Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #204 with Tom Houghton - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

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Upset me, nasty bitch. Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word.

Go, Ed. Get on me. Is he on sax? I do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do today than you have been are you excited about your roast today oh my god i cannot wait with uh roasted carrots yeah oh and uh broccoli yeah oh mate i fucking love broccoli it's gonna be a lot of firsts today first time i've eaten broccoli first time i've puked on your lap it's exciting isn't it what sit on his lap if he's making me a roast i want to be fed it he's having sex with yourself you've had like fucking bumhole eggs and everything in luba and you worried about a few roasties well i thought you meant bumhole then oh i'd love to what eggs adam's actually got roasted bumhole on here we're having roast potatoes we're having pigs in blankets that i'm making myself. They're not like

pre-made pigs in blankets. I'm making my own pigs in my own blankets. Is there any honey involved? The carrots and the parsnips are both going to be honey glazed. Shoving up your bollocks. That's me out.

Put it in my u-bitch. You can have honey. I'm allergic. But he can't have it anyway, can he? I know it's vegan, it's not honey Finn I think I might be allergic to you

oh by the way Finn you asked me should you get me some sort of veggie meat which I tried to get when I went

and got everything last night and no way to add any so spud pussies no Linden McCartney sausages what can I get Linden McCartney sausages

I'll go and find some in the break okay an Adam roast dinner well it's very kind of you Little Bacardi sausages or something? What? Little Bacardi sausages. I'll go and find some in the break. Okay. An Adam roast dinner. Well, it's very kind of you. It better be fucking good, the amount of you. I'm fucking going, man. Roasty, roasty.

Better be good. Have I ever told you I'm good at something and then not being like world-class? Driving. What? Driving. You told me I'm a fucking excellent driver. You weren't that good on that track day. I mean, you were better than Carl.

I broke the course record. No, I just- I broke the car. I just read fucking excellent driver. You weren't that good on that track day. I mean, you were better than Carl. I broke the course record. I broke the car. I just read the times wrong. Table tennis. Yeah, I'll give you that. World class. It's annoying. Ordering on Asian.

Is Asian above world class? They're the best at table tennis. It's on FIFA, isn't it? It can't be racist if it's positive. What else is the best at? Noodles. They are. table tennis it's on fever isn't it it can't be racist if it's positive positive information what else are you the best at noodles they are

driving oh driving they're the worst drivers are we talking Chinese it depends take your pick oh I went for a curry last night

talking about Asian two white guys working not for me not for me I think every curry house is allowed one token whitey one token whitey they had two and one of them was a condescending fucker so whitey one came over and went can i take your order guys there were like it's coconut grove in chester there were some you know the name i name look given away? Oh, geez.

It sounds racist against whiteys, doesn't it? Fucking hell, proper Coconut Grove in there. Full of whites. How'd you like your curry? Honking. I came over and I was like, because it's South Indian, they're doing that thing of like,

oh, we're not just an Indian restaurant. We're South Indian. Like you fucking know the difference. I was like, I went, I like a booner. Like usually. A fucking booner.

No, like an E.T. booner. The OG booner. And I was like, what's like that on the menu? And he was like, oh, I don't know. I was like,

cool. Can you, can I, can you ask? Whitey number two comes over and he's condescending i was like i really like a booner usually is any of these couriers like that he's like yeah we don't do booners because we're actually south indian i went fuck off mate you're from fucking queen's ferry

kiss my ass he's like oh yeah actually i'm sorry fuck off so just because he's educated on the food that so he he's actually educated and qualified to work there, and that's what pissed you off, because it made you feel insecure. What did you get? No, he said, fuck off. You've been around the fucking corner. I'm not having it.

Oh, yeah, I'm from Deeside. Let me condescend to you about South Indian cuisine. Piss off. There's one white fella who works in Big Bowl, the Chinese place, and the rest of them are Chinese. What? Honestly, I'm down for one token whitey.

But he's also, like, he's lived in China, and he speaks... Oh, yeah, yeah. Chinese. When I worked at Emilio's, the Italian restaurant in Preston... Tangerine, yeah. Tangerine. Speaks fluent Tangerine. Clementine.

Oh, he's bitter. Oh, no, he's sweet. I worked at Emilio's. They had a white lad Another whitey Who worked there Who put Proper coconut grove in there

He put on an Italian accent When he was serving It was phenomenal to watch Was he Italian? No he's from Preston He talked like that He's from proper Preston But when he was serving

He's like oh yes this is a very good this is a lasagna and then as soon as he got in the kitchen no I think what he did was he pronounced the dishes how they're meant to be pronounced and you've done that so I reckon he's probably going you alright Dan

you're fucking you're going to have the proscutio that's what he's done, isn't it? No, genuinely, he served in an Italian accent. He did it all like,

oh no, this is good. And then came back and went, yeah, they've ordered the fucking pizza. Like that,

that Lancashire. That's effort. Now, what I would have liked from both those white eels last night is that level of effort. That would have really improved my coconut grovies.

We don't sell bunna. No, no. We don't have South Indian cuisine. Where are you from? Queens Ferry. Randicorna. That would have been great. That was Italian again.

Randicorna. That would be really funny if two white fellas from Queens Ferry were working in an Indian restaurant and put Italian accents on. You will. Excuse me. We don't have the table for very long. You can have it for an hour.

An hour? Do you know what I mean? Italians get very excited towards the end of a negative sentence, don't they? When they're telling you bad news. Like they fucking ramp it up.

I mean, how could I disagree with you? It's a well-known fact. You can have it for an hour. I'm sorry to tell you about your nana. She has passed away. Your nana is dead.

Passed away? Good name for a pizza place in an alleyway. Passed away. No, they also had funeral directors at the back. Ah, yes. You're missing your nana.

She died in a car crash. But have a linguine. Funeral directors at the back. Oh my God. An Italian undertaker's called passed away needs to exist. I'm going to make a little New Year's resolution to be more accepting to some of your jokes. And I think that was very good. I've got my New Year's resolutions good to go. I've got my New Year's resolutions Good to go

Go on Are you ready? Are we doing it on the New Year's episode? Everyone's too excited about the Deadpool We're dying to pick dead people That are going to die We can't pick them now Because what if they die between now and New Year?

It's got to be done on the 3rd Imagine the families finding out New Year? It's gotta be done on the third floor. Hell, he's a banker. Oh, imagine the families finding out. New Zealand at Christmas! You're dead on the stuffy! Have you genuinely got any New Year's resolutions apart from laughing at his jokes? Thank you.

To use more double-ended dildos. Have you got any? No, I mean, I'm not going to... Oh, yeah. I do. Just recently... Steve sucked after the other night. About ten minutes after we got it.

And he sat on it. What? Steve put it up his arse and then sucked it. Is this a used double-ended dildo? It has been used. Is that new? Rude. What? Is it not? It didn't come arse and then sucked it is this a used double ended dildo it has been used is that new is it what is it not

it didn't come in a box did it then it's been in a box if you know what I mean do you think all double ended dildos come in boxes those

real cocks it's come in a wrapper that was filed in barba what yeah that's from barba I thought it was given it was given to

it was so one of our quizzes the other day was you had to bring back a sex toy for 200 pound had you found that in Barber

we bought that for 200 quid just listen to the weight of this oh fucking hell that's mine two of them is one of Adam's

news resolutions what have you got I want to do whatever it takes to have a healthier body and mind Right cool Isn't that every Monday morning for you? Like you wake up

The first difference At the start of the year isn't it? Right yeah I want more knowledge Oh yeah More knowledge Yeah I don't want to get out of breath as easily

Right Second one's quite sad. More knowledge, you know, less breathing difficulty. I've got a fork, a library card, and a fucking inhaler. January's looking good. Yeah, I just want to be, I'm not setting myself a specific target. I want to be fitter and healthier in the mind yeah

yeah why don't you write something in an envelope walk it away and then at the end of the year go when I open

an envelope it'll be true oh yeah he'll definitely find that envelope I want more knowledge to where that fucking envelope's gone

some Romanian cleaner has fucking moved that. Carl, what are your New Year's resis? Rezos, mate. I also want to tighten me belt. Thank you, Carl. I think it was tighten Adam's belt was more. I don't mean like lose weight.

I mean, I want to be more frugal with my finances let me just get that and I'll just get the bullshit bell no let me hit it if you say silly things I'm allowed to

no I do put it down because I want to buy a house next year I don't not believe that but I don't believe how you're going to get there ready

oh that's a good power power hit oh yeah yeah I want to be more frugal I'm going to get there. Ready? Oh, that's a good power. Power hit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to be more frugal. I'm going to eat in the house more, stop eating out as much. I'm going to start bringing packed lunches to work.

You're going to break my dildo. Yeah. What are you talking about? Sandwiches. You're going to make sandwiches at home and bring them into work? Yes. Cost effective? No, it isn't, Because you'll throw loaves away

Four times a week No not if I'm making Butters twice a week No because you won't do it But I will I actually threw Four loaves away In one go the other day

Exactly Not next year yeah Carl Fucking hell Imagine the amount of ducks You could have fed with that You're not meant to feed ducks with bread Yeah they explode We've told you that

They don't explode But they get really sad and sick Bloated Yeah What bloated ducks Imagine the amount of ducks you could have fed with that. You're not meant to feed ducks with bread. Yeah, they explode. We've told you that. They don't explode, but they get really sad and sick. Bloated. Yeah. What? Bloated ducks. Keto ducks. Yeah.

They're off carbs, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Ducks can fuck off then. They bloat, and then they look at themselves in the water, and they're like, oh, I'm a big fat twat, and they feel sad. And they kill themselves. Sad ducks. Yeah.

Sad fat ducks. Fat duck fuck. I couldn't do shit. I'm a bread for ducks, and I'll never change. What, you mean to throw them? Kale? No. What?

Cherry drops. Shut up. What do you mean? What? It was on Vets at, what was it called? Vets at Home. It was on Vets at Home. Vets at Home.

Do you know how much Vets at Home? Yeah, Vets at Home. They do a lot of their consultations over Zoom. That's my goat It's fucked I don't remember what it was called What was the TV programme With Ron Farris And all the animals died

Animal hospital Animal hospital It was on there You had to feed them cherry drops I don't think we should be Giving any publicity So convicts are paedophiles Supposed to feed ducks

Oats And rice And cherry drops And frozen peas And cherry drops Frozen peas No Rice and peas

Where are these ducks? South India Decide My New Year's resolution Is to get better MPG In my car Right It's currently 14

You picked the wrong damn car For MPG bro 14 I saw it It made me sick Like I had to turn it made me sick. Like, I had to turn it off. Mine's 92.

In a Range Rover? Yeah. When are you going electric? When performance cars do them cheaper. Because if you want a performance car that's electric, no, it's so expensive. Isn't there a Tesla that's pretty nifty? I don't want a Tesla.

No? I don't know, it's just a basic bitch car, I think i think do you think i think it's one up from basic bitch car no i think it's the future for your 500 all right i don't honestly i'll be so behind on electric cars i can tell i'm just i just don't i'm gonna get like less efficient cars as everyone goes electric i'm going to try and offset it and keep the planet fucked I think we you know Adam turning up in a tractor knowledge I'm going to get like a Hummer I'd love a Hummer so much

you know you know all of the news resolutions this one feels more believable I want to be frugal and get a Hummer I want a healthier mind next year

right yeah right I want to be frugal and get a Hummer. I want a healthier mind next year. Right. Yeah. Right. I'm going to go to therapy. Is it? Yeah, I'm going to go to therapy, yeah. Yeah, vets at home.

Yeah, there's 11 Hummers in auto trade there. Let's have a look at Hummers. No cars found, no one. Sorry, lad. Finn's going to try and fix it oh I'm so sorry you're not willing to travel to find a Hummer

you lazy cunts Finn's going to fix it right let's have a look 11 cars oh here we go 49 grand that's top one I want that

that's a proper GBA so 1991 H2 Humvee 6.2 litre V8 diesel oh at least it's diesel can you can you go on it and check it's mpg because it will be oh my imagine me turning up here and that's automatic you walk go to running costs down there you go running it won't even feature it. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Is that 412 miles per gallon? 412 grams of carbon dioxide per kilometre.

It probably kills a barnyard animal every four yards. Especially if you drive into a barnyard. I would love to see you drive a Hummer. It's one of the worst cars you can possibly buy. Why? It's a poo car. Yeah. Poo cars don't cost 49 grand.

It's a basic slag car, isn't it? You could also do, if you get quiet on weekends, we don't know what's happening with comedy. Things could go bad. I know you're doing well now. You never know. You could also do like hen-do's in them. Oh, I'd love it.

You'd be great. You'd be a great hen do's in them. Oh, I'd love it. You'd be great. You'd be a great hen do chauffeur. They sound similar. Repeat that for 20 years. Oh, you bitch. I'm wearing a Christmas hat. Thanks. Thanks for the help, everyone.

15 minutes and no one's reading. What does it say's what does it say what does it say on it I really can't read it for me slay all slay all day slay all day you big slag

can I just tell you where I got it on summers yeah did you get it from on summers I couldn't find a Christmas hat I really wanted to wear a Christmas hat today I went to home and bargains in birkenhead like i thought home and bargains was an absolute fucking slam dunk for a christmas hat

got recognized by one of the lads at work what did you call it i called i did the scouse version nearly home and bargain there you go oh it's not home but it's so it's home bargains the company's called home but it used to be called home and bargain but if you're a fucking scouse it's home and bargain there's a team in my league when It used to be called Home and Bargains But if you're a fuck old scouse It's Home and Bargains There was a team in my league When I was a kid Called Home and Bargains And they've sold out

So I was gutted I really wanted to wear The Christmas hat Along with my Saints Christmas jumper And I saw I saw one on the Mannequins in

Anne Summers So this is an Anne Summers Santa hat Did you get anything else While you were in there? Yeah Anything for you in there? Yeah.

The blender black dildo. Did you get anything else though? What's the chat with Ann Summers? I think it's a bit cheap in it. Love Honey is the one. Right. But Victoria's Secret is like actually quite... Victoria's Secret doesn't sell dildos though.

I think Victoria's Secret It doesn't It does It smells Spanking paddles I know I bought one It smells It smells

It smells She smells I can smell Predominantly in underwear And a pyjama store Yeah but there's also I think there's a I think there's a little kink area

I bought a spanking paddle From Victoria's Secret Oh it's pipes 2007 2008 I don't think they do that anymore. I think it's just clothes. Yeah, yeah.

And summers is where you go for your, you know, for your handcuffs and your rope. Your negligee. Your pussy pounder 4000s. The pussy pounder 4000. It's 5000, though. Things have changed. Bigger wattage.

I think and summers, honestly, If I brought Something sexy back for Laura It would get such Short shrift Why? She's She's just not that

What about a little pocket pussy? What's the bullet one? It's a bullet Bullet They're great Yeah Things you can make women do with them Really?

Like a wand? No Are you set to shoot them? Go and do the fucking dishes. Or I will vibrate the shit out your clit. Oh, that's not a nice turn of phrase. If I got a bullet, I'd just take it home and shove it up my arse.

Do you know people have died doing that? What? Like men have died for having bullets up their arse. Taking a bullet? Yeah. Men have died because of bullets. their arse. Taking a bullet? Yeah. Men have died because of bullets. That was the First World War. Just a load of fucking ass play.

You can Google this in a minute. Let me tell you the story, right? Oh, no. There's definitely at least one fella who died because either... What? In my head. Does it involve his arse swallowing the bullet and it travelling? Yeah.

Oh, God. So the bullet was still on and it vibrates like a fucker, these things, do you know what I mean? Off it goes. And it sort of just climbed up his arsehole and into his intestines and just destroyed him from the inside out. Yeah, I've heard that. It was in the echo.

The fuck was this a V8 diesel Hummer bullet? What? It's just a little electric thing. Honestly, they vibrate like fuck, and that's all right if it's just on little electric thing. Honestly, like, they vibrate like fuck and like, that's alright if it's just on your clit or on your balls but once it's in your arsehole,

damage can be done. Have you had a, have you had a bullet on your balls? Yeah. On your bollocks? Oh no. Yeah. What,

in between or, do you have to, like, on me gooching that? Oh, gooch plays alright. Yeah, gooching,

like, I don't like me balls being sucked but I like them being kissed and licked and, you know. And vibrated. What do you say women should do with bollocks? Like, they shouldn't like my balls being sucked, but I like them being kissed and licked and, you know. And vibrated. What do you say women should do with bollocks? Like, they shouldn't, like, go mad with them.

Oh, just take the weight off them. Yeah. You've had a hard day at work, babe. Let me take the weight of these. No, but that's what you want with your balls, innit? Do you like your balls being sucked? No. Don't suck my bollocks.

No one likes them. A ball should never disappear into a mouth no no they should be kissed and caressed I like the main liq yeah liq's fine

but suck it tickled what about consumed no no no no no do you know what's weird about tickling my balls like Steve Royal

at a Christmas gig oh no do you know what's weird about tickling my balls do you know what's weird about tickling my balls do you know what it is yeah i do next question if i'm like awake like wide awake it proper turns me on hang on who's tickled your balls when you're asleep let me finish you need to see a therapist you've been been abused. I don't think it's abuse if you want it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you sleep. Go on.

Go on. If I'm, like, sort of wide awake, it'll tear me on if you tickle me balls. But, you know, if I'm nodding off, it proper sends me to sleep. Like, if I'm sleepy and you tickle me balls, I'll just... I'm gone.

Yeah. Ruined the flight. You can tickle your bollocks to sleep. You can tickle my bollocks to sleep you can tickle my bollocks to sleep yeah are you still up now are you such a silly girl why

he's telling the truth I'm telling the truth he wouldn't sleep once in Cardiff babe I've got what goes on in Wales stays in Wales call it sleep

off you go I want like a light yeah if you put like What goes on in Wales stays in Wales Call it called sleep Call me a Call me a Off you go I look like a light Yeah if you put like really quiet music on and tickle my balls I'm out like a light Thanks

Good to know Good to know everyone Quiet music Glad that we did it on a public episode Any music just quiet I like going to sleep

to country music Oh my god I'd rather just tickle your balls without music You should tickle your balls without music you should tickle my balls and i fell asleep in her arms this is a playlist on a youtube has created me a country music playlist because it's like oh my god we share that put it in the group yeah

i can tickle my balls just before you start playing it so I just put that on like really low and it turns me off can you tickle your own balls as well no because then you can't tickle yourself you can only tickle

the top of your mouth no but you can tickle yourself as in like no you can't make it feel nice no that feels lovely on my arm it doesn't feel as good

as someone else doing it no but it still does I mean it's halfway there do you know what I mean ever tickled the roof of your mouth or your tongue

isn't that just like itching yeah makes it like that that feels lovely I'd tickle his arm it would

feel better no it won't it'll give me the creeps yeah yeah shame shame

I was gutted that absolutely gutted then. Absolutely gutted. Is it just me that thinks the woman that works at Ann Summers on the counter is dirty? Yeah. I got in there, I was like, I'm having this hat. I got recognized in Ann Summers a while back.

In your head, if you work at Ann Summers, you're up for it? Is that just like a 16? No, you just know what a dildo is. Yeah. Cool. If you go to the woman in Super just like a 16 you just know what a dildo is yeah cool if you go to the woman in Superdrug and be like what's a dildo she's like how would I know no idea no policies wellies you go to the

woman at Hansomers you know what a dildo is she's like yeah she was cute the woman in the MLS yesterday had a bra fitter on her badge. On her bra? It just made me think, like, she just grabs tits.

That's not how you fit bras, is it? Yeah, you have to grab them. It's your big deal. I think they use a tape measure. I don't think they just go, right, get him out. Oh, fucking hell. 36 and double D. So anyone can do that thing, can't they?

I could be a bra fitter with a fucking tape measure. I thought you shot out the skills. No, if you go into a Marks and Spencers... You thought they had a gift. Yeah. You've got the gift. You could wait it for the rest of your life. Just take the weight of them.

You're going up a size, Maureen. Yeah, you can't be a bra fitter with a tape measure. You're just a sex offender in Marks and Spencers. No one's going to get a bra fitter by me. Do you feel just a sex offender and oh no one's gonna get a bra fitter by me do you feel self-conscious in Ann Summers or sex toy shops in general well it's

it's been a long time that I've been in a straight sex shop but you're always in the gay ones yeah he is famously I've been in them more than than

I've been in Ann Summers maybe twice in my life I think that was one of them I used to years ago get really self conscious in there like I felt like

all the women were looking at me like dirty bastard even the ones who work there it's like filthy cunt it's changed though it's so much more accepted now

there was a guy when I was getting the hat there was a a rail of discounted because it's too close to Christmas and he was just stood there just weighing up a

a sexy a sexy, a sexy, I don't, I've got no shame anymore, but I do feel like, you know, some people are like, worried in there,

and like, they don't know that I feel comfortable, and earlier this year, I went in, I was in the toy section, having a browse, looking for, looking for a wazzard,

my niece, my niece's birthday present, wrong toy, ruined her birthday, and then, I got one, and took it to the tailor, and then someone, one of the other members of staff, For a wazzah. My niece's birthday present. Wrong toy. Ruined her birthday. And then I got one and took it to the tailor and then someone, one of the other members of staff come over and was like,

I just want to let you know, I didn't want to bother you while you were looking at the toys because you know. But I love all your podcasts and stuff. I'll give you friends and family on dildos. Yeah. 80% off.

She actually did give me a discount. Really? And 10. Wow. No, I don't, I just, when I was younger, that kind of thing was like, now I couldn't give a shit. Made it hard to get saved when you were like that.

Do you sell tits? We'd have done that. 29. 29. No, when you're younger, you get a bit like, right, it's fucking, how's summer, is it when you're younger you get a bit like right fucking how's summer shit

nah I don't know do you feel emasculated at all using sex toys with women what like when women are like I want to get some toys involved

and they just whip one out does that make you feel inadequate as a man that your cock's not enough I'm into all apparatus get it out let's get her no it's been a long

it's been a long time but some men feel like weak if like they feel not good enough if women feel like they need toys as well as

penis penis no I've not the when it's happened in the past I'm like yeah let's fuck around

but I've never gone am I not enough I know I'm not, yeah, let's fuck around. But I've never gone, am I not enough? I know I'm not. What happens if they whip a dildo out and you're sure it's a mold of an ex's cock? Right. Yeah, you recognize the vein from the pictures. Oh my God.

Is that Mark's dick? You wouldn't say it, would you? Oh, sorry, sorry. But you'd be like, how would you? How would you know what their ex you'd be like how would you how would you know what their ex's dicks look like?

Photographs from when they were oldie you went through her phone once and he was dressed in it on the cat

that's why they split up yeah and that might be a bridge too far would you stop it? even though it's on his car oh I think

once you split up with someone if you've got a mold of their dick in dildo form i think respectfully if you split up with the man you split up with a sex toy and you need to just send it out to sea yeah i think any sex toys using a relationship uh retired the second the relationship's over yeah yeah yeah yeah or certainly the second the new one starts oh you can't upcycle a cock ring. No. Fact. Yeah.

You can't, like, you just can't. Like, you just can't. I know, you just can't. But what if, like, you suspect that she's like, yeah, it's new. Bought it the other day. Do you know why she's winking at you? That'd make me suspicious.

What are you winking for? I'm not If you know what I mean Is this new? Or is it? Yeah I bet it was smaller than yours as well Yes, I'd have it on the fucking mantelpiece

Where are you putting that away? Let's keep that out Right there Next to the family photo have you ever used sex toys solo uh what like a vibrating vagine yeah like there's a thing being advertised on tiktok at the minute which is a finger massager what it's like a it's a swirl and vibrating thing and there's oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i've seen it it looks like a It's a swirling Vibrating thing Oh yeah yeah yeah I've seen it It looks like a really fancy

Black pepper grinder Yeah But it's definitely for willies That's what it's called It's not for dinner No It's not for pasta It's called a finger massager

And it's so obviously Like Purpose made for a Penis Have you forgotten How to say the word penis? I keep asking my brain for other words for penis, and it's just not giving me...

Kiark. Kiark. So it's actually branded as a finger massager. Yeah, it's none of these. Which is... Well, like a pencil sharpener. Churio. Churio.

Can we get one on the company card? 12 Chudios. See, it's none of them. Fucking hell, look at that. Looks like a Google Home. Finn, you've actually found a finger massager. That's actually training for the Olympics for finding the remote down the back of the couch.

Oh, yeah. That famous event. You know it. Yeah, it's none of them. None of them. I don't think I'd ever use, like, a pocket pussy. Yeah, I'd give it a go. I'd give it a go.

I'd give it a go, but I think... He'd be asleep within a minute. I just, I think, putting it, like, finishing with it, and then just going... Do you know what I mean? It's going to have to be hidden, though, because the cleaners do not like moving my lube, so they're not going to be happy about moving my finger massager

Away it goes Dan's little filth drawer I'll give it a try Have you used Toy Solo? Have you ever just put a cock ring on and just watched Cash in the Attic? Yeah That's exactly what I did How did you know?

Old cock ring and Cash in the Attic God, if I watched Cash in did you know? Old cock ring and cash in the attic. God, if I watch Cash in the Attic without a cock ring, I'm not maximising the enjoyment of Cash in the Attic. Wonder what they'll find. Cash in the Attic could be a porno as well. Sorry, I'm Pat Cash. He's in the attic.

Hang on. Is that Pat Cash in the attic? I was thinking, like, your attic's your arsehole and you've your money in your arsehole look at that arsehole cash in the attic what i mean no you know what i mean cash is in my arsehole what yeah i'll say this now i'll give it a go just to report back on it on the pod i i find myself doing things like when i saw the christmas hat i was like yeah it's probably not ideal i could i could have had a look for a santa's hat in other places but then you're like yeah it's we do a podcast don't we so it's fine i'm going in and if something had happened i'd have got to report on it i feel

the same about the finger massager i'd give it a go but it looks wet and wild like what like it's a big you've seen this thing haven't you i think adam's trying to sell them didn't you show me yeah steve was using one he's like have a look at it it's me for your fingers but like it's it looks like it it's got like the um the consistency of like it looks like it's got fairly liquid in it don't it like there's a lot of bubbles it looks like it's got fairly liquid in it doesn't it like there's a lot

of bubbles going on and it's very it looks like it's gonna not only like it'll polish you knob as well as

make you polish knob it's a cock polisher I'll get that for you if you don't if you ask for a rock polisher

lads I know we're doing Christmas presents today I'd be really chuffed if someone whips out a cock polisher I've been to it and I'll tell you

right now there's absolutely no chance that'll get re-given at Christmas oh re-gifting is a disgrace yep re-gifting is

smart innit it's a disgrace oh it's a great idea depends what it is like if someone gives me a rock polisher it's going to someone else right I'm telling is. Like, if someone gives me a rock polisher, it's going to someone else.

Right. I'm telling you right now, if I've got you stuff today, and you're like, it's a nice gesture, it's fine, but I don't mind a re-gift. I don't mind it. I hope you haven't given us anything re-giftable. You better not have fucking nailed it,

because I have. I have as well. All right, okay. You've got a lovely rock polisher. I've got a personalised ball tickler. If you don't use everything I've got you every day for the rest of your life, I'll be very disappointed. Cool.

Well, I hope it's a cock polisher. You could say that. Merry Christmas, everyone. Anything's a cock polisher if you want it enough. Sandpaper. Yeah. Pogo stick. Oh, my God. Polishpaper. Yeah. Pogo stick. Oh my God.

Polish your cock with a pogo stick. What a song. Finn's face. This has been an incredible section for bullshit this week. It's been great.

Finn's here by the way. Yeah I am. I'm just an observer this week. Finny you you never the rock polisher. I wanted. I'm just an observer this week. Finny, you... You... Never the rock polisher. I wanted to... Are you polishing tiny dicks?

We wanted to bring this up. There's a lot of comments on this. I wouldn't come to work stoned. You have. No. You have. No. Last half an hour.

You have? Last half an hour. Yesterday? You potted off your twat? Last half an hour, you've given off the vibe of a man Who's Absolutely Sleep deprived

Would you not come in stone No Why I think it's all professional I drive it It's not illegal To pot and drive though Is it

Yeah I think it is Yeah Adam La I'll fucking represent you In court He was potted off his tit There's no law against that What about this one?

Ah, fuck. If this had been next year, I would have had the knowledge to deal with this. No. It's illegal to be potted, but potted and driving is not an offence on its own. Drug driving isn't an offence.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. No, it's not. Yeah, it absolutely is. You're under the influence. No, under the influence of alcohol. No, you can get done for drug driving. Drug driving isn't a thing.

It 100% is. Not in the UK. Right, cool. Google it. DUI. It 100% is. In the States, of course. Just everyone, if you're thinking about getting potted

and driving through the Mersey Tunnel, please be careful because Adam is not a QC. Minimum one year driving ban. Unlimited fine up to six months in prison. Okay, cool. So that's on the government.uk website. For what drugs? Drugs and driving.

They must have changed it. They must have changed it. Back in the 80s? God, I was talking about the 1870s. Oh, fuck. Oh, cannabis and cocaine. Cannabis and cocaine. Okay. Let's do them together then. Do them separately. Let's, fuck. Oh, cannabis and cocaine. Cannabis and cocaine. Okay.

That's new that. Do them together then? Do them separately? That's new that. Yeah, it was yesterday. It was the big drug thing. So there's a loophole there. Cannabis and cocaine.

Yeah. There's no comma. Right. So you have to have done both. The Oxford comma would get you out of anything. So it's nothing about smack. Don't get smacked up and drive.

Have you seen the adverts? They've put a lot of money into them. The Hedgehog one? Yeah. Don't get smacked up and drive. Have you seen the adverts? They've put a lot of money into them. The hedgehog one? Yeah, don't do skag and drive. It's the hedgehog absolutely balling us in the car. The amount of people, the amount of smack heads I see on the fucking M56. It's a nightmare.

I've seen people do balloons and drive at the same time. That's terrifying. There's no law against that. I don't see, it's just's no law against that I don't see it's just it's insane so don't do smack and drive

is what we came here to say today can you do poppers and drive that's just the same as not like putting your heated seats on

doesn't it gives you a warm asshole for a bit no it doesn't a bit of basil I mean I don't know with poppers because it's essentially

just like sniffing sharpies isn't it you can buy them in a shot you can buy them in a shot but it gives you a warm asshole I don't know what you're because it's essentially just like sniffing Sharpies, isn't it? It puts your head in the microwave for 30 seconds. You can buy them in a shop. It gives you a warm asshole. I don't know what you're doing. I think you're just having a poo afterwards.

Poppers just make your head like a microwave for 30 seconds. No, it makes your bum all warm. And it gapes it a bit. Tell me about your sex toy experiences. There's a bit of gaping. What do you think, the police are going to pull you over and pull your kegs down and go, ah, you're on the poppers,

get in the van. Fucking hell. No. This is where glasses start steaming up. Get in the van. Your arsehole is broken. He broke down in the fucking cold weather, rang the AA and asked for poppers.

You do not need a gaping arsehole, do you, with your condition? That's the last thing you need. Fact. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. I hope this sponsor

is a cock polisher or poppers. Got some questions from listeners? Have you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, questions.

That's a good new feature. I just thought we'd interact with them a little bit See what they wanna See what they wanna know Cool Yeah just Change it up a bit

If you want priority On the questions Sign up at Patreon.com Slash have a word pod Because patrons get Priority Speed round

Oh yes Adam Bertrao Try and say that Surname Bertraoi Adam Bertrao try and say that surname Bertrao Adam Bertrao unless it's an Italian person

and Adam's killed someone it's Adam Bertrao alright lids got a quick question back in your heydays you were thinking

about no it wasn't our heydays these were our heydays back in the day you were thinking about bringing on Sophie Anderson our heydays these were our heydays back in the day you were thinking about bringing on Sophie Anderson

the porn star and I was gutted when it fell through any plans to get another porn star on the couch or get Sophie back cheers lids from Adam Bertraui

good luck with the last name as well erm I I would love to get a porn star on the couch but I think I would spend the entire time

being a perv in my head and I don't think I'd spend the entire time being a perv in my head and I don't think I'd be able to turn it off. Right. Right. Okay. Because I love sex.

And I love sex. I wish I'd sell it for a bit of pound. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Like if there was a really attractive porn star there I just think

I'd be like There are. So if you have this it isn't attractive. There's been very attractive ladies on the couch though and you're able to name it turn it off all of them every lady we've had name them no hang on surely if they just come on and they're sound okay they're a sex worker they do porn but i'm sure they're just going to be fun to be fair the dead men

talking episode the clips i saw they're going to that was grateful. But I can't turn it off. I think it was the same with the person working at the counter, Ann Summers. I was like... We all have it. We all do the sex. I think you'd be able to detach. They'd be sound.

I'd love to hear the stories. I think it's about finding the right porn star. Sophie Anderson seems fun but she also seems a bit batshit her stories are harrowing as well they're not funny

no no she's quite entertaining though isn't she yeah she seems a lovely woman but her stories are like haha that's because she was

on James English wasn't she yeah that's abuse that's heavy innit right okay I think we're a bit more light hearted I'm not against it at all

and I you know and Adam's a pro, really. I'll get in touch with some porn stars. Okay. Put the feelers out. I'll do it. Speed round. I'll get in touch with some porn stars for us. Tom Barclay says, willing to do the leg work. He's a good lad.

Willing to fall on his sword. Which will be there. Penis. Tom Barclay. Respect the speed round, guys. Tom Barclay respect the speed round guys Tom Barclay says hi lids there used to be a football club in France called

Paris Foot Gay a lower league football team for LGBTQA MFI players if you could force a specific demographic of society

to form a club in the Vanarama National League what societal group would it be? that's from Tom Barclay. I will answer that question in a minute when you answer this one. What do the letters MFI stand for in that acronym? Go.

Mary's, Freddy's and Inuit. Mary's, Freddy's and Inuit. Yeah. LGBTQ. Male, female and in between. Wow, I've forgotten the fucking acronym. Anyway. Which specific demographical Male, female, and in between. Wow, I've forgotten the fucking acronym. Anyway, which specific demographic of society

would you form a club in the Vanarama National League? Agnophobics. Eh? It's a bloody 3-0 win for the team. I hope you're playing indoors. I'd go Cairns. I'd love're playing indoors. I go Karens. I'd love to see it. Oh, FC Karen.

FC Karen. That's definitely a team. We like Switzerland. Why are we doing work for them? Surely, like, the reason for the gay club. The gay club? The gay club. Party for gay?

Was to forward the movement of the gays. What does MFI stand for? I just call them the gays. What does MFI stand for? I just call them the gays. Right. Do you want to forward the movement to the Cairns with their shit haircuts and their terrible attitude? No, but it'd be funny to see someone just fucking really put the studs in.

So you're setting up a football club. You've broken me spine. Shut up, Karen. I've broken me spine shut up Karen hang on so in the Raleigh National League the team is going to be populated by Karens so we're putting

50 odd year old women with the I want to speak to the manager there against people who didn't make it in the Prem yeah yeah yeah absolutely nice big yawn Karen FC Like people who didn't make it in the pram Yeah yeah yeah Absolutely You're like What? Nice big yawn Block me out

Karen FC Just a little bit of a nudge Ah me spleen Nate I'm dead You've killed me Filled me I think we should be doing stuff More positive

Yeah I think we should Like we should be focusing on a marginalised group Sex Workers United you've got to have done porn porn bedraggled homeless porn stars

I don't know hang on was this team full of gays or did they just or did they just represent them I think it was the gays I think it was just

yeah can I Jonathan Mayer my friend from all of my comedy career who is i think you know well up there top five gays all time he's well up there yeah and also a crack and left back on his day honestly he played for a gay rugby team that all met via you know the village and uh they were a gay rugby team. That happens a lot.

So, is that what this team was? I think it was, you know, just gay players going, do you know what, we're going to put a lower league team together. So they were discriminating against the straights.

Disgusting. Don't want to get involved anymore. Little people? Yeah, that would be good actually. Okay. Tell us a corner. Don't give a corner away

whatever you do. Scoring own goals to avoid corners. Yeah. Just hoof it up. Just have a big man up front, five foot eight. Keep it on the ground.

Tiki-tac. They don't like being called that. Yeah, okay. That was good. Any other? Any other? Any other? Any other marginalised groups who we can mock? The homeless?

Bin men. Marginalised? Well paid? Bin men are on Dolly, you know? Yeah. Do you know about this? Bin men get paid an absolute bag of sand, mate. I think it's 80 grand.

They're on Dolly? Dollar. Dollar. I thought you said... I thought it was 80 grand they're on dolly dollar I thought you said I thought it was a new Scouse-ism that I'd not learned they're on fucking dolly mate no they're on dollar alright

like bin men are on a fucking woohoo rowy bags not just bags they're fucking rubbish I think it's like 80, 90 grand to be a bin man and it's all run by the mafia as well

it is in the states I've seen the Sopranos no Chester and Cheshire West Mafia bin man yeah can you just put in average UK bin man salary because this is going to surprise you

is it going to is it going to clickbait in real life it better be 115 grand wait until you see the last one it better be 125 and a half grand a year oh my god

fucking dolly on the fucking Dolly. That's not true. I've been lied to. I thought it was on at least 80 grand. I thought it was 80 grand. I thought it was like bin man or MP.

What do you want to be? Head teacher. Sorry, speed round. Nathan Penton says question for all the lids. Don't know if you've seen, but they are bringing out a TV series of Warhammer 40K on Amazon.

If you could have any childhood game become a TV show, what would it be and why? Sabutio. Keep changing the game. Hoping to see both you guys on your next tour. Nathan from Chesterfield. See you in Chesterfield.

You'll have to travel to Nottingham. I'd like to see like a real life game of Sabutio. That'd be mad. So a TV series called Sabutio. No. It's-life game of Sabutio. That'd be mad. So, a TV series called Sabutio. No. Just like the concept of Sabutio. Make that a game of people. That'd be mad.

All right. Hang on. Is it following the lives of some Sabutio players? No, I just want to watch football. All right, cool. I'm going to let you know that there is a pretty well televised league local to you. I think you'd enjoy it. It feels like

it hasn't been on for a while. I am missing Coens League. It's been a weird winter break, hasn't it? I've never been there. It's been fantastic. They're coming back

just in time for Christmas. I'd love a Thundercats remake. I think it'd be fucking great. They've just remade Willow. Where's Thundercats? What the fuck's Willow? Is Thundercats remake I think it'd be fucking great They've just remade Willow Where's Thundercats? What the fuck's Willow? Is Thundercats a game though? Willow

Willow What's that? You're just saying it in a weird name Willow It's not explaining what it is Change me back you idiot Willow No

No Mad Mordegon Was this on the wireless? Like the archers It was on the film It was at the archers it was on the film it was at the it was at the speakeys they're saying it's a game

no don't know if you have seen but they are bringing out a TV series of Warhammer 4 if you could have any childhood game become a TV show

yeah yeah you can't read I played how about reading I played with I played with Thundercats no but

that game was based those toys were based on the TV show yeah you're right sorry my bad

you have to pick a game my bad that would actually be sick crime series yeah

genuinely there'll just be an episode where he gets bored just goes around stopping at traffic lights

it'll be good what about Conkers the movie? Come on, then. It got pretty... Words. It got pretty bad at our school, Conkers.

Did you play it, though? You saw Fingers. I did it until it got banned. We didn't play it. We collected them. I never played it myself. You what? Yeah.

You never played Conkers? No. I got an ask girl and she lost their eye to Conkers. Talk me through. Drugs. Because she tried to smoke Conkers. No, so we had Conker trees

on the school grounds. Right. And one of the last... Is this Cardinal Heenan? No, this is St Margaret Mary's. Oh, St Margaret Mary's MFI. What was she called?

Little Mandy? Her name was Robin. Robinard the conkers. Literally. Fucking, I saw the gap. De Bruyne,

Highlands, fucking wordplay. Go on. One of the lads got a branch of a tree. That's not conkers by the way,

that's just abuse. But he threw the branch of the tree, like a spear. How big was this fucking kid that he's throwing branches? It wasn't the trunk. It was a stick. All right, okay, cool. And he threw it, trying to get conkers down, and it went into her eye.

Ouch. I'm not even messing. She might listen to this. I've got it on all social media. She's not watching. Like, she survived. Right.

Do you get it? She's got both her eyes. Good girl. Yeah. Right. Cool. A branch. Just a big twig.

No, it was spear. It was a big stick. A log. How many fucking... It was bleeding and stuff. It went into her eye.

Oh, Jesus. It was grim. Right. We didn't have... We had the girl who only had one eye for a bit. We had the girl who didn't have a bum hole. Oh, that's not real. Oh, the bum hole.

Tell me the story. What was her name? I can't tell you her name because it's true. Oh, yeah. It isn't. But the robbing story, that's absolutely fine. Apparently she had a fucking bubble all plumbed in. That is what happened.

So she had a bubble then? No. No. No. She was born with just... She had two arse cheeks. But it was like her arsehole had been plastered over. Yeah.

And one day she was... So they plumbed it in? No, she didn't. A lad got a branch out of a tree, threw it in the air. She was fucking trying to get to sleep, tickling her own balls. In it goes, problem sorted. Speed round. New listeners are like, what the fuck just happened?

Do the back catalogue, guys. The reason we haven't explained properly to a few new listeners, I've told that story before. There was a girl and she was born with no arsehole. And she went to our school and eventually she got one plumbed in and she had a catheter. She'd have been on Channel 5. What?

The girl with no arsehole. Maybe she didn't want to be the subject of a documentary. The girl with no arsehole. That sounds like a gripping drama. Yeah, with the dragon tattoo. It's the remake. Daniel Craig. Speed round. the remake daniel craig and speed run johan williams you don't believe me you can text josh all you want johan williams says johan johan are we spelling it welsh yeah Welsh I-O-A-N I-O Double I-O-A-N

Oh what a load of shite I-O-N I-O-N Say it right What's your girlfriend's name? Sorca Says alright lads Got a question for the pod

Not the most exciting one But if you could have Three pets of your choice Let's say one normal pet Cat, dog, hamster, etc One exotic pet Salamander, snake, frogs, etc And one unrealistic pet pet, cat, dog, hamster, et cetera. One exotic pet, salamander, snake, frogs, et cetera. And one unrealistic pet, lion, elephant, crocodile, lion, tiger, bear.

Oh, my. Let's say you have the space and the time to care for them. What would you choose? Which three would you choose? Cheers, lads. Keep doing what you do as you are fucking killing it. Thank you, Johan. So I've got this.

Got it. Don't worry. You can take two minutes off. Obviously, the main one, dog. You're going dog you gotta go dog but i'm going like big old if i'm living in a fancy world i'm going big old dog how big like um an alaskan malmoot oh they're big i was actually bitten by an alaskan malmoot was you no no no a girl from school you know what do you know what an alaskan it's a fucking

massive obnoxious dog it's a husky thing do you know what Do you know what an Alaskan Malmouse is? It's a fucking massive obnoxious dog It's a husky thing Do you know what a Tibetan Mastiff is? If you Google Tibetan Mastiff It looks like a Pokemon My mother-in-law's got two huskies They're very nice dogs I'm having one of these

If I'm having a dog Tibetan Mastiff But you can't let them off the leash Because they'll fuck off Back to the North Pole Oh one of them Yeah Can you do us

An Alaskan Malmouse Just so Dan's got a picture in his head So they're the ones That can fight off fucking Like wolves Yeah Yeah one of them. Yeah. Can you do us an Alaskan Malmuth just so Dan's got a picture in his head? So they're the ones that can fight off fucking like wolves. Yeah. Look at his happy little face. He's a big boy.

Well, you know what? I agree with your choice of dog. It's a slightly camper husky. Yeah. And then a winged cobra. What? A winged cobra.

Is that what they're called? The one, you know, where it's got like... Elizabethan... Where it looks like they've got like a fucking... An Elizabethan cobra. Do you know what I mean? The one that looks like Arbok from Pokemon.

The Pelepith. An Arbok, one of them. And then I think... Arbok. An Arbok. Is that the Scouse name for a fucking winged cobra? It's a Pokemon. It's Cobra backwards.

I thought you were like, yeah, we don't call them winged cobras. We call them Arbok, mate. You're a fucking Arbok instead of Arlas. Arbok is's Cobra backwards I thought you were like Yeah we don't call them Winged Cobras We call them Arbok Fucking Arboks Arbok is just Cobra backwards You've got to have Some fucking dolly A snake backwards You've got to have

A fucking dolly on you To get a fucking Arbok Go on And then I think For me Unrealistic one I'm either going Rhino

Or Giraffe I think I think Giraffe would be Easier to look after Than an Arbok Rhino or giraffe? I think giraffe would be easier to look after. Then a rhino. No, but I'm assuming they're under my control. So I can get the snake to do my whim. To do your whim. Yeah.

Nice. I don't know what his letter is I'll go I'm not ready for a dog I want a dog when I'm older When Laura Defoe leaves me Because she just finds me annoying You aren't older? No I mean

Like give it 60 Another 5 years I just want a little Jack Russell to keep me company You don't want a Jack Russell? Jack Russell They won't keep you company though? He's great the little fuckers

oh my god is that a thing yeah Jack Russell's are they basically the genes of dogs no one likes

wearing jeans great take I know what I'll get a Jack Russell just to fucking annoy you lot he's Jack Russell is the android

oh my god it's cold innit oh thank god I'm all fluffy ooh that's your dog I don't know why I'm annoyed I'm annoyed at him

sorry my dog what's your dog oh you've got a dog and he's really fucking cute yeah erm polar bear's my

exotic one but he loves me so that's not the unrealistic one that's my exotic one but he loves me so that's not the unrealistic one that's the exotic one yeah sorry the unrealistic one I just want a Polar Bear

they're fucking what about your exotic one though? I can see you having a newt how is it exotic? exotic as fucking newt oh no one of them real I want those little tropical frogs just like they fuck you up, don't you?

You can lick them. You would then? You'd die. Get high. No, I think there's frogs that you can lick, isn't there? Other Simpsons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going for that one.

I'm going for the psychedelic frog. So you're going... A little Jack Russell and a polar bear. Jack Russell, a polar bear and three drugs, basically. Sounds fucking great, doesn't it? Just get baked with my polar bear. Have a lick of that, Simba. You've called it Simba because you're not a runner.

I am. Thanks for noticing. Polar bears are fucking hard, mate. Come round mine with a... You'd better be invited. I won't come. Guinea pig, capybara, alligator, stud. Guinea pig, what's the second one?

Capybara. What's that? It's just a big chunky fella. This is a great way of dealing with it. Come round mine with a polar bear. I won't come. Nope, you've got a polar bear. And I'll know better.

Carl, I'd like you to come round to my house. Not a chance. Polar bear keeping freak. Alligator. Fucking dinosaur, innit? I've Not a chance. Polar bear keeping freak. Alligator. Fucking dinosaur, isn't it? I've got a dinosaur. Yeah. They're horrible though,

aren't they? Exactly. What are you going for, Finn? I'll go for a big dog as well. Big dog. Big dog. Then a parrot. I want a parrot.

Are you high? Go on, go on. One of them stereotypical red with a bit of yellow. I'm a parrot oh are you high go on one of them stereotypical red with a bit of yellow I'm a core yeah them ones

teach him to speak Welsh yeah and then I've always had a soft spot for a llama so I think I'd go for a llama yeah

I've lost a little bit of respect for you but I've got a polar bear yeah you've got a llama spit in your face yeah I'll rip your head off I won't my polar bear yeah you've got a llama spit in your face yeah I'll rip your head off

I won't my polar bear with what's he called Simba because I'm ironic I'll have a cockatoo thank you Mark I thought you set the joke up

speed round oh speed round oh Kat Sinclair says wag wag lids lady here lady I came across a news story about a guy that was obsessed

with Subutio oh I got to centre I got to centre who had a whole room dedicated to Subutio if you were going to nerd out and have a room dedicated to something

what would it be well I you know the little green army men you used to get yeah I once had like maybe like 5,000 of them

and I had a little war zone all over my own my old bedroom how many did you have though thousands did it feel like 5,000

no thousands right yeah all when did you buy them all in one go or was it like a collector you used to get like a tub of them thousands did it feel like five thousand no thousands right yeah all when did you buy them all in one go or was it like a collective

you see like a tub of them didn't you they were quite cheap all he wants for Christmas is a kawasaki and a tub of fucking army men they were hungry one day and I fed them all

with one loaf and one fish two fish he is army Jesus yeah I made like my whole like there was like I had like some of them on like string coming off my made like me whole, like there was like,

I had like some of them on like string coming off me bunk bed. So it looked like they were like part of sailing down on me. Well, I'm trying to do this in my garden office. I just want a brick of brack. What's the, what? Tat? Yeah, but like nostalgic tat.

Yeah. Every time, like, so I've actually looked at Warhammer. I want, I want, because I could never paint them. Like, I used to love, some lids have given me, when we've mentioned Warhammer, they've given me a little Space Marine.

I've got a couple in my garden office. I want a little brigade, a little team of, not team, regiment. No, just like eight or nine space wolves or blood angels. I used to love, I used to love Blood Angels. So I've been looking. People paint them, do them really nicely,

and then sell them on eBay. I think I'm going to gift myself a little fucking Blood Angels squadron. So I don't want a whole room of it, though. I like having NFL stuff on the walls. Where would you go? You'd go Army Men again? I'd go Army Men again, yeah.

Carl, you've got football shirts coming out. You could have a fucking whole room of it. Pokemon. All right. I think having proper old-school Pokemon cards and having little figures and that, that'd be sick. Because the Pokemon's back, isn't it? Still the original 150, though.

It's got to be the original 150. Yeah, Gem World 150 or all this fucking, like, cock-a-bock. I'd love a full Skeletrix. I'd love a full Skeletrix. You should do my hair, then. Have you got divorced without telling us? My garden office is basically, it's basically divorce-proof in my life.

When she's like, you're out of here, I'll be like, fucking 20 metres down the garden. That's why I got fucking big window. Five folds. If she kicks me out, I'm at the back of the garden. That's where I'll be.

Is it better than your house? Yeah. What? Is it better than your house? It's not got a toilet. I have to piss around the bush. Around the bushes. That's not a problem,

is it? No. It's just not problem, is it? No. It's just not. So every time someone comes to say over, Laura's like, you can't put people in the garden office,

there's no facilities. She never says that, but she says there's no toilet. I'm like, it doesn't matter. There's only blokes staying. Vittorio, Ishan,

Jamie Hutchinson. Jamie Hutchinson can sleep on the fucking trampoline. I know a lot of women who piss in a bush. Yeah, but not a lot. I just think it's not an issue pissing around the back of the garden office in a bush? Yeah, but not a lot. I just think it's not an issue

pissing around the back of the garden office, is it? I did it when I stayed. Oh, you've stayed, haven't you? Yeah. I had a shift in your garden. No. I wasn't staying.

Broken. That's why I'm getting a polar bear. Dirty car. Speed run. Well, we all used to piss freely, didn't we? Yeah.

I've always had toilets done. Yeah, no, just because we used to piss freely didn't we Yeah Haven't always had toilets then Yeah no just Just because we used to do something Doesn't mean That you know There's still some countries on earth now Where people shit in the street Finland Shall we do some advice

Yeah I'm here to help Here to help I'll solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do I don't know this line If you don't you might do time Oh I don't think I'm enjoying that

Good voice but you're not using it Greg says Got a bit of a dilemma going at home My missus has suggested we look into bringing someone into our relationship for group sex, threesomes, etc. We've always been pretty adventurous and she has a pretty high sex drive,

but three ways are another level to anything I've ever done. I mean, might end up us both banging some hottie, which would be lush, but then what happens if she then wants to bring in some bloke? Not sure if I'd deal with that very well.

Any thoughts on this one? You set the rules out from the start. Women only. We can bring as many women in as you like. It's like the price is right. It's just like the price is right. In fact, Greg with 2Gs just said, it's like the price is right.

Bring as many women in as you like, but you can't be one man over. What? Is there not some ratio where it's alright to have a bloke there? No. If she's like,

listen, I've got the whole volleyball team, all five of them are masculine ladies. No. Look, this is where I

admit my insecurities. I'm happy to fuck 35 women at once. I don't want a single other man to help me. Think of the parking. Um, yeah.

Think of the parking. I don't know. Just think of the parking. yeah think of the parking I'm just thinking of the parking so he's doing trying not to come where have they all parked it's gonna be tickets galore

erm I don't I'm not into it I don't think I could watch what if the missus turns around and goes right well it's

it's you can't just you can't it's gotta be all or nothing are you saying nothing't it's got to be all or nothing are you saying nothing nothing it'd have to be like

500 women and one man and you'd put them at the end of the queue so you wouldn't get anywhere near yours right so that's what

Greg's got to go back to could you have a threesome with another woman yeah another woman yeah not another man I'd just have an eightsome with seven other women. Six other women.

Yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd get to see them all. I wouldn't. I'd wait. Greet them on the way in. I'd be in in a minute. Like Santa's grotto. Former Q ladies.

Got an elf working. An elf? An elf. An elf. The singular of elf is elf. Oh Greg, just go for it. Just get in there. Come on, Greg. If it doesn't work, divorce her.

Right. This sounds like Last Chance Saloon, doesn't it? Sounds like she's got needs. And I think she's letting Greg know that something's got to happen. It's a shame we don't know how long they've been together

because if this is after three months it's a bad sign Greg shit's about to get weird isn't it they've been together three months I don't know

I just said I don't know oh fucking hell then yeah run if they've been together five years and she's getting bored I think if you love her you've got to go for it

fuck it what's going to happen get involved Greg couldn't do it not for me not if you get to pick the mud that's worse obviously better yeah yeah what would you go for really good looking guy or like yeah you're right one of the bin men yeah i yeah i will bring a man in but i get to choose them i don't want to be no i just couldn't do it but what would you go for if you had to pay but if we were just pretending adam but adam if we were just pretending on a podcast or something what would you a man with no cock and no tongue

fucking no fingers gi joe a man with no fingers, no cock, and no tongue. Someone who'd been in a horrific accident. Go on, have all the fun you like with him. What accident were they in where they lost

the cock, tongue, and fingers? A very weird fire. He's got an arsehole, hasn't he? Yes. She can valid that for him. He's got toes.

Yeah. She's not into toe fucking. I've decided. Good luck, Greg. Good luck. yeah she's not into toe fucking I've decided good luck Greg good look she's not into toe fucking no he lost his toes as well the fire started again

tried to put it out with his feet he fucking he's learnt the hard way he needs to stop being a fireman I had to sit and weld his arse all day.

He's got nothing left. I tell you what, the fucking payout though, loaded. But he's still willing to go and try and have sex with other people's wives. Do you think we've gone

too Christmassy on this episode? We've gone too Christmassy. Feliz Navidad. Breaksiesies Welcome back everyone This week's episode is sponsored by McDonald's No it isn't Why? Because they haven't paid us any money

Yeah but if we If they see a spike in sales this week They'll like do some research They'll find out where it's come from And they might give us some money Your mum's house got two million dollars from McDonald's And then McDonald's watched one episode and went

oh no we've made a terrible mistake ask for the money back that's why we'll never get a and Segura had already bought a Lamborghini oh damn

oh really yeah yeah Tom Horton's here oh fuck Segura we got Horton how are ya alright thank you very much

enjoyed my McDonald's that I've just had cool yours was on us you're in the north yeah Horton. How are you? All right, thank you very much. I've joined my McDonald's that I've just had. Cool. On us. On us. You're in the north. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we eat. Yeah, a nice welcome. You also straightened your hair before we started. Is this a thing? I've done that for ages. I had four pairs of hair straighteners once in my time. Could you just lift the mic a bit closer to your beautiful mouth? Yes.

Is that better? There you go. That's lovely. That's nice. So you just lift the mic a bit closer to your beautiful mouth? Yes. Is that better? There you go. That's lovely. That's nice. So you had four pairs of hair straighteners? I used to have like a home pair and a wave pair and in-car adapter pair. And an international pair.

An international dresser, yeah. What? An in-car adapter pair? Yeah, it was always just a nervous thing. I think my hair's like a really weird, like it's not curly or straight. It's sort of like a pubic middle. Wave?

Yeah. Wait, a permanent wave? You think it's a wave or straight it's sort of like a pubic wave yeah wait a pair it's a permanent wave you think it's a wave it looks it looks wavy to me but he's done that with the straightness i've done it with the straightness though yeah if it was this i'd look like it's a real sort of pubic middle ground like my hair yeah much like your hair yeah so he avoids you look very nice with your hair though he used to have four items all that did the same thing including one that worked by his car capacity so that your hair wasn't on his head can i just say you look lovely you pull it off way better than i ever could can i just say the items are offensive to

me as a baldy but i love the system i love the fact that you've gone i need to do this and i also need to do it in all of the places i'm going to be like i like what you're actually doing is deeply agitating to me do you have like hair straightening that's the way most people have phone chargers yeah do you have like razors or something though do you shave your head yeah i've razors i have a have you just been baby to this i have a plug have a plug-in razor for the car. Oh, razor. Fucking hell. I'm looking more bald. Oh, there you go. I love systems.

I love stuff like that. Can you get three points for straightening your hair? You can get three points for doing anything while driving that isn't beneficial to driving. Yeah, straightening your hair, I think, might count as one of them. No, that's beneficial to driving. Is it wavy dais and your eyes? That's a good eyes that's a good point yeah yeah i can't just brush this away yeah if you're doing anything if you're talking even do you know it's illegal to even talk

through the car thing like they're hands-free technically yeah they have it why why do they have it for when you're parked up no no it's but how really is that what it counts as distracting anything distracting

so having a conversation with someone is distracting because you're not concentrating so your 100% focus should be on the road because a license to drive

is just a license to kill them right yeah that's the I remember that saying James Bond's not allowed to use hands for days what about if you just feel sad? Can you get three points for that?

Which one are you? Well, if you're like, oh shit, I was just feeling really morose. And you drove. Yeah. You can't drive sad. I don't think you can, technically. I mean, they've got to prove it.

You've crashed your car. Were you concentrating? I was feeling nostalgic. Three points for nostalgia. Oh, the 80s. Wouldn't you just laugh? Oh, the 80s, where you could leave your door open, TV celebrities. It's hard to be in the 80s wouldn't you just laugh oh the 80s where you could

leave your door open TV celebrities it's hard to be doing the 80s national speed limit 70 I meant the era the decade

you said your time whip them out don't even bother perpetuating that I have never once straightened my hair relax

it's just a hair straightener it's gone I've never straightened my hair I'm not saying it's bad. What are you saying? But I just thought

I wouldn't do it myself. Tom, have you got your podcasting straighteners on you? Just whip them out and let's do it. Yeah, yeah. I've got my Liverpool-specific podcasting straighteners.

Hang on, these are Manchester. He does straighten his hair, doesn't he? Yeah, your hair looks weirdly straight. Qua third. You need curlers, if anything. Yeah.

My hair's too straight, I guess. We should swap. You need curlers if anything. Yeah. My hair's too straight I get easy. We should swap. I'd love that. Yeah. I genuinely would. Okay. Swap numbers

and chat our chat. Have you come up just for this from London town? I have but I'm on my way back to my family home in North Yorkshire. Why are you laughing at that?

Where's the family home? In North yorkshire just by scotch corner yeah yeah oh so you own the services oh that's nice yeah but i'm at yeah just behind the back of burger king right that's where we live near the bins uh so okay good you've got that i didn't realize because you don't okay that's just sounds like inverted snobbery, but you don't sound Northern. I don't know. Well, I was boarding school from six years old. Holy shit. Yeah.

So this is educated. Until when? Sorry? Until when? Till eight. Boarding school till 18. Fuck me, mate. Yeah, no.

Six years old. Pretty tough. Hang on. Where did you think that was going? If you go into boarding school till 18 fuck me mate yeah no six years old pretty tough hang on where did you think that was going if you go into boarding school at six you can't just be dumped at the fucking comprehensive at 11 that's basically child abuse 18 it's child abuse i mean that's a that's a bbc three sitcom in the making though isn't it yeah the kid from boarding school who's got to go to the local well that's literally that's the in between between us yeah that's happened yeah in between us he went

Will see I auditioned for that role you should pitch it did you really I did fuck off yeah I auditioned

with the bloke who is the friend bus friend him and Emily Attack and I didn't get it because they said I didn't get it because they said

I didn't look like a virgin enough enough such such a what a way to make you feel good you should see my hair straight you haven't got the part mate

but look it's only because you look like you're getting too much pussy if you just like curl your hair I feel like they were just letting me down nicely rather than actually being serious

every job you should do that you're going to get a job but you don't look like a virgin you just look like you slayed too much and that's why you haven't got this job at mcdonald's um your audition for that you didn't get it um so you you say your family home's in north yorkshire do they not live where I went a while back? No. Have they been kicked out of there? We've moved out now, yeah.

Were they in arrears? Sorry? Were they in rental arrears? Well, our landlady died. Can we say where it is, please? Where did he used to live? He used to live in the Tower of London. He did.

And the Queen was his fucking landlord. Now, if you're a regular listener to our podcast, that sounds like the level of bullshit that we do on the regs. And everyone's like, oh, these are mad. Well, that is absolutely true. Tom lived in the tower. I did for six years. So I had family home, actual home up north. And then to my dad is the ex-professional head of the whole military.

So Navy, Army, Air Force. I can give you the title if you want. Yeah. What's the title? It's General Sir Nicholas Horton, Knight Grand Commander of the British Empire, Constable of the Tower of London, Lord Baron of Richmond.

For me, mate. Or as us mates call him, Keith. That's big Nicky. Professional head, because the head is the king. Is that right? What? Oh.

I don't know why I said professional but yeah, like there's an unprofessional one who's just like, we're the fucking superstars walking around. Just fighting nukes constantly. Nah,

fucking around with guns. Well, I didn't think. So what, he retired and basically got the gig as the, what do they call it? The captain of the

Constable. The Const the? Constable. The constable. Constable of the Tower, which sounds like a police officer, doesn't it? But it's not. Yeah, the Queen said, would you like to do that? And he said, yes. And at that point, I used to be in the noise next door.

How, hang on. Oh, you can't just say great into the noise next door after a sentence that was the Queen said, do you want to do this? And he said, yes. I know who'll be good for this job. Big Nicky. Was your dad, what's his name?

Nick? Nicholas. Can I call him Nick? Sure. You can call him Keith. So was Nick and Liz on like, like speed dial? Did they know each other?

Yeah. Yeah. They'd hang out a lot because head of the military. So I mean, she said when he retired on his retirement day at the Ministry of Defence,

she sent him a carriage that took him to Buckingham Palace so she could say, well done. My parents and the Queen used to go shooting together and stuff. Oh, you lucky fuckers.

We've got some questions about the Queen that need answering. You might be the man to help. God rest her soul. Speak for yourself. Oh, yeah, I forgot where I am. You guys...

Oh, we love the Queen here. We're on the opposite sides, aren't we? Mate, if they had their way, you'd have been asked for a passport at Roncorn, basically. So let's not... No, I... Yes, they hang out a lot. basically so let's not no I um yeah so they hang out a lot

they used to go to events and stuff like sit in the royal boxes I've been in a few of them I've been to Buckingham Palace twice have you ever been there what's she like

what was she like I never met her I was in the same room as her oh do you know you're in the same room as her well I know I smell her well I could see her ah but you didn't

go over and meet her no because he's like the queen no if you're in the room it's not like you go over wouldn't you it's not like a table in weather spoons where you're like you just go fucking hell lizzie you know my dad big nick like i'd give a go. How would you know she's in the room with you? Never open your eyes in the presence of the queen. Fucking hell, is that Izzy Miyake? Big Liz loves Izzy. Lizzy Miyake. Come on, come on, bro.

So two times we're in Buckingham Palace when it was the throne room, because my dad's been knighted twice. Toilet. What? The toilet. I went to the toilet. She's having a shit and he won't be.

I did. Made sure I took a slash in Buckingham Palace. You've got to do that, right? Yeah. I'd have shot in Buckingham Palace. I did too.

Did you? Yeah. Yeah. That's so much more respect for you. When we did the arena, I went through the list of people that have plopped in the main dressing room.

That's the first thing you do, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I didn't muck in the arena. I did. I had to pre-show poke. Me too. Muck.

It's the first thing I did when I came here. Was it you? Yes. The place is you, shit. Buckingham Palace. Have a word HQ. Your dad was knighted twice. He was a grand knight.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Tom. How have you ended being mates with us knobheads? This speaks badly of you. I have got a title, though. No. Yeah, I'm the honourable. Fuck off. Yeah.

And there's no reason, like, I've done nothing. You've got a wire on. What? You've got a wire on. A wire on, oh. Right, so why were you in the same room as the Queen you've got a wire on a wire on oh right so why were you in the same room as the Queen

and why didn't you go and give her a fist bump I love how you got your little pinky extended when you were doing your McDonald's cup as well he's talking classy

it's because well I was there in Buckingham Palace because my dad was getting knighted twice so you get invited and I remember thinking every time i've seen her the national anthem always played when she came in and then when she

left so just thinking how many times has that woman had to listen to that yeah i'm sick of my walk-on song and i've only been in comedy like 10 years i mean because also like god save the queen from her perspective that translates to her as just people going stay alive yeah stay alive just remember wherever you like wherever you went that's what you listened to but the bgs did when she sung it do you reckon she changed it to me an old me. Me, me, me, me. Never know because she never got an England cap.

For real, so. She'd have been fucking great in the middle. She had great vision. What do you, because you're, you've, you've from a,

obviously a pretty good background and whatnot. You've been to boarding school. But I mean, do you, and also you've done loads of shit old comedy clubs with us with which is great but do you have like an inbuilt sort of confidence when you go to these sort of really high end like if you're going to buckingham palace do you get a bit of a twitchy arsehole like this is a bit full-on

or are you like no this is fine because i would be a fucking state yeah oh i'd be i'd just know i'd make a knob of myself i don't fucking i hate it like anywhere with the dress code freaks me out i can't stand it just go on your sackies right easy e-meat no jerry kale on the go and everything me tom i i think it's i yeah no you definitely have a an idea that it's it's a big it's a big thing i mean i guess like the house of lords i've been there a couple of times now recently and i don't an idea that it's it's a big it's a big thing I mean I guess the House of Lords I've been there a couple of times now recently

and I don't have much of a worry there did you shit there oh god I don't think I did oh and you know no not yet that's on the bucket list

it will be but that was just a timings issue rather than not wanting to right yeah good not taking laxatives on your way to the House of Lords that's one of the House of Lords.

That's one of the positives of having an IBS is whenever I visit a historical landmark I can just shit on the man. Your purpose built for it. Yeah, that's why you've never been invited to the House of Lords.

Matter of time. Matter of time. Yeah, I bet you're well on their to-do list. Get rowey bags in. Lord rowey bags. It's a remix. I am a Lord though.

Finn got me a lordship for christmas last year somewhere in aberdeenshire yeah yeah yeah he did he got you that how much did that cost i wonder why i haven't been invited to the house yet 35 quid 35 quid there's your answer the house of lords yeah i wonder why i hasn't been invited yeah because finn spent 35 quid on it he spent 35 quid on some knobhead photocopying a fucking certificate. Whoever that guy is, smart. He's probably a lord. Am I allowed to go, though? I'm not sure it's an actual lordship.

I don't want to burst your bubble. I think it's technically just a name change. I've got a certificate and it's got one of those little red stamped things on. Do you know what? A wax seal. Do you want to come back with me to London? Yeah. That's basically an invite. You can go in and go,? A wax seal. Do you want to come back with me to London? Yeah. That's basically an invite.

You can go in and go, yeah, red seal. And they go, oh, fucking hell. So your dad had done such a good job as the head of the forces. But basically, is it like a cushy sort of semi-retirement job? Essentially. Being the constable of the tower. Yeah, it's like a more ceremonial position. Because...

Is that basically just like giving him a gaff? Yeah, really nice hat. Is it just like a house? So it was Queen's house, built in 1540 under the reign of Henry VIII for Anne Boleyn. Did she get off? She got off there, didn't she? She got chopped, yeah, by a French swordman.

She was the first, wasn't she? She was the first to get chopped. I'd have been a bit suspicious of Lizzie there if I was your half-fella. She was like, I'll go and live in there. Like what, to fucking chop in the other house?

No, thank you. Yeah, yeah. This is cool. I'm alright. There's literally a guillotine outside by the... Well, I've been. I went to...

When Tom lived there, he showed me around. I wanted to have a poo in Hitler's toilet, but I wasn't allowed. What? There's a toilet. Hang on.

What? Hitler's toilet. In the Tower of London, there's a cell that they built for if they ever caught Hitler. Right. And there's a toilet in there that's never been used

because it was for him. Right. It was built for Hitler, so it's Hitler's toilet. And they've just kept it. It's just there. It doesn't work. Right. But it's a Hitler, so it's Hitler's toilet. And they've just kept it. It's just there. It doesn't work. Right.

But it's a proper like... That was the payback for the war. We're going to build him a toilet, but guess what, guys? No flush. It's not going to flush. He'll be fuming. It's been mine.

You'd also be quite tempted to just install a big gold fist that just comes up from the U-bender. Yeah. I don't think he'd use the toilet again though would he no yeah fool me once yeah there's a photo of me stood on the tower of london in a pair of 110s and a philadelphia eagles t-shirt that was always like the weird because you came over you're like

i've not gonna do the accent but don't give it a go no no no what do you think do you think it's the fucking first pair of 110s that's been around the tower yeah sounds like Paulo Gade I think so apart from

apart from Hitler's 110s they had them ready next to the toilet if we catch him no he'd be more of an under that's my name yeah I know but that's why they

you know to fuck him over I'm an under that's my 110. Yeah, I know, but that's why they, you know, to fuck him over. I am an adult. That's my name. One time's love. Gutted for you. So you ended up, now, Tom, like, you're like an adult and everything.

I mean, you don't live with your parents, do you? So when- I did. No, but I mean, when it was like, did your dad go, listen, Tom, this is going to be a real fuck around. I'm going to live at the Tower of London. I know you're like, you've got to to flatten everything but you want to just pie that

off and just live here well that's it so because i was living with the noise next door in brighton my old group the noise next door are a comedy improv group yeah they're still going they're very good lovely people yeah and um i left them at the same time my dad moved in so it just happened at the same time so as I was moving up it was like so I could either rent a small room on the outskirts of London or go and live in the massive historical palace for free

with my dad and it was like just to get your comedy career off the ground do you know what it's quite nice to have that little leg up yeah yeah take it. I mean, they say there's a problem with how unfair it is with the class system and comedy, but I don't believe it. I think I have had the same obstacles that all you guys have. It's not even in West London.

Question. Now, because your family don't live there anymore. Yeah. And Lizzie You know Gone So Executed That house That you lived in

Yeah Is that on like Zoopla now Right move Do you have to apply To the king Well it's changed its name Is it king house

It's king's house now And the queen's guard And now the king's guard Yeah But who lives in the house The new constable Oh i see who's that oh i can't remember his name you'll know him you'll know he drinks in the air scottish john yeah yeah he's been selling firearms to the royal family for so long they were like

who's that tom let me think of the name like we're all listening, we might know him, there's a chance. Who is it? Hang on. You're gonna feel fucking stupid now if this is Bradley Walsh or something. I think he plays darts with me dad. Bradley Walsh. Is it Bradley Walsh?

Is it Bradley Walsh? No, he was the previous one. Ah. And then he went on to do the chase afterwards. Cause that's the natural progression. He's head of the military, constable, and To do the chase afterwards Makes sense Because that's the Natural progression Yeah His head of the military Constable And then The chase

Post the chase Can you google and see If we know What's the title Constable Constable the Tower of London Constable The load of huskers

Constable Constable General Sir Gordon Messenger Gordon Messenger What a fucking Say name that is Melinda's dad

She's living there now She's in your bedroom That's That's That's Is that your dad? No that's General Dannet Is that his hair?

Don't know I can't see him on there What the fuck He put in General Horton Where did he get that half from? Is that his hair coming through his ass? H-U-J-H-T-U-N Like Tidebo West

There it is That's quite a good picture oh Big Nicky oh my god he looks like you look at that that's a lot

a lot of fucking medals that's a lot of medals are they all his do yeah some of them are chocolate he's not got them on Etsy are those medals

that he's got on there and all the other stuff yeah like are they always on that jacket because I would I would find it very difficult

to resist the urge to hang them off me Christmas tree that's just his pyjamas how do you wash that in the washing machine you're fucking nuts mate 30 degrees max

yeah is that the Victoria Cross no that is the KCB I think that's the knight commander of the British Empire oh my god Tom that's it that's what I wanted to look at That is the KCBE, I think. That's the Knight Commander of the British Empire.

Oh my God, Tom. That's what I wanted to look at. They're fucking sick, them. It feels weird. It's just eyeing up my dad's chest. They're all just really big Pandora charms, really, aren't they? He queued up outside. You guys not got any medals?

I got one yesterday because there's... This is actually true. The Christmas market in Liverpool at the minute. And you pay a fiver and you get five shots of a football and there's like eight holes in the wall

and if you get it in once you get a medal. Twice you got a footy and three times you're an England shirt. And I put it in with my first shot and I was just like,

that'll do, gives me a medal. How did the other shots go? I didn't take them just like that'll do give me a medal how did the other shots go I didn't take them I did I missed the other four but the first one

went right in I've got my grandad's medals from the second world war that's so sick can you bring them in

yeah service in Africa I think one of them was I paid for the shots it was my second lot of goes

I was in the middle of a story don't dare it's boring it was boring. It was boring. Everyone's like, oh, God. Oh, did he serve? Well, Adam scored.

How many shots did your grandad score in Africa? None. Fighting Rommel. Bore off. Full disclosure, I missed the first five, so I paid again. Oh, my God. And the reason I paid again is, as I took my fifth one,

some woman with a fucking kid who was dying to have a go went, no, you're not having a go, because it's literally impossible. That's how they make the money. And when she said that, I was like, I'm going to fucking show you. And the next shot, right in, and I looked at her dead in the eye and went...

And then she kissed you. She was like, he needs a dad. And I'm like, Daddy, is that you? And then we fucked. You were right there. And I fucked her so hard that we did a DNA test afterwards and that kid's mine.

The kid started clapping. Adam, Adam. Fuck it up. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, I got a medal. You did a dab. Nice. Have you got any medals? Have you done anything like military? No. Oh congratulations Oh yeah I got a medal Nice Have you got any medals? Have you done anything

Like military No I've got some rosettes Swim meets Fair celebrations mate Horse riding and stuff But no medals really Horse riding

Like racing Or like Point there Yeah or like dressage Dressage That one Oh mate Is that where you get the horse

To be like fucking? Yeah, or that. Yeah, the horse is dabbing in fucking cartwheel. Or crimp walking. That video of Snoop Dogg and Kevin Hart watching the dressage. Oh, we're going to get this in a video. It does. When you watch Snoop Dogg watching dressage,

it does look pretty, like, it looks like they've, you know in LA when they've got the zip, zip, zip, zip. Do you reckon the horses know that they look fucking sick though? Mate, they are the biggest prick horses. I bet you fucking anything. If they're hanging out with the other fucking horses, they're like... It's what?

Do you not think? I reckon they're getting pussy though. Right. They're getting horse pussy. They can move, can't they? Girls like a man who can dance yeah they'd never they'd never

star in the in betweeners too much pussy if he's in the club like that oh oh and there's some little maggot in the

corner who can't even dance she's sucking him off fact deal with that I've got no interest in going

the horses it just doesn't it doesn't do it to me if we were all going to something like the national or one of the just to say I've done it but it just doesn't it doesn't would you go to the dressage it doesn't do it do it to me if we were all going to something like the national or one of the

just to say I've done it but it just does never something that's particularly interested me I think we're going to be in Nashville when the national's on

what we can't go next year oh right we just go to a rodeo what's the year one in the states it's the Kentucky Derby isn't it

Kentucky Derby the Kentucky Derby yeah that's when Kentucky play Kentucky it's big Kentucky Derby isn't it Kentucky Derby the Kentucky Derby yeah that's when Kentucky play Kentucky it's big Kentucky City again

City yeah yeah that's great the amount of fucking chicken erm we should go to the Alstead

why would you not follow in your dad's footsteps footsteps would you follow in your dad's foreskin I didn't say that that's what you wanted to say he circumcised i couldn't oh yeah well why do you not want to follow him into his job i think because he he'd done it all like if he got to the he got to the top of the military so i wouldn't have ever been

able to be better than that i see what you you mean. But also, I was performing Cats the Musical on the stairs at five in a leotard. And they all went, ooh, maybe not the front line for this one. Maybe the Navy. Possibly the Navy. And they saw my hair straight as coming out and went, it's getting more and more unlikely, I think, actually. I relate to that a lot, you know.

Yeah? Yeah. Pulling your dad's footsteps. I just know what you mean like cause he completed it like if he'd only got to like

the second level then there's something you can do I'll fucking smoke this cunt I'll get well out of him second level

do you think it's like whatever it is before the end of the military it's not a computer game he's made the second level he killed a big boss

at the end of the first level and now he's more important in the military. No, but like, his dad got to the top. What I mean is, if he only got to the penultimate one, that's how they do it.

His dad had to whisper too. General. Yeah. Well, the vice chief defence staff. Yeah. Him. The vice.

And he has to be like, John, go and tell the queen. I'm laughing at Pooh. Like, that guy. Did he actually fight in a war and stuff? Yeah.

Oh my God. A few. And was in Northern Ireland. He was overseeing the British troops at the time of the Good Friday Agreement. Oh, that's really good. We had to have, we had to have armed bodyguards

and everything at that time. I was like 12, so I had no idea what was going on. You just thought it was the norm? Yeah, I was just like oh we can't go with this place that has graffiti

we'll just stay away from there right okay but yeah we had bombproof cars bodyguards we had them in Dovey as well

I had gym nap training sorry we had all of that in Dovey as well but for different reasons you know what I mean was your dad part of the Good Friday agreement

it was part of the Ash Wednesday agreement between Dovey and Paige Moss Kelly's wife sit down Kelly's wife that was our version

Bill Clinton was there as well troubles Mo Mullen doing a fucking thing he sent Hillary for us so interesting I'd listen to all his stories

do you ever sit down and listen to him just regale to him yeah yeah I've done some interviews with him for my social media and stuff

he's quite a secret he's quite a reserved guy though he doesn't like talking too openly about stuff is he not allowed I feel like he's got secrets yeah yeah because he was the

head of the fucking military you don't get fucking head of the military by tell you a fucking great story. That's true. Yeah, he's a pro fucking secret keeper. He did like a Bilderberg speech once as well, which is like, that's quite, that's like,

that's like the proper- I'm telling you right now. I went there. I went to the one in Hamleys. Sorry? I went to the one in- I knew it. As soon as you said Bilderberg,

I knew in his head he went, Bilderberg. I fucked you good last night, Gil. I went to the one in Hamleys on my own to get a... What was... Why was he invited by them? What we're going to do here, Adam, is... Bilderberg. It's the big secret group.

Where did they meet? Somewhere in... Oh, not Bilderberg. Not Bilderberg. Take the toy shop. They are there, though. They're invited. Because people always get them mixed up. They just do-Bear. They are there, though. They're invited, because people always get them mixed up.

They just do that, yeah, to make up all the numbers, so it looks like there's got to be a crowd. They just put loads of bears. So what's Build-A-Bear? Build-A-Bear. Oh, is this the fucking pizza place in Washington where the old fucking sacrifice kids and that?

Yes. No, it's the Illuminati, isn't it? It's where all the big decisions are made once a year in this big mad meeting. Has he been to that? Sorry? Has he been to that? He's spoken... Sorry? Has he been to that? He's spoken at it, yeah.

Fuck in hell. Get him in. Where's he? See, I told you this pizza place existed and you've laughed at me for three years of podcasting. Hillary Clinton eats children and he's just proved it.

Yeah, that's what I got from that. You spent half of that confused about Build-A-Bear but now you've really worked it out that's amazing you spoke with that yeah is he allowed to speak about that sorry is he allowed to speak about is he allowed to speak about it i think i can't i remember that i think it was they were talking about the west's response to trump being impacted something about trump being in power at that time so i can't remember specifically and he couldn't go into

detail that's so cool but i assume he flew into a volcano and they were all there and like zooming around on chairs and yeah had a mass orgy at the end that's how i see it that's what it should have yeah yeah yeah and they've all got little miniature versions of themselves mad or tiny bears or tiny little building because they brought them here national secrets Secrets. They just record them. Put them in their little hand. That's how MI6 pass on information. They go build a bear.

There's an operative working out of Southampton. And then they pass the bell and you just squeeze it and it goes, there's an operative. I need hugs. The Queen's a lizard. I knew I was right. Is she? Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. He's got so much more authority than I knew I was right. Is she? Oh, God. Yeah, yeah.

He's got so much more authority than us on anything royal. Is that conspiracy come from Liverpool? What conspiracy? The Queen's a lizard. Because you guys are obsessed with lizards. Is that right? Apparently. Everyone's a fucking lizard.

They're obsessed with us. That's what I've heard. We cracked the code, and we're the only ones willing to stick to the fucking truth. That's what I've heard we cracked the code and we're the only ones willing to stick to the fucking truth that's what it is

yeah that's why Lizzie Queen Lizzie exactly yeah it actually makes a lot of sense when you start putting it together it does

lizard Miyake and there was that video where she took off her human skin and just crawled away for a bit and then it mysteriously got taken down off YouTube yeah that was on Dailymotion got demonetised skin and just crawled away for a bit and then it mysteriously got taken down off youtube yeah

that was on daily motion you have to pay for it will you so you're not involved at all with anything like that anymore you don't get a chance to like be in a room with charles no um uh well my dad's still a member of the house of lords i mean i've never been involved in it i don't mean that would be like your family's involved my dad's still a member of the house of lords i mean i've never been involved in it no i don't mean that would be like your family is involved my dad's still a member of the house of lords um tom's just tom's just been to his dad getting like knighted he's not part of the fucking no i know illuminati he gets chances to go to these events because all right right right i was in i was in the same room as prince charles last year this year this year was he not king yet no it's just no it's just before just before edinburgh so maybe the start of this year this year was he not king yet no it was just no it was just before

just before Edinburgh so maybe the start of this year I was with you just before the funeral remember yeah you were yeah yeah

because I was sort of a week off yes dealing with the death of the queen as I only could with humour you know what I mean because like

it cut me deep and this whole city I deal with pain with jokes so I put on a gig on the day she died because it cut me deep and this whole city I deal with pain with jokes so I put on a gig on the day she died because everyone else

cancelled their shows this whole city really struggled with the grief of it didn't it yeah because we didn't have an ounce of alcohol

and then I had to do the Birmingham Glee and Tom was on with me and he was just a bit he'd taken the news a bit different and he was telling me about

his dad was upset and his dad was going to the funeral yeah yeah my man dad and you also told me that that big queue

that fucking Phil and Holly fucking queue jumped for and David Beckham was you know putting his fucking miles in for his night other than that

yeah she wasn't in that box was she yeah there's a definitely a conspiracy going. Yeah. She wasn't in that box, was she? Yeah. There's definitely a conspiracy going around that Lizzie wasn't in the box. We fucking said that. How could she possibly be in a box?

That's a fucking prime target for Al-Qaeda if she's in it. You said this at the time. What are Al-Qaeda going to do? Kill her again? Steal the body? No, she's a symbol, isn't she? Yeah.

If they cause something there, she's a symbol isn't she yeah if they cause something there she's a symbol dead or alive you're still a symbol now steal we threw their

guy in the fucking ocean what if they threw it in the Thames one all don't want that do we

one one what are Al Qaeda doing with the stolen coffin they're not they're gonna do something there it'd be such a

poignant thing everyone's eyes were on that if they did something there it'd be massive they would have risked a fucking seag on that. If they did Sutton there, it'd have been massive. Tell me they would have risked a fucking seagull or a pigeon shitting on the Queen's coffin, the actual coffin.

Making a mockery of the whole country and the Commonwealth. I don't think so. And she was a lizard. Can't have seagulls shitting on a coffin. And she was a lizard. I'm just telling you Love conspiracy theories There would have been

A lot more trouble Everyone knew Apart from the people Who queued up It was just like Our nice one Liz For you know Sitting down for years

And that Fucking Suarez Pulling out Suarez queues The whole But they queued up To pay their respects To air one out Suarez queues the whole but they queued up to pay their respects

to air fair play if that's what you want to do I think it's a bit weird but whatever they should have all known

that it was symbolism there's no way they were putting air on the fucking streets of London where was it Trafalgar Square or something

yeah it's in Leicester Square it was where the fella that was all the dogs had a song it was next to me, had a song. It was next to me. He did the Queen that thing.

Next to some break dancers and stuff. Yeah. I love it how Tom has inadvertently become a representative for the whole royal family. Tom, you speak good, right? And your dad's like a king, right? I've got some fucking questions for you. I'm feeling a little bit like I'm just reserved

and having to go, no comment at this time. No, honestly. Lads, you're from a different class from us. What's that box empty? We all know it was empty. It was definitely empty, wasn't it? It makes a lot of sense for it to be empty. There's not much sense

it makes total sense makes total sense give me the pro for being full you are give me the benefit for being in there i just i don't uh because it's the coffin that's where that's where that's where she is if she wasn't in the coffin imagine if abu hamza has got his hand on that oh abu hamza that would be drinking he'd queue up he'd be noticeable seven hours with his hook he could have picked the locks on the coffin and gone look empty nobody notices that's Abu Hamza Because everyone's Fucking annoyed about

Holly and Phil Look at them cunts You put two and two Together there They're working for him He's hired them Philip Schofield's Al-Qaeda

Is that what you just Yeah that's not a super injunction Scousers crack the code again. Nothing gets past us. Oi, Big Phil, Schofield, Abu Hamza, you do the rest. I can't? You can. You're not thinking hard enough.

Oh, my God. Absolutely insane. Where are you living now? Borough Market it's not as good as it it's not as good it's where Bridget chose it's not as good

they should give you parachute payments you know when you get relegated from the premiership you can'tated from the premiership you can't go from the tower of london to just a fucking a one bed studio like a one bed that's that's harsh it's tough did you have people come around there's like a tour yeah i had tours that went through my house so every like month i get emails of when the tours were coming when i first

moved in i would just like if I had to go to the shower I just walked naked to the shower and I very nearly walked in on different tours going around but also the beefy and said that the tourists kept on seeing because there's always like three four hundred tourists looking at my house they quite often just see a naked bloke like walking back and forth through the windows. Love that. And all the tourists kept complaining. That's their fault for looking. I think I've seen a ghost. How can they complain?

A really fuckable ghost. He was being very sexually aggressive. What is the complaint there? How could they possibly complain? Excuse me, I'd like to lodge a complaint. Some man's got his knob out in his own house. Right. We've been through this before

I know that you think you're on your property and it's all fine oh don't even start if you stand if you get on your window ledge bollock naked and stand there

facing the road that's different it's he wasn't doing that he was just posturing about doing the dishes having a shower with his cock out

nothing wrong with it scraping my balls across the window well that's wrong Tom and you should know that and you can do it in the garden that's all you can do anything you want in your own garden yeah keep your eyes out my fucking garden keep your fingers out my wife and that old saying we need to write that too we need to write we need to write more down don't look at my garden and stop thinking of

my wife get your toes out of there as well how was the fire oh lord Tom you've caught us on a really silly Christmas movie

it's an interesting one yeah I know I'm enjoying but we've never had somebody with your knowledge yeah and my new year's resolution is to get as much knowledge as possible so an interesting one yeah I'm enjoying no but we've never had somebody with your knowledge yeah and my new year's

resolution is to get as much knowledge as possible so yeah starting now getting a week's head start well it depends

whether or not I don't know if all the royal family stuff are going to be around for much longer what do you mean exclusive

do you think it's going to how long do you think do you think there's a time I think as soon as Prince George

starts doing tiktoks everything we can't keep this guy surely he'll have the most followers on tiktok oh he'll have so many followers but he starts doing twerking and break it's is he two away he's biann william isn't he yeah right yeah mad so we can take that and then be king i think people are the monarchy's got to change i think think. Because people, the idea of this all sort of gifted from God and pure blood and being in charge, everyone gets that that's old and archaic. I think as far as a tourist attraction,

and the idea it creates more money than it spends, that's good. It's going fucking nowhere, Tom. It's going nowhere. No, of course. We are well past getting rid of the royal family. All right, you think it's going to just keep staying? Of course.

Of course. Talking about ceremonial, it's totally ceremonial. It's like a funeral. People are fucking into it. That was the queen. No, I'm telling you now. If Charles went this year, if he, I don't know, something bad happens, anal prolapse, right?

And he's gone. Trips over his fingers on the stairs. Exactly. Something bad happens and Charlie chokes it, right? Gone. Dead. Done.

William in. More popular than Charles. 100%. But then he gets a wasting disease and he's gone for a year, right? If George was in charge, then it becomes a laughing stock

because who the fuck is taking orders off a baby right cool so that is how the royal family will end

just to recap Charles Sausage Fingers the king falls over his own fingers on the stairs then William gets a medieval wasting disease

King George is in at nine and everyone's like this is a fucking joke. We're not taking orders off him even though they've had no fucking say in policy for the last 500 years.

Mad da. He can't run the country. He wasn't going to. That's still bullshit. Plus he's shit at footy. You heard it here first. Breaking news. They're going fucking nowhere, kid. Yeah, that funeral showed news they're going fucking nowhere kid

yeah that funeral showed me they're going nowhere it's such a still a part of this country it was a big old show to be fair yeah

yeah it was big it's interesting because if Charles cops it through you know his hands exploding which looks like it could happen

any time now I don't think there's going to be a lot of fucking goodwill for doing that all again. I think that was a, you've done 70 years. She's literally the whole country's lifetime, basically. And whether you are a fan of the Royal,

not a fan of the Royal family, but you've got to respect the fucking, the game, haven't you? She's nailed it. She's run the gaff and whatnot. If he cops it in five years everyone's gonna be like oh god fuck off not again i'm gonna have him in me deadpool you know really yeah yeah exploding hands so they're not going anywhere but i swear i just don't think the country's gonna want to do that level of fanfare again like he's properly getting a fuck i don't think he'd

want it either i think he just want a little quiet one quiet one. He might elope. If they do do it, they'll do it really shoddily. Elope? Like a dog? What? Just goes in the garden. What? I just need it.

I need all the information. He might elope for his funeral. Just goes to Vegas and does that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gretna? Yeah, yeah. Oh God. Shall we have ana? Yeah. Oh, God. Shall we have a break?

Yeah. Thanks, Tom. Thanks for representing all of the aristocracy. It's fine. Really appreciate it. Here we are. Here we are. Final section with Tom Horton.

Great. The honourable Tom Horton. And we've had to turn the Christmas lights off, which are about to be taken down because this is the final Christmas episode because they have been fucking with the mics a little bit. So apologies if you heard a tiny buzzing, but I can't be doing with it anymore in my headphones.

So all the Christmas lights, I'm not being mean. I'm well into Christmas. I'm wearing an Ann Summers Santa hat. I'm feeling festive as fuck, but I can't be doing what the buzzing in me is. So you're going to take them down? They're off.

They're off. I've got to go down. Looking forward to Christmas. Are you a Christmassy person, Tom? I'm reasonably Christmassy. Yeah? My sister's now had two of my nephews

and kids make Christmas better. Loads more fun. Much more fun. Yeah. I guess with stage it was just you and your parents you're still doing the sort of you'd much rather be at the pub

opening stockings in on the do you open stockings on your parents bed I did when I was a kid I did when I was a kid oh yeah yeah

we did we've done that we still do that even when my sister was married her husband would come and join us on the bed and everything freaked him out

wow that is a tradition that probably has to end in and around puberty don't it like it should do yeah yeah yeah everyone in how old are you how old am i 38 fucking hell are you yeah i haven't had a tough life i'm three years older than me look at the fucking state of it don't do drugs kid you do not look 38 no i was just speaking to one kid listen a lot of people say don't do drugs kids i just say kid wherever i'm talking to you know thinking about doing drugs at eight uh merry christmas thank you merry christmas too and you've not been doing many christmas gigs you said you've dodged them

no i've dodged them uh very happy yeah I honestly don't think I've done it I didn't get any Christmas lights up in my flat down in London what no

you're not very Christmassy you're not Christmassy I guess I'm not I never thought of myself as not Christmassy I guess now that

you've asked me oh he's an absolute jingle bell this one are you probably I watched this new Scrooge film on Netflix that was quite good

it's alright there's one banging song in the middle yeah really good song there Muppets Christmas Carol my top three songs films

I went to see it yesterday at the Backyard Cinema Club in Manchester they did a pop it used to be in Camden it's like a pop up cinema thing and they've built it on an old railway station

Mailfield Railway Station. And they've redone it and there's like an immersive sort of experience as you go in. You go into like a Dr. Portillo's Emporium or something and then an actor comes out, makes you cringe in your soul. But Etta absolutely loved it.

My daughter fucking loved it. And then you go through like a maze and then you come out into this massive, beautiful cinema where every, like massive beanbags. Why do you keep taking edits to the things that you know idly? That, honestly, apart from you'd have hated the actor that came out, went, hello, everybody!

He might as well have come out and gone, I'm a paedophile! Keep your children close, I'll fucking steal them. And then he made eye contact with me. I was like, I can't look at you. But you just look at her, she's like loving it. He might watch this.

That is a man doing his best and you've just ruined his Christmas. I know, but then he needs to, Dr. Portillo needs to be a less noncy character. Yeah. Literally came out

dressed as fucking Doctor Who. Whoa, cheers. Stealing children. I would make that. I'd have appreciated the effort he's put in. Yeah. That is a man trying his best

and anyone trying his best is good enough for me it's not in terms of football that's not true is it no it's gotta be the best play for Liverpool

would you would you ever become a father Christmas as you got older what like the people who work on the grotto isn't there

oh as you got older obviously is that still happening? If Jack's Like you know Jack Your son Do you know him? No you're Jack

No you're Jack I don't want your Jack on my lap Lad That's what I want for Christmas If he's Is he in school yet? Nearly He's not in school yet

He is 18 months old No he can't be How fucking old is my kid? So he's a bit slow Okay He's like 20 months old Yeah he is slow He's not been moved up to primary he can't be. How fucking old is my kid? So he's a bit slow. Okay. He's like 20 months old. Yeah, he is slow. He's not been moved up to primary school.

He should be in year three by now. Because he can't talk. Right. He's getting there. He's trying to talk to Alexa. That's interesting. Hexa! Hexa!

Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro! He tries to say, Alexa, play ro, ro, ro, your boat, but it just looks like a hate crime while it's happening. Hexa! Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro! What? Knows where his uncle is oh let's hope you're his uncle

go on if when he's in reception say right how many years away is that like three years away three four yeah right no three yeah you're right

if they say look Dan we want you to be father Christmas for the kids will you just come in on Friday next week and do Christmas with all the kids? Yeah. And give the presents out. Would you do it?

I'm telling you now, if things go wrong podcasting-wise and it doesn't look like my dad is going to be asked to be the constable of the tower, you know, I will think about being... He's fourth favourite at the moment. He's top five in the running

I mean a lot of people say you know he lives in by Bradley Walsh he lives in a village in Lancashire and he

crowned Green Bowls obnoxiously amounts my dad turned it down obnoxiously amounts a lot he plays crown I don't think he's in I don't think he's in the running

my dad turned it down did he yeah yeah yeah he said no let Nicky have it let Big Nick have it. And my dad says to say thank you, by the way. I'd do a Chester grotto.

I'm not doing a Liverpool grotto. Why? Because I'm scared of the kids. There's places I'm not going to be a Santa Claus. Glasgow. Some bits of Manchester. Liverpool. Nah.

Dublin. I'm not. Belfast. Anywhere that the kids are actually Dublin I'm not Belfast anywhere that the kids are scary I'm sound I don't want to be a Santa we just want

a Santa I just want a fucking you know a little Kawasaki there box me off there yeah yeah I want me ma and da to get back together

can you box that for me lad lad there's a fucking list I want everything on that fucking list and I scream pedo

full fucking volume make it fucking happen I'll put you on the naughty list I'll put you on the sex offenders register what about that Santa better get yourself a fucking

another mountain bike it's all written in cut out newspaper letters yeah no thanks I'll just take fucking It's all written in cut out newspaper letters. Yeah, no, thanks. I'll just take fucking it's all good kids like. What was the question? You asked it.

Oh, nice one. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Matt Palm says, I was walking out of the live show when I saw Brennan Reese coming out of the same exit. I was,

we just did the arena, Tom. I don't know. I saw. I don't know if anyone in London heard about it because the Guardian didn't could you speak for all of the London press

please yeah I'm the representative yeah it wasn't good enough to be in the top 10 of the Guardian best shows I'm afraid thank you Tom

thank you Tom some comedians who you won't have heard of who did better shows oh sorry and that's just how how it is guys he says yeah I was walking out of the

arena show saw brennan reese coming out the same exit i was a few beers deep so i walked straight up to him and said hi neil in my drunken state i had mixed neil brennan's name with reese with brennan reese he's actually put reese brennan jesus christ question is have you ever embarrassed yourself when meeting someone you've admired or has a fan ever said something to you that you know they instantly regret that's from matt palmer have you ever had any encounters with a famous person sport comedy well so i can actually i can tell you i haven't had many but i've got i've got a really good dad story in the that happened in the royal box of wimbledon i'm so glad i asked this i've got one of them as well after him.

Yeah, yeah. So my dad is sat next to this guy who, I'll just straight away say, it's Samuel L. Jackson. What? Yeah, and they're in the Royal Box and they're sat next. Your dad?

Yeah, next to each other. Oh, carry on. My dad's not Samuel L. Jackson. Have you seen a picture of him? No, that would be a twist. Sonny, your dad's a builder bear. Go on, carry on. My dad's not Samuel L. Jackson. Did you see the picture of him? Now, that would be a twist. Your dad's a builder bear. Go on, tell me. And the most recognised actor in the world, right?

One of them, yeah, definitely. Probably. And they're doing the whole thing, they're having a small talk, and then at the end, so my dad goes, so, what did you say your name was? Oh, it's Sam.

He's like, oh, right, So Sam, so what do you do? Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm in the movie business. He's like, all right, so would you sell them? Direct them? What was it? He goes, no, no, I star in them.

My dad goes, really? Is there anything I'd have seen? And Samuel Jackson just looks at him and goes, probably not. Beautiful. I reckon your dad might have seen 51st State. Samuel L. Jackson's finest hour. Yeah, it is.

It's held up as his finest role. It is, yeah. He won the Oscar for that, didn't he? Yeah. He was in the showcase on the East Coast. I've had one of our fans insult me um i've got another one more than sorry but come all right um i was just walking through i was walking down bold street and someone stopped me and they went oh finn i love the podcast your music shit though and then they just went on with their day i apologize for that you have a baby um my dad was the one who told cliff richards to start singing when it was raining

wait there lie let's ask you true uh so your dad was in here shot a of Cliff Richard at Wimbledon my dad get the video my dad is sat next to Cliff Richard in the Royal Box and he went come on give us a song while it's raining

he's not in the Royal Box Cliff Richard he was just at Wimbledon my dad what are you doing Carl like I'm starting to not believe this get the video up

imagine if you did get the video up can you get the video up please don't get the video up no I you did get the video up can I get the video up please don't get the video up no I believe him should we do another question get the video up he just wants you

to get the video up I know and I want to get it up I know he's lying and I still want to get the video up just leave it it's fine you'll never know I'll never be able to search

Chris Aldi says, Hello, when Bin Laden was killed, the Navy SEALs took his hard drives and all of his media to review, including the absolute treasure trove of Al-Qaeda intelligence. There was some Western media that he downloaded, ranging from Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs

to extensive amounts of hardcore pornography. My question, if the Navy SEALs that have been sent to kill you finally catch up to kill you finally catch up to kill you tomorrow, what's the one item on your hard drive you would delete

before they put a bullet in your head? Nice one, Gohan. That's from Chris Alty. I love the fact that they found Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs on...

The thing is, he was a bad guy and I don't agree with everything he did. But he's still gonna, like, you know, he's not gonna have the worst taste in films just because he's a fucking lunatic, is he?

Ice Age is a great film. I bet you they had Die Hard on there as well. Yeah, those are them boxes with 40 films on. You just watch them on repeat. I bet you they had a fire stick. Yeah, a dodgy one. Yeah. An Arsenal fan, weren't he?

Right, yeah, yeah. He was killed in his Arsenal top. He said, better be in this. Before he died there's a there's a on the back he was

he was shot in his arsenal top what sorry pull up the video Osama bin Laden pull up the video pull up the video

Osama bin Laden when he was found had his arsenal top on he was watching Premier League years the Invincibles fucking over Mars arm yeah

that's what he said he had his Arsenal top on he had a full kit on no he just had his Arsenal top on oh he didn't Finn what are you doing I'm just trying to

find a picture of him in an Arsenal kit you won't find one at the funeral there he is there he is that's real moments

moments moments he just scored in the garden he ran in to get a drink and the Navy Seals There he is There he is That's real Moments Moments Moments He just scored In the garden He ran in to get a drink And the neighbors He was like With his

With his finest Gilberto Silva There he is I didn't even see him He's outside Fucking the Emirates there That's where he got shot He's trying to sell tickets

Holy shit That's when he got shot he's trying to sell tickets holy shit that's when he scored against Spurs there is a worried amount of Osama Bin Laden in his Arsenal top so is it known

that he's an Arsenal supporter yeah he's a well genuinely an Arsenal fan he is yeah god knows why he didn't have the internet did he

yeah well deaf to the west apart from not west London west London yeah north London I know nice swinging a mess though

it was close enough fair enough yeah he was when he was found he had his Arsenal top on I'm not even actually messing I think I I'm not

this is maybe because I've got no shame but I don't have anything on hard drives no really no I've just got I just don't have anything on hard drives no really no

I've just got I just don't have anything maybe there's nothing I just look at it straight from the internet delete last hour exactly he doesn't do that

is there anything that you couldn't explain though like something weird you lose the receipts yeah is there anything weird like

you'd just be like why have you got that like just there's a girl who I started like sort of following on Instagram, I think back in like 2014. And I've got screenshots of her boyfriend

who I've hated ever since. But apart from that, there's nothing there. A screenshot of her boyfriend? Yeah, because I don't like him. Because I fancy him all the time. I'm waiting for him to break up. Do you know what I mean? Or like for him to die or whatever.

On your hard drive? No, just on your phone. On your cloud. It's an angry cloud. Just so I can keep an update of what he looks like in case I ever bump into him and I need to have a word.

Oh, I thought you meant you had like nudes of him. I thought you had like scantily dressed pictures. Just a slow documentation of his deteriorating face. What do they call it? A dream board?

Vision board. A vision board, that's it. Adam's is just all blokes. You're fucking her. You're fucking her. I'd rather fuck her. Angry dream board. Wow.

I don't, like... I don't think people are fine now. Or know about her. Is there anything in your house that you'd want to get rid of if you knew the Navy SEALs were coming to... You know? And you know things.

You've been on this podcast and you should know better my dad's promised me that when he dies he'll give me the letters him and Tony Blair exchanged that's quite cool my dad's promised me when he dies I'm going to get the letters him and Gordon Brown exchanged so, similar

my dad says that when he dies he's going to give me the letters that Gladstone gave him because I'm old My dad says that when he dies, he's going to give me the letters that Gladstone gave him. Because I'm old. I don't know where my dad is. My dad can't write. So him and Tony Blair were chatting about... English. The war.

The war? Oh, of course, yeah. The illegal war. Yeah. All right. Let's not start. Let's not get political. Just check him.

Just check him. Money-making conversation. Yeah, could have been the Kosovan war. All fair and above board with Kosovo. If I knew the Navy SEALs were coming, I'd sort of, I'd give them intelligence that, like, like if there was a room that I wanted clearing out. You know, if I got, like, a bit behind, and, like, there was a room that I wanted to clear it out, you know,

if I'd got like a bit behind and like, there was a room that was a bit messy and stuff, I'd just be like, oh, it's all hidden in there. Go on, go nuts. And then they'd clear it out and take all the stuff,

wouldn't they? And then they find nothing. I'd be like, you can keep the stuff though. Nice and tidy in here now. Yeah. Maybe seals. And then they shoot you in the head.

What? Yeah. No, why? I haven't done anything. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? They're coming to shoot you. They're. What? Yeah. No, why? I haven't done anything. Well, that's the thing, isn't it?

They're coming to shoot you. They're not coming to reorganise your spare room. If the Navy SEALs were coming to shoot you, what would you get them to do? Yeah, just, you know, take that to the tip. Put that in the attic, stupid SEALs. Not even SEALs. And they're like, yeah, yeah, of course, come in.

There's not anybody else in that either. The dog, he didn't shoot him. What? seals and they're like yeah yeah of course come on there's nothing in my house that's not an idea the dog he didn't shoot him what you made that so bleak so sad

I don't think you used your dog as a human shield oh no the cat what's the next question we're doing have a words stop murdering the jingles What's the next question? We're doing other words.

Stop murdering the jingles. Stop murdering the jingles. You're murdering these jingles. Thank you. Some of his greatest work. Thank you. I mean, that one wasn't. Christopher Tremaine says,

Hi Lids, can you have a word with my wife Or me Probably not me For the last five years I've wanted to flip a coin at bedtime To see which side of the bed I sleep on that night She's having none of it Can you tell her she's being ridiculous please

No You're being a fucking Fuck Psychopath He's being ridiculous Oh my You're a psychopath You've got your side

You'd have your side of the bed And it depends on how close you are to a sea yep oh I thought it was just a man goes by the door it's from friends isn't it

and it stuck with me so I sleep on the right side so that the Irish sea is here and the rest of the land slash bed is there because that's where Liverpool is. Yeah. You always sleep with Liverpool

to the left. No, I am Liverpool. Clip it out. Clip it out. I want it on the soundboard. I want to... I want to isolate that and I need it on the...

Finn, I want smooth and then that. need it on Finn I want smooth and then that I am Liverpool I am Liverpool the fucking Everton fans the Irish is easier and then like fucking St Helens

and Beyond is over there yeah and that's how everyone does it well that that's what that's what Richard did in Friends

and I've sort of you know lived by everything he was about ever since listen to the man just go near the door the man is meant to be near the door in case there's any

bagels or what in case the Navy SEALs come in yeah I'm just saying it's better to be on the left hand side so that if you're

masturbating using lube you can use your left hand that hasn't got any lube on to get stuff off the sideboard I'm a left handed masturbator oh yeah well if you're normal

that's good techers so I sleep in a double bed because me and my wife sleep in separate rooms, everything's fine she's just an angry sleeper and I naturally sleep on one side of the bed I don't spread out I naturally

I do the same it's weird if I'm hungover, I sleep upside down. Like you're at the other end of the bed. Yeah, I have me head at the foot of the bed and me feet against the headboard if I'm hungover. I don't know why, but it helps me sleep. You don't have your feet on the pillows?

No, I have me pillows with me. I'm not a fucking lunatic. There is that time when you're trying to get to sleep. I am the pillow. So many times that you then eventually do just swap. Yeah. Yeah. It's a change of environment.

Oh, no other options. So I'm just back the other way. Oh, shout out on a, on a summer's night when it's getting clammy. Oh, it's so good to be up to up.

And you just move over. You're like, oh, cool side. Or to rotate. So you fit up. Yeah. Pillows on the other side.

Whenever I, whenever I, whenever I get a house that i'm happy to stay in me forever home yeah yeah you take the pillows with you you don't then just yeah a position helps you sleep like a switch of environment helps you sleep yeah well you i'm learning things today i only ever need that really when i'm hung over if i'm hung over and you know when you wake up hung over and your body's like you're not going back a kick if you just flip

and put your head down the foot of the bed it's like you're a new woman I've sometimes on a hangover known that I need to sleep more

but getting up and getting on the couch to watch something helps me then have a kick that is same theory getting on the couch

is the same as just getting down the other end of the bed changing environments yep it's fucking awful when the same as just Getting down the other end Of the bed Changing environments Yep It's fucking awful When you can't sleep Sleeping down the other

End of the bed Honestly mate It feels naughty Because the pillows fall off After you're picking them up Who am I? It's I can't recommend it enough

The soft headboard On your feet Having your feet Against the thing Just helps as well I don't know why Who has a headboard anymore? That's outdated they did it

I do I do A soft one? Yeah Oh not a soft one A wooden one A teal velour one Mine's a yellow velour one

Absolute shaggers Yeah Mine's oak Of course it is The fact that it's not teak or mahogany So Christopher Tremaine, we're absolutely coming down the side of your wife. What side though?

Is that right? What side? Oh, she decides. It's 2022. Everyone should have a side of the bed. And even if, like I've been in relationships before where the girl has negotiated with me and I know that's my side of the bed and even if like I've been in relationships before where the girl has negotiated with me

and I know that's my side of the bed and that's fine but then I just permanently switch my side of the bed forever or the duration of that

relationship I think you should have a fight for your side of the bed I think you should both each get a chicken I think you make

the chickens fight and whoever's chicken wins gets the bed yeah yeah yeah cockfighting just before bed it helps you sleep like I'm revved up from the cockfight you better tickle my balls Chicken's fight. Whoever's chicken wins gets the pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cockfighting just before bed. It helps, isn't it? Like, I'm revved up from the cockfight.

You better tickle my balls. I'm going to be up for hours. Finley Purcell. How are we saying that? That's a noncy name, isn't it? I'd say. Finley Purcell or Purcell? Purcell, isn't it?

Finley Purcell. Finley Purcell? Like parcel, but with a U. Jared Leto or Jared Leto? Leto. Thank you. Can you have a word with my bird? Okay, someone. Thank you. Can you have a word with my bird? Okay, someone else is wrong.

Can you have a word with my bird? She saw a TikTok saying that men love when their birds nick their food and pretend to hate it. Since this, she thinks it's fine to take my food and use the excuse, you love it really. Am I being dramatic when I say I feel like chitting her every time or is she being a dickhead? I, I'll be honest.

I don't justify the chilling of women under any circumstances. Can I just say, can I just say, I skim read that. Yeah. And I thought, oh, it's about food.

It'll boot off. I didn't realise he's like, yeah, if she takes another French fry, I'm going to knock her clean up. I'm on his side, just not with his retaliation. Yeah.

Like, or I'm very, it goes back to friends as well. It's Joey. You can order whatever you want. If I take you on a date, Dan, the more the money,

order whatever you like, you can have whatever you want. If you touch. He is like that on a date. He's so kind. If you touch one of my oysters without saying please. Do you hate?

I know what's going to happen. Yeah. Do you hate tapas then? No I can't imagine you're a tapas fan No I like tapas But the rules of tapas are clearly stated at the start Like we all know what we're doing at tapas It's a sherry thing But if I get a steak

With chips and onion That's what I've ordered, that's what I want You can ask Sound, absolutely Can I try a bit of steak? chips and onion ring that's what i've ordered that's what i want you can ask sound absolutely do you want okay can i try bc of course you got me yeah no worries if you just reach over and cut a bit off my steak or have a chip or an onion ring get get tinder and then bumble back down though the girl because you are on your own that's one of the advantage one of the advantages to eating at 41 years 41 years old like a fucking child no one wants to steal a bird's eye

chicken dipper oh i would are you do you oh i'm pathetic like potato smileys yeah oh talk to me um what's your uh what's your ruling on this tom you know i i think i sort of agree with adam i think you have your meal they're free to ask but if you say no no and i i'm not an advocate for the violence against women no no but to be fair to we should all be very clear on that thank you yeah yeah oh god as a rep as a representative of the south and the aristocracy okay cool we are all in agreement however don't chin women what if I'm just playing devil's advocate, she takes the whole steak off your plate, licks it, slaps it on each tit, and then goes

what? And puts it on her plate. Quick. No? Don't punch. Oh, no. Okay, no. It's just a... Is she going to tit out? Just on the top half. No, it's... He's just saying he's... You know, I don't think he's actually chinder. Just to say. Hyperbole. actually chinda just to say hyperbole

it's a little bit of hyperbole yeah best thing to do by the way is just make sure we hope I get what what she's getting just go yeah

I'll get to what I'm getting can I just say even for pasta lads even for pasta if she just goes just have a little bit of that pasta no if she asks

yeah if you ask and then you say yeah that's fine yeah but if she does if she goes oh I'll have a little bit of that pasta. No, if she asks. Yeah, if you ask and then you say, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, but if she does, if she goes, oh,

I'll get a water and then eat your fucking quesadillas. No. Pasta, I think it's better than steak though. There's something about, different foods have different levels to this, surely.

Oh, reaching over and slicing a bit. That's almost deliberately quite. Wag wag lids, you are listening to the world famous Have A Word podcast. If you love this podcast and you want more of us, you need to get on our Patreon. It's one of the biggest Patreons in the world. We are now the biggest Patreon in the UK.

What is Patreon? It's an app. You download it onto your phone. You pay us as little as £3 a month, and you get all of these benefits. An extra episode every week, a patron-exclusive episode where me, Adam Conner, boys, chat some shit, and it gets nasty. You also get early access to the public episode. Normal people, the pubes, the public, get it on Monday morning.

You can watch it 48 hours early. You can get discounts on merch you get first refusal on live tickets which is massive so many patrons everyone wants live show tickets it goes on patreon first and usually sells out and this is the big one the reason we're so far ahead of the game the monthly specials the patreon specials which include and it's a hell of a list the ghost hunt one and two the roast of adam and dam which is one of a list. The Ghost Hunt 1 and 2. The Roast of Adam and Dan, which is one of the best things I've ever been involved in. The Track Day, where we crashed a car.

Blind Date, which we did in front of a thousand people and I dressed up as Cilla Black and kicked a boob into the audience. The Food Challenge, where we all nearly puked. And the now infamous Lockdown Lock-Ins, where we come in the studio, get absolutely hammered with the boys, with guests. We've done it with Stephen Trice. We've done it, with guests. We've done it with Stephen Trice.

We've done it with Ishan. We've done it with Johnny Bongo. Some of the most ludicrous podcasting we have ever done. All of this is available for as little as £3 a month, the price of a fancy coffee. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. It'll be the best money you ever spend. This episode is brought

to you by Manscaped dot com. The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Enjoy the episode. It's gonna be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh! Oh, you

think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary.

Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. I do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do You're just a lot pickier today than you have been. Are you excited about your roast today? Oh my God, I cannot wait. With roasted carrots? Yeah. Oh, and broccoli. Yeah. Oh, mate.

I fucking love broccoli. It's going to be a lot of firsts today. First time I've eaten broccoli. First time I've puked on your lap. It's exciting, isn't it? He's not feeding you. What? He's sitting on his lap.

If he's making me a roast, I want to be fed it. He's having sex with yourself. You make like fucking bumhole eggs and everything in Luban and you're worried about just a few roasties. I thought you meant bumhole then. Oh, I'd love to.

What? Eggs. Adam's actually got roasted bumhole on, don't you? We're having roast potatoes. We're having pigs in blankets that I'm making myself

my anus they're not like pre-made pigs in blankets I'm making my own pigs in my own blankets is there any honey involved the carrots and the parsnips

are both going to be honey glazed shove it up me bollocks yes put it in my u-bitch you can have honey I'm allergic but he can't have it

anyway can he I know it's vegan it's no honey Finn I'm allergic. Oh, but he can't have it anyway, can he? I know it's vegan, it's no honey. Finn, I think I might be allergic to you. Oh, by the way, Finn. Yeah. You asked me, should you get me some sort of veggie meat? Yeah.

Which I tried to get when I went and got everything last night and nowhere had any. So, um... Spud pussies? No, Linden McCartney sausages or something. What? Can I get Linden McCartney sausages?

I'll go and find some in the break. Okay. An Adam roast dinner. Well, it's very kind of you. It better be fucking good, the amount of you. I'm fucking going, man. Roasty, roasty. Better be good.

Have I ever told you I'm good at something and then not being like world-class? Driving. What? Driving. You told me I'm a fucking excellent driver. You weren't that good on that track day. I mean, you were better than Carl.

I broke the course record. No, I just- I broke the car. I just read the times wrong. Table tennis. Yeah, I'll give you that. World class. It's annoying.

Ordering on Asian. Is Asian above world class? They're the best at table tennis. It's on FIFA, isn't it? It can't be racist if it's positive. What else is the best at table tennis it's on fever innit it can't be racist if it's positive positive information what else are you the best at noodles

they are driving oh driving they're the worst drivers are we talking Chinese it depends take your pick

oh I went for a curry last night talking about Asian two white guys working not for me not for me I Not for me. I think every curry house is allowed one token whitey.

One token whitey. They had two and one of them was a condescending fucker. So, whitey one came over and went, can I take your order, guys?

There were like, it's Coconut Grove in Chester. There were some, you know, Did the name look given away? Oh, geez. It sounds racist against whiteys, doesn't it? Fucking hell, proper Coconut Grove in there.

Full of whites. How'd you like your curry? Honking. I came over and I was like, because it's South Indian. They're doing that thing of like oh we're not just an indian restaurant we're south indian like you fucking know the difference i was like i went i like a booner like usually a fucking booner no like an et booner the og booner and i was like what's like that on the menu and he was like oh i don't know i was like cool can

you can i can you ask whitey number two comes over and he's condescending. I was like, I really like a booner usually. Is any of these curries like that? He was like, yeah, we don't do booners because we're actually South Indian. I went, fuck off, mate. You're from fucking Queensferry. Kiss my ass.

He's like, oh yeah, actually, I'm sorry. Fuck off. So just because he's educated on the food. So he's actually educated and qualified to work there and that's what pissed you off because it made you feel insecure what did you get

no he said fuck off you're from around the fucking corner I'm not having it oh yeah I'm from D side let me condescend to you about South Indian cuisine

piss off there's one white fella who works in Big Bowl the Chinese place and the rest of them are Chinese what honestly I'm down for one token whitey but he's also like he knows Piss off. There's one white fella who works in Big Bowl, the Chinese place and the rest of them are Chinese. What?

Honestly, I'm down for one token whitey. But he's also, like he's lived in China and he speaks... Oh, yeah, yeah. Chinese. When I worked at Emilio's, the Italian restaurant in Preston.

Tangerine, yeah. Tangerine. He speaks fluent Tangerine. Clementine. Oh, he's bitter. Oh no, he's sweet. I worked at Emilio's they had a white lad

another whitey who worked there who put proper coconut grove in there he put on an Italian accent when he was serving it was phenomenal to watch was he Italian?

no he's from Preston he talked like that he's from proper Preston but when he that. He's from proper Preston. But when he was serving, he's like, oh, yes, this is a very good, this is a lasagna. And then as soon as he got in the kitchen... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

I think what he did was he pronounced the dishes how they're meant to be pronounced, and you've done that. So I reckon he's probably going, you all right, Nan? Yeah. Fucking, what are you going to have? You're going to have the proscutio.

That's what he's done, isn't it? No, genuinely, he served. In an Italian accent. He did it all like, oh, no, this is good. And then came back and went, yeah, they've ordered the fucking pizza. Like that, that Lancashire. That's effort. Now, what I would have liked from both those white eels last night

is that level of effort. That would have really improved my coconut grovies. We don't sell bun. No, no. We don't have South Indian cuisine. Where are you from? Queens Ferry. Randicorna.

That would have been great. That was Italian again. Randicorna. That would be really funny if two white fellas from Queens Ferry were working in an Indian restaurant and put Italian accents on. You will.

Excuse me. We don't have the table for very long. You can have it for an hour. An hour? Do you know what I mean? Italians get very excited towards the end

of a negative sentence, don't they? When they're telling you bad news. Like they fucking ramp it up. I mean, how could I disagree with you? It's a well-known fact. You can have it for an hour. I'm sorry to tell you about your nana. She has passed away. I mean, how could I disagree with you? It's a well-known fact. The end of sad news.

I'm sorry to tell you about your nana. She has passed away. Your nana is dead. Passed away? Good name for a pizza place in an alleyway. Passed away. No, they also had funeral directors at the back. You're missing your nana. She died in a car crash. But have a linguine. that also had a funeral directors at the back. Ah, yes. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. An Italian undertaker's called Pasta where he needs to exist. I'm going to make a little New Year's resolution to be more accepting to some of your jokes. And I think that was very good. Grazie. I've got my New Year's resolutions.

Good to go. Go on. Are you ready? Are we doing it on the New Year's episode? Everyone's too excited about the Deadpool. We're dying to pick dead people that are going to die. We can't pick them now, because what if they die between now and New Year?

It's got gotta be done on the 3rd imagine the families finding out New Zealand Christmas you're dead on the stuff

have you genuinely got any new year's resolutions apart from laughing at his jokes thank you um I'm

yeah I've to use more double-ended dildos. Have you got any? No, I mean, I'm not going to... Oh, okay. I do. Just recently...

I've been thinking... Steve sucked after the other night. About ten minutes after we got it. And he sat on it. What? Steve put it up his arse and then sucked it. Is this a used double-ended dildo? It has been used.

Is that new? Rude. What? Is it not? It didn't come in a box, did it, Dan? It's been in a box, if you know what I mean. Do you think all double-ended dildos come in boxes? Real cocks.

It's come in a wrapper. That was filed in Barber. What? That's from Barber. I thought it was given to it was so one of our quiz the other day

was you had to bring back a sex toy for £200 had you found that in Barber we bought that for £200 just listen to the weight of this oh fuck