Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #183 with Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 31, 2022

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me Hey! Hey. It's the Haverwood podcast over here! This has changed so much since I was last on.

Take the mic with you, Dan. Hey, have this. Walk into it. Brendan Rees is here, guest co-host, because Dan is currently dead refuting some allegations

in court and you know we wish him the best with it and if he clears his name he's welcome back allegedly allegedly what she did say

she had two legs he didn't know swings can get he's allegedly dealing with allegations yeah of someone with no legs I don't know that's allegedly dealing with allegations Yeah Of someone with no legs I don't know

That's allegedly I don't know how many allegations That's actually Look we should Allegedly I might cut it out We've already said too much And he's said far too much

Allegedly Allegedly It's been lovely co-hosting See you in a bit How are you mate? Yeah I'm good I'm good It's nice though

Coming back Go on Go on I saw your eye Yeah Steady on how are you mate yeah I'm good I'm good it's nice now coming back go on go on I saw your eye yeah steady on what you like it

it's good yeah no I'm not having a I'm just you know I think it is where for all your listeners I'm talking about

Brennan's attire he's got a jacket on that's you know I'm not saying I don't like it I'm not saying it doesn't suit you. I'm just saying, you know, it's worth, it's definitely worth pointing out. I say, this has happened,

I've seen you quite a lot recently. This has happened three times in the past two months where I've turned up and you've gone, that's jazzy. Just say what you think, Adam. You look like a dog bed from being him. That's exactly what I'm going for

yeah so for anyone who is an audio listener Brennan is wearing a leopard print feel of material as well ooh

that fuzzy felt that yeah nice is it reversible it looks reversible do you know I don't think it is

but I could brave it out you could do whatever you want I could do whatever I want that's why I'm wearing this. And I like the rolled up.

I think, yeah. Yeah. Confidence is key, mate. Do you know what? I've been a big supporter in your recent, because you're now rich. So you've been buying loads of clothes. And I've been a supporter in your-

Whereas before I was wandering around naked before the podcast kicked off. You were just in like Lonsdale stuff quite a lot. Was I? Yeah, Velcro Lonsdale shoes. That is a worse allegation than the woman with no legs. I was allegedly in Lonsdale. You were slashing your nuts.

And then you've sort of got into like the two pieces now. And I've been like, do you know what? I got laughed at for my, when I got a co-ord for the Maldives, they were like, hey, lol. And now he wears them all the time. When did I do that? No. Someone find the clip. No. Before I the Maldives, they were like, and now he wears them all the time. When did I do that? No.

Someone find the clip. No. Before I won an Aldi, they were going, where are we at? I always do that with you. I love a two-piece now. I'm going to Dubai next week.

Without you. You're going to Dubai. Dubai. I just go to Dubai a few times a year, mate. That's me. I'm happy, me. As long as I get Dubai, two, three, four, five, six times a year.

Honestly, that's me. That's me done. You know what I mean? Same place every time. I stay in the same hotel every time, mate. Don't even leave the hotel, mate. Buffet's on fire. You've got the weather.

Sat by the pool. The locals, lad. The locals, I'm telling you right now, I don't care what they believe. They're nice. I'll tell you what they don't like over there though our two-piece i reckon i'm gonna be running dubai in about 48 hours they're gonna be like if you're about fucking two-piece rowey what you're changing in dubai i think it's pretty good what

they've got going on there no hands no gaze love it dubai i spoke about this in uh the setter that the cultural appropriation document that you hosted. Do you buy the original cultural appropriators? Not the original, but like probably the biggest version of it. Because cultural appropriation is about altering

what you do, stealing from another culture to make a profit off that culture. And that's what they've done, isn't it? Because white people have turned up over there

and gone, we want roastin' and bevvies. And they've gone, okay, mate, not a problem, my friend. You come into the hotel, you can have turkey bacon or you can go behind the curtain and have real bacon i nearly got wanked off in a in a dubai um massage place nearly yeah yeah well i had to say no she

missed what she missed no it was a heat it was a heat oh shit no because you can't have um mixed sex massages over there. Yeah. So you have to start fucking. So like princes and that all go there to get a little rub down and then a little rub down. I got what? They hate, oh, sorry. They dislike homosexual people, but they only have same sex.

Self-adding on you there. They only have same sex. Yeah, but it's not gay is it? It's just a massage. If the one can get off at the end of this. Yeah, but I don't think that's advertised. Should be. Honestly, so I went in and the guy,

he kept whispering Koh Samui at me because I said I've been Koh Samui, he was from Thailand. So he was just like doing that and kept going Koh Samui. I don't know. And then he flipped me over and then he was like trying to grab it and I was like, no, no, I'm fine. And then I told me mate and she went to the desk and complained, she was like, this guy's tried to wank off my friend.

I'm not joking. To the desk. Yeah, yeah, at the front desk going like, and they were like, who was it? And then they brought them all out, like five of them. What, like a line-up? Like a police line-up. Yeah.

It's like literally like take me out. And then they go, who was it? And I couldn't tell you. Cause they all lost. No, cause I had my face in a hole in a bed. So I just had to pick one. He's dead now. You got someone killed?

And he might not have even done it. They said, we're going to have to fire him and send them home. Cause obviously the whole place would get shut down. So I just had to go like number four and he went, mate. So it wasn't him then? And number two went, yes.

You cannot change your mind. I got a massage in Crete and he tried to bum me. He physically tried to bum you? He got on the bed and spread me cheeks, got his cock out. He was trying to force his cock in my ass. What did you say? What? I said, I've got a bird.

And he was like, I've got a bird. I'll take it out. Did you tell the desk? What? No. I didn't want to hurt his career. Do you know what I mean? Why would he try to bum you?

Yeah, but once I asked him to stop, he did. And I felt like that was quite polite of him. But how far did he get? What? Like, did he get- His bellend brushed me cheeks. Just like- Yeah.

That set me ass on fire. Every time I go for a massage though I always do think that they want to Every time? So sometimes you go to like a Thai one And you go right at the end of this they might But sometimes when you go to like a spa Yeah

And I think they want to shag me you know And I know they don't I'm just paying them 70 quid I think this is the one I got one in Newcastle. I got one in Newcastle and she went, you must get many compliments. Where was she from?

Newcastle. You must get many, many compliments. And one in Liverpool went, oh my God, this is true as well. This is true. Have you been in the gym today your legs are solid yeah i was like she wanted to fuck her yeah just said to me i'd love to fuck you and i was like she's into me i'm just getting this vibe that she might want to i think it's quite a male thing and this is

definitely part of like the problem with men is that any rudimentary kindness from any woman makes me go she she wants to fuck oh i've been in like a clove shop yeah and they're like can i get that in a different size and i go she wants do you remember every compliment that's ever been told to you it's such a man thing now you get them quite a lot yeah do you get them a lot i guess it's because i'm a friendly man yeah no no No, I mean like a flirty one. I don't mean like, oh, I was good parking. Oh, no, no. When someone just clashes the line.

Why not when you're not mean? Good parking, well then. Nice parking, that. It can be like if a woman opens the door for me, I'm like, steady on, girl. You know, got a bed. Imagine you said that every time. Got a bed, sorry.

Let that door go. No, no, no. Someone ripping, got a bird. Imagine you said that every time. Got a bird, sorry. Let that dog go. No, no, no. Someone ripping a ticket on their way into Hamilton. Mate, got a bird. Yeah, I think that's quite a male thing, isn't it? And like with the massage thing, I think they must have to deal with some absolute slobs of men.

And I'm not in my finest ever shape, but I think this is a treat for both of us. I honestly think that, you know. I know exactly what you mean. I think you've probably touched some fucking horrible men and I'm all right. So like, you've smashed it here. Yeah, comparatively.

Yeah, you've got me and I. Like proper, you know, they've got like spots on their ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like kneading bread. They're just like, ugh. And I just think, what a nice treat I am. Imagine walking into a massage parlour, right? You and Freddie Quinn.

I imagine like what the women, they must like toss a coin. They definitely do. They must toss a coin. They're doing fucking rock, paper, scissors. Come on, rock, paper, scissors. It's not a thing. Like, fuck!

Winner gets Freddie. Because also it's like, fuck it, rock, paper, scissors. It's not a thing. Fuck! Winner gets Freddie. Because also it's like, do you know some days you have a day of like, like on a weekend we might have one gig, you think great. And then sometimes you go to London and have three. Looking at Freddie, you're like, that's a shift that, isn't it? Freddie's into it, by the way.

That's why I said it. I thought he was here, just like, I thought that was here with his top off I know he will listen to this episode There are people who think the guest sits there In silence as we do the podcast Yeah do you know when we get someone on Who's got like a fan base

So like we get like new listeners For the first time like we had like Sean Walsh For the first time or like Shane Gillis We get comments going Why did they not speak to Shane for the first two hours of the podcast? Just sat there trying to, no, no, no, no, no. I know you're a global superstar, but we've got shit to say in a Nigerian accent.

I've never done a Nigerian accent on this podcast. I don't know why you would ever, ever insinuate that. I think today's the day. Do you reckon? Okay, give it a go. How we. Nah, wasn't good. I'm from Nigeria. Nigeria's brilliant, mate.

What's the best thing about Nigeria? The people. And all the sand. I don't think Nigeria's got sand. I'm almost certain they are. I feel like it's a landlocked African country. Yeah. Not much sand in them.

I'm going to search that, maybe I'm wrong. It's not known for its beaches. What? Oh, there are beaches, sorry, I apologize. Don't fucking chat to me about Nigeria, mate. I know so much about Nigeria, you wouldn't even believe. What's the capital? What?

Nairobi. No. It is. Rwanda? No, it's Lagos, isn't it? No, it's Nairobi. Okay. No, sorry.

No, it is, it's Lagos. I get that mixed up sometimes. What, Nairobi and Lagos? Nairobi. Okay. No, sorry. No, it is. It's Lagos. I get that mixed up sometimes. What, Nairobi and Lagos? Nairobi's Kenya. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Get me out of here.

Is it not Lagos? What? Abuja, is it? No, that's Nigerian for Lagos. Don't Google it. Abuja, it is Abuja. Do you know what that is? That's FIFA Street there.

It was on FIFA Street and I thought it'd be a capital because it was on FIFA Street. Sorry. Here we go. Learn something new every day. It's an educational podcast as well as humour.

You know, we do teach. I've listened to this podcast a lot and I've not learned anything. I don't think you've paid enough attention. The only thing I've learned is that it's going good. And the past 10 years of my career has been a waste of time you just needed to wait for that you need to buy a road podcaster thing a mic because it's got like i don't know how often you talk about like because obviously the podcast is the podcast you just talk but i don't think

do you ever talk about how well it's going every now and then we'll hint when we had kane brown in he was sort of eulogising about it and saying like, it's a bit ridiculous. And like, obviously we're very aware of how well it's going, but there's also a perception from other people. Like I was out the other, me and Carl had our quiz on Monday.

I was out, Alfie Brown joined us for the drink after the quiz. And we were talking to someone else and Alfie said, oh, have a word's the most important thing to happen to British comedy in the past five or 10 years. Yeah, I'd say.

And that and stand up for the weak. Nope. They were two big hitters. And I was like, that's not a sentence that he would say lightly. He chooses his words very carefully, Alfie. Yeah, yeah. And as much as I'm in my head, you all know what I'm like. I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

Let's keep going and smash it and change and whatever. For someone like him to say that, you go, oh, this is actually, because he will have spoken about that with hundreds of other comics. Yeah, well, now you're like, because when we first started, you were like you, but with none of this. So everyone was like, fuck it up. because when we first started, like you were like you, but with none of this. So everyone was like, fuck it up. Now, like you were basically a rich man in a poor man's body.

And now you're a rich man in a rich man's body. And it's so mad that your mates are like, you know, none of us like going, oh, Lenders 20p, but you guys are like well rich. We're not well rich. You are well rich. We're not well,. You are well rich. We're not well.

It's going well, but we're not rich. I also, I'm frivolous. I saw you burn a fiver in front of a homeless man the other day. But he gave him 20. Yeah, he gave him 20. Yeah. And then he said, make sure you sign up for two months. That's two months Patreon. What do you see as rich?

Because rich is such a fucking broad scale. The fact that you can just like go, like not have to like check your bank account before you buy 400 pantries. You should check your bank account every now and then just in case that's how rich can be you basically got a staff member who sucks you off a bit that's what you did you got someone on the payroll rich has been able to buy something without checking the price tag yeah that's what i mean it's rich no but we can't go and buy a yacht, can we? I don't know.

You're telling me can, and he'll be buying a yacht next. He'll be on eBay tomorrow. No, that's not the barometer of rich. It's not can you buy anything, including a yacht. No, anything that is within your possibility of owning and not going, how much is it? Do you know what I mean?

I don't care. We can't afford a private jet. We're not going to ask the price of it that doesn't make that's not the barometer of being rich is it because you could win the lottery which is millions of pounds and you can't buy a private jet no but within within the millions of pounds that you can afford without asking the price of something no you're not telling me that roman abramovich is not going and how much is that no is that vAT included? He's not just going, I'll have it. Do you remember when Michael Jackson was walking around

Harrods with Martin Bashir and he was like, I'll have that, I'll have that, I'll have him. I'll have the- At no point did he check the price. It was a very subtle point. Yeah, but he's not great for checking numbers, is he? If we think about it. Allegedly.

No, he was definitely a pedophile. Who? Michael Jackson. He was never cleared. Allegedly. No, he was definitely a paedophile. Who? Michael Jackson. He was actually cleared. Not Martin Bashir. Maybe. He's a disgraced journalist, which is the same. Why is he disgraced?

After that. After what? After the Michael Jackson thing. After being a grass for Michael Jackson? Because Michael Jackson was like, I didn't okay any of this footage, and he's edited it to make me look worse and apparently it was a really big scandal.

Martin Bashir is now nowhere. Imagine kicking off about Martin Bashir when you know that you're rimming children. Imagine. Allegedly. Allegedly. It's mad, isn't it? I used to have a routine about Michael Jackson

and then I put it online because I wanted to just get rid of it. And his fans are absolutely batshit. Like, they're so, like, they will come at you and be like, he didn't do it. Here's all the evidence I've got, which is essentially his very, very well-chosen YouTube videos. And, like, well, you know, A, ask Macaulay Culkin. Wouldn't he have fucked Macaulay didn't shag him the absence of evidence is not evidence just because he didn't shag him yeah he didn't shag him well there wasn't a sequin up one of their arses with his glittery glove yeah didn't do it did it i reckon we had him on the ferris wheel and every time they'd just come down, he'd just kiss the bell end. Also, have you seen Macaulay Culkin now?

Because he looks like Michael Jackson fucked him and he hasn't got over it. He does have a look on his face. Like he's holding a secret. Yeah, he looks like he was bummed within an inch of his life and he's just constantly thinking about it. He's in American Horror Story,

the latest season, and he looks awful. Yeah. He's in American Horror Story, the latest season, and he looks awful. Yeah. He's got a proper puffy face. I don't think you can say that anymore. Well, I meant like, you know, puffy. As in gay. Yeah, he has a very gay face.

Got a bit of a gay face here, hasn't he? Is that the scary bit of the series? Would be for Carl. Carl is massively homophobic. I'm not, for God's fucking sake. You walk around Gay Town spitting at the bars. What bars? We used to go to Gay Town every week.

Yeah, so you could spit at the bars. And to keep it away from me for years. To get out of hand. Which is not true but with michael jackson fans i did a tweet i don't tweet because i don't really like it but i did a tweet ages ago it wasn't even a good tweet it was something about um have you ever noticed that the the darker michael jackson's crimes got the lighter his skin became yeah and then some michael jackson fans tried to get my tour cancelled they were ringing the stand get him off they're like no he's just done a shit joke why would you why would you offend someone that vehemently

without actually knowing the facts because they don't know because they're fans of his work and they can't blit they can't get their eye their head beyond i like his songs and therefore he can't possibly have done like they they watch you gotta remember when people when there's a big issue like that and people are on a certain side of it they end up in an echo chamber where they only watch stuff that will prove his innocence they won't watch the stuff that makes them look dodgy i don't think you can get that stuff on online i don't think you can watch any of them videos if i didn't if i didn't have sex with a child i wouldn't pay the family millions of pounds i just go i didn't do it would you knock though no so here's the thing

like first of all when i put my joke out someone said uh this is just racism you're only saying it because he's black it's a black man and i said actually he didn't fuck any kids until he was white but um would you not so let right you get this gets really big massive we're genuinely rich brennan is like wow let's look at that yacht right just in the studio like why is there how much did it cost i don't know didn't have to check because i'm rich um so you got full of kids there's a kid and his family who accuse you you yeah of nonsense like oh my god he gave me some fucking mad drink he called it fucking moses water and then he fingered me right just a mouth i'm laced with rohypno right right and then you're going to

court right and it's like your lawyer comes to you and goes mate this is tough you know like you're gonna like based on what they're saying and the amount of witnesses they're gonna call because there's other people saying you've done this now as well and maybe they're jumping on the hype train but you're looking at going down, right? Or if you give them two mil, they'll go away. What? That's an admission of guilt to me. Is it? Yeah. But people are going to think you're guilty anyway.

Either way. So why not fight it and go down fighting rather than go, oh, here's money, go away. Because if you go down fighting, you're going to end up in prison and paedophiles in prison get battered and bummed. Why did you go, no, I didn't do it though. Yeah, but that's what everyone's catchphrase is in prison.

No, but I'm saying, do you not think paying someone off is an admission of guilt? Yeah, but then you're free. You're not getting bummed in your house or your yacht, are you? No, but I'd rather, I'd just get Johnny Cochran and he'd box me off. He'd box Michael off. He's dead now, isn't he?

Michael Jackson? Yeah. No, I'm not. No, I don't think I could. Like, I'm not gonna say his name, but it's a footballer who paid the lady off. And to me, that's an admission of guilt as well. Yeah, but if it's like a bit of change.

Christiana Ralfo. Allegedly. No, he did pay it off. Did he? My sister once, she won't look like me saying this, but she was working out in Japan and United did like the pre-season tour. This is years and years ago. And she ended up in a hotel room

with about 19 of them. And they were all just like banging away. It's a fucking big hotel room though. Yeah, yeah. Like a suite. Hang on. Just, can we just park the car here for a second? You're telling me that your sister

had a 19 man gang bang with the Man Utd squad. What year was this? I don't know what college. Not now, like this is like, you know, when they were good. Give me a year. That's the problem we all had with this story. Was it like Jemma Jemma there? She wasn't getting fucked by fucking Anthony Martial.

She had Roy Keane in it, asshole. Yeah, you don't want to see fucking Phil Jones doing these. What year are we talking? I want another caliber of players. I'm going to say, I will, she would see fucking Phil Jones doing these. What year are we talking? I want another calibre of players. I'm going to say she would have been like mid-20s, so maybe like 15 years ago. She was also getting on with, at the same time,

a member of Maroon 5. Right. He might have been there. Carlos Tevez was there. Oli Gunnar Solskjaer. Ronaldo was there. Shock. It's weird.

My sister's rich now, and I don't know why. Who's the worst? There's 19 of them. G them gigs he was there more than an entire match day squad it might it might have been like uh physios and training staff as well oh my god the kit man right so nanny um did she tell you which one she's fucked no she didn't i didn't get the team sheet out and go right who was it uh dong dong was there who fang is how dong dong what was that daniel beck's real name daniel nitaki mensa well back mad yeah there's some characters there she's got some good one phil bardsley no it's well too far to go i was here yeah he was there he's angry him gary neville was there oh my god my sister's been done by some class and michael sylvester's shagged your miss your sister i don't think i don't think she did all like i think there was

other women all right i don't think my sister got annabelle chong beyond belief tithe chong that's one of the madder stories for you to drop so nonchalantly. I mean, it's not really my story, is it? Hang on, so it was sex, or I thought she was just in the room? Well, she didn't say she was just there. She didn't go, oh, and by the way,

I noshed everyone off. Right. But she wasn't just there having a brew, was she? No, she absolutely wasn't. No. Yeah? No. I heard a brew, was she? No, she absolutely wasn't. No. Yeah? No. She was like,

I heard actually that she came on, like, because they were just bringing them on one at a time, she ripped off some grass and then did a hop and then did that as she came in. Got subbed. She walked down the tunnel. And then at the end, she just slid on her knees and she did the whole spook act.

How is this your, what, fifth time in the studio? on her knees and she did the whole Bukkake thing. How is this your what fifth time in the studio and you've only just brought up the 19 man

Bukkake gangbang with a Man United squad of my family? How's this never come up before? It's a thing that I've suppressed. It's just popped up

because we were talking about it. If my sister had had a 19 man Man United squad gangbang I would we were talking about it. If my sister had had a 19-man Man United squad gangbang, I would be telling everybody about it. Would you? Yeah!

But then what happens when your sister gets injured? My sister lives in Spain, so she's never going to see this. I mean, it's the internet, so she will. But if your sister came in now, we'd all be like... She's Chinese. Yeah, she's... I have got a Chinese sister. You would Chinese. Yeah, she's. Yeah. I have got a Chinese sister.

You would not. I have. What? I've got a half Chinese sister. I've quarter Chinese sister I've never met. Why has it just gone down from half to quarter? How'd you get quarter? One of her grandparents. So her mum's half Chinese.

Right. And my dad's white. So Adam's dad had sex with a half Chinese woman. No. Half Chinese. Half Chinese woman Yeah I can't say that Half Chinese

No Half chips half rice Right Okay I'll say it Yeah Because you can't get fired but I can Right

So your dad Yeah Banged a Chinese woman A half chinese woman half half chinese woman allegedly and um where was this and i'm to be honest with you when i say chinese i mean east asian i don't know exactly what country but i yeah yeah taiwan possibly but china's the biggest one so there's you know gone averages yeah i'm literally i'm the odds. And also when we're watching this in three years, she could be from anywhere and we'll just say China cause they'll take over.

Yeah, she's not Chinese yet. I love how you basically put a bit down, like put a 20p on a pool table just in case it takes over. And you're like, I'm a bit Chinese so you can, I mean, I reckon I might get away with it. Yeah, so before my mum and dad met, and not long before they met, I mean I reckon I might get away with it Yeah so Before my mum and dad met And not long before they met

My dad was dating This is the story as I believe it to be true I have told this on a Patreon episode before Was dating a half Chinese woman And then she What was the other half by the way? I assume white Let's just for the sake of this, say Iranian.

Okay, yeah. So she's half Chinese, half Iranian. Chai-ranian. Chai-ranian, yeah. Chai-ranian. Iranese. Iranese. Yeah.

Irene. Jamaican. Yeah. If you're half Iranian, half Chinese, you're automatically Jamaican. It's a family're half Iranian, half Chinese, you're automatically Jamaican. It's a primary color. It's secondary color. And she left me dad a letter

on the day she moved away from the area. English or Chinese? Yeah. He had to take it. It was just written on a grain of sand. Google Translate didn't exist back then. So he had to find an Iranian and a Chinese person because it was written,

one sentence was Iranian the next sentence was Chinese so we needed two people to translate it and it essentially said I'm having a baby it is yours but my family are religious and they don't like you so um I don't want to I I needed to let you know but please please just let me go and deal with this on my own and I don't really want anything from you. And he, I believe, respected those wishes. You haven't. What do you mean? Well, they're finding out now, aren't they?

Well, this is the thing, because I wanted to go and look for her. Do you know what I mean? I've got a sibling. And my dad was like, I feel really uncomfortable with that and whatever. Like, not that I'm wishing on this in any way, shape or form. When my dad passes away, be that in 10 20 whatever years i will then go and look and find well i'll warn you against this

because my dad found out he got a long lost sister yeah so she'd been living in st allen's my granada yeah my granada had an affair with a black man yeah and then what happened is she moved over to your granddad had an affair with a black man. No, my grandma. Your grandma, sorry. I misheard that, genuinely. I think I might've said granddad. My granddad had an affair with a black man. And then he got pregnant.

And he got pregnant. He can do that. He can do that. It was the 50s. It was a different time then. So she moved over, my dad's sister, they had a funeral for her. Yeah.

What? Fake funeral. So my dad was seven found out right grandma's having a baby they said the baby had died there's a grave what i've been to it right so she gets put up for adoption because she's not english yeah and in the 50s you weren't allowed to be anything but english so she she got sent over to New Zealand, then tried to look for my dad on Friends Reunited, but couldn't really find him.

And then about five or six years ago, went on Facebook, found me dad, dad and sister. And I was out in Australia. So I went to go meet Auntie Pam. Great, that bit. Met my two cousins. One of them, rotten, minging, boring. The other one's fit. Oh oh my god like you wouldn't believe

jenny oh my she's unreal and i would affect cousin fit not even i'm not talking is the first cousin yeah oh shit i don't care it's different it's like no it's same blood. Yeah, well, I would, you know. Would you really? Yes. You'd fuck your face. Mate, she's so fit. She's so, like, I know it's weird, but there's got to be a level. There's got to be a level.

Like, you've got. Right, go on. Right, who's your, like, dream celeb? Ooh. Margot Robbie, let's say so margot robbie right but after a brief acid attack so she's not fully margot robbie she's still fit a brief acid attack just a little it was bad but it was like a little one pound uh squirty going right yeah and so you find out that your chinese cousin for some reason looks like margot robbie I think it's the Iranian side Yeah

That makes it look like that You're telling me Little family reunion All having a drink All having a nice time And then you feel A little leg under the table She goes

It's my car Adam Rowe Yeah You mean now? I'm telling you right now Brennan I can look you in the eye Refrain I'm telling you right now Brennan I can look you in the eye refrain I can look you in the face

area and tell you right now there is no circumstance there is no way I would ever and I feel really comfortable saying this fuck my first cousin I think you're mad for that I think you are in for that I think you

Are inbred I'm not I'm not well I think you want your kids to be then I don't want kids with them Right I just want a cheeky like Just a kiss

On the witch On the witch A kiss on the witch Yeah Hey girl Here's a kiss on the witch Give her a kiss on the witch Right

Come on Carl I'm not chugging me cousins, Brennan. No, they're not the ones you've got now. Not their muggly fuckers. Like a fit new one. Do I know it's me cousin? Like a Catherine Moore cousin comes in for a bit.

Do I know it's me cousin? Yes. No, then why? Like, okay, let's just extrapolate this, right? I don't know what that means, but it sounds... Let's just unpack it. Okay. Because I want to see to what line I can push this.

Okay. Let's say the girl you met, who you want to fuck, who is your cousin, right? Jenny. Jenny, right? Hi, Jenny. You all right, love? Call me.

Call someone. I'm not your cousin. Apparently, you're a fuckable cousin level fit. That's levels. Unbelievable. If that was your long lost sister, would you fuck her? No, because that's too close, isn't it? Why?

Why is that any different? Because it's cousin and sister. It is literally closer. It is closer. It is closer. So is that too close? I mean, there'd be a level, wouldn't there? Yeah.

Like you're saying there's a level to which she could be fit. You could find a long lost sister and be like. So if by chance Natalie Portman happened to be my sister. Yeah. And she pops over and she's like, Natalie Portman. She's attractive.

She is. She's so attractive. I don't know where that name came from. My 13 year old brain. My brother used to have a poster of Natalie Portman. One of Natalie Portman and one of Sandra Bullock. Do you know when you used to go to like a poster shop? You'd go through the TK Maxx.

Sandra Bullock? It's Iron Man now. If you go to HMV, it's all just posters of Iron Man. No, it was like Sandra Bullock. There was one of Anna Kournikova showing her ass a bit. There was one that said like, beer making people fuckable since 1952 so I went

and female body inspector on them so if I like I used to have those posters and me and my brother shared a room

and I would just stand in front of it like it was an analogue porn hub and just come on the posters that's where Natalie Portman I had a Jennifer Ellison

calendar now you could just pop to a studio around the corner yeah you could just sign a kid up for six quid and have a go come on it wow did you come on it that's how i used to stick the dates so i'll be like oh it's the 31st there you go and then you could just blame it on a Tippex mouse. Brennan, do you know if you were the lady for 10 years and you were like, you know, married, kids, whatever, and then you found out it was your sister? Well, no, I'm married, aren't I? What do you mean?

Oh, so I'm married. That's who you're married to, my sister? Yeah. Yes. Come on. Are you stopping her? No. I think at that stage, she's not your sister.

She is now your wife. You've developed that relationship. That would be awful. Wife first, mother, then sister. And you've not noticed your kids have got like six heads. But this is genuinely something I've thought of before because I don't know who my sister is, right? Same, me too.

I also have a sister. Yeah. And a brother. I haven't shagged him yet. Do you know who they are? No. Shag your brother here's the thing

here's what I'm worried about right because like throughout my singledom I've had you know a handful of one night stands I might have fucked my sister have you shagged any quarter

Asian ladies? well I think a quarter is like that's the point where it becomes almost unnoticeable do you know what I mean? yeah that's just good bone it becomes almost unnoticeable. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's just good bone structure.

Yeah. Like, they would look, like, mostly white, wouldn't they? Or Iranian. Like, I don't know, do I? It's possible. It is possible. And that, I wouldn't be happy if that's happened. You wouldn't be happy?

No. But it's happened. Yeah, I know. But I wouldn't be happy. If you pissed on, like, my roast dinner, I wouldn't be happy no but it's happened yeah i know but i wouldn't be happy if you pissed on like my roast dinner i wouldn't be happy it would have happened yeah but if you thought it was gravy and you enjoyed i'm wrong with you but you enjoyed the roast dinner as well because you enjoyed the sex yeah unless what if i found out it was like one of the ones when i was like oh she was

shite that was horrible and i'm like yeah oh, she was shite, that was horrible. And I'm like, yeah, makes sense. She's my sister. Yeah, half sister. Yeah. I wanna go looking for her though. But you want your sister to be good at sex? What? Like if you're gonna shag your sister,

you want it to be good. Yeah, but I'm not going to shag my sister. No, but if you did, you won't want it to be a bad one. Correct. Without me knowing. No, even if you do know now. Like if you're gonna shag a family member, you better make it worth it.

If you're going to shag a nan or a mum, let's keep it up there. So like nan's mum's sisters, you want it to be the best blow job you've ever had. Oh my God. You do. You don't want it to be the worst one. You go, well, that was a fucking waste of time.

It doesn't matter. I'm dead. I just killed myself. If your nan sucked you off. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want it to be the worst one. You go, well, that was a fucking waste of time. It doesn't matter, I'm dead. I just killed myself. If your nan sucked you off. Yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't go, that was great, I'll move on. It's just nice to have that on the table as a possibility.

Family do, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm always thinking when I'm going on my way to a Christmas, and I'm like, opening my cousins' game today. I just think- I don't know, I think-

I think if you don't know. Yeah, but you do know when you still want to fuck her. Oh yeah, that is true. Right. That's weird. It's weird, Brendan. If you don't know.

No, no, you've said it out loud. That is, because I've never told anyone this. Now you're telling 1.2 million people. Jenny, and if you are out there, Emily, not you. That wouldn't be worth it. What's wrong with Emily?

Boring. Boring. Boring. I bumped into her in New York. Does that mean ugly? Oh God, I can't say this. You've said it now. Yeah, she can say whatever you can't say.

He bumped into her in New York? Yeah, go on. Bumped into her in New York. Emily. Yeah, the ugly mom. She's like, hey, I live in New York. 15 minutes later, I had to just make some up to leave. Because I didn't have

nothing it's just like if that was jenny we'd still be there now get a hotel room a suite we'll go and see a show take her for some dinner i think you don't love what your cousin i know i'm in love so when you said before i'll warn you against that when i said i wanted to find me sister is that because the warning is what if she's got a fit daughter? What if she's unreal? Because once you feel that feeling, you just can't deny it. And I don't want that for you because-

You should deny it. I can't. You should learn to deny it. Honest, if you saw her- Yeah. We got a picture? Yeah. I slid it in.

Oh my God. There we go. No nudes though yes i'm working on it this girl needs to be phenomenal by the way that's the thing now if i show you yeah and you go oh just show me we won't we won't slide the picture in no of course imagine she'd block me now don't put this picture in don't put our picture in anyway No, of course we won't start the bit. Imagine she'd block me now. Don't put this picture in. Don't put our picture in anyway.

Didn't put a picture of Chris. Oh my God. There's no level of fit my cousin could be where I'd have these feelings, to be honest with you. I'm proud of you for opening up, though. Do you know what? There's too much kink shaming in the world. And if you're kink... Isn't that illegal?

It's not kink, it's love. No, it's not illegal to fuck your cousin. Especially if they live over in Australia. I just don't think there's a good enough picture. No, if she's this incredible, any picture looks good. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, there shouldn't be an angle from which she could have took a photo. She's fuckable, cause of the fit, Brennan. That's like an 11. I think I might have... Changed your things? I think you might have what? Just overestimated.

I've not seen her in a few years. Oh, you can marry her. Here in Britain, it's actually perfectly legal for first cousins to marry. Prince Philip and the Queen are even third cousins. Sure.

Charles Darwin was also married to his first cousin, Emma Wedgwood. He was born the same day as me as well. They were third cousins. Prince Philip's dead. Charles... Thank you, Carl. That doesn't mean cousins getting married haven't come under fire. same day as me as well they wear their cousins prince philip's dead charles thank you carl that doesn't mean cousins getting married haven't come under fire yeah

brennan yeah mate have you found any picture could you just like go on an instagram and just show me any one picture i don't think i follow her on instagram well you should do you fancy her you should be watching her stories like as soon as she posts them and being like hey look i'm there you know her little face comes up at the bottom yeah yeah does that love heart yeah just show the intent replying with like 100 underscore underscore fire fire fire oh my god little heart love eyes liking her post within the first five like when she puts post up you have to sort of not be the first one to like it once it's got like 12 you'd be the 13th that'd be good that sounds fucking exhausting what being single sounds

exhausting you gotta play the game especially if you're in love with your cousin she's got a boyfriend as well and he's a dickhead is he when i met him i was like what's his name what's her name sonny i'll bleep it out no because then because then this will end up can you just show me whatever's on your phone right now oh Oh, this is not a good picture though. Please show me. Dead quick, like just. Show me the picture. She's all right there. Well, she's fit.

No, I know that. Oh, she's so fit, isn't she? No one know that. That's like a few years ago, innit? When you met her. See you in the flesh. When you met her a few years ago, you mean? Just like, hug, smell.

Right, I'm telling you right now, you are in love with this woman and i'll tell you why i know because she and i apologize fuck knows what emily looks like by the way she's like she's not unattractive she's just not fuck your cousin level fit. Here's a sentence I didn't expect to be saying today. Things said at work. She's not unattractive. She's just not fuck your cousin level fit.

Do you know what, mate? Do you know what? Proud to use the wrong word because it's really embarrassing what you've just done for yourself and your family. Also proud I've not achieved what I want to yet. Shaggy cousin. Do you think she would if she was single? Yeah.

Not blue tick. Blue tick dick. That's what people call it, you know. Blue tick dick. Do you know when girls realise that you've got blue tick and it's like the opposite of the ick, they go, he's got blue tick dick. He's giving me the tick. He's got blue tick and that's it's like the opposite of the ick they go oh he's got blue tick he's giving me the tick things that you love about someone can you imagine ever using like

there's a lad that we know who got arrested for attempted murder uh this has taken a sharp turn through a central reservation and this is not you met him last week as well yeah yeah this is not someone we went to school with either by the way this is another attempted murder we know um and he got arrested because he was uh like he was believed to have been in a car when it hit someone um and he said why would i run someone over i've got,000 followers on Instagram as he was being arrested. That would give me the ick. That's full. If I was a police officer,

I'd call me gunner and blow his head off. Yeah. You'd arrest him just for that. So, and when he told us, we were like, what are you doing? Yeah. I mean, it's so funny. That's minging.

Yeah. And also attempted murder. You're not even succeeded. You're a failure, mate. And he was the passenger. I've never understood why people get less time in prison for attempted murder. Should get failure, mate. And he was the passenger. I've never understood why people get less time in prison for attempted murder.

You should get more. Yeah. Because you failed. Yeah. Because you're going to do it again. Now you've got the taste for it. Yeah, absolutely. 100% with you on that.

I'd like to have an advert break because I'm going to go away and contemplate how fit my cousins would have to be for me to... I'm telling you right now, the girl on your phone would not cut the mustard. Sorry,ny and i'm emily i'm really sorry for whatever your face looks like love um life must be really difficult boring and levels below what i've just been shown

when's dan back uh monday and i'm in dubai just go a few times a year do you know what i mean like it's one of me it's one of me regular i just you know i'll go there for a week and then i come back and i'm ready i'm refreshed do you know what i mean because the people the people out there all the muzzos lads they'll come up to you and like they're like what's wrong with muzzo unless you're talking about andy murray that's what i was talking about andy muzzo yeah they're always out there when I go. I always time it so that me and Judy can have a fucking pint. What did you think I meant?

All right, guys. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online way of getting therapy. You go on to betterhelp.com. You sign up. It asks you a load of questions. And usually within 48 hours, they have you matched up to a specialist therapist who matches your needs, your trauma,

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I'm a massive convert to it. One of my negatives i love counseling i'm a massive convert to it one of the negatives is actually having to meet a counselor in person this is all online it's over zoom this is a way to go i think you should really try it if this is something you've been thinking about try better help i've been thinking about going to therapy for a while now and i think i'm going to start with better help first i think the online thing might be much more suitable to my lifestyle to be honest yeah if you go to betterhelp.com slash word 10 that's betterhelp.com slash word 10 you get 10 off your first month of online therapy and it also lets them know that we sent you which is good for us keeps the podcast going and keeps these episodes free so do it now go and get yourself some help we know you need it i'm really sorry for nearly

touching your desk um this is my side now it is yeah look it's yours hey i don't like touching the thing i'll break your phone you've got the hammer i've got the hammer um i've got the drink what are you drinking oh snake snake sneak in it you love a bit of sneak, you. You've been telling me for ages, get on the sneak train. Oh, yeah. Is that the mango? The new mango flavour? Yeah, yeah, it's mango tea.

Yeah, yeah. The sneak energy drink that you love. Mango wild for that. Mango wild. I'm a man and I've gone, I love mango. Use code WORD10 to get, yeah. Type 2 diabetes.

It's delicious though, innit? You love it. Yeah, it is nice. It's your favourite, yeah. Type 2 diabetes. It's delicious though, isn't it? You love it. Yeah, it is nice. It's your favourite, yeah. You have to get snuck. That's what they say in the circles when you're like, so when you're drunk, when you have loads of that, you snuck.

Inner boys are going to get snuck later, lad. Inner boys are getting snuck. Getting snuck off, lad. Snuck. It works good as a mixer with alcohol as well, or as a palate cleanser after some crack. I've heard you can clean blood off the road with it. Yeah.

Or a crib. I always forget coming here. It's a different thing. It's just like being in a four-walled whatsapp group that's literally what this room is yeah it's a whatsapp group that we broadcast and then i go out and i go oh fuck do you know what you've just forgotten it i'd be like yeah yeah because this we said in a couple of weeks ago this has never changed we've all just been in a cupboard in runcorn and the people watching us just groan and groan and groan yeah um so there's people with like pitchforks outside

yeah yeah yeah 100 but you just ignore them. And then someone says, like, Jew with a bit too much stank on it next week, and they go after them. But you can say, like, it's with a D. It's usually us, though. What? That's usually us. The back again.

What's in your box? What's in her box? What's in her box? From the hit film, Inglourious Bastards. It's a nice box, isn't it? It is. It's like someone's ashes whose ashes would that be rick wallace what the fuck are you talking about

just because of this um you could just elongate the box and have a small box it's just a big rubber fist right can i see what the weight of it is yeah right because you've brought this in brought this in because last time you came you know you came with a little surprise and you thought you'd do it again well Well, so I've done this twice. I've co-hosted twice now. Yeah, once with me and once with Dan. And then I ended up, just for fun, dressing up as the other person. Yeah.

And then I thought, right, that's done. Done them both. Done the two important people in the room. Are you going to dress up as Carl? Take the mic. Take the mic in. Take the mic in. Wasn't a choice.

So some of your incel fans were like, you've got to do Carl. Oh, you're dressing up as me. Oh my God. Can I have a look in the box before you put it on yeah if you want i'll big's the cock all right okay okay yeah good stuff yeah i mean i can guess you're gonna have a wig on you're gonna have a better beard and a footy top a better beard it was better it was a funny stop a slight little so i brought a choice right near the neck there. We start cause he's. Are they for me? Cause you said I could have them. Yeah, but I'm going to put one on.

Okay. So it depends whether you want the one that's not been packaged. What do you said? Oh my God. A small. Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to see you wear this.

I'm not wearing it. And so I found these in my friend's attic. It was moving out. He goes, I'm just chucking them in the bin. I was like- Is that a large? The Inter one? No, they're all small. Does it look like a large?

Fuck's sake. Who's fitting in that? Well, Brandon's about- You said they could have them. I tell you, you'd fit in this. Can I have them? My cousin, Jenny. Lovely figure.

What do you want me in? Orange or blue? Well, the Inter Milan is synonymous with me, so... Yeah. It's going to be the Inter Milan one. Don't open the global one. This is a wonderful kit. We can give that away to a fan.

Write in why you deserve it. So we obviously start with that. Small, though. Right? It's fucking small. It's going to be like one of them... Okay. Heart monitor training tops.

You look more like me already. You actually do as well. It's mad. Oh, my God. Yeah? How's that look? You look like an Inter already. You actually do as well. It's mad. Oh my God. Yeah. You look like an Inter Milan themed superhero. I'm here to score some goals. Right, what's next?

Come on. I can see. I made this this morning out of an Amazon package. This is just like a little Carl. I'm not Dan Bilzerian. This is your Iranian cousin. Sister. whatever she is yeah

and then the hair's tough because like you've just got darker hair but I was wondering round I've got to get rid of some of that right okay is that a Mickey Mouse head? cushion

cushion a Mickey Mouse cushion if we just get rid of some of the fluff Finn's pubes there yeah there we go There you go Okay

You obviously have to sit over here It's wonderful So I think We're getting there No that looks really good Do you know what we're getting there I'm looking in the middle here Yeah

It's good Are we looking Are we alright I think you need a bit of hairspray Good Oh there we go Yeah yeah Get that in the go

Okay Bit of hairspray on there That's good there we go. Yeah, yeah. Get that out of the way. Okay, a bit of hairspray on there. That's good. I actually use Trezor, mate. I love that fucking VL5 show. We can just play, I know you love beer pong. Nice.

I like winning money, yeah. I was thinking about beer pong before. I think the way you can do it next time, just to like, do you know when you do it at your quizzes? Yeah. Just to sort of like bump it up, is instead of it being,

have you ever played queer pong what's queer pong well so each one's got like tiny gaming in the cups no it's like one's by one's like les like when you get it in you have to yeah yeah you have to suck off lesbos so you play a little game that's okay all right okay and then you have a game of queer pong we'll get my queer pong yeah okay okay cool what's it what else is in the box and then last thing obviously because you can't just do it on your own is um basically just thin little sheet don't say out it's just like here and you're like sing us a song can you start this that's it and what are they for oh they were just I don't know what they were for

Okay Notes Cue cards Okay Would you have to come and sit over here To play beer pub? No he's alright where he is Well I'll tell you this

That I heard the other day One of your fans grass you up Okay And he was saying Did you know that Carl Wanted a boxing match with you With you? With me you said

I know so what happened was Recently we said who would we fight and Dan said oh Carl you can fight Brendan and I went

because I'm confident yeah I'll smash his head in yeah I'm not happy with this do you think you could be Carl in a fight Brendan we'd end up having sex

within the first 30 seconds Brendan only one way to find out he's got a harder punch isn't there right do you reckon you could punch, you want me to punch you?

I will hurt you, though. You won't, though? Anyone punching anyone? I know how you feel. I'm dressed like you. You're pathetic. You want me to punch you? Okay. I've never seen you move so quick. Oh, God. Are you actually going to punch him? First live punching in Hathaway in history? Not in the face.

Not in my beautiful beard Right This is no longer a podcast ladies and gentlemen For the audio listeners if you don't know what's going on Oh my god Right okay Where you going? You can't just lean over like this

Right here we go Right Yeah I need to know what I'm dealing with Hard Right come on Okay Here we go. Right. Yeah. I need to know what I'm dealing with. Hard. Right, come on. Okay. Seeing these like TikTok video,

do you know when they like turn to us? Okay, well right handers, you understand that way. Comment, comment, Chad. Okay, Karl is about to punch Brent. I don't really know how to commentate on something that he's just gonna, you're gonna just punch him. Yeah, can I hit you hard? Why you got semi on?

So excited. Come on, let's just get it over with and get back to the actual podcast. Oh, fucking hell. I don't really know why we've just done that. Yeah, I reckon you could take me, you know. My beard nearly came off the angles, man. Punch his beard off. Look, he's gone full.

He's gone full USA. This is, well, that was fun. Look, he's gone full. He's gone full USA. This is, well, that was fun. Oh, God. What a wonderful time we're all having. How do you feel, Finn? That was a really bad punch as well. That was a bad punch.

You all right? Why did you, what? I just, I don't know. I didn't punch her. I skimmed you. You didn't skim me.

You got me. I did skim you. You look great. you look great that's the important thing yeah you look superimpose this next to her because they've got some guy keeps putting up one of me dressed as you next to that yeah and they'll be like oh yeah put me no you need to be you should be side on. That's it. There you go. That's it. That's just a hold on a car. That's trauma that. Oh, I didn't hit you very well either. He did. He got me.

He did get me. You okay? Oh, that happened. Now it's my turn. Well, okay. Bit of fun, wasn't it? Leave the top on. I'm not messing.

No, leave the top on. You look great. No, you look great. Do I? I'll leave the top on. You look great. No, you look great. Do I? I'll leave the top on. But it's small.

How does it look good? Just keeping everything in. All right. Yeah, you've got one of those bodies that when stuff is really tight on you, you just look thinner. We have the same watch on. Like, the exact same watch.

Oh, my God. It was so meant to be. Hang on. What wrist is that on? It's on his right isn't it? What's wrong with that? Does that mean I'm gay? It doesn't mean you're gay

But Wearing wrist Watching your right wrist Is a bit Wist White wrist White Hudson When you're watching your white wrist

Is a bit roguelike Both of his wrists are white Have a tag on Take the tag off Yeah you're meant to wear your watch on your right wrist That's not easy to say He's on the right wrist Left wrist sorry Why? yeah you meant to wear your watch on your right wrist that's not easy to say left wrist sorry why who said meant to

it's just a sartorial fact what have you got on I haven't got a watch on today I've left it off what wrist have I had a watch are you non-dominant wrist so obviously non-dom Simon

are you left handed? no so you're wrong then why is it such a problem? I've got no idea whether anyone is going to enjoy the first ten minutes of this podcast I'm going to say no

Finn have you got any prep? yes you got the prep that I did and sent over could you get that up please we haven't got that because you didn't do it but this is by

Young Harold okay mate that was the questions mate we try to solve people's problems We haven't got that because you didn't do it. But this is by Young Harold. Okay, mate. Tell us the questions, mate. We try to solve people's problems. This is from Dan. This is a man called Dan. Okay.

Could be our Dan. Is it our Dan? No. My mate went to school with Ed Sheeran. No, it's not Dan. And after too much bugle at a house party, cocaine, told him to give up music and focus on something sensible as his music wasn't great have you ever massively got it wrong about a comic thinking they were total shite or absolutely amazing then they've gone the complete opposite way freddy's got better oh do you remember when he used to do this remember when he used to do the basically that half of pulp fiction yeah so bad wasn't it so bad he just learned a monologue from pulp

fiction and you're like just a fat man just trying to get into drama school what was it was the only jokes what was the bit it was i think it was someone tried to mug him yeah and he said uh all i could think to do was just reply with this bit from Pulp Fiction so the fella was like give me your money and I was like does he look like a bitch and then he literally

just acted out the fella being confused trying to mug him while he did the entire monologue oh was it clapta no it was just at the end like well done for remembering

it didn't even get that yeah because people not said it quick enough people are just like eh um I no I don't think I've got it massively wrong you know when you said even get that yeah all right because people not said it quick enough people are just like um i i no i don't think i've got it massively wrong you know when you said you were going to start

stand-up like obviously you were always a performer anyway yeah yeah actor before you're a comedian um did anyone say like what are you doing oh did anyone doubt it like comedians at the start no i mean people who in your life i mean mom tried to talk me out of it did she yeah and she was like nervous about me going she was like you don't have to do it i was like but i do though beryl yeah um but no one no one really was like you're gonna be shit yeah it was more when i started comedy that people were like i got given the nickname t4 do you know that why some of the manchester comics because they thought i wanted to be a t4 presenter you sort of did yeah it's just a lucky guess that it would have been great but also it's like oh fuck there's

my mom yeah sorry if there's any stains on that by the way oh no she's got a look of who jenny my cousin jenny i see what you mean now yeah that's one for therapy but yeah i did like because when you started because you hadn't what were you doing maths maths at uni yeah no he didn't do maths at uni he went to induction week and left after four days he didn't do maths at uni this is going to be an urban myth i got into uni to do maths absolutely that's the same that's all i say but you didn't do maths at uni no i was doing maths at uni so like oh you know joe bill gates. It's not like, oh, you know, Bill Gates dropped out in year six.

Now he's a billionaire. That'd be him. Do you know actually Adam Rowan? He didn't go to uni. Fuck off. I did go to uni. You didn't. I did.

I went to university. No, but you didn't, you went to the building of university. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry for the semantics. I went to the uni. End of story. I mean, it wasn't really a story.

Right. But like the leap from times tables to comedy is a bigger leap than- Act into comedy. Yeah. That's what it was. A level maths is just seven times nine. The rule of three.

Yeah. Do you know what is seven times nine? 52? 63. Yeah, next one. It's the next one up. I'm bad at maths. I'm bad at most things, though.

No, you're not. You're a very talented boy. Thanks, mate. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, but he is bad at most things. I think we're all bad at most things. Oh, yeah, I can't do parasailing. I can.

What is parasailing again? Parasailing, you don't do that. I know, paraglide. Yeah, but that's the boat's job. No, paragliding isn't. Well, you're not. that's the boat's job. No, paragliding isn't. Well, you're not, that's the air's job. Yeah, but you can be bad at it. You're just a big kite.

A what? The people outside are angry again. I'm a what? You're a wizard, Harry. Especially dressed like careful Paolo so your mum

saw us and was like hey how about you now fella my dad's not bothered about anything yeah I could say do you know what

go and do a school shoot and he'd go go on lad be the best be the best at it kill all the kids yeah yeah here's my

gun my dad don't support me in anything my mom told me this recently i don't know what about not yours but um like well she's dead i know she is fact well known fact well known fact um she said she'd go prison for me if i'd done a murder Yeah And she's like He's got more life to live Do you reckon your Mum Or dad would do it? I think my mum would I don't know whether my dad would

I think my dad would be like You're a fucking gobshite Getting caught now Pour himself another whiskey And he'd be like My mum definitely would Yeah Yeah

My mum would have Too supportive Yeah I think sons can do no wrong In the eyes of the mother Yeah I broke my sister's jaw And my mum blamed it on my sister

So did Patrick Sever That's a good one Yeah I had a couple of friends of mine who were like don't do this like me made cooper um i worked with him when i went when i worked at mcdonald's which is when i decided to do stand-up he came to the first few gigs and he watched like this because he was like lads you know if you're shite like it's it's also the end of your social life a bit like it's gonna be fuck you know what i mean it's gonna be like it's also the end of your social life a bit. Like it's gonna be fucked, you know what I mean?

It's gonna be like, it'd be so embarrassing. And he watched like this, but then like, it was very, very bad standup, but the first few gigs went well. So as he sort of, he was losing it. It was good bad though. What do you mean? Your first standup was good bad.

Yeah, it's that open spot good, which is professional bad. It wasn't bad. You're like, oh shit, why is he still going? It was like, oh, he's good bad. Do you remember your first joke that you did ever on stage yeah so it was an improv one and it was terrible like it was really bad so it was the day it was sunday the 27th of june 2010 and it was the day uh germany beat england in the world cup uh knock round when Frank Lampard scored and it went over the line

yeah yeah yeah but like never and back then I like it's well documented on this I have a source of disillusion

with international football and don't really care about England at all back then that wasn't the case and I'd be in that day to watch England play Germany at the

St Margaret Mary's social club and I made a joke about that I remember that I was like I said something like a lot of talk today

about this is so bad a lot of talk today about the need for goal line technology but I've got a bit of technology I've been using for years

and it's called fucking eyesight that goal was two yards over the line you ganger German bastards fuck off that's just you mowing outside a pub

it got a round of applause what? you've got to understand, my first gig, there was 32 people there and 28 of them had come with me. Oh, fair enough. So, yeah. It was the egg in you one. Yeah.

Yeah, that was the first thing I ever said on stage. I had a routine about a fictional paedophile called Uncle Charlie. Oh, my God. I had... So, there's a comic who has never liked liked me who for a while oh there's loads no of course there is but there's one in particular you sort of know i'm talking about you were friend you were quite close at one point um and she sort of hated me from the off and i never really understood why what or he is she um because i had some really bad misogynistic jokes when i started just stupid

ones that like one of them was um oh i'm single all my mates have got birds the only bed i've got just sitting in its cage all day making fucking noises uh she calls it the kitchen it was so so but it worked but it was so bad i used to have one about a homeless person, fictional homeless person, who was like slagging me off because of the way that I dressed. I was like, a fanny smelled like a half-eaten packet of Skips. I remember you had that joke, yeah.

Half-eaten, as if it changes smell halfway through the pack. One of your jokes, I remember constantly. What is it? Constantly when I'm playing FIFA. It's the come on boys one oh yeah come on boys you do what mate that was my first bit i'd ever like bit i'd written the apollo didn't you

yeah they made me do it yeah five or six times a week i that is in my head you do what like it's mad that's my garlic bread yeah for me it is my out it's weird if someone says come on i'm like oh you do what that was the that was the first bit where i'd gone i've written a bit because before then it was just like oh i look like i'm in wham the first bit i felt like i had was me um nelson mandela routine the two girls on the back of the bus yeah yeah uh was that the one where it's like who's easy play for city yeah doesn't he play for man city and it was getting confused manual Balotelli and the story was sort of

10% true that I then it went from being something I overheard on a bus to essentially like an 8 minute routine and it eventually went on

Lab Bible and did like millions of views that was the first time I was like that's a bit and I think that's what got me

sort of paid work because I had that as the main chunk of a bit and i think that's what got me sort of paid work because i had that as the the main chunk of a 10 and it was just so many punch lines that i'd worked on it so i'd do 10s and they'd be like oh yeah you're that's got a bit yeah got a bit and then i started doing 20s and they were like oh you've got yeah you've got one bit you go from having a bit to having one bit you're like yeah what's the first bit you remember going, oh, I'm actually very good at this? The first bit that I felt like, oh, comics who are better than me would be happy to have this

was the Victoria's Secret routine. It's probably your best routine. Yeah. That was the first time I went, oh, this is a level above what I've written before. Yeah. I think that happens when you start writing your shows. I've done it.

Do you know when you go, right, I'm just going to, you get a bit more space to go i'm gonna write a seven minute routine or a 10 minute routine so when i did my first edinburgh and i was like panicking near the end you just end up going fuck it i'm just gonna write this new bit yeah and that's when you're like that's where some of my best bits have gone just in the past two weeks where you're like fuck fuck that's the fight or flight isn't it like i always sort of rushed my edin Edinburgh show in July. You know when you go into the Edinburgh Festival,

for those who are sort of unacquainted with how that works, you know sort of for definite from January that you're going to the Edinburgh Festival in August. But most people know from the August before whether they're going next year. They make a choice. And, you know, you should technically start writing that show in September, October, for the following August. choice and uh you know you should technically start writing that show in september october for the following august and most people get about 20 minutes done in the first seven months

and then in the last month or two they try and get the other 40 of it yeah it's like gcse cramming where you're going proper revision the night before right nazi nazi nazi 1950 see i've left it the latest i've ever left it this time because i'm going to the fringe don't know why um but i started writing it about a month ago yeah and it's too little time but also i don't care but also some of the best stuff i've written is coming out yeah because i don't have a choice now you don't have a choice you don't have that fear thing where you're going should i say that although i found this is the hardest one to write because more so than ever people come up to me and go you can't say that. Like I don't class myself as an offensive comic,

but I got a bit about- No, but you've got a lot more bite than people give you credit for. Do you know what I mean? People, I think, and this is maybe sort of tied into what you talked about before when you started and you were sort of quite clearly from an acting background and performing

and everything was- Hey. And people called you T4 because everyone was like, you were sort of quite clearly from an acting background and performing and everything was hey and people called you t4 because everyone was like you were you you're quite open about the fact initially you were using stand-up to further a present non-acting career no that wasn't the like that's what people thought but i really wanted to be a stand-up yeah like yeah if i got acting jobs but i never did it for acting oh i thought that yeah it's funny all those bastards who are like oh i just wanted to be an actor. All trying to get in like BBC free stuff now. The amount of, I'm doing a thing in October

and when people found out about it, the amount of texts I got going, hey lad, is there a part for me? Like, no. How do you think I know about it? You tell me about. Maybe. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Oh, very good. Yeah, but. But yeah, I'd like, I can be harsh, but but put on like a cheat you get away with it because it like you've come across as so non-threatening on stage and everyone's amazed and then you'll just say something horrible to a woman and everyone's like yeah i can't remember it was someone like rob rouse was like you're one of the few comics in the country that can call a bunch of women slags and get away with it and they love you more and i went that's the goal that's the one i want and to all those slags out there call me especially jenny um but yeah so so i had a woman come up to

me the other day i've got a bit about feet being fat or being fatter um and she was like you can't say fat yeah why she said because it's a hard word she was fat She was well fat You can't reclaim the word fat But also It's about I'm a bit fat now It's about what you think Yeah Your body

You're the fattest I've ever seen you Yeah yeah Especially in this Yeah It's a large Yeah And also fat people don't like sharing stuff So it's like it's our word

You know We're yet it The F word The F word Let's have one more question And we'll go for lunch before we get uh the fattest person in the world freddie quinn fat queer freddie quinn uh this is from ian lewis ian with two i's in the first name

no that's a typo in it no no that's his name ian ian i oh i thought you meant i i am yeah fucking idiot he spelled this with six l's when they were filling out his like birth certificate just got stuck on no ian ian lewis i like lids stupid game you play in the pub sometimes if you could have one superpower what would it be it is a catch though for each one of you the person on your left gets to pick a caveat for the superpower for instance you can fly but only one inch off the ground super strength but when you've got a cock up your oh super strength but only when you've got a cock up your ass that sort of thing anyway keep up the good work iion from glasgow. from Glasgow. So I get to pick me Superbar

and then he gets to give the caveats afterwards. Yeah, and then Finn and then I do. So I always used to think I'd like to read people's minds. No. But I don't think that anymore. I think that would be awful. It'd be terrible. Yeah.

I mean, all you have to do is go on Twitter. Imagine knowing what everyone thinks of you. It'd be fucking horrific. YouTube comments. Every, no, but like like they're the ones that they let there's still worse than that like imagine knowing what someone you love like the amount of times i look at you and i love you to bitch i'm your best friend and just think something awful do you know what i mean just like ugh cunt like you you'd know i thought that i never want

you to find out i don't think things are that. Maybe it's just you. Yeah. I will go with... The part, like Matilda. I can make things move. I thought you meant like seven-year-old girl. Yeah. I don't want to be a seven-year-old girl. I'd like to be able to just bring things. Laziness.

I want to be able to get myself a Ribena and have it come over to the telekinesis telekinesis yeah kinesis kyle yeah i realized i could just get like a maid that's telekinesis kyle so you so you just want to be able to move things with your hands and your mind essentially i could just bring that fancy over to me and yeah let's hold that all right so the caveat i've never used the word caveat before. So if you can move stuff around, the only way you can do it is you do have to just twat a child.

That's a hell of a caveat. I know, but if you want that seven up. So I have to find a child. I know, but if you want that seven up. So I have to find a child. I reckon you have to build a power bar up. And to do that, you've got to have batting kids. Yeah, so through the day, if you want to get to there, you could just little shoulder barge. I have to make it look accidental.

So I punch kids' heads in, and that gives me telekinesis. I'm telling you, every kid in Liverpool City Centre will be dead in a week. Dead. If I kill one kid, do I have unlimited for life? No, you get a big chunk. Like, whoa! You get a year's worth.

Yeah. A year's worth? Oh, one kid a year would be going missing, mate. I'm telling you right now. Just so we can have a Ribena. The third year, I'm just standing up. You're lazy. It's more effort to kill a kid than get a Ribena.

Or take the Ribena off the kid. Just go to the shop instead of killing the kid. Yeah. No. No. That's just like a very aggressive delivery, isn't it? What's your superpower? And then Finlay picks the Kivyat.

So my superpower, I'd like... Not even a massive one, but like, do you know what, when people are being pricks, I'd quite like to do that Bruce Almighty thing where you get to the close to just fucking fling off. I wouldn't use it for sexual purposes. Oh, say that again. When he goes like that, you could just do it. So like, if you've been a bit of a prick, I can just go, get your kecks off. Or maybe I'll just pull him down a bit, like punch him, just do it. So like, if you had been a bit of a prick, I can just go, get your kecks off. Or maybe I'll just pull them down a bit.

Like punch and just go like, cock out. So surely I can do that with Matt as well. You're limiting it to pants. Yeah, but no, I just want it for clothes. You could have had anything. I wanna be able to make you. That's what I want. Don't super power shame me.

Your caveat is that it's only available to use in charity shops. So I have to lure someone in. I'm like, come have a look at this dead woman's vase. Come here. That's such a stupid caveat. I fucking love it. This dead woman's vase, come here. I'm such a stupid caviar.

I fucking love it. So you can either lure someone in or it's gonna be an old man or woman. Can I stand in a charity shop and do it for, so as long as I'm in a charity shop and there's people like going to bookies and that and signing on, I can just be like, off, off, off. Yeah?

Yeah, but then you- People are gonna catch wind of that. Don't walk past that charity shop. Your pants fall off. it'd be awesome it'd be such a good power it's better than tell it like because you're using it just to get a fucking bottle of something i could also get someone's pants off no but i reckon like the skill that you'd need with your telekinesis to do a button fly you'd have to be like it wouldn't just come off would it it's nothing to do with your eyebrows you know you don't have to wiggle your eyebrows no you don't you can't give me a

new caveat i've already killed three kids all their clothes come to the charity shop i'm like that's a question for mine actually you say like uh killing a kid gives me a full year if i like blow up a school yeah how many kids you kids you killed? I get that many years. No, I think it's like, it's not like. I'd be fucking nuking schools, mate. Do you know what you need to do?

One surely. How long do you think you're living for? I've got 90 years. Let's blow another school up. I don't think it rolls over though. I think it's like E minutes. Like you just have to use it for that year. It's gift.

Yeah. It's gift. Go tell her. Can he send gift gift gaff. Yeah, it's gift gaff. Go tell her, can he send gift gaff? Mine is going to be... It's going to be sort of have unlimited pot or something, isn't it? I can't believe you're a stoner. Really? You just don't look like one.

I appreciate that. No, I don't mean it's... I'm not going for that vibe. I'm not going for that vibe. I'm going to, you know... Every day? Not every day. Fuck. Some days. We call him Bill and Ben around here. I'm not going for that vibe. I'm going to, you know. Every day? Not every day. Fuck.

Some days. We call him Bill and Ben around here. Because he's the flower pot, man. He's both of them. Fucking hell. I'm going to go for teleportation. Right. I want to be able to teleport.

Why? Just because fuel's fucking expensive at the minute. It's a really good day. Yeah. Saving money. Yeah, yeah. Thrifty. Yeah. Saving money. Yeah, yeah. Thrifty. Yeah.

You can teleport, but... So, like, your final destination, you have to go to, like, a middle destination first. Yeah, so you can't go straight. It's like a Ryanair flight. Yeah. There's a stop. You have to go to primark on christmas eve and buy socks from the ground floor oh you have to go to an old people's home well there's loads of stepdads going for you now i love shopping on christmas eve when they're all panicking you have to go to an old people's home and have sex with at least three of them.

Or the Primark thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That escalated quickly. I'd rather fuck three old women than stand in a queue in Primark on Christmas Eve. I'm telling you right now. I think they'd be good, you know. I say this a lot, but I think shagging an old woman.

Experience. They were around before Netflix. Yeah, but there's a line in there. Like, I get when you're saying like 70, but 96 isn't going to be given much back. Your line is 70? That's quite high, like, you know. No, no, no, I was saying, like, you said an old woman.

My mom was 68 when she died, and I never once thought about her. Old woman in my head is over 65. Yeah. My mom's 68. Look at her. Yeah, but that's not from now, is it? Look at her Yeah but that's not From now is it

No one's saying Beryl didn't fuck Back in the day mate But Yeah Mine is I'd like to be able to Like have a transferable talent

So like I can pick up with guitar And play it So you can just do anything If I'm playing footy Oh shit I'm unbelievable at it Right okay

You can have that But every time you want to do something new I get to cum in your mum's mouth. Let's leave it then. Was winning that chess game really worth it? Can I add the caveat to Adam's? No. I used to get to bum your mum every day.

Oh do you? Yeah. What a surprise. Would you rather have someone bum your mum or come in the mouth, though? Can you have a better caveat? Because that's obviously going to make me say no, isn't it? I don't know.

Well, it depends how much you want it. But it needs to affect what I'm doing. Yeah, it does. It does, mentally. You're playing football. You step up for a penalty. You can take a pen and you could immediately decide that this defo goes in.

But you know that i'm just there like hey if the ball's going in that's going yeah yeah that's your caveat and on the bbc coverage they cut to him yeah okay then but one of my skills could be killing you and i'm that good at it yeah yeah but for that one time he does have to come in her mouth yeah but then i get to kill him and do whatever i want forever yeah but your mom's mouth is literally dribbling with his cum yeah caked in it. Like she's deep-throated a chocolate fountain. Like she is.

Oh yeah, I'm just fine. Is that all right? No superpowers. I was carrying on my day. And on that note, we're gonna go for lunch and I'm gonna give Karl's mother a visit. No. No, he's not.

He is. He's not? He is. This won't even be in it. I've cut this bit out. I'm going to take it to the charity shop. I'm going to whip him off. Enjoy the advert. We're going for Hernando's.

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So actually, you can go fuck yourself. What did you have for breakfast, mate? Nothing. Nothing? No. Yeah? Yeah. Nothing at all.

I had Nando's with you guys. Do you often skip meals? What the fuck is this? Why are we a minute in and you're trying to lead me into some sort of fat trap? I mean, it'd have to be a big trap. Yeah. But you're trying to lead me into some sort of fat trap. I mean, it'd have to be a big trap. Yeah. Well you're trying to lead me into something like,

oh yeah, don't do that. And then you go, oh you fat or whatever. And I'll feel sad. And then I've got to do the rest of the hour, like being concerned about my body. No! Shut up, you fat mess. What is the fat shaming?

The fat shaming on this podcast is disgusting. I think we don't want you to be ashamed of being fat. Just to be conscious of it. Just to be sure. How are you, mate? You know what? I was feeling really down. And I said to myself this morning, if anyone makes a joke about your weight,

go home tonight and kill yourself. But these aren't jokes. Get in. This is very real. Yeah, they're facts. How on you take it fucking seriously? Luckily there's not a rope in the world strong enough. You'd have to hang yourself with like a car part chain,

I reckon. Off a crane. I don't even mean, doing it 90 seconds. It'd be five. This is boss. So thank you for stepping in for those we sort of hinted

I think I mentioned last week that this week's guest was due to be Finn Taylor had to drop out because he said his wife is squirting out of both ends by which I think he means

the face and the arsehole the fruttenbach what? the fruttenbach well we had this discussion the other night didn didn't we? I saw Jimmy Cousin, Dolly, wasn't coming to our quiz because she's got it coming out of both ends.

And you went, what? Because he thought coming out of both ends meant... No, I was being facetious. No, you weren't. You weren't. I could see it in your face. He thought coming out of both ends meant her fanny was leaking and her arsehole was squirting. What, like jizz?

No, like sickness. Oh right okay. Sickness coming out the fanny and the bum. Okay yeah. Okay. Two minutes 17. What sort of fanny sickness were you anticipating? AIDS or something. Discharge. Thrush. Thrush? Like really coming out of both like it's got to be steady flow yeah it's like when a volcano is just erupted and you're like near it and like the things

come on past you so everyone's like Pompeii just like covered in thrush there's a documentary about it a thousand years time

dolly's thrush little dog frozen in time I'd like to just go back to something we were talking about a little bit earlier in the podcast

if you don't mind because I'd like to get Freddie's opinion on we were talking about a little bit earlier in the podcast, if you don't mind. Because I'd like to get Freddie's opinion on it, if that's okay. Just listen, right? Well, if you want my opinion, I think it looks a bit gay, but if he wants to wear it, it's up to him. Freddie's band. By the way, Freddie is 100% on Brennan's team.

And that makes me feel awful. Right. Right, go on. Right. Have you got any cousins? Yes. Female cousins? Yes.

Is there any of them you've ever thought about fucking? No. Right. Would you ever fuck your first cousin? No. Even if she was really fit and you didn't really know her that well? I mean... I fucking told you.

I mean, on paper... No, no, no. Mattress on a mattress. Do it properly. She's not bad. Like, she's not bad. Like, so for me, I think everyone... Are you thinking about one specific cousin here?

Yeah, yeah. So I think that everyone expects everyone who's related to me to look like me. And that's not true, actually. You just like the white clumps. I'm from quite an attractive family. It's just I've got all the shit genes. So all the shit genes have gone to me

and everyone else looks all right, basically. So objectively, an attractive person. But no, I absolutely wouldn't fuck a cousin. So what happened was, Brennan met this lady later in life and he didn't know her. Brennan met his cousin in New Zealand like two years ago?

Australia, yeah. In Australia two years ago. He did not do cousins all the life and then he met and then... When I met her, I knew. And he actively... Oh, yeah. Well, actively.

Yeah. I'm not trying to... I'm not sliding into DMs and putting it in the groundwork. Hey, go on, they're pussied. Yeah. How are they pussied, baby? You know what that pussy is?

It's your mum's pussy. Why would I know what my mum's pussy's like? Because you fell out of it. Yeah. You don't remember? Yeah, but he didn't fall out of it like trying to grab a taste, did he?

Oh. Like, get fried. Yeah. It's quite impressive, you know, how often you manage to say the worst thing on the podcast.

I told you about the golf thing, didn't I, when I nearly got us kicked out of the golf advert. Because we were at a golf club filming an advert last week. By the way, you need to watch this advert. Whenever it airs, whenever it goes. So Freddie, he sent me it the other day.

So there's a guy like teeing off. And there's three fellas behind him. One of which is Freddie, right? And the guy is doing an ad for like investment banking or something. Yeah, some shit. He's like, invest with us. We'll make sure your investments

are in a nice place and on a golf course. And Freddie's like, and I love you, might be one of the bottom three actors of all time. I'm dreadful. You say this, he rung me up on the day of the record and he's like, smashed it, mate. I was so good at acting. No, no, you did.

And you were going, there was this guy, he was terrible. I was so good. It was a piece of piss. Did it, said my lines, awesome. I'm great at acting. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah.

I'm better than that American guy. So that American guy is somehow worse than me, but I'm a really bad actor. Well, they've edited it in his favor because you... I've seen the finished product and I said this to you on Instagram Live the other night. It's like...

I can imagine at some point the director was like, Freddie, no cut, right? Freddie, you need to say the sentence, like, just imagine you're actually at the golf course and there's no cameras here. So we need to say the sentence, like just imagine you're actually at the golf course and there's no cameras here. And just go, so we need to say to like the other people, I bet you 50 pound he misses this next shot. So is that the line?

Yeah. $50. Oh, so bet you $50. All right. Are you doing an accent? What? Are you doing an American accent? No.

No, he's just doing his accent. Yeah, yeah. And this is how he does it. He goes like, they go, action. He goes, hey guys, I bet you $50 you missed this next shot. Oh my God.

Yeah, I'm like the Christopher. Come on, Freddie. I'm like Christopher walking, but with pace instead of tone. Go, hey,

guys. I bet you $50 you missed this next shot. Did you just get nervous? What's happened there? Why have you done so shit? No, it's just because I'm bad at it

and I don't care that I'm bad at it. So I have no desire to put any effort in to be good at it. Did you apply for the job? No, they asked me. Anyway, long story short, we're filming some stuff and then a guy comes over with his mate, like trying to be all laddy, who's like a golfer. And he said, oh, you're filming midget porn, lads.

And I said, no, she's a child. She just looks like a midget. And the director lost his fucking shit at me. We're going to get kicked off the golf course. We're going to get kicked off. I'm like, how? Do you mean to tell me that he's going to go back in the golf course? I made a joke and they talked about fucking a kid.

Like, it's not going to happen. Will you chill the fuck out? I got told off badly. I think we mentioned this on a patron episode of the time i got told off on i did true geordie's poker stream so it's sponsored by like poker stars and oh yeah yeah yeah yeah um so like you're essentially doing a podcast while you're playing yeah okay and obviously i'm hired as a comedian so i'm there trying to be funny and whilst playing poker and I'm doing like they're laughing away

it's all going well and then one of them went right Britney Spears is pregnant apparently it was on her Instagram and one of the lads goes really what gets up and he goes

oh she must have deleted it so I said what the post of the baby and then one of them said one of them said oops she did it again and I said hit that baby one more time.

And they went, no, Adam, you have to, like, literally on the stream. No, we can't. Not, not, no. Like, no. You know, you know, McCullough? Yeah. Was McCullough doing that as well? So me and him had a podcast once through Man United fan channel.

Adam McCullough's a Man United fan who does YouTube stuff. we did one episode because it was literally just him and me and him making jokes about uh man united player cleverson uh fucking a 15 year old that might have been my sister in japan could have been really on brennan's sister once on a 19 man gangbang with the man united squad 2000 and what was it it? 2008. What? And if one of them was your cousin, would you get involved? Your sister had a 19... No, I mean...

She did? There was probably more men. She was in the bedroom with 19 United players and they didn't play chess. So that's a full first team, a subs bench... And Alex Ferguson. Imagine how red his nose goes when he comes. He's like Rudolph. I'm not Ferguson. Yeah.

Imagine how red his nose goes when he comes. He's like Rudolph. And she said there was a 4-4-2 formation just waiting for her to bounce. There was other people there. A lot of pressing, yeah. There was other women. So it was like more than 19. I don't think I'm making this better.

No, you really are. No, but the other ones were taking some of the load. Yeah, of course they were. How do you know this? Well, she told me. So she came back and said, I've got gang banged by- No, she didn't say gang banged. Yeah, she walked straight in.

Bye-bye! I got gang banged by Petrie's Heather and the boys. I just remember watching Sokoy M once, and she's like, I know him, and him, and him, and him. And I was like, I think something's gone on here. I was just the fan corner. Tim Lovejoy, he didn't play for United, babe. Well, he told me then.

Tevez was part of that squad. It's maddening. Oh, imagine looking between your legs and then seeing his chompers come up. Yeah. He's circumcised a woman with them. Oh, what a wonderful wonderful wonderful podcast this is this is a patreon right yeah yeah it is on saturday anyway um

you uh since you were last i don't know whether when you were last in here yeah you co-hosted i believe yeah and uh dead men talking has taken off quite a bit. You are the host of a disgusting podcast called Dead Men Talking. And when I say it's disgusting, you know it's problematic. It's horrible. Yeah. No, I was meant to be part of it, and I had to say, I'm out. Yeah, yeah. I'm really out of this.

We really pushed for Brennan to be part of it as like a co-host, and he wanted to be, but he's got too much TV stuff on that's going to ruin his. Yeah, that's not going to get you on CBeebies, mate, is it? No, it'll get me right off. Yeah, it's bad. We're just about to move into the new studio at the moment. But it's going well. I'm enjoying it.

We've already violated obscenity laws on two occasions now. So that's fun. What sort of obscenities? Just sort of explain to our listeners, in case they want to check out what you do and what it is. So it's a dark humour podcast. It's pretty much the darkest podcast on the internet uh absolutely nothing is off limits and we show each other like videos that people have sent in that are like the worst video what are you both doing i'll tell you once we hit pause carry on he's seeing the joke i

wanted to make pop above my head in the thought bubble and I just scribbled it out and we can't say it it's fine we all pop the bubble I've no idea I've no I'll tell you in a bit

when we're not recording stop being a pussy tell me now no it's not legal it'll break an obscenity law carry on what is

so it's basically every week we get sent a video of Brennan's sister getting gang banged by most of the Premier League.

Oh God, imagine getting gang banged by a Nottingham Forest on the pre-season. You'd be like, this isn't how I wanted it to be. You want some of the Big Six teams, you don't want... Big Six and fat dicks.

So anyway, right. People just send us the most disgusting videos that they can have and we've seen some fat dicks so anyway right people just send us the most disgusting videos that they can have and we've seen some fucking horrific stuff

we've violated obscenity laws on two occasions now so obscenity there's some stuff in the UK that you physically cannot broadcast

on any platform otherwise you're fucked child porn that's not the one that we keep violating and we did it

twice like subscribe and comment but animal animal Child porn, that's not the one that we keep. And we did it twice. Like, subscribe and comment. Animal porn, which is the one that's caught us out once. What about like a young, like a calf or a lamb? Is that like double whammy? Because it's a child and an animal. Is it any way as if it's a baby?

Well, so one of the ones that we had was a guy fucking a dead rat. Oh, great. How old was the rat? What, sorry? How old was the rat? I feel like I'm going to regret saying this. In the arse or the mouth? What, sorry?

What was his cock going into? In the arse. Right. The rat's not have fannies as well? No, rats are men, aren't they? Are they? Mice are the women. No.

I think you're thinking of Disney. No. Surely a rat's arsehole is far too small for the human car. Wait, can we clear this up? Things don't work. A mouse is a... A mouse is a mouse.

A mouse is just a mouse, yeah? Yes, a mouse is a mouse. And rats are just rats. I don't think it's a baby cow, it's like a horse. No, but honestly, when you're writing, when you say the human penis is too big for a rat, because this rat looked full.

Honestly, it looked like a Willy Warmer. It was like... Thank God they've got that thing on the hand. It was just... It was on tight. It looked like, you know... So we broadcast that, and then someone was like,

that is proper illegal. So we had to get rid of it. And then there was another one recently. Why is that illegal? Why is that illegal? I'm sorry. Like who's getting, who's, who's, who's reporting that? Who's watching that and going, no.

So if this is just a bit bigger. Okay. Would, why would you want to- Why have you got that? Do you mean, why has he got that? Why else would he have it? I feel like we're in a courtroom where it's like,

show the people where he touched it. That's why we've got that. You show videos of people shagging rats on your podcast, Vinny. Would you just pop it on the desk? That humanised it so much. Oh, upside down i don't know yeah why does finn look so serious it's not actually you finn it's all right so we had that and then we had another one where a guy uh was in like a shopping mall and there were two guys coming after him and he had a knife and he

stabs one of these guys in the neck and the mate it's fucking horrific of course it is why are you showing people he bleeds a little bit oh just a bit and then he and then he pisses blood but he's kind of still stood up and then he just sort of faints and collapses uh and then we thought the person who sent it in was like oh, he's fine and then it turns out that he was definitely dead. It's horrific. So yeah, we've already,

we already messed up on a couple of occasions. Ring that bell button, yeah. Vile. That is vile. That's fucked. I don't want to do the podcast anymore. I don't want to watch

people getting murdered. Well, no, we have other fun stuff as well. Other fun stuff. Other fun what happens competition what tends to happen is spot the ball what's going on in and out of the room one video gets a lot of traction and then people send us loads of videos like that so we have had a lot of cum snorting recently sniffing cum snorting come up yeah yeah So we have had a lot of cum snorting recently. Sniffing cum? Snorting cum up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've had a lot of videos of women like snorting cum off dicks, which is quite funny. Or chopping it up with a credit card and then doing a line of cum. It's an acquired taste, Deadman talking. But if you're into it, you're going to love it.

Do you remember before when you all thought I was proper weird for wanting to bum my cousin? No, I's still weird. This feels, but not as weird as- Apparently cum snorting's a thing. Well, anything's a thing, isn't it? Yeah.

Anything's a thing. Anything's a thing. That's my new podcast, anything's a thing. That's you hardening plain sight, that, isn't it? You're trying to see if they normalize it and you go, aye, cum snort. No, I don't think, it's the sound that does it for me. When they come snort,

it sounds like a blocked nose. Do you know what I mean? It's horrific. Oh, so you don't like it? No. You just said it does it for you? No, it's the sound that does it for me and it puts me off.

Oh, right. Oh, but the actual watching someone shovel cum up their own nose. If there was no sound, I wouldn't be against it. Have you ever heard of a mute button? So you could really enjoy it just without the sound. Yeah.

I know that's a sex move. I'm so glad I'm not involved in this podcast. You asked me yesterday whether I'll come and do it in August, and you've changed your mind now. What happens if you break an obscenity law? Prison, I think. Two years. So why are you not in prison then?

Because we caught it before it got broadcast. Yeah. And he's just going on another podcast and saying that he didn't know, but it's all alleged. He's alleging it against himself, but he can't actually be proven. So if you'd have put that video, you'd have got arrested? Possibly, yeah. Particularly the dead rat.

Because at the end of the day, we're distributing it, aren't we? What's wrong with the dead rat thing? I don't get it. It's bestiality. Does that mean that the person who sent that video around of that woman being foot by a horse is probably in prison now?

Do you reckon? The original one. It was a woman who got bombed to death by a horse. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So that is both. Because it's a murder one.

Because she is dead. She is. How do you know she's dead? Because someone told me, I chose to believe it. Also that cock. It's like two of these shore mics going into you. Yeah, she got absolutely horse bombed to death. Yeah, but you say it's like two of the shore mics

going into you. I imagine she'd have done prep before. So she might have- Oh what, she started with a pony? Yeah. And then like a donkey. What, like, do you know when people try and stretch their ear holes?

Is that what's happening there, a fresh tunnel? Her arse all look like an emo's ear. If this episode gets monetized, something's going on at YouTube, you know. I swear to God. What do you mean prep? Like, so if you're going to do stuff, if you're going to get fucked by a horse.

Gapes. Oh my God. So some women like training their eyes. Training. All women? Some women. This is going to sound like a generalization. All of them.

All women. All women. Who's that? My mom. Sven's that? My mum. Ben's an absolute piece of a mother. The one on the left. Oh, God. Right.

Is that your sister? No, it's him. It's me, you prick. That's you. That's him before the op. Some women, right, like the idea of having a gaping arsehole right it's like no not whistling no like when you blow in a bottle that's what they want no like they just

want it to like gape yeah so what they do is like some women like the idea of having that why because it makes pooing easier you don't have a choice then it's coming Why? Because it makes pooing easier. You don't have a choice then. It's just coming out, isn't it? It makes pooing involuntary as well. Listen, right, some women, some men are attracted

to gaping arseholes and some women want to please those men, right? So what they do is... What you introduced is like a children's story. Long, long ago.

So it's like weight training. A princess in a castle. It's like weight training. You go up and you come down. You go up. It's steady. So you'd start by like putting this up your arse, right? And then maybe next you go for like a few fingers or whatever. But then you go back down to that.

So you sort of go up and you come down. Why are you going back down? Because it's... Do you know like when you're putting like furnitures up and you come down and you slow it down because it's do you know like when you're putting like furnitures together and you don't tie put one screw in all the way and you just like do the other one

it's for the sake of balance and training how do you know this? how do you know this? look there's things me and your mother get up to that you you don't want to know about

and I protect you okay I reckon you've had an ex-partner that's been into this yeah I have had an ex-partner who was into this, but we didn't end up doing it.

Do you never just want to flick a coin in it, though, and make a wish? Me. Yeah. Well, I've never had the opportunity, but I imagine some men have had that thought as well, yeah? Yeah, you just... How big are we talking?

Like, the inside of our fez? Your ass is like the inside of a fez. It's the right colour. How big are we talking? You might be talking like the inside of a fez. Your ass is like the inside of a fez. It's the right colour. How big are we talking? You might be talking like the... That is not right. It's not right though, is it? Like the beer pong cup, yeah.

It'd be swallowing shit all day like when you get stuff in your belly button. At the end of a crazy golf course. You play beer pong with your bird's ass on it. Why don't you put underpants on that? Is that how you train? Do you know like those like baseball shoes? It doesn't constantly gape.

It just has the ability to. Yeah, but how do you do it? Do you just like gape, gape? Like how's it gaping? No, so what they do it. What the women do. What they do is they train their arse so it's possible to do that.

And then what the gape comes from is... Why do you keep like revving up with it? Because someone fists them and then they pull their arm out and it sort of stays that way for a few seconds. If this is your first podcast, by the way, it is always like this, just second. My name's Dan Nightingale.

Please subscribe. My sister told me about this thing There we go Speaking of gaping heart souls What did Phil Barsey, those of you who are born in the sister's heart soul So when she was in the circus there was a thing called Manfest

If you don't know who Brennan is his sister right now sounds fucking incredible Gangbangs with Premier League league teams oh when she was in the circus go on carry on so there was like so what they do is they like so go to some city they'd be there for a month and then one night a month they'd rent out this the circus tent and call it man fest and then loads of men would come and there'd be people on bungee cords with their gaping assholes and people would just sort of like try and catch their arsehole on the

fist no no no no just listen to what you're asking us to believe, right? No, no, no. Just listen to what you've just said. You've just said that in the circus, they'd hire out the big tent, call it Manfest, and have men on bungee cords with gaping anuses that they tried to punch up into their fucking anuses. This wasn't part of the circus.

This was in the- That's not what makes sense. Oh, now it's part of the day off. That makes perfect sense. What's the fucking deal here? What's the point of the circus? No. So I say my sister gets dry bummed by 19 football players.

That's fine. But I talk about one man on a bungee cord and a mental. No, no, no, because- No, no, because even- He's mad. Take everything out of it, think about it as a mathematical thing.

Imagine the angle that they must have to come in for you to punch through an arsehole. That's why there's so many men on the grass. How stupid is that? But it's, it's,

it's numbers, it's a numbers game. There's one man on a bungee cord and then there's 500 thirsty fucking French men from Bilbao

ready to punch you in the asshole. French men from Spain. Mate, honestly, this does sound like one of those Spanish festivals, doesn't it? You know when they push a cow off a building or something? We get to the gay man on the bungee cord and punch his asshole. The bomb running the fucking-

Why is he Italian? He emigrated when he was young. That's what happens if you get of my partner. Why is he Italian? He emigrated when he was young. That's what happens if you get in the arse you think Why are they trying to do that

in the first place? What's the aim of the game? To catch the man. And do what with him? To catch him. I think you just pull it back and then send him back off. I don't know.

Like a slingshot. Yeah, like a catapult. There's been some bollocks said in this room. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Why is that? That's the thing. In my...

That's what she told me. Man fest. So you're basically trying to use an intestine as a slingshot. Not an intestine, just the porch of the intestine. But what do you grab hold of in the arsehole to slingshot him away? No, you don't. As soon as he slips onto you, as soon as he comes on, you probably brace a bit more so you keep him there. Have you ever fist't. As soon as he slips onto you, like that, as soon as he comes on, you probably like brace a bit more.

So you keep him there. Have you ever fisted anyone? No, of course I've not. Cause when you fist someone- Oh, sorry, I forgot we were here with a fisting connoisseur of 1996. Remember that podcast album? Have you fisted someone?

Yes. What? So when you fist someone, you don't just punch into the arsehole. You don't just fucking joke out zagging into the fucking... It's got to be eased in. Yeah, but this guy on the bungee cord is a pro. He's a professional.

No, it's not that it's the ones doing the fisting. It's the ones, the 500 Frenchmen. They all have to be the professionals. Do you know how much lube you would need In order to get a So there's What There's 499 people Arms covered in lube

Doing fuck all Yeah While one lucky man Gets to fist Fucking fist Yeah but they're trying Everyone's going for it This is

This is the stupidest thing It's not Honestly We have said Some biblical shit Let me find it Man fest Freddie Tell us about the person You fisted Have you fisted Multiple people Honestly, we have said some biblical shit. Let me find it. Man fest.

Freddie, tell us about the person you fisted. Have you fisted multiple people? I'm not going to tell you about the person that I fisted. Because you're very much in love with her. No. No, no. No? Why?

Because I don't want to. It's weird, isn't it? Talking about fisting. Not having a fist. I think we're beyond that at this stage. Well, we met at a circus big top he had his united top on and my sister's like yeah but then this doesn't exist mate it does it doesn't exist why would she tell me I think she was taking the piss have you verified the whole getting spunked on by 19 footballers thing how do you verify it

i'm just saying maybe she's just having a laugh with you and she's going i told my brother that i fingered a crocodile this week or whatever just to see what you're gonna believe what why would any sister ever want her brother to think she gangbed the united squad there was other girls there he's a city fan oh just to wind you up just as like a little so you're like oh sis no oh you sucked him off have you got a sister uh no i don't think you know how brother sister relationship dynamics work no i don't i don't think you know how most female relationships work Brennan can we just put a stop in this Manfest was a lie wasn't it I'd like to believe it's not

Manfest I don't know what it is in Spanish Manfest Seniorfest Hairfest they had that in Germany But isn't it more fun to think that exists That is the philosophy by which i live my life

i choose to believe whatever's more fun rather than verifying stuff if you tell me something and i think that's a bit mad if i initially believe it i will never check it because i want it to be real he thinks father christmas got his gifts off me this year this is fun it's just better to like, that's why I like conspiracy theories. It's more fun if George Bush did do 9-11. What? If George Bush orchestrated 9-11. If it was an inside job,

life's funnier. It is. That truth is better than just the harrowing truth of what could be the truth. George Bush orchestrating it's funnier. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It is.

I'm genuinely speechless on a podcast. Why? I don't understand. What do you mean you don't understand? I don't understand. Why would you believe

conspiracy theories? Why is it funnier? I don't care. Because then the world becomes a more fun place. Life's more interesting if there's like a group of Illuminati

like running everything rather than it just being what we know. It's not more depressing. No. It's not more depressing. No, it's more exciting. It's irrelevant, isn't it? That's why whenever, I believe conspiracy theories,

but I don't want to like unmask them or do anything about them. So when people are like, oh, there's an Illuminati and they're changing everything and they run the world, I'm like, well, if they run the world, you're not going to do anything about it

from your mum's box room. So just fucking, just live with the fact that, yeah, you're right. When people are like, oh, Bill Gates is microchipping everyone, I'm sound what's happening bill do you know i mean like i believe it i absolutely believe it they're both depressing yeah this one's more funny depressing yeah see i'm totally the opposite which is i have to be right about things and if i'm not right it genuinely

that's a long day what do you mean how can you write about 9-11? What do you write about? So, I think that it was... There you go, you've already lost it, I think. Okay,

it was Bin Laden. Yeah, but you don't know that and you don't know who he was working for. You don't even know who Bin Laden was. You don't even know

he was a real person. You don't even know if he's dead. You don't know if he was ever alive. Oh dear God, this is going to be an exhausting fucking day,

isn't it? Is it not funnier to think George Bush did it than... No. Why? No, this is going to be an exhausting fucking day, isn't it? Is it not funnier to think George Bush did it? No. Why? No, I just don't think it's funny. He's just chilling in a primary school

and he's like, yeah, good shot. Three, two, one. Hey, when the first one had to come whisper to me, when the second one had to come whisper to me again, watch my face here.

Oh no. And all the guys back at the office are like, yeah. Who are we blaming here lad he's like yeah gosh darn it he's like

damn damn Iraqis gosh darn it that's how we that's how that's how George Bush would sell being angry at 9-11 that's pretty much what he says gosh darn it

that's what he says at the start of the press conference he goes gosh darn it they did it again yeah he says drat at some point during this do you know what

you changed my mind Man fest was a real thing and also next time you go into a circus 10 if ever yeah sniff yeah just have a sniff do you believe in aliens no you don't think there's any intelligent life anywhere else in the world i barely think there's intelligent life in this fucking studio do you think we're alone in the universe uh okay so i think that uh if the universe is infinite then that opens itself up for infinite possibilities and so therefore it's a certainty that life must exist somewhere yeah uh do i think that uh do you think there's alien bodies at Area 51? No. Why? Because why would there be?

Isn't it funner to think there is, though? Yeah. No. Why are you living a bleak life? What are you gaining from this? It's much funner if there's a little alien who works there and actually runs the gaffer. Works there. He's just being paid off.

Like, shut up, stay here. Yeah, he's got a family. They just like- They never charge him for anything. He's got Cocoa Pops, toast. He's fucking- Cocoa Pops and toast. He doesn't know what a wage is. He's just helping. Yeah. But he likes Cocoa Pops.'s got cocoa pops, toast. He's fucking... He's an alien, so he doesn't know what a wage is.

He's just helping. Yeah. But he likes cocoa pops. Cocoa pops and toast. Listen, if you're good, we'll take you to Manfest next year. Get that little brown anus bouncing up and down

while 500 Frenchmen trying to fuck you up the arse. Why do you think an alien's eyes are so bulging? I think there's aliens in Alien 51. I reckon we've been visited before

I reckon they might walk among us you reckon what like men in black yeah oh my god no you don't you don't believe that

have you ever seen a pug hang on you don't think anybody in this planet can be not human correct why why

is it better if there's a few aliens knocking about just being like hang on have you not seen Stranger Things it's a documentary I watched season one I like- Have you not seen Stranger Things?

I watched season one and I got bored of it. Oh, after that it becomes a documentary, you've missed it. Yeah, Eleven grew up and stopped being fit, so. Again. I'm joking. You better fucking Abbie, yeah? Good. Oh, it was a joke.

So you don't think there's any possibility That aliens have ever been here before No Okay Oh sorry Do I think there's a possibility That aliens have been here before Yeah

And visited in a way That we just don't know about Yes maybe Do you think it's possible That we do know about it No Why Why

Because I think that Do you think they'd let us know that if they have the capacity to come here, then they have the capacity to explore around unavaded. No, because have you ever met like a long distance lorry driver? They know how to get about. Yeah. I tried having a chat with one. They're thick as fuck.

So yeah, I've been to. I've been to. But you'd imagine. You'd imagine that aliens that people over here they wouldn't send the whatever the long distance lorry driver equivalent of their species is you know the way dogs exist yeah and then we exist and there's things that they we dogs can't understand that we do do you not think there's something that exists that has happened that we just don't know what's happening? Like, dogs don't know we're doing this, do they?

So do I think that there's... Fuck. Sorry, sorry. Oh, my God. So because... The dogs don't know that we're doing podcasts. They couldn't possibly...

It's not feasible in their world. So because dogs are unaware of podcasts, therefore, there's aliens in Alien 51. No, I'm saying there could be something above our level

that we couldn't feasibly imagine yeah how long's left do you not is that not what is it that's not real

dogs the dogs never heard of like the F1 also you're assuming that aliens would want to go like unnoticed if they came

what if you turned up sort of bit of malfunction equipment which could happen doesn't matter how intelligent they are they crash area 51 fella gets out he's like fucking hell me back and then like the government the u.s government have found him and he's gonna make look i'll be honest it was just coming down for the chat and like you know we we've got our our gaff up there i was gonna say he hasn't got breakdown cover we've got our gaff up there

uh we were just wondering like whether you want to you know send a couple to ours we'll have a few people here we'll sort of get to know each other like foreign exchange students yeah really foreign come down with me so do i reckon do i reckon that's what he said come down with me to the air so do i go on no no no by all means you first yeah so do i reckon yeah that some aliens have crashed here yeah yeah and whilst crashing have set up some sort of foreign exchange program whereby there's a couple of aliens here just chilling and a couple of farm lads from Nebraska on some fucking random

moon of Neptune. Do I reckon that that's the case? Do you reckon it's possible? No. You don't just get to throw out the most ridiculous scenario in the world. Do dogs listen to podcasts? Do you reckon dogs know that podcasts

exist? Are there any dogs that are Patreons? It's possible. Like cats don't know about like the F1. What the fuck are you talking? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. In their world exists as they know it.

They couldn't, you couldn't go to the cat. Yeah, the F1 exists. Cause they- They got the new season starting. They go, what? There's like, there's, you know, there's blue whales that don't know about Alton Towers. All of them?

Are you not some? All of, all of them. Some of them. Some blue whales that have never been to Alton Towers. You ever seen those chipper ones that are like, we have something here. No, but some blue whales don't even know humans exist. But do you not reckon it's possible, Adam,

that some blue whales do know about Alton Towers and dress up in human clothes and sneak in and don't get caught? Do you know what? I've seen them. No, no, no. It's true.

It could explode. I'm going to explode. What did you expect them to say? How is this popular? How is this? You slagging off dead men talking because we're looking at prolapses every day.

But this is, at least it's educational. Do you know what one of the mad things is? No whales know that this exists. Yeah. But if they did, there'd be a £10 Patreon. Right, guys? I'm a philosopher. So I just put ideas out there

that you've got no evidence to refute. Do you know what I mean? You don't know for a fact that aliens aren't walking amongst us therefore it's possible exactly but this this is me on your side if aliens don't exist what's in area 51 what is area 51 right why why can't we go i'll put this to why are they like oh like because we've gone for years haven't we we? We've gone, listen, Area 51, defo aliens. And they've gone, no, no, no.

Don't come and look, though. Okay, I'll put this to you then, Adam, right? Let's say, for example, that there is an alien that the government are hiding. Surely, therefore, the stupidest fucking place to hide it will be the one place where everyone thinks there's an alien. The safest place. The safest place. But people only think there's an alien everyone thinks there's an alien the safest place the safest place people only think there's an alien there because there's an alien there we haven't just put that

out of nowhere have we it's the safest place it's the most secure place on earth yeah you can't get to it why what are they hiding because why would you hide in a big empty room loads of places that you can't get into you can't walk into the fucking white house you can't get into. You can't walk into the fucking White House. You can't walk into the... You can. Have you never seen National Treasure? No, but like walk... You can't go into like the Queen's fucking gaff, can you? You can if you want. You can't go into the Queen's gaff. Have you ever seen National Treasure 2?

And fuck you. That's it. Oh my God. But people work at buckingham palace there's butlers and that it was just called like fucking john and alan and they leave and then they go back i'll tell you doesn't work at buckingham palace yeah if you know about this uh black people what so the queen had a you know the diversity uh equality act or whatever. The queen had it written so that she doesn't have to deal with that shit.

What? Check it. No, you don't need to check it. I'll just believe it. That's more interesting. This is what I'm saying. That could be a fucking lie and you believe it because it's false.

No, no, no, no. I immediately didn't believe it until I checked it. Do you want to know another fact about the queen? That one of the first dildos that came out in, I think it was like 85, the Queen's Wave was based, that's why that movie is. So wait, wait,

one of the first dildos came out in 1985. No, Electro-Sleeve. Yeah. And someone saw that and they were inspired by the Queen's Wave and they were like, that feels good. That is actually true as well.

And I have checked that one. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The turn of like the... That. Yeah. That's a lovely fact And I have checked that one. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The turn of like the... That. Yeah. That's a lovely fact. I like that.

Yeah. I mean, she still doesn't let black people in Buggy and Palace, but... Well, no, probably lets them in. But like, she had it written in so that she didn't have to hire them.

Isn't that fucking insane? It's not true, is it? You fucking prick! Ah! You've lost. You've lost. Wasn't your life much better than when you believed me for those 30 seconds? See? We just proved the point. How good was that? Open your mind, Fred. Life's funny.

Open your ass. Let's get to Spain. The Zippo Circus is coming to town. Just grab that dildo, Freddy. Come on. This is... Come on. Grab it. Get it. Grab the dildo, Freddie Come on This is Come on Grab it Get it Grab the dildo

Grab it It's not going to hit you That's been up my arse It's not a line of come off it Why have you got this? You've got many dildos in your business freddie what's happening ladies and gentlemen it's adam here to tell you about our leading sponsor our presented by sponsor manscaped.com the absolute best in men's below the belt grooming

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you've been here before you know actually you've been here before you know have you got that prep that i did no why you've never done any prep You know how it works. Have you got that prep that I did? No. Why? You've never done any prep. I have done prep. I used to do prep every other day, actually, before you showed up.

I made it better. I improved everything we do. Yes. You do prep just before you're about to have sex, don't you? Yeah. I've got AIDS. Have you done some prep? No, Harry Robinson has.

Yeah. And then Finlay has picked the crop. Okay, cool. And I'll read it out thanks Finn for all your hard work you really appreciate it around there mate not like this

fucking fester and cunt go on it makes everything better I don't know who you meant in this room then oh this is from

Matt Palmer Palmer Matty Matty Palmer Matty Matty Palmer he's running down the wing he scores all the goals and we call himmo. Matty Matty Palmo. Matty Matty Palmo. He's running down the wing. He scores all the goals and we call him the king. Matty Palmo. Anyway, Matt says, got a question, lads.

You find out your mate has got a secret OnlyFans. This is a hypothetical. Is it a woman or? Hypothetical, you do whatever. Are you friends with women? Oh, I'm about to change it. He is very secretive about it and once questioned,

refuses to give any details of what content he posts. I would sign up immediately. Do you buy that on buyer? I would sign up immediately. Are you messing? Can I pay three quid to see my mate's cock?

100%. Not three quid, OnlyFans. I'd pay 50 quid to see your cock go on it's not what it's not three quid it's more expensive than that how do you know because i've looked into it looked into it you definitely signed up for only fans no i've thought about it but who i bet someone who you went to school with you've gone my problem is i'm quite cheap so i can never really justify 15 quid for a wank i can it's multiple wanks though isn't it ever paid for porn uh i mean i used to buy zoo magazine no then no i've never paid for porn there's so much good

free stuff isn't it i know but there's something about putting your sort code in that you're like oh here we go you don't have to tell me i remember when you were What porn have you paid for? I remember when you subscribed to Only Sam's. That's not making it in, is it? Oh, you can leave it in. It fucking is. What porn have you paid for well it's public now um what porn have you paid for what what porn have you paid for

like porn or premium oh i think like in a hotel oh no i just wait for the premiums to go on free i'll tell you once though um this is years ago, when I first started doing comedy, do you remember when I did this Sky Gameshow where you could win like 25 grand and they had singers? Didn't you win a Sky Gameshow? Yeah, so I won it. Why are you saying like none of us know that? Because I can't remember if you remember. Of course. 10 years ago.

So I won it. Don't stop me now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then me and Freddie Flintoff went on a night out and got battered. Yeah. Twatted. And I woke up in the morning with an empty bottle of rum on the floor,

naked on the bathroom floor. And then I had a £30 bill for Babe Station. And I thought, I'm a big ruler now, baby. I don't remember any of it. I must have just rung up and been like, I was on Sky One once. I put Freddie down. Yeah, so I've paid for it before.

That's not porn, though, is it? That's just someone shoving a phone up their arse on the telly at half an hour in the morning. Pornhub Premium, though, is paying for porn. Yeah, that is, yeah, of course it is. Don't know, there's just something. Feels classier. Do you know how to start a porn videos now?

Some of them, like, they have a little, like, unskippable advert like YouTube does. Some of them go, why just watch porn when you could make it? I'm like, well, I wouldn't fucking be here if I had the ability to make porn. I'm like, well, I wouldn't fucking be here if I was, had the ability to make porn. This cartoon will make you come

in 20 seconds. I'm like, fucking 10, mate. I do love a bit of cartoon porn though. Slutty Velma. Really? Get to Arsgill. Yeah.

Imagine pulling Marge Simpson's hair in the bedroom. I'm not into Marge. No. Velma. What's she gonna be doing? Is it just Velma?

What's she doing? Daphne. I'd have a go of it as well. She's the one with the glasses. Daphne's the fit one. What about Scrappy Doo? Dog. The little dog.

No, it's a kid. He's not a kid. He's always kicking off. Scrappy's the little one. Yeah, but he's little. No, he is a pup. Is he? He's actually a pup.

So what you've done is naughty. Who would you shout for that? What? Cartoon wise? I feel like this was done is naughty. Who would you shag, Fred? What, cartoon wise? I feel like this was a bad question, but anyone cartoon would you shag? You can't have any of the Powerpuff Girls. I was literally- I know you were!

I've seen the Thor bubble! Bubbles. Or Dexter's sister. The mum in Fairly Odd Parents. I think she's quite fit. Yeah, let's have a look. She'd get it. I'd shag the robot from the Jetsons

well fit Angelica on Rugrats she's a child Phil and Lil I think Phil and Lil are like fucking they're babies do you not think

when you see like this is too much you know and that's on this podcast Phil and Lil you can't be doing whenever you see like Meatball Molly and Paddy the Baddie together do you not think that's what Phil and Lil are you see Meatball Molly

And Paddy the Baddie Together Do you not think That's what Phil and Lily are Whenever I see them I'm like That's Phil and Lily Yeah that's good

Get two UFC fighters Just want to punch you dead Good tactic I mean that as a compliment Yeah Just to answer that Properly I would absolutely

Want to see my mate Cock for even 15 quid Yeah Freddie If you found out Rob had an OnlyFans Would you pay Rob Mulholland Your co had an OnlyFans, would you pay? Rob Mulholland, your co-host of Dead Men Talking.

Would you pay 50 pounds for it? 50? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Because if I got unlimited access to all of the... The thing is, is I'd actually be quite pissed off if you paid money and it was just him, like, led on a bed, like, stroking his cock.

Like, I wouldn't want that. What more would you want? I'd want him to be like, I want him to be like rimming, like shoving cucumbers up his ass and like covering himself in comb and being really horrific. I don't think you're meant to watch it

to help yourself. I don't think you know what OnlyFans is. It's just literally girls going, it's me fanny that you know. And you have to be like, it can be whatever. No, no, no, no, no. OnlyFans is video video, is anything.

It's mainly them just pointing at their own fanny though. Yeah, the lazy ones. You've paid eight quid, there's be funny. Yeah, but what you want is you want some of the rougher ones who have to do more to try and get your money. And what sort of shit are they doing? All sorts, like punching themselves. What, in the minge?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the grout in a bathroom. Like trying to unblock a sink. Just doing that. I was hoping that was it. It's all changing. Painting today. Strip the wallpaper.

You're like, oh. Anything. There's me ass. Tax return. Making some toast. There's me ass. Have you not seen that? There's a woman who, I think she's a Rangers fan

and what she does is she wears a Rangers top and she makes men wear Celtic togs and she pegs them up the arse she's an OnlyFans why do you know that

I think I saw it on Twitter for free yeah we all see that on Twitter no you didn Yeah, we all see that on Twitter. No, you didn't. Defo did. No, you didn't. Defo did.

Nobody knows, I never. You got talking to her at Manfest. Carl, what's the next question? It's from Stuart Tucker. Tucks. Tuck shop. Tuck shop. Tucking between Tuck. Tuck shop. Tuck. Oh. Tuck shop. Tucking between your legs.

Why are you the most sensible? Whenever I see your clothes, it's you being a knobhead and Dan being like, ugh. Yeah, because even, it's just been too much for me today.

It feels like we've been allowed to invite our naughty friends to a party. Yeah, yeah. We've gone, oh shit. You're the two ones that like, you know like when you were a kid

and your mum was like, look, you can have your birthday party, but John's not coming. a party. Yeah, yeah. You're the two ones that like, you know like when you were a kid and your mum was like, look, you can have your birthday party but John's not coming. Yous are both, John. Wag wag lids. Would you rather have crisp dust on your fingers for the rest of your life

or no matter how many times you wash it or you can't get rid of it. Sorry. That was really bad. Even if you wash it, you can't get rid of it. Right.

Or have crisp dust on your cock for the rest of your life with the same conditions. Your choice of flavor. Sorry, what? What? Would you rather have crisp dust on your fingers

or inside your dick? No, on the end. On the end. On the end. Yeah, like a fab lolly. Yeah. Fingers. 100%. What? No, I want it on my cock. I want it on my cock. Flavor of lolly. Yeah. Fingers. A hundred percent.

What? No, I want it on me cock. I want it on me cock. Flavour of your choosing. Yeah. Do you want to suck me off? No. Well, there's a bag of frazzles down there.

Beef muncher muncher. I didn't fancy him, but he tastes like smoky barbecue. I'd get popping candy, I think. Popping candy? It's not crisp, is it? Flavour. Popping candy flavoured potato chips. Imagine every time you showered,

imagine what would happen with popping candy on your dick. Yeah, just sounds like the cast of Stomp. It'd be awesome. But not on your fingers. Your fingers going round smelling like pickled onions. You'd get used to it. His do anyway. You You get used to it. It's there anyway. You get used to it.

You do, yeah. Fucking hell. Freddie, what's it hands? This is the one that gets us, we've always said this, but this is the one that gets us cancelled, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's on point. What about you?

You're your own boss, us two, fucked. Yeah, we'll find a job for you. We need us cancelled, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on point. Not you. You're your own boss. Us two. Fucked. Yeah. We'll find a job for you. We need subtitling, don't we? Yeah. Yeah, we've got some advice. Oh, I love giving advice.

Is it this one? Yes. Yes. Hire up a little bit. To help. Here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll...

That worked for me, didn't it? This is a long one, but Finn shows me it's worth it. Yeah. Okay. This is from Anonymous. And in brackets, this is sensational. Okay. Cool. Right. Right. Okay. Like as in Sensei Kyle.

They spelled it correctly. Wag wag lids. Please keep this anonymous for reasons which have become clear. In October last year, I was having a few bevs with some friends, about ten of us in total, both boys and girls.

I got very drunk that night and decided it was a great idea to come out as gay to everyone on the spot. Everyone who was there was super supportive and all. It was actually very emotional with everyone crying

because they were so proud of me. He's not gay, is he? There is one issue, Frederick. I am not gay. Oh, what a dick. A few days later, it came out I didn't really... Sorry, a few days later it came out, I didn't really give it a thought, I didn't remember much of what happened,

but then the news started to spread, and within a month, everyone outside of my family knew, and for whatever reason, I was too scared to say I'm not actually gay. The news eventually got to my brother, who spoke to me about it. And I didn't have the balls to say it's not true. So then I came out to my parents and my family. What the fuck are you doing?

So he didn't have... So he's come out to everyone in his life because he didn't have the balls to go, oh, actually, I'm not gay. I'm telling you right now, I understand this predicament more than you do. If I'd come out as gay, especially in today's current climate, like, you'd be called, like, homophobic

or, like, abuse and privilege or some shite. So I'd just have to suck a dick and get on with it, me. Now, almost a year on, this has tarnished my whole love life. A year? Wait a year? Wait, Frederick. Now, almost a year on, this has tarnished my whole love life that I wait frederick now almost a year on this has tarnished my whole

love life that i have actually tried being gay fuck fuck like 30 day free trial gay but it's just card details no contract details it's not for me no girl's gonna fancy me now because they think i'm gay i'm in way too deep oh now to go back on my word so what can i do to get myself out of this situation keep up the good work anonymous i mean i know the answer like i don't know i'll i'll tell you the actual answer in a minute oh i know it's chipped in i know exactly what you can do what uh just go do you know what i think i'm bi that's what i was gonna say and then what you do is you go it's like cocks like heroin in it you gotta wean your way off so you go methadone which is bi and then you go um straight again so

what you do is now you've had a year of being gay and then you now go i'm actually bi and you have a year of that and then in a year's time you go do you know what actually i think i just fancy women it was just a phase. Done. Problem solved. But bi is, like, we know amongst, like, comedians,

bi is like the easy cop out. You can pretend to be bi, can't you? There's a comedian who I suspect does that, yeah. Oh, there's fucking loads.

And if anyone was going to do it, it should have been me. But I didn't, because I'm not. And it's disgusting. No. And, so,

I think that bi is a shit cop out. I think he should just, he should own up to it. Go. You can't after a year. After a year you cannot own up to it. Or you could like,

say there's like a family barbecue, some friends around. You bring a girl around and you get caught like fingering her in the downstairs toilet and then make someone walk in and then everyone goes. Do you talk hair into this as well? Let me finger in the downstairs toilet but we're leaving the door open because

we're hoping we got caught yeah we leave she's fully on board yeah yeah yeah she's fully agreed yeah because she's been fingered by gay guys yeah have a uh uh just a female girlfriend that you want and then tell everyone female girlfriend yeah and then tell everyone just checking and then tell everyone... Female girlfriend. Yeah, and then tell everyone... Yeah, yeah, yeah, just checking. And then tell everyone that it's a post-op transsexual, and that's...

What's gone on here? He got drunk, and now he's got post-op transsexuals getting fingered with the door open. How's he spent... What happened to this kid's life? What happened to this kid's life? He just wants a normal life. How's he spent a year?

How's this not the kind of thing that you sorted out instantly? Like, how's it not the thing that you, the next day, or even within the week... Have you never done anything drunk and regretted it and not had the balls to, like, fix it and just gone, yeah, yeah? Have you not ever done that? Just being like, yeah. Well, like little things.

Yeah. Like saying things that are wrong or maybe acting a bit of a dickhead or whatever. Never come out to everybody in an emotional moment and then... I'm not saying you've done the exact same thing. I'm not going to say it's just for that. Yeah, but it's a life-altering thing, isn't it?

Yeah. Have you ever done anything life-altering whilst drunk? Nah. I'm a pretty good drunk, mate. I'm just happy. You just fall a kip outside the Berlin clubs. Or be sick. Which one was it?

That one. Paul Blair fell asleep with me. He was sick. Yeah. Look, to be honest with you, I think the bye thing, as much as it is a cop-out, I think that is the way to go. i look to be honest yeah i think the bi thing as much as it is a cop out i think that is the way to go or to be honest with you even that's going to be like you are going to lose friends over this it might just be worth just being like just being straight just

being you know being straight in secret but then you're just like you know no you've let the lie go on too long like a camera save for a year for the camera you you cannot say i was pretending to be gay for the last year because i was too afraid to tell people you can't say that as a sentence you have to say now i'm actually bi and then put the building blocks in place no i think you just go in a straight you go like mom dad i'm straight yeah the dad will be like not in my house get up there get in that wardrobe like you don't you might suggest you might have suspected something when you caught me watching moto gp on my own oh just stick to the cock no because if you

don't like then it don't matter how much no it's like wine isn't it no one likes wine for like three years yeah just what just i didn't like i didn't like gu No one likes wine for like three years. Yeah. Just what? Just like smelling a cock around the house? I didn't like Guinness. I didn't like Guinness until I tried it in Dublin. So fuck someone in Dublin. Yeah, where's the gayest place? Yeah, the Irish cocks have a better head on them.

I thought about, like, when I came out of my last relationship, I thought, all right, 35 now, maybe I could try noshing someone off. Did you actually? Yeah, I did. Really? Yeah, I thought, do you know what? Who would you think about noshing?

If it had to be a comedian, which one would you suck off? Ooh, good question. And why is it me? I honestly can't tell you how hairy I imagine your dick to be. Mine? Yeah. So I've never chewed my pubes. That is horrific.

Yeah, yeah. You've never chewed your pubes? I bet your house looks like a fucking fat shrew. Never. Yeah, it looks like a Rastafarian's head down there. I bet your pubes look like a Magna Doodle gone mad. I'm so gutted that I was right about what your cock looks like why because does it look like your face it looks like you know you know you get those like old stray dogs that have got matted fur it's like that can you comb your pubes. I think he needs a throw comb.

Have you got like long... No, no, no, no, no. Struggly. What? Struggly. But like if... Say I was to pick you, which I wouldn't. I think we'd have a good time.

Especially now. Yeah, especially now. No, I still wash my dick. What are you doing with your dance? Looks like you're eating a Subway. Yeah, but I imagine he's like... I have I still wash my dick. What do you do with your dance? Looks like you need the Subway. Yeah, but I imagine Izzy's like, like sort of- I have got quite a wide penis.

It's like an old, like mega drive cartridge of a cock. Oh. Yeah. Put it in that. It's like you were dipping it in soy sauce. That's putting it in the machine. So if I was to chong you off With my mouth

You're telling me that up the shaft is pubes What do you mean up the shaft Have you got a hairy cock Oh no no no the cock itself Is fine Yeah but what are we talking fine Like bare bare So you do trim it you do sort it out

No you don't get any shaft hairs You're telling me the hairs know to stop at the balls Yeah, but what? We're talking fine. Like, bear? Yeah. So you do trim it. You do sort it out. No. You don't get any shaft hairs. No. You're telling me the hairs know to stop at the balls? I don't get shaft hairs. What? No.

I thought he was mad to get them. Is that a common thing? I get shaft hairs. You get shaft hairs? Yeah. Every now and then. No, I don't get shaft hairs. Yeah.

Oh, that's weird. Yeah, shaft hairs. It's not weird. You're weird. Like a yam. Yam fest. Naughty boy. Who are you sucking off, Brennan? Out of all the comedians, who would I go for?

Who's quite a fit one? Just off the top of my head. Milo. Milo would get it. Rob Roush, Jimmy McGee. Chris Martin, he'd have a go. More interesting question. You actually thought about this?

Yeah. Yeah. What brought this on? I just thought, you know, everyone's getting into it. Not even for like comedy. Everyone. Everyone I know. All of? I just thought, you know, everyone's getting into it. Not even for like comedy. Everyone. Everyone I know. All of them.

Like 2022, you think. You treat dick like Ozark. Everyone's getting into it. Also, I asked you who's the he was sucking and you gave me a list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as well, he said Chris Martin really quick, didn't he? Chris Martin. Chris Martin, yeah.

Yeah, Jimmy McGee. How long did you think about this for? Couple of months. Couple of months. You thought about maybe fucking a man? I just thought like maybe just going on a date with a man. Yeah. Just like change your Tinder settings.

Yeah. See what I'm asking. Yeah, but I don't- Sorry, your sexuality to most people, and you joke about this on stage, this is serious for a sec. Yeah. You certainly present it as ambiguous.

Yeah. Yeah. But you've always been straight. Yeah. Nothing but puss the entire life. But men are like, what the fuck was that? Pussy buffet? Jesus Christ.

It was the way you were pushing him into your mouth. Have you ever had a gay experience? No. Have you? Oh yeah, Kevin Spacey. And then loads of people who have tried to bum me The thing is with men is that sexually we're more binary Right So women can sort of like flirt with bisexuality And sort of have an experiment

And then go back again Yeah it'd be really weird if me and you When we were drunk just had a little Exactly for most straight men, if you suck a dick, it doesn't matter if you never suck a dick again, you're a bit gay.

Do you know what I mean? Like, it's done. We're all a bit gay though, aren't we? No. Yeah, we are. Can I get clips out of this episode,

by the way? Sorry, there's no clips next week. None. You think we're all a bit gay? Yeah. You reckon sexuality is a genuine spectrum

and no one is 100% one way? You're not 100% straight. No, if it's a spectrum, there has to be people're not 100% straight. No, if it's a spectrum, there has to be people who are 100% straight. No, but you're not. Because there's a way that I could get my widge in your bum. No, do you know what? Do you know who Chris DiStefano is?

He's a comedian from New York. Right. He's a brilliant comic, and he's a great podcast comic as well. He's really funny on podcasts as well as his stand-up. And he said something on his appearance on Your Mum's House a while back that I rarely identify with, which is I don't think there's 1% of my sexuality

that is gay. I'm not in any way attracted to men at all, but I do fall in love with men. Like, I love me mates and want to be around them. But gay is just not sexual, is it? It's the way he said it, and you'd have to watch it. I was like, I identify with that a lot. So that's the 2%.

Friendship exists. But a relationship is that plus sex. Yeah. But it's not, because some people just don't have sex, do they? I'm asexual with men and all about the pussy. Isn't pussy a horrible word in the English accent I love it

pussy when you say it we say it if you say it like Zach Dinglewood then it's awful pussy pussy

yeah so when we fucking have you had the gay experience never nothing ever no

he doesn't look like he has I think he does look like he does like us though yeah okay what do I look like I've done with another man Brennan no no

let's talk about this what I need a woman's body and that was the moment we knew we were in love I had one year when I was on the bungee at manfest one of the gayest grave diggers like he reaches around behind and they just do it together yeah i think you've probably pissed on a man i i would do that but not in a gay way

there's no other way yeah just in hate you hated someone and you had the opportunity to piss on them i wouldn't be against that it's a bit it's one percent gay that it's not one percent gay all right two percent then it depends how you do it if you do it with evil in your eyes i think that's three percent gay if you do it with evil in your eyes so where dan's going let's go i feel like my career's ending My balls are burning Is someone talking about me Can we have another question

Please We're never being asked This is the last question You can both Come on every week Have a word Oh to have a word Press to have a word

It's time to have a word I improv this song I'll go with that Do you want to turn it off Do you know in all my time Of coming on air I've never done to have a word with Heather and Dave. I improv this song. I'll go with that. Do you want to turn it off? Do you know in all my time of coming on air, I've never done a have a word? Have you not? Never.

Fair sign for everything. Can you have a word with my wife? She thinks it's weird that when I go for a shit, I take my pants and trousers off. What? Let's have a word with this guy. I know lots of people who get fully naked no matter where they are for the poo. Whoa.

Hey, hey. I say not a word, either of you, for the next five minutes. Listen now. No, my old manager, I won't say where. I won't say man or woman. It's a man. Fully naked.

No woman's getting into it, so it's over shit. It's been took as fuck. Taking the bra off. Even in work, he would get head to toe naked. He wouldn't. Where's he putting his clothes? No.

No. No. No. No. He'd hang them on the back of the door. Don't break it. We've only got six left. Are you asking us to believe that you worked with somebody

that unbuttoned his shirt to have a shirt? Where's he putting his clothes? On the hanger on the back of his head. He might have left his shoes on. Socks. You, you can go fuck yourself, by the way. Wait, wait. You told me I was weird for taking me coat off to have a shirt.

I think about you. No, I agree. No, you did not. You get me mixed up. Cause I do the same thing. You can't shit with your coat on. You get it on the coat. You get me mixed up.

I agree. You've got to take your coat off. Every time I go for a shit and I've got a shirt on or what I think of you because you brought that up and I thought me too. Like about two days ago, I thought I'm going to take my jacket off. And as I was on the shit. You've got to.

I'll leave my t-shirt and vest on. But I'll put like an over shirt on the jacket. Whoa. On the door. Reverse the cup. Vest. Yeah, sometimes I wear vests. Underneath the top.

Yeah. What? Like Tony Soprano. It's when he's bathing a woman. Or a fucking primary school kid. Sometimes I just wear like a white vest instead of a t-shirt. That's when he's eating beans on toast. If you're only going to see that bit anyway, it doesn't matter, does it?

It just means my arms are free. You wear a white vest? Yeah. You? Yeah. We're a white vest. He doesn't. He doesn't do it.

It's a better world when he does. It's a better world. It's a better world. But does. It's a better world. But I take my coat off for the shit. You don't get mixed up. Right, okay. A person I used to work with, I won't say his name,

used to get fully naked for the poo. Right. So how do you know? Socks. He told us. Socks. I doubt that. Probably keeps his shoes on.

He pants off. Shoes. He keeps his pants off. His shoes. He takes his pants off and then puts his shoes back on. By the way. Me. Tie them up. That just doesn't happen at all.

Imagine as he's pushing him on the thing. I wish there was a less awkward way to do this. He'd take his shoes off first. Imagine walking past the cubicle at work and seeing socks, shoes, bare ankles. I've got socks on my bare ankles. What are you doing, John? None of your business.

Yeah, his name wasn't John. His name was Phil. It was actually his name. Just because I've had it up to here with this. It's true. You're not lying, are you? No. So you're a man that would strip naked

or as naked as a man could be to have a poo. I wouldn't do it. Right, okay, so what was his rationale? We never asked. We laughed like this. Because if he says... What?

What? Are you talking about? Wait. Wait. Wait. You're telling me you wait a minute. You're telling me your manager, a man called Phil, told you that he gets completely bollock naked

and you had no questions? No, we all went, oh my God, why? And he was like, probably said, I think it was cleanliness or something, or he feels like- No, that's dirtier. That's dirtier. I bet it's not an uncommon thing.

Comment below if you take your full clothes off. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. What, do you think he should get poo on his tie? Like, why is he taking his, what's he doing when he shits? Didn't have a tie on, worked in a bar. What's a bar? He got fully naked, wait.

He used to get fully naked for the poo. And you went, interesting, Phil. Yeah, nice one. 200. I'm going to Google it. Do people get fully naked

for a poo? For some people, removing all of your clothing before pooing may seem strange, but for many others, it's completely natural and normal. First of all, you're not alone. There are many people who do this.

Oh, this would be something that people do in, like, Nepal or some stupid country. It was in the New York Post. What? Yeah, it was in the New York Post. Do you know how reliable the New York Post is? To quote the comedian John Mulaney, the New York Post is like someone heard the news and they're trying to give you the gist.

It's all over the internet. Is it? Yeah. Oh well if it's all over the internet. I didn't leave something from a tweet before because he'd read it. People poo naked and he did. Get over it. When we're on, as soon as I was talking about poo, when, I mean I don't know if you've ever come across it. So do you stand or sit when you wipe your ass?

Both. I both. Yeah, me too. But I, no, so I wipe my ass and get in the shower though. What, every time? Yeah, Carl doesn't poo anywhere but his own bathroom. So you shit every, every time you shit, you have a shower directly afterwards?

Yeah. Do you know what you're doing to the environment? Hang on. So I think it was Sloss who said this. Do you know if you have your poo on your arm i gave you a piece of paper to wipe it off would you go for a meal so that's that's that's how they feel about it in asia anyway exactly yeah so just buy a bidet they're quite expensive to get plugged in really not they're like 50 quid no i want a good one well a good one oh yeah because

your ass deserves the best it does have you never used washlet? That's your man's saying. Have you never used washlet? So you do dry first because it's wet. And then when it gets dry, you use a washlet, but you stand up. No, I get in the shower. I wipe and then I get in the shower and make sure I'm all clean. Because I don't want poo all over me bum. Is that Shakespeare?

I got one poo all over me bum. Is that Shakespeare? I'm not the only one who showers after the poo by the way. Definitely not. That's, it's a lot. It's a lot. This has been a lot. Look at his face, he looks hungover. Cause I shit about five times a day.

What? Your energy bills would be extortionate. Five? I shit about five, I've had four today so far. Fuck off. It's half three? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had three before 11 o'clock.

What? How did you wake up? It was about half eight. You had three shits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'd had three shits between eight and 11, I'd be in A&E. Yeah.

I would, I'd have to go, because I think my body's falling apart. I mean, usually, to be honest with you, I'll have two or three in the morning, but I've had four this morning. Why don't you just all consolidate them into one daily shit? You mean drinking paint?

What? I drink a lot of coffee. I drink about five or six cups of coffee a day. That'd be why then. If I drink one coffee, I'm shitting through the eye of a needle for six weeks. Yeah, yeah. And I only, I buy really,

the coffee that I get off the internet is so strong that sometimes I'm mid-corp and I need a shit and I have to stop everything and shit if i have a kfc i can literally set a 47 minute timer and i'm going to poo really what an edinburgh show what an edinburgh show he has a boneless banquet at the beginning and that is just a fucking race freddy stop buying that coffee no i like it because it's strong i like a strong coffee how fat would i be if i didn't shit five times a day do you have strong coffee or a weak arsehole i just can't decide i think both yes i was like years of going to man first was that really real by the way now that we're uh yeah past it it wasn't was it as far as i'm concerned what should this wife do about his uh husband taking her pants pants off oh yeah remember that

the podcast he takes his pants i didn't need to be here so i just let them go i honestly didn't need to be here um he's the weird one take fully pants off like you take your pants down don't you so much difference taking them off. No, because your shoes have to come off too. And also, that's even weirder in a way than someone getting completely naked because he leaves his T-shirt on. He looks like Winnie the Pooh.

Why do you think he's called that? He needs a poo. Right, look, I can't do any more. I can't do any more. I can't do any more. My head's hot. I don't know how red I look, but I feel like the Japanese flag. Okay, we'll call it a day.

Freddie, just tell everyone where they can find you and your podcast. Dead Men Talking. If you search for Dead Men Talk pod on any social media, it'll come up. And Dead Men Talking is on all of the podcast platforms and YouTube as well. On the dark web.

What, sorry? It's probably on the dark web as well. Probably on the dark web as well. Check it out. Listen to a couple of episodes. All right, that's enough. Brendan, where can we find you? I mean, I reckon after this episode, probably the job center. I'll be the job center, Ashton Underline. Where can we find you?

I mean, I reckon after this episode, probably the job center, I'll be the job center, Ashton Underline. I'm going to the Fringe and then doing a tour. So I'm doing UK tour, going to the Edinburgh. And you're back in a couple of months to sit on the couch. Yeah, so I'll come back on my best behavior with you and Daniel and no more costumes.

Absolutely. I, yeah, we've got music coming from Finn and we've got less than a thousand tickets left for the show at the Arena on Friday the 9th of December and once they're gone there are no more to add. That is completely sold out. Ticketquartet.co.uk

or gigsandtours.com and Friday the 9th of December, have a word live at the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. Lots of surprises lined up for that. That will be announced over the coming months, and a few that won't be announced, because, you know, surprise you on the night. I am going to be in Dubai Friday the 5th of August,

if you just search Adam Rowe, 5th of August, Dubai. It's actually at the Word of Mouth Comedy Club, Affiliates Fogs, if you want to come and see me in Dubai. And that's pretty much it. Apart from, if you're an audio listener, you get a song. If you're on YouTube, we can't give you that because of copyright stuff. But Finn, who's this week's featured artist? What is their song called?

This week's featured artist is a band called Casino. This tune's called Back in the Day. If you've got a musician friend, you're a musician, and you want your song shouted out, then finley at haveawordnetwork.com. Wonderful. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming in, gentlemen. I've got a headache from laughing so much. Yeah, ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous. An absolute filth fest. And I hope you enjoyed it. And even if you didn't, fuck you. You'll enjoy next week. Well, back in the day I was just thinking About the games we played And all I remember

Is all the good times And the long goodbyes But I tried so hard And I could not believe my soul Tried so hard But the devil wouldn't let me go And the world Keeps on changing

And the truth is all I've found And the world keeps on lying But the truth is all around Well, back on the yard, we were just dreaming of the things we want All in it together, nothing but time to watch the world go by. But I tried so hard and I could not relieve my soul.

Tried so hard, but the devil wouldn't let me go. And the world keeps on changing. And the truth is all I've found And the world keeps on lying But the truth is all I've found It's all a brawl Tried so hard And I I could not believe my soul Tried so hard and I, I could not believe my soul. Tried so hard, but the devil wouldn't let me go.

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