Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #187 with Mick Ferry - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 28, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me so She was. She was. Welcome to episode three billion of the Hathaway podcast.

Do you know sometimes when we feel like we haven't been in for a while? I feel like I've been in here every day this week for some reason. It's your second time, isn't it? Yeah, but it just feels like a lot. I like it though. I like it as well. It's good. We had a late one.

Is this one of the last? Is this the second? Maybe the penultimate? Run Corn Public? I don't know. I don't know, Carl. It feels like it should be. To be fair, it feels like it should have been

the 18th record in the new studio, but we are working with some really efficient reliable contractors Tories Hi guys It's taken longer than expected to get things

completed P.S. If you hate Tories just they own everywhere in Liverpool I don't know if you knew that

the Grosvenor estate they own the whole of Liverpool one It's like our landlords off. Oh my God. Oh, like they'd ever belittled themselves to watch this.

No, but someone will and they'll tell them. Gary Horshouse has been in touch. Gary Horshouse, I'm telling you right now, if you grass us to our fucking Tory, what are they, landlords,

and their posh contractors. Oh, really? We can call them Tories because they are. A whole curtain rail? Well, that's And they're posh contractors. Oh, really? We can call them Tories, because they are. A whole curtain rail? Well, that's at least £1,200. Weren't they more than that? It's ridiculous.

It was about two grand, yeah, for curtain rails. Oh, no, I'm just talking about pointing them up. I thought that was like genuine. Tories can't lift curtain rails without some major guap. That's what they asked for on the quote. That shows violence today didn't he oh my lord they own the whole

of Liverpool 1 the Duke of Westminster owns Liverpool 1 the fucking mate he's the head Tory King Tory well he's the Duke

to be fair why why do you think it's going to kick off if I mention the Duke no I think it's just the first syllable

of what you're saying sounds fun yeah funny how you doing alright yeah my family have been away and they got back yesterday

and I nearly had a panic attack within the first 45 minutes why I had three panic attacks in my sleep that's nice they just came back and went

you're having panic attacks in your sleep yeah I just had the house to myself to be hung over after the triple C on Saturday night so nice it was an awful hangover but it's just on my own your sleep yeah i just had the house to myself to be hung over after the triple c on saturday night

so nice it was an awful hangover but it's just on my own and then monday fucked around did some jobs came here did a late did a late record all good and then my family got back and it was full on i had my favorite takeaway from chester caspian on sunday night which was almost like you know medical takeaway yeah like i'm so hungover. I tried to get that last night. I've not been able to eat. I got a salt and pepper box from a place called Bubba's Trap Kitchen.

And do you know what? I don't like slagging independent businesses off, but it was fucking shite. Carry on. And they're owned by the Duke of Westminster. I don't know. That's probably not true. Yeah, and then I went on Monday night

because why not? I just got back from the pod. I was like, I'm going to have my favorite takeaway again. And then Laura got back last night and was like, do you know what I fancy? I really fancy Caspian. I was like, oh my God. I've had my favorite takeaway twice.

And then you've got back for the first time. I don't think Laura's ever wanted my takeaway. She's like, I really fancy it. I actually got in there yesterday and there was a look in their face like, hello, mate. Bit worried about you, mate. This is, listen, we sell the food.

This is too much. Is it kebabs? You've done the fucking hat trick. Is it kebabs and that? Yeah. Yeah. And it's nice, but it's still takeaway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like Fucking hell mate Things not looking Too good mate Where's the Caspian Sea The Caspian Sea To the Philippines Four minutes That's good

That's the equivalent Of like What's the capital Of England Hey Anti-establishmentarianism is a long word can you spell it?

I-T-E Where's the Caspian Sea? Isn't it near Russia? It's near the Mediterranean isn't it? It's near the Mediterranean with kebabs Yeah

Must be Near Turkey Finn, Google it It's near you lot innit? Caspian The Caspian Sea I'd say down near Russia It's the world's largest isn't it? Caspian. The Caspian Sea, I'd say.

Down near Russia. It's the world's largest. Turkey. What are you seeing? inland body of water. Where are we looking there? It's a lake. Turkey in there. Yeah.

The world's largest lake. Oh, yeah. All them, all them stands. All them stannos. Fucking Turkmenistan. That feels fake, that one, doesn't it? Oh, there's a Patreon special we're never doing. Hey, book. Fucking Turkmenistan. I feel it's fake, that one, doesn't it? Oh, there's a Patreon special we're never doing. Hey, book.

Fucking Turkmenistan. No, lad, we did Uzbekistan last time. Kyrgyzstan. What's the other one? Kyrgyzstan. Yeah. Proper Europa shithouse away days, innit? Would you please go to Caspian again tonight?

Hello, mate. What's going on, mate? I'm worried about you know my dad used to live above a chippy have I told you this story yeah have I what

my dad used to have a flat above the chippy and he gave him a lot of chips at the end of the night so we'd go there every night when they were closing

and just get like everything for a quid oh my god it's like a scouse father and son lady in the tramp out the back mate Get the rose down mate

Got salt and pepper chicken Going spare mate They literally just got to the point They were like Because they knew we lived upstairs Because the fella who owned the chippy Owned the flat My dad used to rent it off him

And he'd just be like You know what mate You want to come down Every night 10, 30 metres We'll just give you everything For a pound Russian chippy Yeah

That sounds Actually Greek Listen I Greek chippy Yeah Yeah. That sounds... It's actually Greek. Listen, I... Greek chippy. Yeah, it's a Greek. Oh, yeah. It is Greek. Greek chippy where I'm from in Preston.

But it's a Chinese. Shout out Andreas. Say him now. It's a Chinese chippy, but the fella who owns it was Greek. They're on my mind. Look, Greek. There's so much cultural appropriation

going on in the 80s and 90s, wasn't there? Who gives a fuck? It's takeaway. And the old owner who this guy bought it off is also the father of my cousin's daughter. Liverpool. Ladies and gents, Liverpool.

It's a Turkmenistan Chinese Greek takeaway, and everyone knows everyone, and his second cousin's. Lad, lad, I got some chicken de China, the Chinese chicken. My cousin's dad is a Greek man who is living from Chinese food. Yeah, but he hasn't got Twitter, so no one gives a fuck. You can't hashtag me.

See you around the back. Ew. Am I the only one? This sounds really bleak, and it's probably not a good thing to say this. I don't ever think about divorce, but you know, you married man i've got a nice house garden it's all going to get finished soon kitchen's about to be done that's been a bit full-on but we get into the point where you look at my life and go this is great am i being bleak to go what if this all got fucked up

i think that's maybe a survival thing in my head. Like, I've got to see, like, living above a chippy feels like an inevitable, like, exit off the motorway of life. I know what you mean. It doesn't, and this is so bleak, it doesn't sound that bad. I'd much rather stay married to Laura, it's good. Are you sure? Living above a takeaway.

Oh, Lord, I'm the only one I've met. It was great. Here's a garlic bread and cheese. It must smell lovely. Yeah. I've been thinking about that quite a lot, like how grateful I am for all of this and the stuff going well.

Oh, you are hashtag grateful. But then also, if it goes away, what would I actually do? Because we've spoken about it a couple of times in here. If it all went away, what would you do? I think I'd end up owning a food truck. And I think I'm end up owning a food truck and I think I'm gonna start doing TikToks

of me making some food no you're not no I think I am no why I need a hobby you don't do anything

you say you're gonna do you're meant to finish that fucking book and get up at 7am and learn a new language I do everything I say I'm gonna do it just takes me a while

let the man fucking freestyle you don't bring a dish freestyle I'm going to buy a truck food truck the creativity

that's coming out of him never cut him literature's gone books are gone let's go in what's this food truck going to specialise in no the food truck's

a pipe dream that might not ever I hope it never happens because that means this has gone to shit but I am going to start doing like little food stuff I think

on the old internet. I just want a little side project and in my building there's a residence lounge with a nice big kitchen that you can use for free. Can you use that, yeah?

Yeah. So I think I'm going to have a look at it later on today, see where I put the cameras and stuff and I think I'm going to start Rose Recipes. Can you to start Rose Rose Recipes

can you write Rose Recipes he's got the branding he's got the branding he's thought about it I'm going to write your section of the quiz before you start

a food channel please Tom Lundin yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but I think it could be good because I'd be non-traditional recipes

I'd be just like I'll just fucking jazz a little bit fusion Scouse fusion yeah yeah just like you know I'm going to with a cuban sandwich that'll be me episode one because that's my i know no but cuban what remember orange lucal fuse it what with the orange

lucal yeah scouse fusion oh my god but they do do that don't they they do they do do that don't do them they like they cook the meat in you know like, like Jack Daniel's ribs. I made that up. That sounds right though. That's real. I cook, I cook me pulled pork. Lucas ate Cuban sandwich. I cook me pulled pork in apple juice. That sounds like a wanking euphemism,

doesn't it? I cook my pulled pork. Yeah, we all did. In order to get to sleep. I cook it in apple juice with like loads of spices and shit. But maybe I'll jazz it up.

Maybe I will make it like cherry cocoa or something. Joe, when you do it, can you be more specific about the spices so people can cook along? Just put spices and that in it.

No, I think it's better if it's just like, I just jazz a few of these spices in and hope for the best because that's what cooking is. Cooking is supposed to be freer than recipes. When you like follow a recipe inch by inch, that's not the fun of cooking. The fun of cooking is experimenting

and make it just have a little woo. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to criticize that bit but you can't just stop grabbing spices randomly because i get it experimenting but madly just throwing shit in you're not going to be able to remember how you made the thing because if it may not be like oh this is a bit of pepper this but i won't be like i'll get an exact teaspoon i'll just be like jazz a bit of that in was a bit of that in yeah was a bit of this in was and was that can be your catchphrase fucking was it and was it you know because every like Just be like, jazz a bit of that in. Wazz a bit of that in. Yeah. Wazz a bit of this in. Oh, wazz and wuzz.

That can be your catchphrase. Fucking wazz it and wuzz it. You know, because every like, hacky sort of TV chef's got something about them. Fucking wazz it and wuzz it. I was thinking of having

like a catchphrase. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Gwah! Like that. Fucking hell, that's me eyebrows.

I think I'm going to end every video and that's a Ro recipe. No, no, no, no. We can work on that, mate. I like it. No, you don't. You're being facetious. That's a row recipe.

What is the recipe? I don't know. I don't write things down. I just grab the loads of things. There's some fucking cumin. There's a Milky Way. There's a dead pig. Diet Coke.

Diet Coke. Diet Coke. Fucking wet wipes. Yes, lad. Fucking Dan's eye drops. Nice. Yeah. That's a roll recipe. That's a roll recipe.

Oh, my God. I'm going to make Cuban sandwiches on Friday night just to get in the zone again. Can we work on Adam's sort of signature bit of flair fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it with Adam Rowe

do we have to call you chef I think we have to call you chef now don't we chef Rowe chef Adam chef Matt chef Rowe I think we have to call you chef now, don't we? Yeah. Chef, bro. Chef Adam. Chef Adam. Chef Matt. Chef Matt. Chef Matt.

Chef Matt. Chef bro. Chef mate sounds like a product, doesn't it? Sounds like Jack mate. Have you tried chef mate? It's your food state plan. Try chef mate. You can't have fuck it.

That's Dana White's, isn't it? What? Isn't it fuck it Friday? Dana White's. It's a literal thing. He'll have fuck it. Piss it. Piss it. Just piss. Piss. isn't it fuck it Friday Dina White is the literal thing piss it piss it

just piss piss better than piss that's a raw recipe it doesn't have piss in just to be we've been told legally we've got to say that

I've not pissed in the food what about fry it up right that's how you end it you are way better at stand up than thinking about fucking chef stings What about fry it up? Right. That's how you end it. You are way better at stand-up than thinking about fucking chef stings. Yeah. Cook it.

Turn it on. Grill it, you cunt. What if it's like a play on fuck something? So like, cook you. Cook you, lad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do that. Go cook yourself

yeah that's that's perfect suck my cook cook your man suck my fat cook suck my cook you can't do

go cook yourself why because it sounds like you've not turned anything on you've just got all the ingredients in it

DIY go cook yourself I'm not doing it it's fucking... Suck my cook. Suck my cook. Yeah. That sounds like one of the fetish websites

I've been cracking one out to. Just suck my cook. What if I just undercook everything and I call it cook me in the ass? Give everyone food poisoning. I'm not watching. Piss it. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I think this is gonna fuck just call it fuck off call it piss call it shit piss I like it

but I actually am gonna do this once no I'm gonna start it I think it's dead easy I need to cook more anyway because I've just been

eating out since February basically and I don't mean pussy because that's what you were thinking about haven't you been eating pussy since february yeah yeah i haven't been cooking it i have a lot of people need food but adam just needs pussy since february valentine's day i've just uh august i've just been yeah i've just been eating out a lot I've only cooked at my house once and I didn't really have much involvement in the cooking

I just watched someone else do it go cook yourself maybe that's the thing I get someone else to do the cooking and I watch them cook or maybe instead of asking them to come to you you could go to them,

and they've got like a restaurant or something, and then you go, go cook something. And they're like, yeah, what do you want? Specifically, you film it. Fucking genius. That new celebrity chef who just sits in restaurants ordering food is fucking clever. So what I've made here is...

Piss. Piss. He's got that catchphrase, hasn't he? Go fuck yourself with your cook. No, I am actually going to do it and I think it could be really good I'll put it under

the Hathaway banner no don't put it under another banner put it under the quiz banner it's a good banner I'm into it

don't you rag on the quiz sorry yeah I'm going to do it I think it could be really good I think there's so many cooking shows out there

for people who don't really like who are trying to be all fancy and perfect I think there needs to be a cookery

thing for the layman Jens for Jens Lehmann for retired German international goalkeepers Jens Lehmann is my target

yeah yeah if Jens Lehmann can cook it you can peace I've got one YouTube subscriber Jens Lehmann

48 year old German yeah this is good yeah cook it piss on it piss on my cooking

Adam Chef Adam is amazing Chef mate Chef mate yeah what would you be instead of Salt Bae? What would you be?

Piss Bae? I think you need to let go of the piss right now. Salt and Pepper Bae. I like both. They call him the praying mantis. Do you mean Mick Jagger? Salt and Pepper. Oh, God. Jens Lehmann. Shout out Jens Lehmann

Shout out Jens Lehmann I wonder how he's doing Get back to him you know Get back to everyone When we talk about them on this Right Yeah It got back to Gary Stables

Gary Horshouse Gary Horshouse Because he's the lad you went to school with I'm not sure No I work with him in Envy Oh right Okay cool Well yeah then it will

Get back to Jens Lehmann I work with him zealix jens lad you see what they're saying about you yeah you can't cook out of all days though if jens layman can cook it you can too the end of every meal piss the end of every reel can we get Jens Lehmann to be the official like on the ad

oh that'd be so good like George Foreman I got I got some topsoil delivered from Dandy's round our way and Mick

who delivered it I didn't notice it till today it's been sat there a week has put on the thing lovely grubbly he's put thanks for two years of laughter really appreciate it who delivered it. I didn't notice it till today. It's been sat there a week. Has put on the thing. Lovely grubbly. He's put,

thanks for two years of laughter. Really appreciate it because he's obviously seen my name and whatever. Dandy's have employed Dion Dublin as their... Dion Dublin? Looks like he's for sale. He's had quite the post-football career.

I think, weirdly though, if you're going to get a celebrity to be like hey Dion says Dandy's top sir is phenomenal why would you argue? I don't know it kind of works I think Jens Lehmann for your cooking channel

would be a nice ad Why are you trusting Dion Dublin to advise you on top sir? I know but it's I don't know I kind of like it's a good point fucking hell you're bald

talk to me about my lawn I think Dion Dublin's a good shout if you're selling I've never really understood the celebrity endorsements and obviously I do it like now I get like the odd like thing sent to me

and it's like put it on your story and then people buy it because you're wearing it I don't really get it when you walk past like a poster and it's like David Gandhi and he's like

Hugo Boss that's what I and he's like Hugo Boss that's what I wear right got a Hugo Boss good strap line there it's like yeah David Gandhi looks good

Hugo Boss advertising listen smell good get a Hugo Boss no but he's like a Hugo Boss like clothing model as well isn't he

yeah and it's like just because he looks good in it doesn't mean you're gonna I know but that but that's what we've been doing that for

literally generation after generation like beautiful people film stars whatever selling that top I like the cringy lower levels

it'd be so much better to just have Freddie Quinn in it though and then like I'd walk past him and be like fucking hell if Freddie looks that good in it imagine how good I'm going to look right but what if he looked like Freddie Quinn in a Hugo Boss suit

I think that's what they're worried about yeah but that would give all the hope, wouldn't it? What? Funniest celebrity endorsements. Ozzy Osbourne, I can't believe it's not butter. By the way, there's a picture of Brad Pitt there. And last week I watched the film Meet Joe Black for the first time.

Have you seen it? Oh, yeah. What did you think of it? Meet Joe Black. I mean, i watched it ages ago but he's an angel isn't he oh no he's he's dead he's dead of course he's dead spoiler alert if you haven't watched that film from 1996 you missed the fucking boat i actually really enjoyed it for what it was in the end but i was so confused at first because for some reason i

thought it was like a psychological thriller and it isn't very touchy feely he does oh hang on anthony hopkins isn't it yeah oh it's a fucking good film yeah i know it's kind of not it's great at what it's trying to be but if you go in expecting seven and then you get meet joe black it's quite confusing at first no spoilers dan i've just remembered the end the ending's lovely oh fantastic oh my god what the fuck are you doing watching meet joe black as someone told me i should watch it so i watched it oh yeah i cried it's oh it got me really good at the end however he does a jamaican accent to a dying woman. And honestly, proper Rastafari. It is.

I've never, ever, ever laughed at a non comedy moment in a film more than this. She goes,

she goes, what are you doing here, bad man? And he goes, don't worry, darling. Just Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt.

Everything gonna be irie. He goes, no, no, you got bad juju on your mind. Why you come here for the hospital and shit? He's like, nah, sister, I'll be-i-ry. Yeah, it's, when you're not expecting Brad Pitt to do a Jamaican accent, it hit me like a fucking steam train. I'm just remembering it.

I'm just remembering it Because he talks Dead normally He's dead confused By everything He's like Ooh Ice cream I've never had ice cream

Peanut butter Oh that's it Peanut butter He goes round Eating peanut butter Off a spoon For the whole film He's like

Oh that is nice Mmm yeah I'm gonna stay here For a while And Anthony Hopkins Is fucking brilliant in it The bit in the hospital When he goes to see

And then there's The old Jamaican lady like, what are you doing here, mama? She's looking at him like, I know who you are. She's got a feeling. She's like, oh no, he's coming to take me. I'm grande. How you doing, sister?

That's what she says though. And then he goes, nah, don't worry about it. Everything's going to be irie. He kills her he goes nah spoilers you got no sister fuck off

can't cook won't cook piss it that's what he said honestly swear down here's a question I got asked in a

coffee shop the other day what's the first film you cried at we were not finished with Jamaican Brad Pitt what's the what's the first film you ever cried at

click same that was my answer as well but at different parts I'm not finished with Jamaican Brad Pitt. What's the first film you ever cried at? Click. Same. That was my answer as well. But at different parts for me and you, wasn't it? Yeah. For me, when he's in the street. I cry when he's remote, won't we? Because I've been there.

Spin the batteries! No, when he's in the street, when his dad's dying. It's when his dad leaves, like he goes to take me to the last time I see my dad. And when his dad's leaving his office and he's... Ignoring him. It's just, yeah. That got me, like...

What about you? Herbie goes bananas. Because it reminded me of Sheffield. When my cart rolled down a hill. It's a fucking nightmare. Can I... I feel it's a fucking nightmare I'm not paid it off do you cry at stuff a lot like films and art never

you're a Simpsons fan has Simpsons ever got you Simpsons has got me yeah a lot of times I wouldn't cry at a cartoon I don't think I think I'd be able

to get past the fact it's a cartoon I didn't cry but I was like ah fuck do think. I think I'd be able to get past the fact it's a cartoon. I didn't cry, but I was like, ah, fuck. Do you remember the substitute teacher? I was going to say that. Mr. Er... Was it Dustin Hoffman? I can't remember who was the substitute teacher.

Mr. Er? Isn't that Michael Jordan? Ah, piss. Mr. Er... Bergstrom. Mr. Lover Lover. Oh, yeah. Mr. Bergstrom.

Yeah, that got me. When he's on the train. I've had a few little weepy... Yeah, because Lisa loves him. Oh, yeah. Lean Bergstrom. Yeah, that got me. When he's on the train. I've had a few little weepy... Yeah, because Lisa loves him. Oh, yeah. Lean Gums Murphy was sad. Yeah. I get lost in stuff.

I've told you this before, like when I'm watching a film or like... Music as well. Music does get to me. It really, like a good lyric. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. We've heard all about it

on the recent Patreon exclusive. Or like music that reminds me of like someone like does you know what I mean

yeah but also like I've told you this before when I'm watching a film or a series I'm in it aren't I in my head I'm like the lead

that's a literature that's a literal I can't think of the word literature true that's why you feel sadness that's why if you watch a dog a film what's a dog that dies if you think of the word, literature trope. That's why you feel sadness. That's why if you watch a film about a dog that dies, if you've got a dog, it's more sad.

Because you can relate to it. Yeah, I just put myself into the situation that the characters are in. Who was your first ever heartbreak? Because when I split up with Nikki, my first girlfriend, I listened to just music on, and it was like they'd written it just for me, Matt. It was like someone was pulling at my heart and you hit, it's the same thing as like they say you don't even notice

that there's like adverts for mattresses on until you want a mattress and then all of a sudden you're well aware of all these adverts for beds and mattresses. It's the same with like sad music. You don't feel it or you've you're unaware of it until you felt heartbreak and then you're like oh my god yeah that's what i was talking about the other day on the patreon episode about music and getting involved in it and it pulls on you country music does that for me more than anything else um have you not cried at a film ever marley and me as well

because i i've cried at um what was the first one though can you remember i don't know i went i cry so i am such a little fucking i'm such a fanny for tearing up at films like it's just a regular thing it's not like oh i can remember that one time i don't know i'm a big soft twat deep down me yeah like genuinely like i'm a proper big softy And then becoming a parent just gives you a new layer of... What are you shaking your head for, Phineas? Finn? Don't strike me as that. I'm just like, I feel like I'm with Carl.

I've cried once in my life at a film. What? No, no. I'd say twice. I'd say Marley and me and Click are the memorable ones. But ones where... I know I don't strike people as it,

by the way. I was talking to Alfie about this recently. We were talking about a certain thing. And Alfie was like, oh, you're actually just a big soft lad, really, aren't you? And I was like, yeah. He was like, I don't think people really know that until they actually know you.

No, but you're like an emotional hedgehog. I'm like a big, sad wolf. You're very prickly on the outside. You can be very prickly, but inside, you're all tender. I'm like a wolf who's lost his job. No, you're a hedgehog. Have seen jojo rabbit yeah yeah yeah the the so i've got the last um paragraph printed in me in my living room that's that's me because there's a rabbit but the end of it that gets me like yeah i um yeah i'm a bit i've been very emotional i'm bad for that i go to laura i'm like get to me like etta's noticed it as well when we're watching stuff because a lot of the kids films have got

like disney if you're watching disney films hey i've got emotional in the montage no one's even said anything during the part of when she mate, if you would have to have a stone heart. The thing is, I didn't cry it up. I can't get emotionally invested in cartoons like that. I just can't.

Like, I still enjoy them. I really like watching them. The Lion King's one of my favourite films. I really love it. But, I think it's because I'm not a cartoon. But you understand.

God, that is so first read, innit? Yeah. I'm not a cartoon. But you understand. God, that is so first read, innit? Yeah. I'm not a cartoon. That can't be me. As much as I look like the kid from before. Yeah, but you're also not, like, you know, a fucking talking cat, are you? So it makes sense.

Like, because a lot of the Disney characters are also, like, animals and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not... No, but the people, aren't they? The depictions of people, you can still go, oh my God, imagine that was me when I was old. I'd live my entire life with this woman.

Yeah, but if it's cartoon, my brain just doesn't do that for me. Oh, mate. I just do not... Up got me. ...lose myself in cartoons the same way. Oh, that's so sad, mate. Fuck me.

It's getting me now. Yeah. Yeah, that was... I watched that with my heavily pregnant sister in a cinema that was a she was full of she came to Manchester really like

just in that third trimester where it's just you're just waiting for the birth to happen full of fucking hormones and then all of a sudden we're watching a

can't have a baby oh she's died you're old montage I just looked to the side and Kate was in fucking buckets of tears yeah

yeah I love a good love a good cry mate nothing wrong with it Wally as well when he loses her when you can't find him in a bar yeah

it's the beach one why does he why does he keep going to crowded places it's the beach one every time I look at the beach one and he's behind the hut places? It's the beach one Every time I look at the beach one And he's behind the hut And it looks like the fella next to him

Kills me Where's Wally? Is that still fucking going? Yeah For stupid kids I mean have they not been tempted To just do like a massive one And then just never put Wally in

Being like have you got Have you got to the end of that one? There's a prank book you can buy Where there is no Wally There's no Wally on any of the pages. I think I'd clock that after two. Someone should get murdered for that. Fucking hell.

Clocking after two? When I was like, oh, there's not one on that one either, then I put it in the bin. Look, you're pranking me. Yeah. Do you remember the first film when you were a kid where you got really scared? I used to... I once hid in the bathroom crying because my dad wouldn't turn the music video of michael jackson's thriller off it's frightening it's frightening i remember seeing that for the

first time yeah i was terrified of it i wouldn't leave the bathroom when michael jackson turns into a werewolf yeah the first bit, even before they're doing the like the dancing bit. He's so intense. He's looking through your soul through the camera. The way he changes and then chases her. When you watch that as a kid.

That's the way he's looking at it. He's like, I'm going to fucking murder you, you fucking bitch. I don't remember that being a... It's the subtitles. Boom, boom. Kill you,'s the subtitles. Boom, boom. Kill you, you cunt.

Boom, boom. Mine, me brother used to watch Red Dwarf when I was little, and the music for that still, like, triggers something in my head. Don't know why. The music for Red Dwarf, it's cold outside, there's no type of atmosphere. I'm all alone. No, like the music, not the song bit.

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Yeah. Yeah. You must have been dead young then. Yeah. I still get emotional like that with heartbeat with the music because it reminds me- Going to bed.

Going to bed for school the next day. No, mate. If you hear that music, it's over, isn't it? Yeah. I wish green gas on this cunt. The weekend's over if green gas is on the telly. You're getting in the bath. Yeah.

You're getting a bath and you're going to school tomorrow And you can't play footy all day Fuck Greengrass We had an audio book Of Puff the Magic Dragon And there was the voice of like And I That fucked me up as a little kid

I've got a memory of crying Did you ever play The first Metal Gear Solid Yeah Resident Evil 4 Oh my god Terrifying That's a scary game though isn't it?

Wasn't there an age restriction on that? Yeah but That's a scary game Grand Theft Auto as well Yeah I know Do you know when you were a kid And you went on porn websites And it was like are you over 18?

Did you be like no Don't let me in I've got some I've got some I've got some absolute hounding news here but yeah he was never below the age of 18

in Portland yeah and I've just tried to do it yeah I was scared of a puff the magic dragon audio book and you were like

yeah yeah yeah I saw a man get decapitated on a fucking game I was like oh yeah we lived in different eras puff the magic

dragon I was murdered and prostituted to get me $20 back from the age of eight. Well, tell me about the computer game. Then you go home and turn the game on. Clip it. The phone ringing on Metal Gear Solid 1,

that triggers me as well. Because I probably used to play it in the dark. I think people with older brothers have had more chance to be fucked up because you've got someone 10 years older than you. 15. 15 years older than you. Yeah, so he was watching.

Yeah. I just fucking... I was. Oh, yeah. I remember Robocop. I think I've mentioned mentioned this before but my mom got me robocop i had uh chicken pox on my ninth birthday and she asked me what i wanted from the from blockbuster and i asked for robocop and she stupidly gave me robocop and i watched it alone the bit where he gets shot what's the fucking policeman called in Robocop before he becomes Robocop there's a scene when he he gets shot and it felt to me like he was getting shot for about

quarter of an hour he was going no and they're like Alex James Murphy oh my god AJM this someone will be agreeing with me here it's the most over the top someone getting shot scene he's literally they're like all of the bad guys are going and he's going no and they're shooting through his hand and i was nine years old with chicken pox like i can't fucking handle it i cried my eyes out shat me up so Finn said. So we've all said things that, you know, are mainstream. The hanging of Saddam Hussein. Because he knew your dad. Yeah.

No, the, my, it was when you said about an older brother. I was like, yeah, my brother, my older brother,

like, fucked me up, like, with, with that sort of shit. So he's like, he's four years older than me. So when he was like, 12, I'm sure it was going around the high school. So I was eight. So he's like, he's four years older than me. So when he was like 12,

I'm sure it was going on the high school. So I was eight. And I remember seeing Saddam Hussein, that video. Also Scream. I watched Scream one when I was like six. I've told you this story before. My cousin, so I've got two cousins, Danny and Sean. I've got an older sister as well.

But Sean babysat Danny once, and Danny hates horror films. And Sean made him watch Scream, then put him to bed, and then put a Scream mask on and woke him up. Yeah, that's... I mean, that's beyond bullying, isn't it? It's like...

It's funny as fuck, though. How old was he? So Sean, I think, is like three years older than Danny. So Sean would have been like 16 and Danny's like 13. Oh, okay. He's not like seven or... I was seven when I was screened. Right, yeah.

You've been fucked up there, eh? Yeah. The first scene they get... I remember this. One of the core memories is someone getting turned inside out. That's what I remember from that. In screen? I think it's in screen.

I thought you were talking about Saddam Hussein. Yeah, no, no, no. Someone done a step over? God. Oh, mate. Those videos that went round like, oh, have you seen Ken Bigley's execution? You're like, no.

I can't watch that sort of thing. It's fucking grim. Snuff videos make me sick I saw a joke Yeah the snuff I can still picture I got sort of Oh I know

Tricked into watching one In the McDonald's staff room On a break And it was called Two guys one hammer One hammer yeah The pregnant woman What?

The pregnant woman Honestly I I've never watched it I find it hard to talk about it so how old were you when you when you watched that 16

yeah because I think that's the if you this is what I'm talking about older brothers and especially with the internet there is if you are a cunt and you're like 14, 15

and you've got access to stuff like this and you've got younger brothers if you're a dick about it you could be seriously fucking people up by making them watch it affected me bad and i was 16 yeah it was i was in the mcdonald's um staff break room and someone was like have you seen this funny video just keep watching and it's like they're running through like i think it's like field i've never seen it but you've told me about it and they've got a hammer

and they just literally smash someone's face in with it. And I was like, they're like, no, keep watching. And I was like, what happens to make this funny? And then they were like, ah, she's dead. Like, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. I can pick off. But let me just tell you, that audio book of Puff the Magic Dragon

was pretty bad as well, guys. So listen, it's different. It is different, but it was pretty harrowing. I had a really homophobic one from back in the day called Dragon the Magic Puff. Let's talk about Nord. Nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use promo code have a word.

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month for free. A free threat protection. It's completely risk free with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee. Get on it. Promo code have a word nice one get on me second section second section just want to can we just have a little round of applause for finn who's ordering a dominoes we've also oh you know what before we start this night he booked flights

for the holiday we're taking him on and you know he doesn't get the credit he deserves. Round the end. And he's had enough. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Grabbing a mic. Grabbing a mic. He's had enough. All I said was, can I check everyone's order? And then you fucking children

were booting off. All I'm doing is checking everyone gets the right food because if the food comes and then it's not right, you boot off at me. We've put our orders in the group, Finn. Just read it. I'm just checking.

Read it against it. I have. I have. I'm just checking in case people have changed their minds because occasionally it comes and then you're like, oh no, actually I wanted this instead.

It's okay. Is it about a year since you've worked here? We need a progress report. It's 18 months. Finn, and I'm going to tell you this, we've both been talking about five months. We've been talking about this, but you know, your bosses, going to tell you this, we've both been talking about five months. We've been talking about this, but you know, your bosses,

Colin included, you need to be more assertive. I'm trying. And if I do, then I get... If I'm too soft, then you complain. If I fucking put my foot down, then you complain. I know, but there's a middle spot.

There's not. There's a middle spot. There's not. There's a middle spot. Get it right, but just have the confidence to do the order. If you don't say honey and mustard dip, I will flick you in the testicles.

I will take it off. Oh, assertive. Finn, Finn. Take the honey and mustard dip off. Just take it off. Take it off. Do you know what? The way you spoke to Finn there was bang out of all that.

Now, in your defence, he shouldn't have called you a big cunt Just before we started recording When he looked you in the eye and called you a big Hat wearing cunt That was bang out of order that But you spoke to him badly as well I'm not complaining about my job

I love my job All I'm saying is All I said was can I check the order with you That's literally all I said Alright I'm not a gynecologist Put your vagina away All I said was, can I check the order with you? That's literally all I said. Oh, my God. All right. I'm not a gynecologist. Put your vagina away. Leave it out.

All right. Fucking out. Right. American hot, medium, no onions. No. Whoa. Yeah, that's mine. I want wedges with it and a Diet Coke.

I'm coming to it. Skip to the end. Right. That one is fine. Okay. Dr. Pepper. Me. Yes.

Diet Coke. Two of them yes one come on a normal coke yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yes two twisted cheese dough balls yes seven chicken strippers oh lord two honey and mustard dips i swear to god there will be vengeance upon you and your kin yeah but if it doesn't come then it's not my fault because I'm ordering it. Oh my God. There has to be honey and mustard dip. Otherwise I need you to make some. You're half Turkish.

You know how to. I'm allergic to honey. Right. Half and half. Texas barbecue. American hot. Cool. Got it.

Hot and spicy. No jalapeno peppers, but pork meatballs. Made me make my ass funny. Seven chicken kickers Me A large garlic and herb dip Me Yeah

Everyone happy Where's me fucking wings Did you actually Oh the wings Oh I tell you what Oh no actually I forgot to put them

In the group Can I have some wings please I thought it's Add them to a fucking tea Garlic and herb dip Where's my I will fucking Oh no I forgot that

Alright Finn's doing a good job here. Okay, and then I'll need someone to approve the painting, please. All right, Finn, we're bored of it. Come on, mate. Come on. Come on. Well done, Finn.

Oh, well done, Finn. Fucking reading, typing, clicking. Oh. No, I don't want to. I've got staff. Punch him, Finn. I'll hold him. My tour starts.

My tour starts this week. I've got one final preview on Wednesday the 31st in Preston that's got tickets for Stale. Tour starts in Belfast on Saturday the 3rd. There's still a few tickets left. And the evening show in Dublin on Sunday the 4th is sold out. But there is a 4 p.m. show because that one sold out so early. So my tour starts this way.

I'm so fucking excited. I've been talking about it for ages. Here we are, previewed it 98 times, all sorts of shitholes. We're finally here. So dannightingale.com for tickets. But Belfast Saturday, Sunday afternoon in Dublin, and then we kick it off. Fucking hell. holes we're finally here so uh dan nightingale.com for tickets but belfast saturday sunday afternoon in dublin and then we kick it off fucking hell you excited i am i'm really i think i seen your

preview obviously last week and i just think you know for you to have put this out of stand up together which is essentially the way i would describe it is you know a reply and a tirade against the woke pc culture that is rumored and comedy i'm just that's me man i'm just taking it because you can't say anything these days no but i tell you what when you're in a sandbatch previewing yeah he's just not holding back every minority is getting it oh yeah every slayer said filipinos even the majority to get oh the whites are getting it mate i'm actually bigger on the majorities. You know why?

Easier target. Yeah. And I take that target down. What's with? People are like, oh, the minorities are an easy target. No, the whites are. There's more of them.

You just shoot your fucking banter gun. Ah! Marjorie. So. Isn't that what Michael McIntyre did on PTK?

What? Just shot the big targets. Yeah. They did it very well though, didn't they? No, I'm saying they didn't do it very well, but that's what PTK. What? Just shot the big targets. Yeah. They did it very well though, didn't they? No, I'm saying they didn't do it very well, but that's what they did. They pandered to the woke bullshit

that's out there. Yeah, totally. Oh, garlic bread. What about garlic trans bread? That's what I'm doing. I'm doing trans snacks. Focaccia, that one's to be a loaf. Focaccia?

Yeah. Fuck off. Piss it. Piss it.en's layman my next tour is my next tour is called piss it with jen's layman all about trans snacks yeah cheese cake two things those two things shouldn't go together but what about trans cheesecake you're welcome. See you on tour next year. Tickets still available.

They're not on sale. Looking forward to it. DanNightingale.com So... Garlic trans bread. I think I might have to get some merch. Can someone okay

the payment for Domino's, please? Oh, it's important, isn't it? It's not come up on my thing. Oh, it's not come up on mine either. Right, good. Good podcast. Good podcasting. It's actually not fair.

Get some snacks. I don't know what you want me to do about that. Steven Bird says, just a quick question, and I thought with the fringe just coming to an end, if you, oh, sorry, sorry. This is from Cathal Caloo. Who? Come on.

Caloo Calay. Cathal Caloo. Broad Chelsea player. Cathal Caloo. Yep. Right, so what we're doing with these names, because I feel like we could be racially insensitive if we're like, well, ah, where are you fucking from?

Somewhere different, that's fine. But are they making them up though? Because Cathal Caloo. Now, Capple Pow is everyone's new favourite, you know, dish and threat. Yep.

Fucking Capple Pow your head off. But Cathal Caloo seems, anyway. Well, that's a quick one here. Would you consider comics that use PowerPoint a prop comic? What's your opinions on the use of PowerPoint in comedy? Love the pod.

Keep up the mighty banter pathetic crutch wielding twats that's what I think erm with the fringe

going on right now pathetic let me just okay this dominoes have you okayed it yeah is there a code no

erm so yeah the PowerPoint comics at the fringe it's a big thing did matt you saw matt ewing's last week didn't you absolutely brilliant powerpoint yeah i love it yeah i don't think that's i'm being a dick uh it's it's a it's a i think people don't understand how eclectic our tastes in comedy are because we're very you know we're not a million miles away from what each other does really it's a man with a mic talking

and that is my favourite type of stand-up but I love good musical comedy and multimedia comedy like Matt Ewan's with PowerPoint and stuff I think it's I think he's excellent yeah At the Fringe

particularly at the Fringe you're going up to see you want a variety of type of performer don't you it doesn't matter what your favourite stand-up is you wouldn going up to see you want a variety of type of performer don't you it doesn't matter what your favourite stand up is you wouldn't want to watch

show after show of the same that's the beauty of the fringe it's just a really concentrated performance space for loads of different people to do exceptional

do you remember David Brent no from the office from the office what was oh Trent David Trent David Trent

oh fucking hell sorry David David Trent came I remember seeing Oh, fucking hell. Sorry, David. David Trent came, I remember seeing him in and around when I first saw sort of Acaster coming through and Nick Helm

and David Trent was all PowerPoint. But when it's done brilliantly, it's amazing. I have seen some pretty cynical circuit comedians who are getting bored

of their stuff and all of a sudden ask for a PowerPoint thing. Sometimes that can be a big wank. Have you ever thought about doing it? I did it in 2012. I did a show about all the bad ideas I'd had for shows and I got an Edinburgh poster made for each of the shows.

It worked. It was good. You can tell the crowds appreciate it sometimes because they've watched loads of shows where people have just talked at them for an hour which can get a bit samey I think

so if someone's got a good show with some good stand up in and they've also got visuals I don't think people mind it but I don't I wouldn't consider myself a brilliant PowerPoint comic

I was just trying to change what I was doing up a little bit and it worked I thought about using it for, you know, when the thing happened with the car crash out in McDonald's and like the Twitter storm after that.

I thought about doing a routine about the reaction to that. And I would need to show the audience the tweets, like the most ridiculous ones that came from it. And I thought about using it for that, but then I just couldn't be arsed. I don't want to have to turn up with a projected order.

I just want to do what I want to do yeah totally if you were going to do I could see that being a really interesting little one man show

of like if you could be bothered then if you're trying to tell a very specific story maybe it would only be half an hour long or whatever but the powerpoint

would definitely add to that I'm not against it man I've seen some fucking brilliant powerpoint comics remember rob bryden when he first broke through before he became no rob bryden's first live at the apollo was powerpoint on live i didn't know that and it was his relationship advice he was he was playing a character and he was like a marriage counsellor. Right, yeah. And he had the advice on the boards, and it was brilliant. I have seen so many dogshit versions of that kind of thing, where guys who haven't worked out how to do stand-up are trying to prop themselves up with, like,

okay, I've got visuals. If you're a great stand-up, you're very, very funny, and you've got the PowerPoint, then you're flying. Yes. Cool. Do you got another question dan chris is um chris has asked for some weird advice and he's actually labeled his own question nonced or not nonced uh that is the question he says chris says i was talking to my missus the other day and the subject came up about ex-partners, et cetera. Not exactly the greatest conversation to have,

but Hey, ho, I can casually mentioned that I got with my babysitter when I was 11. She was sort of 16 or 17 at the time. Pretty fair, at least to. What's this fellow's name again? It's a J car,

right? Chris. Okay, cool. Cause I just might've been a lad that me and Carl know. It's a J-Cart ride. Chris. Okay, cool. Why? Because I just might have been a lad that me and Carl know. And we would basically get off with each other, a bit of touching, but not full sex.

Now, my missus looked at me shocked and said, you do realise you've been nonced? I looked back and said, no, I didn't, because I enjoyed it. It was good. After discussions with a few mates, they're on my side. One of them, we'll call him Gooey, even asked for a number,

said it would have been great to have been in that situation. Pete, let's just stop this. Gooey, what kind of fucking psycho were you that you were like, yeah, when was this? 10 years ago. Nice one. You're 21.

And then you're ringing a 28-year-old going, you're right. My name's Gooey. Do you like kissing 11-year-olds? So my question to you guys is was i nonced or not yes you were yeah legally that's because you were happy about it doesn't mean it wasn't a bad thing like and also like i'm sorry but he's lying this is such a classic thing for a 21 year old to rise into his i don't know i'm not i'm not i don't know if he's 21 i just guessed like he's oh yeah when i was 11 i fucked the baby since that

it's possible it's just such a classic lad lie i don't it's not possible it is possible it isn't why 17 you know why why isn't it why social status wouldn't you love to be able to say you fucked the babysitter when you were 11 i die for that i get i get i get the thought but why as an adult are you talking to your girlfriend and just honestly going oh yeah let her know he's got options what what what is a time traveling 11 year old i don't see where the brag is there There's no brag. Like, I think he's basically... He's like, I've been fucking since day dot love, so fucking watch yourself.

Right, they didn't fuck. They just snogged. Oh. That's... It was explained in the thing. I love it how you two cunts can't listen. You're like... He's definitely like, what?

I don't see why it's a lie. I just... I think it's... My natural instinct is to call bullshit on that why it's a lie. I just, I think it's, my natural instinct is to call bullshit on that because it's, I, there's- We know somebody who has said stuff like this. Yeah, but when he was 11. No, but he's always being like this. No, but I mean, I get it.

If you're 11 and you're making the, if you're doing the lie, but I just feel like this is an honest adult sort of like- Yeah, that probably is. With the kiss, it's probably true. I think he was like... What happened to your mate? Oh, my God.

He disappeared on a night out once and come back and told us he just fingered a girl on the dance floor, but he put a Johnny on his fingers. In meat. The old... Is he called Gooey? No. He once volleyed a mop bucket through a 14th floor window

and shouted Gerrard as he did it. Yeah. And that's the story he told you after the fact? No, I was there. Oh, right. Okay. And he once spent a long time really, really revising for his GCSEs or A-levels. Really revising.

But he was embarrassed that he was being a bit of a nerd. So he told us he'd been on a kickboxing camp in Thailand. For a month? He went, well, boys boys i'm going to thailand doing a bit of you know jiu-jitsu training gonna be about a month you know right yeah that's hard didn't it came back not there's not one photograph of this man in thailand but he's got a tattoo on his belly and that was how he sold the lie yeah praying hands tattooed on his belly he was like i got that in thailand lads right but he'd just been revising his A-levels for two weeks.

What an amazing fucking bullshitter. He's a fantastic friend to just have around. He once kicked a woman up the arse, a girl, because we were in a club, to flirt with her. And when she was like, what are you doing? He went, lesbian. Right. He doesn't sound that fantastic.

Yeah, so is he just a bullshitter? Yeah. Or is he just a nutcase? He's both. Your mate. I'll tell you what, here's the thing. He's either a bullshitter or he went to Thailand for a month to a kickboxing camp and never took a single one. Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, that's definitely bullshit. Both. Right. Going back to Chris, just in case you aren't lying, I don't really see why you would, you definitely got nonced. Yeah, you did get nonced.

That's 100% nonced. And you liked it. I reckon if I was in his situation, I'd tell that story fondly, I think. That doesn't mean it's not wrong. Oh, it's definitely wrong. Yeah. It's awful.

It's awful. It's awful. I'm 11 years old. 11. It's disgusting. It's a baby. Because if it was the other way around, you would like,

this is the beautiful contradiction of being a lad in it. Yeah. Because it's an 11-year-old lad and a 16, 17-year-old girl. Everyone's like, bloody hell, that's bad. Players gon' play. Fucking wish it was me though. Nice.

Nice. They were cheeser. But if it was the other way around, you'd want to string them up. Yeah. So, but we've, we've called bullshit on you,

mate. Sorry. Wag wag lids, bit of advice. In desperate need for advice, this is from RP, which is her initials. And you lads seem to be the best people to ask.

I'm 22. my fiance is 25 been together three and a half years now engaged for one for a year in the last six months i've noticed he's watching porn i had a feeling he was doing it and then i borrowed his phone to search for something and it was in his history i didn't say anything at the time not long after i caught him red-handed as it came up on my Bluetooth in the car as the last thing he watched and started playing through the speakers. And that's an

amateur fucking mistake by the 25-year-old fiancé. I know he has a good Tommy Tank in the bathroom when I'm home. It makes me feel weird as I don't understand the logic behind it.

As an insecure lady, I think it's because he's missing something in our sex life or he finds whatever he's watching more attractive than what we do. I do overthink though. You

let's talk about it quite openly on the pod. All your porn habits and what's not and what not. So I was wondering if you could just explain to me and let me know if you think I have anything to worry about because he just shut me down when I asked him about it. Is it normal for a guy in a long term relationship to want to get his end

away to porn? Is it something I a guy in a long-term relationship to want to get his end away to porn? Is it something I'm doing wrong? Please put my mind at ease. Oh my God. That's from a lady. Sometimes men want to come without worrying about

someone else having a nice time as well. Everyone watches, Celica watches porn. It doesn't bother me. Go give a fuck. It doesn't matter. Sometimes I just want to be like,

sometimes it's a chore. That's what I think She doesn't understand And a lot of people Like there's a lot of girls Like this Stress relief It's just like Sometimes I'm just like

I don't want to come I need to come It's like eating Sometimes you just need a butty I don't want to go For a fucking meal That's right That's literally it

Sometimes you just all you need is a pack of the crisp just give me some quavers yeah a bad job by the fiance for shutting it down I think that's part

of the problem isn't it he should have just went yeah do watch porn yeah yeah I think I think a lot of this could have been sorted out by going yeah just

by just doing a version of what Adam's just said if you go no fuck off. And it's going to, she's obviously insecure about it. And he's a poor communicator, which is very important in a relationship.

You have to be able to communicate really well. Just be like, lad, I want some crisps. Jargon. I suppose the only thing that could matter is what porn he's watching. That's it. Like if he's watching something like insane that she can't provide them.

But that doesn't seem like it. It seems like she's just more freaked out by the porn. I do... It's so normal. It's so, so, so normal. It's not you. It's literally everyone. Yeah.

It's literally everyone. Don't worry about it. Yeah. You could always offer to wank them off. But that's... You don't want that either. Sometimes...

But just offer. I'd say someone feels... You can watch it. You can watch it, but I want to be there. But you've famously said you fucking hate handjobs yeah i don't hate no that's wrong i don't hate handjobs i mean i just when it came up last time you were pretty vehement against yeah yeah but like i think pussy and assholes got mentioned yeah yeah of course because that's that's my problem i don't hate them they're so nice

yeah anyone any woman touching your cock with any sort of intent is wonderful regardless of what she's doing right yeah an accidental touch is not as fun is it yeah exactly you're fucking mental she's like hey oh god whatever she is i just tripped up and grabbed your dick but like for me it's just like what are we doing here We're wasting each other's time If you're doing that I'll be quicker Get your arsehole out Yeah

Yeah It's a bit sexy If she's doing it Isn't it Yeah It should be Yeah but Just

Look There's so much more we could be doing If we're gonna If we're gonna do it together Yeah You know what I mean Get off with your arse Yeah And that's how you ask for it Head shoulders Look, there's so much more we could be doing. If we're going to do it together. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can be off with your ass.

Yeah. And that's how you ask for it. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Mouth, pussy, bum, all ears. Ear. Nostrils, mouth, any. Yeah.

Just. It's so normal. Yeah. It sounds like. I've got my own hand. I haven't got a pussy and I can't reach my own arsehole. Fact. I mean, it's just a fact, isn't it?

Would you? I'm gone. You're not being able to reach your own arsehole is the only problem. Would you shag yourself up the arse? I don't know, do I? I do. No, you don't. No, you don't.

You will never, ever, ever be able to tell me that you wouldn't do it until you've had the opportunity. But we're going to be suspicious if you don't. You will never, ever, ever be able to tell me that you wouldn't do it until you've had the opportunity. But we're going to be suspicious if you start yoga. Adam's really getting into it. No, wait. If you could, you would sit and shag yourself. I don't know.

And neither do you. And neither do you. Steve doesn't know anything and Dan doesn't know either. I wouldn't shag myself up the arse. You've got no idea. I've never tried because I don't want to. No, you've never tried because it seems so beyond the realms of possibility.

This isn't on TikTok, is it? I love it when Adam argues a point. You don't know. How can you not know if you just sat there and you're like, fucking hell. I feel the same way when a politician takes a bung, right? And everyone has a go with them. And I'm like, yeah, they've done a bad thing.

I'd never do that. It's like, well, you don't know because you're not a politician and no one's offered you a bung. That's so the same, though. What? Someone giving you money or shag yourself up your ass. Just until you've been in a position to be corrupted or fuck yourself in the ass,

you don't know whether you're capable of either but you do know that you're not capable of it unless your erection's gone really badly wrong no when I say capable I mean willing it'd have to be on backwards

wouldn't it your dick because it points that way you'd have to like you know what I mean it'd have to go all the way over your head or that

or it'd have to like your dick it'd have to go through your legs like the other way so I hope that's answered your question mate you know what i mean you have to go all the way over your head not all that or it'd have to like you'd have to go through your legs yeah like the other way so i hope that's answered your question mate you know i know you're insecure but you there's other things to be insecure about because if your fiancee could fuck his own arse maybe you would i he was having a child love it hi rp. I've walked in, he was bumming himself. And I'm just worried that, is it because I can't bum myself and he can't bum me?

I don't know. Well, we helped. Can we have some dominoes, please? Yeah. Is that all right? Hello, guys. We want to talk to you about Manscaped.com. It is the smooth sack summer with Manscaped.com,

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You don't want any smelly pubes. Stop it. You don't want to be sniffing your pubes. Just, that's it. Nice one. Do you know what? The other day, I went back to the very start of Hathaway videos on my phone because I was just having a little,

I was hungover and having a little nostalgia look and i remembered because i often forget at the start i made up all of the mcferry's here by the way oh yeah mcferry's here hello um i'm when we first started doing this the questions that we got written in were not written in i just made them up like for the first six weeks because we didn't have the listenership we were dominoes on a wednesday yeah yeah people were like that was such a funny one i was like that i sat there going that's too good because we no one was emailing in we had to make up our own fucking is that the one who's like i live with someone a student who gets dominoes on a wednesday yeah was that fake yeah yeah i made that up that yeah. That's so funny. Before Carl worked here,

he was living in Japan and he was a listener of the podcast. But he's just found out this second that we made that up. Seen behind the curtain, Mick, and I don't like it. Yeah, what part of Japan were you in? Nagoya. Yeah, been there.

Have you gigged there? I've never heard it. I've never heard it. Mick's gigged everywhere. It's a business city Very central But an hour and a half From Tokyo

Have you ever been to Japan? I've not It's one place I'd love to go though Yeah I'd love to go Were you planning to come weren't you? Were you going to go yeah You had a book didn't you?

Yeah With Finnair yeah Yeah and it took them About six months To refund me flight You've been to You've gigged in China don't you? I've gigged in China yeah

That was Where in China? He's massive in China Shanghai I'm huge in China I'm just? You've been to, you've gigged in China, don't you? I've gigged in China, yeah. That was, that was. Where in China? He's massive in China. Shanghai. I'm huge in China. I'm just huge. Physically, I am actually huge

in China. Oh my God! I am. Hong Kong, Lantau Island, I went to see the Buddha because I'm fat. It was pretty funny.

Watching Buddies walk past me on the stairs, the size of me walking up. One guy just shouted, I won't do the accent, but he shouted, he's going to have a heart attack. As I was walking up,

there's a big steep flight of stairs in Lantau in Hong Kong to go and see a big Buddha on the top. So when they saw a fat man walking up to see a Buddha, they just kept pointing and laughing very openly. Different culture. His stand-up... He's back! Yeah.

He's reincarnated! Is stand-up legal in China now? No. You know, because it's the Chinese Communist Party and they're a bit sort of hardline and you do what we say. I think there might be a few... It's like one of those gigs abroad, I'm speaking, but we've done the Middle East where they're like,

yeah, have a good time. You see the people that have got pictures on the walls the royal family don't fucking bother yeah and then you go oh we should not said that yeah i think there's i think there's some rules and they'll have the spies in sometimes as well yeah from the local forest i think the middle east i think india you've got to be a bit careful because of the cows because no i think no yeah because the cow spies are in if you were mooing get them out of country if you were any mooing

tone down the set don't know any stuff about Daisy or anything like that is it Prime Minister Modi I don't know they're a bit totalitarian about who's criticising the government

I've gigged in Bombay Mumbai I wasn't aware we weren't told anything that's mad you've gigged in India yeah

the comedy store had a comedy store in Mumbai for yeah yeah the comedy store had a comedy store in mumbai for a while yeah there's gonna be a translator on stage with me so i'd do anything and they translate to indian over other languages so the free translators so each joke used to take like 10 minutes is he doing all the nuances and stuff that you're doing yeah we're trying to yeah there's a guy in punjabi, he's about to have a heart attack. There's no way you're that stupid. Bullshit on Carl's stupidity.

Yeah, when it's lost to the in Russia, it was silly, wasn't it? Yeah, fuck the lawyers. Yeah. Okay, Carl. Sorry mate. Sorry mate. Sorry.

Well, even as a second language, most of their English is better than mine was. What I meant with translate, I meant in terms of comedic themes. You just kept it broader as a result. Nuances, you couldn't be subtle about anything. You had to be full on. Good crowds, though.

Good laughers. Great laughers, but you're not sure if they're laughing if they're laughing properly you're not really sure so you come off you think

I've had a good gig but I don't know if it's because of me or because of me you're not sure yeah exactly what was China what was the China gigs like

I died on my hole on one and did alright on the other one. They were tough. The best night was, it was expats, but they were Kiwis and Australians and Americans and Canadians and Brits. Oh, a compere's dream. Yeah, you're perfect.

Just going into the crowd instead of being like, I'm from Warrington. I'm from Blackburn. You're like, no, Kiwi. America is so good. And then the second night was like Swiss and French and Germans. Harder. Yeah. Especially when you slag the Swiss off. They don't like it.

Got the Swiss bit. Yeah, I got the Swiss bit. You fucking knives. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, they've got more wrong with them as a society than knives. I know. I thought it was just army knives.

Like what? What have they got wrong with them? I'm not going to go into it. Anyway, I just call them collaborators. You fucking cheese. When your first joke fails, you shouldn't go, yeah, you fuck off the Swiss.

Are they not neutral now for the first time? No, I think they're still neutral, aren't they? No, I thought he'd chosen a side with Ukraine and Russia. I thought this was the first time they'd not been neutral. No, I think they're still...

Yeah, because if they lose their neutrality, they lose a lot. Oh, right. I thought he'd chosen a side. They don't want to lose all them FIFA draws. Yeah.

They, um... I don't care. I do. They've got what it deserves the swiss and swiss swiss though you don't have a swiss german swiss french yeah it's italian flemish or is that belgium belgium and uh holland isn't it but like right so just educate me on this because i haven't got a clue and as a very recently i found out you're a history buff. The Swiss were neutral in World... I've sort of heard rumours about this, but never sort of truly looked into it. So in World War II, when there was Nazis and everyone else,

the Swiss were, like, not getting involved. They're surrounded by mountains, so that helped them a little bit. They did the same in World War I. And they were like, I'll tell you what though, all of that Jewish gold, you're going to need to keep that somewhere. And we have really good banks.

Obviously we're neutral, so we don't want to take any sides, but that's where they get their finger pointed. Right. Yeah. But surely like if you're a Nazi there, you're going to be like, hang on,

they've got all the Jewish gold. You'd think that they're, like, playing a double agent there. You'd be suspicious of them. If I was a Nazi, I'd have beef with the Swiss. Well, they got, the Nazis got sort of wiped out,

so they didn't, you know, after the war, it wasn't like, got to deal with all these Nazi complaints about neutrality. During the war, though, I'd have invaded Switzerland immediately. I mean, like, during the war, though, I'd have invaded Switzerland immediately. I mean, like, give us the Jewish gold.

Where else didn't get involved? Amontius. Spain didn't get involved. Spain, well, they just had a big civil war. But they were a fascist government at the time. Franco. Yeah, they'd have probably sided with Hitler, I would imagine, if they had got involved in the war.

And if they'd just had a civil war, that's fair enough. They're busy, yeah. Like, if you've had a lot on this's fair enough they're busy like if you've had a lot on this month I'm not going to be obsessed if you don't come to my birthday party am I

that's a great way of looking at it that's what Halo is like hey Franco Franco lad you're knackered

you don't go over oh lad Spain is coming please come in yeah you're having a world war and you're inviting people

to a world war and then your missus is going, what about Spain? And you go, oh, no, they've been busy. They've had their own thing going, oh, yeah, that's right. You know, you invite everyone

to a world war. You know not everyone's coming. Even if they say they're coming. That's why you invite everybody. That's why you call it a world war. Not everybody in the world took part. A few did. A few made it.

A few said, you know, their apologies, said they couldn't be there. Sweden, Switzerland. Spain, you know, like you've just been mentioned. Ireland didn't take part. Did Ireland not get involved? No, no, no.

Even Luxembourg got involved, and they've got nothing. I mean, Luxembourg... They have no choice. Luxembourg are in a bit of a position. Yeah, yeah. If you're Papua New Guinea, you might be like, do you know what? We'll sit this one out, I think.

If you're Luxembourg, you're like, yeah, it seems like it's pretty relevant I think they got used as a car park yeah yeah they just took over yeah

just a guy hit German on the front like part your tank for five I don't know marks why so hang on

why did Switzerland manage to keep neutrality like what there must have been some fucking because it's a way of doing, they're very successful at doing,

because believe it or not, when both sides are fighting, they're still doing deals with each other. And you've got a neutral nation, you can do it via a neutral nation. Ah, the middle man. Right, okay. Uh-huh.

There you go. And all that builds up to Mick Ferry going, I don't trust you, kids. But I don't trust them because of that. I wouldn't trust them. Roger Federer looks dodgy doesn't he he does

greatest sportsman of all time arguably and I know I know most likely genuinely talking about FIFA that

Switzerland that sort of sums it up doesn't it where that middle country and where he looks like a guy he'd wear

when he's in his 40s he'll wear Reebok classics with four inch turnips on his jeans. Who? Federer? Federer, yeah.

Because I've got a big problem with that, because any bloke who does that is a fucking wrong one. Hang on. Nick, you're getting one of these. Love it. You're getting a screech. All right. If we go Swiss New Challenge Day to Reebok Classics,

I'm fucking, well, man. It's a hard left. He's the most liked, he's the most liked sportsman ever, though, surely. Is he? Like, universally liked, he has. He's dull, though, isn't he? Do you think?

Yeah. You don't see him on A Question of Sport, do you? You don't, no. Yeah. He's not done Mottowee. Ali McCoyster's on it. You know what I mean? So, much wider.

Is he? He is, I suppose. He's just a bit goody-two-shoes, though, isn't he? Oh, I bet he's not. I bet he's got some secrets on it. You can't be that Swiss bit goody two-shoes though, isn't he? Oh, I bet he's not. I bet he's got some secrets, hasn't he? God, you fucking hate the Swiss, don't you? I mean, Roger, not really a Swiss name, is it? No. I don't even think that's his fucking name.

No. It's John. Yeah. John Federer. Isn't 80% of his name, Er? Yeah. Er. It's Roger Federer. Er. Er.

Maybe the percentage is wrong, but it's a large percentage. He's Swiss French, isn't he? Yeah, so neutral, he can't make his mind up. You know, I'm in the middle. That's why he's called Roger Federer. What's going on today? That was good. What was it?

What was it? Imbecile Swiss, they're all called A. Go on, name another Swiss. Nicholas Bentner. Nicholas Bentner. Play for Denmark. For all. Stainless.

Absolutely. Jaden Shaqiri. Yeah. J. J. J. Dan. Yeah, his name's Dan.

Dan Shaqiri. I'm Dan Shaqiri. Is that it now? I'm done, yeah. yeah is that it now Swiss I'm done yeah alright Granit Xhaka there you go Granit Xhaka

I can't see you as a tennis man Mick you're a bit of a tennis man I used to I used to watch it all the time and I just find it dull now there's no characters is there

except for Kyrgios it's like snooker snooker's boring once Ronnie O'Sullivan goes that's it my interest in snooker is boring once Ronnie O'Sullivan goes that's it my interest in snooker is gone I do

just pull that mic down a bit lower to you I don't watch the tennis anywhere near as much as I used to either I used to love I used to look forward to Wimbledon

yeah Wimbledon after school it was great and Federer is just yeah he was always my favourite who's

yeah for both of you actually and you're a big Man United fan so non-Man United players not a team you support who's your favourite ever sportsman

that you just can't explain why but you like them because that is Federer for me I think same try and think of another one Federer for you

yeah really yeah I always just want him to win I want to see him happy favourite from any sport I would say

Manny Pacquiao Boxing Okay I just love the guy And Sport I mean I'm talking about

Alex Higgins here Snooker That's how old I am That's how old we are Alex Higgins Yeah The guy was a Smacked head wasn't he

He was brilliant Genius He ended up on smack Yeah he did I think he did For clarification I'm not sure I know he had a drink problem I know for a fact he did He's a fucking raging smack head Yeah, he did. I think he did. For clarification, I'm not sure. I know he had a drink problem. No, I know for a fact he did.

He's a fucking raging smacker. Yeah. I'm happy to go on record and say that. He was sucking men off to make crack money and smack money. It's his favourite sportsman of all time. It doesn't get in the way of the facts. Whereas Roger Federer probably pays for that. Lee Carsley for me, obviously.

Lee Carsley. Lee Trundle the footballer have you ever seen clips of him he's fantastic he's played for about 50 clubs I think

Ronaldinho's touch in league 2 yeah yeah unbelievable you want to see some of the skills he's pulled off

you can spend a couple of hours easily just watching clips of Lee Trundle I used to love the snooker asle I used to love the snooker as well I used to love like

John Higgins and all them yeah but he was Steve Davis one other snooker player Steve Davis Mark Williams Peter Debden

they're all the boring ones no but it was a good eater wasn't it no they were dull oh I liked any of them oh I like a frame of

snooker to last no more than 6 minutes you know what I mean not seeing the ones in the 80s when they're doing step overs with the cue and that exciting when they're still chalking the cue after 2 minutes you know what I mean not seeing the ones in the 80s when they're doing step overs with the queue and that

exciting and they're still chalking the queue after two minutes where you go for fuck's sake table pick a ball you fucking cunt

you should commentate on Snoop well they should do I mean they've ruined it they've ruined it I mean as a spectator sport

I've never understood going and watching it I'd be like putting your pound on a pool table and getting a chair from a high position and going

I think we're on in the 10th game and just watching shit and then getting shushed for it yeah yeah make a ball

you cunt so you like the Ronnie O'Sullivan he's literally like he's left the iron on that's how he plays snooker

yeah he's fantastic he's a genius if he wants to win a world title, he wins a world title. I think if he turns up for any tournament and wants to win it, he wins it. And then slags it off while he's doing it. What I like the fact is sometimes you just can't be arsed. Did you see what he said?

He's like, I want to go home on Tuesday. Actually, I can't be arsed. Did you see what he said? He was like, I'll keep playing snooker while all these are shit and I can keep winning. He's like, why wouldn't I come and get money? He's like, everyone now is bad and I'm dead good. That's what he said. I'm the best. I'll keep playing snooker while all these are shit and I can keep winning he's like why wouldn't I come and get money he's like everyone now is bad

and I'm dead good that's what he said I'm the best I'll keep playing he is the best as well I do like Ronnie O'Sullivan for me it's hard to look past OJ Simpson

his playing career was decorated as a man as a man he's that big yeah I act on my emotions as well

yeah who's that OJ Simpson right Is that big? Yeah. I act on my emotions as well. Yeah. Who's that? OJ Simpson. Right. Played in the NFL in the early 70s. Adam was born in 1990 fucking too. Didn't kill his wife.

No. Oh, right. Him, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Adam, no more Buffalo Bills highlights from the early 70s. Fuck you, mum. You don't get it? I'm an OJ man through and through.

It's like watching old clips of Top of the Pops now. They have to be very careful about who the presenter is now when they put it on. Yeah, Top of the Pops 2, they have to edit that down now. It's massive. I think they've reduced to only about 10 versions they can show because everybody else, they were all nonces, weren't they? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. reduced to only about 10 versions I can show because you know everybody else they were all monsies weren't they oh my yeah yeah

yeah good who do you reckon will be the next wave of that who do you reckon is working today who will we won't

be able to watch like their their their shows 20 years in the future because some dodgy stuff's gonna come out Dermot O'Leary

yes Dermot O'Leary yeah Dirty Dermot Animals it is with him. Animals. No. Tefo.

No. That's why he's never presented a nature show. Because he shags the wall? No, because they know. The TV producers are like, listen, he can do light entertainment

on a Saturday night. I'd say you'd know about Dermatol. I'll ask Chris Packham. He'd know. He can tell because he talks to animals, doesn't he? do light entertainment on a Saturday night. I'd say you'd know about Dermot. I'll ask Chris Packham. He'd know. He can tell because he talks to animals, doesn't he? Chris Packham. Yeah, yeah.

I reckon he could know. He hates Dermot O'Leary. I don't think he hates him. I know he'd have had a spat. Yeah, I know he'd have had a fight. Yori Geller. He's just fucking weird, isn't he? I think he's real.

From this era, he's gone, isn't he? Did you see what he said From this era Who's Like he's gone isn't he Did you see what he said To Putin last week He threatened Putin didn't he Have you seen it He said I'm going to use My mind powers And when you fire bombs

I'll turn them back And fire them at your country Yeah Cool He actually threatened that I do think he can't Bend spoons with his mind off Can you imagine being so stupid

That you believed him And you hired him Instead of investing In an army So we've got Yuri Geller On a retainer. Anybody who wants to fucking threaten us, we'll fucking stand him at the border.

We'll fuck you up. He's just a man in Dover. No! Just as London's wiped out behind him. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I wasn't doing it properly. And he got hard.

So he got hard there. Yuri. Imagine if he could do it. Don't be sick. What a weapon. He can bend. And he got hard. Sorry, he got hard there. Yori. Imagine if he could do it. Don't be sick. What a weapon. He can bend spoons with his mind, though. No, he does it with his thumb. Yeah.

Now, I've seen him hold it at the very bottom and the top of it, Ben. Because he's already heated it. It's a trick, though, isn't it? It's all a trick. It's all bendy spoons. It's a trick spoon. Have you ever seen someone give him a spoon and he bend it? Yeah.

I've seen that happen exactly on Good Morning Britain a few years ago. I can hang a spoon off my nose. What? Everybody can hang a spoon off their nose. Yeah, but that's's not as impressive that doesn't mean i can stop a missile because you can bend a spoon doesn't mean you can stop a missile i mean superman he could bend more he could bend a girder yeah he could stop a missile yeah but i've gone from a spoon to a missile. Yeah. I think that's too big a leap. Going from a girder

to a missile. Are you pro Geller? You're really into it. I just believe him. Peter Farson. I don't think. So, you know, like... I prefer Sarah Michelle Geller.

Talking about the Gellers. She could stop a missile. Oh, Uri Geller would have made such a good Buffy the Vampire Slayer, wouldn't he? What a remake that would be.

Here's the thing. You know, Derek- Yeah, you saw it as a kid. It's a fucking TV magician trick. No, no. That's real, that. No, no. No.

Listen. No, Christopher Walker. No, no. Listen, you know Derek O'Connor? May he rest in peace. He is dead, isn't he? No. Yeah. Hang on. Yeah. Derek O'Connor's dead. No Listen You know Derek Acora May he rest in peace He is dead isn't he No Yeah

Hang on Yeah Derek Acora's dead What's up Derek Oh yeah What's up Derek Yeah Derek He's living with his pirate friend

Come on Derek Acora was a liar Right Right He's a liar Have you seen the Michael Jackson seance Yeah Might be the greatest bit of television ever made

I've never seen it I've never seen it It's We'll show it in the Michael Jackson seance? Yeah Might be the greatest bit of television ever made I've never seen it 100% We'll show it in the internet It's well worth a watch It's fantastic But he was a liar And he knew He was lying to people

He didn't believe a word he was saying Yordy Geller believes himself And that's all it takes So someone with mental illness That's been sort of enabled by British TV For the last 30 years Just because he believes himself doesn't mean

it's happening. But I've seen them bend spoons. Oh, you haven't? Yeah. Seen a little fucking noncy magic trick? Yeah. They used to have kids on TV

on TV news programs because they were convinced they could turn a telly off with their own mind and it turns out it was just static in the house so they couldn't do it. I would so not be surprised

if that was Adam as a kid. Fucking hell, I've just turned all the power off. Just his dad behind him in remote control. I did used to watch Dragon Ball Z and then go in the garden and try and power up and go super saiyan. I didn't think that was possible. So you heard he gelled us. I did try and become magic after watching Matilda

for the first time as well. He has made a hell of a career though, hasn't he? Geller, for bending his back. I mean, what the fuck? made a hell of a career though, hasn't he? Geller, for bending his spoon. I mean, what the fuck? He just held on to Michael Jackson, didn't he? We did hold on to him, did we? Someone should have. No, he became friends with them

because they believed him. So, yeah, I think he was somebody who was, I think he's somebody who might have mental health issues himself who got followed by people who've got mental health issues, particularly kids who are at home thinking, fucking hell, he can bend a spoon. I'm going to follow his career. You didn't do it.

I haven't followed his career. Oh, you're a big gellard. Come on. Is that what they call them, gellards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stevie Gellard. I haven't followed his career big Gellard. Come on. Is that what they call him, Gellard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gellard. Stevie Gellard. I haven't followed him. Gellard!

I just genuinely think he believes, he thinks he can send nukes back at Putin if he fires them this way. He believes that. Right, so what? So he's mentally ill, so what? Yeah, he is mentally ill, so what? But he's also got the powers of Ben's space and time with his mind. Okay. What is his job? Ben's space and time. what? But he's also got the power To bend space and time With his mind

No, okay What is his job? Bend space and time That's what he's doing with the spoon Oh, that's not space and time It's bending time You're thinking of the spoon from The Matrix That's space and time

Be the spoon Oh, yeah Yeah, there you go Yeah So he was just bog standard Bit of cutlery And if he could really fucking do that He'd just have plastic spoons

imagine living with them i know you're trying to have a yogi you'd be an absolute prick all the spoons are bent in the drawer he's flicking across the room it was a nonce era of top of the pops that most tv celebrities in the 80s mate that is a bad that is 70s, 80s. Uri Geller's 70s. He's not really doing much anymore, is he? But that was an era where most TV celebrities... Not doing much anymore.

He's trying to stop World War III single-handedly, damn you. You're the only person that gives a fuck. The fucking Gellard crew. Still running his fan club. If he can stand there like what's he called Magneto and put his hand out and stop all the missiles in the air

I'll go fucking out I'd even suck his dick on telly if he could actually stop a missile with his hands like Magneto I think there'd be

a big queue of us all I'm really sorry Yuri you're right and then you'd be fighting us off and I'm fucking first a lot of yous were into him I was when I was a kid

I'd be furious I'd love to see that video yeah he won't be video he'll be live as a nuclear weapon hits him first yeah it'd be fantastic he's going

he's getting close he's going any minute he's going to stop in a minute in a minute just people around him going Yuri run

run I thought so ladies they're presenting it with a suspicious amount of dogs has he got a lot of dogs from before yeah what was it

about the 80s sexy kids don't know it was a bad era for TV nonces isn't it they don't there's a lot

of them come from that era the rock and roll era where anything went and nothing got reported yeah I's a lot come from that era the rock and roll era where anything went and nothing got reported yeah I think a lot of people and they were more

powerful they were more powerful then as well if you were famous on the telly then you were fucking famous oh yeah and how does news

get out they got they could control news you can't control news now can you yeah so you've got to be accountable

yeah Katie Mulgrew is Jimmy Cricket's daughter yeah like Jimmy Cricket famous 70s news now can you yeah so you've got to be accountable yeah katie mulgrew is jimmy cricket's daughter yeah like jimmy cricket famous 70s 60s 70s 80s yeah but she was like it's weird looking back at my childhood how many people visited came over for sunday lunch and like when my dad's mates all of the famous 80s sort of celebrities where Operation U-Tree, they're like, their names are dotted through. And then you realise, fucking hell, no one even tried it on.

No. Really bad for your confidence. You look back and you go, no, I didn't even get nonced once. No one even tried. No, nonced once. I still think that with the whole Operation U-Tree thing, that my favourite bit of all of it,

and there's not many highlights, is that they just assumed Cliff Richard was involved. With the whole Operation Utrecht thing My favourite bit of all of it And there's not many highlights Is that They just Cliff Richard Assumed Cliff Richard Was involved And arrested him Well before that

Before that happened In 2014 I was doing a show In Edinburgh And I used to just go Who's next for Vierongen And do a book every night Like a bucket

And Cliff Richard Used to be the most popular Suggestion from the art People just assumed Everyone was just like Look at him He's done s look at him. He's done s*** at him.

Arrest him anyway. That was the warrant for the arrest, though. Come on, Cliff. Cliff, come on. All of you boys are here. Now, I think Forsyth got away with it, you know, because he died, didn't he? Bruce Forsyth?

Yeah. Oh, come on, Carl. See, no, look. People have said that about Savile. He was a loved person. No, they didn't. No, no, no. But I always, like, people have said that about Savile, but he was a loved person. No, they didn't. No, no, no. But I'm saying he was loved.

People didn't want to believe it. No, he wasn't. Back in the day, Carl, a lot of people were going, he does seem like a bit of a fucking wrongan. Like, it wasn't universal Jimmy Savile-like. What a character. I think if David Attenborough... I'll just kill myself. Oh, no. That would be the worst, wouldn't it?

Or Attenborough Attenborough the one He's the one that'd kill you Do you have a face for I don't know whether you know No What Yeah

I don't know He lives in He lives in Switzerland Oh really Oh no Hang on You know something about... Yeah.

Can we put a ledge across? Can we be in the new Fast and Furious film? He knows he's been speaking to Uri Geller. Are you going to have to cut this out because there's proper super injunctions? No, he is absolutely not. Oh shit. He was lending his house to nonsense

and knowing what they were doing in it. What? What? What? Can you do that? No. Like Airbnb? Airbnb and nonce. And nonce.

That's too funny to cut out. So just bleep his name. Okay, yeah, I'll bleep his name. That is the thing. Really, though? How do you know that? Have you been told in the industry? So I believe it's David. That is the thing. Really, that. How do you know that? Have you been told in the industry? I've heard rumours myself.

Yeah, I've heard rumours myself. Oh, that's awful. Yeah, I know it's hard to... But super injunction. Yeah. Who told you that? Well, we know about another super injunction, don't we? No, but I want to know how you know that one.

How? What industry? Like, what industry chat is going on at Edinburgh in 2022? Like, listen, have you heard about the old super injunction? I've known about this for a few years. Yeah, everybody's, yeah. I honestly thought you were doing a bit to just make Carl feel sad. They've been on the radar for a bit, apparently.

No. This isn't like the Ryan Giggs one I did the other day the name you've been bleeped out and you've been blue balls for that's made me sad yeah yeah oh dear

you know makes you want to fall through a bar doesn't it yeah come on Noel Edmonds you've got to be next come on Noel Edmonds this time next year you'll

fucking you won't want to hear right listen here's here's my question who would be the worst person for you to find out that about who's the worst famous obviously somebody in your family me me anyone in this room no it's got to be national treasure on it where you're like Dame Judi Dench how would that affect me how would Dame Judi Dench

being an unlikely lady nonce all the best James Bond Mr Tumble who's on CBeebies right now Judi Dench being an unlikely lady nonce. All the best, James Bond. She's M. Mr. Tumble, who's on CBeebies right now. Because if I have to turn CBeebies off, I'm going to have to do more parenting. And that looks like a fucking rough gig.

CBeebies gets us through a lot of days where you're like, oh my God, this is full on. CBeebies is on. Mr. Tumble is the whole, the whole of CBeebies is on his shoulders. Pray God he never gets fucking U-Treat. No, National Treasures you don't want. Obviously Attenborough.

Stephen Fry. John McDonald. McCartney. Stephen Fry. Stephen McDonald. Paul Chuckle. He's dead. Paul Chuckle.

No, it's Barry. Barry's dead. Yeah. Who else wouldn't you want? David Jason. I'd hate that. I'd love's alive. Barry's dead. Yeah. Who else would you want? David Jason. I'd hate that. I'd love only for those nurses. Okay.

I don't know. Who else? National Treasure. Yeah. It's Attenborough. If Attenborough was a squirrel nonce, that would be. Yeah. If you ever see him in Damot's old lady,

hanging out for a coffee. If it was with animals, you'd go, all right, fair enough. That was his job. His job? His job to suck off a dwarf. Well, no. Suck off a what?

A dwarf? What's a dwarf got to do? That's literally like going, if a teacher's a paedophile. What just happened? I asked my brain to give me an animal, and it gave me two. I love the reasoning. He's around animals all the time.

He couldn't help it. That's literally, if a teacher became a paedophile, you're like, wow. He's in school all day, isn't he? He can't help himself. You don't get to lie with gorillas like that. Do you remember when you lay with a gorilla in Brighton? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah. What? A doll? A gay thing? with gorillas like that do you remember when you lay with a gorilla in brighton yeah i did yeah yeah

a gay thing no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no from selling pictures of myself wearing dungarees sat on a tractor. I would pay for that. Before the self-employed help came through. Yeah, before. Have you heard? Mick Ferry's got an OnlyFans. Circuit's gone to shit. Well, I was tempted to set one up an OnlyFans. I get pestered every now and again

on Instagram. Papa Bear, please, can we choose your OnlyFans? So they wanted me to, asked me to just wear dungarees and sit on tractors and maybe have a strap down and get somebody to take photographs. And I had to look angry as well.

Like I was angry with somebody's work on the farm. That was the idea. That would be sexy as fuck, by the way. I think if you were wearing all that getup, I don't think you'd look really chipper. If someone made you wear dungarees and then they'd be like, I don't think Mick Ferry's not... They were very specific as well.

This is when I started thinking it could be a wind-up. I should look into it, but it was very specific about the make of Tractor. It had to be a Ferguson. Yeah, I know. So you can't just wank over a fat, bearded guy sat on a Tractor. On a John Deere, it's not interesting. If it's an old Douglas tractor, fuck that. That's not going to get you hard.

It's got to be a Ferguson tractor. Do we? What? Do it. It will give you a lifetime to have the stand-up as well. I need access to a farm. That's the only thing stopping you. Are they not going to provide the farm?

This was during lockdown. Do it now. Are they not going to provide the farm and the tractor? No, no. This guy's based in America. They're based in America. Does he run a company or does he he just want the photographs of you? I'm not sure.

This is why. He did say it was for a thing called American Bear. American Bear. You would make so much money. Yeah. I could have done. Instead, I was doing fucking Zoom gigs. When I think about it, I should have just sat on the fucking tractor.

We were in Brighton Comedian together a few years ago and in the foyer of the Jories Inn... It was a tractor. ...there is a life-size model of a gorilla. Just sat on its haunches. The gorilla's got no top on. It's just sat cross-legged. He's usually got fucking jumpers on

that's what I'm saying weird gorilla not even wearing a shirt oh he's at the seaside though isn't he there you go he's just got his trunks on a life size gorilla

naked and we come back at what like two or three o'clock in the morning and you took your top off and sat next to me yeah until we were asked to leave

he took a picture of it there's a picture of it somewhere I'll find it yeah that picture exists that's when we met Eubank Jr. in the... Yeah, he was a weird guy, wasn't he? And then we had an argument with a metal detector guy on the beach. He came down to the comedian one time.

He goes a lot. He goes a lot, yeah. Then we had a row. You know how we had a row on the beach with the metal detector guys? Yeah. About six in the morning. Yeah. Sorry.

Wind it back. Right, Gorilla got that. You saw Chris Eubank Jr. What were you two doing on Brighton Beach at 6am arguing with metal detector nonces? We were drinking. Yeah. I don't think they're actually called metal detector nonces.

I don't think they... I know, but that's what you can call... I don't think they're... I think they're pretty safe. I think you'd be safe in the company of a detectorist, as they call themselves. Yeah. Because they're not interested. I think we'd be safe in the company of a detectorist as they call themselves so yeah because they're not interested

I think we were in the way and we asked too many questions and the guy got pissed off with us yeah because he thought we were taking the piss yeah

like so long as you were we were sort of yeah 6am I've been drinking oh there's some serious questions about detectorism I think at one point I said

I think I was really nasty I think at one point I said did you it was really nasty I think at one point I said did you start doing this when you lost access to the kids well you know single

you know dad single dad can't see the kids on the weekends so he started detectoring I had a metal detector

when I was a kid I just want to live above a chip shop I don't want to go you had a metal detector when you were a kid and you were fans of Uri Geller

spending spoons yeah we're learning things yeah yeah I begged for it I think it was for either my birthday or for Christmas

and I got one and then I would go to Freshfields Beach what did you find did you do it on your Kawasaki then you can do it quicker Adam's found loads

yeah just go to Freshfields Beach with me dad over the weekend what did you find what's the best thing you found apart from a broken spoon bit of money

did find a bit of cutlery on the beach couple of times found a ring with a like a very small diamond or gem on it

took that to Cash Converters got 80 quid oh wow how old was he it was like 12, 13 something like that did you find any

unexploded world war 2 bombs no they won't take them at cash conversion no you've got too many game gear

game gear game gear bomb wow I mean I don't know if it's bullshit but it doesn't matter it was so

I bet I bet you I bet you on that Christmas day morning I bet you they hate things under rugs. Go on, test it, Adam.

I actually asked my dad to go and hide some... You're walking around your living room. I asked my dad to go and hide some pounds in the back of my hand. Training. That's how you become the best, isn't it? That's right, yeah. They were probably the easiest to find because it was a fresh mind of earth.

They were probably the easiest to find because it was a fresh mind of earth. Do you think your dad was planting anything? Have you seen that on Instagram Reels or TikTok? There's a dad who they were like, oh, I've only just worked out now as an adult woman that we used to go hunting for like shells on the beach and we always found beautiful shells. And I've just realised now that my dad went

and bought some beautiful shells and then threw them out and he was doing it for his grandkids do you think your dad did it do you think your dad like just

wazzed a few bits of metal stuff out for you on the beach yeah where did he get the ring he might have mugged a woman on the way he might have

mugged a woman for the ring fucking hell a playstation a new Kawasaki wrapped up on the side of the beach well imagine Fucking hell, a PlayStation. A new Kawasaki. Wrapped up on the side of the beach. Imagine finding another metal detector. Like a person.

A dead body. Somebody had just been so annoyed with it, went, this is shit. Fucking buried it on a beach. You're going, this is fucking massive. Did you really though? Yeah. That's believable.

That's unbelievable. Everything he says, man. You've got to question it. I believe him. I know he's lying, but I believe him. Like me and Yori. Like Yori Gallop. Get us a spoon.

Have you got a spoon? We have. Is it absolutely bullshit? Can you bend a spoon? Of it absolutely bullshit? Can you bend a spoon? Of course I can. I'll show you how to do it. Of course I can. There you go.

It doesn't matter. It's going to be fucked in a minute. So you concentrate. There you go. Ready? Nice and bent. Right. Ready?

Fuck off. Adam. Oh my God. Adam. I've seen him do it. Mind blown. No, I've seen him do it. ready fuck off Adam Adam oh my god Adam I've seen him do mind blown no I've seen him do it with his hand

Jodie does it with his mind that's why it's impressive I did do it with my mind as well yeah it happened to be in my hands yeah right he was hiding it

you never saw him do that though fuck off he can't put it back he's an awful of shit we're watching Jodie Gallagher the video's in the break right we are somebody throw a missile at me I'll show you He can put it back. You're so awful of shit. We're watching your yellow videos in the break. Right. We are.

Somebody throw a missile at me. I'll show you. Put a Nerf gun. Let's have a little interval. I need a poo break. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie.

Is this real? This is an add this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing over my boobie. Is this real? This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones, but when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from,

and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing. Oh, we.com is where you get the merch from. And it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said, don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself.

But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better

in Haveawordpod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com, if you can't read. Get on me. Final fucking section. Mick, you're bringing your podcast back.

Yeah. Give it a shout out, because I remember when you brought it out the first time, like five years ago. Yeah. It's a fucking great idea for a pod uh yeah well it was a bit of fun as well to do so it's uh the bunker bunker radio because there's a couple of things called a bunk so i have to change the name of it so just the idea is is that uh we record it in in a pub in front of an audience and uh the idea is we're in a bunker it's the end of the world we find two people wandering around with a guest and it's basically a kangaroo court we decide we decide whether they can stay in the bunker or not so the first in the series what we did do we had 12 guests

and only two survived the other 10 was shot yeah that sounds like a manchester audience what's youring it on? Well, your personality, your ability to be able to live with the rest of the people in the bunker, any skills you might have, just whether I like you. Ten people died! And then there's your audience.

So the people who are in the pub with the recording, they can ask questions because they're part of the bunker. That's the idea, you know. So it's a good bunker we've got. We've got a bar. You know, we've got a gym. Yeah. How would you do post-apocalyptic?

How's Mick Ferry looking post-apocalyptic? You know, the zombies or whatever. Well, I'm a bit out of shape now. I reckon I wouldn't last long. But, see, I'm a big zombie fan. I've been for years. But I've started to fall out with them recently because... I wouldn't last long but see I'm a big zombie fan I've been for years but I've started to fall out of them recently

because I've heard that actually there's been big shit about you because just factually I've started

I've got to an age where I'm annoying myself I'm nearly 54 and if something's not factually fucking right now

I can't let it slide one time I could enjoy a film but now I can't so zombies just through a wastage of muscles and sinews, which rot away within three weeks, they won't be able to move. So you've got these films of zombies that are fucking years old,

chasing people. You go, what the fuck? No, they'd be after a couple of weeks. That's it. Well, we've talked about this. The 28 Days Later zombies are scary, aren't they? Yeah. Because they've just been taken over by a virus

yeah and they can run as fast as their human self could run yeah it's kind of scary yeah

but if you come out of the ground after 40 years of decomposing yeah you've got no muscles you can't run can you

you've got no muscles or tendons to be able to move your limbs so yeah that's fucked what's your favourite zombie movie then

oh I don't know I like the old classics like Dawn of the Dead Day of the Dead stuff like that I love the series I used to love

The Walking Dead and I've stuck I've stuck with that out of loyalty now because it's been shit the last couple of series but you just you know when you

why why is it going shit just the storylines plotlines dragged on too much and it's and they've tried to extend it beyond the point

where it should have been fucking finished ages ago and half the characters now can't be asked about once you stop caring about characters that's it we were talking about this

in the first half like getting involved in series and films and stuff do you get emotional when you watch stuff oh god yeah I got softer as I got older

I cry at all sorts I even cry at adverts an advert can set me off especially when I've had a drink that fucking Andrex puppy I'm a fucking

modelling fucking oh no I couldn't have that little shit in my eyes what do you think it's funny oh he's cute

he's running around off with a toilet paper fucking I'd rub his nose in my shit that's how you train him that's how you train him now that's an

Andrex advert that we all actually want to see he runs off and you're like no do you know what come here you that's how you train him that's how you train him now that's an Andrakes advert that we all actually want to see he runs off and you're like no do you know what come here you little cunt there's a cost of living crisis yeah just using the puppy

instead of the exactly yeah I know yeah well that's where they get that's where they get that's where they get the term kitten soft from

well you know toilet tissue they say it's kitten soft how do you know you've usually say it's kitten soft. How do you know? You've got to test it. Oh, yeah. So somebody wiped their arse on kittens.

I've got a pretty docile cat to wipe your arse with it. Cats aren't famous for being... You'd have to declaw it, wouldn't you? Right, yeah. You'd take the claws out. So it was like...

Meow. Well, I've heard to make you cry. I think we nearly broke Adam there. Yeah, you can't wipe your arse with a dog What? Sometimes

I don't know I'm quite soft when it comes to anything That's got like an emotional Something emotional about it like a family reunion Like the John Lewis advert to Christmas and stuff Oh fuck I can't afford John Lewis Fuck that I don't want to watch Can't afford to watch it.

Can't afford to watch the opposite. Turn that off. I'm wiping my arse with cats over it. You know, later, Therese. I mean, I know,

it's usually anything, any kind of drama around kids or fucking somebody dying. I don't know, I've got just softer. I can't, I struggle. There's a lot of things I watch on my own because I know I'll start crying and I don't want to. Passage of time is something that never got me until I became a parent.

And then those things where it's like, and then they became the dad and then you became the granddad. You're like, for some reason, that fucks with me a little bit. That's where I can choke up a bit. Because that's happening to you. You couldn't have been lazy in the past because you were just still the kid.

When you're young, genuinely young, something about having a child instantly ages you. And I know that sounds daft, but you're like, holy shit, I am this kid's dad. And then quickly your head goes, and one day they'll be a parent and I'll be the granddad. And all of a sudden you see how fucking short life can be.

Now I know nothing's actually happened. For the first time you've been able to look that far ahead with like this thing in your hands. It's really, that's fucked me up for tear jerker moments. They're the ones that get me. Life's too short but days are too long and I'll die on that hill What? I think days are too long Aye?

Do you ever just have a day where you don't have to do it? Your concept of time as you get older gets quicker, so I remember when you were a kid a fucking, some are old days Oh it was six months? It's fucking lasted for fucking ages, but you're an adult six weeks is a fucking blink of an eye you know it's it's like i can't believe this this stuff i've got coming up in the next month that i planned 10 months ago and i can't believe it's here christmas makes me feel like when you were a kid it took so long for christmas to come

back again and now you're like and now when you're paying for it as an adult it's fucking too quick you know it's just like i was at christ yeah it should be every two years i think christmas in fact i'd run christmas like a world cup right i mean every four years and i have a horse christmas country and we all go there yeah we all go there for the christmas and then you've got four years to save for it how nervous would they draw for who's going to be the next they'd be like oh my god luxembourg's like they haven't got the places we haven't got the room shit in it exactly yeah but i think that's a good idea that christmas i love christmas every i love christmas i am such a kid shout out christmas in switzerland i know we don't like him i think it looks pretty good sounds like a snow they've got mountains you've got snow you've got

mountains you've got you've gotery that doesn't belong to them. Adam will find it. We've got some questions, Mick. I'm just going to say Christmas needs to be exactly as often as it is. It's a perfect amount of time. I love it. I do like it, but I like the idea of having a Christmas tournament every four years.

I think that'd be good. Like a belt, like a super Christmas. Yeah, super Christmas. Yeah, yeah. And countries can only qualify depending on how happy your population are, what your GDP is like. So the top, all the top 12 countries.

So we'd never be in it. Swedish Christmas. Swedish Christmas. Questions. Anyone, anyone correspondance? You've got them. Stephen Byr Burns says,

just a quick question. If you could make one rule that all comedy green rooms had to adhere to, what would it be? So you have the power to put a new rule in place for every comedy club in the world.

What's the new rule to make green rooms a better place? My first thought was no phones but i actually think that would absolutely fucking mental imagine that weekend you get booked with three cunts yeah but that you don't you tend not to be in the dressing room then do you have you know i do i just stay in there on my phone and not talk to anyone really yeah oh god they're probably sat there going, fucking look at that cunt on his phone all the time. Yeah. I want you to talk to him. That's us. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking look at him looking at Yuri Geller videos. Now, in fact, it's definitely, that's my vote. And I want to be on a bill with Adam. Because he has to sit there with no phone. But I wouldn't be in the green room. I'd be outside the green room on my phone. Fair enough.

Fair enough. It'd be funny the green room on my phone. Fair enough. Fair enough. It'd be funny just watching you like, what? As people are fucking chatting shit. My rule, and it does wind me up, it's only because I've probably got a bit of OCD anyway. No fingering. Right. No fingering.

I think you should be off. Yeah. In the dressing room. Finger, finger. It was a consensually finger. Hey, Portsmouth Jongles back in the day, it was half the fun of it. Three bottle of wine and a finger.

If someone wants a little finger, and you've got a finger, why would there be a rule to stop that happening? Two adults just making each other happy. So, Portsmouth and Danny Mac fingering each other in the dressing room at Hot Water, you're fine with it? Yeah.

You'd have your phone out then, to be fair. That'd take ages. Then too, they'd be discussing fucking trainers and all sorts in the fucking middle of it. It'd have your phone out then to be fair. That'd take ages. They'd be discussing fucking trainers and all sorts in the fucking middle of it. The middle of a fingering round. Fucking Smith would be talking about his weight routine and Danny would be talking about some fucking obscure football team just to make each other

hard. I'm so sorry that I brought those two people that we know too well up. Now all of a sudden I've actually had to imagine it. Well, if you can't imagine them two fingering, then you can't imagine fingering. And I will die on that hill. What are you going for, mate?

The days are too long. Yeah. The one that annoys me is, I know some people do it on purpose because they're pricks, but if I go in a dressing room and I find a chair I like, I'm comfy, I sit there, it's fine. If I go to the toilet and come back, I expect it to be empty. Some prick sat on it.

God, yes. Hot water's bad for that because there's two Chesterfields and then five little shit plastic ones. And the second anyone gets out of a Chesterfield, someone jumps into it. That's true, that. But I think that's fair game because they've only got the two. Yeah, and they're actually

Queen and wing backs they're actually oh they are lovely as well so what's your favourite green room we've asked this in the country the Manchester stall

was the one Manchester stall was great the Birmingham Glee is a good one I like the Birmingham Glee the smaller one with the couches

yeah yeah it's a big one isn't it yeah where else Like the Birmingham Glee. The smaller one with the couches. Yeah, yeah. The big one, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. What else? Roffle in Newcastle-on-the-Lyme. Roffle. It's just a weird little eccentricity of the room,

but it's an L-shaped room, so for the comedy, they've sort of shut off that little bit of L-shape and accidentally made one of the nicest dressing rooms ever because the way it was designed was meant to be part of the room. They've curtained it off. So it looks like you sat in the, it's the Stoke Raffle, which is, have you not played it?

I've not played it. It's a great little room, but the dressing room is unbelievably nice. I should play it just for the dressing room. I mean, there's, I think you should, you know, as a comedian, you want to experience loads of different things. I do loads it just for the dressing room. I mean, I think you should, you know, as a comedian, you want to experience

loads of different things. I do loads of experience different dressing rooms. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See Mick at Ruffle, Newcastle-on-the-Line, apparently, in the next, never. Yeah, no, just your own seat.

Good seats in a green room. Yeah. Comfy seats. Never be able to tell the story about when you had a good gig that should be the golden rule

anyway just in comedy nobody wants to hear a story with how you'd ripped a gig we all want to hear the story when you start with

last night have you heard about yeah and everybody goes fucking come on this better be you know this better be

in fact that is an unspoken rule of any dressing room you have to be a right people to be like, guys, can I tell you about when I ripped? Yeah, who does that? Even I don't do that. I've seen it done.

I've seen it. There's a few do it. Yeah, there's a few that can't help themselves. So, yeah. I know what a good gig, we all know what a good gig feels like, but we all know what a death feels like, and that's more, that's better.

That's what's more powerful. And that's what's more powerful, probably when you watch stuff on films and TV we all get happiness we all get that

but the one that really resonates with us is fucking horrible stuff because we know it's bad you know

it's bad yeah there's also something so cringy and joyful about someone being able to revel in their own misfortune

it's a British thing as well isn't it I think so yeah yeah yeah it's I remember once i'm seeing a store in london and a guy come off the flight from new york and he gave me his cv to read before i brought him i just said no we don't do that and he said i i heard you don't do that i said he said why not i said because they'd hate you before he

got to the microphone so i started telling them about everything you've done. Good. He said, why is that? I said, I don't know why. I said, they just won't like you. I said, you know, British audiences like to think they've just found you, discovered you. They like to think you're not as good as they are. You're just as good as they are.

That's it. The least said by a host, the better. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Just go, next guy's great. Yeah, that's it. That's all you've got to say. That's all you've got to say. That's all you've got to say.

And that was meant to be leading on to something else, and I haven't got a fucking clue now what it was meant to say. What, the American came on and asked if you could read a CV? Yeah, no, that was leading to something else. You're talking about films and stuff? Oh, fucking, that's way back, isn't it? I think more films should have sad endings. I hate it.

Oh, have they all got happy endings? You want, like, a bleak ending to a film and be like, because why is it a shit? The 1970s was the best era for that. That's when the, when the studios had lost control of the filmmaking a bit. And so that's why a lot of the films were brilliant.

Where you'd have the hero dying in the final scene. Yeah, but that's what you need. Because there's, there's some like stranger things. I don't know if you've seen it. Like the plot arm, when everyone's got now,

you're like, they're not going to die. Or they're in this impossible situation you're like yeah they're gonna get out of it though people should start dying like scooby-doo i'm really bad for scooby-doo they should have killed scooby-doo in one one cartoon you'd remember that wouldn't you you'd be talking about it you won't remember that one yeah oh i mean the scrappy do that little country of ideas well isn't that the worst you ate dogs don't you no I don't I love dogs I love dogs

my dog I've got a beautiful dog but a scrappy dude ruins Scooby Doo everybody knows this gimmick and he could talk yeah it was bullshit

yeah yeah famously Scooby Doo couldn't even say his own name he should have an episode where Scooby Scooby that's what he says he doesn't

I've literally watched it this week he doesn't he says Ruby Ruby Roo Ruby Ruby Roo he doesn't I've literally watched it this week He doesn't He says Ruby Ruby Roo Ruby Ruby Roo He doesn't That's a Kaiser chip How did we get back to sad ending on films? Because you said about watching films and stuff

And it resonated with you and stuff We were talking about Comedy Club Green Room Oh you've not seen one of my sets lately I'm giving you a right screeching Provide the minute and you'll hear them say it We were talking about Comedy Club Green Rooms, Karl. Oh, you've not seen one of my sets lately. I think you're right. Provide the minute and you'll hear them say it. Jen says, if you could delete something, just one thing from existence that would help your long-term health,

what would it be? The memory or the image, more like of Danny McLachlan and Paul Smith fingering each other. That would be so good. Why would you want to... You don't want to take that out of existence. That image is there good. Now that that's in the air. Why, you don't want to take that out of existence.

That image is there now. And then if you believe in such a thing as alternate realities, that's happening right now. For infinite amounts of times as well? Yeah, for infinite amounts of times. No, I don't think there's a...

No. Yes, it's happened. I don't even think infinite is enough for that to be happening. It's happened. I don't think you understand the nature of infinity. I've got an idea

of the theory of the infinity and I still think you understand the nature of infinity. I've got an idea of the theory of the infinity and I still think you're a few short. No, there's actually a version of it or infinite versions of it where you're there as well

with Macarena's going yeah! Yeah. We used to do the Elton John game didn't we? What? We used to play the infinite worlds game

like yeah, I'm walking up from school but you're Elton John. Yeah. Yeah, and then there's another one where both Elton John. Yeah, both Elton John. There's one where another one where both Elton John you're both Elton John there's one where

he doesn't even exist how sad is that and then you're not walking home but then there's another one where he doesn't exist but one of you just go hey do you remember Elton John

and the other one goes he doesn't exist and there's one where Elton John is your shoes yeah your shoes are Elton John I've done that there isn't though

is there what do you mean? I love, there is. There is. In the infinite world's theory, there is.

That is the nature of infinity. You're Elton John on this podcast? Yeah, I get the theory, but that's not right, is it?

Yeah, of course it is. You've been in before. It's not. I think, I get, I get, I get the theory.

I think Brian Cox would probably explain it clearer and he's probably wouldn't be going on about Elton John. I don't know. I don't know. I like Brian Cox. I don't clearer and he probably wouldn't be going on about Elton John. I don't know. I don't know.

I like Brian Cox. I don't know if he could get any better. I don't think he'd be going on. But there's another one where he would explain it clearly and he'd only talk about Elton John. There's another one where Brian Cox is Elton John. And there's one where Elton John talks about Brian Cox. And he had Brian Cox shoes.

There's another one where Brian Cox sang a Princess Diana's funeral and she wasn't even dead because she was Elton John and he was sucking Elton John off and he was

the nation's princess and there's there's another one where Brian Cox sang a Elton John funeral and Elton John rose out of the coffin said hey that's my song

and they fought to the death and then then they went with Adam with his metal detector looking for mines that's my song and they fought to the death and then they went with Adam with his metal detector looking for mines that's a charity

they were all involved just take all of Elton's rings off there's another one where everybody was at Elton John's funeral it's Elton John the only person

that wasn't there was Elton John at his funeral the Elton John the one where the rumble in the jungle wasn't Muhammad Ali who was it

it was Elton John and Brian Cox. Yeah. Wow. For the heavyweight title. Refereed by David Furness. And mixed it with a Ferguson track. But that theory, you know, it's not real though, is it? It is.

It is. Until you disprove it. Okay, cool. Although I can disprove that Uri Geller doesn't bend spoons with his mind. Don't. Listen, the fan club will get annoyed. So where are they? Uri Geller bends Elton John with his mind.

I have this one. So, do you know what? It's time to have a word with Elton and Elton. I'm going to... Okay, so eradicate one thing from existence. What's the one thing that if it just got... Elton John. Elton John, I've eradicated him.

He doesn't exist. Yeah, and that's going to help your long-term health. It is now. After this conversation, it fucking is now. If you'd have done that in December, we'd have been Christmas number 97. I think the thing I'd eradicate would be my losing when I gambled. Part of the reason why I was a gambling addict is because I kept losing.

So I'd like to win all the time when I gambled. But when you would be a gambling addict, you'd just be a winner? Of course I'd be a winner. That's what I mean. Oh, right. Wouldn't you be more of an addict? Eh? Wouldn't you be more of an addict? No? Wouldn't you be more of an addict?

No, he's just a winner. I'm a winner. You can't be addicted to stuff that's good for your life, can you? That's not... There's no downsides if you just always win. People only get called gambling addicts when they keep losing. Isn't the thing that you can't be addicted to anything that's good for you? Like, addiction's not good in any sense.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so winning's not good then? It is. Of course it is. There's no downside. If you were winning all the time, you wouldn't like that. You'd lose the feeling of winning,

so you'd lose the money. You'd gamble all the money. No one's at Gambling Anonymous going, guys, I'm here. You wouldn't even call it winning. My name's Dan. You'd just call it Wednesday. You won't wake up today going,

I'm going to win. You'd just go, it's normal day. I'm going to Wednesday. Don't you gamble for the point of the feeling of winning? No, it's a bit more complex than that. It's a thrill. It's trying to do something with your theory against her theory,

odds and so on. That's what I mean, but that would go. Yeah. Because you always win. You lose that edge. It might get boring. It might get boring. Well, the amount of money I've lost gambling,

I'd fucking want to win for a bit. Jesus Christ. I'd be fucking happy for a bit. It's not even your timeline. What would you eradicate? Anything I eradicate for my health. Yeah, what's the thing that you reckon is affecting your long-term health?

FIFA. The actual real organisation. The game. Oh, the game? Yeah. Oh, for fuck's sake. I thought you meant like FIFA. That'd be fun.

I mean, yeah, I'm that as well. They're constantly on aren't they which FIFA which version all of them I once heard when my son was little

we were in the Tescos and FIFA 11 came out and we heard this moment this woman turned around to her son and she went oh look FIFA

FIFA so me and my lad have called it that ever since then it's FIFA I love FIFA and I despise it more though

like it's not good it's not good like Seneca will get in the bath or something it's like oh I'll have a game of FIFA and every time what am I doing

because you get out of the bath and I'm in a bad mood are you playing online yeah oh you've got to stop doing that exactly

but I love football that much why don't you get yourself one of them VR body kits where you can experience things, right? And please invite me another round the first day you put it on. And then have you got your own player on the team? Yeah, yeah.

You've got yourself. So any time you get fucking hit in a tackle, you'll feel it. So Seneca's getting in the bath and I'm like, hang on a sec. Yeah, yeah, put your suit on. Put your suit on. And then, a tackle, you'll feel it. So, Seneca's getting in the bath and I'm like, hang on a sec. Yeah, yeah, put your suit on, put your suit on and then, yeah.

No, I love it. He comes out really quietly and he accidentally slide tackles it. It's literally like, it's not gambling but it's got the same feeling as what I think you're describing.

The wins are that good. Like, I fucking love it, isn't it? And the losing's awful. But financially, it's not costing you anything. No,

it is. Is it? Oh, yeah. Why? Because you pay to play. Yeah. You pay to play it? Yeah. and the losing's awful but financially it's not costing you anything no it is is it oh yeah why you pay to play yeah you pay to play it

yeah why you pay to buy packs of players oh Mick what the fuck they've done this to me and it's mind blowing

the average person like digital footy stickers that you can play with what the average the average lad probably does Alan John play for you

I wish he did well put him on your team it's the same do you have to pay John play for you? I wish he did. Well, put him on your team. It's the same thing. Do you have to pay a night to play online? You don't have to, but you lose a competitive edge unless you do. You can't win unless you've got the best players. So they've taken the fun out of it, then? Yeah.

No, they've put the money into it. Yeah, but they've taken the fun out of it. The idea of any game when it started was once you bought the game, you got as good as you could playing that. Yeah, but the EA sports whoever making these games have worked out

that's just making 50 60 quid once yeah these kids are spending I've spent a lot of money on this FIFA

why because a grand you play football yourself physically not as much as I used to maybe you should

do maybe I should. But yeah, I'd say I'd buy it. You can't have like 45 games of five-a-side in one night. You can. Of course you fucking can. It's all for your health. Winner stays on.

First goal wins. Winner stays on. Boom. You get 45 teams lined up, ready to go. Come on. That's so easy to organise as well. Oh, it's new. Nick has pushed a button.

I'm fucking too right. Yeah. But it's bad. And I bet you a lot of lads would say that as well I don't think my relationship with FIFA is quite as bad as yours is

why? I get angry with it but I just turn it off I'm like ah I know I do but when I'm playing it I'm not enjoying it I am

I'm not as bad as you but I don't think why don't you form your own local team and manage your team form a team and manage your team that'd be better for you

that'd be better for your mental health it would maybe it should you should do sponsored manage your team. Form a team and manage your team. That'd be better for you. That'd be better for your mental health. It would. Maybe it should. You should do. Sponsored by Have A Word. Get a team. Get a local team. Get a team of ne'er-do-wells and fucking proper,

get proper, like, fucked up young men on. Yeah. Yeah. And then put a team together. Make a documentary about how you're going to change their lives, but at the end of the year you're crying because it's still fucking robbing and fucking battering people yes mate

because you've wasted thousands make sure the Xbox is on yeah do that or play FIFA yeah and you're just

sat there in your body kit you can feel all the emotions but yeah gaming is not as fun as it used to be it's very competitive and it's very money

is Frogger still popular online no online what are you eradicating Adam minor inconvenience not as fun as it used to be. It's very competitive and it's very money. Is Frogger still popular online? No. Online. What are you eradicating, Adam? Minor inconvenience from my life. Do you think it's... Nothing makes me more volatile and angry

than, like, just missing a green light and it goes to red. Right. Or, like, just missing a train. Or, like, if I... So I have to wait for my lift in my building waiting for that lift because there's two lifts

if they're going up and down because other people are using them that gives me a burning anger that I would not get if the building was on fire with all my possessions it sounds like you've got a time management problem not an actual inconvenience if you're just missing a train that's your fault

it's just it's your fault do you not try and turn up late you're trying to use it as a positive so in my head say i'm late for something like off i have to do this i'll go i'll have to crash the car no i'm the exact opposite actually i go oh why don't you i was gonna bump into the love of my life you're regaling the lift why Why don't you Yuri Geller the lift? You've got two lifts. Yuri Geller it and just say, I'm going to have that one, the right one on the right. Because I'm not magical like Yuri.

Yeah, but you could. What about major inconvenience? I'm concerned. So if there's like a fucking missile attack, you're like, what can I do about it? Exactly. Yuri Geller. I've got no.

Dragon Ball Z. Yuri seems like the fucking. I've got no problem Ball Z you already seem like the fucking I've got no problem with major issues in my life like I've had like serious

like family problems and I'm just like I just have to get on with it it's fine but waiting for the lift makes me want to murder whoever's like if I could

click me fingers and I don't have to deal with the grief of their family and they just died in the lift I would kill people I sort of get you. I get your minor little things like I do. There's a line I heard Jack D say once

which fucking made me howl about when you've pressed for a lift and you've pressed a button and then somebody else comes along and does the same thing. Yeah. Or like waiting for a green man. I can't explain to you how fucking angry

that makes me feel. Any minor inconvenience ruins me for an hour like it drives me mad really yeah i just like i think it's because it's a waste of me time and i don't have any time being wasted even though days are too long i know that sounds like a contradiction but it isn't that's why i don't like losing on fifa the last 10 minutes have been a waste of my time because i haven't won actually being at a bar when you're not getting served because the barman isn't like making sure they're serving the next person

you know when someone just wanders up and they're not keeping keeping track of who's being served multi-served man that's so fucking irritating yes

that little those little annoyances I'll go sorry mates I'm next actually bar etiquette yes I've been I've been kneeling in a couple of fights

for this at the bar when I've said to people no there's a system here you arrive late somebody else is before you I will openly been kneeling a couple of fights for this at the bar when I've said to people going no no there's a system here you've arrived late somebody else is before you I will openly tell people and a couple of times people have got angry about it

and gone it's a fair game it's fucking not there's a system it's when you got there yeah exactly yeah and if you get there and you're an asshole

I'm usually good at telling I'll go right he was there before me so if they come to me you start running if they come to me if they come to me I'll go no he was

he was before me and then he was next that's the cool they come to me if they come to me I go no he was before me and then he was next that's the cool thing to do you go no no they were first and then you're next for that move of course yeah when you're in the supermarket queue

and it's got a little bit long in your queue and you're like third from getting served and then they open up the line near you and the cunt two behind you spotted it before you have

and all of a sudden there's a fucking file off and you're in that weird position of going should i stay or should i just go to that new queue i find that very fucking irritating my phone or irritating because you're like picking the wrong queue in a bank well it should it's like picking the wrong queue it's picking the wrong queue i i've got a habit of doing that guarantee and i think i think this is self-determined i bring it on myself sometimes because i fucking stand on a queue go I better put the wrong cue and I fucking have I have

I know I have passport controls the same shit you're like oh that one looks like it's going quicker and then you're in it and then

oh it just you can see this one just start filing through or they open up a second passport oh I hate that stuff you have to try

and make it into I just think to myself oh I'm meant to get there when I'm meant to get there I know, but if you could eradicate all of these from your life, how much better

would you fucking feel? That's not a bad one. I think the thing that makes me angriest at the minute is my phone connecting to Wi-Fi that it's been on before

that now no longer works but is still there. Yeah. So, like, I go to Google or, like,

open an Instagram message and it won't work and I'm like, why is it? Because initially it doesn't, like, change from the 5G message and it won't work and I'm like why is it because initially it doesn't like change from the 5G to the Wi-Fi symbol

and you're like what's going on and then a minute later it's like ah we're on that internet we're on the BT cloud or something we're on the Aviva

because that bus drove past you five minutes ago yes we're trying to be on that bus Wi-Fi that's what's annoying when you're trying to do something on your phone

and all of a sudden it'll pop up do you want to join such and that way you've got a fucking door I'm trying to Google something here get off

yeah yeah that's annoying I think that's the phone I fucking don't I'm trying to google something here get off yeah yeah that's annoying I think that's the phone's problem that's a great one to take away though in terms of you're going to

eradicate something yeah those little those little cumulative things that are going to make you have a heart attack at 60

yeah yeah I've always had 60 in my head that's why I'm done I think you reckon yeah

I'm just trying to live as much as I can what are you going to do at 60 are you going to just start leaning in done I think you reckon yeah I'm just trying to live as much as I can what are you going to do at 60 are you going to just start leaning in no I mean

but say you just get to 61 you're like oh my god free pass yeah I'll probably start doing like smack and stuff

and just try all the things I've held myself back from you probably have grandkids what you don't have to be a smacker

you probably have grandkids to look after I'll be smacker Adam smacker granddad Adam and if you've

got money as well which you will have at that time as well you'll have plenty of money you can be a comfortable Smackhead you don't have to be a functioning Smackhead

you don't have to be one that's walking 100 miles an hour around the town centre with a carrier bag you know what I mean you can be with a long term boyfriend

we've been together six hours we'll have Smack dinner parties with all my Smack friends yeah it would also be some of us would be old school we'd chase a dragon be on tinfoil he'd probably be injecting at that point the other six hours. We'll have smack dinner parties with all my smack friends. Yeah. It would also success. And some of us would be old school,

would chase a dragon, be on tinfoil. He'd probably be injecting at that point. Probably the soles of his feet. Apparently good heroin. I mean... That's the thing, isn't it?

I'd get the pure stuff, yeah. It's like... Yeah, it's like... Is it Keith Richards who's from the Rolling Stones who's been on heroin for 50 years? Well, he probably has.

Because he's just been on the good stuff. He can afford the good stuff, yeah. It's the good heroin, isn't it? All, like, really bad? No, there are... You can have better stuff. Yeah.

But does it not have the same effect on your body? No, it can have a bad effect. You reckon sometimes when there is a batch going round that is making people OD, it's probably because it's too pure and it's not been fucked up enough with. Oh, you need the shit then? Just for smack head?

To start off with. Granddad's smack head. You just dilute it, don't you? Don't drink it straight. Oh, you're talking methadone now? What? Methadone. What's that?

You drink it. What do you use to get you off of heroin? You drink methadone. You start on that, don't you, and build up? Well, no, you can use that as a shot. Methadone shots. Methadone. Methadone shots. Methadone chaser.

Yeah. Just for the record, we were like, yeah, you've got to be careful with that really pure heroin. The mucky stuff's better for you. It did not. Your system's used to it. To be honest, yeah, but the thing is as well, you can't invite Uri Geller round if you're going to be cooking up.

He'll be dead by the time I'm 60, though, won't he? Spoons will be fucked. Yuri Geller round if you're going to be cooking up he'll be dead by the time I'm 60 though spoons will be fucked it's all come

everything's come round to Yuri Geller he's the answer to everything that's why who's the biggest gob-shake in the world can we get Yuri Geller on

no he's awful imagine this your mics your mics will be all like this they are anyway because of the shit getting Yuri Geller on

would be fantastic no it wouldn't he can laugh at himself him oh my he can his ex his ex is really

secret service as well isn't he exactly and you don't get there if you're meant to be is he gay what is that what

is that what ex is really secret service means his ex is really he is you said he is no he's

no he is an ex israeli if you said he is No He's X He is an X Israeli Oh They said he is X's What? Clip it Clip that one

That's clippable Should we do a have a word? I don't know what the opposite of fire is But Carl's been on that today I've been on both actually Ice Carl's been on ice today Rachel says

Hi Adam, Dan and Carl And Mick Ferry. I don't know how she knew. It's amazing. Wow. I was wondering if you could have a word with a guy I was dating. Let's call him Dan, which is his real name. We were only dating for about six months.

Within that time, he went through a bad period. His dad passed away and he lost his job. I tried to be there for him as best I could and ended up lending him about 1,200 quid. We've stayed in touch briefly since ending and now he's in a better place and got a new job. So I have asked for some of my money back. He either ignores my messages or says he hasn't got it,

but goes out every weekend drinking, plays poker several nights a week. I know it's my own fault for being a fucking mug and lending him the money, but I was just trying to help him. Please have a word as I'd like him to stop being a tramp and give me my money back. Thanks, Rachel.

It sounds like he plays a lot of poker, which means he's probably really good at it. So I think what you should do is come up with a compromise and say to him, right, that's 1,200 quid you owe me. Use that for your next buy-in. And whether you win or lose it, I get it. So if you lose it all, sound, and I don't get it back. But if you win the prize pass, I get all of it.

Well, playing a lot of poker doesn't mean you're good at it. Anything you practice, you get good at, Michael. He's literally an in-recover gambling addict. Let me tell you, I didn't stop you. I'm sober. I can play poker. I'm a pretty good poker player. But when you play something a lot,

it doesn't always mean you're actually good at it. I mean, I played football every week for school teams and local teams wasn't good at it because no offense that's why i'm sat here now as a fat you were better than when you started i'm not better now i'm 53 for sake if i was better now stop playing it's because i stopped playing no i don't think i i it's a good solution what you're saying about the buy-in and for £1,200 you get a buy-in

to a decent game but if he's a shit poker player that's her money wasted but then they'll underestimate him so I doesn't maybe in another universe in another universe

he's playing with Elton John and you're going to get left so I would personally I would if he if he knows he owes this money as he's playing with Elton John and Yonagela. So, I would personally, I would... If he knows he owes this money and said he owes this money,

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, look, £100 a week then, 12 weeks. I'll accept that. Oh, put you on a Bright House payment. I'd accept that. I'd accept that. A shite house payment? Yeah, I'd accept that off him.

£50 a week, but you've got to pay back 1,600. And if not, you release all the dick pics he probably sent in the relationship. Because if he's borrowing money, he's probably sent dick pics.

Or start sending him dick pics until he pays you, because he won't like them. Yeah. Excuse me, can I have a picture of your dick, please? Why?

Because I'm owed 1,200 quid, and I listen to a podcast with knobheads. um yeah it's a it's a scummy move in it too yeah i still owe one of my i'm this is bad that's really bad but i owe one of my girlfriends from like 15 years ago about 180 quid right i'm telling you right now the next patreon special is finding Sarah. That's a film, isn't it? Just forgetting.

She's called Sarah Marshall. With inflation now and interest rates. Oh, my God. How long ago? 10 years ago? We split up in 2008. 14 years ago. 14 years ago.

So I think that's around about £490 you are now. £500. I'm sorry? Yeah. Who are you? Rachel from Countdown? What's just happened there? Where have you pulled that number from?

We've got the inflation calculator up. Have you? Ice, ice, baby! So £180 in the year, what year was it? 2008. Oh, a long time ago. £2,008. £236. Oh, a long time ago. 2008. 236 pounds.

Yeah, but then with interest. With interest. That's without interest. That's just inflation. Yeah, why is she... Hang on. What do you mean with interest? Just call it 300 quid. Say you owe the girl 300 quid.

Oh, all right. What's that for? What was the 180 quid for? Headshots. It was for headshots. Headshots. It was for headshots. Was it?

She's an assassin. Well, you weren't using Hollywood, were you? I want to know what film it was from, that reference. It's not. Oh, right. You're the standard comedian. Was it for headshots? Because you weren't using Hollywood, were you? 180 quid. Imagine how much for Nobbed. I'd been a professional comedian

for four years. Babe, I really think my headshots are fucking me holding the mat. Can you lend me 180 quid? Why haven't you paid her back? I haven't spoken to her since 2008. Was it messy? It was a clean, no contact break. Oh, wow.

Oh, it was bad, yeah. She needed me out of her life. So she's happy you have the 180 quid. Well, that's a bargain, really, if you she's happy you have the 180 quid in fact she'll be it's a bargain really if you want someone to have your life 180 quid

it's actually not a bad deal is it 180 quid you know when you split up and you're like this is not good for either of us

yeah what did you do I just kept borrowing money not paying back I just kept getting headshots this is sounding

so oddly familiar to me i just i really was toxic and there was money no but it was christmas and i just wanted to treat myself and a purse was there what did you do dan and i was like fuck i'll just pay and she was on her internet banking which is really early for an internet bank she was like i don't remember buying headshots I think she had my this sounds like I'm an absolute scuzzbag

but I think I couldn't get a phone contract because my credit was so shit and she went oh look I'll put I'll put the contract

in my name we split up and there was still like six months of the contract so the contract ran that's unlimited calls minutes in tax

I'm telling you right now it wasn't under 80 she wasn't like a physical 180 quid i realized that that's worse so she was for six months after breaking up every month 30 quid was coming out of her account yeah fuck yeah she loved you yeah well because if she cancelled it it would have been her credit rating yeah oh shit you've got to buy the bollocks you've got to buy the absolute slaps no but that's what

so so I don't know fuck me you'll be on you'll be the Tinder swindler you'll be on Netflix yeah that's how you do it

the Tinder swindler every time I use the call I was texting bear bitches bear bitches you'll be the plenty of fish piece of shit bear grills is good

everyone's trying to do bits I just sat back and watched what should I do you're going to have to get in touch with her

she doesn't want to speak to you Dan she'd have asked for the money do you know what your money was being paid for a

phone contract and she couldn't even call you to fucking tell you that she wants the money back so I think that tells you everything

she knew the number tell me her name and let me find her. And I'll go and I'll deliver it. And I'll be like, look, you don't need to know what this is for, but you're actually owed this. And I'll be like the secret millionaire sort of thing. The secret 300 quid. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't know me. Just let me find her. Oh, I've got to make something. I mean, she could have not realised and she was spending too much money every month for six months she could have ended up in serious debt she might be homeless now or something we don't know she could have just spiralled into a life

that's got out of control and not realised she was 30 quid short but she's going to really appreciate the 300 quid then isn't she what's her name Tanya. Tanya. Tanya.

Oh, she filled a big place in my heart. Yeah. It's not Tanya, is it? What's her name? Tanya. No, it isn't Tanya Harding. Tanya Harding. It is, yeah.

The fucking ice skater. Yeah. Isn't that Tanya? We were in love. Yeah, but I called her Tanya. Her name was Tanya Harding, but it was my little pet name for her i called it tanya yeah she thought he attacked the lady isn't it yeah because she was angry about that 30 quid a month she's fuming yeah find track it down adam i want to find her. Yeah. I need a real name.

What's her first name? Come on, just first name. Tanny. Tanny Gray Thompson. Yeah. I love her so much. Right. She's my Paralympian.

That's why I can't watch the Paralympics. For another reason. Because you fail to qualify for the events. I've got my head shots done for it Got my blades I think that's one of the What's her first name? Tanya Shanners

Shania Shania Twain It's Steve Shaniaskania Twain It's Shania Twain You're Shania Twain 180 degrees It's Steve Shaniowski I think it's Sarah I feel like it's a Sarah as well

I think it's Sarah Because something slipped I said Sarah And he looked nervous I actually think it might be Shania Twain It was Sarah Harding Oh Oh

What a shame God bless What a weird time to do that joke Yeah She was a patron Oh, what a shame. God bless. What a weird time to do that joke. Yeah, she was a patron. I was a patron. If you're following football, you kiss your wrists. I don't know why.

Kids are doing that now, aren't they? Have you seen that thing? Kids are copying. Kids playing football are copying what they see in the premiership. Covering their mouths when they talk to each other. Thank you, God. god pointing to the sky with the score yeah hey

I tell you what my dad's watching and he's a fucking prick yeah I know yeah I know that's the reason why you're starting you know

also your fucking breath stinks is that Maguire yeah there's a guy we know called Kyle he's going to start a football team

I don't trust him I want to find this woman And give her what she's owed That sounded sexual Oh that sounds awful That sounded sexual What the fuck That sounded

In a mankini Do you know Dan Nightingale? Well I'm his business partner And I've not brought the card Flops his dick out You want to see me fuck my own arse? Right Can we

End This Utterly ridiculous podcast Mick thanks for coming in No thank you for having me What is your Instagram and Twitter handles It's just

Mickferry At Mickferry Capital M Capital F Wonderful Mick will be back on the couch At some point Not before long

That was absolutely fantastic Dan Nightingale starts his tour next week, dannightingale.com first ever proper tour it's very exciting tickets at dannightingale.com, appreciate it being Belfast, Saturday the 3rd Dublin and then week after

is Nantwich, Colwyn Bay is already sold out, so I'll be letting you know about that if you would like to send in a have a word if you want to bitch about your friends, your family family your partner have a word pod at gmail.com sign up to the patreon we have the biggest patron in the country one of the biggest in the world patreon.com slash have a word pod from a little as three pounds a month you can join the revolution um i put a load of work in progress shows on sale. Eight of them in Liverpool and two

in London. All of the seats sold out so I added some standing tickets for the Liverpool ones. Most of them have sold as well. They're on

adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows. There's just standing tickets left but they're going to be fun. September's line up I haven't booked yet.

They're Adam Rowan friends so I'll be doing half an hour to 60 minutes depending on how much I've written. October I've got Sarah Keyworth and Alfie Brown doing it I've written October I've got Sarah Keyworth

and Alfie Brown doing it with me November I've got Isha and Akbar doing it with me and someone else they're going to be fun and I might be looking

for some stage time yeah just on a quiet yeah we've got an arena to think about yeah I've got I'm trying to raise

a new 20 for the arena show oh speaking of the arena show gigsandtours.com ticketcourts.co.uk. There's about 500 tickets left and then we have sold out the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. Lick, lick, lick my balls.

Plans are coming along for that. And we've been talking a lot about music lately off camera in here because I've become such a big fan of country music and Finn is on board with that as well

and he's a musician. You know, he does some stuff. So we end our episodes now with a song from a band who send us a song and it doesn't go out on youtube because we get copyright struck but it goes on the audio version so if you're a youtube viewer the show is over you could fuck off really uh but if you are an audio listener finn who who is this week's uh featured artist what is their song? And yeah. It's a brilliant country song this week. Is it? No.

Of course not. Yeah, go on, Fred. No, this week. You've come dangerously close to getting fired from both of us today. Honey and mustard dip. This week is a guy called Gaz Price. It's a great little tune.

It's called Leave Them Be. Enjoy. Barf-a-leez-you. Sounds like let it be. Is it a cover? It might be. Leave them be. Leave them be.

Cheers, mate. Leave them be. Love you, bye. Leave them be. We'll be right back. night, but I'm feeling up alive. These boys they love a fight. So they're taking everything inside. How can

it be telling stories to be this deep? With boots on their feet, they march into terror. With boots on their feet, they march into the terror dreams Take the train, go where it goes Going wherever the wind blows Caught in a long while, I better go

Got a buddy when I talk to foe Just one look and you'll see Better off to leave than me Better have a little symmetry Cause y'all tell me it's coming on No matter if they're sober or they're leathered Their birds are the same as us Cause maybe this is how we're meant to be

With nobody else to kiss A thought amongst the weeds How can it be Telling stories to be the deed With roots on their feet They march into terror Take the train to where it goes Going wherever the wind blows

Causing all the whatever to go Got up and you wanna judge this fool Just follow me and you will see Better off to leave that be A bit of battle, we'll send it free Cause the all- town beat is coming home