Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #189 with Joanne McNally - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 11, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Do you reckon she came again after Philip died? Not today, Adam.

No, she's dead now, not today. Not today. Do you reckon? She's finding it really hard to even be here today. When was her last orgasm? Was it this decade? Wow. Wow. Wow.

She therefore flicked herself off. Yeah, that's what killed her. Hang on. Flick of news. Autopsy. Flicked off to death. If it was that, do you reckon they'd ever report it? No.

If she cummed herself to death? Yeah, they'd report it. One last time. Do you think that would be on the front page? Nicholas Whitchell, the royal analyst, he knows. He's going to break the news. Whoa. She freaked herself off to completion anally.

Wow. It's been a fucking hell. That is busy, isn't it? That asshole just exploded I just honestly guys It's so nice to speak to Scousers after the death of a queen Turns out because you've got the inside track on

How she died like the Daily Mail Running with did she die of a broken Heart and you know you've got It's a broken arse It's a broken arsehole In all seriousness No You know. You've got... It's a broken arse. It's a broken arsehole. Yeah. In all seriousness. No, it... Listen, I'm finding it hard to even be here today.

Are you? Because you really want to be at the new studio? No, because... Hey. HRH, mate. She's dead. What does HRH stand for? Her Royal Highness.

Nice. Her Rectal Hymen. Her Rectal Hymen. It's bro. Oh, that's a long time ago. Dot, dot, dot. The second. Do you know what?

I did mate her. What? Did mate her. She's just a little old woman, wasn't she? Yeah. Yeah? I'm not,

I'm anti-royal, but I'm not anti-human no well she couldn't decide could she you can't you have to die to not be queen no more

yeah and she wasn't going to kill herself you can't step down she could have said ages ago Charlie you have a go lad

I'm going to Butland she's proper put him in his place for the last fucking king game have you seen his hands no I've not seen his hands what about game. Have you seen his hands? No, I've not seen his hands.

What about his hands? Have you seen his hands? They just, footnote, Carl's dead excited about Charles' hands. Fucking, you can't be king with fingers like that. These better be some fat fucking fingers. Honestly, you remember that Chris Rock bit about fat women wearing shoes?

Looked like they're baking bread in their shoes. I want to see literally puffy fat. Well, he's doing the wave and it'll look like he's just like a string of sausages. You know when you've got like string round a gammon in the oven? Honestly, people are going to think he's a butcher. He's selling balloons for kids. Can I have one of them? Can I have a unicorn?

He's going to look like he's running a meat van. Look, sausages. That's a famous thing that meat van salesmen do. They wave sausages, don't they? They don't get a sign saying meat van, or a picture of meat. They wave sausages. Look at these bastards, mate.

Come on, these better be fucking... Look at that ring. Look at the little finger. bastards mate come on these better be fucking oh lord oh look at that ring look at the little finger imagine trying to get that ring off oh my god

he's gonna pop his pinky off hey hang on why hasn't he got a wedding ring he can't fit it on like a hula hoop no but seriously

why hasn't he got a wedding ring because he loves smashing poos Yeah when he goes to Park World He doesn't want no one to know he's married Is he married to Camilla Yeah

She's now the queen consort She will be crowned next to him Yeah she's the queen isn't she No she's not Why not She's not the queen Why Because he's a divorcee isn't he

Oh is that the rules So Diana would have been queen Yeah And she's a bitch So that't he oh is that the rules so diana would have been queen yeah and she's a bitch so that like that's i think that's in the list yeah because no one likes camilla no i've gone you can't be queen have you watched have you watched the crown so she fills me in with it all yeah he basically always loved her she was his girlfriend he got told to marry diana everyone really liked diana initially she was dead young and he was like yeah You're annoying. And I really love this woman who's already married.

And I'm going to keep banging her in Gloucestershire. And he always has. And he always did. That's a euphemism there. Means in the ass. The famous fuck me in my Gloucestershire. So this episode, as you can tell, is a tribute to Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II

who frigged herself off in the Gloucestershire. Oh dear. This is my life. This is not how I'd have opened. It is funny. It is funny. I'm grieving. I'm grieving. Right, so he's married but he doesn't wear the wedding ring and she's what? The Queen? Oh, I'd have opened. It is funny. It is funny. I'm grieving. I'm grieving. Yeah, but, right.

So, he's money, but he doesn't wear the wedding ring. And she's what? The Queen? Queen Wrightsworth? Consort. Consort. The Queen what? She's a Wrightsworth.

She was? Ooh. She's a Wrightsworth, eh? The Queen Wrightsworth? She's got a sloppy Gloucestershire. There's been flooding. Sounds like a type of cheeseburger. There's a sloppy Gloucestershire. There's been flooding. Sounds like a type of cheeseburger. Sloppy Gloucestershire!

I'm going to go for the sloppy Gloucestershire, please. I fucking love this pub. I'm trying these fucking burgers. Oh my God, I want sloppy Gloucestershire fucking dirt. Have you tried the sloppy Gloucestershire? No, but I am grieving. It's hard work, you know. I'm laughing because of the pain.

Sometimes, you know, when you're so sad. Also, what's happening with sausage fingers what the is that oh my god he looks like terry tibbs it looks like terry tibbs with diabetes it looks like he's going to do you a deal on a 2006 bmw force five series can you imagine him trying to untie tight shoelaces? Damn it. Oh, no. You've got to get the dexterity to just pull. No. What's that?

He definitely wears Velcro. He's got to pull it. The king wears Velcro shoes. Good film. Good film. The king wears Velcro shoes. The king wears Velcro shoes The devil wears Velcro shoes The king wears Velcro shoes Are they

Are they nominated For the Mercury Award Yeah yeah yeah They're a great band Great band Imagine having to Have a butler Oh imagine getting

Slapped by the king When he watches This episode Because he's He's your three Five pound patron And he's Imagine being

Slapped like that How dare you just put like pillows little fat fucking podgy pillows do you reckon it's possible that King Charles the third which is who he is now

no he's going to be George isn't he he's what he's going to be King George why apparently the previous two King Charles's have been bad luck

so he's going to use them to change his name yeah they didn't have a lot of luck did they they you know they got I think Charles II

got executed he was the he was the civil war king wasn't he no I've seen it on Twitter it's going to be King Charles III I know

apparently it's going to be King Charles it doesn't sound like it sounds like a dog doesn't it have you got a King Charles III yeah yeah

they don't walk very well do they with their fucking paws fat pawed cunt. You can't say King Charles without then saying Spaniel. Another reason why it's going to be George? No, I think he's not really changing to George, is he? I'll just call him the Spaniel.

Where are you getting your information? Wales Online? Oi, oi, oi. He hasn't decided yet. And you. She isn't even fucking cold. William will be Prince of Wales As is his right

You fucking little Welsh rebel Calm down I thought you'd give me a bit more there You don't care do you Fuck Alright okay Do you think it's possible That King Charlie the third

King George Whatever he wants to be called Spano Spano Spano Spano the Spano. Spano. Spano the three. Right, right.

CS3. Sounds like a YouTube. Joe Tao. Joe Tao. Joe Tao. Joe Tao. A full-summit. It's a YouTube. Yeah.

Spano the third. Do you reckon it's possible that he has seen a clip of this? Ever? I reckon one of his cards. Do you reckon he's got TikTok? Mate. We're big on TikTok. He can't hold a phone.

How's he getting on his phone? I want to watch a podcast. Blah, blah. It's possible that somebody in the grounds, maybe a guard, has flicked onto a clip. And showed him it. Charlie, get on this one

yeah talking about bumming your man in oh we're clipping that one aren't we we're clipping it clip the old ma bumming get it out quickly

express it you know lads but he must have like this is what I've always thought about like the royals and that right they must have like secretly normal

part of the life like it was rumoured for years That the Queen was a big fan of Amma Celebrity Get me out of here Yeah she will have been She watched the television Exactly So it's

Television's dead isn't it So have they moved with the times Nah yeah That's what I spat on you I'm so sorry You made me laugh so much Just because you Yeah she's big into gaming now.

Television's dead. Queen's watching unboxings on YouTube. Yeah, the Queen, honestly. And also, no one pays in cash anymore. She was on that, and she was like, oh, is my face on Bitcoin? She was well up to date. Always frigging her arsehole off,

checking her crypto. Why am I not on the crypto? Watching KSI watching the boxing Sidemen not paying for it oh I love Sidemen Peter or what

I wonder what the most normal thing she did was poo oh everyone poos oh oh it's a matter of time before you fucking children

go what does a queen shit Jesus Christ she definitely does yeah yeah you're right everyone wipes their ass don't even be honest we've done it

literally we're just doing it about a dead queen now lizards poo fact do you like eggs she does I bet there was loads

loads of normal stuff and then no but do you reckon she's like do you reckon she's like a patron of any podcast in the world do you reckon she's ever like like watched ever watched something you don't expect her to?

Another one pod. Yeah. Yeah, the Queen. Big Liz was a big Rob Thomas fan. You see it. I'd love to know what her most normal thing was like that though. Just normalise her to us and maybe we would like her more. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. She loves pointless. She loves it like a Benson and Edges after a wank. Something like that. Yeah. Where's the Queen? She's it like a Benson and Edges After a wank Something like that Yeah Just Where's the queen?

She's going for a B&H after Dry her hands Yeah yeah yeah She must have got food in Like She must have Like B&B ends She must have had them at one point

Or like A Cornetto Yeah 100% She's There's And she's never had the Subway Do you think she's like Do you think she's like a demigod

She's just an old lady Who lives in a fucking castle But Yeah but She didn't do any Everything was done for her No Who's ever played darts

She had a subway They call it the sport of kings Don't they Yeah they do Famously Yeah At the Alley Pally That's why it's a palace

Yeah yeah I just loved him I loved him Did you know when Ben Laden died And he was like Oh he was watching loads of porn And he was an Arsenal fan I loved him

Did you know it was the Queen Was the Queen Into Peggin And did she love the Premier League No she's into La Liga Weirdly She's an Aston Villa fan Isn't she

No William is But he forgot didn't he Oh David Cameron Yeah he forgot William's an Aston Villa fan, isn't she? No, William is, but he forgot, didn't he? Oh, David Cameron, yeah, he forgot. William's an Aston Villa fan, and that's because of his man. She's an Aston Villa fan. Yeah. She was gutter when Jack Grealish left. That's what killed him.

His mum? What? William's mum? Yeah. No. Okay, here we go. William's nan. Yay!

Sorry, get them confused. There you go. Diana was a PSG fan. It's amazing how much you know about her masturbating history when you can't even remember who's who. I don't know, I'm just speculating. Was it in a way? Getting away from the stadium is a fucking nightmare, isn't it?

Yeah. Just trying to beat the traffic. Just seen Leonardo put in a man of match performance Oh nice player I've got a table reservation I just guessed

1997 PSG Leonardo I think I might be wrong you know I think he might be I think he might have been at AC Milan in 1997

Fucking great team Milan in the 90s I know they were a bit of a monster Ibrahim Bar I remember him playing oh you got it right oh Leonardo

nice good looking man but yeah like I said a couple of weeks ago I love when like big news happens like I sit and watch the news so I've gone home

I've put the news on waiting for it to die you like enjoy tragedy, don't you? Yeah. I know it's like sociopath stuff but you actually do, don't you?

It's weird. I enjoy feeling like I'm part of something in a weird way. And you did kill her. I was there. You know what I mean? For about 20 minutes

then I'm fine. I don't know. The more people are doing something, the more it makes me not want to do it. The more people are tweeting about something, the more I'm like, I'm fine I don't know The more people Are doing something The more it makes me Not want to do it And the more people Are tweeting about something

The more I'm like I'm alright I have this aversion To like When everyone's like This is happening This is my opinion on it This is all my jokes on it

I go Alright cool cool cool Then I thought of something funny Tweeted it Got a laugh I'm done then I tweet less about stuff When everyone's tweeting about it

Like I'll do like one maybe But Not that I'm fucking David O'Doherty doing really surreal alternative comedy I just get I just

I feel overkill with it so I watched a little bit someone else will have tweeted what you've thought yeah I'm also I'm a fan of history and I'm like I'm not a big fan

of the royal family but I appreciate it's part of being British part of being English I think that's Richard Tomlinson's best work personally yeah nailed it

and um what's the second biggest day in history in our life it is it's part yeah but I don't give a fuck about that sort of stuff no but I'm saying

like no it's the yeah in terms of the zeitgeist in terms of like yeah current affairs I don't I would never use a metric

like that to describe something like the queen died remember where you were when she died yeah looking at a tweet of you in an Ikea but I'll always remember that even though i'm not asked what i mean well i left the house i watched it for two hours waiting for her to die and then went to 40 and

then five minutes in the car someone the queen's dead i fucking missed her you just wept she's probably already dead though actually no yeah um this is my bugbear with it. It's important to a lot of people. Why are you telling other people that it's important to them? I get how important she was to some people. Absolutely fine. Enforced grieving is... I hate it. I can't stand it. We're going to shut all of these things,

and you can't do that. I nearly lost my gig in Nantwich, because the council were like, oh, we can't have comedians on. Oh, we can't have comedians on oh we can't have comedians on they might just walk on and say fuck the queen and they're like yeah i think you've seen vittorio angeloni before then amazing for me to book a northern irish catholic you know scoundrel as my support so we've had to have a massive discussion. Finally, the big boss got involved and was like, yeah, common sense won over.

Last night and this morning, that gig was nearly getting cancelled. Are they going to let you have the Warhol song? Yeah, they are because they get that it's, you know. Not real. They get that it's, they're like, cool, on your head be hit. Be hit? So. Be hit.

Yeah, they're going to be hit. That's how Nantwich on the royal chat they were basically like look don't go on and try and upset people that's the middle managers

were like oh you're gonna go on and try and upset me in Nantwich it's been done I I just had to basically go

yeah cool we're not out to upset anyone but it was important that we still got to do our show so the big boss came in and went yeah so we are playing the national anthem and the reason we got away with it is because we were like we did it last weekend and we're going to do it every weekend it's not an fu to but isn't it mad that they're like we've got to shut down every show as a sign of you've got to grieve you're like can you just let people grieve if they want to

and then also i just don't really get it like i don't know how someone who is so detached from normal people normal people can like there's people crying i didn't cry when my mum died i mean that is definitely emotional repression you need to do it soon, yeah. Yeah, that's unhealthy. I've never cried about it and I'm fine. Me and Seneca were saying yesterday, is there anybody outside of your friends and family who could die

and you would feel that emotion for? Young people. Young people dying. Yeah, young people dying who've got robbed of time. That's very sad. I mean, like,

in the public eye. Yeah, famous. Kobe got me. Alan Rickman. Alan's name. Yeah, Alan Rickman. Alan's name. That upset me.

But, I mean, not to the point where I cry. No, but also, he was 60-odd years old, and when young people are killed, and, like, that is, that's heartbreaking, because they've been robbed of like no 96 year old great-grandmother has been robbed of time like you might not like her you met you might hate the royal family i'm a republican essentially but not like she's not been robbed of time like it yeah it's the end of an era if you're a history fan but everyone like crying you're like

hey anyone in this room honestly i wouldn't even take 96 if you offered a history fan but everyone like crying you're like hey anyone in this room honestly i wouldn't even take 96 if you offered me an age to die at now i'd try and haggle you down from 96 i've got a 96 year old granddad his eyelids have stopped working it looks fucking miserable i went around the other week and had to turn his sky back on he didn't even realize it wasn't on oh my god 96 looks depressing as fuck and she was sound she was meeting prime ministers on wednesday she's doing all right like good on her off she goes bye-bye anyone weeping in the streets sort your fucking life out people are gonna die this christmas because there's been like a cost of living crisis a fuel hike it's gonna be fucking brutal and you're weeping about a 96 year old lady

who's had a cracking in innings fuck if he sold one of her hats no one would go hungry this christmas just one of her hats right carl i think you really have the economy of hats a little bit out of place there kid what he means crown oh he's not talking about a fucking cool new york yankees baseball hat it's funnier to say hat she should wear it she was wearing this at a wedding in 2005. Sold one crown. The country wouldn't go hungry. Also, I actually think, wrong,

if they sold the one that she wore to Diana's fucking wedding, I reckon they'd probably get a couple of bill for that. No. What? She's the Queen of England. She was. A queen until last year.

Do you think a hat from a wedding in 1980 is worth two billion? She's the most famous person on the planet. Well, she was. Lads, what are we on about? Where's this going? On eBay? Who's buying a two billion pound hat?

A she. Oh, yeah. Shakes are sat there in fucking Shake Land out in the Middle East. Fucking. I wish I had a 40 year old hat no it's not

I mean you could sell some of the crown estate but it's how much can you get for the at the crown no the at

that she wore to Diana's wedding right how much can you get for that David Dickinson imagine if I had cash out what am I going to do with oh oh

too soon oh too soon I wonder if we're going to have to change all that put Charlie on

yeah yeah I think they should just have his hand my mate's been putting Charlie on cash for years

oh oh I missed me what hey and I roll hey patron's doing

well 20 pounds in my pocket is that Charlie on the back? No it's Winston Churchill Just one of his fingers I think that's his thumb Yeah how much can you get for the hat?

I reckon you probably get Half a million? Nah Are you mad? Are you mad? Do you not know? Hat prices You fucking hat nuns

You probably couldn't get steven gerrard's boots from istanbul for half a mil what what you probably couldn't get steven gerrard boots which scouts which scouts sotheby's have you been going to do you mean well where have you got your antique prices from it's one of the greatest nights in sporting history and he was the catalyst of the turnaround no he wasn't did the Amman one yeah no you don't get to wear them and go back

magically and live the night they're just a pair of fucking Adidas Predator from 2005 yeah yeah yeah yeah correct

I'm telling you right now they're worth at least half a mil the hand of God shirt sold recently the England player took it off him and how much was it

7.1 9.28 million for Maradona's shirt. And you're telling me the Queen's hat's getting half a mil? You're a fucking joker, son. I reckon the Queen's hat from Diana's wedding would be 150 mil. Literally, put it in Google and be the first person to ever type in. The Queen's hat from Diana's wedding.

Oh, my God. How much? And here's Finn typing with his fucking king charles spaniel finger right here we are how much most expensive royal weddings from diana's wedding cost oh here we go the wedding dress was worth 55 million pounds right've made that up. Absolute horseshit. It doesn't say because it's priceless, Stan. No. Priceless just means it's not for sale. Doesn't mean 400 gazillion trillion pounds.

We could end world hunger forever by selling two pairs of fucking Stephen Gerrard's and Queen Liz's socks. Yeah, the coronation crown would cost four and a half million. Just that one crown. That's just what the jewels are worth. Have you seen the African star? That's worth 400 million.

Acorn. Absolutely. That was like a Forbes clickbait. Absolutely. Off the middle of the bat Perfect Sell Sell the hats

Pay everyone's lucky bill Let's start it For me and for you And all the fucking scum We can't heat our bedsit. No, it's the regular people of the country who might not have bedsits. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sell the hat. Sell the hat. Get the hat out. Take it off her. Open up. She's wearing it. It's a fucking funeral. You fucking sorry bitch.

Get that open. Get the hat. World hunger solved. I'm not making any jokes the rest of the episode, by the way. I that open. Get the hat. World hunger solved. I'm not making any jokes for the rest of the episode by the way. I'm not eating that. Fucking beautiful.

Istanbul beautiful. I'll let him just revel in that one. It was great. It was from a clickbait. I'm genuinely in my head. You've seen the African star worth 400 million pounds. Scroll down for ages take off

I'm so tight I just literally looked down and was like where's my 15 quid was there anybody else who you like do you not remember

where you only died it was Michael Jackson I was on the BMX remember that I will be more sad about Robin Williams death than any fucking royal any king

any queen I was in Edinburgh I was in when I found out about Robin Williams' death than any fucking royal, any king, any queen. I was in Edinburgh. I was in, when I found out about Robin Williams, I was in the little courtyard of where I did Big Value. The community project for Justice Hunter.

Where were you? And I got told he had an asphyxia wank. I don't actually remember where I was. I think I was having an asphyxia wank. Yeah,

just in his honour. Oh, that's nice. This one's for you. I remember Michael was. I think I was having an asphyxia wank. Yeah, just in his honour. Oh, that's nice. This one's for you, Rob. I remember Michael Jackson. I remember dying in this funeral when I was little. That's it, really. I reckon Elton John's going to sing at the Queen's funeral. No, he can't do Candle in the Wind again.

He's got to do, like, fucking Rocket Man or something. Yeah. She packed her bag last night, free again. He's got to do like fucking Rocket Man or something. Yeah. She packed her bag last night. He's stepping to Christmas. He's going to write a new song. And I'm going to be high, high, high, high as a kite by then. And just Charles with his fingers playing the piano. He's going to sing at the funeral again, isn't he?

No. No. No. Ah, because of the, you know. Elton John. No, that was actually being rumoured that he's going to do it. Shut up. Why wouldn't he? He's the fucking... Is he just a big funeral fucking...

He's the royal funeral guy, isn't he? He's doing a cover this time, though. He's doing Keep On Moving By Fire. Woke up this baby get on up when you're down come on Liz

greenie take a good look at that get that hat off get the fucking hat watch out for

hat thieves secret service just like fucking I want to know what your way to be buried in yeah probably a truck Secret Service just like fucking I want to know what you'll wear to be buried in yeah probably a trackie

Roma same thing as you wear on the flight innit you'll want to be comfy just a trackie a little parmigian do you happen to get to see it

in the casket we don't do open caskets do we not no we're Church of England thank you for that you know is that a catholic thing yeah

it's a catholic thing yeah what she's not lenin surely we're not doing oh did i say starlin it was lenin wasn't it sorry sorry everybody it was lenin um john it was john lennon it was john lennon john lennon Imagine all the Russians No She's We're not having an open Fuck off You Come on

Like Geri Adiwell Why? What? She's gonna be draped in a royal flag Imagine if she had a dead good sense of humour though right Cause we won't get to see her in the open casket In her will it just says Paint me like a clown

She gets buried like in clown make up She it just says paint me like a clown so she gets buried in clown make up she's just there just looking like the Joker because she seemed like a dry fucker for a long time it would be a weird

do you want to know how I got these jewels that'd be sick speech bubble a dry gloss to show never do it for free is that Al Pacino doing the Joker

I just want to know how you are Batman oh that's Penguin where do you reckon she is now in a morgue I reckon she's somewhere marginal do you reckon

Cuba with Tupac and Biggie this is like imaginings with Scouse children I think she's somewhere mad I think she's at the top of the Eiffel Tower

or something you don't know that she's not prove to me that the Queen's dead body isn't at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe like, she could have written anything in her will

and they've got it on her. So what if she's like, what? They've got to honour anything in her will. Where have you made that up from? Oh, here we are. Adam Rose. Scouse Royal Lot.

That is the fucking fact. She's the Queen. I want everyone to have a nice sausage butty with my son's fingers. Funeral. Get him on the barbie, Charlie. No, but don't wills have to be executed? They have to be like...

What? If you've got a will, doesn't it have to be... Which is where your money goes, isn't it? No. No, it can be anything. You can make demands of your funeral and stuff and you will and they have to honour it.

Yeah, you can design your funeral. Yeah, you can put plans out for your funeral. So what if she's like, look, because I was the queen, I never got to go on a water slide, so put me on it now. Oh, do you reckon she never went on a water slide in her life? I honestly think, how sad is that?

That is so sad. For all the jewels and money and fame, and can do whatever she wants and owns the country, she's never been to Henry. She's never been to Siam Park. She's never been to Henry to Siam She's never been to Siampark. She's never been on a quad bike. No, there's more chance with a quad bike.

I suppose she owns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but she's never, she's never been on Rita Queen of Speed. She'd never gone on Queen of Speed. She'd be like, I'm the queen of speed. She'd be dust she will be dust

when she was younger do you know what I mean she's never been on a water slide she's never been to Alton Towers she might have been to Alton Towers

she might have opened it you don't know she's never had an Orange Lucasade I reckon she probably has when she's hungover oh come on she will have heard

that that's a good hangover cure yeah yeah yeah when do you reckon the last time she was fucking bladdered 1945 no I reckon it was like Phillips Funeral I reckon she sang Dango Overkill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When do you reckon the last time she was fucking bladdered? 1945. No, I reckon it was like Philip's funeral.

I reckon she sang fucking... She got on one. I reckon she went fucking ballistic. She sang Robbie Williams by... Angels by Robbie Williams on karaoke.

Just check the delivery orders to Buckingham Palace the day after that funeral. Yeah. Because you'll know if she's got Burger King at 11.30am. Some Romanian fella

turning up on a fucking scooter. This is for biglies. Got two litres orange Lucasade. Full sugar. Two Whopper. Extra large fries. Mad.

I'd love to know where she went. She must have got twatted the night of his funeral. She wasn't even allowed to sit with anyone. Sad one, eh? Like we all need a drink

when we're grieving. She would have been grieving for the fella. I reckon she got absolutely fucking bingo, that picture. Like, we all need a drink when we're grieving. She would have been grieving for her fella. I reckon she got absolutely fucking bingoed that night. Just me and me kids, Mal.

I don't need no mum. I saw that. Oh, God. She must have got fucking, I reckon, the grief she'd have gone through there

after losing her fella for that long. Like, she wasn't allowed to sit with her kids at the funeral. Back at the palace, they were all fucking hugging and kissing and necking and all that. They've had shots that night, I'm telling you. She's not a 48-year-old woman from Highton.

You know that, though, don't you? You know that? Yeah. He died when she was 95, and you're like, yeah, she's got to get fucking bladders. She has to. She must have got fucking shit-faced. Yeah. Because she's got to look after them kids on her own. to. She must have got fucking shit-faced. Yeah.

Because she's got to look after them kids on her own. My grandad got swatted with my nan dad. Yeah. And he wasn't a 40-year-old woman from Hype, neither. No. Was he not? No. Was he not?

He wasn't a trans plasterer. He was 70-odd, so she's a bit older. She's a bit older. Yeah. She's deaf-o. Deaf-o. Got drunk that night. I reckon she probably had a line. Yeah. On the port, mate. There you She's deaf-o Deaf-o Got drunk that night I reckon she probably had the line Yeah

On the port mate There you go Port Port Suck one of the guards off Rough Anyway I'm grieving

So Yeah If we could just be respectful today Because it's A lot of people upset So the main thing is I get what we've said We've just

Lightly brushed over it but I think we've done a good job of being respectful yeah yeah because you know sometimes we've been known

and have worked to be a little bit heavy handed with stuff like this and not thoughtful but I think we've done a really nice job there just making sure just pulled a few punches there

a lot of people that was lovely it was if anything sometimes it's not about the comedy is it it's about you know just testament to an amazing life proper fucking bingo i love how your head works yeah if you put it in a will it's got to be executed that's the rule of the law i don't know is it think you're allowed to, in a will, to just be like, that goes there, that goes there, that goes there, and you can't be like,

and you've got to sacrifice my dog because I don't want anyone to... No, that's illegal, isn't it? That's pet murder. It's not illegal to put the queen on a water slide. I don't think it is, you know. I don't think there's ever needed to be legislation about that. Do you remember the great water...

the Royal Water Slide Bill of 1802? Yeah. You can't be telling people to kill dogs, but you can be suggesting that people have a really fun day and get... What if she was a Shane Gillies fan and she went down the water, like she just woke up midair?

I'd be putting mad shit into my will, me. Yeah. If it had to be done. What would you put in your will, Carl? Yeah, no one's coming to the funeral. I only want four people. I'm not paying for a fucking spread for cunts that I don't know

after I'm fucking dead. My wedding had two people at it. Me and fucking Suarez. That's not a name, Dom. How many people at your funeral? How many people do you want? I don't know. It's up to me, is it?

I'm going to... No, but you just said you can put it in your will and apparently, Scouse law, it's all fucking... It has to be adhered to. 6,000. I want my funeral. 6,000.

Yeah, I want my funeral to be like... At Tram near Rovers. But I don't want everyone wearing black. Me. Yeah? No black and no traditional suit colours. I want wacky colours. No dogs.

No black suits. Oh, yeah, yeah. Black friends can come. You're poison racist. I would never do that. It dogs. No black suits. Oh, yeah. Any black friends can come. You're poison racist. I would never do that. I'd be racist. It must be so hard, Carl, living with that poison mind.

Awful. Poisoning. Yeah, I want everyone like yellow suits, green suits, red suits. I want them... Didn't we say this last week?

I said white suit. I want everyone to look like... Spice Boys. Yeah, the Spice Boys. Was it 96? I want everyone to just look like fun. I want everyone to look like... Spice Boys. Yeah, the Spice Boys. Was it 96? I want everyone to just look like fun. I want my funeral to look like a good laugh. Right, okay.

I want to die as I live. Do you want to humanize it? What, in pogues? So we're doing it in pogues then? Yeah. Oh, God. I want to go drinking in pogues and teddies so much that I'd be willing to take your death as the reason.

I mean, really, we should just go with we've moved to Liverpool and we're having a night out to celebrate Roncorn oh do you know what is it sadder than the new

I think I think the biggest loss today is the centre of UK podcasting Roncorn it's time

it's time and I am sad that we're leaving because there's good memories in here but I'm also not sad that we're leaving because there's good memories in here, but I'm also not sad that we're leaving and can't wait to leave this festering shithole and this cupboard.

Yeah. So, Runcorn, thank you so much for having us. And I think we dealt with that with a deft touch, didn't we? We say goodbye. Shit here, isn't it? Yeah. It is so sad. Some of the people are lovely.

I'd love to see a montage now of all of them. The highest rated restaurant in runcorn is kfc and that's not always open and it has chicken always the order's always wrong and it's delivered by an old british white couple and it makes me feel insanely sad every time margaret you forgot the dr pepper oh god i know i want to see a montage with like sad music over the wall like you know all like you shitting yourself all the mad shit that's happened in here shitting yourself i'd love that someone make that please that'll make me sad i don't want to make it you see goodbye liz goodbye run corn one of them is more important to me should have a break yeah hello guys we want to talk to you about manscape.com it is the smooth

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Just, that's it. it all right that's all when i got myself a fucking cappuccino bro i didn't know builder's tea minus the sugar tea bag water bit of milk bush hey you know it's early otherwise you'll be on a fucking bonus i haven't had any booners this week. I'm going to have plenty. I'm going to have a few booners tomorrow. And tonight? No. I'm not going to booner tonight. I think Iggy put it on. No, no disrespect. It's booner o'clock.

I'm not going to booner tonight. Am I wrong? No, you should have my booner. I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to have any booners tonight. You're boonering my leg. I won't. I'm not. There'll be no booners tonight, lad.

Why? What's tomorrow? I'm going on a second date booners tonight. You're boonering my leg. I won't. I'm not. There'll be no booners tonight, lad. Why? What's tomorrow? I'm going on a second date tomorrow. I want to be fresh. Booners, vel? I want to be fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're putting a fucking shift in with your dick.

I want to be fresh. Not even a couple of numbers. I want to give a good account of myself. Right. So. It's good. No booners. Because if I booner, I won't stop boonering.

Once you booner, you can't stop boonering. No. There's no such thing as one booner. I have 70 booners? Because if I booner, I won't stop boonering. Once you booner, you can't stop boonering. No. There's no such thing as one booner. I have 70 booners. There is. There's a driving booner. No. I tried that last week.

I tried to have a couple of driving booners. I ended up having 12 booners and had to get someone to drive me because I was boonered. By the way, if you knew a booner, it was a beer. Everyone's like, I don't understand why they're talking about curries like this what's a lid boys have you seen the hatcher lids yeah it's mad isn't it yeah they've stole our thing what i wish i think we i think we own it don't we

i wish people had sent me that picture more because I've never seen the shop Lids all seriousness though what is happening with my words today no but yeah I'm not going to Booner Lids is fucking great and I want them as a sponsor it would stop selling us a picture of the fucking shop also I've been to Lids stood outside and went hey the picture

done have you seen this tomorrow's Booner o'clock if by tomorrow you mean the picture. Done. Have you seen this? Yes. Yeah. Tomorrow's Booner O'Clock. Going Booner and day Booner. If by tomorrow you mean tonight at about 8 o'clock.

See, I'm too competitive. You know I'm going to prove you wrong. That's not competition. That's your own, like, might have a coma tonight. Oh, I told you. Have you had a booner?

Have you had a cocoma? No, that's an alcohol free beer. Yeah, all right. I'm not going to booner. You're all wrong Fucking hell Enjoy the first booner Hi Steve

The Simply Business Manager Yeah we are recording What's the question It will be 1800 quid That's not a question It will be 800 quid Of fucking booners hey

booners they can't booner now we're spending so much money on increased insurance policies I'm so worried about you because this cost of living crisis really hit you hard hasn't it

my booner budget has gone right down that's what you've been calling it the booner budget fuck you Liz Truss what about my booner budget yeah just listen

godspeed any questions about the queen erm who the band James Lott Lunar budget. Yeah. Just listen, Godspeed. Any questions about the Queen? Who? The band? James Lamb. Not James.

Adam Lambert. James Lamb. James Lamb. Adam Lambert. John Ward says, In 40 years, what do you think you'll be most nostalgic about? This. Yeah.

That's really nice. This room as well. Yeah, this. What the the podcast i changed the entire face of uk comedy podcasting that's right chappelle we're fucking massive you'll be dead i'll be on my way out oh no oh you will be dead no you might not be dead he's not seeing 81 come on bruv oh he loves a bo. He's had a coke habit. AZ1. Nah.

Mate, if you keep living in town, you might not see 51. I don't want to see 51. All right. Okay, cool. Why? Why? Come on.

51 is like next year. I'm done, you know. Oh, no. Hang on. If you have a kid in two years. Yeah. Or three years. Yeah.

The kid's 18th birthday, you're dead. Yeah, why? I've raised you. You'll know the ways of the world, son. Go and dominate. Take over the family business. Is this why he's staying fresh for tomorrow? Because it's the mother of his children. Wow, speed dating.

She listens to us. How's your ovaries? She's already moved in. Okay, just before we do questions There's a key There's a key card There's no keys in my building man Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh I can't even get in the room. I've been really good on the no-booners this week. I'm just trying to be a gentleman.

I don't want to turn up a shell of a man. You're great, Ungover. I'm not. I'm great at this, Ungover. This doesn't work on a date, does it? She's like, oh, just think about the queen. I'm like, I think she frigged her fucking Gloucester shit off to death. First question.

Here's the key card. Would you rather lick my ar arsehole You finish it Isabel Ring that When I'm talking shite What did James Ward say? What? What did James Ward say?

He said shut up Carl You fucking person You missed me great Isabel Isabel joke there I said that's not a name What's really funny about that Isabel

Isabel Name's Isabel What's happening Isabel Is he? Imagine if you just is it is. Isabel. Name's Isabel. It's happened to Izzy girl. Oh, Izzy. Yeah. Imagine if you just, as you came, went, Izzy, Izzy, let's get busy. Right in a fucking...

But we've already got busy that one way. Right in a fucking Somerset. John Ward says, in 40 years, what do you think you'll be most nostalgic about? That's what John Ward says. Generally this room. I don't even, like...

Are we doing the honest, really cute answer? It has to be this. Which I'm getting caught. My working dick. Fuck him. My working dick is what answer it has to be this my working dick fucking my working dick is what I'm gonna be good film if it goes

oh I thought about that the other day I was like what if your dick just goes too old now so

Viagra can't do it anymore you have a Viagra and you've got a fucking the best dick you've ever had do you have a Viagra for a wank yeah

if it doesn't work how sad is that? Although I do have... Depends how much you want to cum. Yeah, you're right. It's good. More Ro philosophy.

Was it wanky? What's the secret ingredient? Dan's jizz. We're about to get boonered all over. Yeah, I think some people Viagra to to Spaff yeah

just for it's a pretty sad man that's taking a Viagra for wanking but doesn't Viagra mean it takes you longer to come so isn't that a fucking day and a half

that just keeps it up doesn't it does it it just doesn't go down very sore Willy really yeah

it just afterwards you're like I've had that one I've been with particularly tight women as well you are you say he's a gentleman

yeah gentleman loosen her up tomorrow I will not turn hung turn up hungover let's hope she has a nice loose vagina there's a key card

let me look at your vagina wow massive reassuring multi-story oh look you know there's a second floor on that lift you know when she's a big girl when she's got a lift

I'm never telling use anything sorry Izzy B sorry Izzy Izzy my. Sorry, Izzy. Izzy, my fucking spaffy. That's aftershave. That's why you said it.

Fucking hell, Baz. That's an aftershave. If I hadn't seen such riches, i could live with being poor what what hey dan let me just tell you that's not road assistance you're fucking mad you're mad fucking english can't you all right what are you going to be nostalgic about Daniel? Erm Yes This Do you know

I had a moment Two days ago When I got back from Ireland And we came in here We were all Dog tired For this week's Patreon exclusive And

Exclusive? Your mouth doesn't work sometimes does it? Exclusive You bit your tongue. We had Chris Eubank as a guest, and it was excellent. Stupendous. Stupendous. I just drove back to Lars, and she was like,

God, you're in a good mood. I was knackered. But because of this pod, I've just started my first tour. I got booed at both Belfast and Dublin because you've chosen the national anthem as my walk-on music. Can you imagine if the Queen had died last week, by the way, and you did that in Ireland last week? Oh, they would have been ecstatic.

How mental is it that you've nailed that, you choosing my walk-on music so amazingly, just by fluke? You've made it so it's actually more awkward in Nantwich, Cheshire than it was in Belfast or Dublin. In Belfast or Dublin, you're like, Hey, fuck off! Tonight, it nearly got the gig pulled. I had to speak to the general

manager of the fucking venue and he had to be like, right, okay. And like a knobhead, I'm like, yeah, we're still doing it though, yeah? I had a moment when I was like, we came in here and just had such a fucking good time. Yeah. And my mum died when she was relatively young.

Stop going on about it. People, honestly, at the moment, things are good. Everyone's got their health. We've got some healthy fucking babies. Like, it's everyone's sound. Things are good. And just, you know, life doesn't always work like that. So take that moment to go, and my dick's working.

Yeah. Not that it's got too much, but I'd be really sad if that was like... How many stiffies could you get in one day? Me? Yeah. I can have a try-a-wank Monday. I can have a try...

A triple wank Is me Done then Three finishes Finish? Finishes? Yeah Who has a wank to not I'm saying you might not get there You've never given up halfway through a wank

No I'm not saying that But I'm asking you if three finishes When I sit here as a man in front of you And tell you I can have three wanks a day It's not two and a half wanks because I'd say I'm like yeah regularly

I have two no I can't finish the third but I start anyway because I tell you what I'm a fucking shriyer I've started so I'll finish the only time as I've ever started

anything sexual and not finished is because of some sort of intoxicant rather when you try and masturbate drunk, it's such a fucking effort, innit? You're like, rawr. I don't

masturbate drunk, but hungover, I'm a fucking soldier, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, it's different, because it's all the, the brew is drooping it, the testosterone is reduced when the alcohol's in the system. As it leaves, you get a flood of testosterone. Is that what it is? Because I've always been hangover horny, mate.

I fuck on a hangover. Yeah. My mate Ed thought it was because your body thought you were dying. I think I might have repeated this. This might be a repeat. But his theory was your body's dying. Your body thinks you're dying because of the hangover. So it's like you need to get all of this jizz out there

and reproduce before you die. But it's not that. It's just a chemical thing. I'm a needy bastard on a hangover, mate. I need a cuddle and a fuck. All right. In with that order. And then back again and again.

Repeat. And the same person, not two different people. Yeah. You don't go around your Auntie June's and like, come on, give us a nice fuck, and I'm going to fuck something down this road. So, all right so right thanks love you i see you christmas um yeah i know you mean yeah yeah but drunk trying to wank drunk yeah awful

what would you be nostalgic about i've started singing drunk okay okay we know i know because i've seen it live yeah if i'm drunk'll pop music on and sing along. It's worth it, Bev. It's awful. I bet it's good music, isn't it? I bet it's dead good music. I'm south to the land of the pines. I'm thumbing my way in a North Carolina. Staring at the road and praying to God. Oh!

I've got a Patreon special. Is it country music? Is it Nashville? It's again. Oh! I've got a Patreon special. Is it country music? Is it Nashville? It's Nashville. Oh! Okay. I'll do that. Can we do Nashville?

I know I'll go and see Luke Combs. You're going to go and see Erasure with Baddie Dodds. And that'll be much worse. Luke Combs is good. You do like some of his stuff. I've listened to some of his stuff. And you don't hate it. I don't hate all of his stuff.

Yeah. I can. I absolutely can. And you don't hate it. I don't hate all of his stuff. Yeah. I can. I absolutely can. But I can't just yet. And I want to go when there's the NFL on. And next season... It's next year.

Yeah, but we're both on tour when the NFL's on next year. Yeah, poor. We can just have a week off. Yeah. Can we have a Nashville tour? Oh my God. I'll have a word stand up

doubleheader Nashville in Nashville playing too why are we doing meetings on the board 48 people doing meetings because they love it

I want to do I want to do our smallest ever live show in Nashville we'll do a stand up show doubleheader me and you oh my god yes

yes and then go and see Luke Combs. On Bourbon Street? No, not Bourbon Street. That's New Orleans, isn't it? What's it called? Nashville. Coronation Street.

Will, don't look at me like that. You have the internet. See that big square thing in front of you? That's a computer. Take that big fucking finger. Albert Square. It's Albert Square. It's Albert Square.

Ramsey Street. No, that's from Neighbours. That's the Australian sitcom Neighbours. Hollyoaks. Sitcom? Just Hollyoaks. What? Broadway.

Is it called Broadway? You make honky tonk. We're playing Broadway. Four. The Honky Tonk Highway. It's called Honky Tonk. Luke Combs has got a song called Honky Tonk Highway. Luke fucking Combs, who I don't know and already hate.

Yeah, he's opening for us. He's fucking sick, you know? And it's a stadium. It'd be sick. Look, Combs. Yeah. Hollyoaks. Sick.

But also, it's known as the Mecca of country music. Oh, let's go. Country music. I'd rather go to Mecca. Bingo. I'd rather go to the Mecca ofingo. I'd rather go to the Mecca. They're all sick little dive bars, though. There's like one beer on draft,

and there's a vodka and a whiskey, and that's it. How sick's that? Sounds like the Broadway. The Broadway, not Broadway. I can't wait for us to try and book a venue. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in. I'm 100% in. And I want to go and watch the Tennessee Titans as well.

And you're also going to see them in Manchester as well. You don't get a choice. I'm not paying. I went down on a honky-tonk having you to see too. We're going with a girl I've never met who I know from Instagram. We've become friends. Who am I going with? What?

We're going with Aaron, someone else. I've gone on a double date to a- It's not a date. It's not a date. It's totally persona. She's a musician she's the only other country music fan

in the whole of Liverpool you're bringing some fucking Instagram DM to Nashville no I'm taking him to Manchester as well I'm going to see him

at least three times I guess I've seen him twice oh to the fucking oh to see Combsy Combs oh to see the the comb over comb over here

England I'm going to watch you there as well. Comb over here. No, stay on the stage. And I'm also going with Lewis Calvert to see him in Dublin. Oh, the fucking four combsies. The three combs. Manchester, Dublin, Nashville.

The Holy Trinity. The famous. It's the treble. It's the treble. Manchester, Dublin, Nashville. Places you never associate. Unless you're Adam Rowe I've dreamed of this since

2020 I have dreamed of watching my hero since I got into him in April fucking Combsy life complete Luke Combs, what's his biggest banger? love next to a dustbin.

Prolapse Sally. I love Prolapse Sally. Prolapse Sally! He's got one out. So his newest album. Check your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soil jeans.

His newest album has just come out. Oh, shit. I'll check my phone. No, because I know my favourite songs of his. Yeah, yeah,il jeans His newest album Has just come out Oh shit I'll check my phone No Because I know My favourite songs of his Yeah yeah yeah Prolapse Sally

No Scarecrow Clit Oh mate I love Scarecrow Clit So his number one On Spotify at the minute Is off his new album It's called The Kind of Love We Make

Oh yeah yeah yeah And the second one I've got a sore arse One of my favourites Is called When It Rains It Pours But it's like a flip on the traditional. It's about this bird leaving him

and his life gets better. It helped me in January. I also love his, I'm just checking it now on my phone. Then I won a hundred bucks on a scratch off ticket bought two twelve packs and a tank of gas with it.

She swore they were a waste of gas with it she swore they were a waste of time oh but she was wrong have you also heard my bitch I was calling number five on a radio station

one of four days what song was it beach vacation deep sea seniority fishing down in Panama I like that

and I ain't gotta see my ex future mother-in-law anymore is he playing the oh when it rains it pours down in Panama and I ain't gotta see my ex-future modern law anymore I've got flashbacks to driving to Sheffield Is he playing the Queen's funeral? No, that's Elton John

Do you not think they should book him? No. I think Prolapse, Sally and Godot really would He's actually fantastic and his lyrics really speak to people oh do they speak to you it's your life isn't it well i got lost in kentucky that's mad i would get lost in kentucky i've never been i would have no idea of where i was in k. That fucking speaks to me there, Colby. Colby.

For the oak. Calm over. All right, we've got a wet carpet. Track five. Track five. Christ almighty. oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh aren't we yeah we're having American booners 100% I think we've got the gig you're dying to do because I think we've got this show

that's nice it's exciting isn't it yeah doing the last minute gig that only you can come to because it was yesterday Janet says Janet

no she's actually one of our very very long term lids OG Patreon what a girl pride of the wirral

eyelids my daughter Steph is turning 18 At the end of September Get to us Oh my god Janet's Janet's attractive

Is she? Yeah she But I'm old aren't I? No No offense Janet You've got an 18 year old daughter Doesn't matter Janet's my choice

One What one piece of life advice Would you give her At 18 And what advice would you give her at 18 and what advice would you go back and give your 18 year old selves if you could

it's very don't fall in love too young track 7 it is isn't it I think it's I think because of how important the news was today yesterday

it's made me contemplative introspective you're looking inside I'm looking inside you're an arsehole I'm not an arsehole I'm right in my

Gloucestershire turning 18 at the oh my god don't fall in love too young experiment with women

and men is that the advice you'd give yourself at 18 no this is a woman all right right yeah yeah oh so you're saying les off but yeah yeah i think every woman should les off at some point just to try it god you're so liberal like that and that's because you're you're incredibly i don't understand how anyone could choose a dick over pussy track nine i mean adam comes out with all Track 9 I mean

Adam comes out with I could just keep saying track numbers And it would still be funny I don't know How anyone could choose A dick over pussy Lot We're going to Sheffield again

Stick it on Track 9 Pussy Pussy How'd you go And choose a dick over pussy? Thank you, Nashville. Good night. What about if you're an 18-year-old lad?

Would you say, just knock someone off, see what's going on? Say, be true to yourself. And when you meet a woman who's ready, you'll know. Yeah, because she'll have said yes. Basically, it's a long-winded way of saying get consent. No, I mean marriage. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get cavity wall insulation when the government initiative comes up the first time because you'll regret it when it does. Especially with the cost of living. That's what I have to say to me. Steph, get solar panels. Imagine how batshit that would be. Old Carl visiting 18-year-old Carl. Lad, lad, insulate your fucking house.

You think it'll come back again? But old me, old me with a lovely beard and exactly the same hair. I'd tell 18-year-old me. 18-year-old Carl didn't have a beard? No. Yeah, that's what I said. Oh.

That was young Carl looking up. I'd literally say. By the way, 18-year-old Carl is going to be pretty pleased with how this turns out. That's what I'm saying. Because he's a goofy-looking cunt and you look pretty sad. That we we've both enjoyed the passage of time yeah yeah but my mid-20s were a bit like oh shit i went back to uni i left uni i was a bit up

in the air i'd go back and go just do it the same just don't fuck around with credit cards and and like i don't know credit cards is one. I've never done that. You've never done that either, have you? Probably give ketamine a miss. It's definitely poison.

Yeah. It's more tranquiliser, isn't it? It's not meant for us. It's meant for horses. Horses, yeah, it is, yeah. For the same reason, don't drink milk.

That's for cows, that. Have a dairy alternative. It's great advice, isn't it? No dairy, no ketamine. That's good advice, isn't it? No dairy, no ketamine That's good advice No dogs No dairy Track 11

No dairy, no ketamine, no dogs It was a fucking rough pub For a wedding reception For a white wedding That's why I call it My brown top wedding You like Tennessee whiskey That's a banger

Chris Stapleton I also like Walking in Memphis The song Do you really? The start of it is fucking Oh the start of that song Gets me all tickled Put on me blue suede shoes

And I Bought it on the train Train Train Train I got on the train. Train. Train. Twins, what are you going? I thought it was train. Plane.

Touchdown. You don't board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you board a train? You don't. You get on it. Get on the train. Liverpool, Lime Street Station, get on the train. Get on the train.

It's about to go dead fast on the metal lines. First place, we don't fucking move anymore It's fucking Roncorn I've said to him What you get on And what you get in You know what I mean It's anything you step onto

Isn't it That's the getting on You don't get on your car Do you You get in your car Yeah You get on the train Don't get in a skateboard

Excuse me You get on the train You definitely get on the train Yeah Cool You don't get in the train You don't get in the shite You get on the shite Don't you Yeah a skateboard. Excuse me. You get on the train. You definitely get on a train. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Don't say I'm in the train. You don't get in the shite, you get on the shite, don't you?

Yeah, that's a good point. Get in a plane. I'm just getting in the plane. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds mental. But if it was a small plane. Sounds like you've got your own plane. Exactly.

If it was a small plane you didn't walk onto, you would be getting in the plane. Skateboard. You get on a skateboard. You don't get in it. You don't get in your missus, you get on her. What?

Both. Yeah. Feelproof. Interesting. But you had to start a walk in Memphis, really does something to me. Oh, man. You don't get in your missus You get on her What? Both Yeah It's foolproof Interesting But you had to start a walk in Memphis Really does something to me Oh man No the music

Oh man Is there an interlude at the start? There's an interlude Not interlude Because that's the middle Who's it by? Who's it by? Shea

Chris Oh It's a fucking tune It's by Shea No it's not, you fanny. She covered it. Where I'm walking in Memphis. Mark Cohen.

Mark Cohen. Mark Cohen. Chris Stapleton was Tennessee. Leonard Cohen. I'm walking with my feet ten feet off. So you used to like country music. You're not giving it a chance. Yeah, that is a bit of a...

That's a rhyme, though, isn't it? I think that's one of my... I'm the gambler. Rhymer. That's a mum song for me. I rhyme I don't want to hear I think that's one of my I sound like a mum I'm the gambler Rhymer That's a mum song for me I remember My mum enjoying That song

Yeah And it makes me all like It's early 90s Any Whitney song does that for me And Dreams by Gabrielle And also Uncle Cracker Follow me What's Uncle Cracker?

Follow me And everything is alright Banger I'll be the one To tuck you in at night and if you want to leave I can guarantee you won't find

nobody else like me. I don't worry about the way you work just as long as no one knows and nobody can care. Adam I think you are past your singing quota for this episode. You don't look ashamed of me.

Uncle Cracker. White dude. Right. Where the fuck was I for Uncle Cracker? Well, I'm walking in Memphis. Do you like The Gambler? You got no way to hold up. No way to hold up.

Bagger. Kenny Rogers. Yeah. Shall we break and get our guest in? My mum hated it though. Do you want to sing any more? No, I hold her. No way to hold her. Banger. Kenny Rogers. Yeah. Shall we break and get our guest in? My mum hated it though. Do you want to sing anymore? No, I haven't done. Oh, it's nice though.

I'll sing with Joanne. I don't think she's come to sing, has she? Joanne loves a little sing, hasn't she? Oh, I'm fonging on Joanne. All right. I think this is quite a good impression of Joanne. Oh, you'll find out. But I don't think I'm going to do to her face.

Why don't you give her a go? Her and Johnny Lynn would be quite something to see, just that conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Silky tones. Someone told me to get my mummy milkers out in Dublin. Talking about the old topless traveller thing.

Get your mummy milkers out. She said it was such a story, I fucking did. Let's have a break. Break time. Break time. Aye, we both love them. Do you know, because sometimes i dress myself badly yeah and you remind me of that constantly like what are you wearing lad if you go to stitch

fix someone a stylist does it for you it's like having your own personal shopper to go out online they know what you like they know what size you are you pay 10 pound every time you order that's credited towards the items you keep and they send you five items if you keep all five you're 20 off basically get an item free you look well better yeah the stuff you keep and they send you five items if you keep all five you're 20% off basically you get an item for free you look well better yeah

the stuff you're wearing at the minute you know I don't like it and you should absolutely use Stitch Fix to upgrade especially ahead of the

winter months it's cuffing season I like what cuffing season is just like the seasons are changing they are you need some new clobber if you threw all your

autumn and winter stuff out at the end of last year what are you going to wear? You're going to wear a short on Christmas Day, can't you? I don't think so. Get started today at stitchfix.co.uk slash word and get 20% off when you keep all five items. That's stitchfix.co.uk slash word for 20% off

when you keep all how many? Five items. stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word. What a wonderful atmosphere of joy and positivity in this room. Joanne McNally's here. Thanks for coming in. How are we? I'm good.

How are you? I'm all right, yeah. Feels weird to ask someone how they are when you've been talking to them for 45 minutes before you start recording. I've never known us be quite so time constricted and enjoy the chat before we get recording so much. Like, listen, Joanne's busy. She's got to go. She's got a big show. We're like, cool. We'll just talk for 45 minutes. I know. quite so time constricted and enjoy the chat before we get recording so much like listen

Joanne's busy she's got to go she's got a big show we're like cool we'll just talk for 45 minutes I know we had a couple of things to get off our chest

oh we did yeah get off our chest but not put on the internet not put on no careers to worry about can't be can't be making inappropriate jokes

careers to worry about oh the first section of this Liverpool tonight Liverpool tonight the playhouse yeah thank god to worry about? Oh, the first section of this. Liverpool tonight? Liverpool tonight. The Playhouse? Yeah, thank God. I've only ever been to one show and I went to see Daniel Kitson there.

Oh yeah, I've never seen him. It is fantastic. Is it? Yeah, but it's in a quiet taste. But it is fantastic. You'd like it as a comma. Isn't he really low profile? Like no one knows what he looks like.

He's like Enya. We saw him. I've been it as a comic. But isn't he really low profile? Like no one knows what he looks like. He's like Enya. We saw him. Isn't that true? I've been to see him live. Yeah. I've seen his face. He was there. He doesn't do Insta.

He doesn't whore himself out like we do. No, no, no. He's got his main in list. But his video is on YouTube and that. He's in Phoenix Knights. He's in Phoenix Knights. He's not like the masked magician from ITV in the 90s. The masked comedian.

To be fair, he started wearing a black and blonde wig over his eyes. That's Kitson. Yeah. I see, yeah. He's a cartoon.

He's like Gorillaz, the band. Because I wonder sometimes would it be nicer to do it without any, without having to like whore yourself. Yeah. Like what I'm doing now.

Yeah. It absolutely would be better to do it that way. Do you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this your first major tour that you're on right now first major yeah well yeah and you're already thinking about scaling it back and becoming a hermit

i'm just thinking i actually don't mind it i like doing all the instagram and i do actually enjoy it but then i do wonder sometimes it's it's quite cool to be able to do it all without any of that a hundred percent yeah but of course like you you know what i was like towards the end of my tour i did 78 dates at the end of my tour and i felt oh my god i'm exhausted that was too long and i've done enough yeah she did 60 nights just in dublin yeah yeah she's showing off joan did you go to did you do anything in dublin i did i did two nights at wheeland's did you yeah i just did i you do anything in Dublin? I did. I did two nights at Whelan's. Did you? I just did Whelan's on Sunday.

Did you? Amazing. No way. How did it go? One of the best nights of the tour. Yeah. Any women there at all? Was it all just dick, dick, dick?

What the fuck are you insinuating? Our audience is very evenly split. 70-50. Women. No, Whelan's is a gay club, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I just assumed it was a gay club. We've got a lot of female fans,

you know. Just because we only hire white men. Oh, you'd be blown away by the diversity of our Twitter mentions. It's just all the etch-a-sketch of like the dicks

with the semen coming out of the back. Vicky Patterson drew that. Did she indeed? Yes, that's why it's signed Vicky. And she is a woman. She's doing well.

She is. We've got Mother Teresa on the wall. She was a big fan. R.I.P. Do you know, apparently she was very, very cruel. Did you hear about that? Cruel? Yeah.

What? Very mean, Mother Teresa. As in like... Apparently, like, it's all a big con. She wasn't the woman we think she was. Genuinely, that's true. Google it. Did you hear that?

Yeah. She wasn't even a mother. She's like Ellen DeGeneres. Apparently she was a bit of an asshole. She's just starved the orphans. Look, I don't know. I don't know that to be honest. No, to be fair, she invented keto.

That's how she... That's how she looked at it. Allegedly. She was like... No, it's not alleged. I've heard this. This is a stone cold fact. It is.

I'm telling you now. If any orphans ever got on his line, she used to boot them in the face. She used to boot them And feed them Huel Yeah Sorry what? Huel The grill

Huel is the Do you know Huel? It's like the protein only Yeah Do you know that one Dan? I thought you just had a little Apparently she was very controversial Yeah she was controversial

She's basically Whitewashed her past So we think she's Same but she's not Yeah yeah She had a good publicist Very good publicist A really good publicist

but she was notoriously a gobshite do you know that that's true yeah yeah he does know that's true he's just like

slagging people off what you've done there is you've opened Adam's favourite thing of like yeah she was a fucking gobshite no she used to do

the thing you know like the Rolling Stones would be like don't put any blue M&M's in me thing she'd do the same thing and if she turned up and there was one, she would literally start eating them and spitting them at the staff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure she was starving, kids. Don't quote me on it, but there was something I was. She would eat in front of them, though. She's like, do you want to take each other's left? Fuck you, John. I heard if she ever went to a pub and someone had put 50p down for the next game of pool, she'd fucking had it.

50p? She was saying the shark. No, it was saying the shark No it was a while ago It was a while ago Yeah yeah Sometimes I go down Google hells You go into insta hells And you're

You do end up Kind of getting caught up In a conspiracy theory So maybe it was one of those No no no I've heard this On good authority Yes

Do you have Do you any Do any of you Like do you fact check Or anything Yeah we're going to do All of the good authority We're going to do that right now.

Just Google Mother Teresa M&M's spot at assistant runner. Orphans. Runner for what? What was she running for? Google the real Mother Teresa. No, she did Letterman back in the day, didn't she?

The problem with Mother Teresa. There you go. Criticism. No, she went on Letterman back in the day and apparently she was a gobshater, David Letterman. She called him a stupid old white cunt. Yeah, she was kicked off Love Island. What else was she doing?

Read it out there. Oh, apparently she was a flawed fanatic fundamentalist. Yeah, there was many, many, many people who believe she was actually the mastermind behind 9-11. That was what I read. That's what it was. She was whispering in Osama's ears in the early days. Just double check when she died.

The early 90s it was. Yeah, yeah. So back then she was like, I've got an idea. Long game. He waited 10 years to sort it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. She died.

Not many people know that. 97, so she put the wheels in motion. Yeah, four years later. Took four years to get them all to land on the flight planes. She died in 97. I remember Elton John singing at her funeral, actually. Do you remember it? Yeah.

Pretty sure. He does all the funerals, Elton John. I know. All the funerals. If someone was going to sing at your funeral, who would you want them to be? Ah! Who's going to sing them?

What are they singing? Maybe, I mean, I'd get maybe Bono. Yeah. Or Michael Bublé. Oh, come mean, I'd get maybe Bono. Yeah. Or Michael Bublé. Oh, come on. Or a duet with both of them. Kasabian. This is quite a wide range of vocals.

I'm going to have a day. I'm getting cremated. I'll go Nelly. It's getting hot in here. That's what. Smashing it out. I'm doing gags while I die. I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid of death Alright cool You're already dead When the song comes out Exactly Would you not have that one While you're dead Would you actually get cremated

Yeah yeah yeah No I want a Glorious burial mate So do I I want If somewhere they feel obligated They have to come back to You can bury the ashes

You're not getting away With not visiting me I need to No I want a headstone The size of like The main stand at Anfield In Crocky Park Like the Hoover Dam Yeah Says Arthur Rotobot No, I want a headstone the size of the main stand at Anfield. In Crocky Park.

Like the Hoover Dam. Says Arthur Rotobot. I'd be fucking sick though, wouldn't I? You two would be a right pair of fucking painful zombies. I just don't want to come back as a zombie. Why? I want to be gone, burnt, dust. Yeah. Honestly.

Unless you came back as a zombie, but you are Ash, though. I want you just... Yeah, it doesn't work Have you seen the videos They're so full I watch them sometimes When I'm not Googling all that

Mother Teresa weird shit Where people Throw ashes into the wind And they blow back Onto the whole family There's like a series of them Yeah They take the urn

Down to the beach And it's very funny I want my ashes Scattered in this room Whatever That's nice Because we're giving it back I've read stories

About people Snorting their mums Yeah On this podcast Last week scattered in this room. Whatever. That's nice. Because we're giving it back. I've read stories about people snorting their mums. Oh, on this podcast? Last week we talked about it. No way. Someone accidentally snorted Nana. Yeah.

Or their auntie or something. Someone accidentally snorted but then other people intentionally snorted them and there was another woman I read. It was like Woman's Day magazine.

I put my granddad up my arse. Yeah, you chaffed. He was alive though. He was alive. I put my granddad up my arse. Alive. Go on, granddad. I know what my arse Alive Yeah Go on grandad I know what you

You dying wish Go on fella His dying wish was to be bum dropped He wants to bum me Alright He never been with a man Dying wish Let me bum you

It was in his will And you can't go against him Stick me up your arse When are you going to write your will Dan? He won. When are you going to write your will, Dan? He won't. When are you going to write your will? I reckon he's got one. I'm 41, guys.

I'm not that old. And it seemed to me... Get Elton ready for the fucking funeral. Yeah, but you're meant to write it just in case you could get it by a bus tomorrow. You're getting nothing. Finn's getting a lot. Have you got a will?

No. Someone was only saying it to me the other day. No, I don't have a will. No. You got a house? No. You don't need a will until you got a house Yeah that's what I was thinking

I have a lot of shit I've got a lot of trainers though Yeah me too Who gets them? Me Right I'm a size 8 You're a size 9

I sell them all Sue Ryder What? Who gets all those trainers? Yeah Sue Ryder That's a random one isn't it? It's the Sue Ryder Foundation Yeah not actual Sue Ryder

She's a big sneaker fan She's got these fucking webs for you, Sue. Yeah. She's dead as well, I'd say, is she? Is she? I'd say so. I thought she was... No, she retired last week, didn't she?

I think she just retired from Wimbledon, didn't she? Oh, sorry. Do you mean Sue Barker? Oh, yeah, I'm thinking of Sue Barker. Oh, so am I. So was I. It was Sue Ryder. Sue Ryder's the one who owns the second Sue Ryder Foundation Their charity shop

I don't know Sue Can I put my hand up I thought it was Sue Barker That ran that foundation No it's Sue Ryder Alright well I want to give All Adam's shoes To Sue Barker

Sue Barker She's the one who was talking She used to go out With Cliff Richard Yeah yeah And she was giving out Because he won't stop Talking about it

It was like 80 years ago Or something I don't think they ever Even rode I don't think they ever Consummated the relationship No they did Are you sure?

There's a sex tape Yeah Shut up See you barking and Cliff Richard Riders scouting around the bed Waiting to attack And he used to make her bark That's where she got the name from

Real say her name's Johnson Cliff Richard his name is as well I reckon Cliff was trying to use her as a beard That's what I'm thinking You what? Cliff was trying to use her as a beard Oh is that what I'm thinking. You what? Cliff was trying to use her as a beard.

Oh, is that a thing that gay men do? You mean like Elton John with his wife? Elton John with a beard, yeah. Exactly. Do you reckon Cliff... See, I reckon there's

a lot of suspicion around Cliff Richard and I enjoy it. Like we were talking the other week. Oh, Mother Teresa's in the bin but Cliff Richard, you're going to...

You were Cliff Richard's denier. Do you know what it is? You know when like the Operation U3 stuff happened and they were interviewing all these old celebrities about nonsense and they literally went to Cliff Richard and was like, know what it is you know when like the Operation U3 stuff happened and they were interviewing all these old celebrities about nonsense and they literally

went to Cliff Richard and was like come on Cliff it's time they had no evidence but they still sort of tried to like just have a little

go with and I think he just got like interviewed and investigated and they went oh yeah you've done nothing wrong and I think it's the

gay thing with him as well I reckon Cliff Richard has smashed some like he's he's a ladies man I reckon I just don't think Cliff is a ladies man I reckon Cliff Richard has smashed some... Like, he's a ladies' man. I just don't think Cliff is a ladies' man.

I reckon. No. I reckon he's doing that thing, you know, where, like, men act effeminate and a bit gay so that women are like, oh, I could turn him, and then he just fucks everything. I think he's old-school showbiz gay man who kind of kept it to themselves their whole career, and he's like, well, I'm not coming...

Like, Louis Walsh. What? I know! Louis won't come out in Ireland. I think his rule is that until his mother passes away, he doesn't want to come out. So the papers just respect it

and they don't say anything. So he just creeps over the boy bands. I think... I love the idea, though, that you've heard about that, but his mum hasn't. Yeah, 100%. Stop it, this man.

I think he's actually publicly said it. So maybe his mother has passed away. I don't know. I'm always accusing people of being dead who aren't dead.

Let's have a game of who's dead. It's my favourite game. Dead or alive, dead or alive, dead or alive. I love stuff like that little rumours.

I've definitely told you this story before. My little brother came home from school one day and he was like have you heard by the way Jay, you know when they filmed the Umbrella

music video for Rihanna Jay-Z shagged Rihanna but Beyonce doesn't know and I was like what a year by the way jay you know when they filmed the umbrella music video for rihanna jay-z shagged rihanna but beyonce doesn't know and i was like but a year nine kid in liverpool has found out it hasn't quite made it to his fucking wife just keep this to yourself because if b hears about this i love a good rammer yeah what's your have you got like a favorite one i'm trying to think i'm trying to think is that there's a lot there was a load of rumors going around ireland but they won't mean Anything to you Like one of our One of the singers

From this band Apparently was riding Our Taoiseach You what? The Prime Minister Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Who's gay And then they were Accusing him of riding This lad who was in a band Like all this stuff To the point where Your man had to come out

And be like I'm not riding It was like It was a similar thing Over there I thought Mutia Buena Was shagging david cameron for a while who muccia buena from the sugar babes you honestly made that sound like a kinder chocolate bar have you tried the muccia bueno yeah i'll fucking love the muccia better

yeah yeah i'd love a good rumor like that now jerry halliwell was getting rimmed by tony blair Mucha Beno Mucha People talk about that All the time Yeah yeah Mucha I'd love a good Ramer like that now Jerry Halliwell Was getting rimmed By Tony Blair For a while I think that is true

Yeah Jerry Halliwell Used to make it Wear the British flag Adam if you want This podcast to grow You need to finger Liz Truss

Come on Bang the Prime Minister For us I would bang Any female Prime Minister Just to have the story I've told you this before Like anything

Like what would make The better story In five years time Power is attractive any female prime minister just to have the story? I've told you this before. Like anything, like what would make the better story in five years time? Power is attractive. Look at Boris fucking cleaning up. What do you think Boris Johnson?

Of course it was. Oh, Joanne. Why is everyone fucking Tories? I respect the honesty. I don't want to shag a Tory. I want to shag

whoever's got the most power. I've told you. Imagine. Powerful women turn me on. I'd be booked for dancing on ice. I'd be huge. Exactly. I'd be everywhere. Whatful women turn me on. I'd be booked for dancing on ice. I'd be huge. Exactly. I'd be everywhere.

What about King Charles? I'd do Celebrity Jungle. Would you ever go King Charles? Ah, yeah. Yeah. Power. I'm so glad to have you in. Do you know what?

I wouldn't wank him off, but that's a political statement on my part. Jack, can we show you his fingers though? Can we show you his fingers? Have you seen Prince Charles' fingers? No. Oh, you will not be touching.

King Charles Spaniel III. They would do damage to the most experienced of women. He's got diabetes in his hands. Does he? Something's wrong. He looks like he's been rubbing crabfish on his fingers. He's probably got gout. Most kings get gout.

Oh, that's gout. Yeah, but he's only just become a king. That's gout, yeah, but he's been living on the merlot and the fucking breeze. I love, that's so Irish. I know gout. That's fucking gout Yeah but he's only just Become a king That's gout yeah But he's been living On the merlot And the fucking breeze I love That's so Irish I know gout

That's fucking I can see gout From about 500 yards away I know an alcohol induced illness When I see it And that is for sure Look at the ring Oh my god

Where's he gonna get that off He's not gonna go Did you know they all Have to kiss his hands now They'll be there years Getting around the sides of them God love him They look sore don don't they?

They look like they suck, though. Carl, that's the opposite of what they look like. That's too much brie. That's too much rich food. Get on the keto. Speak to Mother Teresa. Speak to Mother Teresa. You fat-handed twat.

I reckon we should get a picture of his hands in the studio. Oh, 100%. You want to look at that three times a week? The King sounds... Oh, yeah. I just forgot you were recording an extra episode or something. No, he's going to be in even more, isn't he?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A jobster, isn't he? How many three times a week? Their hours are going up. Well, you're thinking, you know, that's it all. Expect more. How many podcasts do you do a week? How many?

We're rocking two. Your podcast is called My Therapist Ghosted Me for any of our listeners who are unacquainted. It's a fucking beast. It's a mega one. Do you know what's nice, Joanne?

You get mentioned when people congratulate me and Adam on our success. How? As the people who were like, wow, look at what podcasting can do.

Oh, yeah. Like, because you've... It's mad, isn't it? How long have you been doing it? We started doing it During lockdown So maybe A year and a half

Something like that I'm not good with time And it is It's massive And where does the title Come from So the title came from My therapist

Did gouse me So during lockdown Can I have a water please Finn I was seeing this guy Not Sorry I was seeing this therapist Because I'd stopped seeing this guy And had to go out with a therapist

and then lockdown happened and he just burnt me. So, and I was really confused because I really liked him. I thought he was really good but he just burnt me and then he was like,

look, I just think you're better off seeing someone else. So I went to him because I was, I was very sad over a breakup and then he fucking broke up with me. But he didn't really because he just stopped taking my calls. I'm like, I'm not that mental.

Do you know what I mean? I was like, what did I say? So I've had a couple of therapists, and I've noticed that they won't chase you. I think it must be like a professional thing where if you go to them, they're like, cool, we'll set up a session or whatever, and that's fine. If you forget to ring them and arrange something, they won't call.

They're like a carpet company going, hey, we want to finish that. Like they won't come back and try and organize it. Mine have. I've had one. They vary in their behaviors, but I have had ones that are like, do you want to book in next week? Do you want to book in next week? But I've also been to therapists where I can hear them like trying to not roll their eyes

because you're just bringing them the same problems every week and you're not doing anything to fix it I don't know how they do it I would hate to do that job but that's dead cautious

like if anyone ever if I went to therapy and he rolled me eyes I'd be like Keith what's going on here lad this is you literally you can kind of hear them

trying not to yawn and stuff but I you can see it in their head when they're like, oh, I'm having for tea. I'd call them outside. I'd be like, lad,

stop thinking about your fucking dinner and tell me about me ma, do you? Sorry, John. Me what? Me ma. Me ma. I forgot about that. She's dead.

No. Hey, we've got the dead ma club. I've got a dead dad, don't worry about it. Oh, yeah. Dead parents. Maybe me too. Yeah, you've got no idea. I don't know

Why Your dad could be in prison He could Where is he Spain Oh I thought you were like Adopted or something

The way you were going on He's just on holidays in Spain Never came off holiday Never came off So he just elected to Spain No I was conceived in Spain So you were conceived in Spain Oh okay

Your dad's Spanish He is yeah Okay You were conceived in Spain Your mum came home And you never met him No So he could be dead Spain oh okay your dad's Spanish he is yeah okay you were conceived in Spain your mum came home and you don't know and you never met him no no so he could be dead he could also be yeah but ours are definitely dead

yours just might be dead now he's Schrodinger's dad isn't he if you've not been to your dad's if Elton John's not definitely sung at your dad's funeral Is he even dead? It could be Elton John You couldn't Because he's not Spanish And I think your mum Would have broke the news You have to be pretty pissed In Benidorm To fuck Elton John

And go That good looking Spanish guy Is really giving it to me I was a one night beard In Benidorm I think it's good I think it's a It's good character

It grows your character To only have one parent Oh absolutely It does Of course it does Yeah as long as you just Use that anger And fury and sadness

And just ball it up And use it as energy You become a comic Exactly Yeah Suddenly you're an adult woman Wearing a jumpsuit on stage That's what happens

Do you wear the jumpsuits on stage? Yeah I'd love to wear That little fucking boy In a jumpsuit on stage I would love'd love to wear A little fucking boiler suit On stage I would love to see you Wear a jumpsuit

You're so suggestible It's fucking brilliant No but like Chappelle's done it hasn't he He wears those boiler suits Doesn't he He's also a cool Exactly

I can't do that No you can't I'm like an adult baby If you and me Would you Oh it'd look so cute We'd just look like Painter and decorators

You'd look like a plumber yeah It'd look so cute I'd love to see you in one of those. All the way over to West Fiji. Arena. No, I've already got

my outfit for the arena. Oh, don't get these. No, I'm dressing like Zach Brown from the Zach Brown band on the music video. Cool as fuck. Got a cowboy hat.

He's got like a leather what's this called? T-shirt. Is this the Undeniable Tour or is that gone now? Oh, that's three years ago now. Okay, what one is it now? I've just finished Imperius

but we're doing the arena as Hathaway Live. Oh, sounds! And we're wearing jumpsuits at some point in the second half. I'm dressing like the cowboy that I like. I'm having a cane, by the way,

for the stand-up bit at the start of the arena. I'm going on. What's the waistcoat? Leather waistcoat. Lady hoser. Black shirt, rolled up sleeves.

Oh my God, are you playing wheeling? Cowboy hat. Leather waistcoat. waistcoat lady hoser black shirt rolled up sleeves under it are you playing wheeling cowboy hat leather waistcoat you're not yes I am you're not wearing

a leather waistcoat on stage you're not wearing a cowboy hat Adam you're not wearing a cowboy hat go on google now fuck what google says

just google zach brown cmt crossroads oh my god I'm wearing a t-shirt of those fucking fat fingers cmt crossroads god my god I'm wearing a t-shirt CMT crossroads

God save our kings fat fingers right go on images oh no no you're not you're not see that cowboy hat

no you're not yeah that's what I'm dressing like look how fucking cool he looks he looks like a gobshite he's a country music

he looks like a skaker he doesn't he looks like a sexy bastard no he doesn't I'm allergic like a sexy bastard. No, he doesn't. I'm allergic to country, I have to say. Oh, yes. There you go. Ladies and gents, one of my favourite...

That's what we were going to be getting on. Are you a country fan? Yes, I am. Are you? Yeah, because he loves subtlety. No, I wouldn't be into it now. Adam, no. I wouldn't be into it now Adam no Piss Maybe it's the north face

It's kind of jarring With the north face Is it going to be You need to Joanne Is it going to be easy For you to podcast This aroused

Because I know Things are going to get A bit difficult for you The couch just disappears I'm wearing that outfit That's my stand upup outfit for the arena. No, you fucking not. You can't tell me what to wear.

I can. You can't. You're not wearing a fucking cowboy hat on stage. I am. Get on board with it. I'm going to be dressed exactly like that. I'm having a pimp cane, then. Would you be like Garth Brooks?

Like, what kind of country are we talking? Garth Crooks. Like, um... She's here, but him and I are... Like Nashville, Tennessee. Oh. Oh. Yeah. That one.

Now I find it very offensive. Oh, John, did you get it? Nashville, Tennessee. Hooray! I'm a fucking Nashville magician. We'll be here. We're going to Nashville next year to see my favourite country music artist.

They're all coming. No, we're not going so Adam can see him. We're going to Nashville and you're seeing him. Did you have a line of Grandad in the break? Are you going to Nashville too? You are absolutely flying. I love it. The energy coming off Adam. He's like, we're going. I And you're seeing him Did you have a line of Grandad in the break? Are you going to Nashville You are absolutely flying I love it The energy coming off

Adam he's like We're going I'm fucking dressing like that I'm a cowboy Come on By the way I literally Ordered the six tickets For Nashville

While we were in the break Oh god John do you really wear A jumpsuit every gig Is that your thing? Yeah Alright cool It's nice having

Firstly it's nice having A uniform You don't have to think about it Steve Jobs Steve Jobs Exactly You just have a thing That you wear And then You don't have to think about it Yeah Steve Jobs Steve Jobs Exactly You just have a thing that you wear And then you don't have to worry about it

So I wear a pink jumpsuit For the Brassaco tour Can we have a look on Google? Yeah Yeah Kiri wears her sequin thing That's mental But it does look fucking amazing Which one?

Go down Oh there's no There's no photos Do you want McAnally age? Do you want McAnally part? I love how nosy people are Age Third one now

Boyfriend, partner? Who is she? Oh my God. Can we please type in our names and see what the things are after our face? Dan Nightingale, wife comes up dead quick. Is that one there? Second one?

So see the one down? There you go. No, right there. Yeah, there you go. That's kind of the vibe. That's nice. Okay. It's cool.

I like it. It's also distinctive. And I change it around because obviously they crawl off me after a couple of gigs. They crawl off you. I had to get Bot And I change it around because obviously they crawl off me after a couple of gigs. They crawl off you. I had to get Botox in my armpits because I'd walk off

and the, because you're holding the mic like that. Yeah, the sweat buds. It's unbelievable. I want Botox before I go. I look like I've done a spinning class. Sorry, what? You've done Botox?

No, you don't. So you get Botox in your armpits? I'm getting Botox in my cheeks. I want it in my forehead to stop me sweating. Can I get Botox in my dick? Will it make it look... Does it sweat a lot? Does it sweat profus my dick Will it make it look Does it sweat a lot

Does it sweat profusely Will it make it look bigger No Do you know you cook I think men should get Botox In their balls Why Because they're so wrinkly

It's gross Iron those things out So you want balls Like Charles' fingers Peanuts No You don't need You don't need

Unwrinkled balls Oh dear Well If I was a lad That's what I would have done Oh that is a hell of a list Adam Rowe I Adam Rowe

Comedian girlfriend Adam Rowe and Jade Adam Rowe and Sam Adam Rowe Adam Rowe I Is the top search Adam Rowe Nation of it

Adam Rowe But I'll have them all Wife Adam Rowe Voice actor Voice actor Is the voice actor For a Japanese

Oh yeah Cartoon Adam Rowe Anime Is Adam Rowe Single voice actor for a japanese um oh yeah cartoon adam rowe anime is adam rowe single oh yes he is people want to know dan nightingale and nightingale wife comedian young please click that dan Nightingale with hair. Please click that. Dan Nightingale with hair. Oh, piece of a bush. Look at the one on the left.

I'm a fire starter. Oh, I was on a come down on that photo shoot. Is that you with the green hair? Yeah, I remember that. Wow. Lad. What age were you when it started going? About 14. No way.

I feel very sorry for lads like that. It's very tough. 23, 22, 23. 23. Started going or About 14 No way You okay there though I feel very sorry for lads Like that It's very tough 23 22, 23 23 I had a

A comedian At an open spot night I just gave him We did a little bit of banter He went For fuck's sake Just admit you're going bald And I

You know when you're like It's such a weird Because it was just a dig And we were doing a dig And it sort of I didn't realise That I already knew I think I'd sort of been

In denial And I was like Oh god Yeah It's very tough for lads Losing their hair Especially at that age One of the girls was saying

She was flying home From Turkey recently And she stood up To go to the loo And she said It was just rows of lads With the black little dots I'd absolutely go though

Yeah If I lost mine Yeah This hair does a lot Of heavy lifting for mine Yeah This hair does a lot of heavy lifting For my face Yeah Hair does a lot of heavy lifting For everyone's face

Yeah yeah 100% I'd go to Turkey for caps I've got a Turkey hat You should go to Turkey I know we've talked about it before But I think you should do it Why?

Because I think you'd be So much more confident You can have that for Christmas If you want Some people I actually think A kind of a smooth head Suits some people

And it suits you Thanks mate Like Jason Statham I just I don't want I don't want I don't want to get I'd say it's quite painful

Yeah I'll just start doing cocaine again That'll give me confidence Yeah come out and notice It's cheap innit I don't have to go to Turkey For cocaine Fact

Can we not just get you There for Christmas A new head Get veneers While you're out there Oh what Come on for cocaine. Fact! Can we not just get you the Christmas on your head? Get veneers while you're out there. Oh, what? Come on. Go and get filler.

No, that's what I meant in my dick. Filler. Filler. Dick filler. Dick filler. Do you reckon you can do it? Yeah.

Thickening it out. I reckon you can. I reckon there's definitely stuff you can do. I was reading recently I got an email. I got an email. There's pills you can take out

and it makes your dick up to 6 inches bigger Shut up No more than There's pills you can take up to 6 inches bigger I watched my first ever episode Of Naked Attraction the other day And I looked out

Because it was the episode Where one of the lads had the biggest dick they've ever had on the show You watched my episode I was like yes it else. Watch my episodes. I was like, yes, it zoomed up. I couldn't see the eyes. That's Adam Rowe's dick. Did he have wrinkly balls? One of the girls was saying that sometimes lad sticks are so big that they can't get hard because they don't have enough blood to like.

Can I just say, can I just say say When my 4.1 inches Gets hard Oh my god I could fucking take out the grouting I envy you It gets Oh yeah Just like a lazy python

Flopping around You're not hard Adam I am Get it out the window then Rapunzel Rapunzel Pull up your dick Good song People fall off the ferry Adam just flops his erect dick in Rapunzel, Rapunzel, pull up your dick. Good song.

People fall off the ferry. Adam just flops his erect dick in. I'll bring you back to water. Back to water. Get back in the water with my... Oh, fuck him. My words today. My words today. If I was a lad, I'd'd take the pills is what i'm saying

yeah can i ask a question on the old big off dick off yeah genuinely um is it is there some lads you get to the point where you're like i don't know what i'm gonna be doing with that yeah i'm tapping out i can fucking jujitsu it get in a Kimura Yeah But that's it Yeah Because my ex-girlfriend told me And it was one of those conversations That you have with someone With a four inch knob She was like

Do you know what It's honestly Sometimes It's too big You know She did that That made you feel good And I was like

Thank you It's true You know It's true though Yeah Yeah Yeah but your face says that It isn't

No it's that thing Where you're like It's like You're like Oh that's impressive Look at that Give it a little round of applause Deal with that

I know a girl She's very petite And she was going out With this lad He was huge And she used to call him I can't remember his name His name was Paul

She used to call him In stages Paul She'd just sit on him In stages Because she couldn't And I was like That's no crack That is no crack

For him or her So yeah So I think you're That's what he said When he's seen I was like That's no crack That is no crack For him or her So yeah So I think you're Buying on with your 4 inches That's what he said When he seen it as well That's no crack That's not gonna work

He's like You're too fucking small But yeah You're buying on with your 4 inches Don't be worrying It's all about girth innit That's what I got sold Yeah but what if you got

No girth in 4 inches That's the problem That's the problem there in him That's where you go And get your filler Did you google it Yes Cock you go and get your filler. Did you Google it? Yes.

Cock filler. Yeah. Can I get turkey filler, Dick? Turkey, Dick. There are some overall risks. There's definitely a pump you can get.

There's definitely stuff you can do. You can get testosterone injections and stuff. Well, I'm glad we're taking it seriously. Yeah, there's penis fillers. Penis fillers.

Where am I going? London. 1,500 quid. Do a collab. We Wish you a Merry Christmas Hashtag gifted Hashtag art That's quite cheap that That's for filler

That's for fillers Surgery Surgery routine 2900 8200 Kind of a wide range Yeah Would you get anything done?

What would you get done? Face What would you get done? Would you get anything done? Get my teeth done maybe But I'd rather just Invisalign it Yeah Instead of veneers Yeah it's hard to keep up Veneers I can't start It's the little Face, what would you get done? Would you get anything done? Get my teeth done maybe But I'd rather just Invisalign it Yeah Instead of veneers

Yeah, it's hard to keep up with that Veneers, I can't stand It's the little The way they shave your teeth down Yeah, I've got a picture of Paul Smith on my phone Where he had this shaved off And honestly, it gives me nightmares I know, Katie Price

I'll never forget it She went to Turkey and she She was there the same time as Paul Smith From Hot Water They would become friends They look like Sleepy Hollow Just for like a few weeks Yeah

Anal bleach Yeah, you do have a dirty bum bum from hot water they would become friends they look like sleepy hollow just for like a few weeks yeah anal bleach yeah you do have a dirty bum bum well known for it yeah my wife's getting the full I can't believe we're mentioning this again she'll be so happy it turns out

last week I said that she was she's getting for Christmas this is the present that I'm buying for my wife to get rid of every hair pube, nipple hair it's all gone yeah I thought it's about a grand i thought it was one visit and i've been reassured by about 72 women this week on dms if laura's getting that done it doesn't sound right a thousand pound for one visit so it's not guys it's six visits yeah

yeah it's you'll Yeah You'll never look back You're getting your back lasered Yeah Decided I was telling Josh Arbarber today Oh is he going to do it for you No he just told

Because I was like My back's a bit hairy But it's like You've seen me back It's patchy as fuck It grows like The Amazon forest fires Definitely got it

Yeah like crop circle hair Yeah yeah It's just cold It just looks weird I look like I've got Back alopecia And I had a ton He went just get it las weird I look like I've got Back alopecia And

I had a ton He went just get it lasered I haven't even thought of that Yeah there's a place Next to the burrito Gaff in town Just you Lying here in the burrito

Get that Laser my back It hurts you know I know probably so yeah But you can take salpidine Just don't tell them you took it Because you're not supposed to But just take it

I've got a bit of codeine in ours as well I'm like alopecia from the eyebrows down Oh yeah Best thing I ever did Oh sorry I thought you meant Not naturally That's been dealt with

Lasered like a dolphin Right Yeah All those dolphins They get lasered Best thing Every year Laser dolphins

I like being hairy Like in the right places Yeah You know what I mean Back hair though Like if I was allowed hairy Like in the right places Yeah You know what I mean Back hair though Like if I was allowed I'd get the back hair I'd zap the back hair

Yeah Oh is that a big turn off Wouldn't be a massive turn off No I don't want to say It's a turn off But it wouldn't be a turn on Yeah Do you know what I mean

It could be a bit I think the same about women Yeah It wouldn't pop me off I tell you what It would be a weird woman That was like Your face is alright

Take that top off turn around yeah yeah yeah the bearded back I wouldn't be a big fan of a name the bearded back you can get out

and do what you want these days it's great yeah I'm gonna get it lasered well I'm on Botox and I'm FOD so stop sweating

can we take some of your eyebrow hair and put it on my head let's meet each other halfway oh your back hair on my head yeah fucking lovely little each other halfway. Oh, your back hair on my head? Yeah.

Fucking lovely little Hitler side parted. Chose the wrong person with black hair. Fair one. I haven't got black hair either. Let me have a look. He's got back hair. No, black. Nailed it.

That'll do, pig. My arm's killing. Which one is it? This one. Your left arm. Right, let's nail this episode before we have a health anxiety attack. And we'll speak to one of our sponsors. Who is it which one you left on right let's nail this episode before we have a health anxiety attack

and we'll speak to one of our sponsors who is it we love them yeah wag wag lids it's Dan hope you're enjoying

today's episode do us a favour if you're watching on YouTube like the video subscribe if you're listening follow us on all

socials at Have a Word Pod, tell a friend, do something, help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year. If you want to come and see me, do stand up, get tickets at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode. We've got some correspondence from our lunatic listeners that ask questions. Some of them are random.

Some of them are quite heartfelt. They are mad. I love them, but they're mad. Dan Johnson says, if stroke when, Dan Johnson,

go to, if stroke when you get to Chappelle's level on the UK comedy scene, sponsorships are flying your way. Which way, which brand or company would you choose to beappelle's level on the UK comedy scene, sponsorships are flying your way. Which brand or company would you choose to be the face of and why?

Joanne, if you could have, like, and this includes a nice little wedge, let's call it 100K a year for the rest of your life, also unlimited use of their products, what company would you like to be the face of? You'd want to go something spanny then, wouldn't you, if it means you get use of their products, what company would you like to be the face of? You'd want to go something spenny then, wouldn't you? If it means you get used to their products as well. I'd go like,

I mean, if I got to that, I'd go Cars. I'd go like, I was thinking Harley Davidson. Ferraris. Harley Davidson. With a stupid fucking hat on? Who the fuck are you?

Harley Davidson. Adam Roemate. Oh, my wrists are hurting. I wouldn't be, Harley Davidson to me is like, they're kind of Middle aged men Midlife crisis Vibes

He's not far away I love motorbikes But Harley Davidson I'm not into Kawasaki then Kawasaki The face of Kawasaki Oh is that

Is that one of the Like the dare bikes Yeah I'd go Ferrari Something like that Yeah Fuck it Do you know

If you were like The face of Sainsbury's I know it'd be a bit weird When Jamie fucks off If you could just go face of Sainsbury's I know it'd be a bit weird When Jamie fucks off If you could just go in Any Sainsbury's And be like Oh Dan

And it was just Unlimited use Every time you did Your big shop So Just walk out Apparently I don't know if this is true

But apparently Lewis Capaldi He did a campaign For Deliveroo And instead of getting payment He was like Just give me free Deliveroo For the rest of my life.

Now if that's I don't know if that's true that could be a rumour but I heard that. That's a fact though. Go Dior or British Gas. British Gas.

Sexy. Mate, you've just nailed the most sensible one ever. Yeah. Yeah. And he'll be banging Liz Truss in no time. So it's fine.

Or Dior. I'd go Dior probably. Dior or British Gas. It's that conundrum. Isn't he Dior now? Is he? No, he's British. Or Dior. I'd go Dior probably. Dior or British Gas. It's that conundrum. Isn't he Dior now? Is he? No, he's British Gas. Little Ride.

It's David Gandhi, isn't it? A little what? Ride. What's a little ride? Sexy. A little ride is hot, yeah. Sexy ride. Does that mean you want to fuck him? Yeah, I think so.

Ride is sex. Thank you. He's a little sex. It is. He's a little sex. Carl can speak Irish. Oh, here's a question. He's a little sex Carl can speak Irish Oh here's a question You're from Dublin

Do you have sex phone lines in Ireland? Oh god Are they like based in Ireland? I'm sure if we have them they're outsourced I can't imagine they're like Dublin girl How about that? The Dublin accent? Yeah you see

I was saying to Adam earlier Some of the accents in the UK I'm like Dublin girl How about that The Dublin accent Yeah come on Yeah you see I don't So Because I was saying to Adam earlier That some of the accents in the UK I find Like I have to repeat them And the Liverpool accent Is one of them

It's really addictive It gets in your ear It's like an earworm or whatever Yeah but so is Dublin you know Dublin is a bit the same Whenever I speak to Johnny Lynn That's me Fucking Johnny

Yeah He's a great Dublin accent Old smoothie knickers I fucking love him Yeah He's as smooth As my wife is going to be Fucking smooth

Nice one I think you'd be I think I just I don't know Come around mine And fork me I like it Yeah

Babe Station Island We just I just like it Hello I'm wanking Well fucking pull your fucking dick Harder Yeah

Babe station Dublin Dublin babe station Surely that'll be popular Yeah Surely Yeah I think there's I think when you call a sex lion Sorry

You should be allowed to tell them What accent you want them to do Yeah Korean Hello This is babe station Ireland i love vietnamese all right this is gonna get rough and i'm not gonna do it um uh would you rather we've got a would you rather and these you know can't you can't just be like neither you have to live and

die by the would you rather hi lids got a would you rather for you this is from taylor rickett would you rather be able to see everyone's kinks and fetishes a little like being seeing someone's stats on the sims type thing so basically you meet someone and you can almost see what they're into what they're like sexual kinks are and whatever or have a complete list of everyone who has ever thought about you sexually be it for a cheeky wank, flirting, even walked past you in the street and thought their fit fancied you. Anything remotely sexual, so you do Would You Rather. You get the complete comprehensive history of everyone who's like,

I'd tap dead ass. Or you get to sort of see people's kinks and I'd love that. I choose being able to see people's kinks. I don't want to know who's, I don't care. Like, I don't want my fucking able To see people's kinks I don't want to know Who's I don't care Like I don't want My fucking uncle

Coming up on the list I don't know I'm just saying I don't know I love it In my head as a lad I was like That'd be great

Because it'd be all the women Who want to bang you And yours is like A personal operation You treat Like you know what lads Are like You know

You know what lads are like Yeah but you're a woman Exactly Do you know what I mean Fucking hell Like men have been telling you Your whole life The list would be long I'd fucking love a go at that

But lads have to think about Banging everything don't they Yeah yeah yeah Yeah That bottle would probably Have a long list of lads Trying to bang it I don't know

So I would choose kinks I think that'd be great Save you so much time At the start I tell you what It'd be good about the list If like Finn was on it And I was like Oh Like that'd be weird Wouldn't it You could use it to what would be good about the list. If like Finn was on it and I was like,

oh, like that'd be weird, wouldn't it? You could use it to your advantage. I'd rather have the list, wouldn't it? Imagine getting that like live update. You walk past a really fit,

like a fit girl and she's like, I'd love to fuck him. I'm just like, hey, love, I heard you talk there. Come on,

off we go. Yeah. I think everyone has that voice. It'd be sad if you were walking around town for nine hours though. Where's Adam? Still walking. Fingers crossed.

He walks around town for fucking hours. You could just do John Still walking. Fingers crossed. He walks around town for fucking hours. You could just do John Lynn's accent into, come on, fuck me. Yeah,

I think having that list would be good. Especially if you get like live updates and you can use it to your advantage as well. It's different for lads. Sexy Terminator

would be fucking brilliant and they'd be close, you'd be king, you'd be bullshy, you'd be brilliant, you could see all of this shit.

I'd like it as well. Like any STIs they've had, who's in their wank bank, a list of people in their wank bank. Wow, yours is a busy screen, isn't it? I'm going, folders. The kink ones. Do you want McAnally walking around town

moving information around? The kink one will come in really useful the first time you fuck someone that you're interested in. Exactly. If you actually like them and you know what they're into if they're like this is my favorite when adam knows what he's about to say and then makes himself laugh

but if they're into some dirty shit let's say if they're like being spat at and fucking poked in the eye and yeah those famous kinks but exactly if she's like being spat at and fucking poked in the eye and stuff. Yeah, those famous kinks. But exactly if she's like nervous about telling people, I love being poked in the eye and tickled, right? At the same time. If she's not going to tell you that for a while, but you do it on the first time and she's like, oh my God, this man is a God even more than I already thought he was.

It's fucking great. What about at Christmas? If you see like your nan like sitting on pineapples because you'll see everybody. No, you can turn it off. I never told her what I thought. You can turn it off. You have to be able to turn it off.

I don't think you can. My nan's dead. Go and see your dad and you suck her men off and you wouldn't have known that before. I'd be like, do you know what, Dad? Why have you not told me? What, your mum's got her friends around and you walk in and it's like pegging, spanking.

Oh, God, yeah. It's got to be the negatives in some of it. Because it's the uncle thing on the list there's got to be a negative if you can't turn it off yeah i wouldn't mind knowing what anyone i know wants doing to them you'd be an amazing compare wouldn't you okay what'd you do for a job never mind that you're into swinging oh and this isn't your missus nice that'd be fucking great I wouldn't mind that at all I'd actually prefer the list See I think yeah

If I couldn't switch it off I'd prefer the list Yeah I could do nothing With the list You're talking to some old woman You're like Oh fuck

She's into some nasty shit But maybe it'd be nice If you just realised That everyone's a dirt Everyone's dirt Get on with your life Everyone's dirt Everyone's scum Everyone dirt Everyone's scum

Everyone's fun's a bit dirty aren't they Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Actually the non-fun ones are probably the dirt They're the most dirty It's always the people that get stuck Or do weird shit The loudest women I've been with in the streets

Are boring in the sheets But then those little quiet mice Who are like oh I'm unassuming hey fuck they're ones in there I met a girl once and you wouldn't have she was

she seemed so I'm not going to say normal because it's not abnormal but like she was wearing little flat shoes from Next you know the little pumps like just

yep there was didn't seem any spice there at all plain Jane yeah shit yeah

really yeah she was going to these parties oh no but do tell us Yeah, she was going to these parties. I know someone who goes to sex parties in London. What? I've got a friend. I'm not even messing. Oh my god, Scottish John. It's a weekly sex meet-up.

It's a gay club in the night. And in the day, it's an LGBTQ friendly sex party every Sunday morning. Sunday morning? Sunday morning? Is it a Rob Reilly gig. I think I played it. Sunday morning? Sunday morning. Is it a Rob Reilly gig? I think I've done it.

200 quid to close. Apparently it's great. And you go in and you can go into whatever room you want and you get to do whatever you want with anyone in there who wants to do it with you. And like hundreds of people go every Sunday morning. No way. Yeah.

Sunday morning's an interest. Are they on the road over? Is it kind of like- I think it's because like in a night it's a gay club, so it's the only time they can get the room. Can I ask you a question? Are you allowed to take pastries in? I love a croissant on a Sunday morning. Are they really thinking about church?

No. It's the opposite of church. It's gays sucking each other off. That is the opposite of church. It is the opposite of church. You can't do that in a church. The patrons are there. Next question.

It is. And it does happen. And you know the friend. Do I? Yeah. Give me the first initial. No. Lewis.

We've got some, we need to give some advice because as you can tell, Adam gives great advice. Even when he doesn't. Even when he doesn't. Even when he doesn't. They're deserved now. They do.

I've got my life together and they're like, you know what? He's figured it out. Yeah. So can I. I can't wait to see you dressed like that.

Can't wear. Yeah. It's going to be immense. This is from Anonymous. Hi Lids, please keep this anonymous cool

but I'm just needing some advice nice one lately I've been having very realistic and vivid sexual dreams a lot of the time including people

that I know such as friends or work colleagues I wake up the next day to find that I've actually jizzed in the night sorry

I hate it when people laugh at it this isn't a problem when I'm staying at my own house Sorry. I hate it when people laugh at it. This isn't a problem when I'm staying at my own house. The issue is when it happens when I'm staying over at my girlfriend's house. She's noticed the mess in the mornings a few times and has even said she now thinks... No, I was making some paper mache, babe.

Oh, what are you, Jizz? Glue. Looks like glue, doesn't it? It does. It does. That's why he keeps in a pot.

She has noticed the mess in the mornings a few times and has even said now she thinks I let her fall asleep early so I can wank next to her in the night. Do I stay quiet

and just let her think I'm a huge creep or do I tell her the truth and say it's because I've dreamt about doing the nasty with other girls, some of them that she knows quite well?

Don't tell her that. Tell her you're thinking about her. Love the pod. Tell her you're dreaming about her, you absolute mental case. What? She's not going to believe that. What, is she fucking stupid? You've jizzed in the night.

I'm dreaming about you. Oh, okay then. See you later. Clean up. Come on. That's a tough one one He can't control it Can he No

It's a fucking inception What do you want him to do How old is he He said Have you tried fucking Before you sleep So you're Repletive cum

That's actually Really good as well Yeah You gotta get the cum out Gotta get the cum out You gotta get the cum Gotta get the cum out And then he won't

If you'd emptied the bottle, there's no shots to be fired. Straight up. I would, if I was him, I would say, yeah, look, it's something that happens,

but there's nothing, I would pretend I wasn't pink and anything. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I don't remember. Isn't that worse? Oh, love,

look, if I empty me mind, I'd just jizz all over the place. If I knew. When I've got nothing on I just come I'm not to keep me under control Yeah

If I thought that my boyfriend Was asleep dreaming about Riding women I know And then coming in asleep Yeah that would really bother me Why That would be a deal breaker for me Really

Why Yeah If you woke up And said I was squirting All over the bedroom Screaming the word John Are you telling me You wouldn't have a problem with it

Oh Even Oh Are you telling me You wouldn't have a problem with it oh even oh are you telling me you'd be fine with that i wouldn't be fine with that exactly no but i'm saying like he can't control it can he no and nina can she yeah sometimes she doesn't do it it's like a gambling addict they can't control that either but i'd still probably break up with them do you know what i mean you have to go And have a little Medical wank Yeah

You know Have sex with your partner But what if you have A medical wank before bed And then she starts To suck you off And you can't get out Because you're just

Coming to the toilet Right Well there's that I would say it's a medical condition That he leaks slightly In the night But that if it is That he's not wanking

When she's asleep It doesn't sound like A little leak in the night Does it It sounds like he's And that if she wants That he's not wanking When she's asleep It doesn't sound like A little leak in the night Does it It sounds like He leaks slightly in the night And that if she wants to Help him avoid that

Then they ride before they sleep Tell it it's piss I love the ride thing Get along Tell it it's piss Tell it it's piss Tell it it's piss Oh you've jizzed

You've pissed the bed I remember googling once So Because I thought It was a woman When you were reading that first I thought it was a woman And I remember reading that first I thought it was a woman And I remember

I dreamt that I rode One of my friends And I googled it And apparently it means I was jealous of her Now whether that's true or not I don't know You dreamt that you fucked

One of your female friends Yeah Yeah So I was like Wow what's that mean So I was googling it Yeah And apparently it means

You're jealous of them Because I was quite young at the time I don't think I was even Really sexually active at the time Anyway my point is Maybe there's another reason why he's dreaming those dreams Yeah Because I dreamt once that I fucked Chris Rock

And it turns out it's just his ticket sales There you go Yeah yeah Knew it I was lying Point for everyone Do you remember did you get wet jazzy knickers Wet wet wet

Wet wet wet I've never had a wet dream What? Marty Pellman I've never jizzed in my pants in the night never I've had a sex dream

I've had a sex dream that's not the same thing yeah but you've not no but you've not had a sex dream to completion no I haven't I've never jizzed in my pants no

I did when I was young yeah it's quite a thing when you're like oh something's very wrong it was just because just before you'd like started yeah I was 23 um no yeah it was i was young i was about 13 oh shit yeah and it's just body going if you're not

gonna get rid of this jizz we're gonna have to get rid of it i never had that problem i was all i was on it from day one you were just fucking year three banging yeah yeah yeah helps yeah i don't think that lad's very happy yeah maybe we're going in yeah oh here we go i don't think he's I don't think that lad's very happy Yeah maybe We going in Yeah Oh here we go I don't think he's I don't think he's happy I don't think they're

In a happy I worry about my sleep Why are you dreaming About riding other people every night Like that's not normal Every night Something's going on In your subconscious

Yeah You're not happy I worry about my sleep habits Because I'm a single man And occasionally you know You sleep with someone You haven't slept with before Or for the first time

When you're dating someone And my sleeping habits You know I'm twitchy i'm air i'll shout talk yeah i do talk i'll sit up and talk sometimes especially if i'm drunk do you sleep as a traveler i can't that's's what that sounded. Oh, you can't. You're out. You're out. Hi. And your one's out, ladies and gentlemen. I'm topping out. Jizz in the night.

Traveler's delight. So. Oh, Lord. Freddie Dobson says, right, lids, I need some advice, help. So I'm young and new to drinking I'm about a year in And when I'm drunk I act like a proper muppet So I'm worrying

Wondering how to change You need to grow out of that Or do other people Have this problem Yeah Self awareness is amazing Fair play to him Most people don't cop that

17 years old And he's like I am a bellender Yeah That's amazing Find your drink Might be drinking the wrong thing Yeah

Oh really I get bad if I drink Well it used to be tequila But if I drink like a whiskey Or something now I'm a bell end here. Yeah. That's amazing. Find your drink. Might be drinking the wrong thing. Yeah. Oh, really? I get bad if I drink, well, it used to be tequila, but if I drink like a whiskey or something now. Too strong. Too much shit. Find your drink that you're good on. So I had my first pint of Guinness in Ireland this weekend in Dublin.

No way. Yeah. Went to the Norseman, which is our mate Will's granddad's old pub, just on Temple Bar. Often just a few pubs down from Temple Bar. And it was amazing. and while i was there we went to on fleet street there's a place called bows and it was apparently it's one of the really good pints in dublin and there was a whisk like a display

usually where you know like a shitty pub has a display of Aftershark and fucking all the different. It was just whiskey with this beautiful shelf lighting. So it was just all illuminated gold. And I should have had my first whiskey there. I've drank whiskey and Coke when I was a kid, but I've never drunk proper whiskey. This was the first weekend where I've been tempted to have a really proper whiskey. And like, I don't know, do you drink ice with it? It depends. I have one ice cube in mine. But like that to some people is like sacrilege. a really proper whiskey and like a like a I don't know do you drink ice with it?

It depends I have one ice cube in mine Right But like that to some people is like sacrilege The barman was like yeah just drink how you fucking want to drink you don't need to worry about that

but whiskey's the one that I've heard so many people say it makes them fucking angry But it's so I won't drink brandy It's so the alcohol level is so high and people are smashing it

like it's That's my problem with whiskey Is that I can drink whiskey Like I can drink beer Yeah So I get very very drunk Very quickly

Yeah Yeah So I try and avoid it Unless it's a special occasion I'll have an old fashioned As like a treat That's my favourite cocktail Have you got a drink

That you're not good on Joanne I like an agroni Oh a white wine White wine sends me I call it bitch diesel It sends me over the edge But I I will absolutely be diesel, it sends me over the edge.

But I will absolutely be slammed. Like it's Lucas out. Nothing. And I have a very, because I drink so much of it, I can drink a lot of it. Yeah. But it kind of makes me quite violent. I can drink quite a lot of Guinness.

But then, Carl's said this for years, I've got like a light switch me. I go from literally, you're like, fucking hell, Adam's had 12 pints and he's totally,

like he's holding conversations. He's got in the basket. Oh, he's asleep. He's asleep. No, you're like, fucking hell, Adams had 12 pints and he's totally, like he's holding conversations. He's got in the basket. Oh, he's asleep. He's asleep. No, you go vegan. But Guinness doesn't make you knobhead drunk, does it? No, I don't think so. You can't drink enough of it.

It's too heavy, I think. But white wine makes you a bit of a knob. White wine, because you can drink so much of it, because it's quite light. Guinness isn't heavy. It's a myth. I can't stand Guinness. I love it. I know, I can't stand it.

I'm a Guinness man. Well, I always used to think tequila was the worst thing ever, but since we got that silver Patron in here, I genuinely think it's a fucking great drunk. Really? Like a really fun, warm, giddy drunk. I have great nights out with a bit of silver Patron, yeah. Kardashians love a bit of Patron.

Someone to the next to you there, if you want a shot. Oh, well, that's cafe. They've got some white next to it. Oh, really? White down, yeah. That was, when you were younger,

you went out with the clear mission of getting absolutely rat arse. Yeah. I drank a full 70 centilitre bottle of cheap Grant's vodka

on the park when I was 16. It was the 97, so I was celebrating Mother Teresa's death. We're out. We're out. Check out that meat. Sympathical. And I was drinking, I was celebrating Mother Teresa's death We were out We were out Look at that meat

Sympathical And I was drinking I was eating carbs Because I didn't give a fuck About keto From before And I drank it all Because it was so easy

Because my body Had never drunk vodka before Straight Bang bang bang bang bang The most drunk I've ever been The most hungover I've ever been And for ages

Couldn't drink vodka Like it was almost like I was allergic to it You probably were When I was about 20 I drank so much vodka To put in a drip the next day We brought down to the hospital

And put in a drip To rehydrate me Because when you're When you're that age That's what you do You know a lot of like Showbiz people Do that all the time

Chappelle does it Dave Chappelle does that Every day when he's on tour Am I V-Dra He gets twatted on stage And after the show And then drips up the next day That's a great idea

Yeah but not in the fucking general. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like yellow though, isn't it? It looks like fucking... Piss. Does he do that every day? Yeah. Yeah.

When he's doing shows back to back, yeah. That's a great idea. That makes sense because we seen him last week at Hot Water Comedy Club and he was absolutely rotten drunk by the end of it and potted off his twat later in the night, but not at the venue and then the next day

he felt he was at the arena and he didn't look hungover at all mad there's tricks of the trade if I had the cash I'd be doing them

oh 100% they had an IV county man put a picture of it he had an IV the next day all of them it's all like vitamins and minerals

and it just completely wonder how much that will be now. Probably not that much. Yeah. 100 quid. You probably just need someone who can like put it in. No, no,

it's not just fucking, you're not getting it down the spa. It is expensive. It's like a high end. Yeah, of course. It'll be really good shit. I bet it's a couple of hundred quid for each.

Couple of hundred quid. Per bag. Today, Chappelle's nothing. Yeah, of course. It's tickets are 100 quid each I'm sure he's

alright yeah what a great idea I'd love one of them I want to see what it does can we get some of them in the

studio I'm so ready for a night out man I'm so ready what would you drink what would be your go-to what would be

your system now I've become a mojito man recently I've put about half a stone on yeah but I was in Dundalk on Friday night

and I was the first person to get hammered on purely meat loss. What? Because there's nothing in them. It's soda. No, there's sugar in them. What? A little bit of sugar. Oh yeah, absolutely shit loads of sugar. No, a good one shouldn't have loads of sugar in it. No, you're forgetting about the absolute shit tons

of sugar that's in a mojito. Well, they're making it wrong then. The only thing... Yeah, it's a mojito. The only drink that can aid in weight loss I think is vodka The only It's the purest Gin and slim line Gin and slim

But there's gin That's got sugar in it Yeah but it's the same Because I find Like my weight If I'm gigging loads And touring And I'm just drinking loads

I'm rolled out of the place At the end of the week And that's wine So I'll swap to vodka As like a health kick so I drink Guinness when I'm trying to be good

Guinness I would have thought Guinness Guinness has got less calories than beer and up to 28 pints a week is good for you I remember a mate of mine

used to slam a Coors Light because he was like it's low in calories it's not low in calories it's a lighter hop it's not high in calories it's half the calories

of Coors Light no it's not Google the calories in Coors No it's not Google The calories in Coors Light A pint of Guinness Is 200 and odd calories Isn't it

Just don't drink Carlin then Coors Light It's a lighter hop 28 pounds of vitamins 43 calories Per 100 gram And then Google Carlin So there's 102 calories

In a can of 12 Oz Coors Light Which is a small tinny Of course Say 140 And what's the What's the of 12 Oz Coors Light, which is a small tinny, of course. Say? 140. And what's the comparison to the Coors Light? 102. There's not that much in the difference.

If you drink 25 of them, it is. It's not low calorie. I remember because I used to work with them. Really? Get fucked. Did you? It's still 4%. So you're on tour at the moment.

Yeah. Liverpool. Liverpool. Where are we? You've done 197 dates at Vickers Street. it's still 4% so you're on tour at the moment yeah Liverpool where are we you've done 197 dates at Vickers Street you live at Vickers you've got a flat above the theatre

yeah I fucking wish I did it'd be much handier oh is it tough is it tough you've had a hard you've had a hard time you're doing 60 nights

at Vickers Street you know it just takes its toll like the financial burden what do I do with all this money and success like how can I literally how can i look at this in my bank account when people are starving bring me a drink what's the capacity of 1,000 60,000 people she's been anfield twice in dublin you're okay i know sometimes you sometimes you to check yourself

you're like oh it's the time Sometimes you have to Check yourself You're like Oh it's so time Fucking gigging all the time You're like Do you mind It's an air night Get your shit together And you probably would have done

Just as many gigs On the club circuit For At 1% of the Yeah But there's something about doing I do have an air in 20 And you know yourself

You're like At 100% For an air in 20 every night Because even at the night Oh yeah yeah It is tiring Yeah it is Don't get me wrong

I'm being a dick Yeah I was moaning at the end of my tour and my tour you do end up moaning a bit I felt like

really successful on the tour I've just done it was great and then I look at yours and I'm like actually there's a long way to go

well I've got at least I've got see I can dance between the two Ireland and the UK I'm only getting going in the UK though now

I'm only able to sell venues in the UK now really well today will help mate because you've been a fucking great guest oh thanks

absolutely superb that will go down beautifully tell everyone just before you go where they can find you on social media and your wonderful podcast

so the podcast is called My Therapist Ghosted Me and my tour all my tour dates are on

joannmcnally.com Warwick is really struggling with that. And Birmingham. Fuck those places, yeah. Everyone else is kind of grand, but those two are, I'm thinking of pulling an exhausting thing on the team. Too close to each other.

Is that what it is? Yeah, Warwick's, you know. See, I don't know. It's only like half an hour down the road. I was going to Warwick. Warwick. I can't tell any tickets in Warwick. Warwick.

We've only got a few hundred tickets left for the arena and then the arena sold out gigsandtours.com ticketcourses.co.uk I've got nothing to sell

I'm in Colwyn Bay on the 1st of October I've sold the first one out in Colwyn Bay that's done it'll be done this weekend added a second show

there are 40 tickets left Colwyn Bay the station www.dann a second show. There are 40 tickets left. Colwyn Bay, the station, www.dannightingale.com and loads of others that have sold out. Appreciate you. See you next week.

Cheers, Joanne. Song. Song. Oh, Finn is the song. Could you play a song? Sorry to interrupt.

Song doesn't go on YouTube, only on the audio. What is it? Finn, stop trying to fuck me I'm sorry It's too much This is called Heal

By Tyler White It's on SoundCloud I love that song And him And his family They're good guys Yeah Yeah

What's the song about? I don't know Is it like local? It's good See you bye Carl wants us to say goodbye To the studio doesn't he He wants to do a little Footnote to the episode I mean it's saying goodbye To itself It's good. See you, bye. Carl wants us to say goodbye to the studio, doesn't he? He wants to do a little footnote to the episode.

I mean, it's saying goodbye to itself. It's literally falling to bits, but it's been a special little cupboard. Ta-da. Bye-bye, special little room in the Science Centre at the Heath. Been emotional today, hasn't it? I'm holding back the tears. The thought of having to walk to work every day, all seven minutes of that walk,

rather than having to drive here. Getting to drive here. Genuinely, talking shit to you knobbed in this cupboard in Runcorn has changed my life, and I will always remember it fondly. Right now, I'm sick of the sight of it, and I want to take all of this stuff and put it in a bigger place in Liverpool City Centre.

And that's what we're going to do. Bye. Ciao. It's been amazing. It's set the precedent for UK comedy podcasting. It has. It didn't just so much

as change the game, but invented a game of its own. Wow. Quidditch. We are the game. Yeah. I love it. I'm the game.

Run, Corn, we love you. I hate it all of it. I'm the best. Run, Corn, we love you. And what we're going to do is even though we're in Liverpool City Centre, we're always going to come back here

for lunch, aren't we? No. No, no, no. Oh, no. It's been so long. There's loads of restaurants in Liverpool. It Liverpool City Centre, we're always going to come back here for lunch, aren't we? No. Oh, no. There's loads of restaurants in Liverpool. I was being facetious. Why would we come back to the cafe that we don't like? Oh, yeah, that's true. Oh, we do like the cafe.

We love Leslie at the cafe. We love Leslie and Steve. Steve's a gobshite, though. Yeah, but he's a likeable gobshite. No, he's been rude for years. The way he looks at me. He acts polite, but, you know, you can just tell there's an undertone of country.

Okay. Is this going out? Run, Korn. He acts polite, but you can just tell there's an undertone of country. Okay. Is this going out? Ron Corn, goodbye. Leslie, we love you. We do love Leslie. The cafe. See you guys. We love this room.

Bye, Ron Corn. Bye-bye, Ron Corn. I don't love this room. I hate this room. No, you don't. It was a good room at the time. Without groaning. Yeah, Adam's...

Why are you getting him to do a sad video? He's not arsed. I can't wait to move. Have you got no nostalgia to this room at all? Not right now, because we're still in it. How can I have nostalgia for the thing I'm sat in doing? Maybe in a couple of months I'll be like, ah, we did do some really great...

You can look back at the stuff we've done here, though. Yeah. He's not... But he's still doing it. Yeah. In a couple of months he'll miss it we've done here, though. Yeah. He's not, but he's still doing it. Yeah. In a couple of months, he'll miss it. He's on a poo. Yeah.

See you, everyone. Come. Bye. Love you. I'm waiting up here. Room 1009. Don't tell them. See you.

Bye. See ya. You found your glycerin, lost your glycol Dr. Butane Miss Propylene Find your glucose In your old blue jeans Sahara crown the old slated town copper pearl

in your suburban world The moon is your pendulum Your pendulum The moon is your pendulum Your pendulum Metropolitan town Dystopian jewel Tricky suspension No transmission of fuel

Your sunrise mirrors You have found your fool You always say you look so cool Sahara crown

The old slated town. The copper pearl in your suburban world. Moon is your pendulum, your pendulum. The moon is your pendulum, your pendulum.