Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #185 with Phil Chapman - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 14, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. We're back. We are back. We're back. Public episode.

Oh, we're all together, yeah? It's the kind. It's the episode in three weeks where we're all here. Well, I didn't go on Aldi, so that's why we're all together. Yeah. You've had a pretty nice holiday. 145 grand holiday. I think it came up to 140 overall. Yeah, but you didn't have to pay VAT, so that's all right.

It was a right off. You've had your holidays for this year. You're done. I haven't. I'm going to Paris't have to pay VAT. So that's fine. It was a write-off. Yeah. You've had your holidays for this year. You're done. I haven't. I'm going to Paris. You've got the finger. Abu Dhabi and skiing. No.

First of all, Paris and Abu Dhabi, they are work trips for our new Whistle 40 pod. So they're not holidays. They're write-offs. Yeah. Write-off.

They are though. You're going to do research on MMA. Oh, yes. Mate, if you can do a tax write-off on football kits, you are going to be, they're going to be a massive rebate coming yes if you can do a tax write-off on football kits you are gonna be they're gonna be a massive rebate coming for you kid they owe me a million pounds fucking rishi sorting you out lad and then we're going skiing aren't we i'm so excited for skiing and it's nothing to do with the skiing like i don't care you know the skiing plan you're coming

yeah yeah yeah i'm attentive yeah yeah i didn't get clearance for a week yeah but you'll be there for new year i'm gonna try and come out on the 29th back on the second that's fine yeah so we're gonna we're gonna go for just over new year and i'm just really excited to be with a load of people that i love and two people that i tolerate for five six days just getting drunk in the snow who could they be find out on next week's Patreon exclusive. There's just a couple of people coming who are cunts. Do you know what I mean? Didn't you organise it?

Did you just throw them in there? No cunts. Oh, Ishan's coming. Brennan's coming. Just don't name them. They're the nice ones. So the lids go skiing. Never skied before?

I'm snowboarding. Okay, cool. Yeah. Are you snow skied before? I'm snowboarding Okay cool yeah Are you snowboarding or skiing? I'm going to do a bit of both Right That's how you learn isn't it You do two things instead of one I know I want to take the piss but

If you've never been before It's pretty good You might No I'm going to have skis on my feet And then snowboard on my hands You can't fall over What can I go? Fucking Catherine Wheel.

We need lessons first. I think you should go toboggan. I can't even say it. Toboggan. Can you do that? I mean, you can kill children. That's how that'll go. Could I just sled down the mountain?

Could I just get like a bin lid and sit in that the options are snowboard skis they're the traditionals then you can go mono board which no one does which is two skis together on one long board but you're facing down they were popular in like the late 80s early 90s and they are for exceptional skiers and you look like a dick you basically have to be a french gigolo to even be allowed to buy one just like that all the way down uh then mini skis they're for like stunts and whatnot they're kind of harder but they look kind of fun they're like ice skates. Yeah. But they're about that long. Right.

The luge. You could do the luge. Yeah, yeah. Toboggan. I suppose you could do toboggan. Yeah. They do that on some ski holidays. Like, oh, we have a nighttime thing where they light up the slopes, and then you have, like, tobogganing.

But it's so fucking dangerous because you basically can't stop. You're just a missile, aren't you? That sounds fun, though, and I get to sit down. sometimes they do inflatables on the slopes on those night ones they basically have like blown up ding like rings and they let you go down like the ones you'd go in a pool with or not with me yeah i could just go down a mountain on a big fucking giraffe is that a fucking unicorn honestly Honestly. Oh, God. Watching you come down a mountain on an inflatable unicorn, I think I'd be complete. You know when you're like, and I'm done.

I've seen everything there is to be seen. I'm just so excited. I don't think I'm ever happier than when I'm in a group of me mates having a laugh, just doing anything. Do you know I got a bit of anxiety with the Rugby League special, because it was my idea to go to watch rugby, and it was my idea to go to the Rect de Mar.

And all along, even though you guys had agreed to it, but particularly you, you'd been like, yeah, all right. And I always feel like, I don't know if Adam's into this. There was a point on that Saturday afternoon where it was so nice watching how fucking content you were. And it was the opposite of the anxiety.

Like in the buildup, I'm like, is Adam going to get there? And be like, I can't be arsed. You on the Saturday, you were just like, several times you kept going, I'm fucking having a fucking great time. Just sad. Sad. Carl had moved his sun lounger to face us.

Absolute maverick. like there's people on the beach going who is that guy who the fuck is that guy is he wearing black socks on a beach absolutely 10 seconds maybe yeah and the picture was taken he faced he faced us which made so much sense i've just never seen anyone do it in the history of beaches i do i do i do stuff like that um and you were just so happy and it was basically because you've got mates, you just sat there. We had, you know. Like several of your friends.

A little bit of Mary Jane. Beer. Pot. Pot. What more would you want? Paraglider. By the way, that wasn't pot. That was like.

It was a blunt one. Was it though? It was a bit of crack. It was a bit. It wasn't crack pot. It was very sharp. Hybrid. You were just so happy.

Yeah. It was pot alone. Could you go anywhere and, like, could you, I mean, is there a point where you're, like, you know, you're at Auschwitz doing the tour, but you're like, do you know what? I'm just here with the fucking boys. Love it. If I was with the boys at Auschwitz and I had, like,

a few, like, sneaky cans of fucking Desperados or a few bottles of Peroni in my bag, I would be having the best time. You charge in groups, though. time. You charge in groups though. What? You charge in groups. Yeah, yeah. I'm the opposite.

I drain in groups. I enjoy it. I charge on my own. Right. The more and more, this year, like moving into it, this is the first time, this year is the first time i've ever lived alone really like in the gap between the last two relationships i was in i sort of lived alone no you never i was

there for yeah but that's what i mean by sort of this is the first time i've lived alone and it's it gets a bit boring and i'm so much better with just people around me i mean you've you've started talking to your flat so i'd suggest that I don't think you charge on your own. I think you go mental. Do you charge in groups? Honestly, I know it would be satisfying to me for me to be one or the other, but there are times since having a family

where as much as I love them, I just want to be anywhere else in the world, potentially on my own. Yeah, so that's... That's why I had a holiday on my own. Yes, you charge in groups. I've gone for years doing my own thing, gig the world, potentially on my own. That's why I had a holiday on my own. I've gone for years doing my own thing, gigging away, driving on my own, traveling on my own.

But now, when I'm away from family, from you guys, that's the other thing. I've got very used to this, which I've never had before, which is a gang that I work with. It's fucking amazing amazing so genuinely away in mallorca on day three i was like lonely so i've gone the other way now i've been a bit

institutionalized by the crew and you know obviously being at home with the family's great you need a little bit of a break for it but i think i need a bit of both i would definitely like so there's trips away that are being offered now, aren't there? Like, oh yeah, you could go to Dubai and it's like a 10 day trip.

There's not a chance. I don't want to do that. That's, be away from family and you guys. Where's trips? Little two, three days away.

Yeah, two or three or even like four, but like, I'm just so much better. Nothing makes me happier than being with me mates. I don't even need to be talking. You just can all be having a conversation and you don't makes me happier Than being with me mates I don't even need to be talking

You can all be having a conversation And you don't actually need to be there With me I was like Also what's nice about getting older is I remember having gangs of mates When we were like doing A levels And we got to uni

And we were just like a fucking herd We did everything together It was like Part of being that age We were like Oh of course you're all going there You're all going there Now

You're older You're like Do you know what we're here together but i fancy just going have a fucking little little wander on my own like you're old enough to go you know what i like a break from groups as well it's just the constant solitude that does me head in but like we were talking about this in a slightly different context yesterday like there's a a lad that we know who we went to school with essentially who is in a relationship and he's constantly trying to just not be in the house he's just trying to not do the relation because he the grass is always greener sort of thing and i've been in relationships like that where i've been like i wish i was single because it would be so much better than being stuck here because it look look at all these

single people having the best time and then once you're on your own and you're single you're like actually that looks quite good over there where those a couple of yeah having a nice time the grass always looks greener and if you're in a big group of all your mates i am really content but after a couple of days i'm like i am going for a walk and i don't want to speak to any of these yeah that's that's that's healthy in it i mean the best relationships are the one where you get all of that contentment at home. You've got a mate, you've got a pal, you've got a partner. And you occasionally see a prostitute a few times a year. And then you also go and see a prostitute.

Yeah, you need to. But locally, like the one that lives down the road. Like, hello! I like making a saving on a prostitute. Is that Mark Morrison? Hello! In the town of the dick! Yeah.

I just think you need a sound partner who is like who lets you go and hang out and sometimes you know but you also need so me and Seneca live together

god I fucking hate watching shit relationships you're like guys just fucking leave each other alone but you need to have your own so me and Seneca

live together but we're both my brother's much older than me so I'm essentially an only child he's 62 isn't he he's 62 yeah he's not 62

he's the same age as you, Dan. In fact, he's born the same day as you. He's got as many hairs. Yeah. Not that I know you. So we've grown up enjoying our own company, entertaining ourselves. So sometimes in the house, I'll just go away.

And she's like, yeah, go away. Because she wants to sit on her phone. Leave, Kyle. He's charging. And she's like, yeah, go away. Because she wants to sit on her phone. Leave Carl, he's charging. It's literally like, she'll go on her phone and she'll put something she wants to watch on.

Like, you need to be able to be on your own and rely on other people as well. Yeah. Yeah. Relationships are dead fucking hard, aren't they? It's dead hard. I find them quite easy, to be honest with you. Yeah. What are you, aren't they? It's dead hard. I find them quite easy, to be honest with you. Yeah.

What are you, 0 and 6? Hey, what are you then? I'm 1 and 12. 1 and 12. 0 and 6 in relationships. What an honourable way to describe it. It's so funny. I've sacked the management so many times with our new head coach also.

Hey, do you not think it's, I forget the comedian who put it this way. And they were sort of, it was in the buildup to a routine rather than the punchline. They said, it's sad that we view every relationship that doesn't last forever as a failure.

Isn't that quite an interesting way to think of it? Like just because something doesn't last forever doesn't failure isn't that quite a yeah interesting way to think like just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile so i might be oh and six in terms of getting married having kids and dying old together but i've learned a lot from all six of them so technically i'm six you know no i mean it's a phenomenal way of spinning it but yeah you that is a good point yeah Yeah. There are some relationships that are definitely in the L's. I'm friends.

Where you're like, you shouldn't have been together. That ended badly and now you don't like each other. But without those relationships, you'll never end up with, yeah. You'll never end up

in a good relationship without those getting it wrongs and learning from it. Are you only making mistakes, mate? Yeah. You know. It's the way it is I've had some

pretty nice exes I've had some pretty bad ones I've been a good boyfriend I've been a fucking douchebag we've been together we haven't had bad relationships

to learn from so you just learn as you go and then you go oh yeah that's how you do it I know there's no right or wrong way to do it is there but

I spent a lot of my 20s wanting to stick my penis loads of different places you know and that got a few complaints from girlfriends at the time that's one of the fundamentals that i don't want you to and you're like i know but i like it just to get there and there and there what do you think what you reckon is if you had to say like the three biggest lessons you've learned from your relationships what would you say they are we spoke about this on the beach yesterday. We went to the beach, by the way,

yesterday, me, Steve and Adam, and had really deep chats. We did. In between heads of bees. We talked about our love languages. And penalties. On the beach, just us three. What?

Sat around eating hummus. Talking about love languages. But we were playing heads of bees and taking pens as well to keep it manly. What the fuck, you little tiktok I want to know what you went to beach yesterday. We took a Samba goal. You're talking about your love languages?

Yeah. So mine is like, what? I want to know what yours is, Dan. On the Patreon exclusive, literally, we recorded it two days ago. You were like, I love the smell of pussy cheese. What possibly could your love language be? Thing is, I just want intimacy and friendship as well as a lover.

Dab that pussy juice on your neck, girl. Mine and Carl's is very similar. We need affirmation. We need to be told, do you know what? You're fucking great. Your dick's lovely. And I love it in me ass.

We need to be told it. In a Christmas card. There's five. i can't remember the fifth there's affirmation there's um acts of kindness that is touching like being um tactile and stuff and there is um oh what's the other one rimming receiving gifts yeah rimming rimming yeah so like oh i wanted to buy me things or her to buy me things Like that's how you feel Raymond wanted them But it isn't necessarily

As bad as you think She's taking some Fucking little sneaky shots Isn't she What's the fifth one I couldn't give a flying fuck About gifts Quality time

Is the other one So like Oh let's We don't go out enough We don't date enough Yeah What's yours 100%

Yours is quality time Do you know Adam Bloom Who's a brilliant comedian told me he was coming out of a separation from the the mum of his kids and i i just found out we were going to be parents and he'd seen that we'd i'd posted it and adam bloom is a guy that i've known since i started never known him that well and everything but he's always someone that i've respected and i think he's respected me as a comic and he just went mate make sure that when you got kids and everything you make time to still be a couple with your missus don't just be parents

yeah don't get time on your own and then just talk about being parents constantly because it can take over you've still got to be a couple that is one of the hardest things when you have kids to still go oh should you and me go and have a date and go and have some food and talk about stuff that we like like not treating someone like a another member of staff in the raising your family fucking company so do you think that's yours then quality time that's something me and laura have been trying for. No, but is that- Is that what you want, though? Is that how you feel? Is that what you need?

Is that how you feel? What do you need? That's very important for a marriage with kids, definitely. So they're all important. I don't know if that's a love language. I totally know what you mean about affirmation. I love being liked. It's insecure.

I love being liked. We're all the same. You just need to be told Every now and then Hey I'm into this you know Yeah You know what I mean

That's exactly me So I Yeah like that's it isn't it It's so simple Just hey By the way Everything going on here I like it

And you And you're funny And oh my god The way you kiss my bumhole Yeah Makes me have butterflies Oh hang on There's a sixth

There's a sixth one Can you imagine If a girl kisses your bumhole You're like makes me have butterflies there's a sixth one can you imagine if a girl kiss your bumhole you went oh he's giving me butterflies there girl bumhole affirmation is the sixth one so i'm bad for wanting to be liked by everyone and sometime i think that's a bit of a failing of mine because like i watch you particularly call a little bit oh that's my biggest flaw what people hanging around with you guys there's been loads more times where i've been like hey fuck off like i can feel it i am 25 percent more scouse and i'm not just talking about me fucking luciano shout out luciano wearing my scouse jeans today lads i hanging out with you and just what sometimes i watch how you

deal with stuff and i'm like could have maybe done that with a bit more diplomacy. But it's definitely a failing of mine that I need to be liked. Some cunts, you don't need to be liked by. Who are they? Fuck them. You don't like everybody. I definitely take on a little bit of that from you.

But here's the thing, no. I used to be exactly what you're describing. I used to really, really, really worry whether everyone liked me. And I realised when I was trying to be someone what you're describing i used to really really really worry whether everyone liked me and i realized when i was trying to be someone everyone liked you end up being someone that everyone just thinks is fine and in your comedy as well yeah so in the end you go no i'm just going to be me and the people who like me will like me and the other people are like who the fuck are you you

can be like well who the fuck are you there's a few bits in this talk yeah there's a few bits there's a few bits in this talk show that i would never have had in an edinburgh show or a circuit set because i was trying to be good to everyone and you end up being good but never brilliant like you lose your brilliance because you're just trying to be fucking seven eight out of ten you never get that nine out of ten I've got a few moments in this tour show I'm like that's out of order and I like it it's good it's a fucking good those moments are important in a relationship I absolutely that's why I've never you know when you're like oh my my wife you know met her and she just wasn't interested and I just kept asking and kept asking

and I just kept asking and she asking. And I just kept asking. And she was like, no, you're a fat, ugly cunt. And I was like, oh, I'm going to get you one day. And then I drugged her. And then it's fine. No, I can't do it. That whole, like, I need a girl to like, you know what, whatever. I've had, obviously, slightly less on-the-nose conversations with people where I'm like, oh, so how did you meet?

Like, just like friends of friends I've met. And they're like, oh, well, I was fucking chasing her for like a year. I kept asking her out. And she was like, nah, nah. She was seeing other lads. And I was always just like, hell. And in the end, we just went out and it's been three years now

and as you can see, we are very, very, you know, mediocre with each other. So basically, she wasn't keen and I ground her down. And a lot of people ask her, what do you see in Graham? And I say, I tell you what,

just persistence. You know, he's got an engine on him. If I ask someone three times they certainly say no go okay fuck off then I'll be like

let's keep going until you say yes because they don't want it do they yeah yeah this is this is a conversation I've had with like

exes before where it's like I don't I don't want you to do that I want you to want to do that

do you know what I mean that's a that's a girl's cliche but it's true do you know what I don't want you to do that. I want you to want to do that. Do you know what I mean? That's a girl's cliche, but it's true. Do you know what I mean? Laura, are you listening? How many times do you have to have a rim job? Come on. I want you to want to snuff up for truffles. Do you know what it is?

It's the text back saying, you can come if you want. Oh, my God. If you send that text, I hope you die of AIDS. Come if you want. That means you don't want me there. Yeah. Because you should say, oh, yeah, do you want to come? Because it you die of aids come if you want that means you don't want me there yeah because you should say oh yeah do you want to come because it'd be great i'll come if you want that's the equivalence of that isn't it definitely what i've i fucked around a lot when i was younger when i started dating in my 30s it was you could there was a different tone

where you're just like everyone's been in relation if you're single in your 30s you're more than likely to have been in relationships and there was it just uh maybe it's sometimes got a bit sort of bleak like what are you what are you into like you'd be way too quickly going what's this about what are you looking for because fucking yeah time's ticking so yeah it was something easy i fucked around in my 20s i wasted people's times i didn't know what i wanted it was definitely easy like laura turned up and she'd basically been in one absolute slow car crash of a relationship and she'd been single a while and she just wanted someone who she liked who treated her properly and and i'd been fucked around so much and i'd

messed around and i basically was a beautiful woman who clearly thought i was great what you were a beautiful woman there was a beautiful woman who thought i was great this is literally my routine and i just was like this is the punching routine it's like women go through bad relationship and it's it like i've made i've quoted that to her, the visual compromise. She's like, no. Babe, babe, come on. But men do the same thing. I made it about women because it's easier within the context of that routine. People go through shit relationships

and then they just end up going, right, actually, that's not as important to me anymore. I'd need this. And you figure out, I've been, in the relationships I've had, I've been a decent boyfriend an awful boyfriend and then tried to be a pretty good one and you slowly just get better you shake off like the toxic shit you're doing and what's really annoying is when you've worked on yourself and you're like you know what I know how to be a partner here and then you start seeing

someone who has got absolutely no idea and you're like i've been you and now it's because i'm seeing what i've been before so partners the key word you know i know that's overdone like who i watch these couples and they're like yeah it's just i'm waiting for him to ask me to marry you know i just don't know when that's happening we've been together nine years and you know we don't talk about and i'm just waiting you're like what the fuck i've dropped in for a lie it's your life you need to discuss what you want and where you're going i get that you want a proposal that comes out of nowhere but like all the paperwork should be fucking on the table before that like in everything buying houses and, being a partner, like discussing stuff as mates.

I know you need to be romantic and tactile and all of that stuff, but you need to discuss everything. Me and Laura have a state of the union every fucking couple of weeks where we go, what's going on? Where are we going? What are we up to? What's the next big thing? How are you doing?

How do you feel about that? Like we discuss everything. See, here's the thing big thing how are you doing how do you feel about that like we discuss everything see here's the thing no yous are married now and just to go back to like the proposal coming out of nowhere sort of thing i've already thought about that so for when i start seeing if i got to the point i'm seeing someone and i want them to marry me i would want my proposal to be a tote i wouldn't want them to be like oh it's coming so i would probably just be an arsehole for a month and make them think i'm about to dump them they love that i love that then propose especially women in their 30s they love that happens anyway fuck me about and then it's a nice surprise that's what that's what women actually want they do they never say it but they do they want to be surprised that

happens anyway just like the two weeks leading up to a proposal someone else and then ask it yeah that's it yeah no no no no no no no no fuck someone else and then ask yeah that's it you cheated on me no no no no no that's too far women don't like being cheated on fact the two weeks leading up to a proposal you're like oh anxious and acting differently and being secretive with your phone because you've maybe got pictures of your friends or whatever

pictures with the ring on put it on John I've got it look it's this and then you're secretive and then in their head it's a mate, like I've got it, look, it's this. And then you're secretive. And then in their head, it's a common thing. Like, is he cheating on me? So that's common anyway. Imagine how happy they are when they find out you're not. And you just go, look through me phone.

I've just been sending the ring to everyone. No, go like this, go, ah! You're going to smack them in the face. And they go, wait! He thought you were going to get fucking abused. You're not. That would be such elation. Yeah, right. Do you know what I mean? I'll tell you what would be such elation yeah right do i mean do it i'll tell you

what would be great a lot of this is a really good thing right break really bad news that isn't actually true to them tell them oh listen right i don't know how to tell you this but i've got bowel cancer no your mum's died your mum's died always right yeah yeah and then when they're crying like oh i'm gonna miss my mum right get your mum to walk in wait you propose and they're like oh my god yeah like i've just lost someone if i consider like really important to my life and you're gonna be mine forever and then they get happy with that and then their mum comes in with their whole family because you've set up like a surprise engagement party and you you're like, ah, your mum's not there either. Hey! So they get engaged and their mum back

within the space of five minutes. I'm not sure. I'm not sure they would appreciate the engagement. You know people though, Adam. That's the thing. I know women. You know women. I can't get my head around men.

What's he thinking? Your mum's dead Oh my god Stop crying Stop crying Stop crying You're ruining it You're ruining it You're ruining it

Stop crying Stop crying Look Look And who's through that door? It's your fucking mum see got ya

got ya got ya how cute you look in all truth though she does have bowel cancer not as yeah she's not dead yet happy birthday

to you merry christmas so that's relationships innit and you're welcome happy birthday to you. Merry Christmas. So that's relationships, isn't it? And you're welcome. You're welcome. If you're not learning that. If you're men,

listen and learn. If you're women, yeah, men do talk about that shit, so shut up. Yeah. We had a lovely conversation yesterday. Love language.

Yeah, well, it's important to know yourself and know what you need. See, my love language is affirmation, but I give back in terms of acts of kindness. That's exactly me.

I do stuff for people. If people need stuff doing, I'll do it. Emails. He does it. No, because that's not the same thing. That's work. Also, what fucked up relationship. What I'm looking for, Adam, is admin.

Really good admin. Even with me mates, for example, and you're the same as this. Last week, I needed a lift Adam as admin. Really good admin. But you're like, even with me mates, like, for example, if you, and you're the same as this. Like last week, I needed a lift to the airport. No benefit to his life to give me a lift to the airport.

Not even a question. Yeah, I'll get up early in the morning. I'll take you to the airport. Yeah, he's a fucking, what, Gibraltar over? He's a rock. Of course he is. Yeah.

That's a really good reference there. Are you, are you the, are you the, are you, is he there for you as much as you're there for him? Yeah.

60-40? I don't ask for many. Is he there for you as much as you're there for him? Yeah. 60-40? I don't ask for many. I don't ask people for much. He knows he... He doesn't ask for much, to be honest with you, but he knows if he ever asks the answers, yeah. I know. You too.

It's cute. It's important. What's Laura's though? Your best friend love language. How does Laura take it? What? How does Laura take it? Love. Quarterly. what how does Laura take it love

quarterly but I just I can't get my head around people who don't do stuff for other people like if you've got the ability to do stuff something for someone

that they need doing and you can do it and it's not a massive infringement on your life I really don't know why people wouldn't do it do you know what I mean

it'd be a good shit innit I have to say though I am busier these days I really don't know why people wouldn't do it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It'd be a good shit, isn't it? I have to say though, I am busier these days. Yeah, so you haven't got the ability to. And I know, I've got a couple of friends that are going through stuff at the moment

and you can tell they need a hand and you're like, I can't sacrifice. Like, I haven't got a hand to give myself at the moment with this low, is that a wanking joke that you just laughed at

so i have to be a bit firmer there now to just be like hey i've got we're running a business i've got a tour i've got a family i can't just come and do your thing but i know what you mean yeah but my yeah for your absolute bezos i suppose when when you can't do it that's yeah yeah okay but like my natural instincts if any of my especially me close friends or family are like i've got this problem my immediate instinct is how do i solve it or help them solve it or just do something like recently i made minds uh their grandparent was dying and they were just having a really awful time and i was just like right what do i what do i do here will you marry me oh you Marry me You You know what I mean Take the edge off Propose to them They love her

Genuinely I would not be surprised In the next couple of months You ended up In a really You're in a You're in a Much better place now

I'm in a much better place I'm in a really good place Yeah yeah yeah But That person's Grandparent Grandparent was dying And they were like

Honestly If I need anything, I will message you. But yeah, my family. And I replied. It was like nine o'clock in the morning. I was like, do you want a Mackey's breakfast? Did he say yeah?

They were like, we've literally just left. I mean, I'd say yeah. I was like, do you want a Mackey's breakfast? I'm going to be driving past yours in a minute. And there's a Mackey's on the way. I can just get you to Mackey's breakfast. Because in my head, it's just like, your granddad's dying,

you want a sausage and egg McMuffin. It'll make you feel better. Yeah, I'm sorry for your loss. Pancakes? Saying that is a car screech. I don't rate Maccy's breakfast. I don't rate Maccy's breakfast. Have you got a Tim Hortons in Liverpool yet

the Canadian they're like no it's run by it's run by Ikea they're a rival to McDonald's oh I thought it was

a coffee shop they do all sorts they do loads of food loads of breakfast options doughnuts as well it's known for its coffee but it is like a

it's a cafe oh right it's like a diner. It's a North American style. Is it good fast food breakfast? I don't think McDonald's is at all. Yeah, but what's the alternative? This is what I mean.

Tim Hortons is, in Chester, they've opened up right next to McAdee's. The old pizza hut's gone, and they've replaced it with a Tim Hortons. So we're like, oh, maybe we'll try Tim Hortons. Yeah, we've seen it when we left Chester. We'll use both. That, even in the same fucking league not good enough

and so I get it with Macchi Deasy like I have a bacon sandwich and some hash browns Etta loves pancakes but you're like even if you don't think

it's that great what's the alternative and Macchi's bacon sandwich is bad it's really bad like the best bacon sandwich

I've found in Liverpool is Bold Street Coffee. I go there maybe once or twice a week when I'm at home. You can't do it in a car with your kids in the back

on the drive-thru. But Maccy's breakfast is good for, the muffins are good. The sausage, you have to get the sausage because the bacon's not great. The sausage is quite unique

because it's a circle you can't really get that much over here. The sausage and egg McMuffin or the bagel, I'm going to just tell you is quite unique because it's a circle you can't really get that much over here the sausage and egg McMuffin or the bagel I'm gonna just tell you is good the egg's a bit plastic

yeah I know but you're not just buying it for the breakfast you're buying it for how accessible it is how uniform it is around the fucking country

and it's you can drive in I don't know maybe we should open one yes that's I knew that's where this conversation was going

the have a word breakfast cafe that's what yeah telling you right now you've just described my dream cool yeah

I'd love to be a head chef is your mum or nana dying of bowel cancer or have they died of bowel cancer we're open from six come cry with us that'll be the advert

I'm loving it she's dead that's taken is it yeah it's my hair it's bowel cancer very famous

it's cancer it's terminal oh yes it's terminal I'm 11 at the airport thank you your nan's dead but you're going to Ibiza

and here's some sausages. What the fuck? Oh, no. Oh, banana. Two days later, I'm pilled. Oh, Lord. Shall we break? Yeah.

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We're back. No fucking around, mate. Go to the merch, haveawordpod.com for new t-shirt, haveaword, mate. Hello, mate. Hello, mate. Yeah, we've got designer t-shirts. Designer? It looks like a designer. It looks like a, mate. Hello, mate. Hello, mate. Yeah, we've got designer T-shirts. Designer?

It looks like a designer. It looks like a proper St. John's market. I haven't seen it yet. Armani top. I'm going to look at it in the game. If you enjoy Adam's Hello Mate Turkish Dublin character, you can buy the merch. Get to our merch site. Picture here, because Finn's put it in.

Picture here. And here's a picture of Judith Chalmers and here's Judith Chalmers if you want Judith Chalmers merch you're on the wrong pod there better be a picture of Judith Chalmers shall we do

shall we do some correspondence from our wonderful fans thank you everyone for emailing in we're not doing sexy corner are we you only get that on Patreon don't you Dot com slash

Okay cool Is that true I haven't I haven't got any sexy corner Okay Patreon dot com slash Have a web pod Sexy corner

Couple pal There's one type Couple pal Every time we Say Ah It does sound like the capital Of an African country, doesn't it?

Capple Pow. Yeah. He's not all a runner. And Capple Pow wins the London Marathon 2025. Or a horse. Capple Pow wins the Aintree Racecourse Grand National. The Aintree Racecourse Grand National? That's who it's sponsored by now.

2025. Sponsor their own race? Yeah, Capple Pow. And it's won by a woman, who it's sponsored by now. 2025. Sponsor of their own race. Yeah, Capple Pow. And it's won by a woman and he's a white horse. Very rare. Cool. What's the question?

He's dead sound, by the way, Capple Pow. Is that his real name? Yeah. Capple. Yeah. Pow. Mr. Pow. Yeah.

Do you know... It's actually short for Capable Poo. Pow's Mr. Pow. Yeah. Do you know... It's actually short for capable poo. Poo. Pow's not shorter than poo. You know you've had a really bad poo when you're mispronouncing poo. You're all right. You look stressed out.

I've had a bad poo. The couple pow. It's Michael Caine, isn't it? Hi, couple. How you doing, mate? You all right? I've met him. He's dead, Sam. He's dead, Sam. Every time... It's not Michael Caine, isn't it? Hi, a couple. How you doing mate? You're right. I've met him. He's dead, Sam. He's dead, Sam.

Every time- It's not Michael Caine, it says poo. There for a pow. That's Christopher Walken. Fucking brilliant, Michael Caine. There's pow's in both, right? Up his ass. Don't do Al Pacino.

Just move on to the question quickly let him do it let him say Cabo Pau he's going to pile like a chimpanzee three grand of shit chimpanzee and a half

Michael so Cabo Pau must enjoy us doing the name thing because he keeps writing in so it's his fault Cabo Pau says

evening boys if Havre Word was a religion what would the major holidays be because he keeps writing in. So it's his fault. Capo Pow says, Evening, boys. If Havre Word was a religion, what would the major holidays be and why? Oh, that's a good question. I'm keeping Christmas, mate. I like it. What we call it, though.

Can we not just keep the Christian holidays? Quite good, I think. Yeah, cool. Yeah, we'll just keep the ones we've got. Capo. Are you even a Christian? Can we change Ash Wednesday to Ass Wednesday? Someone rubs a bit of pussy on your face. Or ass.

Yeah. That would make sense, wouldn't it? In church. You could queue one up and just like... But what do you do on Pussy Tuesday? What? If Ass Wednesday... It's Pancake Tuesday, isn't it?

That's where you get a most bow from a woman with no tits. That's flat arse, isn't it? Good Friday. That's the saddest motorboat ever. You're like, I don't think you really

want me to do this, love. Please. I really want you to motorboat with me. What is it? Monday, Tuesday.

What major events in Have A Word would you box off as holidays? I mean... 19th of December. Yeah. Probably the biggest date ever we're going to have,

or will be. You'd have that. We'd just move Christmas to the day after the first live show. No, it's actually Christmas Eve, the live show. Right. So Christmas is now December 10th.

Yeah. And we'll have... move it forward two weeks but it's not Christ who's our Christ erm Mother Teresa the Queen Teresa Day

erm Capel Pau can we do like a reverse can we do like a reverse Ramadan where we just eat as much as we want for the month

no in the daylight call it Avasgran mate I like the Avasgran Adam's not playing very well it's Avasgran

doesn't score many doors in Avasgran he only he only fasts when he's asleep but he's pretty good at it, to be fair. I've been doing Havasgram for about three years.

Havasgram would be a fucking great month. Can you get some religious holidays up, please, Finlay? Of any religion, because, you know, we don't stick to one here. Yom Kippur. That's the Jewish one. Just pull one out of my arse. Don't pull one out of your arse.

What's Hanukkah? What do they do for that? I know they light a few candles and that. It's in and around. They go like trick or treating. Spin the dreidel, don't they? It's in and around Christmas. I heard they spin the dreidel.

They go trick or treating. And they spin the thing and they light a few candles. That's Judaism, everyone. And there's an armadillo there. They do it around Christmas and they're like, oh, soz. Soz about Jesus. The Sukkot.

That's quite easy, isn't it? Sukkot. That's just blowjob day. What's Yom Kippur? He's just said that. What is it? It sounds like a starter. It sounds...

I'll have the Yom Kippur to start. It sounds brummy, doesn't it? It sounds like nice fish. Yom Kippur? It just didn't sound brummy at all. It's a long Fast confession Intensive prayer day At the synagogue

I love the word Synagogue So Kapil I know what you were Doing with the question But we've taken it In a different direction What we're doing

Is taking already Existing major Religious holidays And just being Knobheads about them What you meant was What are the big Significant things

What's Kwanzaa Kwanzaa Kwanzaa Come on you know What Kwanzaa is I fucking do not Do you all go on Kawasaki's about them. What you meant was, what are the big significant things in the park? Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa. Come on, you know what Kwanzaa is? I fucking do not. Do you all go on Kawasaki's? It's Kawasaki Tuesday.

Fuck off. Why don't we do that? Kwanzaa. I've heard the word before. It's Southeast African. Usually on the sixth day of January. No, sorry. The sixth day leading.

Oh, it's the first of January. It's just New Year's Eve day what are you doing it's a I know what it is sixth day I I'm African oh

Lent what's called Lent what it's called Lent you just give people stuff or bent just try being gay for the most part it's pride yeah you. You just try being gay for a month.

It's pride. Yeah. You go without pussy for a whole month. Do you know what? I'm surprised that, you know, the term straight, as in like, I'm straight because I love vagina and not cock. Right. It's not been cancelled.

Or if you love cock and not vagina. I think it's quite offensive to the gays. Because bent is offensive, isn't it? Because the idea is, because I used to think... Straight and bent. Bender. Yeah, I used to think bent was like

because they bend over. Right? I genuinely thought that for a long time. Missionaries all like... But it's not. The idea is that straight people are normal, straight, and gay people are wrong,

as in they're bent. Yeah. Like, not good. so i don't know why straight is like what's the alternative to straight what hetero yeah but like straight is offensive isn't it if you think about it is a used it is a universal term isn't it for heterosexual yeah i don't think it's fair what does this stand for again what cis cis what's that cisgendered i don't know what it stands for but it basically means the the gender you were born as doesn't it I think it's fair. What does cis stand for again? What? Cis. C-I-S. What's that? Cis-gendered. I don't know what it stands for,

but it basically means the gender you were born as, doesn't it? Oh, does it? Yeah. Oh, right. We've got that wrong then. No, I see what you mean. Yeah.

God, you're always fighting for the gays, aren't you? Yeah. So good. I'm with them. I don't know why Finn keeps closing this thing, though.

Pasha. That's not a fucking... Tonight be for you. That's a nice night beaver isn't it club in Benidorm Passover what did you do there it sounds tasty

Passover's food innit I'm pretty sure it's food it's a yeah knew it sounded tasty it is it's pasta it's pasta over

they have a big buffet and it's like pasta potatoes gives the yams Passover yams it's like pasta, potatoes, giz, the yams. Passover. Yams. It's a major Jewish holiday that celebrates the exodus of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.

You have a Nisan? Passover. Is that the end of slavery? Is that when Moses walked them through the... Yeah. Let my people go. Let Moses talk all the Jews to the Chinese buffet. Come on. pass that over he's like come on

I've booked the whole place how many Jews did he save well I'd say well into the hundreds 10,000 how many Jews did Moses save

he went to the 600,000 that's a big oh that's a big that's a big oh that's a big that's a big buffet 40 years it took him now what are you up he went to Pharaoh

he's like lad you can't be fucking using them as slaves anymore and Pharaoh was like I fucking can mate is that real and Moses was like

listen we're going we're gonna walk wait let him ask this question i know moses wasn't real wasn't what do you mean what moses what do you mean he's in the bible isn't he why is he not real he is real he didn't fucking split the water like that how do you know because it's not physically possible in our universe then right right okay so he didn't split the water

so that might have been a metaphor it wasn't real There was probably just a drought And he was like Oh cool We're going to have to go round But we'll just What was the Did he do that The Jews

With the pharaohs Yeah You don't think pharaohs are real do you No no they're real You heard pharaoh No I heard Moses And I know he's

What is your fucking question Carl I'm just trying to see if it's all real What What is your question Is it real Right I mean it's thousands of years What is your question? Is it real? Right. I mean, it's thousands of years ago. It's Old Testament, isn't it? So, a lot

of the New Testament's bullshit, so I imagine the Old Testament is even more bullshit. Exactly. But they're usually pinned on some sort of historical event, aren't they? Do you reckon there'll ever be a newer Testament? Like the brand new Testament? What, like an iPhone update? Yeah. Do you reckon there's ever going to

be someone again who believes they're like the son of christ but there has been isn't there there has been new testaments muhammad that's a new testament if you if you refuse the new testaments that's how you get new religions because jesus is a prophet in islam So Mohammed came up and went, guys, I know it's a few hundred years ago. Guess what though? New set of, there's a new download. And if everyone rejects it, then some people go, no, I'm into that. And off they go, that's Islam.

So Joseph Smith with Mormonism, you could argue that that's a New Testament. If you ignore, go on. Will there be a Christian 0.3? That's what he means. There is. That's what I'm saying. No, but what I'm saying. No, but Christians would reject it. So then Will there be a Christian 0.3? That's what he means. There is. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

No, but Christians would reject it. So then you've got a new religion. But what would have to happen for the Catholics to be like, actually, we'll have that? Oh, yeah. They'd definitely blow it all up, wouldn't they? The Catholic Church that makes

fucking bank nonsense kids and keeps people in poverty, they'd definitely want an update because things aren't going swell for them. Jesus can fly. But if Jesus came down and could do the stuff that the old Jesus could do, I think the church would call him a fake,

what did they call it? Fake false prophet. False prophet, yeah. I think the Catholic church is pretty well set up doing exactly the same horrible shit they've been doing for thousands of years. If he came down and was like, oh, here's a bit of tuna for everyone.

Have some chips. Tuna and chips? Well, then he's a paedophile. Jesus is a paedophile. No, but he did sell him a fish, didn't he? Tuna and chips? That famous meal that everyone loves? Can you imagine if Jesus came down and he was like,

I can just multiply tuna? And you're like, don't give a fuck, it's horrible. Not even good fish. What happens if the Pope meets Dynamo? What? What happens if the Pope meets Dynamo? What, and he does a card check, and he's like, hang on, this is God.

Yeah, some scally magician from fucking Bradford. And the Pope's like, lad, you must be Jesus. And Dynamo's like, yeah, sick, innit? Fucking hell, what's your card? And then the Pope's like, hang on, are you Asian? He's like, I don't know. Just doing bruffing, isn't it?

Has the Pope might not have seen magic before? I reckon he has. I reckon the Pope has to keep an eye on every magician just in case. I think the Pope's the biggest magician going. Yeah. Makes kids... I used to do a bit on stage

and it was born out of a genuine sort of belief that I've got. I think Jesus was just the Derren Brown of his day. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was just a magician. If you showed people 200 years ago, Derren Brown, they would all just kill themselves. Yeah.

But Derren Brown's very open, isn't he? Derren Brown's very like, this is all tricks, it's bollocks, and I'm literally doing it to prove that everyone else is bollocks. And you still believe him? Yeah, you do? You're like, nah, it's real. I do, actually. I think he's lying. It's such the perfect cover.

Denham Brown. Oh, I can't really read your mind. 27. You're like, fuck off. He's like, yeah, it was a trick. Because then he doesn't get burnt as a witch, does he? Doesn't get fucking crucified. Which is what we do.

This is what we do, innit? Yeah. We yeah we probably would though if it was really him yeah he'd need sorting out if he was real somebody needs to put a bullet in his head because he could end everything in he glued my uncle to his fucking chair that was in the living room that was a such bollocks my uncle couldn't get out of his chair he Yeah, he's probably just bevy. He was asleep, actually. It was a really boring episode. No, I think Jesus was just the trickster of his time and was just full of... And his Mars lie obviously sort of helped him. Because he was like, oh, son of God.

And he was like, oh, learn how to do a few fucking... Look at this, three fish. And everyone put two and two together and got five. And that's how we got Christianity. So you got more fish? What? That's how you got more fish?

More tuna. More tuna and chips. If he'd have whipped out tuna and chips, everyone would be like, ah, you're bullshit, mate. There'd be no Christianity. We'd all be Jews. What else did they,

what other magic tricks did Jesus do? Walking on water. David Copperfield's on that. I think it was him. Has he made a Learjet disappear, Jesus? No. Oh, hasn't Learjet

back then, to be fair to Jesus? I suppose. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's gone. Derren Brown's predicted the lottery numbers. Derren Brown.

No, he's not. No, he's not. not yeah it was all a trick wasn't it no he's not what do you mean he hasn't he hasn't has he he hasn't I watched it on the television

oh did you you watched Space Battles holy shit you're right and then fucking those toys talk as well in Toy Story I've seen it

on the screen mad he's not predicted because otherwise he wouldn't be like channel 4 can I have another TV show he'd own

channel 4 if he could be like what's the Euro millions next week no we can't do that one you do it once oh he's only got magic once

just once oh shit yeah but should have waited for a roll over if my theory is right though and Denham Brown is actually the son of God

right then he wouldn't want people to know so he wouldn't just be winning the Euro millions hang on I should have waited for a roll over. If my theory is right, though, and Denham Brown is actually the son of God, right? Right. Then he wouldn't want people to know, so he wouldn't just be winning the EuroMillions every week, would he? Hang on, hang on. The reasoning is, he's going a bit wonky in it. I'm the son of God, so I know that,

but I don't want people to know. No, he doesn't, because he knows people aren't ready. What? People aren't ready. Yeah, Jesus was punished for being magic. Yeah. He doesn't want to be fucking crucified. He's seen what happens. He's read the novels.

Yeah. Stephen King. Next question. I've hit my bullshit limit. Thanks, Capel. I'm telling you right now, Derren Brown is the modern day Jesus

and vice versa. Lee Miller says, would Adam rather shag Dan to save Carl's life or be a ventriloquist that's a good question hang on

either I die or you become a ventriloquist this is a hard one to decipher so hang on just to you're not allowed to be a comedian anymore

you become a ventriloquist and you're both alright for the rest of your career right on, just to, you're not allowed to be a comedian anymore. You've become a ventriloquist. And you're both alright for the rest of your career. Right. Yeah. Or, I bum you. Or you have to bum me,

otherwise Carl dies. Right. But, if I bum you, I get to keep doing comedy. Yeah? Yeah. Why are you doing that for?

Because I think you'd be buttering my arse up pretty fucking quick. Erm, I mean, you should be. Oh, my God. If I become a ventriloquist, does he die?

No. You get to not do that terrible conundrum. Right, so ventriloquist and your sound. Ventriloquist. Can I still do the pop, but I'm just like... No, it's either Roe Ventriloquist with Dan Nightingale Comedian. What's that? Yeah, I think Darren Brown was Jesus.

Yeah, so do I. That's not ventriloquism, is it? It's the best I could do, Colin. Fucking wazzies in your fucking head. Dan's hungry, you know. Yeah. I'm tired. What?

What? Well, do you wear a wig? I'm literally going to throw something at you. Would you wear a wig? Why? Why? For throw something at you. Would you wear a wig? Why? Why? For bumming? I can imagine it's a woman.

For bumming. I don't mind bumming a woman. Baz. Will I wear a wig? Yeah, I'll wear a wig. I mean, it's Carl's life on the line. And like a Harley Quinn outfit. Imagine how sad.

Will you be my little sloth? Imagine how sad that would be as I was putting my own little Harley Quinn makeup up. I don't need you with the makeup on because you're going to be facing the other. If you turn around once. I'm doing this to get bummed. No, you're doing it for me.

Squeezing in. Friends, if you don't agree on it I might die I don't think you could be a ventriloquist I think you'd have to decide between Carl's life

or my arse I could I could nah I could it's quite reductive that Adam with your hand

imagine it as a toy oh see no idea I could just put it really close to my mouth what's happening i thought you could just hide your mouth hello the world's best all right love

good episode this week come on what's the next question oh shit who's doing this who's doing this at the moment steve roy's doing this. He's like, oh, it's dead easy to be a ventriloquist in COVID and he puts a mask on. I don't think

you've got it in you. I think, I think, imagine if Shane, if you went over to New York to do gigs

and Schultz was like, oh Adam, come and do, we're doing Schultz and Friends. Gillis is doing some stuff. Dan Soda's on. Mark Norman's knocking it out. Can you do the middle 15?

And you were like, hello! Look, as long as you slot it up for me, I'll bum you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Nice one. Because I'm surviving that. Oh yeah, no one wants you to die. I reckon I could bum a man anyway. Like, just once. Me, though. I don't think it's that gay to bum a man.

I think it's the gayest thing you can do. No. The gayest thing you can do is get bummed while you're sucking another man off. We've had this argument for 10 years. While watching Hamilton. Yeah. No, Hamilton's really good.

No, it's definitely... Sound of music. If you bum me, it's definitely gay if we do it in the. Yeah. No, Hamilton's really good. No, it's definitely... Sound of music. If you bum me, it's definitely gay if we do it in the West End. Is that a euphemism? Show me the selfie. It's not a...

What fucking euphemism? If you bum me... If you bum me with your penis in my arse, it's definitely gay in the West End. Is that a euphemism? If it is, I need to work on my euphemism.

Subtle. Fucked a guy with my dick. Do you know what I mean? Yep, I've got an inkling. A euphemism. Go on, what's the next one? What was that question? I'll be the bummer.

Thanks. Go on. Got some advice Oh yeah This one's from Capel Pal Stupid What a name

That sounds like a weird shit Anonymous Alright lads Advice needed Just for some Background info A few weeks ago Me and a friend

Were invited to a School reunion We got talking In the pub about people we remember and what's probably happened to them and one conversation turned to which of the uh more slutty girls might have turned to escorting since we left school we did we did have a quick what fucking school did you go to we did have a quick look on an escorting site to see if there was anyone we recognized from school and didn't see any but

this is where the story unfolds more recently my brother-in-law who hasn't had a relationship in the years i've known him and as far as i know doesn't really get any action introduced us to his new girlfriend who he'd been seeing for five months but kept it quiet from everyone by now you might have put two and two together i had a feeling a feeling I recognized her. Couldn't place where. She has very colorful hair, so it's easily recognizable. Then it hit me that I'd seen her on the escort site. Later on, I checked the same site, and it was 100% her. Even worse, there was multiple reviews in the five months.

This is reviews on escorting sites. Even worse, there was multiple reviews in the five months my bro-in-law was seeing her. So she has been escorting, I'm assuming, behind his back. I did ask him later on some friendly questions about her, like what she did for a living, and he said something very different from escorting, so I'm not sure if he even knows about this side of her

or if he's saving face to me and just saying some other jobs. If I was him, I'd want to know if my partner was doing this behind my back but this is the first last i've seen him with and he does seem happy but really don't know how to question him about it do i keep this hidden from him or do i tell him and potentially ruin his first relationship in over six years what would you guys do in this situation is he not just hiring her as an escort to look like he's got a girlfriend i reckon that's what's happening doesn't get any action he's never had a relationship

and he's probably got to the point in his life where he's like you know what a bit embarrassed by this i'll buy a girlfriend yes he takes that he's gone to he's gone to girlfriend blockbusters honey yeah.com girlfriend cockbusters, hasn't he? Yeah. Dot com. Girlfriend cockbusters. Do you think? Yeah. Do you think that's the thing? Yeah. Because how could you afford to pay someone to be your girlfriend?

No, you don't. Like... Because you're not in your house at all times. No, I mean... But I mean, if this is... This would already have unravelled by now, wouldn't it? Why? Because how could you afford to constantly keep paying

an escort to be your girlfriend? Maybe he's running an international pyramid scheme. Well, I mean, that is also the option, isn't it? He also has another girlfriend. Maybe it's Derren Brown, and he's just won the EuroMillions for the 19th time. I think he's hiring this girl to act like his girlfriend. Yeah.

Which is very, very common, by the way. Women do it with men all the time. Like, do you want to go into, like, social events, and they're like, oh, I need to, you know, I don't want to act like his girlfriend. Yeah. Which is very, very common by the way. Women do it with men all the time. Like, do you want to go into like social events and they're like, oh,

I need to, you know, I don't want to go on my own. Yeah. He'll take a pretty escort and obviously men do it with ladies a lot.

I'd love that job. How fun would that be? Just women paying you to go to parties with them. You want to be a gigolo? I don't have to fuck them. I just have to turn up

at the party and have some volvons Yeah I told you what you were going to do I think if a woman is going on the site Looking for a male escort I think, you know She's not like

He's just so good at anecdotes I don't need the dick I think you are expected to put out at the end of it Alright, yeah But what if I'm just like Belligent and an arsehole at the party? So that she's sort of put off And she's like I don't even want to shag him You're not going to get paid, are you? what if I'm just like belligerent and an arsehole at the party? So that she's sort of put off. She's like, I don't even want to shag him.

You're not going to get paid, are you? Or reviewed? I charge up front. Right. Of course, charge up front. What do you mean? You wouldn't risk not getting paid at all. You'd be like, okay.

So you are going to be a male escort who's really good company for parties, charge up front, be a cunt, and be like, ah, I got your money. Nice one. Good thinking. Are you wearing this shirt to advertise yourself as a male gigolo because this is a little sexual in it now that i'm just

clocking i can see your nipples this is what you should be wearing on that first male date i i really like this shirt i think you'll get i really like this shirt i think it makes me look Like a big sexy person Exactly what I'm saying Ladies Adamsescorts.com Right so Back to Back to my man Is there any women watching this by the way Who want to give me like 500 quid To come to a party

500 That's cheap You're an open spot gigolo You haven't even done a gigoloing gig But I've been to parties Yeah you've been to amateur parties You've been You've been to amateur

You've been as a fucking amateur You've just turned up for the love of the game Now it's different man You're on the fucking clock You've got to work up to 500 I'd be worth every penny They're lucky they're getting me for 500 You're like a fucking open spot

Who's like lads I've applied for this gig When do I get paid No 500 quid minimum No you've got to do at least 600 if you want me to hold your hand Like a fucking open spot. He's like, lads, I've applied for this gig. When do I get paid? No. 500 quid minimum. No, you've got to do at least a couple of years. 600 if you want me to hold your hand. 100 quid for a handhold. I want some extras and prices. It's 100 quid for handholding.

You are a pricey male whore, by the way. Yeah. Go on. 500 is for me to turn up. You asked me how much each thing costs. Okay, then. I want you to buy me dad a pint. Buy your dad a pint buy your dad a pint

and have a chat with him okay my god you understand women as well don't you no you get that's what women want i want to pay someone to buy my dad a pint no hey hey don't worry kev i'll get your pint i'm expensing this love i'm keeping a receipt like you do that oh she's a lovely girl yeah i'm taking her to gotwald i i would i would do that I would do that as part of the turning up. All right, all right, okay. Because that's just party etiquette, talk to the dad. But the pint,

like everything I buy at that party is, you know, added onto the thing. Sorry, what? It's an extra hundred quid to hold her hand. Yeah. But buying a dollar pint, that's part of the etiquette. Yeah.

Right, cool, cool. Yeah. What if she wants, what if she wants like a foot rub? What are we talking? A foot rub? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the party or afterwards or beforehand?

Yeah, it would be weird in the middle. What's my dad having? A pint of shandy? Ah, these fucking dogs are barking. Get rubbing these around. No, she's just been dancing, doing the Charleston and you're like,

put your feet up here, girl, I'll rub them for you. Hang on, dogs are barking? Does that mean sore feet? Yeah. I think so. Woof, woof. I genuinely...

Don't ask him today. He's on weird form. I genuinely thought it meant me tits are sore. The Charleston. That's a dance. How fucking old is the trick? I don't need feet. I've been dancing

to Charleston you buy me my dad I genuinely thought my dogs are barking whereas my tits are sore genuinely that'd be a weird

foot rub my tits are sore rub my feet my dogs are barking Adam no because they're called puppies aren't they

so I genuinely honestly up until 20 seconds ago I thought oh my dogs are back I mean

ah fucking hell that sports bra has done a bit of damage sports bra and the Charleston it all makes sense once again have a word

no women you know what you're like you're always going out women and you feel lonely you're single and you've got sore tits that you call puppies and you wear sports bras

dance the Charleston in a place that your dad is and he's thirsty that's women and if you've got sore tits that you call puppies, and you wear sports bras, dance to Charleston, in a place that your dad is, and he's thirsty. That's women. And if you've got a spare 600 quid, you can employ Adam Rowe to come down and maybe hold your hand. Hang on, not a foot rub, that was weird. That sounds like a wedding to me. Oh, yeah.

Lord. Go on, what are the other extras? What about a little, you know, because she wants to, she's trying to make everyone at the wedding think that she's got a boyfriend. So she just wants a handhold, but a little peck on the lips. What's your charging extra? I would say 50 quid per peck,

150 quid per, like, full quid per like full on neck. Peck and neck, isn't it? Yeah. Pick and mix. Like she wants me to go for it. 150 quid. Do you hate holding people's hands? Do you hate holding people's hands?

No, just know me worse. And what if she goes, Adam, oi, the disabled are free. Come and lick my muff. What are the disabled going to do? The three? There's just a line of them going. What are the disabled Going to do They're free There's just a line Of them going No

I think he meant The disabled gigalos Are free But They're toilets The disabled toilet Is empty Come and lick my mouth

Yeah yeah I'm going to lick a woman out While she's sat On the disabled toilet There's more There's more room Right You know

Sports bra was on just in case you really hit the spot I think I'm charging what's his bill I think it's 500 quid for me to go to Mufftown 500 quid

to go to Mufftown so considering you've had a handheld couple of pecs little snog and a muff and then your initial fee

we're talking two and a half grand here yeah how much is an overnight stay? Chimpanzee and a quarter. A grand. But I don't do anything for that. Every other sexual act, that's just me kipping yours. A thousand pounds for you to fucking share in a bed.

To talk in your sleep. Adam, I'm not joking. I know you do. Are you going to fuck me or not? Whistle for me. It's that simple. Girl, fucking close the windows. We're flat talking.

Whistle for her. You are expensive, yeah. Fucking grand. Spoon me. That's 700. And he wants the cash up front. She pulls a water bottle yeah

700 300 extra if you take that fucking sports bra off or sweaty from the Charleston classic wedding song dance

you're I think you need to pack in comedy you're gonna do way better as a gigolo that's three grand just for an overnight nice I reckon it's harder to get to work though they're gonna be older ladies You're going to do way better as a gigolo. That's three grand just for an overnight.

Nice. I reckon it's harder to get to work, though. They're going to be older ladies, though, you know. Oh, I reckon... Oh, he's upped his price now. Every year over 30 that you are, you add a grand on. Right. So if they're 70... 40 grand on top of everything 43 grand yeah for you to

hold a hand peck them twice lick them off in the disabled and go to bed and then just talk and you sleep next to them yeah yeah we can't i can't be spending a night giving me best sexual game to a 70-year-old woman. I'd fuck her to death. And he wants money for that. 43 grand. Got a deposit for a house. Just from one night with an old girl. Yeah, but fucking Linda's going to have the time of her life, isn't she?

Linda. Linda. Adam, come and lick my muff. How much was that? I can hand yeah so I'd go and I'd tell him I think that was

I'd tell him I'd just link on the page and then close WhatsApp I think you do the absolute pussy hole thing link the page. You sign

up for a new Gmail. You're like, take yourself out of the chase and be like, I can't be arsed dealing with this face to face. But mate, here's a few links you might want to look at because Susan is a... I'm SARS.

I'd want to know. You would want to know. I know we've gone oh I think he's paid but if he's not he's listen I've got nothing to get if you're a sex worker

pay your bills how you want I've got nothing against it morally but I do think you get to know I think someone who's in a relationship

with someone I'd hope he knows yeah yeah yeah and I'd do the pussy thing of like I don't want to deal

with this in real life. Like that comedian who stunk. Just send him a fucking... Oh, he stinks. Send him some... Stink him. Send him some antiperspirant in the post. You stink, mate.

From a non. Yeah? Yeah. Can we go and get none of those? Break time! Be back with Phil Chapman very soon. Hit the button. Oh, let me tell you

about one of our sponsors, Stitch Fix. I love clothes. You do, and you love them getting sent to your house. I love wearing clothes that have been sent to my house and tailored for me by, like, essentially an online personal shopper. Yeah, and winter clothes are no use. You know why? Because it's summertime.

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and get 20% off when you keep all five items. That's stitchfix.co.uk slash word for 20% off when you keep all five items in your fix. stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word. Get yourself some new clobber because you've started to look a bit scruffy. And you don't want that. Not in the summer months while all you're made to look and flyruffy and you don't want that not in the summer

months while all you're made to look and fly no you don't want to be the only one who's like uh what's john got on no stitch fix are going to box you off nice hey phil chapman's here how are you lads i'm good say that like we haven't spent the last two hours together. Yeah, Nando's. Oh, that Nando's was fucking three out of five. Witness Nando's. You need to pull your fucking socks up, mate, because that was a load of shite today. Want it?

What was that? Bollocks. They're really good, usually. The worst chicken butterfly I've ever had. There's hardly any skin on it. That's all I want it for. Crispy skin. That one's okay. Good for you.

But they can't toast the hummus pita bread. They just won't do it. When you say cook it twice, they're like, oh, do you mean make it- Just toast it a bit more. The hummus looked like ice cream, didn't it? Yeah. Well, they've got an actual ice cream as a scoop.

That's why. I thought that'd be a great- I mean, when they put hummus in a cone. Yeah. Yeah. Oh God, I couldn't eat that. You couldn't eat hummus on a cone? What, with a 99 in?

If you can eat a chocolate flake. With a 99 in it? A chocolate flake. With no ice cream in the top. You mean a flake, innit? Yeah. I get you now. He's bugging the shit out of me today.

I know. You've been in a mood all day. I hate it when you do this. I fucking hate it when you do this. I fucking hate it when you do this. He fucking, and then you go, you're in a fucking mood. You keep biting. Is everything all right?

Oh, don't. Don't do it. I put up with your retarded behavior so much. And then you go, you're right. What have I done wrong? What have I done wrong? I feel fucking're right what have i done wrong what have i done wrong what do you mean you're jealous of this shit and you have been since the second i walked in i could not i walked in here and i seen you're all happy and you looked at me looked at the shares and i seen you whisper

to yourself i wish i had that yeah yeah yeah are you You say you don't know men. You know me, mate. You've got me pinned. If I put that shirt on, I expect there to be cocaine in at least a pocket near it. I have got to do cocaine and wear that shirt. I think you'd suit it. Thanks, Carl. I actually heard one of the Nando chefs say

he's going to teach him a lesson for wearing that shirt. Is that why he made him a shit butt Oh maybe that was it you know Maybe that was it Maybe that was saving in Nando's Oh that makes sense You're too sexy for witness Nando's They're like I can't concentrate

Too sexy for witness Nando's Oh my god Too sexy for witness Nando's It's not really Leanne's fault She's overcooked the chips Look how fuckable that guy is Oh god I was just a little salivating

I think yeah i just think you you know i've seen you look at me and i've seen it yeah it's really put my it's put me off kilter the whole day i know and well it's difficult isn't it trying to podcast with someone that you find sexually attractive totally i just don't know why you don't wear things that you like to be a bit more flamboyant, you clearly want to. Yeah. I don't think it's about me. I think it's about- Stop playing it safe. I think it's about my sexuality now.

You walked in today, I was like, oh my God, I am gay. Wow. And then I've been all off today. And also, Carl's an annoying cunt. So there's that in it. I'm gay now and Carl's a cunt. Although that's pretty-

Sorry, can I finish? You've always been gay. Can I finish? You've always been gay. Carl. Can I finish? Oh, I get it. He's pissed off with you because we're best friends and he wants to fuck me and he's like oh it makes so much sense oh and carl's a

cunt yeah yeah yeah you only think that could yeah son of a bitch cock blocking carl okay yeah um speaking of clothes one of the ashfield tourists Asheville tourists are a baseball club minor league baseball team yeah that's a really nice logo as well I nearly bought an app with that on in London

a couple of weeks ago on Carnaby Street in the New Era store but the reason I didn't is because it wasn't the right shape for my head round

some apps just you've seen me in certain apps some apps suit me some of them you know I look like a kid on his way to Disneyland

for the final time you need a trilby with that shit for the final time he's been going weekly but now they're gonna kill him I meant a dying one you um you got

you suffer from big head syndrome though don't you like I I've got long head syndrome yeah it's like a loaf yeah I've got long head syndrome. Yeah, I got called low-fed at school because the front and the back stick out like a hovis. Look. You see?

Low-fed. Yeah, I got called low-fed at school. And bin-head as well. We had a kid at my school. They had to go to the college to get him an American football helmet because his head was so big. I know. Is this America, obviously? Yeah, yeah, yeah. they had to go to the college to get him an American football helmet because his head was so big. I don't know.

What? Is this America, obviously? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His head was so big. This is peewee football and he had to have a grown man's fucking helmet. Yeah, yeah. This was high school football. They had to go to the college

because they were like, there's no helmets big enough for this massive head. My head shrunk a bit over the years. No. No, it has. I don't think your head shrunk. What? You just got bigger hair

your face got bigger shrunks no hats didn't used to fit me at all and now they do so my head must have been smaller because hats haven't changed have they no

you can't come on my head's shrunk your ears keep growing your nose keeps growing and your head shrinks mine did I'm telling you

just like hats that didn't used to fit me fit me now gone in 10 years so how has that happened but they didn't fit you like you couldn't get it on or they didn't used to fit me, fit me now. Gone in 10 years. So how has that happened? But they didn't fit you like you couldn't get it on or they didn't fit you like... Like I would put it on and it would stretch my eyes up.

They probably didn't fit. Proper working class moments. Give me a headache. That's your hat. You've had it since childhood. You'll shrink into it. Yeah, yeah. Smoking round him.

Mum, I'm coughing, I know, but your head's shrinking. American football. You played football? Oh, God. Did you play football? I never played, no. I just went to watch.

That looks too violent for me. You went to school in America, for those of our listeners who are not aware of that. Did you play any sports? I played ice hockey, which is not the most popular sport in texas probably i'm gonna be different and i was on the soccer team but i didn't play i was on the bench no i've got a varsity jacket which says number one bench woman

oh because i was the favorite player that never played right proper used to you were the phil neville of your high school fucking yeah okay parents love me um you know in our school did you do trials for the footy team in year seven um i don't think so i did and i got put on the b team and then just and this is how arrogant i was even then because our school's A team was full of like academy players a specialist sports college

like almost everyone in the first team played for like Liverpool or Wigan or Tramiel or whatever you were at a specialist sports college yeah yeah

Steven Gerrard went to our school that's something I did not expect Cardinal Eanon was a specialist sports college and John Welch

made a recruitment school they just played him up front and went he'll just get his head on it ping crosses from anywhere I got told

yeah you've made it but you're the B team and I was so like fuck off I just never ever went I don't think I played because offended

I was like B team they were all cocks what I think I will have done it because there's no reason I would have. But I realised quickly

that everyone who likes football in big schools is an absolute tit. Like the football team lads are in majority tits. There's a couple of cool ones but. Even in our school?

Yeah. But lad, come on. Two of them are murderers. One of them's doing 30 years and he was on the footy No

They were all dickheads Like they thought they were the cool kids Because they played footy Yeah But they weren't They weren't In their head Well you were the cool kid

Because you played ice hockey Well I was the uncool kid Because I played ice hockey They had to like meld three schools together Where was your In Texas Where was your Where in Texas

Houston Well Houston Right Ice hockey rink about an hour away right so a proper drive

not in Houston no but no it was still in Houston you can drive for an hour did you just go ice skating with a stick yeah on your own

basically I'm the school team that fucking half British kid's weird isn't he was it an indoor rink it was an indoor rink outdoor rink a little bit of summer pill wasn't that them short season it only happens once every three years Weird, isn't he? Was it an indoor rink? It was an indoor rink. Outdoor rink.

A little bit of swimming pool wasn't that them? Short season. It only happens once every three years when Houston gets frost. That would be good to see though. Like an outdoor in like blazing heat.

You were just in Dubai. Imagine having an ice rink there. Yeah. Imagine how many Mexicans could be amazing ice hockey players. Okay. Playoff. Just a really short ice hockey team.

Is American school as rough as it looks? On like, when it's dramatized? This is from the kids that went to murderer high. No, but I mean, like, it looks, if you're not a cool guy, it looks hard. Like you look like you get it. And by the way, all of our research for this is based entirely on really bad high school films. That's pretty much everyone's research on Americans when they talk to you about it. I've seen Euphoria.

I've seen the program Euphoria. I've seen American Pie, all of them apart from The Reunion. But there's always bullying in every... Yeah, it looks horrible. At any school. No, but it looks like institutionalized bullying. Oh yeah, definitely. Like, you know when school shooters go on a spree?

I'm like, yeah, didn't surprise me me not even like the guy i'm like so obviously some high school shots other people years later they never did it actually in the school oh yeah no they start early there that's why you need to be a one-man ice hockey team yeah yeah because school shooters aren't doing an hour-long commute are they they're going in the gymnasium that's right there where's the ice hockey team? Not getting shot. That's where. Somewhere in Austin. As far away from this place as possible.

What was it like? Was it like jocks? There was. My high school was like, it was a decent high school. But like, they basically go, decent high school. And then they build another one. And then after that one's built, that one becomes the shit one. Yeah.

So it's like malls. You know, like the shit ones. Oh, really? Basically, we go that one becomes the shit one yeah so it's like malls you know like the shit ones oh really basically we go that's the shit one now would there be people would there be like lads in fucking varsity jackets throwing nerdy kids into lockers and locking them in there for the day and stuff yeah maybe that kind of stuff i mean i never got he was wearing that number one bench water guys i'm actually the varsity soccer team i think you'll find i played three minutes this season. So where did you slot in in the society that was school? Surely you were a bit of a...

I didn't really slot in at all. I was just a weird English kid. You were mean girls, weren't you? You were the kid from Africa. Yeah. Yeah? I did, when I was interacting with people, I put on like a...

He was the new guy from another continent. It's very, very good analogy. If you're ever in trouble in America, you just put on the most British accent you can. You get out of anything. Hello! Oh, sorry, officer. I didn't realise these drugs were illegal.

Fuck off! Yeah. What, like, would they... Does it have to be, like, Hugh Granbritish, or can I just use my voice? Yeah, you've got to go Hugh Granbritish. Couldn't just do, like, what the fuck are you talking to, officer?

Weed sound? Can't do that. And he's like, yes, lad. We've got an Iranian. Yeah. I don't think in Texas they're going to be able to pick up a Scouse accent they're just going to think

you're Al Qaeda yeah especially wearing that shirt I think you're from Mexico yeah this isn't Mexican this is fairly much giant headed Mexicans

I can't look at the shirt anymore it's making me question my marriage bought a tit what about the police the police america because they're you know famously naughty what are they like naughty yeah and terrifying mate carly's white so yeah but still you can middle class white kid fucking terrified of the police of the police yeah what they've got i've i had a gun pulled on me by cops twice. For what?

Once getting out of the car and walking towards me. Get back in the car! Yeah, yeah. Because you know like here you get in the back of the police car when you get pulled over. Oh, you have to stay in the vehicle. You have to stay in the car, 10 and 2. And you're like, hello, officer! Hello, officer!

What seems to be the problem? This guy's fucking drunk. And what about the other time? The other time was a party and it was like on a bunch of us. That's the go-to thing. Get on the ground. All of you get on the ground.

Yeah, because to be fair to the American cops, if there's a chance that everyone else has guns, you probably as a police officer think, I might get a gun out first. Yeah, yeah. I might, yeah.

Just strike while they're at it. And there lies in the problem I couldn't be in a medical busy just honestly you can't give me a gun and tell me to keep people in line because I will use it

yeah but that's what they want yeah I know but like just get your gun out yeah I'd just be so tempted first person who rejected my authority

what was that no the leg I'd just be like tempted. First person who rejected my authority. What was that? No, the leg. I'd just be like, fuck off, lad. Say, anyone else? No. Through the car window, you'd have to reach in. The leg. He's already thought.

The scary thing is, he's already thought about it. No car, the leg. He's sat in the car. You'd have to reach in and fuck off. Just wind the window down a bit further. You'd have to have a no way. Excuse me, officer. Do you know the way to the in and fuck off. Just wind the window down a bit further. You're going to have no way. Excuse me, officer. Do you know the way to the mall?

Fucking leg. Leg. I don't like the way you fucking mouthed off there. You could have walked there, love. And see you fucking mouthed off about it. Fuck off. You would be awful. I've just got no patience.

I like your shirt, sarcasm. There you go. Someone said they liked the shirt. I was like, you know what, lad? You what you have to go you've earned it i'd like to see cops in that shirt just all wearing the miami vice watch miami vice miami vice a lot of uh school drink that's the other cliche isn't it that because you can't go on the piss till you're no 21 yeah absolutely legendary house parties yeah yeah we did some good house partying like we were our mate's uncle was a bounty hunter and medic is my yeah and he lived downtown and they had a fucking tree house in their backyard right it went out into a bayou and when i say treehouse you're thinking like oh just climb the steps it was like a full-on like adventure playground thing

yeah it was amazing you don't say no to that invite no my bounty hunter uncle is having a party in a tree house your first instinct is sounds like a pedo but yeah sort of can't miss it also just all the drugs that they've confiscated. They were just like, oh, we have a thing of drugs. I mean, back then I was like, I'm just booze. Got to stick with the old. See, I'm just booze now, largely. Like, I've done drugs, I just don't like them.

I never feel good about myself after having done them. Unless it's pot. Apart from pot. So you didn't grow up near the Mexican border, though. No, that's what I'm saying. If that was me at, what, 13? 13. 13?

It was more 17 when we were doing this. Oh, see, house parties started much younger than that. Like, they were quite... If I was offered crack at 13, I reckon I'd have become a crackhead. Is what I'm saying. Might have gone in the 80s.

Had to win in the leg. How do I win? In the leg Could you have resisted crack at 13? What a stupid question Could you have resisted crack? I can't resist this Come here I'll just do crack now

You eat it Crack is so Morris. Put it in a pack of Haribos. Yeah. Oh yeah. Crack a bowl. Yeah, I think I could have it. At 13, you know.

You're all your mates having a go on the old crack pipe. No, all my mates are playing Warhammer. So I reckon, I'd be like, do you know what? I've got to finish this Blood Angels painting. I'm not saying that, am I? What are you? Do you collect Ultramarines? No, I'm not saying that, am I? YouTube clips. Ultramarines. No, I'm on crack.

I think it's about Warhammer 40K. A bit boring. Have you ever tried it on crack? Space wolves. I'm saying, if you were in Preston and your mate had a multifunctional treehouse and his bounty hunter dad was like, do you want some crack?

And all your mates were doing crack, are you telling me you'd have been there going, no, I'm going to play Pokemon Blue. Bollocks. Yeah, honestly, can't argue with you. That's quite a specific set of circumstances. Are you trying to tell me that if you're there in a treehouse in Preston in 13 and everyone's doing crack,

you could resist crack? If you were pinned down and crack was put in your leg, Dan, who's painting space walls then? You know, good point, Adam. Really good point. And lovely nipples. Yeah, I think 13 I could. At 17, I think then, you know.

They didn't offer crack. They were quite responsible drug users. They weren't like, right. We got Bud Light over there, weed over there, crack. Oh, is it just weed?

Yeah, it was just like weed. Oh, and balloons. What are they? Nitrous oxide. Oh, ah.

Rubber pot. Yeah. That's what they call it over here. Yeah. That's a little different. Yeah, that's not what I thought it was. I thought you were having a big crack and pills party

at 13 in the street. Imagine if that was how he made all his business as a bounty hunter just inviting 13 year olds around giving them crack your bounty hunters can they kill the person yeah i think so yeah well it's like no normal no you can defend yourself oh no you've not got license to kill people you've got a there's a warrant out and you've got to take them into custody. Dead or alive? You don't get to, I don't think it is dead or alive.

Because otherwise, murderers could just be like, yeah, I'm a bounty hunter. Warrant, pow, pow, pow. Shit. Right. You can't shoot them in the leg. What did you think

a bounty hunter did? No, I've just, I've just got onto what a bounty hunter is. I thought a bounty hunter was someone owed someone else money and they went and got it that's a bailiff in it yeah essentially a bounty hunter is there's a warrant out for carl's arrest i go to his house take him to the police station and they give me the reward money for him yeah no no but the bounty hunters

work for the bail bonds company yeah so they when you go if you got arrested and they were like it's 10 grand bail yeah you go to the bondsman and say, can I borrow 10 grand to give to them? It's a very, it's hard to understand because there's nothing like it in the English judiciary system. There's not, it doesn't work. Like you buy the debt. You basically, the bounty hunter then takes on that debt. Yeah. And gets them back.

And that's why they have to get them back because they're not allowed to they're not the police they're not allowed to just shoot you just walk away can you arrest them they can yeah they can arrest them you've got arrestable powers they can kick your door down if they need to oh shit you've got to watch dog the bounty hunter guys yeah it was one of my favorite trash tv bits they had what did they have famously bear mace they yeah they never had guns yeah he wasn't allowed to go was he they just turned up with trash TV bits. They had, what did they have famously? Bear mace. They never had guns. He wasn't allowed a gun,

was he? They just turned up with bear mace. But it was like, everything was like, oh my God, you look like sort of an FBI tactical team. And what you were was

a fucking lunatic and his big fat peroxide wife and everything they bought, you could have got on Amazon. Like Velcro, everything. All available at Walmart. Hang on. And then they went bounty hunting. Yeah got on Amazon. Like Velcro, everything. All available at Walmart. Hang on.

And then they went bounty hunting. Yeah. On Hawaii. Carbine rifles. Whoa, whoa, whoa. By the way, everyone's on crystal meth. I've never watched Dog the Bounty Hunter. You would love it.

And I thought it was a cartoon about a dog to bounty hunt. No. The dog. I am the dog the big bad dog you're telling me dog the bounty hunter is a big man

he looked like a 1980s wrestler it's a real it's like a documentary I think he was related to Hulk Hogan he's like his fifth cousin it's so amazing

and he's you've never watched it have you watched it and his wife so you're telling me Hulk Hogan's fifth cousin is a bounty hunter in hawaii there's in hawaii and there's a documentary about him and it's not a cartoon

about a dalmatian who goes and arrests people you're thinking of scooby-doo no but you know we're getting into animation so i think we've got an angle here dr barry hunter hang on what happens if the kid who's your messenger says i'm a bounty hunter as well you're under arrest? Right. How would that work? I don't see how they've got this power. Well, they're licensed. They're licensed bounty hunters.

Oh, you have to train up. Yeah. You can't just decide one day to be a bounty hunter. Also, amazing, like, well, I'm a bounty hunter and you're under arrest. All right, well, that's the end of that. See you later. Clever, that.

I'm a policeman and you're a paedophile. No. I'm a policeman and you're a paedophile. No, I'm a policeman and you're a paedophile. Yeah, but it's a civil arrest. Whose proof is it? That's what I mean. It's a civil arrest. It's the courts. There is a warrant out for their arrest.

Right. They're not just going up to people in the streets and being like, you, come with me for money. It's not random, is it? It sounds random. It's not the way to get out of it well I'm a bounty hunter as well so

keep walking and I think you'll find that everyone you're trying to arrest today is also a bounty hunter there you go if I was a criminal I'd get a licence

to bounty hunter flip it on them imagine sitting in a jail cell should have said I was a bounty hunter so they can do everything but like harm people I'm guessing they can't like they've just got to they've just got to Imagine sitting in a jail cell. Should have said I was a bad dog. So they can do everything but harm people, I'm guessing. They've just got to rough them up a bit.

They can legally do WWE wrestling moves on you. That's why Hulk Hogan's cousin does it. He taught him. They can legally do that. They can't punch you. Why are you telling me 10 minutes ago or 10 seconds ago? You didn't think this was a cartoon about a dog? No.

I didn't think, I thought, I know what bouncy hunters are. I just thought the dog, the bouncy hunter was a cartoon about it. It was so bad. But they can do, like they can rock bottom,

yeah, for your money. They literally built it up like, today we're going after, and there's like, the warrant's out for him. He's like done this, he's done that,

he's done that. Yeah. And then they get there and he'd be like, right guys, we're going in. And they'd be two SUVs all strapping up like, and they've got bear mace so it looks like a gun, but it's actually bear mace.

And then they get there, knock on, and they're like, is he here? And his mum's like, no, he's not here. And they're like, is he here? No, he's not here. Right. Well, let us know if he comes home. And then they just wander off. So they haven't got warrants like to go in

no they do because the court issues the warrant gives it to them mad but they no they can't go in people's houses

they used to go in people's houses all the time yeah they did if they were invited in they can't just break doors down they're like vampires then they always used to go around the back

send baby Lisa around the back baby Lisa send baby Lisa around the back imagine getting arrested by baby Lisa genuinely I think you would love this show okay how old's the baby she was about 23 24. six months old she was scouts she was the youngest baby lisa i think she tried hey send the baby down the back that's such a great reference Send our baby round It's our baby

He's 23 We're going to Brody We've got her some bear mace That's what she wants So they can mace people I mean You very rarely saw it But yeah they had bear mace

Yeah Loads of mace It's like a fire extinguisher Oh god That sounds incredible watch it maybe we should do the best part was at the end when they give him the talk to you know

he'd like he'd proper like punch him in the face and like wrestling him down once they're in the SUV yeah and he'd be like

we solved it right dog and he'd go Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

Hang on, just turn the radio down. Yeah, we did it, yeah. They always had handcuffs on and a cigarette in the mask. It's Baby Lisa. Baby Lisa's in the background. Yeah, fuck you, love. That's the winning song. They just used to sing if they get someone.

Ruby Roo! Do you know what Scooby-Doo is? Scooby-Doo! Fucking idiot. Is that it? Obviously. What do you mean, is that it? Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

That's how Scooby-Doo says his own name. No, he says Raggy. He doesn't say Ruby Roo. He says his own name, which is Ruby, Ruby, Roo, because he can't say ruby roo he says his own name which is ruby ruby roo because he can't pronounce the scoops he says scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby do no he doesn't yes he does

Jonathan Ross he fucking does I'm telling you right now hey Scooby goes scooby dooby dooby do scooby do saying scooby dooby dooby doo. Scooby doo saying Scooby dooby doo. It's like a copulated. Oh God. We look at YouTube premium.

I thought that was part of the, how fancy was Scooby doo? The hell I'm made. Ready? Are we ready? Scooby dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Doy Doy Doy Doybo Doy Doy Doybo Doy Doy Doybo Doy Doy Doy Doy Doy Doy Do! He went Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo! It was like you clicked on! Can I watch a video of Scooby Dooby being said

in the most enunciated way ever? It's Scooby Dooby Doo! And that's when we worked out Adam had a hearing impairment. He doesn't say Ruby Ruby Ruby! You're thinking of the Kaiser Chiefs? Yes. Scooby, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby.

Oh. Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God. Scooby-Dooby-Dooby-Doo. Oh, God. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would still be stood up loving that. That is so beautiful.

So, the cops in america just trying to circle this back but they are scary aren't they they've all got guns yeah when we see when i see police with guns in the uk i'm like oh shit it's jarring isn't it i always think it's just the airport i don't think i've ever seen it no I've seen them in train stations like recently in London there's a lot more of it around and like just patrol

on the streets of London as well Lytham Festival had armed guards armed police everywhere and do you know what's really do you know what's really funny Lytham Festival

on the Fylde coast yeah they were like Al-Qaeda Al-Qaeda do you know when they've got the rifles and they've got the finger like behind the trigger

yeah they were all doing that about 50 of them up the road yeah it's happening more in London you just see them walking about but the police

who have them always look like they're shitting themselves don't even notice that they look nervous like I don't want to have to fire this again you know like

you know what I mean there's loads of paperwork over here yeah where's there the opposite is shooting the leg I'm more scared of a busy with a baton

than a gun I'm shitting because if I shoot three people I've got a weekend planned away and all that paperwork what's the opposite

of a nervous someone like Yippee-ki-yay you know you know I'll shoot you I will and I'll be confident

about it spinning it spinning it you know how busies are always Like you know what pigs scum are like They're all like confident and cocky And like full of themselves

Unless they've got a machine gun And then they're nervous Yeah Yeah It's like they know That like they can't really use it They're all just When they've got a stick

They're like Whoopie whoopie whoop Fucking rat You can see it in their eyes Straight facts If they wanted it Yeah The ones with the guns

Don't want to shoot you. Fact. The Lytham Festival, they had guns. I was like, holy shit. Lytham for one and being a small music festival where the Strokes were playing.

Have you seen the Busy at Downer Festival a couple of years ago with a bazooka? Just in case it all kicked off. Do you remember that terrorist attack a few years ago? That would solve it. For the nativity.

They had armed guards outside the nativity. In case they came alive. Yeah. Like they were like, just in case anyone attacks the nativity. And it was like, it's a plastic baby Jesus. What's that going to do?

Sounds like America, doesn't it? I wish it was. It's here. Have your family got guns in the States? No, they don't live there anymore, but they didn't have guns. Hang on. Tell us the timeline of it.

You were born here. Yeah. And then what like you're like i'm gonna go to texas for a bit no my dad was working out there right so they were like listen you're working out here move the fam in oil yeah right move the fam it was a part-time ice skater as well yeah part-time mexican ice he made the team have you ever touched a gun? Have I touched a gun? Yeah I mean like How do you think I was so good At shooting on the stack?

You just beat me Me and Phil got to the final Of the shooting Oh yeah I just thought You were American You caught shot of fucking I didn't have a gun But like friends had guns

I'd have a gun If I had been American Like 100% I'm not sure they'd allow you Not looking nervous They wouldn't allow me I think they'd use The last half an hour

Of this episode To make sure you didn't have a gun they famously don't do background checks you come walking I don't even have to tell them my name I'm John Gunn

give me me gun you don't even have to show ID to buy a gun etch the name on it John Gunn like for everything you have to show like

10 forms of ID booze everything like that but guns they're like yeah we'll take your word for it because of the second Amendment? Yeah. That's the whole, that's absolutely mental about it. There's no way I'd be living in a country where everyone's got a gun but me.

Like, I need a level playing field, do you know what I mean? Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Yeah. Totally. I'm all for gun control. I think it's the right thing to do, especially like, with, you know, the school shootings and all the recent problems over there, which is ridiculous. Or or while everyone else has got one

I'd be having at least like 12 guns in my hand imagine what Scousers would be like if there was like no gun laws over here

yeah it would be look at baby Lisa I've got a gold fucking Uzi that's what she

wanted she's 18 now she needs it I'd have a gun hanging off the's what she wanted she's 18 now she needs it I'd have a gun hanging off the back of me front door like just in case with the knocker

yeah knock with a desert eagle that's the worst place to put it because that's tent that's where they come through the door oh yeah

but like just can you move out of the way a second mate just need to grab that what if you've got one over every door the Amazon guy nervously ringing adam's bell like so just reaching up oh package is it you see the little slip come through the door

get back here boy adam's new missus we haven't had posts for two years i know fucking yeah if the uk brought guns in the same as the states would you get one would you be 100 to you, Mrs. We haven't had posts for two years. I know. Fucking. If the UK brought guns in the same as the States, would you get one? Would you be- 100%. Without any shadow of a doubt, I'd have a double-barreled

shotgun within an hour. Scottish John. I don't think I'd get one. They had like a gun amnesty the other day in America somewhere, and someone just went on the 3D printer thing

and printed off loads of 3D printer thing and printed off loads of 3D printed guns so they were unregistered and then turned them all in. Oh the guy who killed Shinzo Abe killed him

with a plastic printed gun. Was that the Japanese PM or former PM? He was a conservative so all my students hated him because he was essentially like

David Cameron. Right. But then he got killed and I was like oh that's a bit shit. And he was one of the chief writers on the original killed and I was like oh that's bit shit and he was one of the chief writers on the

original Pokemon series as well he was a busy man he deserved to die that was the worst series

kill him you held it back would you have a gun Dan if you went listen we're going to go

out to states gun open carries legal protect your family would you go out and get would you go to the local ASDA I mean yeah

if the government came out and went protect your family no I mean you could you had the right to I'm not saying they're telling you to but like you had the constitutional right to protect your family with a gun

well it would be a slow start wouldn't it it would be a slow start but then within 20 years there'd be there'd be a massive problem I don't think it would be as slow start, wouldn't it? It would be a slow start, but then within 20 years, there'd be, there'd be a massive problem. I don't think it would be as slow a start as you think.

Yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't know. Most people would have a machine gun, wouldn't we? We ran out of hand sanitizer during the pandemic.

That's, there's a national shortage of bog roll. I can't get a bog roll or a gun. Fucking nightmare. I don't want to shoot anyone. But there are countries around the world that have a lot of guns per. I don't want to shoot anyone. But there are countries around the world

that have a lot of guns per capita, don't they? And they don't have the gun problem that the States have. There's something about the culture. I think it's the schools. It definitely is. I was ready to shoot at the school day one. Day one? Day one.

And if you had, you maybe got on that fucking soccer team there's been a school shooter he shot the first eleven didn't really think about how to play he just shot one guy

and he got on don't shoot the whole team because then it's you and just the Mexican ice hockey players but it is surely the way schools are making incels and stuff

and making like people get have horrible starts to their life. That's what it is. You go in, like, day one, I went in, strange country, only been there like a week and a half. How old were you? 14.

So high school was my first day. Okay. And I went in, and literally they sat me down and gave me a slip, and they were like, here's your locker, and here's your schedule. And I was like, it was like g93 and i was like where is this locker to the teacher and she was like i don't know i've never heard of the g lockers they must be new and i was like okay and then every class the teacher would come in give you uh like a little speech for like five minutes on what you were going to expect for that year and then make you come to the front of the class and sign out a

like 10 kilogram textbook and then go make sure you put that in then make you come to the front of the class and sign out a like 10 kilogram textbook and then go make sure you put that in your locker you have to bring it every class and every teacher i go where is this locker and they go i don't know where the g lockers are so i couldn't find this locker for the first i must have felt so good and i got like seven books like all 10 kilos just and i was like a fucking nerd walking around. Everyone else knew where the lockers were. I couldn't find mine for two weeks. And everyone just passes it on to someone else.

That's why I was ready to shoot up the school by the end. Because by the end of the day, I was like, where's this fucking locker? I don't know, you'll have to ask somebody. And I was like, I've asked 90 people. I'd have been so scared after the first two teachers who didn't help me. I'd have gone, I'm not going there again. I'd have been so scared. I asked every teacher. Yeah, that's horrible.

Did you not get assigned a buddy? Huh? Did you not get assigned a buddy? No. Everyone was new. Like first day for all the freshmen. But it's like the first day in prison. Massive school as well.

Ginormous. Thousand something people in my year. That's what I mean. American school seems hard work. Yeah. And I didn't get lunch till like the end of the day. in my ear. Oh, see, that's what I mean. American school seems hard work. Yeah. And like, I didn't get lunch till like the end

of the day. Like lunch was like, like an hour left of school. What? Yeah. You had to go the whole day. Start at seven in the morning,

go all day, no food. Fuck! Carrying like 70 kilos of textbooks around because you can't find your fucking locker. By the way,

when I did find it, the combination was wrong. How long were you at the school? The whole four years. The whole of high school? Yeah, I did the whole high school there. What were you like at the end though? Were you not like the cool English guy?

No, I'd sort of lost the accent then. Right. And I was kind of one of them. You're less American than when I first gigged with you 10, 12 years ago. People, it's the number one question I get asked, where the fuck are you from? Yeah, because your accent is ambiguous, isn't it?

Yeah, but there's loads to it. You've got the Andrew Tate thing going on, and I don't mean that in a cunty way, but that's the same, like... I have the same views on women. That's why we booked you. Yeah. You don't have the same views on TikTok.

Hey, you. That's why we booked you Yeah You don't have the same views On TikTok I mean you're doing All right Phil But you know what I mean My man is cleaning up Yeah God What do you think about him We've talked about it Recently haven't we

He's fire We talked about it on this Oh shit Did he come up last week He came up when he was away Yeah Mr. Andrew Tate, the king of TikTok. I don't really want to talk about him for very long

because I don't want to give him any more air time than whatever, but he's going to create many, many problems for young women, isn't he? Yeah. And it's like the people, it's the incels, isn't it? It's going to create these horrible fucking nerds. Horrible, man. It's an odious cunt. Yeah.

Yeah. That's why we can't have guns. Andrew Tate. I've never even seen a gun. Like, we've shot the shotgun at the stag, but I've never, like, the fact that, like, you can just see a gun in the shop.

I held one when I was about 12, 13. Do you want to hear the worst thing I've ever done? Yeah. I made a girl shit herself one time. Actually, shit her pants. I done that. With me dick. I'm not even messing.

I. With my pants on. We went to a friend's house. And he was cleaning his gun. And it was out. Like all. Apart. And there was a.

Like just a like a plastic tube. Nearby. And this girl was. Back to me. And I picked up the plastic tube and went. Freeze. And because of the like. She'd seen the. She'd put her pants. Gun because of the, like, she'd seen the gun,

she assumed I'd just put a gun to the back of her head. Wow. You know when you hear the- I mean, from her point of view, that is a fair assumption. Yeah. And that was the moment I was like, that prank has gone too far. What, when you was poo dribbling down her leg? Yeah, yeah. She seems pretty tightly strong strong though Doesn't she

She's playing In a garage With a guy that's Cleaning a gun And she's like Whoa This was in the Living room

He was cleaning his gun In the living room He wasn't cleaning it He'd been cleaning it And it was still Hanging around Get my gun out In the living room

Come round Stacy This prank is going to be So funny And then it's not She actually P pooed her pants actually she had her pants wow and i agreed on principle not to tell anyone so long as she didn't tell anyone what was her name what i had done it's always healthy when you're doing that with high school girls isn't it let's not tell anyone about this have you ever held a gun

dan um yeah i went we went in New Zealand. We went, shot a shotgun for a bit. No, that's what I mean. I don't mean a gun. I can't believe you've never seen a gun shop. In Preston, in North Preston, there's like a cattle market because on the north side of Preston,

there's loads of farms north of Preston and it's not even that far out of town. It's near North End's ground. There is an old, where they do the cattle auction. And there's a gun shop there. And I've been in that gun shop. And you're like, this is two and a half miles

from where I grew up in suburban Preston. Is it all shotguns? It's just the most mental thing to see. How is, what is the security need to be like? Because in your head guns are such an american thing if you're a suburban kid or a city kid or whatever but actually the whole of the agricultural community is like yeah of course you need a gun like yeah there are so many guns have you ever held one on the street though yeah yeah yeah because in suburban pen

with them i don't sorry i He asked that so sincerely as well. I have. Because I don't know if you know this about Hutton Grammar, just on the edge of Preston. Just gun crime was a big problem all the time. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I finished choir practice and I was like, I'm going to shoot at least three choir boys

just to get to my fucking mum's car. No, I've never. My mate's cousin, Alan. Here we go. Here's the Scoutsman. What kind of gun? A handgun. Like a pistol? cousin, Alan. Here we go. Here's the scout. What kind of gun? A handgun. Like a pistol?

Yeah, like a silver handgun. On his way to beavers. Why though? He just had a gun. Didn't question this. It wasn't that abnormal. It is. It was, though.

Okay, maybe it was, but it wasn't for me where I grew up. Loads of people had guns. This was just the first one I got to touch I can't have it I can't have it To be fair Dovecart isn't the cleanest Of areas

Yeah I get it But he's like Wasn't that abnormal One of my mates Had a really big family And they were all Like sort of Scallies

And his cousin Had a gun And he let me hold it He was like Yeah I'd have a go with that Was it loaded I'd like to say yeah But I don't know.

What? How old were you? About 12, 13? He was on his car. Imagine giving a 13-year-old an unloaded... Or a loaded weapon. Unloaded. I was sat on my own fence.

Holding it. Outside my house. On the stoop. Did you point? No, I just sort of held it quite sheepishly and then gave him a pat. And then rubbed off your prints

as you knew he might have fucking shot at you you know always wipe your prints off the gun

you were showing us that he got it for Christmas oh the Christmas won't bring your handgun

silly he got a gun for Christmas and I held it I love it how you're like it wasn't abnormal it was though wasn't it to. He got a gun for Christmas and I held it. I love it how you're like, it wasn't abnormal. It was though, wasn't it?

To you. He got a gun for Christmas. To 12 year old Adam. I wrapped up. Do you want to see my gun? Do you want to see my gun, Adam? I'm bored of seeing them.

It's Dovecot, early noughties, can't move for fucking firearms and Kawasaki's that didn't exist. He did have a motorbike. Right, yeah,

yeah, yeah. I mean, he did, didn't he? He did, yeah. He had a gun, he had a motorbike. He. He did have a motorbike. Right, yeah, yeah. I mean, he did, didn't he? He did, yeah. He had a gun, he had a motorbike. He had a gun and a motorbike. And he was 13. This section is sponsored by guns.

It's literally like we're trying to flog guns. Have you ever seen an assault rifle in the wild? That's what I mean. I have, yeah, because it's open carry, Texas. You can have... An assault rifle? Yeah, yeah. You go to the co-op with an assault rifle. Yeah, yeah.

And no one goes with them. People have like signs saying, don't bring guns in here, but it's like masks in it. But I mean, Texas is the most gun state, isn't it? They are the most open. There's literally no... It's the one country that's like, it's the only state where the flag can fly at the same

level as the US flag because it can be its own country because it used to be its own country right yeah and at any point

they can break away right it's written into the Texas Constitution not every not every state's open carry though is it no no

loads of them are normal right sensible but in Texas like listen you need a a machine concealed carry isn't that worse

what surely concealed's worse concealed's worse because you don't know who has it concealed is hidden under your jacket or whatever

yeah but that's still less nerve wracking than seeing a fucking man with an Uzi walking around Walmart yeah yeah and they tend to not look as nervous

as the cops in the UK yeah yeah do they have Uzi's though what so they don't have Uzi's they can open carry no you can't no you can't you can't have a machine gun machine guns are just illegal you can't have rapid fire you can have a machine gun but it has to be i would pull the custom don't do so the end of yeah so that yeah that's life in prison though in it oh if you make an automatic if you have an auto if you have a machine gun that's pretty much life.

If you, yeah, if you modify. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Modify the guns, yeah. It's a felony. Modify it in any way. Just for. Take off the serial number. Like shave it off.

When was the first time you saw a machine gun? Five years, isn't it? 14. Unregistered firearm. I don't know. PGL. What?

PGL. What? PGL What's PGL? This is what we went to On the end of primary school Parents get lost Don't bring your machine gun though Machine gun Yeah but there's a tuck shop

And I've got no fucking money Good Pack the machine gun Give me all your fucking Shirt that dib dabs Is that what it's done for yeah? Parents get lost I can't remember what it's done for

No it was proper good laugh Everyone went for a really good day It sounded like it Is that what it's done for, yeah? Parents get lost? I can't remember what it's done for. No, it was proper good laugh. Everyone went for a really good day. It sounded like it. A bit short of machine guns. We're ready for the break here, aren't we? People gun loads. Nailed it. Proper gun lover.

Oh, God. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying Today's patron exclusive We've got some new merch That you can see Over my boobie Is this real? This is an add this

Oh For the merch For the merch That you're wearing Get one of these ones But when you buy it Get one that fits you They come in different sizes

But I would definitely Maybe order One size up Unless you want to feel like It's a Tammy girl starter bra Have a word pod Dot com They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said don't be doing the mean thing.

You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it i like you i think you look good fucking pathetic but you'll look better in have a word pod merch that's what i was saying just in a more polite way and that's here because carlo put the

graphic in have a word pod.com if you can't read get on me What's being said Just before we press record Is Makes me giggle It's usually naughty And Carl saying Let's bum his head in Just got me

Off guard a little bit But that's because I like and respect him He's not He's not What? Come on That's you know

No we had a good section there So he's come out of his mood Yeah I'm still too sexually attracted To engage with that but I get it Come on, that's, you know. No, we had a good section there, so he's come out of his mood. Yeah. I'm still too sexually attracted to engage with that, but. I get it. You know, you're just. You okay now? You're a brother in pod.

Thank you. A brother in pod. And sometimes you want to bum your brother's head in. Oh, I pressed the wrong button. Ray, can we do speed round? Let's do it. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. Let's do a speed round.

Jack Matchell says, all right, lids, question for you all. What's up? What's up? Doesn't matter. Go on. Question for you all.

After watching Freddie Quinn kill it on Good Morning britain debating if it's right if actors wear fat suits for roles what topic would each of the lids including phil like to debate on some garbage breakfast telly show um first of all freddie quinn on uh good morning britain was one of the weirdest optics i've ever had to engage in. It was great. I don't know how they booked it, how we got on there. I can't believe he was on a news program and he hadn't murdered

any women. Yeah. And also, that was the big surprise. I woke up to tweets going, have you seen Fred? You're on Good Morning Britain. And I was like, oh, how many of the bodies have you found? And it did. We're going to be seeing freddie young good morning britain and i was like oh how many of the bodies and it did it was we're gonna talk about yeah we're gonna talk about fat people here's uh preston fat cunt freddie quinn well they got him in to be the the fat guy who thinks fat people

should shut up didn't he yeah he did a great job of it yeah because he's a comic yeah and she was right up his street. She was, and I mean this respectfully, big fat dum-dum. She wasn't great, was she? I didn't really listen to her. She wasn't good. I don't think you even watched her.

I did. I watched the clip. It's hard to argue that, innit? Well, she was arguing... Can I have a bottle of water, please? Is that possible? Yeah. She was arguing you have to be a fat person.

I get it, because TV producers go, right, this is a thing let's get two people with opposing opinions hers was a bit lame i know there's like that culture of like well you can't do this and these people should be represented by these people and i get it but but that's how the british public gets stupid now with a fat suit isn't that they bring in some idiot that hasn't any fucking clue. And like,

if they're debating climate change, they'll get on like a scientist. Yeah. And then Novak748 from Twitter has brought some memes. It's so funny though. And then they have to...

The smart scientist has to take apart this... Isn't that thing like, oh, it should be one of them... Like one of them people. Everyone can be fat. It's like, oh, don't have like, I don't know like an asian actor played by a white guy get that like in a poo i honestly thought you were gonna go everyone can be asian no but you can't that's the point everyone

can be fat she's a fucking shut up i didn't even listen to her but it doesn't matter a point is that it's hard to be fat and an actress and get leading roles. And that is one of the only leading roles in cinema. Do you know what they were talking about? It's Emma... What's her name? Thompson. Emma Thompson is playing Miss Trunchbull in the new Matilda.

So what they're saying is that is a leading role in a movie. And there's so few of those opportunities for fat actors. They're always the fat mate, the funny friend, the sidekick. There's not very many opportunities for fat actors to actually play a leading role. So that should go to a fat person. What makes you fat, though? Like, at what level are you fat?

What? Like, it's on your CV. When you start complaining about it. Yeah. When you start complaining about people saying stuff about fat people yeah I'm a fat actor I can't get

can't get that wrong when you wake up out of breath if you've ever woke up out of breath you can play Miss Trunchbull when you can't complete the scene as Miss Trunchbull because you're too fat can you swing that kid around your head

I can't fucking knock it I'm dead fat when you can't get inside the chokie close the door so is it a fat person or is it a thin person in a suit? It's a thin person in a suit.

Emma Thompson. Emma Thompson. Who cares? Fat people care. That's what I'm saying. Why? Oh. Because fat people watch it because you can shut up.

Fat people like to see themselves as like a minority. I've had to deal with it when I've made like fat jokes. Everybody can fat what everybody could be fat yeah what's that how's that they're not a minority are they but they want to be yeah well do you know so that's the world we live in everyone wants to be a minority because if you're a minority now you get given opportunities ahead of non-minorities so that's what they're trying to do like there's been a wave of like you know people are arguing that if you're not black you can't play black roles if you're not gay you can't play gay roles fat people are just like well we're not getting any and we won't get involved and it's just it's literally just

that and that's essentially what freddie did i i understand where she's coming from i also just think it's a bit silly and actors should be allowed to do whatever they want is there an andrew tate of fat people I think that's Freddy it is it's Freddy can you fat up then for the role why like do that way

like Christian Bale Christian Bale yeah he does it he changes his way for roles yeah I know

fucking shut up I want a real smack head this is becoming a trope towards the end of the day Carl just loses

patience he's like fucking shut up. Next question. This is from Steve. What a fucking stupid name. Stephen Elliott says, would you rather have to have Jamie Hutchinson

perform all of your foreplay for you or have to perform all of his foreplay for whatever nanny's pulled? Speed round. I would. So easy. I hate foreplay. I'd let him do it.

What? You hate foreplay? Yeah. You don't like getting sucked off? Oh, yeah. I like i hate foreplay i'd let him do it what hey far play yeah you don't like getting sucked off oh yeah i like getting the foreplay but i thought you meant do the foreplay and someone else i'm like yeah i know what you mean i know you mean can you ask the question do you like eating pussy yeah no yeah yes that's a lot of people by the way it would be quite something i don't like eating much that's why I'm... I love it, mate. Yeah. And also, it would be pretty off-putting, you know, as you go to bed, you're like, I'm going to give my missus the good scene too.

And you know Jamie Hutchinson is waiting on the landing. Just farting. I'd give him walk-on music and everything. Can the gale refuse? Playing foxy bingo, losing his rent. The gale can surely refuse to be like, I'm not having him play with me pussy and then have you come and finish the job. So could the granny, I suppose.

She could. I don't think, I think if the granny's going to home with Jamie, she'd be quite happy to have me do a bit of the work. Yeah, I think Laura's, yeah, I don't know if she'd be dead happy with it. I'd be like,

love it to would you rather and they're all powerful. She's like, I don't care. He's really good on the pod. He's really good on the pod. He's one of the best podcast storytellers in the game. She's like, I don't care. He's really good on the pod. He's really good on the pod. He's one of the best podcast storytellers in the game. She's like, yeah, he's not. She nearly said it out loud.

He's not you, Dan. Yeah. What are you going for? I'll fuck the man. Is that one of the options? It's all grim, isn't it? Yeah. It's all Jamie naked.

I don't want to. I've grim, isn't it? Yeah. It's all Jamie naked. I don't want to... I've seen it. Have you? Yeah, Berlin. You've seen Jamie Hutchinson's penis. I've seen Jamie Hutchinson's penis. We were in Berlin. I've got a photo of it somewhere.

Berlin. He was up on a bin naked. We were there? Yeah, no, me, him and Callum disappeared for a while and went to some weird German bar. And found a bin. And found a bin outside. And he got naked.

He got naked on top of the bin. He wasn't naked. He was just pants around his ankles. Proper Brits abroad. No, that's not proper Brits abroad. That's Jamie Hutchinson in Berlin. Classic Brits abroad. That's Jamie Hutchinson on a Tuesday.

On their underpants. In their underpants on a bin how was Berlin who was that for was that Paul Smith yeah it was terrible

Paul Blair thought Oktoberfest was a gazebo outside Primark and I'm not even messing with you we had to pay a two euro

deposit for a glass for a glass at Oktoberfest we made the most of it though yeah we had a good yeah two euro deposit for a glass for a glass at Oktoberfest we made the most of it though yeah we had a good yeah that Irish bar that night was great

and there was a massive evacuation of the hotel that was pure luck total luck that it was like Berlin Wall Day or whatever who was the

who was MVP of that stag Jamie no Jamie I reckon it was probably say MVP you mean the someone who gets

the most fucked up no no who's the one who you're like they were great value the whole the whole I honestly think

it came down to me and Phil sorting everything else because Paul Blair was meant to play at that time me and Paul Blair were both Paul Smith's

best man but we were like look let's not both try and organise a stag do let's and Paul Blair had done it before

so I was like you just do it and then don't want too many cucks but then he got so fucked he couldn't do anything and it was essentially me and you

he concentrated on the pranks didn't he yeah he bought him like a pair of swimming shorts yeah that disappeared he was like

we need to turn to a public swimming pool there's only one opening it's seven miles away we need five taxis and we were like it's not worth it and Paul Smith knew the joke yeah and then we tried to go in the Radisson yeah we tried like, it's not worth it. And Paul Smith knew the joke.

Yeah. And then we tried to go in the Radisson. Yeah, we tried to go in the Radisson. It was like, can we all use the swimming pool? And they were like, I'm sorry, no, we don't let any strangers

into the pool after the time, yeah. There's a swimming pool just for my husband. Right. Just him in the pool. And obviously, Stag do just gone earlier in the year where you all ran up

to Falkirk that was great yeah I mean it was chaos and Phil nearly died nearly lost a leg yeah practically I've

but yeah how was your leg mate sore yeah yeah so you cracked it against the wall and dislocated your kneecap

broke your kneecap against a a like a jagged edge it was a rock piece of the castle like the woman in the

NHS didn't give a fuck when I got there like after you dropped me off I was tripping on tramadol we shouldn't have given you tramadol

before we took you to A&E no no we shouldn't but we did they drove that home really as well we gave them tramadol at midnight and then left them in Scotland with it on.

They actually gave me more. They were more concerned about the drugs I'd taken than the actual knee. Yeah, because this is Scotland. What looks like a drug addict with a bad leg has just been dropped off at A&E. By two scousers. Take care of him, please, love.

Fucked his knee. Anyway, we're off to West Harbour. There's a train spot where he overdoses and they just drag me out. my two scousers see you later lad take care of him please love fuck Disney anyway it was after West Harbour train spotting where he overdoses and they just dragged me out but you went money in the pocket

we said you're quite a self assured person you regressed yeah in that moment you went see you were in total shock

and I got really really aggy with Milo McCabe yeah because like Milo was off his absolute head on pills and everything. And they were all like, right, Phil needs to be taken to Liverpool.

And I was like, right, well, I'm the only one driving to Liverpool right now. And if Phil, if we're going to make it to Liverpool, fine. Phil is more than welcome to come with us. But I think me and Carl are going to end up stopping halfway and staying over in, like, Lancaster or something, which we did end up doing because we just couldn't keep our eyes open. And I was also like, also, if we get halfway home and you start passing out from your knee

and you need to go to hospital, then I've got to leave you in Lancaster and then none of these. So would it not be better for me to take you to the hospital around the corner? And my mum came and was like, he has said he wants to go home. So take him home.

So you're in a bit of shock and you're like, I could do to go. But you've got a pretty bad leg injury. It's not traditional to then do a five-hour drive home, is it? No. But it did seem easier than going to the emergency room in Scotland. But also when you're in shock and there's 19 lads, half of whom are on MDMA, telling you what to do. The only two people who weren't on MDMA were me and Carl.

Yeah. But when I say you regressed, you were sat there like sat there like this is no offense like a little kid going just i felt like a little kid just help just help someone just do something yeah you're like yeah was it hurting at this point oh yeah like i knew as soon as i i was like that no that was just trip and fall and hit the hit you know like you went around the corner and they could see the car and there was the light on in the car but there's no light in the car park and I went naturally to go straight towards the car but I should have walked around the rock

and it was like covered in algae so it was just a step normally it just went straight into the thing and I was like that is the most pain I've ever felt and then just got up and was like put the beer in the car as well You came up to me at the car and then you matter of fact went ah, I've ever felt and then just got up and was like put the beer in the car as well no you came you came up to me at the car

and as a matter of fact went ah I've just fucking destroyed my knee you know and I went oh right are you okay and you went no not at all

and I was like right you see I'm okay and you're like no I'm screaming agony I was like let's get you in Carl it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life

that's literally what he was like and then he sat down and was like so who's going to help and then you take medical advice from a fucking character comedian that's done ketamine in the last 48 hours

I had to apologise to Milo because he was he couldn't see the point I was trying to make like I'm not going to get Phil to Liverpool I'm going to end up dropping him

at a hospital in the Lake District which is the worst possible scenario and he was like but he wants to go home I was like you're not understanding I'm going to end up dropping him at a hospital in the Lake District, which is the worst possible scenario. And he was like, but he wants to go home. I was like, you're not understanding. I'm exhausted now and I'm not going to be. And he's like, you're not listening to Phil.

And I was like, Milo, shut the fuck up. And proper, you know it's very rare for me to lose my rag. But when I do, I can be a bit like, you're all doing me fucking head in, shut up. This is the right thing to do. It very, very rarely happens, and Cosy just couldn't see what I was trying to say, it really, really well.

And then someone went, give him tramadol, and I went, yeah! Me not, I'm like, oh, shit. As a danger, it's a need like medicating, and let's just put, everyone put one drug in this pint glass, mix it up. that was the first i did though the tramadol is once i took that i was like i can never do that tramadol just a painkiller it's like legal heroin in it yeah it's opiates legal heroin yeah it's like pharmaceutical

grade right and it's incredible yeah like i was in the hospital going i should after 14 hours of laura being in labor when they gave her diamorphine it really got interesting pretty quick she was like 20 minutes later no i don't think i'm in labor anymore i was like you are babe definitely on smack you're on chemical grade smack. She was like, it doesn't hurt anymore. My mouth is dry. Amazing. I'm not saying do heroin, but I just,

I watched a woman go from 14 hours of what looked like, well, she was whinging a lot, excruciating pain to golden brown texture like sunshine. She's like, look great. So if tramadol's anywhere near that I think that's probably why they didn't take me

quite so seriously while I was like laughing in her face about what happened my knees she was taking the piss as well though right

she was like on the phone going we've got a fella here's banged his knee and I was like when you say it like that he's had a wee booboo and now he's on smack

he's smacked off his tits He's hurt his fucking leg Two scouses dropped him off And they've drove off in a Range Rover Don't know what to tell you Is that too nice or love-alend? Two night Phil has banged his knee

Adam Doesnae wanna risk A five hour drive my lord that's being annoying then you've got to select your partner and Jamie Hutcher

because he comes and sucks them off for you oh yeah shit speed round Brett Phillips says following Adam's trip to the zoo a while ago

wanted to get a sense of everyone's survival plan Brett wants to get a sense of everyone's survival plan. Brett wants to get a sense of it, guys, so buckle in. You can pick one animal enclosure to protect you at the zoo, but every other animal in the zoo is coming to kill you. What are you picking? No, quantity of animal in the zoo is also a factor. So,

you went to Chester Zoo. Let's say it's Chester Zoo. I went for, yeah, I went to Chester Zoo. Had a nice time? Lovely. If you are to be put in,

now, the animal enclosure you choose, even if they're like carnivorous, eating people, they don't for the game. Oh. So, which enclosure will you choose to defend you? So like, if I chose lion, they don't eat me for. Oh. So, which enclosure

will you choose to defend you? So, like, if I chose lion, they don't eat me for the game? Yeah, they're like, yeah, your sound. You're one of the pack. I will go out and say, although this sort of ruins

the question immediately, I would say death is certain regardless of who you pick. Do you know what I mean? No. Pick a waterborne animal. It's all drown. No.

You can swim. If you pick the penguins... If you pick a penguin... Yeah. You need your head check-in. Just pick the enclosure with water. Right. All the animals are like, fuck that.

Yeah. The lions aren't jumping in and killing you. Well, lions love going for a swim. Off the west coast of South Africa, you come up against a six-foot tuna. No chance, mate. So Adam is in the middle of the penguin enclosure, surrounded by fucking happy feet,

and elephants and lions are coming to kill him. You're like, yeah, well, that's about two feet of water there. No, you picked the deepest water one. Is there any deep water? Kill a whale? I reckon I'm going in the Batcave, you know. Said Robin. All right, Bruce.

I reckon the bat cave's the place to go. Because it's dark, right? And the bats are going to try and protect me, so the lions might be coming. But I don't care who you are and how hard you are. If a bat comes flying around your head, you're uncomfortable. Scouse bat man over here.

Listen, I know here listen I know lions I know lions I saw my first gun at 12 and it wasn't abnormal I saw my first lion at 14 and he had a gun dovecot 2006

unbelievable like a lion's gonna go ah I'm gonna kill that fucker ah if a bat flies past its eyes like that though see

exactly you're a grown man and you shit yourself some pussy ass lion in Chester Zoo that fucker ah bat flies past its eyes like that though see exactly you're a grown man and you see yourself some pussy ass lion in Chester Zoo who's never even seen the streets you held a gun

in the street a Cheshire lion a fucking saffdass fucking lion a Tory lion a wolf lion yeah a wolf lion

monkeys what about them they'd be good they'd swing you up in the trees nothing can get you monkey monkey's ocarina was going to be my first choice and I thought Monkeys What about them? They'd be good They'd swing you up in the trees Nothing can get you Monkey Monkey's orcadel

Was going to be my first choice And I thought about it I think it's bats you know It's dark in there as well You're side in the corner Lad I'm going the elephants Come on

No Because the lions Eat the elephants legs No Lions get confused And they get to don a kebab My fucking It gets confused.

Cause it knows what doner kebabs are. Doner kebab. It's an elephant mate. The amount of elephants that die each year in the wild. Cause some dude from a takeaway is like, oh, you want doner mate? Oh, sorry fucking hell. Sorry mate.

Sorry mate, elephant leg innit. I don't know what I'm doing here. I work in Abdul's. Should probably stop now. Sorry, mate. Elephant leg, innit? I don't know why I'm doing it. I work in Abdul's. I should probably stop now. Oh, fucking hell. I think elephants is a bad shot. Because you can chop them down to legs so easy.

Who? Lions. Lions can chop down a herd of elephants. Lions eat elephants for breakfast, don't they? Oh, yeah. Every morning. No. Yes, they do.

No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't. The eagles would get you. Fire podcasting. Yes yes they do no they don't yes they do no they don't the eagles that get you fire podcasting yes they do no they don't they do not animate it they do they do do that they don't they don't right lions these elephants phil back me up here in the serengeti right they they may you're asking take down an old not a sudden old an old An old Elephant I'm talking a young fit Herd of elephants A fucking lion turning up

Stomp them motherfuckers There's more lions than elephants in the zoo There's a few elephants in Chester Zoo There's also monkeys and all that coming for you While they're trying to stomp a fucking lion out, there's a monkey there fucking yanking on its tail. What about the eagles, Dan?

What about the eagles in the air? Yeah, blocking its eyes out. No matter which animal we pick here, by the way, we're absolutely fucking telling you that fact. Don't leave it in the water. Yeah, yeah. But it would be more funny if you died surrounded by penguins. I reckon that would definitely...

So what animal are you picking? The penguins? I'm picking the waterborne ones. The penguins. Are they the only waterborne zoo animals? Pretty much. Carl, have you never been to a zoo? And the elephant will then get in the water?

And how slow is the elephant going to be in the water? Elephants can swim. So can I. Elephants can swim. So can I. I know that. Not quicker than me. They haven't got knees.

I think we should set up an elephant race. Swimming. What? Say that again. Elephants haven't got knees. What? Is it just me

or has he been on mental form today? Google off. Is the television on? No. Let's turn the television on. They have got knees. Elephants

don't have knees. Carl, have you ever been to a zoo in your life? Have you ever seen an elephant? They have got knees. Elephants don't have knees. Carl, that is... Have you ever been to a zoo in your life? Have you ever seen an elephant? Oh, they have not knees. Hang on. Ruby, Ruby, Roo! Elephants in animals have four...

I can't! Oh, I'm gone. Wait! Let me read that sentence! No, sorry. Elephants are the only other animals to have knees. I've got it mixed up. No.

Dogs haven't got knees. Yes, they have. Read it. Elephants are the only other animals to have knees i've got it mixed up no dogs haven't got knees yes they have really elephants are the only animal to have four forward facing knees all other four-legged animals have at least one pair of legs with their knees the face backwards does that mean there's a knee factor elephants in my head the leg goes back I knew there was a knee fact with elephants in my head. The leg goes back. So every other animal has legs like that and legs like that. Horses. Horses.

I'm not even joking. Horses. Horses what? Have backward facing knees on the back. Yeah. And dogs. Horses' legs face the other way. And dogs do too. Do you think dogs' legs all face the same way?

Think about it. Think about it. We're thinking of the Boston Dynamics robot. Look at his head. Can you just Google? Dogs. Yeah. Dog knee.

Dog legs. Dog legs. There you go. They face the other way. Get that picture up. The front one's face backwards. Yeah. Dogs' legs face.

Look. Oh. My. the other way get that picture up the front one's face backwards yeah dog's legs face look oh my good god i knew there was a knee factor with elephants i thought they didn't have any but they've only got four facing ones sorry i've got an elephant factor do you know what it's so fun when we elephants don't have knees oh sorry they have four oh they've got loads of knees. I knew there was an elephant knee fact. Does that change the hiding with the elephants though? Now you know about the knee sitch. I think Adam's got a point.

You probably thought, but I'm just going for this. I'm going off Chester Zoo because quantity is a fact. There's quite a lot of elephants. They're massive and they can stomp things. You can't stomp monkeys in the trees where else you go I'm just saying

I'm just saying that none of it's a great bet I think my elephants are my best shot I'd hide with the mice because the mice would scare the elephants

I love the mice in the zoo yeah the mice in the zoo the famous chest of mice yeah bike and mice fucking discount

bit of the fucking zoo I mean my can see the mice I've been to a zoo in Middlesbrough Where there was mice Oh no The ketchup film The tea side zoo I think you

Yeah Mice Hamsters Chables Here's a dog with no knees He's got no legs Or a stummy I think you need to be out the way

Either in the water Or in the trees So monkeys or penguins I'm sticking with bats But I'm telling you right now We're fuckingumpy I think you need to be out the way Either in the water Or in the trees So monkeys or penguins I'm sticking with bats But I'm telling you right now We'll fuck no matter what happens Speed round Speed round

Scott Harkup says Lids to Scotty Scotty Scott O Harkup Harkers Never heard of this cunt

I don't know who he is Oh my god They've mentioned me on Spotify Oh Backers. Never heard of this cunt. I don't know who he is. Roughen it. Oh my God, they've mentioned me on Spotify. Two questions. If Have a Word was to be offered to do CBeebies Bedtime Story, would you do it?

And follow-up question, who would be best at it? We'd do it once. Keep it up, Luke. I would like to nominate myself. We'd once and then go to jail as long as you can do it you can do it so we're doing a cbb's bedtime story you've got to nominate if it is okay to read the story to read the story i see i reckon finna be quite good at reading we don. We don't give him a mic for a reason. Finn can read, though.

You're right. He can only read well because he's got a soft voice. But then if you've got to go with one of you threes. Probably Adam, innit? Adam. Adam can read it as long as we get to choose the accent. And I get to choose the content. So you get to choose stories.

So what story would you like Adam to read? The time-travelling lesbian. The time-travelling lesbian. That famous children's famous children's bedtime story it will be when we tell it i'm sick of her asking for it i'm like come on so we've got the time travel something else babe she's like no daddy she claps her vagina what did you say she claps her vagina three times Heads off into the past

There's no place like Home for And once And what accent What accent do you want? You can riff the time travelling lesbian Yes Great

French French No You don't get to to okay you've picked the content he's too i really love whenever you do you're slightly offended gay german this program started it's like okay i'll do the narration. Okay, now it's time for the bedtime story on CBeebies, read out by comedian and podcaster and international gigolo, Adam Rowe. Okay, ladies and gentlemen and the babies.

I'm honestly, if you're the producer, you just realise you're the producer You just realise You're losing your job Ladies and gentlemen It's a bad bus Okay What's the name of the book? This week's story

Is called The Time Travelling Lensburn By Quentin Bleck Lensburn She's doing her best She's doing it He's an illustrator He's an illustrator He's an illustrator

He's branching out into writing his own books now Because Roald Dahl is dead Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was shit Time travelling lesbians Time travelling lesbians There was once a time travelling lesbian Straight on the funny They don't fuck around time travelling lesbians Iron lesbian. Straight on the funny. They don't fuck around

time-travelling lesbians. Ironically, they're on the clock. On the clock. Hey. I said there was once a time-travelling lesbian, but due to her

time-travelling abilities, there was always a time-travelling lesbian. She could travel to any period of time apart from 1936 to 1945 because that period of time apart from 1936 to 1945 because that period of time we don't like to talk about.

She's a Holocaust denying lesbian. The lesbian was also a Jew because we like them. I was a bit worried this story was going to be contentious. Is that in the story or is she like fluffing on the outside? Is that written down? I'm reading from the pages. We like them. That's in the story.

She has been given some artistic license. I think this is going to affect Quentin Blake's reputation. I get a problem with lesbian tattoos. The lesbian wanted some ice cream. So she was... So she time-travelled. She time-travelled to the summertime, where it was more... She could have gone to co-op,

but she's a pretty stupid Jewish lesbian time-traveller. She didn't want people to be looking at her thinking, why is that time-travelling lesbian having the ice cream in the winter it's too cold so she moved to july where everybody was having ice cream apart from one lonely little boy she goes up to the boy and says would you like to have some ice cream too i will buy you one and he says are you flirting with me? She says, no, for I am a time traveling lesbian. I've got no interest in your cock. I like to pussy. She's not the pedophile.

She is also only 12 years old, but she already knows so much about who she is as a woman. She knows her love language. Could you imagine if you gave someone a fucking time machine And you went When do you want to go to And they're like

July Because I don't want to look Like a trotty did ice cream I mean I am a 12 year old lesbian But I don't want to be Persecuted anymore The little boy He accepted her invitation

Turns out he was an orphan And they become best friends And she shared his time time she shared her time traveling abilities with the little boy his name was joshua joshua and the time traveling lesbian who's yet to be given a name let's call her julie julie and joshua became best friends and they travel all around the time eating whatever they want in appropriate seasons the end of episode one yeah let's hope episode two is going back to when Joshua lost his parents. Joshua's constantly,

maybe that's the running bit with the time-travelling lesbian. Can we go and save my parents now? No! I want ice cream in every possible season. Did she use the model to kids' stories to teach them a lesson?

Shouldn't it be more of a serial as well? So it would be like the time-travelling lesbian and... The lesson in that is that boys and girls can be friends without the underlying pressure to fuck. Even if one's a 12-year-old lesbian. Yeah.

I mean, you've really got to read between the lines on, you know, some of the Jewish ice cream eating and time-travelling books. I think they'd shy away from the Jewish references. Yeah, why is she Jewish for no reason? Just so that the German looks okay with her because, you know, they've got history. Julia, the Jewish time-travelling lesbian.

And Joshua, the orphan. Ladies and gents, I'm telling you right now, that's the end of the speed round. Come on, Phil Chapman, ladies and gents. Phil Chapman, who just by close proximity helped create the time-travelling lesbian

that I won't forget for a long time. Where can we... That's getting animated. I want to see an animation of that. Wow. Where can we find you, Phil? You can find me

on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook at IamPhilChapman and I've got a work in progress gone on sale for March the 8th in Hot Water.

Great. Phil's absolutely brilliant, and his online stuff is superb. Go and follow him on socials. I put some work in progress shows on sale last week, Adam Rowe and Friends. The tickets are listed on adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows. Most of them sold out pretty much straight away, so I added some standing tickets for Liverpool. There's not many of them left either, and both of the London dates of them sold out pretty much straight away so I added some standing tickets for Liverpool.

There's not many of them left either and both of the London dates are already sold out. People have asked me to bring this idea to Birmingham and Newcastle

and Manchester and stuff. I might do but I don't really like travelling to do new stuff. I like just doing it where I can walk it from my house. The two London dates

are because I'm going to be in London for other stuff anyway hence putting them in. So I might do but you might just have to wait until I'm on tour next year or for other stuff anyway, hence putting them in. So I might do, but you might just have to wait until I'm on tour next year or at a comedy club near you or whatever because... Yeah, people have asked that with my previews. They're like, are you not coming down south?

You're like, no, it's the... The previews are... Work in progress and previews are going to be near where you live, aren't they? Yeah. And then next year... You don't want to travel all the ways of Birmingham to find out that new idea.

Shit. We're not adding any new towns or cities to my tour. So if you're in Bristol and you're asking, I know you've asked before, but Cardiff is your closest bet. Appreciate you, Phil. Thanks so much. Julia.

That was so good. Finlay, don't have any music for all of the people that listen to us. The Christians, the Hindus and the Jews all welcome to listen to this. As long as it's on audio we don't want to try to go job as this week we've got um should we do it no okay i told you he was gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah i can told you finley cool but love no keep doing it you're making me

all right okay this week is the person wants respect all right they won't all right fine fine uh this week uh the The person that sent a song in Is John Who is the sound tech And engineer at Hot Water I know John Riley Yeah everyone

Everyone I've seen his band videos On there online So yeah his band Are called The Glass Guys And the tune they've sent in Is called Sirens So go and check that out

Wherever you get your music I feel the same for Lucia So go and check that out wherever you get your music. Auf Wiedersehen, Fallujah. Hey you Why you been drinking? Why were you thinking When you left without a warning? Cause I've seen All the things that you want

but he can't give you that on his own so what you gonna do about it don't run away cause running doesn't fix it So when you cry all night at the ceiling

Just think, it isn't the end Close your eyes and think it over Cause it's your own time to lose you over Only you can lead a sorrow So won't to change your mind She said she doesn't normally do this But she can help herself from being this way And we won't stop until we're there in this way And he

won't stop him until you're there But what he doesn't realize is you're doing it anyway Close your eyes you're thinking over

Cause it's your hometown that puts you over Only you can hear the siren So won't you change your mind? I've got nothing better But I want nothing to do with it You've been acting clever Rushing out like a world on fire Only you can hear this siren

So won't you change your mind Only you can hear the siren guitar solo Close your eyes and think it over Cause it's your heart that throws you over Only you can hear the sound So I want you you change your mind