Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #186 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. All right, darling. How are you, love? Oh, I'm all right, darling. How are you, love?

Oh, I'm all right, Dave. Thanks for asking. I'm all right. How are you doing? I'm doing well, you know. Oh, you look really fucking well. Do you know that? Thank you very much. I've been working out,

been trying to eat a bit better, trying to have my 20 pints of Guinness a week. 20 what, love? 28 pints of Guinness a week. 20 pints of Guinness. I've been drinking a fair bit lately, so I've been just notness a week? Twenty-eight pies of Guinness. I've been drinking a fair bit lately, so I've been just not eating

on the side of it just off set of tips. Hang on, babes. Do the voice or don't do it at all. You've been drinking fat in turps? Ooh.

Well, I'm glad we stopped you for that. What was that there, babes? Fat in turps. Fat in turps. He's been drinking booners, mate. I've been on the Guinness flavoured booners for months.

Oh, he loves the Guinness booner. What are you looking at, boy? My angle looks odd. Oh, you fucked up your fucking angle, you naughty little sausage. We're talking about booners. So what are you doing? Workout and booners. Nothing else.

I just decided I like a beer. Do you know what I mean? So if I'm going to drink beer, I need to be in the gym and just try and eat as little as possible. I mean, it sounds like alcoholism. It does. I don't need food.

But everyone keeps telling me how well I look. So, you know, I just got to keep going. Whoa! Keep going! Just keep fucking going. Just keep it going. It was flipped Flip that's why You're so healthy

You've just changed fucking continent I just I just I really enjoy myself You know I just get to know myself Getting addicted to the feeling Of being in the gym

You become more German As the sentence goes on It's like world travel You didn't get addicted To one coffee accent Oh Mary Poppins Bloody hell Bloody hell I'm feeling good you know I'm feeling positive Oh, Mary Poppins.

Bloody hell. Oh, bloody hell. I'm feeling good, you know. I'm feeling positive. Yeah, well, you look fucking sweet, mate. Thank you, mate. Sweet. Yeah. The old booners and workout,

you are eating some food sometimes, aren't you? Occasionally, I have a little nibble. Yeah, so when people... A little nibble. An hors d'oeuvre. Because, I when people... A little nibble. An old dove. Because, I mean, I suppose,

you know, if you're just going to booze, that's just bad, isn't it? Yeah. Booze and workout, it's half good. I think it's double good

because I'm having fun and I'm getting healthy. Yeah. Or just balancing out. What more do you want from your life than fun and health? Yeah,

that's what a lot of people live for, isn't it? Fun and health. That old mantra. I believe in two things, darling. Fun and health. Don't go near hospitals.

Right, well, that's all good, mate. All good. Good for you. It's good feeling yourself getting stronger You know what I mean The pints Everyone in your gym Thinks you're dead gay Look at him

Working out Going up Going up a weight Today On every machine Can't really do much With me knee Me knee

Is absolutely Gary horse house I'm not going to lie to you What I know what he means What is it happen to do much with my knee. My knee is absolutely Gary Horse House. I'm not going to lie to you. What? I know what he means. I know you know what he means. And I've got an inkling. No, you haven't. Gary Horse House. Yeah.

Talk me through it. It's just fucked, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to explain what Gary Horse House is? What is it? I always forget what the... What's the, like... The... What's it called? Epidemiology.

What's it about? Etymology. What's epidemiology? It's not something to do with your skin. Yeah. How's your skin? The etymology. The etymology.

I want to know what... Of Gadioss House. Yeah. You can say it. Go on. The etymology The etymology I want to know what Of Gary Horsehouse Yeah You can say it Go on So I used to work With a guy It's nothing to do with him

Literally nothing to do with him He's dead sound Really lovely guy actually Shout out Gary Horsehouse Well no I used to work With a guy called Gary Stables

I think he's a doorman now I think he is a doorman now I think he is a doorman now yeah lovely guy so me and Carl I don't even know if he knows this just started calling him

Gary Horsehouse and then we started using it as a an adjective it was any to money yeah like fucking hell it's Gary Horsehouse

I was there which means it could be raining or something I don't know how you ever get the information that you need across to each other it's like it's telepathy.

If he texts me and goes, I'm fucking Gary Horsehouse, yeah, he's in a bad way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All he could say, let's go and get Gary Horsehouse, which means I'm going to have a good time. Did he accept his nickname? He doesn't know about it.

He will now. Did you get it? Shout out Gary Stables. Stables where horses live? Yeah. Oh, making sure you got it. I'm not fucking... At the start it I'm not fucking at the start I'm not fully Gary Horsehouse

yet mate we used to call him Tabla Horsehouse but that got a bit you know yeah that was about too contrived Gary's a tablet

alright okay it's one of the other forgot about that actually yeah it's a blast from the past mate what did you do with your knee to get it Gary Horsehouse

I went sandboarding in the desert. Oh, of course, yeah. Classic Dovecot lad injury. Yeah, I was a bit too pissed, I think, to be doing that. Come off, twisted a bit, thought, that's sound. It'll be all right, despite the fact, you know, I was in agony. And then it sort of was all right, and I've come back.

I went to... Oh, oh, that is agony. That'll be sound. Yeah, well, that's just who I am as a person, do you know what I mean?... Oh, oh, that is agony. That'll be sad. Yeah, well, that's just who I am as a person. Do you know what I mean? You're fucking nails, mate. And then... I think that's because you live in, you know, health and happiness.

Do you know what I mean? Sorry, fun and health. Fun and health. Get it right. How do you even two tellies, then? Agony doesn't even come into fun and health. Ah, that really hurts. Fuck it.

Then I went to Edinburgh at the weekend and walking up, like, everything's up here in Edinburgh, innit? And that was it. I mean, hey. And then we went and played at the weekend and walking up like everything's up here in Edinburgh innit and that was it and then we went and played footy so obviously we filmed our latest special

which we're not going to talk about too much because it's all a surprise the latest special is going to be called Finding Chris in Monte Carlo a tribute to Darius Dinesh all of which will become clear and that obviously

Just say it again just so people know what's coming Finding Chris in Monte Carlo a tribute to Darius Dinesh. Yeah. And obviously that started with us playing football challenges. Try and guess what happened there.

Oh, I'm so sore. So I knew, I knew my knee was going to be fucked from the footy. So I took two codeine and two ibuprofen before I left the flat. Ibuprofen. What? Yeah. You had two codeine before we played football? Yeah. Just to stave off the flat. I'd be up for it. What? Yeah. You had two codeine before we played football.

Yeah. Just a stave off the knee. And then bring on what? The tremors. Oh, codeine's fine. I'm like a big wolf. Tablets don't really affect me. I always say that.

Where's the wolf? The amount of times The amount of times I went clubbing with wolves And I was like Mate have you had Are you coming up off that pill And they were like

Woo Yeah I was like Oh there's no effect I was like Dan I'm a wolf Tablets don't nothing for me Big line of bait though

Wolves are very famous Oh wolves are right on it Yeah Sean Ryder Ca himself a wolf. Well, I'm feeling proper Gary Horsehouse from the fucking football challenge. I'm so achy. I thought I'd caught Rill.

I just feel fucking horrible. I am sore because it's repetitive stuff. I play footy, but not for six hours. See, I think I've done all right. My knee is not great, but everything else I've been fine. I'm sore because it's repetitive stuff that you don't I play footy but not for six hours like we did I think I've done alright my knee is not great but everything else

I've been fine and I think that's just because like because I've been in the gym so much I'm probably the fittest person here yeah I mean

I need that two codeine so I couldn't feel anything no but like even last yesterday and today I feel fine also you're like a wolf so there's like

just been running around at night. Everyone around the Albert Doggo. What the fuck is that? Fathom's flat. I don't do the noise, I just give off an aura. You had two codeine recently. I've had a lot of codeine. Oh, here we go.

I woke up and had a four-shot coffee before the gym. Oh, mate. I had the gym this morning. Ecorigins. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Woke up and had a four-shot coffee before the gym. Oh, mate. I've had some sneak origins. Use code WARD10. There you go. Done. Ticked off. Get up, he's tea.

You can have four coffees, but you'll go absolutely insane and think you're a wolf. I don't think I'm a wolf. It's just chopping cake. I give off the vibe of one. Yeah. What's a female wolf? What? Isn't this a wolf. Just try a snake. I give off the vibe of one. Yeah. What's a female wolf? What?

Isn't this a wolf? A sexy bitch. It's kind of right. It's kind of right. A sexy bitch. Well, a female dog is a bitch, isn't it? Oh, yeah. A wolf's odd, you know.

Female wolf. It's called a she-wolf, of course. Oh, a she-wolf. Right. Like a she-hulk. It's called a she-wolf, of course. Oh, a she-wolf. Right. Like a she-hulk. Like a she-wee. It's, well, it's,

non-binary wolves are called a they-wolf. A they-wolf. They-wolf. That's a German non-binary. They-wolf. Have you got something to announce?

I've got something to announce. There's something on the table there that looks like you've been trying to tell the world something's happened. You met someone? The coffee cup. Have you got something to announce? I've got something to announce? There's something on the table there that looks like you've been trying to tell the world something's happened. Have you met?

The coffee cup? Have you changed from Costa to Starbucks? I've never liked Costa. I've always been a Starbucks man. Don't know what you're talking about. Thought we were going to talk about she-wolves there. So last week when I went to the gym, I was a pathetic excuse of a man.

Now you're a wolf? Don't. What's that? Do that again? No, no, no, no. Excuse of a man. Are you a wolf? No. Do that again. No, no, no, no. Excuse of a man. No, no, no, no, no. Tense of two. No, no, no, no, no.

What was I saying? No, no, no, no. Don't ever give me the full fucking wolf finger. Pathetic excuse of a man. You're not even remotely wolf-like, Dan. Point somewhere else. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. I was less of a wolf and more of a newt last week. Do you know what I mean you're not even like You're not even remotely wolf like Dan Point somewhere else Oh no no no Oh no no

I was less of a wolf And more of a newt last week Do you know what I mean Yeah I couldn't do anything Right I'm going two weeks in the gym I'm going from a newt to a wolf

No I've always been a wolf I just had a very newt like session Yeah Like I struggled And And he reckoned Is anyone else worried about him I mean we'll let it go Because it's funny I struggled. And he reckoned me.

Is anyone else worried about him? I mean, we'll let it go because it's funny, but I'm starting to worry. My trainer was like, what time did you get up? And my session was at nine o'clock. I got up at five to nine. And he was like, you like that, he was like, that's too small of a gap between waking up and starting a gym session.

He's like, you need to get up an hour before and have some coffee. Yeah, it is. Can I i just because not a lot of people live where the gym is you fucking high-rise tory what what that you literally five minutes to nine and you can just get the lift down to the gym in your building yeah right yeah so it's not normal is it no but i didn't know it was still got fucking sleep in your eye and you're like oh but i thought like getting as much sleep as possible would be better but he said no you want to get up an hour before get some water in you and some caffeine so i got up this morning went down to the coffee machine and got a four a four espresso coffee and i felt good and i just smashed through the gym even with my bad knee flew through the gym and on the way here i got another

four espresso coffee so i've had eight espressos today and I'm ready to party. Your heart rate's a bit... What the fuck? Have you ever tried pre-workout? No. No. You could use...

I don't want any of that newfangled shite. Do you know what I mean? Use code WORD10. Old school. Coffee. I just coffee and water. Classic wolf. I've been trying to drink a lot more water as well i'm feeling hydrated lately i've just i'm just you know things are ticking

are the books coming along are them books coming along i tell you what i'm getting really close to starting chapter seven oh what's what's the problem end of chapter six i've got to do chapter six before chapter seven yeah I'm fucking once I get anywhere near chapter six and then when he's finished

chapter five he can start thinking about doing that I have finished chapter five you have? yeah I've just taken my time with it

do you know what I mean I don't want to put too much pressure on it yeah like I'm enjoying reading at my own pace which is roughly a chapter a month

yeah like a child but I do it in one go I do a chapter and then I give is roughly a chapter a month. Like a child. But I do it in one go. I do a chapter and then I give myself a break for a month. I'm not like reading a page a day.

I'm just like, right, that's my chapter for a month done. I've learned something there. It's a good book. This is for Coffee Row, isn't it?

This is absolute. Eight? We could do a little montage of for Coffee Row. This is a very, he comes in, he's like, just, oh shit. Fucking feel, oh God, yes! I could do a little montage of four coffee roll. This is a very... He comes in, he's like...

Just... Oh, shit. Fucking feel... Oh, God. Yes! I just feel good. I'm feeling energised. I'm feeling happy with me life.

Me life's just going well at the minute. Things are good. Just don't have a... Things are really, really good. Just don't have a panic attack. Life is flying. I'm not going to have a panic attack. What have I got to panic about?

I could have a joy attack. Less famous band from the 70s and 80s Isn't it Joy attack Oh it's Joy Division Oh right okay Yeah I just

I don't know A massive attack We're 90s Every now and then I'm just getting messages On Instagram It's radiating off you How happy you are

At the minute And do you know what I see what people are saying Do you just want to have a wank now Or Just get it out I don't want to have a wank now? Just get it out I don't feel the need to wank at the moment No do not

No That'd be too much I think actually Is that non-wolf behaviour wanking? Yeah Wolves abstain Do they? Yeah Like incel wolves

That's for their god isn't it? The wolf god Yeah Cool I mean he's on mental form And he made more sense than you The wolf god. Yeah. Cool. I mean, he's on mental form and he made more sense than you. Oh, my God. Good luck.

Good luck abstaining. Well, it's great to hear, my friend. It's great to hear. I mean, what's the ultimate goal here? I mean, fitness-wise, if you really get, you know, say you start feeling good, you're feeling healthy and you're having fun, but where are you taking it? Have you set a stand? Like, are we going to go marathon?

Are we going to go Ironman? I don't even know what that is, by the way. I'm just saying it. I am thinking of running a half marathon in Liverpool. Just a half? Yeah, just for now. Just a half? Just see how I get on.

With other people or just a half? You know, like one? No, the Liverpool half marathon. The Liverpool. Yeah, I'm thinking about doing that. You're not just going to have six coffees and go jogging. No. It's a different fucking kettle of fish, isn't it?

I really would like to do a half marathon at some point, but I feel like I am going to build up to that. I read books. I think it's going to take a while for me. Oh, you just do a mile a month. That's good. Just over a year. That's great.

Yeah, I just want to feel better in myself I think you do but even better that's coming across yeah I just want to be healthier

I want to be able to sort of once or twice a week just pig out and eat and have a few fucking boners and not worry about the effect that's having on me life

yeah yeah what is an Ironman you add it up I'm intrigued it is a 2.4 mile swim which is so long 112 mile bicycle ride and a 26 mile run so a marathon at the end of that i can't be arsed with that iron man triathlon is one of a series of long distance triathlon races organized

by the world that would take too much commitment for me what i'm trying to do is get in such good shape that when i get tagged in a photo i don't worry about it yes you get 17 hours to complete it yeah you've got to do it in 17 hours what's a waste of a day i don't even i can't even waste 3.8 kilometers swim i mean the last time i went for a long swim i think it was for my 400 me no 800 meter swimming badge that was probably 19 it was for my 400 meter no 800 meter swimming badge that was probably 1988 yeah yeah i don't think you're allowed to do swimming badges at 41 kellogg's you will be allowed to there's not like ageism is a popular thing they wouldn't like buy you from it yeah i think i think it might be the worries about political correctness around ageism if you turn up to a kid's swimming gala and go i want to do the 800 meter swimming badge as well just don't say it like that right okay around ageism. If you turn up to a kid's swimming gala and go,

I want to do the 800 metre swimming badge as well. Just don't say it like that. Right, okay. I want to do it as well. There you go. You go, hey mate, can I have a go? Because I haven't got this and I'm feeling embarrassed. If you go, I die, die, die, die,

then you won't be able to get in the water. Excuse me, mate. I know I'm 41, but I'd like an 800 metre swim. You're not getting in. Stop doing weird voices, innit? I want to be a wolf. All right. I will leave the swimming pool. 3,860 metres.

That's the... That's bollocks. It's just a waste. 112 miles. That's just stupid. And that's before the 112 mile bike ride. Before the marathon. Good God.

Yeah. I don't think I'd get through a full marathon without needing a poo. You can't. I'd go full on Paula Radcliffe. Yeah, but yours wouldn't be as, I don't know, subtle as theirs. You'd just be shitting all over the road. Can I just say, listen, I'm not having a go at Paula Radcliffe, but it wasn't a subtle shit, was it?

She went on the pavement where she was meant to be running on the road. She squatted, pulled the old kegs to the side and shat on the pavement, didn't she? Yeah. Wasn't that the famous, it's not a subtle shit. No, but I mean- Pula Radcliffe. Yeah, that was the headlines.

I don't know if you remember. Guy Lineker pooed on the footy pitch as well. What? Lineker pooed on the footy pitch. World Cup 90? Trying to put them off? Did you say Euro 90? You young piece of shit.

Do you not know that? Do you not know that? I've never... I didn't know that he pooed on the pitch. Yeah, it was in an international game. He pooed on... He was about to take a penalty. He stared the keeper dead in the eyes.

He forced the shit out and was like... On top of the ball. I'm a maverick. You don't know where I'm going if you poo on the ball do you reckon you get a yellow card just as you lighting up

yellow shits and wipes his arse on the pitch against Ireland as well just mute it what a case oh my god just

Ironside FC copywriters this is it yeah watch he's oh World Cup 1990 what a fucking World Cup.

Do you feel like he's done a poo and he's wiping his arse on the pitch? I've pooed. I've pooed. Looking up at Mark Wright. I've pooed. Why is he wiping his arse like a dog on the carpet? I should have just stabbed him in his arm.

Oh, no. Number 10, Lineker. Just shat. The Irish lad's like, you dirty fecker. Yeah, if you look on all his tweets, loads of replies, I shat on the pitch. What a great comeback for a fucking phenomenal career. What did you say?

Something about the team I like and you've said something negative. Well, you shat on the pitch. So, would you shit on all sections? If Adam pooed in a marathon it would be like the fucking Boston bomber it would be the end of the marathon it would be dealt with like a fucking chemical attack

basically like it must be Al Qaeda he looks pretty Iranian I'm a wolf lad I'm a wolf I'm 26 fucking espresso. Would you poo in the pool? Would you poo in all areas of the site? No, I'm not going to poo anywhere, actually.

I just think 27 miles is a long time to go without a shade. You are a... If you start doing long distance running from someone who I did a bit, then stopped and then had kids and then this happened. But I used to have an energy drink before I set off and then if you run for long enough and you've got that caffeine in your system,

I've had to plop in several pretty fucking dodgy places. Because you're miles away from home. I'm too competitive to start it properly, doing long distance running. I'll be just fucking jealous of the Kenyans. I'll be threatening them and everything. Oh, you fucking dare beat me. The way he makes it out is like,

as soon as you start training for long distance running, you're like, just come down the elevator, out onto the Albert dock, you're like, right, I'm going to try and do five miles. Oh, there's a fucking Kenyan. Every time I go for a long run, there's a fucking Kenyan. They're notoriously good at it, aren't they?

And I'd just be jealous of them. I'd want to win. I'm not doing the London Marathon unless I'm in with a chance of winning. You could be one of them lunatics that goes, oh, you could just try and blag in. Because at the London Marathon, they let the first group go first, don't they? Yeah. Which is unfair, Adam, I think, if you're doing it.

Let the first group go first. Yeah, definitely. You get in there. Lad, I am Kenyan. I am. I identify as Kenyan. Fuck off. You get in the first group.

Oh, it'd be so good to see you just fucking run as fast as you can with some fucking Kip Tanui lookalike. Just try and win the first 100 metres. Celebrate that you've won the race. All the Kenyans will be angry. You're like, ah, you little maggot. I'm actually into that idea. Just do 100 metre sprints against them. Just be like your daftot I'm actually into that idea just do a 100 metre sprint

against them like you daft swatch you didn't even know what the fucking game was did you yeah enjoy your 26 miles I've already won a race and I'm going for my

fucking first lager this is a sprint not a marathon I mean it literally is the London Marathon but in his head it's a yeah

yeah yeah it's a Kenyan marathon and we'll run out with a thing 100 metres I'd be like Finn go quickly with like a fucking ribbon

and he still loses I'd be like I'm third no I'd smoke them over 100 metres when they're trying to conserve their energy I'd make every Kenyan

look like a twat yeah I think a Kenyan a world class marathon running Kenyan trying to conserve his energy might be faster than you

over 100 metres absolutely no chance whatsoever right I'm quicker than a loacher you've got to remember that yeah he's like Asif Apal do you know what I think

I'm sick of thinking it I'm honestly I'm always thinking Asif Apal he taught Asif Apal everything he knows about maths but then he used it for the running yeah Asif Apal. He taught Asif Apal everything he knows. About maths.

But then he used it for the running. I think they'd suspect that something was going on though when Will Hutchby was there with the camera. You're in there with your 1993. I don't think they'd even clock it

because there's loads of cameras and everything anyway because they televise it. Robbie Fowler home kit. We should do that, you know. What? I'm not going to use the word hijack because that's the wrong word

do something with a major world event a prank like a street there was that guy that used to get in pictures wasn't it like I remember

seeing him at he got in the 2005 Champions League final Liverpool team picture didn't he he warmed up with Roger Federer on centre court

just basically wore the right kit and got good at sneaking on at the right time. It's someone I know who's a friend's father. And he warmed up with Federer on centre court, got in that picture. He's done so much shit. Like, just at the right time, go on the pitch.

I remember Gary Neville. There's a video of Gary Neville going, who the fuck is that guy? Because he's there. He's got the wrong socks on, hasn't he? Yeah. It looks amazing. I think he's like

umbro sharp man united Fabian Barthez is in goal next to him all you have to do is act like you belong there yeah you're like

someone's like hang on a sec wait there wearing a high vis if you wear a high vis anything you can get into almost any room

you could get into like watch Osama Bin Laden be assassinated sat next to barack obama if you just put an orange vest on you who's he i mean they are pretty good at the security of stuff but there is a way of if you look if you look slightly official or if you're wearing the right kit and you just walk on with authority yeah just Just make your own badge. It doesn't even have to have the right logo on.

Just your face and your name. You're like, go on, lad. Imagine if... I've seen a video of Obama like this. He's watching the telly of it and he's in the corner of his phone. Orange vest on.

Do you know what I... I did... I'll see it on YouTube in a bit, lad. ESPN did a feature on me years ago. Oh, yeah, the NFL thing. The NFL thing. And I can prove your argument by saying, if you look like a daft cunt fan,

then you're not even allowed places that you're actually allowed. We had the official pass to be on the sideline. And because the guy who was leading me around, who's like a sort of, what do they call it when you're a self-employed journalist? Freelance. A freelance journalist. Ollie was like, right, I've got you the official.

You're allowed on the sideline. The whole thing is we're working with ESPN, Monday morning quarterback, and we're doing a day in the life of an NFL fan going down to the London matches. He did a really nice job, got us the, because I'd done fancy dress,

which I'd done for the last like four games before that where I wear a blonde wig, an American flag and my NFL stuff. I looked special. We genuinely weren't allowed where we were meant to be because the opposite of what you were saying, if you look official and you walk on with authority, we had passes to be on the sideline and the guys were like yeah you look like a twat and you're not coming anywhere near this it's we had to sneak

around the back so total opposite of like walking on with authority i was wearing a blonde wig sunglasses my nfl fucking kit. And we genuinely got barred from going on the sideline. Where would you like, if you could do that and know you'd get away with it, what would you do? Like,

when that guy gets a picture with the Champions League, what would you do? I mean, it's something like that, isn't it? Like, a Champions League final

still there with the Liverpool squad. Super Bowl, get actually on the podium like Kevin Hart couldn't when the Eagles won the Super Bowl. He tried to blag his way onto the fucking stand where it's basically not even the whole team are allowed on. It's the owner, the quarterback, maybe a star player,

and the head coach. And Kevin Hart tried to... Famous Philadelphia Eagles fan, and he was a bit pissed and he tried to blag his way all the way up until the like boss bouncer was like no no kev that's the end of the line he's like no man i'm kevin hart and obviously kevin hart is super famous very charming he's fucking little guy but he's a big character and the guy was like no I'm the big boss security guy you are not getting

on this fucking stage and it was just great watching him it would be amazing if you could blag it onto there with the owner of a fucking NFL franchise

the star quarterback the head coach and then Dan Knight and go like alright wearing a blonde wig getting like fourth go

of lifting the Champions League trophy for Liverpool oh so Henderson does the he passes it to Milner he passes it to

Van Dijk Van Dijk passes it to Klopp Klopp passes it to me and I'm like nice one you hear glad right

you're singing the players names and Klopp's that daft that he's like oh okay I'll pass that on there's that fucking lad driving the car

and the axer I watched that again the other day it's very funny it's so like it's funnier than I thought it was the first

time I watched it it's so stupid it was really good I didn't know you could act that well I've no it's no it's

not that I'm trying to disparage you I've just not seen you do acting like that I didn't take offence to that at all what I was about to say to you is as I mean this is a bit of boring industry stuff for Alistair my current manager is soon to leave

his position and I'm looking for new representation and the people I've been speaking to I've been telling them I'd like to do some acting especially some serious roles. What are you on about? Honestly, when you said you felt like a wolf, I will roll with that all day. If you end up on an ITV drama, fuck'm thinking hollywood cool shit sorry yeah that's

better isn't it shit's better casualty what was i thinking itv drama no casualty there's no money in casualty just go straight to hollywood that's how it works if you want to be an actor why would you think anything short of hollywood but i actually think I could be a brilliant actor. Because you've done one acts of spoof advert. No, that was just like fun. Oh, yeah. But like, I feel like I could be quite a good actor if I put me in. Can we give you some roles?

Sure. Because you've got to have range, haven't you? I do this with Etta. We do, we do. She's going to be able to I go right We're going to do some acting now And she goes alright And I'm like

Act Act sad And then And then she goes I am sad Let's try and get Let's try and get a bit of range for Adam A bit of range yeah

Do you reckon you could Never seen it Okay but do you reckon you could be What are you trying to What are you trying to do Give him actual scenes from a film that he's not seen

No I'm gone You're deranged because you've just broken up with her You've not got the job Instantly The casting director's gone

Get out No he hasn't You don't know You're not a casting director Okay so you're deranged You've just broke up with your ex-wife of a long time I hate her're deranged You've just broke up With your ex-wife Of a long time

Right She's dead You've killed her You're on a killing spree I've broke up With my ex-wife You're dead And you know what

That means we're over Yeah No What happened to your Mrs Adam Broke up with her With an axe Yeah

Split up And she was split No She broke up with you so you killed her and now you're only killing this boy have you got this script

sorted in your head right so you deranged and you're a bit like unscrewed right and you're in a diner and the waiter's

just brought the wrong milkshake and wanted chocolate hiya hey I got your milkshake what's this it's got your milkshake. What's this?

It's a vanilla milkshake. Sorry, I wasn't going to be picking my nose then. Sorry, scene. Vanilla? Yeah, it's vanilla. I just, I remember ordering something different. Okay. Right.

Would you like to go and get that changed or it's just the long way to the i can't okay if the director's gonna be laughing i'm sorry i don't think he works here what i've seen in this hollywood film where the the wait the waiter stroke waitress or they come over This is your milkshake. You're like, yeah, I don't remember all doing it. Yeah Like making you flinch in a fucking Flinched your waitress for time. I try again. Not really. Okay ready action Hello, this is your milkshake What's this

It's fucking milkshake Drinky bitch A little bit Animated for my like and say I'm trying something different I really need this part You've got the part Thank you

You've got the part Oh shit No This is the filming this is the filming. Oh, this is the filming. This isn't an audition. All right. What's this?

It's a vanilla milkshake, mate. Right. Ah, just drink it, you fucking puff. Is that? As in character, by the way. Is that what I ordered? I don't know. I don't give a shit.

Okay. Interesting. I kill people That's a stage direction You don't want to read that out I kill people for fun Alright So do you maybe want to go And get me the chocolate milkshake

I ordered? I can't be fucking bothered Oh okay Sleep at one eye open Cunt What like you? Yeah like me I can't be fucking bothered. Okay. Sleep at one eye open, cunt. What, like you? Yeah, like me. Pushing your lucky ear, kid.

Scene. Well done. That was good. I actually think I could be, like, a good actor. If I put my mind to it. I could definitely do comedy roles. No, that's fine. You know, the fact that you just went to serious first.

I'd love to be like in action films, like as the lead. You are all over the fucking map here. Serious, comedy, action. Well, when I said a serious role, I just meant non-comedy. All right. So like, I think, you know,

Bruce Willis can do it. Yeah. What if nothing comes of Hollywood and Bollywood come calling? I reckon he should know someone. Well, he does, yeah. I mean, you know, I've done one Bollywood dance lesson before. I was pretty good at it.

Like, I got the hang of it quite quickly. It's only a basic routine, but I reckon. I could see Adam doing Bollywood. Is Bollywood all musicals? Does it just basically mean anything that's made in India? Anything that's made in Bollywood? Yeah. Bollywood is just like South Asian Hollywood, isn't it?

I think Bollywood is not what they call themselves, though, is it? I think that's just what... No, they call themselves Hollywood. They call Hollywood Bollywood. It's like the Bloods and the Crips, once they say. Once they age. Do you know, through that whole scene,

I was waiting for you to go fucking skits and you just kept it all in. No, that's not more, that's more intimidating, isn't it? The range. The calm. I kill people, me. They're not.

Yeah, yeah. You fucking flinched. Ah. Ah. I fucking kill people. Bit on the nose. Hey! Oh, that milkshake scene in that new Adam Rowe film was really intense.

That's cold. I think there was a special needs waiter. Do you know what? I'll just have. I didn't know where he was from. Do you know what vanilla will do? Oh! Oh!

Honestly! Oh! Imagine that in a film. Wow! Hey, can I just tell you, I'd seen the script, blew me away. Oh.

What's the point in that scene? You're the director, you told me. I don't know. All of a right, Liam. I'm just telling you, if you can capture what I just got. It was scary that I wanted. Oh, mate, just as a, listen, I'm not telling you how to do a job.

I'm just, I'm just waiting at number one. But if you can get a camera here and get him to do, hang on, hang on, let's do it to this camera. Let's end this section with the, with a POV. Can you zoom in for this bit? The production's already made, sure. Right, ready? So just do it to camera one.

What's this? Vanilla? Yeah. I'm pretty sure I ordered chocolate, but I'll just do this. Hey! Scene. Hello, guys.

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um empire building cunts Okay, welcome to Honky Corner Oh, let's rename the podcast Honky Corner Not doing so good today, are you darling? Come on, babe, what's the matter? Drink that pink drink what's been going on

with you I think I'm too white yeah it's getting really affecting me fucking male fucking male Hellman's Corner

speed round Joe Elliot says wag wag lids you might have seen this Joey L oh it's Joey hello hello no but I call it Joey L. Oh, it's Joey... Hello!

Hello. No, but I call it Joey L. E-double-L. Yeah. Joe Elliot says, Wag Wag Lids, you might have seen the Pope this week did a pilgrimage of penance to Canada

and begged for the forgiveness of the natives who were abused by residential schools run by the Catholic Church. Thanks, Joe. Thanks for keeping it light. Did he pick some pickled peppers as well if you if you boys had to do the same and pay penance to a place you have sinned where would you go and why love the pod and Dan's bald head that's from Joe Elliot so it's got to be

somewhere that I've wronged or my family has somewhere that the pod Spain why because we keep using Spanish racial fuck off you Spanish cunt

is that because we keep using Spanish racial slurs about on you off camera yeah yeah someone tell the police

tell the police the Spanish police La policia Where have we sinned Where have we sinned That we could do a pilgrimage Of penance to I feel like I probably owe an apology to the

Traveller community for my bare knuckle Call out so I could just go to a Campsite and say soz Soz what forum is that again You'll know the community for my bare knuckle call out yeah so i could just go to a campsite and say soz yeah so i'm like soz what forum is the name again you'll know hey you'll find out once you've got the internet where's the most concentrated area of travelers in the country is there is a they tend to move about a bit so no no but like all the time surely they've got like is it manchester like is there like a big it Is Manchester famous for travellers?

Isn't Tyson Fury a traveller from Manchester? He's, I mean, his family... Is he from Morecambe? Oh, is he? I don't know. He lives in Morecambe. He lives in South Manchester, doesn't he? What are we even talking about?

He's from Morecambe, isn't he? I thought he was a Manc. Oh, he's definitely up in Morecambe now, though. Withenshaw. Oh, he's from Withenshaw, is he? Yeah, I knew he was from Manchester. He definitely lives in Morecambe. I've seen her.

I think Carl would have to do a pilgrimage to Brighton. Why? Because you hate the gays. I've never droned with them there, though. I was in Brighton the other day and it was lovely. The hatred in your heart, the homophobia that burns deep within. I could do a pilgrimage to the National Express head office

and say sorry for having a wank on one of your National Expresses. Yeah. Yeah. It's fairly infamous. You could go to Newcastle and say sorry to the bush.

Gotta fuck the trolley. Yeah. Nottingham Hilton for just lying. I could go to York And pretend I'm going to do a pilgrimage of parents And then just piss and shit all over York Piss and shit all over it

Do a marathon Do a half marathon Yeah from before yes I don't think I've wronged anyone in my life Yeah but that's the kind of confidence You take into most situations isn't it I think I could do like a victory parade instead in york yeah like because i represent you the best don't i um if you've got any suggestions have a word pod at gmail.com where you think we could do

pilgrimage just fancy that little holiday in canada and force i could kill two birds on sony and pretend them are i mean that'll make it all right though wouldn't it i'll visit don't worry guys i'll visit get over there and say sorry what does he do i'm so sorry that's mother theresa um if you had been bummed by a priest as a child okay right so you're a canadian kid being bummed by a priest yeah right and now you're that nightingale this age living kind of

what would you want the Pope to do to make it okay what would square that deal off for you where you feel sound about it where you're like

do you know what what do you even well more than an apology yeah well I mean what's the Pope got if I'm a native in you know Northern America what if I'm a native in you know

Northern America what am I after a moose a moose surely I've got access to a lot of moose from the Pope to bring you a moose

from Italy I'm easily pleased what have the Catholics got what have the Catholics got that I'd want money by way of an apology oh they're doing alright aren't they

they're doing fucking fine loads of like little bits of bread what's that from Holy Communion oh yeah yeah yeah I think we go an eye for an eye

because the Bible famously tells you not to so you turn that on them and you're like listen I know God says a whale for an eye for an eye because the Bible famously tells you not to so you turn that on them and you're like listen I know God says a whale for an eye for an eye we'd all be blind but my go

and I think he has to turn up and the Pope has to get dry fisted by everyone who's ever been abused by priests one after the other and now at each yeah

fucking hell speed round that's what you call it. Jordan's. Please, go faster. Go faster. When is your fisting day? What was that voice?

Dolmio? He's fucking German. Argentinian. I know he's Austrian. My grandad. So much going on. Speed around. That's the generic Pope voice.

I thought he was German. I thought he was like, oh, I'm the Pope. I'm coming to Canada to take my fistings as penance for all the boys who were sucked off against Seville. The Pope isn't German. No, the one before this one was. Wasn't that two Popes ago? The one before this one.

Oh, sorry, I do a great John Paul II. I'm so sorry. The current one, where's he from? Argentina. Argentina for the third fucking time. Right, okay. Christ almighty. He's like keepy-ups that he does in the...

Give me some Robitussin. I'm ill. Can't do this shit. Fucking know where the Pope's from. Let's beat the round. I'm from Argentina. I'm the Pope. That's Mexico.

Oh, no. Very close, aren't they? Nope. Racist, that. I'm from Argentina. I'm the Pope. Feast me in the arms And make it okay That's good

Do Lena Messi What? Do Lena Messi What? Cool Cool It's me in the room Jordan says

Hey up lads My and wife And I Jordan It's a board ass Jordan I'm already ill My and wife and I

My wife Jordan I'm already ill I've just had two. My wife. Jordan, I'm already ill. I've just had two swigs of Robitussin because apparently I get my cough medicine from America. I need you to use words better. My wife and I. My wife. Jordan says, hey up, lads.

Because he's the Pope. My and wife and I named our son with a couple of musical influences and settled on Lennon Sonny. After John Lennon and Sonny Liston? Sonny Anderson. As a first and middle name, if you had to name your child

based on comedy influence, what would it be? I'm a new patron and feel I'm certainly getting my three pounds worth each month all the best thanks for that little advert for the patron

that I've genuinely not made up that's Jordan mind the rest so we've gone he's gone Lennon and Sonny

I don't know who's there we go Bobby Mayer done with something no hang on hang on John Lennon it's Sonny who?

what? who's Sonny after? It's Sonny from Sonny and Cher, isn't it? Hang on. Hang on, what? He's into music, and he's had a kid in the year 2022, and he's gone, do you know what? I'll go for Sonny from Sonny and Cher.

You know the one that twatted Cher about? Did he? Oh, yeah, let's do I can fucking Tina is it who's Sonny who's a singer Sonny and Cher

is that eh what's the other name Liston maybe he means no that's like it's bullshit

maybe it's sure for the sunshine band from Casey and the Sunshine Band. Maybe it is. I'm going to pass out. I'm telling you,

I genuinely felt my eye twitch. I've taken a Lemsip, a Sudafed, a Neurofed, and I've had Robitussin, and I'm a second sneak. And this level of bullshit is going to make me pass out.

What was the other name? My life. Sonny Lennon? Oh, I know who that one's after. Yeah. John Lennon. No. a second sneak and this level of bullshit is going to make me pass out what was the other name Matt Alive Sonny Lennon oh I know that one's after John Lennon no Neil Lennon

Neil Lennon Celtic Virgin yeah yeah Neil Lennon oh no it's Aaron Lennon because he was a great singer

right okay so I think maybe so have I had a boy or a girl well I'll go boy or a girl? Uh, well I'll go boy, just to make it easier What are they? Let's not presume their gender

Not in my house You're non-binary No, has it got a cock or a fanny? That's what I want to know Has it got a cock or a fanny? Has the baby got a cock or a vagina? Baby's got a pussy Adam Has the baby got a cock or a vagina? Baby's got a pussy. Adam's baby's got a pussy.

Oh dear, that feels wrong. That's what the NHS has got to, isn't it? It's got a pussy. So it's a cock. It's a cock-wielding baby. It's a cock-wielding baby. He's definitely yours, isn't he, if he can wield his own cock. It's not cried yet, but it's slapped two nurses in the face.

What? Is he Argentinian? What? Sheathers cock. Right, it's okay. It's got to be comedy. I can't. I wish I had it already.

Comedy. It's the industry I'm in and all I've thought about for 15 years but I'll go Richard Eddie Richard Eddie Sarah well I think I'm going to go so what I like is some black comedians

they have like a stage name don't they yeah Cedric the Entertainer wasn't they Yeah Cedric the Entertainer Wasn't Chris and Cedric the Entertainer They got to the Chris and they're like Look at him doing a dance There's one called Earthquake he's quite good There's a black comedian called Earthquake

There isn't He's a friend of Dave Chappelle's Is he a big lad So I'm going Earthquake Jack Rowe After Jack Weissel so I'm going Earthquake Jack Row after Jack Whitehall aww just sounds like

your brother's got fat Earthquake Jack Row if you had to do it with music who would you go for the Prodigy oh it'd be so much better if you pick another face even that has been a lame though

i also just like bruce the prodigy knight two kids call them chase and status fuck off you spanish cunt there's someone basing you like someone base. I like basement jacks, so I'll go jacks. Jacks? Yeah. Steps. Steps, row. I don't like them all from steps.

S club row, H. Jacks, H from steps you I'm going to pass out I'm going to die Feed round There's only four sections To me as well Oh my god Landry says

Wagwag Lids Saw a lad on YouTube Build an underground bunker And tunnel system In his back garden So my Saw a lad on YouTube Build an underground bunker And tunnel system In his back garden So my question is If yous had an underground Scouse

If yous had an underground bunker What features and rooms Would you have Table tennis table Can I just tell you right now Landry This appeals to me There's something about Having an underground nuclear bunker

In your back garden That appeals Some 28 days later sort of post-apocalyptic like fuck this we're going in the bunker i'd love it i'd love it i've dreamed of this since i was a kid you know i used to literally draw pictures of like i used to design me dream house when i was a kid it's like drawing quite a lot and i used to draw a house with an underground bunker in it wow do you think that's a red flag for a teacher?

Do you think that gets given to, like, Ofcom? Ofcom? I don't know, but Ofcom. I didn't mean Ofcom. You mean Ofsted? This lad's never getting on telly. Bann him from Grand Designs. I'll tell you right now.

He's gone mental. I know he's only in year five, but this cunt's not getting live with the Apollo. I meant Ofsted. Yeah, having someone to retreat to is just a male thing, isn't it? Yeah.

No, well, I've got... Women will never understand it. No. Stupid bitches. Shut up, you scum. Of course you're going on a pilgrimage for women, actually. Oh, you should, honestly.

You're with me. I'm not. I love women. I think they're great. Why did you look at the camera like that? I do. I think they're great Why did you look at the camera like that? I do I do

These men Can have a mic Apart from Carl Who's a spy No You fucking stupid cream cracker twat Too far that, innit? Yeah, I used to draw them all the time

And I'd draw a little ladder into the Into the basement into the basement. And the basement was bigger than the house. Yeah. Bomb-proof? I mean, yeah. Suppose. Genuinely, zombies come.

That is the touch, isn't it? That's the touch. As soon as you've got anything that can scale or windows, you're fucked. Yeah. Once you've got one of them spinny... You just keep a freezer full of meat. One of those spinny locks a safe

like a safe door yeah like on a submarine like safe house with Jodie Foster yeah like safe house with Jodie Foster that's exactly

what I said was submarine panic room with Jodie Foster safe house is Denzel Washington no safe ways safe ways with Jodie Foster quick save

Sainsbury's quick save Sainsbury's with Jodie Foster that film the co-op The co-op. The co-op. With Liam Neeson. Summerfield.

Jimmy Summerfield. He's there. In my bunker, first of all, I want a fish tank and a sex swing. No. Come on, you can't have that. What are you having in your fish tank? We'll get the tank clean. Yeah. With me, Dick. What are you having in your fish tank? I'll keep the tank clean Yeah With me dick

What are you having in the What's your favourite fish for that? Piranhas Then you can't have any other fish can you? You can't You're just sharks Have you made underground You went bigger

Have you made underground nuclear bunker fish tanks silly? Speedrun. No, I'm not done. Sorry, sorry, sorry. On a table tennis table, a basketball machine, a bar. Is this the new studio? Yeah. A bed?

Any bedrooms? Are we having a bedroom? Yeah. Well, well no it's just one big room in my head really yeah oh no i've got different i've got but i'm keeping my bed in one corner and my toilet in the opposite diagonal one right i don't want to be able to smell me shite when i'm having a kip oh my god how big is the underground bunker that's got no windows it's a walk a mile for the shit. It's a mile.

Well, can I tell you something? You're going to fall short of that toilet quite a few times. It's going to be shit or half a mile. I've got a travelator.

Travelator. Travelator going from the bed to the toilet and back. Table tennis. You're making me feel more ill. Unnecessary. Speed round.

It's not unnecessary. It's a travelator that ill. It's unnecessary. Speed round. It's not unnecessary. It's a travel laser that goes 60 miles an hour. So it takes a minute to get to the toilet. Tell me you wouldn't want that. It's too much. It's too much bunker. I've gotten too big on the bunker. Why?

Think of all the possibilities you know when Morgan Freeman's got all the gadgets for Batman yeah and he's got

that white warehouse that's how big that now looks in my head yeah oh you need a Batmobile

to get you to the toilet I've got my travelator my 60 mile an hour travelator you just sit on it strap yourself in

what off you go you shit all over that travelator I'm breaking it wrap yourself in. What? Off you go.

You shit all over that travel agent. Have a footy pitch and everything. Five a side, bring your mates down. Have a human on zombie game. Make them look stupid. I wouldn't invite the zombies down, Adam.

I see a floor in the floor. What if the game of footy is like we'll play yous for a truce? Then we can all go back to our lives. Like World War I? Yeah. Like Christmas, you come out of the bunker and throw a football to the zombies.

I've got questions about that game that happened in No Man's Land. In World War I? Yeah. Who brought the footy? Who brought the footy? Yeah. Apparently there was dairy milk there as well

on the adverts. On the adverts? Yeah. Oh, did the dairy milk do an advert of it? No, but who on the front line was like,verts yeah oh did the Derry Milk do an advert of it but who on the front line was like right I've got me

Uzi me rocket launcher me knife Uzi rocket launcher knife who's got me where's me boots standard issue for British troops

in the first world war yeah like what who brought the football yeah it's a brave first soldier just pop up and be like lads

we've got a mitre they literally got snipers come on it's a brave first soldier just pop up and be like lads we've got a miter literally got snipers it's christmas day everything that came above the parapet got its head fucking blown off you could famously get injured by just holding your hand up with a cigarette in your hand couldn't you i mean i say famously infamously i think it was it was on downton Abbey but I think anything that stuck so it's a brave lad who goes

do you know what I've just got a feeling that because it's Christmas Day I'm not gonna get my head blown off and they held like a white flag up and just walked into the middle and was like

lads got a mitre got two samba goals there as well and I can't believe you just put them up lads call a truce lads

fun for side fun for side yeah and they were like yeah I also I don't really get the art of war, you know? So here's the thing, right?

By Shinzu. Do you know the Geneva Con... Can we just deal with one bit of bullshit? No, I'm trying to make sure you know what you're talking about. The Geneva Convention. Just have it in your head. Go on. Right, go on.

So, right, here's the thing. You get the art of war. It's like rules to war isn't there Do you know what I mean It's weird because like If you stand up with a white flag And you walk into the middle and go hey Just want a game of footy

Then they're not allowed to shoot you No but like They're not What do you mean There are rules to war though Rules of engagement. What? Hang on, which war are we talking about?

Are we talking about the First World War? Let's talk about... Specifically the First World War, where there was trenches. Yeah. Right, okay. So you come up with your flag. White flag.

Yeah, all over your hand. And the Germans were like, should you shoot him? And he was like, nein, the rules to the war. Yeah. They could shoot you if they wanted to.

But why wouldn't they want to? why didn't they shoot the fella who turned up with a fucking probably bored out of their fucking head weren't they? this is what I'm saying though surely I don't understand how there can be rules to the war because you're saying there isn't but there is they won't break them and if they do they get accosted for it who do they get accosted for?

but like if I was leading the Germans there and like fucking I don't know fucking John Army come over and he's like do you want to give him a pussy you just shoot him i'd know i'd go yeah yeah go and get all the lads and the second they get up gone i see kill the entire british forces with one little fucking slimy trick okay cool just to let you know not the entirety of the british forces were playing in that game on Christmas Day. There wasn't 48,000 British soldiers. It's just a couple of lads, I think, in an outpost. I know what you mean, all of that chivalry thing.

I don't think there's like rules where if someone flies a white flag and they go, yeah, yeah, it's good. If someone then goes, ha, ha, ha, fucks them and shoots them, they don't get shot. I think it's just sort of, a bit of chivalry. There are rules. There we go. So it requires humane treatment for all persons

in enemy hands without discrimination. No torture or inhumane treatment of detainees. You're talking about the Geneva Convention? Yeah. That's not what he's talking about. It is. He's talking about the honour of the white flag system. It's the same thing.

You've got... No. What are you on about? What are you on about, you fucking plums? You think flying a white flag is the rules of war? You actually call it the art of war, and he's literally reading out the Geneva Convention. It's the same thing.

What the fuck is going on? Rule one, Geneva Convention. If you want to kick him out, white flag, don't shoot him. Otherwise, Geneva Convention, mate.

You get fucking, you have to bend over and you get wrapped. No, it's like, Joe used to play at Manon's and you'd have like a dent, like a place where you're safe. Bali.

Yeah, you'd say, Geneva Convention, and you can't, you can't shoot. What's the rest of the Geneva Convention? It's, it specifically, it's murder, mutilation, torture,

and taking of hostages. Right. Unfair trial. What does it say about kickabouts? Get to the kickabouts bit. It's got Ed's and V's rules. Oh, Ed's and Molly's rules. Ed's and Molly's rules.

Does everyone get lives? Yeah. Yeah, you get lives. Bare ass. Oh, it's bare ass. It says join-ons are, I think. Yeah. Right. Join- lives. Bare ass. Oh, it's bare ass. It says join ons are, I think. Yeah. Right.

Join ons. Speed round. Nathan Mace says, Nathan Mace says, I'm so ill. Wag wag lids. So yeah, I'd like a bunker, by the way. Mate, if you could see at the start of the,

what would you have in your bunker? I don't get the art of war. It's Carl, gets up the Geneva Convention. May I have all the fucking questions to lead us into Carl genuinely reading the Geneva Convention? Oh my God. Nathan Mace says,

Wag Wag Legs, got a random question here for you. What random nicknames do you have or have you called your missus? I call my missus Tits, which she responds to as if it's her name. Oh,

fucking hell, Nathan. That's what I'm saying. It got me thinking. If I'm only, the only one who does this, but thought you lot might be able to trump that. Well,

have you ever had nicknames for missus? Yeah. For your missus? Have you ever had nicknames for missus yeah for your missus have you ever had any a up biggins is something that i probably shouldn't have started calling laura because i think she initially thought it was a joke and then you know that's the kind of thing that will get in your head don't you call it like chicken legs or something what what is it oh the big chicken legs Oh, the big... Chicken legs. That's how he introduces us to new people.

Like, John, meet me wife. This is chicken legs. Hey, you biggins! This is chicken legs. Get the Geneva Convention out of here. See if there's anything in there. This is me wife. Chicken legs.

There's two reasons for it, by the way. Tiny legs and loves a chicken leg. You know what I mean? What is it? The big piece of chicken. That's it. Yeah, I call it the big piece of chicken. Chicken legs.

What is it A reference Is it Is it Chris Rock Yeah You ate the big piece The chicken Oh my god

Yeah chicken legs I will be calling her Chicken legs Jack's Jack's Jack's learning to talk So he Calls Laura

Laura Which is really fun. Really fun. Because I go, Laura, Laura. He's like, Laura. Laura. He can say Laura better than he can say mummy. That's such a power move.

It's such an ecchi move, isn't it? Laura. Dada. Who? Dada. Laura. Laura. And on holiday, we were in Anglesey

I swear to god I know he was just making sounds but it sounded like he was calling me Dave and her Bev and Dev Bev

by the way my kid's alright he's just dead young so we started calling each other Dave and Bev for the weekend and I am now I've got one tattoo

I can see the appeal of getting more tattoos. But because I'm a knobhead, the nice tattoos is not as appealing. I really wanted to get Bev in a heart. I'll never forget you, Bev. Bev! Dave!

Bev! Laura! The fuck did he shove to Laura? He's such a bad move. He is a player. He's a power man. Honestly, I will ring chicken legs right now. And have her fucking confirm it. I honestly I will ring chicken legs right now Sounds like a character in a Guy Ritchie film.

Break top, chicken legs. Oh, fucking Christ almighty. Whoa. I love it when Adam starts leaking You know you're having a good episode When Adam's leaking Dev Dev Dev He's making you look stupid, you know.

You know what he's doing there. Smoking. Little fucking ginger menace. Oh my God. Sorry listeners, we're just having a Adam collects himself Do you need a little Do you need a break

I wait Do we need a little Calm down interval I'll be alright I'll be alright Have you got any nice names For Serica No I don't think so

Call her Bootylicious Don't you Call her that obviously But that's to her mum I'm not even messing She doesn't like Seneca doesn't like babe Or baby

Oh Laura hates princess I know she'll call her that Do you Yeah It's funny what But you know what Because I don't call it

In like the Oh hi princess Like angel Like love kind of like The meaning way I know what you mean Because there's two ways Of seeing it

My best mate calls His missus princess and it's the most like it's just what he's always like and i know some people might listen to this and go that's a bit cringy but it's it's funny what in the bubble of your relationship isn't cringy yeah like i call laura darling or babe babe's my go to Not baby She hates babe Also we've Got a baby So you can't like

And he's the only one Laura Dave I don't mind baby No No Babe's my go to though Or I'll say like

I suppose I've used gorgeous Or beautiful as well The only thing is Tits is a bit much Isn't it You can shout babe What's happening beautiful You can shout babe What's happening beautiful You can go babe

It's hard to shout Serica's name Because it's three syllables Serica Serica Takes ages What Takes ages

Oh you just get bored Serica I don't need you that much Serica There's a fire Serica Can't be arsed So I like babe

Because it's got uses like that Yeah We are angel princess Beautiful there's a fire Sarah oh I can't be arsed so I like babe because it's got uses like that yeah we are angel princess beautiful all of them yeah she loves her

anyone any ones that you don't like any ones that she's like nah fuck stick tits McGee tits McGee she's not into it

no I don't get I just get Carl or Carly Carl if she wants something my ex girlfriend didn't like miss smoke a lot takes ages as well yeah I don't get I just get Carl or Carly Carl if she wants something my ex-girlfriend didn't like

Miss Smoke a lot takes ages as well yeah why didn't she like Adam she said Adam's in the bath wants a bottle of water

Miss Miss Smoke a lot she's like yeah what do you want love she sounds like a character of Robot Wars Miss Smoke a lot my needs to say kill a lot She's like, yeah. What do you want, love? She sounds like a character of Robot Wars.

Miss Smoker. Married to Sir Killer Lott. I used to love Robot Wars. I actually designed a robot when we got done. Hang on. Oh, here we go. In the loft. Oh, my God.

It wasn't a box with a knife in it. Did you just have one shotgun from Scottish John on it? Here we are. Ladies and gents, it's a have a word classic. It's a shotgun on a robot what a robot what a very idea and I've gone

you know I've well into did you build a robot with your grandad did you build a robot with your grandad I've definitely told you no I've never

I don't think anyone's ever heard this no no tell us about it I put a box on a car a remote control car a knife that was on robot wars we didn't get past the auditions oh what would you if you're gonna build a robot then what uh what's that are you going for the flipper or an attacker no i'd

go dildo i'd just buy i'd buy one of those fucking machines. What are they called? Sibian. You know a lot about it. And just glue it on the top of a remote control car. Box it up. Tinfoil. Make it look hard. Make it look robotic. And then just fuck the competition. Have you seen

those self-driving mops? Yeah. Oh yeah, the robot hoovers. Yeah, like, mops? Yeah. Oh, yeah, the robot Hoovers. Yeah. I'd get one of them. Self-driving mops? Is that what you just said?

Because all the other mops you have to drive yourself. Right. I'm a self-driving Hoover, then. Right. Whatever you want to call it. Sorry, I didn't know it was a Hoover, not a mop. God, I'm not down with the fucking kids. I'd get a self-driving hoover

of all the things to get touchy about oh right you've fucking cunted me right off there and I'd just put

like oozes all around right just set that off just drop a bomb to it little robot hoover with oozes the thing's gotta survive

hasn't it get stuck under the couch I think we'd win robot wars what happens on that yeah that's a good point actually like if I put like a bomb The thing's got to survive, hasn't it? Get stuck under the couch. I think we'd win Robot Wars. What happens on that? Yeah, that's a good point, actually. Like, if I put, like, a bomb on that, does that...

Do you win if you kill all the others, even if you kill yourself? Or is it a draw? Guys, guys, guys. Patreon special, Robot Wars. We would have to bring it back. Every one of us gets to form a guest teammate. We have to build our own robot out of remote-controlled cars and weapons.

Bagsy dildos! No one's allowed to use dildos. And then we all go into and have a fight. In a car park? In an octagon. Okay. Okay, let's do robot wars in November then. We've got a gap.

What do you think? I think it's a really fun idea that you're gonna change your mind about as soon as you're not as unwell I'll just get on

Robitussin I'm in Robitussin speed round Robitussin Daniel Phillips says would you rather baseball Jeff

that's the kid who plays baseball isn't it is it yeah he's given me about four baseballs I only lost the first one and he's like

oh you've lost another I've got three now would you rather a talking cat but they are racist or a talking dog but they are homophobic I haven't read this properly

and then I've wandered into it yeah you've come into danger I mean do you wanna do you wanna but they are racist or a talking dog, but they are homophobic. I haven't read this properly. And then I've wandered into it. Yeah. You've come into danger. I mean, do you want to, do you want to call it? Love a talking dog. That was homophobic.

Cause you finally have somebody who's got something in common with our teacher. New tricks. So you got to teach it. Racism. You got a homophobic dog or a racist cat. And there's a, there's an absolute tap in here. Racist cat.

Cause you don't have to walk the cat. Cats are at home, aren't they? Yeah, but it's also walking around the neighborhood saying things when you're not there. Yeah, but you don't want someone knocking at your door going, hey, your cat's just called me a Jew. No, you don't.

No, but could you... That's the last thing you want. Imagine having a dog on a lead and it saw someone and instead of barking, it was like, Bender, Bender. You could just keep the dog in the house. Yeah, but it just sounded so shouting, puff.

What? So my tap in was, you don't have to walk the cat and you were like, nah, yeah, nah. Cats, you know, they're everywhere. Cats do get out, don't they? No, not if you close the doors. No, you need to walk a dog, even if it's homophobic. Cats are cunning.

They're little fucking cunts. And the second you open the door for an Amazon delivery, they're out and they're calling everyone a Jew in the neighborhood. And as they run past it, Lithuanian! Yeah. You'd have a dog in your house just shouting puff. Yeah. Don't tell me that wouldn't be constant alerty.

Puff, puff, puff! When someone knocks. Yeah, she's like, oh, it's how he says woof. This is your first episode. For some reason, we're trying to bring the P-bomb back. The less threatening P-bomb. No, the dog's got a lisp

and he's trying to say woof. Puff. He's trying his best. But then he says the worst one and you're like, ah. I don't know what to say. Now he's asking for sausages. Finn is looking at us. He means the asking for sausages. Finn is looking at us genuinely like he's worried about his income.

Guys, all I can see over the computer is little Welsh Turkish eyes like, I don't want to get a proper job, guys. Yeah, I'll go cat. I've got a cat though. It's also, cats look like they would be racist. Yeah. They're really sneering. Any cat that can talk is dropping the N-word at some point.

Straight, unadulterated facts. Now, a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy service. Now, imagine if you only were going to have one car forever. Like, you just got one car. You couldn't part-ex it. You just got to look after that car as well as you can because you know you're going to have that car for your whole life.

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Sort your head out. Literally. Here we are. Part three of three. No guests today, so we just do three sections. I think so. Yeah. Unless, you know, if we get to the end of this and you feel up to it,

we could do seven. We've never done a seven sectioner. We haven't. Done a five with Dane Baptiste. It has to go really wrong for it to be more than four. I think tonight, I think today, three. Feeling spot on for me. Yeah, you're sounding very croaky there, Dan.

You sound like a bitch. Oh, Lord. I'll settle a swallows. Advice? To hell. Oh. Here to hell. I'll solve a Swallows. Advice? There's no point in me recording this stuff if you're going to sing over it. You might do time.

Agony Adam. Do you know what? I feel I'm in such a good place today that I feel like if there was ever a time for me to give advice, today is a good day to do it. Just have four fucking coffees and fly, my brother, fly. This is from John Daggett.

I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend, but I think she's got me tickets to the live show in December for my birthday. What should I do? This is from John D. I'm just telling you right now, I had not a syllable of that question, so I'm going to need you to ask it again.

John Dagger is the man who takes over Wayne Enterprises in The Dark Knight Rises. He's a fictional character, Dan. I'm not sure he's writing emails in about his girlfriend. Someone's used a fake name. Do you feel like you have power? Do you feel like... What does he say?

Do you feel powerful? Do you feel in charge? Oh, that's it, yeah. Do you feel in charge, John? Sorry. Could we have more of the worst Bane impression ever? Do you feel in charge, John? Do that again.

Now. He actually says his name. Do Bane. Do Bane. Do Bane. I don't care for the time John do that again now he actually says his name do Bane do Bane do Bane say do you think

darkness is your ally do that bit John do your thing do your thing dog I can't deal with all this

fucking do your thing dog it's Judith Keppel you don't know who Judith Keppel is the first one everyone's seen I don't think you is your ally, John. Do you think the theater is your ally, John? Oh, go on then, get me out of a Dubein. You can't do the- You've got to-

Oh! No! Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal! That's the Al Jazeera football commentator. Help me get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein.

I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I'm going to get out of the Dubein. I've got to. Oh! Goal! Goal!

Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal!

Goal! That's the Al Jazeera football cocktail. Help me get into. Goal! Goal! Goal! Help me get into Bane. Help me get into.

Oh! You'll recognise this sound. Go on. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh That's Alan Partridge This is like the opposite of ASMR You think darkness is your bad lie You think John's like it I was born in the dark You merely adopted it Do you feel in charge John

I don't think he's even trying I was born in the dark I was born in it Moulded by it I didn't see the light until I was already a man. By then it was nothing to do with blinding. Carry on Bane. Do you remember that film?

Carry on Bane. How much did it cost love to keep that fucking motor on the road? To fill that tank up, it probably cost you about a chimpanzee and a half. Why would you shoot someone then from out of a plane? What do you know? It's the price of a fucking bullet. A fool will kill him.

Now's not the time for fear. That comes later. Nobody give a fuck about me. It's all about master. I need Dark Knight Rises remake with Dale Winton playing Bane. He's dead. Someone who sounds like him.

First person to come back here with a melon gets to live. So this question is from John Daggett. He says, and I'm just going to have to go that that is his name. Okay.

I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend. Do you want me to do it as Bane? Pervy Bane. I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend. Do you want me to do it as Ben? Pervy Ben. I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend, but I think she's got me tickets to the live show in December for my birthday. What should I do? Well, take it from me, mate.

Sometimes when your girlfriend gets you tickets, even if she's already given you them as a gift, you don't actually get them by the time the show comes around. She will keep them for herself. She might even sell them and then go herself the day before. Or you might get cold plate tickets six months down the line.

You might get cold plate tickets that you never actually wanted three days before the concert. Sat next to her parents. Is this just a hypothetical that you're coming up with? Three days before the concert. Sat next to her parents. I don't, is this just a hypothetical that you're coming up with? Is this just a hypothetical?

It's just, look, I'm just warning you. I've heard of that happening before. I've heard of people going, here's two jelly cinnamon tickets. Happy Christmas, babe. And then you break up, right?

You break up. And then months later. Which is probably your fault. Yeah. You break up, months later you're like, hey, can I have those jelly cinnamon tickets, you know, because i gave you all your christmas presents and then

sometimes they go listen what i've done is i've sold them and i'm going the day before soz buy yourself some and then a few months later they go hey do you remember those coldplay tickets that you got from me and you and me mum and dad when my mum and dad's still going but i'm not going anymore. So the show's in three days. You probably haven't even written it down. But here's two Coldplay tickets because you paid for them. And I thought the best day to give you that

for a concert that's on Saturday would be Wednesday. Half on a Coldplay. Me mum and dad are really looking forward to seeing you. That could happen. John, listen. This guy sounds wise. My mum and dad Are really looking forward To seeing you That could happen So John Listen

This guy sounds wise You're enjoying Cutting play That could I'm just saying I know a guy Who that happened to I do as well

Because I don't We know him It was you It was you It was us It was you You're talking about Your life

Oh my god This is so fucking Cheap Sold the tickets though Could have got You're talking about your life Oh my god It's so fucking cheap Sold the tickets though Could have got hundreds for them Got 150 quid Yeah Yeah

What are you going to buy with the money? I'm going to go to Cash Kicks I'm going to add retail Get a sock To 150 quid And then get what? Get a pair of trainers that are 150 quid over retail I love it

Fuck you What I would say is you don't love her there's already there's still about a thousand tickets well I would say 800 tickets left

for the arena I don't even know if there's that many I think it's like less than 700 well there's a few tickets left so swear of her

swear of her because you don't love her and that's just our last hanging on and also it's hard to bong someone you don't love you know what I mean it's hard to bong someone you don't love after you've been in love with them before and't love her and that's just our last hanging on and also it's hard to bonk someone you don't love you know what I mean

it's hard to bonk someone you don't love after you've been in love with them before and not love her right yeah I kind of did this with my ex though

what I mean I didn't but it looked like did you have to go and watch Coldplay with her parents it looked like I did it though

it looked like you'd gone to watch Coldplay with her parents yeah Carl and his ex's mum without watching Coldplay with the parents. Carl! At his ex's moment, I'm watching Coldplay.

No, hang on. That's him and Adam in Tiger, Tiger Cruden. We broke up a couple of days after we went to Harry Potter land. What? This is a while ago, though, isn't it? This is 12 years ago. Four years ago? Five years ago? 12 years ago.

Yeah. So you... Were you just eking it out for for harry potter no but it looked like a watch do you know when it looks like you've eaten out for harry potter land when you fuck her off in the gift shop you know when you've got your like pencil case do you know what i'm not into you yeah it looked like it didn't I'm not into you. Yeah.

It looked like it didn't. Expelliarmus. Obliviate, I wish. Obliviate. What's Expelliarmus? Expelliarmus is fuck off, lad. It's a disarming spell. What?

Obliviate makes you forget something. Obliviate. Oh, she'd love to obliviate. Just pull the bad memories of a relationship out of your mind. And put it in the ponceve. Yeah, have that Dumbledore. She's a right psycho no she was lovely she was just kids

what spell would you invent Dan? look how comfortably he gets talking about his actual life you've got to swerve her because it's not fair to either of you and look

the tickets are still available like 25 quid just stop in a tight spot and just get yourself two tickets bring your new bed with big tits. Yeah. Official advice.

So, John, you know what to do. To be honest, mate, though, if you fuck around anymore and don't listen to this advice and it's sold out, I'd make sure you get the tickets before you dump her. I would recommend that to you. Because I know what's going in this show. And I know a get the tickets before you dump her. I would recommend that too. Because I know what's going in this show. And I know a guy who didn't do that.

Zip wire. And had to buy his own. Get 500 tickets. Entering on a zip wire. So you want to see that. You look happy about it as well. What? Or Argentinian the whole way.

What? Thank you, John. Speed round. Oh, is it? Speed round of advice. It's not. Speed round of advice It's not Speed round of advice I have no energy for speed rounds

Wag wag lids Think I need a bit of advice After four years I'm being kicked out of my own home And through It's only four I'm four years old, I'm being That is harsh.

That's his house. After four years, I'm being kicked out of my own home. And through all that time, my family and I have had to deal with neighbours below us who have been snitching on us, complaining to the landlord about noise when I have my nieces and nephews staying and other petty things. Never talking to us directly, just getting passive aggressive notes. So now that I'm leaving,

should I do something petty before I leave in return? Should I confront them, knowing there will be no big comeback from them? Thought I'd let you, Madlock, decide. Keep up the good work. That's from Craig. So I've got three words for him. Start a fire.

Through the letterbox. Right. Craig, we are absolutely all behind you. If you've lived next to whingy ball bags. Four. There's only four. But if you've lived next to whingy ball bags for this long and you've had to put up with it, I'd go.

I knew. I'm gone. Sorry. I'd go i knew i'm gone sorry i go revenge i was everyone can we vote revenge oh we're all voting revenge i've got what the fuck are you talking about i've got two words for you house fire right yeah i've got no no that's hyphenated i've got two other words for you criminal charges ah. Ah. No, do it in secret. Oh. I think you've got to play the long game on this. I think if you go for revenge too soon,

it's obvious who it is. Yeah. How long? Can I just say, I have a former estate agent. It was years ago that we rented a house off them. Revenge is still cooking. Oh.

Oh, I'm going to do something. I constantly, I think about it a lot. They were absolute ball bags. I no longer live in the town where we rented from, but I haven't forgotten. There's one person

that wronged me in the past and I have several times thought about like genuinely measuring them. Yeah, I know, but Coldplay's done now, isn't it? You've seen the book.

I will try to fix you. I did try. I know. So fish into the curtains. Right. Talk us through that break-in Imagine being caught Trying to opposite burgle a house

With fish You gotta have half Muthig Yeah, you're gonna break in and Sew fish into the Can you sew? No Superglue them sew fish into the... Can you sew? No.

Superglue them. Trying to agree to get your mum to go and I break in with you. Why do we need the fish, love? Shut up, mum. Just get the fucking sewing kit. Mum, put the balaclava on. Shut up. This big sail is going to be insane.

Yeah, it's a context context we've had today. Listen, Craig, how long can you sit on the anger? If you do it in the next few months, next six months, even the next year, it might come back on you. Can you leave this three years and then unleashed vengeance? Here's a question for you. With the old Revengue, which sounds like an argentinian attack me feel there juan ramo revenge oh yeah revenge it was quality unbelievable great on the

counter attack um with the old that was good you deserve more than that stupid do you like let's say you're getting revenge on someone a bit of cold old-fashioned revenge yeah do you need to see it or do you just need to know it's been done that is where you're gonna get caught I think that's where you're gonna get caught

in it unless you like that's like make it so it ends up on the news and then you see it on the news wow

house fire that's gotta be big it's gonna end up being big I mean you are what's gonna end up on the news that's explosion

isn't it house fires don't end up on the news? That's explosion, isn't it? House fires don't end up on the news unless a lot of people die. Explosions, they end up on the news. But it's, you know, there's probably like a lot of people going to be researching who did the explosion. Try and make sure it's not coming back on you. What if you posted a condom full of glue once a month?

Eventually that'll get on the news and they'd think it's come. Get annoying as well. I wonder after how many months the news would be like, now it's a story. Do you know when like

ITN news are like, I know it's been 12 condoms full of glue, but I just don't think it's newsworthy yet hold the story for a little bit but I've got it written

I just I've just got a sense that it's going to need 18 months of condoms but it could backfire on the people like because maybe eventually

they're getting sick of it and the woman who lives there is like do you know what fuck them what I'm going to do is I'm going to put that get pregnant and

then they'll have to give me child support right but then she accidentally super glues a fanny together and she can never have sex again right double revenge you know what if you're the kind of lady who gets a who gets a condom a used condom through the post and thinks do you know what I've always wanted to be a mum yeah yeah you sort of you sort of deserve a glued fanny don't you

that has never been said in the history of the English language you know what you should do the most subtle stuff

just go outside the house every night like 2am and just shout the name the English language. You know what you should do? The most subtle stuff. Just go outside the house every night at 2am and just shout the name once constantly. And then just let them like...

Once and constantly? No, like, just go, Adam! Right. So you have to go back to where you live and go out on the street

in the middle of the night. He's got to get up at 2am. He's got to get up every night for that He's got to get up at 2am. Every night for that. No, not every night, because then they're waiting at 2am. Just once every couple of weeks. He's moved an hour away.

Every fortnight, he has to get up in the middle of the night, go to the street and go, Carl! Back in the car. You can't really be putting your own jizz or any poo through because, like through the letterbox,

because then that's DNA, isn't it? You're going to get caught there. If they test that against you, it's going to be like, this is John's shit. What? Do you, what,

are you on, are you on the DNA database? No, but like if it's suspected that you, it's going to match. Hang on, in my head.

What? Hang on. I just want to know how poo and jizz DNA works in Adam's head. They're going to be like, do you know what? Now we've got all this poo

and this jizz. I've got a feeling this is Adam Rowe. Hang on got a feeling this is Adam Rowe hang on yeah it's Adam Rowe I remember this from that marathon

no but if I was the shit in a cup right and keep sending it to yours right yeah

right then if you went to the police and was like I'm pretty sure this is Adam Rowe they could come to me with a warrant and be like Adam wow I need to speak to this judge i don't know the law but i'm pretty sure

if the police come and go listen someone's been said in fucking pick and mix cups of poo to this estate agent and we've got a feeling it's adam rowe the judge is gonna be like that's it poo search warrant get his dna I reckon you've got rights there I think you might be alright unless you're on the DNA database and PS if you work for the police and you take DNA

out of poo and jeers sort your life out are you on the database? I'm on a register have you ever been fingerprinted? no good I've never been fingerprinted

Same When I was a kid I thought they had everyone's And used that easy to find Yep You know what I mean? Yep Like fingerprints

Like oh They know why I'm there Conspiracy theorists would be like They have got it though Lad How do you not see That they've fucking got it They've had it since the pyramid

Keep it subtle Show us his name Outside the store Every now and again Just leave I don't know what I'm doing To the pyramid. Keep it subtle. Show us his name outside the store every now and again. Just leave. I don't know what I'm doing to this estate agents, but it's going to be... What did they do to you? They're just the worst bunch of cunts

for the whole time we rented off them. And if I'd have been younger, I'd have put up with it. But they were awful. And we got billed at the end of the tenant. You know when we left the house in a better condition and they literally went round and ignored everything. The garden was a fucking state.

I sorted the garden out, but went round with a fine tooth comb and charged us over the odds for every little fucking thing. And you can't get out of it. It's so rough. I hate estate agents. When I was a student, you were like, yeah, yeah, we fucked the house up. We didn't't one of my old landlords tried to do that with me and he tried to compromise so

he was a gobshite i remember this and in the end he was like right well the shower curtain that's not the one we gave you so that's like 100 quid and There's a perfectly good shower curtain that you left. The one that he had, like shower curtains get fucking grim, so I threw it away and got it back. Every 12 months, it's good etiquette to change. I've been there for over a year, and then he was like, these blinds here, they're a bit dirtier, so there's 100 quid.

He's like, so your deposit was 600 quid, then we're going to keep 500 of it and you'll get 100 back. And I went, no, you're not keeping any of it. Like, we haven't done anything. There's a bit of natural wear and tear of a house. Yeah.

But you've had over the fucking mortgage for, for however long. So he had my month in advance and a deposit, I think. So it was like a 1,200 quid. And he wanted, no, it must have just been the 600 deposit. I must have got that.

Yeah, because I wouldn't have paid the extra month, would I? So he wanted 500 quid. And I was going to get 100. And I was like, no, I'm having only 600 quid. And he said, I'll tell you what, we'll do a compromise. We'll just take 300 each. And I just went, no, that's not happening. So there's a company called Open Rent.

So when you now go to a private landlord, your deposit goes to Open Rent and they only release it once you both agree on the thing. Yeah. They've still got that 600 quid because I'd rather not have my 300 than let him have the 300 he wants.

I have paid a 300 quid tax to have that content and not have that money. Good. Yeah. I remember that. Before that, it's like a secure deposit isn't it yeah

before that landlords are just making it up as they go along yeah it will never have a penny of that and i'm quite comfortable not having any of it back there is on a serious note there is something really twisted in this country where there's a housing crisis where people can stay rich by buying property and people can still struggle by not being able to afford to buy their own house. I know it's like, well, you know, there is rented accommodation needed in certain parts of cities and everything, but there is something really dodgy about that.

You know, I've got money. I'm going to buy these houses and basically rent them for over the odds to people who can't afford to get on the housing market because we own the fucking houses. to people who can't afford to get on the housing market because we own the fucking houses. If anyone's got suggestions of revenge you can do on former landlords, send them in.

This isn't landlord, this is neighbour revenge, isn't it? No, I want them for us. I've not quite got where. What did we say to this man then? Just be subtle, Sean. I think you just need to make their lives a living hell

I mean you could just keep getting taxis to their super strong fish that we got sent that Swedish fish I'll do it I'm fucking great

open a tin of that fish and just post it to the letterbox once a week and run away we'll get kids to do it hey homeless people

let's post fish for you you could just ring round all the dodgiest fucking driveway companies and be like, we want a quote. We want a quote for everything. Just ping it out everywhere.

Hello there, what do you like a quote? Get them a quote. Every day. For something. Hebbledash. Quote. Just keep sending them bouncing assholes.

Yeah, I'll do it. Listen, you can pay for me to do it. I'm fucking great at pranks. Just 20 quid. I'll do it. Use code. Anyway. That was at pranks. Just 20 quid. I'll do it. Use code anyway. That was a good one, that.

Speed round. Anonymous. Can I just say, I think we've given some great advice, but I am flagged the fucking... Are you? I feel weirdly weird. Anonymous.

This is from Anonymous. All right, lads. Needing a bit of advice from you lot who's this from it's from anonymous right okay anonymous all right lads how's that made me laugh needing a bit of advice from you so i'm 25 years old and working away from home over the summer one of the girls i work with is 17 but extremely mature for her age and i used to always think of her as a little sister one night however a large group of us were drinking at our staff house until she took me outside to talk she started kissing me grabbing me almost begging

me to fuck her there and then but i I bottled it as I was totally unexpected, as it was totally unexpected, and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with the age gap. Saying this, we did kiss and do things with our hands, and she's told me sober that she wants me, and it wasn't a mistake. I've thought about it since, and I'd love to do it again with her, and maybe take it further next time.

Of course, she is legally of age. Mate, whenever you have to write that in an email, you're in deep motherfucking water. Of course, she is legally of age. Mate, whenever you have to write that in an email, you're in deep motherfucking water. Of course, she is legally of age, but it does feel quite weird saying I've shagged

a 17-year-old, although she is fit as fuck. Do I do the deed knowing that I leave to go home soon anyway, or does that make it make me a bit of a nonce? Love the podcast.

Keep up the work. Anonymous. He's 25. No. No, no, no, no, no. no no we get a ruling can we get a ruling no you can't you gotta like no half your age plus eight isn't it half your age plus seven seven no i think it's half your age that's it no i think it's just half your age minus five let me just work it out 41 she's 10 years 20 years too old for him. 20 and a half. 15.

Yeah, she's got to be 19 for him. That formula works for any age. Does it? Yeah. 22? Yeah. 22? Yeah.

Finn, how old are you? 22. It makes it 18. Yeah. Oh, God, it does work. Works for any age. What's mine? 20 and a half.

67. 64. Oh. God. 27 and a half 27 27 and a half if laura was gone if she was gone chicken chicken legs a chicken farm she's gone she makes a kfc she's gone to work in the west end in the west end musical version of chicken run okay what a film yeah she got she got hired because she doesn't even need prosthetics. They've saved thousands. Thousands! They spend thousands on each chicken.

What, prosthetic chicken? Prosthetic. Like you, Bankland. My wife has a chicken run. She's got prosthetics. That was Daffyy duck It sounded like Your bane My wife has a chicken

Do you feel in charge Do you feel like a chicken I don't mean Adopted the Coop Guys Dan's done you know Seriously

And we've got to do Another 15 minutes here 27 and a half If I'm introduced To my new bird Lakeisha Lorraine Lakeisha Lorraine

She's a French girl Do you know what I hope everyone thinks This is as funny as We think it is In our heads we're like We've ripped this We'll be tossing You're really not going With child locks are you I hope everyone thinks this is as funny as we think it is. In our heads, we're like, we've ripped this.

We'll be tossing. You're really not going with child locks, are you? Oh, shit's first. You know when the gate's on the stairs, can you get away? There's just me and Jack at the end going, Laura! Laura! Both banging on the gate. Me and my one-year-old, Laura!

Jack's like, me and Dave are stuck in it. Come on. Bev. He's not Asian. Yeah, he is. Dave. Dave's here, Bev. You both don't want to come upstairs, do you?

You bloody idiot. Come on, chicken legs. Come on, chicken legs. Get those chicken legs down here and let us up, man. We are stuck in it. Bruv. I love it. If my 16-month-old baby called his mum, bruv it Bruv I love it If my 16 month old baby

Called his mum bruv Bruv Come on bruv Call her Bev Bev What would you say 27 and a half French girl

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine

Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine Laquish Lorraine La What would you think? 27 and a half. Too young. I'm 41 and a half. I think it's...

No, I reckon that's the lower limit. It's the borderline. It's the borderline. Does it work? That's the bottom borderline. What, if I went 25? No. No?

No, it's because below the thing. But genuinely, are you saying the theory always works? Yeah. So if you're 60, you can fuck a 37-year-old? Yeah. 37 is a fully grown person, maybe even divorced. Yeah. Especially if I'm with Lakeisha Lorraine.

What about 35 if you're 60? Too young. It's too young? Too young. The formula works. Because you live by the formula. And it also makes them legally be 18. You know what I mean?

What? What is it? I feel age plus seven. Yeah. Or 16. Yeah. It works for any age. Oh, wow.

If he was 19, this would be fine. Yeah. Just about. And if you're 10, it's 12. So it still works. It still works.

If you're a 10 year old You're smashing it If you're a 10 year old You're smashing a 12 year old If you're 14 It's just your year You're going to win it Yeah If you're 10

go on to be older 11 nah mate only shag 12 years if you're 10 and an 11 year old girl goes will you get off me you're like nah I'm not pedo 12 minute

off my age plus 7 right I'm gonna be honest with you anonymous 12 minimum. Off my age plus seven. Right. I'm going to be honest with you, Anonymous. This doesn't read well. You are answering your own email with the words you're using. As soon as you have to put in brackets, but extremely mature for her age. Little sister.

Y'all know. Y'all know. It's him, right? Bro. It's not right. Can't do it. Bro. Can't do it. You. Can't do it.

You'll be the nonce forever. Imagine if one of our mates did this. Like they're done. No. Calls case. Imagine if one of our mates... No, I won't. I don't want to.

You don't control my imagination. And I will only imagine what I want to imagine. This is horrible. So our mates would have to shag a 21-year-old? No. When we were 25. And I will only imagine What I want to imagine This is horrible So I made it after Shagging what A 21 year old No When we were 25 Oh no

Did you get the head punched in Yeah 17 Yeah Every time they walked Into the pub We'd just start singing That Kings of Leon song

It reminds me of Sex on fire There was always one girl For sex on fire I thought it was a non-song Yeah It reminds me Every There's always one girl For sex I thought it was a non-song Yeah It reminds me Every

There's always a A girl at college That's got like a 25 year old boyfriend With a Ford Escort or something Like a really Souped up car Do you know

Was there not a girl At your college That had an older boyfriend Just You know We had Kate Suckendildo On the phone Polsky big tits

We did have to get Actually there was again girl in our school who had an old boyfriend, but he was the beach. He was the beach. What did he drive? What? A 19.

Hey. Round the bend. What driver? But like, it's, you've just got to like, you've just got to cut it off. Like,

you know, at the start of this year, when I was free single and looking to mingle right i that famous say there's a girl who messaged me free single and ready to mingle i'm looking to mingle there's a girl who messaged me and i was like oh she's all right here and i got talking to her and then she she went how old do you think i am and i went i think I said guess 27 and she went no

everyone says I look older but I'm 18 and I thought this is just the conversation is dead and she went oh do you not like

a younger girl and I was like not that young though she was like my ex was older than you and I was like that's in a weird way worse yeah

yeah yeah I mean legally doesn't is not an argument is it if you have to use the word legally you've yeah yeah you've broke the rules of the street i think at 30 oh yeah 18 to 30 is it's a great holiday but it's not a relationship is it right i'm done i'm fucked i'm absolutely fucked well done for not being a pedo. Anonymous.

Sort it out, mate. I don't care how fit she is. Yeah. Housekeeping. Come to the live show. I've got... Techacourse.co.uk gigsandtours.com

I've got previews in Preston and Skipton coming up. Skipton's August 27th. Preston is August 31st. And then it's tour time starting in Belfast and Dublin first weekend of September. Very excited.

The show is nearly... I will have some news about my stand-up special hopefully this time next week. Just keep an eye out for that. Other than that, I've got nothing to sell you. I put 10 working progressors on sale. They're all sold out, apart from a couple of stand-up tickets actually.

But they'll just go whenever you lot are asked to buy them and there's already more than enough people in I don't care anymore what a tit thanks very much for listening he needs a nap

and fun Finn hey Finn you ever thought about getting into music Finn Finn

thought about it play a song play a about it Play a song Play a song Now Play a song Who's this week's song This week Obviously if you're

A YouTube listener You don't get this It's only for the audio That was it This week is a band Called the Montagues I am supporting this band On this Thursday

In Alexander's in Chester It's free entry Seven o'clock If you're about, come down. I'll be playing some tunes. This song's called Come Closer. It's an exclusive, actually. It's not out till next month.

So, enjoy. Thank you very much to the Montagues. See you all there for the big gig on Thursday. Love you guys. One more frozen night Open up, open up wide The pink's out of your eyes You're the freak in your disguise Now it's over

Won't you come closer? Pull your chair up a bit Told to stay away Pull your chair up in here Told to stay away, but I don't care The pain's out of my eyes I'm a freak, got no disguise Now it's over Won't you come closer? If you don't let me be myself I'm afraid to be someone else Truth can be in your blurry lens

Shave away the fringe, don't follow trends The pain's out of my eyes I'm a freak, got no disguise Now it's over Won't you come closer I'm a freak, got no disguise. Now it's over. Won't you come closer? If you don't let me be myself, I'm afraid to be someone else. If you don't let me be myself, I'm afraid to be someone else. If you don't let me be myself, I'm afraid to be someone else.

If you don't let me be myself, I'm afraid to be someone else. It's over. won't you come closer It's over, won't you come closer If you don't let me be myself I'm afraid to be someone else If you don't let me be myself I'm afraid to be someone else If you don't let me

be myself I'm afraid to be someone else if you don't let me be myself I'm afraid

to be someone else Thank you.