Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #203 with Paul Smith - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

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Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star style. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hiya.

You alright? I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. I'm turning my phone over. Hiya. You're right. I'm turning my phone over. I beat Eon. Turn the phone over, Carl. You know you can do it. You're free of Eon. Ladies and gents. I'm not free, but I won the petty battle.

You've won. Something that's been on your mind for months and it's finally over. I think now that the you versus the on battle yeah the relief on your face when you realized two minutes ago that this was done i just say i think we've all been a bit worried about you it's honestly there's been moments in the last month or so two months when i've been worried about how it's going with you don't know what happened so i owed them money for two months bills

I paid it yeah I paid it don't say any specific details yeah yeah yeah and then they rang back and went to

oh yeah your payment hasn't gone through I was like cool well I have made it so that's up to you and you're like yeah you need to make it again

I hung up on them because you were all shouting profanities down the phone can I promise you this if you're ever on the phone to Eon again, in earshot of any of us, we're going to do that.

We will do that exactly same thing again, yeah. Twice fold. In fact, if anyone ever cold calls you for any reason, or like, if you've got any bill, if like you get a call from a hospital saying your mum's being hit by a speedboat, Kirstie McCall's file. Hang on.

I will do it then as well. I don't think that counts as cold calling. If she's dead, she will be cold. Oh, Barbara. Your method of cold calling or dealing with a cold caller last week was ingenious.

Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know when you get a cold call from like a company that's just for whatever. Mr. Dan, Mr. Dan.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you just tell them to fuck off or do you have a play with them East Norweb the woman in so when we were

rehearsing the dance and I don't think we got all of this on camera so I'll just say the story now she rang me she goes

hello Mr. O I'm calling from UK Mobile Limited she was from UK Mobile Limited geographically just let me place it I don't know

I'm just telling you exactly what she sounded like Harrogant Morkan sorry Mr. O i'm calling from the uk limited and i'm calling you to offer you a change to your tariff and i went listen love i'm really interested i have been looking for a new phone provider but i am in the middle of burying a dead body can you call me back later this afternoon and she goes excuse me and i went i'm in the middle of burying a dead

body can you call me back later this afternoon and she went well then i don't want to call you back put the phone down you came up and then we have a policy don't sell a phone to anyone one of them ever was when i got in bodies when i lived in my aunties and i had just like the day off and was bored and someone rang and said, have you been in a car accident? That wasn't your fault. And I was like, how the fuck do you know about that so soon? She was like,

when did it happen? I was like this morning. And I was like, I was driving me Citroen Picasso. There was seven of us in the car. And my wife had hold of the newborn baby as well. And someone came through a red light and smashed into the side of us. And it took the fella an hour.

I had our dolly next to me because he was like, right, so I need the names of everyone in the car. So I was like, yeah, got them all. I gave him the names of everyone. Andy Townsend. I need their postcode, their address. So I had dolly next to me,

literally finding like the postcodes to match addresses of streets around Liverpool. Took him through for a full hour and right at the end, I just went, I'm only messing you know what? And he went, do you know what? To be fair,

this is the best one of these I've ever had. And then he hung up. It took me an hour to give him the details of seven people and a baby who had been hit in a car accident that day.

In his head, he's getting, I'm getting 20% commission on this. He's like, I'm not going to buy a holiday home in Portugal. Do you know what the best thing to do with them is

because they can't hang up on you or be rude let them talk for an extended period of time and go I'm so sorry can you repeat that please and they have to

but like by the third time the worst they are in a bad mood you two are the worst it's just a dangerous combination of some of the most annoying tendencies plus incredible imaginations plus this the the will to be annoying the creativity to just keep going with the

bullshit and also this weird like persistence where you're like no keep going the persistence we once spent a full afternoon just ringing random phone numbers from the phone book. Oh, me. Asking the woman on the phone. You started cold calling other people? Yeah. Oh, my God.

We would ring them, right? And all we would do, and you've got to understand, we couldn't breathe for laughing at this. We did this for a full day. I'm talking four or five hours. Didn't once change tactic, just a new number every time just the Shergar one yeah

we would just ring up right and I would go I love is Shergar there and they'd go ew and I'd go

Shergar the horse and she'd go there's no horse here and then in the background Carl would go no and I'd go oh never mind he's here

and put the phone down and that was a full day of our lives. How have you ended up where you are? I can't decide. I can't decide if, of course, that's the perfect preparation for this job. You should already.

I used to bring numerous taxi firms to the house across the road and then watch them all argue in the street the best thing to do is to hire a bouncy castle

and ask for the earliest possible delivery yeah bouncy castle skips I've ordered meat I've ordered so many

things so many houses but Eon so six weeks ago I put the phone down they've called me twice a day for six weeks and I've ignored them all and I'm like I'm going to make them wait

do you have a day I got an email your payment has been successful the payment went through and now I'm in £103 credit they owe me money well enjoy enjoy the four days of that credit so I'm going to hundred and three pound credit. They owe me money. Well, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy the four days of that credit.

So I'm going to call them twice a day and go, can I have the hundred and three pound? I'm going to bet every penny. Can I have the hundred and three pound? I'm going to bet every penny that I've got that you do not commit to that. I mean, I'm probably in there, but I'll be honest.

I turned the light on yesterday. It probably cost me about six grand. Amazing. I win fuck Eon they've called me twice you do win we've all been so worried about you but now you're free of it

you can just live your life now exactly you're bitches I hope you're listening Eon you're punks god we really trying to settle some scores with some major companies at the moment aren't we

fucking Arenas Eon who else we yeah well done Carl I can't I don't know how you could be fucking

bothered with all of the hassle of you just not setting up a direct debit not doing it right I don't even want to pay me bills

right to the screes no I don't by the way I don't want to either getting my stupidly expensive flat in the middle of

what was essentially a very organised mental breakdown earlier this year has actually been quite the touch with the energy crisis because it's all in. Bills are included. Oh, nice. So as everyone's gone through the roof, people are now

paying more for their bills per month than I'm paying in rent. And it's just been like a calculated gamble that I didn't know I'd done. If I open my fridge, it costs me about £650. Also, knowing Adam, knowing Adam, if he doesn't have to pay for heating or electricity or lighting,

I'd love to see a heat map of Liverpool. There'd just be this glowing fucking orange and yellow. My Christmas tree has not once been off. I believe that so much. The board are like, there's a real drain on energy. It must be the dock or something. Something's going wrong.

My Christmas tree is just permanently on. Because you know overnight when you've forgot to turn your Christmas tree on. It's the saddest sight in the world and I just don't ever want to see that. I think you're going to get a drug bust coming in. He's obviously got a cannabis farm up here or something. We're taking him down to a street value of three million.

Oh, it's just a fucking Christmas tree. And they blow up Santa Claus in the corner. Everything on, microwave. I don't think I've ever turned my Xbox off. I think my Xbox has been on for maybe a decade. Bad boy, bad boy. What you gonna do? I'm sure that's not spending though, is it?

It's like 23p a day or something. Wow. Some days I don't even use it, Dan. It's still on. Excuse me, Mr. Riegler, Mr. Riegler, 23p a day or fuck the energy companies. They're from Morecambe again.

If I can do anything to put them out, I've got more time than them. 23p a day you know fuck the energy companies they're from Morecambe again fuck the energy companies if I can do anything to put them out I've got more time than them if I can do anything to make their job a little bit harder I'll do it

I don't give a fuck fuck them because there's people who can't pay so you're not I think isn't there a genuine thing about don't pay

like if there's there's posters on Liverpool don't pay your energy bills Martin Lewis advised against that didn't he you can get

fucked now him yeah he's lad baby fuck him now he's got in bed with lad baby and sucked him off

talk me through what Martin Lewis on video shagging lad baby just if you're not from the UK allegedly Martin Lewis

has made a career allegedly is that him I don't know lube costs money just use butter. He is doing a song with Lab Baby. Martin Lewis makes his own butter.

It's an absolute. It's an absolute. Martin Lewis is a fucking goon. You know what else costs money in the house? Shut up, Martin. You're making my pussy dry. There was a big campaign that was essentially, and they are right.

They were like, right, if nobody, nobody pays their lechy bill, what are the companies going to do? Oh, yeah, because we're good at mobilising. Tory government in power. If everyone doesn't vote for cunts. Have you seen if there was an election today? Have you seen how many seats they have?

They'd have 69 seats and the SNP would have 55 and Labour would have like the other 300 I think the SNP have got a chance

of winning seats down south that's how much everyone hates the fucking Tories have you seen the SNP have won Gloucester

god you've really got to hate the Tories to vote in the Scottish National Party in Gloucestershire I've seen if you were born from 1960 onwards, the majority of people...

I'm not here. The majority of people have lost... 18 to 19. The majority of people have never seen something that was voted for go their way. So like Brexit, elections, even like X Factor.

Yeah, because the minority. What? No, even though it's the highest percentage of winning votes, it's never a majority. It's never a majority. So apparently the majority hasn't won anything publicly voted for since the 50s. Yeah. Like Brexit, Donald Trump no more to them in this country,

Gareth Gates. Independence for Gloucester. They were gutted when the scottish lost that yeah i remember my mum voting for gareth gates could not have guessed where that was going then i was like i remember my mum was a scottish nationalist yeah oh shit my mum's nicholas sturgeon did she call up yeah she called up she called up called up herself like three times and then I was like

fully on the Gareth Gates fan chain me because she like loved him and I just wanted to be involved you were Gateshead

yeah that's why we got called that's why they renamed that place now Newcastle Sunderland they were fuming about that

Gateshead was really fuming about that gareth's got a really big following in sunderland we're changing changing the name um yeah and then i just wanted to keep i think we found up like 15 times so you got 15 of our votes and it was all in vn i hope he knows that you voted for the 15 turn your phone over look at that oh shit my gareth gates bit i used to spike my hair up like gareth gates so did i yeah oh my did you yeah it was it was the thing to do i used to speak like him it wasn't a thing yeah i did yeah that was just because i was on ketamine at the time i was going through a bit of a drug phase but it was still a homage to

i was a gate i was a gate said quite the sage i was putting pills up my nose that's what i was doing when this was happening i'm gonna can i guess when this happened 2003 absolutely off my barner sticking pills up my arse I think it was 2002 I think it's 2002 I was 21 and I was not watching I think it was just about post 9-11 I think I remember thinking that at the time Will Young dedicated Evergreen to all the survivors

yeah did he really? no he didn't United 93 this is for the people no it was 2002 I this is for the people. No, it was 2002.

2002. I think he dedicated the album, which came out like a year later. Yeah. You shitting me. No. No, 9-11 was big.

Gareth Gates. 9-11 was massive and so was Pop Idol. It was like, yeah. It was the alien versus predator of its time. 9-11 vs Popeye. The crossover you didn't think you needed to see.

Alien vs Predator was out then as well. United 93, we stand. Yeah, he dedicated it to... I don't know if it was his first... Are you joking? Gareth Gates dedicated... No, Will Young. Will Young won.

Oh, Will Young won Evergreen Oh, yeah Cost the bookies Fucking Absolute Because he was the outsider Money

Right, yeah I remember it well I remember it well It was at Sanky's Soap We were all talking about it Take this moment Make it last forever It's got like the noise

Of the plane going down I'm gonna send my heart away While you like the noise of the plane going down Gonna tear my heart away Some of the worst audio we've ever put out Something about those pills and thrills You're the only girl that I need A second plane has hit the tower You're more beautiful than I have ever seen Oh yeah

Will Young. Sorry, sorry. I'm just going to tell you. Yeah, yeah. Planes into a tower. Good night, everyone. Hang on. No, they're both down.

Both towers down. Both towers down. Drive safe. Will Young's old banger. Leave right now. Think I better leave right now. Before I go anywhere. That was actually about Tower 2.

If only they had. I think I better leave right now. Because that other tower's on fire. But the lift's not working. Yeah, he dedicated every song he ever did to 9-11. Is it fun to joke about 9-11? Is it? We're not joking about 9-11. Is it fun to joke about 9-11? Is it? We're not joking about 9-11.

We're joking about Will Young. Shut up. Oh, yeah, sorry. I need to get out, but I don't like stairs. If you had that on your bingo, well done. Some extensive bingo card Right there I think I want to join a choir I've got that on your bingo

Now the tour's finished And now Now we've done the arena gig Thank you for coming everyone I think I want to join a Christian A Christian choir Just Seneca's in a choir

Gospel choir What did you just say? Gospel Seneca's in a choir No Right Can we just I'm going to come back

Full time She's a full time chorister I think it's choir actually a choir she knows the choir she's got a hell of a voice though

I was trying to think of something we could do for the Christmas spirit I know she is I was trying to think of something we could do for like

yeah of course she is of course she's a soprano do you know how scary it would be if Serica was a bass baritone we wish you a merry

Christmas dick on her but there are levels of there are levels of female voice as well was a bass. Baritone. We wish you a Merry Christmas. Dick on her. But there are levels of, there are levels of female voice as well. Yeah, there are. She's the best. Soprano, alto,

you don't get many female tenors. No, but she's the best. The queen's on every tenor. She's the what? Soprano's the best. That's someone's joke of the episode. Enjoy that one. I did too what a chest infection i'm going today um i was trying i was trying to think of something to get us like that we could do to give back right because you get a lot of support i thought

that was well you know but i stopped thinking so I thought that as well, you know. But I stopped thinking. I thought that, but then I was like, calm your ass. What if we got all of our listeners, we set up an email that's like, whatever, at gmail.com. Been taken. United 93. Never forget.

Will Young. And they send us their addresses. gmail.com. And we see how many we can go round in a day doing carol singing, just us. And we go and like visit our fans and do carol singing just us and we go and like visit our fans and do carol singing

for them so what will be the score for us then that's a that's a really weirdly good idea

I mean yeah we sing I Got Bitches can we put together a carol what do they call it like a carol sheet they usually do three or four, don't they?

Yeah. But we could do, come on, Finn, you're very talented. We could do like... We don't do Christmas songs, we do Will Young's back catalogue. We do our back catalogue, we do DMX. I got bitches on me right now. But as choristers. I got bitches all on my dick and every day

Sucking on my balls Licking on my balls Drinking on my balls Sucking on my baubles Can we Christmas it up? What about pepperoni nipples? What's that? Mistletoe nipples

What's pepperoni nipples? It's one of the lyrics in this song I don't think I've concentrated Get all those girls on that motherfucking dance floor with those big old titties and old pepperoni nipples. Is that an actual DMX line? No, A2M. That was on the arena.

Yeah, I was drinking. Yeah, we should go carol singing to give back. Right, cool. We'll see how many different towns we can get through in one 24 hour period well this is going to work out if you're a wolf when are we doing this

tomorrow and it started to fall apart where could we get to we can do a few Liverpool you know we can travel outside Liverpool we could go and busk

we could go and busk that's probably a middle ground just be like all our fans come here meet us here and we'll do some carols for you

what we could arrest them wouldn't we what busking in town I thought you had to have a license no I don't

you do have to get like a a little thing from the council to say you're allowed to be there wow that was we know that that lad that busks in town he's got a license he'll let us do it

that's actually true one of our it would be so out of character if you as scouts were like lad i would love to busk but you need a little form for the council and god forbid that i busk without a fucking form you know i'm a bit of a badass but i won't do that seven years in nick i'm not doing nick love song i'd do anything for love but only with a little form for the council But I won't do that. Seven years in Nick. I'm not doing Nick. Is that a Meat Loaf song? I'd do anything for love, but only with a little foam for the council. Planning permission. That's how big my dick is.

I wonder what sexual act she asked Meat Loaf to do that inspired that song. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Yeah, did she want to peg him? Did she want him to rim air? What do you reckon Meatloaf's real name was? Let's go with a guess for the first. I'm going to go with Kevin.

Right. I'm going to go with... Ronald. I'm not messing. Ronald. I'm not... Can I guess the second name? Kooman.

I think his real name was Ronald Kooman. I think Brian. It is Michael. Michael Lee Aday. No, he was born Marvin. Back to what Adam said. What did she ask him to do that he wouldn't do for love? Yeah, because I've always thought that that song must be about like

a sexual kink that like a partner of his had. Oh, I thought it was like going to burn down my ex's house or something. No, I've always thought it was like, you know, can I put a finger up your ass while I'm sucking you off? And he's like, I'll do anything for you, but I won't do that.

By the early nineties, Meatloaf was definitely getting pegged. Hey. Fuck. That's a fact a fact mate how old was he when he was early 50s he must have been early 50s

in the early 90s he must have been in and around 50 yeah that's right if my general level of filth that's happening in my head I know he died when he was 80 no 75

one of his songs fucking hell was he 74 fair play to the Meatloaf one of his songs is one of my karaoke songs with my cousin my cousin Katie he's a good singer and whenever like Or was he? Fair play to the meatloaf. One of his songs is one of my karaoke songs. With my cousin.

My cousin Katie's a good singer. And whenever I'm out with him, we end up near a karaoke machine or in a bar that's doing karaoke. We do a duet of Paradise by The Dashboard Life. I didn't even know that was a song. Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night. Looks like you're being pegged. I can see paradise

oh Jesus there you mean cousin have you got a phone from the council for that fucking use some butter from before

it's not cheap Dan when are we doing our Deadpool for the start of the year yes but when are we

doing it on the episode that will be released for the first episode of the year yes but when are we doing it on the episode that will be released for the first episode of the year next week next week we're recording one

just after Christmas aren't we I reckon I'm gonna win a 20 grand prize for the winner I'm going meatloaf it's Pele innit well

yeah but it's you're gonna so we need three each don't we but you're gonna have to have like 10 options because it's gonna be like a draft.

None of us can have the same person. It's a snake draft. Oh, right. Okay. I like it. Yeah. If you get first pick, we'll pick it out of a hat. You could go Pele.

Yeah. He's gone, isn't he? Pele's gone. You do it like fantasy league. You know, like you get a big sign in, like a mid-table kind of outside champ. No, Finn, it's a draft. Yeah, but I'm saying- chance it's a draft I'm saying

because then you could just go for three 95 year olds just hedge your bets that's on you though sometimes people live to 96 you've got to be able to look yourself in the mirror you've got to pass the mirror test you know can you look in the mirror

is it just a fucking I think what Finn is saying is right we should have to pick one each at least that is under 60 and I would like under 20 yeah okay I would like... Under 20. Yeah, okay. I'd like to suggest a veto.

A veto that no one can pick David Attenborough because you cannot bring on the sadness of Uncle David dying. Why? We're not taking people off the dead pool. He's a magical old squirrel finger. He scored well less goals than Pele. Yeah. You're not asked about him.

He probably didn't. Oh, God. Pele's in the hospital now Megan Nurse is putting on his fucking record Attenborough's playing five a side in Madagascar with some ring-tailed

lemurs like yeah some two-act tricks stupid lemurs go on Pele's record and guarantee the ring-tailed lemur FC he scored six goals

and put them on his record when he was 49 yeah I scored 3,000 goals in my career lads yeah take Pele down. Played against the fucking orphans. Not bad. It doesn't matter that he's dying.

That's still my opinion of Pele. He lied. He lied? Yeah. I love how angry you are about such specific things. Fucking Pele. Dirty, cheating, goat cunt.

Matey isn't even in the top ten footballers of all time, the daft swat. He is though, isn't he? No. No, he is though. Of course he is. He's just behind David Attenborough, I'll give you that. He's behind David Bentley.

I hate him. Did you have David Bentley on your bingo card I really love how the Messi Ronaldo debate as if there ever really was like in the past

two months has gone from still like being debated to just completely like there's fan accounts on Twitter who's like

at or like CR7 the goat which are now tweeting going yeah I think I've starved myself of enjoying Messi play football

for the past 20 years that assist today was pathetic yeah have you seen it Gavardiol is one of the he's been one of the standout performers

82 million he reckoned he was getting going to United 4 one of the best centre-halves in the whole competition and Messi made him

look like a child and Messi is 35 years old yeah towards the end of his career. Yeah. I mean, Cristiano Ronaldo, exceptionally good. It's not like, yeah, Messi's the GOAT, but Cristiano's a fucking... But Ronaldo's closer to Neymar than he is to Messi.

Yeah. Ronaldo isn't in the top three. Okay. It's Messi, Maradona, and then you play with the third one. R9. Yeah. Without the injuries, R9. Depends, yeah. It's R9, Ronaldinho, obviously Zidane. Georgie Best?

Cruyff? Yeah. It's hard to talk about footballers when they were playing before you were born. You know what I mean? It almost feels like you have to do an era-based one, doesn't it? Because when everyone's like,

yeah, Maradona, definitely. Yeah, cool. You watch some clips on YouTube. We can talk with authority on Messi and Ronaldo and whatever, but when people are like, what about Pushkas? You're like, what are you even on about?

Yeah. Because he played for Real Madrid in 1955 or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be, it probably has going to be, like maybe decade or decade based, but yeah, the debate is

dead and buried and I hope he wins the World Cup so much Is there one thing around football one like bucket list thing that you would like to do because we're all I'm a lapsed football fan but because of how much I love football Italia and I'd like

to do it in the lifetime of this pod I would like to go and see one of the it's not a Classico, I get it but one of the absolute pedigree Italian teams like the Rome Derby, the Milan Derby or even like Juve-Fiorentina

which is a weird old rivalry and I know this probably takes away from it a little bit but I used to love Sampdoria in the 90s when Platt was there, Mancini and Tilo Lombardo and Chiesa and I'd love to go and see Sampdoria play like one of those giants. I'd fucking love it.

Is there anything on your bucket list that not... River Plate, Boca. Oh, yeah. Oh, River Plate, Boca. The atmosphere there would be like you'd never seen. Adam like, right, January. Pumper ticket. What's your...

I've missed... My mum has watched Messi at the Nou Camp and I've missed her. I was stupider than... Is there anything that can replace it? I don't want to see Messi play for PSG. No, it feels like a bit of a... Like those golfers that are doing the Masters Tour, don't it? Yeah, I don't want to see that play for PSG. No, it feels like a bit of those golfers that are doing the Masters

Tour, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't want to see that. Probably a big European away like that. Maybe a German one. Maybe be a part of the wall at Dortmund or something like that. I'm very fortunate that as a Liverpool fan, if Liverpool make the right signings in the next couple of winters, Liverpool's period of doing alright is

going to be extended. Liverpool need two top quality midfielders. Those big European away is... I will get to go period of doing alright is going to be extended. Liverpool need two top quality midfielders. Like, those big European away is, I will get to go as a Liverpool fan and experience them.

Yeah. Because, like, sort of growing up I didn't get to go to the game a lot because we didn't, it was never my dad's thing

to go to the match and we all expensive as fuck. Yeah. And now, that is what I spend the majority of my disposable income on

is following Liverpool wherever I can getting a ticket anywhere I can and building up my own membership which is getting more and more credits

to it over the next few years I'll have a full membership card and I'll be able to get tickets for every single game so just slowly increasing

talk me through that you're not a season ticket holder but as a full member you get first refusal on the tickets to our season tickets the way liverpool's tickets work so there's 28 000 season tickets i think so there's about 20 000 tickets for every game that aren't for season ticket holders and they go to a combination of you know there's touts who've got members cards that are full the way the ticket system works is so when it goes on sale at the start of the year the first people who get to buy a home ticket are the people who went to all 19

home games last season on their membership card right and then as soon as it as soon as they've had the day or two days that they get to buy tickets however many are left go to like the next one down so it might go down to like people with 16 or more credits can now buy it and then if it doesn't go if it doesn't sell out to them it goes to 13 or more okay

and then 10 I've currently got like it's like our patrons yeah I've currently got for this season I think I've got four on my membership card

and by the end of the season that'll probably be six or seven I'll still I will have gone to every game but like only six or seven will be credited to me going the rest will be someone else has given me their phone so it stays on their membership because people try and keep hold of the credits because obviously it means they get to god it's it's a system isn't it it's changed so you're

going to hit the point where you're in that first refusal so for the first time ever this season i've been able to buy tickets on my membership from the club nice so what is the european away game in the next two or three seasons european away is i i will only i will only be able to get them from people who've been gone for years because they are just impossible to get on the ladder for which which one i mean obviously there's the obvious like oh yeah yeah, the Bernabeu or whatever. Which one is the one that you'd be like, I'd really, there'd be like the kid inside you loving going to see that.

The kid inside me is hard to answer because like the kid inside me would just want to go to a league game at Old Trafford. Really? Like it's much more domestic when you're a kid. Like now I think if Klopp's still in charge Dortmund

like Dortmund away in like a Champions League semi-final would just be they're really they're like they're well known

for being smart fans as well aren't they which is something that like great fans well very well big clubs tend to have like

proper knowledgeable fans Dortmund are held up as that where's yours Finn I've never gone to one like Canarvon Rill El Classico tend to have proper knowledgeable fans. Dortmund are held up as that. Where's yours, Finn? I've never gone to one. Canarven Rille, El Clasico. No, it's Banga, Banga Rille.

Oh, sorry, it's the derby. It's Banga, El Clasico. They got abandoned the last time they played. I saw the video. At Rille? Yeah. So people were like, what fucking bad juju did you juju? What did you leave on the pitch?

Because they kick fuck out of each other, didn't they? The lad that threw the punch, I played with him at Real a few years ago. Oh, he was dying to start a fight, that guy. I'd love to go to watch Besiktas, who are my Turkish team.

And I'm out. I'm joking. You'd have to keep your head down there, though. Why? They hate Welsh. they hate Welsh people I've never heard about that yeah yeah yeah no I missed that

Besiktas hate the Welsh the pre-season friendly of 91 when Wrexham went over Besiktas Ryan Giggs had sex with the president on live television Ryan Giggs was there

he was 14 he got bummed he was buying this we nearly had them I don't think we did I thought we were proper spicy games Besiktas against what,

Fenerbahce, Galatasaray? Yeah, Galatasaray probably. I think it'd be, they're rowdy, aren't they? All those. In my head, genuinely, in my head,

every single one of those games every year, thousands die. Everyone's on fire. Do you know what I mean? It seems so dangerous to me to go to

one of those Turkish big games. Graeme Souness keeps going as well just to wind everyone up. So I was in Turkey, Euro 2008 when they got to the semis and after every

group match, every knockout game, when they won, there was, do you know like the Simpsons, what's the Simpsons sheriff called? Where he just shoots guns in the air. Wiggo. No. Do you know what I'm no oh yeah oh my god well it's definitely ill yeah everyone would just go and do that so they just shoot guns in the air

just kids would be shooting guns in the air riding around on motorbikes just it was so loud fireworks i think you're forgetting the fa cup final of 1987 when everton played Liverpool out on the streets round that way so I'd like to I'd definitely like to go even a Turkish national team there's a Turkey Wales are playing

next year in Cardiff I'm going to try and get down to that one you're going to have a half and half scarf for that that's the one time I'll find it acceptable

that is the one that's everyone done where I'm like okay enjoy that trip have a lovely time Who's making half and half turkey whale scarves? Who's putting the money into that? There'll be loads of them that day

Do you reckon? Yeah Yeah yeah Also hey If you're over the age of 12 And you've got a half and half scarf You're a cool guy Cool guy

I honestly don't understand it at all Do you use it to dry up all that pussy you don't understand get him on all the hate of it the fact that it exists nevermind I'm

buying it so because if you're an eight year old from Sweden and you're coming to see a game at Old Trafford

it's exciting it's both the teams that are playing like I get it if you like you go to like a foreign game

and you're a fan like that, but if you're a domestic fan and you buy a half and half scarf, you are. You're not even allowed to wear a fucking kit at Anfield. Half and half scarf. You are if you're playing.

No, you are, you are. Look at these fucking 11 trying too hard all wearing red. I want a red, hey.

That's the home team, Adam. Fucking wolves. I want a red bear gown. Thiago's a fucking wolf Where's he from? What colour is his bin? I'm guaranteeing you right now

Thiago's not got a purple bin He's not living in Old Swan Thiago He's got a purple bin Thiago knows the task almost I live in Liverpool No you fucking don't Thiago fuck off to Southport

I wore a red bag I was on the Gladys once and someone said behind me lad what the fuck you doing it's just a coat

it's cold I actually when me and Steve decorated the Christmas tree here which is red and gold I wanted to get a photograph of you two

stood in front of it and I was just going to tweet Ronald Koeman would be proud well there are blue Santa Claus at Goodison aren't they

when ronald kuhlman yeah he was manager of everton and he put their christmas tree up and he decorated it with red tinsel and everton fan went full list that's why he tried to change his name to meatloaf they were on the bench they'd been on in years and they were like no get him out the club it's a red Christmas tree shove your fucking balloon if Ronald Koeman

was on fire I wouldn't spit on him like me love but that dates back to the tree that is partly

to do with the tree look at his face mate Everton fans would have to be pretty hard-line if like, yeah, we won the Champions League twice under Koeman,

but that fucking Christmas tree incident. Disgusting. I'd punch his big fat, stupid punch bag and twat at him and hate him so much. But I won't do that. Bricks.

And we are back. A little bit of an announcement. Adam Rowe. We're doing some... So we've listened, basically. That's what I said on the poster today. A lot of you have been asking us to do a tour for a while. We can't.

We can't tour the podcast because the podcast only works... The podcast is so much better when we haven't seen each other for a good few days. And it's because we never script it. It's always sort of on the fly, bouncing off each other and we love doing it. If we try and do that in a tour and try and do a load of venues and try and do two or three more a week on top of the two we already do, it will take away A, from the live shows, they will get like draining for us. And in a year, we will just lose a bit of the magic. So we were trying to figure out a way we can come to you in different cities in a way that doesn't harm what we do in

here which is what you know you all listen for so the advantage we've got over a lot of other sorts of the bigger podcasts is that me and Dan are both stand-up comedians and we're both capable of hosting stand-up shows so we're releasing a load of have a word stand-up shows around the country we're probably going to do five or six in the first half of next year the first one is on sale right now it's at the Hackney Empire in London most of the tickets went on pre-sale so at the time of recording there's about 200 that are all unreserved gallery seating and they're still available to buy. I imagine by the time this goes out, they might have already gone.

But if you haven't had a look and you do live near London, go and check that out. We are working on a date in Glasgow. Because we're going to try and do Glasgow, there probably won't be another Scottish one. So you'll have to come to see us there. We're going to come as close to you as we can.

Glasgow slaps. I can't wait, mate. Working on Newcastle or the northeast as well uh dublin and or belfast and we'll probably try and hit birmingham's just so we're hitting the midlands um and from there that if we can find time there might be a cardiff as well or a bristol or somewhere towards the southwest we're going to try and get to a few places and do really big stand-up shows and the main idea behind this is me and dan will host it sometimes we'll host it together we'll both be on stage together riffing with each other whenever we're in the mood for that and sometimes

dan will host the first half he'll introduce two guests there'll be a break and i'll host the second half and introduce two guests all the other way around and we're going to film them all and it's going to be a new branch of have a word where we release essentially our own version of live the apollo or michael mcintyre's roadshow i suppose it's more like because we're traveling around the country we've got some funny mates and it's our way of giving other comedians uh another way of being on our platform rather than just sitting on the couch showcasing what makes them brilliant and the reason they get on the couch in the first place which is being good at stand-up comedy, in some big rooms around the country, at the same time of coming to you

and giving you a live show and you get to see me and Dan at the same time. Because as you know, when we tour ourselves, we do it independently. Dan does his own tour as a support act. I do my own tour. I have a support act.

This is a way to see both of us. The lads will be with us as well. They'll be filming. They'll be backstage. It's a proper team effort. And that's how we're going to tour have a word in the first half of 2023 second half is our tours yeah um you know i'm not playing the hat the empire but i'm playing leicester square theater i'm sticking to leicester square for the next tour um i think it's beautiful finn taylor special

looks fucking great there i've never been yeah it's. DanNightingale.com for my tour later in the year. It's obviously smaller venues. It's just my show. But I am so excited about the Have A Word stand-up tour. I know we've not properly branded it yet, but there's something about you and me and the lads being there doing, just comparing, which is something that I've done so many gigs,

beat the frog, done it all my career well and knowing that we're bringing on like live at the apollo and some of the stand-up on tv there's some excellent comics going there but there's some absolute fucking monsters that haven't done it and we get to go yeah we have no agenda there's no there's no other reason anyone's getting on for other than they're being fucking brilliant at what they do yeah and i'm quite excited to to see people see you doing crowdwear because you when i started and obviously carl remembers as well because he came to me came with me to a lot of my first gigs you were widely regarded as one of if not the best crowd where compare in the whole of the country to the point where everyone just wanted you to do that and you

stopped taking buckets of it yeah because you were like fuck this i want to do my own stuff as well now you've got the platform to tour yourself you can now use this skill that you just fucking put on the fucking subs bench for a few years and do it in front of these big massive rooms and well i couldn't do a set on this tour and i'm not if we do other big podcast shows you know we've got plans for next year and everything i need to compare because putting a tour together especially when you've just done one um it's you know you you've got it that's where all your stuff's got to go isn't it like i didn't do crowd work on the uh in the tour just gone and on smasher apart from a few little bits that led into it which actually ended up being really fun but yeah to walk out and

go oh this is unscripted this is ad libbing and knowing that it's lids you did it in phase one the other day and it made me happy to watch. You did some crowd work in phase one. I was a bit distracted then, but the new bits material nights that we've done at phase one and I've done a couple at the Edge in Chorlton, it is great to go. I don't know. It's funny because I've played some tricky rooms

as a compere. Comparing to all of our podcast fans where they've seen most of your stuff, it's a weird challenge like you can't sometimes when you're comparing you'll know this you go right i'll chat to them for a bit and then i'll do a banger because you're relying on the fact that they've not seen the bangers all of our hardcore lids especially the ones that are coming to like new material nights the fact the people that i mean i'm like becoming mates with some of them that's

how long they've been like patrons you're like they've seen all the jokes so you really do either have to do brand new stuff or ad lib and it's it i think proper comedy happens some of it isn't always amazing but some of it is truly like you can't rely on that circuit thing of going i'll just do one of the old hits all my old hits are out there it's exciting i can't wait very exciting and we can't wait to come to some different places as a team. It's very, very exciting. And we're sorry it's taken us so long to do any sort of tour, but the last couple of years have been very busy for all of us.

And, you know, getting a new studio, putting our first tours together off the back of Havowood. We're very, very grateful for your patience. The London show essentially sold out on the pre-sale immediately. The only tickets left are unreserved. The people we work with are giving us updates, and you can tell they're like, fucking hell, lads.

It's amazing. That's one of the advantages of being a patron, by the way. I know if you listen to the podcast or you've seen the intro on the YouTube, you see us talking about all the specials and the fact that we do a patron exclusive and there's early release one of the sneaky undersold things is now we're doing more live shows if you're a patron you get uh the pre-sale yeah the pre-sale most of the time it's just that's it's the only place you get and that's not us being that's not us putting it

behind the paper that's just because our fans are so avid yeah we need a chance and the patron gets priority well even if the there's going to be like 30 tickets or whatever that go on general sale for this London one by the time it actually goes to general sale, it's unreserved balcony bench seating, which is still, you know, you still want to be in the building.

But if you want a good seat, like my favourite seat in a theatre when I go and watch something like Hamilton or something is like the front row of the dress circle. I love front row dress. Isn't E meant to be the best seat in the front row of the dress circle because you I love front row dress isn't E meant to be the best seat in the house front row dress

oh you get me I love a lot of circles but the dress circle because the other one's naked and then you've got someone's dick next to you and you have to touch it

because you're like oh it's the theatre do you think it's the dress do you know what I mean no Finn the front row of the first circle is the best view in the house there's no one in front of you you can see the dressed circle? Do you know what I mean? No, Finn. The front row of the first circle is the best view in the house. There's no one in front of you.

You can see the whole stage and you're not looking up the entire time. Also, great seats are the ones I had for the Book of Mormon where you're so high, you feel like you've got vertigo and you can also see where everything's taped down on the stage

where they've got to stand. Like, oh yeah, they're going to have to stand there. That's good. And you can also see he's got taped down on the stage where they've got to stand. Like, oh yeah, they're going to have to stand there. That's good. And you can also see he's got dandruff in the dress circle. Are we getting a tour bus for this? 80 quid. No.

Why? We're going in yours. We're going in your car. We could. I think we should absolutely get a tour bus. We could hire a bus though, couldn't we? And put some decals on it. Come on. Can we get a bus?

Yes, please. I mean, yeah. Because you can use it for your tour. Adam can use it for his tour. We can just change the decals up and it's the Hathaway tour bus. Cool. Right, we're parking that at yours.

Laura will not be happy about it. I've got a parking space in my building. For a tour bus? Yeah. Yeah, cool. I mean, it's going to be quite a tight turning circle. Can we get an electric tour bus and just link it to Adam's flat?

Right, let's do some questions. That's enough exciting promo. Let me just check. Ooh, our rider is heading to the restaurant to pick up our food. Corey. We need to stop Adam

being the person who deals with the food. This has happened twice now. Adam's too important within the podcast to be like, oh God, you had me scrung. Just note for next time.

Have you got any questions? Ben, I'm just saying right now, if that, you know, last time when this happened and I was having to be all COVID and it got a bit awkward and I think you have to edit it out. How do you give your phone to Steve?

No one is ever touching my phone. There's pictures of my dick on it. No. If that goes in a minute, I'm just going to, like, I know it's a bit unprofessional. It doesn't happen very often. Next time, Steve on it. No. If that goes in a minute, I'm just going to, like, I know it's a bit unprofessional. It doesn't happen very often.

Next time, Sneak and Takeover, if this kicks off in a minute, I'm just going to answer whatever it is. I'm just going to deal with it. Because we do that. Oh, yeah.

There's no holds barred, then. Yeah. Yeah, I think that hold should be barred. Ben Wadsworth says, I'm asking your ma's all. Ben Wadsworth. Wadsworth.

For being too vigorous. Ben, you killed him. Ben Wadsworth says, question. Ben Wadsworth. Wadsworth. Too vigorous. Ben, you killed me. Ben Wadsworth says, question. Question. Wag wag lids. Last year,

my New Year's resolution was to get into lemon. Now, when I read this the first time, I thought he'd literally done a typo on lemo and he'd gone, do you know what? Next year,

I need to get a bit of coke in my life. But he meant lemon. So his New Year's resolution, or Wadsworth, was to get into lemon. Having never been a fan. What's lemon? I had a lemon,

no, literally lemon. The fruit lemon. What? Get into it. Get into lemon. He's got no hands, so he's trying to figure out a way to peel it. How do I get into this lemon?

Lemon's such a fucking staple flavor. I can't enjoy a gin and tonic. Lemon's such a staple flavor. Everyone should have lemon in their life. No, I don't think it is a staple flavor. I think it's more of a... I think it is. Lemonade.

I think it's more of an accent flavor for most foods. No, I don't mean that that I mean like everyone's got lemon in their life at some point I like lemon in me drinking life I don't like it in my food life like when someone squeezes lemon on a fish like as a garnish

I ate it you freak you put fish get a lemon and squeeze it on your fish you're a lizard they ate you I will never do that then and it's because of the lemon hang on where does

I mean all garnishes can suck me dick by the way if you've had a drizzle garnishes And it's because of the lemon. Hang on, where does... All garnishes can suck me dick, by the way. If you've had a drizzle... Garnishes. Like, I'm dreading the lamb chops that I've got on the way because I know they're going to be cummed in coriander. Cummed in coriander. You should just not take that preference.

Lemon drizzle. Come on. Cake wise. Absolutely. I'll give you that A lemon sorbet A fucking One of the sweets

Dumbledore's favourite sweets What are they called? I honestly Could not If I was ever with anyone In a cake shop That had an abundance Of cakes

Available Like an array And they chose Lemon drizzle I don't think I'd ever Speak to them again Lemon drizzle's a great cake Wait

What? It's not the first a great cake right well it's not the first choice ever though oh okay that's not how if you choose lemon drizzle over chocolate cake so i understand if you've got a hankering for cake and there's only lemon drizzle left no hankering for cake no chocolate cake is heavy as fuck yeah every time you fancy a cake you're like yes fucking double chocolate fudge gato that's full-on isn't it sarah lee chocolate gato with double cream a victoria sponge it's just do you know sarah lee was married to paul mccartney in my head was she in it was she in steps lisa scott that was lisa scottling she's from real and andy scottley was someone else her brother

yeah but i don't know. But he was something else. He was in Steps. No, he was a singer on his own right. Yeah. Have his own back. It's the lovely Lisa Scott Lee. That's weird. It's about four foot nine as well.

Did she have, was she blonde? No. Was she the brunette? Yeah. She's now a teacher in Dubai. She came to my mate's birthday party when we were at college. Lisa Scott Lee. Lisa Scott Lee. Lisa Scott Lee.

I've watched 7,000 episodes and still haven't revelations. There used to be a B&Q just north of the town centre in Preston and there was some sort of fucking social club.

Someone randomly had one of their birthdays from college there. Fuck me. I wish I knew his name. Oh, Jerry Mc of their birthdays from college there. Fuck me. I wish I knew his name. Oh, Jerry McLaughlin's mate from the band Cujo. Oh, fuck! Oh, man!

The band Cujo. Did you not have college bands? We had college bands. No. Cujo were like the popular college band because they were all the sound guys. You'd get your head punched in if you'd even knew what a band was in our sixth form.

What do you mean? We're too cool for school in sixth form, mate. No bands. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're too cool for school. You wasn't in any bands. You just played five a side for 26 hours a day, lads. Otherwise, you were fucking homosexual.

No, that is exactly what our school was like right up until the third year of sixth form. There was no band at college. Music was gay. Kidding. Well. Genuinely, you would be homophobically abused if you went near a guitar. You were in There was no There was no There was no band at college Music was gay Correct Well Like genuinely Like you would be homophobically abused If you went near a guitar Correct

So sad It's so fucking sad What a sad thing Yeah it is sad When you're all 17 17, 18 year old lads Pathetic Yeah horrible

Was the college band at yours? No they didn't they didn't have any funding for music so we weren't allowed to do it oh no hang on it wasn't a college

hell this is the Cardinal Newman band it was just lads no no one no one did music no one did music no we did bears

and 40 lads wow cool well we had loads of fun going to fucking battle of the bands nights supporting our mates we had loads of fun going to fucking battle of the bands nights supporting our mates we had loads of fun

playing 45 a side yeah on a five side you went to battle of the bands are you in a like a fucking 90s American film

battle of the bands no I just had mates in bands just because you've never had mates in bands doesn't mean this shit doesn't exist bands doesn't sound

like a word anymore I once kicked Suso out of a bed. Right, Lisa Scott Lee, go on. It's fucking pointless. The ADHD. Lad, bands, I cannot believe you knew anyone that played an instrument. You should end your own life and don't get a fucking Google Pixel 7.

Anyway, Dan, go on. Carry on the story. Was Lisa Scott Lee in your college band? No, she was a goth and I killed her because she was gay. Because Lisa Scott Lee didn't play 45 Aside every day. What have you come to, a party? By the way, it needs explicitly said. We're not saying it was good.

We're not saying this is like a point of pride. We're saying our school was horrific and ridiculous. Oh, okay, good. We're not saying like, oh, your school was shit. You had music. Should have played with was horrific and ridiculous. Oh, okay, good. I thought it was... We're not saying like, oh, your school was shit. You had music. Should have played with Kinraid and Tom. Kinraid and... Yeah.

No, we're saying we liked it, but our school was so fucking... I can't even think of the word. Tell me what it was like. All right, cool. Well, our college was... You wouldn't get pissed off with a Vietnam veteran telling you about his woes, would you? Yeah, I would.

I'd be like, stop fucking whinging. They were shooting. They were shooting they were shooting shut up Jeff I thought you were having a go this you know what I've got no I've got PTSD

from being absolutely abused on the Patreon episode for going I don't want an iPhone you absolutely why bring it back up why bring it back up

fucking emotionally karate chop me and now I'm like, I feel like every time I go, yeah, there was lads at school that had a band. Oh, fucking hell, lads. That is a war crime. I feel like that's how everything goes.

Lemon chisel cake. End your life. End your children's life. Have you ever picked a fucking lemon chisel cake? Kill your children. Good night. Tiago is a fucking wall. End his life as well.

If you pick lemon chisel cake, you should kill Tiago Alcantara. That's what I think. The trailer is going to have absolutely none of the guests in this week. Dan, do you know I kicked Suso out of Adam's birthday party? My 21st.

Former Liverpool hot prospect Suso. I was about to say the lad that didn't do much he's in italy no no he did quite he did quite well in the end he went to sevilla and then went to ac milan oh sorry but he didn't do much for lsa no so he was he was knocking about adam's party i invited them he never he got there and got a bit rowdy no he never invited them did he turn up with lisa scott lee he did No, we're in the VIP section of this gaff for this party and Suso wandered in

and I went, Simon, how are you? And he went, oh, I'm Suso. I went, I couldn't give a fuck who you are. Are you invited to this party? And he went,

no, I went, get out then. And he found out and went mad. Why are you kicking Liverpool players at the party? I couldn't give a fuck who you are. Right, hang on there's pictures

100% there's pictures of it I'll show you it's got his hood up like a daft twat imagine if Ronald Koeman had turned up I think it's on my old

Instagram that I could never delete and also couldn't yeah because he was like how did Suso find out about your birthday party because someone told him about it

he was like oh yeah I'm a VIP I wandered into this see what it is I went you're uninvited kid get out you're not even made the first team

you're not making the party and he went why are you kicking the pool players at my party because you wasn't invited that's me and Sousa at my 21st let's see

yeah I wasn't joking Liverpool's so stupid yeah lads Sousa was at my party fucking El Hadjouf came to me nieces Christmas. I kick him out of that as well at that spot.

Carl just fucking off, everyone. Hey, Phil Thompson, get back in your car. Do you know I used to shout big nose at Phil Thompson every single day? In his car? You don't look loads, you look better. Yeah. What Carl't look loads. You look better. Yeah. But Carl literally looks like... Well, Carl's beard,

what it does more than anything is hides out pointy his chinners. Oh, my God. Carl has got an absolute derita where there's a fucking face. It's like someone stuck him in a suit after rescuing him from Auschwitz. I know, mate.

It's a bit rough, isn't it? Are you mocking the Holocaust? He's mocking your face. It sounds like you're making light of the Holocaustocaust good keep underlining it carl keep on well yeah i don't give a fuck who you think you are you're not invited to the party and i kicked them out like get out well everyone was well happy that lisa scott lee from steps turned up to matthew something's party as well she wasn't fucking invited she was actually really unfortunate She was If she was invited Cool

She was dating someone's Like his older brother Or his cousin or something You can't use the Scott Lee name To get in anywhere You can't use the Scott Lee name

Suso was there as well It was weird 11 You're right lads Literally You're just Carl did kick him out Portuguese child

Right Carl did kick him out And child right Carl did kick him out and then about 10 minutes later someone was like did you see Suso before come into your birthday and Carl's hoping to fuck off and I went mental

and I was like why are you kicking him out and then I but he'd stayed in the club he'd stayed in the club so I went and found him in the club and took that photograph

good looking lad me I know yeah Suso good looking lad Suso you keep him around oh is that is that the

no he had a hud up. There's enough Spanish at that party. Yeah, there was only one good... I was the fucking Spanish contingent. He had us hud up. Who does he think he is? It was the night time in... Liverpool hot prospect, Sousa.

Yeah, well, not on my watch. Get out. I had such high hopes for him. The player I had the most high hopes for ever at Liverpool that never made it at all. Gonzalez. Danny Pacheco. Oh. yes from greece now he was spanish as well

he's spanish as well is that danny zuko joke that was danny zuko on it i think it made sense in my head as soon as you said it i was like i need a need a cool rider. Shit, that's Grease 2. I know, I've never seen Grease 2, but Grease 1 is one. You know, I'm not a fan of musicals. Grease 1 is fire. Grease 1 is just something that my sister played so much, it didn't give a shit if I liked it or not. It was just on and on. And she just watched it and watched it.

So I know all of it. And then Grease 2 was a similar thing. Grease is the word is a certified band. Oh, mate. Yeah, Grease goes off. The word that you heard. It's Grease 2 was a similar thing. Grease is the word is a certified band. Oh, mate. Yeah. Grease is the word that you heard. It's got groove. It's got meaning.

Also, Finn, can you do me a favor? Can you run into the lobby and tell them that the food is on the way and that the code is 29 and then we're done? Grease 2 is here. Tell them to get off. Just tell them to go and wait downstairs, please. Lucas Laver's trying to get in. Tell him to fuck off.

Oh, I didn't order Sophie any food. She doesn't like Indian. Grease is the word, is the word. Have you seen Grease 2? You've never seen it? No, I don't want to ruin it. Reproduction. Is it the same, like, same...

Same vibe. Rydal High, is it? Yeah. Rydal, Rydal. So, Ben Wadsworth says... That was absolutely textbook, he's had a lemon odyssey and we didn't even get

to the end of the question. What he tried was, he got back into lemon curd. He started using lemon curd, which is a childhood spread of mine that I've never, I don't think I've eaten lemon curd since 1991.

Brother of cake head? Curd. lemon curd since 1991 brother of cake head um curd um they got treated so badly i was joking lemon kids got treated awfully awful um lemon cake limoncello um so he says i fancy doing something again this year to get into something new, but what should I get into? Beetroot. That's from old Wado. Beetroot. Beetroot. Yeah. My gran used to love beetroot.

I made beetroot on a scouse. She, um... Horrific. Ruins her. Oh, no, do you reckon, yeah? Yeah, but on a fucking... I don't like the juice, but I like the actual beetroot. On a chocolate fudge cake.

She used to pickle it, I think. Pickle beetroot, is that right? It comes used to pickle it I think pickle beetroot is that right it comes pickled doesn't it oh does it I know nothing about proper food

I'm really worried about our roast it's going to be phenomenal just be worried about how nice it is Laura was like you're doing what

so she was like you're having are we have we spoken about this we're doing a Christmas dinner I'm doing a Christmas dinner

for these guys to give each other presents. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a massive secret, does it? I didn't know you knew. Right. Okay, good. And I'm having my first roast. You are.

You're having an Adam roast. Genuinely, you're going to go, you're going to go, oh, wow, that's good. And, oh, that's good. I don't think you know how food phobias work. I'm not going to be like, oh, God, yeah, great. I'm going to go a roast of Adam you're going to go oh wow that's good and oh that's good I don't think you know how food phobias work I'm not going to be like oh god yeah

great I'm going to go I'm going to regress for fork as well yeah it's going to go bad my roasties you're never going to

have a chip again oh when I get that peri peri salt out and put it on those roasties they're going to bang mate if you try one

without peri peri salt on it you can then do whatever you want to the rest of them. Okay, cool. I can eat. What meat are we going for? I'm doing lamb and chicken. Together.

Can we have a goose? Hybrid. What? Can we have a goose? Bring your ma, yeah? Hey. Clip it. Can you put that lamb in the chicken?

Then, because me and Adam couldn't think of anything else beetroot is the answer beetroot it used to be in Battery Park when I used to live in Chorlton one of my memories of Chorlton is in Manchester there's a place called Battery Park

and it does smoothies and one of their smoothies had beetroot in it and I was trying to be healthier so it was like orange carrot or whatever and a bit had beetroot in it. And I was trying to be healthier. So it was like, it was orange carrot or whatever and a bit of beetroot. And it fucking worked. Yeah, beetroot goes off me.

All right, cool. I'm going to start smoking next year. That's my New Year's resolution. You're not my mate then. We'll put your arms down. Off. That's a red card. You're not smoking in here.

I let him off. Hang on. Smoking what? Just cigars. Oh, wow. I'm becoming a pot man. I'll let him off. Hang on. Smoking what? Just cigars? Oh, wow. I'm becoming a pot man. Yeah, thinking of yours? Yeah.

Oh, we should go to Amsterdam then. I'm doing my potty training in January. And then... That's usually something else. Dream? Oh, you... He's learning how to use the toilet. Oh, he's learning how to smoke pot.

Can't wait for you to actually... This is a separate issue. Can't wait for you to actually get stoned when you thought you were stoned on cbd can i get stoned before the christmas dinner so that i've got the munchies so that i actually eat the roast of adam no oh that would have worked i think if i if i the fucking... Christmas isn't a time for pot. Christmas is a time for celebrating the people you love and family. And good food and good people. Finn, don't tell no one.

I'm going to do it like a big feast where I just put a tray of roasties out and you just help yourself to the roasties. Oh, American style? Yeah. Pass the yams, Dan. That's what I'll say. Yams!

We're having a Thanksgiving. Don't shout like that, because I'm just letting you know, this is separate from what me and Finn talk about. The Brad Pitt quote. Sometimes when I sit down for a meal, I can seem a little bit hazy. And I do suffer in and around mid-December,

late December, with quite bad red eye. I'm just letting you know, don't shout yams. It's a friend's quote. Is it? Yeah. It's Brad Pitt.

My allergies get bad in and around third week of December. You're going to get stoned, aren't you? Piratong. It's going to work. Edible. I'm very excited. I'm hungry now, so I'm excited for it. You know what I mean? I can eat it now.

It's going to be wonderful. We're having stuffing. Yeah. Yorkshires. What is stuffing? What is stuffing, by the way? Sage and onion. Oh, mate.

It's lovely. I could eat a vat of stuffing. Can I have stuffing without sage or onion? Yeah. Oh, cool. Do you know when you make a stuffing, do you like the crispy outer layer or do you like tucking into the middle,

kind of slightly softer? I like the crispy bit personally, do you like tucking into the middle kind of slightly softer? I like the crispy bit personally, but you need a good balance of both. So we're having stuffing. We're having pigs in blankets. Yes. Yorkies, lamb and chicken, roasties and mash. Oh my God.

Yeah, Dan, you like mash? I don't need carrots. I despise mash. Honey glazed carrots, honey glazed parf snips. Carrot and turnip No just carrots No carrot and turnip Honey glazed carrots, honey glazed parsnips

Mash is the worst form of potato Wrong There is no worse form of potato than mash I like mash, I really do But I agree with him All other potato based banter is better than Crisps, chips, French fries. I think it is the worst, but it's still great.

For me, it just pips hash brown. No, a hash brown at the right time. No, because roasties are go-to. When you're hungover with your Maccy D's breakfast, you want a load of mash. Yeah, Maccy's breakfast is shit, by the way. Can you keep listing what we're having

I think I was done with gravy on the top are we having any like pre-cursor like a starter like a corn salad cheese porn cocktail even I'm having a pre-cursor

there'll be a cheese born for afterwards 200 milligrams can we have a prawn cocktail or a soup Finn on your way

200 milligrams yeah I want a Joey Diaz dose you want to go vegetarian that's right I didn't a Joey Diaz Yeah Dose You want to go vegetarian That's right cocksucker Yeah I didn't do Joey Diaz then

I did Benicio Del Toro In Usual Suspects Give me the fucking Coo The cocksucker Have you ever had another Prawn cocktail

Have I what Coo Cocksucker What Where the fuck It was four o'clock wasn't it Give me the Ah fuck

Fuck Have you ever had A prawn cocktail What the fuck Has Dan ever something Oh fuck Fuck Have you ever had A prawn cocktail What the fuck Has Dan ever had A prawn cocktail Sorry Carl What's the question

Have you ever eaten It's more likely He's had a prawn's cock On his ass Have you ever Well Either That's what sets my allergies off

Third week of December What's the What's the sauce No course I've not Gravy If you're having gravy On your prawn cocktail, Thousand Island sauce.

Cold prawns on lettuce with some fucking sieges on it. Do you think I've had that, Carl? Oh, it's so good. It literally looks like the kind of ice cream you get in hell. I don't really love prawns cold. I like them hot. I've actually got prawns sat out there right now. Can you press that button so I can go and eat them?

Yeah, I'm starving. Come on. Let let's get him one more would you rather quickly no quickly zach roberts says all right lids would you rather give up your favorite meal for life or only eat your favorite thing for every uh oh only your favorite thing hang on for every meal for a year keep smashing it so basically I've got to give up roast dinners forever all I can eat for a year

is roast dinners I'd give up roast dinners forever I could live without roast dinners it's just my favourite meal that variety of life I need it I'm a spicy guy yeah you can't wake up

and have a roast dinner for your breakfast alright I'm going to do a quick caveat because that was too easy would you rather give up your favourite meal for life Spicy guy. Yeah, you can't wake up and have a roast dinner for your breakfast. Alright, I'm going to do a quick caveat because that was too easy. Would you rather give up your favourite meal for life

or you have to eat your favourite thing once a day for a year? So you lose, you either lose a leg of lamb that's off the table forever

or you have to have a bit of lamb at some point in every day. Oh, a bit of lamb every day then? A roast dinner takes up like eight hours for me. Right.

Yeah. So I don't know. But that isn't my favourite meal. I'd give up my favourite meal because I like a lot of different food. So I could live without my favourite. I could probably live without my favourite like four things. If I lose one of my favourite, like a favourite meal, that's 25% of my diet gone.

It's a major problem. Nando's? Surely Nando's surely Nando's is your favourite losing Nando's would be problematic for me yeah

give me some edibles can we go and eat now I'd love to have some edibles that's how we eat some edible lamb chops we got it see you after the break Carl does not love

this job does he I love this job you do yeah I feel like you have lost a little bit of lust no he's not he's not that's it last i remember when he first asked he was like bright i don't know now he's just he seems oh no he still loves it he's just that's his drug habit he's just got a bigger self-destruct button than ever yeah and he loves fuck oh the fire button from the arena yeah what a great idea the fire button from the arena. Yeah. What a great idea the fire was.

I don't know whose idea that was, but shout out to Adam. It was my idea. Adam Conway came in and went, do you want fire? And we all went, yeah. We do, yeah. He came in and I said, I want fire. And he said, do you want fire?

And then he said, good idea, Adam. You're the king. I heard the fire was actually burning five pound notes. That's what it was fuelled by My favourite thing was the fella going There isn't enough gas in that for you Like there's so much gas in it You couldn't possibly use it all And we were like

Okay Leaning on the fucking fire The arena's still warm now You can see the front row Every time we twatted the fire button The front row were good Some of our OG patrons were going Fucking hell that is quite warm actually You can see the front row every time we twat at the fire button. The front row were good. Some of our OG patrons go,

fucking hell, that is quite warm, actually. It is fire. Paul Smith here, ladies and gentlemen. You haven't even been for a visit yet. I haven't been for a visit, no. It's sad, isn't it? Sad, sad times. We're all busy.

Yeah. You're here now. I'm here now. You know what what it's incredible it is isn't it it is I'd live here yeah some of us do

Finn's stayed here more than his own house yeah fair play mate I know yeah it's cool out there the couches are comfy

they're worth crashing on do you know what I mean why would we put them up in a hotel I'm like no you can sleep on the floor yeah it's your Finn

you know what I mean he's a nice family he likes the floor don't you he likes the floor do you think so yeah yeah there's a nice family. He likes the floor, don't you? He likes the floor. Do you think so? Yeah. Yeah, there's a nice community out there.

There's no one else in, just chilling. There's a dog. That's the most people that's ever been in here at once, I think, before. Probably, yeah. That's what it should be like. Carlin and Socks just playing a little basketball and that. Yeah, yeah.

Just fucking chilling. Feels like Christmas out there. I think we should get the next floor down and make it a bar. Like a sports bar. Where guys hang out and eat wings. A sports bar? Like a sports bar where guys hang out and eat wings. A sports bar. That's what we call it, guys.

Adam and Bart, everyone. Actual punters would turn up. Five guys. What's this? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, we've turned this into a bar. Speaking of sports bar. Look at this.

Are they in plastic glasses? Right. Steve. Steve. I'd rather have had a fucking cup of mocha. What's a plastic glass? It's a glass that's made of plaster.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. You just call it a plaster. No, it's a plastic glass, isn't it? Because glass has got two meanings. One meaning the material and another meaning the receptacle. A glass doesn't have to be made of glass to be a glass. It does. It absolutely does. Is it as nice? It it's not as nice but it's actually nice you're in the guinness just for the audio um randomly

a pint of guinness was suggested by one of uh one of these and then all of a sudden yeah someone brought it up there's britain a crescendo of booners it's a post work paul's been for I'm putting a G on that, yeah. It's a post-workout. Paul's been for a workout, so it's his post. Your post-workout. There's a lot of iron in it. It's like me and Finn don't want a Guinness.

I know you don't because you're the fucking gimp. Cheers, everyone. Cheers. Cheers. Well, that's good, that. That's all right, that. It is all right, isn't it? And it's an extra cold one. That's what's helping it there.

That is absolutely it. My hands are like fucking... Oh, mate, I've split them. Are you nervous being back in? Yeah. It's a lot of pressure after you... I've split the glass. I didn't realise I was successful as you were until the other day.

I don't watch it. We don't watch it. I heard Jimmy Carr said it was tiny, so... He did and he was corrected many times over how are you I'm very well you know very very well

you've got some gob shade to it yeah what's going on we've been doing some he turns up like fucking Kevin Hart now he's got

he's got a crew of mainly white guys I'm constantly filmed at all times now for content that's how we live yeah but it's exhausting at the arena

we'll put a lapel mic on me and I was like just have that on all day I'm going to record everything you say and we can use it and I was like

I don't trust myself to not say something horrific that ends all of our careers in one fell swoop I don't want to be filmed at all times it's bad enough

when we press record in here and I have to mind what I'm saying were you lapel mic'd up when it was kicking off I was no but that would have

been good footage oh lord I was what's all the time content wise obviously no I'm joking these are filming me today

because we're doing I'm training for an MMA fight for charity next year for weapons that I't gloves up. So that's going to be against, I can't say. In the UFC.

Well, it's a promotion called Octagon MMA out of Eastern Europe. Massive promotion over there. Out of Eastern Europe? Out of the, out of Slovakia. Oh,

good, good. You're going in the Slovakian league? Yeah. So you're doing an MMA match? I am massive in Slovakia, you know. What?

Massive in Slovakia. You what massive in Slovakia you are really big like I am playing the Bratislava arena yeah you think that arena

shows we should see what I do in Slovakia that's fucking what you're playing in Slovakia

this year it's the Slamanabad oh mate the Slamanabad Slamanabad I love Slamanabad weirdly Muslim arena it's called that'slamamabad. Weirdly Muslim arena.

It's called, that's what the nickname is, the Weirdly Muslim Arena, Shrata Slava. Muslim country. The Shlamamabad. I feel like next time I go to Slovakia, I'm getting my head smashed in. All the dyslexic Muslims celebrating Shlamadam. Okay, job for tomorrow, learn slovakian why um why are

you doing an mma fight um because brian who is off camera is a prick and uh he's a friend of his friend of milo's used to be a comic um and he messaged me going do you want to do an mma fight and i said no yeah and then he just kept fucking going on about it and then i kind of did want to do it it scares the fuck out of me. And I kind of like the challenge of it. Who are you fighting? I can't say. Oh, you can't?

It's not fully. Is he a gimp though? Oh, you told me. Is he a human? Because if it's out of Eastern Europe. He seems like a nice guy. And I know Laurie fancies him. So I just want to rip his fucking arm off.

It's Eamon Holmes. Sorry, Lord. I can't believe you did that.. It's Eamon Holmes. Sorry, Lord. I can't believe you did that. Paul Smith versus Eamon Holmes. Lordy fancies to fuck up. You know what? His ground game is heavy. He's got a heavy top pressure.

You'd be fucking gutted if you gave your missus a hall pass and she was like, yeah, Eamon Holmes. I'd be actually dead happy with that. I'd think, you know what? You've got a kinky thing I can't fulfil. Yeah. Eamon Holmes! I can't roleplay Eamon Holmes

I'm sorry The thing is though You could play it Easily you just put his accent on And just say some terrible news Good morning people have fucking died again Suck my cock What do you think Eamon Holmes is chopping?

Gerry Adams That's Gerry Adams I mean if she said she wanted to be Gerry Adams, I'd be a bit more worried. I will not relinquish my right to bang your messes. David Holmes is not

a news reporter. He told loads of people that they're such big cusses. Good morning, Kristen. Loads of people. Oh my God. Okay, well then, just interview some fucking,

what are they called? Like the little Puff pieces Like the news stories Where it's just like Someone Don't call them that no more Puffed pieces There's a T on the end of it

Is there Yeah yeah yeah Is there really Yeah yeah yeah I thought it was meant to like Puff out the show Puffed out the show Oh right okay

So that's what you do then You go hello My name's Eamon Holmes And this guy Lost his dog But found it again Anyway Suck my cock That's how That's how you do then? You go, hello, my name's Eamon Holmes and this guy lost his dog but found it again. Anyway, suck my cock. That's how he ends everything.

That's how he ends everything. Anyway. Anyway, suck my cock. And here's something a little different. Suck my cock. I would watch the tell. I'd wake up at 6am to watch that. I would.

Absolutely. Watch that live. See, don't tell me i wouldn't improve um look here's another thing i think while we're on this do you know when like in relationships people get given hall passes or people a common thing is to make a list of five isn't it that you're allowed to sleep with the other person can't get married. People do go too high with that. Do you know what I mean? They should go for low-level celebrities rather than like, oh, I want to do Tom Cruise, Denzel Washington.

You go for like Paul Dunant. Like, do you know like people- Paul Dunant. People who are on the way down. He drinks in the air, doesn't he? Exactly. Can't be having that accessible. Like someone who is in Brookside.

Yeah. Like Lisa Scott Lee. Sinbad. Is he dead? Sinbad Michael Stark's still alive I think he's in the Royal Court He's just watching Accessible

You could go and wait at the Royal Court door And shag him by the end of the day The whole pass can't just be like You know The paper man The post man go and wait at the door and suck him off. The whole pass can't just be like, you know, like the paper man. Paper man. The post man. Everyone's famous now, don't they?

Exactly. They've got to be famous. But you just pick someone who's like, career's on the way down. Because that's much more achievable. Get him on the fucking hall pass. Yeah, Alexandra Bear. Barry Scott. I was the fucking hall pass. Yeah, Alexandra Bear Taito.

Oh, Barry Scott. I was someone's hall pass. Barry Scott. They emailed last year. Oh, I remember, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. That's a very accessible, she was like, listen. Then she's got to be, did you go, you're not my hall pass,

so that's not going to work. She was like, my partner said it's cool, and one of my hall pass celebrities is Dan Nightingale. This is like a year ago when we were doing all right but we were like like so i was on the list and she was like yeah so he said it's fine to fuck a celebrity that i fancy and dan's it she sent it via email on a monday morning from from a works email you can't argue with admin like that yeah she lives in chester i mean it's not you just go you go on the way down you go as local as possible like someone who was in Coddy

Heidi from the original line up of the Sugar Babes no I think she's she's a bit high enough yeah oh no I always go Muttier Muttier Bueno

oh she takes it up the Muttier Bueno fact Bueno Bueno she got naked Muttier

Bueno yeah no you're right you go low go low yeah that's why Lee Carsley's on mine I'd suck the She got naked, muttier. Yeah, no, you're right. You go low. Go low. Yeah. That's why Lee Carsley's on mine. I'd suck the... right out of Lee Carsley.

It does make sense, though. Like, what's the point of me going for, like, Catherine Zeta-Jones? I'm never going to meet her, am I? She's on nobody's list. You might do. Yeah, but she's... And what if you did?

The likelihood of me meeting her in a place where she would be willing and able to fuck me they're all unlikely what what hang on I think the venue

is the issue yeah I saw Catherine Zeta-Jones at a film premiere I don't fuck the shit out of her but she was busy tell you what

if I ever bump into her round mine or in Teddy's she's fucking getting it I reckon Adam would have a shot in Teddy's he's big or in Teddy's she's fucking getting it I reckon Adam would have a shot in Teddy's he's big news

in Teddy's you go into Teddy's with Adam it's fucking like the it's like part of the Red Sea

says you only because I'm behind Adam that's why I've been going to Teddy's with Paul it's a lot of fun

we ended up against the barrier just like I seen those same guys after that they come up and they were like they made up to see me again they must be in there like every week I just think it's so funny we and me and Dan ended up it was me Dan and the biggest man we I he was what I was always about seven foot two or something I'd honestly say he was like six foot six or six foot seven man quite far apart he was just on the dance floor

singing Tenacious D with us. And I was like, I'm getting by this guy because if anything kicks off. Seven foot two you went for? Yeah, he was big. This was after your... That doesn't know.

He's a lot lower than me in his perspective. He was a giant. This was after one of your recordings. No, it wasn't your recording. It was your first philharmonic show. After your philharmonic show.

Oh, when I went to Paris. Yeah, you went to Paris and me and... And I'd had a bit of stuff and i was everyone's friend i literally went up to her and go mate like i was like you've got such a lovely like nature about you everyone's asking me and paul for selfies mainly paul but me as well and then i just turned to the biggest dude on the dance floor you're so big You've got a lovely nature and a nice smile And he was like thanks mate It could have gone so wrong

And at one point we were dancing And I was like ah he's great We're having a great time And I was like laughing to myself about how nice and big that guy was And I just tapped a girl on the shoulder And went look how nice he is Considering he's like such a big guy And she literally looked at me like I was fingering a cat she was like oh yeah not everyone's on coke it was a nice i thought he was like norwegian

until we got out the place and then he was like jordy yeah but they sound very similar don't they in like a loud place how dare you because the way he looked he thought he was an actual viking i thought he was a viking but got lost on the way to valhalla and ended up in teddy's yeah well that could be valhalla. Yeah, but like, they are the most Viking in the UK, the Geordies, aren't they? Like, really. They're very close.

That's where they first landed, isn't it? Howe, Norway. There you go. That's why they call it Howe, because it was originally Norway and it's just like eroded over time. They call it Howe. Howe.

Norway. Norway, man. Oli, you really big in slovakia yeah shut up is that the maddest country you're big in i'm big in bali as well that's because you've been no because the internet i didn't realize that i got there it's not insane to you people stopping on scooters waving at me now is that because you're white though and you're the only white one oh my god you're so ginger. I am joking, but people got, I must've got about 15 selfies while I was in Bali

because I am ginger and I've got like loads of bright tattoos or like chakras and stuff, which is there. So they thought I was some kind of mad, like sacred human. Like I was in the temples and the monks were turning me down. I've got all you need is love tattooed on my chest.

And he was like, all you need is love. This is my chest. And he was like, all you need is love. This is very wise. And I was like, yeah, I came up with that. It's got that in Blackpool on a stag do. I am the walrus on the other. You believe in reincarnation.

Yeah. Do you remember my students who knew you? That was the Japanese kid. Fucking mother. 16 year old Japanese kid. I did get recognised in Bali in a waterfall in the middle of the jungle

by an American which blew my head off that's insane he was so happy to see me yeah because in his head he's had mushrooms that morning

yeah like you're the least likely person for him to possibly see there yeah and I was like that does take because you never get used to it anyway

even in town no but everywhere it's, that does take it, because you never get used to it anyway, even in town. No. But everywhere, it's everywhere. There was a patron in the Maldives and there's 200 people on the island and there was a patron there. And my dad said, never speak to him again.

Leave him alone. Don't let him speak to you. When you mess, I was made up, when he was in New York. On the restaurant. The guy was so happy to giving him like a free dessert

because he loved us. Yeah, I'd gone to I did Schultz's podcast and was like I want to go for Italian food where's the best Italian in Brooklyn

oh yeah yeah and he goes Valor who does Schultz's videos and stuff was like I'll try this place or this place

and we toss up between the two and we went to this one and this fella he's from Eastern Europe but lives in Brooklyn he's from Slovakia I think he might be

like thinking about it and I turn up and he's like he was so sort of like weird he was like right okay took us through

we were two of maybe like six people in the restaurant at this time because it was like early dinner it was like 4pm and then he just

we ordered a starter each and he brought us them but then a platter of starters and we were like and have this as well and then the mains we ordered a starter each and he brought us them but then a platter of starters and we were like and have this as well and then the mains

he brought something else and then a complimentary dessert and coffees and stuff and cocktails and he was just like I just want to let you know I watch videos of you podcasting you and Paul

doing comedy at the Hot Water Comedy Club and this was a Slovakian waiter in Williamsburg, Brooklyn it was so surreal international God bless the internet God bless the internet mate isn so surreal. God bless the internet.

God bless the internet, mate, innit? Yeah. God bless the internet, the world's tiny. Because TV wasn't doing fucking nothing for me, baby. Or me, mate. Cheers, man. It's done bits for me. Fuck the TV. Fuck the TV.

I remember a few years ago talking to a mate of mine who's a comedian. He was like, I think I'm just, it's not going to work out with TV. I think I'm just going to do it the Paul Smith way. And I was like, cool, that isn't a way. That isn't a way. Paul's done it. That isn't a way. You don't just going to do it the Paul Smith way and I was like cool that isn't a way that isn't a way Paul's done it that isn't a way

you don't just go do you know what actually fuck TV I'm going to do what Paul Smith did and I was like mate that's not going to happen again

and then two years later all fucking me and Rowie doing a podcast version of the same shit your next show is on sale we were talking

last night Well it is But there's no point Plugging it Because you can't buy it Until like Next fucking October It's gone

It's mad I don't know what the fuck I keep thinking People are winding me up now Because they just keep Putting dates on In these venues And I'm like

I've started messing With the venues Because they keep tagging me I'm like oh fuck off Not another one They're mad Like the O2 Apollo In Manchester Is going to have, fuck off. Not another one. You're mad. Like, the O2 Apollo in Manchester is going to have to give me my own room,

I think. You're doing six there? Six there. Fucking three in the arena in Belfast. I've got, like, I don't, it's mad. I've got six shows in Newcastle City Hall. And that's on top of, like,

the 8,000 tickets are sold in Billingham. Done three shows in Stockton. It's fucking crazy. I can't even count them anymore would you not do a foreign a foreign date we'll try you've got to do Slovakia

you've got to give the people what they want yeah I'm doing a stadium in Slovakia the bad the bad stadium the

the the the stadium and then we're going right over to the Czech Republic imagine doing like a Bali date Bali

Czech Republic Slovakia Bali Bali date Bali yeah Czech Republic Slovakia Bali that's the tour can I do support on that tour please thank you I will clear the diary

you've got to look ahead into Europe now though no I am we've got we've got I'm going to do an Amsterdam show

definitely early 2024 hopefully and then try and do amsterdam stockholm pot um oslo copenhagen then down into berlin sick um you're gonna smoke a pot when you're in amsterdam absolutely yeah we're going in january you got any tips for us we go to nxt like get some truffles go to nxt museum it's a big massive art installation but it's i don't like truffle

oil or anything like that though yeah yeah you'll love it um you don't like truffle oil it's like in the paintings it's mad anyway so it's chippy anyway but take some truffles you'll have the fucking best day of your life we're all newbies though yeah just get light ones it's fine okay just i think it'll be better footage though if i just take the highest grade. It's not what you think it's going to be like. I was going to do like six or seven blunts. If I just have like... That'd be so much worse than doing one week. Paul, talk him through it

because he's going to approach drug taking, like weed and... I'm just going to start with smack and work my way down. He's honestly, he's going to do all the edibles.

That would be better for him. He's going to go too many edibles. I honestly think you'll freak out more on weed than you would on heroin because you just wouldn't be able to, you'd just be so chilled on heroin

that you'd just be like, okay, I'm all right here, but you're going to have weed and then go, oh, I'm so high, and your head's going to fall. I think that's good. Have you ever had weed before? But not like an edible.

No, I've been a bit of a pot man since Loretta Mars. You can't stay off the pot. Yeah. Go to the Jolly Joker. That's the best coffee shop. and slow wrap the mask and shit you can't stay off the pot yeah go to the go to the Jolly Joker that's the best coffee shop they love us there as well

they be fans Finn knows them all he's the fucking pot the Jolly Joker you been there before? on the NXT art installation yeah let's remember these

yeah and Frank's house go there on pot absolutely don't go anywhere near it smash the truffles don't don't ever have

mushrooms and go near that place the energy is so dark that you will cry for about three weeks i was gonna look into hiring for the day and play an idency yeah do that but be so i know you're not that's fucking sad it's a i can't even walk near it i'm like i've been i'm not going with carl i'm not going with carl because he's going to Walk around going Anne! Anne! Are you there? Yeah she's good at hiding Very high ceilings Yeah That's what I thought

There was There was really high ceilings Like it was a really Affluent building Everyone's just analysing it I'm looking forward To sort of start On my drug journey though

You know what I mean See him on our leg Yeah I came to drugs Quite late It's fun Yeah I'm going to have a space flat and you're after party to the day i won't tell you it was but because i'd fully intended because

laurie went to your show and i had come from hot water so i'm gonna i'll have two pints me and chat when i have two pints when i have a chilled one got to the party and everyone was having a bus i was like it's good in here because it was a good vibe in there i walked up i walked to a friend of ours And he's like You alright? I went I've got loads of pills here

Do you want one? I went Oh Absolutely Did you see that man's eyes? Mate About half an hour later I was hugging Freddie Quinton

And I loved him And he was like You alright? And I went I've had ecstasy And he was like Yeah yeah I love you so much

Did you see his eyes? The man you're talking about His eyes after that His eyes terrified me It was just all Someone beat him up To take his drugs off you see his eyes the man you're talking about his eyes after that his eyes terrified me it was just all someone beat him up to take his drugs off him so his eyes were like

no it was just all people it was terrifying great night though who's I genuinely don't know he's tall oh

yeah is he a Viking I think he's what seven two seven two thought he was a Scandinavian, but he wasn't. Lovely hugger.

Yeah. I can't believe you can do pills in somewhere like that. I just, I mean, it's been a long time since I've done that. Probably the best idea, but I had a lot of time.

When we used to go clubbing, I wanted to be in a nightclub with the right type of music with everyone else on pills. I can't believe you can be like, yeah, Finn's mum will be there. I'll get on the fucking Gary's. I had to have got it off. I can't believe you can be like yeah finn's mum will be there i'll get on the on the fucking gary's i can't believe oh i'm sorry going to kuvalu's got a lovely energy though lovely massive eyes i've always said that about finn's mom for all the poirot watching the kelk what

what she has got big teeth oh god your mind doesn't have big tips oh no no she's what we call in the industry a juggernaut oh no big titted i don't think that's i don't think that's necessary it's always always too far. What are you on about? You just called his mother a big-titted bitch. It's not okay on any level. We've been nominated for a National Comedy Award. They're going to find this. It's where comedy is now. Yeah.

On the telly, yeah. Can you apologise to your mother for me? Oh, that was a joke, by the way. She'll watch this. It's the hypothetical mum. It's not his actual mum. I'll go see her. Hypothetical? That wasn't. That was mean. It's all hypothetical mum It's not his actual mum Hypothetical That wasn't, that was mean

It's all a hypothetical thing Your hypothetical mum When we talk about Mars and Nans and fucking all that gear I'm talking about I wish mine was hypothetically dead But she did Crack insect crack insect I wouldn't even say that the fucking

Poirot's on her do you know what I mean oh dear okay now yeah I'm excited to start my drug journey see what works

see what doesn't I'm gonna do I think MDMA will be a good one for you do you reckon I honestly genuinely and I'm not going to do I think MDMA would be a good one for you do you reckon I honestly genuinely and I'm not joking

think you'll like MDMA and I think you'll love mild psychedelics I think that's where you'll flourish I don't think you'll like coke coke's not for you shrooms and mandy

well I've had coke and I don't really like it coke's not for you at all coke's just going to make you more anxious but I think mandy's not mandy will just make you so

so happy who's mandy yeah she's a big tits slovakia uh what about a bit of the old acid that's good yeah i go with mushies first though okay it's just got less time can you mix them can you have like a bowl of mushrooms with acid on? Yeah. You die. You can have a bowl of acid mushrooms. You're going to poo your pants in Amsterdam. That's nothing to do with the drugs. I'm telling you right now.

That's the Stroopwafel. Get ready for your special. Oh, mate, I fucking love them. Adam is going to lose control of his sphincter in Amsterdam. He hasn't got control of his sphincter. He's going to leave the little control. I've got the most control of my sphincter in this room. You have. I don't control your sphincter in this room. You have.

I don't control your sphincter at all. Yeah, absolutely. I have free practice. What? Free practice. Free necessity. Like, when I need a poo, I need a poo. You want a poo.

Do you know what I mean? Like, when you feel like you need a poo, it's you wanting a poo, isn't it? Like it's like your body would like you to poo. No, sometimes I do need a poo. Yeah, but every poo of mine is that. That's, why? Because there's something wrong with them.

Because there's something wrong and the doctors have tested it and said there's nothing wrong and I had a fight with him and then he won't see me anymore. You sure it's not just your diet no because when i when i eat better it gets worse but you don't i'm actually just looking after myself for longer than like two days i do i've done it for months at a time and my poos get worse i'll be though yeah yeah

it's your eating better just eating less no this he just,200 calories of chicken nuggets. Seen him do it. That was like one. I remember you lived on chicken wraps. Yeah. It is healthy to just eat chicken wraps as long as you're getting your salad in as well. Last time I did proper weed, weed was weed resin.

I got incredibly high, had a weird one, and two weeks later started a diet where I lost four stone. That's how in my, like I had a, I was sat there,

I was looking at my own stomach and I was so high that I sort of had a moment where you know where you're like. Let's do it again. I had the clarity of like, you're a big fat fuck and you need to sort it out.

And that started me on the journey to losing four stone, which I have put all back on. Have you ever had one of them moments with drugs? Because I think you could have a come to Jesus moment if you go too hard.

Do you know what I mean? What do you mean a come to Jesus? I just like a revelation. Like I had a revelation, like you need to lose weight and start eating healthier. Oh, fucking hell. Imagine Adam has ego death.

That would be fucking terrible. He'd have nothing left left what's ego death? if you have too many psychedelics it'll just it'll completely remove your ego from your personality it's called ego death so it'll separate your ego

from yourself and you'll experience yourself without any ego and I don't know how you would cope with that not to say that yeah it'd be interesting

oh like no the pure version what if Adam comes back from Amsterdam if he just comes back cope with that not to say that yeah it'd be interesting oh like no he's just like the pure version what if Adam comes comes back from Amsterdam if he just comes back from Amsterdam

I'm like hello everyone welcome to have a word just be nothing but raw talent if the irony of that is so painful

just everyone pissing themselves laughing just as you walk he's a ball So painful. Just everyone pissing themselves laughing just as you walk. He's a ball, like a fucking Pokemon. He isn't joking whatsoever. Me, without ego, potentially even fucking better.

Would that make me more perfect? I don't know. Let's take all the edibles I can. Ac mushrooms please love in a bowl yeah i'm gonna eat them like fuck all cocoa pops yeah i'm having a come to jesus moment can i have some milk what's come to jesus have you never heard the phrase come to jesus a come to jesus like a revelation a spiritual revelation no it's a it's a it's it's a turn of phrase to describe what we're talking about that like that that epiphany epiphany yeah epiphany that's why i'm vegetarian oh yeah oh yeah because what happened to him with like two

lambs i'm like i'm gonna kill these for you and finn was like don't and then he slaughtered them in front of him yeah jesus doesn't actually have to come to you in a come to Jesus moment. I just, I just. Why would they call it that then? I took Joey Diaz strength edibles, ordered a kebab, and the chicken on the plate kind of came to life and spoke to me.

I said, baka! And you went, baka! Yeah. Baka! I spoke chicken in that moment. I spoke chicken. And then it's not touched meat since then. That's like 18 months ago.

What did the chicken say? It didn't. It kind of just like, it kind of just like spun round and I kind of like communicated with it. Are you sure you weren't just looking at a chicken kebab in a restaurant? In a kebab shop?

Could have been. Could have been. Yeah, I kind of communicated with it. I was like, ah, no, this is fucked up, man. Did it have a voice? This is mental. Yeah, it was Slovakian.

All right, Finn. Don't, man. Did it have a voice? This is mental. Yeah, it was Slovakian. Oh, right, Finn. Don't eat me. What is that? I can only do Norwegian now. That's on you. What's on me? You fucked it for yourself there. Oh, I know.

I'm fully aware of that. I wish I could switch that off. Like, it's not something I chose to do. Do it again. I did, though. I had the same thing with mushrooms and I was vegetarian for a few months. The mushrooms spoke to him.

I just forced myself to eat meat again and I'm over it now. So you had the same thing With mushrooms And I was vegetarian For a few months The mushrooms spoke to him And he I just forced myself To eat meat again And I'm over it now So you had the same thing Basically You had enough mushrooms Yeah And I couldn't eat meat again

For like three months And then But I just Shit It is And it got so weak In the gym And I was like

Fuck all that Get a steak down me I still do think about it Sometimes It's just not the same Why Why are we doing drugs then If it makes you do stuff like this

It's not better than lamb It is though You have it Adam Everyone's going to fucking Like cafes and Adam's going Is there a Toby Carvery Anywhere in Amsterdam What strength is that lamp

I'm not having sex with a prostitute it's not as good as lamp no but having sex with a prostitute isn't going to make me vegan it depends how good she is depends how good she is

if a sex worker can turn you to veganism fucking hell are one of us going to get a sex worker aka the two single guys we've got to get both of them one

yeah get them one uh finn will on the company card film finn will take the vat off that look he can't even eat

chicken kebab um finn finn's going to resign if we try and get him a sex worker in the red light no tribunals rules going out the window

no it isn't and we don't even mention that rule on podcast thank you we've got a realness company Paul it's a realness company and it's no tribunals it's a real the real shut up and no backs

yeah you're not allowed to think it's a tribunal it's in the contract now fuck off what if we get you a sex worker but we just get her to like read you read to you whoever tells you what the we get you a sex worker but we just get her to like read you? Read to you? Whoever told you at the time

I was the first sex worker I got an answer to? I don't think so. I went to answer them and I was like... Before you told the story how fucking sinister would that be? Here's the big hungry caterpillar.

There's a hundred euro. Fucking read. She'd love that. She gets to pussy her ass. I've got mates of mine who used to do weird shit. One of my mates used to get weird shit like one of my mates used to get a

a tub of Pringles and throw them on the floor and pay a prostitute to just walk on them don't know why can we do that would she then also hoover them up

yeah right well that's what I'd do I need leave so I imagine so that's easy money hang on can you put requests in yeah

I mean they don't do whatever they want suck my dick and also waggon wheel can we all get a Hang on. Can you put requests in? I mean, they'll do whatever they want. As long as it's not going to hurt. Suck my dick and also waggon wheel while you're at it. Can we all get a budget?

We all get 300 quid and we get to make sex workers do what we want. That sounds so sinister. It does sound so sinister. Watch a touch of frost with me for two hours. He would.

He'd much rather do that than shag you. Exactly. I don't think anyone would rather spend two hours watching a touch of frost yeah if you pay them

having sex but then you they've got to watch it you've got to quiz them at the end yeah she's got to find out who the killer was or she doesn't get paid

he's turning off five minutes before yeah yeah who is it they do that they don't it's weird in Amsterdam though

it is weird getting like I've seen them I've seen them I've walked through they've had like they're weird gals tell us about your

first sexual experience when I first I used to go and watch all the footy with lads and I'm not into footy we ain't started this story I know

we used to go all the games I just liked the camaraderie of it all yeah and we ended up over in Amsterdam and they were like i was a virgin they all knew i was like 18 and they were all so they all threw in and were like getting

you the brass getting you the brass threw me with this brass and they were like it's fucking about 30 i was threw me in with this brass and i was fucking terrified and she like pulls me kakistan she puts a condom on me and i'm just like and i just went i don't want to do this like that and she was like what and i was like i don't i'm a virgin and i don't want to lose my virginity this way but if i go back out there they're gonna i feel just tearing me so she was like all right she said just stay in here and then you go out in about 20 minutes and i say you're very good you like you're strong and all this and i was like thank you very much thank you very much so i just sat down and then she got on the bed she took her knickers off she just opened to like she said have you seen one of these before and i was like uh no only in year nine explaining the vagina and how how to satisfy

she was this is the clitoris this is what this is women really like this when you lick this or use finger like this and she was just explaining it it also me she was a fucking angel sat there for 20 minutes with me offered me like offered me a drink and everything and then at the end give me a hug and then sent me out she would take your shirt off and she was undoing me and shit like that and she watched you she walked down it's very good and they thought that's how i lost my virginity for about 10 years ah what a fucking superstar i love the fact that just because it was awkward sitting there chatting

she was like I know what I'm going to do biology lesson one day you should come to Slovakia we'd be very fucking what a fucking angel of a woman did she give you a blue ribbon did she give you a blue ribbon

when you go to your nan's house and you just fucking she wasn't 74 that would have made it better wouldn't it don't have a penguin no one wants that I love a penguin She wasn't 74. That would have made it better, wouldn't it? Don't have a penguin. No one wants that.

I love a penguin. Penguins are fucking top tier, bitch. Did you? Oh, orange penguins are heavy. This, this blew my mind. I don't know how.

A mint club. Oh my God. Orange clubs better. Only our podcast can go from Paul Smith's first sexual experience with a sex worker to that. Penguins are superior. Caramel Rockies.

Breakaways are goated as well. A Rocky, a Caramel Rocky. Oh, Rockies are goated. Breakaway? No, I fully agree. Breakaway? Oh, Jesus Christ. Do they still have the foil on?

No, it's just... Nah, shit then. A Viscount. Oh, dude. COVID test. A yo-yo me. COVID test. What was a yo-yo?

It's the same thing, but better. Fox is classic. With a penguin, I don't know if this is me being stupid. I only found this out a couple of months ago.

Did you know that a penguin is just a bourbon covered in chocolate? Yeah. I had no idea. It is? Yeah, it is. It is?

Oh my God. It kind of is, though, isn't it? I disagree. No, it literally is. Once you take the chocolate off, it's a bourbon. So you prove it to me?

No, I'm not having it what about the timeout every bit of fucking hell mate a twirl's just a flake isn't it a ripple's just a fucking twirl with like a big coat on can I just say

I don't think you can compare top tier confectionery like timeouts and flakes and spiras and biscuits all of that to like the the nanobiscuits i think

you're you're talking like different leagues i think a kitkat in there i think kitkat might traverse the two i prefer a two bar kitkat to a four i do as well what

i prefer a junkie i'd rather have two of them than a four yeah and a chunky can fuck off nah chunky's a belter no too much by the end of a chunky and suck the

teeth out of me a peanut butter chunky you like kitkats Ah, Chunky's a belter. No, too much. Bite the ends off a Chunky and suck the teeth out of it. Hang on, hang on, hang on. A peanut butter Chunky is elite. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You like Kit Kats. Yeah. You enjoy eating them. Yeah.

And there's a version where it's twice as much Kit Kat, and you're like, no. No, two twos is better than a four. It's like when you get a, it's like when you get, I like beer, but when you get a Stein, a Stein's worse than a pint,

even though it's more beer. Yeah, that's a perfect analogy. You don't want a Stein of beer. No, you want a pint of beer. You want two pints of beer. Yeah don't want a stein of beer. No, you want a pint of beer. You want two pints of beer. Yeah, you want two pints. So I want two twos, not a four. Two two is better than a four.

I think he's right there. It's just a scientific fact. Yeah, there's a reason he isn't called Desmond Four. I think that's the reason. Where? Adam's on fire. You've got to give him. Old Desmond Thor where's Desmond Tutu

in your head waiting to do a Desmond Tutu bit for a joke hopefully Kit Kat's come up he changed his name by Deed Pole

based on Kit Kat politics when you said that then that's just complete I just expected you to do the rest of your material about

Arthur Shawcross that was exactly the same way you say he changed his name by what was the no what was the bit

you only do half of that no what was do you two know do you two know yeah you do do you two know each other's back catalogue more than anyone else's

like oh no it's fucking Chapman shit Martin the Luther King yeah it was exactly what's your favorite we love them what's your what's your favorite old paul smith bit if you could well the bit i relate to paul the most is he used to do a routine about going to a personal trainer in a gym where it was just like a treadmill a dog chained up on the wall

and he would essentially run on the spot for like the full bit and the bit was like 15 minutes long so he's like taking you through this guy doing the warm up

and he's constantly running he'd be fucking sweating by the end of it and it always used to kill and he used to do it like a cunt by the way in the middle in the middle

before bringing the open spot on a hot water and then you'd watch some poor country driven from Norwich for a shot at paid work try and follow

the best bit you've ever seen the compere do and they already like him. This is before he was famous as well. But my favourite time I ever seen him do this

was in Envy, right? And the reason for it is it didn't work at all because what had happened was, I don't know whether you, do you know what I'm going to say I'm imagining a die on my ass in this story

so you'd you were doing a bit of crowd work right you were comparing at the top and you would always do that bit in the middle right

but you ended up trying to do it at the start is it the blind guy the blind guy right so there's this guy he's not got sunglasses on anything but he's just sat like this so the stage is there and he's just like that and paul goes fucking

help me do you want to just look at the stage am i fucking boring you know you're being fucking rude looking over there and the fella goes i'm sorry but i'm blind right and honestly like this was like 2011 and Paul did not have the skill set yeah you'd smash that now that's why though that's why I thought

and that's never happening to me again come at me with anything and it fucking buried the gig like it was fucking tense in the room

like it was really awkward right so he tries to he's like oh sorry mate yeah I didn't realise anyway what do you do love and this woman's like i work in b&m and you can fuck off right so i see everything the

atmosphere is awful and then i seen him i've got such a clear memory this he's gone i've got a break glass in case of emergency bed yeah i'll just do me jimby now a routine this is a banker a routine that is highly physical and relies on the physicality of the bit when that doesn't work it's the funniest thing in the world to the other comics right because he's literally jogging on the spot and sweating and putting so much animation into this performance to a room full of a hundred people who've bought groupon tickets and couldn't give a fuck and now just hate them like they'd never

heard of them this was their introduction to them and within three minutes he's gone to you fucking blind cunt oh can't do anything

with this person I'm going to now jog on the spot and be all over this place and it was getting absolutely fuck all until the blind guy

went could you do an audio description of what's going on he smashed it off that was a loud bit as well on that stage it went that's the

I think the worst it went wrong was when I got really fat and I was doing it which made it funnier but it was when we were in the crown and remember the stage we used to have in the crown it was like two pallets and a full piece of wood rickety as fuck and I was running on, which made it funnier, but it was when we were in the crowd, and remember the stage, we used to have in the crowd,

it was like two pallets, and a full piece of wood, and I was running on the stage, and everyone stopped laughing, halfway through, which is even weirder, because I was smashing it, and then they all just stopped,

and I was like, what the fuck's going on here, so I was like, carry on, and I got to the end, and then I realised, that the stage was making that much noise, that I,

they all thought, this fat cunt's going through the stage, yeah, and they were all just going waiting for me to go through it so at the end I went I fucking know what happened there you're all cheeky bastards

you all thought this fat cunt's going to go through the stage and they all laughed I went this is stronger than it looks you know and I jumped up and down went fucking straight through the stage

done me ankle in then I had to I was in the middle section I had to bring this fucking poor Canadian guy on and he had to stand on the stage there's a fucking big hole in the middle of it he had to stand with his feet at the side and he was trying to like move and he couldn't move i was like oh fucked him bad there

oh my god the crown you could have gone through the fucking ceiling of that place that pub was vintage wasn't it is it still going the crowd Do you ever pop in for a pint just to have a look? I've been in for ages. I love that cafe though. I love it. Very formative. Do you know what's mad about that? Is that to me, that pub and you guys that were there a lot more than I was,

but I was there. I remember seeing, I remember gigging with Cogs there in Cognito. And it feels to me that that pub is about 20, I know it's not 20 years ago it's 10 isn't it no not even that it feels like decades no it's what would they mean in there like 2015 well it was 2012 for the euros but it's a 10 minute walk away when they moved there it's literally a 10 minute walk away we could in my head it's years ago but it won't have changed at all they can't even change it

Oh Can we go and have a pint One day When we're just having A random pint I'd love to have a pint In the crowd And then go in the holiday inn

Yeah Sorry love Can we come upstairs You should hire the conference room And do a little park roll one day A little hot water park roll That was mad At the conference centre

It's mad that it worked Didn't it I never I never loved it No no one loved it But it did work For what's mad that it worked I never I never loved it No no one loved it But it did work For what it was You know what I mean

I knew better And then once we got In the new gaff I was like Once we got in Seal Street I was like fucking hell We've been struggling There for ages

Because everyone came In the holiday And you're already Fighting a losing battle Because they're all like This is shit And you've got to try And convince them

For the first five minutes That it's not shit I never saw you do anything But smash it in there Yeah yeah but i you know like the crown was a fucking weird gig above a pub and it was a bit not manky's not the right word but it's a bit spit and sawdust it's just mad that a pub like that eventually had a four night a week comedy club in it like thursday through sunday upstairs in a pub like that it's just so not heard of outside of london in the uk yeah yeah in london it's a more of a thing in it with the king's head it's um it's a good location though it's right by the seal street

still seal street like you've still you've still got a soft spot yeah i would say so i mean i love harman it's a nat pub in it but i i just I just, CLC had a slightly bigger stage and you came on from the back. I just, for me, it was just a night. I like, yeah, I think it's a nostalgic thing as well.

And then it was just fucking fun. I remember first playing that room and I was like, cause you just don't know until you get on the stage. I was like, this is good. This,

this is amazing. This room. You prefer Harbour, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. It's the imperfections of Harbour that I think make it. Yeah. It's the imperfections of Hardman that I think make it.

Yeah. It was so uniform, I didn't like how, like, it was exactly, like, symmetrical. It was, like, 30, 30, 100 seats. Yeah. Like, it was too, like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hardman was messy, but, like, perfect.

Too perfect. Like the Reebok Arena. Just a bit too designed. Yeah. Whereas Hardman's got, like, a recess, and then, like, that bit Reebok arena just a bit too designed yeah whereas Harbin's got like a recess and then like that bit's shallower

than that bit and it technically makes it harder to play but when you get it right I just think there's there's more in that room and soon you'll be in the new gaff

oh yeah well next year I think May I think Hot Water's journey is going to be going to be legendary that place is going to be the best place on the planet to watch comedy isn't it i think so i mean i can't

see how it's not if it has to be and it's got to be the forever home hasn't it i just don't think they got like not that i can be spouting other people's business but they own that building like that that's their place isn't it yeah like they've got the freehold like they've they've been leasing these places that is them planting a flag and going we live here like the whiskey bar

they're building and all the food stuff and it's so much beyond the comedy club it's mad yeah it's the new Baltic innit

yeah hopefully I think so that's the plan it's going to be a full night out you're going to watch comedy have something to eat have a bevy it's going to be a place to go

for your whole night it's going to be fucking fire like that launch night if they if a lot of us are available on that launch night don't the mad thing is i don't think we will it's i don't think i'll be there to play the because this tour is so mad i just don't think i'm gonna be there for the first night i'm gonna have to try and get back from wherever i am just to get there because i can't miss it well you nearly weren't there for the first night's harbour do you remember that no you were you were the first i was I can't miss it well you nearly weren't there for the first night of Hardman do you remember that nah you were the first

I was hosting yeah I hosted it and you'd hosted Seal Street yeah and you ran up just and walked in the room

just as our closing act was going off and I was like it doesn't feel right to not bring Paul on yeah I remember that yeah and you closed it

yeah yeah you can't do both though can you you can't have one of the biggest tours in the UK no you just can't Doesn't feel right to not bring Paul on. Yeah, I remember that, yeah. New closer. Yeah, it was amazing. Yeah. Yeah. You can't do both, though, can you? You can't have one of the biggest tours in the UK. No, you just can't. Because if I'm down south or somewhere, you just can't. You're not getting back.

Time for the other lids to step up, innit? Yeah. Yeah. Shall we have a break at that point, boys? Yeah. Okay. Peter! What's happening?

Hello. Hello. It's Peter the Hoverwood Snake. Peter, if's happening? Hello. Hello. It's Peter the Hoverwood Snake. Peter, if people are enjoying this podcast, what would you suggest they do? I'd suggest you keep listening and watching. Good, standard. And if you go and press the like button and the subscribe button down there,

that would make me really happy. Okay, cool. And if you're listening on the audio, give us five stars, tell your mates, and yeah, thanks. You sound a bit like full of flu there, Peter.

I've got a chest infection, if I'm honest with you, rather than mate. And yes, I have got a chest. You're not moving your mouth. I've also got locked jaw. Like and subscribe, everyone. Thank you, Peter.

Fuck off. Final section of what has been a wonderful... Take your hat off. Have a word. That's where your most heat's released from your body, the top of your head. Take your hat off. I haven't done my hair.

Oh, no. He's got a bad out head. It is. It's all right, though. Oh, flat head. It's got a bad out head It is It's alright though Oh flat out It's alright though No it's not It's Stupendous volume

We're used to Crushed It is hot in here though It's because I asked for the heating on I thought it was going to warm up The out You know I'm sorry My bad

You alright Let's get through this with sweaty tits Can we book M people for the next big show we do because obviously we've booked five no we're booking Lisa

and Andy Scott Lee and Cliff Richard and Gareth Gates that's the group you never thought you wanted Dan what's in that cup isn't sneak is it

yeah it is sneak which one oh it's what's sneak what's sneak yes correct you haven't heard of the hippest energy

drink on the market well let me tell you Paul let me tell you it's my absolute What? Sneak? You haven't heard of the hippest energy drink on the market? Well, let me tell you, Paul. Let me tell you. It's my absolute favourite sponsor. And I drink it all day, every day. And I haven't slept in a fortnight. You sneak.

Do you like pooing five times a day? Do you like them to renew their sponsorship? It's multi-purpose as well, isn't it, Dan? It is multi-purpose. You can drink it. You can get your nail varnish sponsorship? It's multi-purpose as well, isn't it, Dan? Oh, it is multi-purpose. You can drink it. You can get your nail varnish off. It's like soil. Now, sometimes Laura's like,

I want it rough and I just don't have the energy. Sneak. When you have to get sexy physical. You know? Sometimes my kids are like, play with me, daddy. I'm like, shut up, you're boring. I drink Sneak, I'm a good dad.

In a very separate time to what I previously talked about with my wife. Sneak. Sneak. When you want to go to the park with your kids or choke your wife, consensually.

Use code WORD10. Quietly. The best use of consensually ever. Consensually. Sneak. Don't ever choke your wife non-consensually It also gets the ice off your windscreen. Don't ever choke your wife non-consensually. Gets the ice off your windscreen, doesn't it? What?

I stand by that. You know what I mean? I live by that. I poured this on my windscreen this morning. That doesn't mean it's unhealthy because water would do that. No, no, but this like melted the whole windscreen. No, this is different. I could see the future through my windscreen.

Buy bottled water, but not for your windscreen. Buy bottled water, but not for your windscreen. Use code Word10. Washing machines live longer with sneak. Imagine how quick you wash your machine at break. You put sneak in it. That's not how it works.

Sneak. All right. Quite a smooth transition into the last. And I tell you what, I'm drinking sneak during this speed round. Hey, let's do a speed round. We never do it with guests. Speed round, speed round, speed round.

The goal is to answer these questions as quick as possible. And move on to the next one. You're slowing down the speed round. Katie Capper says, we all know Scouse is a sound. Look out for each other. But is there ever any all know Scouse is a sound, look out for each other, but is there ever any murder

between Scouse comedians? Some that don't get on or wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire? Kate, that is a weirdly eggy question and I've asked it on purpose. Go to you. I think every night

when Rob Thomas is there, there's some kind of murder, but then it's all sound the next day it's on. Rob likes any attention at all, including everyone in the room hating him and he gets aggy and

especially if there's any open spots there they don't know how to respond and then he just sees that as weakness and just but also there's comedians who only play hot water and therefore

not allowed to play laughter house and vice versa oh between the clubs for years mate oh yeah i should have remembered that before i asked the question go on can we just say with Rob

Rob's not Rob's not that he just he's just a bit aggy he just likes leaving the fucking he's not even aggy I think he just likes

to come across as aggy I think it's his character isn't it he takes his shirt off and tries to have sex with everybody yeah it's Rob

but that's not aggy that's too friendly I think that's stag do Rob no no it's not it's also Christmas party it's after his own podcast Rob yeah that's Rob itie that's too friendly I think that's Stag do Rob no no it's not it's also Christmas party it's after his own podcast Rob yeah that's Rob

it's Christmas night out Rob yeah Tuesday morning Rob Tuesday morning Rob yeah when he's doing the school run in a taxi yeah

he's a frisky man he is but he's one of our boys I love him absolutely yeah I love Rob Thomas and his family and his sister

wonderful woman no she is I genuinely really like her sneak Absolutely, yeah. I love Rob Thomas. And his family and his sister. Wonderful woman. No, she is. I genuinely really like her. Sneak. Rob Thomas' sister. Phenomenal. There's no code.

Anyway. Yeah. That must have died down a bit because it's just it's like the whole hot water laughter lounge thing it can't still be is it laughter slaughterhouse laughterhouse

sorry I don't know there was a beef between the clubs and you got made to pick sides and you know it was a toss up between

you think they're made to pick sides they forced you to pick sides and then you just you were on the side the regret you must feel it was the winning side and then you just you were on the side the regret you must feel it was the winning side

and then the other side Dan Johnson says Eyelids have a word does its own version of

Big Brother it's a mansion you lot and Paul Smith he's written that and five other British circuit comics are going

in who do you pick and who wins nice one Dan Johnson goat mark two Milo I like Milo think Milo I think Milo is i love milo to bits god he gets intense don't he i know he does but rob gets tops off and i'll get tops off i'm gonna be honest

with this i didn't listen to the question you're in the big brother house we're all there and there's five other uk-based comics who do you want them to be oh yeah so milo makes it a good show Milo makes it a good show Christopher Walken ow Mark Nelson I'd have Mark Mark Nelson I'd also can I add Kai Humphries

Kai as well yeah just a a great lad like sometimes you go well you just pick the nicest people in stand up

but sometimes this sounds like I'm the cunt sometimes the ultra always lovely always super super lovely

I just don't trust it sometimes there's no edge I like a little bit you feel like you've got to tone yourself down because I want to be a bit of a bitch here

but I feel like anyone who's too nice anyone who greets me like on the streets during the Edinburgh Festival hey I'm like oh where are the bodies

like what have you done you're hiding something do you know what I mean anyone who's too nice all the time I'm always just like you the bodies like what have you done you're hiding something do you know what I mean anyone who's too nice all the time I'm always just like you think Rob Rouse is a murderer

no because he it doesn't feel fake with Rob yeah I know yeah Rob's whereas Kai Humphries is genuinely lovely but then if you're like

tell you he's a cunt he's like oh aye yeah but you'd also know Kai Humphries would just fucking lay you out he could make bodies easy

oh absolutely he's hard him he's hard, him. He's hard as fuck. Put Roy Chubby Brown in there, I reckon. Yeah? Fucking go off. Mate, after the other week, I'll put Stan Boardman in.

Fuck me, mate. What happened? He done a show in that water. What? Oh, man. Did he, yeah? Mate, if you're under 30... Well, he hired the venue.

It was full as well. Stan Boardman's an old club comic from the fucking 70s a household name yeah household name famous I mean do you know what I always

think's mad about when you look back at those they are way more famous than any of us like if you look at Ken Dodd level of fame yeah

and it scares me because like the end of the creed Ken Dodd is so famous that it was news when his dad's dog died is that true yeah

Ken's dad's dad's dog's dead say that a few times Ken Dodd Dodd it's a great venue in Prague the Ken Dodd

Dodd oh Adam's flying today what's really funny is he didn't get that no he didn't get it no I didn't and Carl just about got it

go on tell me what I just about got it Go on Tell me what I just about got it It's a famous tongue twister Ken Dodds Daggs Dog's Dead Alright

And I'm literally trying to do The tongue twister With Carl Can you do it? You know what Sometimes I love being not scouts And then other times I'm not in the club

Do you want to be that famous Paul no why he doesn't even want to be as famous as he is I don't it's a nice part isn't it

but fuck it all yeah what's the hardest part about having like a really high profile like social life what's the hardest social media

I don't know not being like the most mundane things like going to shop is that like that's alright I'm not that famous where I can't no but if you go to Tesco and Daisy you're getting stopped yeah A social media, isn't it? No, I mean like the most mundane things like going to shop, is that like, does it? Ah, that's alright. It's fine. I'm not that famous

where I can't fucking No, but if you go to Tesco and Daisy, you're getting stopped. Yeah, that's, yeah. It's more on a night out,

like nights out is a bit of a pain in the ass because you just get, then people stop you but they've all had coke and fucking, so they're all mad. They're just so much more confident,

aren't they? Yeah, yeah, and they just hang off you. Yeah. And you're like, oh God, I just, you can't

go no more places anymore but yeah i mean that's that's a small second i went to um a cream classics club club night in chester in the carriage they're called the carriage that's the tongue twisted in chester sometimes you miss out on being in chester the company clacking a girl an insanely hot 22 year old girl was like i saw it in her she was like this is a nightingale and then just because she'd had a few bevvies she's like i'm just gonna need to go and talk to her and her mates were like where are you going like whatever name was like say it was like fucking stephanie like where are you going? Because they were just watching her be drawn towards a fat 41-year-old on drugs on the dance floor. So I'm like there,

just trying to like, and she's just drawn. My mates couldn't handle it. They were like, what's she doing here? And like, because it doesn't, unless you've,

I don't know, they don't, her mates didn't know who the fuck I was. My mates are like, he's married. What the fuck is this Because she's coming

Going Oh She's like I've got Snapchat It's not It's not normal No It's not

Turn around And go She was lovely She was She was being Sound But it doesn't make sense in normal life

that a 40 fat 41 year old bald guy married in the corner with all these fucking other 40 year old mates is getting just followed round

by hot 22 year old my bar John my the thing I struggle to deal with the most like people stopping me in bars

fully accept it because it is what it is it's part of the job and day to day and whatever and people who want to have a conversation I actually really like it people asking for the photo People stopping me in bars, fully accept it because it is what it is. It's part of the job. Day-to-day and whatever. People who want to have a conversation, I actually really like it. People asking for a photo. You never get used to it, but it's a nice thing.

It's someone saying, I like your work so much. I want to show people that I've met you. Great. What really freaks me out, and I still have got no... It happened last night walking home from hot water, is when someone stops you, but they've got no plan they don't know what they want to say they've got no conversation so i was walking just past the bomb down church and someone went adam he was sober completely sober with his girlfriend he went adam and i went yeah and he goes i watch your stuff and i went oh cool and but at that point he hasn't said and i like it

so you can't say thank you i got yeah nice one mate and he went yeah yeah a really big fan and i went yeah cool and he went all right that was the whole interaction because you know i can't go do you want to photograph because then if he goes no no no if you say if you yeah you go do you want a picture no you know when they turn the corner his girlfriend you've made a fucking swat of yourself absolute fucking knobhead yeah it's the it's the not knowing they just know that they should stop you because they like your stuff but they don't know what to do with the situation messages off people after the fact going ah fucking hell i'm sorry about that like people apologizing for shit like that it's just but the ken dodd thing like in the 60s 70s 80s because it's hard to say all those words back to

back no but generation after like like decade after decade super famous if you were famous in the 80s like Morecambe and Wise famous at Christmas was it like 25 million people watched that's because it was the only thing

you could watch but there was like there was two or three options everybody in the country would know who you are whereas like fame now is different innit like we can all walk

through town quite easily but people who know us are so happy to see us but you can literally walk through town and most of the time for the most part be unrecognized um so do you genuinely say no to stuff because you don't you you don't want to progress everyone knowing you are you finding yourself like managing that

well i mean i just i don't really get offered any i mean no tv offers really get to me i don't think and i don't think i'd do it anyway i was i was chatting about doing live at the apollo but then that when i when i was getting to thinking about it because they were like what if we let you do crowd work and i was like no because it's just all the risks on my end because if it's not set up properly and i do crowd work and you start cutting it to bits and you don't want the bits because you can't control what i say then do you know what i mean and it never i don't want the bits because you can't control what I say then. Do you know what I mean? And it never, I don't know how far

that conversation got. So live at the Apollo were like, cool, we'll let you do what you do. No, no, there was an intermediate playing kind of going,

would you do it if it was this? I'll approach and say. But I was like, I don't know because again, all the risks on my end because I could just, I could either,

I might just die on my ass because it's just not set up for that, do you know what I mean? And the Apollo's not, it's a nice place to do crowd work. I've played it. But, like, it's not, all the room's light, it's in the day. It's not really set up. And, again, I can't control what I'm going to say. Like, they're going to ask me what I'm going to say.

And if I'm doing crowd work and, like, the clips of me where the guys got cancer and I just had to run with it. You have to run with it. And it works in the room. It becomes amazing. It's amazing in the room. They would never put that on the BBC. They would never be able to put that out there.

Did they actually ask for your whole script, like the whole set written out? Do you have to run it by them? No, I think you have to either give them a video of it. So you're meant to do a rehearsal, nice, but I didn't have to do it. So you're meant to do a rehearsal and I think you have to either give them a video of it. So you're meant to do a rehearsal night, but I didn't have to do it. Right. So you're meant to do a rehearsal,

and I think they film it, and then they get a member of staff to transcript it, and then they tell you the things you... So what I did was, I got told, you're in the running for it, and you're going to have to... The guy, the exec, Anthony,

is going to come and watch you at the comedy store on this date, or wherever it was in london a gig as your audition sort of thing and then i got covered and that audition was during the isolation and i was fucking gutted because i was told i was gonna get it the year before and covid stopped it being made and then i got covered for the first time three days before that audition was meant to be so i was like it's just meant to be that i just never get to do this now and then while i was still isolating from covid my manager had gone we're gonna get him to see you when you're done after you come out of it there'll still be a couple of days we'll try and make it work but while i was still isolating while i still had it i got a phone call going he's decided he just

doesn't need to see you and he's just going to give you it, and then, they went, but we need to know when you're in London, soon, and I sent him the dates, and he's like, right,

he's going to come to the store, this night, do the set you intend to do at the Apollo, and he's going to tell you the bits, that you can and can't do, and there was a routine, where he was like, and it was quite new,

because I pretty much wrote, apart from the bit that they ended up using, which was the Victoria's Secret routine, I wrote the rest of my Live at the Apollo, so four Live at the Apollo, and used the six weeks I had to get that 15 minutes as tight as fuck. There was a routine I wrote for that, that because it was new,

and the type of comedy I like to do, which is sort of, you know, dancing on the line of what you can and can't say, I still hadn't got it on the right side of the line there was still bits that were did it end up in the tour yes yeah um and he was like you can't say this on the bbc he was like i watched it at the store and it really really worked he's like but if you do it and you can it is going to get cut out. Right. Yeah. So he didn't ask me for like a written thing of everything,

but he did tell me bits that I couldn't get put out on the BBC. It's mad the control that they have to. Because it's so the opposite of what we want to do really. I don't think I'd have a bit that would work. I just don't think I'd have a bit at this point that would work, that they would allow. You would fucking hoof live at the Apollo Apollo i would smash it in the room but they wouldn't be able to put it on the telly because all my bits are so all my bits so like my tour show now two

stories that's it because i just the stories are so long so now i can send the guy who's asking for so i in my last tour i had a bit of getting pegged by my missus and that was probably the most accessible bit that they could have used and it ended with she pegged me and that's the bit I had to send them because I was like

the other bit was about taking DMT which they'd never put on so I was like it's those two bits one's really sexually graphic and one is you can cut

you can stop it there before it gets really graphic and I describe being pegged by my missus but then yeah it still works as a bit but it's still a story about using those as sex toys and getting pegged by yeah well you you asked me the other day to send some clips to you for a tv thing just very early doors and i watched the clips and go no i don't know i don't know you're not gonna like this i've got drug references here and in the end you i don't know i don't know you're not gonna like this i've got drug references here and in the

end you're like i don't know it's a frustrating thing because you know someone's gonna go can't say that can't say that can't say that and then that just gets my back up and annoys me because i'm like i can't but would you would you do tv would you do any would you do stuff like panel shows if they offered no i don't know i mean i don't really watch them if it was like like this is way better oh it's totally yeah yeah this is just way better that's why it's taking over why is a panel show not this this is what a panel show that's what those shows should be i have to say though if they ever go tell you what dan's doing all right on that podcast we're looking for a channel five sort of comedian to do an nfl thing

yeah i know i know i'm not that arsed about tv i'm'm gone. I'm out. I want to do both. What is the thing in your life that if you're like, well, we want you to be like the comedian guy that does... I do a bit... I'm going to do a bit of MMA commentary. There's nothing that would take me away from this though. Oh, I know.

I was joking. No, I know. But like, yeah. There's nothing where I'd be like, oh, I'd give that up. No, I don't. I wouldn't give it up. I'd do it.

I'd really like to do it as well and do commentary and stuff like that it'd be fun so i would like that or a bit of acting maybe i don't know thing is not why don't you just start an nfl thing i will in 2025 speed round speed round oh yeah shit speed round why don don't you start an NFL thing for the playoffs and see how it goes and test it? Whistle for it. I really want to do something like that. We have another studio where you can do that. Speed round.

How's your World Cup thing going? Is it good? We decided not to add to the fucking murderous regime and we'll pause that for next week. And we were both really busy as well. We were both super busy. well so exactly what the what you wanted to do with that footy thing sport thing is what i'd like to do with the nfl thing this is ow or this is dead important mate i had a panic attack after the arena do you know what i mean

i'm at the limit of what i can do and i need to get better at doing what we're doing so i'd love to but i don't want to ever turn up here going, I can't do this because I'm fucking nuts. Is that what happened after the year? No, I just got, I just got overawed by it. I did exactly, the first time I did that arena, I went home,

I said, I just cried. So if you ever want to know that Paul Smith is a good egg, he basically messaged me, I mean like, I know you best manage weddings and stuff, but Paul and I have become mates

because of me working with you a bit more but yeah out of the blue on uh saturday paul just messaged me all right because you seemed a bit out of it after the arena and i was like yeah i was just really up and down took it out of me and i just flatlined emotionally and then me and finn had to go home like basically you put me in a taxi you did pick a really weird day to try crack for the first time. And I was doing crack. Right up until you went on stage. Smoking. Laura did it as well.

My wife did it as well. And she was fine. Like they asked for their own dressing room and I walked in and they were both like sucking on the same crack pipe. Sucking on the same crack pipe. But it's my wife,

so we can share pipes. But Paul messaged me and went, oh yeah, are you all right? And I was like, yeah, I just told him what was going on. He was like, yeah, same. It's not that it's normal, but you basically went, after you're all right and i was like yeah i just told him what was going on he was like yeah same that it's not it's not that it's normal but you basically went after you played the arena first time you just got home and like oh mate it was bad yeah and i didn't know why

why it was happening i couldn't tell anyone for days so i was like what the fuck was that am i i thought my head had fell off i thought i was because how the fuck can you complain about that do you know what the the the scouse phrase me head fell off I've heard it loads since we've been working together and on Friday it has never felt more

when people were like what happened I was like yeah me head fell off it's the best I was in Liverpool played the arena in Liverpool

me head fell off a bit I still loved it I just needed a day or two to go that was amazing great speed round guys question two we didn't

even get the five comics we just got bored ken dodd ken dodd ken dodd's dog his dad's dog and she sells t-shirt what she sells t-shirts she sells t-shirts down the saint johns she sells t-shirts she sells T-shirts down on Walton Hall Market. Are we still doing the speed round? Yes. Honestly, we're nailing it. You know the speed round's not going very well when my laptop screen goes blank

because it's gone past its standby time. Liam McManus says, Wag Wag Lids. Mako. Mako. Michelle's brother. Wag Wag Lids. Macko. Macko. Michelle's brother. Wag Wag Lids. Question.

If you punch yourself in the face and it hurts, are you weak or are you strong? Love the pods. Cheers, Liam Mack. What's it to you, Paul? Strong. Yeah, of course you are. Your face is strong.

Because it's how you react to the hurt, isn't it? It doesn't say, and you cry. It says it hurts. If it hurts and you go, you hurt isn't it it doesn't say and you cry it says it hurts if it hurts and you go you just put your fist back right

okay yeah Liam the answer is weak because he's yeah when you break your arm I've changed my idea Tyson Fury punched himself

in the face trying to do an uppercut in the boxing ring didn't he a few years ago proper wellied himself and you can see him go if you put your head

up your arse does it come out your mouth yes you just die me and Carl have discussed this for years

if you put your head up your arse it would eventually get like a robberous yeah you'd turn inside out people are basically just a big sock

like a sock it's just a Swiss roll does it come out your back or your mouth we've had this conversation for years what it Does it come out your back or your mouth? We've had this conversation for years. What? It has to come out your mouth,

doesn't it? Yeah. The other way for it to come out. So you only have the hole. Word 10. Sneak. Next question. Yeah, we're doing good on this one.

Yeah, we're doing really good. How many holes in a straw? Two. Oh, interesting. Is there, yeah? Do you reckon It's not just one long hole Ah fuck off

Like if you If you get a hole In your t-shirts It's just a hole innit Nah it's two holes though Is it though Because of the length Of the hole

Yeah because a tunnel Would have two entrances No one's an exit Okay but an exit okay but it exits to the hole any older goal no the tunnels the hole that's what she said the entrance and the exit are the holes the tunnel is the space it's just fucking deep that lot fucking deep i suppose straws in many ways are just the tunnels of Lichwood. Is there a Lichwood tunnel there?

I swear to God. If I ask that question in Amsterdam when he's had a bowl of acid mushrooms, we're not coming home. There'll be a Lichwood tunnel at that point. Speed round. Zach Mason says, would you rather? Hey, Mason. Oh, let's hope it's good because sometimes they're not.

Would you rather have to do a have a word full Monty at the inevitable next arena show, Gooch and all, or be a stripper at a strip club on weekends and it's kept on the download? Caveat, you're only ever tipped in change. Full Monty, Defo. We found out we're not allowed to do that. We actually planned to get... We did plan all to get our arses out.

I'd much rather get my arses out on an arena show. You can't. It's illegal. I know, but if I ass out on an arena show. You can't. It's illegal. I know, but if I had to do one, I'm saying hypothetically. I've worked for 12 years. How can they have them like strippers do it then? Because people are buying a strip show,

they know what to expect. Oh. And because we hadn't forewarned anyone that they might see fucking fabulous bumholes. Thanks to rules. We hadn't forewarned anybody. What would have happened If you'd have just done it though

The cops would have burst in There was a SWAT team There was a SWAT team on the roof How many holes are there Just come and smack them all Naughty boys Basically if anyone ever complained It's technically sexual harassment

To show 10,000 people you're an arsehole No it's not sexual harassment It's inhuman How do you flash your arse How do you flash your arse You part your cheeks While you're bent over Oh we were gonna do Mate that's, you'd arsehole. That's not sexual harassment. How do you flash your arse? How do you flash your arse? You part your cheeks while you're bent over. Oh,

we were going to do... that's not flashing your arse. Mate, we were going to do very different things. Oh no, I wanted people to see me dinner.

Ow. Ow. Ow. If you went to a Divina show and saw a cock on stage, would you tell the police? A penis or like the flightless bird?

A penis. What do you or like the flightless bird? A penis. What do you do for a flightless bird? And if you'd enjoy it, let us know. We'll use one next year. Zach Mason says, I've just asked a question, Dan,

don't ask it again. Thanks, Zach. Thanks for being very helpful. My dick and balls are never getting out. I can't, it's not, I don't need that. Isn't an arena big enough for mine?

Lad. Fucking health and safety. The mannequin. Josh, speed round. I've got fire marshals on standby here, guys. That's not a hose. Fucking National Guard. Josh Alderson says,

Wagwan Lids, would you rather beatbox every time you come or have a hard-on every time you piss? Love the pod, keep smashing it. Josh Alderson. I'd rather beatbox when I come. I would piss with a hard-on is, oh.

It's enjoyable though. I quite like pissing with a hard-on. What? I quite like pissing with a hard-on. Do you push it down? On your balls, yeah. I know, I sit down and push it down. Push it down. I do that sometimes down? And now I sit down and push it down. Push it down?

I do that sometimes but then when me dicks also touches like the porcelain or the seat, it just, I don't know, I feel like I've got to get a shower. I feel like I'm going to get AIDS.

And then, and then, and then when you pass it, yeah, because if you get something from the toilet and you say you pass it on, it's the biggest lie ever.

Is your mom going to eat? I don't live with me mum. Yeah, but, is that if you're going to eat? No, but I'm saying if you get a sexual transmission disease off a toilet, it's the biggest lie ever is your mum got AIDS I don't live with my mum yeah but is Sarah got AIDS no but I'm saying if you get a sexual transmissive disease

off a toilet no one's going to believe you exactly you're more fuming about me asking if your mum had AIDS than me suggesting you still live with your mum

I got my own mortgage Paul I live on my own how dare you my mum does have AIDS but I don't live with her anymore I'm not caring for that bitch anymore yeah I don't want to get a fucking STI off the toilet

because no one would believe me yeah I'm exactly the same yeah I'm scared of me dick touching toilets yeah it's same

no because of anything toilet AIDS any sort of bacteria that doesn't belong in me urinary tract oh where have you got this from the toilet toilet duck

yeah fair enough I agree with adam i do a handstand when i'm pissing with a harden anyway what like a like in an r&b video i just try and get some leverage it just go all over your face oh it points it towards the shower usually someone's in there with me but i am doing one-armed, understand? I put my foot up on the toilet roll holder when I've got it hard on. So that I can aim it down. I mean, so, like, toilet rolls are always like this.

Just point it with your arm or your hand. I just do that. I'm not adverse to a sink. I genuinely feel bad for your bath mat. His favourite piss in the world is a sink piss. I love a sink piss. I'll piss in a sink if it's only me and you. I'm so disgusted by it.

Oh, 100%. Yeah, the sinks in my flat are too high for that. Oh, yeah, I love it. But, like, a sink in a disabled toilet. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're pissing in disabled people's sinks. Oh, what? Motorway services.

I'm not putting a plug in and leaving it there for them to go down the hole. Are you doing all right doing alright now get little steps you're pissing in disabled people's sinks and that's a fact no ah hey

have you got them Phil Chapman put me on squatty potties have you got it have you yeah yeah yeah a little step a little step you put by your toilet

so you see your poo like that or you meant to aren't you fire you just go whoosh you can't say we're meant to do it Otherwise we would have evolved

Steps on our feet Correct He's making noises Carl Such a fucking quake Speed round It's really good for your bowels It's how you

How you prehistoric man chat I love it mate On a step Swear by it I like a sit down wee as well mate A sit down wee in the dark of a night That's sinister as fuck Why?

Turn the lights on Why? You know when you wake up in the middle of the night And you need a wee Turn the lights on No because then it wakes you up more No I do it in the dark So I can go straight back to sleep Do you ever do the lights on? No, because then it wakes you up more. No. I do it in the dark

so I can go straight back to sleep. Do you ever do the party and you've got night vision goggles on? Do you ever do that? When you go to toilet at night, cover one eye and this eye is like a fucking super eye. That's why they wear eye patches.

So go to the toilet and do that. Do it tonight and then this eye has got night vision. It's unbelievable. Fuck off, Carl. Genuine. I swear to God. No, it hasn't, has it? No, it has because this eye has got night vision it's unbelievable fuck off car genuine I swear to god no it hasn't has it

no it has because this eye you've just got no spatial awareness anymore no no when you take your hand off this eye's got night vision and this eye hasn't

yeah because it's been exposed to the light I think I've hit my limit I've hit my bullshit limit with car's eye but if you just put it with both eyes they'd both adjust

at the same time no if you did that if you went into the toilet and did a piss like this, you'd have a messy toilet. But then you came out into your bedroom, you've still got the night vision

that you have from in your bedroom. But if you turn the light on, you're like, oh, fuck. Fucks your eyes off. Do one eye. And this eye. Can please someone

gif the face Carl's just made and put it on the internet forever? Mad-eye moody. Try it. When you go to the toilet late in the dark, put one eye over your eye and then I'm not messing,

this eye is a super eye. Yeah, I do sit down with these in the night so that I don't have to turn the light on because it does wake you up more having the light on. I just make the light blue. I can make the light blue. Oh, sorry. Tony Stark.

Oh, here we go. Tony Stark. That is what he's famous for. Oh, it's pisses in blue light. Tony Stark Iron Man textbook I'm out

I've literally I have I am out of how much I can care about this bullshit it's been a joy gentlemen it's been a joy

speed round speed round is done is it there is no more speed on this round enjoyed that Paul we'd love to come and see you on tour

but there's no tickets so see you. There is some next. Bratislava 2025. I think there's like three in Oxford. If you do Slovakia can we all come with you?

Yeah. Yes, brilliant. Boys, we'll do a little double ed, have a word fucking Paul Smith. Oh my God. We'll all get naked.

We'll pre-warn him this time. Yeah, get the fucking Shalamamam arena ready everything goes next Christmas is live Slovakia'd love his arsehole Slovakia'd arse there's fucking

whatever yeah um alright that's it lads sign up to the Patreon it's the best in the world is that it yeah

sign up to the Patreon guys got some music oh go on then we do enjoy the music by the way I love it sometimes if you just want me to sack it off I'll sack it off no because people really appreciate it Got some music. Oh. Go on then. We do enjoy the music, by the way. I love it.

Guys, if you just want me to sack it off, I'll sack it off. No, because people really appreciate it, but I just forget it's happening and then you have to talk at the end of the office. Give the fans what they want, but don't involve me in it. Go on, Finn. What is it? All right, this week, it's one of my favourite ones that we've had for a while. Oh, you say that every week. One of your absolute favourites.

Fucking lousy shite. Absolute favourites. Not because I'm doing a gig with them next year, but I am. This is the Blue Dolphin Wranglers. Fuck off! Is it actually? Yeah. Never heard of them.

Go on. What song? It's called Live It Up. What? Live It Up. It's general. Sounds good. They've got a gig in...

Fuck off! The blue dolphin Oh sorry I like the red dolphin wranglers Peter's going to be Really offended I'm sorry I'm not asked about Those fucking blue nose Dolphin wranglers

It's an absolute tune Of course it is We're going to listen to it It's probably not that good It's going to be great He'd hate it sounds like the oldie monkeys it's probably a lowless shite sit down we're all listening to it yeah i'll put it on now cheers lids appreciate you love you very much thank you thanks for that

thanks paul lad We'll see you next time. I need to do. If you're down, we'll take a trip up to the moon. Living up. All you got to do in your time is living up. Living up, living up What have you ever really done for me? When I get out of your crazy little dream I just wait for a little time Till you change your mind

Live it up All you got to do be Your sound is living up Living up, living up I just wait for a little I just wait for a little time Until you change your mind time Thank you. Living on All you've got to believe in yourself is living on Living on, living on, living on All you've got to believe in yourself is living on Living on, living on Субтитры подогнал «Симон» you