Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #199 with George Zach & Eshaan Akbar - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. You can't take anything that might seem a bit gay, can you, ever? What do you mean, like a cock on my ass?

Okay, it didn't have to be that extreme, but a compliment. Or a drink that has three different elements that you have to order. Five seconds? No, no, no. No, just for the listeners and the viewers, just before we started, Ishan, with a wry smile on his face said i like your hair now i'm telling you right now i can take compliments i'm fucking great at a lot of things and if you want to let me know that sound okay but you looking at me while smirking saying i like your hair there isn't a man on planet jeffrey mate who isn't gonna check his hair at that point. Dan. Dan, that's true.

That's true, Dan. That's true. That's a good one. If I like your hair, I'll be smiling because it looked nice. No, you were laughing. You were giggling. Because of your face.

I was talking about my face. Your hair's nice. Your face is funny. Your face is hilarious. Can you take a compliment, Ashant? A lot of people can't. No, I can't. I'm very bad at taking compliments.

I'm good at taking compliments. Yeah, you'll get everything. He's that good. I'm great at taking compliments. I'm great at taking compliments. Give me a compliment. Watch, I'll take it. You wear your size well.

Oh, damn. He's trying to shag him. It's a negative, if ever, is it? It's a compliment. In what way is that a compliment? How's that not a compliment? That's negative. You wear your size.

What does it even mean? Does that mean I'm quite fat but I look good for it? It means whatever you want it to mean. What did you mean by it? You carry yourself very well. Right. For your size. Yeah, that's the bit he's a bit iffy with.

That's not a compliment, is it? It is yeah because if i said okay it wouldn't be a compliment if i said you wear your size badly adam how would you nag a shot you're quite sound considering what you are a londoner yeah yeah i hate them Do you? I hate them Who are your three favourite Londoners? Ooh You I've got to be there Surely

Yeah I don't know about that Really? I don't think you're top three Londoners Have I got to know them personally? No David Bentley Eamon Holmes

He's definitely not from London He's from Belfast But he lives there now. A Londoner is someone who lives there, not someone who's from there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. A Londoner is someone who was born and raised in London. David Bentley.

David Beckham's a good one. No, Bentley. Oh, Bentley. Yeah. David Beckham's from Essex. No, he's not. Yes, he is. Born in Leytonstone.

What? He was born in Leytonstone. How do you know that? You big Man United pedophile. Because I'm is. He was born in Leytonstone. What? He was born in Leytonstone. How do you know that? You big man, you know he's a paedophile. Because I'm also from London. We're all from London. Everyone who's blue-ticked from London. Right, where were you born?

Whitechapel. Nice. Or Brown Mosque, as my family called it. Whitechapel, Liverpool is where the homeless live. Whitechapel, Liverpool is where the homeless live. Whitechapel, London is also where the homeless live I think it's just a thing You took me round

Whitechapel, didn't you? That's near Brick Lane, isn't it? No, you took me round Brick Lane The documentary and that comes out next year The finished product's really good Is it?

And our bit's really good Is it? Yeah, well I'm looking forward to seeing it It was fun You took me for authentic Like, did you get a doll curry and i i was told i had to order the the most authentic thing on the menu and then he ordered a chicken madras and i said in front of me that's authentic isn't it no apparently a madras isn't a real thing there you go i'm glad he's learning it's taken fucking i mean i don't agree with him but i'm just saying this is a real thing because he ordered it and that's it yeah but it's not like a

it's not something you can get in india no way no even if it's a madras in india and ask for a chicken from there they'd say we're vegetarian oh is madras an area of the country yeah yeah and they haven't even got madras no mad isn't that mad so that's is that a british thing yeah like balti is another one balti means bucket and a bucket is what you shower from where's my dad? He's in the Balty He's having a Balty Shall we have sex in the Balty?

Is he hungry? Or has he fucking just finished work And needs a wash? Do you ever piss in the Balty? Yeah I always piss in the Balty Always having a piss in the Balty I don't like pissing in the shower

Why? It's a real turn off for me If people do it You're trying to show Turn off? Yeah How many people are you in the shower with? That you're trying to fuck?

Well You're fucked What's wrong with pissing in the shower? I just don't think it's very hygienic Why? It literally goes down the same hole as the toilet No it doesn't Yes it does No because the toilet hole Is in a separate place down the same hole as the toilet no it doesn't yes it does no because the toilet

hole is in a separate place from the shower hole so whatever goes on your shit doesn't go down the same hole as in the shower as it does in the toilet in the shower it all ends up in the shower have you ever shown the shower um i've shit myself and then had to get a shower but have you ever gone into the shower and thought, I need to have a shit and a shower, I'll just do both at the same time? No, I shit before. That's fucking disgusting.

Oh, that's disgusting, but pissing in the shower isn't. Pissing in the shower, it's just... There's worse stuff on your body than piss when you get in the shower from your day... Like, there's poo on you now. No, that's my colour. Oh, please, God. now no that's my color oh please god we've been going for less than 10 minutes fucking hell i love my job please

please Fucking hell I love my job please Please No but like You've got poo on you From walking around Walking here How am I walking? There's poo in the air I'm not like a dog with paws Just dragging myself

There's poo in the air There's poo in the air Yeah You brought food didn't you? Yeah Right where did you get it from? Greg's Right Oh there's definitely poo in the air Yeah You brought food didn't you Yeah Right where did you get it from Greggs Right

Oh there's death or poo all over you then Yeah Didn't you Have you not seen that study that was done You know those self-service screens in McDonald's Yeah oh yeah They've got loads of fecal matter on them They tested them

And every single one that was ever tested Had shit on it And you telling me that you don't think there's shit on the card machine Fucking read it in Greggs I pay by cash What's shit on the card machine? Fucking read it in your legs. I pay by cash. What's shit on my cash then? Oh my God!

How much shite do you think's on your money? How many hands have been on that? It was fresh from the ATM. Money never gets washed. They were fresh notes from the ATM. What, brand new? Minzed this year? Did you have to press the buttons on the ATM? Yeah.

Can't tell us. There you go. But I pressed it with my left hand so you've just got to put it on your left hand then oh my hearing aid is beeped which means it's going to

die in a minute so I need to change my hearing aid battery at some point oh we can't do that again you've got enough we might just have to take a break now

so for those who I've got a battery here Ishan came in when we first moved into the studio he did a a Patreon episode with us

because he was just in town so we were like come and do the the patreon record with us and the night before his hearing aid battery had died and i've never seen a man look so lost when he couldn't hear he looked like a dog waiting to be picked up at the groomers. Just like, where's me owner? You back? No, it's not even that. You weren't scared.

You just looked like you were full on. Do you know what? Because not being able to hear is very embarrassing. It's not embarrassing.

You shouldn't be embarrassed to show off your body. You are what you are and you're a lovely man. Apparently I've got loads of shit on my body so I should be embarrassed of my body.

Also, do you know shower water? That used to be piss. Yeah, I know that, but it's been cleaned, hasn't it? Shower water used to be piss? Yeah. The water in your coffee used to be piss? All the water we use is reused from all the shit and piss that we do.

I refuse to accept your hypothesis. Why? Do you know what the water cycle is? Is this factual? Yeah, but that's not the same thing is it it used to be it is no it isn't

because it's been filtered through mountains and rain and all that sort of stuff it's not the same thing anymore it's like saying this used to be a tree it didn't

sorry are you suggesting that you had a shit in Liverpool it goes through the Himalayan mountains and finds its way back again purified the water cycle yeah

you learned that in geography it gets purified don't't it gets sorted out yeah but it's not just piss it was coffee grounds it's just not it was piss and shit at one point yeah of course it was yeah yeah so this stuff has been done to it it's been separated from the from the stuff that makes it piss and shit so it's therefore not piss and shit anymore imagine who's got that job it's not a job it's a job of the ecosystem it's a natural for the question do there's a water crisis there's always yeah i haven't stopped talking about it all me what it is isn't that we were talking about it last night yeah the water crisis yeah firstly

we said to each other you're watching the telly at like 11 o'clock in the morning the advert is you know we need water yeah water can't leave the earth the water cycle where does it all go evaporation and then it comes back again that's the water it doesn't rain enough but where's it going then into space no water cycle what are you talking about where's all the water going right okay so it's not just there's no water it's that there's no clean water there's no clean yeah exactly no because it's not getting purified through the human air no Because it's not getting purified Through the Himalayan mountains

Because it's not Going through the The system it needs to go through To be clean Drinkable water But also surely there should be more water Because you can't just drink sea water Climate change is real

There we go Then the glaciers are melting Exactly There should be more water There is more water It's just not drinkable It's all in Devon You absolutely pay it

No You can You can drink glacial water surely Of course you can It's probably the cleanest. It is the cleanest. You can take a chunk off it. It's covered in polar bear shite.

What are you talking about? Everything's covered in shite. Like a slushie, just like a bite. Get a bit of syrup on it. I'm just saying, where's all the water going? It's not going anywhere. It's just not clean. No, no, no.

I'm with you, Carl. There should be more water. I think this is big water lying to us. It is? This is big water trying to get- Evian are fucking in our pockets, mate. Yeah, just trying to get more money out of us because you can't tell us there's climate change

and the glaciers are melting. Nothing's changing. And then say there's not enough water. Yeah. Why does Evian taste like milk? They're not- It fucking does. I didn't know this until Adam told me.

Evian Is basically milk Did we do this On the podcast Or was it just in person It was in person It's true Evian does taste It's very

It's got a lot of calcium in it Yeah So it tastes very milky Honestly Next time we drink it Think about milk No That's not true

Because what's happened is Is you're Psychologically Because you've seen The word calcium on the thing. No. No. Because he told me and I tried. I was like, oh shit, he's right.

No, because that's because he told you. I only know it's got more calcium in it because I looked on the label to see whether it had any fucking milk in it. Yeah. Because it tastes that much like milk. I was, he went, wow, this is cal-ser-ific. And he looked and it was full of calcium.

Yeah. So you said it was cal-ser-ific. I said it was cal-ser-ific. That's one of my words Calcerific Calcerific Potassiumoni He didn't have a word for that one

Before he started saying it Potassiumoni Isham what's your word for chewing gum Ironky donk Sharon's cool That's alright then I'll have can I be Ironky donk Sean in school That's alright then Hey lab can I have it This is quite

I ronky donky What's your word For chewing gum Or what was it in school Chewing gum No it wasn't No it wasn't Give me a chewing gum

Give me a chewing gum Yeah that's a chewing gum So if I I was making it wrong. So if you wanted some chewing gum, right, and you thought I had some on my person. What would I say? What would you say to request a piece? Hi, Adam.

May I have some chewing gum, please? Oh, no. Chimichanga? In school, they go, I've got a chimichanga there. Do you want one? I'm like, yeah. Give us a chimichanga, lad. Isn't one? I'd be like, yeah. Gives a chimichanga a lot. Isn't that a Mexican dish?

No, it's a chili. Yeah, it is, but, you know, different words can mean different things. I went to private school, so he said the full words. Oh, dear.

All of the full words? Yeah, chewing gum. What did you call what you had on your feet? When you don't... Say you were playing sports. Yeah. What were on your feet?

Football boots. Even if you were playing sports. Yeah. What were on your feet? Football boots. Even if you're playing basketball? Yeah. I could slide around the gym. I started slipping everywhere. Trainers? Trainers. Plimsolls?

Oh, Plimsolls. Oh, my God. I'd say Plimsolls. Do you really? Yeah. That's like, for us, that's like our,

like there's no one left in our families alive saying that. Because you killed them for saying it. Henry, Henry, where are your plimsolls? I'd say plimsolls.

Yeah, I, we, yeah, I would always use, we never, because there wasn't really a culture of like

shortening or giving nicknames to things. Because you speak RP. Huh? You speak RP, don't you? Yeah's rp mean received the queen's english received pronunciation yeah exactly have you got any slang in you in your vocabulary um not not really i mean i do social i do like socially chameleon. I'll say wagwan when I'm around my dealer. Hello. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Wagwan, bro. I'm trying to go on your level, innit? Yeah. And I'll say stick. I say sound around. Would you deal it?

You say wagwan. What do you ask for? Chewing gum. Wagwan, bruv. You got any chewing gum? Matt has the worst breath. I say Mandy. Can I have a sack of cocaine, please?

You say Mandy. We've said this before. I did ask for a portion of Mandy once. A portion? Yeah. Because my first time, I asked for a portion say Mandy. I did, well, we've said this before, I did ask for a portion of Mandy once. A portion? Yeah, because I did, my first time, I asked for a portion

of Mandy. Have you got no, no slang really? No, not really, I'm trying to think whether I use any slang. No,

not really. I'll just say hello to friends. Hello, friend. I say hello, all right, mate.

You just say hello. Yeah, I say hello, all right, mate. You are very well, I've never really considered how well spoken you are. Do you know what I Yeah, I say hello. All right, mate. You are very well... I've never really considered how well-spoken you are.

Do you know what I mean? I don't think I'm particularly well-spoken. Did you just hear yourself say that? Yeah, I did, yeah. I don't think I... I... So, do you know how I learnt to speak English? Do you know the story?

Because I didn't speak English until I was seven years old. I wasn't allowed to speak English in my house until I was seven years old. I wasn't allowed to speak English in my house until I was seven years old. That's great. In England? Yeah. He was born in London, Carl. I was born and raised here.

I was just emphasising that he was in England and he wasn't allowed to speak English in his house. In my house, my parents said, you can't speak English, you have to speak Bengali, Urdu and Punjabi. But you obviously couldn't understand them Because you hadn't learned English What was the middle one then?

I said Bengali Urdu What's that? Urdu What's Urdu? Urdu is the language of Pakistan Right That's why they speak in Pakistan

What was the last one? Urdu Punjabi you said didn't you? And Punjabi We also speak But that's from a region in So that's a dialect no it's another language

okay it would be like English and Scouse Scouse is a dialect that's true Scouse is a dialect it would be like English and Gaelic

yeah okay yeah okay so in my house I wasn't allowed to speak English because my parents were insistent

that I learn the Asiatic languages that they grew up with then my mum heard me speak english to my mates and i had a bit of a east london essex turn up all right mate how's it going at seven yeah like daddy die a fucking hill all right going to school got me backpack you telling me what you're doing surely you're made to go to school isn't it oh I'm got I've got my backpack

yeah we know I'll have to be more I'll meet you for 20 minutes where are you going I'm a historian how's it going I love English you know

because I can speak here anyway so then my mum heard me speaking she was not happy at how I sounded so she took me home.

She got her favourite book, which was Wuthering Heights. And she made me read it aloud to her like I was on radio. And any time I swallowed like a tea or mispronounced something, she'd hit me with a stick. Was your mum the original Jo Jackson? Yeah, the original Sing, motherfucker So that's how I learned to speak English

Wuthering Heights Yeah With a stick Right, okay I would go as far to say That if you'd only just started Speaking English Handing you Wuthering Heights

Is quite the baptism of fire Read that then We had Biff, Chip and Kipper I could speak English Because I was going to school you Wuthering Heights is quite the baptism of fire. Read that then. We had beef chip and kibbeh. I wasn't going to school in East London going, I wasn't there speaking. What the fuck did that mean? That means, what's going on? Everything alright?

What's tikka? Tikka, everything alright? So chicken everything alright? Chicken shower. Have we just taken the piss? TK. Say it again. TK. TK.

You alright? TK. TK. But there's chicken TK, isn't there? That's what Carl's saying on an Indian menu. Does that mean chicken everything alright? Yeah. There's a Sri Lankan, it's called Chicken 69.

No one knows where the 69 is from It's called Chicken 69 It's a dish What? It's a dish No one knows You know? I don't know either

You've just told us 69, Chicken 69 That's separate from Chicken Tikka Right But no one knows what the 69 means No But that's a widespread dish Yeah And no one knows what the 69 means no but that's a widespread dish yeah

and no one knows why it's called that no it's not got like 69 herbs and spices in it no I mean that'd be busy wouldn't it

yeah that'd be very busy but it's got there's a different origin story as to why it's called chicken 69 go on I don't I can think of one it's Sri Lankan

yeah sex that's the obvious one isn't it sex moves something sexual sex moves sex moves right I can think of one It's Sri Lankan Sex That's the obvious one isn't it Sex moves Something sexual Sex moves Sex moves Right

But chicken tikka Is that genuinely chicken Everything all over No Because tikka Well actually The Asian way of pronouncing it Is chicken tikka

And tikka Is different from tikka What does tikka mean Tikka is like Little pieces Cubes Chicken cubes That makes sense Yeah It does make sense Yeah Why I mean, the guy's like little pieces, cubes. Ah, chicken cubes. Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, it does make sense. Yeah. Well, why when I come on this one, because I'm not the Asian rep. We're not asking you. You brought it up. I know. I said, no, but we're learning.

It's I love learning. I actually asked you about what Bengali animals were there. I don't know anything about white people. I'll do it after you go on. Why is he? Why is he? Why? Bengali animals were there? Do you want to know anything about white people? I'll do it after you. Go on. White with a whitey. White with a whitey. White. Why do white people

serve such shit food at weddings? That's a very good question. I had gay food at my mate's wedding. I agree with you. Yeah, wedding food. I mean, I know you were doing it as a dig rather than a question. No, it was a dig. It was a question.

I think it's just... I think people, they go for what they think is fancy food because they think it's a fancy event. And then fancy food ends up being a bit shit because the reason it's fancy is it's not very common and people don't like it because they've never had it before. Like dauphinoise potatoes. The fuck is that? You love them.

You love dauphinoise. They're just not, yeah, but I'd rather have chips, wouldn't I? What, creamy chips? No, just chips. Okay.

Chips or roasties. Creamy chips. Yeah, I agree with you. Breakfast food should be the food of weapons. That'd be unbelievable. Well, they do a whole gross towards the end,

don't they? It's not breakfast. I mean, but they don't always do a whole gross towards the end. Like, there's normally like a bit of a buffet. I want to do, like, if I ever get married, I'm going to do a McDonald's or something.

Just get a massive delivery for everyone towards the end. Really? That'd be fucking great, that. Or get a doner kebab in. Or a spit. A little spit. Do you know what I mean? Get a doner kebab in and a little grill to do burgers.

Not takeaway burgers. See, what I want to do is takeaway stalls i want to have like a pizza stall yes a bit of choice yeah i'm gonna get let people yeah but pancake store crepe store bucket store yeah here's a question for you yes nice um you like a drink we booze quite a bit yes if you were to get married would there be alcohol saved at your wedding knowing that your family are coming? After 8pm. So usually nowadays, when you go to a Muslim wedding

or an Asian wedding where the bride or groom will both drink, what they do is they have an exit time for older people. Wow. So they're not offended. So on the itinerary of the day, they're like 7pm If you are

An aunt or an uncle Do they know why? Kind of But what we say What they put on there is For your medication For your health It's better that you leave early

What happens if they go no? Yeah because if they see Everyone getting on the fucking Lines of Lemo They'll have a fucking ass Yeah exactly They've already got High blood pressure as it is anyway most of them so at like so usually around seven eight o'clock that's when everybody leaves and then the young ones stay behind and have like is it a bigger drinking culture now in like young muslims it's the the people that i know there's

always been a bit of a drinking culture like my uncles all drank because they were wealthy successful so yeah there's a massive it's no difference to Christianity really there's people who are seriously devout like whatever and then there's people who are just sort of like yeah that's my religion but after my mum died I found her stash of

like bloody Mary ingredients under her bed little bottles of vodka everywhere. Really? Yeah. Show the dad I'm small. Huh? Show the dad I'm small.

Yeah. And they're both dead. It makes it even funnier. It makes it even funnier. Yeah. So yeah. And then I've seen my uncle

on my mum's side they all like drank whiskey my mum's actually used to drink and beat the shit out of her sorry that comes out of my mouth

sorry comedy podcast yeah sorry mate is he dead now yes he is dead good yeah yesterday when we were in here

you hinted at a story that I can't remember what it was oh yes we were sat out there anded at a story that I can't remember what it was oh yes we were sat out there and you said remind me tomorrow to tell you something

oh about Britain's Got Talent yes so you said you were on Britain's Got Talent before you were a comedian well I wasn't on it before I became a comedian I

you know I was a Bollywood dance choreographer yeah so I choreographed my brother by the way Ishan taught me some Bollywood dance choreographer yeah so I choreographed my brother by the way Ishan taught me some Bollywood

dance in a while for that same documentary and he said I was the fastest leaner he's ever had that's just not true I heard that

you said I absolutely nailed it you said I could move to Bollywood tomorrow and become a star where's Bollywood that's exactly what

I said he absolutely nailed it. In fact, I was fielding calls. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Very good, yeah. Is that one of the moves? Yeah, it's not bad.

I need to learn that. It's pretty good, actually. He's got good hand movement. Anyway, so my brother had a little group. It was him, two white guys Sam and Paul

a Filipino guy called Ezekiel and a Nigerian guy called Bamadeli where the fuck did they all meet school GCSE questioned

GCSE math questioned you say the Nigerian who had the apples who had the pears who had the oranges come on Bamadeli yeah

isn't that Deli Ali's full name Bamadeli Ali yeah there's quite a few Bamadelis Bamadeli is like the Steve of Nigeria

is it yeah great name I found out Ishan is like the Dave of Sri Lanka did you say that it's such a common name in Sri Lanka

Adam is the young Venugopal of Hessling Hang on, is there a comedy programme in Sri Lanka Called Ishand Javu? Eh? That's right What are the names in Sri Lanka? Popular names in Sri Lanka Oh, it's not

You're not even there? You're not even in the top fucking 40? It was a Sri Lankan guy that told me. Abdul, there was a Sri Lankan guy that told me this. Maybe you should undermine him. Sheehan? There's Sheehan. How is Mohammed the most popular name in Sri Lanka?

Because there's fucking loads of them. They're floating everywhere. Can't move from Mohammed to Sri Lanka. Was India third on the Sri Lankan list? You're not on the top 169, John. It's a 20. Okay, well, look. Too many Mohammeds late.

What on Roanbein, all them Mohammeds late in Sri Lanka? Jasper, can I get an ear? It was a Sri Lankan guy that told me this, so I don't know. Oh, it was Indica. I thought it was in India. Maybe they meant it's the Dave of Sri Lanka and that no one's called if they oh yeah there's no daves there's no we shan't know

you are the uh the dave of sri lanka norm in the 90s can you tell us this britain's got talent story you little bitch oh yeah sorry yeah so i i choreographed some dances for that group what was the group called talentless nice right really they should have been called diversity those are talentless and actually they look like the google thing right now look there they are um so they did their school talent show they won and then they had the idea that they would audition for britain's got talent right right so we go to the excel center in london for the audition and it was like there were so many people there throughout the course of them my dad went fucking like there were so many people there Throughout the course of them. My dad went with me. There were so many people there throughout the course of the day

There was a noise there's a noise on the roof there was only without the day and what they did is they break up the day and like a producer or something would come into the room and just kind of entertain everybody for a bit and My dad would get up and dance and gp pull up whatever whatever we're about half an hour away from the audition and one of the producers walks up to my dad and has a long conversation we go in for our audition my dad kind of follows but as i go into the room with my dancers my dad goes off to another room right with this woman so what's going on we do the audition it was fine my dad comes back i was like dad what's going on he goes oh nothing nothing nothing i was like okay maybe they're planning something i have

no idea did they figure them well the next day we get a call. Britain's Got Talent. My group didn't get through, but my dad did. He was fingering skills? Yeah. So my dad gets through to the next round, right? What was his talent? Dancing. So then I said to my dad,

Sorry, what did you do? And he goes, well, I think they enjoyed me like dancing with everyone. Oh, in the holding area? In the holding area. So she said, why don't you audition as well? So I said, yeah, all right, fine. But I went to all the kids. So I said, okay, so what did you dance to?

He said, he goes, some Italian rap. So I'm like, what italian rap he goes yeah so i said what's the song we did google it was usher you got it bad in italian or no no i knew no right okay hang on so your dad yeah was went to support you yeah at britain's got talent yeah because your dance troupe yeah talentless yeah as it turns out they were yeah they didn't get through yeah but he did such a good little jig Yeah In the holding area Yeah That someone come over to him Yeah Asked him to audition

Yeah And he auditioned Yeah In front of Simon Cowell No this is the This is the pre-auditions Yeah Right okay

Did he then go and do In front of Simon Cowell Well so they were saying Come and do it in front of Simon Cowell So at that point I was like Dad don't do this Why Because I think they're

Going to embarrass you Yeah They're going to I think they're going to embarrass you. They're going to have some freaks, haven't they? My dad can dance. What kind of dancing was he doing? I don't know. I've never seen the dance. Is it like Bollywood dancing? Bro, I have no idea what he did, what kind of dance he did.

But for the next three years, they would call my dad every year to say we've we've seen your video we want you to come back and audition and to this day my dad still holds a grudge because he believes he's a quarter of a million short let him audition no why that you listen what's his name mo i tell you what i tell you what you know mo you know that's like the muhammad of sri lanka um here's the thing right i think what you should do next year when they call them you say yeah but then i go in this place yeah and when they're like what's your dad's name mo yeah so when they're like you're not mo akbar i'll be like i fucking am yeah i am you fucking rude bastards how dare you

i've had a rough couple of years at eight yeah yeah okay i've got jaundice and i don't look good but i am mo akbar i am definitely where is my Italian rap? Get it on now. I don't know why he thought it was Italian rap. My dad's had a lot of issues with Usher, actually. Because when my dad was a paramedic, he used to work at what was called the London Arena. And at the London Arena, he was kind of walking around. And we got near the toilets. And this was weird because basically the toilets were backstage.

And there was a big entourage of people. And my dad went in for a piss into this toilet. And he came out and he backstage and there was a big entourage of people and my dad went in for a piss into this toilet and he came out and he goes there was a bit of a queue and there was this guy

who was like talking to me and I was like oh he seems like a really nice guy this is pretty cool and then 20 minutes later

he was on stage and everyone was going crazy and I was like dad dad who wasn't and he goes I don't know someone called Harsha that's the Bengali your dad was like, dad, dad, who wasn't? He goes, I don't know, someone called Harsha.

That's the Bengali. Your dad was in the toilet with Harsha? Yeah. What did Harsha say to him? Mamma mia, the size of your penis. Oh my God, it's all a piece, yeah. I cannot believe I am here with Mo Akbar and his gigantic cock, his juicy balls.

Did I see you when you just got the talent? So he met his muse Yeah Mad Isn't that mad but that's yeah mad

Did he have a look at his dick I didn't ask him that question He won't have known it's Usher If you're in the toilet with Usher though

you'd have a look at him Yeah You'd have a look at any celebrity dick Yeah Which celebrity dick do you want to see the most

Usher now That's a good question David Dickinson celebrity dick. Yeah. Which celebrity dick do you want to see the most? Usher now. That's a good question. David Dickinson. David Dickinson. I want to see whether he's got any jewellery on him. Alan Titchmarsh. He's got a pipe.

I can guarantee that man he's got a pipe. Charlie Dimmock. He's got a pipe as well. Her nipples used to turn me the fuck on big time ground force

yeah I don't even know who you're talking about Charlie Dimmock oh when I was growing up her nipples were very much part of my sexual awakening

ground force Charlie Dimmock what was the fella called Tom Tony there they are there you go second picture

click that second one ah there we go. Look at those nips. She's got bastards like. Yeah. Ishan, have you seen that new Tom Cruise film?

Can't remember the name of it. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Come on. Come on. Listen. What's the name of that new Tom Cruise film? Air Force One? Definitely Air Force One, yeah. Air Force One, yeah. Listen. When you the name of that new Tom Cruise film? Air Force One?

Definitely Air Force One, yeah. Listen, when you're in the throes of the moment, I knew it was Top Gun. I knew it, but it just disappeared from my brain. What's this? He got it wrong on Celebrity Mastermind. You got what wrong? Air Force One, he called it.

Top Gun. Did you just look at your shoes? Yeah. The question was, which Tom Cruise film? There's a reboot of a pilot. A reboot and it was called Maverick. Had the subtitle Maverick. Air Force One.

Did you face it? You went, aw. As soon as he said Top Gun, I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. What was it like doing Mastermind? It was pretty good actually i had a really good time uh i was really happy with how it went claire from steps beat me she's not even celebrity what was her top yes she is she is claire from steps she's more of a celebrity than i am yeah like 100 more people know cla people know Claire from Steps than he should that's just a sad

fact of life well I don't know her so you do yes you do from Steps I couldn't pull it out of a line

did you put five band members did you mean Steps band members oh yeah five are better um who was in Steps

Claire H it was Claire Lisa Scott Lee Faye Tozer Liam Scott Lee Lee Letford Evans. And Ian H. Watkins. Ian Brady.

Not Ian Watkins the... Ian Watkins has sued several newspapers because it is Hatred from Steps, but his real name is Ian Watkins, but that's also the guy from The Lost Prophet, two bum kids, isn't that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was articles written about The Lost Prophet's guy

that used the photograph of H from Steps. And he was getting death threats on the internet and everything. Because everyone was like, the fact that you're still allowed Twitter when you've gone to prison for doing this. He's had a lot of hate mail. But H also looks like he could fuck kids. No, he doesn't.

He looks like the most gentle man on the planet. That's exactly why. H stands for handjob. What? H stands for handjob. What? H stands for handjob. I wonder what the H does stand for. Hyperactive. Harry.

No, it stands for hyperactive. Henry. Why would it not just be Ian Henry Watkins then? Because that sounds like a serial killer. It does actually. What does the H on H stand for? Hyperactive. Hyperactive? Hyperactive.

It does, yeah. I know. I just told you the answer. Fuck off. Hyperactive is what it stands for. Yeah. So he's hyperactive from steps. Yeah.

How did you know that? I know lots of stuff. I don't know Claire though. He doesn't know Claire. He knew what the H In H from Steps stand for But he's got no idea Who Claire is

That's not true though Is it? It can't be It is Hyperactive Yes It used to sound Like a handjob

But do like You can't do that It's a family friendly band now But you can't have Those kind of Neurodiverse descriptors as your fucking nickname can you here we go nope this was 20 years ago yeah but you can't be like carl adhd no can you no no because that's already in them oh he's got you there mate he has

got you there late i can't be Carl attention attention it's all I know Carl addiction deficit addiction deficit attention I haven't had my crack so I'm hypo oh no no no hypo is not hyper

hypo is down hyper is up if you're hypo yeah but it's not hypo glycemic like it is it is medically it is

hypo. That means he's sleeping. Yeah, but it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It obviously doesn't. Like medically it does, but no one ever means that. No one's ever gone, where's granddad?

He's going fucking hypo. Well, look granddad's. No, if you say the kids are going fucking hypo, I'll be like, belt it, they're all a kid. If you said hyper, I'm like, oh. Oh, damn. Such a Susie Gimp with your words. I forgot what I was going to say.

I can't believe that that's his nickname anyway. What would your name, one letter nickname be? And what would it stand for? My one letter... Mine would be H as well. Handsome. Or hung. No, no, but it has to be something that they can't immediately tell about you

that was a compliment say take it what he means is you're very obviously handsome handsome so yeah that's fine but why does it have to be that you can't tell that h ian is automatically hyperactive just by looking at him can you yeah but like my h could i mean it could be handsome but could it also be hung could be happy could be hell no Adam Happy Row that's a film I'd watch Adam Happy Row I'd nose

what would yours be mine would be Ishan S Akbar stupid I'm not there am I sexy

member of Mensa aren't I sexy say that again I'm sexy member of Mensa aren't I sexy say that again I'm a member of Mensa aren't I are you really yeah are you technically a genius well I joined when I was 13

John Mensa yeah but are you are you did you actually pass the thing yeah what do you like you 148

muppy so only one more than a snooker break mine's 180 and that's the top darts movement Muppet. It's only one more than a snooker break. Mine's 180. And that's the top dart movement. From Mensa? From Mensa or from an online test? No, this is Scouse Mensa.

Okay, Scouse Mensa. It's called Smitsa. Do the Smitsa test. Vladimir. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know you were a genius. You don't give off those vibes at all. I don't. I keep it that's a neg that's a neg I try to keep it under wraps but

yeah um I joined Mensa when I was 13 what what happens do you have like weekly meetings in there yeah I went to like a few meetings where it was me a 13 year old and like loads of six year old men maybe it was are you sure this is Mensa? And you may just get a fucking child traffic. Yeah. Yeah. This is Mensa. Yeah. This is Mensa.

Yeah. No, we all take our clothes off. Yeah. This is where we do it. Yeah. No, there's only 60 year old men.

They're clever as well. And so are you. You're really clever, aren't you? Cause you found a building with Mensa. I've never checked what Mensa stands for. Mensa stands for men eating sexual assholes of children.

And the N is just there to distract you. Nubile. Nubian. What does it stand for? I don't think it stands for anything. I don't think it's an acronym. Is it a name?

Maybe it's a Latin word. Mental. Mensa is a Latin word for intelligent they go Latin for table the word Mensa is Latin for table table

table that's symbolised by the organisation's logo the logo does not look like a table but yes it does oh yeah it does if you were a genius

you'd just spot it do you do anything with Mensa now not really they still send me kind of monthly newsletters where they invite

me to meetings you know any 13 year olds who could take you a place yeah what's the point of it

I don't really know it was just it was a it's like a badge of honour in it I'm in Mensa means you're dead clever

I reckon I'd be in it I reckon you would to be fair I reckon I'd be in it I reckon I'd be in it within six weeks no I actually do reckon I'd be in it why don't you would, to be fair. I reckon I'd be in it for within six weeks. No, I actually do reckon I'd be in it.

Why don't we get him to do a mental admissions test? In the break. Can you do it online? Maybe now, I don't know. I'll have a go. Yeah.

But I do reckon I'd probably be in it. Let's see if Adam can join Mensa by the end of this. Be a fucking Mensa. Yeah, 15 minutes after. Okay, it's a workout.

Fine. You do it in the break and see how you go. We'll do it now. We do it now during this break and then we'll come back and we'll talk about it yeah fine let's see if he can join meds sir what's happening everyone it's time to tell you about our sponsor manscaped.com who are now available in all tesco retail stores all over ireland so if you're from the emerald isle and your balls need a bit of a whiz, get down to Tesco, buy yourself a Manscaped, or go to manscaped.com and use the promo code WARD20. What can they get from Manscaped, Dan?

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Christmas is coming your cock is getting hairy shave it off kill Kenny and find yourself a Manny Galway Cork Dublin

and Dundalk. Part two. Welcome back. I'm here with Dan Nightingale. Hello. I'm like the facially direct opposite of Dan, aren't I? No. Yes, I am.

Facially. You've both got glasses. You've both got a beard. Has he got a beard? Yeah. He's got stubble. Oh, yeah. You can't really tell, though, because it kind of blends into his face. Yeah. What else don't you like about Dan? he got a beard? Yeah. He's got stubbly. Oh, yeah. You can't really tell though because it kind of blends

into his face. Yeah. What else don't you like about Dan? He's a pasty bitch. He's a pasty bitch. He is a pasty bitch. Well, the hair is the obvious place to start.

You don't like his hair? You don't like his hair? No, no. As in, in terms of diametric opposites. I love everything about Dan. In fact, sitting on this... Do you dye your hair?

No. Do you know? No. It does look like you do. Really? Yeah. Thank you. It's not a compliment. It looks stupid. By the way, we did... in fact sitting on this you dye your hair no do you know no it does look like you do really yeah thank you it's not a compliment it looks stupid by the way we did i think it looks fucking great actually adam did the mentor test with us all watching and he got 94 it might have been one of the easiest things yeah that was easy but that was homogeneous because it wasn't the actual test

though yeah it look i'm just you know i'm i'm i'm insanely gifted and talented he was going to book the let him book the original test and then we'll see i i think he would to be honest i do think he would become a member of mentor i think from the have a word team it's you and that's it yeah i think so as well anyone with a as well. Anyone with a degree in the room? Without a degree in the room, even? Yeah. I think Carl would run you close. Because I was too intelligent

to be fucking suckered by the university system. Yeah, Carl would run you close, but he wouldn't get in. Why is that? You're not as clever as me. Based on? You never were at school. I've got a degree,

which is further than school. I know. So are you basing it on a lower English language? Exactly. I've been doing that which is further than school I know so are you basing it on a lower English language exactly I've been doing that since I was fucking four

yeah but having a degree doesn't necessarily I've got masters I know yeah that doesn't mean anything having a degree

has nothing to do with intelligence having a degree has nothing to do with intelligence yeah no it's not

insanity it's not you can get a degree in media no it depends on the subject there's many more intelligent people who don't have a degree

that doesn't mean how does that make any sense you're using just the fact you have a degree and I don't as a measure of intelligence no but you're saying people who don't have it that means you don't have to be intelligent to get one you don't university degree is a physical

copy of your intelligence it isn a physical copy of your intelligence. It isn't a copy of your intelligence. It's a record of your education. Education and intelligence are not the same thing. I can't believe I'm agreeing with Adam. Education and intelligence are not even remotely the same thing. Do you think someone who's stupid could get my degree? What's your degree?

You don't have to have a degree to be intelligent, but you need to be intelligent to have a degree. No, you don't. Unless it's an art. No, you don't. I don't. Unless it's an art. No, you don't. No. See, I'm backing away there. Yeah.

No, you don't. Yeah, but it's an art. What's an art? What do you mean? Get a degree in an art subject. If you do an art subject, you don't have to be intelligent. You have to be intelligent

to be able to get a degree in an art subject. Why? Because art, you have to be intelligent. But you've just said you don't have to be intelligent to get a degree. Performance-based. You don't have to be intelligent to get a degree.

There's loads of really stupid people who've got degrees yeah loads of them but I'm not one of them I was never saying that I think Steve was

I feel it but I don't say it yeah just saying I do feel a lot of pressure sitting on this side you know why

because it's close to the buttons yeah do you know what other buttons? Because it's close to the buttons. Yeah. Do you know what other buttons do? Yeah. Do you know what a degree? Cha! Upset me! What does that do?

That says, cha upset me. It does. I've got a degree. A degree in the buttons. In game brown. Do you want a question? Yeah. This is from Kapil Pal.

It's a nice name. Who? Oh, I know Kapil Pal. Yeah. Good is from Kapil Pal it's a nice name who oh I know Kapil Pal yeah good guy Kapil yeah he's always whenever you do a show

he's always there yeah go on Kapil this is from Kapil Pal alright lads lots of athletes and musicians

have superstitions such as Gary Lineker never taking shots in the warm up as he didn't want to waste goals and save them for the game.

Do superstitions exist in stand-up and do you guys have any? Good question. I always have odd socks on when I'm doing a gig. Really? Yeah. I never have a wank three days before a gig. That's absolute bollocks.

It is bollocks. How infrequently do you gig? Three days. I haven't waked in years I always have odd socks on if I'm doing a gig I don't know why

I've never actually mentioned this before either but yeah right okay they have to also be the same thickness we've got a gig

tonight yeah let's see has he got odd socks on is it a superstition or is it because you just can't put socks on

One black Nike sock Oh yeah but they're not the same Correct Do they have to be the same thickness That way you can't wear An odd thickness What is happening here

Right okay yeah That's true They're not really I mean they're kind of odd They're not the same So they are odd I don't know I mean

They are odd socks If you bought a pack of them And they came You'd be like Oh they're odd They're odd socks if you bought a pack of them and they came you'd be like oh they're odd they're odd socks yeah they are they are kind of

normally I am normally it's a little bit like I've got a lot of socks from Arquette yes and like I've got different colours of them so I'd often just wear

two different colours quite a few comics they don't like being paid before the gig yeah that's one that's a superstition I don't give a fuck

about stuff like that I don't care about that because I'm going to smash you the way I'd rather be paid in advance so that I can give that's a superstition I don't give a fuck about stuff like that I don't care about that because I'm going to smash you the way I'd rather be paid in advance so that I can give less of a fuck on stage

yeah yeah or have you been paid burn the gig to the ground yeah got the money have you got any live superstitions I will not walk

over three grids yeah that's insanity if you do that yeah yeah don't walk over three grids and I say hello to magpies

I salute them I say good morning Mr Magpie how's the wife and kids even if it's in the afternoon he's not lying there I've seen it our superstitions are if someone calls

calls you by your name on your way out of the house you have to turn back and wait five minutes before going again I'm gonna have a lot of fun with that every time you stay with me from now on

what in case it's a bad luck it just brings bad luck that's the superstition uh any footwear that's upside down in the house causes arguments any footwear that's upside down in the house causes arguments that's the superstition yeah is the argument to you is causing murder yeah yeah that's another one um there's quite a few superstitions hang on are these with your family

yeah because you said our yeah my family but also I think if there's any Asian listeners and judging by the Adam Rowan Friends gigs there aren't

isn't Kapil Pau Asian yeah Kapil Pau is to be fair yeah I've got loads of Asian fans have you yeah I think so anyway

I don't see colour he's pan sex what with the pan race yeah I the grids thing is just something

that's stuck with me since I was a kid and it's just like what about ladders? what? do you walk under ladders? erm yeah

I mean it's dangerous to do that anyway yeah I don't but it's not because I'm mean, it's dangerous to do that anyway. Yeah, I don't, but it's not because I'm superstitious. It's because I don't want to get killed by the man who could fall off the ladder. It's just safer to walk around it.

Yeah. That's not, I think that's, it's got to do with superstition. No, I'm not worried about getting bad luck from walking under the ladder. I'm worried that like the ladder might slip and the man might fall on my head. Oh,

I thought that was a superstition. I think it's more health and safety. I'm worried that, like, the ladder might slip and the man might fall on my head. I thought that was superstitious. I think it's more health than safety. I'm anti-superstitious. You're anti-superstitious? If there's three grids, I will walk under them. Oh, such a fucking... Fucking edgelord, yeah. Edgelord, yeah.

That makes you worse than me. Because it annoys people. No, it doesn't annoy me. Because grids haven't always existed. Therefore, it's obviously bollocks. It doesn't annoy me. I just think you're a fucking cunt. No, because we're safe.

You're going to get it. It affects your life. It doesn't. Just walk on them. How do you know it doesn't affect your life? Yeah. Because it's a grid. What about your car this year?

How many grids have you walked over? And your car's been fucked. Your car's been fucked. Bad luck. There you go. How much bad shit has happened in your life? Not much. You've crashed this car like 45 times this year.

I invite every bit of bad luck into my life. Do you break mirrors just walking around in your fixers? I mean, no. Why?

Why? Just go and break some mirrors? Go and break the mirror now. We'll follow him. Yeah. Do I have permission? You're buying a new one? I will.

You're buying a new one? No, because it's seven years bad luck for the whole building. Yeah, the whole building. You might have a bad luck and not known it because's seven years bad luck for the whole building. Yeah, the whole building. Bollocks. You might have had bad luck and not known it,

because you might have been going, oh, why isn't this happening for me? It's because you've gone round shagging grids. Behave yourself. Yeah, you let on to a single magpie if he's on his own. I don't do that, but you got that from your mum, surely? I got it from my mum, yeah. And the reason I've got it from my mum

and the reason it's stuck with me is, so my mum was on her way home from London. She lived in London, right? And she'd always had that superstition. She'd always done the magpie thing. Yeah. Right?

So on her way back from London, and on the way back, she seen one magpie on its own and got like a really bad feeling. And she literally made me dad drive around so they could try and find another magpie because she was just a bit fucking mental

and stuff like that. Right. And they couldn't find one. There was just one magpie. Right. And she was just a bit fucking mental and stuff like that right and they couldn't find one there was just one magpie and she was just having a panic attack all the way home and when she got home her nan was dead wow the magpie did did her not have any other illnesses what did her not have no she just died of old age all right what was she what how old was she 38 i don't, but she wasn't expected to die. She got attacked by magpies. Yeah, okay.

You know, I've heard Hitchcock's The Birds. That was about my great-grandmother. Oh, right, yeah, okay, fine. Good reference. She died, yeah. Okay, that's a very good reference. Yeah, that's all true.

We, by we, I mean... Going down a slide. Imagine saying that on a slide, and by we, I mean I Going on a slide. I'm just saying that on a slide. And by we, I mean I'm having fun. RP. We, we. I love your side.

When you see a dead animal, it brings you good luck, apparently. I feel like that's your- If you see a dead pigeon. Really? Yeah, it means- I don't think this is a real one, is it? It's worked out for me.

I've done all right. I'm going, are you killing pigeons? Have you seen a dead animal? Says nothing about who killed them, mate. I've done all right. I'm going, are you killing pigeons? Have you seen it at all? Says nothing about who killed them, mate. I remember. Right. Fuck off. Good luck.

You little pigeon cunt. Eh? Yeah. Before my mum died, I'd never seen a dead pigeon. And then after she died, I saw loads of dead pigeons and life's gone pretty well

for the last eight years. But when she was alive, your life was hell because she was hitting you with sticks yeah yeah all that makes me think is that your mum was the pigeon protector

yeah she is maybe so yeah Trafalgar Square yeah the pigeon protector the one I can't leave the house unless I do an overnight

kick in the kitchen if I don't do it I'm like ahhh I also have another little weird one and it's not a superstition but it's just like i think it's a little bit of autism in me to be honest with you yeah so if i'm this is not like it's only if i noticed that i'm doing it yeah so if you'd ever see me and you're like oh he didn't do it there i'm just not thinking about it but if i'm conscious of my feet i always have to end a sequence of steps on my left

foot and i always start them on me right i don't i don't disbelieve that okay i laugh and by sequence of steps what i mean is so for example if i'm on a cobbled street and i'm about to go on to like a paved street into the rover's return. Right? Yeah. My last step on the cobbles will be with me left foot. And do you adjust your feet in between to make sure? I will. So if I'm judging the distance between me and the end of the cobbles and I think, oh, I'm going to end on my right foot,

I'll do like a couple of short steps so that I end on my left instead. Wow. I always take a step when i get onto some steps my first step is always my right foot yeah it's the same thing yeah but like in my head it has to be even so in my head even if i haven't because i haven't been thinking about it at the time yeah i've always started on my right foot which and that's why i have to end on my left i like it that's india okay do you mean because it like it has to be even like you might notice

I fidget quite a bit right and do you know if I scratch my head there I'll also scratch that one immediately after I know that it's second have you seen that in me

no I think I do that like if I like if I like crack that finger like that I'll also do the other one on the other hand we've got two there as well that's good noise

I have to put my right shoe on first I think I do that But I'm not sure I don't notice until I'm doing it But if I go to put my left shoe on It feels weird Yeah That sucks

So there will be some times Where I don't do what I'm saying Because I'm not thinking about it But if I think about it Right foot first Left foot last I wank with my left hand Same

And I'm right with my right hand Yeah And I think mine is to do with the fact that because i was raised muslim all the dirty actions were done with your left hand so to me we got told this recently do you know what it is it's the computer mouse is on the right hand side so when you're skipping through the porn that's why that's why muslims do it that's why muslims do all the day that makes sense that's why's why Muslims do all the dating. That makes sense, doesn't it? That's why Muslims do all the dating, actually, with the left hand,

because the right hand's too busy doing admin. The admin do work. Clickety-clickety. Maybe that is what it is. I mean, it has to be, because I'm right-handed, and I usually left-hand, and I think it's because, back then, your mouth was... I've tried to jazz myself off

with my left hand and it just doesn't work it just isn't right when I try with my right hand I can't do it I can't it's weird but you know

I'm right handed I'm a wankstress no because that would mean you can wank with both you can with both I can but I don't want to yeah of course you can I can

I can also take penalties with my left foot it's not very well yeah superstitions there's the superstitions yeah the penalties with my left foot yeah superstitions there's the superstitions yeah the

right foot left foot is probably my weirdest one and also like just everything has to be like symmetrical and even like often like I'll like have an itchy upper lip

but I'll also do the bottom one even if it's not itchy do you just do you just itch your lip there do you just scratch your lip you like symmetry have you ever there do you scratch your lip you like symmetry have you ever scratched your lips

with your hands no what kind of fucking psych do I have to do that what scratch your that's not your lip that's your face

you scratch your lips with your hands that's mental that's literally what your teeth are for that is the primary function of teeth I itch my lips

with my teeth more than I use them to buy food have you ever scratched the top of your mouth you know i scratch my lips you know i scratch my lips with my hands i want your tongue what about your tongue scratches his tongue with his hands he's licking on yeah yeah i'm itchy now what do you need? Right This is a comedy one

Would you like a comedy one? Yeah sure Whatever We're comedians This is from Michael Hughes Hello Michael Hughesy Mikey

Often when people make jokes About certain events Mickey, Mickey, Hughes Mickey, Hughes Mickey, Mickey, Hughes They sing my name In a football style Especially ones involving

Death and tragedy I wasn't listening to the start You're going to have to start again Often when people in a football style. Especially ones involving death and tragedy. I wasn't listening to the start. You're going to have to start again. Often when people make jokes about certain events, especially ones involving death and tragedy, they will use the phrase, that's too soon. I know there's an element of some people thinking

it's edgy for edgy's sake or punching down rather than make a clever joke. In the comedy world, how do you decide when something is too soon or off limits? Have you ever made the wrong call is there anything off limits for you there's no subject that's off limits yeah agreed no subject um it's just about how you approach it and how you make it not just like this is this

is the difference between someone who wants to talk about darker subjects today's guest george zack's a really good example of this when he wants to be dark and intelligent about stuff he's really really good some of the stuff he did last night was excellent um we've been doing adam rowan friends all week by the way me he's shannon george and um there's a difference between someone just going making a joke where the punchline is ah dead baby yeah and george has got a routine about um i won't ruin the bit in case anyone wants to see him but about being on an airplane and how many babies are on the plane if the plane goes down and how that affects how it would be reported yeah that is a joke that and he says the word dead baby a hundred times and at no point does it feel like a cheap yeah hack dead baby joke yeah that's that's the difference on

like how stuff is just an edgelord comic who's just fucking shit a comedy getting a cheap laugh by going and then a fucking raped her as a punchline yeah then talking about the the concept of rape and what and like not that there's always a huge amount of human in any of these subjects it's about finding it in a way where someone who has got a lived experience of the dark stuff you're talking about would hopefully not be offended by what you're saying that's that's ideally what you're trying to do is talk about dark subjects in a way that if there's someone in the room who is affected by the subject you're talking about, they are happy you've spoken about it

because you're shining a light on it and not making victims of events or attacks the butt of the joke. That's the difference. It's your terrorism bit, isn't it? Yeah. My terrorism routine, the butt of the joke is the terrorist. Yeah, not terrorism.

And look, it'd be very easy to sort of go through my back catalogue and find bits where I'm being a bit hypocritical. Yeah, as you could with all comedy, and there's no... It's not black and white, there's a lot of grey areas and stuff like this. And sometimes you just say something because it's funny and you're trying to say the worst thing to make your mates laugh. That's okay as well, at times. And it's the comedian's personal judgment call and

something being too soon again depends on where you're saying it why you're saying it and how you're saying it these questions that we get that obviously they provoke a bit of conversation like this but they're very hard to answer with a one-size-fits-all comment because like the day the queen died or the day after I got on stage and said you know do you reckon she came again after Philip died

that was the opening line to my set that's often the best time for me when something like that happens the best time is near the thing I think there's something that comes

it disarms everyone doesn't it weirdly but I think there's something that is too late as opposed to too soon. Hold on to it. What I mean by too late is like you do a bit, like a Maddie McCann joke.

Yeah. It's too late now. It's too late. Yeah, now it's just like, leave it. Yeah. It's hack and it's boring. And also there have been like some edgier... But also you wouldn't do a Maddie McCann joke even,

or you wouldn't do a Queen joke. I wouldn't have done a Queen joke at the time if I was gigging in I don't know Chipping Norton Chiswick Chiswick yeah like a fancy suburb

of London where there's probably going to be a load of flag shaggers in the audience who give a shit like someone they love

is dead I made that joke at phase one in front of a crowd that had came to see me yeah they know who i am and what i'm but there's a time and a place and it's it's the comedian's judgment call with every individual thing to judge whether something's too soon and or indeed too late yeah but then also sometimes the decision as to whether something is off limits for where

the kind of comedians where we think nothing is off limits you can attempt to joke about anything you can attempt to joke about absolutely anything it might not always fly but sometimes it does but sometimes it being too soon

or just off limits gets policed by the audience like and it can be extreme so I've had as you know I've had death threats for some of the stuff

that I've said guy turned up with a knife at a gig because he was unhappy with my what he thought was anti-Muslim I've said guy turned up with a knife at a gig because he was unhappy with my what he thought was anti-Muslim stuff how did you know

he had a knife because he showed me like a knobhead when you were on stage yeah so what happened was he saw me one week this was at Backyard Comedy Club he comes up to me afterwards

and he goes you shouldn't be making all these anti-Islamic jokes was he a Muslim well apparently that's how he presented himself and I said well I'm not making anti-Islamic jokes it'd a Muslim well apparently that's how he presented himself and I said well I'm not making anti-Islamic jokes

it'd be really really funny if he wasn't yeah he was just like a really devout Christian the biggest white knight he'll ever see

yeah I'm Jewish me mate but still stop it this anti-Islam stuff bang out of order leave them alone they're bad enough

and then he said oh if you carry on I'm going to do something about it I'm like I mean you're fucking not though are you and the next week he turned up and he showed me his knife before we went into the gig.

Now, obviously he did that as a power play to be like, I can control what this guy says. I just went on stage and I said, there's a guy here with a knife who wants to stab me over there. You should have showed them yours. They turned the house lights on. Did they get him out?

Yeah. Of course they got him out. No, they were like'll actually stay, lad. I just wanted to be well lit. If anyone sees him standing up at any point, alert me. Yeah, because the light would bounce off the knife and you'd see him getting up. Yeah.

If I was in there, I'd just got my knife out and just been blind. You would have a photo shoot. Like a watch. So what, did he just leave and you never saw him again? I haven't seen him again since But maybe he's Waiting for me to do a bigger show

And my thing is I wouldn't mind Getting non-fatally stabbed Because I think that would be good It would benefit your career It would be incredible For his career Yeah

People would really back me I would mind I don't want to Ever be stabbed In any capacity What if he missed That would be good No

I don't want to i don't want anyone to ever knife attack me i get it successfully or unsuccessfully do you get it you know what i mean yeah i reckon in the moment be quite terrifying and i reckon it would probably make me anxious for all future performances i agree so i think it would be quite um i have quite the negative impact on my ability as a performer. If I was constantly worried about a knife attack. I'll tell you there's a really good shining example of this.

You know Dave Chappelle played Hot Wheels Comedy Club. Yeah. And was on stage you know just telling jokes and inhaling alcohol. And afterwards

he wanted to go for some food. Yes. And we said oh there's a place that's like a five, ten minute walk and we'll take you there. And we said, oh, there's a place that's like a five, 10-minute walk and we'll take you there. And he was like, great. No, that wasn't open.

That was the problem. So it was, it's just down the road. And he was like, okay, I'll meet you there. And we thought, oh, he's just getting off because he got in a car down the road. He was just nervous about being attacked because he'd just been attacked not long ago, a few months earlier on stage in LA

with the guy who went at him who was accusing him who was accused of being transphobic and stuff that has affected him you can see it in him he had two guys in the wings no but he's always got

two guys in the wings that's always been the thing he's always had security because he's you know he's so famous he's the most famous comedian maybe ever well Bobby Davro

yeah Bobby Davro of course he's got six people around him at all times. But he's, that has really affected Chappelle. You can really see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like he's nervous around people. He's consciously like, what's going on? We weren't allowed to take a photograph of even ourselves in the Chinese restaurant. Jeff Ross took one

and was like, I'll send you there. Yeah. But he was like, no other photographs. At one point, Carl tried to take a little picture

to send to our group chat just to tell Dan we're in the Chinese with Dave Chappelle. Dave Chappelle. And it was a dodgy picture but you could sort of tell it was him.

And Carl put it in the group chat and I opened it on my phone and Jeff Ross went, don't. Because he thought I was about to tweet it. Yeah. Right. You weren't even allowed to be on my phone and Geoff Ross went, don't. Because he thought I was about to tweet it. Yeah. Right.

You ain't even allowed to be on your phone around them and stuff. Put your phone down. Don't be on your phone around them because in their head they're like,

right, they're telling people Dave Chappelle's here. There's going to be a load of people here and one of them might attack him. The thing is with comedy,

because of its proximity to the audience and the best comedians make it look like you're just having a chat. Everyone thinks that their acts have a point to us and particularly when they have a word as well, everything that like you're just having a chat. Everyone thinks that their access point to us,

and particularly when they have a word as well, everything that you've done with have a word, the access point seems so much closer that people just think that they can just

do something like that. I mean, imagine trying to stab me. I still maintain that I wouldn't mind. Like, don't do it. Yeah, that's not... You wouldn't mind. I wouldn't... You would mind. Yeah, don't do it. Yeah, that's not... You wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't... You would mind. Yeah, I might mind. It would probably really... It would be terrifying for the rest of your life. You'd have such severe anxiety about going back on stage. If anything like that ever did happen. Kind of fun and dangerous, though, isn't it?

Speaking of anxiety, can you press the advice button, please, Sian? So that's the second from the top right. Second from the top right. Second from the top right. That one? Yeah, but the... My name, I'm here to help. Here to help.

I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. Don't press it, just slide it down. If you do, you might do too. Time. See, you could be a producer. Well done. Hey, Sean.

This is from Joe Riley. This is some advice. Rizzo! Rizzo, yeah. Jaws. Rizzo Rizzo yeah Joss Joss Rizzo Joss Wag Waggy Legends I have trouble

and anxiety travelling to places outside of my comfort zone and the thought of going somewhere I'm not familiar with

sends me into a panic such as going abroad or somewhere away for the week just to recharge what is your guys advice on how to conquer and get over

this stay home yeah stop in the shits house stop in the shits house and get over there

yeah stay home go on google earth map out the place you want to go to that's actually really good advice and that is not what we do here

sorry go on google earth map out the place you want to go to find some bits that you might want to visit so you have and that is not what we do here. Sorry. Go on Google Earth, map out the place you want to go to, find some bits that you might want to visit so you have a sense of familiarity before you go there and go there. Find the exit routes.

Find the exit routes, know how you need to get out, whatever, or speak to a refugee. They're very good at knowing how to deal with unfamiliar surroundings. Yeah. He could never be a refugee, this guy.

We're fleeing war. No, we're not. I'm staying here. I'm staying here. I don't like the idea of going to England. There's so much water. No, I don't know it. I know where the bombs are coming from here.

I can't Google Earth, the English channel. That's what I say. So yeah, just plan ahead. The only way he's going to ever get over channel. That's good advice. So yeah, just plan ahead. The only way he's going to ever get over that is by just facing it. I know that sounds so stupid. I know that's impossible. But I feel like I'm in a position to talk about this

because I've coped with my health anxiety by doing a version of what I'm telling him to do. By being unhealthy. No. Yeah. I just know I'm unhealthy. I keep eating, drinking,

and I've taken up smoking because that's my way of facing my health anxiety. Look, I am unhealthy, but I'm still alive, aren't I? That's definitely

a coping mechanism, by the way. That is. People controlling their unhealthiness to control their health. That's definitely a thing. People being in control

of the bad things you do, still doing it, but being aware that it's bad. I do that with food and stuff. I think that's definitely a thing. Possibly. But what he should do is just travel as much as possible. And I know that sounds stupid, and he's like, oh, that's the one thing I can't do.

That's the only way he's going to get over what he's got, is by just doing it enough to know that nothing bad happens when he does. I cannot wait for him to get mugged when he goes traveling in Italy or something. Can't wait. I can't wait. Why do you want everyone to get stabbed?

Why do you want to get mugged, don't stab this one. He needs to do one thing, doesn't he? With a friend. Get it done and then be like, okay, I can't do that. Start small, go to like Tesco. Tesco. Go to not your Tesco. By the way-

That's awful. That's honestly one of the worst things in the world. Don't do that. Oh, my anxiety. What's happened? Not your Tesco. Right, listen, right, listen, cause me and Kyle have already spoken about this.

Do you know, do you have like your supermarket? Yeah. The big one near you. Yeah. What's it, what one is it it's a tesco extra right so a big tesco yeah huge have you ever been in another big tesco yes how horrible is that that experience of not being in your one where you're like oh i know where the bread aisle will be it's all it's where the bread aisle obviously is yeah right near the back near where all the

bakery stuff is no it isn't is it for some reason in the other Tesco it's in between the frozen pizzas and the underwear. Yeah. No. It's in the pet aisle. The thing for me is it starts in the car park because you're like

where are the trolleys? The trolleys are always in the shop. They're always indoors for us. What have you got? The coin? That's the question. I have got the coin.

Yeah. Going to a supermarket that you're not familiar with honestly honestly that the final level of the cube and i know that i've said a million of these could easily be you're in a tesco and do your regular go and find no go and find this one specific item kidney beans from the same i tried to find kidney beans i tried to find kidney beans in my tesco today i couldn't find

you put me in another tesco unless there's. I couldn't find them. You brought me to another Tesco. Unless it's a kidney bean aisle, I'm fucked. That is one thing I'll say about Lidl. All Lidls are pretty much the same. They don't really change the layout too much. Aldi's the same. You come in, the bread's on the left. Yes.

All like the bacon and stuff. Shampoo's on the right. Lawnmowers at the top. But they are all the same in that like the the left aisle and the far right aisle very similar and the center aisle is chaos yeah and it's just you know it's whatever they found at boot sales that week yeah yeah like that is a car boot sale yeah the middle aisle of aldi or little is just yeah we've got garden gnomes and we've got tasers. Would you like a flamethrower or a dog bed? Would you like this flamethrowing dog bed?

JML. Your dog like flamethrowers. New JML. Yeah, go to a Tesco that isn't yours and if you can face that, you can face anything. If you can do that, you can anything if you can do that you can go you can become Mozambique yeah and you'll be fine you'll be Mozambique's probably got quite good transport networks

shout out Mozambique All right, lads. I hope you're enjoying today's episode. I'm not on it because I'm finishing my 2022 tour, Smasher. So I'm having a week off. It's been the best thing I've ever done this tour. Thanks to everyone that's come. It's been an absolute pleasure. We were meant to do 2,500 tickets. We've ended up doing like 7,500. It's been a joy. So we're keeping that momentum

going. And next year's autumn tour, my stand-up tour, is Dan Nightingale's special. We're going from the very end of August through to November, finishing the tour at the Liverpool Philharmonic on November the 22nd. So tickets are available at www.dannightingale.com right now. Please go and buy them. Buy them as a Christmas prezzy. We're getting bigger rooms in London. We've got a bigger room in Middlesbrough instead of Stockton. Obviously, the Phil is such a touch that I'm playing that. And we've also added, along with all the places I've done on this tour,

Edinburgh, Carlisle, Skipton, Newcastle, Hull, York, Ilkley, Southport, Sale, Sheffield, Lincoln, Grimsby, Leicester, Warwick, Oxford, Bristol, Brighton, Bangor and Finn. Real. I really appreciate the support, guys. Enjoy the rest of the episode. DanNightingale.com for tickets.

Get on me. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Therapy Online. Dan, have you been using BetterHelp? Yes. Really good point, Dan. BetterHelp is a way to get therapy online without leaving your house.

What you do is you sign up, you tell the people the problems you're having, the issues you want to discuss with the therapist, and they match you with someone who specialises in the area you're after i've got quite a few friends who've been using better help online and they can't speak higher of it a lot of people get anxiety about leaving the house to go and see a therapist there's just a lot of benefits to doing it online matched up with a specialist practitioner who can help you with the trauma or the issues if you need a bit of self or the issues. If you need a bit of

self-empowerment, if you need a bit of coping skills to learn how to deal with your anxiety, BetterHelp can help you do that. And also you get 10% off your first month if you go to betterhelp.com slash word 10. That's betterhelp.com slash word 10. Do it now, support our sponsors like they support us and get yourself some therapy online in your house without leaving it. All right?

We're back and there's an immigrant in the room. Hey, Sean. How are you doing? How are you, Sean? Very much, very much born and bred in the UK.

Disgusting. Very much. Who are you, Sean? George Zaxia, ladies and gentlemen. George Zacaropoulos. much born and bred in the UK. Disgusting. Very much. George Zach, say it ladies and gentlemen. Zacharopoulos. Zacharopoulos. Why don't you go by your full name on stage? Because idiot English people don't know how to pronounce it. You're a sellout.

No, we do. Don't watch. You ready? Zacharopoulos. Yeah, you can. Okay. Yeah. Well done now.

I got it. But when I was starting, it seemed like a lot for compass. We're like, who's this dickhead? Zacharopoulos. Do, you can. Okay. Yeah. Well done now. I got it. But when I was starting, it seemed like a lot for compass. We're like, who's this dickhead? Zacharopoulos. Do you have a middle name? No. Well, in Greece,

they give you like your- George knows Zacharopoulos. No. No. Do you have a middle name? Yeah. Navid. That's stupid.

What's that? What's Navid? Benevolent. Benevolent. Yeah. Wow. That's a good name actually thank you

sorry hang on so your name is God what's Akbar again the greatest the benevolent greatest

what's his name I'm the most benevolent greatest light of the moon that's what Ishan means how in the world are you going to grow up and not be as confident

as you are when your name is so ridiculous hang on the light of the moon just means the sun grow up and not be as confident as you are when your name is so ridiculous? Hang on, the light of the moon just means the sun. So that means there's someone brighter than you? No, but I light up the dark. That's what I do.

All right. I don't know. I always say that about you. Yeah. Say it with me. Whenever I'm in mine and all the lights go off, I'm always like,

oh, honey, in Shambazia, I'll be able to see what I was doing. When it's dark, as soon as Ishan was here. I was able to see what I was doing. When it's dark, as soon as Ishan smiles, the whole room gets lit up. I say that about you all the time. I actually do say that

about you. Thank you. I've been like, you know what, like sometimes when I'm dark, I just need Ishan to come and light up my life. What does George mean?

It's your Sunni disposition. Oh, I see what you did there. Sunni Muslim. Yes, Muslim. Thank you. It's my second language guys

my second language i'm doing tons what's your language oh yeah i'm greek i haven't mentioned i haven't mentioned it actually i'll tell you what my name means if you break it down so uh pulos means son of son of um. But poulis in Greek also means... Chicken. Yeah. Yeah. And penis. So you're the son of a chicken penis?

And sugar is sugar. And it's Zuckero is sugar. And George Yorgos is a farmer. So if you translate my name, it's Sugar Dick Farmer. Sugar Dick Farmer. Sugar Dick Farmer. No, but you missed out chicken.

No, wait. Wait. The sugar dick chicken farmer. The chicken farmer. You got the chicken bit there as well. No, no, it's police. No, it's like sugar dick farmer. Sugar dick farmer. Yeah, sugar dick farmer.

How would you farm sugar dicks? What the fuck's a sugar dick? No, no, no, no, no. You're getting it wrong. He doesn't farm sugar dicks. He is the sugar dick. He's a farmer. And he's a farmer.

I am the sugar dick farmer. He's the sugar dick farmer. Oh, he farms sugar with his dick. The sugar dick farmer. And the farmer I am the sugar dick he's the sugar dick farmer or he farms sugar with his dick the sugar dick farmer and women are sucking him off they're always like

fuck hell you're so sweet yeah that sounds like another Greek myth that needs to be written about the sugar dick farmer the myth of the sugar dick farmer George the sugar dick farmer it can be added to our list of cartoons

along with the time travelling lesbian Peter the cock sucking cowboy what was the other one? What was the little Jewish boy? Swim alone shark. Kanye. No, we had the little Jewish boy who was at a time...

Maybe that was the time-travelling lesbian. Yeah, it was. No, it was George the sugar dick farmer, not Peter the sugar dick farmer. Yeah, Peter. Don't get your sugar dick farmers mixed up. I was thinking of cocksucking cowboy. My mistake.

George. George, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. We were talking very nicely about you in the first half about your ability

to do dark humour about dead babies and not make it cheap. Yeah, it's very good. No, no, when I do dead baby jokes,

nuance is my greatest quality. I aspire for greatness, guys. How does comedy work different in Greek? Like, can you do comedy in your language? Is it different? Yeah, have you ever done comedy in Greek? I have.

It was horrendous. Like, my parents were there. Like, you know, like here, if I have gigs in which I bomb, like, I know I've bombed when I have people coming up to me and they go,

well, at least second language, can't argue with that. They're not saying, that was great. They're going, good English there. That's what I know I've tanked again. You speak so well. Yeah, they go, wow, I'm still very brave. But they did it in greek and um i mean were you in greece when you did it

yeah i mean imagine if i wasn't i'd be mental you could be he was in fucking york a greek restaurant yeah What to the three people Who work there There's a Greek community In the UK Is there Yeah Oh yeah

There's Greek town There's Chinatown Greek town Yeah Whitby has a massive Greek population It's not Chinese town Is it

They serve the food Into your hands Because they have no plates Hey Hey You'd love that in your culture You love eating with your hands Don't you

We do yeah Yeah there you go What is the plate Much made in heaven What is the eating with your hands Don't you Yeah There you go What is the plate Match made in heaven What is the plate stuff They just love Have you ever smashed a plate Yeah I know it's good

But when Have you I don't know where it came from But have you tried it Is it good It feels amazing When do you do it Like are there specific times

You smash plates Tuesday mornings It's been there you know When we kill the Turkish person You wake up First thing You turn over when we kill the turkish person turn the alarm off that's how it started some some console i went off and it was not that he couldn't reach it but he just smashed it with a plate and he's like

that felt good actually and, and I'm awake. What was the plate? No, no, no, this is not. This is a stupid theory, Adam. What? No, how it started, I reckon, is people were having so much fun at a party, like a wedding or something.

They were like, I need to smash shit up. Plate was there. Bouche felt great. Why would they go for a plate? If you were at a party, and everyone's having a good time, I don't think I'd go for a plate first. You can't smash glasses. You chuck a glass. No, you can't go for your wife.

It's in public. You have to go for the plate. Yeah. Smash your wife. Everyone smashes their wife. Yeah! I'm having such a great time! What could we smash?

Well, we couldn't smash plates, could we? Because you'd just have to rip paper off. You can't have plates at a party no what could we smash then napkins smash napkins they'd be tables wouldn't you have to like rock yeah that's a table yeah yeah soup looks onto a table listen it's fun you know it's amazing here i am in the most prominent podcast in the uk and the first thing they ask me is about fucking plate smashing. Lad, you're the only Greek that we're ever going to have on. Have you ever had any other immigrants? Immigrants?

Yeah. Not immigrants. No, we've had people from other countries, but they've had the good grace to leave again. Also, we ask the obvious questions. People want to know these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm down, I'm down.

The first thing I ever did for the BBC they made me smash plates so you know did they oh yeah it was horrendous what were you asking me then is Helen Bauer from Germany

or is she English I think she was born in England raised in Germany but then we've also had Louisa Golder on we've had Shane Gillis on these are people from other countries but they've left again

George is one of the ones who we have a problem with they come and then they take our work and they go smash our plates smash our plates there is a food crisis in the UK George is one of the ones who we have a problem with. They come and then they take our work and they stay. Smash our plates. Smash our plates.

There was a food crisis in the UK. Was that? There was a food crisis in the UK. There was a plate crisis. Not enough plates going around. If anything,

he's doing us a favour because the less plates there is, the less food we have to fill them with. That's true. Guys, I'm not sure either of you can be discussing

the food crisis. Look at the state of you, you fat cunts. Wow. Christ. That was just I'm not sure either of you can be discussing the food crisis look at the state of you you fat cunts wow wow Christ that was just completely uncool I don't think George

I don't think George knows what he looks like you know I think here's what's happened I reckon this is what I think about George and I reckon this is probably

really accurate and you can help me out let me finish and then you can I'm listening so I reckon when George was younger like puberty time

so it's like 14 to 18 I reckon no one fucked him right and he was really depressed about how he looked and his behaviour and who he was as a person

his personality his face his body his speech awful he was just really depressed like oh I am disgusting I'm a pig

right especially compared to most Greek men who were gorgeous gorgeous yeah that's true and I reckon then He was just really depressed and like, oh, I am disgusting. I'm a pig. Right? Especially compared to most Greek men who were gorgeous. Gorgeous, yeah, that's true. And I reckon then he started comedy and he's got quite good at it

and people have started to fuck him and it's given him a false perception of, oh, I'm attractive now. And he doesn't realise it's just a trick that women fall for.

I've also had a rumour that he has got a massive dick. There is a rumour about that. I can imagine he's got a pipe like that. There's a rumour. Look at the little smile

on his face. Apparently he's got a huge dick i'm packing really sorry i didn't mean it i didn't look at you when i was saying that right am i right i had sex for the first time uh age 20. now that's a year before me but i was like you were 21. Oh, you pair of virgins. Not anymore. How old were you? 12? I was nine, me. He shagged our maths teacher.

I shagged the maths teacher when I was nine. Mr. Dumb Woody. It isn't true. It isn't true. Yeah, it isn't true. It's not true. It's good.

I don't imagine you impressing the maths teacher in any way. He went to maths. He was studying maths at uni. Did you have him at uni? No, he didn't. He went to the freshman left. Don't start.

He didn't study anything. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, he got in. He got admitted to uni. Absolutely got in. He got admitted to uni to study maths. Admitted?

My God, I'm so mad. You've been sanctioned. You've gone to the uni, Liverpool. Come on. it uni of liverpool that you got into yeah this will never happen again i have an uncle my mom's maiden name is dunwoody and he is a math teacher but he lives in for me so he wasn't yours but that'll never ever happen again i think he is from is his name chris no oh that's weird we had a mr dunwoworthy maths teacher. Yeah. And I fucked him. And he fucked him up the ass.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. George, what you do with a big dick? Yeah, George, what that dick do? I've got like a good medium dick. It's not big. So I don't know what you do with a big dick.

Are you a grower, Rochelle? I'm a grower. I am a grower. I am the definition of a grower I'll tell you I'm a grower I am the definition of a grower yeah me too yeah like honestly

like I hide my dick in public toilets yeah yeah I don't like it because I'm like if someone like they'll literally be like this isn't

it's not like a maggot but it's not big in the toilet it's a maggot but as soon as I get even remotely excited I could do some fucking damage

to some third world countries it's retractable that's what you want yeah oh totally yeah but people don't believe you But as soon as I get even remotely excited, I could do some fucking damage to some third world countries. It's retractable. That's what you want. Yeah. Oh, totally. Yeah, but people don't believe you. If you see my dick in your eye,

you would not believe how big it gets. Yeah. But I also wouldn't want to know how big it gets. Have girls told you that they like that it's not too big? No. Oh my God. Because it is too big. It goes from non-existent to too big.'s a transformer possible but what does a big dick do yeah are you are you a grower or a shower so this is a situation i didn't know i didn't know about

the size of um a man who had been in any way good when i was like 15 i was a late bloomer it's true like no one want to fuck me. Very traumatic stuff. Absolutely nailed it there. You know, it really brought back some memories there. I know George thinks he's attractive now because he told us last night that he thinks that jumper's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

I really like this jumper. It doesn't make any sense. Dan's the same. Dan doesn't read clothes and clearly i'm not look this is like um i've had i've had sex because of this jumper i've had someone come up to me and they said i love your jumper and then and then and then he said i made it i'm six fuck me that's horrendous why would you say that? Oh, my God. I remember you talking in the face like about nuance.

Like, sometimes it's just for the sake of it. What is this? That was a good example of when not to do that. You're really, like, honestly, with the amount of pedophilia in your people. You should not be making these jokes, man. It's fucking horrendous, honestly. It's not pedophilia. It's grooming.

It's different. It's grooming. You know, that thing. No, no, no, honestly. It's not pedophilia, it's grooming, it's different. It's grooming, you know, that thing. No, no, no, no. Stop it. Do you know what? I've been convinced for a while now,

the amount of shit that gets said on this podcast, it's going to be when there's a co-hosting and a guest. They're going to get the show cancelled. It's never going to be

anything me, Dan, or you do. It's going to be two other people. We can fucking boogie on the line. We've boogied on the line. You've't know what the line is. We boogied on the line. You just shit all over the line.

Is that your people? Maybe I'm spying on them. You made it worse. I think the problem is that you're assuming what your people means. What does your people mean? I'm at bankers. You racist prick. I want to know what a big dick was.

Man, white people, these guys, don't get it, do they? What do you mean white people? Greek people are white people. I'm white. He's all of any. Other.

I'm white other. White other? Yeah. This isn't an online form. All the privilege, none of the guilt. White other, baby. This is privilege, none of the guilt. Wait, baby,

this is me. Ultimate white pride there. What does a big dick do? The key questions. I think this is more about Carl than me. What are the top? This is how, like when I was 15,

I went swimming with like my friends, you know, like we're 15, they jumped in the world naked and I took my clothes off and they looked at me and they started laughing at how small my dick was. And I cycled home crying, terrible time. Anyway, so... Were you naked when you were cycling back? Did you get out of it?

So it was like... You didn't even have time to put me clothes on! I had a small BMX as well, it was not a good sight. So I never thought I had a big dick but every I mean since then I entered puberty

whatever and then I've been sleeping with girls they're like oh my god your dick is so big and I was like every girl says that though

to everybody to make them feel good about themselves and I was I was in Edinburgh this year and I slept with someone in the morning like

when she left, I turned to my buddy Andre, a comedian. Was he in the room? He was, he was in the room. We had sex with him in the,

like, in the corner of the mattress. It was hilarious. I love you. See you later. Andre, was she weird

or was it just me? And I said to him, have girls told you like the dickiest thing in the past and he said no

and Andre is like very good looking he's not he's not you don't think he is he gets like I've seen women like walk up to him

yeah yeah but it's a very odd thing yeah we'll have a look at Andre in the interval yeah carry on so so he said

no like he slept with quite a few girls it was like maybe one or two out of like loads and loads have ever told me anything like that

I said every single girl told me this I think it's bullshit and he went I think it's bullshit now no it isn't I think it's bullshit

have you been swimming with those friends again naked no because you know age 15 is like nice and innocent like in your late 30s fucking weird i don't know i think i think i don't know what you do with your people the bankers

um yeah because if they laughed at you because it was too small they might you know they might be able to verify how do you know they weren't laughing at just how big it is yeah because they said like no maybe they all have fucking ginorm and his was little no he was definitely yours got bigger he got i remember my dick getting bigger during puberty and looking down and going no i will have a view anymore georgie boy he remembers the day remember the grace remember the elongation i always thought greek people had tiny cocks because of the statues. Do you know that's...

Where they were revered. Yeah, but do you know that's like, apparently in ancient times, it would be considered like barbaric to have like big dick on a statue. So they used to put tiny dicks on statues because it was more elegant. So if a sculptor was owed money by like

a general um they would like put a big dick on their sculpture they go fuck everyone would be laughing with him that's why they were laughing at you yeah look at me this stupid massive cock you used to want to be fat because that means you have food and have a little day i am the perfect man from 10,000 years ago. 10,000 years ago, I'm on the cover of fucking Vogue and GQ. With your dick house? Yeah. I'm rich and I've got a small dick.

Oh, man. Right, okay. Good. oh man right okay good so how have any girls told you you have a big dick carl cars only fuck two people but they've i mean it is a thing that girls say isn't it so it's hard to verify it's a thing that girls say but then of us girls and many girls have told me no if i sleep with someone i don't know i don't think they have a big dick i'll just not say anything oh no i get told that but again like in my head i'm not like oh hey i'm like yeah yeah i've i've got my dick up before and had the woman scream what come and hear me with that put it away now and uh did the knife did the knife not help did she know you were in the room put that away for the for the story

Adam was also holding a knife yeah put that away put that up your ass put that away he says dick now put that away

well I have a massive dick clearly what do you say to girls though like you got big tits you sounded like such a virgin that's what I mean they know they've got big like what can you say to girls though? Like, you got big tits. You sounded like such a virgin. That's what I mean. They know you've got big, like what can you say to compliment a girl?

But you, Carl won't actually know how to compliment women. He just knows how to compliment one. Usually, I haven't got a clue. He's your fan, he's lovely. Usually you say things like,

oh, you've got a lovely gag reflex. No, you don't. No way. A lovely gag reflex? Yeah, because there's some good ones. Because if they things like, oh, you've got a lovely gag reflex. No, you don't. No way. A lovely gag reflex? Yeah, because there's some good ones. Because if they're able to like... Surely no gag reflex. Because there's a sexy way of gagging.

There's a sexy way of gagging. You've got a dildo out there, can you show us? No! No, no, no. Make the noise at least. No. no no no make the noise at least no because if if you if you find a girl who's able to yeah wrap her tongue under your penis and onto your balls at the same time yeah the gag there is quite a sexy gag what are you on about so she's taking your whole penis and the tongue is then on your balls. Yeah. Is this Gene Simmons?

That is a long tongue. That's a long tongue. But what I was saying was Carl has only ever really, like he had a sort of childhood relationship when he was like teenager. Yeah. And then he's got his, you know, the love of his life, he's been with her for a long time. He's never had to compliment women really he's never had to i don't need to understand what ticks them over like this you don't need to compliment women that is you're a very handsome man i better be in the street

i'm just saying um i do not have to compliment women go on then then. Imagine I'm a girl. I'm called Stephanie. Yeah. And I'm called Francine. And I'm called Francine. You're going to compliment her first. Francine, where are we? I'm Stephanie. Right.

And where are we? What? We're in a pub. So you, Seneca's gone. Right. Seneca's gone. Yeah, Seneca's gone.

Seneca's gone. She's fell in love with another teacher who works at the school she worked in okay right and that but he's originally

from Nantucket and they've moved there to start their life together okay interesting and they took your new dog as well

what a bitch right yeah what a bitch gone so you're now out and I'm at a bar right

with Francie and I'm like yeah me glasses empty cool Bitch. Gone. So you're now out and I'm at a bar with Francine and I'm like, yeah, me glasses empty. Cool. Glad reflex. Cool.

Cool. So you're opening gambit is, yeah, me glasses, are we this distance away? Are we this distance away? Yeah. My name's Stephanie.

Approach Stephanie. Okay. She's quite a distance away. It's a long walk. How big is this pub? Hello, Stephanie. Hiya, Carl. How do you know his name? I watch the pod.

Done? Need to do nothing? No. So, do you want to fuck me or something? Whoa. No exchange ever happens like this in the history of any exchanges. Do you want to fuck me or something? Whoa. No exchange ever happens like this in the history of any exchanges. Do you want to fuck me or something? Let's talk first, Steph.

Yeah, I'd like to talk first. Tell me what you like about me. I like your pocket watch. Is that a euphemism? Because I haven't got any sort of watch. You have? You've got a pocket watch in your pocket? How'd that get there? What is happening? I'm a magician. Get your hands, get your kicks off.

Easy way. Who's next? Franzine. And then a son comes in going, I love your gag reflex. Yeah, yeah.

I'm there reading a book. You're reading a book in the pub? No, no, I'm in a coffee shop. Cool. Right?

I'm just reading a book. What book are you reading? Don't say it. Were you going to say the Quran? That's what you were going to say. No, I wasn't going to say it. Yeah. I'm just reading a book. What book are you reading? Don't say it. Were you going to say the Quran? That's what you were going to say. No, I wasn't going to say it. Yes. I'm reading Wuthering Heights.

Okay, I'm walking over. Excuse me, sir. You have to buy coffee to Sydney or you have to leave. I work in the coffee shop. Thank you. Is this a book shop or a coffee shop? Coffee shop.

Oh, I thought you said coffee. Carry on. You're going to have to leave, sir, unless you buy a drink. Sir. Sir. My name's Francis. Adam. It's a man, actually. Francis. copy. Carry on. You're going to have to leave, sir, unless you buy a drink. Sir. Sir. My name's Francis.

Adam. It's a man, actually, Derek. Mr. Genderman. Negan. You look like a man. Sorry, madam, you're going to have to buy a drink. What are you reading there, girl? I've got a drink.

That is from an outside place. No, no, this is my takeaway cup. I've got the coffee in here. And what's in that? Is that sneak energy drink that you're drinking there? Yeah, the sneak energy drink. Use code WORDTENER. Check out. It've got the coffee in here. And what's in that? Is that sneak energy drink that you drink in there? Yeah, the sneak energy drink. Use code word 10 at checkout on the sneak website.

I actually got this by using the code word 10 at the checkout when I got it. Very smart, man. Let's go out. I'm a woman! What are you reading there?

Wuthering Heights. Do you? Genuine question. Genuine question. Don't swallow your teas, but you can swallow my cup. Carl genuinely is terrible at this, but do you think that you are a good flirt? Yeah. Do you Genuine question Don't swallow your teeth But you can swallow my cum Carl genuinely is terrible at this But do you think

That you Are a good flirt Yeah Do you Okay I think we should role play a little bit then You should flirt with me This is a lot easier

Because we're closer Yeah okay So I'll be a woman Okay I am called Kimberly Okay My mate's called me Kim Okay

My dad calls me little K Okay He's not called you big K He's yet to meet you Where are you Does anyone call you Little K. Okay. He doesn't know that yet. He's not called you Big K. He's yet to meet you. Where are you? Does anyone call you Special K? No. Okay, they should.

Where are you? Where would you normally go hunting women? You're in a lift. Go hunting women? Yeah, to the woods. Where would you normally go if you were a single man? And you're in a lift. Probably a pub.

Oh, you're in a lift, are you? You're in a lift, but you're in a big lift. Oh, we're in a lift you're in a lift but you're in a big lift oh we're in a big lift like at last stages so i've got to get this before we're trapped in a lift oh we're trapped in a lift yeah the lift is broke we're trapped in a lift all right fine go on go well i wonder how long this is gonna take Sorry I'm Ishan by the way I thought I'd just Introduce myself Because I don't know How long we're going to be here

I'm Kimberley Kimberley lovely to meet you Are you going anywhere nice? Ground floor I was going up actually So this is pretty awkward No wonder it's fucking broke. Yeah, it's broke.

Doesn't know where to go. I know, exactly. You're really funny. I'm a comedian. Are you? I just sound surprised and I think women can be funny. No, I think women can be.

I've never really heard of people saying that they're comedians. I haven't met very many. Really? What do you do? I'm a banker. Oh yeah?

Yeah. Where do you do comedy then? All over a banker. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Where do you do comedy, then? All over the world. All over the world? Where's your favourite place you've done comedy? Is there a reason you're talking to me? Because I think you're beautiful, and I'd like to get to know you better.

I think bankers are cunts who deserve to die. I will quit my job for you. I can never be with anyone who's ever been in that line of work. Ever. Break them walls down in Shanties, there. It's a bit of a take-home. Everly. Break them walls down in Sharnley's there. It's a bit of a take. Come on.

Break the walls down. Do you want to see my property portfolio? Is that what you call your car? That is arsehole. Property portfolio. I don't want to see anything. All right, Kimberly. Well,

I just want you to know that after this hello yeah i'm stuck in the lift i don't know i'm getting signal now just some weirdo my name is azan and he keeps telling me he's a banker My name's Arzan. He keeps telling me. He's a banker. Yeah. No, I'll ring you when I get out.

I'll let you know I'm safe. No, don't worry. I'm sure there's cameras in the lift. Okay. Bye. Who was that? A partner? A partner or a parent it was the police

the police the police the police oh yeah see I don't think you had a very good flask because you couldn't break Kimberley's walls down

I couldn't break Kimberley's walls down Kimberley was impenetrable Kimberley was a bitch what Kimberley was a bitch George what have you done there I just got his knob out

yeah you what get on that just kind of get against a plate He was a bitch. George, what would you have done there? I just got his knob out. Yeah. You what? Get on that. Just kind of get to play. What would you have done? I mean, look, Sean is a very smooth flirt. If you can't crack Kimberley, what can you do?

Yeah, exactly. So how old were you when you arrived on a dinghy into the UK? I flew in with KLM, actually. Oh, you flew in? Yeah, yeah. Four days after 9-11. I don't know if you know anything about that. Four days after 9-11? Yeah, yeah.

Listen, do you know when I'm with both of you individually, I love the racial humour, because I feel like I'm part of like a very exclusive thing you encourage it and we have a laugh yeah and he's the same and we have a laugh but watching both of you do it to each other i don't know why it's making me very uncomfortable really yeah okay well get used to it uh it's weird because it's weird because that's that's all he's thinking you know what inside massive racist he just doesn't want to say it

had you intended to stay when you came to the UK was that the plan did you come to the no I came to study I came to study and I was going to stay here for three years

and then just go back and what did you what were you going to study biochemistry sexy at what course did you actually qualify for and a massive dick

studying it which year did you actually qualify for? And a massive dick. He's studying it. Which uni did you get into? Like maths with statistics. Biochemistry with a massive dick. Which uni did you get into? Northumbria. Is that Newcastle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how I ended up in Newcastle. I knew nothing about it. Had you done stand-up before then? No, I did stand-up in 2010 So, I came here in 2001 I didn't know anything about stand-up Until maybe a year before I did it A week ago

A very easy joke Sean, you'd better know that No, I'm not He hasn't touched it I'm not He's better than that Honestly, I've done gigs with him And he's better

He tries How did you feel? I did the gigs with him and he's better like he tries how did you feel I did the gig with him a day yeah tell them this is a great story this is a fun story so

where was it so it was for Dave Sean yeah but it was a disability showcase a disability showcase so my I was talking to my agent

and he was saying something to me from this side and I said oh I can't hear anything from this side he said why not I'm like because I'm deaf from this side he's deaf in one ear he was saying something to me from this side and I said, oh, I can't hear anything from this side. He said, why not?

I'm like, because I'm deaf from this side. He's deaf in one ear. He was furious, my agent. He's like, how have you not told me that you're deaf from one side? I was like, why should it matter? And he said, because the state of television nowadays, they're looking for this kind of thing. I'm like, that is...

They're listening out for it. Hang on, so you're deaf in one ear and you're deaf in... I'm deaf in both. Yeah, yeah. This is like the Spider-Man. I've got like supersonic hearing and so I like balance the whole... they're listening out for it hey hang on so you're definitely in your death in i'm definitely yeah yeah this is like the spider-man i've got like supersonic here and so i like balance it has to make up for you for the idol so um mix up with it i'm glad we're all having fun carry on so we'll go to the dave showcase and the Sean goes on and he starts talking about how

why is the Sean Akbar here and he takes his earpiece out and he's like putting on the microphone he has a bit of feedback going stop it

he's doing this it's really funny and then I go on and I said like I asked you if it's okay to do this before I did this

and I always say yes to these kind of requests yeah yeah so I went on and I said my name is these kind of requests yeah yeah so I went on and I said my name is George I'm Greek that's not my disability

by the way my disability like Ishan Nakba is I'm deaf also but unlike Ishan Nakba I don't have an earpiece because I don't need props to be funny

earpiece made me laugh and then then I sounded the Apollo and it didn't so in many ways

you know what a wasted joke my favourite story of Gig I'm with George which I think you might know this story is

me and George had done a gig together in oh no London a top secret comedy club and went out afterwards

went for a few drinks you know it's the late show yeah went out afterwards had a few bevvies went to Philomena you know the pub

around the corner where we normally go to oh yeah yeah if like the sun's like full or whatever and then that was shutting quite early but we wanted to

carry on drinking because we're very similar me you and him are very similar in that regard if there's a bar sloping we'll go there's one sloping

which is heaven you know under the archers happens to be Carl a gay club I know I've been loads we used to go all the time I love heaven no not that one

it's in London no no it's not the same chain surely no it's not it's just loads of gay clubs called heaven first time I did MDMA was in heaven yeah i love heaven i think that's the gay's way of

getting back at god yeah for being homophobic like we're gonna name our nightclubs the same as your kingdom what are you gonna do nothing and guess what we've got the cheeky girls here on saturday doing a pa get on there because gay people don't go to heaven. Case you missed it. Guys, calm down. Heaven isn't real. But heaven, the one in London, is like a gay, gay club. Like there's a big cock show.

A gay, gay club. Yeah. Cock show though. Gay square. Like there's a big stage show and they've all got their knobs out and they're fucking sucking each other off and slapping each other in the face.

What? Adam could not stop looking. I wouldn't be able to stop looking either. Was this happening the night you went? Yeah. Because you know when Adam orders a cocktail, if it's a bit fancy, he gets a bit awkward, right? So he has this latent...

Internal homophobia. Homophobic. Yeah. So when he's looking at the drag queens getting the dick out, I've never seen a man more intrigued and uncomfortable. I would be intrigued. You, of course, you'd be intrigued. He was super uncomfortable also.

No, of course not! How would you be intrigued and uncomfortable? Have you ever watched, like, trans porn? No. It is wild. No, I haven't watched that, but what I did watch was these men slap each other in the face with a cock while they were dancing.

It was absolutely mesmerizing. It was fantastic. It was quite amazing to be able to pull that off. But on the way into the club, there's like a cloakroom and it was £1.50 per item. So the woman goes, do you want to check your coat or your bag in? And I was like, can I put my coat in my bag and just check that in? She was like, yeah. And I turned around and he's just stood there just holding his leather jacket right and i was like check it in he goes no adam i'm not

going to do it i'm not paying one pound fifty for somebody to look after my jacket i don't chinese what the fuck was that what the fuck was that is that for the chinese takeaway this is not the accent this is not the accent i This is not the accent. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing. That's what you get cancelled for, you know. That's what you get cancelled for, you know. I like... He spits in the face.

What are you doing? Remember ten minutes ago when he was claiming he's uncomfortable with racism. Uncomfortable with racism. Racism. Racism. he's uncomfortable with racism yeah yeah yeah uncomfortable with racism racism uncomfortable with racism uncomfortable with racism some Chinese Australian in a fucking minute he said that freaking uncomfortable with racism

and they're not that's better I'm just doing his voice okay he sat right there you can hear both of us I tell you what close your eyes and see if you can tell who's talking

all right wait wait wait let me take my hearing aid out I'll give you something to say I'll give you something to say wait wait He sat right there, you can hear both of us. I tell you what, close your eyes and see if you can tell who's talking. Wait, wait, wait. Let me take my hearing aid down. I'll give you something to say. I'll give you something to say. Wait, wait. Your also doesn't have headphones. I'll go over there.

Yeah, okay. I'll give you something to say. Right, Carl, give him the sentence. I want you to say... Carl, give him the sentence and I'll guess. I'm a grower, not a shower. I'm a grower, not a shower. Now George, do now George I'm comfortable

is it give us another sentence you've got actually you've got to do it in your voice I'm trying to convince him

that I can do your accent hello this is Trevor MacDonald this is the 10 o'clock news alright okay how about

this for the audio listeners I apologise I don't even news. Alright, alright. Okay, how about this? For the audio listeners, I apologise. I don't even know what's going on. Hello, my name is Trev MacDonald. Welcome to 10 o'clock news. Okay, how about this? Say it! Hello, my name is Trev MacDonald.

Do you know what I can't tell? I really can't. I really can't tell who it is. That was George. I can't tell. I can't tell. It's really impressive. You've absolutely nailed it there. No, he didn't have a go. Well done. Well done to Adam.

He was excellent. No, Adam didn't get a go. So anyway, I checked me back in. George goes, no, I'm not buying one pound of 50 for somebody to look after my jacket. What is that? Why are you committing to this? It was by the first time. He goes, no, I'm not paying one pound of 50 for somebody to look after my jacket. What is that? Right? Why are you committing to this?

It was bad the first time. Yeah, carry on. Keep committing. George, you don't actually know what you sound like. No one knows. You don't know what you sound like. You don't know what you look like. Shut the fuck up.

Carry on. Sounds like what you mean. He goes, I'm not paying one pound 50 for somebody to look after my jacket. It's a waste of money. What he actually said I believe Was that's 50 pence

Too much for my liking Yeah I said that I said I think you'll find You know what I think you're right though Because in Newcastle

It's a pound Yeah I agree 50p is a piss take Yeah 50p is a piss take I agree When I saw £1.50 I thought

These guys are taking the piss And the thing is There's one thing about the Greeks They're financially very prudent That is how much A one piece sweet costs In my country I thought that these guys are taking the piss. And the thing is, if there's one thing about the Greeks, they're financially very prudent. That is how much a one piece sweet costs in my country. So,

we went and watched the cock show. Yeah, great. And then I went to the bog. And when I come out of the toilet, he, who is as straight as they come,

he's all about the pussy, this guy. Yeah, he loves pussy. He was grinding on a gay man. He loves pussy. He was grinding on a gay man. Nice. Yeah? He's comfortable

with exaggeration. Exaggerated for comedic effect, but I'll take it. No, he was absolutely. I was having a dance. You looked like a pole dancer on a trial shift

quite rarely trying to pull the fucking effort in to get the job. I'm not even messing. And I went, what are you doing? And he goes, maybe he will buy us drinks. I'm not even messing. And I went, what are you doing? And he goes, maybe he'll buy us drinks.

Right? You big slut. Team player. Yeah, big slut. And I went, he's not going to do that. And the second I finished the final syllable of that sentence, this guy put his arms around both of us and went, can I get you two boys a drink?

And I was like, oh, I can't believe that worked, you fucking man whore. Well done. Went to the bar. Went to the bar. Went to the bar. The guy stands in front of us, and we're both stood behind him. And he goes, we'll have six blue wickets, two each. And then the guy takes his drinks and walks away,

and the bartender looks at us and goes, your friend says you're paying for these drinks. Oh, man. And I said to him, I am more than happy to always get my round in. I like to think I get my rounding probably more than I actually should because I'm very conscious.

You're very generous. I told him, I am not paying for a single one of these drinks. You've done this to yourself. You're getting them. So he goes,

okay, I'll get my jacket. He turns around, his jacket's been stolen. Not only was it his leather jacket, his favourite leather jacket that cost him like 300 quid, real leather

because does he fuck give a shite about animals, right? He had all his money in it he got paid for the gigs 200 quid in cash from Top Secret and his video camera which had all of his recordings

in from all the gigs he'd done that week all that for 50p right so he makes me stand outside with him until the club shuts an hour later

and they look for it and say it's not here and he's just literally like distraught and you know I'm a bit drunk but I'm trying to console him. And I was like, Josh, just calm down.

Don't worry about it, mate. No, I was talking in my own voice. Oh, okay. I was like, well, just calm down. Don't worry about it. It'll be absolutely fine. It's his normal voice. It'll be sound.

It'll be absolutely sound. Honestly, it'll be fine. Adam, you don't understand. It has my camera in it. The camera costs hundreds of pounds. He needs a third break. There's shows. There is all of the recordings of the shows on't understand. It has my camera in it. The camera costs hundreds of pounds. There is shows. There is all of the recordings of the shows on the camera.

Also my 200 pounds. And the jacket costs 300 pounds. What would you do if you were in my situation? And I couldn't help it. I went, I would just pay one pound. It has got a happy ending, the story though. He got sucked off. I rang him the next day.

I rang him the next day and they said yeah we found the jacket and I want to collect it it had all the money the cameras everything in it god bless the homosexuals absolutely nailed it

so why couldn't they find it on the night it was just too dark or everyone was too drunk I just don't think they took the complaint no someone handed it in someone handed it in

someone took the jacket they went oh I found this they handed it in amazing isn't it you. Someone handed it in. Someone took the jacket and went, oh, I found this. They handed it in. Amazing, isn't it? You met one stingy gay and one nice, generous gay. Had that lot in Liverpool. Different story. Yeah.

We'd have paid for that on fucking bevvies. Yeah. Lovely stuff. Okay, very good. But I'm really happy, you know, because I didn't know what that sounded like before I came here. Now you don't.

But now I do. The thing is one thing with George like is whenever especially when we're together and you're similar we always end up having quite

a good night we have a great night and you enjoyed a very specific incident that took place in King's Cross

yeah this is you couldn't believe it did you see Harry Potter I could not believe

because you hear sometimes that you know like from minority ethnic people how like sometimes you couldn't believe it did you see Harry Potter I could not believe because you hear sometimes that you know like from minority ethnic people how like sometimes

racism happens you go that is not that didn't happen yeah and we are in Kings Cross and we're going for something we do at the end we go for kebab

I think the first time we ever went for food I ate an entire chicken and you grew a lot of respect for me yeah I did

whole chicken yeah I had whole chicken entire Balti I had that's a and you grew a lot of respect for me. Yeah, I did. Your whole chicken. Yeah, I had a whole chicken. An entire Balti? That's a bucket. Bucket, sorry. That's a bucket. Poo. What was chicken again?

So we got... Swing and a miss. Raph and the stuff. Don't worry about it. I'll get them all, mate. So we go to the kebab shop and they're serving booze in this particular kebab shop.

So we're on the table. It's like 2 a.m. We're wasted and we're just having a lovely kebab and a chat and this guy walks up to a shan and he goes from outside he walks from outside he walks in he goes looks at the shan he goes sorry mate do you serve drinks here what did you say the shan goes mate i'm a customer yeah I just went I don't know I don't work

oh you fucking shit house I'd have absolutely ran with that yeah I'd have took his order and his money and then left

we were so drunk we were so drunk we were so drunk what kind of kebab shop owner eats his own kebab at 2am his own shop

hang on so there's a Greek and a Bengali? Whatever that is. I'm British. No, I'm saying like your face. And he asked you. Oh God, I brought a disease. I've got a Bengali face! Why the Bengali face?

He asked the Greek man. Do I have a Bengali face? He didn't know I'm Greek, did he? No but you look Greek. Ah. No you do. No he doesn't. Yes he fucking does.

What are you talking about? He doesn't look Greek. Are you messing? If you asked me to draw a Greek, I'd draw him with a tiny dick. Yeah, out of respect. I don't think you look Greek. Oh lad, he does.

Google right now. Greek man. Average Greek man. Average Greek man. Giannacopoulos. Oh, yeah, the second one. You're right. That's me.

It's olive skin, isn't it? Dark hair. Wait, but put... There he is. You've got Greek eyes. Put very good looking greek man because that's what we're looking at here guys with a huge dick oh yeah yeah he looks so greek yeah this guy's not greek at all he's not greek he's italian you look greek though and that that is a good thing is it and you think i look bengali i like how i like how that is a good thing you think i've got a bengali face yes and that's a good thing is it though and you think I look Bengali I like how I like how that is a good thing

you think I've got a Bengali face yes and that's a good thing not a Pakistani face no I'm half Pakistani half Bangladeshi yeah but you Pakistani from the waist down

yeah your left leg fuck it now that's a Pakistani leg hang on what arm do you bowl with right Pakistani right arm

but I wank with my left what's that Bengali okay Hang on, what arm do you bowl with? Right. You've got a Pakistani right arm. But I wink with my left, what's that? Bengali. Okay. Googly. I feel like this bit has run its course. I like how... I love how Carl got so uncomfortable with this.

He said, George, you look like a Greek man. And then he said, and that's a good thing. I'm like, thanks, Carl. It's a good thing, how beautiful Greeks are. Well, you're half Spanish, are you? I am half Spanish, yeah. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? As you may well be aware, this podcast is sponsored by Whoop,

a wearable fitness device that monitors everything for you from your sleep, the strain you're putting on your body, the recovery, all of it. And it really does know what it's all about. If you have a few drinks and wake up the next day, it will tell you you've had a few drinks. It knows because it knows that your recovery is terrible because you've ruined your body with ale. And that's what I've been doing, ruining my body with ale. And that's why I'm losing.

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You also wear it to go to sleep. Isn't that right, Peter? Well, I don't wear mine to sleep. I'm a reptile. You don't sleep because you're a reptile. Correct, Adam. That's interesting.

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community group you can compete with me dan carl steve and the rest of the have a word lids and peter and me aren't you peter yes yes i love it whoop ishan can you do any um

film uh impressions film impressions any impressions you consider yourself to be particularly good at yeah yeah yeah yeah like Marlon Brando who's this

oh I'm going to white top on I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking

I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking after he's been a dentist can you actually do any yeah what can you do who's this here look at me I'm a sexy fat bastard that's George

do you know what despite the fact that I thought I nailed it earlier on I think you did a little bit better when does the when does it start when do you know what despite the fact that I thought I nailed it earlier on I think you did a little bit when does it start when do you start doing it start doing what the impression

when do you do the impression oh he's trying to tell you that it was terrible he's trying to tell you it's a bad impression I asked you to do an impression no totally

even I got that one that was good can you do any impressions no I can barely do an impression of myself I can barely do any impression of myself. I can help you if you want. Have you ever had any interest?

Because I love impressions. When I'm hungover, I often watch impression videos. Yeah, I like, I would love to be able to do impressions, but they're very hard, aren't they?

I mean, they are for some people, yeah. I'm a lay person, yeah. I love watching people do, you know, comedians do impressions and then they tell the audience before they go to,

I'm going to do the impression of such and such. You know, look, do the impression, see if we figure it out. Don't announce it before you do it.

Alrighty then. Kenneth Williams. No. Kevin Williams? Kenneth Williams. Can you do Kenneth Williams. No. Kevin Williams? Kenneth Williams. Kenneth Williams. Can you do Kenneth Williams? Was that Johnny Bravo? It was.

It's Ventura. Yeah, it's Ventura. Same person. I'm going to make him an office. Kenneth Williams. What? It's Marlon Brando in the dentist. I'm going to make him run off As if he's in an MMA fight

And he's just come out How much is a wife feeling? I'm going to make him run off Sound like Donald Trump Death is Donald Trump He doesn't have a list That's Mike Tyson He was biting his tongue Death is down on tram. He didn't have a list. That's Mike Tyson.

No, he was biting his tongue because his coffee was off that morning. Have you seen his new jellies? I'm back. Mike Tyson. I'm back. I'm going to go for president again in 2024. It's going to be amazing. So great.

Kanye. Who's that meant to be? Johnny Bluffo. I can't do a Scouse accent. It's going to be amazing. So great. Kanye. Who's that meant to be? Johnny Bravo. I can do a Scouse. Go on. No. I bet you them shoes you can't. No, I can't afford to lose them.

I'll pay double what you pay for them. You can go and buy them again. I can do like, maybe like, I'll try one phrase. Go on. Let's say, let's go to Aldi. Wait, wait. It's fucking perfect. So bad. Is it terrible? that was worse than al pacino

right he's just on the scouse you do it you say fucking perfect in his language that is a good impression of my impression it's fucking perfect ah i love them i really i love impressions um if if there was who would you most want to do an impression of you is there anyone in particular that you'd love to be like oh if they could do an impression of me that'd be sick barack obama yeah i'd be good barack obama for no reason just whipped out a George Zach impression how would that sound he's phenomenal how would that sound Adam what

how would that sound if he was good today yeah hello I'm George Zach where's my jacket go go go

Barack Obama doing a speech introducing that he's going to do George Zach hello that's good my name is Barack I'm going to do my

George Zacharopoulos impression yeah it's good hopefully My name is Barack. I'm going to do my George Zagaropoulos impression. Yeah, that's good. Hopefully, I'll nail it. That's good. That's very good. I'll do it. Hello, my name is George. Imagine having that face.

That was great. Your Barack is pretty good. Yeah, it's quite good. If I could black up, it would be better. But it's faux pas. Well, you wouldn't have to Completely black up would you No

Just like halfway Quite staccato isn't it He doesn't really finish his words I did not have sexual relations With that woman You're quite good At American presidents I am

Do Nixon What Do Nixon See he's having a shit You know what a Nixon quote is What is it I'm not a crook Yeah but I don't know What he sounds like I haven't You know what a Nixon quote is? What is it? I'm not a crook.

Yeah, but I don't know what he sounds like. I haven't... Can you do Bush? Can I do Bush? Hey. Hey. I'm not going to watch this drive. No, I don't know it. I've actually got a very good Kennedy impression.

Kennedy? Here we go. No, you should... I can do a good John McCain. Can you? Can't lift one of his arms, can you? Brilliant. No, he's a war veteran. He can't lift one of his arms.

This is John McCain. That's Alan Shearer. This is John McCain. Alan Shearer can do a great John McCain. This is John McCain Is this John McCain Telling the people back post in the corner That he's thinking You can't do it

John McCain After he gets caught They get sudden and John McCain doing a Mexican wave Would you like some questions people I want more impressions I'm having a lot of fun Well this question

is to do with that kind of thing. Is it? Yeah. This is from Dino. Dino. Yakshamesh. Wag wag lids.

I went to school with a kid who had a deformity on his hand, meaning his party trick was flapping his fingers in a box and closing the lid

without feeling anything. What is your most unusual party trick? Do you have any party tricks? I can do impressions. Adam can do impressions. That would be well seen. It was impressions, is it have any party tricks? I can do impressions. Adam can do impressions. I would love to see. It was impressions,

is it? Yeah. I reckon I can make my belly go very big and then very like, like really out and then very back in. Your belly?

Yeah. Can you show us now? Yeah, I think I can. Okay. Yes, please. Can you look at William over here? Yeah.

Can you look at William over here? Oh my god He was just leaning back That does look pregnant You look pregnant? Oh my god that's a thumbnail Is George Zach pregnant? That's mad Are you sure you've not got any abdominal pains or anything there?

You know Your party trick Is impressive If a little strange Is this? You know What? Who's that?

Christopher Walken Yeah that's Christopher Walken That was good How can you not know What impression I'm doing When the cadence And the Difference in the volume. Can anyone do Jordan Peterson?

I'll do it on. Well, you know, the feminists. Hey, man. Hey, man. You keep saying man a lot. Hey, man. Well, look. What's your party?

It's not okay to be a man. It's necessary. What party? We're just Bollywood dancing, isn't it? Is that a party? Yeah, of course. So there's loads of people around you like, look at this. Oh, when someone picks up a fucking guitar and starts singing Wonderwall,

they're like... What if you're surrounded... I could probably do the Benny thing. What if you're surrounded by family members? Because it's no longer a party trick. Everybody can Bollywood dance in Europe. Like it's only a party trick around white people yeah

it is you cannot it's like yeah don't your family just call us I can't go to my party

they're all like dee dee dee dee he charms dancing just party tricks I don't really have very many party tricks because I can actually make a conversation

do some Bollywood dancing huh do some Bollywood dancing no no John you can do come on make a conversation. Do some Bollywood dancing. Huh? Do some Bollywood dancing. No. No, John, you can do. Come on. You can make a conversation then.

Make a small talk with these guys. As if you're at a party. You don't know them. Go on. Yeah. That's not a party trick. That's not a party trick. You just said it is.

No, but I don't need a party trick. I don't need one because of that. I can do card tricks as well. That's cool. Yeah. The card tricks. I can do things with my fingers oh come on come on man comes we can all come we can all do that like this i'm running i'm running out of my fingers over each of my fingers yeah yeah i think like this yeah like that there you

go there you go yeah i can do this look you. Look. You were both battered at school, really. Look at this. What? How is this a party trick? So easy. How shit are the parties you're attending? No one doesn't need drugs.

Ta-da! You couldn't do what I did, though. Can you do this? Do that. Put your hands out. Yeah? Yeah.

Now grab the other one. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, bit higher oh you did it again did what i saw what you did do you not see what you did why are you you just do that and then you do it you just change it you just do it again why are you losing this why are you the only listeners are having a ton of time yeah let's do more impressions yeah yeah um so no one's got party sex great next question about party trick was it good party trick that that's Adam's party trick he's even told me when he's doing it I've had my party trick I've had an itchy chin

after you've been the fucking dentist do you want some advice yeah go on then yeah press the button then which one's this don't even worry about it

it's fine go on Ishan's an idiot this is oh I'm here to help this is from Lee McCrossan maca maca wag wag lids Fine, go on. Ishan's an idiot. This is... Oh, I'm here to help. This is from Lee McCrossan.

Maka. Maka. Wag wag lids. Asked me a bit the other night if she's ever thought about another guy during sex. To which she replied, sometimes. Oh. Does this count as cheating? Need the expert advice from the top lids

before I go gung ho on this bitch. No. Loving the new studio. No, it doesn't count as cheating. The only thing she's done wrong there is told the truth. Yeah. This is one of those classic things where people in relationships say that they want

honesty. They don't. Honesty is what ruins relationships. Hang on. All good, healthy relationships are built on lies. Yeah. We hate women. I love women and that's why i lie to them to keep their mental health keep their sanity and then when they realize you go i'm not lying

you're lying yeah keep the light going yeah keep it going yeah it's a safe gas lighting what do you think i mean my previous relationship previous relationship was built on lies, and let's just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships. Yeah, but your previous relationship was a bit fucking insane. That was fucking insane, though. It was insane. Do you want to tell us what happened? I don't know.

You don't know? Oh, he's had to. Honestly. It's insane. This is fantastic. So. In the worst possible way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So. This was built on bad lies just to before we go into this I do want to cover this guy's thing can I just say it depends for me

the answer is who she's thinking of is it like Brad Pitt or is it like her best her best mate we'll get back to this George

who's she's thinking okay we want you to tell your story I'm telling you right now anyone who asks those type of questions in a relationship wants to cause trouble

yes because what's the possible good can come from that is that she lies yeah and you feel exactly the same as you did before

don't check your partner's phone don't ask them questions like that you're not going to like what you're going to hear and see I don't know about that one don't check your partner's phone

because there should be trust there but there shouldn't be anything to see yeah totally totally. Don't check your partner's phone because there should be trust there. But there shouldn't be anything to see. Yeah, totally. Totally. But don't check your partner's phone anyway. But also, do not ask these questions. Don't ask questions in a relationship with...

Like, obviously, if they're being suspicious and you've got reason to doubt them, ask questions because then you've already got to doubt and you're already feeling like shit. Yeah. But if there's no reason to think that there's any problem in your relationship don't make one like women ask questions like do you think i'm the most beautiful girl in the world obviously not i would never have asked you out because i'd have been scared you'd have said no

you're not the most beautiful woman in the world you're fine and that's why i like you be honest what if what if he's asked this question because he wanted to reveal he's been thinking of someone the entire time? But he didn't? He's now jealous of a man who doesn't. What if they're thinking

of the same guy? Honestly, I've lost all respect for Mac. Yeah, what if they're thinking of the same guy? That'd be awkward, wouldn't it?

So yeah, don't ask the questions if you don't want to know the answers. But sometimes was a bit too honest. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? If she mean if she said oh yeah every time you'd

be like okay he's taking the piss he said no lying but sometimes as you said reflects i like this girl yeah she answered the question honestly who fuck this who would be the worst person to be thinking of definitely someone very close to you like her best mate or his dad his dad his dad is bad no especially his dad is dead. No, her dad's worse. His brother. I would quite like if- Her brother. My sister was not thinking of any of my close friends.

That would just be, I don't want that. But I also don't want to ask the question in case it's happening. What if she was thinking about Vernon Kaye? It's fine. Would you ever, if your partner said, oh, could you do a role play as your best friend? No. No. I would leave the house. Never return. if your partner said oh could you do a role play as you're your best friend no no I would leave the house

never return I think Adam will do a very good impression of me no I'm going to fuck you yeah got the opposite I'm going to go to

lay with my thighs thighs I got a big dick look how big my penis is everyone tells me it's ginormous that's what my cousin said ginormous ginormous ginormous

papadopoulos ginormous can you tell us your relationship story please don't name the girl well yeah we'll end the hard way haven't we think of a name Esmerelda yeah so Esmonelda

yeah fine Esmonelda that's good just name her just try not to name her and if you do we'll bleep it out promise

yeah yeah okay so well I am a few years ago I met this girl

she was a mother of two who had broken up with her ex-husband because he wanted her to be a housewife when she was actually pursuing her degree in medicine um so i'm as well yeah yeah so she broke up with him um pursued a degree in medicine attained it single mother of two and also like had overcome

when she was little her mum had abandoned her to die when she was four years old in Canada and her sister was six abandoned her to die she was

how did they abandon her? like she left the house locked the door behind it four days in the house like they were used to on their own? the children they used to run the pasta

under the cold tap so it was the girl you were saying and her brother sister yeah they used to run the pasta under the cold tap. So it was the girl you were saying and her brother or sister? Yeah, they used to run the pasta under the cold tap to soften the knitted. It was horrible. She got saved at the last minute because the phone rang. Wait a minute.

You think that's torture? It was a horrible thing, right? She had real PTSD from this. And then when we were together, she got pregnant three times and then had three abortions because she didn't want to uh have the children and you'll come and then you have powerful come yeah yeah yeah i'm like yeah super sperm and then i found out that everything i've just told you was a lie she didn't have three abortions she She never got abandoned by her mum. Never happened.

Her ex-husband didn't deliver with nothing because she broke up with him. She wasn't a doctor. She was not pregnant. She didn't have any abortions. Did she have two children? She did have children,

yeah. Okay, so not everything was a lie. That's definitely not a lie. Cry the way, cry the joke. Not everything was a lie. How did you find out?

I found out because... Oh, the way you found out was mental. She was... We hadn't... I moved in and she thought I'm still like texting my ex or my ex or like, you know, seeing my ex.

So I had an argument and she was like, I'm going to Instagram her and find out if you did it. And she DM'd her and then she came back and she goes, yeah, I've got my response. Get the fuck out of my house. And I was like, show me the phone. then she came back, and she goes, yeah, I got my response, get the fuck out of my house, and I was like, show me the phone, and she's like,

no, and then we had an argument, and then, basically, well, I have, in the, I have a show about it,

so I, but, yeah, don't ruin the show. But I had an argument, and anyway, she basically, had a, I have an argument. And anyway, she basically, um,

had a, she wouldn't shoot the argument. Well, she apologized for what she did. And then she had some chocolate, had some nuts in it, had some nuts in it. She went to hospital to,

um, um, for the anaphylactic shock. And when she was in hospital, he had just a game over. And she was like, how is, um,

you know, and, uh, I said, yeah yes she's really struggling with the abandonment uh you know because her ptsd is coming back he's making her furious and she goes what abandonment now you know when you were little and your mom abandoned you and she went what i'm like when you were in canada when four and six she was like it's impossible to be four and six. We're three years apart. End of relationship now.

You're older than she said. I'm done. Secondly, we left Canada when I was five and she was two. And thirdly, my mum never abandoned us. And I couldn't believe it. I was like, maybe you're lying to me. Start with that line. You're protecting your mum.

And she was like, no, no, she lies. My sister lies. That's what she does. She lies. And I said, oh my God, we need to go to the hospital. She can't be treating people. Like, she's like, yeah. And she goes.

She's lying to me, man. Lying in the treatment. Cause you, at this point, you still thought she was a doctor. Yeah, yeah. You fucking moron. I love being in control of surgeries. How could that happen?

And she said, why should you be treating people? I mean, she's a doctor. She went, she's not a doctor, she's a student nurse. She told you she's a doctor? I said, yeah. And at that point,

I thought to myself, she's probably not an astronaut as well. She didn't go to Pluto last week. She told me she had a wig off. Yeah, I thought to myself, you know what, I might break up with this one. How long are you together? Two years. She's got some game that's insane did you ever ask her if she thought of

anyone else while you're in bed together um no like the sex was too good imagine if she told all those lies but then still said yes to that yeah i do yeah all the time yeah she sounds like she came she came home from the hospital and we're having a chat about it and she confessed to everything including the

faked abortions. She would be at home riding in pain for four days in a row like telling me you've done this to me and then What in front of you?

Yeah, yeah. Faking the pain. She was crying all night long like being in pain and riding in pain. She was just putting it on. It was probably her period. Yeah.

I think she was just lying she was lying she was lying she would she would like then tell me that like

all the traumatic because you know it's very like she would tell me that she saw the the fetus and told me what it looked like

and how guilty she felt and they should show me photographs of what an eight week fitness looks like for me it was insane I mean

I know it's not funny but trust me I've done the show and it's fucking hilarious the show the show is brilliant yeah the show is absolutely brilliant

I'm having it released I think this week what was the name? on YouTube it's called you know I name her on the show but it's a like I say this is the name her on the show, but it's a...

Like, I say this is the name, but it's made up, so it's definitely not that name. Which maybe, you know, it's a very popular name. Anyway, it's a name. So... Go and watch the show.

Where can you get tickets? Oh, it's on YouTube. Like, I'm releasing it this week. It's called Honey Badger. Look at that for timing. Don't they bite people's cocks off? Well, my nickname for's called Honey Badger look at that for Simon don't they bite people's cocks off well my nickname for her was Honey Badger

so like on YouTube it would be like my name because you tasted like honey and fucked Honey Badger if you look

Honey Badger comedy show I think it should come up lovely but yeah but then I'm bringing it back to Edinburgh next year I don't think it's good enough of what I wanted it

so I'm bringing it back next year so you're going to release it as a special and then take it back to Edinburgh but this. I don't think it's good enough of what I wanted it. So I'm bringing it back next year. So you're going to release it as a special and then take it back to Edinburgh? But this year, because this year I did the work in progress

so in Edinburgh. So then don't release it as a special until you're done with it? What are you doing? Really? Yeah. You don't release it

and then carry on doing it? Live advice on how to work. You're going to burn it, aren't you? You're going to burn it? You don't release it until you're done? You're finished with it. That's fucking mental.

Is it? Yeah. I don't know don't release it until you're done. You're finished with it. That's fucking mental. Is it? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. No, but I do know. It definitely is. All right,

maybe I won't release it. Anyway, come and see the Nettiebra. Well, I don't know about that. You're not Googling that anymore, are you? That's not being fucking released.

It will be called the Honey Badger. Google Honey Badger cock. The Badger's gone back to its burrow. Are they burrowing What do badgers do We have some more Where do badgers hibernate

In a den I don't know Where do honey badgers Hibernate What do they do In beehives Where the honey is With the honey

Can we have one more question Do you know puffins Do you know puffins Live in burrows Do they Yeah And do you know It's only the male puffins

That have the lovely beaks? Yeah. And they can carry like three or four sardines in their mouth at a time. I knew that as well, yeah. They fly. Last one. Have a word.

End it on the fucking title. Have a word. This is from Joe Todger. What's that name? Well, it's T-O-G-H-E-R. But I'm choosing to pronounce it Todger. Joe Cock. Joe Cock Joe Cock

Wagwan Lids please could you have a word with my mate who is sleeping with a girl who has a court case for drug dealing he feels ashamed

but also loves the idea that he's shagging a bad girl what should he do what he's shagging a drug dealer he feels ashamed

of himself what what type of drug dealer is the question? Is it like, if it's heroin, it's questionable. Yeah,

if she's selling weed. Yeah. If she's selling weed to a couple of little pot men, like me. Pot men. Pot men. Yeah.

She's on the call. Adam loves the pot. Little pot men. As if Adam has ever experienced drugs. I'm a little doobie dude now. I don't know what he lives. You're not loaded. Adam's a weed man now.

Are you a weed man? I'm a weed wellier. Oh yeah. Yeah, a weedman now. Are you a weedman? I'm a weed wellier. Oh yeah. Yeah. Love alliteration. The pot man. Lovely. Okay.

But if she's selling like crack to kids, then that's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. But I suspect if she's selling crack to kids, the sex is next level. Yeah. Yeah.

She's selling crack. Yeah. The blowjobs would be amazing. Like no teeth. No, she's not doing crack. She's not shagging the kids. So why would the sex be amazing if she's selling crack to kids?

Because the worst person is normally the... I don't think selling crack to kids makes you the worst possible person. It's up there, isn't it? What would make you... You don't think selling crack to kids makes you a bad person? No, I didn't say it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you an astute businesswoman.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't make you the worst person, does it? I think fucking kids is worse than sending crack to them. That is true. Yeah. You're right. But they're not a million miles apart, are they? Well... Hang on.

So if you saw a woman going, yeah, kids have some crack, you're like, at least she isn't shagging them. Well, I mean... Where is she doing this? On the high street? I reckon... But the thing is,

it's easier to say no to someone sending you crack than getting fucked by someone, isn't it? What? So they can't say no, can't they? Keep digging. We're all watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, explain what you mean. I would like, yeah, what are you on about? Please. If someone, when I was a kid, if someone came up to me and said, do you want some crack? I would have said, no, thank you. Yeah. But if I was a kid, if someone came up to me and said, do you want some crack? I would have said, no, thank you.

Yeah. But if I'm being groomed and they put a cock in my mouth, it's quite hard to say no, thank you. It is when you got a cock in your mouth because you can't speak. Yeah, exactly. It's a bottle.

Sylvester Stallone. There you go. You can do Sylvester Stallone. And you're ending with your cock in my mouth. Kind of sounds like A deaf person Rocky 2 And you're anzing

And you're cocking my mouth I don't hear no bell I like the politeness With which you would deal With a drug dealer Would you like some crack No thank you Yeah 100%

Appreciate the offer But no Me and Will This week a couple of times Have been approached in the street by people selling perfumes with the tagline

lad one of any of these are genuinely robbed not fake genuinely robbed bit of sausage sausage how much did you want for them

I didn't ask lad just walked away so you're nice I don't want to encourage crime but would you rather you put his cock in your mouth which one are we going for

I like that genuinely cock I've aced it tonight is this how you end every Have A Word podcast so we start middle with a son comparing thanks very much as always

for watching, ladies and gentlemen. That is the end of this week's episode. George, do you want to tell people where they can find you on social media? Yeah. Instagram handle and everything. It's a Greek comedian. There's only one.

And Eshan, you've been good. Or you can Google George Zakharov. What? Okay. Where can we find you? If there's any other way if anyone who's not already

following you, I will eat my hat. Okay. And I haven't got a hat on. Ishan, well, please buy tickets to my tour show.

Oh yeah, you're going on tour, aren't you? Forward slash tour. I've also got an announcement coming up soon. Go on then. Oh,

I know what it is. Oh, I know what it is as well. Knock yourself. I know what it is. Well done, Ishan. She was 17.

Ishan. Yeah 17 Ishan yeah Ishan say it now I can't say it now you can't what's up with you all I can say is your boy eat your heart out

your boy Ishan Akbar is old daddy Netflix these days yeah but not for his comedy do you know what's really it's nowhere near

as exciting as he's just bad it's nowhere near as exciting as he's just made a sound it's like he should be proud of himself but it's exciting he's very proud of yourself it's just you made it sound like you got like a five special deal hasn't got a special deal yeah special deal i'm in all the episodes oh thanks very much for listening there's some marina tickets left but you don't deserve them because you waited too long love you

so I'm not telling you where to get them Tom fuck you we don't want you there prick get on me