Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #179 with Tom Stade - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

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That's right, our main sponsor is a piob trimmer. Enjoy. Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me episode 3742 million two hundred and twenty one thousand eleven hundred and three oh god i got this amazing story from my past what i've got an amazing story today from my past have you no I've done them all twice don't know

I've done them all twice you say isn't it but then there was one last week about the fucking I want to worship your body yeah and that was new

oh lord at least there's a big cock on the table Adam gone really early with the cock have you ever used Like a

Like On a woman An aid Yeah Yeah I have yeah I absolutely have I've used one of those big ones

That you plug into the wall I'm pretty sure I've told you about it Again What no the machine The one that goes No not one Not like the fucking machine It's just like a

It's just like a big... It looks like an exclamation mark. Like a cattle prod. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you plug it into the mains. Well, it is. It's in the mains. Doesn't it look like one of those things

that they rub on pregnant ladies' tummies when they're doing the... Yeah. What's it called? Sonogast. Why am I asking two guys who've never been through the pregnancy and childbirth? We both had a correct answer and they were both different. Yeah, I've used one of them.

They're fucking, hey, they're useful, them. Right. Because she comes like mad. But you get all excited for some reason. I think... Even though it's the house doing it to her. Yeah. It's fucking Eon.

Who made you come? Norweb. I think if a lady, or definitely if it was a guy, like if you were a young lady, and you're around guys, and he's like, I want to use something tonight.

You know, we've only slept together three times, but come in the spare room. Or like, just bring, can you come to the spare room or like just bring can you come to the garage yeah that there's the full-on sex machine what's it called the fucking machine sibian it's called it's called a sibian it's what the pussy pound have you never seen him have you never seen ben after reading available He's called Carl Tenner It's available at Blacks

The outdoor shop Have you ever seen Ben after reading? I have seen Ben after reading It's in that Yeah, George Clooney's got one of those Is it a cycling machine? Like a bummer machine They're one of those porn things

That's been invented by like the eight-year-old boy in someone's head like what if a lady was on a bicycle and every time she used the pedals a dildo went in her pussy like fucking murderer of women no i know all right maybe i've got a bit younger but do you know what I mean it's a very childish what have you drawn there Timmy well I like bikes and women love dildos oh I'm going for a bike

ride Tour de France you slug Tour de France nicely done yeah in Burn After Reading it's like a seat

with a dildo that comes in oh yeah I just don't know that'd be a lot wouldn't it? Yeah. I want to...

Or for those. Yeah, I suppose. Have you ever used one of the wands on yourself? The one I was talking about, the exclamation mark. Have you ever put it on your cock or your balls? What? It's honestly not enjoyable. I don't know.

I won't be doing that again. So they won't be doing that again. Genuinely. It's like getting a Thai massage on your cock, but not like the happy... See, that first bit didn't sound bad. No, no. It's like getting a Thai massage On your cock But like Not like See that first bit Doesn't sound bad No

It's like getting a Thai massage On your cock No But like Not like I don't mean like a Like a Like a little jack off at the end

I mean it's literally like Them like Right Is that Feels like For the audio listeners Adam just twatted the shit Out of a big dildo

What would you want for? You don't. That's what I'm saying. It's not advisable at all. Oh, that sounds awful. The big, like... Yeah, it's built for the clit, not for the cock. The Large Hadron Collider.

Large Hadron Collider. Large Hadron Collider. Yeah, you know you're dirty if you need four scientists in Switzerland. That's when you... What gets you off? Come to me. We're going to Geneva. Where is it?

Geneva? Yeah. What sex toys have you used? Butt plug. Have you? Right now. Have you, actually? Yeah. What sex toys have you used? Butt plug. Have you? Right now. Have you actually? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you had a butt plug in before? I had a vindaloo last night. It's pragmatic. I've gotten to that age where I'm losing control. So I've just, you know, when you old people get old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was either, you know.

So you're actually using a butt plug as a butt plug? To plug your butt? I'm plugging the butt, you know? It was either so you're actually using a butt plug as a butt plug to plug your butt I'm plugging a butt you know it was either that or an incontinence nappy and I'm just not there yet you know

so I've gone popped it in have you actually ever had a butt plug in your ass I don't know why you don't believe me right now show us it then show us your big star show us your butt plug because i think it was i think

it's less likely that you've turned up to the podcast with a butt plug and then you've used a butt plug in for sexual deviance i have uh yes you have haven't you and you've used one yourself yeah and i want to put this down to misadventure. Is that a sex thing, though? Honestly, it wasn't a sex thing. I mean, it was. It was menopause. But what it was, was really uncomfortable.

And it was near the pee-pee, wasn't it? So, not good. I am yeah I did we this is fucking years ago with the old um crazy sexy ex and

uh just I was like well what if I used it she was like yeah what if you used it

I was like great I was about I was about a centimeter and a half into the process and regretted it instantly. How did you put it in? It felt like, have you ever had a really good scratch of your bumhole?

It felt like you just got way too vigorous with it. It was just uncomfortable. I was like, no. And then that needed a wash. Sometimes I use a fart to scratch my bumhole. What? Just inside, your arsehole's itchy and you force a fart on it and nail it.

There's genuinely not many better feelings in the human experience than scratching your inner arsehole with a fart. And I know it sounds mental, but I know for a fact from his reaction that he's done that. I know exactly what he means. Oh my good God.

What a shot it's like a 40 yarder how's he done that okay James Rodriguez oh there's no better feeling than that he's had no right

to do that he scratched his arse with a fart that's like second to coming in the human experience no second to coming

is waiting after you've come. No. Whoa, that's horrible. What? Merging lanes. What? Like Rick Ross. That's what I was thinking of.

Every day I'm hustling, hustling. Oh, I hate that. You have to like... Yeah, I don't like that. You have to merge the lanes. When I piss after I've come, I often have to just stand in the bath and like wazz it all over the shower.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're a fucking fireman's hose. No, because I've still got an erection and... Whoa! The way you did that was like, bloody hell, someone's going to have to grab onto that. But it sort of is a bit like that, because as it's, like, merging lanes,

it doesn't come out straight anymore, does it? It comes out at whatever angle it fancies. How quick it... Hang on. This is such a dirty start to this episode episode 3468 is a filthy one you know i mean i'm are you absolutely rock solid when you're doing the way i mean i've still got a bit of fucking pipe in me you know all right i'm sort of talking about when everything's just calmed down a little bit are you facing the wall who who like you if you need a piss that by the way you can all look at me like i'm fucking insane there's no way especially with our listeners

that i'm unique no no i know i'm standing in the shower to piss when you've still got a hard on i hard on collider and yeah i get it i have done it but i'm talking about like you know when everything's just chilled out a little bit i like that feeling do you not like that feeling i know i'm talking about when it's like post sex like he's talking you have to merge the lanes and point it down right okay or like a morning one when you wake up and you're like how are we you've got to go the fucking toilet and do like a fucking handstand so that you can piss into the fucking toilet bowl out the window other side of the road on it and the neighbor's bin the bin lorry's coming down the neighbors actually

the butt plug thing i was seeing a girl once And she was like Yeah I own several butt plugs And it was like What What conversation Is this a girl Is this a girl from school That had more than one arsehole

No No you're getting confused there There was a girl at school Who had no arseholes Mate she should not own Several butt plugs I don't think she does That'd be weird innit

I've got no arsehole I think she's got sort of a permanent butt plug because she had to get plumbed in, didn't she? Anyway. It's a lie. Don't buy the lie, Dan.

Don't. This lie's been a part of our life for about two decades. Don't buy into the lie. It's not a lie, though. And it's my favourite thing in the world. She had to be plumbed in.

She did. What, did they have to find her a new pee hole? Just put it in her finger so she can like, point piss. They plumbed an arsehole have to find her a new pee hole just put it in her finger so she can like point piss they plumbed an arsehole in for her at what age

I don't know how does she piss like bleeding a radiator you'll piss on your arse on a horse this one's been the same as every other woman. The eight-year-old boy in my head like, women have got one hole. That's for everything.

We ain't pooing in bike rides. You didn't know women have got three. We ain't pooing in bike rides. Sorted with one hole. This is the stupidest one. Do you know when we start stupid I wonder I wonder for the people

that have never alright I'll have a look at other words a lot of people have recommended it I've just spent 12 minutes going what the fuck

30 hey Claire 30th biggest patron in the world fuck no listen so this girl was like I own several butt plugs

and I was like Different girl right Okay When did she say that What When we were in the texting phase Oh right Dirty sexy texting

Oh in the texting phase We'd agreed to meet up For like the second time I think Was that a Was that a stand alone text It was in the middle of a conversation Right Like obviously there was probably

More context to it Yeah it was Adam saying Do you collect anything You know when you do that Like, obviously, there was probably more context to it. Yeah, it was Adam saying, do you collect anything? You know when you do that light chat? Day two. Do you collect anything? I own several bubbles.

Stamps. Signed memorabilia. How many several? It's three or more, isn't it? Several. Yeah, but is that what she meant? Yeah, she had a little, in a doozy of a collection, aren't they? Several. Yeah, but is that what she meant? Yeah, she had a little, kind of doozy of a collection, aren't they?

Different shapes and sizes and materials. Metal ones, rubber ones, plastic ones. Oh, God. Rubber? Ooh, that's not good. Hey, now, the one I... Silicon, like this. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, well, the one I...

Oh, it was just a small little purple thing. I don't know what I was doing. There's just times when you're like, what are you doing? It wasn't one of them. I've seen one of them ones that look like a fucking metal they look like you know a good sized strawberry made of metal

yeah that's the one she used on her lip put a lip on it no thank you I'm not into it no pop it like it's hot on our second or third date she just had it in.

On a date? Oh. Yeah, because she didn't have it on her. She didn't have it on her like a key ring. No. She arrived with it already. Didn't she like clang when she sat down? Shut up.

All right, love. Someone's keen. That's a leather couch um but she quite clearly was like into it no shit and obviously other lads might in her past of being into it as well because she was like you know if you wanted on our next date i could just arrive at one in if that would do it for you do what like just like turn me on to know that she was walking around with a fucking spot and i was just like sound because i didn't want to be like no me too yeah absolutely not for me depends where you're going on a date isn't it yeah yeah they'll go trampolining. Yeah. We went to Chessington

World of Adventures. Just constant. Go for a curry, she farts in the car park, it flies out and damages your fucking car door. Fucking hell,

love. I'm going to need new body work. Sorry. Oh dear. Yeah, but she quite clearly was trying to get me

to be like yeah I'd love that so I just went with her yeah yeah you go I wasn't arsed but mentally you're like she's probably not my wife

yeah she wore the arse plug yeah what did you say not until we got home and then I was like sorry mate sexy so no where did she keep them all in a drawer did she have

them on a shelf um she had a that's bold in it she had a treasure chest full of sex toys and i'm not even messing yeah yeah she had an actual treasure chest like genuinely it it belonged to pirates if you looked at it you'd be like right this is a pirate prop it was a treasure chest so where did you keep it i want to do that all right there wasn't like a fucking match with x marks the spot we've got to go on a quest for my butt plugs it's better than a front garden you and a hook Yeah Wow

And now there's ones where She had a plethora Of sex toys Okay Let's say plethora I've got You can pronounce it either way You can pronounce it wrong

Alright yeah What other ones Where Now these are for the The other bum Isn't it? Front bum. Oh, the eggs?

No, but the pink ones, that's like... Yeah, I've used one of them, the remote control ones. They're fun as fuck. You've used one? On a woman. Oh, no, okay. You've not popped it up. Give Carl the fucking thing.

You can connect it. This tour's getting boring. Adam in the middle of a gig in Cardiff, like... We should do that. Absolutely should do that absolutely should do that yeah we absolutely should I can't wait for that it's actually

it's a phenomenal little bit of fun like there's an app for your phone it links to the thing it's connected to the wifi and I right yeah I gave I wanna come

I can't get fucking signal wifi's not working I'm in a tunnel yeah can't really get H but you can actually's not working. I'm in a tunnel. Yeah. Can't really get H. But you can actually, they don't have to be connected to the same Wi-Fi. So you can be in a different city

and control the thing. They're called love sensor thing in a different city. So if you're away, if you travel for work, you'd be like, yeah, I love that. That needs end-to-end encryption, doesn't it? So some Chinese hacker's like,

oh, you're going to come hard. You can play a song because that's what hackers are like eight-year-old chinese boy hackers you're a dirty bitch oh there is a love egg hack it does exist but you can play a song and it will like it will vibrate to the beat of the song staying alive it'll be as naturally yeah but like i'm not messing i think I might still have the app. Wow. What?

You've still got the app? No. Love ends remote. Should we give her a fucking... I mean, you'd have to be in right now. A weird morning. I think it went in the bin. What if she's just still got it in? I miss them so much.

Up it goes. Well, he's thinking about me. She asked me to go and see her at work one night. And she was like, I've got it in. I miss him so much. Up it goes. Well, he's thinking about me. She asked me to go and see her at work one night. And she was like, I've got it in, by the way. So I was, she was in work. And I was just, she was behind the bar she worked in. And I was just having a fantastic time. Oh, lad, you just bought something like fucking Sandstorm on the go-to-bedroom.

Rap God. She's fucking up every shamrock in every pint of Guinness. But honestly, I was just sad just sad like at the bar just having the time of my life it was great it was phenomenal how have we never had that story before you told the story today and he asked you but i was not to tell we always tease it out mate it's great it's really good fun you should get one for you and your missus. She's called Laura. It's called Laura. It felt weird to use her name

when it was such a real suggestion. Get Laura that sex toy. Tell you what, the school run's a bit boring. I'd love you to do it on your BMX. Yeah, I'm a BMX. Laura, dropping the kids off. Not a euphemism.

Yeah. Oh. Phenomenal. Wow. It's not, you know, I'm so glad you've lived. It's just that they're like the little pink thing

that sort of hangs out. It looks like a little pink dolphin. Right. I'm going to google Craziest Sex toys Craziest sex toys Carl Producing

Like a bows What have we got Oh god I do sound ill Don't I I hear it in my own voice Nasally Oh my god What

The Vladimir Putin dildo Vladimir Putin My pussy Oh no What is that Get that away from me is that a dildo it looks like a rubber i think anything's a dildo if you really want it anything's a dildo baby no anything's a dildo fucking Ford Transit

oh there's feet you can get oh some people like fucking feet though don't they the whole foot thing is just

erm what the fuck is that the post-elector what is that oh is that so you get sucked off Mr Jack with a moustache what the

yeah for the audio listeners there's just gonna be an array of absolutely mental sex toys. It fits like a glove, apparently. Yeah.

Oh. What? The baby Jesus pop-up. Listen, I am a devout atheist and that is way too far in it. That looks like... That's a sheep.

Just a sheep. It's just a sheep. It's an inflatable sheep sex costume a sheep. Just a sheep. It's an inflatable sheep sex costume. Easy for you to say. Take home tiger. He's played the field. Now he can be his 19th hole. It's a kit to fuck Tiger Woods.

It's quite niche. That's so funny. You don't need much. Cookie dough, edible lubricant. A bit weird. That's quite niche. That's so funny. You don't need much. Cookie dough, edible lubricant. A bit weird. That's so American. Clown vibrator. That just absolutely blew my head.

Did you see the name at the bottom of that Tiger Woods one then? No. What was it? The name. You know... We won't say the name. Shock therapy clamps for your nipples oh i i've used them no you haven't come on on yourself come on i used them on me and on here yeah is that a defibrillator come on i've had electric nipple clamps on my nipples

everything's an electric nipple clamp if you want it. Put that washing out, you dirty bitch. Why do they just clamp and then they just vibrate? Stop it. Stop it, you silly person. Don't stop it, keep doing it. No. The ideal for an electric sex.

Hang on, we're not moving past this, Kyle. No, no, I'm not. Do you not get erect wreck from nipple play like when a girl's just having a good old lick on your nipples do you like not doing anything for her yeah but it's not

independent of anything else is it no girl's like do you know what I want I don't want to touch you let's not kiss let's not say anything just get your fucking

nips out of that no but there's certain things that just do it for you. I actually, this is, you're going to go and flush your teeth. Stop. Stop.

Oh, have you come from a nipple rub? No, right. So, a turn on for me is like a little nibble or a lick on the ear. Right? Yeah, I'll give you that.

Right? Oh my God. When I was a teenager, I snogged a girl called Erica. I fucking can't remember her name. It was like... It was Erica? No, I can't remember her surname. I can't remember her surname.

You did that about Erica in your life? Good point. Come on, Lou Bega. What did she do? What did she do? I've never had an ear lick like it. You know when you're like 14, 15 and you're not really...

We weren't doing anything else. There was no dick touching or fucking electric nipple clamps. We just weren't there. And she licked my... And I'm 41 and I still remember that. Was it good? She cleared me out, man.

So? Oh, man. So? Oh, no. No. There's no dog involved, is there? No. We put the nipple clamps on the ears. Shut up. Oh, shit, that's what Erica did as well at 14.

No, you didn't. No, we didn't. It did absolutely fuck all for me But we gave it a go You could have islanded yourself Yeah Have you come Adam? No I've got tinnitus

Oh my god I'm so stupid Oh, my God. Let's just keep moving around the body, see where it works. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, because, like, we put it on there. I was like, yeah, I got that. She was like, well, you love your earplugs. Should we just...

Earplay? No. Earplay Earplay Where we at with earplay Finn you're single How's your love life mate I feel like we Let's do a little Finn's love life update

What's going on with you Because you've had your You've had your excitement It's all good All good It's all good Yeah Yeah

Yeah I've had sex recently. With a lady. With a lady. Yeah. Did she lick your ears? She didn't lick my ears. No.

No. I know. I was, I was, I was asking, can you lick my ears? She just kept saying it. In the restaurant.

She kept saying no. She kept saying no. She kept asking. Yeah. Fuck it. You lick me ears? No? No, come on now.

You lick me ears? Yeah, I love a little ear. What's your thing though? What's my thing? What gets you like... That's a bit weird. Or just in general. Yeah, what's the thing?

Your little peck. Your little thing. Your little peckadillo. I like a neck bite. Oh. You slut. Yeah? peccadillo i like i like a neck bite oh you slut yeah yeah who doesn't love a neck bite yeah what i love a neck bite i like any bite to be honest you bite me anywhere but my cock biting is great well see i like a nibble of the balls

no i don't i want my balls to be very gently molested. There's a line, isn't there, with the balls? Yeah, I just want them to be like... You see a little person? Yeah. It's all sewn up. I want them to be just like, really looked after.

Just like... Very gentle, just... Yeah. All right, thanks thanks a neck bite no i'm not doesn't doesn't do much for me what ear play i'm absolutely down for it but going back to being 14 15 whenever you got a hickey you're like oh for fuck's sake oh you don't want that but you want to get as close to that as possible without that happening. Carl looks like Count Dracula as well. So if he started fucking nibbling on your neck.

I like him. I like getting sucked off. What, with their mouth? Yeah. You're mad, you. That's my thing. You're fucking mad. It's weird.

I reckon Carl's the weirdest one here. I just don't reckon he talks about it. Just give Celica one gin and then sit down. You know she does love that don't she yeah he's so respectful of me he never tells any stories here's all the stories exactly yeah any source of nibbling like bite me shoulder yeah great yeah shoulder yeah great yeah you know when they've got their head there and you're like you're really close and you're i love that that you do triangle shoulders yeah you know when you've got them in a fucking camorra but you know when they're on top and you've got your hands behind the back and you're like holding them close and have a little nibble there, girl. Tuck, tuck. Tuck, tuck.

Get the biscuits out. Tuck in. Help yourself. Where would you want it to bite? My balls, my cock. Anywhere else is fine. Maybe like the leg bit around me

but I don't know I don't quite like that I think or toes yeah if you want I mean it won't do much for me what about scratch I feel like

oh back scratch I feel now now dirty bitch mark your territory girl mark your territory make me look

make me look oh no like the child of Ra's al Ghul before the escape whipped to fuck

the child of Ra's al Ghul did they get whipped to fuck oh that's the father isn't it that's Bane yeah

make me look like Bane yeah make me look like Bane oh just ruin me back honestly no one else is gonna see it apart from you when you next see it again so just

do whatever the fuck you like oh yeah wonderful is there no line with that because i feel like it's like i quite enjoy scratch but then when it gets digging i'm like what blood no honestly you can make me look like i've tried to break into a drug dealer's house who's got seven rottweilers it's a beautiful imagery raz al ghul's son and a drug dealer who's got seven rottweilers yeah just you can just go bananas wow yeah just passion in it the way you say it is like you can i feel like you're looking at me telling me that i can't like a person that don't just bite me anywhere not Dan not a cock yeah nah like a little bone

little oh no no no be careful around there yeah yeah yeah but that's not being careful there's a trust there's trust there's gotta be a trust

and you've got you've got safe words yeah what's your safe word then hey you fucker get off my balls that's it yeah quite long

is it needs to be punchy ass sombrero I used I used safe word then? Hey you fucker get off my balls. That's it yeah. Quite long. Is it? Needs to be punchy. Ass. Sombrero. I used. Basingstoke. Fuck off you bitch. That's my

Yeah. What? Has he ever had a woman be like Lee Carsley Lee Carsley's my safe word which is weird because sometimes

I fuck Lee Carsley. And he doesn't know when you want him to stop. Are you really enjoying yourself? Are you just moaning his name? Full name? Middle name? What's Lee Carsley's middle name?

I'm googling this. Lee Paul Carsley? Lee Carsley. Middle name? Kevin! Lee Kevin Carsley! L Carsley. Lee Carsley. Middle name Kevin. Lee Kevin Carsley. LKC for the win. What's your safe word? Sombrero.

Yeah. Why? I could see one over there. It's plethora. It's plethora. Or sombrero. Sombrero. Dan needs a break.

I don't know if I could. I feel good as well. Just need some beet chips. What would you say for a bee, Dan? Actually. If someone was like, let's get... Well, it can't be, fuck off. Because if you're doing like, you know, whips and shit.

It can't be related to sex. No, it can't. It can't be a negative thing like, get off, you bastard. No. Kangaroo. It can't be related to sex. Oh.

Something that would instantly be unsexual. Phil Neville. Phil Neville. Phil Neville's sister. Sewage. What's she called? Sewage. Sewage. Tracy Neville. Tracy Neville Phil Neville's sister Sewage What's she called? Sewage Tracy Neville

Tracy Neville Yeah Tracy Neville Tracy Beaker Put Tracy Beaker on Just unmute Tracy Beaker Pingu If I start shouting I'm carded

Why are you like that? I'm card Do you believe What are you good at though? You ever seen when Pingu gets bladdered? What? You ever seen when Pingu gets bladdered? Yeah Fucking card player You're so good at that Do you still watch that now?

I'm one of the best Pingu impersonators On the circuit I used to close with it Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen Just for a go Pingu The daddy Can you do any other cartoons?

Do Daffy Duck Yeah he can Pikachu Just says his name doesn't he Is there something like that? That wasn't bad The Yogi Bear Yeah, he can. Pikachu? He just says his name, doesn't he? Pikachu. Is there something like that? Oh, some bat.

The Yogi Bear? I can't remember Yogi Bear. Should I make an accent? Hey, man, I'm Yogi Bear. Show me any goodies. What you doing with that big red and black dildo? Yogi Bear after that. Fuck it.

Ra's al Ghul, son. Random reference now. Yogi Bear had no idea where that come from, man. Listen, I'm just going to say it. Yogi Bear need about five, ten minute break. I told you. I feel so well. Did we just do sex party what's happening ladies gentlemen it's adam here i'm here to tell you about this week's sponsor and that is stitchfix.co.uk if you don't know how stitch fix works yet don't know where

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Welcome back. A few stand-up questions because we aren't just sex therapists. We're also comedians. Primarily sex therapists. Callum Jones says, Hey guys. Yeah, but I mean,

that's where I make most of my money now. Yeah. Obviously my sex tour's coming up. Yeah. Starting in Belfast. Callum Jones. Hey guys, just wondering what your opinion is

on Catherine Ryan's show with the cameras that are backstage. How realistic are the comedians being because they still seem reserved? Because I think it's because they know the cameras are there. Love the pods. Love the pod. Keep it up.

That's from Callum. Very weird to see an idea you've had for a TV show made into a TV show. Not that it was a fucking groundbreaking idea. I had this idea ages ago of like, wouldn't it be great if you mik'd up and filmed a proper dressing room and then showed the gig that happened on stage and sort of in sequence. I've had the same idea before.

Yeah. Because it's a great idea. It's a great idea. However, and I'm not having to go all TV people and all TV producers because there's some amazing talent in TV. They are controlling, boring, stifling fucks. So they go,

ah, yeah, we don't want it to not be good. So what we'll do is we'll fucking manufacture it, set it up, make it really cringy so it basically looks like Made in Chelsea

round the back of the fucking comedy club. And from the clips I've seen, some fucking great comics sean who's one of my favorite ever guests uh sean walsh is now hall of fame with the pod and you could see the interaction you're like yeah it's sean's on tv and he's with katherine ryan and it's it's all yeah it's not the real backstage i've seen a lot i haven't watched it yeah i've seen a lot of good comments about it, to be honest.

It's popular. But to the person who asked this question, you haven't noticed anything particularly sort of groundbreaking there. Any TV that is funded and has sponsors and is Ofcom regulated, of course the comics aren't being themselves. If you watch any TV show and then watch what we do here's there's a reason this thing has taken off to the degree it has it's because this is literally as uncensored as comedians ever get podcasts especially podcasts that are owned and ran by comedians you're never gonna ever ever ever get tv shows that allow you

to do what we do in here and that's why and i hope they never do because then we lose our usp and the reason people are watching us much more than they're watching telly one of the things me and adam said when we started this podcast was uh we'll talk like we do in dressing rooms yeah we'll talk to each other make each other laugh like comics do in dressing rooms why this has been successful because we haven't got a boss so we get like also if you ever see us edit something like out of a conversation don't be like oh yeah they're being fucking pussies it's because it's usually about someone specific and we know we've named them and and it's it's going to either really upset them

or cause a fucking load of bitching that we don't need because we're doing very well. And the rest of the circuit knows it. Some people are very happy for us. Other people, not so much. So what's the point? In terms of the comedy we try and do on here, we are just trying to make each other laugh

like comics do in dressing rooms where everyone trusts each other. Like, Katherine Ryan's fucking brilliant, by the way. Sean Walsh is great. I saw all the names that they got on. They got on some good comics. They can't fuck around like that on a major TV show. No, they're never going to be able to do it.

What channel is it? It's on Amazon Prime. Oh, so it's probably less so then. It'll be less so than the BBC, but it'll still be a bit shiny. Do you know what I mean? And the thing is, like of course they're still being censored because they're self-censoring and also all their agents are there and if they say something off color that their agent is like

agents are really sort of fannies they don't want their clients to get in any trouble every time i go on a night out and my agent knows i'm going he says stay out of prison and stay out the papers really sort of fannies they don't want their clients to get in any trouble every time i go on a night out and my agent knows i'm going he says stay out of prison and stay out the papers that's his like catchphrase oh it's like taking your accountant to a stag do they really they they've got to be the sensible one aren't they yeah that's what you're paying them for so like if they're if their clients say anything off color or like add a line or this type of stuff we say on here and their agencies, they ask it for it to be removed because they don't want to deal with the messages

of people going, your client said this and whatever. You're never, ever, ever going to get a true reflection of what comics are like. Even on here, we're as uncensored as you can be. But there's still worse things that get said in the green room because this goes on the internet and anyone can fucking see it. Some of the things me and Carl say, if mine and Carl's text messages ever get leaked, it all goes to shit. We get put in prison.

That's not all dressing rooms, by the way. It's just the dressing rooms where it's your mates. Yeah, yeah. Because there are some dressing rooms where you're like i trust you as far as i can fucking throw you ha how you doing yeah i'm sure it was tough i'll see about that i i've i've watched the sean's episode i thought i'd give it a watch i think that's the first one and you bang on in terms of the dressing room isn't anywhere near what anything that i've experienced in dressing rooms is like but there is the odd moment of genuine sincerity

so there's a moment where sean comes off stage he's just done his set and jimmy carr's like nice one great set and you can see sean's genuine like yeah cheers mate it's a nice moment so you've got that you're not getting getting the kind of dirty jokes or any like banter, but you get those moments of sincerity kind of the peak behind the hook. Because comics at every level, apart from some of the very,

when you're very, very first doing your first open spots, that's all, that's a little bit, there's a lot of, there's too many of those acts and one up the ladder a little bit. There is a lot of there's too many of those acts and up one up the ladder a little bit there is a real camaraderie between comics like jimmy carr is a big noise came on here gave us some stick it was a great episode people love parts of it they know it got an amazing reaction if you're on a bill with him he's very complimentary michael mcintyre was

incredibly complimentary to me. I work with guys who've been doing it for three years. I've worked with guys who are doing it 30 years. There is a really nice camaraderie amongst 95% of comics. And even if they are a bit cunty in their heart, people have worked out now that in a dressing room and behind the scenes and in and around a gig, the cunts have lost that game it used to be really bitchy

when I started out the junglers dressing rooms were horrible it's much more supportive now maybe there are maybe there's a little little bit of slagging off behind people's backs

but at least people have got the good grace to be nice that's nice that that's sort of captured because Jimmy Carr would probably be very complimentary of me

or Adam or any act that was on that bill. But the, the real moments where the fun bit of a dressing room is talking shop, like what are the rules of a dressing room? Taking the piss out of each other, talking shop. Basically you're in a little controlled environment where it's just people who know your little controlled industry. And the fun talking shop because if i go back to laura and start talking shop she's got a minute before she glazes over and she's like what are you on about yeah yeah i'm telling the wrong person when comics get together they can have a right old good chat about what the gigs they've seen who's died and that's always fun as well i i don't know if you'll ever be able to get that fun over.

You won't. You won't. Because it's only the way it is in a dressing room because no one else gets to see it. That's what makes it acceptable and okay and fun. And you say the worst things because you know the other three people in the room know who you are and it can't be misinterpreted.

You know how they're going to interpret everything you say and do and you you understand that it's a a friendship bond and it's a very sort of comic thing to do to be horrible to someone you love and overly nice to someone you don't like it's that's a very common way of life you've got to be able to it has to be literally secluded for for that to work properly and going oh no i think you all do we you're not able to each other and but you actually really like each other and you raise each other and you really and you talk all this shit and let's put that on camera on the one of the biggest streaming platforms in the world it's never gonna be a true representation of it but i'd imagine it's quite a good concept for the show and it'll do really well especially comparative to the rest of TV

because it will be slightly more sort of loose than a panel show or something like that it'll be slightly more comics being honest and saying things genuinely off the cuff than Mock the Week and things like that I'd imagine it'll do quite well and it'll get a few series there I think they've picked the right person as well

I think Catherine Ryan is she's great she's fucking class. And she's sound. Like, really sound. She was so complimentary. She asked Adam to support her in Blackpool and then he couldn't do it, so he got me on.

And she so loves the podcast. She's like, oh my God, yeah, I saw the clip with the guy who was talking about his brother with autism. And she was literally... It's such a weird moment to be at a massive theater i think we were at the blackpool grand or something and she's telling me how she showed her husband the clip and he was absolutely pissing himself and you're like what is going on

here like one of the biggest names in she's fucking massive in the states she's pretty big in the states as well and she katherine wright just like telling me how great the dr catford clip is there's some weird moments with this podcast but having katherine ryan tell you how fucking funny jamie hutchinson is it's just like i love what we've created dan can i talk to you about that ginger weirdo yes you can mate uh yeah she's great she's great i love the she's one of them names where i'm glad they went with her and I'm not slagging off Jimmy Carr

but I think Jimmy Carr and his his class of comics have had so much of this I'd rather see Catherine Ryan or Ramesh or whatever

because it's not that long ago that they were on the circuit I know she's massive now but I remember gigging with her so good question

I remember a few with her. So, good question. I remember a few years ago offering Catherine Ryan 120 quid to come and close the Brook House in Liverpool on a Sunday, and she considered it. Oh my God. She replied and was like, I'm trying to make this work. I'll let you know in the next few days.

I love that. It's a Brook House. Obviously, a lot of time has gone by she replied and was like I'm trying to make this work I'll let you know in the next few days I love that obviously a lot of time has gone gone by and everything but it doesn't feel like that long ago I booked John Oliver to close the frog it still fucking freaks me out when I think about it

I mean I don't know how big John Oliver is it's hard to gauge it but he's one of the most famous comics in the states isn't he because of his show because of his show and because of what he did on the daily show um i booked him to close the frog why was i booking the frog oh it's so funny was he funny that's a silly question so it this was in 2003 going into 2004 and i he used to do and andy zaltzman and joel over did a show together and i'd seen that and i was mates with

josie long and ray peacock and all of those boys russell howard were coming through and they all were signed with avalon and i basically in one phone call with Avalon, booked about five of them, five of their headliners to headline in a run. And I was there for the night, the two nights that John Oliver closed, or three, whatever. And he was excellent. Like, you would have loved the set,

but it was wrong for the Frog in 2003. It was a bit, it was rough and ready. Like, it's a better club now, the Frog, than it was. And he was rough and ready like it's a better club now the frog than it was and he was doing a thing about how a guy got his head stuck in the doors because he had two bags and he was rushing for the tube and the tube door stuck and he put his head forward to stop the door so he could still get on and he had a whole bit about it which was really good comedy and they weren't asked they weren't as arsed as they could have been yeah 120 quid for Catherine Ryan, stop dildoing

just gently, it's actually weirder when you just gently that's it, by the way make the most of that because that's the last time a dildo's gone on the table okay dad yeah because that's a classic father son conversation isn't it

right, you've ruined this fucking Christmas dinner, that's the last father-son conversation isn't it right you've ruined this fucking christmas dinner that's the last time your christmas dildo um can we please remember to move that when tom comes in oh all the comedians that aren't going to be asked about a fucking rubber cock on a couch tom state's going to be pretty probably next question please next question got another question mate wag wag lits I have a question for you sometimes

I think of giving stand up a try I think I'm a good laugh and mad shit always seems to be happening to me absolutely wacky so I reckon I could put together an alright set and he's put blah blah blah

I know you've had this email a million times before so I'll save you all the boring details however this is where it gets a little so I'll save you all the boring details. However, this is where it gets a little spicy. I found out a couple of years ago that my uncle is a nonce. And that's where this email took an interesting turn. And he's currently doing a stretch in prison.

Don't worry, I never got touched or nothing. I was clearly a very unfuckable kid. I love this guy. As you can imagine, this is the butt of a lot of jokes with my mates and no opportunity for a pedo uncle joke ever gets missed. I'm sure if I ever did stand up, I would have a bit about this, but my dad still holds his brother in a high regard

and he's very sensitive about the whole situation and I wouldn't be able to do a bit about this all the time my dad's still alive. Have you ever had any bits that you've had to hold back until the right time or until someone's left the picture massive fan of the pod keep fucking smashing it boys i'm gonna put anonymous because i just don't know um you know i'm waiting for my auntie today so i can do me rapey cousin but because it's her son and she loves him. What the fuck are you talking about?

I love, this email started so boring. I was like, I'm not even interested. But I couldn't help but read that out. I love it. Are you calling bullshit? I'm not calling bullshit. No? I think he needs to get a walk.

I mean, first of all, if you're going to do stand up, I mean, you can't be like, look, Dad, I promise I won't joke about Uncle John because I know you still like him. Uncle John the pedo. No, not like him. Holds him in high regard. He loves his brother, doesn't he?

I don't know what it's like. If your brother had four kids, would you still defend them? loves his brother don't he that's i can't i don't know what it's like your brother and four kids would you still defend them no but i i i'm sure it's difficult you know when you've when you it's your it's your blood and they fuck up i'm sure it's not as easy as like right you're an aunt so i'll never think about you again no there's no it is no it absolutely is no you can still i get what dan's saying but holding him in a high regard yeah that's it it's probably you know it's probably an unfortunate turn of phrase by our emailer yeah i'm sure i'm putting it out there right now if my little brother ever fucks a child i hope he dies

the next day i will absolutely disown him immediately and if you ever fuck a child at the end of the podcast it's on you right now i will net no longer you will no longer be my friend or my fellow dj it will be over what are you talking about oh it's blood is it is it i know not like adam to be so black and white is it no this is i have lived and breathed this fucking philosophy since i was a young man if my brother fucks a kid i'll kill him myself um i'm saying it's disgusting he dies it's one of them i do it's literally yes i absolutely do instantly have no like brotherly love for him no not not an inch of it what are you taught are you both insane i'm just i it's hard to empathize with this in it no? No. It is. But that's love isn't it? If you love

your brother, like I'm just trying, this is very difficult, I've only got a sister, so I'm trying to extrapolate that for a brother. Like, yeah, you're going to hate them, but still it's still... No, the love I have for my brother is entirely conditional on him not fucking kids.

For everyone in your life. Every single person in my life, yeah. What are you both on about? Are you winding me up? Did you plan this? Like, this old, like, I'd never speak to him ever again, but saying I hope he dies. I would hope he drops dead the second he pulled his cock out of the kid.

Oh, God. What are you all about? What an orgasm that'd be. The kids spoke the law there, but I didn't know he was a sexy arsehole. Try and fucking prosecute that. Bang down a primary school door. You, Timmy.

You got an illegal sexy arsehole. Yeah, I get it. Being a paedophile is one of the worst things a human being can do like it should be punishable by death murder and nonsense it's absolute but if it's your brother if it's your brother that does it that you've you've literally shared a wound with that not shared a wound with them but you've been raised at the pot it's i would think it's not as easy like you'd be so angry you'd be hurt you'd be upset you'd be disgusted but i don't know if it would be as easy as just drawing a line and and literally never ever thinking about them just

being like dead to me kill yourself i don't think it works like that i i know for a fact it would work like that for me i would happily snap his neck myself it's insane it isn't insane emotions aren't that black and white on and off then no with with this it is you're both pedophile defenders no no no absolutely no non-supologist non-supologist you both done me i don't, I don't think we're apologising for it. It's absolutely, but I just think you're being too black and white about a more complicated hypothetical. What you're going is,

that's absolutely disgusting. And therefore I would never have any time. Like, of course it's absolutely foul. I just don't know if that's how. I know. Although. I do know. Having said that though,

there would be the layer of, you've dragged the family name. So there'd be an extra layer of anger. Yeah, get said that, though, there would be the layer of you've dragged the family name, so there'd be an extra layer of anger of like, yeah, get it, disown them. That would be the straw that breaks the camel's back for you. Not the kids bleeding arsehole and the fact that kids like Truman. The family name has been besmirched. What are you on about?

Besmirched. How is that the thing that you're like, oh, actually, the family name? I couldn't even fuck about my family name. Change name call me adam hitler i don't give a fuck oh so that's the family you want to be associated with hey hitler was a fucking nightmare but at least he wasn't a nonce exactly listen lad if you want to start stand up do start stand up don't you sound like you're gonna be shite as well.

I'm just saying, you don't have to start. Crazy things are always happening to me. My uncle's a nun. Say, comedy. Fucking shut up. Keep listening to the podcast and start a jazz band.

Fucking don't do comedy. You're going to be shite. Really bad. Yeah, use that pedo uncle for your jazz. Pedo uncle. Pedo uncle! Pedo uncle! Do I disown him? I regard!

My dad holds him in high regard! I don't know how we pressed your button that hard, but we fucking did, didn't we? Because you're both looking at me like, you're like, oh, we're not going like you're like is pedophile the only one that you would draw the total liner what if they killed five people one of your brothers killed five people the same yeah right for no reason oh no the i don't know king bueno price was too high yeah that counts as no reason for me funnily enough yeah if he i don't know what law do you

draw the line up where you're like, oh, I'll get a stubble of his? Maybe like something that doesn't ruin another person's life. Like if our Jack ever fucks a kid, rapes a woman, or murders people

without any just cause, then yeah, I will absolutely disown him. You're not getting him a ticket to the Champions League final. No. Lad,

lad. What about good hand larceny? What's larceny? Isn't it like, disown him. You're not getting him a ticket to the Champions League final? No. Lad. Lad. What about grand larceny? What's larceny? Isn't it like theft and fraud towards a business? Oh, is it? Yeah.

That's fine. Yeah. Is that right? I'm not encouraged, actually. Can you Google that thing? What's larceny? Sounds familiar. Because it's got arson in it.

Grand larceny is grand theft, yeah. Grand theft, larceny? Yeah. Theft of personal property. Yeah. grand theft yeah grand theft larson yeah theft of personal property yeah I thought it was

to do with like I was replacing that in 1691 see I know what I'm talking about excellent what about if he was a grand larcenist

yeah I'm fine with that yeah what if he was an arsonist what buildings he been in down the old little woods there's certain crimes that require context to them for me to put my personal judgments on them like why has he set

the building on fire what happens if he set fire to a building with un like un like charged but unprosecuted criminals and they're all dead like they're in limbo yeah that's just murder isn't it yeah but he might have been guilty. They might have been, yeah. I don't necessarily think. If that building was full of his uncle and all his mates, great. Yeah, I'd be up for that. But you haven't been prosecuted yet. Hey, Jack. I don't care.

Jack. Oh, no, your arguments fell down. No, you don't care. No, you're going to go due diligence. Nailed that one. I haven't once said that due diligence matters. Not once. You don't think due diligence matters? I haven't said it. So don't tell me my arguments

fell down because that's not a part of the arguments I've put forward yet. Do you? It depends on the context. Carl, if you can't see his heels dug in, I don't know where you're looking. My argument here is robust. And you've got fucking no chance. You can kill up to 10 people for me

and I'll still be sound. After 10, I'm going to be like, don't kill a full football team. 11, 12, I'm going to be like, nah. Nah, mate. But I like your brother. And if he bangs a couple of kids. I already don't like him.

He's already in my bad books and you're putting him being a paedophile on top of that? No. Okay, then what if... Be a good bit though, wouldn't it? Be a good bit of stand-up. Oh, absolutely. What if Jürgen Klopp kissed a kid?

In what way? Jürgen kissed a kid. Like snogging them? Yeah. Yeah. I'd want him to be fired and prosecuted. Oh, not deaded. What? Not deaded wow

not deaded yeah kill him oh yeah so fire him then kill him yeah

but what if just to make him upset before you kill him you've lost your job and pow gone what if you did it and he was gone

for the quadruple yeah I just think you'd already won the league cup again you'd already won the league cup again you've got the FA cup

in the bag yeah and then he kissed the child on the face proper snog while you were going for the league cup again you've got the FA cup in the bag and then he kissed a child on the face proper snog while you were going for the league and the Champions League

I would trust Pep Linders as a tactical mouse to get us through to the end of the season tactical nonce oh hey that's similar

Jurgen said to me you know he loves kissing children you know he said so I'm in love with him even if he's a nonce I just think Peter Philly is is just a line for me.

Not a paedophilia. People who act on it and abuse kids. They're two different things. Yeah, they are, yeah. Okay, active paedophiles then. No, not active. Because you can be an active paedophile and not have sexual kids.

Okay. You know what I mean, though. You can be having a sabbatical. You can be having a year off. Like a gap year from nonsense. You could. Yeah. Ironically, in Thailand. Yeah. Statue statue of limitations could be in five years yeah and i still want them dead

so i'd try stand up especially if adam's headlining like the hot water oh that'd be great if he's ever doing new material if you do try stand up can you please tell us when your first gig is gonna be because i want to come and watch it because it's gonna be fucking shite and that's fine you can start checking get better if you want if it's your dream crack on lad have a go you are gonna be fucking dreadful i can tell from that email you're gonna be terrible for at least three years that's most comics don't worry about it um no no it's not. It's not going to be average. It's going to be shite. The gear shift is going to be amazing.

All right, my name's whatever. Some mad shit happens to me, I'm telling you. Anyway, enough of that. Anyway. My uncle's a fucking pedo. Into the closer. And just do your jazz. Yeah.

Shite. Fucking Adam's human. Can we go get a nando's not adam's fuming about pedophilia that hasn't happened it has happened it has it's in prison yeah i know but we don't know do you give the death penalty what for ped For paedophiles, yeah. I do, actually. Only paedophiles. What about murderers? Depends on why they're murdered. Why? Kinder Bueno.

We're in a loop. Context matters to everything barring paedophilia and rape. You can murder someone accidentally. That's nonsense. You can murder someone with absolute reason to do it in a fury because they've wronged you. That's nonsense. Or they've... Yeah, to be fair, you can murder someone with absolute reason to do it in a fury because they have wronged you or they've or yeah to be fair you can't nonce you can't nonce or rape accidentally

jesus christ he's just ridden his bike across the road i need to teach him a lesson but that's not the argument with death penalty isn't it it's killing innocent people in case they've been wrongly accused yeah yeah yeah yeah and again context matters i'm talking like if there's photos of someone fucking a kid kill him if there's if there's hard evidence no pun intended of someone fucking a child or raping a woman kill them kill them why why are you arguing against you i was asking you a question i'm riling you up on being a good producer very different sections, these first two.

I like to be nibbled not by a paedophile. I'm starving as well. Chasing Elton. If I'd had a button fly chicken with garlic bread and chips. That would have been a lot more. I might have gone softer

on paedophiles. Everyone's got to have a hobby. I've had a fucking halloumi starter. What are they like? It's chewy cheese, isn't it? Oh, I'm always on the internet, me, but I wish I could be on the internet in a different part of the world.

If only there was something to help, Adam. Well, you could fly somewhere or you could travel there digitally using nordvpn.com that's smart makes sense i actually used this last night i watched the villa real versus live pill first leg backstage at sheffield and i've got a nordvpn on my laptop and what i do is i set it to canada and then i watch if i had a canadian broadcaster and now that they're sponsoring our podcast, giving our listeners up to 73% off the packages with the promo code have a word

by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word. You can literally set your location to anywhere on the planet. And then you can watch, you can go to like, oh, I'm in America. Now you've got American Netflix. You can watch The Good Wife,

even though it's not on the British one anymore. That's what I want to do. Mad. You can watch footy. You can watch the three o'clock kickoffs. It's revolutionized the watching of sports. Yeah. You can watch footy. You can watch the three o'clock kickoffs. It's revolutionized the watching of sports. Yeah.

League One Al Jazeera. Get on me. Absolutely. You can watch Mohamed Salah score goals in Saudi Arabia and then you get

the fucking sick commentary. Oh no, no, no, no. Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal. You don't have to listen to Steve McMahon doing all his ingings. Shite. NordVPN.com.

Slash have a word. Promo code have a word. We've got a fucking legend, mate. Yes. It's with Sam Stey! I did this one. I did this one on the legend. And there is a fucking weird energy in this studio.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of silly, silly gooses. Well. Hi, Tom. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to be a better listener and jump in when I'm supposed to. I've been accused of that a lot lately.

Yeah, all sweet, man, all sweet. How are you? Yeah, yeah, just drove up from, drove down, sorry, drove. All sweet. How are you? Yeah, yeah. Just drove up from Scotland. Drove down. Sorry. Drove down from Scotland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've pounded down.

Got my little dog with me and my 51-year-old fucking gal who's, you know, riding that menopause pretty good. Talk about being there for. Are they in the car? Where are they? Are they in the there for where are they where are they uh well they're right now she's she needs air and i don't think she wants to hang out with uh six dudes that's all i'm gonna say it's like uh you know i love her dear. She's just walking the streets of Roncon. Yeah, that's what's going to happen. Yeah, yeah. But she said, look, look, this is how she left.

This is how we left it. I said, listen, do you want to come in? And she said, no, I'm cool. I've got a dog, some magazines, and a field over there. And that's where I left her to bleed. and that's where i left her to bleed okay is that like am i relating to anybody out there like i'm here to make your lives feel normal so yeah so that's that yeah that's where that's that's where we left it and then now i'm in here yeah okay yeah daniel it's a great choice to not bring your 51 year old wife

is it trudy yeah true my god it's my fucking better be yeah better be who the fuck was that black lesbian i was driving with jesus christ i woke up this morning. Was it all a dream? Was it all a fucking dream, man? Totally. Oh, Dan, you have so much to look forward to.

Have you done something different with your hair? Your afro hair? And your tits with the big nipple. Menopause. I don't know why I think that. Menopause hits Canadian women different, doesn't it? Probably. Because she was a blonde white lady when I last saw her.

Now she's a black lesbian. Yeah, it's crazy. When people say going through the change, they don't really mean that much change. You don't see it coming. It's a gradual thing. It's sort of like, oh my God, you're more tan today. And you've got sickle cell anemia.

Why do I know that? Why do I know that? Because that was something somebody taught me in school. Isn't that right? About sickle cell anemia? Yeah. About black lesbians. Yeah, black lesbians get sickle cell anemia more than Dan does.

What's sickle cell anemia? I don't know. It's like a cell that looks like a sickle. Right. That's all I can remember. looks like a sickle right that's all i can remember and for some reason for some reason i i have this belief that it only happens to afro uh european american whatever it comes after african that makes you that well i think you came to the right podcast to talk about it. Yes, yes. Well, you know me, Dan. I've always held back. You know, I'm there to sell products.

That's why I'm on TV all the time. I'm England's choice. Oh, that has to happen. So you've come down from Scotland. You're back in Scotland now? Because throughout the pandemic, you were looking at moving about a bit. Oh, you've come down from scotland you're back in scotland now because throughout the pandemic you were looking at moving about a bit oh you know that you fucking move yeah you know i mentioned wolverhampton before because when i lived this is fucking ages ago i had to pick you up from wolverhampton because we were driving down to a gig in bristol and i was like why do you live in

wolverhampton you're like it's middle of the fucking country and it's cheap, Dan. Oh, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The cheapest shithole in the middle of the country. Now ask me where I'm living in Scotland. Big shithole. You tried London though, didn't you?

You went to London last year? We went to London, yeah. We went to London last year we went to London yeah we went to London because I thought oh you know what would be really good for my kids is if their parents move in with them that would be you know that would keep them like you know settled because I'm a cool parent and

so I was going to move in with my daughter and then we were just they could go to she could go to her dad what the fuck where did she go to school again god damn it trinity labman or something like that it's like it's like a dance school and now she's an events coordinator so money well spent education buddy that's what you you just gotta say you have it like doesn't matter what it is you just need to have it and you can get a job that's that's about right right three years of

gigging for dance school yeah three years of dancing and now she's on the computer organizing web events so you know it all paid off and uh oh she's also doing bar part-time on a sunday so we thought we'd go down there and and and i just got like a residual check from canada of incredible amount of money so i was like oh fuck we're on it i can go back to losing it all and lying to my family on a daily basis so so we couldn't so yeah we went we went so i went there and then and then plus we're gonna go on tour damn we're gonna go on tour because i rack up a fucking amount of debt before i go on tour for because you know you do the tour and then you got like... It pays it off.

Yeah, it's got seven months of... And dance school's not free, is it? No. Dance school is not free, Dan. Actually, that's not even true. It is in Scotland. And that's why there's shitty Scottish dancers. I mean, who's on Strictly?

Is there any Scots on Strictly? I don't even know. I don't even know. It's just frisky East Europeans, isn't it? Yeah, okay. Yeah. Call Sean Walsh. He'll know if there's any Scots.

If only it was a big lass from Dundee. He wouldn't have gotten all that trouble. Walsh. He'll know if there's any scum. If only it was a big lass from Dundee. He wouldn't have gotten all that trouble. Fucking kiss me, Sean. Not a chance. I'm sorry, Sean. I'm not. He's on a comeback anyway.

He's fine. He loves us talking about it, bringing it back up and throwing it in his face. Who doesn't? Everybody loves that. Is that the biggest mistake you ever made? You know, there's a guy who's divorced who can't see his kids in a Batman contest going, I wish I was Sean Wallace.

Climbing up the tower. Batman contest? What does that entail? I don't even know, man. Fathers for Justice competing. The winner gets a weekend with them. So London, London, London, before the tour. We are going to struggle to get anything out today.

It's just one of them, isn't it? There's so many dildos in this room. And I'm not talking about top yeah man because you were thinking at one point i we work together at hot water liverpool and you were thinking about maybe moving to liverpool yeah i thought that was to be a good idea man and then i realized you know i was sitting there going well I don't think that's going to happen. Because apparently all the friends I have mutually with the woman that I love dearly are all up there. And if I moved to Liverpool, I'd have a lot of friends and she'd be fucking lonely.

But she's got the dog. She's got the dog and a park. What more do women need? Hi, I'm Tom Stade for the Christian Right. Tom, you're so good. You've got a free-range wife. Really nice. Look at her running.

That's what she wants. She free so funny yeah man oh god so yeah so here's here's where it goes it goes so then the pandemic showed up which you know like is was it i don't know we're looking back on it like it's history now like when it first showed up you know what i mean first showed up everybody was like like in a sci-fi freaking you know mode like like proper 1950s sci-fi mode they all look like you know my wife every time an amazon order came it was like don't touch it get it with a stick it's here to kill us it's here to kill us these eight dorito bags they're here to kill us you know it's the only time I've ever washed fruit.

For the most part, like, you're always supposed to watch fruit unless it says it's organic. But, yeah, we watched fruit. And then it just came, and then we realized, oh, my God, this is lasting four months now? Like, I'm watching that check I got just fucking drain man yeah and no one was washing fruit in september no no no come september there was no precautions taken with delivery stuff in the delivery driver contactless delivery like don't give a shit I'll kiss you on the doorstep I'm so bored of you

were you washing your food? what? in your house were you washing the food? do you remember I was never that arsed about the old touchy touchy thing

I thought that was overkill I got it but I never so you wash fruit anyway no I mean like people washing like bags of fucking crisps

and shit yeah I think if you wipe something down anywhere like you know old ladies were wiping down, like, shopping trolleys. I just think you look like a fucking idiot.

Yeah. I know COVID's bad, but I just don't want to look that much of a twat. Says a guy in a bright orange hoodie. You know? So I've just got weird priorities. So I never got into it. I was going, what the fuck?

You didn't wash anything. Nah. I did quarantine some cans of Coke for 24 hours. Right. Behind the fridge. For 24 hours Right Behind the In the fridge Behind the chair Put them behind the chair In the living room

So that it didn't catch me Eye later at night And I'd be like I'll just have it Do you remember the You know The professor Whatever he was

They talked about that The government Had a big thing about it From down the street And put your cans Behind the couch And that's how they're safe No well I put it there

so that i couldn't like be like distracted by it because like i don't know about you i think this is like part of the fat man's manifesto you know if i'm trying not to eat something especially something that's bad for me they they start talking to me like if i've got chocolate in the cupboard and i'm on a diet i can hear the biscuits and i'll be like adam right we're in the cupboard in two episodes you you're now being talked to by cans of Coke, snacks, and your flat. You are going mental in such a high visibility way. You've got to cut down on that vape DMT.

The chocolates are talking to me. You're in the spirit world, Adam. How did you do, Tom, like told to stay at home like because because i well i was all right everyone suffered with it but i like i've known you 20 years and obviously it's just through comedy but you gig everywhere around the world yeah one of the best acts ever but like how was it when you were told to just stay in your fucking house uh i'll say this dan you're gonna love this answer i've never listened to a thing the government's ever listened to it in the 80s

didn't i i didn't need to kick because but i wasn't staying in i was out every day walking around. You know, I'd come back in. Trudy would spray me before the door. Like, oh, yeah. I just, I don't know, man. I'm one of the guys, I'm one of the guys that's like, you know, you're in it for yourself, Dad.

Like, I love everybody yeah but you know i can't stop everybody from being a fucking retard you know what i mean there's there's no doubt in my mind oh the wokeness showed up wokeness just kicked the door down did i hear somebody say retard fucking jesus christ sign him up for another advert guys this is how he makes his money fucking old Jimmy Saturday night light entertainment Tommy

welcome to the one show oh my god I would love it if someone had an interview with him and came Tom stayed the one show yeah it'd go well so early on in the sort of boom of TV comedy in King Tom's Day the one show yeah they go well do you know what I love though so like

early on in the sort of boom of TV comedy you did do a lot of stuff and I love that that's happened and then you've said so much

stuff that is proper funny that they can't actually put on TV and they've gone oh god because when they they've obviously had a meeting

at the start and gone right we're going to start TV comedy. There's going to be panel shows, live at the Apollo, McIntyre's Roadshow. Who are the best comedians in the whole of the UK? And everyone's gone, oh, well, Tom Stades,

obviously one of them gone, right, give him everything. And then there's Oxbridge TV producers going, oh no. Oh no, no, no. I feel that's hilarious i've never really looked back but now that i am like yeah that was crazy yeah that was like everything and then then you just like stopped and i'm like going was it something i said and

they were like yeah oh wow yeah wow. We were comedians. We were supposed to be inappropriate. We're not supposed to be inappropriate. We're supposed to tell boring stories that are barely funny. You get on TV and nobody complains. That's how I keep my job. You're not helping me keep my job. I'm from Oxford.

This is how I sound when I'm really angry. You know, but yeah, turn it on, man. So now I'm on the podcast circuit. This is where I'm gaining all my viewership. Tom Stade comic. Tom Stade comic Twitter. I cannot recommend this circuit enough. Yeah, it's awesome, actually.

It's much more fun. Listen, let me tell you something. You know before when you said retard, that would have been cut out of TV. We're going to make it the clip. Perfect, perfect. Bring it on, man. That's so funny.

Wokeness, you know what wokeness is? Wokeness is like the, wokeness is the same as the white man showing up in North America, except instead of like topics, if topics were Buffalo, you know, before the wokeness showed up, like in the 80s and all that,

there was like sexual assault jokes as far as the eye can see that there were rape jokes they're beautiful all of them they're And we'd just pick one or two, just enough to keep the village alive. You know? And then the wokeness showed up on the shores and just wiped all the shit out. Now we're just dining on cows. I don't even know what the equivalent of cow. I'll think about it.

Give me five minutes. But whatever. We're eating McDonald's now. We're not hunting our own food any... Thanks, Wokeness. What DVD did we used to watch on repeat of his? So I had a rare copy of a DVD you made. Because back when we were just comedy fans,

before I got into it and carl started running comedy club yeah it was it was uh it was filmed at the stand you know the one you filmed at the stand yeah yeah and you put the same it was you put two versions of the same thing out because you were like they're both very different because there was like a cunt in one of them yeah it had like the primark song in the end of it on the guitar on the guitar didn't i like did you yeah there's one of them yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a i don't remember that oh dude you didn't get to the end me and blaine just fucking around with the guitar let's end it with a song i can't believe I'm sat here with two musical comedians. What a great idea.

What not a great idea, looking back. Like the meat van joke is one of the most classic bits of British comedy ever. Oh, wow. It was particularly pertinent for me because my cousin, to this day, runs a meat van and has since I was a kid. I'm a legend to that guy man So that's hilarious That's

I'm honoured Oh like Steve So before me and Steve Were friends And he realised We liked comedy He was like Oh I like this comic

And he was like I like this joke And I was like Fucking of course And it was the meat fun joke Was it hard Because I remember Gigging with you in Manchester After you'd been on live the apollo was it live

the apollo or mcintyre's road i don't know there's just so many so many so many but it was one of those and the crowd were like the crowd were like in the meat van zone oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah were you did you find it hard to move on from that when a bit has gone like like massive like that it was is it hard for crowds to not be like are you asking me seriously dad okay yeah it is it's totally hard how do you walk okay i'll show you how hard it is man i went and i'm gonna really name drop one because this was so cool so fucking we went to uh kasabian okay like with liam gallagher and like one of my buddies is ian okay like i just fucking just for some reason randomly hooked up with this guy's like the thing and i watched them fucking just destroy hamden Park, man, with every fucking song. All of a sudden the place is going crazy.

Serge was so smart, man. He fucking played whatever soccer anthem for those fucking people were before. So before they even come on, they're singing the soccer anthem, and then he comes on with... The place goes ballistic. Now, if you took all those songs away, would it be that great of a concert? Do you know what I mean? Hello, Scotland.

We've got some new stuff. Yeah, I've seen that, and I fucking hate that. One or two. One or two or three. Yeah, from the new album. But it's not like that in comedy. You know that.

If I could rely on all my hits, do you know what I mean? And there's like fucking as it goes, you know, like some people got viral jokes, whatever. But I get quoted, Dan, like fucking, I get quoted Argos. I get quoted Primark. I get quoted Groupon. Mate, you get quoted in my head. Yeah. Men are physical. Women

are mental. Mate, what's the other one that pops in my head loads about that this is when I saw you at Durham Theatre 20 years ago. I was at the museum. I was at the museum and there was loads of

stuffed animals. And I was like, where did he get all the stuffed animals? And like, a lot of them are roadkill. I was like, well, who hit that walrus? Two guys on the sled like, poof. Fuck me, Tuk Tuk. What did you hit?

Was it Tuk Tuk? T Fuck me, Tuk Tuk. What did you hit? No, what was it, Tuk Tuk? Tuk Tai, man. Tuk Tai. Tuk Tai, that's going back old school. If you could do, I know that's such a great bit. Do you know what's real? If you could do the Rolling Stones as a comic, if you could just be like, oh, I've got a banger,

and then it just goes in. Like, you've just finished your special. Uh-huh. Done. You can't do any more of those what do you mean by that you did your special you can't do any I filmed the special Saturday

the act's in the bin I'm starting again oh okay yeah that's what you gotta do if you could do it like just build like Jerry Seinfeld just build and build and build and be like wow this is a 35 year old it's no way to run a gig where you have people doing their fucking concerts I mean you could do a gimmick show where it's like

you could book the best you could do a jimmy carr and go yeah you could go here's i'm so lazy this year i'm gonna rely on all this shit and do another bank run would you know the stuff would you know all the bits that like i feel like you'd have to relearn your own bits you would have to relearn them but that might be the cool part of it dan because it might be like like you know when you if you're a band you go oh man i've never heard that acoustic style before yeah yeah yeah yeah oh god man is is eric clapton that fucking racist you know whenever he plays that i forget he's a racist makes him the coolest white racist ever and i'll pay hundreds of pounds

but you'd find new tags and stuff you know what know what I really, really, really enjoyed one time? I don't know whether you'll remember this. Right. So, you know, Jason Cook and he's got the gig in South Shields. Do you remember doing the first night of it together? Yeah, man. So it was Dave Haddingham opening. I was in the middle and Tom's closing.

And you got an encore with what was essentially a new 20. Yeah. And you went on. And one of my favourite things about you and sort of generally sort of north american comedy in general is that there's a an attitude and a swagger with it that's because it's more honest than all these comics out there like i don't know how to be good with women and i fucking hate that i'd rather people just be like i'm fucking good at what i do there's a

reason i sell tickets and you encored with a new set and the first five minutes of your encore was you sort of jokingly berating jason cook yeah you were just going see jason i could have come out here and done primark and done meat van but i just keep reinventing myself jason and did that cunt ever learn i saw him the other day at that gig I'm getting myself jaded. And did that cunt ever learn? I saw him the other day at that gig. He opened by going, Tom was one of the first people that played here.

And I was like, was I? I've been high quite a bit, Greg. That's been a staple in me having to move forward yeah that's amazing man i remember that night yeah you bet i do i remember that very very well that was you were just starting at that time i just started getting a bit of like proper but i've been a fan of yours fucking seeing how we're jerking each other off. I've been a fan of yours and Dan's for a fuck of a long time, man. Well, that means a lot. I mean, I went, I mean, even I remember fucking Edinburgh, not even like two years ago.

I'd just seen you, man. And you were just everybody. And I was like, fuck it. You got to come like to fucking whoever the producer. I was like, this is your guy, man. And you were just, everybody, and I was like, fuck it, you gotta come, like, to fucking, whoever the producer, I was like, this is your guy, man.

This is your fucking dude, man. It was Anthony. It was Caveney. Oh, it was. Are you with him now? I've done it,

yeah. I've done it last year. Oh, cool, man. Yeah, yeah. Cool,

yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, yeah, that was sort of, it was actually the start of that. That's hilarious,

man. It's really, really funny. I do think, though, now that we've said that, the idea of that that's hilarious man it's really really funny i do think though now that we've said that the idea of doing a night of comedy where comics literally try and do their greatest hits oh that'd be amazing man i would love if i had the opportunity i would totally love to actually go and do that yeah all right well tom if you want to do it in Liverpool we'll sell the fucker out pretty quick

will you? I'm not as long if I just learn how much money are you going to make? if I relearn niggit mcchuck if I relearn

niggit mcchuckins properly niggit mcchuckins? yeah it's one of my best bits and also also bitch bitch lit the wall

do you remember bitch lit the wall? that routine goes exactly as you're now imagining it does. But I tried to do it at the Thank You Show, and I hadn't really, it's exactly what we're talking about. But unless you're Deliso Shaponda or Scott Bennett, who are like Stephen Grant, Filofax memories. Yeah.

Like once Scott Bennett's got a joke, he's got a joke. I'm like, mate, if I've stopped doing a joke within four or five months, it's out of my head. Oh, I forget. I even had jokes. If we were going to do a greatest hits night. Yeah.

And you, and you sold it as that, mate, it would be an easy fucking sell to our lot, especially because they're going to love you off this. Oh yeah. If they don't already. Well,

let's do it. But it would need, it would, I'd have to do some new material nights. Yeah. Of my old material. Oh, that's funny it, man. But it would need, I'd have to do some new material night of my old material. Oh, that's so funny. How good would that be?

New material night of old material. Get it, Ren. That's, oh man, that's a great idea, dude. Because Bitch Slit the Wall was called his. People have been able to see, like, 10 years ago was fucking mine. Who else do you ask to do that? Like, let's say us three do it,

and we want, like, two or three other comics. Who's got, even if it's just one bit and they do five or 10, you don't need to get people to do, because some people haven't got half an hour of greatest hits. But like. Yeah, because you can't ask everyone

because some comics don't turn it over. Still do it. No, they don't. We all know who they are. You know who you are. I see you every day. But you know what though? I'm not even like,

I'm not even like bothered about if they still do it. Like on that bill, you've got to try and get Phil Nichol to do the only gay Eskimo. Yeah. You've got to get him on to just absolutely. But he knows the only gay Eskimo. Yeah, but I don't care.

I just want to see it. I just want to see comics doing their very best bits they've ever done that I love. You should have been in Norwich on Tuesday. He was saying that. He was saying this on Tuesday. he was like shit i should be in north who i go on who from let's do it from people that have been on here okay who would you love let's get the list off glenwall glenwall oh mate glenwall's best everyone we've mentioned so far by the way is canadian that's weird right because they're all the giants when when i started out that was all the guys here campbell you sloth sean collins

sean collins let's get sean yeah uh manford manford with what what what's his bit? I like the ice cream van joe. Yeah, he turns them over quite regularly though, don't he? It's quite hard to find someone to... Steve Hughes. With his... Offence. To get him to do the offence bit again, man. That would be incredible.

Paul Smith. Paul Smith. To get Paul to do some of his old, old stuff. Yeah. Getting Paul doing his classics would be so fun. some of his old, old stuff. Yeah. Getting Paul doing his classics would be so fun. Yeah, it really, really would. Okay.

Even like getting the I'm Offender bit, which has gone viral like hundreds of times, not just with millions of views, it's got hundreds of uploads with millions of views on every single one of them. It's one of those timeless bits, though. Like, that's a timeless bit. Yeah. Like, they're going to look at my old shit like it was...

That's what we used to talk about in the 50s. No. No, I'm teaching men. Of course not. Do you know the bit we're talking about? Steve Hughes' bit. I've seen Steve Hughes loads, but I haven't seen him for ages. So his routine is about people

being offended now it doesn't matter but it's so simple it's like when people are like I went to the comedy show and I was offended it's like

right okay nothing happens and then I got leprosy it's not like you wake up the next morning and it's like I was offended and then it turned into leprosy

you don't see me calling I even know it you don't see me calling I'm offended I'm offended every time I see boy bands on TV you don't see me calling. I even know it. You don't see me calling. I'm offended. I'm offended every time I see boy bands on TV. You don't see me calling the cops. Yep, there's four of them. Yep, they're dancing.

Looking like fags. Yep, that's them. I'll meet you down in the parking lot. I'll be the one traumatized. We'll get a bill together and we'll do it. We've got to get Steve Hughes on this cow I'll be there new material

of old material yeah best old business that'd be really fun actually it'd just be so I just want to know if I could do it

we need to find a park for Trudy though we'll find a park for Trudy we'll release her out there she can be our diversity book

and is the black lesbian I think she's already been signed by Avalon. She's already hosting the one show. With the dog. Yeah. It's all about the quota. You know what's not on the quota?

Talent. Nobody ever puts talent on the quota. That's hilarious. Why is it the Canadians are always the ones where, yeah. I think the most quotable, like comic legend stories. Yeah. Tom and the fucking, all the Canadians. There must be something about coming out of that scene

that only the lunatics made it over. The high quality lunatics and i remember driving to a gig with you in middlesbrough and i drove the whole way it's the middle of summer and you were on great form i think you'd had a few cans in the car i drove us from manchester manchester railway station to middlesbrough i got out and i put eye drops in just because i had allergies and you were like that's right dann I had allergies. And you were like, that's right, Danny. Never let them know you're high. You just assumed that I was stoned.

I was like, I didn't want to. And this is how much of a pussy I am. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I didn't want to say was like, the pollen counts a nightmare. I was like this and you were like, fucking yeah, Danny. That's right, Danny.

No one calls me Danny. That's right, Danny. Never let him know you stole. Fucking snorting Puritan. That's like one of my fucking all-time rules. I don't even remember that. Tom, do you not think they've got an inkling? Oh God, that makes me laugh.

Never let them know you're high. Oh, fucking for the whole career, dude. The whole career, man. But, yeah, oh, my God, that's hilarious. That's when you introduced me to drum and bass, man. I don't know if you remember that. See, my big one with you is like, how do you listen to this shit, man? And you're like, fucking Tom, you've got to listen to it, man.

And I'm like, okay, that's it. Boom, boom, boom. boom boom and you're like yeah we're raving in this guy's house and and then the drum and bass came on until about five four and five six in the morning i'm like there's no buddy singing where are the like how can you just dance to beats Fucking how can you just dance to beats? I need to learn. You're like my daughter at Trinity Lab. Yeah, yeah. What is that?

40 beep beep beep beeps? A minute, second? Yeah. It was rarely the lyrics that kept me going until 6 a.m. No, it wasn't. Hey, never let them know you're high, Dad. I don't think Dad was there sober either. My God, that guy loves music. Do I take the little fucking blue triangles

or is it the pink ones with the stars? Which one's the one that's going to make me touch shit? Oh, my God, that's just so soft. You know, I've got in the habit recently, and I mean, like, in the past, so it's a couple of months. Do you know, when I get home hammered, I've started listening to, like, music when I get in,

but it's, like, love songs and songs that I really like the lyrics of. Yeah, you got in the stag do, you got in bed and put Wagon Wheel on full blast. I woke up. It's a country song. Rock me mama like a wagon wheel. When he got in bed And put it on

I just I just turned my hand And went Turn that off Right fucking now When I'm hammered I just I get in

I sit on the I poke up on the couch In my jeans So many times This year You Your neighbours must Fucking hate you

Here he comes Whitney's on Came back from Pogues Fucking smashed Playing Celine Dion Fucking hate you. Here he comes. Whitney's on. Came back from Pogues. Fucking smash. Playing Celine Dion. You're here. As long as... I don't think people...

I don't think there's... In the flat right next to mine, there's no one in it. So I think I'm sound. You're on the end, aren't you? I'm on the end. I'm right on... I look out onto the front, don't I?

Yeah, getting back smashed, it's just best to just go the fuck to bed. I'm impressed you listen to country the end, aren't you? I'm on the end. I look out onto the front, don't I? Yeah, getting back smashed, it's just best to just go the fuck to bed. I'm impressed you listen to country music. I love a bit of country music. Man, that just shows you're older than your time, buddy. Because I've just got into it too. Been to Keith Urban three times. Tell me the story of my life, Keith,

because I can't bear to write it myself. It's the least subtle lyrics of any genre of music. And that's when I killed her with a fucking gun. Hit word murder. Hit word murder. I killed my wife with a gun. If you're not getting some of the nuance in this song, I killed that bitch with a gun. If you're not getting some of the nuance in this song, I killed that bitch

with a gun. Three shots in the head, in the head, in the head, in the head. The bitch was dead. She was dead. With a cold beer in my hand.

With a cold beer in my hand. And blue jeans on. And a soft look in her eye. And me and Aaron are just fucking grooving. With a pickup truck. And her tied to the bonnet. Fucking brutal.

I would like to describe drum and bass, but I can't. That's the meaning of my life. Just a blip and another blip. Right, cool. Well, let's go to one each.

Let's go to a country western night and then let's go to a drum and bass night and I'll bring the supplies. Okay. You bring, you bring, you bring a gun. Either this year or early next year,

I'm flying to Nashville. Jack Gannis. Country music. Okay, that sounds good. You come to Nashville with me? Yes, mate. We're going to go to the Super Bowl, aren't we? Somehow we just match them up. What's that? I good You come to Nashville with me? Yes mate We're gonna go to the Superbowl

Aren't we? So how about we just match up? What's that? I wanna go to Nashville And watch Luke Combs Who's a big country music artist Yeah yeah yeah I wanna go to Nashville

And watch him Yeah do that Totally do that Yeah Leave Dan behind It'd be better if I drag him Oh that was hilarious I'll just go to Bristol

To a drummer base Fucking take the blue triangle for Luke Combs. I'll tell you what. I'll take the drugs that I would have taken at drummer bass at a country night. I'm going to fucking give that bitch three times in the head. I hit my head.

I shot that bitch in the head. Everyone get along. everyone get along if I take enough drugs I love all genres of music yeah that's true what would be great is if you did your own

silent disco so everyone else is listening to country music but you bring these and you've got drum and bass on pilled up the way you just danced there

I've never seen at a country show though do that like you would get beaten up is he doing the robot fucking i just shot my wife in the head this might be the cunt to fucking sleep with her just say i'm special look if i wear this hoodie you'd be like you'd be fine it's our special mate Nashville yes please yeah yeah you guys

you gotta go man just get off the side America great time to go right now yeah yeah it's a great time to be there just don't get an abortion don't get pregnant

yeah don't get her or do get her pregnant oh I meant one of us get pregnant oh Jesus because they they really you know well that could happen they frown upon that especially down south Or do get her pregnant. Oh, I meant one of us get pregnant. Because they really, you know. Well, that could happen.

They frown upon that, especially down south. He's gay and he killed it. Oh, my God. I want to kill him twice, buddy. Mildred had me the Uzi. Oh, Mildred. Oh, Mildred. me the Uzi Oh Mildred Oh Mildred Holy fuck man Can I get a water

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So we've hung out a few times, Tom. Yeah. As a lot of your fans will know, you are partial to a bit of the old hot. What? That's crazy talk. How dare you? This is why my career's ruined. It's this guy.

Get around the thing that I'm unreliable. Totally reliable. Never let him know you're high. Never let him know you're high. Now I let everybody know. There's one night I'm thinking, like there's one we'll get to in a minute that we just mentioned briefly off camera. There's another one. So I don't do weed that's all it's just never been my thing but me you and a couple of other comics one night we're at the birmingham glee club and you were like

don't you ever go this and one of the other comics went don't adam because he gets this shit off the army oh yeah but there's nothing worse off the army there's nothing worse than telling me not to do something yeah so i literally it was like a weed vape yeah yeah i had like three little sucks on it and i don't think i said another word for two hours no you did not you were like you sunk into the couch give this guy a pill. I don't understand. I've never understood that. Why, you know, in my older years, here's the truth. I've adopted a George Carlin attitude on weed.

Sunday punch-up time. The rest of the days, I'm like going fucking. Because I was saying, because I made it to 50. I want to keep on going now. Fucking, I'm retiring. I feel like my party legend status, before we go, and then we'll, my party legend status, I play professional party at the highest level.

Like, at the highest level. Fucking no doubt about it. Fucking put people to bed. World Cup appearances in your 40s. Yeah, yeah. Breaking records. Yeah, if I see some of the kids, like, I don't play professionally anymore. I'll fucking, you know, shoot a few hoops with you.

Do a few testimonials. Yeah, dude. I'm mostly on the talk show circuit now. But, yeah, man. So, but in the fucking heyday, what you had smoked wasn't even over here yet. Because the one, like it was, you couldn't get what I got you that day. Because you guys in England, like most of you guys would just be like, oh, I got some pot off my buddy.

You know what I mean? Or there'd be really good pot. But this shit was coming, what you smoked was coming over from California and Colorado, like scientifically tested by people who care. You know, not just, hey, I'm really good at growing wheat. That's what he smoked. He smokes that shit.

Yeah, man. So, yes yes but there's just something there's just when when you're in that environment like i've had fans give me the most fucked up shit ever man like like they would drop me one guy gave me can i yeah i guess i can say whatever fucking. Hey, these are long gone stories. Fucking, I remember a dude give me a ball of speed that fucking big. And I didn't really know what speed was. Because I'm not a big chemical guy. Do you know what I mean? I've never really been into the eckies like all the kids, all the eckies.

I've always been a pot smoker. Oh, if you give me a little bit of acid i'll take that give me some mushrooms i'm all over that shit but yeah so all the stuff they give me and then i met the dude he was a he was a fucking reggae uh guy band guy and he he introduced me to that stuff and the stuff that you're talking about yeah the first time i ever did that actually was like fucking because it has names to it you know what i mean you know shit's getting real when it's like fucking orangey porngy or you know fucking maui waui i think was one of them here i'll check my list. Hold on. It's not like Connick doesn't John Lynn's show. Hold on. There's a great one.

Here, hold on. Just a sec. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, see, this is where you go to the thing and you still got a menu, man. It used to just be Afghan Black was, like, dead exciting. Yeah. I love all the names. That old school.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. You want to hear all the names of all the shit you could get okay house blend that's what you smoke house blend yeah like that's like that's like your start of a 10 it's like a breakfast tea now you can have gelato ice cream unknown dutch haze what dog lemon celico blue jellica illuminati dog grapefruit illuminati dog sounds like the fucking shit that yeah that's when i call craig campbell up and go you were right about everything what was the next one grapefruit that's a bit of a come down from

illuminati dog isn't it yeah listen we've got two we've got illuminati dog or grapefruit it's literally grapefruit it's really good for you it doesn't get you as high as the illuminati one but you know yeah good for rickets the last thing i was the last thing i had was Jaffa cake Pistachios And biscotti Oh Nice And Dutch amohash

Alright good Because the first three minutes Sound like you've gone for ice cream Down on real front With your mum I had I had mint chocolate chip And rum raisin

And a waiter And Dutch amohash Can I have Dutch amohash In a cone please Two of those Can I have Can I have cookies and cream and I'll have some strawberry and some Illuminati dog?

That's it. I didn't know that one. I'm a fellow citizen, you know that? Yeah, yeah. Good one. Yeah, man. My most memorable night with you was this was at least a decade ago now yeah man this is

this is when before this was before paul smith was there yeah so paul smith opened for tom yeah just at the slaughterhouse in liverpool tom i think you were doing like a preview in fact it was definitely a preview. Yeah. Because, so afterwards, John Lynn's there as well. Paul's open. Tom's done his show. I've gone down to watch. Yeah.

And halfway through the show, and you've got to understand, this is 2011 or 12, right? And I'm brand new to comedy, right? I'm stood at the back, and there's a little curtain and a staircase that leads from behind the bar in the Slaughter right? I'm stood at the back, and there's a little curtain and a staircase that leads from behind the bar in the slaughterhouse. I'm stood at the back, and I say, because John Bishop had walked in, right?

Because he'd heard the show was on. He was in town, again, because he doesn't live in Liverpool, and has been for a long time. He was in town recording This Is Your Life for the bbc and he had the night off so he's like oh tom's on i'll go and watch the show so he comes and stands in afterwards we all go up to the the main bar of the uh the slaughterhouse pub and we get we're getting really drunk this was so funny right so it gets to the end of the night and uh the guy's like oh we've

got a shot and you went to the bar give me a, and the guy's like, we've got to shut. And you went to the bar. Give me a whole bunch of beers. You were like, I want two. Just give me two cases of beer. Yeah. And they were like, right, we'll give you it literally for cost, but just take it now and leave.

Yeah. So I take both cases. You've got your bag. John's got it. I've got a hold of both of them. And their hotel is right next door. Yeah. And we walk in.

It's Paul who runs the club, Tom, John Lynn, Paul Smith, and John Bishop and me, right? And we go to walk in, and the guy on the desk goes, you can't bring your friends in and have a party. This is a boutique hotel. It's not happening. And Tom goes, we're not going to be drinking or anything. We're going upstairs to watch a video.

Of what I've just done, because i've got these comics here and we're going to help me write the next uh show so we're just going up there to watch it and as soon as we're done we'll come right back and the guy goes but there's six years and he's old and 48 years it's a warm night yeah so then he then clocks John yeah Bishop and goes

right look I know who you are you can all go upstairs but you can't make any noise because if we get complaints from other rooms or whatever

you just like we can't have that so please go and behave and we were like yeah if you could have put your thumbs up but you were holding two crates I was like

yeah yeah so we go upstairs and like the the window's open people are smoking out the window and there's I think there was even a balcony

everyone's got their beers we're just sitting around and we're talking and we're laughing we're literally watching his his preview though to watch and make notes and whatever

but we are just chatting and talking shit and whatever else as well so the first time the phone rings and we answer it he's like yeah look

we've had a complaint from one of the rooms saying you've been very very loud and you need to quiet down how long did that take oh I've got to say

20 minutes and that's ambitious so we're like yeah yeah we'll keep it down he's like you're going to have to because you know I've got to say 20 minutes. And that's ambitious. So we're like, yeah, yeah, we'll keep it down. He's like, you're going to have to because, you know, you can't keep going like this. We're like, yeah, yeah. Another X amount of time later it rings again.

He goes, look, guys, this is literally your final warning. The next time I will be coming up the stairs to ask you to leave. Don't do that. And we're like, mate, honestly, we'll be absolutely fine. We get what you're saying. We understand we've crossed the line. We'll see you later. But everyone's fucking stoned and pissed off to death at this point. And the video's done and we're all just sitting around talking shit, making each other laugh and being

cunts. So then the phone rings again but we don't answer it. We're like, he's just going to say the same thing so just fucking ignore it. And then maybe a minute later. That's our respect level Maybe like a minute later It's just on the door I'm like oh fuck

And John Bishop goes Pants down And just answers the door and goes And the fella goes Mr Bishop will you please keep the noise down he goes yeah yeah not a problem they never came back up again john bishop got his dick out yeah man his absolute man pipe out yeah yeah his dick looks like two cans like two knees never mind a can of sneaks like that yeah yeah yeah yeah i was pretty impressed bam that's it yeah

yeah even even cooler than that cooler than the well oh god oh god yeah there's a lot of powdered jizz in there that's i think that's when we all realized who the alpha male was oh it was so funny yeah i. Yeah, I was like, I got to move you out of here. You got to go now. You know, before it was fun until you put your cock out and made me realize that there are better men than me. Does he want to be here?

Yeah. Oh, what a night that was. That was so funny. That dude, I keep thinking to myself, the fuck did he go down to the, like when he went down to the desk, go, what happened? Did you tell him to shut up?

I'll tell you what happened. I just saw John Bishop's biggest cock in the world. That's what fucking happened. And I bet you he still tells that story to this day every Christmas. Brian, you're cutting the turkey. Tell the story when you saw John Bishop's cock. Because if I'm like, he's that famous,

I'd be like seeing, you know, for you, you know, I didn't see Liam Gallagher, but I saw his dick. You'd be telling that story every fucking day, man. Hey, what's happening? You took it. Yeah, hey, what's happening, man? Not much. I'll get a pack of smokes,

50 grams, and fuck, I'll tell you about John Bishop's fucking massive ding dong. Not again. Not again. You gotta stop coming to this petrol station. It's like seeing Bono's dick, isn't it?

Yeah, man. Speaking of which. Oh, hang on. Tom, have you got a story about... Oh, I got... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one was my favourite, man. Well, not my favourite.

That was one of the ones that I could remember, Carl. Come on, let's hear it. Fucking, we're sitting at the Q Award. If we're doing big time fucking dicks raw big dick fucking rock story like so we're sitting there i got it's the first time i'm going to do the q awards man okay and i got the joke for it you know what i mean the joke i'm gonna do and it's like uh it was the and we got our health. Fucking, you know, nobody sings something. Like, in front of, like, rock legend fucking God. Like, Chris whatever from Coldplay.

All these guys. And I got to give this award to Jesse J. Right? Jesse J. Does anybody remember Jesse J? You remember old Jesse J? And I'm not talking to Cowboy either. Yeah, she was shot by the coward Robert Ford.

We're always in a band now. Country band, Dan. You'll love them. So I go up there. There's a whole bunch. So I go up there. I do that joke. I go, you know nobody sings songs

for guys everybody's whatever and we gotta place just fucking erupts man like fucking like there's there's certain moments

that you're like going wow that really worked out for me that day many did not but that day

was mine right is that an old bit that you don't do anymore? Yeah, that's the greatest hit. No one makes songs for old guys like me anymore. It's like, we've been together for 10 years and we've got our health. Very funny. Yeah, man.

I can't afford to leave you now. All that shit. I can't afford to leave you now. All that shit. Jessie J comes up, and I forget sometimes musicians are so serious. Do you know what I mean? Some of them are really serious. Jessie goes, oh, my God, you know what?

She whispers, I'm going to sing a song for married people. And not even irony. Like I thought, oh, she's teasing me and then i look you know when you look at somebody oh this is serious oh okay okay that's what you've inspired me i'm gonna sing a song for old people thank you you changed everything for me jesse j that's when her career went to That's when her career went to shit. Her career went to shit.

This one's for Tom. Oh, dude. So we go back. I'm riding high, man. And we're sitting next to you two. Like, we're sitting like fucking, my table's here. Fucking you two. Bono's right here. Edge and whoever the other two fucking dudes are.

I've never bothered. They've never been promoted enough for me to know. So they get awarded the whatever, the greatest band in the world fucking award on the Q Awards. And so we all stand up. Everybody's standing up. And I put out my hand and Bono shakes my hand and i'm like that's cool you know what i mean but then i left it out and the edge walked by and he looked at my hand and

he went no and then just walked by and i'm like did i just get fucking did i just get fucking edged out by the fucking edge himself? I've just been ditched by the fucking edge, man. That meant more than the Bono hand. I was like, fuck, Drew, did you see what a cunt that guy was? And she was like, yeah. And I go, awesome. I wished I could be that big of a cunt. One day, I'm going to get as big as that guy.

Because just him being a cunt to me was one of the coolest things. Fuck. And then the other three, just three. I don't know. I'm sure he wasn't listening because she was chatting up Jeannie yesterday. Yeah. Hi, Sophie. Yeah, bro. wasn't listening because she was chatting up genie yesterday yeah hi sophie yeah can i tell you how big john bishop's cock is i've never seen it but tom said it was going on about it yeah man if you've ever been ditched by somebody fucking

massive it's like it's like this honor, you know what I mean? Like, it's an honor. You're like, whereas Bono will shake anybody's hand. This guy's selective. I wonder whose hand he would shake. If I walked by Suggs and went, no, no, no, no. Madness, what was that? Our house, not like. At least he didn't do that one though

through his fucking tea cozy yeah that was wild man that was we got some questions just for you tom from some of your fans guy blackett says ask tom about you don't know him all who is he's called guy guy guy blackett oh maybe i do okay okay wow your fan base has gone to shit he's like which one oh guy guy yeah guy blackett ask him about his collection of little bonies yes with a b oh my little bonies i know what he's talking about. My little bony. Yeah.

It's a new joke, man. He's asking me about a new joke from this show. We talk about old jokes here, guy. We don't burn current material. We can remind each other of Tom's bits from fucking ages ago a soon to be classic guy a soon to be classic

in 10 years this will be on new old material but yeah so fuck you guy we're not answering that question because it's not ready to be talked about yet. You'll see it on tour, Guy. Here's what I will say, Guy.

If you saw it, it's already gotten bigger. That's right. There's a little... Guy will know what I'm talking about. And I'm going to say, not only is there one little bony, there's now five. There are five little bonies.'s like a teaser isn't it yeah

yeah tom where can you get tickets um you couldn't see now see before i was too cool to be a shameless marketing but now in my 50s i'm ready to sell 50s i'm ready to sell you're tommy's on tiktok yeah i i if you want tickets you go to tom stayed com tom stayed.com because somebody fucking stole the other one and is posing as me on the uk.co one fuck fucking you look it up i don't own it but they think it's me and then so yeah but go to the tomstade.com and i got a really cool updated website that's not you what no not the not the uk one dot co.uk is not the real tomstade not me That's not me. It's not me. Is it just a picture of John Bishop's cock? It looks like yours. Yeah, no, and that's not mine.

Let's see. Is someone running a... Yeah, that's not mine. And then put on tomstade.com, and that'll be mine. Mine looks way cooler than that fucking poser. Imagine if he started listing tour dates that you're not at. Yeah, that'd be hilarious. In Scarborough.

There you go. No. That's the one. Oh, yeah. That's the one. That looks way... So go on that one there, and then in the Tom Stagg comic,

or follow me on TikTok or Instagram. I love how much it's pain in Tom to do this. Follow me on all the things I couldn't give a fuck about. Live your life, you cunt. You doing the festival? You doing the festival, Tom, yeah? Yeah, we're going to be up at the festival. The new show's called The High Road, man.

Nice. It's got a double meaning. Because that's what I like to think about when I do show titles. I want to be interpreted in different ways. Is he taking the high road because he's the high? Or is he smoking weed on Sundays? It's one of those tricky things. So, yeah, the

fucking My Little Boney joke. In fact, I think I'm opening with it. I opened my last tour show with my favorite bit on the whole set and then hated following it. Yeah, that's the worst, right?

It wasn't even the bit that you were supposed to go first. No. It's just when you go and do all the circuit shit and you're practicing all the things, you start realizing one just keeps coming up more than the other ones. So you have more faith in this one. And then it's like I've got a lot of weak shit right now that i really in fact after i'm done this i'm gonna go perform that weak shit in

congleton and then eat more find out if the congletonians that's a great little room oh dude i hope they're gonna like my bid on Holland and Barrett supplements. Because I've got a really big one with Saw-plemento in there. Because I don't think anybody does a joke about Saw-plemento. At least I've not heard of. Anyway. Tomstay.com. Tomstay.com, yeah.

Yes. Let's do some have a words. It's why we named the podcast Okay So we're trying to you know Give advice Some people are asking for help We just We end up slagging off

Either the person Who sent the email Or The person who the email's about Okay Matthew Lasky says Wagwag Leagues I need some advice

Stroke Have a word I've been living with my housemate Who's an actor They take all their roles seriously And they've recently got What they think is their I need some advice, stroke, have a word. I've been living with my housemate who's an actor. They take all their roles seriously and they have recently got what they think is their major breakout role in a theatre production where they play Henry VIII.

This dude's playing Henry VIII. The only problem is he's a method actor. So when we are living together, my housemate wears all the outfits, talks in this shit accent like he's from that era and even keeps a worse health care routine he hasn't properly washed for a week the production is only going to last for a month but he's getting on my fucking nerves what should i do so that's from matthew

lasky who is living with a twat living with king henry the eighth wow wow when he starts be adding with King Henry VIII. Wow. Wow. When he starts beheading women. That's the line, isn't it? That's the line. Yeah. If Matthew Lusky is Catholic. If he starts beheading women, that's when.

That's where it's got to go down. But also remind him that doesn't he eventually get like scurvy? What's the one that you, where your toes hurt? He gets gout, doesn't he? Gout, yeah, yeah. He just gets a rotten leg, yeah.

Yeah, so just hold out, just hold out. Watch a lot of porn in your bedroom while this guy's out and about in the kitchen not eating enough fruit and drinking, eating too much meat. Is that what it is? Yeah. And maybe what you should do is fucking look up henry the eighth like actually look him up and

go oh so you're henry the eighth huh fucking i want to see you eat two tons of fucking beef yeah where's the mutton yeah where's the mutton man give, where's the mutton, man? Give me some mutton. Like, really pull them in on it. You know what I mean? Like, are the shoes, didn't they wear? Yeah, the corn shoes. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they used to wear cock pockets, didn't they? Cock pockets.

What were they called? Cock pockets. Cock pockets. It's really bad just out of the toaster. Oh, my God, my cock pocket. Oh, that's Pop-Tarts. I was being silly. Cock pockets. All right. Yeah, they warmed up your head. Oh, that's Pop-Tarts. That's what he said. Hot Pockets?

Oh, right. Yeah, they warmed up your hands. What do I mean? The codpiece. Codpiece, yeah. The codpiece. Isn't that a euphemism for a vagina? That's a cockpiece.

Get your codpiece out. It smells of fish, doesn't it? Oh my god. You're a class act. I just want you to know that. Listen. Who has ever called in a codpiece? It smells of...

I called a lady's vagina in a codpiece recently. Codpiece? Why? In what context? Was it a meet and greet? I'm not signing that. I just said I love your codpiece. She said nice one.

Okay, cool. Nice to meet you. Who's my second cousin? Genuine question. What do you think of method actors? Do you think it's a bit overkill? Or do you think it's a legitimate way of acting? I think if you're a good actor,

you should just be able to just turn it on. You shouldn't have to do all this shit. I think if Daniel Day-Lewis, who is pretty much regarded as one of the best actors of recent times, gets into a character so much that it affects his mood around the house. And when he was doing Bill the Butcher as part of Gangs of New York, there was points where someone's written about this where his wife felt genuinely scared of him in places

because he'd gone to a dark place. But he wasn't being henry the eighth around the house like this guy is a fucking bell with any like like he's just a knob but i get the psychology of a method actor who's like if it's a very intense deep role they're not like yeah brilliant let's play cluedo on a fucking sunday afternoon oh it's raining outside then get a nando's like he gets so into the fucking role that he starts Daniel Day-Lewis

no but I mean he starts getting so into that role that it affects his personality I could see that I think it makes him a twat to what level do you do it then? what do you mean? what if you're like a mechanic on Hollyoaks?

yeah just pretend to be a mechanic all day well at least I could believe that a mechanic would be living in a one bedroombedroom in Liverpool. Henry VIII not living in a one-bedroom with a roommate. Yeah, Henry VIII didn't have a flatmate. Although that would be a funny sitcom.

I think that would be a great sitcom. Henry on the eighth floor. Yeah, Henry VIII. Get it made. One of the cartoons. It's all about the king. He finds a DeLorean and he tries to make his way

in 20th century. 21st. Wait. 21st. I think they're all twats. All of them. Because like, Karl makes a good point

if Daniel hang on no he doesn't yes I do no no you don't because you don't need to be a method actor if you're playing a mechanic

on Hollyoaks no but here's the question it's not the same thing here's the question no one's going hang on we'll give you the job in Hollyoaks

but have you studied Stanislavski oh no I've not we're not going to give you it's just a fucking shitty role on Hollyoaks why should it be though here's the question

if Daniel Day-Lewis got a part in Hollyoaks next year. He'd shoot himself. He'd kill himself. He'd throw himself off the eighth floor with Henry. As a mechanic, would he go and work as a mechanic for the bit? Right. Yeah, but the thing,

there's only one Henry VIII. Yeah. So you could study that. You couldn't study a fucking mechanic because there's too many different kinds of mechanics out there. What if the mechanic on Hollyoaks was based on a famous mechanic like Kevin Webster? Ooh, good point, good point.

Tell you what, some weird writing on Hollyoaks. They've written a new character that is another character from a soap opera. Lazy fucking writing. What's the new character called it's called kevin webster and he's a mechanic but we're looking for pretty serious method actor he pretends to be kevin webster in real life no i i get i get it they it does sound a bit cunty but we're talking high-end shit aren't we for like major film roles. If you're on Hollyoaks

or you've got a month-long run at some amateur dramatic performance of Henry V, chill the fuck out and play Cluedo. But here's the thing. At what point did Daniel Day-Lewis start doing that? Has he done that since he was like Hollyoaks level and amateur dramatics level? I don't know.

He went to a... Did he go to the old... did he go to the old did he go to the old vick i think he was the dick in the apartment i totally think daniel would have been a dick and i wouldn't have wanted a room with him i think he went to the old vick in bristol and i think it was all if you were there in the 80s i think it was all pretty serious method acting stuff yeah so he lived method actor the most measly roles ever yeah what does the other guy do though what does he do there's there's the other one what is uh okay what's his roommate okay we know he's an actor but what what's the guy's name

chris yeah uh matthew yeah what does matthew do yeah i mean i could make it up right now sorry let me just read the end of this I'm a mechanic oh he's a mechanic and he spells it with two M's because he wasn't concentrating he's fucking Welsh I'm a mechanic

what if there were two actors though what if Daniel Day-Lewis was in there okay I'm gonna play Max Webster and you're Henry VIII. Go. Whatever. Who's Henry VIII's enemy? Start playing him.

The Pope. The Pope. Yeah, start. It literally was the Pope, wasn't it? Yeah, start. Start playing the Pope then. Go out and do it as well then and start fucking punching his head in.

That's the advice. Yeah, that's what the Pope did. Punch his head in. That's why they weren't mates because Henry VIII, this is how the Reformation happened. They went on the piss and the Pope smacked him and he was like, that's why they weren't mates because Henry VIII this is how the reformation happened they went on the piss and the Pope smacked him

and he was like that's it I'm divorcing my wife and leaving the Catholic Church it was all because of a piss up classic

it's great I love it when we do history start being the Pope in the house that'll do his head in more I bet you there was more to it that's actually kind of good

yeah that's actually kind of good be Prince Philip of Spain just really fucking counteract cunt with cunt. Yeah. I need another Lemsick. I'm so ill. I've laughed so much in this podcast so far.

It's made me feel more ill. Yeah, I feel a bit. I don't feel right today. Tom, you've been too funny and it's affecting my health. I thought laughter was a good medicine. Maybe you may feel bad, but your cancer's cured. Didn't even know I had it.

Come on, McMillans. Try harder. Stick on a fucking comedy DVD. Hi, this is another... Chemo's not working. We're going to put an episode of Have A Weird on and hope for the best. This is from Susie. Hi, can you please have i am not even joking you can we can fact check this hi can you please have a word with my friend of 26 years we've been mates 26 years called joanna and let

her know she's not 25 anymore she's been single for about 10 years now and constantly moans that no one wants her. She's 51. Wow. Of all the ages that she could have been. And she loves roaming around parks with a doc. No, I'm joking. She's still trying to meet guys online

doing dating apps and everything. And they're in their 20s. I don't get that. No, I get it. Like, I get it. Like, I totally get it. She says, bless her, she's got the mind of a 25 year old but

unfortunately not the looks i'm not being awful about her she's an amazing lady but won't admit she's aged and these lads she's going for are 25 years younger than her yeah but at 25 you don't care what the fuck it looks like like it's it hi i'm tom and i'm a misogynist no like at 25 you don't really i mean if i if i go back to my younger days of sleeping around i could possibly be quite embarrassed on but they you know what i mean like so yeah is she wrong maybe her friend should step up to the fucking plate and start sucking some 20 year old dick with her and and if she's 51 i'll say this i bet you she's pretty good do you think is that not right i reckon not only is she pretty good

yeah I reckon she's specifically good at sucking 25 year old dicks as well that's what she's going for because she's been doing it she knows what her skills like

let me just pause the pot what is the difference between a blowjob for a 25 year old and a blowjob for a 40 year old what do you mean well you said

she's specifically good at sucking 25 year old dicks do you like the exact same stuff now that you did 15 years ago? Blowjob-wise, just in the mouth. Wow. How boring. Yeah.

What do you think blowjob changed? You talk about property prices while you're noshing me off. Fucking cheeks. Yeah, you got cheeks. Tap it on the head. Put it up your ass a bit. Put it back in your mouth. I don't hate you that 25, but now I love it.

What position is this man in? No, you wouldn't know how to do it at 25. Yeah. That's what we're saying. Bit of a face fuck bit of a face like 25 you're still a little self-conscious at 50 you're like yeah yeah that's 50 this is this is 25 maybe maybe 50 is like how many can i get anything I get. She knows her way around the cock. Yeah. Also, I can speak for the 50. You are? I can speak for

our generation and I'm here saying that your friend is fucking awesome because if anything happens, I will be

that guy on Tinder trying to fuck 25 year old girls. Okay? That's how creepy i could get and i'm also saying right now trudy is saving you young ladies at 25 i'd have been banging to this a 51 year old wasn't to smoke me off so i think what would... Would you call... How old are you? How old are you? I'm 30 now. You're only 23. You're 23. Would you call her?

Oh, he's picky as fuck, man. Yeah, I'm a bit picky. The only people he'd fuck are like really attractive blonde girls or Liam Gallagher. That's pretty much it. That's the standard.

So the mate is writing in going, listen, I love my mate, but she's 51 and it's not happening and she needs to sort of adapt to being 51. I can sort of see this. I feel like it's not happening and she needs to sort of adapt to being 51 i can sort of see this i feel like it's a bit of a cunty email at first read like it sounds like she's

going mate she needs to grow up if you've got a 51 year old mate who's on dating apps only going after 25 year old dudes it is a bit like reverse nonce in. Yeah. If she's only going after them, yeah. But if it's like, oh, the odd one in there, fine. But if she's going, I want a 25, it all just goes like... Yeah, if she's got her Adrian John Tinder set from 25 to 25, that's weird. She's not looking to, like, marry them or anything, I don't think.

Yeah. I think the gist is she's sort of stuck in that oh this is what I like do you know what I mean like she's almost stuck in a bit of a you know how people see themselves yeah like well no when I'm young

this is what I like but you're like no but you're 51 mate you've sort of got to adapt into it I've actually got I actually know what like this resonates with me a little bit with one of my mates.

What if you're attracted to 51 year olds? Yeah, that's the argument, isn't it? That's a problem when you are 51 though, isn't it? It's like, yeah. Well, what would you say if I was single and I started dating a 23 year old? You'd all be, you'd murder me. Yeah, I'd be like.

Oh, you'd celebrate. Go on, Danny. Never let him know you're a pedo that's what the eye drops are for i don't know it would be a bit of a pat on the back but then it'd be like you can't start a relationship though you know what i mean like there's there's like the one night standee things but yeah if my daughter showed up with a 50 year old fucking dude i'd be like well i'd have to i'd have to have a word i'd have to have a word with the guy i know i know what you're doing

and the fact you're even eating dinner with me disgusts me oh that would be so brutal a guy a guy that you probably have the same taste in music as yeah can i have a word with you in this shed jeff yeah and he's like this is quite a shed you're like fuck you you're right and thank you it is and i've worked really hard on developing it yeah and i do brew my own yeah beer thank you for that compliment but fuck you yeah man yeah that is oh that's so tough man

all the pants I don't know I think you've just got to let her that is like she's got Peter Pan syndrome if she's getting A's and the people who she's sleeping with are getting A's

because they like older women then leave it to her yeah what about those ones what's the what's the cut off point what about the guys that like the older girls

definitely the older girls? Two consenting adults. Yeah. They'll fucking do whatever she wants. Crack on. Yeah. All right, cool. Once it gets down to 15s.

So cool. That's a problem. That's what I draw the line personally. I'd never speak to it again. Oh, no. Here we go. Tom, you've accidentally kicked off a pretty hardline anti-pedo who has managed to make me and Carl look pretty liberal

on the whole nonsense thing. I just fucking shoot you in the head when's the 16th birthday next week you're dead i've written a country song about it he was a pedo and i shot him in the head um i am actually mentally and physically done and i want to call time on the pot is that okay yeah all right tom stayed you were going straight in the have a word hall of fame you absolute legend oh cool man and i loved it man when does your tour start september uh it start okay yeah let me plug do i get to plug that shit i'm doing it i'm doing it yeah it starts right after the the aug, and then we go into September. So follow me on the Twitter, TomStadeComic, or on Instagram.

Can't remember what the fuck that one was. Can you find his Instagram and put it on the screen? It'll be in the episode. Okay, on the Instagram, whatever shows up, I'm there. Tom, if you're going to do the pod circuit, you've got to get better at these things. Or maybe my cool. The most important thing is tomstade.com that's where all the live dates are we've got that up before not tomstade.co.uk which is a shyster shyster um what yeah have we got any have we got any little press oh I'm doing the last new material night before I

kick solely off into one man shows it's at the Edge Theatre in Manchester it's in Chorlton we did one in May that was

absolutely superb Mick Ferry is coming to do some material so tickets available in the link and then from there on

in till the end of the year it'll just be one man shows previews, and tours. I have no tour dates left, which is fucking brilliant right now. There's a couple of things. So on the 6th of August, I'm doing an hour-long show in Dubai. I know we've got some Dubai listeners.

Tickets for that will go on sale soon. People were messaging me about that because we mentioned it last week. It's not on sale yet, but it is coming. It'll be all over social media, and it'll also be plugged on here the one that i need to plug there's it's melbourne hall in derby uh which is a massive stately home they're doing a three-day comedy spectacular event and i've been booked to headline the first day the thursday the 14th of july tickets very possible um and i uh alf Brown, who co-hosted last week, he's on the same night as me.

That's at Just the Tonic. So if you Google Just the Tonic Comedy, the tickets are on sale there. Thursday, the 14th of July, a stately home in Derby. Please go and get tickets for that. I won't be handing you with dates for the rest of the year, but they are paying a premium for that one. I absolutely will.

If you could buy some tickets for Sandbach, I'm doing a preview in August. He's selling tickets in Dubai. I'm selling tickets in Sandbach near Congleton. Fuck my life, right? Yeah, it's pretty cool. And Finn is now bisexual and wants to be...

They've changed their pronouns to they that's what you wanted to announce also they have a new song out oh you knew it was going to be me I didn't know you'd realise that this week's artist of the week is me so check it out

Nepotism it's called I Think I Do came out on Friday all All over social media. Share it. Ask for it on your radio stations. Do me a favour. Cheers lads. I have a feeling this one's going to go right to Spotify.

Thank you very much. I've also had a couple of people message me about last week's special film and ask them when it comes out. We don't know yet. It's going to be edited later this month and then we're trying to get some cunt to buy it. But we'll take it from there.

It'll be out probably in September, I think. And I'm going to start doing some new material next week. I'm really excited. I'm excited. All right, lads. Bye. Thank you, Tom. Loved it, man.

Bye, Felicia. I just had to take a couple pics from my socials. Just don't ask him what they are. Take what you want if you need it. I know it can be hard to find. Rearrange all the things that you're feeling. I want to play on your mind. Not the sort of thing I go for.

Time will see you through Here in the moment I want it At least I know I think I do But you still feel it in the morning Like you're running out of time We make it for the last train Well I meet you at the end of the line Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh the last train Well I'll meet you at the end of the line I'll meet you at the end of the line Take what you want if you need it

Nothing's here for too long Can you feel it slipping through your fingers Better grab a pocket Fold Not the sort of thing I ain't go for Time will see it through Here in the Moment I want it

At least I know I think I do We're used to feeling in the morning Like you're running Out of time We make it for the last train. Well, I made you at the end of the line. I'll meet you at the end of the line I've had trouble sleeping lately I've been feeling things that I shouldn't feel

Feel I've had trouble sleeping lately I've been feeling things that I shouldn't feel Feel Will you still feel it in the morning? Like you're running out of time Will you make it for the last train? Well, I'm meeting you at the end of the line Ooh, oh-oh-oh

Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh Ooh, oh-oh-oh I'll meet you at the end of the line