Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #200 with Carl Donnelly - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

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It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me We are in the midst of Adam nearly putting on £1,000 for Christian Eriksen to get... No, Simon Keir. Oh, sorry.

Because... He's the captain of the Danish national team. Apparently, they're going to wear the one love armband in their opening World Cup game. And FIFA have said any captain who does that will be booked. So he's five and a half to one. FIFA have said any captain... Any captain will be booked. So he's five and a half to one. FIFA have said any captain? Any captain of a team whose team wear that get booked.

Because it's a captain's armband. Yeah, of course. Of course, of course, of course. So I'm considering putting £1,000 on. At what? At five and a half to one. So I'll get six and a half grand back. It just feels like, why haven't they suspended it yet?

Because if we know, bet 365, definitely no. Because it's not my money or our money, I think you should do it. Oh! Is he going? He's pressed the button!

Ah! Who are you betting with? Bet 365. Why is it taking so long? You're going to get a call from the bank. What? You're going to get a call

from the bank, probably. And if you don't, then you're bank shit. So, just to fill you call from the bank probably and if you don't then your bank's shit so just to fill you in the dirty horrible World Cup in guitar

has rules about hate because they love hate they love to hate oh what a weird oxymoron you're very right they love hate and everyone's

sort of thought of this process of protest sorry of having a one love armband which is a white captain's armband which is a white captain's armband with a heart with the lgbtq plus flag within the heart yes forgive me for

being on my phone i would never normally do this it's very unprofessional and but it's all for the banter and fifa have come in and said any player wearing that and there's only obviously one player on the pitch can wear it the captain is going to get booked what What if he keeps wearing it as soon as they go out? Oh, it's not. It's still unbooking. I think Adam said as well he's going to match the winnings and donate it all to an LGBT cast.

And if you celebrate by hugging one of your teammates, that's gay and you get booked as well. Well, last night, me and Adam supported the cause in our quiz in the way we could. Yeah.

So, you know, the quiz me and Carl do and Steve do every month. You kissed. Well, sort of. One quiz in the way we could. Yeah. So you know, the quiz me and Carl do and Steve do every month. You kissed. Well, sort of. One love. In a way. In a way.

You kissed with your dick. One love. Actually, in a way, yeah. You had a sword fight? No, not quite. That'd sell tickets. So in the interval of our quiz,

we always give away a prize worth between sort of £700,000 and £1,000. Oh, yeah. So last night, we got like hundreds of pounds worth of Christmas decorations a brand new tree

tinsel lights a snowman just so like it was a 7 foot Peruvian pine tree to be exact fuck

yeah you've changed lad fucking real gear and the competition is always Peruvian the competition is always in the interval

to send us a picture whilst holding the sign saying chaotic quiz and it's always something stupid so like the first one was Sensei Carl is innocent

that was when he was sick and away no the first one was something to do with old people oh yeah I love cock it was a woman yeah

and she's dead now she's dead no we've killed three nuns you might have oh yeah by the way three old women have died and everyone who's

so three we've done the quiz five times, six times? Six. Six times. And three of the winners of that prize, their nans have died within four days of the quiz happening. Yeah. So if you come and win, your nans are gonna die. So if you want an inheritance, as we've said before.

Is this... It won't deposit. It won't let me deposit it. That's good on your bank's behalf because you never put £1000 bets on they usually contact you it's my money I want to be able to use it

I hate this anyway the picture in the half time was two people kissing two people of the same gender kissing and we wanted

hashtag chaotic quiz hashtag world cup and the winner was a man who was kissing his mate Willie what? he kissed his mate's cock on Tuesday

so we gave him the prize yeah now you know I love gay banter but that is a level that I've never got to

actually kissing a willy yeah good on you for a grand's worth of Christmas decoration yeah kiss a dick

me and Adam won me and Adam won last night for fucking the first time in four months you won oh yeah you had a good run at the start didn't you two or three on the bounce won three in a row Kiss a dick. Me and Adam won last night. For fucking the first time in four months. You won?

Oh, yeah, you had a good run at the start, didn't you? Two or three on the bounce. Won three in a row, and then lost four in a row, and now we're back, baby. So, no, that was seventh, actually, yeah. Ah, you're not allowed to put on the old Kajar. What's he called? Simon Kias. No, but it won't let me deposit any money at all.

Kijar. Kijar, innit? Spelled Kijar. You pay for Milan? He did, did Yes he did Nice Still does Does he still play

Nice dad Does he yeah He also got Played in the tournament Because his friend died Yeah And then came back to life Christian Eriksson

Christian Eriksson Yeah Yeah When you were saying Christian Eriksson to get booked I just don't feel like Christian Eriksson gets booked There was a game against

Was it Norwich Where he really got stuck in when he was playing for Brentford and the players were like get the fuck off me and then they end up on top of each other and he realises

it's Christian Eriksen it was almost like he was like oh fuck sorry he does he like cuddles he's like oh I'm sorry you're an absolute international treasure

it was mad when it happened when I was watching that game on the WhatsApp with the boys when he had the heart attack and he went down and I went what the fuck's happened there because they missed it i went oh erickson's dead like taking you know i knew about it i was in a b and q car park just have to get an id for superglue and you i checked the group and you were like oh this is fucking horrible and it made me check in oh it was one

of literally one or possibly the grimest thing i've ever so what did erickson have he had like a massive massive heart attack on the pitch and he just went. If you've ever seen it, it's genuinely harrowing to watch. Like, he's just fucking... Well, let me deposit £1,000, but it is letting me deposit £100 at a time. So I'm just going to do that 10 times.

Nice. Cool. Fuck the system. Fuck the Qatari he's made. Yeah, and now Ericsson's back. What a lovely story. He's back? Yeah, he's playing well.

Signed for Man United on a free transfer and he's playing very well. Someone said he was basically the... Yeah, he's kind of changed his role a bit. He's not as attacking anymore. Playing like gigs used to play in his old age. When he plays deep, though, do you usually get battered?

Yeah. Christian Ericsson seems like a thoroughly nice chap, but I think if you come back from a heart attack on the pitch you always are you're going to be held in yeah of course Fabrice Mouamba

he used to be until a few years ago that was an ender wasn't it like career ender immediately well he's not allowed to play in the Serie A

no because they've got different rules same with Karnu yeah you can't play in that league sad to say, the NFL has,

not heart attacks, obviously, but two or three frightening injuries every season and you just sort of get used to it. Like head injuries,

is it? Horrific concussions. Like, there'll be a point two or three times a year where every NFL player on both teams, obviously the States

is very Christian, isn't it? There's a lot of people with faith, and they're all on their take a knee, praying around some fucking injured player. It's gone down to nine to two. I don't understand how Bet365 aren't aware of this. They will be, so they're calculating it, aren't they? They think they'll fold like England.

Part of your bet needs to be approved by a trader. £222.22 will be, so they're calculating it, aren't they? They think they'll fold like England. Part of your bet needs to be approved by a trader. £222.22 will be placed now. £770. They're slowly capping it. Okay. They're bringing the odds down and then putting it. So they're on it. They're on it.

Because there's another 8,000 people trying to do this. And there'll be like an algorithm on their computers going, warning, warning. I've put £222 on it. So that's how we were third in the betting for christmas number one because they they saw this instant spike in betting on us getting christmas number one they had no idea there will be a computer going oi no idea who this is bring their odds right fucking down and that got us hyped it was like yeah we're in this i think

the fact that we're we're on the top line of the Christmas number one betting forever, like it doesn't matter what we did. The fact that that picture exists is beautiful. Apologies to the viewers and listeners

that I haven't been very active in the first seven minutes and 49 seconds. No, but if that comes in, that's sweet. Yeah. Speaking of betting, you've seen Ivan Tony

being a naughty boy. Ivan Tony, the Brentford striker. Yeah, he's been a naughty boy. Have you seen his initials? What's he done? Have you seen what his initials are his middle name's a B E

so his initials are I bet has he been betting 243 times he's breached the betting rules I don't understand why the betting rules are there for footballers I just don't get it

I think you should be allowed to bet on whatever you like it's not in betting though is it yeah but still but isn't that doesn't is it just a basic one where they could throw a match

no I don't think you should be allowed to bet on your own team to lose I get that no it's not even that it's like bookings isn't it

lad put 10 grand on me to get booked tonight and I'll kick the ball away yeah so you shouldn't be allowed to bet on any negative thing anything that you

can just do you shouldn't be allowed to do but in betting on like himself to get it at you like what's wrong with that that's just confidence that's just confidence be allowed to do. But him betting on himself to get a hat trick. What's wrong with that?

That's just confidence. That's just confidence, isn't it? If Adam was a Premier League footballer, he'd be skint. He gets paid 180 grand a week, he bets 180 grand a week on him getting a hat trick. And it comes in. But you know what I mean? He's not allowed to do that, though.

You're not allowed to bet on yourself to score. Isn't that fucking stupid? He's not allowed to bet on himself. We live in a world, Dan, where, especially like these days, where people are talking about you know back yourself have some confidence if you've got a dream believe it you can achieve it right dream believe achieved there's fucking pictures in the range that you can buy to put on your kitchen wall with that written on and you can't even bet on yourself you can't even elite level athletes are

not allowed to back themselves oh my god it. Just put a picture of Ivan Tony. If there's anything to be angry about football today, it's definitely not being allowed to bet on yourself as a footballer. Yeah, I'm with you. Disgusting. I don't. One bet. I'm going to wear an armband today.

One bet. It's just a blanket rule to stop any. Yeah, well, it's fucking stupid. Child. Ivan Tony. If I run for prime minister, I'm going to change those betting rules for Premier League footballers. Hey, changed if I run for prime minister I'm going to change those betting rules for premier league footballers

hey and if you run for prime minister I'd bet on you I'd bet on yourself to be prime minister is that allowed is that allowed I'm pretty sure

we've touched on this before right but I you know with the current political climate yeah I'm like

absolutely convinced I would win a landslide majority as like the leader of either of the two major parties I reckon as the

you think you hang on how do you become Labour never mind the Tories you think you'd win a landslide as the

leader of the Conservative Party yeah right you hate Tories I know I do you're from a city who you have a man on the inside oh you'll underestimate them smart smart because usually they go for some fucking

horrible self-righteous have you ever seen leg upper class cunts but you think that is what we need though yeah we need real genuine like i'm telling you right now that was a documentary wasn't it yes it was on that geo listen right i'm telling you right now we are living in an era of personality that's cm punk tell me keep telling me i'm glad you're telling me and not everyone that's listening dad no you need to hear this i'm you. And this goes across the entire spectrum of public life. Society, you could call it. Right? No, because I'm not talking about just society.

Public life. Public life, people who are in the public eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not every job. That's not everyone. Not everyone's in the public eye. So watch your fucking mouth. Right?

Listen. I'm not going to split it up with me. You get it through personality. Go. Because of social media and the way the world's gone, everyone feels like they've got constant access to people's lives, especially those in the public eye, right? So I'm telling you, comedians who have got no personality in their act

will start selling less and less tickets as years go on. I'm telling you, people want to know about you, who you are, what you're up to. That's good because I can't write a joke about anything else. Go on. Yeah, you're going to know about you who you are what you're up to that's good because i can't write a joke about anything else go on yeah you're going to be fine and podcasting has exacerbated it massively exacerbated it right they also exasperated it because they get so much info about all of us and it's going to be the same for politicians there's rishi soon i couldn't go and like clearly read an autocue with his fucking eyes where's the mind and I will do whatever I can for

the British people. Oh my God. Is that Rishi? Is that Rishi? You've got a great impression. He doesn't wear Germany hats though.

He wears about eight and a half stone. That's how tall he is though. Yeah. It's not going to work much longer.

If someone like me was given a chance by the Tories. Yeah. Yeah. They want to win the election. That's all they care about. Yeah. They's not going to work much longer. If someone like me was given a chance. By the Tories. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They want to win the election. That's all they care about. Yeah.

They want power. I could give them it. Right. Right. Cool. It's going to make gigs hard work, isn't it? Do, do, do, do. Fuck the Tories.

No, no, no, no. I mean, I wouldn't be a proper one. I'm an inside man. My followers would know. I would be an inside man. We'll just tell the podcast listeners. Tories don't listen to this. That's true innit

yeah so I'm telling you right now you know like all this fucking disingenuous interview answers that they give when it's like

so what are you going to do about the fact people are starving and they can't afford to heat the houses and people who are choosing between paying the lecky bills and feeding the kids what about that Rishi

and he's like we're all committed to our manifesto we're down 10% and they just say a load of shit that no one understands people are getting bored of that they need someone like me

to go look it's a fucking nightmare of a situation not gonna lie Putin's boosted off can't really do anything about it he controls our energy prices so we're just gonna have to

do our best what I'm gonna do right what I'm gonna do just slowly give you some of the dough from all the rich people but don't tell them

classic Tory leader there yeah right but then I go to the rich people, but don't tell them. Classic Tory leader there. Yeah. Right. But then I go to the rich people and go, that was a lie. Yeah, which is what Richie does. Yeah. All right, cool.

And they don't check their bank accounts, because they don't load. We're having two Tory party conferences, one in Tunbridge Wells. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck these Paula. You'll get everything. They want real is what I'm saying.

The other one's at the Bootle Arena. They just want someone to be honest. That's what the people, that's what people want. People can now smell disingenuity off a mile off. They can smell.

They're exasperated, isn't it? Yeah, okay. You need a normal person at the dispatch box. You need someone being honest. We had it with Jeremy Corbyn, didn't we?

We had it with Jeremy Corbyn. Got painted as a fucking communist. And then Labour lose two fucking elections. That's the problem, isn't it? Straight talking, honest guy. Be the other way. I won't be a communist. I think we, you know.

I'm going to be a centrist that everyone loves. It's a greasy pole, isn't it? It's a greasy pole. Too much honesty does not get you up that greasy pole. One love. Trying to give a false. It will it will though it will if you do it right all right where okay wear gloves gloves i was gonna say that yeah easy i'm a different figuratively i'll make me literally i'll make my own pole a sticky one there you go oh fucking outside the box there yeah it's a poll, but I've got a sticky one. I'm stuck on it.

Would you vote for Adam, genuinely? No. Why? Because it's Adam. What do you mean? If you went into the polling booth and it said Adam Rowe, it wouldn't be yours because it's not your constituency. I'm going to be the MP for Sorgham.

The MP for Sorgham? We get mp for sorghum we got our own mp oh my god um talk me through it where do you want to start constituency where we're going to do this you can't just be i'd be helicoptered into so you pay right carlisle right what carlisle you've got a chance south shield you've got a chance uh bootle you've got a chance. South Shield, you've got a chance. Bootle, you've got a chance. But I think you might suffer in, say, Seven Oaks. No. I'd give me Northern Charm to win the moment. Listen, that one had the game.

We've got fucking City doing shit now. City. All right. Have you got your Welshch siri on yeah all right west sexist fucking miles away go to newport keep going you'll fucking eat it um what would you say to the people of uh seven oaks seven questions are uh they'd be like i'd be a question like first question first question i haven't got any policies until you'd ask me first question um uh mr rowe could you fuck ask me what they are first question Mr Rowe

could you fuck off back to the north that's not a question next it is a question it's not could you fuck off back to the north

it's more of a statement question mark no I Adam no I think it's what's your name Adam what's your name what

what's your name Adam Devon Brown what's your name Adam my name's Adam my name's Mrs Palmer Tom's Mrs. Palmer Tomkinson Mrs. Palmer Tomkinson I've lost my daughter in the last few years It's been very difficult

But I am fucking loaded Oh that's so nice to know she had friends towards the end No he hated her I was press officer by the way He will be my press officer as well Alright he definitely out won't he So what was your question again love

play space cowboy what's your question again love what are you going to do for the people of Sevenoaks Kent well what do you want less tax

okay we can probably sort that out alright cool easy next question please I don't like immigrants

because we're near the south we're near the south We're near the south coast And they come They're very good swimmers Quite athletic people I'll make sure none of them Come anywhere near you love

Oh okay that's That's wonderful Yeah Great All we're trying to do here Is win the election When we've won we're in Bam

You've been fucking duped Right You won't say that of course So immigration Do you want me to keep them Completely out of the country Or can I just move them To some of the little shith I just move them to some of

the little shitholes you know like up north like where my lot live oh that would be lovely just put them up there

I've heard there's a place called Hull Hull in Chester Hull no Hull Hull

oh I think Hull in Chester I used to live in Hull in Chester I was getting confused there you know what I mean I was trying to do

northern banter but I didn't really pull it all out it's called Hull Hull yeah we'll put them all there put them all in Hull oh well. Hull. Yeah, we'll put them all there. Hull.

Put them all in Hull. Oh, well, that seems lovely. Not a problem. Right, next press conference is in Hull. Great. You all right? Hello, lads, how are we? I know I'm a woman.

Easy mistake to make. Sorry, these lights in me eyes, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been doing non-binary for years. How are you, love? Yeah, fucking rough. So, can I count on your vote? Listen, I want to make sure you're taking, you know, tax off rich cunts down south.

Oh, we are, yeah. I don't know, off the top of my head, seven oaks. Cunt. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. This is my talking voice. Yeah, we've already told them. We've already told them, love.

By the way. They're getting taxed loads. Oh, right. They're getting taxed loads all right tax fucking loads you're speaking truthfully now yeah mr rowe you're getting one immigrant each in

their house oh nice can they have our sandra she's a fat bitch we can't get rid of her we can get rid of her she's 39 we need her out of the house you vote

for me you vote for me love i'm telling you right now you can have whatever you like i don't know if the person in kent would hate that more an immigrant or a fucking 39 yearyear-old from Hull.

I think they'd hate the immigrant because they're more likely to be racist as well as classist. Yeah. So there you go. Adam gets to vote for both people. Smart. You've all been... Promise everyone everything.

You don't have to deliver on any of your manifesto promises. Honestly, I'm telling you this right now, that sort of rhetoric has been working for the Tories for a long fucking time. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an age of austerity. And then I get in and I just go, right.

Build bigger gates. I'm passing these new laws. 92% tax rate for anyone over 100 grand a year. 92%? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't look at him. Look at him.

Don't start. Just, can I have of your face Hang on, hang on Don't start Listen Just that Can I have a little private chat With my business partner Just standing there If you need to drop the mic Lad

Lad No, we need to sort the portis out We'll get you back In a few years Yeah, lad But look Can we do a cash Patreon No

92% tax Anyone over the underground We are, lad Look I've done a deal Lad Listen, Dan Listen, Dan Listen Yeah percent tax rate anyone over the underground but yeah i'll have luck i've done a deal lad listen dan listen dan listen yeah family ticket year round for thorpe park fucking hell that's what 92 percent of my earning goes on free sneak for the tories

92 percent calls gone quiet order order you've lost guys have been blind in one eye but no one will starve everyone will have dead ass houses even in the summer keep the heating on love

fucking Bikram living room Prime Minister Ro I'd nationalise everything everything what Bikram living room Prime Minister Roe I'd nationalise everything Everything I'd nationalise the lecky The gas, the trains, gregs

The machis As the leader of the Conservative Party You've won this landslide because you've just bullshitted everywhere You're now nationalising everything So this is the sting This is the thing At first all the people who voted for me will feel like that.

They'll be like, oh my God, he's clearly not a Tory. He's a centrist with socialist ideals. Right? They'll all say that. 92%.

Classic centrist. What even is that? That's a whole new fucking version of, oh. It's North Korea. Anda then when my policies start working and everyone's working a two and a half day week because you've nationalized greg's two and a half days don't worry love have a fucking council stick beak how much are 25 pence president roe Has done us right What a fucking Unbelievable policy

It'd work Because then everyone Would be like This guy's a gobshaper I've got four years To do as much damage As I like Listen

Listen Before Am I part of this Fucking cabinet Can I be You haven't got a fucking clue What you're up to Press officer

Prime minister As if I'm having you involved You've got no experience Whatsoever What would you be Justice for my ex? I want to be the Chancellor of the Exchequer. I run the

banking, I run the finance of this podcast, I could run his government's finance. I think we need to get right on to Geoffrey Bezos. No. I think before we start taxing us... We're not going to win the election without Geoff backing us, so leave Geoff alone. Yeah. Geoff's the fucking... Oh yeah, he's a big player in British politics politics isn't he we've actually sold the naming rights we're

now called the amazon tories i'm the um minister for what's the immigration minister for immigration that sounds racist doesn't it i think it's just called home Secretary Karl's Minister for Sport Minister for Foreign Sport Sport Okay I can ruin that No you want Make it better Oh yeah Good luck women's football

One love It sounds horrific I'm into it Why does it sound horrific I'm into it Thorpach Just in terms It was the same as the bet

Put a grand on Let's see what happens Let's see you run for there's you know tory leadership i'm into it i think i think we should do it as a podcast instead of christmas number one next year run for local council local council yes get your council stacks down slightly we can be mayor an. An orange and navy blue bin. Nice. You're already getting the fucking cogs moving.

They are going to change the way politicians speak, though, in the coming years. It's going to be a lot more colloquialisms. People are going to be a lot more honest. You know, like in America, with Trump, he's a gobshite, but the reason he was popular is he spoke like normal people

no he doesn't speak like normal people he just revved everyone up made it super racist yeah but it worked Americans do he doesn't talk normally though does he

I don't mean he talks totally normally What I mean is He's like He's not a robotic politician No I'll give you that So like when people are like Hey you've done this wrong You go oh shut up

I haven't Shite Nonsense I'm the best president ever And everyone knows it Jobs are up Everyone's fucking got loads of scran Shut up

And he was the worst president In modern history worked he was the worst president for americans everyone else he was the best no he's oh it was fantastic yeah it was great watching as soon as biden won the election you just stopped checking yeah but i'm telling you the lefties died or slot because he rallied we're gonna start copying that when we want to win they're gonna put a normal person right at the front so who would you have if you were Labour now and you were going to

honestly take this advice? Imagine if John Bishop went, do you know what? I'm going to become a politician. Because I think John Bishop is a great comic.

He's not one of the very best but he is charismatic beyond all belief. Like I've met the guy. I think he's a bit too clean for it. Do you think? Yeah.

Wouldn't he be amazing if we were actually going to go for the populist route i think frankie boyle's a better shout genuinely i think he's too far the other way what do you mean well he's he's so unclean isn't he no i think that's what people want everyone's unclean we've all got skeletons in our closet dan right someone really dirty really charles bronson good yeah yeah just someone who just take too many skeletons i want to see politicians swearing i want to see them at the dispatch box going fuck off you know i'm doing me best you're trying to nitpick to score political points. You know full well you couldn't be doing better on this issue than me. So sit your fucking ass down, you stupid Tory cunt.

I'm doing me best. You know I am. So what? Tell me what you'd do right now. What? Oh, you can't. Exactly. Shut the fuck up and let me get on with my job.

And I'll be going. John, can I go? I'm busy. Why am I taking questions off these cunts? I've got stuff to do. People are dying and starving, lad. Yeah, can I go? I'm busy. Why am I taking questions off these cunts? I've got stuff to do. People are dying and starving, lad. Yeah, can I go? He'll answer your questions. Yeah.

It's Adam, isn't it? It's not John Bishop. It's not Frankie Boyle. Fucking President Row. President, he changes the title. Build a wall. Yeah, build a wall. No, build a wall on the Mersey.

Keep all the walls out. I think we should also get rid of the title prime minister we should abolish the monarchy and for that

the leader should be called the king king king king he'd be

assassinated real quick elect the king yeah you would be shot within hours of

i wouldn't i'd be headhunted yeah 92 percent tax will get you murked fam yeah i'll shoot you hey don't drive don't drive any under under any tunnels in I'd be heralded. Yeah. 92% tax will get you murked fam.

Yeah I'll shoot you. Mate. Don't drive don't drive any under any tunnels in Paris. You'll be gone. I'm telling you. Once people realise how fun life could be

if we all just paid our share. Imagine if everyone got the same money. Imagine what? What did they call it? The UBI. The UBI. UBI universal basic income I think people should

get five grand a month everyone it would not devalue money though so it wouldn't really change anything why it would not just

devalue our economy not change anything well it wouldn't just devalue our economy it would break it out right no it wouldn't it would because everyone just

got all right now Snickers is 16 quid no they're not no they would though no no we wouldn't it would because everyone just got all right now now snickers are 16 quid we can't put the heating on well i'm not fucking not buying snickers but they would it happened in zimbabwe well it costs like 45 you just put a price cap on snickers there you go jesus christ next he thinks he's the leader call me King Rowe I'm the leader of the Conservative Party I've got a 600 seat majority

I'm the most hardline communist since fucking Marx I've got a 600 seat majority there's a three line whip price cap on all confectionary I think you might be worse

for the economy than Liz Truss not possible yeah sounds it everyone gets five grand everybody you'd even lose carl the minister for immigration that's five grand how much are these snickers never mind the foreigners they can smuggle some snickers in i'm 40 snickers ice creams by the way phenomenal just saying um are they yeah mars ice creams are a proper treat

my mum used to love Mars ice cream. Twix are the best ones you can find. I'm not more. I think it's only in Morrison's. No, the best ones are Snickers. It's just a Mars one with nuts in it. Yeah. I don't like nuts.

I prefer Mars. I've started my annual dry roasted peanut addiction. We're off! We're off! It's 28 minutes! But ADHD has kicked in for all of us. Yeah, yeah. Enough about that.

I fucking love Twix ice cream. What about peanuts, Adam? Lads, I hate when you talk about politics. Well, try Twix. Seasonal food is real, though. I get what you mean with the nuts. Dry roast the peanuts for Christmas. You can't have that in the summer.

I did a little big shop the other day. What do you mean? What? It's two baskets full. Yeah, two baskets shopping. You don't need a trolley. And all of the stuff is going to be out within three or four days. So you can't call it a big shop because a big shop is to last at least a week.

And ideally a fortnight, isn't it? I'm captain little big shop. I do little shops, but I never go bigger than a little big. I like this small trolley. Small trolley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. All two baskets,

depending on how you're feeling. Yeah. If you haven't got the coin. Well, this was one basket and arms full. Same thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Right? And I went back in the basket. What? Where were you hanging the basket off? It was cock. What? You're doing that

with your arms and with the basket? Yeah, I had the basket hanging off me, yeah. Like a pop butcher. She was hosting that. 92% tax. Everyone gets a quid for trolleys.

Trolleys are free. I'd also abolish the quid and the trolley thing. It's just inconvenience. Just have trolleys. No one's nipping trolleys anymore. They have. 1991. It's not 1991.

Do you remember? The old fucking trollrolley stealing pandemic All I had to stay in You couldn't move For fucking stolen trolleys Oh god I don't reckon I've used A big trolley in the supermarket

In about four years Unless someone's given me a clue Most arbitrary day ever Black Monday Fucking stock exchange is gone Why? Most arbitrary day ever! Black Monday! Fucking stock exchange is gone. Why? It's all them fucking stolen shollies.

Well, yeah, I got a collection of Fox's classics. Oh, mate. Why are you making me laugh so hard? Have you for Christmas? I'm a city old man buying Fox's classics. They were for Christmas, but you get two trays worth, don't you? One of the trays is fucking dust, mate. You do the bottom tray so your ma doesn't know. All the fucking easy ones, mate.

You get to Christmas and she goes, I haven't touched them. She goes, oh! And you go, fucking shut up. I got them. I got a big fucking share box. It's a share like jar of dry roasted peanuts. Nice.

Gone by November 25th. I got four packets of pork scratchings. What mood were you in? I wanted snacks. Fucking hell. As a trucker. Do you want to see Christmas? Fucking hell.

It's not technically good for your diet. I got the Tesco's finest share bag of triple cheese flavoured crisps. Is that why you slept in yesterday? You were in a diabetic coma. What was that? Tesco's finest. Sorry, what? Triple cheese. What? Three different types of cheese.

It's cheese, cheese and then Tre Formaggio. The famous Tre Formaggio. What? Triple cheese flavour. They're just really cheesy, Dan't it's like super cheesy Chris right tastes like cheddar brie

and gorgonzola nice cheddar cheddar's your foundation cheese gorgonzola brie take it up a notch

yeah right what about quadruple cheese is that something we can look into didn't have them stupid it also doesn't exist. I didn't invent the fucking flavour, did I?

Tesco's finest. It's just got a bit of a crunch to it. Oh, yeah. What's all that cheese? Not like kettle-level crunch. Mate, they can fucking break your jaw, those bastards. Oh, if you get an overcooked kettle chip, one of the brown ones.

Yeah. I actually like them. Oh, sweet chilli kettle chips, they're great. I like the brown ones yeah I actually like them oh sweet sweet chilli kettle chips they're great I like the cheese ones but my favourite crisps on the planet are the caramelised onion

and a balsamic vinegar Walker's sensations I'm currently going through a salt and vinegar hula hoops phase nice nice but yeah

I'm really looking forward to Christmas so I'm going to London for a week today when I come back I'm putting my Christmas tree up the next day me and Stee are coming in here

to do the deckies in here so for the next public episode that we're recording in here which will be on Thursday the 1st of December this is going to look like Santa's grotto mate Christmas please

Christmas please me and Stee are going shopping that day and I'm buying an absurd amount of decorations right now apart from the heart attack little big shop

and obviously doing Christmas decays, how are we all doing with each other's Christmas presents that have to be ready for when we all do the Christmas dinner? Half a give and a second. Because we cannot do the, oh, lads, we'll do it after the fucking thing and we'll, oh, I owe you. How are we doing?

I feel like that's a personal dig. Nope. Because I've only got one present and it's Finn's. Okay. I think it was a personal dig from last year though. I'm on it. How are you doing with it? I'm on it.

In terms of on it, have you just decided that you're going to be on it? I'm on it. I've got one of yours. Oh, okay. He has. He's not lying how you do i'm great are you can't wait for the cheese board oh no i need th cheese i want a triple cheese board you made cheese balls judge him now you ate cheese balls th cheese boards we got one in plymouth it's overrated everyone needs to get over get over there it's cheese what on toast what kind of cheese you got toast nice yeah on pizza cheese on peter nice yeah in

a burger yeah you just don't like individual bits of cheese and crackers yeah but when people like obsess over cheese why cheese cheese for the christ mate, is absolutely sensational. We went to Plymouth last month. Show off. See our mate who lives down there. Went to a little wine bar. It was dead nice. Got a cheese board. Got a cheese board.

And one of them I nearly threw up. Yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's dead nice. No, I will give you this, right? I don't like. It was goat cheese. It was goat cheese.

I don't like goat cheese. I also, I hate blue cheese. And anything that's like super moldy, like Gorgonzola. I don't like goat cheese. I also, I hate blue cheese and anything that's like super moldy, like Gorgonzola. I don't like them either. But I'm telling you right now, a cheddar, a mozzarella, a brie, a camembert.

Oh, get the bread in that, mate. A dairy leaf. A camembert with a chutney. Chutney? A bit of bread. It's cold. I don't want it to be cold. A hot camembert on a tiny little bread cracker

with a bit of chutney on it. Oh, mate. Fucking hell. Shoving up me bollocks. Why don't you like chutney steak? It's cold. I don't like cold food. Cheese is incredible.

Cheese for the Christmas. Mate, with the Baileys. Cheese and Baileys. I bought two. I bought two one litre bottles of Baileys the other day. Yes. Jesus Christ. Your Christmas shits must be wild.re bottles of Baileys the other day Jesus Christ your Christmas shits

must be wild I only have Baileys at Christmas what other other Christmas other Christmas onlys I've been calling the Twiglets

I really don't get Twiglets the big bag of Twiglets until Christmas there's something quite crispy about it the Cheeselets do the Treeslets oh mate

they are nice and then also matchsticks i don't know why it's in my head as a christmas thing after this fredero rocher fredero rocher and the little uh grand used to love fredero raffaella ones is it the coconut one i don't like that oh i know what you're like toffee no no is it raffaella i go through the toffee at christmas as well it's a fif? Because someone gets you them every year. Yeah, my dad used to love Thornton's toffees for Christmas and now he's got three teeth in his head, so. Someone buys them.

I used to fight people for his toffee. They'd be like, here you are, Peter. Merry Christmas. Get away from my toffee, you know. Even though they gave it to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get away from it. Don't fuckingian give us one hell no oh i cannot wait for you to walk in here for the christmas days i've got plans i'm excited yeah um i'm getting presents that is a good question

i'm getting a tree for in there that it needs a ladder to put the star on. The star needs to be something funny as well. In my car. Oh, it's going to be the red dildo. Merry Christmas everyone. Have a great one.

You buy what you want to buy. There's no limit. Just buy what you can. What I meant was there's no limit as in like you know like we're all spending 500 quid so you spend whatever you want buy whatever you feel is reasonable well we'll see let's have a break Merry Christmas all right lids time to talk about whoop i've become a big fan of it we've had the wearable we've been doing the challenge

to be honest i've just been charting my metrics and apparently i'm healthy which i didn't know before we were doing the whoop thing it's also really good it shows you when you're ready to do exercise with your recovery level charts your sleep helps you just get healthier even if you're not mad into your fitness i feel like it's just a way of a good way of charting just looking after yourself so go to join.woop.com slash have a word to get started uh you can then join our community there's a whole leaderboard people doing strain people doing sleep recovery uh you can just see where the lids are you can see where all the other have a word fans are uh you've got to go on the app and then join the group by typing C-O-M-M slash H-V-A-W-R-D. If you check out using that link, you'll also get a free month's Woot membership

thanks to the Have A Word podcast. That's us, guys. This will allow you to get started for zero pounds for nothing and with a 30-day return window. You can essentially try before you buy. What are they calling it, Steve? They're calling it the Cyber Sale.

It's a Cyber Sale. So it's basically the Black Friday deal. It's really good. Give it a go. We're all enjoying it. I'm actually getting a lot out of it.

Get healthy pre-Christmas. Been in the gym, haven't you? I've been in the gym once. Tried dead hard. Which you're now watching. Oh, yeah.

A little bit of B-roll. And I think I look pretty sexy. Whoop. Get on the whoop. We are back. Second section and we go in speed round. Oh, big question. No, this is an actual speed round.

I'm going to keep it speedy. It should be speedy for episode 200. Oh, it's a big one, boys. How do you feel? Just everything's different. I got in here today and I was like, I honestly think you're nothing

until you've got 200 episodes under your belt. We used to say that, didn't we? How many episodes do you reckon we'll ever do? 968. Do you reckon?

Oh, don't say that. I reckon it'll be 13,000. Can someone do the math on that? Respectfully. That's 26 years. Respectfully disagree.

Why? Can we honestly put a number on what? Rogan's in the thousands, isn't he? I think if we hit... What? 249 years. I was going to do 13,000. No, but if we start doing one a day

shut the fuck up no I reckon we should get to like 2,000 2,500 we'll see I reckon we should do a bare minimum of 25 years

have a word by the way anyone can hear a dog barking Carl's got a dog and it's here and it's having a good old little bark and cry while it's out there

but we're leaving it because it needs to learn that people leave and sometimes they don't come back also Etta's in a cage out there screaming as well

but she needs to learn she needs to learn she can scream as well but she can go dad well it depends on the level of threat I think if you left her

in a cage you'd know about it. Oh, I can hear him whimpering. He needs to learn how to self-serve himself. He needs to learn to suck himself off. Speed round. That's what I put him in there for. Leon Burgess says,

Boys! Boys. Boys. The boys. The boys. Bit of a time-sensitive one. So close to the live show, the arena show. 7,4000

Have you thought about Trying to set a world record When you have about 10,000 in one room Oh yeah 10,000 I've done some research And most people to wear Christmas jumpers

In one place Is 3,473 We could smash that Out of the park Leon I can see the thinking That's so easy Why is that so low? But I can't be thinking that's so easy why is that so low

but I can't be arsed yeah that's where I'm at I like when you first said that then I was like oh my god we should absolutely do that

and then I realised there's like three steps to like the admin of that and you know what you wouldn't be doing the admin would you

that's a good point let's do it and the other problem is I'm not wearing a christmas jumper at the uh arena i don't think we're gonna be but you called for five minutes couldn't you we're not gonna be one short if you don't either there's more than three and a half i think if you're expecting everyone to look like a fucking lump on on december 9th and wear a christmas you should wear one what's the most bazookas in one room at one time

um let me just check leon burgess says interestingly if you can't be asked doing that the most bazookas in uh the same room is 1422 genuine question for all of the lids here have you actually thought about your outfit because realistically right realistically you need an outfit for the first bit for the stand-up bit you need an outfit for the second bit for the podcast bit second outfit and a an outfit for the second bear, for the podcast bear. Second outfit. And a third outfit for the after party. Three outfits. I have.

I thought about it and I was like, oh, I really want to wear something special. And then I was like, do you know what? I just want to wear something that I feel smart in and I feel like I look good in. So I went with that. I went with that. Full Norwich kit.

I'm wearing the full Norwich. Away. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. Who doesn't love an area kit? I went with that Full Norwich kit I'm wearing the full Norwich Away Oh nice Oh yeah Who doesn't love an Area kit Genuinely So what are you going to go for then I've just got a nice

I've just got Honestly what Wear it at a gig It's not dissimilar to this I'm not going Oh I've got I've got a flamboyant Piece

Alright okay cool I'll get the Matron Man Randy Savage outfit for the second half. Right, cool. That's what you wanted. If that's what you wanted. What are you going for?

It's a surprise. Can I just say- Not for you. For the first section, when I'm doing stand-up, in that first half, it's you and me doing stand-up. Yeah.

I just want to look like a stand-up. Yeah. So that outfit, I've already got. It's normal. But if we are going daft for the podcast no not daft no i want to look fuck out this might be the last time i've ever done an arena in an arena oh yeah i'm not even going to watch anything ever again this is the last time i might ever perform an arena

for the sixth time i've ever been on stage you know so i want to look like fucking i want to look back when i'm 16 go fucking hell that was sick so i'm wearing something a bit out there shall we say all right cool something a bit jazzy it's a bit jazzy like but everyone's gonna go everyone's gonna want to suck me off if i can find a i am getting a suit for the after party i know you're not but i am right cool what's your what's the so you're wearing stuff for the stand-up bit what are you wearing for the pod bit have you got have you got an idea i haven't thought about the pod bit i think i'm gonna go like nice new bomber jacket maybe a leather for the first bit for the stand-up bit normal look but like leather trousers leather gloves go full ross geller no that'd be silly good good good oh genuinely i have thought about this as well I might

I haven't decided on this yet for sure Yeah I might wear a trackie for the stand up bit Alright cool Yeah

because who else gets to wear a trackie in an arena Yeah That's literally the thought behind it I used to do it every fucking month Matt who's here Finn

can you just source Macho Man Randy Savage full outfit You're going to wear that green one you got from River Island that time Do you remember that who's here Finn can you just source macho man Randy Savage full outfit you're gonna wear that green one you got from River Island that time do you remember that

no I'm thinking a bit smarter like a smart trackie Leon it's a nice idea with the Christmas jumpers we are gonna go bazookas though so please bring

your bazookas along it's less people when I say suits I don't think I'm going suits I think I'm going like dark trousers light jacket

like a cream Oh dear That sounds beautiful Alright Trini and Susanna A bit of ham hanging out yeah Fucking speed round lad A bit of ham Oh you're getting the girls out

I'm going a bit Ricky Martin No tie And like four buttons You going who? Ricky Martin Ricky Martin Ricky Martin No he's going Ricky Pond

He's wearing Ticket whites I'm having like four buttons undone. I'm getting a chain. Yeah, you will not look Ricky Martin. You'll look like Osama Bin Laden at his college do. White shirt, silk. Ironically.

Four buttons undone. White silk. And a gold chain. It'll look like a blind. To the after party. Yeah. Right, cool. Right.

Cocaine that night then. Because you'd sue it. I might do a bit of coke. Shut it down. Silk shirt is almost, like, needs to happen. Like, that's the fucking, and I've got us some absolute fucking

bugger cigars, by the way. I've got us the best cigars money can buy for a reasonable price. I'll do a silk shirt. If we're going knobheads, I thought you wanted, like, a're going knobheads No no no no I thought you wanted like A wedding suit

No no no Silk shirt isn't knobbed I'm not talking like silly I'm talking like You've got a bit of fucking Bit of ham hanging out Bit of a chain You know

I've got a gold shape Who are you after party Well the guys are just In a fucking arena It's got a crucifix on it I have every one of my Friends and family All my people

Are going to be there at that after party and it's the weirdest feeling ever I didn't have a 40th birthday party I have had no gig that everyone's come to I can't think of a quick like my best mates all of them like apart from Sean who's in South Africa

and all Laura's family I can't believe how many people have gone yeah yeah we're there it's the nicest thing I can't wait for many people Have gone Yeah yeah we're there It's the nicest thing I can't wait for the arena show I'm more excited For the after party After going

100% I never get all my peeps together It's fucking unbelievable I always get all my peeps together But it's still gonna be nice Erm Speed round Think of yourself

Silk white shirt White Cufflinks What cufflinks Ham You need the ham hanging out. I'm going to get the ham out. Yeah, well, I'm going like four buttons undone.

Two fucking legs. Four. It's only six buttons undone. Two legs off. It looks like you haven't done it up yet. No one's respecting the speed, though. Oh, Dan, I think you should go four buttons undone with a tie. I'm getting a horse-themed belt buckle.

Can I have an on it A Ferrari one Oh yeah like an absolutely fucking Bastard of a belt buckle Why did you move the mic nearer your dick To show us your dick Lads I'm going to get a fucking hell of a buckle There you are Adam I've got my shiny shoes from New Year last year.

Oh, lovely. Going with them. Lovely. A pocket square. Have you ever seen the Mexicans in Breaking Bad? The brothers? Yeah. Ever seen their shoes?

Yeah. That shiny. You've got a skull on the front of them. Oh, nice. So if you kick someone, they're dead. Yeah. Got a clip- on diamond earring. I'm not even messing.

I want to just look smart. Exactly. You're not going to look smart, are you? You're going to look like a special kid who won the EuroMillions. Mama like that. Mama like that. So, Dan, you better step your game up, because as you know,

we're bringing the ham. The ham. We're bringing the ham. All right, speed round. Cam Alto says... What pants are you wearing? Oh, come off it, Cam! What? Respect the speed round!

Black X. Oh, yeah. Cream jacket. White top. Ooh. Brown belt. Like an ice cream, man. Just found 5p.

Brown belt. Blue shoes. Don't step on them hello everybody this is our big after party we're having it at Wimpy yeah shout out Wimpy thanks for hosting

the after party Wimpy Matthew Street Wimpy on Matthew Street behind flares behind flares next to the rubble soul our new haunt I love it there just the atmosphere isn't it great pint of Guinness isn't it Behind Flay's. Behind Flay's. Next to the Rubber Soul. Our new haunt.

I love it. Just the atmosphere, isn't it? Great pint of Guinness, isn't it? Yeah, the bag is a boss as well. Go on. Next question. Camalto says... Who? Wag Wag Lids.

Camalto? What did you say? That's his name. He's done you there, mate. He's absolutely done you. He's done you. Camalto. Camalto.

Oh, you absolute soft sausage. You fucking soft sausage. Adam, just privately. You can go too wild sometimes. You absolute soft sausage. Like the soft sausage, you get it wimpy. Yeah,

I'm Flares. Yeah, I'm Flares, Matthew Sheetal. Near the rubber sole. By the way, if you call yourself, whatever you,

if you name yourself, I will read it. Don't say that. I will read it. Why would you say that? I said that ages ago. I said that tons of, on the Patreon particularly, call yourself whatever you want, I'll read your name. I said that tons of, on the Patreon particularly,

call yourself whatever you want, I'll read your name. Catma Alto says, wag wag lids, saw a news story the other day about a girl who got stopped at airport security because she had a metal butt plug-in which contained her boyfriend's ashes. If one of you died, what unique device would you use to store their ashes

um first of all so hang on well is the question i've died what am i putting my ashes in or you've died what am i putting your lashes in no when you're dead we all get a split of your ashes i get 40 percent car gets 20 and then we can do yeah we can do what we want what i'm putting your ashes in yeah yeah you don't get to pick what your own ashes go in yeah you're not having all my ashes okay but i guess i want part of me not fucked with okay granddad don uh laura's granddad is in a um little ceramic star that's on our fridge my nan's in a little um locker tell my mom all right my mom's in a little Locker to my mum My mum's in Alton Graveyard Yeah Mine's in the ground

Yeah She died Before the whole sticker on a fridge era People do They do the jewellery That's what I'm saying Carl if you died God forbid

I would have you put in a vape And I'd smoke you That's so disrespectful Oh Carl I miss you I'd have you put in some dry shampoo Never use me What would you want Where would you want to be?

Where would you want to be? Cock ring No Who wants to be in a cock ring? What's the deal with cock rings? It's to keep you hard Three for two For Valentine's Day

Morrison's Morrison's cock rings I want to be sprinkled on the penalty spot At the Koppen At Vanfield The penalty When he dies Don't take him to the hospital Take him to Vanfield Morrison's cock rings I want to be sprinkled on the penalty spots at the cop end of Anfield the penalty when he dies don't take him to the hospital

take him to Anfield and bury him there if I'm dying don't take me to the Aussie take me to Anfield yeah but you're not dead yet I don't give a fuck

retrieve me on the fucking penalty spot the cop end spot in the penhouse spot yeah no but I need you near I need you close put me in your watch

yeah every time you check what time it is you're like oh time to remember Adam the one I bought you it's a time that I got that didn't

Adam didn't it's a time I wore Carl's watch erm er Finn what would we do for Finn cos we

we've gotta put we've gotta finn in a bong yeah we're smoking finn aren't we let's be honest oh let's get high on finn yeah just put an episode of puero on yeah oh lick the poof so just to reference that if you're not a patreon that is a piece of furniture that we uh we joked about licking just so you don't try and end the podcast. Finn's been dating a woman and he's been licking her fanny. So we called it licking the poof.

Here you go, Finn. While watching Paro. That's what she likes. Yeah. She's a massive Paro woman. She's a massive David Cushe. Six foot tall. She's a massive Welsh woman.

What do you want to... So what's Adam in then? You're in a... What's he in? I want Dan to keep me in his watch so every time he looks at his watch he's like, oh, it's time to remember Adam. I like her. he in I want Dan to keep me in his watch so every time he looks at his watch

he's like oh it's time to remember Adam I like it I'd like to be honestly I'd like a little urn in the frog and bucket dressing room and just a little plaque

saying you think you just died I'd love that I'd really love to be part of my ashes to be in a comedy club dressing room you know when people

have got all posters I want to be thrown out of a plane it's the only time I'm ever going skydiving I'm too scared to do it while I'm alive once you're dead

fear of death's gone douse your urn in sangria no just literally throw the urn out with a parachute on imagine a land in your garden

did you ever used to put a parachute on your action man action man oh my god did you ever used to make a parachute out of a plastic bag I had a parachute put it on your action man and Action man. Oh my God. Did you ever use to make a parachute out of a plastic bag?

I know, I had a parachute action man. Put it on your action man and it would float up and he'd float down. If I said this, you'd absolutely rip me for being old, but I'm so chuffed that you did this shit as well. I had a parachute action man. Yeah. I don't want that doing with me, Ian, but I was with a plane. Right.

I was with a fighter pilot, Jess. I have a fighter pilot jet. He opens the thing. He dies as well. He gets sucked out. Yeah. Right, cool. He opens the thing. He dies as well. He gets sucked out. Yeah. Right, cool. We'll arrange that.

We'll arrange that. Sick idea. Yeah. So bad for you, the ejector seat, innit? My uncle got ejector seated when he was in the RAF. Did he fuck his neck?

Shrunk his neck. Shrunk his neck? Yeah, he's got, had a compressed spine afterwards Shit I mean only by A quarter of an inch or something But that's enough to

Like So he's like this Yeah That's exactly how he is But it fucked him up Fucked him up Early does Is he alright?

Yeah he's He's not caused like paralysis or nothing? It's It caused him yeah major problems with his back he's always had

issues with because you're basically over a firework aren't you and just fucking bangs you out mad

can you not train for it by sitting on a Catherine wheel yeah yeah yeah he did that's what they do in the RAF

they only do it once a year bonfire night if you're if you're a if you're a pilot you don't get to enjoy it with your

family you have to be at RAF or whatever and just fucking sit on fireworks. You'll thank us lads. He got a little penny, he was one of the first few dozen people to... Why was he ejected? Was he fighting? He was doing a

aerial training. This is totally true. Also, this is a story that's, this is like the early 70s or late 60s. And they were both training and they came through a cloud and went over another plane. Fuck off. They died.

And they were ejected out. Yeah. In training? In training. Rough, huh? And he went on to fly planes a lot. Yeah, because he's fearless now. So he was fucked. An inch went off his neck and he went on to fly planes a lot yeah because he's fearless now so he was fucked

an inch went off his neck and he was in hospital he still flew planes he never he was never a fighter pilot I don't I think I'm not

Britannia do you remember Britannia yeah he was a captain for Britannia oh I thought he was like a steward yeah he was a steward peanuts why do you talk like that spinal damage he was a captain for Britannia oh he thought he was like a steward yeah he was a steward peanuts

why do you talk like that only experience spinal damage you want a peanut did you ever did you ever did you ever have any dreams of flying

yeah yeah but being a pilot yeah yeah I was in air scouts was you oh yeah of course you were yeah

I forgot about that you look like a failed pilot thank you it's the hat and glasses yeah it is isn't. You look like a failed pilot. Thank you. It's the hat and glasses. Yeah, it is, isn't it? You look like Sterling Moss. He's the driver, doesn't he?

You look like a failed pilot. You look like someone who wanted to be a pilot and ended up a commentator. Of all the forces, how is that not the one you fancy? Oh, I wanted to be on the front line with a machine gun, me. I just, you know when you're young, everyone has a preference, I think.

I never put me in the Navy. Fuck that. I'd rather fall out of the sky than drown. What is that? So there's the sea, the land and the sky, isn't there? There's the army. Is there a mountain one? Yes, there is.

The famous British Army Mountain... Rangers. Mountain Rangers. Oh, we're going Mountain Rangers. Don't remember the programme? Yeah, there is. The famous British Army Mountain... Rangers. Mountain Rangers. Go, go, Mountain Rangers. Don't remember the programme? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Dan, do you fear death?

What? Just watched the beautiful Richard Hammond video last night. I saw it, yeah. About him talking about when he was about to die in the coma. Have you seen it? No. So he's in the Lake District, right?

Under a tree? Yeah. And he sits under... I have seen it and then didn't watch it. He sits under the tree and he's like, remember when I had

that crash, yeah? He's buried, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Fuck me up and I'm scouse now. Remember when I had that crash, yeah? He was in that coma

for a bit. A fucking doctor called me, he misses him, didn and he's like listen love park your ass you've missed a bit like you've missed a bit i'll get to it why because i'm telling it in my own way right listen love park your ass got some news for you so she's in the hospital he's in the ward right in a coma morphine offers swat in leeds in leeds oh awful that's the worst of it but while he was a kid while he was in that coma he was just in his mind he was just wandering the lake district just having a little stroll this happy place essentially yeah he's walking around and he found this tree that other times he's just walked past many a time when he would wander the Lake District.

He had his little tree, and he'd look at it and be like, oh, there's my tree. This time, he went to the tree, but he had this overwhelming feeling that he was in trouble, and he likened it to, you know when you were a kid

and your ma was like, hey, Daniel, you better be back here by 7.01 that he was in trouble and he likened it to you know when you were a kid and your ma was like hey Daniel you better be back here by 7.01 or I'll be fucking angry she was like that right and you go

fucking hell 7.03 I'm meant to be home and that feeling you got like oh I'm going to be in trouble because I'm late yeah

right he got that feeling as he was walking towards the street in his coma yeah in his coma he said it got

as he got closer to the tree it got progressively stronger. He's like, oh shit, I'm in trouble. So that's happening while he's a kip. Meanwhile,

back in the other room that I mentioned before, foreshadowing. See, I'm a story seller. Foreshadowing by telling the story. The doctor goes, listen,

Ricky, fuck love. Might not make it. Don't know what to tell you. Not really anything we can do at this stage. Not looking good. All those vitals through the floor.

Goosed. Game over. And she goes, can I fucking scream at him? Please, can I just go and shout at him? Call him a gobshite? Yeah. Right?

She goes into the room, shouts at him. She's like, you better not fucking die, you stupid cunt driving that car into that wall of you fucking mess and I'll punch your

fucking head and you die swear to god so loving right he woke up now so when she was screaming at him

it was when he got to the tree and he turned round and walked back and as he walked back he woke up she was essentially walking to his death

yeah essentially walking to his death and she woke him up by screaming around him or like brought him back into the. So just recently, he's been, he's been fell walking

in the Lake District and gone to the tree. He just told the story on a video, yeah. He goes to the tree often. He said it makes him feel comfortable. He's now at peace with it. He's at peace

and he knows that he'll go back there one day when he's ready. When he's dying. So like he's not scared of death. Now he's got this, he knows what it is. He knows what happens. Yeah. It what it is he knows what happens yeah it's such a nice thing like it's such a nice thing but if the tree is death once you get to the tree when he doesn't walk past it yeah i'm not asked about the tree or the walk to the tree just a little concerned with what is beyond the tree but

serenity isn't it that's the point it's his happy place it's his serenity, isn't it? That's the point. It's his happy place. It's his serenity. But he's still conscious. As an atheist... He hasn't died, has he? Yeah. As an atheist, I'm a little worried that you get to the tree. Have you got a happy place? Here.

You don't fear death, do you? Yes, absolutely, yeah. You do. Oh. Yeah, because if you're an atheist, how do you not fear death? Is it? If you're an atheist, you know not fear death is it an atheist you know

that you're just not aware i don't want to be not aware you won't know you won't be aware it's like i i'd like to get to the point where my life is like a really long great day out where you know you get to the end of a day and you've had a really good day you've been out you've hung out with your mates family had a few beers it's gone on quite late and then you get in bed and you're like, oh, do you know what? I've had a fucking blinder today. But if someone went, do you want to do anything else? You'd be like, nah, I'm done. I just literally want my bed. I want my life and my death to be like that long, amazing day out where I finally get to the end hopefully 85 and just go sound i'm done i i'm about quarter to one in the afternoon right now in the day of my life and i would shit it

if i had to go to bed that's how i see it i i am scared to death because i've got so much more living i understand exactly what you're saying but i'm always the last one out. I want to be out till six o'clock in the morning. If you're the last one out. Yeah. It's yeah. Impressive. Like 5am. That's what I want to live to based on your timescale.

You're, you're, you're seeing midnight as the end of the day there based on what you've just said. 5am is mine. I need to be 112 or I'm not going to be happy. I think needs to be, you know,

needing to shit himself for the kebab. He'd suck on home two hours ago. Yeah. Yeah. My granddad's 97. I'm going to overstay my welcome on me own. Dignitas. Where's your happy place?

Where's my happy place? It can be like a certain spot or like an area, like your home. It's genuinely in here. In the entire world. I don't know, man. There's some bits... You'd say the countryside, wouldn't you? No, but I'm saying, have you got a specifically...

Can I be really wanky? From a kid, like you went to Ambleside... Can I be really wanky? Go on. There's moments on stage doing stand-up. That's definitely a happy place. That are so... What I have driven my life for. But I haven't got one happy place i got back last night

i've been away most of the last eight or nine days i've not seen loads of the kids and i got back and laura was she's just knackered she's just been doing one on one parent well one on two parented and i hung around with them little knob heads for about an hour and a half just rev them up we all did bath time and that's another happy place i sometimes look at them now and think there'll be a point in 5 10 15 years when now i'm like oh god they're full on aren't they and i'll miss this yeah because when i walk in everyone goes daddy it's moments like that i think i'll i'll probably have feelings like that if and when i have kids yeah i think for me genuinely my happy place is four pints in with a group of people that i love yeah that's the thing yeah there's a there's yeah

i genuinely don't think i'm ever that happy my granddad's 97 he's in hospital now he's been in hospital two and a half weeks and it's not looking good he's quarter past 12 there isn't he it he is i don't we don't have we don't have the conversations where are you scared of death but he looks like he couldn't give a fuck because he definitely doesn't give a fuck i just think it's weird though because your instinct is you want to survive and everything fear there's probably still a fear because all you've never known is live it but if i got to 97 yeah i'd have no fear right now i want more i want more of those moments i want more of those tree like moments i want more moments with my kids i want

to you know so i would i would be absolutely scared of death not because of what it is because of what you lose yeah you lose time you're for eternity i've said before you die twice you die when you die and you die when the last person says your name Coco no one says your name again you don't exist

anymore episode 200 got a bit morbid hey we can be fucking deep as well speed round great speed round shout out Bob

Nightingale I don't know if he's gonna make it but Bobby Bobby night Bobby night Bobby Bobby night Oh, shout out Bob Nightingale. I don't know if he's going to make it, but... Bobby, Bobby Night. Shout out Bobby. Bobby Night. Bobby, Bobby Night.

Fucking hell. Last grandparent. It's a fucking sick name, that, by the way. Oh, Bobby Nightingale. Go see Bobby. See ya. See ya. Shall we have a break?

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episode 200 and one of the finest in the game carlost chardonnay oh is it on yeah i was itching my eyes sorry you can still see your eyes i let your? Itchy your eyes. Are they itchy eyes? Yeah. Yeah. Want some of your eye drops? No. Okay, cool. Eye drops or eye gel? Have you ever had eye gel? Oh, I do not gel.

Apparently it's better for you. It's a bit gross. It's like a little cream you put in your eye. Under there, you get them in there, and it creates a barrier on the eyeballs rather than the drops, which just moisturise a little bit. Alfie Brown has this thing that you spray on your clothes eyelids.

And it makes you feel refreshed. Oh, Salika's got that before bed. It's great. It's like having a line for your eyes. My wife's got a bunch of bottles of stuff that is called like face mist, but it's got crystals in it. So it's, you know, like it says like moon stones. Yeah. We've just learned a know, like moon stones. Yeah.

We've just learned a lot about your wife. In one sentence. Well, fucking crystals in it, babe. Yeah, she's a pro. We did a moon,

full moon ceremony the night before my, I mean, when I say we, she started it. Oh, I've done that now. And I had to get involved.

You've done a moon ceremony. You speak to her? Well, she did it the night before my daughter was born and she weren't due for weeks and there was no sign she was going to be premature it's not two weeks ain't premature is it early a little bit early and uh and my wife there was a full moon she went i want to do a full moon ceremony so we went we had to go out in the garden and put a row like a circle of candles

right we lived in a downstairs flat neighbors that could overlook they would have thought we were doing some pagan shit and we had also we had to sit in the middle and write things on a bit of paper and burn it and then a few hours later my wife went into labor and you've had a werewolf and yeah nice isn't it can i ask you a question yeah so she what's your wife's name hannah she believes in all this stuff 100 do you i i'm one of these people that says i don't but then secretly i think i do because every loads of weird things always happens like that whenever i don't believe it then something i'm like this with psychics i've had i once went once i was at a festival and i got a palm you read your palm read yeah bollocks all bollocks isn't it right but she i didn't believe any of

it and i thought she was a bit of a div and then halfway through she stopped and she looked at something she went have you got the gift and suddenly i was like well maybe the moment she sort of you know my ego i suddenly was like yeah actually i do believe this stuff you know now i've got a gift just speak to the moon i don't i don't speak to the moon although you've got to agree That on full moons Gigs are weirder You don't notice that? Yeah yeah yeah We talk about it all the time Once a month

I'm like Did you have a good gig last night? It was weird And he's like It was dead weird And I'm like Yes see the moon It definitely does have some effects

Are you meant to ask a full moon For like the things you want Going forward Yeah once a month We're talking about it But then when you say that Do you mean like I would like to have a good year

Personally Or can you ask it for like I wish for pussy And money You can't ask it for like- I wish for pussy and money. You can't ask for just physical things. He asked for pussy and money and they're physical. Pussy and money. Pussy and money. Every single form of it.

Every single form of it. Once in the phone call, I've got to ask for pussy and money. Now I'm not into it, but it's like, I want to get involved because I don't want to, don't want to go like that shit. So I get involved. So we went down to Don't want to go That shit So I get involved So we went down

To Otterspool prom For like the super moon Like three months ago Remember the fucking Massive one And you sit there And you go It's the same moon

Yeah it just looks It's closer Oh it's closer Sorry what I find it less annoying From Carl Donnelly Carl you went to

Otterspool I live I live near Otterspool Right To the super moon Yeah don't go on moon I go fucking super moon It's the big one Donnelly. Carl, you went to Otterspool. I live near Otterspool. Right. To the supermoon. Yeah, don't go on moon. I'll go fucking supermoon.

It's the big one. And everyone was just there wish-casting into a big old moon. No. We were. Oh, I thought there was a crowd of you. No. What did you hope for? I don't know.

Are you meant to say your wishes? Doesn't that make them not come true? It's not your birthday. Do you believe in it? I don't want to do it and then go, oh, fuck it, because I've done it now, so why not stick to it? I'm very surprised. Was it a big wish or was it like-

It was like little things, like for me mom and me life and me family and shit like that and this, obviously. Nice, it's nice. It's no negative in doing it, is there? No. And I'm spiritual a little bit, but I don't believe it fully, but I thought, why not get them- I do the same thing when I'm having a shit., but I don't believe it fully, but I thought, why not? I do the same thing

when I'm having a shit. I just sit down. All right, for the release. Oh God, a new studio. That was, I had a massive shit in March.

A wish cast of shit. And I was like, get in the middle of town, near L1, and look at, and someone visited you in your dream that night, and they were like,

we are going to source it for you, but it's going to take five to six months you'll have to source your own blitz slips I don't know what a blitz slip is I did a shit so bad in a pub three weeks ago

that me and my mate had to leave the pub I was absolutely like I bombed out the toilet so hard like it was like overflowing like it was a full day

if I had this that policy called there'd be three pubs in the UK that I'd still be allowed in be barred from every pub in the land. It was so bad. I hit the flush

and I saw the water just coming out. Oh, that's so scary. Can it go over the seat? Because I always think that. Oh, man. It can. Yeah, because I've done that before. Usually it's not just you.

There's a problem before. Yeah, cool. It takes a lot to... Yeah, yeah. So you think it's you doing a terrible shit. It could have been like two terrible shits. You can tell when you've done one that is bigger than normal.

Right. You know, I was aware of what had happened in the lead up to flushing. And when I hit it and I saw it, I grabbed everything and just ran out. Sometimes I look back and I am like, that is too much stuff to be in one toilet. He's a vegan.

I thought they all be healthy. They are. Have you ever smelled a vegan's fart or a shite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always sniffing around, Carl. Have you not, though? No. Carl, break the news to him.

They don't smell that bad. Depends what you're eating. If you're eating loads of vegan junk food, if you have a healthy period of eating mung beans and stuff, it's clean. Mung beans. Straight out. Clean snaps.

You know. Clean snaps. It's a Gillian McKckeith dream do you believe in psychics well i don't know well no but also i've had weird things happen like i had uh i i was talking to about this recently i might have mentioned it on our podcast but i do you know lou conran very funny comedian yeah yeah and she, you know, I think her mum's a medium, right? That sounded like a rude take on her. No, he means like the...

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I knew. Oh. She's got the gift. Well, this is it. So Lou has the gift, right? But she, we did a seance together

in Edinburgh one night, midnight seance, and like with an audience. And then we had a Ouija board, and it kept pointing at me. So I wasn't on it, and everyone kept doing it, and the thing kept pointing at me, and going to the letters MD. And no one knew what it meant.

I didn't even know what it meant at the time. And it turns out, in a former life, you had your medical doctorate. Yeah, the ghost wanted some drugs off me but um no and after the thing lou didn't say anything to me during the show and afterwards she came up to me and went look i just need to ask you something weird um do you know any amputees and i was like i thought about it i was like well my uncle was an amputee my uncle michael dunn and uh and he was a double amputee and she said that was him. How did she know? I'd never mentioned anything about knowing any amputees.

And she kept pointing at me and saying MD. So as much as I don't believe it, that's weird. So he's there? Has he died? He died, yeah, yeah. No, he wasn't pushing it. Can I just say? He was in the safe.

Carl! Carl! One hand up. Can I just say? Yeah. I am a big fan of podcasting and we do a lot and i there's some that i love there's some that i'm ambivalent towards but the clip where you talked about that and julian dean landed that gag about the double yam he went what what uh what limbs was he missing

oh and you were like an arm and a leg and julian took a beat and went fuck he must have bought something really expensive oh yeah yes that is julian's to a t we need to get julian in don't we get him in he's the he's so funny but he is yeah he can he's got Tourette's you cannot say anything serious yeah without him going the worst route his hotel room joke is one of my favorite jokes ever yeah which one's that let's not ruin it he's learned to have the conversation and do the joke yeah i did a podcast with him my old podcast down night he goes in the house i was in london i went and did him and rich wilson in a day because i was down in london i was kicking around i was like i'm gonna go and record so we were at julian dean's house and it took two and a half hours i had to edit it

down to about an hour and 40 because we couldn't have a conversation for him just seeing jokes and doing jokes and it was like it was it was just it when you've got to get the timing and the and the time for the joke right that was one of the best podcast clips it's just so beautiful vittorio vittorio was watching it in nando's the other day oh it's so perfect you don't believe in psychics do you what i think adam's on the psychic train today. Do you believe in him? What's the opinion on it? I haven't got one. Because if you believe...

He doesn't give a shit. He's trying to crowd source an opinion. If you believe in ghosts, if you believe in the afterlife, then you're not an atheist. You can't be. I'm not an atheist? If you believe that death is...

No, I'm saying, if you believe that death is the end, that's the end of it. That's not that's not atheist atheist is anti-theism theism is the belief in a religion yeah not spirituality all right well i'm anti the whole fucking lot then i think death is the end there is no soul so how do you explain the luke hom thing then? I honestly can't. Explain this one. Explain this one. Lou is, you know. Explain this one.

A friend of mine, right? A friend of mine. Good friend of yours. Yeah. Went to see a psychic, very famous psychic called Phoebe. She's dead now. She had a black pill then? No, she didn't have a pill.

She never saw that bus coming? No, she didn't. But Phoebe was like, sit down. Right, sit down No right Get your hands She was blabbing Right

So though Scouts It's not in my way It's Richard Ammons Hey Richard Ammons Don't you fuckens Are you nobber Got a fucking

Mortgage She was like Right And she went through The whole rigmarole And then she went Oh my god Because psychics are often

Good at predicting the past Which is easy to do It's not predicting the past, which is easy to do. It's all predicted in the past. I think this is going to happen soon. Recount in the past. Yeah, you want to watch out for that Hitler chap. Right. But very rarely do they predict the future

and have it come true. Yeah, especially with lottery numbers. Go on. And Phoebe said to this friend of mine, oh my God, I'll talk with you about it. Right. And me mate was like, what was that? And Phoebe was like, it's your uncle. i seen him on a roof yeah oh god right it was a river yeah but it was

rod hall but don't worry he's gonna be okay yeah like he'll get talked down at the time my friend's uncle was in a mental institution You're kidding Right The very next night This is hitting different This one The very next night Not the next night

He got on the roof Of the mental hospital Oh my god And was threatening To kill himself Right But then got talked out It's in her best interest

To make that happen though Fucking hell She might have went in there And gone Get on the roof Get on the roof Because everyone's going to Hear this story on the podcast

Fire exit out Fire exit out Explain that Oh do you know what Let me just check Hang on Get on the roof. Get on the roof. Because everyone's going to hear this story on the podcast. Fire exit out. Fire exit out. Explain that. Oh, do you know what? Let me just check. Hang on. Maybe she says that to everyone.

Oh, no, I've done my research. I can't. On the off-charge, it does happen. I've told you the one we said. She might have said it to everyone that ever visits her. Just so that one day it happens. She will be right. Yeah, it's the only story she ever tells. I saw a joint with Seneca in the school she visited

with the non-verbal autistic lad. Yeah, you told us this on the podcast a while back. Yeah, when he grabbed her arm and kept spelling out her dad's name on his keyboard and her dad died obviously a couple of years ago.

And she was like, yeah, what the fuck? Explain that, Dan, if death's the end. Fucking hell. Death's just the beginning, mate. That's just changed everything for me, this chat.

Don't get on the roof yeah and don't go boozing with carl when he's in a pub just in case you need a shit i think we should do a full moon ceremony as a pod fuck right off next full moon is the next full moon oh i'm busy i'm gigging gigging um i'm gigging to some spanners uh spanish december the 17th there you go oh oh that's actually a very traditional day for me and my family it's the day where i sit on my arse on my couch and watch nfl we're doing a full moon ceremony i've got a roof and it tends to be able to see the roof maybe see the moon let's see the roof we'll get on the roof and we'll do it on the roof. Would you do a Ouija board?

We've done one. Have you done a Ouija board? We did. But did you find it creepy? We did a seance in a haunted castle. If you're saying you don't believe any of it, if you're still creeped out, that means at some point, some level,

you do believe a bit of it. No, we did do a seance in a haunted castle and Dan was taking the piss out of the ghosts. I'm farted. What ghosts? If you don't believe in them, mate, you can't take the piss out of the ghosts. I'm farted. What ghost? If you don't believe in them, mate, you can't take the piss out of no one. Yeah.

I've been to two of the most haunted places in the UK. Yeah. And the first one, the most scary thing about it was the fucking smell. That was Carl's mum's vagina. You lost. That's the third. You hit the post there, sorry.

We're taking Barry Dodds. It was a little bit scary in there let's be honest it wasn't nice it was initially you've been before I saw something

no one else did no one else did yeah yeah I don't believe in it but I saw like a a shadow that couldn't have been

a shadow because it wasn't connected to the floor or the ceiling right it was like a black thing just went past the door dead quick

I saw it at the corner of my eye yeah and then Barry said afterwards like yeah that's what people see here that doesn't make me believe it but i that's what i saw i don't think oh shit it's a ghost but like i did see the thing that people say they see that right and i hope adam saw something because he ran out there screaming after about a minute and 10 seconds i didn't go in no i refused to get fully believing ghosts i don't fully believe in them but i'm open to the idea carl right i mean he's like i wouldn't be i wouldn't be surprised but you think they can harm you that's the thing if you're running away that means yeah i do think like if if they exist

which i'm not 100 sure they do but if they exist i think it's possible for them to harm you right but i think most of them just want to chat just want to watch the 40 would you i mean most of them have just got like a message they need to pass on before they can truly settle in the afterlife have you ever had that sleep thing when it feels you wake up it feels like one of them's on you what's that called sleep paralysis i've had sleep paralysis before it's absolutely terrifying i've had ones where i thought and you do sort of think you see somebody on top of you it's not a stream that you've What's that called? Sleep paralysis. I've had sleep paralysis before. It's absolutely terrifying. I've had ones where I've thought, and you do sort of think you see somebody on top of you. Isn't that a dream that you've woke up? No, I haven't had that.

I haven't had that, but I have woke up. It's sort of you in that halfway house. I've had sleep paralysis that you've dreamt that you've woke up for a couple of seconds or minutes. Right. No, I've had it where I'm definitely awake and I cannot move off the bed. Oh, I've never had that.

And it's terrifying. Yeah, it's bad. It's literally your whole bad. It's literally, your whole body, it's a blink lot. You wake up and you feel like someone is sat on your chest.

Yeah. Yeah, but you haven't paid them for the privilege. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not like in the other way. Some pervy ghost around you, aren't you? Fucking,

I don't feel sat on me face. Somebody's shitting on your chest. You've not had that? Carl's got some rapey ghost around his. Get on that. Carl, have you goty ghost around his head. Get on that. Carl, have you got us a gift there?

I have brought you a gift for your new studio. I brought you a bottle of Singleton whiskey, which I think is a nice one. I'm not a whiskey drinker. Oh, well I am now. It's a nice, I think whiskey is the best one to give. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

It is for Adam, because he loves it. Do you love it? Adam's the whiskey man. Do you like whiskey? Lemon Hooch next time. Yeah. Apple salad. Oh, call me.

You a gift. Huh? Yeah. So are you still going to do the advent calendar this year? I am doing the advent calendar this year. We've got you a have a weird porn star. Martin. Oh, I am doing the advent calendar again this year.

And I'm already, I've already started a bit early. I sort of did a stock take of my booze cabinet. You passed that along to me. And I got a bit overexcited and then started making cocktails the other day and now I'm well into it again. So you did coffee a few years ago. I did coffee and then last year my wife bought 24 bottles of booze. Like 50 mils as well, not little 25 mils. That's a big boy.

50 mils. And then every morning I had to open it and whatever it was, I had to decide to make a cocktail with it. And it was, honestly, it was wicked. But there was days when- What day was Jagerbomb? Jagerbomb was about day,

I think it was about day four or five, if I remember. Can I just ask, Carl, are you going to have one? I will, but even though I don't like whiskey, I'll have a go. Whiskey makes me feel like a little boy. Because we've got the gym. You do that thing with whiskey where, I still have that thing where, but even though I don't like whiskey, I'll have a go. Whiskey makes me feel like a little boy. I'm okay because we've got the gym. You do that thing with whiskey where I still have that thing where I'm like, I don't like it.

Like a little eight-year-old smelling your dad's drink. Can you pass the bottle onto Carl, please? In front of you. But no, with the advent calendar, what started is every day I'd just have like one drink with the two shots of it in it. Ended up halfway through fell apart, and I ended up sort of adding so much booze to it there was a day when i made an alabama slammer that's the joke it's booze thank you porn star

marty what's in a porn star martini so it's a vodka based cocktail that sounds fucking nice and fruity really fresh it'll wake you up but yeah the thing i i'd been calendar i have to do it every morning so like 9 a.m i'm drinking booze in my kitchen and there was days when i had like i had an alabama slammer which is four shots of booze and it was at 9 a.m and i literally like at 10 a.m i'm taking my daughter to play group shit face you can't be an alcoholic if you're filming it by the way play group play group with an alabama slammer inside it sounds fucking great let's see oh it does smell nice my wife laura loves uh you and loves two vegan idiots

she's a massive fan of the advent calendar oh good if you don't follow carl donnelly on social media and obviously we encourage our listeners and our viewers to follow all of our guests but especially with the Christmas video coming up

Carl's Christmas calendar is the highlight of my December it's very this is coming from a guy who is basically Buddy the Elf I love Christmas

I love Christmas as well and that honestly those videos ah it's um wash dad yeah that was a coffee the coffee I love Christmas. I love Christmas as well. And honestly, those videos. Wash that. Yeah.

The coffee one. I loved the alcohol one last year, but the coffee one was my favourite. The coffee one was hard because you can't, how is it like you're doing just coffee every day? It's not, at least booze is so, it's a variety, isn't it? Every day, 24 just different coffees.

They're not that different, isn't it? I might do the calendar thing myself this year, but not film it. I just want to have a drink every morning. Yeah, you just want to become a functional alcoholic. Excuse me. Do you want to have a drink calendar? Do you know what I will say, and this sounds degenerate,

but if you're drinking in the morning, if you're not going to be drinking the rest of the day, it's wicked. Because it just sets you up for the day, and then you don't have to do anything else. And it does, it just- Was there for the day and then you don't have to like do anything else and it does it just was there any a lovely little glow this is dangerous china was there any day where you had that first one at 9am obviously not on the plate play group day but where you were like

you know what i might just keep it going oh yeah there was a couple of days when like i made it and it was so nice i went and gave hannah a little taste it was so good after we finished that one we're like shall we have another and next you know yeah it's sort of 11 a.m trying to get a kebab and it's not open yet um but yeah and there were some days when i was going out in the evening i thought well i might just keep a steady pace up till then so what is the plan with this year yeah yeah what's the plan with this year same again she just bought me 24 different boozes but obviously now after last year was fun and i think she realized people enjoyed when it was a fucking disgusting drink like chartreuse that now i reckon this year she's gonna really fuck me up chartreuse chartreuse is a green french liqueur made by like

monks it's one of them monk ones anything made by monks is always dangerous yeah book fast tonic wine and shit like that so i think yeah i think she's going to really hammer me with some gross well if you want to try that one that'll cleanse the palate it's wonderful there i'll have it after me with skill just get shit faced during this carl's supporting me on the on the last night of my tour tonight and um he was like yeah i'm having a bit of a detox before the uh the booze the booze advent calendar well we fucked that right my willpower is so fucking low yeah all fun people's willpower is low though i did a gig last night and uh me uh michelle de swart and stephen k amos and i was like not drinking and then literally amos was

like want a beer i was like i have one and that was literally Amos was like, want a beer? I was like, yeah, I have one. And that was it. It's just like drinking. I did that last night with Jack, our photographer. Me and Carl hosted our quiz last night. And for the first time at any quiz, I was like, I'm just going to have a black cut and soda. I went to shop in the interval and got myself an orange Lucasade.

Jack turned up and was like, there's no one having a pint. And I was like, I mean, I'll have a few with you. That is genuinely one of the only whiskies I've ever drunk. That is drinks that I can actually drink. What whiskies have you tried though? Well, I mean, I've had like, Laphroaig was the other one I've tried.

I was like, that's all right. Laphroaig is a very, very, very acquired taste. I like Laphroaig, but it's very peaty. I can't drink like a, you know, you know what I mean, somebody who's got like a teacher's. Or like Jameson everyone used to drink Jameson growing up so I grew up you know Jameson for me is uh what I go for in a place that hasn't got a lot of whiskeys right okay so it's a very good safe option what are you saying

having a whiskey try that is yeah I'm not a whiskey drinker, and I can actually drink that, even though I think I've got a fly in it. Yeah, Jameson's with an ice cube is a very safe bet. It's just a decent, what I'd call a speed rail whiskey. It might be a house whiskey in some places. So you don't have this with Coke? I like a breakfast whiskey, myself. No, you wouldn't have this with Coke.

Do you not have this with ice? Can you drink brandy? Brandy's another one of them ones I feel like I'm not ready for. I'm not the right age for it yet. I need to hit my 60s. Unless you've got a brandy sours going on and they are fucking exceptional.

Or you're at a funeral. There's certain drinks I can only drink in certain contexts. Brandy's a funeral drink. There's an XO behind you there, Carl. What's that there? A Henny XO there. Is that a good one?

Oh, I get it. Ooh, lovely. And a funeral. I feel like getting wankered I've literally had one sip Oh my god At a funeral I exclusively drink porn star martinis At funerals Just to rub it in

Why is that? It was just the first funeral I ever went to It was where I had my first porn star martini and I just associated. It was his nan's funeral and she was a porn star. So it was just about right. Not in the church. What?

You're not drinking it in the church. No, at the wake. Cool. Yeah. At my nan's funeral, we had a porn star martini station. Smirnoff provided it. That's lovely of them, isn't it?

You know you're an alcoholic when Smirnoff offers sponsor the week. Well, this last tour show is going to be fun, isn't it? I'd be so funny if you totally ruined it. Dan, make it all go. Carl. Why not? You are not the person.

If he did that, you'd be like, yeah, Adam really puts up the stats where he can bully you into drinking. I'm not trying to bully you. You drink twice a year. What are you getting so fucking head up for? I just don't want to. Is he sick of being told what to do?

What's a fucking pussy-ass cunt like you? Woo! Whiskey's on straight to his head. He's getting aggressive. A bit defensive, wasn't he? Two sips. I've not even... Fuck off, Cal.

Two non-vegan maggots. It's very nice. It's very smooth. Calling me a pussy-ass what? Come on. What's smooth about that? Put your sneak in it, Dan. Dan, put it in your sneak. It's nice. It's really nice. Dad! What's wrong

with you? God. I'll get you an alco-pop in the break, eh? Can you? Dan, what drink would you prefer to drink? What? Right now. Oh, I'd like to be drinking Okay. Can you? And what drinks would you prefer to drink right now? Oh, I'd like to be drinking Sneak, not whiskey. Sneak, use code word 10. Word 10.

Sneak says good. These are the new flavours. They're dead nice. What is it? It's an energy drink that isn't like a fizzy can one. They do do those. You mix it in a powder with water. What's in it, Kat? Is itine yeah oh let me it's actually the only legal energy drink that actually has crack cocaine in it acid citric acid it's got uh l-i-t-i-ro-cine l-taurine bit of smack

what does it do maltodextrin i mean i was raised on maltodextrin so what's it do to you does it come out that color um it's very fun it's actually this is an acronym do you ever do a barocca and then you get piss in a pub and yes people it looks like yeah yeah luminous piss yeah this is actually an acronym there we go it's not just so it's smack yes niorafen nice Ecstasy. Yep. Acid. Crack cocaine. Cat. Crack cocaine with a K. Yeah, dyslexic cocaine. By that point, you just start spelling wrong anyway. It's because they're a hip company.

Yes. So they smell it with a K. Oh, I'll tell you what. This is so smooth. Called me a pussy ass bitch. He did. You were greedy to them It's true I'm just going to save that for later

Will do you like it? Yes he does yeah And Carl likes it I'm very surprised Yeah but Smooth it is He's He's a

I did an advert for it on camera He's a high functioning alcoholic So are you I'm not Whoa Whoa What did I miss? Excuse me.

I am a social... You're both butterfly. You are two of the most talented, gregarious alcoholics I know. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a social butterfly. I mean, you're not alcoholics, but you're definitely, you know. What constitutes alcoholics? I just like a drop of booze sometimes.

If alcoholism is the Premier League, you're one of them really good championship teams. Is that fair to say? Yeah. You're worse than me. I deserve to be an alcoholic, but I haven't earned the title yet. Can you drink pre-gigs?

Yeah. That's the problem. If you ask somebody who can, then it's a dangerous lifestyle. Have a boozy pops tonight. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I know so many comedians that are like

I can't drink before I go on stage. That must be a very healthy way of doing comedy. I know I can drink and go on stage. Have you ever drank so much you've fucked the gig up? I've done that twice in 12 years. I reckon I have. Yeah, Edinburgh. In Edinburgh. Not my show in Edinburgh,

but late shows I've definitely tanked a hundred percent yeah yeah I don't think they count you know no no Edinburgh's different and also but you don't get like until it's like five in the morning everything's done the adrenaline and constantly running around Edinburgh keeps you at a certain level where you can still gig yeah I remember I don't know whether I've mentioned this story before on Hathaway but I imagine at some point it came up i went out to watch the merseyside derby live pool play everton and it was a three-all draw yeah and that was a 12 30 kickoff and i had hot water that night and i turned up when it was at the crown hotel pub and i was twat we watched that in a beer car didn't we yeah that's why

and binti went you're too drunk you need to go home. And I went, no, I'll be fine. And he went, okay, I'll make you the deal. I'll let you go on if you can do one of your bits to me now. That's such a Binti thing. And I went, you know the one about the girls on the bus? And that was it. Did you do the gig? No, he sent me home.

25 minutes later, he's having Chinese food no i went to take back house oh right fair enough i did one of my first ever weekends at the comedy store in london i uh it was um mike wilmot's birthday people don't know mike wilmot he's one of the one of the best isn't he right but an absolute boon and uh it was his birthday, so Rich Hall showed up with a bottle of bourbon. Nobbs Creek, I remember, actually. And then in between the early and late show, this was when the late show was at midnight, we just sat, four of us sat in a circle in the dressing room and just did the whole bottle with shots.

And I just didn't realise how shit-faced I was getting because we're sitting down having a bit of a laugh. And then the late show starts starts and I'm on first. And the first time I stood up after drinking was to go on stage. And the moment I stood up, I was like, I'm about to lose all bookings for the comedy school. Because I was shit-faced.

You did a bottle between how many? Well, it was four of us, but we were also drinking other drinks as well. Who was the four? Do you remember? I don't. Rich Hall, Mike Wilmot me and you know i can't tell you what if you were going to pick four three other people to just sit around and booze with in a dressing room carl donnelly rich hall oh my god what a fucking lineup have you seen mike wilmot now since he lost all his weight

yeah it sounds like a weird sort of but i did melbourne comedy festival i didn't know he'd lost all the weight and i went into a gym in the hotel and i just saw this skinny old man on the treadmill and he gave me a look of recognition i was like creepy old fuck and then um how you doing there it was like hey and he's but yeah he's like a different person it's weird when you see you don't see the transformation you just see the sort of you literally just in your head you just see the before and after photo isn't it he's also one of those people and i hope he forgives me for saying this not that he's going to watch this at all um do you know when someone who was quite fat loses weight but you can tell they used to be fat yeah i do know actually yeah because you look like

you're not gonna be like you were fast at some point he's still got that even though he's dead skinny yeah there's a testicle sack quality to them isn't it yeah yeah but they look like if they held a bit of them out with a good breeze they'd be off down the fucking street can i ask you a question and if this isn't uh if this is either incorrect or not common knowledge you can just say no one will cut it out are you moving to australia no no i think at some point in the future i might because i'm married to an australian and i like it over there but not it's not there's nothing planned oh i got told you were moving uh early next year really yeah who told you that it was a full moon festival um i don't know no not at all there's no time frame at all

planned but i think we've talked about it because it's wicked over there have you been no i would like to go though it's obviously like comedy over there is very different i haven't got a scene that we have there's not like the circuit that you can just you know over there it's almost impossible just to be a jobbing comedian yeah they all end up radio hosts and stuff yeah and the radio over there gets paid fucking mad it's not like here i remember do you remember tom deacon uh used to do radio ones like chart show or something and he was basically just getting like 200 quid a gig and like it's not whereas in australia you get hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for a radio show but i would not i'd want to do that but like yeah i think the quality of life there you could like you can live

slightly less in a nicer... You're talking Melbourne? I'd take a massive pay cut in my life to live next to a beach in the sunshine. Yeah, I'll give you that. I think most people would, wouldn't they? Maybe. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think I would, actually. What, you want money and rain? Yeah. Oh, you'd have to move Liverpool to Australia. Right. Yes. I suppose, but it's different. I suppose you guys have got a very,

you're very tied to your home and city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've sort of got that culture. Liverpool's the only city in it in the UK that's got that. Maybe Glasgow or something like that. That's a real cultural pride, you know, because as a Londoner, you don't get that.

London is just full of mercenaries. We don't give a fuck about each other. It's because it's a festival. We don't even like each other if you're from three miles away. Oh, yeah. I mean, we don't give a fuck about each other. It's cause it's a fest and shit hole full of cunts. Three miles away. Oh yeah. I mean, we don't, there's no London sense of community. Like if you're, I'm a Southwest Londoner

and if somebody is from like North East, I'm like, fuck you. You're not part of my town. What did you say London was then? Wow. What did you describe? It's a fest and shit hole that's full of cunts. I'm going for a week. But it's our fest and shit hole full of cunts.'m going for a week but that's it's our festering shit i love it but i love the anonymity in london there is it's that weird

thing where i think yeah there's no sense of like we're londoners we just happen to just all live together whereas you know up here i do it's nice that you've got a sense of community but i actually do i just really enjoy shitting on it at the same time i think think every time I'm in London, I find that being from London or being a Londoner is not the predominant thing. There's people from all over the world, races, religions, and then the class system or even your socio-politics takes over. So if you're cool or if you're vegan

or if you're incredibly wealthy and you live in Mayfair or whatever, London isn't ever a unifying factor. Whereas I think if you're a Geordie, you might list that first. You might list Scouser first before you get into the zone. And also say everyone in London, most of the people in London are second generation,

something else on the whole. So that's slightly trumps- I did Vauxhall Comedy Club for my tour and I was staying just at the start of Lambeth, is it? And there's a Portuguese quarter. Yeah. Everyone's fucking Portuguese. Five Portuguese shops, five Portuguese.

Oh! How many Fortunandos have you got, man? I bet there's Fortunords. I'm 42nd generation Johnny Muley. 42nd, it Muley 42nd you've still got the accent past dual generation of the generation

I actually live in fucking Twickenham I live in Chiswick nice I love that pub with the comedy in accent's waning there

it's actually moving round the country 42 generations and it's now in Thirsk well I haven't been back for about nine years. You've managed to make Geordie sound deaf.

Yeah. I'm doing a deaf Geordie. I'm doing a deaf Geordie. He just doesn't like to talk about his disability. Thanks for bringing it up, Kyle. Wow.

But yeah, it's... But Melbourne, is Melbourne the... Oh, hello. Getting a train to London. Getting a train to London. Getting a jet train. Yeah, Melbourne's like, Melbourne's... They're like, yeah, I'll have. Getting a train to London. Getting a train to London. Getting a jet train.

Yeah, Melbourne's like, Melbourne's, they're like, yeah, I'll have another one. I can go. Yeah, Melbourne's wicked, man. Melbourne's like sort of, it's got the cultural. Is that where you mean to move? Is that where you? I think we would move there, yeah. Because it's like, you know, I think it's got that sort of London-y cultural.

Like, it's like a UK city in terms of it's full of culture and stuff. But it's also hot and it's got that sort of London-y cultural, like it's like a UK city in terms of it's full of culture and stuff, but it's also hot and it's got a beach. You know what I mean? Sydney's a little bit too sporty for me. Everyone's so fit. I think I'd fit in there, yeah. Honestly, you go to Sydney

and you feel like such a fat wanker everywhere you go. I just, yeah, I don't, Sydney doesn't do it for me. You meant you as the collective, not- No, no, I felt like I was including everyone in this room in was including everyone in this room every single one of you would feel the same as long as they've got a table tennis scene i'll be fine if it's outdoor what you'd look good playing outdoor table tennis topless the thing is genuinely with table tennis people don't actually believe i'm good at it because they look at me frame and they go oh he's a big fat melting mess oh no one says that oh he's thinking oh no yeah I know you're right and then they're like oh my god

what the how could he possibly move from side to side that quick table you're actually good at table oh he's annoyingly good oh right yeah yeah you know call me the speedy crab table tennis it's like paul paul snooker table tennis they're all in that category of like yeah you know sort of it's it's a sign of a misspent youth in it you know what i mean i had a table tennis table that's it i'm really good at pool you were really good at pool because i lived in a pub for when i was really young and i just got well annoyingly good and i used to beat adults in the pub and they fucking hated it getting beaten by a 10 year old when you're a 40 year old pissed idiot it's the worst day of your life 10 year old when you're a 40 year old pissed idiot it's the

worst day of your life 10 year old fucking pool shark yeah so like but it's always a sign of your of a bad like a child what's your pub sport what if i had to pick i do like pool i'm not particularly good at any i fucking love darts are you good at darts um no i don't think i'm any i'm honestly not that good have you ever thrown a 180 i have I've thrown one in my life and it is genuinely, I put it in my top five life moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it does feel good. Like, it does feel good.

Was it competitive? You were playing a game? No, no, I was in my bedroom. But even then I was like, this is never getting, this is in the top, it goes straight in the top. Did anyone witness it? No one witnessed it. Yeah, same as it, same for me.

This was before smartphones. I had a dartboard in my bedroom when I was from the age of about 15 to 18 No one witnessed it Yeah same as it Same for me This was before smartphones I don't know I had a dartboard in my bedroom When I was from the age of about 15 to 18 And I just got well good And then I just remember that one day Just 180 I don't think it counts if no one witnessed it

But no one witnessed mine either I used to throw them to 180s by my nan No I ate a nine darted in me nan's house When I was a kid But Norm was there to see it Of course I know it's better when people see it I used to drink, or my family used to drink

at St Margaret Mary's Parish Club which is like the church owned bar behind the church that's where we've had every family event my mum and dad got married in that church my cousin had her 18th there every christening was there

and my dad was in their darts team for years and also like I was allowed to drink in there from the age of like 14

allegedly I've alleged it against myself on a Sunday me and my best mate another lad called Adam we would go and play snooker

not pool snooker all day while in between like the footy being on yeah and then on a friday night sometimes i go and play darts with my dad when he was in the team i used to work in one of them i worked in an irish social club that was attached to saint boniface church in two in broadway from the age of 13 i worked illegally i used to like pick up glasses when in the pub which you can't i think there used to be a law you couldn't work after 10 p.m. if you were under 16 or something.

And I was like 13 working in a bar. And yeah, I just used to play snooker. And then when I got to the sort of 17, I started working behind the bar. I still remember when Magnus, do you remember Magnus cider? I remember when it first like landed on these shores and it was only in the small bottles.

And I remember drinking it one night after work. And it was like, it was honestly like a revelation. I've never had anything that tasty. And I felt fine the next day. And I remember drinking it one night after work. And it was like, it was honestly like a revelation. I've never had anything that tasty. And I felt fine the next day. So I told all my mates, there's a new drink in town. Honestly, I said, you won't believe it. It's cider.

No one drinks cider. Strongbow is disgusting. I went, and honestly, you don't get a hangover. So all my mates came and we drank like an obscene amount. I think we drank like 20 bottles each. And the next day we were all fucked it was just i just had a lucky break on the first time i did it and oh man i remember the hangover next my mate had to go to work the next morning and he got so shit-faced

drinking magnus and he went home and he watched a knockoff dvd of gladiator that was in spanish and then he went straight to work just shit shit-faced. And I remember like, being so sorry for him. What was your, what was the hell of a way to learn a language, that? LimeWire was just the original Rosetta Stone one.

Just watch a film you've already seen in a different language. I remember two, I think it was called Two Dogs. Oh yeah. I can tighten. No, no, it wasn't Two Dogs Fighting.

I know that. I actually know that. Do you know that? No. There's an area called Heighten and it's affectionately known locally as Two Dogs. Right. Because it's Heighten, Heighten, Two Dogs Fighting.

One's a black and one's a white. Yeah. Racist rhymes. We don't have racism. It's about dogs, isn't it? They're both staffs. It's the same race of dog Which other talk Oh

You know Two Dogs was just basically The one that What would you What came before Hooch Yes Lemon Hooch Peter Sessa

It was I remember drinking that And going There's a way Yeah There's a way to get drunk You don't have to drink Fucking Heineken

or whatever shite you could get your hands on. It smelled of ice. I remember when that came along, that was a similar revolution, wasn't it? But then it obviously very quickly, you learn it gave you like stomach ulcers. I remember- Turbo Shandys are still good though.

Which one? Oh yeah, Turbo Shandys. But have you ever heard of a, I don't think you would have, because I think I'm pretty sure I know people that just made it up. They made up a cocktail Called a Joe Swale

And do you remember Joe Swale He was a deaf snooker player Yeah yeah yeah I had a poster of him I think it was half a lager Half a lager I see Jordy Sorry yeah Jordy

I'm from your swale We are 147 But it was half a lager. Get a load of this. Half a lager. Bottle of Smirnoff Ice upside down in it. Like that, right? Bottle of Wicked, Blue Wicked upside down like that.

What, Biggs Disclass? Bottle of Orange. But no, because you know you could do the thing where you put the stuff in the bottles in and it pours through. So it was Orange Reef, Smirnoff Ice, Blue Wicked, half a lager. And you drink that and it makess through so it was a orange reef smyrn off ice blue wicked half a lager and you drink that and it makes you deaf just get the whole of the 90s into one drink

fucking hell yeah one thing we used to do when we first started going out every now and then, I don't know whether you did this very often, you definitely did it once or twice. Slater's. Slater's, yeah. Yeah, I did it loads. But I used to do it quite a bit

with Paul Blair and Tony Carroll. We'd start this as a way to have a cheap night out. So there's a bar on Slater Street, it's still there now, called Slater's Bar in Liverpool. And they used to do, they would give you a quadruple vodka

and a bottle of Blue Wicked. But legally it was two. Yeah, they cut glass. So they give you a double in a pint glass, another double in like a small glass and a bottle of Blue Wicked for a fiver. So you'd have essentially five shots of vodka because there's one in the Wicked for a fiver.

And you just have two of them and you wouldn't have to drink for the rest of the night. Yeah, you'd start your night out with just a tenner and then you were done that's when you'd be with students yeah you doing well Dan?

now I need someone to take this off me before I forget that I hate it and try and drink it for the fourth time Downy? Salute

Downy? yeah you said you'd be respected if you said that can someone Jack? it does repeat on your bad whiskey.

That's what you get. Get a fucking professional photographer. What a team player. All the pictures are skewered. Can we have a break? Because my throat hurts. Don't you need some whiskey? All right, guys.

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Yeah, right here. A VPN is basically a way for you to improve your internet security. And also, you can change the location of where you are based. So let's say you're in the UK, but there's a film on like the American Netflix. You can set your location to America, log into Netflix, and it'll think you're in America. What? Isn't that amazing? Wow. log into Netflix and it'll think you're in America what isn't that amazing wow also

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it's been shown in and set your location to that country thank you for educating me Adam do you know what what about if I want to watch foreign porn if you want to watch

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Yeah, nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use code, Peter, use code have a word. Word 10, have a word. No, no,, use code. Have a word. Word 10. Have a word. No, Peter. No, Peter. Concentrate.

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In a can What year is it? Oh what year is it? 2022 A good year I don't know if you know That's a good year for Peter Clowder Should I drink the porn star martini?

You can drink the porn star martini Does anyone have anything to open it with? Or is it a twisty? Oh don't do your teeth Oh yeah Talking about misspent youth Adam does it with his cock Huh?

He does it with his cock Just put your little foreskin over the top No he does it with his arsehole You know when you use the word smooth around alcohol can you can this be

part of the consideration he's done it lovely smooth Malibu is smooth this is a this is a flat a flat drink

just open and that reminds me of me now is it is it in date ooh yeah has it gone bitter

smells like umbongo umbongo umbongo did you get in the gongo Is it in date? Ooh Yeah Has it gone bitter? Smells like Umbongo Umbongo Umbongo Did you get in the congo? Just getting flashbacks To my nan's funeral Oh that's lovely that is

There you go Sorry Yes yes Very nice Do noo noo Noo noo Shall we all stop getting blathered And start doing

Oh shut up I don't know I have to in my head in sometimes, you know. Sorry for making this work. It's all fun and games until Carl starts being a prick. Here's a contentious one that we've not done for a while, but I'm taking a chance. Would you rathers? Speed round.

Would you rather? Jamie Rogers says, if Dan somehow had his dick bit By a venomous snake And Adam, Finn, Carl and Steve Have all No And Carl Donnelly Have all seen it happen

He actually wrote that I don't know how he knew Would you rather Help Dan out And get down on them Big boy knees And suck that venom Out of Dan's dick

With pus and blood Coming from the bite as well As it being Dan's dick Or I'm gonna be honest with you I haven't listened to anything Because I was pouring my drink Dan's been bit by a snake On the day i've stuck my dick in the snake tank

classic me love a reptile dan's been bitten on the dick by a snake would you suck it out it's i'm dying i'm dying dick first has it been confirmed it's a poisonous snake what it's a cobra i'm literally doing this i'm going towards the tree. Yeah, but is that because you're about to coma because you've been poisoned? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sneak sucking them off. Oh, what a kink that would be.

New kink unlocked. Cobra dick. Or would you not help him out and Dan loses all feeling from his dick and can never use it again after you got him his treatment? Keep up the good work,

you bunch of fucking legends. Oh, well, Jamie Rogers, we know what they're going to say. We're pulling privilege instantly. No, no, I'm going to answer you honestly, right? I would suck your dick to keep you alive. I would not suck your dick to keep your ability to fuck. Really?

I'd suck. I'd suck. Anyone in this room's dick. Just to help them out. With anything. With anything, guys. Blue balls. I'd suck anyone in this room's dick just to help them out with anything with anything guys I've had a couple of whiskies if anyone's got any problems I'll suck your dick

not even got the fucking snake what snake Dan gets pissed on the dick I'll start sucking my fin off oh is this the wrong one I'll get to you in a minute Dan gets pissed on the dick, Carl starts sucking Finn off. Oh, is this the wrong one? I'll get to you in a minute, Mr. Snakebite. Matthew King says... We've all got problems, I'm just sucking some dicks.

That's basically... I would say, yeah. One love. I would say, yeah, if it was... Fuck you. Because that is going to be a debilitating problem for you forever. Oh, guys. It's Peter. Oh, no.'s peter the have a word snake

come on get it out i would love to bite you on the dick okay now i like peter you get your dick on yeah all right sorry um matthew king says wag wag lids we all know the worst thing in the world is to be tired and have to put bedding on we all know the worst thing in the world is to be tired and have to put bedding on would you rather every night go to bed and have to put a full set of fresh bedding on or every night sleep in a bed with no bedding at all say that again

ADHD plus fucking whiskey say that again it's gonna be a fucking it's gonna be a fucking death ADHD plus fucking whiskey you're bladdered I mean not bladdered you're tired and every night you either have to

change the bedding every night or sleep in no bedding no you can't sleep in no bedding nah it's gross it makes you feel like a fucking

war fucking yeah yeah like a prisoner of war a war a war fucking ayee lad. A war fucking. Yeah, you're feeling like a war fucking. Do you know, last week,

so last week, me and Carl attended the birthday party of a friend of ours. And long story short, someone there was being a bit of a gobshite and it put a sour ending on the event. Yeah? Yeah.

Neither of us, by the way. Neither of us. No, we were behaved. But it sort of, you know, it put a poo ending on the event yeah yeah neither of us by the way neither of us no we were behaved but it's sort of you know it put a poo on the party right that old phrase don't put a poo on the party when i got home and a few more drinks in the flat and then realized that the last thing i did before i left for that party was strip the bed and not put the stuff back on and absolutely twatted at about half three in the morning i did me bed to the best of my ability i would rather make a little nest out of uh washing wash clothes washing oh have you ever done that when you've when you've

got back and you you've just not finished tidying bedroom, there's no bed sheets on. I'm just like, if I'm tired enough, pissed, I will just get in and make a little fucking nest of anything around me. Like, fuck that. Like a dying cat. Yeah. Just wrap yourself in stuff. I never put bedding on pissed. Well, I did.

I wouldn't come out of it. Adam's blathered. Matthew Bentley says... I haven't had enough to have had three large whiskeys. Non-switch all over again. Matthew Bentley says I haven't had enough to have had three large whiskeys non-switch all over again Matthew Bentley says would you rather be the first to die

out of your mates oh no I can't do any more death Matthew not doing any more death it's been very philosophical today but no more death

no more Dylan says would you rather have eyes that film anything or ears that can record anything? I don't want either of them. I've seen Black Mirror.

Man's greatest superpower is the ability to forget. What has that whiskey done to you, mate? If that's your line, you need to drink more whiskey. You're announcing a tour. You should be pissed all spring writing new material. Have you seen Ellen Rose's new show? It's fucking beautiful. And also,

lots of fly. Except you won't know where you're fucking flying to, you forgot. That's the best thing alcohol does to us though, isn't it? What? Makes you forget.

It makes you forget your behaviour while you're drunk yeah like it's not alcohol's fault that other people remind you what you did alcohol has done its job it's deleted the memory yeah of the twattery hasn't it it's the reason it's your mates who are the cunts going oh you pissed on me sister that's not alcohol's fault Sick of hearing it I think Adam's drinking diesel Jesus Also Makes you last longer

That's a fucking super bar for me Well What the booze Oh when you have Drunken sex I'm like But then it goes Then you go over a point

And it becomes tedious Can I Admit something That happened to me once The woman wouldn't leave me alone And I got a friction bear on me car Bought her a Build-A-Bear. I've been jizzing a bit too quick recently.

Really? With my wife of eight years. No, been together eight years. I don't know if she's getting sexier or if I'm getting more appreciative, but my penis is like, and it's not, I'm having to like chill myself out i went when you i went through a premature ejaculation phase yeah yeah 14 down the scene margie mary's fucking

social now one of my ex-girlfriends there was literally just a one month period and i literally mean it lasted about a month where like for the life of me i couldn't make her finish before me right it would last four or five minutes and then i'd be done and it was a fucking nightmare and then she was like she was like i'd have to finish it off with my mouth or fingers do you know what i mean and then after that it just went away and i was back to being a stallion that was a lucky full moon i've always had the opposite i genuinely have always had a problem with uh being able to last too long. Sorry. I've always been, I've just never ever had that thing of jizzing too early. It's just, I don't know what it is.

Literally just a month. I don't know what happened. Just the sensitivity of my, and I do have foreskin. I just want to clarify. Hey, P.S. If you're going to choose one, if you had to be lumped with one yeah jizzing too quick or not

being able to take what i've got but i've had so many occasions where i've had to just finish we've just finished and i've just never come right just like a yeah like a like a draw yeah just end yeah i just take a five day test match that ends with no result a home draw the worst type of draw I'd say this about being a being quick to the jizz sometimes you have to

there's times when it's not good but I always get mine now I'm not being selfish I try not to be a selfish lover but I have never had a score draw

if anything I've had one of them where England have been bowled out for 37 and it's ended on day 2 it had a score draw if anything I've had one of them where England have been bowled out for 37 and it's ended on day 2 isn't a score draw when you both come mate every time I

every time I fuck it's like 20-20 yeah and nil-nil is when no one comes yeah can't be like 3-0 because then you are selfish I come quicker

while I slow fuck not even messing it's the romance do you know what I mean I think it is I think I like it more if it feels like I'm making love. Will you love Luther Vandrossa? And if you can sing one of his songs, I'm impressed.

I think it's because you feel every millimetre of it. Do you know what I mean? Jesus. All 62,000. He's blabbered. If I think I'm close to coming, I get my arse going like a bees ring And it makes me last a bit longer

And also she's having a fucking wonderful time Come the fuck off it That is not true No it is It absolutely is If I'm like He's getting into the fucking The mood and he's feeling sexy

If he He makes that noise. He's a base in a transit. And you don't pound. And you don't pound. Ooh. Ooh. Can I just say?

If I'm slowly like, you know like when you're sort of like mixing the batter and you're like doing like a 360 with your hips and stuff and you're like, ah. How small's your dick you're using millimeters, mate? What? How small's your dick you're using millimeters? Every millimeter counts, Karl. That's the point.

Use his feet. No, you do not last longer by pounding harder. I do. You do. I do. Absolutely you do.

See? What? You take the fucking romance out of it and you make it just an animal fuck. I think me and you are very similar in the bedroom. I think we're fuck buddies.

Not in that way. Take the whiskey off Adam, I'm getting shagged here these are two pounding each other in the lobby no no he's right

because you're getting all fucking sexy in it and you're feeling good about yourself when you're just banging it you also sex is better when it means

more no just pull out and say the Lord's Prayer it's not your method oh every time I've had oh don't say it out

loud what don't say it out loud? What? Do you want to say it out loud? Oh, yeah, yeah. You pull out, say they are far, then go back in. It turns lower on. That's why she doesn't go to church. I'm telling you right now,

the worst thing for me if I'm trying to last long is to make it passionate and slow. Cool. Break eye contact. So that's your method? Speedo. Speedo. Do you know

Genuinely what it is Genuinely I figured this out This wasn't even that long ago Right Shut up No shut up I need to keep

To last longer I need to keep me Bellend away from the labia So Bellend the labia right so bellend and labia right colloquialism and a medical term

so pick two so imagine you're really deep in like you couldn't get any deeper right I don't come out

all the way keep the mouse in the house I only come out like half a dick yeah because that's where all the sensitivity is yeah so it just keeps like

the bottom of my shaft going in and out, but the rest of it just stays right near the fucking back wall. Do you know what I mean? Classic move. Also, ladies, if we pull out... You need a little sort of helmet. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah.

That's a good move, isn't it? Because you don't feel anything on the tip of your dick. I feel something. Yeah? The imagery. Ladies, if we pull out and go down there, it's because we want to slow down there It's because we wanna Slow down It's not always

Because we're being nice That doesn't really do it for me Though I've tried that before But Genuinely Eating pussy turns me on So if I do that The second I go back in

I'm done Who art in heaven Go and have another drink Hallow do I live Thy kingdom come I will be done Keep the whiskey gifts cold Who art in heaven? Go and have another drink. I love you, I love you. Thy kingdom come. Keep the whiskey gifts cold. Your bellend and your labia.

Keep those two apart. Like two chevrons. Keep the bellend and your labia. Keep two chevrons apart pass Because it's wet It's fucking dangerous What are you doing backing up lad Breaking distance Why are you doing

Pulling onto the hard shoulder Give me five minutes You two domine padre onto the hard shoulder. Give me five minutes. He'd cough on his shoulder. You too, Domine Padre. Or on top of Danza. Sorry, speed round. Steven Prescott says, all right,

dear lids, would you rather sleep with the top half of Mila Kunis and the bottom half of The Rock or the top half of The Rock and the bottom half

of Mila Kunis? Keep up the good work. Steve. So they're having a bomb where The Rock would sit. Who's Mila Kunis? She's Meg From Family Guy She's also friends with Benefits

Very beautiful Half Russian I know from that Yeah yeah yeah She's gorgeous I genuinely think She's the most beautiful woman Who's ever existed

She's a cute Well of course The top half Who's picking the Fucking bottom half The bottom half Is the rock So basically

You have an air top half With the rock's dick And Bomb hole Oh yeah You want to look at the rock. So basically, you have an air top half with the rock stick. And bottom hole. Oh, yeah. You want to look at the rock while you eat air pussy? Oh, I'm in a ladyboy lane. It's an unusual bottom half, but I'm into it.

Mila Kunis with some fucking quads. Oh, she's got a fucking cock. Mila Kunis on a quad bike. Let's go. Tell you what, Mila Kunis on a quad bike, let's go. Tell you what Mila, so good job you not got labia. Otherwise I'd fucking jeers. Can I just ask how long time wise we did in that third section?

Because there's sometimes I look down and I'm like, I can't believe we've done this long. And it feels like we've done longer than the 15 minutes we've done. I'm not catching that scene. Karl, what would you... I would 100% go top half medical

and bottom half rock. I also think, hey, if you're going to deal with the dick, the rock's dick, he's definitely not. He's steroid dick, isn't he? Yeah. He's going to be tiny

that's just a big clip I don't want the penis involved so I'm going the other way around I'm going the rocks top half top half rock yeah just close me eyes stoke it how would you even know

it's a middle nail it's his bottom half where does his bottom half start by the way crotch it's above the waist belly button so oh so like

it's like his hips down yeah yeah glad we cleared that one up oh no no yeah It's above the waist Belly bun So Oh so like It's like his hips down Yeah Yeah Glad we cleared that one up Oh no no Yeah Obviously if you've got your eyes open You fucking sat next to Dwayne The Rock Johnson

You don't want that You close your eyes That's Sinead O'Connor innit Come to your shaggy meal Like you're in something Think of Sinead O'Connor Future guests Think of meal

Like you're in something Yeah So we've had a lock in And he's more pissed on this than he was on the lock in Sam Lee hey up lids I was at

Sam Lee hey lids I was at Adam's epic gig in Nantwich when he was on the back end of a few drinks oh dear

question would you rather do that gig oh dear again no that bad gig over and over for the rest of your career in nantwich or would you rather only ever be able to gig at haven holiday caravan parks for the rest of your career so you what's your worst ever gig what's the gig where you're like, oh, it was such a pig. Just for context of this call, so you understand the question properly.

A few months ago, I went on a date, first date. Nice. And I've been talking to the girl for a little bit of time. I was like, well, should we go out next week? And every night I was free, she wasn't. So it turned out she had the Friday day off and I was gigging the Friday night, right? She's got a day job.

So I said, wait, well, we'll go for a couple of drinks in the afternoon, but then I'll have to leave you. I can have like two, maybe three, and then I can go to the gig. On the way to the date, I text my mate who's a taxi driver and I said, listen, lad, I'm not going on a first date with this girl.

If it's going really well, I'm not going to just want to have like three shandies. So I'll text you and I'll pay you what you would earn today as a taxi driver to take me to meet like three chandeliers. So I'll text you and I'll pay you what you would earn today as a taxi driver to take me to meet Gig and Bach. You know what I mean? I'll cover the hours. That's a good plan.

Bit of pre-planning. Got to about quarter past two and I was like, lads, I've had four. I need you. Yeah. Right. Carried on drinking, went too far. I was having a really good time with the girl.

Went to the gig. Done gigs pissed before. Felt like it'd be fine. About two minutes into the set, a woman was really offended with the premise to the gig. Done gigs pissed before. Felt like it'd be fine. About two minutes into the set, a woman was really offended with the premise to the joke. And I was too... Normally, every joke I do on stage, I feel like I can defend.

I won't do it otherwise. So normally, like if someone's upset, I can be like, now here's why you're wrong and here's the jokes that justify it. I didn't have that ability in me. That's what the alcohol took away from me. You just become rude.

And I had an absolute stinker. The worst gig I've had in a decade. Quality. Right? So that's what the alcohol took away from me you just become rude and i had an absolute stinker the worst gig i've had in a decade quality right so that's what he's asking the most okay so would you want that or just do shit gigs like venues havens havens haven like family-friendly holiday park comedy you take what so you've just got to do that one again once no forever every gig is that every gig is holiday take the shit venue all the time, surely. You take the holiday parks? Yeah. Yeah, you would. No, I wouldn't.

There might be some fun to be had in them. I've done bad venues. I once did a holiday park, a caravan park. Yeah. Me and Mr. Methane. That's genuine. Oh, Mr. Methane. The guy that did farts.

He used to be on like Eurotrash and shit. He just farted. I did a caravan like butlins type thing but it was everyone like stayed in caravans and i got booked for it and it was on a the the stage was a dance floor and they put all the tables around it so like they were miles away and it was me and mr methane i was open and he was closing no compare and then no compare and then uh they said oh we'll give you a nice sort of a caravan to stay in for the for the night and then the day before they went would you mind sharing

with mr methane i was like well yeah because that's because of his fucking name what was his thing though he farted he farts on cue like he can control his own sphincter have you never seen it no genuinely you've got to look at it i mean it's exactly what you think it is before you've seen it he wears a bright green all-in-one suit like a superhero and a cape and he literally gets on stage and does that and then like puts he puts some chalk on his bum and then he just shoots it out wow and sometimes he can put a tube in it and shoot a dart out as well and pop balloons so if you're opening for that you know what that's like as a creative person

yes oh god i feel like i've been witness to the end of this podcast. It's my microphone. Audio listeners, audio listeners, I'll let you guess what you just heard. On cue. Fucking earphones on. On cue.

Unbelievable. The control. That is outrageous. See, people think IBS means I've got no control of me arsehole. It's the exact opposite. Total control. I'm like the Hulk. I'm always angry. Yeah. It's the exact opposite. Total control. I'm like the Hulk. I'm always angry. Yeah, it is the exact opposite.

How is that relevant? Like Iron Man. A lot of people think because I've got IBS, I haven't got control. I'm like Iron Man. Wearing a suit. What are you on about? The Hulk famously doesn't have control of his

Oh I got hot headed Oh Let's wrap this one That mic must stink No it's alright Such a beautiful sound Sign up at patreon.com

Slash have a word pod To see Him follow through Where'd you go after Someone's farted into a microphone Do you want to tell us about the podcast you do If I'm honest I just do a podcast called TVI

It's very fun me and Julian Dean talk shit For an hour a week. The original title was Two Vegan Idiots, but have you sort of retracted from that? Well, we shortened it just for a nice sort of abbreviation. And it's not about veganism. Literally, the thing is it was called Two Vegan Idiots, but we never mentioned veganism.

So we just thought, let's just shorten it so that it doesn't sound like a vegan podcast. We nearly called our podcast Two Meat Lovers. Like the Hulk. just shorten it so that it doesn't sound like a vegan podcast we nearly called our podcast two meat lovers like the hulk but yeah it's it's very fun it's just similar similar vibe to this let's fart and into my you have guests though don't you yeah we do yeah not every episode can i come on in january please yeah definitely when you're in let us know when you're in london come on it'd be really fun i'm gonna come and do you and trusty hogs or just yeah next time you two are in london come on mate it'll be fun uh and social media where can they find you the thing yeah i mean i'm on twitter but that's probably dying isn't it so like just yeah instagram's the one i'd say follow me on instagram

just because the the advent calendar is going to be fun this year oh it is such a nice way to start every day at carl donnelly and then, yeah, literally every morning of December, I drink a cocktail at 9am and then I've edited the video of me making it, opening it, seeing what booze it is. It goes up about lunchtime. Yeah, I try and get it edited. I do it and also the thing is,

because obviously I don't want to, the editing is very quick and I just need to get it done. So it's always me opening it, deciding what's a drink and it's normally a cocktail so i add stuff in and then i drink it normally in the space of like three to five minutes so if it's really strong it goes right to my head and then i've i've edited it and put it out by about midday one o'clock and it's it is fun like i mean it's yeah it's pretty messy but it's uh it's a good 24 days to watch a man have a sort of meltdown pre-Christmas.

Patrons, if you're watching this first thing Saturday morning and you haven't got anything to do, Saturday the 26th of November, this is when this comes out for Patrons, but Carl is closing the Comedians Club Chester with me on Saturday. There are about 20 tickets left. If you fancy it, he is one of the best. If you're in London, Monday the 28th of November, I'm hosting the Comedy Store's King Gong. Oh, yeah. That's so fun.

And I've never done it before, and I've always wanted to do it. I'm very excited. It's very much in my wheelhouse. Yeah. I think. Did you do it as an up-and-coming? I did it once in Manchester, and I've gone off. Right, okay.

Yeah, so if you're in London and at a loose end on Monday, the 28th of November, please come and watch me host that. It's going to be a load of have a word for my guests as well. Ishan's coming down for a drink. Thomas Green's coming down for a drink. There's other comics who've said they're going to come down and hang out. It's going to be a good night. I'm really excited.

So come and watch us do that if you fancy thanks for being episode 200 mate it was a blind it was very fun sorry for ruining that no it's been great i love it when one of us gets when one of us gets drunk it's always the best if you want to see more of us drunk sign up at patreon.com slash have a word where we have a litany of uh lock-ins seven if that works i've got seven lock-ins and a shitload of other patreon specials that are some of the finest work you will see in uk comedy is that it you got me got a song quickly song finn's a musician so he likes to support them this one's from kanye west uh this week is the man who did the music for alfie special so we're giving him a bit of a plug of course this is this is a guy called gran faloon Kanye West. This week is the man who did the music for Alfie's special.

So we're giving him a bit of a plug. Oh, of course. This is a guy called Gran Faloon. I've not heard this name before, but the song's called Working On Your Own. And it's got Rick Jutt from Elbow on the drums. Oh, cool. I think you've talked a bit too much this episode, Finn.

That's enough of that. Sorry. Next week will be nice. If you're one of the pubes and you're not a patron, oh, hang on. Yeah. Now, if you're one of the pubes and you're not a patron oh hang on yeah if you're one of the pubes and not a patron the next time you see

this studio it'll be all Christmas decked out oh yeah and these lights are going to be green just so there's one final note

I will say it's an amazing studio and you both should be very proud of yourself all of you should be very proud of yourselves for what you've done here this is amazing

it's an inspiring thing to watch what you guys have done cheers mum we deserve a drink so good work good work everyone good work you team especially

Callum the intern none of this could have happened without you bye bye bye Felicia bye Felicia. Molly, please spare a smile for me It's so dark here in your company Drifting like a ghost

Through the badlands we go home Your chips are way too so, so, so whole When you're working on your own On the edge, on the edge Is the civilization When you're working on your own On the edge, on the edge is the civilization When you're working on your own On the edge, on the edge is the civilization.

Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week. Thank you. That means so much as a phantom limb on social crutches Keep a little kind in your heart When you're working on your own On the edge, on the edge is a civilization When you're working on your own On the edge, on the night is the loneliest night of the week. Water, could you do with your nighttime? Could you do with your night time? What else would you do in the sunshine? What else would you do with your night time?

What else would you do with your sunshine? When you were working on your own, on the edge, on the edge of the civilization. When you're working on your own on the edge on the edges Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week