Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #195 with Fin Taylor - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hi, everyone. Hi.

We're now recording. I can't get on the internet. Oh, I'm on the internet. Thank you, Liz Trust. Thanks. Stay to the podcast studio with the worst Wi-Fi in the country. I was about to blame the fucking stories, but then the internet started working, so all is forgiven forgiven i don't think the stories can be blamed for anything carry on i think they're doing as good as they can yeah they've been like today

when are people just gonna lay off them and let them get some stuff done do you know what i mean because if if we just laid off them for a while who knows what they could achieve? All it is is the loony left jumping on their backs every time they make 76 mistakes in a day, and that is not their fault. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

When they're trying to cover up... 77? Now that's too far, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they'd be the first to say it. But if a government can't make 76 brutal mistakes in one day, they've elected a special needs emu as their leader. And now we are all watching them go,

I can't believe it. She's a fucking idiot. Who could have known she's a fucking idiot? You, you pack of twats. You elected her. Yeah. Have you seen she wears a necklace? Have you seen she wears a necklace?

It's a circle. What? You know Liz Trost, the Prime Minister? She's got a circle necklace? Yeah. Do you know what that means? What? It means she's a sub.

It means her husband dominates her. Oh, no. Yeah. And if she goes to gangbang, she's the one that everyone shares. Oh, God. I wonder if that's why she had that bemused look on her face. She's been fucked sideways the other day. Prime Minister, can you answer a question?

Too many dicks. Absolutely too many dicks. Yeah, apparently that means she's a sub. I've seen it on Twitter. So it's true. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she's got a Queen of Spades tattoo as well. She has?

Separate issue. What does that mean? Let's not get into it she likes gambling naked gambling with certain friends is that what a queen of spades means yes what is it okay good i can't explain it fully because it gets dark but you know the bbc yeah yeah you know there's two versions of that you know there's the one On the internet Yeah And then there's the one On the news BBC3

Okay good Don't make me That's back on it's own channel now Alright Nice one Alright cool Alright iPlayer

Tell us what it is Erm She It's just a thing It's a thing Similar to the circle It's a tattoo that some she's got a sexual preference

she's has sexual preference right okay you know some people like a milky coffee you know some people don't some people are lactose intolerant and we're talking about coffee

so good luck Liz Truss fall in a fucking hole you daft bag erm rolling blackout's gonna be fun can't wait for them yeah thank you liz you're just gonna turn all the electricity off because we haven't got any electricity because vladimir putin is a cockwomble right a murdering cockwomble but like how how can they turn my lech off? Excuse me?

They can't go round to every building, can they? What? They can't go round to every building turning the lech off. I think there'll be a switch somewhere. I don't think they have to... Hi, Adam, you all right? Sorry about this, rolling black house, lads. Come on, I know you're in there. I can hear the fucking police station.

What if you get a generator? Cool, generator. You know me granddad used to have one of them yeah he was um an electrician so back in the day right yeah yeah right blackouts used to happen but he didn't trust the electrics i got a fucking generator don't trust the fucking mains no but like back in the day um you might remember like there used to be blackouts quite a lot didn't i yeah do you know what i mean when you're talking about just refresh my aged memory like the 70s and 70s and 80s i don't know but i don't think there were blackouts in the 80s i think it was the 70s there was a three day working week at one point yeah it's very familiar

to what's going on now yeah yeah like things are not working well yeah so there'd be blackouts quite a bit but they weren't like

intentional it wasn't like the government like turned the lechie off it was like something went wrong and like they'd happen for like a night or whatever

and like the whole fucking city would be in darkness yeah and then my grandmother the generator from my ma's house

always had lechie cool Yeah And then My grandad had a generator So my ma's house Always had lucky Cool That's a good That's a Smart innit Smart I mean it's The original smart meter

Aye Nice What was his name your grandad Vinnie Was that the original Vinnie Rowe No Vinnie Oh Oh

Can you copy mum's Can you copy mum's maiden name Off the fucking house Bleep it Yeah so I think With the rolling blackouts It's because they're How do you

Come on What are we There just must be a switch in there Yeah but they can't do that Like what about Me fucking freezer They can't be defrosting me fucking chicken dippers, mate. How much is in your freezer?

There's two bags of ice and two Chicago town pizzas. All of the families that live out of their freezer. And Adam's like, yeah, fuck them. I've got a fucking bag of chicken dippers. It's 38. It's not even one of the small ones. Yeah, I haven't got much in me freezer. But, like, I've got stuff in for emergencies, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Right. I've got two Chicago Town pizzas and some Mike's Ice. Emergency Chicago Town pizzas, what do you mean? Like if... Like if everywhere shuts down again. Oh, if there's another... If there's another lockdown and they shut the shops,

I'll be sound. Until lunch. Also, the worst thing is when you've got two Chicago town pizzas, right, you've got to make them last. And that'll be the only time in your life where you're like, I literally need to eat two Chicago town pizzas immediately. I've got an outback. You just need to eat all the food in your freezer.

Yeah, well, you've got to worry about that. As a single man with expendable income at 30 years old it is scary and it rolling blackouts what will you do yeah so just good luck thank you good luck how do you think it'll affect the pod how do you do you think we'll we'll record in the darkness what with no with no power? Oh, yeah. I'll ring me grandad. That's right, yeah. We'll get a generator. Yeah. Right, okay, cool.

I think it'll be fun. Yeah, but fuel prices are mad as well, innit? God, I fucking hate the Tories. It's weak, innit? It's fine. We just have to record early. I mean, we always do. We're fine.

It's fine. And it might not come to that. Might not come to that. Downloads, though. People can't use the internet and the Alekis to get it downloaded. They'll have to get a generator. Get a generator for your iPhone.

Go to generators.com forward slash Carl10. Yeah. Use 10% off for your generators. I would not be fucking surprised. Oh, well, let's just deal with it. We got through the panty D, didn't we? We all went a little bit insane. I think we're just being tormented from up on high.

And we'll get through it. We'll all get through it. We've got each other. There'll be an election before Christmas, I think. Or it'll be called before Christmas. Why would they call it an election? Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Because they know they're going to lose. Why would the Tories call it an election? Because they're going to have to. On what grounds? Because even Tory backbenchers are now saying there should be a general election. No one voted for this and it's chaos. Yeah.

I actually think the Tories right now, a lot of the more intelligent ones, I think they understand, right? The ones that are buying up generators as we speak. I think they understand that the situation is sort of beyond retrieve and it would be better to put labor in charge of dealing with it and go go and fix it be in opposition keep calling them cunts and then go again at the next

election okay all right cool it's not been done very often that no like governments usually call elections when they think they can win elections yeah but i don't i think there's going to be i think their hand is going to be forced cool well we'll see how that goes that will be a bit of a pig of an election to win poland like between 18 and 22 percent in the polls which is just unheard of and then on top of that she's gonna go this week she's got a party to get to. Yeah. She's going to go this week. So then there'll be another Prime Minister with no mandate that no one's voted for.

Who won't be able to get anything done. There's going to be an election before Christmas. You sounded like you went Wirral there. Yeah, I did, yeah. Right, okay, cool. Well, just from a sort of, i'd like to see it happen but there's also the uh we could cling on try and get back some of those points because tory mps are

worried about losing their seats aren't they so if you go into an election and you're polling at the lowest point ever their big fear is we lose our seats and they will cling to that job yeah but they might do it for the good of the country. Hey! Best joke of the pod! Do you know what's really, really funny? This is our volatile British politics system, innit? We're recording this on Thursday. This goes out to our patrons Saturday and publicly on Monday.

Everything we've just said will be outdated by Monday. She'll already be gone. Maybe. Or she'll have done something mad and she'll now be polling at like 80%. Honestly, I think if she walked into the Houses of Parliament and just did a massive shit on the dispatch box, I wouldn't be surprised at this point.

Oh my God, the Prime Minister. Put your kegs on. She forgot to vote in her own fucking confidence vote yesterday, didn't she? Her own bill. Yeah. Because she's outside pecking at the ground. Oh, who threw Trill down?

Come on. You know you can't throw seed down in front of the Prime Minister. Yeah, this will all be fucking a waste of time come Monday. Do you know what? Twitter was fun this morning. Also, James Corden's getting fucking piled on. Yep. Yes!

We knew it. Yeah! For being a rat to a restaurant in New York, he's the rudest person they've had in 25 years of being open, just being an absolute shit to the staff. Fuck off, Corden. That is a sad, friendly story. He's going to come back here.

That's the only problem. Hang on. Hang on. Let's just Let's deal with the devil's advocate over here Sorry I missed that And in defence Of James Corden

I'm just saying We don't know all the facts No we never know any of the facts Adam That's what we thrive on We thrive on not knowing anything He is I will concede That he is a rude

Fat horrible cunt But We don't know all the facts But We don't know whether the way he says Whispered in his ear listen you fat unfunny twat

listen punch your fucking head in and I've spat in your dinner like if that happened and we don't know that it didn't then fair enough kick off

I would yeah I think do you think James Corden would have instead of apologising profusely and asking if he can be like accepted back

into the restaurant do you think he might have mentioned that in the press to everyone that would listen i think it would depend on his prs tactics would it cool cool cool i just don't know did you see he is a gobshite though you see the best one of him on the airplane did you see what did you see that tweet no so he was on a flight in america somewhere and he was in first class and he had a seat next to him and a lady brought a crying baby sat next to him for the whole flight and he ate it yeah he just he put his mask on and headphones on and just went to sleep at the end of the flight he got up and it was his wife and he just ignored her for the whole flight and left the baby and just ignored it as a dad i wanted you know i want to say respect i want to say

i was like oh everyone's like that's awful in it but he's like you know babe i've got work that's basically what i do every night listen darling i've got a podcast tomorrow now that is that's bad in it that's bad he didn't eat it he didn't eat it didn't eat the baby which may be silly just ignored his wife just ignored his wife transatlantic flight yeah do you think there's any level of success you could get where you'd become that level of cunt i don't think you'd let me i wouldn't let you carl wouldn't let you carl's your best friend but also like what we've got here i don't think call each other out unless we ended the pod and went our way and then

had another hugely successful thing but i just don't know any of the people that i surround myself with would let me what if you were removed from that though what if you get a phone call one day from a hit hollywood agent i don't get i don't get fucking phone calls from slightly special northwest agents go on go on they'll be nice a london agent maybe give us a call no like a hollywood agent's like danny oh danny we got some work for you out stateside you're gonna have to leave the podcast behind but we'll give you a two million signing on fee what are you gonna say beautiful can i just ask what your name is johnny johnny because i know a lot of the hollywood agents, you know. I'm Johnny Hollywood.

Johnny Hollywood. Johnny Hollywood. I mean, that was always going to be your job, wasn't it? Being named Johnny Hollywood. And which part of- It's a family business. What can I say? Are you sure you're not part of the-

You sound mafia affiliated. You're from New York. You're from one of the boroughs, aren't you? What? I'm from Missouri. Respectfully. You really lost your uh missouri twang yeah you know you want to get things done you have to speak a certain way around here okay yeah all right so johnny hollywood um mr hollywood no call me johnny to be fair this is a great time.

We're going to be great friends, you and I. Okay, cool. Can I accept the offer? I'm really excited. Also, this country's got rolling blackouts, so take me over to Hollywood. It sounds fucking great. We're doing a remake of Throw Mama from the Train.

Oh. Well, remake or Throw Mama from the train 2 No we're doing a remake But we're gonna franchise it There's gonna be 8 of these motherfuckers Oh really We want you to play the lead role Right

In 8 Throw mama from the trains Is it gonna be like The Fast and the Furious The first one's gonna be Throw mama from the train The second one's gonna be Throw Nana from the train

Oh Are we changing train or Cause I see You know What about We're still working on 3 to 8 We throw Nana from the train. Oh, are we changing train? Because I see, you know, what about submarine? We're still working on three to eight. Johnny, it's very difficult. Two million, you say, signing on fee?

Two million signing on fee and four million for every film you complete. Oh, nice. All right, cool. That's a little bit of a threat there. A total of 34 million on Alpha. Are you going to come stateside? Great maths. Are you going to come live with us?

Great maths, Mr. Hollywood. Also, Puma are interested in sponsoring you. Oh, that makes sense, doesn't it? Once you get the throw mama off a train franchise, you're obviously going to get sponsored by mid-range Italian sports brand Puma. Puma! Right, cool. So what do they want me to wear?

Trainees or what? They just want to see you In their stuff Instagram The stories Twitter They want you to do A TikTok dance

With a puma With an actual puma With an actual puma But don't worry It's domesticated Oh a domesticated puma That's cool That's cool

So how much am I getting From puma We're still negotiating now you sign with us we take care of you do i get free no one on the puma deal just as a friend a friend friend a friend i take no commission on the puma deal how much commission are you taking on what percentage do you do i give up standard commission is 20 but we can talk about that if that's a sticking point i thought that was going to be a lot higher. No, no, no. I'm a reasonable guy.

Johnny Hollywood, you know, Hollywood by name, Hollywood not by nature. I'm going to look after you. Oh, oh. Have you represented Mike Tyson at any point? Because you are one lisp away from quite the Mike Tyson. Look, Mike's a good friend of mine. We spend a lot of time together. I think you do.

I was his sparring partner for a while. I can tell don't know i once knocked them out oh really yeah yeah yeah so watch your fucking lip danny you know what i'm saying okay well that's our friends but you know i got a fucking line okay cool all right cool that sounds you've really sweetened the deal with the last bit um yeah i'm in i'm in i'm absolutely in How can I resist a real life puma? A free polo shirt and four million a film. Two million signing on for you. Yeah, I'm in. I'd say, yeah.

What was the question? Do you want to come and live in the Hollywood Hills? Yeah, I'm definitely, yeah. It's time, yeah. Okay, right. There's a plane waiting outside for you. Go get it. Oh, nice one.

Liverpool International. Now you're going to be a twat. That's how it one. Liverpool International. Now you're going to be a twat. That's how it works, instantly. Do you think I'd be a twat then? Yeah. If you're dealing with pumas... I might take you out with me, just to really fuck these guys up. Would you come, Finn?

Yeah. If I was like, listen, we're going to go and hang out with the Arctic Monkeys in Hollywood just to piss Carl off. I'd love it. Hey, yo, Danny! It's Johnny again.

Listen. Okay, we got you a full team out here. Don't be bringing that prick Finn with you. Okay? Oh, God, you listen to the pod. I listen to the pod. I'm a big fan. How do you think I fucking heard of you?

You know, I've been watching it since day fucking one. 10-pound Patreon. Yeah. Oh! Danny! It's Johnny again! oh Danny it's Johnny again I think my PayPal changed I can't see any of the fucking content yeah

you're not coming Finn okay Johnny Hollywood fucking hates you I don't know what you've done there Steve will come with you Steve's got to stay with Carl they're married you're not coming Finn okay Johnny Hollywood fucking hates you don't know what you've done there Steve Steve's got to stay with Carl they're married they go on nice holidays together

to Abu Dhabi Abu Dhabi oh yeah they've gone to liberal Muslim land liberal Muslim land yeah they're a bit more chilled

yeah Abu Dhabi's a bit more fucking hey than Dubai I put it this way I wouldn't bum my husband on the beach yeah they're liberal to more chilled. Yeah. Abu Dhabi's a bit more fucking A than Dubai. I'll put it this way. I wouldn't bum my husband on the beach. Yeah, they're liberal to a point. Although you're not really allowed to bum your husband on any beach, are you?

Even in this country. Nudist beach. In Abu Dhabi? No. No. No. You are not, if you're allowed to have sex with, even on nudist beach, are you? I thought nudist beach was just you're allowed to walk around with even on nudist beach are you? I thought nudist beach

was just you're allowed to walk around with your tackle hat I thought nudist beach was just like a gangbang in the sand yeah gangbang in the sand

there's some films about it Liz Truss has been in that film and you can tell because of an haircut. Can I get a ruling on nudist beach? I thought it was just like old people that have... Do you know, I'm so proud of everyone with little dicks that goes on nudist beach.

Like, if you have a weapon, I'd try and turn every beach into a nudist beach. Do you know every nudist I've ever seen that's got a tiny little cock? I've seen weaponies i've some some weaponies sex is not allowed on nude beaches any more than it is allowed on other beaches anything they said here though anything is possible yeah but yeah but that that's true I mean you're not allowed to have sex in Marks and Spencers anything is possible yeah

I mean I don't think Laura would be up for it but if you've had someone that was like yeah let's fuck of all the shops though Marks and Spencers

is a classy one to have sex at it's got you know it's got some of the nicer toilets yeah oh we're just doing it

on the on the floor oh you told me I was in the toilet in the cafe do you know what Marks and Spencers I'm throwing it out there one of the floor oh you told me I was in the cafe in the cafe do you know what Marks and Spencer's I'm throwing it out there

one of the worst shops to fuck your missus in yeah because there's too many old people around there's too many old no I don't think they'd be scared you forget old people

have seen too much if you were fucking in the middle of Marks and Spencer's and an old woman finally she'd be like oh fucking hell put some pants on

yeah but then but then imagine River Island you'd be judgy put some pants on yeah they'd just be like oh Island, you'd be judgy. Put some pants on. Yeah, they'd just be like, oh, Jesus Christ, again. Do you not think they'd be, again? The amount of fucking I'm seeing on the second floor.

Old people are hard to startle, though. I wish the camera was in that angle just to see. You know what I mean? They're looking at his face and he's like, I don't even know what I'm seeing. No, I do. I wish the camera was at that angle just to see him. You know what I mean? They're looking at his face and he's like, I don't even know what I'm saying. No, I do. Old people are hard to stop.

100% they're not. Yes, they are. Because they've seen more than us. No. They've seen war, famine, blackouts. They remember them. I'm telling you. They live through the swinging sixes. You walk around a corner and go,

ah! That's what an old person, That's not the same thing. Oh, I thought you meant start through the swinging sixes. You walk around a corner and go, ah! To an old person. That's not the same thing. Oh, I thought you meant startle. Oh, okay. Startle as in, like, they're not surprised by much, apart from, like,

jumping out and scaring people. Obviously, that scares everyone. But, like, there's not, like, a thing old people can see that they'd be like, ah! Like, more than me or you.

How many old people have you hung out with? Yeah, the amount of old people. Oh, God, what are you doing? Sniffing ketamine off someone's tit. Oh, we did that back in the 50s. But they did, though. They did.

They were all doing fucking coke off each other's nipples. What? What the fuck? What was he having a generator and a fucking coke for? Old Vinnie. No name. No, but the 60s was just drugs and fucking wasn't it

no no someone I love get away not even fucking heightened what a working class Liverpool

oh yeah it was everywhere the old girls just fucking and shagging ketamine off each they hadn't even fucking invented ketamine

but they were doing it no but they were doing coke and puff weren't they where all over the world in San Francisco no not from Preston

what's your picture of the summer of love what do you see when you think of it yeah what are you what are you imagining I thought it was just like a summer

where like they just all over the world people just wore fucking like fluorescent shirts, did a load of fucking weed, like tinted sunglasses and was eating pussy all the time. Yeah. Yeah. In working class, Liverpool, down the docks, in Seaforth, I was just shagging. Fucking hell, we need to unload this massive shit.

Fuck that. I'm shagging fucking hell we need to unload this massive ship fuck that I'm shagging everything wearing luminous clothes neon clothes sorry so what was the summer of love then

I think it was just a load of people in America in certain places in America just smoking weed doing acid listening to

Jimi Hendrix I mean maybe on you know Portobello Road and what not London I thought it was like a worldwide phenomenon.

It was just a blanket rule. Arranged. Just like, right, everyone, it's 1968. Get your knickers off. Fuck something. Yeah, I just thought like oldies were all proper at it in like the 50s and 60s. Well, my granddad was born in 1925.

So that would have made him 40. Is it, what's Summer of Love about? 68. 68, 69. 68, 69, dude. So he was 44. That's why he was in the same time as Calder, 69. Yeah, yeah.

He was... That's when it started. He was invented that year. He was 43, 44 years old, and worked as an oil rep selling oil around the northwest but in the evening but in no soon as he sold that last what yeah i think like you know baby oil baby or lube he's the first gay guy it's a miracle i'm here he's the first gay guy it's a miracle I'm here

summer of love can we can we just pull up summer of love I just feel like Adam Adam's idea

of where especially Liverpool was just a hard fucking working class it was 100,000 people

67 100,000 people in San Francisco yeah that's that was the epicentre yeah but There's 100,000 people. 67? 100,000 people in San Francisco. Yeah, that was the epicenter. Yeah, but Highton was pretty shaggy as well. 1960. All right, cool.

Yeah, I mean... I'm a bit into that, you know. Cut a short off. The 90s was the most similar know cut her shoulder off well the 90s was the most similar wasn't it to the 70s like the late 60s they said like

the 90s was another like booming joke taking and shagging mid 90s when Britpop was going off couldn't finish

my GCSEs for shagging we were all on acid what are you on about no no but it was like pills wasn't it and like

in Manchester it was like the wasn't it and like in Manchester it was like the Hacienda yeah these yeah yeah oh rave culture in the late 80s early 90s

yeah oh yeah yeah yeah but I was at primary school so it's not like the whole of the north west was just like on pills like come on Dan

you've got primary school fuck I haven't slept since Saturday this is what you're imagining isn't it Adam yeah Liverpool that's Sefton Park got primary school. Fuck, I haven't slept since Saturday. This is what you're imagining, isn't it, Adam? Yeah. That's Sefton Park.

That doesn't look dissimilar to Sefton Park on a summer's day now. It doesn't though. That's what it looks like. They've all got that haircut. They've got those sunglasses on.

People have tops off. Instead of a fucking whistle or whatever it is around his neck, it'd be one of those little fucking bags that all the Scallies have now. That is what Sefton Park

looks like. Is that a whistle around his neck? Why are they at a whistle? I don't know if it's a whistle. Maybe he was also a part-time referee. I'd love to go back.

I'd love to go. That's something I'd love to do time travel time travel to go and watch like a Liverpool game on on Anfield back like 50 years ago and they were singing Beatles songs

were they? have you not seen the videos of like the cops singing Beatles songs the standing cop literally just yeah just literally nothing to do with football

can't buy me love I think is the one I've seen but they just sing the whole song word for word it's just like a choir but it's nothing to do with football. Can't Buy Me Love, I think is the one I've seen, but they just sing the whole song word for word. It's just like a choir. But it's nothing to do with, they don't parody it. They're not like,

changing it like they do these days for the football. It's just, they're just singing a Beatles song. When we have a break in a minute. Is that the Shankly era of Liverpool? Beatles is 62 to 66, that era of the Beatles.

So yeah, it was just before, isn't it from the Shankly late 60s early 70s mate I'd love to go and see what football

was like when they were just yeah there's 90,000 people on Deepdale in Preston fucking ridiculous you see

you see you see pictures and it's just it's just lines of kids on the fucking touchline and then just everyone standing

you couldn't move you just had to piss on the on the terrace didn't you they just everyone standing. You couldn't move. You just had to piss on the terrace, didn't you? They just used to leave the kids, didn't they? And then the dads would be up. Kids were down at the bottom, yeah. I love the old photographs on Melwood where there's literally kids sat on the wall all around the training ground

watching Shankly coach the Liverpool team. There's kids just sat on the wall just watching training. Shankly played for Preston, didn't we've got they've they've got a Shankly stand when I went around to my granddad's uh about six months ago he's he's so like I think I mentioned this on the pod but his memory's so bad but I was asking about uh football and whatnot and he remembers listening to the 1938 Cup final when he was like 12, 13 years old. Is that the Stanley Matthews one?

No, Stanley Matthews played for Blackpool. We had Tom Finney, but Shankly played in that 1938 team as a defender and then went on to be the Liverpool legend manager. I love that fucking, I love that era of like, don't know i just find it fascinating that deep dale now there's only like 12 13 000 people go and watch football football's massively popular in it football's so much more popular than any other sport in this country but back in

1938 there was 60 000000 people on Deepdale like it's just mental no coverage, you had to go and watch it otherwise you just didn't see it, I love all that stuff I don't know why I find it so fascinating because it's romantic innit? yeah it romanticises

a sport you love that is sort of, like we've never I've never really, I've never known football without TV football at all. Like, not when you were a proper young kid, because you're 10 years older than me, essentially. Yeah. Like, there was very minimal TV when you were like a...

We didn't have Sky. I never had Sky in my house. Like, Premier League, we never, that's why football, it's how genuine. But for the first 10 years of your life, there was no Sky? So I got into football in and around the 1990 World Cup. And that's why World Cups were so much bigger

than everything because it was, you had to be able to watch it on the BBC and whatnot. So everyone got to watch those. Also England were good, but the 1990 World Cup will be, for anyone my age, particularly legendary. it on the BBC and whatnot. So everyone got to watch those. Also England were good, but the 1990 World Cup will be for anyone my age, particularly legendary. Then the Premier League comes in and it changes everything. I mean, everyone was football mad, but Sky completely changed the coverage of it. But I never benefited from that because we never had Sky. I remember

my mates who had Sky got to watch the simpsons so fucking jealous because the simpsons was only on sky one i think it was 6 p.m on a sunday so jealous they got new episodes of that um but yeah to completely change it but it's still the country was still absolutely obsessed with football on it i just um sometimes when you think about history you think about kings and queens and like that's what people think about with history

they think about architecture and what not but the history of sport that would be so fucking cool to stand

being on North End one of my memories of being on North End because my dad did take us to football I've said I went to Anfield a few times I think it would have

been in about 93 91 92 Preston North End uh won their playoff semi you know there was the playoff semis your second leg was at home and then you went to Wembley for the playoff final I would have guessed it would be division three going into division two in and around there I think. And Tony Ellis was the striker who was really good. And it was the last day that North End were going to have an artificial pitch because North End had a, not an AstroTurf pitch, but like, like not three, no AstroTurf.

Yeah, it would have just been AstroTurf. So there was just a rumor going around that everyone was after the game going to go on and get a bit of the pitch. It was just this known thing. And the game was mad. Preston won it, I think, 3-2. It was a great atmosphere. We were in the town end, which was standing.

Back in 92, 93, it was still standing. And at the final whistle they'd won and i remember just being pushed forward by all of the lads behind me just rushing and i remember a great little dad memory i remember just feeling my feet just go light because my dad went fuck off and just pulled me out and just carried me out as the whole town and just attack the pitch so the whole stand just went like that and if i don't know if my dad realized what was about to happen but he obviously saw what was going to happen and just as i was about to get fucking trampled just lifted me out and i just remember we were in the car park a few minutes later it's

a good job that's a happy happy memory because that could have been fucking bad. Yeah, totally. And that is like totally the dad instinct. I mean, I give my dad a hard time now, but like when you're a, he must have been about my age now and he's just gone, oh, danger, and then just lifted me out of it. And yeah, all of everyone that was on the North End, on Deepdale that night,

just went and ripped up a bit of the fucking horrible green carpet. Yeah. Football's not what it was then at all. We were there last night. We were in Swatch Liverpool West Ham last night. And we were on the very back row of the upper main stand. We might as well be on the fucking roof.

I get the good tickets. Did you sort the tickets? Yeah. Why? Why is it like this? All right, we're both going. Your turn to sort the tickets. No, he got them in the ballot.

Oh, nice. I didn't even have to try for West Ham. He was like, months ago he went, so I've got your West Ham ticket. All right, sorry. But like last night, every now and then, the cop had started a song and occasionally a few people around us would join in.

And at times I was screaming, looking at everyone like, just fucking please make some noise. And then Joe Gomez filed Bowen for West Ham. And it was so obvious it was going to be a penalty, but it had to go to VAR to be given. And there was a fucking guy on the row in front of us filming the referee going to the VAR booth.

Like, I hate people getting their cameras out to film penalties or free kicks or corners or anything like that. He got his phone out and he's literally filming the referee following the ref to the VAR booth and then back. And I was literally going, why are you filming that?

Who are you going to show this to? I couldn't fucking... Honestly. Who's that for? Who is that for? Do you think he's British? Do you think he's a tourist? His very Chinese face suggests otherwise.

And you're done, pal. Right, I need a break What's happening ladies and gentlemen It's Halloween season I'm doing the scary bit Michael Myers sure is scary But the last thing you need is to be hairy This Halloween

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Dan, I want to know if our listeners have got any queries. Queries. Queries. Yeah, we have some queries send your queries into into

into into into into into into into into

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of Dafties. Daniel Dealey says, hey lads. So I was listening to Rogan's podcast and he mentions how he used to watch specials in the cinema and how it's the next

best thing to actually go into a club. Made me wonder if either of you guys would ever do that. Especially with Adam's due to come out soon. A premiere in like

Fact or something will be sick. What's Fact? It's an independent cinema. In Liverpool. In Tate, Liverpool. Just off Baldrige. Maybe like a Q&A set up afterwards. Then Bevy's in Pog's an independent cinema. In Liverpool. In Liverpool. Just off Bolshevik. Maybe like a Q&A set up afterwards,

then bevvies in pokes. Nice one. Love the pod. Danny Jess. I really like the idea. I do as well. But not for lids. It's for friends and fams.

No, I don't think that's necessarily true. I think's a really good idea i just i've just got a feeling i don't know i imagine it not selling i mean it would wouldn't it yeah i don't know i don't know it does it feels a bit yeah now i'm putting myself in it because we're recording my tour at the end of the thing and that's going out in January and I'm trying to imagine how I would feel watching my own stand up with a 150 people watching it I don't know if maybe I kind of want to do that because I've never ever been able to do it it's the only time I've ever been. Yeah. But I could see the potential for like,

if they weren't going for it. But it's interesting. Will just came on and you were all talking about that. Yeah. Maybe this is something worth looking into. I don't know. I don't necessarily feel excited about it. It's made me feel a bit anxious,

but maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. Yeah. So I want mine to go out in January when everyone's just kicking about doing nothing just realistically mine's going to be december now all right cool both on youtube or anything else i can't say that yet oh exciting itv are this close i commission commissioning. ITV 2? Broadchurch 4. Good. Once, listen, once I get Johnny Hollywood on it,

I reckon I'm going to make some. Hey, Danny, we got an inquiry here. You know this special you're filming in a church? ITV 4 won it. They want to put it out Sunday at 3 p.m. After 4. Sorry, Johnny. Who won it?

ITV 4. ITV 4. They want to put it on Between Midsommar Murders And Agatha Christie's Poirot Agatha Christie Are you tired Johnny? Why are you saying this? I'm saying yeah

They're offering you A three special deal Really? Yeah All after Poirot though No before Poirot Listen carefully Danny Don't make me fucking

repeat myself you know what i get like when i haven't had my yum yums is that your cocaine no it's a fucking sweet breakfast you fucking punk um is puero still on oh lord my mom watches the same puot five times a week or something stupid. Every time I go into the front room, it's on. Poirot's on. But she's got good taste. Yeah. She likes comedy.

Yeah, but she just loves watching Poirot, even if she's already seen it. And is surprised every time by who's done it. No way. Yeah. She's already seen it. Being stoned and watching, I mean, I'm not a big one for weed, but I can see the appeal of being stoned. I've never watched a murder mystery stoned i think you get right into it quantum leap i think

stoned would be a lot of fun do you remember quantum leap you don't do you no no do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do i like the guy that got thrillers on smack he got put into thrillers on smack. Michael Jackson's thriller on smack. No. Oh, just the genre of thrillers. The genre of thrillers. Yeah. Watch a thriller.

Right. Yeah. I like to watch CBeebies coked up. It's really good. There's definitely... Hello, hello. How are you? Hello, hello.

It's good to see you. The presenters on CBeebies are absolutely coked off their heads. They'd have to be. To be that happy. CBeebies presenters love the shite. There's one with one arm. Oh no, she's not doing it anymore. She just had one arm.

I've seen her. She was born without one arm there was complaints like they had crystal on it they had chris yeah is the guy with black hair yeah very smiley oh no that's andy who does andy's um adventures i've watched so much cbb's i have kids by the way if this is the first time you're watching it going that old cunt shouldn't be watching CBeebies. You can watch whatever you want, mate. No.

I'm not judging you for that. Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. If you're watching Andy's Dinosaur Adventure without kids, is that not instant register? No. Have you ever been offered kids TV?

Yeah. Which one? Do you remember it? I got offered an audition to replace... Pat Sharp. There was a show on CBBC, not CBBs. Slightly older audience. I got offered an audition to replace the host on one of them.

And I was like, I don't know whether I want to take my career in that direction. Yeah, but what's our man called oh fuck it Ian Stirling Ian Stirling's done well off it yeah but that was that was the start

I watched CBBC when Ian Stirling was on it but he was my era of CBBC I remember when he's that would make him feel ancient if he'd come in here yeah I'd say it

him and Hacker we need to Ian Stirling was meant to be on and he couldn't do it could he like was he do you have to cancel he had to go to Lavelland a week early

right Ian Sterling is super sound I'm looking forward to having him on he's going to be great but I remember when he came and did

Open Spot to the Frog and he was like everyone's like oh yeah he's a CBeebies presenter he was a decent comic yeah you're like

who'd want to do that and he's like you know paid half a house off in Didsbury yeah yeah but he also had ideals on doing presenting

as well by the way just a little side note here I have been encouraged to apply for the next series of Love Island to be a contestant right

I think they've got a more body diverse right so it's just you and Lizzo what what would you mean though

you're sort of famous they don't no there's people who go into Love Island who've got more followers than me it's just you and Lizzo. What? What would you mean though? You're sort of famous, they don't... No. There's people who go into Love Island who've got more followers than me. Really?

Yeah, but they're not like, they're not telly, are they? They're all influencers. I've been asked to apply. Please do it. Oh my God.

No. Don't. It's partly why I've been taking the fitness thing a bit more yeah yeah yeah yeah you want to smash some puss on itv i don't know whether i'd shag on the telly i'd finger bank but do bits yeah would you do bits but like i serious question my mate matthew we hung out in birmingham we We came up to Brum to watch the tour show. And a friend of ours is in the running for I'm a Celebrity. I'm just saying this loosely so that we don't, I don't know if it's public knowledge.

We've already said it, haven't we? Have we said it? Sean, yeah. It's in the papers. Cool, great. I just did that thing because sometimes I'm really bad at putting my foot in it with that. Sean Walsh is going on I'm a celebrity he's going into the jungle and adam was like would you uh matt was like would you do that and i categorically would never do that and then he was like and then he was like and then he was like would adam do that i think

i was like i honestly believe that at some point in the next 10 years adam will do it i would do it i didn't used to think i would but i would i got asked a couple of years ago whether i'd be into it and i said no because i think i'd come across as too much of a cunt you know what it is though genuinely i like i think you can't, the reason reality TV works is you can't hide who you actually are for that long. Right? Yeah. So you always come across as whatever you actually are.

And I think generally, like without patting myself on the back too much, I'm really sound and I'm a team player, but I am a leader and I'm not necessarily a gracious leader. So if people aren't pulling their weight in terms of like those challenges if someone come back i was like i got two stars i'd be like you're the stupid fat cunt i wouldn't be i wouldn't be able to control myself i'd be like get back

and eat the squirrels dick now i'm not asked i'm not asked you don't like it i didn't like eating the fucking gorillas for more yesterday but i did it i'm not having you don't like it. I didn't like eating the fucking gorilla's bumhole yesterday, but I did it. I'm not having beans on beans in me fucking scone again. Go back now, Sheila. Sheila Ferguson. Sheila Ferguson. Can I ask about that? Just before we, because it's an interesting point.

Before we talk about that, was the gorilla's bumhole attached to a gorilla? Did you have to rim a gorilla as part of that challenge? No, no, no. You had to eat a gorilla's bumhole on like a nan. Yeah. Nice. Sounds good. Protein. Yeah. as part of that challenge no no no is it you had to eat on a on like a nan yeah nice sounds good protein yeah um i think you've got a temper and it flashes and then it goes yeah um i wasn't used to that a couple of years ago now i'm used to it and it's fine because you don't hold it against

anyone but when you flash and i think if you were under stra strain and you were hungry because someone had fucked up I don't think a lot of other celebrities talk how you talk how you talk to Carl it's quite straight down the line like I've 20 years in comedy and I've worked with some backstabbing

bitching cunts who are horrible to be around that's never your vibe but you go and i think uh for a lot of people they were like i like to watch i'm a celebrity oh he's a liverpool comedian and apparently he's got a podcast on the internet and we watch every night why is he shouting like i think it old She-Man. I think it's possible. It's totally possible for it to be edited in a way where it's endearing, where people would be on my side.

But I think it's also possible for it to be edited to make me look like the biggest arsehole on the planet. Because I don't think I lose me rag unnecessarily. And maybe I'm being very self-serve and biased there. But I only lose me rag when i can't understand why someone can't understand my point oh no i believe that when this by the way i'm not this has happened a couple of times like this is you don't you're not two times i can think of in yeah you're not but you do get annoyed yeah like you

have a very strong opinion on how things should be done and I think that in the jungle is a is a bit brutal yeah

I'd if they come back and they hadn't put their all into a challenge and they had like two stars I'd be absolutely fuming and I wouldn't be able to either

I genuinely I'd be like I'm telling you you would make some of the best telly for them the first weekend the producer would be like um'm telling you you would make some of the best telly for them the first weekend the producer would be like

um it's going to be tasty I'd literally be like right so you got two stars right well I'll do the challenge tomorrow like I'll literally

look down one of the cameras and go vote me to do the challenge tomorrow I'd do it I'd get ten stars I'd be like you're having none of it

you're having none of the good dinner you're getting what we had yesterday because you failed. Starve Sheila. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I honestly think if they get a clip of this, you might be in next year's Celebrity. They'd be like, oh my God, he's going to be. Honestly,

like I would, I wouldn't be able to handle people not doing the challenges and being, me being starving. I couldn't, like I'd be fuming with people not doing the challenges and me being starving. I couldn't. Like, I'd be fuming with people. I'd be a proper team guy and be like,

look, we've all got to get each other through this. But as soon as one person, be like, you're on your own, fuck off. You know, some Berlin celebrity starts crying because you've been like that. They are going to make a lot of fun out of painting you in the wrong light. I mean, not even in the wrong light i mean not even in the wrong light but tv producers are murder for that yeah they're like they want it to be horrific don't they they know what they're looking for i think it's dangerous matt was like if adam was in

the jungle would you then go on what's the extra one i'm sorry get me out of here now now he was like would you go on there like i was like no i wouldn't even go on that i want no cunt that watches that tv show to even know who i am but i would love you to go on because obviously we want different things from our careers but just in terms of the story when you got back i would actually watch it i'd watch it as well all of us would watch it wouldn't we yeah it would be i'm gonna watch it if Sean goes in. The spike in Liverpool audience would be amazing. Are you going to watch it? I'm so worried about Sean.

I'm so worried. But he's so sound. He is. That is what it is, isn't it? Hopefully. Do you know what's going to endear Sean to the public?

So I was talking to Jimmy McGee about this when it broke that Sean was going in. Jimmy's mates with Sean as well. And Jimmy was like, he's gonna come across he's gonna be made to do every challenge because he is gonna so genuinely hate

being there that it might endear him to the public because he hasn't got what i've got in me which is like oh fuck off he hasn't got that no his head will go he's got on fuck's sake his head all right i've seen him look like he's about to have a mental breakdown on like day four of the edinburgh festival yeah i that's my worry with like sean is a great guy sean walsh is a great guy and he got absolutely polaxed by that fucking story and it really badly affected his mental health if you've not seen it on youtube he will he will admit he fucked up and And, you know, you always deserve a bit of blowback when you fuck up. And he will be the first to tell you that.

But, you know, the treatment in the fucking tabloids and the fucking newspaper that I'm not going to fucking give any... Yeah, when you're on the front page of the rag, they're not really interested in your side of the story. You're just... You're serving a purpose as as the the

you're like the bogeyman for the for the week or whatever just hope that i just uh just don't know i'd be very wary of of going back into the mainstream like i think he wants it i think he wants a shot at redemption from me but yeah in answer to your question i would do i'm a celebrity and i would take the gamble but uh genuinely and i wasn't doing a bit i have been encouraged and asked to apply for the next oh my god right right i just don't even know what to say you wouldn't do it though would you? Adam. You wouldn't do it. Why?

He'd be the best and most interesting Love Island contestant of all time by so far. I know but he's going to make me watch Love Island. Imagine him being just placed into it. It's just alien. I'm just going to spread rumours the whole time if I go in. I'm going to break up every couple.

I'm going in with absolutely no intention of finding love. You can't do that though because they'll tell everyone that you did it. You don't mean that, do you?

No. No. Yeah, just like put doubts in everyone's mind. I want to see it. I cannot go on any of these TV shows

because I would just live in fear of like the when they've got footage of me scratching my arsehole it would just be on day one see i don't there's down in the corner because there's already footage of that on the internet to me because i've done it on this a thousand times oh my god i think you'd suit strictly I think you'd suit Strictly. I think you'd be great on Strictly. Fuck you and your Poirot-watching mum. Did that hurt? Yeah. I'm busy. I don't want a hurty laugh.

What are you talking about, Strictly? I think you'd be endearing to the general public. And you can move. I've seen you have a good old dance Finn I know you're trying to be nice And you can move still With your hips you old cunt

Strictly No I can see you on ready steady cook Ready steady cook Totally Nine beige things what can you make beige warm beige bake off celebrity bake off you'd be great on that all comedians would be great on that saw a cast on that a cast and nailed it yeah because just if you can't bake then go for it just lean into the that is an abomination half of his last

special is all about bake-off and how he was a jet lagged on a come down like not he's super day cast it you haven't seen that special oh yeah oh completely subverts everything he's done before so good yeah he's self i love a caster um you should absolutely watch that actually um any other stand-up i should be watching um i haven't watched like an idiot i haven't watched bill burr at red rocks i'm i've i said to adam last night i've got a plan for this weekend is to watch the new shane gillis special thing the gillian keys and keeves yes that's my plan for this weekend do you know what i've got tomorrow night off i'm in leeds tonight doing the tour second soul that night um and tomorrow night i might watch gillian keeves in the in the garden

office it's fucking great like the hitler trump hitler sketch that you showed us. Oh, my God. And the Vietnam veteran cooking show. Oh, my God. Iraq veteran. Oh, it's so fucking good. Early next year, I'm going to start doing some of those sketches. Not those sketches, but I'm going to start doing sketches with the cameras we've got and with William. Got some ideas.

What's Whistle for it doing? What's the, what's the pod, what's the... Me and Carla are going to have a little meeting about that next week. Nice. Start very soon

to come inside with the World Cup. Old Johnny Projects. Can we just do a quick, can we just do a... Can we diversify just like Love Island with their contestants? Can you just do a quick

recommendations for stand-up to watch? James Acaster's Cold Lasagna Hate Myself 1999. Is that on Netflix? No, it's on Vimeo. Oh, Vimeo?

You can buy it. Okay, cool. Gillian Keeves' special, gilliankeeves.tv, I think it is. Schultz special still available? Schultz is on YouTube now nice

available for free need to watch that I've got a lot of stand up to catch up on Bill Baird at Red Rocks is good is he on form? it's like Bill Baird

has reached his final form it's literally like he's going the people who ever get annoyed with what I say I'm gonna just really

fuck them off yeah and some of the stuff is just so so good I haven't watched loads lately either to be honest with you there's a few that have

been on the couch that have released recently Martin Elson's got a new special that hasn't he I've not seen that yet yes today's guest Finn Taylor's special

which we've promoted before is up there and please keep going and watching Alfie's special Alfie Brown live in Liverpool which we made for him and it's

it's really quite fucking excellent in every way because it's really well produced and also Alfie's on absolute fire and he does a club set

rather than more of his his narrative cerebral stuff that he does in his hour-long shows it's you know it's more clubby stuff and it's alfie's also showing it's raw as well the entire industry i can do it there's a rawness to it tell it was it's not he's in that he's in the moment performing that stuff yeah he was so nervous before and he made me think is he going to nail this because he was like it was in his notes mate I could do

you could hang me from the fucking ceiling I could do the show, my show now I've done it so many times he was developing those bits in those last few days wasn't he and you can sense it on stage when you watch it, it's also brilliantly filmed but he's living it as It's also brilliantly filmed,

but he's living it as it's happening. It's great. Just one more stand-up question. Michael McBride says, Wag Wag Lids, I recently watched the Andrew Schultz special and he got Bruce Buffer to do the whole it's time thing as he went on stage. And I was thinking, if you could get anybody to introduce you

as you walk on stage for a special, who would you get? Keep up the good work lads best podcast in the world I think it's hard to look past Joe Pasquale It's time Ladies and gents it's Adam Rowe

Who? Adam Rowe That's the fella from Some Mothers Do haven't we? Oh Can anyone do Joe Pasquale? I thought that was Joe Pasquale

I think I did Pingu Wow What? I can't do Joe Pasquale I thought it was just Squeaky Cockney You alright? That's my Joe Pasquale Is it? Very similar to my Mike Tyson Kiki Cockney. You alright? It's my Joe Pasquale.

Is it? Fairly similar to my Mike Tyson. You're a real piece of shit, do you know that? He pulled the head off my pigeon. I beat him to death. Yeah, I'm the heavyweight champion of the world. Mike Tyson. Yeah, Joe Pasquale is a good shout out Joe Pasquale

What's the X Factor guy called? Peter Dixon I did not expect you to know that but yeah Good pub quiz answer that Yeah Why guys I'm just a man Ian Stirling

Don't Nice It's as bad as my Joe Pasquale No it's fucking That was perfect Ladies and gentlemen, the Nightingale. It's as bad as my Joe Pasquale. No, it's fucking, that was perfect. That was a louder version of your Ian Stirling. Let's try the fucking villa. Yeah.

Hello. You all right? You're Joe Pasquale. Daniel has been his Pasquale. Yeah. Oh, love. Daniel has been his past far away yeah oh love who would I

have introduced me Bren Reilly was my first ever compere my first ever gig

he'd be available we could do a full circle thing and get Bren Reilly on could

yeah happy to eat sausage and just get me on yeah that'd be nice nice little bit of Nate Bargatze

he's got his daughter his daughter well Etta does the patroning shows Etta does the patroning shows everyone whinges about the new one yeah

people grow okay also it was bugging me that she was calling the patron exclusive the patron special because it was from

two years ago the af oh the african voiceover lady oh the african voiceover lady is this the edge don't do it it's offensive no can't do her voice whatever you want to do right now you're going to email her and give her some money and she has to do it. All right. Cannot do it. Welcome on stage. Welcome on stage. One of the best comedians. Gav Webster. From Preston.

Top five. Right up there with Phil Ellis and Freddie Quinn. Gone fucking mental. I'm from Zimbabwe. Gone Gone fucking mental. I'm from Zimbabwe. Gone absolutely fucking mental. It's donating, Gil. Don't get him to do impressions because he's fucking shite.

Yeah, I'd like the... I'd love that. We should think about that for the Have a Word Arena show. Do you do your own one? She wanted a lot more money just to record her voice at her house last time. The African voiceover lady, smart cookie, initially cost me £10 to get her to do the first one.

She was happy to help. I paid a fiver extra as a tip, and then she also gave me 24-hour delivery. That was in December 2019. She obviously has access to youtube because last time she asked for 300 quid she's like i'm not fucking stupidly i'm fucking african how how we how we if i'm not doing voiceovers for life and you're making a pretty penny off my foot in dulcet tones.

Your Geordie is absolutely insane. It's the waist. When you do your Geordie, this is audio listeners, you miss out on this. It like explodes out of his face. Adam has to like literally arch back. I'm doing Geordie. I'm a little jordy muppet late fucking dafty absolutely belt and rate let's call a break let's have a little fucking scrum i'm gonna have our fucking lunch now we're gonna have loads of dinner

loads of dinner i'm having a mixed grill and a garlic naan. All right. See you later. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? We are two weeks in to our fitness challenge sponsored by Whoop. If you don't know what Whoop is, Whoop is a band. It measures your fitness. It measures your recovery,

your sleep. And Whoop doesn't just tell you what you've done. It tells you what you've got to do. So if you're not working out enough, if you're sleeping badly, if you're sleeping at the wrong times, Whoop will tell you what you're doing right

and what you're doing wrong, what you need to improve on and the stuff you're not doing that you need to do. It's completely personalised. It drives personal change. I'm loving it. Mine's on charge at the minute.

That's why mine looks a little bit chunkier than Dan's. Tells you when to go to sleep. Helps you with your recovery. completely personalized it drives personal change i'm loving it mine's on charge the minute that's why mine looks a little bit chunky when to go to sleep helps you with your recovery something i've not known about is when you're in the in a in the peak zone to actually do fitness and stuff it's telling you because of recovery mate you're good to go today you've slept properly you're ready to exercise it's been great there's over 70 people now in our have a word community uh you get the app on your phone it tells you everything you'd also if you're in a certain community like i'm in the one with me personal trainer i'm also in the have a word one you can chat with people in your group you can see how you're doing compared to everyone else

you're competing with i haven't been doing very good this week because live bill beat man city and i went on the aisle and whoop told me off uh yeah so dan tell everyone how they can get involved if they want to get involved with the whoop fitness challenge and you don't just have to join and compete with us honestly i will be keeping this long after this eight week fitness challenge is over if you're interested in joining us uh unlocking the best version of ourselves go to join.whoop.com slash have a word to get started once you're up and running on whoop you can join the team via whoop by the whoop app by inputting the following code c-o-m-m-h-v-a-w-r-d that'll be on screen right now if you check out using that link you'll also get a free month's Whoop membership

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That's how you get it. It's very important that you go via the link. We appreciate it. It's going to be roast and bull, you know. Carl's beating me at the minute

but the comeback's going to be spectacular. I feel good. Look at you. I haven't been eating. I've just been on a diet of Guinness and vibes. And a whoop.

Finn, have you got any connections to the current Prime Minister? And when we say current, that's in At the time of recording Well, hello

Finn Taylor's here! He was like, I've got a connection to Liz Truss I know you do this for a couple of years There probably was a smoother way of doing it No, you don't need to be smooth in the podcasting game Just fucking hammer straight through. Do you know what I mean? People don't like subtlety.

It makes them work too hard for their laughs. That's probably true. Right. Well, Liz Truss, who is at the time of recording still in power. Just about. Just about. In power is the wrong word.

She's the prime minister. She's around. By the skin of her beak. So basically, beak. She does, do you know who she reminds me of? You know when you go in a pet shop

and there's always that parrot that's been shaved because it's been like abused and shaved. Do you know what? Do you know what? Always. Always.

There's always one. Pets at home. There's always one. Every pet shop. It's got a duvet over the cage and you lift it up and it's like, ah! You know what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it says things, it says human things, but they're dead sound like, end it! End it! You say that, I go into the local pet shop because my daughter likes to look at the fish. Right. She's a baby, she's not, well, she might be slow, we don't know yet.

It's too early to tell what her mental faculties are but for a baby she's the licking of the tank is a worry isn't it yeah yeah yeah the inside of it as well that's algae babe bobbing for apples is a different thing she's eating fish but no we go in there and then there's this one parrot this beautiful you know thick green plume and hello and she's like ah and then there's this duvet over the cage you sort of i think maybe the parrot's sleeping you lift it up and you i'll be good i'll be good what's that been through jesus christ anyway that reminds me of Liz Truss. That's what she looks like. Just as the cover comes off the cage. No, so I, well, I just have this, I realised on the train up here that I have this sort of connection to her

that I might as well say now because I haven't, it's going to be irrelevant. You've not fucked Liz Truss? No, yet. What's your heritage? So, because I went i went to um private school but only because my mum ran the boarding house so i got in for free which means i have all of the baggage but none of the money um so hang on what your mom your mom she ran a boarding house for girls and so we lived in a

flat my mom was a teacher there we lived in like a flat in the girls boarding house and at that time in the 90s teachers kids got in for basically free so you went to an all-girls school no it was a mixed mixed school right okay very forward thinking it was just a girl i've been identifying as a girl since i was seven sorry you grew up in a girls boarding house the first five years yeah Yeah, age seven to 12, I lived in a girl's boarding house. What happened at 13? Were they like, this kid's a shaggy? It was a real Hulk moment where just the sort of, and they were like, out, we're done.

It was in the contract actually. First wet dream and you have to move out. He's in the shed. Yeah. Where's Finn? Like a hunchback. We're not sure. Chained.

Anyway, so I go to school. I went to school with a lot of people who are now in these kind of circles. Anyway, there's this kid, I think it was history class. I don't know when. For some reason, I think it was

like after 9-11, but before Iraq. On a sweet spot. For me, that's like in between Christmas and New Year. Yeah, that's the... That's the geopolitical gooch. Yeah, yeah. No one knew what day it was for that entire time.

What do you do with that time? You can't go away. All you can do in that time is watch shrek and have turkey butties and wait for blair to give the uh go ahead anyway i think maybe i was 11 or 12 anyway we're in history class and then this this kind of sort of deep kind of fecal smell starts circulating the like a thick like a farm or you know china sound the um not not not fecal means poo sorry not to say china's chinese food i mean you know it's thick it hangs in the air that's what i mean anyway it's a really rich smell of shit and um chinese farms do you know like agriculture

or chinatown you know but you know in chinatown it's like the air is kind of greasy yeah that's what i don't mean chinese food smells of shit i mean that they're kind of yeah sorry sorry it doesn't matter the point was the room smell of shit there's a fog um and uh the history teacher was like uh is anyone is everyone all right and this guy was like i think i've had a bit of an accident and he was like yeah yeah yeah so go and sort yourself out and by the way i shouldn't have had to ask. If you've had an accident, you should have put your hand up first. Who's shitting himself and going, do you know what? If anyone asks, I'm not going to lie.

Adam, private school. In private school, we are so entitled that you go, I'm just going to wait for people to smell the shit before they own up to what I've done. Anyway, so he puts his hand up and goes, I think this is me. He goes, right,'ve got to clean yourself up

and then the lesson carries on he's talking about War of the Roses or whatever and then after about five minutes he's like no sorry it smells too bad we've got to leave

so he took the class to the library and we like he was just like read a book I can't deal with that smell and then about someone had left a note

on the whiteboard saying we're in the library and so there was a kid that did this he came back to the library and the teacher went up to the door went hey whoa whoa hey what are you what are you doing here he's like i've sought myself anyway no no you i think you should go home it's still it's still too bad anyway that kid uh who shot himself so badly that we had to leave it he's now the chief speech writer for liz trust and my mom my mom who was a teacher in the school when

you cannot tell that story publicly but i think fuck him my mortgage is going to go through the roof so as a metaphor for what cunts like him have done to the country and let's just remember that next time there's a general election remember we should be my history teacher who saw the person who'd shat himself kind of went no no you you stay at home that's what i think we should do as a country yeah clean yourself up wasn't you know a few towels from the bathroom and then on your comeback it was have some dignity and go yeah he wrote such famous lines as i don't know erm and uh all from his pen he obviously fit the Tory party though he just

he'd shat his pants and was gonna let everyone else work it out he wasn't just gonna put his hand up and go hang on I've got something to tell you

just ride this one out I may have shat myself ride this one out Tristan is there any other notable alumni from your school days then? Emma Watson. Yeah. Pulled her hair in year three.

She didn't invite me to her party. Now where is she? Emma Watson's Harry Potter. Hermione. Yeah. Well, actually nowadays, who knows? Anyone's Harry Potter nowadays. And JK Rowling would hate that, wouldn't she?

She'd really hate that. If Emma Watson was like, I fucking am Harry. Bad tips goes to mining. We've got loads from our school. We've done this before. We looked at the alumni from Dan's school and there's one guy who was a Navy ship captain

who was involved in two ship sinkings. During wartime or just fishing? And Stephen Borthwick, who used to play for England in rugby. We had loads at our school. Did Borthwick win the World Cup in 2003? Was he on the sub-3? No, I think he was captain

in that era afterwards when it all went not as good. The bit between 9-11 and Iraq. And ourill was just like a behemoth of sport and prowess and murderers yeah

right okay well there's been so there's been five convicted murderers from my year fucking hell but then also you know

Steven Gerrard David Nugent David Price who's David Price he was a boxer for a while. Right. Did all right. Very large man.

Olympic silver medalist. Then he got done for murdering. Beat someone to a pole. Paddy the Baddie Pimblet. Yes. Our school. Me, you know, I was quite the lacrosse player in me time. Really?

Me. Guess who went to my school? Me. This is the big one, Finn. This gonna blow you away me yeah yeah yeah quite a few um there was a couple of others as well what was your what just i'm fascinated by like fee paying schools especially london based i imagine no oxford of course yeah much cheaper yeah uh how much how much a term are we looking at currently i honestly don't know what you're guessing that it's a five or six grand a term uh probably maybe more i don't know i think i mean it was like it was basically a feeder school to like eating and stuff right i wouldn't be surprised if it's like

10 or 20 grand a year but i've got no idea because obviously me and my sister we didn't not of those types we just lived there did you ever feel shunned by the rich kids yeah all the time that's why i'm a comedian it is the exact psychological reason as to why i'm desperate for attention now it happened to me at uni at uni with there was because newcastle got the dregs of the fee paying schools that weren't they weren't bright enough to get into

London School of Economics Bristol or Cambridge or Oxford Newcastle had the oh yeah they've had £20,000 a year educations

but they're not the smartest really is Newcastle uni good yeah Newcastle's got a lot of RAS they used to get called it was just yeah

the RAS yeah the yeah yeah they had a yeah the the yeah yeah quite different weirdly oxford university produces prime ministers and ira leaders it's a very weird it's phenomenal place tense place one of them was like oh yeah um my father came to visit me and uh didn't think much of the digs so he's bought a house in jasmine jesus christ so that was his dad came up to visit him first term of uni went what the fuck is this this student accommodation he was like yes and just bought him a three-bedroomed

terrace in jasmine which is the middle class bit you're like well, I'll stay in the shitty accommodation then. Like, that's the level of, you just saw a, they weren't shunned, but they were like, they were just a gilet in a different type of person. Yeah. They weren't unfriendly particularly, but you weren't part of their. I had no idea, Newcastle. Newcastle Uni is, yeah, got a few rows, yeah. Same as Durham.

Yeah, I knew Durham. Bristol. Yeah. I knew Durham Bristol yeah I knew Bristol Edinburgh did you go to uni Adam yeah I went to the University of Liverpool for a week

never went to a single lecture and then left before fees was it literally I got your loan though got your loan though lad no I didn't

oh God so I hadn't applied for the loan because I assumed I wasn't going to get in. Yeah. So I had an unconditional offer from John Moores. So do you know what unconditional means? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me finish. I assumed I wasn't going to get in. So I had an unconditional offer from Liverpool John Moores. And I was like, I'm just not going to bother if I'm going there. I'd already been doing comedy for a year. Right. And I was like, I'm not going to... So you needed A, A, B to get into the Uni of Liverpool.

And I just knew I wasn't going to get that. But I did get an A in maths. So because I got the A in maths and I wrote a personal statement, my personal statement to uni essentially was like, look, I'm going to get an A in maths and I wrote a personal statement my personal statement to uni essentially was like look I'm going to get an A in maths because I'm really I was doing maths at uni because I'm really good at it

and I haven't really tried at A level I've fucked around and that's why the other two results are shit but if you let me in I promise

I promise what what what scouse is this yeah UCAS works for most of the country but in Liverpool we just write a threatening statement listen no beds What? What scouse is this? Yeah, UCAS works for most of the country,

but in Liverpool, we just write a threatening statement. Listen, Nobbeds, I've got a fucking A. That sounds like the kind of conversation that you would be having with your estranged wife from the street into a house. Look, I've done one good thing. I know the kids hate me, but I bought you that necklace. Can you do that? Can you get into university with a letter?

I got told I got into the Uni of Bill based on the strength of my personal statements because I wrote it really colloquially. I literally wrote it like... A lot. Look, I was like, I've really messed around at A-level and not took it seriously. And I've still got an A in maths.

Like, I've really took the seriously and I've still got an A in maths like I've I've really took the piss I've missed lessons I've I've not put any effort in and I've still got an A in maths but I'm going to work my

damnedest to get to that second week and then we'll see if you back me now but they let me in on the strength of that

right it was really really sort of casually written I know people say oh you went to university you know you have to finish yeah you can't just say i went there for a bit no but i did go there for a bit yeah yeah i didn't i didn't finish either i fucked i didn't finish uni but i went to uni i'm asking the wrong question it's my i started i started cleaning the posh kids houses it was great there's money to be made there fuck the degree they all had brand new terrace houses um what did you do for the week what what what

went to all the freshers week parties and events and then went this is me done well i literally i got i got to the end of the week and i was like right the lectures start now and i hadn't applied for my fine and shit i was like i could leave now with no debt and like just give comedy a proper crack oh you already gigged i've done a year of comedy you basically wanted freshers week yeah and no education yeah gotcha and i got it i think it's it's very hard inspirational it's very hard to keep doing stuff once you found stand-up though isn't it yeah when did you do your very first gig was it after uni at uni but i basically used the student loan as like a sort of like a basically an expenses fund for being an open spot and then i was getting paid by the time i left so i did i wish i'd done that

yeah i did that yeah yeah i wish i'd done that um i actually went just going i won't have any deaths i was like well i did get into death i just didn't owe it to the student finance company i owed it to when i moved down to manchester from Newcastle to be a comedian I applied and I'm I've actually been to two universities and never talk about Manchester Met I got a student loan to do exactly that I was like cool I need a starter fund to get down to uni and I wanted to be in student accommodation because it was cheaper so So I've actually fucked up two degrees, Newcastle and Manchester Met, just for that reason.

Because the second time I was like, oh, I need to be here to do gigs and that just helped and I didn't care about it. I just straight in. It was great. Yeah. But I've fucked up a degree twice now.

You haven't fucked it up though, did you? Because you weren't trying. You can't fuck something up that you're not trying to do right okay yeah I mean fucking something up

is you're trying to do it well and it doesn't wear out I think I think Liz Truss is trying to do it well as we've said she's an emotionally abused parrot

so she's only so much she's capable of doing she looks like that open spot who's forgotten the bit yeah

that's awful I've seen that a few times at beat the frog there's not i mean obviously people like oh i got saw deaths and i've seen freddie quinn do jim jeffries material i've seen people just be freddie quinn i've seen separate comedians you'll have to be sorry freddie it's just so easy i know i shouldn't be anti-semitic but to watch someone totally freeze and not have any words is one of the more like i'll be honest their body moves doesn't it it's like rigor mortis and as a compare you feel like responsible like there is a point where you have to go are you okay but then you don't know what you want it's just gonna just to watch a comedian total rabbit in a headlight so like

oh oh it's fucking it's gone to admit it as well not to say let's do some crowd work or like segue to and then so nice they were like people would go come on you can do it and they'd go okay yeah no it's gone I cringe thinking about it now

so last time you came in you just had a baby and you were really tired and quite stressed by it all I'm just wondering whether you know just over a year later I'm assuming it's all calmed down now

and you've got your energy back I still like the idea of having a kid but the reality is absolutely dreadful i mean um sort of like communism really you think it'll work out and then you give them a go and everyone's dead in the shit everywhere but you're not allowed to leave it's no I love I love the kid I must stress that but I do hate my life

there are times where I think she's the only thing stopping me from killing myself and the main reason I want to do it is a very unique feeling to have where

one reason to live is also the first thing you're putting on the suicide note but I felt like that after the Champions League final in Kiev

yeah like the thing I most want to live for is Liverpool Football Club but then do you know what I felt when Aguero scored

when the Premier League ended that season and Aguero I thought I can never kill myself as long as the Premier League exists if they make a Super League,

I'm fucking... But I mean, moments like that, it's just so... You feel so alive. So I know what you mean. But no, the kid sleeps, but she goes to the nursery, which I don't know what they're doing there.

I think they're testing new biological weapons because we are just ill all the time like the reason i'm drinking coffee and whiskey is because i've got blisters in my mouth from some shit she brought back yeah i don't even know what it is it's like fucking legionnaires disease it's like medieval i look at like before i had the kid diseases i would get right cold maybe a chesty cough piles after a big night fine can't blame that on the baby though can you I mean if the baby's bringing back piles I'm asking some real questions actually on Guinness is she no Guinness um Does Guinness give you piles? That explains so much.

Sorry. Carry on. I would, if you didn't, if you'd never had, just from going for your Instagram stories, if you've never had piles. I think I had one recently.

You should do medical trials. I think I had my first one recently. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. It's just boo. It's just too, going too hard is what piles is, I think.

It's just, you're just pushing stuff down and your arsehole just, it has to force out and your arsehole comes out. Yeah, no 18-month-year-old should be going so hard that they've got piles.

Check the piles. Yeah. No, but the thing is is that there's these weird illnesses that you've never heard of. So I woke up and I had like blisters in my mouth and this sort of rash.

I go, what the fuck's this? And then someone goes, oh, it's just arse pox. It's really, it's classic arse pox. And I go i go well how the fuck have i got why do you get this and he goes oh it's when a kid french kisses a dog and then motorboats and other kids and then pretty liberal nursery that your child's going to it's all liberal now they just let him get on with it just to win the dog and then, and then you go on the NHS website and all these diseases are like, well, they spread through contact

with infected feces. Now, before I had a kid, I was like, well, if you get that, you're a fucking moron. Frankly, if you're spending your weekends going through public toilets,

hunting for truffles, you get whatever's coming. But now I'm like well fair play the tables have turned i mean on a good day i've only got shit on one of my hands today's not a good day the best bit is when they're really ill the nursery won't take them back yeah yeah like well obviously that you know the kid can't come to nursery you're like brutal why because it because the kids money though the kids ill they still take the money they got the They're like, well, obviously, you know, the kid can't come to nursery. It's brutal. Why? They still take the money, though.

The kid's ill. They still take the money. Yeah, but they got the fucking illness from you. Yeah. It's an absolute germ fest. And they say you're paying for the place, not the time. So you still have to pay, even though, yeah, it's brutal. Yeah, you know when you wake up and you don't know who you are yet?

Yeah. That's the best part of my day. I'm just like a sort of blank slate. And then... Oh, yeah. I forgot. And then you feel that... I'm very fulfilled. I forgot.

The throbbing of a pile and it all comes back. You're going to be going out on tour early next year, though. Yes, mate. So that's going to be a nice break. I imagine you've roostoused it so that you've got days away let's extend it come on go buy some fucking tickets give me a break can you really do

five days in aberdeen finn i'll try i like a small crown i'm spread betting five days of 40 um yeah february through the may now on all my youtube videos i get comments from the fan base of this great podcast so fucking put your money where your mouth buy a ticket where it came across as very that came across as where can we get um finn taylor.com or the link and it's all on all my socials all my socials victory finn taylor.com yeah man February through to May everywhere Liverpool Leeds London you name it

everywhere four day tour three days stretching it out walking there and back just to really eke out the time yeah it's like 25 days

it's not massive but spread out yeah but you're gonna extend it add more dates so you can be away from the kids yes

please buy tickets yes Norway fucking the moon let's go there Yeah, but you're going to extend it. Add more dates so you can be away from the kids. Yes, please buy tickets. Yes. Norway. Fucking the moon. Let's go there. Would you take the kid on tour at any point? Are you looking forward to taking the kid? No.

Booking in tours to get away from the fucker. If I ever did Australia again, I'd maybe, if they flew the kid out, a separate flight to me, a separate plane, then yes. Fly the kid out to Australia and be like,

oh, I've extended my UK tour. I'm back, see ya. Just relaying across the world. Have you heard that story about James Corden? Now,

now the restaurant thing's come out. There's a story about James Corden. We spoke about this with his wife and the crying kid. Kid, have I told you that before? No, he told us it in the first half of today. Oh really? It's come out. There's a story about James. We spoke about this with his wife and the crying kid. Have I told you that before? No, he told us it in the first half of today.

Yeah, really? It's fucking hilarious. And I imagine something you can forgive him for. Yeah. If I had the money for those kinds of headphones, I'd be wearing them around the house. What music are you listening to,

babe? Nothing. Just white noise just i don't think we've ever had a guest that's tied into the first section so beautifully it's almost like we designed it like that god bless amazing um you i think we'll get a lot of lids at this tour because i think you're held in very, very high esteem. Particularly after the roast. I think the roast cemented you as an absolute legend.

What a fucking night that was. Your last episode was incredibly popular, but that roast. Well, you guys have been very good to me. And, you know, I love meeting lids at shows. Similar to the audience of my YouTube shows, you know, dedicated fan base of incels with my youtube show and your pot we're really doing the lord's work

women should be grateful we're keeping these people from doing some serious harm keeping them away from message boards engaging with a community of other sort of bearded bearded metalheads no I love you all you're good people no but when we when I did that gig for you the other month

I was amazed at the crowd they were so like so focused they wanted to hear the comedy yeah Finn closed Finn closed the

comedians club in Chester in September the next one's in November with Carl Donnelly and I think the second one Jamie Hutchinson was on sol donnelly and i think the second one jamie hutchinson was on so we had a bit of like fucking jamie's on like his new fans are a special type of intense like fucking jamie's on and dr catford again and the second one was a bit fruity

yeah and a little bit of it was a bit spicy a bit more fruity because i've done the show and that was like as i said the fucking beer hall perch but they were amazing my crowd was amazing yeah yeah we get honestly there's two or three percent of the have a word fans are like pretty unhinged yeah the rest are just dead sound and really like comedy and that night in Chester everyone all the acts came off and went wow they're real comedy fans aren't they because we talk about

stand up so much and how much we care and give a shit about it on this sort of every third question we do is sort of really

nerdy comedy question yeah like different people writing every week and want to know some sort of info on how the industry works or how we feel about certain things should be done we had a bit of a problem after lockdown three where that was the first time we were allowed out

properly and i went to you know that edin Fringe that happened last year, which was like everyone did two or three days. So I did three days at the Pleasance. And in every single show throughout it, someone was shouting out, or more than one person was shouting out pod references. And on the very next episode of the podcast, we went for an entire half hour section. We're going to talk about how we don't want that to happen.

And it did sort of stop it I think the lids get it now they're like yeah cool especially on my tour that's going on now everyone in the rooms listens to the podcast so if you shout something out everyone's like yeah dickhead we all know the references

so hardly anyone's done it it's brilliant because there's that genuine dialogue between you and the fans without having to fucking meet them. There's that public school, private school coming back. But no, the roast was what a fucking great night. I reckon I said the least amount I've ever said on any stage that night.

Yeah, you took the piss really with how little you did. Yeah. I still think that's maybe my favorite night yeah in comedy ever that was what that was one of the classic nights of me going i'm not really a joke writer and you were like you need to write at least 20 jokes and i'm fucking doing my shitty jokes and at the end you were like all of mine have been stepped on anyway good night guys thanks for coming's sake. Yeah. If you want to watch that, that's on patreon.com slash have a word pod. All of the exclusives

for the last God knows how long, two years, two and a half years. But we have these gems of patron specials. We mentioned on the patron advert, but that roast of Adam and Dan was one of the best things

I've ever been involved in. Just getting an absolute murderer's row of fucking killers who are all our mates and then me and adam sitting there getting absolutely hammered and i think you took another layer of hammering like i like we anyone who no one could ever accuse me and adam of not having a sense of humor because my my mates who don't listen to the pod came down to that just i mentioned it to them and she was like it was like really brutal wasn't it yeah that's why it's good yeah yeah but

like your mates saying horrible stuff to you is a genuine sign of affection like if that's if that come at you in a tweet from a someone who obviously doesn't you, it's the worst thing in the world, really. Your mates saying the unsayable to you when they've been given the license to do it. Well, it's like consent, isn't it? Yeah. If you don't want someone to strangle you, it's a crime. But for a lot of people, they pay money.

Many of them will listen to this. Fair play. Good on you. It's just about who's doing it and how well they're doing it and if you've got a safe word we didn't have a safe words for the right it was the same principle it's that you know if we'd have had a safe word yeah for the like guys before we start the roast if if adam and i say flapjack you must stop the jokes we'd never hear the fucking end of it you would have been um i think flapj Flapjack? You would have been... I think Flapjack's a pretty good...

The stage would have been rushed. That audience was fucking feral. We were so up for it. It's like ancient Rome. It was brilliant. They're just baying for blood. Yeah. I think Flapjack's a good safe word, isn't it?

I had to go on last as well, after Freddie had basically mentioned every child that's been murdered in the last 30 years. Freddie name-checking every horrific Sun newspaper story. I don't even know if people realise how we put the running orders together that night because no one wanted to go last. Everyone really wanted to go first

because then you've got a complete blank canvas and nothing can be stepped on or whatever. And you're not following it. We drew it, didn't we? We drew it. But I actually think the running order ended up being pretty perfect. Yeah.

Weirdly. Were you later on? He was last. I had to follow Freddie. You had lied. Well. But like, Mark Nelson set the tone. Brennan did really well.

I remember. Ishan going just before the interval, because obviously he's so popular with Arlo. And then Alfie going first after the break. Freddie, who just took everything as far as he could possibly do, so which he was always going to do. And then you've done so much roast work

and written for roasts as well like in America. It was probably the perfect run and order really. I remember because Alfie was really nervous about it because even though his stand up can be quite brutal

he's just not you know he maybe finds it like harder to write kind of it's quite shallow stuff really just in appearances

and his face when Nelson started because he was just like oh no oh no I'm not prepared I'm not you know

you tell yourself that I've got some jokes and then Nelson went so, like haymakers early on. And you can see, I don't know if you can see it on the special, but Alfie's just going, oh my. So you've written,

you've written for roast in the States. Yeah. I wrote on the roast of Alec Baldwin before he fucking shot someone. I bet you were gutted. So gutted. Cause if he'd have just, if he'd have just shot someone before it... I know.

He could have just done so much more. I think if you accidentally murder someone, I don't think you should be accepting roast bookings for a while. That's another loaded gun. Do you know what I mean? Like, when... I know what you mean. Yeah, when... No, I know what you mean Yeah I know what you mean

Yeah I think Alec Baldwin Is such a I think he'd be like Nah it's fine I can probably get away with it I think he's He's got it in it

What? Or both Both the murder And the Allegedly No I reckon he's the kind of It's on tape What are you saying allegedly?

It's not a fucking film I think he's the kind of character That'd be on tape. What are you saying? Allegedly. It was on a fucking film set. I think he's the kind of character that'd be like, no, I could still do the roast. I don't know. He seems a bit sort of shaken up by the whole thing. Oh, does he?

But see, the roast... The writing for roast was how I got on that fucking... I meant to apologise for ruining your hobby, Dan. Oh, the... Special... The amount of people that tagged me

into your interview on the NFL. Good morning football is such a big thing in the States. It's such a massive, it's on the network. It's on the NFL's network. They put so much money to it. And they were like, do you know what? It'd be really good. Let's have a British guy.

Let's have an English guy. And he'll like not know about the NFL and you came to end their program i didn't actually i just got because the production company that i got the roast writing work from were just like oh we also do this show and we just found out we're filming in london this is like a week before do you want to do anything for it and i was like i don't i don't know anything about n about NFL but alright thinking that I could be like and we had a meeting

where we were like talking about being a correspondent on the you know talking to NFL fans and stuff and my agent stays on the call

to talk money and I'm thinking well NFL that's got to be a decent payday and then the agent calls me saying

oh they don't pay anyone they pay them in exposure I'm like what? that's fucking horsehit so i thought well all right i'll take um i'll say some shit if i'm getting paid in exposure um try and make it as exposing as possible um and it fucking worked yeah i still didn't think they'd i didn't plan it to be like that it just they i just didn't think they'd react they go so plan it to be like that. It's just, I just didn't think they'd react. They were so skittish, the hosts. Oh, the hosts

had an absolute period, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he fucking pooed himself. They had, Yeah, but you were doing OJ jokes.

Yeah. So what I didn't know, In the States, it's like, what, eight in the morning on Sunday morning. You're doing OJ Simpson

murdering his wife bits. You could see him like, oh no, no, no. They've got an earpiece. They offered me an earpiece and I hate them. So I said no, but they've all got earpieces. So they can hear the head of the NFL, like commercial arms going, no, no, no. He spent 30 years trying to distance this sport from OJ.

So that's why he's just like, trying to distance this sport from OJ. So that's why he's just like, trying to smile. And then the woman, she was the most, she didn't say goodbye to me, she was probably pissed off. One of them was loving it. Yeah, the one on the far right.

He was loving it, it was fun. But they tried to pull me mid-segment. Like I put the whole clip up the whole video on my youtube but you can see that um i start with a lapel mic and then after the ad break i've got a stick mic and that's because after the first segment they were like you're done and the producer was like no i think he's booked for another segment and the floor manager was like no no no you're done and then um they take the mic off me and then they're like is there any other guest?

They started going around the South Bank going, anyone here like American football? They couldn't find anyone quick enough. So I was like, well, I'll still do it. And so the second segment starts with a really long shot of Tower Bridge and that's because I was just being bundled on with the stick mic and they were going,

oh, for fuck's sake. So honestly- You promise you won't do it again? Yeah, yeah, I'll be good now. So honestly, I was like, how did you end up, like watching the first clip, so funny, but I was like, so surely you just got sacked. And when there's another shot of you

and you do the joke again. It's when they're like, oh, so Finn, do you know what a stupid fucking... Fumble rooski. Yeah. A fumble rooski is. And you're like,

is it? Let me underline that thing that got me sacked the first time. I'll give anyone, go, do you know what? Right, no. Yeah, we are going to use Finn again. And let's keep the segment in underline that thing that got me sacked the first time I'll let anyone go do you know what right no yeah we are going to use Finn again

and let's keep the segment in where we ask him things he doesn't know and let him wildly speculate on what it might be when he's just told you

that all he knows about American football is that the darling of it killed his wife on a waiter 30 years ago it's so so

so funny I got tagged in it so many times like you must be fuming Dan you're like no I'm not it's so so so funny I got tagged in it so many times like you must be fuming Dan you're like no I'm not it's absolutely beautiful

well I I was I went to the NFL a week after with Brennan Rees I'm sorry to hear that it's a fantastic sport it really is I don't stay up to watch it

all the time he did kill a white woman there so you'd have loved it he did an old fumble rooster and he got away with it what a play and brennan was like i thought it was hilarious but like they couldn't give that to someone who watches the nfl and i was like yeah and it wouldn't have been anywhere near

as good you couldn't give that to any british nfl fan they'd have been there like i'm on the nfl show it had to go to someone who didn't give a fuck about it and was willing to do exactly what you did and there was one person in the country and that was you yeah yeah i answered the call yeah i mean i tell you what it's so exhilarating i don't get booked for live tv much as uh as probably apparent but um so exhilarating because it's not even it's not like you're shitting you're not shitting on your own doorstep because it's like in another it must be what Kevin Bacon feels like

because all those ads are here so everyone's like you've fucking given up but he doesn't care because he's in America doing you know no one knows that he's you know

do you know what I mean he's used in the UK just to make some money 100% and he'll be getting a fucking shit load of money for adverts as Kevin Bacon yeah so but anyway so because you're basically fucking up people's mornings where you don't live just to make some money. And he'll be getting a fucking shitload of money for adverts as Kevin Bacon.

Yeah. But anyway, because you're basically fucking up people's mornings where you don't live. So exhilarating. To literally not care at all. And then use it to grow a fan base here. Really exploitative. It's the perfect murder.

Yeah, it is. Well, the perfect murder is when you murder your wife. The old fumble ruski. Let's be clear, that's what the perfect murder is. I think you might get booked for more roast stuff. I think that agent who got you on there, any other TV producer would be absolutely fucking appalled,

but surely that raises your status as, listen, we've got a job. Maybe Alec Baldwin's not involved, but there's a roast going on. Do you remember that guy that British guy who fucked up good morning football

like for comedians in the States must love it well I got a message Alfie messaged me with his mate his mate who lives in the States

saying that it's going it was going around all the like fantasy football groups and stuff and yeah it's crazy but like I was just saying before

it's weird when you go sort of viral for something that's not your main thing so it'd be like if people follow me now wanted me to like oh you could say it again you go well i've said it now i don't have anything else to say i can take a piss out of formula one or some other fucking shit sport if you want i'd like to see that yeah i'd really like to see you just get booked for stuff you've got no interest in. Yeah, every score. And now it's 10 pin bowling. Finn Taylor a bit. The bowls on BBC Two.

Oh, the bowls, yeah, yeah. Brown, green. What the fuck are you doing? A walking dead in here? I think that brings us to a natural break. Yeah, let's have a break. What's happening, everyone? Time to talk about NordVPN.

I love NordVPN. You do, don't you? It's one of my favourite sponsors of this podcast. Have you been using one? I haven't because I don't know what one is. You should know what it is by now. I should. They've been a sponsor for like a year or so.

I know, but just run me through it again. Just remind me. A VPN is a way to improve your internet security, protect you from viruses, but also you can set your location to anywhere on the planet. So like, for example, you know the way the three o'clock Premier League kickoffs are not broadcast in the UK?

Of course not. But they are broadcast in other places around the world. So if you set it to like Canada or Australia or something, you know what I mean? Belize? That's good for Netflix. Oh, Belizean Netflix? Belizean Netflix.

Love it. They've got so many films that the UK hasn't got. Maybe from the absolute incredible landscape of Belizean cinema. They just don't release them in the UK. Do got. Maybe from the absolute incredible landscape of Belizean cinema. They just don't release them in the UK. Do you know what I mean? And also, The Dark Knight, that's on the American one,

so you set it to American Netflix. Nice, nice, nice. Do you know what I mean? If you get a VPN, set it to America or Belize or Belarus. You can set it to wherever you want and watch the Netflix catalogue from that country rather than the UK. To be honest.

All from the comfort of your fucking tower in Liverpool. I'm just going to sign up to stop him talking about Belizean Netflix. Grab your exclusive NordVPN deal by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word to get a huge discount off your NordVPN plan plus four months for free. It's completely risk-free with Nord's 30-day

money-back guarantee. Go and watch the Reds turn it round and win the league, mate. Jürgen said to me

no, no, no, no, no, said so. I'm in my

in Belize. What's happening, lads? As you might have noticed when we moved into the new studio, we've upped our game

signage-wise. It's not just a fucking sticker on the wall anymore we've got these beautiful light up signs courtesy of brandgraphics.co.uk that's graphics with an x that's g-r-a-p-h-i-x brandgraphics.co.uk if you're looking to get a sign like this made they also did the decal the sticker in the original studio you can go to them a sign like this made, they also did the decal, the sticker in the original studio. You can go to them for all your signage needs. They helped us. They've provided these to the new studio. We wouldn't have been able to get them without them. They've sorted us out. They can

sort you out as well. Please go and support them. They've supported us. That's brandgraphicswithanx.co.uk You like them as well, Dan, don't you? Yep. Final section of what has been an absolute fucking corker. I'll tell you what makes drinking water easier. Sugar-free, cordial. Yeah.

So it's not water really anymore. It is though, isn't it? Yeah, kind of. So mainly water. I have no position to speak. I'm on sneak. Have you started recording? Yeah.

Oh, Christ. Okay. That was some quite damp patter we've got some we've got some apple and blackcurrant robinson's sugar-free that's adam's beverage sneak uh use code word 10 it'll knock his tits off and what am i on uh whiskey which one glenn moray lovely Do you want to do an advert for it? I do do whiskey reviews on my Instagram What's your favourite whiskey? Tomat in 18 Is it? I haven't had that

You had Lagavulin 16 Which one? Lagavulin 16 Is that an Isla one? It's Petey That's on Parks and Rec Petey

Petey I kind of It's weird My mum's been drinking My mum's Scottish She's been drinking whiskey for like 40 years or whatever I think it's an age thing I think you my mum's Scottish she's been drinking whiskey for like 40 years whatever I think it's an age thing I think you get to a level

where you just will only take like petrol yeah that's all you want like a frog yeah that kind of area

I'm still I really like the sherry casks and I really like the kind of sweet ones like a Balvenie yeah Balvenie Balvenie's good

yeah Balvenie 10 yeah yeah love a Balvenie 10 yeah Mord Yeah. Love a Balvenie 10. Yeah. Mordor 9. Have you tried a Mordor 9?

Honestly. Pokemon 18. Lovely yellowy. There's one called Ockentocken. No, there's not. There is. My wife can't pronounce it I honestly thought

You said That's my wifi password The Okntoken19 Is actually the network key I think it's pronounced Okntoken My wife can't pronounce it She calls it Auschwitz

Ironically It's not very smoky Now I don't know If that will go out Oh no it will It will It won't be clipped Please don't know if that will go out. Oh, no, it will. It will? Yeah, yeah. It won't be clipped. No, no, no.

It won't be clipped. Please don't. Please don't clip that one. It'll stay in the main edit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Woo! Got some advice. Cheers.

Enjoyed it. And that's why he's a ledge. Should we do some advice? Yeah. I think a man drinking whiskey doing Auschwitz jokes can give advice, can't he? Sure. Aspox, is that one of the... Aspox?

Aspox, sorry. I don't know what that is. Aspox is the American version. Agony Adam. So, Adam, as we know, is very good at solving people's problems. This is from Anonymous. Wag wag lids, please keep this anonymous.

I need you to have a word with some deceiving woman. Woman? Typical. Such incels. From Florida, who is trying to blackmail me. Long story short, we talked on Snapchat for a couple of days. Then things got exciting, and she was sending me all sorts of sex vids

and stuff being a gentleman I return the favour there's nothing more gentlemanly than wanking on a selfie video surprise surprise

I'll tell you who's wanking just to guess that's what selfie takes are for really isn't it I think if you're a lad and you go sex

video back I think my head went to the wanking selfie fucking his couch we fucking his couch well surprise surprise you probably needed two cameras set up to get that wouldn't you yeah well or a videographer will speed surprise surprise she then screenshotted them and is now asking for 300 or she'll send them to all my facebook friends including my lovely mum and so forth. Which is by far the biggest boner killer I've ever experienced. She got swiftly told to get

fucked and now I'm currently too scared to look at my mum in the eyes because I have no idea whether she's seen me tugging one out. I was right. Horrible situation. I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Just own it. Just put on Facebook hey I was sending this girl. Just do exactly what you've done here

to us and just tell all your family and friends. Like, this is a common thing now, isn't it? Being asked for like, sex vids by women. Also,

your mum, your mum is, you know, she's tidied your bedroom. She knows where the bodies are. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. She's walked in just as you finished

and she can tell, she can tell that you have that kind of like autistic post-card. Huh? Well, no, I've just been chilling. You finished and she can tell you have that kind of like autistic postcard. Huh? Well, no, I've just been chilling. You know, she can, they know. And she's still got a sense of smell. Yeah.

She knows. They're like raptors. They know. Raptor mum. It's all in there. They know. And your cum smells a lot stronger to other people than you.

Do you know what I mean? Like you're used to your own scent. Yeah, a mum's no cum. That's a fact. Can we just Google that? That's a different Iceland. Can we just fact check

whether that's true? What's the question? Does cum smell stronger to other people? It's a fact. And bears. That's why you're meant to jizz in a bear

if you see one. If you can cum with a bear charging you you've done really well yeah that's a danger wank well it's my kink there's no there's no result for it because big farmer want to suppress the truth big farmer it says it says it can experience a smell similar to bleach or ammonia? Semen smells like bleach or chlorine. Yeah, I don't. What? What? Bleach or chlorine?

Anyone? What? Does your cum smell like bleach? I know what they mean. Oysters. I know what they mean. No, because when you bleach, if you like, you use bleach, when you walk into a room,

you're like, fuck, I can't help. Open a window. I'm not having that problem no because it's your question what if your wife's hands smell of bleach and ask her some questions what's her number i think you know have you been cleaning or have you been you know toilet fuck four at once i'm pissed now i think my hands smell like toilet fuck without a t-shirt like farmer john toilet fuck people are into that don't they people people probably they sit on toilets like front way yeah japanese toilets with the yeah yeah yeah that is actually a thing he's not making that up no my daughter does

it my daughter just on a normal toilet there's no b-day involved oh she just got this thing of like just to be different yeah she just sits on the toilet the wrong way yeah but some people sit on the toilet the wrong way because but some people sit on the toilet the wrong way fucking because i'm the japanese fucking water pipe presses against the clitoris for orgasms right cool that conversation was too close together to the one i started you should not my thing was a continuation of what he was on about oh we don't have a b-day into that and you're like yeah my daughter oh sorry i missed that bit so sorry i in my head i missed the b-day bit and that's why i mentioned yeah if there was a b-day facility i'd smash the toilet with a hammer and we'd all piss on the lawn as a protest

the house we moved into has got a b-day has it yeah yeah we've not really i mean i do use it for sort of washing my feet and balls because it used i mean i do use it for sort of washing my feet and balls because it's what else have you washed it for the bum bum though have you used it for the bum bum no i used a bum gun in dubai i didn't see now if it's a movable gun it's not yes it's not movable that's the problem you know how you they say you're not meant to wash raw chicken in a sink yeah because who says that well ironically quite a lot of people from the same communities that use b-days west indian anyway um we bought the house from a west indian family and uh apparently b-days are much more common yeah in different communities

anyway my point is you're not meant to wash raw chicken in the same sink. That's where you clean your arse. Yeah, I'll give you that. I think the West Indians are onto something. No, man, that's dirty. Get the chicken out the beedie. That's Jamaica? That was fucking... Where did you say?

Somalian pyro. Where did you say? West Indian. Yeah, West Indies. Jamaica. Oh, I thought you meant the West of India. that was uh where did you say somalian pirates where did you say west west indian yeah yeah west indies jamaica oh i thought you meant the west of india no that that was columbus's big mistake before that's why it's called the west indies genuinely it's because they got there in 15 whatever and then went oh this must be india because they were so fucking stupid and racist yeah and because cricket is still basically run by the same people, like, no, they're called the West Indies. Yeah.

That's, you know. Okay. You didn't get it because you don't ask about cricket. Anyway, I've not been washing my chicken where I've washed my ass. Okay, just to clear that up. Sunday roast upstairs. This fucking...

But it's the same principle in that you... Tell me how you do your jerk chicken. It's got a particular flavour. Anyway. Turtle Bay. Levi Roos. The point is that because you spray the chicken with water and it goes all over your, like, you're washing up

and the rest of the kitchen, and if it's in bad chicken or whatever. E. coli or that shit the same principle I find with a static bum gun is that if it's hitting my arse

it's gonna just yeah all over the the um yeah yeah yeah the bathroom a little I mean basically

we're in the shower head if we're really yeah I don't know you just wanna pop something up there just have a little scratch it's fine isn't it

yeah what was the question it's fine, isn't it? Yeah. What was the question? It's fine. So you're getting scammed by some rat in Florida. Your mum's... She knows you're a dirtbag. Yeah. You're a young lad.

The only reason to be worried about this is if you're embarrassed about the shape or size of your cock. Thing is, as a parent... Now I'm a parent, I understand how your parents just, your embarrassment can never, you can never be too embarrassed. Because this morning I saw a shit come out of my daughter's arsehole

from this angle. On the lawn. It was incredible. She was sat here. She was on a changing table. But seeing it from like i almost wanted there to be classical music like a sort of um big big bang video it's so like visceral yeah and um it's rough it's rough it's it's rough it's very the first time you because

obviously my daughter was born and it's it's pretty graphic and you're like i just don't even know if i should be anywhere and this is it's just too much you're like, I just don't even know if I should be anywhere. And this is, it's just too much. The first time it happened, because she's also eye contact, she's like, and you're like,

I don't know where to look. And then the first time it happened, I just called for my wife, I'm like, I just didn't know what to do because you just see this thing coming out slowly. When you get poo on your hands for the first time,

you're like, I really love you because I haven't fucked you out the window. Like, if anyone, I'm telling you this right now, I love you lot. Any of you't fucked you out the window like yeah like when if anyone i'm telling you this right now i love you lot any of you get your poo on my hands there is a major problem you know full well that it's not impossible and you're apparently like that's not a bit on you

i'm making chicken come on Adam yeah the bum gun in Dubai was a a revelation when I get my own house probably next year I'm absolutely installed on a bum gun it felt good

yeah never mind the fucking rolling blackouts Adam's cleaning his arse well the water's still on you should you should have one by the front door

by the house pipe you know when people like wash the dog outside you should come back to the front door, by the hose pipe. You know when people wash the dog outside, you should come back from the water. Morning. And then you're using the excess water on your flower beds in the front garden, which is good for the environment, I'm told. If you ever have Adam Grover to stay, he's like,

fucking hell, I love that outdoor bomb gun. No, just a tap. It's just a tap for the sprinkler. It's called a garden hose, Adam. One for the roses. for my arsehole hosepipe ban no thanks imagine

during a heatwave Ro just fucking dousing his arsehole on the street I mean it's a bit difficult mate would you be your mum's lovely

I've met your mum many a time. Yeah. Such a gentle woman. Where's this going? Kind. Where's this going? Kind but sensitive, you know?

Yeah. And soft to the touch, I imagine. Fan of Poirot and my comedy. Yeah. Good woman. Strong woman. Hearty thighs. No. Hearty thighs. No.

Hearty thighs. I'm imagining now a kind of squat. Oh, no. Tight head prop. No, no, no. Is your mum Turkish? Or your dad Turkish? Maureen Cuvallus.

Dad's Turkish. Oh, no, yeah. She's a wonderful Welsh woman. Okay. She's from the hills, but in a good way. Similar kind of, but there's a similar kind of yeah squat squat no nonsense big big farmer she's known many so big farmer is in ph or literally a big farm woman can i ask that what they mean when they say big farmer yeah Finn's big mum you're in the pocket

of some massive fat farmer big farmer John sorry he's very litigious if you if there was a if there was a video

online if there was a video online where some girl's been like fucking hell Finn like she's from a distant part of the world that you could never visit

the south of Wales yeah because we know there's no roads I've never been she's like fucking Elfin I love you I want to have a word I do

send us a send us a fucking video send us a video of you wanking off you big lad like that I thought you were going to say big man

well look at that he's got a hearty knob it's alright I'm back to it and then she was like ah stupid You were going to say big mum. It's got a hearty knob. It's all right. I'm back to it. And then she was like, ah, stupid. My name's Jeff. Farmer Jeff.

I'm going to send this video to your mum, unless you give me 300 euros. Yeah, what would you do? I mean, would you be arsed? I'm saying. It's obviously not ideal it's not ideal no it's not ideal but i think you'd get over it i wouldn't want it on the internet as in isn't it illegal for them to put it on the internet yeah yeah it's revenge isn't it yeah

i wouldn't i'd own it i think yeah not ashamed i think my bring it on let's do it joel dom it sold out the apollo after that happened to him yeah I'm ready so Joel Dormant had a wanking video you know I've had a similar thing he wrote a show about it

we have spoke about this before he wrote a show about it and leaned into it and yeah I mean I would like to see Joel Dormant wanking because that's the problem

is that he looks like an angel yeah looks like an angel on growth hormone someone punching a blancmange no one's seeing that if I honestly is that he looks like an angel. Yeah. Looks like an angel on growth hormone. Someone punching a blancmange. No one's seeing that. If I honestly propped up a camera and like did it,

I don't even know where you put the camera for a wanking video. But if it was like up the body. I'd use a drone. Have you never done it, Dan? What? You've never done it? When?

I don't know. You're not that long out of the game. Dan got an impressionist constable renaissance painting is Is he wanking? No, I've never done... No, I had a flip phone when I met Laura. Just a... Yeah. So you can't do it on a flip phone.

Just, you know. I am... I have told this story on Hathaway before, but we've got many a new listener. So if you haven't heard this before, I apologise. It's time for a Hathaway classic. Adam went on Robot Wars.

Didn't actually eventually go on Robot Wars. Oh, sorry, sorry. And if you'd listened to the story properly, you'd know we didn't quite make it. Have I told you about building that robot? Yeah. There was a girl from Aberystwyth Uni. It's always the Welsh.

So I matched with her on Tinder when I was there to do Aberystwyth Uni. That old, the mad freshers. Yeah. With the Welsh. So I matched with her on Tinder when I was there to do Aberystwyth Uni. That old, the mad freshers. Yeah. With the rider. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wednesday night.

Amazing night. Yeah, that's what they called her. You go to peer pressure. What? That club on the pier. Did you go out in Aberystwyth? Yeah, yeah. I'm so jealous.

Yeah, I went out to Aberystwyth. Oh. It's great. Sorry, go on yeah so we sort of swapped we swapped phone numbers

and Facebook and whatever and exchanged a few messages yeah I remember it now and a few videos and then one day

she asked me I hadn't spoken to her for about a month and I just got a Snapchat from her that said can you send me a dick pic and I was in bed and I was got a Snapchat from her that said can you send me a dick pic

and I was in bed and I was like sure and immediately she screenshotted it and then blocked me and I was like oh what the fuck is she going to do with that and I was like do you know what no one's going to know it's my dick she can't prove it's my dick and then I just double checked the photo that I'd sent again and in

soft focus in the background was a picture of me mum. The weird thing is... It all doesn't prove it's you. The weird thing was... It all doesn't prove it's you, though. The weird thing was he was in a travel lodge. Gideon's Bible, Rose Mum.

There she go there you are oh fucking hell why is there a request weirdly I was in your old bedroom oh no oh god

I've never I've never taken one no no just oh no no no and the only reason I'd take a picture

of my dick now is because the NHS sometimes likes to see pictures yeah yeah yeah private message oh no no no and the only reason I'd take a picture of my dick now is because the NHS sometimes likes to see pictures yeah yeah yeah private medicine it's looking really manky

well the doctor wants to see a picture first doctors are dirty but yeah doctors are black never from above

no never from above never from above what get a bit of balls in you can't take it from above like it's the fucking first Grand Theft Auto game

shooting out car like bullets didn't realise we were getting the light right and doing a silhouette of your dick no you have to

you have to sort of take it sort of from the base yeah but that's why the photos you see and you have the camera like there that's why the photos you see and you have the camera like there

that's why the photos you see everyone's got all their chins out because they're like like that because they're looking down yeah

it's meant to look imposing isn't it it's like when you take a photo of someone like that and they're all like you know yeah

I think I'd take mine from behind and like have my willy like looking over like a you know just looking over hill like

what's that that's nice isn't it draw little eyes on him. No? One of my ex-girlfriends stuck googly eyes on me cock once. Yeah. Was she going on Blue Peter or something? What?

Was she going on Blue Peter? Part of an heart attack. Got on a ladder and went, look at that. We ran out of pipe cleaners, so this is what we made of it. I went for a nap while I was naked and she... She had a multicoloured stamp that she put all over my legs and she cut two googly eyes out and put it on my cock and I woke up and I had stamps all over my legs and eyes on my cock.

One of the more playful sexual assaults you're going to hear about. If only more googly eyes were used. Never mind. I just think if you've got a wife, this is where this is a very different, this is like, you're losing your house, aren't you? Because of a fucking Snapchat.

Has he said that? No, but I mean, if it's your mum, who's arsed? If he's doing it. What are you going to do? Put your fucking minimal rent up? Shut up, you mum. Another one.

Should we do more advice? Sure. The advice there was basically, listen, lad, just tell her, go ahead, put it out there, but just inform all your family and friends, yeah? I was exchanging some of Roth, okay?

Leon Berger says, lads, need some advice. 9th of December, I've obviously got tickets to the live show. Now, the rats at my son's nursery have just announced they're holding the first ever Christmas show, Carol Service,

on the same day. Fucking rats. What do do i do zero pressure from the wife as she got me live show tickets as a gift but the boy has already asked me if i will be there oh do i tell him the truth i'm going up north to drink and watch the mental shit that you boys are planning to do or do i tell him that i'll be there to watch and the rest of the little cunts sing jingle bells badly and ruin six months of plans as dan will probably tell you don't have kids they fuck up your plans love them really that's leon who is in a bit of a quandary here i don't know how many have a word lives we are going to do an arena i'm not saying we're not going to do more but there's no it's no definite every year they're going to do something.

And if they're nursery, they're under five. They'll do one at school where they're five. I mean, you're taking on the arena, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Our show will be better. You'd hope so. Yeah. Just because I know how much it's costing.

You'd think. If this primary school has got a fire button, I'm impressed. Guys, l button, I'd be impressed. Guys, lads, I don't know how set it is, but if you could get that guy's nursery to get the kids up there and do a little song. Yeah, the problem is Freddie Quinn's on stage, so. Oh, he's not allowed within 10 feet, is he?

I don't know. That's legally right. It's a big stage, so I don't so I reckon we can keep the 10 feet bound We need a gun To keep us I'd love that Having the little kids come out That sounded horrifically noncy

I'd love that Get in touch Email Is it Finn or Finley? Finley at haveawordnetwork.com and Finn will arrange it. We'll have these as part of the live show. Get them to come on.

Can we vote? Can we put this to the vote? This is a democracy. Judge Rowe sits in session. We're voting on whether Leon should go to the Have A Word live show or his kids, one of his kids' nativities. I'm voting live show. Live show.

I'm voting live show, show I'm voting live show but with the kids coming up to be part of it right yeah there you go if there's ever an opportunity

to Adam to spend more money on the production of this show he fucking takes it they'll need obviously hotels for the teachers

a lot fuck it fuck it we've gone bust doesn't matter it's a spectacle will they need suits um i love kids in suits are so funny man get them all in suits 80s crushed velvet tuxes i can love it i i i want us to... I want us, me, Finn, Carl, Dan,

for the after party of the arena, I want us all in matching crushed velvet suits. Yeah. Yeah. Should we do a have a word? Should we do a have a word? We've not been doing have a words recently, have we? Have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems.

Yeah, how about your friends? This was gonna be the whole podcast. Now it's... This is from Anonymous Lady. Wag wag lids. Don't know... Wag wag lids. Don't know if you need to have a word with me or my fella.

We've been together nearly two years now. Live with each other for almost a year. We've talked about marriage, kids, the works. 90% of the time, everything is amazing. We get along great. He treats me like a queg. Queen. We work together.

Sorry, it's my, I misread it. He treats me like a queg. We work together too. We work together. Somebody washes their chicken in the bidet. We work together too. I think in the bidet we work together too I think this is where my insecurities come from

he's worked in our company for a while and me not as long he got me the job exes of his have also worked there and many staff know them well

I hear stories of how he's fucked them in work and several places he's done it rooms I go in on the daily and I'm reminded of

and even from his own mouth he's never i'm reminded of and even from his own mouth he's never even once tried it with oh even from his own mouth he's told me the stories but he's never once tried it with me i know it's a big kink in general if you work with someone you're sleeping with it's kind of just a thing and has been for him clearly in the past with everyone else but if i bring it up he just brushes past it and it seems like a solid no says he's matured past it now but I know it wasn't long so long before me that one of these exes weren't there and everyone including himself still jokes about the stories and seems almost braggy um I'm up for quite a lot and quite a sexual being I like trying new stuff and being a bit risky and clearly so was

he with them but just not me. Have a word with me for feeling insecure and like I'm just inadequate to these other girls. Or have a word with him for being a pussy-o and making me feel that way. I've tried other turn-ons like lingerie and outfits and he just doesn't seem to care for it at all. I don't know how to turn this guy on

and it's really upsetting me and making me feel like I'm just unattractive. Am I being paranoid? Sorry, there wasn't a lot of grammar in the right places in that email. No, I'll be honest, I was cut out from that twice. Sorry, it was a slightly long one. I don't think we need to have everybody either.

After me, I just think it's possible that, you know, she is a little bit insecure, but that's okay, and maybe he just finds her repulsive in the workplace. So is it just, is the kink issue just because she won't get banged at work? I think it's because all your suspicions are correct. I think if he hadn't in the past, she wouldn't have an issue. No, but here's the thing. When you come to settle down

there is stuff that I've done in the past that I would not do to my wife out of respect because she kisses our child with that mouth do you know what I mean she washes chicken in that B day she washes chicken

with that arsehole and you want me to go in then? Absolutely not. So, hang on. There's stuff you've done with women in the past that you wouldn't do with your wife?

Yeah. Because I respect her more than with people I've been with in the past that was more of a fling. I don't think that is old-fashioned. I know exactly what you mean. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're with someone, you go, well, this is clearly not going to be a thing thing. You can't poo on your wife. Let's just dig up... You cannot poo on your wife. Because if the baby starts crying, she's got shit in her chest,

you're turtlenecking, what do you do? You go Fucking hell We've got to call grandma No Reign it in You're an adult You know what I mean?

Minimum you need a babysitter At least And a hotel room Yeah Yeah You can't shit in anyone's chest When the monitor's on I didn't say you can't shit in anyone's chest

You can't shit in your wife's chest I love that she's shit in your wife's chest. I love that she's like, if your mate's around and you add a few jars, go buy it. Shout out Mrs. Taylor. wonderful woman clean clean clean as that chicken mate i think you just try and nosh him off at work i've forgotten what the question was is it what can we just can we just what just trying to give some

I don't need to have a word If he's banged all of these birds in the place that you now work And everyone's like Do you remember when you put Big Jill on the photocopier Sorry Mandy Out of respect we don't talk about that now I think you need to have a word with these animals At work

Your finger blasted her in the fucking other place at work. I don't work, love. I've not worked properly. Yeah, it is weird that they're, like, talking about it around. I think that's who we need to have a word about. Yeah, his colleagues. Yeah. Come on, guys.

Where the fuck do you work? QuickFit. What kind of? Yeah. Where's the HR department in this? QuickFit. Under kind of, where's the HR department in this? Quick fit. Underneath the car. They're all real.

They're all real. These laddies. No shit. You're at Evan's house, sure. Here's a bit of advice for, I know that's not advice, but here's the thing. People who work there,

show this to people who work there. From now on, whenever you're talking about this lovely woman's fella and his previous escapades, just invent a new character. Yeah. So just say, oh, this isn't about Gary. Do you remember John?

He used to shag everyone in every room. Big John. Used to be a farmer. People change. He got a job at Quicken. People change over time. People change. People move on.

You know. I just want to pull you up on something here. Am I a good lady wife? It's not going to enjoy this. I think, you know, if you're into plopping on people and that's something that you've done before marriage, I don't think the binding contract of marriage should stop that. I think you should plop away.

Put in the safety of a loving relationship. What I have issue with is people... And what kind of carpets have you got? Check if they can have Dom used on them there's two there's two things i'd add to that the first is i don't agree with you unless they're one of these people that are like i won't have sex before marriage but i'll do anything but anything but it's far worse than sex if you're if you're at the altar and you're like yeah i've actually saved myself for marriage I mean you

shat on my chest but my vaginal virginity is intact because I believe in the Lord that's horseshit arsehole in tatters

but yeah yeah Jesus loves a bummer Brett Goldstein who's now very famous told me a story of I don't know if it's an urban myth or it's friends of his

but this couple that had been together for years they'd done everything they'd done absolutely everything, but they'd never done stuff with shit. And so there's one kind of, I don't know,

they're like, let's see if we're these people. They kind of like all their shit on each other and stuff. They get shit everywhere. And then apparently they wake up the next morning, they take a load of drugs and, you know, like real hippie shit.

They take a load of drugs and shit on each other. 60s stuff. And then, shit they take a load of drugs and shit on each other and then you know 60s stuff and then um and then they um and then they wake up the next morning and they they don't speak to each other and they clean the whole house and then they just he just walks out the door and they never speak to each other again and they've been together they've been together for like 10 years and they just they'd unlocked a part of themselves they couldn't put back like 10 years and they just, they'd unlocked a part of themselves they couldn't put back in a box and they just had to split up.

It's a really sad story. Because they were really in love. And I think that's a lesson in why you shouldn't shit on your romantic partners. That was the last day of the summer, I love that. 1967. Then it was the Manson murders and then now we're here 1st of January 1968

everyone wiped up and walked away yeah genuinely that ladies and gents has been one of the finest

Finn there's a reason why people don't drink whiskey at midday I think we need more whiskey in here yeah Finn one last time where do we find tickets for the tour because we need to know uh all tour tickets at finday.com all my

socials are at finn taylor comedy i'm on tiktok now oh you look at me absolutely oh they love it tiktok instagram youtube and watch finn versus Internet on YouTube. Finn vs the Internet which is essentially Finn inviting unsuspecting internet influencers onto his show for what they believe is going to be

a really straight down the line interview is spectacular. I love it so much. So go and watch that and make sure if you have I mean you have already

but if you haven't watched Finn on Good Morning Football the clip is also on his YouTube channel subscribe to my YouTube because more Finn vs the Internet is coming very soon

yeah wonderful last few tickets available we talked about the arena show last few tickets available now do you know what don't buy them we've sold enough

we don't need you you've dragged your deals we don't want you there cool interesting tactic comediansclubchester.com for tickets to November the 26th. We have Carl Donnelly and Sean McLaughlin. And as Finn said, it's a fucking great gig.

Great gig. And Rowey Baggs is there in Feb. Yeah, I'm going to be there in February. That a pod? Yeah, yeah. Quick song. Oh, yeah. Do you know what?

I'd love a quick song. Yeah. This is from a band called The Cheap Thrills. I want to get a Scouse rating on them. They're from the Walton Vale. Out of 10. Walton Vale? Yeah.

Yeah, Walton's pretty roughly. Yeah, okay. Sweet. Well, this song's called Codependence, and they've just worked with Liverpool Football Club. So, decent. All right, go ahead. You don't get that on YouTube,

but you get it on the audio bye Felicia it's called codependence that's this trick's name we're staying the same it's called codependence that's this trick's name we're staying the feet of life without you

Trouble on my mind There's nobody quite like you And that I've realised Like to know how you've been keeping Won't care if you're always sleeping You're smart but you don't look smart Hearts don't look like love hearts Buckle up, kick the trend

Never mind, we'll co-. Saving up or do a lend, don't pick a side, we'll codepend. Feel a groove and try to bend, don't have to move, we'll codepend. Never, never after mend, it's always good to codepend. It's called codependence. It's called codependence. That's this trick's name. We're staying the same. It's called codependence. That's this trick's name.

We're staying the same. What's pointing nowhere when nowhere sounds like home? Saying that we don't care about being on our own. I'd walk over hot stones, work my fingers to the bone I'd go between North and South Poles just to show how far we've grown Buckle up, kick the trend, never mind, we'll co-depend Saving up or do a lend, don't pick a side, we'll co-depend Feel a groove and try to bend Don't have to move, codepend Never, never an aftermath

It's always good to codepend So, if they take you away I'll follow for a lifetime and a day. We're codependent. you away I follow for a lifetime and a day we're codependent and

that's the only way buckle up, kick the trend never mind, we'll codepend saving up or do a lend, don't pick a side, we'll codepend, feel a groove and try to bend, don't have to move, we'll codepend. Never, never have to mend, it's always good to codepend.

It's called codependence. That's this trick's name, we're staying the same. It's called codependence. It's called codependence It's called codependence Thank you.