Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #19 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

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Hello guys, it's Dan. I just want to tell you about our sponsor for the day, Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review those beers via their website to earn points and rewards. Every month's beers will have a brand new theme. Past themes have been beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand and South Africa. Many countries from around the world. They've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer of a free case of eight beers. Four.

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which helps support the podcast. It's win-win. Pause the pod, go do that now, and enjoy the fucking episode. Lick it. Okie dokie, pickin' a pokey! Good morning job seekers. Oh my god, ok, it's happening. Catch me outside, how about Dave?

Is that Dave? No, there's no uncle Dave here. Ok. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of Disgusting! Welcome back, Grandad Daniel. Thank you so much.

Are you feeling better, babe? Are you feeling okay in yourself now? I feel so much fucking better. I had got, I was feeling a bit under the weather and I'd got myself like stressed. I was getting stressed. I just, it's a weird one, isn't it? I think it's like, I had a little,

after we recorded on Saturday, my head was, and like, I was just going, oh, the pressure of whatever's going on and like hot water did that live stream on saturday night and the police turned up amazing can you imagine that so for the so for those that don't know hot water comedy club um basically live streamed but didn't streamed but because it's called hot water live everyone's like it's a live stream yeah so they streamed a show because they record literally every in a comedian ever says in case they get a video out of it that can go viral

they record sensible yeah they record every show so they they recorded a show they recorded the full length of on the 7th of March, which you happen to be on. That was the premiere of their new idea, which is every Saturday night there's going to be a full live stream instead of a live comedy show. But it's going to be from a pre-recorded show. And some daft cunt was like, have they got 200 people in a basement?

That's not social distancing, is it? And they phoned the police who sent 12 busies. They sent 12 police officers. It's so thick. It's painful. It's been in every national newspaper. Every single one. Do you know why?

Because no one's going out and doing anything. So there's like, God, there's a story. Oh, my God, there's a story. my god there's a story because they're like they're all over it aren't they because they're like thank christ something's happened um so yeah paul paul the uh one of the owners there messaged me and he was like while this is happening because you're you're first on that night just by chance i was first on on that saturday he was like would you be on like the facebook page watching it and then you can comment and interact and that was not the easiest thing to be a part of because people were just going it's just not live it's just not live i thought this was live hang on this isn't live are they there i think they're there are they there i think the

sound text editing in the laughter that was my favorite oh that's so funny when people think there's canned laughter literally watching paul smith do interaction with a crowd you're like how good is this sound tech i've heard of people doing canned laughter i've you've never heard of canned interaction um so yeah i didn't i wasn't on there but my sister was watching it and then and then my wife and my brother-in-law was like we're gonna watch it as well because i just think it's nice and it made me a bit sad it's i i haven't clocked it because we've been so busy doing this yeah i basically i've been doing my little side piece with you and i forgot

my original the original bay which is stand up and i just watched it and i know we're gonna get to do it again and i know people are gonna be ill people have lost their jobs and whatever but just in my little bubble it was just this reminder of like shit that's the thing i love doing and i think i think it i think it's starting to clock with a lot of comedians you know do you know when it hit me yesterday when we didn't do a podcast and i had nothing to do i had nothing to do all day and i just i posted about it i put on twitter and instagram and stuff i tell you i got a great response to this i put it on my facebook page i put a photo of me up outside the comedy cellar in New York City. And I just said, do us a favor, just comment the first gig you ever see me live at. And there's hundreds of comments going, I seen you here.

And it just reminded me of a load of gigs. And I got a bit emotional by that. I need gigs back, man. I need, like, my prediction, as I've said to you a couple of times, is that we won't do a gig again until November. And in my head, I was like, I might be able to live with that. I'm now 100% certain I need a gig before November well I and I've been working because you again we were speaking

to uh comedian mates of ours and they were like I think it's going to be about two or three weeks and then and then all of a sudden I I was being a bit more realistic and I pitched it at June. All of a sudden now I'm like, no, it's maybe September. You're even being even more sort of, well, it's sort of pessimistic. I think it's realistic, isn't it? And you're saying November. Then you speak to some of the fanies we're mates with like, it's going to be 2024. People aren't going to leave the house.

And all of a sudden, five days after we were not slagging off live streaming, but being a bit like, can't be bothered, I'm thinking like, I would like to stand up and say the shit that I like saying, but thank God for this part. Look, I've been wrong before, and I'll be wrong again.

And I'm a hypocrite. And I wasn't slagging them off I think what I said was it's like rugby I don't get it but crack on I'm just not getting involved I stand by that I'm not going to be doing stand up give me another two weeks I'm not doing stand up to my bird

and my dog and streaming it I can't have it just going why is that funny like because Scott Bennett who did it who's a great comic, if you don't know about Scott, go and check him out. And he's been live streaming some shows from his house, and his wife is his only audience member, and she's sitting there laughing along

because she's one of the loveliest, most supportive people in the world. Jade would just be going, I didn't like that one. Not for me. Laura would be on Instagram. I'd be like, so anyway, I've noticed instagram i'd be like so anyway uh i've noticed i'd be like babe can you put your phones away i've been literally looking around for security like is there any security in that's it i'll be the comic we'll live stream and etta can be the security she can just come over and go mummy can you put your phone away yeah thanks we're gonna

have to ask you to leave i i uh yeah do i'm missing it a little bit i'm missing it a little bit so sorry we didn't get to do a pod yesterday i mean i could have basically i bet i could have done a pod but we've been doing so well it's been so good and i know we said you being all fucking moody i didn't want to talk to you yesterday shut shut shut down i had a fucking banging head though and like shut down daily like one person went yeah but no one's listening to this going i don't care what it's like as long as it happens it's not no it's not a fucking there was a couple of people who jokingly were like um ah come on that but most people were really supportive And do you know what I noticed?

Yesterday was our Best chart position On iTunes all week And I think it's because a lot of people went Oh, they're not doing one today I've got time to catch up And I think a few people went back And caught up on a few episodes So I think it was not the end of the world

No, I'm not I think maybe Sundays might have to be our day of rest on this because I'm looking forward The Lord's Day I will literally convert to Christianity to have a Sunday because I'm looking forward and they're talking about how long this shutdown's going we said we'd do a shutdown daily thinking there'd be a two or three week shutdown and not knowing what

it was like i don't want to put out a pod that isn't good and funny i don't i want us to enjoy it that's what that's why i mean people love this pod but we love it as well it's because it's fun so i think sunday might have to be the pod sabbath as well you know yeah i i i'm 100% with you on that to be honest with you i think think as long as our listeners are okay, and we are sort of, you know, we're making up the structure as we go along, but if you don't mind us having Sundays off, because like today, I don't know about you,

I've been fucking buzzing all morning. I'm like, it's podcast time. Well, that's what we had before the shutdown, wasn't it? We were like giddy little kippers On a Tuesday morning going And then six in a row You're like I still enjoy doing it I just don't want it to get like

You're alright What funny that's happened to you Well what we've said is We'll commit to a month of these daily ones Because that's sort of the upper limit Of what we thought it was going to be. And at the end of the month, we'll have a little...

At the end of four weeks of doing it, six days a week now, we'll have a little review and see what people are saying and see... We're just going to see what people want. We want people to keep enjoying it, don't we?

I think as well, we can do a Twitter poll at some point. We can do a vote on the on the patreon site for the people that have actually forked out money for it yeah and that's patreon.com slash have a word pod uh and we can we can do a twitter poll this podcast is is all about the people that are listening as well but uh i took it out i i just rested instead of like going right what am i gonna do for the podcast today i had a rest in the morning chilled out and then i was like no fuck i need some fresh air

and i took out a a lot of frustration on my fucking garden to the point where one of the neighbors came out i went dan are you all right because i was because it looked like i was doing a hate hate crime to the fucking hedge you bought yourself a chainsaw haven't you oh the chainsaw which i'm having to go i'm having to go carefully out because i am the dickhead who will take a fucking finger off i know that about me like even this is how sad it is being a comedian there's a bit of me in my head going if i take a finger off it'll be a really good story maybe not for the first few days I'd be like

hi everyone thanks for listening fucking four digits wafting but being a comedian is weird because when things happen to you

or you sort of catastrophize what they could be in your head you're like could be a fucking good story though that wouldn't it

do you ever do that in life where you're like normal people are like oh look there's a problem coming

I'll walk away I'm like what if it's funny it drives Jade up the fucking wall like last year I had one of the worst years of my life

like on a personal level career wise absolute fire mate but on a personal level just shit kept going wrong and every time something else went wrong Jade was like

doesn't seem to really be affecting you that much and I'm like because I know the way comedy works and my career will inversely benefit from shit times if i have a horrible year then the fucking the raw material that i'll get out of that is going to be fire even in individual circumstances like i remember being

in huddersfield gigging which that's bad enough in it that's why i'm putting in so much energy to this podcast because what I want this to be, this podcast, I'm enjoying the pod. I'm enjoying the prospect of this pod doing so well I don't have to do Huddersfield. No, I'm only messing. Hey, Hud.

Hud. I'm joking. I love Huddersfield. I've got a long affinity with Huddersfield because I host their annual Freshers' Week gig. So I love gigging in Huddersfield. So any Huddersfield people listening... The Lawrence Batley Theatre is the one I've done a few times.

That's where they host it? That's where they host the student gig? All right, can we backtrack? We're doing a live show in Huddersfield. Fucking hell. My Garage, Donny Dome, Huddersfield. And the thank you, the shutdown thank you. But yeah, I drove down the street it was a Saturday evening and there was some fucking football malarkey going on

Huddersfield town must have been playing one of the other Yorkshire people that they hate and there was like I think it was football hooliganism. So I drove down the street. It was like, all of a sudden, there's like 12 lads on one side, eight on the other. They're shouting. A fucking bottle goes. And I was like, oh, shit. And I started reversing a little bit. And then I reversed a bit and went, oh, fuck.

Shit, something funny might happen. And I actually drove back to where I was. I was like, God, this. You risked your no claims bonus for the joke. I need an anecdote. Oh, my days. So bad. How are you feeling, man?

I'm really, really, really starting to miss comedy and to the point where the other night, I didn't live stream a gig, but I went on Instagram Live and on Instagram Live, I did a live q a with like as many followers as wanted to get involved and jade could hear it from the other room and in the end she come in and she was like will you stop being a fame whore just because you're missing your gigs you don't need the instant validation of all your followers i was like yes i fucking. Get out the fucking room. So I just did a Q&A, yeah. Stop ruining my Instagram live.

Be more supportive. How embarrassing is that? Because she's going to do a Q&A. Fuck off, babe. Babe. Yeah, sorry. What was that? What did you say?

Darling, I'll do the washing up later. Fuck's sake. Do you know what? I'm almost certain you were watching because that's almost identical to a conversation we have. She's like, you haven't done these trays in the kitchen you said you'd do the bacon trays

and the and the roasting tins the massive Adam I don't want to clean a fucking roasting tin because you've had gammon in it can we not have this dispute just when

fucking loads of people aren't watching I don't get Instagram but I think it's partly because I've only seen because you're 109 years old because I'm 109 years old,

and my telephone doesn't have a screen. Hello? Hello? Chester's... Operator? Operator? Well, I think partly the reason I don't get it is because I've never seen anything I like on it,

because all Laura watches is boring mums and wives go, Hi, guys. Had something really interesting happen when I was at, just been to Dunelm to replace the light shade that I was telling you about. And I'm like, oh, Laura, these fucking bitches are dry. These are some dry bitches. She's like, oh, it's Greg Rutherford's girlfriend. I don't give a fuck.

Who's Greg Rutherford? I don't know. I don't give a shit about Greg R rutherford never mind his fucking missus hi guys me again um we decided to decorate the spare room and do you never think so like if if have a word does take off and we become super famous from it right do you not see yourself ever being an influencer when you're just on camera like guys hey this is an aloe vera clean and if you're bald this is really good for your head you just rub it on your head oh totally i think as we've proved adam with a patreon out of nowhere and now two or three sponsors we are for sale so if someone goes down if you go on instagram and talk bullshit we'll give you money i'll be like I'll dance for your fucking money because I'm a hooah.

I'll do a Q&A with my fucking nipples out. You can sponsor each nipple. This nipple is brought to you by Johnson's Paint. This nipple is brought to you. The least Instagram shit ever. This is a millennium lube. It's actually a gay lube. They listen to the podcast and know I'm a world-class wanker.

My masturbation crosses over different boundaries of society. Gay, straight, bi. You can use it in your house. You can use it in your garden. You can use it on a bus. Have I ever told you the story about andy watson because i i got oh mate get ready for who the fuck is that guy who the fuck is that andy watson is a uh northwest comedian who started out at the same time as me he's think

he's a he's sort of like a ginger lee evans sex pest like and that's honestly that noise it's about 30 of the noises you make. Can I just say to anyone listening, your imagination is serving you correctly. Because what he's just said, whatever you're imagining right now, a gingerly Evan sex pest, picture that. Right now, imagine he works in Specsavers.

That's Andy Watson. He works in Specsavers. Damn good at it, actually. And he does comedy as well. So he basically does both. And he is a little wanker. I mean, he's married. He's got a wife.

Dirty wanker. Just like... I went and did a gig in Birmingham. This is back in the day, like 15 years ago. Gigged at the Birmingham Glee and there was a guy called Michael that worked there who was gay he was about 25 but had the air of like a 55

year old Viscount like, hello darling how are you? I'm Michael, I'll be running the show today, I was like, how fucking old are you? He's like, I'm 24 Anyway, we were having a conversation and I don't know how we got onto wanking. Because it's you. Every conversation you have

turns to wanking within five minutes. They basically mention it and then he was like, he just took it in his stride. He was like, what are you using? I was like, my hand. He was like, no, I mean, what do you use as lube? I was like, my hand? He was like, no, I mean, what do you use as lube?

I was like, I don't. Do you never spit on it? Do you never spit on your hand? Only when I'm feeling really dirty. Hang over wank that. Spit on your hand. I don't want to hear about your hang over wanks. I talk about wanking all the time.

Your hang over wanks are brutal. Spit on your hand. Little finger playing with your own bumhole oh fantastic i overshare and then you have to take it further now you know what your imagination about a little ginger wanker now you've got adam like struggling to find his own little bumhole for a bit of ass play with me little team exams iex arms and me fat ass could you stop playing with your fucking bumhole mate do the washing up with your little T-Rex washing up

I can't get to the bottom of the yeah I love a little spit on the Andy go stop talking about that you dirty man anyway let me tell you about Gay Loop so he was like oh you've got to come to Clone Zone with me tomorrow so i let a gay man take me to a gay shop clone zone now say what you want about the gays well don't because it's a hate crime but i tell you what the gays know right down there ali what do they know poppers give them that they know bummers you know about bummers yeah obviously sucking dick sit shut up dancing sequins gay clubs yeah right they also know if you're gonna and they also know breathing adam

but they know they know lube they know fucking lube yeah well that's also under the umbrella of bumming in it eskimos ice no no it's lubes not just for bumming It's for No but it's under the umbrella Like if you know about bumming You know about lube This is how much of a child I am In my head I can just see two men Bumming under an umbrella Wet dogging

Yeah because if you If you bum That new song Wet dogging Gonna go dogging In the rain Adam and Dan. Wet dogging. Gonna go dogging in the rain. Adam and Dan playing a dogging game. Wet dogging.

I'm not doing it with you. I'm not wet dogging with you, mate. You're my business partner, not my wet dogging babe. If you're going to stick your willy in a bum, you really need to know lube, don't you? So the heteros, what do they know about lube? You go to Tesco, they've got this Durex shit that dries out in two seconds

and then you're spitting on your hand like a hungover animal. Like a West Derby animal. However, the gays have got Millennium Lube. Unbefucking leaveable. It's about 20 quid. It's shaped like a dildo, which I only

realised afterwards. I was like, this is expensive. Once you put it up your arse and you were like, that's a good fit. Honestly. And I never saw it again. Michael was like, honestly, it'd be the best money you've ever spent.

I was like, oh, I didn't want to be, I didn't want to go with a gay man to a gay shop and then be like, I can't afford it. You can't go with a gay man to buy gay lube from a gay shop and him give you a perfect product and go don't fancy it it's a waste a waste of a day i was looking to spend eight pounds so i spent 20 quid on this shit got it back to the hotel room had my first gay lube wank oh my god it would have been the difference. This is the difference. Like driving a Citroen Saxo, banged out, piece of shit.

And then someone going, have you sat in this Rolls Royce and had a ride around? It felt so good. And anyway, took it back to Manchester. Was living with Andy Watson at the time with a load of comedians. I was like, Andy, you have got to try this Millennium Lube. And he's the biggest wanker i've ever met he's like i was like honestly just doing the analogy sitch and saxo to rolls royce i might try it goes and gets himself some millennium lube after about two days of non-stop like rolls royce

wanking he comes out he's like it's amazing isn't it? It just glides. It never dries. It never dries. Because it's got silicone in it. It never dries. He wanked so much for a fortnight. My bottle lasted me months. He got through it in nearly a week and a half. He's like, it's just, it's changed everything.

It never dries because it's got silicone in it. It's phenomenal. It's changed everything.'s got silicon in it. Everything. Phenomenal. It's changed everything. This is the best bit. I've got a better relationship with me dad, with me mum. I'm a better person, Daniel. You've changed everything. The flowers seem more colourful. I'm the me I've always wanted to be.

He then, this is the best bit, was using it so much, got so excited, he knocked the bottle over in his little fucking rented shared house room onto cheap laminate floor. So this silicone never drives gay lube. He didn't realise because he was mid-like fucking Rolls-Royce wank. Looked down and the Millennium Lube made a little puddle on his laminate floor.

He's like, oh, no. Tried to clean it, but he's a 25-year-old knobhead, so he's not cleaned it properly. You can't clean gay lube off laminate floor. That's a soundbite. You need to edit that out, and that needs to go on the soundbite. You can't clean gay lube off laminate floor. Honestly, any gays that are listening will be like,

oh, babe, tell me about it. It was right next to his bed, and it was right next to his door. He never, we were there for another year and a half in that shared house. He couldn't, it was so funny. You'd just hear it randomly of an afternoon, just him walking around, and then all of a sudden like, ah, fucking hell. Every time he put his foot in it it just went whoosh it was amazing oh phenomenal gonna put a wet floor sign up in your own bedroom because she's such a dirty please mind the floor

phenomenal i'm gonna permanent can you get that on Amazon Prime? A wank slip. I am. Adam, I really think you're going to struggle to get that as a... What is it? Amazon's gone down to like just not emergencies. What do I mean? What word do I mean? Essential items. Essentials. Well, I've ordered an exercise bike from Amazon Prime and that's on its way.

Yeah, but you could just tweet a selfie with the order. They'd be like, yeah, that's essential. Let's get there. I'm going to put an exercise bike in the living room now to get a bit of exercise. I want to come out of this shredded, mate. When we do this live show for our Patreon people, I want to be fucking buff.

What? I want to get Millennium Lube as a sponsor of this podcast. I've just decided. Free lube for everyone. Let's email them. As soon as we're done recording, I'm going to find their email and I'm going to email them. I swear to God.

It worked with Beer52. By the way, big shout out to everyone who signed up to the Beer52. It got a really good response to that. Thank you so much to everyone who's supporting our sponsors because they're supporting us in turn. It's hugely appreciated. Just wanted to... Beer52.com slash word.

B-E-E-R-5-2.com slash W-O-R-D. And if you've not been enjoying your wanks recently, just hold on a little bit because Adam's got his corporate fucking fingers out and he'll be typing away. Yeah, don't be older than Millennium Lube until we've got a link for you and they'll slide us a few away. Yeah, don't be ordering a Millennium Lube until we've got a link for you and they'll

slide us a few dollars. Oh, jeez. I can't wait to see you on a little fucking... Are you going to be doing the videos for the podcast on a... So you're getting...

Now, people can't see you because we're not... On your cross trainer. I haven't ordered a cross trainer. I've ordered an exercise bike. It's just a bike. What?

Peloton? What? A Peloton. I don't know what this... Is that like a Penny. What? Peloton? What? A Peloton. I don't know what this... Is that like a Penny Farthen? No, I'm about to school you, motherfucker. I'm going to tell you about something that's happening in the modern world that you don't know about.

Adam Rowe's got a horse and cart in his living room. An exercise horse. He just sits on it. It just plays a clippity clop sound. Are you enjoying yourself? I've never. Enjoying yourself? I've never.

Enjoying yourself? Are you enjoying yourself? I've never. Because I know something you don't, motherfucker. I've never seen you look this smug. This is the first time it's happened. Ten years of knowing you, I've never seen this face. Keep trying to share about horse and cart.

You know what face you're showing now? It's like I've just put four aces down in a game of cards, but you've got a fucking flush coming, like a straight flush. This is how pleased I am. It feels like you're giving me shit, but I know I've put Millennium Lube on your laminate floor upstairs, and I'm just waiting for you to go upstairs and fall on your fucking smug little arse.

Go on, Daniel. Tell us about your thing. Peloton is basically a linked-up exercise bike. And it's how we're talking now over Zoom. There's a screen and there's an instructor shouting shit at like 3,000 people from around the world who are all doing a spin class at the same time. No, I'm not, no.

I would love to see a recording of you doing Peloton with some guy called Chad in America. Like, okay, Adam wrote comedy. You're last at the moment, Adam. And according to your heart monitor, you stopped breathing, okay? Okay, I can just see a rapper. I don't know where that rep,

it says Greg, Greg, Gregs. I don't know where that rep it says greg greg gregs i don't know what is it greg adam are you there you it's a steak bait flying all over i'm absolutely not doing that i want to exercise on my own. Just get on my bike, hour a day, while I'm doing some emails or something. If this podcast gets really big, we could have a Peloton Have A Word special where people who listen get on the bikes and you're the instructor.

Me. Just sat. Just sat, not cycling. Have a break. Have a break. Go and have a cup of tea and a can of and have a cup of tea and a can of Coke. A cup of tea and a can of Coke. Same time.

Woo! Do you know what's mad? What I've seen before. You know the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which takes place in August every year in Edinburgh, in caves that harbour diseases. It's the Black Death. Yeah, literally.

Like, for those who don't know, Edinburgh is a built-up city. So when the plague went round the world, the bubonic and the pneumonic plague, and it killed so many people, they literally just built a new city on top of the old city of Edinburgh. So the old Edinburgh is below the new one and that the

below bit is where the edinburgh festival essentially takes place that's why it stinks that's why it's smelly it's because the those there's literally bodies in the walls of a lot of the venues at the edinburgh festival it's an absolute playground for viruses and they still they're the last one they haven't cancelled the festival the olympics is gone the premier league's gone the nba is gone the melbourne international comedy festival's gone they've all fucking gone but the edinburgh festival like we're taking it on a day-by-day basis we think it's going to be okay in the high we'd like we'd like to steal from comedians and students like we always have i swear i swear to god i'll be happy if i never did it again yeah i think

they've until they rip it down and stop it being such a fucking ripoff people won't even know about this but the edinburgh festival for comedians it's like a cattle market in it we like it's it's also like every comedian taking the shows the edinburgh festival is like every business that buys like a table at a freshers fair on the first week of university where essentially they're going this is what I do, put me on Mock the Week please give me a tour, put me on Live at the Apollo that's what we go to Edinburgh for

for the industry to see us it costs so much money in fact I want to list what I know that I paid last year and there's other costs on top of this but before you get there and you've got to remember my tickets were £5 in advance or you could come for free what I know that I paid last year, and there's other costs on top of this. But before you get there, and you've got to remember, my tickets were £5 in advance,

or you could come for free, and there was a booker at the end, and you pay what you want. So you're not getting a lot of money for ticket money, right? So my venue to rent for the month, three and a half grand. Me flat, two grand. Flyers, I was paying eight people,

20 quid a day each. That's 160 quid a day for a month. Two grand for me agent to produce me, two and a half grand for PR. PR is essentially to pay a woman to go to newspapers and go, Adam Rose here, go and review it. That's all PR is, isn't it? So you're about 10, 11, 12 grand in the hole before you've gone there.

You've got to try and recruit that back with five pound ticket sales. And you're missing out on not earning any money because you're not doing comedy clubs for that month. It's an absolute ball, but you can get a career out of it, so that's why comedians still go up and risk it.

You can, but you can also win the fucking lottery. Do you know what I mean? It's not like, well, I've spent £16,500 but that's fine because i'm gonna be famous it doesn't work like that you can just be another bellend yeah but can't you oh absolutely because there's 10 000 shows and only about four people every year get sort of picked from obscurity and i just want to use the internet to talk bollocks to my mate have

people listen to it and potentially get free lube out of it. That's the dream. That's the dream. That's the dream that Martin Luther King has. I have a dream. I want to talk to my friend on the internet and get free lube for it. And also

if black and white people can and also if black and white people can maybe get along at some point, that wouldn't be too bad either. But the dream is free lube for chatting shit. And if... Do you know, you just reminded me of when I was last in Edinburgh. I was up there with an Irish comic called Queave MacDonald.

If you try and spell Queave without knowing, it's C-A-I-M-H. He told me a story when he was at a gig once and someone tried to call him over by shouting, If you try and spell Queave without knowing, it's C-A-I-M-H. He told me a story when he was at a gig once and someone tried to call him over by shouting, Comf, Comf, Comf. Anyway, Queave McDonald is from a part of Ireland where they can't say the letter R. They say or. So he decided that he was going to do PR differently.

He was going to pay 100 quid to anyone that reviewed him. Instead of paying someone two grand to a PR person who's just trying to get your reviews, he'd pay 100 pounds to anyone that just came to review him. No, it wasn't that. Or give it to charity. It was, I'll give 100 quid to charity for everyone who reviews me. So he wasn't bribing people.

He wasn't like, I'll give you money. Good shout. It was, it'll go to charity charity um yeah i think that's an important distinction queaves queaves a good mate of mine and we've just been emailing with him at the moment and he's gone into writing it's brilliant but he can't say the letter r he says or so because he'd done this thing he's the first person to do it it's quite inventive he was always talking about pr but it was po and when you're in edinburgh you're in a bit of a bubble that started driving me fucking mental he was one of he's one of the nicest guys to be around i got to the point where i wanted to scream he was just like oh it's i tell you what about pr i just i don't know what i've done but this PR that I've done you know I've got this idea and I just think this is

the way forward with PR and every time he said it I wanted to go what so it sounded like PR what PR what PR what PR shout out to Queev shout out to Queev we should do that actually because

Queev's a good lad he doesn't do that actually because Queev's a good lad he doesn't do stand up anymore because he's become a really successful author he's got a series of books I believe the first one it might be the second one is called

A Man With One Of Those Faces but it's a series of books C-A-I-M-H and then McDonald's spelled normally Cumpf McDonald's Cumpf McDonald's go and check

if you're looking for books, I'm almost certain they're all on Audible and the Amazon thing as well, so you can get them fairly cheap. Go and support Queef McDonald because he deserves it. Yes, bruv. Shall we crack on? Shall we carry on with our podcast, Daniel?

I hope we get Millennium Lou sponsorship. Let's do some features baby Feature me baby I don't know about you but I'm feeling triggered It must be have a word With Adam and Dave We've got a ledge of the day from Dan Evans Yes love ledge of the day

What's happening Lids Love that Lids is really becoming Part of our MO What's happening Lids got a legend of the day for you. Everyone thinks about the nurses and the doctors in these times with the clap off and everything. But the clap off, like it was a fucking new art competition.

Who's the best nurse? Everyone thinks about nurses and doctors in these times. But my uncle has to manage four dickheads in the warehouse for the Royal Aussie. Is that the hospital? That's the Royal Hospital. So in Liverpool for hospital. We're very busy people, Dan.

So we shorten our words. So hospital becomes Aussie. McDonald's becomes Mackey's. Asda becomes the Asda. Dan Evans' uncle, he has to work from eight to eight every day uh and he says he'd love it if he was the legend of the day because he absolutely deserves it and i think that's a fair one isn't it what gets forgotten when we're clapping for the nhs it's not just doctors and nurses it's everyone around the nhs not just the people who volunteered which is incredible the people

who've come back from retirement to help out. I think right now... It's also the people making it, or the people mopping up and fucking dealing with the biochemical hazards. I think right now,

me and you should do a five-second clap, and I think all of our listeners should join in. And this is for everyone who didn't get the clap the other day. Everyone who didn't get clapped.

So this is for people like him. I'll let you clapped. This is for people like him. I'll let you the day. This is for people who are working in Asda and Tesco, dealing with cunts being aggressive to them. They all deserve a clap as well. Anyone who's still in work, who's become a key worker, this five seconds is for you. Let's go. It sounds like I'm wanking. Yeah, that sounded like a really aggressive wank, didn't it?

Like a real slapper. Sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. That's disgusting. I'm not here for this. Sounds like I need lube. Guys. Why are you making our podcast filth?

Well, are you ready for some more filth? Because we had a juicy email. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. There's a community who is being completely ignored in all this shit someone we haven't just clapped for yeah a new community oh okay no sympathy or lovely theater adam because i know you've read this email no sympathy or fucks are being given it's the poor unfortunates who are in open relationships oh i actually forgot about this sorry yeah no no i have read this yeah it's the poor unfortunates who are in open

relationships and can't see their bit on the side the poor swingers who can't get jigging anymore in their local swingers club and the serial cheaters who can no longer work late in the office not only are these people having to tolerate their partners and kids in day day day in day out they are also greatly missing what makes life fucking exciting for them love from and this is in quotation marks pam oh my god i can't believe i forgot about this it doesn't get talked about a lot does it Pam Because it's basically being a dirty shaggy But no it can't be easy Because all of a sudden

You can't slide into someone's DM's And do something about it Do you know anyone who's in an open relationship Apart from Pam Yeah I know a few shaggers Do you You know a few people who are just like look

we're married we've got kids and we're together and i love you but you go and fuck who you want i'll go and fuck who i want no i probably don't know about those because the the woman would be like yeah but he'll probably try it on um uh no i don't i do in the gay in the gay community i know it's a little bit more open. More liberal. They're more liberal. Yeah because especially if it's men because they're like because gay or not you're still like I love that this email got sent in

I love that clearly Pam and what's really funny is we both know who it is and it's not Pam because this is a long time, this is one of our biggest fans I love that she's like I need some dick baby

my husband dick not good enough I'm bored of that dick I want my side dick I want the dick that comes on the side of the plate of a family and a life I want my onion ring dick I want my pepper cone sauce with my stick where's my side dick mama needs a little bit of sizzle yeah i uh i suppose you're not

gonna give a load of sympathy are you because you're like you're fine you're all right you could just gonna have to have a little one and it's not really about the dick i think it's about the thrill of just you know know, getting out there. I'm speaking out of fucking hand, really, because I don't know. And also, I know Laura's going to be listening. She's like, how is it? How is it again? I'm like, it's awful, love.

It's awful. Just awful. But, Pam, good on you, mate. Enjoy your life. But, no, disgusting. And that's not what I want. No, I've got really fast broadband for a reason. I don't know which one's Pam, a swinger?

Has she got a side piece? Or is she going to full-on swingers clubs? Because if she is... I reckon she's a swinger, Pam. From what it says, I reckon... I reckon Pam Likes a little Keys in a bowl party And you're like

Oh you picked the Ford Fiesta That's mine Let's go to the Ford upstairs Gutted You can park In my garage

Got the fucking Citroen Saxo Swingers clubs though Where Where's the Swingers club Where's she from Could you

Where's Pam from Because if it's Wigan I don't want to go to a fucking swingers club yeah all right honestly every time you do a wiggin accent it's like they've got no teeth yeah because i'm allowed to be racist about people from wiggin because they're white in your head from now on every time you do a Wigan impression I'm going to picture them as Bangladeshi

alright welcome welcome to Wigan Swingers Club you know when you do a shit gig and they're like yeah it's usually

busier oh you should have seen it last month they'll be like that at the Wigan Swingers Club alright let's say

I've got a hypothetical for you there's usually less people with, you know, the limbs missing. There's usually more teeth than people. I'm really sorry that that ratio is out of whack this week. This five-circuit clap is for you, Adam. I'm sorry.

We've got 18 people and nine teeth. That's the sound of the back room at the Wigan Swingers Club oh no Brian and Maureen going at it they're both big people

hypothetical for you right Laura's dead sorry about that sorry for your loss right or she's divorced you're one of the two

dead to me and you meet a new partner, right? Yeah. You fell for her. Yeah. You're like, oh my God, I really like her. She's Pam.

She's sexy. She's Pam. Yeah. She's a friend of Pam's. Oh, yeah. She's into the old swinging. Oh, yeah. Could you do that?

Oh, yeah. I'd let her go whenever she wants. I want some fucking peace and quiet if i go no if i got second time around oh i'm not getting involved i'm busy i've got shit to do i've got millennium lube for a reason i'm not sharing it if i get married second time around and she's kinky she can go and do what she fucking wants as long as i get to watch sky sports you're not asked at all go for it but like what if she's like look i need you to get it'll be it'll be sexy for me to watch you fuck a woman would you get involved but you've got to watch her fuck a man as well but it's easy to say yes

isn't it because it's a hypothetical and i'm not like emotionally involved with this person so i'm like yeah fuck it because she's just an idea in my head she's just did you just ruin a hypothetical by going well it's never gonna happen so i'll just no no no what i'm saying is it's easy to say yes but i was just gonna qualify it with the reality is that when you love someone you sort of want to smother them and keep them from being touched by anyone else don't you that's part of loving it i love you so much now i'm gonna keep you to myself and fucking hoard you which is essentially a so much now i'm going to keep you to myself and fucking hoard you which is essentially a western relationship and i'm like come here yeah uh but i i like the idea

of being into it but i i'd be more into second wifey round i want uh to be like i'm into this what do you think i'd like well i'd like a saturday to myself so enjoy yourself love and here's some colgate give that to the fuckers at the wig and swingers club oh it's like mints in your mouth i've never used this before minty cream it's like a liquid polo it's a polo that you can brush onto your face it's like munty sweeties but oh dear well pam i'll tell you this love You're a fucking legend and we love you. And thank you for sending in. We're sorry that you and your community not getting quite as much dick variation,

but I hope you're still getting some. Who's having an affair though these days? How'd you do it? How'd you do it? If you're being cheated on and you get fat it gets found out you basically i'm sure you've been essentially complicit in the lie because with whatsapp with wi-fi hotspots 4g 5g facebook messenger text message fucking find a friend how do you get i'm not asking because i'd like to find out. It's like a hypothetical.

How do you get away with that shit? Like, if someone's like, yeah, you work late. Oh, yeah, there's no phones at work. That's why it never rings. Like, oh, fuck off. You dumb, dumb. What are you doing? That's a real casualty of modern technology

is people who are shagging behind their wife's back. Pre-1990? I'd have three mistresses. Why not? Well, there's loads of reasons why not. Yeah, morally. This is... I'm the son of a shagger, and

that kind of behaviour done fucked up a whole family, so I should probably be knowing that, because when I said pre-90s, I'm basically describing my dad, who was a nasty old player was he really oh mate your dad was the players go and play what i would say is pam um thanks for getting in touch and if you are sort of like if porn's not doing it for you because you've only got one dick in your life now i assume your husband's i assume you've got one dick. If you do need a bit of variation from someone you can

relate to, Dan accidentally sent me one of his dick pics last week and I'm happy to share that with you for a couple of quid. So if you just send me a couple of quid I'll give you a picture of Dan's dick and you can just use that for an imagination wank. Yeah, only if she's a Patreon though. Yeah.

Imagine if that's the Patreon content. This is a picture of each of our dicks. We'd make more be like, if you don't sign up for the Patreon, we'll send you a picture of the dicks. Once you've signed up, no dick pics. How's that? We've got a drunk story from Sam Maguire.

And it's meant to be a hangover story, but this creeps into a drunk story. From Sam Maguire. This was meant to be a hangover story but this creeps into a drunk story from Sam Maguire this was about 10 years ago now went out with my mates into town found a club with ATP drinks and can't remember anything past 11pm woke up the next day

oh it is a hangover story woke up the next day in my friend's parents caravan what? on a caravan site with some fucking travelers oh do you like dogs that would be brilliant do you like sambucas you're in fucking you're in um they had stored it in their back garden. Anyway, woke up with a bright blue foot. That is one of the most perfect sentences.

Anyway, woke up with a bright blue foot. Full stop. Caravan floor had blue footprints throughout. Found my mate asleep in a different part of the caravan and he had blue hands can i just say now if anyone if any like movie directors from hollywood are listening to this and they're um they're like oh my god that's defo the plot for the hangover 4 at this stage and cause we're reading it out it's actually our intellectual property it doesn't even belong to

sam anymore because he's given us it for free so if you want to make the hangover 4 with this story thus far you need to get in touch with have a word pod at gmail.com he's given us it for free. So if you want to make the hangover fall with this story thus far, you need to get in touch with haveawaredpod at gmail.com. Also, Sam McGuire knows how to tell a story because he's basically left us on a cliffhanger and then into the next paragraph. So you know those toilet cleaners

you stick to the side of the loo and it makes the water blue? They had that in their toilet. Apparently, I got my foot stuck in the toilet and my mate had that in their toilet. Apparently, I got my foot stuck in the toilet, and my mate had to help me free. So they've literally got one of them with a blue foot, one of them with blue hands,

and they have no memory of this, but they woke his sister up at four in the morning playing the Smurfs theme song. Good on you, Sam. Oh, that's a belter. Sam McGuire, a football journalist, and a good guy. Go follow him on Twitter and all. Right, let's have a word from our sponsors.

Let's have a word from our sponsors before we have a word with you and your friends. It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors. The original gangster sponsor, Vauxhall Comedy Club, is proud to present Bottomless Booze Comedy every Friday and Saturday night, coming back some point soon. Hopefully. Possibly.

This frankly bonkers offer gives you 90 minutes of comedy from top-circuit TV comics, as well as 90 minutes of bottomless booze from just £25. That's bottomless beer, wine, cider and hand sanitizer for just £25. Spirit and Mixer bottomless tickets start at £35 and entry-only tickets for the straight-laced purists start at £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is normally open Monday to Saturday

and is also right next to Vauxhall Street Food Gardens. Loads of really good street food vendors. That's open Monday till Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable future. But instead, follow them on social media and sign up to the mailing list and then they'll announce their triumphant return.

Hopefully fucking soon. Mailing list is voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, at voxhallcomedy on Twitter, voxhallcom Comedy Club on Facebook. The show is 18+, no ID, no entry, and we operate a challenge 25-door policy. What up?

For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse, choose Vauxhall Comedy. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems that you have with your friends. God almighty. What's the matter? I'm going to have to have a word with... Never mind, go on.

Why are you always whinging about me singing? Why are you always singing? Because it's important. People like it. No one likes it. Have you got one tweet about it? I'll tell you then. I'll do a Twitter poll today.

Do you like Adam singing or do you want him to stop? Whatever wins They're just going to say yes to piss me off I can feel it That means they like it enough That they'd rather piss you off than it not happen No they don't like it They don't like the singing

They just prefer pissing me off Singing shit but I really like winding old Dave up Yeah but then That's still part of them liking it. That's part of the reason I do it, is to wind you up. Yeah, fair play. So there you go. So Twitter poll incoming, and we'll see who wins.

Just email the lube company. Make daddy happy. A little bit of slapping. So, we've got a domestic dispute that is a have a word. Ooh, juicy. Do you know what I mean? Yes, queen. So, all right.

You're very coffee there, Adam, now. You're very coffee. I'm just clearing my throat. It's not the brona. It's very dusty in here, okay? I haven't got it. I haven't. I haven't got it.

I have not got it. No, I haven't got it I have not got it No no no I am very well I am well in myself Go fuck yourself Go fuck you Fuck your dad Fuck your mother

Fuck your grandmother Fuck Laura Fuck the baby Fuck everybody I am fine Fuck your bitch on the side Fuck Pam Go on

I love doing the accents. Love Jodie. Really good Jodie, mate. Hello, I'm Chris Ramsey. Day nine in the big brother house. Fuck on the tiniest of mine on mine. All right, lads. Can you have a word with my missus Not the whole thing though Adam

I have We've all had fun There is a threshold And I think we're close to the threshold I have been home in full For one whole day Without leaving the house And by the end of it

We had a blazing row because I did I did there's a lot of people get touchy on behalf of Newcastle because I have

apparently not been around her enough and I have been avoiding her in our own house I'm not concentrating on what's being said because all I'm here

is the Geordie racism would you like me to start again and use my natural voice I'm not concentrating on what's being said because all I'm hearing is the Geordie racism. Would you like me to start again and use my natural voice? For the love of God. Please. Funny. All right, lads. Can you have a word with my missus?

I've been at home in full for one whole day without leaving the house. This is the first day I've been home all day. And by the end of it, we've been at home in full for one whole day without leaving the house. This is the first day I've been home all day. And by the end of it, we've had a blazing row because I have apparently not been around here enough and I've been avoiding it. How am I doing that in our own house? We only live in a little three bedroom house with a small back garden. How the fuck am I avoiding it? As far as I'm concerned, I've just been keeping busy and getting shit done around the house while catching up

with your podcasts. We've got a five-year-old and a two-year-old, so it's been absolutely manic over the past few weeks. But surely, if we're in the same room together all fucking day,

every fucking day, we're going to end up hating each other. On another note, absolutely loving the podcast. The story about the lad keeping the other lad's granddad's trousers

really made me laugh more than I thought was possible. Keep up the good work, lads. This is from James Wildman from Plymouth. So he wants us to have a word with his baby, his baby mama, because she's being a bit clingy. What do you reckon? On your side here, James.

I'm on your side. You have to give each other a bit of fucking space. It's not like that. When we gig for a while, you know what it's like. When you gig for a while, you gig seven nights on the bounce. It's important because I like Laura as much as I give a stick on here, and I know you like Jade. Well, love, sorry.

Hang on, let me just rewind. I love Laura. You love Jade. Just going to edit that out. As a friend. As a friend. As a friend. But if you don't sit down that night and be, you can't just be like,

oh, night off, I'm going to play FIFA all night. You've got to be like, do you want to get some food together, babe? Do you maybe want to watch something? Yeah. Let's watch a bit of Netflix. But that, those rules are out of the fucking window. They've just literally announced that this shutdown could

be till june buckle up motherfuckers they've said it might be six months actually i love it how just you know yesterday when i had a stress headache it's that shit that is not helping i felt like a tangled knot help me loosen it by not saying we'll get to september when we get to june but if even if it is even if it is till June that's three months you can't be like where are you going? Where are you babe?

Where are you? I'm fucking in my house with you again. Fuck off. Also You've got to lay each other just lits into a pod. Have a wank quietly.

Just separate times. They've got a five year old and a two year old which must take up all the fucking live long day between sorting the house out and having two kids. This is a fucking stressful household. It's stressful

enough in our house when me and Jade are trying to figure out who's fucking going to play with the dog for half an hour. Never mind having someone going, Daddy, why is the sky blue? Why are clouds real? Who are you? Where's Grandad? Why haven't I seen Grandad for a while? Why has it been six years? Where's the dog? Why can't I go to school? Why school why can't i go to school daddy do you have a willy like me do you have a vagina like the baby which one have you got what is your favorite would you rather

have a penis or a vagina do you wee out of your bum hole or do you wee like i wee your babe the child started going more and more northern irish through that do you be daddy daddy do you be do you believe in a unified island you've got a strangely sectarian baby yeah totally what we do one of the best bits of advice and this is a sort of serious note i got from a mate when i became a dad and i thought he was going to be another person going it is the best thing you will ever do and you have never known love like you about to know you're like everyone says that shit he took me aside and, tag each other the fuck out. He went, for the love of Christ, don't think you have to do everything with the baby together.

Tag your wife out, go, darling, go upstairs, have a sleep, go and watch a fucking film, go on the gram, hear people talking boring shit about Greg Rutherford. Just let each other have that time. Because if you're there trying to do kids together you're just basically you're like colleagues you're just co-workers at the fucking baby company so it's the same

in the shutdown go and just tag each other in for things and tag each other out more now than ever like James would 100% put you on this one lads and get your beard to listen to this and say look the lads are on board with me because you need a bit of space, me and Jade were talking about this yesterday, we've done so well to have, we have a couple of

hours each day where we're playing with the dog we're going to watch something on the telly, we're going to have a nice little time and the rest of it, she fucks off into one room and I fuck off into another, I've been playing so much FIFA, this is how sound Jade's been, if I'm playing FIFA and she needs to come downstairs where I'm playing it, she waits before she walks in front of the telly.

I've got her fucking trained. She's fucking wonderful. She's like, I'll wait until it goes out of play because I don't want to ruin your game. Do you want a cup of tea, babe? Here's a cup of tea. We're getting on. I love slagging Jade off. It's funny as fuck, but we're getting on like a house on fire. She's feeling it. Angel! An angel!

And James Wildman's wife is being a twat! Get her to listen to this. I don't use that word lightly. Your wife is being a twat. A twat fuck. She's a fucking twat, twat, twat, fuck, twatty twat, fuck, fuck. She's a twat. She's not being a cunt.

Not just yet. I'm not going to go that strong. But she is being a twat. Right. And also, just be careful. Back me up, Dan. No, you've gone too far mate you've taken all of your usual anger that you take out on jade and just because she's being nice about your fucking football game you're like no jade's an angel actually i know a whinge about her but she's pausing before she walks in front of my tv but uh poor old james's missus when you're like j get to listen to this James don't just know that you're right because if you get called

the twat fuck on a popular podcast na na na na na na na na your bit is a twat is a twat your bit is a twat I think this could make the shutdown longer

for James na na na na na na na your bit is a twat not a cunt your bit is a twat and his Northern Irish baby like I will not relinquish me

right to shit on the landing Your beard is a twat And his Northern Irish baby Like I will not relinquish my right To shit on the landing That's my Northern Irish accent It's actually your best one I think I think that's your best Your best one Thank you Thank you

I actually quite like Doing a camp Northern Irish Like oh my god I've had my troubles, I tell you that. Do Bain, but in that accent. So say, you think darkness is your ally with that. What, camp Northern Irish? Yeah, if Bain was from Northern Ireland.

All right. You think darkness is your ally. You merely adopted the dark. I was burning it, raised on it. Darkness is your ally. You merely adopted the dark. I was burning it, raised on it. I didn't see the light till I was... Now say, perhaps he's wondering

why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane. Perhaps he's wondering why he would shoot a man before throwing him out of a gay club Do you want to hear my version of that? I've heard millennium loop I fucking

I am millennium loop Ready? Northern Irish pain So you think darkness is your ally You merely adopted the dark I was born in it Molded by it Perhaps he's wondering Why someone would shoot a man adopted the dark. I was born in it. Molded by it.

Perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane. Yeah. I think that's... Belfast. Very Belfast. No, I'm going to pull you up on that. I think that was more London Derry Derry. Okay, just to get in there.

I'm from Derry City. I do not recognize the Buddha. So, weirdly, anyone listening in Ireland, I'm aware that we're trouncing all over some quite important issues, like having a good time, though. So do listen. Keep listening. Oh, yeah.

We're on his side, aren't we? Yeah. We are. You've got to just get through this how you get through it. Yeah. Your beard's a swat. Remember that. Just trying to...

Adam, you're going so hard line. She is, though. She's being a swat. I haven't met this woman. And thank fucking Christ. Do you know what we are doing, though? We're all eating together, and it's so nice. Because I'm so used to being like, I'm just like... Do you know what we are doing, though? We're all eating together, and it's so nice,

because I'm so used to being like, I'm just like, just jamming things in my foot before I drive to some shit gig. And then all of a sudden we're like, what should we have for tea tonight? And me, Laura, and my brother-in-law are all sat down having food. It's like, oh my God, this is fucking lovely. It's obviously, if it's still going in September, there might be a murder. I'm going to have a sausage on toast

after this that's what I'm going to go and make as soon as after this sausage on toast buddy yeah on my own

Jade's out walking the dog because I'm podding is that are you not doing what are you never mind about

buying a fucking exercise bike why don't you just what exercise are you doing Adam walking the dog an hour a day alright fair enough you're really doing it yeah Never mind about buying a fucking exercise bike. Why don't you just... What exercise are you doing, Adam? Walking the dog. An hour a day. Oh, fair enough.

You really do, innit? Yeah. I do get out there, but I want to do a bit more. I'd actually like to come out of this fitter than I've got into it, which would be an achievement, considering I had another Chinese takeaway last night. I'm doing my bit for the economy, Daniel. It's for my health.

High risk takeaway. No, it's not high risk. What are you talking about? Stop being racist. Could you just do your Northern Irish accent again? Why are you being racist to the Chinese? They are a good people. A very clean, nice people.

They run a great chipay down the road. Salted pepper chicken, prawn toast, chicken and sweet corn soup, and prawn crackers. That's what I had for my dinner. You stop being nasty to the Chinese. What did you have? You're trying to come out of this fitter

and that's what you had for tea? That's what I was saying before. The exercise bike is to offset the amount of Chinese I'm having. Prawn toast is good, but it is dirty, isn't it? It's fried bread prawns. It's fit. Is that our lot?

Yeah. Beautiful, Good work. We've got one more very important thing to do. First of all, another big shout-out to our sponsors, Beer52.com and Vox All Comedy Club. You've been hearing them every day for a week now on this. They're supporting us massively throughout this, and also supporting us is all of our Patreons.

Now, again, if you're just diving into the podcast now and you don't know about this, we've set up a Patreon page, which is supporting, A, the production of the podcast, and B, financially, me and Dan. We're completely out of work. Look, Dan's hoping three months, and I don't want to set his anxiety off. I think it's going to be at least six

that we're fucking stuck indoors and we can't do gigs. Everyone who's on the Patreon, there's three tiers, £3, £5 and £10. Every single one of you are making such a big difference to our lives and our mental health and everything at the minute. Thank you so much. If you're not signed up yet and you can't afford it,

please go and do it. It's patreon.com slash have a word pod. Patreon is spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash have a word pod. Patreon is spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com slash have a weird pod. Now, everyone who signs up to the £10 tier of the Patreon, you're officially a producer of the podcast. That's what we call you. You are one of our producers. We've got a chunk of them. And every single Monday that we're releasing these episodes during the shutdown, we're going to read the list of our Patreon producers, every single one of you. And we love you for this.

Thank you so much. This is the list of our producers who right now are giving a massive help into making this thing happen. Are you ready, Dan? Are you ready? Yeah. It's a long list, man. We've got some great fans.

Fire it, fire it, fire it, fire it. We've got Jamie Moores we've got an anonymous who just doesn't want to be named they're just anonymous we've got

Secret Ledge Aaron Ledbetter Anthony Doran Anthony Wilkinson Benjamin Jake Smith Bunny Whitehead Chris Jones Chris Townsend

Kian O'Connell Colette Hind Damien Rock Dan Thomas Daniel Newman Daniel Pugh, Daniel Gilligan, David Everson, Donatello, Frank Hughes, the Frog and Booker Comedy Club, George, no surname, Glenn Turner,

Jack Rush, Jack Scargill, James Fuchs, Jennifer Ridding, Jess Yarwood, John White, Jordan, no surname, Julie Smith, Kieran Gibson, Kirstie Leonard, Lee Grant, Liam, no surname, Lou Grimes, Mark, with no surname, Mark Cowan, Mark Hollenbach, Matt Delmaine, Matthew Rees, Mike Kivvy, Mike Quirk, Mike Sullivan, Nathan Sharrocks, Owen Badman, Owen Badman. Paul McDonald. Rachel Herron. Rachel Whiteley. Richard Palmer.

Rob Bell. Rob Upton. Russell Waring. Sam Crow. Sammy Taylor. Shane C. Stephen Theobald. Tom Peterson.

And my cousin, Tom Rowe, who's supporting us. That's our Patreon producer list. That's everyone who's on the £10 list. You are absolute icons in our eyes. Thank you so much. We're humbled, blown away by it. And every single person, if you're not on that £10 list,

if you're a £3 or a £5, we understand that's all you can afford. We're just as grateful for you getting involved. Without the lot of you guys, we couldn't be doing this. Now, Dan, would you like me to end the episode with a banging tune baby? Let's do some music here on the end let's have someone else sing for a fucking change

Oh no maybe I'll just sing maybe I'll sing us out Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. I don't mind this one. She was looking like a thumb with a

finger and a thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead. Well, it's not going to it's not going to hit the ground running. I love the thought that someone's turned it off before this bit

because they're like, I'm not fucking listening to him. I think we've lost our chunk of listeners. Do you know the person whose band it is? He's like, dickheads, please don't read out a list of fucking names and then sing before you do our promo. We're not helping the promo. So today's featured band is Mercy States. Mercy.

M-E-R-C-Y. Mercy States. On Facebook, they are Mercy States Band. On Twitter, at Mercy States. On Instagram, at Mercy States. And on Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Music, you can just search Mercy States. Their song is called Soak, and it's an absolute banger. Guys, thank you so much for listening

as always. We'll see you tomorrow. See ya! banger guys thank you so much for listening as always we'll see you tomorrow see ya so I never planned for 25 forever fearful And yet I've survived Another crossroads Another life rose another light I didn't

want her I just want you fell out of love for everything that I

knew my heroes hate me well how about you My heroes hate me Well how about you? Throw me to the water I can't swim

Your hands aren't good enough Well I need you to jump in Or reach the surface Yeah just in time Hold me, stay on mine And I'm on my way to alright I'm on my way to alright I'm on my way to alright

No one detention Yeah, in my mind I'll need a shotgun or some pesticide To keep away from the psycho inside my mind I don't know what it is that makes me need her I'm drinking faster and I'm smoking deeper so I force myself to connect the dots and seek the hero Throw me to the water

I can't swim, your hands aren't good enough I need you to jump in, we'll reach the surface Yeah, just in time, hold me Stay on mine and I'm on my way to alright I'm on my way to alright I'm on my way to alright I'm on my way to alright Yeah guitar solo Outro Music