Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #207 with Kai Humphries - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live as well as Adam and Dan's tours:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our feature length rugby league special! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsVote for us in the National Comedy Awards: https://votehaveaword.comFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your exclusive NordVPN Deal to get a huge discount off your NordVPN Plan, 1 additional month for free and free threat protection! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Stitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts, our guest host and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastKai Humphrieshttps://twitter.com/kaihumphrieshttps://instagram.com/kaihumphriesADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a belter. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. The star style. Darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. And your special's out. My special's out as well. And his special's out. And he hasn't got gonorrhea anymore. It's all clear. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, he's anymore. It's all clear. Oh, yeah.

The test time actually back it up. It'll be fine. She looked clean. Throughout the show today. Can we have some, please? No, he's the birthday boy. Have you got a special out today? Is it your birthday?

No, it isn't. Have you got gonorrhea? Yes, you have. So you don't get a popper. I'm just going to have one at a time ready for whenever I feel like it's necessary bloody hell what a day

what a day eh 31 10 years behind 30 fucking 1 catching up yeah I feel good you feel loud

I believe you yeah I feel he's got to that age where he's losing I'd like You feel loud. I believe you. I feel... He's got to that age where he's losing... I'd like to lose a bit of weight, but other than that, I feel like I'm in the prime of my life at the minute. No, you can't pop that.

No, no, no. I'm waiting for a moment. I'm just playing with it. You can't give a man with ADHD party poppers and expect him not to have a little fiddle. You know what I mean? I thought you brought your own party. As the old saying goes,

party poppers get fiddled with when you've got ADHD. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Famous one. They say it in the car job. Yeah.

I didn't bring my own party poppers. No. Matthew bought me a cake and a bag of party poppers. Will said to me, we need to get Matthew to go and get a cake

and he already had the cake. From us. Hey. So we reminded Matthew ages ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's expensive. Listen, happy birthday, kid.

Have a great one. Now, we don't really do birthday gifts. We go big on Christmas. There's a limit of how much I'm willing to spend on you in a two-and-a-half-week period. Yeah. Have you got any prezzy so far? Is just the gift of podcasting all you need?

No presents so far. I know a few people coming to the meal tonight have bought me a little something. Right. So who's coming to Bella Italia? Dolly. Dolly's coming. And Pat Simon. Pat Simon. Patrick Simon. He's got two names because he was just...

And her partner who is lovely, who I've warmed to, who is called Duncan. Duncan. Duncan Patrick Simon. Simon Duncan is Lee Common? From Boyzo. Ishan's Common. Ishan.

Ishan asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said, just your presents. And he said, well, I'm also getting you some presents. And that was a really nice moment for us. I haven't got you a present because you're impossible to buy for as a friend. You should have got me a present. I've got you one for next month.

No, you haven't. When's my birthday? What? What day is my birthday? 24th. Oh, well done. Hard on me. Let's keep the breakup off air.

Yeah. There's a few people coming who've said they've got me a little thing now I am in full support of Dry January you keep turning up

with a pep in your step and a cafe Nero that you've fucking paid for even though you're a no no no no no no I've had two cafe Nero stay in Wilbur both of them

but you haven't had a pref for ages it's all on camera I've had a pref every day not on camera so I'm really sorry that I'm not providing you

with evidence of, I'm definitely in profit from press. I'm getting that subscription. Are you guys breaking up? What's the fucking intention? I think we need a birthday. I'm in profit with press. I'm getting more than 25 quids worth of coffee a month. Easy.

Oh, is it a month? Yeah. Oh, then yeah. 25 quid a week? What do you think it was? You think I'm fucking made of money, son? That was a popper moment, I think. I think I'm made of money. Two poppers.

We'll do that again. Cut that bit out. 100 quid a week? I think I'm made of money, son. Yeah? I don't think it was a popper moment. Now that I've done it. I just thought it'd be lavish.

Like, I'm not made of money. I'm made of poppers. Fuck off. He was cleaning that up. Have you ever done actual poppers? Bit of basil. We call it basil. Makes your head hot. It does? It does, yeah. Makes your bum all wired. It does. Who's cleaning that up? Have you ever done actual poppers? Bit of basil. We call it basil. Makes your head hot.

It does. It does, yeah. Makes your bum all wired. It does. It really does. Why do you think we call it basil, Dan? Not basildon. Basildon? Why do you think we call it basil? Why do you think we call it basil... Don't know. Basil brush? Yes. It widens your tush. No rush.

It gives you a rush. It's Cockney rhyming slang. What is it? Not Scouse rhyming, is that? What? Get the fucking bezel. Bezel brush. Bit of rash. Embezzle. Oi!

Goddamn bezel, then. I need everyone turning down. Fucking hell. Yeah, let's get some poppers for Bella Italia tonight. I'd love it. Let's do a pill. What? It's just called room enrollment, isn't it?

Can I just double check that you don't think we're going to Bella Italia? What? This is in the past, Andy. You can't turn up. We're going to a restaurant, bar and grill. I've never been before. It's a restaurant, bar and grill. Oh, Carl, have you farted?

It's called restaurant, bar and grill. Carl's been absolutely mucking all over the place today. Chuck Finn a popper, because then there's that weird, lovely popper smell. I've farted. We all do it. Just smell your VO5. Smells like bonfire now.

This isn't my VO5, I think VO5 works in my hair. No, I know we're not going to Bellewitalia, I was just being silly. Well, I wanted to go for steak, I wanted to go to Hawksmoor, but they were like, what, 20 people? We've never had 20 people in this building ever, so it's going to be really complicated.

And what we're going to have to do is we're just going to have to make a load of steaks and you can all share them. Is that alright? I went, no. Who wants a fucking shared steak? Who wants to have the steak that just is happy for everyone? Some like it rare, some like it well done. Some like it hot. Yeah, they do. Some like it cold. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. And I was just like, I don't want to share it. And they were like, well, we fucking can't come here. And you fucking tits. And I was like, all right, I'll come tomorrow. They seem rough at Hawksmoor. It's one of the leading restaurants in Liverpool, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm going to Hawksmoor tomorrow. But tonight, Restaurant Bar and Grill. Come tomorrow on your own, lad. You won't have to share, no. We'll get your own fucking fork. But tonight, yeah, there's 20 of us. There's exactly 20 of us, actually. Nice.

No, 19. 19, because Loz has pulled out. Yeah, she stubbed her toe. I didn't. Come on. No, that's why you've got kids. Come on. Coming.

Yeah, so I'm really excited. I just... Happy birthday, kids. I'm still going. I just... Happy birthday, kids. I'm still going to attempt to do dry January, but I believe I'm going to fail today. Right. So how does that work? You believe you're going to try

until you're going to stop trying? No, I'm going to try. I'm trying to talk myself out of it. But like, there's just a little man in me head going, yeah, but it's your birthday. And your birthday last year was shit, wasn't it? Because you're going through a breakup. It it was shit so you like owe yourself a birthday

and also why don't you just drink today and then just not drink on the first of february and then same right that was carl yeah man in your head yeah yeah he sounds fun that guy in your head he's great i don't know sounds like he works at hawks more um i just think i was like i don't want to go mad. I'm just thinking like, you know, eight, nine or 10 points.

Yeah. Pot world. No, no, no, no. Teddies. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, yeah, I'm into it. Well, I fully endorse you not drinking because as much as I want to take the piss out of you not being able to do Dry January like we told you, I think you'll have a great time. And I know how hard you, Will, and everyone's worked

on the special that is out right now that you need to watch. Adam's special, Imperious, is on. By the time the Patreons see this, it's been out for three days and you should have all watched it. It should have a bare minimum of 18,000 views by the time the Patreons see it. it's been out for three days and you should have all watched it. It should have a bare minimum of 18,000 views by the time the Patreons see it.

By the time this goes out publicly, yeah, if you're a pube, I love you. On this moment, I love you. Don't worry about signing up to Patreon right now. We'll get you in the end. But for now, just go and watch Adam Rowe Imperius on the Have A Word channel. Do it.

Dan, if Adam's doing dry January, can you do something February it's a shorter month as well right wet February where you just swim every day

wet February I could do wet February I could do wet February I could do tennis February I can't even say

February February February do you know because I realised I only realised a couple of years ago that it's spelled February.

Yeah. I now say February, and I can't stop it. Do you say library? Library. Library? Yeah. That's wrong, isn't it?

It's mad, isn't it? I say library. I say L-I-B-R-E-E. Yeah, it's library. Library. Gone to the library. So what is it? It's dry January.

I can't remember the last time I said that. I'm going to the library. I'm going to the library. Movember. Move to the library. So what is it? It's dry January. I can't remember the last time I said that. I'm going to the library. I'm going to the library. Movember. Movember. Christmas. Veganuary. I can't do it.

We're already so far in, but I just, there's so little veg that I'm into, but it'd probably do me good to do veganuary. What's the other ones? Have we got? Sober October. Yeah.

That's the same as dry January. Stoptober. Sober October. Stoptober that's the same as dry January. Stoptober. Sober October. Stoptober's no bifters. There's July, where you make friends with the Jewish community. Yeah. Yeah. But you're lying about it.

I mean, I've done that every year. There's June. Shalom. June. Where you get on a- Oh, it's a double month because I love them that much. The whole summer is spent in synagogues for me. Don't know what you're doing.

Not synagogues. Not respecting it. Are you allowed to go in a synagogue if you're not a Jew? There's Gay May. Oh, my God. They just call it gay. May Gay. Oh!

You're going to do Gay May? May Gay. May Gay. Oh, May Gay. Where you going to be gay in the Caribbean? Yeah. And it's difficult there because Pride is struggling over there.

So I support my LGBTQ plus A plus minus up. What about Gabriel? Gabriel? No. No, that's where you get asshole gapes for a month. That's Gabriel. Oh, Gabriel. It's Gabriel.

Oh, Gabriel. You get fisted every day for a month. Gabriel. And that's not part of Game A. 30 days. No. Oh, no. You get fisted every day for a month. Gay pro. And that's not part of gay mate. 30 days. No. Oh, no. You get...

It's not gay to be fisted. It isn't. No, it's not. It isn't. I mean, it's not. No, it is. I've had many a finger up my arse. You have.

And I am not gay. Stop. The pcha pcha. Order. Do you know a finger doesn't mean you've been fisted? I mean, it's... No, the fist is there. It's all pretty dis...

What? The fist is there, isn't it? It's part of the show. Yeah, okay. No, I've been fingered. I haven't been fisted. Right, cool. But that is a short walk, isn't it?

No, it's quite a long, difficult walk. It's a hike. I've had two fingers in my arse at once. If a girl... Yours? In my arse. once. If a girl... Yours? In my arse. I've had my own fingers, no. All right, cool.

I haven't fingered my own arsehole. Well, that's a lie, actually, I have. Of course you have. Not with two, though. No, that's another short walk, innit? You're doing a lot of walking around your arsehole. Have you ever fingered your own arsehole? What?

A pokey bum wank. He's never had a pokey bum wank? Yeah, of course he has. Oh, of course he has. Have you? Yeah. Did you clean up before? What do you think he's been lying on this podcast? Did I clean up before? What do you mean? Do the dishes and that? What do you mean? Yeah, you've had to do your bed and that. I mean, did you have an enema? An enema?

Is that an enema? Yeah. You mean douching? No. Did you douche your bum off? No, I didn't douch before I fingered myself. Did you use an enemy to finger your asshole? That'd be amazing. Come an enemy through. Fucking hell. The Taliban will not usually get involved. Hang on, the Taliban, you're enemies.

Oh, yeah. But my point stands, if a woman fists a man, that doesn't make him gay. Make some game. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Game for a fist. Yes, it does.

Dick-cember, I'm just saying. More dick than um no but it's it's not a short walk a finger to a fist is a vigorous unwanted hike if a girl was like i just want you know mid-passion a lady you know you're making that scouse love like the show get down there. Get your finger down there. Fucking dial my ass up like an old-fashioned fucking telephone. Right? Fucking use the area code, girl. And then she was like, 0151. Yeah, 0151. And then went, wah! And her fist went up there.

You wouldn't go, oh, that was a short one. Would you? I don't think that would be my first reaction, no. No. No. I think, honestly, just ass play-wise, let's get concerned. Do you know what I like?

I don't like... I get very nervous once there's a finger in there that I'm going to shit all over her arm. You're better than that, aren't you? Welcome to new listeners. This is how the word. But what I really like is the moment before they finger you, where they just tease you by moment,

press it like it's a little fucking bullshit bell. And they're just like... They're just round and they're going... Oh, no. When Laura fingers me, she takes a run-up. Honestly. I just like being teased. No, because she used to do fencing at school.

So she gets clearance and then goes, Ta-da! Like that. And that's how I prefer it. I'm a big fan of being teased in every aspect of it. Right. Just like a stroke of the hair on your bollocks. And it's just, ooh.

Yeah, yeah. I saw it at the end of the day, and it said, we don't know what foreplay means. Any way you can orgasm isn't foreplay that's sex that's bollocks

no that's you said foreplay is like the leading up to that like the flaring who's they who's on TikTok oh right no foreplay is just

the build up to you can orgasm through all sorts of foreplay that doesn't instantly make it sex though does it no but they said

if you can orgasm through it it's not foreplay well that's't instantly make it sex though, does it? No, but they said if you could orgasm through it, it's not foreplay. Well, that's bollocks because some people have medical issues where they come for fucking next to no reason.

Yeah, we do. Like a cat lands on the lap and they go, oh, Jesus. That's not foreplay though, is it? Exactly. The cat come.

No, but I mean, you're not shagging the cat anyway. She'll hold it up. No, that's dead wrong though, isn't it? That's dead wrong. That's dead wrong. Foreplay is just all the sexual-based

build-up towards sex. If you then come, you're not like, oh, that was full sex, just because she fucking, you know, fingered his ass. What about lesbians? What? Exactly. Sexual activity that precedes intercourse. There you go. Intercourse

is cocking pussy all the more. Is that on Google? Yeah. Well, it's very heteronormative foreplay. I don't use the term now. What do you call it? I just, fun times, sexy, sexy fun times. That's what I call it, and that's what Laura likes.

And then she gets the fucking face guard on. What? And then it goes up. Why is foreplay heteronormative? Well, everything that builds up to intercourse suggests that it's just... No, men and men intercourse each other yeah all right cool you're right guys thanks for pulling me up intercourse you're right dad you haven't mentioned yeah to the public i'm bored of it have a goatee oh god guys

i didn't do it for attention. I've stopped talking about it because I don't want to, like, make you feel really bad about it any more than I already have. But I actually hate it. I know. Like, I really don't like it. I do.

I think you should keep it. Thanks. We'll see what happens. No. It's been a great response online. In the comments, all the tweets, all the tweets, all the Instagram DMs.

Thank you so much for your support. These guys, a lot of banter. He loves the teasing, not just in sexy, sexy fun time. He loves a bit of teasing, but I appreciate it. And we'll see what happens. I'm thinking of cutting it down to just a tash for Amsterdam. Yeah. What kind of tash?

We got just keeping the top there. You can shave for Amsterdam. Yeah. What kind of tash? We got just keeping the top there. You can shave the bottom. Yeah, just shave the bottom bit. Okay, cool. I'd rather that. I'd rather that. I think you'd look less weird.

Right, I've changed my mind again. I'm keeping the goatee. It's more fun. What tinge you want? Hang on, let me just get the right and also uh smooth uh that voice alfie brown talking no but like what what gets you going if you're like not particularly in the mood not that you're not like it's not happening but you're just not like there what what what could a woman do to you to get you going like do you like your nipples being licked?

From where? From a standing start? No, you're in bed. You're in bed. If Laura just lifted my top up, like when Jack was a baby and he was like, did my back hurt? You're like, no.

Why? No, no, no. I like being... Like wagged off? What? Not many things get me going, Chris. That does turn me me going I think getting

a slagged like bit of dirty talk really oh yeah yeah I found that quite jarring until I'm right in the middle of it

oh no I like it out of nowhere I like it like out of nowhere get just a whatsapp voice note and I'll just be driving home from the studio you're a dirty cunt

get home and do me I'm like oh my god that's the fucking window cleaner it just gets me it's the windows in all seriousness if i if i need my engine revved like i'm actually thinking about it now dirty talk where i get abused, like... Slagged off. Like, you're a nasty fuck. You're a dirty little... Do you like...

Genuinely? And since I've started doing this podcast, in a scouse accent, it works in my head all of a sudden. See, you're trying to joke around this, but I think this is true, innit? You like being abused. You like being... Are you like the submissive?

Nope, nope, nope. You've gone too far. You've gone way too far. You've taken what I've said. You've not concentrated properly. Do you want me no no you've gone too far you've gone way too far you've taken what I've said you've not concentrated properly and I'm like fucking hell

do you want me to weigh your head in for you sorry Dan I wasn't concentrating I was just getting a text from me builder you want your window cleaner to break your jaw

while fencing and fingering your arsehole happy birthday what no I just like I like dirty talk and I I think like, I like dirty talk. And I,

I think like really in my ear whispering. Oh no. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. From a standing start. It's got to be insulting. That's what you just said. I mean, not, not like career wise. You know what I mean?

Like you're fucking nothing. You should have done so much more with your time. You're fucking nothing without Adam I'm trying he's been we only work together you're fucking piggybacking

you lazy using your family as an excuse you need to do more gigs that would be fucking if I wanted that

I'd just phone Rob Thomas I are you a dirty talker I just, if I wanted that, I'd just phone Rob Thomas. Are you a dirty talker? No, I'm from Lancashire. And I genuinely... Exclusive. What? No, but you can't talk dirty.

It's hard enough in a Scouse accent. No, it's not. No, I think Scouse is quite good at it. No, no. I mean, I've genuinely never had dirty talk of Scouse here. And I, you know. It sounds threatening.

It's too threatening. You fucking knobhead. Of a Scouse lady. It's not dirty, is it? Yeah, yeah. You little knobhead. No, but I like being abused a bit. I like being slagged off.

You silly twat. He's not silly. You are a flippin' thing silly. You are. But you're a flippin' thing. What happens if someone calls you a little dirty cunt? Oh, there we go.

See? Box ticked. Whatever that was, not in his voice. Yeah. Yeah, ladies. Yeah, voice notes in my DMs. I do like dirty talk

once I'm proper in the middle of it. Yeah, sick. Like, you know, fuck me harder. In me bum. In my bum. All that stuff. Are you saying that?

Honestly, if anyone's ever getting bored of bonking me, I'm not saying specifically who, because I'm not allowed to talk about a sex life. I'm talking to the window cleaner. Just one. Fuck me. And I'm like, there you go. Good night.

It's great. Love it. Come for me. Oh I'm like, there you go. Good night. It's great. Love it. Come for me. Not a problem, love. Three seconds away. The train is on the way. As you wish. Oh, mate, that might be the best three words.

You could be nowhere near. You'd be like, this isn't happening for me. You know, I think we should just stop. Come for me. Okay. And you're done, pal. The best three words ever. I love a tongue right down the ear canal.

I totally agree. Clean the ears. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Clean my ears for me, love. And then I'll fuck you. A girl that I snogged when I was about, when we were about 14, 15.

One of the first girls I ever snogged, I think she was called Erica, was the first girl to ever stick her tongue in my ear. And she did it like she was trying to erase memories. Honestly. She was like, I'm struggling with French at school. I wonder if I can get it from Dan. Je l'ai dit en douche.

Also, just a little light lick of me earlobe. Just a little. I'm like, yep, off we go. And genuinely, just a gentle stroke of the gooch slash ball there. How do I know this so much already? Just a little, ooh, what's that?

What are you doing to get, again, is this from a stand-in start? Is she licking your ear then stroking your bollocks while you're watching the telly? No, I think there's already... We're lying in bed. This is already well into the foreplay. Like, if I'm in bed with a woman and she, like, licks me here,

or, like, just, ooh, a little graze. It's a move away from the kissing. And, like, oh, we're kissing, and now, oh, you know? What are your thoughts on a little nibble? Yeah. Nibble of what? Now. Bollocks, no.

Now, have you been with a biter? Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you ever been belted around the ear? What? It turns me off. It turns me off. I had a one-night stand last year, in the first few months of last year,

when I was single. Single. Yeah, that's it. Like, fucking around and... Six people. Grieving. With one of the six. Yeah.. We're one of the six. And she...

One of the six. And she clubbed me. She, like... Honestly, I stopped for a sec because I thought she was actually just like, get off, because she hit me that hard. And I had ringing in my ears for two days. Flashbanged you.

Yeah. She literally went... Flashbang! No, she literally went... Tangled. Yeah, you've been tangled. And I went, no, she literally went, tangoed. Yeah, you've been tangoed. And I went, drummer. I went, is everything all right? Come for me.

Fuck, I heard that. I went, signing, come for me. Is everything all right? And she went, yeah. I went, what was that for? She went, thought you And what was that for? She went, I thought you might like it. No.

Okay. Let me carry on. What was that for? Turns me off. Biting. Biting the middle. A little bit of a nibble. Oh.

And then an actual bite. Fuck off. Get out. Nah, mate. Also, scratching. Love a scratch. Only on the back. A real scratch. To a point. Only on the back. A real scratch.

To a point, and then it's genuinely like you're trying to fuck a puma. No, no. Do what you want to my back. Treat my back like a fucking scratch card, mate. And see if you can match the 50K. Fucking hell. This one girl went Lion-O on me like,

Lion-O, schnaff, schnaff. You're very tactile, Dan. If I start touching your shoulders, you go gooey. Carl, I want to disagree with you, and I'll tell this little story. Last week, we were all around the dining table, which has been very useful. Thank you.

Carl, out of nowhere, apropos of nothing, made me... No, not in the face. In my ear. Started giving me a shoulder massage and it was so good, as he finished, in me,

as he finished, I messaged Teresa, my sports massage lady. She said, you're fired, you stupid bitch. I've got Carl now. I don't need you. It was really rude. I'm butt one in.

I'm butt one in. That's how good, so I did go a little bit gooey. I'll give you, I am tactile, yeah. Yeah, you're very. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like being touched, yeah.

But I think all of this stuff, this is where, because once you're in the moment and the, you know, the juices flow in, all of this, a bite, a scratch. But I'm a big fan of going up the gears with these things.

I've been with people who are like, yeah, cool, we're snogging. There's my nails. Fifth gear. And you're like, no. Do you like moving rooms? No. Like moving around the house? Eh?

Do you like fucking in the kitchen? Do you like moving around the house? If you start somewhere, you're like, oh, let's go in the garage. Oh, no. I go squat as right, son. Once it's happened, move rooms. Mate,

I'll maybe move off the bed if there's like a spring issue. Like if it's creaking too much. There's no, your knees. Oh, I don't know. Sex on the floors. No, your knees.

There's no, there's no like, yeah, there's no give. What, you're on your knees? Oh, yeah, yeah.. Sex on the floors. No, your knees. There's no, like, yeah, there's no give. What, you're on your knees? Oh, yeah, yeah, I get what you mean. No, I don't. The bed. It's just so good.

Unless the moment takes you. But I never move rooms. Fucking hell, girl. We haven't done the pantry. What if, like, you were the woman and she's, like, trying to empty the washing machine and she gets stuck in it and her arse is just there and she's like babbling for the plumber. That happens quite a lot actually.

It does. I've seen that on the internet. Sometimes I think Laura's getting herself stuck in that drum. And you know what? Even though she's screaming, help, help, I've been here for four hours, I'm dehydrating, someone's got to pick the kids up. What I think she means is, fuck me. That is so rapey, that washing machine thing.

It's horrible. Like, you can't defend porn when it's like, she's stuck, she can't go nowhere. Stupid woman. She's in the washing machine. Know what she needs? I know she's complaining. It's horrible.

Mate, just a little, listen. I know, you know, bit of instruction for the younger lads. If you see any lady stuck in a washing machine. Ask her before you fuck her. And if she says no, she'll stop. I don't know. Yeah.

So much to start a porn laundrette. A porn laundrette? I very rarely say this this but talk me through it you don't want to use your old washing machine for that so you go in and you've got why? you don't come in the washing machine I don't know it's fair like there's a very old school gag hanging out there

excuse so it's a sex club. It's a sex club, but you can also do your washing while you're in there. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what?

It's going to be a sad day when some old divorcee doesn't realize what type of laundry you're running, goes in to wash her fucking smalls. And then all of a sudden like, fuck it. Oh, she's in. She's game. This one awful. of a sudden, like, fucking hell, she's in, she's game, this one.

Awful. But yeah, you know, we'll talk about it. Business meeting, Steve, right there. Porn dread. Porn dread. Now, that was a fun little section, wasn't it? We've learnt something.

But yeah, genuinely, in my ear, like, you dirty fucking swat. You like cunt. You useless cunt. You can't do anything right. I'm just going to say, fuck cunt. Have you paid your tax right. I'm just going to say. Fuck cunt.

Have you paid your tax bill yet? Dirty. You slut. Slut's too feminine. I'm not trying to be sexist. It's cunt. You like cunt. You little bastard.

You soft cunt. Bastard? No. You stupid bastard. You fucking underachieving cunt. You nasty. I kind of like nasty. Oh, you nasty.

Oh, you stink. You're horrible you're a fucking awful person what's that smell what's your fucking cholesterol like you embarrassing

person my dad ate you oh mate your fucking breath wash your fucking mouth out brush your teeth

you horrible your mates talk about you all the time. Oh, God, your self-esteem's awful, and I'm not helping. Come for me. I'd still be there. You shouldn't drop media studies. Oh, how do you know?

Let's have a break. Awooka. Awooka. Oh, Chris Heiccupusi sure it's either him or John Fashnew I've got no idea which one said this before Stepford Hiccupusi as well

questions who would like to hear from our wonderful viewers and listeners if you'd like to ask a question of the lids email in at haveawordpod at gmail.com and you'd like to ask a question of the lids, email in at haveawordpod at gmail.com and you definitely want to get it read. Email it on Patreon. Sign up to Patreon and DM us.

Make it good as well. Gavin Field... And make it good. Gavin Field says, according to our Adam, the Olympics aren't sport. But if you had to compete... That's not what I said.

In an Olympic event, which one you pick in? Can I have a summer Olympic event and a winter Olympic event, please? The toboggan run is just lying down on a slide. I'd smash that. Yeah, the luge. On your own, or do you want to do it as a have a word team? Because they're four men, aren't they?

I feel like I'm better on my own than you lot. I feel like I shine. All right, cool. It's okay, we can be here. No, I mean, I'd compete in both. I'd do the solo one and I'd do it as a team. What's your... Goals are around me.

You're going... So you're going... What's it called? The luge. The luge. The toboggan run. The skeleton. And what's the four man one?

Literally. Bobsled. So many... So much of my knowledge is from cool run-ins on this. Is that the bobsled? Right. Oh, my God. It's basically a snowy slide, isn't it? I love water slides, and it's just a water slide that's a bit cold.

Can I be the lazy cunt who just stays in and steers? Who runs the most? The last one in runs the most. Yeah. Everyone runs at first, don't they? Yeah. And then I'll get in first. I'll fucking steer.

You want to be in the middle, don't you? No, I'd be happy steering. And then Adam's going to be what? The power at the back. Last one in. Just play it out. Fuck. Let you go. Also, I'm probably the heaviest.

So like, as you said, all on it, as I jump on that, I'm probably the heaviest so like as you said all on it as I jump on that I give it the biggest push what whoa day Olympics

event I don't want to do cross country skiing which is for Norwegian paedophiles speed skating though any good oh speed skating

god there's some women that look good speed skating shout out the internet some men who look good speed skating as well. That's true. I don't masturbate over them. The best one is when they do the cross country

and then shoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then carry on. If Liverpool had just a little bit more snowfall, there'd be so many Scouse entrants in that. Like, fuck, lad, what? How do you think we'd do at curling? What?

Curling. None of us brought you terribly because i don't think deaf touch is what we we're not the most but you can yeah you can play you can play aggressive curling you can be an aggressive curler yeah if you're an aggressive curler you just swat them out the way yeah but you got listen i'm i'm going to talk with authority that I don't have on curling. Yeah. Aggression is fine in curling, but you need that soft touch, you know? The curl is like a lady, you know?

Sometimes she needs it hard. Other times, she needs that soft touch. Wow. Sometimes you need the brush. And also, yeah, you need the brush to clean it up. Yeah. I'll be the brush guy. I'm a pretty clean guy.

Who's being... Yeah, I couldn't do the brush. I can't even brush up my own flat. Adam would be on a couch watching us do Olympic curling. Like, yeah, yeah, I'm all like, you do it. Do it, get fucking ready. No, I'd be good with the shot, I think.

Right. Ah, what? Because I've got a spin on it. It's like table tennis, but different, isn't it? It is. I've always heard that one. It is. The old saying, curling. That's what they say

in the commentary. This is like table tennis. I don't know why they're Scottish. What's bandy? What? Bandy? Bandy? Oh, I don't know. I think it's like ice hockey. It's a winter sport. Okay. Yeah, I go

for the Olympics, I will go the long jump skiing oh yes you know because even if you fuck it up you can get some distance yes you die and then you get a posthumous

gold medal maybe I don't think you get the gold medal I don't think you can win if you die I think you have to survive the jump for it to count landing is definitely one of the criteria really? I think so.

No, is it not just distance? Isn't it? No, it's landing. Hang on. You broke your neck on the landing. So you did land. No, it's not.

Well, they're not. Even if it's just distance, I don't think they'd give the gold medal to someone who dies. Hang on, hang on, hang on. It's got to be landing as well otherwise you...

There's no judges. It's called long jump. Yeah. It's not called the long jump, is it? It's called the high jump. There's no judges. It's called long jump. Yeah. It's not called the long jump, is it? It's called the high jump. It's when you're potted. The end of the jump is the land. It's just distance.

And landing. No one's going, oh my God, you just did 120 metres. Yeah, they would. I think it's all distance. They're just measuring distance. They're not going, you did such a long jump. But you looked a bit racist on the end. No, I think you want to land.

Nah, mate. I think... Distance, mate. Okay, just distance. But if you die, you don't get it. I'm telling you right now, you can't die during an Olympic event and get a medal.

They're going to fucking weekend at Bernie's, the podium. No. Quarter of a kilometre he jumped. Yeah. Yeah? That's the record. Yeah, and he farted when he landed and they disqualified him. You. Quarter of a kilometre he jumped. Yeah. Yeah? That's the record. Yeah, and he farted

when he landed and they disqualified him. You can't fart on a landing. That's why we've got Beryl listening. Oh, you dirty wee bastard. She's got great ears. She hates flatulence.

That's Olympic Beryl. Remember her. Please, can we have her in the trailer? She's got great ears and she hates flatulence. Just like, no there. her in the trailer? She's got great ears and she hates flatulence. What's the biathlon?

I don't know. It's two events, probably. So that's the Winter Olympics. What about the Summer Olympics? I don't know, but stay alive. There is table tennis, Adam. Oh, God almighty. I reckon I would lose in the final to a Chinese person

the climbers boss the climb racing the Asians have got a table tennis fuck they can't be racist if it's a positive stereotype I used to do judo

when I was a kid I mean I got to first Dan so oh mate Olympics is such a look at all the shit they've thrown in here

field hoggy oh dressage I love field hog thrown in here. Field hoggy. Oh, dressage. I love field hoggy. I'll do hoggy. Or tie guando. I'll go dressage. You're doing rowing, Adam.

What? Rowing. Oh, yeah? Because you called Adam row. No, that's not how it works. I've got to go table tennis or karate. It's one of the two either one have you ever done karate

yeah really yeah he's told the story before you've done a lot of karate yeah and done judo no he had to stop doing it

because he got battered in the jaw yeah so give me a little bit of that you'd have to you'd have to you'd have to see if you could do judo

don't know if them skills are why because karate isn't there it is I've seen it before that's what I mean to say it's at the top if you could mix two together what are you doing rough shit yeah could do judo. Don't know if them skills are... Why? Because karate isn't there. It is. I've seen it before. That's what I mean to say. It's at the top. If you could mix two together,

what are you doing? Real shit, yeah. Apologies. I'm doing... Judo's no punching in it. It's just all like, get on the ground. Judo's for fucking pussies.

Yeah, judo's for pussies. I'm doing surf shooting. You have to do two together. Surf shooting. No, I definitely want a pimped out Snoop Dogg horse. I'm doing archery baseball. Someone hits the baseball and you've got to... You just literally...

You know, have you heard of horse whisperers? You just whisper in the horse's ear. I'm going to do break dancing. The floor is hot lava. Break dancing cannot be an Olympic event. Oh, it is. You've not seen it. I haven't.

You're right. That's why I'm incredulous, Finn. It's at the next one, the first one. So I'm going to set the tone at the 2024 Olympics, win a gold medal. I don't think I've ever seen you dance, Finn. Apart from at the arena show. Yeah.

Could you show us your dancing now? I could, but I've hurt my... Patellar tendon. My little toe. It's not a little toe, is it? Just don't use your little toe. If your fingers are anything to fucking go by. Great question, Gavin.

Thank you for that. Marsha Tate says, if you had to work in the NHS, which role would you each be best at? Trampolining is an Olympic sport. In the NHS. He would trampoline in the NHS. Oh God, I'm sick of trampolining.

You land on your ass and you bounce back over your ass. No, you get someone else to be on it with you. So when you land, you go super double big. Double bounce? You're not allowed to double bounce. It's illegal. It's illegal in the Olympics. No double bouncing.

I'm not doing it. Fuck you. I'd be a brain surgeon. Marcia Tate. So you think you're best suited to brain surgery? Yeah. I've watched Grey's Anatomy now. I know what I'm doing. Derek. Fuck you. I'll be a brain surgeon. Marsha Tate, so you think you're best suited to brain surgery? Yeah. I've watched Grey's Anatomy now. I know what I'm doing.

Derek's taught me well. Can we turn the trampolining off? Because Adam will not be able to focus on the next question. He's already in the Olympics in his head. Where is it? Fucking Sefton Park. No one's ever combined karate and table tennis, but you've won two gold

win right what's the next question because i've missed it because i was winning gold marcia tate says if you had to work in the nhs which role would you each be best suited to i'm a nurse i love the nhs they're trying to kill it fuck the tories good on you marcia consultant fucking strangling what do one of the best institutions we've ever managed to keep together. Someone just comes and tells me all their problems

and I go, oh, I know who can sort that out. John. I think you make a good proctologist. What's that? Bum doctor. Bum doctor.

Because you've just experienced. No, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know it's happening. Right. Yeah. There's a problem in it. Someone comes in going, I've got IBS. You're like, yeah, so have I. I know what's wrong with me. I just know it's happening. Right. Yeah. Yeah, there's a problem, isn't it?

Someone comes in going, I've got IBS. You're like, yeah, so have I. I think so. So have I. Can you be a good porter? Find out where your local Marks and Spencers is. You'd be a good porter. That's sad.

It's the goatee. You look, like, reliable. Oh, mate. All porters have been to prison. Aren't they? They all give off an air of, like, you know when they're, like, all porters have been to prison. Oh, mate, they all give off an air of like... You know when they're like some old girl, it's just they're wheeling them to the next ward.

If the old girl was like, could you get me ketamine? Yeah, yeah, I fucking know someone. Is the porter just the guy who drives you around? Yeah. Like Uber drivers or the Aussie? Literally, yeah. Yeah, they're basically the NHS runners, aren't they? Go and get that, they get it.

Go and move him, they move them. Finn, I'm saying this. Musician. I think you should stay yeah the famous NHS musicians approved musician I don't think you can go anywhere near gynecology

with those fingers I think that would be you could change Laura's gone to the name of anyone who's just died and go to their family we've got some terrible news

but we're going to deliver it via Finn Janice is gone Janice Dan you could do hospital radio there's a new spot just opened there is isn't there some terrible news but we're going to deliver it via Finn. Janice is gone. Janice. Dan, you could do hospital radio. There's a new spot just opened.

There is, isn't there? Let's not talk about that on a public episode. Or Tom Binns who has pled guilty to child porn offences. He's a comedian. Yeah.

Next question. No. There's more meat on this bone. There's sign up on this bone. Sign up to patreon.com. What do you say you see the meat? I'd be chief of surgery.

Chief of surgery? Yeah. You think you're best suited to it? Yeah. You've never done any surgery? No, I've watched nearly seven seasons of Grey's Anatomy. That is the last year of the medical degree. I know what I'm doing. Easy work.

I can get in the phone. How long do surgeons have to do? Because medicine's seven years, isn't it? Surgery's probably like... You're in term, then you're a... You have to do a BTEC on top. You're a resident, then you're attending. And you want to go straight to consultant?

No, no, no no i'm chief the top of the top of the gaff is chief she's currently chief weber you know but he's on 11 11 years 11 years carl i'd suggest you'd make a great nhs receptionist yeah this is the exact attitude that they want to see if you want to see a clip about that check twitter and instagram and tiktok nobody would get your But how aggressive you are on the phone would suit any GPs. I'd be a GP. Just sit there and be like,

yeah, yeah, go ahead. Scribble dicks. What's this? It's your prescription. You work it out. What's wrong with it, Eddie? Oh, I'd be pro-fungal. Next.

Easy. COVID. Sort of. Fern says, if you absolutely have to, if you had to have a different international accent for exactly one year,

in all situations in life, like it's how you always talk for exactly 12 months, what are you picking? Woo! You're going full text. Draymond. I'm going to go for,

my name's Adam Rowe, and then I'm going to go for my name Adam Rowe. And then I talk now. Now, now, now, now. I think I'm going to get a lot more respect around these parts if I talk like this. I sound like I live a little. Yeah. Why do you have the speech impediment? Is there a problem with the mouth there?

It's just I had a head injury when I was four. I fell off a horse and landed straight onto an anvil. The old horse onto the anvil thing. And you were animated at the time. He's picked an accent to give himself a brain injury. I'm just, you know, I'm trying to give my character a little backstory. Good one, Fern. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. I got a big story. You did that on Australian. Fucking right. Oh, no. Fucking right. Fucking right. Fucking right.

That's gone so Australian, it's caught me. Fucking right. Well, could you Australian? You can't. I'm going Tajikistanian. Go for it. Go on. No.

No, I don't know what it is. That's how I'll lay what the accent is. Give it a go, though. Tajikistanian. Ladies and gents, welcome to... Is there a place called Tajikistan? It's Tajikistan, isn't it? Tajikistan.

Turkmenistan. Hello, I'm from Tajikistan They sing They're very songful people Like the Welsh Old guy from New Zealand No you won't

What's that I'll talk like this South Africa They're similar aren't they all little bit. South Africa is it? Is that it? It's a bit, they're similar aren't they? A little bit. Yes. Is Scotland international? No. No.

It is? No it's not. It is if you're from Belgium. I'd love some new sausage. It is if you're not from England. Yeah but you're from England and we all are from, well, it's not international, part of the United Kingdom. Sorry Scott.

I think I'm going to go Norwegian. Norwegian eh, Norwegian. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same.

I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going to go with the same. I'm going Sorry, Scott. I think I'm going to go Norwegian. Norwegian, eh? Not far from me, there. I fucking knew so when I was there. Pretty good. My Norwegian accent is... Yeah, I'm not far from Barman.

I'm far from St. Brillion. That's so Dutch. It also sounds a bit Northweilian. No, it's Norwegian. This is the voice of a Norwegian person. And I'll do Northwealian. It sounds exactly like that. Well, no, that means that everyone's from-

I can't build a difference between North Wales and Norway. They both start with N-O-R anyway. Fiji. I'm going for Norwegian, or one of the Scandinavian countries. That'd be hard, wouldn't it? Banging a Scandinavian lady who are pretty beautiful.

Israeli. She was like, oh my God, this is the best dick I've ever had. She's like Ronald Kubrick. So Ronald Kubrick. Shout out to the Norwegian listeners. Matt Battling says, which... Oh no, Batting, sorry sorry matt batting says too many t's in that matt batty question dun dun dun which disney character would be best on the shite on the coke yeah apparently lemo goofy make imagine goofy barn... The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Yeah, he's already bent over. Oh, no one wants to do afters with the Hunchback

slobbering all over your lines, racking up like... Have you seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell. Is that Hunchback of Notre Dame? No. I used to get called the Hunchback of Notre Dame in little school because of me eye. Naughty eye. Yeah, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. No. I used to get called the Hunchback of Notre Dame in little school

because of my eye. Naughty eye. Yeah, the Hunchback of Naughty Eye. That was the dinner lady in our school. Yeah, I got called Quasimodo

for a bit. Good God. I'd go Maui from Moana. I'd go The Little Mermaid. I'd be fucking great. Massive, jacked up

Pacific Islander coked up. You're essentially hanging out with animated The Rock. The Rock. I'm going with Rex. What? Rex. The dinosaur from Toy Story.

He looks like a good one. I mean, the answer's Snow White, clues in the name. Oh, well. Coke-fueled gangbang with seven dwarves. Go for it, girl. Why did you get to shag the dwarves? She was shagging all the dwarves. Here we go.

That is a fact. It's implied heavily. It is. It is implied heavily. She lives with seven men. She's not sucking any of them off. There's a lot of subtext with 1938 fucking Disney films. They're not children, are they?

They're dwarves. They're fully grown men. Look at them at the end of the page. Who's going to... Exactly. Names. Names. Happy, sleepy, bashful.

Bashful. He's bumming their head off. Yeah. Grumpy. Sneezy. He's bashing their arse full. Bashing their pussy. Sneezy.

Last person you want to do. Anyway. Doc. Doc. Dick. Bashful. Bashful. Bashful.

Bashful. What year was it? 1937, I think it says. Dopey. He's always potted off his head on the dope. Smoking dope. Great question, Matt. We're inadvertently doing a speed round.

Grumpy was initially called cumpy, but they changed that because they wanted to seem offensive. Fact. Cumpipe it was. I love your facts. Cumpipe. Sneezy. Cumpipe.

Cumpy for sure. Comma. Sneezy. Comm facts. Cump pipe. Sneezy. Cump pipe. Cumpy for sure. Comma. Sneezy. Comma. Cump pipe. That'd be him in the NHS. Got a sneezy cump pipe.

Sleeping Beauty could do with a line, couldn't she? She's a kip. Oh, ready to go again. How'd you do a line if you're a kip? You're waking up and she's like, I'm a bit fucking sleepy. She's like, everyone now, she's like,

fucking let's go. She was sleeping beauty. She wasn't groggy beauty. Well, I can't get up. Has this been a spell? No, I've been fucking playing Xbox still five.

I'm on my ass, mate. But at least I'm fucking dead fit. I'm sleeping Johnny. I don't know. Rob Smart says, if you had to liken your career to a footballer's journey who would you choose?

so what footballer is your career most like? Jamie Vardy I'm having Jamie Vardy oh that's a good shout well done good looking late bloomer

late bloomer first England cap at what 29? now he's doing all sorts he's finished now is he? Now he's doing all sorts. He's finished now. Is he? Yeah. He's no finish.

He's 28. He's no finish. And then Nimi. And then Nimi. I go on Virgil van Dijk. Always been quite good. But I'm coming into my own in my late 20s. And into my 30s.

Yeah. Who's your Jordan Pickford? What. Who's your Jordan Pickford? What? Who's your Jordan Pickford? Who's going to try and injure me? Yeah. I'm not going to name them

on a public episode. You got away with that, Carl. Carl? Perlo. Perlo. Just always good. Self-taught.

Yeah. Always good. Wonderful hair. Has he played in Japan? No, but he seems like he could have yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah or hidatoshi nakata either one he did now he did play in japan he did yeah okay and italy at the minute i think i'm i think at the at the minute current age freddie edu and we'll see where we go now mate we'll see where we go it's potential you're absolutely

worldly at 14 and now you're working fucking home depot. I think you might be Dele Alli. I reckon you're really good and everyone loves you. But too much pot and you're focusing on that and not your career

and you're going to end up back in Turkey. Dele Alli means crazy alley in Turkey. You must be having a lovely time. And I reckon Stee is Rafa Benitez. That was that was so deli alley it was beautiful tried to play for a bit but then went into management oh nice he's so offended

yeah he's rafa benitez come on um jrne says, I should have played the speed round. Joe Bow. Joe Bow, Ben-O. Joey Byrne says, all right, lads, life or death? Someone has a gun to your head. They say you have to save your own life.

You have to give someone an orgasm. Are you choosing a man or a woman? Lots of love, Big Joe. A woman? What? What? I've never given a man an orgasm. I don't think.

Maybe someone's not sure you never know I know how to make women cum yep is it a random woman or a random man that's the thing is Joe Burt

is it just basically like you know when you put like random number search in Google not search but you know you is it just any man or any woman? It's easier to make a man come.

So if you did, fine. Life or death, I'm telling you right now, I'd go man. Yeah, but it wouldn't come with someone you knew because I'm not coming if you whacked me off. Fact. I'd get you there. You wouldn't. Oh, I definitely would.

Random celebrity generator. So Tiger Woods or... Tiger Woods. Or, next one, Morgan Freeman. Oh, generator. So Tiger Woods or- Tiger Woods. Next one. Morgan Freeman. Oh no, you can use a woman. We need a woman. Go back.

I'm not wanking off Morgan Freeman. Dave Spell. Why are they all black men? Vin Scully. Can we have a woman please, Finn? I'm trying. Use the internet properly. Kirstie Alley.

Oh my God, I love Kirstie Alley. In Look Who's Talking. Oh. Got to get my own. I'll put it in a film called Look Who's Coming. Mate, I've got Tiger Woods coming in less than three minutes. I'll just do my Scandinavian voice. Do you like the tiger?

You love it. So this is Kirstie Alley now. Oh, she's dead. Doesn't matter. No, let's change it. She died last year. Apologies. I can still make a call.

Jackie Stallone is the woman. Can we have a random woman, please? Jackie Stallone. Another one. Ready? No. Jay Sean. What shall I?

Oh, my God. Brittany Murphy. Oh, she's dead? Stop picking. I just want a random celebrity generator. You come up with one then. They're all dead ladies. Jackie Stallone.

Keep it going. Carrie Underwood. Oh, Carrie Underwood. She'd be fucking sniffing my wood. Fuck Carrie Undermywood. She'd be screaming till tomorrow. I'd take Tiger. I don't know.

Carrie might just... You wanking Tiger Woods off rather than shagging Carrie Underwood? I'd rather die trying to make a hair come than even succeed making Tiger Woods come in. Wouldn't you? It just stands alone. Would you rather die with a face full of pussy

or live with a mouth full of cock? Why am I sucking him off? To get him to come? Oh, thanks, Coy, yeah. I'll just use two of his golf clubs. I'll just bend over and he can bum me head off. As far as I'm concerned, no, Kaya. I just, mate, I just used two of his golf clubs. I just bend over and he can bump me head off. As far as I'm concerned, no, you choosers. I'd rather die doing something I love.

I just want to. I'd rather die on my knees. I just wank off. In the pantry. Come on, Tiger, let's go to another room. I'm just quick, quick hand job for Tiger. Fucking, you were great in the Masters. Oh god then i was pow easy carry under one so you don't know what she's into you're mad yeah no i agree with adam yeah of course it was the obvious thing to agree with adam on it because you know you're heterosexual

heteronormative disgusting uh advice this is from jango the wango uh not my real name just wanted to hear dan say it got a bit of a dilemma been seeing my missus for nearly a year she's not like dead posh oh sorry i'm here to help been seeing my missus for nearly a year she's not like dead posh but her family are pretty well off anyway at the end of the summer she asked if i wanted to go skiing in the new year in the new year with her family and i said yes sound she asked if i could scheme for some reason i just lied and said yeah course she asked to what level and said pretty decent here's the issue never skied in my fucking life and now i've run out of time to learn what do i do here boys don't want to look like a pissed up

snow scruff on a mountain how do i blag this big love to all the lids that's from django the wango i will read any name that you put on any question break your own leg yeah sorry jump down the stairs break your own leg fucking carry on the wood it's obvious i'd rather break my leg in pussy fat. I wouldn't want to break my leg not going skiing. Fucking Tiger Woods. Is that the advice? Just say, I don't want to go skiing.

Yeah. Skiing's for gims like you and your family. Right. And then stay at home. Break up with her. I think you've got to style it out, Django.

I think you've just got to style it out. I've skied. It's fine. You'll you've got to style it out, Django. I think you've just got to style it out. I've skied. It's fine. You'll be all right. Just be like, oh, lads. Say you forgot. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't forget to ski, though. No, say you forgot to go to the airport. Don't go. And when she's like, where are you? Just go, forgot. Yeah, that is easier than breaking your own leg, isn't it? Yeah.

Forgot. You're with her. Just shoot her. I hate you and your family. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, so just go on a six-day bender with your mates and forget to go to the airport. Have you got mates that you could get six days out of,

bender-wise? Genuinely, I got one good night out of most of my mates and then like i've got stuff to do he doesn't know six benders it's always carl has to be carl of course it's carl um no i couldn't get six days i could probably get three oh no you just sub in don't you oh yeah of course have i got enough mates to get six days. I could probably get three. Oh no, you just sub in, don't you? Of course you could. Yeah, of course. Have I got enough mates to get six days? I can stay out with different people. Oh, I could get six months, mate.

That'd be a sad six month then. It would, yeah. I basically had it. That's life, yeah. Yeah, just, just, lad, just sit her down and go, look, I didn't grow up in a similar family to you. You've gone skiing for years. I've lied to make you feel.

Make her feel bad. Make her feel bad. No, I've lied to make you feel. Because I didn't want you to know that I didn't have the opportunity to go skiing. And I didn't want you to feel like you've got to check your privilege and stuff. So do us a favor. You just go skiing with your family and leave me here. Because the thought of going away with your mum and doing something I don't want to do

makes me feel really anxious and sad. I don't like her and I'm only putting up with her because I want to keep fucking you for a bit longer. That was so good there. You lost it at the end. You had it then. The whole check your privilege bit worked really nicely and then you basically went,

your mum's a cunt, so fuck off. And that ruined that last bit, didn't it? It might as well start, just flip them. Do you want another take on it? Do you want to try again? I'd really lean on it. That whole working class, you know, there's good, there you go. Well, let's role play it then.

So you're the girl. So you're trying to convince me to go. Darling, I can't wait to go skiing with mama and papa. Can I finish my fucking sentence? You scruffy working class little cunt. I'm sorry. Mama and Papa, Mummy and Daddy, they're coming back from the Caribbean islands

specially to go skiing with me. And I can't wait to go. Are you ready? You said you could ski to an intermediate standard. I meant to talk to you about that, to be honest. I've never been skiing, and I've been really anxious about this for a while. Really? Yeah. I don't want to go.

And also, I can't go. I've had some really bad news. No. Eddie, tell me. I've pulled my hamstring. Oh, no. It'll probably be fixed in like six weeks, but I definitely can't ski, and I feel like it's a waste of money. It's a six-week hamstring.

Oh, this is going to be so disappointing. The one that Michael Owen had. Oh. The one that sort of starts at the end of his career. Oh, no, I don't get the reference because I don't follow that sport. It ruined his career. Oh, did it?

You sound like Keira Knightley. Pardon? You sound like Keira Knightley. It is Keira Knightley. You need to do the teeth. That's how she talks, isn't it? I love your teeth, you know, Keira Knightley. Pardon? You sound like Keira Knightley. It is Keira Knightley. You need to do the teeth. That's how she talks, isn't it? I love your teeth, you know, Keira. My name's not Keira.

Oh, sorry, you look like Keira Knightley for a second. Is that all I am to you, just a Keira Knightley fantasy? Yeah. Wicked. Do you know what? My mum and dad are cunts anyway I know I've thought that for a while Should we just stay home and fuck

I mean you can I'd rather you go though I could do it a bit of a break from us To be honest Oh no I don't want it to go Just because we can't go skiing Don't say that it's over The way you know

The smell of chips I love it There's nothing like the smell of Two day old chips Coming off you as you go down on me and tongue-punch my fanny. That's a phrase you taught me, isn't it? That means cunnilingus.

How about this? You go away for a few weeks. I will. And when you come back, I won't only tongue-punch your fanny, I'll do your bumhole as well. Oh, that's so nice. I'll valet it.

Oh, wonderful. We actually have a man for that, but that's lovely. Puerto Rican. Well, I enjoyed that role play a little too much. And at the end of it, I thought about my bum hole. Lunch?

I need a butty, mate. You what? I need a butty. I need a butty. Thank you, everyone. What an eventful first half Got Kai a lovely pint of Guinness there Thanks man

I've resisted so far You're on the ropes there aren't you kid I love how working classiest I am that you put it in a plastic glass That's what they do with people at a gig where they think they're throw it at the stage. Kai, we don't own... You think there's a small chance

that I may chuck that at you at some point? Has anyone from Blythe ever actually had a glass pint? Fuck is from Blythe? We don't own the pub. Yeah. We went to the pub and asked for a takeaway pint of this. Oh, that's what happened?

So this isn't a carniv? No. Oh, look at you guys. We don't own the pub yet. Kai Humphries is here. Have a pint. Imagine I'll go to that pub. Have a pint.

Imagine never going in your own pub. Why would you not go in your own pub? I mean, there'd be some queue for the drinks if you two had anything to go by later. Hey! We went all fucking on the limo fingering our arses oh sorry

because you had a bit of pot and a pint mate we were actually working the restaurant special on Patreon it's so hard we worked that night it was insane

I saw how high we're not in the special because nothing we did was funny because we were just working we just had stuff to do. We just had a queue. Juicing limes for every mojito.

We make the best cocktails this side of Kansas, Kyle Humphries. You don't know what a mojito is? Go on. I dropped a glass and got the big... Dropping a glass. Oh, that's what's happened. I dropped a glass in the restaurant.

No, I got a plastic cup. I dropped a glass. And normally there's a cheer, right? Liker glas, a'r jugglau. Y chiad, fel Liverpool, yn cael eu gwrthdaro'n gwael, ac roeddwn i wedi cael eu gwrthdaro'n ymuno. Ac roeddwn i wedi gweld, ac fe wnes i edrych drwodd, fel, beth yw hyn, os oes gennych chi fi yn y swipsteg? Yw'r Llywodraeth yn ymuno,

oherwydd mae rhywun wedi cymryd o'i clwb stick. Is that a Liverpool dick there? Just because some murderers have taken over his club and made them relevant. It took people who chop people's heads off for a living.

That's their job. But New Arsenal United and now he's got a fucking attitude. That's their job. The executioners

in Saudi Arabia are so wealthy. They're buying clubs. I do feel like they must be a little bit pissed off that Man U and Liverpool

just went for sale. Because it's good that they bought us from my point of view if I put my blinkers on and deny the human rights shit and enjoy the football. But they must be going

we should have waited at the table. What would it take for their human rights violations to cross your line? What would be too much? Like for example if they cut someone's head off

at half time on the pitch, Alan Sheeters. Would you still support them? Mate, you'd have Abu Hamza as the fucking chairman. I was at the bar. I was at the bar. I was insane.

I didn't see it. Like, I'd be like, you know, when there's like a clear, like fucking wrong decision on a penalty and the manager's just like, I didn't see it.

I'm going to have to watch the replay. I'd be like that for like until the story went away about the beheading. I'm honestly happy to put the blinkers on you know when you like can't believe people still go to church

even though there's loads of fucking paedophiles in the catholic church and you're not just look at the club that you're in and think it's a bit fucking weird get over there sing the song

la la la la la la Jesus Howie Howie Howie Howie Howie Howie Howie drop the sentence off yeahie. Howie, Howie, Howie, Howie.

Drop the dentons off. Yeah, yeah, that's it. We don't know whether to sing Pizza Hut or not. That is a famous Newcastle United song. Howie, Howie, Howie, Howie. Howie, Ha, Ha, We. Yeah, they love that on the Gallagher. I realise, because I like to think

I've got a decent moral compass thing. I think I have, it's always changed. But I want to think I've got a decent moral compass thing I think I have it's always changed but I want to win silverware but I just seeing the lads just having a nice time

just singing Dan Byrne's name he's from Blythe and the Falklands you haven't really spent much money yet you haven't really for the position

you're in I think that's going to change isn't it one in every key position you might ruin it you might spend all the money

and fuck what you've got going now no they won't they're competing for the title at the minute and they're in

their adobio era we're all fucked we could have been we just got beat off Sheffield Wednesday showed our lack

of depth we've got a championship club outside of what's starting 11 right and I feel like I feel like

we're not just going to spunk a load of money on fixing that straight away we're just going to grow organically and that's going to be key because you're not going to have a shit ton of players

that think they should be the man and they should be on the pitch you've got a club of players that are like kind of get the the higher up otherwise you've got

Rubinho at City and it didn't work did it but it didn't work no Almanon though fucking Ballon d'Or contender you know what I think that player's Otherwise, you've got Rubinho at City. It didn't work, did it? But it didn't work. No. Almiron, no. Fucking Ballon d'Or contender. You know what?

I think that player's always been in there. What are you meant to do with Almiron if you've got 25% possession every single game? Yeah, that's probably... And now we've got possession, you get to see what player we've been missing the whole time. Who do you want? You've got the 500 billion,

and that's just what they say they've got. If you're talking about money's no object, forget about what we're competing for, who do I want? Jude Bellingham. 100% Jude Bellingham. Who do I think's realistic? Moussa Diaby.

I think that's the shout. I think you can have who you fucking want, though. If Newcastle signs Jude Bellingham, I'm going to stop watching football. All right, okay. He's meant to be mine. I don't think he's ours. He's meant to be ours.

If he's coming to the play-in against Liverpool without a doubt. That January without football will last less time than the... If they sign Drew Bellingham today, I'll be on crack

by the time I go to the dinner. Cool. I'd love to see that announced. You do not want Mbappé at your club. Mbappé keeps flirting with Liverpool, doesn't he? Yeah.

He keeps saying fucking drop me a DMs and that. Fucking Mbappé, you do not want him at your club. He's poisoning him. He's also the best player on the dropping your DMs and that. Fucking Bapper, you do not want him at your club, he's poisoning him. He's also the best player on the planet. No, he is,

absolutely he is, but he's fucking poisoned. Yeah, did you see that shit about Neymar's mother? Going out with a Twitch streamer and fucking caused chaos and that.

What? Who? Neymar's ma. He's going out with a Twitch streamer? Yeah, was it one of Neymar's parties? Mad. He shags his system as well, doesn't he, Neymar? And there was a 22- out with a Twitch streamer yeah was it one of Neymar's party parties mad and there

there was a 22 year old Twitch streamer there who's shagging Neymar's and now he's like got this like Neymar's ma looks like she's from fucking Breck Road

what the fuck are you fucking mad I'm so proud of my Nene look Scouse she looks like she's from Anfield look at her

she works in the chip look at her. She works in the chip. Look at her. You're all right, love. She calls her niece, our baby, 100%. She's got our baby's christening on Sunday for the fourth time. That is the Scousest looking couple I've ever seen. How are they Brazilian?

It's the Brazilian side of him. He's dying and he just married a Scouser. She is Scouse, mate. Look, she's got Sc side of him. He's dying and he just married a Scouse. Yeah, probably. She is Scouse, mate. Look, she's got Scouse earrings on. She's got Scouse earrings on. She's been to Turkey now, look at her teeth. Who are we, Neymar, lad? I'm your ma.

I'm from fucking Canny Farm. It's a place in Liverpool, I guess. It is. It's a lovely farm. I still can't get away with it. You know what? I like it. Here is out.

I'm trying to fuck Neymar's mum. I think it's going to work. I've nearly introduced myself to you twice. I've known each other for 15 years. Just because your crew's expanding. Every time someone wags in, I'll say hello. I'll introduce myself. I've nearly turned to you and introduced myself twice.

Hi, content producer. Miles. The problem I have, it actually suits you. It does look like a disguise. It suits you. Hi, content producer. Miles. The problem I have, you're actually two tier. It does look like disguise, two tier, but you know when, you know when I came with Tom Binns and had like fucking

porn on his computer, right? Child porn. And people that didn't, just, just. So just to recap, Tom Binns, the comedian, had child porn on his, one of his hard drives

and he pled guilty to five counts of making and one count of possessing. No, no. Five of possession. Slimmed it the of possession. No, it wasn't. No, it was five. You got it wrong. It's five counts of making and one count of possession. I mean,

it doesn't really matter how many of each. It's binary. It doesn't matter what scale of that you're on. It's binary. You're an honest mate. You're fucked, dude. In fact, he didn't fuck any trans kids. Binary. Like, it doesn't matter what scale of that you're on. It's binary. Like, you're a nonce mate. Yeah. You're fucked, dude. In fact, he didn't fuck any trans kids. Binary.

All binary. Yeah. Hear us out, Dan. Everyone that didn't know Tom Baines... I feel a little distracted. Go on. Everyone who didn't know Tom Baines gets a picture of Miss Ivan Brackenbury in Gans.

What, like, you just didn't know and showed the picture? I feel like if anything come out about you, the pictures of you in your goatee phase... Yeah....will make all of us look like you were hiding know and showed the picture. I feel like if anything come out of Boudie, the pictures of you in your goatee phase will make all of us look like you were hiding in plain sight.

He's bongers. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I'm rolling with it. I think fashion just, you know, tops that, doesn't it?

You look great. It's gone, you know. Next year's goatees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're ahead of the curve. You do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're ahead of the curve. You do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah.

Hide in plain sight. Thanks, guys. Thanks. Can I ask why there's a piñata? Where? Is that new? Literally next to your head. Oh, yeah, look at that.

There's a piñata. Why is that actually there? Who got it and why? I think Matthew's got it because it's your birthday and I think he wants you to use a black double-ended dildo to smash it open.

Right. Right, cool. But is this for me? It is for your birthday and I think he wants you to use a black double-ended dildo to smash it open. Right. Right, cool. But is this for me? It is for your birthday. Right, I'm gone. I'm gone. He's got to be blindfolded,

don't he? Yeah, you're blindfolded. Why? Also, what? Because that's a piñata. You don't just... You don't... But also, in a time schedule,

if you need to do it quick, otherwise it looks weird. What? What do you mean? That's not how piñatas work, is it, Carl? You expect him to not get it? You've got to do it with one hand in your mouth.

He's not... Listen, lads, I'm not Neymar's man. I'm not... Do you get it? Because she's fucking someone. Put it up your arse and sit down on the desk. No, I'll have a whack at it, but I haven't got a blindfold, so... We'll build up to that.

Shall we close on the piñata, boys? I feel like Adam blindfolded, double-ended dildo in a piñata is a bit of a closing move. It's also the audio content people have been wanting. Oh, they love it. Well, I'll give them the audio description. Can I not just punch his head in instead? I think that's better.

I don't want to use this. I'm going to punch his head in. Happy birthday to you. Is that a birthday piñata? Apparently so, yeah. Because Adam's Mexican. I am. Part Mexican. One sixteenth. Which sixtata? Apparently so, yeah. Because Adam's Mexican. I am. Part Mexican.

One sixteenth. Which sixteenth? Me nan's nan. Your nan's nan. Yeah. Oh, Mrs. Maria. Sanchez.

Maria Sanchez. Bro. Apparently we're going to tie you up. We're going to put a bin bag over you then. Come on, we're an hostage video. Then shag him. Forget what we're doing. Playing cartel piñatas. Watch Adam's special or we're in a hostage video then shag him forget what you're doing playing cartel

piñatas watch Adam's special or we're gonna off him how are you Kai? I'm good we've seen you once in the last year really when we did the

Luban special you know what because I come doing for the that was fucking class by the way I really enjoyed that being a waiter

you know when people have done like TV comedy they get offered loads of jobs in comedy straight after i've been offered every restaurant up and down the country i really like i've got friends that are working in that industry right and i'm like we really fucking leaned on the fact that everybody knew it was a thing yeah like if i was to be an actual waiter i would have been fucked. The fact that everybody expected something

was... Because I even said E. I was like... I was a bit too serious about it beforehand. I was like, I actually want to put on a good... I want to make them get a good service. I think the humour might be in between the lanes, but if I try and be a good... And you're taking this far too

seriously, Kai. And me taking it seriously lasted about 30 seconds. When did you have your first spliff? Like about half an hour before the first customer. Right, yeah. So you were taking it too seriously just before the first customer.

I was trying to calm the nerves. You can wait on a bit of pot. You can have pot and wait. Speaking from experience. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I didn't understand when I see is magic now.

How people remember what, like not, so you get orders at the table and write them what they had. How do they remember who has what? Like you come back like 45 minutes later with the food. How do you know,

you ordered the chicken, you ordered the fish, you ordered that. Does that make it a good server? Are you writing little shorthand codes on your form? Are you actually remembering that? I mean, if you writing little shorthand codes on your form are you actually remembering that

I mean if you go to a restaurant some people go who ordered you know the waiters sometimes but really good ones get it I think

because I was going to learn who ordered the fish but the people who remember you've got the fish they shouldn't be waiting tables they should be in Vegas making bank

at the fucking card tables because they've got a level of skill that is far too above the limit. A well-known casino game in Las Vegas. Playing cards. Who ordered the chicken? It's called.

Just remembering. It's like five people ordered a dish, and then they go, right, which one said the chicken? And if you get it right, it's five million pounds. Halloumi bites. Yeah, it's basically like reading cards, isn't it? Halloumi is a good way to say enjoy. Halloumi.. Yeah, it's basically like reading cards, isn't it? Halloumi is a good way to say enjoy. Halloumi. Hula hoop.

You stole the show, though. Yeah, I got a lot of comments there, Kai, that you were the... There was a lot of good feedback off it. I couldn't believe it, because I didn't see as very much, but when I come to the arena show and walking through the arena,

every cunt had seen us on the special. Yeah. And I felt like fucking, you know what it was like as I was watching this from the side lanes, I felt like, you know,

when Fat Ronaldo was at the UFC. And the camera like cuts onto him and that. I was like, fucking hell, it's Art 9. People were coming up and getting photos

with his nappy mate. I was like, what the fuck happened there? What's going on? I was like, I think I dropped a glass. What have you been up to the past year? Well, in the all of November, I've been refurbishing a factory unit

into an indoor dog soft play. We've done that last week. What else have you been up to? So you've opened an indoor dog soft play ready for the Christmas parties it's my last business it's a family business I'm helping as much as I can

right like as much as I can while continuing to maintain a stand up career yeah but it's like one of them ideas I fucking love it

I really love it I really love what we've created but it's like one of them ideas where you're coked off your mind at seven o'clock in the morning in your mate's fucking kitchen. You're looking through

empty tab packets and you're like, yeah, you know, it would be class. An indoor dog soft play. Has it got a pun title? No, no, because literally all were taken.

All the good ones. I looked up like Box and Recreation and it was taken by Dog Walkers. That's perfect as well. So good, right? Dog Walkers in Glasgow. I looked up Ruff and Tumble. R-U-F-F and Tumble.

Soft play for dogs, good. A regular kid, soft play. I'd used the pun, Ruff, R-U-F-F. I don't know why. No dogs related. Wasted pun. What about Woof and Tumble? Mate, all gone.

Really? I tell you, I've went through every single dog pun. So we went for the of woofing Something Mate all gone Really I tell you I've went through Every single dog pun So we went for The Dug and Bone Like Dug's a Scottish Slang D-U-G

The Dug and Bone Soft play for dogs It eh It's really weird That Neymar's mum Came back up And I've opened it With Neymar's

Fucking mum That's us on the left That's us It eh It's fucking You know what She had the idea right she got she got made redundant she was working on a job where in travel where she she was in hr and she was

having to make everyone redundant all the way through lockdown just took all the spirit of the job demoralizing as fuck you're just making people redundant shit job and then it was just got to a point where they were like now do you do yourself and she got a redundancy payout so she started like thinking what else do i want to do started computer programming so going from hr to like not working with people at all yeah it's like in her head and then she just kind of settled on this idea i was like talking about like what do you really want to do what do you like or just having conversations what would your dream job job dream job be and she was like to just work with dogs in like a dog park do you have a dog aye

yeah aye Peggy because it would be it's good that you have a dog but you didn't miss the I own a dog bit and then go straight to dog soft play

mental yeah yeah I just want to be with dogs all the time I just want to be with dogs I just want to get a dog so we don't have to get a fucking there's a lot of dog soft play

stuff now there's a lot of like dog daycare centres isn't there like all around the country there's one my ex-girlfriend used to take her dog to in Liverpool there's a few and she soft play stuff now. There's a lot of dog daycare centres, isn't there? All around the country. There's one that my ex-girlfriend used to take her dog to in Liverpool. There's a few and she tried four of them and then picked one.

Like a nursery? Yeah, but there's none for other animals. I'm just thinking there might be a gap in the market. Hello. A cat play centre or a parrot play centre. Where do you drop your tiger off when you've got a ship? I want a pet tiger because it's illegal in the UK. I want a ball pit for my alpaca.

People do have salamanders. Where's the salamander play centres? It's a great point. My dad's down, actually. Salamander soft play. Rolls off the top. That wasn't taken, surely. The big sticking point for us was the hygiene. We're like, why hasn't it been done?

Why is it so uncommon? Why, when you Google it, there's one like 500 miles from your house house but there's nothing nearby when loads of people have dogs and we're like it's probably the hygiene is the main thing so we just got like right on top of that like everyone that comes in we're just like we've got sanitation stations or like if your dog makes a mess you just clean up after immediately give it a spray wait we do no blue roll we've got you know them like nappy bins where you can like twist it run and it like kind of wraps up and shrink wrap and drops dune so there's these smell glade plugins or whatever they're called the febreze plugins dotted around the room it's been out for two

months and it's still fresh as fuck how many dogs can you have what's capacity 3 000 dogs you know our capacity for we've done it based on the floor the the area, right, and what they use for the doggy daycares. And 17 is what they said. And we had that many in for Dashound, the same breed as Wallace. So we felt like 17, that's the capacity for them, right? So let's get

that many in for this group meeting of sausage dogs, sausage sundaes. And I'll come in. Hang on, do you actually do sausage dog sundaes? It just so happens to have been on a sundae. Because they book in when they want. It's a private booking. So they could book in any time they want, but they just

so happen to have been booking in on a sundae, so just being Instagramming it as sausage sundaes. So it was perfect for the dogs that I'm owned. They're a small enough dog, right? Perfect for them. There's 17 of them running around. But every dog comes with two or three's 17 of them running around but every dog comes with like two or three people

that want to hang out with that dog too many people in there so we'll put it down to 10 we're like 10 10 because not because we think

it kind of fit more than 10 dogs because we think it kind of be comfortable with more than 20 people so it's like an hour you book like an hour

you can book it for an hour but there's a discount if you book two hours so if you want to stay for and the same as if you've got two dogs if you want to come for an hour we had dogs hours. Oh, okay. So if you want to stay for, and the same as if you've got two dogs, if you want to come for an hour,

we had dogs, the second was discounted. So like if people want to stay for longer, I get another dog. And do you just, we're still figuring out how to do it, the timing. Do you want to go?

Do you do it by breed, or is that just chat? It's not like Rottweiler? No. Rottweiler? Rottweiler. Rottweiler. Rottweiler Wednesdays.

You don't just do breed days. No. Right. What we have done is we've had small dog sessions and large dog sessions. So that if, yeah, I use the pun rough. Rough. Oh, like woof.

Just keep it natural. Nice. But people have started booking it for the breed because they've already got a group. They've got a WhatsApp group that they're chatting in for their breeds. So they've booked that. But because we've got a Cav group that they're chatting in for their breeds. So they've booked that. But because we've got a Cavapoo,

Natalie's put on this week a Cavapoo session for people to come and do that because she wanted to organise her own firework dog. And on a normal day, any dog can go in. But obviously you go,

is your dog a fucking psycho? Yeah. Yeah. So it's just going to be psycho Saturdays. All the men's are going to Saturday. Saturday night. They have a fight

and one's one of them's left and the rest are dead. I run a bookies on that day. I'm like, clean up your own blood if your dog bleeds. Plug the glade in.

Stinks of blood in here. Do you have to like vet the dog? No, he's not a vet. He's a comedian. I am a comedian but it's like you've done the restaurant takeover

where he's done a vet takeover where I just do surgery on dogs and all that I've done a couple of historical movies if like a big fella

comes in you're like nah he's too like a little fucking miniature and then a massive one turns up there's house rules

that they've got to like click that they've read the house rules the dog what? the dog has to read them the dog's got to read them if the dog can't read they're not coming in we've got bad business man hardly

any dogs so there's a couple of things they kind of have an unutilized male dog because the hump everywhere i couldn't in the dog park it's just a brothel in it for them brutal for that sexy that's another business a dog brothel dogs who aren't getting any pussy bring them here have a go with Sheila the dog Sheila the dog why are you

pimping the dog out what Sheila what's she done she just loves dog cock is she a dog she just calls it

cock Kai you're writing all this down that dog can never end up with one with wheels because it would be

Sheila's wheels get your people cock out of lockdown don't do it yeah Sheila's just a dirty little poodle just a shagger

oh no it's a dirty shagger I feel like a cock blocker now I've got me whistling me old lifeguard days you have not the sugar dog brothel of course not

honestly of course not Honestly Of course not Because you used to be a lifeguard I would love it If your own dog softly Stop petting the dog Stop petting your dog Stop sniffing that arse

On your dirty little bastard Doggy style That would be a great name For a dog brothel It would be What? Or just dogging Dogging

Nah it's not the same Because you're not making Them fucking a car The dog and The dog and boner. Oh, I like it. The bumming dogs. So, there's a couple of rules we had to put in.

There's the knee bumming. Oh, no bumming? The knee bumming. Whoa, a homophobic dog centre? I'm not having this guy. Is that for the people? That's men and women. It's because it's in Scotland.

People don't allow the bum. Mate, I'm a cock block? What can I say? Are you allowed vaginal sex? Keep reading. Number two. No pussy. All right.

But not if you look. You've got to look away. Can they suck each other off? Look, there's a grey area. Is that what you call it? This is all multi-coloured. That's the grey area. Get up to where you are. The grey area in the corner. Dogs can't see colour.

Everything's a grey area for a dog. Yes. Fantastic. I can't wait to punch this donkey's head in. But when I'm saying all these rules, like, you can book

a private session in your dog and fuck off at once. You can bring your non-nuclear dog into a private session, but don't bring them into a public session

and have it fuck someone else's dog. Same with like, we don't let kids in because if there's a dog, like, we can't trust other people's dogs.

There wasn't enough segue then. Nah, you're going to fuck Do you even bring your kids If the dogs start fucking kids That is a very That is a very dark grey area

Big dog as well Your dog's shagging me kid Ah well My lads is going to watch this episode again Well it's pedo Tuesday What am I meant to do We've fucking done the branding Your lads is going to do? We've fucking done the branding.

The last one's going to be watching this episode. It's a family business. Got to protect the brand. Got to have the biggest podcast in the country and just tagging every Pedophile Tuesdays at the dog bar. Just to be clear, there is no Pedo Tuesday. Have you had any famous people rented out for one there is no Pedo Tuesday. Have you had any famous people rent it out

for one dog yet? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. People who've got like maybe as a rescue dog that they've entrusted

not biting another dog or whatever. Do they have the whole gaff for the dog? They'll have the whole gaff for themselves. Is that expensive? Because the first time

we've gotten a dog off the lead. Now, it's nine quid a dog to come in on a public session, right? But you can book it

for 40 quid for like, you've got it there yourself and you get four dogs in there and every dog after that is on a public session right but you can book it for 40 quid for like you've got it yourself and you get four dogs in there and every dog after that's a fiver so if you want to have a birthday party for your dog it actually ends up cheaper than if you come to a public session and what is there like is it there isn't can't be a ball pool with dogs pissing there's a ball pool right cool we've got systems in place for hygiene we've got a bag of clean balls ready and if a dog pisses in the bowel pool, we'll

fucking switch it out and start washing piss off bowels immediately. So we've got two ball pools on the go, so if one's got piss in, the other one's still out. I wouldn't even worry about that, because a wacky warehouse is definitely pissing that ball pool, because kids piss in them. I've pissed in them. Now.

You've got to use the tent to check it. You have never pissed in a wacky warehouse ball pool. He did it from got used to tenting. He stood outside of it. You have never pissed in a wacky warehouse before. He did it from the top of the slate. I've got a red vest on. Where it is?

It's on yours. The one with ginger hair. The Valga ginger hair. All the blonde ones. I've had a burroca. Do you know what? Dogs have got it good. Kids have got it good.

There should be an adult wacky warehouse. There is? Where? Like the Ninja Gaffs? No. A wacky warehouse just with bigger slides. I would go to that. I would.

I'd have had my birthday there today. Isn't there a place in Liverpool that does that? Adult play. I think you've told me about somewhere. Hard play. In Liverpool. It's got a ball pit and everything. Yeah, it's like Ninja Warrior, but like it's...

No, he's thinking of Balls Deep. Oh, that's a gaff. That's a bar. That's a boozer. With a ball pool. Yeah, but there's no slide. What's the point of no ball pit with no slide? Right, have a pint is having...

When we buy it. Oh my God, we have an adult soft play upstairs. Yeah. Cool. So you're trying to have a pint, and you have a bump and run upstairs. So you're there for Pedo Tuesday. We could get the floor downstairs

and turn it into an adult play centre. We don't need more production space, but we do need an adult play centre. You need a massive ball pit. Let's talk business. Matthew, can you get on that? We know how much downstairs costs. Matthew, can you not?

How much do you think you'd be knackered within five minutes of playing an adult soft play? Well, a couple of years ago... You'd have a stitch, you'd be sweating your back, an adult softball well a couple of years ago you'd have a stitch you'd be sweating your back for my birthday

a couple of years ago my girlfriend got me two hours access to a trampoline park and I was a bit like I didn't say this to her because she didn't want to seem ungrateful

I was like fucking just two hours it's fucking shite isn't it for me whole birthday you're not doing anything physical for two hours. Eight minutes in, I was just like, I need to go and have a sit down and a can of Coke.

It's so strenuous. Get in a duck shop for a pop. I spent most of the time, there's a big sort of board to try and score footies in. The cut holes in the corners and that. I spent most of the two hours just kicking footies into that. Did you hire the whole place to yourself? No.

Was there other people there? It's £40 and £5. I felt really sad for Adam's birthday then. There you go, Adam. Take him off the lead. Go on. There you go. Two hours.

There's the trampoline. Quavers. I need quavers. It's really tough. But yeah, trampolining is fun. It's just tiring. Yeah. I used to work at the sports centre and I would have the trampolines and put them out and I'd'n tynnu. Ie. Roeddwn i'n gweithio yn y canolig gwyddon oedd yn gweithio â'r trampolino a chadw'r rwynt a fyddai'n gweithio.

Roedd y ffermwr sy'n gweithio yno yn trampolino mor ffodd, oherwydd mae'n ffodd trampolino. Rwy'n siarad wrth ddod. Yn ystod y tro, byddai blant yn cael eu llwyddo neu'r pethau, a byddai'n ffodd yn ffodd yn ffodd. Byddai'n ffodd yn ffodd, ac fe fyddai'n ffodd yn ffodd. Byddai'n ffodd yn ffodd, ac fe fyddai'n ffodd yn ffodd. Ac fe fyddai'n ffwrdd yn ffwrdd. Mae'n ffwrdd yn gwirioneddol. Mae'n gwneud yn ffwrdd yn ffwrdd o'r trampolini.

Mae'n debyg ei bod yn cael trampolini yn ei ystafell yn ogystal â'i. Mae'n gimpio. Rwy'n gobeithio ei fod yn gwylio. Ie, a wnaeth i ddweud i chi mai fi wedi bwyso'r tŷ? Yn debyg ei fod. Dwi wedi bwyso'r tŷ rwy'n byw yn ystafell nawr. Roedd y trampolini wedi'i adeiladu i mewn i'r gwrdd. Roedd yn dod yn llaw. Roedd yn dod yn llaw ac wedi'i plantio yn y pit. Felly roedd yn lefel gyda'r gras. Ond roedd yn ymgyrchu o'r dde. inbuilt into the garden. They dug a hole in. Right, and planted it in the pit, so it was

level with the grass, but it was backed up against the fucking pebble-dashed wall. If your kid's boonst on it, you're just scraping up like a cheese grater. Take their face off. That sounds more like an escape route than a fucking... That sounds like you're running

through the garden, bounce, and then you're over the wall. Oh, yeah, I just get out of bed Straight out the window, boing into the next door's garden Steal some clothes off of the wall Did it just fill up with water though? Oh, because we took it out We wrenched it out, we filled it up with gravel And fucking put some decking over the top of it

You boring cunt It's boring but I think it's the reason we got the house Without any challenge during a time when houses were at a premium Because it's a nice house You should should have done that right but then put the trampoline back so whenever someone tried to rob your house they were like I'll have a go at the trampoline bang splash straight on the decking yeah home alone three the greatest home alone put decking straight underneath the gravel canvas because burglars are well known for they love a trap they can't they want to get away and commit the crime. And you know, they don't want to get caught,

but they cannot resist a trampoline. They can't admit it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The bouncy bandits. Oh, they are close. John, come on, the police is on the way. Trampoline here, Keith. John and Keith, Kev robbers.

That's why all banks now have a little trampoline just at the side so if anyone comes to rob the bank like give us your money the police are here a couple of seat drops way low fuck you HSBC

25 minutes do you want to leave you should go you must have that in your house like trampolines and shit. I do, yeah. I have a decent trampoline. It got made by an angry Estonian man.

I paid extra. Is there any other cane? You're absolutely right. I paid extra to have someone come and make it and judge me as he did it. Why did he judge you? Well, because I couldn't make my own trampoline. No, we spoke about this.

I know. Carl, I'm on your side. I paid the Estonian man. There's some things you've got to let people do. You don't trust yourself to make your own trampoline. Thank you. That's exactly. It's a fucking decent trampoline. Annetta is not that arsed about it.

I'm hoping she's like, but it's a good one. Jack's always on his mind. You know, every time I'm doing a job that's somebody else's job, I always feel shitty. Even if it's like painting, a simple job like painting, who's something like, there's painters.

Like it's when people like compare their own, and I compare my own gig, right? I'm an exception. I am also a stand-up comic. But when people who aren't comics compare their own gigs. Yeah.

But when you turn up at a gig and it's like the landlord's going to go on first and bring the show up. I'm there with a paintbrush guy and this is someone's craft, man.

You've got to be respectful of the artist. Did you paint the whole dog soft play yourself? Did you do all of it yourself? I mean, Natalie done the majority of everything, right?

It's a family business. It's a family business. I'm just saying, I'm off on two with Daniel. But one thing I did do, because we're getting so out of place that the fucking capital

wasn't going to be worth what we thought we'd bring back in, was the floor, right? It was going to cost us tens of thousands to get the floor done. And I didn't know anybody that could do it for us. And I just got in touch with an ex-squaddie. Have you met him?

Soppert. Geordie lad. He's dealt with his own PTSD, but he's still got a little bit of something behind his eyes that you can get off of. I've hung out with him with your gav

in his back garden because he's got like a jacuzzi, hasn't he? In his back garden. Me and Arshby have plugged into the street lights. Can we ever go in the jacuzzi?

Not till about seven That's amazing I fucking love blind I spent all day in his back garden Why isn't there snow on your roof? Stop it I like it warm I just got in touch with him I was like warm so I

I just got in touch with him I was like have I laid a floor before he went nah I was like we've got like because robot floor you've got to have like

something that's non-porous like and also it's got a bit of grip for the dogs yeah so like we're like should we give it a go

and he was like I'll do some research and come up and him and one of our pals came up and free we did it and it fucking took forever and like, I'll do some research and come up with him and one of our pals came up with Freya and we did it and it fucking took forever. And it is bubbled.

Like if a professional had, it's one of them jobs, right? Where if you come in and went, which fucking cowboys did your floor? And I went, oh, we did it with Sel.

You're going, good job, that. Solid job, that. You paid for that? No. Well, actually, you've done all right. And then when you look at it

and you're going, the dogs don't care. They're having a nice time. There's a couple of bubbles in it, but we've glued it doing pretty good, I think, and got it level. There's not too many gaps. In the gaps that we did have,

we've managed to... Where is it? Is it in East Kilbride? East Kilbride. I think they're one of them towns that don't like being called Glasgow. No, they don't. Yeah, it's not.

They don't like being called Glasgow, but they like the G postcode. Yeah. I guess it's I should understand that a bit more I went to uni with a guy called Grant from East Kilbride yeah

he was the biggest Rangers fan ever like they they're obviously Glasgow influence shout out East Kilbride aye and eh they don't say

kill bride do they kill kill me bride they don't say East Kilbride Kilbride I can't do the voicerita i wonder if that's where it comes from i wonder if someone killed their bride and he lived there yeah it is they made up the two different words and put them together yeah yeah yeah no it was he's killed his bride

i love blithe oh thanks man i really i really love it and i love that you run your gig Oh yeah, sure. That's in the West. I love Blythe. Oh, thanks, man. I really love it. And I love that you run your gig there. But my, honestly, my idea of Blythe is that it's just batshit. Oh yeah, but it's self-aware batshit, I feel. No, but there's just a really,

every time I gig for you up there, I've been there and there's just this amazing, like I can't quite put my finger on it. Blythe is very similar to where I'm from in Dovey. Dovecott and Blythe. Whenever I've done Blythe for the boxing, for the gigs that you've done up there and even like going into Ashington and that,

they all remind me of the area of Liverpool I grew up in, not West Harbour. It's like Dovey it's dead friendly but there's a fucking there's a bit of an energy there I think it's anywhere that's got like

a level of disconnect from the like you know because there's no real transport links out of life so like people do go on holiday

and go out to the city and like go out to Newcastle and fucking get about or work or whatever but like you generally you've got this microcosm and you build your own

fucking language in it and I guess that's what Pityak is. You know the pit talk from Ashton? It's because you've just got this kind of disconnected village that starts evolving on its own. Can you speak it? Pityak. Dina Herbner Spongebob's dog-cow term doesn't like the whack

and the snare unless he wears a perm-perm hat to keep his lugs warm from the cat. Do you know what Spongebob's dog is called? He doesn't like the snow so he wears a perm hat to keep his lugs warm from the cat. Do you know what Spongebob's dog is called? He doesn't like the snow so he wears a hat to keep his ears warm. Yeah, pretty much. That's insane.

I love that. It's class. The Ashton accent is so unlike any other. It's like there's this, I saw something on the internet where it was like a translation and it was like term,

right, T-E-R-M, the semester in school in ashton term short for thomas they'll just be a million of them sick i love that i love that great yeah so i think them small towns start like developing their own sense of humor their own language their own fucking yeah like it's class. They develop a lot of character. And it's a bit of a shithole. Yeah, of course it is. But that's why comedy works very well, Leigh.

It's one of the best gigs ever. Are you still running it? Yeah, it took a little while getting back going after the lockdown. That's my brother. I had a baby and he's the one that's the brains of the operation. I booked the gig and I hosted it, but Gav does everything. A lot like everything I do in my life. The dog parks,

I'll Natalie, but I put my name on it. I put my name on it. My stand-up career, well, Daniel Sloss, I put my name on it. I just sit here coasting through life.

Thanks, guys. He's a running a tight ship. I appreciate you all. I'm just going to be playing God of War 5. But I wear, what I love about it I think you both agree

because you performed there is that they don't have a style of comedy that they like they're just like funny if you go in and you're dark love it if it's funny if you're going in silly

whimsical love it if it's funny if you're going in like fucking anecdotes love it if it's funny you can go in with any style of comedy and if you're classic they'll love it

they just take it at love it I did your gig at a time when the circuit was like it was fine hot water hadn't taken off like it'd taken off and you were like

yeah come up it's like you were like 250 quid on a Tuesday and I was like what? Was this when I was doing it at the

leisure centre? Mate no it was in the working men's club and you had shit balls and you were in the working men's club and you had shit balls yeah you were selling shit balls because that was what you'd raid yeah i had at school and there was about 300 people there on a fucking tuesday dressed up no it genuinely felt and gav was like in charge of it but it honestly felt like everyone was like a close personal friend of gav

i think it's changed my like i have never hot water's amazing but hot water you play and yeah there's loads of scousers there but you ask people where they're from and because of paul and because of reach of hot water people are from everywhere yeah that gig put 250 and then you were like mate do you want to stay over because there's a wednesday gig as well because we sold that one out so quickly we're going to do it on the wednesday as well i've never seen a gig like it. It's meant as well. And it's actually tricky for me to compare

because if I'm comparing a regular gig that's got different audience members coming, I'll be able to chat to people in the front row. I fucking have, every cunt.

I'm like, I'm trying to like, you know, if you go to see a mate do stand up, you wouldn't sit at the front because you don't want to put them off.

Well, everyone's your mate there. Everyone's your mate. Yeah. So like, it's like fucking, it's like performing at my own birthday party.'s a very special thing and if you are from the northeast and not necessarily from right where these shows are in blythe and ashington and places like that check out punch drunk comedy and travel for it because they are as good and as good of an energy as you will ever get at a comedy show so don't be thinking about going into newcastle

city center if you're from sort of the northern towns of Newcastle, near Newcastle. Darwin Chef, Punch Drunk Comedy House. We'll take a break in a minute, but you said you had a couple of things to plug before we started. Yeah, you know what? Mentioning Punch Drunk, I've done a show based on me and my brother's relationship

growing up as children, creating Punch Drunk a as a thing and then and then using the fact that we've galvanized the community using that to create this comedian's boxing event that you'd use what that um you fought in yeah adam um to raise money for kian musgrove who needed life-saving treatment in america i think last time was on the podcast we'll cover that extensively so i'll not go over it anymore but if you want to watch the whole punch drunk story of me me brother and what we did for Kian, that's on my website now.

The website's live. And what's the website? www.kaihumphries.com I get to use my own name. One of the rare websites with just two Ws before the start. Everyone's like, era 404. Do go and check that out, because I seen that show

in Edinburgh when you first did it and it was absolutely spectacular there we go let's have a look and also while you're on

sorry mate I'm on tour I know as well I'm going to come to Liverpool and Manchester so I'll be in the North West and I'm going to go

to Glasgow going to go to London going to go to Leicester small tour is this the first one or have you done this before mischief no have you done this before?

Mischief. No, have you toured before? No. You know what? I've never pitched anything as a tour because I've always, like, even Punch Drunk, I'd done in New York, I'd done in Tasmania,

I'd done in a bunch of places, but it was like scattered gigs over the course of a couple of years and I never brought myself to call it a tour. This one's the first time where I'm starting to string them together.

Go and see Kai's unbelievable comic. You'll love it. Break love it break time break time appreciate you lads ah this is a nice little touch are we good should we give him a cake i'll be blessed the bottom yeah oh are we singing? Happy birthday. Shall I turn the mic down a bit? To you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Adam. What's his name again?

Adam. Mama like that. Happy birthday to you. The numbers are the wrong way around. This is 13. That was mental age. Mental age. Mental age. Mental age.

Wow. Is it... I'm not allowed to tell you how many you wish, am I? No. Hip, hip. Go on. Go on.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Have you seen me? That was the absolute show. Why do you wish for this everything shit? Oh, no. No.

No. Smoke streets quick. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah. Wah, Oh, no. No, smoke straight to quick. Waf, waf, waf. LAUGHTER I don't even want to do that. LAUGHTER What did I miss? I looked over there for one second.

That's what I wish for. Oh. That's a time bomb. Oh, no. Waft it. Waft it. Someone waft. No one's wafting. No, it's a fire alarm. It's not a smoke alarm.

There's no smoke alarms in here. There's no smoke without. They're putting your clothes back on is the worst part of stripping. Stripping's fine. Do you know how we won Vegas a couple of years back, and me and Sloss went down to play on the casino. Play on the casino. And one of my mates stayed in bed, and we won a couple of years back, and me and Sloss went down to play on the casino. Play on the casino. And one of my mates stayed in bed,

and we won a bit of money, and we come back up and made it rain on him. Like, fucking put all of the fucking notes on my hands and just fucking while he's lying in bed where he's been doing stairs making this money ride. Soon as I get fun, you've got to pick that shit straight back up. You've got to be on your hands and knees going,

has anyone got seen $13? I'm doing $13. It's fucking shade. Do you have a system in the casino, Kai? Because I have a foolproof system. 11 and its neighbours on the roulette.

I'm an 11 man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, not its neighbours, though. Its neighbours can go fuck themselves. Just 11. I'm 11. 11 and a few other numbers

that I like the look of. 0, 7, 11, 13, 17, 21, 24, 31 and 33. Just hedging your bets. Oh, and 27 as well. And all the red ones. Is that your number? Is that your phone number? What's the system?

They're the numbers I like to show. Zero, because it's different to the rest of them. Seven, because lucky number seven. Eleven, my birthday. Thirteen, my dad's birthday and my brother's birthday. Seventeen because it helps you get to 21 across a roulette board. It's like a little journey. Twenty-one.

I just like 21. Twenty-four is Carl's birthday and my mum's. They're all quite like live, laugh, love numbers, these. Yeah. Seven and 21 and that. You try my system at a casino and tell me you don't walk away a millionaire. I will. Which Adam is.

I will. I'm just going to have to remember when your brother's birthday was. Adam's a roulette millionaire. No, I haven't won a million pounds in there yet because I don't want them to get suspicious of me. I'm just winning it in small increments. I go every few months, win a couple of grand and then just go, oh, me? No, I'm just winning it in small increments. I go every few months win a couple of grand

and then just go oh me? No I'm just I'm just a regular customer. I don't know what I'm doing. Have I won again? Oh no. Happy birthday Liz.

I've got such a bad headache. I'm going to need a nap before this meal tonight. It started well this birthday didn't it? Release the special. Did you not wish for not having a headache?

We wish to see your dick and balls, and he gave him a headache. I actually can't tell you what I wish for, Kai. Do you believe in that shit? Yeah. Do you like... Do you actually? Yeah.

What's the point in not believing in it? Because it's not real. What's the point in thinking that? How does that help you? I mean, it doesn't help me. Exactly, this helps me. I think in four weeks' time, I'm going to have a bigger dick. You've ruined it.

Or have I? Well, you've believed in it and you don't. I wish for a smaller dick, actually, because it's inconvenient. You're in fucking luck. Oh, man, I hate that shit. Like, Natalie wouldn't walk over free drains. That's me. I won't do that.

Don't do that. Oh, shut up, man. We lived in London. It took us about an extra fucking 20 minutes to get anywhere. There's people on push trains trying to get through, and you're fucking whacking around drains. No, you walk on two and then step around the last. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. That's exactly what you do. I just realised that you're being a child. No. What's the point in not believing? Just hopscotching around fucking London. Because if you stand on that last one and you fall through, what's the point in not believing?

I'd rather break my leg. Like a man. You know what? I think there was legit reasons for these superstitions in that they probably weren't safe before health and safety. So if you walk along free trains, you're a fucking idiot because you're going to get through that. Three times as likely, yeah. Like putting your trainers on the table.

Of course. Whoa! These two are such old scouse mars when they get going. Does your knee hurt when it starts raining, boys? Like it's if you put your shoes on the table, you've been walking in dog shit or whatever, right? It's going to affect your foot. You can put your shoes on the table You've been walking in dog shit or whatever right It's going to get

No you can put your shoes on the table It's new shoes on the table you can't put on it Never put a dildo on a coffee table They won't let it happen There were shoes on the dining table before Oh god they ruined Lie down baby That's what the headache is

You never put One tens on a table He's actually going To take them off the table Is that what he believes And yes Our case For his trio

Is still up To what Imagine lad Imagine lad If we all just fucked up Let's all hide Imagine he Imagine he moved the shoes

And his headache was gone It would actually reinforce And his dick got small It's It's It's really because It's 30 minutes after he took his codeine, but he thinks it's because it was the exact moment

he moved the shoes. Silly bollocks. I don't see the point in not believing you. You better now. Dan, is there any superstitions you actually adhere to? Is there any superstitions? Because all of them,

the three drains, the shoes on the table, I'm not going to do that for hygiene reasons. It suggests that there any superstition? Like, because all of them, the three drains, the shoes on the table, I get, I'm not going to do that for hygiene reasons. It suggests that there's an all-powerful being. Aye.

Umbrella indoors, you're probably going to knock some shit off. I believe in none of this witchcraft. There is no higher power. And if he's, that pernickety,

I don't want to know him or her. You know what, I just like his attention. Even if he is breaking my leg do any of you have any pre-gig rituals that you do

every time I bless I bless me bottle of water before I go on stage nice yeah I like that

then it burns your lips when you drink it he does it to all the other comedians as well he's drenched as well I used to not wear a specific t-shirt because I had a terrible gig in it

and I didn't think that the t-shirt gave me the terrible gig but I did realise that I thought of that terrible gig every time I pulled it on so I don't want to be thinking about the bad gig when I put the t-shirt on Yeah but you didn't put it on because you didn't want to risk it No I didn't want to insert the thoughts of the shit gig into my head

while I'm getting ready. So it's, again, like the three drains might actually hurt you because they're unsafe. It's just to like avoid doing that because it actually has got ramifications. Yeah, but did you grow out of that? Like, is that a new comedian thing?

No, no, that was when I was new. That was like, yeah, that was when I was doing open spots and shit. Yeah, because when I was new, I wanted to believe in all the... Sorry, I've turned everyone's mics down. Sorry, guys. When I was new, I wanted to believe all of that because it sort of made me feel like a proper comedian

because I was like, oh, yeah, that's what other comics do, so I want to be a comic. Do you use radio show in your hand? No, but getting paid cash before... Getting paid before the gig where I was like, oh yeah that's what other comics do so i want to be a comic like you never got no but like getting paid cash before getting paid before the gig where i was like oh no that's bad luck it's just yeah easily grow out of that when you're like oh no money's more important than that superstition i'll get if someone wants to pay us before the gig i feel like the need to say that i'll still try my best i'll still try and have a good gig like i'm not gonna throw the gig because i've already been paid it doesn't set itself in my head a little bit

if I get paid before. I talk to magpies. Before a gig? You talk what? It is a problem in a dressing room when he's got magpies. Do you know, I've got this weird thing where I never feel like I just see one magpie

because I'm also one. I tell you guys, two magpies, me and E. Two for joy. That is such a glass-half-full way of looking at life. I'm a foot of magpie myself, so good to see you. But I never look in a mirror, because there's only one. And that's bad luck. Look at that beautiful lake.

Oh, my reflection. You haven't said hello. He's a magpie. What? I thought you meant to say, hello, lad. How's your wife and kids? Which what?

How's your wife and kids? How's me wife and kids? I've just got a dog. Shit, magpie. I thought you'd say, I've just got a dog, lad. I've just got a dog. That's what you meant to say to magpies.

Good morning, Mr. Magpie. How's your wife and kids? That's what you meant to say to magpies. Good morning, Mr. Magpie. How's your wife and kids? Is that what you meant to say? Yeah. And that stops the curse. And then Mr. Magpie says, stage time in 10 minutes, Mr. Rel. This is weird.

Because the magpie works for Adam. Go on, I'll tell you. Do you want to do questions? Sorry, Kaiba. I was going to ask you, do you call yourself your dog's dad? Yeah. Do you?

I don't, but other people do. Adam does, Sarah does, my partner. I thought that was the weirdest shit that people called themselves. But it is his dad, isn't it? But I now know that Peggy thinks I'm her dad. I don't feel like I'm her dad

and I heard dad as a poodle. I'm not denying any misconceptions. Are you biologically your dog's dad? I'm not denying any misconceptions. I'm not like, oh, fuck, I have tenorhephia. Was her mum called Sheila? Sheila! She wanted it.

But that dog thinks I'm her dad. Yeah, you are. I'm like, oh, I see why they did it. You might not be her biological father, but I'm her dad. Yeah, you are. I'm like, oh, I see why they did it. You might not be her biological father, but you are her dad. Are you saying stepchildren don't exist? I imagine just getting mad at someone and I'm actually her stepdad. Yeah, it's very easy to be a dad. It's difficult to be a father.

Or Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy. What? It's the other way around. I don't play by the rules. I don't play by the rules. Apart from the rules of superstition. No, I just don't. And snooker.

If I walk over three grids, why risk it? Why not lay onto the magpies? Why not just... It takes nothing. The magpie feels better about itself and you get a bit of good luck. Yeah, because they get to chill. Don't play by the rule of physics. Why are you laughing at me?

What's funny about that? Fucking ridiculous. Magpies are lonely if they're on their own. Like no one said hello to them. So that's, maybe it's just that. Maybe magpies have got this like ability to hear people. Just because Scouse doesn't have a walk alone doesn't mean magpies.

Why are you waiting for ostriches? Ostrich. Ostrich. Ostrich. Ostrich. Ostrich, yeah. Tatman lad, you all right? How's your neck?

That's what I say. Sick of seeing him. Good morning, Mr. Ostrich What are you doing in my fucking kitchen? That's what you meant to say to them Even if they're not in your kitchen But particularly If they're in your kitchen

I like Mr Ostrich, what are you doing in my kitchen? You'll get sectioned in minutes There was some fella walking around With the ostriches in his kitchen If you just go round Chester Zoo going There was some fella walking around with the ostriches in his kitchen. He could just go around Chester Zoo going, hello, Mr. Giraffe, what are you doing in my conservatory? Out to get sectioned in ten minutes.

Do you reckon you could take an ostrich? Yeah. Yeah, you'd chop its neck, wouldn't you? Just you and a double and a dildo. You wait until the end of this and you see what I do to this fucking donkey cunt. You wait until the fucking state of this prick and tell me any ostrich

could handle these hands. I don't think you can compare an ostrich to that. Why? It's got quite a small head, I need an ostrich. Yeah. I bought it bobs and weaves.

I'd say it's got a small... Yeah. It's great defence, an ostrich. Well known for it. Yeah, but yeah all right it's great defense and ostrich well known for it yeah but you're just fucking you just faint don't you oh fuck off no i would web his head in me it's 2.8 meters yeah i'm gonna say right now fuck off two foot tackle two foot are just above the mean ostriches are not that big. I've seen them. They're not. 12 foot. That's a prehistoric ostrich. What are you doing in my kitchen?

You're going to laugh, mate. How big's your kitchen? Excuse me, Mr. Prehistoric Ostrich. Ostriches are not 12 feet. No, they're nine feet. Exactly. And their body's about six foot up. Sorry, I was talking about hypophetical ostriches.

They're not twice the size of a man look they're not fucking nine foot are they they're giant men do you reckon you could smash a swan's head in I wasn't even thinking about it

just like not even looking up from a text just booted in the chest side swipe the little cunt that's for the queen do you reckon you could knock a horse out that that's quite a joey thing isn't it you know when that happened I was in Australia

watching the news you don't need an alibi I went to the cash point I went to the cash point I went to the cash point I've got the fucking I can show you the receipt from the cash point I thought it wasn't me mate

I was in Australia I thought it'd come from me mate I was in Australia That is a long way Yeah I was on the moon I saw a football fan and, I was on the moon. I saw a football fan and I punched a horse on the news. Before I saw the rest of the story,

I knew it was one of ours. It does sound like you've picked the fairest place away. Where were you at the time the Oscars had punched in? I thought on Australia, mate. No, never heard of horses. What's a horse? What's a horse?

What's a horse? Wouldn't hurt to fly, mate. Not even a horse fly. Horse blood all over your hands. Broken wrist. Yeah, nothing. I'm not Australian I've just got back

I've just got back ten minutes ago I don't see me time what do you think this is red face from running away from the police from punching the horse I was in Australia

when that happened if I had to get a comedian to fight an animal Kai's well up there he's got yeah yeah yeah why are you you don't grow up in Blythe

without punching at least three animals. I don't think I ever have. It's on the city board. I can't tell you how excited I am to punch you. The city board. The city board. The town hall.

I love the city board. Visit Blythe and see the city board. What's it called? Twinned with Turkmenistan. The welcome sign, yeah. The city board. We've all gone insane. Can you give them one job now?

I'll punch them off, you know. You won't? Just get your range. Just get your range. Yeah, go on. Kai, be ready. Be ready for this to collapse. You've got more detail? Just get your range. Just get your range. Yeah, go on. Kai, be ready. Be ready for this to collapse. Just a jab.

You've got more data towards me than the tech. Just wake him up. You know what, I'll let you... Oh, now he knows. Now he knows. Oh, shit. He's absolutely fine. Aye, the ostrich's odds have just been cut.

No, I feel like everything else around him. Oh mate, that piñata's taking the piss out of you, mate. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! For the audio listener, this is now a disabled piñata. Oh! Oh, that didn't look good.

Oh, he's had your back! Oh, yeah, yeah. Took his head off. It's all Eddie's day. All right, all right. It did land one significant strike on you, though. It landed one. Yeah.

Hey, it rained. Mauam's Day, mate. Oh, happy birthday. I love that you're though. It landed one. Hey, it rained. Mauam's there, mate. Oh, happy birthday. I love that you're Mexican. I sometimes forget. I'm going to be tuning Mauam for the questions. Told you, mate. Now tell me you know a single ostrich that can handle this heat.

Adam, I've got a bit of a headache. I might just take it easy this section. What fucking... Squatted a donkey. I reckon after the sixth punch, the ostrich would have ran, but it wouldn't have been out. It would have turned and ran. Exactly. That's enough of a donkey. I reckon after the sixth punch, the ostrich would have ran, but it wouldn't have been out. It would have turned and ran. Exactly.

That's enough of a win. Like the ostrich is somewhere between the piñata and Elliot Steele. He fucking tricked me, that cunt. He's deceptively tall. He's deceptively tall.

Elliot Steele fought Adam in the charity boxing that was mentioned he didn't he won on points after telling me he wasn't training and the day before he dropped a fucking video

been training for six months with a world champion boxer I had a one pad session with Paul Smith you okay Adam you out of breath after a fight either you out of breath

after a fight in a pinata or you out of breath halfway through fight the piñata or you're out of breath halfway through a wow wow it's a deadly combo absolutely

knacker and sweetie do you want to give some advice yeah we give good advice here

Kai you're a worldly man seen some things owned some dog soft plays I learned some stuff

along the way. Oh, yeah. Punched a few fucking animals. I expect an apology off Steve. You're not going to break it.

I can't believe the piñata got one back on you. It's made of Teflon. You can't tell on the camera, bud. I only did that to lull him

into a false sense of security. You're like Rocky 3 where he's like it's all bad he's absorbing the punches powering up Johnny Howard says I'm a full time DJ based in South Spain

sexy I need a bit of advice what do you think about playing tunes by questionable pedo-ish musicians I played I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly to a mixed response at an event the other day. A few people booed, even though I thought it was piss funny. Do you think it's acceptable to play tunes

by Michael Jackson or Gary Glitter or any other convicted sex offenders? Do you think that's okay? Is this Ivan Brackenbury? Wait, can I give my first bit of advice? Is that, like, you played... He's trying to get people to dance. He's playing I Believe I Can Fly from fucking Space Jam.

Play a remix to Ignition if you want people moving. You probably wouldn't have got booed. You probably got booed because of the tempo of the song. It was the Ron Garkelly song. Boo, if we're going to listen to a pedo, make us fucking move, mate. Like, if you're going to listen to a pedo, make us fucking move, mate. Like, if you're going to put Gary Glitter on, don't go for it, man.

Southern Spain. Boo. Fuck it all, you've ruined this mulligan dance floor. Just don't play pedos in your DJ set. Nah. R Kelly, come on. I'll still watch, like, fucking Kevin Spacey stuff. Like, I can watch Baby Driver and Seven. Yeah, and I'll still watch, like, fucking Kevin Spacey stuff. Like, I can watch Baby Driver at seven.

Yeah, and I'll still listen to Michael Jackson, and I'll still listen to Remix to Ignition in the privacy of my own home. Yeah, I suppose. I suppose I am. You can't be putting a screening of the usual suspects on in your local IMAX. You enjoy paedophiles?

Tonight, tonight, it goes off. Say it goes off. We all go down Bella Italia, we get on the old booners, and we're like, fuck it, and get down the rubber sole, where we always are.

Our usual hold. See you there. And then we end up in a little place called Pop World, right? Your birthday boon is in, the special's flying. I know what you're gonna ask.

They put on R. Kelly. What's the- Is there a remix? No, usually I don't do this, bro. No, no. Go ahead and do a remix. Go ahead and do a remix. What's the absolute banger by R. Kelly?

Remix Nation? Yeah. World's Greatest. Just give me that whoop whoop. Oh, World's Greatest. There's another one. There's another R. Kelly absolute banger, isn't there? Hotel.

Nah. Girlier one. That's not R. Kelly absolute banger, isn't there? Hotel. Nah. Girl, you're one. That's not R. Kelly, is it? He's a fetus. Let's have a look. You're saying you wouldn't. No, I'm not. I would be like, I can separate the art from the artist.

Oh, yeah, bump and grind. Bump and grind. I knew it. Bump and grind. Yeah, I can separate the art from the artist. But as a DJ, you've got to play it safe. You can't be playing paedophiles. Like, I'll be fine with it, but my nan might not.

She's coming out. Turn this nonce off. Do you know as well, Kelly's the only rapper that actually mentions food. You know how they always talk about how they party at six in the morning and all that. Yeah. Remix to Ignition is like food everywhere, just like the party was Kate at. That's a good line. He's the only one banging on about food at the party. Loves a snack. Because party was Kate at. That's a good line. He's the only one

banging on about food at the party. Loves a snack. Because you're Kate at a children's party. We're not just getting Rolexes and spinning rims.

We got sausage rolls. We got party rings. We've got some Jemmy Dodgers. We've got some egg mayonnaise sandwiches. My girlfriend loves them Jemmy Dodgers.

We've got some chicken and mayo sandwiches. Food everywhere. Can I get moved for it? Who's a lot of Kelly? Listen, DJ Johnny Howard. We, listen, don't play any Gary Glitter

because it's all rank. What's it called? But only bangers. Do-do-loo. The Joker one? Do-do-loo. Oh, do-do-loo. Do-do-loo.

Hey! No, don't do that. It was very controversial when the Joker had that on yeah can we make a judgement Kai we'll leave it with you

what should you do DJ Johnny Howard remix to Ignition nothing more than that from any artist that's diddled kids just remix to Ignition only Michael Jackson Michael Jackson's grey area nothing more than that from any artist that's diddled kids just remix recognition only

Michael Jackson Michael Jackson's grey area what? he fucks dogs you've heard the day first Paul says this one seems Michael Jackson was very clearly innocent

by the way but carry on next question there you go this one seems use that clip actually next question There you go. This one seems... Use that clip. Actually, next question.

I'm not going into it, but we all know he did nothing wrong. He shagged no kids. No. None. He just had them over to his house for the sleepover, let them ride his ferris wheel

and play with his monkey. And sleep with his... And they give him Jesus juice. Yeah. Just having a good time with children. That was just the prime of its day, though, wasn't it? Do you know what I mean? R. Kelly had gin and juice.

Wilco Jackson had gin and juice. Yeah, what the fuck's prime, by the way? I've just had this little... Amazon streaming service. It's a very funny joke. I like your joke, Adam, but it didn't expand didn't it didn't expand my knowledge

I've had this blind spot to the fact that people are spending tens of pounds for a drink tens of men some kids are going

parents are going into supermarkets at 7am before school so their kid can have a bottle for school and what is it? it's just an energy drink it's just like

a dragon soup or something but it's made by KSI and Logan Paul. They were two huge influencers. Oh, so it's the fucking prop at 12 for young'uns. Yeah. Some kid got one for Christmas and nearly cried his eyes out

because he basically got a Lucas A for Christmas and cried. If I got a Lucas A for Christmas, I would be homeless. Oh, it's late stage capitalism. It's awful. It's awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. It's YouTubers trying to make money. But not like our drink that's coming out. Of people that can't afford fucking heating.

Of people that can't afford to heat the house. And they're taking the most money that they can because the young'uns have been advertised to. That's another thing you shouldn't be. I hope they're not charging loads. It's like two quid a bottle. It's the people like the wakey wines guy where's Charges

he's a fucking gobshiker gets them off the hook a little bit if you listen to wakey wine fuck off but still whoever's doing the advertising to children

they're the issue I hope we look back at this era and go you used to advertise to kids or you're just fucking mental for what though

like toys make sense even that even the fact that like you're trying to watch TV and all of a sudden your kid wants your earning parents to spend money on you. Like, let them discover the world,

but they won't just come into the house and say, you need this, beg your parents for it. I know, but was that not how you grew up? We got given an Argos catalogue. It was mental. I still do. For Christmas, write down what you want for Christmas.

It's like fucking brainwashing where capitalism early does so that we need things that we don't actually need. Yeah, you say brainwashing, but you don't remember any of it, do you? I'm wearing Jordans.

I haven't changed. It's a magical place. And now you're not a consumer in any way. And now I'm fucked by it. Toys in a million all under one roof. It's called Toys R Us.

Millions of Jeffreys all under one roof. There's millions of Jeffreys all under one roof. It's called Toys R Us. Toys R Us. Do you know that is actually the Ukrainian national anthem? Toys R Us?

Yeah. It's called Millions of Jeffreys. Because Geoffrey's the most popular first man's name in Ukraine. You ever seen the, what was it, Klitschko's? Geoffrey Klitschko. Geoffrey Shevshanko? This one's gone mental. I don't know what's happening.

Let's do some other words. I don't know what's happening, but I like it. That's the name of this podcast. Let's do some other words. Michael says, wag wag lids. Please keep me anonymous,

but also... Adam said he was going to be quiet at the start of it. Do you know what happened? As we went into the last break I had a headache and I took two codeine And two ibuprofen and they hadn't kicked in When we started recording again

So I said to you all, I've got a headache And I might be a bit quiet in the last bit But the codeine's kicked in and I'm ready for the Guinness now You can tell You sure it's not because you took the shoes off the table? Oh my god, he's going. Can I recommend something to you? He wants it to be anonymous.

On our podcast, every time that we want to make someone anonymous, right, we just edit Elliot Steele's name over the top of it. So every bad thing that anyone's ever done is Elliot Steele

and I can't recommend it enough. I'd like it to spread. All right, cool. Could you edit Elliot Steele in? I'll give you the clean. Elliot Steele says, wag wag lids, please keep this anonymous. My name is Elliot Steele.

It's even funnier if you just keep pretending it's Elliot Steele. Also, please have a word with my brother who started dating my ex-bird a month after we split up. He's in his late 30s and she is my age, 22, which is weird, but as we both stay with our mum, I'm 30s and she is my age, 22, which is weird. But as we both stay with our mum,

I'm basically forced to live with my ex and my brother. Please have a word and tell him he's a wrongan for it and grow up and move out of his mars. Right, so.

I think your brother sounds really cool. Your brother's the guy that like, remember when you were in school, right? It was like the hot girl that everyone fancied

and then at the end of school somebody would be waiting outside for her in a car and she'd be like oh I wish I was as cool as him and then you grow up and go

he wasn't Peter he was 23 and we were in year 11 oh yeah is that guy the brother's that guy he sounds like a not nice man.

I mean, I remember Danny Mac saying this ages ago, but when it comes to, like, when your mates split up with someone, that's just them done, isn't it? That's them, that person. Like, there is millions of Jeffreys all under the roof. I'd just bonk someone else. Don't bonk your mate's ex it probably makes it better

doesn't it it's like naughty forbidden fruit isn't it tasty I had a mate ring us once just kind of like I went with my ex

we're both a bit drunk would it be the end of the world if I did out I was like nah I'll go for it and then like now it ended up happening

but I kind of appreciated the call it felt like nice to have a courtesy call yeah but did you give a fuck about her really? Nah. No. Nah.

I suppose, you know. Nah, but I was like, in my head, I'm like, oh, but different, like, bring her into my life. I don't want to be barbecues and cheese with you. I think it depends why you've broke up. Right. Like, I've got exes from the past or people I was with for a bit

that if one of my mates was like, oh, I'm seeing her now, I'd be sound. But if like one, if it was a bad breakup, then I wouldn't like that. I'm going to let you know for a bit, that if one of my mates was like, oh, I'm seeing her now, I'd be sound. But if there was a bad breakup, then I wouldn't like that. I'm going to let you know as a friend, if I'm ever single, I'll probably stay clear of a few of them. Can I fuck Laura, though?

Have you put up with her? You've got a number. Yeah, I'll probably not date her. No, I... I feel another Christmas fucking single coming on and I'm like, oh, that's back. Tell your brother to just go,

or just fuck with him. Just say yes, he loves it when you do this. I'm going to ask. I just say, start putting pictures of our back up. Yeah, it's bang out of order by the brother, isn't it? I know what your bed's pussy tastes like, so shut up. Oh, Christmas

dinner ruined. Just get an expectation. Have you moved my shoes? I left them here right by the door. I've got to go out now. Yeah, I've just put them away for you. I don't want your bed's pussy. Shut up. Speculatively,

I wonder if there's any spunk still in there. Like, you know, if you have a clonic, there's still steak that you had years ago and there's still bits of steak in your intestines that are your cola and that come out on a clonic. How big is this girl's nipple? So there's probably cells. I bet you there's not no spunk in there still from me.

Exactly. You know, when you're licking her out. She's still got that little fucking mole next to her bum at all. What does my two-month-old cum taste like, bro? Have you made my shoes? Oh, no. They're there.

I put them there. Sorry about that. Oh, shit, I'm wearing them. My bad. Not unnecessarily aggressive. I've shag. My bad. Unnecessarily aggressive. Oh God. That's so silly. Oh my God.

One more. Fantastic. One more, we're done. Are we done? I think we're done. I don't. One more. Fantastic. One more, are we done? Are we done? I think we're done. I don't think you're following that. Kai Humphries. If you've got a dog in East Kilbride and you want it bred, I think it's something like that. Take him on.

Sexy Tuesdays. Come and have a play. The dog and bone. The dog and bone. And even if you're not nice kill bride follow her on insta get her on the socials travel up

travel up people have people have and you're going on tour go and watch Kai he's fucking amazing I'm going to be in May

I'm going to be in Liverpool in Manchester in London in Leicester and in March as soon as March I'm going to be in Glasgow and if you've got listeners

in Australia shit I'm going to be in Australia I haven if you've got listeners in Australia, shit. I'm going to be in Australia. I haven't announced all that yet, but I'll be announced. And if any horses get there, punch them while he's there.

Nothing to do with it. He was in England. Right. Go and watch Adam's special on our YouTube page. You cannot miss it. Yes, please do. Dan's special is out in two weeks on the 25th of January.

Mine's out for now. Imperius, please go and watch it. Really appreciate it. Share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, all that good stuff. Thank you very much. On the count of three, let's end the episode.

We've got some music. Also, votehaveaway.com so last we could vote On the count of three, let's end the episode. We've got some music. Also, votehaveaway.com, so last we could vote, and please vote. Okay, we'll do the party problems, and then Finn can tell us about the fucking song. Irish hip-hop. You lead, go. Three, two, one. Hey!

Go on, Finn. So this comes in from Daniel, who's a Patreon. It's his band, Trenants. Trenants. It's called Tell Me Again. Tell Me Again. Hey! See you, Kai.

Love you. Sometimes Tell me again, how you arranged your sins My oldest friends are wrecking phantom lands A wrecking phantom land I cannot tell How you would ever know I try to sing Your lips not keeping my throat Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes

Still trying out to let my world reach you The sun's taken down ever since I last saw you Mae'r ffordd y byddaf yn ei ddweud yn dda. Sometimes Thank you. you