Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #194 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. I think the colour of this jumper really brings out my skin. What?

How can grey... Compliments me. Compliments me. Yeah. I was looking in the mirror before and I was like, you know what, this might be my colour. Like for the autumn months, I might go with this sort of slate grey. That's not slate.

No, not slate, sorry. Soft grey. Oh, soft grey. If you get a Dulux colour palette of greys up, we'll tell you what it actually is. Do you not like a hard grey? What? Do you not like a hard grey?

I do. I like grey as a colour, to be honest with you. I think it's a very versatile. I'm not a fan of the greys. There you go. Urban chic, I'd say this is. Oh, no, itter warm pewter urban chic lad that's so it's more wishing well i thought it was wishing well yeah it's wishing well yeah well it's making me look well let me you wish come on come on no hey no guest today i've got a sense that we don't need it. There's bullshit in the air.

Wishing well, Grey. Bringing out your what? Skin. Skin. Bringing out your skin. Do you know what I think? I think the hole in the top of the sweater is really bringing out my head.

I tried one with no hole, but it's just in a fucking jumper. It's a pillowcase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I'm just in a very good mood. Oh, let's not bring you down wishing well grey

it was sent to me by unlike humans this so shout out to them shout out to unlike humans get their wishing well grey sweatshirt

with a hole in the top at unlikehumans.co.org .co.org yeah they didn't pay for it so it is.co.org don't even search actually yeah

have you got anything for free no what are you wearing a Dan Marino throwback that we got in at the NFL last year yes

it's very nice beautiful and Finn's got an Oasis jumping on oh of course he is because it's the anniversary of when they brought out

the fifth album that no one liked what is the fifth album I don't believe it that was his favourite album though. Did they change their sound then? I'll tell you what they did do. They stuck on the course.

They kept making the same music and everyone was happy and it worked out brilliantly. They did the best part of the world. Is that how Oasis did? Did Oasis ever change their vibe? No. The last album was a bit psychedelic.

The last album. That was a bit psychedelic. They nicked a different bit of the Beatles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't use that. Controversial. They did though, didn't they? Fucking in the bushes. They was a bit psychedelic. They nicked a different bit of the Beatles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you start. Controversial. They did though, didn't they? Fucking in the bushes.

They are a Beatles tribute band. Fucking in the bushes at the start of Standing on the Shoulders of Giants. I listened to that album for the first time. I was like, what is this? Amazing. The rest of the album, like, oh yeah, there you go. Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

is like drum machines and that. It was different. It was all right, yeah, yeah. It was psychedelic. Gas Panic's very psychedelic. What's your favourite one of that album? What's the story in Morning Glory? One of the show of giants is like drum machines and that. It was different. It was all right. Yeah. Like gas panics. Very. What's your favorite? What are the level? Um,

what's the story? Morning glory. Young people. Nice. WD40. Isn't it mad that that, uh, album's got morning glory in the title. My soul.

What's the story? Cock. Yeah. I don't know if it is. So more or less, what's the story Cock Where's cock

What Where's Wally Where's cock is like an end time of a demon You're right cock What's the story cock It sounds generic northern You're right cock Where does that come from What's the story morning glory Is an American saying Yeah, it sounds generic northern, doesn't it? Yeah, cock. Cock, eh?

Where does that come from? What's the story of Morning Glory? It's an American saying. No, I think he means cock. Cock? Yeah, where does cock come from? Yeah, I like cock. Like, when people call someone else cock.

Not like you're a cock, but like, I like cock. I like cock. What's that come from? Is it short for like cock in Spanish or something? Yeah, because they used to say, Morning Cock in Spanish. and then they were like, wow. No, it was.

Wow. Everyone was called Daniel and then they used the Cockery Rhywingsland Cocker Spaniel and then it went into Cock. Yeah. I don't know how you made that

more retarded, but you managed. Morning Cock. East Midlands. You all right, Duck? Well, well it is morning cock duck is the midlands do you still get morning glory what do you still get morning glory i get it about 3 a.m 5 a.m i'm at that age where i need regular pisses i know morning glory's a fucking a fucking stonk on in the morning isn't it that's what morning glory is it's not like needing a piss yeah but it's it it's to do with your? That's what morning glory is. It's not like needing a piss. Yeah, but it's to do with your bladder and your prostate, though.

It's not just your body every time waking up going, fuck something, Adam! Oh my God! It's your testosterone. Is it? Oh, it's testosterone. I thought it was... It's not to do with pissing.

I honestly thought it was to do with... No, it's having a fucking raging boner in the morning. Oh, cool. So I stand corrected. All wishing well here is ready to fuck. God, if there is one, is looking down going, Adam, you need to spread that seed early. Testosterone is highest in the morning after you wake up.

Well, one of Stephen's friends used to do a night drive home from work and he'd get to a certain point- And just have to wank. At like 4 a.m. And just get a massive erection while he was driving. Well, that's nothing to do with this because you've got to be asleep. Steve, was your

some sort of rapey DPD driver some awful horny milkman every time I'm on this round? Do you remember getting boners on the bus though? Boners on the bus. Boners on the bus. Boners on the bus. When you were younger, you getting boners on the bus though? Boners on the bus, wasn't it? When you were younger, you got boners on the bus.

You went to an all boys school. What were you doing on the bus? I wasn't looking at women. It was the vibration of the bus seat on me balls. Oh, you horny little devil. That is a very common thing. Boners on the bus is a thing. Bus boners.

Bus boners. That's a thing. Google bus boners. The boners on the bus go up and down, up and down Bus boners. That's a thing. Google bus boners. I just thought go up and down up and down up and down No, they just go up

and stay up. Isn't it only one of us has wanked on a bus anyway? Well, it was actually a coach. Stage coach. Get it up because that is actually

a thing. Getting an erection on a bus. Bus boners is not going to come up. Just put getting erect on a bus. I want a company laptop because this is my one. Oh, shut up, Finn.

What are they going to do? You've got a mic. Shut up. The Welsh government are going to take your laptop off you. Urban dictionary. A bus boner is an erection that one gets while riding the bus. It is usually caused by the combination of fatigue, warmth and the vibrations of the vehicle.

Similar occurrences have also been reported in minivans and tour boats. And milk floats by Steve's mate. Minivan bonus. Fucking. Oh my God. All right, cool. There was a girl I went to college with. I remember her telling me,

where the fuck were we? At the train station or something. She told me about how on buses she used to use the vibration cross her legs and then rub herself against the seat until she came how old is she we were both about 17 and i went oh cool and then didn't try and fuck her like i regret that so much she was obviously even now 29 years later oh it would have been so good she was like

literally like that's my favorite oh my god I am 46 come on fuck my boss pussy well at the time

I was like she gets dead only she sounds she's fun and then I thought about it at least twice a month for the last 20 years so probably should have done something about that but i that was every time someone says oh

your vibrations on the on the bus my head goes to dirty girl from college who was great fun by the way i can't remember your name thought about your letter melissa bus pussy that was it melissa bus pussy what did you do about the bus boner I know what she did she literally rubbed herself no you just have to

sort of just you just have to and then when you come you just start pressing the button like you just have to wait until you get off and then put your cock

in your waistband until it goes down what you know like when you've got a boner so you try and hide it so you put it straight up into the band of your pants.

That's the classic move. Oh yeah. And then it eventually goes down. I can't reach my belt. Can't you reach your belt with your car? I probably could. Pull your pants down. That would look better.

If you ever see me like oh Dan's into hip hop look how low he wears his jeans. I'm just trying to get my dick over the line. Have you ever jizzed into your belly button? Yeah. Cool. Next question.

Wishing well, grey. If anyone's just worried. Really brings out the jizz out of my dick. Hides the stains. Yeah, you have. You've ended up getting so excited that you've jizzed into your... Oh, no, no, no.

I thought you meant just generally. No, I thought you... No. God. I thought you just meant like Ever Like in any Like I've come on to my stomach before

And it's gone into my belly button And it's made like a little puddle Eight minutes in Cumbers of what? I always think about the new listeners Like I'll give it a go My mates have told me it's quite good I wonder what it's about

Which isn't the way Yeah But no not accidentally I've never accidentally spaffed every time i've come it's been very purposeful yeah never an accidental spaff except for in your sleep you just just i've never had a wet dream no you've never had any kind of any jizz no that's why he wakes up with such stonking boners. Can't jizz in your sleep though, can you?

As in like, in your dreams. So you can't punch people or run. What? What? You do jizz in your dreams though. No, I mean, if you're having a sex dream.

No, I can't. I can't punch people or run either. They're not all together. You can't run, punch or jizz. There's no point. Carl can't have his like...

Can you punch people in your dreams? What dreams are you having No but I mean I've had fights In my dreams before yeah Well at any time I can't run me Yeah but that's

Yeah Yeah but like Punching's the same isn't it Like your arm doesn't work No I can Or do you just Batter people Apparently

Do you know what I heard years ago Right that apparently It's impossible To read the time In your dream Like you'll never see a face of a clock. But I just want to know how they figured that out.

How do they know? Because no one's ever said they've seen a clock. Same with being on your phone, innit? The amount you're on your phone when you're awake, do you ever think you're on your phone when you're dreaming? What a shit dream. No, no, but that's what I mean. Like, you're on it all the time.

Oh, what are you going to dream about? You should have closed your apps down. I've never been paragliding either never thought of that never been paragliding so there's something about there's something about that thing that you don't you don't it doesn't cross over into your dream but it doesn't i get a lot so i sort of know what you mean about dreams because i get flying dreams and then they're going really well and i'm flying dead well then gradually my flying starts going shit and i'm like i'm gonna try and fly past that building i start hitting it you ever googled a dream and i think it's because you're coming out of the sleep cycle like it's almost

like you're regaining every time it gets more crystal clear and like goes a bit shit i think it might be that you ever googled a dream that you've had No Because you've all got me Yeah so google that Flying dream But can't fly Oh my god I googled my one I've told you about

My recurring dream Where I float above the stage And can't come back to it Yeah that's imposter syndrome Surely Has to be I don't feel like I've got that Can't fly properly

Here's the reason you can't fly In your lucid dreams An unconscious desire In the dreamer To free themselves From their problems Oh Wow I mean Is it like star signs though It's just so generic An unconscious desire in the dreamer to free themselves from their problems. Oh, wow. I mean...

Is it like star signs, though? It's just so generic. You just find yourself... I will never Google what my dream means in the morning. I've got a wife. I'll ask her. Dreams, like dream research is quite in-depth. Right.

It's not like horoscopes. It's just like, oh, the star's over there. Can't punch, run, or jizz. Put that in. Can't punch, run, or jizz. the stars over there can't punch run or jizz put that in like put in can't punch no can't run or run

yeah can't jizz it's like probably trying to escape from something like a something you need to put off or something lack of self esteem and self confidence

wow well this website is wrong no Carl's very like he hasn't got very high self esteem at all

he thinks he's a worthless piece of shit well that's what you think is that where the homophobia comes from he was homophobic what No, Carl's very, like he hasn't got very high self-esteem at all. He thinks he's a worthless piece of shit. Well, that's what you think. Is that where the homophobia comes from? Who's homophobic? What? You.

Is that what it is? Are you gay and you just don't know how to, and you judge yourself for it? Maybe. I can't bum in my dreams. I've never bummed in my dreams. It's like paragliding. What does that say?

Can you Google bumming? What? I say bumming In dreams Put punching like you can't I can never like Who are you trying to

Who are you trying to twat in your dreams? If there's ever any conflict it's sometimes difficult to like Oh here we go Quite a lot of people have put this in

This is on Quora Why do I keep punching people in my dreams? It's gotta be some kind of fight off like Why the hell can't we people in my dreams? It's got to be some kind of fight off like thing, isn't it? Why the hell can't we punch in our dreams? I punched me ex-girlfriend in the face again, Carl.

Self-confidence. You're very insecure. Honestly, do you know what? We're going to build you up. I've been at a rally for ages. I've been batting on people lately and splitting away. So I must be all right now. In your dream?

No. I'm saying it's a common thing isn't it well it's apparently it's self-confidence yeah let's build that can we just make a thing let's build up carl today you're not homophobic really thank you you're a good guy you've got good hair you've got great hair yeah you're really getting there in terms of production i am getting there yeah you know the best You sounded like you need to blow your nose since about 2008, but I'm getting used to it.

Do you know what that is? Yeah. That's, you know, me nose is fucked, isn't it? But in a way, that monotone... It's all a lemo, he does. Oh, yeah. That'll help your confidence.

He's bad on the shite, Carl. Yeah. Bad on the shite, though. Bad on the shite. Yeah, get a bag of shite in. A bag of shite? Have you never heard it called shite? No. Is that a Scouse thing? He's on the shite.. A bag of shite? Have you never heard it called shite? No.

Is that a Scouse thing? He's on the shite. He's on the shite. Yeah. Oh, he's a shite head. No. No? You on the shite, yeah.

Big line of shite? No. Oh, this is classic Scouse, innit? No, lad, it's a fucking bag of shite, not a line of shite. That makes no sense, Dan. You don't know our very fucking weird rules that have never

been written down by anyone but for some reason 400 000 fucking scouts all know them nan nan good god no you'd be like oh hell down big you wouldn't say get a bag of shite and just be like get some shite then get some shite in. Get some shite. It's already lost meaning and I don't know what it is anymore. All right, okay. Dan, are you on shite? No, on the shite.

Oh, on the shite. Oh, the fucking on the... On shite. Yeah, you just said that you're on shite. It just means like you've got a fucking bad stomach. I'm fucking dying for a shite. Got IBS. Lemo I like.

Lemo's good. Lemo's dead fun. It's not used as much anymore, Lemo, because the police got onto it. What? The police cracked the code. They cracked the code. Cracked the code. that's how we say those

eight years when they hadn't got it tell you what lads we need to work out what this is keep hearing it keep seeing it can i buy two grams of lemo you could just go on i don't even get it go down the morrisons get it get. That's why we call it shite. No, the police don't want to know. Yeah. A bag of shite. I'm not touching that. Fuck off.

That's not illegal. It's just dirty. Yeah, you can be on the shite. You're not on shite. You're not having a shite. You're having the shite. Right. You got a load of shite up your nose.

Yeah. I'd say that. I should shite all over his face. Just pink eye. Oh, dear. What would you call got shite all over his face. He's got pink eyes. Oh, dear. What would you call it? Why is Dan in such a good mood? He's covered in shite.

Oh, he's full of shite. He's been sniffing shite all night. I hope that'll be okay. Bad. What would you call cocaine around your friends? One bag of drugs, please. You'd say I'm on the bags of drugs. I'd say I'm having a really good time on One bag of drugs, please. You'd say I'm on the bags of drugs. I'd say I'm having a really good time

on my bag of drugs. No, genuinely, in Preston, do you just call it coke? Get the coke in. Like, go and get the fucking... bugle. We call it buzz powder as well sometimes. We do?

You got the buzz powder? Oh! Come on the toilet with me so I can crack on the buzz powder. Come on the toilet with me and crack open this buzz powder. And where's Finn? He's having a boogie candle. Have you ever tried both? Buzz candles.

Boozy. Buzz candles. Boozy. Boogie powder. What would you call it if you're saying with the boys let's get a bag of A bag of shite of A bag of shite

A bag of shite A bag of shite One bag of Yeah coke in it It's coke Did you say coke Coke Charlie

I find a bit cringy If you say Charlie Charlie He's on the Charles I'm on the Bronson Bag of Bronson Prince Did you go Bronson. Bag of Bronson. Did you go Bronson?

Yeah. It used to be called Nzogby around here. It's on the Nzogby. It was? No, it actually did. Yeah? It actually did. He's on the Nzogby.

No, it actually... He's got a 50 bag of Nzogby up his arse. No! Fucking hell. I'm not even messing. No, it didn't. You're getting on the arse fucking Nzogby. See if a 50 on the Nzogby is there. No, I'm not even messing. No, it didn't. You're getting on the old fucking 250 on the N'Zogbia. No.

Because what couple? No, I'm not having it. Who did Charles N'Zogbia play for? Charles N'Zogbia played for Villa. And Newcastle. White stripes on the shirt. Oh. All N'Zogbia, mate.

Brilliant. That is actually real, by the way. Pack of Bronson. Getting on the bronts sounds alright doesn't it shea given that was one hang on

can you use it in a sentence please fucking hell lad I've got loads come on Dan's on the shite Finn's got a boogie candle I'm gonna get a fucking

sack of shea given in there a sack of shea given it's fucking reliable. Reliable. Top class. Exactly. Not quite world class. Yeah, always.

You expect a seven out of ten every week. I like Shea Given. I know you do. I've got a serious Shea Given problem. Give us Shea Given after shows. We need to stop. Whoa. I've got giving Shea Given. Yeah. Yeah. I had to stop. Whoa! I got giving Shay given.

Yeah. Yeah. I had to see a therapist about it. You've been on the end of Zogby a lot. What the fuck? What happened on Tuesday? Anybody know? Something.

We did something that... Changed the world? Again? Yeah. There's no one ever really... I mean, everyone's done it probably at some point in their life we managed to make some of the most talented comedians in UK comedy do a shift

that most people do for about £12 an hour and it was magic everyone just had a really good shift so next month's Patreon special is a have a word pod takeover of one of the best restaurants in liverpool

luban and um we staffed it entirely with us and all our fucking legend mates and i can't believe how amazing the atmosphere was my best cocktail bar in the city that night my mate asked my mate matthew asked how it was the next day. And you know when you type in something and you're like, oh, it's not easy to put your finger on exactly what we did or what it was. It was amazing and difficult and kind of stressful. And there was moments where every one of those comedians or all of us had a moment where we weren't doing a patron special. You were trying to be good at the job.

had a moment where we weren't doing a patron special you were trying to be good at the job yeah yeah i was fucking around hosting until there was a queue of 20 people a queue at the bar and i'm like oh my god if i don't sort this out this is going wrong it was it was fucking great and kane brown said to me at one point he went you can't you've tricked me yeah i'm fucking working in it brilliant an hour later he came over and he was buzzing because he was like i get it he's like when i go to a restaurant and I'm waiting on the food he's like I don't want that to happen so I'm going to smash it

he's like I get it no and then he fucking smashed it he was like MVP wasn't he you guys were on the bar you looked like you were having the fucking time of your life fucking hell mate

that was a shift yeah that was a hard there was a three and a half hour period where we didn't stop yeah for a second there was a 13 hour period where we didn't stop. Yeah. For a second.

There was a 13 minute period where I was non-stop and after that it chilled out a bit. Yeah, we worked our little bumholes off. Great though. Lent that cocktail spec sheet within about 25 minutes. Yeah, that's it. If you do that,

if you make 50 of them every 10 minutes. Steve was amazing. Steve was actually my manager that night. Without Steve, I'd have really fucked that up he helped see everyone

everyone that was serving like just watching Daniel Sloss with three four hundred thousand Instagram followers and four Netflix specials

two Netflix specials and one on HBO yeah oh yeah that guy he was a waiter when's he gonna get the chance to do that he can never do that

ever again oh he loved it he can't go into a restaurant and go can I have a job because he'd go you're Daniel Sloss just watching Kai Humphries try and do a shift

of actual work when he was so stoned he was so he was so stoned it's like he's being racially insensitive with his face he's like

fucking struggling there was many people on the show you gave him that night lots of staff had different narcotics really yeah not on the show on There was many people on the Shea Given that night. Lots of staff had different narcotics. Really? Yeah.

Not on the Shea. On the Shea? No, not on the Shea. No, not on the Shea. Boogie candles, mushrooms. Like, lots of staff were inebriated that night. There was a bit of shiitake going around. Yeah.

Shiitake? Yeah. On the shiitake. On the shite. I was on the Laurent Blanc, mate. The white stuff. Fucking. I was on the Laurent Blanc mate

the white stuff fucking me and Carl had approximately 15-16 shots and none of them hit me until I had

my first pint of Guinness I was so sober I thought you were about to say none of them hit me full stop no you and you

you and you it was so fun when we were in Luban though I felt sober and the second we walked into Pogues I had a bit of a Guinness. I was like, I'm hammered already. We didn't have a chance.

Our bodies didn't allow us to get drunk. It was like, oh, you're working hard here. It was weird. Literally, five shots of plantain pineapple rum, and then at least 10 baby Guinness. Yeah. Yeah. And a tequila.

So we all went to, we all went to Pogues and then we went to Teddy's and Teddy's was quiet for the first time since, when did we first go to Teddy's? When,

I think it was after the Cinco de Mayo lock-in. It's a Tuesday in October, isn't it? It's a Tuesday in October. But honestly, every time we've ever been, it's been banging.

So I walked in, I was like, Teddy's is broken. And everyone was in a good mood but i was like oh i i really had the i wanted to have a proper fun night out and a bit of a dance and we had a really nice gang like ishan's out uh like daniel kai lauren patterson was on great form we had such a good gang of all of us and there was this wonderful moment when i sort of the realization of what what i had to do

because you never do this anymore because you know i'm so anti-pop world and i'm so pro teddies because it's indie music and it's bands rather than pop i just sort of looked across the bar i was sort of like on the bar a little bit drunk and i was like lad we've got to go to pop world and the the beaming smile like can we go pop? He was like, yes! It was so good. And then Will carried me home because I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up. Shout out to, was it Stu and Chloe from Worcester

who were just two random lids who had had a table at the bar, managed to be in Pogues at the right time, said hello, didn't pester me, so I went and talked to them. And as we were going to Teddy's, I was like, let's come on, come to Teddy's. they were like is that allowed is that all right is that okay and they managed to it was almost like they paid for the vv vip tour they were in pop world at the end they were like having the best time they were like i can't believe it we love the pod and we've had like access all areas all night it very rarely happens but we're just

two really sound lids you saw that all night though especially in the restaurant you you nailed it at the end you were like for us it was it was a weird experience but for them that's like a memory that they'll have no for me it'll be a memory i i i think i said it going into the day you could sense it's been dead busy for me at the tour even monday was hammered i woke up on tuesday morning and it was like oh this is what we're doing today and you're like you knew it was going to be something unlike anything you'd ever done before and maybe i mean maybe there's a chance we do something again like but you might never do it again i think even for us just walking into a

restaurant there was one point when i walked in steph johnson kane brown kai humphries daniel sloss lauren patson and vittoria were flying around i can see ishan in the kitchen i've just walked past you two you're singing steve's flying around you're like i just had that moment of like this is insane and then and then 70 lids it's more than amazing food like the food was brilliant. And then your Dolly whinging at me because we're not seated. It was this amazing thing.

Like there was a couple of like VIPs who were like Dolly and Luke, who you'd gone, oh yeah, come down. And like slutty Susie, because Johnny Bongo was in the kitchen. Except, except. What? He pointed at me and used the S for slutty no no no no um but i haven't got

any seats for them so the the very actual v vips didn't get sat because i was like i have nowhere to sit anyone so he had to just hustle but it was just amazing moment going what is this like what was that fucking stupid idea that carl had in edinburgh just come to life brilliant it was phenomenal oh we will do it again we absolutely will do it again yeah it's gonna have to be at least a year though isn't it yeah and we'll shuffle it about maybe me and adam in the kitchen this time which won't be fun have you seen them karen diners yeah i think they're a bit fucking hard i don't think it'd be good for us Carindinus Where all the staff Are purposefully rude Rude

It's like a gimmick See someone got upset last week Because he was bald And she was like Oh shut up you bald cunt And he complained To what? He complained to like the media

Like oh you know It's body shaming He's like don't go there then Yeah no one's ready to Stick up for the baldies yet Even me who's a baldy Just get over it Also he was bald,

so you can't be offended by something that's true, can you? Yeah. Yeah, I think you can, yeah. No. Yeah, I think you can. Because if you're fat

and someone goes, you're fat, you're allowed to be like, that's offensive. No, but it's true, isn't it? It'd be more offensive if I called Finn fat because he isn't.

You're fat. Oh, thanks. Nailed it. I'm bald. Yeah. I'm bald. I'm fat. of my cold like Finn fat because he isn't. You're fat. Oh, thanks. Nailed it. I'm bald. Yeah. I'm bald. I'm fat. I've got a weird eye.

But Carl, you look great today. Oh, thank you. I know, you know. You look really good. My headphones are framing your face very nicely. Oh, nice one. Stunning. Thanks.

Maybe I'll stop laughing. Just a very good looking guy. So are you. And also a good person. Thank you. Good models. Yeah, good models. So are you. But also, a good person. Thank you. Good models. Yeah, good models. A good friend.

I bet he's got the right weapon as well, hasn't he? He's got a dick on him, hasn't he? It's just that it's a normal dick. Like, it's not like,

oh, that's smaller. A watch massive, like, oh, that's a good dick. Yeah. Is it quite dark? It's darker than me. I've saw this quite dark it's darker than me i've saw this before it's darker than the outer parts of my body i have a browner dick than i do legs we've said that before i know as well but that's because in the summer i go sunbathing but i have all my

clothes on but i have my cock out because i want a brown cock yeah yeah yeah yeah when it's that big you know just wear a morph suit with a hole in it. Yeah. Lads, that morph suit really brings out your dick. Imagine going on the sunbeds fully dressed with your cock out your zip. You weren't there for the early episode where Dan told us when he goes on sunbeds he puts a sock on his cock. No, I did listen to it, though.

Yeah. I wasn't that amazed. Like, it's not that uncommon. Is it now? No, he's just trying to protect his cock. Can't burn your dick burn your dick yeah i mean i don't go in sunbeds anymore but when i was trying to look after my psoriasis it's probably not the way to do it the way to do it is to be abroad and get really good like yeah sea salt and vitamin d but uh a sunbed sort of help but yeah i just don't think your dick is ready For that level of Tanning is it

My little My little mole of a dick Like What the fuck Yeah your dick doesn't see The sun ever really does it Oh unless you You know

Mine does Adam's does Goes to dick to dick beaches Just fucking lies it out On his balcony You get some sun I'm gonna go And clean the flat

The tatches are cut I need a holiday you know I haven't had a holiday this year You have I'm going to go and clean the flat. The tatch is cut. I need a holiday, you know. I haven't had a holiday this year. You have? We went to Spain and sat on the beach. That's not a holiday, though, is it? We were filming the entire time. It's not a holiday.

Oh, it was a nightmare. That two days on the beach. Filming. Constant filming. Just can't relax. You know what I mean? You've had a holiday this year. You've had two. I'm going on two next relax. You know what I mean? You've had a holiday this year. You've had two.

I'm going on two next week. I know. What holiday have I had? You went to Spain. On your own? Oh, yes! I take it back. I've had a fucking great trip.

I want to go and stay in a seven-star hotel in Jamaica for a week or so. Cool. On your own? You can't go on your own. You said week or so. Cool. On your own. You can't go on your own. You said you don't want to go on your own. I think you'd have to build a seven star hotel in Jamaica. Jamaica's got some fucking absolute

gaps, mate. I thought the DJ Khaled Khalifa, Wiz Khalifa, what's it called? What? It's behind you. Waz Khalifa. The Waz Khalifa.

Yeah. The Jazz Khalifa. Yeah. The Jazz Kabaja. The Boogie Candle of the Middle East. The Jack Grealish. What? I thought behind you. The Waz Khalifa. The Waz Khalifa. Yeah. The Jazz Khalifa. Yeah. The Jazz Kabaddi. It's the boogie candle of the Middle East. The Jack Grealish. What? I thought that was in, yeah, in Dubai.

Yeah. I thought that was the only seven star hotel. No, no. They've been lost. Oh, is there? Yeah. Probably the first. Okay.

Is there a, Jamaica's not got a seven star. It's a 16. Yes, it has, man. Mate. They gave us four, we added three. You know what I mean mean Not having a white man Tell me how many stars I give me

In my own fucking hotel I just want to go To a gaff And just relax For the week Do you know what I mean Oh yeah You've been saying that

Take the weight off me bollocks And just enjoy yourself Hey You haven't got to Go to Jamaica Man get your bollocks out just enjoy yourself. You haven't got to. Go to Jamaica. Man, get your bollocks out. I'll get the whole team out to carry them. This is how you get the extra stars, boys.

Lift up that big dick. My God. Yeah. Yeah. I think I might try and disappear for a week in November or something. You've been saying this for two years and you'll never do it because you can't be arse bucking it you just on your own

yeah oh bit of serendipity I think what bit of serendipity serenity there you go

there you go go for the fuck Gwyneth Paltrow oh nice reference thank you nice I'm going to the Middle East next week

and Venice what I'm going to Abu Dhabi and Venice next week you're going to the Middle East next week and Venice what? I'm going to Abu Dhabi and Venice next week you're going to miss me same trip it's essentially the same trip

you're going to Venice for the UFC yeah there's a Venice card that would be lovely by the way well let's have fun not enough Italian

can I come to Venice with you? I'm not sure I said I could be happy with that you gotta it's the apology holiday because I'm going to have fun not enough Italian can I come to Venice with you I'm not sure I said I could be happy with that you gotta it's alright the apology holiday because I'm going to Abu Dhabi

the apology holiday sticking on Patreon yeah and so you've had to go to Venice with your lass because me and Stig are going to Abu Dhabi

for the UFC with your other girlfriend yeah yeah yeah she's like well what do I get I was like hello Venice you really need to be

a bit more respectful of when these half terms and holidays are for your teacher partner, okay? I know. Nashville next year, maybe? Good, Nashville that we booked. Yeah. When Laura's face, when she was like,

that's in Easter. Brilliant, brilliant, good, good for you. You're both welcome, by the way. You don't have to put up with those two fucking whinging at you while they've got a week off. Goodbye. I booked it. Venice.

So Venice and, Venice for, you know, just a couple of times. Yes. I want to go to Florence and Verona as well. Ooh. Little day trips out.

You're not trying to fuck in every city? I mean, yeah. When you're at Aldi, it's what you're doing, eh? Right. We're trying to do every continent. I think we haven't got South America yet. What's going on with Venice at the moment? It's suffering a lot of flooding and they'm trying to do every continent I think we haven't got South America yet what's going on

with Venice at the moment is it's suffering a lot of flooding and they're trying to put a tourist tax on us it's always like that what?

Venice is always like that it's purposely made with water and gondolas and shit oh yeah yeah yeah I understand it's a bit wet lately

no but I mean when the water rises and where you're meant to stand that gets flooded that's not how it's meant to be oh I thought you'd just seen a picture of Venice, and where you're meant to stand, that gets flooded. That's not how it's meant to be. Oh, I thought you'd just seen a picture of venison. Thought it's not meant to be like that.

That psychopath's fucked. Some cunt on a gondola. No, but it's like, they get around on boat, don't they? They have like boat taxis and that. Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I think it's having problems with flooding. There's so many tourists going.

They're trying to like ban tourists, basically. Even though it's a massive part of their... I think it's getting to the point where there's too many. They're bringing their own water. Ah, that makes sense. People are sweating into the rivers. People propose a lot in Venice, and then the women start crying, and it's flooding.

Is that the flooding? That's what it is, yeah. I like it. And then they get wet as well because they've been proposed to and they just fucking squirt everywhere

and it's just they do they do that's how all proposals go of happy squirting women and it's becoming a real problem

for the tortoise board drink me drink me lad yeah is that what is that how you see your proposal going

of this unnamed lady this this future this future hottie Ruth Is that how you see your proposal going? Of this unnamed lady This future Hottie Ruth Struth Ruth Roe Right So if you meet a lady

A lady! And you propose to her, do you expect her to cry then squirt? Yeah, I'd be fucking fuming If she didn't do at least one of them. Right. Clothed? What? Can you squirt your clothes on? You're just wetting yourself, aren't you?

It's piss anyway, isn't it? Piss. It is piss. Comes out the urethra. We're back here again. It is, yeah, but I still like her. 10% magic lady magic

alright cool can we have your proposal on Patreon please no no ok apology holiday and then UFC no other way around

alright ok so it lands at midnight from Abu Dhabi and then we go to Venice at 6am so I'm just going to wait in the airport for a couple of hours

and go on holiday again Heathrow no Manchester oh nice we fly from Heathrow and fly back to Manchester was going to wait in the airport for a couple of hours and go on all day again Heathrow? No Manchester Oh nice We fly from Heathrow and fly back to Manchester And who's fighting in the UFC? Big one

Olivera is fighting in the main event Makachev Makachev? Makachev? Yeah Is that how he says it? Because it sounds like

you're saying it wrong No Makachev's in the prelims Makachev is in the main event I can't wait for Makachev Makachev In the co-main which is also a title fight it's Aljeman Sterling versus TJ Dillashaw Makachev's in the prelims. Makachev is in the main event. I can't wait for Makachev-Makachev. In the co-main, which is also a title fight, is Aljaman Sterling versus TJ Dillashaw.

Aljaman? Aljaman Sterling, yeah. Aljaman Sterling? Yeah. You've made that up. That's not a real... No, he's the champ. Aljaman Sterling? Yep.

He's the champ till he ain't the champ no more. TJ Dillashaw, I've actually heard of. Yep. In the third fight, which is my boy, Sugar Sean O'Malley versus Piotr Jan. I'm going there. He's the non-binary one with all the hair. show i've actually heard of yeah in the third fight which is my with my boy sugar sean o'malley versus piotri yan i'm going there he's the non-binary one with all the hair i'm not sure he's non-binary but yeah he's got all non-binary really no one's a full man anymore bilal muhammad's fighting i can't remember is it that huge bilal muhammad yeah it's a fucking stacked it's honestly

like the ufc are doing what the fucking wrestling did in the 80s. Bilal Muhammad, the crazy jihadist against crazy non-binary sugar Sean O'Malley. He'd lose that. Which gender is he today? But yeah, unbelievable card and we're going to be there live, baby. All right, cool. I couldn't be arsed with the flight for that. Yeah, there's two stops on the way home and I'm gonna fly again

Albania is one of them what do you know what Italy is one of the stops what what I'm sorry

I'm flying to Italy flying home and I'm flying back to Italy who are you flying with that has to stop in Albania stay booked stay how cheap were these flights

were they weirdly cheap yeah they were quite cheap. Yeah, it was just £10. £80 round trip to Abu Dhabi. Oh, that is cheap.

That's cheap. That's less than a bag of fucking shite. Shite? You're going to get on the shites in Abu Dhabi? I think you go to prison, don't you?

No. Well, I don't do it in England, so do it where it's more illegal is probably not a good idea. I'd just recommend it. You can't have sex with any men either It's illegal there Well Yeah

It's illegal everywhere For you In your mind But no It's going to be fire I'm so excited Alright cool We've got great seats

You'll see us on the telly You'll see our flags Oh I will yeah I'll be looking out for you Do you want to come to mine and we'll stay up for you I just assumed yeah

just assumed well isn't it an early one here it is an early one here but stay up what time it's like 7 o'clock isn't it start 7am

like here no 7pm isn't it oh 7pm I'm pretty sure it's oh you'll see us get to yours at half six is it the 22nd yep I'm in Nottingham oh shit well I'll come to Notting Oh you'll see us Get to yours at half six Is it the 22nd? Yep

I'm in Nottingham Oh shit Well I'll come to Nottingham We'll watch it there You'll see me on the telly We've got flags We'll have a Sugar Sean

O'Malley flag And a Have A Wear flag So when they show The sugar flag You'll see The Have A Wear flag We're going to be International baby

Oh okay Moves Right And what No flag for Shim Shim Salabin What was he called for Shim Shim Salabim what was he called Shim Shim Salabim

I can't remember his name can you design a Shim Shim Salabim flag please get that Balal Muhammad Balal Muhammad I don't like him and he's also

he's not fighting in a big fight oh okay cool let's have a break hey let's have a break love the UFC great game what's happening Lids and Lidette it's Adam here I'm here to tell you about Let's have a break, hey? Let's have a break. Love the UFC. Great game. Ofca. What's happening, Lids and Lidette?

It's Adam here. I'm here to tell you about our sponsor, BetterHelp.com. If you go to BetterHelp.com slash Word10, you'll get 10% off your first month with BetterHelp. And I might have just heard one of yous ask there, what is BetterHelp? BetterHelp is essentially a way to get therapy online. Don't have to leave your house. You don't have to go through all the anxiety of going to a therapist's office you sign up within uh 24 to 48 hours they sign you up with they match you up uh with a with a counselor who

is tailored to specifically what you need the type of therapy you need you're not just going to get matched with someone who doesn't really know how to help you now you know we've all been through bad times where we're focusing on problems instead of solutions when you learn to find your own solutions there's no better feeling than that and better help can actually help you get there um i know a lot of people who've used better help and they tell me it's a lot better than actually going to therapy as a lot of years will know dan has been in therapy this year. People don't speak, people can't speak any higher of getting help for your mental health. It's a big topic of conversation at the minute. And BetterHelp have given you a way to get yourself sorted without ever having to leave your home. So do yourself a favor, go to betterhelp.com slash word 10.

That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash W-O-R-D-1-0. You get 10% off your first month. Get signed up. Get matched up with a therapist that is specialized to your needs. And sort your head out. We all need a bit of help up there. Go and get yours sorted. Nice one.

We are back with the second section of this week's public episode of Have A Word Podcast. I'm DJ Dan Nightingale and I'm here with Wacky Adam. Bing bong. Nope, not the energy you want to do. Not feeling that. We're tired. Just do it normal. Yeah.

Just do it normal. Just do what we always do instead of fucking about. If that broke, don't fix it. Okay, good. Good. You know what I mean? Should have stayed in runk, wouldn't have fucking about. If that broke, don't fix it. Okay. Good. Good. You know what I mean? Should have stayed in Runcorn then. No.

That was broke. Runcorn was broke. Runcorn was so broke. Took my shoes off. We need to move out of there by the way. Yeah, we do. Took my shoes off.

Jack was walking around with no shoes on and I got jealous of him. You should let me take my shoes out of the studio anyway. You know what I mean? Take it to place.

Make sure you get a good close up on my face here while I'm not moving. Where is in the studio anyway. You know what I mean? Take it to place. Just make sure you get a good close-up on my face here. We'll just... I'm not moving. It is, Jack. Oh, yeah. Lad. The Comedians Club Chester have just announced

the line-ups for January, February, April and March. I don't know why I did it in that order. But November 26th is the next one. My tour show is on November the 19th in the St Mary's Creative Space in Chester there are about

50 tickets left for the afternoon show the evening show is sold out we're filming it Big Willy Dick Willy is coming to do it as a special

taping a little special eye in it boy taping a special and then the week after we've got a phenomenal line up of Sean McLaughlin Lou Conran

and Carl Donnelly with me hosting. And the crowd there are amazing. They're all lids. They're all comedy fans. Finn Taylor and Nick Doody fucking loved it last time.

We don't show the bottom of our feet in our podcast. It's quite rude. So if you could go on comediansclubchester.com, the link will be in the description. Buy some tickets to November.

January is McFerry. There is a very special guest in february who you will love it's me i was trying to be dead professional because you're like yeah unlisted i was like i was fucking rose back uh coming in i'm gonna come and, I'll be doing pretty much new stuff later. March is Mark Nelson and April is Andy Askins. We have got some big dogs. I was trying to be all respectful.

Oh, cheers, Liz. That's funny. Adam and Alfie are on in February, so that'll sell out pretty quick. But November's going to be a banger as well, so I'd like to see you there. I'm very proud of that. I'm looking forward for you to see it.

It's really nice. I'm coming in November. You're coming in November? To your show. Okay, cool. Yeah. Let's tell them everything. Yeah.

Cool. And I'm gay now. So. I can't believe I haven't podcasted like this from the beginning. This is so comfortable. Now, feet off on the podcast, bottom of shoes, quite rude. No, I don't give a rude No We don't do that I break customs here

Make my own Feet on the table Cain and Abel Pop and dab If you You look like you could nap Like your feet are So high up

Take them off the table You've got to hold them Bottom of your sock as well I don't give a flying fuck. They don't smell. I thought they... I had a shower just before I came here. Smell is just dried sweat.

You shouldn't smell in the morning unless you put old clothes on. Sweat doesn't smell. It's just sweat that's dried and got wet again. That's what smell is. Is it? Yeah. Sweat doesn't smell unless it's dried really yeah so if you put

an old t-shirt on you know it stinks because the sweat's getting wet again yeah so what happens with bo is that not a bit of hormones under the same you haven't washed the sweat off your body all right okay cool re-wet again re-wet re-wet uh should we do some questions yeah yeah oh okay cool take your legs off the table now the fact that it's doing your head in means they're saying it it's not

it's doing their head in it's rude shit sorry for Adam's rudeness my fucking podcast speed round yes what do you want to do

slow round he looks you look too relaxed for a speed round look I'm doing me you do you yeah we are

I don't tell you not to sit there fucking looking like a big stupid cunt do I so just you do you and I'll do me sit there fucking looking like a big stupid cunt do i so just you do you and i'll do me you keep sitting there look like a big stupid cunt then you look really nice don't look stupid they're clever love you clever you look like a small

vole german sex offender you're building me up I know, but you can't put them glasses on. No one's building you up there, are they? Buttercup. Come on, questions. James Hall. No, Jordan says, Wag Wag Mates. Is there such thing as... Jordan as in like Casey Price?

Yeah, Casey Price says, Wag Wag Mates. Is there such a thing as too imbalanced of a show line-up? Never thought about this much as it's never stood out before, but saw Adam smash it opening a local Tory school recently. Uh tory school recently yeah despite some audience members missing the punch line what

uh with sean walsh closing middle act was a completely different energy theme vibe whatever and it seemed to work against her understanding following one of the best in the uk can't have been easy all right jordan Does a promoter have a duty to ensure acts are similar enough they can bounce off each other and the crowd, or is it just a rare, unfortunate middle spot? Well, lad. Where was the school before you answered? Yarm.

Oh, Yarm. Yeah, okay, cool. Now I remember the gig, yeah. The middle act has not been doing stand-up very long. Right, okay. The middle actor was Fiona Allen from Smack the Pony, which is a sketch show that I fucking loved growing up, and she was great, really sound.

But she's, like, she did well. She was good, but she's in the middle of me and Sean Walsh. She's just inexperienced. Yeah. And that's where the middle act goes. It's just the way it is. Like, I prefer being on

a really balanced bill where the acts are quite different. I think that's always better when you get sort of a mixed bag and that doesn't always work. Sometimes the acts

can be so similar and I think by the end of it it's just a bit meh. Yeah, I see, I've been on bills where you're like, ah,

I know what you've done. You've gone, ah, they're all great. And then you're like, yeah what you've done you've gone they're all great and then you're like yeah we are all great but it would be well better if you had a bit of contrast

and I'm not even age style like we're talking about sexuality gender opinion style like whatever

contrast works so much better than same guy same guy same I remember being on bills in Newcastle at the Hyena and it was booked by a lady called Yvonne

and she booked brilliant acts, but sometimes it looked like she'd picked the names out of a bag and you'd have three compares on the same bill or three headliners with someone going, like you'd have a bill that was so strong and it would be like, who is going to compare it though? Steve Hughes is like, I can't compare it though steve hughes is like i can't compare i'm a fucking headliner i can do a set opening that putting a bill together putting a

bill together is such an important part of promote with the comedians club i've we've done three so far one i got it wrong and it showed i felt it in the night. You told me, yeah? Yeah. It is important. And I do think you get on bills sometimes where it's very samey. Like if there's any criticism of hot water, it's that sometimes I look at the bill and go, yeah, everyone's going to smash it. But they're all similar acts.

The store used to be really bad for that. And they've had a complete overhaul in their booking policy over the past sort of three or four years. Because there was a time where you looked on the website and every photograph was a white man in a suit yeah and doing a sort of aging style of comedy and some of those guys were brilliant other guys were like yeah fine yeah um they're really they've tried to sort that out haven't they there's a lot more contrast. I did the Cardiff Glee at the weekend

and I was headlining. Got Emmanuel Sanubi in the middle. Just separate us, put him on next week. Because Emmanuel is a closer. Like, he smashes it. He destroys the place. I'm like, there'll be weeks at the Glee where there's no one who's really a circuit headliner.

They've all done a bit of telly, so they're getting club work. Emmanuel and me should not be on the same bill when one of us is in the middle. Yeah. It's just, it's a waste. It's a waste of a genuine fucking maitre d'avocama. It's like, you know, I've had a lot of compliments,

I'm sure you've got, from promoters that have done the, doing the tour. Loads of promoters going, well done for booking good support acts. Yeah. Because I've turned up with Ishan or Vittorio because so many people are turning up with shite support.

Yeah, because they don't want to follow anyone good. There's a weird, there's weird like, there's a balancing act to get right. You need a bit of contrast, but you also need someone to still be able to do a job. I always just book support acts who I think are going to smash it

or someone I want to hang out with. But yeah, and also don't step on your style. Well, yeah, I wouldn't book Freddie or Simon Wadsley if they had to open for me. Yeah. You can't hear the same joke twice, can you? Yay! I want to paint a picture.

Joe Johnson says... Oh, Joe Joe. Oh, no, but don't actually touch me. I was dead supportive about the feet thing until you actually fucking touched me. I want an Ottoman thing. Order me an Ottoman. Wag Wag Lids.

Joe Johnson says, Wag Wag Lids, seeing as Halloween spooky season is upon us. Halloween spooky season. upon us Halloween spooky season can't wait for Halloween which horror film do you think you'd have the best chance

at surviving I haven't seen any so I don't know you love Halloween but you don't like scary films no I love women dressing like slutty

Greggs workers but yeah the films aren't for me you've been some weird fucking Halloween parties who's been to slutty Greg's

you just ripped the pants off of Greg's uniform don't you yeah put a bit of blood on your face ooh get to ours Sheila I don't know

what Greg's were doing Halloween in February oh no it's just Greg's she looks dirty as fuck I'm not into Halloween me any fancy dress it's just no but that's not no you're seeing halloween is just sexy women it is so that's all it is it's not it's children going around yeah i don't go looking at them you don't go looking at them i just go to nightclubs and

the fucking women who are like look at my tits and my bum hole and also i'm so like the character not like in pain oh and you're like i love halloween and then there's another one going i just work at greg's because usually i've come straight from work you can't usually see tits in town it's only on halloween they come out halloween's fantastic do you like like a dead like a dead bride? Yeah Really? You've got blood all over the face and that turns you on? Yeah And if she's got a pasty with her

I'm telling you right now, a pasty in a woman's arm makes her sexier 100% of the time There's no situation in which a woman holding a steak bake is not more attractive than without a funeral Northern Pornhub in which a woman holding a steak bake is not more attractive than without a funeral. Northern Pornhub. One massive dick in a fucking steak bake.

You've never had one, so you wouldn't know. No, I don't want the woman to eat the pasty. That's for me. Right. She's brought me a pasty, and she wants to fuck me. The cock's for her, the pasty's for him. You've got to be a dirty girl to want the flakes of a steak bake falling on your face as someone's munching it while she's sucking you off.

They were bars? That's dirty. Someone make that into a rap. Oh, my God. Do you like Halloween, Dan? You've got kids. You must love Halloween. Yeah, I see it slightly differently to Adam in a less sort of horny way.

Oh, yeah, I love all them kids going around stressed up no that's not what I said is it no you you literally made Halloween purely sexual because it is

there is other layers to Halloween yeah if you've got kids and you've fucking ruined your life by having children absolutely yeah sad bars

I don't want like, oh, look at this Kit Kat. It's got blood all over it, flavours. Like, no. Just don't eat them. But like, they still sell regular Kit Kats at Halloween. You like most festivals.

You're into most stuff, aren't you? Like, this is a weird little, what's Halloween done? Because you'd make a phenomenal Count Dracula, by the way. I don't like scary. Scary? Arr.

I eat oranges all the time. I don't like scary. Just, nah. All right. Christmas is just lovely. I can't wait for Christmas. Exactly. Put me straight up.

What about the Christmas tits for Christmas? Oh, I'm telling you right now, a woman dressed as fucking Mrs. Claus with a fucking steak bake. That famous fucking... Oh, lad. What have you got? Any fans?

We've talked about this at length. Goths love Halloween. Real people love Christmas. That's a fact. You can like both. They're at different times of the year, Cal. They're not competing. A little bit of you are going to compete.

So do you get some sweets out for the... Because now you're a homeowner. This is your... Don't call him that. 2022. You own a house? This is the first time I'll have had my own home for the... So are you going to do the bucket of...

Yeah. Of course I am. Like that. For kids. Go for it. I thought you were going to be- I don't want hocus pocus. I'm knocking it yours for sweets, mate.

100%. I love you two. You're going to be dressed up though. Yeah, you won't even know it's me. I think I will because there'll be a Range Rover with the keys to the ignition outside me. Parked in a disabled spot. He'll be there two seconds,

getting his Greg's outfit on. It's not me, by the way. I'll just go and get us a fucking bag of smack in the back there, a bag of shite. That's what it would. That'd be great for Halloween. Give kids just a shite. Yeah, that's what we used to do growing up

in fucking naughty Ash. Just give our bags a shite. The kids would come up with a fucking oozy, hey mister, trick or treat, I'll blow bags a shite. The kids had come up with a fucking Uzi. Hey, mister, trick or treat, I'll blow your fucking dick off. Have you seen them? Be careful. People are giving out ecstasy disguised as

Smarties. No, they're not. It's damn expensive. Liar! Real about? Liar! One lad, I might have told you this story before, we knocked on his house and he didn't have any sweets. We were like, can we have some eggs instead? And he gave us some, so we egged his house yeah but he's a moron

though isn't he yeah if you're gonna need guns so that's how that went down yeah for kids I love it when people whinge about that

I think I listen I just think the government needs to step in and do something about it these kids are out of control on Halloween it's fright night

and it's dangerous shut the fuck up I'm going to do mischief night this year I've decided fucking pussy holes do you ever do mischief night

no I live in fucking Sorghor yeah man until last year oh here we go here's a fucking mischief night lads yeah yeah yeah

it was fucking fucked the purge the purge dovecots fucking murdered 12 people and the busies are like did you just kill

12 people Adam with your dick yeah I did but it's Mizzy Night can't do nothing that's true have you never done Mizzy Night

what you know we educated them about Mizzy Night last year Mizzy Night is was not now

I'm a homeowner should we do Mizzy Night this year me and you I think we'd be quite visible. So?

Okay. Where are the skies? We'll do a Mizzy Night Patreon special. We'll just go and batter people. This is better than my dreams! That would be a great Patreon special, by the way. The Mizzy Night special. Or us just going around fucking

Pagemoss egging our houses. Oh, mate. Where? Pagemoss. Pagemoss? Yeah, to where Ross, egging houses. Oh mate. Where? Page Moss. Page Moss? Yeah, it's where Ross came from, on gangs.

Alright. Talked about the beef between Page Moss and Dovey. It does sound like a porn star, doesn't it? I was not allowed to step foot in Page Moss as a kid. Page Moss.

For fear of being fucking offed. Oh, the gangs. Yeah. Because you were, hang on, let me remember, the Noggy Dogs.

No, that's Norris Green. No, sorry, Norris Green. I was a Dovey head. You were a Dovey head. No.

He was? I was a Dovey head. dove head no yeah i was a bad a soap mate fucking dove head it won't dry your skin it'll just fucking take it off yeah page mosh i couldn't go to page mosh she sounds like she's got great tits no they were the moss men page moss the moss man actually what was it we called them the Moss Men. Do this. The Page Turners. Looks like you need a new chapter in your life. Moss Gang. That's what they do. They literally stand on Dovey Park.

Like, front-nose. Moss Gang. Who's that on the roof? It's the Moss Gang. They're getting off Moss. It's the asbestos. D. D.

We just said D. Dovehead. Did you have, like, a bar of Dove and, like, get the wrapper off your mum and, like, glue it on your head? Dovehead. No, we had self-respect. Did you have like a bar of dove and like get the wrapper off your mum and like glue it on your head? Dove head. No, we had self-respect. Did you,

when you turned up to a fight, the dove heads, did you just release doves? No. Fucking hell. The pedo magicians, no, it's the dove heads. Yeah, you know you're about to die

when you see doves in the sky. Bars. Bars. Fucking hell. All the hard lads and then some divvy That looks after the doves What are you doing back there Damo

Who looked at Dove Stop killing the fucking doves That's fucking That's the The big The least The least The least

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The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least The least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least, the least Wouldn't go on page three No I was just from West Abbey What? I was just from West Abbey West Abbey village It was just nice Yeah it was just quite nice Yeah What did you do on busy night?

Oh we went to other areas Fucking travelled What the shit were you doing? Yeah yeah There was a lad who was in prison From Page Moss Because he got sent to prison Like over the beef

Between Page Moss and Dovey I think And then when he came out He tried to unite the communities What? Yeah He wanted like peace talks Between Dovey and Pagevey I think and then when he came out he tried to unite the communities what yeah he wanted like peace talks between

Dovey and page Moss I'm not even joking really yeah where was they West RB peace talks

no no he came to Dovey he came to Dovey literally and was walking into Dovey with his hands up was he wearing

no he was just walking in he was like look I'm not here to cause any trouble and he met with the lads on Dovey shops and they negotiated a peace treaty.

Honestly, it was the Super Sunday agreement. You have to respect how good it is and bullshit. Daniel Nightingale, he is not lying. Why? Like, it's the Good Friday peace agreement. No, Super Sunday it was. The fucking tea shop was there. Bill Clinton came down West Derby Shop.

They shut Kelly's Wines for two hours. They shut Kelly's Wines for two hours. I can't handle it. Yeah. Meaning Kelly's Wines. Everyone got a complimentary bag of shite so I'm feeling pretty

fucking confident about these pieces have you ever seen Ross Kemp on Gangster they've apparently ghosted on a screen they've all got three quarters on

yeah I've seen the clips yeah well it's the same where he lived but they just didn't film it right is this near the

amazing news agent that I loved when I went to Dovey it's not far from there it's a different row of shops though that's Swanside I went to Dovey it's not far from there it's a different row of shops though that's Swanside

you went to oh my god Swanside Swanside was like the place we dreamed of as kids there's a lovely DIY shop there as well

yeah best corner shop in the world Swanside yeah so there's peace talks yeah they shook Kelly's wines

and the head of the Dovey the Dovey heads and the lad from who I won't name the Mossman don't man the the head of the Dovey The Dovey heads And the lad from Who I won't name The Mossman Don't The Mossman and the Dovey heads

Mossgang Sorry Mossgang They show Kelly's wines And they were just Studding Kelly's wines For two hours And the two gangs

Were literally stood outside Like protecting the dog So they could Discuss Like Calling it A truce Yeah

A Geneva convention A Geneva convention Fucking Versailles What call him a truce yeah and there's a geneva convention fucking versailles what that was a treaty of old swan the treaty of kelly's wines i know it sounds like bollocks but this actually happened how old were you i can't have been older than 15 no i think i was like 14 yeah that's the first time you felt safe your whole life see finn looks at me when he knows i'm bullshitting and he just looked at me for the look of affirmation and he's not bullshitting

it's true what yeah this is kelly's wine sit down it was the sittings yeah kelly's wine sit down of 06 was the sit-ins. Kelly's Wine sit-down of 06. Just got a box of Chardonnay down. Box of Rose. Famous. They kept those boxes. Didn't even sell them. It was an awful one.

They're in a bag of Monster Munchies It's fucking working out Disco's at the good disco So shall we stop shooting each other? Yeah I was thinking the same thing Did it work? Did it last? Yeah

It's been peace ever since Not a bullet has been shot since Not a drop of blood shed The local school kids from St. Mary Magdalene's fucking Bernard Matthews came round and just sang outside. All we are saying is give peace a chance. That was shite.

What? Who's selling? Oh, sorry. Yeah, the song. No selling today. Kelly's wines is closed. Zip up your bags of shite. This is a day for celebration. We're flying the white flag, not doing the white powder. You know what I mean? Get on that, Daz.

Get on that fucking purse, lad. Have you heard the song, Today Was A Good Day? There's one of them in Liverpool I've laughed a fart out By the way It's August 4th So Halloween Looking forward to it Speed rap

Clip it Clip All of that shit Fucking I don't think you can clip that Because it actually happened Yeah I'm not going to put Names in am I

I don't think you can clip that I think it could give us, I'm not going to put names in, am I? I don't think you can clip that. I think it could give us a little bit of blowback. I'm not even messing. Shut it back. I'm making that a clip. Clip it! Clip it! You think we're going to get cancelled by Scouse Twitter?

It was children 16 years ago. It wasn't just children. Oi. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't just children. Yeah yeah It wasn't just children It was Kelly She was over 21 She had the licence

Kelly's wines are still there It is Yeah Did you see the plaque On this day On this day In 2006 August 4th 2006

That's why all the tourists come to... All the American tourists come. I want to see the Beatles Museum, Kelly's Wines. It's amazing. And that's how they speak, because they're American. I keep thinking someone's at the door.

It's really disconcerting. Because we've got a mural of Isham. Because we have got a mural on the wall of Isham. But it's like a life-size. God, he's beautiful. He's like a nearly as attractive... What did I call him? What were we gigging?

I've brought him on. I think he looks like a Bengali, like a lion, isn't he? Beautiful. Sexy. Great question. Speed round. beautiful sexy um great question speed round chris says would you rather guess what chris says oh what's his Turkish size yeah it's probably i think he's Moroccan what's his email chris size at gmail.com chrissayiz

at gmail.co.moroc says, would you rather meet your childhood hero and find out they're a boring fucker or meet someone you despise

and everything they stand for but in person you actually really like them? You haven't changed. You just get on. What would you rather? Who is,

who's, I'd rather there be more joy in the world, so the latter. Yeah. I don't want to find out if any childhood heroes are, that's worse than finding out

someone you think's a prick is sound. That's good news, isn't it? What's childhood? Gary Neville's sound. Yeah. And I'm fucking gutted that the Tories have made me like him. Yeah.

He's actually not a bad guy. No? Having said that, he is working for the Qatari-based football channel for the World Cup, which is as models go. Do you know what I mean? Right, yeah,

but you're all going to be watching it, aren't you? Yeah. You're all sort of part of that bandwagon, aren't you? Yeah, but there's a difference between watching it and working for the state-owned channel. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you saying?

Childhood is? Like formative years? Like teenage years? Or like pre-10? No, I think it's pre-Vicky Wines. You know, before the Peachtree. Before they changed it into Kelly's. Ah!

There was a Vicky Wine round ours. Kelly's Wine, yeah. What are we saying, Link? There was a tearful between those two wine companies for a while. Vicky and Kelly? Yeah. Bitch fight.

What's childhood? Up until 14 childhood up until 14 up until 14 well firstly have any of you met a like a full on hero of yours

from growing up yes and did they disappoint you no but who was it later on he did who was it Russell Brand

oh because his comedy really went downhill and nothing to do with anything else no I was a massive Russell Brand fan

and his comedy just fell off a hill um yeah clip that one there's another clip i'll tell you what anyway kelly's wines who died well yeah i met him and he was lovely Do you know what? In comedy, I don't know if anyone's massively let me down that I've met that's famous. I don't think a lot of cunts sort of, I think people, even if they are cunty, just sort of do a good job of hiding it.

I think most people I've met that i've looked up to have been pretty not have you like most comedians that i've met when i've become a comedian have been dead sound yeah yeah 99 of the time there's a couple where i'm like oh you're a bit of a dick but i never liked him in the first place like for me i suppose the person i've met that i watched a lot growing up was ralph little and he's now being on this and we've had a nice out with him he was just dead sound yeah that's true yeah if you found out

that Johnny Vegas was a fucking bellend you'd be gutted wouldn't you yeah like I some of the American superstars

like Will Ferrell Will Ferrell's gotta be sound ain't he he'd be fucking gutted if someone like that was actually a twat

who do you reckon's a cunt like a famous person who's a gobshite? That's rock. Do you reckon? Yeah. Cool. Corden, definitely.

Corden's got a bit of a rep of a bellend. No, but I mean, not just because he's on fucking, he never says no to anything, does he? Apparently he's a bit of a dick to work with. The thing I find funny about James Corden is everyone's like, oh, he's a fucking talentless twat. But then everyone loves Gavin and Stacey.

He's obviously a good comedy writer. You can't call him talentless. You can be annoyed with him for being on everything. You can't say... The guy's... Yeah, definitely. Gavin and Stacey's a classic, isn't it, now? He's done loads of stuff that's good.

Wales. Words. he's a classic isn't it now he's done loads of stuff that's good Wales erm words what if Stephen Gerrard was a fucking Berlin Gerrard Stephen Gerrard Stephen Gerrard he's probably

fucking dull as fuck isn't he no but I mean if he was a cunt that would be sad that'd be that'd break my heart he does batter DJ's

to this day still batters them yeah didn't just beat one up he's just repeatedly battered it's his past time it is allegedly

yeah probably not a good pint let's be honest I think he'd be alright I do think he'd be alright actually if you knew him

Cardigan would be yeah Cardigan would be a great pint I think a lot of these guys are on guard aren't they because someone's trying to get something out of them or record them once you know there's a bit of trust in the room I think a lot of these guys are on guard aren't they because someone's trying to get something out of them

or record them once you know there's a bit of trust in the room I think you may be hoping that someone's pretty sound Carragher comes across a lot less guarded than Gerrard does in his media appearances a lot less guarded

that's why he's got the job he's got because he's like oh he's real like any level he's just the job he's got. Yeah. Because he's like, oh, he's real. Like, are you level? It's just the real old day. Who would be, celebrity-wise, you can't stand, but you would be like, oh my God, I actually quite like them.

Like, he would be, if I hung out with Piers Morgan, I went, fuck, he's great fun. Like, that would go against my... But he would be. He'd be a great pint, Piers Morgan. Piers Morgan would be sound if you met him

but what if you just kept talking to him and then he said a Piers Morgan thing is the reason I hate him I don't think he would though awful I don't think he would

obnoxious he's just very good at selling himself Clarkson similarly I think would be a good pint yeah I find Clarkson less annoying

to be in a dickhead than Piers Morgan I think really I can imagine Clarkson to be like a cunt to the staff. I can imagine him being like, oh, go away. I bet you Piers Morgan's like overly friendly with everyone he meets. He's just got some opinions that make him a cunt.

I see him being very dismissive and got no time for people, Clarkson. I don't know why. Yeah. I've got that vibe off him. He's always funny as fuck. I feel like James May Would be cool as fuck He's not a knob is he Yeah but he's like

The nice guy isn't he Yeah Who would that be gutted Who was the dick I do a bit So that Do the deans of them Yeah but he would be Wouldn't he just be that

Arrogant and like How Did you wear Oh He's French Do you want another drink To the dean I don't know

yeah last I'll tell you what Zidane down pokes fucking nightmare right up his own arse Zidane

you want a booner I don't know I don't know French people are very indecisive though fucked fucked I don't know I don't know that is a fact every French person you've always taken French people are very indecisive though. Fuck. Fuck. I don't know.

That is a fact. Every French person. You're just taking that noise and saying. What are you even doing in pokes? I don't know. Hello. I don't know. When's your birthday, Zidane?

I don't know. Whenever I feel I was born. He doesn't know his own birthday? He doesn't commit to own birthday He doesn't Your Zidane sounds thick as fuck Hey Zinedine When's your birthday I don't know

What am I doing in Pugs What do you want for Christmas Zinedine Just get me a card Classic Zidane He'd rather have the cash that's classic zizou type cunt if i met messi and he was a tit that'll break my heart he was like no pictures fuck off i think he's a bit weird though isn't he there's like i think he's very uh what if it was really super famous people were just annoying in a dead specific way like leonardo messi always used to love do like he does dick taps yeah messi's great but

he's always fucking dick tapping get off leo well bill murray does stuff like that don't he bill murray like famously fucks with people when he meets them like apparently he's gone up to people in restaurants and took like a chip and etted in front of them and gone no one will ever believe you bill murray's had some uh accusations against him this week oh no pretty oh shit no yeah they've they've they've shut down filming of a film set oh what did bill do he was uh it's bill murray lost in translation he's grown i think what oh he mounted will's telling me he mounted someone Oh we've all done that He mounted Just pop Bill Murray accusations

We've all done that What's really funny is There's a comedy club in London Called The Bill Murray Lost in Translation Is a fantastic film Oh no Not Bill

Come on Bill Be better than that Bill Roach Inappropriate set behaviour Oh Straddled and kissed A younger female colleague Oh be better than that Bill Roach inappropriate set behaviour oh straddled and kissed a younger female colleague oh

I know it's good isn't it damn we'd nip that one no one's ever done that as well of his age on set no

who'd do that he is 80 years old though so don't straddle and kiss oh no he's not allowed yeah it's bad though Lost in Translation is a good film though.

Is that the one that comes to your mind as the best Bill Murray film? Because I've got it. No, it's the one that stuck in my head because I've lived there. Groundhog Day is just... I love that film so much. Never seen it.

Oh, it's an excellent bit of film. Love it. I did until he disgusted me. Tell you what ground on day more like the next day okay should we do another question

yeah alright cool one more and then lunch I'm hungry what do you want anything something to eat cool

meal money on toast shall we do shall we do a bit of advice Can do Yeah okay cool Press the button Oh sorry I am

I'm here to help Here to help I'll solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do If you want to do it you'll be fine If you don't you might do time I'm dropping these hard at the arena. I don't think we realise how much these will bang. Yeah, they're all... The bass on that one is going to be stonking.

Yes! G-Funk at the end. Do you want to go Woke girlfriend Or girlfriend moving abroad Woke girlfriend Okay Carl says He's Moroccan as well K or C

C My mum Carl says Wag wag lids I hate my name No I've been with my girlfriend For five years now But the problem is

Five years Five years Still you Still me Still here Five years Five years Maybe Five years But the problem is five years five years still you still me still here five years five years baby

five years but the problem is she's so woke every show she wants to watch has to be woke as fuck and she's tried to stop me it sounds like he's smoking woke as fuck

and she's tried to stop me from watching Game of Thrones because she thought it was problematic due to the nudity the women have to go through and the rape scenes being too far.

Also, when we go to see comedy, it has to be someone so vanilla or part of the LGBTQ plus movement such as Alan Carr. Any...

You know... Just so you know, if you don't know what LGBTQ plus is, boys, I've got an example for you. This gay fella. Any advice?

He is unrelentingly lgbt blue lgd blue what does d stand for double penetration i already do has he got two bum balls no one in the face someone in the ass oh okay such as alan carr no double penetration actually is two cocks in the same hole isn't it that's what dp is it could be two different holes oh is it pussy or bubble i thought it was the two holes i'm mistaken thank you for educating me no how are you getting two dicks in one hole google that what have you seen that? In with the same bum hole. Yeah. Just put two cocks in one bum hole, Finn.

That'd be easier. Just put two cocks in one bum hole. YouTube will monetize this episode. If Alan Carr's DVD comes up, I'd be so happy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Images. Oh, good God. Oh, it does happen.

Oh, there you go. Phil, Phil, Phil. We'll stop recording the telly. Fuck's sake. That was Finn and Will next, by you go. So it does. Phil, Phil. Will stop recording the telly for fuck's sake. That was Finn and Will next by the way. Any advice on- I wouldn't wanna do that. You just want one cock in your asshole. No.

Come on, you've all been- No, tell you what, right now lads, I'm going out on a bit of a fucking, I don't want two cocks in my arsehole I'd be like Linford If I end up having a threesome with a friend A man and a girl Which can happen

Has happened before If she was like I want both of your cocks in my arsehole I'd be like no I'm not rubbing my bellend on his To make you happy You'd say that how are you rubbing bellends because your bellends are touched on the way in

what do you mean how are you rubbing bellends how big's your arsehole you're in the west wing and he's in the east wing there's going to be chaffage also this is almost as offensive where do your legs go you're going to be scissoring your mate no I think you're both doing this, aren't you?

What? You're both facing the other way. Do you know what I mean? Talk me through it. Bro. Talk me through it. Talk me through it. You all right, lad?

I don't know how we've managed this. It's calm. She's lying flat. Yeah, you're leaning away. Carl? No, how do you do that? It's like that. You're both going.

That's what Scott's imagining. I'm telling you right now, two cocks in one bum hole. You both do that, but then you both spin away. Lean away. No, spin. Spin?

So you're both facing the other way. Where's your dick? Up on her ass. And you're spinning away yeah where do your legs go oh right Dan she's there

like that how subtle she's there yeah yeah and you're here and he's there and you're both just like you sort of

dock yeah yeah yeah yeah and snap your legs behind you yeah you just have to be a bit more subtle oh supple Doc? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And snap your legs behind you. Yeah. You just have to be a bit more subtle. Subtle.

And hot yoga's going well, is it? This is what we're practising for. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah, you get bendy. Cool. I love it how I'm more appalled with leg touching. Every time we're on this pod and we accidentally touch hands, you're like, ah, you can't do two dicks, one hole. No. No, no, no. What do two dicks, one hole. No.

No, no, no. What was the question? Yeah, what was the question? Something about his woke girlfriend, who I reckon might not be a listener of Have A Word. Throwing it out there. Sounds dull. Any advice on how to get her to go to hot water

or see something slightly edgy? Is she too scared to go in case someone tells a trans joke? Well, to be honest, like, she's scared to go in case someone tells a trans joke. Well, to be honest, like, she's scared to go. There's not that many. She sounds like an absolute cunt. Yeah, you need to

fucking leg her anyway. Like, I've got no problem with people being like, oh, look, I believe this and whatever. But her saying you can't watch certain things

trying to get you to stop it, she sounds like a big dull twat, mate. And honestly, I hope I never meet this woman because I think I'd just have to tell her straight listen

you're a gobshite you and you're ruining your fella's life you need two dicks in your arsehole with legs not touching yeah fuck her off

yeah being scared to listen to something like you can just ignore it I always think this with the woke stuff like no I get it

everyone's entitled to their opinion if she's not if she doesn't like jokes about dodgy subjects, she's doing the right thing by avoiding them, to be fair. But she can't control what you're doing as well. But why do they have to take it so far? Like, racism is wrong, and equality is a positive thing. But if you go too far with this,

it's like a fucking... People who are woke are like a parking sensor on a car like it's important to be getting close it's yeah it's it's it's important it's important to be anti-racism to be anti like to be pro that's all good but if you fucking start squealing too early it's like a parking sensor that goes off when you're three meters from a bollard. You're squeaking too much. Oh, my God, that's racism. You're like, chill the fuck out. You've called it way too early.

And then what happens is you just start ignoring the parking sensor because it's fucking broke. And then you bump into something. And if it's fictional like Game of Thrones. Fucking wild analogy there. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah, it works. But I didn't think it was going to when you started.

Do you know what i mean though yeah it worked but like i didn't think it was gonna when you started you know what i mean because because if everyone's shouting racism for any mention of race if that's if what happens is they all get ignored yeah and then within that cunts are getting away with some fucking horrible stuff just be be an adult. You're grown up. You're diluting the water and I've gone, that's bad. You're like, no, it's not bad. There's bad shit that's bad that is now getting put

in the same category. And it's like, it's getting diluted a little bit. I know what you mean. I know what you're saying. Yeah. Like there's actual bad shit that you should be fighting for.

And they go, don't take it with your own stuff. It's awful. Shut up. Also, I'm starting to hate that like art isn't allowed to show the awful parts of human nature yeah i can imagine if like american history x got made now people are all racist and it's like that's the point of the film it's literally a story about it's how you learn isn't it it's how you learn have you seen Jamie Foxx talking about Leonardo DiCaprio filming Django

Leonardo DiCaprio was like oh it's so good was like I can't say these things I can't say it and Samuel L Jackson

and Jamie Foxx were like we're not your friends when we're filming you own us we're your property we're not people and the next day

he come in and Jamie Foxx was like you alright Leo didn't even look at him like yeah yeah to get the method act the respect away from these actors yeah i mean she sounds what's she watching like fucking i want to show the glen i don't want to watch this comedian. I want to watch Monarch of the Glen. It's her Game of Thrones. I don't know what you put on.

The news is even bad. What's she watching? Oh, she's done my head in. It can't be loads of fun. What's Woke Telly? What is Woke Telly? Like, come on and put... So woke. BBC Breakfast.

What does she watch hey good luck with that relationship I bet she's a great shag erm so erm shall we call it

dead hungry chicken burger I'm feeling a chicken burger I think ok cool see you in a bit what's happening

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a wearable device and if you become a Whoop member as we are encouraging all of our listeners to do, as we all have very recently, you essentially get a digital fitness coach. There's an app that goes along with it. It monitors your sleep, your recovery,

the strain you're putting on your body, your fitness, everything. It's the most advanced piece of technology for this kind of thing. I'm already loving it. I'm already getting competitive with it. We've got a very unique, you've got to,

if you want to join our community, you've got to do a couple of things here so you go to join.woop.com slash have a word if you do that you get a free month's woop membership and you also get a 30-day return window so you can essentially just try it for free and if you don't think it's for you you can give it back and if it is for you obviously you can keep it going and that link not only gets you those offers, it also lets Whoop know that we're the ones who sent you. Once you've signed up, you enter the code COMM-HVAWRD.

I imagine that's all on the screen if you're watching this on YouTube and you can join our community and you can track yourselves alongside us. You can see all your data at the same time as seeing all of our data and see who's getting themselves in the best shape you don't have to do weights you don't have to be running for 10 miles you can just be do doing what i'm

doing which is a bit of gardening and light masturbation and it's still it's all positive isn't it yeah all positive i'm track tracks it i'm trying to get swole swole i want to be genuinely i want to drop two stone before the arena and i reckon i'm going to get swole swole i want to be genuinely i want to drop two stone before the arena and i reckon i'm going to be able to do it right cool i just want to not die at 55 yeah so this is helping it's an amazing bit of kit get on board and if you don't get on board you can just watch us mess it up because i've not started well uh yeah so go to join.woop.com slash have a word order yourself the new Whoop 4.0. Become a Whoop member

and join our little fitness challenge that we're going to, right up until the arena, we're going to be doing this. How are these? What? How are these? They're pecs.

Oh, sorry, they're pecs. Not tits anymore. These are boobs. Those are pecs. You're getting fat. I'm getting fit. Fact. Final section.

We're going to do three when there's no guest because we're lazy like that. Not lazy. You know what? It's free. The podcast is free. What's that shite

that I was drinking? Diet, no thanks. I drink sneak. What code would you use if you wanted a sneak? Carl 10. Word 10. Word 10.

Something with 10. Word 10. Sneaky beak. For a big mug of shite. Sneak. It's good if you want to work out as well, probably. Did they call sneak shite in? No.

Did they call it in Liverpool? You getting on the shite tonight, lad? No, I'm on the sneak. You don't need coke when you've had sneak. Because it's like coke, but in a drink. Allegedly. It's all like goth fuel. Steak getting nervous.

No, that's monster. It is. Yeah, goth fuel's monster. Sneak isn't like goth fuel Steve getting nervous no that's monster it is yeah goth fuel's monster sneakers and for goths sneakers for the average working American like I am middle America hey

my name's Danny I'm from the midwest sneakers for all of the working and middle classes the blue the blue colour for all of the working and middle classes. The blue, the blue collar, but also white collar working man.

Or woman. Brown collar as well. If you've got a collar or a skirt, a pair of tits or a cock, whatever you are, try sneak.

Yeah. You tired? Tired of life? Don't end it all. Drink sneak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you fucking knackered?

Get sneak in your side, yeah. Are you tired of cheating on your wife and having to sneak around? Well, all the energy you're using on that, you can replenish with some sneak energy drink. Help you fuck your mistress. Betrayal is tiring. Use code word 10.

Do you feel deep-rooted shame? Do you hate yourself? Have you let yourself and your family down? He's so angry. Drink sneak. Get snuck. I don't know. You're an awful human.

Are you a CEO of a Fortune 500 company? That must be tiring. That must be tiring that must be tiring gee whiz you've been working so hard lately but you could use with an energy boost g fuel yeah use sneak to replenish all your energy do you spend conquering the business world do you work on a Japanese whaling ship? Those harpoons don't lift themselves. Try sneak. Or as you call it, sneaker. Are you Diana Ross?

Are you Diana Ross and you're dead old and knackered because you've been singing for ages? Fucking get on the sneak. Diana! That's how they do it. Yeah. Have you got Emmy? I don't know it might work emmy award winning have you got chronic fatigue brought on by uh too much chronic

boogie candles have you got chronic fatigue brought on by insufferable pain? Well, you might be tired. And if you're tired, you need to sneak. Or as we call it, jazz acid. Jazz acid. Not to be related to actual acid. We need to do some small things here. But actually, you get acid.

But only Japanese whaling. Because it's like traditional. So do you reckon that's... Steve? Steve, you know we have to mention Steve. Do you reckon that's all right? What's the promo code? One more ad.

No, one more code. Are you Donatella Versace? Are you like, oh my God, I've been trying so many dresses. You need sneak, you ugly old fucking lizard. Promo code. Word 10. You're like a nasty handbag. Word 10. You're like a handbag

that would give you gonorrhea. Don't stick your dick in that handbag. Watch it drink sneak. Oh, I like the noise there. That was nice. My name is Donatella Versace. drink sneak. Oh, I like the noise there. That was nice. Man, I'm a dollar to La Versace. I'm so tired. Now I'm not.

But drinking like this. Is that good enough? Is that the one? Steve's happy. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Use the cod word a ten I wonder if she was named after the

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Versace that nearly went on your white t-shirt and my laptop yeah she was

she was called Leonardo Versace for like ten minutes yeah Shredder yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah you're okay Dan I'm so tired um what are you tired Dan get to your sleep

have you got a one year old that's on fucking glue in fact like just I love that kid but if he doesn't start sleeping he's going out the fucking window

with sneak do you need to kick an 18 month old child out the fucking window you sneak and see stars are coming in too late when he's going out the fucking window with sneak. Do you need to kick an 18-month-old child out the fucking window? You sneak. And see stars are coming in too late when he's been out with his mates. He's on the fucking shite. He's on the shite. He's on the shite.

He's on the shite. He hides it in his nappy. Loads of shite. Oh, no, that's actual shite. He's on the shite. He's on the shite. Where's Jack? He's out on the shite.

Sounds like a cover of a Take a Break magazine. My two-year-old's on shite. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. Greenham Offit using sneak and use the promo code WEREN'T10 to help. Yeah. Is your toddler not sleeping?

Try sneak. Go full circle. What's my resting heart rate? Yes, good. Sneak. Please don't remove the brand deal. Steve, is that everything you need? Yeah.

Cool. Nice one, Steve. Thank you. Six minute advert. They definitely wanted it is genuinely good it's really nice I hate my son he's such a bellend

you hate your son no I don't I love him to bits but you hate him you can love someone you hate no I don't I don't hate him

but he's just we're having a bit of a have you heard of a sleep regression no it's when they get more annoying they're like cool I can sleep night night

see you later wake up once but now he's like what if i wake up four times and i know it's bad when i'm getting woken up and like today is a long day this is important he thought about changing his diet thousand people he might be having too much sugar to talk me through it oh yeah what's he eating is he on solids now fried eggs is he Haribo just before bed what dad that's your best whoa days

we found it easy work days your problem you're giving him Haribo before bed yeah shouldn't do that with kids no more Jager bombs

after seven I've said that to the kids finish a Jager bomb before seven it's dangerous to be having Jager bombs and being on the shite at the same time

it's too lots of things particularly for a one and a five-year-old. Etta can handle it. She's an animal. It's like, all right, Dad. I ain't even fucking slept. Don't give Jackie Jagerbomb.

I'm stupid at my school. It's fucking bouncing. Don't give Jackie Jagerbomb before birth. He will wake up. Is he eating, like, proper food now, or is he still on life? Uh-huh. The shite.

What? Is he on the solids? Is he eating pork chops? Is he still on, like, SMA milk, or does he eat? He's one and a half. I don't know the time. He's starting to talk. Right.

They get on food way earlier than... Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you were like four by the time he started eating properly. Four? Four? He never started eating properly. He's still on the fucking SMA milk. I'd love it.

He'd probably be healthier than the shite I eat now. I'm rusk yeah yeah yeah he's eating starting to talk he does baby led weaning you know what that is baby led weaning is where you got

sounds like an Italian dish baby led weaning or a skate move baby led weaning is where you just put food in front of them and like they work it out badly

watching him eat with a spoon Is so painful It's so He goes It takes ages To get two Cheerios On a fucking spoon Gravity

Yeah So he's You know Is he following proper sentences Yeah Or has he just like Got words Butt ball Butt ball Butt ball Yeah Yeah, so he's, you know. Is he forming proper sentences, yeah? Or has he just, like, got words? Buttball.

Buttball. Buttball. Yeah? What's buttball? Buttball. Oh, football. Buttball. Sounds like a game.

Outside. Outside. Outside, buttball. Laura. Is he formulating any sort of heavy opinion, Jeff? Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He hates Mexicans.

It's really mental. He's done it it he's built a wall out of lego what's that jack mexican border bella war what's the opinion of the u.s what's the opinion of the g8 the g8 g? G7, aren't they? G7, sorry, yeah. Who's been relegated? Russia. Russia been relegated? I don't know who it is. But one of them defected. Panama. To the what?

To the Dubai Five? Yeah, the G8 was boring. There was no relegation. Fucking West Brom are out. It's America China yeah he's he's yeah he's pretty

he's pretty anti-immigration he doesn't like anyone coming in the house what's his favourite prime time TV show what's his favourite prime time TV show Big Bang Theory

is he more of a chase man or a pointless what is he more of a chase man or pointless? What? Is he more of a chase man or into pointless? Oh, he's a bit chase. He's not developed all the way to pointless. He likes it simple, straight down the line. With a big fat man staring at everyone.

What's he called? The Beast. Bradley Walsh. Oh. Oh. And Higgity. Mark Labette. Shaggs' cousin. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Mark Labette Shags' cousin

Do do do do do do do Mark Labette Shags What tune was that? I don't know Do do do do do Mark Labette Shags' cousin He sang that in the crowd

Oh yeah It's the warm up guy Yeah The crowd at the chase Are fucking leery you know It's like a Galatasaray match Mark Labette Shags' cousin The crowd at the chase are fucking leery, you know. It's like a Galatasaray match. Fuck!

The best time to discuss it! Do the poznan. Do the poznan. Fuck it up! The sinner man, here he comes. All sinners. Oh, God. So weird having one of your mates. What would they sing about him?

Sinner man, sinner man, loves to bum men. Yeah, he does. He does. He wears white suits. He about him? Cinnamon, cinnamon, loves to bum men. Yeah, he does. He does. He has white suits. He does. Well, he doesn't love to bum men. He likes to bum his boyfriend. Or husband.

Hi, Paul. How you doing? You all right? Dead tides. And I respect you and your partner. He might be the bummy. I don't know. Luckily, he's got a good sense of humour.

Thank fuck. It is weird having your mate on that strange how many people we know that are doing famous stuff now isn't it famous stuff like Jack Whitehall is doing proper films what's the fucking Barney the big red dog

do we know him Barney the big red dog what have I mixed that up with do we know do any of us know Clifford the dog yeah I know Jack Whitehall

oh but you said it's funny how many people we know are doing big things yeah Jack Whitehall's in Barney the the big red dog is it a cartoon what

is he a voiceover no they're doing a live action remake I know you think I've been stupid but you've matched my stupidity they did do a live action

they've done a live action on a Jack White is it a real dog it's a big it's a massive yeah they got a lot of breeding decades of breeding

it ate four fucking extras Cliff had that another extra here he is there he is Jack White all doing an

American accent there's the dog fucking hell that's terrifying who wants to watch that it's actually fucking horrible Jack Whitehall doing an American accent. There's the dog. Fucking hell. That's terrifying. Who wants to watch that? It's actually fucking horrible, isn't it? The fact that there's another normal dog there makes it so much worse.

Why would you want to watch that? Too scared to look up just in case Clifford gets horny. Fucking hell. Wear you like a fucking glove. Imagine his pink lipstick, mate. Clifford is a red. Clifford is a red. Clifford is a red.

He's out for fucking extras. Clifford is a red. If I were going to act and I want to be serious roles, I might have said this to you before, but I've been thinking about acting a lot lately. Several times. I've been thinking about diversifying my career. Right.

Yeah, you need more stuff to do. No, but I just mean, like, I think I want to spread my wings a bit. And fly. Fly. Fly like a bird far away from here. Yeah, I just think, you know, a bit of drama would be great.

I think I could do it as well. I think I'd be more suited to that than comedy acting, funnily enough. Yeah. Yeah, I see it. Lord of the Rings are making a lot of money in TV now, isn't it? Amazon have pumped millions in. Lord of the Rings are making a they're a lot of money in TV now innit Amazon

Amazon have pumped millions in I could see you as a fucking hobbit could you thank you oh yeah yeah yeah the grumpy

scouse one come on you know what it's like we're Horfords fuck off lad fuck off I'm in a fucking castle and a staff

where's my fucking dragon oh where wrong series what about house of the dragon that's the other

money it's one of them at the moment I don't want to be in either of them I want to play serious

roles in serious stuff that isn't fucking fantasy the bill dead dead serious the bill

would you be in the bill the bill I think I'd be really good in the bill would you be a busy or a

criminal oh he'd have to be a criminal because he hates the police. The criminals aren't in it for very long, are they? They're like, sort of short storylines. You want to be long,

like, in the bill? You want to be a regular? Oh, fuck that. You want to come in and steal the show? No, I want to be the Ken Barlow of the bill. Like, 60 years playing the same bill. Is it still going? Is the bill still going?

I used to love the feet thing, do you remember, at the start? We'd see the feet walking yeah the opening credits oh yeah it was the

female police officer and a male police officer yeah you could see the boots with the music they were walking because that's what they do

they patrol the beat smart yeah I think you'd be better dropping in as like a just a one off

bang out like an amazing performance as what kind of crime? What crime would he sue? Are you PC role? Sex offender.

Or are you going to be like a character? That's what I want to be. I want to be a corrupt policeman. Ooh. Like Line of Duty. Yeah, Line of Duty-esque. It'd be better though,

because they ruined it. Yeah. Line of Duty. Corrupt policeman in the bill. Bill, late night. Ooh. The Bill Vice. Go on a line. Late night. The bill vice.

Call it a line of shite. Oh, yeah. Line of shite. And that's what I'm doing. I'm working from the inside to make sure all the drug dealers in Liverpool can sell their shite. Right. I'm the inside man.

On the bill, which is set in... Which is set in... London, is it? Yeah. Nobody change it. It's the bill, Liverpool. The Liverpool bill. No, the bill. which is set in London, is it? Yeah. No, but they change it. It's the bill, Liverpool. The Liverpool bill.

No, the bill. Scouse Mafia. That's what it's called. The bill, Scouse Mafia. It's coming to your tellies next year, then. Oh, my God. I think it'd be better in America, wouldn't it? Like a New York or Chicago or like...

Kelly's Wines. Yeah. That'd be great. The dramatization of that. The dramatization of that the dramatisation of that yeah yeah I've not got over that

still so mental yeah Liverpool is weird no it's the best city in the world best city in the world yeah Clifford is a red Clifford is a red

he's fucking big and massive well good luck with that good luck with that we're keeping you up lad been a long week ain't it yeah we went boozing on a Tuesday

booze day booze day mate in Shrewsbury booze day in Shrewsbury chat Whitehall good on you mate come on the couch come on the couch

is he scared to come on the couch what I was told he was a bit trepidatious because we're naughty told by who a person

you've got an inside source no a person who's his friend was a bit like oh he knows about you but he's a bit like trepidatious about coming on because because he does films

with massive red dogs for kids yeah and we're a bit naughty I can see yeah also you'll probably work with him soon when your career gets off

once you've done the Bill Scouse Mafia Kelly's Wine special what? get off the no I don't want to use my own accents if I go acting

I want to like be I want to like get an accent coach an accent coach? I'd like I'd love to be like a New York I think you should be

a New Yorker no Brazilian Brazilian it needs to be Brazilian? a Brazilian New Yorker no Brazilian Brazilian it needs to be Brazilian a Brazilian New Yorker I don't know how to do a Brazilian accent that's why you need

an accent coach no but like I've got to build on the foundations I've already got I've already got New York pretty tight type in

Brazilian New York no don't really Finn I'm being stupid alright shall we do some other words there's been a murder here I'm going to solve it.

What? Why would he come up to the crime scene and say that like they didn't know? There's been a murder here. I'm going to fucking solve it. Yeah, I know. That's why we've taped it all off. I'm going to do all the work to get this to justice. That's why I'm here. That's why they call me Detective

Justice. He solved the Kelly's Wines case. Detective Obvious, because you just tell everyone what you're doing. I'm here to solve the case. That guy has been murdered. With his sidekick, Father O'Leary. That guy is as dead as a motherfucker.

And I'm gonna find out who did it to him. Thank you, Inspector Obvious. He's been shot fucking nine times. That's horrible. Go ahead. Fucking hell. Father O'Leary and Detective Obvious. I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Got a fucking great program. Detective'm doing there but he's deeply religious mate after every case enduring it he goes to confession but it's just to get advice from Father O'Leary alright that's what

what you got to confess insolvent murders hey I ain't done nothing wrong since 1992 you know that I've been clean since then yeah Barcelona Olympics

I remember That was a fucker Yeah But I'm having a bit of a problem With an old murder case It's come back up You remember the shoelace strangler That we never caught

Someone got strangled the other night with a shoeglace And we're starting to think shoeglaze. Shoeglaze. Lovely glazed shoe. Is it cake? That's my question. And we're starting to think he might have reared his ugly head again. We're thinking this could be part of a spree.

Yeah. But to the confession, you got anything going on? Sorry, father. Just give me a moment. Hello? You're kidding me. You're pulling my leg. He's only gone and done it again.

We found someone with a pair of Vans with no shoelaces in them. He's dead too? He's killed him and stolen his shoelaces One of them is round his neck and the other one is missing Presumed stolen I try Honestly I will tell the story with this phone call

Cut down on budget Lads I think you need to go to fucking Timpsons Fucking all these Fucking these shoelaces are going to lead to a Timpsons I'm telling you right now listen Johnny I gotta go I'm in the confession box with Father O'Leary yeah I'll tell him you said so

yeah he sounds I don't even know who that was it's Johnny Pickles he said say good luck to you and your wife with the stuff you're going through. My wife? Keep that quiet in here.

I'm a fucking Catholic priest. What? Lad, lad. Don't talk about Janine in here. How many fifths does this little lady have? Sounds like five old ladies got a confession to make of his own. Fuck, you know. I'm Jewish. Find out next time. Sounds like father old lady's got a confession to make of his own. Fuck off. I'm Jewish.

Find out next week on Detective Abelius and Barlow. So, father, can you ask the Lord to bless me on my fucking case? Because I really want to catch this guy before he kills half of Manhattan. It's shoelaces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. You're blessed. Now fuck off.

I've got fucking synagogue. Hey, tell Janine, your friend, that I was asking about. It's all right. A bit fucking funny. You leave all jazz jazz out of it. And scene.

I can see it. Yeah, I can see it. A pearl. A out of it. I can see it. Yeah, I can see it. A purr. A purr of veins. A purr of veins. I see a purr of veins. I got a vision. Should we do some other words?

Yeah. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell them all the problems That you have with your friends This was supposed to be The whole podcast Now it's just the final 10% A little bit of a misnomer actually

It wasn't ever meant to be The whole podcast was it? It was just the main feature I mean we were always going to be Chatting shit for ages weren't we? No What? No

When I originally drew the plans up In my head We were just going to be chatting shit for ages, weren't we? No. What? No. When I originally drew the plans up in my head, we were just going to do these for the whole thing. That was just the final 10%. Yeah. Richard Peel says, Wag wag. Pee low. Dick Peel.

Yeah. The peeler. He's been subbed too much in. Yeah. Wag wag. Wag wag. Wag wag. Can you either have a word with me or my missus?

When I do the garden, I deliberately leave next door's hedge alone. She says I'm a bellend and should cut it, but it's not up to me to do their fucking gardening. If they were OAPs, fair enough, but they are young and healthy and sexy. For all I know, they might prefer a longer bush. Oh, Richard. Oh, dick peel. You knew what you were doing.

Am I right to leave it or am I a passive-aggressive knobhead, as she puts it? Well, we've talked about the beef I've had with my fucking neighbours. What? Martin. Yeah.

It's all right. Martin, the one who's... You've got to be careful. ...been trying to shag Lorda and download indecent images of children. Yeah, I think that's the one. I think you've got to be careful doing your neighbours' garden if they've the one. I think you've got to be careful doing your neighbour's garden

if they've not asked. But here's one. We've got like a shared front lawn and if the gardeners come and mow the lawn, the gardener's like, well, I'm just going to mow your side and it looks eggy as fuck because they just mow a line,

like go fuck yourself. Whereas if I mow, I do next doors as well I'm a big fan of the line doesn't fucking paid I'm a big fan of the line I really am I think

everyone's responsible for their own garden yeah I've said that for years yeah yeah yeah in your penthouse flat I've only lived there

for six months that's true I used to have a garden and tell you what whenever I did my back garden or my front garden, I made my neighbours look worse. Hell throws over. Because you never did any of them things.

No, you don't have to do... You don't have to do... You're young, you're renting. Who's arsed? Yeah. But I would absolutely be like Richard Ming. I'm doing my bit. Do you want yours doing?

Give me some money then. Right. I like a bit of, you know. Depends what your neighbours are like. Sound neighbours. If it's reciprocated, if you feel like they'd do the same thing, then yeah, go for it.

If they went, hey, do you mind doing me, hedge for me while you're doing yours? I'd be like, do you know what? Not a problem, John. It's just going to be 200 quid. Not a problem for me. It is 200 pound for you though.

Oh, you don't want to pay me? Oh, so unpaid labour. So you're comfortable with slavery, are you, John? Didn't know that about you. Didn't know you were trying to bring slavery back. Most people agreed that that was an abhorrent period of history and should never be repeated. But here we are.

Here we are, John. Is that the kind of thing? Can't wait for you to buy a house. It's going to be fun. What did they mean to them? Oh, slavery, is it? The new neighbours are mad about it. I want 200 quid for future gardening.

Otherwise, massa. Once the neighbours stop them on the table. Oh, massa. You treat me bad. I'm up for it. I get it. I just think keep everyone sweet. I'm telling you, when it goes I get it. I just think keep everyone sweet. I'm telling you,

when it goes eggy, it's horrible. Keep everyone sweet. To a point. Don't take the piss. Warfare from day one. Going hard. Shit on their front lawn.

Just set your stall out early. You just got to be like, look, I don't take shit, me. You know what I mean? I'm happy to be friends. You don't take shit. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I take shite. You don't take shit me you know what I mean like I'm happy to be friends you don't take shit oh sorry sorry sorry I take shit

you don't take shit like listen I'm a friendly neighbour but you've got to know who's boss and it's me like I'll happily

you know I'll be yeah you want some sugar I'll lend you some sugar you never know how to sugar a bit of milk I've always got plenty of milk in I over buy milk if anything

Sometimes it gets thrown away Really? You overbuy milk? Every now and then I always overbuy milk Really? Yeah Every now and then

No but sometimes I just get one pint But sometimes I just get eight And then just throw it all away Eight Eight pints Do that But then be horrible to his kids

Be really nice to the adults But horrible to his kids be really nice to the adults but horrible to the kids and they won't believe them daddy's horrible what are you on about I give you milk all the time who do you believe

but then spit at his kid when he's walked away cool create a a problem within their family structure right in the kids undermine them

from within it's horrible to them get the name wrong every time you see them Have you got their footy snickers yeah I bet you get bullied loads don't you You little fat ginger cunt Go and tell your dad I said he's got a nice haircut

Goes and cries Dad But who do you believe Then you're like what's he on about him The dad's like shut up you little ginger prick I do feel good today actually What did you do when you moved into the house The dad's like, shut up, you little gingerbread. I do feel good today, actually. What did you do when you moved into the house?

Did you knock on the neighbours and say hello? Luckily, they were outside and they're both doctors, so it's very good neighbours to have. Oh, right. Because if I get sick, I can knock on their door.

They'll love that. No, but I mean... You probably seek medical attention before the... No, but I mean you probably you probably seek medical attention before the no but I mean if something happens in the house

agent and I'm waiting for an ambulance I go aye something's happened in there chainsaw instance

we've got a sex toy stuck yeah yeah chainsaw so they're one side and the other side there's an insane

woman who plays the telly at insane levels she's not as fun do you know about the man who had a vibrating bullet go up his arse and ruined his bowels

what there needs to be a screech there surely well it sort of made sense because we were talking about sex toys and chainsaws but I'll give you and chainsaws

I had it monkeys on sex toys and chainsaws but only from Sheffield not from LA yeah you know you know the little vibrating bully which is a very useful Sex toys and chains. But only from Sheffield, not from LA. You know the little vibrating bully, which is a very useful sex toy for the... Clit. Clitoris.

Pleasuring. Clitoris. Pleasurus. Some fella, like his missus was sort of playing with his arsehole with it and his arse sort of like swallowed the... It's autonomous. Feed me. No, but you know like sometimes your arsehole

just becomes like a little fucking grabbing machine. Do you know what I mean? What? And it grabbed the bullet in the bullet and it whammed its way

up his arsehole into his bowels and destroyed his bowels. What kind of Venus fly trap have you got? Like a fucking chameleon's tongue. Of its own volition

just reached out and grabbed it. Basically. Oh, shit. His arsehole was pulsating and he grabbed the bullet and swallowed it whole I've dropped my fork

off the table grab it for me Adam oh not with your fucking sphincter lad no it didn't it swallowed it all it didn't that's what he said

to the nurse oh sitting there my arsehole reached out opened the drawer grabbed the bullet turned around and shoved it up my arse. No.

I was just sat there. I was sat there drying off. This was about two weeks ago. And my arsehole grabbed my phone and bought this online. And then my arsehole also grabbed my credit card and the three digits off the back. Nightmare. I'll tell you what, when my arsehole signed for it from the DPD guy,

he wasn't happy. I had to take the picture, though. It's the rules. It's the line that's been told as arsehole breached out the ground. I don't even know what happened. You know what I mean. Do you mean your arsehole gets a bit grabby when things go around? No, it went just inside his arsehole.

They just were teasing it. And he fucking sucked it up. Hungry, hungry arsehole. They shoved it up. He's got an autonomous arsehole. I think it makes sense. Like a snake's neck. Don't stick anything near my arsehole.

He gets tempted. He gets tempted. Oh, he's on now. It's like a fucking Rottweiler. We've got to stop Because I need to go to the toilet I can't laugh like you are Because I'll shit myself

Those slim chickens we had Have fucking gone straight to me arsehole We can have the end of the episode No pause it Alright we'll pause it now Okay good Go on Just leave it on

No I don't Don't touch this Cut it out No we'll cut it out I won't say. Go on. It's on the phone. Just leave it on. No, I don't. Cut it out. No, we'll cut it out. I won't say anything. Go on. Go on. To degrees of which that's not happening.

FOMO? Yeah. Don't poo just because you're going to get FOMO. We can edit all this out, can't we? Yeah. This is getting cut out. No, honestly, promise you. Look at that.

Such a pro. Such a pro. Go for a poo-poo. Go for a poo-poo. Go for a poo-poo. Come on. Don't have an accident. Not today. That one's going to happen, is it?

Yeah. Turn it off. No, come on. We'll come back and we'll do it some more. We'll be fine. We've got a room. I've got a train. If you want me to come back in this room,

you can turn that off. All right, cool. Oh, he's such a bum head. Someone with a big chunk can have it otherwise. Reach out and grab it. Don't come back with, like, toilet duck such a bum head. Reach out and grab it. Don't come back with like toilet duck. I won't. Or a seat.

Turn it off. Turn it off. Ah, he made a shit. Turn it off. Yes, make him shit. What's happening, lads? Manscaped have sent us a new advert read through and it's because the soccer season

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Celebrate a new season of the beautiful game with your newly beautiful balls. My balls have always been fit. It. Back from the poo? He's a new woman. Did you do the poo-poo? Yeah.

Needed it. Some people think I'm bonkers. But I just think I'm free. It's finished. What? He's not finished. He's 28. He's not finished.

Ah, yes. And an enemy. And an enemy. Any more questions, Dan? Last bit of advice And then we can fuck off Hi Lids Love the pod

Keep up the good work Give me some advice please I'm so conflicted The story goes That me and my fella Asked his friend To look after our house Whilst we were on holiday recently

He would come and feed our cat Turn lights on Etc Second night of the holiday Our little move activated camera in our bedroom was set off and popped up on my phone. It's a live feed. We have the camera in there to keep our eye on the cat

and when we're at work. Anyway, I get a notification saying it's been triggered. My fella's friend is in our room, rifling through our drawers. I watched him sniff a pair of my knickers, then pocket them and walk out. I'm too scared to tell my fella because they're best mates and it could cause murder,

even though I think it's fucking horrible. Please help. What do I do? All the love. Anonymous. You can't be kink shaming. What? Is it a kink?

Yeah. Sniffing knickers. I get it as well. I really get it. When does kink become dirty horrible perv in it because kink is like a modern way of saying oh you know you it's empowering all the little sexual foibles but there is a point where it just becomes horrible perfect because if you're wanking in front of a primary school you can be like

stop kink shaming me no you're being a pedo yeah like if you're sniffing your mate's girlfriend's knickers and then what why does she leave them in the drawer why didn't she lock the drawer then she didn't want her nippers you little niffer sniffer have you been snicking my niffers? If she knew my niffers snickered, she should have locked the fucking drawer. Why has she just left them in the house? It seems a little bit suspect to me.

Yeah, it's the woman's fault. You whore. Going away, leaving all your undergarments, your disgusting whorish undergarments, in a drawer in your bedroom, like a slag. Go round and feed the calf for me. Definitely don't sniff my knickers. We all know what she wanted.

Here's a key. If you could snick my knickers I'd be fucking great. And by the way, if you're an actual pro at this, I imagine that the clean ones in a drawer aren't what you're after. Have a rummage through the washing. You don't go and leave washing, though, unless you're a psychopath.

Also, sometimes knickers have a residual smell even after a good wash. That's what you really want. Right, well, your washing machine's broken, or you've got fucking bovine fanny disorder. What's it called? BV. Bovine fanny disorder. What's it called? No, that's it. It's bovine fanny. Bovine fanny disorder. What's it called? BV. Bovine fanny disorder. What's it called?

No, that's it. It's bovine fanny. Bovine fanny. You've got a bo... You've got a hoof in your fanny. When your fanny goes... What did he say?

He stole them as well, though? Yeah. Talk to my mum. Maybe he was just had hay fever. Maybe he had hay fever and then went up he's gone round

to feed the cat she's just assuming the worst isn't she yeah he's like oh no my allergies maybe he went in there looking for like batteries for their remote

because he was going to like put fresh batteries in the remote for when they get home yeah and he's seen the knickers seems good and he's gone

hang on they're my girlfriend's knickers she's got them and he's gone they're deaf our ears or maybe they use the same detergers and he's gone, hang on. They're my girlfriend's knickers. She's got them. And he's gone, they're deaf our ears and maybe they use the same detergent. Because I always know the scent of mine. Oh, no.

That's Carol's fanny. Oh, hang on. Let me just do it. Yeah, that's Susan. That's Carol. I don't know how they got in there. Also, they've been washed, but both of these women have residuals.

Oi, you need to up the temperature of your washing machine if your knickers still smell. I go 60 degrees. Try it. I'm just saying, he might be totally innocent in this, and she's just assuming the worst in men. Get in the fucking wash basket. Does he tell her, fella?

Get some of them that look like they've been sneezed into. She tell her, fella. She can tell her, fella, them that look like they've been sneezed into she can tell her fella what's gone on what she saw what she saw but she can't be making wild accusations

hey Finn are you alright yeah there's so many times recently when I just see Finn going like she can't be making

baseless accusations just show the footage Like, she can't be making baseless accusations. Just show the footage. This is baseless. Jeff, I've got the fucking footage. That was baseless. You don't know what he's doing there. He might have hate feedback.

Oh, yeah. You can frame anyone with video. Yeah, also, they used to say the camera doesn't lie but there's Photoshop and everything. No, she might be just trying to sit. Maybe she doesn't like how close they are and she's jealous

of their relationship so she's trying to ruin it. Let's get deep feet. It could be a deep feet. It could be a deep feet. You shouldn't believe everything you get told. Do your own research.

Oh, I will. Oh my God, this is it. Unless we see the video, I can't make proper judgments on this one. Right, cool.. Hang on, this is it. Unless we see the video, I can't make proper judgments on this one. Right, cool. From now on,

we're going to need a lot more from your emails. Have a word pod at gmail.com but we need video evidence and a sworn affidavit. And if you know what one of those is,

good for you, I don't, but it sounded right. A sworn affidavit is a way of giving testimony without appearing in court. It's affidavit as well to T. Yeah, davit. It's not affidavit is a way of giving testimony without appearing in court. It's affidavit as well. It's a T.

Yeah, David. It's not affidavit. No, no, no. I want an affidavit. It's like an after eight. Like an after eight. It's a little mint you have on your foot, Dave. Yeah, I don't believe her.

Right. I just tell I'd just I think you're Would you tell Laura If Her friend Was coming round

Sniffing your bills Taking them home Oh Me wife runs Me little re- Wife runs Yeah just Would you go

Laura God If I did this to you When you were on holiday And I went and fed your I did this to you when you were on Aldi and I went and fed your cat... I would not stop until you were on fire and dead. Why? No, what would you actually do, Cot?

Because you always do this. I would shoot you with a gun in each eye hole until you were dead. But I want to know, genuinely, if it turned out that old fucking Sniffy Roe had... I'll just come on this and say by the way Adam

I've seen a video of you sniffing oh would you do it here would you have it out in here would you be alright mates wise probably not no why

why why why what do you mean what would you be okay to do the way round yeah you'd be alright

yeah support you whatever you need I don't believe you do you think Sarah could be alright with it no

do you know I don't think any girl I don't think she'd be flattered no I don't think any girl

would be flattered by it oh my god this is how I show respect god I love this woman keep these for later because I respect her so much.

Have a lovely 28 grand holiday in the Maldives. Just a weekend break. I just think it's a compliment, isn't it? It's a compliment. In this style? Yeah, you wouldn't do it. I'd love to smell your underwear.

If a woman said that to you, you'd be made up. You wouldn't do it to an ugly woman, would you? If you were disgusted by a woman like your friend's partner, you wouldn't do it. I'd love to smell your underwear. If a woman said that to you, you'd be made up. You wouldn't do it to an ugly woman, would you? If you were disgusted by a woman, like your friend's partner, you wouldn't do it. If a mate of mine,

if I caught a mate of mine sniffing Laura's knickknacks, I'd be like straight to Laura. I'd be like, one. Are you grassing? Yeah, you've got to. Just get it out.

What do you want to happen? No friends no more? I thought it was me. What? If it was you? And I wink at the camera and go, do something, Dan. Each other's side says, and what?

Oh my God. And we've got cameras that record onto a phone. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I get a lot of Instagram likes. That's going to be a fun video to post. Just put it in the group.

If Laura saw it, would you want to know? Or would you rather ignorance is bliss, fingers in the air? Yeah, because it's not you finding it. It's not you finding it, it's the lady. So Laura's got a video of me sniffing her neck. And she's going, don't tell Dan, whatever you do. Yeah, I honestly think you've got to tell. You've got to tell. You've got to tell.

You have to tell. Because this is horrible. All jokes aside, I know it's your mate. Sorry, I know they're mates. But what's he going to do next? He's going to have a wank. Have a wank in the pantry. You can't have this.

This is a red card. This is a red card, is a red card in it no it's not a bad is it i think that's his first foul you know two more yeah any any more than you're getting booked really yeah i think you just speak to him just a quiet way but i can't let the game get out of fucking hand on the first file what would you do if the camera was rolling and he was just wanking in your bed? Is that not as bad? Yeah, that's defo as bad. No, without the knickers. But he opens the drawer and comes in the drawer.

Oh, yeah. No, that's bad. I think you've got to find other people to... If you asked me to check in on your house and you had one of these cameras and I didn't know and the mood just took me

and I just had to wank on your bed. I didn't come on your sheets. I come into a tissue and I just had to wank on your bed. I didn't come on your sheets. I come into a tissue and I put it in the toilet. Would you bare naked ass against my sheets? No. Is it my room?

I'll keep my undies on. Is it my room? I have one wanking in and one in the other. Goldilocks. Just right. Whose room is that? I'm not going to say whose room is next

Kitchen Let's move downstairs Before this takes a different tone So I'm just having a wank in your rooms I haven't come on anything, I haven't actually sullied anything You didn't finish I don't know if that would be more I don't know if you just wanked

No I do come but I come on my own belly and then rub it in and then leave that is polite do you wait for it to dry off

do you mean it's like nature's moisturizer oh yeah it is nature's moisturizer like when in Aldean

you've got sun tan lotion but you wear t-shirts on to go to the shop yeah it's exactly the same yeah like when in Aldi and you've got sun tan lotion but you wear a t-shirt on to go to the shop it's exactly the same yeah I think we'd have a few questions

yeah you can ask questions but would it be also Laurie would be like why did we pick Adam to look after the fish he lives an hour away and he's famously not reliable

like he asked for some reason yeah yeah yeah I didn't question it also what was weird was he found out we were going on holiday and then bought us fish.

Someone's going to have to look after them. Like, here's two goldfish and a shebumpkin. You want to stick them in there? Hey, by the way, you didn't want to feed them when you were away? Get on me. I'll be using two of the bedrooms upstairs, not the other two

oh dear roll the locks I don't know what you're meant to do with that mate I just I just think you need to get this knicker sniffer out of your mate

out of your life I think you need to give him the benefits of the doubt fuck you're very very liberal I just don't I'm very Father O'Leary about that

fucking old knickers. One pair. That would cost four. See, this could be our first case. Got a case to solve. Did he actually sniff the knickers or was it a case of mistaken identity? We're going to have to get to the bottom of this, Leary.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm stoned. I'm going to bluff me, sorry I'm stoned I'm off me barn oh don't tell me you're back on the shake fuck it I'll never never off it erm

ladies and gents that has been a ridiculous episode one poo break oh shit I've got to go to Birmingham oh I do right cool love you appreciate you That has been A ridiculous episode One poo break Oh shit I've got to go to Birmingham Oh I do Right cool

Love you Appreciate you Quick music Quick sorry Quick music Sorry sorry This is a band called Orchards from Brighton

It's a song called Leave Us Here Oh the Orchards The Orchards Are they still in Brighton They've not moved to LA Anyway Enjoy the song

Reading tickets by them We haven't got many left Like five left or something Do you know what If you haven't got your Reading tickets by them we haven't got many left like five left or something do you know what if you haven't got your reading tickets by now just don't fucking bother don't ignore them by them

there's only a couple left you've had enough chance just you don't deserve it fire button we're standing down and collecting so we're wasting time but we're just

being too optimistic to leave us feeling fine We're certainly wasting time But we're just patiently optimistic To leave us unifying Choose me I'm asking for attention At the cost of finding something beneficial You used me To gain some rich affection

But never wanted me anyway I'll be the one in your game I'll be the one to take the blame We're static, cold, and collected You said we're wasting time But we're just patient and optimistic So leave us purified We're static, cold, and collected You said we're wasting time But we're just visual and optimistic

So leave us here to find I want these two I need the superficials Cause I know you better than that But you knew That burdens you a person And I know you better than ever to know The buttons you're pressing and I let you I let you on the run in your game I'm here to take back

The static, all uncollected We've established in time We're standing cold and collected You said we're wasting time But we're just patient and optimistic To leave us here to fly We're standing cold and collected You said we're wasting time But we're just patient and optimistic To leave us through the flood

We're dead We're not in our right We're in our own time We've studied, counted, corrected And we've we're wasting time We're just basically optimistic So leave us, we will find We've studied, counted, collected

And you said we're wasting time We're just basically optimistic So leave us, we will find We're just basically optimistic, seem but so blind