Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #181 with JJ Whitehead - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 17, 2022

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me Sing Hosanna Sing Hosanna Sing Hosanna to the King of Kings Oi!

Oi lad, it's a hotter Hotter time isn't it I slept absolutely bollock out last night With me tower fan Pointing at me car I know It's a great day for a salad A great day for a salad A fucking great day for a salad

You know what hot food is They're hot outside Cold ham And an egg Oh it's so hot My garden's all dried up Like Why didn't you water me Dan Because I'm busy No you're not No you're not Cold ham. And an egg. Oh, it's so... My garden's all dried up. Like...

Why didn't you water me, Dan? Because I'm busy. No, you're not. I am. No, you're not. I do two podcasts a week. And I've done three previews this week. I nearly whinged at Laura about the garden

and then knew that I would have got fucking murked where I stood. She does everything in the house. I proper, like, stood back. The absolute audacity of white men. Sorry, sister. La. La.

I really forget. Sometimes, I don't know if you missed the episode where Adam started identifying as a black woman, but since then, he's really kept me keen on, like, my white privilege. Thank you, Yolanda. No, Shaniqua. Oh, Shaniqua Rowe?

Shaniqua Rowe? Y'all come down and see me sometime. Fucking hell. Shaniqua. Oh, God. Yeah, you can't ask Laura to do the garden. No, no. That is your job.

No. I've got a gardener, but I think he's, I don't think, I think he's high a lot. He just gives off a vibe. I was like, he's called Neil and he's dead sound, but he's not 100% there. And you know what? If I had a job as a gardener, maybe I'd be high as well. He's just, he's like, oh, I died.

Oh, lovely colours. I'm like, he's probably not high. I was like, ooh, they're melting. He's probably not high because he's a gardener.

He's probably a gardener because he's always high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you're genuinely a big pothead, if you're fucking

Ronnie O. Potterson, right? If you're always baked, then you want to do an outdoor job so you can Pot on the job

Yeah I'll give you that This is Absolutely sound reasoning If this all goes to shit And the mortgage is paid off All Danny's gardening service You text him

I'll get a burner Like I'm a dealer What do you need doing Some weeding Oh I bet you do Yeah I can see that Just do two bits of garden in a week. Can I have his phone number?

I need a point. You need a what? A point, Neil. No, Neil. He's a Neil, isn't he? It's a free point for me. Oh, right. Neil or no, Neil.

Yeah. He's, I don't know if he'd answer. He'd be like, hello, what's this? Where's he from? He's from down south. Is he? Yeah, he's on the run. I think he's in Witness Wheel location.

They've got me. It's a fucking good impression so he came this morning your gardener sounds like that i want to get rid of your tulips are fucking beautiful it's not far off it's not all of them now he's always on the phone he's listening to podcasts he stops what he's doing he's like oh they're gonna be lovely and then i've seen him answer the phone and it looks like a total surprise that the phone's he's like hello oh yeah gardening oh yeah fuck i do it yeah i love him i booked him do you remember when did i go to my orca on my own last week no third week of june on it that's when i booked him. Do you remember when did I go to Mallorca on my own? Last week? No, third week of June, wasn't it? That's when I booked him to do gardening. He turned up today. It's the middle of July.

That's when he had his next availability. Sorry, Danny, I missed me alarm, darling. Bloody hell. I just remembered it in a fucking favor, Dwayne. Where did you find him? On the internet. What bit of the internet? I googled

gaycockneygardners.com I know but we now own I've had issues a thousand percent what is it called gay future we own gay cockney gardeners

oh my god look at your tulips do you usually garden with your cock out in this weather why not yeah the thing is Do you usually go out with your cock out? In this weather? Why not? Yeah.

The thing is, we go... Four minutes in. The thing is, we're going on the internet looking... Oh, no, we're in the danger zone now. Listen to me now, boy. We're in the danger zone. Oh, no. A lovely day for a driveway. You just...

I've had problems with this before. I've gone on going, I'm effectless twat.com. Have you been on I'm effectless twat.com? I spend a lot of time on that. Could you come and help me? I did a real ban. And yeah, you can get a certain type of character who I don't really want doing any landscaping for me.

Okay, we know what I'm saying. Let's not make me say it. I don't. Gay Cockney Gardner, way more fun. It's way more fun. From the alternative, I think I'm going to pay dad now,

you know? Oh. Oh my God, all right, yeah. You're wanting me third week of June, here I am in July. At least it's the same season,

babes. I've got to hire a handyman. Oh, please hire Neil. He'd be great. Does he do? Does he put cat and paws on? He'll try. I'll give you a handyman Oh please hire Neil He'll be great Does he do Does he put curtain poles on He'll try

I've given you a handyman What I've given you a handyman Yeah I'll probably I will contact him I've just come to You're sounding like a gay Geordie I've given you a handyman

You're finished I'll owe me Newcastle away shit You bastard Yeah I think I'm going to Decorate me flat Even though. Yeah, I think I'm going to decorate me flat. Even though I rent it. I think I'm going to... It's just a bit too bright.

Is that how bored you are? Oh, my God. Adam was in Discord last night. Yeah. That's how bored he was. Yesterday. Adam, are you going to organise and perform another tour before my tour?

It's possible. Because it's embarrassing that... If Hot Water was open last night, I'd have done both shows and I'd have done new material. I swear to God.

So, right, I'm quite bad, right? As we've already discussed on this week's Patreon, which, by the way, was a belter. And if you're not signed up, you should go back

and watch it. The most recent Patreon. It was good. Listen, I am not good at being... at doing nothing. I'm certainly not good at doing nothing on my own. Listen, I am not good at doing nothing. I'm certainly not good at doing nothing on my own, right? I'm quite good at doing nothing with company, I think.

If me and you just sat around watching telly, I can enjoy that. If I'm doing it with a lady or a friend or even go to my cousins and sit with them, I can do it. A lady. On my own, I cannot cope. I can't, right?

I swear, so the opposite i know right so yesterday i had the full day off oh right oh no podcast no gig no nothing i could have got a lot of admin done but i thought nah right you don't need to do admin live your life so i thought you know what let's just have let's try and have a day of nothing and and enjoy it right just try so i've got no booze join up to booze no booze a day of just for the record that was a unwanted hand touch there it happens every six episodes just happen again so i woke up i gave myself like an hour just milling around laying around not doing much got myself a shower ready for the day walked to my favourite little breakfast restaurant

and got myself an English breakfast tea and a bacon butty. Had a little mill around town. Bought an absolute bastard of an hat because me and Carl are going to see Jerry Cinnamon at the weekend. He bought himself a boonie. A boonie? Yeah, it's like a fishing hat. Oh, nice.

It's got a string under it. It's rounded, soft material. Want to see it? You can slide it in. It's not a fishing hat. Oh, nice. It's got a string under it. It's rounded. Soft material. You want to see it? You can slide it in. It's like a fishing hat. A boonie, they're called. A boonie?

A boonie. Couple of boonies. Couple of boonies. A fucking couple of boonies in this way. Fuck, you know. Right? Is that where we're at? Yeah.

I had a boonie when I was older. Is that Fashnab? No, you had a bucket hat. No, I had a boonie as well. No, not if that's the other Aldi I went on. Right, cool. All I'm saying is, have you slid that picture in? Yeah. That's what Neil the Gardener looks like.

Fuck, you know, warm, isn't it, on your head? Get this on, let's play cricket. Yeah, it's like umpires, that. Absolutely. So, bought that. Bought a book. Bought a new book I haven't finished the last one yet

But you know You can have two books going Same time can't you No Slag What Can't have two books going at the same time You can if they're different books

You can if you're not reading one of them That's dead easy What You can have started a book You've probably got what A thousand books on the go Nearly Throughout your life

No I've got two books And like 998 magazines Yeah But you're close Match Hey if you're doing ADHD bingo Your fungus getting Fucking sore right now

Dab dab dab dab Like this is Off the charts For ADHD Adam bingo There's a A comedian I met A couple of years ago

Called Maurice Gowan Right She's dead sound Really funny She was very new And she still is Like doing stand up And stuff but

You know she's An open spot I met her She was doing a tryout To Hot Water A few years ago I don't know If she's still with the guy spot i met her she was doing a tryout to hot water a few years ago um i don't know if she's still with the guy she was with at the time but he was a comic as well he's brilliant he's the one i showed you the other day yeah uh mike rice yeah uh the irish lad who was on vittorio's podcast but we gotta get that guy on fuck me that's funny she's written

a book called in your mouth she's written a book called trouble which is about sort of it's a her memoir of having a severely alcoholic parents who eventually killed himself um and i was really enjoying it and had to put it down because it was just a bit too enjoying it no i was enjoying it as a book not like oh yes look how fucking shit your life is not like a rollercoaster Yeah Woo But it was You can enjoy it by being Enthralled Enthralled Yes

It was so unbelievably Recognisable for me And exactly the same Lived experience It was I just had to stop for a bit So I was like right That wasn't a surprise though

Was it God this fucking resonates with me No it was It was We're talking about like Situations That you could have literally gone, right, change that name from Maurice Gowan to Adam Rowe

and change that from her dad to my mum. And the story is almost- Like haunting almost. Ridiculous. So I bought the book from Waterstones and I went and sat outside the clubhouse. Ooh, nice. Top of Liverpool One.

Got myself a lemonade and just- Shavass Park. Yeah, just started reading the book Had to put that down Thought you know what I could cook tonight For the first time In me flat

But I'm a bit hungry now And these sell belly pork So I got some belly pork Met that And then I was like Right I'll go home Put Bill Bear's new special on Absolutely fucking

Peak Bill Bear It's great At Red Rocks in Denver Outdoors Nine and a half thousand people On the flicks On Netflix Yeah What Bill Bear. It's great. At Red Rocks in Denver. Outdoors, nine and a half thousand people. On the Flicks? On Netflix.

Yeah. What? Shit. Right, cool, cool, cool. Watched all of that, which is, it's an hour and a half. It's not just an hour long special.

It's an hour and 25 minutes. Absolute fire. You'll fucking love it. I then watched Dave Chappelle's Acceptance Speech. Oh, yes. Have you watched that? It came on Netflix yesterday morning. So the Duke Ellington School of Arts in Washington,

they wanted to name their theatre space after the Dave Chappelle Theatre. He was given that honour and he spoke at the school, an acceptance speech. It's 40 minutes. His acceptance speech has longer been Chris DiStefano's special yeah and that's brilliant as well so i just want to recount that whole day to you right yeah i've gone into today i woke up late no wait right i woke up late i woke up at half 11 i think i got in the shower at one o'clock and i left the house maybe half one something like that went and got a late breakfast brunch i went walked around all the shops in town trying hats on right eventually bought a hat

bought a book read a good chunk of the book s out for dinner went home watched two netflix specials and it was still only about seven o'clock and honestly i just didn't know i don't know what to do with all this time. Gardening. Yeah, I'm going to end up being a gardener, doing a bit of parts, getting in ridiculous shape. I need a focus. And if Hot Water was open last night, then I'm absolutely going to.

How about one? Open your emails? What? Could have opened an email. No. Boring. Boring, Carl. No.

It's hobby time, isn't it? You're just going to start gigging. I going to say hobby then you'll get bored of it Your hobby is your job To masturbate Yes I had this conversation with Christian Knowles Recently it was essentially at the minute

My agent's boss He runs the company that my agent represents me at He was like what hobby what are you going to do when the tour's over and I was like well the thing is for me comedy is my job

but it's also my hobby so like when I've got to do a gig when I'm on tour sometimes I'm like I've got to go here and I've got to do that gig when I've got a day off

and I just get to go to hot water and talk to you freely that's my hobby and the more enjoyable side of it shall we throw some suggestions out for Adam's hobbies

ooh water polo water polo why not taxidermy I mean I'm not 100% what it is get a swimming bath

take a weapon go to the swimming bath taxidermy taxidermy be good applique again I'm saying words I'm not convinced about the meaning of

ladies hockey I think I'm going to get ripped, learn another language and play the guitar. You will do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of them. Not even a quarter of one of them. What language are you going to learn? What?

What language are you going to learn? We've said this a few weeks. He's the new Carlos Santana. He's decided it's happening. He's getting ripped. He's going to be Spanish. Oh, no, no, no, la, la, la. Oh, no, that's Shakira.

None of them are going to happen. Is that why you texted us last night? We were talking about our new venture because you were that bored. You wanted to do a bit of admin. Yeah, because that's not admin to me. Yeah, it's fun. That's excitement.

So should we talk about that? Something to do, though. Yes. Oh, this is going to be exciting. Me and Carl For the World Cup Are going to launch Sportcast A sportcast

A football podcast That we may Occasionally hint on MMA And NFL as well Yeah Because you You love MMA

Yeah And I like it Yes And I love the NFL And you like it Yes But we both love footy So there might be a couple

Of other sports Mainly footy For the World Cup Well the plan is To dip our toe into sportscasting and using the World Cup to do that. If it goes well, then we'll continue it throughout. If it goes well, we're going to carry on and do like, we'll do it regularly like we do with this.

And if there's ever any sort of Patreon content of it, it'll all just go on the Have A Word page and it'll just be a new wing of the Have A Word world.'s not have a word but it's it's under the bracket and yeah oh yeah it's all gonna go there so you still if you if you're a patron of this you're still gonna see it all yeah oh wow yeah it's just more stuff more content um great i know a lot of people will be very excited about that and just to sort of soft launch that we'll get it all branded and stuff we haven't got a proper title for it

so it's a middle in between a couple of things what are we going to go with there well I I want to it's too long so we're not going to use this I wanted to call it

something along the lines of we don't know what we're talking about because a lot we're a lot of fussy this is the reason it took me so long to start a fussy thing the amount of angry people online

when you they disagree with one thing on it's just like oh you don't even know what you're talking about like yeah we it's literally called that's what

especially the world cup to be like oh this Peruvian fullback looks great here oh yeah you're telling me I'm a rugby league head mate yeah you know

it's the same same you know Saints Twitter gets pretty hashtag maybe we could do rugby corner every week with you oh rugby league corner yeah fair enough come to me I'm a I'm a league Pretty hashtag C-O-Y-S. Maybe we could do Rugby Corner every week with you. Rugby League Corner. Yeah, fair enough.

Come to me. I'm a league head. I'm a rugby league head. I'm wearing my Saints training top, you know, because it was Magic Weekend the last weekend. Played a big game against... Did they win? Yes.

We beat Wigan. We beat the Wigan Wigers. But this week, to sort of soft launch the sports stuff, me and Carl are going to set up an official Hathaway Fantasy Premier League. And for the first time ever, we are both committing

to taking it seriously for the full season. Good, you haven't got anything else to do. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, we'll do that the whole season. You fucking are. I'll be on you every week. Have you done your team for the weekend?

Yeah, yeah. Hang on. What's happening in fantasy now? week have you done your team for the weekend yeah yeah hang on what's happening in fantasy now you have to do your team for the weekend well if Lukaku's

injured even though he's left the league you'd have to take him out now he's not in the Premier League you have to manage your team

but yeah people have been asking for a very long time for me and Carl to do something to do with footy or sports so we are going to

launch it for the World Cup and see how it goes and if it goes well for that period of time which it will probably be you know there'll be a big fucking rush of it it'll probably be more than once a week during the world cup because the games come thick and fast but then after that we might carry on a weekly sports podcast yes there'll be some familiar faces you'll see there's going to be like asides like there's going to to be an odds bit where someone's going to try and help you with maybe some betting on the World Cup.

Quite cool. It's going to be maybe us going out and doing stuff. People are just buying to you two talking about sport. I don't think you need,

like if you set your stall out as it's you two talking about sport, I think you can take it where you want. They'll go with you. Do you remember dealing Skinner years ago

for the World Cup? Oh my God. The ITV show. Remember that? Yeah. I remember it before that when it was... Oh, my God. Unplanned.

Badil and Skinner unplanned, yeah. No. What was it called? With Stato. Holy shit. Oh, I'm so annoyed that I've forgotten. And they had Stato come on. It was so good.

Fantasy World Cup. The original Baddiel and Skinner football show. Angus Loughran. He was the Stato. What was it called? They set it out in the flat.

It was so beautifully done. Fantasy Football League, was it? Was it just Fantasy Football? Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it was called something else. Yeah, Fantasy Football League it was? Was it just Fantasy Football? Yeah yeah I'm sure it was called something else Yeah Fantasy Football League

it was called They recreated famous goals from the past on like a five-a-side pitch very well done Yeah but like so it's going to be

like that it's going to be it's going to be fun as well as you know we know what we're talking about with football a little bit it's going to be good

Yeah so there we go that's a little project November, December that'll be obviously through the World Cup So you're going to launch it in so there we go that's a little project November December that'll be obviously through the World Cup so you're going to launch it in the build up to the World Cup

with like a preview show probably yeah yeah it's going to be in the new studio so it's going to look amazing yeah oh that's going to be great yes

look at how I'm being very complimentary without committing to any work you should do that that sounds brilliant I'll be on tour but have a tour but that's going to be quality yeah i'm looking forward to it also you you know it's all the the thing with sport like i'm tempted to do a rugby league podcast because obviously i live and breathe it you know

do not show sometimes i'm on the bottom like dan tone it down a little bit yeah um but i am tempted to do an nfl podcast and then you're like i just this is so much this is so going so good and then i've got everything at home like a dry ass garden with a fucking hippie stone watering one plant and nothing else like but i do see the temptation of having because with us we just chat shit and we chat our lives but to have something to actually cement and discuss and then you can go away off there and like it can end up wherever you want it to be to have that focus i think would be great yes that's gonna be cool uh yeah but i do i do i i've spoke extensively

now with my personal trainer and we're pretty sure we're definitely gonna maybe do something i told you on this week's patreon i want to get ripped i spoke to there's a gym in my building which is wonderful um and i spoke to the building people and said can my personal trainer train me in the building he's gotta get a flat so you've got you've had to buy your personal trainer a flat but do you know what i'll be waiting for yeah Have you got a guitar? What? Have you got a guitar? Yeah, that's not your guitar. What? That's Havowood's guitar. Yeah.

I own the company, so I can borrow the guitar. It says fuck off Elton John on it. It does, yeah. That'll make it sound better. Have you seen the naked cowboy in Times Square in New York? Yeah. Yeah. Adam's going to be the Scouse version of it.

Have you seen the... The naked red Indian of Liverpool 1. Have you seen the hairy naked Scouser? I'm the only gay Eskimo Are we singing in Spanish? You've learned Spanish? By this point I'm la only gay Eskimo

No that was just an accent wasn't it? Oh yeah you're right sorry Join us to find what Only gay Eskimo is in Spanish Only gay Eskimo in Spanish Survey says Is the telly on? Go!

Oh It didn't come on. Tally's not on. Oh. There we go. You nailed it. The only gay Eskimo in Spanish is solo Eskimo gay. Wow.

The Spanish. Mi solo Eskimo gay. Mi solo Eskimo gay. Gay in Spanish. Mi solo Eskimo gay. The Spanish is so homophobic, they won't even do a Spanish word for gay. I would love you to do learn Spanish and only speak it on the podcast. I'm the only gay I'm the only gay

I'm the only gay I'm the only gay I'm the only gay I'm the only gay I'm the only gay I'm the only gay I'm the only gay Code switch in there A lovely little add on there Love code switching there.

A lovely little lad on there. So have you actually managed to go this whole time without making, did you nearly make the first meal? The first supper? I'm going to cook for the first time tomorrow. What? I'm busy all day today. I've got to do this.

I've got to go to hot water and film a bit of stand up for the cultural appropriation thing. I'm coming towards the end of, but tomorrow i'm off and i'm gonna cook so easy doing cultural tomorrow yeah yeah cook and you're a black woman um have you written the stuff for the cultural appropriation bits i've i've thought about it yeah no i have yes i had no time except for yesterday no i have i've put some bullet points together. Oh, the bullet points. That's my process. Yeah, yeah. I know it is.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Question, going back to something you said before when we were talking about your fucking gardener, you know? Yeah. Fucking Gay Larry with his tulip loving. Neil.

Neil, sorry. We spoke about this a long time ago, right? But things have changed a lot since then. And, you know, we've ridden this high-ass, have-a-word wave. If this went to shit, right, and comedy's gone, what's your go-to job now? What would you try and do? Oh, yeah.

Gardening's not a bad one, is it? People have gardens. They need gardeners. People have got gardens. So, when's it going to shit? Next week. Next week.

Because I... Please don't use this as foreshadowing in some weird way. But next week, it's gone. That would be a real kicker. You know? Because I've bought cars like we're still going to be earning for the next two years. but next week it's gone. That would be a real kicker, you know, because I've bought cars like we're still going to be earning for the next two years.

What am I going to do next week? Sell a Z4. Yet, I don't know if, you can't go to, I can't go back to comedy. I can't do gigs. Do you know, that would be hard anyway. What was that James line you used in the... If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor.

Yes. I just, there is an element of that. You mean in my stand-up show? Yeah. Yeah, do you know, in Chester? Was it Chester? You said it on the pod. And the guy went, that's a song,

that's a line from a James song, you know. Great, great, thank you. Brilliant. So good, because I wondered why it was in my head. No! Okay. I think you'd be a good teacher. I think teaching is like comedy,

except not as much fun, and you can't say, one, two, three, shut the fuck up. I just, I'm not a, I think I'd, there'd be murders. Like, kids are so fucking annoying. High school? Oh my God, no. Kids are so fucking annoying. High school?

Oh my God, no. Year 11. No way. Being a history teacher for year fucking nine. Oh, those little bastards. They've got fucking knives. Go to girls' school. All of them.

To girls' school, year 11. It's a girls' school. Brilliant, I'd get stabbed by a fucking girl. Which would be my luck, wouldn't it? She'd go, I'm fucking gardening. Teaching in London. I'd like to be that dude that works on the parasail. Oh, that's where I go.

I go, weird old drunken British guy on a beach somewhere. Dance parasailing. Oh, yeah, I'd be that cunt. You're strapped in. I'd be so fucking hammered. I don't feel, like, strapped in. Don't worry about that. You'll be fucking fine.

It's only a bit of water. Slap it with your face. My chain's changed. For no reason. Yeah, but I'm grizzled by then, aren't I? Yeah, I'd be one of those weird old beach bum cunts just selling parasailed and fucking jet ski rides. You could be the fella

who like controls this patch of lounges like a pimp like a pimp he got fucking very defensive that day

didn't he he also got fucking nutmegged watch out for that stupid bastard on the rugby league special where we went to Lorette

Demar and rugby and we went to yeah the rugby I nutmegged him and he got very, very, very sad. Yeah. And very aggressive. Yeah, he tried to do some banter with keypups and whatnot.

He was like, are you a shit of foot? He was like, right, okay. I Meghdom, run away, celebrate. And he was like, oh no, let's have it. We also had an American football. This guy's like 58 years old. He's been a beat. He's been doing that job for so long.

Like he was different ethnicity you look like a couch like yeah he was just he was spanish but he's all he's ever done has been on the beach for the whole of the summer and he'd gone so many tones of like spanish mahogany brown yeah he's and he wasn't being unfriendly initially. He was being normal. Senora, senora, you pay me for the bed. He was being... That was him. Not like that. Senora, senora, you have six beds.

A ball started being thrown around. He was like, yes, and now we play. And basically Carl had a fuck around with him and megged him and he got dead annoyed. At one point I was throwing the American football and he was like, hey, throw it to me, and then I'll bat it down onto his head. I was like, oh, you've not met Carl.

He'll fight you. He got megged. And then that would be amazing for the fucking Patreon special. So yeah, lad. I might go kibbutz. I don't even know what I could say, kibbutz. I don't even know what that is. Is that like a fucking boat in Israel or something, or Tel Aviv? What the fuck's kibbutz? A kibbutz? I don't even know what I say kibbutz. I don't even know what that is. Is that like a fucking, a boat in Israel or something? Or Tel Aviv?

What the fuck's kibbutz? A kibbutz. I don't. Don't people do that on a gap year? Kibbutz. They would. What? It's a unique settlement of Israel.

You're going to go there? What? What are you on a boat? I asked you what job. What do you get if you're going to leave it all into shit? And you're going on a fucking pilgrimage what's kibbut i think i've misunderstood the word what do you think i think i might go foreign foreign beach cunt i might be that guy why what am i gonna do over here garden you do that in

england what would you do what would i do yeah if it all i couldn't work in the industry anymore this industry uh fucking hell because you didn't know you were gonna end up doing this two years ago no and my plan was to be a teacher which now terrifies me um probably a college teacher college that was the plan yeah i have to say if you were gonna do teaching teaching I've said it before that's the one that was the happiest I've ever been in education 16 to 18 or 16 to 19 because I had to restart the college year but

when I went to the college that was so great like there were some kids that weren't that bothered but mainly everyone was there they got to specialise in the subjects just everyone was a bit happier you got to call people by the first name. I know you probably didn't at Cardinal Heade in sixth form, did you? You had to say Mr.

Did you? Yeah, yeah. But at Newman in Preston. Mr. Mr. We could call everyone by the first name. You could just get treated like an adult. It's better.

Well, when I started. Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Park the boat. In your school, you were allowed to call the teachers by their first name no you're not listening to me when we went to college I went to college

so in our sixth form so I did five years of school we had a sixth form if you can get to the end of that five years like Hutton is all boys until college the sixth form has girls in it. Same as asking. So you literally spent five years

masturbating about all of these sixth form girls going one day, I'll be a fucking sixth former and maybe I'll get to fucking touch one of these sixth formers. It was amazing. I got two months in, my mum died,

my head went and I was out of sixth form. I just didn't last much longer. I applied to the college in town in Preston. I couldn't get in until the September because it was already November by then. So they had a place for me. I was going to start the year again.

I got a few jobs, lived with my dad, lived with my auntie. It was all a fucking mess, basically. When you got to college, it was so much better. It was so much better. was so much better our theatre studies teacher was called pete um the politics uh tutor called brian and we did media study it's just you get treated but you get to wear your own clothes so much better yeah that makes a lot more sense yeah because in our school there was nothing more joyous than the week where you found out the first name of any teacher yeah and just waiting for the first paula paula paula i'm gonna play god what i was actually not

paula i wasn't i was like your name miss i was just shouting it for no reason have you seen the tiktok of the kid who just goes around his whole school and uses everyone's first name just to see that initial reaction it's obviously a school where that doesn't happen as well and some of the teachers like what the fuck did you see you can see you you can see they want to go what the fuck and then others uh yeah you don't want to mess with them there's some teachers you could have known their first name the whole time you weren't shouting it like mr mcneil i don't even i wouldn't have wanted to know what his first name was i just in case i accidentally said something like it because he was the scariest cunt of a deputy head it's like the antichrist everyone's so scared to go back now and meet them and go you're a fucking maggot

because you were kids terrified of them and now they're little fucking pussy holes I go back and go you're a proper mink stop talking to these kids like that because you can't say nothing to me

and the kids can hear me say it he's a maggot you know if my school invited me back now you know some of the teachers who spoke to me like shit

if they were still there if they invited me into their classes I'd honestly ruin their careers was Cardinal Heaton strict because Hutton was strict. Yes and no.

They were strict with our classes because we were clever. Our school was such a mixed bag of really intelligent lads like us and then genuine, genuine idiots who just wanted to push people over, punch them in the

head, maybe stab them with a chisel and if those kids went a week without stabbing someone they got to go on quad bikes they got to build in the field and our school uh a dirt bike like track and then got given dirt bikes to ride on them because he hadn't like started a fire that week i've never started a fire and i get fuck all right so they were strict with us yeah but you you you you know what the you were in a bracket where you're like of course you didn't start a fire you know better yeah oh you didn't kill someone this week there's a quad Jimmy matches over here he's done really well right okay yeah so they would incentivize the naughty kids not being naughty but then us be like we we got like for

behaving we got not my school was even stricter than that they just treated people with i think genuine learning difficulties like they were morons again i know i get called old but i went to school in like my school year did you have the cane we're 92 to 97 18 92 to 18 i was in 92 to 97 so when So when was corporal punishment? Did you have the cane? What? The cane? Was that a thing? The cane the wrestler

would come in and chokeslam you. Yeah, cane came in. The undertaker came in. Done. 1960, 1970, got rid of. My school had a vibe of like, they were still a little bit pissed off that the cane wasn't allowed.

Oh, I thought the cane was in. Oh, right. Just take, when was the cane taken out of Britishish schools yeah mad the cane in it my dad got caned yeah my dad got cane as well and 1986 and his dad my granddad used the slipper what what year 1986 you only just missed out holy shit i missed it by six years It must have been A gradual phase out They weren't like Smack smack smack smack smack

For 86 gone I bet it was phased out Before that In a lot of schools My grandma tells me All the time You got cane It's mad

Like cross the arms And all that Fucking rats But if I went back now And I got like You know When we were in school Every now and then

Someone who used to go to the school, who's gone on to do quite well, would be brought back and they'd just be like taken around the school. And you'd see them in the corridor being like, oh yeah, this is the new PE department. They're like, fuck, I know. Ah, it's different than when I was here. And then occasionally they'd just be brought into like,

into a class. PE department. Okay. I thought you said pedo department. It's the same thing. Hey! Especially in our school. It wasn't our school. Mr. I thought you said sports school. P.E. department. It's the same thing. Hey! Especially in our school. It wasn't our school.

Mr. You-Know-What beginning with B. Oh, shit. Yeah. Mr. Beach got done for fucking sixth form. Can we say that?

Can we say that? Yeah. Face fucked her and then put her in a bum. Allegedly. Fine, no. Allegedly. Great save at the end there.

Have I told you what the date we found that out was? Was it the same day you found out his first name? No, I know. It was the same day of my first ever gig. Was it? No, we were in school still. Right, go on, hang on, hang on. Oh yeah, of course you were.

We're blurring the lines. You found out that Mr. B... Mr. Beach. Right. We're all now called nervy. B- Mr. Beach. Right. Oh, now Carl's nervy. B-E-C-H as well. Do you remember his first name? What?

Do you remember his first name? Brendan? Yeah. Oh, my God. Brendan Beach. This is public information. It was in the echo. Got found guilty, to be fair.

Oh, well, then we're fine. What are we on about? All right. We were in school. I hope this isn't foreshadowing have you heard the raiment about beach because you called him by the second name didn't you beach yeah he's been he's been shagging one of the six farmers so we there's a shop by our school in six could you leave your sixth form or college you could just walk out so we just walked to the

shop we walked in he's on the front of the echo and the fellow in the echo went in the shop went yous aren't buying the echo i've been told we know why you're here because we wanted to just buy every copy of it and just throw it around the school a teacher had been and gone don't sell the paper to any oh oh i'm sorry sir i won't sell newspapers that newsagent needs to grow a fucking pair yeah you're not buying the echo I've been told by a teacher that has zero authority over this shop. Pussy up.

Yeah. But... Mr. Beach was on the front of the Echo. Beach is innocent. And you were at school. Yeah. We were at sixth form.

Sixth form. Yeah. We were at sixth form. Did he turn up that day? Was he in? No, he'd been... No! He lost his job.

Are you having a laugh? Oh, my God. He would have got tattered. Of course he is. God. been lost his job are you having a laugh oh my god he would have got tattered of course he is gone yeah he lost his job of course all right no longer he wasn't innocent he was guilty he got found guilty all right you face fucked a woman allegedly tell you what the uh the echo the journalists they really go into detail don't they adam saw was it you saw them in Pot World years later? They've fought? No.

Someone I know saw them in Pot World years later, they've fought. Formerly a PE teacher. Life's gone to shit. Oh my God. Don't you like six-formers? It's dead easy. But that came out.

So you, just to go back, you want to go into teaching, yeah? Six-formers? No. All right, cool, cool. All right, that all makes sense. Nice. Or when we were in six-form, it was like like it's not that bad she's a she's 18 she's grown adult like what the fuck now you look back you're like oh yeah he's a dirty boy oh no she was

17 sorry and she was a pe students as well yeah don't name her don't remember her name i do don't name her do yeah it's not statutory rape rape Is it? It's Yeah It's not It is It's in a position of power I don't think that's statutory rape Though is it? Right You've only got to be under 60

Oh hang on He lost his job He got found guilty He can't just find guilty No but it's not statutory Yeah so he's got done for Breach of Power

Rather than Whatever it is Right We don't know what we're talking about. I do. Yeah. But like, yeah,

it's too powerful. He's like Thanos. Yeah. It's exactly what they said in the court as well. Before Thanos was even a thing. Thanos. Do you remember what the, do you remember what the headline was?

Uh, something like city teacher shags kids or something something like that don't be too fine there i won't put it in but what what a day everyone was running around the yard shame and beach is innocent just for the fuck of it yeah they'll fuck them i think i think the headline was something like they'll fuck them on the beaches resigns lol resigns resigns lol resigns wow

your school you had murderers you had he haunts the school now that was caught that was caught by Barry Dodds when he did a ghost stunt

of Layfield House we're not dropping that in by the way yes we fucking it's on the Liverpool Echo website we're not dropping that in by the way. We're not dropping in a picture. That is going in the episode. No, do not put. Don't put your teacher in the fucking YouTube. Carl, I swear to God. Carl, stay.

That goes into the episode. Stay, we're having a director's vote. I'm not going to vote. I I swear to God. Carl. That goes into the episode. Steve, we're having a director's vote. Holy shit. He was a naughty boy. That's so much more exciting than Mr Kirk drowned his baby

in a washing machine. Did you see what the headline was? Beach Bum's bad bitch. The alliteration he went for. Mad. Lib Pulecha was fucking rogue back then We just had one of our teachers Had drowned his baby in a washing machine Mr Kirk

Was that true? And everyone was a bit You never find it out Also we didn't have the Lancashire Evening Post Doing front page for us There must be other stories about that We had Newton He was a fucking psychopath.

Rest in peace. But like, see teachers like him. I was going to say before, if they brought me back to the school to do that little tour. So they'd tour them around the school. Occasionally they'd bring them into a class. And you'd just be like, be in the middle of doing fucking history or maths or whatever. And the door would just open. And it'd be like the deputy head with just

some, like, boxer who's won his first three fights and they go oh this is a fucking Johnny Punches and he used to go yeah and we'd all have to go

oh cool three you know he's a boxer and we'd all have to go oh great and the teacher'd be like oh thanks yeah the teacher's clearly

pissed off that the class has been interrupted just to let some some like fucking boxer come in yeah but to be fair, if you're knocking out the murderers

that you knocked out at Cardinal Heeman, like, Heeman. Heeman. Heeman. Cardinal Heeman. More like, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Beach? You dirty old bastard. Anyone who's not killed,

someone gets a tour of your school. So you're a full grown adult and you've not murdered anyone. Come round for a tour. Guys, class 2B, guess who's here today? Someone who's not killed three people. tour of your school so you're a full grown adult and you've not murdered anyone come round for a tour guys class 2b guess who's here today someone who's not killed

three people if they brought me in to a class with a teacher who used to speak to me like shit I'd be like what's happening kids is all right

yeah just so you know this comes a gobshite and you can say whatever you want to him and he's not allowed to it yeah so do whatever you want he's got no

power whatsoever he can give you detention don't go what's he gonna do ming in a bit yeah next class

let's take you into the you haven't learned take you into the next class right Johnny Punches is here

this shit bag I'll fucking smash his head and go four and all mate I didn't visit school she starts pissing on it

yeah I'm not even a student I piss on the floor who's stabbing me I'll fuck an 18 year old girl right here Didn't visit school. She starts pissing on it. Yeah, I'm not even a student. I piss on the floor. Who's stabbing me? That fucking 18-year-old girl right here. I'm not a teacher.

It's not statutory, is it? Is this going on Patreon? Fucking ridiculous. You massive man-child. I'm going to go back into that school and say, Hey, everyone. Here's a cop site. You don't need to do nothing. Spit in a teacher's mouth

what yeah i i don't need this place hey guys your patron is yeah what and the class will be like adam rowe adam rowe and everyone's like who is that guy who's that guy and like yes probably not killed someone probably not murdered anyone but he's a badass he's our hero fuck it shout out Mr Kelk I told you when we found out

that a man who thought he had power over us didn't even have a maths GCSE and how did that how did that happen how did you find out that he didn't have a GCSE because he had to sit it

In the school We were all PIs In our school If you There's something to know We knew it And as soon as we found it out And he tried to say something

We were like You haven't even got a fucking match You're a fat cunt You do actually know That he had to sit it With the 11s Is that how we found out? Yeah

What years were you at school what was your high school years we started in 03 and I know that because I remember me logging was A row 03 03 to 08

high school yeah big school and then we went to 6th form for 3 years just for the sake of it yeah did you do 3

oh yeah because the first so I've definitely mentioned this before at GCSE I didn't revise once I just didn't Yeah. Did you do three? Oh, yeah, because the first... So I've definitely mentioned this before. At GCSE, I didn't revise once. I just didn't. I didn't need to.

It was very, very easy for me and for him. And I got really good results. You got like 15 A's? I got an A star, seven A's, a B and five C's. Yeah, you just let us in because we were great. And then we got to Edelman. And then at sixth form, I was like, well, I don't have to do anything. He just let us in because we were great. And then we got to Edermont. And then at sixth form, I was like, well, I don't have to do anything yet either because that was easy.

And at the end of AS level, first year of sixth form, it was like, oh, I should probably do those again. Yeah. You tried to kick me out? I did the same thing when I got to uni. I got to the end of the first year of uni. I was like, I have not, I can't do this much worse. I tried to kick Carl out, but then Johnny Bunches come in and was like, I have not, I can't do this much work. I tried to kick Carl out, but then Johnny Punch

just came in and was like, don't leave, lad. No. Fuck, I punched their head in. Oh my God, Johnny. Tried to kick me out as well. Johnny Punch is back. I'm a three and O. He's now four and O.

Because he's just squatted Mr. Beach, who's a pedo. Yeah, she took me into the office and she went like, you clearly don't want to be here. I was like, no, I do. And she was like, I got like four U's or something because I just sat there and closed the paper i was like no i do really do basically why did you do that though what do you mean why did i mess around with six four i know but why did you get four years how no sorry i know i did english in another school

i don't know either but in my sixth form i got like use because i wasn't revising i was messing around with him. And then she tried to kick me out. I was like, no, please, I promise I'll try. I basically just wanted to be with the boys. And that didn't land on me. No. Doesn't matter. It was very easy to fuck around in sixth form.

Because if you didn't go to a class, it wasn't like, why weren't you there? It was just like, oh, you missed a lot last lesson. So, you know, make sure you catch up. Yeah, well, that was the good bit about it, wasn't it? Yeah. We had a fucking 90-sized footy match every day. On a five-a-side. We went to Sixth Form to just throw pens out the window.

Hell in a cell? With a footy? She was playing. Wow. A little bit of fucking... Our school is endless stories, honestly. Then when someone, I won't say his name, rubbed poo on the Gerrard picture.

Whose poo? His poo. stories honestly then when someone I won't say his name rubbed poo on the Gerrard picture who's poo his poo rubbed his own poo on a picture of Steven Gerrard shit into his pants he was an Everton fan I don't think he was a fan of anything

he was just mental yeah right yeah suppose if you're smearing shit on murals

who did he support I don't think that was the problem Dan fuck you know he's a tram and shit on murals. Who did you support? I don't think that was the problem, Dan. Fuck, you know, he's a Tram Air Rovers guy. I remember that day. What a day.

So you want to be a teacher. I'm going to go beach pump. Adam, what do you want to be? I think I'd just be like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Oh, good. Good answer. So I should have thought of that.

There's loads of money in that. Shouldn't have spent so long on Carl's. All right, lads, we've got a new Manscaped advert. Hey, you. Yeah, you. God, Bush. You definitely do. If you haven't tried the best products from our sponsor today,

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It's my favorite part, you know. Is it? Yeah. Dan Johnson says, Hey, Lids. Very happy to see Schultz. Andrew Schultz has a new special coming out and I'm interested to see thatultz andrew schultz has a new special coming out and i'm interested to see

that he's done so having to have having to had it having had to buy it back from a streaming platform i assume is netflix he's now selling it via his website as he needs to recoup costs and i find it interesting he had to do so because they tried to cut some of his jokes i think both of you would have done the same thing and i'm interested to hear about your opinions on the whole lot more than that i would like to know how logistically you think it was able to happen surely he wouldn't have sold his special to netflix if they had the right to cut it up also i'm assuming netflix have sold it back for more than they bought it for which seems a bit. I mean, you're getting annoyed about assumptions, but you're probably right. That's from Dan Johnson.

Old school. One of the very first fucking people. Oh, jizzles. Who's been sending in good questions since January 2020. Dan J. So we talked about it a little bit off pod last week. Schultz has bought a special back. Do you know much about it a little bit off pod last week. Schultz has bought a special back. Do you know much about it?

I know he has sort of refused to name the streaming platform, which would suggest that there's a reason for that. So I don't know whether it is Netflix or someone else. It's very on brand for him, isn't it? And it's exactly what he'll do he has built his entire career and his reputation certainly in recent years on i do what i want i'm independent i make these jokes it is jokes it i make jokes about everyone at everyone's expense everyone race creed religion everyone in the crowd gets stuff leveled their way

and is crowd to the most eclectic group of people you'll ever see. And then a streaming platform has gone, right, not that one, that one, and that one, and that one needs to be changed and let's just cut the bit of context out of that. And he's gone, no, I've done this show for hundreds of thousands of people on tour

and I've no problems. So it's going out. Is this infamous? It's just been toured, yeah. It's going out exactly as i wanted to go out uh and they've gone well we won't put it out on the platform because we think it's going to get a lot of shit on twitter and stuff um i think i don't look i'm wildly speculating i i don't know whether that would be netflix because netflix have quite staunchly stood by some of their bigger comics when they've...

Chappelle has really... Chappelle, Jimmy Carr, Gervais... Gone in the pain. Like, regardless of what you think of what they said and the jokes they made, the specials are still up

on Netflix and they've done largely fuck all and gone, look, don't watch it. So, I don't know... They had staff walkouts in Chappelle, yeah.

In California, didn't they? So I think it's incredible. I think he'll probably, God knows what it cost him to get it back from whoever it was. I know it was definitely more than a million dollars that he's had to pay to get it back. He said his life savings, didn't he?

Yeah. But he also said he spends his life savings making the studio the month before his new upgraded studio he's got all them life savings going out yeah I don't know

what it's cost him I think Schultz and the way he markets himself and everything he does and his stand up I think it's fucking brilliant and if he's done this

there's a reason for it and he'll probably end up making more money selling it himself he's got a literal army of fans like we've got our army of fans who have a word. You know, flagrant and the Schultz following

is much bigger than what we've got. And we're doing all right. I reckon he'll sell an awful lot of copies of this special. I wonder why not YouTube? I wonder why not just for views? Do you feel like he's got the army now already? Now he needs to actually pay back some of this

recoup some of his money? I think it's a bit of both I also think like he's got to a point in his career where you know these streaming platforms are offering him

more than a million dollars whatever it is and he's gone if I put it out on YouTube like there's hours of Schultz on YouTube already he's got enough there

for fans to go and find yeah so this latest one put it on behind a paywall Schultz on YouTube already. He's got enough there for fans to go and find. So, this latest one, put it on behind a paywall. If there's anyone on the planet at the minute who can put a special up for $15 behind a paywall

and have it get bought, it's probably Andrew. And, you know, if he's had to pay $2 million or $3 or whatever it is to get this back, then let him go and try and flip it in. Louis C.K. has been selling his specials for a long time off his mailing list. The exceptional comics can go beyond just getting eyes on it.

They're not just about building. They're about paying for art. And I appreciate everyone that pays for our Patreon because they're going, yeah, these guys work really hard. There's loads of stuff out there for free and I don't mind paying for a little bit of content and Schultz is so good that I think his fans will want to pay for it.

They're never, when you do it this way, they're never a rip-off because you're cutting out so many middlemen. Like Louis CK's been selling his specials for sometimes $5, $10. Just really good value. You're cutting out all the distribution,

usually cutting out massive agencies as well, and all of a sudden it becomes really affordable and you're paying the person that you like directly, basically. Also, it's such a shame and I hope this isn't, you know, it's probably not where we're going because, like you say with Chappelle and Gervais and all the trans stuff,

that's not what Schultz was doing. Schultz fucks around with cultural stuff, race, jokes, talks to the crowd. His social media, Andrew Schultz's social media, where it's just like, obviously he's got his tour show, but he fucks around with the crowd and he can clip that out. It's been really helpful for me because like my tour show is my tour show. Like we're on preview nine now. It's not far off what it will be.

I can't clip it out and show people, but if something happens in the crowd and you have a bit of interaction, you can clip that out. His audience interaction clips are as good as anyone on the internet. And if that's what they're trying to edit out oh it's so grim because i'm starting to find the whole trans stuff a bit dull now like i really feel like this has been discussed ad nauseum now like all right we get it um they tried to make him cut his abortion joke have you seen it no so you can go and watch it um it's essentially

it's just a really funny way of looking at the roe v wade abortion argument which he goes he he does the classic thing of letting you know he's setting a trap for people to fall into he's like women it's your body it's your choice and you know i'm just quite comfortable knowing when we get up to heaven and god's like oh were you all killing babies and we're like y'all they made it very clear that that was their decision it's jokes like and that it's not even that much of a like it's obviously a subject that affects people but he's not really offending anyone it's an impossible hypothetical i i don't know why that would ever need to come out so if they're in heaven yeah yeah i don't know if they're the type of things they're trying to make them cut out then

yeah it's better doing it i wonder if they're going to start being more stringent on um specials then i wonder if it was netflix and they're like you know what we're sick of this no i'm hot pray like that's what i'm saying i want're like, do you know what? We're sick of this shit. No, I pray that that's not the case. That's what I'm saying. You never know, do you, with the way the world's going with the internet laws now? What's going to change, possibly? We will see.

But if that happens, if this media bill gets passed, if the Tories manage to stay in power and Nadine Dorries manages to stay in charge of digital and culture and whatever else she's fucking in charge of, and she passes through this media bill, which essentially gives the government the right to say,

oh, that Jimmy Carr special had an offensive joke, and it take it down now. What will happen is comedy like what Schultz does and the sort of stuff I like to do in Chappelle and Bill Bear, whose new special at Red Rocks is fucking hilarious. It'll go underground and it'll it might benefit from it

to be honest in the long term and it'll be an era of an era of prohibition I just yeah I think it'll be

I can't see it I just can't I think they're always going to be chasing their tails with the internet I think they yeah that's what he means though he could ban it on the big ones

and it goes underground yeah yeah they're never going to get rid of it but they're going to push it they've already banned it off network television and now network television is dying i mean it's not just that is it but the argument with network television though is that like if you're flicking through the channels and you flick onto channel four and andrew schultz a specialist on and then that joke comes up and it's an abortion joke you haven't really chosen to watch that oh oh mate i'm a hundred percent that's but clicking on his face on an on a streaming network and going i want to watch this special is is if you go down the rabbit hole then you're like oh this rabbit hole's awful

like that is the whole internet yeah whether you're on a streaming service called netflix or fucking amazon prime or they're just different rabbit holes on the internet like being on porn the whole internet whether you're on a streaming service called Netflix or fucking Amazon Prime or they're just different rabbit holes on the internet it's like being on Pornhub and going

that porn was horrible yeah you watched it yeah but then there is you know I do do that sometimes but you wouldn't complain to porn

about myself you know you've had a weird wank if you email Nadine Dorries afterwards like oh Nadine it's gone weird

take her down! I don't even know what is a midget fucking koala bear. They're already small! That would be post-jizz clarity. If you've just jizzed over a dwarf koala bear, whatever they're called these days.

Did you try and... Did you really politically correct dwarf koala bear whatever they call it these days did you try and did you really politically correct dwarf koala sorry little person koala bear well saved there we all get postures clarity though the guild I genuinely don't

you don't you've never had postures clarity after a one-night stand? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. I mean when you're having a masturbation session. Yeah, because you've never had a one-night stand. No, no, but I'm talking.

Right. No, no, no, no. Let me just put this in your brain for a second. Is it worse? Young Carl. Carl! Right. Right.

Wait, because he will definitely relate to this, okay? Sometimes you've watched a bit of porn, right? A porno, a pornograph, right? And you've come. A pornograph. Right? Turn all the old pornographs. And you've come.

Cheers. Everywhere. And that's how he comes. That's his cum noise. Blah! Blah! And the second that that's how it's, yeah? The second you want to put your phone in a different room, don't you?

Yeah, you want to burn your phone. Yeah. You're like, oh, what have I just been watching? That is insane. And sometimes I've gone for a walk and left my phone in the house. And you know how much of a big deal that is for me to go for a walk and I'll be phoned. But you've washed first.

What? You've washed. No, I was naked. Come on, me belly. You all know what I've washed. No, I was naked. Come on me belly. You all know what I've done. That's real wank regret, isn't it? Is that Adam Rowan?

A hard on and jizz on his tummy. I must have been a really small koala bear. Back in hell, mate. A fugue state. What am I even doing? Now imagine that,

but it's not your phone. It's a woman in your bed. Don't run a bed. Right? No, but you do. You just can't. You can leave it in the house and walk out. Try and fold it down like a laptop.

Sorry, Jill. Jill? Is that because you don't like the person? Just because you just, like, you realise you were just horny and you... Funnily enough, Schultz spoke about this on Rogan Months. Until a man jizzes, he doesn't actually know if he likes you.

That's a good lie. It's true. Like, sometimes you're like, oh, this person's really interesting and funny. We're having a great time. We're having sex. Oh, this is great. Oh, my God, you are the dullest, most ugly, boredom thing

I've ever come across in my life. Come across, no pun intended. I feel like Dan doesn't get any guilt. Yeah, I've had some one night stands where you're like, but I mean, they probably, like I can empathize enough that they might be like, oh, Jesus, all of that forehead. You know, like... What about post-war guilt?

Usually, the thing is with one-night stands, it's the morning, isn't it? So I get the premise, but very rarely have I gone, oh, yeah, this is great. And then gone... Like, it's not... I'm not a fucking psycho.

Like, you don't jizz, and then all of a sudden the cloud the jizz cloud clears you're like oh my god she's a monster like no it's not a monster it's just regret it's instant regret having done what you've done i've woken up in the morning next to some ladies and as i've gone oh i've seen it in her eyes as well like we've had mirroring like well i'm not inviting you for breakfast and i don't think you want to stay anyway so like it's yeah the amount of meetings i've had in different cities at 9 00 a.m i've had to leave oh shit i have a meeting adam you're in your flat in Dovecote. Never mind that.

But you don't get post-self. The wanking thing. You don't get anything after that. You don't feel... I think it's all about reps, boys. It's all about reps. You're telling me you've never watched a pornograph and then been like, oh my God, I need a new laptop.

Irish porn. A pornograph. A pornograph. What happens if you've accidentally... What happens if you've not closed it And you've opened your browser again And it's still there an hour later You don't feel like That happens with Twitter sometimes

That happens with Twitter I've opened like Twitter in a shop And someone's like Jab the sound was down on network Because I got my dirty Twitter But you don't feel Like oh I'm bad

Nah mate Mad Nah There's nothing worse Than being in the bread aisle Of Sainsbury's Opening your phones Check your shop on this

And you're like Yeah Yeah yeah It's when you're going to Show someone something Like obviously And then Your phone's just Someone getting bombed on it Yeah yeah it is it's when you're going to show someone something like obviously and then your phone's just someone getting bombed on it yeah

it's my professional life around that screenshot that bad boy katie knolls retweet um i uh yeah i don't i watched some fucking weird porn, but I'm like, yeah, that's cool. Even after, would you like, that was good. You're not like, oh. I'm not surprised by it. Like, I love the change in state. Like, I obviously can never see it. Like, I, we're in the science center.

We can never do studies of this because I don't want to get too close to the pre and post-jizz Adam Rowe. Like, I like the comedy Adam Rowe. I like the podcasting Adam Rowe. This works great. I don't want to get too close to the pre and post-jizz Adam Rowe. Like, I like the comedy Adam Rowe. I like the podcasting Adam Rowe. This works great. I don't need to see Rock Hard and then covered in his jizz and going, but I don't get the instant like, oh, yeah, trans koala bear.

And then, and then, oh, what is this? I don't get that. Do you carry on watching? I feel like you'll get to the end of the video, even if you finish. No, that would make you an absolute murderer. Won't you, James? That's the end. There you go.

That's that feeling, isn't it? No. You don't want to listen anymore. That is a different thing. I don't think... It is a different thing. I'm not then appalled by it. And I watch some pretty freaky fucking stuff.

Am I pegging stuff I've been watching recently? Public episode. Yeah. Okay. Public episode. But it's staying in, isn't episode. Oh, the old pegs. You're telling me you can come and look at your phone slash laptop and see a woman

pegging a man. They're both covered in cum and piss. And they're surrounded by several Native Americans doing chants and not feel bad about yourself. You telling us that? The piss pegged Native American chanting porn yeah yeah then it happened uh i literally had to turn the volume down

laura's like what are you watching in there this devil poker hunters porn yeah let's see it no oh no i'm not a big uh instant regret guy i think it's a funny conceit i'll give you that but i don't like it's you know there has been some mornings when you know because you're so make the noise. There has been some mornings when, you know, because you're so dehydrated. Life's offensive anyway, isn't it? But, oh yeah, I do not miss that about being single. When you wake up like, I set up my mat, oh God.

So dehydrated, your eyes are sore. And then you look and she's like, some big-headed lady. Hello! Some fucking, like, Alec Baldwin in a wig. She's like Some big headed lady Hello Some fucking Like Alec Baldwin In a wig She's awake I'm watching you Hello

Last night was wonderful So I've never had A one night stand I've got questions It's like a child Like a five year old Not a five Like a ten year old

Yeah the amount Of five year olds Sometimes that's The difficult thing About drop off With Etta in the morning. All of her schoolmates coming up going, Dan, can I ask you about one night stand?

Dan! Dan! Five-year-olds! Do you cuddle? Depends. Depends what the girl wants. Do you want to cuddle? Yeah, I suppose if you really

are getting on there could be a bit of cuddling but I don't remember loads of cuddling are we talking big spoon little spoon or are we talking like nestle box or cardboard box very much like just afterwards

when you're doing the, you know. No, but what are you doing? Are you? That'll do, pig. Well done. When you're doing the goodwill hunting, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. I don't know why your head's big.

It's not your fault. Yeah, maybe trying. Hello. Maybe not trying. I don't know. I don't know if a perm suits your head. Yeah. Well, I know I've got a big forehead,

but you've got a big forehead as well, Jill. Hey, morning! Shall we spoon? Are you spooning or are you embracing her? What are you doing? I've always thought that. Well, listen, if you have a one-night stand, bonk, cheers, go, hey, babe, that was great.

Just kiss her on her big fucking forehead. It's large, isn't it? Moonface, duck up. And then you go for a shower and then she's like, shower's free, do you want to go for a shower? There's a spare towel there if you want to use that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she comes out and then you get dressed and then you go, shall we have a cuddle? You're a murderer. No, no. That's not what he was asking.

Is it? That's not what he meant. Was it not? Oh, oh well thanks for clearing that up cuddle time hey before i get you an uber shall we have a big girl cuddle what you mean is post coital and she's staying in the night and she's staying the night do you have a little yeah all right it depends yeah maybe it depends for me okay so are you talking

strictly one night stands you've just found this girl in town you've found yeah yeah yeah lost come on she's wandered off

come on alright her head's so big it's attracting the moon yeah she's got her own fucking gravity so this isn't someone

you're seeing no this is just the first time you've slept with a so this isn't someone you're seeing no this is just in the first time you've slept with them a lady you've a lady you've you've had fun with in the club

and you want to go back and have to bang bang like Carl I know you've never had a one night stand but have you ever been out in

normal human society this is the leader you've found in the club like it's like you're an AI trying to talk about fucking

hip hop culture you are out in the club with a lady and take her back for some human kiss time with the face and the reproductive organs it's a girl you don't know and you're not going to know afterwards

I know but that's you know you don't usually explicitly say that you know what's up right so that's, you know, you don't usually explicitly say that out loud. No, you both know it's just a jizz sesh. Right, so that's different for me then. So, yeah, a post-sex cuddle or a spoon, I think, is more intimate than sex itself. You're both very vulnerable, aren't you? Yeah.

So if it's a one-night stand, I think that's a bit sort of too much it's got to happen very naturally because if you bonk and then go yeah so what you do then just roll over and go okay i have done that before if i if i know that we're both on the same page and they do it as well like they will literally just face the other way and i be like sounds i'll face the other way but if if i've been dating someone and you sleep with them for the first time i've done that yeah but i'm just trying to show the explicit differences the first time you have sex with someone if it's a one night stand by the way if you're watching this for the first time and you think i'm some 40-year-old virgin, no, I'm just a girlfriend.

He's got no fuzzy, just one. Yeah, I've just had a girlfriend for a long time. Yeah, I enjoy a cuddle with someone I'm into. Yeah, he's very one-night stand. Now, where do we stand on washing the entrance before the big race? Whose entrance? Your asshole or their pussy?

You know, you get in the door. New game show? You're an asshole out there possibly. You know, you get in the door. New game show. You've been dancing in the club. You've been enjoying human music with rhythmical beats.

In the club. And you said, I imagine that as a human, an AI pretending to be human, you're in the club and you're moving your body to the rhythm. You are in the club.

You dance. Hey, you, lady female. You seem to enjoy the rhythm of this human music. Would you like to join me in my habitat and make sex? I am a big fan

of getting him in the wash. What? Get in the wash. What? Get in the wash? Like the laundry machine. Have you been clubbing? I just need to go to the laundry. Do you feel a bit hot? Do you feel a bit hot?

Does that not ruin the moment? No. So you would get a woman back to your flat. Or a man. Or an uncle. Or a koala bear. A little person qualibre So

Dan No no no No Right Listen Hey Come on So

I'd ask for a biff check Laura's gone Right She's gone No this is before Laura No No For future reference

Right Because You're still going to discotheques and stuff Right Laura's gone She has Married Watched this episode What She's watched this episode I can't have had enough You're still going to discotheques and stuff, right? Laura's gone. She has married... Watch this episode.

What? She's watched this episode. I can't have had enough. So you and her, you've had a big argument, and she's gone, oh, I'm going out and getting drunk. And on the night out, she's met the true love of her life. Turns out it was never you. So it's a fella called...

It was George Alicobi. George Alicobi. No, it was a fella called Brian, who was George Alicobi. George Alicobi. No, it was a fella called Brian who works in HR for Barclays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he's real up and comer in the HR world.

Yeah, yeah. And also, he won the EuroMillions but he hasn't told anyone about it. But then he just unloads on someone and she's like,

oh my God, it's one of the EuroMillions. He's a real up and comer in HR. This is the guy for me. She's gone, moved in with him. They live in Worthing. Won the EuroMillions but still works in HR. Because he's trying to up and coming in HR this is the guy for me she's gone moved in with him they live in Worthing

one of the other millions but still works in HR because he's trying to keep it undercover he doesn't want people asking him for money he just loves Barclays 190 million in the bank

but he loves HR drives to work and is con course tell you the thing it's about Ryan it's not about the money it's about human resources well he's a fucking

paedophile so she's found a rich paedophile so she's moved to Worthing great you pulled that out Worthing where's Worthing

you don't know yeah it's in the UK it's in the UK she's moved somewhere else she's moved far enough away that you can have

some distance between each other but that you can both still share custody of the children oh brilliant just do half a drive to Worthing

AIDS Blackburn I suppose I suppose Ryan could always use his helicopter to drop the kids off. Brian. Oh, sorry.

Silly. Right, and I'm dating. So you're back on the scene. Oh, wicked. You're back in the club. In Sorghal? Yeah. No, you've moved to Liverpool because it makes sense.

You're dying for me to move to Liverpool. It's so much better though for everyone. Yeah, it would be better. So you've moved to Liverpool you've got a bachelor pad right

oh yeah seven bedroom flat but you call it a bitchula pad why don't I get like a retirement village you know

two birds one stone isn't it that old beat oh this is coming in the next few weeks you've still got plenty of time

you're in the bitchula pad as you call it right so you're living the life and you're in the club right loving some human music and a lady human comes over to you hello You're in the bitchula path, as you call it. Right? So, you're living the life. And you're in the club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Loving some human music. And a lady human comes up to you. Hello. And she's like, look at this and that. You're telling me your first response would be, I'll have a look at that once you've cleaned it.

Oh, no, no. My first response would be, I love the rhythmical tunes. And I love the way you move your human body to these rhythmical tunes. Yes love the way you move your human body to these rhythmical tunes yes our connection is palpable would you like to have a beverage couple of beverages in

nothing sinister couple of beverages would you like to accompany me to my retirement village stroke bachelor pad and she'd be like yes I like a handlebar when I use the toilet

and when we got back I would suggest suggest I would suggest. Suggest? I would suggest. I would just lightly suggest. I'd be like, hey, what do you want? Cheeseboard?

A shower? Small dick? A wash? I'd be like, do you know what? I might get a shower. Are you being serious? I am a big fan

of getting back after a night out and having a shower. I'm a bit of a piss showerer. Right. I totally understand that. I've done that before. Oh, but if I'm showered. No.

She has to. No. Oh, no, no, no. You can't get in the shower while she's in the bed with the pussy. Is that what they do? Is that what ladies do? Well, I'm home now. I'll get in bed with the pussy.

Yeah, you can't. Oh, I'm trying to get in the shower. You're in the shower singing a fucking A-Team theme tune, brushing your teeth or something, and'm home now. I'll get in bed with the pussy. Yeah, you can't. Oh, I'm trying to get in the shower. You're in the shower singing a fucking, like, A-Team theme tune, brushing your teeth or something. And she's waiting. The A-Team. Da-da-da-da. Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Yeah. Oh, my God. She's like a bloater. Oh, I'm so fucked.

Like, cleaning your body, and then she's in bed, like. Oh, yeah. And you're like, your turn. One song shower please can i just say if you've had a shower after a night out and there is a lady with an unwashed pumpum in the bed uh there's an imbalance but why are you getting the shower listen because it feels nice no dan then i'm clean you can get home after a night out when you haven't brought a lady human back for the fucking times right you can, you can get a shower then.

If you've got a girl with you, you can't be like, hang on, love. I've got a bit of a smelly cock. I'll be back in a minute. You can't. Because I forgot you lot are so passionate. You just get back and just fucking push her up against the smeg. And then just pound her. That's what should happen, yeah.

That is literally what you do, yeah. You get back, you get in bed. Laura's gone. Are we doing this for now? I'm in my 40s. Yeah. You get it on the bed. You have eight minutes of fire

and then you get a shower and then you go again. What, on a warm night? Yeah. Oh, I'd be like, listen, love, we need to leave a window open but I'm going to have to have an auntie. Here's to me.

I'm not going to lie to you as well. I don't mind a smelly biff. open but i'm gonna have to have an anti-histamine i'm not gonna like it as well i don't mind a smelly biff i need the anti-histamine i saw something brilliant on on instagram reels it's like someone was doing some baking and it was like they took um they took like a a tablecloth off like a pie or something there's was a bit of steam. And it was like, when you take your girl's gym shorts off after she's been for a workout and they just went. He likes that. You like a smelly.

No, I said, I don't mind one. Oh, there's a little bit of condensation coming off the lady. If she's got a little bit of the cha cha slide left on there, I don't mind. Slide to the lip. Take it back now y'all my coffee's time my shower this time that's anus anal in a single everybody suck my dick he's doing the cha-cha how low can you go? Oh, not that low. Not, you know.

What about a wet wipe? What about a friendly wet wipe? If she is self-conscious. A bit of Dettol. If she is self-conscious. Are you giving it? Yeah. Well, like foreplay, isn't it?

Like, oh, I'm going to do so many things to you. Have a wipe. If she doesn't let... Not for the kitchen. You're a dirty girl. And I don't like it. So I'm going to wash. Yeah. If she doesn't then call the police you're a dirty girl and I don't like it so get a wash yeah

if she doesn't then call the police you're so dirty literally if the girl is self conscious and she's like oh my god been dancing all night

I've got a sweaty fanny I'd be like no have you seen have you seen Shawshank yeah yeah when they get there just line her up with the hose

yeah yeah with the hose I'd take her in the garden fresh fish fresh fish Line her up With the hose Yeah yeah with the hose I'd take her in the garden Fresh fish Fresh fish You'd actually make a girl Get a shower wouldn't you Would you get in the shower With her

Sexy It's not sexy Getting in the shower Is not sexy It fucking is I've never had a rich person Shower What kind of shower

Do you have Small Normal people showers Are not sexy They're just elbows And fucking someone Not in the water Are they?

Like I'm not a big You know last week I told you I fucked a girl And she shit the bed She asked me to get in the shower With her after Yeah She was an animal

She was a koala bear Who was this that you fucked? It was just a girl You know who she is No he doesn't Doesn't he? No Big Kim Yeah Loves Lil' Kim Jill Big face Jill this that you fucked it was just a girl you know who she is no he doesn't doesn't he no big kim yeah love little kim jill big face jill hello adam oh god you imagine it little bang little

she was my lady mama lad was that little kim yeah look christina aguilera christina aguilera, Pink, Lil' Kim and Missy Elliott. Oh, right. And someone else. Sister, so sister. George L. Colby. And George L. Colby. I'll shit the bed, sister.

Did you get him in the shower? I think then they need a washer. Yeah. If they've shit the bed. I need to get in the shower. I was like, yeah, I'll sweat the bed.

She was like, aren't you in the shower with me? I was like, because you've just pooed the bed. Yeah. So, Andrew Schultz has bought his special bed. and that's what

we were trying to say you know and I think Dan Johnson I think we've pretty fundamentally answered your question haven't we

what do you think Dan do you think we've got everything I think we covered everything there yeah yeah yeah I think Schultz there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Schultz is going to enjoy watching this back himself,

being like, damn, guys, you really nailed it. I'm going for a shower. All right, guys, this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online way of getting therapy. You go on to betterhelp.com, you sign up, it asks you a load of questions, and usually within 48 hours they have you matched up to a specialist therapist who matches your needs, your trauma, the things you want to talk about. You'll get an email going, you've been matched to this guy,

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Hashtag not ad. They have not sponsored us. But stay there. Business manager, stay. I pressed applause because I thought we were all going to say JJ's name. That's it. Randomly. JJ Weiser.

Jason John Wyatt, ladies and gents. How are you? What's going on, guys? Thanks for coming in. Yeah, thanks for bringing me out to your insane asylum. Whatever the hell that is. This looks like the place where they torture children on stranger things what's next to you people doing science yeah there's labs and they're trying to cure aids so they actually took some biopsies of dan for that as well right so everybody in this building

is serious as fuck and then there's laughter coming out of this office. Honestly, every now and then, because once we're in here, we forget how loud we are and how thin these walls are. So you forget that other people can hear what's going on. Right. I often forget that there's anyone even fucking listening to the episodes, and I feel like I'm just trying to make him laugh. But then sometimes I'll go to the toilet,

and on the way back, I hear these say something, and they're just talking at like standard conversational volume. And it lets you know how thin the walls are. And sometimes when we're in here, we're talking like this. And there's definitely scientists. We've definitely like botched several experiments. We could have cured cancer by now

if we hadn't been shouting nonce dead loudly. Good, you're holding everything back. We've progressed podcasting in the uk really well yeah yeah totally um yeah well i love it we've brought someone from california like canada via california to the science center in runcorn and you've quite quite rightly gone what the fuck is this place i used to live here i lived here for 15 years as you know and i never uk not runcon uk That's just it. That's what I was going to say.

I've never been to Runcorn. Never? Just pop into Runcorn. Why would you come to Runcorn? Unless to get tortured in this place. There wasn't gigs. When he lived in Manchester, there wasn't really gigs in Runcorn, I don't think. Can't think of one.

There's a Runcorn gig now? Yeah. Yeah. I used to book it, and then I got busy in both. That's how we knew this place. Oh, really? Yeah, that's how we got in because we'd done a gig here and there was an inn.

Right, you're just driving through and you thought, this place looks cheap. We can afford to do something there. When Stephen picked you up, did he take you to the cafe? Across the way? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. There's a function room there and they have a comedy club every two months. Which is excellent. We're in a building in a... We're in like a fucking 80s nightmare laboratory. Yeah, yeah.

Stephen King looks like this. This is like one of his fever dreams. Yeah. Some big names. You know, if you need a visual of where we are, because we've talked about this place loads, but I've said it, the Heath Ledger,

the hospital that he blows up in The Dark Knight Rises. Right. You know when he taps a thing? Yeah. It's eerily similar to this gaff. Yeah. And the only difference is it's not in a city. It's in the middle of nowhere.

That's why we call it the Heath. Very good. Yeah, so that comedy club over there, the guy who runs it, he's from Runcorn. And I met him years ago. We used to run a smaller gig elsewhere. And then he was like, oh, I'm going to call it the Comedy Office and put it in this office block. And we're going to put it there

and we're going to see how it goes. He sells 300, 400 tickets for every show. Russell Kane's headlined it. Daniel Sloss has headlined it. And all of them turn up and go, what the fuck am I doing here? But like selling 400 tickets to a place that doesn't charge you room rental

gives you the budget to get daniel sloss to come and do 20 minutes all right run corn i'm in it i'm into it all right i'm down with run corn and then when me and dan went to the studio we were like right what's halfway between chester liverpool run corn hang on i know a guy who can get us a cupboard for quite a reasonable price you You know the theory, though, because you, Jim Jefferies, and Steve Hughes applied the same fucking theory 15, 17 years ago when you were like, yeah, do you know what? Muswell Hill in London is really expensive to rent a flat in. That's exactly why we moved.

We'll move to Manchester. Yeah, well, we were in Walthamstow. So we weren't even as classy as Muswell Hill. We were in Walthamstow. And, you know, yeah, we moved to Wally Range, basically. We tried to call it Charlton or Didsbury. We tried to slip that in every now and then. Really, it's Wally Range. And for the price of what we were paying in London, we had a back garden and a driveway and five bedrooms. And yeah, so it was... So I've been in Manchester about a year and a half, two years maybe. And the scene was basically me, Danny Deegan,

Seymour Mace, Smug Roberts, and some older comics that didn't hang out. And then all of a sudden Seymour was like, ah, I've got some good news. Yeah. Jason John Whitehead, Steve Hughes, and Jim Jefferies are all moving to Manchester. When you're a 23 year old up and coming comic,

you're like, oh shit, the three coolest comedians I've met in all my time in comedy who are also the most fun because they drink and get fucked up are all moving up here with a budget. Oh, it was so fucking fun. It was so chuffed.

Best choice we could have made for our career as well. I mean, it was so much easier to work the country from Manchester. Yeah, becausechester is central to the uk yeah you look at the uk and throw a fucking arrow right down the bullseye you hit fucking the ondale center i lived in manchester for 10 to 11 years and it was great for gigging because my circuit was off to sheffield off to liverpool maybe up to newcastle maybe down to birmingham it's the rest was all with it like manchester's cracking i always recommend it to young comics like don't plunk yourself in london and just i say the same thing there and start fighting for stage time there's

just so many there's independent circuits all around rob riley runs all those that's why i moved to manchester get fucking busy and remember when i met you when i was in newcastle right craig campbell gave me the advice that you give now and that you were just given then. Craig Campbell, I was like, I'm going to move to London. He was like, don't move to London. Move to a fucking, like he basically, he used an analogy because he was pissed and he's Craig Campbell and he's mental.

Move to the fucking woods. Get good in the woods and then just visit the village. Get good in the woods. Get good in the woods. Sharpen your tools. Early on, people tried to convince me to move to Manchester, and my arrogance of, no, I love Liverpool, I'm staying in

Liverpool, has finally, I've just waited it out, because Liverpool has now become like this epicenter of the new wave of UK comedy. It's got one of the best comedy clubs on the planet, maybe certainly in the UK. The podcast scene is like, of the whole of the UK, because of this thing and a few others,

is all out of the northwest of Liverpool. I've just waited it out. I've just been like, you know what? I probably should have moved to Manchester, especially when I couldn't drive. I should have moved to Manchester. It would have been easy to get everywhere. It's all so handy, though.

If you live in one, you use the other. All the Manchester comics are in Liverpool. All the Liverpool comics go over in Manchester. I know there's like the rivalry. It's a 45 minute drive and it's dead Andy, isn't it? You're making them come to you. Yeah. You're creating a hub.

I was going to say, we didn't drive either. We didn't fucking drive. Jim did. Jim Jefferies definitely did. Cause I called him a cunt one day on a drive to Southport. He was being so annoying. He was being so, he was being so Jim Jefferies. So unbearably Jim Jefferies.

And I looked up to him and I liked him. And he was definitely a few like steps up the ladder. And Seymour was getting wound up with him. And even me at 23 went, oh, Jim, why are you being such a cunt? And he went, fucking, he was in a mood. No, what I was saying was we didn't drive when we moved up. Oh, right, right. But we got a driveway.

And the driveway stayed empty for maybe the first couple of months. But then Jim returned from a gig, from like a Tuesday night gig with a car. We looked at it like it was just like we had never seen such a thing arrive. The BMW. So he got the first car. The BMW. No, it was a little beater. It was a little red piece of shit beater that he bought with the fee from his show.

He bought it. He just, it was too late. He partied all night, ended up sleeping somewhere and had no way to get home and dropped like 200 quid on some beater, arrived at our house in Wally Range

with a car and that's when it dawned on us, oh, maybe we can drive in this place. You know, you got space, more space

on the Manchester streets. How many drugs and how many drinks have you got to have had to wake up somewhere alien have 200 quid and have your first thought be i should buy a car rather than i should call a taxi let's not let's not get a taxi let's buy a taxi i want to be a taxi driver yeah it was so good going around to your house when i was like you you literally go over you you're definitely the

normal of the three and i'm i'm being a dick about jim he was being objectionable on that drive but jim was always great fun as well and steve hughes who i don't know if you've we've not talked about him loads he's come up recently would be like like doing death metal drumming in his bedroom yeah and then just come down and hang out that's what we had with the two spare rooms if somebody wasn't crashing we had it set up as like a studio. So he'd be in there on the drums. And I tried learning guitar at one point. And I remember Steve Hughes took the guitar from me and learned faster than I had learned.

Put me on the drums. And I remember they were going, I don't want to be a drummer. I wanted to learn guitar. But all of a sudden, I'm learning drums so that he can fucking play guitar. He learns music so quick. But he was a psycho to live with living with two aussies i'll tell you too they used to piss in the back garden like free range animals my dad does that no i'm does your dad do he's severely mentally ill as well like but yeah i've done it i've only got one bathroom really well so yeah but at least do you at least go to the fence? Because we have a hole.

I don't piss out the back door. That used to be my problem. You stand at the door. They're like, you're so Canadian. I'm like, I'm a dude who likes to walk around on bare feet and maybe dip into my garden every now and then. Oh, Alan Oves. Because they just go five feet outside, let it hang out.

I'm like, can you guys just make it to the fence? Get to the fence. Are we allowed to tell the story of the night when it went weird or not you're acting like it was one night no no no the break-in oh well i wasn't in town for that oh shit so i know a lot about it but i was touring australia at the time so i yeah they just they called i was about to go on stage in australia and so me and seymour had been hanging out in Wally Range, me and Seymour Mace, who lived in Fallowfield.

We had a flat together. So there's a comedian flat there. There's a comedian flat in Wally Range. You guys had a house. This has been mentioned a long time back. We were fucking around and probably there till about midnight, one o'clock. I was like, all right, cool.

We're going to go back to Fallowfield. I think they thought it was you guys. Left Jim Jeffries and Steve Hughes and Jim's girlfriend in the house. And then about half an hour later, some lads broke in with like balaclavas and a machete. Yeah, a machete and like a hatchet. We're going to fucking rub the place. And apparently Jim's reaction was, oh, fuck off, damn. Yeah.

They thought it was you fuckers. And then quickly realized that it wasn't me and Seymour playing a joke. And then got held up and had all their shit robbed. Imagine if that fella had been called Dan, though. Imagine how much his head would have fell off. I thought you... What? What a time to be gigging away. What a time to be gigging away.

What a time to be gigging away. It was shocking, man. Yeah, that's the other thing, too. They thought it was you guys. Then they took Jim's car. They piled all the shit into Jim's car and got busted because they ran a curb. So if they hadn't have run a curb,

the cops wouldn't have thought something suspicious here, and they went on the big chase to catch them i think they got pulled over by the police about a mile and a half from the house which if you're gonna such a sad get away chase them through my side right okay yeah like there was like i think they call them robocop this cop who was like leaping fences after these fuckers to to tackle them so i love it see and you take the piss out i have an axe next to my bed, right? Why though? Just in case something like that happens. Does it have to be an axe though?

I have a baseball bat as well. Okay, all right. Yeah, so if someone breaks in, I can be like, choose your weapon. To beat me with. What are you doing with the axe? I will put it through his face. Why?

Because he's broken into my house and I want him to leave. So you want to go to jail instead? I wouldn't go to jail. I'd get rid of the body. I've seen snatch. Pigs. Also, he lives in a penthouse flat

way, way up. 14th floor. Hey, I went to the trial. I'll tell you a very funny thing that Jim said at the trial that made everybody laugh in the moment's attention because they were packed.

Was it two lads? Yeah, two lads. They got, like, they're out of prison now, so maybe we should not be careful About how much we're talking about What were their names Was it Brandon Beach

Or Mr. Coombs We keep saying our names And shit and they're like that's who we robbed Let's go It was Johnny Coombs They got 12 and 14 They got an extra two years each for drug possession as well, which was mental because it was our drugs.

12 and 14 years. So, yeah, 12 and 14 years. About one robbery. Yeah, but we're making quite light of it. They actually got tied up and threatened a lot. It was very serious. It was pretty. It was beyond aggravated.

Jim Jefferies has spoken about it on a special. They threatened to rape his girlfriend. Yeah. So it's a home invasion. They have spoken about it, so we're not breaking the rules. But I'm sure both Jim and Steve probably aren't that comfortable with discussing it. Luckily, they're not here.

I'll tell you, very funny, because I went and supported them at the trial. I was back home by the time the trial was there, which was very tense as well. You just remember like uh jim's girlfriend on the witness stand and stuff and that was rough to watch like she could hardly look over at them and it's very hard too you're not allowed if you if you don't uh adamantly say that you recognize the criminals at the time like that night when the police show up and if you're like i don't know everything then you're not allowed to then two months later say no that's definitely them you're not allowed it's you have to say it happened

and then the police have to say these are the ones we caught so the police then have to be the witnesses so that's an unfortunate thing because you're always in shock when the cops do show up and you want and you just want to say things like i'm not really sure and they were kind of tall and they had maybe it was a raider's hat or you know you but if you don't know the exact details they don't hold up in court yeah months later anyway but luckily the cop was the cops who caught them were so great at their job and they're the ones so you just so you just have to say the event happened then the cops get to go we caught the people from the event that's what they look like these are them so that you need that chain of okay yeah yeah of evidence to make things work it was the funny moment which just proves how funny this fucker is uh you know so tense in the courtroom the machete

was in a big uh clear tube right it's in a big clear tube in fact the tube was even bowed at one of the ends because of the size of the machete at the end. And the machete was from our shed, our little shed out back. So they went into our shed. And robbed your own machete? Yeah, to get the weapons. And the other one was a hammer. That's right, the other one was a hammer.

It was a hammer and it was in a big envelope that was folded over. They passed around the machete while Jim was on the stand. And they went, is that the weapon? And Jim's like, yes, that's our machete from our our back garden shed and then they had passed around this envelope with the hammer in it and Jim looks in there he's like yeah that's the hammer and then they passed it over to the judge and the judge looks in the envelope and then the judge just went gentlemen this envelope is too big for this piece of evidence can we get a more satisfactory sized

envelope for this or can we cut the envelope or something? And then Jim just went, well, there's a big knife right there. And just cracked everybody up. And I was just like, holy fuck. Even in this moment of tension, the motherfucker couldn't but help do a little joke. Did the judge laugh?

Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. He made them all laugh. He made them all laugh. I thought, ah, victory. Trial over. At that point, the judge has yeah yeah oh my god he made them all laugh i thought ah victory trial at that point the judge has got to go do you know what guilty life in prison i felt like standing up to the two criminals and go what do you guys got can you follow that i think we're done now if you're gonna go and watch court cases go and watch them with world

class comedians that's definitely better, isn't it? I want to go back to the pissing in the garden thing. Are you ever tempted? Do you ever do that? What? I've talked about it. Yeah, I love it. He's shitting the garden.

I love it. That now. No, you did a poo and you're not done. I was absolutely hammered. That was bad form. I've regretted that. But are we in the garden freely? A bush we? Yeah, okay.

You said a bush we, though. You get to the bush. Yes. Sometimes, yeah. The thing about living with Aussies is I'm telling you, because I'll go for a garden we. Like, you know, that's easy. But you've got to get to your border.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get to the outskirts of the garden. Sometimes I don't like that. Can I just ask all of you you included actually and you and you and me dad and any and steve yous and jim question if your neighbor caught you doing that it's my fucking domicile they can fuck off yeah it doesn't work like that yeah i mean no if they're looking at my car in my garden, it's not illegal. Yeah, but that's a bad precedent, because that means you can flash people who are walking past your house.

No, it's not. My garden! If you start wanking and they see you through the trellis, it's still indecent exposure, isn't it? No. It's not illegal to be naked anywhere in the country, especially not in your own garden. It is to be wanking furiously while making eye contact.

You can wank in your own garden, 100%. Bollocks to you, you can. I don't, because I've got a small yard. Yeah, but you gotta keep it private. You can't do it within public view. No, it's not for public view, it's your house. My house is in public view. Your garden is private.

You can't wank in your window. He's not a legal expert. This is the weirdest, you're making up rules here. No, lad. It's my living room. Middle of winter. Lights on. Curtains open.

Wanking. Oh, you're looking in school kids, are you? Well, it's my living room, you pervs. It doesn't work like that. If I'm in my garden having a piss and someone walks up my cock, that is on them. I know you better than you know your bastard self.

And then it's not a joke. What's your next door neighbor's name? First name? I'm not saying that. Why? Which is the boy or the girl? The boy. Because he's all about privacy.

Right, the boy. What's his name? Sam. Sam. So you're telling me you're caught pissing in your back garden and Sam locks eyes with you and goes, How's he doing that? How tall do you think I am?

We've got fucking walls in the garden. How am I locking eyes with him? I'd have to doing that how tall do you think i am we've got fucking walls in the garden how am i locking eyes with him he's i'd have to be looking at his window like that yeah but not everyone has your walls some people have lower fences no if i have the walls that's all that matters it doesn't matter how low their fences are mine lower no but i mean if if between your gardens it's not quite as high the border, I've got walls around my garden right you would have to look over Yeah, call you what would your response because it wouldn't be a Sam my Joe fucking cock and business Your meeting in the garden it's away from window is not in the middle of the garden I have done it in the middle they did and if I turn around he was in his window. I believe

Yeah, get up. What would you do? How would you explain yourself? is not in the middle of the garden. I have done it in the middle. They did. And if I turn around and he was in his window, I'd be like, eh. Yeah. What would you do? How would you explain yourself? If I'm sober, I'm aware not to piss. Like, how mental would you have to be to walk into the middle of the garden and turn around,

face back towards the house as they're doing the washing up. My garden. Fuck you. You reminded me of Steve Hughes. He does brazenly. I get little weird patches of grass now. I don't know.

There's so much sneak in my piss that the grass is like, oh my God. I had a hammock in our back garden and they had piss patches. That's the difference between a Canadian and an Australian. You can do whatever you want in your own garden. You can. No, you can't. It's not a rule. You're not legal. You don't know anything. If you walk in my

house and I've got an axe, I can smash that axe into your fucking forehead and I walk free. The king of the axe full head. But it's the same bullshit. No, it isn't. Me pissing in my garden is not the same as you putting an axe in someone's head.

But you just said you could do what you want. I would be more likely to get away with an axe murder than you would wanking in the window or passing children. No. We said garden. Not wanking in the window. Oh my God, let's move on.

Jesus, Carl. You guys really solve the world's problems on this. I tell you what, he will not stand out. How they've not killed each other with an axe and him pissing on him. I killed you with an axe, but I'm pissing on you? It's my garden. I can piss on dead bodies.

I've got walls. You can do whatever you want in your backyard. All right, Sam. He's dead. Oh, God. Where are you living in California? Are you LA, baby? So I'm, yeah.

Oh, my God, you're so LA. I'm actually in Hollywood, which is not as cool as I thought it would. I'm actually in Hollywood, which is cool I thought it would it's have you been to Hollywood? Oh, it's a shit hole. I didn't I didn't know I Thought this is gonna be really cool. I'm right by the Walk of Fame. Actually, I do I still like it I like it, but but I'm not gonna it's not me forever house is occasionally smell Well, I mean, it's hot desert hot. It smells like hot piss Frequently on the streets of Hollywood, but it's your flat and you can do what you want that's right exactly yeah so i'm just off the walk of fame and um yeah like even the gym and

my gym in hollywood is dodgy as fuck you know somebody took a shit in the urinal recently and and just and it just stayed there all day. Nobody wants to go. So it's not the classy place. It's not where the Kardashians live. Is it a beautiful place or is it just basically porn stars trying to find their... I just imagine there's a lot of porn stars, a lot of fake tits

and whatnot. There's a fair bit of that. I mean, you can find it if you want. Yeah, more than Runcorn, because if you're an aspiring porn star and you've moved to Runcorn, you're fucking stupid. Yeah, you've got everything. You've got your Scientology buildings

out of nowhere, which that's a weird thing to see. They dominate certain parts of the landscape sometimes. You're like, a big purple Scientology building by where I live? You're like, oh, wow. You know what they believe, don't you?

Do you want to clue me in? do you want to clear me in do you want to clear me in on top of money what does scientologist believe in other they believe that we're all aliens right and that some fella called ron dropped us off l ron hubbard yeah to populate the earth and he got off and he was like i'll leave them there for a bit And he's going to come back one day and take us all to Essentially the Disneyland of space Cool That's the best summary of what it is that I've ever heard Disneyland I've never heard a Scientologist describe it that way

Tom Cruise is that into it What's Tom Cruise's role in all this Tom Cruise He's like their pope He's a high level. Yeah. So they have levels that you gotta work up

through like ranking you get rankings. Yeah he's like an ambassador. Dianetics. Use code Cruise10 if you want 10% off your first Scientology. Well didn't John Travolta's

kid die because he wouldn't take him to get the No that's because he's a psychopath. No he's a different thing that doesn't let them have medicine.

At Jehovah. I thought it was Scientology. I think he might a different thing. That doesn't let them have medicine. A Jehovah. I thought it was Scientology. I think he might have ended up there at some point, but when that happened, it was because he's like a Mormon or something. The lack of facts we offer. A Mormon Scientologist going to space Disneyland. I'm learning more than I thought.

Are you not interested in joining Scientology? No, you live in Hollywood? Definitely not. Why? I don't need it. I'd join it just to try and blow it all open from the inside. No one's ever tried that. Turn up with his axe.

No, I don't want to join any pyramid schemes. Yeah, that's what it is. It's not really interesting. I'd love to expose Scientology. Imagine being the guy who did that. But imagine you go into it and you're like, actually, they fucking saw this, and it turns out they're right.

I think that's what's happening. People are going in trying to expose it, and they're like, oh, they fucking saw this, and it turns out they're right. I think that's what's happening. People are going in trying to expose it, and they're like, oh my God. I think with your level of expertise, you're the one that can do it. Are you Mormons or something? Are you John Travolta's or Tom Cruise's? Which one is this?

Show up at the gates of fucking Scientology with just your Mickey Mouse ears on. I'm ready. I'm ready. Count me in everybody He'd be running it He'd be fucking running it Fucking hell never mind Patreon Scientology

Loaded How many fucking pubes have you got Oh my god What's the comedy scene like out there? We asked John Hastings this when he came on the couch. It's very different. Yeah. I mean, I miss,

I definitely favor the British comedy scene and comedy style of, yeah, like. So what's your working week, Lola? I know you do, do you support Jim on tour a lot? I do, yeah. If you're not doing that, what's the sort of comics working week? Yeah, because I only do his American work. I don't do, when I tour here, I do my own stuff lot? I do, yeah. If you're not doing that, what's the sort of comics work?

Yeah, because I only do his American work. I don't do, when I tour here, I do my own stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Australian stuff. That's all in Canada. That's all under my own name. Like, Jim's in Australia right now. He's got his, he's with Amos Gill, does his support spots in Australia for him. So my working week, I mean, it's been different since the pandemic.

So, you know. But to be honest, writing the Jim Jefferies show, when we were doing that, that was three years. That was the best. You know, that was in the writer's room nine to six every day, five days a week. So that was pretty great. Proper job. It was like, but it was so easy to get into because if you're once you're writing jokes for TV, it's like I couldn't. It turned me into a morning person.

I definitely wasn't 15 years living here., it turned me into a morning person. Because I definitely wasn't, 15 years living here, I definitely wasn't a fucking morning person. You know, I was, get out of bed just in time to get to the comedy store. Do you know what I realised recently?

I'm a morning person. I just don't like the first hour. That's what, you know, coffee. But once, once I get that first hour out the way, the,

like, why are you looking at me like I've got seven dicks? They don't believe it. Because your morning starts at 11 o'clock. So that first hour then the way, they're like, why are you looking at me like I've got seven days? They don't believe it. Because your morning starts at 11 o'clock. So that first hour then goes into the afternoon. No, no, no, no, no. This is what I'm saying. I've always thought I'm that guy.

Because you've always been that guy. Because I've always been that guy. Right? It turns out I've been living a lie. So what happened was, last week I had a meeting in Manchester. So I got up at like, I think I had to get up at like six. So I was ready for seven.

Right? Because that gives me time to sort of amble around, have a coffee, get a shot. Read the book. Learn Spanish. He's had one morning, Nong hung over. He's like, I'm a fucking morning person. Next morning, 11.30am. Next morning morning midday

go on no because I was drunk those times and that doesn't count so the next time I got up at 6 o'clock I was ready by 7

I drove to Manchester had a little coffee yeah outside Caffe Nero Manchester that was wonderful got stopped by

a listener whose head fell off which was really funny and then someone else commented and said they'd seen us there on the thing which really made me laugh then I else commented and said they'd seen us there on the thing, which really made me laugh.

Then I had a meeting, 9 o'clock. That was cool, very exciting. And then I just, it was 10 a.m. And I'd already, I'd like loads of stuff done. I just felt really good. Hang on. Wait a minute. So you're saying one time it happened.

So you think you could be alive. One morning. One fucking morning. You think you could be a mom? One morning. One fucking morning. You think you could be. I sucked through me a lot. I'm going to have to make it half eleven. I'm just getting deja vu. Get out.

Oh, it's paper. And then I wrote a book. I was going to read one. I thought, fuck, I'll write one. I had me coffee. Somebody was nice to me about a thing. It was great. It wasn't even 10 a.m.

If you were part of a writing room and you had to be there every morning Monday to Friday 9am I reckon I'd be flying fuming by week 2 I wouldn't

what was it like what was it like I know it's comedians pretending to be full time or is that real like in a talk such shit

in the writing room is it like is it everyone being proper and professional or is it just comics sitting around fucking about it all depends i mean we had a mix on our show we had comedians and we had people who came up through improv i think this is i think comedians stand-up comedians have a different

sense of humor i think than some of the the american improv improv i'm still trying to figure them out to this day so there's two different ilks you know in an american writer's room you know but comedians have far less boundaries i think weirdly enough than the improv people yeah so uh but you know yeah it's uh full of good banter and you know you chug you come in with basically we filmed on tuesdays so wednesdays was just shooting the shit you know thursdays was start getting your first scripts ready friday was have them into the head writer and then the head writer takes those puts them into a an overall script you know does a hard edit kill your babies as they say kill some of the babies and put together one script and then by friday afternoon we see that

one script we think about it over the weekend and then we come in to punch it up on monday and then by friday afternoon we see that one script we think about it over the weekend and then we come in to punch it up on monday and then we film it on tuesday and it's a great i mean it's a treat you know as a stand-up uh i was like this this is the best getting my jokes on you know once you get them in jim's mouth or once you tell that he's inspired to do them you're like oh this is gonna be fun yeah to watch and it and you like writing i mean you've been mates 20 25 years you learn to because you've got similar sense of well yeah but he's also he also is a bit of a gift though because he's fucking good you know he's so fucking good like even when you have a joke that you know the idea is there but you haven't found the wording

yet he'll stumble it onto it he'll he'll see it so so you sort of tune into writing for jim and then and then yeah no that well because it was political the fucked up thing is it was political comedy too and jim's not a political you know comedian although he has done some you know it was the gun control routine sort of gave a mess like we're comedians we just call bullshit. We call out bullshit when we do, and occasionally that bullshit seems to coincide with politics. Yeah.

And then some people see that and they go, you must be a political humorist. We're like, no, no. We're just calling bullshit on certain things. Yeah, yeah. Which is the job of a comedian,

isn't it? And that's the job of a comedian. This is weird. Life's weird. That's fucked up. And here's a funny thing from that weird shit. Yeah.

If it happens to be then part of the zeitgeist or political. Yeah, no doubt some comics go, that is what I want to do. I always want to study up on what's going on with Boris right now. But there's not many good ones of those. Well, there is to their community, right? Yeah, yeah. Maybe not to us. Because we probably like more kind of social satire

and some fucked up stories and you know mental thoughts about the human condition kind of stuff but that would be uh what you would have to do is like we had researchers so they would give us some research on it we would write the jokes and so a lot of times jim was learning it for the first time too so jim could be there on the writer's room on the Friday looking at that first script going so what happened what was uh what was the Jim Jeffries show I don't know maybe some listeners don't know it was a an American like sort of you know they look like it looks like a news anchor sat at a news desk. You know those John Oliver and Trevor Noah, those sort of two-camera sort of fake TV screen here

with visual prompts for each monologue. Was it in response to the Daily Show going from Jon Stewart to Trevor Noah? It felt like there was a little bit of a sort of a moving around. There was a little bit of a power shift, wasn't there, on there on the daily yeah i also think it was just the most popular format yeah popular formats and jim had just exploded because yeah it was so good jim was like this this will be it was a jim jeffries twist on this popular format because we knew we could be a little bit edgier yeah maybe than than even the daily show and you know stretch the rules a little bit and absolutely i think we did for you know for those very very very good yeah i got a question for you that i don't know whether we've

touched on this before if another comic came to you and i'm not talking for a tv show i think that's a totally different thing and i think we'd all love to have an opportunity like that especially for a friend of ours who we enjoy writing for if a comic asked you to help write their stand-up would you do it uh yeah if they were an absolute giant yeah yeah i remember with lee evans when he was trying new material for his last tour i watched the writing process happen and i thought these dudes are obviously brilliant at what they do and they've gone too far down this route of getting it done lee evans could have done with some really good younger circuit comedians to write for them

because they'd gone so far down that oh we write our jokes and there's loads of them and then we go and do six weekends at the glees and try them out, whittle it down and put it on tour. And the jokes just, they seemed outdated. They seemed like they were being written in a style that probably worked brilliantly at the start of the 2000s or whatever. And I remember thinking, I've got old material. Do you remember my bit about Jagerbombs and the Walk of Shame, which was an early bit of my stand-up? And it was when talking about Jagerbombs and the Walk of Shame, which was an early bit of my stand-up. And it was when talking about Jagerbombs and the Walk of Shame

wasn't cliched, like it was before the film Walk of Shame. It was a newer thing. I remember thinking, Lee Evans would fucking nail that bit. It would be hilarious. There was a part of me wanting to be like, I would love to give a comedian who I respect, never my favourite comedian, but a legend, like that sort of input.

And if there was a three or four comedian team doing the same thing, I think that last tour of Lee Evans could have been even better. Not that it was shit or anything, but it just lacked a little bit of like a spark. And if it was for someone like that almost in tribute to what they've achieved and what they've done then yeah any other new comic i'll be like man i'm writing my own bits i have yeah but also when you're touring like when you're touring how many acts are you touring well you got a support act going with you and stuff like that i've got my my show

is running up did my eighth preview last night it's running at 55 minutes and the first section i'm doing crowd work there's a few bits in there yeah and so don't you have a new comic touring with you though that you're bantering with and you're bouncing some ideas off yeah i've got there's a few guys but crucially for me that tour ends on november 20th right and i've got to have a new new tour show by the summer so i haven't got a lot of it's not like i'm having so many ideas that I can be giving them away. I had a comic come to me, it was an arena level comic,

who came to me, who I actually really respect and think is really good. And they were like, look, I use writers when I'm putting my standup together. Do you want to write with me for my next tour? And I said, no.

I think he was a bit surprised when I said no. But I was like, no. And he was like, oh really? And I was like, to be honest with you, I'm trying to catch you up. And if I write a good bit, I fucking want it. Right. Well, I got to admit, writing for the Jim Jefferies show, there was a couple times where I wrote a bit,

which I knew would work in my stand-up. And sometimes you fight for a bit to get it on the show. But sometimes when I knew, like, oh, I'd like to have this. And if the head writer didn't, if it didn't make the first, I'm like, I'm not fighting to get that on the show. And I'm straight up, I'll do one tonight for you. Then I'm still like, oh, I love that this didn't make it into the show because it's just become mine. Yeah, yeah. My routine.

So you get a little bit of that. But conversely, there are times where you're writing something you're like like you were saying it would be sounding better in lee evans's uh voice yeah you know so every now and then you get those and that's that's when you can you know really push that onto it i'd have done that a friend as a bit of a a one-off and a trick like there's very few comics like i know I know the kind of guys we're talking about, the household names in this country. I like them all. I think the sound, but yeah,

like I want to, all the best stuff I have. If I spent too much time on that, I'd be like, why am I not spending time on my stuff? Yeah. Yeah. I just didn't want to do it.

If I ever had a bit that I was like, eh, and a comic was like, can I buy that? I'd be like, okay. Like if I wasn't that arse. Yeah.

But like, if I love a bit, I'm like oh yeah you're not having first refusal on my best idea so scott scott bennett my mate scott bennett who's been on he writes for other comics and i've seen him after he's been in a writer's room for a week like a few years ago we were both like we really need to step it up and i was like i'm going podcasting really feel that's where i can go and he was like i'm going right and when i really want to develop that and he's and he's done really well and we've done what we've done

and i've gigged with him on the saturday after he's done a weekend like he's been writing with jason cook and chris ramsey and he's trying exactly like you said he's like got some new bits that got rejected i reckon they're gonna work and they're fucking because they're going to work and they're fucking they work because they're topical like I'm not a big fan of topical comedy because it for me

my writing process doesn't happen that quickly and then all of a sudden you've got a joke that works and then it just looks lame in two months and there's nothing worse

than the comedian who's like so who remembers the London Olympics you're like it was long time ago dickhead but if you've genuinely

written a joke that week that's a fucking zinger, it's great. You look like a brilliant comic. But it would be like giving kids up. It would be like a surrogate fucking parent.

What do they call it when you're... Surrogate? Yeah. How long do you reckon COVID's got? I think COVID is... I think you have to have

an exceptional joke. And I think we are nearing the end to the point where people are just like I hate the fact that the special I've got coming out in September has got any sort of reference to COVID in it I only do my COVID jokes now if somebody coughs then that's my end but if not I'm taking us out of that world

we're just going to do some stand up the new stuff I'm going to start doing in a couple of weeks I will pretend the pandemic never happened. I think that's, yeah. The ones who are like, hey, did you have a good lockdown? You're like, oh, okay. We're out of that now.

We're out of that. If we get some action in five years, we'll still be leaning on it though, 100%. I bet you. Yeah, of course you will. Cause there's some absolute lazy shite, that's why. Is anybody still doing foot and mouth disease? I lived here for that shit. They are, but they now make it COVID. When was that? crazy shite that's why is anybody still doing foot and mouth disease i was i live they are

but they now make it what was that that was like 2003 or some shit wasn't it remember that we had vinegar pet look i'm doing it now my skill trip to column end he got cancelled because of mouth disease when i was on holiday i went on holiday two three weeks ago when uh there's a little i needed a book there was a 50 shades of gray on there you should have asked me I've got loads you should have written one for me just send it over in the WhatsApp group like when holiday makers

have left a book behind and then they just leave them on a little shelf like a little fucking hotel library there was 50 Shades of Grey and I was so tempted to get it

pretend I was reading it and be like oh I can't wait to write some like really lazy fucking material about this and perform it in 2016 and 17. Because there's like eras of hacky bits.

And like Foot and Mouth, COVID now. When Fifty Shades of Grey came out, you'd be at a comedy club and be like, Fifty Shades of Grey? You're like, oh, fuck. And that got replaced by Brexit. And before that it was Fritzl

I think there was an eruption of fan porn or whatever fan fantasy you know scripted porn between characters and stuff

all around 50 Shades of Grey as well there's certain things that just get in comedians heads there's so much to write about though Covid was so bad

but it gets dull so fucking quick it's like Twitter the joke gets rammed and it's done, isn't it? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. Hopefully COVID is Romeo done. Yeah, but even if it comes back, I'm not writing jokes about it. You know,

if they're like, oh, it's bad again, so I'll get back inside when I come out. I don't know. If they did that again, you know.

If they tried to do it again. The comic said monkey pox this weekend at one of my gigs and it got a giggle, but I remember thinking, okay, we'll be done with that one soon. Let's have a break, and let's have a short message from a cunt who gives us money.

Good intro. Hawaii, look at those clothes you've got on yeah looks like you need to freshen up that summer wardrobe why don't you use stitch fix.co.uk dan tell them all about it basically it's clothes in a box you don't have to choose them they send you stuff you go i like that not keen on that what that looks fit and then you pay for them if you go to stitch fix.co.uk slash weird that's how they know that we sent you. And when you keep all five items that they send you, you get 20% off.

Just to reiterate what this is, like having your own personal shopper, they know what you like, they know what you don't like, they know your sizes. They will send you five items that they think you're going to love. If you keep all five, you get 20% off.

It's just like getting one item free. It's the summer. Change it up. Lighten up your tings. Get some vests, short sleeves, shirtsys and three. It's the summer. Change it up. Lighten up your tings. Get some vests. Short sleeves shirts. Shorts. It's summer.

You need to change it up. And you need Stitch Fix. Ankle socks. Whatever you like. They will literally send whatever they think you're going to like, they'll send to you. And you need to go to stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word. That lets them know that we sent you.

And you get 20% off when you keep all five items. That is stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word that lets them know that we sent you and you get 20 off when you keep all five items that is stitch fix.co.uk forward slash word welcome back final section of today's have a word pop with jj why are you drinking them oh thanks for asking smooth i'm caught to me i'm drinking uh the energy drink sneak and you can use code word10 at checkout for a discount, maybe, and then just let them know that we've sent you sneak. It's good. You've changed.

You've changed. Honestly, big enough fucking I'm chow down on that dick. There's only 50 codes, so make sure you use it. Yeah, it's a slightly weird system. Just make sure you put word 10 somewhere in the fucking ordering process,

but it is dead nice. They're not full of sugar like other energy drinks. And they're going to pick one random person who buys this month to go on a ski trip. Yeah. I copy you. NBA, isn't it? Steve's least favorite part of this

so you'll notice when we do adverts there is there is this game we're doing the adverts it doesn't even matter it's just a quick mention for sneak adam gets bored of the corporate thing and then at the end just starts adding shit in there's so many good adverts that we've done and we've nailed it and then i'm going yeah so buy it, you fucking pedophile. If we sell two million bottles of Sneak this month, then they're going to donate ten grand to the World AIDS charity to try and cure it. World AIDS charity. The whack.

Yeah. The famous whack. That's quite minuscule. Two million bottles and they're only giving ten grand. They reckon it's only ten grand away from curing it. They're just going to push it. That's it. They've said they're only giving 10 grand. They reckon it's only 10 grand away from curing it. They're just going to push it. They've said they'll pay for the rest. So whack 10K.

We'll cover the AIDS. That's fact. These are all facts. We literally just deal in facts. Whack 10K is the hashtag. World AIDS. Hashtag. If we sell 3 million,

they're going to give one lucky blind person a new dog. Right. And they haven't got one before Or two dogs No not every blind person's got a dog There's a dog shortage for the blind There is is there Because of Covid They can't get the materials

They can't get the materials to make dogs It's the jackets The fluorescent jackets They've run out of them They might run out of dogs at one point Do you reckon there's more blind jackets. They've run out of them. They might run out of dogs at one point. Do you reckon there's more blind people than blind people dogs? Did you just say they might run out of dogs at one point? Yeah, as in like worker dogs.

No, Carl, that's absolutely ridiculous. But what animal would you like to use if they run out of dogs for blind people? Hyenas. Guide hyena. Peacocks. For the blind. You bloody don't know you're coming. Out the way, he's blind!

He's coming! Here he goes! I'm coming for some peahen pussy. Spot the blind guy. You have to be black to have a peacock as your guide dog, don't you? Hola! Here it comes!

You've got to bring some flavour. I can't be peacock. I'll go with peacock. Alligator. Oh, he likes you. All of Adam's hurt people. He's just smelling your alligator. He likes you. That's why you have

one leg. I'm just saying, watch out. If they sell four million... Carl's public health warnings are amazing. Open bodies of water and crocodile guide dogs Watch out 4 million and 1 dying child gets to go paragliding

One last time One last time That's how you kill him It's in Switzerland Open bodies of water Be careful there's people There's already been like 4, shut up, Carl. You fucking quarry nonce. There's already been like four kids die this year.

Yeah. Natural selection. Would you rather... Should we do some would you rathers? JJ. No, I don't want to. Let's hear it. We live and die by these.

Would you rather go without booze for one calendar year? You're off the source, mate. Or every time you leave the house for that year you have to constantly use an electric mobility scooter what do you would you rather what it would be right can i pimp up my mobility i've seen this with the mobility have you seen the one that looks like a chopper you know like the easy rider one yeah they've got a little bit of a handlebar like and it is just an electric nano scooter but they've made it into like a a harley which is perfect because it means you can still be on the booze yeah and drive it's not drink

driving on one of them is it no i know but you every time you leave the house you're not allowed to walk anywhere you've got to be i don't have to walk anywhere anymore you make it sound like that's a bad thing this is actually so like it's i want a pint and i like mobility scooters so this is win-win for me yeah i feel like so you want a gig on a mobility scooter because i can soup it up can't i can make it look like a harley can we walk around oh no once you you have to be in the pub you don't have to ride the mobility scooter to the toilet for a shit when you're at home. I'll give you that.

But once you're out the house, you are a constant mobility scooter. Guinness in one hand. You're a single man. What if you're taking out a lady? What if you're dancing in the... You have to go to Pop World in the mobility scooter. I just want the stairs. Forward.

In reverse. Forward. I'm quite happy to just forego Pop World in order to be able to have pint elsewhere. You'd have to be carried into Pogues. Yeah, I would, yeah. The other option is I'd be walking to P pint elsewhere. You'd have to be carried into Pogues. Yeah, would you? You know what the other option is? I'd be walking to Pogues and have to have a lime and lemonade.

That would seem like a poor decision on your part, innit? You're still going Pogues? Yes, I can't drink. But it's 3am and I love the atmosphere. Can you do a two-step in a mobile scooter? What's like a dance? Just rock it. Yeah.

Just move your shoulders. Yeah, you can do all this. I think you'd suit a mobility scooter. Do you remember that in MV? You know you want to get ripped? Go the other way. Just get world-class fat. I don't want to do that.

Just hate myself. Yeah, dead fat. You won't if you've been able to soup up the... Oh, fat people are disgusting. But if you've souped up the scooter, it's fine. Do you remember the kid in Envy? In the wheelchair? There every week?

Remember? No. And you had a carer with him. He used to boogie as well. Oh. Yeah. You do. I don't.

Every single week, there was a man at nightclub we used to frequent. And he was in a wheelchair. On the dance floor. Dancing. And his carer was always there with a WKD next to him boogying. Every single week. I can't believe you forgot that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be you. You would be the carer was always there with like a wkd next to him boogieing every single week can't believe you forgot that oh yeah yeah that'll be you you'll be the carer forward he'll drive you home at the end of the night because it's not drink driving but you could put a jet engine on your mobility

i think this is 70 mile an hour it's still not drink driving yeah what is the difference between a street mobile excuse i don't know what's like I think this is us making up our own rules. You do 70 miles an hour. It's still not drink driving? Yeah. What is the difference between a street-top mobile and a Q7 motorbike? Like, legally. About 40 miles an hour. Is it the speed that makes it? I assume so. Top speed, isn't it?

Because you can get all those electric scooters and all that stuff around LA. They top out at, like, there's a rule. I don't know what it is. I think it's 20 or 15. Is it 20? Yeah, 20 or 25 or something like that um yeah so you're not allowed to to get them going faster than that that's the law that's how they make it legal i'll be wheel size as well so can i drive like a forward focus at

15 miles an hour and it's not drink driving no no you can't you can't even be sitting in your Ford Focus shit faced and that if you're sitting in there with the keys that's drink driving even if you're not moving I'd win that in court mate I'm telling you right now if I was in court and they were like you were drink driving

I'd be like I fucking wasn't driving I was on the back seat being sick you're not allowed to pay contactless in Mackey's drive through because you're on on the back seat being sick you're not allowed to pay um contactless in mackie's drive-thru because you're on your phone while you're driving you're not allowed to do that you are with the card yeah yeah but if you mean apple pay you can't apple pay with your card in mcdonald's drive-thru it's against the law what they won't let you no you do because no one gives a fuck but legally you're in control of a car with a mobile phone in your hand which you can't do. Yeah.

That doesn't track to me. Yeah, but if you're in a McDonald's drive-thru in your garden, what the fuck you want? I will die on that hill. I'd like a... I'd go a year... I don't want to go out booze for a year. I absolutely need to go out booze for you. I don't think it's even close.

It's not even a comparison. So we're all going mobility scooters. Yeah, you're making it easier for me to be hungover. You're literally making it easier for me to be hungover. Oh my God, you're getting no sex. You're not meeting any ladies on a mobility scooter, are you? I will pick it up on me mobility scooter. Yeah, crazy the drunk ones. Put her in the basket. let's get in the basket baby let's go home babe i am your uber i say

everything works i'm just not allowed to walk but i can bum yeah good you say you've never had a one-night stand everything works but i can bum. Wag-wag lids? Sorry, one sec. We were talking in the first half. Wag-wag lids? I start? No, I'm good. Carl's never had to woo a lady on a night's house.

He's never had to pull, because he's been in a relationship since he was nine. Not nine. Nineteen. All right. And then before that was in a relationship. I'm a serial monogamist. I've never had a one-night stand, is what I'm saying.

All right, and has she ever complained? Can I was in a relationship. I'm a serial monogamist. I've never had a one-night stand, is what I'm saying. All right, and has she ever complained? Can I ask you a question? Just something from the first half about Dan. So Dan said if he took a girl back from a night out, before he fucked her, he would make her wash. Like, he makes her wash her, jump in the shower, and, you know, clean her fanny. How many times?

After I have, you know. Surely that's backfired for you more than it's worked. like a lot of farmers i like i really like a farmer's girl isn't funny for you like bum sounds like a website by the way um well i lived here long enough i can i can adjust to that lingo i i get it but dan are you saying that you go for this you go for the stinky women because you know they probably want to wash anyway and that's a bonus come back with me darling in that way oh yeah

I always go for the ones that need a wash I didn't you know cost me a lot of money I didn't use protection I just bought a lot of soap no I yeah I just don't think there's anything wrong getting out after a night out

getting a little bit of a wash it ruins the mood doesn't it well it ruins the shit when you first get back and you there's just raw

sexual energy and you just want to rip her clothes off and throw it on the bed she just wants to knock you off the mobility scooter I can't

I can't see it working no yeah it ruins the mood yeah oh that's i'm really enjoying this moment but can you go wash yeah if i notice that she smells a bit i'll like overcompensate and compliment how it thing smells so she feels comfortable with it whoa you compliment you've complimented the smell of a vagina. Yeah. Like if she gets off and there's a bit of a whiff, I'll be like, fuck it, hell. Fresh. That's the face of this podcast right there.

Yeah. Jason has not been tuned into this. He's like, oh my God, people don't talk like this. I'm a fair psychologist. Adam's like, absolutely disgusting. You ask a girl to wash, I will just compliment her. Wow. Like a a fierce psychologist. And it was like, absolutely disgusting. You ask a girl to wash, I will just compliment her. Wow, like a dying bouquet.

Ah, cabbage. But I like veg. Have you ever gone, this smells great, by the way. Have you ever done that? No, I'm not quite on the nose, no pun intended. I'll just be like, you've washed, haven't you?

You didn't do enough dancing tonight, girl. It's not sweaty enough. You're a bunch of charming fellas. Instagram DMs. I like making women feel good about themselves. Instagram DMs. Adam is young, gay, and single. Do you frequently push it straight to the shower then?

Do you take a lady back and then maybe that way you don't have to put the you know put that question on her then just listen into the shower no i'm married now and that lady washes once a week and she does it well that's how i like it um yeah just i i used to take the lead madam enjoy enjoy a complimentary mint. I will be showering. Bald man can happen quickly. And then I'll be like, why look, madam,

the water's still running. Why not use it? Like that. Give her the hint. So dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This all definitely happened. Wag wag lids.

I love the pod. Would you rather jizz every time you heard the song Happy Birthday rather jizz every time you heard the song happy birthday or jizz every time you're at a funeral that's from a lunatic that's very easy the second one funeral yeah yeah right could be at a child's birthday i mean could be the child i wasn't even thinking children but i was thinking I just hear happy birthday a lot more than I'm at a funeral. Yeah, actually you just play the numbers, don't you?

You can't get too in your head about the situation. Also, you don't have to ever go to a funeral if you don't want to. You can't avoid having a birthday. Oh my God. How bad would that be if you're in fucking Frankie and Benny's and then all of a sudden you're happy. Fucking knocking garlic bread and cheese what if

it has to be a paul bearer huh what if someone says i want you to carry it oh yeah you'd have to say no to that as well well you get you get the jizz out of the way first yeah but if the jizz happened in fact that's the worst time you're not constantly jizz happens, in fact, that's the worst time. You're not constantly jizzing, are you? It's a two-hour funeral, and you're just the whole time. You're with the pallbearer. That'd be great. It's a two-hour funeral. You're really a fucking... Those Canadian funerals go long, don't they?

It's a long climax. You don't want to be a pallbearer if you're like, oh, it's happening, and there rolls Nana. Let's get through this, boys. I'll go funeral. I think funeral is the absolute. Yeah, it was crazy. You can avoid funerals.

Yeah, the happy birthday is... That's awkward. Although maybe, you know, if you like jizzing, maybe you start turning it to other people's birthdays anyway. Mark Francis says, Would you rather fuck Katie Price and put up with all the tabloid shit she's bound to release? Free publicity.

Or bang Amber Heard and find shit on your bed. Again, it's free publicity when it's leaked to the press. So you have to have sex with one of these notorious ladies. Are they both in their prime? Yeah. I know. I think he should be now. It's Amber Heard.

I mean, it's so easy either way. These are easy decisions. James, what do you know? This is terrible to make. It's Amber Heard. I mean, it's so easy either way. These are easy decisions. James, what do you know? This is terrible to make. It's Amber Heard. They're all very easy. Hey, feel free to do one. Feel free to do...

You know you've got all that free time. Feel free. It's Amber Heard, isn't it? To prep eight seconds of play. Amber Heard's a beautiful woman. Yeah. No, it's Katie Price. Oh, no, it's Katie Price.

She's an entrepreneur businesswoman she's got an interesting family you know you meet them well we already know you're you're very uh what is it a clean you know you get you make them wash so you obviously don't want the one that shits in the bed. Yeah. So we knew where you would go. Plus, I've been with women who shit in the bed before. They're actually quite nice people when you get to know them. You keep mentioning this woman. Is it not relevant?

It's not like we're talking about being on the fucking beach, is it? This has affected you, this. How would you deal with this? He was with a lady. He went in the back way. And then later on, she pooed in the bed. Right. How would you?

Accept it? Yeah. Yeah. I cleaned the bed. Right. How would you? Accept it? Yeah. Yeah. I cleaned the bed. Shit happens. He goes to two-hour funerals. Literally shit happens. Yeah, literally shit happens.

I think Kate Price. Got any advice? Would you like to do some advice? What? Oh, this is an interesting one. This is from Anonymous. All right, Litz, I need some advice. Been with my missus for six years

and she still hasn't told her dad about me. I'm white and he didn't. That's my fault. You didn't type it that way. Hang on, I'm going to have to redo that one because he didn't type it that way. I'm white. Let me just reread that.

I'm white. She seek Indian. Oh-read that right right right I'm white and she's Sikh Indian oh no he didn't do that either I'm white and she's Sikh Indian

she is shit scared of her dad and will not tell him that I exist we have to sneak around use code word 10 around nicely

we all thought it we all we like we had to there's the heat has not helped this podcast today. There is no amount of air con that can help the ridiculous levels of fuckery that's going on.

We have to sneak around like teenagers do to do anything as a couple, even though I'm 26 and she's 27. I need some advice. Do I just fuck her off because this, even though it's going to be shy, do I knock on the house? Oh, sorry. Do I fuck her off because of this even though that would be shy? Do I knock on the house

and introduce myself? Or do I just nag the fuck out of her and wait until she grows enough bollocks to tell him about me? Any advice will be helpful because I'm completely stuck. Love the pod. Fuck Finn. Cheers. Anonymous anonymous thank you for seeking advice yeah you gotta insist that she tells him like if you're sick of that shit like

waiting for women to do stuff we'll just never get you anywhere take over option two knock on the door have a word rip the band-aid off if she's not happy it was never meant to be anyway six years her dad's a fucking idiot now he's just he's just got his beliefs hasn't he he's just no i mean he doesn't know about him at all yeah but you can do a very good job of hiding that yeah she doesn't live at his house yeah but i mean there is she's carrying on her life yeah there is a cultural aspect that i think you may be fucking six years absolutely no reason for this i think there is obviously the cultural no i know what i don't why, but I'm saying.

It's very easy. I've been seeing a Zulu for a decade. Carl, if you had sneak today, I feel like you're revved up for these. Yes. You're like, we're answering the question and Carl's going, don't worry guys. Don't worry JJ.

I've got this. It's your garden. Do what the fuck you want. You're like, you're right in on every question. I was going to call it out, but it wasn't noticeable. You're like really in on them. You're like, come on, Dan, let's get to the end of this fucking pod. Easy car.

I'm a fan of the Sikhs. You're a fan of the Sikhs? Yes. They're meek people, aren't they? They're fun. They sound like the Sikhs. I think knock it on the door and be like hi whatever it is

you gotta give her a deadline first though right you gotta go alright you got 30 days I'm knocking on the door in 30 days you gotta tell them I put it in minutes rather than days 30 minutes that's a bomb threat

you've got exactly 10 seconds. She won't be. She's bang out of order here because at some point, this has got to come out and it's been fucking well too long. You've got to just take it out of her hands.

If it all goes to shit and he's like, no, it's never going to happen. You're never going to see me daughter and she gets kicked, like whatever. Then that was always going to happen whenever it comes out.

You're just prolonging the inevitable. Don't fuck it off. You can't fuck it off. You obviously love the girl and you want to make it work. So just turn up at his, take him a present. Take him a traditional Sikh present. Fucking bag of Maltesers. I'll Google it.

Traditional Sikh gift. Yeah. Like an ornament or something. For someone who loves their Sikhs, he's going to Google. Yeah. For someone who's- Like an ornament or something. For someone who loves the Sikhs, he's got a Google. Yeah. I've been banging your Sikh daughter for six years.

Sorry, there's a little elephant for your mantelpiece. Absolutely. You're in a bad, if you really love this girl, you're in a bad spot because if she's hidden you

for six years, there is a- What else is she hiding? There is a fucking reason. Do you like this plates apparently oh loads of disc plates yeah if she's hiding this from the dad what's she hiding from him yeah exactly how many dads does she actually got and there's a 12 inch double-sided sarplow care pan whatever that is get him now yeah that'll do it there's your solution you didn't know about get him that yeah that'll do it

there's your solution you didn't know about option D or a slow cooker get a slow cooker get him a slow cooker nothing says I've been banging

your door for six years better than it's been a slow relationship it's been slow and hot yeah it's been a slow cooker

learn a traditional dance perform it for him knock on his door with the dance oh my god yeah that's what that's what all Sikh dads want

look at this guy. That's soldier boy. That's, yeah. Option E. You! Dude, dude. It's so sporty, tell them. I've been banging your daughter.

She's fit. Good luck with that, mate. You're having a fucking nightmare. Yeah, I think you've got to just knock and tell them. But don't tell her you're doing it. Don't let her know unless you're doing it. Have you ever had any difficulty with dads? Have you ever had any, like, any judgmental fathers just not liking you?

I feel like it's an easy... Yeah. Yeah, it's easy when we're comics. It's hard to maintain relationships with all our road work, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's easy when we're comics. It's hard to maintain relationships with all our road work, you know? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Even with that girlfriend that you met her, that I was with for years. That was a big problem for me because I got stranded during the Iceland volcano,

F.E.O. Jokul, or whatever. I even know the fucking name of it because I got stuck in Australia. And, yeah yeah her dad and family had an intervention with her while i was in australia and i just returned to like life with a comedian it's gonna be like this they're gonna be stranded all around the world all the time oh so the dad waited for an international event to be like this cunt's never coming home as all world plane travel was yeah yeah it was all shut down you can't even get home during volcanoes comedians pilots fuck them anyone of any significance who has to travel

for work you want a really nice shopkeeper yeah you just want a local life you keep it simple honestly if you want to get serious with someone how you get on with their family is massively important maybe it doesn't it shouldn't end things or anything but it's so like when when i told we didn't ask laura's dad if we could have permission because it's old hat and we don't do that shit it's fine you can if you want but it wasn't for us. But we rang him to say, oh, we've just got engaged. You knew you were in, right? His first response was like, brilliant. It's a no-returns policy.

It was great. Because you sound, it's fun to get on with your partner's in-laws. It's so important. Well, I think as comics, I think we all blow it out of the water when we're there. I think we all give good parents. Very charming. When we're there. But, you know, when we're on the road.

Have you ever been threatened? Like the dad threat with a girlfriend? I got threatened. Did you? By my first girlfriend I worked with. Had dad threatened you? Not threatened. Like, yeah, it was a threat.

Yeah. What did he say? Like, if you go backwards through my relationships, I've got the two most recent ones that a lot of our listeners know about you've got the one that was never really

official but was quite heavy and then you've got the first one who you know about so the most recent one the women who shall not be named

I just don't like any of them no no most recent one I've got steadily better at this because the most recent one

I got on with their parents like a fucking house on fire I loved them I could have gone for a pint with them without her they're great the ones before it was a little bit fractured at times and they were always like oh yeah we kind of like you but hey hey the the first one a mom clearly hated me a little sister absolutely adored her ex-boyfriend so she was always like you're not him no and her dad the first time i met him he he fed me chicken soup and when she went to the

toilet he went look i'm never gonna tell uh who to date and who not to date and i'll always be but i swear to god you ever do anything wrong and you won't be the first person i've put in hospital i was like so do you make this soup that's soup in his fucking face would you no god let's get this i'd kill him my god i got threatened by my first girlfriend's dad he said um we were sitting watching telly he He was like, Dad, she went to telly. He's like, you know, I'll drive you to the woods and we'll have a little chat. And that was it.

And we just kind of done watching telly and she came back. Oh, lo. Fucking dad's being fucking knobhead. 16. Wait for the first, like, cheating or the first, like, don't just preemptively go, I'm a dad and this is what I

definitely will do. Fuck off. Now I would act maniacal when my daughter wasn't around to it fellas. Like I'd threaten them but then laugh aesthetically and say I'm only messing. Go bad boys. Motherfucker you least dirty.

I ain't going back to jail. Reggie all of my rent. No I wouldn't do that. I ain't going back to jail. Reggie, what am I right? No, I wouldn't do that. I'd just be like, she got a toilet. I'd be like, so you just getting on quite well? It's going well or not? You know, I'll literally like, I've made it, people have got away with it.

I'm only messing, don't worry about it. But yeah, ready for myself. Don't answer, don't do anything because it's gonna be the next. You're scaring me. Yeah, I'll just be like that. Cause then, if it ever goes to court, Don't answer that Because it's me the next It's scaring me Yeah I'll just be like that Because then

If it ever goes to court I've laughed So it was a joke And that's how that works Yeah because that always works That's again Welcome to the Have a word

Legal podcast And that is You can take that To any courtroom Yeah Just make sure in life You laugh After whatever you say

if you're in the garden and you cock out and you put an axe in someone's head as long as you laugh they just don't know how to take a joke lad if you want to settle down with this girl, you need to find out what's going on with this family. I would cut to the chase. I'd take his advice. One of these. You can't be fucking around like this for much longer.

Good luck with that. I think that's a pod. I'm sweaty. We haven't got any other stuff. I think we call it a POD. End of it. JJ, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me, guys.

Can you tell everyone what your Instagram, Twitter, and all those handles are where they can find you and any content you want to promote, like specials or albums, where they can find it? Yeah. Well, it's JJ Whitehead, but JJ Whitesnake on a lot of social media, so on Instagram and stuff,

because I was drunk when I signed up for it. I didn't think it would be around for long. So yeah, JJ Whitesnake, JJ Whitesnake, you'll find me. And yeah, I've got some albums out there. They're on everything on iTunes and all that kind of stuff. So yeah, I'm putting a lot of stuff up on Instagram lately. Wonderful. Make sure you all follow JJ, like his stuff, share his stuff.

Tell your friends. Quickly, if you're coming to see me in September at Hot Water, I think it's the 18th, could you check your emails? You'll have got an email from Hot Water Comedy Club. It might have gone in your spam. They need to move some tickets to a different date. So check your spam folder if you've bought tickets to me to the september tour date the smasher tour date have a little check not if

you're at any of the other shows that's fine just a liverpool hot water day in september check your inbox and respond to the email they're going to move some tickets around it's all good still seeing the show. It's all gravy. There's been an extra date added in November because we've sold so well, but they just need to do a little bit of admin. So check your inbox.

Tickets for the Hathaway live show at the arena. Still about, there's a few left. As if you watched last week's episode or listened, you'll know we opened up the very final seats of the arena. Phenomenal to be able to say that. They are on sale now. Once they are gone, they are gone. These are the very last seats on sale.

You can get them from ticketquarter.co.uk or gigsandtours.com. I have no solo shows at the minute. Damn, that's going to be fun, man. That's going to be a fun show for you guys. It's going to be chaos. It's going to be killer. As the year goes on, I'm going to put several sort of work in progress shows,

Adam Rowan Friends on, so do keep an ear out for that. And as we said earlier in the episode, me and Carl are launching a football show to coincide with the World Cup. And later this week, we will launch our Fantasy Premier League. It's a sort of soft launch that,

to open up the sports wing of Havowood, which has been a long time coming. Carl, have we got any music? Yeah, we have. This is from Ignite Maze. They are a three-piece alternative punk rock band from South Wales, and their tune is called Letters To Laura.

Wonderful. As you all know by now, if you are a YouTube viewer, you don't get the music, because copyright will fuck us, but that does go out on the audio version, so now, if you are a YouTube viewer, you don't get the music because copyright will fuck us. But that does go out on the audio version. So enjoy that if you're the audio. If you're a YouTube guy,

thank you very much. We really appreciate it. Tell everyone about us. And if you're not a Patreon yet, you're missing out on the best Patreon on planet Earth. Cheers, JJ. Appreciate you.

Thanks, man. Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks, fun. Au revoir. Au revoir. Bye. appreciate you thanks man thanks man thanks man thanks man thanks man au revoir bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I for me when I found I felt differently.

The truth is that it's been my truth since birth. And I never began to question until your honest answers crept in. And rose my demons from the earth. And you were so, so, so damn sure. So strong and yet so vain Goddamn, you opened my eyes I won't be the same Oh, Laura, Laura, Laura

There's nothing I can do Oh, Laura, Laura, Laura I wish that I were brave like you There's no worse tragedy than a broken family Only 14 on Christmas Eve with her crying on my shoulder And I won't pretend to imagine the pain that you were both left in, but what she did to him can't be forgiven. And you so, so, so damn know he loved you like his own. Goddamn sister, I miss you, but the seeds are gone. Oh, Laura, Laura, Laura.

I wish you knew the truth. Oh, Laura, Laura, Laura. We only want the best for you. Oh! The best for you Oh Laura, Laura, Laura There's nothing I can do Oh Laura, Laura, Laura We only want the best for you