Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #202 with Vittorio Angelone - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Tickets for Have A Word Live at the M&S Bank Arena as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsVittorio's Tour: https://vittorioangelone.com/showsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Whoop | https://join.whoop.com/haveawordFree month's WHOOP membership with a 30-day risk free return guarantee when you follow the link. Join our Whoop community once you're set up with the code COMM-HVAWRD.Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world.Vittorio Angelonehttps://twitter.com/thatvittoriohttps://instagram.com/vittorioangelone Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star style. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed ed get on me so I two things first of all both very very very important cool

first of all I hate my hair and beard at the minute so I'm leaving it bit covid-y bit post covid it's really annoying me and I'm leaving it until I get my hair cut

on Friday at the arena for the arena show because I want to look as smart as possible. Smart. And secondly, I've signed myself up to the Pret Coffee subscription. Cool.

Are you being sponsored by Pret on this live? No. Are you doing a call and sneaking in fucking sponsorships? Yep. Oh, Pret. Very refreshing. And privately valuable. It's just really good value for money. That's all I'll say about it.

No? What do you get? No? What the fuck? No? Bollocks. So for the first month, it's only £12.50.

It's all getting big. And then after that, it's £25 a month. And you get up to five coffees. Five? Every day. Other coffee shops do exist. That's 150 coffees a month. And you get up to five coffees. Five? Every day. Other coffee shops do exist. That's 150 coffees a month for 25 quid.

That is a lot of poo, isn't it? That's a lot of you pooing involuntarily. And people don't know. Can we just stop heckling the fucking coffee deal? No, people don't. Boo. No. Bollocks.

Carl, you've got so many hustles going. When do I ever mention them? Every time you need anything doing to the house. This Christmas jumper is from Classic Football. Boo. No? Bollocks. Carl, you've got so many hustles going. When do I ever mention them? What? Every time you need anything doing to the house. This Christmas jumper is from Classic Football. Boo! Shut up and beep it out, lad. Lovely Zidane Christmas jumper.

Oh, yeah. I've just had some lovely flooring done by Derek, who lives around the highway. Give him a shout. I haven't had the floor done yet. When you do, when you do, some flooring cunt's getting mentioned.

Right, so you've signed up to the pret yeah now here's my first problem with it yeah you have adhd to the point where i think you might forget and wander off to starbucks no no no one of the other is is the nearest one to your house uh starbucks is nearer but it's less convenient to go into because you have to sort of go back on yourself another question what is this nightmare the other question is do you know that there's a lad

who listens to the podcast that works in Pret who keeps giving us free stuff there is I mean allegedly because how do we know

his bosses aren't listening why are you dropping a minute what's his name oh Mr. Mongeur Keith oh yeah Keith Mr. Mongeur Keith the coffee kid he's called what's his name oh mr mongeau keith oh yeah keith mr mongeau keith the coffee kid he's called um just full names lucky he went into that line of work so aren't you already on

a discount code anyway he's not there all the time he's unreliable so i just i i sort of like like the the idea of turning up to prep and being like what showing me badges And getting me coffee Do you know what I mean Right Five Five a day is the limit Yeah That's one of me five a day innit Yes Yes it is Yeah it is It's weird

You know Well Doctors recommend you have Five fruits or veg a day And fruits or veg Are defined as things That grow out of the ground Coffee grows out of the ground

Ground coffee That's exactly Are you going to Make sure you have five a day Even if you don't want one No out the ground. Ground coffee. That's exactly. Are you going to make sure you have five a day even if you don't want one? No. Like I've done the maths on it. If I just get one

on the way to the record, which I do every week anyway, twice a week in a year, then I already get my money back. So any bonus coffees on top of the ones I get on the way to work are free.

Nice. Bargain. You're allowed to buy coffee for someone else or is it just your coffee? Yeah, but you can only, so you can get five a day but there has to be

half an hour between each one. So I can't go in and just go, can I have five coffees? Which is a bit annoying but I understand the logic behind it from a marketing perspective. All right, nice.

Nice. That's a big commitment. What else are you in a, have you got a gym membership? I don't think so. You somewhere in your updates you've got a gym membership what else you signed up to um stitch fix obviously we're all signed up to stitch oh because you wouldn't be signed up to stitch fix you think i'm going shopping for myself when i've got an online personal shopper who can do the business for me. No sir. I'm signed up to that.

Netflix. Amazon Prime, Disney Plus. Netflix know what they're doing, don't they? They just keep putting their money up, but no one's cancelling it. I pay like the most, because I get like four screens, HD or fake. I pay the most, and it's just mine. Is that what the most is? Yes, man. There's like six people using it, which I'm fine with.

I think they're cutting down on that, you know? They've said that for years. Oh, have they? It's only two people at a time anyway. Well, okay, cool. I just saw something where they were getting a bit stricter. Netflix, I don't know what the price is where I'd have to fuck off Netflix, but it's high.

One thing I did notice the other day is um for the past since we started this podcast i've been paying for we transfer and for adobe which is being used by us and i've never put it through once on the expenses yeah i think and i'm not even joking i think i've got a dropbox and an adobe for the same reason from when we were fucking around sending files in lockdown. Oh, shit. Please never cancel that Wii transfer. Yeah. That is one of my favourite things.

That is the best thing, along with Pluralise, that we own. I think I'll have to just expense it. Just expense it. Yeah. The past two years. No, you can't backdate it. No, it's double jeopardy. No.

You can't do it going forward. I'm going to backdate it. And the thing is with Adam, he's so meticulous with his banking and finances that if we if we backlogged and gave him the

probably 380 quid that he's owned it would make a big difference it would make a big difference it's probably about four grand

is it four yeah I'm probably about four or five grand from this podcast yeah I'm not even messing Adobe's 40 quid a month

isn't it? Something like that. What's we transfer? I don't know. I think it's like 60 in a month. 50 pound a year. 16 what? About 16 quid a month.

Right. And you reckon, how long has the podcast been going? Eight years? No, it'd be a doobie as well. Right. Cool. Yeah.

It's not four grand though, is it? It is if you round up right yeah yeah yeah it's interesting should we owe you 52 grand you know because

we've round up from what you're actually owed which is 800 quid right have you ever gone a couple of grand in it actually

yeah yeah yeah fair enough have you ever gone through Derek Debit I don't know last month it's fine no it's good

because you're like oh I'm paying for this weird subscription that I thought was free and they've got you know what I mean what which ones

it's like when you sign up for something it's like oh it's free for two weeks you go I'll cancel that in two weeks and then you forget I am gonna

I've got a meeting set up early January with a financial advisor I am I'm gonna be I'm changing first thing is lad

lad you need to sort out we transfer sort that out I'm changing my ways in January no you know, lad, lad, you need to sort out WeTransfer. Sort that out. I'm changing my ways in January. No, you know. I am.

How's your books getting on? What? How are your books? What books? What do you mean? The books you started reading when you changed your ways last time. I've nearly finished the first one.

Honestly, that is your go-to to slam him. His lack of reading. Go on. Where have you got the financial advisor from? He's been contacting me for years asking me to go for him.

Is he from Africa? Hello, I'm a prince. I can help you with your finance. He's been courting me for several years. Is he gay? No. I don't think so. He's handsome, though.

Okay, cool. He's been courting me. He keeps sending me his underpants, and I think he can deal with my finances Adam's gay now and his bank account is sparkly

he deals with several high profile he won't tell me it's GDPR cool yeah yeah yeah high profile stars of stage and screen he says

scouses I don't know he's based in Manchester alright okay cool in a high rise in a high-rise in a high-rise flat council i fucking am if i represent everyone hello i know loads of people basil brush that's my that's my dodgy mancunian yeah adam i'm not trying to fuck you no i'm trying to make you money I've already got my new year's resolutions Dan

to have sex with a Mancunian Scully nice it's a big one give him all me money I'm going to stop being frivolous shut up

end the podcast what are we even talking about I'm going to stop being frivolous you nearly bought a Gucci truck yesterday it's not it's still there

Adam you bought a new laptop and then found your old one in your flat exactly I've lost me laptop I need a Gucci truck yesterday. It's not. It's still there. Adam, you bought a new laptop and then found your old one in your flat. Exactly. I've lost my laptop. I need a new one. What's this? Oh, shit.

I've got two laptops. Did you find it? Yeah. It was wardrobe. It was in my wardrobe. Luckily, you only spent, what, five grand on the new laptop? No, it wasn't that much.

Oh, was it not? Oh, now we're rounding down, are we? Now we're rounding down. You know what I'm owed? 75 fucking grand. How much. Oh, was it not? Oh, now we're rounding down, are we? Now we're rounding down. You know what I'm owed? 75 fucking grand. How much did you spend on your laptop? About 80 quid. Brand new.

Got a fucking discount. Yeah, so I'm going to tighten my belt in. I'm going to stop throwing money away. No, you're not. And me in this one, I'm going to start opening my mail. It doesn't even go to your house I'm going to change it So it does You've got so many scaredy brown letters

In your kids house Okay I'm glad that ended with letters Well it's a really Positive thing And I personally awful fully support it you know and the main thing is we'll hold you accountable to all of these new year's resolutions open my mail i'm gonna stop being frivolous right i'm gonna live my life as well

no but that third one carl haven't we we've actually because we both love you we've been saying privately i think adam needs to live his life a bit more you know because we're really worried that you just it's just you're too inward you're too no i need to stop spending so much money on things and start spending money on memories no i'm making memories he's right he's absolutely right though you do that what i mean hang? You know what I mean? Hang on. Have you ever got your Jag? No. Yeah, I thought you hadn't. I told you. What's happened?

No, you mentioned it once and then never mentioned it ever again. So I bought the Jag. It was a 35 grand car. And then I got six points in about two and a half weeks. On that one as well? No, on the Audi. Oh.

Shat my pants and i was in the two week uh give it back window with cinch it's very easy to buy a car on cinch it's not the cheapest it's use use code danza twat but you can just give the car back if you change your mind and i just i looked at it i really want to pay the mortgage off um i want to make that memory i'm trying to pay for that memory of when i go i'm gonna try and get one right um swap different dreams yeah you can just you can just give the car back yeah you get two weeks it's great so it is pretty good but uh no it was a beautiful car that jag but i'm i'm fine and i've not you know afterwards you do something i've not regretted it and gone oh fuck i need a sports car i did i'm all right the trainers didn't regret buying them for the arena bought them and i was you know afterwards you do something I've not regretted it and gone oh fuck I need a sports car I did that yesterday with a pair of trainers

didn't regret buying them for the arena bought them and was like and bought them and then I was like oh no I'm going to round down

until I'm watched the way 40 quid oh nice yeah because they make some nice stuff at Georgia at Asda Douglas

you're not being frivolous anymore so no the frivolity was one of the reasons I gave it back I was looking at some we still have got to pay the house off the stuff i've not done once i've done some of that stuff and i'm not talking about in 10 15 years time i will fuck around and

get a sports car and waste some money we're doing fine but i just as soon as i got it i had a feeling that a it was beyond what i wanted to be in terms of frivolity and i i was just going to lose my license because i was on the motorway and i did 85 and the car's just going come on dan what you're doing that's disgusting you put your foot down a little bit it wants you to do 105 yeah my car's so happy at 80 like it's happier at 80 but then it also wants to go faster oh absolutely yeah scares me my car if you're doing 100 in it, feels like you're doing five miles an hour because it's just big and comfy and lovely.

Not that I've ever done 100 in it because that would be illegal. Sometimes, actually, hypothetically, we'd be going to a tour show and we'd both not notice that we were doing like 100. Yeah, I just don't want to go out like that. All right, so, okay, this is your, the New Year's resolution is-

Well, I wanted to do this last year when I turned 30. That was my plan. But then things happened and it set me back. So I've decided I'm going to do it this year. Yeah. The first two... The one and three you'll do. You won't stop being frivolous.

Why don't we just throw some on the pile? I'm going to be less frivolous. Why don't you learn to skydive? I don't want to skydive. I'm scared. Just throw some stuff out. It doesn't matter. No one's going to hold you accountable.

What do you want to do? Buy a hovercraft. See the world. That's what you need to do. I'm going to do a good bit of travelling next year. Where have we got? So we're going to Amsterdam. We're going to Amsterdam.

We're going to Nashville. I've never been to either of them. We're also going to Tenerife. Americans, though, innit? You've got to... I'm not keen on Americans. Especially people from like the Southern States. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Disgusting. Especially people who live in the Southern States that aren't originally from the Southern States. Just their attitude to life just knocks me sick. Texans. Like, especially Texans who were like originally from Louisiana. And even when they're not talking sometimes, they breathe loudly.

Blonde ones. Yeehaw. Blonde ones who wear cowboy boots and they've always got like a husband in like a red jumper. You know what I mean? It's Texas Jellybean. And a husband who doesn't watch the pod and it's a very funny vibe having one of our longest og biggest fans uh in the studio who i

know this is like a cool moment for and also her husband who couldn't give a fuck that's absolutely lovely just Just sat there going, cool, I'm just here with her. Yeah, so also in July, in July, first few weeks of July. When? We're going to Tenerife.

Oh no, that's June. No, July. July? July? July. It's July, yeah. July. I'm going Mexico.

Right? I'm going Mexico Right I'm going Mexico You're going to Mexico And I've also decided Everywhere I go this year No you're not He is You've booked it

No I've planned it Adam feels very drawn To some of the hottest places In the world At the hottest point of the year What about when you He's a big fan of

No you're forgetting I'm getting a sombrero Nice one You're forgetting that Yeah Because when you were in Dubai In August You were like Fuck I wish I got that sombrero Nice one Solved Forgetting that Yeah Because when you were in Dubai In August You were like

Fuck I wish I got that sombrero Because that would solve This 49 degree heat I'm going to Mexico First two weeks of July You're getting a Ferrari And only wearing white clothes What?

You're getting a Ferrari And only wearing white No Texas Dilly Bean How hot is Mexico going to be In July? Just give us a

I know you're 100 degrees Celsius 100 degrees Celsius Oh my god And so you're dead you can see over here i'll tell you what if she's faking being american she's doing it really well by going with fahrenheit over um you're gonna sweat your fucking balls off i'm excited i'm going i'm gonna see a bit of me. Mexico. Cancun. A bit. It's 37 degrees translation. Sauna.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Watch the humidity. Oh, no, but there'll be a lovely breeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really excited. Mexico in July. What do you want to post? You're going to be permanently hungover from tequila. Your head will be warm.

I don't get a hangover from tequila. No, neither do I. It's the way I like it. Yeah? It's clean. If I drink nothing but margaritas all day, I could put 20 of them away. The next day, I could do a marathon.

In Mexico. So yeah, Mexico, July. August? August, I'll be gearing up for tour then. Basra? Yeah. So I'm only doing two club weekends a month from January, and I haven't booked any in yet, but I feel like I'll be gearing up for tour then. Basra. Yeah. So I'm only doing two club weekends a month from January, and I haven't booked any in yet,

but I feel like I'll be able to. Yeah, you can be Johnny last minute though, can't you? Yeah. There's a July. August, start doing a few whips, working progresses. Going to do a week in Edinburgh. Is your tour actually going to start in September?

October. So in September, I'm going to be gallivanting around Europe. Doing European, like? No. I'm doing some european shows yeah oh shows i've been traveling i can't wait for his tour to announce i'm looking forward to it we put because every time every time i've gone i'm on tour next autumn you go yeah i might i might announce mine soon i'm looking forward to you having yours announced so we can both sell it I've got my promoter might get me my routine today

for me to confirm then I'll go and say I want it I'm trying to get it on sale by the time we're on stage at the arena on Friday so I can put a

thing on the screen in the interval why haven't I got my thing on the screen on the interval Matthew Matthew too late

is it eight days too late is it 8 days too late is it I'll figure it out I'll have a word get a QR code just put it on your phone yeah

nice one mine's on sale I'm not going to Europe I'm going to Grimsby I need help I need the help I agreed to do the biggest venue

I've ever done on my own name yesterday where I hope it done on my own name yesterday. Where? I hope it's on sale before this, and I hope it does get confirmed, because we're just trying to get data to the minute. I think we're doing the Manchester Apollo.

Nice. Just 3,500 people. Oh, jeez. I think, so we're looking to do two dates in Liverpool at the Empire, which is a venue I've always wanted to play. That's 2,300. So we'll do two there and then yeah the Manchester Apollo and I will film

the special in one of those two whichever's later in the tour cool Apollo's great the Apollo's better for a court surely

is it? the Apollo's probably the Empire's quite like oldie no but that's good though it looks good it's brass and it looks like

a solid old theatre. The Manchester Apollo I've played twice before. Three times before actually. I did a charity gig there and I've opened for Bill Bear and for Jason Manford at the Manchester Apollo

and that'll be a nice moment that to be there on my own name. If we get it over the line and it is confirmed. What's exciting about this is in a few years I'll be playing these venues

because that's how I do tours now I just wait to see where Adam does and then a year or two later I do the same venue because that's how I get the contact details we weren't going to do

we weren't going to do the Apollo D see you at the Philharmonic the idea was to do the Lowry which I think is 1700 because that's pretty much how many Manchester tickets

I sold on the tour just gone you want to go bigger though no we wanted the Lowry because you want to sell it out

and add the second one and then the next tour you do the bigger room but the Lowry is very difficult to get a date off yeah they are

it's more of an arctic after than the Lowry no it has a lot of comedy it's a massive hub for I'm doing the Lowry on my tour

I'm doing the 460 room which is fucking gorgeous yeah I looked at doing that one dannightingale.com tickets are available that's a brilliant room

for comedy art yeah I've seen a lot in there yeah I've seen John Richardson in the room I was trying to do and it was great

I'd love to do the Lowry in Salford is such a hub for everyone now. They've totally got used to it. It's all, it's not just Manchester, it's all of the Northwest. I've got mates from Preston that have gone to see stuff at the Lowry. My favourite Nando's is opposite it.

Oh, is that a good one? The BBC Nando's, basically. Media City Nando's. Yeah, great. Nando's, Gilly. You can's. Yeah. Great. Nando's. Jelly. You can't. I know they gave you all those restaurant recommendations.

I went for. Oh, Carl's got some sea monkeys. Oh my God. Literally, by the way. There you go. I forgot what these are. Just add water. Have you got hands?

Yeah. Cut. Yes. In the end. There you are. You're growing your own monkeys. Sea monkeys. Sea monkeys.

Yeah. Is that on a Patreon episode? Is that on a public? I don't know. It was on a Patreon episode. We were talking about it, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to grow some sea monkeys and we're going to have them here in the studio.

And then eventually, if they're big enough, they'll be land monkeys. Oh, it's a fucking zoo around here at the moment isn't it oh he's giving you some water to grow them a menagerie

a menagerie we've got oh can you just oh you just add water to this yeah yeah it's fucking changed now mate

and I'm stumped by packaging it does look tricky to be fair packaging yeah you made it clear Finn gave me a look.

Ready? Seems complicated. Are we listening to the audio? Should we read the... We're making some sea monkeys. Should we read the instructions and then do it? Also, stop listening to the audio. We'll do it in the break.

No, don't stop listening to the audio. On YouTube? You absolute quag. Why? Empty this packet. We've got loads of listeners on the audio. We do. It's not just a YouTube show, is it?

I listen to podcasts purely listen. Yeah, I'm an audio listener. Also, it's how we started. Gilly, do you listen or watch? Yeah. OG, mate. She didn't even know what we looked like. Well, you've just got to be a good broadcaster and sort of...

Oh, this is bollocks, this means. We'll do this another time. It takes up to 48 hours to get these things out. What did you expect? I thought I'd just throw it and then someone would come out and I'd give it a banana. Someone. We all used to be monkeys, remember?

Worms. It was Etta's nativity this morning. Oh. Was she playing? She played sheep number 26. So big part. A big part. Really big part.

Was it a speaking role? It wasn't. It was a singing role and she couldn't see us for the first 10, 15 minutes because of some parent's massive head in front of us. Like, no pressure but you really need to be there at these things because you just it the first 10 minutes is just kids going where my people where my people and as soon as they see their people they go like ah the fact that we knew she hadn't been able to see us, we just couldn't make eye contact with her

because of fathead in front of us. And then in the end, she stood up for a song and saw us and it was all fine. I'm a little worried that I'm not going to be able to do another 14 of these in a fucking row every year, one of these. Don't do them at 16. She's not going to be doing nativity when she's 16, is she? She's at this primary school for another, what, six years?

They're not going to do one every year. Yeah, but then Jack Yeah they do a nativity every year So when she How old is she now She's five Five years old Right

So you think she's still going to be doing a nativity When she's eleven But I've got Jack having her So as soon as she's gone Jack starts She's got two more nativities max Do you think Then they're like plays

Like we did like Weird plays I played a chicken I was one of the're like plays like we did like weird plays i played a chicken i was one of the leads for christmas yeah we did like it was called stable manners it was about all the the animals in the thing in the bad boys too that's better you do bad boys too for christmas i was reggie what the fuck you look 30 yeah i played Martin Lawrence and Will Smith oh nice a one man play bad boys oh two

it was just that one scene it was just it was just the one scene when Reggie comes up I don't think I'm yeah because she's got nativities

and then Jack's gonna start and I'm really worried that I'm struggling with all the day to day stuff with going to school I find it monotonous and repetitive.

Yeah, but you need to go. This morning I was like, this is my second one and I'm like, I'm already over this. Also next year we need to do a nativity. Just decided. We need to do a nativity with a live audience.

I think we need to do our My Kids School nativity. Or we could do a panto. I would love it if we could be involved in Etta's School's nativity or we could do a panto I would I would I would love it if we could be involved in Etta's school's nativity

because it's a little dry I think it needs zhuzhing up you've got all the Easter plays as well to come no

yeah oh god those ones are fun some kid forgot a line today and paused on it you're like just say something about Jesus some

just just improvise kid just say Mary Joseph Jesus just improvise kid just say Mary Joseph Jesus summit blag it it's all the same

kids are shit they had they had someone narrating they had four kids narrating and one of them was

it was the most intense thing ever and then Mary and Joseph and then it was her line she was like and then they went to the foot

oh it's so intense I would love you guys can we just get involved were they all mic'd up they had microphones at the front for the narrators and

with a big sparkly and then and then the third one came on like it was like death metal well you never know maybe that kid's being raised by like a satanic cult yeah right yeah i think it was just bad mic technique he sounds like he made the play

better yeah i've been waiting for him to talk he's a girl and i've got easter ones to come as well the lads are all spanners at that age they're not allowed anywhere near the narrating yeah yeah it was just fucking idiots the five girls were the narrators. There was no lads able to read that level of fucking dialogue. So what was the full formativity of the whole story? The kings and all that? It was about a janitor. It was about a...

What? It was about a... Jesus' name is... It was... Nailed it. It was about the caretaker Didn't think the school Were doing enough for Christmas

So every night he made a bauble For a Christmas tree and put it up This isn't a nativity is it Listen And then kids came in and went wow What does this bauble mean And then they were transported back in time To the nativity

To see what the bauble meant. I don't think it's the LNCT. Did you just say I'm travelling? It does. It's in the Old Testament. The old time travelling testament. If time travel's real, then it doesn't matter which testament it's in, does it? That's a good point.

You should have shouted that. That's very true so I'm open to suggestions I think we should put it to my kids school for next year because just normal nativities

are really boring is Essers school non-denominational or is it like Christian C of A is it yeah yeah it's really good at least you're gonna

just have to do Christian holidays then do you know what I mean what if there's a non-denominational school what they don't do Ramadan At least you're going to just have to do Christian holidays then. Do you know what I mean? What? If there's a non-denominational school. What? They don't do Ramadan and everything.

They fucking do, mate. An academy would. No. They do. They still do the Christmas nativity for the Christians. They still do the Easter play for the Christians. And then they do a musical for Ramadan. Hanukkah.

And then they do a mime for Hanukkah. A mime? Yeah. They do a mime? Nailed it. So Hanukkah. And then you do a mime for Hanukkah? A mime? Yeah. They do a mime? Yeah. Nailed it. So Hanukkah. There's the candles. What's the musical for Ramadan?

At non-secular schools, they don't just do every religion. Like, come on, parents, you've got to come in for Ramadan. Plus, they're not fucking eating. No, they don't pop people through it. But they do teach them about it. Pop people through it.

They do teach them about it. Yeah, they do teach them. They do all the stuff. And non-dom schools still celebrate Christmas. No, they don't. They don't have a nativity, do they? I thought they did them all. Yeah, they do them all.

No, they don't. They're not atheist schools. They just don't, like, you don't have to be a specific religion to get in. Yeah, but you don't then have to celebrate. You have to, your kid's not part of a ramadan like they get to yeah they get taught through song but you're making out like like yeah we don't follow any

religion so what we do is we follow all the fucking religions and the scientology week in april tom cruise is coming down they only do Scientology week if there's a Scientologist kid in the class. Yeah, and everyone gets oats for the Quakers. I love it how in your head you were... Even Matthew just heckled you. Yeah, we're all doing Ramadan. Why?

Because it's a, you know, it's a non-secular school, so it's really important. But what happens if you are doing Ramadan? You're like, oh, why is no one learning about my religion? Yeah. understand your point i get what you're saying that at non-secular schools they learn about languages learn about religions but they don't then do nativities and celebrate all of them they do no they don't they should they went to a catholic school you don't know what you're talking about I've got mates who went to a

non-dom though they told me about the Ramadan musical there is no muslim kid being made to do a fucking nativity against his wishes

because he's at a non-secular academy they don't have to get involved with it but they have to the class does it and they can just sit out and watch

or direct cool please sir I want some more so young Mohammed is the director for oh my god

I'm telling you that's what happens right yeah yeah and they don't make the Hindus eat cows either because they don't like that nice

good knowledge good religious knowledge please come with me to the next nativity I'll just say you're you're really asking us to go to the nativity

all letters I mean you will not be allowed to sit near Laura but I'll just say you're all asking us to go to the nativity all letters i mean you will not be allowed to sit near laura but uh i'll just say you're all letters uncles space cow uh space cowboy oh my god do you know you you went to like a religious school did you do proper nativities yeah like true to the like no no. It was true to the book. Yeah. Well, I've told you about the time I was in the nativity at nursery where I was nervous because I was the only person with a speaking part.

I told you about that, didn't I? You were Martin Lawrence. No, that was when we were in year nine. In the nativity, I was the innkeeper. So it was narrated by the nursery teacher woman thing whatever you call them teacher teacher yeah he's not a teacher in the nursery though they're not teaching you anything are they yeah i'll get your finger out your ass stop wiping on the other children like they taught you that yeah you still haven't learned that um so she narrated it but

then when it got to the innkeeper bit She went and Mary and Joseph walked in And was like, here's a room And the innkeeper said And I had to go, no room, go away And then that was the only speaking part But I nailed the line But then looked right down my dad's camera

Because he was camcording it And said, see dad, I nailed it That was in the middle of the play I've definitely told you that before Can we do a Scotsman's Day with you next year? That'd be fucking great and said, see dad, I nailed it. That was in the middle of the play. I've definitely told you that before. Can we do a Scotsman activity next year? That'd be fucking great.

I think we should genuinely do a Pantos. One time. There's no room in the inn. We'll get on bookend.com, you knobhead. You can defo go

to your Delphi, Mary and Joseph. The three kings that bring CBD oil, one tens and a Montclair trache. And Jesus left to live in his nuns even though his

mum and dad are alive and well i think we should actually do a stage panto war joseph i'm not even raising him he's not my baby you can use like pop music can't you do like i got in the nativity oh in the panto sorry that's really offensive thing why against the people of Liverpool why

I'm only joking just me and the baby now don't need no fucking Joseph fucking you fag Joseph's in the public

lad I wasn't even shagging her and she's preg old lad thinks I'm a fucking knobhead or something says it's the fucking son of god

he better be paying fucking child support he's got his fucking load but then Jesus grows up and he's just like we do like a that's what we do

we do a Pantone nativity but it's set in the modern day so it's like now so it's imagine Christianity's never

so there's iPhones there's iPads there's Netflix there's all that shit time travel and then Jesus Jesus grows up and he's just got No, so imagine Christianity's never, so there's iPhones, there's iPads, there's Netflix, there's all that shit, right? Time travel. And then Jesus, Jesus grows up and he's just got his own stage show

because he's like a fucking sick magician, isn't he? But he's the only one doing actual magic. Fucking hell, see this fish? Wow, it's a 5,000 now. There you go. Enjoy. It's the greatest showman. Wow, Jesus.

The greatest showman. I think we should do a Scouse. That's a fish fuck off scouse nativity panto set in 2023 next christmas nice directed by a young muslim kid looking forward to that m night shaliman um let's have a break shall we i think we should merry christmas everyone hi guys time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor now It's Manscaped.com Santa baby

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Like, lads, there was a problem. My fucking Esmeralda from Peru, she had it stuck up her arse, couldn't get it out. There's a fucking transit issue. Oh, that's a good idea for you, actually. What? Nothing. Big bag of shite?

Yeah, I've actually got someone a big bag of shite for Christmas month. Not this Christmas No Well five years ago In a secret Santa Right But you've never done drugs And you don't do drugs

No Where did you get your Christmas Santa bag of cocaine From a dealer My friend who sells drugs Alright cool Well that's a very sensible answer If I got you a bag of like

Bacon powder To like wean you off it You know because you've had A coke problem before And you're like Yeah yeah yeah Like if I got you like Some bacon powder to like wean you off it you know because you've had a coke problem before and you're like yeah yeah yeah like if I got you like some bacon powder

and just be like yeah I'll have a snort of that maybe it's just maybe it's the maybe it's that that you're addicted to yeah I can assure you

with cocaine addiction it's not the motion of snorting something how do you know it is well yeah have you snorted any washing powder

yeah I got some satsuma chopped chopped it up, snorted it. It's too citrusy. Yeah. A little bit too citrusy and not cocaine. What about Daz? Are you just saying all the white powders that you can think of? Does that smell nice as well? That'd be better than cocaine, if anything.

It doesn't even matter what it is. It's more just the head flick of doing that, because apparently this is how I snort coke. Fucking lavish way of snorting cocaine what were you are you are you where you off a key man or what were you what was your what's your method i love it i was saying it all in the past tense like i you're over it now aren't you fully recovered i need every time we go boozing i get some is it off a strip as well? I need to. But apart from that?

Apart from when I'm drinking, then I don't do it. Yeah. No, I do need to get on, I need to, I need a little break from boozing, I think.

I've got a little dangerous thing of, every time we drink, in my head, I'm like, cool, well, I do that as well. And I can't separate the two.

So if that's the case I need to stop boozing for a bit I think Friday's going to be the last time I booze till Amsterdam in mid-January because I just need a break I said that to my friend Claire and she was like what what Christmas what and I I think it must be because she works in an office so her Christmas break of like two weeks of not being in work just leads to loads of booze in but for me I don't associate Christmas with tons of booze in

I haven't got a night out organised after the arena there isn't like a we haven't got a works do that is our works do the arena innit yeah

and I don't drink at home during Christmas loads I have a Baileys and maybe a bottle of beer but that's about it I have a bottle of Baileys and maybe a shot of beer yeah I actually did a full bottle of Baileys and maybe a bottle of beer, but that's about it. I have a bottle of Baileys and maybe a shot of beer. Yeah.

I actually did a full bottle of Baileys when I was doing my Christmas decorations. At least a bottle as well. Fucking hell, mate. Yeah. That's some diabetes. Diet Baileys. It was Diet Baileys.

Diet Baileys. No. Harder than sugar. She just does. It was just that That he enjoyed Just didn't matter What it was

Fucking old Satsuma Everywhere I'm really gutted That the after party Venue we've got For Friday Doesn't sell Guinness I'm going to have to

Drink beer Like a fucking Just run to someone else On Matthew Street They'll have it Flares seller Go there It's going to be

My last beer for a while But you can't not Drink in Amsterdam Because I'm not going Out for New Year's Go there. It's going to be my last beer for a while, but you can't not drink in Amsterdam. But because I'm not going out for New Year's Eve, I think it's going to be fine. I think I'm going to Edinburgh for New Year's Eve. Hogsmanay, is it? What?

Hogmanay. Hogmanay, yeah. Cool. I've never heard it. Hogsmanay? I didn't know it was one of us. I apologise. It's a big deal up there.

Hogmanay. Hogmanay. And old Bonnie Scotland in it. The old New Year. That's their Christmas. No. No. No. No. No, Christmas is their Christmas.

No, they have New Year's Eve trees. Right. The decorations are similar. What do they do on December 25th? Nothing. Work. Oh, they just work. Yeah.

Down at the... No, but Hogman is a big thing up there, isn't it? At the tartan factory. Old Angzine and all that that fuck goes off in Scotland yeah you're absolutely right it's not their Christmas

Christmas is their Christmas they care more about New Year's Eve alright okay cool there's an Asian country where that's true don't know what it is China Chinese New Year

they just call it New Year you spend Christmas you spend Christmas with your friends and it's like more chill than a New Year. Boxing day with your bitches. New Year with your family and it's like a fucking party. Right.

It's flipped. I'm genuinely introducing... What's the deal with Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving more bigger than Christmas? What's the bigger one? Christmas is bigger. Okay, it's weird that in America there's like two of the same thing isn't it end of november you're doing a family get together where you all have to fly to see

each other and then what i'll fuck off home and do it again my god thanksgiving is not about jesus though is it thanksgiving is about being a nice one for that thing you saw something for me yeah but it's but it looks almost exactly the same by the presents don't it yeah totally i just it there's no honestly in my family we barely get through one family holiday thing yeah if you had to do it at the end of november and then do it again in december the christmas one would look like a fucking it would be a nightmare you'd just be done with everyone oh does that happen in the States? oh is it like oh right okay

I don't think it gets to Christmas and they're all like again yay like everyone hates their relatives more of Nana's racism I actually enjoyed the racism of the elderly oh it's so fun to sit and watch yeah my clean is racist 100 my cleaner is racist but only against whites no oh no how do you know she's just made a few comments right i don't know

how in what context how does a cleaner get get race into a these are nice white underpants i tell you which underpants I don't like the fucking brown she literally said to me the other day she was talking about the other cleaning job she has she was like I used to do that that other block down there there was loads of Asians there

throughout the pandemic they've all just gone I think they've been radicalised by you those words left their mouth right cool yeah yeah i don't invite her for thanksgiving or christmas cut down i enjoy it i am really enjoying good morning your white coffee i can't the first time she said it i went to educate her and then immediately gave up so i felt bad after we talked about the guy who dropped the N-bomb in the sauna.

Because when you went, what did you say? I don't say anything. I don't need to have an argument with some skinhead, thick, racist cunt in a fucking sauna. He's not my problem. If he'd have kept hitting it

and I felt like it was genuinely menacing, I'd have just gone and said something. Because you can't be dropping the N-bomb even though you think your cousin's black and it's fine in a sauna it's out of order but it's not my problem to get in an argument with some fucking lump who i don't know or care about that's been arguments just go lad you can't say that in here come on yeah i just say it like that i did after it'd have to go past the point and i feel like it's the same with the cleaner like if like if it gets past the point you have to go past the point. And I feel like it's the same with the cleaner. Like if it gets past the point, you have to go, right, hang on, that's too much.

But what is the point of getting in a... Education? Otherwise, if you do that to everybody, nobody says no, and they're not unchanging. Yeah. You don't know what it's like to try and find the cleaner. I fucking do. I had to sack the last one because she was a useless twat.

And I haven't got one to do. Also, she was part of Hitler Youth as well. She may as well have been. Seneca judged her the same you know i think you should have known better when she turned up with a swastika on her arm

the armband was the big giveaway wasn't it she is the captain of the nazis yeah they're all captains they're all captains yeah useless twat

i hope you're listening um genuinely your instinct is to be like you're a fucking idiot but just keep keep going no i don't think she's an idiot i think she's misinformed right is she of a certain age she sounds like

a bit of an idiot though she looks and sounds and she has ghost auntie 50s yeah yeah she's what are you gonna say she looks and sounds like exactly how you think she looks and sounds yeah she's the old ghost auntie yeah i think she's just wildly misinformed i love that she thinks they've all been radicalized yeah yeah there was a family lived on our street asian they've moved out radicalized no it's called selling your house and buying a new one well is it radicalized to a four bed radicalized radicalized With a bigger garden That's immigration for you They come over here

They get jobs as doctors Radicalised doctors She sounds like an idiot though I just think she's misinformed I think a lot of people There's a lot of people who Have got opinions that they're just regurgitating And they've been told to think a certain thing

Fair enough yeah I think Finn's dad got radicalised what i was about to say was he's a great cleaner though my dad when he lived here had a problem with immigration and i'm i'm not quite sure how that worked this is quite common yeah like he he was conservative people people who are quite conservative in their beliefs and attitudes and stuff which i imagine your dad is he eats bacon he's a naughty muslim but he loves to that's a new cartoon finn's dad the naughty muslim look right listen i i imagine your dad has got like he's he's probably center right in his beliefs uh yeah in his beliefs yeah not yeah so that's quite common with with with people who are like first generation immigrants when they come to a country they're like no i worked again yeah everyone else come along he used to this is

pretty patel yeah that it's it's exactly the same thing it's no no no no no let's just hang on whoa i was allowed to come here and that's great, but she's not first generation though, is she? No, she's second. Yeah. But he used to come home and complain with like new apprentice work today. He was, I'm quoting.

He'd go, it's a brown lad. Don't know why he's here. Like he'd be annoyed about it. And we'd be like, that was, no. Hello mate, this is brown man mate. Don't know why he's here mate. It and we'd be like that was no hello mate this is brown man mate don't know why he's here mate it is me that

we used to say to him I don't get it this is you and he'd go yes different story different story yeah yeah of course not me

yes I don't know why he's here I just know it's not for the same reasons as me people from ethnic minorities can be very very racist towards other. People from ethnic minorities can be very, very racist

towards other people from other ethnic minorities. Japan's regarded as the most racist country in the world, isn't it? I don't know. By who? Like, statistically? Is it? Yeah. They're in the top ten of the racist top 40.

Elton John's number one. Spain in an eight. I'm thinking of other countries that are a bit more racist. A couple. Where? Russia. Yeah, but... They hate everyone.

They like equal opportunity. Like, hate... No, I think they've got some pretty traditional... Japan... Japanese people don't like South Koreans. There you go. But it's like saying we don't like the French. I love it that two Scousers are having an argument about Japanese racism.

It's such a beautiful moment. No, lads, Japan is racist. No, it's not, lads. Japan doesn't make the top 10, but at number 10 is the USA. Oh, Jesus. I mean, they have got quite a history, to be honest. Oh, Jesus. But at number seven is me ma.

And at number seven, it's my ma. My mum is more racist than all but six countries. Serbia doesn't surprise me. No. I think Israel is making a push to be a little bit higher on that list. I don't know who made that website but i don't trust the source i feel like a russian made that website no we are not racers look we have a list right here the fucking serbians over there they are racist and who's number one qatar the most racist country

is qatar and what have they got a A World Cup. Yay for FIFA. Good for FIFA. Who don't mention it? Dirty, dirty FIFA. Anyway. I just said FIFA. What? What?

Shall we do some questions? Yeah. Declan Wood says, easy lads, I think Japan is dead racist. What do you think? Oh. Declan.

It's not even top 10, Declanan I was at Colm Tyrrell's show in Liverpool the other night at phase one Adam was supporting good show all around yada yada yada anyhow I overheard a conversation in the toilets after the show which got me thinking some of the guys who said they were from Shrewsbury during part of the crowd interaction from Adam were saying that they they basically made up where they were from and had tried to say shrewsbury to make a link to the pod shrewsbury on a tuesday etc etc anyway it got me thinking one can you and dan and other comics tell when the crowd interaction is not genuine and does this and does this matter to you and two is crowd work easier to do with people who are being genuine and

honest with you and the room or is it a non-issue um do you remember them saying they were from shrewsbury yeah right so they've gone oh this will be dead funny we'll say we're from shrewsbury highlights how unfunny most people are yeah was it on a tuesday wasn't was it no it was thursday so that would have been okay like just if a comma if most of the time we can't tell when someone's being fake because people are Tuesday? It wasn't, was it? No, it was Thursday. So that would have been okay. Like, just, if a comment, if,

most of the time we can't tell when someone's being fake because people are like, you go, oh, what do you do for a living? They're like, I'm an astronaut. You can tell when someone's being a gobstruck like that.

Or even if they're being more subtle, they'll say something and then their friends will laugh and you're like, cool, we're doing this. My favourite one that I ever seen of that was Paul Smith

asked someone what he does for a living and he says he shaves dolphins. And Paul Smith said, dolphins aren't hairy. And he said, because I'm fucking great at my job. Which was so good to watch. A guy at the Frog when I was starting out said, chicken sexer. And he just did it with no joy and no one around him laughed. And I was like, oh, cool.

That's weird. I'll ask some questions about it. And I kept asking questions and he just kept answering them like in an informative way. And I was like, in terms of interaction, I was new at being a comic. It wasn't flying, but I was like, oh, at least it's not just like, yeah, I work in HR or in admin or something.

So we kept going. And on like the eighth or ninth question 8th or 9th question he went he just went i've just i just made it up he's like cool cool but there was no like there's no humor there was no humor to it he was just answering it straight laced and like answering questions about where he does it like yeah on a chicken farm like cool so what how'd you do it like stupidly i should have just gone what the fuck are you on about and then at the end of it it wasn't particularly funny and what we got around to is yeah i just sort of made it up and it and that's the the thing with comedy club interaction is it's it can already not be funny anyway so much just play the straight man play the straight man and if you don't do an

exciting job then the comedian can either deal with that and move on or ask another question but as soon as everyone's trying to do banter the absolute worst that we've said before is what do you do what do you do for a job not a lot you're like cool yeah kill yeah i mean this is the most dull thing i've ever had in my life well i now hate all four of those lads that were on that table that did the shrewsbury thing? Yeah. I hope I never see them again because I won't be held responsible for my actions. What are you going to do?

Punch the Leather. All four of them? Fucking hell. One at a time. One on one. That's fair. Five free coffees that day. Do you reckon Buzz Aldrin

can go to comedy clubs? What? Do you reckon Buzz Aldrin can go to comedy clubs? What's your job? I'm an astronaut. Ah, gobshite. He isn't anymore. He was an? What's your job? I'm an astronaut. He isn't anymore, is he?

He was an astronaut. I feel like you always are an astronaut. Not like president. Like a president, yeah. You always are what you were. If you've done something that insane, you're an astronaut for life. Surely.

Yeah. Maybe. I think you still say retired, but then a comedian just goes, what did you do before you retired? Yeah. I think that's an important step for the reality to maintain. Otherwise you're like,

that 93 year old dude's a liar. I'm an astronaut. Have you ever seen a point? Also, if rumours are to be believed, he was never a national. Yeah. He didn't go to the moon. Fact.

Yeah, but I think he... Seen the windy flag. Rubel, fact. Are you Buzz Aldrin? Yeah, what did you do for a living? I was a gardener. Oh! Oh, it was all a lie.

I should have said astronaut. You ever seen him punch the fellow in the road? Yeah. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a conspiracy theorist. And he just punches him with a thing. And he goes fucking apeshit and punches the other. As an old man.

It was like a couple of years ago. Yeah. I think Barry Dodds had an interaction with Buzz Aldrin. it wasn't barry dodds that he got punched where did buzz aldrin come from carl where did you where adam said what's your job i'm an astronaut oh nice yeah sorry i missed that and i thought you'd gone a bit weird do you reckon buzz aldrin can go to comedy clubs i honestly i had no link i was like i think car Carl's gone insane it's kind of a good question but I just wanted to know where it'd come from

the astronaut thing yeah yeah yeah yeah I've got I've made the links I think honestly at that level of you know you

we talked about astronauts the other day and you're like oh he's you know be dead famous dead rich I don't think they are that rich I think they're probably

just sick of a lifetime of people asking dickhead questions about the moon I think it's absolutely valid so what was it like what was it like absolutely valid. So what was it like? What was it like up there? Was it mad? Was it like in that TV studio?

Big fibber. Big fibber. Have you ever had like famous people? He's going insane. Conspiracy theorist over here. He's definitely not look I'm just saying

you know a lot of coincidences you know what I mean coincidence what a coincidence a lot of suspicious wind on that moon apparently

what Gilly what Gilly Bean's husband is starting to realise is that we don't deal in fact a lot around here he's like oh my god why are they saying

these things losing respect for his wife with every fucking conversation we put the camera there this is what you listen to the camera there getting off getting off the thing because whoever set the camera up at the perfect angle that was the first guy on the moon so the first guy on the moon wasn't fucking neil stretch armstrong it was fucking john cameramaneraman 1, wasn't it? John Cameraman 1. Chinese lad.

It was an international job. John 1. Apparently they got down a calculator as well. Not even a fucking ship. You ever put the camera there to watch him get off? Who put that there? I've watched thousands

of documentaries. You've watched Thousands of documentaries You've watched thousands of documentaries No wonder you've not finished that book I've watched at least 100 documentaries At least 100 And not one person has ever gone Who put the camera there? Who put the camera there to film you getting off?

Was the camera attached to Apollo 11? What's that? Was the camera attached to uh apollo 11 yeah what's that was the camera attached to apollo 11 the spaceship the spaceship what spaceship the spaceship they went on yeah now like the spaceship is there and they the camera films them coming off the spaceship could it not be like a little buggy like a little is that is that exactly how you remember it from your thousands of documentaries watch get it up no we're not are we actually gonna watch the space landing guys uh when people lie about being in the moon landing can't land on space when people lie about being from shrewsbury is it annoying yeah never mind that

buzz fucking alton get it up i think the up. I think the question was, I think the question was, you know when Buzz Aldrin turns up at Comedy Club? Is he annoying? Yeah, he's fucking infuriating. Right. There we go.

What? Nice. Where were you when this happened, Dan? Front room. He was in where? Where was I? I'd already retired.

I was thinking thinking you know what I might start a podcast on the internet how long is this video two minutes you need to skip to the go oh mate they've clipped it down

for twitter who put that camera there it's attached to Apollo 11 right yeah convenient oh I didn't realise Dan was working for NASA yeah you're a shill

government shill I prefer to think of myself as a big fibber great question whoever that was really good question Declan Wood brilliant question yeah we do find it annoying particularly when they're Buzz Aldrin do you ever find it annoying

when Buzz Aldrin's like yeah I'm from Shrewsbury shut up Buzz you shill is his real name Buzz yeah Particularly when they're Buzz Aldrin. Do you ever find it annoying when Buzz Aldrin's like, yeah, I'm from Shrewsbury. Shut up, Buzz. You shill. Is his real name Buzz? Yeah. Sure, for Buzzard. Different rules for this lot, innit?

They just pick what they want. I think they named the famous Disney character after him. Or Pixar, sorry. Yes, they did. Buzz Lightyear. Yes. Good. Not the first time you thought. And who rose in that question would that clip would conspiracy

and you're telling me that i'm mental with me it is you know it's chance that's basically fucking fact i don't think so this question is written in by little miss bo peep i swear to god little miss little miss bo peep I swear to God little miss little miss Bo Peep I can't remember Mr Potato Head little Mr Potato Head slinky dog

this question's from Buzz Aldrin why don't you keep my name out of your fucking mouth that's what he said what a question imagine if it was.

Stupid cunts. Oh, great. Aunt David says, my Auntie David says, 2022. Aunt David says, Wag Wag Lids, at a local MMA event In the US A while back

There was a fight That was ruled a no contest After one of the heavyweight fighters Threw a punch right at the start And proceeded to explosively shit everywhere There's a video online If Finn wants to get it up He admitted afterwards

That he ate a Chinese before the fight To put his weight cut back on My question is Would you rather Lose a main event UFC title fight in brutal fashion, like get proper knocked out

with your eyes open on the floor style, or explosively shit yourself when you know you're losing so the loss doesn't go on your record? That's from my auntie David. You get disqualified

for shitting yourself. I get disqualified for no contest. There's a game. What? That's mad, isn't it? There's blood everywhere. What's wrong with a bit of shit? No, I get disqualified. It's no contest. There's a game. What? That's mad, isn't it? There's blood everywhere. What's wrong with a bit of shit?

That's going in the trailer. I mean, you know, genuinely, I know I take the mick in a stupid question. Is there rules in MMA about having to smell nice? What? Do you have to smell nice for the fight? Oh, yeah, I suppose. You could smell awful and, like, scare them. You could rub poo on both of your underarms before you start.

I actually did. When you're in the clencher, I can fucking have a whiff of that. John Jones. Ah, dead now, aren't you, Pat? I need to snort it. John Jones. Little Miss John Jones. I actually think it would be worse if you had too much perfume on.

Do you know what I mean? Or, like, no flooring or something? If you hugged your arse and floors. It's gorgeous, mate. Yeah, but like too close. Just before your UFC fight, you went to Boots and were like, ask for all the samples all at once. So you're just a fucking thick haze.

I went to perfume sampling with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Cost him 14 grand that day. What? We went perfume sampling. And, yeah, she tried on pretty much every perfume in Debenhams. Went outside, me dad lit a cigarette and she burnt to death. Is it on a little thing? What?

She's putting them all on. She has special needs On the things But also Like I was sniffing them all Like having a little Oh I like that one Oh that one smells like shit You know like having a little test

And that And erm She was like No she was putting them on the sticks But like I think she used both her wrists Both her ankles And then went onto the paper

One on each flap. I don't know, a surface. Forehead. But I got a really bad headache from sniffing all this stuff. Right. Yeah. That's the story.

It's not a nice... It's genuinely not. It's like being in Lush. It's horrible. Yeah. I know what you mean. Lush gives me a bad headache. I like the idea of a bath bomb, but in reality, it's just a I know what you mean blush gives me a bad headache I like the idea of a bath bomb

but in reality it's just a big sticky mess erm I think people who overdo perfume need to have a serious word with themselves just two spritz pick your spot

I've got myself a new perfume for the live show for the after party me too myself a new one you would make a phenomenal gay man though wouldn't you

you've got a new aftershave for a night out. I wanted to switch me scent up. I've been a Sauvage man for a while, but Carl's also a Sauvage man and I started the Sauvage train. Do you think it's going to be all blacked out? You're like, where's Adam?

Oh my God, that's not Adam, it's Carl. Like we can, like... If a friend of mine goes blind, I want them to be able to find me by smell. He's very conscientious like that. He's so good. He loves people with disabilities. That's why he smells so nice.

Classic. I've got the tobacco and vanilla. Are you kidding? No. I've got some really bad news for you. You're not wearing it. I've asked for it for Christmas. Oh, okay.

As long as you don't wear it on Friday, that's fine. Who's going to care if he wears it on Friday? Adam. You wouldn't even notice? Do you think it was you that he smelled it? Oh, okay. As long as you don't wear it on Friday, that's fine. Oh, Michael. Who's going to care if he wears it on Friday? Adam. You wouldn't even notice? Do you think it was you that he smelled? Oh, he would. Yeah. No one's smelling like me.

I'm also going to a retro 70s shirt shop. That shirt's lovely. I'm not asked. That shirt is beautiful. It's nice. It's a bit much. A bit much for you because you've got no personality. Oh.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Do you want to know about the rule changes in the UFC? It's just your shirt though, isn't it? I'm trying to say this. Go on.

They changed the rules when GSP got rubbed in Vaseline. Right. Because he had his corner apparently accidentally rub his back with Vaseline between rounds which makes him harder to grab.

So since then... Well, I can see that's genuinely cheating, isn't it? Yeah, but he claimed that he didn't mean it and got away with it even though he blatantly did. Right.

So you can't rub anything on your nose. It has to be... Like the cut man is provided by the UFC so is everybody else involved except for your trainer. And you're... Is it just a common thing?

I don't know. This is getting... You needed a UFC fighter but I feel like you can't have too much perfume on after shave on. I'm guessing they would check what

because you can have a substance on you that would maybe enhance your performance or sting the eyes of like your competitor they would definitely

check yeah yeah like yeah yeah they'd definitely check your body say they changed the rules as a GSP cheating

I think if you're going to get banged out I think cheating yourself on like a UFC title fight is just a lot of exposure. I know getting knocked out is not great, but I think pooing your pants on pay-per-view

is a bit much, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you'd rather get paid for it. You're still fuming about me saying that about your shirt. No, I'm not. Should we give some advice? We've got an advice to give.

Should we save that for Vittorio? Is it a long one? It's not dead long. It's just we've got a couple of minutes. I wasn't able to go like this. It's quite busy, isn't it? No. No, it is.

Objectively, it is a quite busy one. Oh, you haven't seen my shirt yet, have you? My shirt's got Donald Duck on the front and the back. I mean, that is very busy. It's fantastic. Yeah, but you haven't seen my shirt yet, have you? My shirt's got Donald Duck on the front and the back. I mean, that is very busy. It's fantastic. Yeah, but you can't... It can also be a bit busy. You'll see it in a minute and you'll love it.

All right, cool, cool. This is Anonymous Blue Balls. Hi, Lids. So I've been dating a girl for almost a year now. We met last December and she absolutely loved the devil's lettuce. Like 30 quids worth a night kind of love. As a New year's resolution

she decided to give up smoking weed as the money she was spending on it was ridiculous i myself don't really smoke weed but i wasn't phased that she did in any way whatsoever nor did i ask her or hint that she should quit this was entirely her own decision which i welcomed and supported anyway a year down the line and sex has become much less frequent. We're talking once or twice a night in the honeymoon phase to once or twice a month. I have a really high sex drive

that most women I meet cannot keep up with. But during the start of the relationship, we were like rabbits and I thought I'd found a one in a million. But now it's got me feeling kind of rejected

like I'm doing something wrong or the passion has already fizzled out. In the past, she has admitted that before she met me, she was single, she would smoke the ganja and would use a vibrator almost every single night for up to an hour because the weed heightened her senses and made her orgasms heavenly, which that Welsh fucker Finn has confirmed is real.

Now that she doesn't smoke, her sex drive seems to have slowly dwindled. Even when she's not with me, the vibrator is gathering dust. So here's the dilemma. Do I suggest we get blazed as fuck every so often in an attempt to rekindle that honeymoon rabbit fuckery and passion,

or is it morally wrong to suggest we introduce a substance that she clearly had a problem with back into her life you get it on another substance don't you easy you get it on crack

easy something she's not addicted to yeah crack meth satsuma get her to smoke some daz meth's the best one

I think meth meth heads are notoriously horny yeah yeah yeah it's a fact Meth's the best one I think Meth Erm Meth heads are notoriously horny Yep Yeah Yeah It's a fact Fair enough

I think our food man Is delivering Is ringing me I know we're recording but Hello Let's continue Erm What do you think Finn

So Alright mate someone's coming down now I will I will agree That erm And Karl we've talked about this the one time I

have done the the old boogie kale the sex was amazing yeah it does it's something else yeah but

it's 30 quid a night respect yeah my man loves the pot it's the lady my lady loves the pot so

I think I'm just trying to get your attention it depends doesn't think it depends, doesn't it? It depends if you can kind of have a healthier relationship with, I think she's got a problem with it. It sounds like she's genuinely trying to get her off it. Well,

if she's, if she's not doing it, then you, you, you don't suggest it. But if she's in a different place to, to be able to have it every so often, then go for it.

And you'll be at it like rabbits. Obviously your sex life is important but if you're relying on a substance for your sex life it's not healthy is it no it's probably not a good thing no yeah using the substance to uh it's not good is it no because you can't rely on that forever but maybe maybe they just got a low sex drive and that was heightening like maybe that's yeah that is what's happening that was heightening. Like, maybe that's just a matter of normalcy. That is what's happening, isn't it? But how does she get that back? Other ways.

Yeah, I think... Oysters. Have oysters for breakfast, dinner and tea. Rub them all over yourself. £30 worth of oysters a night. There you go. You've got the money, apparently. If you develop an oyster addiction,

that's your own beef. Yeah, whenever you are relying on substances to bonk, it's a slippery slope, isn't it? But I can see the appeal because, you know. I don't find it tends to increase your sex drive, personally. I think it does for her. Yeah, but for me, it just, like, chills me out. It's a relaxing.

Do you use your vibrator more or less when you're smoking weed? I use it more anally. Nice. Oh, nice. Yeah. As opposed to? Do you use your vibrator more or less when you're smoking weed? I use it more anally. Nice. Oh, nice. Yeah. As opposed to oral. Sucking a vibrator off.

Dirty game. Yeah, good luck with that, mate. But yeah. I'd let my woman do anything that made her more horny. Right. You'd let her do it? She doesn't want to do it. I'd let my woman do anything that made her more horny. Right. You'd let her do it? She doesn't want to do it? I'd encourage it.

Good luck with it, though. Let us know what happens. Yeah, don't get her on crack just for more sex. Or meth. Meth. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, fucking get her on meth. All right, see you after the break. All right, ladies and gents,

this episode is brought to you by one of my favourite absolute favourite sponsors BetterHelp what's BetterHelp done? it's an online therapy service to help you sort out all the shit in your head so what happens there?

how does it work? you sign up at betterhelp.com slash word 10 that lets them know that we sent you and also means they pay us some money do you know what i mean and that's what we're doing these adverts for at the end of the day to make money but also to help your mental health out that's the most important thing absolutely that's why we do it the money to help hlp.com slash word 10 you sign up you tell them what's going on they will match you with a specialist and within 24 to 48 hours,

they get back to you like, this is your guy and you do all your therapy online. You don't have to deal with the anxiety of leaving the house, going to the therapist's office. I have to deal with my therapist in real life. He's got bad breath.

He gives me a lot of help. He really has. I've progressed as a person. But his breath stinks. But you've started seeing another therapist to get you over the smell of his breath and you don't want that. Yeah, I paint you.

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Vittorio and your fucking lonely. Yes. Hello. Future household name Vittorio. He's one of our own. He's one of our own.

I reckon the days of household name comedians might be over. Yeah, it was until fucking Vittorio turned up. Do you reckon? I'm going around the houses. I'm flyering.

Like you're in the Chinese takeaway, local pizza. Vittorio's flyer. Hey, I'm a comedian. Your QR code. Do you reckon household names are done? Yeah. Do you reckon the last one was? I think the fact that Joe Lycett isn't one

Says everything Yeah like your mum might not know who Joe Lycett is Yeah but he is huge Exactly But he's not top huge is he? He's doing arenas He's in an arena tour And he's not a household name

He's not Peter Kay, Michael McIntyre, Mickey Flanagan There's a whole generation of people I think that level will be attained. We just don't know who the next person is. I think it still can happen. I know what you mean, but I still think it can happen. Joe Lysa just isn't there yet. That doesn't mean that household names aren't ever going to happen again.

Is he Bridges right now? Is he the biggest? Yeah. Bridges, Flanagan, Ricky Gervais. In terms of touring, but then there's like there's comedians who like don't tour that much who like everybody

like everybody knows Tom Allen I think Tom Allen's more in the Joe Lysette bracket I don't think yeah he's not a household name also five years really

yeah but five years ago he was not like it's also a longevity thing isn't it with these if you want to be a giant it happens over time doesn't it

five years ago Tom Allen was just getting his first bit to TV. Five, six years ago. But is there not, like, even for Peter Kay, there's like a generation of people who haven't a fucking clue who he is? Probably young, like teenagers now, maybe. Because, yeah, why would they know who he is? Yeah, but I mean, household name, it's not literally everyone in the world knows you,

country knows your name, is it? No, but what I'm saying is there's a missing generation. It's close to it. We're like most people under 30, 35 know who Joe Lycett is, but then there's a generation missing. But then Peter Kay, everyone from 80 down to 20 knows who Peter Kay is, but then there's a generation missing beneath that.

I have some of the people who are 80 are starting to forget who Peter Kay is. He does really well selling tickets to people twice. Peter Kay is, but then there's a generation missing beneath that. I don't have some of the people who are 80 are starting to forget who Peter Kay is. No, that's the thing. He does really, he does really well selling tickets to people twice, two or three times. His dementia lot is, is great.

Nice to see you again. It's rough for his style. It's my first time. It's rough for his style of stuff, though. Just lose it. Lose it all. Sam is patient.

He's like, do you remember this? I don't even know my son's name. Oh no. So brutal. Garlic. What? I don't even know my son's name oh no so brutal garlic what that's what I hope Peter Kay could just do his first tour

to a lot of his fans and they'd be like this stuff's great mate shout out nothing to do with dementia they would love his first DVD again if they

if you if they bought tickets and he did Top of the Tower, word for word, they'd be fucking ecstatic, wouldn't they? Didn't he have two DVDs of the same stuff? Yeah, the Albert Halls and Live at the Manchester Arena was the same show. How was it? Just on two DVDs.

Cool, cool, cool. I can't do that anymore. That's how you know you're selling it it's brutal that nowadays it's a different venue and then you do your tour show and people like i saw 20 minutes of those jokes at your club set yeah what the fuck do you think this is we're very adamant on this we always say if you want the new hour from us every year you come and see the tour yeah and if you're going to come and see us four times in a year in clubs and then the tour you're going to have seen the whole tour so how are we meant to get it ready that's why you you gotta go and list it on the spot you've got to go

and listed that's the have you started doing unlisted gigs i mean i mean i haven't booked any in but i've basically asked i've been offered some as well i've had to say i can go and listen if i need to now yeah you can't have people going cool we'll go and see dan in manchester in march or adam and hot water in april and then they're buying tickets for liverpool because they are going to have 25 minutes where they're like oh that was that 25 minutes you did you're like yeah i need scarcity the tour is the best stuff yeah that's where i was developing it um i genuinely think pk walks out and does garlic bread. Everyone's fucking rolling. I don't think there's many comedians that would enjoy that.

Are you going to go and see him? Does it make me? If he said, I'm doing Top of the Tower again, I'd think about it. I don't give a fuck about this. Are you going to go and see his new tour? If you can. If you went, Dan, guess what I've got here? I've got four tickets that none of us have paid for and we can go tonight i'd be like yeah i would i'd probably go and see most comedians that i had some form of professional interest in but i would

never get in that fucking queue to no i think i'm gonna wait until the end of the time pick a night i've got off and then try and get tickets. Via a back door to go and see it. But I want to go and see him. I remember watching him when I was a kid. You hear stories about Peter Kaye, like from other comics. Some people who worked really close with him speak incredibly highly of him.

Because they're scared of him. And some people, some people slag him off to bits, don't they? People speak highly of Al Capone, who worked with him as well. He's, I mean, he's, he's obviously doesn't give a fuck what people think about him. Yeah.

And I think he's rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way. But you're right. I do know people that... But he's undoubtedly a generational talent. Yeah, yeah. He is the Jude Bellingham of comedy. And that's why... That's actually on the poster for him. Even Manford, he even Manford like

Manford's a household name no sorry I was just talking about Jason I've Jason's spoken about Peter there is a Peter Kay's been very kind

to Jason Manford over the years but I always get the sense that those people all the ones that were in Phoenix Knights who I've worked with for years there is a real like

there's respect and there's obviously, he's helped their careers massively. There is an undercurrent of, you do not mess with Peter. He could also be making them way more money. Because Phoenix Knights isn't on Dave,

it isn't on UK TV Gold, it isn't on any of those channels getting people royalties. And it's his contract to sign. But he obviously just doesn't has never been handed the right but he's helped them out in loads of other ways most of their careers were given a huge boost by it but when he whenever he comes up there is from those people there's a very like yeah well you know peter's peter let's move on i think he's scared if he finds out

it's like those um who do you hate fororio who do i hate in the industry yeah who'd you hate see now there's quite a long list of people who hate me well you've got the same problem i had coming up which is you're sort of yourself and you're loud about it yeah yeah no you're not a dick though are you just like hey i want to be good at this and i'm putting everything on the line and going i'm doing all of it he's on his only gigs there's another clip his only gigs there's another clip. Here's all me gigs. Here's another clip. And people who've never bothered to get off their ass,

like that fucking Latourio cunt. How dare he? How dare he advertise his wares? It's fucking brutal, isn't it? But you know what would make you a cunt if you had nothing to back that up with? Your stand-up's exceptional. Like, brilliant.

You're working dead hard at your shows. It will be once he figures it out. That's worth selling, isn't it? It's worth, like, I always think that's what, I've worked so hard at your show. It will be once he figures it out. Well, that's genuinely what I think. That's worth selling, isn't it? I always think that's why I've worked so hard on that show. I mean, if you're coming to one of the work in progress of next year's show, for which I've had two months to write an hour of material, hey,

it'll be pretty fucking ropey. Like, the Edinburgh show was like, I put everything into that and worked and previewed the fucking tits off it and it got better every day over the fringe And I stand behind him like yeah come see that It's great and I even keep the ticket Prices dead low

You know what I mean I still know Where I am You're going on tour aren't you Where's the tickets VittorioAnzoloni.com V-I-T-T-O I believe in yourself V-I-T-T-o i believe in yourself b-i-t-t-o go and see uncle tito

my phone to uncle tito oh uncle tito yeah that's good i think you uh i think you're always going to get a little bit of Jealousy from people Yeah but it's hard I don't want to be like the fucking jealous bitches Yeah but we can You're being sound about it I think I'm too understanding I had some people be really nasty to me

And I'm always like listen you know Everybody's going through their own stuff and it's really tough to be a comedian I try and do that And then someone else was like You he's famous you're famous for i am more forgiven than people give me credit for to who i'm more forgiven to everyone i understand that everyone's got their their plight okay yeah if someone's a cunt to me i'm like maybe they're having a bad day i'm more forgiven than those cunts are given credit for yeah i mean i don't think i don't think you'd be held up as an example of

you're maybe held up as someone who's really stood their ground and told some people to fuck off yeah totally when they deserve it right but like i will then go do you know what maybe they didn't deserve it and then I'll apologise in my head. There you go. You've got a big apologiser. There you go. Lots of big apologiser. No, I am. If I do something wrong. You were the same

when you were coming up and you got criticised for it. Yeah. You were very... And those people who slag you off now will then eventually ask you for advice

and I'll have to get things done. It comes from fear. I'm terrified that nothing will work out and I'll end up having to do a real job. So I just want to make sure I have something. I want to get out of my dad's spare room.

Yeah. I just think there's no... Nobody's handing out golden tickets in the comedy industry anymore. Nobody's going, cool, you're on this and therefore you can tour. You do live at the Apollo.

Doesn't sell any tickets. You do any of these shows. The only one that really sells tickets now is Taskmaster. but apart from that there's no one you're there's no agent you can sign with there's no tv show you can do that's just going to solve everything so I'm just like fucking I better do something and all I know how to do is fucking subtitles you're doing everything all the time that's the only way to do it that That fear is a healthy thing and it got us doing daily podcasts during COVID. That was some kind of psychosis as well.

That was us going, oh shit, we're about to lose everything. The one thing we can do. That was just all driven through fear, wasn't it? Fuck, we've lost our jobs. Have you watched any of those old lockdown locking, lockdown, like the shutdown daily clips, Pat? Yeah, I've watched a few

because you are so much thinner and I am so much fatter it's really really funny it's really funny all changing very soon boys are you getting on I'm getting the old

diet products out we're going fucking space food are you going Cambridge weight plan yeah are you really yeah it's time

what's the Cambridge weight plan it's time it's like Weight Watchers, but for toddies. Right. Uncle Tito don't like that. You have to go four A's at your A levels. It's like Slimfast.

It's like a better quality Slimfast. So it's like you go to meetings? You go to a meeting with one person, you get a date. I mean, I'm not going to do that, but a meeting With one person You get a I mean I'm not gonna do that But Who's the person What Who's the

John Cambridge The fellow in Wednesday You're You're You're consultant You go and do a one on one It's not like Fat Fighters Where you go and do a group

Mandy's had cake Fat bitch It's It's a You still get that But they're not there She slags people off behind their back imagine you're doing great what kind of consultant do you think you respond well to aggressive

scouser please you're a fuck on get back on them eat your fucking space food you fat what what's your what's your advice that makes you fat uh what like what's your one food that is really you're like you're uh mate i can end a day and look back what i've eaten that day and it's all carbohydrate based like every part of every meal is carbohydrate because you're quite picky about like yeah and through that fuzziness i've become like it just becomes beige salty cardboard i had that that is not good when you're 41 it's gotta stop eating salty cardboard i went vegan for like six months and i assumed that just because i thought like i'll do a health kick so i'll go vegan and the number of potato waffles that i ate is fucking unbelievable i'd put weights on if i went vegan 100 yeah because i just be

eating chips all the time yeah like i just be eating chips all the time. Yeah. I'd just be eating chips for breakfast. Hang on. I think I'm a vegan. I'm nearly a vegan. You're vegetarian, bro. Just through laziness. Just through laziness.

Laura just will not cook for me. She's just... She's like... You are a fucking absolute food paedophile, aren't you? And also, it's 2022, and I'm a grown man, and I shouldn't be expecting a woman to make my tea but no but it's not

expecting a woman to make your tea it's expecting Laura to make your tea it's not just any woman it's your wife I just want someone to do the bit that I hate

which is the making food then I'd eat better I think I cooked last night late last night I made myself some chicken wraps Laura made your food

yeah oh that's weird. Imagine if she came round to make you some food. I'm making salmon and veggies tonight. You cooked for me recently and you freaked out about how many sausages I ate? Because you were a fucking absolute animal. Well, you're making up for that six months of being a vegan

by eating all the sausages known to man. Yeah, but I didn't think it was that many. I had five sausages. It's five? I will not relinquish my right to eat five sausages. That's Uncle Tito's way. Three is the optimum, surely, for a sausage. Well, Adam said that.

That's what I said. Is there always optimum levels of sausage? Yes, three. In regards to hunger? There was three of us. On size of sausage? There was three of us in the house. Sausages come in packs of six.

So I got two packs of sausages. There was 12 sausages available. In my head, I was like, I'll cook nine of these, right? So I went, how many do you want? And he said four. And I was like, right, well, I might as well just cook them all.

Give everyone four. And then I'll obviously leave one. And he ate all of his sausages and then asked if he could have the leftover other sausage. I mean, sausages are better than bacon. What was that other... There's no need for that.

What are we doing? What's that other sausage for? Is that just the reserve sausage? Is that the sub sausage? What do you mean? Is that the salsa sausage? What do you mean? Why did you make them all just to have one spare?

Because otherwise it's just going on the bin. It goes in the freezer. It's worth saving three sausages, but it's not worth saving two. He's right, because three is a meal. So when someone goes, can I have that sausage? Is it that?

No, no, no, no. So there was 12 sausages, right? GCSE maths lesson here, right? 12 sausages, right? Three people in the house. Everyone gets four sausages each. Hang on. Three times four.

12. That works out. So far, that checks out. So normally I would just give everyone three, but because he wanted four. Hang on, that's nine. Leave it. Yeah, okay.

Because he wanted four, I thought I'll just give everyone four. You've gone four, three, three. And then people can just leave one or two depending on how many sausages they want. You went four, four, four. Right? Because if he'd have just wanted three, I'd have just cooked nine and cellophane the other three and

put them back in the fridge but you double asked me you double asked me because you you you said is three sausages okay and i paused and went yeah and you went do you want four and i went yeah yeah but you actually wanted five because you fucking seemed aghast at four. Yeah, because four is just... It's too many sausages. Four is worse than five. Listen, I'm not an expert in sausages, but if he'd had 27 in a row, one after the other,

or stuck five up his arse... He's not Carl's ma. I just don't... Hang on. That is Vittorio Angeloni. That's Uncle Tito. Oh, do you not want the graphic for the YouTube? Can you have Uncle Tito instead of Vittorio Angeloni?

The sausage king of Belfast. That's the new Uncle Tito. Uncle Tito, the sausage king of Belfast. He does, sounds gay, doesn't he? He doesn't get along with the naughty Muslims. I'm going to change my website

to uncleTito.com forward slash shows for decades. Oh man, see, five sausages isn't that many sausages. I think that's like, you are a bit of a maverick though,

Uncle Tito, aren't you? Because you're wearing a girl's Christmas nightie. Just show everyone this t-shirt. You're like, fuck this. So Vittorio arrived before Uncle Tito turned up and he was like, oh, look at my fucking shirt. I'm Uncle Tito. What are you talking about?

I'm the sausage king of Belfast, you fucks. Listen to Uncle Tito's story time. Oh, I'm wearing a shirt. What am I, a fucking mooly? Vittorio is like moly it's not the racism vittoria is that a racist term it's not sure for the racist term yeah moly mulan no i don't think you meant that what about pinocchio what am i pocahontas over here? Forget about it. And then he went, I took my t-shirt in

because it's too long. He then untucked it to reveal what is definitely a woman's nightie. And when we say a woman, we mean a 13-year-old woman slash child. I thought it was just

a really long t-shirt. Stand up and untuck your t-shirt. No, untuck your nightie. I bought it from a vintage website, right? So I didn't go into a shop I'm telling you There'll be women watching this

That went to Euro Disney in 2003 And went fuck me I got that at Euro Disney So it was just Unfairly That's not from Euro Disney that's from Florida Because it's got Disney World on it Oh sorry yeah That

That cannot... Guys, that cannot be a T-shirt, can it? It's not a T-shirt. That is definitely a knife. The shoulders aren't wide enough to match the length. You look like you've got your boyfriend's top on. But Americans are fat. I just thought it was like fat Americans.

No, but it's not wide, is it? It's just long. Yeah, Americans are long. Honestly, you thought it belonged like fat Americans. No, but it's not wide, is it? It's just long. Yeah, Americans are long. I thought it belonged to a basketball player. It's a shikino nails t-shirt. You look like a slag right now. Look at you. See up your leg.

Look at you. Wait, sorry. Here you go. Oh, you're having a difficult period. I can't tuck this back in without undoing my dresser. I saw your pants before. You have white fronts on? I don't.

No. Are there small briefs then? I'm wearing oddballs boxers that have been rolled up by all the bunching in my nightie. But to tuck your shirt in, you had to pull your pants pretty much all the way down. Trousers, yes. Do you pull your trousers down for a wee in the urinal? No. Do your ankles?

No. No. A P1 piss. That's what you call it in belfast of what so we call your reception primary one p1 oh yeah so it's a p1 piss you pull them down around your ankles we convinced the guy on freshers week that that was how we all pissed and then he started doing it every time he went to the urinals and we all like i don't know why it was funny because we all had to do it But it was just so funny

That he was doing it And was the only one That didn't know That we were all joking He looks at Swat doesn't he I got you all Christmas presents It is Christmas It is Christmas

I'm going to be rattling today I've had too much coffee I got Cafe Nero by the way Too out of five Just I don't I don't know if he's done it on purpose

But he went for coffee And did exactly what I said Is that on purpose No No no no It's just closer Oh my god It's almost like

We fucking know you Oh my god But no The press subscription's still worth it I know But literally We were like Won't you just wander around And go to the first coffee shop?

No, but that's not what happened. That's not what happened. I was going to the coffee shop for me, Jack, and Will, so I was going to get three. I can't get three on my subscription. You get one, though. Yeah. So I had to walk and still pay for two.

It wasn't worth it. So I went to Cafe Nero. It was closer. Unbelievable. So how much did you pay to not walk? Three minutes? Yeah, it doesn't matter. Three quid. That's a pound a minute a minute that's a bargain it's very rare it's very rare that we get sort of

like completion on a bit of banter within the same episode yeah i'll always go to press you'll wonder somewhere else no i won't an hour later it's just there don't want to again i would pay five pounds as when I entered the shop That I wasn't shopping in I got a seat What? Wait wait what? Sorry what?

If you go shopping with someone You're not shopping You've got to wait I'd pay five pounds for a seat You wouldn't I would You wouldn't I hate standing around

Massage chairs I'm not in an airport Supermarket haven't You're not fucked What about in shoe shops Where they try the shoes on See that's good It's got places to sit

Okay yeah But other places I hate just it's got places to sit okay yeah but other places I hate just I love I love any places to sit yeah I hate that I don't agree

that's what I mean it's so shit sitting down is the best thing in the world do you remember before phones when you had to go shopping like that and you're like

you just had to stand there and think no your own thoughts I don't remember that oh I do you're old awful times

as in what to buy well you'd just you'd be shopping and with like you didn't have a smartphone to just scroll through like pre what 2008 where you just had to stand there there's nowhere to sit down so have you gone out with your mates so you go like the pictures with your mates and you got there and they weren't there what would you do oh just go home oh yeah you mean late 90s landline the landline there what would you do oh just go home oh yeah you mean late 90s landline the landline rules what would you do if you're meeting your mates but they

weren't there oh yeah you you'd have to go to a pay phone to ring their house and what if they weren't in the house and you'd if they were on the way if it wasn't one well yeah you're screwed you just had to there was a lot of there was a lot of fingers crossed with meeting people it's mad how quickly that's changed and you had to if you were trying to finger a bird you'd have to speak to her

fucking parents to speak to her because they they shouldn't be there I mean I'm cutting to the chase a little bit yeah

I still remember that slightly where when I forgot what like the man's homework was I would have to phone the landline before we had

mobile phones and be like oh is Finn there can I can you put him on the phone and that stressed me out too much i get really bad anxiety with phone calls right i don't like phone calls i had a parent into that text me yeah yeah no so if you have a voice if you were trying to crack onto a girl i'm talking about being 16 17 and she was like here's my number it was her family and other people could listen in on the line well i mean maybe but usually it would be her mum or her dad who were answering first like so you're saying you don't like calls you're just 16 17 you're horny you just like you fancy a girl and you have to deal with

the cringe of speaking to someone's i met a a girl once. This was not that long ago. It was very traditional. I asked her, could I have her number? And she gave me her dad's number and said, you'll have to ring him and ask him to speak to me. Yeah. Uh-huh.

What? I had to ring your dad and then ask, could he put Amy on? Yeah, Amish Amy. Yeah, you had to work on a farm for three months just to see one tit. You had to milk a cow just to see her tits

yeah tit for tit in the Amish quarter have you ever been to Liverpool's Amish quarter oh December that was good it was what

tit for tit nice thanks thanks everyone did you ever have this is posthumous oh yeah for sure did you ever have like

weird dads that would answer the phone and be like what are your intentions with my daughter I just had one Oh yeah for sure Did you ever have like Weird dads That would answer the phone and be like What are your intentions with my daughter I just had one You just had one weird dad What doing bad banter Yeah you'd rather just straight down the line Grumpy dad

Yeah I'll put it on Oh yeah Exactly how I'm going to be Oh Looking like a vocal by Rebecca yeah it's all stressful for everyone i'm definitely gonna be that dad by the way i am gonna be that already yeah i know i know it in my heart i have one girl's dad threatened me while he fed me chicken soup what this is a mafia film he he made a chicken soup like a big fucking bastard of a chicken soup as well like it had a fucking full chicken in it do you know i mean like the

full carcass and all that yeah so much meat and i like she only she lived with her mum and his stepdad so i'd met them loads and she didn't see her dad that often but like she's like my dad's a bit scary and not like you'll meet him at some point and she's like he's making a soup on sunday come around and have some soup and literally while smiling and literally ladling he's like just so you know like i'll always treat you like a son while you're with her if you ever hurt her you will go missing yeah you are the soup you see what the soup is an ex-boyfriend try a lovely bit of Marcus Marcus

Marcus no that went for an ex a boy's name it had a carcass in it that's probably what you got rhymes with Marcus rhymes with Marcus

biggest patron in the UK Marcus rhymes with carcass did I say there was a carcass in this? Oh, Marcus. Marcus the carcass. Do you want any Christmas presents? Yeah. Did that happen, by the way, Adam?

Mine was... Yeah, it actually did. All right, okay. I know the girl. Do you know the girl? Yeah. Yeah. Envy.

Yeah. She's stocky. Yeah. Ooh, my one feels good Hey Mine doesn't feel Ow Mine doesn't feel

I'm Uncle Dino I got my sack too empty here Right who's going first Finn looks disappointed I didn't get him one Oh He did I got Steve on though

Who's going first Carl you're going first Did you actually get Steve on Oh Finn When will you stop being The victim of this podcast who's going first Carl you're going first oh Finn when will you stop being the victim of this podcast I don't know if I can

open this because I don't want to cause the I don't know what it is what is it it's old fame huh it's what

it's a nice classic football top long sleeve oh my god long sleeve Celtic top MTL I used to own that

I used to own that kit. I used to own that shirt. I'm not even messing around. Do you have a preference on which order we open them in? Go for... Dan's is just nice. Yours is funny. I'll go nice then.

So why didn't I get a nice one? That's fucking sick. Thank you so much. Oh, you little sweetie. Yeah, yeah. I knew you wouldn't print it yourself. So I just got him a nice one. Did you get that this morning? Yeah. Yeah, it's there, isn't it? What? Lush. Yeah, yeah. I knew you wouldn't print it yourself. So I just got him a nice... Did you get that this morning?

Yeah. Yeah, it's there, isn't it? What? Lush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think you need to fucking chill out, man. I got the... The candle.

Because he's always so fucking wired. That's me and Laura. He's got me a book called Women Don't Owe You Pretty. And they don't do you know what they owe you other things it's gonna be

it's really really irresponsible to buy that before this show because he's not gonna be able to put that down before the arena where's Adam

he's gonna be on stage he's reading the game changing book that every woman needs women don't owe you pretty is the ultimate book for anyone who wants to challenge the outdated narrative supplied to us by the patriarchy, which doesn't exist.

It will teach you how to protect your energy. Protect your energy? Turn your lights off. Tell you that you are the love of your own life, sad old cat women, and today is a wonderful day to dump them. Cool. Florence Given, sounds like a twat, is here to remind you that you owe men nothing,

least of all pretty. I've never disagreed with the blame of a book so much in my entire life. Women don't owe us pretty. They can be as ugly as they like, and I will stand by that. Did you get Finn a gift? I did, yeah.

Good, because I was pissed off. I did get Finn a gift. Well, we had our, like, we've got our little falling out from the restaurant. He got you short. I was 100%. No, I didn't. I was pissed off for you there, by the way.

Oh. Is this some sort of racism? Yeah. Let's check all the focuses. Leopard print on the inside. Oh, my God. Roasted red pepper hummus. Oh, my God.

I just smashed that lap. Unbelievable. And four chocolate eclairs. Oh, my God. They didn't have churros. roasted red pepper hummus unbelievable and four chocolate eclairs they didn't have churros it's the nearest thing but I got him hummus because he's from there hummus

Florence has done a little he's so angry at the feminism book do you want to know something funny she's an illustrator i'm gonna read the what's this called it's like the blurb and it's a prelude more than four words here mate florence given marcus she slash hair she given florence given she's sister she slash hair is a UK-based artist and writer. In 2019, Florence was named Cosmopolitan's Influencer of the Year. Prestigious.

She has been interviewed on BBC Breakfast. Ooh, who hasn't? To discuss the stigma around being single. And NBC News to discuss the campaign she led against fatphobic show Insatiable. She has also worked alongside Always on their hashtag end period poverty campaign, which I agree with, and her post... Fair is fair, Florence. And her post received more than 200,000 likes.

Oh, put that in the forward. I know, it's too funny, isn't it? With each like resulting in a free sanitary product for those in need. Oh, wow. How many retweets? A fearless book, says Cosmopolitan. An incredible mouthpiece

for modern intersectional feminism. Tag called with that. For grammar. Game-changing, say Diva magazine. for modern intersectional feminism. Is that called women, Matt? For God's sake. Game-changing, say, Diva magazine. We all read that. It is all on side. A vital read, empowering, says the Gay Times. That's like five from the Scotsman.

What do FHM think? That's why I want to know. Is it all on side? He's building up to that. Horse and hounds, the next one. Lord is shy. It's not even about that horse and hounds the next one load of shite it's not even about fucking horses

or hounds top gear there's no cars in it and she's not even got her tits out rallying radical and pitched perfectly for her generation

says the evening standard and an accessible exploration of feminism built around the historic and modern expectations of women. And that's from a production called Living Etc.

Can I ask you a question, Uncle Tito? Yeah. Did you actually go into a bookshop and buy this or did you just nick this from your missus? I ordered it online, but I've previously bought it because my missus wanted it so I bought her it but then she started using points from it against me

and I don't think you should be able to if I bought you the book. You've got to be careful what you buy women. If I bought you the book you can't use the points from the book against me. I agree. Buy your own fucking book. You know what I mean? Okay I'm going to read out the

We gave you your rights. You know what I mean? Okay, I'm going to read out the... We gave you your rights. You can't use those rights. There's 21 chapters, like all the classics. He's stuck in a fucking group. Story time with Adam. I'm just going to read out the titles of the contents page. Adam's feminist learning.

Yes, here we go. Chapter one is called Feminism is Going to Ruin Your Life in the Best Way Possible, which doesn't make any fucking sense. Hold on. Oh, we like fluent. Get in.

My favorite thing is that she's an illustrator and she wrote a book. Stick to color. What a stupid woman. Number two, Women Don't Owe You Pretty. That's the title track. Carl is a dangerous mic to have live during this whole thing. stick to colouring what a stupid woman number two women don't owe you pretty but Carl's

Carl is a dangerous Mike to have live during this whole thing number three as he gets bored with this he'll go further and further

down the line just fucking burn women okay right number three chapter four is you are the love of your own life

which if it's true I mean what a sad reality and number four is how to break up with yourself sounds like a complicated relationship with masturbation doesn't it number five is refuse to find comfort in other women's flaws that sounds like that chapter's done so that's like going oh she's a fat bitch stop I'm not stop bitching stop being like well

my tits are tiny but hers are even smaller don't be doing that classy I'm sick of hearing you can't walk down the street without hearing that women like

I've got tiny tits but they're minuscule sort of awful that's a classic loose women line number six are they intimidating or am I intimidated I mean it could be both

number seven stop scrolling in the mornings. I think that means fingering. That's not bad advice. Yeah, that's quite good, that one. I agree with that. Stop scrolling in the mornings. I mean, I'm not going to.

You'd be a better feminist if you'd stop scrolling in the mornings. You're always on about everyone's tiny tits. I'm not. I like tiny tits. Number eight. He's such a feminist. Yeah, you're nice. Have whatever tits i'm not i like tiny tits uh number eight oh he's such a feminist yeah you're nice i have whatever tits you want that's the name of adam's book are you gonna do like a diss track like reply book i don't want no number eight is protect your energy and when it costs a living crisis

who can argue with that uh number nine, to date or not to date. Which comedian did you just channel? Come see your dad. Turn that off. Get away, you've got a big light on. Number 10, maybe it's a girl crush, maybe you're queer This is so rude

Stop scrolling at Lesley Porn You massive Les You're not a feminist You're a Les This is literally Too many different facets Of woman porn

That's only half Of the content Oh Christ Number 11 Love sex Hate sexism And never fake an orgasm You don't need

Fake orgasms for men Women think they do Need to do that Do you know why They do No they don't I'd rather go It's not happening

I'd go okay We'll try next time Oh no 100% I'd rather Oh such a fragile ego Oh yeah Rather than her just go Oh your fucking face

You know like Don't say that I don't want that I'd rather I just went, no, it's not going to happen for me. You can do you. Sex is so shit when you're a man, isn't it? Because you're disappointed when they don't come

and you're disappointed in yourself when you do come. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm really happy with myself when I come. Nailed it. That's another one for the books. In a superman situation.

After a wank. I've never faked an orgasm. Next chapter. Even to make a woman happy. I don't know why they do it, to try and make her unhappy. It doesn't make me happy. I know when they're faking it,

I can tell. There's a look in their eyes. Amazing thing to say to a woman after she's just come. Liar. You're a liar and a cheat. Stop strolling in the morning, you lesbian. He's got the bullshit barrel next to his fucking bed.

Not even believable. Horse and hound. That's my review. Stick that in your forward. Open your eyes No I'm gone Oh my head hurts What's the next one If it's not a fuck yes

It's a no God knows what that's about Number 13 Oh my god knows what that's about That's Ronaldo That's Ronaldo Number 13 What did she expect Going out like that Oh that's whoa that sounds that's in quote

marks though i think that's going to be about sexual assault yeah do you know what i'm on your team there uh felicity florence old tiny tit i don't think chapter 13 is going to be the most fun number 14 women do not exist to satisfy the male gaze. I thought that- Gaze with a Z. I mean, she's right on both counts. Women do not exist to satisfy the gaze. I mean, they'd have a fucking tough job if they didn't.

Those tits aren't tiny enough. Number 15, stop putting people on a pedestal. Not a fan of the F1. Number 16, life's short. Hey! pedestal not a fan of the f1 number 16 life short hey it's gonna find me f1 hey i said turn that light on hey one two three take my wife one two three champagne for that joke number 16 is life short dump them oh i don't think this woman's very happy you don't have to get married and in brackets no really of course you don't have to get married doesn't mean you shouldn't honestly that that chapter would do really well with a book aimed at men wouldn't it you have to get married if you don't want. Yeah. You sound. Yeah. Tell us to shut up whinging and enjoy

just being a couple. That's Adam's chapter one. Just watch the F1 from before. Number 18, stop assuming. I agree with that because when you assume,

you make an ass out of you and me. I learned that from a film. Number 19, an ass. An arse. An arse. An arse. Number 19. Arse. Arse. Arse shoes. Number 19.

Stop arse-human. Didn't he play for arse? Number 19 is just... Andre Arse-human. You make a dick out of yourself or something like that. Number 19 is just called accountability. That'll probably be about,

oh, don't be whinging when you could do something yourself. Number 20 is check your privilege. I've checked it. I'm working class. I win. Number 21. Number 21 is let that shit go i mean that is great advice if that's what she's closing out on i can agree adam's great at that let that shit go yes love i'm on it she's on florence

you've won me round love i bet you're lovely and definitely not boring get her on the pod no that'd be so funny If you had a feminist author On the podcast No Who was one of the Would you rather I'd rather We never had another guest on

And it was just The Vittorio Adam and Dan podcast With you just bringing Random books Each week Oh by the way Neil Kinnock's

On the back Warning Contains explicit content And then in brackets And a load of uncomfortable truths. It sounds like an Edgelord comedian special. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it.

Oh, you can't. You can have it off me when I'm finished with it. Should we read it together? Yeah, come on. In bed. Me and Etta are doing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the moment, but that's next on the list. Roald Dahls, they've all got a real darkness to them.

Check your privilege, you five-year-old. They've got a real darkness to them, the Roald Dahl books. He's a fucking player, Roald Dahls, they've all got a real darkness to them. Check your privilege, you five-year-old. They've got a real darkness to them, the Roald Dahl books. He's a fucking player, Roald Dahl. Yeah, I suppose so. I was terrified of the witches. I got badly bullied in primary school.

Well, the witches is pretty scary. Are they connected? They eat kids. No. The witches was pretty intense. It was fucking grim. I mean, the twits was... Isn't Thingy in that?

Mariah Carey. And what's her called? Angelica Houston. No. And where'd they come from? She's in it. The movie? No, the book.

Mariah Carey's in the book. The old, the old scary one. Yeah. They've all got horrible heads, haven't they? Yeah. What's Catwoman? Halle Berry?

Michelle Pfeiffer. Anne Hathaway, isn't she in The Witches? Oh, she's in the new one. Is she? The new one. The new one? But the old one, every Thursday in

primary school in year five, primary six for us, was we got to choose a movie and the class would

vote over what VHS tapes we had. And first week they put on The Witches and I had a

panic attack and had to leave the witches And I had a panic attack And had to leave the room Because I found it so scary But then every week For the rest of the year The whole class banded together And voted for the witches I love those classmates

It's fantastic work Just to And then I didn't watch it I just watched you I had to leave And go do worksheets Every Thursday

I know the teacher They can stop it No I don't know what was going on I feel like the teacher Should have removed that From the library. What are you watching this week, class?

The Witches again. Not a problem at all. Uncle Tito going out on his own again. It's pretty scary though. I was terrified of the Michael Jackson. When they all start scratching their heads, they take their wigs off. They don't have toes.

Kids think to shit, don't they? I was terrified of the Michael Jackson thriller video. Yeah. i went and hid in the bathroom and cried every time i came on the music channel yeah it's proper scary and his eyes are all yellow when you're a kid i still haven't watched the witches it's a sneak preview of the arena It's a sneak preview of the arena That's a gay basketballer I told you I was scared of the BBC theme tune What?

Which one? The scary one Get it on The girl No Oh she was a terrifying bitch Go on YouTube and type in, be scared.

No more using sexist language. It's not a sexist language. Bitches. God, you've learned a lot. It's a gendered term. Call a man a bitch. From the content. You've learned a lot from the content

and the forward of Florence Givens shaking us. I get the vibe of it, do you know what I mean? I know what she means. I love having it up on the table as if you're like a late night American talk show And you're about to interview Florence Given It looks like you wrote the book Are you Florence Given?

It's my pen name It'd be so funny if a man had ghost written that This is terrifying You should be on the videos You have videos as a kid We're not going to get copyright No It's hard

It's terrifying me. Kyle, are you alright? I'm more scared. You're wondering that as well. And it actually is, it's yellow. Holy shit. I think the one show thing.

Show when you fall asleep and there's a video on and you wake up and it's like, yeah, I always do that, yeah. Do you know what that reminds me of? Like some Pride and Prejudice coming on, like.

No, but then you'd wake up and like, I don't know, like the loud menu music would be on repeat. Right. Do you know what that reminds me of like some pride and prejudice coming on like no but then you'd wake up and like i don't know like the loud menu music would be on repeat right do you know what i mean by that yeah yeah yeah on the dvd yeah oh right we're all just gonna have to say a word for it it doesn't seem scary but obviously when i was a kid mate why did that what happened to you i knew with a harp like a harp? Like, what did someone fuck you with a harp? No, I was well aware that everyone who worked in the BBC was a paedophile. Right, and you just got...

I was like, whoa, this production company also harbours paedophiles. Harvest paedophiles? No, harbours. Harbours, I was going to say. And I was a young child.

You knew. Yeah, and I was scared of Father Christmas and I've told you before. I got terrified of the Little Mermaid when I went to Disneyland. Not this, but like... I went to Disneyland. Not this,

but like, I went to Disney World actually in America and I like, had a panic attack. Got the T-shirt to prove it. But I, I had a panic attack

when I saw the Little Mermaid and then I thought Eeyore looked so sad that I ran over and gave him a hug. Oh, did you have a lot of panic attacks when you were a kid? Yeah, I was agoraphobic.

Couldn't make it out of the house for like a few months. How old were you? Nine and ten. Hard work being a bright kid, innit? What the fuck was I anxious about? I don't know. I love being just the right amount of thick. It was great.

No panic attacks here. Just a good level of stupid what year were you born 96 2006 what happened then italy won the world cup oh it's terrifying i actually did because i was a liverpool fan when i was a kid i went to bed at half time of istanbul good rough do you know what happened no do. Did he run? On penalty? AC? No, Liverpool. What? On penalties.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as Didi Hamann didn't score it, I'm happy enough. No, he changed the game. No, no one said it was Jedi, but it wasn't. It was actually Didi Hamann. Come on, you'll give him another panic attack. Shall we have a little break? I've got some reading to do.

You can borrow that off me if you want when I'm done with it alright cool pages be stuck together though she's cute hi guys now it's time to tell you about one of my

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Let's land this, mother. You just mentioned the film Home Alone, and genuinely, I found a porno the other day called Ho Malone. Home Alone. Yeah. Ho called Malone. Post Malone. Where did you find that?

What? Pornhub.com. Oh, right on the internet. I was scrolling. If you think of any Like title of any piece of art There's a porn parody of it There's a porn called

The Tale of Two Titties Schindler's Fist Must be 100% Gangbangs of New York 101 Dalmatians Cocks I don't know why that got me

Rough Rough That was the forward Okay Sex story story two Pleasure Island Okay I'm up it's Christmas Carol getting gang banged Carol's the one Okay Sex story story 2 Pleasure Island Okay I'm up for Christmas

Carol getting gang banged Carol's the one The orgasm of Emily Rose What? The orgasm of Emily Rose That's good Paranormal activity Lost in jizz

It's the same film Two girls one cup The Grand Budapest brothel. It'd be pooler, wouldn't it? It doesn't work if you just change the one word film names. Have you seen the sexy jaws? Jizz. Seven sexopaths.

Eight psychopaths. Craig Freeman says Wag wag lids Got a foodie question For you all Christmas day a few years ago Had a few fucking booners I was in the kitchen Just throwing something together

To eat Just one second I just interrupted you there As soon as I finish saying What I'm about to say I want you to carry on Reading this question Italians don't know

How to make pizza Carry on Whoa hey whoa hey Whoa whoa hey I'm walking here Hey come. Whoa, hey, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, hey. I'm walking here. Hey, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, hey. Italian-Americans, yeah.

But in Italy, yous are all fucking idiots. He means Neapolitan shite. You know that Neapolitan floppy shit yous do? Floppy. The good stuff. The good stuff. Otter shite of the highest order. Pizza should hold its form,

and you should be able to pick it up and put it in your mouth without and I should never need a knife and fork for a pizza your people have ruined pizza

what do your people make fucking stew that they call something different oh my god scouse goes off me don't even bother what are you on about scouse with crusty bread

shoes and what is scouse what what is scouse it's a stew made in Liverpool it shits all over pizza that's so fucking Italian pizza that's the most scouse? What? What is scouse? It's a stew made in Liverpool. It shits all over pizza. That's so fucking... Italian pizza.

That's the most scouse thing ever. It's like, oh yeah, we make stew, but it's fucking different. It is. It's better. What?

Yeah. Yeah, it's also the fact they call it scouse as well. After themselves. Yeah. It's called me. Yeah.

What about Lancashire hot pot? Yeah. You should fucking talk that, didn't you? It's just been a dick. It's just a hot Yeah. What about Lancashire hot pot? Yeah. You should fucking talk that, didn't you? It's just been a dick. It's just a hot pot, isn't it? You might have got,

honestly, after a night out, you see loads of girls like, yeah, I need some scouse and crusty bread. Yeah, but you don't see people

on a night out going to get an ear poll at pizza and be like, uh. Do you know what? You love the pizza. What a wonderful night we've had there.

We're all rotten drunk. Get the knife and fork out and let's tuck into our pizza Italians don't use a knife and fork on pizza Right okay So how do you see the floppy shite you're putting together With your hands? What like all this?

Two hands for No just believe in yourself No bollocks It's honestly the worst thing on the planet What sparked this? Did you get a fucking Dr. Utker restaurant Do you know what it is like? Do you know what it is like?

For years It's not the taste by the way For years It's not the taste No it's not the taste by the way for years not the taste no it's not the taste it's just the way it holds for years he's angry with gravity living over here we've been living over here right making pizzas for centuries right and they've held their form you get it from a takeaway you slice it you pick it up you put it in your mouth lovely wonderful stuff and recently the italians are coming over and opening these Neapolitan pizza and they're all fucking shite

and I just wanted to be said that you don't know what you're doing and you've ruined pizza for the rest of the world have you had pizza in Italy? I've never been to Italy, why would I go anywhere near that god forsaken you're eating some fucking spoof in Turkish land it's the same

it's the same Adam, in, no, no. It's the same. Hey, hey. It's the same, Adam. In Turkey, it all falls off the end. No. You're eating some spoofer in Liverpool. No, I had it in Italy, and it's the same. It falls off the end still. You have to do this. Carl, it tasted good, though, didn't it?

It tastes lovely, yeah. Yeah, it tastes good. Yeah, and you don't feel like going into a coma afterwards because it's proper. It's not like all that mad chemicals and all. Coma. Chemicals? What?

Cheese, mate. Yeah. Don't put enough cheese on your pizzas, either. What? It's just two tomatoes. It's not like all that mad chemicals and all. Como. Chemicals? What? Cheese, mate. Yeah. Don't put enough cheese on your pizzas either. What? It's just two tomatoes. It's bollocks. And you put actual tomatoes.

Actual tomatoes, imagine. Yeah. Sun-dried. They are heavy like. It's shite. And your people need to know. You can't even make lasagna properly.

What? Fucking pasta cake. And what's al dente? Pasta cake. Al dente is a salient for undercooked. Cook the pasta properly. No means to al dente? Al dente is Italian for undercooked. Cooked pasta properly. No means to the tooth.

Bollocks. You just need to take a lesson from the West. In Italian. We're so in the West. Italy's in the West. Fair the West. It's like one of the most farthest West parts of Europe. All that recent immigration from Italians.

They've just constantly coming over. How did that happen? I don't know, but it's happening. Oh, it's happening all the time. He's seen one footballer move over on a transfer and gone... He's been to one hipster Italian restaurant that has no Italian people working there.

These fucking Italians coming over here recently. On Bald Street. Oh, the fake... It's called Cross. Oh, Cross does great. And it's run by a man who's a Napoli fan and he's a cool fucking as well. Exactly.

And it's shite. No, I know. I actually like Cross. Oh, my God. Do you do a pizza wrap? It's great. All right, he'll forget cool fucker as well. Exactly. And it's shite. No, I know. I like it. I actually like crust. Oh my God. Do you do a pizza wrap? It's great. All right. He'll forget about this opinion

in one week. Don't worry about it. This is the, this is the Pret-a-Manger Nero coffee thing. I can't believe you didn't get a needle after that.

Oh, it's so perfect. Well, I have a word after this one. All right. Craig Ferryman says, Christmas Day a few years ago, I had a few beers and was in the kitchen just throwing something together to eat. I got a cheesy tuck biscuit, put some leftover turkey topped

with Branston pickle, and it may be the best thing I ever stumbled across. Has something like that ever happened to you lot? What's the weirdest combo of food you've ever stumbled across? Something that really shouldn't work but just does well the classic is your Mackey's chips

and your Mackey's milkshake innit for child catchers so stupid I know but but it does weirdly sort of work it works

you'd love that as a pizza because it's like it would stand up or whatever yeah also donut burgers no no do you like fresh

donuts from like a donut van like the hot ones using that donut as the bun for a burger i think i just put weight on hearing about it i i swear to lucifer if you tried that you'd love it is it glazed uh no is it, what's it like? It's like the ones from the van. They give me dicks. It's insane. That's completely insane. It's fucking delicious.

I said this when I looked at, this was years ago. And five sausages is mad? That is mad. Four is mad. I'm not having five donuts. You're having a donut burger. Yeah. So there was a place called Red's True Barbecue. It's not there anymore, but there's a few other places that do it. And I went in and I was like, what do you a donut burger Yeah So there was a place called Red's True Barbecue

It's not there anymore But there's a few other places That do it And I went in and I was like What do you mean donut burger And the fella come over And he was like Well what do we do

We have the donut Where is he from Sliced in half What Where is he from Tagsworth Nearly That would have been great

If we said the same word We sliced the donut in half And then we use that As the bun And it has the burger And the juices And the cheese And the cheese And the bacon

All that What do you need A fresh pussy Green pussy I was like It sounds ridiculous mate It sounds ridiculous I love it

And he went I have to chew He said to me He goes You trust me You have it You don't like it You're free

Have it for free So I got it A no win no fee burger yeah yeah it's i mean there are some combos that i'm not accepting when they started putting um is it cheeseburger in the in the dough with pizzas you know stuffed you know stuffed crust when they started putting like they did a sausage the whole way around that yeahino's one Yeah come on Not into it It's too soft The one I've been

I've offered up here And I got roundly Attacked for Was the mint yoghurt On pizza The attack Fruit I guess it's similar

Like a garlic and herbs It is a It is kind of I was a listener then I was actually going Do you know what I want to try it It sort of works

It's dependent on the pizza It sort of works I did get called a A paedophile i made a pulled pork's fucked off i was a good him it was a good couple of years yeah it was the meat you of food yeah had a great season and a half and then went back to rayo valicana so you are the next time a waitress asks me or waiter asks me would you like your burger medium or well done

I swear to god I'm going to go and get some water and just tip it over the head so that's technically not a salt I'm just going to wet them isn't that

I don't think so wetting people isn't a salt because burgers can't be medium steak can because it hasn't been exposed to the oxygen the mincemeat in a burger is not allowed't be medium. Steak can. It hasn't been exposed to the oxygen. The mincemeat in a burger is not allowed to be medium.

And all these restaurants are just making people ill. It can be pink. It has to be well done. It can't be pink. It can. Why? It's bad for you. Is it?

It's bad for you. Is mince... If it's good quality beef, it's fine. Is it mince steak? Yeah, it's mince steak, but as soon as the steak has been exposed... What about steak tartare? What? What about steak tartare?

He doesn't like steak tartare. Raw, raw mince and with a raw egg on top. I don't think I want a burger grey all the way through, you know? Well, then you're a fool. It just tastes quite nice

with quite a bit of pink. Don't think? I don't... I listen. I'm on here for the arguments. It means I just listen. There's only one thing I like. God, that is objectively not true.

What I mean is I haven't got any on either side. I've got no dog in this race. I didn't know that. I don't know. I think you're wrong. But I have two weird food combinations.

I really like ratty break with Coco Pops mixed in. Nice. That's not weird though. I think that's alright. But then super noodles and baked beans. Oh, I agree. And a toastie. Oh, no. with cocoa pops mixed in nice that's not weird though i think that's all right but then super noodles and baked beans oh i agree and a toasting oh no no i'm out i'm out

on corn what do you mean what happens to the bread the bread would just fall apart surely you went so italian there using his b-tech in drama a level but noodles and beans works i hate that i like it as well but it does super noodles baked He went so Italian there. He's been using his B-tech in drama. It's all apart. A-level. Noodles and beans works. I hate that I like it as well, but it does work. Super noodles, baked beans. Oh, top tier comfort food. The fact that you eat either of you.

I don't even care if that works, actually. The problem I've got with it is that- You dip your chips in milkshake, don't call me. Yeah, I know. Doesn't matter. Someone told me about that. We've just told you about this. Listen, shut up a minute.

He's not one for the argument. Listen, one of you at one point's not fun for the argument. Listen, one of you at one point or both of you independently have gone, I'm going to try beans with my super noodles and that thought alone means that I don't want

to speak to either of you ever again. It's got all the food groups, carbs, protein, beans. Yeah. Beans. Put your chip in your milkshake. No, it does

because it's got the super noodles and the carbs, right? Beans are a vegetable and they're protein. The tomato-y stuff, that's a fruit. And then the seasoning is whatever the other ones are. Fibre. Dairy and fibre.

I had egg noodles. I had a couple of very weird ones when I was a child that I have no explanation for. So I used to um my mom would catch me uh dipping skips i thought you were gonna say a fish where did she catch them huh where did she catch them catch me in skips do you know the prawn cocktail flavor yeah and dipping them in like trolling raspberry fromage frais. Oh, that's wild.

Skips. What? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Skips are prawn cocktail flavor. Prawn cocktail skips. I don't even like skips anymore, but that was what I used to do. And this is definitely the Turkish in me.

I used to not have gravy on a roast dinner. Adam, you're going to want to hurt me after this. It's natural yogurt wow because it was too spicy wow eat like i've never eaten a roast and even i know that's offensive whoa nine nine nine call the police that was until the turkish police call immigration until about Turkish police Call immigration Until about age 11 And then I went And then I went on to gravy I love how we're 90

Wait wait Is it all over? Can all of you just Shut up for a minute I've got questions And I get to ask them How many kids How many bodies

All over Yeah mainly in the orchards In the orchards. In the orchards? You're lying. You're talking shit. You've conspired with some cunt here to try and wind me up. There is no way we have spoken about roast dinners

as much as we have for the past two years and you have never brought this up. And just now, out of nowhere, you're bringing this up. Oozing on it. Oozing on it. Oozing on it. There is no way you used to fill your orchards up with natural yog oozing on it, oozing on it. There is no way you used to fill your Yorkshires up

with natural yogurts. I'm not fucking having it. You're talking shit. You would cover your roast potatoes and your meat of a roast dinner in natural yoghurt. And if there wasn't enough yoghurt on it, I'd have a bit of yoghurt on the side and I dip in. Pedophile Muller corner.

Yeah. And he used to put his- Not like Muller. And he used to put his pigs and blankets in yackle onkin greek yogurt onkin adam have you never finished a roast dinner and just thought oh my god Oh my God. Oh, you absolute sex offender. It helps bones grow stronger. Oh, mate.

I love that you're messing with the road. Greek yogurt? Racist yogurt. You're a fucking racist. You can't get turkey sugar. I used to eat chips and toothpaste. Oh God, it's so good. Well, essentially, yogurt was my ketchup.

I was putting it on everything. So any kind of meal we had, I still do it. I do still do it occasionally. With some meals, yogurt is the perfect company. Do you have a bacon buddy with yogurt on it? Hang on, what's Tzatziki's?

Tzatziki's got yogurt. Tzatziki's, mint and yogurt. Tahini? Tahini yogurt. Hang on. Answer this question. What? Do you ever have bacon bussy?

No. With yogurt on. Sausage sandwich with yogurt on? Did I used to?? Do you ever have bacon butty? No. With yogurt on. Sausage sandwich with yogurt on? Did I used to? Did you used to have a bacon sandwich with yogurt on? No, no, I didn't do that. But I did have sausage and mash with yogurt. Apply with it.

There's not many. Apply with it, new producer. I'm telling you right now, there is not many things you can do with food that will anger both me and the Muslims, but that is one of them. Pathetic. food that will anger both me and the muslims but that is one of them is actually a chapter in women don't owe you pretty about like you being a fucking people yeah still i still do it occasionally with

some things do you have yogurt on its own or is that like no i don't have to do i have to say tatsiki with some stuff is quite nice so it's it's just yeah it's just gonna come with other things in it right on like gyros or like something like that but not roast beef roast beef with yoghurt

and that was very well done everything just how upset he was it was so good and he's not lying I'm not lying right should we do some other words what's the thing

what's the thing when that exists in the world what's the fucking thing do you know if you'd have said that in the job interview you would never have got home I'm just trying to have a word with Finn. Have a word with fucking Finn. Do you know if you'd have said that in the job interview, you would never have got home. When would he have closed it up?

Can you have a word with my podcast producer? Just want to let you know, this is what I've done animation-wise, and also, I do have a lot of fresh yogurt. Also, it was my girlfriend who made it.

Oh, Jesus. Awkward. Did you, genuinely, did she make the thing that you applied for? The reason for the you finn shows fucking work work smart not hard women don't owe you graphic design can i ask that was that was yeah you can yeah of course i need i have a dilemma in my life and it happened last night so So My girlfriend was in Brushing her teeth Got me to read it out

This one's from Uncle Tito Yeah I was in the bedroom And she heard A really loud Fart And shouted through to me You fucking filthy bastard

But it was next door Who farted Beautiful Through the wall Yeah We like kinda know them So I'm trying to work out But it was next door who farted Beautiful Through the wall We like kinda know them So I'm trying to work out Do we need to address at some point That my girlfriend didn't call through

And go you fucking filthy bastard To our neighbour Oh you can walk that off You can just be like Did you fart the other night John And when he's like, yeah, yeah, I did. Susan, shout through the wall

that I'm a filthy bastard. Yeah, yeah, because you are. You big filthy bastard. Anyway, see you around. Are they sound? Yeah, yeah, they're cool. It just feels like such a rough thing to hear through the wall.

We haven't spoken to them in like a week and a half. I mean, you can hear talking through the wall, can't you? No, it's really week and a half you can hear talking through the wall can't you no it's really just farts that go through that is a big fart

he does big farts to be fair man does big farts he's a big man do you fart in front of your missus yeah of course five years

I don't eleven years what do you not fart in front of serica no god I do that's why I don't need to I genuinely believe I have farted in front of Serica? No. God, I do.

That's why I don't need to. I genuinely believe I have farted in front of Serica. You might have, but like, leave some fucking romance. Do you know, right? So in a distant previous relationship of mine, the girl I was with hated it. Sorry.

If I ever farted in front of her. She was like repulsed by it. She was like, this is disgusting and you shouldn't be doing this in front of me and i was like everyone fart you can do it just it she's like no it's horrible and you shouldn't she wanted me to go out onto like the land and to fart like a dog doing a poo and then come back into the bedroom right she wanted me to do that. And I always like sort of was like, oh, you're being unreasonable about this, right? And then we broke up and I got into another relationship

and she from like date three farted in front of me. Like we were in bed for the third time ever and she just looked at me and went, hey. I went, what? And she went. And then she farted. And then she farted honestly i've never been given a taste of my own medicine that was so bitter and for the entire time in that relationship i spent trying to get here to go onto the land

and so forth yeah because just keep some roman. Like, if it happens, it happens. And like, if you smell it, you'd be like, oh, they've absolutely, but don't sit there like, ah! And then like,

put Grey's nasty back on. You paused it. Paused that. Ah! Oh God, go on, put it back on. Oh, someone's got brain cancer again.

Such a big fart. I black out a little bit. Oh, fucking hell, I've missed 20 minutes. Have you heard Sarah cut fart? No. But you have to relax around the love of your life. No, I'm not, I'm saying, but like, just, if it happens silently, you go,

oh, one of us has farted there. So it's the sound? But don't be like, Ah! Like, day three to me is like, ah! Like, you don't, you don't, like, like day three to me

is like fucking hell, like, it's just shit in my bed essentially. I was taken aback by it. Exactly. I was taken aback by it. I really was.

You're sitting there and it stinks of shit and they've gone, ha ha, I did that on purpose. Like, oh cool, sexy this,

hey, I love smelling shit. It was the confidence of it, I couldn't get over it. She just looked at me and went Hey I'm a boss man She went

Hey Billy Connolly Oh hey I'm Billy Connolly Oh just Yeah 11 years You've never intentionally Gone get on this

We're the windiest household It's so bad Everyone's just Just not Nah I've got my kids You live on a hill don't you I ask I ask before I fart

I go is it alright if I fart that's less sexy it's like asking for a kiss no it's not it is it's not can I fart

what do you expect them to say no if they say no then I go I go for a little walk because you're pissed off I'm leaving the house going for a walk

what was that I'm leaving the house I'm going for a walk that's what you sound like keep price I'm going for a walk What was that? I'm waiting for the house I'm going for a walk That's what you sound like Keep place I'm going for a walk I'm waiting for the house I will never

In a property I pay for Go for a walk To pass wind This is the thing Small flat as well Like we don't have the space To be farting Elsewhere

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with farting But don't be like Don't like Leave a bit of romance You know what I mean? Like you don't have to be fucking sitting there in a big orchestra in the bed. Yeah,

yeah, okay. But you're too far the other way on that, aren't you? You're like, you're like, yeah, there's nothing wrong with farting.

I've just never heard my girlfriend have 11 years fart. And we've never spoken about it. It's just like, what if she doesn't have 11 years? The problem with me with farting is that I often fart in my sleep and wake myself up with it.

Often. So if I'm in bed with a woman, she's just going to have to put up with that i mean sometimes i'm gonna wake both of us up what like the fart wakes me up because it's not like a fart isn't loud enough normally to wake people up but it's the vibration coming out my arsehole that wakes me up you know what i mean no you mean we've all done that there's a nuclear attack no love no but it's like have you ever seen a dog like wake up in There's a nuclear attack. No, love. No, but it's like... Have you ever seen a dog wake up in a panic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I wake up like when I fart myself awake. So I fart and I'm like... And it's that. It's that movement that wakes them up. Yeah. And then we have sex. And we fuck.

I wake up in a panic every day. Let's go. I can smell poo. Look at you You sucky fuck Go on to London Carl and Seric Are in different wings

Of their house Is that why You said What was that darling I have no idea Probably a draft Adam farts in the bed And fucks on the London

There has to be Some sacred romantic space In the house Go in the bed Doesn't matter You some sacred romantic space in the house go in the bed doesn't matter you go to fart go in the bed yeah this thing

it's not it's just not sexy or romantic and you have to keep some of that no of course it's not but not life isn't you have to keep

some of that in the relationship so if you can control it don't do it I just can't control it I just think that person is your person and you gotta just be

yeah yeah it's a person who you can relax and I'm not relaxed if I can't control it i just think that person's your person and you gotta just be yeah it's a person who you can relax and i'm not relaxed if i can't fart i started sneezing on laura's hand to be annoying and she really hates it but not enough for me to stop if i know if i know i've got a sneeze coming i'll be like babe and then hold her hand and just sneeze right onto the top of her hand. And then she goes, let's fuck. She really hates it. And then you go, fuck on my hand. And then she's like, oh my God. Right now.

It's not fair to say something. It's not just me, I'm the twat. Get here. That's what she says. That's what she says. Get here. You said you sat next to her. Get here.

Hey. We're so gross. We're so gross. But maybe you're right because you're getting more sex than me. Right,'re so gross. We're so gross. But maybe you're right, because you're getting more sex than me. You're gross. Would Laura, if you were pooing, right? In the toilet.

She's not in the room. She's on the toilet. In the toilet. Would you poo on the land then? Would she come into the bathroom if she needed to? No, I've pooed on her hand. That's a new bit we're doing. Genuinely, genuine question though.

Laura, come here. Stop. Stop being a pussy would she come in the bathroom while you're pooing no no no no no have you i've said this before i leave the door open you're not pooing and then call her to me oh yeah to trick her in the room i'm like babe she's like oh what and then she closes the door that's it she turns to james James Brown. I ask you questions just before I'm straining. Hey!

How is that not funny? Come on. Do you piss in the same room that Seneca is attending? No. What? Seneca's not had a piss for 11 years

since they've been together. He won't allow it. I do leave the bathroom. There's nobody sexy urinating. She can can piss when she's when the relationship is over carl dies in 40 years making her a widower and she does a three-week piss oh i'll miss him where's grandma she's leaving some piss no we're getting a downstairs bathroom because it's annoying

that when she's in the bath I won't go for a poo or are we yeah oh yeah it's annoying for her will you just go for a poo while I'm in the bath

by the way if you if you want privacy with the toilet you absolutely have to have two options and we're getting one next year I don't want to see

piss coming out my cock while she's in the bath just use the guest room bathroom that next year I don't want her to see piss coming out my cock while she's in the bath just use the guest room bathroom that's why we don't want two bathrooms I don't want her

to see piss coming out my cock while she's in the bath but other times it's okay that is not even crazy do you know do you know

I've never heard it it's the way you describe that it's so like overly like if you just went I don't need to I don't want to see

her watch me piss but you're like I don't want to see urine coming out of the hole in my penis yeah I don't want to be in the bathroom

and hear the toilet tissue get broken off the roll to be fair if I never heard Laura piss again I'd be dead happy that sound it's not fun is it it they dribble don't they no it's not the dribble it's the I just I'm um it sounds like someone's emptying a coffee machine

sometimes women piss oh it's freaky when women piss And then he pees. And then he pees. Just have a loan. That's how you know a woman needs a toilet. Get us in the toilet now! Just having a loan time in the toilet. If it's in the bath, hold in, or shit in the garden. Fact. No judgment here. Have you announced a serica when you're going for a poo?

No, but it's kind of known. By a letter. Of course it's known, because you're longer, aren't you? But do you not be like, do you say, I'm going to the toilet? Yeah, if I'm going for the weebly, I'll nip out what you know,

but I'm just going, I'm going to go to the toilet. I think if you say, I'm going to the toilet. Do you do it? That is fucking, yeah. Do you tell her or do you instruct solicitors

to let her know? Madam. Serve her a paper. I'm just going to the toilet, pause it. You know what I mean? That's a pause. I'm going for five minutes, 10 minutes.'m just going to the toilet Pause it You know what I mean That's a pause You know I'm going for like Five minutes

Ten minutes Do not come into the toilet And see your And coming out of my penis Into the toilet And if I'm in the shower You can come in That's fine

So you're just a bit more You're a bit more private Yeah but I'm getting A downstairs bathroom Do you know as much as I'm loving Taking the piss out of you You're probably having More sex than me

So you're doing it right I'm there sneezing On Laura's hand Going why are you not Having more sex than me keep it romantic and sexy keep all your spit has she seen your bum hole she should have actually yeah she should have i keep sending royal mailer on strike so no it's on the fridge behind the mic. Has she seen his bum hole? Yeah, she's been around there. She's been around there.

She's been around there, you know. Has Laura seen your arsehole? I mean, Anzo's. Pardon? Has Laura seen your arsehole? Not with intent. At a festival? It's not a second-degree arsehole viewing.

I want to check that, but I reckon Sarah can see i reckon it was a yellow card it wasn't a red it was sarah has seen his arsehole with intent laura's seen mine but but you know on her part yeah but she's never been without no did you do that setup trick where you say it's impossible to do 10 setups blindfolded have you ever seen that no it's impossible to convince a say it's impossible to do 10 setups blindfolded. Have you ever seen that? No. It's impossible. When, like, stackers, you convince a guy it's impossible to do 10 setups blindfolded, then you blindfold them and someone just throws their ass over their head and they just fucking headbutt the bumhole. I'd just give her a flash. Of the bumhole?

You know, oh, yeah, if you have a new dressing gown. You can't flash your bumhole. Flash it'll be fast. You've got to spread the cheeks and spin it. Oh, yeah. As Sharon Stoner. Yeah, unless you're walking the room backwards. All rightura enjoying those cocoa pops and she's like disney nighty without intent though my girlfriend wants us this is why i asked my girlfriend wants to see my bum

hole but um that's my line no just show no bum hole Why? Mine She's Mine That's the only It's all I've got left in the world Would you not like us to lick your bum hole? No Oh it's great I know

I'm too guilty about that Has she put planning permission Into her little bum hole lick? No And you refused it No she doesn't want to do that She just wants to have a lick No there's no

There's absolutely no woman on this planet who wants to look at a bumhole and not lick it. What, is she checking for worms? What? No, they love a bit of fucking valet. Yeah. Or is it valet? No, they don't.

Which one's the part? They want to park. Valet. Give me the keys. The Mexican guy takes the keys and then leaves you outside. In a little way. It's cool. Yeah, yeah. I want to see that clean when I come back. Hey, take good care of it. Come to pennies in me arsehole. Okay.

Goes for Ferris Bueller's Day off. So have you never had the tongue on your arsehole? No. What about your goose? I've had a little. No, tongue's well better. Donaldinho. I just don't. I can't. I've had a little... No, tongue's well better. Donaldinho. I just don't...

Tongue on your bum or on your gooch? I've never seen my asshole. What? I don't want to see my asshole. You've never seen your own asshole? I've never seen my asshole and I don't want to see it because I don't think it would look nice. I have not seen my own asshole.

How could you possibly see your own asshole? Sit on a mirror? I know. Just in my head. A periscope? What my asshole looks like. Sit on a mirror? What?

Where'd you say? I know what my asshole looks like. Sit on a mirror? What? What did you say? I know what my arsehole looks like, but I don't want to know now. Is it purple? Have you got an idea of what it looks like? Like a bulldog's mouth. All of it. With the whiskers.

Jules and everything. Salivates. With a muzzle. Have you seen the bit Shoopy Muzzle as arsehole Hannibal arsehole You know Droopy

The cartoon dog Sniffing your arsehole It's great to have a word With that by the way Why do we always end up Talking about my mum You bring it up You all need to see

Your own arseholes And you all need to share That your arsehole is up. But I think, because I know mine, I have near constant bad shit going on down there. Little lumps of one. Do you think I just need to get it out more? Is that what you're saying? No, you need to bring more awareness to it.

Start a campaign. Wear a little wristband? Yeah. Do like a Movember? Yeah, live arsehole. Arsehole strong. This way to the ballet. I'll just get Laura's lipstick and just start drawing. Yeah, live arsehole. Arsehole strong. This way to the ballet. I'll just get Laura's lipstick

and just start drawing arrows to my own arsehole. That's not subtle enough. Not subtle enough? Make poverty a thing. Just be sitting there watching Tenny go, I'd love you to lick my arsehole.

More subtle. Cool. Right, we'll get the kids to bed first, though, yeah? Turn Mr. Tumwiller. What have you got on on Wednesday? Oh, you're doing that, yeah. Sounds just...

By the way, just let you know, if you ever want to put your tongue up my arse, you can. Can I have a cup of tea? Just drop it in. Oh, is that sandwiched? Like new material? She'd be freaked out by that. I'd never make a cup of tea.

The arsehole sandwich. Want some soup? Chicken soup. The arsehole sandwich. You give them a nice thing, the arsehole in another nice thing, they're quick. Right.

Got nice hair, lift me arsehole. They're good shoes. And she is confused. She's like, oh, wow. Do you want to lick his arsehole? Accidentally just goes, yes, yes, yes.

There's a chapter all about that. Oi, it's chapter 22. Never fall for the arsehole sandwich. Even though your shoes are nice, sister. You should be able to get compliments without licking someone's bum hole.

Chapter 23. That's a whole book. You feel good, but your mouth feels dirty. Chapter 24. Vittorio, where can we find you online? Are we done? All I managed to do, no actual have a word. Can we do one? I never get, I really like them.

Is that okay? Do you want to just do one? Do you want to do one? We've got one in us. Is it bumhole based? It's not bumhole based. Adam, do you need to? If you're stressed about timing, you don't have to. I just really like them. We can do one. One quick one. Cam Alto

says, have a word with my brother Lids. He bought a girl back and used our stepdad's cherry flavoured lube. Tell my brother to stop sharing lube with his stepdad like a fucking danger. Say all that again. Out loud with your face. Why do you know where it is?

What happened? Say that again. Cam Alto, by the way, I will honestly, you put a name down.'m gonna read it i'm the ron burgundy of have a words have a word with my brother he brought a girl back and used our stepdad's cherry flavored lube tell my brother to stop sharing lube with his stepdad like a fucking danger that's from cam what's wrong with sharing with your stepdad yeah not blood relatives it's okay it depends

it's like your second cousin fair game if it's like one of them ones where it's like an applicator if it has an applicator killed will a lip gloss one yeah finger in it that's bad if you should lip gloss one like one it's like a pot that kind of that'll be all is it's lube it's tube i'm saying it's a tube maybe it's cock hands i've. I'm saying it's a tube, maybe. Or a pump. It's cock hands. I've been on it. If it's a pump. If you're using a lube that comes in a pot that you have to rub your finger in, that is all sorts of dirty. Yeah, that's wrong. But if it's a tube or a squeeze bottle.

I'll use any of your lube. Absolutely. What, nipple rub? No. You just sky it? No. Hang on. Hang on.

Oh, no. Would you use my lube? Yeah. Oh. Why not? I'm surprised I mean I'd be disappointed If I needed loop

Yeah I don't know what you were doing In my room Like Hang on I'm just driving the chest I'll be back in a bit Breaks in

Laura walks in Going Adam what are you doing In Dan's room? First of all Let me tell you Lovely hair Stop there She goes Hang on This is the arsehole sandwich I'm not falling for that Hang on lovely hair stop there she goes

hang on this is the arsehole sandwich I'm not falling for that hang on there better not be another compliment coming just immediate compliments the arsehole has to be mentioned

just any compliments sorry you gonna show me your arsehole have you had your hair done I'm not fucking stupid me love yeah

switched on. I think you need to get your own lube, kid. I think it's a valid have a word. I told you my ma put all my lubes away. What? Yeah, when I moved to Japan. I left my bedroom as it was, obviously. Yeah.

And when I got back, she'd decorated it. And all sex lubes were all in a box. How many have you got? Like four. Why And all sex lubes were all in a box. How many have you got? Like four. Why? Four sex lubes. It has different flavours. It has seasonal lubes.

It's got Christmas pudding lube. Cinnamon lube. Cinnamon lube. Pumpkin spice lube. Yeah. Spring clean one. There's nipple, pussy, cock. And then there's an all rounder What

That's all true She put them in a box They all went in a little box under me bed Here's what I don't understand Why Tingle all the way Asda lube Well done Asda

Why do flavoured condoms exist When you suck on them Some women suck people off with condoms on I think that's fucking mad. I'd rather suck a dick without a condom on than a dick with a condom on. Why? I don't know.

I think that would be weird. If you suck a dick with a condom on, you're not actually sucking a dick, so it's not even gay. If you suck on a condom, that happens to have a dick in it. I don't even like cherry. Get this off.

Now it's gay. Genuinely, I don't know if ever That cherry lube has been used On someone hasn't it Your step dad Is using that lube On your mum Come on bro

You're not just sharing lube with your step dad He's not putting it back in the bottle Where's the line Come on, bro. Sounds like a slap. You're not just sharing lube with your stepdad, are you? He's not putting it back in the bottle after he's done. The hand! The cocky pussy hand's going to have it, though, isn't it? Where's the line? It's as if you learned nothing from the pandemic. Yeah.

Things pass from thing to thing. You might get a herpes. Imagine not getting Mars herpes. That'd be so bad. Imagine getting AIDS from your mum. How is that the... Of all the things we say. It's possible,

you know what I mean? That's the worst thing we've ever said. Point of contact. I can't believe it was Carl. I always thought it'd be me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, tell him he's a danger.

I tell you what, I tell you what, here's the thing. Just buy your brother some lube for Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone. Get some... Gift him some Millennium ID.

Vittorio, what are your social media handles ID Vittorio What are your social media handles Vittorio Anzalone you won't be able to find me on Instagram Because I'm shadowband So if you guys can kindly put a link in Wherever you need to put a link in But the main thing is the tour 2023

If you go to I guess there will be a link in the description There will be a link put up here VittorioAnzalone.com Glasgow and Belfast sold out There'll be a link in the description. There will be a link put up here. VittorioAntonio.com forward slash shows. I'm going all over the UK. Glasgow and Belfast sold out very quickly. So I'm adding bigger dates for those. Dublin moved to a bigger venue.

Manchester sold out. Liverpool hasn't. It will. It will. So get on it. Get on me. And all over the UK. And I'm even adding Brighton,

even though I said I wouldn't. My tour is DanNightingale.com I've half sold out The Philharmonic In two weeks My tour will be on sale soon Fucking Just keep an eye out

My tour will be on sale now actually If this has gone public so We're going on tour We're going on tour If it is then it'll be Somewhere and if not It'll be next week Just three touring comedians

Having a chat I mean there'll be three Of the best tickets you ever buy, stand-up-wise, wouldn't there? Good fun. There's no future household names left. Oh, Leeds. I need to plug Leeds,

because the bigger venue wouldn't have me, because they didn't think I'd sell enough tickets. So if you're in Leeds, I want to prove a fucking point. I will spend all the money that I'll make at the show on a fucking billboard in Leeds to do 25 shows in the small venue. What are you doing in Leeds? hyde park book club exactly it's a fucking bookshop it's great it's supposed to be great but it's like smaller than i wanted to do i've done a gig in there years ago it's supposed to be great it'll bang but i just wanna i want to do 112 lead shows

and i know who you're trying to prove a point to and I would love to help Mark Voduka Mark Voduka that's what he does now he runs he runs a medium sized tour venue in Leeds city centre from Australia is there any music

great striker the next time you hear us by the way we'll have done an arena so suck our bollocks yeah yeah I believe we got the Jackson 5

oh we can say that now can't we the Jackson 5 oh no not the the 5 we had Uncle Tito instead of Tito we haven't done it yet so that's why

he probably is an uncle I hope you enjoyed it thank you Adam Uncle Tito instead instead of Tito it's good Tito Jackson yeah

Fim what's the song this is a band from Bristol called Adult Leisure it's good though they've got a band member called David Wolford

any relation no okay this is called Things You Don't Know Yeah strong cool Things You Don't Know Yeah

yeah cool sounds shite see you all next week see you all next week au revoir See you all next week. See you all next week. Au revoir. Au revoir. What's that I see staring back at me? Stories around his eyes, some chapters complete

We're all getting older, let's not make a scene Stare closer, it's not over So much in between the lines I'm tired, so tired I'm not doing much Well done, good job You're so out of touch So please tell me why No silver blind sky

The chance I have made My cards will be played Loud How can I decide a life With notions of a dream How can I How can I, how can I Marble flies, a fool decides what awaits for me

A sacrifice I feel Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things that you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know

Things you don't know Things you don't know Things you don't know You know I can hide inside and out Things you don't know You know How can I decide The life and notions of a dream? How can I? How can I?

I would rise and put aside The smile that waits for me I'd sacrifice that fear How can I dissolve the light emotions of a dream? How can I, how can I Not the flies that put aside a smile that waits for me A sacrifice I feel I fall in danger, don't I? I fall in danger done for me I fall Things are done for me

I fall