Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #190 with Doug Stanhope - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hey. Hey. What do you think of my new studio oh my fucking side of my face is all numb don't book in a dentist appointment before a pod why did you do that well i had a dental appointment for july that they cancelled which is their right. They're very busy. And then in that two months,

a bit of my tooth fell off. So that's sort of on them. But then it is also on me for eating and drinking shit, apart from sneak, which is low in sugar and super not bad for your teeth. But everything else,

I ate shit. So yeah, she's done all right. I'm okay. So what did you like done this morning? I feel like I've had a little pop. White fillings, because when it comes to fillings pretty racist yeah uh i only have white fillings they're more expensive aren't they i paid extra for the white one attract attractive uh girls at reception attract because i'm not a drum and bass mc from the late

90s um i don't know if you know that about me but i'm not attractive girls on reception fit and fit um the nurse that was like said hello attractive i know you want to dentist but i've just got to say you would choose a gold tooth you you've got gold teeth vibes yeah like gator that's what your name would be all right cool have a scar there you'd always have a pen knife yeah i reckon you could pull off a gold tooth and a tear drop tattoo yeah this goes with my vibe as a father of two that lives in a village in cheshire yeah they all think i'm a lunatic anyway yeah you'd run the place in fucking two weeks and on the special that i'm going to bring out in january at the end of the recording i'm going to talk about cocaine addiction so my notoriety is going to go up in Sorgel Quite a lot So maybe gold tooth

Maybe start selling coke at the drop off You would be running the gaff in no time What's spinning rims on your Audi? My Audi would suit spinning rims It would Let's gangster Dan up Oh my god Let's drip you up

Drip me up? Sounds like you're going to jizz on me Yeah, fit dentist I don't know if you've ever had a dentist oh she was attractive she is attractive she's great to be fair to them what they've done really well the dental hygienist that works with her you know the one that holds the yeah absolute fucking dinner lady just just as you're about to get an erection like whoa it is an extractive also you know you're talking about power yeah i'll give you this a powerful professional woman i.e a dentist

who's like mate if i do this wrong you're in pain if i do it right you you know we've done a good job she's like sit down and then she's like i don't know if it really balances out preaching this for a long time fucking you've got a fucking absolute textbook Margaret or Linda did you give her feedback audible when she was doing it like

at one point she had a finger in my mouth and it came no she did what she came

no you're being silly aren't you you knew I said I came i didn't no okay um what if that was your thing though i really i was as i was thinking this it's not my thing by the way i was actually trying to avoid her finger do you not like oral pleasure i don't think i don't i'm not sure oral pleasure is what you think it is no stuff in your mouth no i don't mean getting sucked off no if someone would say if a girl says to you adam do you sure oral pleasure is what you think it is. No, it's stuff in your mouth. No. I don't mean getting sucked off. No. If a girl says to you, Adam, do you want oral pleasure?

And then starts fingering your mouth, I think you'd be fuming. I think you'd feel like you've been... Adam, do you want oral pleasure? Yeah, babe, I do. No, do you not like stuff in your mouth? And then start counting your teeth. A, 12, A9, A7. Just start telling someone on the side. What do you like in your mouth? What? What do you like stuff in your mouth? And then start counting your teeth. A, 12, A9, A7.

Just start telling someone on the other side. What do you like in your mouth? What? What do you like in your fucking mouth? Like an apple? No, it's just... Can you imagine turning up to Nando's? Hello, I'd like some oral pleasure, please.

Do you mean food? Yes. But if you could feed me... You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Like a girl's fingers in your mouth. That's not a turn on for you when you're all right yeah when you're in mid when you're in mid fucking when you're two minutes and four minutes into the bank yeah all of a sudden like a little bit

of breath in the ear a little tongue on the ear a little bit of a like i don't know well i got now i'm trying to think when she's fishhooking you during sex I don't know yeah you like that babe I do when's that been I don't know I take pleasure from the inside of me cheeks

mate I'm gonna give you my dentist's honestly I think you need to what I think you'd love it she's a real fingerer it feels good she's a real fingerer

she gets them right in there at one point I was like moving my tongue away because I was like I She's a real fingerer. It feels good. She's a real fingerer. She gets them right in there. At one point, I was moving my tongue away because I was like, I'm licking your finger. Yeah. I think you'd fucking love it. You'd be like, come on, girl. I think if I was gay, I'd enjoy sucking dick. I know what he means.

You're very competitive. I think you'd suck a fucking mean dick. Oh, 100%. I know what men want. Am I top five? I know what men want. Am I top five? I know what men want. It's like women, you know,

like women experiment with other women and they're like, yeah, well, you know, I'm not bi, but I've had women down there because women know what women want. I think men would be better

at sucking dick than women, like straight men. Obviously. Totally. And women are better at the pleasure of other women, yeah. Right.

They can't feel the emotions We feel during What is it? What's cock sucking? What's the word for it? Oral pleasure Oral Cocky lingers

For a lady What's it for a man? Cocky lingers There's a bit of cocky lingers There you go Fallatio Fallatio Fallatio

Fallatio I would be better At sucking dick Than most women are. Yeah, but you haven't done the reps. No, I haven't. There's some girls out there that have done the 10,000 hours. Yeah, but they don't know what it feels like.

Yeah. They don't know. Yeah, but they've also- They're just assuming. No, I think they've got a direct- No, but they could be sucking dick and not know when it's bad. Because the boy's like, yeah, I'm into it. Yeah, because even a bad blowjob is all right, isn't it?

Bro, bro, bro. I think girls have done 10,000 hours of duke-sucking or gay guys have done 10,000 hours of duke-sucking. 10,000 hours? Oh, no, gay guys don't work. Yeah, because that's what it takes to be a master. I want to see how many days that is, please. I'm not doing the maths because you could do the maths.

Just text your mum. Why is she doing the maths? Yeah, that's what I meant. It's 400. 416 days of cock sucking. That's over a year straight sucking dick. That's the sequel too. $217.

If you want to get your 10,000 hours in, you don't have to do it all in one go. Do you know what I mean? We should go on holiday this summer. I'll be sucking. Honestly. Nothing. Slept for a year. Honestly, I'm going'll be sucking honestly nothing slept for a year

honestly I'm gonna be sucking dick till at least December 23 so book me out of everything yeah I just think I'd be good at it and I think if I could get past

the fact it's a man's cock I would enjoy it right yeah I mean I love it when you say things with such authority like

I've lived my life by this for a long time this is my mantra I would be phenomenal at sucking a dick as long as so with that you need a trans

you need a trans dick yeah we'll just suck a sexy hermaphrodite off oh hermaphrodite like so it's a like it's a woman

but it's also got she's also got a willy what's wrong with it it's just a a trans lady because you've got both you can pick a beautiful woman

great body cracking tits on the NHS but they've got both and then a quality knob you're talking about trans people he's talking about people who are born with a pussy and a cock at the same time it's just too much too much admin yeah where do you oh yeah it's a to-do list isn't it imagine being able to finger someone and suck them off at the same time imagine imagine imagine that's the dream while you're getting fingered in the mouth fucking out loud though all of it that's what he loves i i think you know what i mean it's nice having things in your mouth yeah do you mean that's why people like i love getting sucked off and having a solero it's the nicest you like chew a bit of hay there's a reason for this name and that is where adam's theory goes to shit what do they is tobacco what's the job

is john tigger done john tigger uh full of manager yeah he used to chew a little chopstick he was it was a good job he was mixed race because he was racially insensitive a toothpick you should? A toothpick? You should chew a toothpick. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? People like having things in the mouth, generally speaking.

Yeah, but you're talking, the toothpick isn't for pleasure. John Tigger is not like, oh my God, we're two nil down, but oh. What's it for then if it's not for pleasure?

It's just to take his mind off it. It's like chewing gum. Right, exactly. No, you're talking about stimulate something being sexual. You want to be like finger-fucked in the mouth or a pleasure.

I see. Big jaunt there with the... Grow up. Just Google things people want in the mouth. Top left, the old France. Oh, look at that fucking... Oh, Adidas.

Everything you did for about 40 years was fit. Adidas. Anyway you did for about 40 years was fit. Adidas. Anyway, so the dentist went well. I'm all right, yeah. I'm all right. Fallen to bits. So this is the first public episode.

Yep. If you are a pube and you're like, oh, I don't like signing up to Patreon, literally what are you doing? We've got some of the best specials, the best lock-ins that any podcast has ever done. We're going to National People. We also do an exclusive episode. So we've already done one. Literally, what are you doing? We've got some of the best specials, the best lock-ins that any podcast has ever done. We're going to Nashville, April. We also do an exclusive episode.

So we've already done one for the 17,000 patrons that pay as little as £3 a month. They've seen all this. We've done the intro. We've done the fucking hell. But if you're a pube and you've not yet signed up to the patron,

because all pubes are patrons that haven't happened yet. Show them that, Will. Show them that. Just look at this. We do things here. It's three quid just for what we've done already. Yeah.

Even the special, the manly exclusives, what we've done already is three quid. The restaurant special we've got coming up that people don't really know about, yeah, would be worth 20 quid to buy. Yeah. And then Amsterdam, I'm going to do mushrooms for the first time ever

and the bad ones as well. Yes, I didn't know that was definitely happening. Oh, that's going to be demonetized. Yeah. I'm going to do the bad ones as well. Not the ones that make you laugh. The ones that get like killer clowns chasing you around. Like...

Yeah, yeah. The killer clown. Oi. Killer clown? Killer clown? Oh, the irony. I've just had dental work. Yeah, no.

Let's just do the Laffy Happy Nicey ones. No, I want to be scarred for life. It'll be good for some... Oh, get a fucking... Get a sex worker to put them in your mouth. Oh, how good will that be? She's got mushrooms going... Oh, yeah, you'll love it.

I thought all mushrooms were sort of happy, Laffy. No, there's bad ones. The ones that actually look like mushrooms. Sorry, Finns that tried mushrooms. Let's talk to Adam, who's never had them. Talk me through. The ones that actually look like mushrooms. Sorry, Finns that tried mushrooms. Let's talk to Adam, who's never had them. Talk me through. The ones that actually look like mushrooms. And apparently the bad ones.

I'm going Pizza Express. I'm going to fuck a mushroom pizza. I'm fucking whacking them up. I'm going to murder porn clowns on me fucking Pizza Express. Lad, she's fear. Love it. Yeah. All right, cool.

The ones that look like mushrooms apparently are, like, much worse than the other ones can i tell you something in my experience of uh people who are really good boozers when they start doing drugs they apply the same sort of technique that they do to drinking to drugs and have a bad night and that's not me trying to be like actually i didn't realize how much cocaine i was doing right oh yeah my, yeah, remember he told me that? He, like, sniffed the whole bag. It was like, oh.

No, so it was in Edinburgh, and I went back to a house party. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a fucking pyramid of it, and I was just going, like, like it was shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just like, I'll have another one the next day. The lad who, like, deals it was like, fucking hell, you're a fucking Henry Hoover, you are.

And I was like, am I? Am I? I don't do drugs. And he was like, hell you're fucking henry who are you i was like am i am i i don't do drugs he was like you don't you don't do coke and i was like no he went as he's vibrating i was like that's the first time i've ever done it and he was like are you all right today yeah my friend catherine we once had some mdma out on a table dining table and after party and uh my mate andy was like i'll tell you what instead we'll just rack them all up now and she just got that that little bit of smack head in her like oh shit someone's put more out and then went and did a lap of the flat it's quite a big flat good party and then just sort of quickly came back around had another and i just heard at one point about an hour late and he got what the fuck barnsley. What the fuck's going on? Where's all that gone? And then Apple's like...

It's in the corner. It was so obvious who'd been doing it because it was just out. She was like, I'm doing it. She is now a... Yeah, she's recovered.

She's been in AA about 10 years. I think that night was the start of it. Honestly, in the corner, like, is she having a seizure? She was like... Dan, what does your T-shirt say? Sorry, it's really distracting.

I don't read clothes. Even at the bottom? What's at the bottom? Brief romance. Oh, no. I don't read clothes. What does it say at the bottom? Hopefully it's not something

about the EDL. Oh, God. It's not calmer than this. Brief romance. I read your clothes. Let me see the back. Show me the back. Show me the back. Can I just say it's from Zara

Show me the back Oh this is going to have like Can I just tell you I don't think I've seen the back Show me the back Show me the back Oh no there is something on it Oh my

Oh my good god What are you doing Catch flights no feelings again It does oh my oh my good god what are you doing what is that catch flights no feelings again no it does what does the top say

it fucking does turn around again my place used to be and how about that wow so it's it's generic

generic brief romance generic I've got to start easy I've got to start reading clothes man yeah

I have on now yeah because you could end up with, like, a political statement on it that you don't agree with. Vote Lib Dem. The new line at Zara. They've gone pretty middle ground. It looks nice, but the writing's odd. That's typical Zara, though, isn't it?

Yeah. Shops are so shit for that. Oh, we've made this really perfect thing, but we've put a plane on the back. Why? Ah, we like planes. This is nice. What's this? Oh, yeah, Transalpino. That but we've put a plane on the back. Why? Ah, we like planes. This is nice. What's this?

Transalpino. That's really nice. Scouse banana love. Oh, is it Scouse? Yeah. Transalpino? On Bold Street. I'd wear that.

Transalpino, shout out. I'd wear that. The girl who runs it is trans and she's an albino. Probably spelt it wrong the first time. And they never changed it. She's dyslexic as well. I'm a transalbino and I like drawing clothes inside

she's a wolf it's a sunny day I'll be in the print shop albino spelt with a B love I can't see it I tell you what we've got a lot of funding yes

this is a well knownknown Scouse brand. Not that well, no. It is. No, it is. What's the other Scouse brands? Luciano, I've got me Webs. Worn them once. Felt two Scouse.

Not worn them again. But I will. I will now that we're working in Liverpool. Is Monterey Scouse or is it just been adopted? I mean, Scouse uniform adopted. Yeah. I've got me Monterey jacket out there. I've got me technicals on.

Shout out. Lovely stuff. Someone tweeted that Creamfields Was like This is all the lads Uniform at Creamfields And there was like Three t-shirts

And that technicals Was one of them Lovely stuff Yeah This is like A lot of match going lads By this shit So if you go to a

Liverpool game There's a lot of Transalpino tops Whip a pair of 110s We need to get you A pair of 110s actually Oh we do OG Neons Yeah tops whip a pair of 110s we need to get you a pair of 110s actually oh we do og neons yeah give yourself a pair

joe looks good in 110s yeah uh gay female ufc fighters i've seen her wearing molly looks fucking great you need a pair i don't think i'd suit again you would i do a school drop off in a small cheshire village we need to get yeah a full guys? We need to get, yeah, a full Monterey Sackie, a lowy Alpine hat, and some one-tens. What, and a teardrop and a fucking goal too? What's going on? What's going on? We had a chat when you weren't here the other day.

Did you have an intervention? No, it's not an intervention. It was a conversation. We just feel like now that you're going to be in Liverpool, you need to dress a bit more Scouse. We've got to sort Finn house as well. You can't be wearing Burberry. Finn?

You've got fucking good luck with Finn. We're going to get you one of them. That's a big old swan butt. Yeah. You look cool in that. You look like a pedo postman. I'm not wearing it. You've got to wear one of them.

You have to sell MCAT to wear that hat. He used to wear them to school. No, he didn't. Yes, you did. I wore the Lowey Alpine one show me it was there you know there's a lowey alpine one there stop saying lowey which one is it uh to the left one more to the left that's it adam used to wear that to school i used to wear that to school like peter check no but you'd put the flaps up just listen for anyone listening on audio just imagine a really shit hat if you're the scouser you know what a lowey is oh yeah i'm oh yeah

lads i'm not talking to them fucking scott like oh fucking i was born in a lowey some people were first hat let's dress you like scousers from our year let's get him a scott coat oh echo bag. What's a Scott coat? S-C-H-O-T-T. Oh, I thought you meant a coat that Scott wore. I'm not even joking. I was like, I thought, yeah.

Remember them? Right. Scott jackets. I'd love a Scott jacket. They were fire. What brand was that? With the goggles in? No.

Up to the top shelf there, Finn. Now, get rid of that square. Top shelf? What, are you a fucking TV? What, you want leather jackets? Up, up, up. And then right, right, right, right, right, right shelf there, Finn. Now get rid of that square. Top shelf? What are you, a fucking TV? What are you on leather jackets for? Up, up, up. And then right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Why can't you wear the internet? That's a Scott jacket.

I never wore one of them. Let's have a look. Get me a Scott jacket. 30 quid. Should we buy it? I'm not. I'm 100% not. You're going to look fire in the 05 one.

I would rather look like a paedophile postman. Lads, I've got a bag. What are them? What's the brand? Yeah, I know what you mean. In the hood, they've got goggles. Stone Island. No.

I know what you mean. Location. A location jacket? Yeah. Oh, yes. You're going to look so sick. We've got to scourge it up a bit. You need a pair of 110s.

Combats. Medici combats. Oh, with a little dragon on the side. Plagiarism looks heavy, you know. All I wanted was a trans albino t-shirt. I just want an albino trans t-shirt. Can I have one? No.

Not right now. Gimp on the fucking school road. Okay, fucking. How to look like a chav through COVID. Lots of them go in the shop. Fuck I know, I'm vulnerable. Fucking love to see you look. Like some paddy there.

Again, audio listeners, just imagine E.T. in a fucking bomber jacket. Awful. Dan, can we dress you once? Right, yeah, all right. Yes. in a fucking bomber jacket. Awful. Dan, can we dress you once? Right, yeah, all right. Yes. Hair to 110s. I'll come out.

I'll do it for the live show. 110s, Midishi Combats. For the arena, I'll come out. I'm playing the arena in Liverpool. You know, I want to win them over. Oh, I'm buying a chinchilla coat. I'm dressing like the cowboy that I... Yeah.

Piss. Piss. I'm getting a flawless chinchilla coat, like a Burning Man one. that I like. Yeah. Piss. Piss. I'm getting a flowline chinchilla coat like a Burning Man one. Right, cool. It's like 25 grand. Yeah, that's on your card.

Yeah, I still want to wear the Chappelle overalls but I will replace him for a fully chosen Scouse outfit. Oh, you're going to look sick. How amazing would it be to walk out in the arena

and just first word? Lad. So we're getting him what? A pair of combats, Oh, you're going to look sick. How amazing would it be to walk out in the arena and just, first word, lad. So we're getting them what? A pair of Combats, a pair of 110s, and a Mizuno top. Yeah, it's got to be a Mizuno top. Like one of these. Mizuno?

Yes. I'm wearing a Mizuno top. We'll get you some Mizuno footy boots. This is what I want to wear. Brands that I know, that I trust. All sports. You don't want to look like a paedophile you said

Lotto Lotto they used to make okay footy boots early capper oh the green ones the black and green yeah yeah

no I was more the red and blue ones Mizuno Hulk wears them what Mizuno boots because he's got a bastard image

Hulk not a football player Hulk he wears a loose player. The Hulk. God, I thought... I thought... If you look at the film... I thought he meant the footballer Hulk, but you actually mean...

Yeah, no, if you watch the film closely, very rarely pans to his feet and it's because he refuses to... But if you listen, you can hear the studs. You can hear them walking around in fuzzy studs. Mate, I've got Mizuno written all over me, haven't I?

No. Prince. There's stuff written all over you that you haven't read. What was your brand when you were a kid? Oh my God, let's get him a Lacoste trackie. Adidas. Let's get him a Lacoste trackie. Yeah, you say Adidas.

I say it right, yeah. Yeah, how do Germans say it? I don't know, we're not German. Yeah, but what? What? Yeah you say Adidas I say it right yeah Yeah how do Germans say it I don't know I'm not German Yeah but What I don't know what Germans say Or the stripy one I think it's Adidas

Isn't it They don't It's Adidasly yeah But we say Adidas Do you say Nike You say Adidas mate Do you say Nike If it's German

And that's how they say it That's like people going Terry Henry Well I don't say Terry fucking Henry Doesn't age there lad's there, lad. Teddy Henry. So just because you're saying it,

Adidas. Do you say Nike or Nike? That's preference, isn't it? Why? It's Americans. That's how they say it. Yeah. What do you say?

You win this point, sir. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And also Germans sort of, they just say what they say, don't they? What? What?

These are Roy Walker. They're like, the line, line, line. That's what they call Adidas. The say, don't they? What? What? These are Roy Walker? They're like, the line, line, line. That's what they call Adidas. The line, line, line? Yeah. Well, Bradley, it's yours, the ticky ones. The ticky ones. What?

Because all Germans are special needs. That's ticky ones? Yeah. Puma's the cat. Nah. They don't even say the cat. The black cat. They go, they go.

Meow. Who is sponsoring the Borussia Dortmund this year? Meow, meow. Oh, yes. The cat. The jumper cat. That much you fill your car with? Is it diesel?

Just asking. Is it diesel? Are you enjoying this? I know. I'm not. Van says petroleum. He's got a petroleum garage. I fill it with gas.

That's a jumpy cat, meow. But I don't mind. That's what they're like. You haven't met many German people. We've been twice. Really? In the space of three weeks. Yeah.

When have you been to Germany? To Berlin twice. In the same year. Yeah. Yeah. That made it sound like in the last three weeks. Which I took you up for the, is twice. In the same year. Yeah. Yeah. It meant it, that made it sound like in the last three weeks. We tried to queue up for the,

is it the Berghain? The Berghain. No, it was closed when we were. Yeah. We were going to wait, but they said they don't open until the weekend and we were only there Monday, so we had to see.

Yeah. Music's blaring out. Loads of people going in. Lads, we are closed. But I like your liney, liney, liney jumper. You're there in a Scott a Scott top you can't come in

we love a Pied Potsman in fact you'd probably get in if you were wearing a Pied Potsman out and nothing else do you reckon you'd get in a Pied Potsman no

why? because you didn't know all that I don't read my clothes man no but you used to be a cop you've got the vibe I know yeah I used to be

in a lot of things do you know what I mean but this is not where I reckon I could dress well enough to get in. It's not necessarily how you dress, it's just your vibe. Hey, we went for a patting party the other night and I wore a t-shirt that looked like a fucking nightie.

You look good, I think. Oh, Christ. I don't think I'd get in. Seneca got in on her own. A mate didn't get in, she's winning. She's fit, man. She is fit, yeah. She's so fit.

I'm not offended by that. You'd love to fuck her, wouldn't you? Come on, it's his missus. Yeah, love to fuck her, wouldn't you? Come on, it's his message. Yeah, but if they weren't together, you would. What?

Man can dream. Beautiful woman. I only apologise. I did not. See, Seneca. I reckon I could negotiate my way into the big arm.

Right. Go on. New special. Adam goes to the bird guy. It Is it N? Right. Go on. New special. Adam goes to the Berghain. It's N. Berghain. Berghain. Yeah.

How do you say it? Berghain. I see. I say Berghain. No, no. Why? Berghain. Berghain.

No. Is that what it's called? It's just called Berghain. It's not Berghain. It's just Berghain. It's like Foles. I just like chat to him. What's his name?

I like to friend him. What's his name? Yeah, because that's what they him. I like to friend him. What's his name? Yeah, because that's what they want. Klaus. Klaus. That's his name? So music's going. What is his name?

I'm sorry, Scots. You can't come in. Norbert Tomlin. No, no, no. It's a Dorman. It's a famous Dorman. Google a famous Dorman. You've seen him.

We've done this before. Sven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sven Marquardt. Yeah. Oh, look, me and him are on a similar wavelength. It's nice being in a new studio

because now we've all definitely forgot everything we've ever said. I mean, he's a cool cat, like. Oh my God, yeah. So what have you got in common? Personality, bad looks for. I reckon we've got a similar taste in music. I think he likes country music.

Jerry Seymour. Yeah. Seymour Luke Combs. I've come out similar taste in music. I think he likes country music. See him at Luke Combs. I've come out of a fun time, haven't I? Yeah, so he just goes, you're not coming in, and doesn't even tell you why. Nein! They also put a sticker over your phone as well,

so you can't take any pictures. Yeah, just take it off, though, don't you? Yeah, you would. Because you can't be told anything ever. Literally, in the new camp. Okay, we're going in now. We're going into the dressing room. Please do not take a picture.

It's very important. It was a 20-minute bitching speech. As soon as we get behind these doors, cannot take a picture. Adam, like, literally walked in and went... I had my camera on. I had my camera on with the door closed, with the window closed.

Like, oh yeah, it's off, but I was recording shit. Oh, they're like, flashing means it's off. Yeah, fucking bitch. When we walked in, they were like, you're not press, are you? Like, fucking cameraman, film it. No, this is just for personal use. We always like to watch really high standard videography

for memories, you fucking idiots. No pictures, okay guys, we're going in now. Adam, picture. Yeah, but like, who the fuck is she? Who the fuck are you? You don't even work here. I do, I've worked here for 12 years. All right, but I don't give a fuck.

Like my dreads anyway, rat. That Ronald D in your vest. Other than like, I don't think anyone's got the right to tell anyone else what to do. All right, so she comes in here and shits on the fucking coffee table you're like well god how can we stop her no we can kick it out yeah and say this is our building you can't have knots of shit on it if she wanders in just whips a kex down you're like lads i wish i could stop this adam doesn't believe that he can tell anyone what to do ever now what you mean is you don't believe you should be told what to do ever

that is true I've worked pretty closely with you for two and a half years and you're honestly I envy part of it it's just your ability to be like I do not accept your authority well I'm a policeman go fuck yourself well you're in a court fuck you judging aunts well now you're in prison yeah suck my dick

I wanted to be here for nine to 12 years. What? Do you know if you could speak like that? Are you getting treated any worse? What? Surely you're not. Is he disrespectful to the judge?

No, I mean, in the case, if you're like, yeah, yeah, whatever, like, whatever, and then you're like, ah, smoke it. You're just threatening him, aren't you? You're just like, yeah, he threatened him. Yeah, you just go, look, I know that mandatory, like, let's say I'm getting like four to ten years I'm like listen lad I know you've got to

give me four to ten give me four so I'll be out in like two because otherwise I will think about your face every day for ten years and when I come out I'll find you

and the judge will be like wow what a great argument four years two months because he's so scary and that's how courts work you in a court would be so funny your your lawyer would be like please don't get done for contempt of court adam sat there

go off your phone two years two years two Two years. Two years. Two more years. Two more years. No, but if you're in court, you're remorseful for the crime. You're like, yeah, that was awful, wasn't it?

If you don't play ball in court, you get done for contempt of court and they'll just keep adding to your sentence. No, but if you're remorseful and that, and you're like, I don't respect... Got to play basketball. Why do you have to respect his authority? I hate basketball.

Apart from on the streets. Why do you have to respect his authority I hate basketball apart from on the streets why do you have to respect his authority you can go yeah I was bad wrong and nah but like but at the end of the day you're being a cunt

who you're talking to like that yeah who do you think you are so you've committed a crime yeah and you think a judge

who's been appointed basically by society to rule over a system of laws I didn't have a say did I no right

yeah but you don't have a say in loads yeah I know I don't respect anyone oh my. I didn't have a say, did I? Right? Yeah, but you don't have a say in loads. Yeah, I know. I don't respect anyone. Oh my God, I didn't realise I was working with such a libertarian. I think we should be able to do whatever we want, anywhere, to anyone. Because I'm me, and who the fuck are you?

You've got 10 years in prison. I don't respect that. I just hate the arrogance of judges. Do you know what I mean? Because like they They act like gods When essentially they're just people Who've worked their way into a position of power

They act like Talk me through how they act like gods Because they're all just like They give They just help put criminals in prison Yeah but they're all like Hey silence in my court It's like it's not yours is it?

This is not just your court Like I'm in it as This is not just your court. Like, I'm in it as well. You've just got a better chair. How shit would a judge be if he came in like, all right, everyone. All right. All right, don't sit down.

Sit down. Hey, we're all equal here. Hey, sit down, everyone. No sounds. Just call me Terry. I'm Judge Terry, but just call us Tezzo. And listen,

you have killed three people. I'm going to have to do this. I'm so sorry. but just call us Tezzo. And listen, you have killed three people. I'm going to have to do this. I'm so sorry. Do you like loud noises? You are going to prison. But listen, it's sound. Three meals a day. You'll be all right.

Shove a phone up your arse. Text your Mandy. All right. See you later, everyone. Get on me. Tells you the magistrate. No, but you have to call them. Your Honor.

Your Honor. Yeah, that's bollocks. I would rather. Wouldn't it be better if judges were just like normal people? Like an extra member of the jury. Like they don't get a vote on the verdict, but then they have to decide how long you get. They shouldn't be like this.

An expert in the law. They shouldn't be an expert in the law when they are dealing with the law. No, it should just be right. Here's the book, right? It should be a fucking FA Cup draw this week. Working in the courts is a bin man. Stinking of... Judge Juicy?

No, Judge Juicy. Oh, Judge Juicy. That would be much better. Yeah. Judge Juicy. I think you'd get done for copyright. Judge Juicy. Who's decided naming on that?

The Transalbino? It'd be fucking much better. Right. I'd fucking love a go at that Oh no 50 years First thing, first thing, I am the judge, everyone up I'm the king of the court

Adam is the king of the court You're going to prison, you're going to prison You'd be a fucking menace I'd be fair I'd be fair but fair I'd be the nonce on the little typewriter just like the clerk

yeah the one who's the type everything everyone says I've not been writing anything down I don't know how to work these it's like Angela Lansbury I'm playing a piano

I reckon judge duty is a great idea I'd be fair but fair the year on a shit bollocks yeah should just be his name.

Teachers are gobshites, police are fucking pigs. No, we don't call, judges are knobheads. You don't call a teacher like your fucking gracious brother?

No, we don't have to. Of course, you didn't. Fucking Cardinal Heenan back in the day. We didn't just call him sir, we put our hands up

and go, hey mate. Hey mate, Susan. Yeah, it's your mum's name, innit? Did it to the teachers as well. I don't give a fuck if she's dead.

Fucking sign this. Mark my knob. Yeah. You don't call anybody else in society by a weird fucking title that you're forced to do. Yeah, you do. Who? Like, teachers. weird fucking title That you're forced to do Yeah you do Who? Like teachers

No but you're not forced to do it Like you're not going to get Conducted a contempt of class You just call them by their surname Yeah Don't you? We didn't even put mister on ours But I'll

Like Averson What are we doing for fucking this lesson lad? Spanish What? He was a Spanish teacher Yeah Señor Did you not do señor?

Taylor You don't have to do señor yeah It's happening Taylor lad You don't call the police like sir do Señor? Taylor. You have to do Señor, yeah. It's happening, Taylor, lad. You don't call the police like Sir, do you? Officer. You call the police officer. You don't call anyone anything because you're 30-year-old Scousers.

I get that. I don't have to do fucking nothing. Fuck off. Call me Mum. Fuck off. I call you Mum, lad. I nearly live-named your Mum there. You kind of did. It's fine fine i'll just bleep it out it didn't happen did i yeah all right sorry jeff carl's mum's jeff you go hello officer no but i mean there are other labels in society

like if the busy doctor you call doctors that you don't Carl you don't have to it's a sign of respect they've worked fucking hard they are doctors some people go oh yeah yeah

they could have bought it online the University of Bootle sign up to to Dr. Rob Thomas's University and you'll get

a BA in fucking doctoring and medicine and operations and all that a BA and now you're a get a BA in fucking doctoring and medicine and operations and all that. A BA. And now you're a doctor. A BA, yeah.

He's not a good doctor. Because he's creative. Show you up in a little smile. I'm more than a doctor. I'm an artist as well. This scar's going to look like fucking Pocahontas, mate. There's someone ill on the plate. Is there a doctor?

Rob Thomas sorry I went to my own university in Bootle I am doctor Rob Thomas BA Baracus

weird if I was sick I'd be like not it if it was BA Baracus he wouldn't be on the plane would he new studio same bullshit I don't like the new shot suck my balls New studio

Say bullshit I don't like the new shop Suck my balls Now lads Time for a word From our sponsor BetterHelp If you go to

BetterHelp.com Forward slash word 10 You sign up there And this is basically Online therapy It's a way of getting counselling Down to seeing a counsellor At the minute

It's a way of getting counselling Online Instead seeing a counsellor at the minute it's a way of getting counselling online instead of having to leave your house go to a therapist building sits on a couch like this do it from the comfort of your own home you sign up put your needs and your likes and your personality traits in and they match you up with a counsellor who specialises in the kind of help you're after this is betterhelp.com and it's it's flying at the minute a lot of people are using it and it's a it's very beneficial if you need to be no stigma with mental health anymore if you're feeling a bit out of it down just like you're under the weather like you're just struggling with stuff give counseling a try i'm speaking from experience it can help out help sort out a lot of the stuff in your head and better help is a way of doing it at home i think i'm

going to start doing this soon i think i'm going to try and unlock what's going on in my head because there's definitely stuff up there that needs to be drawn i agree better help h-e-l-p.com slash word 10 10 off your first month go and do it i'm gonna do it how are we what did you say nobody here they can't cut out i said they're too late all right let's do 20 minutes because we've got pasta on the way uh comedians club chester 24th september saturday 24th september finn taylor is head headlining vittorio angeloni i'm comparing there's an early show at 4 p.m for a tenner there is an evening show at 7 45 for 15 tenner there's an evening show at 7.45 for £15

it's not quite so early yet why's that so tight you can't talk clearly can you it's I don't know what's going on

it's my age it's a Covid thing you know is it long Covid yeah it's genuine confusion's going up massively in doctors there's a long Covid

effect anyway Comedians Club Chester I've had it quite a lot as well confusion yeah I still think foreign accent

syndrome is the one you want to get if that from covid would i like to come to my comedy club what if you could pick the accent though what what if you're gonna get foreign accent syndrome what accents are you choosing if they were like you wake up and the doctor's like right your brain's fucked here like you've lost your voice. We can fix it. What accent do you want? But we can't give you yours back. Right. Well, if I get to choose, it's not going to be one of the ones that are going to get me cancelled.

Scouse? What? You can do Scouse. Scouse would be great. I'd go French, mate. Right. People want to fuck French people, don't they? Oh, fact. How you saying, France? People want to fuck French people don't they Oh fact

How you saying France How you saying my cock is massive Yeah My cock Is a big cousin of Avotawel That'd be your opening bit wouldn't it Adam Rowe sounds weird now I used to love him Adam Rowe sounds weird now I like I used to love him

My name is Adam Rowe I had a head injury I chose the French accent Ignore the accent And here's my Welcome to other world With my podcast partner My name is Dan Nattengill

Hello Geordie Yeah Geordie No actually South Shield It's close isn't it It's different It's like You'd have to know the region

To know Sunderland Newcastle What was Sunderland Sunderland It's a lot camper Yeah Big pride movements in Sunderland

Oh aye Macham come Do you know what I mean That's how I talk about them You make them come Aye that's what I do That's how I talk about them You make them come Aye that's what I do When I'm down Sunderland

Is that a euphemism Nah when I'm Literally Plastic is the arsehole Sunderland's the cock When I'm literally In Sunderland Or anywhere

In the West Side That's what That's what I'm like Never take me Down the Peter Lee Yeah I think I go Irish I think I go Irish. I think I go Irish.

I'd be great. I like that. I'd be the worst one. I don't think you could do a French Northern Irish. No, no. Welcome to have a word. I believe it would work. I think we could do it.

You have to say every sentence. How you say. How you say it's going to be fine. How you say it will work. How you say how you say it's going to be fine how you say it will work how you say uh italian food is on the way how you say that would be a terrible irony you're so french but you've uttered italian oh damn you brexit where english and we've got an italian mad mad how ironic how ironic still thinks Those damn guys How shit are they really good

Italian would be good as well I'm a play in a custom house A play in the fourth wall Right Listen Italian Is not New York Italian I think you're

Oh no to be fair You're doing Mamma mia Oh there you go There you go I'm doing a podcast Oh Ow

I saw something on On Instagram There we go Podcast in here Oh I'm so fucking Italian I wanna do a podcast. Oh. Ow! I saw something on Instagram. There we go. A podcast in here! Oh, I'm so fucking Italian. I want to do a fucking podcast. We got the Italian on the way. We got the pasta.

It's coming here. We got a pie. Pizza pie. Say pasta again in that accent. Say pasta again in that accent. Pasta! Oh! That feels like it's something we need to tune in.

Pasta! Look at the pizza! Oh, that feels like it's something we need to tune in. I'll tell you the best meatballs you ever had in your fucking life. My nonna taught me how to do it. Oh, Nana Roe. I never met Nana Roe. She loved meatballs and all balls. No, Nana Roe was dead. Is that your mum's mum?

No. Of course it's my dad's mum. Because you get your say name from your dad. Got a long line of dead people. Oh, yeah, I suppose.owe was dead. Is that your mum's mum? No. Or your dad's mum? Of course it's my dad's mum, because you get your surname from your dad. Got a long line of dead people. Oh, yeah, I suppose. Nona Rowe. Yeah. The ale took her.

Oh. Was she the first? Yeah. First of many. I don't think she was the first. Tell us about Nona Rowe. What was she into? What was she like?

Mojito? Mojito's killed Nona Rowe. That's what I heard. She used to drink like millions of coffee. Just the sweet. Go on. Of Jager Bombs.

She loved the Jager Bomb. She invented the Jager Bomb. Every day, five o'clock, she'd just sit down with a Jager Bomb. Five? What a lady.

Left it till five. It's five o'clock somewhere. It's five o'clock here. Isn't that bad? Got a fucking clock for the reason. She was Irish, not a row. What? It's five o'clock somewhere It's five o'clock here You know that It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad It's not bad

It's not bad It's not get into it, there's been a lot of problems around that way Nonny Ro, I'll have a fucking Jager Bomb Pew, nice Christmas, I don't know why I'm doing sad story What's the grandad version of Nonna? Grandnonna? That would be Gonna wouldn't it?

She's a Gonna? Yeah Me Nonna's a Gonna Yeah, I never met her Me grandad John Of course That's me dad's dad Me grandad Vinny

That's me mum's dad Yeah Can we have your family tree please Yeah Frida Sharples And Leonard Sharples The Sharples Frida and Leonard

And That's a sexy couple name man They were the best people Ever Frida and Len Frida and Len Leonard And they begot

Colin. Leonard sounds like a euphemism for your cock, doesn't it? Get your Leonard out. Get your Lenny out. You can say that about any name.

Big fucking special needs cock. Hey, hey you guys. Of mice and men dick. Leonard and, oh God, they were so good. Len and they had

Colin, who's my uncle, still going. Norma. Norma Nightingale hashtag gone too soon some cool names in your family

and then on the other side Rita and Bob it's all very Preston in the 40s isn't it yeah you're not from Preston Rita and Bob Rita and Bob

Sue then as well yeah they had threesomes and they had Peter who's my dad is that porn is Rita Sue and Bob too my dad's got COVID right now

no it was not it was an 80s film set in sheffield or barnsley about uh two babysitters who fucked the guy uh the dad of the family it was a very very controversial film why because it was about teenagers having threesomes with married men quite does happen no yeah yeah i just don't think that does it i just think in the 80s it was a bit of a like what the fuck is this about in it yeah it was um they've gone on to be quite famous like anyway they were it was brilliant are we good no it's fine okay i've started watching the crowd you know after she died i don't know why i hate period dramas i was like you know what i'm gonna learn and i I'm enjoying it Matt Smith Who is currently

Stealing the show In House of Dragons Is Prince Philip In the first two seasons Of The Crown And he's so Fucking good The rest of The Crown

Never matches The casting of the first two I like Claire Foy Because Claire Foy's so good As a young Elizabeth Olivia Colman though Olivia Colman Is an excellent actress But she's too expressive To play Because Claire Foy is so good as a young Elizabeth.

Olivia Colman is an excellent actress, but she's too expressive to play Elizabeth. She's fucking all over the place. She's like, I'm the queen! I'm the queen of England! Fucking lick my head and stick it on your letters. Lick my head. Who's going to send a letter Lick my

Lick the back of my fucking head Do you reckon anyone's ever Licked the back of the Queen's head For a laugh What and then try To pour it in an envelope No do you know what I mean No do you reckon

Philip ever was like Hey come here And lick the back of her head And was like See you in two days I'm not ready to laugh about this I'm still grieving Still grieving

But I'm enjoying the crown don't think I would but I'm learning Winston Churchill's a gobshite Matt Smith's going to the funeral I think I think I read that this morning is he?

yeah he's flying in for it is anyone watching him? he's doing the service oh right he's singing Candle on the Wind Matt Smith is playing Candle on the Wind he's singing Candle on the Wind

and he's playing Prince Philip just to really fucking weird everyone out. I'll be playing Prince Philip circa 1957. Yeah. Oh, the funeral. I'll give two fucks.

Is Elton John doing it? Is he singing? I know we saw speculators on this last week. Does he not? He was like Diana's, wasn't he? He's probably the last person they'll ask.

Have you seen him taking the traffic lights out she's having Lou Vega Lou Vega oh I wanted to get the Mambo

number 5 a little bit Elizabeth she's in the 30 hour queue and all that garbage 5 miles

5 miles of queue oh the conditions are going to be awful in that queue just where the hive is just walk straight to the

front is she the fella who collapsed the guard no yeah whoop-a

gravity Gangnam Style that's not a remix who do we think should play the funeral Shaggy not Luke girly on my

it wasn't me yeah yeah it gets Charles to feature on it though it gets Charles to do... You know all the lines he makes, doesn't it? As he points to the camera like a rapper,

he just fills up the whole... Imagine the start of Mr. Bean Bastic in a church. Boom, boom, boom. Everyone's feeling sexy in the church. Yo, man. Me mum's dead, man. Yeah. Is that his feature?

Say it wasn't you. I honestly feel sad about nonny roe oh nonny roe from danigal elton john played her funeral though weirdly didn't he all right okay he doesn't know he was dead she wasn't even famous I don't know what he'd be doing hi babes I've come to play your funeral I don't think old nonny roe would be happy about that. Jed would. Jed would just start in the revolution. Yeah, Jed would fucking hate them. Oh, my Christ.

They broke it faster than the fucking Frumitio Romano. Did you see that? Jed would broke her down before BBC. Yeah. Really? Yeah. They were the quickest on Twitter. The Queen is dead, official.

And then, like, BBC broke her. Right. So, Jed would... Maybe they got, like, a direct line. Jed would kill the Queen. Maybe they did. Are they Irish, Jed would? Yeah Maybe they got a direct line. Jedward killed the Queen. Maybe they did. Are they Irish, Jedward?

Yeah. Well, they're rebels. They need to quiet down. Fucking lizard, man. Just like fucking... Twins are weird, aren't they? Do you know any twins? Twins? Twins are a bit like...

Twins are the definition of weird. Twins are the definition of weird. They're the proof there is no Jesus or creator. Why? Because everyone is different, apart from that cunt that looks right, just like you, who came out of the same womb. I honestly don't know why twins don't just from birth

have different haircuts. Just cut their hair different. Do you know what I mean? Because they like it. No. Because it makes them special. I'd want to differentiate them. I mean, so I knew exactly who's being a cunt.

Even if they're Siamese twins? No. Different haircuts. Different haircuts. Imagine that in the bathroom. I don't want to look like you. No, I don't. You don't need it there,

because you're like, I just call them left and right. What if they're chasing you away? What? Back to back. Yeah. What, back to back? Like eggplant? Toboggan twins.

Salt and pepper. No, the best thing to be with you're a twin Like a buddy cop poster You want to look the same As your twin Because like go on Go and do that fucking essay Example can't be arsed doing Yeah but as a parent

You'd want to differentiate them Yes Even if they were both girls I'd make one of them bald I know twins that sent The other one for the Driving theory And passed

Twice That's disgusting Don't admit that What's the name I don't know which twin it was but I remember are they from Rital

one of them's probably dead now anyway twins I grew up with there was twins on our road and they were the weirdest two kids yeah go on do you remember the names

Alan and Ian no no no I'm just telling you I want it to all continue like it is true but this is where I'm noting my complaint

Alan and Ian Go on Alan and Ian, they're twins They live together From Dovey Yeah Of course they live together They're twins

They were adults They live together Oh no Yeah, and they live together on Kemsley Road where I grew up Oh, oh, Kemmo The Kemmo twins Yeah The Kemsley two, they called them

The Kemsley two Weird You have to do something pretty nasty to be yeah the Kemmsley two the Kemmsley two it was fucking weird you have to do something pretty nasty to be called the Kemmsley two don't you they would come like out together

if the ball went in their gut you know like you're playing footy against their friends or whatever they'd come out together and tell us off it was fucking weird how old were they

well like 50s well how old were they 50s I mean... They used to go shopping together. That's less weird.

They had a bike each. They were always on their bikes. Oh, they didn't have a tandem. No. Oh, you share a womb, you share a bike. Yeah. Hang on. Do 50-year-old living together.

Brothers. Yeah. Don't pull too hard at the thread. I won't. It'll all come apart. It's so good. Alan and Ian. Yeah. Don't pull too hard at the thread. I won't. It'll all come apart. It's so good. Alan and Ian.

Yeah. What did they do for work? I mean, I never knew them that well, did I? The wives were weird as well. Sorry, what? Whoa. They were married. And they all lived together in that house?

Yeah. Oh, now this is different. This is a new level. The Lagros. They were twins. I don't know what they were called. The wives wives I do do you?

it's probably Alan and Ian wasn't it Alan and her were they twins? Alan and her I never like we used to obviously like we were little shits weren't we

so we'd fucking give them a bit of shit and whatever but like it's like how how can you live in that dynamic living with your twin and his wife

and your wife wow it freaked me out twins man I just I find it a bit like living with your twin and his wife and your wife wow it freaked me out twins man I just I find it a bit like like oh my god we know what

each other are thinking but one of you needs to go travelling think about that go and fucking hang out with other people the maddest is when it's different sex

twins like when it's a boy and a girl we had one of them in our school isn't that though isn't that a bit less mad though one of them in our school. Isn't that a bit less mad though? One of them stayed

with us for 30 years. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, of course they are. One of them is a very, well, what I remember of, she was a very bright young lady. And one of them

shot a whole fucking, yeah. One of them was in prison for killing someone. He went postal. One of them is in prison for 30 years for armed robbery. No, murder.

Is it murder? Yeah. He's one of the murderers yeah did he kill someone on a robbery two for one I think it was actually no I know what it was I'm not going to say because people know

do you know which shop the robbery was oh god he was no stock hey Curry's would be a really annoying one that's just display

out of the display don't take that getting off the one way system yeah fucking twins That's just display. Outro display. Don't take that. Getting off the one-way system. Yeah. Fucking twins. Right, we're doing questions. Yeah, go on.

I think we've got an update from delivery. Okay, girl. The driver. What's his name? The driver. Let's have a look. I love getting your... Oh, should we do a new thing? Delivery driver, get a random tip.

How do we work out what it is? Randomiser. Ready? One to 100. A percentage or... One to 100. A percent. Rikishi.

Rikishi. Rikishi Fatu. Rikishi. Rikishi. One to 100, random number. £54 tip. No, they get 54%. All right.

How much is the bill? £5.40. Oh, hang on. Rikishi is on the way. Oh, coming straight from his cash. That is going to ring in a minute and I will have to answer it on pod. That's all right. I can't speak.

You'll have to go down and get it. Is it stroke? It's long COVID. Honestly, doctors are saying it's such a thing now. People, the confusions are such a big. I don't know about it. I feel weird. I get it all the time.

Especially if I'm hungover. If Adam's had like six wines of Guinness, he feels a bit weird, a bit confused. Emotional, a bit needy. Horny, piss porn. Can't speak. I wonder what's a piss porn. It's long COVID.

What the fuck's piss porn? Oh, don't. Let's not start that again. To be fair We have got I've got a hangover today Where were you last night? I'm boozing For dinner

With a lady With a beautiful lady Was it a man? It was a man Andrew Slight says Oh it's so nice That you're trying something else Because you dating women

Has not worked out has it? No not so far No So it's good that you're trying something else because you dating women's not worked out, has it? No, not so far. No, so it's good that you're trying something else. I've never tried men. But he'd be fucking great at it. I'm dating both Alan and Ian. Oh, they're twins. Their wives don't know.

Oh, you slut. Andrew Slight says, It's not the same to me, is it? My mate at work. Identical twins. Doesn't matter who I go out with. Cool. Slight O Cool Slight oh

Slight oh My mate at work showed me a porno called Tracy's First Anal which is filmed in what I think is a broad York Yorkshire accent

Jacqueline Wilson went off Just waiting for Takeshi's Castle to deliver the food Lads, watch this Tracy's first anal. It's filmed

and the actors have got what he thinks is a broad Yorkshire accent. I'm Scottish so I don't actually have a clue. At one point during it he asks where his cock is

to which she replies in me shitter. That's Tracy. Will we get copyrighted if we play this? Yeah. Yeah. And we'll go to hell.

It's a treasure chest. Can you put it on but turn it on mute? I and we'll go to hell it's a treasure chest can you put it on I'm mute I just want to I want to see it it's a treasure yeah we're gonna need a work laptop it's a treasure chest

of one liners my question is which accent in a porno would make batting out batting one out near impossible she's fit no she's not

smack it oh Tracy you're right she's wonderful we can't put we can't play the sound because of YouTube copy and frishing but I'll do the voices like Oh, Tracy. You're right. She's wonderful. We can't play the sound because of YouTube copy and frisbee, but I'll do the voices like, You're right.

I'm Tracy, and I've never had it in batting before. Ay. The code is 27, Steve. Skip it forward. Get to the first one, gold. What's? I can only imagine. Let's see if she knows her way around the clock. No.

Oh, dear. Oh, God. Where's she going. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, God. Where's she going? Oh, dear. They're not... They're the best tits I've ever seen.

Are you hungover? Are you up? Right. I tell you what, that's quite a nice pussy. We need a female on this staff so badly. And it's not Tracy,

by the way. Hiya. I'm Tracy. this is my first job at a podcast oh you bastard um my question is which accent in a porno would make batting one out near impossible i'd say south shield pretty bad yeah accent oh no i like the jordy accent me and it's Very similar isn't it Yeah Oh you Chinese does it for me Definitely No well all the Japanese porn I think

I think it's too irritating That's not a voice That's not a voice Or an accent That's a noise Yeah but they all do A weird like Very like

Like girly sort of like It's Too big Have you not watched Japanese porn Yeah, but they all do a weird like very like like girly sort of like If you don't watch Japanese porn, I'd say Brum you would be mine. Yeah, I feel like that is yeah Tennis yeah French is good. How you say? How you say I'm coming I'm going to squirt all over the room like a broken fire hydrant how you say i like it how you say fuck me in the pussy sam crook says all right let's question for all the boys's the weirdest thing? I genuinely think we've done that question.

As I finished it, I was like, I'm almost sure we've done it. Get ready for second lap round, everyone. Sam Crook says, all right, lids, question for all the boys. What's the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you in a toilet? I was recently in a bar in Manchester, which only had two unisex cubicles, no urinals, went for a piss, but only put the door to, put the door to rather than

lock it. A guy walks in and says, oh sorry mate, didn't realise you were in here. Is it alright if we cross streams? So Sam Crook was in a, come on, there is an etiquette in a toilet. You know the sword fight before? What, in a cubicle? He's encroached on your

space there. Yeah, in a cubicle, it's a bit roughly. Yeah. I've just had a really weird memory from childhood where i remember being at uh john and helen my mum mum's friends they turned in the lake district and uh they had these like battleships little like sort of paper battleships that you put in the toilet, and then you pissed on it as a little game, and there was an aim thing. Yeah. Those little footy ones in Macaulay,

you're pissing onto the footy and score a goal with it. Right. I must have been. I'm hoping I was really young for this one because I seem to remember someone else pissing as well. I think there was... Oh. The maddest thing anyone's said to me.

This wasn't even that long ago. Have I been abused? Let me just check. No, I don't think so. I think it was a nice game. Yeah. Yeah. There's something weird

about sharing a toilet though, isn't there? Yeah. Have you ever done that as mates? We've never had a soul fight, no. No. Because you have to see each other's dick really,

don't you? It's fine though. I haven't seen Carl's dick. You've seen mine. No, I know, but you don't... I haven't seen Carl's dick you've seen mine no I know but you don't I've only seen Adam's dick erect

yeah that's for your trailer wow was that Berlin twice in three weeks no that was when I was having sex on my dad's bed erm

yeah but ideally I wasn't in the room by the way yeah just out the window what the fuck is that

Christmas decorations is that Christmas decorations Is that Santa on a slate Oh no it's Adam's dick Get it back in Broke the window I was pissing In McCooley

It was not that long ago And I felt This was I can't believe I haven't Told you this already A fella said to me It's all well and good Banning fox hunting

Until there's foxes Who won't get out your guard I mean who can disagree you're absolutely right you can't shit in that urinal someone said that to me once

you can't shit in that urinal you can't shit in that urinal it's the one next to what you do shitting I just don't want to be talked to at all

at the urinal I once ran into a nightclub club bar oh my god I can't talk a nightclub toilet and screamed get out to Adam

because our song came on. I was having a wee and I'd queued for a while and I was having a piss and our favourite song come on and he ran into the toilet

and screamed get out! So I did and we went and danced to it and then I went and finished Well you stopped pissing Yeah I had a good prostate at the time

I was young No come on You can't Once a wee stop No I can stop a piss I can stop a piss now Stop a piss to go for a dance Really

If the song's undone There's only one drop Can we play it four times a night What was the I thought about half What was the song do you remember Diamonds Found Here by Avicii Diam? Diamonds Found Here by Avicii Diamonds

Diamonds Found Here by Avicii It was No It was The other one What? The German national anthem I found

Yeah it's called Diamonds Found Here Yeah Yeah yeah It was that Oh he did No No it's not that one Yeah it is

Banger Can everyone stop a piss To go for a dance I mean I don't have to do it Very often at my house But If I needed to I could

Lou Vegas on Yeah Do I could save a bit of a piss For later if I wanted to I've got the strongest bladder I've had in my life Like ridiculously strong

The research You know what You should be so proud of yourself Amazing I am Let's get you a badge Go on later if I wanted to. I've got the strongest bladder I've ever had in my life. I know. Like, ridiculously strong, I know. Do you know what? You should be so proud of yourself. Amazing. Let's get you a badge. Go on. You've got a badge over there that says

you haven't got a strong bladder or fucking bowels. It was good, wasn't it? Yeah. You don't even wear your glasses when you record, neither.

Lids, lids going. Just not being able to not say it, like at live shows or after live shows, that's always a moment where you've got your knob out and you can feel like the all right you're like let's just let's not do it you know i was in front of the listeners at the toilet a urinal that's where we were back

in the room i was on stage yeah yeah i should not piss on stage at live shows. You're right. Second half of this episode, we had Doug Stanopen, who was phenomenal once he wasn't stoned off his head. I don't even think stoned is the word. He was on another realm. It's space. Bombed in. He turned up absolutely bombed in.

The first half, he's bombed in. Second half, he's phenomenal. And you'll be able to see that it's the first time we've ever recorded in here the first time we sat down and we'd literally just finished the studio doug stanhope turned up who i'm a massive fan of tried to play it cool but we were we needed to go ah but the chronology of how this has happened was all off we ended up doing the first half with doug that you're about to see then having a break and then coming into doing the patreon episode that was out like on wednesday just gone and you'll see us being like right doug like we're all freaked out by the fact that we've got a new studio and he is

the he looked like a a rabbit in in in headlights he was like it was mental how stoned he was but you're really gonna enjoy it watch it watch But you're really going to enjoy it. Watch it. Watch him. You're really going to enjoy it. Relax into it. It's great. Let's go and eat some pasta.

Of course. I love some pasta. I love some pasta. Hi, guys. Now it's time to talk about our sponsor, NordVPN. I, honestly, you'd think by now I'd know what a VPN is.

Still clueless. A VPN is basically Still clueless. A VPN is basically a way to sort of, it's extra security and you can set your country to anywhere in the world. So like your computer, like I could tell my computer, hey, I fancy being in Sri Lanka and then it will give me the Sri Lankan version of Netflix rather than the British one.

There's so much cricket on that. That's amazing. And if you want to watch Sri Lankan porn, but you don't want to do it from Cheshire... Yeah, do it from Sri Lanka? You do it from Sri Lanka. And I use it mainly to get the footy. When it's a three o'clock game,

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What are you waiting for? It's a free hit. Go and do it. Go and sign up and watch the footy from the Bahamas. Or Sri Lanka. Ladies and gentlemen, first guest in the new studio, Mr. Doug Stanhope here. How are you? How are you?

I would have suited up if I knew it's all fancy and shit well we were gonna tell finn to wear the suit hello matthew come on yeah we have started but you can just come in mate that's fine we asked we asked matthew matthew to go and do a lemonade run because doug mentioned lemonade i i feel like we've tried too hard do you know this is like turning up on a first date with like four bunches of flowers like god this guy wants to fuck i told you i would find something else i got a delicious cider instead now a strongbow dark you're gonna drink all of these that's how this is gonna go down because matthew's got a bit of we've got no room in the fridge so they do have to be drunk yeah no there's an adorable little vintage trailer thing next door here. A what?

A little vintage trailer that sells coffee and... Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Yeah, it said homemade lemonade and I'm high as shit. Delicious. What have you had? What are you high on? We ate some edibles on the way up. Yeah?

Yeah. In the car from Nottingham. Yeah, I figured that's a good way to kill two hours each way. Do you know, I've done that drive so many times, the fucking Nottingham to Liverpool, and it would definitely have been better every single time with edibles. Yeah, it was a fantastic idea. Fuck the A50, fuck the M6.

I'm not a huge weed guy, but over last couple years i've been doing edibles and uh and it's yeah it's like are they just everywhere i couldn't start drinking this afternoon and have a good show tonight right yeah uh what's it what's the cut off what's the point in the day where you're like now i can maybe have a beer where's i usually start uh hour and a half before my show. Oh, that's very sensible. Start cocktailing, and it works out perfectly, but you can't do it all day. I tried to do that last week.

I went out at 1 o'clock in the afternoon last week and tried to do a show at 8 o'clock, and it's the worst show I've had in 10 years. By a fucking distance. It was so shit. Yeah, but at least you put your hands up and went, nah, fuck that up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You went a bit too early. Very, very unprofessional and shall not be repeated again. Finn's a big pot man. Finn loves pot. Yeah. We might have some chocolates left. Oh.

Pot chocolate. Finn, can you please get stoned on? Let's christen this fucking studio, Finn, and get you high. Oh, that'd be so good. We keep getting demonetized on YouTube because of pot, so I think- Oh, yeah.

Doing a bit of pot on- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's actually happening. Finn, can we- No, on the Patreon, yeah. All right, all right. I'm just going to get demonetized. All right, okay.

Sorry. Oh, shit, because drugs are bad. Yeah. Thanks, YouTube. Thanks for reminding us. It's illegal, isn't it? You can't just put it on the internet. Yeah, it's so strange that it's illegal over here.

There's so much weed at home. That's half the reason I started taking the edibles, is I love gummies. I was cleaning out. Accidentally, I was cleaning up, and I thought these are fancy gummy bears. I didn't notice all the fucking pot leaves and Jamaican... What state do you live in?

Arizona. And it's legal there now? Yeah. How long has it been legal there? To the point, when we first moved there, everyone had a peach tree, it seemed, but they'd all get ripe at the same time, so once a year, every one of your friends is bringing you a basket of peaches.

That's what it's like with edibles now because everyone's got like they once it became legal i guess people is overstocked up and they're like hey you want edibles i was gonna give you edibles not every not every surely like alabama you can't buy fucking edibles no but i think in my head i don't know the numbers on how many states it's legal. I think medical marijuana, anyone who wants medical marijuana is legal. I think it's like 33 of 50 states. Oh, wow.

Oh, I thought it was less than that. I thought it was a lot less than that. I don't think it'll ever be legal, yeah. 38 states. I think it's a little bit too... I think this is just too Tory. Right. It's very Tory to keep it illegal.

Once those cunts realise they can make money off it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? But they'd already know that. They'd already be doing it, wouldn't they? No, I just think if the consensus is moving anywhere towards, like, maybe we should legal it, they'll fucking work it out.

Like, it'll happen. I'm starting to think it'll happen over here. Has anything gone from illegal to legal in this country in terms of drugs? Have they ever done it they moved weed down to class C that's it I know they moved up

mushrooms I know they were legal for a little bit it's like the fucking league table isn't it who's been relegated who's been promoted ketamine's down to

fucking C well we should do it then if it's just C I just don't know how anything that grows on the planet can be illegal right do

you know what i mean right so that's heroin then is it yeah all right cool but it's it's there though isn't it like it's not like i understand like making a pill is bad because it's all chemicals and shots in in a lab but i think if it grows on the planet came from the earth too somewhere yeah thank you yeah it's all from the earth too, somewhere. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's all from the earth. Well, I'll fucking shut up then, eh?

No, no, I know what you mean. I just think if something grows naturally, weed, which is literally a plant, you can't tell me, I can't have that.

Yeah, and cocaine comes from the earth. They can tell you not to jerk off on the bus. This came from me. This is just natural. I'm just, yeah. Everyone does it yeah i'm taking a shit on your doorstep it's natural we all do it just on the ring doorbell for your neighbor i i know we've only just met today but you're actually talking to the wrong two people here because he has wanked

on a bus before and i regularly shit myself can i just say it wasn't like a quick bus into town i'm an animal but i'm not that much of an animal i'm not like getting on two stops wanking and then get it was a it was a coach it was like a greyhound it was like a fucking i don't think it's still disgusting come on or in the like underneath the blanket or. It was just, oh God. I was about four rows from anyone. I was towards the back. It was a quiet coach. How old were you?

It was about four months ago. It's like 23. I was the horniest, dirty. It was, it was go, it was going down to my first ever paid gig. So then gone, it was Nottingham. was going down to my first ever paid gig so hang on it was nottingham so that would have been 2002 late 2002 so i'd have been 21 all right yeah at last it wasn't like a big wank i didn't have like there's some years in there where you if you just had a like a

instant recall rolodex of the silliest things you stuck your dick in and between okay question what's the silliest thing you've stuck your dick in oh i've i've that's why i'm saying if i had instant recall i'm oh i thought you're talking about i'm sure i tried to fuck a melon uh it's more worrying that you can't definitely remember. We might have. Oh, mate. Thinking about it, though, watermelons, they fucking, they want it. I've fucked a watermelon before. No, no, no.

No, you've not. No, you've not. You're just getting excited. You've never fucked a watermelon. I have fucked a watermelon. You're from Dove Club. This kind of answers my question about, or your question, why weren't you invited to his wedding?

Well, he didn't get a plus one for the watermelon. It's just turned up. I did actually fuck a watermelon once. Really? Yeah. I didn't want to talk to you about the cake. Did someone take a bite of it? Sort of.

Just turn the little fucking groom and bride away. You can't fuck a cake. It's just, fuck. What's the most fuckable fruit? Is it melon? What? The inside of a watermelon feels like a pussy, doesn't it? No.

What, with seeds? It's fleshy, isn't it? No, it is, like, it did feel good. Did you warm it up? No. So it was like a corpse? Why did I find that? Did you warm it up? That it was like why did i find that that was so did you warm it up that would be too dirty wouldn't it if you're putting a watermelon in a microwave to fuck it sort your

life out yeah i was hungover i was newly single and when i'm hungover i get surrounded by fruit i was in a green grocery no i No, I actually had the thought, you can fuck a watermelon, and I went and bought it. Specifically to fuck it. When? I didn't just have a watermelon. That's worse. Testing for freshness. You went out to shag fruit.

No, I went out to get fruit to bring it back to shagging the house. I didn't fuck the watermelon in Asda. I just want to say, when I think of what fruit is the most fuckable, I have to think, well, is it a top or a bottom? Yeah, you can't be submissive with a watermelon. Just make a move. Tying yourself up. It rolls.

It was quite, it was nice. Right. It did happen, by the way. Cool. This is a new studio, and I don't mind if you fuck a woman in here, but do not fuck a watermelon in this building. No, I won't fuck.

So, yeah, right, this is the new place. Yeah, I wish I saw the old place, because that way I'd have some context every time you tell me this is the new place. The, I wish I saw the old place, because that way I'd have some context every time you tell me this. The old place was an absolute shithole. It was a smelly cupboard. So here's the thing, right? I'm single. I'm the only one here who's single out of us three, right?

And I think I should be allowed to have sex in here. And he wants to bar me from doing that. Well, I would... allowed to have sex in here and he wants to bar me from doing that well i would yeah it's like a wet dog i'd put something down you should be able to fuck in here but not on your stuff thank you you can come in hazmat suits that's fine oh the et fuck that's great and if i come in there's an ass mark on my desk an ass mark on the desk yeah That's great. If I come in and there's an arse mark on my desk. An arse mark on the desk? Yeah. I'm not going to fuck anyone on the desk.

There's perfectly good couches all over the place. Oh yeah, the couches that I sit on? Yeah. It's the same thing. I'll wipe it down. It's leather. No, just that one isn't out there. I think Doug's every right to be nervous.

We're like, just invite him in and we're like, something's getting fucked in here, Doug. And I don't see any fruit. He'll bring a squeegee on his date. Oh, much enough. He wouldn't. He's such a fucking animal. No, I just imagine him walking around the whole date

with a squeegee. What's that for? Later. You'll understand. I'm a very sensitive lover. I'll bring some.. You'll understand. I'm a very sensitive lover. I'll bring some that's all right. Just where is the, where's the most random place you've fucked someone?

Where like this studio will easily go up there for surely if you bonk someone in here. I don't think this is random though. I think fucking at work is like, like I think a lot of people do it. Yeah, with your colleagues, though. The sexy thing is fucking your colleagues. Doug, have you got any?

When I was... My first TV show, I had only been doing comedy a year and a half, evening at the improv. And so I watched it at a bar because I wanted people to see me and with my open mic friends. And then a girl that was with someone.

Anyway, we wound up in a porn shop, in a jack joint. I don't know what your smut shops are like over here or were like. But you go in where you rent videos, and it's a booth, so you jack off and you get your few screens of choices. But they have little windows at the bottom between the booths so people can look into the other booth and a guy's sitting there jerking off while he's watching me fuck this girl after my show and it was funny and i was laughing hey i was on tv now i'm fucking a girl in a smut shop. It's one of those where you dare each other to go.

Oh my God. And then you fucking... So, cut to, I run into her a few months later, and we go to have some drinks at a bar, and we pass that smut shop, and I go, you want to go back in? She said, yeah. But the second

time, it felt really gross. Like, if this is a habit, it's gross. And then someone's again watching you fucking. You're like, you should just leave. Yeah, all right. Yeah, you can't repeat that. That has to stay. Yeah.

That has to stay as a thing. The one-off is funny. Yeah. And then you're like. I mean, we don't have that, though. No, we've got porn, like, adult stores. That's like Amsterdam. We've got, that's in Amsterdam.

Like, closest to us, I suppose. But we've got no. Oh! I thought we were talking about, like, adult stores. That's like Amsterdam. We've got, that's in Amsterdam, like, closest to us, I suppose. But we've got no... Oh! I thought we were talking about, like, a cash converters. Oh, for fuck's sake. With someone's secondhand flute. Hey, why don't you look up inside of a jizz booth at an adult bookstore and see if you can Google image search.

Oh, yeah, first Google search is jizz booth. How many states is weed legal in? Jizz booth America. what a fucking song that would be yeah well yeah is it like is it just like a little corral the cursor just just went over a dildo like an adult bookstore type of adult bookstore Adult bookstore sex booth. Right. We don't really have that. We don't have that at all, do we? We don't have wanky booths. No?

Oh, wow. Well, let's not have any of them. Oh, shit, there's Doug. It's just like an adult bookstore with... Go back to that. Go back. Look at the very bottom row, second from the right. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Demonetized. Oh God. Yeah, do you reckon? And we're going to not slide that in now. Yeah, we've got nothing. We've got nothing like that. If you're listening and you don't watch on YouTube,

we just saw images of someone eating. What do you mean if you don't watch on YouTube? Do you think we're sliding them in? I know, but just for context, someone was What do you mean if you don't watch on YouTube? Do you think we're sliding them in? I know but just for context someone was getting in their ass hole eating That was senior analingus At the OAP home Come here Marjorie

They're up to it man They're shagging in OAP homes They fuck everyone Analingus Good airline. Fucking not bad. Old people homes. Fucking, there's loads of... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't you know? That's how the queen dies. Because he lives in one. We fucking... Because visiting my nana was boring. What are you saying, Mary? Dirty old bitch. Don't shag your nan.

No, you can imagine that they do fucking go bananas in those places when the lights are off. When the lights are off, they just fall over and break a hip. That's what the cat is on. Turn the lights off. That's the last thing you do. That's how it gets started.

He's laying there all defenseless with that broken hip. When we turn the lights on, they'll all be shagging. Oh, no, they're all sat in their own piss. Brilliant, nice one. That wasn't a- She's just ordered, just takes a little bit. That is a convenient excuse though. If you've got like a piss fetish and you covered in piss

and you're like, have you got a piss fetish, Marjorie? And she's like, no, this is mine. Yeah, that is a good excuse. Convenient excuse. Piss fetish soaked in piss? If anyone's ever fucked in an old people's home while visiting an old person, you are a different level of horny.

Like if you've gone with your missus and then you're going, you know what? This, the sadness in the air has just got me feeling frisky, babe. Let's go to this disabled toilet with all these handles so we can hold on. That is a fun. I couldn't fuck in an old people's home. It's the smell.

You know, like, it smells like meat. Yeah, good meat. Meat? No, but like, old people smell like the back room of a butcher's. Do you know what I mean? You've never been in either of the things? An old people's home nor the back room of a butcher's? What are you on about?

Ah! What the fuck are you on about? Fucking help me. I'm telling you, the next time you go to an old people's home, you'll know exactly what I mean. They smell like uncooked lamb. Cool. I'll let you know.

I'll book one in. I'll book a visit in. Do you know they're a bit weird about you visiting when you don't have an old person in there? You do have raw chicken in your refrigerator. That's mine. As well as dildos. You have raw chicken and two dildos

in the fridge that you have to get packed. The cider's behind those. And mints. So if you wanted to pull out the raw chicken and say,

guess who's nana that smells like, we could do a little game show. Yeah. People get the nana cremated. We didn't. We just got to put in like a little plastic packaging. Why have we got two dildos in the fridge, by the way?

Doug raises a good point. I mean, it's more, you'll know. When else should you chill them? Because I want to see how many people mention it. Right. I've got a tally chart going, Doug's number three. I'm going to tell every guest to get their own drink and see how many of them go.

I thought you thought they might go bad. Got to keep your dildo in the fridge when it goes off. It's an edible dildo. Back to the pictures on there. I like the idea of a Gloria. Right. Do you know what I mean? I'll get Peter back in.

Put one in the wall. We're already having a little bit of a problem with echoes wait till the dick comes through a wall i'm just like the idea of getting sucked off from someone i can't see i think turns me on a bit uh do you understand just yeah yeah i think uh if you like jack joints for uh uh massage parlor handjob joints, I think you should have a glory hole so you can, you know, in the table.

Oh my God. A hole for your face and a hole for your dick. Yeah, a hole for your dick and then just milk you like a goat rather than make you flip over and do the awkward.

Yeah. Poor Swedish woman on her knees on the table just fucking Swedish yeah we've had but she could just

go under there and it would have the same kind of glory hole effect but you just get a massage from her so you're pretty sure it's not

you know some trucker you can still feel the mustache but just close your eyes do you know my worry with the glory hole is that

I just couldn't get I've not got the biggest dick so I close your eyes. Do you know what my worry with the glory hole is? That I just couldn't get, I've not got the biggest dick. I'd be worried that, do you know what I mean? Yeah. How big is the, is the wall insulated? Yeah, you're not getting through an insulated wall. Yeah, yeah. It's got oceans all over it. You need to be like, you'd have to have a glory hole in like a tent, wouldn't you?

Mate, if I visit Japan, I'll do the glory hole all day yeah yeah yeah that'd be it but if there's any sort of cladding i'm fucked keep keep it going get it in i'm like bashing against the wall i don't know getting sucked off by a stranger's weird no it isn't it's lovely yeah he's fucked a watermelon sorry it's not the moral compass of this room, is he? You don't know what it's like to get sucked off by a stranger. Well, the first time you get a blowjob, everyone's a stranger, so you make them as a friend, mate. No, no, no, no.

You've never been sucked off by a stranger. You've been in a relationship with everyone who's sucked you off. It's true. He's only ever had two. I'm a serial monogamist serial monogamist i mean one of them was longer than the other one like it wasn't like it's been yeah so you don't know what it's like to get sucked off by a stranger yeah let's do it as a patreon special i'll get sucked off by a stranger come on it's content isn't it okay

nice one i don't think he misses this is gonna allow that's what no um how long have you been doing stand-up dog how long has been going 32 years wow that's you two put together yeah fucking 12 years is that asterisk or the covid you know yeah where none of us did you said you don't do zoom calls what did you do for a podcast did you so it would stop at all no so during covid we did do it on zoom and we did it every day just one-on-one watching each other slowly break down mentally and i we hated talking to each other towards the end of it because how can you have an interesting conversation with the same person every day when you're doing nothing we did my podcast mean, it already sucks

because I don't put any effort into it, but during COVID when it's just us going, so what'd you do this week? Nothing. I stared at you. I have nothing new to say. Yeah. Did you do any online gigs or did you just not do anything?

No, not gigs. No, I'm very, I could easily never do stand-up again no fuck up really yeah after covid i this is fantastic this is what i want to do with the rest of my life is absolutely nothing you know you know there was there was a period like i started missing it but there was there was a weird anxiety about oh shit i shit, I don't know. I was fucking skinned. I was scared. That's what I loved is I had no, like when I've taken time off for myself as my own choice, I feel like I'm, you know, I should be back at work.

I had no anxiety because I had an excuse. I had COVID. I had no reason. And I could actually enjoy having time off rather than feeling like I should be working. I'm being lazy but i don't want to write a new set so fuck it you know it always it's it's yeah to be to be home with my wife and i did bedtime like with my daughter on a run like like read her story got her

ready for bed and i haven't in all her life never done that i've never done that for more than two nights and then i've got gig gig gig maybe a that i've never done that for more than two nights and then i've got gig gig gig maybe a night off in the same bed for over a year since as a teenager oh my god yeah there was certain bits of it the sort of simplicity if you could get away from the anxiety of like what the fuck is going on when am i gonna earn again the mortgage you know yeah well i also had the benefit of having i live in in the middle of nowhere, and all my friends, they don't have families or jobs, so everyone's naturally quarantined. So I could hang out with my friends,

and we had a big patio and a yard, and I wasn't staying with some New York comic that was stuck in 400 square feet of studio the whole time. Yeah, that I can see making you crazy, but I have a nice spread for it. Is this true or is this legend that your address has been sort of passed out? Google Doug Stanhope's address.

And your fans just turn up, knock on it and say, hey. No, it's not close to anything. Is it Bisbee? Bisbee. Bisbee. So it's just public knowledge. Literally. I fucking love it.

And you've got fans that surely would do that trek. Some people have. Occasionally, someone will peek their head over the gate, and if I'm out, I'll wave and take a picture. Right. The legend of comics. It's so funny. I've heard from comics. Do you standover is like let let people know he's a drug if you knock on he like

you can have a beer you can come in i think the chinese whispers is going around you get a roast dinner everyone you know stay over well i know he used to have have an open invite for football, but then Rogan brought it up. And I'm like, yeah, shit. He goes, so anyone can come to your house for football? I'm like, my neighbors. And if you're a comic that happens to be driving through on your way to LA to Austin as the pilgrimage goes, it's a little bit off that beaten path.

But once I said it on Rogan, then fucking idiots started showing up. Tailgating at Doug's stand-up house. Yeah, so I'm still trying to shut that rumor down. Right, okay, so that's where it... You know what? When my wife, she was in a coma for a month, had a bad spill, traumatic brain injury,

and when she got out, it was during football playoffs when she got home and uh it was the perfect excuse because she can't be around people she can't be overstimulated because the the brain's still healing so that was like we got rid of most most of our football friends aren't into football so i get it down to just a handful back to how it started that actually watched the games and yeah my wife's coma was a godsend yeah getting rid of people watching football with too many people becomes just being at the hub or what you're having beers isn't it i i watched the first host i'm doing spent most of the time cooking or replenishing drinks and ice. So Sunday Just Gone was the first night of the NFL night. So the 1 p.m. East Coast slot, we get at like 6.

So we watch those games. And then the next slot, which is like four or five games, and I had my mate James Allen, who's a comedian over. It was just me and him. It's great. That's the perfect. Or maybe one more. And then beyond that, there's too much going on.

I want to sit with one nfl geek because over here you've got to be a bit of a sort of football geek to be into it yeah and we just we hardly chatted about comedy at all mentioned maybe slagged off two other comics and then and that whole night was just being geeks i love that i love watching it with one person who's equally geeky yeah i don't want to like when we went to watch the superbowl that was fucking great but it was beers it was food it was chicken wings didn't actually watch the game that well i fucking love it when you've just got one die hard next to you i love that we're having a superbowl party in here though yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah who's your team wolverhampton. No, in the NFL.

What? How are you a wanderer? How are you a wanderer? How are you a Wolverhampton wanderer, Fran? Why Wolverhampton? We did this tour that was just horrific in 2012. Seven weeks in the UK. Where I don't for what i have six shows in you know six towns in the uk and i'm good yeah yeah we're in the places that he has never heard of uh anyway

so while wolverhampton was the uh the best show on the tour and the most, the Wolverhampton is going to suck. Everyone's warning us how bad Wolverhampton is to the point where I know this is going to be great because everyone says that it's shit in towns that are shit. So, and they were great. Comedy works better. That's good, my team. Comedy works better in towns that are shit.

Yeah. It works better in places where there's no hope and no joy because they need us there yeah if you go to a nice posh town they don't want us they're all fucking up lancaster shit gig cambridgeshire shit gig york won't go into it again shite otter shite newcastle unbelievable stockton middlesbrough unbelievable liverpool i mean this is a great city castle was my team until i got to wolverhampton because on that same tour and of course as soon as i said wolverhampton's my team they get relegated i buried my dog uh in a's flag. Yeah, someone because...

Was the dog dead? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Hoping they'd be reborn as a wolf. Do you follow? I was burying the flag. I just used the dog to weigh it down. Do you properly follow English football then?

If it's on, I'm watching it, but it's on really early, which is sometimes a good thing. If you wake up, you can't sleep. It's 5 a.m. Oh, shit. Premier League is on. Also, if you're American and someone goes,

who's your team? I mean, we meant NFL team, but it's way funnier that you're Wolverhampton Wanderers. If you go Wolves, everyone goes, oh, fucking sound. There's like five or six teams, and if you say them, you're like, oh yeah, of course. Shane Gillis has hopped between about seven different teams now.

But Wolves is such a fair box to you. Also like the Tottingham Hotspurs. Nailed it. That's what they're called. Tottingham. Just to say that and make people in the audience cringe. Shane, when he came over, he told me he was a United fan.

And then I took Shane to the FA Cup final between Liverpool and Chelsea. And he was like, oh, I'm going to be a Chelsea fan. And now that Arsenal are doing well, he texted me the other week and said, oh, I think I'm going to switch to Arsenal. I was like, you're doing with the English football what I've done with the NFL,

which is try and piss off people who really like it by buying the merch of every fucking team so i've got like a chief's top a bears top a rams top and it's just because i've got friends who are really really into it and they're like you have one team you pick one team you follow them and i just i really enjoy pissing those people off you picked a chicago. When we went to watch the NFL in America, you basically did the thing of, I like the colors. Yeah. I like the blue and the orange.

That's exactly what I am the fruitiest fan of the uniforms. I'm a huge uniform guy. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers old creamsicle uniform. Oh, the old 70s one. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm a New Orleans Saints fan fan partly because i love that black and gold yeah i fucking love that i think it looks great when they do all black with the gold trim oh it's so nice yeah it's gorgeous

and you know what i hate to say it my favorite uniform up until i've Redskins had the best uniform. I love the logo. I love the maroon on yellow and now that's just drab maroon. Yeah, it was so they're now the Washington commanders because the Redskins is being canceled. It's naughty in it. They were just the Washington football team for two years.

Yeah, but because everyone gets called by their nickname, like so it's like chief seahawks there's just two years where we all just had to accept the football team was a score dickheads just say washington skins yeah that's what they called him anyway are you skins fan yeah the washington skin red out of it the washington days The Washington Vays. The Washington Wokes. Oh, that would have been fucking great. Who made them change it?

Was it just like public outrage? Because it's been that for years. Yeah, well, it's gained steam. Like everything else gained steam. Yeah. I always make my preseason Super Bowl picks, and I never try to be right, but this year I picked the Chargers

over the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings? And they just beat the Packers? Chargers are my little... Saints are going to be fun, but... I still call them San Diego. San Diego Superchargers. I love them.

I will go ahead with the Washington Commandos, but I'm always going to call the Los Angeles Chargers the San Diego Chargers because that's where they came from and it's where they belong, and hopefully they go back. Yeah. Have you got a team? Arizona Cardinals. That's where I live.

Nobody roots for them because everyone in Arizona is a transplant. So they just root for wherever cold that they came from. Is it just a load of people retiring to Arizona? Yeah, it's not quite as transient as Vegas, except Vegas has a cool team. So you can move from Carolina to Vegas know jump ship immediately because raiders are cool yeah arizona cardinals are not so are the arizona cardinals not cool like we're boring the shit out of everybody let's move on the uh the uniforms though it's back to the i know i know

we're making it sound like a fashion thing but the LA Chargers have got a powder blue that is just lovely. And the Raiders is cool as fuck because of NWA, because of Ice Cube, because of like, over here, that was so popular. The black, the silver, the LA, they were LA then. Is that why you're in Compton House? Yeah, yeah. We asked them to change, isn't it? Yeah, man.

Shall we? Let's break. True break? Yeah break yeah i gotta get some ads in oh my god my own ads for my podcast how fucking helix mattress if we gave if we gave doug a read to just do one of our adverts it would be so like an eight minute advert what the fuck is this um i mean if it's not gonna happen but it would be good like an 8 minute advert what the fuck is this it's not going to happen but it would be good what's happening lads Manscaped have sent us a new advert read through

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It. All right, we're back. I couldn't say the word break as we went to break. I'm just rectifying that. No one heard it in the room. I didn't get the piss taken out of me, but everyone heard it. I went, all right, let's go to Beck. So I just wanted to say, I can talk.

We've got a gift for Adam. We've got a gift for Adam. It's sexy time. It's your ex. Hole's not big enough oh my god that's about my size that's about my depth we're gonna end the episode

on a Adam just fucking out bum on a melon yeah the thing is though I've moved on from this now I like women now right alright boo

I'll take the melon. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, Matthew, can you go and get a woman as well, please? Don't stick a hole in her. All right. That was too far. This episode is sponsored by fruit. Use code Carl10.

10% off fruit. In the break, we were... You know what? Better help. You can also use promo code Stanhope laughing laughing laughing

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That's fucking great. Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah. We were talking about comics. In the break, we were just chatting about comics getting, like, attacked, which is, obviously, Jim Jefferies basically launched his career getting a fucking slap in Manchester, and you were saying, poorly sure,

there was a fucking attempted attack or something? I don't remember the story specifically but I think he tried to fake an on stage attack and but it was just like so see through I think they didn't put it up some urban legend like that. And there's a lad

Chris Rock who started doing really well off a slap that he got earlier in the year. I don't know if you've heard it. He's doing arenas now. Have you ever I mean you've 32 years of gigging and you must have pissed some people off. I think it's the same stage as Jim Jefferies wasn't it? And again when I was doing that MySpace pedophiles bit

I didn't get hit but a guy tried to get on the stage. The comedy store in Manchester? Yeah. It's the same place. What do you think is the most you've ever pissed an audience member off? Is there a distinct memory of the worst that's gone with someone? No, I'm trying to think of any. But what did he do?

He got on stage and then didn't punch you. Like, come on, you've got halfway. Security was right there by the time he got up. He was coming at me, and then they took him out. I think that's probably on YouTube, but it's a non-event. The one that comes to mind is in the Fringe Festival, I was hosting a show, which I'm a fucking terrible emcee. I just bring people down, and then comics come up

and try to fight their way out, and then I make it worse between comedians. And I was talking about ecstasy. It's always something that's benign that someone goes fucking ape shit about. You do all your fist fuck abortion, whatever, rape cancer jokes, and then you say diabetes and someone flips it

because it affects them. So that's what happened. I was doing a bit about ecstasy, and a girl starts screaming and crying drunk, saying, that's not funny. My sister died of ecstasy. And I go, first of all, no one dies from ecstasy.

They die from maybe not hydrating or fucking being stupid. They don't die from ecstasy. What did she die of? She was stupid. Did you say that? Yeah. Oh, my God.

I'm like, first of all, no one dies from ecstasy. It's people like your sister that gives drugs a bad name because she's fucking dancing all night in a beef and didn't drink any water, and you're going to give the drug a bad name? And then welcome to the stage next. Which I do. She's the Tron in Edinburgh.

It's like there's three stories of bars. So she had gone upstairs. She left and I bring up the next comedian. Scott Capuro is coming up and she's up there still bawling her eyes out and tells all her fucking hooligan friends that the american comedian downstairs is making fun of her dead sister so thank god i'm a smoker because it saved my life i'm out back smoking while scott capuro is on stage an american comedian

so these two fucking knotheads come up on either side of them on stage poking and there's no there's there's no security there there's the ticket booth lady and the lady that's running you're lucky if she's fucking there at the tron like just the tonic who i've done four or five fringes with are you know they run a a shoestring team it was a noise like i love daryl i love daryl oh fuck me he could do with a few more members of staff up there daryl is the reason that i'm doing two nights in nottingham oh really yeah he's evidently whatever room we were supposed to be in as of a couple weeks ago, someone emailed me and said, hey, I contacted the venue. They say there's no Doug Stanhope show there.

So he'd been selling tickets without having secured any venue anywhere. We just found this out, and that's why we, thankfully, the Glee Club took us in last minute like refugees. So that's Daryl. He has got that in him, like refugees. So that's Daryl. He has got that in him, hasn't he? Hi, Daryl. How you doing? You all right?

I know I'm going to get a text. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah. The fringe is not the place where you usually need security, though. To be fair, I'm not just playing devil's advocate. I'm smoking. So someone from the show, Hannigan

or one of the comics said, you gotta get out of here. I brought my coat and we ran down the back stairs and they're in the meantime still trying to get these two fucking hoopoe heads off the stage and Scott Kapoor is not just an American comedian. He is a

flamingly gay. He's like, who are you? Who are you? just an american comedian he is a flamingly gay and the thing is though with scott if scott was like if they were like you made fun of my dead sister or whatever scott capora would then absolutely make fun of your dead sister like if he was getting accused of that he'd be like well i wasn't but i fucking will now they were about to beat the fuck out of them and it took the girl that was hosting the event to finally talk them off stage by then i was secured at another bar now relieved of my mc duties wow the main thing is if you're're going to get fucking attacked, it's got to be filmed. That's the thing where I make such a big deal anymore about everyone. Keep your phones.

Don't bring your phone out during the performance. There's no videotaping. Fucking Chappelle, you have to put your phone in a knapsack. Yeah, it's like a little. No, that doesn't count for a violence. Yeah, bring your phones out then. So many times,

one chick tried to claim that I threw out at the end of a show. I was literally 90 seconds from closing and she had been such an awful fucking blowhard. Couldn't stop the entire show that that was the last time i go there's only like a minute and a half of this closing bit and you're gonna have to fucking i won't do it till you leave and they threw her out and then she tried to claim that she had been sexually assaulted on her way out groped by a dozen men and the security guard groped her and thank God it was one of those times that someone didn't listen to the don't, you know, someone videotaped her entire exit where she was not even touched by the elbows guided to the exit. Cause she was that drunk, not a single person. And this was

after she had Facebooked it. Her friend was on, got on Twitter and was on my Twitter. Everyone's like, you have to do something about this. I'm contacting the club. And the next morning, here's the fucking Zapruder comes through with the fucking clear evidence of she's full of shit. Even her friend, like, I don't know why she lied to me like that. I am so sorry that I just immediately believed her and I'm like oh yeah Carl had a problem like that everyone just looked at Carl so Carl used to be

the manager of a comedy club and there was a woman who he uh had to tell to shut up because she wouldn't stop fucking talking during the show and uh she wrote a letter to the club saying he'd threatened to throw her down the stairs and that he'd pinned her up against the wall in the toilet oh wow it's not true but did you have

a video to well the CCTV the thing with the club is 200 people and this was in the break so if that would have happened there would have been dozens of witnesses

she said I pinned her up against the toilet the women's toilet which had 50 women in I'm sure they would have stopped me doing that she must have done something and there's the CCTV everywhere

I spoke to the owner who I'm good friends with and he was like I know it's all absolute bullshit don't worry but she went out to get me sacked fired wow just because I told her to stop talking we're in the era of If you piss me off slightly I'm going to try

And end your career It's not enough That you're like I think you've done Something wrong And I'm pissed off That you've upset me Can I have an apology

It's not good enough is it We've got to give One star reviews This place is disgusting They need to lose the licence You should never work again You're like Calm the fuck down

Maybe you want an apology I'm still allowed to earn a living. People expected those to stop being a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. We had a clip. I tweeted something about, hey, every comedy club, every one of you should have a speaker in the green room

so you can hear what's going on on stage when the other acts are on stage. Yes. And I got a lot of good responses anyway. One response I got was, yeah, and hey, comedy clubs, you guys should start warning people when a sexual predator is going to be on your lineup, which is a Louis C.K. probably reference, but whoever has been accused of whatever. We should be warned if he's going to be on the show. Why don't you go into the fucking kitchen of the diner next time you have breakfast and see how many felons

are cooking ex cons yeah are fucking changing your fucking tire a jiffy lube you fucking one note wonder that was the interesting thing when someone does something wrong now and like everyone's like right let's cancel them or get them fired or whatever what are they meant then meant to do for a living you know once they're like sort of in trouble if you've been to prison for murder and you come out you've got to be able to do something so you can eat and fucking drink yeah by the way uh the uh the the list if you had a gig where it was all just this fucking reprobates who've done something wrong probably be a great bill i know i'm being a dick

and it's been a running kind of cliched joke since this all started but there's going to be a cancel culture tour of all these canceled comedians touring together and And I'm, I'm, I don't see why it hasn't happened. I, that would be hilarious. I mean, people say it would be hilarious in theory, but no, in reality,

that would be hilarious. It'd be so fucking funny. Got some questions. Um, the problem is they're all doing well enough on their own. They don't need to tour together. Yeah. It really gets canceled.

Great for sales. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Um, uh,. No one really gets cancelled. Great for sales. Yeah. Go ahead. Jay Ryan says, favorite city to gig in the state, as we're talking about stand-up, Jay Ryan says, favorite city to gig in the states

and favorite outside of the states. Where are the places you look forward to playing back home and when you're on your travels? These are so hard, these questions, because like we said, the shittier the town, the better the audience generally. So I'll just say Wolverhampton is my favorite place outside of the States.

And again, there's places you love to go, but the gigs are all right. I love to go to Portland, and I have a really good audience there, but you show up in... Portland's meant to be like the most woke, like over the top. Yeah, but my audience goes around those people

and comes into the room and we all laugh. And then it's not like those woke people are going, oh, what's in here for $55 plus ticket master fees? Yeah. So in theory, that's the same. It's the same theory as like, yeah, people in places that are a bit shitty

and like life is hard. You get good gigs. The standout fans in Portland, Oregon have to deal with so many douchebags. They're like, oh, finally. Yeah.

The fucking relief of actually watching proper comedy. Like, Anthony Jessonic filmed his first Netflix special in San Francisco, which is exactly what you're talking about. It's supposed to be ultra-woke, certainly like a massive LGBT community over there. And it's meant to be this sort of really hipster-woke New Age town.

And he starts the special by going, a lot of people have asked me why I'm filming it here when it's like a super-woke town. It's like, well, it's fucking not when I'm on stage because there aren't any jess on fans and there's also like a like comedy works better when it feels illegal when it feels naughty and wrong so like those little gigs that popped up throughout the pandemic where we weren't supposed to be doing them but they just happened and you got people into a room some of the best gigs we've

ever ever had we we put on a uh a conference there was a weird little window coming out of covid where the government was trying to get businesses back to her but wouldn't let people go and watch comedy gigs so we put on a conference for people to learn how to do stand-up and they paid about you know 15 quid 20 quid and then we put together it's quite good we put together about five comedians and they taught stand-up by doing comedy to about 100 people that wanted to learn how to do comedy. It was great. No one took notes.

They just sat and laughed. It was a really good conference. I enjoyed it. A friend that just getting out of prison and one of the things in the halfway house kind of release, he couldn't do stand-up comedy, which is great because he's terrible but i told him that he shouldn't say if you can't do comedy but go to a start a uh

poetry right at night and just make all your shit rhyme or make it not rhyme and just be like this is me poem i'm just really fucking bad at poems. Go to karaoke and say, this next song is called my act, and I'm going to do it acapella. Did you record a special in Norway? Yeah, that was a terrible mistake. Why? Just because it wasn't ready to be a special. It was all new, being worked out in the process.

Kind of good, but not nearly ready to film. But Hannigan, the filthy Scotsman, it was cheap and he found a really good deal where we could get done for pennies on the dollar by a really good camera person. And so I said yes. Good crowd though, apart from like the... Well, it was...

They're very stiff over there. Again, one of my favorite places to go is Norway. Stavanger and Bergen and... But the audiences are... welcoming. The Scandinavian people are all just kind of nice. Oh, yeah, they're chuffed. They're like...

There's no highs and lows with them. Fuck, I love Norway. I need to go back to Norway. people are all just kind of nice oh yeah they're chuffed that they're like they're chuffed highs and lows with them i've got a fuck i love norway i need to go back to norway getting checked out by like objective eights like like fit beautiful women who are looking at you going oh yeah you look all right because if you look i swear to god there's so many there's so many beautiful women in norway there's that what we consider a fucking beautiful woman is average for Norway. Their expectations are lower. They do look a little bit inbred.

I like that. I like that. I love eyes close together. I think I even said that on that special is there's no porn in them. There's no... There's no fuck me. They're sexless kind of...

I know exactly what he means. I think the Scandinavians, they're sexless kind of. I know exactly what he means. You know, I think like the Scandinavians, like they're objectively beautiful, but they're less like fuckable. They're behind the eyes. Do you know what I mean? They're just like, it's like they're like too perfect. Yeah.

Like. Yeah. You never see a Swedish woman with like a limp. Do you know what I mean? No, you don't. Do you know what I mean? And like, I need that. I need something wrong with them. Yeah. Well, it's a japanese artist who says uh it's the most

amazing what you're looking for in a woman uh i'm going to scandinavia and just you know hanging around right around the disability oh my god going to the paralympics and like oh my god sweden's on next it's gonna be fucking great imperfections make you make things perfect yeah imperfections yeah yeah it overcomes you oh she does yeah she could do better than me but i see why she doesn't know that it's like eating in a nice restaurant isn't it yeah like it feels it feels like a lot of effort to go to a michelin star restaurant like it's nice every now and then good Good to experience it. I'd love to experience a beautiful... But if that restaurant has a hair lip... Sorry, Norwegian women.

You're just going to have to stop trying to fuck us. You're just too beautiful. We're not interested. You don't want Michelin-starred food every night? No, you don't. Sometimes you just want a fucking doner kebab. Or fuck Norwegian women. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You. Sometimes you just want a fucking doner kebab. Or a fucking Norwegian woman. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean, though? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Stephen Cain says, how insane does Doug find the cult of personality around the Queen and the Queen's...

You know, I asked a bartender yesterday. I know it's a weird question, but do you know what the queen's name is like a real name she has to have like a name yeah and uh he goes yeah it's elizabeth like uh then he had to google it like what do you guys know her name is elizabeth wins here but isn't that isn't that yeah they changed it because it's like it's not she wasn't born

DeFrancans National yeah she's German isn't she it doesn't make sense it's basically Elizabeth the fact that

one of your local bartenders had to google yeah to figure out what her name is was that in Liverpool that was Nottingham

oh I was going to say if you ask no one gives a fuck around there about the Queen no one gives a fuck there either it's Queen. No one gives a fuck there either. It just was a weird question. That's the only time the Queen has crossed my mind

except for, are we going to have to fucking move shows because of funeral? Could we pull up Doug's tour dates actually because you have had to move one of them

and we should actually give these a little plug. So, you're over in the UK at the minute. September 18th in London and 20th in London and the 21st is cardiff 22nd is birmingham 23rd is glasgow 24th is leeds 27th is bath and then over to australia for brisbane in february oh that's in february so it's a while off from that yeah um so that that'll what's the website that we can get these from? Is it Doug Stanhope? Yeah,

Dougstanhope.com. There we go. So one's been moved or one's getting moved? one of, one of the London ones got moved from Monday to Tuesday. It has to be.

There's too much grief. That's so sad. But we're going to be there for, I don't know how much fucking chaos it's going to be. I'm just terrified of traffic. I don't care about anything in the world. Yeah, you're're going to be there for... I don't know how much fucking chaos it's going to be. I'm just terrified of traffic.

I don't care about anything in the world. Yeah, you're not going to be able to get anywhere in a fucking car while that's happening. The tubes... Monday will stop. The world will stop. It's so fucking stupid. Do you know how annoying it is that football's not happening?

Football's not happening because... They don't have enough carbs yeah yeah really annoying really really really annoying can we definitely record on Monday

we are recording on Monday we are recording on Monday it's what she would have wanted yeah it's what she would have wanted she was a patron

erm John Kelly says I'm a patron of both podcasts he's a patron of yours and ours oh nice could you ask Doug some stories of his job in telemarketing? He's hilarious in his book.

Yeah, it's too long. All right. Too much to explain, and nothing comes to mind. Shut up, John, you fucking prick. I wrote extensively about it in my book, Digging Up Mother, my first book. So, yeah, you can go buy that thanks for the helping me segue into a shoehorn a plug in and my last book my latest book no encore for the donkey is now out no encore for the donkey yes uh what where does the title come from there

yeah it's really deeply embedded in the book it's uh it's about doing a horrible tour where I just felt like over and I was in the middle of nowhere and how it felt like a donkey show. And it is a very descriptive passage about how I've never met anyone who's actually been to a donkey show, but I've heard the urban legend so often that i can picture the exact lady i like imagined it so much i it's like a regular bar in my head and so it's a long description of that and how there's the there was no encore for the donkey oh that's that's a patron special we're not doing the donkey show uh shall we give some advice people ask people ask

for advice he's very good at advice when i say very good he's a not um so let's see if we can help someone out uh why guam boys need some advice because this one's tricky long story short one of my wife's mates sort of came kill yourself next one my think this is going to be doug's advice for most things uh next i'm thinking about killing myself um so long story short one of my wife's mates sort of came on to me on a night out recently it'd been a big group of us out for someone's birthday good night loads of booze and then the usual suspects ended up staying out after most of the group including my missus, had gone to get food.

Towards the end of the night on the dance floor, I basically got a squeeze of the arse, which I thought was just someone fucking about. Then all of a sudden, I've got my birds mate whispering some drunken shite in my ear about how she's always had a thing for me. I swiftly fucking maneuvered my way out of there and scarpered. This is honestly not me bragging.

I'd much rather this hadn't happened, but I didn't tell my wife the next day, and now I don't know if I should tell her or just hope it never gets fucking mentioned. She'll go fucking mental if I tell her. Maybe at me. So what do I do? Don't tell her anything ever.

And then kill yourself. And just act like you don't remember. That was my suggestion. Be drunk all the time, like me. Because if I was in a moral quandary like that, I would just say, I don't remember if that happened or not so that way if she goes i'm sorry i got drunk and i told your husband that i wanted to fuck him and your wife

says why didn't you tell me that you're like oh shit i was drunk i don't know i don't remember her saying that and i have an excuse all the time because i don't remember most of the time nice i'm always drunk really nice i mean the fear is that through embarrassment the mate accuses him i suppose that's always this is the this is if this happened to me my instinct would be fuck i need to control the fucking news to be like yeah this happened it's gone she's a fucking wrong gun i'm saying it first before she goes yeah but that's gonna be immediate that's gonna be the next day you can't wait we'd all have fucked her so i don't know why we're even involved in this conversation that is the dream what text

her back like text her back text her back yeah what is girl how are we how are we right yeah text her yeah well you can't go back to the fucking you can't go to the time machine

Dan right so your advice is just fucking get into it yeah yes he's like I don't know

whether to tell my wife don't tell her anything and just start fucking banging her mate yeah have an affair oh my god what are you waiting like this that would be why is he asking us mate I'm going, mate. Have an affair. Oh, my God. What are you waiting for?

Like this, that would be... Why is he asking us? Mate, I'm going... If I'm having an affair, it's Norway. That's how far I'm going. You can't have an affair with a Norwegian woman, Dan. It's just too beautiful. Too beautiful.

Yeah, but she's not in a WhatsApp group with my fucking missus. Yeah. Do you not understand what I mean by the too beautiful thing? Do you not get it? Yeah, I do. I do, yeah, yeah. Do you not like when your house is clean and you don't want to go for a poo? Yeah. Do you not understand what I mean by the too beautiful thing? Do you not get it? Yeah, I do. I do, yeah, yeah.

Do you not like when your house is clean and you don't want to go for a poo? Yeah. Mate, I... Because you don't want to ruin it. I don't want to ruin a Norwegian woman. You don't want to poo on a Norwegian woman. I get it.

Yeah, you get it. Hey, I like the theory. I get it. But if a beautiful Norwegian was like, Adam, I think you're so lovely and I want to sit on your face you'd be like i'm so sorry you're just too fit i don't think that would work i just think i'd feel like i don't belong there you're like listen before we get going have you got eczema

and psoriasis yeah just break one of her legs break one of her legs fuck your wives mate break a norwegian norwegian woman it's great advice norwegian women that's not that's not their fault they're too beautiful it's just did you do a little public service announcement maybe it's Norwegian Norwegian women need to stop when you say they're too beautiful it sounds like you have a low self-esteem where you don't deserve that kind of beauty. This is the kind of question I would bring to betterhelp.com. Promo code Stan. Word 10.

I've never been accused of having low self-esteem before. That's a first. Oh, yeah, but you used to fuck hobgoblins, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's still it. Once that's in your DNA, you'll fuck her, fuck it'll bang a troll it's still in there he shagged a watermelon come on his bar is on the it's literally on the floor over there no back in back in the day i did so i was just i was anyone's i just wanted to fuck

like when i was younger, if I was drunk in a club, if any woman would fuck me, I'd just be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it's almost like, it's kind of like how Hedberg died because he could never say no to gigs

because he remembered all the time it was so hard to get gigs. He couldn't turn down gigs and he was constantly working until he killed him and the heroin. But that's the same way where you remember

where it was so difficult to get pussy and it was so random and rare that later on in life when it was more prevalent because you're on stage, you go, ah, I feel like,

I remember how hard. Yeah, you can't waste it. Makes me work for it. You're losing money. Yeah. Everyone should just fuck each other more, wouldn't it? It's just, wouldn't that be a nice thing if, I think most men in the world are up for it.

Let's just start banging more. I'm saying, stop holding back the pus. People have seen, I don't know if it's weird over here but at home in the states it seems like people are fucking all the time just on those apps yeah my last of my heyday was myspace days and then since then i was like but if i was in my prime and motivated and i all those fucking apps were around, yeah, I would... I just think I'm looking for something more.

Right. Like a fucking fake eye. Yeah, a bullet hole. Just trying to say Norwegian Columbo. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd say. I want something meaningful. That's what I'm after. All right.

I don't just want to fuck. I've fucked enough this year. You feel like end of your tax year? You've filled your quota, have you? I've filled my quota for this year

by the end of March. I just went on a bit of I'll see you in Oslo. That guy, if you're not going to tell your wife, if you're not going to tell your wife. You can't tell your wife now. Just do it then.

Just fucking tell your wife. Don't tell your wife anything then she might resent you for telling her why have you told me that you didn't shag her did you why have you made me lose a friend and think less of you what's telling her gonna gain nothing it's protected women don't like having information they think they do you have to keep it from them because she might resent you for it i'm just saying something beeped worryingly then. We've got a crew.

Stop worrying, stop looking. Shit myself. Just do it. If you're not going to tell your wife, just text her back and go, what is, let's go to Little Chef. Mate. I wonder if he's actually not dealt with this on the off chance you picked his letter out of the fishbowl

and he's been waiting for weeks and weeks, not knowing what to do. Sleepless nights, sweating through pillows. I hope so. We get questions and they're like, right in two weeks, this is happening.

And I'm, there's such a backlog of questions. And I know that this fucking email has been sent in like June. And he's like, in two weeks, I need some advice because this is happening. And we've been reading them out in like fucking August just to be a cunt. I love it because I know he's like, oh, great.

Now, fucking that's done. I wrote a letter to Dear Abby once about Dear Abby. And I wrote it in the prose of those kind of, my baby seems to be choking on something. It's turning blue. I didn't know if I should do that squeezy, chesty thing. I turned my back for two minutes, but what's a mother to do? Baby turning blue and dying.

Just to let you know, there's no following that. There's no following that. Should we call that a pod call it a pod all right i'm gonna go back and do that dumb show in nottingham high as fuck you're gonna take more edibles for the for the drive home i might i might grab a snack too yeah have a cigarette god i have a such a night planned please take some of that lemonade it would make it would make yeah matthew very happy if you took a lot of variety that is i just wanted one from the lemonade stand the plastic jug kind of took the allure of that picture i had of a nice French bean squeeze. I had a slice of lemon in my mind on the edge

and a bendy straw. And he come back with four different bottles. Hey, please take at least one of those. I'm going to. And help yourself to the chilled dildos. Chilledos. That's a good band name, though. Chilledos.

Use promo code Stan Holt. Chilledos. Chilledos.com. Chilledos. That's got the word Child in it Child Oh Childos

Jeez It's been a pleasure Having you Cold dildos For your kids Childos That's what everyone Was thinking

It didn't need It didn't need Fucking ramen Don't be subtle to you I'm trying to come up With fake commercials your kids. That's what everyone was thinking. It didn't eat fucking ramen. Don't be subtle to you. I'm trying to come up with fake commercials for my podcast and fake companies. I wanted to do one that it was child porn

but made by children. It's for us, by us. There's no code for that 999 for us by us it's a good day this has been

fucking quality thank you Doug thanks for coming in thanks so much for coming in that's the end of this week's episode we're playing

the arena there are 400 tickets-ish left probably less by now to be honest I haven't checked for the week that is on

Friday the 9th of December tickets at gigsandtours.com or ticketquarter.co that you can um we we also we have a a song at the end of every episode uh that we play out with and who is this week's song fin this week we've got a local band scouse band called rainmaker they've just played at the academy and this is a song called Hope I'm Not Alone. Wonderful. You don't get that on

YouTube because they'll fuck us, but you get it on the audio, so enjoy that. Have a nice week. We'll see you next week. Thank you very, very much for Doug to coming in and I want some lunch. That's right. Cheers, Doug. Thanks. I'm Lately, there's something changing inside me I'm holding on to something that still seems long gone Lately, all the people can't quite see

Just what you mean to me To me And I don't know why they still keep me calling And I won't go With your dignity I'm still not falling And I won't let you hide in my mind I hear your name screaming all the time It hurts me when I see your face so I hope you're not alone These days

All the feelings still remain From when you said I often run right through your head Oh, these days All the emotions pour and rain on When they do, they stay And I don't know Where the years still keep me coming

And I won't go Your dignity, I'm still not falling I won't let you hide in my mind. I hear your name screaming all the time. It hurts me when I see your face. So I hope you're not alone. I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am guitar solo And I don't know whether you still hear me calling And I won't go, your dignity I'm still not following I won't let you hide in the night I hear your name screaming all the time It hurts me when I see your face So I hope you're not alone