Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #177 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me Okay guys, welcome to this Have A Word podcast. No gas today. Ah. Just a boisse.

A boisse. A boisse. Boisse, is that gangster for boys? It's G-man for boys. Me and the boisse are going for drugs. Now you're spelling that B-O-I-S? B- It's G-man for boys. Me and the boys are going for drugs. Now you're spelling that B-O-I-S. B-W-A-Y-S. B-W-A-Y-S.

Oh yeah. You and the boys. B-H-O-Y-S. We're going to Drums, but. The boys. The boys. The boys. The boys.

It's actually a silent Y. What? It's a silent Y. It's a silent Y, yeah. Just boys, boys, boys. It's a K at the end, but you don't even write that down. It's a silent Y, yeah. Just BWAS. BWAS. BWAS. It's a K at the end, but you don't even write that down. It's just in your head.

BWAS. Now, if you were going to go on a BWAS holiday, how would you pronounce holiday? What? Holiday. All right. So the BWAS holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you give them both the same, you know, frosty.

BWAS holiday. You're listening to One Extra. Dan, before we started, you said your next purchase is a... No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You're making lies. No. You're making lies. What were you looking at on your phone before we started recording?

There you go. Adam speaks the truth for a fucking weird minute. Listen, things are going pretty well. And yes, I've not paid off one of the cars or the mortgage, but I feel like there's expendable income. And that leads me to... What were you looking at, Dan? I was on eBay.

What were you looking at? I've already bought two gorillas this week. So I'm at my limit of gorillas before Laura will punch me. There are statues of gorillas, by the way. He hasn't bought members of the band Gorillas. He can't afford that. Or the animal. The band Gorillas.

You know them. The band gorillas. You can't afford that. Or the animal. The band gorillas. Damon O'Byrne's... You know them. Boo! Boo! Boom. Ba-ba-boom. Boom, boom. Copyright.

More of a collective, really, than a band. Anyway. I was looking at something from my childhood and early formative years that I enjoyed. A rock on a stick. Okay, good. The wireless. I still think... A penny for them. early formative years that I enjoyed a rock on a stick a rock okay good and the wireless I still think

a penny farthing I know what it was was it a war ration a horse and calf a war ration it was the declaration of independence

okay been looking and buying it I remember when it came out That was fucking colonials Unexploded World War 1 bomb Your Mars pussy

That was quite the mouthful Unexploded World War 1 bomb With the boys What were you looking at? BMX is right. Be the file. Shut up. Shut up.

What's pedo about fucking beamers. Are you going to have a, what did you just call it? A beamer. I do own a beamer. Right, listen, are you going to just, here's the important question. If you get the BMX, right? Mongoose.

What? Can't say that no more. You have to say disabled goose. Oh, we're in trouble, boys. This is a public episode, boys. Oh, it's too hot for this much laughter. Can I just say, the air con can do so much. It's a wham wham day.

This is lollipops and doing a podcast on the field fucking weather. Yeah. Lollipops. Sunshine lollipops And podcasts everywhere Right On your BMX I'm thinking of getting I'm thinking of getting

A retro BMX Wait What I don't understand What's funny Get a chopper Shut up Shut up

They're wrong chopper They're wrong Sorry They're wrong They're wrong They're wrong retro They're too old for me Oh really

Yeah yeah They're 70s choppers I think I mean I remember them But it was a bit like Yeah I'm not into it Right Are you going to have

Stump eggs on the front The back or both I'd probably just go back I'm a back man Yeah I've never been a fronty guy You know I go both

No one needs a fat lass Popping the attire Do you honestly Can you honestly look me In the eyes And tell me That you don't think There's anything wrong

with a 41 year old man fat 41 overweight 41 year old bald man driving a bmx yeah with stump eggs on it you're telling me you think that is just par for the course that's just grandpa for the course he's on fire he I didn't mean that. He's on annoying fire. Do you know when you hate someone and you have to also accept they're doing good podcasting? Mongoose. More like cump eggs. Is it?

Cooled it down. Genuinely? No. I think it's cool man Wow Nah man Nah Would you do the school runner? Right on the back

Jack on the front I'd be so fucking cool Yeah when the police arrest you instantly Why? Because it looks like you've stolen them children No they're on the pegs of their own free will Jump on a peg Peg them I'm not doing that I nearly did it and then i can't do it about my own kids carl can

because he's an awful person no just your plan let's just sorry let's just clarify here because we we actually just stopped talking about this off pod because we wanted to interrogate you about it on pod just go just everyone listen he oh, Dan, you fucking nonce. Go and look at like Mongoose, classic retro Mongoose with the plastic wheels. Fucking cool, man. Right, okay, cool.

So your plan, I think the sort of cat's out the bag with the next step of- Can we say it? Yeah. We're moving to Liverpool. Hey! We got a new studio, bitches bitches sign a lease for a new studio

uh we're going to move to liverpool city center run corner streets as well but it's a festival and we can't wait to be done with it um all you bitches you think you're behind us the society taps for my previews in runcorn at the start of august and what you're thinking is because that drive to liverpool that's going to be a bigger drive for you now. I'm going to be able to walk to the studio. Very grateful for that. Wonderful. You're going to drive,

and because city centre parking is a bit of a nightmare. I've got an Audi Q7. You're thinking of parking. And it's an absolute behemoth. You're thinking of parking outside of the city and then cycling this in. Pitcher, here. That's your plan. of the city and then cycling this in picture here

that's your plan as cool as fuck it's a little too small for me no BMXs are all that small they're not big they're small no they are different sizes BMXs

no but the biggest one isn't big no I know it's not that's a little too small for me is that what this is an actual old school BMX mid school

yeah yeah I got that mongoose yeah what's wrong with that I think it's not. That's a little too small for me. Is that, what is it? This is an actual large. Old school BMX, mid school. Yeah, yeah, I'll go with that. Mongoose, yeah. What's wrong with that? I think it's pretty cool. Look like I'm in Stranger Things. You look like you've stolen a bike, is what you look like.

Oh, oh no, that's the boy. That's the boy. That one, that one. Oh, mate. Oh! No, it's beautiful. That's the one I was just looking at. Yeah, it's beautiful to look at.

Is it? Yeah. Yeah, well, what's wrong with me on that? Dan, I want to see this so much. Oh. Your arsehole's getting ripped to shreds. Oh, I'm getting a padded seat for that. My gooch would not survive that.

That's borderline sexy. If you promise me you'll cycle this in at least four times a month of the eight we're going to be there, I will let you buy that with the business card. Me too. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. I'll click buy it now. I'm going to use the company card.

It's in America. Is it in America? Where is it? New Tertill. Oh my God. New Tertill, United Kingdom. And the shipping's 33. You can get it.

Am I getting it? Next Monday. Are we getting it? monday are we getting it happy birthday i'm so happy i've got my own you've got no idea how fucking stupid you're gonna look on that you know nah everyone will be like hold on lad you know when i'm riding people will be literally shielding their children from you I'll park up near content And cycle down What's the road from content

Where there's that nice clothes shop Fucking brilliant clothes shop And it's just called the road That the clothes shop's on really Yeah there's no name for that road I don't think it's got a name Yeah What?

To be fair Dan you need to snap that Oh yeah Oh my god The road from content That goes down towards the back of John Lewis. Oh, fuck it. You know where I was on the scooter. Drive around then.

Obviously, we make... I'll be riding on that. They'll be like, fuck on that lad. They'll be walking in from Toxteth going, fuck on that lad. You look sweet on that lad. I'll be like, yeah. You know, like... No, not that one.

That's a... That looks like I've stolen... 16 inches. Like fucking Adam's dick. Right, listen. You know, we make a lot of nonce jokes at your expense and 99 of the time you take them and you're like haha but every now and then you get a bit pissed off with them right you do understand that this really doesn't help you you do get that don't you you do you do understand that the majority of people listening to this is gonna think this is non-see why what that is the

coolest thing it's beat look it is ever beautiful put it in your studio you know i saw that before and i looked at it i was like oh i can't spend 400 i still got i still got a weird sting i do waste money but i've got a weird stinginess about stuff that i'm like i can't detach from like it's i can't spend 4435 unless it's on the business card because that's not real money. La, la, la, la, la. That's beautiful. I don't understand how you look like a nonce.

Is that, is that, are you seeing it on YouTube? If you're listening on audio, honestly, either check the YouTube or wait for a fucking month and watch me riding down from that fucking brewery where content is and you'll be like, oh, lad, you look fucking sweet. I'll be like, cheers, lads. And I'll get a basket on the front and i'll put my laptop in an et and we'll fucking fly to the moon lad you can do a little fucking hollies and then off the

curb cool as fuck oh and it's got padding for my for my bowels i i'm gonna need a new seat though i'll pay for the new seat because that is uh that is essentially a thong in it just show the seat just show the seat oh fuck buy that on the company card but you gotta ride it in for every patreon episode done 100 i mean why does that make why is it bmx make you look like a beedo i think we're from you know i know we're from different eras but i think when was the last time you rode a bmx you're gonna look like a westwood tribute act 1988 you look like you've got speakers in the boot of your car 1988 how old was the you then can't wait 57 57. yeah but you were a child then so you fitted it oh it's beautiful yeah we join you as seven Imagine your dad Riding that down the road

Back then Yeah That's what you've got to picture I don't care about that Okay Who People can think what they want They can think I'm a time

If you seen a man Check out Check out If you seen a man Yeah That's a lot of money innit If you seen a man Driving that down the street

Right Yeah Would you call Etta Closer to you What What do you mean You're out with the kids Right

And there's a fella Driving down the road And I I go Who's that What and is he wearing A 1995 96

Milan third shirt And a funky hat? I'd be like, that guy's got it, mate. A little bit hip-hop influenced. Got what? Something. Syphilis. Oh, syphilis.

Convictions. I like it. Old school illness. Touche, Carl. Should have rap sheet. Touche. It cost me £186 to fill up my car the other day. If I save any money on fuel, it's safe.

I'm a mongoose bmx lads you could i am absolutely i'm absolutely impervious to it it's not it's not landing impervious yes he's absolutely fucking water we can order it right after this episode has gone out and you see the reaction from the general public sweet dan has a podcast on all social media give two folks i'll be riding like i don't i won't be able to ride like that can you not ride with no hands no someone will report it i'll cut this out as a mini clip when we are poli and if people say yes you don't look like a pervert you can buy it right then we need a video of me riding it like what no primary schools what a little jump off the curb like, what?

What? Watching you do tricks on a BMX, honestly. FYI, I have never been able to do tricks on a BMX and I've got a bit of a bad back. But apart from that. You've got a bad back and you're going to ride a small bicycle once a week with no suspension. I did have a spasm in January.

No suspension. What? You're a fucking lunatic. Any BMXers out there want to teach Dan some tricks, we'll put a camera at it. That's a Beijing special waiting to happen. BMX special! Dan breaks all of his limbs.

I want to see Dan do a fucking loop-de-loop in a skate park. If this was a skateboard, this would all be valid. You'd be like, Dan, you look like a danger to yourself. It is the skateboard of bikes! You cannot argue with yourself. It is the skateboard of bikes. You cannot argue with that. It kind of is.

It is? It kind of is. So, so. I'm riding a bike. You're going at me. You've got nothing so far. You've got nothing. Like he's genuinely annoyed.

You're all over the shop. If I got a fold away bike. Yes, of course it's even worse. So what you're saying is, Dan, you look like a pedophile. No, it's not worse. No, it isn't. I said it's not worse. It's nearly there.

If you fold your bike out, you shag kids. People your age are meant to have fold away bikes. Shut up. I'm not that old. You are. I know I am. But mentally, I'm not. So 26.

All of us are mentally young. Sneak. Word 10. I'm going to fucking smash of us are mentally Young Sneak Word 10 I'm gonna fucking Smash a sneak What? Off the curb like what? Dad can we have a go?

No Daddy's BMX They're not If they go anywhere Near the BMX Oi I know you're not watching kids And one of you can't talk

Stay away from Daddy's fucking BMX Baddies Paddy That's what they'll call you Daddy Daddy the baddie Daddy the baddie. Daddy the baddie.

You fucking lizard. I'm fucking daddy the baddie, aren't I? What? Watch this. You're basically the thing I'd look a pedophile on on every bike. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no, no. I've got a lovely electric Carrera.

You look great on that. This is too small for you. Sorry, you've got an electric Carrera? Yeah. Let me just dry my pussy. Fantastic bike. Getting a Carrera would be fine. All right, cut.

Just get a mountain bike, like a normal person. Yeah, I don't care for those. Normal people? Adam, stop trying to talk more to me. We win. I don't. I'll get a mongoose it's a beautiful bike

to look at I absolutely thank you so much £186 to fill up the Audi what is going on this is what's going on

me and a mongoose mine's £100 my Range Rover's £120 yeah yours is more mine's a 10 year old beast it's a fucking tank

is it diesel absolutely ridiculous yeah it's what yeah £199 a litre for diesel Yeah, yours is more. Mine's a 10-year-old beast. It's a fucking tank. Is it diesel? Absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, it's what... Yeah. 199 pence a litre for diesel. Fuck off. Thatcher's brain. What is going on, mate?

Putin, you horrible cunt. It's got to do with him. He's got me on... Putin's got me on a fucking monger. It's got to do with him. The price of fuel at... It is. I blame Putin.

...at base cost is cheaper than it was when fuel was like £1.10. It's all the government levies and taxes on top of it. 45%. It's nothing to do with the price of fuel. Zero to do with the price of fuel. They've just put the levy down, though, haven't they?

Yeah, but it's still higher than it's ever been because they're cunts. One day, Dan, you're going to drive. It is the price of a barrel, though, guys, because of the supplies.

in your Chevy, and it'll be dry. You'll have no petrol. Nice. Do you want to do a pod on your own car? Because it's just been unreal so far. 10% off. Use code Carl.

What is it? Carl10. Carl10. For fuel. Try it. Try it. At the BP garage, like, hello? Don't put a voice on. Do the voice. Hello? Hello? Code is Carl10. For fuel. Try it. Try it. At the BP garage, like, hello?

Don't put a voice on. Hello? God, it's Carl 10. I was like, all right, mate. Why are you talking like that? I like playing the game where you press the button on the thing and then you laugh

for how high the money goes. You're like, it'll be 80. Oh, no, no, no. And then it goes to 7 million pounds and you're like, what the fuck? The guy across the way from me

took a picture. I was telling Adam before, he was slightly camp. He was so, like, exasperated by the price of his fuel. He was like, That's 85, Sam. Never seen anything like it. Oh, my God.

Disgusting. Slightly camp. Was it the Queen of Scotty Road? Look at the price of me fuel. Oh, my God. This is awful. Throw it away. He broke into a song.

Fuel used to be cheap cheaper But it's not anymore It's not fucking Putin It used to cost me 60 quid And now it costs 84 What's the cheapest you remember fuel? 79 pence I've got a memory of 79 pence

I couldn't tell you the price of fuel That's the button To the Jordan the panny day It was It went below a quid Didn't it for a while I nearly invested in oil

Do you remember that Early on in the pod Phil the jerry can That's what he means I invested in his No but like We Like 10 of this pod

Just before we went like Remote When I was still coming to yours, I nearly invested five grand into oil. And if I'd have done that, I'd be a billionaire now. Billion. Yeah. Where are they trying to give it away? You've got the research on that. Yeah, yeah.

Where are they trying to give it away? Use code Carl10 for oil investments. He's got something to sign up with. Who knows what he's doing? Any checkout you try, just try my code. It might work. Zara. We've been doing quite a lot of travel on this week.

Luckily, the price of fuel didn't affect it because we've been getting the train everywhere. Which is dead cheap in England. Can I just say, I need an opposite for the screech because that was smooth effort. That was Radio 5 Live. Went to see some tits

in Brighton. What? What? What? Seriously? Yeah, we went to a strippers. You went to a Jack the Rippers? With Mark Nelson.

With Mark Nelson. With Mark Nelson? Yeah. Who's married? Okay, cool. Yeah. All right, nice. We didn't have sex with any of them.

Speak for yourself. I shagged all of them. One at a time. Using code Carl10. So I did my tour show in Brighton. Venue was a shithole, and I'm fuming with the promoter. But that's by the by the show was good i did more crowd work than i did um then i did show and it was fun but because it was mental

it was fun mental well there was a fella in the audience called buster and that's on his birth certificate so that was 20 minutes yeah yeah all right nice to meet you yeah i was under the stage we were having a conversation While he was on stage Yeah I was under the stage The green room was under the stage When we got there We got told Don't talk in the green room

Because the audience can hear you Because they're literally The other side of that panel Oh and by the way While the show's on Don't use the toilet Because it makes the whole building shake Facts

What's this? What was there We'll tell you after Oh my god Anyway So did my show Mark Nelson was at the comedy club in Brighton What's this? What was there? We'll tell you after. Oh my God. Anyway, so did me show. Mark Nelson was at the comedy club in Brighton. And then we met up for the drink.

And we went to, we were also with the director of the documentary. I'm in the middle of filming, Nick and his missus. And then we went to Pop World, Brighton. Yes. That's the thing. Nera brought it back with us. Bam. Oh, nice.

Did they know you? A lot of the clientele did. Imagine if the DJ was like, fucking hell, this is Adam Rowe and Carl Regler. We all talk. We've got a group WhatsApp. Me and Carl drank blue WKD all night because we went in Rome. Oh, nice.

Made all of the Christians. and get type 2 diabetes when in rome fight at the coliseum i got how many blue wiki can you drink though you can't you you don't notice you're drinking it you just notice there's another full one in your hand yeah maybe eight or nine something like that so did the people from the the show go to Pop World afterwards no it's just all the people in there and then we left and we were like where are we going to go

because we don't really know Brighton very well and then there was a crowd of people who'd gone we're going to Strippers it's open till 5

and we were like well that just seems like the logical next step of the night and it goes back to the theory of that you're living by now what's going to make

the best story for Pod and for the next five years that's why we went because at that point he wanted to go home should you want to come to the theory of that you're living by now. What's going to make the best story for Pod? That's why we went. Because at that point, he wanted to go home. So do you want to come to the strippers? And we just went, yeah. We were ready for bed and food. And he's like, yeah, let's go. I love this theory that you live by, by the way.

And do you know what's really, really funny? Do you know strippers who are, and I understand that it's their job, right? Do you know when they're just like really aggressive in their you better give me some money for a dance but you've got really no interest in having a dance and you just want to have a beer

yeah it's quite funny to wind those women up the power you hold especially as three confident men like if you're little you are confident men we are

yeah strong confident men but they come over like this don't they yeah like they can't sit still fucking ADHD sit down Confident men. We are? Yeah. Strong, confident men. But they come over like this, don't they? Yeah. Like, they can't sit still. Fucking ADHD. Sit down.

Imagine if they just did sit still. I reckon they'd get bollocked by the manager. No one wants fucking strip. I sit still. We're waiting till the end of the story. Three of them come over. When we were at the bar when we first got in, because they'd obviously seen three lads coming in and gone,

right, us three. Three pronged attack. They'll all pay us at once. Three pronged attack? Right? But none of us were really interested. So Carl was just like, nah, I'm not. Like, he's winding them up.

And then they were all really tall because they had like big stripper heels on. And I went, I'm sorry, you're too tall. I feel emasculated. I don't want you to dance on me. What a fucking great, what a great response. And she went, well, we're all going to be taller than you We've all got stripper heels on And I went Do you not employ any little people

And she was like I don't think so And I was like If you can go and find me one I'll pay you And she was like Right Okay

I'm only getting a dance From a little person Off a dwarf There was a girl doing this next to me Also by the way If you're a stripper And you work in a strip joint And someone goes Do you employ any little people a dwarf. There was a girl doing this next to me. Also, by the way, if you're a stripper and you work in a strip joint and someone goes,

do you employ any little people? And you're like, I don't think so. You should know. I think you should know. You should know. I don't even see height.

You know, like some people don't see colour. I don't see height. There was a girl doing this next to me trying to go dance and I went,

you're really out of time to the song. Like, it was really off beat. And she like, got really offended. I was like, yeah, yeah. So then we went and sat down. She's going. She just. Yeah, but it was like, not to the beat.

Fuck you, one in every five is right. We went and sat down, but then two of them just ended up giving up and breaking character. Yeah, I found out the real names. Yeah. I was made up. That's a victory in a strip club, that.

Yeah. Getting the strippers like date of birth and a Christian name. Name. Christian name. What? What's on the strip club? What is your name? What?

What? What? What? So, What? What? So hang on. Where were they from? The three strippers, the three. They're all English.

They're all from Brighton. Like 95% from Brighton. All local, homegrown dancers. Yeah. Oh wow. Okay. I went with dancers there.

From the youth team. It's nice, isn't it? It's great. I like strippers, but I'm racist. I like foreign strippers where are you from

there was a girl who had West Ham to like die there so we just like rogues to there like who's your favourite player and she's like Dech Rice

like she knew all about I went name one player from the Premier League that doesn't currently play for West Ham and she was like I don't like this game I went name a legend

he went name a legend and she went I went Bobby Moore she went Bobby Moore and I was like aww she was dead nice though but she got West Ham

to let die on her on her arm there whew okay got her real name and then another one came over and she'd been there six years and she'd just

give up she just sat next to us and was like do you want a drink aww she bought us a drink got a stripper to buy us a bevy and then

when she went how good you've got to be at strip clubs to get one of the strippers to buy you a bottle of peroni the next level is you dancing in it do you want to dance no love i'll dance for you sit down the liverpool that's genuinely like there's derren brown would be proud of us for that Derren Brown couldn't get a stripper to buy him a bevy Do you know when they go up on the stage and do their dance and they're all in the zone and sexy

We were waiting and she kept going Stop Because we were going yes Lisa That was the girl who bought us the bevy She was like Oh my god stop

Like laughing Going I can't look at them Because we were like Yes Wait When she like Do a spin We'd be going fucking wild

What were the other Clientel doing Because surely You're ruining the perv Aren't you No we were in our own Little booth You couldn't really

Oh right So you just basically You got your own booth To take the piss We just took the piss Out of every stripper Well no we took the piss Out of the ones who refuse to just treat us like people rather than... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you're immediately in a strip club, and I totally understand this, and I'm not, like, slagging off anyone who does this job. You're immediately seen as money, aren't you? They just want to come over you. Don't give a fuck who you are, what you look like. They're just like, listen, what have I got to do to get you to... Yeah, because these girls that are working in the strip club are dealing with slime balls

every night of their fucking career. So it's not a surprise that you walk in and they think, oh, just more slime balls. Yeah, and we go... And there are nice guys that go to strippers. And the girls dancing must have to put up with so much fucking shit being eaten. Yeah, gross.

Like, poured. Like, horrible. So if you turn up and you're like yeah i'm not really doing that i think some of them are going to be like so in the zone of like oh hang on what do i do that's exactly what it is and then some some have got a bit more about them and go oh these aren't those guys so i just fuck around we tell them we're like listen we don't want to dance by the way we just want to be and they'd be like some of them go okay bye and some of them like i'll just have a chat then like i can't be asked right one went why would you all know each other and i went oh well i pointed at mark i meant he's the he's doing the ticket for his dad's funeral seemed like a cool guy thought we'd bring him out right and then she went do you want to dance i mean did you know what i just said she's like yeah yeah yeah she had not

to say i'll do my grief dance. No, she went, when was the funeral? I went, it's next week. Oh, yeah, yeah. She was like, it hasn't even been yet. I was like, no,

we just went for a meeting when I'm staying. I was like, they got on well. And she was like, where are you from? I was like, we're from Liverpool. The funeral's in Liverpool, but he's the best undertaker

in the country, so we came to meet him in Brighton. But in his travel. It was great. It was totally like, we were there just to have fun, not to perv. Soon. But in his travel. It was great. It was totally like we were there just to have fun, not to perv. So when I was in Prague,

we went to strippers and I was the only young person in the strippers. It was all, it wasn't tourists. It was all just greasy old Czech dudes, I suppose. And a girl stripping

was my age, like early twenties. And she did that thing of like, I'm going to focus the dance at him. She wasn't, I didn't pay for the dance. It was like a stage and everyone was watching. And I think because she was like, these are all, they were just all big fucking like slugs.

Like everyone looked like Jabba the Hutt. Yeah. And then she sort of danced to me and I couldn't, I did this, I couldn't handle it. So I sort of like got embarrassed and giggled, and I made her giggle. So it's just two young people going... And I could hear the old dudes going...

Because that's not what they want, is it? They want to be like... You're not making each other laugh. I can't handle it. It's too cringy. Do you have a boner? What? Do you have a boner?

What, when I was giggling? Yeah, I was giggling through my boner. I think it's possible to do that. I've laughed with me cock after. It just wasn't sexy. It was just, I find it, I don't know. Yeah, it is weird, isn't it? I like to just be normal.

Just be normal. I don't know. I find that the other punters were the worst bit about it. If you're in your own booth, that sounds more fun. Have you ever on, you know, back in your hair day, when you were smashing smashing bear puss for fun yeah yeah i remember those have you ever had a woman like on a one-night stand try to be or like you know like they've been normal and then they get in the bedroom and

they've like for some reason they've gone i've got to be sexy do the sexy thing have you ever had that because honestly not a million years ago i had this and i couldn't stop laughing and she was really really angry like really angry because i look i love a bit of dirty talk and especially once you're in the middle of it but this girl went to the bathroom this was a few months ago she's in the middle of it. But this girl went to the bathroom. This was a few months ago. She went to the bathroom, and she come back completely naked and was just like... Meow. Yeah.

She's on all fours, like, bath for 10 big owners. She got on all fours on the bed. She, like, gomers. Like, that is literally, that is the perfect image of what this woman did. I was sort of sat up,

back against the headboard, still fully cloth clothed and she come out the bathroom like the woman coming out the telly in the ring and was creeping towards me honestly and she's doing like hey are you ready for this and i was like we were literally having a conversation a couple of minutes ago what the is going on like stay there i'm, it's just so- She went in the toilet, had a piss, and went, right, sexy time. Probably had the poo as well. Had a, like, did all the ablutions. Yeah.

I hate it having sex. Ugh, fuck it, sexy time. Right. I hope you're ready for this. Excuse me, love, you got another toilet roll. Oh, don't worry, I found it. In two seconds, I'll come back ah sexy she was my

fucking bat FM you go miss she had a three flush shite and then tried to fuck me oh no fucking hell

but eating a lot of fibre I yeah it's not it's not easy is it I that reminded me

oh god I'm not going to enjoy this story yeah yeah Lisa Lisa Lisa I

want a a a party back in back in the day this is one of them ones that's going to make the underneath of my eyelids

water, like sweat a little bit we were getting a bit wrecked at a party but someone had some speed which is just, very rarely did speed pop up in my clubbing days but it was basically when, the drug we not stuck the DVD on.

Look at this. Fucking love Keanu. I know we're all doing pills and stuff, but does anyone want to watch speed? Yeah, man. Get it on. So she can't take her foot off that pedal once lads no way i've had enough sandra bullock do not put speed no no i've just watched oh my god i've just how is sandra bullock

never become the nickname for speed the drug i've just had two miscongenialities. I can't do a fucking full speed. I'll just have half. I'll have half a speed. Half a Sandra. Is that where key of drugs comes from? If you're having a key? Is that a Keanu?

Is the full name of Keanu? Yeah, it is. When you're doing a little bump of drugs off a key is that a key i knew it's the full name yeah yeah it is yeah yeah when you're doing a little bump of drugs off a key it's named after kiana reeves because of the bus key the key to turn the engine of the bus on you think you think it's around the houses but drug people they're on drugs so they do weird links oh and um anyway are're watching speed she was like oh we're ending up in her bedroom upstairs the party's still going on downstairs we are off our tits and she's very attractive lady and it's had a phenomenal figure like not that i'm that bothered about that but she was like had a great figure and it started like it was one of them ones where i hadn't gone let's go for it

and we're just getting we were getting naked pretty quick we both had a joke there we like let the story run right and a figure of sandra bullock do you want to act out speed here's kiamo and i've got sandra that's phenomenal that's a a phenomenal Sandra Bullock figure. Carry on. So we got naked. And my penis has never been smaller. Like, because of the speed. Yeah.

It was just... It was just... Because you're an absolute fucking stalwart of road safety. I can't get hard while she's speeding, love. I just can't. She's going to hit someone. You trying to listen to the door of the safe? I'm going to need this narrative to be closed off. I need closure on the story.

Pedal, I feel. Mild pedal. My dick was at 0.4 inches, and it was, everything was, it was a horny situation. And so I was like, I'm just going to have to go down on her and hope my dick's like, yeah, I know we've had speed, but it'll be fine, I'll get in the game. And I don't know if it was the drugs or, you know,

the Sandra Bullock references that did it, but put in a really good shift. Yeah. And, and... In the alphabet. I did the... Feed the pigeon. You know, the...

Goodbye. Fingering. Yeah. Did the fingering. I did the Tom Holland. What? Yeah. Did the Spider-Man.

What? That's a fucking nightmare, the Tom Holland. The Spider-Man. What? Yeah, you put your fingers through and that. No, but Tom Holland, like Spider-Man's these two, inn two in it you never want to use these two if you're fingering

a woman star trek no no no no no it doesn't fucking we've said the ralentino that's the classic the nanu nanu oh well the keys to the city yeah no no i did the you know the the guiding lines. Oh, I see what you mean I didn't fingers away Ever done the blood the European plug Imagine getting an adapter Oh my god Oh god We'll come back to Arsgall And I'll fucking European plug ya

Let's go And anyway I stopped So I'd obviously made it come and she was like like it was all there it was an open call and i looked down and all i saw was pubes and a little penis like i can't do nothing sir i can't do nothing i don't know if the bus has crashed or not she was like what are you doing i was like i just want to i said out loud to a girl i don't want to have sex i just want to worship this amazing body

she went she was like she's literally like because i didn't know what else to do she was naked and her legs closed she went No no no Don't do that I got on your BMX And got off And then I got I got on me mongoose How have we got Two and a half years Into this podcast

And you've never told That story before It's one of them You just press You know The Bill Burr bit About If you want if you remember things

in the shower and you go to get them out your head that when i think about it makes me want to go yeah i just want to i said it douchey as well like i just want to keep worshiping this worshiping this amazing body she's like no you just can't get it hard on your little fucking knobby. Why didn't you say I've got speed, Willie? I think I did after that. She was like, well, what are you going to do? I was like, the bus isn't going anywhere.

I've got Sandra Bullcock. It's not going to happen. I love Sandra Bullock. She's a really good actor. She is. She is. I like the way you used the new form of that word.

28 days. Underrated Sandra Bullock film. Don't leave the page. We've got to buy that BMX. Yeah, I'm not fucking... I'm just going to worship its amazing frame. Oh, God. It's made me cringe in my heart.

What's your favourite Sandra Bullock film? Ocean's 8? Ocean's 8 is a bit of a shit film it's a shit film innit is that when they remade Ocean's 11 but with women yeah

I think I think the blind side might be one of my favourites it's fucking great have you ever seen Sneaky Miscongeniality is pretty good as well have you ever seen

the John Mulaney joke about Ocean's 11 before they made Ocean's 8 go on he said the joke is something like uh oceans 11 men and women are very different like you can never make like a heist movie

about women it's like i think women are amazing but you could never do an oceans 11 with women because two of them will keep breaking off to talk about the other nine it's just such a nice gently sexist joke. What's Shane Gillis' one about it? He was like, that film should have been 10 minutes long. It should have just been them just sucking off the security guards and they're like, oh, I fucking love you. You crazy bitches. I love you.

Just speaking of American comics, in case anyone hasn't seen the tweets we've put out or whatever about it, we were supposed to have Dan Soder in today. He's in London for a week doing, he was supposed to be in London for a week doing a week-long run of shows.

He's ended up doing just three of the seven shows he was meant to do because his voice is just fucked, just properly broken and it was just not sensible for him to come and do this. Next year when he comes back

and does another run in London, he's also going to come and do some shows in Liverpool and Manchester. That is when we'll get him on. And look, no one's more pissed off about it than A or some B.

So there. Also, next time he's on, we get to show him the fucking new studio. Yeah. And also, like this is the only,

normally, like whenever I do one of those Ask Me Anythings on Instagram, people go, tell us some of the big guests you've got coming up. And we always say no.

We never reveal in advance who's coming on in case stuff like this happens this happens a lot more often than you'd all know a lot of the people you've seen on this podcast as guests have been quite last minute replacements for some of the people we've got booked in we never reveal it we revealed Dan because last week he asked us to retweet his um the link for his show he was like yeah I'm coming on can you just share that because he wants a little bit of a bump with his London sales so we did it because we just thought there'd be no problem and unfortunately

there has been it doesn't happen it won't happen again where you think someone's coming on they're not because we tend not to reveal them in advance but we will get Dan Soder on it was a fucking phenomenal comic and would have been great in here probably early next year so have a break use code break 10 wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive we've got

some new merch that you can see over my boobie is this real this is an add this oh for the match for the merch that you're wearing get one of these ones but when you buy it get one that fits you they come in different sizes but I would definitely maybe order one size up unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy girl

starter bra have a word pod dot com is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing

at the minute we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it.

I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWawarepod.com

if you can't read. Get on me. Part two of three. Yeah, man. We haven't really done it. Three parts for two months and three weeks. Happens every once in a while,

doesn't it? Taking it back to the old school. Roughly every two months and three weeks. It was a couple of weeks ago where randomly it was just you and me in the studio yeah for the

first time for two years like it's weird we had a proper business meeting and plan the future it was kissed tell you what's later really nice i absolutely don't believe that because you were involved well that was you on instagram and you pressed the button and stopped for a bit no i i do contribute to plans like actually the the planning. It's the execution I says I was of. Yeah. That's why they call me the executioner. That's why they call me Adam. The planner.

That is why they call you Adam because you're not good at executing plans. Fact. I'm good at executing pussy. Well, yeah. That's what you want to say. See what best means for you just ever send me See Adam on

See Adam on Snapchat For details Wow Wow Wow Allegedly Have you You've never probably

Had a Snapchat have you I got a telegram Telegram of some sense Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Have you ever sent A dirty postcard Jane Austen describing A dildo going in a pum-pum.

Betwixt her legs. Betwixt. I just tried to speak in Jane Austen sort of language. Do you reckon people used to sext back when it was just like handwritten letters? Yeah, in prison. And people used to like describe. Prison? Do you reckon?

Do people send dirty letters into prison? Yeah. Yeah. Do they? But, I mean, they do that because they can't do anything else. I mean, we're talking back in the sort of, like, 300 years ago. Yeah. No, but even the prison one is the same sort of thing,

like, if they're still doing it. Because, like, the whole point of sexton is the immediacy of it. It's like, oh, I'm in the bath. I'm fingering myself. I'm fingering myself. You're fingering yourself. Thinking about you. Stuffing that cock where I want it. Oh my God, he knows how to talk.

You know women, don't you? You know women. I've put a candle on and now I'm slapping my pussy with a loofah. Fucking naughty girl. Stuffing. I think it doesn't fit. you know what i mean it's the immediacy that makes it sexy and i turn on you're going with it like you can't no hang on hang on hang on there can be a lot of build-up through not having immediacy like if you yeah i get what

you mean you can't write to someone in prison i'm in the bath and i'm thinking by the time you get this i will have wrinkly lips. All you do is just say, open it at six o'clock and I will be in love. Plenty of time. You write that in the letter. Open this at six o'clock. That's what you-

Oh, did you open it? Oh, fuck. You write that on the- On the envelope. At the bottom, PS, don't read until six o'clock. Ow, fuck. You can put it on the envelope. Yeah, you put it on the envelope. Like birthday cards. Don't open this six o'clock. Ow, fuck. You can put it on the envelope. Yeah, you put it on top.

Like birthday cards. Yeah. Don't open this until the 15th. Yeah, yeah. At six o'clock. That's what Jane Austen used to do. Do you have to write that on birthday cards? Jane Austen used to do that.

Surely the person who gets the birthday card knows when the birthday is. Oh, right. Your birthday is the 15th as well. I just did the birthday. I'm sure people do. Don't write. Yeah, no, actually they do.

Send a birthday card. Don't open this till the 15th of march back to the future too yeah it's what jane austen did though she was in the bath frigging herself off she wrote to mr darcy i don't think this is all a mess yeah i think there is something about if you haven't got another option back in the day i'm sure that was quite titillated getting a fucking raunchy lesson there what titillating, getting a fucking raunchy letter. There's a palm there. What? Palm? Titillating.

I was on a palm. If anyone's listening, can you write us a raunchy letter, please? Ooh. Yeah. It has to be a woman, though.

I don't want fucking Jeff writing in. Right, just put a woman's name on it, then. Write us a raunchy letter. We'll read them out.

Don't open this until you're fucking wanking. I'm dead hard, me. And you in the bath, Adam. Did you enjoy those crisps from Jeff? P.S. Watch your Snapchat

because me fucking pen's running out. Use a pen, Barb. People used to send nudes back when it was just like paintings. What's a painting? Show us a pen, Barb. People used to send nudes back when it was just like, um, Peyton's. What's a Peyton? Show us a Peyton again. People would be like,

Peyton me. And then they'd fucking roll that up, put it in a post, send it to John. Send that to John. I want to get many. Write us in some raunchy letters Let me read them out on Patreon Only on Patreon though

Oh my god Sexy Corner Can we call it Sexy Corner? Yeah Sexy Corner I'm going to write the jingle now You ready? Ooh it's Sexy Corner Can you clear your throat a little bit

And then do that again Because that made me want to give you an antihistamine Ooh welcome to sexy corner. Sexy, sexy corner. Sexy, sexy corner. Sexy,

sexy corner. Sexy corner. Oh, it's sexy and it's a corner. Wicked. Oh, don't put that one in.

I'm not listening to that every week Hey It has to be handwritten by the way No emails I want some I want to smell it as well Also Send us in Any sexy correspondence

You've received genuinely If you've ever Received genuinely Unsolicited DMs Yes Look If men are willing to unsolicitedly send their cocks to women,

we're going to put them on the internet. Send them to us. We'll put them in. We'll... Ladies. Ladies. Ladies! Your time has come, ladies.

You're finally equal. We are going to treat you with respect. Before, we were like, what's the point? Now, we want your unsolicited DMs. We also want handwritten letters from you being sexy. And I want pod references in it as well. Yeah.

Right. What Carl wants is you to write special letters to him. No, all of us. But also, I really want the unsolicited DMs. If you have, if you can send us in, the worst ones we'll read out. listen to the dms if you have if you can send us in the worst ones we'll read out oh it'll be it'll be so instructive for lads as well listening go fucking hell i've done that i just want to worship your beautiful snapchat so yeah you can have a word pod at gmail.com you can send in the screenshots of things you've been sent that you didn't want or maybe long dirty messages you've got from people that you didn't want but if you want to hand write us a letter then we will read them out on patreon as

well we've just come up with a new feature sexy corner oh it's sexy corner hey like a fruit corner with sex in um i used to read i used to read no i i used to read the I used to read the When I found my dad's wank mags I used to You know because my dad had like Two or three wank mags And he'd hidden them in the Like

Bumhole Same Bumhole Do you Could you let me talk At all this podcast You fucking rat I've never known you

To ever be so like Let me just stop you dead dan bummo under the same fucking knobhead he's funny but he's a knobhead um and i read out all of i knew every page i knew every picture and including the like correspondence you know when it was like oh i've written into the porn mag and it was meant to be a woman but it was the it was not what do you call him a journalist you wouldn't call him a journalist would you go straighter yeah it's the game and then he fucking put his massive member in i knew all of the stories oh my god i want to do that as well for the sexy dms ah i want to find some readers wives level content i have told you what the time my dad found my porn slash haven't i you he found yours yeah right did he did you ever find his no right i don't know whether

he had any right smashing too much posts he didn't need it yeah i've always think that about your dad around slaying too much um i used to buy nuts and zoo every week Like both of them And then under I had a chest of drawers next to my bed A little bedside table And I'd pull the bottom drawer out And they were all under that And then one day I came home from school

And they'd Proper deep cleaned my room Once a year your parents go Let's clean the room and move it round a bit and put his bed in the corner it'll be a bit different we're gonna make me decorate it or whatever it's intrusive uh yeah and i was like right okay cool and then i could just see my mum like just like didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason um and then i was in the back garden playing table tennis with our Jack. And my dad came up and was like, I'll have a game with you.

Jack, go and help your mum with things. And he was just playing table tennis with me. And he's like, so who's been buying you these magazines? I was like, I was buying them myself. Can I have a chat with you at the table tennis table, please? Like a fucking feature on Love Island. Come over. Pull you for a chat by the fire he's like so who's been buying them for us i've been buying them myself

fuck off backhand right like yeah i'm buying them myself he's like i thought you had to be ac into my stuff like that i was like no not those ones what you're thinking of that is hustler and busty bitches they're different sorry did you cannot did you say busty bitches or did you add that now for effect hustler and busty i'm not saying this is and he was like busty bitch great shot lovely backhand yeah spin um um yeah so he was he was just like did he ever do the birds and the bees with you, your dad? No, I remember my mum tried to Which is awful innit

So like when my mum and dad first broke up There was like Maybe like three months Where we didn't see a lot of my dad And it was just because Their relationship had become horrifically toxic. Yeah, yeah. And my dad was working loads because he now had to pay,

sort of keep my mum slightly afloat because she was disabled, essentially, and also had to pay for his own new flat. So he's working all the time. We'd see him sort of every now and then. But it wasn't like a nightly thing. He wasn't coming around every night. And eventually that is what happened. He started coming around every night.

They tried to get back together several times and never worked out. But I remember I was getting ready for the bath, to get a bath. I mean, mum was sort of like, you know, it's normally a man's job to do this, but obviously your dad hasn't been here for a while. And it's probably around the right time for me to tell you that, you know,

you're probably going to want to start doing things soon. With busty bitches. Just know that it is normal and whatever. And I've told you that, like, for a while when I first started wanking, I was really embarrassed by it. I've told you about that, haven't I? What? Because I'd already heard the insult wanker at school. Like, calling people a wanker was, i was really embarrassed by it i told you about that haven't i because i'd already heard the insult wanker at school like calling people a wanker was like a

thing and i remember i finished and i come one time and i was like i'm a wanker spot on to be fair it's like i am actually a wanker which is a derisory thing to be oh my god still hard as well i think my dad tried to give me the birds and the bees and then when i think i remember hearing my mum sort of be like you need to talk to him because someone had given me a you know affleck's palace in manchester you won't know but if you're from used to go on a saturday to manchester go around affleck's palace it's near the frog and bucket and yeah there's like band pet posters all sorts of like goth shops and everything. It was really cool.

Loads of stalls within a big sort of like multi, like it was all like independent little thing, but there was a condom shop. So we all went to the condom shop. There was a condom shop. It had like a pick and mix wall of flavoured condoms. Oh my God. So you basically- I've never understood flavoured condoms, Oh my God. So you basically-

I've never understood flavoured condoms, you know? You're not going to suck with a fucking- You've never sucked a dick, though, have you? What? You've never sucked a dick. No, but no one's ever sucked a dick with a condom on either. We've taken off. Doesn't the flavour stay?

Yeah, but I don't think they're actual- I think it's more of a novelty thing, innit? I don't think any lady's like, you are not fucking me if you've not got blueberry on your knob. Like, it's just- I think it was for 14 year olds to be like i'm gonna pick and mix condoms what flavors did you get and i went home with my like three for one pound or whatever and i tried one on on oh my god what is happening today with embarrassing stories i tried a condom on for the first time on my mum and dad's bed.

And then went, no one was in. I was like, and then I got bored, took it off, blew it up, popped it. Like a fucking moron, just left the room. And I left a blue... You took a condom off your cock and then put it in your mouth. I didn't put it

in my mouth, I blew it up. No? You might still have sucked yourself after yeah but you would if you could you said maybe i retract that now that i've actually i don't know if it was i don't know if it was the same condom because they were like a pick and mix thing i had several different condoms blew it up popped it and just wandered off like a fucking moron so mum came home to a pot, like a shredded condom in her bedroom. She was like, I smell a strawberries in here.

And, cherry bomb. And then I think that was the impetus to, to sort of tell my dad to give me the birds and the bees And I remember him sort of sitting down And trying to start And then just going I'm not doing this

And then just gave up How old were you? Just cringed 23 Have you thought about how you're going to do it Now that you've got a son? No Because he's one

So you know And he's But kids are getting It's getting younger and younger isn't it? Yeah I don't think that young yet There's so much internet out there now He hasn't learned how to walk yet So I don. And he's... But kids, it's getting younger and younger, isn't it? Yeah, I don't think that young yet. There's so much internet out there now. He hasn't learned how to walk yet, so I don't think he's shagging. I'm going to throw it out there.

I don't think... Like, he's a confident young lad. How old is he going to be when you're going to do it? Oh, my God. I don't know. Fucking cringe. How would you do it? Trying on me?

Also, he's going to have the fucking internet. He's going to be like, Dad, I know everything. It can't be that hard with a boy. A man to man. It can't be that hard. Fucking cringe How would you do it Trying on me Also he's gonna have The fucking internet He's gonna be like Dad I know everything It can't be that hard With a boy A man to man It can't be that hard

Did your brother Help out like that Because you've got An older brother I think having an older brother Must be so good In that situation He helped me shave

And led the shaving ship He never told me about The shagging Carl used to shave His brother's arsehole For breakfast He helped me I don't fuck with your brother I'm telling you right now He's big I don't fuck with your brother

I'm telling you right now he's big I don't fuck like he likes me and I like it like that but he's not a man I want to take the piss out of got a lovely shaven asshole

because Carl does it still once a week goes on like a window cleaner yeah yeah ten pound lad this is normal innit yeah yeah

it is normal yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's absolutely normal no one taught me the birds and the bees. I thought an older brother would be pretty good for that.

Yeah, he was like, shaving and all the men stuff, but he didn't say, this is how you shag pussy. No. You want to practice on me? Shaving your ass?

You role play? Shaving your ass? No, you can teach me the birds and the bees. How old are you, Adam? 11 you are.

So you've just reached high school. Nah, two, you've gone too young. You've gone, I think, 11. 13? Teenager? 13? Maybe. Are you ready?

Year nine. That's 13, yeah. Year nine. Have we just moved to real? Now you're going to want to kill someone, yeah? He's in his bedroom with his yo-yo. My yo-yo? Oh, I thought you were doing the Tom Holland Spider-Man again

Fucking hell Jack Is that your finger technique Impressive Do some better moves Son Son Sit down Yeah go on.

Wheelie. How old is he? 13. And he's playing with cars. Head injury. Oh, right. Cool. Don't do the face.

Head injury. In a car crash Zet And he's playing with cars He's making buses backflip, Dan Is he definitely mine? Look, Dad, this is IQ on your BMX Look at the disdain for this child

I've really gone off my son What was Laura doing fucking 13 years ago? What do you want? We need to talk to you about the... I literally can't pretend he's my son. He's making me feel fucking ill. You're going to have to. He's adopted.

You're going to have to. Listen, son. How are we? Yeah, good. I'm really glad we moved to Liverpool. Now I've got a scouse son. Lad. Yeah?

You're going to be doing some fucking pure banging, lad. Do you want me to do a Chester accent? Go for it. All right, mate. Right. Cool. You're just doing Danny Mac. Yeah.

Have your balls dropped yet? What? Have your balls dropped? This is my voice. Early developer. Yeah. You obviously... Do you need to talk about shaving? Because you've got a full beard, so... what your balls dropped this is my voice early developer yeah you obviously do you need to talk about shaving

because you've got a full beard so you've got a stretch of imagination imagine I haven't right cool cool son I need to

I need to talk to you go ahead your mum's found a a blown up condom in the in the master bedroom yeah I was doing dogs in there

yeah you were doing alright so you want to be I'm starting a business dad balloon animals with johnnies alright yeah

cool such a young paedophile I need to talk to you about the birds and the bees do you know do you know what that is son the birds and the bees yeah

birds do my head they wake me up every morning well you live in Chester it's a nice place yeah yeah yeah you like honey what Birds and the bees. Yeah. Birds do my head in, wake me up every morning. Wow, you live in Chester, it's a nice place. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like honey? What?

Nothing. Speaking me out of something. I like honey Cheerios. Right. Sick, aren't they? Have you noticed the girls at school? Or the boys at school? Who knows? No, I'm into girls, me.

Oh, right. Cool. Gemma in the year above. Gemma. Fucking Gemma. I absolutely keen came out on here dad have you seen it gemma there's a kid that's been born in 2020 2021 called gemma yeah she's year 10 yeah she's got boobs ain't she son let me just take a sip of my drink you're feeling urges towards them i want a fucker right i think we should do this off pod, you know.

The thing is, you're going to do birds and bees with your son. Don't do it on a podcast. Don't use these mics and headphones. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I ask her out, Dad? If she says yeah, you know. Just get. What's the deal?

Send her some vids on Snapchat. She'll fucking love it. What's that? Or a fucking painting. Just do a painting. She'll be a it. What's that? Or a fucking painting. Just do a painting. She'll be a traditionalist. You know I like painting. I need to tell you as well,

you're adopted. Right. Yeah. You are adopted. Your real dad's called Adam Rowe. We had to adopt him after he died from drinking 28 Guinness and and baby guinness every week i can't do i can't i literally can't look at you you haven't told him the birds and the bees i can't

i can't i can't tell me what i'm meant to do i'm gonna ask it out this week can i tell you how i'm thinking of doing it go on so i'm thinking of going up to it in school right as she's coming out of one of her lessons like jemma come here when she comes over i'm gonna be like look i know i'm the year below but i'm dead mature for my age and you know my dad's a billionaire yeah after he sold his podcast company right to bill gates's son right yeah john john gates john gates yeah so i'm just wondering whether you want to come out for me with me for like a bit of food come back to mine do some fucking spot on son it's really spot on i think she'll go for that i think she would she would

yeah some other options. Women love that. Food and fucking. Especially when they're 14. It's what they're after. Yeah. But it's okay, because I'm 13. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got another one. Could shout at her from a distance, hey Gemma, get your arsehole out. Yeah. That's how I met your mum. Did it work? She was called Laura,

but I still shouted Gemma. Bit of a maverick I think I knew this girl's nan and the other one is to just go up to her and say you're really beautiful I really love you

will you be my girlfriend yeah I just drink some blue WKD and just try and finger something you'll be alright yeah yeah yeah you'll be alright

yeah yeah yeah sounds okay cool and what like when we're getting down to it no when we're getting down to it what i feel so bad for your son in the future do i start with one or two or that's whatever she's into really in it yeah you know so do i ask yeah yeah yeah yeah how many fingers do you want to go full full kit kat or multi-pack i think that's like Gail? Do you want to go full Kit Kat or multi-pack? I think that's it. You don't want to go too direct.

It doesn't want to be too on the nose. Nice. Kit Kats are still a thing. They will be, won't they? They're sticking around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good luck with Gemma. And you're going to need to move out.

So pack your bag because, you know, you're moving to Liverpool. Why? It's just near the Albert Dock You knock on You'll find your dad It'll be good What if I accidentally come in her? Oh god

What if she gets pregnant? Will you help me raise it? Send us your sexy DMs Please send us your sexy DMs So I can end this What are you going to do When Jack has all these questions Pray

Pray Find Jesus Does the mum do the daughter Is that how it goes Is it Sounded bad didn't it I don't know I suppose so I think it's down to your dad

to do the the boy birds and the bees if it's that graphic i will it sounds like he knew what he was doing that's pretty experienced he knew the birds and the bees yeah yeah no lads do i make a reservation at the restaurant let's say your car or mom's. Cruise off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet. Put it on credit card. I've got one. 13. She's a four.

She's an older lady. Are you going to be an open dad with sex? Because there's like different ones, isn't there? I know families who are like, they talk, yeah, have you had sex? Tell me and I'll talk all about it. And there's other ones like,

don't fucking talk about it. I don't know. It's like what we said about the podcast, isn't it? The kids will be old enough and all this will be on the internet. So what are you going to do? You're going to pretend

you're a, like a really... I'm saying, what are you pretending for though? I don't get it. Yeah. Obviously you need to protect them but like to be like,

yeah, this is what I did and just look after yourself. This is what I did. Do you want to hear? No, don't show. Good technique. This is what I did. I, don't show. Good technique.

This is what I did. I don't think you need to encourage. I think you've just got to be sound, haven't you? You can't be like, lad, are you doing any fucking right? You need the keys to the city and then the fucking Ronaldinho. Yeah, I'm dead sound with sex.

Come on. There's some fucking hustler. Or big tits. What is it? Big titty bitches. Busty t hustler. Or big tits. What is it? Big titty bitches. Busty bitches. Busty bitches. Busty bitches.

No, I think there's a way of being sound without literally driving them round to a stripper's. Yeah. See if you can find the real name. That's the midpoint, isn't it? There's no point pretending that kids are saints and they're not going to do anything because then they're just going to lie to you and go and do it anyway and then that's my big fear about drugs is that yeah that's a tricky one i think it's the same i think they're going to

do it anyway and if you pretend that they're not doing it and you make really really strict rules all they're going to do is do it somewhere and then lie to you about it and then potentially be in a dangerous situation. So is the line, like, you wouldn't buy it for them? Like, if they come to you at, like, 16 and they're like, I'm not racking it up. Have you got the number for a good crack dealer? Yeah. Again, I'm talking, you've got to find that balance, haven't you?

I'm not, yeah. Would you buy it for them from a dealer that you know? I found a doobie. That's it. Rehab. Like, there's... a doobie. That's it. Rehab. Not in my house. Away, son. Away to Gemma's, you whore.

Like, yeah, that's a bit too strict. But then going, listen, that's a bad price for crack. I'm a sound dad, right? So you're overpaying there. Where are you getting your lemo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked up there, son. Also, Gemma, she's a sound girl.

She's going to want good limo. Blow it up her arsehole. I'm sound with sex and drugs. That's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want me to drop you off on my fucking BMX? Get on the back. Come on.

No, but like, is it better as a father, if you know your kids are going to do drugs like is it better as a father if you know your kids are going to do drugs and you accept that as a fact is it better if you've got a dealer that you know

and trust and have for years to buy them their drugs for them no and they're not getting stuff that's being cut with like fentanyl and stuff which might kill them cool

yeah it's more likely that they're going to get better drugs than me though isn't it that's the problem is it encouraging it or just guiding it just because I'm older it's not like you they're going to get better drugs than me though isn't it that's the problem encouraging it or just guiding it

just because I'm older it's not like you're getting the good drugs come on you're getting like Waitrose drugs these knobheads that are having Aldi drugs

I think you've got to be sound and then also not just let them yeah there is a fine line there isn't it to not encourage it I think I might tell my kids

if I ever have them, that I'm a drug dealer. And have them believe that the whole life. Because I don't want them telling their friends that I'm a comedian because they'll find all this anyway. It's better if they just, like, if their friends think I'm a drug dealer.

Who's playing the Philharmonic Hall? He's a really smart drug dealer. You know, he doesn't drive around individually. He just gets 1,700 people to come and buy drugs at the same time. Yeah. And he walks on,

he goes, thanks for coming and drugs great. Yes! Let's talk about drugs for an hour and then on the way out, I'll sign your drugs.

Who's this to? Gemma. In the back. Fuck him. Have a good one. No, but like, I think it'd be better if their friends

live in fear of me. Carl, 10% off your drug do you know what I mean and then when they get to like 15 or whatever and they're like dad

I thought about starting to do some drugs I'd be like I'll give you them then I just don't I give them like placebos so I'm like yeah

here's a big bag of coke go and have that with all your mates and they all think they're getting fucking coked off the tits but in reality they're just snorting

shit with dip dabs you got some stupid fucking kids, you. Some very sexually confident, stupid fucking kids. Yeah, yeah, I was pounding pussy at 12, I'm Adam Rose's son. Fucking get on that Sherbert Dib Dab, lad.

Fucking hell. But he gave it a bit of the Sherbert Dib Dab pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's too lazy to put it in a little baggie. Hide in plain sight. I didn't mean to be so lazy, be be like I've just got your fucking opal fruits your starburst there you go

I have a Snickers is this cocaine? same thing it's not even shopping dad yeah the thing is they're going to do it anyway they're going to do it anyway It's not even shopping, Dad. Yeah. It's not worth it. The thing is, they're going to do it anyway. They're going to do it anyway.

I remember some of those nights out where I was like, where the fuck had I got to? I was in the wilds at weird fucking horrible after parties, and we'd run out of money. I think I want to be the dad that Etta can go, like, 8 o'clock on a Sunday morning and be like, Dad, we're off our fucking dad that Etta can go like eight o'clock on a Sunday morning and be like,

dad, we're off our fucking box here. Can you just come and get us? You've got to be. We've ended up at some after party. I'm not going to be like, I don't want to hear to be like, I can't ring my dad

because then he'd know we've done pills or something. You've got to be like, you don't do this, but then you've got to be able to talk to him if they have. But then it's about the age thing, isn't it?

Once they're 16, 17, 18, they're a young properly are a young person so they're gonna do that stuff anyway it's what what do you do if they're doing it you don't want your 12 year old doing the pills in the woods yeah yeah dad come and pick me up i'm at a smack den yeah yeah that's right well i don't know it's a these are questions she's which one the one on rodney street or the? Can I just say as well?

Can I just say? We're dealing with this issue that is so far in the future and it's so... She's just on her first sports day. She's just on her first sports day and it was so innocent. And you're like, right. If she's doing crack at 17,

what are you going to do? Can we get her a good deal? What if she was doing performance on Hanson Drugs already? What would you have found out on PDEs? I watched her run that race. I wish I could have given her some Nandrolone. Oh, I'd have done that for her. She started, like, she started.

She did a false start. And they're not arsed. They're not like, right, once. They're not disqualifying her. She's year four. She's reception. She's not even year one. They do a little, no, not a gun.

I don't know what they do. No, they use a shotgun. They just, yeah, yeah. Go! They shot her, she got shot. You been to Sogo? Pretty mean. Everyone's just got guns.

Yee-haw! Go on, do the eye jump. She sort of did a false start, and then they were like, oh, it's fine. She was really trying she was like on the on the start line like that she was looking across she spent the whole race looking to see where everyone else was doing and then went from first to fourth out of four she just she crossed the line i fucking love this kid she was giving it everything and i could see in her

face like oh i'm losing and then as she crossed the line she like the look of like oh fuck and then instantly was like ah it's all right she's so i love that kid and also afterwards as a dad i had a great moment where she was like oh i didn't win dad and i i wanted to go you've been banged by genetics because i can't run for shit and your mum's never like been that athletic or anything but i was like you're gonna do stuff like performing arts and being on stage and acting where you will be the best yeah you're gonna be so much better than everyone else people are good at different things so you had a good time you ran and that's fine but you are gonna be the best at so many other things and she was like the next day they did a song for the reception class that'll come in next year and because she's

good at it and confident and can do the actions, she was at the front where all the other kids were at the back like, oh, we have got a friend in me. And she's like doing all the actions. So I had to give her this pep talk like, you can't run.

That's not your fault. But now I'm looking back going, fuck, I should have given her some performance. It's enhancing. See, if that was my kid, I'd be like, listen. Bit of Nandrolone. Listen, what did we learn? Steroids.

Train harder. Be better. Don't gas Don't be fucking Pace yourself You'd have won that They were shite Should have beat them But what you did

Is you got over excited You went into the lead Once you're in the lead You've got to stay there Pathetic Back in the gym Yeah Back in the cage

Little gym in the cage Is it Jack's sports day next week What Jack's sports day next week At nursery Yeah In the baby room What Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Do you have a sports day Little gym in the cage. Is it Jack's Sports Day next week? What? Jack's Sports Day next week. At nursery. Yeah. In the baby room.

What? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't they have a sports day? First to shit themselves. It's really competitive. It's massively competitive. And the parents won it this year. I don't know.

Hold on. Oh, my God. Watching some kids at the sports day was so brutal. Like kids not with like learning difficulties, just like, what am I doing? Was there any sick ones? I think that's good. Did you watch any kid there?

I mean like there's the next bolt. Oh, no, no. Also they were doing stuff like the egg and spoon race. There was one kid on the egg and spoon race who was great, who was just doing really well, and then dropped it, and then just picked the whole thing up and just went, fuck it, I'm running. Genius.

Totally cheated. And because they're not allowed to be like, that's cheating, you're disqualified. Everyone did well. The kid was like, oh, go fuck yourself. It's smart. Smart. One kid just booted it.

Oh, I've dropped it. I'll fucking kick it. I've won. I think the actual Olympics would benefit from school sports day events still being in the Olympics. Like the egg and spoon in the Olympics. Usain Bolt trying to keep a spoon and an egg together. The sack race.

Sack race. Absolute classic. Sam Allardyce would win that. I don't think... Who? Sam Allardyce. I don't think they do it anymore, you know. Three-legged race?

People with big cocks? Sam Allardyce at the window. 100 metres. Woody? Yeah, I agree I think it would be really I think

well the race was why was there no sack race I'm starting to think Dave Lucinda is it they banned it because of

fuck off fuck off also I know where do you get sacks from pillowcases you could use it's fucking

big quality get them from a coal mine I love it I love it when he can't land his own bullshit because it's so bullshit It's fucking big quality. Get him from a coal mine. I love it when he can't land his own bullshit because it's so bullshit. Get him from a coal mine, Dan. Who's been to the coal mine today? Do you know as part of the sports day

they do a mum's race and a dad's race? Fuck off. You raced? No, Jack was past his bedtime and booting off badly. Laura's like, one of us is going to have to take him home. Laura does so much with the kids. I can't be like, I'm staying to watch. Like that would be a cunt move.

So I had to take him back. So Laura ran in the mum's race. My neighbour Neil was like, no, there's no way I'm doing it. My knee's been giving me a bit of jip. I did the half marathon, chest half marathon. I won't be able to do it. Apparently when they were like, right, it's time for the dad's race.

The parents had gone up. There was literally 200 people watching the sports day it was like a league two fixture it's phenomenal and then it sort of curved around the bend at the end of the 100 meters and everyone that got there late had sort of gone that way so there was a good 200 people watching but some of them were the end so they did the mum's race and the laura raced did very well didn't place you know and that's Etta. Like a mother, like daughter. Yeah, I'm afraid, genetics-wise. Even wore her running leggings, took it, you know, she turned up,

and then the dads turned up. Now, I am glad I didn't have to do the dads, because I wear sports stuff all the time, don't I? But if there's dads that have never done the school drop-off, they're going to see me and go, this cunt's taking it fucking serious. If you turn up in Lycra, you look like a right fucking hard-on, don't you?

But I genuinely wear this kind of stuff all the time. Next year, I'm running in that, and I'm fucking training for it. This is what I'm telling you right now. I've got a reason. I want to get good at running, so I fucking turn up. Apparently, a PE teacher won, and I absolutely telling you right now. I've got a reason. I want to get good at running. So I fucking turn up. Apparently a PE teacher won

and absolutely fucking bombed it. Neil said he was doing really well. And as soon as you got on the line, because Neil was like, I'll do it. I'm not getting competitive. All the dads get so competitive that the people,

the parents at the end who are watching, the teacher set to go up and go, you're going to have to move. You can't sit there because once the dads get going and they get competitive, they're like a herd of elephants. Just remember. And we'll just fucking charge through you.

So you've got to... If you're going to take it seriously, first of all, two things. You can't out-train a bad diet. So make sure you diet at some point, right? And secondly... Yeah, thanks for that, Gillian McKeith. Marginal gains are important.

So as much as you want to train, everyone else is going to train as well if they're taking it seriously. It's about getting... No, they're not. That's why I'm... It's about getting in their head on the day. Yeah.

Right. So just go around calling everyone's kids ugly. Tell them that their wives are fat. Just be really audible to everyone. Get them really sort of like thinking about stuff. Just be like,

you put weight on. Just little things that'll niggle away at them that'll give you an advantage in the race do you think that's what Usain Bolt does yeah

just like goes down the line he just goes hey track four your wife's a slag and then just track four's like the race is over

before they've run it guarantee you nothing to do with him being brilliant he just gets in the red no it's this is the thing he's brilliant

he's brilliant because of that will you train me will you be my trainer yeah right brilliant we've got 12 months brilliant he just gets in the red no it's it this is the thing he's brilliant because of that will you train me yeah you be my trainer yeah all right brilliant we've got 12 months and i want to turn up and not be bad i'll have you looking like jason statham in 12 months nandrolone can we go drugs i know it's always going to be drugs you don't need drugs steroids you need a mentality change right thanks it's not a diet it's a lifestyle I'm glad we didn't do correspondence for this section

just fucking made me worried about my children's future nice be the better you done poor Gemma I think you'd be phenomenal can't wait till you've got

little shagging Vinnie Rowe yeah that wasn't words shagging Vinnie Rowe shagging Vinnie Rowe I Can't wait till you've got a little shagging Vinnie Rowe. That wasn't worth it. Shagging Vinnie Rowe. Shagging Vinnie Rowe. I can't wait. Actually when you have your first school sports day I'm in. I'm coming.

I'll be in the crowd. Can we do it as a patron special? No, they're not going to let that happen but... Can we just film us? I'd like to be there. Or just blur the kids faces out. Or just put like a different face over all the kids' faces. Chris Akabusi. So it's just an entire event of tiny

Chris Akabusi's racing. With Elton John. Chris Akabusi and his Siamese twin Elton John. It's a metaphor for this podcast. It's a little-known fact that Chris Akabusi and Elton John were separated at birth. That is a little known. It's not very well known.

Break? I break. Elton John's playing Anfield tonight. Sends a laugh. A break. Elton John's playing Anfield tonight. Sends a laugh. The season's over.

All right, guys, time to talk to you about NordVPN. Adam, you were always on about getting a VPN. You're a big fan. I am, and there's a reason for that. I use it pretty much every week. It's not only like a way to set your location to anywhere around the world, which means, you know, you can watch like the Premier League,

you set it to Canada, use a Canadian streaming service. You can also like, if there's a film you want to watch and it isn't on British Netflix, you can find out what country's Netflix it is on, set your VPN to that country and then watch it. It just, it opens up the entire world of film,

sports, everything. And on top of that, it's a malware protector as well. So it stops you getting viruses. It certainly helps you like repel a lot of them. I can't recommend it highly enough. I don't really need to do a hard sell on this.

There's three plans with NordVPN. There's standard, there's plus and complete. Even complete is only what? Is that 5.99 in dollars a month? Just get it. It'll be the best money you spend every single month.

I cannot recommend it enough, especially with NordVPNn you get a 30-day money-back guarantee so i don't really know what people are waiting for nordvpn.com slash have a word use code have a word go get it and wank in jamaica you're doing that for attention aren't you that's why you're doing it you're doing that so that we That's why you're doing it. You're doing that so that we all go, oh, you're eating a cucumber. I just,

what? I just think, I think I need, I need the cleansing elements of a cucumber. Yeah. I've had to imagine a chat about sex

with my future son that was graphic. I had to go at Carl, I feel bad for it. You could have had it in the interval. I need a, I need a cleanse. You could have had it in the break. You should have eaten an egg first. I need to go at Carl. I feel bad for it. You could have had it in the interval. I need a cleanse. You could have had it in the break.

You should have eaten an egg first. I need a cleanse, yeah? Yeah. You could have done this in the interval. You've done it on the podcast on purpose. We never eat on the podcast. You get pissed off when other people do it. What you're eating tomorrow, Dan, will not be as edible.

Hang on. I'll have a bit more salad. Who eats salad from the pack? Oh my God. Bite. Do that now and bite it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it.

But Adam's face made me laugh. He was like, fucking not bad. Dan, bite. Oh, bite. You're eating a tomato hole a whole you fucking slut. I really didn't appreciate that. Oh, it's horrible. I feel some regret.

Correspondence. Two seconds. To anyone listening who's like getting all creeped out because it's all audible in their ears, I haven't even got headphones on and I feel you. He's a fucking prick.

You love me. Questions? Yep. This is from... Come on, let's wrap this shit up. I want to go to Nando's. Come on. Oh my God.

Come on. This is really the story of my life. I genuinely, that's how i feel about most i don't want to wrap it up by the way listener i want to make sure you get the best product oh man shut up you you're doing i'm sorry he's hungry oh adam's in a rush once have a whole tomato lad he doesn't like them uh this is from a lady had a conversation with my i've basically deleted a name and i can't remember it but it's from gemma. Had a conversation with my... I've basically deleted her name and I can't remember it.

But it's from Gemma. Had a conversation... Year 10. Had a conversation with my scouts friend the other day and she mentioned Super Lambanana. No one has a Scooby-Doo what she's on about.

Dan, as a foreigner to Liverpool, do you have a clue what it is? Do you know what it is? Google it. Super Lambanana. Do you know what it is google it super lamb banana do you know what it is do you know what the super lamb banana is it what's going on super lamb banana yes you know what a super lamb banana is it's a super lamb banana it sounds like a really fucked up curry do you actually not know what this is no wow what's the super lamb most households have got one in Liverpool

a super lamb banana yeah is it all one word is it a super lamb yeah banana yes

what do you think it is Carl was lying most households don't have one but there are hundreds of them now that's not actually true there's loads of

lamb bananas there's one super lamb banana well either I've had the aneurysm or you've had one together. Is it outside the uni? The super one? That's on the docks, I think.

Oh, is it outside the uni? It's outside the uni, yes. Used to be on the docks though, didn't it? They move it. Yeah. I've ridden it. Many times. Is this a riddle?

Is this a riddle? Nope. Are we doing a riddle? No. No. 125 super lamb bananas in the city. No. They're just lamb bananas.

I'm sorry, lamb bananas. One super lamb banana outside the uni. So, do're just lamb bananas. I'm sorry, lamb bananas. One super lamb banana outside the uni. So do you want me to tell you what it is? Yes, please. Okay, you can pull it up, but don't turn the telly on. Tell her to turn it on, but pull it up. So the super lamb banana is a statue of a lamb

with a banana for an ass. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake up. And then, when we got Capital of Culture, in 2008, I believe. They had 124 more of these cunts.

Yeah. And spread them all around the city, but they were smaller. But they were all multicoloured. The Superland banana is yellow, because of course it is, bananas are yellow. But like,

the other ones were all multicoloured and had like, art on them. Oh course it is. Bananas are yellow. But like the other ones were all multicolored and had like art on them. Oh, now in Manchester we had some cows knocking about for a bit. Yeah, not the same thing. No, but I mean like little arty installation

like cows and they were in different colors. Yeah, they're bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to see it? Not similar in any way though to the Super Lamb banana.

No, no, no. Do you want to see it? Yeah. Nailed it. And in three, two, one. Here we go. Oh, God, that cucumber's... There's the super lamb banana.

Oh, yeah. I've seen that. Yeah. It's a lamb with a banana for an ass. I've ridden that. Do we know the history of the super lamb banana? It's like a... It's just an art installation.

It is what it is. Well, no, it's actually a legend. It's like the live birds. Do installation It is what it is Well no It's actually a legend It's like the Liverbirds Do you know the legend Of the Liverbirds? Go on The legend of the Liverbirds Is if Liverpool

Is ever under attack The Liverbirds On the top of the Liverbuilding Will come to life And save the city Obviously Didn't work out When we got bombed

During World War 2 I think they were Having a day off Or they were Nazis Maybe the Liverbirds Nazis Conspiracy? I'd say that, surely.

The Superland Banana is supposed to protect all the farm life within the Merseyside area. All the farm life? Yeah. There's loads of farms in Scam, isn't there?

In Merseyside. It's a Merseyside thing rather than a Liverpool thing. So if there's ever like a... All them Scouse farmers, they're so happy about it. That's what you need, isn't it? They need protection. No, but like, there is loads of

farmers around Merseyside. In Lancashire? No, in Merseyside. No, that's actually Warrington. It's Lancashire. Yeah, Lancashire Lancashire There's plenty of

Lads I know you get really defensive About your city I know you love Liverpool I know you love the Superland Bananas But that moment When you were like No lads

We've got loads of Fucking farms We've got the best farms Like my I'm not saying they're the best I haven't got a clue Where the best farms are My mate Daz

From school Yeah killed four people And then started a farm Kept pigs Fucking fed the bodies To the pigs Yeah It was in Shoebrooke

There's no farm in Shoebrooke No Oh is there not Sorry fucking stupid Inner city Anfield Farm Yeah yeah yeah No chance

Oh no The lesser known Sefton Farm You've never been to Sefton Farm Sefton Park's off farms. Yep. Working farm. Yeah.

Ah, cool, cool, cool. But yeah, so it's half lamb, half banana, because the banana represents the crops, and the lamb represents the animals. It's kind of cute. And I have seen it, but it's just not registered. Yeah. And there's low...

Like, if there's ever, like, an outbreak of, like, pesticides or whatever they're called. An outbreak of pesticides. Someone sp're called. An outbreak of pesticides? Someone spills a truck. Termites. It's meant to protect all the ones on the major side. And a lot of people believe that's why the foot and mouth epidemic never actually reached major side.

Because of the protection of the super land banana. Yeah, and the fact you've got no fucking farms. Yeah, so that's the other one, isn't it? But I like your first read on it. Fucking foot and mouth never affected Liverpool. I'm telling you, this is just wild. No, no, no. No farm that was on Liverpool 1 Fucking foot and mouth never affected Liverpool. I'm not saying that. I'm telling you this is just what. No, no, no. No farm that was on Liverpool 1

got foot and mouth. You know the famous Liverpool farms in Liverpool 1? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Clinton Cards and then there's another Clinton Cards. There's Sports Direct

and then there's two farms and then there's Pandora. You know them. Go and get a nice bracelet. There's no Pandora shop in Liverpool It's in Williamson Square Oh shit Three farms over

Yeah yeah yeah Where's the other farm I'm thinking of That's Chiquitos That's the other one Chiquitos Farm Yeah yeah There's loads of farms on the widdle Excuse me? There's loads of farms on the whittle Excuse me?

There's loads of farms on the whittle So what? So is the Wirral Liverpool now? I said Merseyside didn't I? You've spent I said Merseyside You've spent fucking years going Whittle, awful fucking honourable cunts over the water

You fucking gay scouts as you're not even scouts Get out of it. Paul O'Reilly. How did you go really weird, Scouse? I was trying to do you. It is Merseyside. Isn't it Cheshire? No. It's Merseyside.

The Widow. It's on the side of the Mersey isn't it It's a peninsula It's on the side of the Mersey Didsbury and Manchester is on the side of the Mersey If we're getting technical It is a peninsula In Asia

In the county of Cheshire Some of it is Oh no Whoa Some of it is Let's give a rewind Historically Cheshire. Yeah. Some of it is. Oh, no. Whoa! Some of it is. Let's give a rewind. Historically, Cheshire.

Only Southern Theatre's been Cheshire. The rest is a metropolitan borough of... Oh, he's got me on a teckers. He's got me on a teckers. By the way, I made all of that up. In your Liverpool farms. I made all of that up. I've got no idea the cultural significance.

It just looks a bit funny, and it's got a banana for an ass, and who doesn't want that? It's good that I believed it of that up. I've got no idea the cultural significance. It just looks a bit funny and it's got a banana for an ass and who doesn't want that? It's good that I believed it for a second. You did, of course. And that's why Foot and Mouth never got to Liverpool City Centre in the shopping district. Or the Bavarian Quarter. From before.

From before. There's lots of Germans in this bit welcome to the Bavarian quarter welcome to Eggworth do you want a Bavarian slice that's all we have a dart and breakfast and brown boards and some pretzels

I've got brown boards I've got my boots and my clothes on I have a lisp don't take the piss we secretly put the liver birds on the building. They're sympathisers. What lisp? What's an L in? It was made by a New York-based Japanese artist, Taro Chieso.

A New York... Hang on. A New York-based Japanese artist. Yeah, I can see why. Originally from Japan and lived in New York at the time. All right, nice one. City-wise wise someone from Liverpool council was like

fuck I know a lad actually hey we need some art to put up around to know to protect the farms does anyone know yeah yeah

I do actually I know Tamiki my lad Tamiki oh Tamo oh Tamo yeah yeah he was in

he was in the year below us you know that New York based Japanese artist yeah yeah did he go Cardinal He below us. You know, that New York-based Japanese artist. Yeah, yeah. Did he go Cardinal Heenan? Everyone went to Cardinal Heenan.

Steven Gerrard, murderers. Voldemort. Jay Spearing, Voldemort. My nan, your nan, and Tomeklo. It's an all-boys school. No, Mike Mynan, the French goalkeeper. Jim. Carl, everything's forgiven. I apologise for before. Mine and the French callkeeper. Jim! Carl, everything's forgiven.

I apologise for before. Laying more eggs on a fucking Scouse farmer. I haven't stowed my eggs. It's the chickens. Thanks for pulling me up on that one. And fish. And if you like chicken, yeah. Thanks.

Get down to Liverpool 1 for all your fresh produce. You ever had that, Dan? What's it called? What's the expensive shit called? Caviar. You ever had caviar? Has Dan ever had caviar? He hasn't had fucking... Gravy?

Gravy? He hasn't had fucking spuds? What? Whatever. I probably... Have hasn't had fucking spuds. What? Whatever. I pay a bully. Have you ever had caviar? I've had caviar and spuds. That's what I went for.

I've had caviar. Yeah, me too. Yeah. It's a bit weird. What is it? Fish eggs. Raw fish eggs. Tad Polges.

Raw fish eggs. Right, raw fish eggs. Yeah. Let me just check if I've had it. I've got tomato, cucumber. Yeah, I've got some anodine extra. I've got some raw fish eggs. Yeah, yeah.

You fucking sea paedophiles. You're eating some shit, Mano. Probably literally. You didn't go for cedar files there. Cedar files? It's a seedy peter file peter file is also kinky

aqua pedo um tomorrow we're doing the taste thing aren't we we're doing a podcast with food we don't like yeah and we're doing

and we're doing some we're doing a spice challenge as well and spicy gear and all that why didn't we just do another lock in or something why have we put ourselves through this what the guy was like we're not doing a lock in for a while I't we just do another lock-in or something? Why have we put ourselves through this? What?

The guy was like, we're not doing a lock-in for a while. I think we've had enough lock-ins. We've had to fucking, we've had to... Adam's eating a hardvark arsehole tomorrow. Hardvark arsehole. As long as I don't have to do tuna, I'm not arsed. You can put a kangaroo cock up my arse. I'd rather do that than have a tuna pussy.

So no piss take here, because I absolutely agree with him. I'm guessing tuna's involved. Yeah, kangaroos got big dicks. Have they? Do you think? Oh,

probably firm. Maybe when they're, maybe when they're erect. But once you've drained the blood and put it in a frying pan. No. Cool.

Enjoy your breakfast, everyone. Monday morning it's gone out. It's your fault for being a pube. Stand-up question? Stand-up question. Yeah. We do stand-up.

You do? I don't know if you know. We do stand-up. It's quite a high level. David Dukes. Oh, thanks to everyone who came to the Comedians Club in Chester last week. We did the first ever of my what is going to be

monthly from 2023 what happened there they haven't told us what happened there really so we started this club

we've got August the 20th we did Saturday just gone we've got Saturday August the 20th tickets are at comediansclubchester.com

the link will be in the YouTube description and all over my socials we've got September the 24th which we've got my socials. We've got September the 24th, which we've got Finn Taylor for, and we've got November the 26th, which we've got Cardonly for. I'm literally just booking people I love. It's great. Got in there

on Saturday. I'd never seen stand-up in the room before. We went to see a folk night in November and went, oh my god, this is great. We can fit 200 people in here. There's not loads of rooms in Chester where you can do that. So we just booked it. Finally got through and booked it all go on you went to see a folk night so we got told about the venue and we went to our mate martin who runs the eagle where we went for a pint afterwards which is why i ended up shit-faced and he was like oh shit there's an event on so if

you want to go and see the room we can just nip over my mates running the night and it's like a fucking midweek end of november cold as fuck folks night there was like 15 20 people in at best so we walked in looked at the room went oh my god this could be amazing but it was the first time we'd ever tried it we'd not been in the room since i was i don't get anxiety loads i got it on saturday afternoon just gone it was like i haven't really spoken to the council much. They run the building. I don't know how this is going to go. We've got our new tech set up. I don't know how it's going to sound.

Everything was amazing. East Shand opened. I compared East Shand opened. Dean Cogley was on in the middle, and Phil Nicol closed. Phil Nicol closed in a way that it doesn't matter what kind of stand-up you're into, whether you like Dave Chappelle or whether you like Peter Kay. If you were in that room, you'd have loved that set did he do only gay eskimo he did only gay eskimo and because we've talked about it in such like reverential terms on this pod and there's a lot

of podcast people who'd come in because i'd mentioned the comedians club on uh the pod he went i'm gonna do the only gay eskimoimo. And people went, yay! So cute. It was so cute. I was like, I fucking love Have A Word For That. We've basically hyped one guy's song. And I know he's been on the pod, but you were away. It is the most magical room for stand-up. I wouldn't want to be in there Wednesday to Sunday.

I get it. It's not. But it's going to be monthly from next year. And it's going to be a room that everyone loves playing. It feels amazing. Everyone on the same level, everyone in really nice comfy seats. We got to run the bar, so it was only three quid for a can of lager. So people were at the bar going, can I have like three beers?

And we were like, yeah, cool, nine quid. So everyone's chuffed, they're getting a deal. And I was dead happy. I was pleased. I felt really proud of it. I'm running it with my mates Antonio and Rummy. And as a result, because we didn't have to pay for lager, I got fucking steaming.

I got steaming. I tried to do a promo vid at the end with Will Hutchby where I was going to get everyone to boo again. And I was like, Comedians Club in Chester. On August 20th, this is in Chester. This is Comedians Club Chester. And August 20th, it was in Chester. It was a comedians club, Chester. And I was like, I got everyone to boo. And some little knobhead, three rows back,

waited for a lullabend. I was like, just shout abuse. And everyone was like, nonce, boo, fucking knobhead. You shot yourself. And then someone just waited for a lullabend. Adam's funnier. I was like, fuck off, you fucking rat. Anyway, it was fucking class.

So thanks very much for coming. It's not going to be all the time. It's just going to be monthly. The next one's August 20th. We've got Jamie Hutchison on and Simon Wozniak. It's going to be great. So thanks for coming down. We've got a stand-up question.

We've got two stand-up questions. Emma Taylor says, wag wag lids. I know it's something you've discussed on the pod before but it seems more and more comedians base their acts or specials talking about comedians right to make jokes without being cancelled or what the audience can or can't be offended by at what point does this become like a trope or even a hack? Are any comedians actively avoiding mentioning this on stage? Keep up the good work. That's from Emma. Yeah, I'm getting a bit bored of it. Like, I don't like slagging other comedians off.

That's a smart question, isn't it? Yeah. But I am really bored of it. Like, every time a controversial comic like Chappelle or Gervais or whatever puts a special out, it kicks off this big debate over what can be said and what can't be. And at the end of the day, Netflix have already bought Gervais' next special,

despite the fact people are all pissed off at the stuff he's saying. And he's on stage for over an hour talking about the stuff he can't say anymore while saying it, knowing full well he's getting tens of millions of pounds to say it. And it's so annoying and boring. Comedians can say whatever they want, but the audience, the people who watch it, get to say whatever they want

about what they've said. That is what freedom of speech is. And I'm so bored of the conversation. And also, Netflix love it when it kicks off. They know exactly... When Jimmy Carr gets the Prime Minister And also Netflix love it when it kicks off. Yeah. They know exactly... When Jimmy Carr gets the Prime Minister criticising him for being offensive,

when Chappelle causes walkouts at Netflix, I'm sure that's some internal wrangling they've got to sort out, but fuck me does it not help them sell subscriptions. Absolutely. It's great marketing. It really, really is. But it is getting a bit sort of,

it's a bit hacky now. If this new media bill comes in, that's when it'll become a serious problem. Because Nadine Dorey, who is supposed to be a scouser and is a Tory scum-cum-bitch and I hope she dies tomorrow. Not today. Let her have her day in the sun.

Woo! Nice weather. She's trying to bring a bill in where she would have the right or the government would have the right and the power to tell Netflix to take Jimmy Carr's special down because that joke is unacceptable that's a very very

very very dangerous area of time we'd be going into where like people should be allowed to not enjoy something and tell all their friends I hate this and you shouldn't watch it that shouldn't mean that it is restricted from people who want to watch it and understand that jokes don't actually cause physical harm there's a very different thing and the documentary i'm filming at the minute is touching on this like you can't tell people what they can and can't watch and if you

want to do that it will just go massively underground and that's when it gets very incel-y and dangerous and stuff you can't put all the pressure on a comedian to make sure all of their audience aren't fucking stupid when i've spoke to people where they're like oh it's the comedian's responsibility to make sure every single person who sees the joke fully understands every inch of it we can't do that there's some idiots who are going to see jokes if i make a joke about race they're gonna be like yeah fucking hell i'm racist as well we're the same they don't understand it we spoke about it ages ago and had a clip go viral for the wrong reasons and we pissed a load of racists off when i made a joke about race in my last hour and someone come up to me at the end of my tour show and was basically like yeah we should be allowed to say the n-word shouldn't

we mate and i was like no you've completely misunderstood everything it's not if that's consistently happening then you have to work on it a bit it's not a comedian's job to make sure the entire audience get it you can pitch it to whatever level of intelligence you want to and the government getting involved and trying to censor comics and telling broadcasters and streaming services you've got to take this comedian special down because we've deemed this joke unacceptable. That is a very, very, very, very dangerous precedent to set and absolutely cannot be allowed to happen.

By the way, it's not a new precedent. It's the old precedent. That's what they used to have that. They used to have total strangling control over the BBC and what went on TV. Like, because of advertisers and because it was a fee-paying, like the BBC was paid for by fee payers, like they had this awful control. And what is stand-up on most TV?

It's pretty lame because they've controlled it and they've sanitized it. And then the internet has come up and it's the wild west in terms of content and now governments are like they're turning their focus to control of that and all it will do is just take away all of the the excitement and the edge and the true quality that netflix and and uh and youtube thank fuck for YouTube. Look where we are. Do you think any of Have A Word would exist if ITV had been involved or Radio 4? No. Christ almighty.

And if you like what we do here and you're a fan of this, when that media bill gets properly proposed, you should be staunchly against it. Yeah. And stay away from porn as well. Because I like some weird stuff fucking rats erm

ok another question ok hi Dave and the captain don't know what that means hope you're both doing well absolutely hi Dave and the captain

Paul Smith's son used to call me the captain oh yeah that's old school oh that's old sorry that's so long ago this fella goes captain. Oh, yeah. That's old school. Oh, that's old. Sorry. That's so long ago. This fella is lagging behind. This is catching up. The amount of people who are like,

I'm only up to episode 38. I think she's shat in the bin. You're like, just think it. You don't need to email me. I was talking to someone the other day who is, they've gone back to the start, but they're also watching the most recent ones and they're trying to meet it in the middle.

So they're watching the oldest one whilst watching the newest one and slowly coming towards the middle ground that is that to me is like going to a restaurant and going right I'll have a garlic bread to start

I'll have the lasagna for main and a tiramisu and then she's going tiramisu garlic bread lasagna it's fucking weird that's fucking weird

no am I wrong that's like Japanese people eat the dessert with their main... Do you spend time in Japan? No, no. I've never been. Are you New York based? Because I've got Google.

Yeah. Hi, Dave and the captain. Hope you're both doing well. I think we're doing really, really well. Thank you, mate. Thanks for asking. Absolutely love the pod and was wondering if you'd be able to help me out with something.

So I've never been a big fan of Doggy because every time... Snoop. Doggy, I think... Doggy style. Can I just say, before you asked the stand-up question... You said two stand-up questions.

You said two stand-up questions. If this is a stand-up question, I'm going to be very impressed. So I've never been a fan of Doggy because every time I do it, I get a whiff of poo coming from the comedian's rear. Oh, wow. Yeah.

So every time he bums a comic... Hang on. No, can you ask this question properly? Right. Because I'm really intrigued now. Do you want me to go back and do the stand-up question no we'll do that after this it's about snacks at stand-up we can do that after this i want this one i like something the doggy one i hope you're both doing well absolutely love the pod and was wondering if you'd be able to help me

out with something so i've never been a fan of doggy because every time i do it i get a whiff of poo coming from the girl's rear end. Now, I thought this was... What? Kind of ill bitches. Type of ill bitches. The boys. The ill bitches. Let me tell you something, boy. When we go on a boys' holiday,

I get my wipes out, I clean the bitch. I fuck the bitch from the back, but I clean the bitch. That bitch get the baby wipe. Now, I thought this was just a one-off, but it's happened multiple times with multiple people. He's bisexual. I was wondering, do I have a chat with him about the smell, do different

positions, or just suck it up? In brackets, the smell, not her rear end. All the best from a big fan. Maybe his cock stinks of shit. It must be that. Because multiple. Multiple.

No. Multiple. Multiple homeless people. Yeah, stop shagging homeless women. I pick them up. I take them home. They're like, please, can I have some food? I'm like, shut up. Doggy style. please can I have some food I'm like shut up

doggy style why do we have to do it doggy style because you've got no teeth genuinely I really think you need to put cleanliness on the top of your list

of what you're looking for because come on yeah but how do you know sniff round her arse before you meet her like a dog surely you can tell

who's got a stinky bum apparently not otherwise unless I just don't believe these aren't Instagram tens who need to wipe the bum come on

hey I'll tell you right now right now Dua Lipa doesn't need a wet wipe before bonk so I before bonk

fuck I've had a few one night stands in my time the most attractive. I've had a few one-night stands in my time. The most attractive girl I ever had a one-night stand with, and it never went any further, had the dirtiest pom-pom. Stunk. No.

Do you know what it is? I think she's like, I don't need to make any effort down there because I've made it all up here. What? She's got... It takes me so long to get ready

look at my face I am a 10 right takes me so long hair makeup everything foundation fucking

eyeliner I can't wash my arsehole I just don't have time I spend so much time up here I can't even wash my arsehole you biff yeah what does it smell like

just biff you know. What does it smell like? Just biff. You know, just like, you know, just like, do you know, yeah, do you know the best, the best way I can describe it, right? Do you know when you've been out all day? Oh no.

In the sun. Not like, not like just walking around town. Shopping in jeans. Yeah. Shopping in jeans. In 25 degree heat. Do you know what your boxy smell like

when you take them off? Yeah. No. Do you? Do you smell your boxes after a good shop? You smell them when you take them off. I thought you know they're dirty. Yeah.

No. No. What do you mean? There is a silly going on here. And I want it to stop. I don't want community. You go shopping on a sunny day, 25 degrees. You go Liverpool one.

You go past Pandora, past all the farms. You buy some fresh eggs. Yep. And then you go home. You're like, fucking hell. Wham, down south of the equator, lad. Yep. Take these off.

No. Fucking hell, musty. home you're like fucking hell warm down south of the equator lad yeah take these off no okay no you just get a whiff because they're sweaty as fuck they're wet aren't they you know when you're sweaty yeah but you know you don't smell good finn couldn't give for them for the mic i'm 100% with these and you smell your boxes no you just you just- You don't smell, you don't- You're aware of your own smell. I'm not taking them off and going, oh, let's see how many fucking steps are there today. You did it before. You did it before. You smell and you were like,

oh, I smell a little bit. You do that. You just, you've had a sweaty day. You're just like, oh. My nose is in and around my pit region. I'm like, oh. You just take your boxies off and you're like, oh. And you can just smell,

because they're in your vicinity. It's like the inner thigh sweat. Show me how you take boxes off. I'm going to put them in the wash and now they're here, aren't they? Right, well. It's like the inner thigh swelling. Show me how you take boxes off. I'm going to put them in the wash and now they're here, aren't they? Right, well, that's a fucking lie. Like your boxes don't just go on the floor. I'm going to the wash.

I mean the floor. When I say put them in the wash, I mean in the washing basket. Do you take your pants off like no one's ever taken pants off? Down they go, up they go. These are pants in the wash. Oh, Lord.

25 degree. Oh, Adam. Let me tell you how hot it was out today. I ain't even been outside. I'm sniffing my pants. Oh, that's a 25 degree shopping day, motherfucker. I put them in the washing basket immediately, yeah. You put them on the floor? No, I don't. Not if they're sweaty. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a passive smell. If I've had a dry day, absolutely lash them on the floor. Fucking hell drizzling today. Jesus Christ, smells like Demersi. Anyway, this girl's funny,

smelly, thot, apparently. Go on, go on. Sorry, I'm so lost in shopping arse. You get swamp arse from shopping.

Cool. Chef's arse. Chef's arse. Yeah. All right, cool. Just put that back. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed from shopping. Cool. Chef's ass. Chef's ass. Yeah. All right, cool. Just put that back. I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed the journey. Yeah. Like the bayou. You know when your balls are sweaty enough to ruin your pants? You have been on phenomenal form today. Absolutely phenomenal. I think you should always gig hungry. I'm starving.

I know. You got so annoyed before. It was brilliant. Four more questions. Absolutely phenomenal. I think you should always gig hungry. I'm starving. I know. You got so annoyed before. It was brilliant. Four more questions. Four more. I'm trying to drop a stone in a week so that I'm thin on me special. Just go shopping on a warm day. Sounds like a couple of stone off there. Looking out. What was the question? Oh yeah, stop bombing people with poo in their arse.

By the way. That's our advice. When you're chatting a woman off and she's like Do you want to come back to mine She'll be like Just a quick question love Have you shit yourself recently

No Get us a cab Get us a cab I love it He was like And I was wondering Do I have a chat with him About the smell

Yeah yeah yeah Bend her over And go Just do that Just do that This always makes Laura laugh When I go Just do that As soon as that. This always makes Laura laugh when I go.

Just do that. As soon as you pull the pants down, just go. Hey, hey. I don't want to ruin the mood while I'm worshipping your beautiful body. But you've been shopping today. You've been shopping today. You've been down Liverpool 1. Light a match. Pull a keg down and light a match.

You've been wearing denim. Who though? Light a match. You can speak to them. Now listen, if it's a one night stand, you've got to just fucking grin and bear it and get through it. It's rude that. Grow up, sniff got to just fucking grin and bear it and get through it. Cause it's just, it's rude that. Grow up, sniff a bit of fucking bum whiff.

Exactly. But if this is like the second or third time you see them and it's a consistent thing, at that point, you've got to go, listen, love, I need to teach you to wipe your ass properly. This is becoming a problem. Hey, did your mum do the birds and the bees? I'm going to do the fucking wipes.

Sit down. Got something to tell you. What are you saying the shower yeah when you get them home go get in the shower first girl no no not that oh oh to fuck in the shower fuck in the shower why why what should i ask for that's really funny are you fingering me no i'm fucking wiping your ass girl can i just say that? Pastor Dove. I know we've just got back, but I find it really central to shower. She's like, oh my God, do you want to shower with me?

Yeah, I do, yeah, yeah. Just rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing imperial leather. Right under, right under. And then arms up. Adam washes his ass for bed. Hey, babe, let's do pits and bits. Come on Yeah If it's the third time

You've fucked them From behind And it still stinks of shit That's on you innit At that point You've got every right To go listen love There's something wrong here

You know There's a smell It's basically poo And that's kind of your fault And it turns out It's the fucking drains Yeah Might be his house

I get a plumber yeah stop rubbing your ass on the drains starting to smell you've been a no context have a word machine today absolutely starting to smell oh let's ready are we sure oh lord tell us all the problems With your fucking smelly ass Can't be right that Can't be right Multiple people

I think Do you know what? I'm sorry to go back to the question I don't think he's had sex I don't care It's a funny question I'm happy that he sent it But

It was like a made up thing Yeah I keep having sex and my dick exploded. Lads, could you have a word? I was sucking on a girl's boobies so hard that they popped in my mouth. Could you have a word? With these popping, titting bitches.

Can you die from getting too much pussy? Dear Adam and Dan, I am getting so much pom-p pump. My dick is now 12 inches like George's Marvelous Medicine. It's getting bigger. I've gotG. So much better. So much better. Roll doll dick. Bars. I've got roll doll dick. Quentin Blake's just drawing your dick in the corner.

Clip it. Lord. He's praying to... Fucking Mecca. Clipper Lord He's praying to Fucking Mecca Let's close it out Let's close it out By the way If you've never had sex before And you want to make up

Or have a word About sex Please send it in If you're a virgin Just make up the most you like Lad Have a word about sex, please send it in. If you're a virgin, just make up the most shit. Like, lads, have a word

with the fucking mermaid that swam out of the Mersey and fucked me in front of Baby Blue. Oh, God. All right, lads. Will you have a word with my best pal?

Old best pal. Right. And let me just check this is the one yeah right hang on right yeah good i just wanted to check it was the one because i forgot i forgot right short story is it all best pal short story we were friends from two months old as his mom used to mind me he is 36 what's up what's happening there's too much communication going on you're freaking me out i don't have a day for that one

i know what's happened um so you used to be best friends um he was my best man and also my kid's godfather. Years and years, we went out, played sport, holidays, shagging birds, the usual. We used to just go around, fucking everyone in sight. Women, other women. Women. Mermaids. I love it when people don't use any punctuation.

Years and years years we went out playing sport that makes it really hard to read shagging birds the usual my wife loves him my kids call him Uncle Martin

he is part of my family again well he was we went to his stag in Magga three years ago that's Magga Luff

for the American Games affectionately known in Liverpool as Shag aish Scruff. Yeah. Carry on. Sniff that, Bulmaul.

It's not what I'll be doing in Parmanova. Monday to Friday next week. Sniffing no Bulmauls, Laura. Fact. We went to a stag in Magga three years ago, and on the first night, absolutely smashed. He pulled a bird on his own. Burrowed.

He pulled a blurt. He pulled a blurt. He pulled a blurt. This pod's done, isn't it? I'm already in Nando's. He pulled a bird on his own stag do and shagged her. Things went a bit wild and anyway, she ended up sucking his dick so hard

and sucking on one of his balls so much, she popped something in his sack and his ball grew five times the size. Photo attached. Is it? What? Then I have to look at the photo. I've put it in the group.

I don't want to look at it. Look at the ball. Okay, it's in now. Can we put it in? Yeah. Can we put the ball in? Oh, maybe nudity. I don't know.

He's set this in. Steve, you're the business manager. Can you put the... Steve Lous nudity I don't know he's set this in Steve you're the business manager can you put Steve Louser VAR Steve AR oh lad I'll allow it

if I had to say it you all had to say it if you do not want to wish if you wish not to see a picture of a swollen bollock skip ahead five seconds from now because it's about to go in now

it's already been up it's already been up back in anyway long story short once home his home, his balls were still massive, and he told his wife to be. I slapped him in the sack while pissed, and it's not been the same since. She made him go to A&E, and he was told his balls had ruptured and won't ever be able to have kids.

His soon-to-be wife was not fucking impressed with what he said and made him choose her or me though i didn't though i did nothing wrong i was covering for a pal he chose her and got married and i wasn't even allowed to the wedding we haven't spoken since and it's been five years i have no i have now found out uh that they've split up and he wants to be cool again what would you do? So he wants a bit of advice he has a word and he wants a bit of advice

it's one of the most painfully written emails I've ever got but there was a massive inflated testicle as part of it so it had to go in the pod Life's too short

let bygones be bygones this man's got a ruptured bollock. Don't rupture it, your friendship. Don't be ruptured. I have to say, though, the guy's been a bit of a rat, hasn't he?

He's on his stag do and he shags someone. And then, never suck the, ladies, never suck the ball. Leave them alone. Just leave the balls alone.

Tickle them. Tickle them. Tickle them. Lick them. But never go, oh, I can fit two in my mouth. No. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Cheap bollocks like an ice cream, not a lolly ice. I think he's been a good friend here. I think you've got to be like... You've been a great friend. He's come back and he's gone... What's his wife's game? Why is she so arsed?

What? Why is she so arsed? What? Why is she so arsed he slapped him in the dick? Because she probably wants children. Why is she so arsed? No, but like if he just... In her head. This fella has essentially

murdered her kids. If in his sleep he gave him a vasectomy, then yeah. But he just slapped... I've been slapped in the dick loads of my mates. That is a weird lad's holiday

prank, innit? Sorry, can we just stop? Yeah, like a little the dick loads, my mates. That is a weird lads holiday prank, isn't it? Sorry, can we just stop? Yeah, like a little ball shot as someone does if you've had a baby or something. We're always doing that. No, not me and you, but people we don't like. No, a ball tap's a thing, isn't it? Your wife doesn't go, don't be a friend anymore. She's a bitch.

Yeah, he was made infertile, though, by the ball pop. The ball from the bed so she I mean there's no heroes in this story no everyone loses yeah but just be mates with him

look he's lost his missus he made a fucking stupid fucking rat decision while he was on his stag his life's in tatters

his cock's probably audible his balls don't work go to the cinema with him have a game of pool wonder if she knows the truth His life's in tatters. His cock's probably audible. His balls don't work. Go to the cinema with him. Have a game of pool. I wonder if she knows the truth. Yeah. I think it's absolutely a horrific story.

And by the way, the guy who's gone, I've got an understag do, I've got an inflated testicle. You sort of deserve that, don't you? Yeah. If you're cheating on your missus on your staggy magaluf and you get a pop testicle. Yeah, it's absolutely perfect karma. It's like that over there. It's popped out.

Yeah. It is what it is. If he wants to be mates, I don't think you need bad karma in your life, but he's one of them mates where you've just always, you've got to keep an eye on him. He's not the guy you bad karma in your life, but he's one of them mates where you've just always, you've got to keep him up, you've got to keep an eye on him. He's not the guy you're going to rely on, is he? I know you used to be

Bezos, but five years off because he's basically been a dirty little toe rag and you've kept it, I mean, until now. Weird time for a fucking tomato. This might be the worst possible time if you're watching

this on Monday or on the early access my Sheffield Sheffield tour show has got some tickets left on Tuesday the

21st of June the rest of my tour shows are sold out adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows for Sheffield we've got the arena are sold out. adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows for Sheffield. We've got the arena on sale.

Ticketcourser.co.uk or gigsandtours.com if you want to come and see Havowood live on Friday the 9th of December. Oh, it's going to be amazing. The ideas are starting to wind up now, aren't they, for the arena? I love it. Ishan's getting so excited about it. Danspreviews.com if you want to

see Dan do his warm-up shows. Dannightingale.com if you want to see Dan do his warm-up shows. Dannightingale.com if you want to buy tickets to his actual tour. Carl 10 for every product you need for anything.

If you just think, oh shit, we've run out of toothpaste, go down to Asda, just say Carl 10, you'll probably get 10% off because he's a scheming fucker. And Finleycoolerviews.com

if you want to get fingered by someone who's in a separate room oh lord it's it's cheap we got have we got some yeah we've got a tune uh this is from a band called stranger waves uh the song's called times changing times changing sorry and then also you can pre-save my single out on the 1st of July. Check my socials. It's all there. There we go. Obviously, if you are a visual watcher, you don't get the music because YouTube will take us down. But the audio people, enjoy the song. Fuck you all.

I'm hungry. Bye. See you later. Oh, there's a boy in the cop car Wishing me California He's a boy in the cop car wishing he could phone you He's got a son in his city They found a sweet jerry cola, wish he never told you Where he hid it away Now I'm puffing my dress, wishing I could stop this

It's driving me insane But every time I get sober, I wish I never told you Wanting you to stay And all we're saying Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Time's changing, I'm moving on so I won't be thinking about you no more You no more Time's changing, I'm moving on so I won't be thinking about you no more You no more You no more

I had the girl on my dreams But lost it at the seams Man, she just slipped away No harm left faking I'm always overthinking Won't you come my way I'm singing bye-bye, you come my way I'm singing bye bye Lola, I guess I never told you

I wanted you to stay Oh, give me the cold shoulder The mission I was on To hope it here Time's changing I'm moving on So I won't be thinking about you no more You no more

Time's changing I'm moving on so I won't be thinking about you no more You no more Too long ago guitar solo Time's changing, I'm moving on So I won't be thinking about you no more You no more Time's changing, I'm moving on So I won't be thinking about you no more

You no more You no more Top staging, I'm moving on So I won't be thinking about you no more You no more Top staging, top staging Top staging, top staging I'm moving on