Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #201 with Jamie Webster - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

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Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star style. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Here we are in Adam's Christmas grotto. Yeah. Are you cold, Dan? What? Are you cold? You look.

You don't think you're ready to go? You look like a grandad at Christmas. No, he looks like a nan waiting for a bus. You do. Do you know what I mean? Is the AC being down yet, son? I'm trying to get home to catch Coronation Street. Did you see last night's Corrie?

No more Corrie. No more Corrie. One of the best patron-exclusive episodes ever. First half, I was having the time of my life. Second half, it just tortured me with fucking soap nostalgia from the early noughties that now if you're gonna ever get back into corrie by the way dan now is a good time to do it because it's build up to christmas isn't it oh yeah for some reason in the land of soaps someone always dies christmas new year be me killing myself it's never

just oh and then they had a really nice Christmas and everyone got what they asked for. No. It's like, oh, Steve McDonald. McDonald? I nearly said McManaman. Steve McManaman. Steve McManaman's in it now.

I would watch Corrie if Steve McManaman was in it. Hello, welcome to the Rovers Returning. Oh, God. Oh, God. I want Uwe Rosler to be the fucking landlord of the road everyone gets a sniper rifle for christmas on the stuff don't they everyone gets a sniper rifle everyone uve rosler that's now i'm in i'm starting to become more in who's running the news agents on the coronation street george where

interesting are we busy being prime minister or president of like president president of liberia he is is that a place it is just above sierra leone it's which way wow wow i tell you what he's a racist but he's an informed racist a fantasy land what it was all a lie I thought it was like what Liberia was like a like a made up a joke place

Liberia yeah like oh he fucking wants to live in like he wants to live his fantasies out like he wants the best place like Narnia I thought like

Liberia are you thinking of Siberia but then that's real as well the lion the witch and the war criminal. Fucking hell. Absolutely. It's like Narnia. What?

Is George Wayland a war criminal? No, Liberia just sounds dodgy as fuck. No, it sounds like it's been liberated. I thought, do you know what I mean? You're just making words in your head sound like... No, I thought it was made up like a lie. It was like Liberia. I thought it was just full of books.

Liberia. Don't keep calling that. God. Yeah, it's African. It's a very African country. I mean, George Ware is dead African isn't he do you know it's the levels of African

yeah yeah because it's like there's South African which is all a bit too white in it to be

you know and then there's the North African sort of Arab nations how mad is it that there's just loads of white people in South Africa it is a little bit mad how mad is it

how does evolution explain that yeah sun umbrellas yeah that's one of the charles darwin like he likes to think he's all that but at the end of the day he's not explained the white men in south africa he hasn't no yeah why are white men a lot of places, eh? And also, have we still got worms? What? I always think this. What?

It's a good question. Worms? Talk me through it. Worms are like the start, aren't they? We were just talking about Liberia. I've had a pseudofed, but

either you're being mental or pseudofed are fucking great. And I'm going to start snorting them. No, like we were all originally worms, weren't we? And then... A couple of years ago. From worms to monkeys to humans.

What? Isn't that over? Evolution. Worms. We've all got like one common ancestor, haven't we? A worm. Earthworm Jim. Yeah. It goes from worms to fucking monkeys to fucking white guys in South Africa. one common ancestor haven't we a worm earthworm germ yeah

it goes from worms to fucking monkeys to fucking white guys in South Africa evolution now one day a worm

had a baby and it was a monkey and you're like what can you get me another suit of it can you imagine the first time

like a human was born like come on I'm a fucking monkey. Imagine how mad that was. Yeah, mad, isn't it? Evolution happened in about a quarter of an hour. And then someone just comes out and is like, what's happening, mum?

Do you know what I mean? All right. Monkey's like, what the fuck's this? Yeah. Well, there had to be a day dot, didn't there? Yeah, that's what I'm saying There had to be the first human Like there was a first

Human Like you're saying It didn't happen overnight Of course it didn't But there had to have been Like a patient number one Yeah What do you mean a patient number one

First homo sapien Yeah the first homo sapien First homo sapien Yeah but It's just a variance of homo All sorts innit Like Neanderthals There was loads of homos

Wasn't there Before sapiens Wasn't there loads of homos Erectus Homo erectus Yeah It was a real mixed bag Where homo erectus

No where homo sapiens Homo erectus Was permanently erect It was just us but with constant stonkers all for it you know why it was

homo erectus why because we were starting to stand up cock the cock first erection and before homo erectus

it was homo semion monkey mum and dad homo semion and then it was homo homo it was homo semion and then it was homo homo magi homo flaccid evolution ladies and gents and liberia

take them off your bingo card if you had that and you have a word bingo it's a big massive and a massive fucking word soup. Fucking hell, Liberia. Homo erectus. Can you get them off the list?

Sudafed. Sudafed, Liberia, Homo erectus. First six minutes. If you can't follow today's conversation, try sneak. Try sneak. Here we go. What's the names? Australopithecus afarenius.

No, I want the fucking English ones. Okay. Homo habilis. Homo erectus. Homo neanderthalensis. And Homo sapiens. Oh, so there's one before. That Homo sapien looks menacing.

Australopithecus. Yeah. He was from Australia. There you go. There you go. That's the one I've seen. And I tell you what, because it's hard to understand,

I'll just pretend we all got made by a big white guy in the sky. This is complicated, and I don't like it. It was a long time ago. So I think there was a big dude that looked like a Greek philosopher in the sky. Right, Dan. See the homo neanderthals? Right.

See, at some point, two of them had a baby and out came a John. Do you know what I mean? Like the first man. The first John. It was John and Eve, wasn't it? Do you know what I mean? Like the first man. The first John. It was John and Eve, wasn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They had to have been.

And then they had to wipe out everything else. Homo sapiens wiped out all of the homos, didn't they? Did they? Yeah,

because there's none of the other ones left and we're homo sapiens. So we were, they were smarter, better hunters and they just wiped out Neanderthals. I think Neanderthals and homo sapiens so we were they were smarter better hunters and they just wiped out Neanderthals

I think Neanderthals and homo sapiens were around at the same time weren't they co-existed they co-existed we just wiped them out

because they were thick as fuck England fans yeah what about the dinosaurs Dan you're only educating me what happened with them

what happened with the dinosaurs that's the lie wasn't it what happened what what do you mean what happened I don't know you tell me What happened with them What happened with the dinosaurs What happened What do you mean You tell me what happened with the Neanderthals There was fucking dinosaurs Everywhere Bare dinosaurs And is it

What was the name for The land mass of earth before it became fractured Was it Patagonia Patagonia Yeah was it Patagonia Patagonia Patagonia yeah it was Patagonia Pangaea Pangaea

and then so all the dinosaurs are there they're all chilling enjoying their lives chilling nibbling on each other like what

get off I'm a dinosaur a foot and rock mate come foot and flying out to the sky and foot and blew them all up How did it blow them all up though?

It was a End of life occurrence wasn't it? It landed on the head of a T-Rex So that was him done Yeah he was fucked And then his family got sad And they died of depression Cool

And then squirrels survived You know Squirrels aren't dinosaurs. Mammals survived. The worms were fine because they were in the ground. And then they came out. Became monkeys. And now we're doing podcasts.

There you go. Where have you got this worms thing from? Where have you got worms to monkeys? Worms, monkeys. Two monkeys fucked. And then John came out like, lad, my granddad's a fucking worm. Just one generation between worms and people.

Fuck, I know. No, this is how evolution goes. Worm, two monkeys, monkeys fucked, John, then Bill Shankly, and then we start winning things. Basically. Oh, he's dribbling oh oh he's a christmas dribbler tell you what lad you've done some fucking talking about homo sapiens you've done some seriously can't work on this on it all credit well not all credit but like 40% of the credit goes to Steve all credit

where's the 50 on what where's the 50 on what ah let's get on

that ah wicked yeah it means Steve went shopping yesterday spent 40 quid on some Christmas

deckies liar liar homo sapien pants on fire you spent I love our business banking app because it's just such a fucking grass You're a liar. Homosapien pants on fire. You spent... I love our business banking app because it's just such a fucking grass.

I'm just at home, like, and all of a sudden you're like, Adam Rowe spent. Adam Rowe spent. Well, we were going to get two threes originally. All right. So the plan was to get an eight foot one for in here, which is the one that we've now got out there.

And we wanted to get a 20 foot one for out there, but then we realised the footprint would be quite big. It doesn't matter how big it is. It's the footprint, because the bigger it gets, the wider it gets at the bottom. And you've got a fucking absolute batty on your Christmas tree. It can be quite the space swallower. Yeah.

That's an eight-footer out there. It looks fucking excellent. Do you know, you are a bit of a lad sometimes and then there's other times when you are um a real little cutie like when it comes to christmas decorations i find it very considering how mental our family histories are like you could have been become hardened to christmas couldn't you like um, but every Christmas he gets so fucking into it. It's massively impressive. I'd hate to not like

Christmas. I feel sorry if people don't like Christmas. I think when you've got loved ones that aren't there anymore, I think some people get a bit of a detachment with Christmas. I don't, I love it. But yeah, you've really made the whole room look really nice and the lobby looks fucking great. Well done.

Well done, Steve. I hope the lights aren't distracted. It's fine. It's Christmas, isn't it? If anyone's bothered about the lights being distracted, they can just fucking suck me dick. Yeah. That's the only option.

Don't turn the telly off. Adam Rose, famous customer care. You are a bit of a lad on some things, but when it comes to Christmas, you're a bit of a cutie. Yeah, but if someone doesn't like it, they can suck my fucking grandad worm dick. Fuck off.

Dan, why do you look like you're about to fly a plane? I don't feel good. You're not well. I'm trying to reserve my energies because I want to go drinking with Will

tomorrow in Manchester. Conserve. He, conserve, yes, that's it. He's, it's his birthday, he's 30 years old. Oh my God, shot on Will. You can't have a shot on Will because he's behind the camera. But he lives in one of my favourite places in Manchester, Chorlton, and I haven't been drinking there for ages

and I am adamant that I'm going to get there tomorrow. I've got clearance from the boss. Air traffic control? Yeah. I didn't have clearance on Saturday. I thought I had and I got a phone call at 3am like, where are you? And that hasn't happened for a long time.

Air traffic control drunk? Air traffic control. Where are you? Air traffic control woke up, saw that I wasn't in my room and phoned me when I was out in Chester and then air traffic control woke me up at 9am on Sunday morning to look after my kids for three hours as punishment.

Is air traffic control your wife? Yeah. Oh, I thought they were a bit needy these days. Yeah. I was going to say, they've got no business with that level of... I've got... Intrusion. Full clearance for Tomozzi's mate. Why the fucking dick's any of you used to use it? You used to be retired. I've got full no business with that level of I've got intrusion full clearance for Tomasi's mate

why the fucking dick's any of you used to do that you're both tired what I'm tired yeah you've both seen him he's been putting up four and a half grand

of fucking Christmas deckies no wonder he's tired no he's pervying as well yeah I had a few drinks celebrating you went to the Hawksmoor I went to Hawksmoor yeah what were you celebrating

what is that is it fancy Is it fancy? It looked fancy. It's a steak restaurant and it's an absolute bastard of a steak restaurant. Who is it? At the Porterhouse.

Do you know what a Porterhouse is? Steak. Yeah. It's a T-bone. Yeah. It's like a premium T-bone. Yeah. Is it one where you

slide out the bone? No. Oh, right. What's that? Ribs. Yeah. But it comes like... T-bone Yeah Is it one where you Slide out the bone No Oh right What's that Ribs Yeah But it comes Like they pre

They pre-slice it for you So it comes in all the pieces And then when you're done You just deep throat the bone Get all the marrow Yeah yeah yeah We're going next week Can we all get that

No We're not going there Actually we're going somewhere else How much was Can you just put a price I've seen a picture of that steak it looked good

I just want to know 14 quid 14 pound steak that's really good do they have an offer on on a Wednesday oh that's nice the peppercorn sauce

was 650 quid 650 quid just don't get the sauce it's my you've got to haven't you yeah you don't have to

but they've got you there but at Miller and Carter they treat you like shit if you say I don't want sauce in Miller Miller and Carter they treat you like shit if you say I don't want sauce in Miller and Carter Cardiff I was like can I just get the steak and chips she was like what sauce do you want on top I was like nothing on top she was like even the butter

I was like no I don't want anything I just want the meat and some fries and she was like oh I can see you've not been to Miller and Carter before I was like I have I just want steak and chips you fucking Welsh lady! That's terrible. What a terrible, terrible customer service.

What was her name? Dog shit. What was her name? Barbara. Barbara Cunt. Oh, she sounds like a cunt. She was a fucking rat. Just let me eat what I want.

Adam, what were you celebrating last night? Because I think we should have all been celebrating. Barbara Cunt. Imagine that was your name. What's your name, love? It's Barbara.

Barbara what? This is Barbara. Barbara C. What's the C Stand for Cunt I'm Barbara Cunt Okay It's a German name

Cunt What was I celebrating Last night Health So you went for A big bit of red meat Yeah Just to fuck it up

Red meat's good for you Do you know Wednesday nights I just think What a blessing Let's celebrate health Yeah not Everything in moderation,

but I haven't had that much red meat lately. Right. What are the... I see a lot of videos on social media of, like, ribs and bones being pulled out of salt bae. Is that a bit much? Yeah, salt bae gives you the fucking salt through his arm hairs. The fucking lizard.

Yeah, they want all your fucking arm dandruff and me skin and fuck off I'm thinking of going veggie twice a week add it to the list go talk me through it hang on

go veggie twice a week I'm not giving up I'm just gonna leave the bullshit belt with me ah yeah yeah yeah watch twice as many animals

die the day before the veg day yeah I've gotta eat two fucking steaks haven't I animals die the day before the veg day yeah i've got to eat two fucking steaks on a thursday's veg day go on go on what are you thinking i mean two days a week two days a week two days a week yeah yeah twice a week sounds like you start again twice which mean you said twice a week rather than two days a week no twice a week i never really days a week. No, twice a week. I know what he meant. I know what he meant.

I was just being finicky. No, what I said was absolutely fine, and you knew exactly what it meant. That's all that language is for. The past is none of knowledge. Which is what this podcast is about, guys. Evolution. Liberia.

Sudafed. Knowledge. New mage. Barbara. Cunt. Come on. institution liberia pseudofed knowledge barbara cunt come on veggie um what days i'm telling you right now you cannot go vegetarian on one of them weekend days can you i was thinking of doing tuesday and saturday no you. Yeah? Why? Because I should be completely vegan, shouldn't I? Like, morally. So, Saturday's the hardest one to do, so I should be punishing myself.

So, I do Saturday. Yeah. The vegan Shabbat. I watch Tuesday. The Sabbath. Champions League night. Tuesday's as far away as you can get from Saturday,

apart from Wednesday As far away as you can get Apart from Wednesday So toss up Vegan Tuesday or vegan Wednesday Pick your preference No I don't think If you're going to go veg I'd suggest you do

I think Monday Thursday I think Monday Thursday Pancake I think, Monday, Thursday. I think Monday, Thursday. Pancake day? Monday, Thursday. Monday, Thursday. Do you not think?

That's the only day that you go veg. You can't go veggie on a Sunday or a Saturday. Monday, Thursday. Monday or Thursday. Are you being massively difficult on purpose, Carl? Is it because I'd sexually involved Friday? Does everyone really think me and Carl have got beef

I thought it was me and Adam no it was me did you not see my Instagram a lot of beef between Carl and Dan someone said

there's such an obvious tension between Carl and Dan at the minute what's going on he said no I saw that I didn't really

read the question. Have you squashed that now? Have you forgiven them for fucking all of your aunties? We've had to just have a little bit of a... All two of them. All one of them. Yeah, we had that private little... So what, are you an auntie single? No, I mean blood.

What? I mean like blood. No. So you've got six no two aunties and an uncle and they're all all in relationships yeah yeah so you got six not really you can shag the married in months you can shag all the married in family if you want i don't really want to fuck your family just alleviate this tension we've got it is pretty edgy yeah it's because we haven't fucked this month it's built on up

you need to blow my head off homo erectus over here mate what were we celebrating Adam when yesterday

John Barnes birthday wasn't it meatloves birthday is that what you call John Barnes no is that your little you called John Barnes? No Is that your little nickname for John Barnes? No it's Meatloaf's birthday

Oh was it? Happy birthday to you Meat Happy birthday dear Meatloaf Yeah It's Meatloaf Ted Died this year Maybe last year Oh maybe last year

Sorry to break the news to you I had no idea And John Barnes is still alive John Barnes has gone mental, by the way. Have you seen what he said about Hitler? Bad. In what context is John Barnes answering a question where Hitler comes into it?

So he's talking about Qatar and people protesting. And he doesn't think people should be protesting over there. And he said, you know there was you know when Hitler was happening no one was protesting

him was they would people have fucked with Hitler the way they're fucking with Qatar did he say that yeah that's not far off

wouldn't dare do the same to Hitler's Nazi Germany as he tells fans to stop lecturing the world co-posts over human rights

in a bizarre rant oh take the microphone away from John. Basically, invite the world to your country, but don't let them, you know. He was hired by Qatar, wasn't he? The Qatar going right down the list. Every ex-footballer going, no thanks. What about Ian Rush? No, he's got half a brain.

What about John Barnes? Yeah, yeah, I'd take the money yeah fucking hell oh dear do you think John Barnes is Scandinavian he's got a bit of a mental voice though

John Barnes hasn't he he's got a bit of a mental head he's just a fucking head to ball he ate the cunt got that off didn't he didn't he have some like

like really rough porn on in the background or something and he was doing an interview on the telly and there was like a

I don't know something something in his in the background was like I don't know I think he's probably mind camp

he was on Sky Sports and then his door flew open there was seven men bumming seven women, on his land. Seven men for seven women. That's nice, isn't it?

Have a partridge in the pear tree. Merry Christmas. All dwarves. And he was like, oh, ignore that. Hi-ho. What were you celebrating, Adam? I just,

I feel good at the minute. Right. Why? Life's okay No problems Any news? What? Any news?

Yeah What is it? Got some good news? There's be good news Surely you're celebrating Oh I found out my mum's not dead Oh my god

That is totally But I'm new information Oh Thank fuck you know now because i've been banging her for ages was she with tupac what was she with tupac tupac's back as well he's not dead either but the main news is that he's my stepdad and your mom's not dead oh and we're all going to where have you been where have you been what where have you been I needed some time off

with Tupac you were doing my head in do you know who else did that Dirty Den in EastEnders and then when he came back they killed him and buried him under the Queen Vic

or did they we'll never know he'll come back again he can just keep regenerating Dirty Den is like the Doctor Who of EastEnders I've always said that Finn can you get me a Sudafed and I'm not even joking they've already said that. Finn, can you get me a Sudafed?

And I'm not even joking. They're near the microwave. Mike, can we have Sudafeds then? Take the potency away. I'm a bit worried about Christmas presents for you lot.

I'm not feeling it. I haven't thought about it yet. I know, but it's time to think, innit? Because we're going to do all Christmas do in like three weeks.

If you let us down again. Are you a fan of Lyndon McCartney sausages no are you not no I am now that's my new Tuesday meal the fucking boss

they might be they're better than 20% of sausages rosemary and thingy one caramelised onion they're the nice ones with 660 pound peppercorn sauce

lovely I used to wear when I was dieting I used to eat them because in like two of those sausages Rosemary and thingy one. Caramelised onion there. With 660 pound peppercorn sauce. Lovely. I used to, when I was dieting, I used to eat them. Because in like two of those sausages, there's like 80 calories. So I'd just have a pack of eight sausages for me too. So unhealthy.

I used to have 14 apples. I mean, you know, healthy, aren't we? We sold the arena out, didn't we? What? We sold the arena out didn't we what we've sold the arena out have we yes that's what you're celebrating yeah we can talk about it but like they'll all already know because this doesn't go out till monday no but i know but we'll all be all over our social media by then we've sold

the arena out isn't that good it's been a spite the problem is the problem is it's been a problem is it's been a very weird selling out model in it where we sold five and a half thousand tickets in eight days and then approximately 62 tickets a week since then so it's been one of the more frustrating sellouts i've ever been involved in where you're like we are going to sell 42 000 tickets oh no we're not it's going to be a trickle but we've sold it out sold it out I feel like we're going to be doing Anfield in three years cool looking forward to that

all the Rovers return from before from Corrie with your not dead mum headlining there she is imagine that as a reveal at the arena show Mine and Dan's mum

Have never been there We've been joking about it Since day one I'm not sure people Get it Are you excited Dan? We've sold an arena out Yeah I'm excited yeah

People keep joining My sister was like Right are you getting hyped? Are you nervous? I'm like nope Feels very Yeah feels normal feel very very normal also i've never seen us prepare for anything like we've prepared

like my thing with the live shows is always like because we turn up here and just go ah let's see what happens we'll just chat shit and it works we've done that with some of the live shows and it makes me it gives me twitchy bum there's absolutely no way we're not going to Smithies on the day next week we are someone's got to get a horse head oh yeah there'll be a bit of a hypo

but I know the amount of preparation we've done for the arena and it makes me very happy yeah I can't wait for them to see it it's so stupid I can't wait to book

the musician for the after party that's going to be good I'm going to do that today who are you thinking? Bewitched they're on tour with Blue I'm thinking maybe

what's the fella I know that because you tried to book what's the fella who who sings Hallelujah the original one, Jeff? Jesus. Jeff Buckley.

He's been dead 35 years, but. Jeff Jesus. Get a hologram. Yeah. Hologram, like ABBA. Oh, I get Tupac. Jeff Buckley, Tupac. Jeff Buckley, Tupac and Anro all coming out.

Fucking hell. Imagine if it were me. What a Christmas special. Paul McCartney's a local lad. I reckon he'd do it, you know. Didn't we try and speak to him once? Yeah. Tried to get him to promote.

My old agent knows his cousin and in my head, that was a guaranteed in to get Paul McCartney on the couch. Can you imagine how shit that episode would be? Can you imagine how bad the episode would be if we'd have got Paul McCartney on? I don't think it'd be bad.

I don't think it'd be bad. No, I don't think it'd be good, sorry. I think it would be painful. He'd just be sat there going, oh, back in the 60s, we were the biggest thing on the planet. We were bigger than Jesus. That's what John said before he died.

God bless him. Of course, I died first. I'm not Paul McCartney I'm that other cunt and that's what Paul McCartney would say that's how he breaks the news if you look in our

old album covers there's plenty of clues for example in one of them I haven't got any shoes on in the next one it actually says at the top

I am not Paul McCartney are they from the Wirral? I'm sure you're doing that. That's the Wirral voice. No, this is South Liverpool. It's by my house. I've got me boots and my coat on. I'm Paul McCartney.

I'm taking me cavapoo for a walk around the block. That's literally it. I'll go to Press Bros and get meself a... I noticed that was wool. Press Bros. There you go. I'll go and get meself an myself I noticed that was well Press Bros there you go and get myself an Americano

with a little bit of soya where does he live on a farm where on a farm like Buckinghamshire yeah

it's not round there he does all live in fucking Buckinghamshire don't he can't tell you the place to be one town is in Buckinghamshire

Wickham he lives on a farm somewhere I'm not sure is it Wiltshire he lives near Ormskirk does he yeah apparently? He lives near Ormskirk. Does he?

Yeah. Apparently he's always at Ormskirk Market on a Sunday. I'm not messing. He lives in Lancashire. Yeah, he goes to Carbooth every Sunday. Remembering Home Star? Ormskirk! Get another fucking reference!

No way! There's no way he goes to Carbooth sales. He does. That's how he made his money. in Ghost Star. Ormskirk getting another fucking reference out of nowhere. There's no way he goes to car boot sales. He does. That's how he made his money. After the money. Sussex. Yeah, that's what they want you to think.

Your phone fucking shut up, Dan. What the fuck's going on here? Have you got a Furby? Oh, look at this. Boo. Boo. Put your phone on silent new. Share the clip. It was my alarm to share the clip

There isn't a clip going out today Because the arena sold out And we're announcing that Has that gone out? No When we have a break We've got to do it We've got to make sure

It's all ready to go What are the Central African countries You know, Dan? Chad Chad Yeah Niger Niger Yeah Stop there the central african countries you know don chad chad yeah niger niger yeah yeah stop there chad's i don't know why chad always gets like always on countries on my mind central african

rwanda oh botswana nice nice the central african republic of congo rwanda that's a good one echo Nice. Nice. The Central African Republic. Of Congo. Rwanda. That's a good one. Echo. Zambia. Oh, Zambia, that's a good one. Angola. Nah.

Sounds Spanish. What? Oh, yes. Guinea-Bissau. Burkina Faso. Burkina Faso. The South Sudan, which is its own country. And there's the Sudan Sudan Cockney fucking cunts

Any other questions? Do we have a break? Do we have a break? Just read Is there a Route 66 of Africa? We're just reading African culture Paul McCartney A shit guest

Rwanda, twice. What's the code for Nigerians who's trying to rob your money on the internet? What? What's the code?

It's a scam, isn't it? What? It's a Nigerian scam. It is, yeah. It's got a number though. 419. There you go, 419's it's root 419 that was a joke i was going for it's coming to the number

fire down at that button immediately break break hi guys time to talk about my absolute favorite sponsor now it's manscape.com Santa baby, it must be a holiday miracle because the sponsors of today's show, Manscaped, are providing the tools your man needs to stuff all your stockings, if you know what I mean. Mama like that. Cock and pussy. That's right. This holiday season, Manscaped

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It's a really good Christmas present. If you're looking to buy someone a nice gift set, think outside the box and get them a box of Manscaped. I'll tell you who would really like to have no pubes. It's Peter to have one. I to have no pubes it's peter to have work i've got no pubes of course are you doing there i'm ticking you under there peter you're so smooth do you shave your balls with manscaped no your wife does wow tell you what peter's snappy manscaped's best-selling product is the performance package 4.0 which is at the top of every man's wish list

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for 20% off and worldwide shipping. Peter, have you actually got bollocks? Yes, I've got two bollocks on my chin. Nice. Merry Christmas. It's really warm in here. You've got a jacket on. It looks very warm, that jacket, though.

You look like a docker. I feel like a truck driver from Alabama. Is that what you're wearing? An Alabama truck driver. Have you just got a rough idea of what that looks like? You look at me. Yeah? Oh, shit, yeah.

Birmingham. Alabama. Speed round. Yay! Lee Shaw says, Hi, Lids. On some video games, when you complete a game or die, you have a list of stats of your performance,

kills or deaths, et cetera. If, when you die, a game over screen appears, what would you want them to be? If you could have your stats show. If you could view any stats from your life, which five stats would you choose? Could be anything, total number of shits, missed opportunities for sex,

number of people you've threatened to murder whilst driving etc that's from Lee Shaw I think my most impressive numbers would be most number of shits

is definitely up there I reckon I might be in the top one percentile of the poos per day poo per day? the pee pee day if you die now

you're a young man I reckon you're gonna get out pooed no he means as a ratio oh okay alright average per day

yeah alright nice you're not you're not not clocking totals I still reckon totals wise I'm up there like a 90 year old man Adam's out pooing

I do reckon I out poo most 90 year olds oh you'll catch them up in the last few years when they get all constipated yeah yeah um wank Stan you're just wank sure I'd like to year olds oh you'll catch them up in the last few years when they get all constipated yeah yeah um you're just one sure i'd like to yeah i think it'd be a pretty pretty impressive

over 10 000 um how many so it's 3 000 is 10 years 20 years 6 000 yeah i reckon i reckon we'd be somewhere between 8 and 10 thousand it's a miracle my dick is still on my body isn't it like if it just i wouldn't be surprised if one wank i just i just went oh shit it's come off pulled it off was it was it multiple times a day at your peak at my peak so what does it still ah he still wants them on and once of a night no no no that's just that's maybe once a week, twice a week. But nearly every week. But like, what was your peak stat?

Like four times a day? Yeah, but there's diminishing returns, isn't it? When you're on your fourth wank. You're just like, you're doing it. Still now, if I'm hungover, I can hit four, five, six. Six? And you jizz every time. Yeah.

You must be so dehydrated that day what do you what do you think happens on the six it still happens something happens it's like a fucking water gun

it's just a little cock in it by the fifth wank it just makes a little it does a little song no but I mean you're only dehydrated because you're hungover and you're also just

expelling jizz six times you're much like a fucking prawn I'd love to know my actual bonk bonk number i don't i lost yeah i'd like to know my number i'd also like to know how many people have admired me in what sense so what what just had any sort of admiration for me at any time what sexual or just just anyone who's ever gone he's good him yeah what a weird stat 27,000

he's good him what do you judge that against I've no idea it's more than that though isn't it like I've got a special on YouTube that's got like 300,000 views

that's probably 100,000 viewers probably because people probably watch it multiple times so you're looking 100,000 viewers and most of them

are going to like that that's 100,000 people who've admired me wow and that doesn't even go000 people who've admired me wow and that doesn't even go into people who haven't watched it I think you get a lot

of insight into Adam's I just want to know who thought you're good Adam as I'm even though I've never met you and I'm looking at you

through the internet you're good I think you're good what a strange thing the amount of married women who've lusted for my love really are you getting a lot of them it's in the dozens well that's the thing i don't know do i because they're married i do they keep messaging me no but like there's imagine how many there is that really like there's married women out there who if you could grant them any wish

it would be I get to fuck Adam Brown you're their hall pass you're their any wish or Dan Nightingale the amount of people who aren't messaging you

is insane like there's so many who are just like there's women out there who are getting fucked by their husbands right now

and they're thinking of you oh god Thursday lunchtime. Good for them. Do you forget about time difference? We've got listeners all over the world. There's Bulgarian women getting fucking pounded by time difference

thinking of me or you. I'd like to know how many pieces of fruit I bought and didn't eat. Because that's got to be in the millions. I buy a bunch of bananas every week and I haven't eaten a banana for fucking years. Get some strawberries there. You're in the pocket of big banana there, kid.

Yeah, the amount of fruit I've bought. Are you an aspirational shopper like that? You go, yeah, we'll get some fruit. You know, we'll have some fucking fruit bowls. Get a bowl. The next week, you're like, oh, throw that in the bin. It's just a rotting bowl of fruit. I don't do that with fruits.

I do it with clothes, though. I do aspirational clothes buying where I'm like that is way too tight but if i really work hard this time next year i could fit into that and i'll buy it yours should be how many pairs of jeans you've owned that's in the thousands i've owned a lot of jeans how many bin bags did you just get rid of of clothes when you did you clear 23 bin bags of clothes in my defense all bought within the last 18 months i'd love to know how many bags of cocaine i've bought that'd be interesting would you like to know like yeah weight i know yeah the how what i can't put uh because i'm not like crazy my stats will be like blown away by people with like really bad problems. But it's so fun.

I'd also like to know how many, like, I think you'd be scared. What am I, 41? If you saw all the cans of pop you'd ever drunk, just actually lined up, you'd be like, oh my God. Do you reckon you've done more than 100 kilos of cocaine? What?

No, no. I don't reckon he has, no. Because he's sat there alive. 100,000 grams of cocaine. What? No, no. I don't reckon he has, no. Cause you know, cause he's sat there alive. A hundred thousand grams of coke. I don't think I've done a kilo. You don't reckon you've done a kilo? Do a hundred kilos. Come on, let's get to it.

You've def done a kilo of coke. You've done a kilo. Come on. A thousand grams. No, no way. A thousand grams. Easy. No way. A thousand grams. Easy. I reckon you might have done that fish.

Yeah, 50. You've definitely done a kilo. Honestly, you'd be... What? You've done a kilo. Have you seen this? I think you'd be surprised. Have you seen this film that's coming out? Cocaine Bear?

It's a true story, yeah. Yeah, I saw the trailer. It looks like an idea that's got out of hand in the production meeting and they're like hang on scroll back to that it is inspired by the true story of an american black bear who ingested a duffel bag of cocaine in 1985 i went on a rampage someone was doing it someone basically threw cocaine out into the woods this this bear found the bag of coke after all and then i don't know is it is it a thriller or a comedy? Because the advert for it came on.

It's a survival horror comedy. Isn't it, Matt? You can watch a survival trailer. And this is Ray Liotta's last film. This is what he died for? Yeah. Right. I'll be honest, I do want to watch it.

Did he kill people? But I'm expecting it to be shit. Yeah, I think so. He was fucking bowling him. Hang on, hang on. This isn't a serious film, because that bear's got an hat on. It doesn't matter how much cocaine you get. Bears can't buy hats.

No, that's what cocaine does to bears. Those are bears on hats. And little monkeys as well. I'd watch Cocaine Bear. Yeah. would you watch Monkey in a Hat oh I always think it's so

when you go on holiday and they've got like a little like a monkey in a little suit you're like what I can't say that anymore

what do you mean how often's that happening when you see a monkey in a suit you get sad he's right when you go away there's like little animals

that are like being exploited but why does that make you sad? because they're being exploited you can exploit me all you like if you're just going to give me free suits so what? really? where's Adam Rowe? he's in Benidorm now there's a tailor

an aggressive tailor's got him on a chain and Adam Rowe's dancing for suits you don't even wear suits Is that Is that Oh I do wear suits On occasions

Yeah When he's in Benidorm On the beach With the fucking Chain round his neck That monkey doesn't know He's not meant to have a suit on This is the thing

We're exploiting animals That I don't really understand The argument of No he doesn't know Go on Talk me through how it's fine To have a little monkey In a suit

Dancing on Benidorm beach He doesn't know He's not meant to have a suit on I think he's got it on No monkey have a little monkey in a suit dancing on Benidorm Beach. He doesn't know he's not meant to have a suit on. I think he's got it on. No monkey. He's had a way with him and gone, by the way, John, we love your suits. John the monkey. John!

John the monkey. Why have you got a suit on? Also, John, your dad's a worm. Try harder. Your argument for animals being in suits being made to dance is that they don't know any better because they don't talk to other monkeys Exactly the monkey trainers He just thinks oh he just thinks he looks fucking smart and all of the monkeys

They're all in fucking trackies The wild monkeys are in trackies scouse monkeys And then, horses, right? Horses that race. People think that's cruel. It isn't. No, steeplechasing is.

What? Flat running isn't. Because they love running, don't they? Steeplechasing's the... Why is that a problem? Because they'll have to jump over, like, 50-foot walls with people on their backs.

So? It hurts. Yeah. As you know, you've never spoken on their backs. So? It hurts. Yeah. As you know, you've never spoken to an horse. I've spoken to an horse. The horse whisperer. Like,

lad. Does that hurt? But it's worth it, isn't it? Like, I do stuff that hurts me. When I go to the gym, like when I'm lifting weights,

it hurts. Yeah, but there's not someone on your back that doesn't make sure you do it, is there? There is, I've got a personal trainer maybe you've paid for them

yeah those horses get looked after and yet they're in a bit of pain but they get to become champions yeah but they don't know they're champions do they they fucking do

that's it they get a feeling something going on here everyone's cheering me name I must be a champion and I'm aware of what that concept is being a horse

yeah they're fine as long as they don't talk to wild horses lad you could just be roaming free fuck in a trackie

is there wild horses anywhere yeah where where are all the horses wild horses black eyed peas and now the

osmonds north america used to have wild horses isn't it where are they now i don't think

there's any interesting wild horses there is are there still wild oh watching finn type is so painful They were exterminated and domesticated

By our ancestors There are still millions of horses around But there's no wild ones left No such thing as wild horses So they didn't want it enough They've got some in Scotland and in Portugal Some feral herds There you go

Portuguese I mean if you're an horse Who's picking Scotland over Portugal Go to Portugal I like they get a choice Right Bobbo the horse You're about to go wild

Do you want to go Portugal or Scotland Fucking I'm not going abroad I'm staying down in Glasgow Glasgow as well Fucking knee baby Wild horse Wild horse. Wild horse.

Glasgow city centre. You've got to be really careful. On Buchanan Street, it's a fucking nightmare. Soccer Hall Street. Fuck off. What were we talking about? I can't remember what we were talking about.

Monkeys in suits. I know it was Adam saying it's not clear because you don't know any better. It isn't clear. It's awful. What are you talking about? We're doing our stats. Oh, we're doing our stats.

We're doing our stats. The amount of wild horses I've come across in my come across How many wild horses have you been mugged by On Socky Hall Street in Glasgow? Fuck I think there's a day from PETA You know the animal rights company The animal rights company That PLC

Limited So PETA Peter apparently bastards we'll get to that in a minute but anyway they were like whinging as they all want to do

about these monkeys who are trained to get coconuts out of trees for who for farmers the coconut farmers yeah

of Glasgow oh no I think it's Thailand Thailand genuinely like they train the monkeys to get the coconuts out of trees and Peter's like Thailand Genuinely Like they train the monkeys To get the coconuts Out the trees

And Peter's like This needs to stop They're basically working For free But the monkeys Don't know they're working They don't understand The concepts of work

They just know that They go up the tree To get the coconut And they get a bit of chocolate Off their owner Chocolate Come on I have a sucker for chocolate

Peter's trying to get The coconut monkeys On minimum wage They haven't even got dental Do you know what I think's mad? That some dogs have got a job Yeah, guide dogs Yeah

Police dogs Yeah I mean animals Guard dogs Animals But they've got jobs They didn't sign up for it No

That's forced labour Yeah Same as the monkey and the horses, isn't it? Alright, Peter. Just saying. Some dogs have got jobs and some people haven't.

It's mad, isn't it? People invented jobs, though. Are you saying there'd be less unemployment if blind people had unemployed people as their guide people? Yeah.

The communication would be easier. Be a guide person. Yeah, there'd be less training. Take me to the AS people. Yeah. The communication would be easier. Be a guide person. Yeah, they'd be less like training. Take me to the ASDA. All right. Do I have to wear the collar? Yes.

Stopping a human. Sniffing people at the airport. Come on here loads of crack on this guy 100 kilos oh no Jean-Paul Gaultier

something's off no but dogs have got jobs and they don't want the jobs right so give the jobs to humans yeah

nice just saying you'd be mad that unemployed dude running around fields Trying to chase sheep Come by There's a guy called Brian

Exactly The sheep dog Which wants to go home Making him fucking run after sheep Yeah but then you've got Unemployed dogs Yeah you've not thought about that Yeah

Yeah Dog doll Dog doll Shad It's a new cartoon It's the CBB's Dog doll Bob Dog doll. Shad. It's a new cartoon. It's the CBBs. Dog doll.

Bob doll. The Congo. That was special. What's next in the speed round then? Oh, yes. Shall we? Oh, we've got a question. speed round shall we oh we've got a question that's why

Ormskirk was in my head Liam Dickinson says there used to be an 80 year old man in Ormskirk who travelled everywhere

by roller skates he was eventually banned from the town for whizzing about too much is it Paul McCartney that's how he

died oh I've got me boots with me wheels on. Would you rather have permanent roller skates on your feet or travel exactly half of every journey you make via unicycle? Well, Liam, I hope you're enjoying the drugs. I've always had roller blades on or roller skates. They're two different things. Or travel halfway to every journey on a unicycle.

I'll go roller skates permanently thank you because i am going to nashville in april and i don't want to do half the journey on a unicycle what about in the shower though what about in the shower yeah it's going to be there's going to be a few bruises initially. Is it literally, so the plane, you'd have to do half of it on a unicycle. Can't you just do the unicycle on the plane? Yeah. All right, okay. For half a journey, you're riding up and down a plane on a unicycle. Take your seats.

Liam Dickinson says I can't. What's this? That's Nancy at a wedding That's a pretty good impression Of someone on a unicycle That's fucking Whoa Black Betty Do an impression

Going loco Down in Acapulco If you stay too long. It's a really good impression of someone on a unicycle. A ship called Dignity. A sailor of the west coast. Through villages and towns. I go on my holidays.

They'll be doing the rounds. They'll ask me, I'll save my money rounds they'll ask me I'll say I'll save my money they'll say is she pretty that's she cool

dude I really love that it's like when you've got a really really bad itchy arse that's not a

fucking party song is it what can I can I see your impression of someone on the unicycle?

That's a belly dancer. What a slag. Shaking your tits. I go roller skates permanently. And yeah, sounds awful. Shall we do some advice? Dance with me. I'm here to help.

Here to help.'m here to help I'll solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do If you do do do do You'll be fine If you don't You might do time Agony Adam

By the way next week at the arena I want you to sing Everyone's singing these Oh yeah they're all going to sing I want you to all sing different songs At the same time Have a good gig, Adam. No chance.

Enjoy yourself, Adam. Have a lovely time. We're all here to support you. Go on, Adam. Go on, Adam. We are very funny. I want everyone shouting out Coronation Street episodes. Like famous episodes.

Famous episodes. The tram crash. Dev Al-A'atan fingering Deidre in the arse. Same episode. There's been a tram crash. That's how I deal with my grief. Should we go and help the survivors?

Nah. Nah, Dev. Finger my arsehole. You want a unicycle, Deidre? No, I'm just trying to get right on that finger. Backing it up like that. Who's asking anyone if they're on a unicycle? Who's not sure if someone's on a unicycle behind the glory hole obstructed view

yeah shout out famous Connie Connie episode please don't just shout out your favourite Central African nations

and pronounce hey and pronounce them right Chad I've laughed so far oh god Adam Burn burnett says all right lids got engaged to my soon-to-be wife recently and have been struggling to choose my best man

my actual best mate is a girl i've known for years and i've always told her it would be her we've been on holidays countless times each of us have been through relationships and we're both aware nothing would ever happen with us i don't don't know how my soon-to-be wife would react with the idea of this. Should I go for what I'd like for my perfect wedding or should I choose one of the lads

for an easy life? Cheers, boys. All the best. That's from Adam Burnett. I think you're in love with this girl and you should leave your soon-to-be wife and give love a chance.

Yeah, fuck off love to give love a chance. The wrong love, though, innit? No, I've got... It would have happened by now, he's not. He's just mates with her, innit? You've got female mates. Yeah. Not ones, no.

No? Not really. Not ones that aren't like colleagues, like comedians. Yeah. What? We went to an all-boys school where we'd get girlfriends.

But just life, innit? No. Like colleagues, like... I've got female mates. Yeah. what we went to an all boys school where we would get girlfriends but just life innit no like colleagues I've got female mates yeah I don't know what you mean have they all started this work

like as in like no comics no that's why I've got female friends yeah but I want to fuck all of them oh yeah

that's the problem I've fucked all my female friends once obviously and you go that was rubbish that was rubbish you didn't even finger my arse up That's the problem. I fucked all my female friends once, obviously. And you go, ah, that was rubbish. That was rubbish. You didn't even finger my arse off. Give me the old Deirdre Rashid.

Or Bala. No, listen, mate. You could... I think you need to... I think you need to have a group of best men and then slide Barbara in you can't just have

a female best man why why didn't you have a female best man yeah one of four how would you have four best men I had three best men

and a best woman but Kate John basically asked to be my best man I think she just wanted to be like I've been a best man I had loads of groomsmen and best men if

you had loads of groomsmen and best men so you had more than one best man but still had groomsmen I had my three best mates from school two best mates Sean and Bondi

were my best men Matthew was my best man he did a speech. Kate John was the best woman. And then I had grooms, men and women. I just had all my favourite people as like,

part of my wedding party. You can do what you want. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. It only matters if your missus is like, who the fuck is this?

I would suggest that if you've got to this point, how is the person you're marrying not already mates with this girl? Yeah. Like if she is genuinely your best mate and you're marrying some, some lady,

they should be best mates by now. Otherwise it's always going to cause friction. Laura fucking loves all of my female friends. Of course she does. Cause they're all, she likes all my friends. As soon as there's a tension, cause you're like,

who's this? Like that's going to cause problems in it. Cause then you haven't integrated everyone into into each other's lives properly yeah what have you done wrong there mate i think he's that's why i'm sort of side with what adam said initially something feels a bit like detached about this sounds horrible fuck his wife yeah yeah she sounds like she's she sounds like. She sounds like she's not. She sounds like trouble. She sounds like she's going to. It sounds like she's cheating on him.

If I was going to say anything, yeah, I don't want to say it. That was literally every have a word or bit of advice for ages. Yeah, don't trust her. My girlfriend's recovering from the grief of losing both her parents. Yeah, did she kill them?

Dom Summers says, Wag wag lids, I need some advice here. So long story short, me and my missus of seven years have just moved out and bought our own place, which is great

until I find out, oh dear, until I find out she's been sending pictures and vids of herself getting off to a bloke who I thought was just a pal from work.

That's wild. What, a seven year old? She is... From work? Where's she work. That's wild. What does a seven-year-old... She is... From work? Where she works? That's illegal labour. She has expressed her sorrow for it and made it...

At least she's... Oh, sorry. And made it for its... Jesus Christ. He's moved out with his partner of seven years. They've got a house and he's found out she's been sending titty and arsehole videos

to people who she works with. Right, okay. Yeah. So, so again it's the woman cheating so she's expressed her sorrow and told me she stopped talking to him i know it's a bit sly this next bit but i went through her phone a few days ago and found out not only is she still chatting to him after she said she won't be but she sent more pictures As you would imagine I went off my head Shouting and shit We are still together But I just don't know

How to deal with it She's told me for definite She's stopped talking to him But I just don't know How to go about it all Need some advice Lids Much love Dom

Dom Come on mate Whatever you're doing Read your It's pushing her to behave Like this This is your fault Yeah What have you done To pushing her to behave like this this is your fault yeah

what have you done to make her want to look elsewhere Dom read your badly written email again not that middle bit because it's absolutely

inedible inedible inedible I'm gagging on it I can't no Dom just no

she gotta go she gotta go she gotta go fuck her right off do you know what no she fit though no what you should absolutely do here is stay in the relationship with this woman but then just do whatever you want and then you've got the comfort and safety of someone at home but you could live guilt-free and fuck whoever you like sounds like some i know wow that sounds absolutely bleak. You can control her. Oh, yeah, she sounds really controlled, doesn't she? She can live an apology for the rest of time

while you go out gallivanting. She's sending wanking vids to all the people at work, and she works at a garage. But I'm controlling her. He should send his cock to every female in her family yeah not a picture of it what a great way of getting on your dick off on the sex is your niece got a phone nice one no they're gonna be of legal age yeah um dom fuck her oh say something audible to her first as well.

She said she's not doing it anymore. She lied. She said it. She did. Maybe. She said that, didn't she, Finn? She did. Can we see the videos?

Ask her to grim, yeah. And while her tongue is up your arse, break up with her. While her tongue is up your arse. Do her shit. No. Finn! Poo on her face her face no don't poo on anyone what if she wants it what

don't give it to her she doesn't get it oh erm clench so you've got hold of her and a grip and break up with her

yeah just trying to leave her like you're a you're a bitch you do that oh I tell you what producer's desk you're coming in with some and break up with her. She's trying to leave. You're like, hey, bitch. You do that. Oh, I tell you what,

producer's desk, you're coming in with some really good of a shit on her. Fucking hell, lads. One more. Anonymous, please keep my name Anon as my friend listens to the pod. Hey, lids,

the other day I met up with my best... Oh, sorry. Slowly remove all of her possessions one by one from the house and then one day when she turns up have the locks changed and then tell her she's never lived there and she's lost her mind yes put cod liver oil tablets in an exhaust pipe and then over time it'll start to melt and create black smoke and she'll think there's a problem in her car that isn't it's the cod liver oil cool or poo on her um one more anonymous please keep

my name and on as my friend listens to the part hey lids the other day i met with my best friend's little sister oh jesus i was in the city and i had nothing else to do before you start calling at me anonce she's only a year younger than us it started off as an innocent drink but then one thing led to the another and we ended up sleeping together yes i'm feeling guilty but i've always fancied her and we get along really well so maybe it's not a bad thing the question is do i need to tell my best friend or is ignorance bliss in this situation thanks guys love the pod you need to tell them but you don't need his approval yeah you can show him yeah maybe don't tell him unless things are getting serious yeah i'd sit the i'd sit on this until you absolutely don't need to and then whenever it's getting serious invite him around to yours don't tell him he's coming

and just start fucking and have him walk in and just be like now you know now you know that's how you close the door yeah make it look door. Yeah, make it look like an accent. And then when he's like, why did you invite me round if you were doing this? Like, I never. And then the messages. Cast lights, everyone.

What do you mean? You live here. It's your house. And then just shag his sister there. Yeah. Would you just keep quiet, Finn? Would you just keep this on the down low? Yeah.

Until, if it if it was gonna be something serious then you tell people i think or wait until i remember i remember wait until you fall out yeah make love to your sister wait until you fall out and then one point when he's like you're the fucking garbage i've always just go smell your sister oh lord get on that there lad yeah or wait for Christmas

because you'll probably share it together and then go pass the splout there and get your tits out when he's like what you just say

get your tits out he'll be like oh we've been fucking for months car's gone insane I think we're all hungry just shh no no

get him round and shoot him in the head with a gun get a chicken katsu curry and he just eats it I think we're all hungry. Just shh. No, no. Get him round and shoot him in the head with a gun. Get a chicken katsu curry and he just eats it. Shit arm. So I hope you enjoyed that advice. I really, I think we helped you out a lot there.

Hey, the guy who's coming up next also sold his local arena. Cool. Jamie Webster yeah you're right just saying we've all got something in

common cool Jamie Webster coming up get on me hey guys time to talk about my

absolute favourite sponsor it's Stitch Fix Dan I'm well aware of what Stitch Fix is I don't know what you're going

to tell me during this because I already know everything yeah but you're always complaining about walking you're like oh I hate walking I like slytherin i tell you who else

likes slytherin it's peter the have a word snake hello do you buy your own clothes no i'm a i'm a reptile i actually shed my skin and i don't require clothes well that's great but if you were a human you could go to stitch fix.co.uk word. What you do is you set up a profile and Stitch Fix works like an online personal shopper. They know your size, the type of stuff you like, and they send you a load of stuff to your house, right? Clothes and that. And if you like them, you keep them.

If you don't, you send them back. If you keep all five items that they send you, you get 20% off. 20! Fucking hell, mate. I know. It's mad, isn't it? It's fantastic.

So if you are a human watching this and you're not a reptile, a snake, or some other form of animal who doesn't wear clothes, go to stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word and get 20% off when you keep all five items. That's stitchfix.co.uk forward slash word. Isn't that right, Peter? Yes.

Slytherin. Here we go. Episode 3,542 Yes. Slytherin. Here we go. Episode 3542. Jamie Webster's back. I'm all right to piss myself, though. Yeah. You got excited. It's the first time you've seen the new studio.

I knocked one of the... This is a fucked up studio, by the way. Amazing. I knocked one of the... You knocked the gonk over. I think he's called a gonk. Sorry, gonk. Is that what they call it?

Knocked a gonk over. Gonk, sure called a gonk. Sorry, gonk. Is that what they're called? Knocked a gonk over. A gonk, sure. In doing so to try and salvage it. That sort of happened. It's explained in picture form now, so we're over it. Yeah. Got another gonk here. Is it called a gonk?

It sounds like a bad word. Yeah. It sounds like a bad word for what? Like a slur. He uses gonk as like an insult. Yeah. But it's like... He's right. It's not a very good insult though, is it? He's right. It's called a gonk as like an insult and I'm like but it's like it's not a very good insult

though is it? He's right. He's called a gonk. Of course he's right he bought it. But if someone called me a gonk I'd be like

it's more alas on you that you just used that to your own good. That sounds racist. But I do know someone at the match who calls people like I think he gets

overexcited and you're fucking gonk and it's like alright lads. Does it sound like honky? gonky? yeah let's not go there is there any

is there any insults that are like local to Preston? someone said you were from Clitheroe or something like that that would sneakily be a fucking absolutely horrific

thing to say to someone when he's not playing well that's why I know you're from a small town and if you're

offended when someone goes are you from Blackburn they're like who gives a fuck I don't know no it's just

general northern just general I know Liverpool has got a whole fucking book of them I'm sure but I can't think of any specific Preston ones

for example if someone stole something off you in school or like no if someone if someone ate your last chewy you've given him a pack of

three chewies so you're like he's going to three chewies because that's a chewy so you're like he's going to take one maybe two and there'll be one left later he's put all three in his mouth that's a war crime

yeah what would you have called him a fucking thieving cunt that's hot in year nine mega jaw he's got three chewies

in his mouth it's an L mate mate if you take the three chewies at the end of a pack of chewing gum you're a fucking

sex criminal sex criminal innit that is against the rules I don't know is there three in there because if there is there's two

there's two you're going to be a mate whoa is there a specific one for Liverpool for that yeah we call them what do we call them Jay

hang on what do you say should he get after us no that's if someone's a mince bag I call the door in

no I don't know you'd just call him a rat wouldn't you a rat or a big willy wally that's what we'd say in Liverpool

yeah a big willy wally and you'll you'll sound so cool. I love it how you guys teach me about Scouse culture so that I can look after myself on the mean streets of fucking Liverpool. It's jazzy, isn't it? Someone steps to me, I go, whoa. Treat me like a big willy-wally.

You fucking gong. It's be like, do you know who Taito is? What? Do you know who Taito is? I don't say so. It sounds like a... Have you. Have you ever worked with him? No. No?

No. Good chat, Jay. He sounds like a scouts wrestler. You don't know who Nice One Sai is? Nice One Sai? Yes, Sharon. There came a point where he was nearly working, not with me, but close to me.

Yeah. But it didn't come about. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. I mean, I've got nothing against the lad as a person. Do you know what I mean? Hang on, we need more.

Could you pull that mic towards you a little bit? Who are we talking about? We're talking about Antito Russell. The lad's name is Antito Russell. He was on X Factor twice. Three times, I think. Three times. Oh, yeah.

Twice as an adult, but he went on as a kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did we watch it? And he said, he said, my name's Taito, man, because when I was in little school,

I was dead tight with me sweets. And then he sang Fly Me to the Moon. And Simon Cowell said he was shite and he needed singing lessons. And he stares at him for four seconds and goes, Nice one, Si. Nice one, Si. And Sharon goes like, he's good. And she goes, yes, Sharon.

Yeah, there he is. Look, there he was. Yeah. I mean, look, I've got nothing against anyone from Bootle who's, you know, knocking around with Louis Tomlinson and trying to make something of themselves. I think it's quite an inspiring story. Didn't he get to the live shows the last time he died?

Yeah, he's got a voice and a half on him, lad. Make no mistake. But the problem is, for himself, he became a bit of a meme, didn't he? Do you know what I mean? In Liverpool, it's like once you become a meme. He was the original meme, wasn't he? Exactly.

He was probably the first meme ever. Because that was so... That went round every school? Exactly. He was probably the first meme ever because that was so, that went round every school in Liverpool. The Taito thing. Yeah. Nice one, Si. Nice one. Yeah, and I just think once...

Did you say it to your teacher? Oh, we're going to have a fucking half day today. Nice one, Si. But it was quite, it was a thing then, I think like, for the, like, you know,

for someone who's got such a great voice, it's probably that ethos of his character where everyone thinks it's a bit of a joke but yeah it's real it's real and like

I don't think it's fair me as well because he's a well better singer than me like well better his voice is like fucking boss

is that a crooner isn't it that kind of voice isn't it his voice is like yeah but if you go on them fucking game show TV shows, you always run the risk of, it's just not cool,

is it? Yeah, that's the thing. You're going to become a meme. He was on game shows as well. He went on Strike It Lucky. Do you think you've done well on Earth? He won.

I always added it like, I was always anti-game show for singers, do you know what I mean? People used to go, when I'd be playing in the pubs in Liverpool before, like, you know, before all this,

and people would go, you should go on X Factor. Like every Friday night I'd walk off the stage in the slaughterhouse and people would be like, you should go on X Factor, you. And I'd be like, nah, X Factor's a fucking corporate fucking, you know what I mean? And I'd just get lost in it. And like, you know, look, X Factor's fixed anyway. Do you know what I mean? These people who go on to X Factor half the time,

they've all got agents agents they've all got management they've all been tipped to go on these things same with Britain's Got Talent I've been approached for years so is that

every comedian gets asked every year via their management exactly do you know what I mean because to make a TV show as you know you need to put people on there

who actually have talent do you know what I mean so you need to find these people you can't just have open auditions in case a load of lunatics turn up but they also want to

chew someone up and spit them out that's the risk innit because the TV producers know what makes good telly someone having a fucking meltdown or going uber scouse as an 11 year old

makes for good telly doesn't it they're not just trying to lift everyone up that's why I don't trust those TV shows because you're like you could be the cunt

that gets made a fucking... Yeah, well, funny enough, I know a fella who went on, like, a producer. He produced my second album in that Welsh farm that we talked about on the last podcast.

And he went on this game, this, like, one of them shows in LA. James Corden was hosting it and he was, like, a judge on this wall of about 100 people so this lad gets up from kazakhstan or something like that or uzbekistan or one of them one of the stands

yeah yeah and like he sings in six different octaves in one song which like for anyone like basically uh that's an octave uh that's an octave. And he does six of them. Do you know what I mean? Like, all the way. Obviously, much better than that. But it was, no, even me, I'm sat there watching it. Like, yeah, I mean, the kid's obviously got a massive voice. But what he's singing, he's doing fuck all for me.

I'm not enjoying this. So it's actually a clip on YouTube. And there's 100 judges. And every other judge votes for him. But two of the judges turn the lights off. It's like 100 judges. Like take me out. It's like take me out but with talents and judges.

But there's 100, you know what I mean? Instead of 25 girls, there's 100 people on this wall in these little boots and they press the buttons on and off if they like the act. So James Corden goes to Dave, my producer, Dave Ellinger,

and it's like he's produced platinum records, do you know what I mean? Like, he's done everything with the Manic Street Preachers from the ground up. He's worked with Tom Jones. He's worked with Kylie. He's worked with fucking everyone. He knows what he's talking about, right? You know what I mean?

Yeah. So they're like, whoa, you're a producer. This kid's just sang this. Yeah, yeah. why have you turned your light off and Dave goes quite bravely and honestly

just because you can doesn't mean that you should right and I thought fair play but then I thought he was gonna and he was like

look no I'm not saying not away from his talent but you know the song yeah my favourite ones on the talent show is when he got shamed he got Game of ones on the talent shows, though, is when...

He got shamed. He got Game of Thrones on the telly. No, and James Corden just points at him and goes, shame, shame. Next thing, all the other judges, the whole fucking cast, the whole audience, are all shaming this fella. I thought he was, you know, trying to be honest

and trying to do part of his job. Yeah, because it sounds like a party trick more than a song, doesn't it? It's a gimmick. Yeah, do you know what I mean? And it was do part of this job. Yeah, because it sounds like a party trick more than a song, doesn't it? It's a gimmick. Yeah, do you know what I mean? And it was like a hundred judges. Yeah.

Fuck me, the dressing rooms of that show must be a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Imagine that. But that's television, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I, they're my favourite ones on, like Britain's Got Talent and stuff, as and when I watch it, is when someone has got an undeniable talent

that they can do absolutely fuck all with. They're just the best ones. When someone goes on and is like, I can juggle 18 things at once, it's like, go on then. And he does it, it's like, and what do you want us to do with this? You want to do your own travelling show?

Oh my God. Your life just peaked. Yeah, well, what makes me laugh about the Britain's Got Talent thing? Weren't they supposed to be performing for the Queen? Isn't that like the Royal Varieties? So what the fuck does the Queen want with the juggler? Do you know what I mean?

It's not Henry VIII days. We don't have jesters anymore. Do you know what I mean? Why does she want to see a juggler? Likewise, why would she want to see an Uzbekistani kid singing fucking six different octaves? When that diverse dance group won it, I had a good point. I'd love to see it.

Obviously, it's a son who's going to be involved. Charles loves Shuggler's Soda. He loves Shuggler's Soda. Because he's mesmerised because he can't do it. Imagine the dexterity. Oh, my God. Charles can't juggle one thing god Charles can't struggle One thing Charles can't use

A fucking phone The full on Fucking Frank Fates Is that the lad It's just like Horrible Sorry I've been Interrupting you

For about a minute And I It's all good So you TV wise Is there anything You would want to do Or are you

Because I feel like you have developed this fucking massive following selling out arenas without having to suck on that

corporate no yeah not only selling out arenas he's now selling out outsides yeah I'm selling out

I know you're going to have to make that sound better yeah he's doing my my nan's sound better yeah so he's doing my my nan's patio doing really well he's doing outside

he's doing outside do you know what I mean that's the next step from an event isn't it is outside no it's been great I think if I wanted to go on the telly

I'd love to go on shooting like I'm a celeb donate the money to charity and then terrorise everyone or Love Island get me on Love Island I'm not going gonna get a bird because

i mean i've got to get married in a year you know what i mean but put me on love island just to fuck shit up do you know what i mean just i would love to be there when you try and convince rachel that that's a good idea most fucking superficial fucking pretentious thing i've ever heard why have you just said that mate do you know what what I mean? And just delve into it and be like, well, what does that make you feel like? Does that make your cock grow? No. So why? Do you know what I mean?

Can we have Scouse Love Island? Don't just me. I'd just go on and fucking leather everyone. And I'd love it. You're at Bellend. You are also at Bellend. Do you know what I mean? You're not even that nice looking.

Do you know what I mean? It's just them fake tits and that fucking fake forehead which is probably and probably you look a bit like a slag so that's why you've

got on telly because they think you're going to shag do you know what I mean and I just do that and just terrorise them all I'd love to mate put me and Paddy

on there together what a slam that is hey girl you've had your forehead done yeah is that a new thing is that a new thing what was the tox oh it's fucking the old sorry some women are getting them extended what yeah You've had your forehead done. Is that a new thing? Is that a new thing? I'm so tux.

Oh, sorry. Some women are getting them extended. What? Yeah. Oh, it's my time to shine. Finally. Finally, I'm beautiful. Yeah, like, not in a nasty way, like, but these people...

Not in a nasty way? Not in a nasty way? You don't tell me because you look like a bit of a slag? Don't take that personally, love. It was very nasty. But it's true. Do you think that you don't tell me because you look like a bit of a slag don't take that personally love it was very nasty but it's true do you think that they don't tell you

because they're fucking unbelievable human beings and it's not it's like you fit the fucking bill you're probably gonna cry about ten times in ten weeks

and that's what that seems to be the ethos with Love Island just put girls on telly so they can cry about boys do you know what I mean

and it's like well that's someone's daughter that you know it's like well that's someone's daughter that you know in a nicer way that's someone's daughter that's someone's fucking sister that's someone I hope it's not someone's mum

but eh you know like with a big forehead yeah single parent love island do you know what I mean like have a bit more self respect for yourself

and for women in general divorcee love island don't go on this second love island second love island second love island you went to my school didn't you I've only just

reckoned out your name's Steve haven't you yeah exactly he's in a world of I know him you went to my school

Liverpool Liverpool's such a how are we Stephen we alright yeah 18 eh 18 eh podcast boys podcast

well it's mad because I was like last time I done it with Carl I was like hang on you're my mate's mate do you know what I mean

and like you've been in the same house that I've been in but we didn't know each other like you know what I mean he says how small the pool is

it is it is see this is further proof Stephen man oh Steve yeah alright it's my brother-in-law Jamie's been here for nearly an hour.

You started skinning like Nido, didn't you? You started short hair, didn't you? Yeah, you started skinning. Like me. Like me. That's why I didn't recognise you, lads. You know what I mean? Look how we've grown.

Yeah. Jamie looks at himself every morning. I mean, he's like, oh, no, that's me. I went to school with you. You were in my form, you. I really want to work on this second Love Island TV show. So it's for single parents. So they've all got kids and they're all either widows or widowers.

So they're not just divorced. Oh, no, not widows. It's people who've lost. But then they can all bond over their loss. Oh, no. They have to be widows or widowers. Yeah. But also, they have to have lost them or widowers yeah but also they have to have

lost them within the last six months oh my god and it has to be a violent crime fucking bad bastards I don't know what instigated that

murder island partners being murdered island there was that other one I mean they're not I don't think part of the criteria is you have to be a widower but there was that other one I mean I don't think

part of the criteria was you had to be a widower but there was like that weird can't you remember the one that they all went to a house

and like Wayne Lineker was on it did you see that he shouldn't be allowed he shouldn't be he shouldn't be allowed basically it was like they put celebrities

me and you would probably get on it they put like celebrities in this house with non-celebrities and they basically me and you would probably get on it you put like celebrities in this house with non-celebrities and they basically couple up celebs go dating

is Wayne Lineker like the shitty British version of fucking Epstein this is basically what you were describing Adam in that photo there what a knife that's basically the show that you just described, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? How did your man die?

You can't call Wayne Lineker the British Epstein, by the way. He's not as bad as Geoffrey Epstein. He's just a bit of a creepy noncey guy. Yeah, he's just a shag. Oh, no, yeah, that's the British Epstein, yeah. Well, he doesn't live in Britain anymore. He's permanently in Ibiza. What, he's on an island?

Oh, yeah, there's no... Oh, God, I see no parallels. I don't know what I was on about, guys. Have you ever seen Marry the First Sight? Me and Seneca blitzed it. Fuck, no. You meet someone for the first time at the altar and get married.

Oh no, that's just... And then the experiment is whether you can stay together at the end of it. And the answer is no. All of the time. No. The one we watched. No, me and my missus. missus yeah yeah two couples stayed together i watched like scientifically matched i

watched love on the spectrum for the first time last week oh geez have you seen it yeah is that like first dates but it's like the undateables yeah they call it love on the spectrum because the so everyone in it has a form of autism or Asperger's or whatever and it's in part of it it's really really moving

and lovely and in other times it's clearly just some TV production company have gone let's laugh at autistic people

see I don't like that that's just exploitation because I think every one of us has got a form of autism

every one of us in our own little way I personally think we're all on the spectrum, whether it's just, whether it's the government spectrum or not, you know what I mean? I just think we're all, I'm a weird.

And I agree with you. I think most people, if not all people are on the spectrum, but the people on this show, there's no debate about it. Do you know what I mean? But that's like, I just think that's like fucking proper callous dad in it.

You know what I mean? Like it's just like. You should be in in it you know what I mean like it's just like you should be in TV because you should I'd see like I'd look so you know what

it'd be a good TV program right put normal people in a room with these cunts of producers do you know what I mean and just say like

genuinely what is the what is the you know the thinking behind this show is it to laugh at young girls

do you know what I mean is it crying is it to laugh at people with? Is it to laugh at young girls? Do you know what I mean? Is it crying? Is it to laugh at people with autism? Is it to laugh at fucking, you know what I mean? Put them all together. Fat people.

Do you know what I mean? But like, do you know, like, I bet they're not so fucking perfect. Do you know what I mean? I think the thing with the undatables, with the undatables,

what they're trying, their defence of it is is it's raising awareness of people who are on the spectrum like and then obviously the detractors say you're basically

poking fun because it there are moments where yeah I've watched some of those episodes where you're like it's actually quite

heartwarming but then it does tilt over to the point where we are it's not quite heartwarming. Yeah, I get that. But then it does tilt over to the point where we are, it's noteworthy because it just looks, their behaviour is so extreme in places and they struggle with such basic things and it does teeter into the taking the piss.

Yeah, I guarantee people watch it and laugh at something that, you know, probably someone finds very hard to do. I laughed at one bit of it because it was me it wasn't you weren't laughing at the autism it was this guy tried to play it cool so he was heavily on the spectrum right and uh so he's doing his like two camera bit where like he's looking past the camera at the producer and he's like yeah so you know just want a woman who like likes the same tv shows as me and films. Like,

my favourite one is Toy Story 2. Love Toy Story 2 and that would be really amazing if I met someone who loves Toy Story 2 the same way I love Toy Story 2. And he says it about six times. And then he meets one girl and she's just like,

not for him. Not at all. The next one he goes, do you like movies? And she goes, yeah, my favourite film is Toy Story 2. And even this fella who's heavily

on the spectrum goes yeah i don't mind it because that's related like you could relate to that yourself she's trying to play a kill you know he didn't want to look like a proper Muffet and go oh my god in his head at that moment he's like you're my wife oh you're my wife now but eh imagine he went

nah nothing yeah yeah next or just part just get rid of it get rid of it what dating show

would you go on if you were single there are many There are many There are many dating shows Yeah there's Love is Blind Where you date through a wall You only meet at the end Is that the one where you gotta get your knob out?

Which one where you gotta get your knob out? No that's sexual attraction Naked attraction Naked attraction Yeah there is Yeah naked attraction Naked attraction No I'm not

Okay for Dan Okay yeah Okay yeah yeah Don't go on blind date and get your knob out. Or you could have picked number three. I could see you want to take me out, to be fair. What? Coming down in the lift.

I'm doing a unicycle. Dan, do us a favour. Do us a favour. Show us what you wore, how the lift would be. Right. You got a sock? 25 females who've got to press a button i'm gonna come out on a unicycle

jamie imagine i'm riding a unicycle right just look at that you think that's quite a good impression of me riding no it looks like an anti-dancing in a wedding. No, there was one point there, he came back and forwards, but then he changed it up and started going over here. It was like, yeah, unicycles are... I come out on a unicycle. Keep on turning. All you look like is one of your wheels on your chairs, bro. That's all it looks like.

Go on to your turn round and you say to the women, Hi. Say, Hi, I'm Dan and I'm from Preston. I'm 41 and I'm... Boo, boo, boo, boo. Boo, boo, boo, boo. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Shut up, you fucking gonks.

Boo. Last one. There's one left and it's it's Phineas you gotta win me over Phineas win me over Phineula yeah no you get one

you get one question at the end don't you so what would you what would your question be on take me out do you know that what what you get one question

I've never watched an episode in my life oh so there's 30 women right let the victim see the pedo. Or something like that.

He uses snappy lines, doesn't he? Yeah. They whittle it down to two women. So there's two with the lights left on, right? Right. And then you get to ask the girls a question. But they normally make it a bit flirty. So it'll be like,

girls, I'm quite the cook. If you were going to cook for me, well, you'd suck me off.'m quite the cook if you were gonna cook for me well you suck me off what would you cook and why cook as in oh cook

yeah oh right yeah and they've always got like a pre pre-planned like I'm quite the cook

could my mate Delroy absolutely smash it in front of me oh no oh you mean food food Delroy go on what question would you ask him if you've got a friend called Delroy me oh you mean food

go on what question would you ask me yes let's say i have uh can you mean i don't have a prepared answer what question would you ask us um my name is uh carlina my name is italian stephanie stephanie Italian Stephanie Egg Stephanie I hear when you do You hear when my name's

Got a fanny in it Yeah Steve Fanny Steve's fanny What are you up to babe And I'll boo Erm I like

Erm It's got to be a question What It's got to be a question Yeah I'm just setting it up I like Er Watching Poirot

With Finn's mum What What TV shows Could we watch together What's your name Carlina We'll watch Coronation Street together

Right Boop Boop You're fucking on I'll Ken your Barlow any day Oh nice I'll Deidre your Rashid Stephanie You're already winning this I'll Ken your Barlow any day. Oh, nice. I'll Deidre your Rashid.

Stephanie, you're already winning this. What? Because Carlina's... You've got bigger tits. Oh, right, okay, fine. My favourite show is The Inbetweeners, and if you're lucky, your cock might go in between my arse cheeks. Oh, shit. I'm going for Stephanie.

You're lost, you big fat bald swat. I'm going for Stephanie you're all lost you big fat bald swat I'd still rather rather watch Poirot with Finn's mum she's never caught me

a fat bald swat Jamie Webster Stephanie Jamie Webster Stephanie talk us through what the arena was like because we're doing it this week it goes out on

this goes out on Monday on Friday the 9th sold out arena you've just done it yourself what are we in for what was that like as a hometown

so for me obviously like walking out is like, you can't prepare for it. You just can't. Do you know what I mean? I thought I tried to prepare for it loads.

I was like, you know, visualising myself in my house, walking into my living room, pretending it was the stage and being like, and that just didn't work.

Do you know what I mean? I just walked out and went. Can I ask you the question? Had you played that arena in any capacity before? Like opening for anyone else no no no

you had a support act on the night yeah I had two yeah right yeah but like obviously you don't you just

I'd sound checked on there and obviously it's an empty room there was a few few kids there you know involved with charities who come down

to watch the sound check and stuff like that which is nice but just walking out and all you see is lights you know because people's phones and it's like what you see on someone's instagram do you know when like you

know what i mean you're just like and it was like fuck whoa do you know what i mean i didn't really know for what i think i said on stage for once in my life i'm fucking speechless do you know what i mean and i just remember doing that loads and to be honest me adrenaline like it's just a roller coaster anyway when you're on this but don't remember too much I've listened back to the set and my voice sounds

shaky as anything because I'm like you know even in the singing and that it's just wobbly at the start and that but no like it's just when you get

you know it's when you get your reactions you finish your song and you go fucking crowd scream that hits you and you just go whoa fucking this is bigger and louder and did that settle you itch yeah and you just go what fucking this

is bigger and louder and did that settle you down yeah well i like i ride my nerves anyway on stage so as soon as i walk onto the stage i'm like pumped anyway like as if i'm going for a fight don't tell myself i'm going for a fight it's just the way that my nerves ride me you know what i mean so i'm fucking like that and i it's like i walk on like the fucking tin man because i'm all possessed and i just scream at the crowd as soon like away from the mic do you know what i mean fucking like that and I it's like I walk on like the fucking tin man because I'm all possessed and I just scream at the crowd as soon like away from the mic

do you know what I mean just like address the crowd straight away and scream and if they fucking if they go like give me something back then my nerves are settled

then do you know what I mean it's only if they all go do you know what I mean and you're like that'd be a mad reaction the arena you scream at them and they all just go

no but like I've done it once I've done it in the Cavern Club once I've done like a corporate gig which wasn't a corporate gig

it was for like Berghaus and Scotch do you know what I mean but it was like competition winners and people who'd not necessarily my competition

it was like clothing competitions and shit like that you know what I mean so it wasn't really my crowd and like I've got myself

all pumped backstage and that and I've walked out onto the stage where I fucking can't wait you know what I mean and the front row

were just like do you know what I mean it was quiet yeah yeah I can imagine that and me like me nerves

were there for like another five songs then do you know what I mean until it felt like I broke the back yeah if our first joke doesn't land

then we're fucked do you know what I mean you take a while I have thought about like people are going to have the lights on as we walk out so I have been preparing

for that so I've got a load of fairy lights in my cupboard nice and I just keep shutting the cupboard so I just shut the cupboard

behind me and turn the fairy lights on and like because they just look like phone lights in the distance do you know what I mean just get a set of just in front of

the Christmas tree what fuck you one thing I mean just get outside and start practising just in front of the Christmas tree what fuck you one thing I'd say is just like probably my biggest regret from it is that I didn't

take the time on the stage to enjoy and appreciate and take in what was happening as much as I would there was a couple of moments where I was stuck back and I was like

well this is fucking special do you know what I mean but I would have liked to have like obviously but it's hard because you're always your own worst critic and you're always to have like obviously but it's hard because you're always your own worst critic and you're always one

yeah yeah yeah but it's all on you though isn't it you're yeah exactly like at least with us we've got parts where I've got a band behind me

lads do you know what I mean so it's it's not one that I haven't done before do you know I've done it night after night this is just a bigger venue but it's just like I felt like

because I'd put so much hype and like pressure and expectation on the night i like in the up to like you know the first it went pete tongue actually at the end not through any fault of my own i had to cut songs off my set i had arguments with the police while i was on stage and that happened years it was a fucking nightmare it was so apparently like something happened there was congestion at one of the bars

and people had phoned up from inside the arena phoned the police and said look it's not safe by this bar here. Do you know what I mean? Because apparently

what had happened which hasn't been documented by anywhere is that the e-bars went down the internet went down on the e-bars and everyone was forced

on the stand to this one bar which was by the only entrance open for standing so people were stuck outside trying to get in and people couldn't get through the bar thing and everyone was forced on the stand-in to this one bar, which was by the only entrance open for stand-in, so people were stuck outside trying to get in, and people couldn't get through the bar thing, and it was a bit of a kerfuffle around half nine or something like that.

Basically, it took the police and the arena an hour to decide at half ten that the show had to be cut, right? Even though all the bars were now shut at this point, which made no fucking sense to me so I'm stood on stage and I've got like someone in here from the venue

saying look you need to walk off stage now and then you just come on and do your encore and I well I'd done it anyway but I had plans

to like play Ferry Across the Mersey you know after Weekends in Paradise the last song and sing it with the crowd off the mic just like

you know just have a moment and they were like last song, and sing it with the crowd, off the mic, just like, you know, just have a moment, and they were like, you can't do that, and I had insomnia by faithless after it, so I have a proper fucking dance with everyone, do you know what I mean?

Like, just watch everyone go nuts, and they were like, you can't do that, you can't do that, you just gotta come off now, cut the next four songs out, you're set, and just do your encore,

and I was just like, nah, I'm not doing it, I'm not coming off stage. I've worked all my life for just like nah I'm not doing it I'm not coming off stage I've worked all my life for this moment I'm not doing it and then like

I just said look the police want me off stage yeah you're not to come and arrest me if you're out there fella

sort of thing I'm not moving this is too I ain't fucking leaving it's too big a moment for me to just walk off because if I would have walked off stage there and flipped I would have just wouldn't have been able to carry on with the rest of the show Do you know what I mean It was too big a moment For me to just walk off Because if I would have Walked off stage there

And flipped I would have just Wouldn't have been able To carry on with the rest Of the show Do you know what I mean So like I was like nah fuck it

We're cracking on Said to the band Ignore anything That comes through your ears You're on me Do you know what I mean Like this is what If I say we need to go off

We go off Do you know what I mean If we don't You stay with me Fuck all this So it fucked up a bit Of like the timing On the clicking On a certain song So we got to go off we go off do you know what i mean if we don't stay with me fuck all this so it fucked up a bit of like the timing on the clicking ideas on a certain song so we got to reset that back to the start played this song fucking jack's cousin danny he's been my mate since we were 11 he was quite visibly like he was still telling me to get off stage and i had

the moment where because we went to school together and that and like we've been mates since we were 11 and danny's probably the best guitarist in the city and em play your fucking guitar Danny lad is that him yeah that's Jack's cousin and em

so like I'd said like for us as cause like the other lads I've met since I've been in the music game but Danny was me mate you know what I mean

like through school and that sort of thought for us we're gonna have this moment and you play blackbird on on on the acoustic just me and you are singing because mccartney was the last scouser to sell it sell it out you know what i mean we'll do a tribute to him because we both fucking love mccartney we'd had it planned and then like they were like no blackbird no and like after the next song

they were still saying no blackbird and i was like we're playing blackbird i was like fuck it was like danny play blackbird and it was like that fucking hell but didn't ruin the moment he's a fucking honestly he's amazing on the guitar and he just smashed it and that moment like sort of calmed me down a bit you know what i mean yeah and then it was like we'd done the blackbird and then it was like look my manager who's like he's in my corner all the time so is everyone who works for me you know me and with me but my manager got on the thing in some years because I have in-ear monitors on stage. So he's talking into this mic off stage

and he's like, look, if you don't pull, he was like, the police want two songs pulled from the set. He's like, if you don't pull,

we get by and going out now, they're going to turn the PA off in the middle of your encore, in your last, in your big songs, which was This Place and Weekend in Paradise. So it was either cut them to big finale songs or cut We Get By and Going Out. And this was all having to be made while I was on stage with the fucking crowd in front of me, do you know what I mean?

It was fucking horrific, to be honest. And to be fair to myself and to toot my own horn a little bit, I handled it like a fucking pro but despite despite calling shouting pig cunts into the audience i handled it like a model professional and so basically it was like and brooke who sings sings This Must Be The Place With Me, obviously she'd come all the way from Edinburgh, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. To sing this song with me.

And she stood side stage ready to go. So it was a case of like, I'm not pulling that either because, you know, it's a big moment for her and me and I love playing that fucking song. It's my favourite song ever. Do you know what I mean? So it was like, I'm not pulling that either. It's gone out of where we get by and going out, so I pulled them. So it was like, that was the bit where I got to, that's the bit where I got a bit carried away, you know what I mean? So it was like, I'm not pulling that either. It's going to have to be we get by and going out so I pulled them. So I was like,

that was the bit where I got to, that's the bit where I got a bit carried away, you know, it's like, yeah, I'm going to have to, I am going to have to

pull a few songs because the police have said that they're going to turn it off. So, I hope you sleep well tonight, you big cunts. Here's Brooke. Do you know what I mean?

And now I introduce Brooke on the stage as I always do like give her a big thing she's fucking amazing she's brilliant she's like literally the best singer I have ever worked with

like I've ever sang in the same room as do you know what I mean her voice is like fucking incredible and her songs are boss and she's just like she's like 22

23 couple of years she'll be fucking Glaswegian but very much part of the Scouse music scene no not Glaswegian she's from Edinburgh isn't she Edinburgh she's from 22, 23 couple of years she'll be fucking Glaswegian but very much part of the Scouse music scene no not Glaswegian she's from Edinburgh isn't she Edinburgh

she's from Dalkeith so that's like a miners town just outside Edinburgh yeah yeah but yeah no she's fucking amazing and like yeah but she has bass there isn't she

management of bass there and she's got she's got friends here I'm not going to talk about her personal life or nothing like that you know what I mean but she's got friends here she's fucking hell

when I'm on tour and she's down here and she stays in my house with Rachel and the dog she's a mate she's a proper mate of mine do you know what I mean

and a mate of my girlfriends and a mate of like the people who I work with and mix with and like she's a lovely girl and she honestly like if anyone hasn't

checked her out check out Brooke Combe on Spotify because she's fucking she's got the voice of an angel and she's fucking can't half write a tune as well do you know what I mean cool as fuck but so obviously we done that

and then when we got off I was still livid despite Weekends in Paradise and this place being like triumphant and fucking almost orgasmic to look at now since do you know what I mean and even at the time you know what I mean I'm there but like just because of

you can imagine yourself you plan a show you fucking you promote a show you fucking have all these ideas for it and then all of a sudden like on the night in the moment someone tries to take

or does take a bit of it away from you and it was fucking like I literally like I had to walk off stage stay away from everyone for 20 minutes stood in the car park

like when I got it I had like friends and family come back after the show to see me in like this like just as a room there

don't know if you do it's like it's about 140 people and you know for like after show if you've got any guests or whatever it's nice for me family

and that to be there and like I literally walked back through that corridor all me family and friends there didn't make eye contact with anyone

just walked straight into the shower stood there for a bar like you know what I mean a good like I didn't do anything in the shower before anyone says

anything to me you know and just like then seeing my family seeing my friends seeing like whoever was there

it was a bit of a whirlwind but for days after I was proper proper wound up it's only now like not now like since the peer ed sale

that fucking day that we sold out the friday periods in 90 minutes that made me feel happy and then i was like well maybe i can look back at some videos now to the arena and i've started looking back and since then i've been like yeah you know yeah that was fucking amazing like i'm so happy i got to do that but that's why i was saying with the regret side of it i do wish that even before that moment where they come into me here about the police and that I wish I would have

like took it in a bit more and been like wow this is specialist like look how far I've come sort of thing you got the period

coming up in June the 30th and the 29th is that right the 30th sold out in an hour and a half which is 12,000 people and then the Thursday

is well on its way as well yeah there was a I think there was a bit of a fuck up was a i think it was a bit of a fuck-up they're not a fuck-up i think a lot of people bought tickets for the kids you know for the friday yeah and then we looked into the terms and conditions it was like oh it's 18 and over so what i mean a massive favor anyway nice one for not reading the small print but now seriously

like everyone's been asking like should stop what nine o'clock it went on sale, 10.35, my phone was just like, lad, I've missed out, lad, I've missed out, any Friday tickets, any Friday... I'm like, don't worry, there's a Thursday date coming on. I'm like, I'm in work, Friday, though. Have you got six months to book it off, you soft cunts? Fucking book it off! Oh, mate, you know yourselves,

you probably get it now Inundated Now that you put The sold out thing As soon as it gets sold out That's funny enough When your phone starts Going on Are you mate

How sold out is this Yeah Are we talking like For me For me Come on We were in one lesson Together in year 8

Come on You know That's part of it and it's part of the reason you know there's two ways to look at it you can look at it

and go fucking leave me alone or you can look at it and go I must be doing something right now do you know what I mean I tell you what

I hope the police don't get involved in the Have A Word live show at the arena because I I can't imagine how that's going to go I think you

handled it pretty professionally just calling them pig cunts I would love to see comedians I'd love it how that's going to go. I think you handled it pretty professionally. I would love to see comedians take pictures of the police on the street. I'd love it if someone's at the side going, Adam, Adam, the police say stop the podcast. Okay, cool. We'll let you do one more joke. Maybe two more jokes.

Lads, I couldn't believe it. You know what I mean? I hope it does happen. Yeah. I just I just I hope the police get involved

with our podcast arena show right I hope there's a reason for it it'd probably be to do with the fire explicitly said there's no flares to be fair

oh yeah that's another thing so we when we booked the arena and I asked our promoter whether we could encourage the audience to bring flares with them. And they said that's absolutely not allowed.

So I just want to reiterate, anyone who's coming to the arena show, don't bring orange flares. Orange or blue. No, our two colours don't. Like a dark blue. I need to be really clear about this. We can't have flares in the arena. We'll post the RGB code to both the colours so you make sure you don't... Like a dark blue. I need to be really clear about this. We can't have flares in the arena. We'll post the RGB code to both the colours

so you make sure you don't bring them. Well, I got told by the arena on the day. Someone at the arena come up and was like, will you post people not to bring flares? And I was like, well, do you want people to bring flares they were like no and I was like well I'm probably not going

to post it then I'm going to tell the scouts to do something not bring flares don't go to flares on us if you just want flares what you should be doing

right now is bang on you know what I mean superb we need to be really clear here for legal reasons we do not want anyone to bring flares to the Avenger show.

It's going to look like Galatasaray, Fenerbahce. No banners, no flags. All you need is Graeme Souness. No Graeme Souness. We booked it. No flares, no banners, no flags. No flares. No.

Don't come. We will be disappointed. They will stop the show. The show will be stopped. The photographs Jack will be taking with those flares on. You won't even be able to see the place. It'll look so cool. Don't do that.

It'll be really bad for everyone involved. It's going to be a 22-minute show. So 15 minutes of us opening the show, seven minutes of the police going they've got flares and no you're not listening

no flares don't bring flares no flares don't just ignore the pig cunts and also

like you're not going to get in with a flare if you put it in your pocket or something they'll catch it so don't put it somewhere they can't find it

up your arse like in your arse don't Deidre Rashid yourself find it. Up your arse. Like in your arse. Don't Deidre Rashid yourself with a flare. Yeah. Finn, do us a favour, just find a website that do flares

on next day delivery and let's just make sure people know where not to go to get them up there. Is that fucking thingy shop still there? The one by the Met Quarter further along

used to be like a military shop. Oh yeah, don't go to the flare shop by the mecca what was that called um it was called flares for the have a word live show don't go there we don't want them yeah oh blacks no no no no not blacks that's like outdoor shop not a military shop the military's outdoors aren't they? Not all the time. Where do you hear players? W.A. Smith.

That's the Navy, I suppose, but part of the military, I suppose. But no, it was a military... What was it called? Was it called... No, military's another outdoor shop. Military. Military. Military.

But no, it was there. By the way, you corrected Dan then for something you said. No, Dan. Jamie's going to remember this shop on my old Twitter, just so you know not to go to this shop as well. Yeah, well, so far, all they're going to come in is waterproofs. Where is it now? Military encampment.

Don't, but seriously, don't bring flares. No, that's China. Yeah, we're being really serious. Don't. No, but under any circumstances. I think it might shut down. No, I haven't seen it. You know where it is? It's where the German Donner is now. No, I haven't seen it. Do you know where it is?

It's where the German Donner is now. Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah. It's not there no more. Don't bring German Donner either. She's not welcome. Oh, why not? Fucking hell, mate.

She's fucking gorgeous. They're dirty. No, but someone did actually bring, someone did set off a couple of smoke bombs in the show. Do you know what I mean? And did your show carry on? Yeah. Interesting. It was after the point. So go down Millets or go down Blacks. in the show do you know what I mean and did your show carry on yeah interesting

it was after the point so go down Millets or go down Blacks it was after they told me to stop and then I'd said no but then I did actually cut a couple of songs

it was Jordan the supposed encore that I didn't get to do as I stayed on stage to be honest but so if you do accidentally bring any flares

do it at the end keep them for our encore do it at the end do it at the end and then what's gonna happen you're gonna get kicked out it's over anyway don't bring flares don't bring flares do it at the end keep them for our encore do it at the end do it at the end and then what's gonna happen you're gonna get kicked out it's over anyway don't bring flares

don't bring flares it's unsafe listen to Jamie he's done it it's unsafe and it looks cool as fuck and it burns yeah

and it burns it can burn your hands as well if you don't wear gloves exactly wear gloves if you're gonna bring them only gloves make sure your dad

lights the flare stand well back yeah there you go So SJM We told them Right We told them

Oh do you do SJM Your promoters Yeah Oh I work with them On some shows as well Fucking Sam There you go Take note then

No they are really good Yeah They didn't do that show No No No but seriously Don't bring flares SJM are the fucking bollocks mate

They're the fucking boss Whatever you do If you do bring flares No but don't You won't bring flares. SJM are the fucking bollocks, mate. They're fucking boss. Whatever you do, if you do bring flares, you won't be allowed in if you caught one. So if you are going to accidentally bring one, make sure you hide it. No flares. Unless the flare pants. It's also, you can bring flares.

Yeah. Or, like, have a decoy flare. So when they find that one, they think they've found all your flares. Have a decoy flare. So when they find that one, they think they found all your flares. I have a decoy like bag of grenades. They've been well more interested in that. And then you go, oh no. I had a flare up my ass for the fan park

and Paris that you were singing on. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. And then I didn't use it. I gave it to someone else in exchange for his position in the bar queue. He was in the queue for the bar and I was like the fucking size of this. And I had my flare in my hand and he went, bar queue. He was in the queue for the bar and I was like, the fucking size of this. And I had my flare in my hand and he went,

you can have my space in the queue if I can have that flare. And I went, yeah. And I just pulled it out my ass. It had been in your ass. What? Not actually in the crevice. Oh, that's fine.

It's a considerable amount better. No, Parisian swamp ass What, walking to a Champions League final With a flare at your arse Oh, it's fine It's just been near his cheeks He hasn't slept in three days Oh my god

What do you think happens To most of the drugs people buy in festivals You think they're asked about Holding a bit of a shitty flare Yeah What do you think, all the lemon All the hundred kilos of lemon People put shitty beak up their nose

Do you know what I mean? People You don't like coke on fire, do you? I don't do drugs. Burning shit. Imagine how many different arseholes. I've sniffed. You've sniffed?

Yeah, but those arseholes made me feel really confident. Hey, you're telling me lighting a flare wouldn't make you feel fucking powerful and confident? It does, you know. No, it wouldn't. It'd make you feel... Not in an it does you know no it wouldn't it'd make you feel not in an indoor thing but it may be in an outdoor

I've been I went I mean I was I was 17 I went to V Festival once and like got a flare out to like the stereo phonics

and I thought I was the fucking bollocks do you know what I mean and I felt like it for like the whole time the flare was been and even after it

people were coming up to me like and then you sniff your hand and i was like just to be clear don't bring any whatever you do by the way please don't bring flares because i i'm made up with the work i'm doing with sjm at the minute so so we're just going to be 100 clear on this carl can you just look at your camera and give people advice? No grenades. Simon,

Conrad, Jack, this is fuck all. He literally didn't move. Don't bring flares because we will be, you know, sad.

Yeah. I'm wearing flares. Bring cocaine though. Yeah, you can wear, you can wear flares. Yeah. By all means.

Oh no, don't wear flares. I am actually wearing flares tomorrow. Stop it. What time? My bird's 30th party. My fiance's 30th party yeah by all means oh no don't wear flares I am actually wearing flares tomorrow stop it what time my birds 30th party my fiance's 30th party and it's at

studio 54 themed oh sick oh nice yeah which is it's great like but it's like

you know you have to wear flares basically but they're not jeans flares are they they're like no they're like pants flares yeah yeah

but like what colour oh god all me mates they're all just like you know it's yeah. What colour? Oh, God. All me mates told me, it's like, you know, it's been like, winds me bird up proper

because like, it's not fancy dress. It's a theme, if you're talking to me. Do you know what I mean? It's a theme, guys. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Not fancy dress. Yeah. And then one of the lads is like, have you got all your grip yet? And I was like, yeah, Rachel ordered all mine. I'm sorted.

What are you doing for yours? Going to Smithies me and she's been going busy why is everyone people have been saying

I'm just saying I said to my brother who's 18 he went hey I'm gonna he's like

I'm gonna look heavy me you know lads and I was like how are you lads yeah sounds like Ardjah and I was like

oh yeah and he's like yeah lads just and I was like yeah is this Ardjah what are you wearing and he just looked at me and just went Ron Burgundy and I was like oh yeah he's like yeah lad just and I was like yeah is this our Jack what are you wearing

and he just looked at me and just went Ron Burgundy are you wearing like a silk shirt I'm wearing like yeah it's sort of it's got like

I don't want to give it away but basically give it away give it away isn't the party did you say the party's tomorrow yeah this doesn't go out

till Monday I'm wearing it's like a silk stud shirt I don't want any of my mates To rob any of my grip You see And then Flares obviously

And these boot things She picked everything But I've got to say I tried it on And it's obviously Not what I normally wear Yeah Like rose tinted ones

And like a George Harrison Fucking Zorro hat You know what I mean? That's what you're wearing On your next tour? No. No. You can't wear that and shout, fuck the tour.

Can I just say, I want to adopt something that I just heard. Trust. Trust. Trust. Is that like, trust me, lad? Yeah, yeah. Mother's lad, trust. That's another one.

That's a jail term. I had a mate who went to jail, and he come out of jail saying, mother's lad, trust. It means like my mum's life. Trust me. Do you know what and he'd come out of jail saying mother's lad trust it means like my mum's life trust me do you know what I mean but he just said

mother's lad trust do you know what I mean I haven't heard it since he got out of jail he quickly dropped that lingo to be fair but it was a bit of a while ago

but he'd come out of jail and I learnt so much new slang it was fucking great I felt dead cool full of that we teach Dan

all the Scouse slang like jazzy yeah jazzy when it's too hot willy wally much new slang it was fucking great I felt dead cool full of that we teach Dan all the scouse slang yeah like jazzy yeah jazzy jazzy when it's too hot willy-wally hey don't be a

willy-wally it's fucking dead jazzy jazzy's another way for weird jazz cabbage jazzy Jeff because you're

lighter on fire jazzy Jeff yeah should we have a break trust trust trust got some great questions trust what's happening ladies and gentlemen it's time to tell you about dan's absolute favorite sponsor

whoop i it's honestly it's difficult to put into words how much i absolutely love whoop what is whoop it's a uh i know what whoop? It's a... I know what Whoop is. I wish I didn't know what Whoop is so you could educate me. I'll tell you who doesn't know. It's Peter. It's Peter. What's Whoop?

The Havre Word Snake. Hello, I don't know. If you touch my skin it actually burns so please refrain. That was bleak. Do you know what, Peter? Everyone's noticing

recently you look like a right fat twat. I have to apologise, Dan. My wrist won't turn that way to look at you. Oh, don't worry about it, Peter. Peter, I've got a question for you. Do you use Whoop? No, I haven't got a clue what it is. Okay, well, if you went to join.whoop.com

slash have a word, you can get started. It's a wearable device. You put it on your wrist. Now, you haven't got any wrist, so you'll have to put it around your bollocks or something, right? I haven around your bollocks or something right you put it on and as you're slithering around doing all your exercise it monitors your strain your recovery monitors your sleep and also you can compete with us you can join the have a word community by entering the code c-o-m-m-h-v-a-w-r-d you get a free month's membership thanks membership thanks to the Have A Word podcast

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Slash have a word Let's go Let go No, but whoop.com. Join.whoop.com. Slash have a word. Let's go. Let go. I want to go to the Thursday show. I know the Friday's sold out, but I think we should buy it. We're not blagging.

Blag away, love. I think it would be fucking quality if we weren't bigging. What date is it? 29th, but if anyone could come, I don't mind talking people out to a work with and give me a platform to talk about my thing yeah I know because you know

how it goes you know what I mean likewise but if you know whatever probably on camera I don't care but like people like you

who work in in the entertainment industry yeah yeah we don't say oh no we'll buy I just I think it's gonna be I think I've never

I've never seen you live I think it would be a great for us we work in the city centre to just fucking mooch on down on a Thursday

you could do a have a word special live at the period on backstage as you and I yeah we'll just copy

Jamie's fucking business let's do everything Jamie does six months after no I mean on the day it could be like do you know what I mean how's like, do you know what I mean?

With the, how's it feeling, do you know what I mean? We could sort something out like that and have a proper laugh and then capture some mad shit from the stage. Oh, my God. Do you know what I mean? Like, comparing it. No.

No. Do you know, like, at a festival, you have, like, someone on. Yeah. No, we could be, like, when you're rehearsing, we're there. Yeah, and, like, if you just wanted to be involved, do you know what I mean?

We could sort something out where, like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Just sort it out. Question. Can we bring flares? Yeah. Outside.

Nice one. If you do bring flares to the arena, let them off outside the arena or inside. But don't actually bring them. You've got to hold it quite high as well. Shut up about fucking flares. We need to get the message across

or we're going to get in trouble and get a fine. We do. I see it. Look, the business manager's telling us to do it now. Fuck it. He's not.

He's not responsible. Are we being told not to bring them or not to like them? I don't think that's how it works. You can't just walk into like a fucking... It's all about the fine print. Oh, this is a big bang smack, but I'm not going to have any of it. Hey, that guy's got a gun.

Well, he's not firing it. Do you know what? This pizza express has got really twitchy recently. You can shoot a gun. I'll have that pizza. You can shoot a gun. I'm just taking me Bob on holiday. Fucking get over it.

I'm not going to blow the plane up. Questions. Jamie Rogers says, Jamie Rogers says, Eyelids, I was watching Paul Smith on James English's podcast explaining after his best shows that he's fully smashed

and he's feeling high in the buzz of smashing a gig. He hates going home and just sitting on the sofa and feeling nothing and borderline suicidal. Do any of you guys feel this after smashing a gig

or are you on a high all night and don't have a come down from the buzz? Keep up the good work and keep smashing the pod. I can't sleep after the gig. I go home and play FIFA until I can't keep my eyes open. Jamie, what's your absolute quality gig? You've loved it.

What's your... Pizza, banger, bed. Pizza what? Banger. Banger. Like sausages? Sexanger like sausages sex no no no sex adam the thing that i said we couldn't speak about do you want to make oh yeah pizza relaxation bed just because you brought it up now jamie has gangbangs yeah after all his shows no it's's just, I don't drink, me. Like, I haven't drank for a couple of years now. So, like, the going out and getting smashed up doesn't... What made you stop drinking? Performing, lad, to be honest with you.

And it's, like, it's so easy to, like, as you know, like, when you're just going on the road and you're just going to do gigs, every dressing room's got a fridge full of ale. Do you know what I mean? ale do you know what I mean now you know what I mean now that you're known

in the city you just go out for a pint people want to buy you a pint do you know what I mean oh go on lad just have a pint

I insist do you know what I mean it's just easy to say I don't drink at the match people want to buy you a pint do you know what I mean

and it's like somewhere along the line me because I have got a bit of an addictive personality do you know what I mean I a bit of an addictive personality, do you know what I mean? I'm going to end up an alcoholic, do you know what I mean? Because there's, you know, I'll have a drink to settle your nerves. I'll have a drink to come down after your gig.

I'll have a drink for fucking, just because you're here with us, do you know what I mean? And it's like, and if I drink, right, because I've got that addictive personality, you know, don't have one or two. You'll have a fucking load. You'll have a load of other stuff that you shouldn't have one or two. You have a fucking load. You'd have a load of other stuff that you shouldn't have and you smoke fucking 50 ciggies. Do you know what I mean? I can't talk the next morning. I don't know about any of you after doing that.

So imagine trying to fucking sing. Do you know what I mean? So like, the way I see it now is like, people like, people like, in a world that's getting fucking extremely harder and harder

to live in just financially right everything's getting inflation is is here to stay do you know what I mean it's ever

it's you know it's indefinite inflation isn't it it's always going to be there it's always going to happen so look I'm asking people to pay

between 30 and 40 quid to come down to one of my shows right they've got kids or they've got and you feel like

you owe them the best version of yourself yeah exactly you turn up with half a fucking voice because you've been on the shite in the aisle all night

do you know what I mean thinking you're playing playing the fucking rock star do you know what I mean before you've done your shows and then what so what you've just bumped people out of 30 quid to line your pocket done your shows and then what so what you've just

bumped people out of 30 quid to line your pocket but you haven't even give them what they've come to see do you know what i mean for me it's just you know i'm so glad you said on the shite then because recently in one of dan's scouse lingo lessons we we told him what on the shite means and he didn't believe us and you've just dropped it into conversation genuinely yeah on the shite yeah but like and and it's just i don't know it's just i feel better for it as well do you know what i mean and like i remember shit do you know what i mean like i remember like when you go in the studio and you record that track do you know what i mean because i haven't fucking got on the air halfway through the day i remember every decision i remember all the moments of the of the music and

like why is it a gig do you know what i mean like there's not like next year's tour i'm not i'm not boozing because uh this tour i didn't even booze that much on tour but we had our luban uh restaurant special i went out on the shite and then didn't sleep properly i was on the saturday night of birmingham on a three-day run had to go to london next day i was fucking Yeah. And I was, I was doing the show to the best of my ability, but you're like, I was having to basically right off the day to get right for the night to do the gig. Like this is, it's different because I've learned through years of working on the circuit where you do three,

four gigs a week or whatever, you're driving around. I could do that 25 minutes, absolutely hoof it, hung over or whatever. So much different when you're playing to your people. It's all on you. It's your show.

It's your career. It's a longer performance. It's your brand. It's more important. And I, next year's tour's on sale now and the schedule's a bit more, going to be a bit more demanding

and I know that I'm going to have to just get off the ale for two or three months, which I can do because it's more important. And that's the other side of it. You're fucking knackered.

Do you know what I mean? Who wants to work when you're fucking knackered do you know what I mean who wants to work when you're knackered do you know what I mean no one does I find being hungover adds to my energy on stage

so I'm on the next floor trying to drink more right cool that's my plan I'm not going to do a single show because inflation's real people have got kids and you don't want to give them

anything but the best version of you which is hungover innit yeah hungover because I'm quite dismissive on stage ah fuck it yeah that's what a hangover makes you feel so I

it's important for my health and for my career and there's a little bit of crying towards the end yeah they give you an encore you cry but that's part of it innit

yeah it's all theatre yeah yeah yeah yeah Jamie do you find yourself protecting your voice yeah that's another one that's because of the ciggies and the shite

well the shite burns your vocal cords you know what I mean you look at all them singers like look at Liam Gallagher and people like that you know what I mean loads of so many

top top singers have lost their voices because of that do you know what I mean because what it does is as you know if you've took it it goes down the back

of your throat doesn't it do you know what I mean it seeps down the back of your throat and it's mate it kills you

it burns and what a lot of people don't know is your vocal cords actually start in your nostrils and they go down your throat. That's another thing as well. But, like... I mean, like, do you go to yourself, right, I need to protect this so I can have a longer career?

Yeah, well, it's like I had to get singing lessons for the first time before me last tour last year. What? So I've been singing. Really? Yeah, I've been singing for 26 years. first time before me last tour last year. What? So I'd been singing. Really? Yeah, I'd been singing for 26 years. Wrong. Yeah, the way you breathe.

It's breathing and stuff, isn't it? Was your voice ruined at the end of every gig? Yeah, that was the thing. It was like, I was doing, because it was only, I was doing the Liverpool gigs and whatever, but they were like, you know, I remember one,

we'd done one tour of Ireland with the boss gigs. And the boss gigs are slightly different because you're not singing, you're shouting over. So for anyone who doesn't know, the boss gigs that he's talking about, the boss nights, it's essentially, it started as before or after a Liverpool game. You would sing Liverpool songs to music in front of a crowd full of people. We're going to do them in six months. I'm excited about that.

I'm looking forward to it. But no, the boss things, for anyone who doesn't know, it's like how I come into music, sort of. Do you know what I mean? It was playing L.A., L.A., L.A., Liverpool songs for mass numbers of Liverpool fans around Liverpool games. So when we were doing them tours of them football gigs, it is very much, ah, fucking, ah, you know what I mean?

And you can sort of get through it because it's it's just a it's like a display of fucking alpha male dominance almost from the stage you're singing you're shouting nursery rhymes at adults who are pissed do you know what i mean that's what that's what i'm doing with passion do you know what i mean so it's like it's you can you can do that with the soft throat because you just fucking make it, you just seem more passionate, if anything, do you know what I mean? But, like,

when you've actually got to hit notes and you're, you know what I mean? You've got, you're playing with musicians and there's all sorts of melody going on throughout the songs and, like,

you want to be able to sing the songs how they sound on the record and shit and I'm constantly, like, if I'm, you know, if I've ever had to smoke or anything like that

when I'm on tour, I'm straight into... I have a steamer. Have you seen them? Like a Dr Nelson's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a... On your face? Yeah, and you pour hot water into it.

It steams your throat and that. I'm on that all day. Lemon, ginger, manuka honey. Before bed, I have the spoonfuls of honey. You know, like fucking medical-grade honey. And then your lemon and ginger drinks all day, probably about four litres of water. Do you know what I mean?

What's medical-grade honey? It's manuka honey. Strong, strong. It's manuka honey. So, like, you know when girls get, like, breast implants and that, sometimes they give them manuka honey dressings, you know, over the scars and that. It's like manuka bees.

No, seriously. If I'd have have honestly in this episode i've been asked to guess about fake boob scars being dressed in honey that's so on point for have a word like we're talking about inflation and then fucking honey tit it is it's like manuka honey it's like it's from manuka bees and they're only in new zealand so they're like these fucking super bees basically and like it's all all the honey from them and like it comes over like

medically stamped and certified you get it all in the barreton that's about 80 quid a jar it's fucking honestly it's proper but like if you've cut your hand

do you know what I mean and like I've done it before where I thought ah putting a plaster over it or whatever it's just only a little paper cutter

shutting off literally do you know what it's proper bleeding pissing out put a little smidder of honey over it or whatever. It's just only a little paper cutter shutting off literally. Do you know what it's proper bleeding, pissing out. Put a little smidgen of honey over it, mate. And it heals. But imagine, you know, putting it down your throat all day.

It just gets rid of it. And then right before I go on stage, I have a shot of apple cider vinegar with the mother black garlic and manuka honey all contained. It's the most rancid thing you will ever drink in your life. But if your voice is gone,

it just burns. I wonder if normal bees ever get promoted to make that honey. You know, if they're like smashing it. Hey, do you know the live-up buildings? I've got bees on the top of it. I've got a kitchen shot of this, you know. There's bees on the top of the live-up buildings that make honey. What?

No, mate, I shit you not. I've got a video on my phone there. I went up to the top of the live-up buildings to do a bit of filming for a documentary. that make honey. What? Nah mate, I shit you not, I've got a video on my phone there. They've got, I went up to the top of the Lava building to do a bit of filming for a documentary and there was fucking

them bee fucking crates. Beehives? Beehives, yeah, there you go. I forgot the word there. And I was like, what,

what? They were like, oh yeah, we make our own honey and I was like, the bee said that. What? The bee said that? The older woman. She was like, we make our own honey and I was like the bees said that what the bees said that the older woman

she was like we make our own honey the bees bees were out at the time they were in the hive that is the most scouse fucking honey ever

where's your fucking honey mate on the liver building you sounded Welsh then lad on the liver building on the liver building trust trust mothers mate you got another question on me fucking sounded Welsh then, lad? On the liver building. On the liver building. Trust. Trust.

Mothers, mate. Got another question? On me fucking liver bees. Is there any advice left? No, we've got some have a words, though.

Should we end on have a words because Jamie's got fucking honey meetings. Yeah, meeting big manuka. Ross says wag wag lids could you have a word with the fucking

stupid cunts that go to a fast food restaurant clearly not that hungry get their receipt with the number at the top and then stand there and ignore the first

four shouts then suddenly realise after five or six calls oh yeah that's me keep up the good work love all the specials they are the best in the business

that's from Ross who I think works at Maccyie d's i'm i'm with them though to be fair i'm fully with them i'm like a proper angsty kid when it comes to that you know like airports and that you know i'm in the airport to me flights at like yeah i'm gonna be there i'm like i've got i'm looking you know it's like gate info in four minutes i'm exactly like you know I mean? I'm at the gates and I'm like fucking, so I get it. He's one of them people, Defo. Like if I have a receipt, I'm constantly like, yeah, I'm five away. Yeah.

You know, I know. I try and judge it before they've even. Yeah. I watch what they're putting in a bag. And I'm like, oh, that's going to be mine. Same lad. I'm already at the front. And I'm like, is that number four?

I say the number. Yeah. Before they go like number 40 yeah yeah yeah you can't do nothing about it I think you're like a secret shopper

in Mackie D's you get annoyed yeah I agree with Ross I would like to sort of say I think McDonald's need to admit that this Argos system

they've implemented as well hasn't worked load of shit there isn't in the Chester one now there's just a fucking Hole in the wall And like

Oh god what do you want to do Like it's I don't mind the Someone's in there Oh god It was like the drive through And then you go inside And it's just like

A human drive through Like I don't mind the Ordering it on the The computer But I just I feel like you need An old school tilt

Are we going to go To the passports now Are we going to talk About the gates Of the passports You know Oh we going to talk about the e-gates at the passports now? Oh, fuck off, Carl. No, I don't like getting judged by the French cunts sitting there. Oh, mate, judge away. You're not going to...

Have you ever been turned away? What? Have you ever been turned away? Well, there you go then. You've always been judged, right? Take your hat off. You take your hat off? Yeah.

Nah, like, them e-gates, they just go down. They just go down. And then it's like, hang on a minute. Like, if you just had five people working, do you know what I mean? We'd all be out of here by now. Do you know what I mean? Who the fuck are you?

I do not recognise. What authority have you got? International law. Is there any e-gates look at you and they're like, nah, you're not real. Do you know what I mean? And you're like, I am, I'm here. Here? International law. Is there any e-gates look at you and they're like, no, you're not real. Do you know what I mean? And you're like, I am, I'm here. Here's my passport.

Why won't you just open? Got no ghosts in here. No, if you look at them, they go. Go on then. I'm like, yeah, that is me. You're going to God here. Like you're the first fucking guy to catch me. No, I don't mind that.

Is he a terrorist? Is he a terrorist? No, not a terrorist. No, I don't mind that. Is he a terrorist? Is he a terrorist? No, not a terrorist. God damn. No, because I've got nothing to add. So I quite like... I don't know why, Jamie. So I quite like it when they're like,

what are you doing here? And you're like, well, I'm here to do this, if you must know. And they're like, oh, you've beat me. And I take that as a victory. And walk in. In Paris, the lady looked at me and said that. I went, oh, I'm here for the UFC

and she was looking at the card on her phone and we had a little joke about it that was quite cool nah fair enough but usually when they judge you with the

you don't even know what you're like you don't even know who you are I like complaining Jamie that's what it is I just don't like getting judged by some

by someone who's there to judge you yeah someone who's there in the intestine and then he gets the book and he goes to it and goes

ooh that's got six stamps on it I've got a boss go on a new page I've got a boss story about someone who did actually get turned away from Russia once when we went to Russia

lucky cunt yeah no honestly Kazan is a fucking brilliant city by the way I had a great time there but when

going into Russia and obviously you have a visa like in America you know where they put a page on your passports and that your own picture your name in Russian alphabet and that

so this lad's the first lad to go off the flight in our group to go through and he stood at the thing and like they sort of lock you

in like a little you know what I mean gate opens like the passport gate shuts behind you and you're trapped in the thing

with this Russian judge and they were like just just kept saying to him no no you can't come in and pointed at this page that was ripped out in his passport and like sent him on the next flight back home so then a couple of days like later we we seen him at the away game at home you know in england on the sunday and uh what happened there like why the fuck did he turn you away he said that i was i was in ibf and uh someone wanted a roach for a joint and he ripped the page out of his passport and then i was crying laughing at him and he just

looked up at me and went i've never smoked weed in my life it was a belt and I was like what a sausage do you know what I mean he's a good mate to mine as well can you not deface your passport no

no not at all you can draw a muzzy on yourself if you've grown a muzzy since the no you have to draw a muzzy on

as you go through no but if you've grown a beard since the the photographs have been taken you are allowed to draw that on

just so that they can be like oh no it isn't but what happens if you lose it pencil I don't know I've got all the answers

there's a lad we know who had a weed vape pen like an actual weed in but like a vape and he walked off

the plane in Dubai smoking it so that's what he did and they were like what's that and he's like it's my weed vapour

so he got put in jail for the bit and the comedy club had to come and get him out if they'd have known that he is also a homosexual man I think he might have been

in a lot more trouble right yeah yeah definitely I'm surprised he got out yeah that's a lot more trouble. Right, yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm surprised he got out. Yeah, he's lucky. Mate, I shat myself walking around Dubai with a root beer. I literally went for a walk and I had a can of root beer and I was like, fuck, I'm going to get arrested

because they're not going to know it's not a real beer. How you walk off a plane like, yeah, I'll have just the two on my fucking vape pen. When me and Rachel went to Dubai, literally, we were coming out the airport and he just grabbed grabbed a not like not me do you know what i mean grabbed a fucking took her aside probably like shirt in a bag like weren't weren't satisfied moved her onto this next like this fella just kept getting more and more religious you know each fella who came was more

and more religious as like we were going to move up at Christmas no first of all it's a fella in like a fucking you know like a suit like an actual police uniform but then the next fella's like in a robe

with a fucking do you know what I mean and he's like some religious fucking and the next one was the king you know what I mean and it was like

fucking she had nothing on her you know what I mean obviously because who goes to Dubai with stuff in the fucking hand luggage you know what I mean

or the suitcase but well obviously some people probably do but and it was like the way that he like spoke to her and treated her it was like I was like screaming and he was like just pointing at me you know what I mean just saying like shut up now

do you know what I mean and I was like you're fucking powerless man fucking he's a brave fella whoever took that week we used to do gigs in Bahrain they just couldn't be arsed getting the proper visa for it. So there'd be like six, seven of us, two comedians, like three or four musicians, like a couple of dancers and the person running the gig.

And we'd all have to lie that we were just pals going to Bahrain for a little holiday. And then you get that moment where you'd just be like in the V's a bit and there'd be one guy talking to another guy and you'd be like, just cool,

just don't look panicked, it's absolutely fine. Not breaking the law or anything, just trying to save money on these visas and by the end of it, there'd be like five of them doing that thing of like,

oh, shit in it. It's just not the part of the world where you should be fucking around no it's not who's you're told yeah so in answer to your question ross yeah mackie d's is well i was with him from the start i agree my experience the Bahraini visa at Manamar visa control would suggest that,

yeah, dead annoying. That's the whole point of them things. Just get your McFlurry a thick cunt. Just go off topic, not like,

oh lad, that's what we do. Otherwise, it'd just be a fucking column in the newspaper, wouldn't you? Yeah, shut up.

What's his name? Ross. Shut up, Ross. If you're not happy with the way the answer went, mate, tough shit, fucking write into... Ross Hammond.

I don't know, Tony Barrett. Write into Tony Barrett. Shut up, you bollocks. Oh, no, not even Tony Barrett. Tony Barrett's my mate. No, write into Tony Barrett. Find Jamie's mate. Write into fucking Bradley Walsh's column in the Star

or something like that. There you go. What's his name? Have we got a song? Yes, we have a song. Okay, no pressure, whoever's... This better be good music because we've got Jamie fucking Webster. It's a band from Essex called Rolled Up Sleeves

and it's their tune, You're In Love With An Idiot. Great. Jamie, where can people get tickets to your PNL show? Online. That's good. Yeah. Go on the internet. We're going to get it up for you right this Sunday.

If you just go to Google and type in Jamie Webster peer ed, I imagine it'll come up. So it's like Ticketmaster. Yeah. You know what I mean? All the normal. There's a few on the arena site. Yeah, it's all the normal places.

Ticketmaster. We'll put the link up, won't we? Don't go on Viegogo because you'll be paying over the odds and you'll just be paying some cunt out who's who's you know

lives by bumping people basically do you know what I mean should buy ours right now shouldn't we can we get tickets now please yeah nice one

yes thanks Jamie it's been absolutely quality I love coming on here you're fucking dead funny and dead sound thanks very much for coming on as always lads

an absolute pleasure our arena show sorry good luck with your arena show cheers man sold out thank you mate it's been a pleasure

the rolled up sleeves ladies and gents just on the audio bye bye Felicia You're not the only one Who's jumped the gun Disqualified I'm so particular

No victor keeps me satisfied The clocks you swing Don't make me sing I'm not someone you can hypnotize. Shoulder to lean on is cold, away from me. Leave it to me, I'm as awkward as they come. What would I become? If you ain't the king, then I just can't be undone.

I'm in love with the threat of it. You're in love with an idiot. I'll let you freestyle on a free Draw me while you're drunk in disguise I'm all for the chase, like I'm stuffing my face But my palate's gotta have it for new taste The taste of surprise I just don't see the picture. I'm not quite with you. I can't compromise.

Leave it to me. I'm as awkward as they come. If you ain't the key, then I just can't be undone. I'm in love with the thrill of it You're in love with an idiot I'm in love with the thrill of it You're in love with an idiot I'm in love with the phrenomen You're in love with an idiot

I'm in love with the phrenomen You're in love with an idiot So leave it to me Leave it to me Leave it to me Leave it to me So leave it to me I'll make your feelings take over

If you ain't the king And I just can't be undone You're in love with me