Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #205 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsVote for us in the National Comedy Awards: https://votehaveaword.comFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fucking hell. I'm doing dry January. No, wait for the caveat. Oh, I'm going to need a bigger beer at home, boy. Except. No, I'm doing dry January. On your birthday, you're not drinking. I'm going for, I'm going to, I haven't told you yet because I wanted it to be a surprise.

But I'm just going to go for a big meal. And if we all want to go out afterwards, I'll go out. And I'm going to, I'm going to not drink for the whole of January. So, till my mind shut up. What are we in? Amsterdam, though. Oh, yeah. I'm going to do a bit of puff.

Oh, are you? Everyone does a bit of puff. Oh. Are you smoking it, yeah? Yeah. What are you doing, injecting it? I'm doing a bit of puff. Are you injecting, yeah? Yeah. What are you doing, injecting it? Are you injecting marijuana? No, I'm going to be eating it.

Oh, edibles. No, not edibles. Sorry, what? You're just going to eat weed. You're just going to eat weed. Oh, you're going to find out that there's a much better option there. I'm going to be bum-dropping marijuana. I used to do it in the clubs.

I did it once in the clubs. It was horrible. I had to wash my finger for 45 minutes. You bum to do it in the clubs. I did it once in the clubs. It was horrible. I had to wash my finger for 45 minutes. You bum dropped weed? No. In the club? Popped a pill right up there

in the club. What, you fingered your arse in the club? I fingered my arse in the club on the advice of my best friend and I was never right the whole night. I mean, I was high.

Question. When you bum drop a pill, does it sort of worm its way up to your stomach and that's how it works or does it just stay in your arsehole and your arsehole gets high? It's a great question. I'm glad you asked it.

Thanks for asking me because I am Dr. Bum Love. I don't think it worms your way. I don't know. I'm just thinking of gravity. Do you know what I mean? Gravity. Like when you eat a pill, gravity helps it get to your stomach, doesn't it? Yeah.

It's not your stomach I mean Yeah It's your bloodstream Probably Yeah I suppose so Honestly I did it once And it was really not Comfortable

Not that I was Particularly gassy that night But you I think if you've got IBS I feel like you're gonna fart a fiver out Bum drop on a pill Is a waste of time Because like

It's coming back out again Like exactly Like I could just Need a shit five minutes later. Hang on, can't you put it up your bollocks? Like, under your bollocks. Have we been demonetised instantly for this? Oh, shit, it's a public.

Oh, it's true. I think it just goes in your bloodstream quicker. But I don't know how that works, because, yeah. Anyway, grim. But I'm going to do that with weed. Could you not put it down your man's eye? What? Down your man's eye? What? Down your man's eye

The penis hole? Yeah Is that where? I think you can, you know Shut up, Finn I think you can Can you put it in your ears? Here he goes

Real.co.uk Both of your ears Get out, Rick Can you stick drugs in your pee-pee hole? I'm not a robot Can you check I'm not a robot? Robot, no, it's Google, isn't it? Could you check everything with the robot in, please?

All right, Fern, we're on. Alpro, Stardill, urethral. It's to stop erectile dysfunction. A urethral suppository. I've ruined everyone's day. I'm so sorry. I just mentioned I didn't really want to

fucking bum drop marijuana and now we're looking at urethral my cock hole's little are you getting anything down there? what? cock hole's a little aren't they? big cock little hole

it has 80% absorption in the first 10 minutes of urethra oh shit fucking hell mate you can drink drink down your cock you'll be bladdered. Have you never opened your cock all that little looking?

I just, I have. It would hurt my back, but obviously you can just like... Oh yeah, fucking hell, lad. God, I'm inside my own dick. Where would you come off? Don't your mouth or your arsehole. I'm inside my own dick. Where would you come off? Don't your mouth or your arsehole?

So, yeah. I'm going to be edible. I'm going to try and not do weed. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be mushroom. Truffles, yeah.

I don't want a whitey so I want to control it from the bottom up. Edibles is the wrong choice. All right, will you help me then? I will. I will be your shaman. We'll do the balloons.

What is it? It's called the volcano. It's like a job that when kids have inhalers and you can't do them properly. The big bubbles they have. Are you starting to have fun? Yeah.

Like the big... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to see you go for it here, Carl. Because, you know, you've got a bucket list. I've crashed the car into a wall. I don't want to white you. I don't want to get passed it off

you twatting arms. I will. Really? Everyone's seeing me high In the rest of my life I am some Do you know what I mean That's old news We need to see you

I've been working up from the bottom I'll have fucking seven blunts That's what he'll do We're there for a day and a half What do you mean we're working up from the bottom what do you think he's going to do right 7am

I'll just take 5mg by brunch I'm on 15 tomorrow afternoon I'm a fucking smackhead we all know you're going to be sensible

you're a sensible man when it comes to intoxication but you can't be like I don't know I'm not doing it we want to see something but yeah I'm not

drinking while I'm there I am doing dry January you're not meant it. You've got to, we want to see something. But yeah, I'm not drinking while I'm there. I am doing dry January. You're not meant to drink and fly though, are you, as they say? I'm off the liquor. Oh,

look at that. It's on, do you not understand? It's your mum. Yeah. Answer that. No. Answer the phone. It might be me.

I get pretty annoyed now when phones go off, I'll give you that. I've been getting annoyed about it for a while. Mine has never gone off. But if, I know, but if it's your mum

that's different gravy isn't it yeah Poirot's not working yeah yeah that's the episode where he's unemployed what

what was that oh Finn Finn Poirot's not working that was quite good yeah oh Finn

oh Finn I can't get it working. She's very well. Turn. That wasn't me, that one. That was him. Of course it fucking was. It didn't make a noise.

Just turn your fucking phone off. Turns the phone off. It's not 1942. Why are you on a podcast? Turn your dick. Or block phone from wall. Let me go to bed. Or turn it off. Or turn it to silent. Stick it down your dick. It is on silent. Stick it down your dick. Or block form front wall when we go to bed. Or turn it off.

Or turn it to silent. Stick it down your dick. It is on silent. Stick it down your dick all cold. It is on silent. My nest has just said there's a person

at my front door. I love it when we haven't been in for a week. I'm going to bum drop your phone. That's where that's going. I'll be like,

oh shit, Carl's build is in. It's just on vibrate. Yeah. Anyway, happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year.

Cheers to you. What a year. Pele's dead. How was your Christmas day? Great. Got absolutely shit faced. I drank through my dick hole. Oh yeah,

yeah, yeah. Ruined my mother-in-law's Christmas. Your nachos look banged. Yeah, I was pissed. Just pissed. ruined my mother-in-law's christmas yeah i was pissed just pissed my mate claire came around and uh i was distracted and i was drunk and i was gonna make a real like like show of how nice my nachos are fucked it right up but you know when you're drunk nachos are uh great anyway but yeah they weren't like they weren't ruined but yeah i got to

about lunchtime on christmas day my my mother-in-law her partner rob and my brother-in-law had been there from the 23rd and i have been trying not to drink because i don't want to get on it and that's only happens in liverpool done it or sometimes when i'm out in chester can't happen i can't it's christmas i can drink at home so i just went for it i'd got some mojitos in finn brought me a pre-mixed mojito thing but i also had some rum and some mojito mix so i started doing it on instagram stories and i just had such a good time with it and it just descended into me sexually assaulting my gay brother-in-law um it was a lot of fun one of my best christmas days what you want he sexually assaulted his gay brother-in-law oh sorry carry on yeah i just sort of you know you know when

you're drunk when you're drunk and there's a game around so you feel as car so we did yeah a little bit my wife was trying to watch call the midwife I ruined that for her Pissed heckling Of your wife's Favourite TV show For you yeah Oh it's fucking Great Just lying on the floor

Going Brilliant It's great Call the Midwife Is boring shit Yeah So That was a great Christmas day

I did get jealous Of seeing you in Pogues though I went Cause I saw I saw the picture of it When I was pissed I was like right Uber

Honestly I reckon that Might be the best Christmas day I've had since I was a kid It was just Wonderful Cooked me dad and me brother Dinner

And That was great And at five o'clock And I knew Pogues opened at six They were like I think we might have to go You know Because I'm either going to sleep here Or in Arsenal that was great. And at five o'clock, and I knew Pogues opened at six, they were like, I think we might have to go, you know,

because I'm either going to sleep here or in Arsenal. I was like, I will get you a taxi now. There you go, there you go. Rang a Delta because they had the dog with them, Simba come for Christmas Day.

Made him a load of pigs and blankets. Oh yeah. Made everyone else a roast because I made lamb for me roast dinner. And I fucking, I garlic the shite out of me lamb. Do you know what I mean? Right.

Garlic and lamb are like a marriage made in fucking Winchester, mate. Everyone fucking loves a bit of garlicky lamb. So you can't give that to a dog, because if dogs have garlic, dead dog. That stinks. Right? You can't kiss them.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's the old thing. Does garlic kill dogs? Yeah. Fucking gimpy dogs, aren't they? They can't have grapes either. Or yeah. No, it's the old thing. Does garlic kill dogs? Yeah. Fucking gimpy dogs, aren't they? Can't have grapes either. Or chocolate. What are they on about?

Yeah. You can't enjoy the old grapes, garlic and chocolate Christmas day. I had all three of them on Christmas day. Yeah, of course. Not at the same time. No. It's a part of your cheese board. Yeah.

Oh, the cheese board I had. That was a bastard. I had a cheese board on Christmas Eve. I had a cheese board The cheese board Yeah Oh the cheese board I had That was a bastard I had a cheese board On Christmas Eve I had a cheese board On Christmas Eve That was me tea On Christmas Eve

A cheese board And about 17 old fashions That I made myself By the way I make a fucking doozy Of an old fashioned mate Can't give them The dog either

Dead Fucking stupid dogs I got the dog His own Like packer Of pigs and blankets oh yes so he had a fucking tray of pigs and blankets he loved me but i i rang uh the elsa the taxi company i was like i need a dog friendly car and he was like oh mate you're gonna be looking i'm waiting a while especially in town like for a dog friendly car and i was like yeah just as quick as

you can like don't worry about it put the phone down 20 seconds later I got a phone back going hello mate got the fucking taxi outside mate for your dog and I was like it's not a job

for us have you come from Dublin hello mate yeah they did that to us in Nando's before Christmas didn't they

it's gonna be about 15 minutes sat down damn three it was amazing fucking straight away why are you trying to put people off, go on

sorry, so then I got my glad rags on, went to Pogues walked in, Jack Finnegan's just sat there just waving at me, just like a good wife waiting for his husband to come home from war how are we lad he's like I've had like 17 Guinness, I was like I'm about to have the first of 17

I put so much Guinness away that Carl like, I'm about to have the first of 17. I put so much Guinness away that Carl knows because you've known me for a very long time. Boxing day has always been a big deal to me. Boxing day is footy,

booze, breakfast, lunch and dinner all in the pub. Right. Boxing is the pub that makes it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because Christmas day is not the pub. So me mates Josh and Steve and me and Carl went to school with.

And Carl's known Steve since like the first day of reception. Yeah. And I've known Josh since the first day So me mates Josh and Steve, me and Carl went to school with. And Carl's known Steve since like the first day of reception. Yeah. And I've known Josh since the first day of reception. Not our Steve. No, no, no.

Not our Steve, no. I don't like that. We're really like a good group of lads. But me, Josh and Steve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day has been our thing for like going on a decade now.

We just know 12 o'clock, we're in the pub, big brekkie, start drinking, footy, bets that you know you're going to lose. It's just fucking... Christmas Day, your family, Boxing Day, your boys. It's just fucking wonderful. So I met're in the pub big brekkie start drinking 40 bets that you know you're going to lose it's just fucking Christmas day your family boxing day your boys

it's just fucking wonderful so I met them in the pub it was me Josh, Steve and Josh's old fella and all of us like I turned up Josh and his dad

was already eating their breakfast because I was about half an hour late Steve was like I have to come out so I ordered a breakfast and I got us all a bottle of Corona

and like 45 minutes later none of us had finished our first Corona because we were all rough as fuck. And then I was like, I'm going to switch drinks. I tried everything to get in the mood on Boxing Day. Like everything. I had a Corona. Then I had, I think I tried to have a pint of lager top.

That didn't work. I then got a Copperberg mixed fruit. And halfway through that, I was like, I've nailed top. That didn't work. I then got a Copperberg mixed fruit and halfway through that I was like Fucking hell, mate. Halfway through that I was like, I've nailed this. This is going well.

Finished that one, I was like, I think if I have one more of them, the sugar, I'm going to be back on it. This is going to be great. So we changed pubs then and I got a Recorder League

because they didn't have Copperberg and I had that and I was like, That's so sugary, aren't you? That was too much. By the way, if you can do a whole night on Copperberg or Recorder League, what is going on with your fucking blood sugar?

Finish that Recorder League. Got a gin and tonic as another switch up. That didn't work. Got a rum and coke. That didn't work. Then I thought, you know what? I tell you what, you're a trier, Adam. I did try.

And then I was like, you know what? I'm just going to have to get a Guinness and see if that works. And that didn't work. So in the end, on Boxing Day, I didn't really end up drinking. Right. Dry January will go well, though. How many units in were you when you gave up? About 17?

Well, I went home for the Liverpool game. I watched the Liverpool game at home, which was a half five kickoff. What you've done there is you've used up some of the energy and excitement that you usually have in Boxing Day by being in Pogues on Christmas night

innit I have started as you know I will be going to Pogues every Christmas night until it doesn't open yeah it's a fucking great boozer

it was the energy in there was just not as good as Rubber Soul Rubber Soul yeah why did you go to Rubber Soul it wasn't open

I did check there first fair loss on Matthew Street Sold out But the energy in there was great Because it was just full of people Who were just really really happy That they had an excuse To get away from their families

Do you know what I mean? Like people kept arriving going I'm fucking amazed This is everything Because me fucking auntie Is about to kick off Can I just say You know I've rolled in

With a pretty chipper energy That's the exact same energy Right here I'm at work Laura's like Have you got work Can I just say, you know I've rolled in with a pretty chipper energy. That's the exact same energy right here. I'm at work. Laura's like, have you got work? I was like, I have.

I left going, because I've been in for a fucking week. But you know like when you're in a pub and you end up in a group of like 20 people and you don't know everyone

but you know about eight of them but those eight all know another eight and through, you're essentially like three groups that form like a big super group

do you know what I mean yeah and none of us were in a round we were just getting our own drinks but what we were in a round of was shots of baby Guinness or

honey tequila so every time someone went to the bar and got themselves a drink what's this this is a honey honey tequila it was delicious

every time someone went to the bar and got themselves or them and their mate to drink, they would come back with like 20 shots and everyone would have a shot. And I was absolutely blitzed. And that's why Boxing Day got ruined. But it was fucking worth it.

The last thing I remember, I don't remember actually leaving Pogues, but I remember being halfway leaving Pogues but I remember being halfway between Pogues and home and just running around singing the Mane song Mane's golden

the anti-Everton song I was just literally running around town just doing that on my own did you experience any Christmas racism there's always Christmas racism excuse me in the families you get with the whole family together none of my family we did we did some in tribute i i can't believe i took that the wrong way then i was like i haven't suffered any racism like someone was like here's your turkey you're fucking white

laura is genuinely that was the most white response to that question like no no one's racially abused me Laura is genuinely that was the most white response to that question like no no one's racially abused me

I've been lucky you must have had some no my grandad is in a home now so an all white home he is

he is really an all white is what an all white home it's very not all white it's in Deepdale in Preston it's not all white town. It's very not all white. It's in Deepdale in Preston. It's not all white. I mean, it's just...

It's not Michael Barrymore, isn't it? I mean, yeah. In both ways. It's not all white racially. It's not all white. If Michael Barrymore was saying it, he'd be like, it's a shithole. I saw some racism.

No. From within the circle? Elderly ones, yeah. Oh, Lord. How many people did you have Christmas with? Oh, no. I saw some racism no from your from within the circle elderly ones yeah oh how many people did you have Christmas with I know it was

I mean in the circle of Christmas not necessarily Christmas day when you go when you go and visit Christmas is like a week long for me it's still Christmas now

I think my sister visited yesterday and I I just mentally that was the end of the presents boxed off this

coming back to work today I've like took the Christmas deccies down. I feel like that is Christmas. Now we're into the New Year's sort of banner, aren't we? New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. Yeah. I don't know, I think it's like Christmas. You know, it's just like, you know, damn, I mean, she was an Indian, you know, and you know, you know what they're like.

That kind of shit. You've learned to like smooth the edges down, but you still see the visceral hatred behind the eyes no no it's we've got a younger

demographic now or because I'm 10 years older than you it's me by the way talking to my granddad I'm saying them oh right

oh no I didn't suffer any racism because you weren't part of my Christmas yeah my Christmas was racism and homophobia because I didn't see you

same because i i'm not either of them things on christmas on christmas eve we um put um put the kids like etta went to bed fucking like hyped and we put all the christmas presents under the tree they'd been in the loft so that because she's young enough that we've got to do the Santa's reel so there's no presents out until she's gone to bed and then she comes down and there's a big reveal I mean Jack

sort of got that it was exciting he's too young to know what's happening so I was the last one up on Christmas Eve can I just stop you there that is actually how I got

the fact that Santa isn't real I was telling my mum when I was a kid because she would always just put the presents under the tree in the build up to Christmas

and it was always like oh yeah Santa those boxes are empty don't touch them and Santa comes down on Christmas Eve and he he puts the presents in the boxes and uh yeah and one time I just went and just picked it up and it was obviously fucking that's heavy PlayStation and I was like mum these have got stuff in oh there's a few Christmases where I um I was a bit older and I was like, mum, these have got stuff in. Oh, there's a few Christmases where I was a bit older and this was like maybe when we were about 12, 13, 14 where I got really good. Mum used this like sellotape that sort of, it was almost like a bit softer than normal sellotape

and you could, if you were so careful, I just took like my Game Gear games out and had a little play and then put them back in and completely ruined the excitement of Christmas. all right i filed me christmas presents once before she wrapped them that's the worst christmas ever yeah it's not it's not good so we're trying i think we've got maybe another christmas before etta goes yeah this is bullshit she's already starting have you blamed them for it yeah she well we got it we got to avoid like my sister did this a few years ago with my with my niece

she was like constantly like if you do wrong santa is going to do this santa will watch you'll get no presents she just went a bit heavy with it and uh emilia my niece was shit scared of santa she thought he was like this weird like you know like catholics are to god very judgmental sort of like guilt thing she got a bit too scared of him so we've all we've learned from that and like my sister's not doing that as much so i don't do it loads i wanted to be excited about it but laura's right you've got to get the presents down without her ever seeing them because you she walked in and it was a real like what the fuck moment and and we had a little plate with a carrot and a mince pie so we took a couple of bites out of the carrot uh my

brother-in-law smashed the mince pies so that looked like it'd been attacked great and then because we're getting a log burner in in our like um what would you call it in the fireplace we've just had it like uh with the the chimney we've had a temporary block thing in which is like a little it's like a balloon that you, like a plastic balloon that you stick in the chimney. You blow it up with the little thing, you close the valve and it blocks off the chimney from draft or so. And about a month ago, I noticed that it deflated a little bit and the sort of valve was hanging down. It's been one of those things that I'm like, I need to just sort that out again. And I, just before I went to bed on Christmas Eve, I was was like if I was a kid and you

were like yes Santa came down the chimney and put all the presents there I'd be like yeah but why is that valve thing there from that thing that dad stuck up there it's in exactly the same place I was like I'm going to just add to the magic of it and I'll pull it out I'll deflate it a little bit pull it out there'll be a bit of soot and i'll put it on the side and i'll go bloody hell santa's come down and knock my you know the chimney thing down so i deflated it pulled it i've never seen so much fucking soot and shit fall out oh my god it like i pulled it i was like instantly i just dislodged it so much shit came down i was like i've made a terrible mistake but i was like i've got to do it properly now we haven't moved this thing for a year and a half i pulled it a fucking ton of stuff came down i was like okay and then i couldn't clean it up so i was like laura's gonna be fucking fuming it was enough that it actually went on the plate with the carrot

so i had to take that take the fucking carrot and I had to clean the plate so it was back. Oh my God, put it down. In the morning, we did the, we did the, what they call stockings

on the bed. And just as I was getting excited, I was like, I've just got to tell you something, Laura. I did pull the chimney block thing out and there is a little bit of soap, but I think it'll be,

it'll be fine. She was like, how much mess have you made? I was like, quite lot but it's i think it's going to be good for believability so we all went downstairs got a coffee for laura yeah we went in the living room etta came in she walked in the first thing she saw was the fucking mess and the thing i went oh santa and she went, oh, Israel. Yes, mate. It was fucking quality.

Then she turned to the present. It was the best. Even Laura. Laura definitely wanted to bollock me. Definitely wanted to bollock me. But because Etta was like, oh, my God, he is real. I was like, yes. We did a quick hoover up.

Oh, fuck. The fear as all that suck came out. Oh, it's brilliant. She had a great Christmas. It might be our last one where she believes. Our fireplace was electric when I was a kid. So I was very inquisitive as a kid. It used to drive me dad fucking mad,

but he also sort of liked it. He seen it as like a sign of intelligence. I would always ask like questions about anything I wasn't sure about. Yeah, it's smart. So when I picked the presents up, my mum was like, that was like years later.

She was like, yeah, look, you can't tell Jack, but it's all bollocks. Do you know what I mean? Adam, Adam, you're fucking four now.

Grow up. It's a load of shite. Santa's not real. And you know what? Neither is Easter Bunny. Fuck you. But obviously, the old adage is that he comes down the chimney. But our chimney wasn't real. shite Santa's not real and you know what neither is Easter Bunny fuck you but obviously the old adage

is that he comes down the chimney but our chimney wasn't real and I knew that when I was like even young because I'd asked

like in the middle of the year and then put two and two together so I'd asked him like let's say it's fucking June about like the chimney

and whatever and I knew I remember it quite well I must have been like, let's say it's fucking June about like the chimney and whatever. And I knew, I remember it quite well. I must've been like five or something, six. I've got like weird little memories from that age of being a kid.

And I was like, I'm thinking about Santa, even though it's the middle of the year. Do you know what I mean? And I'm like, dad, why do you never see anything coming out of our chimney?

And he's like, our chimney's not like, doesn't work. Like it's an, our fireplace is electric. it looked like fire and he was like yeah but doesn't work and i was like all right and that's me just like as a lawyer building the case do you know what i mean i'm literally like set an entrapment for my dad for when december comes and i'm like so santa comes down the chimney and he's like yeah dad for when December comes and I'm like so Santa comes down the chimney

and he's like yeah the chimney's blocked up and that's electric so how's he coming out of that and I remember just seeing my dad

look at my mum and being like he's fucking got us and my mum goes no Santa does try and come down the chimneys but if it's an house

like ours he can't get down so he just comes in the back door so they would leave the back door open on Christmas morning and be like oh he's been and he's left the back door open on Christmas morning and be like

oh he's been and he's left the back door open he's fucking got all these footprints I told you what I was doing with Suntide I didn't let anybody else

I was terrified of him yeah I was like oh this old fella comes in I'm a kip eats all our scran and then bails

and he's magic mum was like yeah I was like not in my house five year old Carl staying up with a gun. No, literally, I was like, I don't want this feather in my house. When I'm in bed, she was like,

oh yeah, it makes sense. I was like, he's not coming in, but I want presents. So my mum bought me a Wendy house and he'd visit that instead. He'd leave me presents in the garden. So I'd go out to the garden. A Wendy house?

Oh, like in the garden. Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. I'd go out. I'd know my presents would be in the Wendy house and I'd bring them all in the house. I'd be like, how cool, he hasn't been in while I've been a k yeah. Right, okay. I go out, I know my presents have been to Wendy's house and I bring them all in the house. I'll be like, how cool, he hasn't been in

while I've been a kid. Right. Switched on me. That's a fucking practical kid. I don't want anyone coming in the property, every DPD, Amazon and fucking Santa, just give a big box there, fucking padlock.

Yeah, see me and Adam are just smart kids. Well, yeah, with the Santa Claus, the movie with Tim Allen, the way they get round it is that because Santa's magical, whatever the size chimney, he squeezes into it. And then even if you haven't got a chimney, as he comes down it, it magically becomes a fireplace.

He delivers a present, goes back up. That's a close. You know, you're right. I can't believe I believe that. Have you blamed him for anything yet? like if she opens it and goes oh this is shite oh Santa you dickhead

no she didn't she was pretty good about being excited with everything that's it shite this fucking shite hang on did he come on the property? I'm speaking to my uncle Carl

it's fucking ballast why are you speaking in a Scouse accent? you know get on me get things done lad get on me get on me it's really good I lads. Get on me. Get on me. It's really good.

I hate that I don't love, I love Christmas, but I hate that I don't get the, the butterflies on Christmas Eve anymore. Obviously, because I'm a good old man. Yeah, but Carl,

it's so, when you've got kids, you sort of see it through their eyes. I, I, before Etta turned up, I used to try and spend Christmas with my, my sister, because she had

kids and then i remember before that when you're just like it's just sometimes we visit a dad or whatever and you just wake up and you're like hungover and no one really gives a fuck and you've given each other a spending thing so much you get a bit of the magic back i know like i was relieved because i'd made a mess but to see etta go oh he's really fucking dead excited so made up you get a bit of the magic back i mean we got we got wallace some presents yeah and was he like oh lad it's real yeah he's running around like he was made up loads of stuff to be fair wallace is pretty happy to just go anywhere though isn't he yeah yeah every time he comes to work he's like fucking hell he's like and then adam's the cutest person ever every time wallace carl's dog turns up adam gets down to his

level i've never seen adam be so cute with anything it's adam rowe you know adam every time he goes such a fucking cutie i like dogs I like dogs mate Do you like dogs? I like dogs I'm gonna get a dog in Oh I like dogs Yeah We got We got a dog

Possibly the worst time Because it's hard to Walk them Train them in the garden Because it's raining It is what it is innit Someone was gonna get him And you were meant to get him

He's a belt It's easier to get them in the summer Because you've got It's easier to I'm gonna get my main Summer holiday out the way And then Yeah Is it that our summer holiday no once mexico when uh like for the last week of june slash the first week in july i'm going to japan for three weeks in august

i haven't told you that yet but i told you no all right cool going to be a... I'm going to Morocco for six months. Six months? I didn't tell you. I was going to tell you. Time to find a wife. I'm going on the moon in October as well. Fuck off. Oh, the moon.

Only for the weekend. Are you doing a tour show there? Yeah, it feels like you should. Only for the weekend. We'd sell tickets on the moon. No, no. I've been pussyfooting around telling you I won't be here

for three weeks sorry in August in August I think I'm this isn't confirmed yet but I might be doing the full run

at the Edinburgh Festival but I'm going to come back for the recording I can't come back just me and you Dan fine that'll sell numbers have gone down Finn just

Finn and Dan just talking about Poirero now i'll do stuff from japan i'll i'll send stuff back you're going for three weeks yeah yeah you can't go for two weeks too short no you can't no it's the law how's your damn ass blast by the way what toilet seat i got you oh yeah it's the best thing that anyone's ever bought me and that's not an exaggeration yeah now when it comes to a very modern, expensive, Japanese, arse-cleaning,

arse-blow-drying toilet, that's a thing I just said at work. When your dad's over for Christmas and your brother's over for Christmas, is there a rule where they're not allowed to have their asshole jet-streaked? No, the opposite.

Everyone who's been in my house, I've told them to go and use it. I keep inviting people round to come and have a shit in mine. He's not even joking. I've been doing the same thing. I keep it. I keep inviting people round to come and have a shit in mine. He's not even joking. I've been doing the same thing. I keep telling people, you've got to come round and have a poo in mine.

Right, so if you're not a patron of Have A Word, what do I go on? Carl got me a toilet seat for Christmas that is essentially a built-in electric bidet and it cleans your arsehole for you. And dries it. And dries it. But it doesn't just clean if it's

lit it licks it it basically feels like it is there's basically a fucking rim jobs like section yeah like i've got rim job rim jobs on demand now and she's not allowed to say no she yeah all right cool cool cool i'm not having a man look at me arsehole is that homophobic i think no that's that's not really is cool. I'm not having a man look at me asshole. Is that homophobic? I think no, that's not really, is it? No, I'm not gay. Yeah. I don't homophobic my asshole.

It's just heterosexual. Yeah, what if you loved it? What if you loved it? Where you're like, oh my God, it is better. Oh, his moustache. I look forward to going for the poo. I do. If I wake up needing a poo now,

like in the past when I've woke up needing a poo, you know when you wake up and you're like, oh, I've got to go for the poo. I do. If I wake up needing a poo now, like in the past when I've woke up needing a poo, you know when you'd like wake up and you're like, oh, I've got to go to the fucking toilet. I wake up now and I go, I've got to go to the, oh, hey, hey, poo time. The toilet seat is 39 degrees, as is the water.

So now you've got IBS and you enjoy shitting. Yeah. That's a dangerous combo, isn't it? It's a wonderful combo. It's changed me life. I told you. I cannot explain to you explain i'm so happy someone else knows how good it is right so it does change i'm not trying to ruin things but of all the

people you know yeah you uh have got a career a social life or on the road do you know anyone that's in their house less than adam rowe probably not no right so you've given adam the best anal experience not sorry i'm gonna reword that you've given adam has now got the holy grail of toilet seats and you are going to spend most of your time shitting in just bog standard fucking toilets well here's the thing uh i am a man who has been known in the past as has been admitted on this many a time if I need to poo I'm pooing and that includes while I'm out shopping

you know what I mean Marks and Spencer's in town has been my regular poo station for years correct yeah we know that yeah or the Liverpool one ones

whatever I'm closest to the other day I was out shopping and I went home for a poo I've changed his life well I hope you enjoy the preview in Leeds because it's going to be

a big interval when Adam drives an hour and 15 minutes back to have a shit in his £1,000 toilet. Oh, thank you to everyone who's bought tickets, by the way, to all me work-in-progress shows of my new special, Juicy, because they are all sold out. And these are venues that I was doing on the tour just gone

and the tour before was struggling to sell these venues out. Like Leeds is 250 seats and it's sold out in like 10 hours. And it's for a work in progress show on a Tuesday in January on a week's notice. Yeah. And to everyone else who's like,

oh, why don't you come to Newcastle with this or fucking Timbuktu or whatever. I am going to be announcing a full proper tour very very soon for the end of 2023 going into the first part of 2024

and I probably will be coming near where you live with that because I'm going these are previews aren't they these are previews so they've got to be

a bit more local the tour's a bit more these are previews for a show that is about to be filmed because I just want this show filmed and done and over are there any tickets left

for the Glasgow weekend? No, they sold out like literally immediately. Like there isn't, you can't get a ticket now unless someone gets it on resale or someone needs to sell theirs. There isn't a ticket left to see a performance of this show, but it's been filmed on

the 14th and 15th of January and I'm going to get Will to edit it as soon as possible. I would like that to go out because this will be announced properly. I'm trying to get my special to go out on the 11th of January from the Philharmonic. If Will's back in time, we get that sorted. I think yours is going to go out a few weeks after that,

isn't it? That's the plan. End of January. So whatever the gap is between mine and yours, I think I'll do the same gap again and then i'll release juicy got some content if you want to come to chester and watch some comedy saturday the 14th of january the comedians club chester i will be emceeing mick ferry is closing bobby mayor is opening hayley ellis is in the middle in my lovely church in chester a month after adam rowowe was there and it sold out fucking quick

so come and have a non-boozy one or come and get shit-faced with us January the 14th comediansclubchester.com shall we have an intervalle

let's go for some dinner we're going to Bacardo yes alright everyone we've got some exciting news take 47 I'm trying to give it to you

we've been nominated for a national comedy award we've been nominated for a lot Comedy Award. We've been nominated for a lot of awards before. And won them. Because of you guys. But we've got a nomination for Best Podcast

in the National Comedy Awards. On Channel 4. The Channel 4 National Comedy Awards on Channel 4 in aid of Stand Up To Cancer, actually, just so you know. Get the lids on Channel 4. We really want to win this one.

We need your support. We really do. The biggest podcast in the country with dead famous superstar hosts and all that they've all been nominated as well so the only way we've got a chance of winning this is if we use the fact that our fan base are the most engaged on the fucking planet do you know what i mean and we've got peter the other way snake here peter where should they go to vote for have a word go to vote have a word.com that's vote have a word.com that is's VoteHaveAWord.com.

That is an address we've set up. It'll just send you straight to the website. You can vote in as many categories as you want. But here's the really important thing. Once you've voted, it will send a link to your email address to verify your email. Until you've verified your email, your vote will not count. And also, I would encourage you to set up several fake email accounts

and vote as many times as you can. Let's corrupt our way to the top. No, don't do that. But get your nana. She loves emailing. I know your nan. She loves verifying emails. Get her to vote.

Your dad, your mum, everybody. Pat next door. Let's win this National Comedy Awards. Even if your next door neighbour's not called, Pat, still ask them. If we win, I will name every famous paedophile with a super injunction. If we don't win, I'll bite some children. Wow. There you go.

We've got to win now. Votehaveaword.com. Send that link to as many people as you can. Vote in as many categories as you want, but make sure you vote for Have A Word. When it gets to the final page, make sure you're telling us exact... Make sure you've clicked the right one. Make sure all your your votes especially the one

for best podcast for have a word is correct and then make sure you verify your email that's how we win we're going to win this we're going to win it

I feel really good did he say Tony Yeboah apparently I'm not I can't we've not won yet we've not won yet votehaveaword.com

I think I'm going to start wearing boots more thanks for telling us we have some just getting into boots

just getting into boots I just think you know I'm going to be 31 in a couple of weeks and I think I need to you need to move to the south of Liverpool as well

I need to move to the south of Liverpool as well I need to move to the south of Liverpool and I also I just need to switch up my shoe game a bit I've got an exceptional selection of trainers and sneakers

Sinem Sinem been round your place now impressive room of shoes wall of shoes if I'm being honest yeah

but I need to add some boots some loafers some oxfords when I saw your wall of shoes it was mainly trainers, I was like, grow the fuck up, is what I thought.

I just need more variety in my life. I think I need some more sweaters as well. Cardigans. And grow that big vagina that's coming as well. I'm going sober for January wearing boots and sweaters. What's wrong with that? So me and Seneca said we're going to start a new hobby together every Sunday.

Yeah. We need to try and guess what it is. Church. Nope. Jigsaws. Nope. Satanic rituals.

Nope. We're going to start ice skating lessons. Circle jerks. No, I'm not ready to stop guessing. Circle jerks. Is it ice skating lessons?

It's ice skating lessons. Wanking off bin men. You can't do that on the sun. Oh, sorry. Ice skating. Ice skating lessons. Right, why? Seneca loves ice skating lessons? It's ice skating lessons. Wanking off bin men. You can't do that on the sl- Oh, sorry. Ice skating. Ice skating lessons. Right, why? Seneca loves ice skating.

You'll do anything she tells you on you. You are, like, properly under the ice skate. She's not telling me. She went, do you want to start ice skating? I'm going to start. I was like, yeah, why not? She really told me. Yeah, she kind of did, didn't she?

No. She asked everyone to start with her. I think you should make a proviso That you've got to be able to Wank off bin men though In ice skates I don't want to do that No that's so stupid What are you going to do

If you get like really good at it What's the plan What's the point What do you mean What do you mean What's the point What's the point He's not going to the Olympics

That's not why you do everything is it That's not why you do everything That's why you do ice skating Where are you going with it Is it going to be a career otherwise it's pointless no but what's the goal just to learn a new skill to do what with it though so why skate you're gonna dance or you're just skating is it is it for a mode of transport or to show off it's exercise yes fun no it's a mode of transport because he's bored of driving so he's going to ice skate in yeah good thinking one day a year

I can do that and it's icy the icing is coming I don't know it's just something new isn't it something different I think it's fucking stupid

I'm really disappointed in you what are you going to start doing wearing sweaters my mind's maybe in my hands don't know why because you love mugs and you you're a mug I would like some from a cup reminds me of being at Minans. I don't know why. Because you love mugs.

I would like some... I want some new projects to take on in the new year. Do you want to finish these ones first? What ones? The ones that we've got, you know, a business around. Honestly, it's like having an aspirational special needs mate, isn't it?

I want to be a spaceman. You're like't it? I want to be a spaceman. You're like, I don't want to be a spaceman. I, but it wouldn't be surprising if that was the next thing. Boots, sweaters, spaceman.

Hi Jack Finnegan. Well, enjoy your ice skating. We want full reports. Are you still climbing? Cause you were doing that for a while, weren't you? I've stopped climbing.

I completed it the kid who works there actually went can you stop coming because people are getting embarrassed yeah and he was like

what are you doing climbing for mode of transport yeah he thought I was going to start the Olympics no but climbing is a legitimate skill isn't it

you could get stuck in pedal and need to climb yeah you could it's very unlikely you get stuck anywhere where he can ice skate his way out of danger yeah living in high ten the spanish court um yeah i want i i want to start some new projects i think do you know um your news resolution should just be you're gonna to have loads of New Year's resolutions

that's that's what that's not a resolution isn't it it's a goal it's a target yeah it's a bullseye

that I'm aiming for with the darts of life I'd love someone to please someone go back and find Adam's inevitable last year's New Year's resolutions and let's see how they went

and his New Year's revolutions as well yeah I think last year's New Year's revolutions as well. I think last year's New Year's resolutions were hampered somewhat by the traumatic January that I had. He couldn't ice skate and it was frosty. One nil, Carl. Can't remember, it's boring.

I do want to read more this year. Oh, fuck. I do? I'm not going to set myself unrealistic targets like two or three books this year. I want to get boots reading. Interesting. You're turning into South Liverpool,

you're reading books and getting boots made. The coat will be next. Look, I bought a pair of boots last week and I really liked them. They're comfy and they make me tall. What? Like a big rabbit. How built up? Are they high heels?

Are they heel boots? No they just They just give you a bit of a You just feel tall You're not actually tall I feel like 5'11 in them Adam's next year's resolution

I'm going to wear stilettos I feel tall And horny Finn have you got any New Year news resolutions? Apart from smoke weed every day. I'd like to learn how to knit. You're on a boat.

What is going on on this podcast? Sweaters, ice skating and knitting. Knit me a sweater. I promise I'll wear it while I'm reading. I'll wear the ice skating. Mate. Waller. I'm eating more pussy.

Someone write it down. That's mine. I'm going to pussy Someone write it down That's mine I'm gonna fuck Some pussy Because someone's Going to take up The mantle of what This podcast is meant to be For Loki

Do you know how much Pussy you're going to Run your eyes through Listen Listen Listen Here's what I want for the year I want to travel a lot

Right I'm going to do quite a lot of travel this year I've got stuff booked And there's more to come Yeah In September I'm doing some European stand-up shows Oh

Okay good In a sweater So that'll help Heels for that Are you going to wear heels No In Europe Boots

Okay good I'm a boot man now Europe's a very booty place They call me Rowie 2 boots now. Italy. Rowie boots. I'm not Rowie bags anymore. I'm Rowie boots.

Yeah. Because I'm frugal and I wear boots. Rowie boots. And you love knowledge and you're reading. And car boot sales. You love car boot sales. I want to read four books this year. You're not going to.

Four books this year. That's a realistic target, aren't it? No. Not for you. Why? Because you're remedial. You're not going to even open a book.

I'll read and find those. My news resolution is to hear less of Adam's aspirations. I feel like he's fucking careers guidance counsellor.

And are you good with, you know, your hands? I've got two stand-up specials going out. That's going to be a lot of content.

And I think I might need a side podcast. The Ro Show. Right. Something like that. We could do ours. Yeah. stand-up specials going out that's going to be a lot of content and I think I might need a side podcast the row show right something like that we could do ours yeah could do mine and yours

if you want that world cup preview would go well now I think that other side podcast that you were there for doing that you got artwork

made up for yeah do you want to get that one going or is that gone I think we start that in time for the new premier league season

yeah right cool yeah and then the row show yeah I'll that in time for the new Premier League season, yeah. Right, cool. Yeah. And then the Rose Show. Yeah. I'll be in Japan for that,

but you know, you can do it yourself. So talk me through the Rose Show. It's just all about me. Right. So it's 75% to have a word. Maybe 80. People writing in

why are you so good I don't know why I am so good first question that I definitely didn't make up you're fucking great Adam read more books

I will thank you sign up at patreon.com you get a signed book shit I've been given books why have not read gotta sign me own book

signing of John Grisham from Adam I am a cunt good luck with this I've not read I've got to sign my own book she's signing a John Grisham from Adam I am a cunt good luck with this first ten pages you are going to laugh at this one

first ten pages took ages I am going to start writing the skeletons of my autobiography I need a break I'm out

just give me two minutes I believe you You got a title You got a title Sorry I'm a graffiti Working title is pride I'm out

I'm out again I need a break Walk it up Dan Walk it up Is there a subheading Or is it just Just go pride One man's journey to peace.

You know what he made it? In fucking boots. You get the ghostwriter because you're not doing it. No one can tell my story quite like me. That's true, isn't it? It's autobiographies knitting thing knitting

just always admired it I don't know how it works it's like magic yeah are you going to do it stoned yeah yeah knit one curl one do do do do do

do you know I think I would achieve a lot more of my goals if the people who I love the most the people I work with on this podcast just showed

one ounce of belief in me yep you always just ridicule me and tell me it's not going to happen because it never happens because you talk bollocks but it doesn't happen

because you're telling me it's not going to happen it's a self-fulfilling prophecy it's a yeah it's not self-fulfilling is it if we tell you it's no it is oh great It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a... Yeah. It's not self-fulfilling, is it? If we tell you it's bollocks, you go, oh, great,

it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that you told me it was bollocks, and now I've self-fulfilled it. That's how self-fulfilled prophecies work. You've ruined my prophecy. Can we all pick one achievable resolution, and then this time, make sure we'll look back

and see if you've done it. Like, are you talking about walking in boots and that? I get it. Well, go on talking about walking in boots and that? I get it. Well, go on, what's yours? I said, let's think of one. Are we being genuine?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'd like to get a band together. Adam's new 2023. I want to be in a band. Well, I actually would like to learn drums. I think he means like people who can already play instruments. Drop me a DM if you want to be in my band. There we go.

Oh, you idiot. What? You fucking idiot. What's going to happen? Adam's DMing me. It's a DM full of crabs. Oh, you chose Adam? Yeah, I thought you were going to DM me. Just a load of Indonesian 12-year-old boys.

Yeah, we can do a good band. That's literally it. There's a fit bear that's the picture what's adam doing here he's dm and finn all right then finn that's a good one start a band or i've just had a message here become a band oh he's verified it says it says i want to be in your band straight to the point g Gary Glaser said that. What will your role be in the band? Will you be the lead singer and guitarist?

Or are you going to get someone with a powerful voice like Aretha Franklin? Is that you? Were you Aretha Franklin in that? No. Oh, sorry. I thought you were good. I thought you were good. I'm a percussion man.

No, I think he literally meant that you're going get a rita franklin to be the front person i think i think it would be really progressive if you were the only straight sort of white man in the band can i like yeah so we need a soulful black lady to front yeah the band one of them yeah and it would be Really progressive If you got someone With whatever that disability is I assume that was Two different things That were being said

You know like Aretha Franklin Joanne she puts things Down her way A deaf ghost She's urethra Oh yes Carl's back

Carl's back Woo He's full of Bacaro He's fucking I'm fine Okay that's a good one Dan have you got A genuine Achievable one Don't let's not Oh, my. Woo! He's full of Baccaro. He's fucking... I'm fine. Okay, that's a good one. Dan, have you got a genuine, achievable one?

A goal? It's not a resolution. It's a goal. Don't do tours and stuff. A resolution is like you're going to change something about your life. Like, it needs to be a goal, something you're going to achieve this year. Yeah, I don't want to be the fattest one on the podcast anymore. I don't think you are. I think that's still me.

I just wear it better. That's the biggest negative I've the entire life i am fatter you but i'm so much better than being fat than you it's also when you wear boots with heels you just hold the weight better Yeah that's my That's my aim Cambridge weight plan Yeah I can't go the heartbreak route Because I'm in a very happy loving relationship

Drug route Do you want me to fuck Laura and ruin your marriage I'm happy to help you out Fair play Chat online to Laura Listen babe He looks shit fat Fuck me That's fucking lovely. Fair play. Fair play to him. Chat online to Laura. Listen, babe. Listen. He looks shit fat.

I'm dead good fat. Fuck me. Get your own house. And he'll have to pay for it. Nice one. Okay, so you want to weigh the second least? Or the least? If you've got a target weight, that'd be a good one.

It shouldn't really be about weight, but I could get down to second lightest in the podcast. Okay, so what weight? Second lightest behind Stee. Stee weighs about four stone. I can't. I'd have to get back to the sort of skinny where Deliso Shaponda was like,

if you're African, we think you had AIDS. That's how thin I got that first time. I can't match Stee. Stee is naturally- I don't think you could even match Finn. Easily. He's taller and bigger if i lose the weight what's the target weight if i'm i'm thin at 12 stone do you want to be 12 stone give yourself a little i'm 14 and a half now okay let's say between 12 and 12 and a half get down to that right yeah okay adam i'm still thinking between like oh but

i want a bigger dick I want a So we're gonna have to Your dick does get bigger As you get thinner Does it Yeah Yeah cause you know

Your little fucking Like your little second belly Your mons pubis Yeah That like puffs out You put weight on there I've got a I've got a fat mons

Yeah Mate I'm not even joking Laura's actually said You've got a pudgy mons When you mons Like when you lose weight Off your mons

You get more cock Yeah It's a known fact That goes from your mons Into your cock Wouldn't it be great If you could put weight On your dick

Is that what the mons is The boozer There's a gaff called The mons in Liverpool Go on watch yours A realistic one So who do you want to No I want to know yours first.

I want to start streaming, don't I? Start streaming? Yeah. Your ice skating channel. I tried to do that with a straight face and I couldn't do it straight. Yeah, gaming. I don't know what a target subscriber,

regular, what's a normal shit? What? Two million. Two million subscribers. God, it would be so annoying if you started an ice skating channel that got two million subscribers while we had 50, 60,000 on YouTube.

We'll get Carl on as a desk. We'll get him on as a desk. I'll be a desk. I'd like to speak proper English and use words. I want to be a fully fledged streamer by this time next year. Great, I've got a computer we can sell you. That doesn't work. Finn, you want to...

Start a band. Band, streamer, not fat. No, not fat. You've got to target goal weight. Okay, cool. I've got three and I'm not wavering. I'm having all three. No, you're going to pick one.

It can't be like be able to fly or talk to squirrels. It's got to be like normal shit. Oh, that's the first two. No, I've only got one. Come on, we'll pick one.

Imagine how shit it would be if you could talk to animals but it was just squirrels and they're just boring. Like, yo, where's my nuts? I would like to film at least eight comedy sketches. Oh, I like it. Nice.

I like it. That's good. You can keep that. I want to read four books. No, fuck them off. You're not going to get all of them done because you've got ADHD. You'll do one of them great. Pick one.

Four books. And I want to start a second podcast. And whether that's the Row show or Whistle 40. Can you pick one of them, please? One of the three things? Just pick one, just for us to look back on and be proud of yourself when you've done it. No, all three.

I'll fucking do the one. It's about, I think, the books is the least likely. The books is the least likely one. Yeah. Totally. I'm going to read four books this month. Hang on. Yeah, because he's better at working than he is

he hasn't specified like leisure it can't be the Mr. Men three books Mr. Bump's a classic yeah four books is sound that's a book

every three months that's not ridiculous I can do that no it's not ridiculous it's someone who can't read it's learning to it's very doable can you read a book

in two weeks if you're trying to read it yeah but I didn't even manage They're learning to read. It's very doable. You can read them up in two weeks if you're trying to read them. Yeah, but I didn't even manage a full one this year. And I was trying. Do you want to do sketches? Right. The sketch one's the best one of them.

I reckon you go for that. Have you got ideas? Yeah. I wrote some down. Don't read them out. It's not good. You've got to do the, you've got to let the creative process

you can't do yeah the man who leaves his windows open in the car wash that's funny I'm laughing already I know a good one

it's two men and they've got a ladder they're trying to carry it but one of them keeps swinging it round and then he knocks on the one behind him over it's been done

what? it's been done and he can say like to me and he'd go no to me that's the. It's been done. What? It's been done. And he could say like to me and he'd go, no, to me. The Chocobrothers. I think it was the Mighty Boosh. The Chocobrothers

and the Mighty Boosh. Yeah, they were, yeah. Wouldn't have surprised me. Yeah, yeah. Now we'll look back at this next year. Hello, next year. And we've done all that.

Hello, next year. That's creepy. But we've all, Finn, your band called The Wombles They're sick Smash that That's a good name

Dan you skinny cunt Adam Well done on reading that book Have you got any Have you got any band Band name ideas No we can We can brainstorm it if you want

Is it going to be something like You know Wiggle Munchers Grandad's Catheter What Something bleak Hang on What style of music

Are you going for Are you going like Rap Yeah He's going rap Death metal I was going rap death metal Rap death metal

The thing is The real rap scene Is already like It's just too much Bouncing Northwellian hip hop Can't move for Yeah

Are you going more like Oasis-y indie stuff Well the Song that's coming out In a couple of months Is like quite uh dancey oh it's a bang it's a little indie dance oh there's a banger actually yeah yeah look out for that it was a banger yogurt in a bobble lot

i like it or just yogurt uh if you'd like to suggest band names for finn's super group super have a word pod at gmail.com if you'd like to ask questions if you're a patron you get the like priority questions but have a word pod

at gmail.com for some questions do you want to do some sharks the sharks sharks no that might already be a band

it's a name of a band's album who supported Palutena can't remember the name sorry Can we start the speed round Yeah we've started Benji Edmonds says

Swimming with vampires Ooh They don't swim Exactly Yeah Ooh It's a good name for a band See the merch

Know what I mean Yeah Walking with Go on Seals Vampires Walking with seal Walking with seal not seals Yeah Seals. Vampires. Walking with seal? Walking with seal, not seals.

Yeah, seals in the band. Speed round. Benji Edmonds says, what's your thoughts on Andrew Tate getting arrested in Romania for sex trafficking? I think he's being set up. Yeah, he's a top G. Leave him alone.

Oh, God. And if you could, if you could choose one celebrity... He's being persecuted By the Matrix For exposing All of their Bad work He's the best of us

I hope he gets Bummed to death in prison He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out

He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out

He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out

He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He's out He hasn't been What Adam said then

Was his excuse The Matrix are after me Yeah Can we get this He's gonna blow the lid off This whole thing this year That's his resolution Please can we get this he's gonna blow the lid off this whole thing this year that's his resolution please can we get this fuck knuckle off it off social media he's doing my tits in why does my algorithm think i want to watch andrew tate videos i watch them i watch

them because they're so interesting to watch to watch somebody's i don't know it's a maniacal fucking plan it's mad it's interesting to watch I think I'm not watching it going Yeah you're right Yeah It's like watching Kanye Fucking his head fall off You're watching it Because it's

It is interesting and entertaining at least And he has got a Bugatti Yeah he's got 33 cars Yeah And he's got More cars than me I'm so gutted That he's out of prison

Is that it? They just arrested him And that was it He's rich One night in prison He's not going to prison He's rich Another name for Is that it? They just arrested him and that was it? He's rich. One night in prison. He's not going to prison. He's rich.

Another name for your band there. One night in prison. Oh. That's good. Yeah. Andrew Tate and the Sex Traffickers. That would annoyingly... On Radio 1. That would probably sell some tickets.

If you could choose one celeb to get arrested, who would you choose and for what crime? You have the power crime you have the power you have the power he's dead now to have a celebrity arrested is it Pele for fraud

Pele for fraud David Jason for a shoplifting yeah kids yeah Russell Brand for tax evasion

erm what Finn yeah what celebrity Pierce Morgan for fucking oh no leave him

he's got you by the bollocks for a sex dungeon mate he's got you by the bollocks I'd love it if he had a fucking him and Boris Johnson had got our halves on a kiddie sex dungeon

although I'd love that I'd love that I'd love that I didn't say they'd used it got our halves on it and never used it. Can you go to...

All right, lad, what's happening here? I can't afford this sex dungeon. You're not going to go... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice to do a project with a friend, isn't it? I think the mistake we made was getting the sign that said kiddie sex dungeon. I think that was part of the problem.

I'd go with deck, from Ant and Deck, for Grand Larceny. I don't even know what Grand Larceny is. It's theft, isn't it? How is it? He's been stealing from me. So, Joe, when you... Larceny is stealing, and Grand Larceny is like bank job. When you go on the X-Files, he's like,

what's his accent, Adam? Col 904. Col 904. He's set that number up. That's quite good, isn't it? Because he's a very softly spoken Geordie. Sounds like a Geordie who's nervous to be there. Call 0191-236-785-

I'm Declan Donnelly, mate. That's a Newcastle number? Aye, it's me mum's. Yeah, because what he's done is- He's taken a fiver off everyone. He's set up a telemarketing scheme and he's made millions. Call 0800-312-215 now or donate £5

to the Declan Donnelly Retirement Fund. How way. And no one knows. And he calls it the retirement fund. Because everyone's like, that's such a bad accent,

I can't hear what you're saying. The Declan Donnelly Retirement Fund. I'm part Welsh, part Lebanese. But I live in Bighter Bighter Grove

or I'd take down a big like Stephen Fry for like something horrible why? ruin someone what's Stephen Fry doing for you? no I love Stephen Fry but I'm saying take down

like Attenborough for like kicking dolphins so hang on are we framing them? is that have. So hang on, are we framing them? Have they actually done this or are we framing them? Kicking dolphins. Bad name.

We're going to come up with a few. Just keep a word file open. So we're framing them for this? Oh yeah, you have like an all-powerful, you're allowed to get someone done for any crime. Okay. Yeah. Who do I fucking eat rod stewart sylvan viltord for fucking i like sylvan viltord i've just heard he's ill

um sylvan ill sword more like it is more like that actually oh by the way if you don't know what we're talking about on the most recent patreon episode We did our Annual Deadpool Don't tell them Go and sign up You fucking cheap bastard Sylvain Wilsop was one of mine

And If that comes true That's gonna feel Really uncomfortable Isn't it When you're like Rod Stewart for sexually Assaulting dogs

Rod Stewart Bums dogs Yeah Because it's a good album name That's your first album Matt Healy Oh yeah What Lock him up what a creepy twat sorry carry on who's matt healy do you know uh denise welch from loose women hate him yeah it's

her son and also tim healy's son you know tim healy from i think he, I'm really mad. Does he work for Declan Donnelly? I'm working on a telemarketing scheme. There's a prince. I've met him, hear me. He goes around everywhere on these wheels and his shoes.

And the paint on them is quite a dull finish. I'm done. Nothing but. on them is quite a dull finish. I'm done. Nothing. We need to bring Kobe back. Yeah, I've met him, Healy. He did a gig with me a few years ago. He did a bedtime story, a comedy show. Nice guy. But his son,

Matt Healy, he's the lead singer of the 1975 and he... It's all like this. That's how he sings. But then he's like, I am, my name is Matt. I, I, I, I sing like this.

He sounds like Jack the Ripper, if he was a singer. That stupid old London voice. I hate him. I hate him as well. Give me any song. He sounds like Jack the Ripper. Give me any song and I'll sing it

in the style of Matt Healy fly me to the moon fly me to the moon let me play at my new store oh yeah I want him dead as well now

I would frame him for pissing on the Mona Lisa pissing on the Mona Lisa nobody saw I'll just use a ita chasing framing talk me through the framing of matt healy you just you've you've got in the queue for the mona lisa matt healy's next year i invite him and you've got your dick out but it's so big it looks like it's his dick and you piss on the mona lisa no answer that too go right i'd send them an invite in the mail not the news the daily post

the daily post I would send them a letter and I'd be like Matt Matt Healy's always in the classified what's this an invitation to the Louv with Adam Rowe I'm there be like listen Matt lad news for you

as you've seen Extinction Rebellion and Just Stop Oil keep fucking wazzing a load of soup over all these paintings. So what we're doing is we're giving paintings away to famous, sound people like you. So look after them, because you've got better security in yours. Have you just rang his mobile and started the conversation? Because Matt Healy's got better security than the Louvre.

Apparently. All right, cool. No one's throwing soup on him ipso facto fact vis a vis aka knowledge

so I'd be like we need you to come down the Louvre get a photograph in front of the Mona Lisa and we'll then we'll give you it and then I'd get him to pose for the photograph

and be like, now just turn and face it and just hold your hands here. And he wouldn't even question it. He's just like, oh yeah, because I've got a cock. I'm like, this is an idiot. This seems real. I'm going to own this shortly. Fucking scouts are in the North Face trackie.

Now hold your dick. You can have this in a bit. And then I'd be like, yeah, now I just pose like that and then I'd Photoshop his cock in. Personally.

Right. And then what? What happens? What? You just send it to him. What happens? The police. And what do they do?

Arrest him for pissing on the Mona Lisa. I'm sorry, how long did you get in jail? You'd get years for that. For pissing on the Mona Lisa. I'm sorry, how long did he get in jail? You'd get years for that. For pissing on the Mona Lisa? Actually on the painting. Oh, you've took down the barriers as well?

Yeah. No, he's just aimed it, you know, at primary school when he's like stood back and said, piss in the... Yeah. Yeah. Oh, goodbye Matt Healy. Would be a weird phone call, wouldn't it, lads?

Meet me at the Louvre. He's been like fucking fingering his fans on stage and all that right do you think he could get arrested for that though because all his fans are next them on stage don't even have seen it yeah he gets to the creepiest one he asks he he gets he goes like with babe once a neck then and like all the girls like me fucking tongue punch me fart box but then he asks them for ID because they're all

dead young and he like checks their IDs biting their IDs and everything making sure they're real and he's like right yes you're 17

and then he necks them he sounds like a showman this guy he sounds like a fucking gobshite I hope he dies he's in the dead pool now under 60

he's proper like fucking tongue in the fuck I like these 16 year old girls what's your thoughts on the 1975 Overrated shite Oh really His impression wasn't that far away

That one's a fucking banger Can't lie No Sounds like the Arctic Monkeys but like the southern branch Oh yeah it is It kind of is But yeah he's like Doing horrible stuff on stage The Southern Branch. Yeah, it kind of is. Fuck off. But yeah, he's like doing horrible stuff on stage.

It's just so creepy. And there's... Look, women love it. It's weird. It's fucking crazy. It's women's fault. It's women. They enable it.

They do. He gave a girl her first kiss the other day after checking her ID. And it was on the bumhole. Is it... Can I see the ID for your bummel genuinely

he checks IDs before he snogs people this can't be real I've seen the picture on Twitter but I didn't click on it because I didn't care it can't be

check it out checks a fan ID the 1975's he bites the ID right let me read it the 1975's he bites the ID right let me read it the 1975's Matt Healy checks a female fan's ID

after she waved a sign in the crowd asking him to be her first kiss oh god he's gone for it there hasn't he security guard watching

right what you can't see is you can't see his right hand it's up her arse so he's playing it like Peter the Snake I'm just going to play

devil's advocate. Was that the only time he had it? No. He's been getting people on stage. That was the first time he's gone into the crowd. He does lineups. Right, well, it's 2022, and you've got to be more representative, haven't you?

So if I go to a 1975, the 1975, with a sign going, I've never been fingered in the bum hole by Matt Healy I'm gonna be like you have the ID 42 nearly I'm 41

I have three quarters finger right in my arse prison because but then you're framing him because then you take your skin suit off and you're actually

underage and the police get him well done Dan smashed it so I take my skin suit off and I'm underage yeah that's gonna be the tricky bit innit that's up to you Dan alright okay and the police get him. Well done, Dan. Smashed it. So I take my skin suit off and I'm underage. Yeah. That's going to be

the tricky bit, isn't it? That's up to you, Dan. All right, okay. I work on that. I work on that. Speed round. Matt Lambert says, wag waglets,

question for Adam this, what are the three toilets, people's toilets, places toilet, brands of toilet, that you would like to obliterate with anonymous IBS special? Mucho amor, Matthew Lambert. Brand of toilet. What would like to obliterate with an anonymous IBS special. Mucho amor,

Matthew Lambert. Brand of toilet? What? So you get... Wait, wait, wait. Just fucking listen to these questions. I did listen to them. They made no sense.

What are the three toilets that you would like to obliterate with an anonymous... You can pick any three toilets in the world to do an Adam special. Oh, Buckingham Palace. Yeah. The one that the Queen used to use

or the King's one but I'm not flushing erm yeah have a smell of that Charles you make the swath erm get arrested on the way out

the White House call it the shite house after I've been brown house erm and then the en suite of Melinda Messenger

Melinda Messenger? it's the three powerhouses of the world it's like Al-Qaeda we hit the White House, Buckingham Palace that's the Illuminati sorted Buckingham Palace, the White House Melinda Messenger's flat if you know you fucking know

it's like the penthouse isn't she pentagon Sam Lee says hey up lads I remember from back in the day a group of lads played a game of poker in Vegas

and the loser had to get breast implants if you could all pick a game that gives you the best chance of winning against a random member of the Havre team picked out of a hat, what game are you picking? Table tennis.

Yeah. If you got Steve, though, it'd be, are you shellacking, Steve? I've just become a centurion against Steve. He's won 100 games. Steve's pervious. You'd be tits. Steve's,

Steve and Carla are a similar ability. But I'm better than Stay. Maybe marginally. No, I am. I've won more games. It's a literal barometer of being better. What, um, what sport, what game are you picking?

Ice skating. Can I make the game up? What? Can I invent the game? First one to be called Carl Regler wins. No, like a mastermind about holidays I've been on. No, no, that's too esoteric. That's the way I learned this year.

I'm going for SingStar. Do you remember the game on the PlayStation? I'll beat you is all it's saying. You can't sing. I'd go Big Buck Hunter. You are freakishly good at that. Can I just say, I apologise. I thought the arcade games would be really cool

looking in the lobby of the podcast. And I think they do look cool. But I genuinely thought more people would have a play on them. No one, apart from Will for about 10 minutes, has touched either. I honestly thought... I've had a couple of those a bit, Buck.

I'm just not very good at it, so I don't play anymore. All right, cool. Hide the sausage. The table tennis table has been great value. I'd go Big Buck Hunter. I'd go football. A game of football?

Yeah. Right. One-on-one? Yeah. One-on-one? Knockouts. What? Taunt me through

one-on-one knockouts? So there's a goalie and it's you against, say, Finn. Yeah. Oh, like... Oh, right, yeah. Finn can't win a goal

because he's better than everyone. Right. Yeah. I should have got say Finn yeah oh like oh right yeah I think I'll be in goal because he's better in goal than everyone right yeah I should have got you a goalkeeper gloves for Christmas ooh I don't really play anymore oh no

I've hung up the gloves by the way if anyone was looking because I'd like to play football more so next year 2023 add it to the list

add it to the list I'd like a new knee if anyone wants to you know splash out list. I'd like a new knee. Depending on Monster, you know, splash out. Just put a little sprinkle there. A turkey knee? Yeah. Sounds like a little lunch then,

doesn't it, before Christmas? What happened to turkey knee? From the breast? I'll have the knee. Turkeys have knees. Do they have legs? Yeah. But do they have knees?

Oh yeah, turkeys have knees. I don't know. If you've got legs, you've got knees. That's not true. Dogs don't have knees. Yeah. But do they have knees? Oh, yeah. Turkeys have knees. If you've got legs, you've got knees. That's not true. Dogs don't have knees. Yeah, they do. No, they don't. They have two.

No, they don't. What do they have? They have bendy bits. Their knees bend the opposite way, but they do have knees. Suck my fucking balls. He wants a forward knee, though. Couldn't get a turkey knee. He'd be walking backwards all the time. No, because I've still got my other knee.

I'd be just going in circles. He'd have to get both knees done. Couldn't have one turkey knee and one Adam Rowney. What are we saying here? Speed round. I'll see you later. George J says, I've got some personalised would-you-rathers.

Hello, you cunts. Love the pod. Still not quite caught up today as a late comer so I hope to come across this being read out in the near future here are some

individual would you rathers for each of you sorry if anyone has quit or died in between where I am in the most recent episode Steve's dead so

I was asking Steve yeah he's just dead Adam would you rather sign for Liverpool Football Club as you are now for one season, guaranteed game time, or do strictly and win? Do strictly and win.

Better his career, doesn't it? Yeah. Because I'm guaranteed game time, so am I guaranteed to start every game? Respectfully, if you get signed by liverpool say this is all powerful and you do sign for lfc you're not good enough to play for liverpool football club so you'd be a fucking liability says a thousand minutes ago old turkey and it impacts up you'd be one of the most disliked people in Liverpool he's goalkeeper though because you can't play

Premier League standard football as you know because you're the fattest person on the podcast so this big lad holds it Jan Malby was

big boy wasn't he yeah and he was a professional footballer as well yeah but you don't know Adam isn't yeah I've just never I've never been given

a chance right cool yeah is that why you don't play for Liverpool I think in this kind of Liverpool side if I started every game and I get brought off on the hour mark never i've never been given a chance right cool yeah is that why you don't play for liverpool i think in this current liverpool side if i if i started every game i get brought off on the hour mark ish clop loves a 65 minutes sub don't he like fucking griezmann yeah right i reckon i'm

getting 12 premier league goals cool well that's another aspiration for the strictly no i'd go strictly because like in all seriousness it's going to be tough for me to get into the side if I'm not guaranteed to start every game if people have got a very good squad

and they've just signed Cody Gachpa who plays in my position That's the problem Sorry Jurgen lad I do a lot of gigging on a Saturday I need game time

otherwise I'm going to do hot water Yeah so Strictly and win and I reckon I could win Strictly as well I can fucking move when I need to mate

erm erm well mate that'll win Strictly that move oh yeah bit of this

Strictly's never seen this mate the video of Ishan's dance at the fucking arena show there's me half a beat

because I'm just copying what and at one point Alan just goes oh fuck off I did just copying what and at one point Alan just goes oh fuck off I did just give up she just got halfway through

and I was shut the fuck up da da da da da da go online get your fucking ten up you cunts there's neither partner

that's what they do on Strictly they clap and then da da da da da da da and they go go online get your ten up

you cunts on prime time ITV it would turn into fucking roast battle Da, da, da, da, da. And they go, go on, Len, get your ten up, you cunt. I'm crying inside my TV. It would turn into fucking roast battle when I don't think your waltz was up to much. Go fuck yourself, Len, you dirty cunt. No, that's not Len Goodman. That's Craig Revel Hall. Oh, Craig.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Len's like 100 for you. Len's left. Your middle name's the worst bag of sweets, you soft cunt. He's done it. He's never given me less than a nine ever again after that and he owns the company as well so that'll really hurt he owns revels and all halls i tell you he made this money that's how he's made his money he congested and you know his name sounds like a shit wedding menu you you daft swat. Off the bench. Lane Government, 10.

What's Mooty Mabooty? What? The Fruity Tooties. O.T. Mabooty. O.T. Mabooty. She's got some of the biggest medical tits I've ever seen in my life. Oh, they are absolute corkers. All right, stop talking. You know, stop talking strictly can do a lot

for a comedian's career if you do it right yeah it can do a lot of damage as well if you do it wrong it can yeah

it can do you know Len is short for length as well but he was known as back in the day Len's good man he used to poke

that many birds he'd be like oh it's length he's like oh it's a bit bang on I hope the camera is on you for how happy you look with that he's literally looking at me Used to poke that many birds. He'd be like, oh, it's length. He's like, oh, it's a bit bang on. I hope the camera is on you for how happy you look with that. He's literally looking at me and I'm like, I've got one here, lads.

Step back. Step back. I've got this one. Length. Good man. Dan, would you rather grow hair back, but it's the same as your pubes, length, colour, smell, and texture? Length.

Smell. Or have total body baldness shiny smooth with absolutely no hairs uh why would you want the second one what the fuck that's an hard question you can have your pubic head and you shave it if you want finn's got pubed yeah and he looks fucking good with it as well my pubes don't smell They really don't How do you know though? No I mean You can't get your head down there I wash at least once a day

I have like two showers a day most days Who's got smelly pubes? What are you doing down there? Is that a kids game? Some women Which men have got smelly pubes? Your pubes don't smell do they? I played that game at Christmas There's a boxer Who's got smelly pubes? Your pubes don't smell, do they? I played that game at Christmas.

There's a boxer who's got smelly pubes. Who's got smelly pubes? Nana always wins. Mine died this year, Dan. That's why they... Never mind. Sorry. To be honest, though,

that woman had really nice smelling pubes. Did she? Yeah. I don't know. That's what I heard. Yeah. What are you picking the hair one? Carl's like, and move on.

I fuck Carl's now. And smell the pubes while I was doing it. You're a class act. I tell you what, if you could give me the option to have no... No. What do you want? I hate my back hair.

I hate it. Laura's getting her full dolphin pube thing done. No. Your eyebrows are gone with this. No, yeah. You've got no beard either. You look like Matt Lucas. You look like Neo in The Matrix.

I don't want that. But I will look... You look like a Lucas. You look like Neo in The Matrix. I don't want that. You look like a body positive mannequin. You look like a Prestonian Michelin man. Keep coming. Oh my God. You look like an albino Mr. Blobby. You look like Dr. Zoiberg. I genuinely do look like Dr. Zoiberg naked.

You look like MASH. Dr. Zoiberg. I genuinely do look like Dr. Zoiberg naked. You'd look like MASH. And a Johnny. MASH and a Johnny. I will go for pube hairs. Of course you would.

If they came back curly, genuinely, they'd be very light fins. I'd look like that. But my pubes are straight as an arrow. Straight pubes, yeah. Yeah, but not too long. In what direction? Up. Up? Yeah, like outwards.

Like Robbie Williams? Not up. Like gel. Your pubes aren't growing up, you're, what the fuck? Have you got a big headshot cock? What? Finn, I know I'm not- You said they grow out, like up? Like from the skin up? What? Finn, I know I'm not- You said to go out.

Like what? Like from the skin up? Listen, Finn, I know I'm your boss and I'm not meant to say this. Yeah. Can I see your pubes? Yeah, get your mons off. At the end of the record. No, get your mons off now.

No, now. Come on. Now? Just get your mons off. Come on. We won't look at it. Don't look at his pubes. Matthew, do not say in the camera.

No tribunals. No tribunals. No tribunals. Can't do this. No, Matthew, you can't be filming this bit. This is a private pube check. Look at Adam. This is a very...

I want to see them as well. Show me. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Whoa! Oh, I wanted to have a look at that. I've got notes. Were they bollocks or mons? Yeah.

I did not consent to that. That's the end of the podcast It doesn't look like there's any difference It's all just one Oh my god you've got pubes up to your fucking nose You've got your cock out No No

I don't want to see anyone else's pubes today guys There you go I haven't shaved to see anyone else's pubes today guys there you go I haven't shaved for a while anywhere I never shave anywhere else I shave the inside of me legs yeah near me cock

right because otherwise you just end up like with a really bald area and then this looks like it's yeah like the inside of me legs there and I do

I was I get me mansca. And I do. I was. I get me manscaped. Yeah. I do that on me. On me mons. But then I bich me dick. You bich your dick? We're not sponsored by bich, by the way.

Well, I actually gillette me dick. Or Harry's me dick. Whatever I've bought that week. I didn't want to see your pews. I mean, thanks for sharing, but... You see mine later, then. Right, nice one. Finn, would you rather live in Istanbul, Turkey, or Merthyr Tydfil?

In both cases, you cannot go. In all cases... Oh, sorry. Istanbul, Turkey, or Merthyr Tydfil, Wales. Right. So you can choose to live in one of these places. South Wales. South Wales? Like, by the valleys, innit? Is that... where's Merthyr Tydfil South Wales South Wales

like by the valleys isn't it I think Merthyr Tydfil is like by the valleys is it near Abergavenny I'm not sure I don't know myself are you talking about

the Brecon Beacons down there who's Merthyr Tydfil Merthyr Tydfil they used to play in the Merthyr Tydfil used to play in the Vauxhall Conference it's about 23 miles

north of Cardiff oh I know it well Merthyr what's the question would you rather live in Istanbul or Merthyr Tydfil It's about 23 miles north of Cardiff. Oh, I know where we are. Merthyr. What was the question? Would you rather live in Istanbul or Merthyr Tydfil? In both cases, you cannot go further than 10 miles from the town city. Well, you cannot go fucking Istanbul, can you? It's just Pearson got special needs.

Yeah, he's asking questions. Finn? Can I do the pod remotely? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it'd be, yeah. We'll zoom you in. Cool. Finn? Can I do the pod remotely? Oh yeah yeah yeah we'll zoom you in. Cool. All fucking up pubes is gone.

He's right here then. Not bad. Carl would you rather speak every language but only be able to use the equivalent of a toddler's ability or

lose a testicle in an ice skating accident he's put mountain bike in accident but it's feels like it's too too perfect uh so you can speak every language but it's even english yeah but i speak it like a toddler yeah or you can lose or you lose a testicle in an ice skating accident you're taking one bollock down lose a bollock yeah otherwise i'm never gonna get to use any bollocks ever again, am I? No. Yeah, I'm losing a bollock.

All right, cool. One bollock is enough for most women. Yeah. Is that a fact? Yeah. All right, cool. Something to do. For bollocks.

That was 46 minutes of speed round. One more section. Need to do another section. No guests today. Couldn't be arsed. Buck on anyone. Well, it's that gooch. We're in the gooch, aren't we?

Between Christmas and New Year, people have got... Shave the gooch. Using what? Manscaped 4.0. Use code WORD10. If I were you, you get 30% off.

WORD20. WORD20. I wouldn't use WORD10. And you get free worldwide shipping. What a stupid idiot if you haven't got one and that's from a guy with two testicles you only hopes

for the year no you know what I mean no like anything that you can't really actively like do anything

but you just hope happens to you your family or your loved ones or me I hope for the what for the world yeah just stuff you hope happens victory for the ukraine in the euros in the euros in the in the 2023 euros um yeah for

putin to lose and uh my next door neighbour to sell his house, and if that could be in a combined, that'd be fucking brilliant. Russia have lost. Fuck it. I'm selling the house. To Putin because he needs to escape Russia and the next door to you.

But then I get Vladimir Putin. Imagine, though, if Putin was right next door to you and you get on really well. Yeah. Go down the fucking greyhound with Putin. That is 100% a rom- Not a rom-com.

Sick-com. Rom-com. Rom-com. Putin and Dime in the pub. Fall in love with Vladimir Putin after he loses a war with Ukraine. Do you have a voice, Kyle? Go on.

Russian. Do you Russian? I'm in the pub with Dime. Oh, got it. Sounds like George Zach. I can't believe I lost to Ukraine, but now I'm having sex with a 41-year-old comedian, isn't it? He's had to leave his wife,

but he's moved next door with me, Vladimir Putin. That's the BBC three of it. Box. Hopes for the year. I hope. You hoped Messi would win the World Cup. Yeah, I've hoped that for years. I hope Everton go into administration.

Just to put you out of your misery. He's not even hoping Everton turn the season round. I hope, genuinely, if Everton ceased to exist, I would be 80% happier. Genuinely, I wouldn't care if it didn't exist anymore. Football. It's fun. genuinely I wouldn't care I wouldn't care if it didn't exist anymore football it's fun what happens if they go

into administration do you go do you get deducted 20 points or something deduct us all the points I hope I hope the whole place blows up

but no one's hurt no one's hurt imagine if no if I had Michidi and Bill Kenmight I hope they get burns right burns from an explosion that they were in No one's hurt. Imagine if, no, Farad Mishidi and Bill Kenmight, I hope they get burns. Right.

From an explosion that they were in. No, they're nearby. Yeah. No. Fucking El Topo, isn't it?

Ooh, you're burning your arm. No other staff were in the building. I hope Farad Mishidi's wife leaves him. I'm glad that ended softly there. I thought it was going to be

an organ disaster. Because of the burns? Finn, what are your hopes? I hope that Britain is represented by someone really funny at Eurovision. I really want us to do it. We haven't planned enough.

Soon, isn't it? Yeah, but I feel like we could win. I feel like we're letting your ADHD run too much of the company. Just to let you know, guys, in the break, in each break of today's episode, we've come up with about 48 different plans that cannot all be achieved. Nah, they're all good.

We're going to change the world next year. You watch. If you're watching that. Yeah. But we're not going to listen to the Eurovision. This time, there's no need to buy any other songs don't hide away

my baby is and if you're fucking Vladimir Putin I hope Liverpool sign Jude Bellingham but I also hope for world peace but if they don't

if he goes to Real Madrid World War. Invade Spain. Fuck him. Barcelona are joining. They'd be well happy about it. Free Catalonia. Are they like the Northern Ireland of Spain?

No. They're like the Scotland of Scotland did what Scotland wanted to do. No. Yeah, they are. They wanted independence. No. Are they the Palestine of Israel? no are they palestinian of israel aren't they more like no the cornwall of spain like just call more one independence yeah

do you think yeah like liverpool of spain yeah it's a bit more like that i don't think scott i mean scotland independence. When was Catalonia ever an independent country? Scotland was... Has been a country, historically, on its own before it was part of a United Kingdom. I don't know what I'm on about, but I think... Scotland. But, yeah.

I think some of them would be pretty happy for it. So, are we invading? Yeah, so have a word. We'll invade Catalonia. Yeah, nice one. Not Catalonia, though. Because they're sound. I wouldn't mind a World War III,

as long as it didn't affect me. I told you I'm weird with the morbid news. Like watching the news, isn't I? As long as no one dies, but everyone's like fretting each other. World War III, no one dies, and it doesn't affect you. I'd love a World War III.

You know, a few burns. Just, you know, a couple burns. Just, you know, a couple of burns. Do you know when they're all on telly chatting shit and everyone's like, what's his name? Kim Young. Is it? Oh, no, it's John. Kim Young John. Kim Young John. It's the new one. It's Lil' Kim.

Lil' Kim. It's Lil' Kim. I love when they're all chatting shit and he says, fuck it. She's in that isn't she Yeah The line up for Moulin Rouge It's Lil' Kim yeah So is Kim Jong Un

So is Kim Jong Un Lil' Kim Jong Un It's his sister Oh no it's Pink I'd love to see Pink live you know As we hope for this year With Jude Bellingham Google it No, it's Pink. I'd love to see Pink live, you know. There's a lot of hope. With Jude Bellingham. She's definitely live in Europe somewhere.

Pink's fantastic. I think she puts on a hell of a show. Fair the stink of me. Go to Pink twice and we'll do that once. Yeah, we'll go in June. Yeah. Pink in the Stink. Are you taking your nant?

Go on. Let's have a look. Oh my God, she's in June are you taking your nan go on let's have a look oh my god she's actually Bolton she's playing the University of Bolton she's playing the Reebok yeah

get the Reebok born for Sunderland sorry just go up oh god I genuinely thought she was playing the University of Bolton is that what they've called the Reebok Stadium?

Yeah, Reebok. Pink's massive, isn't she? She's doing a fucking stadium tour. She's like five foot seven. She's doing Sunderland. She's not that big. She's doing the Stadium of Life four times. Yeah, she's pretty big.

Two days at Hyde Park. It's only one stand though. Oh, I'm going to Bolton, me. I've played it see pink student union 7th of June am I free

are we in Tenerife no we're in Tenerife aren't we no that's the week after this what this episode

more plans go and see pink we shall be pink go and see the Arctic Monkeys on the 10th of June what a week

that'll be oh get me Finn get me some tickets for pink please I'm going to see the Arctic Monkeys on the 10th of June. What a week that'll be. Oh, get me... Finn, get me some tickets for Pink, please. You carry on doing a podcast while Finn bangs Pink tickets. Podcast? Podcast. 230 quid each? Oh, she's a daft bitch.

Fuck her. Jesus, Carl. 230 pounds to go to Bolton. You can buy half the stadium for that. I'm telling you, I'm getting on, yeah, I'm going to figure that out. Give someone a message.

I'm going to show them things where the price gets pushed up due to demand. That's disgusting, that, by the way. I reckon it's probably worth it. You think about the amount of effort that goes into a pink show. I do always think about that five come out

at the end after what he shans doing it stink tell me right now that that wouldn't improve any show you can watch fucking uh go on

why no what the you can watch like a schindler's List stage show and if they've been all five, I'll be like... That's what you... Imagine that in Amsterdam. Everybody get all the Jews rice. Oh, Jesus Christ.

And there used to be five of them and now there's three. That's a bit on the nose. Get on up. Carl's getting this fucking podcast content. Can we do some advice? That would be so good.

The Schindler's List live. West End. Bring the family. It's a musical. I'm not wrong with a sad musical. I'm not lame as. It ends well.

With five. Jean Valjean is the fifth. Knowledge that he needs. Sharp knowledge. Tanya Hall says I've always liked to I've always liked to Little slap and tickle Emphasis on the slap

But my new fella Isn't into it Any advice On how to get a bloke Into spanking Piss him off Why are you fucking him Start tickling him

Your cock's tiny And your brother's is bigger He'll fucking belt you then. Full assault. That's what she wants though, isn't it? It's not assault if she wants it. What if she just cries? What?

What if she just cries? Well, then you fucked her. Not on you. You move on. I don't know how to fucking turn men on, do I? I'm trying my best here. 2023. Things Adam wants to do.

What are your hopes for 2023? Just learn about men and turning them on. Not because I'm gay, because I love knowledge. Plus, I'm going to a Pink concert. Pink's first album, Misunderstood. Stands the test of time, by the way. Family portrait. In our family portrait, we love pretty. Stands the test of time Family portrait

In our family portrait We love it Dear Mr President I'm on board with this I like Pink What else have we got on that album? Don't let me get me Get the party started on that album

Laura if you want me to slap you during sex Play Pink's first album Get the party started right now Slap the CD case at your fucking hand don't support the team

can't take directions and my socks are never clean why is she a rap house oh she's like a

pill this is my voice like a pill like a pill like a pill my parents hated me I was always

in a fight cause I can't do nothing right every day i fight why are you doing that on purpose can't take the person staring back at me american there you go don't let me get me i don't know me just when you annoy yourself yourself nowhere to say all right don't want to be my friend no more

i want to be somebody else got it so uh tanya play pink and your vag will dry up real quick she's asking to be spanked across the boat across the both? I think he, it sounds like he's just not, he's just a bit vanilla and she, she's into it. What are you laughing at? I've seen with many a woman

who like a slap across the face. No, she won't slap and tickle. You'll tickle someone's face in sex. I love getting my face tickled. Jordan's sex. Yeah, it turns me on a bit. Right, what about slapped? I don't like being slapped. Slap me in the face. A woman once slapped me so hard that I thought she'd burst me in a bit right what about slapped I don't like being slapped slap me in the face

a woman once slapped me so hard that I thought she'd burst me in the drum do you know what I'm saying I think when she says spanking I don't think she means assault I think you've gone to yeah

just fucking blasting in the face no I haven't I haven't slapped her you literally did that what what are you talking about I thought she wanted to fucking slap her

on the old bow face no race mate if you ever meet someone and she goes I want to get into a bit of spanking don't be like fuck off then I thought she wanted to fucking slap her on the old bow face. No. Grace. Mate, if you ever meet someone and she goes, I want to get into a bit of spanking, don't be like, fuck off then. You move me pink CD.

That's for not doing the fucking washing up. How have you gone to slapping in the face? Because that's what the women I've been with who like getting slapped don't want their hand anywhere near their arse. They want it fucking in the gob. Spanking is not the face mate no a bit of a choke

yeah it's got aggressive this hasn't it a lot of women modern women like being choked and slapped in the face consensually

I'm not condoning violence I'm condoning a little sexy fucking woo I thought that's what she was into because that's my lived experience

you don't know me. Slapping tickle. You want to tickle us? She wants him to tickle her bum. I love getting tickled. Tanya, we can't help. I mean, if you want to get knocked out, if you want your jaw broken, we've got answers. But when it comes to spanking, we're not sure.

I haven't said anything. Will you spank me on the arse? Yeah, fucking will you? I've got a fucking kidney. I thought that's what you wanted lad let's sing some pink you're never on your own lad fucking break my

kidneys mate get off from that that's not what I've said at all I've just said I've been with women who like getting belted in the gob

it's not what I said at all I'm just saying belt them in the gob it's not the man who's wrote in it's not what I said at all I'm just saying belt him in the gob it's not the man who's wrote in it's the woman she wants to be slapped

she's asking for it no literally a bit of slap and tickle doesn't instantly go face you've heard you've seen

you've read slap and tickle dead leg or something isn't it slap and tickle is just a bit of bit of roughage I think what we're saying

is spanking. I think spanking is the key word. Any man who's not willing to just slap your arse a little bit isn't worth your time. You can't be from behind

and not slap the arse. Yeah. That's just there, innit? Yeah. That is a really good point. If you don't... If I ever see a bare arse, I'm slapping it.

If I'm within slapping radius. I'm going to stay away from my fridge. If I see a bit of arse, I'm slapping it. If I'm within slapping radius. I want to stay away from my fridge. I'm telling you right now, if I was there, I'd be slapping that arse.

I think when it comes to sex, if you're with a guy who's not into a bit of spankhead, what's it even there for? I think that's what it was designed for. I think God has given the touch. Have you ever walked up behind Lauren's stairs and not slapped her on the arse? There's certain days. I struggle not to do it to people,

and I'm including men, like on an escalator. If there's an arse there, I'm just like, what? Yeah. Yeah. That's why Dese there. I'm just like, what? Yeah. Yeah. That's why Debenhams closed down. Yeah, Tanya, come on, man. I mean, you might be nice.

Get him to Tanya butt. There you go. And that's the end of that one. We've got another one from Lady. Lady. Is that Nicky's wife? Can we just take a moment to consider that this is like our job?

We're not doing this for a laugh. Like, this is how we pay our rent. Utility bills. Mary Lewis says, advice on how to someone's, to ruin someone's life. Wagwan fellas, so I've been dating a guy

for the last four months. It was a long distance as he lived in Devon. I lived in Swansea. Everything was going brilliantly. We taught kids, marriage, buying a house,

et cetera, until I had a message from a girl telling me she had also been in a relationship with him since August. As you can imagine, I was fucking furious. However, it gets worse. One of the two girls messaged me.

Get the phone call from Tarpaulin. Who? Tarpaulin. It's Tarpaulin. Tarpaulin. Hello? Loudspeaker. Loudspeaker. Loudspeaker.

Yeah, you're going to have to call me back later. I'm just in the middle of work at the moment. Is that okay? Thank you. Bye. I wonder why Dan keeps saying turn your phones off. Well, I was hoping it was going to be one of those have you been in a car accident?

And it would have been a really good podcast material, Dan. Okay? Unfortunately, it's Carden Park Spa where I've booked myself in for the spa day in February yeah good luck finding it in Tarpaulay

it's Tarpaulay so everything was going brilliant we talked kids marriage buying a house until I had a message from a girl telling me she had also been in a relationship

with him since August as you can imagine I was fucking furious. However, it gets worse. Another two girls messaged me about him and told me how he's well known around his area for being a serial cheat and for being a gaslighting cunt. Then went on to find out he's been known to go to his local nightclub and try to spike girls' drinks.

I feel like just blocking and deleting this creep isn't enough so need advice on how to ruin his life call the police as he has now ruined me for all men and don't think i will trust a man again i'm willing to i'm willing to go as far as possible maybe not murder though i'm too pretty for jail thanks mary well the spiking thing is uh criminal yeah it's criminal but you can't get someone arrested by ringing the police up and going, I've heard via two messages that someone's been spiking drinks. You can get them on a watch list or something.

Is that how it works? You need to tell someone something. Tell someone something! Tell the bar, go see this fella there, yeah, he's been spiking girls' drinks, don't let him in no more. Bam.

Yeah, but she lives in Swansea and he lives in Devon. Go to Devon. Get the train to Devon. Go to Devon and arrest him. Citizen's arrest because you've heard he's spiking drinks. How could she... How's her scorned ex?

What would be good? Sign him up to a direct debit to Eon. And if he's anything like Carl, it would ruin his life. Put bananas in his tailpipe. Is that us? Put bananas in his tailpipe. His arse. Put bananas in his tailpipe. I've seen Beverly Hills, Carl. I'm not going to fall for no banana in my tailpipe.

Now I know a real one of them. You put cod liver oil tablets in someone's exhaust pipe and over time, it melts, which causes a layer of oil, which causes black smoke. When they take their car to the garage,

the garage will go, there's nothing wrong with your car. But constantly there'll be black smoke coming out the back. And that'll cost them consultation bills. That's what you get for spiking girls' drinks. I'd spike him. I'd get him to Swansea, lure him and say, listen, I miss you, I miss what we had all the sexuality you know i've got a friend here who's into threesomes all the same sexuality and i'd spike

him flag strip him naked and dump him in a primary school closed primary school just in the playground if she's not broken up with him, she holds a lot of cards there. Yeah. I really feel like... If you spiked him, what could you do? Good, guys.

You could book him into Tarpaulin. Stab him. Okay. You just need to set up an entrapment for him don't you so that he does some of his dirty work and he gets arrested

what a full sting yeah form a community group with these other girls yeah the angry birds yeah

the powerpuff girls it's been done yeah hang on has he spiked any of them because then they could be called the powder stuff girls It's been done Yeah Hang on Has he spiked any of them? Because then they could be called The powder stuff girls The dad's already spiked them

With his fingers That's why they went mad innit Carl Stab him Yeah just Drug him and then murder him Oh yeah You said you didn't want to murder him

Cut his dick off Cut his dick off And send it to his mum You raised it you bitch there you go Mary tell tell some authority

tell the police that you think this man is assaulting women like don't tell us because we're going to be dickheads tell the police

it doesn't matter if it's just hearsay pure and simple ring the fucking just tell someone who needs to let them say you're gonna follow them say wherever you go you're gonna be there whatever you do you're not gonna be there pure and simple yeah yeah yeah i'll be there watching you ooh little twist on the end don't put nothing in the bear V's is that their other hit

no it's not it's your rhythm alright erm one more advice did they have any other songs here sir no they followed it

quick and they all joined Corrie one of them came last they had Spike him and leaving him in a primary school do you remember that one it didn't do well it didn't do well

this one's from anonymous i'm 20 and the girl i'm currently in a fling with is a bit of a lady shagger eg she's got with two of my mates i've denied her for about two years now but the other week i crumbled and gave into her constant flirting we've kept seeing each other and i actually quite like her need some advice on whether you reckon it's okay to keep going uh or if her getting with my mates previous and her numbers being hilariously higher than mine means it's probably better to bin it off why would that ever be a problem you've got an experienced cock smuggler she'd be fucking yeah boss in bed yeah but would you see someone who had already been seeing Carl? No, but she hasn't been seeing him.

She's just shagged him. Someone who shagged Carl and Carl wasn't asked. Yeah, go for it. If she's an experienced car handler, you need them in your life. She'll do things to your death. They're only a wizard now. Wow. She's smoking off the injuries.

You wouldn't get her back for six weeks. That sounds like it's a pretty clear fucking go for it stop being and grow up with this numbers thing by the way fuck off no one cares oh you've had sex

with more people than me just sounds like your ego's been bruised mate yeah but that's because you're on too I'm messing about I'm messing about that means I speak from

a better place then no I'm messing about I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care with the whole rugby squad for all I care I'm lucky for you no but I mean like people are like oh you've had sex

with more than fuck off grow up how old are you four would this sort of stuff bother you Finn stab him

single man you meet a girl and she's like listen just gonna put this out there I've been all round real and round Liverpool so just so you know

me numbers are in the hundreds and we play a lot of rugby in Wales yeah when she said this though what at what point after she sat down just so you know me numbers are in the hundreds and we play a lot of rugby in Wales yeah when she said this though what at what point after she sat down

how old is this lady if it's in the hundreds she's 48 no she isn't she's your age she's my age and it's in the hundreds she was born on the same day

and that's what you've bonded over mental we're on the cusp you were both given half a medallion at birth you both you weren't related

you both it's so real forever friends in the maternity ward We're on the cusp. You were both given half a medallion at birth. Even when you weren't related. You're both. It's so real. Forever friends in the maternity ward. I think it would depend on, I don't know. It feels weird to say it, but it would depend on the amount. Because I think if it is like 300, then you'd be like, wow, that's some good going. But she's had a pussy job and it looks good, doesn't it?

Oh, if she's had a pussy job, I'm in. What's the difference between having sex with 300 men and having sex with one man 300 times? Variation in skill and girth. No, but I mean, it's the same. Fucking hell. What? I don't know. What's wrong with that?

I can't ask the question and I have the answer. Just because you've banged around doesn't mean you're fucking exactly flaps are in tatters lads exactly I'm saying that I'm saying that

yeah yeah you can have sex with the same person 300 times and you're no less of a I'm not saying that at all I'm just saying if you do sleep around there will be a variation

in girthing skill some men will have massive dicks and be shit in bed some men will have tiny little wieners but they'll be great in bed and there'll be everything in between I honestly think Carl's right

you've just got to it's not important man doesn't matter she wants you now so you take the most of it or someone else will but I remember being 20 and this is the sort of shit

that I wasn't like I would have thought oh if you bonked Bondi and Sean like it would be on my mind I think when you get older you're like

who gives a fuck but when you're 20 and you're in the same group of mates and everyone knows each other in your town it's the kind of

stuff that does register with you I think you've got to go to your mate who she slept with and all get your dicks out and make sure yours

is the biggest that's an option and then I'd be okay with it yeah or just try and get your numbers up just go on an absolute shag-a-thon no he's fell in love here hasn't he four months

talking about our kids isn't he that was the last one I knew it was as I said it anyway she's been spiking people I think yeah I just spank her it's what she wants tell her please

yeah yeah yeah and where does she live in Istanbul or Merthyr Tydfil I don't know man weird question hang on my bricklayer's on the phone

hello it's no man you're laying a tarpaulin alright that'd be nice bit old school get 20% off erm yeah just get over it man

if she's if she's great she's great innit yeah she wants you now so you make the most of her it's nice innit have words but

you know but Serica it'd be fine if she bonked her whole rugby team I wouldn't have I wouldn't have it wouldn't have been put me off if she'd have gone me numbers you know but Serica it'd be fine if she'd bonked her whole rugby team I wouldn't have it wouldn't have been put me off if she'd have gone

me numbers you know how many's in a rugby team 15 15 I wouldn't have been oh no go away netball

and is that a gangbang or 15 separate dates why would you tell me you had a gangbang because you asked if you had any gangbangs I wouldn't ask first date

all cards on the table I have I won't ask. First date. All cards on the table. I have been on a rugby tour. That's a question for you. What? Let's say Laura left you. Laura's bailed. Nice.

Laura's bailed. Yeah. She has, I don't know, where's she gone? She has gone to... Tarpauli. Krakow. Krakow? Yeah. Krakow.

I call it Krakow. Yeah. Krakow crack i call it krakow yeah you call it tarpaulie she's gone to poland i've gone to i call it poland she went on like to to do like the touristy stuff she went to all the camps and stuff she felt really sad and she thought no i'm gonna stay in poland she's like i could have seen the musical about this. You're on the list, but your daddy's not. How does that happen? What? Is that part of the film?

I can't remember. It's been ages since I've watched it. Plus, it wasn't musical enough for me. I lost interest. So she's staying in Poland. Alexander Hamilton saved the Jews. Is that right? That's insane, isn't it?

Listen, so she's staying in Poland. Yeah. Because while out there, she met a tour guide. A tour guide. Whose great-grandmother was a victim of the... Right. And the Holocaust. She's had enough of this story. I'm glad we've mentioned it so many times.

Right. She fell in love with this story. Tell it again. And she's staying out there, and you've accepted her wishes, right? Yeah. Well, I can't really compete, you know, because my great-grand grandmother was a green grocer

It's not as exciting is it She sold pasta I sort of liked the edge Yeah it wasn't Yeah she was a weed dealer In the 1920s Well people were potting off back then Disco vegetables

If Peaky Blinders has got anything to go by There's fucking loads of cocaine Knocking about as well So you start dating You're on the apps Match eHarmony All the ones

All the what? You're on all the dating apps Match eHarmony For the old people Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Can't go on Bumble can you?

Can I not? No No I'm not I'm too old for Tinder Yeah Tinder's a sex crime If I go on it

No It is Shagmyante. Yeah. Tinder's a sex crime if I go on it. No. It is. Shagmyanti.co.uk. Point is... Go on. We all know. Why do you want to shag your own aunt? Why have you got a website to do it?

Springer? It's a website I've started just to get my auntie laid. Do you like cats when you start seeing a woman yeah mate my head's in Poland

no you're over there now fucking Laura was at Dachau like god he's fit Laura you've not been concentrating

on what he was giving you a tour about you're over that she's long gone mate right I missed that one it was a

beautiful moment beautiful moment she needs to go to a concentration camp because she wasn't concentrating on it was great they deserved that do you know that's what they were called which?

during the war who? doesn't matter still good even if you didn't know guys can we put a veto on the holocaust for today Do you know that's what they were called? Which? During the war. Who? Doesn't matter. Still good, even if you didn't know. Guys, can we put a veto on the Holocaust for today? That's how it ended. We've hit our limit.

That was Christmas Day when they played footy. Hitler was like, can we put a veto on this, please? Christmas Day. So you start seeing some women in that. That's the first World War. Did my head in that And on the On the first date

The woman's like Zan Yeah God that's how I like them to speak Zan She's like Zan Can we put some air I fancy a bit of flap and tickle

I've got a I've got a bit of a past I've You know I've been through many men. Have her tits fallen off? No, she's holding two pint glasses. Can you just, you're ruining my romantic moment with my future wife.

She's trying to bring several packs of crisps back from the bar. Right. I'm already in love. She's like, Dan, I just want to let you know, before this goes any further, because I can feel myself falling in love with you. date yeah fuck my auntie.co.uk really works i've been i've got a bit of a past i want to know do you want to know anything about it or do you want to just live in ignorance and bliss ignorance and bliss yeah yeah um so basically do you want

to know do i do you want to know Do I want Do I want to know your body count What's your name by the way gorgeous John Nathine John Nathine She sounds like a viking

You're fucking I went for I went for a woman's name John shit Athene Jonathan Jonathan Do I want to know your body count John Do you want to know the details of what I've been up to All the All the group sessions I've been up to? All the... Details?

All the group sessions I've had. Oh, I'm gone. Calm down, Jonathan. Also, your crisps are everywhere. Your tits have fallen out. No, I'm gone. Body, like, is it just a body count? What details do you want from a partner?

The full sex autobiography. You don't want to know? Genuinely, I don't even want to know body count. Really? Do you know Laura's? No. All right. No.

You don't need... I don't ever need to hear those stats. Would that bother you? What? If she said, this is X amount, would you care? Yeah, care yeah maybe i would maybe i would but why do you want to know what's the what what number does become a problem 42 000 so 173 you're like no problems yeah um no i i genuinely don't know what i don't think i'm in any position to to judge anyone's promiscuity um but you don't know what, I don't think I'm in any position to judge anyone's promiscuity. But you don't want to know.

But I, if I, the only thing that might set your head off is like, hang on, if I want a serious relationship with someone, are they going to be happy for a bit and then just want to wander? But I don't know. I just don't know what that bit of information does that's positive for a new relationship.

The line is 42,000. I think. Yeah. It's a hell of a day at Ewood Park. How long were you going through the list of clubs? Ewood. I reckon that's about right. I'd say, well, Ewood Park should be like 32.

Ewood's 34,000 is my guess. Dan would say 32. I think it's less. I think it's's 34,000 is my guess. I'm going to say 32. I think it's less. I think it's like 29. It's not 29. It's definitely over 30. I do know this. 31,367.

Your boy knows capacities. 43,000 off the top of your head. St. James's Park is rather high. No. It's more. There's not many. What's good is around that no it's more there's not many what's good it's a way

38 it's a way middle ground Anfield's what 46 is it now no 53 now and it's about to be 61

if there's a list I can do it I google it every time we hit a new milestone yeah if she could fill

let me just let me just go there we go 42,000 is actually 43 boys sorry Yeah, if she could feel... Let me just go for... There we go. 42,000 is... Actually, 43, boys. Sorry. Stamford Bridge.

43, actually, guys. Stamford Bridge. Oh, 42. All right, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Plus, I hate Chelsea fans, so... I'd be fuming. But you don't want to know, and you don't care.

I honestly... Or you don't want to know in case you care. I think that might be it, you know. I just don't want to be that cunt why do i need the information i would honestly i've been obviously i've been with laura for eight years and even to be honest the few years before that not a lot was going on i'd sort of just i was dating a little bit on and off but i wasn't but in my 20s i was a right little rat. And I just, I don't want to be judged particularly for that.

And I wouldn't, I just couldn't be this, I wouldn't want to be the hypocrite that was like, I'm sorry, how many? It's not good, is it? If you're in love with someone and you like them,

if, sorry, if you're in love with someone and you want to have a relationship, I don't give a shit where you've been. Although, I don't know. So if you would ever like had a dinner party you over there laura being like oh yeah i used to suck dick for

quavers you wouldn't be like hey you should have told me about that you'd just be like fine you had a right to keep that seat oh no laura's different set of rules this is all for jonathan hang on is it a quavers body comes yeah if i was at a dinner party with my wife of eight years who's she talking to? She's leaning over. Yeah, Reverend. I used to suck dick for Quavers. Met Dan. He buys the Quavers.

And skips. I'm a lucky lady. I thought you could lose weight. Would you want to know, if you meet someone, and then do you ever do the body count thing? No, because I'm not asked. I think you just don't want...

Whatever they've done in the past doesn't matter, does it? But you don't want to know because in case it's just a bit... It's like when we have Finn Tayden and he's like, you can't shit on your wife. Like, if someone shits on my wife,

that's fine as long as I don't know about it and as long as it happened long before. Oh, hang on. Like, the body count, the actual number Whether you want to know it or not But the details Fucking nah mate

I'm fine I have Laura I went listen Someone shit on my head once Right on me fod Right Over breakfast one day Yeah

Would you go Oh god It's always around meal time with Laura isn't it At a dinner party yeah I used to suck dick for quavers enjoy your rice krispies here's a bit of

information I don't know in the past I'd just like get over it like okay you're a meano yeah but like

what if like she was like oh yeah he's taking her in the arse all the time but I don't like her anymore okay okay there's someone out there

that has bummed your wife and you haven't I just couldn't handle her if someone bummed your wife and you haven't. I just couldn't handle it. If someone's bummed my wife. You know what I mean, though. It feels like if you're in love with someone, you spend the rest of your life with them.

It's weird that she has done something with someone else. Well, I don't know. If she was younger and now she's mature. I don't know. Yeah, put it this way. The wife that you've got in the future, someone's bummed her. Right.

Just a fact. Yeah. Maybe right now your future wife is going to be bummed. As long as I also get to do the bumming. Right now someone's bumming your wife. Yeah. And that's fine. As long as I also get to do the bumming. Yeah. Well someone's bumming your wife. Yeah. And that's fine. As long as I also get to do the bumming. Yeah.

Well, hopefully my wife right now isn't sucking dick for quavers. That's the other point we want to take on. That's such a bleak thing. You never know. Your future wife could be bummed right now on a Thursday afternoon. Friday.

Yeah. She's not a slag. She waits for the weekend at least bumming on a school day bumming's a weekend fucking move I always thought

that job before I bought our house I was like someone's probably having sex in my bedroom like no yeah but someone's probably

bumming your wife probably probably it is a Friday do you ever think about that with hotel rooms I have to that becomes an intrusive thought

that I'm not like that but sometimes if I'm like in a hotel room and my head goes to what has happened in this bed in this room

with some horrible and then I'm like I've got to stop thinking about it never thought of it I've not but I'm going to now Tom Scorda's got a bit about it. Never thought of it. I've not, but I'm going to now. Tom Scorda's got a bit about it.

When he has a wank, he comes on the curtains because he knows he doesn't change those. Anyway, let's call it an episode. Good luck to Adam's future wife, wherever you are, whatever you're doing.

I think we know. And if you fancy some quavers, you know where I'm at. Vote for us votehaveaware.com well we've had it we're going to add it to the start of the episode but just to

reiterate the National Comedy Awards it's massive for us we really want to be nominated there is a lot of big dogs in the pool getting voted for and I would love

it if us from North from Liverpool had to be on channel four just please get sensei Carl in the pool getting voted for and I would love it if us from North from Liverpool had to be on Channel 4 just please get Sensei Carl I'm taking Flares on Channel 4

vote for us so I can say something on Channel 4 that will be taking Flares mate if Channel 4 have to have

sniffer dogs for Flares I'll call our own dogs have they got sniffer dogs sniffer dogs no they probably

don't Carl there you go there you go I There you go. I'm taking quavers. If I get on Channel 4, I'll say something awful. Oh, you're not speaking on Channel 4. I am.

Oh, Carl. I'll take my own fucking radio mic, mate. Oh, Carl. Like, if we win... I'll take my own radio, play my own music. Carl, you're not speaking. I am. I'll call a celebrity out

Adam What? If we win a national Comedy award Yeah Carl can't speak can he? He can Oh no

Thank you Are you doing the acceptance speech? No You pussy out You could leak something I will Brandish some information I will

I'll rustle some feathers Let's call it an episode shall we this this has been an absolute pleasure ladies and gents music

quick song fuck's sake is it is it from a a Dublin based hip hop artist this is from a South Walian metal core band

oh come on Dublin the folk in love the folk in Dublin we didn't get any in I was waiting we've not had any Irish rappers Irish hip hop where are you Come on, Dublin. The fucking love. The fucking Dublin vibes. We didn't get any in. I was waiting. We've not had any Irish rappers.

Irish hip hop, where are you? Come on, bro. Is there any band called Collapse the Void or something? No, not them. This is Collapse the Void. What have I just said? I don't play by your rules. What is? This is a song called

Deity We're mixing it up We're playing some heavier Stuff this week It's been indie for a while Oh we don't mind Mixing it up We don't listen to it

This is only on audio If you've been on YouTube I listen to every song Every week Yeah You've got a playlist Yeah Yep

Love you guys Appreciate you Who wants to come And see a pin, quit me Bye Felicia Children, smarteritten, lost and alone My eyes are bleeding from the constant torment My vision is blind, obscured from the constant doubt Timeless, more than anyone

I can't keep track of my many thoughts I'll try to get into your blood You're not your body I tried, I gave it all What could I do? It's not enough I tried I gave it all I will cover it I let the edge of hell abound for this

The constant agony of joy Well now what Will I ever be like you No more clean, no more lies, no more bullshit One day you will see You are no deity One day you will see You are no deity

One, two, three, four, five You are no deity Humanity Humanity Humanity Humanity You are no deity One day you will see You are no deity One day you will see You are an alternative One day you will see You are an alternative

I tried I gave it all What could I do? It's not enough I tried I gave it all I will come away From

Park You are no deity You are no deity I'm