Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #192 with Helen Bauer - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me uh any just public listeners will not I mean you won't know

but Carl missed a Patreon episode but he's back Carl's back well done for surviving the bum flu I had AIDS for two days it's much quicker two day AIDS

two day AIDS two day AIDS 48 hour virus yeah i got it off i'm not shaking my keys yeah whoa i've read about that you're bleeding out your arsehole banana banana okay right well it's great to see you back thanks a lot of people lose weight when they have aids i've put it on yeah yeah there's only two days you back. Thanks. A lot of people lose weight when they have AIDS. I've put it on. Yeah. There's only two days. You're all looking fat today. Yeah. Two-day AIDS.

PH and FAT. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fat booty and a fat neck. It's a song, isn't it? Fat booty. What I had was, or might still have, is tonsillitis. But it's, I've got no symptoms. Wow.

None. None whatsoever. We've is tonsillitis but it's i've got no symptoms wow none whatsoever that's like to me what are you i think you might have had a sore throat but no i think it's i think it's uh aids-based tonsillitis i've got a feeling it's either that or ebola throat ebola tonsillitis i had grade two protracted tonsils in my neck grade two yeah it goes up to five. Oh, shit. You could have been in India today. I could have, yeah. I was waiting for the call back from the doctor. I rang the doctor's up and went,

hello, you haven't called me yet. Hello. She went, yeah, we've called you twice. I went, you haven't? Because I'm calling you now. And she went, yeah, we've called you twice. I went, what number? And she went, oh, it's this number.

That's not my real number. That's not my real number. That's not my real number. That's my fake one that i gave you so what are you calling that 111 said what's your mobile number we passed it on to the doctor and she went oh we didn't call her and i went okay can the doctor call me back now hang on hang on what did they call though my old mobile number oh right they just had one on record they didn't just like you're not giving out yeah carl's so worried about the success of Have A Word that he's given out fake numbers to GPs

don't trust you don't know you can't see you're not face to face GPs are just like what would his number be like he's got blue eyes that's 074

is it really so I just can't say I'm a £5 patron she went can you call me back now and she went no I don't know

she only tried to call you twice no he hasn't he hasn't I to call you twice no he hasn't he hasn't I haven't missed two calls you haven't called me she went I'll have a go in her defence call

the NHS is understaffed underfunded and overworked and the fact that you've changed numbers and failed to update your GP records I'd update it

on the phone with 111 no that's not that's not updating your GP records you gave it to him but when you changed numbers you should have contacted your local GP surgery and amended your details I'd updated it on the phone with 111. No, that's not updating your GP records. You gave it to him. But when you changed the number, you should have contacted your local GP surgery and amended your details.

Sounds like you, though. That sounds like Adam advice. You paid the bridge yet? Yeah. I'm on it. Who's changing numbers? No, this was genuinely maybe eight or nine years ago. Nine or eight years ago.

I was either 25 or 24. All right, okay. Years and years ago, but I haven't been to doctors since. I've had a full bill of health. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, two day AIDS. But then he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it sounds like this.

I went, you haven't seen it? He went, yeah, it sounds like this. Come back to me in a week. I was like, right. You want me to take some bloods off you? I was like, that sounds not nice. He went, yeah, it sounds like this. Come back to me in a week. I was like, right. You want me to take some bloods off you? I was like, that sounds not nice. He went,

yeah, you'll be fine. So I was like, when did you last have blood taken? I've never had blood taken. Oh, see, so having blood taken for me

and I was like having a fucking piss. Like, it's just not, it's not important. Do you know what I mean? If someone takes blood out of my body, it's not that weird a day. Six times a day

and sometimes it stinks. Maybe when I was a kid, but. All they do is, they put a fucking needle in your arm and they just leak you out. It's not that weird a day. Six times a day and sometimes it stinks. Maybe when I was a kid, but... All they do is they put a fucking needle in your arm and they just leak you out.

You just sit there like bleeding out and they try and catch as much of it as possible. Oh no. Where are you getting... What? Adam gets stabbed in the GP.

They just take a Stanley knife and cut your arm open. They put a bucket under it and you just come close to passing out and just as you're about to close they put a finger on it and you just wake back to passing out and just as you are supposed to close they put a thing on it and you just wake back up yeah they get you by your feet tie you up put you on a chain pull you up cut your throat bleed you out which is halal which is great

i'm not doing that yeah yeah or do you just have a little pin brick and then they take some blood that's on boopada oh really is it when did you last have blood taken i honestly i'm not i'm not great with exactly so you haven't been there for a while have you ever given blood apparently it's quite good for you fucking taking it is it platelets is the one is like the level beyond that long dave longley comedian friend of ours friend of ours who's a bit of a lunatic he gives platelets and apparently them regenerating your body it quite, yeah, little mini plates. It's quite good for you. Does it work like that?

Now, this sounds thick, but if you get rid of a bit of, is it like changing the oil in a car? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. So the blood gets remade. You're meant to have fresh blood all the time,

but we don't really bleed enough, do we? That's why women are so much healthier than us. You're going to gurgle blood cells in a minute. Yeah. I don't want it. This is all facts. So you've been bled out, nearly. No, he said, I'll take bloods in a week.

I was like, well, that doesn't sound... Mate, that's quite quick for the NHS, by the way. So I know you're bitching, but I know they're ringing the wrong number, which is kind of your fault for changing numbers like no one does. But actually, a week's response is not bad on the NHS. We said, call me back in a week and my head's falling off we haven't got anything

until March next year but I was like that isn't good enough to put me mind at ease so I went to the walk-in and like hunkered down for a night hunkered down?

so when you're like I'm going to be here for the long haul hunkered? hunkered oh I thought you said I hunkered down for a night

I hunkered down hang on why am I even accepted a hunkered? I sucked off everyone at the walk-in do you know the word hunkered? no that's on you hunked it down hang on why am I even accepted hunkered I sucked off everyone at the walk you know the word hunkered no

that's on you hunkered down yeah I've never done it before so I was like oh I'm going to be here for the long haul and I was there

for an hour and ten minutes in and out triaged and seen I was like wonderful and you've not even been ill that's the exciting thing you've gone through all of this

and you've got no symptoms and all you're being is a massive fanny got a bit of fatigue what got a bit of fatigue are What? A bit of fatigue. Are you just... I did a big shop yesterday and it took it out of me. Right.

Carl, have you taken a day off work because you're still hungover from Thursday? Is that what happened? No. It feels like... That's definitely what it was. You just couldn't be arsed. I couldn't be arsed. I missed the quiz as well.

Yeah. A FOMO was bad. That's what it was. You had two things to do in one day and you can't handle it because you're a lazy cunt. That sounds like you. Excuse me. I work very hard just because I don't fucking

produce these episodes anymore, which I did in the first place, by the way, Sonny Jim. Like, I am a busy man. I get shit done. You're thinking Ribena. It's blackcurrants and soda water.

It's your blood. We've just taken it while you weren't watching. There's nothing wrong with you and there wasn't on Monday the doctor didn't say it like that

yeah but he hasn't even seen you I've seen you I've looked at your eyes and I can see the fucking lies and deceit

because the doctor's ringing fucking dominoes trying to get through to you that's an 015 on number Dan silly shot me down there Carl

thanks for that but I said to the nurse, I was like, she was doing me blood pressure. I was like, I'll get a bit anxious in places like this. It might be raised for that.

And she went, anxious, yeah? And then she went, I've been here for, looked at the clock and went, 14 hours. And I was like, okay,

I'm not going to complain. She was there. Yeah. No, that's her being a fucking cunt. What's that got to do with you getting anxious? I mean,

I didn't say that to her, but. Well, that's her being a fucking cunt, that. What's that got to do with you getting anxious? I mean, I didn't say that to her, but... Well, you should have. What's her shift? Like, you fucking run the NHS. You don't? It's not your fault she's been there 14 hours. If you're anxious, you're anxious. It's partly his fault,

because he's not ill and he's going to the walk-in. No, look, let's be honest. We were all worried there for a minute that he might have, like, throat bum aids or... Throat bum aids. Throat cancer or something. It's going wrong. I buried him in

the head i made me peace with it we were all worried about him fact so i'm glad he went and he's he's he pays his taxes i think so he's got every right to go to the nhs and be like have a look at my neck love is it all right sound air whinging about it i understand but she's going to the wrong person there isn't she he doesn't vote tory he didn't I understand, but she's going to the wrong person there, isn't she? He doesn't vote Tory. He didn't vote the men, but she did. Yeah. Fricking nurses are always voting Tory. Famously.

Famously. If you work for the NHS, you're like, ah, I keep voting for them. But what's your anxiety got to do with their being tired? Yeah, she's whinging.

She's had a hard day. I need to take you to a walk-in more as a hype man. Shut up, bitch. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, I feel less anxious now. I'm shouting at all the staff.

I'm abusing everyone in the walk-in. I'm very nice with all the doctors and nurses as long as they earn it. It's the same as tipping. Yeah, you are quite a good tipper. Particularly on the business card. You get very generous. I'm actually more generous on my own card. I just can't spend your money. I got that food before, I don't worry about it.

How much, what percent do you normally put on? They were talking about this on Flagrant last week. Well, it used on my own card I just can't spend your money I got that food before I don't worry about it how much what percent do you normally put on they were talking about this on flagrant last week well it used to be 10% wasn't it 10% felt like the standard

yeah it matters how much you spend no I think 10 like 10% that's the whole point of using percentages no it doesn't

I reckon if you spent like a grand then you give them only 100 quid no I still but that's the thing with percentages it still works really well doesn't it I think you give them a bit more we just give, but that's the thing with percentages. It still works really well, doesn't it?

I think you give them a bit more. We just give them. Like, that wasn't 10%. I do 60%. There we go. He's £1.60. That's the end of the business card. No, I think 10%,

and if they've been exceptional, you stick a bit more on as well. It can be 20%, can't it? Because I've worked in hospitality, I go 20% is a norm. If you're putting a 60% tip down, you are trying to get laid too hard, aren't you? What does Joe Rogan do?

He just leaves $1,000 and is like, that's what I want to get this to. I want to be tipping a grand. 20% sound. 30% is like exceptional service. I'd tip like 30% in a Michelin star, maybe. What? In a Michelin star maybe what in a michelin star restaurant you take more yeah so the more you've spent the more you tip that's literally

what i've just said no but it's all really 20 standard for me you know 20 years they've done their job and i haven't fucked it up less is like they fucked it up more is like what not everyone the way you brought me that salmon no people don't have to feel good if you're not a 20 tipper he's fucking minted that's it's easy when you're fucking if you're doing all right 20 it's generous isn't it if you're if you're on minimum wage you're tipping 10 that's fine isn't it no one's like you tight twat you tip 10 10 sound in it yeah of course it is right okay cool 20 right yeah that's good that's generous as somebody's working hospitality and no hardy. 20% is right. Yeah, that's generous. As someone who's working in hospitality, I know how hard you work. 20% just feels right to me, that's all.

I was 20% when I worked in bars and had no money. I'm a holiday for two in Cancun. That's me. I just leave it. I'm just like there. Get the tickets already. Yeah, I'm a Hyundai. There's the keys. Guess what? It's already taxed. Because the fries were very fresh.

There you go. What about insurance? Fuck's sake. Exceptional service deserves exceptional tipping. That's what I'm saying. Well, new merch is available. What's up, bro? Exceptional service.

What is an exceptional tip? 60%. I think you'd honestly look like a stalker if you tried to do it. No. 30 is like, that was great. 20 is normal. 10 is you fucked up, bitch. So what?

10% if you fucked up? Yeah. No. No tip is if you fucked up. No, if you've badly fucked up. Oh, right. So you're not giving your team a big fat slap. If they got a couple of things wrong,

but they sorted it, then you cut it down a little bit because it's for service. But if they throw your fucking dinner at you, they're not getting a tip for that. Fucking hell. Get Rachel from Countdown every time he goes for a fucking meal.

Well, we're at 16. What we say now, Adam, we're down to 12 and I'll have two vowels and a consonant. What are you on about? I agree. Have you seen Countdown? To get no tip,

you have to have been rude. Yeah. You have to have spat at my mother if you're racist that takes some research doesn't it I should have known this was I should have known this was going to be a 0% tip when we went to the crematorium

fucking hell yeah it's no tip you've done something wrong yeah absolutely but 10% he's saying 10% you've done something wrong. Yeah, absolutely. But 10%, you can do it. He's saying 10% you've done something wrong, but here you are. Yeah.

Oh, fucking, oh, Papa Rosen. If you're tired and you're like, oh, yeah. If you drop something, you're not going to not tip them. But if they threw something at you. Yeah. If a weight just punches my head in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just telling you, love, you're down to 4%.

Luckily, you only knocked out 2 teeth Otherwise you'd be down to 2% But I always tip I mean I will be charging you for grievous bodily harm But I'll still fucking tip Grievous Jimmy grieves Said it wrong

Tipping is important I love not tipping I love not tipping Yeah if they're fucking knobheads, they're not getting tipped. Fuck off. Yeah, if they're knobheads. No, if they're rude,

if they're shit at the job, kiss my ass. Kiss my ass. I'm not tipping. I don't just tip. What constitutes bad at the job? Being slow. Imagine I'm a waiter.

Getting the order wrong, being slow. Like what type of slow? Here you're right. I'll give him loads of money. Yeah. He needs it. Loads of money. Like what type of slow? Hear your fright. I'll give him loads of money. Yeah. He needs it. Loads of money.

Just being shit. Being a bit off. Being a bit slow. I hate when you're trying to catch people's attention. If you ever click at a waitress or a waiter in my presence, I will end the podcast. Yeah. If you ever go, like, Paolo De Canio.

I will bitch slap you. Would you? Yeah. I'm just counting out his percentage tip. I'm going to have 70% tip now just to make up for you

clicking. You can't click at a member of hospitality staff. You also can't tip a bartender below 50p. No you can't.

That wasn't like a non-give. If you give me a 5p coin it's going back in your face. You really wanted to work at St. Teresa's Social Club In 1998 No

Where I got tipped 10 pence Inflation And your own was I think 10 pence Inflation So by the time me and Carl Started going out

No it was just old men They literally Give you 12p Take your own in a pub Was 20p Oh in a pub yeah Or 50p Depending on the size of the round

In town It was a quid It's a quid yeah You say take your own I'm taking a quid of the round in town it was a quid it's a quid yeah you say take your own I'm taking a quid if it's a big round I'm taking 12 it's 20 quid and above

like it works on a it's like gazing your car doesn't it 20 miles an hour two pound and if I made the cocktail and it's good it might not be a quid

if I did a big round of cocktails I would often just add a fiver on and be like I've earned that yeah I'd also I'd steal as well yeah that was good as well that was a fiver on. Be like, I've earned that. Yeah, also, I'd steal as well.

That was good as well. That was a great tipping when I was like, listen, I'll tell you what, you've paid. You've got your beer. These are cunts. I don't really like it here. I'm just going to put all this money in my pocket. That was great.

They were the great kind of tip. No, like. Well, if you give me a 5p coin, you're getting it in the face with it. I just flick it. Oh, sorry, that was trash. Take it with you. Ben's over there.

That was trash. Next. Yeah. That's rude. Give him some. Oh, you can keep that. Yeah, copper. Keep the change.

It's 10p. Copper. You shout that in this bar again. I will kick you. Copper. Well, keep the change is a bit less offensive if it's... No, because they're trying to whack Billy Big Bollocks when they know it's 4p.

No, shout and keep the change if it's less than 50p should be punishable by death. Shouting. You know, as they're walking away going, keep the change, lad. Oh, I thought you meant like, keep the change! No, that is, that's frowned upon.

Announce them to the bar that you've let the bars under keep the change and it's less than 50p. You should go to prison for at least three years and I think arguably death row. You gavel. Oh shit,

that one's got a bounce on it. He's taping down. Oh, loud. I haven't taped it down yet. All right, fair enough. Yeah. I think you can't leave coppers on a tip tray.

I'd lose me job. Do you know what? That looks... I'd leave any copper on a tip tray if he fucking tries to speak to me. There't leave coppers on a tip tray. I'd lose my job. Do you know what? I'd leave any copper on a tip tray if he fucking tried to speak to me. There'd be coppers coming through the door, mate. Wow. Excuse me, sir. You've tipped so big,

there's now a police investigation. When I needed me gun, you made me throw me gun away. Could you just sit there clicking it like a spaz? Can't say that. Surely not. What? Can't say that. Can't say that. not what can't say that

can't say that well happy birthday Steve is what we were trying to say happy birthday mate Steve's birthday today 30 happy birthday kid what are you doing for your birthday

why don't we have a party can we have Steve on the mic please ladies and gents birthday Steve on the mic he's now old as fuck so this does sound old I'm actually just going to go home and see my family

oh wow he's got a family for his 30 going for a'm actually just going to go home and see my family. Oh, wow. He's got a family for his thing. Going for a meal on Sunday. Going to Hickory's, West Kirby. Nice. Oh, where we did the Super Bowl. Yeah.

That's a nice birthday shout. What time are we getting there? Whenever you want. I think we're getting there for 9am. Just a... Hang on. Hang on, Steve. It's not even opening time. Bloody hell.

Imagine the tip. If anyone's free, go for a bevy this weekend. Yeah. Come on. Nice. Sati? Sati?

Should we go out with Steve on Sati? What are you doing, Carl? He's doing cocaine. What are you doing? This is why he was off. He's got a coke habit. Oh, no. Not another. I'll just do that. I'll got a coke habit. Oh, no. Not another.

I'll just do that. I'll do it like this. Headset caught on the wheel. Carl, you literally disappeared from view and then rubbed your nose. It was the most... You went... This chair's fucking...

This chair's broken, but it is great. Oh, yeah. We're going out for Steve's birthday on Saturday. Yeah, it's cool. I'm out in Liverpool Saturday. I'll meet you. Yeah, 9am.

Hickory's Smokehouse. Yeah. Wonderful. Yes. I'm going to March, but after that. Bring £1,000 because you cunts are tipping. All right? You need £1,000 for tipping with Adam Rowe.

I reckon because there's four of us. Because there's four of us going out, I reckon that's a nice under-business card, I think. I'll be in Colwyn Bay. Invalidating the business transactions. We'll go to Colwyn Bay. Oh, let's go to Colwyn Bay for sneeze, baby. Can we come?

Why? There's a Hickory's. In Colwyn Bay? Yeah, there is. Rose on C. Listen, if you're trying to tell me Rose-on-Sea is not Colwyn Bay what isn't it Ros-on-Sea

right it's so you can walk from the middle of Colwyn Bay to the middle of Ros-on-Sea in 18 minutes it's in France there's nothing in between

yeah it's the same place okay yeah it is I'm always falling out with the people of Wales at the moment but the amount of arguments you have about Ros-on- roast on sea imagine walking

18 minutes to Liverpool going to a different place completely you can do that anywhere in Wales you walk 10 minutes there's always a border line though Dan

isn't there what happens if you stood next to the border yeah the old Colwyn Bay roast on sea border is it roast

I mean it's a hard border yeah it's a hard border is it a hard border that's militarised is it yeah it's like's a hard border yeah it's a hard border is it a hard border it's like north and south korea yeah it's just a mother of three called jillian in a garden don't even look over here in a south wales accent visa you don't you silly person all right okay well i'll be in colwyn bay having a fine time. Take a genuine question. If Wales had an independence vote, how would you vote?

How would I vote? Yeah. At the minute. Yeah. Let's leave because we've got a Labour government. Go on then. Fuck off. But it'd have to be weighed up. It'd be...

It's like... Do you know what I say to this? Build a wall! Build a wall! Build a wall! Carl Spistof because Finn is disrespecting the union. It's so stupid. Sean, on you go.

Evolution doesn't work for everyone, does it? Piss off. What about if Liverpool join this? Oh yeah, let's go. Yeah. If Scotland go, Liverpool are going with them. It's a fact. Do you want to be able Liverpool joined us? Oh yeah, let's go. Yeah. If Scotland go, Liverpool are going with them. It's a fact. Do you want to be able to stop us?

Adam's facts. Adam's facts. Tip hard. Service well, tip hard. What was it? You can't have devolution, mate. No, it's not going to happen. Just imagine having to drive to Liverpool for work and having to go through border control,olution, mate. No. It's not going to happen.

Just imagine having to drive to Liverpool for work and having to go through border control, weirdly, near my house. That'd be quite fun. You'd have to have a soft border. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I don't think we'd want one. Build a wall.

Fucking great. A hard border between England and Wales would be fantastic. Well, if they want independence. Keep them out. No, but if Scotland got independence, it wasn't going to have aottish military on the fucking just above carlisle was it it was just gonna be some fat twat going on you're like all right mate yeah i mean the border between northern ireland and ireland is

not particularly hard what happens is you're driving on a motorway, the signs change a little bit, and then you're in a different country. Yeah. You go from the European Union to out of the European Union, and all it's like, oh, they were green, and now they're blue.

That's it. I honestly thought there might be a bit more going on, but no one gives a fuck. Because they're an island, then you can't have any possible smuggling. Well, there's been a bit of fucking problems with this, you know,

because of the old Brexit scenario. That's the only reason there's a soft one. I think just common sense has to take over, doesn't it? You can't have a fucking border. Like, the people who live on that border, like, they nipped to the shops over the border, don't they? And then if they've got a business round there,

they'll have customers on either side of the border to make up a fucking... It's just a nightmare of a situation. However, if Wales want freedom, they can have it on either side of the border to make up a fuck. It's just a nightmare of a situation. However, if Wales want freedom, they can have it. You're on the border, aren't you, essentially? Oh, yeah. I'll give them the bricks. You're really trying to cause beef with the Welsh,

I've asked a couple of weeks. I don't know. It's just something to talk about. Speaking of things going from green to blue, or vice versa, do you know cheese and onion and salt and vinegar crisps? I can't press this. I can't press this hard enough.

Do you know they were never the other way round? But I remember them changing. Sorry. It's such a screech. I know what you mean, but I also know it's not true. It's also just different crisps, isn't it? Yeah, because green... Now, all walkers cheese and onion are blue. All Walker's salt and vinegar are...

Green. Are green. Yeah, but I'm saying you might have seen, like, Aldi's own that have the different colours. But they didn't know! I remember the... It was fucking front page news when they swapped it! I remember it!

Yeah, they're wrong as well, aren't they? Salt and vinegar's blue. In my head, all salt and vinegar should be blue. It needs to be called cheese and onion as well aren't they Salt and vinegar's blue In my head all salt and vinegar should be blue It used to be called cheese and owen as well Just temporarily So there's no prawn collie more Salt and vinegar There was no prawn collie more

I don't think there was actually no Wasn't there? Prawn collie more Prawn collie more was one David Seaman Tasted like cum Just salted wasn't there? Prunk Olimar! Prunk Olimar was one. David Seaman. Tasted like cum. Just salted.

Cum crisps. There's pussy crisps now. Someone sent us them. Yeah. You can get a bag of pussy. Crisps. Crisps. I wonder if they taste like that. Just to check. You know it's not a bag of pussisps Crisps I wonder if they taste nice though Just to check

You know it's not a bag of pussies Yeah yeah Okay cool Bag of pussy flavoured crisps Right yeah But you can't say bag of pussy Because that's a different thing That's what you'd say

I would be mass producing them though That's a busy woman Just one Just having a little rub On some Unsalted salt and shake crisps Damn That's what you'd say

Are they going to taste nice though. I do want to try them because I love the taste of pussy, but I can't imagine them on a savoury snack. But you're fine with it on a pudding? Learn that pussy pudding. Love that sweet pudding. You've had pussy fruit as well?

Strawberries? From before? You've had loads of pussy fruit. I actually think that's from In The Future in this episode. Is it? No, it's not. I've made a claim.

It's not. We absolutely need to start doing first and second sections. It's not in order. It's the Patreon. I'm not sure. Sneak, by the way. Oh. I found the bottle.

Yeah. Are you going to try the pussy crisps? Yeah. When in Rome. Eat pussy crisps. You're going to Rome? I'm going to Venice, actually. Just booked there. Right in Rome. Eat pussy crisps. You're going to Rome? You're going to Rome. I'm going to Venice, actually.

Just booked there. Right, cool. Just for the crisps? Just for the pussy crisps. Venice is great. Where are they made? Genuinely, what part of the world are they from? They're not walkers, are they?

Walkers haven't got a board. Are they literally called pussy crisps? Hang on. Look at the picture of that woman for the life insurance app. It's in the middle. And she looks so distressed? Because her husband's died.

Because her husband's died, yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Is that what people look like when they're grieving? Pussy crisps. Yeah, they're all good at pot world. Oh, they are called pussy. Chaz. Pussy flavour.

For adults only, they must contain real pussy. A unique taste for brave and free people after tasting it you'll remember your wildest love adventures your first real love and maybe even losing your oral virginity why are they only for adults because they must contain genuine like squirt they're uh they're they're not available yet it's like a kickstarter so they're they're just getting the product ready oh it's just a pipe dream oh it's a kickstarter i think oh right it says let us know and we'll tell you when it's available to be shipped oh get 10 bucks well just go up to the top what does it say at the top go up to the top it says

putes sconio. Oh, they're coming from Latvia or something. Latvian pussy is good. If you order these crisps, you've just got some like horrible boyfriend going,

come on Svetlana. We need to squat on the crisps. I can't. You can't be a part of it. She bit his tongue. Do you Latvian? I love Svetlana.

That's what you've just done I've got the pussy crisps Squirt on my potatoes Chop them up real nice Dutch Pinky Is that from before? It's from today Yeah, it's from the future

Well, there we go We'll get some in When they're available Great banter those aren't it the sex doll I've got the ha ha ha

I've got the imagine the absolute lad that takes those in the pub like bleh ha ha ha fucking great fun I bet he is

I'm not watching it's gonna be me I'm gonna turn up in pokes with a big bag of pussy yep cock lollipops and all that.

You into that? Hilarious. Yeah. It's shaped like a cock. I've been trying something for ages. They do some funny little gadgets, don't they? What? Gadgets?

You do? They've got fucking helicopter hats and all that. I fucking know. What sex toys have you used? I've used a whip. No. You've never used a whip you know never used a whip a whip full indiana jones no it's it's not like that is it it looks like a it looks like a a leather duster rather than a feather duster like it's got leather sort of tassels on it and you're like what right on your fucking butty old girl on the butthole do you know when Adam talks with such confidence and then it's like

it's clear he's never done it yeah a whip right on a girl's fucking bum hole because that's what they like and then they just cum loads

and they get crisps fucking hell girl we've got a kickstarter big bag already salted um spanking paddle spanking paddle

have you used that I didn't use that I am a what I haven't used that i didn't use that i am a what i haven't used that i have used the whip on a bum you said that we've got a good right a paddle though is that like a fly swatter what is it like it looks like a tesco how fucking budget is that is it look no is it similar shape uh it's like leather flat um padded it's no it's yeah a little bit it's got like padded? No, it's... Yeah, a little bit. It's got like a pad, like an old couch.

It's like a pancake flipper. Yeah. Right, yeah. It is. Apparently these lot, if you're into BDSM but you also don't have the money to buy the actual equipment,

just go round the house. Fucking I've got a fly swatter, you dirty bitch. I want to fly. Pa. And a warm night of BDSM and you've left meat out. Have you used handcuffs before?

Yes. Have you? Yeah. Why are you laughing? Because it's so stupid. Why is it stupid? Because I had one of the, I had handcuffs with the thing

that goes round the back of the bed. Oh yeah, I've had that. Yeah. Wow. Things we did then. If you've got no money, you can use an extension cord. Use a washing line. Yeah. Wow. Things we did then. If you've got no money, you can use an extension cord. Use a washing line.

Just in case. Just around the house, that'll do. You need two dollars. Oh, Sensei Carl's budget sex. I want to be tied up with- I want that made immediately.

I want to be tied up with a belt. Not your dad's belt. The least sexy thing ever i'm gonna put this around your neck handcuffs and tying up for fun though women love feeling powerless right yeah thank god you tie women up yeah and then he fucking whips them on the bum all yeah what me cock what how did you say it was i didn't necessarily say it was i mean it did work out that way but it could be the guy that gets tied up. Oh,

I've been tied up as well. I quite like feeling powerless. I'm negotiable when it comes to sexual deviance. Oh, you are ball gag first thing straight in. No,

I don't like, no, I don't want it. If you lost your, imagine you getting tied up and like losing your temper. Then your shoulder goes, oh,

that would be fucking amazing. You have to be careful with your shoulder. Fucking BDSM me Not that side That side to this phone I'm going to come in two seconds Yeah a little bit of that Have you used a Fuckmaster 3000?

The old Fuckmaster 3000 I've got a lawnmaster 3000 a lawnmower fuckmaster 3000 is like a it does it does do mulching that's a rapper from the 80s i'm thinking of mc hammer i think this is isn't this barry's tattoo there's a there's a fuckmaster pro 5000 that's what i meant that's the new one it's a blow-up though no i meant the fucking the cock yeah no he's used that as well that like fucks a woman for you a man no it's like a it's like a it's called a sibian is it a sibian it's in i've said this before it's in bern after reading yeah yeah but he means an electric one that does them looks like a little model of stevenson's rocket that someone's stuck a dildo on the end. Yeah.

Gas powered. Wand is good. Very powerful. We've discussed that before. Have you done handcuffs? Yeah. I prefer rope. Cool.

Yeah. I'd rather feel kidnapped than arrested. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I used Tony Carroll's granddad's suspenders. What's your face for? Where have you ever bought rope? Ann Summers.

Oh, so it's like a sex rope? Yeah. I mean, it's a multifunctional rope, but I use it for sex. Multifunctional rope. Welcome to Ann Summers. Do you need DIY? I'm jizzing.

Come on. I thought you'd gone to and bought like a big industrial brown rope. No. No, no, no. It was black. They had like... Yeah, tassels.

Oh, it was a sexy rope. Yeah. Oh, no. We go down wicks. That's... Because once you've had your fun, you can get in the garden. And you've not got much money.

And use rope. I don't know. You go down to a local nightclub. I'm always using rope in the garden. What? Go down to a local nightclub if you've not got much money

and take the red one that they use to keep the VIPs away. There's some rope. Yeah. Just trying to save money. It's hard to tie someone up with that.

It's quite thick, isn't it? You need a thin rope to tie someone to a bed stand. Imagine getting twatted by bouncers trying to steal a velvet rope at the low point in your life. Just trying to do BDSM.

I'm skint. That would be a bit sexier. Yeah. It's red Fact Sexy is Red is sexy I've used red robe before Yeah

Let's turn again though From Anselm's Yeah Alright cool Can we buy an Anselm's item now Because we haven't got any new sex toys Ages Things set at work

Honestly Can I just say No more dildos now Okay what does it mean a dildo Because those dildos, this is the saddest thing I'm going to say about this. We've got more value out of those dildos than we've had out of anything that we've bought.

You know when we've just bought something stupid and then we're like, ah, look, and then it's gone. Those dildos have just followed us around. They've gone from Roncorn to Liverpool. We're constantly wazzling them around. Roncorn? Now they're in the fridge. They're not, they're out.

Yeah, I'll buy it. They're not in the fridge they're not they're out yeah I'll buy it they're not in the fridge anymore on the day of the funeral they were very useful don't buy a blow up doll because I can't promise you that I won't fuck it when I'm in here on my own

what kind of thing are we thinking a blow up doll yeah we need a blow up doll I want a fuckmaster 5000 so I'll just type doll in any of them will do no results found

can we go back to you found it it's called the fuckmaster 5000. Flockmaster nuts. DJ Flockmaster nuts. Flockmaster. It's going to be

four or five grand though, isn't it? It's going to be a bastard. No. How much is it? How much do you reckon? I reckon it's going to be 600 quid.

Really? Yeah. You know your prices. The Flockmaster. Just press on that. It's there. It's on Reddit. That's Reddit.

Oh dear. It says, it's just some guy moaning that when women buy a sex doll it's there it's on reddit that's reddit oh dear it says it's just some guy moaning that when women buy a sex doll it's fine but when men do it it's creepy just go on google

and type in buy sex doll buy be the bastard as well I mean a proper big one luxury sex doll what do you mean a big one oh my god

what do you want it to look like Zlatan I'm telling you right now I'm going to fuck it have you got any preference in terms of hair colour I'm telling you right now I'm going to fuck it right it's 1700 qu any preference in terms of hair colour. I'm telling you right now I'm going to fuck it.

Right, it's 1,700 quid. There's absolutely 1,700 quid. Yeah, but for a lifetime of happiness you can't put a price on love. Lifetime. Love.

A bag for life. Love, Adam, love. Adam, I've seen how you keep your car. This is never lasting lifetime. You're going to do well to see fucking

What's the cheapest one? November. It's just like an arse is the cheapest one. 600 quid I'll bum it though and you know I will because only you can do it

we all can't bum it I know who's going to do it first come on whoever gets it in first wins Steve's first I'm just telling you

if there's one of these in the studio and I'm hungover I'm going to get curious right so it's 1700 quid what's her name going to be they've all got names Adriana

what's that one called Ruth which one this one Stacey I'm going to get curious. Right, so it's 1,700 quid. What's her name going to be? They've all got names. Adriana. What's that one called? Ruth. Which one? This one. Stacey. Two on the nose, though. Why?

Do you know her, Stacey? Yeah, I know loads. Ruth. Can't move for fucking Stacey's. Schwansia? No. This one's called Schwansia. The Julia. Oh, my my god Julia Roberts

We'll call her Isabel looks gettable I liked it Oh she's fit mate That's a nice dress Right I'm out Adam Fancy's the dress Right

That you don't get with it This episode is sponsored by Sex Dolls You can build it Don't use any You do get the dress It's like a fucking Playing on pro clubs

Go on Go on Because go on. Because you get to pick the pussy there. Bastien Knobloch. I wanted to have a fucking mullet. Bastien Knobloch. You get to pick the labia colour. You can have a fixed vagina or a removable one.

Oh, he needs a cleanable vagina. No, I like a gentle pink pussy, if you don't mind. I don't want that brown one. So you want a pink one. Yeah, that one. Pink nipples as well. Fingernail colour. Toenail colour.

Black foot size. Seven. Oh, big feet. Oh wait, wait, wait, sorry. UK 12, UK 12. It's either- She just wants to stand up. I want to look like Krusty the Clown with tits.

It's either bolt holes in the feet or no bolt holes. So you can either fix it. What, she got stigmata? What the fuck? Bolt holes? What we do in the crucifixion? To put it on a wall. or no bolt holes so you can either fix it what's she got stigmata what the fuck bolt holes what are we doing the crucifixion put it on a wall

no get a size 15 feet and she'll stand up Julia Christ she looks like she's ready to take a free kick there Paolo Di Paolo right

we're getting one of them we're having a break now and we're not spending 1700 pounds on a Jesus sex doll she's fit though honestly I can't promise you and we're not spending £1,700 on a Jesus sex doll. She's fit, though. Honestly.

I can't promise you I wouldn't just have a little kiss with her. If we walked in and you were kissing her, I'd have to get a new job. She's fit, though. She wants it. She has a job, innit? Can I ask a question? You know we're getting a cleaner.

Will the cleaner clean her? Most cleaners have a rule for cum. We've got to get the get the removable on them yeah like that's yours to deal with yeah we'd have to tip them then wouldn't we that's definitely a 20 percent i'm sorry babe i'll just clean you come out of this sex doll it is 30 percent um by the way dan crusty has small feet size your baba's big feet as you're seeing Krusty gets busted oh okay glad you got that in there because otherwise it would have been in the comments yeah

do you reckon she fancies me she's looking at you yes Adam's going to wank in the break what's happening lads as you might have noticed when we moved into the new studio we've upped our game

signage wise it's not just a fucking sticker on the wall anymore we've got these beautiful light up signs courtesy of brandgraphics.co.uk that's graphics with an x that's g-r-a-p-h-i-x brandgraphics.co.uk if you're looking to get a sign like this made they also did the decal the sticker in the original studio you can go to them for all your signage needs they helped us they've provided these to the new studio

we wouldn't have been able to get them without them they've sorted us out they can sort you out as well uh please go and support them they've supported us that's brand graphics with an x dot code at uk you like them as well don't you yep well whatever that is that you're trying to do as a proper director camera nonce don't be doing that what does it camera speed what does that mean it means cameras rolling and what we meant to say rolling fast

speed and we're meant to say sound speed I'm just telling you now Will it's not happening sound speed I'm on Will's team

this is what we do is everyone goes are the cameras on and then he says something racist or homophobic Finn does yeah or usually both bend that fucking finger to Finn.

I don't say nothing of the sort. He's awful in my ears, and then we go, yeah, it started. Can I just say how delicious the meal was we had today? Was it? Yeah.

Is it scrumptious? Yeah. I don't like it in there. Finn had a dried brownie. Red wine juice. There you go. It's got all this juice. It's not A bit of red wine jus. There you go. It's pronounced juice. It's not.

It's red wine jus. It's French. Red wine jus. Bit of mash. Greenery. I told them to keep the apple shite, though. I don't understand this fruit with food stuff. What?

You just don't understand fruit, do you? No, I like fruit. As, like like a dessert occasionally oh finish that lovely two-course meal now for the third course of grapes oh i love a grape no do you know what he's never eaten a fucking... Come on. Whenever you have a fruit salad as a fucking pudding. I've had a fruit salad as a pudding before.

Boots off. Bull shit. When was the last time you bought a piece of fruit? No, I said... Last week. What was it? Banana. I got a bunch of bananas and ate one of them.

All right. That's a heavy pudding, isn't it? A bunch of bananas. Do you know what? I'm full, but I'm not quite full enough. Babe, I've got a sweet tooth, but I need some potassium. I love fruit. I just don't crave it.

Do you know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. You know, not all people who eat fruit are like smack heads. Like, oh God, I need a fucking pear. I don't eat it as often. When I eat it, I'm often like, do you know? Do you forget how good it was? Yeah. You know, not all people who eat fruit are like smack heads. Like, oh, God, I need a fucking pear. I don't eat it as often. When I eat it, I'm often like, do you know? Do you forget how good it was?

Yeah. I'm the same. Yeah. Pears are boss, but I forget. Pears are weird. No, they're boss. No, I'm not into pears. Soft apples?

No. Apples for people who think they went to uni but didn't. What? You. Yeah. It's just you. An apple is straight down the line. Standard fruit

Fucking tawny fruit Fucking apples Oh you don't like apples? No I do like apples Oh yeah A red apple Red or green? What are you into?

No Red preferably It's the type of apple Pink lady Pink ladies are the best Rammers I like an air Clip it

Clip the apple there Clip the ice cream Go viral Fucking hell I have a word there clip it clip the apple bit clip the it's gonna go viral fucking hell I'll have words I love the apple bit

people actually like relatable food content stick it in a fucking pie you're funny oh my god I am

you had a dry brownie and it was hard to watch you make vegetarianism look difficult that was because we had to leave

no one else got a dessert. I would have had ice cream with it. And that would have been... It had to be awkward, didn't it? I'm going to get a main and a dessert. Everyone else is getting starters. Because before the meal, you said, I'm probably going to get dessert.

And lots of people around the table said... And do you know what? They didn't have fruit on the menu, so I declined it. I had raspberries on my brownie. Excuse me. Have you got any raspberries? Punnets of? No. I do like a punnet of raspberries. my brownie. Excuse me, have you got any raspberries? Punnets of?

No. I do like a punnet of raspberries. No, too dry. No, they're not. They taste like dust. Pomegranates. They're belters. Yeah.

Kiwi. Boots off. Don't like kiwi. Boots off me. Tangerines. I love fruit. I do. I really like it.

You just don't eat it. No, not often enough. What kind of melon? Cantaloupe? I don't like either. Either of them. There. Not often enough. What kind of melon? Cantaloupe? I don't like either. Either of them. Or a garland. No, there's watermelon and melon melon, isn't there?

I don't like either of them. I do like fruit. What? I like fruit. There's watermelon and melon melon. You know what I mean by melon melon. Can I have a melon melon? Yeah, but they'd know what you mean.

They'd give you the yellow one. Honey, honeydew. Melon. Juice. All right, cool. Well cool Let's get a bowl Get a fresh fruit bowl for Adam And watch it rot Can we go on your dining table?

That everyone's enjoying It's not a dining table It's a meeting table We haven't had one meeting on it And we've had loads We have the meetings in the air Halfway through the courts I refuse to have a dining table

You're not welcome it loads. We have the meetings in the air. Halfway through the courts. I refuse to have a dial on it. You're not welcome. Got some questions. You can see yourself. Okay. End of section. This has been the fruit section. This podcast is sponsored by fruit, but not apples. Isn't it mad that at one point the League Cup was sponsored by

milk? Like it was the milk cup. Like, isn't that mad that at one point the league cup was sponsored by milk like it was the milk cup like isn't that mad it wasn't a brand of milk it was the milk cup was it yeah there was only one brand of milk

and it was just called milk shout out Rumbelows I remember when it was the Rumbelows cup that is old school I think Rumbelows was like an electric store

a bit like Bright House they sponsored the league cup after milk I think milk the milk cup milk's a electric store, a bit like Bright House. They sponsored the League Cup after milk, I think. Milk, the milk cup. Milk's a brand, not a product. It's like Vaseline. No, it isn't. It is.

Milk is the brand. It's called cow juice. Cow juice. What? Milk was first to the arena, and they got their name back. First to the arena. Yeah, so they got their name in.

It's like Hoover. Yeah, Hoover, Vaseline, sellotape, etc. Milk. Milk. They were just first there. The milk cup. Big milk. They do so much damage, though, to farmers and stuff.

Big milk. Exactly. Milk limited. Be a PLC by now, wouldn't it? That's like being sponsored by fucking flowers isn't it flowers flower cup

if you lose yeah alright fair enough it's mad apples all good genuinely what's your go to

fruit Dan grapes red grapes crunchy yeah well my go to isn't like go to means the one you What's your go-to fruit, Dan? Grapes. Red grapes, crunchy. Yeah. Oh, mate. Well, my go-to... Isn't my...

Go-to means the one you... There's just the standard one. If you're in the shop... But actually, all pistachios side, I fucking love a raspberry, actually. Yeah. Quite like a raspberry. I like them with cream.

They're too dry on their own. Don't know. Suck them. Get wet. See you, Marcel. Did you eat raspberries? She said that to you. Was there balls? No balls no her tits

oh okay Tom Lutis says I have your mum's tits for pudding that's the irony innit I have that one to start starter

main you are nine years old Tom Lutis says alright Lids I was wondering if you reckon the pod would be as successful if it didn't have

the strong association with Liverpool and fairly local so it can appreciate the niche scouse bits and I was wondering how big an aspect you reckon this is

love the pod from Tom Lutis I reckon it does help us but I honestly reckon we were all born to be stars regardless get it on a t-shirt

and can't breathe yeah Liverpool's fine but look at us shine stick it on a t-shirt with fuck apples Adam Rose new line Fuck apples Fuck apples

Not literally You perv It's a different Halloween game isn't it Fuck apple Gonna pull an apple Put your cock in a boy All the kids bobbing for dicks Imagine having Dexter

He's in your dick To pick an apple I can pick things up With my cock An apple You can pick an apple Up with your cock? I can pick things up with my cock. An apple. You can pick an apple up with your cock. I can pick a pen up

with my cock. No, you're using the suction of the end, aren't you? With your... With your eye? Strength. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. You can open it. Yeah. What? You can open the end of your cock. I've got a very dexterous dick.

Cool cartoon, though. Dexter got a very dexterous dick. Good cartoon, though. Dexterous dick. Dexterous laugh. But I can also, like, I can roll it round something and, like, an elephant's trunk. Yes. I could pick that gavel up with me.

Yeah, I've seen tourists go near Adam's dick and, like, take pictures with it and all of a sudden Adam's dick just, like, grabs a hat or pinches the boob and they're like, oh, what is this yeah that's in it

that's how big it is what is this what is this like a tourist I come for Beatles I get growed by Adam's dick I got I had a little

this is true as well before you press that speaking of like Anne Somers sex toys an ex-girlfriend of mine once bought me

a dick dumbbell And you can do weights With your cock That's a bit of a Fuck you innit What weight is it What What is that a key

Like 12 kilos I think 12 kilos That's a fridge Wow It was hyperbole Hyperbole mate It was just wrong wasn't it That's what it was

Okay like a freezer I had a little dick dumbbell And you could just do weights With your cock 12 kgs Did it help It was just a bit of fun I've used them

But I use the ones You know like ladies have On their like Wrists and ankles Yeah The Velcro Yeah Half one of them

Little ankle weights on your neck Yeah Still fucked Yeah 12 It gets a lot of cardio But it doesn't get a lot of weight training Get a Your dick's on fucking at them. Little ankle weight on your neck. Still fucked. He did get a lot of cardio but he doesn't get a lot of weight training. Your dick's on fucking

on a little cross trainer? No, going in and I was a pussy. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not cardio though, is it? He's not doing nothing. I am.

You are, yeah. So, Liverpool. I think the association with Liverpool is important. I don't think it is. I think it is. It's massively important. What are you talking about? I don't think it is. I think it is. It's massively important.

What are you talking about? I don't think it's important at all. You've been living in Runcorn with a Prestonian host. Yeah. I think that is the reason some people are not into it. Like, fucking hell, he's a fucking wool. But I think it's so much better for the pod that not everyone is a Scouser.

Yeah. Because so much of the time, I think I'm the voice of like 70% of these listeners who are all around the country, all around the world going, Five million, that isn't one year. Eh? Rookie numbers.

Yeah. I think it helps. I love that we're associated with Liverpool, but I think it's important that I'm not Scouse. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. I agree that if we're going to be associated, it's good to have a non-Scouse voice

to make us look stupid. But yeah, I think without Adam's following, which is, I mean, before we started the pod, you did your tour and you were touring around, weren't you? But it was like 100 seaters 200 seaters and liverpool was 1300 people if that's not testament to how much of your following was in the northwest and oh yeah yeah it's always been without hot water isn't it like i owe a lot of me could eat a hot water um yeah um massive uh hairy tunday says what me and the geordie lids have been a type of street rat

is that a hairy tunday i mean i will i'll say this if you send an email to have a word pod at gmail.com if you're a patreon if you send the message via harry robinson the goat who does all the funneling of this bullshit, if you put a name on, I'll read the fucking name. I'm like Ron Burgundy. If it's on the autocue, I will fucking read it. Even if it's got the M word in it. It's just the M word. I mean...

Twice. Like Neville Neville. So racist they named it twice I honestly what's his name Hairy Tunday Hairy Tunday

because we need to get the word that you've put in my head out of my head hey Hairy Tunday come on he's a jovey

Neville please Neville what Neville, please. Neville what? Neville, please. Can you lend a Neville a pencil? Get away from the door. These Neville's are dying out here. Neville's in Paris was good though.

Would you like to go to this on this week's episode? Phil and Gary. If there's a photograph anywhere on the internet, by the way, of either of the Neville brothers holding a pineapple, we're fucked. Oh my God. They're not friends, are they?

What? Neville's and pineapples. Right. Wow. No, there's not. We're good. I don't mind Gary though. At least he's fucking Labour.

So he said, me and the Geordie lids. Oh, he's Geordie. Sounds. How we're. Here he turned. How we're. How we're, Jasper. How we're. How we're.

How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're.

How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. How we're. Jasper Kingston Jamaica

just near Gateshead you go you go past Hexham you keep going and then you're in Jamaica and it's all the same fuck on the tinies all mine are mine

shout out to Hog Radio Pod Where we did this bit Aye Me and the Geordie Lids have been discussing the Nuncious Crisp Got to be a Quaver or Whatsit I reckon Shut that laptop

Honestly This guy, whoever's wrote this in Harry Tundy. Oh my God, God. It's Tiddles, isn't it? Who did I say deserves death in the first half? No, but who did I say? Neville.

No. People that don't tip, was it? People. People that give 10p to you. It was 18 minutes ago. Keep the change. I think I've got onset Alzheimer's. I keep going into rooms and forget how well I'm in there.

Listen, those cunts, the people who say to keep the change when it's negligible and... Phil. So you don't like apples? Should we do fruit again? Just cheers on the line. It's Tiddles, isn't it? Oh, God.

I think it's... What's it? Goat. Top level crisps. Quavers are very close. They're in the argument. Where are you with skips? Skips are a bit noncy, but I still like them.

I haven't had them since I was a kid. What makes it noncy? They're just a bit...cy But I still like them I haven't had them Since I was a kid What makes them What makes What makes it noncy They're just a bit I'm a skipper Because There's loads of Hard ones in there

You know what I mean They're never always Fresh skips Erm I think if it's like Dried beetroot Or that shit It's Tiddles isn't it

They're the nonciest Tiddles or ketchup That tier system Is absolute Fucking bananas By the way. Bollocks. Salt and vinegar squares at the bottom,

when they're the best crisp on the market. Chipsticks. I love squares. Salt and vinegar squares. Chipsticks on a bussy with old bread. The ate your lips, though. Just for an earlier point, squares, the salt and vinegar's blue. Blue.

Yeah, it is blue. It should be blue. Those chipsticks are the salt and vinegar ones. That's the only thing I've walked us, because they bought squares. Salt and vinegar squares are goated, it is blue. It should be blue. Those chip sticks are the salt and vinegar ones. That's the only thing of Walker's because they bought squares. Salt and vinegar squares are goated, by the way. And whoever's put them at the bottom is a child. Where did discos rank?

Discos were elite. Pickled onion discos, I reckon, might be the greatest crisps of all time. Can I just say, if discos were just... I kind of like a ready salted crisp sometimes. I want some of these to just bang out. Like, they never do the standard one. You know crinkly cheddars? Fucking love a crinkly cheddar. I don't want the cheese in a new ones. I want some of these to just bang out. Like, they never do the standard one.

Like, you know crinkly cheddars? Fucking love a crinkly cheddar. I don't want the cheese in a new ones. Cheddars, can you just give me the original cheese crinkly cheddar? I fucking love them. You classing a mini cheddar as a crisp, yeah? I think it has to be, don't it? It's not a cracker or a biscuit, is it, really?

It is a cracker. It's a cracker? It's a cheese cracker, innit? They're mini crackers. Like, a big cheddar's a cracker, innit? A mini one is still a cracker. It's a cracker. It's a cheese cracker isn't it? They're mini crackers. Like a big cheddar is a cracker isn't it? A mini one is still a cracker. I know but have you ever seen

They're not a Neville are they? Alright. Have you ever seen anyone take a mini cheddar out of a bag butter it and put a bit of cheese on like you would a cracker?

No because they're a paedophile. If you want to look like an absolute murderer of children. They're still a cracker. Just because they don't have the extra stuff

that goes on crackers. A cracker's still a cracker. Just because they don't have the extra stuff that goes on crackers. A cracker's still a cracker before you put butter and cheese on it. Right. But the way you eat mini cheddars is you have to admit... Like a kiss, but it's a cracker. It's a cracker-ass bitch. It's a cracker. And Jaffa cakes are biscuits as well.

No, because they go hard, not soft. Yeah, they are. No, because they go hard, not soft. Like cake. It's great. You have them with cups of tea, and they go in the not soft. Yeah, they are. No, because they go hard, not soft. Let's keep. It's great. You have them with cups of tea and they go in the cupboard and not in the fridge. It's literally a contradictory argument

for two different things. Do you have cake with tea? What? Do you have cake with tea? You've had Athlean tea before? You've never seen me eat cake with tea in your life. Cake? He doesn't eat cake.

It has fucking fruit. Hairy Tunde, you need to sort your life out, mate. This one's put Ty tyrals in the top tier see they should but it's the daily mail so that makes sense they have sex with children um the daily bum rape of fucking children by the sounds of it to me yeah that's not as popular that paper it's the same thing so it's full title if you translate into latin daily young male have you tried the hummus crisps?

I know this is going to get hammered, but the lentils crisps and the hummus crisps, you might have visited. Lentil crisps I've tried. They're kind of good. They're proper. They're like triangles. They're made of lentil.

They're fucking fit. Like pop chips, but even better. Pombers. Shout out. Proper chips. Lentil chips. I know it sounds... Listen, these sound like noncy options.

I'll bring some in. They're fucking great. That's what noncers say about kids. Yeah. Don't... Listen, they're just so nice. Is it better than a pombear? Pombears are good over raisin dough.

So what's the verdict? What's the best crisp? Oh, nonciest, isn't it? Tiddles. Could you keep shouting Tyrell's? Tyrell's. Tyrell's are train crisps. Hang on, what does Carl think?

Tyrell's? I'll probably go with kettle chips. All right. They hurt your teeth sometimes. That's my age, though. I quite like that they hurt my teeth, though. I like the sweet chilli ones. It's oral pleasure for me, though.

Right. Who's feeding you the crisps? Me. Right, okay. Do you finger your own mouth while eating crisps? Me Right okay Do you think you're on mouth while eating crisps? No Cool Crisps do the fucking for me

What are the bacon ones? Frazzles Frazzles You're a frazzle fan Dan? Well that sounded lovely I am I do like a fra But

They're only a small bag aren't they? And I can literally get to the end of the bag And be like These are too much. You can have three packs at once. No, fat boy. No, you can't. Don't ever call me that again.

Three bags of frazzles is a crime. Three bags of frazzles is a fucking brilliant Wednesday night. You put them all in a bowl and it's only one bag? That is a war crime to your heart. You can't eat three bags of frazzles. That's like, there's medical advice

against that. I don't give a shit. I do what I want. I don't listen to you, me parents, or the fucking NHS. I'll do what I want. It's my body.

You'll sort it out when I'm ready. I'll eat three bags of frazzles and I'll get over it. You can have a heart attack at 14, Adam. All right.

30. What crisp can you binge then? French fries. The actual crisp French fries. What's the most bingeable crisp? Yeah. I could literally have a full multi-pack of Watsons without any, like a six pack.

Aren't Watsons just like cheese puffs? Yeah. They are basically cheese puffs, aren't they? With a T now, innit? What? Puffts, isn't it? Oh, puffts. Has it ever changed that to be politically correct? It's got a T in it now. cheese puffs yeah they are basically cheese puffs with a t now innit what puffs isn't it oh puffs is it ever changed

to be politically correct got a t in it now piss off Sean Connery changed his name the LGBTQ plus changed the names of what

cheese puffs puffs no got a t in it wow for trans yeah touche

so touche risque what's it trans joke where you getting them not a lot of places Touche, so Touche Risqué What's it trans joke? Where are you getting them? Not a lot of places Can we do some advice? Yeah, madam

I'm here to help Oh, agony Adam He's a He's had three bags of frazzles He's not gone to live He's not got long to live Alright, words, Dan What about scampi fries? It's even worse than frazzles He's not gone to live He's not got long to live Alright words Dan What about scampi fries?

It's even worse than frazzles innit You Come on How many bags of scampi Can you eat before You literally feel your heart going Why? I never feel like that mate

I get heartburn regularly but That's that Does anyone know what I mean about I love frazzles but They're so like Tasty They're very fatty I want anyone know what I mean about, I love frazzles, but they're so like, they're very fatty. I want some frazzles now. Yeah,

I do like frazzles. We haven't got any crisp in the new studio. We did. We did. We've gone through, we've gone through 72 packs of crisps. Because I was the crisp buyer, that's why.

I used to go to Runcorn Asda and do a big shop. I'll go to Tesco in a minute before I go home. Can we get some water tonight? It's not worth going today, is it? and wheat crunchies I've gone off them

I've ruined them wheat crunchies are heavy as well shitty yeah I'm Adam I'm here to help Adam anonymous hey guys

looking for some advice hopefully one of you lids has some experience with something like this I try to keep this concise I've been together with my lady for some years now we're getting married next year

in this time she's been slowly putting on weight oh gee to the point now where she really doesn't like how she looks and wants to lose the excess however she wants to do this completely on her own i'm not sure if it's pride or stubbornness or insecurity about me also wanting her to lose weight but even reminding her that she wanted to work out today is met with hostility trying to get her to schedule something for the week and follow through had similar results the last time she really tried was over a year ago and there's been negative progress since then do you have any suggestions on how i could indirectly help her i'm really not trying to be

manipulative i just want to help her reach her goal and feel better about herself. I don't want to hate photos from the wedding because she looks like shit. Find out what her favourite chocolate bar is, put it on a string on a stick, put the stick on her head and make her chase it just out of reach. The old, yeah. Put it on a treadmill. Yeah.

Nice. Tell me it wouldn't work. Yeah. Also, is she consenting to it you could just make her feel like comfortable in her body as well so that she doesn't have to lose the weight and she doesn't hate the pictures

you can just look at her every day and be like I'd fucking love to cum on you right now just be really complimentary all day every day what a lovely compliment with that fucking stick hanging over your head

and that big bar bar of galaxy I'd just love to jizz right inside you uh you feel better yeah you look great you might be fat but i don't mind stuff like that your tits are bigger yeah especially on your back yeah we needed a new back i'll tell you what maybe just be subtle about and be like i'd love to just feel up your tits right now babe and then just start

rubbing her back and when she's like what are you doing like sorry I thought I loved when you only had two tits now you've got eight

four times as good I mean listen Anonymous you've got to tread carefully here my friend this is ask her what she wants and then do that

choppy frazzle based fucking war innit choppy get fat get fat yourself you're fatter than her make her look thin there you go

and not only do you get to eat whatever you want while you're doing it like she's got a problem with it you can be like hang on you're fat as well

three frazzles shut up I think it's quite cute when people get fat together and then you see a couple you met when they were thin I've got one particular couple in mind

you know them as well and they've got fat oh I do know what you mean a couple who you met when they were thin I've got one particular couple in mind you know them as well and they've got fat oh I do know what you mean they've got fat like when they got together he was quite a handsome lad and she was fit she was but

she was a bit older wasn't she no oh right not who you're thinking of oh really yeah but now they're both enormous

and it's just cute because like enormous and she's still she's still, like... Enormous. Is she still fit? No, you can tell that she was. She still is. She's still beautiful, though.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And you think she's fat? Yeah. No, she's just got big. I've got no problem. There's still some beautiful people that are big. Of course there is. She is. She's still gorgeous, but she's put a lot of weight on and so is he, they've got fat together

but I genuinely think that's lovely when a couple meet each other and they go should we both just give up together I think it's great I've found you, let's just get a bigger bed yeah this isn't I think he's trying to word this as carefully as he can

he's saying she said she's unhappy with it and wants to sort it out for the wedding by the way if she doesn't get it sorted for the wedding she's never getting it sorted like if you can't lose weight for a wedding i i this is maybe generalizing but that is so important for a lot of women i'm gonna try and get down to nine stone right okay good that's my plan but like the fucking pianist that you right but i if she if she's not going to do it for the wedding but that's the only motivation you could ever need is your wedding pictures if you can't do it for that you're not doing for fucking anything enter into tough mother tough mother's great enter into tough mother what do the chocolate bar thing no No, don't tell her.

Just go. We're going to the shops. But then drive like... Tell her you're taking her to Disneyland. Do you know what? Women love a surprise Tough Mudder. You guys know women. And do you know what?

If you're listening, young lads, and you're like, is that right? Yeah. These two are experienced. They're in their 30s now, and they love it. Just get your lass and be like, we're going out this afternoon. And they'll be like, where are we going?

Just dress casual. Next minute, you're in a Tough Mudder they're like oh my god that was a handle does surprise tough mothers surprise tough mother oh you surprised me that's after both of them i think you need to sit down here and have a proper serious is this a is this a real sit down and be like, just have one of them where you're like, babe, you might not like this. I don't want to overreact. This is just a very honest... Like, do all the preface you can do. And then really go offensive.

Go too far. And go, oh, sorry. But eight tits is enough. Yeah. Sorry, look, I know you're self-conscious. I don't want you to be. I love you. I'll love you no matter what.

But I just feel like I'm not giving you enough motivation and you haven't got it in yourself. So I'm going to have to start being a bit harsh because I know I love you the way you are. The way you look right now, I would marry you and be happy for the rest of my life. I think we could be the happiest we've ever, ever going to be. But you'd have to accept who you are.

And I don't think you're going to do that. So you need me to tell you, you're fat and you repulse me. Put the profiteroles down. And then just kiss love you so much love you good night all right cool well i hope that really really helps mate and good luck with the wedding that's probably not gonna happen next time you're eating a pussy presents be suffocating that'll send a subtle message how would that go i'd need a big woman in front of me to show up. Unseen.

Would you ever do Tough Mother, Dan? I know it's not, but it feels like it. I'd drown in a big woman's, what, Tough Mother? Yeah. Actually, I would.

Drown in a big woman's Tough Mother is the R, isn't it? Me and Steve don't want it. What trainers are you wearing at the Tough Mother? Because you don't want to wear i live i live yeah i live next to the countryside and when i go jogging it's not been loads recently i have to run by a couple of farms and i'm fuming how wrecked my trainers get clothes that you want

to put in the bin all right yeah your body is gray for about a week afterwards you can't get the mud off it's like stained into your skin where Where do you do your tough mud? A BNFL? What's, where you do? Cheshire, was it? Cheshire, somewhere in Cheshire.

What grey mud have you got though? No, like it's stained into your body. You have to get like five baths to get it out. Right. Is that medically possible? What are you, a beige carpet?

What, I don't understand. No one's ever called me that. What are you? A beige carpet? God, you're fucking nasty on the have a word this week. But at one point you're swimming through mud. Like it gets in all the orifices.

Yeah. Right. Get on your bum. It gets everywhere, lad. A muddy bum would be great because you could just poo and then be like, oh, what's that? Is that what you think my dream is? Oh, what's that? To just be able think my dream is? Oh, what's that?

To just be able to shit yourself, like... Oh, it's got to be... Done it now. It's got to be pretty... Is it bad... Did they have to explain it at the start of the Tough Mudder? Please don't poo your pants on purpose just because no one will be able to tell.

You've never said that, no. Is it not just people like, just about to start on my mark, please don't shit yourself though on purpose just because no one will be able to tell. Three, two, one. The worst bit is the electric bit at the end. What?

You run through a field of electric, live electric wires hanging down, and every time it touches you, it feels like you're getting kicked. It's horrendous. I thought you just went running in a fucking field. No. It's like fucking total wipeout,

but in mud instead of water what with an electric fence bit one of them's we have to go in an ice bath like it's it's awful it's great we loved it but the electric where was this like cheshire fucking you have to sign a death you have to sign a death waiver that's the electric so every time one of them hits you it's like oh it's like jellyfish it hurts like like it's like you're, it's like jellyfish. It hurts. It's like you're being punched. It numbs the muscle, so you fall down. Yeah, girls love this.

Surprise date, Tough Mudder. Take your lass. That's something to focus on, isn't it? More advice? Can we do more advice? Adam, easier to help. Agony Adam, sexual past advice. What's happening, lids? My missus, out of of the blue asked me how many people i'd slept with why i told her how many and asked her the same i'd never

planned on asking this but figured i might as well what's annoyed me was that she told me a complete lie see she said she said she said she'd been with eight people but i know about 15 and i don't know everyone she's but hang on 24 but i know about at least 15 and i don't know everyone that she's been with so so there's 15 he knows of no 15 people i think they live in a small town or village and they're all she shagged everyone including the mayor by the sounds of it there's only 16 people there I just left it I just left it at

the time because I knew it would start an argument if I challenged her but now I'm thinking I might be a bit of a mug for saying for not saying anything

for the record I couldn't care less the actual number but little lies for no reason pissed me off if it was the other way around she'd have went

mental so do I bring it up or do I just leave it thanks anonymous there's the standard rule of three that Carl obviously knows. Men lie by a factor of three and women lie by a factor of three, both multiply and division. So men apparently say three times as many as they've slept with.

And women say three times as less. Yeah. But also, you've got to think why she's lying. She's only lying to protect your feelings. So why did you give a fuck? No, that's bollocks, Carl. That's also shite. Why? If he knows and doesn't care which he does why does she care that she's just trying to save his feelings yeah but she's lying she's not lying to protect just his feelings she's lying because she doesn't want to be judged for whatever you don't know that

though do you no but you don't know that no i know but i'm saying that couple that's why i said hang on uh no we don't know anything go back a minute and say you need't know that. No, I know, but I'm saying that cup. That's why I said... Hang on. That's why you go back a minute and say you need to know why she's lying. If she's lying to protect the screen. I think eight sounds like a very acceptable number. And I think, obviously, we don't know, Carl, you're right, but she's doing that thing of like... Eight?

Do you know how many people you've slept with? I honestly lost count in 2003. I'm such a dirty little bastard. And also also who fucking do you know your number I do but obviously Carl's is two

do you know your number these are upwards of six I'll probably be able to figure it out but I'd have to think back Finn do you know yours one off the top of your head what is it four I'll probably be able to figure it out, but I'd have to think back. Fing, do you know yours?

One. Off the top of your head? Yeah. What is it? Four. We have lived very different lives, my friends. Very different lives. And I'm older.

Quality and quantity, mate. Oh. I know mine. Quality has never been my issue. Mine's seven. Yes! I'm sorry. I do a podcast where, it's the little lies seven seven sexual sex seven on that

couch 70 what i haven't had sex on the couch who you're lying to you come on seven who you like actual vaginal sex you have no that's that is how many women are you bummed you go straight for the bum. Seven. In the heebie-jeebies disabled toilet. Seven. Seven. Salad. Seven.

Morgan Freeman. We're not doing this year. In seven. You lying. Who are you lying to, yeah? Is it Fiona Cameron or is it what's in the room? The magnificent seven. It's seven. Fuck off.

Adam Rowe. Seven. Fuck off. Seven bags of frazzles You lying shit You can't name seven I can I won't Because it's weird

But it definitely could Big Susan You know what could Big Jill Seven Big Steph It's not seven I'm just guessing

Listen If I guess enough names And put big in front of them Am I going to be right That this is him In about 2012, 2013? No, they weren't all fucking walruses, you know. Big Leanne.

Big Lucy. Tell me when I'm close. I don't think you've got any years. Big Jane. These are all like 15 old women, Dan. Big Julia. It was the early teenies. Has anyone called Julia now?

He's about to when we buy her. From before. Go on. on steph big steph he looks like a guy who's a big steph oh no i've fucked yourself oh there is like one that i didn't know the name of big mandy no are you lying bastard yes i haven't got money Are you lying bastard? Yes! Have I got a Mandy? Have I got Mandy? Who's Mandy?

Mandy. Yeah, go north of the border. Oh, yeah. Big fucking Mandy! Knock on the border. Mandy was very small, actually. What? She was a woman. She was very small, actually. What? She was a woman.

She was four years of age. She was very small. And what was it? Like Big John, she got called... It was like an ironic nickname. She wasn't called Big Mandy! Imagine if there was an actual little person and she was from Scotland

and everyone was like, we'll call her fucking Big Mandy. She's fucking famous. It's mad that you remembered that name. I know all the names. I know it's more than seven. No, I forgot what it is. It is eight.

And she was a big eight or little. Adam fucks Scottish midgets. Fucking Big Mandy. The toast of Dom Farmerland. Right, we're having a break. I'm so happy that I got one. It's the end of the episode. It's the end of the start of the section

because we've got Helen Bower coming in. Yeah. Oh! Is Helen on her way? She is in the past. We so need to get these episodes back. It's the end of the episode. Big Mandy.

Shout out to you, Big Mandy. Eat. Fucking eat. Oh's the end of the episode. Big Mandy. Shout out to you, Big Mandy. Eight. Fucking eight. Oh, I've remembered the length. It's nine. No,

it is nine. That's it now. Defo. He was called Steve. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch

that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch. For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of? This is an add this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing.

Get one of these ones, but when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra.

Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite That you're wearing At the minute We just said Don't be doing the mean thing

You look like a fucking Pee though Get some merch But he can't help himself But look at them Look through the camera At the fucking Scruffy twat

On the other side of it I like you I think you look good Fucking pathetic But you'll look better In have a word pod merch That's what I was saying Just in a more polite way And that's here Because Carlo put the graphic in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's

here. Because Carl will put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com if you can't read. Get on me. I'm sweaty as fuck because I've just handed Carl's ass to him for the game of table tennis. You lost the first game, thank you. No, I give up after that because I thought he'd

beat you. Helen Bowers! She got bored of the game of table tennis and came and sat in here. It was so boring to watch. It was like literally like two four-year-olds playing, but every time they did something slightly good, they'd both look at me like, huh, do you see it?

And it's like, no one gives a shit. I didn't take my eyes off you. Oh God, why is everything you say so creepy? No, what I meant was everything I did was good. What? That means everything I did was good, wasn't. Oh God, why is everything you say so creepy? You know what it was? I've eaten a dead was good. What? That means I've eaten a dead was good, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. You hit the net a million times

and then Adam got more of my friends. It's like watching Pinky and the Brain playing table tennis. Oh my God, yes. Who's Pinky? Oh yes. Are you kidding? That's the brain.

Fuck off. Are you serious? You do look stupid. Yeah stupid yeah the brain is more like oh yeah that is you actually that yeah i'm pinky and then you're like the brain's in charge means the brains of the operation he is he is favorite bit of the podcast for ages thank you helen you're welcome what a gift love you pinky and the brain yourself to any cartoon helen who would it be and why any cartoon character oh um you know the pedophile oak leaf what's his name okie doke him yeah

okie doke remember okie doke he was like all of our friends are immediately looking up i'm 31 i'm the same age as you guys apart from dan um him him oh him so he is right here's the problem from the past he's an adult because he owns his own oak tree house but he would go around the town and just hang out with all the children but not the adults and i've got a very childlike mind so i feel like i'm okie doke but without the touching by the way if this was from 10 years earlier yeah and i'd have had this memory pinky in the brain would be fucking murdering me now what the fuck kind of pito tree is that cartoon history is him from the powerpuff girls wait i never watched the powerpuff girls i never actually properly what i know it's like buttercup blossom and like no just for feminism reasons i didn't watch the feminism they're superheroes are they yeah they

go around beating the shit out of this cunt yeah and all the bad guys are bad really yeah mojo jojo it's actually a very very very forward thinking it's actually a big part of the feminist movement it's done more for women than you'll ever do i think by being here in this studio i am doing a lot for women no you're doing a lot for us actually making you guys look slightly okay by actually being here you're welcome it's god's work third in four don't i watch that clip of finn doing the have a word roast and he was like oh there's no women here that's because ishan's here and he makes them uncomfortable so beautifully done or like a disney princess or like you know like cinderella or sleeping beauty like so beautifully done oh my god very special I'm not upset with that roast

I can't grab publicly or like a Disney princess or like you know like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or Disney princess probably one of the ones that fainted a lot

like the ones that were like always sleeping when the prince came and made out with them do you faint a lot no but I want to it's like a dream of mine it's a dream of yours

to faint to be someone that's like constantly like swooning and falling over and guys just like picking me up like oh my god you weigh nothing like that yeah so you want men to approach you

while you're asleep ideally yeah in an ideal world i don't watch the powerpuff girls i'm too busy swooning no but the coolest girls at our school were the ones that would faint And all Because you know like The sexiest thing That a guy could do When you were a teenager Was to take off his jacket And put it around a woman Who was quote on quote sick

Hello Like don't look at Yeah But only the Only the really fit girls Yeah like the people That played like Centre wing of the sluts

The ones that play In the middle of the court And netball Who were just pivoting Certain girls swoon and faint and everyone's like fucking hell they're on the floor nightmare i think i got their own jackets no we don't we know we've got to be cold then you can save us i'll get it have you not noticed that girls do that like you have you've never done dating i i've gone on dates with girls

in like the winter and they turn up with no jackets on yeah and i immediately go oh well i'm gonna be fucking freezing yeah and we do it on purpose. It's all manipulative. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't look fucking mental. You look the first place. Two jackets on. Two coats on, fucking freezing. I've got a white, you haven't got one on.

I've got two on. But would you be offended if you had two jackets on and gave one to you? It's just automatically gonna be frightening as a woman if you go on a date with a guy with two coats on because you're like, what's he preparing for? Are we going to the woods? What does he need that many pockets for?

Where are we going after this? You're going to look a cunt as well as she turns up in a coat. Fucking hell. I've overthought this. It's a bit warmer, yes. Also, for fatter girls like me, it's always going to be awkward because you could give me your jacket. The chances of me getting into it, slim.

Like, I will rip those seams. And that is very humbling rip away like if you do a fake faint which i've done so like i last time i faked a faint i did a slut drop and i couldn't get back up so you know when you're like it's easier just to lie and say i blacked out because it might be sexier so i did that and then i was on the floor and then this guy came over to try and help me up and i was like i'm fucking in but you had to get his mate to help pull me up so i was like you know like tits out and everything and then he gave me his jacket and just fucking ripped it and it's just sort of like that's home time you know what i mean like it's over imagine if steve and helen went on a date

i would i would break him in two just incredible hulked off the scene just stay on your shoulder right and guys don't love that like in general guys do not want to be like carried out by the woman no it's toxic yeah yeah it is toxic but yeah yeah for sure yeah and also women don't want you to bring two coats they want women think they want men who are like organized but what they actually want is men who are willing to sacrifice for them for giving the coat is like look like, look, I'll be cold. Look how bad my nipples are. And she doesn't know that my nipples would always be cold.

Do you know, real real thing is because it's cold. Do you say that? What? Do you say that when you give it to her? No, you just hint at it. You just give it and go. Subliminally. And we love it.

We love it. Do you have a top on? What? Do you have a top on? Yeah, but like, look. Oh, fuck. Are you always that erect? I'm permanently erect nipples the

corner of carlsberg's popping what the corner of the carlsberg have you ever done that thing where you lick your nipple and you're blowing it and it like wrinkles up around it we don't we don't have the same if he said yes then i don't either i mean neither then yeah do you have cameras in my apartment what a weirdly specific question for someone who isn't supposed to know about this Do you have cameras in my apartment? What a weirdly specific question For someone who isn't supposed to know about this Adam's always asking for ice cubes I have tried to lick my own nipples before

But my tongue won't reach I can do it Can you? Yeah yeah I just Well It's a big tip so Best episode Yeah but I'm

I've got yeah I've got a better rack than you Steve get your coat Give me your coat Give me your coat. Give me your coat. I'm freezing. I'm so cold, I'm going to faint. She's cold, Steve.

I don't know what you have to talk about Disney princess you're going to be. One of the ones that's always sleeping, like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White or something. Would you dress up as them? Yeah, probably. Go clubbing. Not clubbing, no. Clubbing. I wouldn't go clubbing as a Disney princess.

With Steve McManaman. No, because I'm aware of how that, like a fat 31-year-old woman walking around in Snow White. That's weird, right? No. But you're only asking this because you know my dream is to go to Disney World dressed as a princess and walk around.

Oh, tall. Shoehorn fucking Riebler. Get in there. I think that would have worked. She threw him under the bus there. He was doing alright Helen have you got any Disney related dreams Cut that bit out

Helen have you got any like Disney fantasies Right so my main career goal Is to voice a Disney princess Right Because I feel like there's been no actual British ones Or if they won't do a princess that's British I will do like voice

translation to british english instead of american english for each of the princesses i've gone so far because then i could officially be a disney princess and i want to go to disney world dressed as a princess but i saved up and i went to euro disney with some friends who used to work in a cafe with stayed at the toy story hotel it was fucking amazing by the way thank you hotel cheyenne and i just meant toy story was the best oh but we're not talking about the same thing then and it's okay don't be embarrassed but don't join in and it's the name of this podcast did i do good yeah okay good god this has been so good so far i've said so little i've enjoyed it so much and then i walk around disneyland just as a princess and like everyone's like freaking out and all the kids are like screaming

and then like all the you know the instagram account dad's at disney so it's just dilfs at disneyland just taking pictures of their kids can i just can i just ask you a question just at this stage yeah so when you say the kids are all screaming and freaking out in a good way they're excited yeah so you think the kids are going to be so surprised to see a disney princess at disneyland that they can't control their emotions yes you don't think there's other people there dressed like that and like being paid by the hour yeah but they're they're really standoffish like i met snow white at euro disney a couple of years ago and she was like do you think that might be because you're an adult woman and not a child yeah there's a good argument for it being weird that i was in a queue with a million like parents with their kids and it was me and three of my friends were like just turned 30 and we're like oh god

it's so high you know what it's like it's like when we go to the stripper and ask the stripper for their real name you could have just asked snow white for their real name and broke the fourth wall you can't they have to stay in character even with a grown adult yes they have to stay in character yeah they can't you can't just catch fucking goofy on his smoke break on all the time you can't smoke in costume full stop that's why i want to go so i can just be puffing away at cinderella like gather around me let me tell you something about the clit like just in the smoking area outside of space mountain and then just have children all around me like let me tell you something about the clit. Just in the smoking area outside of Space Mountain. And then just have children all around me.

Like, let me tell you something about the prince. If you went, do you smoke? Yeah, I smoke. If you went dressed as a Disney princess. Yes. Which is fine, isn't it? You're allowed to do that. No, you can't. It's illegal.

What? At Disney World and Disney, I feel like I've been so clear about this. At Disney World and Disneyland, you cannot go as an adult woman dressed as a princess because the kids might get confused and you are not doing

the ethically Disney stuff. You're not on brand. Oh shit. Which is bullshit because I would be on brand as a Disney princess. It's an absolute lady paedophile move to turn up at 31

dressed as Moana, innit? I wouldn't go as Moana, would I? There's a racial element there and that makes it really awkward. You would be a bad Moana. I'd be a terrible Moana in it. I wouldn't go as Moana, would I? There's a racial element there and that makes it really awkward. You would be a bad Moana. I'd be a terrible Moana.

Make way, make way. Moana is time you knew. The village of Motonu is all you need. Can you feel the love? That's a different film. That was really good though. That was beautiful. Oh my God.

Have you seen 9-11 the musical um what's it called come from away you would love it yes i mean so good i mean yes i have it's fantastic isn't it i i don't think they like it being called 9-11 the musical i know but i was they chose the title very deliberately um so that people in the shop on it well that's all my goal in the shop yeah it's fantastic. Welcome to the rock if you come from away. You probably understand about a half of what we say. They say no man's an island, but an island makes a man. Especially when one comes from one like Newfoundland.

Welcome to the rock. Do you know, you're not allowed to dress as that at Disney either. No. They just wear normal clothes. They wouldn't even know. You're not allowed to dress as 9-11 the musical they've even if you're twins a big play i saw an amazing comic at edinburgh fringe do you know mary beth barone no she's so funny and she did this amazing bit about like like you know you watch chernobyl and there's all these people with

english accents and she's like so i want to do uh like a show about 9-11 but with australians and it's just like oh no oh it's falling what's the last musical you guys went to see because i know adam's a massive fan you're not that fussed i don't think it counts if you say booker mormon because it's a cool one it does it does i don't think it's still a western play or a because it's a cool one it does it does that's still a West End play or a Broadway play yeah but it's a it's one of the cool ones isn't it

they're all cool that's what I went to see was Chicago so good no that's a lie I went to see Dear Evan Hansen loved it I loved it

I thought it was so emotional and powerful but the film is so dog shit yeah I imagine it is it's devastating because it's like the play is fucking incredible Hamilton shit on Disney Plus

it's not shit it's just nowhere near as good Hamilton's just shit it isn't it's fantastic it's the best play is on disney plus it's not shit it isn't it's fantastic let's do this yeah it's really good yeah waving through a window i love it dirty dancing was good i haven't seen dirty dancing dancing was good yeah i went to see pretty woman like me and my mate were trying to decide like which like quote-unquote shit musical to go see but we went on a friday night in london to see um pretty woman and it was just absolute just a trash up from ken but i but alcohol and nostalgia make it fun i i like dirty dancing is a film that i don't think i've watched but because i've got a younger sister i've watched accidentally so many you know what i mean like it's one of them

he sat down and watched it by himself hasn't he yeah i haven't just left me we were just hammered and it was funny like i feel like you need a bit of that i'm a bit wary of these new musicals i'm like i don't know these songs or stories i'm sorry to be a that's probably the worst i like going to a musical knowing nothing about it yeah right like not even knowing the story i coming out t-shirt fucking soundtrack yeah genuinely i mean that was what backfired when i went to see chicago as you all know and as people find out in the set i'm putting together at the minute i knew nothing about chicago you're doing a stand-up set about musical theater i'm doing a stand-up set about the next girlfriend who i went to see chicago with no you had a breakup at chicago no several days before

and after sort of thing it was jording as well so he can't tell you the story because it's gonna be in a set yeah i'll tell you yeah that's good i haven't really seen you this year so you don't know the story no i don't i don't love it you're gonna be really excited i do like people getting heartbroken yeah it was awful at the time does bring me joy favorite favorite disney film ever what's the one what's your what's the one you you go to yeah toy story is it yeah i can get it it is so good unbelievable but also fox and the hound absolutely kills me rogue one but i forgot that exists that's good i actually on beatable oh sorry very old it's a fox and hound is old no have you seen fox and the hound exists and that's good. Lion King's unbeatable though. Sorry. Very old. Fox and the Hound is old. No,

have you seen Fox and the Hound 2? That's new though. It's not new. It's so cute. It's like a story about the trials and tribulations of fame

and friendship. Fox and the Hound 2. Direct to VHS was it? Yeah, straight to DVD, STD. Yeah, DVD,

STD, yeah. I love those Disney sequels that aren't proper sequels. There is a Lion King one and a half, isn't there? Yeah. They're not, they never went, Aladdin 2 is like, what is it?

Something about Jafar. The Return of Jafar. The Return of Jafar. Yeah. There's Lion King 2 and 3 though. Yeah. Yeah, but they're not proper. What do you mean?

Lion King 2 is a proper. No, Lion King's defo proper. Got a full cinematic release. And then Disney knock out some sequels. No, 2 and 3 went to the cinema. And they followed Hamlet as well. One and a half never. Oh, right.

But 2 and 3 were... One and a half's the dodgy little ladder. Yeah, 2 and 3. Like, 2's about Simba's kid and Scar's kid becoming mates and that. And then he's a little bastard Scar's kid, obviously, because he's fucking Scar's kid, isn't he? Oh, my God.

Calm down and hug each other. You're so angry about that. Scars Lion King. Scar is amazing. What's the best Toy Story? It's one, isn't it? Four. I really like four.

Four. I know. Don't get me started on this. It is fucking incredible. It's two, maybe, but it's definitely one. Really? Yeah. I asked someone last week who their favourite Harry Potter is.

Do you like Harry Potter I don't like Really watch it Like I didn't read The Chamber of Secrets And the first part Of the Deathly Hallows Seneca's favourite ones

I nearly left Mine's changed from Goblet to Prisoner of Azkaban Yeah mine's Prisoner of Azkaban Yeah go to the film Get into Harry Potter Well better than that Why are you saying it like that

I'm telling you My sister just rung me She's going to Harry Potter The studio's tour Next month And she's really excited and she's really excited i went to the day it opened is how's that gonna look 41 years old i have got to take my family haven't i that's is that gonna be all right or we can go together we'll go to that and then kylie can i get enough i think you can just go you can go any age well just just if you if you can't go to Disney. You can go to Disney. No, Harry Potter's different.

Harry Potter's fun for all the family. Right. So is Disney. Do you not like roller coasters? No. Do you not like nice snacks? I do like nice snacks, of course. Loads of nice snacks at Disney.

Yeah. Not like roller coasters, though. Well, you don't have to go. You can hold the coats. I don't want to do that. That's like the shittest ride ever, isn't it? Well, then go on the Dumbo ride, Where it just goes up And goes round and round I found the best thing

So have you ever Sorry Keep going Run with it Right My favourite thing to watch At the moment on YouTube Is Disney vlogs

I love them So they're just people That go to like Disney Every single weekend I think it's because They don't like have Medical healthcare for the brain What's it called

Mental health services in America So people just sort of Like lose their minds And they go we'll go disney every weekend on a season ticket you can't surely can't season ticket yeah season ticket come on and um they all live around it and they go every weekend and they're like always like really young really fun and they just try all the new snacks try all the rides give loads of tips and stuff and it's just lush sounds incredible and then sound incredible but then what's even better is as other people have started doing it now because there's a massive market for it so then when i before i was going to disney in paris i was like oh god i really hope i haven't gained so much weight that i can't fit on the

rides it's like the ultimate fear for like anyone who's fat it's like you're gonna get turned away or something so i typed in like disney for plus size people there's two northern northern people from like your north and they're like lancaster like game of thrones no yeah yeah yeah yeah there's impotence and they're basically winterfell this couple who were trying to do like disney vlogs for plus size people we go disneyland paris free time of year we don't have kids and then it's just them going around and it's the man who's got the camera. And he's like, she's like a size 26. She's a big lass. We're going to see what she fits into there. And then the whole vlog is him trying to like wedge her into the Dumbo ride.

Being like, usually we come on a quieter day. But we've got to try and fit in a Dumbo together. I don't think it's going to happen. It's so lush. Like they just say try so hard. Is this in Paris? They are not going to fly over every weekend. No, apparently the American ones, they have like a fat row. Yeah. Yeah. lush like they just say is this in paris is they are not going to fly every weekend no apparently

the american ones they have like um like a fat row yeah yeah oh i want to watch fat northern people struggle to get in and out of rides did they do like alton towers and thought park or is it just disney it was just disney you're stuck in the teacups they're disney fans they're season ticket holders they do dream wakes away twice a year Once in the cup Yeah It is magical though It's my favourite thing I want to watch Fat Northern people

Try and get in and out Of everything It sounds like Fucking exceptional content Have you been to Florida? Never no It's my dream Is to get there

I want to go Tokyo, Florida and Paris You live my life Yep No I've done Tokyo Sea and regular That's four actually Stop So I want to go to Florida Disney You live my life Yep No I've done Tokyo Sea And regular Stop

So I want to go to Florida Disney Which is Disney World But I don't want to just go Because I'm going all that way I then also want to go to Dolly Parton's theme park

Dollywood Which is in Nashville Dollywood yeah I really want to go there It's tricky isn't it There's a lot to try and fit in We're going to Nashville Oh we're going to Nashville

You're not going to Dollywood are you Can we go to Graceland We are now just to annoy you Don't go to Do and fit in. We're going to Nashville. Oh, we're going to Nashville? You're not going to Dollywood, are you? Can we go to Great Slump? We are now, just to annoy you. Don't go to Dollywood without me. We're going dressed as Moana. Yeah.

You're not allowed in Dollywood dressed as a Disney princess if you're a 41-year-old English guy. I bet Dolly Parton would be an absolute babe about it. Yeah. Also, that isn't the problem about you dressing up with Moana. You know that, right?

I need to know that you know that. It's all jokes. But I need to know that you know that. It's mainly a comedy podcast okay well i haven't laughed oh dear well i blame carl i'm keeping this insane train on the tracks actually what are you kidding this has been like solid chat the whole way through exactly helen any anything sexual about the disney thing because obviously it's all wholesome, you're into it, but if you ever did any role play and a guy was like,

I'm kind of into Disney as well, and you were like, what? I mean, you know full well that this is me. Any sort of fancy dress. I think if I had to insert myself sexually into the Disney films, I would then consider my vagina, like the two labia lips and the clit as the three aliens and then his mouth being the claw. That would be how I'd sexually see it.

That's how I think of your vagina. So I would dye my pubes green. Green, thank you. Would have got that. And then stick on googly eyes and then the claw would be the mouth. And just decorate the bedroom as Pizza Planet. Probably, yeah.

What do they say again? I'll have the best night of my life. what do the aliens say again um you saved our lives you've got to say that sexually though with disney how would you see yourself so wait one second i think it would be far too fast an answer as well i just want to fuck snow white she's 12 she is not she is is she? Yeah I'll wait a bit then She's probably She's probably old now That's a hell of a role play isn't it?

Give it four years You're fucking getting it Four years That's still grim Gross Eight years No it would have to be ten wouldn't it? After age plus seven

Ten years You're gonna wait Yeah Just stay dressed like that For a decade I don't want you going Anywhere near her There's no way I swear on behalf Of the whole princess community Which I now consider myself Just stay dressed like that for a decade. I don't want you going anywhere near her.

I swear on behalf of the whole princess community, which I now consider myself a part of. Snow White is 12. She's a baby. Google it, Google it. She's young, she's young. Sorry guys, do you know what I was talking about? The whole Disney role play thing.

Wasn't actually getting you to fuck a 12 year old. She's 14. Okay, 14. Still illegal. When he said Snow White though the prince was 31 oh oh dear different time

and he only meets her when she's fast asleep and he goes you know what she's perfect yeah but that's your dream she's she's unconscious

I'll take her who's the worst Disney princess who's the one you dislike the most there must be one the one that I dislike the most

oh no don't that's awful you've got awful you've got one you've definitely got one it was a i think why are you on the basis don't you dare why because i'm so above this shitty little town i'm dead clever i read books and everything these are just fucking scum that go drinking fuck off no she's the ugly fella yeah that's how you they want you to see it i'm looking at it from a different perspective. She's sucking animals off?

She thinks she's better than everyone. She doesn't suck them off until he becomes an actual human prince, okay? I think she thinks she's better than everyone. Also, don't judge people that like dogs, okay? I'm a dog person. He's a dog. The beast is a dog.

Is he? For all intents and purposes. All in this context, it's a good thing to call yourself a dog person. He's a lion to me. Is that a big lion, man? I think. How would...

Okay. So you want to sleep with Snow White. No, not now that I know. Okay. Good? Yeah. I honestly couldn't pick the worst Disney princess. Okay, who's not your favourite?

Pocahontas. I love Pocahontas. Who else is there? Ariel. Love Ariel. Moana. Love her. Is she on?

Love her, yeah. Cinderella. Like her. Oh, I think that was the... Yeah, it was love, but like... I think she's a bit whingy. There we go. We're near picking it, aren't we?

At the beginning. We've got a list. A bit whingy. Let me get the list up. Disney princesses. Can I just say before we we do this i think they're all babes and i believe her yeah but there's going to be one here that you change your mind on jasmine okay no jasmine's great tiana love tiana she cooks rapunzel great really yeah really yeah she stands up to her mom and she kills people with a frying pan. She's fucking fire. It's an excellent Disney. It really is.

Tangled. Tangled, yeah. Fantastic. Very underrated. I think it should have got the hype that Frozen got. Discuss Belle. I don't think we've ever talked about one subject

for as long on Have A Word Ever. We all love it. Is it Merida? Merida. Don't make out you don't know how to say it. Brave. It's incredible.

Brave is a modern classic. Love Mulan. And then we talked about the rest. I do like Mulan, actually. She's great. What's Tiana? Oh, Princess and the Frog. Yeah, she's a babe.

It's not great. It's not one of the best, is it? Honestly, they're all good. This is the good thing about Disney. Everything's amazing. What about the live? What's your thoughts on the live action stuff? In general, terrible. Shit. Stupid stupid draw the fucking lion draw it just

draw it calling it in i don't need this cgi shite are you a director go on should we give him a minute just to discuss lion king because i feel like you just keep coming back to it and it's like let's just like just when i'm thinking dis, I'm thinking Lion King. It's the only one I watch like four times a year. Okay. Like it's. Ah, the summer king.

And now the, the leaves are changing colour. The autumn lion. I did watch it last week because we got a new king and I was reminded it exists. Can I make a recommendation for you? Mate,

do you have to be proper like special needs? We're like, yeah, I'm watching this funeral now we've got a new king stick it on turn the funeral off

stick the Lion King on but I know like every word to every song from the Lion King can I recommend then you listen to it in German it is incredible

Scar's song Be Prepared it's called Seidbereit Seidbereit. Seidbereit. You know, it's fucking incredible. It's really intense and I think you'd really enjoy it.

But you'd love it. You'd love it. German Disney. My favourite song from it is I Just Can't Wait To Be King. Yeah. I just picture myself as Simmer. I have a problem where

when I watch stuff, I put myself in it. Oh, me too, me too, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I am Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Like, it's happening to me. to me too yeah i mean like i am keanu reeves in the matrix like it's happening to me do you know what i mean i am keanu reeves in lion king took the wrong pill there keanu you know i've never seen the matrix i've got no idea what's happening well it's definitely not because i get it because i get the matrix i never watched it oh she don't want to ruin her well i get it because neo's the one

n-e-o-o-n-e yeah i didn't even get that and i've seen oh my god literally can i just say watched the matrix so many times i didn't know i'm gonna be a mighty king have you ever listened to the Beatles in German never have you ever seen

Jojo Rabbit yes of course there's German Beatles in that is there is there really are they singing it I don't know

but it's on my Spotify playlist I don't know if it's them or maybe it's like a cover but there's German Beatles it's great I bet it is sick

sorry I'm just thinking like how did you never realize that neo was the one i honestly it's same never but it's something about taking a pill isn't a great film though great film thank you yeah the pill the well done on you did you win the oscar for that i don't remember oh you didn't work on it i can see a phonetic problem With a lot of Germans Shouting ja Jude It's not one of the songs Also because you wouldn't Pronounce it Jude You'd pronounce it the other way

Which is But actually no It's good if they're saying Like yeah You know like woo It's better It's better Things have changed

Things have changed Well they're going Unless they're putting After Malice It's gone dark again In Germany guys Ja yes Jews Get in Get in They're going, yeah, no, yeah. Unless they're putting up them while they're saying it. It's gone dark again in Germany, guys. Ah, yes. Jews, get in.

Get in. Oh! My grandparents would fucking love this. If they weren't in prison. What is... That's nice, isn't it? I don't know it a bit of fun where did they what where did they work i just you know what we'll leave that one

no they didn't they didn't they didn't my grandparents were already over in the uk we're good we're clean yeah okay turn the check i'm never doing who do you think you are like there is no way any like every country in the world is who do you think you are apart from Germany

because every person that get on it they go one generation back and they're like oh no no no no no everything is good

everything is good this is your mother and we'll leave it there thank you for joining in everything is good we found our mum and then we have our grandmother

Oh shit Was that a good German accent? Yeah it was good This is your mother This is your father This is your sister Your brother And where is she?

For Jennifer We're doing Oktoberfest Yes she told me Some Lederhosen I'm gonna look good in Lederhosen Come on I can pull that off You can pull off lederhosen

you know what's great about lederhosen is it can't be culturally appropriate because it's never racist because the Germans in our head are white so we're allowed to wear their cultural garb what about all the Mexican attire we wore for Cinco de Mayo well if you're doing it with a love

and a celebration for the culture we are celebrating then anything's fine do you know what wait until you see the Chinese New Year lock-in it's gonna be great don't want Year lock in don't want to see that don't want to see that one that one I'll give

a really good miss actually come as Mulan Mulan in German actually is really good as well Zayin man Mulan isn't there lots of

cultural appropriation in Mulan they get Japanese and Chinese that was way too scouse for me I won't lie the beginning of that

I just did not understand it isn't there lots of cultural appropriation within Mulan between japanese and chinese culture getting mixed oh yeah i read something about this but i'm very ignorant to japanese and chinese culture in general i wish she's german she's german by the way she's if you've never seen her second name on the text you'll see it it's not english it's it's not english but you were that desperate to have women on you're like we'll take a foreign one i'm also english so okay yeah thank you you go back to germany much

i haven't been back in a couple of months but yeah usually i go like three times a year i haven't seen me dad for a couple of months no i go back quite a bit yeah but i gig there still so in german no english now just english i've never done it in german i did when i lived there and i started doing stand-up but we're talking like 2015 that's cool yeah yeah yeah but now i'm just touring like my show so it's going to be english language and stuff yeah but it's great so you've actually got german dates on your i'm just doing berlin for this one because my first tour right so it's great. I love it. So you've actually got German dates on your tour. I'm just doing Berlin for this one because it's my first tour, right?

So it's like very small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we were like, let's just do Berlin. But I do think going forward, it would be nice to go around, like at least that area of Germany, like do like Leipzig, Dresden, Hamburg. I don't know how well people know Germany,

but like that top corner. Helen, that has got to be filmed. You've got to be filming. Like that's the most original, like you're half German. Yeah. you're going to do your first tour in in venues around germany no just going to berlin this time no but i mean if you did a random german tour that'd be fucking amazing content but it feels like it sounds amazing maybe right now but like my friends in germany are touring it constantly right so it's not like that big a deal also everyone goes to berlin now on their tours like all the big american comics

and stuff like it's not uncommon still quite young in europe though isn't it in european countries it is like it's compared to here yeah berlin is quite a new scene because it's to get like political it's like in east germany so like they only got like their own tv tower and stuff that wasn't russian in the 90s so like they don't have this backlog of sort of like comedy on tv because it was all in like way in the west in cologne so now it's sort of like it's coming up they've now got comedy central deutschland but it's already moved to austria because like it's just easier for people so but it's getting there but yeah it is definitely a new scene and when born in the noughties when does the tour start next week okay so like september the 28th or something okay and where can you get tickets from manchester oh düsseldorf cologne i'm trying to do a plug for

you see you're doing a really good job of plugging me you can get tickets from my website which is helenbauer something.co.uk Is it? I don't know. We're going to do a chat. Helen Bauer. What is it? Helen Bauer.co.uk Yes, that's me. You are. This is so,

I know it's a nice website, isn't it? It is. What a wonderful website. Yeah, here it is. This is all the dates. Starting the 28th in Edinburgh. I know, so stupid, isn't it? Do a month at the Edinburgh Fringe

and go straight up to Edinburgh again. Why are you even doing an Edinburgh date? I don't know. That's so Edinburgh date? I don't know. That's so fucking stupid. I don't know. This is my first tour. I don't fucking know what I'm doing, do I? Helen, you've nailed this.

You're doing a tour that's got Aberystwyth and Berlin in the same tour. Aberystwyth, Shrewsbury. There's some good old venues on there. They're really good. They're nice clubs, aren't they? I love the Glee Clubs, but I've never done Hyde Park Book Club before in Leeds.

It's a nice venue, that. It's lovely. Hot Water in Liverpool on the 23rd of October. Hot Water's horrible. The men that hang out there are awful. They are. So please come and make it friendly for me. It's the best.

I've just started the tour. I'm six states in. It's absolutely amazing. It's so fun doing your own show. I'm excited to do it. I'm just sort of like aware that I've been told that first tours can be very humbling. Yes.

Right? That's fine. Have you got a support act? Yes. For most of the dates I do have a support act, yeah. Do you know Chelsea Birkby? No. She's a fucking amazing comedian.

She's so funny. She's so lovely. She's based like just outside of Oxford. I don't think she's got an agent or anything, but she should. She's fucking brilliant. Yeah, she's great. Money. Money.

Am I paying her money? No, she's got a bit of anything, but she should. She's fucking brilliant. Yeah, she's great. Money. Money. A bit of money. Am I paying her money? No, she got a bit of money. She doesn't have a lot of money. I used to be outside Oxford. I'm paying for her hotels. Okay, cool. I'm a nice person. I pay for Carl's hotels

because he tour managed for me, by which I mean, I just booked twin rooms. You guys. We share the room in every city in this country. Pinky and the brain need the same room. I mean, I'm staying with friends when I can. And like anywhere that's like Maidenhead,

I'm going back to London for the year. Where are you staying tonight? Blade. Same as we do every night, Pinky. It's the same. I think it's a while since you've seen that show. Pinky and the Brain. Also, we've not talked about that for 40 minutes.

It's Jonathan Ross. It's Joe Pasquale, isn't it? Hello, Brain. Pinky and the Brain. Jonathan Ross and Brain. Pinky and the Brain. What we're doing to mine now. That's Chopra Squally, isn't it? Hello, brain. Pinky and the brain. Jonathan Ross and brain. Pinky and the brain. What we're doing tomorrow night, it's...

That's Chopra Squally. That is Chopra Squally. Go on, do your pinky impression. I can't. Doesn't mean you can. Simon Cowell can't sing. Hang on. From before.

Let me do my Matthew impression. What we're doing tomorrow night, but it's for everyone. It's for everyone, mate. Don't worry about it. That's a fucking good pinky impression. Let's watch it in the interval. All right.

Have a break. What's happening? We're having a break. Oh, good, yeah. That was weird, man. Oh, that was the weird bit. What's happening, lads? Manscaped have sent us a new advert read-through,

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Yeah. You have a podcast of your own. Why do you say it like that? Podcast. Yes, I do. It's called Trusty Hogs and i do it with katherine bohart who's also been on this yeah yeah she's great we're super into it we're super into it and we also sent you guys loads of messages when we were starting up about how

you do a podcast and then discounted most of the good information you gave us and how's it going it was too much work some of the stuff you were saying you were like we're not doing that that's mad like that is like you, all you need to do basically is just get your childhood best friend. And it's like, we're not doing that. Like, that was a good impression. That was Welsh. That wasn't, that was a proper good scouse.

All you need to do is get your childhood best friend. That's a good pinky. Questions? Questions. Questions. Hugh from Cardiff asks, I want to take my missus away for a weekend break, but want to do it somewhere a bit more original

than like Barcelona, Rome or Paris, et cetera. Got any ideas for a boss weekend away that's not the usual standard European city break? Basra. Basra. I was going to say Basra. Where's Basra? Basra?

Iraq. Iraq. Oh, no, don't go there. Why? They're having troubles, aren't they still? Oh, you've heard? That was a silly suggestion That was a bad suggestion

Actually that was a war I've only just got into war recently And they're having a horrible time over there They are I'd give that one a miss Over in the Middle East Having a horrible time Because I just watched Band of Brothers for the first time

Awful Awful You've seen Saving Private Ryan? Aw yeah awful i knew world war one was bad because i'd seen 1917 yeah and then i thought oh well world war ii will be different because it's the second time having a go at it it'd be better yeah awful got worse actually i had a horrible time of it in both of them what's wrong with andrew garfield when he saves all. Spider-Man. Is it bad as well? I love that. That's the way your head worked.

I saw Ridge. The first war, I mean, that was bad. So by the time they have the second, they must have worked out that shooting people is awful. You'd work out the kinks, wouldn't you? Yeah, you'd be like, let's have a war, but less dead people, eh? Yeah, let's make this less insane.

That was the Cold War, wasn't it? When they were just sending emails to each other. I learned that recently. Yeah. People must have died. people eh that was the cold war wasn't it when they were just sending emails to each other I learned that recently someone's eaten my fucking pasta it was all passive aggressive where do you

reckon I've heard Reykjavik could be a beautiful Reykjavik could be a bit of an

alternative one it's very expensive it depends when you go I go January to April hey shout out everywhere's fucking expensive like my co-op in sorghum's fucking ridiculous isn't you can get a pint and a prostitute for under a tenner there you go lovely break for you and your girlfriend see i'd say just go to a non-main city like there's loads of places like in France, in Germany and stuff like that. Warsaw. Warsaw. Warsaw. Warsaw.

Warsaw or Walsall. Walsall. Walsall is a capital though. Go to Krakow or something. Capital. Non-main city. 10 miles from Birmingham. Walsall.

Oh, Walsall. There's a level of retarded I can't quite handle and we're near it. Walsall. No, Walsall. Chillingham. What's wrong with Chillingham? Everything. Literally everything. Yeah I wouldn't do a weekend away in Kent. He's asking anywhere

that's got good stuff going on. It's a tourist place isn't it? You're absolutely right. I'm right. I know I'm right. Not Walsall. Go to Dubrovnik. Dubrovnik. That's. I just went to Croatia. It's so good. Yeah but I went. That's one of the good ones. But Split is great as well i went to split too this is fucking we are fucking we've always played we haven't always no we know and but it is good croatia is a really good weekend away where's that uh it's in goal oh splits splits great yeah yeah splits good but just don't go to the capital city go to like Marseille Bordeaux

never been but sounds good wine o'clock yeah past wine or Berlin I'll always do a shout out for Berlin

it's good it's cheap yeah go to Berlin because you're looking for somewhere different that no one goes to go to Berlin loads of nice cities

in Germany go to Aberystwyth on which date oh yeah I'll be in Aberystwyth come to Aberystwyth when I went to Split I had a bowl of prawns

as a dessert because I didn't fancy anything sweet story that means there's the best museum in Split as well it's called Froggyland and it's

be respectful I've been yeah it's got over a hundred dead stuffed frogs in different dioramas doing different things and it's just incredible

it's wonderful when were you in Split er August last year oh I remember you went on your holy bobs yeah yeah nice different dioramas doing different things and it's just incredible it's wonderful when were you in Split? August last year oh I remember you went on your holly bobs yeah yeah nice

you went to the Dead Frog Museum went to the Dead Frog Museum for reals though yeah yeah Froggyland that's all they've got no

no it's really good why would you you don't walk past the museum of dead frogs and not give a fucking look in yeah but how did you come back from a holiday and not talk about

Froggyland on the podcast? There's so much more to talk about. No, there's not. It's incredible. Me and Catherine spoke about it at length on our podcast. Wow.

Because it's incredible. Are they real frogs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're stuffed, yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. There was a little restaurant I went to.

It was a seafood place and the menu is handwritten. And they write everything on it that they've caught that morning. Stop. It's that fresh. And that's why I have my bowl of prawns. What did I mean?

When I said not Warsaw, did I mean Krakow? That's what I meant. Krakow. Yeah, that's a great one. Because I went mental then. I was like, don't go to the capital. Go to a completely different country. I'd say Krakow's quite a sombering weekend away, though.

You don't have to go to camp, though. You kind of have to go to the camps. No, you don't. You have to go on the booners, mate. You have to get on the beers. You don't have to go to it. You kind of have to go to the camps. I wouldn't you have to go on the booners mate you have to get on the beers you don't have to go you kind of have to go to the camp i wouldn't go no but you do because of guilt but we sorry oh my bad i wouldn't go the worst thing is i want i went on a school trip to auschwitz when i was at school and you got recognized and yeah actually i will

say this it was fucking insane so i was like your grandmother everyone's surname is bauer so all the fucking guards were surnames were bauer they all look like me and i was like showing off as we were doing our coach through germany that i could speak german and like so then we got there and it was all of a sudden like i don't want to fucking be german now but it's already too late everyone already thinks you're a nazi but then i wanted to do a show about it going on a school trip to outfits because there's comedy in it yeah like not the holocaust not funny but like going on a school trip to it when you're 14 mad choice but then i couldn't do it because my venue at edinburgh was bunker too and it just everyone just freaked out a little bit you can't

do it it's too much but next year i'm in the attic so you went on a school trip thank you adam rowan that was an absolute peach um but you you went on a school trip yeah to uh auschwitz dachau and bergen and in your head you were like guys this is the time i should show you all my german oh yeah because we were on a coach from fleet, where I'm from, to Poland. And you go through Germany. And I was like, I'll order for everyone. Like, it's your turn to get inside Big Mac. Order at 12 sandals. And then they were like, oh my God, you're amazing. And I was like, yeah, I'm fucking sick.

And then we get to the camps and it's just all of a sudden the worst thing ever. Awful. You're just there eating the saddest McDonald's ever. And I should have known what was happening because our teacher wanted us to be mentally prepared to see the death camps. So on the way-

How old were you? 14. And on the coach journey to Auschwitz, we watched Schindler's List and The Pianist and then Legally Blonde for balance. Yeah, because everyone was crying. Everyone was just getting a bit like- Oh, he's all obsessed.

Come on, we'll put Ratatouille on. Have everyone lost that. Would it have been illegal to not be blonde? Carl. I want... For the teaser, can you just clip up all your absolute fucking gems from today? That was good, that one.

I also know a lot about Hitler, so... Aliens? Blonde? No, but the aliens. Do you know he had the funny little moustache? correct i listened to an eight-part podcast about hitler and how scary is this so you know it's really common in comedy like poverty pawning so like people pretending they're from like a more working class background than they are because they feel like they're ticking a box that way or like over sort of egging things it's really common hitler was the first one

that did that because he pretended that he like his book was called mein kampf like my struggle and all about how he's like working class it's really tough for him but when he was living in vienna his mum paid his rent and paid for him to go to the opera and stuff and he just never admitted it i don't like him anymore i'm done with the hitlers actually lord god thank you so much for bringing that to light. You're welcome. Oh, listen to Trusty Hogs, but do you also listen to the Real Dictators podcast?

It's very good. Is that yours? No. But you want to do one about Hitler? I think Hitler's a fascinating conversation topic. But you know a lot about him. Yeah. Why don't we do it together?

We can call it Educating Adam. Like Educating Rita, but with me. Stop stop it and i'd be the educator yeah no i just i feel like i couldn't what's your favorite hitler fact that one i just told you it that's the favorite one no well i don't know he was sleeping with his niece that was like his main love of his life and the others in the alberola apparently as well not true i've also heard a lot Wars. I love it when people do that. Not true actually.

Not true. Here too, I checked. In Argentina in the 90s. No, you only have one ball. No,

two World Wars and one World Cup. Huh? Hitler's got one bollock. Yeah, that's your song but I don't think anyone checked.

No, we've got two World Cups. There's no smoke without fire. What happened to his body actually? He got bin Laden. He got bin Laden. Oh, was it? Like dropped in the ocean in bala lake in north wales quite the distance to travel

bin laden got bin bagged was he chucked in a bin bag wasn't he just i think he was just shot into the ocean i actually like to believe that he went to argent Argentina and just relaxed and retired. Relaxed. Done enough, me. I gave it a good go. Tried to fix the world. No one had fucking listened. You know what, Hitler is our last conviction politician. The Erskine relative as well.

Helen of all the people. No, we didn't. Yes, you did. Did he? A nephew who lived on Stanhope Street. Yeah, because we did it. Because me and Carl host a quiz once a month And we wrote a question about it That was one of the questions

Yeah So we wrote a question about it So we know Willy Hitler His name was He lived on Stanhope Street Willy Hitler Yeah

He only had one Willy That's his earliest name He did only have one Willy It was his nephew And is this Did he like have kids So they're still like Hitler's running around in Liverpool

I don't know if he stayed here They banned the surname didn't they They're the Johnsons now Willy Johnson You just don't want to be called here. They banned the surname, didn't they? They're the Johnsons now. Willie Johnson. You just don't want to be called Hitler, do you? Like, that's just the worst surname.

It's suspicious of all Johnsons. Then again, when I was doing a gig somewhere, like, I think Dusseldorf, on the building, on the nameplate outside of it, one of our neighbours was called Goebbels,

and I was like, you'd change that one as well, wouldn't you? That's quite uncommon as well, surely. Goebbels is not the most common surname, no. Like, you'd change it.

Yeah, because most people changed it, I bet. The most common surname no like you'd change it yeah because most people changed it I bet most common surname was Hamidli my family didn't change their surname was there a Bauer that was no there were Bauer Nazis but there wasn't like a famous Bauer Nazi okay good there was a famous Bauer Nazi? No there wasn't I don't think

yeah but you would say that wouldn't you yeah I haven't googled it have I no you don't want to go on that watch list don't google it! on that watch list. Don't Google it! Who was the other one? Gable's usually one. Heimler, Himmler.

Heimler, Himmler. What's his name? Himmler? Himmler. Hilfer. Wasn't he like... That was like Rudolf Hess. Was he a big one? You punch Rudolf.

That's whenever I gig with Adam Hess. Fucking ruined Christmas. Look, we could be here for hours listing famous nazis educating adam it wasn't that bad lads great podcast uh nick strong says hi lids there's a comedian hunger games you have to pick one comedian to compete within the games but the only rule is they can't be a member of the have a word team who would you pick and why keep smashing it the new studio looks boss nick from birmingham ricky grover the hunger games

talk me through talk me through the horror okay so you all go into an arena together and it's the last person to be alive at the end of it but they also you've got to kill each other but you've also there's like challenges like natural things like you could die of starvation or thirst or like whatever as well. It's a last man standing. You can hide though. You can hide and win. You know what I mean?

You don't have to kill. You could hide and win. That means the last person would have to kill themselves or die of exposure. Or you could pick someone who is, you know, like maybe it would be unfair

to attack them. Someone who's like disabled or something and you just be like, I'm their carer and you can't hit them because they're in a wheelchair. You can't hit them. Someone who's disabled or something, and you'd just be like, I'm their carer, and you can't hit them because they're in a wheelchair. You can't hit them. Yeah, but if you're hungry enough, I reckon.

I'd pick a fighter. Right. For sure. That's why I went for Ricky Grover. Within the Hunger Games... It's not about being hungry. He used to do the same thing years ago, but he's an actor as well,

and he's a very EastEnders bad guy looking guy. It's a metaphor, Dan, because everyone who competes is part of the is all impoverished it's not about being impoverished oh I thought you just had to fight for your team

because if you win you then become like part of this insanely you get given a massive house and like yeah you live forever so you're fighting for your food essentially

that's why it's called The Hunger Games it's like a reality show where they kill each other yeah right so it's good games I've never seen The Hunger Games it's incredible

no it's so good it sounds like Roman it's like Battle Royale yeah yeah yeah Battle Royale it's good games I've never seen the Hunger Games it's incredible no it's so good it sounds like Roman it's like Battle Royale yeah yeah yeah or Battle Royale it's that but like the updated version

with kids with kids Ricky Grover I don't think he's too old though now I think he's too old who's Ricky Grover is he from EastEnders

I think there's I think there's comedians that I'd pick ahead of Ricky Grover I think he's old man Dave Longley Ricky Grover's 60 now I think John Bishop

would be pretty pretty nifty he'd be very slow see I actually might pick someone who's super smart so then they can do all the survival stuff

someone who could be tactically smart because I think I'd be so panicked and stressed it'd be nice to have someone oh Catherine Bowhart I'll just go for Catherine

Derren Brown he's funny he's not a comedian you can't have Derren Brown why because he's not a comedian but he can convince you that he is one oh fair i think he's convinced you that he's one i'm convinced but then also you'd be paranoid the whole time because you'd be like are we actually in the hunger games or is this just one of derren brown's tv shows so how is jennifer lawrence won the hunger games then because she's boss.

Because her and Peter decided to kiss and then tried to do a suicide pact and then they both won. Then he hides and his head's all mad. Yeah.

That's basically the whole film. We can't ruin this for you. You really want to watch it. I want to watch Ricky Grover fight Jennifer Lawrence. Do you want to put it into film then?

And like, you know, I don't think Bruce Willis would have took down the whole of Nakatomi Tower on his own either. Is it really called Nakatomi Tower? yeah touche sir touche and i want you to say more japanese sounding words in that accent say pokemon pokemon nice that's not as good as nakatomi what about fuk Fukushima Fukushima I love it I play Pokemon

with some teenagers in Fukushima most days I play Pokemon with some teenagers in Fukushima most days yeah

we talk about Nakatomi Tower I thought that was an actual statement I do I play on Pokemon Go I'm like friends with loads of teenagers

in Japan I thought you were giving me a sentence to say no isn't Fukushima where the no I genuinely

play with them hang on on my pokemon is it still 2015 what are you doing on fucking pokemon 2022 but why are you on pokemon go i'm a legacy player now isn't that where the uh nuclear thing was fukushima with the hiroshima yeah no when the tsunami caused a nuclear accident in fukushima well they kept on sending Pokemon gifts. Maybe they are Pokemon now. Yeah maybe they are.

But yeah no I'm a legacy player so I'm I refuse to play any Pokemon that has more than the original 150. 151 in the Kanto region actually.

Bless you don't be embarrassed. Actually it's 150 and one of them is a clone and a mutant. It's called Mewtwo be respectful.

I know and it's a mutant. It's 151 in Kanto region. What about Mewtwo? That is Mewtwo. Be respectful. I know. Yeah, and it's a mutant. It's 151 on Kanto. What about Mewtwo? That is Mewtwo. That's literally what we're talking about. I've got a Mew and a Mewtwo.

Mew is the 150th Pokemon. Oh, right. Do you want to have a look at my Pokedex? Yeah. You're welcome. Sexiest thing ever. Be still my beating dick.

I'm going to love it. How many have you got? What are you doing on Pokemon Go, Helen? Fucking hell. I'm in a little group as well of comedians who play.

It's less egregious than the singing, you know, the German national anthem. Have you got Snorlax? I've got, yeah, come on,

fucking got a Snorlax, yeah. He's the goat. With a body slam and a superpower as a CP. My stress, that's combat power.

You got a favourite Pokemon? Favourite Pokemon, Lickitung. Next question, next question. One of the only bears to ever say Lickitung. Cool. I love Prime, ain't me? Lickitung. Next question. Next question. One of the only names to ever say Lickitung. Cool. I love Prime, ain't me?

Just chuck it. Cabigone is in Japan. Huh? That was a bad catch. Snorlax is called Cabigone in Japan. Is it? Yes. Are they not the same names?

No, some of them have got different names. Jigglypuff is Pudding. Pudding? I can't wait. Oh, cute. I can't wait for the Pokemon musical and then I will end my own life on this podcast. I would go to that.

Oh my God. Gonna be the very best. Like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause. I will travel across the searching far and wide. It's so cute.

Pokemon understand the power that's inside. Pokemon gotta catch them all. You and me. I know it's my destiny. Pokemon, oh you're my best friend in a world we must defend.

We have well gone beyond the Adam singing quota. This podcast has been painful. Ready? Why would you say that? Have a word. Because I'm wearing headphones, mate. I'm wearing headphones. Everyone else is having a nice time.

Yeah. And I will not stop Can we do some Have a words I'm focused Adam please stop singing It's in my ears, it's in my mind, you're in my soul How can a bastard Orphan

Son of a whore And a Scotsman You've literally got to stop singing. Please, for the love of tits. He's trying to sing the German national anthem here. Give him some respect. Don't sing the German national anthem. Don't sing that.

Why? Don't sing it. Uber Alice. Weird. Have they not changed it since all the... There's a new one, yeah. Is there? Yeah.

We are sorry for what we did. We won't do it again let us join your opinion we promise not to kill the nice people close very close it's the first football reference I've ever got in my life. I'm not wearing headphones for the rest of this episode. I'm focused. I'm focused. No, it's not that. Don't raise your hand.

Headphones sound horrific. In your ears. I've got it on. So is he. He's trying his best. Headphones. Liar. Lads, need you to have a word with my boyfriend Mark Henderson

I'm saying his name so he definitely knows this is aimed at him he needs to sort out his underwear game some of his boxers look like they should be in a fucking museum

others are tattered and ripped his tidy whiteys are stretched out and grey and when I mention it he gets dead defensive have a word

and tell him to get some new underwear PS I'm not sorting it I'm not his fucking mam um i haven't got her name i don't know why i just throw them away babe honestly i know you're saying i'm not going to sort it just chuck them just check them it's not i mean you have to buy him some when you do that don't ever throw a man's underwear away it doesn't say how long

they've been dating because i feel like that's crucial yeah because if you've only been seeing each other a month you can't throw someone's underpants away of course you can really of course you can yes hang on so if you're dating a man a month and he came in your house and threw all your underwear in the bin you go oh you're cool different different that way very different so you can have minky kn but a man can't have fucking rips in his boxers? How do you know I've got disgusting knickers? I do, but like, yeah, I know. It's fucking disgusting. Absolute state of me.

But I just think if it bothers her that much, just get rid of them. He'll go back. And like, you can buy like five, 15 packs, whatever. What do you buy them in? Five packs of boxes? Three packs of boxes? I normally get three packs of Calvin.

Calvin's are your boxes aren't thirty pound a pack you don't have to buy calvin boxes do you the most attractive ones yeah or manscaped i think if you if he's got old knackered out boxes he's obviously a bit a bit tight any because he's like well what's wrong with them if they look if they look gray and fucked up he's obviously just like well there's nothing wrong with him to then go go and spend 40 quid on Calvin Klein's

he's not going to do it is he it doesn't have to be Calvin Klein's just because you think they look the best there's a midway isn't there

go down TK Max women do like it when you've got Calvin's on though I've had compliments on me boxes before I've took me jeans off

as a woman as a woman I can tell you I couldn't give a shit it's not just about you though, is it? You don't always wear Calvin ties. You don't speak for all women. You don't wear Calvin ties all the time.

In this room, I speak for women. You don't speak for all women. I'm telling you right now, I've took me jeans off before and had women go, fucking hell, Calvin's got the key wow. Then I would like to talk to the women who are doing this because they, I don't know what they're doing. Very classy women as well. Fucking hell, get the don't know what they're doing women as well because they're so impressed because you've got designer underwear

oh adam's amazing he fit lovely as well calvin's on i mean nike thick socks great combo um do you don't always wear calvins though you literally got your your trousers off the other day and sat in this did Did you wear Calvins? No, Nike. I've got some Nikons for when I go running. Oh, for your sporty days. So you never wear them. Couldn't possibly wear my Calvins for this fucking activity. Oh, because then you get a lot of gooch sweat and then it ruins the fucking gooch bit of your knees.

I have to say, though, I'm on her side here. Sort your fucking pant game out, innit? Yeah. Come on. If you've got a girlfriend and she's whinging, why are you getting emotionally attached to your knackered out underpants wear pants no wear no wear pants just buy nice new

pants that's fine you know what so we've uh took a cleaner on for the studio because obviously we're all men and muscliffs and we don't you know i know i had to wipe dust off this when i came in and i've asked her will she do my place while she does yeah like once i dropped her off today to clean the house she's already resigned the first thing she said when she came in. And I've asked her, will she do my place while she does here? I dropped her off today to clean the house. She's already resigned. The first thing she said when she walked in, she was like,

Adam, can I have a pair of your undies? And I went, what? And she went, that's not as weird as it sounds. They just make really good cloths. Yeah. Just buy her a fucking cloth.

No, I had cloths. She had these are shite. Undies are better. That's hot. She's doing my house as well. She's not getting my undies. She's helping herself. She just walked in. She saw you flat and went, lad, can I have a pair of your undies? She's helping herself. She just walked in.

She saw your flat and went, lad, can I have a pair of your undies? Do you know how excited I get when you press that and it's not bullshit? Oh no, he believes you. Do you mean clean? Yeah, she wants a pair of undies so that she could do me windows with them.

She's not smearing. All right, all right. Oh, what kind of squeegee she can use? She doesn't need me fucking undies. No, they are good cloths. They are. So like, It's fine And also that's a way

You don't have to let go Of your old underwear Use them as cleaning cloths Hire a cleaner Beautiful Just use all your old kegs Yeah As like window wipers

Are kegs underwear Yeah Yeah use them Kegs are like jeans You can't wipe your windows With jeans Don't use jeans Suit trousers

And then New underwear Problem solved Or leave them It might not be worth it Just go down fucking Those jeans. Don't use jeans. Suit trousers. And then new underwear. Problem solved. Or leave them. It might not be worth it. Just go down fucking. Just leave them. Just Sainsbury's will do you some plain black boxer shorts.

Christmas is coming. Just leave them. Get him some undies for Christmas. But she has said she doesn't want to be his mum. And I think buying someone underwear for Christmas is such a mum move. I buy everyone undies for Christmas. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. They're in the post.

They're getting delivered from China. They'll be too small. All the days are coming. Brilliant. I can't wait. Bills. Watch out. Look around.

Stop singing. Stop. You can't sing anymore. You can get dead cheap ones and they're cool. There we go. Done. Authentic Aparel. Yeah.

They're the primer ones and they actually do a job. Yeah. They they're similar silhouette to the calvins what's your thought on men wearing actual like knicker shaped underpants couldn't give a fuck where will you want to wear it doesn't bother why would it bother me no i mean like you can see his bollocks hanging out the sides of them you don't want the only time i thought don't wear that as far as underwear goes is when my dad was still doing the speedo in the early noughties that's the only time i've been like all right michael you know like everyone else is on track all right michael as well no way such an uncommon name as well michael that was really bitchy my dad gets

called mickey two shoes by his name so my dad gets called mike not mickey two why mickey two shoes because he always wears two shoes yeah he's got a lot of special needs mates i know mick both feet fair play not even velcro so confused yeah he gets called mickey two shoes by his mates on the darts team he's lying no i'm not i think you gotta hit the button don't you yeah no i believe it that's the one i want to believe i want to believe and i haven't seen adam's dad for a while but i cannot wait to go all right mickey two shoes underwear is very important in a relationship i think yeah i do for both sex. I just don't think I'd ever... Maybe I've just never come across underwear

where I've been like, don't fucking wear that. But it doesn't bother me. I find it quite sexy if a woman wears a pair of my undies. Oh, no. Yeah. After the windows have been wiped off. You go in the cleaners. Hey, Adam, can I have a pair of your boxers?

Thanks, you love. Super bleached pubes Just falling out Jesus Christ Just your cleaner Walking around in it Don't worry These are your Nike ones

Are they used Get back And she's got your Calvins On there Fucking hell Sits out Just ass against the window Fucking hell

That's a That's a good Yeah no But you know like If you've sort of Had some Coital fun Sex You can say it You're a big boy Yeah Smashing a like, if you've sort of had some coital fun. Sex, you can say it.

You're a big boy. Yeah, smashing a pom-pom. After you've done that, right? If she says, can I have a pair of your undies to put on? I find that quite attractive. Why? I don't know. I get it.

It is. No, guys, that whole, like, we put on, like, your jumper and stuff like that. It's nice. Like the whole jacket thing we were talking about. It's cute. I like it. You wouldn't like it on me. I'd fucking ruin him

absolutely like if your dick and balls is fed into it my clit is just about cramming into it just about thumbing in my vaginal lips like tucking them in

like absolutely you think it's cute but I'd ruin that for him going forward now Steve's jacket bursting at the seams Adam's boxer shorts in tatters

just absolutely your clit's fucking hulked his pants. Now that's a look. Holy shit let's do it next time. Do it next time. Yeah yeah you bring underwear, you bring in a jacket, let's fucking do it. Do you not understand that? I said I could never put your undies on. No we have robes. Matching.

Fucking what? You are ass. Sorry! No, we have robes. Matching. Walking on. You are ass. I'm going, sorry. Don't you have just like, it's just to put on the house. Finn, Finn. You've sort of,

do you get it? Yeah. Do you get it? Yeah. She's got it all on the way. It's in like American films. They put on the boxes and they put on the shirt

and they just sort of like wander around like disheveled but hair and makeup. Put me on the gun and dribble some water into my mouth and fuck me am I a happy man. Can we do another problem?

Because this has just got really cranky. It's just got like, oh we're going to the toilet, I'm not going to walk around with my car's Calvin Klein's on for no reason. I've got a robe. All me own undies. Right. It's fucking weird cunts. No one can hear us D. One more. One more ladies and gentlemen can i go after that one yeah you can hello mates can you have a word with my husband he always

asks really nicely you just talked about summon your fucking flaps in for feminism i know you're like hang on lads this is getting a bit fucking over my line i i'm not spending another hour watching carl getting all defensive about robes you trying to sing and just to be honest finn just looking upset do you know how i roll helen i've got a dressing gown i'm trying to mend yeah we're thin and thick and toweled i've just got a fluffy dressing gown i'm not doing it i'm not doing it carl what is going on with you thin and thick if it's hot you want a thin one if it. Carl, what is going on with you? Thin and thick. If it's hot, you want a thin one.

If it's cold, you want a thick one. Have you got a kimono? When you get out of the shower? No. When you get out of the shower, I've got a kimono. Have a toweled one. I've got one from Japan,

but I've never worn it. Yeah, I've got a kimono. Do you wear it? Just stick it in your fucking underpants. I've got a lady over. Nice. Nice. I'm cooking it. You need three different things.

Sorry. Or just put your... Don't be sorry. You're fine. Or put your fellas undies on. Oh, someone's at the door. Pasha Calvin's there, things. Sorry. Or just put your... Don't be sorry. You're fine. Or put your fellas undies on. Or someone's at the door. Pasha Calvin's there, lad. Hello.

Do you wear slippers at the same time as the road? I've never worn slippers. Yeah, that'd be noncy. Or Homer Simpson's I've never worn. Hello, mates. Can you have a word

with my husband? He always asks very nicely if he can do stuff to me during sex, which sounds great on the face of it. Obviously, consent and all that. But we've been together two years, so I consent. shagging so just do stuff don't politely ask

permission like a school boy asking the teacher if he can go for a pee lots of love m well that's just that's a famous one isn't it that's when you invite a safe word you come up with a safe word so that if he feels like he needs to ask permission each time even though you believe that you've consented entirely to everything if it turns you off him asking for permission for each separate sexual act that's when you say go for it but just so you know i will make you know that i am uncomfortable with the use of a safe word which i'll say for the millionth time should be stop so much easier than coming up with a word just stop and then you're sorted no but isn't that a bit like turn off ish is the point of a safe way to be part of sex

or like you can just move on? Yeah, hang on, hang on. Safe words... Should be stop. Yeah, but they're used in like S&M games, aren't they? So someone saying stop is a turn-on. So that's why there's a safe word. Oh, is it?

Yeah. It's not just during normal sex. Huh? So it's like if you're getting tied up and whipped and stuff. Yeah. If you go, stop, stop. They don't want that as a safe word because they want they want people saying oh was that like fukushima fukushima yeah they want that no because then you make that fucking i've said that before when i've stubbed my toe i can't just gave up

but that's the answer though right then pick a different safe word but a safe word hang on kawasaki that how does a safe word duolingo how does a safe word apply to this one because then if he's worried that he's going to take it too far or that she's going to feel that she's been violated in some way and it's non-consensual but she doesn't enjoy him asking then if you agree that there will be a safe word so she will speak up if she feels uncomfortable at any point then it's sorted that's the point of a safe that's what a safe word's for yeah but then also that takes out the whole asking before each sexual act that clearly is not working for her but he wants to make sure that he is oh yeah just

asking politely if you can do something takes a lot of the passion out of it does but you know what i mean like when you're in the moment when you're in the moment there has to be some level of confidence from your partner of two years he's like can i do this and now can i do that that's i don't know if he doesn't have that confidence safe words coming into it it sounds like he's just going and can i now lick your vagina i don't see where she has to be like fukushima like i think he needs to just get on with it he needs to get on with it but then if he goes to do something that she doesn't want doing he's not ever getting anywhere near Fukushima on this one. He sounds like he's asking politely.

But it sounds like a confidence issue. It sounds like a confidence thing, right? Let's give him confidence classes. Send them in and I'll talk to him. I think you're wearing the wrong robe. I'd go thin or maybe towel. That's what you're doing? I think you've gone thick

and I think you need to go thin. Is that right, Carl? Well, you're coming into October now so a thicker one is better it's coffin season exactly you can't win a thick one in the summer

just get in there mate or she could put loads of research into it write a full script of exactly what she wants to do to her and be like I consent to this script

and then he just follows that like a to-do list but what if he's not a good actor what if he's not a good actor and he's like right hang on oh he can have a cheat sheet? What if he's not a good actor and he's like, right, hang on. Oh, he can have a cheat sheet,

have cue cards just like up behind the headboard. Like, what's number six? Who's been a naughty lady? It's you. Nice, nice. Line. Yeah, safe word. Just be autonomous.

Do it yourself until she says not to right yeah yeah be sexy own it stop being a I think the safe word's a bit

I think it's overkill in this situation no I think I love it how you thought stop was a great safe word I did that's not a good no

get off ah that hurts literally the point is so that you don't have to say that I genuinely thought I was like I don't know what safe words we I genuinely thought, I was like,

I don't know what safe words, but you can just say like stop. No, it has to be sort of non-sexual as well. But for me, stop wasn't sexy until you pointed out that it was. Yeah, but I mean, that's why normal sex doesn't need safe words, isn't it? Because it's not including like straps

and fucking, you know, belts and stuff. I don't know, in my head I was trying to think of. I'm trying to think of like a really non-sexy word now though, like mug. No, it's like a noise. You could to make that noise mug squelch although you might squelch is sexy yeah squelch squelch is sexy if someone's squelched in your ear you'd be like god

stop turning me on get off but ears are an erogenous zone. Hey. What's your favorite? Ears are an erogenous zone. Naughty. This is how I learned about sex. I was like 14. I was working in the local like civic center thing and a guy who was like 20 or something came into the office

and he went, who enjoys sex more, women or men? And I was like, I don't know, I'm 14. And he was like, women,

think about it. Put your finger in your ear, wiggle it around. What feels better? The hole of the finger. And it blew my fucking my fucking mind i actually think he's right as well i think women do enjoy sex more but men enjoy coming more men want to come women want to fuck right and also and also what i think is that story all right you were 14 and you're working at a civic center i'm fine now okay cool someone came and went let me finger your ear i'm thriving now all right cool yeah good luck with that big old clip

we don't need luck we're doing fine what's your safe word look at my massive clit that's all the safe word you ever need shall we end the episode yeah can I go yes you can thank you HelenBauer.co.uk

for tour tickets for Helen you can also check out their podcast Trusty Hogs with her and Catherine Boat which is absolutely excellent and we have got

just a few hundred tickets left for our show at the arena on Friday the 9th of December you can get them at gigsandtours.com or ticketquarter.co.uk once they're gone they're gone saturday the 1st of october i'm in colwyn bay for my second date on my tour it sold about 50 60 tickets there's about 30 left it would be nice to play out to another full room finn's mum was at the first one and she said it

was great and she actually wore some of my underpants for the whole gig she did it was really sexy and he's allergic to that imagery uh dan nightingale.com we've got song finn what is the tune it's not available on the tube because we'll get kicked off but it's on the audio podcast who are we playing out with this is a guy that kind of threatened me and pokes through the night that didn't play i have not played his song yet so i'm playing his song. It's from Honey Motel is the band. It's called Cartoons. It is a good tune

but he did come over and go why haven't you played my song? So that's it. If you want your music played on Have A Word just threaten Finn and I'm completely down with it. Stop.

Bye Helen. Bye. I educate myself on some old cartoons In preparation for the day that I leave school Keep it moving, don't lose it too soon When the preacher comes telling you to It goes over and over again When your money's up in Tokyo Won't you shiver for someone you know A holy lover that nobody knows

Fly your shots and we can start a war Watch a man over Jupiter A holy way to see it all from closer Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Separate yourself from religion too Accommodate yourself in some facetious room Tell your mother we lost you too soon Tell your mother we lost you too soon To the machine, I love one like you

When your money's up in Tokyo Won't you shiver for someone you know A holy lover that nobody knows Fire shots and we can start a war Watch the man off of Jupiter The only way to see it all from close up Gotta keep myself alive Gotta keep myself alive.

I gotta keep myself alive. I gotta keep myself alive. When your money's up in Tokyo Run your shiver for some more, you know A holy lover that nobody knows Fire shots and we can start a war Watch the man over Jupiter The holy way to see it all from close up Keep myself alive I gotta keep myself alive