Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #184 with Hayley Ellis - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 7, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me so popping testicles actually is the best phrase to use on testing a mic popping testicles sir turker all all in there the human torch was denied a bank loan okay good that's not a good one that was like like AI Carl just... The human tortuous...

Popping testicles is the way to test a microphone. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because of the sounds you're making within that sentence. Yes. And do you know where I learned that? Real. I know Finn's not here today, but real.

When I went to do a gig at the Real Pavilion. Oh. Yeah, the old sound tech was like, say, popping testicles. Maybe you saw the thing. Maybe that sounds like his thing. Dirty Northwellian sound tech. Yeah, the old sound tech was like, say, popping testicles. Maybe you saw the thing. Maybe that sounds like his thing. Dirty Northweilian sound tech. Yeah. Good, see it.

See it. Good. See popping testicles. Popping testicles. Wow. I was trying to do Northweilian that sounds Icelandic. Popping testicles. I don't know why I did that.

Who did it first? No. How long did that take 90 seconds oh literally welcome to have a word adam rowe is in the united arab emirates he is and he has been mistaken for a local 12 times yes and he's like i don't know actually don't have taxis do they and don't have no sorry yeah that's because they're all driving here they only have taxis they don't have taxis do they sorry they're all driving it here they only have taxis they don't have any fucking transport do they in Dubai? I've never been

because we're going so we're going for the UFC in October so we thought we'll get the bus or the train from our hotel there's no public transport no public transport and I get it so what I thought you said was they only have taxis, they have literally no other transport.

Transport. They famously have 20 pence a litre fucking fuel and like children get gifted, oh, it's your 16th birthday. You need the hummer. Happy birthday. No, go ride it around. Mow down the peasants.

That's how they celebrate. There's no peasants. Sweet 16, isn't it? Adam's there. Yeah, well,ow down the peasants that's how they celebrate sweet 16 innit Adam's there Adam would fit into that psyche so well if he was an Emirati prince he'd be unbearable right wouldn't he

he already is unbearable imagine that with like billions of dollars in your bank account where you can buy football clubs. Oh yeah. There's an invasion of something. It'd be horrific. I don't think anything would change

because he couldn't be arsed. He'd just have more like, I don't know, vibinas in his fridge. And he'd have someone to give them to. If he went to Adam and invaded that country, he'd be arsed. No, but if you got him on hyper-focus, I mean, he goes someone to give him to. I don't think... If you went to Adam and made that country, he'd be like, happy ass. No, but if you got him on hyper-focus... Oh, yeah, then...

I mean, he goes three countries over. Yeah. He'll do them all. Adam's in the United... It's Dubai. It is an emirate, isn't it? It's a United Arab Emirate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The UAE's the country. Dubai is the... They're like principalities, aren't they? Principalities, yeah. He's gone over to do a gig... A gig. ...and get a week's holiday out of it basically

which he is regretting though because it's the start of August because he's on his own and he's in a northern and he's in Dubai yeah right

an Emirati oven yeah I mean hang on you know he's not it is hot but everywhere you if you don't want to be in the hot they've pretty everywhere you If you don't want to be

In the hot They've pretty well Sort of You don't want to be In the hot If you don't want to be In the hot You can be in the cool

Yeah I can But it's in the hot In a country where You can't really drink Like openly You can't be drunk in public It's illegal to be drunk You can be shit faced

In your hotel though Yeah you can be shit faced In your hotel But that's not a fun Thing to do On your own That's not Anthony Bourdain shit

then you'd kill yourself oh god so Adam hope you're enjoying this episode but he's that bored he's just doing Q&A's and fucking lives

constantly I get it and he regrets it but well in his place we did French exchange student he went over

to the UAE and we got the next best thing. Je m'appelle Ishan. Ishan Akbar. Ishan Akbar. Où est la bibliothèque, s'il vous plaît? Is that all you can say? Je voudrais un croissant.

No, mon français, c'est très bien. Take me to the library and get me a croissant. No, no, no. Or where is the library? No, no, no. I would like a croissant is what I said. Right. Or where is the library? No, no, no. I would like a croissant is what I said. Right.

Je voudrais... Je voudrais un croissant, s'il vous plaît. Oh, don't stop trying to do the fucking throw. Non, mon français, je ne sais pas. Mon français, je ne sais pas. Oui, oui.

Je voudrais... Le bibliothèque. Is that all you got? Croissant and fucking library. I can speak French. Okay, then say... No. What do you want to say?

No, sorry. Non. What do you want to say? Petrol prices are so high. The price of petrol? Ah! The price of petrol! Yes!

The price of petrol! Blah, blah, blah. Is it a elevator? Is it the price of petrol? Petrol? It's very... It's bonkers! It's bonkers! Oh, why? Crazy! It's very... It's bonkers!

Oh, why? Crazy! Ishan, you with the shit? No! Bullshit? I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that.

I talk about that. That's Italian? I'm a European citizen. Not anymore, son. Hey, you might have five passports. You didn't have an EU one. Oh, man. Brilliant French.

Throughout the episode, we will do learning French with Ishan. Karl will come up with a sentence. Oui. Le pop du testicule. Le testicule du sentence. Oui. Le pop de testicule. Le testicule de pop. Ping de pop le testicule. Sorry, go on. That's racist.

Have you got more than one passport? No, I've got one. British. Great British passport. One great British maroon coloured passport. Yeah. None of this blue shit. It's black, isn't it? I need to apply for a blue one.

Do they exist now? What's a blue one? Is it blue? Is it? I don't know. I think they're blue. They're black. Are they black? The't it? I need to apply for a blue one. Do they exist now? What's a blue one? Is it blue? Is it? I don't know. I think they're blue. They're black. Are they back to black?

The new, we've left the EU passport. I thought they were meant to be blue. Yeah. Oh, shit. I don't want a blue passport. That was part of the connection. Blue, black, black. Colourblind, mate.

Sorry. Have they gone back to black? I don't know. I don't see colour, apart from in people. They do say, once you go black. What? What? You've lost your wife. Can't say once you go black... What? What? You've lost your wife.

You can't rejoin the free market. Are they black? Oh, well. Are they? They are black. Thank you. I've got three black passports, my original passports. You've got three passports?

Bangladesh. No, no, no, as in British passports. What? Why have you got three passports? From birth. Yeah. From birth to now, I've had five, four British passports What? Why have you got Three passports? From birth Yeah From birth to now I've had five

Four British passports All maroon No Three black One maroon Right Cool I thought they'd been

Maroon for ages No When you When I was born in the 80s They were black Oh Alright cool cool cool Didn't know that

Yeah Do you genuinely have Passports for Pakistan and Bangladesh? No. No, okay. Why? I'm sure you could with your heritage, couldn't you? I could, but I don't want them. Okay.

Because you saw what happened with Shamim and Regan. Right. I'm obviously going to do something that is going to be unacceptable to British people. You're going to suck someone off from Al-Qaeda. I probably have done. You're sorry, you're worried if you have a passport. It could have happened today. It could have happened already.

I don't want the passport. I'm going to be so easily groomed. What's Ishan doing in North Pakistan with his ass out? Let me see your work, work, work, work. I never got nonced. But if I did, I would be such an easy target. Because I'm a people pleaser, aren't I? Stop.

Stop. So if someone was trying to tell anyone. I wouldn't tell. I'd be like, don't worry. You can just stick it in my mouth. Oh, no. What's he trying to do? That Catholic church again.

We're not even Catholic. I know, but he keeps going down every Sunday. He wants to be an altar boy. He's asked for a cassock a little too tight. I think I'd be so easily nonced. Trying to join in on someone else's nonsense. Father. Father.

Father. What have you done with him? Can I join in? Oh God. A lot of people suffered though, you know? Yeah, sorry. You are a people pleaser. I know exactly what you mean.

Laura said that to me recently. She went, you really like being liked, don't you? It's my biggest flaw. What? Being a people pleaser. See, it's not- And me impatient. I don't think it's about being my biggest flaw what being a people pleaser see it's me impatient i don't think it's about being like me fucking now yeah i know i don't think it's about being like because i rub people up the wrong way all the time it's it's less about being liked

it's more just i'm so easygoing so like whatever is we'll do. I could end up in a 15-man orgy just because I didn't want to say no. Now, these are different things. I get it. The peer pressure thing is something I have to be very aware of because if I hang around with enough people that are doing one thing eventually i'm such a little so i've always said social chameleon like i always that's what we're doing not forever yeah but like like i'm trying not to do coke if i hang around with loads of people doing coke it's 45 minutes i'll be like yeah come on then And that's why I was always careful

When we were going out clubbing That who I was Like There was a couple of parties That went a bit weird And I was like It's just not a good influence Because I knew that about myself

I'd be like That will go that way I won't be like Hey guys That's not cool Could you be peer pressured Into like a 15 man gangbang That's a different thing

Is it why It's slightly different But no Is it I'll? It's slightly different. But no, is it? I'll just peer pressure someone. Oh, where are you going? Come on. Get your arseholes.

But surely you build up to the 15 gay guys who want to gangbang you. You know? As a straight... So when we were clubbing, I saw there was a couple of parties where I could see the behaviour getting a bit murky. So I sort of stepped away a little bit. As a straight lad,

as a young straight lad, how are you going from here? Well, one minute we were in Yates's having a pint, and then I went, pint of lager top, and then all of a sudden, I was at a gay sauna,

going, like, so I don't, yeah, mate, I know what you mean, but I don't know how you get yourself in the situation where you're with

very sexually aggressive gay dudes, like, 15 on one. I think maybe this is my way of saying I've recently had a gangbang with a girl Ishan's rugby tour

will be released on our Patreon gotta make it gotta make it monetisable yeah yeah I could see it you've got gay friends though

I do have gay friends yeah you've been gay clubs I've been gay clubs I've kissed four men. I believe that. What? Why do I make you laugh so much? The fact that you come to the public.

This is the number. Four. It's the number. It's four. This is the... I don't know. Why is that? What's happened?

I thought you were joking for a second. I didn't know. You completely went. Kissed four men, for a second. I thought you completely went. Kiss Foreman, looking for five. No, Kiss Foreman. Kiss Foreman. Are their names in your phone? In one night. Like a fucking, like some slag at a college do.

It started with Gavin. From Autoglass. Gavin, what was his surname? Yeah, Miss Edwards' son. Gavin Edwards, in school. Gavin Edwards In school Gavin Edwards He was gay I was Was he a sound tech?

Hang on When you say kiss Like snogged with tongue Okay but what led to that? So okay So with Gavin Basically I was Great question Kyle

I was like 15, 16 years old Hello Right And It was a boys school Until sixth form In my school Same Snap form in my school snap snap snap snap and snap and because i lived like half an hour away from all my friends in school it was kind of a

bit like i didn't really know that many girls all the girls i knew were my cousins right two of them we've covered this is this a is this a theme a guest host wants to show? Apparently. Anyway. Right. It's got a different tone though, hasn't it? What are you? Yeah. It seems. What kind of tone?

What kind of tone? Second, second racism thing that he's brought up. Oh, come on. Right. I don't think he meant skin tone. I meant tone deaf. Did you? They did.

I don't have any deaf cousins. It's me. You know? I thought... That's probably the most defensive thing that's happened. Oh, come on. No, I'm joking. Go on, so you wanted this... I'll get this boy a sneak.

But you ended up kissing one of your friends. No, so what happened was, 15, 16, I was like, hey, loads of people are talking about, like, gays and stuff. Am I that? I don't know. I love your internal monologue it's great hey you must have real trouble sleeping it won't come off ishan's inner thought hey everyone's talking about being gay and stuff Why don't you get sucked off by a man? Gavin, who was a boarder, I said to Gavin,

Hey! Internally? Those whores. Your mum and dad don't love you. Alex Lee. Alex Lee was a boarder. Are we doing all the names? We're doing all the names, are we?

Let's fucking message these people. So I said to Gavin, Gavin, you're gay. He goes, yes. I said, Let's keep going So I said to Gavin Gavin You're gay He goes yes I said I don't know if I'm gay And he goes Do you fancy me? I said well no

I don't think I do And he goes alright Let me snog you And see how you feel So he snogged me Nothing happened I didn't feel anything And then he was like

Anything? I said no And he said okay What about this? So he pulled his pants down And showed me his cock I tell you what G Gav, smooth move. You're not gay.

You fancy me? No. Well, what about this? That's my dick. That's my dick. Hang on. So you were trying to work out your hypothesis and you tried three more times.

No, no. The other three times were with gay friends of mine who'd been spurned in the evening by other gay men. And because they were sad... Spurned? Spurned. Oh. It's the very opposite of what you said.

Yeah. And because they were sad and I was drunk, I was like, well, I'll snog you. Oh, Christ, you are a people pleaser, aren't you? Come here, my sad little gay friend. Cool. So what you said last week,

has anyone had the gay experience and everyone said no? You've had multiple. I've had four, yeah. I've had four. Yeah, I've had the gay experience And everyone said no You've had multiple I've had four Yeah I've had four Yeah I've had a gay experience Have you? Yeah Have you actually?

Were you any last week though? I was a boarder Right Yeah Have you ever had a gay experience? Did you take your pants down In front of an Asian boy? Do you remember

We were talking about this Ages ago Go on I snogged a gay guy In a nightclub in Chelmsford. Well, in Chelmsford. Chelmsford was just really funny. This gay guy was like,

he was so gay. He wasn't like Gavin. All right, mate. You fancy me in this? Gavin. Hey, my mum and dad don't love me. What about my dick? He was proper straight-threading gay.

I'm not going home for Easter. Have you seen Harry Potter? I was going to say Harry Potter as well. Nice. So, I was in Chelmsford. I was seeing this girl who lived in New Malden New Malden

Essex she was working and her best mate was gay so she was working at a restaurant so we all went

in her best mate's car with another of her gay mates and off we went to the first no no not the first gay club I've been to

but yeah I was in Chelmsford and I was just like 19 20 years old And off we went to the first, no, not the first gay club I've been to, but yeah, I was in Chelmsford. And I was just like 19, 20 years old, maybe 21, in and around then. And just was like, ah, maybe, maybe I'll, this guy came onto me in the toilet. This is how old it was. I had like a Brokeback Mountain shirt, sort of, you know, like the cowboy check shirt. You're taking the piss. And this guy came up to me and went god look at you madonna oh from that video they're all good at flirting

aren't they the gays well and then he went in for a kiss and i was like i'll see what this is about what in the toilet and he was yeah and he was all stubbly and i was like yeah no men are actually bad kissers well of the four men i've kissed'm like, they don't know how to kiss me. I'm a good kisser. Right. I'm a very good kisser. I've practised for many years. Okay, good.

I'm four men. It feels like since you found out I've had a gay experience, you're like, but I'm a good kisser. Are you trying to sell yourself? And I'm a bit of a people pleaser. I will shave this beard off. If we come back from the first break and he shines freshly shaved.

Yeah, all red. Yeah, it was, just wasn't, I didn't enjoy it particularly. Yeah, I needed to die.

Four times. It just felt a bit weird. I didn't like this. Let's try again. Four times. Maybe it's like, it's like a new bit of material. Maybe you just need to,

no, but it wasn't even, people say you need to try a new bit five times. It wasn't even curiosity about it being gay. It it was literally those three friends of mine were sad they got spurned i was drunk and i thought right fuck it i'll just like olives isn't it you have to eat five olives before you like them that's true it's just so maybe there was a there was a fifth but i didn't snog back i was snogged by rob thomas oh everyone's been snogged by rob thomas right

well that doesn't count. Okay, fine. Have you seen a picture of Rob Thomas and me in the stag when he was trying to mount me? No,

can I just say, all, that doesn't count. Okay, fine, yeah, fine. Oh,

it doesn't count when you're just dicking around. Rob Thomas is a very large, like, straight, married,

like, lump of a man. And he just, when he's on stuff and pissed, he gets very large, like, straight, married, like, lump of a man. Yeah. And he just, when he's on stuff and pissed, he gets very like, bleh, bleh, bleh.

Very snoggy. So you got, you know, snog raped by Rob Thomas. That's my second rape story on the pod. Oh, me and Barry,

me and Barry have snogged, but only because we were playing gay chicken and I... Yeah, don't play nervous at Barry Dodds. Is that what, you call it nervous? Yeah. Right. Yeah, don't play with Barry. Yeah. Barry and I are too good at gay chicken and i yeah don't play nervous at barry dodds is that what you call it nervous yeah right

yeah don't play with barry yeah barry and i are too good at gay chicken to be playing gay chicken with each other no no one flinches we should play gay chicken no no no no no you're nervous right because even in front on a public episode everyone like all the lids like lads adam went away and he went proper fucking gay. No, because I don't trust myself. You know, Adam's dead competitive. When it comes to gay chicken, I'm too good. Okay.

It will end up with my cock in your ass and then no one's won. What a public episode that would be. I'm just a people pleaser. Everyone like, hey, I'll tell you what, Dan didn't back down. When he stuck his dick in Ishan's ass, he won. I mean, the pod is demonetized. How would they cancel that?

That would be so difficult for all the people. Oh, this is so, I find this so offensive. How is it offensive? We actually had gay sex. I don't know why. Right, we'll see. I reckon you should start playing Nervous throughout the episode.

We just start with a hand. No, that's not, no. It needs to be the, no, see? Welcome! Welcome to the Bengali Rangers. Number four. It needs to be the back. You need to put your back on the hand.

I've just got a new accountant. Yeah. I feel like I've just signed you for my football club. football club they're in trouble no it needs to be that you need to put a flat hand down he's put his hand on top right that's that's different no yeah that's better we can do that you and i do that all the time okay then just like beat the case just rest oh my god i just called you sensei. It's not going to work. I genuinely love the man. Yeah, no, I do.

I don't, I'm not going to, like, it. I just wanted to see who flinches first, where you go to. I'll go Gavin. I'll be like, oh yeah, here you go. Put it down, mate. Okay. I've never had the gay experience. I kind of want one now after you've talked about it. It sounds liberating.

For your arsehole, yeah. It's sounds liberating. For your asshole, yeah. It's not liberating. I had to buy this gay dude an orange reef. He was like, I was like, I'm not really gay. He's like, course you're not babes. Oh yeah. And then he went, you're buying me a drink. So I went and bought him an orange reef.

And then he took the orange reef and he went, mm-hmm. Yeah, Eamon is like that. The last guy I kissed, Eamon's like that. He can only- That's so Eamon. Eamon can only talk to you Like facing backwards Like Hi babes

Anyone Come on What are we doing What are we doing here What are you doing there Hey babes What are we doing How you doing babes

How far did number four go Oh we just snogged Oh right right From behind Is he an owl But that's the way he talks to her Carl Carl In this situation That was the way he talks to her. Carl.

Carl. In this situation, that was the most playful joke. It's so obviously a bumming thing. Carl turns into Noel Fielding. Is he an owl? Hi, babes. Because I was thinking,

I don't know if anyone else was thinking, fucking real owl situation. You've bummed an owl. Well, that was thinking, I don't know if anyone else was thinking, fucking real owl situation. You've bummed an owl. Well, that was a weird Harry Potter Christmas. No, but I just like the way you went, I'm not gay. Oh, I don't think I am, but if I'm talking about it, I'll try it. When I was 15, 16, yeah. Very progressive of you back then.

Well done. No, very progressive. Progressive dude. The first, when I was- Yeah, you were just a little dirty slut. That's all you are. There was that too. You're not progressive. you were just a little dirty slut that's all you are there was that too you're not progressive you're just a whore here's how progressive i was age 12 i remember i almost got beaten up at school for this you know everyone was like oh that's gay that's gay that's gay someone called me gay i was 12 years old and i didn't know why it was an insult

because one of my mom's best friends was a gay guy. Yeah. Right? So I had no idea. So when they were like, you're fucking gay. They didn't have that accent. He went to my school. Did you just do a what? Did you do another French exchange to Cardinal Heaton? You are so gay. You are.

You are like, how you say, the owl. You like the owl. You like the owl. Looking around saying, oh. The owl. You bomb me in the bibliothèque. That is what I call it. I have a lot of naughty literature. Shh.

You are in the bibliothèque. And where is, où est le piscine? Le piscine, le bibliothèque. Croissant. Put your croissant inside my baguette. You actually made that French racist. I'm just telling you now. It'd be pain au chocolat, surely. Honestly, one of those four better have been French.

None of them were French. I'm going to say that one again. Sorry. It'd be a pain au chocolat as well, surely. Full of shit. It would be painful because my cock's so big. Full of shit. Find the gap.

I did. You're all fucking jizz. No, no, no, no, no. Sometimes the gap's small. You're gonna thread the fucking needle. I'm talking about aiming. I said painful. Painful.

This is all getting clipped. I think we should start doing the clips of the bits that like click, click, click. I haven't got a clip yet by the way and we are 23 minutes. How have you not? That's bullshit. The owl?

The owl, the gay sex? The gay owl? I'm gonna struggle. What? Let's make the next big clip heavy. Are you saying... That's because I said find the gap. He's like, yeah, not enough clips here.

No, but then I'm collateral damage in that. Find the fucking gaps. You fucking make the clips. Then I'm collateral damage because you're saying it's a bad episode already. Oh, no, this is fire. But you've got to be careful about what you put on the internet, Ejian.

Why? Oh, yeah, because of... No, just you've got to be careful, haven't you? Okay, yeah, that's true. Shall I get my dick out? Okay. you put on the internet e-jean why oh yeah because of no just you gotta be careful haven't you okay that's true should i get my dick out um okay um i'm in i'm in a very good mood because i had lots of good straight sex last night oh nice oh clippable this is clippable clippable the gays don't clip straights clip go good good wholesome try try a new position whoa tried a new position no yeah no yeah with your lady wife yeah what was a vagina woman yeah what was the position it was

like a wheelbarrow but reverse shot what are you the wheel battle no what's she doing the crab and then you've got a leg yeah uh-huh yeah it was great she got a spinal injury you're trying to correct no but she does like her back cracked did it just go too far and i fucking cracked that back what in all seriousness she has a broken vertebrae um right that's that's the reverse wheelbarrow yeah now at the risk of making it number five Could you show me Could you show me I don't have the dexterity

So you're me Right Right And then my hands go behind my back So she She did She did a Top half crab

Yeah And you Just Went to Pleasure Town Went to Pleasure Town Or B&Q did a top half crab yeah and you just went went to pleasure town went to pleasure town or b and q wicks wow mad right that was what was the need for that just wanted to try something a bit different but did you did you say susan because i said so yeah i want to try something different I can see and she was like aye

I want to try something different as well yeah that's how she talks no because it just the passion took us because I was really going for it so her back was arching she was like

oh actually let's carry on arching the back it was on the bed yeah well you surprised me does it say a lot about you Ishan that I was way less shocked

that you'd snogged four men the fact that you and your partner who to be fair I haven't seen her you know she could you know I have she's lovely

I don't but I just you just don't look like a man who's knocking out reverse real I I am yeah I just You just don't look like a man Who's knocking out Reverse real I I Am

Yeah I like I'm good at sex I like it And I bought it Fucking hell You like your sex I am a god dad

Oh I do love sex though Yeah Just sit on my face Oh Christ Carl Is that clippable though yeah just sit on my face oh christ oh carl is that clipboard i haven't got one yet no i've got teasers for days we just we only make patrons now. Last month wasn't publicable. You stupid twat.

You fucking... What did I do? Right. Was that too gay? Was that too honest? Too honest for your car. Here's a fucking straight point. I love sex with ladies. I turned into a fucking Bernie Mac. Oh, I love sex With ladies Fucking Bernie Mac

Oh I love this thing I wish they put this shit in cans I'm about to give me some pussy Is there a sex move you've never tried that you'd like to go with Pegging Is that a sex move Well you know It's an advanced one

Okay You want to be the wheelbarrow You naughty girl Well, you know, yeah. It's an advanced one. Oh. Okay. You want to be the wheelbarrow? No. You naughty girl. Do you know what? All the things I've wanted to try, I've tried. Really, yeah?

Yeah. You ever tried the alligator fuckhouse? What the fuck is that? Oh. Sign on. There we go. Private browsing, please. No, we don't do that here, lad.

The alligator fuckhouse. A daring sexual manoeuvre. Mid-coitus, one person bites the neck of the other, locks their arms and legs down, and goes into a death roll, all while maintaining insertion like a downshifting car. Oh, dear. That's just a sex version of Fat Girl Rodeo.

I don't understand what that is. That is, isn't it? My Northern Irish mates at uni were like, you get on a bigger skirt, fucking grab her and go, you're a fucking massive, and then hold on. That's basically... The alligator fuckhouse.

That is... Once I remember trying... That sounds grim. Once I remember trying... As does Fat Girl Rodeo, by the way. Once I remember trying a standing 69, but our partner's back is quite long, so her face was just between my knees.

Was it Amir Kaz? What? What's his name? Amir Kaz? Logistically, it didn't quite work. Amir Kaz. Right. How long is This is stuff you never expect

How long's Susan's back? She's got quite Susan's back is quite long She's got She's very torso Yeah Is she very tall? No

She's very torso Very torso heavy Right, okay, cool How long are her legs? Just look Itty bitty Tann Lee Davis and then

another clip yeah there's another one right there yeah yeah Tom Regalsworth with Tanya Lee Davis's legs that is so funny that's really funny

alligator fuck house fucking hell I've never heard of that before wow no I know yeah any funny sex positions Alligator fuckhouse No I've never heard of that before No I know Yeah any Funny sex positions There we go

Sorry couldn't find any Alex Bifty what's a bifdle Pumpernickel fuck Yeah go on What's a pumpernickel fuck A doggy style sex position But both of y'all are mad at each other

And still wanna fuck I really feel like A lot of these are just... Spaghetti cowboy, what's that? Spaghetti cowboy. When you're having anal with a doggie's position and you pull out, put spaghetti and meatballs in a bottle and then continue to... No, no.

And then eat the spaghetti out of it, asshole. That's amazing. Triceratops? Triceratops? Triceratops. Again, doggy on the bed. You're under her with a finger in the anus. Yeah, done that. You're wanging her thang

and a hand in her mouth mimicking the great triceratops. I've done that. Fuck off. I've done that before. The great triceratops. Haven't you done the dipolodocus with her fucking spine?

It's just so long every time she comes in the bedroom here's susan that's slow just a glass next to the tables yeah neighbors are fuming because all the foliage has gone off the tree. Susan! Stop eating the neighbour's tree! Ah! I can't reach!

There's a clip. It's funny to see behind the fourth wall curtain wall, but there's a clip. It's funny to see behind the fourth wall, curtain wall, but there is a clip. The fourth wall, curtain wall. I think it's other people involved for me. That's where,

I don't, That's what you want to go to? Hey, positions, positions, positions, you know? Well,

as in, there's, there's, there's, there's basically three that work. Everything else is a bit of a fuck around Missionary Missionary Doggy

Doggy Are you eyes closed? What? Are you eyes closed? Actually my eyes go wider I close one eye Honestly Why?

Like a pilot To get perspective Yeah Because you're painting her at the same time Yeah No are you eyes closed Missionary or are you No I'm eyes

I'm eyes wide open Like oh fucking Brilliant That's because I'm so chuffed I'm like Have you ever faked passion? What? Have you ever faked passion?

Never with my wife Really? Faked passion or faked Faked passion Have you ever faked passion? What? Have you ever faked passion? Never with my wife. Really? Faked passion or faked the... Faked passion. Have you ever been like, oh, yeah, fucking yes. Sorry, do my voice again. My voice, wanna? Oh, fucking yes.

Fucking Jordy. Oh, fucking Laura. Fucking great. I fucking love this. You've nailed that Lancashire accent. Ah, Jesusire accent Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Hello my name's

Dan Nadingill Welcome to the Big Brother house I'm like a fucking Geordie Bush baby What do you mean As in Do you know what I mean

Like you've made more Noises to make Well aren't you meant To fake it But you're meant To get involved So she's like And you're like

You're like You've done that Real 100% You're meant to get involved. So she's like, and you're like, you're like, oh. You've done that real 100%. That was too good to have never been. Right. And then you did what? Then you're there going, oh, that was so good. And all you're thinking is,

cut me arse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you being the people pleaser, isn't it? I'm asking you. All you're thinking is cut me arse yeah yeah yeah that's you being a people pleaser isn't it I'm asking all you're thinking is not as good as Gavin I'm just asking if you've done that

I've faked an orgasm how what how I've faked an orgasm how just a year

like with one of my first girlfriends I was just like I just can't just we were just bonking all the time. It was probably like the second bonk or third bonk of the night or weekend or whatever.

Yeah. And I think we were just doing it for the, you know when you're skint and you're young and you're more horny than you are. Like you've got. Solve them. Yeah. We had debts and a hard on. It's the working class way yeah yeah we basically just stayed in

at hers and her mum was always out and no one was bothered like we just bonked loads i think there's one time i was like i regret starting this can't be bothered and i maybe i got the sense that she was as also i was like oh i don't want to see that but where did you do it no but how do you fake coming though as you fake the you got to spray some water to make it feel like yeah i did yeah yeah i sprayed some water that's yeah i had a bottle of highland spring yeah sorry sneak We're not using your products for this Use code Highland10 And I went Oh Oh Like that

And she was like Wow you're squirting I was like That's so much I love you Oh But that's a key part Of men orgasming Yeah it is

This bit Yeah but not for the third time In a weekend I think You know I think she doesn't sound Very smart Does she

It doesn't to be fair Have you made the happy time I was like Yeah Like She a dancer We're going to make We're going to make

Flowers today I don't understand How you fake an orgasm I just faked it I went I'm going to make flowers today. I don't understand how you fake an orgasm. I just faked it. I went, oh, there you go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Every woman you've made love to is like, right.

Thank you for making love to me. Let me see the excrement. Stop saying excrement. Because then she'll check, won't she? Ejaculate. Ejaculate, yeah. yeah yeah Well yeah she'll check Or What do you mean check

Or like you pick up the condom Yeah if it's in the You know What the fuck is Yeah that's weird What's she an independent Adjudicator No no because

You've come Right And you take the condom off And you're wrapping it Or whatever There's cum in there Right So if you're faking the orgasm

Why are you Why are you talking wait she's like right no no you you no no you hang on let me get my pipette like checking the counterfeit no she's sada what are you talking about you know you come you sad you you come what it's just a joke i missed it i'm so sorry i missed it he said sada yeah i said no it's you sada and you went you come i don't know it's you sada okay yeah it's behind the fourth wall catamaran clip it that was a clip like i don't i think okay i want to know were you wearing a condom with this woman I don't think so Okay So if you weren't

Wearing a condom At that point Surely There is going to be Some dampness Around the area Oh there was Oh not mine though

No okay I think Maybe It was Sorry did you come in here Sexy No you sawed her I think maybe it was. So did you come in there? Oh, no, you saw the,

um, uh, this is literally 25 years ago. Yeah. I think it was just, there was like a, I think she was complicit in the lie. Okay.

I think it was like, ah, and she was like, ah, yeah. You know, like, let's just get off. Let's just the lie. Okay. I think it was like, and she was like, oh, yeah. You know, like, let's just get off. Let's just... Right, okay.

Ishan, how would you react if you found out a lady you've been with had faked an orgasm? Would you care? No. Yeah, I think... I wouldn't care,

and also it's never happened. To your knowledge. No, it's never happened. I wouldn't care. I once made a woman come so hard, she had to see a therapist about it afterwards. I'm not joking. I promise you.

I went to her place. She did some weed gummies. We started making out. But it was your sex that sent into therapy. Not the drugs. No, she did some weed gummies. We started making out. But it was your sex that sent into therapy. Not the drugs. No. She's just in weed gummies. We started having sex.

And honestly, I made her cum so hard. The next morning at 11.30, she messaged me. She said, I've just had to leave my therapist to work out what happened last night because it was so good. Right. Cool. Was it a physical effect or mental? Was her leg still going? It was like,

so what have you been working on today, Becky? She's like fucking thumper. No, both. I don't know what I did, but whatever I did was incredible. Parts plus sex equals the best sex, by the way. Yeah, yeah. All right, Finn.

No, I had some brownies in Amsterdam and it heightens it. Who are you there with, Adam? Fuck, yeah. Shag his head off. Who hasn't had a gay experience? Oh, I thought you meant in the UK. Obviously, when you're in the dam, you're in Adam.

Usada. Usada. No, Ishan. Yeah. No, we're having a break. Oh, why? Because I just want it to ruminate that you believe... No Ishan Yeah No we're having a break Oh Because Why Because I just want it

I want it to ruminate Yeah That you believe That you bonked a drug addict so hard She's not a drug addict Well She was doing drugs She did

One gummy One drugs Oh She did one drugs She did one drugs Yeah I don't believe I've got text messages

Oh Jeremy Kyle drugs yeah i don't believe i've got text messages oh jeremy kyle she's like i need a fix what of your cock of your cock well i don't understand that you and brennan turn up after doing this you know have a word podcast multiple times and you've always got something ridiculously new to say you've had insane lives yeah I'm 38

in two weeks I've done a lot I've done a lot with my life lovely buttery skin it's been weirdly sheltered and exploratory I wouldn't say your life's been sheltered

maybe up to a certain age but then it was sheltered for quite a bit. Well, yeah. Yeah, it was really sheltered when he was kissing lads. I hardly get up to anything. It's good to be... I kind of wanted to play gay chicken, but...

Just end the episode and I'll cut it. I don't want to spend money on therapy. I will make you come really hard. Oh, Lord. Not before my nan does. Break. Break. Let's talk about Nord.

Nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use promo code have a word. We really love being sponsored by NordVPN, the finest of all the VPN providers. Now, I wasn't an expert when we first got involved, but Ishan has taught me all about them. I love a VPN. Did you know VPN actually starts with a virtual private network?

And that's exactly what it is. It's a private network for you wherever you are in the world. You might be in Peru. You might be in Japan. you might be in japan you want to watch some dodgy porn not a problem you got a vpn you can access the website you need yeah and if you want to watch netflix but the show you've got is in america you can't get it on normal netflix get on nord vpn and then you unlock a whole load of international netflix grab your exclusive nord vpn deal by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word to get up to get

a huge discount off your nord vpn plan plus one additional month for free a free threat protection it's completely risk-free with nord's 30-day money back guarantee get onomo code, have a word. Nice one. Get on me. So, I have a preview this week at Sandbach. So, if you are in the Sandbach or Congleton area, North Staffordshire, South Cheshire. Sandbach, is that his name? Sandbach. Sandbach. Sandbach.

Sandbach. Sandbach. Sandbach. Sandbach, isn't it? Is that how you pronounce it? Tickets are just over a tenner. The is flying it's a big old room we've sold 100 tickets already appreciate the tits of you i just uh didn't want the preview to be empty and now it looks like it's not going to be and that's down to you lids two more previews to sell skipton at the end of the month, Saturday the 27th and also Wednesday the 31st,

Preston upstairs at what used to be the Corn Exchange. They're my last two previews that have got tickets beyond Sandbatch. And then it is

tour time and oh my god, that tour is going to fucking sell out. If you want tickets for my tour, you need to get them because it starts

in just a month in Belfast and goes dublin and then all around the fucking country you're gonna love that i can't wait i'm already in dublin it's gonna be it's gonna be amazing already loving um pre the previews great the first three were like i don't know how this show is gonna work and then everything since then people have come up to me and gone it's fucking ready and you're yeah, I'm previewing it a lot. I haven't done a tour in 20 years.

I'm going to land this. Danspreviews.com for Sandbach, Skipton and Preston. And then dannightingale.com for all the tour stuff. Thanks. I know if you've already bought tickets, you've been hearing about this for ages, but it is nearly here and I'm very excited about it

and you're going on tour Ishan I am going on tour February next year Liverpool has already pretty much sold out

and that's fucking right basically down to the lid so again thank you from the bottom of my heart where is hot hot water

hot water put another show on then do a Liverpool show inshallah we'll see I'm talking to promoters, yeah? If God wills it. If God wills, yeah.

So yeah, I'm on tour. IshanAqbar.com for all tour tickets. I'm in Edinburgh for two weeks. I've got to sell four and a half thousand tickets. Guess how many I've sold so far? Fifty! Fifty tickets. So if you're in Edinburgh, please do try and buy some preview tickets. Oh, lad.

What's your, what is it in Edinburgh? Is it a preview? Yeah, it's a work in progress tour. God's not helping me with that one, is it? No, no. In PR. How many shows is that? How many shows is 4,500?

I'm doing 180 seats over 12 days, 13 days. Wow. Right, okay, so if you're going to the Fringe, go and watch Eshaan. Yeah, come along, 8pm, Pleasantstone. Oh, we've got some plans for next year's Fringe, haven't we? We've got some plans for fucking ever. We've got some mental plans for next year.

Forever. Our plans are stupid. Forever, forever, ever. I'm only going to the Fringe now if we do some sort of short run where we take this whole monster and trundle it up

and then I'll do mine Adam and then we'll do this and that and then if you were there at the same time I'd suggest you'd sell more than 50 tickets I'd be there

if you guys were up there but the main thing is the tour come to the tour and we could rent a house together oh right no but you honestly the plan shit uh each and act by.com please buy tour tickets what's the tour called it's called the pretender the pretender yeah where's that come from that's a cool name isn't it what's the premise why it's called the pretender because it's a show about i mean mean it's mainly a funny show but the loose thread of it is that we're all

pretending we know what we're doing be it in our relationships and society Imposter syndrome? Not really imposter syndrome just that we survive by pretending

the world survives by pretending Yeah and that's what the premise of the show is Nice Alright Great

You previewed it a few times? Twice Both went really well actually Once in Blackburn? Were you Oh no I was on tour with Tez Elias Oh nice Yes for a week You previewed it a few times? Twice. Both went really well, actually. Once in Blackburn? Oh, no. I was on tour with Tez Ilyas. Oh, nice. Yes, for a week.

That was really good. Picked up loads of Muslim fans who then saw... It was really funny. I picked up loads of Muslim fans in the week, and then that weekend I went out and posted a picture of a Guinness and then lost quite a few Muslim fans. Up to 18,000 followers down to 60

yeah yeah yeah so that's been that's been interesting but yeah it's that's why I was there in Blackburn with Tez

oh nice good luck man thanks man fully deserved and it's it's great is this this autumn it's next February

oh so it's in the spring yeah it starts in February but I've got three biggish TV things coming up at the end of the year oh excited February. Oh, so it's in the spring. Yeah, it starts in February, but I've got three biggish TV things coming up at the end of the year. Exciting! Love Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be so good. That's what I call this. My Love Island.

Have you seen Big Brothers coming back next year? Holy shit. If they made Love Island with comedians. Oh, I thought you were just gonna say fat people. If they made Love Island with normal people. Just normal people. Yeah, I thought you were going to say fat people. It's the same thing. Just normal people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should do a Love Island. Have a word

Love Island. Come on. Yeah, we could just rent a villa out in Spain for a week. Come on. Yeah. In Mallorca or something. Oh my god. Do you think we could find Gavin online? Yeah, we could find Gavin. Without a shadow of a doubt. Yeah, let's do a Love Island. I'm going to be ecstatic about it.

I would love to do Big Brother. Would you actually? Yeah. No, I don't think you would. No, I don't think you would. Carl, you're pretty private. You're a very private dude. Yeah, but there's a way of doing it

where you don't have to just get your cock out on the telly all the time. But that's anything left to do. No, I reckon if we got two weeks in the space and recorded it all, it'd be fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. Yeah, maybe. I don't think you can hide your bullshit as well. I mean, we do fucking four hours of podcasting a week.

It's hard to hide your bullshit on this. mean we do fucking four hours of podcasting a week it's hard to hide your bullshit on this you guys yeah that's why i think some people don't suit this kind of podcasting they suit the old type of podcasting where it's like we do 45 minutes a week and we talk about medieval england yeah she's a comedian so it's fine we make it funny it's light hearted and you you can do it's like doing a set at a comedy club. This is different. This is so much air time. It's so much, it's not about anything apart from our opinions and what we think is funny and what we've been doing. I don't think you can hide the bullshit.

That's why I think some people come on here and get found out a little bit. Get found out very easily. Although two weeks, say you did a week and you just filmed everything and you had the CCTV style cameras up. You could do Patreon things where they vote you in and out. Yeah, and they could vote for tasks and shit like that. Yeah, it's so easy and funny to do. But you need someone to produce that though, don't you?

It is a good idea, but you need someone to come up with the idea. Don't let Adam be like, oh, I'm going to choose the tasks. There's four tasks. No, but I'm sure we've got a talented team now of like 15 people who could definitely produce it. Yeah. It's a great idea. All the ideas are now an option.

Our specials, we've planned our special till next June. And all of them are just game changing. We still want to do, this part of me wants to try and do the longest podcast ever. Yeah, and I was thinking about that today. I feel like we had... Oh, who are you, Mark Watson?

We had... But how well did that work out for Mark Watson doing the longest comedy show ever? Yeah, yeah. It worked out brilliant. He was already doing well, but it sort of, I feel like it turbocharged his career a bit.

Interesting, yeah, okay. The reason we didn't do it is because we couldn't get it verified as a Guinness World Record. But if we just do it anyway, as like a 40-hour pod, and we switch the teams up, we get guests. I think once we're in the new studio, longest podcast in history is something we need to look at.

BJ Poulter says, straightforward one here, Lids. If you could have any Guinness World Record what would it be and why which is why I thought the podcast I would love longest podcast in history to be there

with Have A Word not that we need the press but I also think the challenge of something like that would be fucking incredible I would love longest fake orgasm

with Highland Sprint. Just for four days. Just some dehydrated stegosaurus. With a doctor. She's on a drip. You have to stop squirting. For your own health, madam. No, fake orgasm.

Longest fake orgasm. Longest fake orgasm? Yeah. Isn't that just your singing? Wow. Wow. Hello. Number six.

Oh, no, come on. Number six. Before we started the pod, he said. No. No. Yeah, before we started the pod, he said, no. No. Yeah, when we started the pod, Dan said, can we not reference anything racist in this pod? And he chose six things.

I mean, I want to, you know. Who's counting? Here's something you need to know about Dan Nightingale. The last time I saw this man. No, please no. No. Why? Because it's funny No, please no. No. Why? Because it's funny.

No. No. No. No. No. Don't do it, mate. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't talk about things you don't want to know the reality about. Right. Okay. So last time I went out with this guy. The Brummie South African. Yeah. All right. All right, mate.

So basically. Welcome to Wisper. We went to Chester. We did the Chestermie South African. Yeah. All right. All right, mate. So basically, we went to Chester. We did the Chester's Comedians Club. We did the Comedians Club Chester, which the August date of August the 20th has already sold out for. We haven't plugged it online once. Look at that.

My comedy club in Chester is selling out. The next tickets available are September 24th, when I think we've got Finn Taylor headlining, which I'm fucking excited about that. And then November the 26th is Carl Donnelly.

I'm just booking the shows that I want to see. That's sick. Amazing. We went drinking. Yeah. Oh, Fletcher. We went drinking. And this guy turns into fucking hell.

I mean, out of the club or bar we were in, he lay down in front of a doorstep. I got too drunk. He got so drunk. It's the cocksucking cowboys. Not the cocksucking cowboys. What? What?

That's the shot. That's the cartoon. Yeah, that's the shot from New Zealand, isn't it? What do I mean? I mean the baby Guinness. Baby Guinness. How did you get the cocksucking cowboys? Because they look the same. They look creamy andness. Baby Guinness. Wow. How did you get them? How have you got them mixed up? Because they look the same.

They look creamy and little. Oh, that's, oh, right. Okay. So people have got it in, because Adam's gone on about baby Guinness so much, the lids who came to the show in June were like, every time I turned around, someone was like, meh.

Yeah, yeah. And the later the night got, the worse the baby Guinness got, it looked like baby, I'm not saying that, but it was all smushed and into each other. Like it was like, you know, it's meant to be the creamy bit and then the black bit. Just like a fucking weird coffee marble.

Coffee cum. Yeah, cum. Yeah. I'll grab this later. So then he lay down in front of a doorstep and we had to try and drag him up and walk him through Chester town centre. So I was very drunk. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Right. So then we got into the taxi and I'm sat across from Dan and your mate. What was her name? Claire. Claire. Dan and your mate, what was her name? Claire. Claire. Dan and Claire.

Claire, who I got on with, lovely, lovely lady. Mate, you get on with everyone. And she said afterwards that she'd never come like that. No, I'm not even joking. You just whispered something in the room. She's been sectioned. She's actually been treated for mental health issues. She's schizophrenic just because you fingered a bummer once.

She's wearing a chastity belt to stop her coming. Go on. Let's get to the end of this awful fucking story that you're a part of. So I turn to the driver. I give the driver the address. God. And this one's going. He's quite drunk. He's like, how will you know the address?. So I turned to the driver. I give the driver the address. God. And this one's going, he's quite drunk,

he's like, how will you know the address? What's it going to be? And I said, don't worry, mate. I've spoken to him, it's fine. And he said,

of course you have. You're both the same. Oh, God. Both lovely people. No, he was Asian too. You make it easy to joke about the race This doesn't make any sense When you say to someone Oh you make me be more racist

That's not a compliment No Come on You once asked me if you facilitated racism Remember? Well I had two audience members tell me that I helped facilitate racism Right Do you think I do? I think you said before you're very easy going member well I had two audience members tell me that I helped facilitate racism right do you think I do

I think you said before you're a very easy going and I think you're just yeah I don't think you facilitated but I think you

your sense of humour is so good and then I'll tell you what happened at the comedians club Chester we were having

such a good time it was such a good night and the whole thing about joking around with your mates Is part of the reason This podcast

Is so popular Is because We don't go Oh can't say that Can't say that Can't say that When you're just Joking with your mates

Because in your set You joke about race And you do that And then You're comfortable with it And then me drunk Yeah I get the whole like

Yeah of course you know because i'm trying to do i'm doing a badly i'm doing a drunk ham fisted yeah ham fisted version of the so I can't believe it's not ham fisted so listen apologies I thought it was hilarious but the taxi driver didn't oh really he was like I'm not a fag. Also,

Laura didn't, because you relayed this story to me in the morning. I was very hungover. And you relayed this story to me and she was like, Laura does it. And then you went

and she went, that's not good, is it? She is amazing though, Laura. Can I just say? Yeah. Laura is absolutely amazing. What a wonderful woman she is. Because she's not a pus it she is amazing though Laura can I just say yeah Laura is absolutely amazing what a wonderful woman she is

because she's not a pushover with me she's absolutely great she goes that's very funny she's very funny very funny and that's too far

and every time she calls it she's almost always right I had such a good chat with her that morning she's great

she's in therapy no she's because you don't sleep in the same bed she's just started cbt i thought it was for other reasons it turns out you had a coffee with her um no we don't sleep in the same bed yeah i know imagine if i walked in in the morning and I was like, oh, what are you doing with the taxi driver?

Oh, sorry, Ishan. I've got one leg out of the duvet. You can see one round leg. In the wheel battle? Fucking Laura's really messed up her fake tan again. The worst thing. You can walk in on Eshaan Abba

banging your wife. Laura! You said you'd keep the reverse wheelbarrow sacred for our marriage. Alright. Yeah. Are we cool?

We're cool. Come on. Of course you're cool. Come on. Of course you're cool. Love you. I love you. I think Dan won, though. Oh, don't make me win. Don't make me win.

Have you heard? He, Shannon, and Dan have seen each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been seeing each other for six months. Why? Because no one will lose at gay chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been seeing each other for six months. Why? Because no one will lose at gay chicken. They've applied for a...

They're getting married. They've applied for a mortgage. They've adopted a black kid. I'm not losing. So you're on tour, yeah? Yeah. February next year. Buy tickets at eShackBall.com.

Clips? Any? Clips? I don't know about the clips. Katie Beavers says, Kate Beavers says, Kate Beavers says, Beavers! She's one of our OGs.

OGs. From Leeds. KDB. I'll do it in her voice. Would you rather have dinner and drinks with every ex you've ever had? You bastard! Kate Beavers says,

Beavers. Would you rather have dinner and drinks with every ex you have? No. Including Gavin? No. Whenever you were like, we're girlfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend.

Cool. Not just some fucking whitsuntide that went off the rails. Yeah. Note, they will have all had a few drinks and probably think you're a bit of a cunt not three of mine

what? not three of my exes well they really like you do they? no because they're Muslim alright cool well they've had some I can't believe

it's not ham-fisted and they're like amazing apple-tizer and that's the voice I did or you have sex with your current partner ham-fisted. And they're like, amazing. Appletizer. And that's the voice I did. Or, you have sex with your current partner whilst all their exes

watch. No, the audience are allowed to give critiques throughout your performance. Cheers lids, love the pod, et cetera, et cetera.

That's from Beavis. I don't mind the critique because the critique will be, oh, he's fucking good, isn't he? Yeah, same. Oh my God. Why does everyone just become Adam? I don't mind.

They can all watch. Fucking level it, mate. I will beat your fucking... I'd also be like, you can't touch this. This is my girl. I like. She's my wife.

Not yet. She's my wife. She's like talking to people. I am the lizard queen! Everyone that fucks each other. The second one, Defo. I can see you to Shutter Island. Shutter Island.

You're an impatient. You got cerebral palsy No see shit Agba Clip Nope Still just the one clip Nope

Clip It's a private episode You have a second one Pack yourself You can all watch You can't do what I can do Erm Well I know of one

Very bad ex And I know Of a few that Are like sort of Long time ago And Yeah Do you ever think When you're talking

About your exes There's a point Where you're like You become I know maybe this is Just how my head works But there's the Like the grown up exes

And then there's the When you were just Dead young That's my only ex though My only ex is dead young Oh yeah Because you basically, your first grown-up girlfriend is your...

Yeah, is still my girlfriend. Because I consider my ex-girlfriend, Faye, we started going out when I was about 22, 23. She was like my first proper grown-up girlfriend. Because we lived in our own places. Before that, it was Katie andy and like they lived with their parents and i live with you know like i don't know like that's all sort of feel like that's a bit different i've got a crazy x story for you one right is it a grown-up x or grown-up x so when i was 24

right this x basically she was the sister of the biggest actress in bangladesh right which is her name is giant oh all right oh my god i love sneak but not on my laptop carry on yeah who's the actress jaya hassan her name is oh i love jaya hassan yeah yeah so her sister model newscaster wonderful beautiful whatever it was a very tumultuous relationship. When our engagement was announced, I was supposed to get engaged to this woman. The engagement was announced, the tabloids in Bangladesh

got a picture of us two in the double-page spread in the middle. Whoa! And the Bangladeshi press, what's the paper? Joy Bangla. Right? So they had a picture of us two in the middle.

Papped. And eight better suitors for her. Fuck off. Is that real? I promise you. This is what she could have won. Yeah. So it was like eight profiles of eight better partners.

And I had a little box explaining who I was. And it was just Ishan Akbar, 24-year-old, grandson of my... Oh, there we go. Grandson of banker. Abraham Lincoln of Bangladesh. Yeah, yeah. A banker.

That was it. That's all it had. But then it had all these models, good-looking people, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bollywood beauty and the beast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That all happened anyway. That relationship ended quite...

It was difficult. It was a difficult relationship. Yeah, but the press loved it. Yeah, the press fucking were all over it, right? Remember when I was here on the pod and I told you about the girl who raped me when I lost my virginity? Yeah. Right. She messages me Three months ago

And she says Her ex-husband Is now marrying That girl Oh my god What the fuck Because after me and that girl Broke up

The celebrity one Yeah She married someone They got divorced Right About a year and a half ago Yeah And it turns out she's now marrying the ex of my ex right and they're getting together right do you know what how small is bangladesh he was number seven on that list what the fuck what's her name

hey why is there only 33 people in the Bengali Illuminati? No, the famous lady. I won't tell you my partner's name. Okay, what's her sister's name? J-A-Y-A. J-A-Y-A. Space. Yeah.

A-H-S-A-N. Jaya Asan. Jaya Asan. I recognise her, actually. Oh, yeah, do you, Carl? No, I do. do you Carl no I do yeah yeah I do

use carl10 at bengaliwives.com if you want to if you want to discount how mad is that how mad is that yeah it's mad

my first ex's there's a hundred and ninety million people live in Bangladesh am I right yeah yeah my first ex's husband

yeah it is a bit mad it's a lot a lot of those the working class same basically there's about yeah there's about 40 people in the yeah yeah my first ex's husband yeah it's a bit mad it's a lot a lot of those the same service so basically there's about yeah there's about 40 people in the bengali same surface area as england bangladesh yeah it's got 180 million people i know it sounds like i'm being insensitive but a taxi driver once told me that just talk we talked about the population of bangladesh because there's a unit of millions

was he perchance driving you back to your house after Communism Cup Chester? Shagging my wife that's not what wheelbarrows are for do you know what I once did that with a taxi driver? I got in a black taxi with a Bengali driver and I did the

oh I know a Bengali man and he was like i know i was fifth on the list i said do you know this man he's like no of course not i thought you know whether you both be in uk based and you've been on the turn i have no respect in the asian or muslim communities at all no you do they think I'm a coconut sellout. Oh. Because I do shit like this. Oh, dear. That's not a nice turn of phrase, is it?

But who's earning? That's how you debate. You think I'm a coconut sellout? Well, I sold high. Portfolios for days, mate. Did we choose what we'd rather do erm I have a lot of exes

and I there's just a lot a lot of annoyed women I've just been a bit of a knobhead in my 20s

when I did a lot of my stats come after Faye just a lot of girls because I I used to, I must have been really frustrated because I was like,

oh yeah, we should go for dinner a few times. Yeah. Which instead of just being like, and then, so the girls get their hopes up and then I just lose interest after a month or whatever. Yeah.

And also, I think some of them were like, oh, he's not, he's not great. I was seeing them though. A month is not a girlfriend. No, maybe like oh he's not they're not girlfriends he's not great I was seeing them though a month is not a girlfriend no maybe not it's not so it's got to be

officially girlfriend boyfriend met their parents official on Facebook met their parents bought them a Christmas ah okay met their parents

Asians don't do that though until getting wed what you don't meet the parents really until you get married I thought you met the parents first

I thought they met the parents first. I thought they met you. So you don't meet the parents until the wedding? Well, until you're getting married, basically. Mud. So luckily there'll be two extra discounts because one of them threw a paperback version of the Kite Runner at my head in the office. That was so

middle class. Paperback version uh luckily it wasn't the signed hardback copy it hurt though paperbacks hurt oh paperbacks hurt he's on his next tour show paperbacks hurt baby got back better title than coconut sellout Better title than coconut sellout. I'd love to see the poster. Loads of money. Oh, well. Money in one hand.

The free fringe poster for Ishan Agbar. Coconut sellout. We need to get some coconuts. Just a copy of the guy runner. One leg out of a bed. That's the end of this section. It's fucking ridiculous. One question, we're out. Oh, so good.

God, I love you. I love you too. I lose, I lose. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Fucking hell. Hello, guys. We want to talk to you about Manscaped.com.

It is the smooth sack summer with Manscaped.com, the very best in below-the-belt men's grooming. I absolutely with Manscaped.com, the very best in below-the-belt men's grooming. I absolutely love Manscaped.com. In fact, I am a have-a-word customer of Manscaped.com. I use the code WORD20 to get all my products, not least because I like clean, shaved balls, but crucially because I'm from a Muslim background. All Muslims must shave their pubes.

Wow, and I'm sick of saying that, you know? I've been saying it on every advert recording I've done so far but it sounds better from you um we use the lawnmower 4.0 at home it's a i say wait it's just me and laura it is the family pube trimmer it's an excellent bit of kit so manscape to call it the smooth sack summer. Get your pube situation, all of it sorted out, just like my friend Ishan Akbar. Manscaped.com, use the code WORD20 for 20% off all products and free shipping. And you can shave off about 100% of your pubes.

You don't want any smelly pubes. Stop it. Don't want to be sniffing your pubes. Just, that's it. All right, nice one. Three, two, make it really professional. Three, two, one. Go.

Go. Bonjour. Hi, French. Hello, and welcome to this. Pilot. Have a word. We're going to be doing this once a week now, and it's a comedy podcast.

Hello. Hello. It's a... I wonder if ours does sound a bit like that. No. If you go back and watch old videos, it's a bit jarred. What yours sounds like is when you start listening to it is

first Patreon for three minutes, then Manscaped for three minutes, then fucking Sneak for three minutes. Bite the hand that fucking feeds you And then And then Adam Says something obnoxious Yeah

It's worked very well for us Ladies and gents Hayley Ellis is here There's a woman on the couch Stop asking now This might be The most diverse ep Yeah

And I parked in a disabled spot When we parked up So that's pretty good I wear a hearing aid So that works That checks out So we've got a We've got a female guest

A Asian co-host Are you fully English? Is there Have you got any like Well I've got a bit of Welsh Oh okay Yeah

That's good There we go So she's Thorough we go so she's thoroughbred white she's mixed race so am I so is he yeah

and I've parted in a disabled spot and as we discovered earlier I'm a bit LGBTQIAPK I'm sorry what I'm a bit LGBTQIAPK what the fuck's IAPK

intersex asexual pansexual kinky kinky sorrysexual, kinky. Sorry, this might seem kinky. That's a real one. Kinky. Fuck off.

Yeah, people get discriminated against for their kinks. Yeah. What? Not as much as the L's, the G's and the B's. You can't go to work in a nappy, can you? Just because you like watching people stand on shit. Is that what you're thinking? What's your kink?

Have you spoke about this already Oh yeah of course But this is my point With the Adding the letters Is I think the L's The G's The B's And the T's

I think what they go through Is I don't think The K's can be like You know what K isn't real It is real Sometimes I have a

Pokey bum wank LGBTQIAPK is the whole kinky yeah no just because you kiss four boys at boarding school doesn't mean

you're one of the I kiss one boy in boarding school and three boys in the wild alright okay in the wild in the forest

and we were talking about our gay experiences Hayley right and nearly had one with Eshaan yeah I can feel the tension

between you it hasn't been broken yet it feels a bit like that's just me digesting my nandos I feel like I'm just interrupting you it's like when they say

don't have sex off screen so you can keep the passion on screen you can tell you haven't had sex yet yeah they say that a lot don't they all the time

yeah in podcasting no not in podcasting the amount Carl has to, they say that a lot, don't they? All the time. Yeah? In podcasting. No, not in podcasting. The amount that Carl has to say that to me and Adam. Guys, don't fuck on screen. Just keep it. The energy. Yeah, I don't, I'm, listen, I'm full supporting of all the L's, the G's, the B's, the T's,

but I could understand how someone from the old LGBT would be like, come on, guys. You know, like, to just say, I'm a bit kinky, so I am the same. Your kinks can be, there's a spectrum, isn't there? I'm a bit kinky. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, at what point does the LGBTQ plus community go,

that is the line there, isn't it? That's the line. Sometimes I like wanking in a garage. Well then, sorry, you're not an LGBT. I don't know if that's a kink, I think it's just because you've got a wife. Yeah, there you go. See? You don't get pride for that.

Yeah, it's not pride. I wank in the garage. That's very much the opposite of pride. It's very much a shame festival. Well, it is because of how you're treating us. There you go. The GWs, the garage wankers, the LGBTQ plus GWs. Do you know what?

It's disgusting that you, who have kissed so many boys, have turned against me as a GW. You're not even a garage wanker, though. You're like a posh shed wanker. Yeah. By the way, I did have a wank in your office. posh shed one yeah yeah by the way i did have a wank in your office that's not okay it looks like hailey's even hailey's disgusted

have you cracked one out of my garden office yeah do you know before before we all made jokes because each one stayed at mine and was like oh i know that you sleep separately before we all made jokes, because Eshan stayed at mine and was like, oh, I know that you sleep separately, and we all laughed it off, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The joke was, oh, I banged Laura. Fine. We don't crack one out in another man's garden office. You fucking did. You fucking did.

You did? We know you did. You did? I sent it for the bants on the pod, Hayley. You'll have to check the pot plants. Are they dying? One of them's doing really well. Has this cactus got flowers on it?

Was it on the couch? Into a tissue. Oh, the Minch is on the couch. I mean, were you based on the couch? What have you just realised? How are you, Hayleyley how are you when you need to blow your nose i'm a bit uncomfortable now i'm not oh it was always gonna happen here alone it's like i kind of get off this oh no one better crack one out in here all right you know the garage, if you're having to wank in a garage

and you just need to reach out. I mean, you're not having to, are you? You're choosing to. What if that's what you're into?

Just get the black and deck of that. That's a location kink. We've all got location kinks. Have we? Yeah,

I really want to jizz on, you know the blue tops in Santorini? Let's see those pictures of of the blue top buildings? You're so fucking middle class. How would you get on top of them? Well, that's the kink, right?

To climb the building. Climb the building. No, but specifically the blue tops, because I want an Instagram woman to take a picture and there's just a bit of my semen on them. How long is this on for? Sorry, okay Can we

Hayley, how are you? I'm alright I'm not going to Santorini after you've been there Your location kink is so up its own arse though Why? What's wrong with Santorini? You know the blue tops in Santorini Like it's amazing the juxtaposition between how much of a dirtbag you are Oh stop, we just the juxtaposition between how much of a dirtbag you are. Oh, someone just said

juxtaposition. Dan's been like on a plane on the way to Tenerife. Not even at 37,000 feet just as it's taken off. On a standing flight and right there.

Have you ever joined the 1,000 feet club? No, but you have wanked on a mega bus. I have had a pokey bum wank. It was a pokey bum wank? It's but you have wanked On a mega bus I have had a poke bum wank It was a poke bum wank On the It's not normally This wank heavy

At Charnock Richard Services You know the KFC I know Charnock Richard Services Halfway to Blackpool Halfway to Blackpool On the roof there I stayed in the Marriott in there On the tunnel

I stayed in the hotel That's the more working class Version of his The blue tops of Santorini The KFC At Charnock Richard Services on the M6. I stayed in the hotel there. Oh, did you?

Yeah. Cool. It's a lovely store. Yeah. Did you wank there as well, you fucking animal? No, no, no. You did do it in his office though? Yeah.

Yeah. Any location things for you, Hayley? Any places that just do... Because I think the old outdoor bonk was quite the thing when you were younger. The outdoor bonk. That word bonk is outdated, isn't it? No, I'm bringing bonk back. You can't bring bonk back.

Oh, I am. I'm bringing bonk back. Yep. 100% I'm bringing bonk back. What about boning? No, bonk is funny. Bonk's still got... It's got that one syllable, bonk.

I use the word bonk in my talk show. I sleep with them. No one says that anymore, do they? I slept with them. Oh, my God. I think slept is really old school, isn't it? Slept. I slept with them.

They slept together. They slept together. They're doing, like, soaps. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She slept with them? Yeah. I understand that.

Well, in soaps, they always do that thing as well where they still lead them up to the bedroom. Do you know what I mean? But you don't actually see anything. They go with him? Yeah. I understand that. But in soaps, they always do that thing as well where they still lead them up to the bedroom. Do you know what I mean? But you don't actually see anything. They go, come with me. Yeah. And that's the sex scene cut. As they go upstairs.

Right, right, right. I watch a lot of Corrie. Do you know what they do in Bollywood? I think you could get bonk in Corrie, couldn't you? No. No. No, bonk is a bit much. Is there ever a late night Corrie?

No. No. I have a few late night Corries. Hey. Corrie? I'm turning you, Mike, few late night curries. Hey. Got it. I'm turning you, Mike, off for a little bit. You, Mike. It just slapped together, yeah.

It's very old school. What would be a good late night show that doesn't exist? Late night bargain on. What, you mean like an X-rated midnight version of something? Yeah. Hang on. Grain chill. Bargain on would be good. Hang on, now I'm thinking. What are you thinking like an X-rated midnight version of something? Hang on. Grains Hill. Bargain would be good.

Hang on, now I'm thinking. What are you thinking of? Sunday brunch. Come down with me late night. Yeah, that's a good one. When they get really, really, really. Yeah, and they could tell. Will it or will it not turn into a swingers night?

Come down with me late night. Yeah, come down with me late night. What was that? And then when they go through the drawers as well, it'd be like really, really late night. Yeah, sniffing stuff. They already get their pissed. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many neighbour complaints? Yeah. Number 43 are banging on the wall again. And you've got a cook drunk as well. Yeah. What would you cook if you were kind of doing late night come down?

Sorry, I apologise. Oh. I meant to put it on flight mode. I would... What would I cook? I'm a terrible cook. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, that's a shame. I was just starting to like I just started seeing a personal trainer thank you and he asked me to send me socially romantically

well it's more of a affair no but he asked me to send because I'm not losing anyway I mean it's because of what I'm eating but he was like can you send me pictures

of what you're eating socially of what you're eating he wants to send but I don't eat I don't eat I'd be eating. He wants to say. But I don't eat. I don't eat. I'd be less embarrassed to send him nudes, honestly.

I don't eat meals. Oh. Are you picky? Picky? Yeah. A grazer. Snacky. Yeah.

Okay. So what kind of stuff do you graze? A grazer is a middle class way of saying I'm a snacker, isn't it? Basically. I just eat crisps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah. What crisps? Any pop chips at the minute because they're low in fat. But then I just eat crisps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah.

What crisps? Any pop chips at the minute because they're low in fat. But then when you eat five bags of them, they're not. They're not low in fat. You're equal to one naughty bug. Yeah. Yeah, they're like low fat. And then you get the massive 160 gram bad boy.

I've been eating loads of them. Someone told me that salt and vinegar crisps keep you awake when you're driving as well. Who told you that? Apparently he's well known. What you what yeah how i don't know because you're looking at the science um because the salt is making your blood pressure rise or something sounds right i don't know you're closer to death but at least it won't be via car crash but when you're driving home like it's because you're worried that asian's staying in your fucking yeah i'm on the road going i've got to get back before he starts touching himself but at least it won't be via car crash. But when you're driving home late, it's because you're worried that Aiton's staying in your fucking...

I'm on the road going, I've got to get back before he starts touching himself. God, imagine if he goes in the garage. It's quite romantic lighting in there, to be fair to you. It's nice. Stop letting it crisp. This is weird. But do you know what?

I don't know if it's psychological, but it has helped. It's psychological as well. So this guy, you sign up for the you sign up for the he's a personal trainer yeah and he's all he's already straight in on the i want to see what you're eating yeah what what i just want my personal trainers i just want a steroid user shouting at me i feel like i want to go old school like come on i want a real sort of like Arnie. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes. That's what I want. That's what I do. I want someone who's escaped Soviet Russia. Who is your daddy?

And he's now working at like Nuffield Health. You don't know because when like. Come on, 19 girls. Put that deep. Because he shouts at me because I'm like. Do you know what I'm like? You're like, I can't. I'm like that.

Okay. And he's like, yeah, you can't. You honestly looked and sounded like Brendan Rees then. I can't. Yeah. Because when he shouts at me i'm like oh i don't like it like it doesn't inspire me to do it better i've got a personal trainer did you know this yeah yeah i've had a personal trainer for a month why are you laughing a coffin wow go on uh i've had him for a month his name is aleem cool why did you laughing at his name, Aleem? Because you're making it funny. Doing it on purpose.

I'm literally saying a brown man's name. Cool. Right. So Aleem, he's very good. He meets me every Monday morning on Zoom. He's all right. On Zoom? Yeah.

Because I'm so busy, I can't meet someone in person. Do you have to be naked on Zoom then? I don't have to, but I'm so busy, I can't meet someone in person. Do you have to be naked on Zoom then? I don't have to, but I choose to. And he talks me through some exercises, and he goes through my diary and tells me when to put my workouts in and what food to eat. He doesn't actually do anything then, does he? Because I could do that.

I could go, all right, don't eat chocolate. No, but it's really useful because he'll tell me, instead of a daily calorie target, he gives me a weekly one, which is actually a lot better right because over the course of a week you can have like what 14 000 calories how much you're paying him 125 pound a month just that's so easy that's just someone looking at you will you do it then okay but i'm 450 a month. Who just to zoom and be like, you should honestly probably just run around more.

Eat a bit less. There's a gap in your diary between gigs. If you could just maybe jog there. It's really useful because I've got specific exercises and he tracks my weight, my waist size. No, I want someone sweating over me like, split that dick, push harder. Why is he watching you?

What happened there? Wouldn't you love a big steadhead like Arnie? Like, come on, you're not even trying. I'd love that. I want some retired banker who's like, oh my God, are you a retired banker? I'm a retired banker. Now I'm a personal trainer.

Let's meet on Zoom every morning at 9.45. Ishan, a lean. A lean is not a retired banker. There he is. Leave a lean alone. Yeah, leave a lean alone. Do you see your personal trainer in person? Yeah. I wouldn't be happy just seeing him on Zoom.

I think that's a bit of a... Have you just got an OnlyFans? He's just logging into someone. In their garden office. Has he got pants on definitely at all times because i wouldn't be paying anyone because he goes through the exercises with me i'm a very good squatter turns out i'm very good at squatting oh really good as much as i love you i would not want to see you honestly it's really impressive my form is really good though because the camera

do you have to like? Yeah. Cause you can see it on Zoom. You can just see your head bumping up and down. It goes, yep. See it on Zoom. So you go on, you pay a man to watch you squat on the internet. And it's not OnlyFans.

It's not OnlyFans. That is a kink. Definitely not. I pay. Oh, you pay him. Watch me squat and I'll pay you. It's good. He tells me my form is great.

Yeah, cause of course he does. Cause you're paying him to watch you squat. Have you got a weight on the squat? Have I got weights? Are you just bending down? No, I've got what?

Weights. All right, okay, cool. Ishan, can you do a squat and I'll be on the desk? Yeah. Let's check his form. Come on, Ishan! Do it!

Do it. Do the squat! Oh my God, there's a light right under your arse. Watch it. Oh, that's not bad at all Actually

I didn't think you were Going to get up there For a second Can you put that I'm sorry What's going on What How old are you

You're nearly 38 What do you want To be congratulated on Being able to bend down What are you A fucking 80 year old Recovering cancer patient That wasn't good squatting

What the fuck Do you see what i mean it is impressive form it's a it's a young man he's three years you do a squat then fucking young man and we all your ass is not touching your ankles what are you talking about how are we congratulating this? That is ridiculous. 150 a month though. But I'm fat. A limb is killing it. Can you reach over to the left?

Amazing. Well done, each and every one. Can you stand up of your own volition? Oh, you're doing so well. How much is yours? It's quite reasonable, actually. It's not that much. How much is it?

I can't, because it works out. I pay in like bulk, so it works out like so much. How much is he? I can't, because it works out. I pay in bulk, so it works out so much a session. Does he go through your diary? What? You've not got enough gigs in. Yeah, yeah. Does he go through your diary and say, this is when you should get this stuff in?

No, because I meet up with him, so I go to the gym and train with him. That's a traditional. That's a normal PT. He doesn't just go. He doesn't get like, can you sit out of a chair? I'm not a traditionalist. Oh my God, well done. Are you stood up?

He doesn't think you've been in a car crash. Yeah, a little bit. I'm quite fat. He's like, Ishan, can you run the bath? Let's see how you get in and out of it. Ishan, show me how you make beans on toast. Is he your character? I wish he would struggle to get out of a bath.

That's a spider. I can't do baths. Oh no. I can't do baths either. Oh. I can't do baths either. Oh, I swear to God. I get wedged in baths. Oh my God. Wedged.

If you have a word by you, one of those old people disability baths, I promise you we'll pay for it. Yeah, please do. I don't like it. If you give an Ishan two pounds a month, it's not enough. But if you... If you teach an Ishan... Can we crowdfund you getting a bath with a door? Yeah.

Oh. That could be the next Patreon special. Watching Ishan get a bath. Tell you what, I've learned I'm really running short of ideas. I've seen bathing Ishan. They've made it into a two-parter. Getting in and getting out.

You'd watch that though. Watch the fuck out of it. How many teasers could you get out of it? Me with a towel that doesn't quite wrap all the way around. And then Aleem in the corner on Zoom going, you're doing very well. Let's have an accent. Okay, you do. You're doing very well.

He sounds more like that. Just as he's counting his money and paying it. He's a bodybuilder, he's hench as fuck. Is he? Yeah, but what is his legs like? Cause as he's counting his money he's a bodybuilder he's hench as fuck is he yeah but what is his legs like because you can't see his legs oh yeah

how do you know what distance does he zoom you from where you can see his legs no because he'll show me some of the squats and stuff after that

don't be I'm only messing I'm only messing you could have a chat with him after this you're like can I see your legs please Has he come round and put like a handle

Next to your toilet He's not an occupational therapist He might be an occupational therapist He's got this mentally disabled Asian guy And you're like I think this is him You're doing really well Eshan Press the pendant If you fall over

Are you going to squatting I mean it's what we were talking about Press the pendant if you fall over. Are you going to squatting? I mean, it's what we were talking about. But it feels like, you know, we haven't had a female guest on for a while. I know why I'm asking. You're going to squatting, love. It's linked.

It is linked. Get on the table. Oh, God. Etta and Laura have just gone to the gym for the first time today. We signed up to the gym on the last day of our holiday in Mallorca. The holiday was a shit show. It was an absolute mess. So towards the end, I started doing admin, and it was that classic, like,

oh, we're coming to the end of the holiday. End of the holiday means start of a healthy kick. We came back on April the 16th. I signed up for the David Lloyd Platinum, which is your full family. It's 212 quid a month. And you're having to go with me for 125? Yeah, but he gets to go in and...

Yeah, mine's a building. Yeah. Mine's a building. Yours is a building. Not some mini-leg fucking... Alim is a building. He is a building. He's a temple.

Get him up now. Get him on the zoo. He's a mosque. He is a mosque. He's a temple Get him up now Get him on the He's a mosque He is a mosque He's Muslim Clip that Clip that one That doesn't feel like

A clip that one So 212 quid Where are we now Start of August I've had such good value Out of this I think we're at 850 quid

For a woman And a five year old To go for one swim I go David Lloyd and I only go swimming I pay David Lloyd to use the steam room oh

they're going swimming okay what did you think they were doing I was like bench pressing Etta's like she's hedging

for weight yeah her limbs just near my daughter going wow you can squat as well it'll be like Etta'll be doing

new lessons soon on zoom make me a cake good that's what kids want in a cake can you do my your impression of my five-year-old daughter again make me a cake good i want a cake oh jesus oh yeah lad lad Yeah I'm not getting value Out of that at all Same I need you to Oh we should just start

Can I go To David Lloyd When we move studios We'll go to David Lloyd together Yeah By my house Alright cool I go a community gym

In Kirby And it's because Like at certain times They just have Because people must get it free Or they get like discounted It's just like full of old people And just me

And it's great I feel really good about myself Oh yeah you can walk that's you don't get that in the david lloyd but that's the way of the comedian isn't it your gig at night you can go the gym in the day and you're going at the discount that's the discount time isn't it it's off peak yeah i used to go swimming with old people yeah but you feel you feel like no the two are when we lived in Leeds, it was the Virgin Media, and I used to go swimming up in the afternoon. The Virgin Media Gym.

It was Virgin Rail Gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get on, you do a few squats, and then you're in London, Houston. It was the Virgin Gym, and it was just me and all old people. Just all old people. Old people in the changing rooms. It's just swimming with nannas one woman had um flippers on you know like oh nice you know when you're snorkeling yeah she

was so old she was like i don't give a shit i need to use these well i'm a snorkel no she didn't have a snorkel she just had she just had the plastic flippers do you look like a knitted fucking swimming cap do you go in the fast lane of the pool? I can't swim. I'm terrible at swimming. That always stresses me out. I get in the pool to just like be in the pool. I don't swim in the pool. You know what I mean?

I get in and just be in the pool. Yeah. Okay. That's like a holiday, isn't it? Why don't you just have a bath? I don't like baths.

But you like pools? Yeah, pools are lovely. You can move around. You can't move around in the bath. You sit and you don't show. Karl, just talk me through how you get in a swimming pool and just You can move around. You can't move around in the bath. You're sitting and you don't want to show. Karl, just talk me through how you get in a swimming pool and just have a stand around.

Literally. How are you not the fattest twat I know? Who's got... Yeah, I go, David Lloyd, what's he do? Just stand around, innit? I just go to the gym and just look around like lovely, innit? I go into David Lloyd. I go in the steam for like 15 minutes.

I can't stand in the pool it's all one trying to swim past you and you're just yeah how high does the water go it's all one level I think it's all like four how high does it go up on you uh maybe like just below me you just stand there so you look like you're like a footballer what'd you do with your arms dealing with an injury what do you mean what do you think where'd you put your arms when you're standing in the pool I'm just trying to get put your arms when you're standing in the pool? I'm just trying to get an image of what you look like in the pool. I'm just like...

Hovering the water. Yeah, you're just like chilling in the pool and then I get in the jacuzzi and go home. Big workout today, babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll push my... What's your PB of standing in the pool? I can't be the only person who just stands in the pool. You've got to be the only.

No. Who just stands in the pool. Maybe on like your summer holidays, if you're in like Tenerife or like people would sit there because they'll get in the sun. But not like. No, I just stand in the pool. Not the David Lloyd.

I like just being in the pool. You can't go to a community gym in Kirby just to stand in the pool. I don't. I go to David Lloyd. All right, fucking hell. It's lovely. Do you know what?

It doesn't just look like you're having a piss. Sometimes. There's that guy fucking pissing in the David Lloyd. Get to a community gym in Kerby, you. That's what they're for. You dirty old bastard. I go from eight o'clock onwards when all the lads who work in Jag

have all fucked off because I hate them all. And then no one's in the gym. I'll just get to stand in the pool on my own. That's what that looks like for security, just seeing someone on there. Like you're the secret millionaire. I fucking own this gym.

No, but, I don't know, just like walk to the other end and walk. But I don't know, I just like being in the pool. You look like one of those statues from fucking Crosby. In Crosby, yeah. Fuck swimming in the pool. The irony is that you're still getting a better workout than a limb gets him on Zoom.

Could you stand up? A him on zoom that could you stand up a limb's like could you stand up in your just stand up wow well done did you see how you

get out of there Dishan 125 pound please mate lie down close your eyes how do you do planks has he got any other clients that you know of

no no big client but fucking hasn't trying to get me fit and healthy mate you should do him down for a week and just see i'd love to yeah yeah get on me i'll give you a fucking great deal meal plans does he tell you what to eat yeah yeah so he he says okay where are you where are you traveling

right these are the kind of options you should be looking for oh that's quite cool does he does he do research of like okay i'm in the i'm in the east end of London, where can I eat? If I'm saying I'm going out here, I'm going to do this. He's Muslim, he doesn't drink, but he will say to me, okay, think about, if you're going to have a night out, think about having this drink this much. Think about having these foods.

Sorry, what? What? You've got a Muslim personal trainer who gives you a drinking plan for a night out. And it's usually water fucking hell does he find restaurants for you to go to yeah that's good it's more like making a killing this guy yeah yeah yeah can you we've got a stag do coming up with my mates can you give him hello a limb stag do's it with a milk to lay in the stomach and another milk

and a strawberry milk that's quite good then I'm really defensive about a limb you get really plan on your stuff like that's cool go to this restaurant need this you're at a service station so the options are literally

he will say to me watch out for that man wanking over kfc you'll go what charlotte richard services okay this is what you want to go for hot bag of king yeah it's not much option is there though no that's quite good i like that not worth 125 pound a month so we were going to do a weigh in for a Patreon special all going to weigh in yeah and then do like a healthy weight loss

fitness challenge Adam started it already and by the time we'll want to start it he'll have been bored of weight loss

yeah right I've never done anything like that I've never done but I think I know what you mean I know we're taking the piss but to have someone

helping you along does help because left to my own devices I can be like nah I can't be fucked i'll just eat this i lost loads of weight doing the cambridge weight plan five six years ago i went super skinny but what helped was going in for a weigh-in and just being accountable and with the cambridge weight plan it's just one it's not like the group classic weight watchers group weighing like all right oh god what happened this week carol you fat bitch Like it's none of that It's just you and one person

You're trying to pyramid sell us The Cambridge plan now It's just really intimate It's one on one If you're a fussy eater It's basically If you use code Dan10

If you don't want this It was pretty good But it was The big thing was Having that weigh in Every whatever it was Tuesday morning Having that.

I think it would be great if... The comedy industry as a whole, if we all did a collective weigh-in and just a fucking... Got a limb on a group. And just waited until me, Rob Thomas and Freddie Quinn leave us to the end to see where the scales go. Oh, we're doing all right.

Oh, fuck. Holy shit. I've never done anything like that I think it's worth a try like the boxes do but like in your undies and that

oh yeah if we're gonna do it we've got to do the full I'll be cock out me absolutely why so I'll be at the best possible chance

yeah so a pair of lightweight knickers cost so weighs so little but you still want to get yeah i don't think you need to worry if like you know freddie and i'm the lineup i don't think you'll be the heaviest i also don't want to see freddie take his pants off yeah you don't have to take your pants off carl i don't know what kind of way no but then you'd like have you missed the gay chat from the first section i need to make this gayer. Freddie could get his knob out.

We did a Cormier where he leans on the towel. See in there? No. He was overweight with a weigh-in and he put the towel around them to hide their dignity.

He pressed down on the towel which made him go up a little bit which made him... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry. He got the towel. So two men were holding the towel this is a conspiracy holding the towel.

This is a conspiracy. Holding the towel to the side of him and he was overweight so he'd stripped down naked. Right. So he presses down on the top of the towel which makes him lose a couple of pounds because he's putting the weight into it. Did he do that thing with the spoon?

Yeah. He's putting the weight into the towel. Which, who's this again? Daniel Cormier. I don't understand how that works because the towel's going to be on the scales no no that's how it's getting held up by men in front of them it's not on them i don't know how that would relieve it has to be like half a pound doesn't it so minimal i mean this wasn't as complicated as you've made that just say i get me so if we

see carl's whipping his cock out onto the towel yeah Yeah. No, I'm going to do that now. I'm going to go to the gym next and weigh myself. Just get the towel out. Yeah. The worst punching Judy ever. I like it. You give me a good one, don't you? I would love it if we did the healthy thing, if we had a weigh-in,

if we paid for some of the Corona girls to be at the back, like the UFC weigh-ins. Yeah. There's always like, and they're like constantly like, I love my life. I love watching really aggressive men in their underpants. Like, you know, I think we should get some ofins. Yeah. There's always like, and they're like constantly like, I love my life. I love watching really aggressive men in their underpants. Like, you know,

I think we should get some of them. Yeah. Just to see how professional they are. If they can keep smiling when Freddie Quinn weighs in. In his little fucking speedos. He's so sexy. He's my life.

Yeah. So let's just put it, let's put it together yeah we'll do it put it in action I'm happy to get involved would you really you've already started

yeah you've got a PT yeah what's his name Alim Alim Alim but like before the weigh in

yeah this option yeah or the towel option yeah I don't really understand the towel thing so there's

don't get him going on the UFC don't because he's humorless when it comes to the UFC it's like lads you don't really understand the towel thing Don't get him going on the UFC Because he's humourless when it comes to the UFC It's like lads you don't even understand The towel I fucking love the UFC He's as humourless about the UFC as you are about Aleem I'm not humourless about it

I'm not humourless I'm not humourless about it either What it is that he's doing wrong I think he's doing a very good job actually Another patron special Having the UFC on and getting me and Hayley What it is that he's doing wrong. I think he's doing a very good job actually. We another patron special having the UFC on and getting me and Hayley to be commentators for it. And making you watch it. I'd love that.

God. I like the UFC though. Sure. And he used to watch the one, I'm going to look like a right. For where they used to do. They like the game show, not the game show, but you know what I mean?

Where they used to have. Yeah. Yeah. What's your was on last night. Tito Ortiz. What's your favourite move in the UFC? She's fucking trying to tell you about the UFC. Watch her. Watch her.

What's your favourite move? Punch. Nice one. No. I like an armbar. An armbar. Oh, she knows the game. A half Kimura.

Chicken Kimura. Sorry. Couldn't help it. Chicken. I like a reverse elbow do you yeah you like the fucking reverse wheel battle from before you're in the ufc i'm surprised is your fella into it yeah right okay oh i liked it before i was with him yeah for him fuck him. I just like the violence. Do you like it?

I like the violence. And then when they have, because I'm like, I don't like it when they cuddle. It's like, no, it's wrestling. It's a lot of technique. I'm like, no, get in. All right.

So if you were going to do UFC, what would your discipline be? Trying to be able to get on top of the net after I've won. For real? That whole discipline. It's just steep. Give us a back.

Climbing. Because they just do a little jump, don't they? And then they're up. I couldn't do that. If you can't do that, you probably can't do the thing before the fighting. Oh, there you go. I think, well, yeah.

There you go, Carl. You're right. It's quite a humorless UFC call. Actually, let's stop you there. If you can't get on top of the octagon, you're very unlikely to have won in the octagon. Sorry to stop the pop there, but that is ridiculous. You're telling me I don't stand a chance.

Are you telling me? What would your discipline be? I'd be one of the top ticklers. I'd be the ground and tickle. That's such a good idea Well I've been training A lot of people said Is that guy doing a pokey bum wank

On the Charn at Richard's services Above the KFC No I'm actually in training Are you ticklish Because I'd be one of the Ground and pound masters And then all of a sudden Pokey bum wank

Are you ticklish Which is not illegal It is Show me in the rules Where it says you can't Stick your finger In the arse of a USC opponent Exactly

You can't Yes Adam Listening to your bullshit For two years has worked. There's definitely a rule where you can't finger someone's arse. Pull it up. Doing the gloves like a vet. Must be. Oi, Dana, pull it up.

Because you can't grab them by the balls either. You can't do anything to the balls. Even if you want to. Even if they want you to. Would you tickle them? Yeah, so here's the rules of things you can't do. Go back. Go on.

You can't headbutt. Can I just say, if I enter the octagon, I'm not a headbutter. I genuinely think I've got quite a thin skull. You know why? Because it's so big. I think I got a normal amount of skull, but then it got spread over a bigger, I think, I think it's thin. Yeah, they use forceps on me.

I think I've got a bit of a bubble forehead. Like the brain. Yeah, what is it? I think it's thin. Yeah, they use forceps on me. I think I've got a bit of a bubble forehead. Like the brain. Yeah, I'm not. So no headbutts. So, you're not allowed

to eye gouge? No eye gouge, okay. Oh, that's a dirty business, that. Yeah. No,

no, I love the violence of the octagon, but I'm not an eye gouger. What about nose gouging? What's nose, when you put your fingers up there?

Yeah, I'm guessing all gouging. Or any kind of gouging. You can't bite? You can't put your finger in the gum. I don't think you can do that thing. Do you know what, you're like your brother and sister of fire, and you just put fingers up there? Yeah. I'm guessing all gouging. Or any kind of gouging. You can't bite. Which includes finger in the bum. I don't think you can do that thing. Do you know where you're like your brother and sister are fighting and you just put their hand on their head?

Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah. And they're just like, get up. Just make them punch themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you hitting yourself?

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Oh, you know you've won if you're doing the. Can you do that thing where you get a bit of snot and then you just put your finger back up? Oh. Yeah. Oh, Michael Eaton.

You've just reminded me of a lad at school you can't bite can't bite no biting what about nibble yeah I think that falls under can you nipple tweak yeah

nipple tweak no I'm guessing no though but you can't hair pull well he's safe that's why they all wear like dreads

isn't it they all make their ends up like tight so they can't yeah no fish hooking. What's that?

Oh! Nothing about the nose, though. Come here, little piggy. That would be my go-to move. No groin attacks. Can you just stamp on the foot? Yeah. Can you do that?

It's a very common move. Yo. I know they kick the legs, but I didn't realise you just go... Yeah, you save the grapple and you stand... I'm going to see something do his head in but yeah people do that yeah you know groin

but go a bit further back straight in the next one no gooch attacks no gooch I'm going nowhere near the perineum that's part of my training

straight in the arsehole that's a technique to get it straight in as well I'm well known for it they call me the scud missile yeah that's horrendous small it's i'm well known for this all over again they call me the scud missile yeah

uh small just great small joint manipulation they call me the drone attack shut up facts i'm trying to do jokes actually next one because we're talking about the ufc and if we want to train we need to start now guys are you not going to do a ufc special because you have loads of ufc oh yes he is he's going to do a UFC special? Because you have loads of UFC fighters on. He is. He's going to do UFC special. No, but like, use in training with Paddy the Baddie and Meatball Molly. You should use sparring with them all. Yeah, let's agree before this goes out.

You're not allowed to throw your opponents out of the ring. She's not even able to get on the ring. Small joint manipulation. Small joint manipulation? What does that mean? A chiropractor I'm guessing that's like grabbing fingers Yeah

And rabbit punches What's a rabbit punch? Isn't that like Rabbit What's a rabbit punch? You use your back legs A rabbit punch is a blow to can you use your back legs and just what's it what is a rabbit

a rabbit punch is a blow to the back of the head or neck so no punch in the back of the head why is it called a rabbit punch because they're right cunts when you get in a fight

with a rabbit honestly every Easter we have a nightmare with it 12 to 6 elbows that's quite a contentious one yeah

12 to 6 does elbows break the skin they always use elbows it says nothing about 12 to 6. Does elbows break the skin? They always use elbows. It says nothing about... Yeah, but not 12 to 6. It's got to be... What's 12 to 6? So, up top to bottom.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It says nothing about kissing them, though, Isha. That's true. That's, I think, your move. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine if they, like, stopped the fight? My move would be sumo kissing.

Just come on. Sumo kissing? Yeah. What, from your perfect squat position? Yeah. he's come on sumo kiss it what from your perfect squat position yeah that would be your finishing move oh he's going for the sumo snog yeah so basically i start in the squat position yeah the fight starts and as they're coming towards me i can roll on top of them and then snog them.

And then he just goes. And then Aleem's there on a laptop in the corner. Aleem's there, pants off, wanking. Very good. Very good. He has got an accent. He should have. Have you seen those YouTube videos where these guys,

they start fights with people in the ghetto. Like really egg them on. Yeah, bomb fights. Like white guys. And then they'll just pull out dildo we'll just start sprinting the other way any kind of homoeroticism has a lean showed you those videos to be in one of those videos yes that would be that would be my route one approach is homoeroticism it doesn't say anything about the bum there's nothing about the bum oh there you go Clavicle not allowed.

But it doesn't say bum bum. Homoeoticism. Carl, if you ever want to learn about the UFC, maybe we should talk a little bit more. Because I know the game. Tweet Dana and ask him. Can you finger arseholes?

I mean, it'd be frowned upon. They're like an advantage. Like an underhand serve at tennis. People are like, is that really? I'd be like... Can you pull their pants down? I used to go up to people at school and like... Can you pull their pants down? Right.

I used to go to people at school. Yeah? Do you reckon you can just go in... A little Gavin. Pull their pants off. To pants. Do the Gavin. Oh, my God.

The old gaffster. Gavin was the first man I ever kissed. Aw. Gavin. Have you ever kissed a man? Not the same, is it? Once or twice. Once or twice.

Once or twice. Let's have a break. Utterly ridiculous. Hayley. You took a couple of minutes to get into that. Why are we talking about one kid? It's on the charm

that Richard Servers is, Hayley, to be fair. I have a good squat. I do have a good squat. Fuck off with this squat. Wag wag lids. It's Dan. Hope you're enjoying today's episode.

Do us a favour. If you're watching on YouTube, like the video, subscribe. If you're listening, follow us on all socials at have a word pod. Tell a friend.

Do something. Help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year. If you want to come and see me, do stand up. Get tickets at dannightingale.com.

Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode. Could you make, I heard a sound like you were going to say something. So it stopped me talking. No, no, no. What are you going to say?

Hey. Hey. Hey. Should we do some advice? Yes. Yes. I feel like, because Hayley's here, Hayley seems like a very sensible person. So I feel like Because Hayley's here Hayley seems like a very sensible person

So I feel like the advice will be sensible She's an animal I am Hayley I'm here to help Right so Obviously it's people's lives man So let's take it fucking seriously You can't hear this It's very good Hey, David Tate says

Who is this Tate? In relation to Andrew Tate? Who is this Andrew Tate guy? My hero The most obnoxious I love him Cont He's great

He is a former mixed martial artist Who made his money in I don't know what but he's very wealthy very wealthy very wealthy yeah but is he is he or is he just telling you

no he's very wealthy but I also think he's a character I don't know why anyone takes him seriously but the reason you've seen him lots is you sign up to

Hustlers University which is his he looks like Cuba with the darker beard no he doesn't yeah he does but a doesn't Part of being part of Hustlers University is you edit clips of him

and put them out on social media that's why they're everywhere Are you sure this isn't Aleem? Is it Andrew Tate? Has he got a problem with women? He seems like he's massively misogynistic I think it's a character You love yeah but I think it's a character

ah you love a character yeah I think it's a bit of both I think it's some deep seated sexism mixed with him playing up to it playing up to it

oh he's making my timeline boring yeah can I just check out of this cunt some of the stuff he says I find myself going well he's got a point

oh he's also got the he's also got the he's also got the horrific half EnglishEnglish, half-American accent. Oh, I don't know what that accent is. Which is one of the worst. The Kelly Osbourne effect. The Liam Payne from One Direction. Yes.

Yeah, but Liam Payne's had like seven different accents at once, and he was fucking horrific. David Tate says, I'm not Andrew Tate. That's what he said. Good question. I reckon half-American, half-Aussie is worse. Go on. I can't do it half American, half Aussie is worse. Go on.

I can't do it. Right, great. G'day. Mate. David Tate says, greetings from New Zealand. Oh, Kiwi. Different country. I've been single for a bit now and doing a bit of casual dating.

What's your opinion on who should be paying for the date? I think it should be equal unless I've surprised the lady with an expensive place. Have we got a rule in? Hayley? Date?

Who's paying? I am a feminist until it comes to the check. And then they can pay it. Well, I mean, I should say split it

but depends on how much I've got on my account at the time you could just get each other's internet banking up and have a little whoever organises

the date pays yeah agreed if you go let's go out and both go yeah let's go and get them split

so her parents anyone yeah okay got a VAR on that one Anyone? Yeah, I don't care. Okay, I got a VAR on that one. The lines are being drawn right now. If you go, I'm taking you out, you can't make a payoff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you go, let's go for dinner,

and you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, then you pay off. I don't know if that works anymore. I'm taking you out. I don't even know you. No, I don't. Hello, fair maiden. May I take thee for a lovely Nando's dinner? As far as I'm basing it on a relationship

I don't know what it is For like dates Because I don't know I think dates Whoever sets up the date Pays Yeah I'm throwing it out there

It should be straight down The fucking middle Well it should be It really should Shouldn't it It should be Let's be honest If we're all trying to move past

The old sexist ways Then the whole thing of like Yeah but it is nice that a man page you're like if we are moving past all the bad bullshit that's one of you know it's the bill burr bit of like but it's also about wealth like for example i remember dating someone who was significantly wealthier than me her dad used to own nottingham forest right we're talking that level so yeah yeah the whole nottingham he was whole Nottingham. Yeah, the whole Nottingham. He was Robin Hood. And so when we went for a date... King John.

We went for a date, she'd go to Nobu, I'm like, I can't fucking afford this. Right. So she'd have to pay. But then as a man, I'd be like,

well, maybe I should pay. Yeah, but to be fair, you had made her come so hard, she was seeing three therapists. Already, I paid for the therapy, that's true. On Zoom. Yeah.

I think at that, where you're going matters Who organised it What stage of relationship you're at It's not black and white If you're gonna If they're sort of like If you're like I'm happy to pay half

Or whatever Well if they're sort of going I don't know what I mean Where my wallet is That's like You know Yeah Well the nice thing to do it is

You pay the bill And then they put the tip down. Like a £10, £20 note. What happened in your relationship when you were dating? How long have you been with your partner? Like nine years. Okay, so when you started dating, was he paying for everything? Yeah.

Right. And then when did you start? It hasn't stopped. I'm a comedian, mate. It's a fucking nightmare. As soon as Jonglers went down, I went down i went listen pal i was getting regular work it's been a nightmare the circuit is it's you know contracting if you're single now given how much you're making on the pod no i know i you you're all right you i get it you're right but the idea that men pay checks is outdated, all bullshit.

And if we, it might be, well, no, that's fine, isn't it? You're like, it kind of isn't fine. Because if we are going to do proper equality, then there are some old bullshitty things like, well, the dad gives away the bride, and there you go, and then you take his name, and everyone's like, oh, it's just one of those nice old things. It's so entrenched in sexism.

That's why I hate marriage, and you always tell me to- No, no, no, no. You sound like a stingy cunt who doesn't want to pay for a party. No, I don't want to go- What I'm saying is, there are these old vestiges of sexism

that if we're going to get rid of it, then we can't be like, but it is nice when a man pays, isn't it? No, I agree with you, but when you're watching first dates, when they don't pay, you're like, do you know what I mean? You shouldn't.

Yeah. Well, I call you a dog shit feminist, madam. Yeah. This is what a feminist looks like. Hello. Hiya. Nice to see you. You look like Andrew Tate.

Talk me through it. You're a feminist in Nobu. Or you're not a feminist in Nobu. Yeah, I'm not I know the reality is no boo I'm not a feminist

the reality is that there's loads of those little grey areas in there how okay because I think the link

to this question is how would you feel if your partner your female partner earned significantly more than you honestly so fucking good me too that's so good me too would you feel if your partner your female partner earned significantly more than you honestly so

fucking good me too me too i would love it yeah but the thing is i'm earning loads yeah it would be phenomenal it would be amazing laws you have my absolute permission to put me into fucking second spot yeah and we're leaving Sorghal. I'm going to buy Nottingham. But I would be fine with my partner earning more than me. But I also know that there's a perception issue there because there'll be women on there being like, yeah, but as a man,

you should be earning more than your partner. But we're back to the old bullshit. We're back to the bullshit. Do you care about that what if he if he earns if if you earn more than him would would he do you think he would be emasculated no how would he feel about it great okay yeah he'd be like dan my kind of lad yeah no he'd be happy yeah also anything he'd be happy i like to be the protector so i like to be the one who like but that comes from the patriarchy.

The patriarchy's affected men more than women because you feel... Oh, Ishan, you are coming out with some absolute corkers. Bit of an Andrew Tate fan. Tell me about... I'll tell you what. Tell Hayley about the patriarchy. The thing is, because the patriarchy is so inherently bad,

it's so inherently bad, men have been forced into believing they have to protect it. So we do shit like this. No, I don't because the patriarchy is so inherently bad, it's so inherently bad, men have been forced to believe they have to protect it. So we do shit like this. No, I don't protect the patriarchy. I mean, I like to be like the protector. That's a patriarchal idea. That's a patriarchal idea. You feel like you have to protect it.

But I like it. Because you think you like it, because generations of men have made you believe that you should. No, but I also still do, though. I am joking. Mate, when Lossie bring back the bank, mate, daddy's gonna be a fucking home husband. I can't wait to be a home husband.

I can't wait. You'll have two sheds. One for Ishan to wank in. Yes, please. Yeah, one that's been burnt. My wank shed. One garden office that is like the bombed out church. I couldn't find a bin for the tissue.

Yeah, Etta. Oh, I bet you don't clean it often as well. Etta goes in there. Oh. office that is like the bombed out church i couldn't find a bin for the tissue yeah i bet you don't clean it often as well etta goes in there oh it's under the sofa it's fine oh great no i'm joking you definitely did though no i didn't i tell you i don't think men should pay half but i think you should pay for half my garden office you horrible wanker and the worst thing is i love him so much he's welcome back is that how you repaid my racism in a taxi

yeah yeah this will show him what's this let me paint the walls I do hate some of that bullshit but it's so true you do feel like you need to pay

yeah what about what about I'll pay mains you pay puddings okay yeah can we do it can we do a two thirds male male, one-third female?

Then I'd be looking for the cheapest bit. If it was my... Do you know what? I'll just have a coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They come to pudding, we're like, I don't really fancy it. Lots of the tippers,

you pay the bill and the other person leaves the tip. Yeah, but tipping isn't the thing we do here. In the UK, it'd be like, if it was in the States, you'd have to leave a good tip, wouldn't you? Me and Adam do it. If I paid the bill,

he'll pay the tip. That's amazing. You spend 80 quid on the meal and she puts five quid down. I mean, the five pound tip, what percent is that? You're better than that. Yeah, I know, but Carl, you and Adam are not, that's not how people tip in this country.

Like, that's not how it works. That's not what I'm saying. What do you mean? Because you could go, right, cool, we've just been to Hickory's in Chester, 60 quid meal between us. Oh, we've had a nice one. Tell you what, babe, I'll pay this.

You leave the tip and she's like, five pounds? Yeah. And that's two four six yeah I don't do coppers that's cheap five ten twenty yeah

I think it's a fine way of doing it no because tipping isn't we don't have a tipping culture in the UK we should do yeah but whether we should or not

you never go to a restaurant to not tip the thing is lad Carl likes to be the protector of waitresses there's no way you go for a meal I'm your dad now it's 20 quid tip you don't go i always put 20 quid down as a tip there you go regardless of how much you pay yeah yeah there you go perfect but that's because that's because of the patriarchy and how you've made him suffer That's what I thought. Yay! Oh, nicely done.

Cut off point. Question. Mary, what do you think about this? Question. I need to ask one. Mary Lewis says, what's happening, boys? Hello. So I've been training to be a nurse for three years now.

Last week, I found out that I failed my degree. Oh, shit. Sorry. What's happening, boys? So I've been training to be a nurse for three years now. Last week, I found out I failed my degree and will no longer be able to fulfil my dream of being a mental hearth...

Mental hearth. Mental hearth. Mental hearth. Mental hearth. I failed my degree because I couldn't pronounce mental hearth. It's how she wrote it. That's why she failed. I want to be a mental health nurse I'm mental

Mental health nurse Or does she just want to be a health nurse You might not answer it to me Fucking patriarchy Sign up at patriarchy.com Each answer pick Not again Of being a mental health nurse sign up at patriarchy.com slash each and a pig of being of being a mental health nurse.

So I'm looking for advice on some new career paths I could take. Thanks so much. This is from Mary. P.S. Tell Adam I'm single. Is it Mary Big Ed from school?

He doesn't go with people who fail their degrees. He failed his degree. He left after one week. Yeah, but he didn't even do it. That's failing. It is. That's withdrawing.

No, it's the same thing. Oh, God. He failed to get a degree. You didn't make me come then. I withdrew. I withdrew. I haven't even heard voices. Pathetic.

So Mary wants a new career path because she failed mental health. Does she obviously want to do some social work? Does she want to do some sort of caring? What about personal training, Mary? Oh, yeah. Have you got Zoom? Counselor. Can you do a squirt?

Don't you have to have a degree to be a counselor? No, you can retrain as a counselor. You don't need a degree for that. You could be like a Zoom counselor and just be honest and be like, listen. They better help yeah use code word a lehman mary meant so she's trained to be a mental health nurse yeah she's fallen short but what she fall see what you need to know is fucking the patient how badly she's failed i don't know yeah yeah do you know i mean is it because she was going out having a drink having a party or is it because

she was terrible mental health? Yeah, yeah. She stood up in the middle of a lecture and shat on a table. Yeah. Because there is different ways of failing, isn't there?

She was constantly like, there's nothing wrong with you. Your sound. Can I walk? Oh, man up. Can I walk? You should buy a knife. Yeah.

I've got some here. The worst counsellor ever. Sit down. Fucking hell. You stink. Get a I've got some here. The worst counsellor ever. Sit down. Fucking hell. You stink. Get a wash, you dirty mental. I can see why you're single. Nurse O'Leary.

Yeah, Nurse O'Leary. The most chilled out mental health nurse ever. Yeah, yeah, fucking hell. Fucking murdering. Murdering stars. Those thoughts in your head. Keep them in your head, mate. Keep them in your fucking head.

It's nice to fantasise, isn't it? She can retrain as a therapist, surely. She can retrain as a therapist. It's not... I don't think we're trying to give a real career advice. Ishan taking it dead seriously. Lifeguard. Lifeguard.

Yeah. But lifeguard when I'm in the post, which is dead easy. Yeah. With Mary like, he's fucking mental I think we'll Pass your details along

To Adam though Yeah I think that sounds good Doesn't it Failed mental health nurse Would be great Because he Adam

Pretends he's not mental Like he's like No I know We joke around about it But he's It might be Mary Bighead From school as well Who's Mary Bighead

Tell us about Mary Bighead She school as well who's Mary Bighead tell us about Mary Bighead she's the girl in our sixth form with the big head was she fit with a big head hang on

she had a big head and you called her Mary Bighead yep right cool that's why she's working in mental health now

yeah we didn't like we liked we liked on the nose subtlety wasn't important couldn't miss with her. Like it was on the phone.

I think I've said this before. A girl who was always on the phone, but she was pretending cause she was nervous. So like she'd walk past a group of lads and be like, ah. Well you knew that wasn't a real phone. Sorry. What? In class.

She walked past a group of lads and went, ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. They loved it. No phones. She I went, ha ha. Ha ha. They loved it. No phones. She's like, ha ha. I'm gonna be really self-conscious if I don't do this.

I just picked out a hot bowl from a microwave. Ha ha. Yeah, there was a- She did that as well, it's ringing. There was- What did you call her? Who? On the phone.

On the phone, right. It was Kate Suckendildo. It's a girl called tate it's like catch just say what you see yeah yeah there was there was polsky big tits is that a lad that sounds like a ufc fighter you know what the no we're not trying to be subtle with any of these things. Did you have one, though? No, I was just calming. Really?

What was that then? Thigh eye. Yeah. You got a thigh eye, yeah. Thigh eye. You've never heard thigh eye? I've heard them do that bit of material, but they're just saying it's funny, isn't it?

It's funny, yeah. Thigh eye. Hang on. Did you not have one? Or have you just not heard yours? Yeah. What would mine be? Dead cool, sexy kid.

Yeah. Fucking boring. Pedo swimmer. Carl! This is your 20 metre swimming badge. At least try. No. Sign that lease, lad.

Don't call me. Nah. I'm on the phone. Nah. did you have a nickname hayley um well not that i know of i definitely did i definitely what do you reckon they would have gone for i mean i don't want to talk about because i'm going to need to speak to mary about mental health problems we're going to this hayley smell us yeah ell Yeah, Ellis Smellis, yeah. Okay. Smellis, yeah. Yeah, it's quite easy, that one. See, I give the names,

I don't take them. Hayley Smellis. I bully. I don't get bullied. That's why I didn't get a name. What would Dan's be? Mine was Moomin. Oh, yeah, I can see that.

Because I look like Moomin, sure. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Thanks, mate. I'm glad you could see it. Yeah, I can really see it what was yours snack bar

snack bar Ishan snack bar yeah the length of his cock moving on speed round no it's not sure

I've got wind I've got a call she was on the phone pretending all the time. Sarah Northwood says, hey lids, looking for some advice as I'm a 29 year old

with no male friends. Sexist. And I'm looking for a man's point of view. Is it? Better. Is it a she? Yes.

It's Sarah Northwood. I didn't hear that. Well, you've got to listen though, haven't you? Is it a she? It's Adam. He doesn't listen. Is it an LBTQ plus K? Oh, he's deaf. Okay, I didn't hear that. Well, you've got to listen, though, haven't you? Is it a she? It's Adam. He doesn't listen. Is it an LBTQ plus K?

Oh, he's deaf. Oh, sorry. Sign it. Do you know sign language? That's bad, isn't it? Sign it! Do you know it? It's the language of your people.

He knows this one. Yeah? You don't know the language of your people? That's awful. They're not my people. They are? I emigrated to deafness i was late he hasn't got a passport i don't want to integrate that's shit all right you can't have any more people you've got too many right sarah northwood says i'm a lady thanks for asking is, Ishan. You pig. I'm bisexual

and have recently come out of a seven-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. As we're in a serious same-sex relationship, we'd researched the process of IVF and looked into ways

for us to have a family. Now, the relationship is over, but my biological clock is still ticking away. I really want a baby and I'm seriously considering going through ivf alone it's obviously a lengthy process i'm turning 30 this year and a woman's fertility

only declines from that age onwards i mean you're telling ishan about that he's suffering with the patriarchy thanks sarah um even though i'm not against another relationship at some point i can't imagine finding someone and get into a position where I'd feel comfortable enough to have a baby with them before my eggs are scrambled, so to speak. So my question is, as guys, if you were single, would you be put off dating someone if they'd gone it alone and already had a child? Obviously, minus the baby daddy dramas. Thanks, lads. Love the pod.

That's from Sarah, a woman. She's actually signed off sarah sarah a woman so sarah is a bisexual lady who's had a seven-year relationship with a lady and now she wants a baby she wants a baby she's got ages she's only 29 yeah she's got more time than she thinks yeah surely she's got like 10 years Is that right Yeah And if she's nervous She can freeze her eggs When it's easy Yeah

Yes She can freeze her eggs To do what with Go to Iceland Fucking Right Freeze them Hide them

Like you hide a t-shirt Behind your fingers But you can She can go for chicken nuggets Maybe some of these But no She can freeze her eggs Can't she

And then when she's ready She can Yeah I'm a geriatric mob. Yeah. How old are you? If you're over 23, you're a geriatric mob. Yeah, it's something like...

Especially in fucking Kirby, around the community hospital. Fuckin' hell, 19. What is it? My mum had her first come when she was 17. Over 35. That's insane, isn't it? Wow. Over 35 is a geriatric mob.

And over 24 is a mature student as well. Yeah, yeah. And over 26 is a MILiatric mum and over 24 is a mature student as well and over 26 is a milf am I right what that stands knowledge knowledge of being a mum knowledge of being a student knowledge of porn

but the key question was whether we would be happy to raise help be in a relationship with someone who's had a kid by themselves i think it's cool i'll tell you right now i'm 41 and if laura leaves me the women with kids

are my virtually my only option like i get called old on this podcast all the time i don't want to be relationship with under 25 i was like what what are you talking about what's fraggle rock like i don't i want to not that's what is what i don't know what fraggle rock is i see i'm no interest in banging this is my call cut off for someone who i'm banging laura don't go anywhere because don't go anywhere this is why i love laura because she knows Fraggle Rock. And she cleans up tissues from the garden office sometimes. Eshan. You don't remember Fraggle Rock?

Remember. Jim Henson's Fraggle Rock. Down to Fraggle Rock. Grab a Fraggle by the cock. Is this the time when everyone was in the Flintstones? I don't even know where you were raised. Which community? Is this the time when everyone on television was in the Flintstones. I don't even know where you were raised. Which community? Is this the time

when everyone on television was a paedophile? What? Is this the time when everyone on television was a paedophile? You mean the period before yours?

Yeah. Bedrock is the Flintstones, isn't it? Yeah. Right. That's what I do as well. I'm just saying, there is an age limit,

so I totally appreciate... Legally, there is an age limit. There is. I've spoken... I've got a lawyer that I meet on Zoom. There is legally. There is. I've spoken, I've got a lawyer that I meet on Zoom. It's called a limb. Let's check your diary,

see where you were between the hours of the murder. Yeah, bro, don't worry about it. It's sound, isn't it? That's kind of what it sounds like, bro. 19,

she's basically a geriatric. Oh, 19, sorry. Oh, he said 90. What's Fraggle Rock? What is Fraggle Rock? I've never heard of it, mate. Down Fraggle Rock What is Fraggle Rock I've never heard of it mate Down a Fraggle Rock Finger Fraggle

By the cock Swinging round your head Till the fuck is done Oh I know They look like They look scary as fuck Nice one Well I don't want to have

That conversation I don't know who they are though I've never watched them With someone I'm going to Build a life with Well that'd be awful Because they were like No I just like watching

Unboxing videos And you're like Eh eh eh eh What was Finger Mouse That sounded interesting It's like I only know it Was that beautiful? Because they were like, no, just like watching unboxing videos and you're like, eh, eh, eh, eh. What was Finger Mouse? That sounded interesting. It's like, I only know it. Finger Mouse is dead old.

Yeah. Oh. It's literally a man with a bit of paper on his finger. What? Yeah. You used to spoil

the riches back in your day. Finger Mouse wasn't our day, Dickhead. No, it wasn't our day. It was like way before. Yeah. Finger Mouse was one of the original

what were the ones from art from when in the 80s button moon button moon we're off to button moon to thunder cats thunder thunder cats from the cats are loose oh that one the cats are on the loose another song conversation with the woman remember now basically do Peter Kay's set to any woman I'm dating and she's like I don't get it I'm like well I'm not going to fuck you I'm Brad Fraggle

Rock so basically if you want to fuck women who know about Fraggle Rock you have to accept they're probably three kids and two divorces

did you watch Biker Mice from Mars Mars was it Mars yeah of course it was unbelievable there's a kid in it called

the bad guy is called Carl Michael my name is Carl Michael yeah there it is so I was there called, the bad guy is called Carmichael. My name is Carl Michael. So I was like, I'm the bad guy. You sounded special then when you said that. Do you know Michael makes some space? He's called, the baddies called Carl Michael. And that's my name.

Ha. I think you did have a nickname behind your back. Special Carl stood in the pool like, does anyone remember the on my suspense? I'm the bike guy, pretend to be on bikes. I'm a deaf in school. I think no one gave you a nickname cause they thought you were special needs.

But in your school, did you have to like swim and get the brick? Would you just like to slide? Yeah. I just let someone else do it. I just let my pajamas. Carl did it. He just gave the brick a name.

Shitting on moving brick. Yeah. Yellow and red swimming nonce Stick your whistle up your ass I wouldn't get the brick I'd watch some other gimp do it And I'd just stand there like Watch what Whatever her name was

Swimming lessons Swim over there Go fuck yourself Swimming nowhere Very big ass On the phone You can get it. Very big headspin. Get in there. On the phone.

You can get it. Put your phone down. Get in the pool. This was me in sixth form. This is why I failed sixth form. So I think that gives you an answer. I'd be happy to date someone who's had a kid by themselves. Absolutely.

Because it gives me the opportunity to be a dad, but if I'm shit, it doesn't really matter because they're not my kids. Talking about biological clocks, time's ticking on you, mate. You know? Why?

You get Iceland free, someone that jizz. Why? In fact, don't worry. I'll use your tissue sample and get it in the freezer. I've got 20, 30 years in me. He's a verile man.

I'm a very verile man. I've seen that squat, I don't know. Yeah. My semen's very powerful. Is that like Trump? Very powerful. I said, wow.

It's the best. That's a lot of jizz. The best semen you've ever seen. I jizzed. I said, wow, that's a lot of jizz. I came on her. I said, wow. That's a lot of jizz.

I'm Leo Varadkar. I think this sounds phenomenal, Sarah, to be honest. As long as you're looking to date older men. Because honestly, if you're out there on the market and you're like, I've got a baba, and I'm like, oh, cool, to some fucking weird ex-boyfriend, he's like, no, I just got it.

Yeah, but I think the fact there's no baggage. When the baby daddy's a pipette. Yeah, but that's better, isn't it? Fucking great. There's no baggage of a dickhead ex. Sarah, I think it's great. Yeah, go for it. I think more people are going to be into it than youette. Yeah, but that's better, isn't it? Fucking great. There's no baggage of a dickhead ex. I think it's great. Yeah, go for it. I think more people are going to be into it than you realise.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Holy. Do it. I'm pro-Ivy, yeah? I am very pro-Ivy, yeah. I wish you were pro-women. How did I become the misogynist on this one?

You sit in Adam's seat. That's what happens. It just transfers. It just comes through your body and out of your mouth. Let's end with some sexy corners. Yes. We haven't got a jingle. We need someone to sing.

Ishan, can you sing sexy corner? Right, so sexy corner. We're trying to, this is a new feature. If you've got any unsolicited um grinder tinder plenty of fish what minder muslim tinder that's real what minder all right yeah wouldn't it be much it'd be vinda surely mose match no don'tatch yeah Mozmatch is real yeah are you making me say racist things

Mozmatch is real Mozmatch yeah shardy.com what shardy shardy means marriage shardy.com

yeah have you got a code for any of these yeah it's always Carl10 Carl10 10% off right yeah

I'm just broadening the net so if you've got any I'm the whitest podcast in the country I'm just broadening the net so if you've got any I'm the whitest podcast in the country I'm just broadening the net not that white not white enough recently I yeah just send them in

especially we really like the written people have been sending us like quick ones with oh there's a picture and especially when they've got flowery in their creative writing

works very well do you want a jingle? just sing a jingle for us we haven't really got it nailed or there's a picture and especially when they've got flowery in their creative writing, works very well. Do you want a jingle? Just sing a jingle for them. We haven't really got it nailed. Someone sent one in and I'm not that in love with it. I'm making love to you like you want me to.

I'm going to stop you there, kid. That's so good. We're going to get copyright infringed. It needs to be called about sexy corner. Sexy corner. Sexy corner. Why don't you send us your sexy DMs

send us your sexy pictures pictures we're gonna talk about it no pictures can't put pictures in the intro

sexy DMs sending you sexy DMs DMs sending you sexy messages messages we're gonna talk

about them on the have a word podcast you nearly forgot the have a word podcast you nearly forgot the name of the podcast on the have a word podcast

on the it's time Darren sexy corner right someone make that please

is it hang on hang on now yeah listen yeah is there any chance we could get a little bit of Someone make that, please. They will, it'll be made. Hang on, hang on. Now, listen. Yeah.

Is there any chance we could get a little bit of the Bollywood flavour with it? Is that too... Can I put some music on and you jam to it? I can do that. Oh. I'm running the hacker. Down a lamin. That's when you're really no business.

Yeah. I bet a big Maori girl We're not doing the music Someone make that into a thing I'll just put it in Sexy con Let's get sexy Let's get sexy

Stefan Johansson says Just received a love letter on Grindr. Oh. You might enjoy. This one's from the gays. This was from a bloke I've never interacted with before. Now, what we find with the sexy corner is it works best if we do it in an accent. So you get first choice on accent.

For me to do? No, for me to do. Okay. Thank God for that um scottish all right glaswegian the most the most gay of all the accents yeah yeah blowy is that your entry phrase the thing is with scottish it's so tempting To go Fucking Glaswegian Yeah

And sound like a Fucking Totally Glaswegian gay Blow it Walk in Unzip Fuck my mouth And spunk

All over my face Zip up And walk out Leave me there Drenched in your load Nothing needed in return Any use That's a That's a So that's a A DM in your load. Nothing needed in return. Any use?

That was a that was actually. So that's a DM. That's a DM on Grindr. I think any use at the end. Yeah. I quite like it because it's very clear about what he wants. Yeah. And like Big Ed Mary. A lot on the nose. Mary Big Ed. Mary Big Ed. Sorry.

Another one from a different lad. Can you give me an accent? You shall. Give him an accent. Dutch. Hey, how are you doing? Sorry, I know this is really weird,

but would you potentially let me smell your feet? Yes, actually. Smell my feet. And the last one. South Korean No Are these all to the same fella? Yeah oh yeah

Stefan Johansson's Getting fucking Fucking His options on Grindr I would love to see Canadian Stefan's a good looking lad He sounds like one

Oh no this one has to be Scouse Can I go Scouse on this one? This is the whole interaction They've had This is the full message hi lads you're fitter than my bird from carl i'll protect you oh that's nice listen you'll see people in the pool now just standing there going this i've never seen anyone that's what happened you've done it with me haven't you we've just stood in the pool now just standing there going this i've never seen anyone that's what happened you've done it with me haven't you we've just stood in the pool before yeah because

what you said it's a thing isn't it yeah i can't imagine he sets off for a swim you're like you don't swim in the pool you stand in it i was just annoyed what are they goggles try hard jess terry says hey up lids on the topic of a weird shit said in a romantic setting I was just annoyed. What are they? Goggles. Try hard. Jess Terry says, hey Uplids, on the topic of weird shit said in a romantic setting, I once went on a first date with a man

and it had gone well so we spent the night together. I told him, I like people talking dirty to me to get me going. This grown ass man looked me straight in the eye and said,

accent, Bangladeshi. Bangladeshi. I want to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado. Fuck off. Safe to say that did not happen

and I left his flat fairly quickly after that. Years later, we bumped into each other on a night out and he awkwardly asked if I'd ever told anyone that story. Just a VAR on that one. I want to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado. How was the Bangladeshi?

It wasn't Bangladeshi. What was it? Generic Madagascar. Racist. Madagascar. Generic Madagascar? Yeah. Prince Julian?

Yeah. You always do Prince Julian when you do an Indian accent. I know, but Prince Julian's fucking great. Whatever happened to separation of the classes? Do Kazakh for the next one. I want to discuss

the disobedient avocado. Can we just, yeah, discuss the disobedient avocado. Why is the avocado, it was brown when she cut it open. Like, what, like, I don't,

why is the avocado being naughty? Tell me, why is the avocado being naughty? Also, a disobedient avocado would be brown, not green. It's not ripe.

Yeah. I mean, a disappeared avocado would be a melon. Yeah. If we really get it into it. Yeah, yeah. This isn't an avocado. I know it's a naughty avocado. It's actually a garlic bread and cheese from Domino's.

I don't get what he was going to do like that, because that's like role play, isn't it? Yeah, he's a fucking... He's going to try and get the stoner. Oh, sorry. The stoner. Oh, God, that's disgusting. Hayley!

I cannot say the most disgusting thing on this podcast. Hayley took it too far. That's all I'm saying. That is too far. Boo! Do you know who I blame? The patriarchy. Upset me.

Problematic. Upset me. Problematic. Upset me. Upset me. Do you want to go on? Josh! Upset me! Nasty! Hayley.

Can't call that nasty. So Emily Howard says, here are some opening gambits on dating websites that I've used. Kazakh. I'm just going to do them in a normal accent because there's quite a few of them. So one guy called Josh has opened the

interactions by saying Gemma Collins thought I'd break the ice ooh I like it ooh that is not good is it Josh that is not good hey this one's from Kyle hey do you want to know the difference between a washing machine and a woman

and she's put no I don't oh well I'm going to tell you anyway't oh well i'm gonna tell you anyway oh well i'm gonna tell you anyway washing machines don't cry when i put a load in them yeah good guy and another guy hey emily you any good at sucking cock that was that was adam adam rowe i told you that one my mate had. Well, I never told you it before. My mate had one, and it was like years ago, and it was like the asterisk when you spell something wrong. And he's like, I want to Alan you.

And then he put an asterisk, but sorry, slam. Alan. Alan. Alan the fucking Alan. Fucking Alan, you know. I thought it might be anal. No. But it wasn't. It was slam. That is great. I want to fuck Alan you. It's like- Fucking Alan your head off. I thought it might be anal. No. But it wasn't, it was slam.

No slam you. That is great. I want to anal you. I want to Alan you. That should be- Don't you say that to me. But the fact that- Not while making eye contact.

Alan. Asterix. Last one, last accent. Kazakh. Kazakh. How's this Kazakh? Hello, miss. How are you doing today?

How was your week? Been like sound of the person I have read about. Is there a chance of me getting to know her for real? As it seems no one chats on here. I'm John. Live and work in London. Honest, caring, respectful, hardworking, single, looking for someone to build a friendship with, someone we could

communicate together and be there for each other, there is nothing like a perfect partnership unless the two parties are prepared now read what they've written there's nothing like a perfect oh no it's got to be Welsh, nothing like a perfect partnership unless the two

parties are prepared to work together. They devote time for each other and make sacrifices and compensate each other as they build on the friendship in the journey they travel. And she responded by saying, that's the longest sentence ever. You just thought like... There isn't one bit of punctuation in the whole bit.

Oh my God. You could have been like an asterisk, sorry, just want to bang. I just want to Alan. What's the best chat up line you've received? I don't receive them. Well, no, it's not a chat up line. I don't think I've ever had one.

What was the one that you nearly said? No, it was someone... I spoke to Lou Conner about this. Someone came up to me after a gig and told me that I had a droopy lower scapula. No. That was a chat online. Why are men so weird?

That was medical advice, though. Yeah, but I was just like, what are you on about? No, but like... That's not the same as being chatted up, is it? Like, I was in the doctors the other day. They were like, you're morbidly obese

and you need to stop smoking. I'm like, stop talking about it. Stop it. No, he could have said, I'm going to give you a wonky lower scapula that would have been a chat up line

wow I'm going to give you bad posture no he was like you really need to swim I'm going to give you bad posture for the rest of your life

yeah what you need to do is go swimming with Carl what's that now I'm not trying to lease out films on a Baltic triangle can you please

can you please release a calendar called Swimming with Carl? Right. One picture every month of you standing in different positions. In different swimming pools, though, like real sunset beach. Kirby Leisure Centre. Swimming with Carl. Fuck it, what a shit-maker wish that is.

That is. I want to swim with dolphins, never mind that. Go and stand with Carl at the Kirby Community Centre. If someone was drowning, though, can you actually swim? I'm a great swimmer. That's why I don't need to do it. We have no evidence. What do you mean?

You don't know anything about swimming either. No, but you're standing in the pool. Yeah. I'm also sitting down. Now you know I can stand up. Can someone watch this, Remake Jaws? By the way, we're not watching another person stand up and applauded amazing god have you been going on soon that was a good squat i'm sorry what else does he have you doing i do those weights and stuff planks

push-ups pull-ups you can't do a pull-up i can do one right one's all you need but yeah i hope it becomes a trend now up and down the country people just standing in the pool just do it go to his phone stand there it's so pervy it's not there's no one in there no but if you do it do you do it when there are other people in there do you stand in the pool i mean i don't stand i just stand at the Do you just stand in the pool I mean I don't stand in I just stand at the side Just like chilling in the pool Do you sound like a paedophile It's not full of children

If you're in a family pool David Lloyd's not full of children Fuck It's one fucking His head's just turning up Yeah but I'm not going 850 quid 850 quid

One child swim Fucking sorry People are going to start doing it 850 good one child swim off on sorry people are going to start doing it no like planking was the thing do it go to your nearest pool

and just stand there I don't know why everyone else doesn't do it send pictures in of you just standing oh yeah that's funny they love that in swimming pools

people taking pictures oh yeah yeah yeah particularly in those kids areas oh don't worry about it it's for the internet it's not weird it's not weird it's going on Twitter kids areas. Oh, don't worry about it. It's for the internet. It's not weird. It's not weird.

It's going on Twitter. If I have a word, don't worry about it. I think it's more normal than you're making out. Yeah, it's more normal than swimming. Yeah, more normal

than swimming, yeah. So you get in a pool. You know all those refugees, what they do, they get in a channel, they just stand there and wait for the tide to set. You get in a pool

and just always swim. You can't stop. You're just swimming at all times. I and just always swim. You can't stop. You're just swimming all the time. I'm not a shark. I can't stop. But you never swim. You just basically stand with wet legs. No, and a flat torso.

Fucking men. Do you know, this says a lot. We need Adam to come back. No, because Adam would be like, that's right. He's done it with me. Adam stands in the pool with me. I can believe that.

Two seconds. Two seconds. No phones in the pool. Steve does it with me. Steve does it with me as well. He stands in the pool with me. So he's basically creating a wall. Steve does everything with you.

I'm going to Japan. I'm coming with. You get in the steam room and then you get in the pool and cool down You don't start swimming Fucking ridiculous Sexy Corner guys Girls

If you've had Any interaction Online That's a bit cringy Please do send it in We love We love the Sexy Corner Because I'm bored of ending on

Haber words We want a Sexy Corner Wake up Nice and sexy You were staring then No think of a sexy song ishan's fucking screensaver is oh god you've got a tiktok notification probably from a limb stand up hayley stand up how you ain't gonna fuck

um hayley yes thanks for coming on mate thanks for having me um this uh you're on tour sometimes aren't you yes sometimes yes sometimes yes I am

um London London London when are you in London can't you in what days desperate

yeah use code just try and get in just use code she's desperate yeah London just use code I'm Hayley's mate you get in a free show she's desperate for London just use code

I'm Hayley's mate you get an appreciation when are you in London 30 you live in London don't you I do yeah 30th of August

I'm going to be in London oh yeah and watch him stand up and sit down does it fit in with your diary though can you go I'm doing a double that night

what time is your show can't compete with that what time is the show don't actually know I don't want to even look at the stats anymore because it's upsetting me too much

where else are you playing on the tour the rest of the year you've got another Manchester date Liverpool when's Liverpool August something

soon Liverpool is yes August 18th August 18th go and see Hayley she's absolutely superb Ishan's on tour

yes I am I'm going to's on tour. Yes, I am. I'm going to be on tour. All the links are in the website. And Ishan is going to be at the Have A Word Live at the Arena on December the 9th. Tickets still available. Not many, though. We are getting closer and closer to the point where it will sell out. Ishan is going to be doing a major...

No, I know. Watch him squat live. That's a teaser fucking... He's going to be standing up out of a chair. Watch. Live. Honestly, you'll be so impressed

at my form. Yeah. Next year, 2023, he's going to touch his toes. I'm joking. I can't. I would like to be able

to touch my toes. See his toes. Sad. I can't see my toes because my dick's in the way. Oh my God, it is Adam. I've got a song to play us out. If you're not listening on Spotify.

Oh, I'd love, love to hear it. This is from a Liverpool-based indie pop band called More In Love. And this is their most recent single called Living For Two. So yeah, if you listen to Spotify or any audio, you will hear a lovely song coming up. Sign up to the Patreon, patreon.com slash haveawordpod. At the end of July, we hit 16,000 Patreons. Appreciate the tits off you.

The specials are coming thick and fast. Just released last week is the Rugby League special where we went to Lorette de Mar. And it was an absolute epic. The patron is one of the biggest in the world. Last time I checked, it was 23rd, 22nd. 22nd biggest in the world. That's for a reason.

Enjoy the song after the pod. Thank you, Hayley. Thank you, Ishan. Adam's back next week. Cheers, lads. Bye. Bye. Bye Hayley. Thank you, Ishan. Adam's back next week. Cheers, lads. Bye. Bye. Bye, Felicia.

Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Sitting around for three, six, five I think I'm slowly losing my mind Spending time drinking wine You and I been touching sky The only thing I don't want that job, oh I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that killing with you I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that living for two Sometimes you gotta move with the tide

Gotta focus on yourself and go along for the ride Cause I've been thinking life's not made for stressing Stop your second guessing, maybe then you'll learn your lesson I just wanna make it better, make it better I just wanna make it better, make it better I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that killing with you I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that killing with you

I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that living for two to I don't want to be famous I just want to make that killing with you I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that living fortune I just wanna make that I don't want to be famous I just wanna make that I just wanna make make that living for two.