Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #188 with Michelle de Swarte - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

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Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a belter. Now I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The sauce time. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me Hey! You all right? Hey!

Hey! Ow! Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. Why are you doing an opportunity? I don't know. It's not. It's my Christopher Walken.

Oh my God, I mean, that was nice. Oh my God, that felt right. Did it? I just love this voice and i think i'm gonna do it more how are you guys hi welcome to have a word this is adam rao and dad nightingale actually oh sorry row um oh how are you you're right yeah you're good quite a quiet night went to watch the footy and went to bed. Yeah.

Big gig last night. We've got to tell everyone about. Yeah. Preston. How was it? My penultimate preview. Pretty, pretty big. People are like tweeting, going, Dan tells the story.

It must have been magical. It was. Got my favorite garlic bread from across the road. Oh, yeah. We went for the Chinese with Dave Chappelle and Jeff. I have not finished my Preston preview story, guys. Sorry. You were at a gig. I was at a gig.

You know, I'm from Preston. Pretty important. It's Dave Chappelle. Chappelle. Chappelle. Chappelle over your word. Is he from Liverpool? No.

Am I from Preston? Yeah. So last night, there was a bit of WhatsApp magic going around, wasn't there, while you were at the game. Did you find out at the game?

Yeah. So tell us what happened because, I mean, it's pretty magical. Even Laura's like, what the fuck? She saw it on Instagram. Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock are doing a show tonight on the 1st of September, as we are recording on the 1st of September, at the Arena in Liverpool. So he was in Liverpool last night and he asked Hot Water, could he go down and jump on at the very in Liverpool so he was in Liverpool

last night and he asked Hot Water could he go down and jump on at the very end of the show and they were like

ah Phil Chapman is booked in though okay we'll ask him to do ten minutes less he had to fill for like half an hour Phil

Phil had to fill he'd done well even Dave whoever the host is fucking fair play for Phil and for half an hour oh so phil chapman was comparing yeah oh and he had to where was smith he's on tour he just wasn't there

how weird is that oh it was still full low like it's not normally fought but they were only doing one show oh i'm sort of gutted for smith yeah yeah now his life's good yeah his life is pretty good he's probably sat in his lamborghini he's fine probably sat in his lamborghini eating shumais is that what he does now he's now he's made it just driving around in his shoe mice these shoe mice displease me another shumai he has an an actual shoe my maker that just follows him around um so dave spiel went on uh you say jumped on that as a very liberal he didn't jump on did he he did two hours well he went on and did like 20 minutes on his own and then went oh um i've got the roast master general with me jeff ross is here let's get jeff ross on and then they

were on stage together for another hour and a half right um just a combination of every now and then dropping an unbelievable punch line or like two minute bit and then absolutely eating a bag of shit for five minutes at a time so i looked at the shots uh looked at the picture that you put online and it just occurred to me that there might be some people in that crowd who were just like yeah we're going down comedy on a thursday and i have no real idea what they've just seen some american lad and his mates came on because the because the crowd was emptying out because people had to get buses and trains at some point yeah chapelle like assistant, I assume she must have been, was like,

Dave, apparently the bus system here is shit. Like, you're going to have to get off stage. And he was like, no, I don't. If people want to go and get the bus, they can go and I'll still be gone when there's only four people left. Yeah. But because of that,

Dave Chappelle walked hot water. It's like we just sat there with him just talking. Preston was good though, yeah. That was the bit where i got fomo i will never cancel a one-man show i've waited too long to do them and last night was the best preview which is nice because i start the tour on saturday and i always get a little bit of fear about hometown gigging because it's not like liverpool which is your hometown which is a city which is where you've made your career i left preston and i go back there occasionally and there's been some pretty bad gigs and when they're bellens i said this last night i feel very responsible for the bellends i'm like oh god you're my bellends i went to school with

you you're probably my fucking cousin when they're like it's fucking painful and last night they were the opposite they were absolutely perfect i ran the show out and i nailed it like i got it it's a funny one because if you're a punter you might not you will get it there's days at work where you're just on your fucking metal there's days when we're in here where we stop recording and go well that was just middle of the bat every time and that that was how last night was. And I saw you all going to, you were like, I'm leaving the match early.

I knew. I've never done that in my life, by the way. Dean was like, fucking hell. And we scored a 97 minute winner. I know, but still. Oh yeah, yeah. I have too. I have too. I had to, I didn't get FOMO at all.

It was fun. But that, that bit, now I've got FOMO. Do you know, I had a wonderful little personal moment, by the way. I know this is so stupid, but I was at the back, like, stifling and laughing at myself at how ridiculous it was. Because he was on stage, he was maybe an hour and 20 minutes in at this point. So I started, you know, by the sound of the hot water, that's where I was sat.

And then I went into the bar, got a Diet Coke, and I went and stood at the other back bit. You know, like the recess. Where the old was your green rumors where the old green room is Oh, yeah, so I might have forgotten about that green room like right right sort of yeah Yeah, yeah in the middle of the stage by that like sort of by the door And I forgot there's like a safety light so obviously I was little and there was a the people to like stage left It was like a to them and I, I seen her like go to his bed. Fuck off.

Adam Rose. Dave Chappelle. Jeff Ross. And it just, it sent me head west. That is. That's like literally say Messi and Raquel May. And then go fucking hell.

Lee Trundle. It was funny being in the green me and Steve got there in four minutes after that WhatsApp and the green you got a new car tomorrow

the green room was busy busier than usual and everyone was like smirking at each other and people would turn up just coming like why are you here

but I said no reason I always pop down to see my pals on a Thursday what had happened on a wednesday what had happened was so they go on they do an hour and 45 and they were literally a mixture and they were talking about this on stage they were like it chappelle went i'm gonna tell every comic in america they've got to come and bomb a hot water this is the right we're gonna make this

the club in the uk he's like because this is what we're supposed to do he goes we go on we fuck around and we just bomb and figured it out he's like so he went if you want to leave you leave but we're just going to keep going i'm having fun and he'd get another beard he'd order a shot of tequila and he was just doing what what he wanted to do well he said that's how they relax he went thanks for letting us do this this is us us chilling out. You're just here to watch. Yeah. It's very, very, very self-indulgent, but you can self-indulge when it's after the show and you're giving the audience the option to leave with no. If anyone stood up right in the middle of the front row and left, he didn't even mention them.

He didn't even go, where the fuck are you? He just went and started talking that way. He even said I'm walking the room, but fuck it. I missed a magic. Yeah, it was. Special. So there's so many things here. There's so many things.

That's so un-British. It's so un-British. Yeah. And who are the only people in Britain who are going to do shows like this? It's us, isn't it? It's us. Because our podcast style is American.

No one has done an American style podcast until we started this he was very interested in this podcast as well yeah Jeff was as well he's next time round isn't he

next UK visit I don't think Chappelle will ever do it he's not a big podcaster is he well no he turned Rogan down for years Jeff Ross was a bit

more open to it because Carl was really pushing I was shooting my shot I kept going Dave you go what I go are you busy tomorrow when you go I ain't to it because Carl was really pushing. I was shooting my shot. I kept going, Dave, you go, what I go,

are you busy tomorrow? And he go, I ain't doing it, man. I was like, Jeff, you busy tomorrow? And he go, and he slowly get,

he went, I'll give you my email. Which he did. Which he did. Jeff Ross would be a fucking brilliant guest. Here's what happened, right? So we come off,

he comes off stage and we go into the backstage area and Chappelle's assistant is like, there can't be this many people back here. Like either I get Dave out the building now and we go into the backstage area and Chappelle's assistant is like there can't be this many people back here like either I get Dave out the building now and we go or you get some of these people out like we can't have she was like I know a lot of them are local comics and stuff but there's too many people Dave's very worried about security if you want to all stay that's fine but then we're gonna leave so a few people left and i was with my mate josh

so what had happened was me and josh had gone to match together we both parked our cars in tubrook and when we left he went oh i'll just come in your car just give me a lift back to my car in a bit so i went let's just go love i'll take you to your car and i thought that was the end of the night so i take josh to tubrook and as i get there he's texted me and said where have you gone we're literally sat around drinking and talking with Dave and Candyman was there taking pictures Jeff Ross was there

Dave was like I was like I'm on my way back who's there that we know now who is it has it gone down to his Rob Thomas

Simon Wozniak Liam Bolton Liam Bolton asked one of the funniest you know Liam Bolton's style so we'll get to that in a sec right but Vidal was there one of the funniest you know liam button's style so we'll get to that in a sec right but uh vidal was there one of our listeners who like uh done some architecture for carlos

working with hot water and stuff and it dave's supposed just talking and asking questions and stuff and i just sort of walk into this conversation but they're talking about have a word as i walk in the room so carl goes- I made sure Have A Word was- So Carl's like, yeah, it's called Have A Word. And Sheffield goes, so it's pretty big, huh? And Carl goes, it's the biggest comedy podcast in the UK. And he goes, and what's the format? And Carl went, well, the hosts just walked in.

He stood right there and he goes, oh, hey man, you host the biggest comedy podcast in the whole of the UK. Oh my God, I'm going to take my pants off. I'm going to take my pants off. I'm going to take my pants off. Oh, I'm going to start wanking on the pod. Keep going. Keep going.

I'm not quite there yet. And then he goes, he goes, he goes to me. I don't want to pry, but are you making good money? And I was like, well, yeah. And he goes, so you can make money from comedy in the UK. And I, as a joke, went, well, you kind of, you've got a podcast as well. And he goes so you can make money from comedy in the uk and i as a joke went well you can if you've got a podcast as well and he goes look you don't have to but i want to and then rob thomas with his fucking he's like yeah no come over here you're like 60 40 60

grand that's what like comedians make over here like they're doing the clubs now and she goes and you can live on that and i went i'll just not i'll not put another chip in it i'll just let the conversation happen but then he was asking about it he then goes so do any of you guys work in america and robert's got oh just just him actually and he goes oh so where have you worked i went oh i've done the cellar gotham a new york comedy club and he's like and then jeff ross comes back and then he goes the conversation's moved on but he goes to jeff hey jeff you know this guy he works in america he's worked all over new york and then jeff recognized he goes and i went yeah we met before a top secret comedy club and he goes oh yeah i love that room but we're just sat around talking about comedy and the difference between

you know what was the uk in the us when so jeff went to me so who have you had on i don't know we've had because he's working with Jimmy Carter oh we've had Jimmy oh great and the names I was saying I went Shane Gillis and he tapped

Dave went you've had Shane Gillis on and Dave was like that's sick and then we've got some big Americans coming up

that we can't say and they were impressed by them as well they were slowly going okay these are so what Chappelle said about hot water will have a knock on effect

for hot water when Americans because they've been patronized by the the goat yeah right the same happened with us with jimmy carr jimmy carr was big for us because it was jimmy carr but it also made other big comedians go well fuck if jimmy carr has done have a word yeah it's like it's like comics at that level want to see that someone else's jimmy i didn't give a fuck he was the like it's like comics at that level want to see that someone else's jimmy carter didn't give a fuck he was the one that was like yeah yeah you're doing good work shane gillis is going to have that effect for us isn't it because gillis is one of the biggest

new names in stand-up like rogan's all over him like because he realizes who he is he's the next big thing yeah and shane's going to have that effect I love the fact that we've had Gillis on because that special I've probably watched it 6-7 times now, every time I've gone back to watch it I'm like oh there's another 700,000 people have watched that YouTube special it's getting bigger and bigger

because his new hour is a lot better than the special oh my god but it's so Chappelle being at Hot Water has an amazing effect for Hot Water his new hour is a lot better than the special. Oh my God. But it's, so Chappelle being at hot water has an amazing effect for hot water. Like he said, he wants to make that the UK club that people do. Chris DiStefano's coming to Liverpool.

Like he put a poll up. And I love Glasgow, but Glasgow lost the vote. And I think he'll do both anyway. I would want him to do both, but I love that Liverpool, like, and I imagine

it was some of our lids getting on it as well that helps Liverpool gigging we're going to be in Liverpool the podcast it's all it's so beautiful

to watch well I said that to both of them I said because Chappelle was like oh Rob Thomas asked them how come you're just doing

London and Liverpool like most people normally do Manchester and Chappelle went well the guy at Live Nation told me that Liverpool was more my vibe and I went you are literally in

the best city for UK comedy at the minute to be honest with you but everyone's asked this is really funny everyone's asking them questions people are asking like

Jeff Ross roast questions Chappelle comedy questions and it went silent for a second and Liam Bolton went, hey, who's the fattest person you've ever roasted? And he went, this one's for you, Liam.

And he went, Roseanne. Like immediately. Do you know what was weird though? I don't know whether you felt this, and this might sound fucking insane, it was weird how normal it felt. I said that to him. It didn't feel like it wasn't

like it was oh this is a surreal night this is mad it just felt like oh yeah chapelle's in town and of course we got to have a beer with him because he's a comic yeah he's a proper comic and also i think it's this i think now because like the amount of people who've messaged me since last night going oh he's obviously doing the part he isn't he doesn't really do them but because that that mentality is in our listeners and us it's like oh a big comic is in town they're obviously going to be why would they not want to we we we have only barely scratched the surface then he goes he goes uh i want to eat can we go and get some food you missed a bit before you came back

so we would sit it was like i've seen the scene in the simpsons when everyone's sitting around abe listening to him yeah it's. It's like an old fucking, not granddad, because he's not that old, but like someone who's like wise. Everyone was just sitting listening to him like that and he was talking about like

how important having one guy in the community or one thing in the community to help it grow. And I was sitting there like, yeah, that's us, that Dave. It was so sick. He was like,

you just need, he's like, I want to find the new hot shit. I don't want to get people who've already made he's like I want to find the new hot shit I don't want to get people who've already made it on I want to find the new thing

and he said you know the community has got one thing that helps everyone else grow and I was like that's our thing felt fucking boss

yeah it's mad he wanted to eat so we were like right we'll the Mayflower is normally where we would go for Chinese but it was shut

but there was one place left open called Chili Chili no we went to Jumbo's Jumbo City in Chinatown so I

I told his driver where we were going and his driver was like okay so they drove down into Chinatown we went

how big is his entourage just three vans of big men I text I text Paul Blair at one point because Paul Blair

turned up but at one point he was still at the match and he was like Blair text me and said how deep is he rolling and I said deep there's more black people in this room than I've ever been before there's four

do you know the wings do the wings to Hot Waterby and access the stage he had two bodyguards there at all times you know because he got tackled on stage. He's very very very nervous about

that. He's also his best mate who's doing a tour with got fucking slapped by Will Smith. There's been a

bad little run recently. We were going to walk to Chinatown and he went I'm going to have to get the car

down because I don't want to get tackled again. And I was like you're not going to get tackled

on fucking Hardman Street in Liverpool, Dave. And he was like, I can't risk it. He was in the front seat. It was so funny to see. Like literally just, Dave,

we were still outside the Chinese to see Dave Chappelle coming down the street and it like fucking potted off his twat, by the way. Sorry. He was potted off his twat.

He was potted off his twat. Just rolling down the car. I was like, I was like, what's going on? And he actually said it. He was like, man, I'm potted off my twat He was potted off his twat Just rolling down the car I was like I was like He actually said it He was like Man I'm potted off my twat But where

Geoff Ross paid for the entire meal For everyone Yeah And Rob Thomas was there And Freddie Quinn Oh my god It was fucking magical At one point

Geoff goes Dinner's on me And Rob went You haven't seen how much I eat lad And I went I think he gets the gist though he's got a rough idea i was saying to adam because when we got there the tannies was dead it was wednesday night it was 2 a.m or something yeah and the fella who was they saw rob thomas walk in and think oh this is going to be good

no he was pissed off the owner was pissed off oh classic and think, oh, this is going to be good. No, he was pissed off. The owner was pissed off. Oh, classic. And I said, what's happened is, he's rang his wife and gone, I'll be home in half an hour. And she's gone, right. And then he's rang back and gone,

I can't come home. Dave Chappelle's come in. And she's gone, you're chatting shit. He's like, no, Dave Chappelle's here. But we couldn't get pictures. Like, you ain't even allowed to get your phone out round him like I was texting like this and one of his one of his boys came over

he was fucking lovely to be fair he went you're gonna have to text lower down can you lower your phone please he said cause like don't even attempt

to get a picture of him yeah but uh Jeff Ross and Candyman took a few pictures in the Chinese though yeah but they said they're gonna send to us

they're a lot just big group pictures okay you're talking about a guy who exists in a stratosphere we don't fully understand do you know what though

I've got to be 100% honest with you like I want this to become the biggest thing in the world and I want to be able to sell a lot of tickets as a comic his entourage

and his whole life because of it is so intense it put me off for a bit that him and jeff ross was so unbelievably sound and a lot of his team were really really sound as well but there's an intensity to it and a nervousness about everyone that i was like a suspicion that's got to be someone trying to fuck them over yeah yeah he's got he's put he's to fuck them over. Yeah. Yeah. He's put his trust in these people who literally put their life

on the line for him. Well, but I mean, not to sound too like wanky wanky, but what's he done with you? Like, what's,

what have you done with Stee? I'd never met Stee and you got Stee. Finn, we employed because. No, no, no. But like, if someone comes up to me

in car asking for a photo at Leeds Festival, Stee isn't going, no, no, no, no no no but like if someone comes up to me and Carl asking for a photo at Leeds Festival Stee isn't going no no no but I mean no you're not there I mean he was I know you're not there

mate I reckon Stee can throw fuck in I but I mean on the very smallest level you've your

your status has grown what you're doing has grown like it's a bit different with you and me because we started the pod together but you got your boy in he got his boy in

like you do that and I imagine that if that had to grow it's not like you go right we're going to security are us

you're going to go to people you're just like we can all have our big black mates to come and do it like Dave Chappelle has all of them yeah

all none of them yeah all none of them yeah or just get Rob Thomas he can't he's turning circles very very large

but I've done the same with the tour I've got Antonio and Rummy and that's who I'm doing the triple C with and they're not like my best mates but they are

trustworthy the kind of people you trust and you know are gonna I wanna bring my mates with me on everything Like But it was What do you mean

These were his mates These were his boys As in like They don't seem like friends These are staff Oh Okay These are

Like These security guards Didn't go to school Which apparently has hired them From security at us They were young lads Who looked like they could Kill all of us

With like one arm And they were really Really really sound Really sound though But yeah okay Alright okay So I thought the entourage was his When you said his boys

I was like It's his boys now So they're sitting there like this At all times Heads on a swivel Like they're eating Without looking at what they're picking up Yeah

Do you know what I mean? Because I say I was like this Because I got a sneaky picture To be fair it's funny It's Adam sitting next to Chappelle in Chinatown That was before you knew not to Chappelle in Chinatown. That was before you knew not to? Yeah, but in the picture you can see the lad

in the background and he comes over and goes text with your phone down. Yeah. And I accidentally opened it like on WhatsApp because he sent it to our group on WhatsApp

before we were told off. And you had to go. But no, Jeff Ross seen it and went, don't do it. Oh, did he see him? Yeah. He seen it. He went, don't do it. And I was like, no, Yeah. He's seen it. He went, don't do it.

And I was like, no, I'm not. I went, he didn't know. And he went, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's a bit intense, isn't it? Yeah. But I get it because he doesn't want to go.

I, listen, this, this is doing bits, but that is. That's what I mean. It was a total other level and I was like, I don't know whether I could handle that. Like he's the greatest comedian arguably of all time

he's certainly one of the most famous if not the most famous comedian on the planet right now and it just looks like a lot of work do you know what I do love about what he does especially in this country the format is very similar isn't it like you are on the circuit for a bit

and either through being brilliant and people buying tickets and doing well at Edinburgh or some agent signs you up and then you do a tour and then you're doing more TV and then you do a bigger tour and then basically you're either arena big or massive theatre big and do we see you ever again? Some comics come down but it's basically tour shows with supports that usually they don't know,

and they just go around and tour like that. What I love about Chappelle, just as a comedy fan who listens to American podcasts and watches a lot of that stuff, he really fucks around with the form of what him live is. Like, he does the shows with his mates. Like, Chris Rock, Chappelle could do the arena on his own. Him and Chris Rock doing it together is weird. The fact that he's got Jeff Ross, who should really be on his own fucking tour.

And then you hear stories of him going to Rogue and like, come to Red Rock this weekend, I'm doing this. And he flies his mates to do shows where the mates should be literally touring themselves and then and then just disappearing and turning up to comedy clubs unannounced for like a whole two months that's what I love I love the fact that they are messing around with what it is to be that famous that's what comedy I think should there should be surprises to it. Like, having you and Paul Smith both on a filmonic with me is not the done thing.

Like, comics don't do that, but I've seen it happen in America, and it's a cool way to do it. Me and Paul ended up on stage comparing a late show together a couple of months ago. That doesn't happen over here. It's just fun, and it should be different. and i guarantee you the people who were there that night when me and paul went on stage together and then did danny mclaughlin's poem at the end they went away from that night going we've seen something there that wasn't just another saturday night gateway the comics are going through the motions me and paul are twatted and that might never happen again yeah

and only 200 people got to see it in the room. Okay, there's clips and whatever, but if you weren't there, you probably never get that again. I've just remembered one of our plans for the year after next

and it's fucking around with the form of what it is to see live comedy. Do you know what was great? Someone asked him about the shows he put on in his house during COVID. Yeah.

And he was like, how much did it cost? And he went, oh, it cost me 7 million for the mall. And he went, but it's the funniest thing I've ever done.

He said, I lost money, but I was doing it to have fun. Oh, you lost 7 million? That's what I mean, yeah. But I was like, I looked at you, you didn't look back.

I was like, that's what we're doing. We're losing money. Yeah, we're losing 7 million. No, but I mean, we're putting money back into it just so we can, because you're like,

I just have fucking fun with it. Oh my God. Well, Preston was good though. There was a guy called Mango on the front row. That was mental. That was mental. Yeah, his surname sounded a bit like Mango.

It's mad. Mango. Shout out, Mango. That was Preston. Nearly as good. Do you know what I think, though? Do you know, going back to them playing with the former fucking around and stuff, I think as comics, like us and Vittorio,

and people like that who are starting to build their own fan base but are actual comics as well. I'm not talking about the people who just do Instagram selfie videos and get the chance to do a little tour. Vittorio has built a following for himself and just had a phenomenal Edinburgh Festival run by doing stand-up and podcast that are facilitating his stand-up.

As comics start doing that more and build their own fan base, I think comedy clubs are going to let us do what we want a bit more. And it will happen a lot more over here. And we, like, there'll be yeah. Do you know what I mean? And it will happen a lot more over here. And we like, there'll be a night where you're closing the frog and I'll be off and we'll be able to go to Jess.

Can we do it together and fuck about? And she'll be like, yeah, of course you can. And four years ago, that will have never been allowed or happened. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I've got on it? I haven't even started my tour

and I've been turning up to preview, previews that I've sold out and they're like hello you can feel it off them there is a cost of living crisis the venues are like hi thank you thanks a lot like because there's not loads of acts selling out i i i genuinely think if you've done it like this and you've got a following because people are like, oh, really, right, you want to go and see you, people aren't arsed about the way it's been done anymore. Taskmaster does bits because it's very good,

but virtually every other vehicle on TV for stand-ups is a bit meh. Everyone's bored. Like, Mock the Week, they've finally just given up the ghost. And it doesn't sell tickets. So when you turn up, I don't think some of these venues fully understand how you've sold the tickets. I mean, the Frog do.

But yeah, if you then turn around and went, do you know what? Can we come back here, like, in a couple of months on a Thursday and do this? They're just going to be like, absolutely. Whereas maybe before,

they'd be like, well, actually, what we like to do on Thursday, it's a bit more of a set sort of, I don't, I think that's out the window now. I think it's going. But even phase one in Liverpool where you were doing your new bit stuff,

I was bored in Dubai and texted him and went, hey, can I have your availability for the rest of the year? And he went, yeah, yeah, there you go. What do you want to do? And I was like, I just want to fuck around and do some new stuff and he's like, okay, great. And I went, right, these eight dates I can do. And he was like, okay, so what three do you want to do and i went no i want i want the eight of them

and he went right okay can i get back to you i was like yeah he went yeah i suppose we could do that uh do you think they'll sell i went yeah i think so and i put them on sale and they all sold out within like 12 hours and i texted him like they're all sold out by the way and he was like what and i went i mean can i add 30 standing tickets for each one he was like what and i went i went can i add 30 standing tickets for each one he was like yeah and i texted him a few days later it was like september and uh october have sold out the standing tickets right okay are we doing this every month from now on and i was like no no no i'm just gonna do it whenever i feel the need to do it well i did that with the very first phase one because i knew it because it's in such a great it's across from where hot used to be hot water used to be on seal street i only knew it

because dean had done the mild high live show or no not a live show he's done shows yeah he got through through no he was doing a normal comedy through the through the jacaranda he knew them and i went in and had a meeting with him on the wednesday i was like i really want to do like sort of first tuesday of the month and the guy was like, I really want to do, like, sort of first Tuesday of the month. And the guy was like, cool, yeah, okay, we'll give it a go. How many are you looking at? Whatever. He's like, obviously you won't want to do Tuesday next week.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give it a go. And I don't have the selling power that Adam's got by fucking any stretch. And also, it's not a have a word event. It's just me. I put it on the patreon that night i didn't even put it online and it sold out in it by the thursday like literally 24 hours and the message i did the same thing i was like oh yeah that's done that tuesday and he was like oh okay that's great yeah it's for it's amazing and uh and it's because of the support we get through

this but i like the fact that we're not going right we're gonna do this thursday friday saturday every like it's special these i love the fact that there's one-offs drop in the tour runs for a time and then it's done and then there's other ideas and like even how you and me compared blind date yeah i've never done i've never seen anyone do that before. And then how we compared Pins. You compared the first half, I compared the second half. Oh, that was a great idea. I'm really looking forward to those Adam Rowan friends of Phase 1.

Like, the September ones will be great, but that will be literally me dipping my toe for the first time, and I'm going to sort of riff and try and find bits. October, I've got Sarah Keyworth and Alfie Brown. I'll probably put, like, a local act on as well. But I'm looking forward to having three nights on the run with the same two comics, where we can all give each other a bit of try this, fix this, do that.

Sit around in the day and figure it out. Sarah Keyworth is a phenomenal up-and-coming stand-up. Alfie is one of my favourite comics and people on the planet. And having both of them for three nights, both of us, all three of us getting to just work it out. And I've done a few of those Ask Me Anythings on Instagram recently, as I'm sure you're all well aware. And someone asked me,

why are you doing your new stuff not at Hot Water anymore? I absolutely am doing new stuff at Hot Water. I just wanted to do these shows in a room that isn't Hot Water because I play that so much. I wanted to have a different room to do these shows in a room that isn't hot water because I play that so much. I wanted to have a different room to live in. Also, you do new stuff all over the shop. I've just said that I'll do Danny Mac's got a new material night in Chester and in the new year, I'll do that.

Yeah, you want to vary it a bit, don't you? Yeah. Oh, it's exciting times. Holy shit. Chappelle knows about have a word. La la la la. Let's have a break. I'm going to touch my penis.

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Yeah I've got a I've got a theory about Criminals That's so good You've got a theory about criminals Carl? Yeah it's their names They've always got criminal names What do you mean?

Like Before you said the name of a murderer Ian Huntley Yeah Off camera we were talking about It was Ian Huntley You don't need to know that It's a fun break

Fun break But he's got a murderer's name Ain't he? Ian Huntley. You don't need to know that. It's a fun break. Fun break. But he's got a murderous name, hasn't he? Ian Huntley. Do you know what I mean? Do you not know what I mean? I'm just wondering if you think you've got one. Do you think Fred West is like a murderous name?

Yeah. No, it isn't. It's just because you associate that name with a myth. No, it is. It's like Bam Bam, two syllables. Fred West sounds like he lives next door to your nan. Ian Huntley sounds like he does flooring in the village Hunt Ian Huntley

It's the Hunt bit you're talking about Michael Stabby Gun He was a fucking bad guy No you have to watch out for him Michael Stabby Gun I don't know Maybe he does give a credit when he's died Name another one

Ian Brady Sounds like a hair Does it 1980s footballer Because he braids it John Wayne Gacy Your theory Carl

Your theory is Stupid It's bad I don't know It's bad No Because the name in your head Like Dan Nightingale

Is it one Right I get the theory I just don't think I don't think it works It doesn't make any sense Whatsoever And he's just refusing

No In my head There's like Oh he's got the name Of a bad guy But does Does that Have you ever had it happen

Where you've heard Someone's name And gone I don't fucking trust him And then he's gone on To murder people Yeah Because that's the only way

Your theory holds weight Well everyone you're in Year 9 with No Cliff Cliff Murderspray He was alright Cliff

Murderspray Cliff Murderspray How did you know Cliff What about Tommy Shotgun Oh he got thrown out In year 8 didn't he Tommy Shotgun

For shooting people Two guns in the room Get out the school Tommy shotgun stop bringing shotguns to school Tommy woo I finished me sats

yeah I did shotguns then yeah he'd altered them he'd altered them that was classic Tommy maybe they're Tommy guns oh they were Tommy's

lovely I just think sometimes, like, oh, he's got the name of a bad guy. I think you're talking us to shit, and you've realised it, but refusing to take it back. No, I haven't realised anything. Ever.

Behind the scenes, just before Carl put the camera on, he was like, got a theory for this section? And we were all like, this is going to be interesting. Maxine Carr. What? She's the exception that proves be interesting. Maxine Carr. What?

She's the exception that proves the rule. Maxine Carr. She sounds nice. But she wasn't. Was she in Emmerdale? No, she was in Huckney's. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Myra Hindley.

Gisley Myra. Myra Hindley. Oh, my God. You're just saying names of awful murdering cunts and going, you see, in your head, it does. Oh yeah, who's coming in later? Mara Hindley. I know what I mean.

Who's coming in later? We didn't get Dave Chappelle, but we have got a pretty interesting guest. Is it the nomenclature? Is that the word? What? Nomenclature? Yeah.

French made the nomenclature. The nomenclature. Yeah, Peter Sutcliffe. I want you to say nomenclature. Nomen. Nomenclature nomenclature Peter Sutcliffe I want you to say nomenclature nomenclature his alias I'll give you that one the Yorkshire Ripper sounds like a bad guy oh no I'm gone now

I'm starting to what about the hillside strangler the hillside strangler the night stalker The signs were all there Exactly Yeah Spring-heeled Jack Who the fuck's that?

You don't know who Spring-heeled Jack is? Is he a basketball player? Spring-heeled Jack was like a Stuff Like a myth and legend Amongst In London Yeah yeah

Years ago Kill people on a pogo stick But like No So there was a lot of murders This is what I think happened Here we go Fact stream

Adam So there was a lot of murders And they were all attributed to this fella called Spring Hill Jack Because there was stories of him escaping By like spring jumping over buildings No You've seen No

No Before you talk That's Scooby Doo That's death on Scooby Doo It's fucking Inspector Gadget That's who you've got in your head. Yeah, no, he killed someone and then a helicopter came out of his hat.

What, helicopter head Ted? Helicopter head Ted's a fucking nightmare. He was nicking iPhones and then be like, ah, you cunts, you haven't got a helicopter in your head. Nope. Nope, not real. Springfield Jack. who do you think spring eel jack is because i guarantee you i'm right by the way jumping over buildings you're guaranteed it

was a legend wasn't it it's a myth he obviously didn't really do that but there was a story it was like yeah he killed him and he fucking jumped over the fucking gherkin the gherkin the gherkin. The Gherkin. It was a legend from the late noughties. A long, long time ago. Different time. 2009 to 2011. You can't even imagine that far back, can you, kids? It was a legend. You've heard of Jack the Ripper.

Well, this was a similar legend from 13 years ago. Springfield Jack. Like, no one knows whether he was real or not. I do. I think his sound is not real. I think he, you know, yeah, I think he was not real. He fucking killed 22 people and then sprung over the gherkin. Low on blood sugar sugar but these are facts

what about jack the hat jack the hat I think helicopter head still got a lot to answer for jack the hat's real can we get up some famous can you get up springy old jack and see what the legend was

so you see that I'm not talking shit if the gherkin is mentioned at any point in the I don't know whether the gherkin was specifically mentioned But he would jump over like Oh he's got wings What? He's got wings Springfield Jack

Yeah 1838 He was leaping over hedges and walls And the gherkin He's just like Ken Robert Jumping over the gherkin. It's just like Ken Robert. Jumping over the gherkin. What famous, can we get famous, is it pseudonym?

It's not pseudonym. What do you call it? What's the nicknames? Famous murder nicknames. Let's get up the... Let's get ourselves on a watch list. It looks like we're trying to make sure our one hasn't been used before. Scarface. Scarface. I mean, used before. Scarface.

Scarface. I mean, that wasn't Scarface. Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper. Blackbeard. Black. It's a cartoon, isn't he? Blackbeard.

The Zodiac Killer. Oh. It's a good one now. This is literally, this is what Netflix do for production meetings. They get this website up and go, right, the Killer Clown. That one's pretty on the nose, isn't it? John Wayne Gacy.

That's pretty on the nose. John Wayne Gacy was the Killer Clown? nose. John Wayne Gacy was the killer clown? Yeah. All right, cool. Horrible bastard. Billy the Kid? I mean, well... That's where I was in.

It's a reindeer. Dasher. It's a reindeer. Number seven, Dasher. Blitzen. I was a bit more than that. Come on, go back. Next up, next up.

Let's go. No. No, that's the next article. Ah, that's the next article. That was seven. Thank you, the internet. Finn, can't work the internet. Yeah, no, there's loads more.

You've got fucking Nightstar and all them fellas, haven't you? Watching Finn navigate the internet gives me a headache. What is this? I don't know this. Oh, well, there you go. There we go. Wikipedia. Here we go.

The Freeway Slayer. The Freeway Slayer. Nice. Alligator Man Yeah The Acid Can we not Just slow the fuck down

The Angel of Death Oh there's a load of them Angel of Death has been used Multiple times Can I just say Angel of Death looks like It's like Doctor Who And they have a new one

Every few seasons Yeah Acid Bath Murderer That's Where's that What did he do Did you just say Acid bath murderer. Where's that? What did he do? Did you just say,

what did the acid bath murderer do? He strangled people in their sleep. Yeah, he was a strangler. There's a clue. Ashgard the murderer. Yeah. Didn't come up with that one. Axe killer. Some of them are so basic.

Babe. What's the second one down in B babe pig in the city see there's lots of beasts east of the black forest

bible john there's dan christians bible john where's bible john down down that's how the alphabet works

fuck's sake bible john unsolved whose finger's that I was blaming finn then sorry finn I thought it was your massive finger Not being able to scroll

The big eared midget And we're done And we have a winner ladies and gentlemen The big eared midget And the police couldn't find him They couldn't find him There were so many large eared midgets That were matching the schedule.

Number four. Oh, fun times. We have questions. Stephen Byrne says, if you were murdered... Hey, is he even listening? Hey, oh, Byrne-o. Byrne-o. Well done, Byrne-o. You've pitched that perfectly. Fucking Byrne says, if you were murdered, I... Hey! Has he been listening? Hey, old Byrne-o. Byrne-o. Well done, Byrne-o.

You've pitched that perfectly. Fucking Byrne-o. That's what we call a segue. Stephen Byrne says, if you were murdered, which two fictional detectives would you want solving the case? So, you've been murdered.

You're done. But you get to, from heaven, decide which fictional detectives like it's really bad and it's I know my brain

doesn't work great but I can't get Inspector Gadget out of my head just because we've mentioned him yeah I know what you mean Doc Martin

what Sherlock Holmes has got to be top like just in case it's hard to find clues and then you want Luther as his assistant because he'll break the fucking rules, bruv.

Oh, damn. No, I fucking don't. I do. Luther and Sherlock Holmes, that is the dream team, mate. Yeah, it is. It's like getting Prime, Messi and Ronaldo on the same side. Sherlock Holmes from the Victorian era and Luther from fucking... Modern Sherlock.

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant the actual deerstalker and pipe Sherlock Benedict fuck the snatch Cumber slatch who? Benedict fuck the snatch

Benedict slumber hutch Benedict Benedict bummer cum cucumber yeah have you ever seen that great TV show

him and Luther would be a fucking dream team now I'm telling you because like Sherlock Holmes sees the little tiny things that no one else does and Luther is willing a fucking dream team now I'm telling you because like Sherlock Holmes sees the little tiny things that no one

else does and Luther is willing to break the rules to get the job done okay thanks for that synopsis Adam imagine them

with Scooby Doo yeah as a dog yeah woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woo Luthor Luthor You've got a great ass Oh my god I'd love to see Scooby Doo Doing an Al Pacino In fact it is the same impression Isn't it? Oh Who are you going for then? Who are you going for?

Because you don't appreciate Luthor Inspector Frost Yeah from a touch of frost Bergerac Jim Bergerac I. Bergerac. Jim Bergerac. I go Bergerac. Poirot.

And I don't... Is it John Nettles? I go... Oh, no! Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Ian McShane's Lovejoy. Absolutely classic. Columbo.

I fucking love Columbo, you know. My grandad used to watch Columbo. Oh, there's a grandad moment. My grandad had Columbo you know my grandad used to watch Columbo oh it was a grandad moment my grandad had Columbo on I used to sit and watch it with him oh

erm what's the old murder she wrote oh the bitch she's an author isn't she no not the bitch Carl where did that come from Angela Lansbury

yeah that bitch Carl's got beef with Angela Lansbury she wrote an Carl's got beef With Angela Lansbury She wrote an email To Hot Water Once saying He threatens to push her Up the stairs

Thanks for that Sparrow Jack says Sorry Stephen Giles says If there was riots And looting going on And you were joining in Yeah

Which I would by the way I'm telling you right now Yeah If everyone's doing it Yeah going on and you were joining in yeah which I would by the way I'm telling you right now yeah if everyone's doing it yeah what would be the first shop you raid and what would you take

the Rolex store everyone's the Rolex store in Amsterdam I'm going to go to your Rolex store just after I finish the dentist is there a Rolex store in...

There's a jewellers that has Rolex in the window, yeah. Right. What if you've got to get all the way down from your flat, haven't you? And you get there and the Rolex store... All the high-priced stores have been done first. Where's your next option? Clinton Cards. So where's being done?

Tell me where's being done. I don't know, yeah. You can't do the Apple shop, can you? Because they all get registered as they get scammed. You can't use them until they've been scammed. There's a lot. Rob a scanner. Ooh.

I could rob a printer that works. Steve, anyone? God. I love those videos of just like five kids coming in and kicking the fuck out of an O2 shop. And the staff are like, I'm not getting paid enough. They're just filming. I'm like, I'm not getting paid to stop any of these people if i worked at any a shop that was getting looted

i'd go in the store room and take all the best stuff my manager was like stop them i'd be like go fuck yourself i'd join in super hard i know where all the best stuff is if i worked in john lewis and john lewis was being looted i'm not going off the shop floor i'm going in the fucking stock room and taking all the stuff that hasn't even been put out yet Yeah So So You're looting When you work at John Lewis

Yeah So the CCTV With you With your name badge Take it off Adam Take it off Oh take it off

Take it off And put an hat on Yeah Smart You never think things through I don't I do Sorry boys

But I do cash kicks Sorry if you're listening You're all good lads But Yeah Something I want Yeah but don't they only have one shoe out It's on the back Sorry boys But I do cash kicks Sorry if you're listening You're all good lads But Yeah Something I want Yeah but don't they only have one shoe out It's on the back though

I know but You've got to loot quickly You can't be like Can I get these in a size 9 Like shoe shops Shoe shops Are an obvious choice But they only have the lefties out

So you're going to look fucking amazing In a size UK 12 Left Jessups. Right, going to get another SD card. Yeah, Steve lost one. Steve, where's that card? Would you actually join him at Luton? Do you reckon the broken windows

theory is true? What, in Sorghal? There's only fucking one shop. Oh no, there's two shops. There's three shops. There is a Let's say you're in London. There is a co-op, there is a pharmacy, and there's a security firm, which would be ironic, wouldn're in London. There is a co-op, there is a pharmacy, and there's a security firm, which would be ironic, wouldn't it? You'd get like the co-op top shelf,

like chicken for your roast that year. I know, but they'd be like, all right, Dan, like you can't loot in a village where you're from. All right, Dan? All right, you're right. Okay, well then you're in a big city. Big city.

You're on tour. Oh, I'm on tour. You're in Manchester. Oh, tickets available at dan9girl.com. Nantwich, Friday the 9th. If I'm in Nantwich, I'm kicking the fuck out of everything9girl.com Nantwich Friday The 9th If I'm in Nantwich I'm kicking the fuck Out of everything

I'm doing Nantwich This Friday The 2nd But I'm just doing a club gig Don't come and see me Come and see Dan Thanks I really appreciate that mate

Thank you We could have looted I suppose We were all About that age When the looting kicked off In Liverpool I remember being on MSN

Or Facebook Whatever it was I'm going to go to Better Web I'm just going to play Xbox Do you subscribe to that Like was I'm going to go to Better Web So I was like I'm just going to play Xbox But do you subscribe to that Like if it's going to happen

Anywhere you might as well Get yourself something nice Errrr No No No Because I've got too much To lose haven't I

Like But when I lived in Manchester And it booted off And there was riots I lived in Manchester City Centre And I

I watched from my flat I got stuck in town And got locked in the cinema. And then as we cinema cinema, and when we kept the movies and when we came out, I, we were at our window, me and my flatmate,

Andy Hunt, we were just watching. There was a massive JD sports and the fucking Scallies were like, it was amazing. You know, when sometimes you see a flock of birds in the sky, like there's weird formation of birds. You're like, why the fuck is there like 10,000 starlings

going fucking mental? It was like them, and then the police would come round and raz round the car park, and then they'll be like, and then they'd come back. I sort of get it. You're a fucking skint, unemployed, 18-year-old who lives in an estate, who feels fucked off with the system. I get it.

If everyone's like, fuck it. Everyone's kicking the shit out of shops. If you're 41 and you own a home, what are you doing? Do you know what I'd do now that things are going all right and I don't actually need it? I would do it, but I'd do it like Robin Hood style. Robin Hood style. Oh, his name's, if you're just listening for the first time, Adam Rowe.

I'd go and get like a MacBook Pro and give it to a homeless guy. I'm like, there you go. We're going to apply for jobs now. Nice one. I'll edit my films. Plug it into the fucking pavement. What? Plug it into the pavement.

You can take it to Starbucks, can't you? I suppose. I'm writing a novel. About a murderer. The acid bath murderer. Old Bible John. Stinky Pete. That'd be good, though.

Just going around giving stuff to people who would never have a chance to own it. Get a Rolex, give it to John on the corner. He's like, we only change.

I haven't got change, mate, but I've got the time. Right. You should give a Rolex to a homeless guy. Yeah. Who's literally sat there In his own fucking piss

With a dog next to him That stinks as well And he's like Look at that lad Fuck him Pepsi Yeah Probably porn it

Wouldn't he then Yeah It probably would You're absolutely right What did you do With the Liverpool Did Liverpool kick off In the riots

11 years ago Me and Carl Were at the front of it. Yeah. American Apparel got it. American Apparel got it. Yeah. It actually did, yeah. Me and Carl were throwing Molotov cocktails at passing policemen.

Do we? At the window? Listen, I know that there's loads of people listening on the audio, but sometimes Adam Bullshit's slightly too much for his own bullshit tolerance. And he just said that. I just went. Marlott, the mojitos.

The mojitos. God damn. Marlott of mojitos. Fucking sex on the beach, you pig. Whoa. Ah. Sticky.

That's where my problem with the pig scum started. Oh, here we go. Talk is up. Take, you know, talk about it. Yeah.

You were trying to steal. We just wanted change. I wasn't. Talk about it. You were trying to steal fucking... We just wanted change. I wasn't trying to steal anything. You were trying to steal... It's a social change. Jet skis for toddlers. Yeah. You can't afford one of these. It's fucking two.

I have a fucking jet ski. I'm Robin Hood. I'd probably do John Lewis. Just to answer the question. Yeah, you know you're older when you want to loot like homeware i know i'd be going the electrical oh i wouldn't yeah get myself a brand new coffee machine that i'd have like 45 dyson fucking fans in my bedroom like the large hadron collider let me know

i'd be able to fly through the middle of them what's that um like it's like jump what's it called like parasite not power what? Parachuting But you're just Like base jumping Yeah but They're in like a tube And there's a massive fan under them Oh yeah indoor He's done it hasn't he? Oh he's gonna do it

Indoor skydiving Indoor skydiving You could just do your own of that I was told I couldn't do it Because of my shoulder So I gave it to my ex-girlfriend And I'm like Hope they enjoyed it

Have a great time Legally obtained Uzada home actually Fuck the rugs in there mate You know how expensive the rugs are There is a There is a like a bottom end When you're looting

Where you're like Dickhead you are not concentrated In Manchester The first thing that got booted off Was in the Salford precinct It was the cash converters I used to do a bit about it on stage Like aim higher Than the cash converters I used to do a bit about on stage like aim

higher than the cash converters where you live if everyone's looting don't be like cash converters what did you get Dave what did you

get I got a fucking flute maybe it's just people trying to get their own stuff back though maybe there's a nostalgia to it

oh no that's so sad it's going to be full of people taking their stuff just want my mum's wedding ring yeah

maybe that's what it is no it wasn't though because I saw a guy walking out of town It's so sad. It's going to be full of people taking us to the park. I just want my mum's wedding ring. Yeah? Maybe that's what it is. No, it wasn't, though, because I saw a guy walking out of town that afternoon when it had all booted off that evening, and there was a guy walking past with a keytar. That's not like a family heirloom, is it? You never know. Do you remember?

No, I do know. You don't? No, no. A Scully walking back to Miles Platten with a 1980s Yamaha keyboard that is also a guitar. He's not like, this was passed down generation to generation.

No, but like, it could have been his dad. My dad was his key. Maybe his dad's our player. Maybe his dad. My granddad was a... Maybe it was his dad's and he sold it

so that he could buy some heroin. And now he's off the heroin and he wants it back. Yeah. But he couldn't afford it so he just popped in and took that. Why didn't he take anything else? It's weird that he took that. I guarantee you it was a family heir it back. Yeah. But he couldn't afford it, so he just popped in and took that. Why didn't he take anything else? It's weird that he took that.

I guarantee you it was a family alien. Yeah, I mean, the other option is he's a fucking moron, but that is the other option, that it's na-na-na. He just wanted his keytar back. You know, based on the indoor skydiving thing you asked, would you ever go squirrel jump flying? Say that again, in the right order. Squirrel jump flying.

Squirrel jump flying. Do you know what I mean? As in the right order. Squiddle jump flying. Squiddle jump flying. Do you know what I mean? As in the flying squiddles? Yeah. And they have like the suits on. Yeah, flying squirrel jumps. Squiddle jump flying. Is it flying squirrel jumps?

You mean the one where you... You get wings essentially, don't you? Like it's attached to your legs and you jump off a mountain and you can fly? Yeah. Apparently it's attached to your legs and you jump off a mountain and you can like you can fly yeah apparently it's safe I defo want to lose some weight before I

trust in a red bull squirrel flying squirrel suit but would you do it I'd rather do that than skydiving

because I feel like I'm more in control I trust myself more than I trust a parachute no I what I I trust a parachute no I what I really want

a parachute no I just want but I want some instructor behind me you know hopefully a gay

one who's just got a bit of an erection alright you're safe here Dan yeah

I'm gonna do it in Ecuador you're safe here open your eyes and you'll experience something for the first time I've seen a TikTok about it the other day and I've not stopped thinking about it I think I going to do it in Ecuador You're safe here Open your eyes And your eyes You'll experience something For the first time

I've seen a TikTok About it the other day And I'm not so thinking about it I think I want to do it You wouldn't do it Can I just talk about My Ecuadorian gay experience Parachute

It's called a nest though No No Parachute first Then squirrel suit I don't like the idea Of parachuting I like the idea

Of jumping through a valley. Yeah. Do you know how... Hang on. Just because I think you are insane, how do you think the flying squirrel suit jump ends? He thinks he lands on his feet. He thinks he lands on his feet.

How does it end? It ends with... Parachute. A parachute. No, it doesn't. What? How do you think they land? What?

What? It doesn't end with a parachute. What? What, does it just, like, it doesn't. What? How do you think they land? What? What? Doesn't anyone have parachutes? What? What, do they just, like, fucking army roll and land? I think so. I think you slow down towards the end. You, like, pull up.

You just walk. Or just... And then land it like that. You've got no legs. Yeah. Your legs have fell off. First time. You've never... Yeah.

I'll be strapped to a gay guy. Thank you. You slow the heck down. You have the strapped to a gay guy. Thank you. You slow the heck down. You have the option to convert that. That doesn't make any sense. There's no parachute, though. Finn's using the internet, guys. He's on the Plaid Cymru website.

A wing suit. You can't do without a parachute, Finn. One person has, and it's successful. One person has. Two. Two. Here he comes. Two. What I'll do is I'll fly straight into the fucking rolex store yes i know homeless guys who are gonna look fucking great in these

well when i overheard someone at the gym the other day i went to david lloyd for the second time so that is two visits two family visits for david lloyd thousand pounds out of the bank so far And I overheard someone at the gym the other day, went to the David Lloyd for the second time. Nice job, man. So that is two visits, two family visits to the David Lloyd, £1,000 out of the bank so far. Value! And I overheard someone go, yeah, going to the Rolex. So by the way, this David Lloyd is in Ellesmere Port,

so this cunt thinks he's all that. He lives in Ellesmere Port, behave. And he was like, yeah, go into the Rolex store. And I think he was there with his dad. He was like, right. That's a bit expensive, isn't it? He was like, yeah, dad, not everyone. Not everyone can get a Rolex. I feel that world is a bit like, ick.

Yeah. A mate of mine matched with a guy on Tinder the other day. And she sent me his instagram profile because his pinned picture you know you can pin three pictures one of his pinned pictures is a screenshot of where he places on the sunday times rich list he sounds great should we get

him on as a fucking guest oh my god conti it works get him on as a fucking guest oh my god yeah Conti mad dad isn't he made it works Wilford the type of person he's trying to attract

yeah genuinely got locked in the cinema that day with the riots in Manchester it was just it was just something else

got to the end of the film in Calvert outside were you setting busies on blaze yeah it was fucking

pina colada fuck you the odian your popcorn's ridiculous or whatever you'd rather what what'd you say he said pina colada I said or whatever you'd rather

what other theories have you got Carl whack out another theory um it's dizzy rascal sparrow sparrow thank you someone's like,

great reference. Sparrow. Carl. I thought your theory was great, Carl. When are you on tour? Sparrow. It would sell so well. Sparrow Jack.

Wag. Sparrow Jack. Sparrow Jack. Says, Wag wag lids. Question. My bird thinks if she moans, you finish quicker.

So if she ain't really in the mood, she moans like a porn star and thinks it speeds it up. But I don't think so. What are your thoughts? Cheers. True. Absolutely true.

What are you talking about? Of course it is. A woman screaming in your ear makes me go so quick. These trailers just make themselves sometimes. These trailers just make themselves sometimes Should have seen him at Centre Court Wimbledon mate Oh he's just

He's just in the pool In his own jizz Strawberries and cream He's got some Shut up over me I'm fucking Splode No but of course

Monica Sella It makes it sexier Doesn't it No You don't like moaning What are you on about The I get your theory

Moaning is nice When we say moaning By the way We mean like sexy moans Not like hey Have you done the fucking dishes Why don't you like my parents? That bin still stinks.

You said you spent more time with me at the weekends. Yeah, just like that sort of stuff. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Do it again. Just try not to. Mama like that. Mama like that.

Nope. That's you doing the first solid poo of your adult life. That's not how you poo, by way that's more like yeah yeah yes it's better for both if both are making noises they're both going either into it and you get into it and it's sexy right but that does have a tipping point where it so it's like oh oh my oh my God. That's all good. Yeah, and she's like, ah! If he goes, ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! I don't think you're going to come quicker. Yeah, we've got neighbors. I don't know, you know. It's better. What are they going to do, throw us out? Ask us to leave our own court? Please do!

End it! Dave Chappelle knows who we are! Yeah, I love a little moan It just lets me know that my dick's good and I'm doing a good job Are you going to moan back as well? You've both got to be fucking vocal I grunt You sound like Russ Braven You've got to moan back as well. You've both got to be fucking vocal. I grunt. Yeah, I'm like...

You sound like Russ Braven. The darts fella. Ooh, footy. Yeah, I grunt. Go on. You know when you grab him, that gets out of his chair. Women love that. Fucking hell. Oh. You're doing that throughout sex, yeah? of his chair women love that fucking hell

you're doing that throughout sex yeah women love it they've told me yeah what swears what's your go-to

sex swears what do you mean because sex I find sex swearing titillating but you can't just be like cunt

bastard like you're there's certain what's your just normally just Cunt Bastard Like there's certain It's just normally just fuck innit Oh fuck Pussy's good Pussy's the best word to say in sex Unless you say fuck my pussy It just doesn't sound right

It's in our voice No but you've got to own it Pussy Pussy is the best And if you own it It's the best Trust me If you own the pussy

Yeah Just own the word They'll be like Hey Get your pussy out Yeah def Just own the word. They'll be like, hey, get your pussy out. Yeah, defo don't do that. Hey, hey. Hey.

Say pussy. Suggestive. Just saying, you know, get your pussy out. Don't do that. I don't want to be too forceful. Can I suck on your massive titties? Don't say titties during sex. Tits.

Tits is the sex take word. I'm quite sort of flexible say titties during sex. Tits? I don't know. I'm quite sort of flexible when it comes to sex. Like a breadstick. Talk me through it, Bible John. I don't mean I don't mean Don't mean yoga. Physically. Oh no. I save my physical flex

For the fucking Flying squirrel suit I mean like I'm sort of like an actor When it comes to sex Yeah Like I can play any role Yep

Do you know what I mean Oh Oh I put it in your pussy Like I In Hanoi Bit of hell If a girl

Like You know like some people Are like I'm a dom or I'm a sub or whatever I know those conversations me and Laura are always having them

no let me finish my fucking Coco Pops dick and dom right yeah that's a sound you heard I can be either

no I can be a dominating pussy daddy don't I'm done I'm gonna really struggle to come back back from that one that's we need to get that

on merch really quick and then also okay i can have you know some tiny little woman make me a bitch i can play either way i just need to know i need to set the parameters what's my role what do you want me to do do you want me to be loud do you want me to do? Do you want me to be loud? Do you want me to be quiet? Do you want me to be a bitch? Do you want me to be your dad? What do you want? James Milner.

I want you to be a quiet bitch. If I can have the... What, you want to be James Milner? That's what he is, isn't he? Oh, he's so versatile. Where do you want me? So versatile. I just really enjoy any sort of sex, as long as it's with the right person, do you want me? So versatile I'm just I'm quite like I just really enjoy

Any sort of sex As long as it's with The right person Do you know what I mean? Yeah You want to get dominated By a quiet bitch I don't mind that

If that's what she wants And like I think relationships Like I should be able to Take charge sometimes And then also Do you know what?

Tie me to the bed And tickle me Do whatever you want I don't think you'd like that I know I don't like that What do you mean? I like to be in control No I like to be in control But every now and then I don't think you'd like that I know I don't like that What do you mean? I like to be in control No I like to be in control

But every now and then I don't mind an away day Nah I don't know And tickle down Don't tie Maybe with a different car If we had sex We'd butt heads

I mean And other things but Yeah Car's a bit more You know I'm the man I don't even take my clothes off I'm just quite secure

I don't have to be clothes off I'm just quite secure I don't have to be like I think I should be in control most of the time I pay the bills I pay the fucking I pay all the bills you are a woman

stay there did he leave his arms that's you I'm a man I don't get naked that's gay fucking Adam jack of all trades, isn't he?

Yeah. Master of none. I'll go to a fucking Peruvian whorehouse and I'll dance. I'll dance for men if that's what she wants. I'm willing to negotiate when it comes to, you know. I'll do both, but I enjoy being in control more. Same.

Same. 100%. I've had girls overdo the noise and I've had to stop've had to be louder the better whoa come turn it down another more enthusiastic the better i would say she doesn't have to be loud she just has to be like let me know you're having the time of your life i love a whisper fuck though yeah oh maybe for kids, that's surely sexy. No, it's... Yeah.

Just, I don't know. There's something about having to limit it. Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. There was a girl once who was definitely faking it with me because she kept making really weird... She kept going, Oh!

Like, again and again and again, and I was like, no one naturally makes that noise. Oh, porn stars. Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh, shut up.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Adam Shag's owls. Fucked a wood pigeon. Oh! It was like she was repeatedly dropping her keys.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! A penny. Oh! Oh! Oh! A penny. Oh! Found a penny. Who was this?

What? Louise. She was little. It wasn't really Louise. Someone got Louise. Yeah. Little Lou. Um, well.

I'm horny again now. I was going to say Louise Redknapp. I was going to say that. She asked me not to tell anyone about that, but I've said it now, and we don't edit stuff out, Louise. Fuck you, Jamie. And that's why. It was while they were together.

Yeah, it was. That's why. And the bitch used his keys. We've got to end this section because I'm horny again. So two seconds here. Enjoy the break. Let's talk about Nord. Nordvpn.com slash have a word.

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anyway michelle's it how are you guys i'm all right you know yeah yeah i made it can i tell you what i did yeah okay i do not know why i convinced myself that this was in liverpool right do you know what that'll be that'll be my accent demeanor and probably me jumper that'll do it that'll do it right so i've said so you know the first time i was meant to come yeah train strike yeah absolute shit show yeah whatever so this time i was like i come, train strike. Yeah. Absolute shit show. Yeah. Whatever. So this time I was like, I said to my fella like,

should we just go Liverpool? Like, I've got to go do this podcast. We spend the night there. It'll be jokes. Yeah. He was like, yes, great. So we've driven to Liverpool. Yeah.

I've gone to the hotel where I'm booked in. This is at 115. And I was like, let me just look up. Let me just look up the address. And he's like messing around with parking. I was like, have you paid for your parking yet?

He was like, no, I went good mate because this place is fucking fine. He goes, how did you miss this? Did you not look up that? I said,

yeah, I was just kind of, and the funny thing is, I listened to the podcast last night just to sort of see, I was thinking, why do they keep on talking about wrong corner? What is it with this area?

Like, where's the joke? Am I missing a joke or something? I was like, what? Like, why are they slagging off this place? I'm like, what? What's the joke? Yo, the way we just had to burn, burn the fucking tarmac to get out.

I was like, wait, what? Have you come across the big mad bridge? Yeah. You've got to make sure you pay that by midnight tomorrow online. Because otherwise it's like, wait, what? Have you come across the big mad bridge? Yeah. You've got to make sure you pay that by midnight tomorrow. Yeah. Because otherwise it's like, it's like two quid if you pay it by tomorrow night. Or it's like seven grand if it goes a minute past midnight.

Adam, would you pay yours? Nice. I'm on it. Please. You know what? Thank you. Adam owes them a house. Serious.

Yeah. What happened was I swapped my car. So I upgraded my car earlier in the year Thank you Adam owes them a house Serious Yeah What happened was I swapped my car So I upgraded my car Earlier in the year And I used to have a fast tag For it on my old car And I forgot to put the fast tag

On the new car Wow And he's been reminded Several times I've got someone who works there Who's on it for me Have you been paying since then? No

They're on it for me Are you sure though? Look I'm across this okay yeah it's getting can you imagine being like fucking hell adam's doing all these weird corporate gigs yeah yeah anyway i felt like such a wally because i was like how did i you're not the first person to do that i bet but but i was trying to obviously because I was with my fella I was like oh but let me look at the notes because surely there's a good reason

and you just repeatedly over the DMs was like this is where you're going there was no mention of Liverpool no one's ever said

Liverpool you always said it was here and I just scanned over it and was like oh nice I'm going Liverpool

yeah sweet you would assume it though. We are moving there very soon. Yeah, fucking hurry up, mate, because this is a boot. This is... Do you know what I mean? We're allowed to say it. Have you never been here before?

To Runcorn? No. Runcorn's lovely, yo. We'd take the piss out of it, but if you shouldn't have stayed In Liverpool really You should have stayed here But you fell There's more to do in Roncorn Honestly

You don't think that He was telling me this Michelle do you want the bullshit bell I'll ding it for you No it's like Lake Como Yeah Lake Chemo Oh

As we were heading I was like Oh there's probably Some really nice places To stay around He was like When he was booking a hotel Didn't you think

Where's near to the It is near It's a bit of a you know half an hour drive 40 minutes 40 minutes a little 40 minutes where are you staying uh you'll be long gone before our listeners hear this so don't worry they're not gonna turn up i were i weren't worried just trying to remember inside hotel oh okay yeah that's. Got a great roof bar. Yeah. Go to the roof bar, the sky bar. It's good. When I finally get back there,

I'll enjoy it. Oh, you've gone fancy there. Yeah. You can see Runcorn from that sky bar. So you'll like it. You'll feel it. I can't believe

you've never been to Runcorn before. It's like one of the seven best things to do in the UK if you're on a trip about it. You know what? I'm elated. I can feel it in in my system the runcorn's coursing through my veins the locals as well because it's like everyone knows so much about the town you can speak to everyone because no one's ever left in like seven generations oh that sounds like top

notch banter they've got a nuclear power plant what more do you want what yeah wow really yeah oh is it walking distance depends how far you want to walk is that shit nuclear i thought it was oh i don't it's got the big pipes like it is it's got big pipes it looks like the simpsons i was gonna say is that what you're going on yeah it's gonna be hang, it's got a big pipe. Hang on. Carl's definitely not an engineer, but he's got big pipes. Hang on. So it's nuclear? In my head, them things meant that it's nuclear. It is a nuclear power plant.

Is that wrong? It absolutely is. No, it's... In Runcorn, what are you talking about? Hang on. I'm taking the piss here. I thought them big, like, Simpsons things. You know the big fucking...

What, the one that's not in fucking Runcorn? Any power plant that can double up as a skate park is nuclear. Right, right, right. Yes, is that Tellerfield? We all had an aneurysm. This is the worst fucking... This is the worst travel board you've ever... Welcome to Runcorn.

We're going to tell you some places that aren't here. Stay in Liverpool. We'll talk about power plants that aren't in Runcorn. How is that not... Paul, we can see you from the bridge. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you been to Liverpool before? No.

Oh, okay. Well, that's proper. Yeah. That's why I thought I'd stay somewhere nice and make a night of it. Are you going to go out to eat and drink? Yeah. Yeah?

Okay. What night's it? Thursday. Baccaro always? Yeah, go to Baccaro. Do you like Italian food? Yeah. Go to Baccaro.

Hey, guys, and if you want advice on where to go in Liverpool, what you've got to do is listen to this conversation and use the information and not email us going, come to Liverpool, could you tell us where we should go? This is the chat. Take it in, Baccaro. It's Italian tapas. Is it?

Get the risotto, mate. Italian tapas. Yeah. All right. Little tiny Italian dishes. You get fucking loads of them. You get a steak, you get a lasagna.

Risotto is good. The goat's cheese is far. What are you laughing at? And it's powered by nuclear power as well. Fucking great, isn't it? Thursday for the bevy. Go down Seal Street ways. Castle Street Townhouse.

Right next to Baccaro. I'd start there for your first drink. Go to Baccaro for some food. You can have a great night. It depends what sort of night you want. What sort of night you're after. You're after clubs or bars. Nah, I'm not going clubs, man.

Why? No, I'm done with that shit. We don't go to clubs. Why? What? He's going clubs. Exactly. He's going to clubs all the time.

Oh, shut up. Are you going clubs? Yeah. Really? When? When was the last time you went to a club? What was the last club we went to? Monday night. What? Monday? Already? On a clubs? Yeah Really? When? When was the last time you went to a club? What was the last club we went to? Monday night

What? Monday Already? On a Monday? Yeah That's when you was out clubbing? Yeah Alright mate

Just you on the dance floor on your own With the fucking glow stick Checking to the bartender I don't think you're ready for Liverpool Liverpool is a seven night a week 24 hours a day city love Yeah? Alright

So what was you doing on Monday then? We hosted our quiz. And then I went clubbing. Oh, I thought he was going to say that was it. We hosted our quiz. Double dropped. It was mental. What club?

He went to an Irish bar. No, I went there first and then went on to a club. What club? Teddies? Fuck off. You're full of shit. That's not a club. It's a bar.

You're actually lying and you're embarrassing everyone oh my god get that as a sound drop i want that clipped off beautiful you were in pot word last week that's a club i was in pot world last week yeah surrounded by 12 year olds having the time of my life trying to start an early freshers week yeah i went to fusion uh about a week or two ago yeah that's open till 6 a.m honestly the more examples you give me the more to me it sounds like shit can i just say it's so long that since i've been to a club this whole thing about getting a booth and having your own booth that's i'm the last time i went clubs that wasn't a. We just went dancing. Well, because there's two kinds of- Sounds so old.

We just went dancing. No. Me and Milford, we'd just go for a dance down the ballroom every Thursday night. Guys, we'd beaten Hitler and we wanted to celebrate it. The war was over. Do you know, I don't think you understand what it's like to be 41. I'm 41. Well understand what it's like to be 41. I'm 41.

Well, then it's rude. Thank you. So we remember, we remember the 90s. Off you nut on what's a bushes. Thank you. Do you know what I mean? What's a bushes? What's that?

How old are you, Adam? Mitsubishi, as we call them. Oh. Mitsubishi is the little tablet. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen them. You have to take a lot of pills to be mispronouncing Mitsubishi, don't you? Do you know what? I've had about four Mitsubishi's. The little tablets. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen them. You have to take a lot of pills to be mispronouncing Mitsubishi, don't you?

Do you know what? I've had about four Mitsubishi. Someone pulled me up on that the other day. And you know when you're a grown up and you realise you've been saying something wrong your whole life? I know. She knows that I'm not from Nebraska.

I sang that for a decade. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Go on, what have you got? Exactly. No, well that. Mitsubishi's. Yeah. Mitsubishi's. Just say that. I thought you said Watsit Bushes are first. a decade yeah oh my god yeah go on what have you got exactly no with that mootsabushi yeah

i thought you said whatsit bushes at first yeah i thought you said whatsit bushes yeah well anyway it's my harry potter hermione isn't it because i'd never literally that's a common one you know i'm from lancashire we don't no one's called hermione in lancashire so i read the first harry potter book and i was like there's a kid called Hermione now that's common that's honestly really really common yeah yeah yeah

but I was I was 25 when someone corrected me like I call him Roan for the whole first book as well Roan

yeah not Ron but the thing is when you do stuff like that and no one corrects you and then you get corrected later in life you just think do I need to

like readdress my friends like do I need to like reassess everyone and just be like are you actually my friend because you've just been letting me out here on these streets they're enablers talking thank you you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah anyway so i was off my night on mitsubishi and it was fun times we remember don't we back in but there was no booths this whole thing about oh yeah you book a booth and you get, like, what is it, grey fucking swan?

Grey swan, yeah. What is it? Big black goose. What is it? No, it's brown horse. Brown horse. Bottle of brown horse. Bottle of brown horse.

What's the grey, it's the grey geese, isn't it? Grey geese. That's two bottles. You don't care. Very good. Easy word, Nance And sometimes it's worth it Yeah, you can switch it up though

You can have whatever you want You don't just have to have vodka You can go in and be like They'll be like Oh, you get this Like Grey Goosey Booth You're like Fucking keep that, mate

Get me a bottle of Sailor Jerry's stat Right Stat You'd say stat Yeah, because you're cool Because you go clubbing on a Monday, don't you? With a lot of fucking children Speaks Latin

Hey, guys Cowabunga I want a bottle. Table five. No one else on it. What's up? Yeah? Just drove here in my Matsubo Shaiyaya.

You don't even want to know what pills I'm taking. We've never done booth culture though. It's not Ozark. Oh, is it called booth culture yeah it's like the only way is essex sort of i tell you not what though like i understand wanting a bit of privacy and having just a little no it's not about privacy it's about stunting yeah i don't want that so so so years ago so i used to live in new york right and i moved out there as a model and when i was modeling in new y, that's all we did because you couldn't,

we weren't old enough to go out drinking because you had to be 21. So you'd get these like greasy promoters that would be like, do you want to have a good time? And you'd be like, yeah, all right then. And they would take you into these massive nightclubs, right? And then all the models would be able to drink for free to lure in these like wall street bankers to sit on the tables by you in the vip section so they would spend like four grand on their bottle of black swan and um and you would be drinking for free and just sort of like looking

over them every now and again and thinking you wish you could do you know what i mean and just you're in free to just make the place look good yeah you're like yeah that's great one time so sound grace yeah see i don't want the status of it i want a booth with all my mates and i just want a single gin and tonic you want to go to the pub thank you that's the pub adam that's why that's why i like the pub so much you know what this is why you think you've been out clubbing on a monday you're like i've got my own vip booth you're like mate it the pub. I'm in the dog and duck. I'm in the VIP area. And I don't want a bottle.

I have a pint of bitter. That's my clubbing. Dan, do you know what? Do you know what? Ibiza, like, is it a bed that you buy? Yeah. Do you know what that culture is? You spend like five grand for like a day bed,

which is outside, essentially by the pool. Right. Just so you can lie there and look nice. Look like you spent five grand or like a day bed which is outside essentially by the pool right just so you can lie there and look like you spent five grand or something it's like it's like what you would be when you as a kid with like wanting to get wicked trainers it's like yeah that but look at my bed yeah see i'm still doing the trainer thing me though yeah same yeah i'm still that's that's my you still care about trainers though yeah proper yeah what about like I've only just started really like last year

what did you go out with no money yeah yeah that'll do it yeah yeah then someone went to you you're doing alright then he got

he's got a financial advisor and he's like lads put your money in shoes he's like in boxes shoe boxes yeah and wear them as well

he's a financial advisor but he's got a side business he sells shoes yeah I haven't put the dots together yet did you get a little bed in Ocean? in a if I went to Ibiza

never did it went clubbing never did it because I was like I can get munted in Manchester why do I need to go to Ibiza? are you alright mate? I don't agree with that

are you alright? what? were you on a boat? what? because it's Ibiza wait yeah I can get munted in Manchester yeah Oh wait What? Were you on a boat? What? Because It's Ibiza Wait Yeah

I can get mounted in Manchester Yeah Why would I go to Ibiza? Well it's just great clubs Where people were selling Muchabashashashas And I was taking loads of them And I was like

In my head I'm like Yeah but I can be home In a taxi in 15 quid In 15 quid Like it's an amount of tax She's looking at you Like a dog who's seen a magic trick I never

She's very confused at the minute Yeah but you got taken to Ibiza. Like, come to Ibiza. Make it look beautiful. No, I had to take myself to Ibiza. I got asked not to come. With my own money. It's fucking horrible.

I got invited to Benidorm. All right. You'd rather go, all right, all right. But seriously, you would rather go out for a night in Manchester than spend a week in Ibiza

in the sun. Yeah? Yeah. Waves lapping at your feet. I get it. And you're like, no, I want to go fucking Manchester. But I loved going out, getting wrecked and dancing. But we just did that.

We were skint. We were in our early 20s in Manchester. We just did that in Manchester. People were like, oh, we're going to Ibiza. And they were like, yeah, that costs five grand or whatever. Because the clubs, everyone was like, to get in a club in Ibiza. We're talking 20 years ago. It was 50, 60 quid yeah i don't get it i can't justify it okay okay you're like i'm gonna spend all that money on pills used to be a pound of pill didn't it oh you've told me

about the stuff back in there oh it was so cheap did you use to pay a pound of pill yeah surely not in london fun times yeah pound the pill oh the noughties it was well cheap and you used to pay a pound a pill yeah surely not in London fun times a pound a pill back then oh the noughties it was well cheap and you'd be like how many pills you had and dickheads were like

I've had 15 pills and then you'd talk to older pill heads who were like from like the Hacienda days who were like they couldn't get

because their pill was like they paid 10 pound for it it was like a salt lick it was like one of them things you left in a fishbowl when you went on

holiday you just needed a lick and you're like I was high for a fortnight and then by the time i was going clubbing it'd been like the gangs had got involved yeah yeah exactly so it was a pound of pill pounds of pill but also that's when like mushrooms were illegal for that little while that little sweet window oh yeah mushrooms were legal yeah magic mushrooms Yeah Criminalised Yeah Well yeah yeah yeah yeah You could go to like Camden or wherever

And like buy And buy mushrooms You know if you got caught With mushrooms in your house Magic mushrooms Like loads of them And the police were like You're going to prison

Couldn't you just be like Make a carbonara I'm making a bolognese Do you want some It would be great if they were like Right well We are going to arrest you Or You've got to make a massive Bolognese Yeah I'm feeding the homeless it do you want some it would be great if they were like right well we are gonna arrest you or

you've got to make a massive bolognese yeah i'm feeding all of that with no then you've got to eat it yeah you'd be like all right yeah oh you gotta have your own drugs what a fucking nightmare all at once yeah i'm not gonna eat a full vat of bolognese to myself am i i think you give it a go adam i want to see you on mushrooms what do you think mushrooms look like as in the drug mushroom do you think it's like a big like portobello i think it just looks the same thing as in the asda don't i yeah just chop it up yeah yeah i've never done them so i don't know but i just thought mushrooms were mushrooms i don't know yeah they look a bit scraggy yeah there was dried ones yeah or there was like really the the like if someone dealt mushrooms

this sounds so random but it's true they'd be like a bit wetter and like fresher and they were always the best ones and then you'd have people like i put them in a tea or i try and chop them up and i i was so fussy but i was like if we're getting high we're gonna have to struggle through this because they know how i was like yeah you don't want to prolong that and then they get stuck in your teeth and you're i cannot imagine being on mushrooms and having to eat a bolognese the thing of night magic mushrooms in a bolognese as you start we're getting really high and you start missing your mouth. Sorry, officer.

I usually know how to eat. Yeah, but also, if I'm having a bolognese and the busies are there, they're going to have some as well, aren't they? That's how that works. It's called double jeffery. They can't get you. Because that's what police do on drugs raids. They go, hang on.

We've got to check that this is drugs. So you do some drugs and we'll do some drugs. No. It's Bolognese. Oh, it's Bolognese. Yeah. Hi, dear hungry officer. Let's sit down and watch Pokemon.

I'm not a dealer. I'm a chef. What? I can be a maid or someone with a leg of lamb. Cooked a leg of lamb. Feed it to the busiest. They vet the maid. They're not the wiser.

Yeah. I'm a Bolognese, mate. We're one of the most popular ah you've done drugs in Australia you're under arrest have a ball of nice this nonsense

is making us pretty wealthy is it yeah it's maddening it's one of those moments when you look over the guests and they're like what the fuck that is the best way

to kill someone no kill them with something that's edible and then feed it to a pig and then eat the pig and this is Carl our producer see look this is the thing, right?

You see in comedy where they're like, white men are under attack. I'm like, you lot are fine. Yeah, we're fine. Oh, we're fine. You lot are fine.

Yeah, yeah. You kill someone with a leg alarm, right? And then you cough the alarm. I don't feel fine. I'm fucking, I'm hanging around with these whites.

These are my whites. I need to pick, you're right, I need to pick You're right I need to They are fine But these are mine Pick better whites Yeah

A leg of lamb Is a good murder weapon I know You love lamb And murder Fuck off Defrost it Have a roast

Yep You're done You're sorted Or stand them on a A block of ice And hang them On melt You lot are going into some old school bullshit.

Do you know what I mean? What? Do you remember that riddle that was like, there's a man hanging, he's got a puddle of water underneath him. How did he get up there? You've got 20 minutes. And you're like, I don't know. Block of ice.

Jesus, he's on more than your age. It was after the war. How were you killing someone then. It was after the war. How were you killing someone then? It was pretty... How were you killing someone? Are you alright today, Carl? You've got murder on the mind.

In the second section today, we're in the third, in the second section, Carl was like, I've got a theory about murderers that their names make them sound like murderers before you even know they're murderers. And now he's asking,

how do you kill people? See? Do you need a raise? Michelle. John Wayne Gacy. It's utter bollocks. Ian Huntley. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. John Wayne Gacy. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Fred West.

Yeah. It's bam, bam, Fred West. If it was like Nicholas West, no. Yeah, Nicholas West. I'm like, I'll go back to you. Yeah, he makes the tuna, but it's two, isn't it? Bam, Fred West. If it was like Nicholas West, no. Yeah, Nicholas West. I'm like, oh, well, I'll go back to you. Yeah, he makes the tuna, but it's two, innit? Bam Bam.

That's John West, innit? Bam Bam. Like Rose West, Fred West. I need better white. Myra Hindley. You're not leaving your kids with her. I'm right. Not now that I know.

Yeah. I think you're coloured right Not now that I know Yeah I think it's You're coloured by the fact That you know No I think some people Have got murder names You're talking utter shite And I can't believe Anyone's agreed with you

Adam Rowe isn't No No I don't know He's like Fucking leg of lamb Squat Eat it over the

I'm not talking like A random needless murder I'm just talking about If someone's ever wronged you cooked him a lamb there's someone I've thought about killing about once a week for about five years

no what the same person yeah yeah oh he's dead if I ever get the opportunity he is dead oh I know who you mean so how was New York

New York was nice yeah it was when did you move there in 2000 So how was New York? New York was nice. Yeah, it was. When did you move there? In 2000. Did you ever do stand-up over there? Yeah, that's where I started. Was it, yeah?

Yeah. So I thought you were from New York. No. When I first met you. Because someone said, oh, that's Michelle. It was that top secret. That's pretty much all. I think that's where we've met every time we've met.

Like, oh, Michelle, she's over from New York. Yeah, I was. But I'm not from there. Yeah, but you can understand where I made that's where we've met Every time we've met Like I had Michelle She's over from New York Yeah I was But I'm not from there Yeah but You can understand where I made that mistake Imagine I've been back two weeks And I'm like You alright

How long's she been back A week Do you live back over here now Yeah Yeah How long were you You went over to do modelling Yeah

And then you tried stand up Yeah Oh my god I know I thought I was funny Because I was hanging out with models I was like

I was top notch Banter coming from me here I'm sitting in the room Alight But yeah Then I started stand up And I was like Oh

Right This is odd Yeah How long ago was that Like 11 years ago Oh okay We're similar

I'm 12 years old Yeah What was it like Starting out in okay so we're similar i'm 12 years in yeah yeah what's what was it like starting out in new york especially when you're english it was good actually i think it was i'm really happy that that's where like my early years in stand-up were because i just think it's like you've got you build a better community of comics this is in my opinion do you know what i mean and like i just and also you can get to like loads of gigs in a night there's no money involved no one's getting paid to do it so you get to like fuck around and you're truly doing it because you're passionate about it whereas i feel like here quite quickly it's like well can i get on telly and i've got to go to edinburgh and then

like making money and then you can get sort of stuck in your set quite a bit because you're making money so you're not like playing around as much and you're probably not meeting comics on different levels the way you would in new york in new york where people just pop in i've done new york twice i love the vibe right i absolutely love it do you enjoy it yeah i think that's the only other place i've ever been on the planet that i could see myself living yeah exactly i'll never leave liverpool unless it's for new york Or maybe Austin, now that it seems like every fucking comedian in America has been moving to Austin.

Have you been to Austin? No. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. I've never done stand-up there, but I've been there. It's all right.

It's a vibe. But there's a lot of comics moving there now. Yeah. And I think that might become the new LA. I think comics might leave LA. Yeah. Stand-up in LA is horrible, man. Is it, yeah?

Yeah. Really brutal. So what's the difference? What's the difference between stand-up in New York new la i think comics might leave la yeah stand up in la is horrible man is it yeah really brutal so what's the difference what's the difference between stand up in new york and because they've both got tv and film going on there there must be producers knocking around everywhere i would say that like i mean look people go to la for a multitude of reasons but they're all kind of under the umbrella of fame and entertainment right right? And success is seen as fame out there. So I think when you're in LA, you get a lot of people, as far as the stand-up scene, might not necessarily be there because they're that into stand-up,

but they're there using stand-up as a vehicle to sort of cast the net wide and maybe something will stick in one way or another, right? So they're doing stand-up but they're also doing drama they're also acting they're also doing you know like improv and they're just doing a bunch of shit and thinking fuck hopefully something is gonna stick here for six and they're only really there because of the fame game right because that's that's you know that's the light that brings you as the moth to it right but so So I feel like in New York, people are there to really try and crack the craft, as it were,

because there's not much reward from doing it other than getting better. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Do you know what I'm saying? American podcasts, I think comics are that way as well. Meeting comics out there, they're out on a Wednesday doing three or four sets, and they don't need to be. These are people who have got big hit podcasts, roles in sitcoms, host their own shows, they're out on a Wednesday doing three or four sets and they don't need to be. These are people who have got big hit

podcasts, roles in sitcoms, host their own shows, they do something. They're out on a Wednesday doing four sets because they're like, oh, I want to get better at this. Ari Shafir moved back to New York and listening to him talk about the differences, like it sounds like that if you're the purest. That's why I love it because as you know

and all of our listeners, I'm obsessed with getting really good at stand up and it just seems to me like if you really truly want to do that New York has got to be the place to be yeah

like you know I haven't been there for a few years I said that to him last night yeah and I'm like my plan is to go back in October

and I was chatting to my agent and I was just like I just feel like I need to like brush up my stand up a bit because

you just get a bit, you can just, you can get a sort of full sense of, of self here because everything's quite safe. You're making money. It's going all right. You can sort of like lean into your sets that, you know,

that work there. And I kind of miss like, like me and Russell Hicks were chatting about this because we was at Top Secret. And then, and then Mark come, he's like, Oh,

Dylan Moran's just turned up. And he's going on. Then Russell Howard's going on. And we were like, fucking yeah. Because then you're a bit like, you know, like gets you on your toes and gets you amped. Right. And that's what happens in New York all the time, which is good. Because you kind of want to have that moment where they're like, oh, Jim Gaffigan's just jumped in. He's going to jump on before you and then

you want to sit there and shit yourself and go how the fuck am i ever gonna be able to follow that you're not but it's good to try it out and like at least push yourself where you're like i'm gonna give it my all and i don't know if you get that many opportunities to watch other stand-ups that are at a much higher level than you and have to be on the same bill as them like it's important these are kind of good not and not and makes me better on stage than the person before me smashing it right sometimes you can't follow it i had to follow but you pat yourself on the back for giving it a fucking try right yeah following schultz in front of his own crowd in new york was not easy or you're oh, I did a good account of myself there.

I did better than I would have if he wasn't on. Right. A couple of weeks ago, I don't know whether I even told you about this or spoke about it on the pod. I might have. So forgive us if this is reposition. I was doing the London store weekend

and it was the last show, the Saturday late show and I had to close the late show. And I was just done. I'd had a panic attack at Top Secret because it was too hot and I couldn't get my words out properly. And you know, it's your fifth set of the night at the store and I'm like, I just haven't got this gig in me at all.

I'm just done. And I'm like, I'm just gonna have to phone this in. Just gonna have to. And Baba Sunday was on right before me and he absolutely smashed it. And I went, well, I haven't got a choice now. I've just got to go on. And I had the best set I had all weekend.

When I did not have that left in me at all, like it had gone. I was already in bed in my head. I was like, I'm done for the night. I'm emotionally and like physically exhausted. I just need to go on, go through the motions and get the thing done. And he squatted it and he come off.

And I went, what the fuck was that? And he went, what? And I was like, and he went, do you know who you are and i went yeah yeah i do actually i'll be fine and i just literally dug as deep as i could went on and overperformed every bit and i was like oh that's actually what i'm supposed to do at every gig yeah i mean because sometimes i think when you're when you're doing gigs gigs gigs you can just get a bit stuck in your own head and you're traveling you're on your own and then you kind of sometimes forget like my job is to make you lot laugh of course we know that but you know when you watch someone absolutely destroy like bubble to that i've never seen him not kill a

fucking room right but you kind of i'm like oh yes like i want to at least try and be as good or better than you that's important being on a bill with guys who have all phoned it in, who all don't want to be here, the old junglers negativity of like, no one wanted to be there. It's so bad for your stand-up to surround yourself with that. To be on a bill, especially if sometimes when you go on after someone,

if it's not a great crowd, and their attention span's low or whatever, but that's not what's going on there in top secret they're a great crowd he's going on and smashing it but there's still a store this is the store good gigs in london proper gigs hot water the gigs in new york i bet like there's still something in the crowd being around really good comics who are trying brings it out of you doesn't it i'm sure the analogy works for so many creative things and even sport like surrounding yourself with people who are making you want to be better because you're inspired because you're competitive that's so good yeah yeah man it's that it's that healthy

competition do you know what i mean and i think if you're a bit too cocky you sort of like can drop the ball a little bit or get too complacent and be like i don't want to i want to, I'm not asked. That is the most attractive thing about New York to me. Yeah. Is that you're always going to have to go on after someone famous or brilliant has been on. So who, of all the acts you can think of, who's the one comedian who, because they're brilliant or because they're similar to you,

who would make you go, oh, fuck. Who's the one act that you would be like, holy shit, this is going to be rough? What, as in following? Yeah. As in say we were playing the Runcorn Arena tonight. Right. Do you know who it would be at the moment?

Jordan Gray. Okay. Because Jordan Gray is doing some next level shit, right? We did the Pleasance. I hadn't met her before. And we did the Pleasance Theatre in London. And I was like, all right. And they were like, oh, she's closing.

I was like, I haven't seen her before. I watched her and I was like, thank fuck for that. Because if I had to follow whatever the fuck. I've never worked with her. So Jordan Gray is a trans comic who's just been nominated for best show at the fringe but like four

like majority five and a couple of four side reviews and just absolutely blathered the fringe a show is called is it a bird

fucking hilarious right so good she she sings and as a comic when you see anyone get on stage with any kind

of instrument you're just like yeah all right then do you know what i mean this woman is fucking a powerhouse and the comedy is on point and she's just she's doing shit that i haven't seen anyone do and she's someone that like i'd in this, I'd be like, yeah, boy. Do you know what I mean? Like, I would shuffle onto the stage after. Do you know what I mean? And just be like, everyone,

this is a palate cleanser. Fucking relax. Who's the hardest person you've ever had to follow? Do you reckon? Tom Stade. Yeah? Yeah, Tom Stade, who asked to go in the middle at a gig in Manchester

on a Saturday night just after Meat Van had come out. Like, they knew that it was him just as he broke and he was like yeah I need to go on in the middle I think the promoter was like yeah because he's got to get somewhere and it turns out he just kind of fancied doing the middle and he was just in a position where he could basically say I want to do it he wasn't he didn't know who was meant to be closing so i got moved around and i tried my best i did that thing of like just try your best smash it and someone went fair play that like as i came off went fair play gave that a good shot one as good as tom you were

good like and i think there are times when you have to be like, I didn't go. The worst thing you can do is go, I should, like even bitch at the crowd about it. I mean, this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be here. Just get your fucking head down and do the shift. I'm sure I've been guilty of a whinge here and there,

but it's so much better when you go do the fucking gig. You got to stand up. And if, if in the end you're like, yeah, Tom was better. Like he was, Tom stayed at his best.

You've got to move past that, man. I think you can do that in the first few years of standup, where you can kind of be like, yeah, Tom was better. Like he was, Tom stayed at his best. You've got to move past that, man. I think you can do that in the first few years of stand-up where you can kind of be like, yeah, the audience, the crowd, blah, blah, blah. But mostly, I think if you're honest with yourself, it's normally something to do with you. Even if you get up and you kind of decide, definitely sometimes audiences can be a bit off and janky.

You don't know what's happened before. But more than anything, if I've had a weird gig, I kind of know something is going on you've had a bad day you were late you're stressed you're sweaty i'm sort of off beat i'm sort of in my head a bit i've decided i was gonna go before i go on i haven't given it the right thought i'm not getting on stage with the right intention i'm a bit pissed off my ego's a bit inflated something is normally going on with me because when i'm like humble and like what i want to do is fucking make these people laugh and i'm going on light and wanting to entertain people the gig goes fucking well do you know what i mean but i will say in new york i'm being at the stands which is

like great venue but the people that would drop in in, I was about to go on stage, they were like, Jim Gaffigan's turned up. I was like, wicked. So he went on and then they went, David Tell's turned up. And I was just like, make it end. Do you know what I mean? Make it end. And I went on and of course,

I'm not going to be as good as those guys. Do you know what I mean? But I'm honoured to be able to share the stage and try my best to follow. You know what i mean but i'm honored to be able to share the stage and and try my best to follow yeah you know what i'm saying and that's chappelle like we were talking because chappelle was is in liverpool like last night and tonight and these guys were there last night and he was at hot water what if someone had to fucking serious going on after chappelle dave chappelle for two o'clock in the morning you didn't are we there yeah oh mate and we took him

there as well are you for real he has to come on the podcast but we were like we've got michelle can you imagine i'd have been like ah it's like that then oh you got dave chapelle here we've had dave chapelle just before you you can follow yeah yeah yeah i'm like everyone seems really low energy and unbothered by my he'd be hard to follow yeah yeah jesus especially because he'd do two hours yeah that um last night he asked like me about working in new york and he's like oh ask me where i played and whatever and i just said i went i think that's one of the places i can see myself living at one of the few places and he went there isn't a comic that i

think is top level who has had a career that didn't go via new york interesting that's what he said interesting so what did he order uh he he got uh it's probably called don't worry michelle the salt and chili steak yeah with soft noodles and some shumais all right i'm getting that in tonight yeah very surreal experience did it so did you watch the show was it good he very deliberately uh was bombing ah so he went on at the end of the show so the show finished at half nine yeah he said i'll go on at 10 go and tell the audience dave chapelle's in he'll go on at 10 so they all stayed so compared that to phil for like 20 minutes 30 minutes and he went on with Jeff Ross

so he went on first and did 20 Jeff Ross went on with him they did an hour and a half together and it was a combination of them just talking to each other

hanging out and then they'd go hey what about remember when Joe Biden fell off his bike and they'd do two minutes it'd be really funny but then they'd spend

another five just finding the next thing they wanted to talk about and bombing just going ah it didn't work but everyone just sitting there like it sounds like a podcast with an audience but then they'd spend another five just finding the next thing they want to talk about. And bombing, just going, ah, it didn't work. But everyone's just sitting there like... It sounds like a podcast with an audience.

That's essentially what it was. Then they were doing stand-up within the podcast as well. It was amazing to watch, but it wasn't like he was ripping for two hours. No, but you're watching the process, right? Yeah, you're watching him in the gym. Yeah. He's literally going,

I'm literally doing this because I want to do it. And people were leaving leaving and he's like by the way if you want to go go but I will still be here when there's only 40 left he's like I'm going until I want to stop

he's like so if you want to leave it's fine I won't take offence to it and people were standing up from the front row he was saying bye he was going

like have a good night thanks for coming blah blah blah and the room was getting empty and he was like take it easy he's like I'm going nowhere by the way

and he was passing his spliff round buying everyone pints while he was on stage insane fucking random in it it was amazing i was in preston last night it was good it was dead good you probably heard about it you've seen it on socials and stuff it was pretty big it was legendary i bought someone a lucas aid are you no but are you for real did you miss miss it? Yeah. Mate. I had a tour preview. Fucking wow. I know. You did that.

Hello, Preston. They went for Chinese with Dave Chappelle. I went for a garlic bread on my own. Yeah. Sitting in a fucking ibis thinking, oh, I wonder if the vending machine's far. Wow. Okay.

Yeah, pretty cool nightly. Jeez, mate. Let's have a little break. Let's have a word from some twat who gives us money every time. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real?

This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute.

We just said don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word

Pod merch. That's what I was saying just in a more polite way. And that's here because Carlo put the graphic in have a word pod.com if you can't read get on me par four par four michelle yeah in this bit we've got questions yeah people write in and we ask you what you think go on then we'll give our own opinions as well i mean because there is our fucking podcast is your fucking podcast so we'll all just help let's just fucking start going in question question one is uh question for adam what part of the podcast is this gonna love you so much you know she didn't take their shit my tooth my tooth oh shut up it very hurt you know

you can't stop touching it now in't it Yeah It broke when you came in Is it You came in And my tooth broke That's the kind of energy You bring into a room Powerful Also I had sweets on the table

So I was like You're disgusting But what Like what is it A boiled sweet That's just A boiled sweet How old are we

Come on Old I know yeah Boiled You definitely have boiled sweets. It was a Murray Mint. Not a Weber's Original. You definitely do have boiled sweets in the house.

Switching it up. What? You definitely have boiled sweets in the house. No, in the car. Tell me right now. What a long journey. Here's a question. I don't because I've run out because I eat one every time I go and fucking visit your mum.

That's not good enough. So what did you break it on? That was fucking poo was it yeah I've got a bad tooth here no one gives a fuck

I'm fucking trying to ask you what did you break your tooth on a sweet tea what sweet tea was it it was a mint

it was a soft mint so your teeth were proper fucked in it was a chewy one a chewy sweet that's what you broke it on yeah fucking hell

was it a mau the soft fruit flavoured chew yeah I was having them Before the soft ones It's self inflated Have I got Where there's original

Somewhere in your house Stop You have to haven't you I haven't It's a money mint innit I haven't Because every time I eat a where there's original

I visit your dad Where is he Spain So I really get through Jennifer Kemp says Real question Jenny Kemp Real talk Kemp Ross, real question. Jenny Kemp-o. Real talk.

Kemp-o. Ross Kemp. It's Ross Kemp's daughter, Jennifer Kemp. It actually is Ross Kemp's daughter. Yeah. It says here. No, it's Martin Kemp.

His brother. Stop talking. If you had to open a theme park, what would the theme be and what would the rides be called? So, you have to open a theme park can't use your money i think it'd be joy right i'm trying to have a good time what did that stand for again

what jerkoff oh it's spelled no j-o-y not j-o-i the jerkoff instruction theme park with adam rowe grab your dick lads give it a good wank i can't i can't open a theme park i don't like roller coasters. Are you good with roller coasters? I am, but that's the only ride I'm good with. It's got to be going in one direction. I can't be doing that like round and round or backwards. Do you know what I mean?

It's got to go like- That's what roller coasters are. What? Do you like the caterpillar then? What? Roller coasters are meant to be mad. Me and Michelle are going to have a lovely time on the ghost train. Right, it's got to go in one direction. That's a shut the fuck up right it's my fucking answer i want it to start

here and i want it to end here i don't want it to go around like the waltzes or anything like that and i don't want like you know like slingshots up and down fuck them right yeah thank you i want it like a roller coaster that i I can do Okay Just one direct Rita's Rita Alton Towers Good woman She just It's the super fast set off

Yeah That's straight for a lot I'm into that I just don't like spinning Do you know what I mean We were on the waltzes At Leeds Fest today And it changed my life

Really Yeah Did you have a drink The waltzes You had No it was Me, Carl and Steve Who's eating fucking Murray Mints now you cunts It was Seneca drink the waltzes you had me Carl and Steve who's eating

fucking Murray Mints now you cunts it was Seneca and the waltzes it was Seneca's idea shut up Seneca's idea and she was right it was incredible

Seneca and Iona shared a waltzer and me Carl and Steve all squeezed into one waltzer together and then he broke my neck and I cried laughing

the whole time really it was so funny you know what you know I can't do waltzes yet. When I was a kid, I went to Tunisia. Like my mum took me and my brother and I went on this janky fare ride and I ran out of money.

So I gave this guy my Nike hat for unlimited goes on the waltzer. But I thought it was going to be like one go and I could come back and then have another go. And he just kept me on there for about 20 minutes. And I was just like, on there for about 20 minutes. And I was just like, I'm done, bruv.

Like this is, it's really hard to say get off when there's like G-force clinging you to the fucker. I was just like, I'm done with this. I honestly, I wouldn't get on like a carnival fucking, what the rickety ones, but in Tunisia, Tunisian carnies must be a whole new level of fucking dangerous.

Yes. That's like one death an afternoon they're like of course yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly that's the extra show

collateral damage isn't it it was absolutely fantastic at Leeds Fest it was like what do you ever go on the wild do you ever go on the wild mouse what fuck off

is it called the wild mouse was it do you ever go on the wild mouse in Blackpool yeah it was the most dangerous ride there but that's why it was fun because you didn't know

if you were going to come off they've had to shut it yeah they had to shut it it was made out of wood there's a picture of our jack on that with my dad oh my god yeah i've seen it and like so you're in like a sort of a box like where you sit sort of on a little step in it and my dad's like sat there and our Jack is fucking in the recess. It was terrifying. Have you seen the video, old video? You know what, the ball, there's two seats. It's like the opposite of a bungee jump. The slingshot thing, yeah.

The slingshot. And the fat kid that starts slipping out. And the woman next to him and he's going,ice janice and it's just the g-force of his fat little tub is pulling him down and she's laughing it's so beautiful there's loads of them like with people's wigs coming off or people being like passing out yeah yeah and come to and they're like and then pass out again. I don't like being upside down. Ever. Do you know if I drop something and it goes like under the couch

and you know, you have to like get upside down to have a look under. It takes me about 10 minutes to recover from that, you know. Mate, upside down to look under the couch?

Or like under your bed. Do you ever hang off the bed to get something from under the bed? Yeah. Yeah, that takes me a while to recover from. I honestly thought

he was going to say, once it's under there, I just don't look. Once it's fallen under there, I was just like, that's it. He buys a new phone. Oh God, well that's gone. Do you know what I mean? Like when you have to sort of go upside down and the blood rushes to your head.

Yeah, but you can just like lie down on the floor and like look underneath the, like I'm just sort of like, what are you doing? Do you sleep in a bunk bed? Like what are you talking about? Like just lie on the floor and. Do you doing Do you sleep in a bunk bed Like what are you talking about Like just lie on the floor And Do you think if I slept

On a bunk bed Do you think I'd be Hanging off the top bunk To look under the bottom I'm just wondering How you're hanging off When you're upside down I'm like how high

Is your bed Okay Got it Got it Got it Got it It's too much for you I'm going to be quiet

For the next five minutes now Because that has hurt me Yeah Roller coasters are fantastic. No. They're just, like, you're just putting yourself

at risk of death. No, you're not. That's kind of the thrill, isn't it? That's the thrill. I don't need that thrill. Give me an ice cream. Well, you don't.

You don't, because every time you bend over, that's the risk of death as well, isn't it? Like, I've got enough, mate. I've tied my shoe laces today. Shoe laces? Ah, I said laces wrong

bastard so annoying shoe laces I just don't understand why I don't understand horror films why are you watching something to be scared

to feel alive I love horror films why to feel alive I love it you know why because I think I went through

before I started therapy I was so emotionally flat that I needed something to feel excitement watch a romcom watch nothing kill nah I wasn't doing it I needed something to feel excitement. Just watch a rom-com. Watch Nothing Kill. Nah.

I wasn't doing it. I needed something. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't need that. I'm a very emotional person, Michelle. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So it's too much for you?

If I watch a rom-com, I'm like, oh, isn't this lovely? But a horror film is just too much for me. It's sensually overloaded. Now I'd probably be all right, but I think there was a time where I was so like emotionally flat do you know what I mean so when you started doing therapy were you sort of disassociating what was what was the thing that yeah I think I just wasn't that connected to how I felt I think I'd been like suppressing the way I felt for so long that like I'd watch horror films on my own just to sort of like you know feel but i suppose then

that's the healthier reaction then if you're like i don't want horror films because they're dead scared that sounds more emotionally tuned in with yeah if you're like yeah i'm gonna shit myself up fuck off eat a muddy mint and leave my emotional videos what so low. Do you watch sad videos? What? So like someone's like oh look at this dog it's got no legs but like he's happy. Do you watch them? Yeah. Yeah. Sick of people.

I don't watch them. There's a sad video I watch almost every time I'm on Gover of a man and woman on their wedding day. No just the woman sorry. Yeah.

So. Clip it. Yeah. This is true. So what happened was the bride's dad had died and her favourite song was Butterfly Kisses

do you know that song yeah right so her brother because her brother's got like her brother's got quite a good voice yeah he recorded Butterfly Kisses

for her right and they played that as her first dance because her dad's not there she's dead I know the brother

her uncle and her grandad all danced to it instead and it's all there she's dead I know the brother her uncle and her grandad all dance with her instead and it's all emotion she's sobbing the whole time how do you watch it every time though have you got it saved have you got it

it's on YouTube right so you type in I just type I type Butterfly Kiss's wedding dance and then but like what's the fault behind it

so you're already you're hungover so you feel like I think I just take comfort in knowing that other people have gone through more difficult times than I'm going through

fucking hell oh my god and then I watch holocaust videos you know because I'm hungover as fuck but that was well worse

Jesus Christ turns out emotionally tuned in it's question marks question marks Michelle we get asked for advice a lot because you can tell Jesus Christ. Turns out, emotionally tuned in, it's question marks, question marks. Michelle, we get asked for advice a lot because you can tell we've got our shit together. So people...

People really want to hear from us. He's a sage. He's a wise, wise man. I am good at giving advice advice i'm just not very good at taking it i bet you are i mean because you're emotionally it's very true yeah yeah yeah and it's true isn't it you are awful at taking advice but i'm really good at giving it i normally know the right thing for a friend of mine to do yeah yeah i can believe that yeah uh this lad says agony adam wag wag lids so i've recently got back from spending

two months in germany with work while i was over there i got chatting to a bird from scotland online when i got back to the uk i went up there to stay with her but when i got to her house it became apparent that she's a fucking meth like there must have been at least a month's worth of rubbish on the kitchen units i couldn't bring myself to clean it for her um and i'd need at least two gas masks to even get in there and start it's fucking grim fast forward a couple of days and it was so bad i ended up cleaning it and it was honestly worse than anything i've ever done she's really nice but oh she's put a fucking scruff what should i do cheers lids anthony i'd say what's the fanny saying do you know what i mean what what's the fanny saying like is it as filthy because

clearly there was no indication suited to this podcast no but i'm just saying like clearly there was no indication right as someone who's gone down on my fair amount of women, you know, right? So if there was no indication to the fact that her house is a fucking dirty shithole, that you've already been sleeping with her and whatever, whatever, whatever, and then you clean the house and it's still disgusting.

Like, I think he's just not into mess. Cool, safe. You can either have her come and stay with you yeah wipe that memory from your head and just get stuck in to the minge question or question what if she just comes to your house and scruffs your house up well you think you can sort of keep on top of that but i am 100% with her i would much rather a woman clean a fanny than a house do you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying like if we're talking about importance here yeah bro you was in germany having a time of your life with her

and then you went to her house but like if everything the opposite is so much worse yeah if she if you walk into a girl's house and she's like take your shoes off and then she's got fucking a fucking rotten fanny that's horrible isn what would you prefer you can't you can't listen you cannot have everything yeah and this is the thing these guys sound like a perfect match she's filthy he likes cleaning i don't see what the problem is yeah so what he needs to do to his house wherever the fuck he lives and just do your things and like send her home

with some flash wipes or whatever. Yeah. For her house and her fanny. Like, me and this girl would be a really bad match to be honest with you.

Right. Because my house gets a little bit messy sometimes but I clean my dick every day. He is. He is coming out as a fucking cunt. Every single day.

Every day. Every day. Every day. No, even on the Shabbat. I close my dick every morning. he is he is coming out every single day every day every day every day no even on the Shabbat I close my dick every morning even on the Sabbath he cleans his dick what

you're not getting a medal for that everyone does that yeah are you surprised really no I was taking a piss do you know what I mean

you should be doing it every day to clean it wow you're a hero pits and bits Do you know what I mean? You should be doing it. Every day to clean it. Wow. You're a hero. Hit some bits. I just know what women want. Do you know what I mean?

A clean dick. It's one of the things. Anthony, the wisdom. Isn't it? Isn't it? I'm great at giving advice. Clean your dick. Honestly, regardless of what the sort of vaginal cleanliness situation is, I can't do this.

What, you can't? I can't. You can't. Fucking look around this office. Are you for real? I know. You can't. You just fucking broke your tooth on a soft mint.

Are you all right? Are we all right? I'm going to get that fixed. I'm going to get a flash wipe for it. All right, so you can't do that you you this is why i want the uh studio tidy because then people come in and judge me it's a disgrace i've only got three teeth left just make my end of life care nicer who are you talking to there you get fucked we're just do you know what we need a cleaner in the new office

email this guy back and tell him that you got a job for him yeah what look so you i couldn't fuck someone that was scruffy you couldn't no yeah but he's already fucked her yeah i know but how is he gonna keep doing it when you're like you're beautiful even if she's beautiful and she's gorgeous but you're like oh my god just get over just like i bet in bedrooms a fucking state do you know what it's true though because like I remember like especially when I was younger like sleeping with them

fucking basic little hackney boys do you know what I mean and I'm a graphic designer I ride a fixed bike nowhere go rock climbing at the weekend

cool and then you get to their house and you're like you ain't got any toilet roll I'm drying myself with a t-shirt I'm wiping my noon with that centre bit

of the toilet roll like I'm not coming back here I'm not coming back I love how your attitude to that wasn't i'm leaving it's joe i'll stay for now but i might fuck coming back i'm not coming back i hope you had a good time when you see this face you ain't seen it again bruv when you have to dab piss with the cardboard bit of the toilet roll oh that's not good you know what i mean you know what I mean? Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, all right. Okay.

All right, so you're saying... I honestly, I don't know how it... It's not sustainable. Because what's the end game? Marrying a fucking pig. Nobody lives together and she learns. Yeah, people can change, Dan. And she's got roommates as well. She's got roommates.

It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she's got mice. That's a win. Someone, no flat flatmate she's obviously doing all right maybe she's very busy paying her rent or mortgage ah that's what it is she's a fucking mcscruff i don't mind it me no of course you don't mind it because you're just for a while yeah but like i think i'd be bad for there because i i've had that in relationships before I'm like I'm fairly tidy now like if I notice

it's getting a bit messy I'm like I need to do an hour or two and sort this place out an hour or two what do you call messy just like I procrastinate as well

right so that hour is probably 20 minutes of cleaning but it takes me an hour to do it cleaning or tidy

this is how Adam cleans Aya can you come and do some cleaning no two hours gone no fuck off

yeah no my cleaner moved out three weeks ago no Dan no Dan he puts it in bin bags in the garage and someone collects that

I haven't got a garage anymore shame on you he's got a big window fuck the projection on that yeah you know but when I've been in relationships before

I've had arguments with the women I was with where they're like you're the scruff and I'm like no you're the scruff she's like you haven't moved this I'm like you haven't moved that that would be me in here because I'm better at tidying on my own now do you know what I mean

I keep on top of it if I've been away on tour I'll come in empty my suitcase and fill it back up and I'll just like it'll be messy do you know what I mean until I get come in Empty me suitcase And fill it back up And I'll just like It'll be messy Do you know what I mean

Until I get a couple of days Where I can source it out Your ass is a dirty shit Oh innit No I tell you what Do you know when I get back To my flat in a bit

No he tided it last week So it doesn't count Did it That'll be Enough time to mess it up My flat's sound The thing is as well When you live by yourself,

you do crusty shit that you would never do if there was someone else there. Do you know what I mean? Porrezo? Yeah. For example? You know, just like,

just leave your shit everywhere. Do you know, you might sort of put it back, but you know, sometimes I'll make toast or whatever and I'll just leave everything that I've taken out of the fridge on the side

because I think I can do what I want. It's yours? Yeah. But do you then put it away? Yeah, eventually, of course. I'm more prone to putting it away now that I live on my own. I don't know why.

Proud. I think I've grown. Yeah, sounds like it. Emotional growth. Is this the day of what Adam wants to be in his head? Wag-wag lids. This is for you, you'll love this. Been with my missus for six years

and have slept with one person other than her we got together late teens and now we have a mortgage so the commitments are real I am very much in love with her

and happy with her saving for a ring that level however had a weird conversation with my sister the other day and she's concerned that I'm not going to

experience my twenties properly and I'll end up doing fucked up shit down the line and break up the family like my dad did gambling house gambling the house away and cheat and just some random examples it has put uh thoughts in my head about missing out on things like traveling and shagging about life is short don't want to spend it in the confines of my house just because it's safe and sensible to invest young and be happy with the love of your life just run just wondering what you lids think about that not so much car because i know he and suarez have been together since reception um not only look it isn't is it car oh god hey come on

man you've said the name wrong uh looking forward to seeing dan in leeds then the whole sexy gang at the trump rally in de. Cheers, lids. So, been in with his missus for six years. Only slept with one other person and they're young and they're going committed early 20s. Do you know what I would say? Any worries? Don't underestimate the power of love.

Where's Adam? What have you done with him? I mean, mean if you found the love of your life yeah you've won yeah you've won is it isn't it weird that he's saying i've met the love of my life and i'm worried that i'm gonna be missing out but it's not even what it's not even him that's it's his fucking sister who's there who sounds dirty by the way she's probably not had the best time with guys and is

projecting some shit on him that's then making him want to think maybe I should do that now totally

so what you need to do is stop speaking to your sister yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Fill your water with cordial And it'll get thicker Yeah She sounds like a problem

Love cordial Stick it on me Cheers Right now Blood is thicker than water My ass Stick cordial in your water And it will be thicker

And then you've got orange blood What? What did you say? Yeah I thought so I think his sister is absolutely spot on Shag about Live your 20s I'm throwing it out there

he's made the love of his life you daft squawk he's like 25 he's gotta be under 25 how do you know what the love of your life is at 14 or whatever they are well I went to the clinic at 19

I did this no but I've done this and I'm happy and it's fine you can be happy it's like he says to fuck off yeah but he specifically said

I'm not arsed about Carl thinks because him and Luis Suarez have sound off I'm not arsed about Carl thinks because he's doing the same thing shut up the thing is as well right is that like yeah you can go you fuck about most of it would be mediocre you have a couple great shags a couple really shit ones you have some stories to tell your mates that's it that is it though that is literally i i've done a bit of fucking you know pokingoking about Anytime Can you not do it like that

This is how I This is how I finger the two women I'm with at the same time Because that's what he does In the clubs That he's always in I know Monday night

Finger night At his big booths Drinking bitter Whoop whoop Yeah Alright But literally though Like that is what

Like what life is about Hopefully If you can find love Finding someone That you're fucking into And you feel supported by or you can go and fuck around do what i did which is sniff one giant line around manhattan and fucking party my ass off and now i'm fucking tired and in therapy so it's up to you mate you's so many similarities manchester manhattan different but let's you know yeah but you see now you're in a loving relationship and you're dead happy

yeah so you've had both and what i'm saying is i've had both stick your dick in everything fucking time and you know what when i think about it, like it's taken me a while to meet someone I'm into. But up until then, I was still pining after people that I dated in my early 20s that I would truly had a connection with. But really I was like, but there's more soggy cock out there. I want to try it.

What have you met Laura when you were 25? That's like my internal monologue. What? What have you met Laura when you were 25? I would have fucked it up. Exactly. And he's trying not to. Is 25? I would have fucked it up. Exactly. And he's trying not to. Yeah, so why is that?

I'm to fuck it up? Exactly, man. Because you just got it later on? You know why? There's loads of Lauras. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. Oh, man.

I'm messing about. But for real, though, obviously you're with someone that you're truly connected with, right? But don't we all think of someone in our early 20s or late teens that you're like truly connected with right but don't we all like think of someone in their early 20s or late 20s that you broke up with because you was just like I'm the same in the world and actually

years later you do think and you go you know what that person was actually a fucking good match for me but because I didn't have much experience I didn't trust my instincts you know what I mean you second guessed them because you didn't you thought that you needed to go through more stuff because you didn't trust my instincts. You know what I mean? You second guessed them because you didn't, you thought that you needed to go through more stuff because you didn't trust yourself yet.

I have got this exact person. Back yourself. That's what I did. If you'd have got with them, you'd have divorced them by now and be with who you're with. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? There's no one that springs to mind for you for that? Like, wait, like obviously you're married. She was a bad meth. I think about this girl once a month at least. Thank you. And I bet now you're like- We were never together.

I passed her on the escalators on the tube. But like, I just knew. Do you know what I mean? You just followed her around and there was a restraining order, but it's like, ugh. Love. If it wasn't for the courts-

Love. You like taking this seriously. Right? This is my fucking podcast and you lot are making an absolute mess of it i could be in liverpool now but i'm not i'm fucking wrong um i i think stick with it stick with it lad because here's the thing i'll tell you right now i'll tell you right now tell you right now listen look right here right here ignore him right here i've zoomed into your face

if you if you fuck this up right and you he zoomed it fuck everything if you fuck this up and you fuck everyone else live for me listen you'll regret it because you'll always think what if i had a commitment to that and she'll get that happy she'll have a couple of kids with someone called bruce or something and you'll hate bruce because he should be you should be bruce you know what i've got one more thing to add to this maybe what he needs maybe what he needs to do is reassure his sister that he is still going to be just as close with her when he gets married because i wonder if that's the root of this his sister planting these little fucking seeds is actually her fear of abandonment because her dad abandoned her

and he's the man in her life. So maybe what he needs to do is just reassure her and go, stop being a toxic little cunt, all right? I'm not going anywhere. Well,

if we're doing proper answers, that was the one. But I'd also say, fuck everything. Your dad sounds like a ledge. Shagga disgusting just

sticking in loads of Suarez's and the joke about lots of Laura's was a joke how many podcasts I love you baby Dan's wife does listen to the podcast you're my everything

genuinely if I'd have met my wife ten years before I'd have just ended up losing a good one. But you don't know that? Because it could have just been the one where you go, oh. Let me have a look.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Yeah, because I was wanting to stick my willy in it for the soggy things. Why are you pointing to me? Because I referenced it. So you'd have felt them things and gone, oh. I was in Manhattan clubbing.

This is the main soggy one. Monday night. So do you not think there's anyone you could have met back then? When it would have just changed who you are? No. You're soulless. What? Just fucking everyone and taking pills.

Oh God, it sounds so good. Honestly, those two things don't go together. I mean, As a lifestyle Do you not take pills And fuck now I mean You can But in my experience

You have to have Bolognese first You've got to have The bolognese first From before That was from before Alright Shall we close this one off

With Now I'm just going to say In brackets Because We sniff bullshit around here This one's a bit far fetched with, now I'm just going to say in brackets, because we sniff bullshit around here. This one's a bit far-fetched, but it's kind of fun. So let's just assume that it's, but it is a bit far-fetched. I'll try and assume that it is. This is from Anonymous.

My mum's friend recently died. Oh shit. Hang on, don't press that. We don't know whether she's a cunt, yeah? My mum's friend recently died of cancer and she wasn't a dick. I didn't go to the funeral, but I came home to my mum crying about it.

She also had been given a little tube with a cork in the top of her friend's ashes to sprinkle in a place she saw fit. A couple of nights later, I had my mates around as my parents had gone away his mates and also the line of Hilda

what unfolded was what I could describe as a bit of a catty night when I woke up in the morning after I saw the tube was open and empty

thinking on my feet I filled it with white sand from our garden and a little bit of dirt and it looked exactly the same do I tell my mum

that we spilled the ashes which isn't 100% true, but still not great, or never mention it to her and let her have fake ashes in the mantelpiece forever? Yes, yes, lie. Yeah, lie until the day you die and then tell her. Yes, and then take the hoover bag

and sprinkle that somewhere. Do you know what I mean? So you've done your bit. But like, yeah, lie. Never tell your mum, mom your grieving mom that you've snorted auntie linda did they snort it or did you knock it over you can't be snorting people i think he's snorted it yeah smoking it'd be funny yeah they've had a catty night and they've seen something they've been like that's more okay yeah you can't be sniffing people. Her name was Kay as well.

Oh, that's not the worst. She was in a K-hole. Oh, words. Yeah, I'd take that one to the grave, wouldn't you? Yeah, what do you gain from telling your mum? Nothing. I think the truth is very, very, very important. If your mum ever asks you, did this happen?

You tell her the truth. Yeah. Because she's asked then. Yeah. Because that is a lie did this happen you tell her the truth yeah because she's asked then yeah that is a lie yeah withholding the truth you're on trial here until the fucking the prosecution asks you the question don't be fucking dobbing yourself in yeah and also it's to relieve yourself of guilt but it's not going to do anything to make your mom feel any better it's selfish to tell your mum. Exactly. Yes. Here's one problem. This sounds like a come down email.

It's just like, it'll pass. Don't worry, mate. What if snorting your mum's dead friend is the best high you've ever had? That's the problem, isn't it? Get a new job.

Oh my God, get on Janice. That is bad, isn't it? If you're like, oh, that's the best high I've ever had. That'd be the worry. Because how do you fund your habit?

You have to kill your mum's mates. Just killing a middle middle aged cancer sufferers but if you are going to do that you're going to need a leg of lamb hey awesome eyes

with the dealers on the street I've got fucking I've got June Beryl anyway yeah just you've got to die

with the lie here lad yeah sorry yeah no one wins except for you and you don't even win you just feel a bit better yeah

yeah but not really because then your mum's just gonna be gutted yeah she'd be more sad then yeah just forget about it yeah even if she

even if she opened it which you'd never do because why would you open it she's not gonna notice is she also what the only way your mum will ever know

is if she goes to sniff her if your ma's like I'm gonna have a fucking a little bit of fucking Margaret here Is if she goes to sniffer If your ma's like I'm going to have a fucking A little bit of fucking Margaret here And then she goes Hang on That's fucking Sandon Day from the garden Okay now

That Margaret's been caught with something Brian My tooth hurt Michelle it's been An absolute pleasure meeting you We've never met before We haven't Thank you so much for having me

It's been I think the point I knew that you were perfect this part is that you said what's the fanny saying joyous these are important

questions to ask Michelle your tour starts in March where are tickets on sale do you know Live Nation

she doesn't know we'll put the link in we'll put the link in won't we we'll find doesn't know! We'll put the link in. We'll put the link in, won't we? We'll find out. Check the description. As soon as we finish recording, we'll put the link on screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's your Instagram handle? My name? Michelle DeSwalt. Okay. D-E-S-W-A-R-T-E. We will make sure you are credited in the description. Thank you. I'm terrible at admin.

It shows, doesn't it? It absolutely does. So am I, though. So it's fine. Oh, that's all right. Friday, the 9th of September, I'm in Nantwich. There are two shows that aren't going to sell out on this tour. The rest are going to sell out.

Cardiff towards the end of the tour on November 12th. I'm not sure that's going to sell out. I'd like it to. Is that your only Cardiff date? Yeah. I have to glean. It's already getting three quarters sold. So then it's going to sell out I'd like it to Is that your only card update? Yeah It's getting very It's already getting It's three quarters sold

So then it is going to sell out Alright it's probably going to sell out Nantwich is such a big room I would love it If you're anywhere In the Cheshire area Friday the 9th And also

Talking about Friday the 9th Two months later Friday the 9th of December We are doing The Arena in Liverpool Three months later What? Three months later, Friday the 9th of December, we are doing the Arena in Liverpool. Three months later. What? Three months later.

Hang on, let me work out how months work. Yeah, three months later. Friday the 9th of December, we're doing Have A Word Live at the Arena in Liverpool. There are about 450 tickets left, and then we have sold out an actual arena, which is just insane. Gigsandtours.comandtours.co.uk, no, gigsandtours.com,

or ticketquarters.co.uk. I'm doing some Adam Rowan friend shows to get some new material ready, but most of them are already sold out. If you want to check on adamrow.co.uk, for those, there might be some standing tickets left for November, but I'm not sure.

Thanks, Michelle. Thank you so much. Honestly, guys. Thanks for coming in thanks for making me feel so welcome we got some tunes uh yeah if you're a youtube viewer you don't get the song obviously but if you listen to us on audio you will know by now we always end with an unsigned artist or an independent artist who's got a new song coming out or something like that and we leave that over to finn because he's our resident music nonce. That's me. This week is a band called Ginge

and it's their debut single, I Hate You. They've got a gig in Blackpool in a couple of weeks. So check that out if you like it. There you go. We'll see you all next week. Sign up to Patreon as well. It's the best Patreon in the game. See you. I hate you

I hate you all the time So up and down Like a rollercoaster ride Yet you need me You need me in your life Just to make you happy And to occupy your mind So cry

Oh yeah go and cry Take your leave I don't care It's a wild idea, it's a wild idea Cut off your ears, cut off your ears I don't need you controlling my time Forgetting you there brings a smile to my life So cry Oh yeah, go and cry Take your leave, I don't care

Yeah So cry Oh yeah, go and cry So cry Oh yeah, go and cry Take your life if you don't care Cry Oh yeah, go and cry

I feel it, I fall and run out of here I kick my fingers so you disappear No more time for you All you seem to do is cry