Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #206 with Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsVote for us in the National Comedy Awards: https://votehaveaword.comFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastFreddy Quinnehttps://twitter.com/freddyquinnehttps://instagram.com/freddyquinneADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? At long last, my stand-up special, Imperious, is going out on the Have A Word podcast YouTube channel on Wednesday, the 11th of January. It's also my birthday. I want you to do me a favour. I want you to watch it. I want you to comment on it. I want you to like the video. I want you to share it on your socials. I want you to put it in all your WhatsApp groups.

I just want as many people as possible to see this stand-up special. I'm very proud of it. It took a long time to edit it. I've paid for it myself. I've produced it myself with the team here at Have A Word. It's a Have A Word production, and it is going out Wednesday, the 11th of January. YouTube.com slash Have A Word pod. Please go and watch it. You can put it on your telly.

It's in full 4K, massive Ultra HD. We've worked our asses off on this. Please do me a favor and go and watch this special. I would really, massive Ultra HD. We've worked our arses off on this. Please do me a favour and go and watch this special. I would really, really appreciate it. And if you like it, spread it round. And do you know what? If you hate it, send it to everyone anyway. I don't care. I just want it to get views, okay? Adam Rowe,

Imperius, 11th of January, youtube.com, slash have a weird pod. Watch it, share it, like it, comment, all of that good stuff. Nice one. Appreciate it, share it, like it, comment, all of that good stuff. Nice one. Appreciate it. Ta-ra. Wag wag lids,

you are listening to the world famous Have a Word podcast. If you love this podcast and you want more of us, you need to get on our Patreon. It's one of the biggest Patreons in the world. We are now the biggest Patreon in the UK. What is Patreon?

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It goes on Patreon first and usually sells out. And this is the big one, the reason we're so far ahead of the game, the monthly specials, the Patreon specials, which include, and it's a hell of a list, the Ghost Hunt 1 and 2, the Roast of Adam and Dan, which is one of the best things I've ever been involved in, the track day, where we crashed a car, blind date, which we did in front of a thousand people

and I dressed up as Cilla Black and kicked a boob into the audience, the food challenge, where we all nearly puked, and the now infamous lockdown lock-ins, where we come in the studio, get absolutely hammered with the boys, with guests. We've done it with Stephen Trice. We've done it with Ishan.

We've done it with Johnny Bongo. Some of the most ludicrous podcasting we have ever done. All of this is available for as little as £3 a month, the price of a fancy coffee. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod it'll be the best money you ever spend this episode is brought to you by manscaped.com the very best in below the belt men's grooming enjoy the episode it's gonna be a belter now i'm in the word NARTS. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha!

Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary.

Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. I've started moisturising. You what? Me cock and me face. Not at the same time. Yeah, you what? Same dollop. Yeah, in what order? Cock then face, actually.

Why are you moisturising your cock? Because apparently, like, you know, some women are more likely to enjoy your cock if it's nice and smooth. What are you moisturising it with? Hang on. What woman... I genuinely Google best moisturiser for your penis.

What woman has got someone's cock out, touched it and then gone, oh no, way too dry. What do you mean, what am I on about? How are you moisturising your cock? What are you on about? You get moisturiser and you rub it all over your cock. Why?

For a moist cock. What? This is a thing. You play for Everton. It is a thing. Moist keen. 10 best moisturiser for penis, 2023. It's on msn.com.

Oh, so it's legit. Scroll, scroll. So I've got number four. The CeraVe. Say you will, say you won't, say you'll moisturise your cock. It's fantastic.

CeraVe. My cock feels great, my face feels better. CeraVe uses CeraVe, but not for a cock. No. It's great. I honestly can't recommend it and Sarah V, but not for a cock. No. It's great. I honestly can't recommend it enough.

What does she use for a cock? WD-40, I think. Wow. Fucking hell. Get a service on that. Check the brakes. Yeah. It's the start of me

taking better care of myself for 2023. Yeah, that's how all health starts with a moisturised cock. You're glowing. You're glowing you're glowing is your cock soft no wow like it is right now yeah you're not turning me on no but i mean like if the touch now is like oh it's smooth yeah you ever moisturize your face i moisturize your face every night so you moisturize your face so my cock feels like your face you don't know what my face

feels like i'm thankful i don't know what your cock feels you know feel your face feel like? You don't know what my face feels like? And thankfully, I don't know what your cock feels like. Feel your face now. What me cock feels like. My T-zone is feeling good. What about your T-zone? Your D-zone? Do you use shower gel on your diggin' bowels? I use it. Dove. Nourishing cream.

Body wash. Dove doesn't dry the skin like normal soap. No, I don't use a bar of Dove. I use... Imagine using a bar of soap on your car. Imperial leather! You end up wanking yourself off. You're a classy old lady. Yeah, I get the standard Dove,

the non-scented Dove, because no one wants their dick smelling like pomegranate. I think that might be too much for a lady. Wow, that is such a moist dick that I've just got out of your pants. Is that pomegranate? No. I don't know what's going on here.

And I very rarely say that. Never question it. Just roll with the moist dick. Yeah, it's just I want to start looking after myself better and my penis. My penis is into its fourth decade now. And, you know.

No, it's into its second decade of use. For fucking, yeah. But I've been pissing since I was a baby. Fact. And that roughens your dick up, of course. Ooh, I pressed the wrong button at the wrong time there. Pissing since I was a baby.

Dan, you should moisturize your cock. What? By the sounds of it, you need to moisturize your cock. Do you know what mama does do? Mama like that. By the sounds of it, you need to moisturize your cock. It sounds like it could catch fire. I'm a dry cock man. I know that now. And I've learned that today.

And also, don't smell a pomegranate. And that's my bad. God, have a word. You should use the top one. You should use number one. Penis growth cream and larger penis. That's 12 inches.

Extra, extra, extra large. Who wants a fucking full Subway in their fucking pussy, mate? Oh, and nobody. Last word, new. So that's nice, isn't it? Nobody. Nobody wants a full Subway in their pussy. 12 inches.

So you're 10 of that. Obviously, you've got to add my two inches. Wait, you'd be a trick by advertising classics up to, means no more than. That's actually still good advertising. Oh, please read the one-star reviews. Go on the one-star reviews. The one-star reviews.

My dick's still tiny. I know stuff like this doesn't actually work, reading the back of the bottle. It says it's lube. So you're just buying some lube. John Barnett says, didn't work. Didn't work. One star, one inch, my dick. Keep going Barnett says, didn't work. Didn't work. One star,

one inch, my dick. Keep going. My other half didn't work. Crap, rubbish. It's wast money. Please don't waste your money,

please. It's a wast money. He works in Dublin Air Force. I've met that guy. Can you go to the five star reviews, please? Waste money. My dick is now massive.

All good. Really effective with zero inconvenience. It's a good product, and it's worth the price. Oh, I love the bots. Great and works very well. Good. Very good. When the five-star get my wife off my dick, she'll think it was great as well.

She's stuck up there. Now, here's a favorite thing. My favorite thing is going to be, go to the three-star reviews. Why do you like a three? Because like, who is giving a three star review to a dick enlargement?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Teaser! One or five minutes. This review is called Man's Best Friend. By Derek A. Jose. And it says, well, let's see.

Now that is not a review, is it? That's a prelude. Does work, but not anywhere near as advertised. My dick's bigger, but it's a prelude. Does work but not anywhere near as advertised. My dick's bigger but it's not big enough.

Though it's too early to know the results on Reiter but it seems like I feel different when I use it. That would find Reiter.

Hey, hey, and this is a little bit harsh. If you've reviewed something on Amazon and written something on Amazon as a review, kill yourself.

But they're also very useful, aren't they? What? They are also useful. Yeah, but what are you doing with your life? I would never do it. Let someone else do that. Who's like, shit, I got this thing from Amazon and I need to tell people about it.

Fuck off. Come on. Can we get you that cream? How much is it? Yeah, 100%. Could also get me some just for men for my stylish 2023 goatee. Oh yeah, the public haven't seen this yet.

It's what they want. Ah, the public has seen it now and going, wow, Dan looks suave. Oh, he looks smooth. Thank you, Alfie. I said it on the podcast, on the Patreon podcast, and I'll say it again. You look like a fucking idiot, and I've lost respect for you.

And that's all I'm going to say. Love you too, boo. Alfie isn't here, by the way, if you don't know, the old listener, that's a new soundboard noise. We've got a new one. One every eight months. Mmm, smooth. That gets my dick moist.

I don't need moisturiser. I've got that sound drop we haven't bought a dildo for ages by the way just put it out there yeah we do need to buy a new dildo I'm sorry we've got

given one is that not enough you have to spend money just accept the free double ended dildo we've only got three dildos in the building if you're new to

have a word and you're like is this what it is it is it is please don't write a review our ratio of dildo to square foot

has gone right through the fucking floor since we've come and we need to we need to match it up anyway Please don't write a review. Our ratio of dildo to square foot has gone right through the fucking floor since Rumcorn. And we need to... We need to match it up. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm starting to have to myself a bit more and I feel like you need to do the same.

Okay, cool. Well, I'm drinking water for the first time since 2005. So I'm giving it a try. One for me, one for my dick. I haven't got moisturiser. I'll just keep it wet. Water's not a lubricant.

We'll try your cock out. That's not a lubricant. Correct. We'll try your cock out. That's why having sex in a swimming pool is not fun. Dangerous, isn't it? Yeah. People get stuck. You start a fire, mate. And the fucking lifeguard hates it.

It's like Kindle. The lifeguard does hate it. Unless you're fucking him and he likes it. That's why most lifeguards go into that line of work. Because they want to get fucked in a pool. Do you want to have small shorts on? Easy access. Yeah. Even from that very high stool. Yeah, they jump on get fucked in a pool. Do you know what a small short's on? Easy access. Yeah.

Even from that very high stool. Yeah, they jump on you. I want to bang you. Well, come up here. No, it's usually in the pool, isn't it? Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, I'm drowning.

I'm drowning. Save me. I need to be resuscitated via my dude. I've never understood why they sit so high. Because then they've got to get down to get into the pool. Surely if they just sit on the edge of the pool they'd be quicker to get into the pool

wouldn't they? Why put a ladder in the way? Because that is just precious time that you're never getting back if someone's drowning. Hang on, it's not a 15 foot ladder is it?

It probably is what's a 15 foot ladder? What? What swimming pool are you going to? They sit basically on the fucking ceiling don't they?

Mate, David Lloyd it's just a three-step, like, little bit of vantage. That's what they're after. Little bit of vantage. No. Is that an old person struggling?

You're thinking of, like, Baywatch. American films, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Why doesn't the tennis umpire just stand behind the players? 15-0. I mean, love. With the fucking YMCA.

You look nothing like Pablo Alonso. They do have, like, umpire's fucking YMCA. You look nothing like Pablo Alonso. They do have umpires assistants behind the players. They literally stand behind them. No, but the umpire stands high to have a vantage point. Yeah.

Same as a lifeguard. But no one's drowning on a tennis court, Carl. He's never going to have to come down and save someone from swimming. So you want lifeguards

and lifeguard assistants? Yeah. You want literally every corner. Hey, over there. Come on. And then also, like the equivalent of ball boys

to be like, oh, fuck your goggles. They're all over me when I've got long skirts on like at Wimbledon, doing all this. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're always like someone's mum, aren't they? What? It's always people who can't possibly have the prime of their life eyesight.

Do you know what I mean? It's always some old cunt going, why are we listening to fucking Roy who's saying that the umpire Roy's a line judge at Wimbledon I bet he's a fucking

bore at every dinner party and Roy's gonna talk about Wimbledon again I remember that time John McEnroe he said it was in

it was well out it was well out it was I remember chatting to Novak that's what I call him. A personal friend. I like to leave it in.

There's definitely no friendship between those cunts and the tennis players. They hate them. What about the little boys who give the towel? Here you go, sir. Would you like a banana?

You'd both be watching Oliver Twist. Please, sir. I only watch Victoria in Wimbledon. That's a Victoria in Wimbledon. Ah! That's a Victorian Wimbledon. Here's a question. No!

I'm already excited. With today's, if you had six weeks of training, right, and the top... Do you naturally work on a school summer

holiday basis? Yeah. That's when I get time off still. Right. 31. Not a single point. Listen to me.

Six weeks of training with the best tennis coach in the world. Can I get extra time to moisturise my dick? Yeah. All right, cool, cool, cool. Seven weeks. And you've got like today's tennis racket and today's like trainees

and today's like what they wear. How far back in history... Today's. Okay, good. How far back in history do you reckon you'd have to go to beat someone who was in the top 100? Tudor England.

Not that far. What are you talking about? You've seen the wooden rackets. They barely could get it over their neck. They look like fucking shit robots. Do you think Dan could beat... I could beat McEnroe. I could beat McEnroe.

Yeah, with a few weeks training. McEnroe would bum your moisturised dick head off no he's got the tennis racket and the fucking clothes and the trainees he had in the 70s

oh let's have a look at John McEnroe's tennis racket he would do you in so badly you wouldn't get you wouldn't have more

than a three shot rally he's one of the best to ever play the game I'd probably ace him every serve so this is what this is what McEnroe was rocking. That's not even a

fucking badminton racket by today's standards. It's shite. I'd fucking smash him everywhere. How big's your racket? Is it like 40 foot

wide? There's my Dunlop one there. Second one. That one. I'd smoke him. I mean racket's bigger.

I can hit more balls. Yeah that's what it is. That's what it is. With McEnroe he was just missing balls. He was like damn. I can hit more balls. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. With McEnroe, he was just missing balls. He was like, damn.

I don't reckon he could go back into any pay. He didn't beat anyone. You fucking add smoke here. He's got no chance. It looks like he's missing that one. I beat Marti. Is it Martina Sellers? Martina Navarato-Lover.

No, Sellers. I beat her. Monica Sellers. She got some sad news this week in Navarato-Lover, didn't she? She got some bad cancer. She's got two cancers. Not that there's loads of great cancer. I didn't mean that. Sellers got stabbed. She got some sad news this week in Avraxel over, didn't she? She got some bad cancer. She's got two cancers. Not that there's loads of great cancer. I didn't mean that.

Sellers got stabbed. She got neck and tick cancer. Monica Sellers is the one that was like very grunty. She got stabbed. She got stabbed? Yeah, Monica Sellers got stabbed in the back. By who? Her sister.

She had the husband. Sounds like a tongue twister. Monica Sellers got stabbed in the back. I think it was Sellers anyway. A lady turned, yeah? Are you thinking about ice skating? Yeah, on court. Ah, fucking shut up.

No, you're not thinking about ice skating. You're just doing it. Right, okay, cool. She did get, oh, that's not nice. Oh, Lord. I beat her. I reckon the 1960s. I'd have a go at it.

No! No, I reckon I'd play pretty well with Monica Sellers just after she'd been stabbed. Then I'd got a chance. I don't reckon you would beat Asafa Powell in a race if you had Timbaland boots on. Yeah, but this is just Adam, isn't it? It's the same, isn't it?

But just Adam thinks he could play Novak Djokovic today. Today he's like Burnley would absolutely maul the 1999 Man United team. Yeah, yeah. No. No. No, they would. No.

No, they fucking wouldn't, guys. You've not gone far enough back there. 1999 Man United would hump. Today's Tottenham would beat United. Maybe not Burnley. Right. But it's still a maybe.

You're talking about one of the best teams that this country's ever produced. In their time. No, historically. They'd get relegated in the Premier League this season. Oh, what a bag of shite. Everton twice. Relegate to Everton twice.

Take two places up and then United. Who do you think... Do you think... Oh, sorry. It's the Wimbledon finals. And Dan Nightingale's got his ringside ticket. Courtside. In my head, that's what your inner monologue sounds like.

We could 100% win this. No. Look at that point. Look at the state of it. Look at this. You wouldn't be able to run to get that. Look at that. What was that?

What was that? Karl, I'm sorry. For those who are listening or watching, anyone, type in Wimbledon Finals 1960 and watch these soft cunts try and play tennis. I'd make them look like fucking idiots, mate. I'm not normally with Adam on this sort of thing.

I'm fully behind this. Finn, you wouldn't beat Adam? Yes, I would. I'm good at tennis. I'm not very good at table tennis. Okay, Adam, you wouldn't beat Adam? Yes, I would. I'm good at tennis. I'm not very good at table tennis. Okay, Adam, you wouldn't beat Finn? Why are you beating Tom Jerry? What is his name? Fred Perry? Tom and Jerry?

Lads, I need to see you play tennis and I need Finn. I've never heard Finn be confident about anything. I was confident before the footy and I proved myself. Oh, Finn's great at football. And tennis was my second sport. I'm probably the greatest tabley and I proved myself. Oh, Finn's great at football. Yeah. And tennis. Tennis was my second sport. I'm probably the greatest table tennis player in my generation.

Of your family. This is just a bigger table, isn't it? It is. Cool. Tennis game. It's on. And you're wearing the kit. Okay.

Right. Dan, you can be the umpire. I was actually really good at tennis in school. Does anyone want to take bets? I'm putting £500 on Finn to win. To beat me? Will anyone take me? To beat me? Yeah. take me? To beat me?

Yeah. £500. Fitness and tennis is 99% of it. Come on, bro. £500 for me to be Finn. Are you only good at tennis? Yeah, he is. I can tell he is.

Oh, yeah? I'm all right, yeah. He'd smoke you. £500. I've not played for a while, but I reckon. You don't forget. You can't even beat the kid in the wheelchair to table tennis. You used to make him more bets.

I will beat him, though. Oh, God. You've all a wheelchair to table tennis. You have to make him more bets. I will beat him, though. Oh, God. You've all seen me play table tennis now. He's got no chance. He's an Olympian. He's a dickhead. He's a Commonwealth Games winner, isn't he? Like Jack, you know what I think, by the way.

Jack Hunter Spivey is a gold medalist table tennis player. Yeah. He will smoke you. He won't. He won't get a point unless I miss the table. Right, cool. Well, let's set that up. £500, I. He will smoke you. He won't. He won't get a point unless I miss the table. Right, cool. Well, let's set that up.

£500, I bet that Finn beats you. Come on. Take the bets right now. We'll go with the vagabonds later. Take it then. Come on. I haven't got £500 worth of confidence to beat Finn.

I beat you. £500 that I beat you. £500. It's on. I feel like that now Dan's a proper Tory probably plays it

every Saturday morning with Judith never call me Judith Keppel Judith Keppel is Dan's tennis partner I've got something

to train for now I'm going to start tennis lessons David Lloyd do tennis lessons I'll give you tennis lessons if you want

and I'll still beat you you give him I'm not a Tory but I will do lessons. David Lloyd, do you tennis lessons? I'll give you tennis lessons if you want and I'll still beat you. You give him lessons. I'm not a chorey but I will do lessons at David Lloyd. Will you enter a doubles competition? Together? Yeah. Fucking. When would he let me ever fucking hit the ball? What? What? What? It's like I'm NordVPN,

haven't I? What? Right, cool. It's on. It's on! When are we playing? In New York City NordVPN advert. What? Right, cool. It's on. It's on! When are we playing? In New York City. When are we playing? Tomorrow.

March. Tomorrow, March. Oh, no, hang on. February. Let's make it work. Six weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll need to sell some tickets.

Let me get me a special out the way. So six, end of Feb. Hang on. Dan, are you going to go? They do do do do. They do do. They do do do do. They do do do do do do do do do

do do do what other sport do you think you could go back and win at anything today's coaching so you think

you could go back but he thinks he like so I get the point of today's teams no no no no I get the point

of today's athlete that's like 30th in the world would maybe but I love it how it's you in your head. No? Yeah, I could. Yeah, because I've got a better racket from Decathlon.

I don't smoke. John McEnroe was having fucking bifters at half-time in the tennis and everything. Half-time. In the tennis. Half-time. Get the bifters out, lad. Fucking hell.

McEnroe smoking ringside in the interval. Did he, huh, man? You used to smoke at half-time? You did? Yeah. Tit. So did Wo smoking ringside in the interval. Did he, huh, man? You used to smoke at half-time? You did? Yeah. Tit. So did Wojciech Szczesny. Just bollocks, innit?

They couldn't fucking compete with me after six weeks training, mate. You don't think he'd compete with Wojciech Szczesny in goal for your vendors? No, he's modern, isn't he? So that's different. Do you reckon you could go back and beat a runner from the 40s?

Because the 99 Champions League winning United team is the olden days. What was the world record for 100 metres in League winning United team is the olden days what was the world record for 100 metres in 1940 do you reckon you could beat Roger

Bannister the first man to do a 4 minute mile no because I can't do a 4 minute mile because you can't do a 4 minute mile now

exactly so yeah but 6 weeks yeah you might be able to do a mile in 6 weeks I'll give you that stop and go on. So the first ever recorded one was 10.8 seconds in 1891.

It's one second slow. How good are these fucking trainees, lads? Nah, they're in fucking... Yeah, but it was fucking measured, wasn't it? It was corruption back then, wasn't it? There was loads of corruption. But it was a guy called Luther Carey. Luther Carey.

Never even heard of him. He was so famous. So good. I reckon that's been buried. Richard Rowe was flying in the fucking... The Germans, mate. Yeah, it's just... Oh, in 1934, pre-Second World War,

they got down to 10.3 seconds. Yeah, but fucking clocks were shit back then. Everything took ages. They broke 10 seconds in 1968. How long do you reckon you could do 100 metres in right now? 11? Minutes. It's absolutely retarded.

No, how long do you reckon it is? I reckon it'd take you 25 seconds. No. That's exaggerating. No. It'd be sub 20. Yeah. Now he's got

moisturised balls. Fucking on there, slidey. He just sits on his balls. I haven't shaved my balls for a while actually, I'm going to do that later.

Hairy moisturised balls. You're not beating any athlete in terms of track and field. You're not. No, I don't think I would. That's not what I've said.

That's not a sport. What sport? I mean, they're all sports. Any sport? That's not a sport. Okay, then what sport? I mean, they're all sports. Any sport? That's not a sport. Running isn't a sport. It's an event. Okay, then.

What about golf? So the Olympics. Golf? Yeah. Easy. They weren't using, like, grenades back then. It was still a golf ball. They were shite.

With the sticks they've got back then. Rod Laver. They basically just fucking took a twig off a tree and was like, right, let's have a go. They were shit. Yeah, they were shit. 10.3 seconds running 100 metres in 1936. They're a fucking took a twig off a tree and was like, right, let's have a go. They were shit. Yeah, they were shit. 10.3 seconds running 100 metres in 1936.

They're fucking idiots. They took a break. They had a bifter. They had fucking elevenses. I'm not saying that I could do anything in an Olympic game. Okay, then. A sport. Google single-person sport.

Let's have a look at this. Let's see what you think you could do. Because obviously team sports. Yeah. He's right. 30, 40 years with technology. Golf. Skateboarding.

Surfing. We're basically using fucking planks back then. Can we also admit that 99 Man United winning, the treble winning team was not the dark ages. No, but they wouldn't finish top four, no. They wouldn't finish top half. It's different. They wouldn't finish top half. Right, it's different. They wouldn't?

Give me a fucking break. They wouldn't. Teddy Sheringham was having cigars at halftime. Give me a fucking break. With that midfield. What midfield? Paul Scholes, one of the most overrated players of all time. Paul Scholes, Roy T, Ryan Gage, David Becker. Shut the fuck up.

I saw Paul Scholes kick a ball against a tree in training. You've got to modernise their sport science. Oh, he scored the four-league in his villa once. Shite.

I thought football was so annoying because you have no beds like that. Paul Scholes! Fucking shite! It's objectively not true, is it?

But this is why football is so irritating because people who know better go yeah it's fucking shite this is just literally not true Paul Scholes isn't in

the top 50 midfielders of all time this is why football and this podcast doesn't work because even I'm not even a Man United fan and I just find

you irritating it's just irritating it's a fucking great midfielder they would get relegated though and then they wouldn't have to play Burnley

because Burnley are going up yeah they play Everton no alright then swimming no

it's not a sport dancing these aren't sports swimming is a sport no it's not it's an event it's like running what

swimming is a sport you have it's a sport. You have... It's a sport. It's time. It's a mode of transport. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not winning this one.

It's like running, isn't it? It's not... If running's not a sport, then neither is swimming. It's a sporting endeavour. So is darts. But that's also... Hang on, what's your definition of a sport?

A game? Like something you have to... A skill you have to learn that involves other stuff? Athletics is a sport, though. Will you concede that athletics is a sport? I don't think it technically is. I think it technically is a sporting event. So it's running a sport, then?

It's a sport, yeah. It depends if you're running a certain length and you're getting tired. Racing is definitely a sport. Okay. Formula One's a sport. Yeah. Formula One's a sport. Yeah. Because there's a car involved.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a mode of transport. What? Yeah, but like, there's a car involved. You've got to learn something else.

It's outside just you being fit. Boxing. It's a sport. Okay. Do you reckon you could go back and beat, like, I don't know. Someone in my weight class from back then? Yeah. Easy.

Oh, I wish I had a time machine now. Back when? Forties? Easy. Probably the eighties. How much do you weigh? Mike Tyson. Rocky Marciano was doing pretty good in the 1940s, I think.

Undefeated. Yeah. And he'd be a fucking idiot now. He wouldn't get out of the fucking first round. How much are you clocking in at? You are a heavyweight. I've got six weeks.

Right. So I'll be what? He's a cruiser. They say you're a cruiser. Say I'm 13 stone. He's a cruiser. I could say I'm nine. Say I'm 13 stone.

Yeah. I'm 15 stone right now. I could easily get down to 13 in six weeks yeah I'd want to get down to 13 stones if I had to fight

Rocky Marciano cruiserweight boxing 1940 I don't even think it was a weight division in 1940 was it

well then I definitely went right you've got maybe it was maybe it was Freddie Cochran he sounds odd Freddie Red Cochran

sounds like a tit what did he say in the presser I don't think there's any sport anyone should go back to in any era and beat any champion

any cunt in black and white can get it I'll stand by that Muhammad Ali what Muhammad Ali. What? Muhammad Ali. No, because he fought in colour as well. When you time travel back

to fight Cruiserweights in 1940, do you still have asthma? No, we've got six weeks to get rid of it. Yeah. Because modern medicine's not fixed that. No, it hasn't.

Yeah. With six weeks training, anyone. Can beat asthma. The modern sport is so advanced compared to back then. can beat asthma the modern sport is so advanced compared to back then you don't do modern sport

that's why I need the six weeks are you insane with the greatest training on the planet that's part of my argument you've got to remember that I'm not just saying

I can have six weeks of going to the fucking gym I'm saying the best boxing coach on the planet right now trains me for six weeks I will smoke anyone from the 40s

do you reckon if you have Roger Federer in your corner you'd beat silly lady you'd beat the ladies champion of the 60s I'd have to be the ladies champion

today like later this afternoon do you reckon you'd beat Staley Williams in a tennis match no should we stop asking him questions because he just goes

yeah yeah yeah do you think you could be because he's a Paul Scholes do you think in a tennis clutch. Should we stop asking him questions? Because he just goes, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could be... Because he's a Paul Scholes superfan. Do you think... Flo Scholes. He was fucking classic.

Paul Scholes. He's got Paul Scholes. Could you be an astronaut? Yeah, in six weeks. If I went to NASA. You know? And obviously by then I'm 11 stone

because gravity is different in space. Bit of Ventolin. Off I go. Yeah, course I could. Land on the moon. Dick first. Look at that.

Fucking moisturised. My God, I've never seen anything like it. You're welcome. Welcome, fucking aliens. Ridiculous. Silly person. I want you to get twatted by a person that's dead now. I want to go back to the 1940s

and see you get punched in the head. No, it's not the knee. Hey! Yeah. Why are you on a... If I'm a Mazagard, he wins. Just roping up them all. That was the Cruiserweight champion.

If there is a boxing historian who supports United, fucking hell, they've hated this episode so far. They sat there with their dry dick going... Yeah, they're fucking shite. Their diet wasn't what today's can be. Do you know what I mean? They're all eating fucking tripe, weren't they? In 1999?

No. Oh, we can't believe it. I'm not saying I could get in weren't they in 1999 no I'm not saying I could get in the United team in 1999 what football how far back football

to get in the Liverpool team the 20s I don't know I think you could do the 50s yeah probably

do it all all like teams were different though because you're getting carried there was definitely

some Liverpool weren't good in the 50s, were they? Exactly. Have you watched Brazil play Italy in the 1970s? It's that team that's lauded as the best. When they actually passed the ball around, they were taking the Harlem Globetrotters.

It was incredible. Have you watched Italy in that same video? Don't watch Brazil. Watch Italy. Me, you, Stig and Finn would have beat that Italy team with no one else. I'm not even joking. They're literally just going,

oh, you passed it over there. Oh, now it's back over there. Like, it's ridiculous. There's no pressing at all. We would smoke Italy. We can't press. What was the World Cup where Holland invented pressing? Is it 1974?

Where they basically, for the first time ever, they went, listen, if someone gets the ball, just everyone run at them. 1974. It's unbelievable. Like watching players go, you're not allowed to do this. It's fucking amazing.

Type in Brazil versus Italy. 1970. 1970. 1970. Right. And watch this video. This is like Zico. Make sure the audio's off so we don't get copyrighted. This is earlier than Zico.

What is it? Is it the goal? That one. Yeah. It doesn't, any of it. Carlos Alberto. Right. Watch this.

Look at it. Look at the state of it. They're all Right. Watch this. Look at him. Look at the state of it. They're all really good on the ball, though. You wouldn't tackle that man. He's just not made a professional Brazil player. Right. And now Brazil have got the ball.

Watch Italy. Don't watch Brazil. Watch Italy. Watch Italy. Wasn't this in Mexico in the middle of the summer? Yeah, he's heavy. That was quite good. Socrates. Dr. Socrates. Dr. Socrates.

The doctor. The smoking doctor. For the audio listeners, we're still watching Brazil. Good God. Italy aren't really pressing. Pele gets the ball. Frode.

Lays it off. Someone squats it. Do you think we're defending that? Without any shadow of a doubt. Socrates passes to Pele. I didn't say we'd beat Brazil. I said we're defending that? Without any shadow of a doubt. Socrates past the penalty. I didn't say we'd beat Brazil. I said we'd beat that Italy team. We, as a podcast.

And all we need is six weeks. We need to have some six weeks merch. Just give me six weeks. Genuinely, there's nothing he can't achieve. He could grow a vagina in six weeks in his head. I could be one of the best women going.

Just go to doctors to fucking slap one on you. It's easy these days, isn't it? Anyone can do it. Walk into your doctors. I want a pussy. Okay. They're fucking everywhere now. We've got four o'clock this afternoon.

If you want Mr. O, Mrs. Ro. Private, we can do you at 4pm. Put the NHS's on its arse. New vagina, waiting list till November. It must be with Mrs Roe straight away. Very progressive. Of course, madam. Well, I'll see you at the tennis court.

Oh, you're getting absolutely bummed. Let's set a fucking date. Okay. Where? June 2nd. Let's get a fucking date. Okay. Where? June 2nd. Let's get it together. Cool. June 2nd.

How long do we get? Genuinely, when do you want the match? Whenever you feel comfortable. Any time. Hey, Siri. Any day. Turn up 9 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. What date is it six weeks from today?

Thursday the 16th. Yes. I'll be in Marrakesh. Oh, of course you will. Of course you fucking will. See you there, mate. Sound. 500.

Yeah. English. Yeah. Enjoying it. Three sets, two sets, one set. What do you want? One set. Five sets.

Should we get a proper umpire and all? I'll be 40 foot in the air. Get a lifeguard. One set, first to six. Yeah, well that's, yeah. One set. Okay. I think it should be.

All right, because you start strong. Why are you laughing? I fade. Third set. You didn't know that about me, Dan. I always win the first set. Second and third, tricky. I think first two sets would be better.

You've got ADHD. You'll wander off mid-fucking set. Well, then that'd be good for you, wouldn't it? Yeah. DQ, £500. Best of three sets, it should be. Yeah, like a ladies' game. Yeah.

For sure. That was a great, yeah. You're playing the ladies' game as well. Oh, you can make it Yeah, like a ladies game. Yeah. For sure. That was a great, yeah. You're playing the ladies game as well. Or you can make it a grand and play five sets. Yeah. Play first three sets if you want. Turn up with your new pussy. Play first three sets if you want.

I'll play whatever you want, mate. A five set classic at the Vagabonds. At the Nalgo. We're going on grass. What, in February? Yeah. No. You're going on grass what in February yeah no you're always on grass you're a pothead

yeah see you there me you the Nalgo 16th February or whenever Carl's back I'm going to wear a skirt

try and turn you on because we all know you love to turn us on you're the big ugly cunts of a man that won't turn me on trash talk starts now you little pussy ass bitch.

Enjoy your asthma attack. Can you please have a face off? No, stand up and have a face off. Matthew trying to move the camera. You're even stood up. No! One nil, bro. I wasn't expecting it.

You're not going to be expecting me fucking backhand uppercuts as well? Talk me through a backhand uppercut. You'll see. Are you just going to jump over a fucking... Are you going to punch me? Fuck off. You never know, do you? Who's the umpire?

If you're a tennis umpire... No. And you comment on Amazon... I know the rules. You're not... No way. Why? You're not a tennis player.

You are? I am if I'm playing... You can be my bag man. I don't want to be your bag man. You can be my bag man. No, I'll be the umpire. Thank you. 40 love.

Juice. Advantage row. Game, set and match. Who could it be? What are the odds? I'm going one to two, Adam. Three to one, Dan. He's just called you a fucking dickhead.

And ever. I'm into it. I'm ringing David Lloyd shortly. Who's he? We're having a break. You okay? Yeah. Post pot noodle.

I had a pot noodle for my lunch. Like a king. Cheeky pot noodle. Never had a pot noodle for my lunch. Like a king. Cheeky pot noodle. Never had one in my life. Never had a pot noodle. Why? And you'd love them as well. Because it's me, innit?

Talk me through the flavours of pot noodles and I'll tell you which one. It's all synthetic. Do you like chicken? I don't mind synthetic. Do they're actually vegetarian? They've no chicken. I don't like chicken. I love it. You're welcome. Which ones? Talk know it's chicken and mushroom. I don't like chicken. I love it. You're welcome. Which ones? Talk me through.

Chicken and mushroom. Bad Bombay, bad boy. I'm already out with the mushrooms. Thank you. No, it hasn't. No. Try one, please. It doesn't taste like mushrooms.

It's done my head in. Well, what's the point? Why don't they just call it chicken and pineapple then if it doesn't taste like mushrooms? Because it has got pineapple in it. Well, it hasn't got mushrooms in it. It has got mushrooms in it. It just doesn't taste like it has. Synthetic mushrooms. I think it has got the... Isn't the dried bits mushrooms? Yeah, yeah. There is mushrooms in it, but you just pan up on it. Well, it hasn't got mushrooms in it. It has got mushrooms in it, just doesn't taste like it has. Synthetic mushrooms. I think it has got the,

isn't the dried bits mushrooms? Yeah, yeah. There is mushrooms in it, but you just can't taste it. No, you can't taste. I don't like mushrooms. They're not incredible. It's can't be.

They are. They're a passable snack that takes four minutes to put together. If you're hungry, it's a fucking belter. I like the idea of food that I have to prepare and pour water.

Four minutes is about my preparation time that I'm willing to do. Do you leave them or do you like them crunchy, the noodles? No, I leave them, yeah. I'm weirdly strict when it comes to cooking times and regulations with food. How do you have a pot noodle crunchy? You know, if you just pour the water in and you just eat it straight away. You know, you just pour the water in and you just eat it straight away. Oh! Oh!

Do people do that? Yeah! Some people are just like, oh, fuck it, let's go for it. Some people have them dry. I've got al dente. Some people have them dry. You know, Shani's. I have them crunchy.

Truly, no water. Just take that powder. Not immediately. I leave them for like a minute. You absolute sex offender. They're banging, mate. Oh my God. Don't knock it till you've tried it. No, I will. You're eating dry noodles, you daft squad.

I'm really getting into me cooking at the minute. I've got back into it. Yeah. I'm really enjoying cooking. Pot noodles? No. That was just a snack for now because we haven't got it. We haven't got an oven or anything here.

I'd love to have a proper kitchen in here where I could prepare meals for us. I'd love it. I'd like proper recommendations. Just put a peg in a proper kitchen in here where I could prepare meals for us. I'd love it. I'd like proper recommendations. Just put a peg in it, because we've got to hit. You can ask one in a minute. Gordon Ramsay's aspirational fucking son. Oh.

What, you've been cooking, Adam, with your moisturised dick? Not with your moisturised dick. Made a fantastic bolognese last week. Lovely. More than four minutes? Yeah. Oh, I'm out.

Six hours of bolognese. I'm out. Hours? Christ. That's why I don, I'm out. Six hours of bolognese. I'm out. Hours? Christ. That's why I don't cook. The longer you leave a bolognese on, the better it is.

A crunchy bolognese. You can make the pasta al dente if you want. That is how they do it in Italy. They are... They like it crunchy over there? A little bit.

I like mine softer, so I leave mine a little bit longer because I'm a big believer in the fact that the English are the worst at creating cuisines in the world, but we're the best at perfecting them. We take everyone else's cuisines and improve them. Right. What is our cuisine?

Basically, Sunday roast. Yeah. Roast beef. Bangs and mash. Right. What is our cuisine? Basically, Sunday roast. Yeah. Roast beef. Bangs and mash. Whole shit like that. Yeah. But like Chinese food in China is absolute dog shit. It's bollocks. It is actually

dog shit and bollocks. Dog bollocks. He went over for six weeks. That's what shumais are over there. They're dog bollocks. In China, they've come up with a good cuisine. They've brought it over here and we've gone, right, let's get a bit of fucking five spice on that.

A bit of salt and pepper and also add some chips. Yeah. And the Chinese have gone, oh my God, this is now a viable economy. And then do a scouse version of the shumai that's never been seen in China.

Exactly. We've improved it. We couldn't have possibly come up with that on our own. We've took inspiration from China's original menu and we've gone, fuck that. Here's some Latin in talkie. Got you there, Mr. Lin.

Think you're doing it wrong. I like prawns, but I like toast. Jam them in. Fucking prawn toast, mate. Fucking banging. Unbelievable. I never used to like prawn toast

and I've had an epiphany. Prawn toast is heavy. It's unbelievable. It's the only fish I've ever eaten. Only fish I've ever eaten because I got pissed 20 years ago visiting my mate who was at liverpool uni and the chinese right at the end uh near the fucking hoo-ha you know right at the end of the old street yeah up there near the

bombed out church big bowl just around i don't know if it was big ball 20 years ago we got hammered went for chinese i was like i don't really eat it they were like try that toast i was like what is it they were like yeah try that toast. I was like, what is it? They were like, yeah, it's toast. Finished a whole round. And they were like, cool, there's prawns in that. I was like, oh. I don't really like prawns. And they were like, yeah, but you like that, don't you? I was like, yeah. Which sums

up the stupidity of being a fussy eater. Prawn toast is fine. But I had to be tricked as an adult to eat it. If you go to China and ask for prawn toast, they'll laugh you out the building, sir. But you can get it over here. Oh, no. It's more respectful when he's talking about cuisine, isn't it? When we're doing tennis challenges, you fucking prick.

Oh, food. Well, sir. Let me see. Yeah. We perfect cuisines. Do you know what I mean? We. Yeah.

All of us lot. Scousers and the English. Scousers. There you go. there you go. There you go. Like pasta over there, they're like, we do it al dente.

It's like, well, you've undercooked your pasta, your soft swat, make it soft. It's nice. Oh, what a fucking floppy pizza. I want it to be hard. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Do you want to scratch me ass with me pizza slice? Do you throw your spaghetti against the wall? No, I just get a bit out, eat it and go. I like that texture

and then I stop cooking it. He gets some on the wall. It's not, you know. Don't come for me for my cooking skills, mate. Tell me you look like a fucking silly little girl. Want five and a pound bet? Have a cook-off. Like, Ishan took me for authentic South Asian food.

I don't want to say Indian, because it's not all Indian. Do you know what I mean? He's not from Indian descent. He's from Bangladeshi descent. And he was like, get the traditional thing. And I got it. Dog shit. He got a chicken madras

and I was jealous of him and apparently that is a British twist or it's what, what he says is, the immigrants who came over from South Asia came over here

and was like, right, we will make this palatable for the British so we'll invent a chicken madras which is a spicy one and they've done that to sort of appease us

but the fact that they- Yeah, because they're selling it in the UK. Yeah. Make it popular. The chicken tikka masala is from Birmingham. Yeah, you can't get that

in Mumbai, apparently. Right. You can get it over there because we have perfected it. So you think, this is what you're saying, it's perfected, not just for us,

but it's better. It is better. So if you took, in a little bit of Tupperware, chicken tikka masala to Bombay. Yeah. Is it called Bombay anymore? Is it. So if you took, in a little bit of Tupperware, chicken tikka masala to Bombay, is it called Bombay anymore? Is it?

Anyway, you took it over to India. What have I got in my head? For Goa, Delhi, Rajasthan, and they'd go,

what a lad. It's fucking banging. I don't think, I don't think they would, but it's only because Indians are a very stubborn people. Good. You are so worldly today.

So worldly. And they'll be eating it going, oh my God, this is unbelievable. Nah, shite this. Have one of our normal ones. And then they'd fucking turn around and go. Just laugh you off the building first. Don't tell them.

And if you're wondering, that is a Rajasthan accent we're doing. Don't tell them. You're hearing Scouse, but lad, from fucking Rajo. Up the Raj.ouse, but lad, fucking Rajal. Up the Raj. Italy, like, they've done all right. Can't take that away.

Pizzas, Americans have made that better. You say. Yeah, French chips, we made them better. French fries. What do you mean? Chippy chips, well better. Chippy chips are better than French fries. Fuck.

They didn't invent chopping up potato and deep frying it. They just have their version. Because the version of chips that they do is french fries. Oh, so they fucked it then. And I think that's American anyway, isn't it? Well, they fucked it again. Also, adding chips to cuisines. We did that.

Do you know what I mean? Getting chips in an Indian. Fucking sound. Makes it so much better. And if you go with someone who's from that culture, they're like, you can't get chips with a curry. You can.

It makes it better. Chips make anything better. Pizza makes it better. Can't get that in Italy. If you're a curry purist, you don't have chips with you, your curry. And more fool you.

Yeah, you're missing out there. Oh, it's not traditional. I'm not asked. It's better. Chips make everything better. Pizza, curry. Well, why don't you just have a pizza with your curry? Would that make it better?

Or is that just too busy? I think that would be too busy. They don't really go for me. It's not accompanying. But I would, you know, if I was at a buffet and there was a bit of curry and a pizza, and a christening, I would get both, yeah. Sounds like there's definitely shumais at that.

Fuck me, that's a dish, isn't it? Chicken tikka masala. If you go to a scouts christening, there's always a curry. There's always a curry and there's definitely shumais at that. Fuck me, that's a dish, isn't it? Chicken tink with masala. Do you go to a Scouse, Kristen? There's always a curry. There's always a curry and there's always pizzas. Little white bowl, got your curry in it. Wallop. What about little sausage dogs?

Yeah, they're there as well. There's loads of dachshunds there. We've talked about your dog so much that in my head I'm like, yeah, little sausage dogs. Little hot dogs. No, you have the two vats of hot food. Usually a curry and maybe a pasta. Do you celebrate christenings in Preston?

We have done a few, yeah. You'll see a lot of Lancashire hot pot at a fucking, the same sort of do. What is that? I don't know. A stew? Is it a stew? It's like a stew with the fucking pies lid on it.

Oh. Sounds great. Honestly, when you say Christening, I can smell all those fucking hot pots. And sorry if you're from Lancashire, but they're bloody lovely. Christening's in Liverpool are like fucking Champions League finals.

Everyone's excited for it for months. Christening's in Liverpool sound like being on a food court where you can just pick what you want from fucking anyone. They normally do a big curry, a chicken curry with rice. And then they have like a picky buffet as well. You get your quiche, you get your chicken wings,

you know, you get your pizza. You get your fire, spring rolls. Oh, that's unbelievable. If you're fussy, you love a buffet. Yeah. Hide in plain sight.

You'd be like, yeah, I'm just having this. Where you're like, I couldn't have two thirds of this, but I can have these. Are you a quiche? Are you a quiche, man. Hiding plain sight. You'd be like, yeah, I'm just having this. Where you're like, I couldn't have two thirds of this, but I can have these. Are you a quiche? Are you a quiche man? Never eaten quiche.

Of course he hasn't. Love a quiche mate. A quiche Lorraine. A quiche Dan. A quiche Dan. Have you had a quiche Dan? Yeah. I've had a quiche Carl.

No, I've never. Quiche is heavy. Yeah. We improve cuisines. We're not good at making them. We're good at making them better. Yeah. That's what we're famous for yeah

we've got the Greek food over here I think there might be a little bit of geography bias in that because everything's been made better to your palate that you've grown up with

because the testing of that the testing of that would be to take it to like take our version of a cuisine to the home nation.

You would be stupid. No, because all of these people are fucking set in their ways. They don't understand. What would you do, Adam, if someone in, say, India had a twist on the roast dinner? Stand. You do you. I'll judge it for myself.

I'll have a bit. I'll try it. Leg of lamb. Leg of lamb with a, you know, Peshawari naan. Doesn't sound right. Nobody cooked it different. The roasties are somehow soft.

Yeah, it's a leg of, it's a tikka lamb. And then I would just decide. Back in England, they're knobheads. We've improved this. Well, I'd be like, yeah, sound,

you can have your opinion. I disagree. Which is what they do. It's basically, you just like where you're, what you've known, where you're from, is what you're saying.

Look, everyone's entitled to their opinion, but at the end of the day, I'm right and they're wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Food, ladies and gentlemen. To be fair. Pot noodles, that's where that started.

The Asian food that I have in England, that I used to eat in Japan, is better here as well. The cuts of meat are better. In Japan, they eat all of it so the chicken nuggets are horrible. Chicken nuggets

in Maccy's in Japan are disgusting. There's fucking bumholes in it and everything, haven't there? Because they use different cuts of meat.

Is this 100% chicken breast? No. It's got a bit of bumhole, bit of knee. Yeah. I reckon chicken nuggets

in UK Maccy D's have probably got a little bit of chicken bumhole in. 100% chicken breast. I've seen the advert. You worked there I did work there

I wasn't involved in the creation of the nuggets so they arrived in a freezer bag nice so did he international

Mackie D's since I was a kid you love trying the different it's better it's just so much fun in Spain they do wings I love that

you had when we went to Spain you had a whole buffet in front of you in Mackey's. On the floor. I don't remember that. On the floor. Oh, my God. I've just remembered KFC.

Oh, my God. Hammered. Just done a parasol. When I worked in Mackey's, I used to overcook the nuggets on purpose so that there would be 40 nuggets that couldn't be sold that I could just eat. Clever man. Statute of limitations is only 10 years, so they can would be 40 nuggets that couldn't be sold, that I could just eat. Clever man.

Statute of limitations is only 10 years, so they can't do me for that. The statute of limitations in the UK law is 10 years? Yeah. Oh, wow. Like, if you murdered someone 15 years ago, you saw him now. A fairly negligent court case, though,

wouldn't it, by McDonald's, to try and take you to court for eating, allegedly, 40 burnt nuggets in 2012? It would be a little bit like, we're going to take this cunt down. Statute of limitation also doesn't follow to our different laws as well. I don't think murder.

I think murder might be 12 years. But meat is murder. You're welcome, veggies. Shall we do some questions? If you want. Do you want to? No, you don't have to. I want you to want to.

I want you to be happy. I want you to want to do this. What do you want to eat? What? If we had the choice now, what do you want to eat? What's my favourite food? Have you ever had that conversation with your partner? I'm starving, what do you want to know?

Yeah, that's a brutal conversation when you live in a village because there's only fucking Domino's delivers. I ate that. I got a Domino's last night. That's the way. Good, but when they're the only gaff that delivers, you get annoyed with it. Yeah, it's like when we were in Brunton,

we got second-hand those. I go through phases of Domino's and I'm currently in an off phase. Yeah, I'm the same, but on the way home last night, I did a gig in Manchester last night and Alfie was with me on the way back.

He just wanted pizza so I went to Domino's on London Road. Where'd you go? They do a new one called the Ultimate Sausage. Happy days. That was your

last favourite as well. It was, yeah. Your ma loves the meat feast. All the cock. You put that wide. I think it is. I'm not asked. It's just a pause. It was a good effort. It was just a pause. Pope, you put that wide. I think, yeah. I'm not asked.

It's just a pause. It was a good effort. It was just a pause. There was pepperoni on it. He didn't believe it. Ndouja. Oh. And red jalapeno.

Is that a new thing, Ndouja? Because I'm banging into it. Talk me through Ndouja. It's like art. It's spicy sausage. Oh, like a chorizo. Like Turkish cock. It's weird.

It's in a weird form. Ndouja. Oh, it looks.izo? Like Turkish koch. It's weird. It's in a weird form. Indusier. Oh, it looks pretty bad. It's the new pulled pork. It's everywhere. Indusier. Yeah, I saw it at Bacaro's on a pizza. Yeah.

Pulled pork had a fantastic couple of years, didn't it? Oh, mate. Five years of greatness. It's like the meat chew of food. Yeah. Oh, you only had one in a half season, really. Yeah, I got you there on a techo. Oh, that's... Te Michou of food. Yeah. Oh, you only had one in half seasons, really. Yeah, I got you there on a techo.

Oh, that's... Techo? Techo? He's in the third seat of Spanish football now. Michou. He's retired, isn't he? Well, he was.

After Mohamed Salah's first season at Liverpool, Carl called him the Egyptian Michou. And then, for a season and a half after that, every time Salah scored,

I sent him a photograph of me too. That's true. There's a lot of photographs. He's turned into the salami. He doesn't send it to me anymore. He's doing all right, isn't he? He's doing all right. Should we do some questions?

Yeah, go on. If you want, if you want. But do you want? Do you want to? I want you to be happy. I want to do some advice where Carl doesn't get annoyed with it and just go,

don't fucking, fuck off. That'd be good. Well, it depends what you're going to ask. Right, okay. I'm never going to fucking mask myself for your pleasure. No, just, you just get irritated with the process and then go, just don't do that. Next. Well, that's me, Dan. Yeah, I know, but it, you know,

that's what I don't want. Tough tits. Right, should we get some advice? No. I know exactly what Carl's going to do. Yeah, don't do that. It's fucking stupid. Max Rutherford says, Wagwaddle is listening to the pod when you are talking about weaning and pooing in the same room as your partner.

I need some advice. My girlfriend keeps asking to hold my cock while I pee. What do you think the answer should be? Cheers lids. Already booked hackney for next year. Max Rutherford who used to work at a golf club for the fucking golf touries the lion guy

the lion gunga she wants to hold his cock while he's pissing is this a sexual thing I mean it must be mustn't it no one wants to hold the cock just for a laugh

maybe it's just in the nature of learning maybe she just wants to experience it maybe it's going to be a one time thing and she goes wow

look at that I've always wanted to do that now I don't have to get my own dick. You'd always want a girl touching your dick. This always improves the situation. No, you don't. That's not true.

No, you don't. Well, go on then. When I'm beating him in the third set, I love having my dick touched. You wouldn't want Laura holding your dick as you were beating him. Oh, no. That's priorities.

Why are you pissing? No, I'm not saying I want it, but you're not going to... It doesn't improve it then, does it? You're not going to be able to make it worse, though, is it? It is, yeah. Why? Because I don't want to be thinking about... It doesn't improve it then, does it? You're not going to be able to make it worse, though, is it? It is, yeah. Why?

Because I don't want to be thinking about... You don't always want a girl touching your penis. Imagine if Serica was under that table now, touching your penis. Would that be a better podcast report? Yeah, that would. Absolutely. No, it'd be well worse. No, it wouldn't. And we don't know about it.

Having a woman under there right now, doing anything to my dick, and none of you know. No, she's not wanking him off. Oh, she's just holding your penis. Yeah. No, even wanking me off. Just pinching it. Just pinching it. Like, I've got it, Carl.

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you're here. Finn's kicked me three times. What? How does that... Why is that good? No, secret sex touches are just fantastic.

Yeah? If I fingered a woman in the back of a taxi and the driver's got no idea. I'm not saying it never... But the whole thing of like, it's always good to have a woman In the back of a taxi And the driver's got no idea I'm not saying It never But the whole thing of like It's always good To have a woman

Holding your penis Is not right I don't know why She sat so high up Also That shared Uber's Gone wrong hasn't it That's not seeking it

You take your risk Well if I did it down there The camera wouldn't see are you on the oh right yeah alright mate been busy what time you on till

she's like what yeah ignore her mate she's just coming oh right I'll ignore her then well I was going to look back

and wonder what's happening but if she's enjoying an orgasm alright listen it's weird but I wouldn't like if she wants to try I'd be like yeah go for it

you're not going to like it. Problem is, what if she goes, that was so much fun, and it's my new thing. I want to hold your dick every time you wee. That's the problem. I'd just draw a line under this before it even starts. If it's a sexual thing, then that's different because I think you've got to do whatever you can to

satisfy your partner's sexual needs. But if this is just, she just wants to hold willies because she likes doing it and it's nothing to do with sex. Put me cock down, love. Piss on her hand a little bit. She'll never do it again. Yeah, there you go.

Some women love getting pissed on. What if it's some sort of sabotage and she just wants to control your aim and then she just aims it up? Yeah, but you're being gaslit, Max. She wants to control where you piss, mate. This is getting a bit sinister. You know who's pissing into the phone? If she just aims it up and he pisses on his own face. That's what I're being gaslit, Max. She wants to control where you piss, mate. This is getting a bit sinister. You know who's pissing into the toilet?

If she just aims it up and he pisses on his own face. That's not ideal. It's not ideal? Yeah, but if she also chops it off with a knife while she's holding it, that's not ideal. You can't, just because she wants to hold it, doesn't, like, she's like, ah! I think you'd ask her, if it's sexual, you've got to let her do it. And if she's just like, no, no, I just want to hold it,

she's a fucking weirdo, mate, to say no. Pissing time is my time. By the way, I am losing so many hours. She's a fucking weirdo, me saying, oh, pissing time is my time. By the way, I am losing so many hours of my life to the toilet car, got me. Yeah, we all knew that was going to happen. Are you losing him? Is it really lost? No, you're in a warm bubble. You just, like, can't do anything else while you're there.

It's just joy. Dan, if Laura said to you, you know, I've got a new thing. I want to try it. I want to wipe your arse. Put you in a nappy. You escalated that. You're like,

yeah, it's not enough. I'm taking up to nappy stage. But she was like, yeah, it's a sexual thing. Would you go, yeah? Or would you be like, nah. Yeah, I'm keeping my shitting away from all sexual.

She's not going to be embarrassed. She's asking and she wants to try it. I would try almost anything sexual that my girlfriend wants to try no there's a there's personally a line for me and it's it

yeah plopping come on man Adam's saying about pissing time is his time plopping time is a private you know that's a horror that only I need to deal with

you might unlock some kind of fucking like mad sex thing that is great yeah but there's some things you've got to judge before it happens because I'm pretty sure that i'm going to be horrified by that even if she weirdly turns like yeah wipe little wet wipe a little bit of talc yeah well then i'm getting freaked out aren't i legs up put me in a vest and i toddle off me and jack Todd Laugh. Me and Jack. It's up to you to do that. What?

All right, so the nappy isn't weirdly childlike in the first place. You're making it childlike. It's actually an adult nappy. It's for incontinent. That does happen. Yeah. I'm not that old yet. I'm 41.

Have you ever seen adult babies? It's like sex thing. Yeah, I have, yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, but I don't want to attach to shitting like i'd honestly if a girl was like sort of like the baby thing dummy big nappy i'd be like if she was amazing like hot and i'd you know because a lot of things you're like you have to sort of go well i really like her and i don't want to lose her. So in your head, you're like, I'll give it a go.

But shitting is not. Shitting's off the table. I would try it and then if it didn't like it, I'd go, listen, that was enough for me. If it was shitting, I'd be like, look, I'll try it if you really want to, but I don't really... But I need you to sign this disclaimer.

But at the same time, I love getting rimmed. Next question. You've never had a bit of bumper. I know that's not shit but it is the arsehole which is such a close cousin it really is I think he's the father

isn't he the arsehole is the father of shit not the cousin go have a word.com by the way get us on channel 4 Harry Cullen

would you rather would you rather would you rather never have to eat again you'll still be able to eat when you need to family meal or date but in normal day to day life you'll never need to eat

or cook again I wasn't listening because I'm still laughing at Carl in my head can you ask again sorry do you know that happens

literally every episode now yeah it does you go what yeah but you move on before I've told you it's okay. It's your fault. I'm not going to be reading questions next time.

Go on, start again. What's Cullow said? You what? Cullow. Oh, Cullow. Would you rather never have to eat again, you'll still be able to eat when you need to, so like for a family meal or a date,

but in normal life, day to day, you'll never need to eat or cook again but we'll always have enough energy for the day without ever feeling hungry you basically take away the medical need for food as an energy source or you never have to sleep again once again you can sleep if you want but you will never need to and will always feel like you've had a perfect night's sleep sleep meaning you? Meaning you'll be... Can I just finish? You get starved in the sleep one. Meaning you'll be way more productive and have more hours in the day.

Or, a third or, a second or, sorry, never have to spend time travelling within this country. This means you can teleport, but only for things inside the country, meaning you can save all the time you waste in the car or on the train getting from gigs, but you can't teleport on holiday to holiday or to another country.

Teleporting? Which is your... Teleporting? I don't know. See, he doesn't do the miles of a comic, so it's not as... I enjoy my car. Right, but you can still use it if you want. Oh, can I? I enjoy eating and I enjoy sleeping and I don't

enjoy travelling. You enjoy sleeping because you need it. If you didn't need it, you wouldn't be arsed. No, sleeping and i don't enjoy traveling you enjoy sleeping because you need it if you didn't need it you wouldn't be asked no sleeping's great i know i love sleeping the food thing by the way that's not the answer i enjoy food yeah i enjoy preparing even as a foot even as a like a fussy knobhead with food i'd be like i still you get a lot of enjoyment from eating not having to sleep would make me so much more productive yeah it's so much more productive fucking insane though no no no no no that this it it wouldn't make you because he's saying you get sleep taken away but you're still fine you know but i know but i mean sleep is like the reset for the day in it even if yeah all the day yeah that's what i mean it's all one thing but you can't nothing breaks anything up can you still sleep if you want yeah oh yeah that's fine you just

have a 40 minute like you get to 40 like like half seven in the morning go right i'm gonna get 40 minutes and then wake up at 10 past eight, ready. That will be fire. Waking up ready for the day every day. I honestly begrudge how much time you lose to sleep. Even though sleeping is great. I've been waking up in the night recently, so fucking annoying. Because you wake up and if you can't get straight back to sleep,

that hour is such a fucking waste because you know you're going to be tired the next day. Such a shit feeling. I'd love to take sleep away. Teleporting would be fucking tremendous. Eating's off the table for me. Yeah. I would consider not sleeping. It's the teleport one by a mile.

I like sleeping. I like eating. And I don't like traveling. So yeah, train journeys can fuck off. If I can teleport a train journey... I'm in London. That would be such an amazing way to initiate the teleporting.

You know what happens if you're at Anfield and you accidentally clap? Fucking hell! I'm in Shrewsbury! Just go back. Yeah. Get out of my seat, mate. I was just in Shrewsbury for a second.

I am going with transport. Just for... I wouldsbury for a second. I am going with transport. Just for... I would still drive for train journeys. You don't have to do train journeys now, Carl. You can take train journeys out of your life. You do. No, I almost never take the train. If you go to London, you have to get the train.

Yeah, London is the one. I used to get the train a lot. I used to like the time. Sat at a table being able to like... Well, better getting the train than driving a long distance. But now the trains are so fucked because the Tories won't pay anyone a proper wage. They're a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, I just don't like it. Do you know the reason they're all getting cancelled is because they've stopped paying overtime. So before, the train drivers would do the journey like that they were booked to do they their train would be in newcastle but it'd be needed back in birmingham they do overtime after their shift to take that train back to birmingham so at the start of the next day the train was in the right place to get to where it needs to go so they've gone yeah we're not paying out any

overtime because they're cunts and now the trains are all in the wrong fucking place that's why there's so many cancellations or part of the reason why there's so many counts the trains are boned but you have to roll the dice because it's london because i hate driving down there yeah i'd love to not sleep i think it that's it's difficult it's a good question i thought it wasn't going to be at the start, but it's between sleep and teleporting, and I'm probably going to go with teleporting. But then waking up nice and refreshed every day. Although I'm married. If it's just you.

If I definitely get refreshed, defo, then nah. That would be great. The problem with it is I'm married, so if Laura's like, do you know what, babe? I'm absolutely knackered. She goes to bed at like 9pm at the latest.

You don't have to tell her. You don't have to tell her. You don't have to tell her. I'm so tired. You can still sleep. You just don't rely on it. You could literally go, oh, yeah, me too. So what did you do last night?

Did you do everything? Because I've got loads of washing you could have been doing last night. You just don't tell her you've got this power. Yeah. You could... You've got a secret from your wife. She wakes up...

She wakes up in the night and you're not in your bed. Women will eventually use everything you've got against you. Where were you last night? Where were you? Right, I've got a secret superpower. Don't need to sleep. Yeah, try that next time you don't sleep in your bed. Where were you last night?

Fucking, you know, solving crimes. The living room. You don't have to leave the house. You don't have to go gallivanting. Just because you're awake. I'd go gallivanting. Turn because you're the week. I'd go gallivanting. I'd turn into a nightcrawler real quick. By the way, you've got a white-haired barnet on the go there.

I've got one? Yeah, it looks like Jack Whitehall's. Does it? You've scratched the back of it up. Cool. What about you? No, you look like Jim Carrey in court. The pen is...

Oh, you fixed it, yeah? Yeah. I'm going with... For audio listeners, Adam looks mad. I'm going with sleep. I'm going to do a second sleep. I'm going to go with sleep. Are we bidding sleep?

No, sleep is my choice. Sleep is my choice as long as I always feel fully refreshed. Bam. We're never sleeping again. We're all there with you, Harry Cullen. Break time. Well done, Cullow. Let's get the fattest person we know in.

Hiya. One of the best people we know in it This guest A good person He's a good friend, he's a terrible person A charitable man A charitable man At what point do I butt in here? Hi

Freddie Quincy, yeah? That's still a clap? Yeah, yeah Liar Thanks for coming in Thanks Thanks for having me. Yeah, just saying before we started, I think you might be the worst person I know. Why? Just don't know.

Do you know, like, there's certain people in your life, like, if it came out that, like, Carl, like, if I heard a Twitter rumour that Carl had, like, murdered 12 women, I'd be like, it didn't happen. Yeah. He did not do that. Maybe at least 12. If it was about you you'd be surprised i stopped at 12. i'd be like when's the rest coming out i mean there's no way it's a

fucking weird calendar in it for 2023 it's one murder a month in it that's doable yeah how many murders you reckon you could commit if you if you If you could only commit one murder at a time, how many do you reckon you could do before you got caught? But you have an infinite amount of money and an infinite amount of time to plan it and how you get rid of it. Question to the proposer. Do I have to know the person or have reason to murder them?

Am I allowed to just merc someone out of the blue? Totally out of the blue. Random. I think as long as I didn't break down and just implode emotionally, if I didn't have that, if I had the killer streak, I think as long as you don't know them and there's no fucking reason to kill someone... Thousands, yeah.

Thousands? Thousands. Thousands. I'd make Mussolini look like a silly little girl. So thousands... He was a silly little girl So thousands He was a murderer You would You would So for thousands

you would back yourself to murder one person a day every day for about three years No Easy I'm doing it over

like a 10-20 year span Well thousands over a 10 year span is still what like one a week Easy Sundays

Just Sunday drivers is still what, like one a week? Easy. Sundays. Just Sunday drivers. Just have a sniper rifle on the motorway and wait for the middle lane driver. Nah, snipers is going to get you found out. That's how I go to sleep. People think I'm weird for that. What, sniper people? Yeah.

So, right. So you know how, right. You know when you're in bed at night, what do you think about in order to get to sleep? Oh my God, Freddie. I am going to connect with you so badly on this. You have to think about weird stuff that isn't real, otherwise your head starts ticking about work and life.

So you just create weird little role-play things. I have honestly, to get to sleep at night, thought about being a weird sort of like... Like a mercenary. A mercenary who goes out and kills people. So I do it every night. Oh, my God. I'm genuinely worried about myself.

In order to get to sleep at night, what I do... Can I just check before you carry on? Did you just say you were genuinely worried about yourself? Or you are worried about yourself? Oh, no. Because I'm telling you right now, the fact that he does it as well shouldn't make you feel any better about this. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you right now, the fact that he does it as well shouldn't make you feel any better about this.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The fact that I thought it was just a weird thing that sometimes I did. I thought I had this vigilante thing, like, right here are the list of all the paedophiles in the region, and I just go and murk them with special powers. Oh, I'm not even...

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Be awful when you get to your own name on that list. Oh, no. I mean... Well, I hope this is Laura. That's another way that we differ, because I'm killing women and kids. I, no. I mean, this is Laura. That's another way that we differ because I'm killing women and kids.

I'm like, I'm going out there. I'm killing all of them. That's what makes you the worst person we know. I'm killing everybody. I'm a mercenary. I'm a gun for hire.

Why? You send yourself to sleep by killing women and children. No, not just. Anyone and everyone. I don't discriminate. Freddie, you're a hitman.

You're not a vigilante yeah i'm a hitman basically oh i'm so semi-superhero so here's the thing right is what i do is i fall asleep and i imagine getting myself into the position and having the little rifle and that and looking down the scope and like finding my target and that's why i fall asleep but recently right so why are you admitting this on the internet? This is going to be played and caught one night. Every time. Every podcast he does is really good,

but it brings him closer to the end of his career. Every time I do something connected with Have A Word, I lose something. And so now I've come in fully knowing that this is going to bite me in the arse at some point. What have you lost? What, sorry? Some of his contracts you never talk about.

Off the top of my head, I lost that book deal with you guys because I came in here and talked about manipulating women. And a publicist was like, I don't think you were joking. Oh, you think I went on a comedy podcast and seriously talked about my love of manipulating women? You fucking idiot. But you do go asleep by murdering people. Sniping children. That's not manipulating women, you fucking idiot. But you do go asleep by murdering people.

Sniping children. That's not manipulating them, is it? It is, it's manipulating them to death. Hang on. So you just... You think that's what the problem with the book deal was? The publisher was like,

look, if you are murdering these women, fine, but don't manipulate them and leave them to live. Yeah. Do you know what? Actually, I quite like the idea of manipulating where they go with my rifle and just shooting near them so they all go

like cattle into like a pen or something. Why am I weird? What do you mean, why are you weird? Hitting people. No, you're focusing on the women and children bit. I kill everyone in my dreams. He's a pro. Do you kill animals? What, sorry? Dogs? No, that's terrible.

Who's putting a hit out on an animal? Who's putting a hit out on an animal? Who's putting a hit out on a child? A vet. Also as well, how over the top is it to sniper a dog? Do you know what I mean? You could just boot one in the face. You don't need to fucking sniper it. You boot a child in the face?

This is the worst episode we've ever done, and I'm really enjoying it. You just boot a child in the face? Yeah, but you get caught instantly. What are we doing? Freddie, Freddie, in the role play that sends you to sleep because you're actually a psycho and I'm not far behind you, do you have a contact or is that already done?

It's already done. Oh, I don't dream about the admin beforehand. I don't dream about the meeting two weeks before. Freddie's driving down the M6. This is taking ages. I'll fall asleep. I go straight into the ad. I go straight into the action.

I can't do that with fantasies. Even like sexual. In a sexual fantasy, I'm having about like a woman I've met in real life. I have to imagine how we end up fucking before we get there. So when you have a wank, it starts with like getting drinks at the bar? No, no, no.

It starts on booking.com. I'm going to need a room. No, it does. It starts with like how the evening would begin, yeah. Context in porn is vital. You kind of just get to the fucking... Adam starts wanking when he's like, oh, the mains was lamb.

Well, right. This brings me back to the whole fucking shooting thing so i've been falling asleep like that like literally every night for as long as i can remember right before the kill yeah but recently right my other half has had problems sleeping so you're always polishing your sniper rifle in the bed i combined the two and i shot her. I've been sleeping with an AK-47 like I'm in full metal jacket. That's a great niche joke. Rough round you, Alan. So, right.

She's been listening to Headspace to help her get to sleep. And that, you know, Headspace, they've got like... Sleep cast. Totally. So they've got like little fucking stories. Like, you know, itspace, they've got like... Sleep cast. Totally. So they've got like little fucking stories. Like, you know, it's a quiet day in the soap shop as the woman who owns it goes round and gently checks all of the soap.

Adam's just been hired from his voiceover agent to do some of that work. Yeah, they reckon it'll be really... Fuck off. I am doing a sleep app. Lab, the train's fucking packed. I am doing a sleep app. No, you're not.

I am. There's no way. His voiceover agent's just boxing the train's fucking packed. I am doing a sleep app. No, you're not. I am. There's no way. Is voiceover agents just boxing? There's no way you're doing a sleep app. I did the audition two weeks ago and I got the job this morning. Go on, give me the... There's going to be a range of scripts.

I've got to be given a script, but it's all about ASMR, isn't it? It's just constant talking at a soft... But again, take this. I don't want to cause offense to your listenership but scouse isn't the right voice for asmr it is if you're scouse it is for scouses or people who've got a scouse you're down the leather shop there's loads of leather imagine lying down on all the leather you're faster kip now shut the fuck up and don't shoot no one in your dreams and if you do keep my name out your fucking mouth

so anyway right so her her headspace app has been fucking with my imagining that i'm a sniper just pretend you're blowing the soul woman's head off that's what i've started doing so now i use the headspace as like a jumping point for narrative so she's in the soap shop and I'm imagining that I'm fucking diving in, fucking shooting up all the bath bombs and shit and causing Avakin Lush. So how are you two? Already been to Lush today

luckily. Do you know why I go to sleep? I put country music on. That's worse. That's worse. I'd rather go and see Freddie's dream live than see fucking country music. Well you're coming to see it in Nashville. We've got our Luke Combs tickets came through yesterday mate. I am rather go and see Freddie's dream live than see fucking country music. Well, you're coming to see it in Nashville. We've got our Luke Combs tickets came through yesterday, mate.

I am, until I sell my fucking tickets. It's so weird. I either put that on or I put Friends on. You put Friends on? I put something on that I've seen before and I know every word of because it takes my brain to that and I can't, like, my anxiety,

my anxious thoughts can't get in because it's focusing on the thing and my brain's focusing on the story because i already know it sort of bores me so yeah what you are like i i can't get my head around those people that put telly on to fall asleep specifically telly that they haven't seen because it's like that's too interesting yeah no i can't do that it has to be a show or a film that I've seen many times. Yeah.

Like, I could fall asleep to School of Rock. I couldn't fall asleep to, like, I don't know, The Shawshank Redemption. I've only seen that once. But also, as well, I think it... And it's dead good. Sorry, fall asleep to The Shawshank Redemption.

I couldn't. I couldn't do that because I've only seen it once. It's quite long as well. I have been known to procure various incendiary items from time to time. You just fucking faster, Kip. Who was that meant to be?

I wasn't trying to be Morgan Freeman, but that was what his character Red says. So why did you do that for? You said you weren't trying to be him. He was. Basically, what I did is I made a judgement call and I went, you probably can't pull off an 80-year-old black man. And so I went about a third of the way.

Come on, come on. A lot of them are with us, so you can. They'd be quite happy for it. God, Freddie. You can't be wanking old black men off. Come on. Oh, right, I said pull off, and that's where we are. Come on, Freddie. Okay, okay.

I thought I'd said something horrific then, and that was, but that's fine. It wasn't 80 when it was filmed either also I reckon you could do a decent Morgan Freeman if you really tried, I can really, can you? yeah, I can do Al Pacino as well from what film?

from what film? I've been walking around can you do Al Pacino doing the Shawshank? drag yourself for a fucking mile of shit. Shit, a great pipe. Sorry, go on. Can you do Morgan Freeman, please, Adam?

What? What do you want me to say? The moment he walked in, the Shawshank, I knew he was fucked. You sound more like Benoit Blanc. Oh, yeah. I can do that as well, then.

Well, now. Another one for the resume. I do believe there's been a murder his accent does me fucking head in doesn't it yeah because you know

it's Daniel Craig didn't you you know it's Daniel Craig you're like why are you fucking talking like that you dick it doesn't add anything

to the book also I watched Glass Onion all the way through not last night the night before and it's fucking poo no well

it's not it is it's terrible I guessed it very early okay no car chases tell me tell me why it's poo because it's not, isn't it? It is. It's terrible. I guessed it very early. Okay. No car, Jesus. Tell me why it's poo.

Because it's just a fucking stupid story, isn't it? It's just stupid. It's not well written. You see it coming a mile off. Halfway through, they're like, oh my gosh, not even this. So you saw... Spoiler alert. No, I don't.

Hang on, I've not watched it yet. You don't want to? I do, I do. No, you don't. You and me don't agree on films, mate. Yeah. What's your favourite film? This doesn't matter what my favourite film is. We've referenced so many on here.

Morgan Freeman. Can I play? My favourite film is The Truman Show. I think that's the greatest film that I've ever seen. And I think it's a great film to have as your favourite film. His wife scares me, though. Oh, Laura Linney. Yeah, she scares me. Yeah. Why is it a great film to have as your favourite film. His wife scares me, though. Oh, Laura Linney. Yeah, she scares me.

Yeah. Why is it a great film to have as your favourite film? Because I think it is a really, like, multi-layered film with lots of different things going on, lots of different things that it's kind of commenting on. And Jim Carrey. And it's a fucking great performance from Jim Carrey, who was, up until that point, only known for fucking

Liar, Li Liar This Pen Is Royal Blue all that shit and then he delivers a fucking powerhouse good film and the mask

the mask Ice Ventura he smashed it yeah but it is a bit more childlike in it all of that stuff is for kids as well

what do you think the greatest background film is put in the ground there's only one answer by the way the greatest background film Harry Potter is that what you're going to say no I think you need like a gangster film is putting the good there's only one answer by the way the greatest background film harry potter is that what you're gonna say no no i think you need a like a gangster film with wall-to-wall

great scenes so maybe goodfellas or pulp fiction but does that not draw you in though yeah you know background it's the social network such a good background film you put it on like the way it's like the story's all very nice honestly trust me it's a great background film people agree with me oh it is paced really well i put i put it in the same bracket as money ball and um and the big short oh yeah yeah yeah beautifully done just very easy to drop in and out of welcome to the mark commode film podcast on radio 4 what we like we like film i think there's too gripping to to drop it's. It's not gripping, it's very nicely paced and there's no like big scenes. It's just, it's nice to have.

Trust me. Big shot, phenomenal. It's great, isn't it? Although Liar Liar is good as well. Can we not slug off Liar Liar? Glass Onion's good, I liked it. It's dog shit, it's the worst film I've ever seen in my entire life.

No, we saw Space Jam 2 together. What? We saw Space Jam 2. Space Jam 2 is in its own special category, though. I can't believe we went to the cinema to watch Space Jam 2. You were so angry about it. Because the acting in it is horrific, and the editing is somehow worse.

There's a moment where they cut... And I know I spoke about it on this after we watched it. There's a moment. Meatballs. Yeah, where LeBron James' wife in it goes, we're having meatballs for dinner. And it cuts to him. And he looks right down,

like he's looking just off the camera like that. And there's about four seconds. And he goes, that's my favorite. And then goes in for his dinner. But it's like they've got, right, ready, ready, action. You know what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favourite.

And they've left it all in. It's fucking insane. You know they didn't trust him if they said action and they went, do you know what you're doing? So, Adam, how would you play that line then? How should it be played properly? I'll cue you up. How would you play LeBron? I'll cue you up. So I you play LeBron? I'll cue you up.

So I'm doing, we're having meatballs for dinner and you're going to deal, that's my favourite in the most convincing way. Okay. We're having meatballs for dinner. Shit, that's my favourite. Oh, he can do Morgan Freeman. Space Jam 2.

Shit. Bitch, that's my favourite. Cooking up. Oh, mama cooking tonight. I'm the only crowbar that's in for the joke. And he's got a machine where if you say ball, it fires a ball at you. So the joke is he says, me ball,

and then he gets hit in the face with a ball. Here's a question. What is the greatest hangover film of all time? And I don't mean from the hangover franchise. When you're hungover. What is the best film to watch when you're hungover? Ooh, that is a good one. You have to be able to fall asleep to it then.

I don't know. I don't know. I always fall asleep if I'm watching something that will hang over me. I think it just has to be something you don't have to concentrate on every scene on because your brain does just go off when you're hung over. Maybe something like Superbad.

I like that one. Superbad's a great show. Did someone say Saving Private Ryan? Are you fucking mental? Imagine waking up, your fucking head's pounding and they're storming the beaches

at fucking Dunkirk. Fucking head banging. That's awful. Cause you've got it on low volume, so it's like. No. Steve, it's a fucking terrible show. The waves of the beach. Oh, oh, that, cause that's what everyone remembers

from Steve in private. Did you enjoy the film? What a lovely setting. What a lovely beach. I must visit Northern France. That's what Captain Tom remembered most, the waves at the beach during World War II. Yeah, do you know what?

He was too busy listening to the sea through the seashells to actually kill any Germans. What the fuck are you talking about, Sneaks? It's got to be animation. It's got to be like certain Pixar, Disney, Chicken Run. Oh, yes. Something like... Finding Nemo.

That's a great show, actually, somewhere you can just like chill it's lovely not unlike harrow and like up wallace i mean that's quite terrible isn't it i like i like being in tune with my emotions when i'm hungover so i like a romantic one like ps i love you it's a great hangover film what what you're a menopausal woman? No, I'm a man. A menopausal man. P.S. I love you. Have you seen it? Yeah, yes.

With Gerard Butler. Yeah. Leave them little fucking stupid letters. Yeah, and he loved her so much that he wanted her to move on and fuck other people because that's what love is. Is that the one with the terrible Irish accent? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you watch when you're hungover. Bah, notting hill. Where does piss porn come into it? Is that later on? Sometimes I'll pause it, but we just go on. Nice, because that's what love is. Hang on, pause that. Laura Baden, Citizen, what about that?

What? Laura Baden, Citizen. No, it's too much. I just like, I like, I get very sort of lovey, needy, and like- So too. What? So too. I think that you- I get very sort of lovey, needy, and like... Sort of. What? Sort of.

I think that you... Any rom-com or any, like, not even com, but rom, like... Rom-rom. Just rom-rom. Yeah, rom-rom. Romesh Rene. Anything with Romesh. I just really...

Nothing with Robin Williams in, because I just get sad about Robin Williams. Because I think Good Will Hunting is a good hangover film. I just, yeah. Never seen it. I just don't think I'm over his death. Never seen it. Rick, I think Good Will Hunting is a good hangover film. I just don't think I'm over his death. Never seen it. You've never seen Good Will Hunting? I know I should have, but I haven't. Oh, it's just a great film, isn't it? You haven't seen Kevin and Penny go large

back in your box? Fucking pathetic. I actually think that you're on the right lines in terms of the genre. I want to connect to it. I don't think that you can watch the right lines in terms of the genre. I want to connect to it. I don't think that you can watch anything action-y when you've got a fucking pounding headache. You can't watch cars being blown up

and people being shot to pieces. But you can't watch anything that's like a thriller or anything that makes you concentrate too much. A terrible, horrific, arguably the worst film to watch hungover I know that fucking terrifying ghost woman who's like

at the start oh my god she's my sleep paralysis demon you know that one at the start is just oh my god honestly

she's visited me in my dreams she's fucking terrifying do you know what I'm going to say Freddie shot her in his dreams I'm going to say? Freddie shot her in his dreams I'm going to say

When Harry Met Sally Menopausal woman what? For a hangover film I don't think I've ever seen her You've never seen Is that you add me up What's happening? What's Harry?

Is that that one? You add me up That's Jerry Maguire That's Jerry Maguire You've never seen When Harry Met Sally? I'll have one She's having

Yeah yeah yeah The orgasm scene I haven't seen it Freddie So I don't know thought you've never seen when you've never seen what Harry Matt's I'll have one she's having yeah yeah yeah the orgasm scene I haven't seen it I've never seen it I'll have one she's having someone's coming in the next room

but it's a cake isn't it or a pie great guess at what it is no I've seen it he goes no one has ever

faked an orgasm with me she goes yeah and she's eating the cake and she goes there you go you wouldn't be able to tell if I was faking an orgasm with me. She goes, yeah. And she's eating a cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's eating a cake, isn't she? And she goes, there you go.

You wouldn't be able to tell if I was faking an orgasm. And he's like, nope, I can tell. And then someone goes, and then she pretends to fake it. And she does it superbly well. It's such a great scene. Do you reckon a woman's ever faked an orgasm with you?

Yeah, I've said it before. I don't mind. It's fine, isn't it? But just don't do it. We don't want you to. Yeah. Do you reckon women have ever faked their orgasms with you? No. Not in a restaurant, though. It's fine, innit? But just don't do it. We don't want you to. Yeah. Do you reckon women have ever faked their orgasms with you?

No. Not in a restaurant, though. In a restaurant, every orgasm's been real. No, I reckon women have faked their enthusiasm with me, but never an orgasm. That's the same thing, innit?

You are. It's the same thing. It's not really, is it? Yeah, you can have a non-enthusiastic... You can be enthusiastic about it, but not cool. What's a non-enthusiastic orgasm? What? What's a non-enthusiastic orgasm? Oh! Done. It's not really, is it? Yeah, you can have a non-enthusiastic... You can be enthusiastic about it, but not cool. What's a non-enthusiastic orgasm? What?

What's a non-enthusiastic orgasm? Oh, done. It's just like... And you're done, pal. Yeah. Keep it going. Yeah. Plenty of room.

Yeah. Hangover film, I'm going rom-com. But I also, I don't mind a bit of School of Rock as well. I know it's got music in it, but it's just so easy to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a light, it's almost like a light com in it. Yeah.

I watched that hungover over Christmas. It was on Comedy Central. Even though it's on Netflix, if it's on the telly, I'm more likely to watch it. Can I throw out Step Brothers as just, it makes me feel better a lot of the time. Like if I just want something

that I'm going to like, that I know, and when I'm hungover, I do like a bit of simplicity. It's too funny. Yeah, it's too funny. I want to just be able to just melt. I couldn't watch Team America World Police hungover

because I piss myself laughing at it. That's too much. I think that's too much when you're hungover. What about like a coming of age film, like Jojo Rabbit or something like that? Oh no, that'd make me sad. There's some sad bits in there. I would watch Jojo Rabbit hungover

because it makes me sad because I want to feel. I've got a Jojo Rabbit book. Sometimes I feel numb when I'm hungover and I need to feel. That's why I watch rom-coms. Jojo Rabbit is another good one.

The Bucket List. Fantastic hangover film. I told you that's where the saying was coined. Did you know that? What? The Bucket List wasn't the saying before the film existed.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't know that. What do you mean? I've said this before and you just didn't believe me. The term Bucket List wasn't a thing before the film existed. Oh. Yeah. I didn't know that. What do you mean? I've said this before. You just didn't believe me. The term bucket list wasn't a thing before the bucket list film existed. I still don't believe you, even though you probably proved it that time.

I don't believe you. Yeah. No, I believe you. Coined with that film, yeah. Yeah. Same as the walk of shame. It wasn't a term before the film. They invented it.

No, I'm talking shit. See, it's believable, though. Same as Armageddon. Yeah. Shawshank Red it. No, I'm talking shit. It's believable though. Same as Armageddon. Yeah. Shoreshark Redemption, no same there. For me, it's Disney or Pixar. Toy Story. They've been ruined in my house

because they're on all the time. They're on all the time. You lucky bastard. Having kids around so you can just put cartoons on and be like, oh, it's for the kids. I'm on the fucking third choice fucking Disney and Pixar. All the classics have been done to the point we are. But also, there's some absolute

wank Disney and Pixar. Encanto's fucking shit. Not if you're my five-year-old daughter. It's the best thing she's ever seen. But it is shite. Moana's heavy. What's that? Moana. Yeah. Oh, totally. Fucking bell to film that, you know. Tangled. Better than Frozen. Tangled is fantastic. Yeah? That's Rapunzel, yeah. Tangled, better than Frozen.

Tangled is fantastic. Yeah? That's Rapunzel, yeah. Do you know what I quite liked? That Coco. But it gets sad at the end, because that grandmother who looks like a raisin starts dying. By the way, that's not a spoiler.

If you watch Coco and you're like, I can't watch this, because the 128-year-old Mexican woman is dead in the end. Didn't see it coming. Didn't enjoy it. I watch The Simpsons anyway in a hungover. I don't watch films. The Simpsons. I'll just watch 50 episodes of The Simpsons back to back.

Which are they not in a hungover as well? And that just makes me feel. The Simpsons can do that. Do you want to do any... Get ready for this. I struggle... Would you want to do acting? Are we going to keep doing films? Sorry, I just wanted to answer.

He struggles to relate to a cartoon, it's not real. Yeah, I can't help it. Because when I watch a film, I'm in it. I've told you this before. Like I am the lead character. In Lord of the Binding Citizen, I am Jedha Butler and I'm blowing everyone's head off. You know what I mean?

Is that insane, Freddie? That is insane, isn't it? No, no, no, I'd go to sleep with that. No, no, no, no. But he watches film going, that's me, that. Yeah, that's because that's me. When he watched Will Smith play Ali, he was like, yeah, that's me. That's the most on-brand thing I've ever heard for Adam. It doesn't surprise me at all.

That's how normal that is. That's how you feel emotionally. That's how you feel. How can you feel emotion about, like, have you seen Marley and Me? No, you don't watch films pretending you're the fucking lead character. I'm not pretending. I am. Okay, yeah, yeah.

That's what it does. Dan, have you seen Marley and Me? The dead dog one. Spoiler alert. Did it make you sad? No, because you've not had dogs. You'd have said yes straight away. And so you put yourself in the film.

No, I understand how empathy works, Carl. It's not the same as going, I'm the lead character in all the films I watch, but I'm not a cartoon, so I can't watch cartoons. That does sound insane. That sounds like

you just said, you're the lead character. It's not how you watch a film. Like, you can watch a story about someone else and go, wow, yeah, they're going through stuff. I can empathise with that

because I've had a human experience. But they're not real unless I'm in it, are they? I've seen them in other stuff. Gerard Butler's in loads of things. Yeah. So it's really if you're them. Yeah. Because I feel like I'm part of a real thing and I can't do it with cartoons. I cried at Marley and Me. 101 Dalmatians, couldn't give a fuck. He was the dog in Marley and Me. Do you know what? I cried because they killed me.

You don't cry for 101 Dalmatians. Marley and Me killed you. No. You don't cry for Bamb they're on Dalmatians. Marley may kill you. No. You don't cry for Bambi either. You just stop drawing it. It's a channel. Stop drawing the deer. It is, innit? Yeah.

No, but like up. I mean, come on. The first scene and that. Yeah. I watched it and couldn't understand everyone's hysteria about it. Because he was one of the balloons in his head. I know, but it's couldn't understand everyone's hysteria about it. Because he was one of the balloons in his head.

I know, but it's a cartoon. He was one of the balloons. I'm not really the right person to... I was the red balloon. Oh, I was the red balloon. I'm not going to be able

to concentrate for the rest of this. I was up. Fucking shite. I just flew away. I'm not really the right person to chip in with this

because I don't really feel empathy at the best of times. We know though. So when I see it on a cartoon or anything, I feel nothing. What was the last thing that got you? If you don't feel empathy, what was the last thing,

even if it's in real life, if you don't feel a lot of it, what was the last thing that really got you? What? Like, you know, choked you up a little bit. When was the last time you cried? I almost cried when I thought my dog was going to die. Almost?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I could maybe feel about... So I felt, like, an emotion where I was like, whoa, if this gets worse quick, I might cry. Like, that's as close as I got. If you got a phone call right now telling you your missus had been hit by a truck and was on life support, would you cry? Depends how far away the hospital was. If you got a phone call right now telling you your missus have been hit by a truck on Amazon Life Support,

would you cry? Depends how far away the hospital was. Oh, we've got a question. London? Oh, fucking hell. Fred, we've got a question. At this time, we get stuck in traffic.

That we asked, there's a good one. You get a phone call, it's the middle of the summer, by the way. Okay. The weather outside is fire. Is it a World Cup year?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Like, the weather, it's outside, it's like, you know, everyone's partying. I just say my goodbyes to my Cup year? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Like, the weather, it's outside, it's like, you know, everyone's partying. I just say my goodbyes to my mum over the phone.

No, you get a phone call. We've got your wife, your girlfriend, we've got her here, we've kidnapped her. What, like, taken? Yeah, we've got her here. It's a 15-minute drive away.

Are you playing music on the way? Oh, I'm not even going. Also, you're asking the wrong person. Freddie doesn't listen to music ever. Oh, no, no, no. It's not that I don't listen to music. I think the music is overrated, so I... Music is over...

Finn? What? What are you talking... Oh, especially, Finn. I'm joking. Don't you drive to music? Doesn't it make you feel good? What's that, really?

No, no. In fact, so I've had this conversation with Rob Mulholland and our podcast have been talking so many times, right? Plug, plug, plug. We've done it so many times. He will listen to music and feel joy, sadness, pain, angst, every emotion emotion i think that's insane i get so much more out of music than i do a film or tv or any i think it's as nuts right as me getting a nice fucking dinner in a pub

and just crying because the fucking what are you because because the carvery's fucking all these roasties have fucking sent me. Like, it's as nuts as that. No, because you don't empathise with a roast. I don't empathise with music. It's just sound and songs. If you're listening to a song, like, oh, there's Mum's Dead,

doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, and your mum's dead. Who sings that? Oasis, probably. Oasis? It's a mum's dead, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Write that down, Finn.

We've got to get ideas together. Music reminds me of stuff and I release it to parts of my own life and other things that I've felt and I can do that with food as well. I get sad when I have a blue ribbon because it reminds me of my nan. Also.

Fuck off. It's not even. Fuck off. You don't have morning biscuits. What are you on about? If I have a blue ribbon, I can smell my nan's house. I get that.

Yeah. You're all insane. You are all fucking insane. By the way, what an amazing way to defend music. Yeah, you know, cause blue ribbons remind me of me nan's house. So that's music. The Beatles are shit, no they're not.

Blue ribbons and my nan's house. You don't even need the lyrics, though. Some music, it's meant to elicit an emotional response from you. This is where you are. Look, I'm happy. I'm happy to say that I'm a little bit odd. I'm not saying that I'm the norm. You're like Freddie Quinn.

I'm just saying that, you know, I don't feel like emotion like that. I don't look at somebody else, especially people that I don't know. And the people who like, you know, when like a, you know, when like a celebrity dies or something like that. And people are genuinely fucking upset. And they're like, oh my God, I can't believe that fucking so-and-so's dead. You're like, give a fuck, mate. I never met him. Do you know what I mean?

No. But what if they were important to you in your life? Did you not feel sad when Alan Rickman died? No. What? I was torn apart. Robin Williams. Robin Williams.

We mentioned him earlier. No. I can tell you exactly where I was at the time when Robin Williams' death was broken. Going to sleep. It was in Edinburgh at the stand watching daniel kitson and if you've ever been in a room surrounded by bigger fucking cunts in your life it is the just a bunch of people going oh my god well i liked his early work oh go fuck yourself you daft cunt sorry kitson or Williams? No, Rob. Whoever it was that was mourning somebody. Yeah, okay.

I just... Look, I think that there's acceptable people to mourn, and that is your immediate family. Friends? Friends. What happens if Rob died? Close friends. Rob, like, bangs his head on, like, an underpass and dies.

Oh, sorry. Rob Mulholland. Rob. Honestly, if Rob died, I'd have a replacement for him the following week. Oh, sorry. Rob Mulholland. Rob, honestly, if Rob died, I'd have a replacement for him the following week. Like, legitimately. But you'd still be like,

oh, that's sad. Honestly, I'd text Brennan that day. Were you in the car with him? Oh, no, he's responded. No, he's in the car with his head because he's tall.

Yeah. But I've told him this. I've told him this to his face. If he dies, he will be replaced instantly. I wouldn't even miss an episode. But I've told him this. I've told him this to his face. If he dies, he will be replaced instantly. I wouldn't even miss an episode. But you'd be sad. No. I'd be like, oh,

Rob's dead and then I'd move on. Is there anybody who in your life, except for the media family, you'd be sad about if he died? What happens if Adam's died? Well, you'd need a new co-host, wouldn't you? Get a new psycho. If Adam died, I'd be like, oh, damn. That's sadness.

You've got no idols. I'd probably like... What about if Fergie dies? Not from the Black Eyed Peas. If Fergie dies, would you be upset? The Duchess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sarah Ferguson, you'd be blotted.

If he died? Not really, no. I'd be like, and that's the most I'd let myself fail. Oh! Like, oh! No, I just... You'd be sad. If I died, you'd be sad. Like Voldemort. Alex Ferguson is dead! Like a fucking wookie.

You'd be sad. If I died, you'd be sad. Like Voldemort. Alex Ferguson is dead. What happens if Paul Scholes died? Paul Scholes? What happens if he died? No one has noticed. I messaged his daughter and asked her to suck her toes.

Oh, lad. Fuck you, went there, Paul, you weirdo. My favourite thing about that is that most people who watch this podcast won't know what you were talking about there. Paul Scholes, there's a video of him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't contextualise it.

No context, no. I just want people who watch this to just think that would be your immediate response. No reason whatsoever. I think he was one of the best ever Tochuers ever. All Skulls wouldn't get in the current evidence, I think.

Oh, don't Riley. Is there nobody else who could die outside of your close family? You'd be like, oh, that's sad. I'd, I'd, no, but not even like,

you've got no idols, music, acting, comedy. I'd feel I would, all right, okay. So if Adam or Dan died, I would feel a degree of sadness, right? Wow. Now...

You put that in the car. This isn't... I feel the degree of sadness. I can tell you this. Chili. I can tell you this, and I mean this nicely because you're both my friends. I wouldn't cry.

I would go to your funerals if it was a weekday during the day. I'm not giving up a weekend gig for you two. It was at least Saturday. Saturday night. Laura, Laura, just so Freddie doesn't turn up. Saturday night, we'll do another. We've got a DT.

I'd feel a degree of sadness. You both probably get a good tweet. Oh, nice. Like, you know, I'd feel sad. It's hard to keep living with all this excitement. I mean, it goes down in... I don't think I'd cry if any of you died. You what?

I don't... If I'd denied you'd cry. I don't think I would. I'd be very, very sad, but I don't think I'd cry because I didn't cry when my mum died. I think you're better than my mum. Suck your mum. I'd cry more if Freddie died

than some of my immediate family. If Carl died, I'd be like, shit, I'd feel for you. I'd be like, that's a shame. If Finn died,

I'd be like, oh, I know Finn. And if Steve died, I'd be like, which one's Steve? The one who's the same as you. If Carl died, I'd be sad. And I know his mum would be sad.

But then, you know, we might have a little grief. What, his girlfriend? No, his mum. Oh, right, okay. Is that better? I don't know. Who's your idol? Who's my idol?

Who's your idol? Who's my idol? Who's your idol? Who is your idol? I'm moving the conversation on like a goblin. I don't really think I have an idol. My accountant from 2016. Do you know what? I quite like Patrice O'Neill but he's already dead, so.

So he comes back to life and then dies again, he said. Like Dirty Den. You've got no idols. Patrice O'Neill, but like I say, he's dead. No living idols, really. I like comedians, I guess. Alright, Bill Burr is an idol. I wouldn't cry if he died. I wouldn't cry if Bill Burr died. I'd be upset, I guess. All right, Bill Burr is an idol. I wouldn't cry if he died.

I wouldn't cry if Bill Burr died. I'd be upset. I'd go, oh, that's a shame. No, you'd go, ah. And then just keep scrolling. Yeah, but I'm just not like, look, there's some people who are super emotional and get really worked up about everything,

but I'm more of a logic person. I'm more of a, okay, what's next? Do you know what I mean? Sexy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about telly? Like, I watched Ganesha Natavie last night,

and it got me bad. And now I'm not watching it for a week because they've pissed me off. What? You watched a TV program, and someone died, and you were so upset that you're giving yourself a week's abstinence

in order to let yourself recover emotionally. He shows them your act. Are you insane? No, I won't say who it is, but he's just died and it pissed me off. I was that upset

that I'm not watching it for a week. Yeah, I get it. I don't think Freddie... No, not at all. They don't deserve me to look back. Like, they've pissed... No? No. To be fair, I don't think Freddie... No, not at all. They don't deserve me to look back. Like, they've pissed...

Like, it's... No? No. To be fair, I don't really watch an awful lot of TV because I feel like, especially with box sets nowadays, I feel like I don't know what to commit to. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you think about, should I watch something,

you think, that's like two days of my life. What do you do? I watch... He just pretends to sleep with women and children. Yeah, I get a lot of early nights. I'm going to make my own film. It does work. Cut you off.

What do you do? I wank about four times a day. I think that's probably it. Oh, wow. Do you? Maybe not always four, but I wank regularly. Quite often what I do is I pre-wank. No, pre-wank's not the right word.

So what I do... You, like, warm yourself up, like, cook them the meat for your roast. No, no, no. What I'll do is, right, you can't leave me fucking hanging with this, I swear to God. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you're like, look, I don't feel like, I don't feel horny per se, but I'm going to have a wank because if I don't,

then it will just be on my mind all day and I've got shit to do. Oh, you are when you don't do anything? Oh, my God. Is that not a thing? That's like a tactical wank. Yeah, tactical wank. That exists. Yeah, but it's usually for a date,

not just a day of admin and not listening to music. Yeah, tactical wank. That exists. Yeah, but it's usually for a date, not just a day of admin and not listening to music. No one else does that. Wakes up and- No one else, no one else is like, I'm gonna have a wank, I've got a busy day, I've got shit to do. Tires you out.

What? You know what I mean, you're tired. Yeah, it makes me lethargic, I would have worn it. No, no, no, no. I can start your day off, but I'm horny every time I wake up. You're horny every time you wake up. Honestly, he's had some naps on that couch

that get pretty weird just afterwards. Adam, we need to start re-recording. Yeah, just fucking crack him on out. No, that's honestly four times a day. Not every day. No. What's your average? What's your batting average?

Two a day. At least, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Every day. I'm day. No. What's your average? What's your batting average? Two a day. At least, yeah. Oh my God. Every day. I'm getting bested here. Most days. I'm a jizzy person. I used to be a twice a day man.

I'm more like one every two days. But this is how I know. You know when like Me Too was happening? This is how I knew that I'd never fucking done anything because it's like bleeding a radiator, isn't it? The minute that I feel too dizzy, I have a little wank and then it bleeds the radiator

and I fucking calm myself. I knew I'd never done anything because I've never done anything. So many sex crimes would be avoided if men just wanked more. You know what? That's not a hill I want to die on. Actually, I renounce what I've just said.

I renounce it. That's not true at all. What I mean is, is that some blokes need to, you know, if you wank a lot, it regulates you. Yeah. The guys who are like, I've slept with someone. You're like, come on, mate. Like, did you crack one out and then need to have an affair?

Or was it just a physical? Maybe you've fallen in love. Maybe you're not happy in your relationship, fair enough. But I think sometimes a tactical crack out could save a lot of mortgages. Post-wang clarity. Marriages. Tactical crack.

I don't think a trip to Poland is going to help anyone. But I agree with you in that, especially I think you've said it in a better way than I've said it, in that if you're somebody who chases fuckingases fucking horn yeah if you chase puss constantly have a wank a bit more it's just easier yeah dan bills it fucking living what about have you ever just for the in this in in the name of science seeing because there's a there's the the whole incel thing and there's a really weird movement now, isn't there,

where you're like, that's your sort of life force. You see some crazy social media stuff about, yeah, you don't masturbate because that's your life force as a man and you're draining it from yourself. Keep it up, stock it up. Have you ever- Well, like how Manny Pacquiao

doesn't like bloodletting before a fight because he thinks it's gonna have you ever just if you if you're on a two to four day average yeah have you ever for the just to see what happens gone like a week uh so i've never gone a week i've gone about five days before what was happening on day five just it was like it oh it came out it was like fucking churned butter. It was horrible. Oh, please. God. Space off our bollocks. But did you feel alive? You what, sorry?

Did you feel like... I felt like a weight had been lifted. Literally? Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, the weight of your bollocks is... Well, I've always said, just take the weight off them. It's a lovely thing to do. My mum was going for the wee before,

holding his bollocks instead. She didn't appreciate that wee before, old as bollocks instead, you'll appreciate that. How big are your bottles? Big enough. Yeah. Respect. I've got big enough bollocks. Why do I keep agreeing to come on this? I feel like every time I come on, I say something ridiculous.

I feel like you Louis Theroux me every fucking time I come on here. What we do is we ask you very basic questions. Like, how do you get to sleep at night, Freddie? I just present them to my mother and women and children. Oh, you've got me again.

You've got me saying stuff again. You're always tricking me. Next question. Should we talk about wanking? No, it's not. That was a separate thing. Surely porn's empathy though, because you're looking at the man going,

that must feel good. Give you an erection. Surely porn what? You're empathising for the man. Well, right. I got offered to do porn about a week ago. So. I wonder who by.

So by legendary porn producer Dick Bush, who was on... Oh, shit. Oh, Dickie Bush. Oh, cool. Yeah, we had him as a guest on Dead Men Talking, and he is... To meet Dickie Bush, the old umpire.

Yeah, he's making porn as well. So Dick Bush is a porn producer for Brazzers. And so Dick is kind of like... What's Dick like for nothing? So what Dick did with porn is kind of like what you guys did with podcasting, in that he kind of raised the game, put fucking dead good cameras in there

and made everything 4K. So it's kind of like the Havel word. And he's asked you to go on. Yeah, just like us. We had him on Dead Men Talking, right? And one of the things that I mentioned is that I'd always like to be in porn, but not like fuck anyone.

Cause I just, I don't think I could. You want them to fuck you? No. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a four wanker day, man. There's nothing left. Are you the pizza guy? Hey, I've got a pizza. Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a four wanker day, man. There's nothing left. Are you the pizza guy?

Hey, I've got a pizza. Oh, you're fucking. Quite literally, right? So they. What porn? Is there a pizza guy that comes in? Sorry, sorry to interrupt. But this wasn't paid for on card.

And I am going to have to come back in about 20 minutes because I forgot your honey and mustard dip. Sorry. Carry on. That famous pizza scene. Oh, I've got your pizza. Oh, you're fucking. I'll just pop it there for when you're finished.

That's deaf. Oh, I'm. No. It has big shots of pizza. I've got an unnecessary porn extra. I've come to fix you. Oh, shit. You're having sex already.

I'm a useless plumber here. I can't. Alright, see you later. So, I got asked to be an evil villain in some porn, right? Which I think is, again, it's on brand, isn't it? How long is this porn that you can become a villain? So,

they wanted me for three days overshooting in the end of January, and it was down in Essex way in the end of the end of january and it was down in essex way and because of the dates i just couldn't make it work around gigs and stuff what do you mean what yeah make it work i couldn't i physically couldn't because i it literally was like friday saturday and thursday i think and i just have to cancel a full funeral on saturday it's got a double two fun funerals, one night. Yeah, I just, I couldn't make it work.

But otherwise, I would have fucking loved to have done it. Like, who wouldn't? I don't think I could do porn and not be actually involved. You know what I mean? Maybe you could just empathise with the lead fucking shagger. No, if I'm watching it, yeah. But like, if I was there, I'd be like, get out the way, I lost her, I was done.

Can you get the supervillain off the set, please? He's done. Come here, girl. With consent, obviously. You're not like, just get out the way, here I come. Fucking put the pizza on the side. Yeah, obviously. Oh, my God, is that Adam Rowe?

He knows how to do this better. Come on, babe. Yeah. Is that how it go in your head? Yeah. All right, cool. Why don't we all, can we all? What?

I feel like that's a bit of a, you're comedian and podcaster i know it didn't work timings wise i feel like you've missed out oh mate i'd love i'd love to uh do it but i feel like i mean they shoot porn all the time i feel like i'll have another opportunity i want local porn preston, no. Can we do it? X, have a word, dead men, make a porno. Yeah, I'd fucking defo do that. Well, I mean, we know Rebecca Goodwin,

so we've got a porn star in the making. No, let's get a good one. I'm just messing about. Who's our representative? Finn. Finn. Finn.

Finn's our representative. I'm not sure Finn's still be working with us he's got that look at his eyes no tribunals yeah no tribunals correct Finn

fuck the woman or leave there you go hey you're over time let's have a break I think I need it we have some

correspondence you had a puff in the break didn't you I had a puff in the break, didn't you? I had a puff in the break. I can see it on the floor. There was loads of smoke on the floor because you were puffing a vape. You thought the camera was on fire.

Is this like, are you not allowed to vape or something? I don't know. It's just fucking stupid. It's like a 41-year-old man who started vaping. He's not using it to get over smoking. He's just began vaping. I'm using it to get into vaping i he hasn't he's not using it to get over smoking he's just began vaping i'm using it to get into vaping so i've actually just started vaping myself but we don't you're trying to get off your weed i don't i don't vape the stupid little fucking you know this smells like fucking

cinnamon or whatever yeah that's weird no i've got ketamine in this oh that's fine that's absolutely fine i'm gonna get it have you seen that they're using ketamine to get alcoholics off the old woo wagon? Off the woo woo wagon. On the wagon. Get off the wagon. Get off the wagon. Get on the woo wagon.

Is that what they're doing? Yeah, they're using ketamine to treat alcoholism. They also use it to, like, I didn't know this, but my mate's kid broke his arm and they didn't want to put him under fully so they give him loads of ketamine and basically put him in a k-hole to put his arm back together yeah and he came out of he was like mommy i had really weird dreams you're like you got fucked up for free kid that's what happened you did with horses don't they as well yeah but

i mean i i that's the thing in it ketamine's a tranquilizer that's usually been using horses. I didn't know kids were getting put in a K-hole to fix arms. I did a gig on Ket once. I did a festival at Antwerp Mansion in Manchester. You know that fucking shithole in Levenshulme? Yeah. You know? Yeah, and it was an all-day festival,

and they insisted that we all get there for 12 even though we were on at like eight o'clock and i was like i'm gonna be fucking off my tits and they were like oh well you can enjoy yourself and then um katie true love remember her yes i do she was uh she was she'd been in glastonbury the week before before the week before and she was like I found some MDMA that was on the floor in Glastonbury going and I I had someone it was cat and I crashed and fell asleep on this crappy old sofa. And then somebody started waking me up and slapping me. It was like, you're on stage now.

And then I did 20 minutes. I can't even fucking remember it. You did two, but it felt like 20. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Dan. So vaping, eh? What am I like? Bloody hell.

I'll take the banter. Vaping. Anyway, got some correspondence. Yeah. Freddie, you mentioned in the break that there's something with your Discord chat. Oh. Oh, sorry. Smooth.

Hang on. I'll get it in. Freddie, what happened in your Discord? Well, it's funny you should mention so we've got a discord Freddie sorry can I stop you you've got a discord

we have got a discord for dead men talking the podcast yeah try not to the spin off podcast yes you're like Joey go on

yeah what's the spin off from this pretty much no you are not like us you are vile oh yeah that is that is true.

But it spun off from the roast, didn't it? So off the back of the roast, if we hadn't have done that. God, that's fucking eggy. You are not like this. You are vile. Oh, no, yeah, but it is a spinoff. I'll give you that.

I mean, to be fair, you are right. It's fucking quality, though. No, no, no. I'm not saying it's not good. It's fantastic, but it's... Check out Dead Men Talking. It's fucking great. fucking great thanks guys we're also going on tour this year in may deadmentalkpod.com uh so on our discord uh somebody came into our discord right let me rephrase this do you ever worry a little bit about what fan base you might be curating yeah every day

so no we had we had a thing on our Discord, and I can't mention too much about this, but a guy came in completely unannounced to do an impromptu Q&A, and he was currently on trial for aggravated GBH and attempted murder. And he put up some pictures of weapons and the aftermath of using said weapons.

And he invited us all to come down and support him on his court date. And you're going. Oh, my fuck, what? Outside with like free Deirdre Barlow t-shirts. Fuck that shit. That was a really good story, that and Corrie though. The free Deirdre.

The Deirdre Barlow. Can we talk about Katie True, love? There's a really good story in that in Corrie though. The free tea. The drink she bought. No, she's fresh. Can we talk about Katie True, love? Freddie, you need to go and make content. Not in the cork, it's not allowed. But come on. What's his name?

I'm not allowed to mention anything. Paul Buddle. It's Paul Buddle. He's aggravated the man's thought. He's gone off in the world. It's not that Paul Buddle. Eventually. He does get that a lot, though.

I actually almost did a Good Morning Britain episode with Paul Burrell literally last month. Why? They wanted me to go on and discuss with Paul Burrell about when was too early to turn your Christmas lights on. What's going on with you and Good Morning Britain? Freddie, I'm not being funny. I'm so glad you're getting success.

I'm really glad they've meant it. It's not success it's not success why do you keep turning up on ITV because we got rid of Piers Morgan and they were like

we need another cunt who everyone hates so what producer's gone hang on Christmas lights someone ring Freddie Clear and Paul

so honestly they get me on for the most random fucking things and I am convinced that they have no idea about my back catalogue as a comic, because otherwise they wouldn't come anywhere near me. But they started off asking me to discuss about whether or not actors

should be allowed to wear fat suits for certain roles. And I did it with like a fat activist who was just so fucking hard work. I was going to say fat then. fat activist who was just so fucking hard work i can say fucking well to be fair to be fair there's never this there's never been any thin fat activists has there like like there's never any thin people that are just like i just want more fat solidarity like it's always bigger people but it was also great because you got to go i'm obese yeah like you literally got you they could i didn't use the word obese what did you say no but a doctor would wouldn't he no freddie on that i watched that interview you might have done actually you literally went i'm they couldn't

it was beautiful because you got to poke the fat bear. But you got to go, listen, no one watching it could go, well, this is bullying. Because you got to go, I'm fat. Well, I actually, as well, I had a killer line lined up for it. So she was a big black lady who was doing it right. And she was like, only fat. I hope her race is relevant in this story. She was like.

It's definitely not. She was like. She was like, she was like, but her thing was only fat people should be allowed to do the voice where fat rolls. Right. And my thing was going to be right. What do you think about having a black James Bond? Because I'm all for it personally.

And I bet she's all for it but james james bond isn't black so you can't have one and not the other where's the comparison there pardon i don't see where the analogy like comparison is because because because because if you're if you're a if you're saying that a thin person can wear a fat suit to play a role because they're... If you're saying only fat people... Yeah, but isn't the analogy black enough then? What, sorry? Or white enough?

No, no, no. Because if you're saying only fat people should play fat roles, then surely only white people should play white roles. Only black people should play black roles. Only this should play this. Only that should play that. It's like when everyone kicked off because they had a black handball in. It's like, who gives a

flying fuck? Who cares? I think there's a pretty much a consensus that only black people should play black characters. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm thinking. I think Robert Downey Jr. might have put that one to bed. I don't know about that.

You know, I've got an audition next week to play Kunta Kinte, so... That is an ASMR I'd listen to. Adam playing a black person trying to get me to sleep. I'm in. But that was going to be my thing, is that if you're only letting people play, you know, then you're pigeonholing everybody.

And I just want to see... I want to see who the best actor is. And I also want to see different actors playing in different worlds, right? Like you want to see them bringing different things. There is a little bit of a difference, isn't there? Because a thin person, hang on, let's get this right.

A thin person in a fat suit is pretending to be a fat person. If there's a black James Bond, the character's black. It's not a black person whiting up. Exactly, that's what I mean. Okay, no, I'm with you, actually. That does make sense.

Well, it's a good job I didn't bring that up then, isn't it? No, you absolutely smashed it. It was great. And she wasn't a total dick or anything. She was making her point, but it was nice to see you. It was a very satisfying...

You'd been brought on as the sort of fat expert the bad the bad guy yeah this guy doesn't give a fuck about anyone's but you won with logic it was it was a really and then off the off the back of that i was invited back to go and talk about um roman kemp not being able to use his washing machine. The two of them? It was a talk about whether or not millennials lack life skills, right? Absolutely. So anyway, they rung me at five o'clock

and it was summer and it was fucking roasting and I was already like four cans in, right? And they said, you need to be at the studio. I can't believe I'm fucking grassing myself up with this story. They said, you need to be at the studio i can't believe i can't believe i'm fucking grassing myself up with this story they said you need to be at the studio for six o'clock the following morning you need to drive down uh in the morning so i would have had to set off at two o'clock in the morning and so i thought what time do they need you there six a.m so i was like shit okay well i i hatched a plan and my plan was i'm already four cans in if i have a bottle of wine i'll be able to get to sleep for about eight o'clock

nine ten eleven twelve one two six hours drive down that's how we'll do it right so i had myself a bottle of wine and then after that I was pissed, and so I was on the fucking whiskey and stuff, and I got to sleep at about 11, but I was like, I'll be fine. Are you sniping people in there? I woke up. Yeah, but the shots were everywhere.

Oh, fucking hell, didn't mean to kill that one. Even in his own fantasy, missus. I woke up at 2 o'clock in the morning, and I immediately was like, oh, I'm still shit-faced. There's no way I can make this four-hour drive. You didn't drive. What?

You didn't drive. So luckily they give you a 24-hour emergency thing. So I rung up and I was like, hello. I was like, I am awfully sorry. I'm very embarrassed. But I've gone to set off for this thing that i absolutely was going to go to and i've got a flat tire and so it's 2 a.m yeah and they went oh well we might be able to send a car and i was like oh fuck off and so i was like okay and they went well we'll

give you a call back in 10 minutes i was was like, fine. So, waited up for 10 minutes, phone call comes back, they said, we can't send a car, you'll have to do it via Zoom, which is what I did last time, it's a piece of piss, you just open your laptop up. They went, but, they went, it's quite funny how you couldn't change a tyre and we're talking about millennials' life skills. I was like, yeah, how ironic.

Can't change a tie your bladder? Well, they went, they went, they went, we'll use it in the debate. And I was like, oh shit. And they went, can you send us a picture of your car?

And I went, oh fuck. So I went, Did you have to go and slash it on tire? So I went, no, no, no. There's no way Freddie would slash a pervert. You're way too tight to put a fucking knife in a tire. So I was like, look, I was panicking a bit now because I was like, shit.

I went, look, listen. I said, it's two o'clock in the morning. It's dark outside. I'll send you a picture in the morning thinking they'll just forget. Anyway, seven o'clock comes around. You know, I'm up. I'm ready to do the thing

they went oh don't forget to send us a picture of your tire it's like fuck so i googled flat tire good on on google right and i went to about page six and i picked a flat tire and then i zoomed in and cropped it on like a fucking photo editing app. And then I put a little filter on it. So I was like, they can't Google reverse image search it. And then I sent them that. And then that was the story that they fucking led. That was Nina, my scout shouting at me going, Oh, I can't believe you can't change a tire.

And I was like, Oh no, what am I like hung over as fuck? I can't change a tire. I don't need to. Well, this is it. This is it. Well, she said, right, so here's the thing. She was like, millennials lack life skills. And I said, no, they just have different skills.

I said, everybody who is in their 20s knows how to set up a mobile hotspot, like, on their phone. I was like, I bet you have no idea. And she was like, you're ageist, blah, blah, blah. And then that was the end of it. I'm sorry, what? She'd gone on to slag off millennials. Yeah.

You literally reversed the, and she called you an agist. Yeah, I don't know if you're familiar with Nina Maiskow's work. Is she in our bed? Yeah, pretty much. She's a thick cunt. With two Cs on a K. I don't know who she is. So, and then off the back of that,

I ended up going down to the studio for the next one and I discussed whether or not you should ever be able to take the piss out of people's accents with someone from Married at First Sight. How did I get offered that job? Al Pacino. But yeah, that's... Basically, once every three months they'll message me with

some absolutely fucking random shit do you know i mean oh fucking they want you to discuss whether or not you should pick up dog shit with wilf from the traitors and i'm like yeah you're good on it but what's the why are you doing it is there a fee uh yes there's a fee. Oh, okay. Five grand to go. Five grand. So you get paid for it, but also as well, it's kind of, going into the studio and stuff,

it's kind of like, the novelty hasn't worn off for me yet. Do you know what I mean? The novelty? It is a novelty. Good morning, Ben. Dead men talking host. And good morning, Britain. Do you lack life skills though?

Because I definitely do. What? If someone's in my house needs to do it, I'll just ring the handyman who can do it. What life skills do you lack? I couldn't change a tyre. Could you hang a TV on a wall? Yes.

I could probably do that because I've seen it enough maybe. Oh my God. When you trust yourself, you trust your skills. No, I'm trusting the bracket. To put a 600 pound, 800 pound tally, whatever you, that's where,

I'd be like, maybe I could try and stick a picture up. I'm shit with drills. No, I put it on and then I just do all that. Laura doesn't trust me with the furniture.

She makes it. Maybe I could try and stick a picture up. I can't drill. I fuck drill. You don't even need to with pictures. You can get sticky

little fucking hangers and stuff. They do most of. I fuck drill. You don't even need to with pitchers. You can get sticky little fucking hangers and stuff. They do most of the times they do. Could you change an oil filter? I don't even know what an oil filter is. Right. It's in your car, innit? I'll take it to the garage. On a chip pan? Yeah. Change the oil filter on a chip pan.

They hate me at my local garage when I take my chip pan in. It's not what we're for. They do it anyway. I think they overcharge me. I can't do anything because other people can. And I mean, I'm in a very privileged position that I can pay them to do it.

But I can't do anything. I serviced my washing machine. Like, didn't service it. Basically, they just took the filter thing off, cleared it out, put it back on, and phoned Laura to tell her how well, I told her how well I'd done. That's how much of an idiot I am with life skills.

I was like, you've done it, Dan. I'm so bad at this stuff. I've lived in my flat for a year, and last week I figured out how to make my washer dry. I do both jobs at the same time. Yeah. And he still wears clothes. I was made up last night and I remembered it was bin day because it's changed because of the

fucking holidays. I love my bin shoes. It's fucking great. It feels like a game. He used to just throw shit down whenever he wants. Well, I live on the 14th floor. DIY I can't do because I don't want to do it myself. You do it. Yeah, but surely, surely like... You do it.

If there was a... All right, what do you think... Let's do it you. What do you think is the most basic bit of DIY that you could do, Carl? So let's say... Give me one, I'll say yes or no.

Let's say, okay, 50 grand was on offer here if you could do it successfully to a passable standard. Doesn't have to be amazing. That's not real. Just ask me if I could do it or not. Okay.

You've got a motivation. Because I'll do anything for 50 grand. Okay. So could you assemble an Ikea bed frame? Yeah. I assembled an Ikea bar unit thing the other day, like two or three days ago. That's not DIY though.

It's not far off DIY really. It's not DIY. All flat pack furniture is DIY because you're doing it yourself. Sort of. I nearly threw myself off the roof and I've built this exact unit before because it's out there.

We've got something that we had in the original studio in Runcorn out there, a Fiablo bar unit. I got one of them for me flat. And honestly, I wanted to kill myself and everyone I know and love. Don't do that. Go on, keep going.

I could do that because that's not the idea. That's not. That is a basic life skill, but I feel like everyone could fake that. Okay. Could you... You said you couldn't affix a TV to a wall. Could you bleed a radiator?

I don't even know what that is. No, hang on. That's not the game. I've just made men older than me talk. No, I can't. The game isn't... No, just ask me if I can or can't. Don't need to, next one. No, is that when you turn the thing and it goes,

whee! Sorry, sorry, do that again for me. Is that what the, what? Bleeding a radiator is just like Bobby Charlton for me. My grandad mentioned it once, and I've never really looked into it. What I do for that is go, be cold in here, turn the heating on, the radiator comes on, and I'm going to go it's a bit hot, turn it off again. But if it starts

making tapping sounds... I ring the plumber. Right, you see... If it starts making tapping sounds, you know what I do? I turn it off, I never turn it on again. If you... So bleeding a radiator, how much does that key cost? Four quid? Three quid? Yeah. And you just put a little thing, that's, I can do that. Because if you call a plumber to bleed a radiator,

you're paying the call-out charge for him to be like, you're a fucking moron. Yeah, honestly, it's more embarrassing to have to be in the same room as somebody who just does that. It is, because I don't know how easy it is because I don't watch him do it. So I just go, that's the one that's fucked lad.

And then I just go and have a wank or a shit. Do you know what? Go on then, how long are there gonna be, two minutes? Wank. Do you know what, I feel embarrassed. So I've got a cleaner, right? That comes round once a week and cleans. Yeah, but I feel embarrassed

when she comes in and it's dirty. Like, you know when she comes in and it's dirty no you know when she comes in and she judges you and she's like you're lucky i'm not doing it i i honestly i'm paying her for the reason i used to be exactly the same and i've just got an attitude but now joan we did the christmas day thing in mine and all like uh dishes and stuff i took back to my flat from the room we did it in i just left them on the side and i texted them. I was like, do you want an extra day tomorrow? She was like, yeah. I went, the old place is fucked. I let it in.

I let it in and I just went out. The old place is fucked. We wish you a Merry Christmas. I was just like, yeah, you sort it. Ta-da. Yeah, since we've had a cleaner, they come once a month, once a week, sorry, on a Monday. Our house is so much cleaner. It's great, isn't it? But it's not just because of a cleaner. They come once a month, once a week, sorry, on a Monday. Our house is so much cleaner.

It's great, isn't it? But it's not just because of the cleaner. It's because Laura guilt cleans. Yeah. No, don't do it. No, it's a working class guilt thing. I'm like, oh. I do a pre-tidy.

I make sure there isn't like underwear on the floor. But I won't clean. I had a argument with my other half ones because we, well, we do it every time we stay in an Airbnb. He messes it up. I do, yeah.

I mess it up more. Every time we stay in an Airbnb, at the end of the stay, she'll clean up. And I'm like, we pay a cleaning fee. What the fuck are you doing? Clean or tidy? What, sorry? Clean or tidy?

What is the difference? Well, tidy is a much presentable... Well, there is definitely a difference. Okay. Clean is like on your hands and knees with marigolds on, spraying a skate. If she tidies up like she folds the bed,

that's just normal. Wiping down the sink is cleaning, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay, she tidies then, which I still think is insane. That's not that crazy. No, I don't, yeah.

It's showing a bit of respect to the people you're getting it from. You pay a cleaning fee? No, we're showing a bit of respect for them. I'm with Freddie. But the cleaning fee... If I'm paying for it, I'm not doing it. Exactly.

The cleaning fee includes tidying. I'll tell you what, give me 50% of that fucking fee back and I'll tidy up a bit. If not, you do it your fucking self. I'll leave crisp on the floor. I'll stand on them. I'll put chocolate up the walls.

No, see, that's clean, isn't it? Do you know what, though? If a cleaner came in and sold loads of chocolate up the walls. No, see, that's clean, isn't it? Do you know what, though? If a cleaner came in and sold loads of chocolate up the wall, they wouldn't go, that's chocolate, would they? Hang on. Nestle. Dirty bugger. This fucking lad has just smeared,

what sits on the floor and smeared his shit up the wall. But to be fair, Barbara, he has paid a cleaning fee. If anything, he's making work. Job creation. Good on him. It's contributing to the economy. What else can I do? Hang on, I've got one for you.

Because I went to Halfords and had my light bulb changed on the front of my car. And I did that thing where you go in and you find out which one it is and then have to check with someone that works there. And they're like, yeah, cool. If you just go and wait outside, we'll come and fit it for you for an extra 20 quid i was at the time 36 37 years old a 22 year old girl came out and fitted it for me she knows and

you don't like i had that moment like damn sort yourself out you're gonna no you don't need to know you don't work at halfords no guess what i didn't do it and i still don't know how to change i'm not touching my car. I just felt ashamed. I'll just take it to the garage because they know how to do it. If I break it, which is probably what... When a light bulb goes, though.

I don't know how to do it. Yeah, okay, good. But that's the difference. These are... There's some things with cars, you're not like fucking change the cam belt. We get it.

But a one bulb... That's actually the one thing I know how to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you not feel embarrassed, though? I've got a flat tyre. Is it the cam belt? So the embarrassment shouldn't come from,

you don't know how to do it. That's fair enough. If you don't know, you don't know. However, you're what, nearly 30? You should have got this knowledge by now. That's where the embarrassment comes from. My house alarm the other day was beeping. It was going, doo-doo.

Remember? It kept beeping in my house. And I rang the fella. I went, hey, this is doing me. And he told me I had to do it over the phone. I couldn't do it. So I went, can you come and do it? He came out and did it.

And then apologized for charging me 40 quid. Because I have got to charge you 40 quid. It's cool. I don't know how to do it. Sorry, he gave you the instructions over the phone. Yeah, I couldn't do it. And then he ended up having to charge you 40 quid to come to your house to do what he told you to do over the phone. Because I couldn't do it. And then he ended up having to charge you 40 quid to come to your house

to do what he told you to do over the phone. Because I couldn't do it because I'm not a fucking alarm technician. I set my fire alarm off making belly pork a couple of weeks ago

and I just had to run out of my flat and run downstairs and get the man. Dad! There's always a man and I'm not the man and I'm fine with that. I've got no insecurity

about it at all. I'm not embarrassed. There's somebody who fine with that. I've got no insecurity about it at all. I'm not embarrassed. There's somebody who can do it better than me. I won't mess it up. Are you learning by your mistakes? I could have broke the alarm. Six grand, that lad. No, 40 quid to make sure it's done right.

No, I know, but I think that you have to... I can't do it. I think that you have to show that you attempt... You reasonably attempted it. I don't think you gave enough reasonable attempts. You don't know that, though. Could you be don't think you gave enough reasonable attempts. Could you be honest and say you gave your best effort? He's on to him. Fucking leave him alone. You're the cunt who doesn't believe in himself.

I was stood on a chair trying to change the sensor and I couldn't. I was like, I'm going to break this. And he's going to go, that sensor is a million pounds now. And I go, no. It is a problem with having million pound sensors, isn't it? If I had million pound sensors, I might ask someone. What are those million pound sensors sensing that's worth more than them i'm just saying you don't have to be able to do everything and don't feel insecure if you can't

yeah someone can help you no i think you should feel guilty i think if you don't know how to do basic things you should feel bad why because you should know how to do basic things. Why? Because you should, you just should. It's like, basically, in my head, it's like you not knowing how to wipe your own arse and having a man for it. I would absolutely... I've got a man for it. I've literally got a man for it. I've got a new toilet seat who wipes my arse for me. My toilet seat does clean me up.

Not quite literally. You know, when you say literally. Oh, it's a different life when you've got 18,000 patrons, isn't it? It's a different fucking life. I just don't want to do it wrong and end up paying more. You know what I mean? I'll break it. His arsehole.

I'll do it wrong. Go on. What else? I couldn't put a shelf on the wall because I'd pull the wall down. What do you mean you'd pull the wall down? I'd drill through a wire which would set some kind of fire on. I burn me out. You drill through the wall

that sets some sort of fire off? Yeah, the electric wire behind there. You go, that's the biggest wire in the house. That's the fire wire. That's the biggest. It's where all the fire comes and goes. All the flames in your house come through your fire wire.

Try to be careful. I'm just saying, I'm too much of an idiot. If I learn something, I'll do it. I won't ask, but if I know I can't do it, I'm happy for someone else. What doesn't make sense to me is that

you set up this studio with cameras that are worth more than fire wires. Here's the thing. We got a man. Me and Dan set the podcast up, and then me and Dan couldn't be arsed figuring out how to edit, so we got Carl in. There was so much for how to edit so we got Carl in and then there was

so much for them to do we got Finn in and then Matthew pretty much knows how to do everything so we get him to do everything they can't do

then we got these cameras and we were like we should probably get Will Hutchby in to just do all the cameras and then we were going to hire him and then we were like

we need a receptionist slash business manager so we got Steve in so you've used a bad example there this podcast is entire evidence of me and dan not wanting to do anything and just hiring everyone it takes i mean we don't have to ever press a button that we don't want to shout out harry robinson who does the producer of this

podcast and i don't know how to turn them cameras on and that is a fact because you don't know literally exists because you just outsourced your job to someone else you're like russian And that is a fact. All of you literally exist because you just outsourced your job to someone else. You're like Russian dolls of incompetence. Yeah, I'm not the fucking top mate. You get someone who can do it better than you and it works better. Oh my God.

Should we do some Habba words? Yeah. I'm ready for that. He's on good morning. thanks for being a listener um i can't i can't listen to this because i always i tried listening back when you guys first started i tried after lockdown when you started getting guests i tried listening but i can't do it because you you're my mate so it makes me feel like i want to chip in and i watch yours but okay that's up to you what's the question then i tried to listen to yours but i just got a man to do it

he's killed himself. It's weird. I've never watched anything you've ever done. Alexandra says, can you have a word with my fella Pete who insists on hiding cash around the house? He's self-employed and doesn't want to pay tax on everything, which I get.

But everywhere you look in the house, there's wads of cash. It's like the fucking Sopranos without guns, which we'll fucking need if someone breaks in. There's guns in the Sopranos. And cash. Tell him to work something out because he's not listening to me. That's from Alexandra.

Nah, do you, lad. Fucking ignore this. She is trying to encroach on your life like they tend to do. Sorry, what sort of middle class bullshit of a problem is this? Oh, I'm really annoyed that my boyfriend leaves loads of money around the house. You used to do that? Your old house? Not anymore. It was just like a note everywhere.

Do you remember? Yeah. If I've got cash, I just sort of just leave it. It's my flat. It's still in me flat. I've still got it. So when I used to... Probably shouldn't mention this. When I used to deal, I had a shoebox. When you used to deal, you were in the casino? What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to deal a couple of times. Deal what? Coffee. Not marijuana. Coffee pods. Did you used to be a drug dealer? Right, okay.

So I did it in 2014 and 2015 in Edinburgh. I brought up three ounces in 2014. I brought up nearly five in 2015. That's not drug dealing. What's that mean? Smach. No, just of weed. It's one of the easier borders to smuggle drugs across, isn't it?

To be fair, the English-Scottish border, not quite as bad. So the first time that I went up in 2014, I was doing Big Value. That's drug parking, by the way. In order to make it work, I literally just brought up three ounces a week because me and my mate were growing weed at the time. Should I be mentioning this? This is all a joke.

This is all a joke. Yeah, of course. It's a comedy podcast. And then on the fifth, 2015 when I was doing AAA, I came up and I was like, well, I'll bring five ounces this time. And it was like, it's a ridiculous amount. God, you've got a big arsehole.

And I went. It's not even related to the story. And there were dogs everywhere. You just remembered. There were dogs everywhere and sniffer dogs and shit. And I fucking shat myself. Where? In the car? Edinburgh Waverley. Oh, right. The train station. Not a tea bay. Who's put these sniffer? In the car? Edinburgh Waverley. Oh, right, the train station. Yeah. Not a T-Bay.

Who's put these sniffing dogs in my car? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get caught? What, sorry? Did you get caught? No, no, no, I didn't get caught. That's not drug dealing, by the way. I've thought about getting into,

now that I've got a bit of money, I've thought about getting into the drug world. I used to deal, I used to deal a little bit when I was like 18. No, you didn't. You pushed. I used to deal. You weren't a drug dealer 18. No, you didn't. You pushed. You were in a drug deal. Carl, you know in the law,

if you move large amounts of drugs to then sell, you still get fucked. Yeah, but it's like it's fucking Curtis Warren. I haven't done it yet, so they can't get me for it, can they? What did you say? But I have thought about it. Thinking's not't get me for it can they what did you say but I have thought about it thinking's not a crime is it yeah

no I think the intent is yeah I've just like I've got a bit of money and I want you know other ways of I want to create like passive income

so I'm thinking of getting a team of children teenagers yeah orphans to just yeah yeah go down the orphanage

to just do me dirty work for me because I've got a bit of money and I want a triple A. Do it in different counties. Liverpool's got a good market, I think. And all the fucking pussies who are dealing with the money, they can be fucking rolled over. Oh yeah, I know what county line's it. I thought you were saying

to him, just drug dealing Somerset. I think you'd do well. Liverpool's a bit edgy. When you have all these children that are pushing all the drugs for you and they get caught and that gets back to you and you get fucked. I'll have the police in my pocket.

It's no tribunals rule as well. I'll have the police in my pocket. I'll pay them off. Right, okay. So if you're paying the police off, why do you need the children? How are we, lad? Here's two tickets to the Philharmonic.

You know what I'm saying? Why do you need the children if you're paying the police off, why do you need the children? How are we, lad? Here's two tickets to the Philharmonic. You know what I'm saying? Why do you need the children if you're paying the police off? If you're paying the police off... Double security. From what? Because you paid the police off. Pay the police to do it. Because I still want a bit of distance in case one of the police turns on me if they become a double agent and they work for the Fuzz. The police.

So wait. So if a policeman becomes a double agent and they work for the fuzz? The police. So wait, so if a policeman becomes a double agent if a policeman becomes a double agent, he's just doing his fucking job. He's just doing what he's paid to do. He's not a double agent policeman.

He's just a policeman. I've got a natural aversion to pig cunts, so I don't trust them. So I need the kids involved as well. A double agent policeman. Look at his face. I love when he gets like this. He's like, I'm just going to say things and watch the world burn.

I love that look. I love that look. Come on, give a fuck. I'm going to say it. Get the kids involved. Get the kids involved. But I think it is a wise investment, drugs, isn't it? People are always going to do drugs.

Fact. Smack? Yeah, anything. Now, what are you going to do with the rival gangs of Liverpool? The Chechens, the Belgians. Belgians. There's loads of Flemish drug dealers by our side. They've all just gone cold.

I can't understand you, mate. You're a bit nasally. I wonder where that's from I'm from Belgium I'll just have a sit down with them oh yeah I'll arrange a sit down at that shop Kelly's Wines Kelly's Wines get the Flemish

get the Flemish who are the other drug gangs not Chechens you say no we've got the Flemish we've got the Cornish the triad oh the Cornish triad the Cornish. Oh! The Cornish Triad.

The Cornish Triad. They'll only meet you at one shop. I can't work out whether or not these are all callbacks or whether or not you're just making it up on the spot. We're just making it up, Fred. I don't get what you're doing. Is this an ad lib? Yeah, I'll just set them down and go, look, lads, there's plenty of room for all of us here.

Maybe we could advertise each other. Put my posters up in your gaffes. Honestly, that's how drug gangs work. They're like, do you know what guys? We need another share given to a new gang. It's just me though, innit? I'm a sole trader. Those famous gangster films where everyone cooperates and collaborates.

They're not documentaries, are they? Right, cool. Do you need any heavy... I don't think any of you know how the drug underworld works. Yeah, that's true. Let us know how it goes.

Adam Rowe decapitated on day three of being a drug baron by the Cornish. Pasty flakes. That's why they... Pasty flakes on the

body. You're fucking with the wrong country. Who's in your team? Stay out of Somerset. What? Who's your underbosses?

Who's your underlings? Well, you can have first names if you want. You're a lieutenant. I'm a capitan. Oh, yeah. I'm a big guy. Yeah.

I'm up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be your first customer. I don't know if this is the time to mention about the time I got technically kidnapped, but we can talk about it.

No, it's not. Thanks for listening. Yeah, it is, Freddie. i got by the cornish 17 18 there was a little shit and that i got technically kidnapped in pen with them uh broadgate oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a show and uh i got led into this over the water house and it was like a proper shithole, and then a guy, he looked like a fucking smack den, right? And there were loads of people just playing FIFA or whatever,

and then there was this guy that came up to me. His name was, should I say his name? Fuck it, his name was Slater. And he hit me in the face, but he hit me with the worst punch that I've ever had in my entire life. It was like he hit me, but like this side just sort of clipped my ear.

And so I just sort of stood up and I was like, OK. But then I thought to myself, like, I'm next on FIFA, so I'm going nowhere. No, no. I was like, look, if I stay up, he's just going to punch me again. It might hurt next time. So I'm just going to fall on the floor and like take a dive. But I've been like, it took me about three seconds to think of that. And so he hit me like that.

And I went, ah, like that. And then I fell to the floor and then people started kicking me. And then somebody got some bungee cord and tied it around my legs, and then there was a hook on the wall, and then somebody hooked it up like that, and I think the idea was to sort of hang me upside down. But you were too heavy. But I was too heavy, so I just sloped on the side. Just lay on the floor.

And I just sort of looked like a sack of potatoes for about half an hour. And what did they want? Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did they want? I'm very close to calling bullshit. Okay And what did they want? Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What did they want? I'm very close to calling bullshit. Okay.

But is this real? Yes. What did they want? Well, sorry. What did they kidnap you for? So at the time, I was dealing a little bit, but also as well, the guy called Slater was going out with a girl called LJ. Should I mention?

Oh, I've mentioned these names and i'd apparently slate her an lj yeah they're not real dan he's making them up like fucking saved by the belt go on well that's it that's the end of that story again it was about 16 17 so they kidnapped you because he was dating a girl no i'd i'd fucking and who paid the ransom to get you back what who paid the ransom to get you back no i? Who paid the ransom to get you back? No, I just left. I was literally... So literally...

That's not kidnapping, nah. So literally, right... You got invited to someone's house, he slapped you and let you go. That's not kidnapping. No, no, no. The slapping bit wasn't the worst bit. The getting kicked was the worst bit.

So that went on for fucking ages. Yeah, because that's because you, in a fight, you got punched and then decided tactically to lie down. It isn't a famous... I took a fairly decent dive, I thought. Yeah. It's not a famous move, though, is it? He does like a lie down, though.

I do as well. But I got kicked fucking loads. And then I remember a girl kicked me right in the face and she was wearing Rockies. And you know what they were fucking like? Rock Pots? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking bastard. bastard but yeah I was literally just down so I think what they thought in their mind is that they were going to hang me upside down and then that was going to be like a

thing but because I was too heavy I just sort of sloped at the side and so my legs and my torso were dangling up like that but then my shoulders and my head were like still on the floor. How long were you there for? If this ever gets turned into a film, do you think it would be right for a thin actor to wear a fat suit? What a shit film. 15 minutes long. Broadgate night. I'm just trying to go, boys.

Yeah, you're right. So, in conclusion, Alexandra, just tell him to get a Monzo account or something. Oh, shit, yeah. Nothing wrong with adding money around your house. Keep it away from the powers that be, the Matrix. Yeah, just don't hide it in stupid places.

Get good hiding places. Do you know what I mean? Hide it in your stuffed animals. Toby Haydock got five grand, Nick, from under his bed in a sock. You're like, where's he going to look? In a sock? He put five grand in a sock. Like a Christmas stocking. No, he just thought, I need to keep this. What do you, where's it going to look? In a sock? You put five grand in a sock. Like a Christmas stocking.

No, he just thought, I need to keep this. What do you mean, like a Christmas stocking? Five grand? That's not much. It wasn't in pound coins, Freddie.

It was in notes. But even so, that's too much for a sock, isn't it? No, that's a wedge. That's how big your feet are. It's all 20s. Yeah.

Where would you hide it? You know, I mean, this is a bad question. Where would you hide five grand in your house? I wouldn't. I a bad question. I wouldn't. Where would you hide five grand in your house? I wouldn't. I keep all mine in my bread bin.

I keep all mine next to the rifle next to my bed. Which they'll also steal. No, it's tied to my arm. All right. Okay, cool. Fred, where would you hide five grand in your house? What a bad question this is. Where would I hide five grand in my house?

Just keep asking it. Up your massive ass probably oh shit yeah probably bedroom under the bed I think it's got to be like as close to you

as possible like in the night time that's what people think though you just hide it as far away from you as possible don't keep it in yours put it in your next door neighbours

Australia yeah why Australia why Australia just take the five grand throw it out the window so not even you know where it is

yeah then if you they attempt to torture you by kind of putting you upside down yeah I literally don't know lads

literally 17 smack heads stop playing FIFA this guy's fucking massive amazing just put it in the bank are we yeah probably

we're done aren't we we're done I want to do one more can we do one more no no we're done Fred we know what to do yeah

Freddy tell us what we need to do you're going on tour with Rob Warhol I'm going on tour we're doing Dead Men Touring we're doing

in May we're doing Glasgow Liverpool Manchester Leeds Birmingham and London

it's me and Rob both doing stand up you have to sit through Rob but then you get to watch me Glasgow, Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Birmingham and London. It's me and Rob both doing stand-up. You have to sit through Rob, but then you get to watch me. Tickets are available at www.deadmentalkpod.com. I've got the Comedians Club Chester on Saturday the 14th of January. If you fancy coming to one of the nicest places in the North West to see one of the best bills

you'll ever see in a very nice venue with me, comparing, comediansclubchester.com. Who's on? It's Bobby Mare opening, Hayley Ellis middle, Mick Ferry close, me compare. Oh, that's lovely.

I'm doing your comedians thing in April. You are in April, yeah. My special, as you've seen at the start of the episode, is out on Wednesday, the 11th of January, which is also my birthday. Just please watch it, comment on it, like itth of January, which is also my birthday. Just please watch it,

comment on it, like it, share it, send it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, just spread the word. I want it to get as many views as possible. It's cost a lot of money to get it done.

We've paid for it myself and it is going on YouTube. There's not going to be any money coming back from it. I just want people to fucking see it. So watch it, share it, comment,

help us with the algorithm. And I've got another special coming out in February. I just want people to fucking see it. So watch it, share it, comment, help us with the algorithm. And I've got another special coming out in February. I know Dan's is coming out in a couple of weeks as well. But do me a favor, Wednesday the 11th, watch it,

share it, get it sent round. Please, if you don't mind. Vote haveaway.com as well. Please keep them coming. The National Comedy Awards. Please keep voting.

Please keep telling them to vote for us because we need to win. Love you guys. Appreciate it. Thank you, Freddie. Thanks for having me. Oh, Finn,

have you got a fucking song or something? Irish hip hop. So the guy confused me. He said it's not Irish hip hop, but, and I thought it was Irish hip hop. So it's just hip hop.

That's a confusing sentence. This is some Stafford-based hip hop. Shut up. Staffordshire hip hop? Yeah, Staffordshire hip hop. Nice one. He's going to sell drugs there soon. This is a guy called Pud.

I love him. He's really big. I love Pud. There's a song called Scripted. Adam's going to listen to it right now. My dad used to call me Pud when I was a baby. Why was that, Fred? Because I was fat.

Pud. Pud. Mate, try walking around Stoke. You're going to be in trouble, mate. Pud on the pod. Pod. Mate, try walking around Stoke. You're going to be in trouble, man. Pod on the pod. Oh. Where's a podcast? Go on, Adam.

Adam's gone. Let's do another five minutes. What do you think about... No. Watch Adam's special, but also listen to Pod. Go on, what are you singing? Scripted. It's a tune called scripted alright get on it

it's just on the audio yeah appreciate you everyone thanks very much Dan quick question what did you get from HMV you what his master's voice

headphones oh cool did you just look at the Stalin notification no I just seen the bag on the floor alright good enjoy PUD glad you came back Did you just look at the Stalin notification? No, I just seen the bag on the floor. All right.

Good. Enjoy pod. Glad you came back. Yo, Kurt is sending me a dude. Thank you. And inhaling the flavour Now I feel like I'm taking my time But I'm pacing with bread Like I'm racing a baker And chasing a bitch Who ain't rating a kid But I can't complain Without taking a hint I'm a normal guy

With some scars in my eyes But I only feel high When I'm blazing a spliff She can be blessed And her mate is a prick So I'll keep her away Without raising a stick I light up a tube

With some smoke in the room And I'll steal your presents Without taking a gift I can go quite deep or brief What's your preference? Them boys there love to talk about me But it's obvious they haven't preached adolescence your best role now not just when it's lit cause you know that I'm gonna bring heat to the essence instead of me bringing a streetish impression I'd rather talk about what's real for a second and I'm gonna make sure I'm one you'll remember until

the ending I'ma send my thought to pin a flame As I catch all the embers, watch where I aim As I go for the big, but my circle gets small As I shoot for the centre, I'm sick of these kid mindsets That I'm seeing, you can do what you want, but it's who you depend on My past includes some fake that I choose If you wanna do that, then watch who your friends are And watch where your mate is, cause they can be makeshift But I've split ways with some of those people

And it still feels like we're adjacent See a lot of you, man, have got time to to break bread but after time you ain't even made it so please stop focusing on my plate because I don't even know what I'm facing I focus on fate and I'll preach it I feel so much shade right now but I don't have fault trying to see shit a lot of things don't have meanings, but I get lost trying to deepen, I guess I kinda like going deeper, cause if you stay in the shallow, a lot of things about you start revealing, and I'll come back with it, I'ma run those lyrics and start with the chosen for ones that didn't, I used to do what I want, now I want that vision, overly rising

this time I've given, and I'll only defy, I don't see no finish, I just feel so sublime when I lie, and I write that lyric, I'ma stand the point of my existence, cause I don't see no finish I just feel so sublime when I lie And I write that lyric I'm a stand-up point of my existence Cause I don't want regrets at the end So let me ask you Does it feel like you're living? Or does it feel like your time is written? Thank you. you