Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #18 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 28, 2020

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Thank you. Okie dokie, pickin' a pokey. Good morning, job seekers! Oh my god! Okay, it's happening! Catch me outside, how about Dave? Is that Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here.

Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word, Shut Down Dailies.

Let's get through this mess together. Here we go. Oh, my God. It's Shut Down Daily episode... I don't know. Is this the sixth one we've done? Yeah. I think it is, yeah. I mean, people have been locked down for a lot longer than

than this haven't they some people have been self-isolated for like two weeks we get messages from people like oh guys thank you so much i don't know what we'd do without you and i now i'm getting an appreciation for them because we shut down work-wise two weeks ago but we were still dicking around we weren't self-isolating like we have been properly isolating since old bojo nasty bitch shut us all down yeah and basically you coming to record the podcast has been the only other human contact and some angry people at the fucking co-op who have been like you like treating like they've just shat themselves like get away you dirty fuckers do you know what i'm thinking and then i do i'm i'm starting to get a little bit of that like oh god here's my wife again here's my brother-in-law oh this child why

don't we make two children just for a bit of variation so i don't want another fucking child right now so no of course i don't so day six of uh the shutdown dailies is like day 14 of people's lockdowns so i don't i don't want to be too terrifying for people, but if this virus keeps mutating and goes on for a long time, this might be the closest thing in the near future. This might be how all people meet up for a chat. Yeah, this is how you're going to meet people online, this is how you're going to have sex with them,

and this is how you're going to do your wedding, via Zoom or Skype. It's the happiest day of my life it's it's like an episode of black mirror it really is i've had tweets about that uh yeah we're not actually on a break but um steven's internet's down so we can't see each other at the moment we're just you know it's really difficult um yeah so i do i do do you know i'm taking the piss out of the people at the co-op but this morning i went for her because we did the sandwich challenge and i was like oh shit i've like challenged people to do the sandwich challenge and in my head i was like maybe that'll be bullshit and then people from america sent pictures of sandwiches so i was like

jill's sandwich that she sent in jilly bean one, another contender for Hall of Famer down the line. She sent an amazing butty in, mate. If you start it off and you're like, yeah, we'll just do this little competition,

you're like, this is just, because we talked about sandwiches and then someone's like, here's my sandwich in Texas. I'm like, shit, get your head in the game. So I went to the shop

and I do actually feel like, I'm not saying the full-blown ledge of the days but people who work in shops who have to work in shops it is a bit of a shitty deal in it like everyone's like clapping for the nhs like you're amazing you're on the front line well behind them on the second row in the in the line is people who work at co-op like what? I'm on minimum fucking wage selling national lottery tickets to fucking morons shouting can you keep a distance please

stay away from each other Jesus it's, they look pissed off if you win the lottery at the minute you just get 80% of it up to two and a half grand I've won 20 million, it's like, I've won 20 million. It's like 2,500, dickhead.

Yeah, and you also, you can't get the novelty check. I'd really, I'd want the novelty check. I think that's half the fun of being a lottery winner, isn't it? Just winning the check and standing there like a twat. Half. You think that's half the fun? I don't know about the lottery, mate. The big check is equal to

the 150 million. No, you're right, to be fair. One time last year, a well-known comedy club accidentally paid me for a weekend twice and that literally felt like a lottery win. I was like, oh yeah, that's amazing.

To be fair, no. You didn't? No, I didn't. Did you tell them? To be fair, no. You didn't? No, I didn't. Because they make... Naughty bitch! They make bank, and they've been underpaying me since about 2008. So I was like, nice bonus.

I'll take it. Unfortunately, it didn't come in a novelty, like large check. Hey! This one's a big one. Must be a comedy club being morons. Yeah, so to be fair, if you win like 10 million,

it probably isn't all about the big novelty check. Do you know, have you heard my theory about the lottery? I don't know. I'd win the lottery and then just keep it secret. I wouldn't tell anyone. That's not a theory. Why would you do that? That's not a theory, is it?

Yeah, my theory is you shouldn't tell anyone. You should win and then just fucking not tell anyone. That's not a theory. That's an opinion. I thought you had a conspiracy theory about the lottery where they were just dragging people out. I was having to hold the check, Brian, say you've won it and then shooting them yeah a theory where's the cash it's just down there like in goodfellas you're just just down there keep going to the left and

then there's just a fucking grave loads of like prosecco flutes thrown in after no all right my tactic my tactic for winning the lottery is going to just be sit on it so no one comes out of the fucking, you know, like the woodwork, like, oh, hi, Dan. And here you've got a little bit of a lottery win. Is it not going to be apparent, though? You're not going to start buying some fancy shit?

Yeah, when I turn up to hot water to do a middle 20 in my gold suit. Your gold suit in a Lamborghini. Where's Dan got his entourage from? I got me jungler's money. The D, the R, the D, the D, the Y. These cunts, fucking hell, he must be being paid twice accidentally all the time.

And Laura's got three tits. That's not how boob jobs work, is it? You don't just get extra boobs? I think it would depend on how much you're willing to pay and how much your wife loves you. I think they would do that for you. A third tit, that's got to be an easier job than fixing two of them. The thing is, just getting your wife to get bigger boobs has been done.

If you're going to spend that EuroMillions dollar, I think you should make her get more boobs. Back tits. Not bigger boobs, yeah. So when you're doing doggy, you've still got tits? Buy your beard, back tits. She'd have to wear like, you know when people are like travelling and they've got a backpack on the front and a backpack on the back.

She'd have to have a back bra and a fucking front bra. Yeah. Oh my God god i'll just tape the whole thing around yeah i'd keep it to myself i don't even know if i'd tell laura i just let her have two tits and just get with it i wouldn't be able to keep it to myself me i'd be extravagant with money i'd be bowling but do you not think it'd affect your comedy? Because famous comedians who are rich, everyone's like, yeah, you're rich because we love you and you earned it. But if you won the lottery and you're like, hey, look at me.

I don't think people would like it. No, I think you would lose some fans and your comedy would suffer a bit. But you just have to lean into it and keep the fans you can keep. It'd be unavoidable. How do you mean lean into it? Just play to other lottery winners? No, I just mean like own it. Just be like, yeah, I won fucking 150 million, didn't I? But I'm still here, Spikey Mike.

I'm still at... Hey, and also, Patreon, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be signing up to the Patreon. It's 35010. You've won 150 million on the Euro. Shut up. Still, you know, I'm working hard on this podcast. Dan's got a shitty mic and Adam's got a gold mic.

And Jade walks past with six tits. Front tits, back tits and the two on her knees. Oh, you're not going to get knee tits, you animal. Why not? Where else would you get? I'd get tits on back tits and the two on her knees. Oh, you're not going to get knee tits, you animal. Where else would you get? I'd get tits on my dick. I'd get dick tits. I'd make someone get tits on their tits.

Like normal boobs but then another little set of like midget boobs on the boot oh fuck i've gone mental you have gone mental um do you know how much i love this podcast adam that i get to say through really futuristic technology to a man in a different part of the country i want i get tits on me, dude. I get tits on me, dude. How's your day been? Because this is the first 24 hours, isn't it, where you haven't had me coming to break up the monotony of having just your missus and your kid?

I'll be honest, man. This is why I spoke to someone who went, God, yeah, you two. He's a fan of podcasts. He's a mate of mine. He's actually my mate from Newcastle who's a DJ. We gave him a shout-out a few episodes back. He's called DJ Felix Leiter.

He listened to our Hack Radio pod in September. He listened to my first four Hack Radio pods, and he went, yeah, mate, it's not going to work, but get Adam on. you need to do a podcast with him get some regular features it's so fucking funny you will smash it and i in my head i was like no i still think i can make this one work but i might speak to adam and he and he was bang on right fucking yoda yeah the guy's got the guy's a visionary um you know you must he's also he's also one of them people that swears in a way that is just like we've been mates about 15 years and i love a swear

but i know when not to swear like you know when people are like oh well you swear too much like i fucking love a good swear yeah what the fucking fuck flap i think was my one the other day yes but i can turn it off like if i'm talking to my 94 year old granddad and i'm not like all right cunt do you know what i mean like i like a swear but not all the time i used to go to restaurants with ben and he would literally be in zzz's next to some grandma's birthday the full family are there next to us we're having like we're having margarita and he's like oh fuck me i was absolutely off my fucking face i was like okay yeah i'm more than him to be honest with you i love it to be honest my social behavior especially with me best mate come on oh you're not uh you're not an aggressive

swearer like that oh oh he's there hi we've had our first little glitch there. We had our... I thought the internet had like... I thought you'd started swearing. The internet was like, you can't hear this, Dan. It's awful. You're not allowed to swear in public, though. You've never done it with me.

No, but I'm just... It's when I'm with Carl. If I'm with my best mate, especially if we're drunk. Like, do you remember... I don't know what the... It was your era Grandad Daniel was. Do you know

Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow? I'm aware of the work of old Dick and Dom. Do you know of the bogeys game? No, bogeys game is beyond me. I was aware of them, I didn't know the accent, you know, the intricate details of it. So kids would do this in school because of Dick and Dom. The idea

is you've got to say bogeys um but the the louder you say bogeys the more you're winning whoever's said it the loudest is winning so you'd be like in class your teacher's writing on the chalkboard and someone would go bogeys and then someone go bogeys you know i mean getting louder and louder and louder me and carl did that at three o'clock in the morning in a Chinese restaurant in Liverpool, but changed it to Boners. Boners! Boners! The thing is, though, you know why I don't mind that?

Because it's a Chinese restaurant in Liverpool City Centre. At what time? About 3am. I'm talking Friday lunchtime ZZ's. Nana's birthday is just like a meter and a half over. 3 a.m. in a Chinese state. No one in there is going, excuse me. Hey, no.

Come on, guys. You're fucking signing up for prawn toast and borderline racism there, aren't you? That should be the name of this podcast. Prawn toast and borderline racism. Anyway, Ben was like, yeah, he's been listening to this one and he loves it. that should be the name of this podcast braun throws the ball to the line anyway ben was like yeah i've been he's been listening to this one and he loves it shout out ben dj felix leyer and he was like guys you sound

so much fucking happier than every other comedy podcast i listen to so i think we've just had a good run of it i've been you were saying how you feeling today I woke up this morning pretty tetchy

I'm getting that sort of like a little bit of cabin fever and that's not no judgement on Laura my wife my brother-in-law you just I'm just starting to clock it

but then also exactly like you said there's a little bit of judgement there isn't there no no don't lie it's not them if you no but if you could But then also, exactly like you said... There's a little bit of judgment there, isn't there? No. No, don't lie. It's not them. No, but if you could tell them to just fuck off for an hour and a half and go for a walk, you'd do it.

Yeah, but my... Exactly. But my family doesn't trade like that. So if I did that, that would be out of the ordinary. And that could be a major problem. It's not like an hour later I get back that could be a major problem like it's not like hour later i get back and everyone like oh forgive him that could be like the next fortnight of like passive aggressive like what the fuck was that about but yeah i just feel i feel a wee bit

touchy and then i was a little worried i was like shit this is our first one remote yeah i'm worried that i'm not going to be on form and as soon as i started doing it i'm like oh thank fuck i get to do this bullshit. Yeah. At least once a day we get to lock ourselves in our little man caves and just have a little... Yeah, well, I'm in the studio. Where are you? Where is your man cave?

Where have you set up? This is my little makeshift studio and it's going to get a bit better over the next week or so. Get some posters and shit on the wall. It's going to look good. And then when we actually start putting the videos back out, it's the office in the house.

So we've got an office, but it's very cluttered with a lot of our crap, to be honest with you. We're hoarders. And Jade tends to use it for a lot of it. You're not, are you? We're not what? You're not hoarders, are you?

Not like Channel 5 documentary level, but we have got a lot of crap we don't need. Look, it's always newspapers, isn't it? And if you just come round this pile of newspapers from 1993... Look, it's bad, but Stacey Dooley's not interested in Pop and Rap. Yeah, it's not like, guys, if you got them round, they'd be like, yeah, this isn't a documentary, you just need to fucking do a tip run.

That's not the same thing. What do you hoard? It's just crap, yeah. Look, there do a tip run. That's not the same thing. What do you hoard? It's just crap. Yeah, look, there's a lamp here. Can you see? Like, the listeners can't see this, but there's a fucking lamp. That looks so like a bonk.

Hairspray. Jade doesn't use hairspray. That was mine from about two years ago. That's still there. Oh, memories. Memories. There's all sorts of crap

looks good though me and jade had an argument earlier over who owns the headphones that are in this room but neither of us

wanted them they're your headphones no they're yours well why don't you go to the tip oh shit we can't yeah fuck

well why don't we just put them back where they were not reckon the tip's open not reckon that's essential I don't know your gauge them back where they were? Not reckon the tip's open. Not reckon that's essential. I don't know.

Mate, your gauge of essential is fucking all over the shop. Mate, it's definitely not essential. I was good yesterday. The chippy by ours was shut. Oh no, now, to be fair, it's like they don't even know you. The chippy was shut. Can they not do special delivery? Special what?

Special delivery. You definitely put a W in the first one. No, no, no, no, no. You said the withery. No, it was the internet connection. Mate, come on. You said the withery, didn't you? Order!

Order! Order! Come on, I took your order. Order! No, I think it was just the internet connection. order come on I take your order order no I think it was just the internet connection they've closed the chippy they've closed the

fucking Kate Amms chippy oh fucking hell that must be such a they must have looked at your house and been like in tears

going oh Christ the villa I hadn't been for like two days so I think maybe they just thought well if Adam's not coming

it's time to it's time to shut up shop they were like this motherfucker died of coronavirus and there goes our business what um how what are you going to eat then

if you how often do you get the chippy come on and this is no judgement because I love a Tommy takeaway how often do you go in the chippy this is bad okay look the chippy is probably like once a week

but there's also machis and kfc and shit on top of that i reckon normally like i'm eating less takeaway now that we're shut down normally i have three or four a week. Yeah. Like minimum. And sometimes we'll do a full week of takeaways. Yeah. I think it's when you're on the second one in the day, innit? Because I'm like, it's fine, I go jogging. When was the last time you went jogging? Three weeks ago.

How many KFCs have you had this week? I jog to the McDonald's. Oh, KFC is a twice a week affair for me. Yeah. What do you get? What's your KFC order? Zingertown burger meal with a flaming snack wrap on the side

because I fucking love that spicy meal that's in the flaming snack wrap. Do you get a box meal? What side do you get? No, I'm not a box meal guy. Zingertown burger meal and then just a flaming snack wrap. Do you get a box meal? What side do you get? No, I'm not a box meal guy. Zingertown burger meal and then just a flaming snack wrap. You go to KFC

and you don't get the gravy. I'm not a gravy, man. Oh, you little lunatic. That's what you are. A psycho. Hang on. You just fucking admitted to the world

that you have basically half a kilogram of corned beef in a sandwich. Yeah. So don't... Just because the gravy... I'm not signing on to gravy. I don't know whether you noticed.

I'll reveal this now because this is not going to go out till tonight. And obviously, it's getting my tweet interactions that I just put a little red herring in it. So I said, I've listed my whole sandwich and then said I've got a raw potato snack on. Did you see that bit? Yeah. Well, that's not true.

I'm not just chewing on potatoes. I just want to see how many people are like, did you just say a raw potato? Yeah, but do you know why that didn't even register with me? Because this is what I was going to do with the sandwich competition. I was going to try and print off a picture of Freddie Quinn and then do a video and be like, the looks good let's see what's in well i don't know what feeling this is and go who the fuck is that guy and then i was like i'm i'm almost stopped i

had to stop myself because i was like that is bullying freddie via a sandwich which i mean how much how creative do you have to be to be a bellend? When I saw the potato at the side of your plate, I was like, Adam's a comedian. That's him being funny. There's a potato. Like, if anyone's like, oh, lad, bloody hell there, lad. I know you said, hey, you've got to do more with your crisps there, lad. If anyone has gone on your Twitter to say that, shame.

Shame on you. We've already had a couple of people say, is that a fucking raw potato? Oh, fucking hell. I knew it. Get people. Jesus Christ. Fucking hell, that's not very good. You're as gullible as anyone. No, you can't be talking shit. Yeah, I know

when a raw potato is not a fucking snack. I know you at least need a deep fried potato. Mate, you've never eaten a raw potato. I nearly said you've never eaten a raw potato is not a fucking snack i know you at least need a deep fried potato mate you've never eaten a raw i nearly said you've never eaten a raw potato in your life you know what i'll take that compliment thank you daniel no shit what a fucking bell sniff oh my god how are you doing man like you've you've asked about me, which is very kind, and with the love of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I will get through this.

How are you doing, man? I'm all right. My anxiety's been a bit... Oh, by the way, I should probably say this. I've had a shit ton of messages. You know when we talked about the health anxiety a few episodes ago? A lot of people were really happy about that. So I just want to say thanks to people

who sort of said thank you to me because it was nice to know that people appreciated it. I think you're very... I think being on this podcast, we're trying to make each other laugh. We're trying to make the people who are listening laugh. But at every point, we're being honest. That's why me admitting that I wanked on a national express

i mean by the way no one got in touch about that no one was like dan thanks so much because i've been i've been wanking on buses for years and i just thought it's great that someone else has been through it with me everyone was like you're a fucking animal and you should stay in your house this coronavirus is good for you stop getting getting public transport. But I think people respond to the honesty of it and I think that was a genuine moment, wasn't it? Yeah. So, full disclosure, my anxiety for the past 24 hours

has been a bit off on its arse, to be honest with you. So, my breathing's a bit shit and because of that, I'm coughing. But they're like faux symptoms. I've got no fever and it's not like a... It's a voluntary cough. But yeah, my anxiety has not been good for the past day but other than that tell you what we've got we've gone up the gear haven't we we've gone up the gears by isolating

now we've basically read the government guidelines you've been self-isolating we've been self-isolating here and because of the podcast we had some like branch of normality and then because it's the right thing to do it's the right time to do it we've we've isolated like separately we're doing this remotely and all of a sudden are the one constant we've had for the last couple of weeks from gigging is gone and it's not gone completely because we're still doing this yeah but we're looking each other through this is like what if i get done robot if I get done if we have to do this from prison and your backdrop is grey bricks it looks like you've been done for being a nonce

I hope we still get to do a podcast sorry go on I interrupted you that was not fair what were you saying but yeah to be honest I've got some really good news I won 8 games in a row on FIFA last night But yeah, to be honest with you, I've got some really good news. I won eight games in a row on FIFA last night. So I'm on flying form on FIFA Ultimate Team.

So that's just given me a real boost when I needed it because team morale was low for a while. I was on some bad form on FIFA last week, but it looks like fair play to the board for sticking with me, letting me manage this team through a rough patch and it looks like we're now on course to have a good weekend league I think you know

you're a young talent you're a young manager you know and they've backed you and you've gone through a little bit but you're basically you're Eddie Howe

I love it how you're like I've got anxiety I've got breathing difficulties yeah but at least I won a few games on FIFA so I've got everything in perspective FIFA's my break from anxiety

when I'm playing FIFA me breathing and everything else is fine I'm not coughing and I'm not breathing badly because I'm distracted me brain's like taken away

by the game because I'm so competitive I really wish my 94 year old granddad could just you know had the fucking dexterity to play fifa i he is the most sport obsessed man ever he's got sky sports he's literally like you know everyone's dream of like you know in friends when they had the lazy boys and the tv he's basically that's been the last 15 years of his life my dream for our for our have a word studio long term i want two big lazy boys for lazy boys and since they've turned the sport off i mean my granddad is 94

if you if you like drew a danger zone my granddad is his fucking lazy boy is in the middle of that danger zone like corona danger zone and there's pop right in the middle and that danger zone, like Corona danger zone. And there's Pop right in the middle. And I ring him. He's like, how are you doing? Like, oh, bored. Oh, it's boring. I was like, I feel like going, motherfucker, you could die. He's like, you've turned the Premier League off.

I've turned the bloody Premier League off. And I realise now, because I ring him, we have chats for 10, 15 minutes. I didn't realise this at the time about 12 minutes of that was football so i'm like we're ringing how are you how's that to everyone how are you doing i'm like yeah fine then we just literally chatted sport he used to talk nfl with me just because he knows i'm into it now that's gone i might happen to ask him about his feelings

and it's fucking awkward how are you feeling how are you feeling what are you talking about can you imagine my 94 year old girl i go should i be a bender he would though of course it's like there's 84 how old is he 94 hey this is the guy and he was like well a lot of rubbish of rubbish. He doesn't talk feelings. Yeah, 94-year-old men. Any man over the age, I think, of 45 has got no idea how to talk about their feelings because they were never taught. Oh, my God.

And over 60, but over 90. You know when people are like, you can't go near your granddad because you might give him COVID-19, he might'd like i could kill him with just one hug if i embraced my 94 year old granddad and held him and went quietly really sincerely went i love you granddad he would cringe so much he would stop existing he'd be like fucking hell jesus christ why men die younger Because we just suppress our feelings constantly

We're just a ball of fucking anger and hate Let it out I think you and I are from a generation Well I'm from the generation above you But I think I'm way better about talking about my feelings We've got to be good about talking about feelings We're doing a fucking podcast. You couldn't have done a podcast in the 50s and 60s

when these were growing up. They're like, hello, this is a podcast. What have you been doing? Raising a family like a real man. End of podcast. Where do you masturbate? I don't masturbate anywhere. I have sex twice, two children,

then a heart attack at 42 have you had a wank yet that's a yes isn't it yeah i did yeah where did you do it in the marital bed i went i'm having an early night she went oh you deserve it love you're tired i went i'm fucking sorry i'm really sorry as i did it i felt guilty didn't stop me though did it did you take tissue with you or did you wipe it on the sheets oh come on adam we're talking about our feelings no i did i took a little bit of tissue but then i'm i just i just sort of flick it under the bed it's always brutal in the morning if i'm still in bed and laura round my side of the bed and she's like, what's that? I'm like, oh God. I always get up first usually.

Why don't you just go and flush it? Take it to the toilet straight away? No, because you're like, what I do, this is my bedtime routine. Go and brush my teeth, get myself ready, get in bed, have a little like, have a little shuffle, little fucking dirty shuffle and then I'm finished.

I don't want to get up then. I'm in my position. I'm happy. I'll have a little clean up. Pop that in the morning. Get rid of the biochemical waste. See, I don't use tissue. I've got a teddy that I've had since I was a kid, and I just wipe it on that and put it back on the shelf,

and then Jade knows no difference. She's just like, oh, is that just the teddy? Krusty the teddy. It's actually a Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons. Is it? Yeah, yeah. Krusty the Teddy. It's actually a Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons. Is it? Yeah, yeah. It used to be a lion. Now it's a snow leopard.

Oh, God. Dan, we're half an hour in and we haven't started. We should probably start. Now it's time for would you rather with your favourite morons Adam and Dan it's time for the would you rather

section section time for the would you rather section section I have got an erection erection for the would you rather section. Oh, nice. That was a sexually threatening rhyme.

That's nice. You did that. Little Miss Muffet sat on a toffet, sucking my dick for days. Oh, Jesus. Hey, I'm going to A little bit of a shout out To Tom Segura Who we mentioned

On the podcast A few podcasts ago We are going to do Some top fives Probably next week Aren't we We're going to prep Some top fives

Top fives Top five Netflix specials Yeah Top five Comedians ever Oh we'll save that We'll save comedians ever for like a live show or something because that's a big one there isn't it yeah yeah and someone people

have been sending some really good top fives you've got any top fives you'd like us to do we're going to prep those to do them properly yeah can i just say at this point adam's competitive and he loves a league table as a watford fan i, I'm not as bothered. Can I just say at this point as well, as often as you can, we do read all your submissions. Can you email them? We're getting so many and it's dead hard to keep track of on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and stuff. So if you've got any submissions, if you can,

just get them into haveawordpod.gmail.com. If you can't be bothered doing that, you can still send them in and if they're good, we'll get round to them. They're more likely to get lost if you go instagram twitter facebook because we're getting messages from from other stuff on that as well so someone tweeted like how do i send how do i send the the email i'm like we mention it all the fucking time have a word pod at gmail.com it's just you're more likely to get it to get it through aren't you absolutely shout out to tom segura and christina pazitsky who pazitsky that's it uh who do your mom's house which is uh a really great podcast now we started doing

would you rathers and then i did a deep dive into some of the old Your Mom's House podcasts, and I saw they don't do it very often. I didn't realize they did it. They did Would You Rather with Bill Burr. Oh, really? Yeah, they had Bill Burr on. So if you, this is, in no way have we meant to plagiarize this. I've been listening to Your Mom's House

since like November and pretty intensely and they haven't done a Would You Rather in all that time. And then I went and watched the highlights on YouTube and then all of a sudden old Billy Redballs is on and they did this Would You Rather.

So I'd like to do it for you, Adam. As a Bill Burr fan, you smoked a fucking cigar with the man. Would you rather have to run everywhere or shout when you speak forever and that's it you could you can only do one would you rather i'd rather shout when i speak defo like look at the fucking size of me i can't be running everywhere i'm an ass when attack every 200 yards no but that's the the thinking isn't it if you had to run everywhere you'd get fair i wouldn't because i just wouldn't go anywhere

i'd just be fat and loud every time you needed the toilet you'd have to run to it although to be fair you've got ibs i do that anyway that'll come in handy but yeah no i i could deal with having to shout I shout quite a lot anyway but shout hang on you've always got to shout so you've like always got to shout so if you're

trying to do like you're in the shop and you just want like an old lady you know what I'm doing size 8 I want a size eight have you got these in a double xl thank you that's brutal and say you go down to london to watch hamilton with jay and she's you know she's she's just, she has that moment, you're getting the tube back to wherever you stay and you're just like, just having

a quiet moment on the tube and she's just like, oh, Adam, I love you. I love you! That's a lot, innit? That's a lot. It's a good job you don't do drugs because you would be a fucking nightmare trying to buy drugs like

HELLO I'VE GOT THE MONEY I'm still picking shouting man I can't be doing it I'm running everywhere me you'd never be allowed to go to funerals though would you you'd just have to not talk at them it's just so sad and it's fucking tragic are you telling me that you think the shouting thing affects funerals more than the running thing does so people are slowly walking with

a coffin into the church and you're fucking sprinting past the pallbearers you think that's better than just not talking for a bit? If you suffer from this affliction where you can't walk or do anything but run, you're not going to be asked to be a pallbearer, are you? That's not going to be like, well, Adam's got that thing, hasn't he?

You know, since he's lost all the weight, he just runs everywhere. Well, yeah. At my funeral, even though we're super close, no one's going to be like, pallbearer. Plus, you're short

so I'd be fucking sliding to one side like Ishan Akbar's mum I have to I have to say the shouting running everywhere is just fucking

that's just a nightmare isn't it it's mental yeah I'm going to shout me we got more would you rather you got more would you rathers? You got more for me, baby?

May I have... We've got people sending them in, and then I think of them. Adam Rowe. Daniel Nicengale. Lad. The captain. Yes.

Would you rather have two... Now, this is just... Take a break from all this fucking pandemic malarkey we're just talking in the real world before the upside down and it's going to go back to normal so not right now but would you rather have 200 000 pounds cash no it's not cash. It can be put in your bank. Tax is paid. You don't have to... I've got so much money. You're going to be like, where the fuck?

Yeah. Or £20 million, but you can never leave Wales. It's called the off-guard I wasn't expecting that to be the caveat £200,000 you can live your life Comedian I'm taking 200 grand man

20 million you are you're literally that's a lot of money that's like servants money plus Wales I mean where are you living in Wales like if it's Port Talbot that's essentially 2 billion pounds

20 million because you could get you could buy part of Port Talbot. Look, I'd do the Wales thing if they reopened Rhyl Sun Centre. Rhyl Sun Centre? Do you not know of Rhyl Sun Centre? Oh, my God. Tell me about your Scouse holidays. Yeah. Rhyl Sun Centre was, like, the best sort of leisure centre swimming baths in the world.

That's where we used to go. Like, have a weekend, we'd drive down to Real and go to Real Sun Centre. It was fantastic, but they shut it. You've got 20 million. How much did Real... That could be your house. Just a private Real Sun Centre. Have you opened Sun Centre again?

Yeah, but no bastard can go. I don't want the admin involved in running it plus I want the atmosphere of everyone else being there I want real Sun Sensor to be up and running and then I'll maybe

consider living in Wales Wales is Wales is beautiful man absolutely beautiful yeah but it's got one proper city yeah it's boring Cardiff's great

yeah but yeah but come on any Welsh listeners I apologise but 20 million's not enough to just have to be confined One proper city. It's boring. Cardiff's great. Yeah, but... Come on. Any Welsh listeners, I apologise, but 20 million's not enough to just have to be confined to Wales for the rest of my life. You can't go on holiday.

I can't go on... You can. To Anglesey. Can't go abroad. Can't do gigs outside of Wales. Fuck that. No, 200 grand's well enough. Do you think you'd...

Do you think if you... You'd still enough. Do you think if you'd still gig, do you think you'd learn Welsh and do like what Tidder Owen does? What a fucking darlads. Yeah, no, £200,000 please, and I'm staying in West Derby, Liverpool. Hey, Wales, mate, I'm coming for you. £20 million, I'm done. My wifeby, Liverpool. Hey, Wales. Mate, I'm coming for you. 20 million. I'm done. My wife would be fucking fuming.

You basically live in Wales anyway. Chester's basically Wales. Yeah. You see, the Welsh border is from my house in Sorghal, is honestly a mile down the road. People would be like, it's bullshit. It's less than a mile before it's like welcome to Wales yeah

but once you're over that border I can never come back over so it's not the fact that Wales is right there it's that from here I'm allowed to go

you know fucking east yeah do you know Chester FC you know their football ground Chester Football Club yeah

one of their corner flags is in Wales is in Wales like the Welsh border cuts right through the middle of the stadium isn't that crazy club, one of their corner flags is in Wales. Like the Welsh border cuts right through the middle of the stadium. Isn't that crazy? Fucking, you must be a right laugh at a pub quiz. Oh, fucking.

I can't believe 20 million. I thought I'd get you on the money. No. 20 million's not enough. Go on then. What do you think your price is? I don't know. I don't think I want... If 20 million's not enough, how much more money do you think your price is I don't know I don't think I want because if if 20 million is not enough

how much more money do you need what do you need to be doing like like riding around on poor people what I mean no but like

if I had like 100 billion or something if I was like Jeff Bezos and I had all that then you could sort of do Wales up a bit couldn't you

like it's a fucking home improvement loan for a country. Yeah, but you could sort the place out if you'd have... 20 million's not going to do that. 20 million would get you

like a decent house and that, but... 100 billion and you'd just be able to pimp out the whole of Wales? I tell you what, since this Adam Roe

turned up, I fucking loves it. And I tell you what, Miriam, she's fucking well happy. She's got a limousine. Drives it to her job at fucking Costco. Why are you doing a Jamaican accent? Oh, that's a bloody good Welsh, I'll have you know. That's a fucking cracking Southwailian.

What are you on about? That's a bloody good... I just like hurting you feelings. Oh, man, it's total gridlock. Right, 100 billion. 100 billion, I'll go, yeah. Right. Would you rather...

lose the ability to... This is from Derek Ashton. Okay. He says, Adam and Dave, uh lose the ability to this is from derrick ashton okay he says adam and dave would you rather lose the ability you know if people are just getting on board with the podcast i mean welcome but you've missed quite a lot of bullshit and my name's not actually dave would you rather lose the ability to talk yeah oh and this is And he actually said this in the email, because you are comedians. Remember, you're comedians.

You're like, no shit, Derek. Thanks for the reminder. Lose the ability to talk or be castrated. Lose what you do. Podcast, comedy, loud chats with Jade on a tube. They're all gone. But you keep your dick and balls.

Or you can do all the stand-up, all the podcasting, but your little Vinny's gone. No, I want to keep little Vinny, I think. Really? Yeah, because I can still, like, still come then, can't I? Nice.

Nice. Really, yeah. Sometimes I do. nice nice sometimes i don't sometimes your mind just starts i can almost see you going through the filofax of creativity and other times it really lets you down like no no i'm gonna keep me there because then i can come next next question one minute you're doing home improvements on the whole country of Wales. The next minute, you're like, no, still want a jizz. Next, would you either?

Hey, don't take away the jizz. Do you know, because I've been married like three or four years. Hang on, sorry. And I've already got one kid. You can take my dick and balls. Yeah, well,

this is my question. If you take my dick and balls, do I still have the urge to cum? If you dick and balls, do I still have, like, the urge to come? If you get castrated, do you still want to have sex? Because that'd be a nightmare being horny

but not having anything there. I couldn't handle that. I think, I think all you, now, this might be bullshit. I lose the ability

to talk, but I can still, like, I can still write shit down and that I can still be like get me a cup of tea it's called sign language

isn't it no it's not you can just use I'm not learning sign language you can just use what I'm not deaf yeah but you can't talk

sign language is for the deaf not for the mute oh yeah shit in my head it's just me you'd have learnt sign language to surprise Jade

and you'd be like oh so I don't have to write it down I want to hope everything and Jade'd be like no bed I've not learnt it

yeah write it down you'd be like oh shit that was a wasted three months that's a thing why don't deaf people

just write stuff down? That's a good question. Has anyone looked into this? If you are listening to the podcast... If there's any deaf people listening... Oh, God. Disabilities, eh? No, that's the best thing you've ever said, you know.

Right. I'll tell you what. If you're Welsh and deaf, you're not loving this episode. I've said it not loving this episode. If there's any deaf people listening. Why don't deaf people just write shit down? What if their pen runs out? Incomunicado. Then they can do their little dance.

What? They can do their little dance what they can do their little dance sign language right okay dance finger dance yeah that's what it is though isn't it uh i can't remember the question uh i what happens when you're castrated it's a very medic honestly all bants aside oh Oh, good. You can't... No more banter. No more banter. I want to learn.

Dr. Adam, Dr. Ro, if you take your testicles, you can't produce old jizzy judo, can you? No. You can't, no. So surely the urge goes. Well, if the urge goes, then I could lose them and still be able to talk, then, yeah. So surely the urge goes. Well, if the urge goes, then I could lose them

and still be able to talk, then, yeah. Because if the urge goes, you wouldn't know any difference because you wouldn't be like, I need to do that because you wouldn't need to do that. But if the urge stays, then I'd kill myself. No, I think the urge goes then as well, doesn't it? Well, if the urge goes, then I want to be able to talk. It's just for weeing.

Yeah. But you'd never be able to be a dad. You'll just have to adopt kids. Let's get another dog. Wow. Fuck you. Fuck you, orphans. Yeah, well, they're not my problem.

Would you adopt? Would I adopt a kid? Yeah. Seriously, yeah. I mean, I'll say that I wouldn't because it's funnier to say, but yeah, I would, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Why are you looking, I'll say that I wouldn't because it's funnier to say, but yeah, I would, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Why are you looking to get rid of Etta? No. Not to you, mate. Not to you. If I sell her, I want to fucking... I'm looking for someone with a higher eBay rating than you, mate. Do you think you'd go foreign child? Yeah, I'd get a little Chinese baby.

They're the cutest. What? Chinese babies are the cutest babies in the world. I think they're the cheapest. What? There's just more of them, isn't there? Cheapest? That's not racist.

It's economics. You can't be racist when you've got a graph. It can't be, okay? We've got a pie chart here, and as you can see, there's no racism because... This is fact. Do you think you can buy children? Well, Madonna can.

She didn't buy them. She basically did, though, didn't she? No, she swapped them for a signed album. I think you'd make a fucking great dad, which is what you meant to say. Would you rather... Would you rather... Always... This is a random one.

Always be an hour early or always be 15 minutes late? Always be an hour early. I thought you... I'm not sure you'd got... I thought you'd... I honestly thought you'd be like, fuck it, 15 minutes late.

You're that kind of maverick. I've got like... I get a bit of time anxiety, me. It's not all the time, but like, it drives me mad. Jade's late for fucking everything, and it drives me mad. It drives me insane. I have to be...

She's quite organised. She's not. She presents this false ideal hood of being organised. She's not. And she can hear me saying this now. She's late for fucking everything. Well,

what, but not anymore because you're quarantining together, so she's on time. You'd have to be a real ball bag with time. She was late for her dinner yesterday. Oh, where was she though? Upstairs. The other room. She's late for everything. Really? It's a long

going on she's got no concept of time whereas like if I'm if I'm driving let's say I've got a gig in York

which is like what a two hour drive from mine I'll leave three and a half hours before the gig that is honestly sensible though isn't it

yeah because it's not an easy drive you've got to go past Manchester and Leeds it's a ball lake yeah but like I'd much rather be there an hour early get a coffee or buy tweets or something then oh mate i i agree with you i just thought the reason i i read it is because i thought you me but might be the maverick that disagreed with me no but i think

that's bang on i can't stand it when people like i there's there's comedians who we know well who are mates of mine, that I will not have, I won't car share with them, because they're like, oh yeah, we should go there together. And then I'm like, yeah, well, we need to set off about this time.

And then they turn up 20 minutes after that, and then fuck about, and we are literally there two minutes before our stage time. You're like, that is not how I do things. It's not like you feel, like fucking nightmare. You feel rushed getting on stage and shit.

Yeah, no, no, no. Death hour, an hour early. Soz that that's not how I do things. It's not foreign, like you feel, or like... It's a fucking nightmare....you feel rushed in on stage and shit. Yeah, no, no, no. Deaf hour, an hour early. Soz that that's not more contrarian, and I didn't take the opposite stance to you, but I can't. This is something I care about. I'm an early guy. But just, mates, but just,

since we've been doing this podcast, when you're like, listen, it's going to be half twelve at yours, you are almost always here at half twelve, and if you're like, listen, it's going to be half 12 at yours, you are almost always here at half 12. And if you're not, you let me know. And it makes me feel so... There's nothing more annoying than waiting for a mate of yours going, I like this person, I like spending time with them.

But if they mug me off one more time, making me fucking wait, waste my time as they dick around, scratching the backside at home. It pisses you off, doesn't it? Preach, baby. Let's have a word with people. You're like, oh, I'm just a bit crap at keeping time. Just be a better human. Just be more on time. Case closed.

You sound like a grandad now, though, don't you? What time is it? Where are you? Adam, tick-tock, tick-tock. You're not in the streets. I'm looking out the window. You're not here. Stop lying to me? Where are you? Adam, you're not in the streets. I'm looking out the window. You're not here. Stop lying to me. Where are you?

Where are you? I'm just coming around the corner. I can see the corner. And now, a word from our sponsors. Yes. Yes. It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors.

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Let's do a hangover story. I've got one, two, one from Dan and one from me. Oh, have you got one? Yeah. Oh, look at you. You're going to fucking... You see, because you're not doing the drive,

you've got prep time. Right. This is from Jimmy Allen. Jimmy Allen says, how do lads greet him from Galway Island? Not doing the voice. Out of respect, Jimmy. Nice one, Jimmy.

Nice one for getting in touch with us there. We really appreciate it. No, I think that was a bit Dublin. That sounded like Connor, and that's Dublin, you it. No, I think that was a bit Dublin. That sounded like Connor and that's Dublin, you know. Who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck? Who do we know from Dublin who's got the most Dublin accent

ever? Oh, your man. Fucking Johnny Lynn. I love John Lynn so much. I love him. He's a great comic and I'd like him to just talk me to sleep sometimes. Oh my god, he's literally, he's just trying to fuck everything when he talks to just talk me to sleep sometimes oh my god he's literally he's just trying to fuck everything when he talks to you like how are you doing there dan you're like probably would if you leaned in you're a fucking exceptional comic but uh uh jimmy

allen is from galway and i think he'd be like you fucking stop doing a dublin accent that's like going oh adam are you english all right, how you doing? All right. That's your accent. I think Galway's one of the more, you know, racist sounding Irish accents. Anyway,

anyway, sorry, Jimmy. You know, like if I was going to try and do a Galway, like who else do we know from Ireland? Who's Andrew Ryan? Who is he?

He's Canadian from Cork. Who sounds so Cork, it's like he's being racist towards Irish people. Like, oh, Jesus, no. That's one of my top sounds from cork who sounds so cork it's like he's being racist towards irish people like oh jesus no that's one of my top treatings of 2013 you're like fucking you're putting that on me so um i'm gonna i'm gonna do a representation of the go away accent but it's not gonna be the go accent, but just to let you know. How are, how do lads? Greater from Galway, Ireland.

Long time listener, first time emailer. I'm just doing an accent to represent Galway because I don't want it to be racist against Galway. So I'm going to do an accent that, that it sort of represents Galway, but I just don't want to offend anyone in Galway. How do lads? Dan, there's people in Scammers

they're all getting very upset, aren't they? Oh, right, sorry, sorry. How do, lads? Oh, we're having a podcast. How do, lads? Greetings from Galway Island. Long time listener, first time emailer. Bounce.

Loving the daily podcast and I have a story from years ago. When I was 19, many, many years ago. Phil, I feel your pain, brother. I had my first driving test on a Monday morning at 9am. I was working as a barman. Pause, pause. Oh, Jesus.

9am Monday morning for a driving test. Why would you book your driving test on the busiest time of the week? When do you think your driving test should be? Like midday on, like a Wednesday or something, when everyone's at work and the roads are quiet. Yeah, but this is back in the day before you went on a computerised system. You applied for a test and they went,

Oi, numbnuts, here it is in the post. That's your time. Oh, right. You didn't go on a website and get slots. Jimmy's old like me. You used to send off your carrier pigeon and it used to come back when will i test when will i do my test for my horse and cart anyway uh i had my first test

monday 9 a.m i was working as a barman the night before dangerous and my shift finished at midnight of course the staff stayed back for a drink which turned into a few which turned into a nightclub which turned into a lock-in which ended up with me getting to bed at 5.30 a.m. Oh, no. Jesus. Alarm goes off at 8 a.m. Fuck! Driving test.

Shower, teeth. Coffee. Parasite. Oh, sorry. Shower. He's put teeth brush. That must be like a Galway thing. Shower, teeth brush. Marie. He's put teeth brush. That must be like a Galway thing. Shower, teeth brush.

Marie, where's me teeth brush? Where's me fucking teeth paste and me teeth brush? Shower, coffee, paracetamol. Made the test centre at 9am with the motherfucker King Gong of a hangover. Beautifully put, Jimmy. I can see you do some writing. With the motherfucking King Gong of a hangover. I jimmy i can see you do some writing with the motherfucking

king gong of a hangover i don't remember much of the actual test check this out adam i did stop and vomit out of the car door at one stage the tester a gentleman in his 60s uh but he bought his food poison story so he was like oh it's food poisoning guess what he didn't pass christ i was lucky i wasn't even breathalyzed that's jimmy allen that's fantastic with an absolute belter so he he he was drinking till 5 30 a.m and this is not just like this is Galway barman drinking. You know when everyone does that, oh, the Irish love a drink?

Yeah. Well, all barmen everywhere love a drink. So imagine what a Galway barman can drink. 5.30am. I love how he still set his alarm for 8am. I'm like, oh, I'm fucking hammered. Bang. 8am.

And he puked out of the door of his driving test. Fuck's sake. Failed. I'm assuming he passed later on. It's a fantastic one. How was your driving test? I passed on my third go. Oh, okay.

And on the... Was it the first or the second? The second one that I did, I defo shouldn't have failed and what happened was I was driving through Chewbrook in Liverpool and there's a pedestrian crossing that's activated

by a push button traffic light thing, you know, you wait for the green man and we got we were coming towards that and it switched to amber and immediately the examiner slammed on. She slammed both feet on and went, you weren't slowing down quick enough. And I was like, we're still 50 yards away from the traffic lights. If you could stop the car 50 yards away from the traffic lights,

I definitely could have stopped it before we got to the traffic lights. And she's like, no, I just don't think you were slowing down quick enough and i went have i failed because you've just done that and she went i can't give you that information on such a busy road will you please pull over into the next road take the next right and then she went yes you have failed yeah i said so you failed me because you panicked we're 50 yards away she was like doesn't matter you failed now there's nothing i can do and i went okay she went so you've got two options either we can carry on the rest of the test and go fuck yourself or we can get out here and wait for your instructor to come and collect the

car and i went can't we just drive back to the test center and she went no you're not allowed to do that you either get out here or you carry on with the test and i went okay i'll carry on with the test then and she's okay at the end of the road turned left and I just turned right and started driving back to the test centre and she kept going she'd go turn left and I'd just go I'd just turn I was just heading back to the test centre I was just ignoring her instructions

oh I got it wrong again oh did you say left I thought you meant take the fourth exit on the roundabout yeah if you ever need to hear a story on this podcast of why adam even though he he he would have them chopped off has big fucking balls that is the story i honestly it's so not within my character traits to even think of doing that i'd be like oh can i get out and feel sad and wait for my instructor you're like oh yeah nice one we'll drive back right turn left oh i've turned right oh i've just pulled into this kfc i'll have a box meal yeah of course i want

gravy i'm not a fucking idiot yeah she wasn't happy and at the very end she told me to reverse park into one of the bays and i just drove straight in and end, she told me to reverse park into one of the bays. And I just drove straight in. And she went, I told you to reverse park. I went, you also told me to turn the other way about 16 times. Have you not got on to what I was doing yet? You've also failed me for fuck all, you jittery old bitch. How old was she? She was like 50s, 60s.

So like your age. Oh, God. Can't believe you drove the car back. Yeah, of course I did. I didn't want... Where was this test? Was it in Liverpool? Chewbrook's about five minutes from my house.

So it was not far from where I live. What's it called? Chewbrook? Chewbrook. T-U-E space. Brook or brook. Brook. Chewbrook.

Yeah, great one. Jimmy Allen. Fucking brutal. Do you want my hangover story? Do you want my... Oh, is it your hangover story? I thought someone had emailed you. No.

We teased this yesterday. I can't believe you forgot. Oh, sorry. I forgot. I forgot. So this was... The first time I ever went to the Edinburgh Festival was 2014. so nearly six

years ago august 2014 as you and any other comedians listening know um when you go to the edinburgh festival you tend to find out in like january that you're definitely going don't you and you sort like accommodation with another comedian or a few other comedians you'll you'll get like a flat that you can all rent for the month and share it. I found out I was going to Edinburgh late April, early May, so everyone else was already sorted for accommodation, and there was hardly anything left. So what I did was I went on Gumtree,

and I found someone looking to permanently let a room in their flat out and said, look, I'll give you an extra 200 quid if you just let me take it for August, and you change your listing from the end of July to the end of August. You'll just get give you an extra 200 quid if you just let me take it for August and you change your listing from the end of July to the end of August. Instead of getting 700 quids, you'll get 900 off me. I did it. I was living with a

46-year-old lawyer called Justin and he owned the flat. I get there the first night and he's a bit uptight. He's very OCD and just a bit on edge. So I was like, this is already a bit icky. It's hard work, yeah. So the first night that I was staying there was the night before my show started.

Now, my show at the Edinburgh Festival that year was hosting a showcase show at 12.30 in the afternoon called the Big Value Showcase, right? I did it in 2004. Literally 10 years. That was my Big Value year. 10 years prior. The first night there was a big launch party for the Edinburgh Festival, the

Just the Tonic launch party with a free bar. Now I got absolutely hammered. for the Edinburgh Festival, the Just the Tonic launch party with a free bar, right? Now, I got absolutely hammered. Absolutely destroyed. No one's judging you on that, pal. No. I mean, free bar means get fucked up, doesn't it?

Now, that party was about a 10 to 15 minute walk back to the flat that I was staying in. However, I'd only done the journey once and i couldn't remember it and i couldn't remember what the address was so i'm absolutely hammered now this is about three or four o'clock in the morning it took me two and a half hours to get back right i'm just wandering the streets of edinburgh and at one point my ibs kicked off right oh so um the last thing i remember is just being in the i was i was on a road and i was like i i'm gonna have to shit i need to shit somewhere or i'm gonna shit my pants middle of edinburgh city center in the middle of edinburgh yeah right so i i seen like on the other side of the road there was just a load of bushes this is the god's honest truth right it's just a lot of bushes i thought in my drunken state i was like i'll just go to other side of the road, there was just a load of bushes. This is the God's honest truth, right?

It's just a lot of bushes. I thought in my drunken state, I was like, I'll just go do the side of those bushes. I'll shit there. I'll use the bushes to wipe me ass. I'll use the leaves, right?

That would have been a really good idea. If halfway through this year, I didn't realize that those bushes were the center Island of a dual carriageway. So I was just shitting in front of different traffic. That's the last thing I remember. Pass out. I pass out sort of shitting in the middle of a dual

carriageway. You black out or you pass out? Black out. So I don't remember. I'm still awake. I wake up the next day and I'm just like I'm fucked. Thank God wake up the next day, and I'm just like, oh, I'm fucked. But thank God I got back to the flat. God knows how I've got there or how I've got in.

But anyway, it's 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I've got the show in half an hour. I need to get down there. So I walk down to the show, and at the show was also Freddie Quinn. Who the fuck is that guy, right? Who the fuck is that guy? So Freddie goes, my accommodation doesn't actually kick in until later today i stayed in a hostel last night i really need to charge my phone

right and i was like okay cool you can come back to my flat i only live 10 minutes away and you can charge it there as i'm having that conversation with freddie i got a text from the landlord and he said hi adam um i'd just like to have a chat with you about the rules of staying here if you've got time today. Last night was not cool. Oh, God. So I then forget about that. Me and Freddie go back to the flat, and Justin, the guy I'm living with, bursts into the living room.

Freddie's sat in the corner charging his phone, and he goes, should we have a conversation about last night? And I went, I don't really remember what happened, mate, but yeah. the corner charging his phone and he goes should we have a conversation about last night and i went uh i don't really remember what happened mate but yeah he goes right okay this is the i'm i'm letting you stay in my home okay i'm letting you oh god can you imagine how hungover i am a free bar to the point where i shit in the middle of a dual carriageway how did the gig go did the gig go okay fantastic i'm very good when i'm hungover so he goes right you came here you came you came home at two o'clock in the morning with your pants around your ankles with leaves hanging out of your ass

and you're stood outside my door singing you'll never walk alone oh god he said you didn't even knock you just woke me up I just heard When you walk through Oh no And I'm there going I'm really really sorry He goes I'm not finished Do you want to go and have a look in the fridge?

Do you want to go and see what you've done in the fridge? And I went no no no What did you do? He goes right I'd made myself chicken curry and rice For work today Apparently you didn't fancy the chicken curry But the rice took your fancy.

You've opened the rice, you've filled it with chili and garlic mayonnaise, and you haven't even eaten it. It's still in the fucking fridge. Go and have a look at it. I was like, mate, I'm really, really sorry. Freddie Quinn is just in my peripheral, and he's nearly exploding with laughter.

I'm sort of looking at Justin, the guy shouting at me, but I can see Freddy in the corner, and Justin's so angry, and I'm just thinking, just don't laugh in his face. It's his second day with him. Don't laugh in his stupid face.

So I start apologising. I'm like, mate, mate, look, I promise I'll go to the shop. I'll make you chicken curry. I'll make you some more chicken curry, and you can take it to work tomorrow. Really sorry about this. I'll buy you rice.

And he goes, I'm not work tomorrow. Really sorry about this. I'll buy you rice. And he goes, I'm not fucking finished. I am not finished. The one thing I really, that's really pissed me off, you've gone in the, go and have a look, if you don't believe me, okay?

There was a block of Parmesan cheese in the fridge. You've took that block of Parmesan cheese, you've took a bite out of it, realised it's not chicken or whatever you were after, and you've put it back in the fridge right so i've picked up a block of parmesan cheese took a bite out of it so now your breath must have been something else that morning how was the front row at the big value lunchtime show when you've had like alcohol plus parmesan one of the stinkiest of the cheeses i feel very sorry for the people who paid to see me that day but now he's getting more and more funny but he's

getting more and more angry he goes you you're wet towel you've left in the bathroom this morning you should take that back to your bedroom you've and he's as i said he was very obviously this is the god's honest truth he's now nitpicking because he wants to say everything i've done wrong so he's like you put a fork in the spoon compartment of the cutlery drawer. I'm sorry. I really can't handle that. I can't have. You've brought a friend back here and it's just not.

You didn't ask me because you bring a friend back. You're living here. Imagine if he went, who the fuck is that guy? Freddy is just about to explode. Right. But Justin gets himself in this big big like angry rant and he can't handle it anymore and he goes

I'll have to come back I'm getting too angry and he left the room come back in and pointed at me and this is the most angry he sounded throughout the whole thing he said for fuck's sake parmesan's for grating Freddy erupted and I Like parmesans for grating. Freddie erupted and I erupted.

And I'm now cry laughing in this very angry man's face. Yeah, I bought him some new cheese and said my apologies. But yeah. Here's some fucking Derry Lee. Shut up. That's my hangover story. I got chastised by a man. How old was this guy? Because he sounds 103. He was like late 40s, shut up. That's my hangover story. I got chastised by a man. How old was this guy? Because he sounds 103.

He was, like, late 40s, I think. He, I know it's tempting when the festival's in your city to think, I'm going to make a bit of money from the spare room, but his character sounds diametrically opposed to the kind of person that should be sticking anything on Airbnb. Like, he shouldn't be renting his room out. boys let's do another feature already this is good so uh it's time for have a word with adam and dan send us all the problems that you have with your friends so sorry everyone it's never going to stop so

we've got our have a word section, we're going to do one have a word today to wrap up our podcast thanks to everyone who sends these in that you are literally keeping the podcast going, keep them coming in to haveawordpod at gmail.com we really do appreciate it, this one is coming from

David Evo, who I imagine is like Evans or something, and it's just a scouse surname, nickname, that. So, lads, I'm David. I'm a snorer. Simple as that. Can't change it. Can't do nothing about it.

And apparently, it's fucking loud. Me birds' words. My snoring is apparently becoming a problem for her. Her sleeping pattern. So, because she can't be a fucking trooper and just get on with it and get asleep, she decides to wake me up every time it gets too fucking loud

and she's starting to piss me off. I'm a fairly reasonable fella. Like, I'll let her have a sip of me coke and that when she doesn't order one. But when I'm asleep, I just want to be asleep and not fucking woken up. So come on, boys.

Tell her to get a grip and let me sleep. FYI, I'm from Toki and it's not too rough you know david evo over to you dan what you reckon see this is tricky because like i know my wife listens to this so if i dare to say like anything to this so if i dare to say like anything she's gonna have my balls on a platter because i am such a princess with my sleep i have i have earplugs in i need it to be dark i need earplugs in and if you wake me up sometimes i struggle to get back to sleep so that's part of the reason we sleep separately because i'm like if i'm tired the next time i'm like i don't feel good so she's like dickhead go and sleep there i'll leave you alone i'll deal with the child we've had in the night and i'll just act like a normal person next day tired i've been tired for three years and you're slightly like short of sleep and you're a groggy

dick all morning so if i do anything apart from say like fuck fuck, I get what he means. I just can't, you can't fuck with my sleep. I feel him. Why are they sleeping together then? Because they're not, like if he's a snorer, they're not as progressive as you, Daniel,

with your lovely system. You can just, you can just sleep separately, come together to bang, say goodnight, and then you can get your fucking Spiderman duvet that you secretly really want and just be like, yeah. And then you can get your fucking spider-man duvet that you secretly really want and just be like yeah and then you can just snore like a big fucking beach walrus on your own

see me and jada sleeping separately at the minute i think we've mentioned this because we we've got a new mattress and she hates it but i love it so until we can swap the mattress we've got to wait a certain amount of days to sort it out blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're sleeping separately. But is that not working out for you? It's fine, but I miss sleeping with her. I just think it's better to have her there. I think it's well better. But I love having the TV on while I'm sleeping. So I'll put like a sitcom or a film on

and just have it on fairly low volume, like eight or nine on the volume or something, just as I'm nodding off. And then in the middle of the night, when I wake up in a bit of a stupor, I'll turn it off and then I can go back to sleep dead easy. But I'm a good sleeper. If I'm out, you could be building a fucking conservatory

in the room I'm in and you will not wake me up. So you're literally, back in your proper lads boozing days you're the ultimate human buckaroo contestant you could you could get like a persia 106 on your legs and you'd still not fucking wake up like not even back in the boozing days i'm talking now i don't need to be drunk for this i don't need to be drunk i will when i when i'm once i'm asleep i am a fucking sleep do you know barry dodds from parapod who is a mate of ours from comedy he told me that if you pinch someone's you know where like people have earrings if you pinch that really hard even if they're like i think they're called ears dan yeah do you know that what they call the earlobe it's not what's the low yeah just not

anywhere on the ear people have earrings oh you know what i meant the actual part of the ear you ball sniff and then if you pinch it really hard it wakes people up doesn't matter how deep they're sleeping so anyway he's giving me this information i sit on it, we all go boozing back in Manchester, back in the day we were all dicking around as comedians and he passes out at a party and like the little fucking bastard I am, I remember that Barry has given me this information and I think well

how beautifully ironic that I get to do this on Fat Baz I pinch his ear with everything my finger and thumb can give me and he doesn't fucking move and it's massively disappointing we're all stood there waiting him to be like nothing happens and then we get bored of waiting nothing happens still and we still just start talking about five full minutes later it was the weirdest thing just out out of nowhere. Literally, everyone's just chatting, and just from the corner, you just hear a fucking Geordie go...

It was the fucking scary... He was like... Everyone's like, you all right, Baz? And it wasn't funny, it was scary. It was like waking up a fucking troll. He was like, oh, my ear's hurting. I was like, oh, I don't know what that... Don't know what that is.

I still don't think that would wake me up. I'm not confident. I am a sleeper, man. But Jade, when Jade snores, like if I'm still awake and she starts snoring, I do have to be fair to his beard. I do wake Jade up and go, stop fucking doing that. Because Jade sounds like... She's a snorer.

She's tiny I know oh I'm going to video it and send you it because mate you would swear to god that there's a fucking someone's throwing typewriters into a fucking bin lorry I swear to god

the thing is though when it's your partner you're like well I love you and there's but you know when I'd like a stag do and you're like right we've done it we've got the hotel rooms we'll be sharing know, when I'd like a stag do, and you're like, right, we've done it. We've got the hotel rooms. We'll be sharing.

You're with fucking kind. I did a stag do with my mate, and I was with a friend of ours, Kynan, who's a bigger guy. And, oh, my God. It was like, I'd love to know if it would have registered on a Richter scale. You know the earthquake measurement.

And then he was like, oh, sorry, mate. I should have put my, he's got sleep apnea, to know if it would have registered on a richter scale you know the earthquake measurement and then he was like oh sorry mate i should have put my um he's got sleep apnea because he snores so bad it can kill him yeah because he goes for so long as his as his body's fighting for a breath while he's unconscious so the next night we'd had less to drink he puts on his sleep apnea mask i roll over i've never seen a sleep apnea mask before and it was like it's like rolling over in a fucking premier inn to open your eyes to bane from batman like you think darkness is your ally you're really bored of the dark i'm bored by it the scariest shit i've ever seen a fat semi-drunken man with a genuine Bane mask, just like

looking at you. You can't see him smile because he's got his sleep fucking horrible. That was a good Bane impression, by the way. I do Bane impressions around the house. Sometimes it drives Jade up the wall because I love doing Bane. Go on, do your Bane. Or perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane.

That's not bad. I think darkness is your ally. You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. You think darkness is your ally? No, that's a pervy German. Hello.

Hello. You think darkness is your ally you're merely adopted in dark i was born in it molded by it tom darling love what you're doing with it you're being really creative and i know this is just the first read through but we love your work can we just go a little bit more threatening? You're weirdly going a bit German paedophile. And action. Action. Okay. Give me a second.

Quiet on set. Quiet on set. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy's Bane. Action. Wait. You've got to let me stop laughing. Focus, Tom.

Focus, Tom. All right. Quiet on set. Oh, you. All right. Quiet on set. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You're merely adopted to dark, silly. I was born in it, murdered by it, okay? Gotham, darling, take back your city. Now it's not the time for fear, doctor.

Perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot man before throwing him out of a plane. Oh, you saved my life, Justin. I'll never forgive you. Oh, springtime for Hitler and Germany. Tom Hardy ruined Batman, didn't he? I might go and watch The Dark Knight Rises after this. Oh, Dark Knight, lads.

The Dark Knight Rises. I haven't watched it for years. Dark Knight. Right, listen. That's a pod. That's a pod and a half. It is. Let's call that a pod because we're not beating your gay German bane.

You think darkness is ally. Silly boy. Alice Klan. you think darkness is ally. Silly boy. Alice Klan. You think darkness is your Alice Klan. Oh, Jesus. Who's your song from? I forgot to get one. Springtime for Hitler and Germany.

So yesterday's band were very, very, very popular with the listeners. So we're going to do another one of theirs that they sent us to. So the band is once again, Walt's Away. They are Walt's Away Band on Facebook, and this is their song Angel by Walt's Away. We'll see you all tomorrow. Nice one, guys. Thanks to our...

Afeedazan! Afeedazan! And once more, thanks to our sponsors, beer52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club. We've got a new sponsor coming tomorrow as well look out for that we'll see you tomorrow

bye bye bye Felicia bye Felicia Always remember that your heart beats Could the ones you lose And I remember that year well The year that we lost you Lost you to the darkness

We lost you to the cold We lost you to the cold. We lost you to reasons. Which I'll never know. Which I'll never know. And everyone knows. Nobody's singing Things that they know We all believe in this higher place

It's what my home come and clean It's what my faith Angel in the red room Knows you've made far too well She took your hand tightly as you made your ascendance from the dark depths of hell. She had secrets. It's not a secret to me.

You took a heart and two arms. No one have I ever seen ever seen And everyone knows But nobody's seen The things that they know

We all believe in this higher place It took my homecoming queen It took my homecoming clean, it took my faith Vicious circles and dreadful choices Is this the voice that I've always longed to hear? Which you never hear When drown the eyes of fallen tears Cause it's the voice that I've always longed to hear But you're never here

Always remember that your heartbeat Through the ones you lose Remember that your heartbeat Were the one that you knew And I'll remember that year well The year that we all lost you