Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #178 with Thomas Green & Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

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Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me hi mate hi oh god come on that feels like it's a bit too much that's blocking out how are we uh i'm very well thank you uh i've had hair transplants are really coming along aren't they uh yeah yeah i've actually get quite moody because of all the hormone injections I've been taking. But it has left me with a rather sort of sultry RP, which I'm enjoying. You know what?

I'm actually so thirsty for a can of Sneak right now. Sneak energy drink? Sneak right now. Sneak energy drink. Sneak energy drink. I find that the trials and tribulations of everyday life and the commute from London, where I live, up to sunny Runcorn, oh, it just leaves me so thirsty for a can of naturally flavoured, carbonated energy drink with sweetener. Or flavours that done. Oh, it's purple storm.

And it is really cooking up a storm in my uh mouth i can tell you that for free it's vegan approved so no animals were harmed uh apart from um and you love that the fact that you can use the promo code word 10 for your sneak energy drink is word 10 is the promo code i use when i'm getting my sneak energy drink in, actually. It's just a really effective energy drink that if you want to kind of work out or if you're an actuary and you find your day-to-day life quite tedious, give it a little bit of pep with, you know, a bit of liquid cocaine. An actuary? Where did that come from? That's the first job. i was thinking about all our huge actually based fan base all the people that might need a little bit of sneak in their life i think it's probably

if you like have to go through your vehicle registration document yeah sneak is your friend what's your favorite sneak done i know that the purple storm's what you're not oh purple storm um i like violet hurricane i like um magenta breakdown they're all really nice flavors it's an 80s band isn't it yeah yeah well they're all named after 80s bands aren't they because that's what all of them drink now now they're in now that all named after 80s bands, aren't they? Because that's what all of them drink now. Now all the 80s bands are in recovery. They drink Sneak to give them a little bit of pep, where once they would have used cocaine and underage prostitutes.

So it's a real... Allegedly. Well, I said 80s bands. Yeah, it's just I don't not just allegedly well I said under I said 80s bands yeah it's just I don't want them all to sue us so you think that's

that would be a busy evening wouldn't it I tell you what if I was going through all the paperwork trying to defend myself legally against 80s rock bands

who thought that I'd I'd need a can of sneak for that I really would so is that a supplement for underage prostitutes no no no no on top of underage prostitutes

yeah right okay no no no no no no I think what it is is it's a just if you're finding life a little bit you get foggy brain, don't you? I was, I got the train here this morning, an early train.

Yes. Woke up. Joran the strikes as well. What I really liked about getting the train this morning is you were working or you were getting served by the least popular members of Aventi West Coast. Like all the people with the least friends. And so they had to be really friendly with you. Doing my standard premiere upgrade.

Hang on, are they the ones who broke the picket line then? Aventi West Coast. Well, no, there's loads of... I thought there's loads... Everyone's just running a reduced service. Yeah. But I'm saying the ones who are working, are they breaking the picket line?

Yeah. Yeah, they don't care. Right. They'd like their money. This is all right. I'm quite happy ones who are working, are they breaking the picket line? Yeah. Yeah, they don't care. Right. They'd like their money. This is all right. I'm quite happy with me pay. So all those gobshites over there. I disagree.

I think they should, got every right to strike and no fair play. What can happen to the dinosaurs? Did you see that? I quite want to unionize. Should we unionize? Comedians? Yeah.

I think the internet's sort of influence on the comedy industry over the past sort of five years in particular, and obviously before that, I think that is becoming a sort of way, like a modern age version of a union. So what can we do about the fact that in the late 80s, early 90s, people would do comedy clubs and get paid 200 quid a gig in a in the realm of 300 pound a month rent 200 pound

a month rent and two pound 50 one pound 50 pints and now it's 200 quid a gig in a different world um i think what we can do is all star podcasts build our own fan bases and then sell out rooms and take the ticket money rather than giving it to the comedy club that is such an incredible like we can all start podcasts can we you say that as the owner operator of this podcast that's such a tory mentality oh well i did it so everybody can do it honestly that's eric pickles pull your bootstraps up sajid javid please subscribe to my podcast anyway you know if what he Javid. Please subscribe to my podcast anyway. You know, if what he says is true,

then please subscribe to my podcast. You know, Jesus Christ. Do you not think that's what's happening now? No, no, no. I absolutely completely agree. And it is great. And it does work. And, you know, you got in there first. It's not completely the same as, you know,

all the factory workers. Why don't you just get a job? You had a job first. That's why you got a job. So now it's not as simple as starting a podcast because now there are so many podcasts and everybody's starting their own Have A Word in various incarnations.

I should start my own Have A Word, actually. Maybe with Ericic pickles or sajid javid oh my god all three no but that would be a good like contrasting dynamic i think possibly sajid javid because i'm like a left-wing posh boy and he's a working class tory that'd be quite fun that would really be quite fun yeah i would immediately sign up to patreon for the first time ever yeah yeah okay well let's get look list uh listener viewer i'm gonna invite sajid javid onto my podcast and see if well how hard do you reckon i could go at him whilst still maintaining the fact that he would like stay like without him walking off um i mean i don't know because the more and more I watch politicians get interviewed now,

it's like the second you give them a single point that they can't refute, they're just like, ah, well, I'm not doing this program again. But I think actually what they would excel in is a podcast, because there's this huge pressure. Have you ever done live TV? Only the news. Yeah. He wasn't the newsreader.

I need to read the news. All right, Ace. Five people have been taken to hospital. With a gammy, anyway, heart. Anyway. Gammy heart. The news is it. Anyway.

Five people have got gammy hearts. John, what's the weather like, lad? Pissing down. Gammy hearts. Look, there are no bad ideas in brainstorming. Improv isn't always easy, okay? I actually think a Scouser reading the news would be a refreshing change of pace.

Yeah, it would. It would, yeah, yeah. And I don't mean like a soft Ringo Starr South Liverpool Egbert oh I've got me coat and my boots on

no what's happening here this is radio city talk I don't want that no I want someone off the I want like

ITV to go right Trevor McDonald gone we need the new Trevor McDonald years ago like

Dan McMahon gone right Boris Johnson's in Rwanda because he's fucking trying to pass through Gone We need the new Chairman MacDonald Years ago Like damn it Manahan Gone Right Boris Johnson's in Rwanda Cause he's fucking Trying to pass through This policy It's fucking bananas man

Anyway He's there Cause he's trying to Sort the whole thing out It's been a boss job No That's quite southern Sorry

What's a northern scouse We need a northern scouse Okay well what does that Sound like then Karl Like Harjah Like my brother. Remember, we were talking about this. Okay, well, talk me through the vowel sounds

and how they differ. It's human. Well, we're done wrong. Do you remember when we went to, because me, you, my little brother, and your little brother, and my mate Josh, we went to Paris together for the Champions League final. And we were talking about the fact,

when you first met my little brother, you said to me, why do you sound the way you do and why does Jack sound the way he does and why is it so different? And what did I say to you? Because I have friends like you, Elfie. You softened him. Jack is like,

you know the over caricature caricatured sound that people put in bad scouse impressions Jack's got a bit of that and like Northern Liverpool sort of towards Boothall way

that is like that's what I'm talking about that's what I'd like to see on the news that's okay Jamie Carragher yeah

okay you got your Gaddafis you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your

you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your

you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your

you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your you got your've got your Assad, you've got your Mubarak there. And the loss of their power has created a power vacuum in those countries.

So now people are fleeing oppressive regimes and they're going past Lampedusa, they've circled that there, and they're going up into Northern Italy and they're going to go to Calais where they're looking for refuge. But what we're going to do is we're going to send Northern Italy and they're going to go to Calais where they're looking for refuge. But what we're going to do is we're going to send them to Rwanda.

Circled in there. He's going to freeze it. There. There. Yeah. That's a good idea. That's a good idea. Unlike the Rwandan policy,

which is a bad idea. It is a bad idea, isn't it? It is a bad idea. I's a good idea. Unlike the Rowandan policy, which is a bad idea. It is a bad idea, isn't it? It is a bad idea. I agree. I agree with that, based on the three tweets I've seen about it. The only time I've done live TV is when I was on the news. I wasn't reading the news. This tastes good.

Yeah. Why did you ask if I ever done live TV? Because the politicians that you get on the television, they, when they're on live TV, when they're on Question Time, I can't remember the last time I watched it, but whenever they're on some news program getting interviewed by whoever,

they're all doing live TV. So everything that comes out of their face, like imagine if all you were doing was trying not to say cunt fudge. Like on live TV, you just knew it was the end of everything. Like all of your money, your 75 grand a year that you get,

that's like, you know, feeding all the children who you love and it all gets ruined as soon as you go, you're a piss, and it just flies out your face. So they're not thinking about what they're going to say. All they're thinking about is what they're not going to say, which is why everything comes out like, well, I think the idea was that,

because everything they want to say is just, fuck you, you loser. Shut up. Oh, I've got a comedian on here. Shut up, idiot. I'm an MP, Member of Parliament. I was elected by people. Shut up. Oh, I've got a comedian on here. Shut up, idiot. Hey, I'm a MP, member of parliament. I was elected by people.

Shut up. Who are you? Armando Iannucci. I like Alan Partridge too, but I don't give a fuck about your Afghan evacuation policy. Back to the studio. Armando Iannucci is a bad example

because he's probably quite a good person to ask and quite clever in those uh in those situations but if you got him on a podcast and you just said to him listen if you don't like it we'll just just say cut that we'll get producer um pavel my producer's gonna be cool um pavel pavel yeah pavel pavel nedved is going to produce and the Tories will quite like that because Pavel Nedved looks a lot like

Nadine Doris doesn't she he does same left foot as well so I'm going to really I'm going to get them to relax I'm going to say

look safe space for you to just we want to get your personality out and get to and I'm going to be empathetic with you about, this is one of the hardest things I think about this kind of. Starts with a really good Pavel Nedved joke that now I can't,

it went too far, but now I can't. Well, I think you've found a way. Do you know what I mean? Go on. Because a lot of people see them as a right winger, but all he wants us to do is be in number 10. Yes. That is great.

I added you. That is great. Usually when people do like a politics football joke it kind of goes along the kind of left wing right wing da da da da da

that's a bar that is great that's because the number 10 is something we hadn't even thought was possible in the realm of the football politics joke world

of which I'm on many reddit threads so yeah no I can't wait to tell them about that of which I'm on many Reddit threads. So, yeah, no, I can't wait to tell them about that. Hijinks in sewer, who was a big fan of Emiliano in sewer. It's going to be a really, it's going to love that. So you're producer Pavel? What was talking about how editable podcasts are and politicians can oh yeah so pavel's gonna sort it all out for us and

that way we're gonna get the true personalities of these uh politicians out and i think it's going to be very helpful my other my other solution to solve politics is to pay all politicians, MPs, sort of £600,000 a year. Right. And whenever you mention that as a good idea, people always say, these politicians don't deserve £600,000 a year. And I go, yeah, but if you pay them £600,000 a year, these wouldn't be the MPs.

You'd get better people. Because the reason why it's only these people is you get people who don't need the money who are so rich that they're just in it for some sort of mad power craze fuck like grim like intellectually impoverished shit eating cock reason like right now yeah uh or you get people who are just a bit crap like you know the others so if you get experts in that solves a lot of problems i think yeah get them all on sneak they'll be fucking coming up with a policy to the device like nobody's business big sneak logo on number 10 um here's the thing though like if i was a politician right which you know, you know, never say never.

Terrifying. Right? What do you mean, terrifying? You know full well I'd solve some problems. What problems? Give me a problem and I'll solve it. Currently? Yeah.

Rail prices. Rail prices. Yeah. Nationalise them all. Private. Again. Sell them to bigger corporations. Sell them to bigger corporations who don't need the money

tell the bigger corporations they're not allowed to make any profit and then give all the railway fares away for free immigration what? immigration get them out

get them out I think somebody's already had that idea I think actually somebody's in roanda right now sling it off mate full next one no room at the end back to me no here's my question right so and that's not my opinion on immigration i was being i was doing a laugh uh here's the thing if i was a politician and never say never right and i came on your podcast or someone else's podcast and it was like right whatever you say can be edited out i would still be like there's cameras on and they're gonna keep this footage and fuck me over at some point

oh yeah because you do you trust pavel um sergeant david does not just trust anyone call Pavel. Yeah, but I introduced Pavel as David to Sajid Javid. Hello, I'm David. Hello, I'm David. Good to see you. David. Suka. Yeah. Yeah, I think, could you draw up some contracts that would give them like right of

refusal on like you know if they like if i said i'm gonna here's the final version of you have happy with that think about if you get this right sagitt this is gonna do wonders for you yeah wonders for you but then i full i know full well that me as the host of that would sign that contract and all that and i would release it exactly how they wanted the thing to go but then i'd also do like the outtakes where sajid it's gone fuck piss shit cunt swat but that would i think make him that would endear people to him those sorts of outtakes because it's like we're in an age of like where you can just go did you like piss on a child and goes oh, oh yes, but it's fun. Anyway.

Oh yes. I actually think the world would be better, it'd be a better place if there was no decorum. Do you know what I mean? If there was no false... That's your world. Yeah, I know. Zero false decorum. If people, especially politicians,

could just be honest and just be, lad, it's fucking hard to do this, you know? It's really hard. There's no right or wrong answer. I'm doing my best. Fuck off and leave me alone. I completely, like, I remember a David Cameron interview

where the interviewer says, hey, why are we selling so much arms to saudi arabia and he kind of goes oh well you know it's just good to know them like i mean i don't know they're nice i like them like shut up fuck off i don't know i don't know just leave me alone and if you had just gone listen they are as good as shit is gonna get and basically they have lots of information on people that want to murder us so basically i send them loads of weapons so they can kill people that they don't like so that the people that they don't like who they kill don't kill us and they give us the info

it's not ideal people die but i sort of value this life the life of the where i am the in control than their life they can sort of kill each other themselves. Don't care. That's not my problem. Not my job. Do you know what I mean? You know, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain

and Northern Ireland. That's me. And I don't really care about anywhere but England to be honest. So just, especially like... If Saudi Arabia were like,

give us some guns so we can shoot Welsh people, I'd still give them the guns. I am just going to Pontypridd. And nowhere else, I promise. Okay, yes, you can still have them then. That's a good deal, I'll take it. What politician would be best over there?

Over there? On the couch? any um i don't know joe biden no why speaking is necessarily his uh strong suit for hours on end he'd be a kid for half of it he'd fall off the couch the whole thing is he's not old he just he was a young bloke with a stammer and now an old bloke with a stammer is like demented. Like he's just, he's always had the problems with his,

I've seen a video where he says you can sum up America with one word and then doesn't say a word. Well, yeah, he's stammering.

If you wait long enough, the video's only five, Twitter only allows two minutes, 20 seconds for a video. He says it two minutes, 30 in. He can sum up America

in one word. Fesh-a-fush-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh-a-fesh- for a video. He says it two minutes 30 in. Donald Trump would be world class over there. He would absolutely be the best person we could get on this. Trump. Trump would be world class. It would be.

It would be hilarious. You just ask him any question. Do you know how big this podcast would be next week if Trump was on there? How much do you reckon we could get him for? I don't know, 10 mil, wouldn't we? You couldn't pay him enough to be on it, right?

You could probably go... 10 mil? You could go to... This is... Have a word. Wag wag lids. We're here today at Mar-a-Lago beach resort we're going to be

interviewing one of the sickest lids ever who's been president of the United States give it up for Donald Trump it would be

it would be like a 15 hour episode I don't think I'm right though nothing like more candour and just honesty in all walks of life yeah

I want to see like in newsreaders. I want them, like, I find it quite... Oh, no! Yeah, no. But you know when they have to deliver bad news and they have to deliver it like they're fucking telling you what time your parcel's going to get delivered? They're like, oh, yeah, thousands died in Sydney, isn't it?

Hello, a bad person did a bad thing today and you can tell it's a bad thing from the tone of my voice. Now go into like the rabbit who escaped. So I was going to end the show with a rabbit who escaped. I think you're getting the news confused with the one show, you know.

Oh, Newsround? Newsround. That's what I watch. Is it? When was the last time you watched? What No, Newsround. Newsround. That's what I watch. It's really good news. When was the last time you watched, what time is Newsround on and what day? 10 past five every day,

Monday to Friday. Yeah, I don't know whether that's true. My kids aren't. You could have said anything then. You could have said three o'clock in the morning. Okay, what about a person you call 999? Would you want them to be the same? Oh, lad, are you missing?

Is he all right? Oh, no! My brother died last week, you know? You want them to be like, okay, sir. You don't want any emotion there. To be shot, what are you gonna do? Have you got a gun? Man, shoot them back, get them now.

You need some people to have some level of, like, chill. I think, yeah, you're definitely right on the emergency sort of response people. But I used to have a bit about, you know, that we'd be able to empathise more with the problems that were going on if people reacted in a certain way. And we've actually, during the Ebola crisis, we've actually got Stephen there.

There's signs of these going on, scenes of these going on. Stephen, what information do you have from where you are? Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Okay, and it's just this shit coming out of people's mouths! Oh, my God!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Back to the studio. We are currently scheduling a request to have a meeting with Melania and Donald Trump, which you can do online. Right, okay.

So we'll get back to you on whether that's successful. Could you sort me out with Sajid Javid? I'm sorry, just while you're at it it we'll do them all on the same day i think and you've definitely he's doing it okay lovely um keep your eyes peeled for that one yeah we want uh who else would be i mean is there an interesting choice i feel like maybe um or be good to get neil kinnikon okay with his big like like, Welsh voice. First of all, it's always a bonus to have a lovely speaking voice. Also, because he's not technically a politician,

he's retired anymore, he doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. It's like when Ed Miliband started the podcast when he got, like, fucked off. Reasons to be cheerful. I've been on that. Have you been on it? Fuck off. What's he like?

I had a man bun at the time, and he took the piss out of it so I think good guy that's sick that's cool as fuck yeah so the thing about Reasons to be Cheerful podcast

is that you pitch policies so I was pitching policies to Ed Miliband and he liked one of them as well what was the policy that he liked? to make philosophy

a necessary part of the curriculum for primary school children. And obviously it's not like, you know, oh, so what does God is dead mean, miss? It's like, you know, thinking philosophically about things like simple, simplistic philosophical problems. Well, I've never studied philosophy in any way. So let's just pretend for a second that I'm a primary school child.

Give me one sort of example of something that I should be thinking about. This is day one of philosophy lesson. I'm like, Mr. Brown, what are we doing today? So I'm showing you a big map of the world, and I've just turned it over like that. I've turned it... What? So what's wrong with that map?

What? What's wrong with that map? It's upside down. No, nothing's wrong with it. Because in the context's wrong with that map? It's upside down. No, nothing's wrong with it. Because in the context of the universe, there's no such thing as up or down, is there? Or, um... You stupid swat.

But it says this is a map of the world, and those words are upside down. No, no, no, no, no. That, that, that, um... Like, the key chart is upside down. I can't read it I can't read things upside down Could you go and

See the headmistress for me Just get out of the Get out I feel like you're being purposefully difficult And Look where it normally says England It says the glan and It doesn't make any sense

I mean those letters are upside down So wouldn't the D look more like a P Anyway Get out Those are all capitalised look Get the fuck out Doesn't make any sense. I mean, those letters are upside down, so wouldn't the D look more like a P? Anyway, get out. Those are all capitalised, look. Get the fuck out. Listen, I didn't know you in this improv, so don't know me.

You can't change the fabric of the universe once one of us is introduced to it. There's your fucking lesson for today. Is that a philosophy? Sorry? I wanted to retrain as uh or i wanted to train as a philosophy for children teacher which is a real thing that exists and it's all about these i suppose with any philosophy or indeed good comedy over dad uh the thing is to

perhaps challenge preconceived ideas or get people to think more deeply about the things that they've already made up their mind about so to think philosophically about you know our world and its place in the universe would technically be but philosophy is basically just like it becomes a problem philosophy when science gets too good like all, like maths was philosophy when it first started. Because somebody, basically it started with somebody going, I think numbers, you know. I really do. I really think numbers.

I just do. I just really have a feeling about numbers. So that's my vibe. And then everyone, yeah, yeah, yeah, numbers. And then, oh, philosophy. No, no, no, maths now. We know enough. And everybody was kind of like back in the day thinking about, what's consciousness? And now some scientist has gone, oh, philosophy. No, no, no, maths now. We know enough. And everybody was kind of like, back in the day, thinking about,

what's consciousness? And now some scientist has gone, oh, it's this. So it's science now, it's not philosophy anymore. So philosophy in terms of how useful it is can really only be useful in, I mean, in terms of moral philosophy,

what's right and what's wrong. Like, is price gouging right? So during the New Orleans flood, news agents hiked the price of water and other kind of emergency necessities that would keep people alive to like $50, $100 a pop. Is that moral or not?

I don't know. Exactly. Surely not. You never did philosophy for kids, did you? Are you still a kid now no are you still a kid no what are you still a kid

no don't get it have you got any philosophies on life have I got any life philosophies yeah

what's your philosophy I I I do as I would have done to me yeah that's why I suck

everyone off. Everyone. When I was sucking you off and you went, what's this for? I don't know. We'll see. Just paying my

cosmic debt debt which means you're behind on your payment for it I was thinking I've been looking

after my kids all week Jessie's away in Bolton filming something very exciting keep your eyes peeled and I've been with my kids all week

she's a new piece of KGB's act I've got a lot. Garlic bread? That's her doing. Her voice is like that. I'm not being a misogynist. Seneca, it's you who does that, isn't it?

You don't feminise your voice when you're talking about a woman. Yeah. Seneca loves that. Yeah, but... I mean, it's a trap, innit? Yeah, she knows, but she still enjoys it. that yeah yeah but i mean it's a trap in it yeah she knows but she still enjoys it yeah yeah she gets it yeah she's not like oh that's that nice she understands the joke right cool it's good it's always well done you what was being said oh yeah

she's the new comedic aid tribute act so I've been looking after my kids and first of all I loving

anyone more than you love yourself I would not recommend it's exhausting second of all like like I haven't masturbated in a week. Sorry.

It's okay. No, no, no. Sorry, I'm making a microphone. I always usually try and have a good wank before I come to the Have A Word studios just to loose my balls of all their attention. But actually, I quite like the way i am right now but like not like also i've not fucked in a week and i just was thinking actually whilst uh yeah because uh yeah there was no non-arrestable way to do it um why have you not masturbated though because i sleep

in the same bed as my 19 monthmonth-old and... Frowned upon. Well, I don't think... I have no idea. It's not anything that, like, you know... Blair never told us what the rules were about that. Like, I just never... The band. I've never... What? Blair...

The band. No, Lionel Blair. Oh, okay. He's my philosophical guru who I went to. But you meant the song two and four guys? No, but I do appreciate how that is how you would say the band Blur in your accent. Right. What the fuck was being said?

Has it been a conscious effort to not masturbate or just, you just haven't? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in bed next to my 90-year-old going, no, you don't. No. Is that your land? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horny 19-month-old.

Yeah, well, listen, it's your podcast you bring out in people. I can't be held responsible. I get contaminated by the atmosphere in the room okay this is not this is not it's not my moral faculty that makes these jokes he's my kid fuck you um and i was the victim in the joke anyway um the point is it's not good anyway i was wondering whilst I was like, uh, like, uh, away from Jesse, I've been, um, not having sex.

I've been celibate and, um, it's, I didn't volunteer to be. So how long not fucking for, like, does it take to be an incel? Hmm.

I think, I think an incel is not just someone who is involuntary celibate as much as that is just the etymology yeah um is someone who has zero chance of having sex within a 48 hour period even if they really tried their best and i don't think 48 hour period i think i think that's a pussy man over here look at any pussy in 48 hours me do you not think you could have sex within 48 hours if you really put your mind to it i feel like you could um thanks man i mean i do too but would i necessarily want to have sex with the person i was having sex with that's not the thing no no it's not the thing but it. No, it's not the thing. But it is important to me. It is, yeah, but that doesn't make you an incel

because incels couldn't. No, that's true. That's true. So, a little, whoever has seen my last show will be aware of a deal that me and my partner made

whereby if she had another child, when I was on tour in Australia, I could fuck whoever it was I wanted. And I went to Australia in the spring and I didn't fuck anybody. Right. I didn't fuck anybody. And the whole,

I mean, it was, it's incredible the feeling like, because you always think that you want to. I think my ideal relationship, like in terms of dynamics, is just a very standard, like monogamous relationship

with just a little bit of cheating every so often. Right, okay. That would be my ideal, if I could choose. Having, like, a little month where you can go away and have a kind of, you know, your bogan fuck party, as I call it. It's the greatest trick the devil ever played. Like, Jesse's saying, yeah, go, yeah,

you want to fuck somebody else, do you? Why don't you go and fuck all of Australia? It's like, you know when you, like, get caught smoking and your parents go, fine, smoke the whole pack. Fuck everyone inralia if i can't i don't want to i'm not into it anymore i don't like it no don't make me like i don't want to so i just do you think it was the permission that put you off um i think it was the permission uh it and the the choreography of it. Like it was too pragmatic. I think like, also, how do you go about it? You don't want to lie to anybody.

You could go and meet somebody in a bar. Joe, so what do you do? Where do you come from? Oh, where do you live? Oh, I live in London with my girlfriend and my four children. Like it's not, so do you want to like, you know, as soon as I finish sucking this bloke off.

I've got to suck him off or I can't let you because i'm actually in death for a minute by a cock of one and i need to can you just wait right don't go anywhere wait right here i've got to suck him off and call me girlfriend say good night to me kids and then i'll be back and we can do whatever you like it's just there's no way she's gonna want to like engage with that there's no way that anybody so being honest so it has to be this sort of random uh a random encounter that sort of with a charged moment and also like cheating is hotter than doing it with permission obviously yeah yeah so you do what she was doing is depriving me of that element of the horniness. That's clever, isn't it? Yeah, really clever.

It's really fucking clever. Yeah. It's literally like parenting, isn't it? She's properly parented you. You can have as many sweets as you want. No, go on. Just all the sweets all the time. You don't have to eat your dinner ever again.

I was doing that with my- You feel scared, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, why is she doing that? No doing that well no no i'll do whatever you want giving me fucking roasties carrots and peas now i genuinely did that to my 19 month old yesterday because it was i was so like he was going snack snack snack and you give him a second then he wants another snack there's no like and you say no because you don't want him to just and then get to a point where he's had a big thing

of rice cakes and i would just yep there you are yep there you are i'm sort of thinking to myself is this like could he die like if he has enough rice cakes what's the limit on 19 month old devouring rice cakes is he just is he gonna get full but he never did and um and he really taught me a lesson about my um not fucking anybody in australia i can eat the rice cakes you know because he never knew some kid died in london today because he overdosed on rye visas anyway over to jump anyway rye veeta is a real throwback food isn't it you don't get too many rye veetas anymore do you i was talking to somebody the other day oh yeah and i said i wanted to have for lunch and she said i had a ham rye vita and i said what do you mean a ham rye vita that's another thing she said yeah

sometimes i just get two rye visas put a bit of spreadable cheese and ham on it and have that as a sandwich and then looked at me like I was insane. It's just a bread replacement, isn't it? Yeah, but there's no such thing as a bread replacement, is there? Otherwise you could have two of those fucking coffee tables with a bit of ham on it. Less a

handle of my Vita, though. You can't replace bread. Bread is just bread isn't it yeah i mean yeah sure sure but i mean like the functionality of what bread like i suppose everything is a bread replacement yeah this is philosophy for kids everything is a bread replacement if you use it like bread because it's replacing the bread so if you did put a coffee table on top of that coffee table with ham and cheese in it it would be a bread replacement it would just be a bad bread replacement a worse bread replacement than

two rivetas is but two rivetas is probably a better bread replacement than two like bits of you know uh like potato cakes something like that right a worse one like the rye pizzas would not be as good yeah yeah but i would my argument i suppose is not that there's no such thing as a replacement is that that isn't a good one that's what i meant when it's more chicken in kfc we do the chicken no it's bollocks i don't like it but i'm just asking you mean when they did like three pieces of chicken and they were like, oh, we've replaced the bun. Oh, a double down. Yeah. A double down.

So the bread is chicken. Yeah. Absolute bollocks, isn't it? No, I had a vegan double down in Melbourne of all places. Just three loaves of bread. Stodgy. Three fucking buns and gravy on it it's a vegan double down

just keep adding bread to it oh fuck oh that sneak's gone right to my head in a good way yeah no it was three bits of vegan chicken satan i think that's why i didn't fuck anybody i was trying to recover from that they're just three lumps of gluten aren't they yeah yeah that's all it is i had a satan burger once and that's never good as if oh my god did you play merry hell with your batty so other than day, I haven't passed a solid since 2002.

And that day, I passed like a ceiling-sized lampshade. Solid shit. I now understand why women complain about giving birth so much because it was like pushing a baby out of my arsehole. That could just be a normal poo you know that you don't experience no no i've had normal poos before and i remember them i remember them fondly i really do this was not a normal poo at all a paving slab it was like getting a bollard

out of my arsehole jimmy do you know what i helped um I find help speeds up my digestion slightly is a can of snake that would have helped it come out no bend Jimmy Bollard one of the Bollard kids fell on my arsehole what a day

is that enough sneak right let's have a break. Alfie, press the big red button. Here's an advert. Okay, here's an advert, everybody. Not for sneak. Not for sneak. All right, guys, time to talk to you about NordVPN.

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slash have a word. Use code have a word. Go get it. And wank in Jamaica. And we're back. Hope you enjoyed that advert break. The for you was just a few seconds, but for us, felt like two and a half hours. We've had a lovely little relax.

We have Finn, Carl, me. Got questions? Yes. This is from Katie. I did all the prep, by the way, I've just passed it over to them. He didn't do a fucking shred of it. That's a lie, to be fair, Finn did. Katie

McKinlay. I've got a question Findad. Katie Mackinlay. I've got a question for you. Katie Mack. Fucking hell. You know, Kato. Oh, fucking Kato. Katie O. Kato.

Katie Mack. Katie Mack. Oh, Katie Mack. Katie Mack. Katie Mack. Oh. Yeah, that's the question. Sorry for your loss, by the way, Katie.

Who did she lose? I don't know. I'm just being a dick. I mean, you're probably right at some point it's worth saying just in case someone died recently do you know what I mean

soz there's no harm there's no harm if she didn't I got in trouble working at Topshop for that did you

oh yeah sorry for your loss just the top for today what did they say no I'm joking I didn't really do that I did genuinely get fired from Topshop for crossing out the word top on all the bags and writing sweat What did they say? No, I'm joking. I didn't really do that. I did genuinely get fired from Topshop for crossing out the word top on all the bags

and writing sweat. Fuck off. To be fair, I got in bad disciplinary trouble for it. I didn't get fired. I left shortly after that. Oh, on Sweatshop? But the... Yeah. I want sweatshop but the yeah

anyway there you go it was a fun fact it was not it was a top shop not top man no oh no

you don't want to work in top man and serve men you want to be an 18 year old boy all cherub faced serving the best

that London has to offer or just whoever the women were i once uh i wonder if this is legal for me to say but um i once uh fancied a girl and she seemed in a bit of trouble um and she was buying 400 pounds worth of shoes and her card was declined and i didn't tell her and i just put the declared put the declined receipt in her bag and left. And she left. So you just gave her the clothes? That's amazing.

How long ago was that? I think, well, that would have been 17 years ago. Oh, fuck's sake. That's why they might have gone under, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. This one's a great one. If we had just had that 400 quid.

If we had just had that 400 quid I once I got with a girl Because I made her laugh Because we used to have to sell Like you know Top shop only credit cards Like store cards And then you'd have to ring

Oh I got in quite serious That was one of them Yeah they're really evil actually And I used to ring up India It was uh and get very frustrated spelling out the people's names who were you were doing the card filling out the card form for and i used to do the like you know the alphabet for them but you do the what's it called the phonetic alphabet yeah the phonetic alphabet but in the least helpful way possible so I'd go okay so it's a e for I G for no yeah okay and

that's and then P for pterodactyl so I D Helena who worked on Topshop shoes found it most amusing and then we went to dance and we had our first kiss while listening to In The Club by 50 Cent and even at the time I couldn't quite engage properly with the kiss as her tongue swirled. You know when you're a teenager and you French kiss somebody and the tongue is kind of like rigid, it's like the tongue has an erection

and it just sort of moves circularly around the mouth Anyway and I just thought it doesn't suit me kissing to this song It absolutely doesn't suit me kissing to this song. And I couldn't really enjoy it. It absolutely doesn't, actually. Oh, no, it's actually not Indiglobe, it was PIMP. She's worse.

And she was, I remember her looking at me with the wide eyes, like, we're going to kiss soon. And then she'd point, you won't get a dollar out of me. And she pointed to her own shoulders, me. No kind of acting firms you can't see, because I'm a dollar out of me. And she pointed to her own shoulders. Me, no kind of acting firms you can see because I'm a motherfucking PIM. And it was... Did you just spell PIMP?

Yeah, P for pterodactyl. Sorry, Finn. What were our questions? I always like to reminisce about having worked in top shop because it's important for people to know that i did a real job with my posh accent just to prove that i'm real you were also an uber driver was he also an uber driver that's much less like you want to charge your phone mate it's not you um well no no that that that wasn't me i did once uh there was i was taking uh three three Indian lads to King's Cross.

They were going to Paris to go on their stag do. And they, like, when I got in, they sort of like, they got in like hesitantly, like they weren't sure whether to get in. I mean, come in. And they were all looking around like there was a hidden camera in there. And then when... Like the one on fake taxi and you're like look genuinely when i got them to king's cross they said like um sorry mate um

can we have our photo taken with you we've just never had a white person an uber driver before and they took their photo with me. And they took a white Uber driver. Wow. Genuinely. Imagine the other way around. It's not remarkable, is it? Hey, mate, I just, you're from Bangladesh.

I'm from, you know, I was born at UCH. Like, photo, like, it's not. If I was an Uber driver, I'd definitely be doing me, me Irish Turkish accent all the time yeah just definitely i'll admit i'm about to love water mate charge your phone what where i don't think you you look like you could get away with maybe being from somewhere else if it was like maybe ethnically ambiguous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But for me, I think I'm kind of, what's the opposite? Ethnically suggestive. Ethnically suggestive.

A bit of a band on T. Yeah. Like the most depressed I could possibly be is Irish. You, with a full on Like Dylan Moran style Irish accent Would fucking work Oh come on now

This car isn't going to Drive itself now lads Now you get in there I know I'm white But I'm Irish okay So you don't have to be so Like open arms about I'm just going to say

If you are as white as you are And three Indian guys Are getting in the car You can't say to them This car isn't going to say, if you are as white as you are and three Indian guys are getting in the car, you can't say to them, this car isn't going to drive itself. I'm going to get in the back. You know what you're doing. You'll be used to the custom here.

Just boodle off to King's Cross and we'll be right on our way. Thank you so much. Yeah, no, no. No, I was, yeah, but I was only an Uber driver for a couple of months. It didn't, it doesn't pay well and it is quite dispiriting

and you've really got to, the people that do it and earn a decent living off it are like among, and I always talk to Uber drivers now about it and the amount of work they put in to try and make money is astonishing it is like a real it's a real it's a real fuck of a shift they put in

so good for them here's to the Uber drivers who you know uh are out there and you know what when if if like time travel's ever invented. Sure. Uber driving will become obsolete. Finn, have you got any questions? That's so true. Why are you asking Finn? Because he did the prep. He's with the fucking mic. Go on.

Have you got any questions? Katie McElhinney or whatever your name is has been waiting. So I'm going to ask the Gary Behe question. I've got a question for you and the boys. If you could live in any other time period, when would it be? Pick a decade or era. Personally, I'd go for the Tudor times. Something about the boobs and those dresses

and the crotch-less bloomers. I'd spend a lot of time in dark clothes. That doesn't make any sense. Does she know she could just wear them now? I think it's on other people. Oh. Love the pod. Making me laugh.

So basically, if you go back to any decade or era, where would you go and why? I mean, you're going gonna have trouble enjoying those you know voluptuous tudor breasts in with your 41 year life expectancy and also that's like if you're a lot depends on being a member of the court but if you're just one of these people who's got cholera and is busy like vomiting poo all the time oh this is not actually what i asked for i should have specified a high ranking member of tudor society this is absolutely backfired on me i hate having cholera um it does say if you could not have cholera would you not i think it would be very beneficial to me to go back just like even 30 years maybe like so just before i was born

because i think a lot of my opinions i've got some progressive opinions but some are considered a little bit regressive yeah but if you take me back 30 years i am the most progressive man on the planet at the time you know you can all marry each other and you're all welcome that's nice you would have been a real lefty wouldn't you yeah yeah like 85 yeah do you know what's interesting is that pretty patel's dad ran for ukip so like to her parents she's like this real renegade lefty who kind of oh pretty's a hippie joining the tories like fucking kids you know she'll grow out of it she'll you know she'll join you kip like a good old dad um yeah um okay yeah that's a good shout so 30 years ago gets you to 1990 1990 a boom years yeah yeah yeah yeah do you want several credit cards and a mortgage

yep you want a home that won't destroy you yep uh yeah perfect. Perfect. 85, show me to 85. Got a five year run up at the 90s. I wouldn't enjoy the football too much. I don't think I wouldn't want to relive that. No, but I could become manager of Liverpool football club and change the way the clubs run and like get rid of United's success of the 90s. Okay.

Well, I hadn't, I hadn't factored that in. That's stupid of me. But now you've put it like that. You know. You're not going back with superpowers. You're just going to a different day.

No, but I know modern football tactics from now, don't I? How are you getting the fucking job? What? I'll just go in with a presentation about gegenpressing. I'll take some videos with me at Klopp's Liverpool. We'll be like, I'm not doing this. Oh, yeah, like the Alnamac from Back to the Future. You've just got a couple of video cassettes of 1920 Liverpool.

You're going in there like, right, Tony, yeah, stop boozing. It's obviously shit for you. Everybody needs to do more running. And, like, we're going to do a thing called a rondo, okay? We'll get in a circle and pass it, and then some maniac's going to try and tackle you, right? Yeah, stop, put that beer down. Okay, great.

Yeah, this is good. I think, like, you know, if we look at the way that things progress, then I would easily have as much. I reckon I'm as good a football manager as Neil Warnock. There's no way I could be worse. Like, I know less than him. I couldn't possibly know less than him. Do you reckon?

No, not really. It felt like you were going to pressure the point and i wanted to bail out of it but no no it's just a joke for the podcast but um but you probably do you probably are a better football manager than the average manager of the 80s yeah you could probably go back then with your knowledge of modern football are you saying saying I'm a better manager than Bill Shankly? No. Okay, okay. You said in the 80s, and I'm going quite before the 80s.

He said exactly when it was better. Okay, wait, wait. He didn't say the average manager. The average manager. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, fine. You call him Bill Shankly, an average manager, because that sounds like what you just said.

It's weird, isn't it? Because, like, you know, they always have these debates about, like, would X football team from today be X football team from the 90s like who's the better is it man united treble winners would they be you know man united treble winners wouldn't be like today's tottenham no like they're just not in the same physical condition and their tactics are 20 years behind they would get they'd get hammered like nine times out of ten it would just be a fucking bloodbath. But that's like,

cause like sprinters are faster now than they were. People are running minute mark or, you know, like how low down the current football pyramid do you think could be Liverpool's 77 champions league winning team? European cup winning team. 77. Like, I think wolves would turn them over.

Yeah. But do you think like, when he goes, he's left, doesn't he? Imagine a diamond. Do you think like, I don't know. Plymouth would beat them. Like Yeah. No, but do you think like... When he's left, doesn't he? Imagine Adama Traore against... But do you think like Plymouth would beat them? Like today's like...

I don't know. That's really interesting. I think maybe like... Do you think like Total Network Solutions from the Northern Welsh Premier League? Probably not. No, no. I don't think Total Networks...

Haven't they renamed themselves? Yeah. It's still TNS though. Yeah. Yeah. Total New Saints. The New Saints. Oh, that makes more sense. Well done, then. themselves yeah it's still tns though yeah yeah like total new saints the new saint oh that makes more sense well done then um i quite like total new saints it sounds like a kind of porn magazine who's for people whose fetish is

saints um here we've got john paul i II in a bikini. Imagine like Jan Mulby versus like N'Golo Kante. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It wouldn't even be fair, would it? No, you'd have people, you know, you'd have people coming on with stretchers and then if they're carrying off Jan Mulby, struggling to hold the stretcher. Just play it out on them.

Like a horse, something a little emotional, just play it out on them just put a thing around them shoot them in the ass yeah I'm going back to the mid 80s I reckon that's where I'd thrive alright as a comic definitely as a comic

right okay you gonna wear a condom what wear a condom going back there yeah good

just checking care about you checking care about you yeah care about you I'd like to go back to I'd like to be 20 in 2002

I think why it's a bit easier to get on TV I think that wasn't that far away was it you must be like 20

no in 2002 I would have been 14 alright okay 6 years difference no also I'd quite like to go back to the that wasn't that far away was it you must be like 20 no in 2002 i would have been uh 14 all right okay six years difference uh no i i also i'd quite like to go back to the um uh i think the 50s would probably be quite good i'd like because if i could get if i could become 20 in 1960 i've chosen it fuck yeah fuck fuck fuck fuck i've done it yeah uh because i could buy a flat in harley street for five grand you would have been an infant child

John on World War II though yeah but I made it fuck everyone else um oh look he's a fucking mum telling me about the sirens again shut up mum I'm listening to the Beatles um oh I don't like the Beatles you wouldn't bitch uh I'm a very aggressive child in the 60s for some reason is this still your mom as well no it's not no it's not my mom it's a it's a bad mom um in the uh in the in the 60s because she's quite because my dad's dead from war um and it wasn't even like a nobody he was actually an raf um pilot who went to go and save people at dunkirk and then he got plane got shot. He didn't die in the plane getting shot. He was ejected and he landed on the beach and went,

oh, I've just been trying to save you all, but I got shot down by the Luftwaffe. And then everybody went, fuck you. Because, you know, everybody on the beach hated the RAF because they weren't plentiful enough in amount, I believe, as it was put on the front lines. And they would push them off the boats, the RAF. So my dad was pushed off the boat and let to drown in the sea.

And, you know, if he was as fit as David Walliams, he would have just swam it, wouldn't he? But he was weak, so he died. So why are you going back to the 60s? To listen to the Beatles. I just got taken away in my fictitious dad's death fantasy. And I think my mum's got like a different name and a different sort of vibe to her.

She's probably like, she would have been a nurse. I'm one of the land girls during the war. As my old pop used to say, they would have fine bunched the land girls. What's a land girl? The land girls were people who took the vacated, yeah, they weren't amphibious that's for damn sure um the amphibious girls were something quite different i believe there's a um a del toro

film about it um uh is that the one that won the oscar where she falls in love with the fish anyway um imagine pitching that he are falling over the fish and then try and fuck it anyway can i have an oscar please no now now in the pitch got an idea for film and i believe this is where you pick up oscars that's it also i'd go back to the 60s and pitch all my least favorite films what's a land girl oh sorry um you are the most, like, you tangent insane. He's had 70 in Modafinil and a can of Sneak. Leave the man alone. I've actually got adult ADHD. So has he.

People with adult ADHD always tweet about it with such focus. One of my new jokes. It's quite short form. It doesn't really fit my style anyway the land girls took vacated jobs jobs men vacated

in the second world war oh okay and were girls of the land players plumbers farmers I mean surely they were

elders surely they were called other things as well yeah fortune 500 CEOs in the United States in well yeah fortune 500 ceos in america fortune 500 they really were i'll do that they would have fine bunched those land girls so you're going back to the 60s specifically listen to the beatles yeah and all the other good stuff and then when I'm 30 I'm a little bit more mature I can do my Joni Mitchell my

my my Neil Young my my Tom Waits my Bruce Springsteen and I get to see them you know I would be

but also yeah yeah it'd be pretty great wouldn't it and also you know Liverpool pretty dominant house prices are fucking low

fashion's cool it doesn't quite feel like kind of capitalism has pervaded the psyche of the populace in quite the same way it has you don't have social media so nobody's like sort of like glaringly and like unrelentingly mentally ill um you know children aren't addicted to porn it's great time any any more questions i always get a bit too serious on the questions I've got a few have a word

bad habits and one of them is taking the questions too seriously go on this is from Gary Beaky Gary Beaky

Gary Beaky loves a fucking Gary and a bee I'm going to 2000 Trees Festival next month and was proper buzzing when they announced Gary Beaky. Gary Beaky. He loves a fucking Gary M. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a B. Eh? I'm going to 2000 Trees Festival next month and was proper buzzing when they announced

the comedy stage. They've got Dan headlining with former Hathaway guests Mark Nelson, Dean Coughlin, Vittorio Angeloni and Lauren Patterson as well as Dan Tiernan,

Molly McGinnis and Mick Ferry. All of which I've discovered via the pod. Are there any real difficulties with performing at festivals compared to a club? Yes.

Do you tend to stick around and enjoy the party? Do you have any funny stories from performing at music festivals over the years? Have you performed at so many music festivals? What ones have you done?

Latitude Festival. Uh-huh. Platitude Festival. I was over the moon to be there. Fucking hell. That was was good that one um sonosphere so really i've operated at both ends of the festival spectrum as it were sonosphere i was on at the same time as mastodon and i spent my whole set sat down saying what are you doing here the best band at this awful festival is on right now as we speak and you're watching me there is no good reason to be here

and a few people went oh mastodon shit and uh and then uh yeah the silence fear was um uh was good fun latitude festival I've done many many many more times and, you know, it's all right. It's a bit shit doing, when you do a club gig, it differs from a show gig as I'm sure everybody will be aware in that,

like, you know, you're doing Hot Water Comedy Club on a Saturday night. The mentality is very much you've got to put your foot on their throat

and not take it off and if you do, then the, you know, I don't know what the collective noun for a group of, you know, scouse hens who are high on coke is, but that.

A trouble of scouse hens on coke. And you've got to maintain that. It's weird. It's almost like it's a step beyond a festival gig. Do you find that? Because you've got to not only put your foot on their throat, but almost get them down in the first place to have their throat trod on he's quite violent so i've only ever done two music festivals now i know that i i can totally understand the difficulties

just through context and experience of all the stuff of how bad they would always be so the two i've done one of them was liverpool sound city and the comedy tent was 50 yards away from the main stage and they didn't stagger so the cribs were on whilst we were doing stand up to a literally empty tent there was like one or two people who were off the face on drugs who wanted to get shells from the rain because they couldn't concentrate on the songs anymore the other one i did was download festival now download festival the time i did it and i was on right before someone maybe like cunt and the gang who are like a famous comedy download band whatever yeah so the tent was full when i went on and i loved it because they were all there and they were like we're here for comedy

we know it's coming up in a minute and we'll watch this guy first and it was fine um it's not ideal because in general like the things you're talking about is people are going to a music festival for music the the cabaret tent or whatever they call it the comedy tent the alternative stage oh i'm lying i've also done kendall corlin but i was on in the the late tent once the music had stopped it was like the little after hours that is the best environment for having done uh it and i think some festival i mean latitude festival umitude Festival is much better for that because it's so spread out and it has lots of different things going on. Although they do place the comedy stage quite close to the main stage.

So you do tend to sometimes kind of mash up with George Ezra. And, you know, we have quite um fan bases in that mine are much older than seven years old uh and uh so honestly isle of wight i had to kind of do i almost started to kind of mc my set because it was over the top of rob de bank uh happening so loudly so yeah it it's it's a real it's a real problem but if you get people coming in and you create an environment, you can have like- Where did you learn to do your greatest hits in a fucking helicopter?

I think you'd turn around and say, thank you for saying greatest hits. Do you have any funny festival stories as a punter? I've never been to one. We're going to our first music festival where I'm stories as a punter? I've never been to one. We're going to our first music festival where I'm going as a punter in... Where are you going? We're going to Leeds because of the Arctic Monkeys.

Arctic Monkeys are on. I went to Latitude Festival. Platitude Festival. Couldn't believe my luck. And I was... I got drunk and then had some weed and the weed was laced with another more significant drug and i was um i don't know what it was i never found out um i downed a bottle of red wine because i was so energized and then told the head operator of the arcola theater

that i thought philip ridley was shit as a playwright who is shit but he didn't like it because he Philip's actually a patron sorry Philip Philip Ridley yeah such overwritten bullshit my pussy is like a ravine

and your cock is a nuclear bomb fucking just write something you idiot you get drunk so different to Adam by the way yes I don't get sleepy

when we're out and about and he's going there's some fans over there they want to have a nice time let's dance to the song again anyway um i i was sharing a tent with my friend henry and I woke up in the middle of the night next to him in the quite small and humid tent, and I just sort of felt like shit, like rumble in my stomach. And I didn't realise what the rumble was. It was not just kind of a rumbling, bubbling, like something happening. It was actually a movement, a journey that the ship was on out of my arsehole and um and i farted a little wet fart and i went i think it's going to get

worse and then i evacuated a cow pat like a full adult cow sized cow pat and then i had to with henry next to me sleeping in the In the tent? In the tent. I had to pull my shitted sleeping bag down, and because I couldn't quite, I was still drunk and high, I pulled the shitted sleeping bag down, so I was sort of smearing. Turns out we don't get drunk that differently. Smearing the poo down my thigh,

and then I rolled up the sleeping bag and threw it out the tent, and then I realised I'd got on my sleeping mat, I'd got like a daubs of poo as well and i had shit all over my hands um then i tried to open the tent but my hand went on the gauze uh like a mesh bit of the of the tent i had to take all of my stuff to the bin um but also lean over henry who was the only one who thought to buy wet wipes take his wet wipes like dangling over him my shitted body looming over his

sleeping frame and then put my head like my legs over my head wipe my own arsehole but like on a level

with my wiping it like that because my legs were so far back thinking if he wakes up now he sees me wiping my arsehole but like

on an eye level with my arsehole like I wanna like I sees me wiping my arsehole but like on an eye level with my arsehole like i'm angry with my arsehole you don't do this again okay like this was naughty arsehole like wiping towards my own face legs are in my head wiping towards my face throwing each hanky out of the tent and uh and then really nice guy who would help to set up our tent who sits on a little tower above saw me walking in my boxer shorts towards the uh um towards the uh he was giving us loads of stuff like oh yeah loads of girls here at this festival man yeah you're gonna have a great time at this festival oh man yeah girls down there are really hot ones yeah yeah um so i was walking to the bathrooms in my boxer shorts holding my sleeping mat and my sleeping bag ready to stuff

them into the bin and he went down for me saying all right mate good night and i went no no no i shat myself um and uh and then um we went back and uh and i got in the tent. I slept underneath my clothes, free of poo. And I thought I could keep it a secret from Henry. I just didn't tell him what happened. I thought, I need to go. My sleeping bag's got holes and it's wet, which I need. Shit, I threw it away. I need to buy a new one anyway.

And he went, oh, okay. And then when we woke up in the morning, I went, Alf, what's this? What's this? And there was a poo handprint on the gauze mesh of the tent like you know the bit in titanic when they're fucking in the carriage it's just a poo handprint down the way and i went oh yeah i shat myself and then the next night there was a really fit finnish singer who was on the main stage i was trying to flirt with her but we were really like close to my tent and henry was mentioning the main stage. I was trying to flirt with her, but we were really close to my tent.

And Henry was mentioning the story because he found it so funny. Of course! Yeah, of course, but... Anyway, Jamie Dornan was there as well, so I didn't have a chance. And Jamie Dornan was really, really sweet and told me about a story that he'd shat himself,

and I felt a lot better. The end. Good story. Thanks. Oh, thanks. end good story thanks um we're not going to follow that uh so let's have another little break another little advert and we are going to get uh have a word hall of famer actually uh thomas green he uh very popular first episode it's quite cool to be a one-time hall of famer isn't it yes that's that's a real impact you've had there. He also did the live

show. He did the thank you show that we did. So he's done that, he's done this, and he's also, you know, if you've seen me on tour this year, high likelihood you've also seen Thomas. He's done a lot of the support slots. We'll be back in a moment. Au revoir. Bye. Hit the button, Johnny. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? It's Adam here. I'm here

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And look, if you don't like the clothes they send you, you can send them back. You don't pay for them. It's as simple as that. Let's get back to the pod. Welcome back to part three. Dan is obviously away this week hence our fabulous co-host alfie brown and this is uh quite a unique episode of the podcast because

i've got many people i consider close friends especially within the world of comedy alfie i consider probably one of my most intelligent and certainly most well-read uh friends and without any shadow of a doubt thomas green is the stupidest you gotta press the button thomas green is here what an intro and here is damn cat the other day i said to you do you know who ronnie o'sullivan is your reply was is that the cabbage one? Okay. What you meant was, is he one of... And he wasn't being ableist either. It was genuinely vegetable-related.

Yeah, well, no, I would assume. I would never... I'm a good character of Thomas Green. What he meant was, is he one of the two Ronnies? Because he was getting the cabbages confused with four candles. Well, that's not okay. It's not okay. No, no, no, no cabbages confused with four candles. Well, that's not okay. It's not okay.

No, no, no, no, no. Not the four candles. The one when they're in there. It's the modern version of four candles. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, okay. All right.

And we then managed to convince Thomas that Ronnie O'Sullivan invented the helicopter. All right. Were you hired by that? Yeah. Snooker's a game of angles, isn't it? That's it. You're just always one step away from inventing a new mode of transport. Snooker's a game of angles, isn't it?

So, you know. Helicopters. Helicopters, yeah. That's a different RAF advert, isn't it? If you can pop the brown, you can... I mean, that's about 1.16, that. You know, I'm just getting some memories of some Leonardo da Vinci sketches I once saw.

You know, crazy idea for Flight Without Wings. Anyway, 1.47, in fact. Thomas has been supporting me for the majority of my tour, which ends tomorrow. And I'm telling you what, I'm excited to film these last two shows, and I'm also excited to have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off.

We're done. It's going to be great. Thomas has been the tour support for most of the shows. He's missed a couple. We play a game with Thomas. Yep. Whenever he meets up with me, or me and Carl, as Carl's been on a lot of the tour as well, as tour manager, we play a game called How Long Will It Take Thomas to Say Something Stupid?

I never knew this about you. You know what? I kind of liked that. We've been abroad together. We've gigged together several times. It's like stupidity is never... it's not one of the character assets, or maybe asset is the wrong word. What's the answer then?

I mean, you wouldn't know you're stupid, but... Fucking hell. Like, it's not something you play on in comedy, but it is apparent, it's real. Yeah, well, it's more like I'll say something and I haven't thought it through our feet. Okay, like ditzy or ditzy. I've never thought of it as that way.

It's like if a human had done Freaky Friday with a Labrador. Like a six-month-old Labrador. Jeff Goldblum gets in the time machine with a Labrador. Jeff Goldblum gets in the time machine with a Labrador. No but like I'm easily

like excited like about stuff and like these guys like one day they were like oh we were in Nottingham we were going

somewhere up north further north and yeah you said on the way oh on the way we'll stop at the No so what we said

was we were gauging the time of the journey and he went oh we need to get there quick how about we are stopping at the trampoline, so what we said was, we were gauging the time of the journey. And he went, oh, we need to get there quick. How about we are stopping at the trampoline park? And he was like, fuck off! Trampolining today?

I was so excited. Why would you make up a trampoline park? That's such a fucking cool thing to do on the way to a gig. My favourite one that I have told everyone is the very first night of my tour was in Nottingham and Thomas was the opening act, but he wasn't opening the very next night in Birmingham. I had someone else doing that.

He had to go to a stag do, right? And it was when Storm Eunice was about, that middle of February. Yes, that big bitch. Turn around, you big bitch saying it to the song go on so I

we sat in a pub after the first night of the tour just enjoying a first night of the tour pint and I said I don't know I'm going to get to Birmingham tomorrow because I haven't got my car with me

and you know the trains are all off and he said well why don't you just go to East Midlands Airport and fly to Birmingham? I said, what, you're in Storm Eunice on that? Storm Eunice?

Storm Eunice. He was going to Scotland. It's gone in my head. He said, yeah. He said, you should just go to East Midlands Airport and fly. And I was like, well, there's several reasons for that, Thomas. First of all, there's not a regular Nottingham to Birmingham flight schedule. And secondly, the storm will affect air travel as well.

And what was your suggestion of why it would work? Because... And this wasn't a joke. This is very important. It's only funny if he was being serious. I said you could just fly above it. Go above the storm. Space travel.

Look, that makes sense. That's what pilots do when they... That's, you know, that's what they do. They fly higher. If there's weather, they fly above the weather. Yeah, but it's a 40 mile journey. Well, I do appreciate that that is the flaw in the logic. I'm trying to be, you know, like good here. 40,000 feet.

We've missed Nottingham. We're in Belgium. Yeah, you do. If you're flying in Tahiti, you do start your descent like in france like a nottingham to birmingham flight like if i could spit from one place to the other like nothing people do like also where what's the birmingham airport i don't even know but birmingham international like eat like people who fly abroad from Birmingham would go to

East Midlands Airport to fly some places like it's it's also like Nottingham is the Midlands it's North Midlands and so is Birmingham

but it's got that slightly tweaked sort of Midlands it doesn't know they're very interesting people in Nottingham that fucking

daft fucking accent where they can't decide I lived there for five years they're an interesting people in Nottingham. That fucking daft fucking accent where they can't decide whether they're... I lived there for five years. They're an interesting folk. Are we? Yeah. Have they got like a personal... Because this is very ignorant

and I know we've got a lot of fans in Nottingham. Shout out to the Nottingham people. Have they got like an identity? Because this is a very scouse thing. I just assume Liverpool's got an identity, Glasgow, Newcastle have and everyone else is just the same. Oh, they're obsessed with Robin Hood.

Like majorly yeah like violence Robert Wood that's what it felt like on the streets walking through Birmingham is violence by arrow

yeah that's a bit it's a lot of bows in Nottingham you're walking Duff Noonan fucking straight thin arrow nearly took my ear off

your nana hey up Ducker you alright did you ever do archery while you were there is it like a big thing in Nottingham no no I never my ear off, you nana. Hey, up, ducky, you're up. Did you ever do archery while you were there? Is it like a big thing in Nottingham?

No, no, I never did archery. That's a good point. They should actually like launch a squad. I reckon that'd be alright. Do you reckon it'd be

in their blood? Yeah. It's like, you know, like Pamplona has the bull run. Like, Nottingham has like

an archery weekend. Go and do the archery weekend. It's like, oh, we're going to Nottingham for the archery weekend. I thought you meant, Nottingham has, like, an archery weekend. Go and do the archery weekend. It's like, oh, we're going to Nottingham for the archery weekend. I thought you meant the Nottingham marathon was them running away from someone with arrows. Fucking firing them off. Fucking, you know, Elliot Kipchoge

doesn't think he beat his last time. Yeah, you fucking can, mate. Off you trot, Elliot. You're fucking, you silly wally. Get away from me, Elliot. Fucking firing arrows at you. You're forcing me to break fucking two hours, you fucking silly nana.

Nana again. You didn't want a second one, did you? I've seen you go, don't say nana. Nana. Oh, fuck, I said the one thing I didn't want to say. Nana's actually a type of kick in AFL. Oh, yeah? You kick a nana Oh is that

Go up high in the air To be For somebody to run onto And catch No it's the type of Like when you snap kick Do you know what I mean And the ball spins

And it's yellow And they call it Because it's spinning And looking like a curve They call it a nana AFL is Aussie rules football Yeah It's the difference between

AFL and rugby Because in rugby You have a kick called A Gary Owen Oh really And that's where That is what the kick rugby because in rugby you have a kick called a Gary Owen oh really and that's where that is what the kick I just described

where you kick it up in the air for somebody to run onto look I'm going to be honest I'm a bit scared to agree like as in acknowledge that that's truth

because I've had Carl and Adam for the last four months convincing me some weird shit it was the voice of Ash Ketchum yeah we convinced him

yesterday that Damien Lewis from Billions and Homeland and other things. Is it Damien Lewis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is the voice of Ash from Pokemon. And he got so excited and Googled it. I thought. I hate that, because I would believe that.

I wouldn't believe that, but I would believe like, but I would believe it. Because I just assume that people are basically good by nature. Yeah. So if somebody goes like, but I would believe it. Because I just assume that people are basically good by nature. So if somebody goes like, you know, kneecaps are actually kind of like related in terms of their genetic makeup to like tangerines. I'm like, oh, really? Why would you have made that up?

What could possibly be in it for you? Like, I just believe it. It's making him laugh. Making each other laugh. That's what's in it for me. It's me and him dropping Thomas off and being like, he thinks kneecaps are made of tangerines that's all it is most of my life which is why most of my adult life since we become really close like sort of 16 17 years of age has been how can i make car

laugh by winding everyone else around us up and that is essentially what this podcast has become we convinced dan last week that I'm writing a novel based on my life about the first the world's youngest billionaire called John Arbuckle who lives in Brooklyn in New York the combination of that that intent

it's all based on me Dan he's the world's youngest billionaire because he won money on the Kentucky Derby and invested it wisely we're very good at lying together yeah that's the world's youngest billionaire because he won money on the kentucky derby and invested it wisely we're very good at lying together yeah that's why it's unfair i've spent most of my life trusting people yeah if he lies i know he's lying and i know to make the run you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah whether dwight york and andy cole of yeah yeah my friend who you know um so you know what he looks like and why this is so funny once convinced our friend henry that he was actually a very high level and uh in his early 20s professional ballerina

you've met us yeah yeah of course oh he's not he's not a ballerina he's um he's he's got a robust frame uh and um and it has a kind of a broiling kind of alpha male masculinity that it when contrasted with the art of ballet uh seems incongruous and therefore is funny um it doesn't it's not so funny when you explain it uh anyway um so you you get uh you get a lot of this shit on the roads yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hid behind the door last night and you nearly done a poo. Yeah, but... He's very easily excitable and also easily scared. Scared.

So jumping out on Thomas and filming it has been quite fun. Mate, I feel so... He's like a little puppy who we, like, beat up. Don't call the horse halfway through, you know, an analogy there. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. But he did, he was behind the door in the green room.

And he just stepped out. And you already skimmed. Thomas threw an open bottle of water at him. At a velocity that was, there's not a single, like a speed camera would have been like, we don't know how fast that was. Because, and it went, I hadn't been on yet. It soaked me all over me. He went, oh fuck!

Like launched it. I've never seen anyone panic like that. All I did was, I just went, hello. The subtleness of the scare. It was no rah, it was just, hello. From the corner. And the other day you said it, scare it was no right it was just hello from the corner and the other day you said it was fucking gross yeah yeah he's ready he's like a he's like a little puppy i would be i would shit myself if you did that i would absolutely i mean it's my oh my god it's so my dad was once the pianist on the um on the tour uh harry hill's tour upset me nasty bitch

fine what does that do it just means hard left oh it's the same same theme yeah but it didn't seem like so it doesn't seem like we'll wait till press order exclamation exclamation exclamation till you know how appropriate what i'm saying is. My dad was, I've not just got bored of what we were talking about. But that's what he does. My dad was a pianist, I know. So what do you think of that, Len? He's fucking mad. I think I've never podcasted before.

But that's what he does. He goes, yeah, I'm bored of that now. Honestly. Dan can see it in my eyes when I'm doing it. Dan will just be telling a story of his weekend and I'm just watching episodes three of season seven of Friends in my head waiting for him to finish his story so that I can say the thing that I'm excited about.

And he sees me go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was one of the pianists. Fucking hell. Sorry. Tell us about your father anyway the people who played the badgers in harry hill stage show the person rather was called dave thompson really good comedian uh very good one lineup uh and and other other comedian of other sorts anyway they used to do this to him when they were on tour like my dad and the drummer mark would like go into his dressing room before he got in there, hide behind the shower curtain, and wait there, like, for 20 minutes, knowing that if, like, the longer that they were there, they could open it. And then, like, when they opened the shower curtain, he'd, like, be naked. And then they'd get a fright.

And it completely back... Anyway, so that's a little trick if you want to... Get your buckles. That was thematically appropriate. Just get naked. Jesus Christ. Anyway, what do you want to get your back that was thematically appropriate just get naked jesus christ anyway what do you want to talk about oh that i've noticed about adam on the tour oh i've noticed that you're you're like if i'm a lab you said i was a lab right right? Because they're playful.

Yeah. Just naive. Labs aren't naive. They're very whimsical and stupid. No, do you know what? You're not a Labrador. Labrador's the wrong one. Do you know what you are?

What's that? A Pomeranian. Oh, they're yappy. They're yappy and they're just like wondering about life. They don't really know what's going on. They're just like, fucking hell, the lights are big. I'm happy. I'm just a little fucking hell, the lights are big. I'm happy. I'm just a little fucking bouncing around Pomeranian.

Fuck a stack. Fuck off. Like they're just happy. And to be fair, Carl does carry me everywhere. Yeah. Exactly. A little cute little handbag. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come here. Adam would be a mother. You're the mother hen. I've realized like. What? He's proper mother hen, bro. Are you joking? You're going to have to explain that one

Okay so Like Extracurricular to The stand up side of stuff He's a bro Like if you've got shit going on He'll talk to you and stuff But also

I've noticed like For example yesterday We were getting ready And he has to make sure That everyone else is getting ready Before he can start getting ready That's not him mothering you, though. No, it is.

You don't understand what motherhood means. Do you remember yesterday? I need to, like, you're very similar to this, actually. And that's why, you know when we're in a twin room together and we're both looking at each other and you're going, you're going first. And then I'm going, no, you're going first. We have that argument every time it's just us two in a twin room,

is I want him to go first and he wants me to go first in the shower by the way not anything else to get in the shower yeah yeah yeah what he means is i need so you know the way you accuse me of being like late or whatever every time yeah we and but so are you as well right for what for anything you can be you can do exactly what i do and be like oh let's make it two o'clock or whatever right right but what once you've decided what time you want to go that's what time we're going do you know what i mean yeah right so your way of making sure that happens is getting me to get ready first because you don't trust me to stick to your schedule on a rush you trust yourself to do it and i'm exactly the same yeah and that's

what he means by mother yeah yeah yeah do what do what i make sure everyone else is ready and then i can rush to get ready and we can go on my time that i want to go and like yes he's like go in the shower now while i'm having a shower all right i was like all right go in the shower now while i'm having a shower no he's got two showers right fair enough i also did say, I also, it blew my mind that we could have a shower in two different showers at the same time. Okay. One of them would be quite redundant, wouldn't it, if you couldn't do that? Yeah. No, but he said I was an idiot.

But my point is, is like when you turn the tap on the kitchen, you lose the heat in the shower, right? Yeah, that can happen if you've got the same boiler and heating system for both pipes, yeah. Yeah. Come. How do I know? This is my point. You make me look like an idiot. How do I know what boiler

and heating system you had? Okay, do you know what? I'll give you that. I got one back. I got one back. We'll call that 73-1. Okay, so if he's Mother Hen, you're a Pomeranian. What's offie?

An owl. Just a wise old owl. Knows what he thinks. Says stuff when he wants to say it and just doesn't say it. He's an owl. Not perched on a branch. On a fucking thesaurus. You've got good words, bro.

Thanks, man. You're the logo of is it collins yeah uh i also um murdered kathleen if uh many of the conspiracy theories are to be believed now there you go now you can have one okay because now we're talking about the staircase you didn't see that going did you no um yeah yeah yeah the owl theory about the staircase. You didn't see that coming, did you? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. The owl theory and the staircase, yeah. Anyway, yeah, no, I'd take an owl. I'd like an owl. I mean, yeah.

Have a word's different for you, isn't it, as a concept? It's you going, have a word, mate. You're fucking throwing them out. You've got loads of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the success of Trump is based on the fact that he only uses about 150 words, like maximum. That's why he's such a good and effective communicator

with the kind of lowest common denominator, is that there's absolutely no guessing what he means. You know what he means. Yeah, because he's just like, wrong. You're like, what do you mean? Because if you learn a language, you can pretty much be fluent within a thousand words. You memorize a thousand words in the conjugations,

like, you know, I eat the apple, I have eaten the apple, I will eat the apple. You can learn a a thousand words in the conjugations like you know i eat the apple i have eaten the apple i will eat the apple you can learn a language learn all those conjugations and then learn a thousand words you can basically piece together any sentence and communicate anything any feeling or vibe but there are like a hundred thousand in you know spanish 110 000 in british but if you can only use like you know a hundred or a thousand or however few is it uh donald trump uses you can be an exceptionally effective communicator. So basically what I'm saying is thank you very much for the compliment. But it's also why I can't play the Glasgow stand. I shouldn't have said the Glasgow stand.

I love the Glasgow stand and I can play it. I am good enough. They just won't book me because I shouldn't have said the Glasgow Standard I love the Glasgow Standard I can play it and I am good enough they just won't book me because I don't live in Scotland anyway shut up they won't book me I have to book the venue

I have to book the venue out sell it out we're unionising yeah we're unionising don't book us then but can we hire the venue yeah okay here's some people

um cool what have you been up to today because I I knew yesterday so i i've got to know you pretty well you've stayed in my flat quite a lot yeah over the past few months and what you do is the day before of a night you are you're sort of like me in a way where you're like do you know what tomorrow we're gonna get up and get the day started that's what we're gonna do

we're gonna we're gonna get up mornings are hype mornings yeah but overnight you forget that what the morning's like yeah so yesterday thomas was like do you know what even though i'm not on until the second because he stayed in mind last night he's like even though i'm not on until the second half i think i might just come with you and sit in the cafe and do some work and i was like okay thomas and then this morning i woke him up when carl arrived because i had to load me car full of a PA system. And he walked into the living room and had a full conversation with me and Carl without once opening his right eye.

Oh, yeah, that was weird, wasn't it? I noticed that. He was like, yeah, I might get a couple more hours of sleep. And I nearly pulled you up at the time, and I was like, no, wait till 2pm. My eye didn't open. Did it not open? No.

No, you were literally just like, all right, so, I'm going to have a faggot in front of my eyes. You had a hat and underwear on. Yeah, you had a hat and underwear and nothing else. I've never seen that combination of clothing before either. Who goes underwear? Oh, T-shirt next absolutely not hat

no socks but don't you it was that something you made up for the podcast that you dress from the top down yeah you got i'll be i refuse to be held accountable to anything i've said on all 300 episodes of halfway i'm amazed that you still have anything i mean it's you're you're a remarkable man and i adore you um what i used to do uh is take a when i got prescribed ritalin for my adult adhd um was i used to take a little i used to set an alarm for 5 a.m take a modaf take a modafin take a ritalin and then go back to sleep and it takes about an hour for it to kick in but then you'd wake up at like 6 15 and go yeah and like yeah fly out of bed and go right who's coming with me where are we going fuck off then don't don't come that sounds amazing it's it's such it's i mean you know

slow release speed is a treat look Look, I'll be honest. When I'm half asleep, I'm not really – I mean, if my eye's not fucking opening, I'm not going to know what I should be wearing. Do you know what I mean? But I realised yesterday, and this is backing up what you've just said, I realised yesterday Adam was obviously – he went shopping, looking at stuff for what he's going to have for the special and that. And I suggested a pair of trainers to go with

the jacket he got and he sort of just tapped me on the shoulder and was like okay no he said that i appreciate your importance i appreciate you when adam's talking that politely you know you're fucking wrong and um Politely, you know you're fucking wrong. And then I thought to myself, I was like, yeah, in terms of like dress sense and stuff, like you guys have got your matching things and that. And I guess I've never really had a proper understanding on dress sense in a sense because I realised, you know,

I was married back in the day. I realised You know I was married Back in the day I got married Suit And thongs What? Suit and thongs?

Yeah I did They don't go together you know You want a suit And a thong No Flip flops Flip flops I didn't get married in a G-Banger

I mean I was wearing flip flops With a suit You call flip flops Thongs didn't get married in a G-banger. I mean, I was wearing flip flops with a suit. You call flip flops thongs? Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah. Right, okay.

Okay. Or you thought I had a suit with thongs on top. I thought you were wearing a thong. I thought this was one of the cult things. I thought they were like, no, Thomas, this is the wedding underwear. And you know, yeah. You know, Cisco, the singer, was actually Australian. And that song's a lot tamer than you think it is.

That's very good. Let me see those thongs. I love it when our feet go flick, clack, clack. Oh, baby. Those thongs, thongs, thongs, thongs. We sang that in church. Yes. Yeah.

That's a real. You wore flip-flops on your wedding day. Yeah, yeah. So I had, the groomsmen all had black flip-flops on, and I had white flip-flops. We were all in suits. Which I look back on it now, and I realize that was a mistake. I would have, you know, if you'd have told me that

and I was one of your groomsmen, I wouldn't have come to the wedding. Yeah. You know, he didn't go to Paul's because he gave him horrible actual shoes. Yeah. The shoes Paul Smith got his groomsmen for his recent wedding. And bear in mind, he got himself a pair of like five, whatever,

1,000, I don't know how much they were. They were a million, billion pounds. Gucci shoes. And we were all wearing six-inch subway shoes. When he dropped them off to you, like a fucking mad cunt come around the corner, Alfie will know you've been in Australia. You know, gum nuts.

I'm afraid they passed me by. I'm afraid when I was in Australia in your beautiful country, I didn't travel down that little avenue of pleasure. You'll have to inform me what gum nuts are. My vocabulary does not extend to gum nuts. Gum nuts and a gum tree. You've got the gum nuts that hang in the tree. Australia is me, believe it. I mean, you. You've got the gum nuts that hang in the tree. Australia is make-believing.

I mean, you know they've got an animal over there called bin chickens. Which sounds so scowls, don't they? Fucking bin chickens. With a stupid beak. Nodding it all, me fucking... It sounds like a euphemism for tits to me. Look at the bin chickens on it.

Amazing how in a couple of episodes you've gone from quinoa to bin chickens. Australia is make-believe. It's a goddamn bin chickens, Gil. Say that last sentence again. In the gum tree, they've got the gum nuts. In the gum, yeah. That's where gum comes from.

Gum boots. Chewing gum. Gum nuts. I think they're trying to do to us what we do to Thomas. No, no, no. But we're big logers. Are we? Yeah, because you know when you're in Australia.

Is this one of them? You know in Australia they have the light switch licking competition, don't they? And everybody, when they're crossing the road, they make the sound of the beeping thing themselves. And in Australia, I'm just making loads of sound. I can't do it because my voice is fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The light switch licking competition. Right, what's gum nuts and what has it got to do with Paul's shoes? The bit that was dangling on top of the shoe just looks like gum nut.

What are six inch subway shoes? Do you know the sandwich shop Subway? Yeah. Imagine if on my wedding day I was like Alfie

I'd love you to be one of my groomsmen and you were like great and then you were like right so what are we wearing and I was like well here's the suit and here's your shoe.

It's made out of party Italian Subway bread. Oh okay okay I thought you meant the shoes that they wore in Subway and I was thinking, well,

the restaurant is really designed so that you don't get to see their feet too often. No, imagine half... Like one of the bread loaves. Okay. I was wearing a pair of Italian herbs and cheese whilst hosting Paul

Smith's wedding. Right. To the point where he put them in, someone said in the Greensman WhatsApp group that was set up months before the wedding, someone was like, I haven't picked my shoes up yet. I still need to do them. And I said, no, you don't.

It'd be much better for you if you fail to pick those shoes up before the wedding and bring some separate shoes. And then I thought about buying myself some non-those shoes until I realized every other groomsman was wearing them, apart from Danny McLaughlin, who flat out refused to wear them. What did he wear? Dunks.

He wore a pair of dunks. Did he? What did Paul say? Paul didn't give a fuck So you could have worn What you wanted I could have worn What I wanted

But then I didn't want To look like the dick Who Should have brought him With you And just changed Halfway through Like a

Like a Like a young woman On a night out Yes Flat shoes in the handbag Did you wear socks With those gum boot things? Yes I did

You did? Okay Why did you wear flip flops On your wedding day Yes, I did. You did? Okay. Why did you wear flip-flops on your wedding day? Because I used to only ever wear flip-flops, and so it felt very me to wear flip-flops. Were you in a church? Huh?

Was it in a church? Yeah, of course, yeah. Wow, that's insane. Adam's on his phone currently. You can just cut this out. I'm just getting the picture up to show Alfie the shoes so that he's got full context of what they look like. I need to show you the poster I designed for you as well. Oh, I'm so proud of you.

I've been trying to learn Photoshop, so I was just experimenting with posters for different comedians, and I... I don't actually have a picture of them. You chose one for me. I mocked up a poster for you. You're more than welcome to use it if you want. Have you ever been a groomsman at a wedding?

Have you ever been involved in a wedding party yeah yeah just recently i was a best man yeah yeah did you do a speech yeah yeah yeah smash it yeah did you feel any sort of pressure being a comic doing a speech because i always think if i ever get married it'll be carl and he's gonna have to do a best man speech in a room that's gonna have quite a lot of comics in yes the. The problem was, is that the father of the bribe went up before me, knew I'm a comic, and he kept making his dad jokes and stuff, like they do,

and then going, oh, well, I've never opened for a comedian. Oh, that sort of stuff. And then there was this expectation in the room, and I was like, but I just, what happened was, because they're but i just what happened was because they're all from a place called thirst in yorkshire and i roasted thirst

and uh for the most part it went well but then there was an old lady who's uh i've lived in in thirst for 80 years it's really lovely she was actually really offended i'd ripped into thirst even i ripped in everyone did you say shut up bitch huh I know I didn't hear her it was after

but no like there is an expectation you'd be funny but I kind of just just talked about him and kept it casual but just roasted where they're all from

do you know what I mean have you ever had to do her at last minute I emceed my friend Luke's wedding yeah yeah I think I because I hadn't prepared anything and it was all I was introducing the speakers At last minute, I emceed my friend Luke's wedding, yeah.

I think I, because I hadn't prepared anything, and it was all, I was introducing the speakers, and then somebody mentioned his grandma, who was called Granny Barbados, who he'd called Granny Barbados to delineate between her and his other grandma, who wasn't from Barbados. So there was Granny, who was just, I mean, I don't know where she was from, but you're not mean, she might have, I mean, I don't know where she was from, but you're not going to say like, you know, Granny Froome. Is Froome a real place?

Is Froome a real place? Froome is in Somerset. Yeah. It's actually a very artsy young town. You know, it's, it's nice. It's where I got my first ever paid gig anyway and yeah I think I said something about Granny Barbados and then and it turned out

oh she was recently dead or died that sounds more sensitive words to use a dead doesn't it and then Luke's father said

yeah if you carry on like this you might end up meeting her and I went okay sorry did you just threaten to kill me yeah if you carry on like this you might end up meeting her and I went okay sorry did you just threaten to kill me

at your son's wedding my Glasmedian nan Annie Glasgow yeah she threatens me at my other nan's

funeral what that's good that's like you know to kill me yeah to kill you

yeah for real so i thought you meant that grandmas threatened each other no when i when i was one of the other grandmas couldn't threaten she was dead she was in the fucking coffin okay she she knocked fucking it wasn't like a joint made a funeral it was like right we're gonna kill you in a minute have you got any last words yeah that bitch over there i've never liked your son. Yeah, nah, it was at the, I was eight years old and my nan, I'm sorry, gran.

Right. Okay. What? What? You were eight years old and your grandmother threatened to kill you at your other grandmother's wedding, funeral. Funeral, yeah. Well, not the wedding, fuck.

I haven't been around that long. Yeah, no, so it was open car. So my nan, sorry, my gran, gran is Funeral. Yeah, well, not the wedding. Fuck, I haven't been around that long. Yeah, no, so it was open card. So my nan, sorry, my gran. Gran is the Aussie one. And nan is the Glasgow one. Where's the funeral taking place? In Adelaide. Yeah.

In a funeral home. Sure, I know that much. Yeah. Okay. And what did we get? Costco, weirdly. There was a sale on. Please sit down on one of the sofas.

We're not buying it. She's just having a rest. She's dead. Quickly. Alfie, I'm losing you, bro. You're joining forces with these two cunts. I can see it, that twinkle in his fucking owl eye She's looking at me going

Woo So we're in the funeral home And so my My gran had died on my 8th birthday She'd carked it About 8pm They didn't tell me then Because it was my birthday

They told me the next morning right Anyway so we're at the funeral A couple weeks later And there I was And it was open casket, first experience with death and I didn't know what to do. So I poked her in the eyeball.

Like I just, you look horrified. I poked her in the eyeball and it was really, really cold. And then I freaked out by the feeling of touching a dead body and started crying. And then my nan had walked into the room and as she walked up i i was crying i looked at her and just innocently as an eight-year-old kid just said oh nanny gran's dead and you're the only gran i've got left and you haven't got long to go and i really instantly

but she didn't like that and she lent down swear to god lent down grabbed me by the earlobe as she tended to do and just went aye and you've not got either longer you've not got longer either boy or

that's what she said to me in my ear yeah and is she still with us no no she's well there you go then I think you had the last laugh there

I had to feel my life out one foot on the coffin I had to feel him on my top. One foot on the coffin. Say it again, bitch! Who's that now, bitch? Boy, you're still here? Oh, that's Welsh. Sorry.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I have to respect her. She's fucking... I think an open casket is such a brutal thing to put an eight-year-old child through, you know? Yeah, but the eye-poking thing was weird. I know that was weird, but I was eight. Yeah, I don't think you can really be held kind of like morally accountable

for poking the eyeball of a dead woman who you presented with, you know, sort of against your will. I mean, she did die on my birthday. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Funny how they didn't tell you that. Like, did she have a nice birthday yesterday?

Yes, thank you. Gran's dead. Life is a roller coaster. Yeah. Enjoy the ups. Here's your fucking down. Also, that other bitch granny's coming as well. Bitch granny's I'm calling up.

Granny bitch. Granny Adelaide and granny bitch. To distinguish between the two. Is granny bitch coming? Yes. Granny bitch was scary. She was class region? She sounds pretty fucking scary.

I remember when I was six, because she used to make the same meals over and over. She'd do like mince and toddies, like mince and potatoes. And on a Wednesday and it was cake with salt, I shit down salt and put carrots

if she was feeling up to it. And then I come home smelling it one day from school and I walked into the corridor and I just was like, oh, I don't want to have this again.

I was like, what's, what's for dinner, nanny? And she was just like, shite on a stick. That's what she'd say. She was. That's what's for dinner nanny and she was just like shite on a stick that's what she'd say she was that's what she's saying she didn't want to get your hands dirty that was her favorite phrase as we granny always used to say hey shite on a stick she did hey there is a tent like i've been with my kids all week alone with them.

How many you got? Four, but I've been alone with three of them. The baby is not mine yet. It'll be mine when it reaches about one. What do you mean? It's not yours yet? No. Like custody?

No, as far as I'm concerned. He's made a deal. Not everything. Not everything I'm saying. Alfie, you know the new one Yeah Where is that one right now Bolton

With the mother With Jessie I'd like to think so Yeah You don't like babies do you No You love having children But you don't like the baby stage

Well I mean yeah You're half right Yeah Awesome I tried to help you there I do I do love every child but there is a thing where you get so tired and you're so

worn down by you know life and everything that you sort of forget to speak to them like they're children and usually you're like oh yeah okay we'll do that that's a good idea thank you so much for that and you just have this quite nice way of speaking that oh that's nice

I've got dinner together Thank you so much for that. And you just have this quite nice way of speaking that, oh, that's nice. And I've got dinner together and Margot like fucking, it's too loud. She hasn't mastered volume yet. Daddy! Shut the fuck, oh my God. And also like, Daddy! Okay, first of all,

you don't have to say Daddy every time you want my attention. Speak in my direction. I'll know it's me that you want. Okay? You don't have to say Daddy every time you want my attention. Speak in my direction. I'll know it's me that you want. Okay? You don't have to say daddy every time. Do you understand that? I'll know.

You're not talking to each other in the same tone that you talk to me. I'll get it. Look at me. Daddy. Or secondly, if you are going to say daddy, like under one second. That's how long the word can last. And actually, but daddy, what's for pudding? I don't fucking know.

Like, what do you want? I don't know. What's for pudding? Dessert. What's for pudding? I was like, I don't fucking know. Like, what do you want? I don't know. What's for pudding? What's for pudding? Dessert. Oh. That was such a weird sentence. Can we just?

I really want to hear the end of your story. It is the end. We can go somewhere else. What did you think he meant when he said pudding out loud? No, I know pudding in my head is like a... Pudding is a type of dessert as a cookie is and a biscuit. I was thinking in my head of a Christmas pudding. Yeah.

I like those ones where it's like the sort of the one with the fruit bun with the icing on top. Yeah. When you said what's for pudding, I thought maybe she's a little kid. She'd said the wrong sentence and you answered it as it was a... Oh, no, no oh no no no no no pudding is also just kind of a broad word there was logic to what i was thinking i feel like carl helped you i was a lot there and you were going to be like i thought it was a marabou i actually think you heard what he said it was like i'm going to run with that that'll do

i think that's what happened i'm gonna be honest i fucking did oh we need a break we need a break we do need a break one more advert hey there you go do that press that button i wonder what it's for i can't wait to find out oh i guess i'll find out right now what's happening ladies and gentlemen it's adam here and we are here to talk about our main sponsor as you all know by now that is manscaped.com the best in men's below the belt grooming they're literally the best grooming products you can get on the market we use them we love them every time they bring new stuff out they send us to them for us to try and we keep selling these products because we genuinely do really believe in them and everyone who's ordered Whitmanscaped because of our podcast has been very very happy with them

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Par 4. It's finally Par 4. It's the last bit. It's question time again. Alfie Brown. Thomas Green. Me's finally Car 4. It's the last bit. It's question time again. Alfie Brown. Thomas Green. Me. Adam Rowe. Carl's over there. Finn's there as well.

Carl? Hello. This is from Glenn. No second name. It's a Would You Rather. Okay. Would you rather be able to see one week into the future at the expense of never being able to wank or shag.

Or every time you wank or shag, you instantly delete the last week from your mind. Well, I've slept with some women who, if I could have deleted the last hour, that would have been quite useful, actually. So you're going with that one? Yeah. I'm confused by the question. Of course you are. That would be the name of your podcast.

That would be the name of your podcast. That would be the name of your podcast. Thomas, you asked it. Right, so you don't get the question. I get the question. I can explain it to you, right? Okay. So you can either choose. You can see into the future a full week of it.

So you can know what's coming you know what's going to happen but you never get to have sex again including with yourself now that's not nothing in the next week's gonna be that good right okay that you can't ever again yeah nah that's it done there what's the other half though i don't get the other so the other half is every time you have sex yeah including with yourself the last week of your memory is wiped both of them are shit yeah that's the point

of the question isn't it if one of them was good it makes it easier if I go to you would you rather have a really nice dinner or you get fucked in your ass with that guitar

it's right oh that's quite easy that Adam I'd like the dinner please we had that issue with the child why are the podcast ratings down they're keeping asking each other really easy questions would you like rather have your

fingernails removed or a bun like what's the a bun is that right um uh so he's gone for delete the last week because he also deletes the lady. Well, I think essentially in both situations, you're not coming. You're either not coming because you're not coming or you're not coming because you can't remember having come. So it's essentially you've not come. So you might as well be able to look at the weekend, put some cracking accumulators on and live the life of luxury, albeit without ever having uh you know

an orgasm i would i would add to this though i would add to this and this is just me extrapolating data from a a limited you know question i would say that you still have the age to of course you are yeah yeah but i surely like would just first of all there must be something like you know um priests well the priests who don't fuck you know but they do but they yeah the ones who don't do i don't think there's been a single priest in the history of time that has ever held that like monks though they must like just come in their sleep. You ever had a wet dream? Yeah.

Surely in this question, in the framework of this question, a wet dream would be acceptable. So your balls wouldn't just kind of burst, would they? You wouldn't die because you don't wank. Fuck, that got brutal. Death by exploding testicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck. I don't even believe there's ever been a monk who's ever not just had a little sly one i genuinely think they're all liars yeah i don't believe any of them sly one i honestly reckon like i reckon there's like fine print of the bible or something that the priests know about where it's like there's a certain cupboard you go into and god's not looking i think it's all quite fine print. You said you've had sex you wish you could have forgotten. Yeah, of course. I've had a wank off wish I forgot.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a bad wank. Yeah, it was an embarrassing one. Okay. Who, you? Yeah. Yeah, so it was about five years ago,

and my missus was doing a master's at uni, because someone's got to be smart in the relationship. She's the master's. You're the abate part of that. The what? Masturbate. Masturbate. What?

That was very good. It was really good, Alvin. See what I mean? I had no idea, I had no idea. Who's hiding this in Amsterdam? Where were we? Wow. Wow.

We got a story about Amsterdam. What do you wanna do first? Well, let's finish. Thomas gets distracted by everything. Okay. Well let's finish Thomas gets distracted By everything Okay So let's finish the story He's actually started first Sorry that was my fault

No it's absolutely fine That's what podcasting is Yeah sure sure sure Um Bless you Fucking hell Uh So

I was I made dinner And I sort of set up Like a romantic evening In the front Leandron bit In Nottingham We were living there up like a romantic evening in the front lounge room bit in Nottingham. We were living there.

And she was up in the loft working away. And she came down to have dinner. But then she took the dinner up. And I thought, and I poured her wine and all this. I thought it was going to be really lovely. And then she was like, I've got to keep going. I was like, okay, cool. So she went back up and that was it.

She was eating up there and doing her master stuff, dissertation or whatever. and i was sat there and i had the meal and i had some wine and i was still feeling like romantic and so then i i uh i put candles out there was candles in the living room and stuff as well and so then i decided to to uh this is when the ps4 was connected to the tv and you could access the internet on your ps4 yeah so on the tv i'd accessed you know some some porn and i was sitting there uh having a lovely time then i was like oh this is this is taking a while because it's a bit hard to navigate with a controller so then i got my lap oh by the way this is also when you you know ps4 you've got your. So I've got like fucking surround sound. It was unreal.

And then I thought, nah, do you know what? I need to pause. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You did headset. But yeah, and you also said surround sound. And they're very different things. Surround sound. Headsets come with like a 7.1, don't they?

No, headsets are headsets. Surround sound means you've got speakers all around your living room playing porn finn's nodding oh my issue was 73 no my issue was there was a lady in the house a new headphone the wank that is that's that's where my brain went oh Hang about, Spuds. What are you up to there? She was up in the loft and honestly was like 22 hours a day working her ass off, you know.

But I was conscious of that, mate, you know. That's why I got the laptop out to go to the go-to clip to just get it done, you know. And then while that was happening uh i i now obviously you know wasn't wearing much um just my hat and um the uh the light came on in the room and i just froze and i looked up and I realised she's walked in and seen me there with TV porn, laptop porn, half naked, candles and a half-eaten dinner and a glass of wine on my own.

And I honestly, my life flashed before my eyes and she did the most British thing ever. She just looked at me and went, oh, sorry. And left the room, left me to it. And then about five minutes later she came back in and she's like, you had two, two going at the same time. And I was like, yeah. She goes, all right.

And so I'm just going to go work on my dissertation. She's a remarkably modern woman. Did you finish? Did you finish? To be honest, I mean, to be honest with you, I was really scared because I'd gone from, you know, that fear of, you know, I've talked about it before, of wanking being bad.

Why? Why was wanking bad? Because I grew up in that really constricted, hardcore religious environment. I thought wanking was bad. So getting caught wanking, it was always a very private thing. When the layfairs come on, did you think it was God? It was always a very private thing, but being cool. When the life fairs come on, did you think it was God?

I thought it was such a, I thought I was coming so hard I was transcending. The light came on. A couple of things about the story. Okay. First of all, you said that the mood took you to masturbate because you were feeling romantic. Yeah. Right. Well, you know, I mean, I had a couple of wines and I was...

Did she not know that you'd prepared her a meal? She did, but honestly, like, you know... She just went, I've got to stay upstairs, I'm going to eat it. You sort yourself out and, you know, you took it to the nth degree. Literally to the nth. Right. I just wanted to use that word. You also said go-to clip.

Yeah. Foreign concept to me. You have a go-to clip to, you know, if you're being too tardy in the production. We've all got a favourite one. Don't we need to get it all done quick? You go to your favourite one. No.

What do you do? You don't have like a favourite little just like. Top three? No, maybe. I mean, like, you know, I don't know. Like. You've never watched Blue is the Warmest Colour? I've watched that a few times.

Now I've got certain like porn videos that I know every fucking inch of it. So that my brain works faster than the video does. So I start watching it, I'm like, oh, I don't know what's coming next. And it's done. That is actually so fucking accurate. I can see why romance came into it. Happy Valentine's Day.

A romance one. Get yourself a favourite I mean I've got like for me like you know rotation variety really is the elite cop one get the kids in

David and Go porn Yeah, David and Go porn. The niche one, sorry. Can I have a break glass if need to come? No, no, no, because it's always the thing that's the hottest. It's the, you know, it's the variety of it. Wait, so you, oh, you like the surprise. You don't know what's coming up.

Well, I just can't... I just... It has to be different. I've watched some porn that is, like, mad because... What, like, angry? Angry porn? No, no, no, no. I mean, like, bonkers. Like, you know, like, Mad as a March Hare mad.

I don't mean angry. Well, sometimes it's angry. I've watched some fucking mad porn. It is really fuming that they're in there. Plumber angry that woman won't let him finish his job. Get off me car. Do you want this washing machine fixed or what, love? Put your fucking clothes on.

Stupid cunt, I got three more jobs after this. I asked where the stock cost was. Every time I scoop this pool pool more leaves fucking fall in um no not angry like that uh uh not mad like that but yeah no the the the concept of a go-to clip sort of uh it just surprises me because i would have thought that i mean that's why you you crave the variety You crave something you haven't had or seen before so that you can go to it. I mean, I try not to watch it. It's not one of those man things. I don't watch porn.

I try not to watch it because I think it sends me mad. Because I just end up seeing every other, I end up looking at every female through the prism of the porn that I've watched. And it makes it quite hard to have adult conversations. I mean, your voice anyway automatically dictates or makes me think of adult conversation. You talk quite adult. Like I heard, I was in Greece recently,

and on a tannoy, I heard a voice, and I thought it was you. It sounded very much like, yeah. I thought Alfie was, yeah, it was, because you talk quite uh enunciated and you pause and you have effect when you're talking and i thought it was you bro yeah do tannoy work uh i take it if it was there i think i've told you this before but my um i was on a train on the when it was the virgin pendolino service from liver to Euston. And I adore silence, and I feel like the tube doors beeping.

I know it's for people who can't see and all that, but still, there aren't enough of them to warrant it being justified for how much it annoys me and other people with eyes that work. And we are stopping at, the buffet car is, and we are stopping at the buffet car is we are stopping at Runcorn, Crew

Stafford, Rugby and Milton Keynes and just shut the fuck and I was wishing death upon this person who was announcing it and then I realised that it was my mum who is a successful voice over artist in her own right and it was my fucking mum sending me insane. Do you think that's why you have such good enunciation?

Yeah, I mean, my mum changed her accent in the 80s when she moved down from Liverpool to London, because back in the 80s, you wanted to be a radio producer, and the BBC's big rule was you could be Scouse or a woman, but don't be both. And she wanted to be an actor as well, so she retrained her voice to be like this. And now I was speaking to her, making clips with me in them, or making clips for my podcast.

You just press the button in Premiere Pro, and I was speaking to you guys about it. I'm like, isn't Premiere great? You just press the button. premiere pro and i was speaking to you guys about it isn't premiere great you just press the button it transcribes the whole thing it never gets a word wrong and you were like no no no that's for you it does yeah the premiere goes could you just fucking not actually shut up you don't know what you're saying. So, yeah, that is one advantage. Finally, you know, something's going my way, finally. You guys have had it too rough for too long.

You've had it too, yeah, exactly. Finally, an advantage for the received pronunciation community. But, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Finally, an advantage for the received pronunciation community. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd take tannoy. If anybody's offering any tannoy work, well, maybe you'd like to replace the advert reads in this podcast with me, and I'll do your sneaks and your Nord VPNs, and you can just do away with all these scruffy advert reads,

and I'll be the person. You know, what you really want to get these fucking pigs buying your shit is um i don't i use a vpn um just fucking calm down it was a joke um jay jay alfie did away with me in amsterdam rotterdam rotterdam i did away with you yeah i'll be anywhere really yeah yeah yeah so we went there remember this is he still doesn't get he'd last then and he's got no idea why i don't know what he said it's a song that's how well i know him i knew that that laugh was him just going i'm going to pretend i know what we're all laughing I've seen it as crazy as like. He laughed at that. It's very, very subtle,

but he does this little thing straight after the laugh. And he's like. He laughed at Dava Dengog. There's not a chance he knows who David Ngoc is. The what? I didn't hear you, I know I didn't hear you. Go on now. David Ngoc and his brother Wash.

Oh yeah, I did laugh at the David Ngoc and I didn't get that either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say Ngoc, yeah? David Ngoc, I would say. Well, he's from France. He is. That's why I say David, not David.

David Ngoc. That's not his name is it Alright Why did Alfie slight you in Rotterdam I don't know Ask him What happened Well It was me, you and Ed Knight

We'd gone across to do shows Do you remember Did I say the right name You looked at me like Yeah And It was the first night. But we didn't really know each other then.

And we've talked about this, shall we? But we all went to the hotel, stayed in our rooms, and then we'd all plan to meet up the next day. And I was like, yeah, yeah, just message us on Insta. We'll hang out and go for lunch, spend the day. And I was like, yeah, cool, cool. And they didn't reply to me on Insta. And I was like yeah cool and then they didn't reply to me on insta and i was like right and then the next day getting ready going down to the comedy uh venue and you guys thought

yeah we had a lovely day and went out and we had lunch and we explored rotterdam and oh what did you do i'm like i just waited for you guys to reply I just waited for you guys to reply. What are you there? What are you? No remorse. Oh, shut up. Well, I mean, it's quite clear that it was a miscommunication.

It wasn't like, oh, fuck you, shall we go? It wasn't, you know, you would have lightened the mood a little bit hanging out with Ed Knight. Jesus Christ. I'm sure you had the feeling. It felt like charging him £75 an hour. No, he was charming company. I'm just trying to make you feel better. We actually had a great day.

Random shots right at the end of the episode. No, lovely Ed Knight. And yeah, yeah, yeah. But we wouldn't have gloated about how good our day was if we, you know, acknowledged, you know, snubbing you in real time, would we? Or maybe we wouldn't. That's the ruse.

I have no idea. I actually can't remember that. It all feels like a blur. The band. From before. Blair. It's only Blair Ladies and gentlemen That brings us to

Towards the end of today's podcast We've had a wonderful time Thomas will you just please Before I plug a couple of things Tell everyone where they can find you Thomas Green Comedy On Instagram and all the socials Also

Can say Pretty excited to say that me and Ishan are going to start a pod. Fuck off. Yes. Wow. Yep.

So, we both lapsed from perspective religions and have, just want to hang out and have a good time. So, we're going to start a pod

in the coming future. But yeah, look out for that. Pinky and the Brown. That's a good podcast title right like the cartoon yeah yeah yeah of course

like the cartoon I'm not just saying oh my god that is me oh god come on Bob Bright no the same thing we

do every night Pinky try to take over the world. I've got details on me from that I need to plug. Is that okay with you? Yeah, that sounds great. What is it called?

At the moment, I think the working title is Lapsed. Nice. Yes. I love it. Keep an eye out for that. We've had co-host Alfie Brown today. If you would like to see me and Alfie both do stand-up at the exact same night on July the 14th in Derby.

Yes. We're doing a gig for Just The Tonic. You can get tickets at justthetonic.com. I think it is, but if you Google Just The Tonic comedy, that will come up. Come and see us. I promised them I would give that little plug.

And seeing as we're both here, that makes a lot of sense. So please come and see us do that. Alfie, you have a podcast and you have social medias and why don't you tell everyone where the fuck they can find all of that? I've got two other fucking things. Alright. One is called the Alfie Brown Show

that I'll be relaunching on Monday, which is the day that this comes out. Yes. If you're a civvy. Yeah, so I'm doing an episode every day, every weekday next week so I'm just trying to kind of redo what I do there

an F1 Formula 1 podcast yes with Joshua and those are my podcasts Alfie Brown comedian or AB comedian on Twitter

please seek me out and give me your care and attention wonderful we will go to Finn very shortly for our song of the week and give me your care and attention. Wonderful. We will go to Finn very shortly for our Song of the Week. Obviously, if you're on YouTube, you don't get the song because we'll get struck by copyright, and we don't want that.

But if you are an audio listener, you get some music. We do have some tickets left still for the Arena Show, Friday the 9th of December, the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. How exciting. Gigsandtours.com or ticketquarter.co.uk There are still some tickets left. All of the floor seats are sold out and the majority of the lower level, but there is still some

in the upper echelons, but there isn't a bad seat in the house, so please go and get them. I'm not on tour anymore. Fuck you. You can't come. Dan Nightingale, my regular co-host, will be in the autumn, so you can get them at dannightingale.com he's also previewing that tour at dan's previews.com there's still some of them left and also we have a little

bit of exciting news in that we're going to be filming a short thing with alfie in july we'll give you full details of that soon on how you can get tickets to come and watch us film it and also where you can watch it when it comes out but we're quite excited about that i'm very excited about it it's going to be great yes um finley do you have any music please yes this week's uh song of the week is by craig lee and the humblebees it's very 60s inspired very beatlesy uh it's called king for the day and then my single's coming out next friday i think i do you can pre-save that wherever wonderful stuff thank you very much as always for listening download and please tell your friends about it and do us a

favor our Instagram account had a bit of a fucking nightmare this week so can you go to at have a way pod on Instagram and just like every post that you haven't already and it

will just push us back up the algorithms because that was a bit of a pain in the ass okay bye mitt see you later mate bye bye mitt on the body love water a minute On the bottle of water, mate. The kingdom of yours is falling apart again. Abandoned me once before.

Could it be three or four? Forever incoherence on what you're asking for. Unshut the door. We've seen this all before. And if I were king for the day. For the day And clear the streets Of the snakes And sleep their prey

If I were king For the day You just welcome Outstate Watching the union fade Can the remnants ever be Thank you. We've seen this all before. For the day. The streets. The spotlight comes our way. For the day Open the door, Lord

We've seen this all before And if I were king for the day I'd fill the streets With the love from yesterday. If I were king for the day. If I were king for the day. If I were king for the day.