Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #191 with Mark Watson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 25, 2022

Tickets for Have A Word Live at the M&S Bank Arena as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Pact Coffee | https://www.pactcoffee.com50% off your first and third order with promo code: WORD50 BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastMark Watsonhttps://twitter.com/watsoncomedianhttps://instagram.com/watsoncomedianADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star style. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. You all right? They're good. They're good. Carl's just done a hiccup stroke,

like pterodactyl impression that's freaked me out. Can you burp on demand? Not like... I can fart on demand. I can poo on demand. Strong start to the episode if you've never watched Have A Whip before. And you're like, bloody hell, is this the tone? It kind of is. Have A Wear before. Hello, my Watson fans. Bloody hell. Is this the tone?

It kind of is. We changed clothes in the second section, by the way. Yeah, we time travelled. You brought new clothes? Yeah, yeah. For last week. I'm wearing something. I can't remember what it is.

I don't wear the classic fuzzy tops. That's more your vibes, isn't it? I've seen it in the wardrobes. They haven't worn it. Oh, the vibe is very much there. I am like a rotation in occasionally it's kind of getting as much as it's my thing

it's kind of getting ruined now why? I don't know it's becoming everyone's thing I don't know I'm profiting off that I'd go classic rugby shirts from now on

I'm going classic tennis kits that Martino fire tennis kits classic tennis kits you get too turned on only at Wimbledon white though

I love tennis kits Wimbledon white though. I love tennis kits. Wimbledon. I was thinking about that a lot earlier. This kit, this, this match would be a phenomenal combo of shirts. If this had happened, I mean,

it couldn't have. It could. Oh, it could nearly have happened. In Argentina. 92, 93. This is late 80s,

I think. No, it's not. Is it midnight? 92, is it? It's in and around 94, 95, I think. Ian Rush? Is it mid 90s 92 is it It's in and around 94, 95 I think

Ian Rush Is it Is Ian Rush there It's definitely not late 80s I think this is 89 It's not 89 Let's google it 89 was the candy kits wasn't it

Liverpool Is that the away or the third This will be away I think Yellow added us away I'm saying 94 There it is That one Click that 94, 96 You're. That one. Click that.

94, 96. You're right. Oh, yeah, we've been starting for two years. Woo! So it could nearly have happened. That would have been one of the most visually satisfying matches. Batty goals Fiorentina with a seven-up sponsor. And that, which at the time I thought was a bit of monstrosity,

but now I can see it. Have you seen the band kit from this season because it's got nazi symbols on it it's got the swastika in it and it says fuck you's on the back hey like no one noticed the back but then when they saw the front like get rid of that because i don't read football shirts famously it's got like patterns in it that forms many swastikas yeah Right. Hopefully accidentally though. Right. Who's it made by?

It's this kid. Hugo Boss. It was Hugo Boss. It was actually the Nata uniform. It's got the SS symbol on the side as well. But no one noticed any of that. Very controversial. It is, isn't it?

When you stick swastikas on stuff, people get upset. Band Fiorentina kit. We've started very football heavy here. But I didn't know about it. I saw a TikTok about it today. It's on the top of the kit. Yeah, that's an... Oh, I've just seen it.

That is a total accident. Surely that's an accident. I don't know, you know. Are they fascist though? I don't know. Are they a fascist club? Who, Lotto? No.

Fiorentina? Yeah. It's Italy, isn't it? Lazio, aren't they? Italy. Yeah. It's all a bit fucking Nazi-ish, mate. Italy.

Because there's a lot of Nazi shirt collectors. Carl. I've been doing comedy again. I've been doing stand-up comedy. Back in the game. New material. Oh, right. An hour. But you have been doing... You've comedy back in the game. New material. Oh, right. An hour.

But you have been doing... You've not just had two months off. I don't feel like I've been doing it, though. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I've done a couple of gigs here and there. So just... Been down to London, done Dubai. I'd done the store at the end of July,

and that was just tour stuff, and that was great. And I went to Dubai and did essentially a tour show. Like, I'd done some of the tour, because it was an hour, and it was... You've I went to Dubai and did essentially a tour show. Like an add-on to the tour because it was an hour and it was, you know. You've been supporting me. I wanted to give you a chance.

You know, you're a young lad coming through. And the bit I tried opening for you, which was eight minutes long, which was the story of me and my ex's breakup and the stuff surrounding it. I did eight minutes before you

the other day, ish. And then I did it again. That was Sunday. And then on monday i did it again and it was 28 minutes and then i did it again last night and i was you don't need to do that again because that'll be an hour and a half then it's 45 minutes last night yeah which a worrying story sam's story 45 minutes i could do a tour show literally because it's not even peppered and whatever yeah what your dad in it what you put your you're doing now like that story no no it's 45 minutes beginning to end at the minute just the breakup story i could do it you whittle that down i will whittle it down at the minute it's very sort of

meandering and ponderous but if it feels the right tone to do that bidding um i had several messages last night from people going i've been to see you X amount of times. Tonight was my favourite time. And it was so different to anything else I've seen you do. And yeah, I'm trying to get it ready for the arena show,

but I don't know whether the cadence of it is going to suit 8,000 people. Hello, everyone. It's our user, bitch. Have you seen it you're gonna bring the fire surely you're gonna bring the fucking

energetic fire to the arena yeah but you're gonna bring your best stuff aren't you if that's what's working the best also it's all lids the arena show is gonna be all our lot they're very invested in that story when Adam finally told the story of that on a patreon the reaction was like oh finally it's like you know there's been

gossip but you've not been allowed to know what the gossip is like telling them every detail of it last night there's moments where like as an audience they went oh like that property i can see people like on the edge of the seat invested in the narrative of it and painting it and oh very good you have been doing stand-up but it's well exciting after a tour is that what you mean you're now doing real stand-up because you're like oh now we're building it yeah yeah yeah it's just i'm so bored of my act like the the stuff we filmed i'm bored of all of it i hate all of it even my favorite bits from the tour but yeah doing new stuff

for the past couple of nights I just really sort of happy with myself to be like I can go on stage and do an hour without really thinking it through

do you know what I mean like just how I'm just going to tell this story and then pepper it with a couple of unless she's in and then it's probably going to you know

two hours alright okay two hours yeah I haven't got sick of anything in the tour yet. There's a couple of bits that are newer and I'm enjoying more. And that's part of that same process, isn't it? I think by the end, I remember we went to Nando's and it was about a week after your tour finished

and you went, apropos of nothing, just went, ah, just really glad I don't have to say any of those words again. Yeah, yeah. And you'd obviously been thinking about the show gets in your head, apropos of nothing just went ah just really glad i don't have to say any of those words again yeah and you'd obviously been thinking about the show gets in your head doesn't it like someone asked a question and it's a very stand-up centric question which we get asked quite a lot but they're like how do you remember a full tour show or an edinburgh show how how do you do it is there like tricks to it and it's just experience when you start out i have sometimes struggle to remember 10 minutes yeah but like you are i have a mnemonic for me that's like naughty elephant squirt water the first letter of every routine um yeah because i

because i like shredder wheat i don't like to do them i used to do northeast southwest but that was too hard so i'll do naughty elephant Elephant Square. It's easier to remember. It's hard. When you first get your longer sets, just remembering where everything goes is actually part of the skill. After a while, remembering an hour, it's just experience, isn't it?

Watching Mnemonic. I love the fact that that's it. For me, Tor. See, you're taking me back to junior. Sorry, what was that? What's my new... What's my new monic? Adam's thinking about what he can't remember

about the new monic from his Tor. What was it? Do you know? So the first one's Tea for Terrorism. That's what I started with. Second one was... Is the show still in your head right now? Yeah, I could do the show.

It's so funny. Where's Will? Do you remember in It's so funny. Where's Will? Do you remember in May when I was... Where is Will? He's not... Where is he? Oh, he's the closest person to us on the camera. I'm so used to him being there already.

I did a preview in May where I got 40 minutes in and went, I don't know what the show is anymore. Sorry. It just wasn't in. And now I could literally do exactly the same thing just list it off i had a moment last night where so i went into a portion of the new set the new story and i was like it was towards the end and i still can't remember this bit and it's done me head in because i was going into it and obviously i don't write anything down i was

like right i'll do the jerry cinnamon story And then I'll end on this I remember having that thought And I'd done the Jerry Cinnamon bit And I was like I went to the audience I went there's another bit But I forgot I love new material nights

And I can't Even now Can't remember what I was going to do Was it the Archery story? Oh my god No I opened my stuff How do you not write stuff down?

Does he know the Archery story? I don't think he does know The Archery story What the Archery story? Did you open with that? Where's down? Does he know the archery story? I don't think he does know the archery story. What, the archery story? Did you open with that? Where's Will? Do you know the archery? Go on. When me, Carl, Seneca and Sam went archery.

Archery? Archery. Arching. Arching. Yeah, it's arching. Arching. Shooting hoops. Shooting.

That's what I call bumming. So how do you know? Yeah, you got in trouble in America when you visited LA and someone asked you if you wanted to shoot some hoops no I didn't

we went basketball to the store there oh okay you didn't get bummed by the fact guys the archery story though fucking doozy why don't you tell her

I probably could tell her but you know doesn't feel like the right time we had a gang bang at the archery place and we were all on rollerblades time we had a gangbang at the archery place and we were all on rollerblades what you shot some

hoops at the archery place no there was no bumming oh right sorry you can't bum in a gangbang what do you mean like not a gangbang it was more

it was you can't bum at swinging people keep their arse all over the fella no it's the closer it's the closer move you don't bum when you swing no

it's a well known fact come on then come on closer move. You don't bum when you swing. No. It's an all-known fact. Come on, then. Come on. You know. You can't bum someone else's wife while he's in the building. Is that a thing? Tell the archery story.

What's the archery story? What is it? Are we after two? I don't think we can, you know. No, don't make me tell you. Oh, you absolute. Just come and watch the show. Hoop shooters.

You mind doing the arena? Eh? All right, cool. I'll see you there. It's a public episode. Oh, yeah. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, it's a public episode. Can't do it.

This has been the worst dick tease ever. Lad, do you know the answer? It's because dick teasing. Have you heard it? Have you heard it? You haven't heard it? Well, you can't. And neither can they. Yeah. Would you bump someone if you were swinging? Have you heard it? You haven't heard it? Well, you can't. And neither can they.

Would you bum someone if you were swinging? Would you let... Maybe I won't do that question. Hypothetically, would you let someone bum your wife? Well, if I hypothetically had a wife who would let me talk about our sex life on the podcast... Yeah, but it's not your real sex life, is it? Because you don't go swinging.

Clatter in there. What do you do if Jonathan walks in? Jonathan? Yeah. Should I snap back on? Never wear a snap back to a gangbang. Come on. Oh, I'm down on a t-shirt by Monday.

You cannot. Jonathan walks in. He's got a fixie bike outside. 20-20 vision, but he just wears things with just, like, shades with no air. Plays synth. Tell you what, you've painted a beautiful picture there, Carl. He walks in, he goes right into his car. 20-20 vision but he just wears things with just like shades with no air he plays synth tell you what you've painted a beautiful

picture there Carl he walks in he goes right who invited him by the way this special needs kid he's running it what? he's running it

it's Jonathan's Gangbangs.com oh god he sounds like he's got his own venue got a new gangbang studio in the town yeah he's got a lisp that's why he got into gangbangs

he sounds like a real gangbang entrepreneur, doesn't he? He's a globetrotter. Yeah, my name's Jonathan. You know, if you had a hypothetical partner and you just did agree to go swinging, is there anything she could tell you that happened that you would be like, that was too far? What?

Where would I be? Why would I not know about it? What am I doing? It's not a gangbang. It's a swinging. It's a keys in a bowl thing. So your hypothetical wife, let's not a gangbang. It's a swinging in it. You're swinging in a different room. It's a keys in a bowl thing. So your hypothetical wife, let's call her Lauren, right?

She picks these keys up and she goes into another room with a man called Jeff. And then they leave the house, don't they? What? No, Adam's got swinging. Dan, what would you do? The key thing,

everyone goes home. Yeah, in the car. That's where the keys... Oh, I thought you hired a mansion and you just went into different rooms. Yeah, but why would you need the car keys? I thought it was just to identify who... It is? Who's in the car. That's where the keys... Oh, I thought you hired a mansion and you just went into different rooms. Yeah, but why would you need the car keys? I thought it was just to identify who... It is?

Who's driving the Ford. I thought it was that. Yeah, sounds right. No, it is. You pick the person, but they leave. What would you do if she went, Yes! Devontae!

Yeah. Right, so they go home. Right, and the next day, you meet back up. You're like, how you love? You're all right? How was it? and the next day You meet back up You're like How you love You're alright How was it And she's like

Fucking great And you're like Yeah man I was good as well So what did you get up to Is there anything She could say That had happened That would be like

Oh you can't be doing that With a Married Not with Devontae Yeah Is there anything So We are now swingers

Yeah Me and this imaginary woman Larden Larden This feels so alien to me This The whole concept She's brunette

Of being married to She's brunette Yeah Weird Yeah What is she like 33 Yeah

Yeah weird My wife's 36 She's beautiful as well Yeah Well that was too far wasn't it Why Because of the game we're playing Why are we talking about your wife

Not bad Right I can't believe you didn't get what was Why? Because of the game we're playing. Why are we talking about your wife? Not bad. I can't believe you didn't get what was going on. Nevermind. I did. But she's not 33 and she's not cold. And then you're like. But she is beautiful.

Oh, I get you. Oh, hey. Okay, so Lauren. You mean back off for that? It's, how did you not see that that sounded like a dick? I get it. So like, is there anything she could... Sorry, Lauren.

Oh, shit. Lauren. Oh, what? Yeah. Because, like, for me... No, because... No, but listen. Listen, right?

For me, I... Look, I don't think I could deal with going swinging, right? But if I was talked into it, there'd definitely be lines. If she come back and told me she had a tongue up her man's arsehole, I'm never talking to her again. Leave the house it's gonna be a difficult first kiss afterwards isn't it yeah oh i'm really annoyed at you but i don't go to sleep angry no tongues lauren like you're asking me to like project forward if you're genuinely into swinging to the point where you're like,

you're going off banging someone and I'm going off banging someone, it would be really weird to then start setting really stringent rules. Like, I have very strict rules about what you're allowed to do when you're off in an Audi fucking whatever getting banged. Like, A4. Do they fuck in the car? Do they not go to each other's houses? I think they go to each other's houses, yeah.

I prefer the swinging When you're all there together You know? That's a gangbang No it's Swinging in a different room And all That's what I thought

The keys in the bowl was Right I think Is there any small talk At the start of a swinging Gangbang thing? You know Does anyone get a guitar out?

Jonathan Yeah Finn Should we book Finn for a gang bang I'm cheap I don't want to shag anyone anyway

I just want to play music yeah I think any ass play either way I mean I wouldn't mind them getting like their fingers dirty but I just don't want

their tongue up a man's bum just it's that it's where you live your life mate no I want to do the I want to do the swinging when we're all in the same

you know in a big house you know like when someone comes over to like fix the boiler or service the swing and when we're all in the same, you know. In a big house. You know, like when someone comes over to like fix the boiler or service the boiler and you get to just sort of pretend you're watching and go, yeah, good job, that. I don't really know what's going on. Yeah, I just like to, yeah, yeah. Oh, I couldn't be a cook. Just be in there.

Yeah. Cook old. Not like a chef. I couldn't. What, I couldn't? You don't want to case the gangbang? I don't think you are a cook If you're getting Noshed off at the same time

Think about that Alright Speaking of cooks In mansions I'm really Wait Wait It absolutely deserves it

I'm so glad You swerved us out of there I felt like We were like What are we on about Yeah yeah We're looking at hiring A mansion for New Year's Eve

Aren't we And having a big Party Mansion I'll bring my keys. What? What? We could do that.

Yeah. That's a biggie keys. How would you get back home? Yeah, that's a good point. I want to hire a fucking house. A big house. They're not even that expensive, really. And you have a big party with your mates.

And you're all secluded. It's great. In the middle of nowhere. No one can hear you, Chester. If I don't go, I'll be able to hear the music. And we want to get a chef in and a couple of bartenders and just have a really high class New Year's party. What is going on?

So I thought it was just us renting an Airbnb. Not a B&B. An Airbnb. No. Housepartysolutions.co.uk. Really? It's owned by jonathansgangbang Airbnb. No. Housepartysolutions.co.uk. Really? It's owned by jonathansgambangs.com. Welcome everyone.

I'm wearing my best snapback. Yeah. It's going to be great. I've put plastic on the face. I'm getting fireworks, but I'm not getting someone to do the fireworks. I'm going to do them. Oh.

Right. I'm doing the fireworks. You're not meant to approach a lit one, you know that? What? You're not meant to re-approach a lit one. You go and light it and then you stand back but if it doesn't go off what would you do what if that firework didn't go off what would you do from a distance piss on it

everyone using adam's dick like a fire hose diet host. Oh, control. Sounds good. Can I just, a few concerns? Yeah. Yeah. You and your mates in a mansion. You're one of our mates?

Yeah. I'm not worried about me damaging the deposit. Although I do get silly drunk. What's the deposit then? What's the deposit? No,

my mates are quite civilised, you know, especially if I make them all wear black tie. Right. Yeah. Cool. Right. Yeah. Cool. Black tie fireworks.

It's good that you've not changed. Just a lad from Dovey hiring mansions. Black tie fireworks with a staff. Sing, sing! I want another gin and tonic, you lazy cunts! Sing, sing. That's burning. Someone grab my dick and put it out.

Do you sing now? I actually don't know the words. What other concerns have you got? Losing the deposit is the main one. I think we'll be fine. What is the deposit? What? You don't know what the deposit is, do you?

I don't think there is one. I think you just pay a fee. 10% probably. Yeah. Right. 60 grand wow yeah wow

that'd be sad yeah any dietary requests because we're having a roast dinner banquet roast dinner banquet yeah it's gonna be like he's gonna cook a pig a chicken

no nachos right any other animals just while we're you know a lamb's leg or two I honestly thought You nearly said llama

A fucking llama A lion It's near Chester Zoo Sing Sing's breaking in Get ourselves Hey Hey Lads

Buffets with fucking lamb Lazy Have you tried tiger? I want it to look like A big thing where like Like you've got to pass me The roast potatoes And I take my own

And I pass them on Do you know what I mean? You want it to be a Gatsby party do you know what I mean like yeah I'll take the spuds there kid I'll have eight of them and there you go

Carl your go lad Carl sitting there eight potatoes yeah I love a roasty me oh yeah we've all

yeah yours even isn't the same with that roast potatoes is it no this is like seven o'clock can I just go somewhere and take drugs and dance

this is like seven o'clock yeah the frivolity kicks off at nine p.m yeah and not a minute sooner potatoes, is it? No, this is like Can I just go somewhere and take drugs and dance? This is like seven o'clock. Yeah. Frivolity kicks off at 9pm. Yeah. And not a minute sooner. Sing, sing! Get the itinerary!

Hey, lad. 9pm frivolity. Gonna have to finish up on those taters. Yeah. I can't, mate. You can't eat potatoes while you're being frivolous.

No. Let's let you know. What's the lead? It's starchy. You're gonna finish your potatoes by what, half eight? Yeah, then you're gonna frivolous no they'll show you though what's the lead starchy you're gonna finish your potatoes by what half eight yeah

then you're gonna have an hour lead up time to your food I think we have a the banquet is at six and the cheese is at eight frivolity at nine finger fucking at ten

come on guys it's been printed up and poured around the mansion how many people what's the how many covers er twenty eight twenty eight how many have said yes four It's been printed up and put around the mansion. How many people? How many covers? 28.

28. How many have said yes? Four. But the others are getting back to me today. So it's started strong here. It's me, you, Steve and Carl at the minute. Oh, shit. We're going to have to invite Lauren.

It's just a lock-in. We should have a food lock-in. I know we've done a food challenge But a food like a mukbang That'd be great What? A mukbang? That's what they're called A mukbang?

We've talked about this Yeah we have We've talked about everything Finn Where we all eat Yeah we're going to do it for Christmas aren't we? I'm going to cook Christmas dinner Oh yeah Yes

Yeah yeah yeah Can't wait to see that itinerary Presents at four Oh lad they didn't turn up Pigs in blankets at fucking eight eight frivolity at 8 30 yeah i'm looking forward to it all it's gonna be fucking all right well cool well i'm in but i can't stay i don't want to you know i'm not coming for all i just want to come for a party yeah i think that's everyone to be honest everyone else in the group

there's a lot more than four that i've got because you wanted to do a bit of a stay over for a few days yeah I think I think we'll probably have to hire it overnight for that night anyway right

so anyone who wants to stay that night is it's going to be it's going to be an option now now just

because this is how it's been sort of brought up we've talked about swinging parties keys in bowls cook getting noshed off and then you went I'm having a big party yeah sort of brought up we've talked about swinging parties keys in bowls cook getting noshed off

and then you went I'm having a big party yeah this is not that is it I don't want to fuck any of your wives how many have you got no I mean

no she's basically she's your common law wife she is what is that been together over 10 years not married have we got lawful things

have we got things yes have we yeah yeah no Been together over 10 years Not married Have we got lawful things Have we got things Yes Yeah Have we Yeah Yeah Tax pay No

I think there is a tax pay Yeah Not for common law wife No No No no no Thanks for that I count it

I do So what do I get then Basically If you owned the house Just you And you split up She would Be entitled to claim part of it. Fucking, I know she...

Do you own the house half and half, 50-50, straight down the line? No, we own it as a couple. 50% each? No, so there's two different ways of doing it. Carl and Seneca Limited owns it. They're just directors of the company. I don't know what it is, but there's two. There's either a percentage where you can 60-40, 50-50,

or you can own it as a couple. I sorted it with Sam. Shout out, Sam Hickson. Shout out, Sam Hickson. So glad you said a surname there, mate. Shout out, Sam. I'm on your side.

Hickson. I did a module. Sorry. But we own it as a couple. I don't really understand it I just signed the thing that's always a good technique isn't it

yeah what's this that's how I sign everything terms and conditions you've read terms and conditions before never in my fucking life exactly we should do something

where we put sort of mad in terms and conditions and get everyone to sign up and rob them all yeah because that wouldn't be suspicious we've got a contract here from the have a word podcast We should do something where we put sort of mad in terms and conditions and get everyone to sign up and rob them all blind. Yeah! Because that wouldn't be suspicious. We've got a contract here

from the Have A Word podcast. No, when you go on our website and you accept cookies you also accept to give us 10 grand a year wage every year. Go visit www.haveawordpod.com

Don't read the terms and conditions. Have you got any ideas for the party? Because obviously we're going to have food we're going to have nice drinks because we're going to get some mixologists in.

I think fire breathers always go down well where have they got fireworks can't have two lots of fire on the same night magic what? magic magic

MDMA yeah yeah murder mystery where we all play along and we're all part of the that would be so good wouldn't it you know how good

that would be as a special that would be a good patron special on new year's eve i think what i want to do is just get drunken or a dj live music both at the same time as a dj have you just got out of prison music i want to dance again and ladies who nosh me not Not your wives. Pigs. Can we do a murder mystery special? Yeah. Can we just sort of this fucking party?

I wasn't calling you wives pigs, by the way. No, I know you weren't. If anything, I think they're too attractive or I might fall in love with them. She is beautiful, Lauren. Yeah. I think music, great shout. Yeah.

I don't think murder mystery I was being a dick and then Steve was like yeah good but it would be a very good pitching special I know that's an aside yeah

because we're doing classy do we go with like more acoustic stuff like we normally would or do I get like a jazz quartet yeah quartet or

okay um barbershop quartet if you get classic no can I have a quarters if you get classic no can I have a haircut if you all four of us

you can't get four yeah but if it's a big night I do my pubes do you yeah you're not going to bar me to do your pubes

yes you can you've got fucking rowing money courts is pubes lad I'm into it I'm into it I think I'm seeing black tie I'm into it I'm into it I think I'm seeing black tie

I'm seeing roasted animals deer llama lions tigers bears oh my a lot right

it's exciting high class affair do we need classical music no I think we need jazz and some scatting no I think I think we need classical music

but songs that you like no I think we have classical music But songs that you like No I think No scatting classics Like scat like Barbie girl or something Go He nearly didn't try it There's a little pause And he was like fuck

I can't remember the start of it What else? I'm the scat man No we're not scat We're scat man That's two on the nose I'm getting them I'm getting a band

With a saxophone A scat band With a saxophone The Zootons I know the lady from the Zootons We could get the Zutons yeah do you actually know her

yeah she used to we've now got Mel B's email address we could get the Spice Girls to get the band back together that'd be fantastic actually right we can talk them into that

Mel B is actually we're trying to hunt her for things she's in on it like so one of us was working with Mel B last night yeah

and now we're trying to poach her like an egg poach her leave the Spice Girls come to have I think she'll be alright don't do anything

she'll never know anyway no that's all just like to build up the tension for when they do another reunion so everyone's like well I didn't think

this was coming it's all just a piast Victoria's never doing it though is she what Victoria's gone yeah but then she walks out

It's worth a lot of money isn't she Why does she need to go back in Because why wouldn't you want to go and have fun with your friends From the 90s Because they've all done your head in No but like you just you know You let bygones be bygones and you sing Your fucking hits

Spice Girls by the way Are you trying to get them back together? Yeah. You know, a few years ago when I was with, it was back when I was with Jade

and she hates the fact that I hated like, that I like cheesy music and I booked two tickets to see the Spice Girls via via go-go. Paid through the news for them. Via via go-go?

Yeah. And she, she wouldn't come with me and no one had come with me and you i think you were in japan yeah i was gonna go but i was away yeah and i had to sell me spice girls tickets because i didn't want to go on my own it would have been because you can go you can be a 30 year old man who goes to the spice girls with his friend you can't be a 30 year old man who goes to the spice girls on his own no fact fact who are the artists where you can't even go i like i've been to k Kylie with my ex-girlfriend.

That's not one I can be like, lad, she's let me down. Karl, you coming Kylie? I don't know, you know. I'd go Kylie with you. Yeah. No. I would go to Kylie with you.

Yeah, she's got bells on. Do you know how much that means to me? You're having a laugh. That you'd come to Kylie with me. I don't think there's any artist you could say, apart from, like, goths, that I wouldn't go with you. The goths. Enter Shikari.

We saw them at Leeds, Berksons, and they were the worst thing I've ever watched. Yeah, but I'm talking, yeah. There's loads of bands that I don't know who I'm not arsed about, but I'm talking. Who can't you go to on your own? Cher. You can't, you can't go to Cher.

Are you having a fucking bubble? Do you believe? Lad, go off. She's got rammers. Right. Do you believe in love? Love the love. Oh, come on.

Any other ones? We're only there for that one, though. You can go to Christine Nike later on your own. Not on my own, but I'd go with either of you. Yeah, go off. Dirty. Do you a leaper? I'd go there on my own.

I'm not asked. I'd have to go there asked I'd have to go there with someone to stop me many many bumholes who's the who's really

I don't think there's anyone I wouldn't go and see if you wanted to go and see them be quite happy to just go try it out

apart from like the goth ones yeah just not music it's just noise sounds like they're throwing frying pans downstairs. Right.

Yeah, just screaming. System of a Down. I'd love to take you to System of a Down. That'd be fucking great. I don't even know what that is. System of a Down. Chop suey.

It's just a menu. What? You've seen. Sweet and sour chicken, please. They'll have heard it. They must have heard it. I mean, that's good that's good

my chemical romance I'll go and see them on my own yeah they'll be ramblers yeah what the kings of the goths no they're emo oh sorry they're also soft goths

that's like getting Chinese and Japanese people mixed up they're very upset when you do that the soft goth yeah also you think

people that drink Monster are goths so they are it's a fact it's an absolute fact and so do you Dan because you drink Sneak. I drink Sneak.

Use code Carl10. What is it? What's the code, Stan? It's Word10. Word10. Word10 at Sneak.com. Get yourself some energy for all the pussy pounding you're doing. You're drinking Sneak, you ain't pounding pussy.

What? If you've eaten loads of roast potatoes and the frivolity's about to start, you need sneak. Should I have a break? Yeah. All right, guys, now it's time to talk about our sponsor, NordVPN.

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rather than the British one. There's so much cricket on that. That's amazing. And if you want to watch Sri Lankan version of Netflix rather than the British one. There's so much cricket on that. That's amazing. And if you want to watch Sri Lankan porn, but you don't want to do it from Cheshire. Yeah. Do it from Sri Lanka? You do it from Sri Lanka.

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but not available in the UK it's a sneaky way of just having the best of both worlds have your cake and scran it as well you know what I mean yeah I do

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and watch the footy from the Bahamas or Sri Lanka. Alfie Brown's got a brand new stand-up special out on YouTube produced by Have A Word Studios from director Will Hutchby and executive producer me. Alfie Brown's got a brand new stand-up special out on YouTube produced by Havoward Studios.

From director Will Hutchby and executive producer me. And executive producer me. Did we just get producer? Alfie Brown. Did we just get producer? I think so. He's executive. I was the exec on it.

He was. We went. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We filmed a special for Alfie Brown. It's called Alfie Brown Live in Liverpool it's on Alfie Brown's YouTube channel stinky

it is very good and it looks wonderful it's fantastic and it's done a lot of views already but we really want to push this

if you haven't seen it yet honestly it's only 40 minutes long something like that half an hour 40 minutes

it's the first of a series we're going to be producing called The Hathaway word half hours um fan fan fantastic uh go to alfie brown's youtube channel and check it out leave a comment send it to your mates just watch it you can put it on the biggest telly you own and it looks absolutely stunning shot in 4k by our brilliant william hutchby please go and watch al Alfie Brown live in Liverpool

and tell your mates about it. It's the first thing we've produced that isn't for someone here who works with us on a day-to-day and we're all very, very proud of it. Well, we haven't even produced anything for our stand-up yet. No. But I mean, we've produced specials and stuff, haven't we?

Like ours. This is the first thing that is not for us. Yeah. And he's in the extended family yes oh he's he's hall of fame hall of fam

who's the next one that's the that's the exciting thing isn't it comment below I think it's hard to look past what it's hard to look past

OJ Simpson comment below who you'd like to see the next have a word half hour let us know who you would like

as there's certain things that are gonna stop you getting it if you've already just filmed like a special then not gonna need a it was that beautiful window for alfie won it where he had this material it was ready to go well alfie came to me in february when we were having a pint and just said i want it that's where these ideas came from really alfie was like i'm gonna shoot a little hour special. Just want your advice on how to go about it. Because you're an executive producer is what he said, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, can I just do it? And we did it. Next up, Michael Owen. No, he's a retired footballer. I don't think he's got half an hour, 40 minutes to stand up. He probably has.

Do you think? Or kill him rabbits, isn't it? I couldn't think of... Rabbit shagger Michael Owen, isn't he? Allegedly. I couldn't think of anyone I'dag on my clown, didn't he? I couldn't think of anyone I'd want to watch a half-hour special less than my clown.

Abu Hamza. Mate, that'd be well better. Abu Hamza's better be fucking great. What, when he's got literally... It's all hook stuff, isn't it? Yeah. But what's the hook? That's it.

That's not the special call. What's the hook? He's just literally Got a mic Screwed into He's like Tell you another Fucking joke This is dead good

Yeah He's from He's from He's from University I do not know Abu Hamza Abu Hamza is a red

Is that the song I'm so glad Abu Hamza Is a red I'm so Otherwise We'd all be Fucking dead

Hey Um Abu said to me you know is he dead what Abu Hamza they think he is who

yeah powers that be they think he is until he returns up on a Havre word special or the cop oh yeah that's one of the

stans at Anfield it's very exciting Will filming things he's going to film my special in a church my god you've always wanted

to choose a special in a church haven't you because you have religious tendencies I'm deeply religious I'm deeply and Abu

has obviously got a connection with mosques and I was like do you know what maybe on the second one comedy is haram they wouldn't let you do it what?

comedy is haram do you know what haram means? bad ting bad for the gods isn't it bad ting I mean god don't like it bro It's haram. They wouldn't let you do it. What? Comedy is haram. That's what haram means. Bad thing. Bad for the gods, isn't it? Bad thing. I mean, God don't like it, bro. Halal? Good thing.

Yeah, halal is like, you know, chicken, beef. Isn't it? Comedy is haram. Like pork, isn't it? What else is haram? Alcohol? Gambling? Michael Ola doing a special.

Easy, Carl. Easy. I'm gone. Whoa. Whoa. alcohol gambling Michael O'Lantern doing a special easy call easy I'm gone whoa apparently Muslims are allowed to drink they're just not allowed to pray whilst drunk

and they have to pray five times a day so that's where the drinking thing comes from apparently that's what it says on the internet yeah

you can have like a snifter just have one that'll half have a lime I'm laughing yeah I just have half half between every play I think a lot of people come to this podcast

for knowledge about Islam and that's what they get yeah we know what's haram and what's halal mate yeah Abu said to me are Muslims allowed to do smach

it's just a matter of time innit once a line gets mentioned Dan would you try I've asked him that before would I try it Islam only on smach I wonder if they are allowed to do smach though Dan, would you try? I've asked him that before. Would I try Islam? Only on smack. I wonder if they are allowed to do smack, though.

I wonder if that's against the rules. Yes, probably. Unless it's halal smack. We're in dangerous waters here, boys. I feel them. I feel them about to get choppy. Smack's got to be haram. Carl?

What? I don't think it is I think it's just booze I reckon they can be potted smacked cracked up shall we do some questions

who's wrote one in lots we get a lot of questions any Saudis loads of Saudis what are we trying to do everything's going so well do you like your new studio do you want to keep it uh paul macaulay says wag wag lids where's uh yeah oh maca paul macaulay it's famously that's if you say maca everyone thinks it's a lovely name that's paul maca Paul McCauley. Paul McCauley. It's like one word.

Paul McCauley. That's what McCauley called him. He had too much drugs and he's passed out. Paul McCauley. What did he say? Paul McCauley. Lock on him. I'm telling you right now.

Fucked again. I'm telling you right now, that was too far. Wag Wag Lids was reminiscing with the family and we got into talking about our earliest memories and whether they were good or bad. My earliest memory was being in a soft play in Butlins when I was reminiscing with the family and we got into talking about earliest memories and whether they were good or bad. My earliest memory was being in a soft play in Butlins when I was about three and getting launched down a slide by some fat older kid and nearly breaking my neck.

So obviously it's a bad one. I was just wondering, what are your earliest ever memories or earliest memories that you remember being really good or really shit or terrifying? Cheers, Lits. Falling off a lilo in Gran Canaria. As a child. Cheers, Lits. Falling off a lilo in Gran Canaria. As a child?

That was last week. Because he banged his head really hard and he's lost all his memory. How old were you? Four. In the sea? Or in a pool?

In a pool. But in the deep end though. And I fell off and I panicked and my auntie Sue came and put me back on it and it was fine. You stayed in the water?

I did. That's lovely. I just got back on the lila constant panic attack having little kids around fucking swim pools it was when we were there in mallorca in uh april just just watching jack not know where the danger was lauren never relaxed the whole time that is a like having a swimming pool in your back garden i don don't know how people do it. It must, in America where they've all got it. It's so fucking stressful if you've got little kids. That is my worst nightmare. Just going,

where's the baby? Fuck. Awful. Swimming. Oh no, I've got a slightly earlier memory, but I've told you this before, and it's a confabulated memory.

When I thought the baddies from Home Alone 3 were showing us around our house. You won the Olympics in 1938. And Hitler was in the stand and you were like, fuck you, Hitler. You beat Jesse Owens in the race, but no one saw it. Fuck you, Jesse. I've got a memory of being in Florida when I was five.

We were staying in a chalet and the insane storms, digga. We caught one of them in the car and we couldn't recognise the chalet because it was the first day. So we didn't know where we in the car and we couldn't recognise the chalet because it was the first day so we didn't know where we were staying and we just kept driving

to the block for like half an hour trying to find out where we were staying and then we were just getting dead scared thinking like I've never going to

live anywhere ever again where was this? Florida and then someone recognised like a a storm in Florida? not like a like a piss

like during rains it's insane for like an hour. We couldn't find the house. I was scared, thinking, oh, we live in this car now. And then someone recognised the hosepipe and we found the house.

And it was like, when you're little, the most insane relief from the stupidest things. I love kids' perception of time is so bananas, isn't it? You're in a car for half an hour, like, that's it.

My life's different now. I live in a car. I can't even conceive of what life was like 35 minutes ago how long will this continue maybe another 10 minutes gal but i've got quite a poor man i always think my when i look back my memories are like me looking at a picture yeah and i'm in the picture but i'm not i'm just looking at a picture but i think that's a memory right i know what you mean i know what you mean like watching a video of myself when i was a kid in my eye i'm like i remember that but i don't i remember watching the video i think i remember pooing my pants during the war when during the

war when the first when the first bombs dropped you're like what i was playing xbox um it's confabulated that might be confabulated yeah the the Xbox wasn't out Until like the late 2000s Oh yeah Late 2000s Cut Cut it out Cut it out Too fast

It's too fast Microsoft Microsoft All over us Do you not remember from houses? I suppose it's a bit different Because we We moved houses

So Like if I want to try and remember as early, I have to remember the house. We used to live in a place called Ribble Bank in Penwitham, which is near the bank of the Ribble. It's not complicated. But that's the first house I can remember. And that's how I get my earliest memories.

There was a power station down by the river that got demolished, I suppose. But obviously I was too young to have that explained to me. So one of my earliest memories is just sitting in the back room at Ribble Bank and then there was an earthquake. There was literally the whole house was fucking going. It was the most mental thing ever. And they were like, it's fine, it's fine.

Power station's been demolished. Loads of rubble on Ribble Bank. And after that it was called most mental thing ever and they were like it's fine it's fine power station's been demolished loads of rubble on Ribble Bank and after that it was called Rubble Bank they changed it's name I said Rumble Rumble caused a lot of rubble just absolutely fire sometimes I also found a dead rat

on Ribble Bank that's all going up on the Ribble Bank these are my earliest memories someone giving a fucking what um like a bit of a birthday cake

to Donald Heard at my what might have been my third or fourth birthday party hang on someone your age called Donald Heard

yeah yeah yeah the Heards yeah Amy Heard and Donald Heard I went to primary school with them oh I thought Donald Heard was like

a celebrity I hadn't heard of. Why would he be at my third or fourth birthday party? Because the 80s were dead paedophilic and rapey. Yeah, we had Jimmy Savile. But you said Donald Heard like it was a known name. You said, oh, I remember someone giving something to Donald Heard. I'm sorry. When we do Cardinal Heenan, Memory Lane,

you do all sorts of fucking names. We don't name anyone because they're all murderous. Yeah, that's true. Keep that name in your fucking mouth. Donald Hare. I found a rat on the grid and just went, ah, look at that. Picked it up, just walked home.

Oh, you absolute weirdo. Walked in, must have been about three. I knew not to touch rats from an early age because we had loads in the back garden. Dovey was festering. There was loads of rats. I'm not even messing. Even in the back garden. Dovey was festering. There was loads of rats. I'm not even messing. Even in the swim pool?

We didn't have a swim pool. Oh, yeah. I had a rope swing hanging from the tree, though, with a tyre on it. Oh, you lucky fucker. Yeah. And it was close enough to the extension wall. So our bathroom was an extension,

and it was the same on the entire estate. So the extension bathroom was an extension and it was the same in the entire estate. So the extension would stick out and you could kick yourself off the extension and back to it. We had a rope swing in the woods near our house. I don't know who set it up. I think it had been passed down generations. It was one of those epic ones

where it was quite steep. And if you pushed off, you were fucking literally 20-30 metres from the ground at one point if it had broke you could have died everyone was like

yeah let's get down the woods and definitely swing on that shit we didn't go to the woods no why? because you went down to the woods you got a big surprise yeah

there's loads of bears having a picnic there's a gay guys loads of fat g a picnic is there gay guys loads of fat gays lots of fat gays having a picnic have you bought

lemon meringue Steve yeah I have Donald Hare there as well let's shoot some hoops you know from before

shag each other up the arse no playing basketball gay guys big fat hairy gay guys can play basketball, Carl. Grow up. It's the 90s. And one day there'll be an Xbox,

but not for at least 10 years. Thanks for that, Maka. Great question, Maka. Paul McCauley. Paul McCauley. Paul McCauley. It sounds like an Irish, something Irish, doesn't it? I'm going down to Paul McCauley. Have you been known Paul McCauley?

That's a beautiful, Paul McCauley this time of year. Lovely. Christopher Tremaine, who is a wordsmith, by the way, ladies and gents. Tremont. Christopher Tremaine. Tremaine. You all right? Yeah. way ladies and gents christopher tremaine tremaine you're right yeah adams listen this could honestly christopher tremaine could be a pseudonym for adams like this could be who you know he's writing a book it's the way i'm posting this yes yes how to know your best friend dead well christopher

tremaine says taking a break from being the poet laureate, my favourite thing to eat is my wife's pussy, closely followed by black pudding. Never. Can't call it that. Is that an arsehole? Snip, snip. Snip, snip. Closely followed by black pudding.

Never had the nerve to ask if I can combine the two. What would be your mid-stroke during sex snack? I mean, Christopher, the question is, without any of the preamble, what would be your mid or during sex snack? But you have really enjoyed taking us down black pudding lane. Just wait for the period. You can do both.

God, God. I'm just trying to fucking fix the world over here. Oh, Lord. He's lying, though, isn't he? Can we call bullshit on Tremaine? What's really bad there is that Carl's basically just called his wife a pig as well. I don't know his wife. Oh. Listen,

I really like eating pussy, right? I don't think you can start, you know, stuffing your wife and improving

the experience for anyone. I thought it was like a... Yeah, a break. Yeah. That's the way Chris been all. No, I thought he was treating her like a fucking Christmas that's the way Chris been all pussy no I thought he was

treating her like a fucking Christmas turkey and filling her with sage and onion and stuffing a goose inside the pussy I mean that's nailed

on thrush innit no it's he's being silly for comedy's sake innit that's not that's not a combo is it

come on black pudding and pussy surely he's just doing it for a bit He's being silly for comedy's sake, isn't he? That's not a combo, is it? Come on. Like pudding and pudding. Surely. He's just doing it for a bit. I know, you know. Sometimes you get peckish in the old, you know. So let's just assume that it's not any form of weird, like, you know, New Year's Eve.

We've roasted a lady. We've got duck. We've got lamb. We've got Shirley. Got her from the zoo. She works there. So mid-Sex-Knaff? Yeah, just to be like... Because sometimes if you're going for it

and it's an absolute sesh, you do need like a water break, don't you? Millions? Like the cricket. I love millions. Blueberry. Oh, fill it. Fill it with millions.

No, it's very separate. We're separating it so we're not stuffing food into people. No? You can do whatever you want. I just want it to be like one of them things that you get. Play your own game.

That you get bubble gum out. Just put 20p into me, girlfriend. Twist that round. I can't even catch them all. Minstrels. Oh, we can't call them that. Yeah, you can. That's the name of the chocolate Do you know what I mean though

Sometimes a bit of a Do you have a bonk for long enough That you need a Like a water break Look at Finn nodding Yeah yeah yeah Water breaks That's

That's not uncommon If it's a summer one Yeah But like a food... A summer... Karl, I need to stop for water. It's fucking February. No, it's like the Premier League, isn't it?

They get a water break in the summer, not in the winter. Yeah. Oh, right. If you're fucking in Qatar, you want some Evian on hand. Yeah, it's true. Have you ever had a girl spit water back into your mouth? I love it. Oh, mate.

I love it so much. She's like, oh my God, I need a drink. And you're like, a bit of that. That's great fun. I forgot that that's a thing. Adam's horny. I am. I am.

I love it. I love it. I don't know why I said it like that. I love it. I'm on into food with sex. I don't think. I said it like that I love it I'm not into food with sex I don't think I've never Have you ever done it?

Have you never covered Seneca in cream And licked her dry? I'm not really into food In sex Have you never like You know Bit of double cream Bit of Elmia

I don't know I just like Well what are the traditional ones? Like squirty cream Double cream Not whipped cream Double cream Pour it It go all over Double cream Not whipped cream I prefer custard Hot

I'm British at you Hot custard Yeah Oh fucking hell I like crumble but Yeah No I don't know I just

I don't know I'm all into food Maybe I've never Maybe I've never tried it properly. I'd start with squirty cream. That's not really a food, though, is it? Yeah, it is. It's something you eat with your mouth and digest.

It's 100% a food. That is a food. Is there any proper food, like a solid? Then you can add into sex. Strawberries. I think strawberries and cream. I have dipped a strawberry into a pom-pom before, and it's fantastic.

They complement each other really well. When? What? When? each other really well. When? What? When? Come on. When? With your ex-girlfriend? Right.

I won't tell you which one because... Were you doing... Was it during Wimbledon? Because strawberries and cream and a tennis outfit with fucking the tennis on.

You're literally describing me dream night but no, it wasn't. Right. I just tried a bit of food. It was just scratchy cream, bit of food It was just Squirty cream Bit of strawberries

Just popped it in Okay Go ahead Gil Did she pop it in you And then go No No You don't want bum all

On your strawberries That's a fact Adam row bum all On your strawberries There's not many worse Substances on planet earth That you won't Borrow your strawberries

One of you Battery acid And now my Hey Can you imagine Adam legs in the air my turn get a strawberry you've had it done to you

now it's time to do it to me I don't know maybe we all do a Patreon special we all shag each other with food I don't know

mukbang cool I'm just open to experimenting me. I'll get like, like I'm not like, there's not many things I'm super keen on. Like not, keen's the wrong word.

There's not anything I'm super insistent on where I'm like, oh, we need to try this. But anything a woman wants to give a go, eh, I'm a little soldier and I want to make people happy. Also, I love this new lane of everything we talk about. Maybe we could do a Patreon special about it.

Stuffing strawberries up each other's bumholes. I don't know. Maybe I'm not into it, but if I can monetise it and put it on our Patreon. You know we've... Guys, if you see the strawberries up a bumhole special, you know we've defo run out of ideas for Patreon specials. Yeah, that's us jumping the shark there.

Sign up. Sign up. Sign up at patreon.com. Matthew. Matthew's come for strawberries. Sorry, guys. I could only get raspberries. Have you met Matthew? That's not Matthew's voice

in any way, shape or form. Is that more like fucking Luis Ogula? He's just a scouse lad bit of advice I massively disagree one bit of advice and then we've got a break because our guest is here

Will's lost it apparently I can't hear Matthew's voice apparently he's like lad you alright my name's Matthew I'm technical with tech yeah that apparently he's like lad you alright my name's Matthew I'm to go with tech

yeah that's that's definitely the Matthew I've met I'll get him on right now I'm doing that again Max Rutherford says now this is an update from a previous episode

Max Rutherford used to work in size oh he did and he left he got a job at a golf club do you remember this one oh no it's a different Max

I think I was just one of your batty of colleagues to give them fucking king shit yeah no what

it was like assert yourself yeah he wanted to assert himself at a Tory golf club have a lion take a lion take a lion

it was one of the better bits of advice and then cook it has he done it put it in the oven 280 you want 180 take a lion. Take a lion. It was one of the better bits of advice. And then cook it. Has he done it? Just put it in the oven. 280, you want 180 for a lion. Slow cook it.

In the main oven. And Wag Wag Lids, sorry, that's the worst joke ever. No, I actually really liked that. It was good. No,

it was good. Well done. Cut it out. Cut it out. Max Rutherford says, Wag Wag Lids, Max from the golf club here, or formerly from the golf club here Or formerly from the golf club

Now Just been made Redundant From the money grabbing Money laundering Tory cunts Allegedly That I work for

Having had you lids Tell me what to do When I get to the club Lion handgun On first tee He's just put it in brackets Just to sum up the advice I think I'm going to get a gun as well

Gun in one hand. Playing golf today, lads. Yeah. You're all right. I need your help to fuck with them. Now I'm gone. Unless you work for these cunts, you didn't hear anything.

See you in December, Lids, at the live show. Big love from Max from the golf club. Simple solution. Just let the line loose on the golf course now. Now you've left. And just shoot the odd person on the way out

yeah is that you go to prison though get on the golf course for murder before for murder that's quite a long sentence

that one get on the golf course before it opens one day poo in every hole right you'll need Adam for that this is very rarely

very rarely do we have the same advice but i'm not joking that was exactly what came to my head yeah but in my head you were like i haven't got enough shit for 18 holes i could pinch one off i could do one and two we can do every golf course in the northwest if you think me i need the boys. Max, we'll all come down. We'll bring Adam. He's the whole back nine. We've got normal humans with normal bowels.

We'll do the front nine. Pooing in golf courses, special. Yes. Lads, I'm not sure about this. Get that strawberry out of your arse. We're going down the golf course. Yeah, poo in every hole. Poo in every hole Or collect some poo

Over a period of days Don't do that That's worse No it's not What are you doing Max Just picking up poo No your own poo You only need 19 days Dan

Right Or if you're like me You need like 3 19? Am I biting? You nearly did Oh I nearly bit You kind of nibbled on it.

I had a little nibble. I thought you were being special. I think that's literally... Yeah, poo in all your holes. Hole in one on that advice. Like shove it in, but like some kind of stick as well. So like it's all over the gaff

because you could probably scoop it out if it's easy. Plunge it in. They won't know until the ball's... You just let them pick the ball out and it's covered in shite. If you just plop in the hole, they're going to go, oh, well done, Trevor.

Imagine how gutted you'd be with that hole in one. Great pop there. Thanks, guys. Looks like my handicap's not too bad today. Oh, God. Dilute it. Dilute it. That'd be even worse.

Oh, yeah. Make a little squash. Like, shit squash. Wow, Finn. I like it. You want it to be as lumpy as possible. There's a reason you've not had a mic. even worse make a little squash like shit squash no wow Finn I like her you want it to be as lumpy as possible there's a reason you've not had a mic okay

oh you don't need to you don't need to dilute Adam's plop just get a fucking spade and just tap on loads of holes in the greens that's good as well Carl yeah or murder

everyone set fire to the clubhouse and then shit That's good as well, can't you? Or, murder everyone. Set fires in the clubhouse. Shit in the holes. Set fires in the clubhouse and then at their funerals

poo on their caskets. I'm just giving options. Let's have a break. Landmines. Get Mark Watson in. Let's get changed. I fancy a change. Let's get changed. I fancy a change. Let's subtly change

the backdrop as well. The lighting. I'm going to put a green. Mark Watson was in last week so we've already recorded with him. Yeah, that's the bit. What's happening lads?

Manscaped have sent us a new advert read through and it's because the soccer season has started. We love soccer. And they want us to basically do this. They've sent us a script so Dan's going to read it. Can't miss that.

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delivery at manscape.com and use code WORD20. Celebrate a new season of the beautiful game with your newly beautiful balls. My balls have always been fit. That's it. Hey, part three. Mark Watson's here. Mark Watson is here. How are you, lad?

I'm alright. How are you? Thanks for coming in. We're going to have to stop. I'm going to have to stop asking the guests how they are when we record, when i've been sat here talking to them for half an hour before yeah there feels i've tried to keep some chat back you kept it bad yeah yeah mark just stared at him and didn't answer any questions like yeah it's been a really weird half hour actually i'm really glad we can't monetize it yeah Yeah. Exactly. How are you doing? You're in Liverpool tonight and we've nabbed you for the studio. I might not even talk to you now.

I might just see how long we can keep this going. Okay, cool. Yeah, you talk to Dan. Massive payoff going to do. In the first half earlier, Mark, I did quite a lot of the heavy lifting. So if you and Dan just want to have a chat, that's fine. Yeah, you'll have to go through Dan to get to me

if that's all right. So Dan, I'm not bad actually. Yeah, I'm in Liverpool tonight. Lovely studio, by the way. Are you on tour? I am, yeah. Oh, nice. And it's fair to say I'm hungover actually,

because I did a show in, well, I was in Yorkshire last night. Where in Yorkshire? Ilkley. Ilkley? Ilkley, more Bartat? Yeah. What? Which is a song, it's about not having a hat on, isn't it? Is that what thatat. Yeah. What? Which is a song

that's about not having a hat on, isn't it? Is that what that means? Yeah. It's the sort of thing your grandad... Yeah,

as I said that, I knew it would just fucking annoy and melt minds. What the fuck are you talking about? What were the words? Say it again.

Ilkley, more Bartat. It's the sort of song your grandad sings, but then he's dead in the end, isn't he? Yeah,

he is. He died in Ilkley I took a punt on your grandad being dead he's not he's not dead I've actually got one you've still got one left

but he's not the better one yeah I'm down to one grandma but it's also not the better one oh yeah just spiders I'm all dead as of very recently

Ilkley Moorbar Tat yeah Ilkley like a lot of people from Bradford go up there apparently isn't it it's your Bradford it's your

it's your North Bradford it's your Ilkley exactly I was going to say it's your go up there apparently, innit? It's your Bradford, it's your... It's your North Bradford, it's your Ilkley. Exactly. I was going to say it's your Leeds, but I've got a separate gig in Leeds. Did you have to get shit-faced in Ilkley? Is that what you're saying? I think it's fair to say I didn't have to.

When in Rome. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know if... I can't really blame it on Ilkley. You tell Mark that I'm hungover as well. Right. Mark, Adam says that he's a bit hungover as well. Okay, ask him how he got hungover. What happened?

He was in Ilkley as well. He did a rival tour show. I thought the numbers were a bit hungover as well. Okay, ask him how he got hungover. What happened? He was in Oakley as well. He did a rival tour show. What's Oakley? I thought the numbers were a bit low for me there. What's Oakley? It's a town in Yorkshire, lad. West Yorkshire. Going towards North Yorkshire.

Small one. And there's a moor next to it called Oakley Moor. If you go up it without a hat, you're up Oakley Moor by a tat. There you go. Yeah, fair enough. That's everyone. Northern gibberish. Do you know how it without a hat you're up Ilkley Moorbat at there you go yeah fair enough that's everyone Northern Gibberish

can you do you know how it goes the song Ilkley Ilkley Ilkley Ilkley Ilkley Ilkley

Moorbat I think that sort of thing I'm not good I'm not always good with the tune but I think yeah yeah yeah

you beat me in the So You Think You're Funny semi-final in 19... He doesn't stop going on about this, by the way. He was fuming when I told him. 1912, 1912. It was 1912 because we had the centenary a few years ago. The Titanic sunk six years prior.

The Lusitania had just gone down. He mentions this quite a lot. He does. When I told him you were coming in, he's like, that fucking prick beat me. I don't deserve it. You've just got to move on With your life haven't you

No Every success you've had I thought should have been mine Is that Is that what's going to happen Genuinely Did you win the final Mark Run her up in the final

To Nina Conti No she was third It was a bloke called Matthew Osborne Who won it And he was Matthew Osborne First ever live comedy club

That we went to He was on Do you remember him With the glasses He was a doctor With a stone He was a retired doctor he had the opener

with a suit on yeah oh yeah yeah he was fascinating because he was one of these you sometimes get these people win a competition

he was rave and funny but he had no interest in actually being a comedian he just entered it for the hell of it yeah and then everyone was saying what are you going to do next

and he was like like Jack Heel who won the Chortle Comedy Award it happened surprisingly often yeah someone's great at it and then they've got five minutes and then they just piss off

and just become a jewellery. Jack Seale beat Simon Baird, Chris Ramsey, Danny McLaughlin and someone else in the final. So Matthew Osborne actually went on to do

professional work for about three years. Yeah. Got a look at the circuit and then as a pretty intelligent person went, nah, that's not how I want to make a living.

And then just disappeared. He worked in a jewellery store I think or something and our final it was rod uh greg davis again it was a good lineup and he rinsed everyone he was clear winner but yeah as you say he had a bit of a go at doing stand-up and thought now you have to he hated going anywhere that was part of his problem i think he didn't want to ever do gigs that took him further than his hat bit like adam sleeping in the studio i suppose yeah but there have been in in your career in our career we've known people who are super talented and then they just sort of they don't it's not that they're not funny they're dead funny they just sort of don't suit the life like uh i don't want to be on the m62 all the fucking time and it it sort of makes sense it's how you whittle down like truly great comics are not just good at

comedy they've also had to put up with a fucking ridiculous lifestyle and been able to put up with it. I'd say that, like, how much you stick at it is more important than the raw talent you start with, for sure. Like, more of it is hard work than actual. Because there's loads of people who are good, but as you say, there is... There's some people who are shy to work too hard, though,

and need to stop. Unfortunately, that's also true, yeah. You've got to stick at it unless you're shit and then you should leave. But we've not really got a filtering system for that. It's hard to tell people. No, it's the freest form of art. The cull.

I think every year a council of comedians should be brought together and enforce the cull. That would be so good. Mark Watson, Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale, sit down and you just, there's 20 got to get relegated. Name them, go on. Yeah, yeah.

And the way you were, I will start with, the way you find out is, I reckon you just get, it's like the mafia, you just get a tap on the shoulder or something, you're just walking down the street

and someone just, you just get given like a Tesco uniform. Yeah, yeah, and someone says, I'm sorry, I think you're on your way to a gig

and you get there and your name's not on it and it turns out you've been there. Or like a room and it's just a staff room of a modison's when they pick a like pick the england squad and there's always two or three players that like thought they were going and the manager actually calls them personally and says i'm sorry you've not made it like it should be that maybe like we actually have to phone them up and say oh definitely adam this is a tough phone call to make but you're not a comedian anymore i'm quite happy to be there i like breaking bad news

yeah i think you'd love it he'd do it on a group call like lads you fucked is it 20 every year there's so many comedians now it's gonna it's got to be at least that many i think cold i think it's 20 and then it goes up by 20 on top of that every year so it it's 20, 24. Right. 28.4. Right, until we're, yeah. Until we're down to eight comedians. No one expected 28.4 there, to be fair. It's also wrong. It's 28.8, but I didn't want to correct myself.

Fair enough, yeah. Steve wanted to. Yeah. The competitions are a bit batshit, aren't they? Because they teach you from a young, like a early age that you, like I always felt like it was a bit unhealthy, sat at the back hoping everyone died on a bill.

It's not really, it's not really what stand-up's about. Stand-up's about you being the best act, I get it. Like you're very competitive. Everyone likes being a very good comedian, but I want everyone else to do well. I want the crowd to have a good,

it's a weird thing at the comps where you're like, die, say something wrong, die. Every laugh, like your competition gets you like, you fucking prick. It's not even that good of a joke you fucking there was one-on-one and uh and part of it was the bloke before me it just died so much that just whoever was next on was gonna have a great gig and backstage you're thinking yeah you think i feel for this guy but also this is absolutely playing into my hands and again that's i felt dirty having that thought i don't think even if

you're competitive you're not in a club watching someone die thinking right this will be easier for me but in this competition yeah you've got a thing like that like i don't even think it's good having someone die if you're on a on a comedy club bill or if you've got a support act having someone die i suppose if you don't know stand up you might think oh well you're gonna look dead good now you're like no because it can fucking weird out a gig just a grim atmosphere around the whole building yeah like you want everyone to do dead well and then you go fucking blast would you ever throw someone under the bus if they've died would you ever go on and be like what the fuck was that i had chris addison emceeing though in that competition so it was perfect because not only did the guy die but then he went on

immediately lifted it again there's a relief in the room yeah you're right if i got on straight after the the death then you're in if I'd gone on straight after the death then you probably are I think if someone dies there has to be some sort of acknowledgement professional courtesy

and also you have to acknowledge it you can't be like hey well done because the crowd are fuming it's difficult every time I've MC'd when someone's properly died

it flashes through your head to just ignore it, but then... No, you can't. If you're comparing, the audience has to trust you. Yeah. And if you go on and go,

that was great, the audience is like, no, it isn't, and now we think you're a fucking moron. Yeah, I've had it in competition. I've hosted competitions quite a lot, like student ones and stuff, and you do,

yeah, you lean quite heavily on going, these guys are great, you know, they're all great new talents, and if the first guy is shit, And you do, yeah, you lean quite heavily on going, these guys are great. You know, they're all great new talents. And if the first guy is shit, like you say, Adam, you can't then be like,

told you, you have to say, all right, some of them are shit. These guys are great. And then you have a list in front of you and names you've clearly read him for the first time.

These guys are amazing. You're in for a great night. Two or three of these would be good. Yeah. Well, it's Dave, Dave Johns, famously,

John Bishop wrote about in his book, when I was the sound tech, when I was in the competition with you, when I was starting out 2002, great night two or three of these would be good yeah well it's dave dave john's uh famously john bishop wrote about in his book when i was the sound tech when i was in the competition with you when i was starting out 2002 that was when i was the sound tech at the hyena in newcastle yeah dave john's compared john bishop on john bishop was a year and a half in and he was already getting paid work he was just very very good yeah just naturally good but hadn't got much experience. Rough night at the High Year in Newcastle. John Bishop was opening and John went on. He was very slow paced and like laconic. Is that the right word?

Just super relaxed and not what the Geordie crowd wanted. After they'd had Dave John's compare for about half an hour. Incredibly well. A million words a minute. A million words. So creative. So in the room and then john bishop just rolls off he only loves gold does he love copper i haven't seen that for more

than a decade but immediately it comes back but john bishop died there's no two ways about it it was a bit of a stinker and dave bishop walked on away john's there dave john's day bishop dave john's bishop dave john's Dave Fisher just let me finish the story you pack of cunts whoa he went I'll break it's alright

Dave's back Dave's back I'm like I'm like an emergency comp hair break here instead in case of shit

first act and fucking hell it's so that's not just acknowledge it that's that's throwing someone on the bus but I don't mind John Bishop mentioned that's not just acknowledge it that's that's throwing someone

on the bus and i don't mind john bishop mentioned that can you just ask adam not to interrupt you again if you're doing a story yeah what would this the podcast wouldn't exist mark oh yeah i forgot that the podcast one is adhd and his pal like a word i agree that uh if you get to the level of saying in case of first first acting shit then that is a little bit more than no it's a so next time i saw we were in chester at a gig john bishop dropped in and i was there and i'd compared him on and john was like oh cool that's so nice that dan's compared me on he was the sound tech and you're like i didn't know this was brought up 10 years later john bishop goes dan used to be a sound tech that's how he got into comedy it's really nice now right yeah yeah yeah he's a big name they're dead chuffed to see him and he was like i remember when i was in newcastle i got compared on by a guy called it's

all there he retold the story perfectly because dave john was like i don't give a fuck who this guy is he's done badly i'm gonna make a little joke at his expense. John Bishop has then got really famous and had remembered every fucking ounce of that story. One day, James Jones sees him on the telly and thinks, If you die on your ass, you'd remember that more than a lot of the good gigs you have. And especially if you knew. And then the compere cuts you off.

Yeah. That's a whole other layer, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But I also don't, I don't hate it. If I died on my ass

and the compere went back on after me and was like, that was fucking shite. You're 10, 12 years in, you've been on telly, you're dead successful. When you're two years in, you're doing your first professional,

you're very, everything's dead important. I never did the hyena. Because of that reputation, not specifically that night, but it was, when I was starting out, it was seen as the most frightening club.

Also, I didn't have enough money to get to newcastle to be fair but and the frog in manchester had the same sort of it did and the first time i played i was terrified for that reason it was quite a benign night and i thought what was all the frogs fine yeah frogs good when you when you're starting out again certain clubs have this this you know like in my head the hyena was hundreds people like a real snake pit and you'd you'd you imagine people basically, as soon as you walked on and opened your mouth,

people just screaming for your butt. But a lot depends on just the night. Fucking shite, mate. Fucking shite. The guy that stood on the table. Get off the table. And nobody shite at the bounce was like, I know he's shite, but you can't stand on the table.

Full volume, everyone listening. The hyena was bad. Like, I mean, when i got down to the frog everyone's like oh the frog's a bit mate but a really rowdy club yeah is a is is a rough one it is something isn't it and i think you've got to just when you're young there's a bit of fearlessness you're like oh yeah bring it on like if i'd been in the area and i'd have the opportunity i probably would have because it's almost as though if you know a club is meant to be wild like that a part of you's just like when you're 25 you think go on and throw me in i'm

not scared of these guys yeah then i reckon i'd be worried about that now because when no one knows you are a death doesn't hurt that much does it you just fuck up home also i when i was young because that's how i grew up i was more intimidated by the fringe because with the fringe you get a load of comedy fans people who work in the industry and they sit there and go go on then and then you basically yeah you you all your limitations are on show because everyone's listening to all of your bullshit it does i i found it easier in the bear pits because i was like i've got bits about drinking and fingering and it worked really well for the first three four years i used to be his opener i've got bits about fingering and drinking i know it's paraphrasing

but I basically did it was dross but it worked really well I used to go up to the fringe and find it as you say you've got suddenly it's like people are like I will politely listen to everything you've got in your brain for an hour and you're like oh shit hang on

what about the drinking and fingering stuff maybe you shouldn't have called your fringe show more stuff about drinking and fingering I actually think that'd do quite well now. It would be a great name for Fringe. As long as you've been to Oxford or Cambridge and you're like, I've got a show called Drinking and Fingering, everyone will be like,

oh my God, so interesting. 20 minutes in, it's a bit challenging. 40 minutes in, it's a twist where it turns out you were fingered in childhood. It's all there. I'm tempted to do the Fringe next year as like a half run, as a work in progress.

And I think I want to do the story about my mum again, which was in my debut show. That was shit because I wasn't good enough to do it. And I think I might just call the show My Dead Mum. Yeah. Just really on the nose. The only problem with that is all the other shows called My Dead Mum in the Fringe, it'll be confusing for everyone.

No, there's not going to be many of them. I don't know. You don't reckon? I don't know. Weirdly, there is a chance. I'll scout you up then. Me ma's dead. Yeah yeah there you go yeah me mars dead lad yeah yeah and then maybe a poster of you with your dead mum or something like yeah we'll workshop it i guess i want to play me mum i'm just i just sit down in the theater to watch my mars dead lad five stars by the way. Incredible. We saw on Twitter that you've been trying to develop a pressure group

to sort out the fucking rents at the Fringe. Yeah, well, that's just not me developing, but basically there was a meeting. Can you just pull the mic into you a little bit? Oh, yeah, a mile away from it. Actually, they said a fist away, and it'll be a fucking hell of a fist. It's a hell of a fist.

You'd have to have something wrong with your hand. Feel free to pull it towards you. It is. The mic is fancy in that you can do... It's very fancy. The arm, it's on his long. Yeah, well, I went to a meeting where someone from the fringe society was saying,

like, how much evidence can you gather of people's rents going up madly over the past three years? I've basically just been asking people to name, like... And sometimes it is, like, even with inflation, it's like, the flat cost two grand more than three years ago oh wow just feel like there's loads of those and it's just if you don't know the fringe is incredible and it's wonderful and it's great to be a part of but it feels like somewhere along the way it got skewed to how the fuck is someone's

getting very rich off people trying to be comedians. That was an interesting moment with the bell. It keeps like jingling. It keeps jingling. It's doing me, Adam. Because you're doing this. Adam's bought property in Edinburgh and he rents it out during the fringe.

He's like, I'm not fucking. Yeah. That was the landlord. Calling bullshit. Shut up, Dan. And when the tenants need something, they pull a cord and the bell rings here. And then Adam pulls

another cord. Yeah. And someone else goes and does it. 2,800 quid I spent on a two bedroom flat that was fine. Yeah.

Fine. It's fucking horrific. It's mental. It's mad. I heard that and thought, oh, three grand, that's not too bad. Your sense of what is normal.

That's 2018 so has it gone boo loose I turned up sorry on this I turned up the Southside Property Management

who by all accounts are a nightmare to deal with and I just booked with them because I didn't know what I was doing and I turned up and there was a homeless fella

asleep on the stairs like right next to my like flat front door he would have paid a grand and a half I took a photo and sent i sent it to south side property manager it was like a

there's a fella asleep in there in the square way property details this is uh this wasn't on the website and they said wake him up and ask him to leave yeah problem solved oh ask him yeah he said no ah's a guy shooting up out here well take it off him don't let him do that it's a problem and i think like the the trouble is there's things they can do like the council could put a cap on it or whatever but it does come down to a small number of really greedy people owning property which is where a lot of the world's problems come down to a small number of really greedy people owning property, which is where a lot of the world's problems come down to, I suppose. And there's also, again, this is where the cull will be handy. There's so many people doing the fringe,

the demand's always there for accommodation, so they know they can take the piss. I think that's the problem. If we all just didn't do it for a year, though, if we all just went, no, then it's fucked, isn't it? Oh, let's just move it. Let's just not do it. Let's just randomly choose A-Town's just not do it let's just randomly choose

8 hour Ilkley let's have the Ilkley International Fringe Festival and go Betty's Tea Room would be like the loft bar

it would be fucking brilliant 20,000 people descend on Ilkley suddenly that would be phenomenal yeah I I've I love going up there but someone is making

way too much money also there's other there's other people making money not last time I was up there about 10 years ago I was at the Fringe and just middle of the afternoon we had this, are they called tenements in Edinburgh and Glasgow they're basically old Victorian high rises

really nice, like 5 bedroom flats or whatever, just got a knock one afternoon and these three rough looking edinburgh lads were like right we're here to clean the windows and i was like like a knob and i was like okay cool come in thank you clean windows are great they had literally like a squeegee and a bucket and nothing else and then walk they were like just quickly walked into all the rooms and i was like oh they're all cleaning windows by climbing onto the ledge we were like just quickly walked into all the rooms. And I was like, oh, they're all cleaning windows.

By climbing onto the ledge, we were like four floors up. And they were like, so you're doing the fringe? Oh, Marta, are you doing a show? I was like talking to one of them while the others were having a good old fucking rummage. A good old look. Did you get robbed? Well, I don't actually think they got anything. Like no one, like I was like sort of worked out what had happened no one was missing i think my i think my ipod nano

went but that might not have been a bad thing like it's a bad day at the fucking window cleaning burglary office you come away with is a nano yeah nano little pedo that's disappointing isn't it yeah yeah the window's still there you didn't notice that they didn't take the window window cleaning i'm such a yes come in clean window you'd have been like lads fuck off where's your permit i don't respect window cleaners get out what is that if someone turned up to clean my windows and i hadn't booked them i'd be like no indoors no in a rental though indoor Indoor window cleaning? Yeah, of course, if it was your house, you'd know that no one had booked it.

But in my head, I was like, oh, it's the landlord. The landlord's really conscientious. Once the inside of the window's cleaning. Oh no, they got out onto the ledge and cleaned the outside. Like, this is how we do it. You don't want to say. I feel like this is very much on you, this one, you know. Yeah, I'm a dickhead, yeah. That's what I'm saying. I was like, I'm in. I'm the same though. It's funny, very want to say- I feel like this is very much on you, this one, you know. Yeah, I'm a dickhead, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

I was like, I'm in. I'm the same, though. It's funny, very difficult to say. Okay, just one question. Are you burglars, though? Hey, hey, hey, come on. I have to tell you as well, the burglars code means if you ask them,

they have to tell you. Yeah, it's like the magic circle. It's double jeopardy, isn't it? It's double jeopardy. Oh, sorry, yeah. Yeah, if you say, are are you a boogler? They're like, fair play, got me, and there's hands in the air. Part of the problem is there used to be loads of people

that would come round your house, just 20, 30 years ago, someone would knock on the door. And that's sort of declined, isn't it? So there's a guy that knocks on my door selling fish once a week. Now? Now! Now, as in the present like just knocks the door says what any fish obviously i say firstly no exactly i'm definitely not getting fished this way and

are you a fish man or is this because it just is this an elaborate haddock based anyone that thinks fuck it i'll have some prawns off this with the best world in the world dirty man but like they're looking for where your car keys are. There's a fish man, that's the thing, like, there's a fish man by your Mars. Is there? There's a fish man. Sounded like a slam,

did it? There's a fish man by your Mars. I've never seen a fish man at my door. Maybe, it smells like it. There's a fish man by your Mars. He, he,

he, sells fish, outside the fruit shop Oh he doesn't knock on your door That seems like a He doesn't knock on your door though No that's not what I said Yeah so that's

If that's a crime That's a pretty That's a very long way He sells fish Hang on But that's a different thing That we're talking about We're literally talking about people

You know when there's a shop With TVs Near your house No He literally turns up And sells fish Out the back of a van At your door.

No, on the road. Outside the fruit shop. On the road. It's time to see where your car keys are. Don't be stupid. Oh,

really? Yeah, because you can just fucking steal your car keys because you know you put them next to the front door. What if they sell really good fish?

That's the sort of thing, isn't it? That fish man's had a good old look now. What you should start doing is buying the fish off him and then he can't afford to buy the fish no more

and he'll stop robbing people. That's a great idea. Actually make his business sustainable. Yeah. I'll have all your fish. Yeah. Oh, shit. That'll be 250 per piece.

Yeah, that's a great call his bluff. Yeah. Yeah. Buy loads of fish. Imagine, imagine for a second. You want me to buy fish? I will buy fish, pal. Imagine for a second if a man knocked at your door

and was like, do you want to buy any fish? And you went, yeah. And he went, I haven't fish, pal. Imagine for a second if a man knocked at your door and was like, do you want to buy any fish? And you went, yeah. And he went, I haven't fucking got any. I'll have 21 cod, please. How fucking insane that would be. Fish, me.

I want a fish. I want you to sell me fish. I want to buy your fish. You'd see the panic in his eyes and then you'd hear the engine screech away as he drives from the actual fishmongers. Oh yeah, I'll go and get some fish. I'll be back in two hours with some fish then, pal. He goes to Tesco you'd see the panic in his eyes and then you'd hear the engine screech away as he drives from the actual fishmongers oh yeah I can't get some fish

I'll be back in two hours with some fish then he goes to Tesco and just plants 20p on the price he heals the labels off clever hey Egor if you're listening

that's how you make money if someone's trying to tell you meat it's usually like in the pub innit yeah someone who's just robbed robbed from Tesco's yeah

I've never had a stolen smackhead steak I don't know if it tastes better again like you've got to have a better plan for your dinner than just hopefully someone's going to put up with some meat that they've got for sale no i thought i'd wander down the pub and see if anyone's selling beef just take the security tag off ready to go you ever bought anything in the pub like that like dvds anything no but i don't know if i've ever drunk in the pubs that you uh thinking about i thought it happened in all pubs i bought the original jumanji on dvd in the air and arms because because no when do you ever say no to anyone selling jumanji

in the air and i don't understand how funny this was right so we're sat around watching like the fuzzy and this fella comes over and he's like, do you want to buy a DVD? Did it come with free lamb? No. I went to him. I went for a laugh

to make Josh laugh. I went, have you got Jumanji? And he went. Mate, he didn't do it that quick though. He didn't, have you got Jumanji?

Yeah. Weirdly, Jumanji's the one that I keep getting. In fact, these are all Jumanji. Yeah. I knew you were going to ask for Jumanji's the one that I keep getting in my songs in fact these are all Jumanji yeah I knew you were

going to ask for Jumanji he's a magician yeah he was a magician who sells DVDs here's Jumanji you wanted me had he

go home to yours now and see what's on the telly there you go I'd buy a DVD from a magician who could get any DVD out of your ear yeah big mum's house too please lads go ahead mark have you ever bought it from the pub no because i think i'm trying to think like i once saw someone trying to sell

cheese in a pub that's even weirder than me and it because like that goes off so quickly and stuff like that and i could again i couldn't get he must have nicked it but it's just like again i just oh you'd be going to a lot of pubs before someone said yeah fuck i'll have some stilton it's just it seems like it's the same with the fish man i don't understand how much business these guys are doing really i don't think i've ever bought anything i mean i'd buy fish off the fish man if he knocked at my door i mean you know to get to my front door some fucking effort that but like if I lived in a house and someone knocked on the door and was like, do you want to buy some fish?

I'd get some. I respect the hustle. Do you know what I mean? That's better than getting it from Tesco, isn't it? Getting it from the fish fellow who's going door to door. I think Tesco's dead good, you know? I worry if things are going to go wrong, even if, like, someone once offered me a train ticket

in a pub, I remember, that was unused. They were just like, I can't use this. And I think I did. It was a station next to a pub, and I worked there, I could I remember that was unused. They were just like, I can't use this. And I think I did. It was a station next to a pub and I worked out I could use it, but something about it is just like, this can't be. And probably.

Like a SWAT team's waiting for you. Yeah, basically. They're non-transferable. You're not going to it. Get down. In Liverpool, if you walk past a bus stop or a train, you'll very often see a day rider,

like a day ticket, just tucked into the thing nice if someone just leave their day tickets like to bus stop so you see that's nice and that's what yeah and if you're leaving a car park and you've bought an all-day pass and you're like there's four hours and you see someone go into the thing as long as it's not one that asks for the registration you go it's not my ticket yeah i've had an ncp car park attendant go you can't do that you're like fuck off are you are you from the family that own the ncps because if not yeah sure is your name alan ncp it is actually yeah yeah yeah oh dear i just the guy who invented car parks Just really wanted to live his life that way Invented car parks? The invented car parks?

Yeah He was like What year was that? What year was the car park invented? 97 I think 97 Oh shit I remember that Because

You probably won't remember it Because you were a young lad We just used to park in fields Sometimes we'd like I remember Yeah just Oh shit it's a ditch Yeah

You'd get to a new town Your dad would say, if only they'd invented somewhere where you could park cars. But yeah, we'll go on the beach again. One day, lads. Do you watch Tomorrow's World? Everyone watch Tomorrow's World. When you get to Tomorrow's World,

I want to see some of the funny shit Tomorrow's World. Yeah, so it must have been in about 1992, they did one where they said, one day cars will be parked systematically in two-story buildings. In one building. Whoa, mind blown. At the time, it was like sci-fi, wasn't it?

Yeah. Like Tomorrow's World, like funny predictions. I watched one yesterday, the internet one. Really? Yeah. What a show, mate.

Right, what are we doing? Tomorrow's World. But like funny predictions. I've never heard of it. It was a programme on BBC and it was like, this is what will happen in 20 years, big flying cars and shit.

Yeah. The Office of the Future. Just go and text Finn. What? All right. Ladies and gents, welcome to our new feature, Finn Can't Work the Internet, which go on text, Finn. What? All right. Ladies and gents, welcome to our new feature, Finn Can't Work the Internet,

which is becoming a regular thing. There must be a list of funny things tomorrow's world predicted. There isn't, and it's not Finn's fault. It's his sort of thing tomorrow's world. I mean, there's one right there. I'm looking at it.

There you go. Go down to the text. Yeah, let's read it. Tomorrow's world prediction. Oh, yeah. We are remarkably on the money. Oh, yeah. We can't on the money. Oh, yeah. We can't listen to it.

We can't listen to it because you're fucking pubes. What a show, though. Anticlopube Challenge. It'd be stuff like... It'd sometimes be... Carl, I'm giving you this. You deserve that.

That's all you were trying to do. And, you know, Neighbours, Lonely Doors, Mad. Have you ever watched the telemark? Oh, man. My dad used watched the telemark? Oh man. My dad used to sing me the theme tune from Home and Away to send me to sleep.

That is so council, it's unbelievable. Close your eyes Adam. Let me be the one that you run to, someone you can rely on, home and away. It's closer each day first. Home and away. It's closer to each day first. Home and away. If he'd sung Home and Away first, you'd have sat up in bed and said, fuck off, do that again.

Hang on. Wrong lyrics. I won't sleep a wink now. If your dad actually sang theme tunes from the fucking 90s 80s and 90s no I'm not messing

I'm not messing by the way I sort of do you reckon that that age has gone where the theme tune was like someone would actually sing it

and it would have the title of the program in it I don't reckon you get as much like Only Fools and Horses used to have really long you know I don't reckon a sitcom now much. Like Only Fools and Horses used to have really long, you know. I don't reckon a sitcom now

would ever be like, here in the office, funny stuff happens. Yeah. Not as on the nose. Funny stuff happens. Yeah. It's very deadpan.

It's a bit on the nose, that market. I'm just, I'm just workshopping a bit. Yeah. I mean, that's right though, because even Friends

didn't have like, you know, Friends doing loads of stuff having a laugh different characters you know yeah but the song is about friendship

isn't it I'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall I'll be there for you like I've been there before don't fall asleep oh I see I'm starting to read

between the lines of the lyrics now Pat I don't know what he's a sing the lyrics too didn't the cast would sing them occasionally like as well in the 80s The lines are the lyrics now, Pat. And I want you to sing the lyrics too. Then the cast would sing them occasionally. In the 80s, you had sitcoms where like...

He's just trying to fuck me up. Monarch of the Glen. Monarch of the Glen. There's a king in the Glen. Here I am in my Glen. I wish I was a king in this Glen. Closer each day, day monarch of the glen every one of them

like the theme tunes every single show in the 80s even the news it was a guy going here's the news here comes the news here's the news

it's the 10 o'clock news with me Trevor McDonald actually that you know Christian what's his name Christian Guru Murphy who does

used to do Chime for News. They used to have, maybe they still do, the theme tune went, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba. Oh, I used to love that. And he told me that when he goes home, he sings in his head, and when he's on camera, in his head he goes, it's the news. It's the news.

It's the news. It's the news. I can never forget him, don't I? Love it. I've seen him driving home. It's the news. Stop doing that. It's the news. shall we have a little

interval yeah is it when's the blue chew ad going in can we can this be the blue chew ad the last one yeah

you'll have had you'll have an erection next time people will see your face so we've got a new we've got a new sponsor and it's a chewies for your cock

it gives you a hard on wait it's not the other yeah it's other than wait I so want to be sponsored by a chewing gum that is a bit like Viagra. Have you ever been having a chewy and thought, I wish I was hard right now?

My breath is fresh, but my dick is soft. You need blue chew. You ever have a chewy, but you want to chew? It's a blowjob in Liverpool. Okay, cool. I think that's a scouser, some of you know. Do you like oral pleasure? Is that... It's a blowjob in Liverpool. Okay, cool. I think that's a scousism, you know. Do you like oral pleasure?

Is that... Is that a scousism? What? Have you ever said to a girl, gives a chew? What, my wife, Laura? All the time. And I'd actually, lad, gives a chew.

She loves it. She loves it because she likes being talked to like she's a scouse teenage boy. Lad, do it. Chew me. Then she just noshes me off. I don't think noshes me off is much better as an expression to be absolutely fair.

It's what she uses. Genuine question. Have you ever heard a chew used in that context? Gizzard chew? No, but I don't mind it. I have to say. I think I will be using it. Gizzard chew?

That's a chewing gum, isn't it? No, it's chewy. If think I will be using it. Gizzard Chew. That's a chewing gum, innit? No, it's Chewy. If you say Gizzard Chewy and someone starts stuffing you up. Chew versus Scouseism. No. Yeah, it's very terrible. It's all mad school. Hey shout out all Scouse women

or gay guys giving blow jobs, don't chew. No one wants that. No one wants that. Mince me cock. Yeah. Using your fucking business teeth. Yeah, it's more meant to be melting your mouth situation than chewing, I think.

Yeah. That was a thing at school for us, wasn't it? There's a chewed air girl. That's what I'd say. Is that what you'd say? I love it. There's a chewed air girl. She chewed me off.

I'd shove it out the window. Oh, right, okay. The fish man. Where is it? Where is it? He's not lying. He's not lying. Scout's it where is it he's not lying he's not lying scouts no it's not absolute no i'm feeling a bit jazzy jack jack you're all fucking are we lying there's another scouts in the room oh yeah let's employ more scouts she chewed me off is a term Yeah Someone's fallen in one of your bathrooms Did you fuck her?

No she chewed me off Let's have a break I've got a hard knob Thanks Blue Chew Alright guys We want to tell you about Blue Chew We've got a sponsor And it's for your penis

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and get 30% off a subscription for life the two codes are have a word 50 for 50% off your first order. Or you can use a different code and get 30% off a subscription for life. The two codes are... Have a word 50 for 50% off your first order. Have a word 30 for 30% off a lifetime subscription. You can smash pussy for life then, lad. You know what I mean? You can get packs.

You can get boxes. Go to ladlabs.co.uk. Get some Bluetooths and fuck like me. Like a champion. Nailed it. Par four. Par four. I'm drinking Sneak. UK, get on Bluetooth and fuck like me, like a champion. Nailed it. Par four of four. I'm drinking sneak. Thanks for asking, Mark.

Wait, wait, we can do this. Mark, can you just ask Dan what he's drinking? Are you talking again? That's really nice. We made it up in the interval. I'm sneaked out of my head, so I don't know. Flying lad. I've got a boner from Bluetooth. Hang on. Sorry, pal, what are you drinking over there?

Mind your own fucking business. Craig Knight says, Wag Wag Lids. About 10 years ago, I went to see a stand-up show in the Brindley Runcorn. The crowd consisted of me and five other people. You could tell the two acts who were on, Andrew O'Neill and a lady whose name I can't remember,

sort of struggled and just wanted to go home, but still finished the show, fair fucks. So what's the smallest crowd you've played to? And if just six paying customers turned up to a show, would you play it or just fuck it off? Mark. Firstly, I've got a memory of the Brindley in Runcorn, which is I did a tour show once there,

and for some reason, at some point, they changed the start time and half the audience had 7.30 on their tickets half at 8 o'clock so I went on at 7.30 and I thought this is not as many people

as I was expecting and then like another hundred people walked in at 8pm unbelievable I've never seen that before there are some fundamentals that a venue can't fuck up

and that is one of them you've got to tell everyone the same time for the start of the show we like to stagger the crowd yeah like with football you don't see like loads of people suddenly coming in at half past three it's um i'd say oh well first you go to an everton game you see a lot of them leave at a different time no we don't try to beat the traffic that's gonna hurt them even more than they're already hurting um i don't think it's possible i'd first yeah i

would do it to just six people because I think you'd just make a thing out of it wouldn't you you'd just I like if anything if it was going to be

a terrible like terrible turnout I'd sort of rather have six than like 40 or so like if it's enough if it's a small enough number of people

that it's absolutely stupid depends what room it is doesn't it because there's some amazing gigs in small rooms where 40 is banging definitely actually yeah

six in 150 seats who's like I think we need to pull it. Unless you're at the fringe and then you've just got to get on with it. Hot water's 220. You can have a gig with 15 in there. Yeah, for sure. I reckon, like, I'd always do it regardless, I reckon. But that's partly because I do like chaos and stupid stuff. Like, if it was a small enough number of people,

you could just take them to a pub and do it around a table or something. I think that'd be a nice compromise. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. I've performed. Do it in the car. Just do it in the car. I've got a pub and do it around the table or something I think that'd be a nice compromise oh yeah that'd be nice I've performed do it in the car just do it in the car I've got a Q7 yeah

I've performed to literally no one before because I had to because you wanted the fee yeah which promoter was it let's name Adam Ruslan

made you do the show no so we got there Adam was like booking it and the fella at the bar was like oh yeah we've tried to sell tickets like we're just gonna

hope for walk up because we haven't sold any. And then nobody turned up and we were like, right, can we have our money so we can go home? And he was like, you haven't done the gig. Well, you have. And he was like, you haven't done the gig so I'm not paying you. And we were like, we'll do the gig. And he was like, go on then. So you did do it?

Yeah, to nobody. We had two intervals. Just for the bar taping. Oh my God. You're not running straight through on my watch. That's brilliant. Adam rushed me with my phone. I was like,

we're going to have a break now. We're not going to have a break. So grab yourself a drink, have a sit down. Go to the toilet. What kind of fucking landlord is that big a cunt? I was going to say that. Are you going to sit in the room? No. I'm going to be in the other bar, fuming. toilet that's kind of fucking like landlord is that big a con i was gonna you'll do it and are you gonna sit in the room no i'm gonna be in the other bar fuming but i'll know if the show happened

or not i've got a few stories about i've played to like fours and sixes but i don't think i can top playing to zero people to make a point like that that's brilliant forms in negative people yeah yeah i wasn't even there but but I did the gig. Somehow the venue would have to burn down while there were no people in it to top that. That's amazing. The most amazing bit

is that, like, well, the mind boggles at that. Why did he think that the gig would, this gig still hasn't really happened if no one's there,

is it? It's like a tree in the forest situation. He was just like, he's trying to not pay, He didn't want to pay. Yeah. But he sort of backed himself into the corner of,

if you want the money, do the gig. And we went, we were like new enough that we needed the money. That's brilliant. And we were like, well,

we'll do it then. He was like, go on. We were like, right. That's really funny. You speak to each other? No.

You speak to other comics, I mean. No, we just stood like at the bar. That's brilliant. You should have gone backstage when each other were on. When you're at Skin

and you've driven to a gig, I did a gig in Cardiff that I started at eight. I'd have been on at sort of 10. And I just, cause it was such a long drive from Manchester. I was going to get there for nine. In the time it took for them to try and start, they realised no one was there.

So they pulled the gig. So I walked in at 10 to nine to an empty pub. With no idea until then. They were like, oh, the gig's been pulled. I was like, I'm in Cardiff.

That's a three hour drive from Manchester yeah the guys were just sort of finishing upstairs and they were like oh the gig's off i was like cool i need to get paid though he was like oh the gig the gig's off and i was like i know but i'm studying cardiff mate we had to walk to a cash point and he got the cash oh that's horrible oh I don't know if he's done that to you but I had to have no not on you

on him but I also I wanted to be the guy who was like cool leave it but I was like I can't leave it no you

I've just driven from Manchester to Cardiff I'm a new comic no there's nothing there's nothing like that the worst walk to the fucking cash point ever

I might as well have been fucking mugging him that's horrible I might as well have got a fucking knife at his back you might as well have leant across him at the cash point ever i might as well have been fucking mugging him that's i might as well have got a fucking knife at his back you might as well have lent across him at the cash point and gone 10 20 he's like oh you should have seen it last time so busy i'm sure it fucking was oh every comics had that hey it's unbelievable last night i once had um uh hardly any sold in blackburn and the king george's and the bloke, he was trying to help. He said,

firstly, he said, it's normally round for comedy, mate. So, okay, cool. So I'm just shit. And then he doubled down by saying, we had Jason Manford on here, two nights sold out last week. I was like, right,

I'm starting to see where my punters might have gone. They went to fucking Jason Manford. It's amazing how many promoters think it will comfort you to hear about someone else's show went so well last week. Yeah, yeah, Jason Manford.

I'm to have three extra dates. Yeah, yeah, Jason Manfred, he had three extra dates. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on with you. Yeah, whereas you're taking dates off here, basically. He's in the other room right now. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's happened to you. When you were doing the world record attempt at The Fringe,

the longest ever comedy show, how many people in the, like, weird 5am slot did you get down to in the room? We never went below about 30 or 40 I think but some of them were asleep to be absolutely fair to them. How long did you do just for the do do do do? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do fucked and the erection still to come of course i can't wait sneak up what have you had the deliver just uh just you tell me i don't know about this world record attempt oh i did i used

to do not an attempt he got the world record do it sometimes i do these 24 hour long um comedy shows which these days are for charity but when i started out it was in edinburgh it wasn't even for charity it was just for a stunt and the longest one i did was 36 hours so like yeah a day and a half and you'd the idea is people can come and go if they want but you get like like with any of these things you get a cult you get a hardcore of like 40 50 people who just camp in there and literally like bring sleeping stuff and things like that so it was legendary it's all anyone was talking about that i did it several years consecutively in edinburgh i haven't done it for a while but uh two years time will be the anniversary the 20th

anniversary 2024 so I think I'll have another go at it then we need to do the longest podcast record I know it was like we went on and we found that

it wasn't a world record let's just set the world record is there not an existing record for that it's only audio right so you could just

press the podcast and then speak every two minutes or whatever yeah that doesn't so what were the rules with yours? You were allowed piss breaks or... Yeah, there were some like stupid...

Well, not stupid rules, but there were things like... I think it is... In theory, I think you're allowed something like five minutes off every hour with any endurance records or something. There's some sort of rule that stops you from actually dying,

but I never did that. Were you awake the whole time? Yeah. Fuck me! Even when I went to the toilet, I would bring someone with me and they would the whole time yeah fuck me even when i went to the toilet i would bring someone with me and they would relay it back to the toilet i was awake yeah i mean i don't know if i could as it's going on like the ones i do these days i'll have more guests in and like the thing with the fringe is obviously there's always comedians in the area

you can always bring people in and stuff like that but even so i try never to leave the station more than about five minutes because it starts to feel like cheating we've got to do it now we're in here we've got to do it it's an incredible feeling you just do it like on a you must have

you've got guests coming in you can just have guest hosts replace you Mark please please come up it would be such a lovely tie-in to the fact that you're the world record holder

I'd be all over that I'd love to do that lads we've got to do it it is and also it is quite it is quite kind of like what happens to you psychologically is quite is it well it's a bit like you know like everyone's had the thing where you uh you stay up all night whatever and then you do not immediately but a certain point the next day you just start feeling like you're not quite there you sort of it's not entirely unpleasant like sort of trippy feeling it's

a lot of it is like that sleep deprivation i'm gonna care yeah like i'm definitely gonna keep jordan yeah we just have guests call all our guests we've just got to do you just got to keep i keep long enough four hours i'll have a 30 an hour i'm gonna go home and come back and see how we're getting on i did some um i did a couple online during the pandemic and stuff like that as charity things and loads of people stayed for the whole 24 like these sort of events do attract you'd get you'd get loads of people stayed for the whole 24 like these sort of events do attract you'd get you'd get loads of people like following the whole thing

because people start to it's like once you've done the first three or four hours as a punter you're just like well I'm not I'm not leaving it now especially when you're

you might go for a kip again but like basically the longer you're in it the longer you're willing to stay in it past that aren't you I wonder if we could stream it we'd have to

I think we'd have to set some sort of stream up and then work out how to get it all up or whatever when stream something to go it then i don't like if we if we do 48 hour podcast i'm sure we could set the record for audio and video and like we could just pick a bunch of legends and book them in two hour slots and be like could you come and do two hours we can tag in and out a little bit. Come on. That'd be fucking amazing. Yeah, and it would be...

Mark's got to be here for that. I'd love to do it, yeah. Also, now you've got this, like you say, you could comfortably live in this for... I'm going to try to. And not for the world record attempt. I just want to be here alone.

I was going to say, for six months, yeah. A would you rather. We live and die by these would you rathers. Would you rather. George Wanless says, got a would you rather for you. If your team was in the fa cup final and you were going down to wembley would you rather wear a full kit including boots captain arms band and cap uh or oh and cap sorry or go

head to toe in the union jack we're talking full union jack suit socks shoes and possibly a hat to complete the ensemble both need to be carried with the utmost seriousness. There can be no chat of this for a bet, ATC. So you can't be like, oh, it's just a bet. You've got to wear it in seriousness down to fucking Wembley. Love the pod. Keep the bullshit coming.

That's from George. It's just, I mean, the easiest one in the world for me, so I'll pass it over to Mark. Yeah, now I support a team that have only been to the Efficot Final once, and that was in 1909. Is that Bristol City? Yeah, we're in the second tier but like i'd say if we got to the final there's nothing i wouldn't do like i i think all bets are off i'd so like i think full kit like including boots is all right i'd like i know that there's a lot of that full kit wanker thing

is a sort of but i reckon i'd i think i could that. The boots and the captain's armband is maybe a bit much, but I reckon. The boots is a little much. I'd much rather be a full kit wanker than a full blown union jack shagging paedophile. Post, post Brexit, post mother,

post Queen's death, if you went down to Wembley now, full union jack, you'd look like such a flag noncy sort of racist, wouldn't you? It's just, yeah, I don't think. I'd rather go naked than wear a fucking union jack you'd look like such a flag noncy sort of racist wouldn't you it's just yeah yeah i don't think i'd rather go naked than wear a fucking union jack that's a good would you rather actually yeah naked at the fa cup final would you rather go no you wouldn't rather go naked though

no i absolutely would if you were allowed let's say you are allowed into wembley naked yeah you'd rather sit there like that for 90 minutes i don't think it's written in any of the bylaws that you can't go in yeah if you take in blue tube before you get in there bylaws I'll take a full nudity this is interesting actually

would you they wouldn't let you in would they no no they'd arrest you would they kick you out if you got naked once you were in

yes they probably would quite quickly as well officer Dave I do not respect your authority I was born this way

it's funny because you'd be arrested that way you'd get chucked out if you're a streaker on the pitch but you don't have to see someone strip off and then

are you going to streak no I'm just a bit hot yeah just fancy it warm woo hands off just doing this with me

because I'm going to stop imagine the feeling if someone next to you at a game started to take the clothes off you'd think I'm going to witness a a top on. Imagine the feeling if someone next to you at a game started to take the clothes off and you thought, I'm going to witness

a streak here, but then they just remain in the seat. You've got your kids near you like, don't look, look. So sorry. Awful. I go Union Jack

rather than naked. I'm not taking my small peen arse to a fucking cup final. Nah. It'd certainly be a talking point, wouldn't it? I don't think that. Yeah, I think a final's

always sunny, isn't it? Yeah, it wouldn't be a bad day to be naked it's normally it's may mid may yeah the end of may now do you have to wear the current home kit or because no retro it's going to be the current with the goalkeeper on the back of the home kit of the home outfield yeah oh you put it wrong as well the goalkeeper's name but yeah right so it doesn't even so not even his number so i've've got to have Alison on the home kit with number 11. Oh, that would feel odd actually. Yeah, in a way that's almost the worst bit.

People thinking you're not in the real world. I think Westerveld on the new kit. Shout out, Sander Westerveld. He played for Everton as well, you know. Sander Westerveld. That's a little old fact. He just made his transfer to Everton. I remember hearing my own name.

I loved him. Reebok. Was he Reebok era? He was, wasn't he? The green one, I can see him in the Reebok green one as well Green and navy blue Yeah See it

Love Reebok were class when it was the old My god Let me do you a Sunder Festival impression What? No he used to go It's uncanny What?

What is that? I wanted to be a goalkeeper when I was a kid Adam what do you think about Like retro Kits like for Liverpool fans, for example? Because I've got a Liverpool massive Liverpool fan mate who takes a really dim view of people wearing

Carlsberg and Candice. I'm not sure why. He thinks it's too try-hard or something? I really like the retro stuff. I won't wear... Huh? Insane, innit? Just use code CARL10 if you're going to. Carl's sponsored by classic football shirts. Just Carlo. Doesn't give the revenue to the...

Absolutely, just me. Absolutely fine. I've got a few classic Liverpool tops, but I wouldn't... So I wouldn't wear the current kit unless I was playing football. Right. But I would wear a retro top.

Interesting, yeah. For like... We went to Leeds festival and i had the yellow retro i'll show you the picture in a minute and he had the retro everton top on right at leeds festival like a couple of weeks ago that's good um but you'd not wear this shirt to it no that would make me feel i wouldn't go with you no i don't know it has to be at least like 20 years old 20 years old yeah that's interesting so you think retro beats modern yeah every single time modern modern training stuff i like wearing because it's always nice like 15, 20 years old. Yeah, that's interesting. So you think retro beats modern? Yeah.

Of course. Three single time. Modern training stuff I like wearing because it's always nice fitting and stuff. Old training stuff's a bit baggy.

Yeah. But that was boring for everyone listening, but yeah. Okay. It's always been like, hey. Adam gives good advice.

Mark, I think you've got quite a sort of a wise sort of way about you. I think you'll give a good advice. People, oh yeah, for sure. And it's serious, so give a good advice. People, people, and it's serious. So please take it seriously. Well, the whole podcast is pretty serious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People don't come for laughs. No, they can go somewhere else for that. Stay at that height. This is from Anonymous. Dave says, wag wag lids. Whoa, whoa. Anonymous, please.

I've been seeing this lady for just over two years and have recently decided it's time to call it a day on our relationship the issue is that she has only recently like two weeks ago

got a job as the manager where I work making her my boss now I don't know what to do as I want to break up

with her but can't really be arsed with the awkwardness of working together after a breakup would love your advice please lids plant drugs on her in work but can't really be arsed with the awkwardness of working together after a breakup. Would love your advice, please, Lids. Plant drugs on it in work.

Game over. So easy. So easy. Organise the police ahead of time. Put loads of cocaine in her bag. Yeah.

And then, so then she's fired and then you can split up with her. Yeah, you can say, oh, drugs, that's not a bit of me. Bam.

Someone I know wants to leave the army exactly and did got his mate to do that to him to get checked out of the army

yeah so he so many of life's problems are solved by planting cocaine on someone it turns out yeah he wants to leave the army but he had a few years left

so he he got his mates to plant cocaine in his like his bunk or whatever and then got his mate to grass and say yeah

he's doing coke so with that and he was just honourably discharged why couldn't he have just sort of planted it himself and then be like

he's got someone to he's gone through with the full plausible deniability then yeah you have him turning around

so he can have deniability fine double Jeffrey did it work did he get you that yeah fair play yeah his missus was pregnant and he wants to go and see his kid grow yeah fair enough I have no deniability. Fine. Double Geoffrey, isn't it? Did it work? Did he get you that? Yeah. Fair play.

Yeah. His missus was pregnant and he wants to go and see his kid grow. Yeah, fair enough. I think you've got to, I think you've got to listen to Adam Rowe though because women, powerful women, very sexy. Yeah.

I would wait a while. So all of a sudden, all of a sudden, she's like, you're not down for a shift till, you're like, oh, wow, what's that? Power.

She's got a rotor. Nothing sexier than a woman with a rotor. As I've said for a shift till uh oh wow what's that power she's got a rotor nothing sexier than a woman with a rose for a while i find powerful women really attractive yes which i think is that's i agree yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah not a woman who can tell you you're not going on your break yeah you'd love that if they yeah yeah there's nothing more sexy than a supervisor at Frankie and Benny's when I'm on a split shift Adam clean the kitchen floor

and you're like oh you sexy bitch like no I couldn't stay for 15-20 minutes because you fucking hell what for someone's puked if they're working like

the range and she's his manager I just leave because it's not sexy is it where's sexy where's the rain

we could have done with someone fucking the managers of the rain last week when we need a furniture for this place can we take these

six chairs off the floor no they're display so he's not said your correspondent has not said where no not what type of work it is or anything no

I think it's a morgue no it is it is it is it is is it sexiest of all the food chains I think you've nailed morgue. It is. Taco Bell. It is Taco Bell. Is it? Sexiest of all the food chains.

I think you've nailed it with the planting drugs on it. Gone by a groundsworth of drugs. The best class in town. A groundsworth? Or a groundsworth? A groundsworth. A groundsworth of drugs. The best money you'll ever spend.

Do you want to get her fired or get her 15 years in prison? No, personal use. A grand? A grand. Oh, shit. If she does end up in prison, then that is your problem well and truly solved, Exactly.

She's deaf all gone. Yeah. Yeah. Unless they find out that you did it to her and then they put you in a mixed gendered prison and she ends up being

the top dog and then you're back in the same situation. That is unlucky though. Is she going to prison? You've got to think that far ahead. But why is she going

to prison if you get caught fraud she's still in there it's a separate offence maybe because you get done as coke conspirators in another bag that is actually

loads of lemon you don't even have to do it the twist is she's a massive coke head yeah she's been stealing tackles Joe Williams says hey lids

hey lids I'm looking for some advice I'm 21 year old lad and i'm looking for new mates but i've got anxiety oh sorry oh no there's nothing wrong with sorry joe i laugh but i've got anxiety about going out and meeting new people i've had a girlfriend for two years and her company continues to be great plus she's ushered me in with her group of friends but they're all uni students so they're away for most of the year i feel that having a girlfriend rules out bars and clubs

and going on the pool or whatever, but I don't deal well with crowds anyway. I'm wondering if the Lids have any advice as to where I could go or how I could change my attitude to meeting some pals. Thanks, Joe. Five-a-side.

Yep. Five-a-side. Five-a-side. Or another hobby. Where everybody knows your name. Five-a-side's a good shout. That is right. That is like,

it's hard to, if he's into football, it's hard to think of an easier way to meet. Yeah, but how would you find the game of Five Aside? If you've got no mates? Just wander up one day. It's an app.

Yeah. That is, find the game or something it's called. Yeah. Or the local snooker. Wow. You're getting closer to that grand of drugs, aren't you?

Just turn up. Hello, I would like to play snooker. I think I'd go for the app, yeah. I tell you what, I cannot wait. I literally cannot wait for all the groups of friends to be brought together. All her uni mates, all your snooker mates.

This is Alan and Ian. We're friends. So, do you like snooker? What are you studying? Snooker. You can actually do. That's the University of Bootle. You can do a BA in snooker. He's a snooker artist.

A BA in snooker? Yeah, it's one of the leading... I'm actually a potologist. If you're talking about a seat of learning, the University of Bootle. That's amazing. Those who can bootle you do you're abroad in sheffield at the crucible can we do can we do the branding for the university of bootle the university of bootle go ahead

what's welcome into the dream believe achieve it'd be like go to bed get on it stop being a fanny get Get a degree. You're not bad. The University of Bootle. It needs to be a hobby though, doesn't it? Somewhere you're surrounded by a lot of like-minded people. Even online,

you can find friends gaming. Oh, mate. Pottery? Yeah. Yeah? Fiberside pottery? Fiberside pottery. No, it's some of mine.

Tough game tonight. It's a tough place to go and get a result. Compensative pottery. Drawing a life- to go and get a result. Competitors of pottery. Join a life drawing class. Five wheels just facing each other. I'll tell you the best team of pottery. Stowe.

Very nice. Carl, I'm going to give you that. I didn't even want to. Someone else has got a big pot going and you just slide in. Put a reducer on them. Draw me friends. I'd watch competitive pottery

Oh 100% A life drawing Classes apparently Are a good way to meet people What other 21 year old mates Yeah You're going to end up

With a 68 year old divorcee Called Pam That's your bezo It's a start You come back from uni I want you to meet Pam Vegas Vegas

Happy Tuesday It is true though Do something Lads are so much better when they're doing, when there's an element of doing. That's a podcast. Going doing. Exactly.

That's where the pottery, the five star pottery comes in. What the, climb, everyone's climbing. You're always on about climbing. You don't make friends at climbing, no that'd be weird. You make enemies. They're always out there bugging you. You're not there to make friends, mate.

You're made to make fucking progress. If he'd written anything, I'm looking anything, I'm looking to make some enemies. If you turn up to climb and go, would you like to climb with me? You get kicked out. What about abseiling? Because there's an element of like- Literally kicked off, like off the climbing wall.

Get off the wall. Carl, on the fucking kid's wall. Get the fuck off. Now we need another five-a-side party, it'd be good. Join a walking group. There's walking groups as well now, isn't there? need another five-a-side party. It'd be good. Join a walking group. There's walking groups as well now, isn't there? Oh, five-a-side. All right.

You've changed, mate. I'm not an old woman. Walking. Aplique. Haberdashery. Yeah. Parkour. Oh, parkour would be great.

That looks great. No, no. Again, though, are you getting much time to meet people or are you just leaping up and down buildings? It's just a fast moving goth. I'm not having it. Oh, look at that fucking wall. Ha!

Shut up. Fast moving goth. Rollerblading. Five-a-side rollerblading with knives. Joe, try all of these in the same week. Basically, Joe- What a week. We agree it should be five-a-side something. Yeah, yeah, we agree it should be five or so something.

Yeah. Five-a-side parkour. That would be a great week, you're right. Join your local darts team at the local pub. That is actually a good idea. That's a good one, is it? Yeah. Take Pam.

Hang on, he's 25, he's all in anxiety, you want him to go and join the darts team. I'll tell you what, he's gonna feel anxious, he's just aging by four years. He's 21. He's a young lad, he's 21. You're getting eaten alive in the darts club? I agree, Adam.

He should do all of these like, consecutive nights and then someone should film it. Maybe he's got too many mates. Yeah. Or,

listen, just throwing it out there, go to a gay club. You'll make friends. 21-year-old lad. Bum friends. Wow, nice and subtle there.

Thanks for that. There is... Go to a gay club to make friends as a 21-year-old straight man. Yeah, it was silly, wasn't it? it was silly wasn't it do you know what that was silly i shouldn't have said that i was saying it to just be stupid but you're right adam because this is the most serious podcast i'm done can i stop you there are there five aside oh yeah i go five a side gays clubs easy there's a chaotic quiz

once a month at the shipping forecast where you make many friends yeah come to our quiz that is always sold out you can always make

friends at the comedians club Chester on September 24th I hear Finn Taylor Nick Doody and Vittorio Angeloni are looking to make

friends come to our quiz have a word shall we do some have a words and then let Mark Watson go and do a tour yes it's time to have a word Shall we do some have a words And then let Mark Watson Go and do a tour Yes

It's time to have a word With Adam and Dan Which one am I choosing Cause I fucking can This one's quite good From a woman called Tash Let's read it with our face Alright the boys

Can you have a word with my fella Cause he's being a fucking jealous cunt About a mate who's a lad I've had since I was in college. We've been mates for nearly 10 years. Never had anything happen. Would never want it to. It'd be like necking my fucking brother.

Been seeing my fella for 18 months and he's honestly a bit of a jealous type, which I can be as well, so I'm not that arsed. But not about my fucking mate of 10 years. He reckons men and women can't be actual friends and it's bollocks and he's about my fucking mate of 10 years he reckons men and women can't be actual friends and it's bollocks and he's doing my head in have a word lads love you lovely love you lot loads from tash projecting what he means is that he wouldn't trust himself around ladies so he doesn't trust his girlfriend around men he's projecting fuck him off next

on you go what do you think, Mark? I'm not following that. My favorite bit was the way he went, projecting, projecting. Where's he getting that from? He's only getting that from his own actions unless it's happened to him before. Yeah, jealous people in relationships

often put their own insecurities about themselves onto their partner and then expect that- Sorry, can you sing it first, Adam? Like you did. Jealous people! Closer each day. It's interesting though that Tash said

she can be jealous as well. Yeah, she even said I'm not that arsed so it doesn't seem like an urgent problem. But it's obviously, there is exceptions

to the jealousy. Like, if you've been mates with someone for 10 years and they were your best mate, you can't then meet then You can't meet someone And have them go

Who's this You're like He predates you mate By a long way I think that's Yeah it's Laura the jealous type So I've got quite a lot Of female friends

Yeah And Laura And you fuck them all Don't you What All the time You fuck all That's the opposite

Of what I do Adam I'm not quite as sexual as you You've banged everyone you banged laura which i just like to live with she needed to meet them first yeah understandably then yeah so i i've got i've got some really close female friends but she just laura was like oh okay fine and then met them and saw the dynamic yeah and went oh i get it yeah but yeah before that she was a little bit like i've got three a named female friend that's like a mystery figure is always going to be it wasn't yeah yeah was single as well yeah yeah two of my other best mates have they're married i agree it's just that you can't be friends oh it's what he what he what he means is i am not friends with any women

so it's not fair so what he's saying is yeah the secret you wouldn't be yeah the secret tell on this is the only interest i have in women is women i want to fuck so that means beyond that i'm not interested in so yeah it's it's a very fine i'm a female friend. Oh, he sounds like- Yeah. Go on Friends Reunited. Find someone who's struggling to be reunited with people. And be like, well, you have to John. This is John.

And go on Friends Reunited. Can you intercept the system on that? I'm looking for him, but- No, no, no. No, I think the jealous boyfriend needs to go to a pottery class. Five-a-side pottery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he say?

A real drawing class. Links the last two together. Life drawing. For sure. We've got two of the 10 boys for pottery now, so get them a WhatsApp group and off we go.

A pottery team on the go. Yeah. Oh, poor 21-year-old Tom. My girlfriend's at university. My girlfriend's trying to fuck everyone. Angry, angry first meet-up. Get him a female friend.

Go on Friends Reunited as him. Set up a fake profile. Message women and say, we went to school together. First, first. We'll leave, yeah? Friends Reunited at the age of 21. as him sets up a fake profile message women and say we went to school to get there the first person to believe yeah friends reunited

at the age of 21 in the age of social media and also in this where have all my friends gone I do feel like you've got a lot of faith in friends reunited here Adam yeah

is it still going half of them are dead they're all on twitter all of them having a reunion four years after school. Where have you got to? Yeah, look at that.

If you Google Friends Reunited, Wikipedia comes up. It's shut down. It's gone. Friends Reunited, the first hit is a Wikipedia page about what it used to be. Oh, what do you use now? There must be a replacement. Maybe because of Facebook and like you say,

because social media. Yeah. Oh, it's called Mates Back Together now. How is it? Check it. It's called mates back together now. How is it? It's the rest of the internet. Don't check it. Don't check it. I didn't.

I didn't do anything you were about to say. All right, I think I used to know you. Have you been killed in year nine? The Welsh version of friends reunited. Oi. By the way, Mark, lots of murderers went to our schools. Right, right. I'm starting to get that.

There was five murderers in mine and Carl's year. Five murderers in your year? Five convicted murderers. Year. That's unbelievable. Yeah. It's a good one, isn't it? I don't know if it's good, exactly.

No, you don't know. It's the world record. It's got to be up there. If you could get a list of the most murder-affiliated schools, it's got to be high. Yeah. Five in a year. But it wasn't a bad school. Not murder-filled schools, it's gotta be high. Yeah. Five in a year.

But it wasn't a bad school. Not so bad school. Was it a freak year or were you regularly producing top level murderers? A freak year. Cause that wasn't a top academy. I don't think we know that for sure. They were in top set for murdering.

So. Yeah, they were streamed. They were only set. As far as our Duke of Edinburgh award was made. That's amazing. Only five of us passed. Sometimes you get these schools that produce a lot of like top level sports

people but you don't often hear of murderers we are top level we were a specialist sports college Steven Gerrard went to our school we don't mention it

David Nugent the footballer as well David Price the boxer thank god they all made it otherwise there'd be more dead bodies

our school produced interesting people your school produced sports people murderers and podcasters ultimately yeah that's

was there any connection between the five of them as well or just it was one attack right no but they all they all

weirdly they all met at pottery yeah yeah five-a-side murder five-a-side murder yeah I'm aching all over I went to that

five-a-side murder thing last night we're all getting done together yeah yeah at least we're mates now though that was like since school like

how long have we been after school 14 years it's just been incrementally like oh there's another one that's amazing yeah

like we had one in my year and he wasn't he was not in even found guilty it was do you remember that years ago

there was a fellow he was on the news it was a big one his wife died on honeymoon in South Africa yeah Sri Andwani his name was wasn't he? He was not in the end even found guilty. It was, do you remember that years ago there was a fellow, he was on the news, it was a big one. His wife died on honeymoon in South Africa. Yeah. Shreya Ndwani his name was. Ah, yeah.

And then it was, he was in my year and he was eventually found not guilty but it's one of these ones where it's impossible to sort of know. Yeah, a lot of people

probably shouldn't pass comment on this illegally. No, I heard he definitely did it. Fine, okay. Well, that's kind of your not mine yeah so yeah it's my my opinion allegedly that he definitely did it allegedly your opinion allegedly it's my opinion that this fellow definitely your alleged opinion it was about 15 years after we left school again and the incredible thing was this like this intricate complicated case that happened. This is Africa. No one knew anything about it really

but everyone had been at the school was like either, yeah, I can imagine him doing it or it made you worry about juries and stuff because none of us knew

fuck all but everyone had an opinion. Everyone was pitching in. Have you ever done jury duty? No, I always think it would be quite fun but then you think about

what it would do to your diary. It would come at a time when you had like six weeks of stuff in. Oh, I want a multiple murder that gets boxed off in about four working days. That's the, it's not going to happen, is it? You're looking for a quickie. The juicy ones, this blue cheer will wear off.

They last for fucking months. I can't. Can you tell me then, is it compulsory? Like, isn't it? You have to have a good reason. So like where? You can't be like, oh, I broke my arm. Don't worry about me.

I get excused. Would you say I've got tour dates in, or, like, would they not? I would bash three blue chews, turn up no pants, I'd be off that jury real quick. Yeah, I want to do it. It's a bit like the planting cocaine thing. There's probably ways you could get off a jury quite quickly.

Yeah. Plant cocaine on the judge, and the whole thing will get thrown out? Yeah. Or just in the first 10 minutes, yell, guilty! Turn up next! Turn up in the full kit of your...

Yeah, yeah. And immediately, he's done it, him. He's done it! Shout, wanker, wanker! What are we even listening to anything else for? He's done it! That would get you on.

There's a load of ways I think a couple of those and you'd probably sorry sorry your honour no sorry no I'll listen to this for some people

it's the opposite it'd be a dream to have a multi-week one wouldn't it like if you if you hated your job yeah now I'd love like a

fucking two year long trial where there's fucking you know when it like it's eventually going to be on Netflix you realise you can't go on your phone at one way any country's talking about where's that bullshit when you're away in the hotel you have no contact i don't what do you think that's the point isn't it you're quite my mum did you i do a bit of stand-up about this my mum is really

chatty and she would always be like can't tell you anything about it you know you're under oath exactly then she'd tell she would tell you that she'd be like oh you're never gonna meet him anyway because he's from sunderland i think that's part of the oath to be fair you're not gonna meet him because he's from sunderland and he's going 25 to life now actually well if i did that don't tell us anymore please it's like she was she loved the idea of being under oath but she someone like my mum can't easily keep to the terms you do a really good job on Jodie Jousey do you get to go back my mum's done it twice

is it like oh he was a good Jodie let's get him back every week isn't it it's meant to be random yeah but she's done it twice within like the space

of 15 years as well I think it's on your job as well oh I'm a hon it's interesting boys all we ever need to do is send them one

patron exclusive episode. Could you watch eight minutes of this episode and we will be excused from any jury. And then consider whether we are fit for jury duty,

yeah. I want to do it. Right. I think it'd be great. I've sat in a court case and I loved it. Such a mad environment to be in

that we're not used to. It would be an experience, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it's not somewhere. It's got to be a juicy, like,

maid. Yeah, you don't want Like fucking fraud Or something Oh you did rob The fucking tenner You want like a

Four car pile up car crash Like someone intentionally Caused It is true Oh you robbed a tenner Fraudster That's the thing It's a real

It's a real mixed bag Imagine if the case Gets read out And you're like Oh for fuck's sake No when you're Sat there going Murder murder Yeah you're hoping For murder, for fuck's sake. No, when you're sat there, you go, murder, murder.

Yeah, you're hoping for murder and then... All right, lads, I haven't seen you since school. It's good to see you. You'd not find out until you're in court, would you?

Any details, you'd be going in blind. So there must be a disappointment must go through the jury. They open an envelope in front of the jury and they're like,

and you've got... Tax evasion! Oh, you'd be gutted. It's picked on you demographic, isn't it? No, they give you three envelopes to pick, and you pick one, and whatever they pull out, they bring that case in.

No, they've changed it. What do you mean? Picked on your demographic? Yeah, so it's like a rape case or something. They'll obviously, they'll change the demographic of the jury. Are you sure? Yeah.

Of course they will. How does that work? The jury's picked, isn't it? It's not just random. They've got loads of jurors in a room. It's selected by the defence and the prosecution, isn't it? They pick one each, got loads of jorys in the room it's selected by the defense and the prosecution hang on hang on it's like captains what's it called what's the what's the for joie de joie de what is it i know you mean yeah guardia yeah jory selection

wendier plays for honestly sounds like you're trying to say jordan shakiri no it's the first bit's random and then they select it. Yeah, no, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of the pool of Jorahs in the court at that point. Yeah, they whittle them down. And certain Jorahs act certain ways to either get picked or...

You're gone. I'm gone. I'm there in a Watford kit with Sander Vestervoel printed on the back like... I've never considered that, but yeah, obviously, so you can get that close and still not actually get on.

Oh, yeah. Imagine if you got picked and you went, yes! Fucking get in! They'd send you home again. No, so it was Jordan COVID, so we can't sit you all in the building, so we'll call you if you're on a case. Like the X Factor or something where they tell you.

Yeah, but you had two weeks off work and they were like, oh, we didn't call you, you're fine. So if you got Jordan duty at home and didn't do anything because of COVID. On Zoom. Essentially. They weren't the same, though, those court cases. No, behind closed doors. Yeah, there was no atmosphere. There was the same though those court cases no behind closed doors yeah there was no atmosphere it ruined it really didn't it you couldn't hear the guilt yeah should go and sit on a court case

so i said the cases without fans and nothing yeah i sat in on a murder trial uh quite an infamous one and uh yeah as long as you're not allowed to take any recording devices in you can take a pen and paper then you can't just show a recording device though. Me head. What? You can just, like, on a given day, you can just show up like... That's interesting. No videos, Adam.

But you go in and you say to the person... You're not even a fucking judge. So they search you and you go in and you go, can I have today's thingy? And they tell you what all the cases are. Right. And what court, at what time. And you go up and the fella at the, like, controls,

it can be like, no, fuck off if he thinks you're a vagrant. Right, yeah. But if you wandered in, you can up and the fella at the controls can be like no fuck off if he thinks you're a vagrant but if you wandered in you can sit and watch is this when you were studying journalism when I was studying journalism yeah to go and watch

some murder cases it was great I loved it it was like such an interesting environment you only see it on the telly to be sat there

I was like wow do you reckon there's people that go a lot that are like fans yeah definitely oh season ticket holders yeah yeah I missed last Wednesday

but I'm back on 100% there will be you know if you're like take the little pat lunch Oh, season ticket holders. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I missed it. That's Wednesday, but I'm back on. That was a good one. 100% there will be, you know, if you're like... There will be. Take the little packed lunch, have a sandwich. It's a murder barrel. I know. Get your arms going, don't you? It's like an away end.

Yeah. He's good again! Yeah, we did it again. Oh, shit! Yeah. Judge, judge, judge. Wank, wank, wank. That's it.

You don't know what you're doing! Yeah. You get removed for that. I think that's a pod. Everyone happy with the pod? Wonderful. Come and see us at the arena, ladies and gents.

Last few tickets really, innit? Yeah, about 300 left. We've got a huge meeting this week to design the show. Imagine missing out on that. Oh,

I get it late, I get it late, I get it late. Just get it now. Get it, go and get it right now. It's cheap and boss. Pogo sticks. Ishan Akbar. Yeah. Just made that up, but it it late. I get it late. I get it late. Just get it now. Get it. Go and get it right now. It's cheap and boss. Pogo sticks.

Ishan Akbar. Yeah. Just made that up, but it could happen. Mark, you're on tour. Yeah. MarkWatsonComedian. I think it's

MarkWatsonTheComedian.com. Okay. And that is because someone who's, I said this in the interval, but there's someone who collects stick insects and he already had a Mark Watson website. Yeah. Don't buy tickets to that live.

It's not going to be. It's a lot slower as a live experience. People used to occasionally send me queries about the care of sticking sex, and I'd normally just have a guess. You've killed so many. Yeah, yeah. Many died.

But yeah, markwatsonthecomedian.com. Thanks so much for coming in, mate. That's been really fun. Appreciate it. Yeah, and obviously good luck with whatever you use this building for, Adam. Sex. See you, lads.

Shall we do a song? Got a song? No, don't want to do it. Yeah, cool. This week, it's a band called Static, their debut single with Moscow.

Oh my God. My mate used to be in, my mate used to be in that band. He's left now. He's really happy about it. He's ex-static. Is there a bell or anything for that or do you just have to deal with that?

Order! Order! Is there a bell or anything for that Or do you just have to deal with that Order Order Thank you. standing. They send in brave men to do their dirty work. They're unaware responsibilities are shirked. Their heads in the clouds, our feet are on the ground. They live their life as life, but we all get dragged down. Moscow, we're here to stay. Look at them wrong and they drag you away. Moscow, they don't like to play in Moscow Sheltered masses blindly led Fall in line or off with their heads We're all equal so they propose

But their actions are quite juxtaposed Is it just me who can see Just how relentless the media can be The world is turning faster than before We're so far back

that we're out the door Moscow, we're here to stay Look at them wrong and they drag you away Moscow, they don't like to play in Moscow Moscow, say nothing's wrong Stay in your bubble and you'll get along Moscow, pretend nothing's wrong with Moscow We'll see you next time. Moscow, we're here to stay Look at them wrong and they drag you away

Moscow, they don't like to play Moscow Moscow, say nothing's wrong Like to play in Moscow Moscow Say nothing's wrong Say and you're bumbling You'll get along Moscow Say nothing's wrong

With Moscow