Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #182 with Alun Cochrane - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 24, 2022

Tickets for Have A Word Live at the M&S Bank Arena as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Pact Coffee | https://www.pactcoffee.com50% off your first and third order with promo code: WORD50 Athletic Greens | https://athleticgreens.com/haveawordFree one year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel bags.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastAlun Cochranehttps://instagram.com/AlunCochraneADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me yes i just want to say with every fiber of my being you Oh, yeah. For the audio listener, just imagine you're just seeing the Amazon rainforest and if you keep

going down the Amazon, get us on fucking rowing, do it. That looks Turkish. Med. I feel like a sex god.

Do you? Do you? Do they wear North Face? You look like a car washer. You look like some inside, outside. You want £20 Super Valley?

Keep keys with me, mate. Get my friend Mahmood to do the boot. That awkward moment when they open the door like, I love meth. How's your life? Better than mine? Fuck me. What was that line in Family Guy?

I used to be a cardiologist. It's just awful. And then they give you an air freshener that costs less than one penny yeah and makes it the car smell worse than they did before it keeps yeah i love my little air freshener they keep their scent for about 25 jellies are the best jelly bellies oh someone's doing all right with that patreon money Jelly bellies. Oh, someone's doing all right with that fucking Patreon money. And they're expensive. Fucking jelly belly air freshener.

Fucking made of pure rubber, like. Guys in a PVC. The car park next to my building has a valet center. Oh, what don't you have in this fucking building? It's good, isn't it? Fucking a masseuse on level five. A cleaner on level two. A fucking ship. The cleaner's just moved.

That was actually the fucking rat. I've got to find a new one. Already? Yeah. Did you use her once? I will not use a cleaner that resides somewhere else. No, they don't do town.

Cleaners do suburbs. They don't do city centres. Where's she moved? What? Cardiff? Oh, she's moved. How fucking messy was your place? No, lad.

I'm leaving the country. I love Britain, but i'm leaving england get me out um i wanted to put a long sleeve on today i don't know why but i i didn't want i'd normally have a t-shirt on the do we all just have a collective stroke one of the lights is going down what did just happen someone what are you too sexy for the lighting, Adam? Too sexy for the lights. Too sexy for the lights. So sexy, the lights. You, yeah, phenomenal.

Really like it. Why long sleeve? What happened there? I just, I did a wash the other day, and this was still hanging up. So I was like, oh, I'll put that on. But then it was too, I was like, I can't have a T-shirt or something like that,

then I'll be too hot. Because it's, you know, it's not quite as hot as it was yesterday and the day before, but it's still warm. It's come right down. It's come right down to normal British summer heat now,

hasn't it? 20 degrees. Yesterday, and, I mean, it was a two-day heat wave. Yeah. And I was done. I was, if someone had gone, like, cool, it's winter now,

I'd be like, wicked, let's do it. I went street drinking. With friends, not with people who live on them streets tell me about it um can just tell me about it um i met uh alfie brown no and his lovely partner jesse jesse and their um several month old baby you went but you can't give boost to baby um a baby I didn't know because Jessie's breastfeeding

and she was breastfeeding the baby while we were on Castle Street but she was also having an Aperol split and I didn't know when you were

feeding babies your tits that you could booze I thought that might end up getting the baby pissed if you get on Mumsnet

I reckon what the fuck is Mumsnet Mumsnet it's Facebook for, you know. Mums. It's just a lot of fucking, this has happened to my baby. And then you get every possible like,

there's a rash on the back of his leg. What is it? And someone's like, it's probably just dermatology, like to contact dermatitis or change what you're, and then other ones are like, it could be baby AIDS. Like it's, within three comments, someone's like, it's probably Al-Qaeda. Like it's that ridiculous.

Three normal comments about allergies or what you're washing your clothes with. And then someone going, is it meningitis that he's got through his balls? It's that ridiculous. I fucking hate mums there. Better for everyone to be off it. And I'm sure if you went on there,

they'd be like, alcohol and breastfeeding. But you know, maybe it's like your Guinness. Yeah. Yeah, Aperol splits. No, but like, maybe there's like, you know, you're like 28 Guinness is good for me.

Yeah. Maybe if you're breastfeeding, it's like five Aperol splits after that. Just one Sambuca. She wouldn't have a second one. She only had one. Me and Alfie had a couple of pints. Just a loosener for the baby.

Like, oh, this milk's so good. Castle Street in Liverpool in the sun is just... Oh, I love Castle Street. The architecture. I love that castle. On top of... Like, it's such a sun trap. Good bars.

Good vibes. Where is it? Where is it? I'll know it. Is this where you bailed after Molly? Before you got off? You sat down. Know where you left from?

Duke Street, then Castle Street. Dale Street. Dale Street. Right, cool. Yeah. So good. It's very very very good I'd love drinking in Liverpool

had a little booze there um Alfie and Jesse went home for some pizza my friend met me we went for some steak at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant

not great no no the one just near Liverpool one that faces yeah the bread street one I wanted to try it for a while

went for the steak no it was fine okay and then went back to Castle Street for more while Went for a steak Nah It was fine Okay And then went back to Castle Street For more booze And then went to Pogues Of course

I was in bed by Where everybody knows your name I was in bed by midnight though I had a really really good And sensible night Did you do a run yesterday? What? No

Oh you're back Back to square one No I've got a personal training session At 7.30 tomorrow morning Before I go to London He's bulking He's bulking That He's bulking.

That was a bulking day, wasn't it? I had to get me Guinness in. Yeah, yeah, you're bulking. Do you know what I had with me steak? As me sides, I had honey roasted carrots and cabbage. No chips. So suck a fart out of my cunt. Oh.

Oh. You healthy man. You had a steak followed by a Pogues. Sorry, fucking Joe Wicks. I had like four beers look at him he's happy he's bulking he's bulking with mojito and they say that weightlifters you talk to them they're like mojito mojito mojito i woke up today hot and a bit hung over and i was like oh today's gonna be grim but i got a shower went for a walk got a coffee

and i genuinely think i might be in the best mood I've ever been in. I feel good. I love it when he's flying. It feels good. The rowey coaster. We're all on the rowey coaster, mate. I'm having a fucking anxiety attack. This is a hard time.

Down we go. Up we go. I'm fucking amazing. I feel handsome. I love it. So excited. I just had a really nice night. Fucking brilliant.

Do you know what I mean? I had a really good night. I don it. So excited. I just had a really nice night. Fucking brilliant. Do you know what I mean? I had a really good night. I don't give a shit. If you come here fucking chest hair out in this mood, we are flying. Now, I've got one for the, are you all right, Colin? Bored of us yet?

No, are you getting your chest flung off? Why is that hairy chest? Can you see the grey? Sexy after, wasn't it? First grey hairs are coming through on the tits. Ooh. I don't know how I feel about that. I've got a lot of salt and pepper going on the beard.

I'm fine with that. It's not salt and pepper, is it? It's more like cumin and salt. It's no pepper. It's very, very salt and pepper. Smoked paprika and salt. For some reason, I'm not arsed about that. Don't mind a little bit of that.

It doesn't bother me at all on a man it looks you can look like George Lam on a woman disgusting disgusting old bitch

die today but they can die today a lot more just saying the beard I'm not talking about on a woman Laura Shaves

manscaped.com if you've got a hairy hairy wife I don't mind it in the beard you've got a hairy, hairy wife. I don't mind it in the beard. I've got a few in the chest. Why is that bothering you? I don't, I feel like my first grey pube is coming.

Yeah. And I don't know how I feel about this. Well, this is pubes, isn't it? Right. Cock pubes. Cool. Not everything on my beard is called pubes. That was the, you know what? You did it on purpose

I don't mind an accidental touch Considering how close we've become And how successful this pod is Do not enjoy physical contact With rowey bags That's my rowey coaster When I'm like But

Grey pubes So you're fine with grey hair You're fine with it happening Oh grey hair Grey beard Let's say A man can work it George Lamb Sexy boy You can work it it happening Oh grey hair Grey beard Let's say A man can work it George Lamb

Sexy boy You can work it Hey George Lamb went grey Early Mid 20s Yeah yeah My mate Felix Who I did show me the sample with

He went grey Fucking really early Early 20s And he'd gone silver If you told me right now If a genie came down And was like What's happening

Right Got some news for you Scouse genie Lad Rub on that It's not me dick If he came down and was like what's happening right got some news for you scout genie lads rub on that it's not me dick if he came down i was like look i can tell the future got some news for you i can show you my lamp close your eyes if he went you'll go you can either sort of take your chances with your hair for the rest of your life or right now i'll guarantee you within six months you'll go you can either sort of take your chances with your hair for the rest of your life or right now i'll guarantee you within six months you'll be fully gray but you'll never go

bald i would sign up for that immediately oh i would sign it with immediately i'm quite happy to sit here with a proper philip scofield going on yeah and just have a wayne lineker yeah even though he's a fucking paedophile? Let me just... I sort of forgot who I was talking to. Just VAR, what happened there? If a genie came down and was like, Adam, lads, you can go silver fox like a fucking weird Iranian father Christmas right now.

Or you could go bald. I'd say, fuck you, genie. I will never go bald like a weird shiny balded eddie pedo that'd be the worst thing i can imagine i'd shoot myself and all my loved ones i'd shoot your loved ones just to end the misery of being fucking bald what do you think dan are you bald done show the world you can't drink that either listen listen listen you shoot it if i go bald i'm gonna look like someone's took all the accessories off a mr potato head listen homeboy when it comes to the old bald right right, it is what it is.

Yeah. I went bald when I was still relatively fuckable. I was thin. No, give me a break. We were going out. As soon as I saw it, clipped it. Gone. Shaved head.

There was people. I clipped my head. It was the same era as Beckham when he had a shaved head. It wasn't unheard of of people with hair to shaveaved head. There was people... I clipped my head when... It was the same era as Beckham when he had a shaved head. It wasn't unheard of of people with hair to shave their head. I just dealt with it. I think if you go further down that line and you start getting into your 30s and things, you know, get a few fucking grey hairs here and there

and you're starting to feel a bit, like, older, to then lose your hair, I think, weirdly, it's worse. Yeah. You'd think it was the other way round. Like, God, if you lose your hair i think weirdly it's worse yeah i think you'd think it was the other way around look like god if you lose your hair early but i don't know i just it happened so early dealt with it never ever tried to be like what going to fucking turkey and getting plugs or i would literally go to the second i've seen any sign of hair loss i will be in turkey i think that you know i think there has to be a decent level of hair loss you can't like oh my god i don't like me here Because they'll be like, no

I think they'll do whatever they want I think you're genuinely alright There's a thickness to it That I don't think is going Have you got ginger pubes? Yeah, a little bit No, sort of mousy blonde Because I wasn't ginger, my beard's just a bit red

My grandad, old Len, Leonard Sharples What a name Yeah, Len, he's literally my Body type, my wasn't ginger my beard's just a bit red my granddad old len leonard sharples uh he yeah len len he's literally my body type my my hair and my facial hair i've seen pictures of him when he was a bit younger and he had a gingery sort of his facial hair grew a bit gingery and his um and he was bald but apparently that's where a lot of your genes for it come. It come from your mum's dad. So my grandad Vinny, my mum's dad, had jet black hair

until he was like 70 and he didn't dye it. No. Right. Weirdly, my pubes are jet black. Isn't that mad? So mad.

Yeah, but you've got black hair. I've got quite light brown hair, really. Like, my pubes are jet black. My cock looks like an elephant with a Chinese haircut.

My mum's dad had an afro. What? My mum's dad had an afro. Afro hair. Your mum's dad? Had an afro. Not often I do that for you, Carl. And it's actually bullshit as well.

It is a bullshit. You went grey, though. I say I'm not dreading going grey at all. I think men can work it. And women can die very easily. They're here. Yeah, they're weak. You have to be careful.

Come here, love. You're stronger. Right, okay. Yeah they're weak You have to be careful Come here love You're stronger Right okay I think you'll suit it If it happens I think you'll suit it Long may this Long may this You fucking wanna suit

Your suit You wear anything With a bit of confidence Well Rob Mulholland Didn't wear a hat On Dead Men Talking Last week And

You just do that thing And you're like Oh lad Like it's just weird the visual is weird I've not worn a hat I think for two of the

maybe a hundred if you include Patreon there was one when Ishan was in when I think you had Covid first Ishan I forgot my hat

and I didn't wear it and someone messaged me and went someone tweeted I fucking hate bald Dan and I went so do i he was like mate

massive respect i love you it's just really hard to look at you with that massive respect so mean massive respect but you're hard to look at without a hat on but i think because i've gone so far down the line when we're in here wearing a hat and and i wear the the the pork pie on stage but in normal life i don't wear a hat all the time at home yeah non-performing you don't sleep in your pork pie like your brother you've got a very definite look even at bedtime are you off though you could do an outline of your face without your features no No, it's you. So on, no, it's you. What? Oh, no, it's me. I did the Shrewsbury Gala on Sunday and there was a projector that was putting the logo

onto the back of the screen. And I, like an idiot, I was like, oh, I'll just have a little wander around the back. Just wandered in front of it. And the most definite like silhouette of me was projected massive. Someone got a picture of it so i it was while steve royal was on so i went back on i was like did you see me walking from the project they were

like yes so i was like cool well i'll wait till at some point in the show i'll i'll decide who i know well enough to fuck up their set by walking out and then flo and joan were on and they had a technical issue and i was like oh yes it's my chance they were like flapping because the keyboard wouldn't play so i went just had a little wonder it's fucking great getting laughs when you're not on stage and then i did a little fucking like finger puppet fight quality fun um yeah very definite silhouette i think you look great gray man i think it looked good and you know maybe next episode you'll come in those jet black pubes will be out for a change. It is an interesting start.

How often do you shave your pubes? Change my pubes? How often do I change them? The Mr. Potato Head pube edition. Oh, that'd be so good. I shave my pubes sort of when I notice it's getting out of hand. I shave my pubes when I look down there and be like, I wouldn't want to suck that.

But that happens overnight, doesn't it? Yeah, when there's endangered species of birds that are like, caca! Whenever I go for a piss in the morning

and a pigeon flies up my pants, I'm like, do you know what? Time for a walk. Time for a walk. It's a fucking cockatoo in me pubs. I,

this is weird. I trim my pubes when, like, as part of a going out you know when you're like right going out and it's

absolutely from when I was single I'd be doing that three times a week wouldn't I yeah yeah yeah but if Laura ever caught me like

you know clearly getting ready for a night out and trimming my pubes she'd be like what are you doing that for there's no it's no correlation to my life now

but that was part of the back in the day you're like single before a date oh you fucking romantic bastard i mean because like just you just never know how a date's gonna go sometimes it goes that way and you don't want to you know you don't want to be surprising the girl i don't yeah with you ever wash your cock in a pub sink? Yeah. Oh yeah, I've washed my dick, yeah. What if you got caught doing that? By you,

eh? I, I have, No, that's the men, the landlord. No, not in a pub,

not in a pub. I have definitely washed my penis in a bathroom. Like, you know, when you've gone back. Me too,

this morning, in fact. It's good that you don't do it in the kitchen In a house party or something Like a house party No I think going back to theirs I've washed my penis Thinking I might get noshed off here I don't know how salty it is

That's weird though Because I wash a lot I'm not I'm like a two showers a day If you want to be extra short It's clean Yeah But I'm not

I don't know why It's dirty But you get sweaty Yeah it's clean yeah but I'm not I don't know why but I have definitely but you get sweaty in my head yeah it's clubbing Adam's cake's dead rest in peace can I ask you a question Dan

it's your special it's your available on tour can you show me Adam's cake because he's definitely dead now he's been alive for 18 months it's a cake. It's your available. Can you show me Adam's cake? Because he's definitely dead now. He's been alive for 18 months. Oh, he's all right.

Oh. How is that possible? These are made of cake. And the only thing that's going is the fucking hands. Where's your hands gone? They're like they got stuck in a house fire. Like, I tried to save the baby. And you walk out and someone says something.

What? How are they still going? It's insanity. Don't put it. Oh my God, these seams. They're not coming to the new studio, these, are they? No, because you've got actual plastic. I've got a pubescent question.

Dan, what is your, when you do shave it yeah right it's this gonna you're gonna think this is wild right what is your source what does it look like when you finished great i'm so glad this is how in tune we are i was waiting for a lull and i was gonna access you the same question i can tell i can tell you mine i get my manscape.com and i know it's you think it's bullshit i get the lawnmower 4.0 that.com and i know it's you think it's bullshit i get the lawnmower 4.0 that's actually fucking very good it's excellent for it yeah yeah um so i go from one leg to the over the top i create a line under my belly yeah over my dick so there's not like just like endless pobs going on that's a clip that but then a wet

shave down each inner thigh I just do a few little wet shaves I've got hairy thighs me I've got hairy thighs so here's the thing right no you absolute seal the animal not the singer either clue um so what i do is

fucking bunsen burner i manscape that me inner thighs the the the afro you know the above your cock bit mons pumice this bit the triangle The thatch There I manscape there Me inner thighs Me Do you leave some Do you leave some tuft in Wait So I manscape

Sorry I was rushing the pubes Me afro Me inner thighs And all over essentially Right Including the gooch And then Woah

You manscape the gooch And then I get a wet shave And I go from Essentially from arsehole to cock so from me arsehole to me cock i'm as bald as the day i was born and then from literally the like so like my cock starts here the mons pubis the mons pubis i leave that manscaped right so i essentially just i didn't enjoy the journey but i know yeah do you know like

carl from the simpsons i have his face is my cock and his head is above it yeah great yeah wow i get it i get it right okay yeah i know i know what you mean basically i want to show any prospective lady that i have the ability. You have a... Why is Neil Warner... No, that's Carl's just reaction to me. Why is Neil Warner... That's just Carl's reaction to my... He wet-shaved his gooch.

You must have an itchy gooch for a couple of days. No, it's fine. I think I've just desensitized to it. Wow. If a girl's going to lick your gooch, you don't want her to have it, do you? Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Maybe I need to shave my gooch. Girls don't want it to have hair on it. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Maybe I need to shave my gooch.

Girls don't like gooch pubes in the mouth. Fact. All of them. Gooch pubes? You don't want it? No one likes a hairy gooch. No. Literally no one.

I basically, I want to show. A fluffy perineum? I want to show that I've got the ability to grow pubes, but then show I've got the decorum to take them all away, to make their time down there better and that's the best of both worlds so i essentially have a hat on my car there is nothing more than a millimeter two millimeters you're like a number two for the mons pubis everything else i don't even i literally just go yes oh there's now there's

now down there oh no oh you're summer ready, you guys. I have a number one. Like, it's... I have a nought. I don't put the card on it at all. No, no, no. I mean, I gave myself a number one. I've got the...

Talk me through the balls. What are you doing with the balls? Wet shave. Yeah. People think that's... You wet shave your bollocks. Oh, I wet shave my bollocks. But what you'd have to do...

You'd have to have a Gillette Mac 3. You'd have to have a Gillette Mac 3 You'd have to have a Gillette Mac 3 But you'd have to like Pull your Yeah I know I would too So that it's taut Why do Why

That high You've got to make sure There isn't a breeze In case you fucking You've got to get as taut as possible Because then it won't cut Then it won't cut He puts it over his shoulder

Never Lads Never shave your balls On the beach Because you'll end up surfing i reckon parasailing adam's parasailing nice i've never wet shaved below the belt never not one you need to shave your balls why i just threw it with the manscape it does the same well it feels like you're going to be nicking central It's very hard to nick your balls on a wet shave. You don't nick it with the Manscaped, you know.

4.0. All right. We're not. Yeah, yeah, all right. What are you laughing at? Steve doesn't agree with us. What do you do, Steve? We can't hear.

Stay on the mic. We'll get to see. Right. Why are we losing every sponsor on the podcast? Why? Because Manscaped is fucking quality. I need to get rid of that can after this. Sneak's amazing.

I just fancied one on something else. Sneak's amazing, but other products aren't available. Pour off. Get off. Put it in a glass then. I'm not putting it in my cum-guzzling whore mug. Things said at work. We need to start writing down the things said at work.

Yeah. What's my manscape? I want to know what your cock looks like. So I wait. I've got no hairs on the shaft. Unlike you. Yeah. Neither have I.

Cause I take them off. But I've got a hairless shaft. I go above. Well, I've got, I've got the, the control to give myself a number one without the thing. You know what I mean? Right. I do my beard. Me own beard as well. I've got a hairless shaft. I go above. Well, I've got the control to give myself a number one without the thing.

You know what I mean? Right. I do my own beard as well. I've got practice. And then I do like the end of my thighs a little bit, but I've got quite hairy thighs still. And then I trim the gooch, so it's shorter. You trim it?

Get some scissors out? No, I use the Manscaped again. Run it through your fingers. Don't say scissors. Steve's like, don't say scissors. We're not sponsored by scissors have a word party's brought to you today by scissors good for cutting things and safer than a knife i use scissors to cut pizza very very useful and people it's not the

maddest thing when you see it when you see it yeah it makes you sound special needs But I have seen it Finn I wanna know What your Turkish Bellend looks like White fro It's not that different To a regular bellend But Got a massive dick mate

Hello mate Look at my Turkish cock mate Look what I have done For you mate The bulgur's bodrum I have shaved Moon and the star You can get that done

In Turkish barbers though Oh yeah yeah yeah Manscaped They'll manscape you Get the name of the president Shave the shaft In your pubes The one

Shave the shaft I'm with you on the Wait who was it That shaved their gooch Me Yeah I'm with you on that one And then I will also Trim the inner thigh

And then keep it neat But I don't have a manscaped I've not I've not got one and what code would you use uh word 20 thank you for free shipping free shipping and 20 off i think yeah nice one and some that's how you do other things with it jesus christ if i have to drink out of a cum guzzling whore mug this section isn't sponsored by manscape by the way it might seem like it is so much, but it's not.

What do you like on a lady? Because you're a heteronormative young man. Totally bald. I like corn roads. Corn roads. Oh, we're going to Jamaica. No, like plaited pubes and that kind of girl. They look good and it keeps them out of the way.

On a white girl? Yeah. Oh, you can't culture appropriate with your fanny. Why? No, you can't. Because you're not going to get called out for it, are you? What about ringlets? You get them out in public.

What about ringlets? What? What do you think about ringlets? I don't know what ringlets are. You do? Just curls. Yeah, but they're specific to a certain... Sure.

Let's not do that. I believe in a woman's free... I know what you're trying to do. It's just not... I believe in a woman's freedom to choose you're trying to do I believe in a woman's Freedom to choose She can have whatever She likes down there Corn rope Corn rope yobbs

Corn rope yobbs Come on bro What if I could choose Yeah Have they got beads on them What Have they got beads on them Yeah

Oh it'd be like One of them curtains Your nana had for flies Come through How I love Put the kettle on. Fucking Desmond. There's a pussy there.

What would you choose, though, if you could? If I could choose, I think, to be totally honest, you just want it bald, you just want it shaved to fuck. I don't like hairs anymore. Shaved to what? I don't like hairs anymore. Exactly. I know girls don't either.

That's why we do our thing. It's coming back though, isn't it, a little bit? There's more piobs. It doesn't seem like porn stars

are affected by feminist thinking at the moment. They've got hairy pussies, hairy armpits and opinions. Porn stars?

Adam Rose new stuff, flying. I love it. Porn stars have got more pio stuff, flying. Love it. Porn stars have got more, more piobs these days. Not all of them,

some of them. It's a specialist subject, isn't it? It's like a specialist, it's a search. No, I don't think it is. Lana Rhodes has got

some piobs on her and she's the biggest porn star at the moment, I think. I thought she'd stop being a porn star. No, she's like a podcaster.

Oh, really? Yeah. Because they all get abused, don't they? Quite the back catalogue hasn't she an arsehole quite the arse you think that was a euphemism the fucking back catalogue on that yeah you know you're good at something if you're retiring at 24 no but have you heard like your mea califa everyone either talking about the the industry you know horrible she's talked a lot of bollocks though aren't you me I'm not trying to underestimate,

if she's talked about abuse, that's fine. But I remember her going, I've retired, all I did was 12 scenes. You're like, well, I've seen 38 of them.

So unless you add two different camera angles on the same thing, come on Mia, I get it. I'm not, like, it's a course. People are so anti-porn.

Like, there's Porn protesters I get it Like There must be Some level of Abuse and There's young girls

Having the advantage Taken of them But at the same time There's a lot of porn stars Getting fucking paid As well Like Lana Rose I wouldn't say

There was a locket And paid Really I wouldn't say that at all No I think it's a very Very very Mine used to Making any decent money Off it Alright think it's a very very very mine used to making any decent money off it

alright so it's a bit like football it's a bit like football yeah the Premier League is quite small and then there's a lot of Sunday League the Plymouth Argyle porn stars

are getting fucked over mate mate I like the Sunday Leaguers who just get in there you know £10 a week £10 a week subs and it's rough

you can come away with that's Only it's rough. You can come away with That's OnlyFans, isn't it? You can come away with a broken leg. Well, that's why OnlyFans has become a thing because they're like,

well, we're not fucking getting it. They're getting real money at OnlyFans if you're good at it. Yeah. But porn stars, like 99% of them

are getting fuck all. Yeah, Capture Me Outside lady is the girl from, what was she on? Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, yeah. Catch me outside,

how about that she's made 50 million 50 million she's made bank it's not because she's not attractive

but she's interested she's got a good body she's got that scally thing going on yeah Pov yeah Pov yeah she's just a bit weird isn't she

and she does the individual messages thing like the kid from In Between Us you know he made 300 grand from going happy birthday you can yeah here didn't she and she does the individual messages thing like the kid from uh in between us you know he he made 300 grand from going well happy birthday you can't yeah how many fucking times do you have to do that well a lot of celebrities do it like i've i keep turning them down cameo and memo have contacted me so many times oh they love it and i keep having to go

i don't want to do it like i don't want to have the obligation. Sometimes, like, one of our fans messages us, like, can you do a happy birthday message? And sometimes I'm like, yeah, absolutely, and I'll do it. And we do them in here sometimes. And sometimes I just forget. If we don't, there's a lot coming through. My DMs have a lot of, like, it's my so-and-so's. Can we have a shout-out on the pod?

You're like, come on, guys. There's 180,000 people watching and listening to when someone gets in touch and asks for one for themselves, that happens quite a lot to me. I haven't got anyone who cares. Do you care, Adam? I get someone going, oh, my boyfriend's a big fan of the podcast, or my girlfriend's a big fan of the podcast.

Could I have a little video message because it'll be a surprise. I can sort of get that. I wouldn't like particularly want that from someone i'm into like their work well you would want from luke combs no i wouldn't like if you get anyone i mean because it's it's not real is it you've paid them to do it or like he doesn't give a shit the same way i don't give a shit you're just you're just being nice if you pitch it right. It's better than a birthday card.

Because when we mentioned Jason Lee on the podcast, who was a random figure of fun in Premier League football 25 years ago, he had a pineapple on his head. People sang, he's got a pineapple on his head. And then he played for Watford for a bit. Can't remember who sent it. Was it Indy Clone? Yeah.

Got him to do a little message And that That was funny That was funny That was well pitched I'd rather you get me like I don't know Chris Akabusi doing it For a laugh

Than Luke Combs I've looked for Chris Akabusi And he's not doing it anymore Genuine Devastated Yeah But when someone messages me Like it's me birthday

Could you do me a video Saying happy birthday I'm always like, for you? Is that me or is that a bit odd? Yeah. Yeah, don't take offence if you don't get one back, but there's so many people asking for them. Now, do take offence, it's weird.

Also, if you ask us what bars to go at Liverpool and don't reply, that's because... Is that your least favourite one? Yeah, I've no offence. I just, I can't tell you where to go in Liverpool because I've had that many messages saying, I'm going to a stag do next week. Where should we?

I'm not tip advisor. Just, I'm sorry. I just can't. My favourite one is when I get a DM going, hey, have you ever thought about getting Michael McIntyre on the podcast? Or hey, have you ever thought about getting insane famous person who's funny here on the podcast? Yeah, we have.

Yeah. We've thought about all of them. Mate, i like the jekyll and hyde ones that start like hey dan you're fucking bnx riding nonce in all seriousness you've really helped with my mental health it's been the roughest two years of my life so you know keep don't touching kids bye i had it like i like it non-summit but if i don't respond it's just because it's a lot yeah

I respond to a lot of people I'm trying to get out of my DMs a bit no I stay in them because I try and reply to everybody but if it's like lad where shall I go to

I'm just like nah if I tried to reply to everybody I would never not be on my phone and I'm already never not on my phone

that's something that Laura really we spoke about earlier in the year and she was like, when you come home, I just feel like you're not present. And it's because we, what happens is it's a weird thing where we sit here and record and we don't go on our phones.

Like we don't do any business stuff about the pod. We just do the thing. And after the afternoon of it, if we've constantly had a guest in and we've been here like four hours, I realize i've got a bit of a backlog so i was coming home and then going shit and this is before steve was here so there'd be fucking like stuff to do and i was getting home from being out for six hours and then just being on my and part of it was me trying to be too contactable in my dms so i've taken a step back i'm trying to be better at that because i'm there's a this is gonna get crazy big yeah you can't answer everything no i answer a lot though i'm having to

try in social situations like when me and carla together like we went to glasgow at the weekend which we spoke about some patrons to see jerry cinnamon we're on our phones quite a lot in each other's company because we work together we've spent so much time together as best mates and we we're literally trying to make each other laugh constantly but it's very easy for me and you to both go on our phones i've started when it's in all the social situations i'm making a proper conscious effort and i i know now if my phone lights up with a notification i'll go on it and then i'll check everything so like i've been on a couple of dates and i'm doing that i'm literally face down and it's over there and i'm like a lot of people see that as a red flag you know what i can just do no but i mean a relationship i mean oh yeah i know you were the really suspicious fucking person on you yeah yeah me and dean went

for food before uh the preview in Stourbridge on Friday. And because it's Dean and he's supporting me on, Dean Coghlan from the Mile High Club, because he's supporting me, he's working for me that night. We're mates. We get on really well. It was dead nice hanging out with him. He's a great support act, but he's also great behind the scenes.

Dead chilled out. Like, loves what we do. I like what he does. He's great company. But I just, I made the point of going, it would be fine for me to be on my phone because i'm like we're sort of in this is a working thing i was like putting it there just fucking leave it have a chat have a fucking meal especially with your uh with your partner i i have to do it especially like when you're trying to get to know someone you're like because my adhd is bad enough as it is like trying to get to know someone. You're like, yeah. Because my ADHD is bad enough as it is. Like trying to focus on someone.

You're trying to take an interest and trying to be interesting and respond to stuff. And also people are smart. You can tell like, but I hadn't actually thought that that is it. That is a well-known red flag, isn't it? Yeah. Because it's like, what are you hiding?

Yeah. Because like, oh, I don't want you to see the notifications I'm getting. All my banners, the only thing I get is Seneca, because that's the only person I want to reply to. Everything else is off, banner-wise. So my Instagram's off, and me WhatsApp is on, apart from for groups.

So all me groups are muted until I go on the app. But like, individual WhatsApps come through now, just for when I'm... Dressing rooms, bad. Dressing rooms is one of those ones where when you're in a dressing room to just say you're in there for 40 minutes before a show starts to be the dude that's just on your phone there's like fine there's no rules but it does make you look a bit like i couldn't give a fuck about any of you lot like i so that's something when i'm in a dressing room i'm on one man shows

now i'm trying to not just be because hanging out with comics in a dressing room can be sound can be really good fun but you're not there if you're like that's one where i'm trying to just it's a lot going on with this isn't it and there's a lot going on with tours and stuff that's all good but it draws you onto the phone and then you're not doing anything and i say with kids like i etta has in the past gone oh daddy come off the phone you're like oh god and you literally want to go fuck off but that's how i pay for everything but that's so bad yeah you can tell if i'm with someone i'm trying to make an effort with from my social media like that night because like i won't have added to my instagram story for like three or four hours whereas if I'm with someone I'm trying to make an effort with from my social media like that night Cuz like I won't have added to my Instagram story for like three or four hours

Whereas if I'm in the house, I'm constantly on it retweeting stuff Me and Sene can make a concerted effort not to be on our phones when we're with each other There's a lot of times we're not with each other Being on your phone for a bit's fine But like there's a lot you gotta like- Just have three or four hours off it and then you go Oh, I'll do when I'm going to sleep or whatever. But yeah, but they're very addictive aren't they? Coolio, let's have a little interval okay let's get on our phones for a bit yeah yeah all right guys want to talk to you about our sponsor nord vpn i'm only just getting to know uh

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I just said, if you want to be my lover, you've got to get with my friends. And she was like, fine. Oh, great. Can't believe you're shagging, Mel B. Fine. Do you know what the B stands for? oh great can't believe he's shagging Mel B um fine do you know what the B stands for big ass

the best the best Mel the best Mel the best what's C then what's Mel C then Mel kinda good

oh oh that hurt oh oh that hurt my mind no he said a hard C I didn't bite you you fucking put your rod up your ass, mate. Don't go fishing with him, lad.

There's no flies on him and no fucking pubes neither. Use scissors, 10. Use scissors, 10. By the way, I've changed the drink out for some sneak. So it's now sneak in here. Use code word 10. There's a code for everything we're whores um if you come and see me preview my show in sambatch or in skipton in august everything

else sold the fuck out danspreviews.com sambatch august 12th skipton august 27th this show is already ready to tour it could start tomorrow and it would fly so you're basically getting the tour show full cheap um talking about shows robbie ross says oh that's what i used to call my father-in-law uh evening lids rob ross yeah uh evening lids we know you it's because it was his name i didn't just have a nickname for him his name wasn wasn't Keith. I call him Robbie Ross. Why? Because I'm a big flirt. Sounds like a wrestler, Robbie Ross.

Yeah. Anyway, Robbie Ross says, Evening, lids. We know you live bigging up all your guests, and rightly so. Nearly all of them, one or two are bell whiffs, and rightly so.

But can you guess which ones? Why have you said that? But do you know? Why can't we say that? No, because people go, which one of them? Every fucking, which one would you guys like? How many is the bean that we don't like?

Five, three. Five? No, don't like or bad episodes. Both? Three, I'd say. No, I've already got more than three in my head. Oh, for three in my head. Yeah, there's a few.

Evening, lads. We know you love, we know you love bigging up all your guests minus three or five and rightly so but do you know who will be doing the fringe in edinburgh this year if so can we have a list support the fellow lids and give us edinburgh twat something to book already got the goats vittorio and ishan. So if you go and follow the podcast at Have A Word Pod on socials, this week we will get the list of all the lids,

all the good eggs that are doing the fringe. Vittorio's made it. So follow us at, yeah, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. We'll post that. We'll post it on the Patreon, patreon.com slash haveawordpod, and we will give, it's all been put together.

Vittorio, I mean, basically to help promote his show, but also because he's a good egg to promote everyone else's. There is a big chunk of former guests who are our mates. I'll run through them right now,

just in case people don't want to wait for that. So Tom Stade is doing the fringe. I think Sarah Keyworth might be as well. Sloss is doing a work in progress run. Great comics. And Pierre Novelli is doing the fringe in progress run. Fucking great comics all of them. Pierre Novelli is doing The Fringe. Phil Nichol usually does The Fringe.

I've got the actual list. Sean Walsh is definitely doing The Fringe. I've got the actual list. Alfie Brown is doing... I've just got the actual list. Okay, cool. Lauren Patterson, Vittorio, Luke Conran, What's Upset You Now, Gaddafour, Helen Bower, Sarah Keyworth, Daniel Sloss, Roddy Holt, Pierre Novelli, Garrett Miller, Kai Humphries,

Marlon McCabe, Mark Nelson, Paul McCaffrey, Scott Bennett, Justin Motto, Sean McLaughlin, Ishan Akbar, genuinely if you went through that list 90% of those names are some of the best episodes we've done as well they they are very strong former guests that are doing Edinburgh. I've seen Vittorio's Hour. I would be very surprised if Vittorio is not in the chat for Best Newcomer. He is different gravy, that lad, in terms of how smart he is, how funny he is. He's a fucking grafter.

He's got an older head on his shoulders. He's found his voice four years in. Excellent comic. That is an unbelievable asset. grafter he's got an older head on his found his voice four years in and that is comic an unbelievable and he's one of our own asset um so follow us on socials i have word pod i know it comes up but uh we will really push them because it's uh it's not an easy game edinburgh and it's a game i am incredibly happy i never have to play again we've got plans for next year it won't be a full month but we have some plans don't we yeah we're just loosely throwing some ideas around so um yeah we we really do appreciate that you guys want to go and support our former guests because

it's massive when we're trying to get people on this couch, like the support you lot have shown our former guests, you know, comedians talk about it now. It's very, very valuable to get us a seat on that couch for comics. And yeah, continue to do this. We,

we, we love you for it. People are listing it as like the credits, aren't they? Which I've seen on Hathaway on their posts. So, so much. Mike Follows says,

wag wag lids one for the quickfire round here oh shit we're not doing quick round what would your drag queen names be

cheers Mike PS I'd be Katie Purvey Penelope fuck me ass Penelope fuck my ass lovely

fuck me ass fuck me ass yeah no word play just straight M E A Penelope, fuck my arse. Lovely. Fuck me arse. Fuck me arse. Yeah. No wordplay. Just straight. M-E-A-R-S. Oh, as in Phuket. Fuck me arse.

Oh, fuck me arse. Puk me arse. Penelope, fuck me arse. Fuck me arse. Are you actually going to try and look Thai as well? What? Yeah. No.

Oh, no. No. No. No. Just Iranian car wash guy. I'm not even putting a jacket on. I'm just going to look like this. Penelope, fuck me ass.

Get on me. He's a fucking great self-made man. Let me just get this right. You're a 30-year-old Scouse lad who's being a drag queen who identifies as a 30-year-old Scouse lad. Yeah. It's fucking layers, that lad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Layers. 2022, you tell me. I can't beat myself. You tell me, yeah. I'm Penelope, fuck me ass, and you will repair me. He is like a Bosnian footballer from the 60s. He was too good for his time. Fuck me ass, wasn't he?

Yeah. He's got some stats. Fuck me ass, yeah. He gets mentioned. He gets mentioned. The fuck me ass award for the best assist. Yeah, he scored a hat-trick with two broken legs. I love it when they're like, yeah, did you hear about him? He gets mentioned. Fuck me ass I won for the best assist. Yeah, he scored a hat-trick with two broken legs.

I love it when they're like, yeah, did you hear about him? He scored five goals against Stoyer Boy Karest and he'd already lost his head. He'd been decapitated in the first half. They're just different players

back then. They get decapitated and they just keep playing. These footballers these days. What's your name, Dan? One decapitation and they're like, oh, my head's chopped off. Pussies. What's your name, Dan? One decapitation, and they're like, oh, my head's chopped off.

Pussies. What's your name? Drag name? Rusty Gusset. I've said it before. I like it. Carl, what's yours? Bollocks Jefferson.

Hey! Put it on the shirt. By the way, if we ever do something in drag, Carl won't play the game. Oh, fucking will. No, you won't. I bet you to do.

He's just said he will. That's it. It's the game. Oh, fuck him, will. No, you won't. I bet you to do. He just said he will. That's it. It's legally binding. If we're all dressing up as women, bollocks Jefferson. Can we do a drag queen special? Patron special, drag queen special. Would you though?

I'm coming like this. I told you this is my outfit. No, I'm not dragging up a Vsnot. This is dragging up. This is who I identify as. This is Penelope Fuckmeass in all her glory. I'll get the kit on Sunday morning. The drag queens thing's dragging up. This is who I identify as. This is Penelope. Fuck me ass. In all their glory. I'll get the kit on Sunday morning. The drag queens thing Sunday afternoon.

I'll do it Sunday morning. Leave me alone. Oh, I couldn't be arsed. Listen, my lack of attention to detail has not served us wrong yet. If I start paying attention to detail, maybe things will go off the rails. Oh, don't you ever apply that rhetoric

to your fucking existence. Maybe I should try less yeah i i try whenever i want to try and things always work out yeah you do why would i change that no but you're very jekyll and hyde with how much you're into something so there's sometimes when i'm like oh my god adam wants this and you're like on my shoulders let's do the lot and other times you're like yeah i'm not asked oh my god yeah but i can't with the drag queen why can't you just accept me for who i am oh god there's a business partner we're still here mate we're still here drag queen what but what in what format is are we doing are we doing a live show we're doing a live show yeah a catwalk oh drag race what's that were you in a

car i'm not doing that again challenges go on thin nose drag quick this is what he wants to um yeah yeah um i know that vittorio and eshan both watch drag race as well so maybe get them involved um it's like you do like challenges have you ever watched like what like 40 challenges top bits yeah yeah you'd have to be in full drag and you have to make like a like do like a sketch you do like a sketch as characters or like a parody Of like Downton Abbey Or something And write a song That sounds so wank It's unbelievable

That is the point of the show But if we were all Dressed in drag You all do drag And you all play like Say we did a parody Of Corey Now Finn

In all honesty Yeah If you dressed in drag And we put it on the internet Yeah Would your Turkish dad Ever talk to you again See it surprised me

There was a drag queen at our hotel when we stayed there last week. And he didn't get stoned to death. No, he didn't. It's changed. The times are changing. The women are allowed

to be in bikinis and stuff. Look at this guy, mate, dressing like a woman, mate. I respect him, mate. Coming out as who he is, mate. No problem with it, me, mate. Chili garlic, mate. It's 2022.

Let's act like it's 1993. Yeah. That's Turkey for you. You know what, mate? If he wants to wear a dress and have a dance, mate, who am I to say anything that doesn't affect my life, mate? Why would I care, mate? And maybe his dad didn't kill himself.

I don't know, but it's good. We're future, you know? Can someone make us mock-ups of what Penelope, fuck me ass, Rusty Gusset and Bollocks Jefferson would look like? Bollocks Jefferson. Genuinely, I think he plays for the Minnesota Vikings. He's a fucking great wide receiver. Well done.

You got caught there. Wow. Wow. Don't misgender Bollocks Jefferson. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, have you seen the women's NFL? Is that a thing? No.

Is it? Fuck. Is that a women's NFL? No. a thing is it fuck is that a women's nfl no of course there's not there should be there should be let's invent that there's a lot i have a weird women's contact full field women's nfl lad there is lingerie football where they basically pay on five side kits and it's really good it's disgusting it's pretty it's pretty good I think there should be a women's NFL

I think it's disgusting that we've got to this day and age without that even being floated as an idea oh yeah that'd be good it would

yeah no extra point ever made ow pathetic well there's a first yeah the kicking game

I mean you've got a freaky Friday Yeah can someone make us Someone design what we'd look like Please Finn You'd probably be annoyingly attractive As a Drag queen

I put a filter on once That turns you into a woman And I look fit as fuck Are you shaving your beard? What? Are you shaving your beard? Yeah I'll wax it i'll shave and wax it you never know i have one we cannot talk about getting rid of hair anymore oh yeah i've used the manscape 4.0 to become a drag queen they'd sponsor the special who landscaped oh enough plugs um yeah there's there's

there's episodes on drag race where they get like people like us that would just go on never done it before and then you watch some of them you see them kind of turn into different people when they're on the stage when you've got a pair of heels on

if you don't fall over you'll be sound we had a party when I had a penthouse in Manchester with my mates Andy and Craig we had a it was

it was my head year we were living in Manchester we were going out all the time. Andy DJed at a bar. Craig was good looking. I was at the comedy club. We had such a good crack. We had parties after parties,

but we organised one proper fancy dress party in the middle of summer in Manchester. So many people turned up. It was quality. We did fancy dress, music stars, but Andy did Ziggy Stardust, looked great, can't remember what Craig did, and I did Lady Gaga, and I really went for it.

I spent money, I got a wig, and I really went for it. And I don't know if, I'll try and find one. And as the party went on, we realised that very few people had been told that it was a fancy dress party, so it just looked like three bisexuals having a house party and one woman talked to me she was one of andy's friends she was a bit like like dry she's like oh you you look great and i was like yeah nice one thank you you know that's what we're doing there wasn't enough people wearing fancy dress so she was

just like oh he's a cross dresser she was like like, I think it's really great, isn't it? You know, it's really great. I was like, yeah, it's going good. It's good. I'm really enjoying it. In my head, I'm like, it is a good party. She's like, I just, I believe in what you're doing. And then she was like, do you go to the village?

I was like, yeah, sometimes we go out in the gay village if we're going out. It's a fun night once in a while in Manchester, she's like, isn't it brave that you can just go out and be yourself somewhere in Manchester? And I clocked it. I was like, she was like, this gay guy really needs my support.

Stood there in a wig and fucking. What have you done, Fancy Dress House? You've done a pimp. You've done. I've been a pimp. I've been Maverick. Maverick. We've both been Maverick.

I've been Morgan Freeman. Didn't black up though though We just did the voice Right alright I know when I walked into this party It was for a lot of A lot of What have you dressed up as Dan? So you've dressed up as Lady Gaga

I'm not a big fancy dress guy I'm really not I just went through that party I love it Eight times a year. Yeah. No, but some people fucking buzz off fancy dress. It's good. I'm trying to think.

What's he had an idea for? What? You know, we're doing like a launch party for the new studio. Yes, yes, yes. I'm sure. Can we make it black tie? Oh no.

Or fancy dress. Yay. What we were talking about. Yes. We're going as Tiger Woods. Yeah. I'm going as Tiger Woods. I'm going black tie oh no we're going as Tiger Woods or fancy dress yay what we were talking about yes

we're going as Tiger Woods I'm coming as Penelope fuck me ass Rusty Gusset coming out oh let's do fancy dress have I never done fancy dress before

okay I'll go as Bollocks Jefferson yeah when we launch the new studio that's got to be what early september because we've got to get some we've got to get in there to get it record ready and then we've got to get it in there get in there oh we need to do fancy dress record that'll be so many people have asked me about this party like everyone's like yeah yeah now everyone's like yeah you're doing an arena yeah you're gonna sell out the liverpool arena everyone's like yeah now everyone's like yeah you're doing an arena yeah you're going to sell out the Liverpool arena

everyone's like yeah yeah that's just happening I've got mates we're like can I come to the launch party of the new studio oh that

fancy dress it's going to be a very exclusive invite yeah don't get excited why don't we choose each other's fancy dress no

oh come on okay then who loses there out of us I am not darkening my skin it is a social faux pas. I'm quite offensive. Faux pas?

I think it's past that now. Right, yeah, but you... Yeah, okay. We'll set rules. We'll challenge each other. No, Dan, you will lose that. Wear an audible. I lose everything.

You're coming as an adult, baby. See, you've already lost. That's a fucking easy win. I will just wear... What if I'm into it? What easy win. I will just wear it. What if I'm into it? What do you mean you'll just wear? You'll wear what you're told,

which will be a nappy and a dummy. I watched porn the other day of a guy lying on a woman's, she had big boobs, and he was lying there and he was pretending to breastfeed and she wiped him off and I was like, so weirdly into it.

Great. So I honestly think if you stick a nappy on me and stick a dummy in my mouth. Is that mummy porn? What... Is that mummy porn? What? Is that mummy porn? No, there was nothing...

Not that I'd have said it was definitely air-canned. It was... No, the guy was like 40 years old. Was she younger than him? Yeah, same age. But it was just the... Same age. I think that breastfeeding thing...

That breastfeeding thing... Same? Oh my God, February. Yeah, March. Right, school year. Same school year. Oh, if I'm to dress for the launch party, it's going to be fire.

I can't wait to sort my outfit. That we choose. How are we doing there? I'll pick yours. You pick Finn's. No, because I'm not letting you pick mine. I'm not picking yours. That ain't happening.

That ain't happening, dude. Yeah, but this is because I'm not letting you pick mine. I'm not picking yours. That ain't happening. That ain't happening, dude. Yeah, but this is what I mean about when his head goes. We all picked draws to see who was going around the Nou Camp in a full kimp. What? I've got a kimp in my mind. Kimp. That was never doing the Nou Camp tour in a full Barcelona kit. Or did he?

Or did I? I didn't. I was never doing it. I know, but that's why I mean, sometimes you're like, yes, let's do it.

And then the other time, no. Would, would, if we picked, would you wear a full kimp? I said it wrong. Why don't we?

Instead of just trying to ruin each other's lives, just all pick our own fancy dress outfit and make it competitive. Yeah, because I'm not, I'm not picking his, if he's picking mine, and that's us gone,

then isn't it? Yeah. Because he's come with his, I'm just going picking his if he's picking mine and that's us gone then isn't it yeah because he's coming I'm just going to dress him really badly looks like he's forgot his fancy dress but dressed bad

what about if we if we tie this is so quegy but what if we tie in what if we do a matching like there's five of us

what if we do a the Wraxham five Bagsy Tito classic can we can we do a five oh can we do five Bagsy the J

what with a big leather coat I want to be Simon Webb he's only five he's in blue can we do blue I've done four of them shit Simon Webb. He's on vibes in blue. Can we do blue? Let's do four of them. Shit.

Pogues. Let's do the pogues with Kirstie McColl. Yeah. I'm coming as a speed, folks. Fucking just run at you. Knocking out. Oh, I can't wait. I love fancy dressing up. Come back here. i've been as a crip really as in a blood in a yep and as a crap so what did you do just gangster up and wear blue i had like face tattoos neck

tattoos i had gold teeth a gun like a do-rag all that kind of get all the flags and it looks oh my god that's i might come as a scouser i've just been given the shoes so yeah lad i actually might come as a no you fucking won't because it's just better than you are oh yeah yeah yeah get fucking north face everything no it is just you dressing well walk around it's just you dressing well oh the best shoes you've ever owned i am a 41 year old father of two i live in sorghum. You will look good. I can't dress in a full North Face fucking trackie, walk around with me hands in my bollocks.

Oh, drill. I'm going drill. I'm doing that with a balaclava. Yes. Scouse drill, mate. I'm going wild, mate. Are you? Yeah.

Bollocks Jefferson. I'm coming as Aladdin. Get a carpet and everything. Problematic. He's a carpet and everything. Yeah. Problematic. He's a problem. I am problematic. I don't care.

I don't play by the rules. Apart from in Snooker. I'm coming as Mark Williams, the Welsh potting machine. I'm just going to smoke weed all night. Love potting. I'm so excited. This is going to be great be great by the way the launch party will be what like mid mid to early september yeah so we'll be selling tickets on patreon and there will be what are you talking about ah come on it's a very exclusive ticket

we're inviting our friends and we're getting drunk and belligerent? Ten patrons. No. Hot thousand mile tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Would you like to do a would you rather? Would you like to do a would you rather? Mickey Thompson says, wag wag lids. Interesting would you rather, especially for Dan. Would you rather gravy on your apple crumble or custard on your Sunday roast?

Mickey Thompson, you're a paedophile and I will go gravy on the crumble. Yes. Apple crumble? Lamb with custard.

Do you know what? I'm going to go lamb with custard. It's going to be that I've got more chance of being that like being a sweet meat. No, but then you've

got the veg. No, because like an apple crumble. Oh yes, an that like being a sweet meat. No, but then you've got the veg. No, because like an apple crumble. Oh, yes. An apple pie is an apple crumble. No, I'm still going gravy on apple crumble. Gravy good. Oh, that's... Am I wrong?

Like, I know custard on meat is wrong. It's a bigger meal as well. Yeah. It's a bigger issue. Yeah. You get bigger shoe. Yeah. No, you've got to drown it.

Yeah. Easy. Gravy on crumble 100 paul connor says oh we're doing a speed round would you rather if you're like where's this music come from the patreon episode are you a pube are you just public come on bro that's three pounds a week the one that we just i do think i was looking the other day when me and you put together the list of all the specials we've done. I do think we might have the best value Patreon on the planet. It's not even close.

It isn't even remotely close. It's a weekly episode that is sometimes funnier and then the specials. And everything else we do. Which are 16 specials now, you know. It's ridiculous. And everything else we do.

We do the playlist. We've got all... Like, there's so much. And when we get in the new studio, ridiculous. And everything else we do, we do the playlist, we've got all, like there's so much. And when we get in the new studio, we're doing another lock-in and we're going big. When we get the new studio, everything's going to get better. Yeah, but speed round.

Would you rather have a stranger pick your tattoo but you get to choose where it goes or you pick the tattoo and the stranger picks where it goes? I'd rather have a stranger pick the tattoo. What a fucking shit question. Does it go in your face?

Sorry for shitting on your questions. No, you don't like it when I do this. No, it's like, my two favourite tropes. Shit question, just fucking answer it. And the other one, can I have some advice? Just live your life and get on with it. Remember why we're here, boys. It's a stupid question, though, isn't it?

Like, if you get to pick where the tattoo goes, I go, oh, sound. I'll have live, laugh, love, which I actually wanted for a while. And you get to tell me I have to put it on my fucking head. How stupid is that? No, you can give me a swastika, and it's going on me, asshole.

There's no amount of shaving down there. I'm going to freshly shave my swastika. Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber. Wow. Yeah, of course. I can just hide it in my arse crack. And you can put whatever you want there, can't you? I don't want any tattoo on my face.

I think the tattoo is big enough that you couldn't hide in your arse crack. No. You don't get to pick the size of it, do you? Like the credits from Star Wars couldn't hide in your arse crack no you don't get to pick the size of it do you like the credits from Star Wars back in your arse crack like a fucking gif

moving tattoos have really come on yeah it's a stupid question shut up Paul Ian Metcalfe says alright lads would you

I've just read it stupid end of pod alright lads would you I've just read it stupid end of pod alright lads would you rather whenever you have sex you're a two pump squirt disappointment or

be an absolute stallion in the bedroom but whenever you shoot your muck oh what are we doing to these people do you think they spoke like this before

we started the podcast we just addled their brains every time you shoot your muck you sing a random show tune I do that anyway i don't know any as i come alexander hamilton he's coming over your face

alexander hamilton the seventh gay president of puerto rico he's trans. I love that. Have you watched Alexander Hamilton 2? Trans in a habit. Transatlantic. Transatlantic. Transatlantic, sorry. Come on, bro. Come on, bro.

I am- Fucking hell, this is sneak work. I wouldn't mind singing a show tune. I don't know any show tunes, so I picked that one. You do know show tunes. Do I? Yeah, you do. What? Waving through a window. You do know show tunes. Do I? Yeah, you do. What?

Waving through a window. Oh my God. Oh. I would commit suicide in the bed. Famous. Food Glorious Food. Food's not a show tune. It is.

As if she's not in your house as well. Is it from Oliver? I've never seen it, so I don't know. Food glorious food. They're the only words I know, so I just have to say that. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Yeah, but how long did you come for? Food, glorious food. They're the only words I know, so I just have to say that. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Yeah, but how long do you come for?

Oh, food, glorious food. Depends on who I'm feeding as well. Yeah. How many times are you gonna stop this podcast dead in its tracks? What is going on with your brain? So, I like it, but it frightens me. Les Mis is good, I like Les Mis.

I dreamed a dream. If you can sing that and jizz and not think about fucking Super Bowl. Is it Lockdown, the first one? Is it, what's it called? Where they're on the boats? Russell Crowe. What?

Master and Commander. Is that it? No. You need to see some more musicals, yeah. No, it's the start. Have you seen Les Mis? No. Shut up then.

It's the start of Les Mis. No, genuinely, I used to think it was about a fella called Les who was dead upset. I'm not even messing. I genuinely believed for a long time. Les Miserables. It was Les Miserables.

Yeah, he's a French guy. Translate as Miserable Les. It feels like a Les Battersby spin-off from Connie. Not a grumpy lesbian. She can't get any flange. Shave me bit for fuck all. Off to the snooker hall.

That's where the lesbians go. Lesbians love snooker. All of them. A hundred percent. Lesbians love snooker. That's a cartoon. That lame is too. Lesbians love snooker. That's a cartoon. Called The Crucible.

Come on. If you're a lesbian, give me a shout out. Lesbian, we need pictures of lesbians playing snooker. Have a word, put it on gmail.com.

Come on. Hey, and I tell you what, there'll be no miserable lesbians there. They'll be well happy. Like, hey. Yeah.

I'd sing something from court on the way actually i'd stand back all right yeah welcome to my if you come from my way you can sing the shop song and do my head oh oh this one i don't want to go and see another musical you know can it not be one that lynn manuel and miranda's had anything to do with i know he's good but yeah i want you to start singing some fucking jungle book or something oh jungle why did you hate my moment i know imagine that when you're just it's quite good doing that though isn't it because you're calling yourself a lion because oh there's a lion coming oh yes it's a lion coming. Oh, yes, it's a lion.

And you're coming. Cheers. I am a lion. And I'm Ibrahimovic. Or I'm a warthog. What? I said, all right, Ibrahimovic. Oh, I'm the king of the swing room.

The jungle VIP. See, these are bangers. Stop saying shit. One's about to own a shop. They're not really show tunes, are they, though? No. Oklahoma is the one that I always go to. I didn't know that because of Chandler.

Cheesy fucking. Bugsy Malone. We could have been anything that we wanted to be. Burgers will come out tomorrow. Probably not good to think of Bugsy Malone, though, when you're jizzing, is it? Jingle bells, jingle bells. That's a Christmas song, isn't it? That's a christmas song isn't it you know lloyd griffith um ian meck speed round

ian metcalf says i've already asked a question dan don't read it out thanks ian adam briggs says would you rather suck one dick a day for 365 days, and that is a quarter-pointed dick, or suck 365 dicks in one day to get them all out of the way? That sounds like such a busy evening. Hang on. I am going to give you... How do you get a cab from here?

I am going to give you, like, one of them quotes where you get a discount for paying up front. Oh, like your insurance? So if you pay one a a day it's a dick a day for a year but pay up front suck all them dicks i'm gonna give you a this is the price i'm gonna speak to my manager on this one 200 dicks in one day yeah yeah yeah that's the discount i can get 40 off it like 40% off, isn't it? It is, it is. But you know what? I'm going to sweeten the deal. I'm going to say 185 dicks in one day. And that's you done. Basically 50% off, guys.

I've just spoken to my manager. And that's not a deal we do for a lot of people. Right, okay. So based on me being awake for 16 hours, which is ambitious. Yeah, because you're going to set the alarm for the dick suck. That's still 11 and a half dicks an hour do i have to do this to completion so i have to suck men off and make them come every five minutes right okay just do a nice no hang on hang on hang on let me let's set the rules out here you've got to suck the dick for at least five minutes.

But if you can get them to finish within the five, you get a bit of time back. And you're not a swallower. So if he goes, oh, bloody hell, I'm about to spaff. Oh, Oklahoma. You can get... I'd rather do one a day. I think I don't want to do that afternoon.

What about your wedding day? What? Don't get married this year. What about your wedding day what don't get married this year don't get married that year how do you explain that to you your fiance what i saw every day yeah why am i now engaged no by the way by the way on your wedding day you don't see the bride till the altar so you have to just do it early just getting your fucking Christmas day. Oh. That's sad, isn't it? Christmas Eve. It would be awful.

Neither of these options. 9-11. I'm not cute. What? Oh, you ain't doing admin as well. Imagine that. One last thing to do every day. Oh, imagine that.

Oh, I'm just going to have an early night. I really enjoyed today. And then you're like, Oh! Imagine your birthday. Haunting my moot. It'd all be awful. But imagine, look, I'm doing one a day for the year. I really enjoyed today And then you're like Ow Imagine your birthday Horny mamut It'd all be awful But I'd imagine

Look I'm doing one a day For a year I appreciate the discount But I can't do that day No It's 180 If you bring it down to 50

I could probably do it He's bartering Dan come on If I do 50 in a day I'd take that Mate 365 You're going to put me

Out of business here I'm going to I'm going to speak to my manager I'm going to speak to my manager Right There is an offer on it's a whitsuntide offer what's that i don't know look i can take it down to 125 dicks in a day i can't literally i can't go any lower i'm doing one a day then right do you think deposit just let me just speak to head office hi head office. Hiya, head office.

Oh shit, that's a can. I'm gonna start calling you David Dickinson. I'll give you an offer. I'll pay a chimpanzee. I literally cannot go. I'll pay you the chimpanzee to not be able to, after they're any lower than 100 dicks in a day. No. Come on.

I'll do 125. Oh, 100, are you lower than? 100. Couch to go back up. Hey, 400. 100 dicks in a day no come on I'll do 125 oh 100 do you allow it 100 how much to go back up 400 I'll do I'll do the 100

I'll do 25 for the love of the game I'll do 100 in a day I think once you get to 100 to be honest yeah the extra 25

you wouldn't even when you've done 10 it's basically it's like when you like obviously I'm a big runner now aren't I once you get to like

40 minutes on a treadmill that extra 20 to the hour is fine what do you think your hump is with the dicks 20, 35 what the where you start gassing

and you're like yeah I reckon 1 to 20 I reckon the first one feels awful and then you get past that and you get around to around 20

and if you push past 20 I reckon you're alright then I would I'd suggest glory hole might be the way to go on this because i don't want to look up and have them go all right how are you doing adam remember you from year 10. oh like mr beach is there yeah yeah mr beach is random beach you several children allegedly okay um let's have a break children that's so well what the. That's so allegedly. Do you remember what the headline was?

So allegedly. Do you remember what the headline was? These do not represent the opinions of the podcast. What was the headline? Brendan Beach Bombs Boys. It wasn't it? I've got 99. Allegedly.

I've got 99 problems, but a beach ain't one. Wouldn't it be The Beach Boys? I've got a 99 problem. I've got 99 problems and a beach is one. That would be better better wouldn't it and it's the girl doing her story she's like oh

the biggest problem is that the teacher fucked me glad we've ended on that again 100 dicks in a day 125 for Carl he's a thirsty girl

he's an adverse alright lads we've got a new manscaped advert hey you yeah you god bush you definitely do if you haven't, bush. You definitely do.

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It's got a light on it. It's really well done. It reduces nicks and everything. I've used it since we got it free for like a year and a half. Laura's been using it. Clean up your piob area. They're talking about bush here. No one needs a big old hairy nutsack.

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The promo code is WORD20 for 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com. Get on me. He never loses. He never loses. This is so annoying. He always finds a way to win. Alan Cockroach here!

Welcome to the show, mate. Thanks for coming in. Hello. You all right? I'm all right, yes. It's a very jazzy shirt. Thank you very much. Sometimes I like to wear something

that is at complete odds with my personality. Today is one of those days. I always entirely match my personality to my clothes oh there you go yeah chest out turkish personality hello mates welcome to the podcast mate it's gonna be good mate is that for audiences just to get them off off kill like this guy seems like a happy chap you look at that shirt three Three minutes in like, oh. Why is everything so miserable? That's basically that. No, every now and again I try and wear some colours because it's good for my eyes, which are blue.

Right. Oh, it does bring them out. It does bring them out, you're right. Thank you. Thank you. I feel seen, as they say online. What colour are my eyes? Are they greeny brown?

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! I know it's always open, but close it a bit. You've got the same eyes as me, Adam. Hazel. Hazel. Hazel.

Uncommon. It's unusual, isn't it? Hazel eyes, I think. Yeah, I see. So I should wear hazel then. You've got a hazel hat on. That sounds good, doesn't it? It's green, isn't it?

I think it's dark green. But I'm also colour blind. So, mate, are you colour blind? Yeah. Fucking get in? It's green, isn't it? I think it's dark green. But I'm also colourblind. So am I. Are you colourblind? Yeah. Fucking get in. What are you? It's very common in males.

Are you red and green? I think I'm quite a lot. You know those dot pictures? Oh, I fail them all. Yeah, they give up on me very rapidly. It's sort of really despairing. What colour is this then? Red on green is the one I can't do,

but that's very common apparently. Are you colourblind? Yeah, the red on green. It's's weird at school because they did it at school didn't they and there was like a number within the like colored dots yeah and i was like peace peace i do everything well at school it's easy and then you got one up and it's quite a weird feeling as a kid to be like i can't fucking see that and then everyone's like you can't see that what do you mean there's a four i thought i was like no i mean can i just say this is the first time in my life i've been sat in a room thinking i've got the best eyes i think i'm colorblind to all of them because i fail all of them right yeah like i don't see any and apparently red green colorblind i

don't know if this is a fact but it's one of those things that i was told years ago and then i now believe as a fact i did this with concord i thought that I was told years ago and then I now believe is a fact. I did this with Concorde. I thought Concorde to Australia from the UK was two hours until like 15 minutes ago. Someone told me years ago that it's in the highway code that you have to wear fully fashionable shoes. I don't think that's a fact. I think it's just a thing I was told.

No, I have heard if there's a crash and you get out in flip flops, you can get, you know. It makes sense, but I don't know if it's in there. No, I don't think... No sliders is not in there. Someone's told me that tattoos keep you warm, and even though that's obviously bollocks, there's still a bit of my brain that believes it.

There's still a bit of my brain that's like, oh, yeah. Every time I think of it, I have to then undo it and go, that's obviously a joke. But the colourblind one is apparently in the war they used to take people that were colorblind up onto hills because they can see camouflage against the green so i think that's pretty believable oh shit so they would take colorblind people up because they can see the camouflage against yeah against the stuff it's meant to camouflage into yeah right okay do you know again it may be bullshit. Yeah, it sounds like absolute nonsense.

It also sounds like a shit job, doesn't it? Colourblind Dave, like, you go up, stick your head above there, you tell me where the... We've lost another. Do you know we can't be in the armed forces? Well, I can't on several criteria. Matt Chunner's pretty number one.

No, be colourblind, you can't be in the armed forces. Why? Because it goes down to, one, traffic lights colourblind You can't be any armed forces Why? Because it goes down to One, traffic lights You also can't be a train conductor And two, cutting wires You just cut the wrong colour Because you can't see it

Even if you want to work in army admin Yeah Just in case Do you want to work in the office? Put all the stuff in the wrong drawer I was told you can't work In the armed forces If you're colourblind

You just can't be a bomb disposal expert No it wasn't that niche When my gran found out that I was colourblind, red, green, green, red, she bollocked my grandad, because it's from him, apparently. He's colourblind. She went, brilliant, Bob.

Now he can't be a pilot. I was like fucking eight. I was like, gran, where do you think this was going? I am not trending towards pilot. Do you get the bullshit of what cool is that then? Yeah. And like, that's not how it works, is it? You just have to-

Yeah, I mean, I thought this shirt was black and white until we started this chat. Karl's colour blind, but when it comes to race, he really sees it. Yeah. Yeah, it's it. He really sees like- He's colouring people quite a lot.

He's like, no, I see it, because I know how to include everyone then. Right, that's it. He's like, he's not just like Asian, he's like fucking Sri Lankan. And it's the fucking, the really- I've never called anyone a fucking Sri Lankan. Oh, have you not, Carl?

Was it a joke? Fucking rat. He's going to start doing the voices. That seems to be what this podcast is mainly about, isn't it? Hey, it sells, mate. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think it was her, but it seems like-

Seems like there's- We're just really bad at accents. That's what it is. So I can do my Geordie accent for you if you like. Some people will get upset with it. They're not Geordies. No, I definitely saw a clip of Dan doing some kind of Asian accent. No, no, no, that was his coventry.

That was his coventry. This is what I got sacked for, by the way. It's amazing when you don't have a boss. I have a theory about it it because you're in this like you know you're in a little sort of booth and the rest of the world doesn't exist it's like when people pick their nose in their car yeah like they own their car so they think oh well i can do what i want they forget that the walls are so right we've actually talked about recently that the audience behind these cameras is getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger right and we've added two members of staff i didn't used to say with a hard

piece because these and i was like a i know i'm using it in my vernacular and comedians come on and we say it and i've seen very good not like woke comics go oh yeah people don't talk like that good not like woke comics go oh people don't talk like that and you're like we do in a cupboard the cupboards because to us no one's listening yeah apart from us yeah so this it feels like we're backstage at a comedy club with three of our mates who are also not comedians there's a million people listening and watching every month 1.2 million 1.2 million wow there's 72 trillion people could be listening but it is 1.2 million all right sorry2 million. Wow. The 72 trillion people could be listening. But it is 1.2 million. Oh, right.

Sorry. I don't know why you're trying to take the piss out of our numbers, though. All right, good. It's a good ace. 72 trillion. It's Sri Lankan. Like, yeah, I don't mind doing it. That's why we're so good, because we'll never change.

We'll never be scared of the cameras. We'll always be us, no matter what. Scared of the cameras. All right, come on. Yeah, but you'll never be a pilot. I don't really get it. What's the problem with being a pilot if you're colourblind?

Why? Why is that? Colour-coded switches. Or just change it up for John the fucking colourblind pilot. Just put a little label on it saying fly and then don't fly. Crash.

Cross through that one. Don't press that crash button. In fact, that's the first thing we teach you. We shouldn't even color code that. Yellow means crash. Why shouldn't we make the button? Oh my God, right? You're right, guys.

Oh God, thanks for pulling that one out. Fucking quacks. Sri Lankan Air Force. Are you in a boot? No, but I mean, don't be a fucking full head the ball. You're a fucking chimpanzee. I think you should be allowed to, I think it's very ableist, actually,

of the armed forces to be excluding you guys. You can't be in the armed forces with hay fever as well, and I've got that, so. That's got to be bollocks, hasn't it? No, I mean on the front line for that one, I think. It's got to be bollocks, hasn't it? But you can't be shooting your gun and sneezing, miss, can you? And then someone blows your head off.

So can you not be in the armed forces if you've got a cold either? Well, it depends when you have the cold. The sneezing thing would be bad for disguising and hiding out. Yeah, exactly. And being an SCS. I think Hayweaver and being a sniper, that's probably... Really incompatible. That makes sense, doesn't it?

Exactly. I just don't know it's almost like we're trying to get in the armed forces yeah this episode is sponsored by the armed forces

use guns then do you remember the high street shop the forces like the air force the army it'd be a shop just to

if you wandered out of college and just got a bit ahead of yourself come in come in just have to sign there I went to the TA

twice when I was a kid I pictures no no i don't think i was there long enough i literally went for two like things and they're like right yeah so you're in now and i was like i'm not coming back here so they spoke to me spoke to me like shit yeah looks like there was some sort of ranking system. Yeah, they were just fucking rude. Am I not a general? Yeah. Adam, can I start? I don't want to start there. Can I start there?

Yeah, it's just quite a bit of a certain way. There's still a need for the way these fucking grown men, when I was a kid and he was like, standing loud, like, who the fuck are you talking to? You cannot be told anything by anyone. Why am I respecting this fucking divorced cunt in chill wall was there ever anyone in your life who sort of told you something with authority and you went yeah fair play like literally teachers all gobshites telling me what to fucking do i'm

fucking 12 cocky ass bastard deputy fucking head well my natural instinct when someone tells me what to do is to tell them to fuck off like i've just got a natural me my initial if someone tells me i'm doing something wrong my literal first thought is no i'm not and you're a prick right yeah and i have to override that do you know what i mean and i'm so sort of self-assured and sure of who i am um yeah it's very... Certainly, that's been a tough couple of years for you when we're in supermarkets with fucking arrows on the floor. I just didn't follow them.

Yeah, but it's everywhere. Yeah, yeah. I've been talking about how I'm going to go back to normal toothbrush because when I use an electric toothbrush, you know when it goes goes and it's basically saying stop brushing your teeth. I'm like, fuck off,

I'm doing an extra minute. Why is everyone telling me how to run my life? So yeah. You know you've gone full libertarian when you're rebelling against a toothbrush.

Conspiracy. Who's this mate? Which corporation? Farmer. Brilliant. Big toothbrush. Yeah. People say I've got anger issues.

I don't know. Well, that's all right. I wanted to join the army at that point in my life. That was honestly the stupidest thought you've ever had. Oh, wow. What kind of army are you in? You can't take any orders. You've literally just gone.

Every time someone tells me what to do, my instinct is to say, fuck off. Like how were you ever in your head going to be in the army? Because I hadn't done this much self-reflection when I was fucking 11. Do you know what I mean? I now know who I am and I now know and understand. I've got a natural rejection of authority.

When I was 11, I was like, I want to go abroad and kill foreign people. That bit still does sound good. That sounds bad in the cupboard. I wanted a gun. I wanted a gun and a war. Right. And I got told to fucking tie me shoelaces

and I was like, fuck you, John. What year was this? 2003. 2003. Yeah. Wow. Exactly. So Iraq and all that had kicked off

at the time I'd been indoctrinated by the media and I thought they were the enemy so I was like I'm going I'm going to fucking

kill Bin Laden doesn't know what's coming Corporal Roe this is where you're going Iraq fuck off I'm not going where you tell me Bermuda

that's who went after Bin Laden by the way the local branch of the TA yeah get them in no well I couldn't join the army because it was only 11 i wanted to it was my way of did you wear the rig out the ta is like the youth system in it

you hear the art it's the academy territorial academy i think it's called i got turned down in one of those army shops in huddersfield for wearing that shirt you're gonna stand out a mile, mate. I went in and basically said, oh yeah, I think I should join the army. And he pretty much figured out, essentially, you're just an unhappy teenager. You don't really want to be assaulted.

You just don't like Merfield, West Yorkshire, where you're grabbing up. And he basically said, you should think about this a bit more. I bet that guy didn't last long in that job. Unhappy teenagers have been fueling the army for centuries you'd think but no you uh he's like you want to go in the arts mate yeah essentially what a progressive funny what a progressive armed forces recruiter to be honest alan i could see you in dance

have you ever thought about the theatre did you never think of doing anything like that I mean because they had a shop like if there was a shop on the

high street in Preston there was like join the circus I'd have a look in there as well you'd be great in the circus

you fucking would as well be a good lady I could see you being a trapeze artist yeah I could see that you'd be really good at it with a colorblind fucking trapeze eyes surely you're not ruled out from that i do understand

that certain disabilities do limit your options in life i had a mate i think we might have mentioned this at some point on the podcast who had Tourette's and he got fired from a restaurant that he was working in right because he wanted to work on he wants to be a waiter and they were keeping him in the kitchen and he was like but I want to be a waiter and they were like well look lads you you've got Tourette's and you can't be like telling the customers how big their tits are so we're gonna need to keep you in the kitchen that's just not that's just something you're not gonna do and he was like well that's actually really ableist and you've and you've got to let me out onto the restaurant floor. So he quit slash was fired and come to me for sympathy.

He was like, can you believe this? And I was like, yeah, I can. If I ran a restaurant, I wouldn't want you going, oh, fucking tits in customers' faces. You'd do anyway. Can I just say, if we get a restaurant, can we actively try and hire people with Tourette's? To be fair, I don't think they'd stand out from most chefs that I've met

because they are sweary and angry and direct. So aggressive. Feels like it'd almost be a qualifying... There's natural selection involved with that. People who go into catering, if they are grumpy Italian men, borderline racist, abusive to anyone under 21 their men are be in the kitchen yeah you're done but things have changed now it's 2022 alan whether you like it or not we're in the era of the bossy toothbrush and if you've got tourette's you can be

anything you want to be you can be an announcer for channel four come fucking down with me what can't be a librarian why yeah you wouldn't accept that too loud no that's you literally can't cite that if you apply you can't have signs you can't i'm pretty sure employment law will not let you go yeah you've got a disability you can't do that job oh yeah yeah but you don't say it you just you know you say it's something else like we don't like how you dress or whatever and you don't tell them job. Oh yeah, yeah. But you don't say it. You just, you know, you say it's something else. Like we don't like how you dress or whatever. And you don't tell them. It's because you keep calling everyone who wants to hire Pride and Prejudice a cunt.

You just tell them. There's another reason, don't you? You've got to be a bit subtle and have a bit of fucking decorum. You can't be like, oh, that fellow wanted the fucking BFG and you call him a fat govshite. So no.

Tell me you wouldn't be going to your local library more if they had a library. In fact, what job is less... Come on. Can you just pull on the string? He wanted the B... Hello, can I have the BFG, please? No, you fat gobshite. Also, who hires a book?

I love libraries so much. I go all the time. I know how to hire a book. Pride and Prejudice. You borrow. I mean, it's on a technicality. You made it sound like Blockbuster. What's the worst job?

Examiner vigilator. That'd be bad. Yeah. Just screaming while I'm trying to do the exams. Paramedic, I think. Funeral director. Yeah, undertaker. Wanker!

Yeah, it'd be great. I'm fully in. Funeral director Yeah Undertaker Wanker Like was Yeah it'd be great I'm fully in And we lay John to rest Cut He's an absolute Fucking twat His wife's got tits

Amen And also with you Do you know they changed that a few years ago? Catholic church. Were you raised Catholic or any sort of... No. Protestant? I know more about Protestantism, but no, I was raised pretty atheist.

Really? Both mum and dad? Well, my dad died, but my mum took that as a sign that there probably wasn't a god. Oh my god. Don't read me. This part just went up again. Another dead parent.

Yes! Sometimes people get really, like, sort of mawkish about it, but pissing yourself is a way better response. You're the only person, even two parents. No, like, together. Steve's the only one with the nuclear family. When I was starting out in comedy, I was the sound tech, the hyena, and Alan was one of the first comedians that came up and you were sort of,

there was a, a lot of older comics that came and then there was like comics that were like four or five years older than me. Right. And I, they were like, you were like the cool kids. I know that seems,

but this is 21 years ago. It seems extraordinary. Jason John Whitehead was on last, last week. He was, you know, and I remember you were very nice to me. years ago seems extraordinary jason john whitehead was on last last week he was you know and uh i remember you were very nice to me we went out into newcastle one day and you were chatting away and i

was obviously dead keen and wanted to do loads of gigs and you were you at one you were close to going and shut the fuck up about it like no no you didn't but you didn't i remember you going i remember you going have you died yet and i was like, I haven't died yet. And you went, it's in the post. But I also mentioned that my mum had died when I was 16 and you went, oh, oh, my dad's dead. Good comics have dead parents. And I remember being like, yes. Me and Cochran are part of the dead parent crew and he has had a fucking dead mum.

Me, Milo McCabe and Ishan Akbar every Edinburgh used to have Dead Mum Club where whenever we had like a bad day we'd all just go for a pint and talk about our dead mums. Right. Called it the DMC. Dead Mum, isn't that their band?

Yeah. Just to get... You're thinking of Red Rum Club? No. You're thinking of DMX? Is it like Run DMC? Yeah, it was Run DMC. I thought it was Run DMC. Run, Dead Mums Club, run! Oh my club run i mean that does put it in context doesn't it oh i've got a three-star

review yeah but your mom's dead get over there and she didn't write it um yeah my mom was the religious one my dad was the atheist she died so he was right wasn't he yeah he called it early we were like both of my parents were catholic but like but default catholic yeah default but my mum was always like sort of there is a god that he is watching but don't really worry too much about he's a gobshite telling me what to do yeah fuck off god you judgmental twat who are you? The army Slash teacher Slash any fucking

Traffic warden Go and counsel I just don't understand Why people just Take shite from people They don't need to I It's how the world works

Religion wise I don't think it's A bad idea To just keep it away From kids Religion Yeah Right I'd love it If we could Like the only primary school I don't think it's a bad idea to just keep it away from kids. Religion. Yeah.

Right. I'd love it if we could, like the only primary school in our village is C of E, affiliated to the church next to it. You've just got no choices unless you want to drive to some secular primary school. And I'm a man of ethics, Alan, but not, you know, school drop-off time. Two pound a litre.

Fuck that. ethics alan but not you know school drop-off two pound a liter so serica's teaching like sex education and stuff and she's having to watch what she's teaching the kids because of religion she's like because she's at a religious school it's i don't know maybe i taught her time but she can't say the real shit because they're getting taught the fake shit first and then they learn how to be a human afterwards she's having to hold back on telling kids how to protect themselves not after themselves because fucking religion exists it's ridiculous yeah it's just it'd be great to keep that if you could just separate that the americans have definitely got that right where religion and education are separate aren't they they do but they also have that weird thing where they pretend that they separate church and state but then none of their politicians ever admit to being atheists and if they do they're out of the running yeah it's deeply religious isn't it yeah it's odd isn't

it i've got an idea for the schools i think every kid you bring them away from their parents first day of like year four and you just ask them what religion they want to be and whatever they say that's what you teach them so you'd be like right you can be a Muslim you can be a Jew you can be Catholic you can be a Hindu

whichever one you want what was this thing called now? fucking Hindu I don't really know what they believe other than MacArthur I think Buddhist is the one that you

Quaker they're the good ones they're just Christian aren't they? they're a form of Christian cool then so you just and you just say to each kid

you just have a list you're what you want to be muslim okay you're over there and then whatever you separated them into those classes and then you literally teach them whatever they've decided funnier right funnier that's what you want education was funny do you not think it'd be good like the sorting hat on harry potter yeah yeah Muslim phenomenal they just put the religious sword to that if he's just like oh I think you're gonna be good with you

numbers what yeah numbers you're a fat lazy shit that wants to sit around all day buddies brilliant I'd be into that. You know like in Harry Potter where it gets like

a foot away from Draco Malfoy's head and it's just like you're slithering and you mate is a really fat kid and before they ever got anywhere they were like Buddies! Why is Buddies in fact because Buddah's got a belly. You know what they believe?

No, Adam, what do Buddhists believe? They're like sitting around thinking about stuff and eating. Yeah. It's pretty much it. And if they're good at that, where do they go? What do you mean? Well, what do they believe in? After life, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So you come back as like a fucking lion or a zebra or whatever you want. I think you get up there and he's like, what do you want to be? And you get to go back down Muslim he does who

he HR our Buddha's doing alright good how good were you sitting on your ass that good

did the sorting hat give you Buddhism nice one yeah you're alright ah lads bad pigeon

that's what you got just can be a fat pigeon how do you be a Buddhist lion ripping the fucking flesh off something like if you got reincarnated as a lion how does that work

they do a lot of sitting around though yeah that's true yeah yeah the men have got it sorted haven't they and also you've only seen

the bad bits of being a lion that they put on the telly you don't see them being chill and all sound and like winking at the zebras. Sorry. Yeah. Because David Attenborough has got a right agenda when it comes to lions, hasn't he? Been besmirching lions.

You never see them doing charity work. Because they're trying to suppress it. You've never been to Africa and had a look. Winking at the zebras. You just literally watch the BBC and just. I have been to Africa. Don't you ever point your finger at me? Have you been to Africa?

Shot a milkshake saying that my my one I'm having it yeah it's Egypt isn't it yeah it's right

okay did you have a look at any lions and what they were up to saw some Russians on the beach what were they up to killing a zebra being fucking rude

oh yeah we why was I talking about being catholic why was i asking you what your religion was because he's been raised by atheists he's got cool fucking parents yeah we yeah my mom wanted us to sort of behave but she sort of let it slip yeah just one of the many lies you get told as a kid isn't it like there's they they all sort of fall eventually you've got gods i remember when i found out the tooth fairy wasn't real because i'd been on holiday with my auntie and my uncle and my tooth fell out while i was on holiday and they gave me five euros so when i come back i said to my mom oh the tooth fairy gives you the five for every tooth you lose

rather you go to the fucking bureau de change as as well When you go on Aldi That's me That's me Giving you foreign money It's no useful in this country We were there No we were on holiday So it was to spend on the holiday It wasn't like

Oh here's your money And make sure you don't spend it Until you get home My auntie just gave me Whatever It was probably pesetas back then But it was five A country move

To give someone money For their tooth falling out And in a foreign Like give them in drachma Yeah Spend it You could spend it When I got back I I used to like money for the tooth falling out and in a foreign like give him in drachma yeah yeah spend like you could spend it when i got back i uh i used to like like when when we'd get to uh get sent to bed often me little brother fall asleep and i'd be allowed to go back down and it was not long after

the holiday and me auntie me uncle me mom and me dad were all in the living room and i come down the stairs sort of snuck down after me brother fell asleep and i had my mom go fucking kill you by the way i've got to give him a fucking five and now every time his tooth falls out because that's what you gave monolity and i heard it burst into i was like liars 17 he was allowed to go down after his brother falls asleep i'm gonna go out now yeah liars i actually don't think i did that. I think what I did was just waste it out for a while and just let the lie live for me to fall out and just kept making a bit of money.

Fucking minted off that meat. Oh. Does Etta know the Father Christmas isn't real yet? No, she's in the... She's... She's been at school, so she's just finished reception. Reception. So last day, she goes into year one next year.

And obviously kids tell each other, like, listen, did you know that actually, but she's still, they're really innocent. They're just cute. They're not there yet. So she still fully believes. Christmas just gone, which was just before her fifth birthday, it was, holy shit, the fat man's been. Do you use it against her like they parents threatening kids at father christmas a little bit just gently but not too much because my sister did that with my niece so much

she was like oh the security you know, you know, the security camera. Not the security cameras, the motion sensors for the alarms. She was like, that is Santa watching you. And my niece got so wound up, she was absolutely shit scared of Santa. Who, like, almost like, if you're a Catholic kid 100 years ago, this all-powerful, judgmental as fuck thing watching over you, potentially ruining your Christmas. Like me with an electric toothbrush, potentially ruining your Christmas. Let's see what Seneca's mum did. Me with an electric toothbrush. That kind of thing.

Yeah. Same vibe, yeah. I think you can overdo that as a mechanism of, like, getting them to behave. Like I said, what Seneca's mum did, massively Catholic, when she was little, she put a black cross on her window and said, oh, no, that means you're in the bad book.

She'd been in bad. Wow. Right, what do we do? She's like, well, you know, you have to be good and try and work it off. And on Christmas Eve, she took one strip off and went,

oh, you're nearly there. You need to be good. And then she'd taken it off the window. She's like, oh, you've been good. Fucking hard line that, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Sleep well. That's too much, isn't it?

That could backfire spectacularly, that. If your kid's just an absolute cunt on Christmas Eve and then you've still got to give her all the presents she bought her rather than them coats of waste. So I think genuinely all these threats, I don't get it. Like, I'm not an expert or anything, but if Etta's being a bit of a knob,

threatening her with something that is definitely going to happen, they're smart. They're going to work it out. Like, if you go, right, if you keep doing this, we're definitely going to happen they're smart they're going to work it out like if you go right if you keep doing this we're not going to the shops when you have to go to the shops that's definitely happening because you need to stop don't threaten something that's definitely happening you need to be able to follow through the front and go right cool we're not going fucking anywhere yeah like i i try and keep it it's not easy here's a question sort of had a

similar thing that you were talking about there so you know like how old are your kids uh 14 and 11 so you know when they were younger sort of like when they were like dan's kids age where they're sort of they're still sort of that age where they start finding out father father christmas isn't real and they're talking to their friends like did you know yeah either of you are you ever tempted to just like feed them some shite and see if it can spread around the school oh that'd be fun yeah or just teach them about like 9-11 send them into school that will get you brought into the office i would imagine so hi mystery mrs nightingale could we come in could you come and speak to the headmistress please

Etta has been talking about 9-11 quite a lot And what's the problem with that? Which is unusual for reception age children And what's the problem with that though? As she said anything that isn't a fact And the headmistress can't shout at you either She's got no power over you anymore You can start to fuck off

Yeah the headteacher of my child is a gobshite. That's the Adam role. Fucker. Did you get about 9-11? But as long as all the information you give Etta is correct, you teach her about Bin Laden, how much of a gobshite he was, what he did.

Where he is. The names of all the hijackers. Call me mad, but I think five and a half might be a little too early for that. You reckon? Yeah, just maybe I'm a bit old school. We all do parent indifference.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Night, night. Oh, before you go to bed, you want a bedtime story? Well, let me tell you about the Pentagon. Teaching a child conspiracy theory, like Tinky Winky. Remember the gay one, the gay conspiracy? Yeah. Teach you that?

Yeah. We're just doing the basics at the moment so she's got a black Barbie Etta's got a black Barbie and who doesn't it's really who doesn't amongst us

I've got several black Barbies she's got a black Barbie and it's fun like just sort of working that out with Etta in what way she's because we were she had it playing fun like just sort of working that out with etta in what way she's because we were she had it playing and like referenced it and i was like well she's a black woman and she was like no daddy she's english i was like okay but you can be you can be black and you can be english and she was

like well she speaks like us and i was like okay cool you know when you're just getting into what and you're looking at laura why have we got a black barbie babe right we could avoid this where did you get enough from though the black barbie no Where did you get this from? Have you not been to... I've been looking for one for fucking months. Where did you get that? You get it from Black Toys R Us. Have you not seen it?

It's a whole different section. What's the song? Black Pepper. It's Black Pepper Pig. What's the song? Love jumping in puddles. There's a million... Yes?

Where's she getting that rhetoric from though yeah she's just she's no no she's just she is just at that age where she is working out

what's what and it's she's it's like oversimplified like you've got to teach her that skin colour

is nothing to do with nationality or anything and she's working it out she's got a friend from school who is whose parents are filled with shite and sentiments

of the schools are spreading I've done what I said it's not very multicultural she's got a friend who is mixed I think mixed race

and so Etta's just working it out I mean this is the point where as parents you are just downloading your bullshit onto them

because if I was racist i could be like yeah thing is black barbie they say she's english but is she off your goal love have a great day spread that hate like so you know when people go oh it's disgusting isn't it how racist like that it's their parents fault because then the children end up racist but they're just downloading their bullshit onto their kids obviously it's wrong we all think it's wrong but we're just doing the same with our kids like i'm downloading all my liberal stuff onto etta which i think is right it's just it's a time a crucial age but it's yeah she's got a black barbie god bless was that a deliberate decision she chose it okay

it's the black ken and i don't know if you've been to a toy shop with a little white kid recently i imagine you haven't you know because but if they go oh can i have that one and you go no you have the white one right you will get a few looks. Yeah, the staff are trying to intervene. Excuse me, love, have we got any Aryan Barbies? Is there a Black Ken? A Kenneth? I don't... Listen, I'm not proud that I know loads more about...

There's Fat Barbie. There is all sorts of Barbies now. Like, there's virtually every denomination. So there should be as well. But not Ken. Oh, Like, there's virtually every denomination. So there should be as well. But not Ken. Oh, yeah, Ken still. Yeah, are there multi-use Kens? Multi-use Kens?

Shove him right up your ass. Go Swiss Army knife on his hand. Depends how committed you are. I don't know, yeah, probably. Oh, there is Black Kens. It's called Black Ken. No, it isn't. I't Turn that telly on right now Turn the television on

Immediately Your world's about to change Surely there's not a Chinese Ken Oh don't Let's not Come on Ken Hum Who the fuck is

Oh my lord Wow Oh my god Yeah there's a black Ken So there should be as well Yeah so there should be There you go Where will it

What Mate that's not the Looks like Adam Staunton That's not the one you buy though is it Yeah I know there's one I know there's a Barbie with like a leg missing. Right. It's broke.

No, but like... Amputee Barbie. Amputee Barbie, that's the one. Is there really? Yes, because there's children who have missing limbs who need to realise it's normal. So they give them the toy. Bradley's called Black Ken.

Is it cheaper, the amputee one? Yeah, you save on plastics. Costs an arm and a leg. Come on. Aye! Well, I don't know how you're finding the water, but I find it choppy. Choppy water.

Sure is cheaper. It's less material, isn't it? Right. Carly's having the time of his life looking through black cans. But there's larger cans. Oh my God. Ryan Gosling is actually playing Ken in the film. Yeah, it looks weird, doesn't it?

Barbie, the film. It does look really weird. Weird. Did you turn the TV off, Ken? Too clean. Yeah, but it's meant to be all plasticky like that. I think it must be kind of a cool film, though. Barbie does look really weird weird like too too clean yeah yeah but it's meant to be all plasticky like that

I think it must be kind of a cool film though if Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling are in it's not gonna be I think it's gonna be done well

I think when he talks I know I saw someone saying it's not what you think it's gonna be I think it might be subverting it will it be dark

yeah yeah oh that'll be great Ryan Gosling's proper yeah and he's also mmm beautiful George

oh yeah yeah that'll be good actually if they like twisted it and it was dark I think that's gonna be the point oh really yeah yeah yeah yeah

but hang on aren't Little Gales wanna go wanna go and see it no it's not it's not a kids it's not a I don't think it's a kids film

right no I'm just from what like Batman was the way Batman was with dark I think there's I think there's gonna be a bit more I don't think it's a kids film. Right. No, I'm just from what... Like Batman was, the way Batman was a bit dark. I think there's going to be a bit more to it. I think it might be for adults. Cool. We'll see.

I fucking love Ryan Gosling, by the way. I genuinely think he's fucking awesome. Drive. Is it Drive? Yeah. Cool dude, then. He is good. Should I have a break?

I need a break. Do you need a break yeah it's hot a lot of fun oh do we have breaks a little quick break black barbie oh is that when you do your advert reads yeah yeah so here's some contour gives us money enjoy wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive we've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing.

Get one of these ones, but when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra have a word pod dot com

is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking pedo get some merch

but he can't help himself but look at them look through the camera they're fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it I like you I think you look good

fucking pathetic but you'll look better in have a word pod merch that's what i was saying just in a more polite way and that's here because carlo put the graphic in have a word pod.com if you can't read get on me par four we're back it's par four it's the fourth part of four this is the last part I don't know why that bugs me so much when he's like four

everything's doing nothing today no no it's the weird it's a weird one that you get to the end and you're like you do a like

a counting par four you count them we've done three now there's four but there won't be five it's too many you guys alright

from afar we've we've podcasted two days in a row we did yesterday as well but there won't be five. It's too many. You guys are right. From afar, we've podcasted two days in a row. We did yesterday as well and it's just, you know, he's doing it. Also, he's been in a mood

since he walked in the door. What a load of shite. I've had a fucking Nando's for lunch. I've just sat here and watched you bicker all afternoon, you two,

thinking, these two need a pod. If this was a dinner date with a couple, I'd be thinking, they're getting divorced by Christmas. But it seems like, you know. We haven't bickered. We've been alright. You haven't even seen both of us. Me, me, me. I mean, I'm new here. There's definitely

been bickering. I need to tell you that. There's definitely been bickering. You think it's bickering, Alan, because you're not accustomed to scouse love. Yeah. You fucking gobshite. Come here. Kiss me. I do.

You're my wife. Fucking yes. That's an entire episode of Brookside, that one. We're coming back in after an advert for... Oh, for merch. Shaving. No, we've done the shaving the balls. Is that gone?

Yeah. No, we still do it. It's just earlier in the episode. Yeah. I felt left out when I watched, because I do it. It's just earlier in the episode. Yeah. I felt left out when I watched because I don't... Mine's just unkempt down there. Wild. Like, as God intended.

Wild. Is it really? Yeah, fully. Have you ever shaved it or is this literally like... How old are you? I'm 47. So is this 32 years of pubes? No, I was a late developer.

It's 12. First pube, 35. Does it ever stop growing? Pubes? Yeah, that's why everyone calls him Gandalf Knob on the circuit. Mine are tucked into my socks even as I'm sat here. Long johns? It's got a centre parting.

But do they ever stop growing, your pubes? I suppose half of them end up in the shower plug, don't they? What happens if you just never, ever cut your hair? Does it reach a point where it just gives up and it's like, all right, I'm stopping? Or does it keep going? Now you need to get back in touch with that Sikh person that emailed you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't cut their hair, do they? Do they not? That's the whole thing, yeah. That's why they don't cut their hair, do they? Do they not? That's the whole thing, yeah. That's why they wear the turban. Is that their hair? Yeah. Yeah.

It's often purple fabric. That's what it turns into. If you don't wash it. What are you sending Tammy on for? Because I'm going to show you the 95-year-old man who's never cut his hair. Right. It looks like he's got an acorn for the head.

Ugh. He looks like a tail. He literally does look like a turtle. He literally does look like a turtle. What's he benefiting here, the daft twat? Because we're looking at him. That's what he wants, isn't it? Have you seen the fella who keeps his hand in the air?

Have you seen him? That one, that gobshite? No. The fella who's had his hand in his ear for like 40 years. No. Show him that. Exactly. And it's stopped working.

It's like death, isn't it? What do they call it? What, there's a guy that's had his hand in it? What? For like 40 years. Is it atrophied when it just... Big fan of amateur celebration. 45 years. He loved it.

Guru wizard guy. I mean, anyone who calls themselves that's a twat anyway. 45 years he's had his arm in the air as of that. Oh, yeah. It's got to hurt. He just missed the bus and never got over it. He's a nut. He's literally missed the bus And refused to accept it

He was trying to flag it down That's all it is He was just a stubborn twat He's like Buses are drawn past Everyone's going to hard He's like I'm literally

I'm always like this I'm always like this 45 years of hurt I'm all Like I wasn't trying to get on the bus You can't go to auctions Learned that the hard way Can't walk through central London Every bus. You can't go to auctions. Learn that the hard way.

Can't walk through central London. Every taxi would stop. Can't go to Germany in 1945. For two reasons. Fucking hell. I mean, if you were going to go back to Nazi era Germany, 45's a bit of a... Okay, then 41.

Thank you. Some good years ahead of Germany. 45 is a bit of a foot. Okay, then 41. Wow. Thank you. Some good years ahead of you. Dan, have we got any correspondence? No. Let's see some more pictures of dudes

with their hands up. Oliver Allen says, if you... Olly olly o. Olly olly o. Olly o. Olly olly o. I love olly o.

If you had to have the voice of another comic, whose would you take and why? Said this week to my cat, William, didn't I? Here's a question for the guests. That's good. That is good. It'd be a bit jarring with my face and physique. Well, I'm already excited.

Would it match the shape? Maybe a bit of Reginald D well i'm already excited would it match the shape maybe a bit original d hunter that would be phenomenal that would be nice oh yeah you can imagine it working you look silly yeah i think you might get cancelled pretty quick yeah yeah you heard alan cochran yeah come out of the lockdowns weird yeah he's talking like i'll like fucking reginald do it i'm not from around here. I'm from Middlesbrough. You can't get cancelled for doing that accent. I think you'd get... Let's find out. No.

You absolutely cannot. You could do that on stage. I mean, I am doing it on stage at the minute in a new bit. Are you? No. No, no. You couldn't replace your whole persona with the voice of Reginald Hunter

if you're a 47-year-old bloke from West Yorkshire. You better watch the rest of this damn episode, motherfucker. I think you could get cancelled. Okay, brother. Laconic Southern Irish. John Lynn? Oh, that'd be nice. Just like, you know,

I've seen so many great Irish comics over the last 20 years. I've also seen some people that are phoning in some pretty fucking basic dog shit, but the crowd are like, oh God, he's so charming, isn't he? Jesus, what's it like? You know, just get up and you're fucking knackered and you go back to bed mental.

And you're not knackered. We love a beer. Fucking love drinking. Just get away with it because they're so fucking, just charming. I think Kevin Bridvin bridges accent is a i mean he's a phenomenal comic anyway but i think it's a huge asset to him i think he's made that work but i think sort of schemey glaswegian until kevin bridges i don't think he's made that

do you know i don't know no i think it's an asset that he's used well i don't think he's had to get around it i think it's adds to yeah what's used well. I don't think he's had to get around it. I think it adds to what is already pretty good comedy. Yeah, sometimes people give credit where it isn't due, don't they? I once did, I don't like to talk about how well I did at a gig, but I did well at a gig in Leeds many years ago. And a really pissed woman kept going, it's because you talk like that, when you talk like that. And I was going, it's not because I talk like, it's because you talk like we talk like that it's because you and i was going

it's not because i talk like it's not and she was like it's because you we all identify with you because you talk like we i was like no these jokes worked in hong kong last week they did not talk and you didn't change your voice for actually looking back yeah yeah that is that's not a compliment you want from a drunk woman in leeds he's like no no it's not really about what he said i didn't even hear it but it's just because you sound like we sound definitely not a compliment you want from a drunk woman in hong kong either actually dan i'd like you to do nico yarwood i think you'd suit that one nico yarwood yeah yeah asian is he asian yeah he's from babitas asian but to take it on as your whole

as you're basically taking the voice to use as your standard well this is the um who had the oh my god oh mark watson mark watson just started his comedy career with a welsh accent because he thought it was funny yeah and then basically got politely asked to stop fucking doing it. Yeah. Because he started out, Mark Watson started out with a, hello, this is my character. He's got family from Wales. And he just did a lovable sort of, I'm from Wales, I'm a bit simple.

And who asked him to stop doing it? After about three or four years, just other comics were like, what's this? Why are you doing that? He was like, I was just, how I started it. Yeah, but it's not your voice, is it? He wasn't being a character.

He was just doing his comedy with a sort of Welsh accent. And I think a few, I think it was, I would have to ask him. I've been doing that. I'm actually from Carlisle. Yeah.

For a long time. You will get found out with stuff like that. And obviously, if you're doing Reginald D. Hunter's voice, there is other implications, isn't there?

Yeah. I would go, charmingny lynn johnny lynn sexy voice you know what it's like when you're taking a like if you do it in my voice you know it's like you're taking a and i was like oh damn it's a bit shrill well the lady's like, fucking hell, John. I love shitting. Oh, Johnny Lynn. John Lane's famous taking a shit routine. That we all know. It would work. It would work. So smooth. I'm a full-on Johnny Lynn.

What else you got? Brad Jones says, there's a trend. Bradley Jones, the goalkeeper. Bradley Jones, the goalkeeper, says, there's a trend going around YouTube at the moment about getting from one place to another with one pound budget. All right. You may have seen Stephen Try's recent video.

Have loved it, liked it, shared, subscribed. So my question is, if you woke up one morning in Mozambique with a quid in your pocket and no phone, how would you make enough money to survive, get home? That's from Bradley Jones, the goalkeeper. Go to the British Embassy. We'll come to you first, Alan. Well, I'd be in deep shit,

because as I was saying to Dan moments ago, I have no other saleable skills other than stand-up. And you can't do Reginald Hunter's voice in Mozambique. I could probably juggle. I could fashion some juggling stuff and see if I could busk. The least likely juggler. Juggle Boston in Mozambique. I mean, street performing,

you don't really need... There's no massive start-up costs in it. It's not like I'm going to wake up and go, I've got one local dollar or whatever. Just juggle that. I'll start a dot-com firm. Like, you know, you need stuff that's free, don't you? I wonder how much street performers in Mozambique make.

I mean, I don't know what the... I know the GDP in Mozambique probably isn't that high. Yeah. I wonder if you'd get, like, you know, at the Edinburgh Festival, when you can't get down the Royal Miles because some cunt's on a unicycle. Like a 10-foot unicycle. Like a 10 foot unicycle.

Like, oh, is he going to get on it? Of course he is. He's on the fucking Royal Mile at the Fringe. He's dead good. They never fall off.

We've seen a fella run through knives and fire, didn't they, in Glasgow? Big set up. A ring of fire. Have you seen

the Simpsons one? Pass the dog, do stick. It's like, what are you doing? We know you're going to do it. No one's going, oh, was like, what are you doing? We know you're going to do it. No one's going, oh, I bet he's going to die. We know you're going to do it.

Yeah. You do kind of watch it hoping they're going to hurt themselves. But you never do. If I woke up in Mozambique with a quid, I would just accept the fact that I now live in Mozambique and I'm going to starve to death. Good answer. Genuinely.

I'd just be like, this is fucked, innit? I don't know what to do. No one's going to be to death. Good answer. Genuinely. I'd just be like, this is fucked, innit? I don't know what to do. No one's going to be able to help me. I don't speak the language. Let's have a kip. Ring Freddie Quinn and see if he's got a gig there.

I think Freddie's probably, I'm just my fucking eyeballs in Mozambique admin. What would you actually do though? Genuinely? Like, no joking. I would literally just accept that I'm just going to die in Mozambique.

Do you just sit there until you died? I'd just be homeless in Mozambique, genuinely. Like, no joking. I would literally just accept that I'm just going to die in Mozambique. So you'd just sit there until you died? I'd just be homeless in Mozambique, yeah. I'd try and be the, you know, like the fellow in Liverpool, Plinkety Plinkman, who's got like the cardboard guitar and now he's got like the upgraded one. I'd just try and be Mozambique's him. I'd just sing really badly and hope people take pity on me.

Fly me to the moon. I'd just be him, but in Mozambique I'd be at the consulate begging yeah I'd be at the business embassy with a quid

that's a good plan actually I'd sound like Pietro he's in Adam goes to the square fly me to the I'd be like hello I'm British

could you help me I'm not meant to be here that is a I would be very that's a better plan isn't it That's a way better plan than busking Oh my god I'd lose all my accent I'd be like hello I don't know how I'm here But it's awfully foreign

Could you take me home now Thank you Isn't that a matter there's just a British house in all the countries That you can just sort you know Have I got a memory of you having the same motorbike That they did all the You know Ewan McGregor and his mate got motorbikes and they went from like London to Cape Town. Did you have

a motorbike like that? I've had motorcycles, but- Didn't you have one of those big BMW- I've had a motorbike, yeah, a BMW one, but I'm glad you've asked this because I've recently dealt with a bit of anxiety about my motorbike because i was leaving it outside my house and not really dealing with it and basically it was rotting and and i've got rid of it right so no i don't i don't ride like around to gigs like a sort of comedy version of ewan mcgregor and charlie ball you fucking did though because

i did i did a gig with you in Darlington and you were getting into leathers. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, that might be the one where I had just passed and, oh, God, the journey back on that was really horrible because there was loads of road closures. So what should have taken, you know, an hour and a half or whatever just ended up, and I was riding around to different,

and a horrible thing happened on the M62. You know when you get slapped by wind in the car and you don't notice? Turns out on that motorcycle, I got changed lanes for me. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that bit of the M62 where you sort of go over a, is there like a dam? Yeah. There's water off to the left yeah and it and it's constant winds yeah the i i think maybe me learning to motorcycle

was part midlife crisis which everyone says at the time like oh midlife crisis and you go and then five years later you go actually that probably was a midlife crisis. Although I still think we should reframe midlife crises. Oh, because you've had a few? No, I mean, four people. Like, I actually think that it's just people eventually going, I fucking want to do that thing and I haven't been doing it. Yes, it's about budget.

Yeah, I think it's partly budget and desire. I bought a fucking sports car at 24 years old just couldn't afford it right sick of people going oh you've got a z4 midlife crisis right fuck off just got some expendable income yeah maybe it's called midlife crisis because people only do it at midlife because that's when they can start being able to afford stuff that's exactly the implication is you get to 40 and regardless of money or there's not when when people say midlife crisis, they mean you've got to the midpoint of your life. You're like, oh, I'm halfway dead. I need a sports car.

Like, there's no financial background to it at all. Yeah. Motorbike? I've never even heard you talk about motorbikes. You? He's always talking about motorbikes. Is he? Yeah, he doesn't shut up.

Are you starting a motorbike podcast? Yeah. Are you? He loves motorbikes. I haven't claimed that I have he loves motorbikes i haven't claimed that i have talked no i just feel like i feel like of all the things we've talked about motorbikes has almost never come up i can drive motorbikes can you yeah i used to have i had a kawasaki when i was a kid like i right i believe you but i want wanna call bullshit they were like

they're like popular like in was it a mini moto no you had a Kawasaki super bike like a what CC

a junior a car 120 the 125s aren't they yeah something like that yeah I got one when I was like 12

like everyone in Dovey had one really he's not wrong he's not wrong there like that's true a 125 was like a gift when you grew up literally i got it was my main present for christmas one year yeah no i don't believe it i don't believe it i don't know we can't do 200 episodes and he's like yeah i was a 12 year old on a kawasaki but why not hang on we've talked

about pogo sticks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking pogo. Fucking pogo master. And you didn't mention that you were a biker mice from Mars. Yeah, everyone in DuckCon. Oh, it's the school run. Come on, lads.

Get to school. And, and, and, and, and, and, and. Well, they were banned from school. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, they actually were. Because everyone's parking up in like. Kids were turning up to schools on Kawasaki's and quad bikes 1-2-5's

people would get quad bikes for Christmas a 1-2-5 was a gift I've got a 1-2-5 lads that means you've got a decent little fucking dirt bike yeah at 12 it was really dark blue it was dark blue like plastic

which you're legally not allowed to ride until you're 16 oh yeah you were meant to you were meant to drive them like off-road but we obviously didn't. I'd literally just be driving down to Scouse mums and dads.

Now, have you never driven through Liverpool? What? Have you never seen a Scali wheeling a motorbike down Queen's Drive?

It's like the start of Scouse summer. The first time you see a fucking Scouse kid with his top off wheeling his Kawasaki down Queen's Drive, you're like,

fucking hell, put the clocks forward. Listen, I'm aware it happens. I just didn't know it was you when you were 12. Right. And a blue Kawasaki. You thought he was a different kind of...

I don't know if this is true or false. And I'm saying it's true. You do, because you were at school with him. Not when he was 12. No, this is little school. This is year six, five, six. Because I didn't have one but a new one two fives like yeah but a one two five lad and i feel like he had one i turned up to

school in it once and got detention that day and was told never to ever ever ever turn up to school on me kawasaki ever again it's just certain things excluded and you were like permanently gobshite expelled i fucking hate teachers telling you can't ride in your one two five well they said you come but don't come back in your one two five well they said you come but don't come back on your one two five so i got a 250 and my mom made me sell it because i wanted to start competing now it's a lie that's a lie no she sold it because i i was getting like obsessed with it always wanted to be honest she never wanted me to have it my dad got me a sort of against a better judgment and And I was like,

I'm going to start like competing at the racetrack days and whatever. Classic dad move. Don't get in my motorbike. No, no, of course I haven't. Don't go in the hallway. She sold it when I was at school one day.

And I come home and she's like, I've sold it. You're not riding it anymore. I shot her. So she's dead and that's how she died. On the bullshit bell? Yeah.

Phenomenal. I entered one competition. I didn't do very well. Where was the competition? Let's just pull on the thread. St. Ellen's, I think, actually. St. Ellen's. The St. Ellen Dirt Bike Challenge.

One, two, five. Why? Why is that the unbelievable bit? Yeah. I didn't do very well. There was about 40 of us And I maybe came 35th In what was it a race? Because I was

Yeah Like around the track You weren't all racing at the same time Like maybe like Time trials Yeah Right And I'm a nonce because I've got a BMX

Did you always 12 year old Can't be a nonce when you're 12 year old You're just fucking A shagger aren't you That's what his bike was called shagger

shagger can't be a nonce when you're a 12 year old just a shagger what a name did you always want to ride a bike when you were young

no you just literally got to yeah alright cool mine was an 8th life crisis right I don't fancy it but that that uh

was it called the long way around oh yeah the long way down that did look cool go riding long distances with your mates on bikes yeah our patron special ideas are getting more and more ridiculous bit of my head that's like this we're getting motorbikes yeah someone told me that um uh what's the beatles video where they're all skiing and help yeah and it basically came about because they were like chatting going well what have we not done they went we've never skied let's go ski honestly alan i'm not joking that's how we do our patrons i'm just saying it's it's a good we've never made an official music video we are the beatles yeah uh-huh i'm i'm

george addison you reckon yeah yeah he's the only sound one i tell you what the difficult thing is getting the lyric you can't be a nonce when you're a 12 year old just to shag it into a song just like the deals um good harmony opportunity some advice we give we give good advice i think you're ready to give good advice yeah yeah i'm up for it

so someone else's life out yeah ben hopkins with a simple one i brought a house i bought a house and no idea what to do with one of the bedrooms any and all ideas are welcome. I just love when the door opens. Start a podcast with your scouse mate. Works out really well for me. Right. Yeah, what would you do with your... I assume this guy's single, so he's got no one telling him he can't

have what he wants. I would flip back again. Never been married. But he's gonna take that anger into the marriage fucking wives gobshites

telling me what to do along with God teachers traffic wardens the fucking St. Helens Kawasaki 125 officials

you can't ride there fuck off you're in the ASDA I didn't even place but I did me shopping i don't play by the rules you've been disqualified not i want to do the long way down i want to go fucking morrison's I want to go fucking Morrisons.

Spare room. What to use it for. Yeah. Yeah. I mean... Hostage? Dungeon? Sex dungeon. Take a hostage.

I never brought sex into it. I just said dungeon. Oh, actual dungeon. Hey, try and titillate it a bit if you want. I don't mind. This is for history fans, love. We'll make this back. Yeah, don't whip out a sex dungeon on your missus.

That's a shot. Like, what are you doing with the spare room? I've got a surprise. Why? Why wouldn't he like that? What if she was a sexy lady? I feel like it's something you want to get planning permission for. Yeah.

I'd say maybe consider making a lovely home office. Oh, yeah. Always with a mind on industry, isn't it? Just a desk, computer, some weighing scales if you don't want to put them in the bathroom. They can go in there.

A little excess storage if you've got a lot of clothes like I have. Yeah, or hobbies. Could be a hobbies room. Playing this one with a straight bat. Yeah, surprise yeah surprise he would add to the value of the property yeah rented out to a ukrainian or give him it for free oh no you can't rent to a ukrainian not in this climate at least got to give him 30 40 friends and family yeah put a ukrainian in there

put five ukrainians in there and see what happens and lock the door right oh and now it's a dungeon again yeah ukrainian sex dungeon told you it was a good idea but i was going back to it see get five ukrainians lock the door see what happens in six months oh i'd love uh joe what lock five ukrainians in there, right? And in another bedroom, right? Lock another five in there. And in one of them, give them a fish. And in the other one, teach them to fish. Lock both doors.

And see whether that old saying is true. See who goes hungry first. The ones with the fish are the ones who know how to fish. If you teach a Ukrainian to fish in a spare room in Dovecot, you've got a plumbing problem. I'd just love a sabutio room

or a Skeletrix room. I think that's what I'd do. I'd just go old school childhood. Right. What about one of those little Skeletrix room. I think that's what I do. I just go old school childhood. Right. What about one of those little Skeletrix that you have to go in and so you're in the middle of all the fucking

up against the wall snooker table. I had a snooker table for Christmas and no room to put it in and just come play. You had a snooker table? Not a Kawasaki 125? Shit fucking parents. You're at a snooker table. Not a Kawasaki 125. Shit fucking parents. I've got a video,

like an old VHS of me riding my Kawasaki up and down Kemsley Road. I'll see it. I'll believe it. Cool. Did you share it with anyone or was it just yours?

Who took the video? Your dad. Right. Don't write this on the street unless I'm filming you. We always drove it on the street. That's all we really did. But I thought your parents told you not to write this on the street unless i'm filming you and that's always driving on the street it's all we really did but i thought your parents told you not to drive on the street no you weren't meant to drive on the street my mom did not like it at all no but like i didn't want to be the only kid in the street not driving his kawasaki on the street everyone else was driving theirs yeah am i supposed to play with a fucking

yo-yo while everyone's wheeling there's pressure to fit in isn't there no parking spaces in israel with all the kids at the kawasaki's park i love how he actually doesn't believe me as well i love if you wanted to invest in property round his way 2003 2004 probably brilliant how house prices around it yeah it's not good not good you don't cool cool I believe you I wanna believe you I know you do but you don't no and it's

the I don't believe you were that young I was that young it was like year 5 and 6 mad because 1, 2, 5 is quite tall

fairly big for how young I was you are right But Again I just asked for the one That everyone else was getting Yeah but obviously

He progressed from a 50cc When he was four Yeah yeah yeah You're coming out of reception You need a scooter A Vespa I can't believe You don't believe me

Dear Alf A bit more advice Will Waters says Or anonymous, I don't know if he wants it to be anonymous Dear Alf Old Willie Water Charlie Foxtrot Old anonymous Willie Water Been listening to this gem of a pod for about a year now

And I thought you guys could help Please can I have some advice? Been having some issues with my girlfriend Because I'm due to go on a family holiday to Dubai with her family in three weeks. However, I've got a rugby tour to Benidorm coming up and it clashes with the

gimpy Dubai holiday. I do understand where my girlfriend's coming from because last time I went on a rugby tour, I came back three days after I said I would with half my eyebrows gone, a tattoo on the back of my knee saying Hazel, which is a mum's... One eyebrow, you mean?

Which is... A tattoo on the back of my knee saying Hazel, which is a mum's name. Her parents paid for it to be removed. And a bloke called Dale Overton's disabled badge, which I use in Tesco.

However, she doesn't seem to realise that I think her family are utter quags and her mum is some tired old bag who's never had fun in her life

and her dad is so dry if he talked to grapes they'd end up as raisins. So can I have some advice on what you absolute lids would do in my situation? Would you go on the rugby tour with all your mates

and possibly die or go on some fry boring utterly pointless holiday to Dubai? Cheers you boots boots you beauts from Will in South Wales

well I know what I would do but I also know what I would advise to do I would I would probably go on the Dubai holiday

because I'm actually really quite boring I don't rock the boat a great deal but I don't think that's I don't think that's what he could do like a fuck rugby tour goes to benidorm i mean that is that is a made-up rugby

tour in it they're not going to watch rugby it's lads who play rugby going lads on tour lads lads lads on the way it read it was like yeah that's not what a rugby tour went on a rugby tour sounds like they've got A load of fixtures around Alicante and Sevens or something Yeah Yeah yeah

We went on a rugby tour Dan Oh yeah Well that's because I live and breathe Sometimes I just think I've got to stop thinking About rugby league all the time And thanks for everyone

That's tagging me into Every online social question Like who do you know That's mad into rugby league Dan has a podcast every time And question, like, who do you know that's mad into rugby league? Dan Adams, Dan Adams, a podcast every time. And I appreciate it because come on, you saints. Yeah.

So what would you do, Alan? I think this fella should probably end the relationship and go on the rugby tour, I think. But I think if it was me, I would go on the family holiday because I'm quite boring. Like, I'm pathologically boring. A family holiday to Dubai? I know things have changed a bit, but... Yeah.

I mean, I don't like... You could do a family holiday. Is that a family holiday, Dubai? Yeah, it can be. But what do you do? What do you mean? Sounds more of like, I'm going to do a gig there,

I've got a week on my own, Dubai. Yeah. It's like a party holiday or a shopping holiday or a family holiday. Yeah, it's not like... No, you can do a gig there I've got a week on my own Dubai it's like a party holiday or a shopping holiday or a family holiday no you can do a family holiday to Dubai

and a lot of people actually do do it well that's what I'm learning but it's like someone going yeah we're going on an all inclusive

family holiday to fucking Thailand like I'm not saying it doesn't happen but it sounds a bit weird doesn't it so maybe there's a third way

that we should get this chap to suggest to go to Dubai ruin the family to centre parks instead. Not Dubai, not the rugby lads holiday. Like a third way, like Tony Blair. I think it depends on how much he's in love with his girlfriend

and how much he wants to please her. He doesn't sound like his arse at all. Rugby tour. Yeah. Yeah, rugby tour. How old is he? He's, I don't know 28

just remember women are like elephants they don't forget so she will remember that you've fucked this family holiday off forever

and she will use it to beat you round the fucking head for eternity so you've got to be willing to put up with that if you're going to stay with this woman

yeah elephants are like that women are like elephants you I mean, like elephants. He didn't come on that family holiday. Elephants are always saying that. Hey, he doesn't, he sounds like he doesn't want to be in the relationship.

Just go on the rugby tour and take a bed. Soz kid, I'm going away with the boys. I would love. No, but I'm not this person, am I?

No, you're not. No. I'd go, hey, I'm going away with the boys and she'd understand. Are you going to Dubai with the family?

Fuck off. That's actually what I like about it. It sounds exactly like your birthday. I love it. I love it when Carl loses patience with the advice. I'll just fucking do it. Shoot someone in the head. Stop talking about it.

What I like about this section is that it's actually, like, we don't have to live with the consequences. Exactly. If we had to live with the consequences if we had to live with the consequences there would be very different content coming out of this podcast yeah no offense mom and dad but that holiday sounds fucking grim yeah if it's going to dubai with your boring in august in august it's like 500 degrees stinking i'm going to dubai in the first week of august and i uh i really hope people come out and buy tickets because i'm dreading that week because it's a hundred percent humidity at the minute oh you're going to gig i'm doing one show and initially they were like we'll fly you in and out within 48 hours

and i was like no if you want me to come and do the gig i want a week in a hotel actually did they sell that is like that was a good thing you'll only be here two days yeah and i was like it's a long way to go for two days. So I want a fucking holiday. And then I remembered what Dubai is like in August. And now I wish I was going in and out within 48 hours. 100% humidity is like soup, you know? Yeah.

Soup in the air. You can drink the air. Yeah. It's fucking horrible. You're not going to love that. No, I'm not. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to spend a week indoors in Dubai eating shellfish.

Good family, are you, though? Get me to... On a rugby tour, Kev. Considering we've just done a rugby tour to a spade. Very great. Fucking brilliant. Rugby, rugby, rugby. Right, one, have a word.

And we'll close this bar. Right. Connor says, Wag wag. I need you to have a word with my mate Dan. For some ungodly reason, he likes to have one bite of food and then one bite of a dessert at the same time.

For instance, I caught him eating pizza and Easter egg simultaneously. The pizza was a meat feast and then he had a bite of his cabri egg. So he also does this at restaurants. He orders dessert and requests they be brought out at the same time so he can do this. Please have a word.

I know his brother is a lid, so the message might get through. Cheers. Is he Asian? Connor. Oh, and Connor says he's not Asian. Oh, then it doesn't make sense. Why are you bothered if he's Asian?

This is you saying... Yeah, what's the Asian thing? Asian people eat dessert alongside their mate. Do they? I thought i thought you were gonna have harsher judgment based on his race no that's a common thing in asia in japan all across asia do you know what i just hate being in a restaurant with someone who fucking rocks the boat who's like can you bring that to 10 000 just fucking order like you meant to order stop being a pubic hair like i love dipping me mackey's chips in a milkshake or like into me mcflurry because they all get given to you at the same time yeah also there's no etiquette or rules with the mackey d's you can make up as you go along asking a fucking chef and a waiter to

remember that they've got to bring out your dessert with your... Just shut up. Have your fucking fish and chips and have your tiramisu afterwards. What restaurant's this? Italian Harry Ramsden's. Fish and chips and tiramisu. I think you know you love someone

when you put up with their fussiness. Right. Because I'm a bit fussy, but I can hide in plain sight and just get like, even you, we were at Nando's, you're like, look at that.

It's like fucking 10 year olds. The phrase hiding in plain sight is now connected with Jimmy Savile. You're aware of that, aren't you? Oh yeah, the name of his thing. Yeah.

I mean, it's still apt. Okay. If you're fine with that, I'm fine. You've watched this. This is the least of my worries. But I've got a friend who has got intolerances

and an allergy to tomato, and we still go for pizza. And just to watch her order food, I know I love her as a friend, but I don't go, oh, for fuck's sake. I've just learned that it's a faff, and at some point the waiter is going to, you can tell he's thinking, for fuck's sake, mate.

What is this? How are you even out of the house? But it is, you do wish you could just order a pizza and go, yeah, there's that one. Is that not the sort of friend that you just avoid going to food with? Like you say stuff like, let's go swimming today. Let's go swimming instead

and hide in plain sight we'll do bouldering together swim i'm really hungry she's come on get your trunks on um i had this with i've had this with ex-girlfriends who are fussy where they're dead fussy but then they would try and make me do the fussy ordering on their behalf yeah fuck that. So they'd be like, right, when she comes over, will you tell her to do this? And I'd be like, no, no. If you want this fucking shite doing,

I want the waitress or waiter or whatever you're meant to say to hate you. I want to be here and be like, I'll have my steak, medium if you don't mind, chips, bit of fucking onion rings, whatever. This squat, one, two, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah.

Scat. Nothing. Nothing to do with me. We might as well be sat on different tables. I genuinely can't. I can't think of one. You get rounded by going to restaurants you know are safe, though, don't you? I don't.

I'm not a big fan of Chinese, but I can go to Indians. There's loads of stuff I don't eat at Indian restaurants, but as long as you can put an order in, if you can go, I want a chicken tikka boona with an onion bhaji or whatever, you're fine, aren't you? They don't know that actually I can't eat anything with fish in. I'm not that keen on lamb. That's what I mean.

You're smart. So yeah. You're literally not going, can I have the seafood pasta with no seafood? Yeah. Which is what annoys me. Is this making anybody else hungry? But this is either attention seeking, pasta with no seafood yeah which is what annoys me but is this making anybody else hungry or is it

but this is this is either attention seeking like really awkward awful contrived contrarian behavior like oh i'm a bit of a you don't get me i have a fucking vanilla slice and a chicken ticket like that's just yeah in the end you're gonna go either stop being a weird cunt or I'm not going fucking eating with you this is mental illness isn't it shite if it doesn't affect

you then shut up and get over there so there you go we've had a word with your mates you made a fucking tit a helmet

bob shite make him listen to this whenever ever if you ever come to a live show with this cunt make sure he comes

Nowhere near me It's me in the bad mood today You are being testy today though Have I fuck You're just being a bit It's fine It's fine I'm flying mate

You're shitting yourself I'm flying You fool I'm having a good day For a salad It's grand I want a video Of you on a fucking Kawasaki

And I want it soon Otherwise I call you a liar sir And then you'll see me testing I mean I've got a tape of it You haven't got a VHS in your life Oh yeah yeah yeah What?

There's no VHS's in your life They're in my dad's house I've got loads From when I was a kid I've got the one of me At the nativity Where I fucked up my fucking line Well I nailed the line

And then looked right down my dad's camera and said, see that? I fucking nailed it. And they just rode off through the church. There's no room in the end. Man, man, man, man, man, man. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you're going to have to find a VHS player. Good luck with that. But yeah, you can have it. 100%. I've got one. Sorted. Alan's still using it. There's a video

of when my mum brought my baby brother home for the first time as well and I'm trying to get attention so I'd drawn a building

and I'd made it on fire so I've got like red and orange pen put it on the fire I was like look mum this building's on fire trying to get attention

because she's got a newborn baby it's on fire and she goes I don't like that like that's really bad and then I got a blue one. I went, no, look,

the rain is putting it out. Sounds like a threat. And then he wrote, 9-11. And she was like, what's that? It hasn't happened yet. You'll see.

You'll all see. Imagine. Oh, Alan Cochran, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you. Where can we find you on VHS? Yep, I'm on the Insta, and that's it.

As what? I think Alan Cochran. A-L-U-N. Oh, nice. C-O-C-H-R-A-N-E. We'll drop it in. It's the Welsh spelling. We know what we're doing, don't we?

Thanks for coming in, mate. I've got a website and all that stuff. got any uh gigs that you want to plug doing a little tour later in the year nice october october november on alan's website you're doing edinburgh no no good good shite don't go to edinburgh but if you do see some of our fun apart from all our pals that are up there. What would you like to plug, Dan? Yeah, just danspreviews.com

for the last ones, Sandbatch and Skipton, as I've already mentioned. Tour tickets, if you are thinking about buying tickets and you're like, I'll just leave it

until closest to the time, they're selling out. Adam was right. They are going to sell out. So, dannightingale.com for the last of the tour tickets. And the last of the tickets

for our show the Hathaway Live show at the Arena in Liverpool we released the final thousand a couple of weeks ago they are slowly moving and it is heading towards being completely sold out

it's going to be amazing Friday the 9th of December ticketquarter.co.uk gigsandtours.com there will be a Kawasaki on stage please go and get those tickets we really appreciate the support at whistle for it pod as well

yeah oh me and Carlos are on a sports podcast at whistle for it pod on Instagram and Twitter now we always close our audio version of the podcast with a bit of music you can't have it on YouTube because we get copyright struck but Finn who's this week's recording artist and what is their song this week comes from the Blue Dol what is their song This week Comes from

The Blue Dolphin Wranglers It's an absolute jam It's very Summery It's a nice tune It's what A lad I know But send them in

Finlay at Haveawordnetwork.com If you're a musician Or you've got mates That want their music Featured at the end of the pod But this tune Is called Wild

Wonderful Alan thanks very much For coming in Thank you Really great Cheers It's been very fun See ya I've never had a Kawasaki called Wild. Wonderful. Alan, thanks very much for coming in. Thank you. Really great. Cheers, Lyt. It's been very fun. See you.

I've never had a Kawasaki. Of course. Thank you. Taking my time, wondering how I even got here. Nobody knows, taking in my stride like the river, river flows. Taking my time, wondering how I even got here. Now I even got here Nobody knows The kid in my stride Like the river, river flows

Running wild Through space and time How we breathe is still a dream Can you be my heart in place? Running wild through space and time How we breathe is still a dream Thank you. The ways that you like Are changing your heart Nobody knows Taking my stride Like the river

Taking my time Wondering how I even got there Nobody knows. I'm getting my stride like a river with a load. Running and walking through space and time. How we breathe is still a dream. Thank you. How do you breathe? Thank you. Can you believe my heart will beat? Getting my stride like a running wall Running wall through space and time

How will you breathe? The story of faith Can you believe my heart will beat? Getting my stride like a running wall