Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #196 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Here we go. Here we go halloween it is i love halloween yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm wearing spooky lingerie because i know your how you perceive halloween is more sexual no but i also just love the the customs of halloween do you know i mean i love like the pumpkins i love i love the pumpkins especially when they've been made by our matthew's mother who's a talented woman talented

just a very look at it skillful hands yeah it's i mean the evidence is right there but also when meet her, you get a sense of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think, talented woman. When she hugs you and she grips you. Oh, I know, it's tender. It's weirdly knowing. Yeah. I don't know what she knows. It's like you've hugged before.

I'm telling you right now, it would be comforting. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to this episode. The great thing about having dead mums is no comeback. Because if my dad hugged you, you'd probably feel lonelier than you did before the hug. I don't know how that's possible. That's the bleakest thing we've ever said on this podcast.

I'm telling you. I've had two hugs this lifetime. Not expecting a third. Right, Dad. Spooky. He haunts me. So, tell you what, these bricks look good. They do.

Oh, wow. For the audio listeners, just imagine really good looking brick slips. tell you what these bricks look good they do oh wow for the audio listeners just imagine really good looking brick slips do you not know what a brick slip is well I didn't

until three months ago and then they were the bane of my fucking existence drove Carl to near madness actually got our fucking Tory builders

confused beyond the ability to work. They were like, I just don't know what to do. Do you know what? I can't recommend enough the guys who, because to get the job done,

you know, it takes a specialist tiler to put bricks in themselves. Guys, if you're thinking during this cost of living crisis of spending £10,000

on brick slips, let me just tell you, not bricks, not bricks. Then Serana Title and Services. Oh, Serana. Serana? Serana.

You say Serana, I say Serana. Let's get 10 grand of brick slips. Can you, are you struggling to pay your energy bill? You need brick slips.

Do they add any insulation? Nope. They probably make the room colder if anything, but they look fucking great putting brick slips on your house

is like getting a hug from Dan Stant you just you feel cold and grey this is going to be one of my favourites for a while

they are available on facebook yale.com and their own website their own website for a while. No, but they are available on Facebook, yell.com and their own website. Their own website. Their own website. Their own website is saranatilandservices.co.uk. Sarana, two Rs, one R, one N. That's the-

No, two Ns. That's the slogan. One R, two Ns. That's the slogan. Serana, one R, two Ns. It's the company, and you know, you can tell we know this because he's just saying this. Serana and Gareth are they just... Sergio and Gareth.

Close personal friends of mine. They did the work in four days, and it took Tory builders four months to go, oh, I just don't know how to do this. Sergio is a Christian minister, which has been added to the- He prayed for me in front of me. Yeah.

Did I tell you about that? Yeah. When I come in, like Gareth been telling him like about me special and the edit and stuff and that. We were pitching it to Netflix and whatever. And he goes Adam

I would like to pray for you if that's okay just because you mentioned Netflix yeah I'd like to pray for you if that's okay and I just went yeah that'd be great

because I thought he was going to go home that night and like you know as part of his nightly prayers he was going to go what's happening God you know what I mean

like here's all the things I want out and if you don't mind sort of had them out as well but just in front of me he was just like here's all the things I want out and if you don't mind sort of have them out as well but just in front of me he was just like started talking

to the big man yeah is that how you think people pray alright God loads on today big day tomorrow just like to pray

for cheaper parking fucking overpaid yesterday hoping to find some free parking tomorrow loading bay or something also that Adam sound fucking Amazon seems wank so yesterday hoping to find some free parking tomorrow loading bay or something also

that Adam sound fucking Amazon seems wank so praying for him to get on Netflix alright get on me

Serrano was founded in 1998 oh honestly founded in 1998 the best year 24 years ago a great year

was that the year you were born it was the year I was born it was the year after France 98 World Cup famously 1998 was

the year of the 98 World Cup which was one of the best World Cups and that was they were just literally watching France win

that World Cup and they were like shit we need to do brick slips. As they saw Zidane bang in that second. God, he was fucking great at that World Cup. We'll be singing when we're winning. That's the song, isn't it? Was it?

That was the theme song of that World Cup. Was Vindaloo 98 as well? Was Vindaloo the unofficial one, which is one of my favourite England... Was it? That's a long one. Sure it was. Well, we'll be singing one when it wasn't an England song.

It was the Braille Cup song. Na, na, na, England. 1998. 1998 should have been accepted as the official. FIFA 98 was what I broke my PS1 on because I played it that much. Really? You didn't waz anything?

You just literally, you burnt out your PS1? Yeah. So it was like, at the time I was six. So you're gone, FIFA 98, first game,

England, Tunisia, playing on amateur and I won 103-3 and I'll never, ever, ever forget it. 103-3. Sheeran,

Barnaby. I remember when I used to do upset to a concede 3 really I was just a little cunt to me they'd be like right we'll have one game each

and I put his on 3 minutes at half and then put mine on 45 minutes at half he sat there for an hour and a half and he's like your games last

well longer it's not even not even 2 and a half times it can be like it's not like 10 minutes and 20 3 and 45

fuck I know I know I'm young but the passage of time is really weird when you're in charge of it fucking wizard twat did you play fight a lot

with your brother like I always think that people with brothers are just well harder than people with sisters yeah I just I don't know just because I never you never play never play fort with your sister you can probably

braid hair really well you want to see me do an interpretive dance to fuck yeah we used to scrap quite a bit like i used to get in trouble a lot because i was always a lot bigger than him and if we were fighting how many years younger is he? four four that's the same as me and my brother four years difference yeah four years isn't

you're in you're not in the same catchment are you? no there is for a little little window there's a brief way like I don't know six and ten there's not a massive

oh I don't know I was we were still fighting then and then it got to like he was like 14 and it was just yeah once puberty hits. Yeah.

You're like a trans UFC fighter. It's got a natural advantage. Listen, he's hit puberty. He's got a lot of hormones knocking around. His shoulders have really broadened. I don't think this fight seems fair anymore. Yeah. I got boxing gloves for Christmas one year

and so did Jack. And we used to put them on fine. It's a slightly irresponsible gift. Yeah, I got boxing gloves for Christmas one year and so did Jack. And we used to put them on fine. That's a slightly irresponsible gift. Here. Go in the other room. Last man standing. We asked for boxing equipment, so I got like a punch bag

that actually never got hung up. It was just, we'd lean it against the wall. Which is just training for kicking fuck out of homeless people yeah we're not training to fight people

who are stood up he's really good at ending them he's had enough no he's not

yeah we'd put them on and have we're just going to have a little box and then he'd hit me

like proper and then I'd just fucking twat him and my dad would come in and go, look, because Jack would be crying

and I'd be like, he started it. He's like, you've both got boxing gloves on. He started it. He started it. I was just typing. That's probably my game boy.

Yeah. Yeah, we did used to fight a lot. My first fight was the first time I ever got, like, oh no, I got punched in the face in Preston when I was a, like, that,

but I wasn't, that wasn't a fight. That was just me getting bullied. Yeah. And then we ran off. The first time, actually, I had a fight was my mate Sean when we were working at his dad's warehouse, and we just wound each other up the whole, I think I worked there for four weeks.

It felt like, talking about the passage of time, it felt like I'd worked there for about four years. It was just the gcse summer 1997 be here now would just come out because we were all that were literally all we talked about um and me and sean had wound each other up so much over the four weeks while bondy my or other mate had just gone docile he's got the ability to just click into a gear where he's basically just not there you know one people he's like i'm not getting into it you couldn't talk to him he didn't get wound up because he just has that sort of like it's almost like he was on standby but still working when me and sean were like no i was like radio had a better anyway just getting into each other finally flipped when he threw a box we

were unloading a container because his dad owned a company that brought over like potpourri and candles from china so this is in bamba bridge in preston the massive thing would just uh reverse into the warehouse and it'd have to be unloaded and we'd wound each other so much at one point and we're still going at each other so this is loads of warehouse workers and then three lads who were basically the boss's son's mates and the boss's son so they were all like these fucking knobheads basically the boss's son's mates and the boss's son. So they were all like these fucking nubbeds. And he threw a box and I called him a no shag ratty bastard because his nickname at school had been rat.

And if you called him ratty, it was just like literally like throwing fucking petrol on a fire. No shag. Because I'd lost my virginity and he hadn't. Oh, that is so funny. I just, I just, I said the word. No shag ratty bastard. I said the word shag rastafari and he was this box of me and i called him a no shout he's 16 and he literally jumped off the

truck to try and land a flying punch got down i was like what and he and he punched me for the first time uh and i punched him back and then we went went for it and we like i honestly thought it was like a death match i thought it was like honestly the the like you know like the famous match like boxing like tyson holyfield in my head that's what it looked like like a death match and he's like fucking get off yeah and the lads from the warehouse were like, leave it, leave it. Because they thought,

fuck, I think they thought, fuck, we're going to get bollocked here. Because these, they thought we were posh. These kids are going to get us in trouble. So they sort of broke us up

and then looked at us and there was not a scratch on us. In my head, I was bleeding. And he's like, and he's got an eye hanging out and there was no scratch. And they were like,

what the fuck all wrong with you? Get in. So we had a round two. Because they thought we were dragging them and there was going to be blood and there was no squatting. They were like, oh, what the fuck all wrong with you? Get in. So we had a round two. Because they thought we were dragging them and there was going to be blood and there was nothing. It was pathetic. We were like,

like that. Landed about two punches. That's my only real fight of my life. I fought quite a lot when I was a kid. Like with me brother and me mates in the streets over footy and stuff like that. And our Jack ended up being quite hard because he'd fight with me. Four years years fighting with someone four years and a lot

four years older and a lot bigger um and he ended up really good at football because he was playing football with lads four years older and he was the best of all of us really yeah so he's just i think that with like all sportsmen like like especially fighters, but in the NFL, there's the Kelsey brothers. One's a lineman, one's a fucking tight end now. They're two of the best at their position. Probably spent the whole of their childhood just in a garden. They play virtually opposing positions.

Not quite, but one's big and stops play. One's fucking massive and tries to make plays. I reckon they must have been in the garden just fucking squatting into each other. Yeah, there's me fucking braiding hair. Watching Liza Minnelli

stepping out. One singular sensation. Never had a fight apart from with fucking Ratty. Hi Sean, you alright? His brother watches. Do you reckon that'll bother him now? I'll love that. No, because he's genuinely my best mate.

He's the best man at my wedding. Yeah. Is he still a no-shag Ratty bastard? No, he's had sex a couple of times. So he's now a shag and Ratty bastard? He lives in South Africa with his beautiful wife in a very posh bit of South Africa. Really?

Yeah, done all right. My mates have all fucked off. Is his wife South African? Yeah, Jana, she's great. Jana? Jana. Jana? Jana.

Jana. Jana. Jana. People from Plymouth are called Janas. Oh, really? She's from Stellenbosch in South Africa. You know, everyone's like, South Africa's rough as fuck.

Well, from what I can see of Stellenbosch, it fucking not it's like a gated county basically yeah but it is like the johannesburg's like the mayor the capital of the world isn't it joe bogg yeah so apparently with with the crime in south africa they just when they do carjackings and stuff they're like yeah do you know what we don't need witnesses do we like it gets like that in their head they're like fuck it we're stealing a car we might as well kill him because then you know no one's gonna go it was them cunts that's pretty scary isn't it it's i mean i understand the thought process like yeah yeah if you're gonna do a carjacking um in london there's billboards like you, you know, those movable billboards, digital billboards in West London saying if you don't need it, don't wear it, go bare on expensive watches

because there's been so many muggings with people. In London? In West London, like, you know, like High Park, Mayfair, Knightsbridge, all of the fucking Uber Tories. The police have got to the point where they're like, you know what, we're just going to make this a campaign. I mean, they're probably not spending money on those billboards in Rotherham.

No, no offence, Rotherham. But in West London, it's such a problem that they turn up with those electric bikes, don't they, and scooters, and just fucking go straight for the wrist. Yeah. Audible. And I also,

when we were driving down to do the Vauxhall Comedy Club, shout out Mooch and everyone at the Vauxhall Comedy Club because it was great. And I just got the settlement back from my tour and every venue takes big chunks.

Mooch hasn't. They've just gone, yeah, you've sold the tickets. Fuck it. So sound. So go and check out the Vauxhall Comedy Club because they're

they've been amazing to us and I love playing it but on the way past we passed the Aston Martin garage just on Hyde Park corner and someone had orange painted it

you know this is what they're doing now innit oh yeah I like the just stop oil people the just stop oil people they've really geared up the past couple of weeks

yeah it's been a it's been a... Brendan Burns messaged me about it. Remember Brendan Burns, the comer? He's a legend when I started. He now works in environmental... He works in the environment. He stopped doing comedy and become an environmentalist.

Wow. Yeah, so he messaged me. I knew he'd stopped comedy, but I didn't know that. Because I shared, you know the ones when they threw the soup at the Mona Lisa or whatever? Van Gogh.

Sunflowers, isn't it? Sunflowers. I shared it and said, I was just fucking around and said, if you told me what had happened, I could have drawn both of their haircuts.

Yeah, it's a funny joke. And he messaged me and was like, I'm on their side, you know? Like their haircuts yeah it's a funny joke and he messaged me and was like i'm on their side you know like i've been it's so hard he's like you've got no idea how bad it is like the environmental stuff at the minute and no one's listening to us so i get it and i i think they're right to do what they're doing brendan burns yeah mental well they threw what did they do a couple of days ago they pied King Charles

at two swords yeah erm something else has just been done and Monet has just been done with like

was it like potato salad or something yeah it's whatever they can get in yeah isn't it and it's trying to stay in the news isn't it

so now they're like so obviously people are like take a right make a slushy packed lunch and when you go in you can be like it's just my packed lunch and then fucking empty the tupperware onto a 96 million pound painting it's difficult isn't it because they're probably right but they are right the thing is they're extremists though aren't they that's the problem yeah but like their argument is that the situation's extreme and they're not actually

doing any damage they're just raising awareness yeah yeah i i don't give a fuck about much to that extent but it's it's not to sort of blur the argument but people who are just obsessed with woke culture and fighting racism we mentioned it a few weeks ago in In essence, they're right. Racism's awful. Sexism's something that we need to deal with. But they take it to an extreme, don't they? To fight it, they feel like they've got to go to that extreme. And then all of a sudden, people who agree with them, in essence, sort of...

Dislike them. Yeah, dislike them. And then with the anti-oil thing, yeah, you can tell the environmental stuff's absolutely fucked. That's what i said to drive an audi q7 so oh dear the reason i think it's like counterproductive to what they're trying to achieve or claim to try and achieve is when they do it normal people who would agree with them go oh they're just cunts and then they don't get support from normal people because everyone

just thinks that i think the main one the main one that people are getting annoyed at is the gluing themselves to the road isn't it people are just done with that one yeah that one never gets a good reaction because you're stopping

people getting to work and already struggling to pay the bill have you seen people are just ripping them out of the road now they don't they're just

the road one the road one is is tricky because people are struggling at the moment this is a fucking rough time like people have got mortgages that are going up the fuel fuel's going up and everything and they're just trying to get to work which is already difficult you're making an enemy of the wrong

people you the masses are having a hard time i with the artwork i mean 96 million pound artwork is already fucking obscene and sort of highlights the problem of the the ultra wealthy and the

who decides what art is worth an auction is that it yeah I think Sotheby's and all those high end sort of auctioneers

will have a rough estimate of what something's worth are you just talking a bit more generally yeah yeah it's time in it and cultural significance but like that's sunflower one right it's one of the most famous paintings in his time but why why is it the most famous paintings ever just because i suppose people are in people are into art are probably like you know what we're into comedy like right now if shane gillis did an nft of his next special and was like i've just recorded an hour of stand-up that

you can know or what you know i know again it's not the analogy doesn't work perfectly but we know how good shane gillis is yeah people are into art in the same way they know historically the significance of how famous they were at the time and how, looking back, they've had the influence they have on modern art. And then they'll also know modern artists and I don't even know the name of many modern artists, but who's your man that stuck the shark in formaldehyde? Dave Blaine. Oh, fuck.

Why am I being thick? Wayne. Shark formaldehyde. I google that who's the british artist um who's how do you spell formaldehyde th starts with th all right okay th yeah formaldehyde what is he called wayne anyway he's like the i'm guessing let's hope it corrects it um the physical impossibility Damien Hirst Damien Hirst Wayne

you know Wayne that guy from your estate Damien Hirst like he's he's famous in his time and he's when he obviously made a name

for himself he's obviously done stuff I know we're gonna get back to Tracey Emin and the bed but like stuff that is popular like becomes culturally significant and then when they make a like create a piece it's fashionable to buy it stuff like monet's sunflowers is just it's not it's

historically significant isn't it so uber rich art collectors will be like yeah i want that piece i want this the clout of saying i own that piece and that's when they can decide what's something's worth do you think any pod artifacts will ever become of value why don't we paint something right do you mean like the bullshit bell the original bullshit bell or something well i've just moved a ton of stuff from that old studio in Runcorn. We'd just given the keys back and said goodbye, which was sad, but nice, good. I'm all out. I was like, Runcorn, I'll miss you. And I was like, nah, I won't.

I'll miss the parking. I've got stuff in boxes that is significant, like little objects that to pod fans, they probably quite enjoy. My favourite podcast around the nfl if they had little mementos for sale i'd consider buying buying it because to me although it's from a small bubble it's significant to me so i'd consider buying it and if if this pod was big enough if we put those things on let's put an auction on. Let's do an auction. Yeah. Let's get an auction house.

Yeah. Can we all have... Oh my God, Freddie Quinn would be an amazing auction. He talks like that anyway. Sold, but I'm keeping the money.

I'll invoice you. It's time we did a bit of a charity thing. Let's have a little... let's have a little. Oh, you wanted to, you wanted to pay for brick slips. Yeah, we've got about 19 boxes of unused brick slips. And if I was going to ever use them, I'd give them to Serenite Island Services.

Oh, Serenite, two R's, one N. No, it's one R's. One R, two N's. It's pointless getting their slogan wrong. they won't be able to spell it um that's true isn't it yeah yeah you're right i think we should do a painting a painting yeah cool you got a style abstract oh so is it like what's up abstract oh yeah because you've said before that you're quite a big fan of like the skill of drawing something. But you just want to like cover your dick

in loads of different colours and then just plait it into a fucking piece of paper. That would be so good. Because Jackson Pollock just like flicked like a brush, didn't he? Did that over it. You could just do it with your dick. You could dip your dick in like Jewel Looks

from about four feet up and then just fucking, you could windmill onto a massive canvas yeah i don't want to be there but i want to see the results yeah yeah less of a windmill and more of like a handheld

fan yeah and then we'll get a little a photo for me but we could do a painting and then like in years to come if this part becomes like culturally significant, it could be worth $96 million.

$96 million? Because the Americans will be bidding. That's when we break into America. Yeah? Yeah. Let's do a patent now. Is it the Guggenheim? There's the famous art gallery in New York.

It's something Heim, isn't it? Yeah. And Wayne's in there. Wayne's got loads of bits in there. Or we could just probably shouldn't say this on a public episode what why don't we like fake a van gogh and then we found a new van gogh that no one's ever known about yeah who's gonna fake that because you can't paint i can paint i'm quite good at drawing and painting yeah would you be able to resist the

temptation to write adam rowe in the corner of it that's dead good everyone should know it's me adam rowe this is a van gogh really it's really badly is that a pube on it says adam rowe in the corner no it doesn't in the corner no it doesn't sorry Vincent Rowe that's his nickname Vincent Van Rowe

Vincent Van Rowe that's what we call him just go by your middle name yeah Vinnie well it's as Adam

as Adam said before he always follows through and that's not just his IBS when he decides he's doing something and if you're a long time listener to this you will know follows through and that's not just his IBS when he decides he's doing something

and if you're a long time listener to this you will know that nothing Adam has said has not been followed through on so look forward to Adam's

fake Van Gogh and my series of I think I'm gonna I'm gonna dip my gooch in paint and then just go wah

on a piece of paper and then stand up again that's gonna be what? you're going for gooch in paint and then just go wah! on a piece of paper and then stand up again. That's going to be... What? You're going for gooch? I don't know. I'm just trying to be... It's modern art, isn't it?

Yeah. You don't have to do an actual drawing of anything. Could you just get up a couple of hang-off paintings so I know where I've got a sort of channel? Yeah, we've got

obviously the famous like Starry Night and Sunflowers. They're the two big hits, aren't they I love how Finn I want to take the piss

out of how Finn spells but every time he goes to spell something yeah you just you just spelt Van Gogh as in Darren Goff like yeah yeah yeah

and also when you put formaldehyde in I knew it was wrong but I was like that's exactly how I would have tried to spell it

Google gets it where's the Starry Night one Yeah What I mean I could Look at that I could do that Oh it's all swishy

Oh god It just looks Exactly the same He's good looking Oh yeah This is when This is when they Stopped trying to make it

Oh here they are Yeah I guess Yeah this is when They stopped trying to make it look exactly like it it was like a oh that's beautiful yeah nice one you could do that it's local just go on bold street yeah i'll do a bold street coffee are you dropping them in the audio this is we're looking at van gogh oh that's shite that's the original tracy emmons bed he he wasn't um he was underappreciated wasn't in his time that's why original Tracey Emin's bed he wasn't he was underappreciated

wasn't he in his time that's why he's now famous because no one liked him I think a lot of artists have like yeah

ended up with that sort of I mean I like them but it's not like technically good is it do you know what I mean I think I think

do you know what I mean the one I don't get is Lowry I don't understand why that's any good oh no I don't get Lowryry. I don't understand why that's any good. Oh, no, I don't get Lowry. That makes no sense to me. What's Lowry? Shite.

It's just stick men and just... It's like the North that we... That's Lowry. Very culturally significant. Makes me feel sad about the North. That was £2.65 million. I get that. That's well better than the Van Gogh stuff.

That's the frog and bucket on the left. Aye, we're Northern. We're stick men look at us but they're not stick men now are they constant i know but you know that's good though you like that i'm not i'm not a big larry guy yeah picasso was famous in his lifetime yeah very famous he was. He was a lot more recent than I even realised. When I was little, learning about it in school, you just assume that all art is dead old. And then he was about, wasn't he? 1881, died in 1972, I think. He was shit though.

He was so famous that towards the end of his life, when he lived in the south of France, he had bullfights on his property. Could you get some Picassos up, please? And they actually televised them on French television because he was that famous. It was like, oh yeah, we'll stick Picasso's bullfights on TV.

All the mad heads. Yeah. I mean, it's just stupid though, isn't it? Where's Guernica? Oh, there's Guernica. Third row down to the right. That's good. To the right, to the right.

That's, no. Guernica. There you go. That's Guernica. What's good. To the right, to the right. That's, that's, no. Guernica. There you go. That's Guernica. What's that? Oh, no, it's not. Yeah, it is, it is. Is it?

What's that? That's just his Spanish Civil War. It looks like it was done by a kid, doesn't it? If your kid came back and did Guernica, you'd be like, fuck me, this kid needs meds. The weeping woman, top left, very kid needs needs meds the weeping woman top left very very top left is the weeping woman he's famous for that yeah yeah the amount of sounds i drew that in gcser's annoys me like picasso annoys me he's the first to do it though wasn't he that's

the thing is that it's he created a whole new style so So it's... Bad paintings. But it spoke to people. If you've been to see them, the Weeping Woman was at the Tate in Liverpool. I actually went to see it. But it, like, I think it's hard when you just got a Google page up and you can just see loads of paintings.

I think you've got to go and see these paintings. Like, I don't know. There's some, I'm not trying to sound like a fucking artsy-fat but there is something about seeing these things sometimes it does elicit a response from you like you do feel stuff i do enjoy an art gallery i just don't know why and i think that's why i hate it because it makes me feel things i don't understand that was so beautiful i'm working class i like art sometimes but sometimes it makes me happy and sad, but I don't know why,

and I don't trust it. So many people are going to relate to that. I like sandwiches. I'm hungry. I eat a sandwich. It makes me happy. I trust sandwiches. Paintings.

Weird. I think that's why I've got such hate for it. I like it, but I don't understand why I like like it so i have to say i hate it that painting is great that we've a woman but it's shit at the same time i know in it get back up look at it it's shite it doesn't look like a woman but at the same time it's a masterpiece it's wonderful and also we've all broken up with a psycho aren't we this one is actually not very good i think that's a self-portrait is it yeah is that what he looked

like yeah yeah i think yeah i think he was on ketamine at the time um i've said i said it before i'll say it again i want to go to an art gallery with ro because i just think that is so beautifully put like i love it and i hate it and I don't know why it annoys me it's like yes that's what art's meant to be it's meant to be infuriating it's meant to be amazing it's meant to be upsetting and and like wondrous and like it's just meant to pull out shit from like we deal with the day-to-day every day oh I've got to pay for parking I've got to get up at this time I'm having a bowl of fucking Rice Krispies and then all of a sudden something

just elicits a response from you guttural like just instinctive response and I love that about art gay sandwiches are good as well though

when me and Carl went to Paris last month we started putting Snapchat fields on the Mona Lisa so it's not always there's that many people here it's like oh yeah i can see it and then you get to the front of the queue it's like oh yeah i can still see it still the same yeah but that all that old stuff doesn't do much for me that all that renaissance like i don't know not into that like yeah she's just a moody looking fucking six out of ten why don't we put an art like a gallery on

an exhibition why don't we put why don't we all do some paintings and put an exhibition on yeah as a patron special

there's a gallery across the room yes and I'm telling you Will film it I'm doing my genitals in paint

bang on a piece of on a canvas I'm gonna make it a little better for I'm gonna come up with something very abstract are you yes i'm doing a giraffe mother doing like a tracy emin style thing what is it what is it finn is i call this mother watching poirot beautiful she saw that she saw

that and she came and questioned me about it because it was on your story it was fuck you and your poirot watching mum and I went it's not you it's fine it's someone else's mum oh it is but your mum's sound she came to my live show she knows

she'd be sound lovely very welcoming woman yeah very a little bit like Matthew's mum talented we'll put this in the she'll be there

I hope yeah give my love give a love to Mrs both of your mums are very lovely this is Matthew yeah and then there's Carl's mum

who's just a dirty bitch Give a love to Mrs. Both of your mums are very lovely. This is Matthew. And this is Carl's mum. She's just a dirty bitch. Time for a break. Poor old Barbara. What's happening, everyone? Time to talk about NordVPN. i love nord vpn you do don't you it's one of our my favorite sponsors of this podcast have you been using one i haven't because i don't know what one is you should know what it is by now they've been responsible like a year or so i know but just run me through it again just a vpn is a way to improve your internet security

protection from viruses but also you can set your location to anywhere on the planet so like for example you know the way the three o'clock premier league kickoffs are not broadcast in the uk of course not but they are broadcasting other places around the world so if you set it to like canada or australia or something you know what i mean that's good for netflix oh belizean netflix love it they've got so many films that the UK hasn't got maybe from the the absolute incredible landscape of Belizean cinema they just don't release them in the UK

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set it to America or Belize or Belarus you can set it to wherever you want and watch the Netflix catalogue from that country

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the league mate yeah you can sit in belize dance like you're blind um how are the new material In Belize. Dance like you're blind. How are the new material nights that you're doing at Phase One going? How have they been?

Very good. I prefer gigs like that to actual tour shows. They're more fun. It's more exciting. Yeah, and just working with Alfie and Sarah Key, we're three nights in a row. It's just more exciting. Yeah, and just working with Alfie and Sadiq, we had three nights in a row. It's just good. You've created your own weekend comedy.

You know when you get booked for a line-up on a weekend, you're like, oh, God, let's see. It really is a roll of the dice who you get. And usually, everyone's fine. You just occasionally get a bit of a cunt. And if you're really unlucky and you've not been concentrating on where you're gigging, you'll get like the double cunt.

You're like, oh God. And then all of a sudden, your phone is your best friend. You're like, I'm just going to be on here. But you've basically got three days in a row, midweek, at one of our favourite venues with two of the best comics in the UK.

Everyone on the bill has done that with the Apollo. It's a tenner in a cupboard in Liverpool. Says a lot about Live at the Apollo, doesn't it? Yeah. I really want to come down tonight, but Etta's got hand, foot and mouth. She's got foot and mouth as well? She's got hand, foot and mouth.

What's that? She got it off Jack. There's a hand hand foot and mouth what's that she got it off Jack there's a hand foot and mouth outbreak what's that they didn't have to think that killed loads of cows in Wales

yeah we've had to burn her it's pretty brutal there's a load of toddlers from Soghal it's just what you have to do what the fuck is hand foot and mouth what is it we didn't sheep dip her

properly is that what you want to hear I do a lot I just forget to we didn't sheep dip her properly. Is that what you want to hear? Ah! I do a lot. I just forget to put them in sheep dip. No, it's a thing that kids can get, young kids can get,

which I've, listen, I'm talking like I'm a fucking medical expert. I learned about hand, foot and mouth about 12 hours ago. What is it? You get like scabs around your mouth and on your feet. You just look like a fucking smack head, basically. And you're going to go and hang out with her?

What? Well, when your kids are ill, you don't get to be like, fuck, you're ill, I'm not hanging out with you. I'm going to go drinking with fucking Alfie Brown and Keyworth. Well, that looks worse than... Oh, by the way, Jack has brought it back from nursery, showed no symptoms, given it to his sister, who is like, my hands are sore.

And Jack's fucking fine. He's just still toddling around, dribbling on things. But yeah, hand, foot and mouth. It sounds brutal, doesn't it? Can you get it as an adult? Etta's been calling it hand, foot and feet. Bless her. I've been calling it hand, foot and bum.

You know, I don't know. So I've been calling it hand foot and bum you know I don't know she just so I've got to go back but what I wanted to do was come down to phase one why didn't you just tell Laurie to look after the kid

and let you come into the gig yeah I don't know I'm putting my foot down the scabby foot yeah I'm putting my hand foot I'm using my mouth to put my foot down

I will rule with my hand. Kids are rough, man. Yeah, I'm excited to do some new stuff now. The tour's flying, but it's boxed off. I just want to do something. I'm just doing

the Sam story and it's just getting better and tighter and truer. Oh, really? Do you know what I mean? Like, finding other bits where you remember

and, yes. It's very exciting. Dan Bowne says, oh really do you know what I mean like finding other bits where you remember and yes it's very exciting Dan Bowne says I'm listening oh no actually I'm going to save that one because we've got Alfie coming on

and I think that is a question for Alfie Ricky Relish says wag wag lids if you want to ask a question havewordpod

at gmail.com if you want to get a question asked quicker sign up to Patreon to ask a question havewordpod at gmail.com if you want to get a question asked quicker sign up to Patreon patreon.com slash havewordpod Wag Wag Lids

loving the pod Ricky Relish by the way shout out Ricky Relish Ricky Relish sounds like a euphemism for a wank doesn't it oh he's had a quick Ricky Relish

put your Ricky Relish all in my mouth lovely family saying come nice thank you just really like it when you underline things just oh fucking jimmy innuendo wag wag lids loving the pod got a question for you if there

was a way of getting a robot or machine to do some of your least favorite things what would you get them to do i'm literally hiring a pa for this exact reason a robot PA no but it's the same thing isn't it beep boop beep boop fucking hell lad beep boop

admit it if you got a robot you'd want a scouse robot beep boop fucking hell send them fucking invoices beep boop they're done then

fucking hell yeah the only reason I haven't hired a pa yes is because i can't deal with the admin environment oh my god oh my god can i just tell you i got an email from a promoter going could you ask adam to invoice us and i went right first of all it's nothing to do with me and it's not my place. I was like, but he's,

he's employing a Scouse robot PA soon. beep boop. Fucking hell. Go ahead. Yeah. Beep boop. I was going to do my invoices today, but I can't find my laptop.

Still lost. Oh God. I haven't really looked for it though. It's like your PlayStation 1. It's probably just because he's used it so much. Friday. Fucking creaks open. Fucking cobwebs. Fucking hell. It's like your PlayStation 1. It's probably just because he's used it so much. Fry. The fucking creaks open. Fucking cobwebs.

Fucking, I'm Matthew's mum's dummy. Dummy laptop. Oh, no. It's just I've not opened it for a while. What do I not like doing? What do I not like doing? Looking after kids with hand, foot and mouth? Great, that'd be great.

Would you send a... A nurse robot. Beep, boop. You fucking scabby little bastard. Beep boop. Get over there. Have some cow ball.

Would you send a robot to like the horrible gigs you have? Like the shitty circuit ones. Just get them to do a six out of ten. Don't really have to

do them anymore though. You just put them on the website. Put them on the website. Put them on Facebook and someone will do them for you. I can't make it

because me leg's falling off. Can't make it because me legs falling off can anyone make it I've had an admin error what do I yeah you can't can't be actual live things

but round the house what do I really not like doing I don't know cleaning out the garage stuff like around the garden again like

you can get you can get robot lawnmowers now you actually can but matt talked about bondy before you know he's got he's like he can go on standby he he loves tech he actually watches ted talks about new tech that's coming out fucking my bad and he got a robot vacuum cleaner for his flat in York years ago you just it just makes you hate robots just watching the fucking

hoover go and then just get stuck in a corner and just hoover one corner you have to go over and kick your fucking robot hoover and it just sets off

and then gets stuck in and you're like stupid fucking robot would you trust are you are you not worried about the rise of AI and what it could mean for the human race?

I just can't get out of bed thinking about it. Listen, this is all I need. Oi, big tech. Elon, are you watching? Make me a fuckable sex robot and hurry up. In fact, it's... This is time... That's them.

They exist. Yeah, I need it to be better. No, you don't. You have not I need it to be better no you don't you have not looked into it enough yeah you put a bit of money into it

you get a fucking good suck oh Finn you've got one Finn you've you've been hanging around

with us no no I mean an actual pro actual walks in I want a working I want it to be so far

advanced that it's like a working i want the sex robot that pretends to be jackie the cleaner like hello love get your knickers off samantha can talk about science and philosophy and tell jokes you even got to get consent off your sex robot right well cancel that because that's not what i'm into i'll talk about at that look at that she would be the fittest woman I've ever slept with yeah

does she have I own pictures going in here by the way Finn Finn please bang him like Carl bangs me

every time can I just say I only want a sex robot that looks like that if she sounds like she's from Tubru. Fuck it all done. Horny again, you dirty bastard. That one there, top left and in one, where she sat on the couch.

Hello. Look at the absolute keem out on that. She's scouse. That is a scouse robot. Fuck I know. Becky. Oh oh that's not a robot that's a lady porn star so so i'm 41 now so how like when am i when's laura leaving me i've got 15 at best and then she's gonna you're fucking boring me she's off then there's going to be like, you're fucking boring me. She's off. Then there's going to be the inevitable, like, you know, foreign import. You know, and then she'll get annoyed.

I'm going home. Back to real. Because she was Welsh. Ah, you thought I was being racist. You were. And then I think hopefully Elon and, you know know all the other tech gurus old Zuckerberg Zuckerberg more like

have got me a really good high end sex robot then I'm in then I'm in like the ex-Mackinaw one oh yeah alright damn but I want to be able to change her

change her accent and stuff and I wanted to you know and is it a cold relationship or are you having an actual relationship with this robot a cold relationship no like is it are you asked are you invested or is it a cold relationship or are you having an actual relationship with this robot a cold relationship no no like is it

are you asked are you invested or is it just sexual yeah that is it just sexual or do you want to build a life with this thing oh I'm not taking it

down hickories fucking beep boop I love the free popcorn beep boop what you eating babe Becky Becky Muscow sex robot

Becky what you having fucking hell damn I'm a robot can't eat actual food you mad cunt hey boob finish your tea I'm dying to suck you off

hey boob that's all I wanted to do a genuine question how about AI we haven't really discussed that on have we before are you worried about it

worried about it I'm going to be fucking it no but like they do reckon like it could get to the point where they sort of wipe us out because they think it's better for the planet and for all right the terminator yeah i get it yeah you're not worried i need your clothes they're racist as well you know and your dick in my mouth there was a racist racist robot as well i'm on the T-1000, suck me up. No, go on. There was a racist robot.

Yeah. Inevitable. They asked her to judge a beauty contest and send her pictures of women from all over the world. And every winner it picked was either white or Asian. Right. And like... I mean, we were... That's human error though, isn't it?

Yeah. Isn't that what input and what beauty is into that robot uh maybe well yeah but it was racist it didn't like any black women and it didn't like south asians it was all karate no kabaddi fucking racist robots no i'm not worried i'll be all right i'm gonna be dead before it's a major problem All karate, no kabaddi. Great game, Adam. No, I'm not worried. I'll be alright. I'm going to be dead before it's a major problem. With my grandkids, that's not looking good.

The rise of the... Think about how fast things change, mate. Really? Yeah. Well, I've seen a hoover get stuck in the corner of a flat in my lifetime, so I'm alright. Yeah, but like 20 years ago, not everyone even had a phone. It's thinking, as it can't get out of the fucking little corner

behind the coffee table it's gonna be normal to have robots assistants in the next live I'm gonna fucking kill you kick me again oh have you seen have you seen

what Saudi Arabia are doing oh here we go back from the Middle East they're doing a lot of good things you know they're doing a lot of good things

ignore the beheadings they're gonna get robots to do the beheadings soon're gonna get robots to do the bedding soon drones it's called the line yeah like a big city 35 kilometers long 500 meters high and it's like a big mega city it's all like mirrored everything's ai inside you've got like your own villages yeah it's built into it's insane talk me through why a line is better than just a big lump i don't get the line the footprint what the the actual footprint of the city is just it's one mile wide and 35 kilometers long so it's a smaller footprint than

what you're talking about yeah. Survival being spread overly. Conserves the land. Like area. You just have it inside of you. You're always worried about conserving land, aren't you? They're well known for it. They are environmentalists. They're thinking.

It's a fucking nightmare if you're a Deliveroo driver, isn't it? You're going to take this order. Oh, fuck. It's the West End. Everything's a five minute walk, isn't it? Everything you need is a five-minute walk from every apartment. Right, but what if your Auntie Jill lives on the other side of the line? 20 minutes.

It's 20 minutes from one end to the other. 35 kilometres? Yeah. Right. So how are you doing? Probably put a bullet train or something. Oh, there's a bullet train. Maybe, I don't know. Yeah.

This is like... This is happening, innit? Yeah. It's happening. I'll stay in Sorghal. train or something oh there's a bullet train maybe i don't know yeah this is like this is happening in it yeah yeah i'll stay in sogo yeah we've got we've got a new pharmacy to saudi anabia it's insane like it's bigger than the empire state building and people are going to live it's going to be incredible i i i'm thinking about like the possibility of moving there thinking about the possibility thinking about Adam have you got a PA yet

I can't be arsed doing the fucking admin to get someone to do me admin what about moving to Saudi Arabia and living in the fucking yeah yeah yeah I'll get round to it

beep boop Adam where's your fucking passport beep boop I'd rather pull my cock off than live in Saudi Arabia why because it's fucking grim

shout out Saudi Arabia I want nothing to do with you you can go and change it from the inside well they'll have a world cup there oh the new world cup the world cup 2038 is in the line

all fair and above board no one's ever played football there but they bought it with their dirty money. Go and change it from the inside. Go and convince them that Bahaduns

are morally reprehensible. Go and have a work with fucking I'm not into it. Al-San Bin, whatever his name is. Al-San Bin. That's how you get

a fucking flat in the line. Not know the fucking What is he? Al-San Bin, whatever. The king. The sheik. I think Saudi Arabia's got a king

that's all made up shite sex robot industry to Saudi Arabian royal family in one google link right the house of Saud Mohammed bin Saud

there you go I was close enough Mohammed bin Saud he's you know awkward yeah get a meeting with him go and live know awkward yeah get a meeting with him

go and live in the line get a meeting with him and be like look oh wait he was the founder sorry it's currently Salman bin

see I was closer Salman bin Abdul Laziz sorry for butchering that yeah I think you're allowed to though I'm just about yeah

just go and have a little meeting with him be like look love what you're doing with the place the line great Newcastle always raised them

as a club the Beheadens have got to stop yeah the Stone Salman come on lad Sal just call him Sal

Sal to his mates S-Dog come on S-Dog the big S lad you've got to stop

cutting people's heads off it's not good it's bad for business it's bad for people because they're dying yeah yeah but Adam we're here you know You've got to stop cutting people's heads off. It's not good. It's bad for business. It's bad for people. Yeah, yeah. Because they're dying. Yeah, yeah. But Adam, we had, you know, this is how we deal with crime.

Yeah, but you can deal with it in other ways. Okay. Make another line. Another line. Right. Yeah. I still, I might, I might, I want to say I might. Saudi Arabia, the whole of the Middle East.

How was it, by the way? You've just been to Abu Dhabi a bit of an odd place no because there's just nothing other than hotels

and an island did you go to the Grand Mosque no they went to the UFC yes I went to the Grand Mosque

when I went to Abu Dhabi the first time no second time. Did you really? Yeah. Fuck you were bored. You went to the Grand Mosque? Yeah, me and Brennan Rees.

Oh. Well, I'm pleasantly surprised. Yeah. It's massive. It deserves its name. It's grand. It's fucking big. Incredible.

There you go. Wow. Yeah, it looks looks nice I did like with all juice I was so self-conscious with like getting it dirty and whatever

do you know what I mean it's very white the building not the stuff lights up nicely doesn't it yeah

Matthew did you work on the did you work on the grandmas right so just culturally obviously you don't it's not like you were

there for a weekend to watch the UFC it's not like you immersed yourself in the I miss what was said I listen I missed exactly what was said

you heard it but I think it's better that I missed it and I try and plow forward what what like it must be warm still warm in October it was like 38 degrees I try and plough forward. It must be warm.

Still warm in October. It was like 38 degrees every day. No need to check the weather. Nice and autumnal. We were speaking to a couple of people because we went to Dubai for a day. We were going to do sandboard and quad biking, but we just didn't have time. Don't sandboard, you'll break your knee.

Trust me. But I can snowboard, so it's the same it's a whole different kettle of fish but we said to like a couple of people like oh we're gonna do this and we're like oh yeah it's fine you can do that because like in the summer you can't it's 50 degrees and like they moved there a few years ago so like oh yeah we'd be able to do it because it's not that warm now i mean which means 40 degrees yeah which used to be it's fine yeah this is the temperature where you can go outside and not die yeah but even then you've got to like drink gallons of water yeah yeah i did for i did forces gigs and um oh my oh man in the summer was the worst

one it was just almost uninhabitable you're like I don't think people are meant to be here, mate. But I got Bahrain in November a few times. Oh, that is lovely. I've done Dubai in November. That was the best I've done it. Yeah, if it was a few weeks after, like start of November or mid-November, it would have been great.

Dubai in August, would not recommend. How was the UFC? How was Sugar Sean O'Malley? Great. He won. Yay! Convincingly as well. Convincing win.

Unanimously split decision. And Khabib's mate beat Oliveira. Yeah, it went off when he won Islam. Yeah, because they're all Muslim out there, aren't they? They are. So, they're a boy. Yeah, it was good all Muslim out there, aren't they? Yeah. So, they're both. Yeah, it was good. The prelims went great.

We expect them to be better, but the three that everyone went to see, it was incredible. And where was it? Was it a hotel at their big conference centre? What was it in? It was in a hotel. A hotel's in the room.

Mate, I stayed in a hotel in Dubai that had a tennis court out the back with stands. Like, it was the complex i don't mean in the you know it's not like room 212 ufc okay just the hotel it's all hotels in it yeah so it was on yaz island etihad arena it's like 18 000 capacity you had loads of stuff around that you've got bars restaurants uh very nice atmosphere who was there who was in the stands was it a lot of hasbro was there six nine was there which was mad loads of locals i mean was the yeah i saw steve harvey was there yeah on his phone steve harvey was there just being all cool and black and old steve har Steve Harvey is a cool old black guy.

Yeah, he is. Steve Harvey is, you watch clips of him on Instagram because I've seen, like he's done Kings of Comedy and I always loved the old Bernie Mac stuff. And he's obviously a legend and everything, but he's gone very mainstream, hasn't he?

Like the Q Pine clip. He really hams it up what what but there is a but he really leans in because he's he's mr saturday night isn't he basically but there are some fucking great clips of steve harvey i've seen those um the two guys who are african american and they've got like they bring they've started some sort of like restaurant and they bring in they bring in some stuff for steve to try and it's it's a really genuine moment when he's like oh yeah there's a this is like deep fried collard greens he's like boy shut the he doesn't say shut the hell up and he eats some something with like collard greens in and he like literally starts rocking he's like oh i'm having a black ass moment right now Really funny I love watching the

Bits where he melts down on Family Feud It's my favourite thing to like Watch on YouTube is him Just like someone saying something stupid On Family Feud As an answer it's so funny Yeah Name something that you

A burglar doesn't want to see when they bring in Naked Grandma It's his reaction Don't it it's so good Name something that a burglar doesn't want to see when they bring in a naked grandma. It's his reaction, don't it? It's so good. He's a bit cheesy. I feel like he talks about his wealth and his success a lot. Like, it's a very American thing to be like,

let me tell you about when I started doing well and what property I bought. And over here, I mean, we've had some absolute, very wealthy people on our couch you never talk about stuff like that jimmy did yeah i was just about to say oh yeah i suppose so i suppose so but not until like i haven't talked yeah on podcasting's a bit more candid isn't it and like yeah like steve harvey talks about it on fucking national television it's just a cultural thing, isn't it? Try and get Steve Harvey on the pod, he'd be great.

Yeah, it'd be quite a get, wouldn't it? So, just good sex robots, yeah? Book Steve Harvey, get a sex robot. What was the question? What was the question? What would you get a robot to do for you? Oh, right, okay. Move to Saudi Arabia.

They can have him. Shall we do some advice? Always. Okay. This is from Chris Hutchins. Shout out, Chris Hutchins. I'm really enjoying the purple storm. Can we get some more cans?

I know I said I wasn't asked, but I do actually like the Sneak cans. What flavour is it? It's Knock Off Vimto. Purple Storm. They're not allowed to call it Vimto, but it's Knock Off Vimto. I use code WORD10. Sneak.

That was good, wasn't it? Sneak. One S, one N. One E. One A. Sne E. One A. Sneak. One K. Sneak.

They're Christian ministers. If you want to pray faster, you sneak. A lot of Christian ministers do sneak. Oh. Okey doke. Chris Hutchins says,

Morning Lids. I need a bit of advice. Well, actually, an idea. Me and my brother, Tom, both £10 patrons for a long time, have tried and failed to start many businesses. Selling gear property maintenance and the crown jewel which

our mates love to remind us about the time we ordered a crate of rubber fannies about 10 years ago we saw that we could buy fleshlights from china for about four pound a piece and that they were selling for around 60 quid over here so we ordered somewhere in the region of 300 fleshlights they turned up about two months later in a giant box and they were the cheapest nastiest rubber

vagines you'd ever seen why would you order 300 like straight away and not just get like a few oh you need a sample fanny yeah fact

I think that's something I saw Steve Harvey talk about we couldn't gotta get yourself a sample fanny first that's Steve Harvey ohvey oh i'm steve fucking harvey um we couldn't sell them no one wanted them we found no use for them apart from a few secret

santa presents and the one time i sent a load of them to the office of that boss that sacked me fully knowing parcels were signed for in the middle of the sales floor and we'd have to sign for the 10 branded boxes of them in front of 50 plus people it was worth the initial investment to picture the look on his face swat basically what i'm asking is i've got umpteen oh can i just say first ever use of umpteen i'll have a word phenomenal chris butchins love a bit of Upteen I have got Upteen 10 year old disintegrating fleshlights

in black bags in my dad's attic what should I do with them it feels like a wasted opportunity to just throw them in the bin

also once I went up the attic to get some for a secret put my foot through the floor stroke ceiling

and it rained fleshlights down onto my unsuspecting family lots of love chris p.s the manufacturing for me prior to purchase that they can be battery operated and are also dishwasher safe to clean after use so chris has a forkload umpteen of fleshlights i love james acaster's joke about the word umpteen. He goes, umpteen, sounds big,

but it's in the teens. He's so good at it. Now, it's only because it's just in my head, but we are doing an art installation and modern art uses stuff like this. Chris, I will pay.

We will? We'll have a word? I will pay for the packaging. Could you post me all your fannies? Sculptures. All of them? Are you going to make a big fanny thing? Make it look like a cock made out of fannies wow yeah fleshlight looks quite

phallic anyway doesn't it it's like a tube isn't it and then with a little like take the little you can take the pussy out the fucking thing take the pussy out the torch you can take the pussy um so i would like them i'll pay i'll pay for the i'll pay for the packaging. Okay. Packaging. And we'll send them over. We'll send, not my house. Oh, no, they've got to go to yours. No.

No, they've got to go to yours. Oh, because my fucking garage is absolutely jammed with merch at the moment. I don't have room for 300 funnies. Oh, my God. Get them delivered

to your neighbor who's a gobshite. What's his name? Martin. That's him. He'd know. He'd know. He'd know. He knows who he's in a feud with.

If he gets 300 fannies, he's just going to put them on my drive. And then you can go, what are you doing with your fucking... You can literally shout at him because he doesn't know it was you. Just send one a day. Martin!

Get your pussies off me lawn! Never been said. One a day for 300 days. Oh, that is so much better than all at once. Just one a day for 300 days. That's a lot of responsibility on Chris Hutchins, isn't it?

Yeah, but I think Chris Hutchins... For the next 300 days, could you post... He's a 10-pound patron. He loves this. I'm telling you right now, he'd be on board with sending one yeah but I think for the next 300 days he's a 10 pound patron he loves this I'm telling you right now he'd be on board with sending one of them

a day for the rest of the year and well into next year send me your vaginas I'm going to do something with them my art installation I'm going to do

two pieces painting with the gooch and the flesh and the fleshlights sculpture is that a band the fleshlight sculpture painting with the gooch and the flesh sculpture painting with the gooch and the flesh

lights painting with the gooch and the flesh lights mercury nominated yeah they're amazing um yeah so is that right yeah sure we'll have them i think i think chris hutchins knew full well that we were going to take the flesh lights when he wrote in yeah i think he i think he's had an argument with someone and they've gone, you're going to have to do something with these flashlights. He's gone, do you know what?

I'll send one email. Exactly. Yeah. It's not going to be like eBay where we're collection only. I do need them posted. Yeah. But I'll cover it.

FedEx your fans. FedEx where he is. I'll go and pick them up if he's like local. Oh yeah, cool. I could fit 300 pussies in my Range Rover. That's how they sold it to you.

Big boot. Can get 300 pussies in it. Good. My old car could only fit 200. Fuck you, Kia. Not even trying. Can we have a break? I'm starving.

I'm starving. I'm starving. All this talk of fleshlights. Yeah. Are you talking about my favourite meal? We'll see. What's happening, everyone? It's time to tell you about our sponsor,

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Cork Dublin and Dundalk second half Dublin and Dundalk. Second half. And we've only gone and booked a bloody legend. It's Alfred J. Brown. Hi, everybody.

Thanks for having me. Wow. It's such a pleasure to be here in your new studio. What an imposing and beautiful space. Yeah, fucking freak Doug Stanhope out. Yeah. And it takes a lot. The mushrooms didn't know.

What was he on? Space kick. Edibles. Space kick? Had he smoked a marijuana cigarette? A disco tab? They are called space kicks. We're going to have space kicks in Amsterdam, aren't we? I think when we go to Amsterdam,

I'm going purely mushroom. I don't like the weed. Oh, no, I'm getting absolutely potted off me to us. No, you don't want to do... Smoke the drugs. Don't eat the drugs. This whole misconception about it's great to have... First of all, edible's a stupid word

because we even went for lunch. You had edibles, yeah. They were... Because that's why we're not being sick let's just show off for edible drugs isn't it well yeah but it's not it's like this it's the same as the abbreviation dis like it's like this can mean anything like this is the front of so many words not just disrespect it's stupid isn't it um do you know what i think yeah that's a good point i couldn't tell whether you were looking at me as if to go no it's just i'm you know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point I couldn't tell With you looking at me As if to go

No, I was just I'm, you know I'm full of burger But you're right You're absolutely right Diss Like, are you dissing my bitch? What do you mean?

Am I diss Disorganising Disorganising You know The town of Yeah, I get it Yeah Who is diss?

The town I think it's Somerset Is my guess Do you think? That is my guess Is it High School? Or is it's Somerset, is my guess. Do you think? That is my guess. Is it in Highswick or is it near? Somewhere far me. Dis is in, everyone.

Norfolk. Norfolk. So it's not near Datchet, where there was once a comedy night called Datchet Crazy. You're kidding. Yeah, I'm kidding. I might start one though. I believe that

100% yeah when we go to Amsterdam I'm doing everything everything yeah I think you're going brothel hopping

no so you're not doing everything you know but yeah no don't it's moral isn't it yeah yeah

I won't you know I'll kiss a prostitute but I won't have sex with them i'll take it out to dinner do you know get out the window come on get out the window you break it for them yeah it is quite startling when you're walking down the street and you see a nice woman in a shop window going do you want to buy this? And then when,

if they, especially if it's like Sainsbury's. Yeah. What are you doing in the nationwide? Make a deposit. Yeah. I, um, and also you've got to put a condom on if you want your cock sucked.

I mean, yeah. Yeah. I just would, I just would chance my arm having a blowjob in the, in the, in the, like a free range blowjob. Out in the fields. Out in the kind of organic landscape of where blowjobs happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that you don't have to put on, I think a condom would go, it's not worth the money, is it? I think, I'm sure,

listen, I've never been. Okay. But if you take enough Euro spendies, I think you could broker some agreement where it gets all a bit horrible. Couldn't you? Yeah, maybe, yeah. I mean, whatever that price is.

Yeah, I think it's negotiable, innit? It's like condom or, you know, talk to me. Or a multi-pack of like jam wagon wheels as well as the 80 euros. Can we go free range? Yeah, original wagon wheels that have somehow been preserved, like original size,

not these new smaller wagon wheels. Oh no, you want the full... Yeah, yeah. It used to be impressive if you could get a whole one in your mouth without breaking it in half. But now, any old... It's not even a challenge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids can do that. And if she's a decent sex worker pop the whole thing in yeah any sex worker worth their salt or jam filled

wagon wheels pack of shit yeah I love the idea of a free range sex worker in Amsterdam oh you want free range you know

you have to go out of town go into the fields yeah they're fast though you'll have to chase them down that was weird we have like to chase them down yeah you know spent a

bit of time in Butel and now I'm back in Amsterdam it's fair Giovante

it's a phenomenal impression we go abroad we go to and we

get a good price for oh no I was doing

I think I was doing my Norwegian that's more my

Norwegian that is good uh narrow the only norwegian i can do is daniel simonsen oh yeah comedian daniel simonsen who has this weird norwegian accent because he learned the english watching the ali j so it is a norwegian that learned the english from the ali j that is a Norwegian That learned English From the allergy That is a fucking brilliant Daniel Simonson impression Hey Enjoy it

Listen Which is the advert That you do To do Dutch Stop Stop She's not ready Oh yeah

The Grolsch advert From back in the day Grolsch yes Stop Horrendous beer Really truly Horrendous lager Not a good one

Yeah I go to Austin Powers Gold member Smoking a pancakemoke and a pancake Yeah Schmoke and a pancake Schganer waffle

Hollandaise So when we go to Amsterdam Are you just going to have a bit of mushroom Some shrooms I'm not going to do any other drugs I promise But I don't like promise but I don't like I don't like weed

and I don't like what it does to me it doesn't make me feel more fun and happy neither do I however mushrooms is loads of fun and they've got loads

of mushrooms over there plus we're there with the Mild High Club Dean Coghlan and Amy Lee Owens who we love very much check out their podcast they're our faves

and because they do it, I know I'll have a little mushroom buddy. Yeah. I'm doing everything. I'm doing crack. Yeah. The crack cafes. I'm not sure that's a Holland thing.

The crack cafes. I'm not sure they've got... Next to the horse Ainsbury's is the crack cafe. Yeah? Would you like a cup of tea and a bit of crack? Are you Norwegian? Yeah, I forgot how to do Dutch. We got into the coffee shop and we

smoked our crack, babes. Pussy. Don't be a pussy. You can do anything there, can't you? What? You can do anything you want. Do you think it's the Badlands? You could do them all at once as well.

Oh, yeah, you could fuck them. You could be igniting the glass bulb of a crack pipe whilst your bulb is resting on a gleeful sex worker's tongue bulbs akimbo do you want to tulip i'm going big i'm in all reality i'm just gonna do the waste mushrooms and just let you film it see what happens bad choice Bad choice. Do the best ones. Yeah. That's what I'd do. Go to the Tulip Museum, high on mushrooms, get a big piece of apple

pie from Winkle 43. Best apple pie in town. Did you just do an apple pie recommendation in Amsterdam? God, you've travelled, sir. Oh, you're in Amsterdam? Which side? South side? Try Winkles. Apparently the zoo's good. The zoo's brilliant. Apparently going to the zoo on mushrooms in Amsterdam is side south side try Winkles apparently the zoo's good the zoo's brilliant

the zoo apparently going to the zoo on mushrooms in Amsterdam is like an experience I've done yes please it's great

it's great yes please yeah yeah Chester Zoo when you're sleep deprived and full of caffeine not as fun

wanna go Amsterdam with no kids be fun to try and spot which are the real animals and which are the ones your mushroom brain is inventing for you. Cool. Is that what mushrooms do?

Does it invent animals for you? They hallucinate, yes. Like wildlife. But if you've also had heroin, crack, cocaine, and all the other stuff that Adam's going to find at the worst cafe in human history. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I just have the smokers?

Can I have the, like a fucking mixed platter? Can I get everything? This is meant for two? Fuck that. Love it all. Can I have some halloumi bites as a side? I think you're going to go to the zoo. Cracking halloumi.

They're both Moorish. Yeah, you're going to see more than animals at the zoo. I think you're going to find Anne Frank at that zoo. I think we should go to Anne Frank's house and play hide and seek and see if they'll let us hide for a couple of hours. That'd be funny as fuck. Come on. I know it's insensitive, but it'll be funny,

and that's what we've built it on. I'm telling you right now I will do all number of intoxicants in most places in Amsterdam I'll go down

42 Winkle Street get some pie I am not getting high I'm going to Anne Frank's house with him or Carl

Carl asked me in the New Camp press room if the allegations were true, am I a paedophile? In front of a Barcelona FC press officer, tour guide,

and a lot of international children. I'm not going with these two I know he's not here no way no way we're going to Anne Frank's house of course we are

as soon as you see the queue outside you are not going to Anne Frank's house no I'm gonna I'm gonna get Steve to email him in advance and see if we can

just hide it for the day Carl I'll have this he'll just be going round Anne Frank's house going fuck it up I think someone's been really well hidden

fuck it up done well there lad with Adam on crack oh careful oh be cordial so you've spent some time in Amsterdam I have in the pie district a lot of people go for the red light district

yeah no I was in the pie uh emporium uh it's a great party yeah the whipped cream on the pie big chunks of apple lovely pastry it's a good pie place tulip museum canals uh rudeness what's the tulip museum dangerous cyclists well just so many that they become dangerous it's like it's not like um you know they are inherently dangerous it's like ants you know one by themselves fine but you know don't fuck with 10 000 if you bury yourself and you know pour honey on your head they'll eat through your brain you'll die um old family saying we were never known for our snappiest sayings in my family, but they had a sense of foreboding to them

that really kept you on your toes as a child. Yeah, no, I've been to Amsterdam, but I've never done any of the things that you would do. I've never been to Anne Frank's house. I went to go and see a Rembrandt exhibition once. Yeah, I think... The band. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Rembrandts, they're from Holland. The Rembrandts had a side hustle as well of portraiture and what the Rembrandts would do after they sang the song because, of course, they only had that one hit. And whilst the PRS was good, they didn't have other tunes that they would do it.

So they... Oh, well, maybe it's quite normal to do some portraiture. Some portraits that we can do. If you are a businessman, we can do the business portraits. That's very normal for us to paint people and sing a song. I'll be there for you because you're there for me too. And I'll paint you. It's like, we have like a poly not glotch but of course we are polyglots I'm speaking in English but of course I'm Dutch so I'm polyglots and polymath

that's the word I was searching for sorry I'm obviously a polyglot it's not my first language anyway we paint and what the Rembrandts would do is they would paint the businessmen and paint them very unfavourably and then the businessmen would go look you've not made me look very nice.

And then the Rembrandt would say, yes, I've painted your soul. You have a bad soul. And then he didn't make any money and died. Is that what he did? Yeah. Rembrandt. When he got commissioned, he just went,

yeah, you're a cunt. And he would paint them as cunts. And then they would say, why have you painted me as a cunt? And then he'd go, I've painted your soul. And he'd already been paid well he stopped getting work right

nobody wanted to have themselves exposed oh Remy could you paint my cunty soul yeah he's a good lad and of course a talented shinger shong

right there have you done the have you done the drugs you're not really a drug guy are you never done drugs in my entire life

oh no the chain yeah you've never done anything have you nope anything even in even in Amsterdam

you've done all the things but not the things I have smoked a helping of drugs before one helping a pinch of drugs just a little

a knob of drugs just a knob I'm like you I didn't like it it makes my heart go all bananas and makes me think it's going to kind of uh explode and uh i'd much i don't understand the benefit of it beyond like what it provides for you that maybe you just haven't found the drug for you yet though maybe like you need to

try them because well as the poor podcast foremost crack advocate um maybe you could recommend to me i've never tried crack i'm just i'm open to it do you mean yeah i'm very open i've got a very open soul like if he if he painted me it should be an open door that leads to what what that leads to what what's beyond you don't know until you go through it right and it's been painted so you can't yeah it's the perfect crime in a way uh i okay yeah have you ever you've never done drugs either um i've done two drugs oh yeah i've done a i've done the pot two portions of drugs on some pot yeah i got absolutely potted off me twice in loretta marr and then went paragliding which is a sentence that shouldn't be real but is potted off his twat yeah

yeah he was high with a CBD cigar CBD cigar yeah it wasn't there wasn't any THC in it was there

was there no no I just thought that was weird yeah but your joints didn't hurt for a bit yeah it's the same thing yeah

I was potted off my twat and it helped my arthritis. I thought I was stoned. No. Maybe a bit pissed off all the sangria. I think you had two jugs of sangria. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was that.

Yeah. Maybe it was that. This pot, it makes me feel a little wobbly, but like confident. I've lost my inhibitions. I can't walk straight. Pot and two litres of sangria

bought from a knock-off Spanish Aldi I didn't know that that didn't I thought that had loads of weed didn't it no no we couldn't find any

we did look for some but it was no it was just CBD it would have it would have chilled you out a little bit it would have just made you a bit sleepy

CBD's bollocks isn't it it's just absolute you've got to have a lot no it is not it's the code word 20 at orange county cbd not if you're in loret de mor if honestly if you were parted off your twat with a cbd cigar imagine what actual fucking weed is going to do when i've i've had weed before in another circumstance and i didn't enjoy it and i've done uh i've done some of the old uh snoot beak bag the the uh you know the shite i've been on the shite yes i love that the shite yeah yeah no i've never done that it was offered to me when i was a teenager by my elder brothers but matt if you

want to like uh do it like you're obviously going to do drugs at one point so like it's like better that you do it in like our presence like where we can look after you and they were so boring and they're both dead though which is uh well no but like you know yeah anyway um sorry i was just joking i was like oh that didn't go down yeah yeah yeah and i was always put off the idea because they were so incredibly like intolerable uh by dint of all these drugs that they were taking. It doesn't suit everybody, I don't think. No, that's very true. What I would say about Amsterdam is

the idea of getting off your fucking barnet in a foreign city when you have to stay in a hotel. I like getting bollocks and being close to home so I can go, that's the end of that. We're going for a Patreon special, aren't we? You're doing exactly what I do. I like getting bollocks and being close to home so I can go, yeah, that's the end of that. It's not going to make good footage. We're going for a Patreon special, aren't we?

You're doing exactly what I do. We're getting all of the mushrooms. We're walking into a cafe and go, want your entire stock. And me and you are doing it. On the business card. Yeah. Pow.

Also, everyone else there is off the cake as well. So that's kind of a group. Yeah, I suppose so. Part of everybody who lives there, who's looking at you,'s like that you being stoned is like you know me watching somebody take a photo of a beefeater and it's the it's the it's the tourist thing they don't you know no they don't really they're not asked about the drugs they just see it as a good way to generate income from tour yeah there's a bit of the city centre that is very touristy. You don't have to go far

to feel like quite a nice European city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you go down the road to the cafes for locals or the coffee shops for locals that sell weed to local people are nothing like the ones in the centre of town that are all these kind of luminous cartoon nightmares with antsy dutch women you

know shoving you know you get weed and they put the smoke the weed smoke in a bag then you inhale the bag and then the woman you know that's all we want to go that's all we want to go right dirty filthy ones we can go to the nice ones yeah that's not it's not gonna be as fun is it gotta go to red light district as well got to go there to be as fun, is it? Got to go to the red light district as well. Got to go there. I'm going to see if I can get a prostitute to fall in love with me. Yeah.

How are you going to do that? What would you do to entice? Charm. You could do like, if she's in the window of Santander, you could be like, you could do like, you know when like daughters go to visit

their dads in prison and they put their hands on the glass, you could put like you know when like daughters go to visit their dads in prison yes and they put their hands on the glass you could put your hand on the glass and you could

that's the only contact you need hello I've been waiting so long for this like tenderness through the glass through the

the pain of the window you know mirroring the pain of my soul and you could go yeah I've always understood

I've always loved you I've been looking for you for ages I'm so sorry a'r goll i'w llyfru. Ac allwch chi ddweud, Yn unig, rwyf wedi deall, rwyf wedi hoffi eich bod chi. Rwyf wedi chwilio am chi am oed. Rwy'n ddigon siŵr nad ydw i'n deall chi. Rwy'n deall chi hefyd. Mae gennym ni ddau... Mae gennym ni ddau s-o'n gwahanol llefydd. Ie, mae gennym ni ddau pethau tebyg. Ond rwy'n craidd.

Rwy'n cwmio. Mae fy ngwm yn gweithio. Rwy'n gwybod y gallaf weld. Me tongue's bleeding. I know I can see. What's it to? Should have said that bit. I'll save you. I'll save you. I'll take you back to Dovey. How much do you earn a year?

240,000 euros. Fuck off. Because I got some great ass. I've always wanted to see Norwich Green. Take me there. How much do they earn do you think uh a sex worker it's like a banker working in the city in it surely well the um the the the uh the the the the girl in um in bruges says that she moved to Bruges because she gets a better price for her pussy in Bruges.

So that might be market saturation in Amsterdam. Especially when I'm around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the smart hookers have gone to Delft, haven't they? Adam's jizzed in the market. More towels! Adam's crashed the flange economy again

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, average evening evening yeah yeah but that's like average innit so there'll be like there'll be nights where they have like gangbangs

and that way we'll get more 600 euros a night yeah so what you working five nights a week six nights a week

three and a half grand a week 150 160 170,000 euros depends how much time you take off you know what I mean

depends on holidays it off you like people on an oil rig right now I go back to who tricked to my cottage I was thinking of Fortnite. Fucking hell. It's good money though, isn't it? It's not bad. Right, now I go back to Utrecht, to my cottage, and have a nice two weeks off to relax, recuperate, and convalesce from the syphilis, which is a hard word to say and a hard thing to suffer with.

Syphilis? Four S's. Syphilis? Oh, no. How am I going to explain this? No, no. How am I going to explain this? No, literally, how am I going to explain this? I can't say it. Such a vintage STD. You ever had an STD?

Yeah. Have you? Yeah. What's the draft? Full blow. That's what survivors call it. I'm an FBA. I've had a...

They... It was... It was a plasma. What? A plasma. They basically went... Was it a Ghostbusters problem? Yeah.

They said, I had an infl... I had an inflamed Sony. I had an inflamed I had an inflamed Sony I had an inflamed cum pipe yeah what I've told you this

before I know but I think I've blocked it out did you have acid say what the doctor said because he didn't say lads

you've got an inflamed cum pipe fuck I know I'm gonna I'm gonna have to Gavis gone down your oh sorry sorry sorry you're right fuck I know I'm gonna I'm gonna have to Gavis gone down your oh

sorry sorry sorry you're right yeah yeah yeah sorry call it a rue hole come on

a piss hole sorry my bad that's a bad one that's just from childhood I'm sorry erm could you bleep that

everyone knows what I said But just Yeah so You're a fiery cumpipe Great band Fiery cumpipe Great band Have you seen them live?

They broke up last year Oh did they? If Burnout. If you have too many orgasms back to back. Shut the fuck up. Oh, God. If your dick gets squirted on too much.

Backdraft. I'm not even messing. I'm not messing. You can cum too much I know This isn't like me Trying to be impressive Cumming loads is not A skill is it

It's dehydrating But like The pipe that carries it for you You know It gets like overworked. It's like you've pulled your hamstring. You try and run too much. And I had that

because I was... It's just halfway through a shack. Oh, he's pulled up. Oh, that's four to five. Four to five weeks. Oh, that's a shame there. He's inflamed his roo hole. Yeah, Mr. Wellcome.

Because you're a fiery cum pipe yeah is it a UTI no it's a different thing it's an inflamed cum pipe yeah

that's literally what the doctor said it was he said well what she said it was she went the pipe that carries your semen is inflamed

and I translated that have you ever had an sti yeah no but i have yeah no but it's because i came too many times you know because so many different women were begging me like please adam fuck me i can't do without you know you've never tried crack well i've never tried crack but i've tried your dick and it's the same thing you little bit of fucking roweater there's a problem with people who have dicks that are too big Gath

they give me dicks that are a bit too big when I get an election it actually goes into a different postcode yeah your cum pipe which is under the channel

I'm telling you the truth I'm telling you the truth I'm telling you the truth that's not an STI babe you just had a sore knob it wasn't me knob it was it was the innards of your knob

where's your cum pipe under your elbow like it felt like I'd pulled me groin but it wasn't oh right yeah

that's not where your cum is is it in your groin yeah it is yeah yeah yeah Adam's got so much cum it's in his thighs yeah yeah yeah have you ever seen people who do loads of like squats and they get that's just when adam's not at a wank your cum comes up your balls and through and into your car via your thigh no i know what you mean Okay yeah yeah Nice lovely Everything I'm telling you is the truth

I don't lie I do I'm not lying though Okay I've had a bit of clemeds Yeah Clear it up with a little Oral

Pleasure Antibiotic Oh yeah yeah sorry yeah Oral antibiotic Yeah yeah Nice I've never had an STD But I've always

You give off the You give off the just general sort of vibe of a man who's lived many a life. You know, like, you've really got that thing, like, that sort of, you know, I don't know. And then it turns out you've never had an STI and you've never done drugs. But doesn't he, like, when...

You don't smoke, do you? Yeah. Oh, do you smoke? Yeah. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I smoke and I drink. I mean, the thing is that I'm like,

first of all, I've never had an STI, but I have had four children. And they are... The ultimate STI. They are... No answer by all six of them. I'm not saying there aren't risks to unprotected sex. I'm just saying I've never experienced any of the leaky dick.

My STDs are sentient. And are running around the house. Yeah, I don't have to send my STIs to uni. Oh, little chlamydia. You got insulfured. Well done. You'll fit in Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

So I mean I mean also Who knows I mean What are the symptoms Of chlamydia So Our phytic can go undetected

For many years Yeah Yeah I started speaking In a Welsh accent When I was 29. It's manifest. I just woke up one morning going, fucking hell, something feels weird.

I was like, babe, what's different about me? My girlfriend at the time was like, you're not Welsh. I was like, fucking hell. I got a clinic. Get myself tested, babe. I got to go to the gum clinic. I've been checked a few times this year because, you know, I had a couple of...

Because you've gone free range? You've been coming too much. Yeah. That wasn't this year, though. That was after the last breakup. There's been a few. Yeah, I got checked a couple of times this year

you weren't here when I told this story I told you it yesterday but while the while the nurse who was examining

me knob had me knob in her hand where in the SDI clinic oh right yeah go on she asked me

do you get recognised a lot when you walk around town and honestly for five minutes I had two belly buttons me cock just disappeared Yeah, go on. She asked me, do you get recognised a lot when you're walking around town? And honestly, for five minutes, I had two belly buttons. My cock just disappeared. Oh, my God. Just like, fucking hell, Adam.

I'm a £10 Patreon. Honestly, it's like seeing Nessie. I've heard so much about her. Can I take a selfie with your dick that is an inflamed cum pipe that have you seen Jamie Hutchison's dick the other night

you what what have you seen Jamie Hutchison's dick I can't I don't think that's a healthy looking dick it's wide

He strikes me as the sort of bloke Who's got an absolutely massive hood No he's It's a really wide He's got a dick like Do you know like Like an individual portion of beans No

What? One kidney bean What? No do you know like Like a tin of beans But like it's a third of the size of a normal one because it's like going to be one portion? Yeah.

His dick's like that. It's like a hockey puck. And what's mad is I'm the exact opposite. What are you like? I'm a bit thinner, but like, you like you know oh like that dildo in the hall yeah yeah yeah that i've i love i would love a cock like that but i'd have to fold mine in half um yeah one of them yeah well that's nice it's nice to nice to put a tin of beans to the cock sometimes, isn't it? Thank you for Googling that.

That was... I found that enlivening and enriching. Good old Jamie Hutchison. You seen any other comedians' dicks? Jimmy McGee's dick. Jimmy McGee? Jimmy McGicks? Jimmy McGee's dick. Jimmy McGee? Jimmy McGee. Jimmy McGee's dick.

Okay. Only because we showered together. Billy Connolly. You seen Billy Connolly's dick? Yeah. What was the occasion? I've been abused by Billy Connolly. Allegedly.

It was Red Nose Day. Oh, right. He got his dick out on TV. Oh. Oh. Oh, you're all looking at me like, oh, you had not seen it live. I thought you were watching Red Nose Day with Billy Connolly

and he just got his knob out. He quite famously got his knob out on television, I think. Yeah. A few times, isn't it? I noticed you're not Googling that. You're much quicker with the beans than you were with Billy Connolly's dick. No, Billy Connolly got his knob out on television I think yeah a few times isn't it I noticed you're not googling that you were much quicker with the beans

than you were with Billy Connolly's dick no Billy Connolly got his dick out yeah made all small dick men feel slightly better about themselves what was the question

we had about Jordan Grey Jordan Grey's dick we've seen that Jordan Grey yeah yeah there's lots of Billy Connolly naked on the internet

that's good yeah yeah so Jordan Grey who did very well Yeah, there's lots of Billy Connolly naked on the internet. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, so Jordan Gray, who did very well at Edinburgh this year. Yeah. She... Nominated for Best Show alongside one Alfie Brown. Alfie Clown. Maine?

Yeah. I wasn't surprised that you got nominated for Maine. I didn't realise that Jordan Gray got the big Perrier nom. Yes. Yeah, yeah. We were hanging out in the little Perrier nom. Yes. Yeah, yeah. We were hanging out in the little room of stuff. Yeah, she's great. Do you call it the Perrier or the Edinburgh Award?

I call it the Edinburgh Award. I just don't want to give up Perrier. I know it can be difficult, but... That's not what it's called. Well, look, now it's got loads of different names. I feel sorry for the people who won it when it was the If.Comedy Award. That was a bit crap.

Not good. Foster's fine. I don't know what it is now. Dave. Dave's Edinburgh Comedy Award. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that sounds just like the joke competition, though, doesn't it? Yeah.

Which is an equally valid and important prize. Which is a very important thing. Yeah. You know? That's the inflamed cum pipe of Edinburgh Awards in my experience. So Jordan Gray did brilliantly at Edinburgh and then she's got some TV. Yeah. And just last week got her cock out on, I love saying this,

got her cock out on television and played the keyboard. Yes. With her cock. What was the question, Mel mean the question is more about it's not really about jordan gray okay what is it um so someone has asked a question about it okay we'll get it out mate i don't know i haven't get it i haven't watched very nicely done i haven't watched the clip could you just talk me through what happened um i mean i probably she got it she got her cock out and played the keyboard with her.

Yeah, I had it. I pretty much had it. Yeah. What is Friday Night Live? Friday Night Live is Ben Elton's show from the 80s, which birthed the careers of people like Harry Enfield, Paul Whitehouse, Joe Brand, et cetera, et cetera. And it's come back because...

And Ben Elton is hosting it again again ben alton is still hosting it and uh the brilliant leo reich was on it and sam campbell was on it and jordan gray was on it and jordan gray who does you know comedy songs plays a piano uh who's wearing kind of purple uh onesie and then with grace and elegance uh removes the entire thing in one and then is uh naked and then plays the piano with her cock which may i add is you know this is a nice looking cock but uh and i appreciate that she probably had a lot of practice doing this bit wasn't the first time she'd done it but no you don't do a new bit playing piano with your cock on the telly well there must have been there must have been a first time yeah you know going down on a monday to do jokes at the oaks uh i'm just trying out some new stuff uh there must have been a first time so you know good for

her uh yeah uh it was uh it was it was it was uh yeah remarkable uh and and everybody's either everybody's got an opinion on it but it just doesn remarkable and everybody's either everybody's got an opinion on it but it just doesn't matter I haven't got an opinion on it that's all I just think it's dead good Miles says

love seeing the absolute gammon meltdown after that last got a dick out on channel 4 last week if you lot had to had to get your lad out

on television which show would you choose and which show would you least like to whip it out on least Coach Trip show would you choose and which show would you least like to whip it out on least coach trip most antiques roadshow they're not different enough to be like i know i know you can't i mean

you can't deny my truth monica the Glen. Just to be brought, the pilot episode of the reboot of Monica the Glen and you whip your dick out. Jack and Ori story, least. Least. Something special with Mr. Tumble, most. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, hello.

How are you? Yes. Na, na, na, na, na na na na giggle biz well um so yeah good question miles uh yeah it's a good question it's a really good question i'd like to maybe i could end a show that i don't enjoy i get my dick out i don't think it's quite the statement but you're doing it though. Oh. I think the statement with Jordan Gray, part of the reason to do it is that she is a trans person and she's like, I'm a woman and I've got a cock and fuck you,

you're just a man with a cock. Who can't play keyboard with his cock. Yeah. And I can. And I'm a woman with a cock. It's layered. Arguably more brave if I get my small dick out on TV though. You know? Because I'm a man with a cock, it's layered. Arguably more brave if I get my small dick out on TV, though.

You know? Because I'm a man with a small cock. My cock, with the anxiety of the idea of getting my cock out on TV, would, you know when you have, like, when, you know, your nurse says, you know, do you get recognised a lot? And, you know, whatever it is you said, never from this angle. Like, it would... It goes in.

It becomes all foreskin. It looks now like just like a, you know, a tiny little kind of a voles snout. Yeah. Don't fucking shoot back in the opportunity. Sorry? Sounds all right. Don't like shooting voles.

Anyway, it's a long story. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Fill me in, okay. Weirdly, when I get anxious, my dick gets bigger. No, it doesn't. That's why he's never anxious. Honestly, should have seen

the size of his dick. Istanbul, 2005. At halftime. Really? Like a kind of, you know, know an octopus like it's your defense mechanism like when poppies come on people and then move away from them uh great poppies spinach that's anxiety for me just yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah shall we have a break

and then I can start the rest of the questions yeah yeah alright a lot of dick chat inflamed cum pipe remember that one

how are you fatty I honestly pretty good today I've got 97% recovery it's not a coincidence that you've been in a good mood all day

and that's like that this is tracking my sleep it's letting me know when I'm ready to take on strain. So I've had a Fitbit before, but this Woot wearable is next level. I'm not messing about. Fitbits, when we use them, we just count it steps. And it's really rudimentary. This is next level.

It tells you about sleep, sleep recovery. And then when you're recovered, letting you know when you can then take on exercise and get fit and get healthier. I've been on the aisle for the last three nights and it knows. Does it? Yeah, because your recovery is like 8%. You wake up and it goes,

did you do something naughty? Yeah. Is it doing that voice? Did you do something naughty? This is your whoop. Yeah. It's going to have to be Roast and Bull. I'm going to have to do a comeback

for this fitness challenge because I am lagging behind at the minute. Well, I'm genuinely not going to win this challenge, but this whoop thing long-term is something I'm going to have to do a comeback for this fitness challenge because I am lagging behind at the minute. Well, I'm genuinely not going to win this challenge, but this Whoop thing long-term is something I'm going to keep and use. I've had mates messaging me asking me what it's like. I think it's excellent. I'm a big fan of the Whoop wearable. Beyond the challenge.

If you want to join up with us, you can. Still time. Go to join.whoop.com slash have a word. That's how they know that we sent you you get a free month of whoop membership thanks to the have a way podcast uh it'll get you started for zero pounds and you get a 30 day return window so it's literally time for you by no risk for you try it see how good it is see how much you like it and once you've joined you can join our group by inputting the following code C-O-M-M-H-V-A-W-R-D

that's our community group and you can see just how bad I'm doing at the minute just how good Dan's doing Carl's quite alright because he's in Venice Steve's probably sound

you can compare with us and all the other lads who've joined today I feel my boobs see if they're smaller think they're smaller yeah it's like Carl's mad I hate that that was tender You can compare with us and all the other lids we've joined. Feel my boobs, see if they're smaller. Think they're smaller? Yeah.

It's like Carl's Marley. I hate they're that. That was tender. Whoop. Oh my God, we're back with part four. Speed round. Oh. Wrong button.

Speed round. Mama like that. Mama like that. Speed round round keep pressing the wrong buttons you won't wear headphones you miss out speed round you gotta go fast you twat actually I started wearing headphones now

be weird I don't know how you do it that's just so much better with Dan Bowne says what's the worst joke you've come up with in your career? Alfie Brown, he actually put that at the end of his question and he hadn't even known that you were on. He just wanted to ask you that. Apparently there's an old woman going around town with an elongated flap of skin hanging from her coccyx.

Some people think it's true. I think it's just an old wife's tail. And there you go. That's the answer to the question. As quickly as I could muster it. What was mine? Something about Muslims coming over here, stealing our mosques. It was so shit.

No, that sounds great. No, it was bad. It was bad. I remember I told it to John Robbins once, and he looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. Yeah, just the shit that you come up with when you're starting out and you don't know what you are.

It was just jokes. It was just the crappiest jokes. I was at the Hyena in Newcastle and every weekend I'd watch three new comedians and then that week my ideas would be a weird crappy photocopy of their style yeah oh yeah

so if someone came and did like puns I'd just be thinking of puns which I've never been good at or enjoyed did you ever do them on stage? I'd fucking love to see Dan

the one liner pun comedian you know I could I no I don't think I'd ever how old were you? erm

this was nine 2002 so I was 41 48 No, I don't think I'd ever... How old were you? This was 2002. 41. 48. 20, 21 when I started? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I tried to do one-liners.

I was very joke-heavy at the start, but they were all absolute fire. I can't really answer this. Guys, have you ever had a dick that's so big? Hear me out. What's another one I tried to write? Club Tropicana drinks are free. There's no way to run a business.

She wrote that down. That'll fly. Where does that even go in my like it's so mental how i'd love to get old notebooks out i've i've i've got them all piled up because we did that as a little section for a while remember i so there's two sections i would like to bring back that for patreon records to just go through because we did it in the lockdown when we were literally we were looking each other six times we go let's change it up a little bit and i you know as i was cleaning out the runcorn studio today down the back of the car of the wooden boxing in i found three little strips of uh paper and one said australian and one said zimbabwean and one said an a job title i was like oh the acting challenge that was what we did on my first ever time i did yeah and you were

brilliant isham was amazing at it i'd like i think we should bring a version i always loved that you you wanted to park it after a while because you thought it got a bit stale no it's not that i think i think I think sometimes we went a bit too convoluted too early with it so we'd come up with a job description an accent

and a situation and then you'd be like yeah and they've just lost their mum to a car crash and you could see the guests going it's too much

so I like I want to do it but if we just do like an accent and a job and then let them let the guests try it and then we can throw a situation out there because we were literally like pulling out yeah and you miss your father who died at sea in a fishing accident weirdly he was a lawyer go so i'd like to bring that back yeah that was good fun i remember enjoying that a

lot yeah um so we'll bring the we'll whip out the notebooks I know where they all are okay thinking about burning them you can do it now if you want I'll do the acting now if you want

you can all just pick one thing and I'll just zoologist zoologist where's he from Finn Texas woo alright zoologist from Texas he's got Texas Woo!

Zoologist from Texas He's got to be in some sort of pedal He's He's Lost his vehicle registration document And he needs to Transfer ownership immediately Yeah, he's been stolen by monkeys That's one of the

Downfalls v5 around baboons be careful they're trying to uh erect their own abseiling equipment uh to go around the pennant uh with the vehicle registration document and he's worried that if he tries to get it back they're gonna savage him like they did his children. See? See what I mean? Every time. Keep it simple. There has to be some reason. We end up with dead someone.

So the V5 has been nicked by monkeys. And he's in peril because he misses his children who burnt in a fire. Go. Woo! I miss my kids and my V5. Damn. I need to change ownership of my vehicle. And also, damn,

I wish my kids hadn't died in that fire. Woo. I got no need for this Renault Espace anymore. Now the family gone. Tell you what, that's one way to learn. I can downsize to a Fiat 500 now. Y'all never give matches to a monkey.

I learned that the hard way. Woo! Woo, I don't know why I keep doing that. I shouldn't be happy. I'm lonely. My wife left me because of the burnt children. Woo! At least I still got my monkeys.

Arson is fucked. You did it for me. Yeah, I reckon we could bring that one back. Larry says, I was at Dan's tour show last week in Manchester. It was absolutely class, by the way. But Dan found a vape pen on stage and had a blast on it, which I thought was very funny,

as did a lot of the lids. But my missus said it was rank. What are... Yeah, I did. There was a little vape pen on the stage and I picked it up and it was a cola vape pen. the stage and I picked it up and it was a cola vape pen and I didn't

she sounds bored and as fuck and I and I didn't know they did cola vape pens and I think please don't tell Carl

I want to get on the vapes no no me and Wilk are going on smoking breaks what's the backstory with people's opinion

about vaping what it just looks fucking stupid oh Carl oh he's so anti-vape okay he hates vapists yeah okay i'm a vape apologist uh yeah yeah i've always thought that about you um and i uh yeah i yeah i don't mind it i think it's a it's a you know the little jewels and the i don't

like the non-recyclable ones it's a mad kind of uh use of plastic but uh you know they're they're great uh it's when they you get the huge canisters and people have these like dragon nostrils kind of vibes that's that's when it gets like to be a problem yeah they look a bit you can't start vaping it's like warhammer for grown-ups like you know the the kind of advent of the of the vape 41 you're not why is that it i have it on me why is that the one yeah this is the one you picked up off the floor and kept it yeah that is no it was on the stage it wasn't on the floor the stage is a floor though isn't it that sounds philosophical every stage all the stage is a flaw and all the floor is a stage the sky is your limit but podcasting is where it's really at um he says my missus said it was rank

what are the little things that you're not asked about that others find disgusting mine's the three second rule for drop food if i'm honest my rule is more like 15 seconds, 30 seconds if I'm really hungry. What are the little things that people are appalled by? What is it taking 30 seconds to pickle? 30 seconds is a long time to be staring at the pie you've dropped.

I think it might have been exaggerated for comedic effect, so cheers Larry. Good, cool. Thanks. Poor old for comedic effect so cheers Larry good cool thanks cheers poor old Larry like I'm slow to bend down pissing in the shower I don't care what anyone thinks

I really like it yeah that's normal though isn't it pissing in the sink not arsed I piss in the sink quite a lot in hotel rooms and stuff

yeah I piss in the sink a lot so much hotel rooms and stuff yeah i love pissing the sink a lot so much in a little chef i'm anti both of those things are you already pissing in the shower yeah i don't like it you little prude i'll lower your sink oh oh can we clip out alfie saying you little prude that nearly gave me an erection please do that again you little prude. Soundboard. I want it on the soundboard. We're going to get him to do smooth, won't we? Oh, well-remembered Finlay Cupboard Love. Could you, because we have a screech for when we just change direction too quickly and it's very obvious, but I want a drop for when someone does a lovely little bit of broadcast transition.

Okay. Could you? And we were like, who would do as a good smooth? And I believe... Mmm, smooth. One take! Oh, yes. The irony of that not being smooth.

Audio listeners, I've just made a prick of myself. What about using Other people's toothbrush No don't mind that I don't mind it As long as it's someone You'd be happy to neck You know what I mean

Like your missus Fine I don't want to use yours Nope That's fair If I use Laura's toothbrush It gets close to We don't argue

But I can She can get very angry very quick. Does she not fucking kiss you? It's the same thing, isn't it? It's exactly the same thing. Yeah, but you're not like trying to excavate, you know, people's cavities with your tongue, are you? You've got no idea how I fuck.

He's a pretty rough kisser. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Knock out a fucking sandpaper tongue like a cat getting rid of all the plaque on everybody's teeth

fucking hell babe you're a great kisser but can I tell you you've got a cavity on R12 mmm good side business for you the naughty dentist

let me lick those teeth for you I love kissing you Adam it's like a scale and polish that's another cartoon we can add to the series the naughty dentist I love kissing you, Adam. It's like a scale and polish. That's another cartoon. We can add to the series, the naughty dentist.

Okay, so Job, you're a naughty dentist. You're a naughty dentist and all your patients are dead and you're out of work. Where's the phones going? The doorbell's going. There's somebody at. Matthew, could you go

and let whoever that is in? And tell them to shut the fuck up cheers kid um what about same straw same straw if i was like i'll try that milkshake now again it's a straw it's just a toothbrush you can drink with you sit from the glass don't you never watch him drink the milkshake the merch makes itself doesn't it on this podcast I didn't drink any milkshake fucking rough no I'm pretty I think this might be a a partner thing this might be

yeah if you offer me a bit of your drink and there's a straw in it you sip from the glass so that I've just done it from the glass yeah there's not loads of difference really it's just there is though

because your lip hasn't touched the same bit what if you then kiss that's down if someone you'd kiss you can have whatever alright we should kiss

um right now there um yeah I think it's just you know i think it's just i think this sounds that's how you drop it imagine the youtube comments lads lads that was a bit beyond the pale. I preferred it in Runcorn when you weren't gay. Fucking Liverpool's changed you, Dan.

I think we should kiss. Just put it out there. You mean it? If you want, like. Did I tell you about my cleaners and the lube? What? Oh, you'd left it out. Yeah, she won't.

She just keeps putting the lube what oh you'd left it out yeah she won't she she just keeps putting the lube like i suppose that's that's understandable of it yeah it'd be if she used it that would be the issue well you don't know that she hasn't yeah sharing lube with the cleaner every time you finish with a partner sharing lube with a cleaner get yourself a sharpie and on your lube bottle just put a little lime wherever the level's up to and then you'll know you'll fucking catch it you would have to use

quite a lot of lube to like make a noticeable dent in it you'd be fucking sliding down the banister leaving a snail trail everywhere you go Jack is being

she's done more bad than good this clean I tell you what she leaves with a smile on her face happy in your work I'm going to get on the vapes I don't give a fuck

what you say Gina Marie Hill says such a weird thing for a 41 year old mind to just start doing if you could I've done it before. If you could do an...

I knew before you. If you could do an exchange year with another... Oh, speed round. If you could remember to clip smooth that, I want it. I will. If you could do an exchange year with another profession where you get to pause your job

and do someone else's for 12 months on your current income, what profession or job would you choose? Did you get a year out? You can just... Mayor, the defence lawyer. Yeah. So many people going to prison. Why?

Because you don't know the law. You don't need to know the law. Right. I know it's illegal to kill someone I know he's like he's broke the law it's whether I can

get him off innit you just have to use a lot of lawyer tricks it's all about fucking jazz hands and shit you know yeah

that's why Claire Sweeney is a phenomenal murder defence lawyer you know she's not sitting on TV for a while she's like she's just doing jazz hands

killed nine people did he oh fuck he didn't look at her fingers jiggle I've been dead funny today fucking working nicotine's great

makes me funnier yeah shut up you've been very very sprightly actually the vape pen suits you erm not in the air

there's fire alarms you daft twat is that a pube erm yeah I could get people off I'm not arsed Is that a pube? Yeah. I could get people off. I'm not asked.

I would go Amsterdam sex worker. 160 grand a year. But we're on the same money, aren't we? I would just love to ruin the street for all them pervs just going along like, yeah, should we get one? Should we ask how much it is? Fit sex worker,

fit sex worker, beautiful woman after beautiful woman, and then just me in my fucking kegs. You know when you walk down the road, like, just like, are they all naked in the windows?

No. No, they're all wearing like, you know, lingerie. Some of them are wearing other things, more specific.

I prefer women with my clothes on anyway. Some of them, some of them in fancy dress. What? Some of them in fancy dress. Submariner's my favourite one Victorian Submariner Honestly She's dirty when she opens that hatch

You know I'm telling you It's fucking working I think I'd become like a Primal fitness influencer Like liver king i'd go away and take you know lots of steds and get properly jacked and have a big red face and eat like bones and uh like uh tiny like animals whole i'd quite happily be a fitness instructor as well but I'd just give them my lifestyle yeah I'd be like yeah

no I swear to god like steak McCoy's it'll take like a year it'll take like a year but then you'll see results you get people on 28 Guinness a week for a year yeah yeah

and then when the year's up I'm just like oh I was lying the whole time anyway I'm a comedian see you later yeah you're on the same wave you're fat you've had a good year haven't you been great

yeah teach people the true value of life yeah you sell yourself as a fitness instructor but actually you're a life coach yeah teaching that these things don't matter you've got 28 guinness a week you've had a lot of flame grilled steak mccoys have you seen him eat a lot of flame well they're just on the table at the flat staying with him on the table at the flat in a bowl yeah yeah yeah instead of potpourri please

do you not have a bowl of crisps please tell me on the fucking table you haven't got a fruit bowl you've got a McCoy's bowl yeah yeah I just get

I get a multi-pack I'm a coyote and I just put them in me little bowl you fucking legend it's just when when you got people coming over it's a snack isn't it

yeah yeah it's for all the time though isn't it and like a tray of gold bars yeah take the boy out of Dovey

yeah just say hi lad do you want some crisp no don't worry I'll be there when you want them. I'm a good host. What a fucking dinner party. You must just get Jackie the cleaner

to come round with a dish of, like, Fridge Raiders. Monsieur. Where are the Ferrero Rocher? Yeah. We've got fucking Kinder Bueno. Do you tell me, if you're ever coming to mine,

and you tell me what your favourite crisp are are I'll make sure they're in the bowl I'm never coming to yours Why We're going drinking in town Said it before Ridiculous Thank you everyone Great speed round

Great speed round And this transition is Very smooth Hello Shall we do have words You like doing Have A Words, don't you? Uh, yeah.

I do. I do. If you want us to sort your shit out, give some advice on your friends and your life, or you just want to bitch about someone, haveawordpod at gmail.com, send them in.

Are they going to be particularly spooky? Oh. Have A Words. Yeah, because obviously when I prep an episode, I'm very aware of the calendar. Oh. In other words. Yeah, because obviously when I prep an episode, I'm very aware of the calendar. Yeah, so I've done a very... Which holiday we're coming to. I have done a very...

I've picked out some very specific Halloween-based... I have a word. See if you can tell where they are Halloween-based. Hi. I swear to God. That was good, actually. Where are you, Matthew? I swear to God.

He's got a slow-mo of his face. For the audio listeners. You're a cunt. Adam just whipped his dick out. And we all went, that is an inflamed cunt pipe. Have a word. This is from Anonymous.

Highlids, I would like to remain anonymous. It's from Dave. But he will know. I would like to have a word with one of your listeners who is a good mate and introduced me to the pod. He's decided to invite his in-laws to a holiday, but his in-laws have been dead for five years.

No, they're alive. He's decided to invite his in-laws to a holiday that we were organizing as a group of friends we live all over the country but get together at least once a year we have a group chat but it's awkward for anyone to say anything as they have asked them already what are your thoughts i mean everyone everyone want to do a slam dunk on this one? But what if they're really sound? What if they're like Life and Soul of the Party? Right. I mean. Right.

So you know where you're going away? Boys' holiday? Yeah. If I brought Laura's mum Jude and Jude's partner Rob on the boys' holiday to Tenerife. Yeah. Right. As long as she's game for the water park, who's asked?

Cool. Wouldn't mind. Right. As long as she's game for the water park, who's asked? Cool. Wouldn't mind. Right. What if she's fifth? Just keep complimenting her. Is Laura's mum

fifth? Until he thinks after we win. Wonderful woman. Supple. I've just remembered Laura's brother is a

patron. Hiya Tom I think that's a great shout in terms of a way in which to alleviate any sort of problems Jude, you are looking buxom today what a charming woman you are You're in-laws on a boys holiday is it an invite you'd throw out there

no no it's not something I'd do I think you've got to have a difficult conversation at that point you've got to take the group chat by the scruff of the neck you obviously you know what the opinion is because otherwise you wouldn't have written into a podcast about it you've written into a

podcast you wish to remain anonymous and also you wish to remain anonymous. And also, you wish to remain anonymous, so the person who's invited their in-laws that also listens to the podcast, because you've remained anonymous, is going to think that another person has a mate who has invited their in-laws that isn't you. They're going to know who you are, aren't they? Yeah.

The reason why you've maintained your anonymity is, you know you're blown so you i suppose maybe this is a good way of maybe we're meant to address the camera and say listen in-law inviter stop fucking about you must have a good reason nobody wants to hang out with your in-laws hang on if it's a boy's holiday and you've got he's invited his in-laws what What about his own parents? It doesn't say boys. It's a group of friends. I think that is where... Okay, okay, okay. I think that would definitely go down.

And also, what type of in-laws are like, God, we're so desperate for a holiday. Yeah, let's go Malia with these fucking morons. Like, I think it's a group of friends, but... They're going to Malia. They could be going on like a walking holiday well then fuck off

if you're going on a rambling holiday you should invite your local vicar you pricks honestly if it's a boys holiday and someone invited their

in-laws I'd have a whip around to fuck them off the holiday I'd be like mate you've lost your place well you'll have to pay for it

great we'll all pay for it and we'll be one man down and you can go on a rambling holiday with your boring cunt in-laws sorry Jude she's not

she's great but no absolutely bang out of order I'd love it if Carl's mum came on the holiday with us oh I know but she's already

going to be in Amsterdam because she likes Rembrandt what did you think i'm on oh oh fucking get that pipe going um another one jake wingfield wingo wingo um one of my ex-girlfriends wingfield fay uh? Jake Wingfield says, Dear Alvin, Dante, Carlos, Phyllis and Stephanie, need you to have a word with my bird. We have just booked our wedding and she's made a list of guests from her side of the family,

which is already 70 out of our 90 allocated guests for the day. There's about 30 to 40 people who I've never fucking heard of or even met in person, bearing in mind that she hasn't seen these people in over four years. She thinks I'm being a cunt for saying that. I'm not paying for these gobshites to come and have a free day out. This is written in by Carl. Am I being a cunt

or does she need to wind her neck in and fuck them off? It's another slam dunk, isn't it? What? Well, they're slammers, isn't it? Yeah, it's 50-50, isn't it? Don't be a bitch. I know. If I ever get married like I I think it'll be

heavily weighted on my I've got so many friends and a big family and I've got mates all over the place I think it would be I'm so popular I think I would have

like three or four times yeah you've got a two two guests for the nurse nurse from the sdi clinic head table uh yeah what no because that's not how it works you've got you just have to have a big you can't have a 90 seat to that this is where the mistake isn't it 90 allocated guests a wedding

that's a small day then bigger night i imagine oh okay okay okay is 90 considered a small day kind it's like a yeah smallish that'd be a smallish wedding wouldn't it yeah that's not far off what we had i think we had about 100 yeah it was really nice yeah i would want to keep it small as well i just thought that would have been what was considered small ours was great it was like uh the it was like two till four was the actual wedding um in west bridgeford i'd say that was maybe even 80 it was quite when it was just vips who fucked out for it uh jude i'm not even messing my mother-in-law god i fucking love her and she's supple um no she's fuck some no she's fucking brilliant yeah

she paid for the wedding my dad my step mum stuck in a grand wow so we we didn't spend a penny over our budget

and then we had the party at four o'clock onwards at the Nottingham Glee which was just everyone we've ever liked it was great it was just a

intimate and then massive party my uh my cousin's getting married next year and she yes she has insisted that luke yeah she has insisted that luke has the exact same number of groomsmen as she has bridesmaids because she wants symmetry in the photographs which has meant he's got to have 13 groomsmen oh my god I've got a chance we've got to

well but I went to hers and she was like I went so who's on the list she went oh don't tell him I went why

she went like there's you know this person this person like there's a few people and then you know

there's a few that he hasn't really seen for a few years, but he needs 13. And I was like, who's on the list? And she goes, don't tell him. I'm like, why can't he tell me? And Luke was just, he's just not arsed, except for his point. He went, because you're one of them,

and she wants him to be a surprise. And I went, hang on. So, Dolly, as close as we are, I've lived with yous, and you've just told me you're literally scraping the barrel of his life so he can have 13 but you didn't think I'd suss that I might be

one of them at this stage aww that's nice he's run out of mates so now he's taking mates from her side yeah

oh that's nice though because they're lovely yeah so if you are one of Luke's grooms when he listens to the podcast it could be you that he didn't really want

so have a think about that at the at the Luban restaurant takeover yes there was when he listens to the podcast. It could be you that he didn't really want. That's how I think about that. At the Luban restaurant takeover, there was three bookings that potentially shouldn't have been added to the list because it's a very set, like, these are all the places where people sit to eat. These are the table numbers and they're attributed. And then Dolly and Luke turned up.

Slutty Susie from Johnny Bongo's mates and someone else turned up and I was like I don't have any seats for you so Luke and Dolly had to start to eat in the bar area because there wasn't anywhere else I was like like they were clearly very important people because they're mates and family but they they got fed last I felt so bad Dolly Luke I apologize Luke I really am sorry and I hope I make the the 13 i think you're 15 if she adds two more you know yeah covid two and all right yes mate okay great i've met luke yes oh great are you married are you no no and i don't think i would get married not again you don't want to commit

four kids and you're just not sure uh i mean like you know what else do you want like you've got we've got four kids like what do you want me to commit like we fuck off like it's we've got kids what what more could you possibly have from me you've had my effluent uh make make good on four separate occasions now you're raising my stis you kind of what what what else is there? What can I give you at this point? And I don't think she particularly wants

to get married either. And I was married before, so, you know. Oh. Yeah. Well,

you don't believe it was her as well? Dame Judi Dench. No, because I wouldn't believe that. No. And the amount that it cost me. Little sister? How mad's that? Who? No, because I wouldn't believe that. No.

Davina McCall's little sister. How mad's that? Who? Davina McCall's little sister. Your ex-wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Becky McCall. Belinda.

Belinda McCall. Belinda. Belle. Belle McCall? Yeah, yeah. Are we talking shit? No. Fuck off. Oh, he was married to davina mccall's

little sister no no you weren't yeah were you really she's very uh yeah yeah she was the one she's a yoga instructor and she's the reason why davina mccall does all those yoga videos you chicksy little cunts. No. Yes. And when she kicked him out, Davina McCall was waiting outside to interview. So good. So good. I don't want to do any more podcasts that was too good thank you alfie yeah you've got a special on youtube called alfie brown live in liverpool one of two of your

youtube specials actually there's also two of them on the youtubes one of them on the amazon primes yeah uh but live in liverpool is the most recent one and uh and by d one of them on the Amazon Primes. Yeah. But Live in Liverpool is the most recent one and by dint of it being the most recent one, probably also the best one. And filmed with you and your assistance and your kindness and your heart and your warmth and your joy. And I would urge

everyone to go and watch it right this minute and comment something nice or something horrible. It all helps the algorithm. Like it, subscribe to my channel. Please subscribe to my channel please subscribe to my channel also there are just so many there are so many more of you than have watched it just stick it on do watch it fucking hell uh because loads of you haven't people came up to me last night at the shows we were doing i mean i've got your i really like your stuff i've got your special lined up to watch well what have you been doing fucking watch it stop fucking about all your life and watch my silly special it's very important uh so yeah and i've got an f1 podcast you have dirty air dirty air so you could if

you're a fan of dirt formula one i'm not but if you are you could listen to the podcast uh i watch it uh as somebody who hates formula one and um but that's the that's the vibe i'll watch it like somebody watches the kardashians wonderful and there are some tickets left for the arena in the gods but i don't want you to buy them you've had long enough and you don't deserve to be there it's still true Music Yes We have a song this week From The Rembrandts

It's the Rembrandts With their B-side I will paint your soul Players one we know I will paint your soul You can't you fucking soul We've got a bit of drum and bass this week Yes

Bit of D&B Yeah And it says With Adam's love for DMB and similar situations of breakups so this is a listener called

his stage name is soul 31 of course it is this is a song called happy he's done with a guy called mashes m-a-c-i-o-u-s

happy cool if you're watching on YouTube you don't get to listen to the music because we just trust us we can't but on. If you watch it on YouTube, you don't get to listen to the music. Um, cause we just, just trust us.

We, we can't, uh, but on the audio, you get it. Um, and that's it. Dan is on tour,

but he's basically got no tickets left. So don't bother. Oh, I do have tickets left. the rearranged hot water dates have been, um, because we were meant to be in the new venue. They've been rearranged.

So there's, uh, two shows on the 17th of November. There's now two shows on the 20th of November there's now two shows on the 20th of November they're all sold out however there was an overflow show

which is now the last night of the tour on Tuesday the 22nd of November there's 100 tickets been sold that leaves about 125 tickets

if you haven't bought tickets and you're in Liverpool that is the chance to see the show after that it'll be on Falkland YouTube and it'll be not as good

because it won't be live ta get on me danliongirl.com we're done we're done happy Halloween oh

spooky yeah it goes I was on Monday I was not right there yeah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, no, no Sick So give me a tip for the ride Cause you got my mind driving all night You got me thinking it's alright But it's not alright, no, no Baby, I live for a while

Cause we've been fighting all night And we just know it's not right No, it's not alright, no, no So what do I do? all right no it's not all right no no from all the things that you destroyed broken words to fill your voice you keep talking like it's nothing i keep thinking i said something wrong I keep thinking I said something wrong No, that ain't love You keep talking like it's nothing I keep thinking I said something wrong

No, that ain't love No, that ain't love, love, love, love, love No, that ain't love No, that ain't love, love, love, love, love No, that ain't love No, that ain't love No, that ain't love My mind's split in two And I'll fight this world for you Running out of petrol

Fight from all the things you put me through Dive, you're confused And I'm petrified from all the things you put me through. Dying confused. And I'm feeling abused. Mind control with life on the phone. Say a word, say true. And my mama said I don't look happy anymore Yeah, my mama said I don't look happy

So are you happy? From all the things that you destroyed So are you happy? Broken words to fill your voice You keep talking like it's nothing I keep thinking I said something wrong No, that ain't wrong You keep talking like it's nothing I keep thinking I said something wrong

No, that ain't love No, that ain't love, love, love, love, love No, that ain't love No, that ain't love No, that ain't love. No, that ain't love. Yeah, my mama said I don't look happy. Anymore. Anymore.

Yeah, my mama said I don't look happy. Question. Are you happy?