Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #193 with Colum Tyrrell - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 9, 2022

Tickets for Have A Word Live at the M&S Bank Arena as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Pact Coffee | https://www.pactcoffee.com50% off your first and third order with promo code: WORD50 BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastColum Tyrrellhttps://twitter.com/columtyrrellhttps://instagram.com/columtyrrellADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. And that's how we begin. Dan?

Yes, I know. What happened outside, mate? Dan had a fall. I'm at the age now. He didn't fall over. I'm at the age. Dan had a fall. I took a fall. It took him about a minute and a half to go from upright to on.

Are you okay? Are you okay? I thought you'd stopped falling and you were okay. And you continued to fall. I was having a breather. Can't stop for a break. Halfway through a fall over. Old shit, that.

I tell you what if there'd been someone stood there that would have been one of the best slide tackles going I really got in but there was no one there it was just me

it was just me on a leaf yeah you were a slimy greasy leaf I'm gonna bribe the owners of Liverpool 1

for CCTV of that because it was fantastic it took at least 20 seconds for him to fall. What happened was you fell over and I went, quick, take a picture. Then we laughed and we went, you all right? Oh my lad.

Second time. Was it Glasgow? It was Belfast. I took a fall in Belfast, didn't I? Will, when we were walking, I just had to slide. Fourth wall. Same. Did you fall over or fall for a walking, I just had to slide. Fourth wall. Same. Did you fall over or fall for a maiden?

I just had a slide. Yeah, I fell for a maiden. Got me dicks off in Northern Ireland. I just had a little slide. I think it's them trainees. Don't know. They are flat bottomed, like. Whoa, bang my leg.

I'm just not like you. Most white bitches. Whoa, I am not flat bottomed like Most white bitches Oh I am not flat bottomed Unlike the flat What did you say white bitches White bitches have flat arses don't they Black women have big bunders Okay

I'm really glad you You dropped the bitches where you did Because you have the authority to say white bitches For some people not The second one I've been with a white bitch haven't I She was a bitch up the bitches where you did because you have the authority to say white bitches just not for some people not the second one no i've been with a white bitch haven't i she was a bitch so it gives me license forever oh she was i love jade um i'm only messing i'm messing i'm messing no i'm messing if in where the fuck have you been Yeah Pothead Starting 45 minutes late Because of you

Out there Smoking dupes I didn't see the message In the group It's alright Finn I'm just on tour You know what I mean I've taken a fall

I'm sorry Dan I've taken a fall And I'm on tour I'll make it up to you In the fall I'll make it up to you You can make it up to us By getting clean

I will Stoptober I'm sorry guys It's a rough time Yeah. Stop-tober. I'm sorry, guys. It's a rough time. Yeah. It's a rough time. I'm in trouble. We need rehab.

This is an intervention. Are you really? No. No, I... Why? It'd be so good if you were like... Can we do? Finn becomes a smack-head-tober.

Yeah. Doesn't have the same ring. Smack-tober? Smack-tober's good. The cherry. Is this for anything or just for your amusement? For content? Oh, we're filming it.

For the love of the game. We're filming it, yeah. For the love of the game, we've missed Smacktember. It needs to be next year. We're expecting this month. Janu-Smack? Let's keep going. We've got Feb-Smack.

No, no. Feb-Smack? Smack? Smatch? What about Smatch? Smarks? Smack April? Smack April? What about smarch? Smarch? Smach April? Herwynp fril?

Mae have some smach? Or may not? Do you lie about taking smach? Do you have any smach? Miaw! June's have any smack August smack we're going to work on the branding but we're doing

a smack free month in fact no let's all say now guys for first October let's stop doing smack okay can we do it

I've started do you know what guys sponsor us just give it I'm pretty confident I can do it i've been doing well it's day six i've done any smack seriously yeah that's that's pretty good for you six days off the smack i mean you've had 30 years without it but those six days can be tricky i've looked to you you always want what you can't have don't you so once he said told himself you can't have

it that's when it gets hard i haven't had cocoa for ages. If you told me I couldn't have them, I'd go and have them to eat too. If you said to Adam, if someone in any form of authority went, Adam, no more Coco Pops, literally an hour later, he'd be in Tesco like, oh, no, no. See, aisle five,

we've got some fat cunt with the Coco Pops. It's two weeks in a row, though. What? Two weeks in a row you've called Adam fat. Do you know what? You're making me want to start some sort of fitness challenge. I'll get back to you on that. I think I'm calling everyone fat.

I think that's genuinely... Is it projection? It's projection. It is. I watched that clip back about Ishan hiding drugs in his belly, and I felt like I had the authority to use the word fat. You're as fast as Ishan. Because I'm fat.

I've never hidden drugs in my, because what I found that so absurd is, if you're not a patron, you've missed out on this. We had Eshan in as a first ever patron guest, basically in the new studio. And it was just fucking brilliant. Everyone was hungover. It was classic.

But he hid drugs going into a club in his belly button. Just that, I find that so wonderfully absurd. It's clever. Because when we were clubbing, because of the drugs. I could definitely do it like. Yeah, I know. But when you're clubbing, you're meant to be thin, you know, because of the drugs.

I'm an outie, mate. I could get a fucking spliff. I don't know if I'd want to do the drugs that had been in there, though. That's the thing, innit? I clean my belly button every day in the shower. So you should. What?

Clean my belly button. Whoa. No shower. So you should. What? Clean my belly button. Whoa. No, you don't. What? What? You don't finger your own belly button. Yes, I do. And I get blue fluff out of it.

Blue fluff? Regardless of what colour top I've had on, there's always blue fluff. Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff. I can wear no top and blue fluff. Yeah. Blue fluff just manifests itself. Don't you clean your belly button every day?

You don't wash your dick every day Right Right Listen A lot Look Right well then You obviously haven't cleaned it this morning have you? I've got a green top on

How do you do it? Magic Orange I can't tell you It's one of the many mysteries of the universe How would the pyramid spill? And where does the blue fluff come from? Keep rummaging.

I'll have a 0.4 bag of Coke, please. I just, you can't put drugs in you. Anyway, I called him. I said that was the fattest thing he's ever done. And it's because I'm feeling large. You need to get yourself back in the gym and use some sort of fitness device to track your progress. I just have no way of tracking that progress.

What would you use, Adam, if you were going to use that oh i couldn't tell you till next week no next week will be guaranteed the contract we'll tell you get involved oh i had a yum yum for breakfast so i'm ready for a change is that what you call toast i watched you eat toast before How old are you? Six years old I had a yum yum Toast with butter Me, Carl and Dan Have been for the little sly On the side meeting That no one's meant to know about

To discuss the future of the company And we need more white bitches Apply Have a word pod at gmail.com I had four slices of toast I had a yum yum I had a yum yum breakfast With Hollands juice I had two slices of toast And they had a yum yum breakfast. I had a yum yum breakfast with all hands juice.

I had two slices of toast and they were chopped up. And what I wanted was one slice of toast. And then the carbs hit hard and I fell over. If it had been a toasted tea cake and then a four. I had a yum yum. Can I have a yum yum for tea? That's chicken. Do you know what a yum yum is though?

Chicken and chips. Do you know what a yum yum is? What and chips. Do you know what Yum Yum is? What's a Yum Yum? It's eggs and it's like the sweet thing. It's just a little, it's just funny. It just sounded like a fang, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's Yum Yum.

I love me. Mummy, I want a Yum Yum. I had a Yum Yum and then I had an ouchie. And then a nap. I had a Yum Yum and then an ouchie on my leg. You're not having a Yum Yum, Daniel. yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum William William William WilliamWmWmWmWmWmWmWmWmWmW Sayers. Well, better one. What? Sayers was better than Greg's. Oh, sorry. Right, yeah. And what's happened to Sayers? I haven't seen Sayers for eight years. Eight years?

I know. Eight and a half years. In eight and a half, smack. 2014, remember? In eight and a half, smack. There's still a Sayers on Dovey Shops.

Is there? Yeah. Sayers, Sayers. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. I've not seen a Sayers in eight years. Maybe you've not been looking. There you go. I thought it was just Greg's. No, there's a few. No, Greg didn't know. I've not seen a Sayers in eight years. Maybe you've not been looking. There you go.

I thought it was just Greggs, no. No, there's a few, no, Greggs is a rival company. It can go fuck itself. Oh, you like Greggs? Greggs is bummed. Yeah, but Sayers is better. The best sausage roll on planet Earth is Waterfields. Ooh.

Right, well, Greggs, we've spoken about this before. Greggs 4,000 shops would argue. On that ramp in Highton Village, before you go into the fucking- Where the Echo Man is before you go into the shit with all the lamps echo

he does what you're not seeing the echo man it's a go to echo I don't think he's selling the echo he is echo get your match program

echo oh there you go get it done it's a play on the word echo he's making his voice echo go on he's just done it echo

get your match program echo no that's making his voice echo. Go on. He's just done it. Echo! Get your mouth deep, bro. Got echo! No, that's not his voice echoing, is it? That's just a special needs noise. I don't know if you know- Wait, the sound please. He, he, he! That's not an echo.

That's someone being, with learning difficulty, not being able to say echo. But he's saying, echo! Oh, that's an echo, that. You know that thing you just heard once and sounded awful? No, he says it. He says it with bass so that it bounces off the buildings.

Because if he was just going echo, like it just wouldn't work. Okay, he's just mispronouncing echo loudly. He's not, just because you go echo. That's not an echo. Because he makes it echo. You've never been to Titan Village. So, all right, cool.

Let's do it. Take me now. I want to see. That'll be a good age special. This is soundness. The Asda. The Echo Fella. The Lamp Shop.

I just say it once, and then it comes back to me 30 times. Echo! Echo! Echo! Echo! It's like, fucking hell, there's loads of sellers. No, there's not. It's the acoustics.

There's just fucking John. John Echo. John Echo. Echo. Lovely echo, that. No. I'd love to see you at the Grand Canyon doing echo. Echo, echo, echo.

No, that's not. You sound stupid. You need to see him. Sorry, I've had a fall. I don't want to be in a bad mood because I've had a fall. You would understand if you heard it He does do it that way so that it reverberates Echo

Echo If you say it twice so it's not an echo It's just you saying it twice It comes back four times though Ego go go go Ego go go Ugo Egiog Is it Ugo Egiog?

Yeah It's what he's doing now He's selling the echo Ugo Egiog's selling the echo Ugo Egiog's Yeah. It's what he was doing now he's sounding the echo. Ugo Egeog's sounding the echo. Ugo Egeog's dead. No, he is. Yeah. I think he did die, actually.

He did die and he's still dead as well. J. Lloyd Samuel died, didn't he? He died as well, yeah. Other people have died. There's a fact for you. Genghis Khan's dead. Echo!

I know why Genghis Khan's in your head. Yeah, come before. He's only got a small roll of decks. I'm fucking out. Right to the top. Hugo Egiog is dead though, isn't he? I don't even know who that is. Is that why you were like,

Middlesbrough legend? By the way. How do you spell it? Aston Villa. Hugo Egiog. Last week. Oh, please get this right. No.

I know. That's a fucking Toyota. English footballer. He was. 2017. In dead five years. Yeah. Killed by a bl Toyota. English footballer. He was. 2017. In dead five years. Yeah. Killed by a blimp.

Get to know, Dan. I know all the footballers who are dead. Cech Tioté, J. Lloyd Samuel, Ugo Egiog. Oh. Et cetera. Cech Tioté. Do you know last week I went for an interview in Middlesbrough? I think we spoke about it on the Patreon record.

You saw the ghost of Hugo Egeo in the window of the ghost of Hugo Egeo they've got like stickers like permanent stickers

not just like a photograph but there's one of Janinho and it says my favourite place to eat in Middlesbrough every time I come back which I imagine is

you know once a month isn't it it's a Janie, no? Jeremy Clarkson. The same thing. Love to hear it. Achbars.

And the other one was Emilia from The X Factor. They were the three celebrities. They went downhill quick. Maybe. I kind of like... The stickers is a bit... A bit rough, innit? They've been here, so we're going to make a sticker. They're like part of the aesthetic. It's not like they stickers is a bit a bit rough isn't it they've been here

so we're going to make a sticker they're like part of the aesthetic it's not like they've hung a picture up like it's part of the decor well restaurants have been doing that for a long time

but it's usually like they're pressed shot in a frame on the wall where would you want to be up on the wall what restaurants big bowl big bowl

under in all the tables where they've got all the drawings you ever been to San Carlo? The Italian? Yeah, on Castle Street. There's a few San Carlos knocking around, isn't there?

I've never been. They turned the ZZ's off Deansgate into one a few years ago. Apparently it went downhill as well a few years ago, San Carlos. We've lost on the wall. Where do I eat the most?

I'm telling you what, Slim Chickens on L1, on Liverpool 1. Why do you mean on the wall of Slim Chickens? Well, I was going to say Nando's in Ellesmere Port because I'm there you what Slim Chickens On L1 On Liverpool 1 Why do you mean On the wall A Slim Chicken Well I was going to say Nando's in Ellesmere Port Because I'm there all the time

But there's no other pictures On the wall You're on the Hickories Don't you Oh Put me in Hickories West Kirby Bury me there

Don't take me to the hospital When I'm dead It was the best Superbowl Out ever That was so well done By the way boys And we're doing it again Getting home wasn't fun though

It wasn't for you It was dead easy for me Finn dropped me off He's a little legend We're doing it again. Getting home wasn't fun, though. It wasn't for you. It was dead easy for me. Finn dropped me off. He's a little legend. We're doing the Super Bowl in here. Oh, yeah, we are, aren't we? Yeah. 100%.

We've got hickories to cater to. I would like... Hickories, yeah. Hickories. I'll cook for the Super Bowl party. Yeah, yeah. I'll do the, like... I'll do hickories.

Barbecue in here. What? Barbecue in here. L1, I'm having an issue with that. Got a little balcony, haven't we? What? Piss. 2 L1 had an issue Got a little balcony Haven't we? What? Piss 2am barbecue

Me and Danny McLaughlin Had a 2am roast dinner Once for the UFC And I missed McGregor Not Ronaldo Because I was Cutting into a roast

By the way That is the most Danny Mac thing I've ever heard Like yeah 3am I fancy a roast Yeah

When I live with him You'd know he'd had one Because in the morning He'd be like Oh yeah Someone's had a roast yeah and when I live with him you'd know he'd had one because in the morning he'd be like oh yeah someone's had a roast and it looks like they've murdered someone with all the utensils

absolute fucking bombsite yeah we had a roast and Julian Dean sat on the couch and because he's veggie he ordered himself a curry and refused to eat

any of the roast I thought veggies could do alright with the roast because there's a lot of veggies in there he can it's fine

he wants the curry I think so that's that that's the full story Julian Dean wants the curry I don't want you no offence I don't want you cooking

for the Superbowl why because you wouldn't eat just don't don't see it why I love your self confidence

and the belief in yourself and I want to support that you've never had a home-cooked meal by me? What, for the Super Bowl? It starts at 1am. I'm going to smoke a rack of ribs. For how long? A full day.

Your mother smokes a rack of ribs. And cock. She did, actually. She used to smoke ribs really well. She still does. Cool. Oh, you mean cocks? Cocks, right.

My mum used to do sage and onion stuffed pork Cool. Oh, you mean cocks? Cocks, right. My mum used to do sage and onion stuffed pork ribs. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. So she'd like put all the stuffing all over the ribs.

She'd roll the ribs and then roast them, rolled, and oh, I want to make them now. Oh, my God. I'm, oh, food horny. I want some yogurt.

No, you can't do. No. You can't say horny near a memory of your mother's cooking. Why? That's not right. No. Why? No, because it was nice.

No, I'm- It was like, fucking hell, I used to make this great. God, it's making me fucking horny thinking about it. Yeah, I'm horny for food. Right. Not for pussy. Ooh. Ooh.

I don't know where the invisible line was. We call pussies yum-yums. Get your yum-yum out. It was a yum-yum for breakfast. I had a yum-yum for breakfast and then fell over. Get it out. I can't remember anything my mum made that was dead. My gran used to make some fucking great,

she was a great baker. Was she? Like she did jam tarts. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not taking it. Really good raspberry jam tart. Single prostitutes. My mum does a good

banoffee pie. Oh. That's her best move. My mum used to do braising steak for a roast dinner. Oh. We'll see. Yeah.

Fantastic. I'm starving. Now you're making me horny thinking about your mum. Nothing to do with the food. What was me horny. Thinking about your mum. Not to do the food. I was trying to fuck your mum. Dan, what's your favourite meal? It's not a real screech.

But when you try to produce it, and it's too obvious, it makes me laugh. Dan, with this lull, have you ever been kiai-yaki'd? Favourite meal? I know death row meal is like the clichéd one, but... Have you got a death row? Have we done that before?

Yeah, we have, yeah. But it's basically... I think we came up with the death row was very specific side, very specific starter, very specific pudding offer in different places to buy you more time. Oh yeah. I want to hickeys, but I also want a slim chicken side.

So I honestly, the nachos I make for Christmas tea. If I have to, you're talking that I make, cause I don't make loads of foods. There's a plate of food in front of you and it makes you the most happy in the world you don't have to make

me either roast dinner with lamb and chicken as well I think a hooker hooker is I'm on the hook of hookeries hickories

blackened butt steak is that like the slightly spicy steak big bunda it's a big bunda and then the chips and then some of their onion rings are like phenomenal.

Like hula hoops. The white one's smaller, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, because of the... What do you reckon yours is? I don't know. Yum yums? No.

The food? I don't know. It might be a big bowl, you know. Really? Like the whole thing nah no fantastic i'm there but let me think about it god bloody hell what about you finn because you're a veggie it's been but what's the one i know but you must think i think go on that is belton but i think uh um a my morals would come into question on death row

in terms of being veggie. Yeah, fuck the animals if you're about to be offed, mate. Yeah, so I'm going for an Iskender kebab from a specific kebab shop in my hometown in Turkey. I want to go there one day. You're welcome. Not with you. That's fine.

No, I do. Is there like, in Turkey, genuine question. Yeah. Like the kebabs we have over here, like from the Botan. It's another level. No, but is it similar stuff? No. No?

It's nicer meat. It's slower cooked and just better meat. It's not in bread, is it? It's not the shit that you get. Is it in bread? What? Is it in bread? In bread.

The kebab. What's this? Is it in bread? It's the skewers, isn't it? The skewers. No, no, no, that's the sign language of bread. No, it's, you know when the meat's on a skewer and then they take it off the skewer?

Yeah. No, it's still on the rotating stuff, but it's just better quality meat. Oh, right. Yeah, and it's a bit, like, crispier. Oh, mate, in Cyprus when we used to do the... You've got meat food horny. Fucking hell.

In Cyprus we used to do the forces gigs and there was one place, it was just called, like, Grill on the Corner. They just do grilled chicken, a little bit of rice, a really lovely fresh salad, and then like French fries. But the meat was amazing. A little bit of like, not tzatziki, but something, probably tzatziki.

Yeah, like garlicky yogurt. Oh my God, like a kebab, but like you actually didn't feel dirty after it. It's that, it's that. But the Iskender's like a tomato with gar garlicky sauce as well with yoghurt. Little bits of crispy bread in it as well. I'm going kids tea with school cake and custard. Oh, school cake and custard! Smiley faces, chicken dippers and beans with school cake and custard.

Oh, my turkey Twizzlers. Chips. That would be such a sad last meal on death row, wouldn't it be like, I want to be nostalgic. Yeah, with... School cake. A Ribena. Apple.

Oh my God. I don't even want lunch today because we had breakfast. I'm going to see if I can get some school cake delivered for the break. Yeah. Yeah. School cake is just like a jam sponge, isn't it?

No, there's not any jam in it. Is there no jam in it? It's really light Cake with a A thin Icing on top With hundreds and thousands Yeah yeah yeah

With custard It's made It's shit cake But it's It's just Phenomenal Mate great sponge Look at it

Phenomenal Just Just look at it Yeah but it's all about The person making that sponge innit Because I've had I've seen shit cake And you're like Yeah it's just Pretty dry sponge but that i could get that no because

she's a waxing girl she gets to have that whenever she wants oh whenever she wants 9 a.m one o'clock in the afternoon bring me a school cake yeah yeah kids tea with school cake i think that's just the go to skidans when you're when you're being lazy we didn't get turkey twizzlers fucking jamie oliver did you miss them we got a couple years i've never had one in my life mate you can get them in patterson's i mean you can't have them because there's taking them but are turkeys really animals i've always thought big question that's what we're asking today on have a word no they are just big chickens it's with stupid necks. Yeah. I don't respect turkeys. I don't respect turkeys.

They're shit meat. They're shit animals. They're ugly as fuck. They're smaller than an ostrich and they're bigger than a chicken. No one's arse.

They make a really silly sound. They're the middle child of the birds. Fuck them. They're tasty as well. They're like the ISIS of the bird world.

It's not good. I'm not saying they're Al-Qaeda, but they could be. You never know. Could be anti-West. They're like, you know? I don't know.

Are they saying death to the West? Or maybe they're all just Freddie Quinn tribute acts. Finn loves turkey. The animal. Does that have turkey, shouldn't it? I should be, didn't it? Turkey's a country animal. And he loves whales as well. The animal. Does that have turkey, shouldn't it? That's what he did there. Turkey's a country animal.

And he loves whales as well. The animal. Like your mum. No, the animal. Oh, I see what you did there. Yeah. What? Liking them.

Sometimes people call, like, fat women whales. I really made myself laugh. Because you fell over. Oh, God. I hope I've not got a mark on my jeans i've got a tour show tonight where keep having to buy jeans you got leads tonight so i'm going leads got leads for one or two sold out shows we've sold 7200 tickets out of a possible 7450 tickets the most ridiculous thing I've ever said out loud. If we sell

some more tickets, we've got 10 more to sell in Darwin, 30 more to sell in Cardiff, 60 in Chester, 60, and 60 on my fourth

Manchester show. If we sell all those tickets, it'll be a 98.5% sellout tour. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love all of you i'm will and will don't break the fourth wall though it's not there and will by the way a couple of people have already spoken about this now and you're going to want to do this by the way um i've heard about this fella who's been cheating at chess it's actually in my questions today is it someone

someone asked about it but i haven't read anything about it yeah so this fella like played the like the number one chess guy on the planet and beat him and the fella who he beat the number one

chess guy has now refused to ever play him again initially it was like I'm not saying why but he's like he's now come out and said he's cheating

and they think the way he's cheated is he's put vibrating anal beads up his arse and every time he hovers over the right piece he's cheated is he's put vibrating anal beads up his arse. And every time he hovers over the right piece, he's got a mate who's playing on a supercomputer to play the perfect game.

And every time he hovers over the right piece, it buzzes up his arse. Yeah. Have you seen it in porn? Someone suggested that as a theory. No, they reckon he's done it over a hundred times. Oh, there you go. So it's the pink one, isn't it? It's the pink... You see it in porn a lot. Like, it looks like a pink tampon. I've used one before. But it's like the one where...

It's a little bullet or something. It's a little bullet. Who's watching, honestly? No, it actually looks like a little whale, actually. It's a public match, isn't it? No, what's that fish that's got, like, a lightbulb on its head? Yeah, the lightbulb head fish. It looks like on its head? Yeah, the light bulb head fish. It looks like one of them. The famous light bulb head fish.

Ah, I said it wrong. Don't worry about it. I'm not going to jump on that. All right, thanks. What are they called? I don't know what they're called, but you can... Wazzy, lazzy, lighty fish. The wazzy, lazzy, lighty fish.

Like a love egg. Yeah. It's one of them. It's got one of them up his ass. It's the one that you see your videos of and they're like, oh,

my missus is wearing it. And then we went on and then he like, whoa. So he's the modern day Charles Ingram, isn't he? Yeah.

He's only 19 as well. Yeah. That's young to be starting. So what's the point in this? Is he getting, is it a prize? He's beating the world number one. He's beating the world number one

at chess. Oh, it's big money in chess. This is like, this is like fucking some fella called Keith beating Roger Federer. Because he had anal beads. Every time he didn't hit the ball. What happened if you...

You must have tested this and gone, if you have a G-spot up your arse, not all men can. Imagine if you just like, you're just playing and you're like, no! Nah. And just came 14 times I think that'd be Has it been proved?

No So they want him To play naked Why don't they just Look at his arsehole And then put his clothes Back on They do want him

To play naked And they bet he's But he doesn't even Know how to play Someone's offered him Like an underground And said I'll give you An underground to play The. And they bet he's all, but he's not even allowed to play. Someone's offered him like an under grand and said, I'll give you the under grand to play the guy you played

and play him naked. Do you know what? And he said no initially. And I think now he's like, all right, I'll do it. Right. Could he get sued for cheating?

I mean, how do you, but the thing is, is there money involved? In chess? No, I'm saying it's a tournament. Yeah.

It's like the number three spectator sport on the planet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. After NASCAR and football. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Chess is the numbers it's doing in pay three spectator sport on the planet yeah yeah yeah it is that's the NASCAR in football yeah yeah

absolutely yeah chess is the numbers it's doing in pay-per-view in Kazakhstan it's unbelievable chess players are in millions though oh tens of millions

let's have a look like top how do you not know that the world of Moang gets like 8 million for winning the world championship and what's his name

it's Hans whatever Gruber Magnus Carlsen I'm pretty sure Hans Nielsen Hans Niel sure hands neilman's the guy who's cheesed i think hands christian anderson there you go 40.6 million for a few of them like oh no wait the total yeah in history 40.6 million and max schitzer is making in 2022 alone 43.3 million oh it's just you know i'm always watching it sometimes you know when i'm like i'm just

watching chess i love it they think that now they found this they think it's gone to poker as well and they think they found poker players that are doing the same tactics fantastic it's elite level cheating is it illegal is it illegal to cheat a game no but is that written in the rules that you can't have anal beads i don't think i think i think it will definitely written in the rules That you can't have anal beads I don't think They've ever felt I think I think it will definitely be In the rules That you are not allowed To have any form Of communication

With a A third party You say it's totally coincidental Yeah you say He's not communicating with me It's just this is how I get off This is me fella And I like cum them

While I'm playing chess It's a weird It's a weird sit down And chat isn't it What are you into Well let me talk you through it no but if you deny it

and go yeah what a coincidence every time I do that I'm a kinky bitch that doesn't make me a cheat I would love to see I'd love to see his face

I mean you've got to be able to ride that vibrating fucking butt plug out haven't you if he was just like everyone's like oh god he's really concentrating is he is any videos of him is he doing all this bug out, haven't you? If he was just like... Everyone's like, oh God, he's really concentrating.

Is he... Is there any videos of him? Is he doing all this? Like Derek O'Connor on a Ouija board? No, the way Charles Ingram was like, maybe it's A.

Maybe Derek O'Connor had anal beads. Fucking hell. I'm going to feel something. No, but he must be like hovering, it must look insane. He's probably just like,

I think he's probably like looking over towards certain pieces and then it's going like the fella's literally watching the whole thing so he's like right it's over there and he's like oh it's that one i mean i don't think it's a thorough explanation of what happened but he played he played the perfect game against the world champion like and came every single move he made was like a computer would have picked it there was there was not one time he made a move where the supercomputer would have done something different and then people go oh that was too good yeah and that's why the world the world champion was like that he has to be cheating but how have they got to anal beads

because they couldn't figure out any other way and i'd love i would love love to have been in the room when that first guy suggested the first time right look let's just hear me out raise we haven't considered the fact he could have a vibrating love egg up his arsehole and he's got his mate watching the game using a supercomputer and every time he hovers near the right piece it buzzes and initially they must have all gone, John, you're fucking mental, lad. Absolutely not. Pervy John. And then like two days later they've gone,

should we look into the thing John said? It was John Eccle. He's moving about. Echo. Get your match day vibrators. Chess champion. But has he won money? Yeah.

Yeah. He's got to beat the world number one. How have you not got it in your head that they can make money? No, I didn't mean that, but I'm saying has he won money? Then, like a week after the- He's won 100 games. A week after the thing happened, the world champion matched on an online tournament

with the guy who cheated, and the world champion literally played one move and quit he's like I'm not playing him he's just got his love eggs in yeah it's a big controversy it must have been a lot of cheating

if he's cheated to like because you don't just get to play the world champion on your first like fucking hell just give chess a go so he must have like

accumulated quite a career like Adam like do you know what I fancy playing chess but not against anyone world champion surely all them

hundred games have been televised Sky Sports Chess it is actually it is actually on ESPN the Ocho has he not got

his own channel anymore Sky Sports Chess in America I don't know whether they show it on the British one but it's on ESPN do you know how to

explain where this supercomputer was to me it was his laptop but was he sitting next to him on the laptop you could just play.

I mean, that would be a bit obvious, wouldn't it? Oh, him. No. Do you know in the 1960s, when you see the big walls of computers, one of them. He's there with the remote for the love egg. Like, zzzz.

No, fucking. Hang on, hang on. That's something else. It's old in the move, that one there. Hang on. That one. I think he's cheating. What would you cheat at?

If you could use the anal beads for. Do you know genuinely, I really hate cheating at any game. And I'd rather win. I'd rather lose playing properly than cheat and win. Genuinely. Yeah, of course, because it's not, it's hollow in it. Do you know like when we play five a side and the other team starts whinging and they're like, oh, you've been in the box. because it's not hollow in it do you know like when we play five a side and the other team starts whinging and

they're like oh you've been in a box like it's not a goal immediately I'm just like just sound all right well then it's not a goal and we'll

still beat you I'm too competitive I want to win on their terms I want to wear love eggs playing football with you guys next time

definitely that's then you'll see a difference it probably would feel really good I'd love to have one of those yeah but I'm in goal so it's a conflict wow then you'll see a difference. It probably would feel really good. I'd love to have one of those.

Yeah. But I'm in goal. So it's a conflict. Wow. Do I want to save it or do I want to let it in? Just Carl just sat there going. At least try. What would you choose?

It's got to be, I mean, if you're going for the obvious one, it's poker, isn't it? Because millions of pounds. Yeah. I mean,

we don't go for the obvious here, Carl. Yes, it is the obvious. Okay, then we'll go darts. for the obvious here, Kyle. Yes, it is the obvious answer. Okay, then we're like, go darts. I'm quite happy to- You don't, mate. I'd choose to poker happily

because there's a lot of money involved and it's not like an achievement to win that is luck involved. So I'm quite happy to choose that and just take the money. And that's got sporting integrity. I'd rather win. I'd play by the rules.

I literally can't think of a sport where anal beads would help. Talk me through any sport. Darts. The famous Jenga sport. Darts? You don't know the maths? What?

What do we do next? And it causes the... You have to wait. 40, 5, 6, 7, 47. The amount of concentration and focus you have to throw a dart. That's not... The fella next to the ball goes, you need 47 to finish. In the boob have to throw a dart. That's not. The fella next to the ball goes, you need 47 to finish.

It's in the boozer, there's no fella. What? It's in the boozer, there's no fella. All right. You're gonna make your way up the ranks, Adam. You're gonna start somewhere. Okay. Or get a calculator.

Be easier, wouldn't I? I think I could see myself joining a dart team later in life. I can as well. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm.

My dad used to be in a dart team and I'm quite good at it. Hmm. Hmm. there darts is great it's fun for all the family what family the van barnevelds the van barneveld family

argue with that there's a dart player famous the family of darts players there isn't a dart dynasty is there no Famous The family of darts players Yeah well There isn't a darts dynasty is there

No Is there none Think so Who was your man with the rings Fuck it what was he called Bobby George Bobby fucking George He was BBC

He was great He was so good He had more rings than fingers I know but it was Like just the fact that He was like He was like the The enforcer from

fucking lockstock and two smoking barrels wasn't he you fucking vinnie jones yeah no no not vinnie jones oh barry the baptist yeah yeah so good that old geezer lenny mclean yeah definitely murdered someone at some point yeah well he was a gangster wasn't he was he bobby george no lenny mclean what i'm talking about bobby george i love those old geezers martin wolfie adams he was a gangster, wasn't he? Was he Bobby George? No. Lenny McLean. What am I talking about, Bobby George? I love those old geezers. Martin Wolfie Adams. He was a goat, wasn't he? James Wade.

No, he's not beat the L. Dwayne Wade. Words. Great time. Was he a London gangster? I know he's a basketball player. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I need to get fit.

You just fell over. I just need to get fit. You do? I need to work on my core. Should we have a challenge? Try and get fit for the arena. Only if I can wear anal beads while doing the challenge. Okay.

Right, cool. If you see me in the gym with a peed tail, I'm like... I've wore a cock ring in here before. Not in here, but in the old one. No, you haven't get to fuck

I have you haven't what day Patreon day I can't remember what day it was you wore a cock ring and can't remember

what day it was a while ago was there a guest in oh let me just look at no I don't think there was no no

it was a Patreon day cock rings are just for the boys fact it was way back when oh was it was it yeah last year what last year really wasn't it was before there was it everyone knows who that was then Why am I doing that? Sorry No they don't Oh I know it was Shit the bed What are we doing? Who are we talking about? His face knows now

Oh yeah Yeah Was it? I had a cock ring Was it shit the bed? Remote control And I had a cock ring on for the whole recording You just never knew

Did you have an erection? What? Did you have an erection? Sort of Well it doesn't work with that one Does it just fall off? It was more like a cock clamp Right on for the whole recording you never knew did you have an erection what did you have an erection sort of well it doesn't work with that one does it just fall off it was more like

a cock clamp right it's changing a vibrating it just went round your knob and it just yeah

went round your knob actually round your knob the cock ring was just around the end of your knob the knob ring no when I say knob

I mean the whole shebang balls through as well it went they go like under your balls yeah yeah yeah the end of your knob. It's a knob ring. No, when I say knob, I mean the whole shebang. Balls through as well. Well, they go, like, under your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a cock ring, yeah, yeah. So you wore that

to a studio in Runcorn. All right, cool. Oh, that's the end of Have a Word. Let's have a break. We're sponsored by Cock Rings today. What's happening, lads?

Manscaped have sent us a new advert read-through, and it's because the soccer season has started. We love soccer. And they want us to basically do this. They've sent us a script, so Dan's going to read it. Can't miss that.

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newly beautiful balls. My balls have always been fit. Fit. I can hear that. Can you hear what? You saying fuck off down the mic. We're having school cake. Yay. Got some school cake on the way. I'm going to skedan it.

My face. Are we playing? I'm going to put a cake on my face. Are you having a yum yum? I'm having a yum yum for my dinner. Are we paying for it all up front? Or are we going to do... Are we going to do Klana?

Yeah. I just don't want to. But we'll tell them that we're going to do are we going to do Klarna yeah I just don't want to but we'll tell them that we're not that third payment three months down the line must be fun we're like

oh fuck yeah that cake cost you like 600 quid for the fucking dominoes it's interest free Klarna even if you miss

your payments no no credit is free if you miss your payment surely what's the point in it then it's just to spread the cost of cake.

Is Klarna interest-free? Yeah. But how do they make profit then? What? How do they operate as a business? I think the companies that are allowing Klarna to be used, they give them like a little... But I'm guessing if you miss your payment...

A couple of quid every time you get a Klarna cake. It's such a fucking metaphor for this country. If you're buying trainers, I get it. But the fact it's available for fucking delivery is a bit grim, isn't it? It's just grim in general, isn't it? It's just people like it's companies making things seem affordable

to people who can't afford it. So people go oh, I can afford that. When in reality, if they could afford it, they would be able to afford the upfront thing. Have you ever been bad with credit cards? I mean, I've never had a credit card

because I've never had the credit rating required to get a credit card. Yeah, it's a good start. I've got one, but I've never ever used a credit card. I had a Burton's card

that I didn't pay. Oh yeah, the old Burton's because Burton's, they were so clever with that, weren't they? You don't really want our clothes, but if we give them to you for free. Have you just signed this thing?

I used to love a Burtons. They used to fit me really well. They were good for the fat man. Do the joke, Dan. What? It was one of your old jokes, wasn't it? I love a Burton. It was one of your old jokes.

I literally can't remember it. Oh, yeah? One of your old jokes was about Burtons. You can't remember that? I'm aware that I did have the joke, but we were talking about this the other day. Adam quoted a bit really well. And I was like,

you've got a really good memory recall for like bits. And he was like, yeah, good bits. And then I was like, I'm not joking. I can't remember my own bits. But I can't remember my own bits. I can remember other people's bits better than my own. Yeah. Like people say to me,

like, why have you stopped doing that joke? I'm like, I literally just forgot it existed. There's no written record of it. It was in the air and then I've had too many Guinness and it's gone. Yeah. I think it's a good way to be.

Yeah. I don't want to be the file of facts comedian with all my bits. Every time I see Burton, you think of it. I think of you saying. There was a bit. Because you used to say Burton.

I can't remember. When Danny Mac came in there when we lived together when he was making midnight roasts, he walked into a room and went, bitches, get on my dick. And I went, fuck, whose bit's that? And he went, are you mad?

It's your bit. And I was like, oh shit, yeah. A guy came into the gym at Virgin, the Virgin gym I was, this is fucking years ago, and walked into the dressing room and went, bitches, get on my dick. The least appropriate thing.

It was a virgin. To walk in. What? It was a virgin. You honestly should have your mic turned down for a little bit for that. There's a level of fucking spammer joke. You went to a virgin gym.

Oh my God. Carl misunderstood. Oh my God. He thought you meant a gym for people who've never had sex. And that would make sense because if you've never had sex And that would make sense Because if you've never had sex Maybe you do need to get the gym So you're fitter

And you attract better Class of pussy Honestly you're in my bad books there I thought it was great Toby It was come on Toby Smale Says serial killer question

Hello Liz Just finished that Jeffrey Dahmer Series on Netflix I ran out of breath then Jeffrey Dahmer series I'm I ran out of breath Then I Jeffrey Dahmer Series on Netflix Okay

Let's get the version Jim you You can't go the version Jim He's been smashing For decades Kids Jesus

If it came out That lids are serial killers What do you think Their signature would be Oh each lid Was a serial killer Dahmer liked Eating his victims

and dissolving the bodies in acid John Wayne Gacy would dress up as a clown and torture people so if you were Toby Smale wants to know

if you were a serial killer what would be your signature move question was John Wayne Gacy named after the film star John Wayne

I don't know he was the clown killer wasn't he the fat cunt Was John Wayne Gacy named after the film star? John Wayne. I don't know. He's the clown killer, wasn't he? The fat cunt with the ice cream. I don't think it was the most important thing about him. I'm not saying it is, but I just want all the information. To judge whether he liked them or not? No, because he was predated when he was famous. Wow, okay.

Cool. Good to know. Maybe John Wayne the actor was named after John Wayne Gacy maybe because it wasn't his real name either was it was it no

no Wayne John what his real name's Wayne John you're talking shit don't try and sell a black meme didn't he used to

play for Collins John Birmingham City Wayne John real presence up front so hang on in this scenario we're all made

of us what is our signature move yeah yeah yeah calling card I go like the sign of like oh

Adam's been I'll go just leaving the water on blocking the tap I'll go wet bandits I'll leave a toilet unflushed the shitting bed that has been two crimes

oh fucking hell we've got another row woo Jesus Christ I've only had a piss woo woo the u-bend killer

you know you need to hydrate I'd put on me victims they're already dead like what's the problem you made them dead though I know if you found someone dead and shit on them,

that would be bad as well. What if you didn't need to go? What? Wait, come on, Dan. Give me 40 seconds. I'll make it happen. I'd tidy the house. Really?

Have you heard about those women who can think themselves into coming? How does it relate to murders and shitting on people? I can think myself into pooing right there you go yeah pooing for me is like you know the female orgasm yeah you can do it again and again yeah and sometimes it builds yeah oh god not another fuck you big bolt I like the idea of tidying that's nice you tidy the house but that's also

spotless spotless but that's good for forensic it's smart he's leaving his DNA all over the body yeah but my DNA isn't on record

what they haven't got my DNA on record yet he was after the first murder oh yeah not yours they don't know it's mine they'll be like oh this is the same guy,

100%, but we don't know who it is. I thought you were a conspiracy theorist. I would say that a real conspiracy theorist would just assume that your DNA.

Do you have any old coins, mate? They've got it. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I just like to believe in every conspiracy I hear. That's not the same thing. Right.

I'm not coming up with them. I don't necessarily believe them. It's just, I want them to be true. Right. Because I think life's more interesting that way. Do you think your DNA's anywhere?

It's in a few women. Oh, dear. That's a virgin joke. When we're talking about serial killers having your DNA in women, it just sounds horrible. You'd be the Gillian McKeith killer. I've been going through his poo.

This guy needs more fibre And to stop killing people She'd be detective to find you though We need Gillian McKee Detective Gillian McKee I'd tidy the house immaculately Yeah That'd be my move

Oh my god that's fucking lovely in here Carl's been here What's yours? Yeah good question I think i'd steal the hair i think that's when you know oh my god that's so weirdly and you just slowly give yourself a new wig everyone should be suspicious dan have you been to turkey and i just come in and it's like ginger brunette blonde no I've been killing women. I've got a new hobby. That's weirdly, like, actually, like, probably done by

somebody. Like a trophy? No, like a trophy, like, oh, I cut an air off and keep it. The murder weapon would be like a knife, and it'd also be like a clipper's. You'd just be a barber. I'm gonna exist. What? Sweeney Todd. No, but he's a barber. I'm going to exist. What?

Sweeney Todd. Yeah. No, but he's a nice guy in the end, isn't he? Have you seen The Wig Maker? The Wig, The Wigger? Next question. Next question. Adrian Peters says,

if you could change one personality trait or one characteristic about yourself, way would it be? I love it when they make a spelling mistake. It's my favorite. I know it's just a typo. I know we all heard it, but let's just move on collectively.

We're doing really well. The career's going good. Got 250 tickets to sell and then I'm sold out. Let's not fuck it up, Carl. If you could change one personality trait or one characteristic about yourself, what would it be?

Carl? I think I fall in love too easily. Yeah. Fucking true. But would you actually want to change that? What do you mean? I was only joking. It's true though.

Is it? Yes. Did you see how the whole room went? Like no one left. Are we all doing real ones? No one left. No one left everyone. Lads, that's not a bad thing.

Oh, I was joking. I know mine. Mine's patience. You need to stop killing patience. Stop going down the Aussie, mate. If I'm in somewhere and it takes a second longer than I want it to do, my head starts burning. Yeah, I would change my short fuse, I think.

Because I genuinely can put up with a lot of trauma in my life, but one minor inconvenience can ruin my week. No, no. but no no can i just say about your short fuse i've seen it and it goes you it is short yeah but i don't you deal with that pretty well afterwards that's why it's not as sure mike no but like if i get start if i like just about miss out on two traffic lights in a row, honestly. Oh no, driving, you're a fucking nightmare.

I'm a great driver though. I'm a fantastic driver. I just don't like- Yeah, because other people are shit at it. I know, but you are scary the way- Isn't your, how you drive also linked to that part though? Isn't it all one big bit? Yeah, the short fuse, isn't it? Yeah, it's-

And you're a very good driver and an angry driver. Yeah, I am. I'm for those things. I've never seen him be a bad driver. It's just really stressful to be in the car when he's abusing people through a window. But they can't hear me. I'm just getting it out.

There's no harm. Oh, no, I know that. I just feel better. You never use your horn or point out the window ever. They can't see what I'm doing. Hey! Just a purple guy in a car. He can't hear me.

God, he's driving well. I mean, he looks furious. Phenomenal form. It's me, isn't it? I am furious, but I'm also fast. I don't like the film. Special day today. Virgins are people that haven't had sex and it's also a company they sometimes have gyms fast and furious there's a film man's definitely man's

definitely patience oh like i i've got i've got very very low patience for people. Like the other day I was in Cuddy's waiting to pick something up. And he went, oh, the fella just come from the warehouse. I was like, no. I was like, why haven't you got it? Because like I've bought, you both should have it. Just give it to me.

You know, we were talking recently about our shops aren't shops anymore. The other day after the air, this was fantastic, by the way. So Carl was like, he's got it now because he got it from Curry's he wanted the new

Apple Watch he's like I want to get me he went will you come to the Apple shop with me so me, Carl

and Steve were walking to the Apple shop and Carl was like I'm going into an Apple shop to ask them whether they've got

the product they've just released and I'm like 100% sure they're not going to have it and how fucking ridiculous is that how ridiculous is it that there's big fucking billboards in the window going the new apple watch here and i know i'm going to walk in and the woman's going to be like why are you talking about why would we have that we walked in this is the god's honest truth he went just wonder whether you've got the apple

watch fuck off 3000 max pro whatever right that's what it's called the apple watch fuck off 3000 max pro right and she went this is genuinely what she said she went that is a good question and then she went on her fucking thing she's like i'll just check and see whether we've got any stock in right okay right no no we haven't got any stock in i could order it and it'll be um sometime between the end of october and the start of november and carl and right will you have any other stock coming in before that like to sell in store insurance that's an even better question and then said the words that none of us know the answer to yeah

the apple shop everything I've just said to you is verbatim so I bought that that's another really good question the real giveaway was she was looking at a stapler she was like

let me just check I bought this case the other day from my Apple shop and I went in and picked it up it's an item in the shop which is rare and I went can I buy this and she went oh you picked it up. It's an item in the shop, which is rare. And I went, can I buy this?

And she went, oh, you need to, you need to book an appointment to buy. I was like, well, I haven't got one of them, but see the thing in me hand,

I just want it. She went, right, okay. You need to go over to the express team. So I went over to the express team, waited 10 minutes for her to stop talking to somebody about cases,

which was one of the patient's things. And she went, wait there a minute. I just need, I was like, right. She walked away. So some lad walked past her and went, lad, can I buy this?

Just a scouse. And he went, yeah, go on lad. And that's how I bought the product. Sorry, talk me through it. You're in the Apple shop and they won't let you, they won't let you buy something

because you have an appointment. It's like getting to see a GP, getting a product from an Apple store. Even though I have the product in my hand and the payment method. Oh, no. You're blowing my mind here, lad. Immediately want to pay.

I had to go, lad, can I just buy this? And he was like, he understood. He was like, yeah, go ahead and charge me. And then I went on Curry's and got this the next day. Right. The Apple shop doesn't have it for the month shops are fucked aren't they yeah the high street's nearly done so fucked i just don't know what we're gonna do if clothes shop go because i can't order clothes online i can't do it

well you're not you're not you're not on your own you're not on your own but there's so many more people now buying online yeah but i can't do Like, I can be a large in one shop, a medium in another, and a double XL in another, and they're like... Yeah, but 10 years ago, that's what everyone said. We're small because... And now, ASOS and all of these companies are going,

I tell you what, if you just buy 15, 20 things, take them out, try them on. If you don't like them, put them back in a bag and send them back for free. So I know not everyone wants to do that, and that's definitely not...

They're actually stopping people doing that now asos right getting a camp band if you do it a certain amount of times a year oh really people are abusing it and obviously it's not good for the environment how much do you have to do it to abuse it because they will let you do a lot of shopping and giving it back yeah because you've ruined the but apart from shop apart from clothes shops like what other shops aren't getting absolutely twatted by online buying like it's like i even get my fucking eye drops that i used to get from boots i'm like amazon like yeah we'll just do a subscription where it just rolls over i never even have to order them every three weeks it's like there you go dan but like that's boots

fucked because if they can do prescriptions it's just services isn't it like barber shops and stuff and food shops you can't even get your food shops online can't get your haircuts online that'd be mad there will be

eventually though won't there you'll have a 3D printer at home you'll be able to put your head in and it all goes wah wah wah

the haircut fuck off 3000 max pro you come out ginger oh it's on the fucking blink me and Seneca went shopping up fuck off 3000 from Max Pro. You come out ginger. Oh, it's on the fucking blink. Me and Seneca went shopping the other day and it was unsuccessful

because shops are finished. Zara's okay still, but aside from that for men for shopping there's not much. I've started looking in John Lewis. I think I'm getting older

because they've got such a good array of apartments. Have you seen in John Lewis I think I'm getting older because they've got such a good array of departments have you seen how much Heli Hansen Adams went lately and Tommy Hilfiger sometimes

sometimes the way you look at me you know it's like it goes oh my oh my I've started to

really appreciate departments well they're gone soon oh yeah he cried when Debenhams went Debenhams I was never a fan of

John Lewis unless you were an old woman John Lewis goes off like yeah John Lewis is fantastic it's a good day out it's a good day out Adam with his short fuse

what a new fucking tan leather amazing he's always wearing tan leather I'm always wearing tan leather realise how much weight I'd lost yesterday because I put my tan leather jacket on that I wore for the special record

hey opposite of a screech I want can we have a smooth good driving I want this is, opposite of a screech. I want, can we have a smooth? Good driving. I want, this is, listen, I'm pressing screech because I don't have, they're smooth. The jacket I wore for the Philharmonic is too big for me. It's a bit big.

Is it? Yeah, it's nice though. Cool. You lend it me because it'll be too small for me. That's where that's going. How's the cake? Is it nearly here? Oh shit.

I was like, in my head, I was like, that's a that's going. How's the cake? Is it nearly here? Oh shit. I was like, in my head, I was like, that's a break. Stop. Gaz says, if you had to, had to marry a famous sportsman, man,

full loving gay relationship, which one would you pick? Retired or current? He said, he said, I go, I go Jamie Redknapp. Looks lovely,

seems sound, pretty minted, good catch. So Gaz says, Jamie Redknapp seems nice. Then for Christy. Cheat on Louise for your first gay relationship. Yeah, if you're going to suck a dick, it might as well be the biggest one. Well, Lord.

Then for Christy, I was going to pole. Yeah. Even though he wasn't in the event. Cleans phone. He was a runner. He was. He was. I think Even though he wasn't in the event. He was a runner. He was. He was. I think you missed

his joke by the way. I was listening to yours. Say it again. Christy's got a pole. Yeah. In his pants. No that's not what you said. It doesn't matter.

I go with Martin of Fire your double dates are going to look really really progressive can you get Martin of Fire

please Martin of Fire who's that what did he do absolute specimen of a rugby league player played for this is my guess

Wigan and Widness I think in the 90s where the fuck did you pull that name from I've got names in my head Jesus Christ

he got me into rugby league Martin of Fire I was addicted ever since Adi Achenbayi's up there as well he'd cheat me well I'm going Frankie DeTore I'm going to look after my arsehole you two all look together. You two, all the prolapse twins over here.

Yeah, we're getting to the top. Yeah, same. I'm not getting shagged, I'm out of the fire. You think if Linford's not in the mood to be the man, you've got to fucking say it, innit? Linford Christie is going nowhere near my arsehole. I'm gonna bum him until he comes. Oh, gas, it's a great

question I think it's pretty simple I got Frankie Dittori now if we're

genuinely like obviously hey if we're being serious and I think Gaz I think Gaz wants us to be

serious about this I think it's hard to look past Graham Lussow he's not that big because he's already gay allegedly maybe

I don't know apparently he's gay apparently Ashley Cole's gay there was rumours that Jordan Henderson and Adam Lallana were fucking you know for a while

oh Mark Poom who? former Arsenal golfer Mark Poom oh my god yeah did he play for Derby? yeah

Mark Poom or UC Ascalon yeah. He played for Derby. Yeah. Mark Poom. Or UC Ascalon. Graham, that's how I had lovely hair. Fuck. You don't have to start us. Andy Johnson. So I could fuck a thinner version of me.

They have two Derby goals. 3-0. There you go. Was that 3-0? Yeah. When Reina just dropped it on his head erm horrible day that was Zach Stobb says

Zachary Stobbo Stobbo Zachary Zach Stobb says alright lads question is is it weird to stretch

before you give someone a ploughing bit of context I work a physical job and my body's fucked when I get in in order to avoid the awkwardness

of having to tap out midway through a lane pipe due to cramp i've started stretching before it's time for me to put a shift in mentioned it to a few see when you're talking about your physical job you've just got to say have sex i do a physical job when it's time to put a shift in anyway mentioned to a few people in mine and our lasses friendship group and got absolutely ruined over it nobody could get their head round it. My point was that if most girls, ass lads,

have a little gentleman's bath pre-shag, then if my bird wants me to put her through the fucking wall, I need to limber up first. You don't see Usain Bolt rolling up to 100 metres after a full day's graft and not warm up.

Yeah, but you're not going to get a gold medal in fucking pussy, are you? I mean, it's a great point, Zach. And you say Bob's going to have age training. Would love to know your lads' opinions. Should I just suck it up and crack on with the job or have my little warm-up before kick-off? Cheers, lads, from Zach.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but you'd have to do it away from the... You'd have to go, I'm just going to go to the toilet and do it in the bathroom. You can't be limbering up at the end of the bed. If she grabs your dick and you go, hang on, let me do some squat thrusts, you're going to in the bathroom. You can't be limbering up at the end of the bed. If she grabs your dick and you go, hang on, let me do some squat thrusts. You're gonna ruin the mood.

Yeah, it depends what stretches as well. Sex is so much better spontaneous where like obviously you both know what's about to happen, it just happens. Can't be opening the gates. No, that'll look weird. Which was that? Oh, like the leg over the gate.

Yeah, you can't be doing that. Oh, that's so pretentious. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a little like lean do you think you could do the worm are you obviously you're doing it so you're getting naked first to then stretch because i think naked stretches are definitely noncy aren't they i don't think there's any way because you're doing a lunge and your balls are just tapping you've got to do

it in a different room you've got to excuse yourself go to the toilet just be like listen i do want to fuck you but i need a poo I'll be back in a minute but don't poo go and stretch and she'd be like sexy you can't say you're going for a wee because that's not long enough to stretch is it

you can say you just say you're going for a lie down I do want to fuck you but I just need a quick lie down girls love that just going for a wee lie down I'm having a nap

you can say you're going for a shite as well she'd be fairly appreciative I think there's a window Where you don't Want to You don't want the window to close That's my

If Laura's like This is on I haven't got limbering up time I've got to fucking Strike while the iron Luke warm Also just Like if you get a bit of cramp

Like it's fine innit Yeah She could enjoy it more You know when you go Ah You know when like Yeah it looks Yeah it looks like you're really into it

Yeah Or she could stretch it out. Yeah, get her to lift your leg up. Yeah, lay you down and suck you off at the same time. Oh, do the physio. Yeah, yeah. Can we try...

You're cramping up. Eva Canaro. Yeah, do the extra time physio. Oh, remember that Chelsea one. I think it's not great. I think you should try and avoid it. Is that what we're saying? Yeah.

Maybe just start Bikram Yoga with Karl. Monday, 7.30.30 yeah he'd love everyone to turn up I was going to say where work it out it's in Chult should we do some advice always

that's the button I'm in a particularly good mood today so I do feel ready to help people you want to feel as good as me joy on my face. Fantastically.

I honestly love it. Can we play these at the arena? Yeah, it's on Spotify. I think they're going to slap at the arena to use the youth parlance. Do you want to go one, two or three? Because I can't decide which one's best. You're going to go two?

Two it is. Dave Eaton says, Eyelids, knowing how Adam's advice is the best in the game and him also being a qualified lawyer, can you help me with an issue from work? When at work, in times of boredom, I find myself sloping off to the toilets and find myself having a sneaky tug.

I feel guilty a little for a few moments, then realize I'm getting paid to wank. And now I'm closer to going home. But I require some advice. Is this legal? If I get caught, 95% of the time, it's in the cubicle. But sometimes, I have a danger wank in the urinal

would they be able to sack me oh my god lads let me finish and if they found out without me physically getting caught could i sue them questioning how they see me in the toilet oh dave eaton double jeffrey i feel not what it is double jeopardy no it's double jeopardy oh sorry i just was doing a reference from something i used to watch it was shit by the way i feel surely other lids have had a tug at work and i had a tug at work experience and with dan's shady wanking history oh yeah he's already clocked it in public places i feel you two are perfect to give me some advice on this touching issue david david. David. Touche.

Can't be. Just in case I do get caught. Love the pod. Dave. Call the police. Now. Where does he work? On yourself.

The cubicle's fine. The cubicle's fine. I mean, people are pooing next to you. In the same cubicle? No, in the cubicle next to you. Don't join someone else. No, the cubicle's basically the privacy of your own home. That's your cubicle to do whatever you wish with it. That's just getting rid of a bodily fluid.

Urinals are exclusively for piss. Getting rid of a body. Once you're in the cubicle, it's locked. You can do whatever there. Dispose of a dead person, have a shake. You can't wank in a urinal. What? You cannot have a wank.

Where does he work? I have. Into a urinal. Evans Halshaw, Ribble Bank. Yeah, on the Ribble. A car shop. I was just so horny on work experience. I was 15.

Into a urinal. And all those mechanics are like, ugh. Into a urinal. No, in the cubicle. Oh, I've done that. I've never done that, but urinal is... You've wanked at work. When?

I don't know. Zelligs. Where? Urinal. Who? Who? The disabled toilet. is you've wanked at work when I don't know Zellig's where you Rhino who the disabled why zat

I've never wanked at work have you have you you're just letting the best in life pass you by has anyone ever wanked has anyone let's be honest

let's have a little this is just between us and 200,000 people but honestly we're in a safe place has anyone ever

had a wank on have a word time what do you mean as in in the studio as in in the rung in the science centre in rung cord

I told you I had you've had a wank in the studio yeah I was hungover I've already told you on a record alright

in a cock ring on you know what this is director's privilege isn't it yeah my company I've never wanked if I'm hung over

and on my own and I need to do it it's happening yeah lovely imagery there you go everyone but yeah you can't wank

in the arrival that is illegal it's really bad so if someone walks in you've exposed yourself to them yeah that is illegal but they can't wank in the urinal. That is illegal. It's really bad. So if someone walks in, you've exposed yourself to them. Yeah. That is illegal. But they can't do you for being in the...

If they look over the cubicle and you're wanking, if anything, they've violated you. It's double jeopardy. What? They can't do you. Yeah, stop. Stop. Stop doing the urinal

and just keep it in the cubicle. You're fine there. That's literally... That's the VAR. Depends where he works as well. Yeah, he works at a nursery. If it's a school or nursery, call the police. Yeah, defo.

Can't be having a wank at the nursery. Yeah. I mean, that's just the rules in life, isn't it? Can't have a wank at the nursery. The AR. Cubicle. Oh, sorry. Is that in the cubicle? Yeah, but never want to get the nursery. The AR. Cubicle. Oh, sorry. Is that in the cubicle?

Yeah, but at certain jobs, it doesn't matter if there's fucking... It could be in the disabled bathroom. You could use the disabled. What's your disability? Bathroom. I'm so horny. Are you explaining that too?

I don't know. The manager. Oh, God. What's your disability? Horny. I had a booner. Booner. I disability, Paulie? I had a boner. Boner. I had a boner.

I had a boner. And today I've got hangover. Don't wank around, kids. It's just quite an easy rule for life. If you work in a school, take it on with you.

Thanks for underlining that one, Carl. Can we please have a break? Yeah. When Carl's having trouble, don't wank around, kids. And that is the new merch available. can we please have a break yeah when Carl's having trouble don't wank around

kids you know and that is the new merch available have a word is it too too far was it

yeah oh that's a lie that's a lie alright guys want to tell you about our sponsor Stitch Fix we love Stitch Fix

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forward slash word welcome back R3 got Colm Tiddly Mr Mainstream himself industry darling Welcome back I've always said I love the industry

And I always respect All of their decisions Mr Saturday Night How are you lad? I'm good yeah Thanks for having me Yeah no thanks for coming in Nice to be in your

Aeroplane hangar For podcast studio Look you know We need space Yeah we had a table Tennis table That means brother got me For Christmas

Where were we going to put that If we didn't get An entire attic Do you know what I mean Salsa Fucking competition Dancing Yeah we do line dancing

Multi-purpose venue I mean we all have a line and then we go dancing We are doing line dancing next year In Nashville, we are Yeah we are I knew you'd do that Everyone from Ireland or the UK As soon as they go to the States it's always like

Cowboy hats on, a big steak We're taking the US by storm. And then they go, let's go to a Trump rally. It's the same shit. I'd love to go to a Trump rally. He might be sort of gearing back up by April as well. You can't get tickets. I'll know the promoter. We'll get in. We'll get in through the back door.

You know what I mean? Might have to open for him. But who the fuck hasn't? You know what I mean? I can't. We'll get in. We'll get in through the back door. Do you know what I mean? Might have to open for them. But who the fuck hasn't? Do you know what I mean? I can't wait to fully do Nashville. I'm getting a cowboy hat. Yeah, custom one. No, of course you are. I know.

I'm getting the boots. I'm getting the boots, the hat. Why are you acting like you didn't know that? You're getting one as well. You can get me all the cowboy hats you want to buy me. If I wear them or not is up to me. Oh, the suitcase. you want to buy me. If I wear them or not is up to me. Oh, the suitcase

that I didn't bring. The hats aren't bad. The boots are a little bit ridiculous. What are you talking about? Boots. It's everyone's dream

to dress like a cowboy. Like Woody from Toy Story? No, it's not like Woody from Toy Story. It's more Indiana Jones in it.

Do you know what I mean? He's not a cowboy, is he? What? What are you talking about? He doesn't wear boots at all. Doesn't he have a fucking He wears sandals. I mean? He's not a cowboy, is he? What? What are you talking about? He doesn't wear boots at all. Doesn't he have a fucking-

He wears sandals. He's more George. He's got a snapback. What? The fuck? Independence Day. Yeah, yeah. Indiana Jones.

What? I don't know if you watched any of the movies. Full metal jacket. Cowboy boots. What? What the fuck? I just think it'll be good If we all get custom

Cowboy boots and that And bounce through Nashville And we don't take them off For the week Colin you live in New York New York New York

Have you been down Nashville Tennessee? I have not Alright okay No gigs I mean you There's like 9 million gigs Where you live like

Yeah exactly And then the south Is harder for Tickets At first you know i can sell some tickets up northeast but south i'm not there yet all right now that i'm on this we're doing the national arena when we go oh i'm not excited about that

can't wait get them tickets nashville arena who's that Sponsored by Toyota Yeah Yeah but I've been to I've been to Texas That's why I'm wearing This fucking orange This is Yeah I recognise the Stubbs

That's where Stubbs is Chappelle and Rogan Were doing their Sort of COVID gigs there Weren't they Yeah Yeah

Almost artistic That you know that I just Yeah I just He is That's insane He is I probably am

On the spectrum Colm's been here Four minutes And he's absolutely. He is. That's insane. He is. I probably am on the spectrum. Colm's been here four minutes and he's absolutely nailed that one. That's insane. I only, I only know it because I have the shirt. And I heard them say it on a fucking pod. I do, I do have a weird source. Maybe I've got a bit of autism in there.

Yeah, wait till you're in a cowboy hat. That'll help. Wait till you see this. Where's that t-shirt from? That's a noisy mix. When he's taking. I have a weird memory in that, like, some things stick with me and other things just disappear.

Yeah. Like, I still know the phone number. Babelows. For Babelows Pizza Place. I still know the phone number of the house I grew up in. But, like, you know, emails you Of the house I grew up in But like You know, emails you need to send today It's just gone

The frog and bucket Where's that from? I've lost my laptop, you know Oh, have you? It's happening Can't do it Can't find my laptop What's happening with your phone?

Oh, shit, that's broken as well. Oh, my God. How do you misplace a laptop? I don't know, lad. I don't know whether I've left it. He's on it all the time, usually. Yeah. Can't get him off it.

Literally. Just send an email at them. They want to give you money. Lad, I can't do it. I'm drinking green juice. Hey, these kale smoothies are fucking lovely. I like the ice cream growth on top of it. It looks like Hulk jizz.

You don't want to make him horny. Don't make me horny. Why didn't you have one done? Why didn't you have a cream? Because he's not on the health kick like Hush had, is he? What are you drinking? I'm drinking... We need a drop for that.

Just a... Mmm, they're smooth. I'm drinking Sneak. Use code WORD10. I nearly said Carl10. Use code WORD10 at Sneak. It's an energy drink. Mmm, it's so flavourful.

We take sponsorship very seriously, yeah. I'm drinking it from a sneak receptacle, which is not what they call it, ever. Different receptacles, different tones. Mmm, autumn. Autumn red. What's going on today? Everyone's in a stupid fucking mood. Yeah, of course.

And I've just realised for the first time ever, I probably a little bit autistic i didn't i've never really considered that before i thought i won the spec hole lads yeah and i was good with numbers when i was a kid as well yeah if you drop matches on the floor i'm not picking them up i'll tell you how many are there though but adhd as well what you definitely have adhd yeah but everyone everyone has that every every person lost to his level Every person I think everyone has that Is that not just like Comforting for you

I've never met someone Who's not Bored all the time Yeah yeah That's true Yeah Comedians all day All good comedians

Are a bit mental At least a little bit On the spectrum Hey Do you know what I mean They're all Interesting fucking weirdos Aren't they Odd yeah Yeah I reckon you're on the spectrum hey yeah you know what i mean they're all interesting fucking weirdos aren't they odd yeah yeah sure you're on the spectrum oh yeah 100 he has nachos for his

christmas dinner i had brown sauce for the first time accidentally in my life two weeks ago what what wait what did you think it was i just just i just trusted that the moron working at mcdonald's that day could just get my order right but to be fair to them they did repeatedly go is that your order on the screen? And I was so ADHD

I was like yes! And his head brown so I was like I said it out loud. He's also a grown man who fell over before. There's something wrong

with him isn't there? Dan had a fall this morning. Had a fall. You put shoes on? Dan had a fall this morning. Had a fall. You put shoes on? Dan had a fall. You were fucking flip-flops. He didn't fall over. Oh.

You had a fall. You know what? Very different. Colin, I took a fall. Took one? I took a fall. I'm at that age now. You had one or you took one?

I took him a minute. Took him a full minute to go from upright to on the floor. You were able to go, I'm falling. You told us, you went, I'm falling over. I'm about to on the floor. You were able to go, I'm falling. Yeah. You told us, you went, I'm falling over. I'm about to fall, yeah. Halfway. I took a fucking break.

Oh, help. Exhausting. Yeah. Exhausting. Have you done your shoulders? Oh, you could have... Old enough. I'm old enough now that if I take a fall, people don't go, ah!

They go, oh, oh. Oh, dear. Get the chair oh get the chair get the chair get him his chair love a chair my shoulder came out the other night

when I was in bed again yeah and I woke up and just put it straight back in just wasn't a bitch about it just woke up fuck off mate you were the bitch last time

yeah 100% this time I just put it straight back in that's the night before you rolled over in your sleep so me my shoulder is prone to dislocation because a few years ago i got in a fight with these like eight lads knocked seven of them out was that eight fucking haymaker i gave him the fucking kung fu do you know you can only knock out seven people the seven of them that you know like again i'm sorry to the families and what i've put them through but that eighth one you know you can only knock out seven people. The seven of them, they're, you know, like, again, I'm sorry to the families and what I've put them through,

but that eighth one, you know, he caught me. I landed on my shoulder and it popped out. And now sometimes when I'm asleep, it does come out. They come out the other day, I woke up and I was like,

oh, for fuck's sake, it's out. And I just went, and it went right back in. Yeah. It felt fucking great when I done it. Yeah. You just battered your own shoulder? I just like fucking shimmied my body

and it went right in. Fuck off, mate. All that Hulk jizz making you strong. Yeah. Is it ever coming out while wanking? No.

Because that's mainly wrist action, isn't it? Are you left-handed or right-handed? What? I used my other hand. No. No.

I don't know why. I've said it before. I don't know why. I've said it before. I don't know when it changed either because it wasn't always that. You have an away leg. You know what it was? What? You got a computer

and you had to use your right hand on the mouse. It's that. That's a very... Oh, my God. That's it? Because it's the mouse on the right? That's exactly it. What else about wanking do you want to know?

No, I'm not joking. I might be on the spectrum too. I've taught myself to use the mouse. I've seen a case of this before. I cannot believe it. Professor Wank. Wankology. That's so true.

I've learned to use the mouse on the left. I use the... Because I can't away leg it I know see I talk why do you need the mouse when you've started you're talking about

oh you need to skip scenes because if you want to see ADHD in action yeah I I honestly I need to try and find the perfect scene

and sometimes I have to oh my god this is bad sometimes I bookmark a good scene and go this could be the cracker that i regret moving on from so i go passing up you know what we peaked five videos ago and i go back to my bookmarks yeah yeah you bookmark them that's not insane i thought i thought we're just new tab and stuff so enjoy your video and use it again. That's what they're saying. What are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about?

This is a Paralympic level wanking. Paralympic isn't good enough. Cause it's fucking mental. Oh my God. There's so many bookmarks. Let me read them. Let me read them. Let me read them.

Let me read them. I'm going, you haven't deleted your history. You animal. You fucking the most. You fucking crazy animal. I have never in my life been this happy in my fucking life. I've got no shame as well. What have you not deleted your history? Read them all.

Listen, every time you finish one, give it a ding. a ding no don't even need this yes go give us one right okay so they start off the first threesome ho Holly Banks wants two cocks. The second one, real estate agent makes her exotic sexy customer. Dot, dot, dot. That is a banger, by the way. She's like Hispanic lesbian. She looks like a Puerto Rican pixie lot.

Dirty hot wife fucks black and Asian bull in threesome. That's very international. Progressive. that was commissioned by the BBC hot milf enjoying black cock exclamation mark can I just

I'm telling you that now there is going to be a lot of black cock in this I'm just telling you wife gets cream pied by BBC and hubby

I knew the BBC oh that's a good one he lets it yeah yeah that's a good one the cook, he lets it. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. You're into the cook. The cook all the time. Oh, I started getting into it, yeah. All right.

Luckily, a lot of the trans stuff I'm into is on Twitter. My best lesbian strap-on fucking ever. Who doesn't like a lesbian strap-on? Pretty tattered femme gets fucked in front of men. Yes. Arctic monkey. I feel no shame so far.

Speaking of the Arctic monkeys, Arabella gets a just dessert. Oh, nice. Oh, nice. Czech college party. How we do it. That's a gangbang site. I almost resent the fact

they're from the Czech Republic. Thick big tits teen stepsister catches a younger brother wanking. I don't know why I enjoy the stepmom. You have a huge palate. Thank you. I'll tell you that much. I'm quite open.

Thick. Is this one session? What? Is this one session? Surely this will be a few sessions. Thick stepmom. Probably about a gram of coke. Thick stepmom and stepsister.

Shake cock. Honestly, that's one of the best videos in that list. Fucking pregnant Maxine Holloway. I genuinely don't remember that. I don't mind the prego once in a while. Who's Maxine Holloway? Maxine Holloway?

I don't know, but I think she's Ian's sister. Long-tongue-sucking cheerleader is lesbian. That is the best video. It's just two porn stars snogging. The best thing is... It's so good. No, but it's so good.

That's the sickest one. Just kissing. You want the girls kissing each other. What? My favourite thing is right below that. It's 2023

printable monthly calendar. You dirty bastard. You dirty bastard! You horrible bastard! That's the most offensive thing that I still print. And then patreon.com slash have a weird pub. Yes, that's... We know what's setting off. I know what's setting off, yeah.

You're doing well. Yeah. Now go on MySpace. Oh. It's the ADHD in order, yeah. Honestly, when I just seen that list, I hadn't even read any of them yet. I've never experienced joy like that in my life

wow that is a gamut why is there I'm very honest about Colin I'm a perv is there stuff you're not saving

in case this situation arose no no also you know I'm I genuinely I'm 41

I don't give a fuck my wife knows I'm a bit dirty she's like have at it like I'm at the point where me being honest fuck. My wife knows I'm a bit dirty. She's like, have at it. I'm at the point where me being honest about being a dirtbag is working out really well. When I was pretending to be like, hey, I'm everyone's favourite comedian.

Hack, boring shit. I'm like, I'm an absolute fucking filth pot. Everyone's like, go on, Dan. Go on, Dan, lad. That was unbelievable. Who's a black Asian bull? I almost want to watch that just to see if he was like... Is that an actual bull?

Come on, bro. Come on. Black Asian. Is there any black Asian? I'm not watching bull porn. No, mate. Is Tiger Woods black Asian? Blasian.

Yeah, Blasian. Yeah, Blasian. Half Thai, half black. He's not a bull, is he? He's a goat. Hey, thank you very much. I'm a cunt. God. Yeah. That cunt. God.

Yeah. That was spectacular. Nice. Colm, you are over in Ireland at the minute. You come to visit us. You're doing Hot Water this weekend. Yeah. And you're coming back in December to do some tour shows.

So we'll just plug them now. We'll do them again at the end. Nice. Yeah, please come out. Do you know the dates of every... We've got the Liverpool date up there. That's the 2nd of December, a phase one. This needs to sell out.

It's one of our favourite rooms with one of our favourite comedians. If you haven't seen Colm do stand-up, go and see it in one of the best little rooms in Liverpool. What's the date again? The 2nd of December. 2nd of December. And then December 1st, I'm in Glasgow.

And then December 3rd, I'm in London. Okay. And the London one's going to sell out. Where are you doing in London? The Marquee. London. Okay. And the London one's going to sell out. What are you doing in London? The Marquee. Yeah. Nice. I just found these little rooms.

The one you're doing in Liverpool's great. Dan's ran some gigs there. Yeah. I've done three in there recently, and I've got three coming up in October. That's where I'm doing, like, my Adam Rowan friends, getting the new stories, ready sorts of shows. 80, 90 people people in the atmosphere

is great in the right part of town yeah well come on now if you want to hear they will i wish i had an american accent your accent has changed a lot from when we met yeah yeah we met a couple of years ago edinburgh festival and i had my show it was my debut year which i'm shite show and you were doing your show at the tron. But you had a show just before me. Yeah. Comedians of the World. Yeah, it's called Around the World. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Around the World. So I see in column every day. Like, almost every day. Yeah, yeah. I'd be flying outside and you'd be like, some cunt's strapped out. Will you just come and do 10 minutes?

Oh, I wouldn't have booked anyone. And then I'm like, Adam will be handing out flyers. But it was great for me because he'd have a full room and I could go listen and I'd go on last do 10 minutes that wasn't in my show

and go hey none of that's in my show and if you just don't move just stay where you are for another hour perfect yeah not a lot of people

took the option but it was worth the effort every other day ever thought about going back Edinburgh yeah I'd love to go back next year actually

if I can get a decent room I don't want to I don't want to lose money did you lose money on the Tron I did yeah at least overall on the run

yeah I didn't make money I want to go and make money yeah you can do it yeah I think the tides change a little bit

with that yeah I think there are promoters who give you a better chance like Monkey Barrel are fucking yeah that'd be great that's what I've been told i'm gonna hit them up so if you're watching monkey barrel and just the tonic i know we mentioned him a couple of like i like what he

does in in edinburgh as well yeah yeah but the old fucking system where they just screw you hey give us 11 grand and look if you sell out every single day and don't pay for any food you'll only lose three grand across the month. You're getting to it back. Do the New York comics talk about the fringe? I mean, obviously your part, like, is it? Because I know Arish Shafir comes over and does it and he rates it. I've heard him talk.

Is there any sort of like, I want to, because I remember being there a few years ago and Hannibal Buress, just before he kicked off, was doing Edinburgh. Occasionally you see these like, the hot tip or whatever from the states that you've heard about on a podcast or something and then all of a sudden they're at edinburgh or is it just seen as a bit of an oddity yeah but most people they don't want to leave for a month they don't want to do an hour every fucking night and they want to make good money because if if you're selling tickets traditionally if you were american and you were selling tickets in edinburgh that means

you're like making big money in america so it's like a waste of time but what a lot of people like what so dan soda did when he came over and i think michelle wolf they were running their hbo yeah fucking uh specials so that was a way For them to just Get that tight as fuck Yeah Before they came back That's smart So I think An hour every day

Like before you're Taping a massive special Like that's Edinburgh's there now For comics I think To just be used Yeah It should only be done

When Obviously there's gonna be People on the way up Who wanna do it To get better Or cause they think It's still gonna give them A chance of a fucking

TV career Which is just bollocks like it should be used now by comics who are like oh I'm going on tour I get to do a show every day for a month

or two weeks or whatever or especially at the end of a tour or if you just want to get like some people tour for less than 30 shows anyway most people do

like do it at Edinburgh every night that show can be tight as fuck I'm ready to film without touring at all if you can't be arsed with be tight as fuck I'm ready to film without touring at all if you can't be arsed with it yeah

I think I'm going to go next year and do 10 days yeah can I come yeah yeah cool see you there but nowadays

with the internet I think all the scenes like because look at all the American comics that you guys have had on recently and I'm sure when you guys do your little Nashville trip

you'll be do a bunch of interaction and i know you did a bunch of podcasts when you were over yeah like it's all because of the internet and everything everything's kind of yeah becoming the same thing so i'd imagine in a few like five ten years edinburgh before i'd be full of interacting like that you know i do think it will get like that and podcasting especially like sort of like the uk is now sort of doing it as well it's made everything so international like yeah the cost sorry the cost of the fringe is is based on this is the chance to be at the work fair where all the tv producers are if the tv producer thing is held up as a it's just it doesn't work does it that's not happening people's careers

aren't being blown up by like it's not worth the investment for hundreds of comedians the internet all interlinking and cross-pollination between podcasts and clips and you being on here and us being on your podcast and all of that completely negates the need for like oh my god i'm at i'm at the fringe where all these tv producers are seeing me so that system where you lose eight grand just looks like bullshit spend eight grand on some fucking cameras in a producer and you will get way more from it also there's an argument now that like there's not much unless you get put on every tv show and you're the fucking team captain on all the panel shows and you get to host live at the apollo for the whole series and all that it doesn't really do that much for you like i loved doing live at the ap Apollo because it was bucket list for me.

But my clip has had more views than the episode did. Yeah. Because it's just a highly produced clip. I imagine it'll be the same, like you did Fallon recently. That clip will do a shitload of views. Yeah, overall with Fallon, I got like what? Like 100 new followers on Instagram or something. Seriously, is it that? Yeah, it wasn't really much. and I got like what like a hundred new followers on Instagram or something like that but seriously that's

yeah it wasn't really much in terms of the general public it'll do nothing and I don't know they say it has a million views but I imagine by the time my show comes on at the end they're all

because you know Brad Pitt was talking about his dog or whatever but then they just have some fucking dope come along trying to make you laugh but it was good for me

because it does mean i can do other industry things you know because i was always i'm in that weird crowd of funny comedians that was outcasted funny comics um where we don't most people don't get tv opportunities and i just somehow fluked it i don't know what happened How did it come about? I was in the cellar Yeah And I just got passed At the comedy cellar

Yeah So I was working A little bit cleaner Than I normally do Yeah And then the scout The talent booker Was just there

In the back of the room And I had a fucking good set And it was funny Because all the other I didn't know who he was I thought he was a comedian And I was like Fucking they're good tonight

Or whatever And he was kind of like I was like He's a bit of a prick isn't he? And he thought I was like Smoothing him I thought he was just comedian And I was like Fucking they're good tonight Or whatever And he was kind of like I was like He's a bit of a prick isn't he And he thought I was like Smoothing him I thought he was just a comedian I'd never met

And then Other comedians were going up And they were bombing And choking and stuff Because they were all like Nervous because It's my opportunity And I didn't know

First of all I never wanted to do the show I've never watched the show I barely even I don't even think I watched my tape From the show No one's watching it

Unless you're a pregnant woman In the mid tape from the show. No one's watching it. Unless you're a pregnant woman in the midlands of fucking America. No one's watching. No one watches late night TV. Luckily, that is your target market. So like, when you go on tour next year, it's just full of women with three-month-old babies. No, I like them when they're pregnant.

So does he. Send me that. Yeah. Are you into the pregnant stuff yeah sorry to go back to that but not really kind of

that's turned me off yeah I've had a pregnant wife it's not as sexy as you think no but like for me it's like the challenge it's really not

she was fuming one time she was like you are we're gonna have sex now she was annoyed through the whole process she was annoyed when she was like

we are banging and then when during sex she was you know she was getting frustrated we are banging. And then when, during sex, she was, you know, she was getting frustrated. Love you so much, babe. Thanks for being the mother of my children.

The only turn on for me with the pregnancy thing is, could I fuck her so well, I make it my baby. There you go. And that's how, that's how genetics works, isn't it?

Just saying, is it possible, right in there. Is it possible that like, the DNA test on the kid when it comes back could be like, oh,

we don't actually know who the dad is. Yeah. There's's two Maybe just Just has your hair Just it's arm or something Just the eye Because it has a burnt mark One dislocated shoulder

Saddoms It wouldn't mix though Would it yeah Like it wouldn't It's not like it lands on it's head Right Like it doesn't They're different rooms right

Whatever I don't know what What It's like a crime scene Found on the baby And like oh that's it't, they're different rooms, right? Whatever, I don't know what, what? It's not like a crime scene. Found on the baby and like, oh, that's it.

What do you mean, different rooms? Like if you, yeah, the baby's not where the willy is. You're not getting a blow job. Learning with Adam. Hang on,

what do you mean? What? The womb. You're not shagging the womb. So where's me decoction? It does... Into the passage. Not de la chateau.

Different bits in there. Hang on, you thought you were just shagging the womb. Hold on a second. Hang on. Yeah. Adam's like, isn't the baby like, fucking a lad, lad, lad, what are you doing? Can I get a cup?

I mean, I know the baby's not here. Oh, God. I know it's not there. They are rooms, the womb room. Where do you think it was, here? No, but the baby's there, isn't it? Yeah. So it's close enough.

It is. Surely there's a little window. The baby can see, my dear. A window. Oh, no. It can. It's such enough. Surely there's a little window. Like the baby can see my there. A window. Oh no. It can. Like it's a time capsule. That's a fact.

If that baby's got its eyes open, you're telling me it doesn't have a fucking clue what's going on. It's in a sack isn't it? Baby's a lot more switched on than you fucking give them credit for. The baby's in there, but stop discrediting babies. Sorry, sick of it.

The baby's kind of like in a little sleeping bag type of thing. Yeah, it's in a sack isn't it? And you're kind of just. Yeah. You know something's going on, but. Yeah, it's in a sack, isn't it? And you're kind of just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know something's going on, but... Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. You know something's different.

It's close enough. It's like being abused on a camping trip. Yeah, but you... No, hang on. You can close the sleeping bag, but someone's still trying to figure... But you're all made out. Like, oh, you put your dick in there,

the baby's on her fucking shoulders. No, it's in a different room, though. It's like it's in a sectioned office. It's in the en-suite. It's not a different room, is it? Come on, mate. in a different room, though. It's in a sectioned office. It's in the en suite. It's not a different room, is it? It's behind the velvet robe. It's in the wardrobe. It's not even a room.

It's like in a hostel when they put a fucking towel up to block out the bunk bed. That's my point. That's not what it's like. If I was fucking someone on the other side of a towel, you'd know something was going on. Fact. And we will prove that now.

Get a towel. Jack, get the camera ready. Fucking hell. If you were a baby, would you be mad if your ma was fucking someone? It depends. Oh, God. If you think too much about preggo porn, you're like, at some point, that video is going to be on the internet

and that kid is going to get older and be 15 and on the internet and probably wanking and then... Mum! you think the worst thing about that is the fact that he's like that's me in there or that's my mom uh that's the same that's my exactly but that's the same for all porn isn't it all porn stars can become mothers they're not exempt just because they've took cock for a living no there's something about there is something about preggo porn that it's a bit more there's a lot of porn through porn stars i imagine are like i'm not banging during pregnancy quite intrusive i mean there's probably people like you can make any choice you want when you're pregnant be like it you know preggo gang bang is a bit rough in it yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't yeah it doesn't fill me with hope

you know i mean all sex workers porn stars go go ahead go ahead but there's some there's something Yeah, I don't. It doesn't fill me with hope. I mean, all sex workers, porn stars, go ahead. But there's something about the, what trimester are you in? That's a bit much, isn't it? Yeah. Second trimester's always the easiest. That's when I gangbang. That's the Lamaze class.

What's my master year? Annunciate, love. We don't know what you just said. Can you please leave the class? Loads of dads at that class for some reason. It sucks us all up. No, I love the baby classes, me love. I'll go. You put your feet up.

You're fucked. You don't go. Yeah. I'll go and I'll be half. Yeah. No, but some men do go to the baby classes on their own. No! They do? No.

When the woman's being all fucking whingy because she's in pain and that, some fellas go on their own. The pregnancy classes. Yeah. There's a red flag. Why? You got to turn up to the pregnancy classes

with the pregnant woman. Yeah. Otherwise, she's just a fucking weirdo. A pregnancy class. You all right? What's your name? Gareth. Where's your wife? She's at home. She's in a fucking weirdo. At pregnancy class, you're all right? What's your name? Gareth. Where's your wife?

She's at home. She's in the car. She can't make it. That's so much worse. She's in the car. I'll write it all down. It'll be all right. Don't worry.

No, but like, if I was with a girl and she was pregnant and she was like, I can't be arsed going this week I'm so Like If I'm ever going to have kids I want to be

The best dad You can fucking Shove the bell up your arse mate No Bang that bell for me Be honest Bang the bell I would go on my own

And I would take notes And I'd go back And be like Look Apparently this This and this Apparently you push You take notes

You take notes What Why do you take notes? I think my laptop What? Come on bro What do you mean? You turn up 20 minutes late

With a fucking Starbucks Yeah yeah Talk me through it Can I come? Can I come? Is anyone fucking sick today? Nope Not one of them

Alright Gareth How are you lad Asking someone Send me your notes will you Cheating You send me the homework will you Ted's on full sleep I'll send me that

I'm getting home Ste That's when you know You're really lazy As a future dad When you send Finn To do the fucking No I would

Absolutely go And I would absolutely Make notes Okay girls If you want to fuck Adam and have his baby he'd be great I'm gonna make a

fucking phenomenal father one day call him I think yeah we can all agree on that yeah you've seen me with kids

they love me because your tongue is green they're laughing at you because I'm a picture of health drinking ice cream can't kids love that drinking ice cream I'm all my nephews Drinking ice cream Can't kids love that? Drinking ice cream I'm all my nephews and nieces

Is like favourite uncle That's what they say to all of them What? You only see them Every so what You only see them all the time And when you do You probably give them loads of sweets and fun

I do yeah Well time to come round to yours on a Sunday When you're on your phone You can't be arsed doing anything Are you going to be your favourite then? I mean I probably wouldn't be no But that's where you put your effort in With your children.

That's not the job of an uncle. No. Oh, I'm the same. I see my niece sporadically and she loves me because I'm fantastic at them points. Oh, yeah. And you've got expendable income and you're not tired. Yeah.

Fucking great. Oh, so Pokemon cards are back, apparently. So she's got loads of Pokemon cards and so have I. Like a collection that I love from Japan and she went to my house the other day my mum texted me when we were here recording and said

Scarlet said you can have your Pokemon cards and I replied angrily like no no she fucking can't never mind like I think I went and I rang her and went

you didn't give her fucking Pokemon cards and she's like no they can give her any but yeah you didn't threaten how old scarlet no my mom all right how old scarlet uh eight she's smart as well yeah carl said i can oh very smart carl said i could have them what i said was i'll get her some nice but she was like oh i can have them now it's a good light what kids do in it't it? Oh, should I have loads of cake? Yeah. That's shit.

I, uh, I think just the greatest thing, like I used to sugar them up my niece, my nephew when he was like five. I can't say that about kids, you know. What, sugar them up?

I used to sugar them up. Yeah, you can. You can, I mean, it's a reach if you're making it sexual. Give me some sugar. Right, okay, yeah. Oh, no, am I dipping him in sugar?

Yeah, I was dipping him fucking. Am I meant for going straight to that? I used to sugar the kids up. I didn't go to that way. Sugar them up. You just got those pedo thoughts in your mind. If you ever rang me and said, can I come to yours and sugar your kids up?

I'd say absolutely not. That's not how I used it. That's not how I used it. I think you're thinking sweeten them up, right? If he said I sweeten them up. Yeah, that's different. It is different, yeah.

I tell you what, looking forward to that phone call. Adam, can I come round to your house and sugar your kids up? No, Dan. Fuck off. Exactly. It does sound wrong, doesn't it?

You're making me point for me. Yeah, totally. To be fair, if I said, can I come to your house and give your kids some sweets? Keep your lesson. No. No, I wouldn't. I'd be like, yeah, that sounds lovely.

No, you wouldn't. You'd put the phone down and get your own sweets. Oh, God. Get your own sweets. Hiya. Hiya, it's Uncle Dan. Fucking get your own sweets and fucking leave my Pokemon cards the fuck alone.

As if he said, can I come round to yours and take your kid's sweets? No, Dad. Get your own sweets. Just to let you know, Colin, this has got all the energy of a patron exclusive. We just have the worst fucking stupid arguments. You're a pedo.

No, I'm not. I just like sweet. Oh, God. Holy shit. So where's, so you're at Hot Water this weekend. You played Hot Water before? Yeah, once a few years ago, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I just did one. You're doing the full weekend this time? Yeah, Friday, Saturday. Oh, mate, you're going to have such a good time. Yeah. Also, it's 19 gigs as well. Are they back to the 270 gig thing? No, it's five at the minute. It's five, Saturday. Oh, mate, you're going to have such a good time. Yeah. Also, it's 19 gigs as well. Are they back to the 270 gig thing? No, it's five at the minute.

I'm doing five, yeah. Two on Friday, three on Saturday. Exactly, yeah. Which is probably not unusual if you're in New York, but over here, that's way more gigs than... Six at one point? A couple of Christmases ago? Six in one day?

Oh, yeah. I think it started off... Five in one day was a Saturday. I did five in one day was was a saturday i did five in monday last week because me and paul smith were both on so they opened the attic as well so we did they'd literally do a gig in the five o'clock was the basement just the basement seven o'clock was you open upstairs middle downstairs and then half nine again the same that's a very new york vibe in it just gig like so my perception of you new york is you get 80 and you have to do six gigs i mean am i is that is that off or is it is it a real sort of

like like follow the fucking yeah i don't know it all depends on depends who you are i guess you know in the cellar at the comedy cellar they've got four rooms which are all on the same kind of two different buildings but there you can jump around. If they like you, they'll give you five spots, but most comics you'll get, most comedians will just get one spot. And then the price is per show, not like per night. But then people will run from there to? New York Comedy Club or The Stand or Stand Up New York

or whatever other little spots you have, yeah. It all depends too Some people are really busy Or some comedians Because they're Torn on the weekend so much They don't even put in That much during the week

Because they're all Podcasting Filming and doing Whatever they're doing Yeah I love it out there New York's great I fucking love it

Professional comedy In New York I think is like The Should be the goal For every scene You know like Lower levels it's tough Because it's fucking I think the The floor level of Talent in New York I think is like the should be the goal for every scene you know like lower levels

it's tough because it's fucking I think the the floor level of talent in New York is lower than the UK and I think it has to be

and the higher the height is so beyond everything we have here yeah well the pool yeah there's just so many fucking idiots

in New York trying to do this fucking comedy of course the the bottom are gonna be the worst but whoever gets through to the top, usually the best. Yeah. I've seen- The best in history. That's kind of why I moved there, you know, because it was like

Patrice and Louis and Bill Burr and fucking all these people who started in New York. And I was like, fuck, I might as well go. When did you get out there? I moved in 2014. Oh, so you've been there a ton. And you had to work through? Yeah, I had to start from the bottom a couple of times because, you know, it just never really worked out. It was kind of working now. Kind of. Yeah. I still don't think it has worked out. No, but your podcast flying as well. It's doing well. It does. All right. Yeah. Column Tittle podcast. It's audio everywhere as well.

Yeah. Check it out. I always dress like the couch that's like my thing i dress like my surroundings yeah that's all right and then i'm in that the clubs and you know i got the tv credit and stuff like that but again all that stuff is it's all doesn't really matter until you just sell tickets like that's all that's all we're all aiming for doesn't it sell some fucking tickets yeah podcast on the side and that's the new dream. Yeah, but New York's amazing, especially if you can see the good guys, because that's where you see the regular,

you compare yourself to the bar, you know? So Shane is like the hottest thing right now. Yeah, he's fucking unbelievable. So like getting to see him in the same room that you do, go, oh, I'm shit actually, you know? Because if you go do great, and then he comes in and fucking crushes you, you go, ah, I'm actually shit, you know? Because if you go do great, and then he comes in and fucking crushes you, go, I'm actually shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the best part about it. I brought him up in London. Oh, yeah. When he did Shepherds Bush Empire. And I come off from sort of opening for him, being like, I did a fucking good job there. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then I watched him and I was like, oh, now that's what was in this room. Can't wait for his new special. It's like like his old ones the first one's fucking excellent but his new hour is so much better than the last one he put out yeah and gillian keeves have just i've watched it i watched it yesterday on my phone while i was getting ready is it just a like a feature length of their sketches they're sat on stage with the live audience right introducing each sketch and then it shows you the sketch have a look

gilly keys they did like a premiere of the sketches basically oh that's sick yeah it's really it's really fucking good I've got the link on my phone

you can put it one or two on in the info list should we have a break boys yeah let's have a little let's have a little let's have a word

from some cunt who gives us money to talk about them wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive Let's have a little moment. Let's have a word from some cunt who gives us money to talk about them. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real?

This is an add this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes. But I would definitely maybe order one size up unless you want to feel like it's a tammy girl starter bra have a word pod.com is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing

we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking pito get some merch but he can't help himself but look at them look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it I like you I think you look good fucking pathetic

but you'll look better in have a word pod merch that's what I was saying just in a more polite way and that's here because Carlo put the graphic in have a word pod dot com

if you can't read get on me how are we par 4 what it's just the way you do the par 4 of 4 not 5 4 of 4

we're eating a Colin the caterpillar not column Colin why are we eating a Colin the capitalist Colin the Caterpillar. Not column. No. Oh. Colin. Oh, yeah. They sound similar. Why are we eating a Colin the Capitalist? Colin the Capitalist.

He is a symbol of capitalism. Eat the rich. Communist birthday cake. It is your birthday. You eat the capitalist. Oh, my God. Is it good? Yeah.

So everyone at kids' parties fights over the face that's like oh his face is getting nailed no but the face is like a separate white chocolate basically thing in it i'm using the box as a plate that's when you know you've made it um who's giving who's giving you a child's birthday cake there yeah someone tried to sugar you up let us know what happened okay um i'm not a big fan of the old colin the capitalist it's hard isn't it no it is calling the capitalist that's another castle

That's another cartoon. Call it the cartoon. He's a caterpillar. Geoffrey the rapey badger. Oh, right. Sort your life out. Stephen, we've got some questions. Yeah, yeah. They're always good.

Emma Rowley says... I'm ready to go. Send in your questions. They'll bore the fuck out of us. I haven't had a lot of sleep, okay? So... Shagging. No.

No. Okay. If you're going to refute things, you're going to do better than that. No. Never. No. I'm Ethan Cullen, the capitalist.

Emeroli says, I've recently started to redo my dating profile on Badoo. What's that? Badoo. Isn't he a redo my dating profile on Badoo. What's that? Badoo. Isn't he a boxer? But Erica. Badoo. Badoo's just another

Tinder. Is it? Yeah. What's its hook? What's its hook though? What's its hook? What's the Badoo hook? The woman has to send

the first picture. Is it? Right. It has to be a bit It's Russian. oh yeah yeah is that the woman has to send the first dick pic it's russian that's what it is fuck off who's this emma what you doing i've been on but it's fine right so let me ask the question i recently started to redo my dating profile.

I wanted to know your opinion on dating age, range and location distance. I'm a single parent. I'm 33 years old and live in West Lothian. It's between Glasgow and Edinburgh. So obviously a Russian dating website is where you need to be. You want to date anyone from Coat Bridge?

No. It's a fucking St. Petersburg. Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad. bridge no it's a fork in saint petersburg yeah it's just vlad vlad vlad it's not like it's not like find a russian.com it's not just have you been on that though russian wife of course i am it's it's just a normal dating website that just happens to be owned by the russian government like the way it sounds great is that in the tagline don't worry about it we're looking for ukrainian hot ukrainian soldiers let us know where you are don't worry about it yes no problem wow we've seen that fella who took it there was a fella

and his wife took in a ukrainian Ukrainian refugee she was an absolute fucking smoke show so he binned his wife off for air and now she's fucked him off she hates him says he's a boring cunt and she's gone off she's gone back to you know you're going to be a boring shag if you go back to war torn Ukraine you'll know what you're boring

I'm off I could die she just fucked his family up and bailed right well I'm we are actually looking for a refugee why

yeah because you lost one have our Jack have yours I don't really want a scouse 27 year old lads he's kicked me out

why are you looking for the refugee well just because of that story do you want a man you said you wanted like a handyman didn't you

no like a 30 year old refugee he's like a joiner can you take a refugee in column looking at his CV isn't she

can he plaster yeah oh my god I'm in yeah he's a plumber as well I can fucking plumb something

my ass what sounded like you were fucking your wife sorry colin i would yeah where are they from yeah what's what are they running does that matter does it the ukraine they're white yeah ukraine what about r? What about someone who's just trying to escape the oppressive regime? What? That's not how that works.

Why? Can't have refugees from the oppressor. Oh, you mean political refugees? No, they don't like the government and they're getting treated badly and they're like, fuck this. Yeah, so it's a political refugee, isn't it? Oh, is it, yeah?

Yeah, that's it. Is Russia that bad? Well, if you're black or gay or... If you're a woman, yeah. Well, then just don't be those things. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. They'll never learn if we keep helping them.

You're an enabler, Dan. December 2nd, phase one. It's not a gig, it's a meeting. I'll be signing hoods. Bring your bedsheets. Would you take in a refugee from like a first world country? Would you take in like a... That's just a French exchange student.

Yeah. Would you just take in like an Italian woman called Glenda? Glenda? Oh. There's so many of them. Adam asked his brain for a foreign woman and came up with Italian,

valid, Glenda. Fail. My name is Glenda. I've been kicked out of Italy because I have a stupid fucking name. This is my brother,

Greg. Glenda, the Italian. Yeah, would you take Like a 19 year old Uni student Who didn't speak English

But do like Spanish To do what? As a refugee? They pay you to live In their house don't they? No they're Refuge they don't pay anything Yeah you get loads of money

For the students Erasmus That's what it's called Erasmus Get Erasmus in An Erasmus student Yeah To look for

They're not having The garden office though Erasmus Elm Thatasmus in. An Erasmus student? Yeah. They're not having the garden office, though. Erasmus Elm. That's where I watch preggo porn. I'm not... They can have the garage. You get paid like

a grand a month to just give them a bed and a break. Do you not know that? What? Yeah. Oh, see. I know somebody

used to have a French girl and a Spanish lad and they'd literally go to uni, come back and stay. Like it's a... I can say essentially a hostel

and they get paid a lot of money what the fuck yeah like a foster kid oh I'm into this that's just a foreign student a foster kid

you don't have to adopt them like a foster person just doing a masters you're my son now but you're not your only thing to do is like make sure you've got a roof over there

and maybe like a little bit of food but you have to feed them no you don't have to no yeah also I genuinely don't have to that's what me little brother probably if you've never heard of him alright well I'm in I'm up sounds great a grand No, you don't have to. Yeah, also... I genuinely don't have to. That's what my little brother...

I don't know if you've never heard of it. All right, well, I'm in. I'm absolutely... Sounds great. A grand for having a foreign kid. At least. It's not a kid. It's like a...

Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, cool. And if they're mature students, sometimes it's like a 45. No, no. No, no, no.

I don't want to see... I want to see Hope. She can mow the lawn, though. It's not funny, but... If you're an old fella, you know. I don't want to see I want to see Hope She can mow the lawn No It's not funny If you're an old fella You know I don't like this show Just drinking all your beer

Yeah Awful Pish This is pish Some old cunt my age I'm retraining How's me No

No I want a little Spanish girl going Can I call you papa Yes Nice I've met a French And a spanish lady in that position they were lovely and i used to play virtue of tennis with the lad and go at roland garros because it was all in french good lad me i'm not 100 i took on all the information you were trying to give me

there he went mental there and i was the only one who lost what was going on somebody who used to house foreign students like that sounds awful house and uh one of them was a french guy called arnu renee uh and he didn't speak much english so i used to play playstation with him and i used to go at roland garros because all it was all in french yeah because i'm a good lad amazing you're a good guy i need at least 1200 quid a month for that you get good money all cool just play FIFA in French so what so

just to sum up our advice to Emma I'd say get on it love you're in West Lothian fuck a Spanish student what was the question right it was Babu

she's on she's on Babu Babu's the name of the guy that runs the takeaway across from I'm on Babu he runs Chili's the

shag him he sounds great oh he's so across from him. I'm on Babu. He runs Chili's the... Shag him. Oh, he's so nice. He's so nice. What's your question? I've already asked it. I can't remember this. He said,

Vladimir Putin's trying to get me to suck him off. She's a single parent. She lives between Glasgow and Edinburgh. She's getting back in the dating. She just wants to know

what she should be doing in terms of age range and location she's 33 so 18 to 85 and global yeah

spread yourself thin global global cock up them air miles no they come to you she's the pussy have you used that is true

have you used the dating apps before yeah but not not in forever like five years Was the last time I used one And I Tinder was the one I used to use

Yeah Yeah Traditional Yeah but then Tinder Became just like a pure It was just a sex thing And I hate that You were looking for

You were looking for love You were looking for something real No connection But the genuinely There is a weird one If you just go to Some girl's house And it's like

Nice to meet you Nice to meet you Into the bed Fuck each other And then you're gone It's like Soulless isn't it Yeah

Doesn't have any meaning Makes you feel empty inside It's a nightmare The pleats have come Oh yeah Empty inside On all counts Yeah you're driving home

Sounds awful Whistling So sad Swiping I think I'm depressed Didn't even get our name Sounds really bad guys I don't know how you get through it

What else I don't enjoy the whole casual thing it gets boring very very quickly what other apps have you got here there's Bumble which is the best one because on that one the woman does have to send the first message

put all the pressure on them for once do you know what I mean they've had it too easy for too long there's Muslim dating. Yeah. Yeah. Muslim dating. There is one.

I get recommended it a lot because of my surname on YouTube. It's like targeted ads. I've been on Muslim dating. No, you- What? You don't have to be a Muslim. You just have to either be a Muslim or into it. What?

Which does actually mean you could end up fucking someone who's not a Muslim and you've just both got a mutual interest in Muslims. I love Muslims. Still get married in a mosque. And the imam's like, what the fuck are you two doing here? In that voice. All right. I'm the imam.

I always thought. Who's Muslim? Allah Akbar. Fucking hell. Imam al-Lahiri. Imam al-Lahiri. Lad, not even muzzy What the matter

And she's not Go at What's the app called What Muslimdating.com Yeah Muzzy match It must be love

Muzzy match It must be Not clipping that one that's not going on socials boys that's totally true totally true that that is a there is a quite a few uniform dating there's loads uniform dating yeah yeah that's that's where the muslim thing comes from for me like like the mutual interest because it's a bit of a there's a Muslim uniform for the

women uniform wear a uniform that's it full Berk I love that uniform it is a uniform

it's a uniform dressing isn't it it is it's a uniform it's a costume it's not our uniform but it's uniform

I can't wait for them to drop their fucking world cup away kit on uniformdating.com when it was still going there was not a fucking

they got a retro jersey a fireman a policeman oh lord silly boys what uniform army colours no but the tagline

for uniform dating is do you work in uniform or just fancy those who do? Yeah. So that's all you have to be to sign up, which means you could just be with someone who's also into it and just doesn't...

Home bargains uniform. It's not what you're after, is it? Someone wants to fuck a fireman. Yeah. Yeah, milkman. A fireman. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Put my fireman oh god yeah oh god yeah put my fire out

so what are you into then uniform uniform come on we all love a bit of uniform can I just can I just throw it out there

throw it out there every time I go to Ikea and see some like the the uniform is so what the baggy pants no they're not baggy they are

like some girl absolutely jammed in those fucking navy blue trousers and that weird yellow stick of rock top it looks so I'm into it

I'm into the I think there's just one girl you saw and then you you've pretended it's the uniform but it's just a

yeah if she was yeah yeah she was near the she was near the kitchen bit you know when they're like I'll design your kitchen I was like

yeah fucking yes it's uncomfortable yes you will I am totally with you on this any sort of uniform does it for me any

yeah but not Ikea surely chef's whites no that's different oh I think I just like the idea

of fucking a woman while she's meant to be working Clue Clucks Clan Grand Wizard. No. Wait, no. SS. No.

Yeah. What? The SS? Yeah, Gestapo. Are you having a laugh? You're going to fuck the hate out of her? You have to play a Jew. That's the... No, you have to play a Jew.

That's the role play right there. Get circumcised before. Yeah. Show us your papers. Documents and papers. You don't know how funny that is, Colin, because I've got a thing for powerful women. That's right. When I say uniform,

I think I just mean like work attire because they could literally have a kfc uniform on or just like a woman in a suit she just wanted woman has a job yeah just really helps me get over my past if the woman can earn her own money just leave the house for a few hours a day job dating.com or just fancy those who do just two people on the door i fucking love people who have a job yeah doll dating

that would be a good TV show. Doll dating? Yeah. Jeremy Kyle X-rated. They go to the park. Love at the job centre. That's so sad. I wonder if anyone's met in the job centre queue.

Nothing wrong with that. No. Not at all. You're like, love, that's your job search done. Can I see your love search for this week? Tell you what, we haven't found your work, but she's giving you the eye. So to answer Emma's question.

That's never answered it. Hey, by the way, Emma Rowley From West Lothian Anytime you want to answer Sometimes I ask a question I'm like Where the fuck is this going You've just given us 16 minutes

Of the best bullshit ever We haven't given you an answer I think you go I normally go So I go 22 To 40 And you're 30

Yeah That's right Right And then I go 35 miles What go 35 miles What? 35 miles? Can we go on now

A train journey or something? 35 miles What's 35? Manchester Oh you're including Manchester Yeah I'll drive to Manchester For some pussy Wow

How are you not taking? What's the other way? Oh the traffic centre That's what you should have In your bio I'll drive to Manchester for some pussy very progressive

do you work at KFC or just fancy people who do I want a 35 mile radius of Liverpool I want to see what pussy you can find it's Preston, Manchester, Chester and some fucking idiot

in a boat in the sea Jack and Rill yeah Rill is the crow flies yeah oh that's good yeah I can see exactly what it means

I have no idea what is that that's good. Yeah, I can see exactly what it means. I have no idea what it is. What is that? That's a radius map. Right. Oh, cool. Cities, 50 corners. Just go on Facebook Marketplace. It's all working out for you.

Oh, there you go. Yeah, Rill. Oh, you can fuck my wife. You can set sail as well. Oh, all the way to Blackpool. Oh, interesting. Yeah, nice. Yeah, I reckon that's about right.

Oh, no, you can only fuck people in salford i'm afraid the rest of greater manchester is out of your range no but like because manchester is within 35 miles like oh yeah yeah you're right sorry burnley not sorry burnley i'm not sorry burnley oh i stand by it all them dirty girls in crew going fucking oh my god burnley's actually a big part of why it was cut and then all look at it all them fishermen can get sucked off as well nice land or no gets fucked off 35 miles seems quite sensible there yeah all right i'll give you that i wanted to take the piss if i was singing i'd say an hour train journey train train yeah why because you're so tired from fucking Exactly My legs? No but I'm saying just as a barometer

Just plucked it off the sky I'll tell you right now There was at one point this year You're taking the piss out of the car But at one point this year And I won't say when I did fuck my legs out of action So that I couldn't drive properly

Oh you had to pick them up? Get yourself a friend like Carl Off the floor I fucked me legs The girl's like She's gonna need a fucking Ambulance With a dart in it

Who am I saying that to Him If your legs If you bang someone so hard That your legs aren't working And it isn't cramp No but it was cramp essentially I just put a shift in

and I hadn't had enough electrolytes. A shift? Are you not just lying down? I'm the fucking B, me mate. Yeah. You should mix it up. Oh, piston P.

There should be some positions. You shouldn't just be lying down. You should be stood up at least 30%. Stood up? Get up, love. I'm not filming quotes. 30%. Hey, I'm not filming quote 30%

I've driven 35 miles for a reason Let's get him at 30% Autism in action It should be a percent, it shouldn't be all on your back No Stood up is 10% that most Even that's crazy Even that's, I'm lying

To make it seem like I'm into that. Oh yeah, it's interesting. Look at that, like, yeah, I'll put it on my shoulders, love. Just carry it off the roof. Yeah, but like, I like a bit of missionary, mate, but like that's me sort of, you know. Yeah, we all know, most of the time. Keep the rhythm.

Like in music class, come on, everyone. Well, that's me in the corner. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. We just have to triangle them. Where am I? So, Emmett, 30% stood up. So, hang on.

Fuck a Russian or a traffic warden and 30% stood up. That's our advice. No more than 35 miles away. No more than 35 miles. Mate, if you're in West Lothian, you want Glasgow and Edinburgh Don't you Look she's a

She's a mother So 35 That's too far She has the kid Yeah yeah yeah Unless she can bring the kid He could drive her there

How old's the kid The kid is 29 And that's West Lothian for you Another four year old mum Damn that's fucking offensive I was 12 That's my slogan for you. Another four-year-old mum. Damn, that's fucking offensive. I was 12.

She could have a kid of age who could drive if she's 30 today. All legal. All right. It's always weird when you talk about kids' ages and they say all legal. No, not all legal. Fine. Yeah, I reckon good mind Edinburgh and Glasgow

whatever encompasses that fear because you don't want to miss out on either of them do you know what I mean you want to go right into the west end

of Glasgow as well and all the way into the east side of Edinburgh everyone's big city cock for you there famous east side

of Edinburgh don't want to miss out on that east side the west end of Glasgow and east side in the fucking fifth

right ridiculous I don't know what to pick now oh would you rather should we do some would you rathers the house we was fucking built on Thomas Sivitz says would you rather be stalked

by a super creepy fan Colin we'll lead with you because I feel like we've talked a lot for a year or would you rather be the stalker for a year would you rather stalk the stalker for a year? Would you rather stalk or be stalked?

What? All right, what? I don't know exactly what they're doing. I mean, you've got to go for it. What does the job in... Look at you trying to... How often do I... I've got gigs. What are the hours, you know?

In my head, if you're going stalkering, you're probably, it's going to affect your work innit I just think I'd love to be a stalker like to be stalked I think it's the biggest

compliment you can get by a guy no it's a guy oh well then I'll do it it's not a 33 year old from West Lothian it's Linford Christie

she can't even run away in magic like he'll be there always Colin we mentioned Linford Christie. She can't even run away. Imagine. Like he'll be there always. Colin, we mentioned Linford Christie before. It didn't just come out of nowhere. That would be so sinister if you had to get like a... If you had to get like the court involved because Linford Christie was just constantly like...

Do you reckon you could stalk undetected? I reckon I could do it quite easily, mate. I'm very, very subtle when I want to be. Yeah, you're like a ninja. Oh, yeah. You really got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

Is the person you're stalking live in Liverpool? Imagine that if you're stood in someone's garden and everyone's like, that's Adam Rowe. Lads, I love the podcast. Can I have a selfie? Adam has a newspaper that holds it. When I'm eating

or stalking, just leave me alone. I reckon I could get away with it. No. Why not? I wouldn't be studying someone's garden. No, because you would look down

at your phone for 10 seconds and the person would be gone and you wouldn't know where they'd gone. He's tracking her. Yeah. Oh, he has a little apple tiger. Get one of those little apple tiger assholes. I'd look. She wouldn't know where they'd gone he's tracking her yeah oh he has a little i'd like to be stalked would you yeah ticket sales yeah 100 every every show you put on

stuff oh brilliant yeah they're super fans really taking a bundle at every show they're just like essentially like 20 pound patrons really they're just like a level up from our top level aren't they they're just following us everywhere as well as on social media patron keep messaging us about adding another tier maybe we should go stalker yeah yeah i've Yeah? Yeah. I've got... You're free to stalk us. I've got... Oh, my God. I got recognised on my front fucking path. Literally, a guy drove past suspiciously slowly. I'm like, don't mind, girl. And I don't mind it, but Laura's fucking face,

Etta's there, jacks in the pram, and he's literally driven past. I went, all right, don't mind, girl. I went, all right, mate. Like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God. I can't see Laura's face. I don't want to see it. He's like, and he's literally driven past. I went, all right, don't let go. I went, all right, mate. Like, oh my God. I was like, oh my God, I can't see Laura's face. I don't want to see it. He's like, oh, I'm a patron.

I was like, nice one. Drove off. She's like, right. That was fucking weird. That was weird. So I'm into being stuck. That was weird. You're going to have to wait until she's out.

Don't Google Maps when it chooses your home or your work. I went to Mandurah Day and, do you live? I won't say the name. I think my home is your house but i've never been to your house what's going on because you're logged into the podcast's gmail ah right i thought like seneca was coming to you i want a 19 year old spanish girl not a 30 year old half spanish guy you can't live with seneca has been going to dams though i thought it was where She's a friend She is

She's allowed to do her shots You fancy her don't you She's fancier I respect her Sexually By the way I show her all these And she loves it

None the respect here For those tits Sometimes Sometimes women want respect With a person's mind I respect people With my penis Yeah

What were you saying about it earlier before, Carl? Like, turn up. But she's fucking great. Even though we turned up before, Dan. Yeah, but, like, I was walking with Dan, and then I walked out because I didn't want it to be bad. Sometimes I just go, like, can I speak to you privately? Yeah.

And then what were you saying? Fuck me, I love Sarah, because she's so great, isn't she? I like that. What was the word you used earlier? Because I've got addiction issues. That one word. You know the one, what was the word you used? Beautiful? No, it was worse than that one word you know the one what was the word you used

beautiful no it was it was worse than that succulent that was it succulent like she's a goose she's a good goose

why would you say that I don't know Carl's very private about his uh private life so we just no i'm not private you are

i didn't say i was private no he's just sensible like i blur everything out like someone came to see me on my street try and find her as well give the address to her

well i just shit myself like why the fuck is dan's hot butt makes sense logged into the email yeah it does it does who did you mention

that would be good to stalk is that someone who doesn't have legs I didn't get the joke you said we could stalk Linford Christie who's that I see Linford Christie

he's an Olympic champion oh Paralympic no because you said he'd be easy to stalk no I thought they can't get away

because they've no legs 100 metre champion I thought you were telling me about some TV presenter in a wheelchair. No, that's Adi Adepitan. Yeah. Wow. Wait, does anyone want

to do another question? No, it is. It is. It is. I'm not saying you're wrong. Let's do another question. That's a good name. Shout out, Linford Christie.

One of the... Oh, God. It's time for Have a Word. It's not me. I've got names for days. You've got... Marlowe Fire. Adi Akambayi.

Adi Adefitan. Podcast. Smooth. We do have a words where, this doesn't matter. This is from Anonymous. Love it. Anonymous.

This is from Linford Christie. No, it's from Anonymous. I need you to have a word with either me or my missus. Keep me anonymous. I value my continued existence. She's a nurse and could make it look like an accident.

Hey up, Alan, Dave, Sensei, Finn, the Magic Dragon, and Senor Stee. I need advice. I've been with my missus a while now, and she gets the arse with me because I like my own space and enjoy my own company. She's a nurse and works shifts, whereas I work Monday to Friday. So for me, my weekends are for chilling or doing my own thing or compromising with her and doing something together, which I don't mind. However, sometimes it's what she wants to do or

watch. However, this brings me onto my point. Because of her shifts, she often works weekends, which I'm thrilled about. It means I get to fuck about with my cars, do extra work on the side, or just mong out. Problem is, she's now realized I enjoy this and tries to use it as a stick to beat me with but as i explained to her i like there to be a balance between my having my own space and seeing her have a word with one of us thanks anonymous so you got a partner yeah yeah they're all like that women fucking you never never let them know you're happy Because they'll take it They hate that Men are the opposite Go take your weekends, do whatever you want

You want to find yourself in Europe I'll pay for the flights Women, they're all like Every culture in the world They won't fuck off Tell her to fuck off That's my point I wrote this.

This is from Colin. I think some, I think it's generalising, but a lot of men like to do nothing for a bit. Yeah. Like that counts as. I have to,

to reset. Yeah. I have to do two hours of literally fucking nothing and then forget what i've done it's not and women can't get their head around the fact that sometimes men aren't thinking anything yeah they can't they can't they don't have that in their brains like sometimes i'm sat there on my phone or off it just and there's nothing on like there's there's nothing playing there's no memory it's literally just i'm just in that second yeah just existing there's no like what am i having for tea oh that was a nice cheesecake

there's just fucking nothing what are you thinking oh nothing tell me what you're thinking no i've literally told you because in their heads it's constant it's constant planning and fucking whinging and he did this wrong and he did that wrong and he did this one thing right but let's not mention that they can't turn it off and we can and that's why we get paid more i'm gonna say have you been so yeah on my tour i've got antonio and and john coming with me antonio's missus is like, oh, really? Is it another tour?

She's trying to be supportive, but in her head, I think the vibe is she thinks he's away a lot with the tour because he's on tour with me. And John and Helen have been married. Rumi and his missus have been married for 10 years. They've been together 20. And every time he's like, I'm going on tour, she's like, nice one.

See you, bye. Because she likes her own space. She wants watch netflix and do her own thing that i think that's almost unusual or is it just the amount of time in the relationship you also need a chance yeah okay yeah you need to be like oh like when you're on top of someone all the time like it doesn't matter how much you love them and how much you like them and how much fun they are eventually you're just like, can you just fuck off so I remember what it's like

to want to spend time with you? Oh, you don't want to talk about it either? What have you been doing? Sat next to you? Yeah. Do your own thing? I just spent a week in Ireland with my girl and now she's gone back to New York

and she rang me in the airport 20 minutes later and I'm like, what could have possibly happened? We spent the last seven days together. And she's just like, I'm getting later and i'm like what could have possibly happened we spent the last seven days together she's just like i'm getting coffee but fuck off it's crazy yeah it's crazy they're all like that but see i think what happens is though a woman if you're happy alone they hear that you're not happy with them, but it's like, it's nothing to do with you. I just want to be left.

Yeah, I think that's it a bit. Like, do you ever see in Breaking Bad, and then he fucks off to New Hampshire at the end of it, and he's like living in isolation. Looks solid. Like, it's like not a, just on his own. In the snow? Yeah, just fucking.

Yeah, the Unabomber, they fucking made me. He just knew how to live. Shed in the forest on Yeah, just fucking. Yeah, the Unabomber, they fucking made me. He just knew how to live. He was shed in the forest on his own. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of lads who don't, who like constantly having, there's. I like both equally. I love being on my own, but like,

if I've been on my own, then I love being with someone. Because the road life for a comic, not a lot of people could do that. You have to be, you have to be this guy. Like, and you have to be with a partner who's like happy for you to be away a bit. Cause I,

I know a lot of relationships where, God almighty, if the bloke was a comic or even vice versa, it wouldn't work. Cause like, where are you?

Where are you tonight? What are we doing tonight? What are we having for tea tonight? Every fucking night. Of course, the benefit of me and Seneca when I was on tour with him, cause I'm not a comic,

but I was on tour. Yeah. It was a way a lot. And she was like, I didn't realise it was going to be like this that's what I'm talking about with John and Antonio it's

there's been like it's been a bit of a yeah yeah I understand where they're coming from yeah you have to work back to getting yeah she never signed up for that no

you weren't a comic when you met you never had any ideals on touring no and then you're like oh I'm going to be a producer for the podcast she's like oh that's great you're going to be on a computer and four miles from the house every day and then you're like I'm going to be a producer for the podcast she's like oh that's great you're going to be on a computer

and four miles from the house every day and then you're like we're going Belfast Amsterdam Nashville you just have to

work it out the time you've got you have to make it precious with them book in your scratching your balls time there's nothing wrong

with it should we pod it should we pod it you happy with the pod? Colm, remind everyone where you're touring and when and where they can find you on the internet. Everything is at colmtyrell.com.

You can check out my podcast. C-O-L-U-M-T-Y-R-R-E-L-L.com. Yeah, I'm on YouTube and I've got dates coming up. I'm assuming most people are from the UK listening to this. Yeah, yeah, majority. So we've got dates coming up in Glasgow,

Liverpool, London and Dublin. Dublin might be sold out, I'm not sure, but it's close to it. And that's December 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 8th, something like that. So just check it out. Yeah, come check it out. Thanks for coming in. There are less than 300 tickets left

for Have A Word Live at the Arena, which is just a ridiculous sentence. It's basically sold out, isn't it? That will trickle to sold out. Thousands and thousands of us going to be in that room. They are at gigsandtours.com and ticketquarter.co.uk.

What? I just remembered something. room they are at gigsandtours.com and tickerquarter.co.uk if you do a brick repointing and brick cleaning and you're in the northwest and you can get to chester you give us a shout i can't find someone to do repointing thanks sorry i know we're trying to sell the arena i know that's important but i really want my house Repointed Yeah No sorry Go on You sell the tickets It's important It's dead important The arena Have you got any tour tickets to sell?

Fuck the tour I need a house repointed There's a lot of brick There's 140 square metres Of repointed Take all the little mortar out Put it I want my bricks cleaned

I want it to look Yeah yeah yeah I thought you were Fucking changing the angle And if you can do it i'll give you 10 free tickets to the arena i'm joking no what i thought that's what i thought that's what we were doing no no no even if you come and give me a quote five free tickets i'll see your uh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah fine you've got 30 do whatever you want with them yeah see you in west lothian

all right emma okay have a good week try not to uh you know try not to break any laws we got a song oh fuck the song repointing call him you've been a legend it's been amazing what's the song tell us about the fucking shite that you want to deal with all right it's it's someone that you've told to get in touch oh i really like these guys this band yeah great really like these guys. This band. Great, we like these ones. It's a band called The Sway. Oh! They're a swing band, aren't they?

Yes. Yes. Jazz. Jazzy swing. It's a tune called Living at Large. Yeah, I love that one. Living at large. Living at large in Liverpool.

Living at large in Liverpool Living at large in Liverpool All day and night Get me on Instagram. Come and repoint my house. Bye. I've got nothing else to say And all that's left is okay I've got a hundred parts to change And we're off to something more strange

And only if we can find the time To leave the love around In search of the great unknown Between the king and the one that ain't a soul Live in the space between hesitation Never lasting love Routines in isolation Rain from clouds of war Let it run like a river

Let it take me downstream Let it run like a river Let me fall into a dream Only if we can find the time To live and love around In search of a greater unknown To be the king and the one that is the soul It's really weak, I don't want that it's so I don't know and I don't care Do you see me? Do you see me now?

La-da-da-da-da-da-da La-da-da-da-da-da-da La-da-da-da-da-da-da Thank you. Thank you. We'll be right back. Thank you. Teksting av Nicolai Winther Thank you.