Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #211 with Rebecca Goodwin - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comVote for us at the National Comedy Awards: https://votehaveaword.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/haveaword_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20Calm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodBetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastRebecca Goodwinhttps://twitter.com/beckymil1https://instagram.com/beckymil1_ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids? Big news. The first ever Have A Word Live tour is on sale right now at haveawordlive.com. We're going to Birmingham, Newcastle, Glasgow and Dublin. And we've also still got a few tickets left for our live show in London. Now the London live show is a stand-up show. Me and Dan are going to host one half each and bring on four special stand-up guests. The other four shows are live podcast shows. We're doing a live version of the podcast with some very special guests with us in each city. Different guests in each city.

Go to haveawaredlive.com right now and get your tickets. They've been on general sale since Friday, so there might only be a few left for a few of them, but go and get them now and come and be part of the first ever Have A Word Live tour. Also, this is the final day, this Monday, the day you're watching this.

If you're watching this on release day, today is the final day to vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. It's going to be broadcast live on Channel 4 and we are in the running for best podcast. There's three other massive podcasts in the running for this and we really want to win it. We need you to go to VoteHaveAWare.com

right now and vote for us. If we win, Dan has promised to perform at the live tour in a full leather outfit bought entirely from the leather shop

in Liverpool. I've promised I'll do a full podcast in a full Everton kit and Karl will do the same episode in a full Liverpool kit. Go and embarrass us

and get us to win this award. VoteHaveAWord.com. And on top of that, of course, this is a public episode. If you want early access to these, as well as access to our entire back catalogue of Patreon specials and an extra Patreon episode every single week, you need to go to Patreon.com slash HaveAWordPod. If you go there right now, you can sign up.

It starts at just £3 a month. You can go £5 or £10 as well. And the if you go there right now you can sign up it starts at just three quid a month you can go five or ten as well and the more you pay the more you get but every single person gets access to the entire back catalogue every single person gets an extra episode every week and we've just released our latest special the amsterdam special maybe the most popular one we've ever done go and see why our Patreon is considered the best on the planet, the best value Patreon in the game. We're the biggest in the UK for a reason. We know what we're fucking doing, mate.

Go to patreon.com slash have a word pod. We'll see you over there. Vote for us. We'll see you on the tour. Have a good day. Enjoy this episode. It's going to be a belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with adam dan sensei cal and finn this is the one and only have a word brought to you by

manscape.com the very best in below the belt men's grooming go ed get on me what going on? I've booked an MRI. Yeah? To make sure I'm not dying, and I've just got anxiety. Kept it local. Yeah. Went to Bootle Hospital.

The University of Bootle Medical Centre. My God. I'm going to London for it. Talk to Rob. We'll see you now. And I can pick you up. So I've just had the confirmation come through just before we started recording. It says wag wag.

It's been sent to me by Lisette Vricote. Ooh, okay. And the first sentence is, Dear Adam, thank you for your interest in Prescan and your lovely conversation with Margaret. Have you had a lovely conversation with Margaret? I've had a conversation with Margaret. Who's Margaret?

She's the woman who's booked in me fucking scan. Is she doing it? Margaret sounds like a scan. Does she know how to do it? Margaret sounds like a woman that doesn't know how to use the internet. Margaret! Margaret! We've got another fucking health anxiety shine. Yes. Another softie.

Come on. Yeah. All right, okay. Three hour scan. Was it? I'm going to look at me head. Yeah. Me back.

And me cock. And me crack. Get a wax while you're there. Am I in your cock? Me pelvis. I'm all shook up're there. MRI on your cock. Me pelvis. I'm all shook up. You're getting a dick scan. That's what you're going to say when he goes in.

Can I get the pelvis scan? I just want to make sure I've eaten sound, do you know what I mean? And for how long? Well, if they get an MRI and they go no tumours, then it's at least a year before you get a tumour. I give you two months. I can do that now. You haven't got any tumours in your dick. That was my winter MRI. It's spring now.

Me cock is warmer. The sun's out, lads. I could have knob cancer. Could have knob cancer? Yeah. Are you ill? Are you feeling ill? I don't feel right. He doesn't feel well. I haven't for ages. Right.

I mean, that chat with Margaret helped, but only temporarily. It was lovely. But it's getting worse. Would you ever go to like a hypnotherapist when you know you're okay? Waffle like a snack, do? Make me make chicken noise as well.

Eat an onion. I don't want to think I've got cancer. All right, Adam. You're bringing down the mood of the stag, dude. You're very anxious and, you know, feeling ill. Have you thought about just some light entertainment? With Steve just going... Am I talking like fucking Tony Robbins,

whatever his name is? Tony Robbins. What's his name? He's a motivational speaker. He's not an antithetamines. It's the same shit it is yeah yeah yeah

so you think you might have achievement have you thought about going to see a magician they're good not so sad anymore where are these handkerchiefs coming from

what dick cancer what I mean is when you know you're okay you know you're not sick would you not go to somebody who would try and help you through the anxiety help you get rid of it

erm yeah so I've I've booked in I've contacted a therapist as well so I'm going to therapy erm gonna sort me out

I don't want my this could be bad for the podcast but good for your head I just think I'm gonna have a new perspective. This could be bad for the podcast, but good for your head. I just think I'm going to have a new perspective on life. Oh, God. Here we go. Another chapter of the autobiography.

Die in a moment, please. Oh, shit, I see it now. I want to be a magician. I might start taking anti-anxiety medication. If I need to. If that's what it is. Before we go down the medication route, talk to someone about your head.

Yeah. I think you do. I think there's a lot to unpack. Do you know the only thing I'm worried about with going to therapy is I don't think I'm going to respect me therapist enough. Oh no, you need a good one. Do you know what I mean?

Respect them in what way? Like when they're just like, I think that's this. If I don't agree with them, I'm just going to be like, well, it's my head. How do you know what I mean respect them in what way like when they're just like I think that's this if I don't agree with them I'm just going to be like well who the fuck it's my head how do you know

I'd be better than in fact I'll be the fucking therapist what's your fucking problem amazing scouse therapy scouse therapy so what are the issues

are you calling me gay fuck off where do you live fucking wall are you scared that you'll find Fuck off Where do you live? Fucking wall Are you scared that you'll find something That'll like unleash some kind of horrors? No Because that's good

Because then the anxiety will go Why do you think he's got like repressed memories? Not to bring it up But you never dealt with your past near your mum properly No, didn't So that's definitely in there Yeah You know there was stuff that happened

when I was a kid with my uncle that I can't really remember. Ooh, what? What? Badminton, wasn't it? Yeah. He beat me in tennis and I thought I was good.

Yeah. And you were playing badminton. That was part of the problem. Got the wrong racket here, John. Yeah. That's how you learn, you little shit. Now take your pants off.

Abuse. I've been offered anti-anxiety medication before. And I've always turned it down because I was like, initially, like years ago, I thought I had heart problems. And they were like, there's no problem with your heart, but we can give you heart medication if you want. Beta blockers have, so they're a heart medication that the side effect of them is that they help anxiety.

So they're like, you can have these to treat your heart. Two for one. Which hasn't got a problem with it, but it'll, as a side effect, probably help your anxiety.

And I was like, nah, I don't really want to take heart medication. I remember when I was a kid, I was pretending to be not well to get off school and I took paracetamol and I just said, oh, I'm not well. And I went to my mum thinking I was well to get off school and I took paracetamol

and I just said oh I'm not well and I went to my mum thinking I was cool you know what if you take paracetamol but you're not not well is anything going to happen

and she went no why I was like not insurance are you faking I was like no just asking such a kid question

you know if I was absolutely silent I just wanted to play for your show would these kill me that's what he asked and she obviously knew I was like fuck I'm going to live with you? Would these kill me? That's what he asked. And she obviously knew, I was like, fuck, I live with that.

What is it about me that makes it, because I've taken some pills in my time, but thinks you're, with the medication route, is, I honestly think therapy might be a way to go there, but you need a recommendation to get someone,

if you speak to someone who you really respect, who's spoken to someone I think that's a good start is that a difficult thing but like isn't that the way get a really good recommendation

go down that road well I found a woman called Sarah so right Dr Sarah from where Intact oh

did you just google it yeah I don't think it's a bad start it's Dr Sarah like Mr John it's Dr Sarah Sutton she. John it's Dr. Sarah something she works in town so I can walk

to her ah scouse therapy yeah yeah yeah sass imagine dating a therapist man I'd fucking get him that wouldn't I

so if he didn't do something I'd be like I know why he didn't do that but you don't know just just in your mind yeah yeah

fuck that how do you really argue with someone like that Maybe they don't argue They don't A lot of therapists are in therapy Because they can't do their own So how can they fucking If you can't sort your own shit out

Make your own bed first Well if you could argue I do fear I fear that that'll be what I'm like. You have to just open your mind to it, don't you? Yeah, I know. And I'll go in, I'm going to try going with an open mind,

but as soon as she starts fucking waffling all her therapist bollocks, I'm just going to be like, I'm going to turn off. I feel like your mind's already closed. You waffle. They're not meant to be waffling. You're not meant to go in and go,

I'm all over the shop. She's like, never mind you. What about me? I'm playing fucking town rates. Fucking nightmare. Why have I got a fucking therapy center? L1. It's a nightmare.

You're meant to do the waffling. Yeah, I know. But when she's like, you know, tell us more about that. And I feel like I'm getting nothing out of it. She's just like, oh, you just need to talk about it. I don't. I want answers love yeah I get that

oh you want more sort of solutions based therapy you talk about it anyway you know what it is yeah so I did 10 sessions with my therapist and by the end

I was like yeah you're alright you're alright it's sound there is a point where you're like he initially I'd never done it before

and it was good I was like he's not really he's not really doing much and i found like five or six sessions in i i'd got to the end of some sessions and gone do you know what actually now i've thought about it it feels like you work stuff out and then you go mate i did all the hard work and then you come away going actually is that not his job yeah or their job to guide you to the point where you start going no actually

now you've said it and I can't remember him guiding me there but I felt by the end of those sessions I was like no actually I know what I need to do here

I want to do this and I think this will improve that towards the end I did get a bit like I can't see what you can offer me I'd be applying for a refund Naomi

I'd be like I did it you fucking charlatan yeah applying for a refund and this is my formal application for a refund and this is my formal application for a refund a lot of Americans

I printed this out unlikely a lot of Americans just have therapists as a day to day thing it's a very LA thing New York thing isn't it and they influence

our media you know I think in fucking rural Wyoming I'm not sure everyone's got a therapist I seen Shane Gillis talk about going to therapy

he's like I aced it because the therapist just wanted about going to therapy. He's like, I hate it because the therapist just wants me to hate me dad. He's like, no, I like him. He's sad. He's like, did he ever, he's like, yeah, but he should write too. I'd like to go to therapy and see if it helps. I don't think I need much. I mean, maybe I do, but it'd be nice to go and go, oh, that did help.

I think it probably benefits everyone. That's what I mean, yeah. But I think I definitely more. I mean, maybe I do, but it'd be nice to go and go, oh, that did it. I think it probably benefits everyone. That's what I mean, yeah. But I think I definitely need to go. For the health anxiety thing, yeah. For all sorts. But yeah, this scan's a good start. I wonder if you levelled out like really emotionally articulate, really

grounded. I'm quite emotionally articulate anyway. Yeah, but you have ups and downs and they're very funny. Here you go, shut up then i love you shut up um i don't know if that'd be good i think some of the fucking phrase around the edges with you is what makes you a great podcaster a great comedian do you want to fix everything i want to fix everything you're like wayne rooney you take that edge away he was never the same player ever again. You are like Wayne Rooney. Do you know what I mean?

The Wayne Rooney of podcasting. Yeah, when he was aggressive, he was heavy, and then when Alex Ferguson shaved him edges down, he lost it. You don't want to lose it. I do. I don't want to feel mental.

Yeah, fair enough. There's a balance in that, doesn't it? Don't get too happy, what we're saying. You've got some good stand-up left in you. Imagine if I came in all the time and was just joyful. It'd change the dynamics, but it'd probably be better for the podcast. No, it wouldn't!

It wouldn't? It would! It would freak me the fuck out! Hello, how are you? Everyone all right? Great. Everyone would be listening. Oi, they have a word lids on, like,

you know what, I love it when they're all dead kind to each other that's my favorite bit bullshit oh finn's there by the way we've replaced him with a black dildo so

brown brown isn't it it's a large brown dildo okay sorry we've replaced him with a black person's cock but it's a

brown dildo okay yeah well it's owned by us semantics and important we've replaced him with a black person's cock bill though okay it's owned by us semantics and important there you go we replaced it with

a black person's card vote have a word don't cut clip it yeah Finn's gone

yeah start with a scan apparently fuck Finn shut up Finn oh Finn's on holiday fuck him where is Finn

he's gone potting again Don't talk about that cunt He's gone potting again hasn't he He's probably in therapy Is he in potland again He's gone potty Potty pot pot Fuck him then He's gone potty potty pot pot

He's gone up for a poo What is he Is he weird He is young enough That he'd be like Well done Good boy I'm not changing him again

I'll tell you that Erm Apparently when you go into the MRI They put a film on so you go in the big donut hole don't you no they don't

no you get to pick the film no no no no no you haven't got like fucking airpods in come off it you go in the big

donut and you're like and then there's a mirror on the ceiling of it and it points at a telly and you're like... And then there's a mirror on the ceiling of it. And it points at a telly. And it points at a telly on the outside of it and you get to pick the film.

How long are you in for? Three hours. Three hours in a fucking donut hole? Yeah. You have to pick two films. Holy shit. Or Troy.

Might just get them to put Friends on and just leave it rolling. Oh, yeah. At some point I'm like, mate, can you click still watching you're not allowed to talk

you're alright because the scan comes back and you've got to stay pinned not pinned straight you've got to stay as still as possible have you?

you're not allowed to move cool well I couldn't do that I haven't got claustrophobia but I feel like it in front of me a little bit

I think I'll just have a lovely little nap are you allowed to fall asleep? no are you not? why not? because your brain starts changing I think I'll just have a lovely little nap. Are you allowed to fall asleep? No. Why not? Because your brain starts changing. You need to be awake and your neurons need to be fine.

Watching Troy. You know how MRI results are like? You're bored. When he takes his top off, he's a fucking fit man. Bradley. Bradley Pair. I don't know, you go in a gown don't you was he Hercules or Achilles Achilles

he was Achilles he was Tarzan he was Tarzan look at you laughing was he Hercules that's not the story of Troy Dan know your classics

I love Brad Pitt what was Troy was it Troy was the Trojan horse wasn't it yeah they were like I'll tell you what by the way people who fell the Trojan horse, wasn't it? Yeah. They were like... I'll tell you what.

By the way, people who fell for Trojan horses... Like, I'm sorry, but have they ever got anywhere close to winning any sort of war? Oh, we'll just get you the gift, mate. We ate his... It's a big horse. Well, they lost the war, didn't they? They lost the war.

They ate it. They were like, oh, the horse, yeah. No, it just turned up in the night, didn't it? Yeah. Someone... Where did it... The Trojans made the horse. The Aegeans. The Aegeans are the ones that... yeah no it just turned up in the night didn't it yeah someone what who where did it the Trojans made the horse

the Aegeans the Aegeans are the ones that am I getting that maybe I'm getting that totally wrong alright someone must have been like

hang on they invented denim as well by the way I know I know you like think it's from the gods but I think I don't know

yeah they were soft cunts hey someone's give us a big horse I'm six this. Someone was going to be like, hang on, hang on now, hang on. Did you not hear all that hammering and banging like last week?

No, shut up. It was the fucking... Aegeans? I'm heavy, me, you know. Fucking Carl knows classics. Hercules, Dan. It's mythology, though. It's not real.

What? It's not real, is it? Mythology. I thought it was classics. The Trojan horse is a real thing. I thought it was mythology though it's not real what? it's not real is it it's mythology I thought it was the Trojan horse is a real thing I thought I don't think he gave them a horse

they were like they left it like on the doorstep you know like when someone doesn't want a baby and they leave it like isn't mythology like Zeus and fucking

Ares and all that Helen of Troy is not real though was she? oh I thought she was oh sorry maybe she is but I thought it was mythology I think it's so far ago.

Horse mythology? Is that a Norse? Carry on. Tell us the story of the Trojan horse. What happened? Adam's Trojan horse. The synopsis. So I think they just woke up and someone was like, go and get the milk off the step. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they had a milkman.

Not within the city. No. Because what are you going to do have cows in a city no that's stupid so like go and get the milk off the steps here if he's left any orange juice

right and they go and they go and they went fucking hell John there's an horse here lad sick you know King John or

big wooden horse alright and he was like bring it in let's have a play with it lad it's dead heavy you can hear them inside giggling

you fucking knobhead all the Trojans Bring it in. Let's have a play with it, lad. It's dead heavy. You can hear them inside giggling. You fucking knobhead. All the Trojans. That's the wheeling in. Yay! And he brought it in. They were like, go on, fucking open his arse there. That looks like a door.

I bet there's fucking loads of fucking coke and beer in there. Hang on. Hang on. Did you think the... They brought it in and they didn't... Hang on. I think I heard someone laughing. Maybe it's full of whores for us as well. Horse, whores. That makes sense. Maybe it's full of whores for us as well. Horse, whores.

Like, that makes sense. Maybe someone sends us, like, loads of prostitutes. And they'll be dirty because they're in a horse. Yeah, we can have sex and drink and... Open that there, put your swords down. What's the ear for? Because they're listening to the side of the horse. And then they opened it

and they all jumped out with machine guns. Shot them all. That's exactly how it happened. And that's not mythology. They were all laughing as well. Yeah, that wasn't the gun. Do you think they opened it up straight away?

They were like, bring it in, but open it up. Open it's big, because there's a fucking hatch. I can see it. Open it up. What?

How thick was it that they were like, bring it in? It's from the gods. It's from the gods. Gods give us a big wooden horse. They went to bed and then the horse slicked out.

Yeah, leave that in the square because it's fucking beautiful, isn't it? Night, everyone. Got your orange juice, John. That's for the morning. Good night. And then they were like, fucking knobheads.

They climbed out of the arse. They were like, fuck off, that's my orange juice. What have you been saying about Helen? What have you been saying about Helen? What have you been saying about Helen? She's so fucking, fuck off, mate. Never talk about Helen.

She was heavy, though. Was that the way the war started? Because someone went, she's minging. Because, someone unfollowed her on Instagram. What's his name? Prince,

Orlando Bloom plays him. Prince, go on. Prince Ali, I think. Prince Ali, Ali Ali I think Prince Ali so the the king of the Aegeans was married

was married to Helen of Troy and then they came to visit and the Achilles brother or friend stole her and took her back to where they were

and he was like how you doing lad heavy started the war he fucking he snatched his bird yeah he did snatch it

it was the original not a screen crocky crew take all our birds you yeah. He did snatch you? It was the original Not A Screen Crocky crew, wasn't it? We take all our birds. You've never seen that, have you? How would you do it in Crocky? Menelaus.

Menelaus. Massive electric scooter. Paris his name was. Orlando Bloom plays Paris. Paris, yeah. Menelaus was the king and he was like, I'm shagging your bird, lad.

Can I order? Order, order. We've never talked about Greek classics for obvious reasons. How do you know so much about it? It's cool. I'm shagging your beard lad can I order order order we've never talked about Greek classics for obvious reasons how do you know so much about this I'm very impressed I'm really interested in the story of Troy

we just picked the right one ask him about anyone else tell us Hercules I've got a fucking clue he's got like a sash on him he's got a bad ankle on him fucking underrated Disney film Hercules he's hercules bad uncle no hey such a good joke

i really enjoyed that they call it his hair can he's uncle no i really enjoyed troy cool it's a cool story, innit? Yeah. I just like it. I like it. I don't like... It's got nothing on bad boys, too. When he's fucking blathered,

then he's got his big eyes in the fish tank. Yeah. Unbelievable. This is a nice fucking fish. Oh, my God. Big fucking eyes. What a nice fucking fish. Hey, Reggie!

Where the fuck, Reg? Where the fuck, Reg? How are we going to fuck up the captain's life today look over there let's kill three fair people and leave them on the street i love it when martin lawrence does pills accidentally it's a very good film i don't like ancient history though i like more modern history yeah like suffragettes onwards or suffragists onwards should we say they were the first weren't they all alright were they is that where your history starts god you're such a feminist

for me yeah 19 what 100 the end of the 18th the ends of the 18th 19th century yeah yeah what did they

I don't believe it happened they were just like we should have a vote here I'll tell you what I'm going to do I'm going to go and headbutt that horse well all the old history is bollocks innit it's all word of mouth

and that changes exactly through like you know, non-specific country whispers. What? Can't say Chinese whispers anymore. Okay, good. Don't say this.

You know them. I don't believe it happened. I don't believe them. We're taking them at their word. Exactly. Who? What? The films of it. What?

Like the Tudors and that. Yeah. The Tudors? You don't know. Do you think it's word of mouth? It is word of mouth there's no videos no it's written down exactly

I can write something down Dan's got seven heads and then they're not under G's oh okay there's a podcast that went on seven heads right

do you know what I mean I don't believe it enough to be able to sell myself to you think the Tudor England is a conspiracy oh the bollocks yeah yeah

they were all lizards mate some of them were Catholic lizards, mate. Some of them were Catholic lizards, some of them were fucking C of E lizards. Henry VIII, I reckon he probably, you know, just like told his wife, just released him into the woods. He wasn't chopping heads off. But the story's better.

Famous thing they did. It's a better story, innit? Say he chopped heads off and that, we'll write it down and people will believe it. Yeah, they probably just took her, just went, you're free now, Catherine. Run back to Aragon didn't she die Catherine

she was the problem she was divorced oh she divorced she caused the loss Catherine of Aragon was his brother's what are we doing here today I love it

she was a fucking moon pig why did he she was an absolute Spanish moon pig why did he and they were like listen your brother's died

listen she's like fucking a princess of Spain. Marry her, Henry. He was like, really? I want to fuck everything. He's like, nah, it'll be sound. She was like 10, 15 years older than him.

He did not have fun with that one. He had a guns on that week. So did he divorce her? Eventually. But why did he behead the other ones? What did they do that was like worse than the divorce ones? Anne Boleyn uh adultery what yeah she was fucking smoking behind his back she was also meant to have um like a little

a little extra finger amblin that's and they accused go up your arse when she's wanging you off when thomas we both had the exact same thing when thomas cromwell was after her they sort of used that against her but she was yeah she caused the divorce he wanted to fuck amberlynn and he was like mate i'm married to a big cath and she was like i couldn't give a fuck then you're not getting all of this puth you're getting this extra i bet amberlynn was fit for for the time like you know so she was shagging so he was like cut her head off she was the first she was the big one she caused the divorce and then she started smoking pipe. Off a loop player. She loved musicians.

He was the Alex Turner of his day. She was like, you're getting it. And loads of like... She was the first beatboxer. You're getting it, let's battle. He was the first. He was at court and he was like, yeah, what about this? She was like, he's getting smoked.

Who was Mexico that I can say? No, who died? He was like, he's getting smoked. Who was next? No, who died? Who was the first one who died? Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, Anne Boleyn. And now, listen, there's Jane Seymour, Catherine Parr, Howard. Oh, I don't know which order they are.

Who was Howard? Howard. Howard from the Halifax. Howard from the Halifax was the next one to get divorced. He was Bob and Howard. Because he was like, oh my God, you're like a black guy from the Halifax. Howard from the Halifax was the next one to get divorced. It was Bob and Howard. Because he was like, oh my God, you're like a black guy

from the 20th century. The future. He was like, yeah, but- He had his suit on and his purple tie. Have you seen our mortgage rates? Our fucking interest rates are- The one who died,

was it suspicious circumstances? Was it like, you know, she's found at the bottom of the stairs? Oh, she's died there. I think she died in childbirth. Jane Seymour's my guess. Go on. Henry V she's died there. I think she died in childbirth. Jane Seymour's my guess. Go on.

Henry VIII's wives are... Stupid God. Didn't see that fucking bus coming. Died. Dearie me. Fucking a lot of songs. Go on So first was Catherine of Aragon

Yeah She was the daughter Of King Ferdinand Rio Yeah King Rio Next was Anne Boleyn Yeah

Beheaded Yeah Then it was Jane Seymour Jane Seymour No I'm three for three here Anne of Cleves Divorce

Beheaded Died Divorce So Anne of Cleves Came overorce beheaded, died. We all know why she was called that. So Anne of Cleves came over and it got set up. It was a set up wedding after Jane Seymour died. And everyone was like,

mate, she's so fit. She's like a princess from Europe and she's fit. And he was like, is she though? And he was like, mate, I'm not marrying this bird unless I see a picture.

And someone showed him a painting. He was like, this is her. And she was like, yeah. It's not a photo. No, no, of course. She was like, yeah, she get it he she got off the boat came to see him and he basically went whoa fucking pig and and like it was he was appalled original cafe thought she was minging did she paint herself bigger oh gee catfish yeah yeah she put a filter on you know that's why she was called an Cleaves. Absolute Cleaves.

Told you that before, haven't I? Yeah. I read it somewhere once. Can't find it now. After that was Catherine Howard. Catherine Howard. And the last one was the keen golfer, Catherine Parr. Stupid.

Very average, though. Yeah, so divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced. Survived. Beheaded, survived. And, divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced. Survived. Beheaded, survived. And the second to last one was accused.

She was younger and she got accused of fucking someone. Because by then, Henry VIII was like a big fat fuck with gout and she was like 20.

I think that's fair play for her. You've got to get it there. Like, if Henry can't goosh here, you've got to go and get it elsewhere. And Catherine Parr was just nice. She was just nice. Just looked after him when he was old did she who had the boy she

survived did she have the boy oh yeah was it it's the one who died in it was it edward yeah i think it was jane seymour was it yeah it's the one who died she was like yeah fucking finally got me a boy you made smashed it and she was like yeah me job's done but there's so much of that that just basically listen someone tried to set her up with a mate Anne of Cleves she's so fit

she's lovely you'll love her here she is but you understand why that's not real that's like a romcom in it story

what the whole thing of Henry VIII you understand why I think that could not be real like there's no videos of any of this happening

the reason his reign is so famous is because of how mental that is if I told you I had six wives and I'd cut two of their heads off

would you believe me yeah I'd be like you need to book that therapy ASAP kid I don't know I just feel like

but it's the reason it's so famous that whole era he went to the new church yeah just because he wanted to fuck Anne Boleyn. He was like, listen, can I get a divorce? And the Pope was like, no, you fucking can't.

Can you fuck? And he was like, right, well, I want to shag her so much. We're out of this church. I'm starting my own. That's how fit Anne Boleyn was. He was like, to get this pussy, I'm starting my own church. Yeah, she must have had fucking bastards there. So MRI scan, yeah? Looking forward own church. Yeah, she must have had fucking bastards there. So MRI scan, yeah?

Looking forward to it. Yeah. I'm going to watch a video about the Tudors. Three-hour documentary. I've picked a strange week to quit porn, haven't I? Why? Well, we've got an OnlyFans star coming on. Yeah, but it's live, actually.

It's not porn if she does anything there. She can't do count as a porn star does she do porn does she just do does she get well eat yeah I think we should in the break

we should come up with film porn titles because she's done a few she's done Star Horse and Lord of My Ring oh has she

yeah Lord of My Ring I reckon there's more than one The Hobbit He's on such good form today I don't know what it's all because He's ready for an MRI He's flying

Yeah I'm off the porn Have you So you haven't had porn since I was like Laura There's a porn star coming in She was like who Got freaked out Thinking it was Sophie Anderson I said it was Rebecca Goodwin She was like I there's a porn star coming in she was like who got freaked out thinking it was Sophie Anderson

I said it was Rebecca Goodwin she was like I think she's great have you still been coming what are you still using the porn in your head no I've not been touching oh why so it's difficult

what do you mean obviously it's a technical What do you mean? Obviously, it's a technical thing, and I want to call this press conference and answer some questions, but there's obviously contractual issues. Can't answer specific details. You've been having sex with your wife? I'm just not going to be able to answer at this time.

Things have been happening. There's a lot... Again, let's try and get off that line of questioning. You know, it's important. Okay, let me ask a different question then. At any point this week, you fucked any woman? I have fucked a woman this week.

I have fucked a woman. I have had sex with a lady. But obviously because of contractual obligations, you know, i cannot answer about specific people but yes i can say yes have you cheated on your wife this week absolutely not no and i never would right but thank you i can answer that question interesting you've definitely shagged your wife please once again because of contractual obligations to said party i cannot answer questions specific to that and i wouldn't want to breach that trust that's something

that my wife my life partner the love of my life has asked me not to talk about and I'd never answer that question but all of the

in what situation when you had sex with that woman there's a little swip around yeah yeah yeah swip around

yeah that thing that you've never heard any human say ever we did a little swip around have you ever done that it's where she lies down

legs in the air and I spin like a helicopter have you seen that that's when you know you've not been watching porn than a human human copter have you got an order

that you go in what do you make it about I do my wife first and then leave it at that now actually though it wouldn't have been your wife

obviously that was a hypothetical because I because of contractual obligations cannot talk about do you always start in missionary I'm throwing it out there

I think I'm going to put a figure on this I think 80% of heterosexual sex starts in missionary I'm going to put it at 80%

I think the other 15% is hair on top. I think we should talk about this with Rebecca. I like favourite expressions and stuff, but I'll tell you both right now, missionary's my favourite. I like kissing. You can kiss when she's on top. I nearly jumped.

I nearly jumped. When she's on top, you get the boobies. Has she already had some therapy? I just like looking into the person that I'm talking to. Talking. Are you enjoying this, babe?

Don't break eye contact. Don't break eye contact. Don't you dare close your eyes. On top you get kissing and boobies though? Yeah, I know. I don't mind that as well. Hang on. You don't get loads of kissing

when they're on top. No, it's more like they're further away, aren't they? I like the close. Now, obviously, I'm talking very non-specific here, generic. There has been times, you know, and I'm not legally allowed to say recently, where a woman that I know, that I have frequented,

has been on top and to get me some cleaves, Anne of Cleaves, yeah? She's put an extra pillow behind my head. You know? Like an old person. Come on, granddad. Yeah. Oh, you have to like be... You can't be flat when she's on top.

No. When she's on top, it has to be like you're watching a film. One time, one time, because I really wanted some Anne of Cleaves, I put, you know, the travel pillow? Yeah. I put that on. Yeah. It was great. I'm going to of Cleves, I put, you know, the travel pillow? Yeah. I put that on.

Yeah. It was great. I'm trying to go all the way. Honestly, I got a concussion. I put the dog's cone on. I put it like that. From MRIs to Greek mythology to tits in the face.

It's have a word. Oh, honestly, the ride, so good. And I'm not even talking about her laziness. I just think it's great. If your wife was a rollercoaster ride, what would she be called?

Rita. Queen of speed. That's dumb. The Big Dipper. Not the big one, is it? The Pepsi Max big one. The Pepsi Max. Because she always loves a Pepsi Max during sex.

You know your girlfriend's rough. She's like, fuck it now, babe. Let me get that shiny Pepsi Max. My favourite roller coaster I've ever been on is called the Steel Dragon. Wow. I'm called Oblivion. Because you pass out. I was like, edge for ages.

Don't look down. Fuck, it's massive. What do you think Finn fuck off Finn stay away better without you oh I love him I hope he's alright I hope he's not too potted

let's have a little intervalle I might get liposuction you know what when you're in the tube two for one where what where I might get liposuction, you know. What, when you're in the tube? Two for one? Where? What? Where?

What do you mean? Where are you going to get it? Like, what part of your body? I just want to be slim, but I don't want to do any of the work to get there. That's Hollywood, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? I just want to eat what I want,

drink what I want, and be, like, have a six-pack. Why can't that be possible? You can be fat on the inside. Like, Steve is slim, but he's most definitely fat on the inside like Steve is slim but he's most definitely fat on the inside oh he's got a fat heart yeah

like because you can be fat on the inside yeah I know it's round all your I'm actually healthy what it's healthier

to have your fat on your outside because it's not clogging up your organs he's going to have a heart attack before I do what if you got both

what if you got both yeah some people do some people do rarely unhealthy people have both but you can be heart attack before I do what if you got both what if you got both yeah some people do some people do rarely unhealthy people have both but you can be skinny you go I eat what I want and I'm fucking

it's like the inside is fuck them yeah it's going somewhere isn't it I'm salmy oh I'd love to have one of those metabolisms

though that you can just eat everything you want and look like fucking Teddy Sheringham at 55 that's what I'm ripped my age it looks like shit I'd just love to be able to look like Teddy Sheringham at 55. That's what I ripped. That's what you don't do, yeah. It looks like shit.

I'd just love to be able to look like Teddy Sheringham at 55. He's wishing. He's making a wish. And he's picking Teddy Sheringham at 55. I didn't mean his face. I meant he just never had an ounce of fat on him, did he? He might not even be 55 yet. He was always just whip it thin.

He's 56 oh I would look like Amanda Holden she's fit for that age aren't they alright some serious liposuction getting done

how fucking you're really enjoying Slimming World what's your target Les Dennis was fuck he must have an absolute

bastard in his pants not this colour you know what's my special imperious where I explain why that is a common misconception and being having a big dick doesn't mean you faster than his pants not this colour if you don't watch my special Imperius where I explain why that is a common misconception

and having a big dick doesn't mean you punch above your weight there's other reasons for it check it out nice plug what's Les Dennis got though smooth

has he got a special raw sexual magnetism yeah yeah yeah fast pass she's got fit she's got all Liverpool airport she's one yeah fast pass she's got fit she's got all

Liverpool airport she's one of them no she's not she's got a lot they've seen her now no she's past the tipping point she's got a bit steady sharing have you not seen her pictures

no on Twitter has she gone fucking hell Stephen can I open your laptop have we got Amanda Holden love coming I've never been bothered by Amanda Holden

I have she just looks like she used to live next door to me. She always knocked on my milk. She used to leave loads of horses. She's why Les Dennis was involved. That was such

a lazy call, Bob. And that's why Les Dennis was involved. Swip it around. Here we are with Carl does computers That's what she looks like now Right It's good that It's really good this

For the audio listeners We're not seeing anything either Just imagine Amanda Holden In your head She's fine Isn't she? She's fine Amanda Holden in your head. She's fine. Isn't she? She's fine. Amanda Holden's...

Yes, she's fine. Oh, my God. Dan, have you got any questions? What the fuck? Everyone knows what Amanda Holden... What are we doing here? You don't know what she looks like. You don't look know what she looks like.

Is my phone on there now? No. Norton's on the screen. Spanners. Just stop it. Oh, there she is. Yeah, good. Well done, Carl.

See? Have a bit of faith, then. Oh, there's Amanda Holden. That's Amanda Bolden. No, I want to look at Amanda Bolden. I have no interest in Amanda Holden. Oh, there you go. All right, okay.

Well, you know. She's doing pretty well for herself at an age fair enough she's an attractive woman someone's ringing the bell there Matthew if you don't mind going and getting that lad

we've had a chaotic start to this section Amanda Baldwin and we've got to ring it around after absolute pod gold in the first half we start

you know what really unprofessional standards are slipping around here she's an attractive woman I'm just trying to tell you I fucking believed you I'm not

I'm still not arsed fuck off if she knocked at your door and was like hey Dan come and fucking smoke me you'd be made up they've gone enough of us

first name basis Dan Dan I'm a patron I'm a patron and I'd love to smoke you she might be a patron you never know

yeah alright cool that was the Amanda Holden section. I'm still not arsed. She's fine. Shut up. What are you talking about? She is.

You know what you look like. She's all right. She's going to be boring. Be it Eve. She's such a cougar, a milf cougar. A milf cougar? I wonder where cougar originated and why it wasn't like jaguar or panther.

Anyone got? Don't ask Carl to work the internet. no don't look it off don't look it off we'll wait till finn's back and he can do it it'll be quick behave carl of a ford cougar you know he said last week grand cars cougar is well better than finn's don't fucking swip around now swip yeah you little dickhead. Yeah. I'm going to start using different big cats for women I fancy. Like the older ones. Fucking hell, she's an absolute

fucking panther. Again. Puma. Puma. What a mountain lion. Mountain lion. She's an absolute fucking tiger.

Sabretooth. Yeah. There's not many, is there? That means you're really old. She's an absolute fucking tiger. Sabretooth. There's not many, is there? That means you're really old. She's a fucking lion hair, mate. An absolute sphinx. They're smaller. Like minks. A sphinx.

Aren't they the little weird ones? They're cats. Which are the one... There's a fucking massive one in Egypt, don't know what he made, Dan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking pyramid. What are the little ratty cats?

The little Persian... Persian? Is that what they call them? They've got no skin. Persian cats, yeah. They've got no skin? No, they've got no hair. They look like little ball bags.

I ate them. They look like God got bored and didn't finish one. They don't look... They're like half your room is painted. And you just leave it for a few years because you just forget. I reckon yeah if you've got adhd i need a six-pack and a hoover i honestly think if you're a cat and you live around the way and there's a persian cat that also lives on your block i bet the persian cat's not. They don't look sound, do they? No, but they look scary.

The other cats are scary. The Persian one's like, yeah, come near me. I've got no hair. Yeah, if you're good at grappling, you'll be able to grab them. Call those UFC. Shall we do a questions? Shall we give some advice?

Sure. Oh. Questions. Should we give some advice? Sure. I'm here to help. Oh. I'm here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. Persian cats are fucking noncy, mate. If you don't, you might get turned.

Agony on it. This one's from Amanda Holden. Why am I so bang average? Great question, Amanda. Bang average. Are you talking about you? He's just done his head in on mine. She's not arse, mate.

She's boring. How do you know? I bet she's not good at sex. How do you know that, God? Sweet day. How do you know she is? Unraveless. What's she done to you?

What? Has she upset you? She's just been a bit beige, hasn is? You have to unravel this. What's she done to you? What? Has she upset you? She's just been a bit beige, hasn't she? She's just beige. She's fine. I'm sure she's a dead nice woman. It's not something like,

oh my God, Amanda Holden. No, but like, she's like Mufi and like, she's only over there. She's not like Hollywood,

do you know what I mean? She's just fucking, she's the girl next door. She looks like Cheshire or something. Do you want to fuck her just because she's fucked Les Denny? She's like, well,

if she's fucked Les she'll fuck me no actually if anything hinders me appreciation for her she's up there she's up there on Beige Mountain

with Cat Dealey what are you alright Cat Dealey Cat Dealey was like my number one as a kid of course she was

fucking doing the wonky donkey song with Ant and Dec yeah because you didn't know any better she's lived her life mate she's only over there as well she's done nothing since the wonky donkey song with Ant and Dec. Yeah, because you didn't know any better. She's lived her life, mate. She's only over there as well.

She's done nothing since the wonky donkey. Kat Deely is elite. She's Paul Converning K or was, and he's a fit man. Now you're thinking of Tess Daly. Tess Daly. She's fit as well. She's fit, but she's 72. So to be fair, she's doing well. You chug it as well.

Oh, well, Tess Daly. Kat Deely, mate. She's the fittest pensioner on television. Kat Deely's the one. Lorraine Kelly is. Not us. Very average. Very plain Jane. You don't like blondes, do you?

No, I like dirty women. Hi, Laura. And I wasn't... Now, guys, for contractual obligations, I can't speak about... You don't like blondes? They're all blonde ladies? I do like blondes. No, you don't. Youes they're all blonde ladies I do like blondes no you don't you're just called blonde beige

the dirty ones Courtney Love listen a bit rough around the edges a bit I bet she'd absolutely she blew Kierkegaard's chin off with a shotgun

is that rough where have you got that from that's the conspiracy oh is it yeah yeah yeah and she killed one of fucking Henry VIII's wives

yeah it's a jealousy thing Tudor conspiracy Nirvana bullshit you don't like blondes you think they're boring that's fine

are you allowed your opinions no I do like blondes I think you're just I think you're talking about two very average you just named you three attractive blonde women Katya is not blonde

is she not no yeah she's mousy blonde she's fine though isn't she she's black black head

yeah yeah yeah yeah head black head oh yeah can I just have like this long black head in the hairdresser

Cateleon was my number one Erin Jelly Halliwell competing for the title yeah but not now I don't know you know the nostalgia of it

what do you not have The nostalgia of it. What? Do you not have like nostalgia? Yeah, that's why I have a wank thinking about Andy Peters. Yeah, sometimes. Maya Jammer,

what about her? Who's that? Who's Maya Jammer? Is she more current? Yeah. Has she ever done children's television? No.

No, well then she's fitter. Who's Maya Jammer? You've never seen her. Which one's Maya Jammer? Google Maya Jammer in front of yourself now. Yeah. And then your face will light up like a fucking Christmas tree, mate.

Right. Oh, okay. Maya Jammer. Am I spelling it how I... It's Maya, like M-A-Y-A-J-A. Like, it's like, Maya Jam me cock up, you arsehole. That's why they named her.

I mean, what? I think I've been wearing this face in three weeks. She's all right. I don't want to listen to you anymore. You're trying to do my editing on purpose. She's fine. No one's ever called my Gemma. She's a conventional seven.

What are you doing? Yeah, he's playing a game here. What game? You've gone for really like, you're like fit fucking substitute teachers. Not sexy. If she was our teacher in school, we would all be dead.

Our erections would have gone through our heads. I'm sorry, Miss Jammer. You can't teach this lesson. They've all passed out. Nah, they're fine. It's the age difference. That was such a great sound. Have you seen you?

You're into like fucking, yeah, Helen Mirren. OG Helen Mirren here we go look it's the age back in the day what have you seen pictures I fancy Helen Mirren

more now she could play she could play fucking Anne of Cleves my god Mirren dog she's not even in the same league

I'm not talking like you know silent witness what was she she was silent witness I'm talking pre back in the dears in the 70s you know when silent witness. What was she in? She was silent witness, yeah. I'm talking pre, back in the Ds, in the 70s, you know, when I was 33. When she was Q.

Yeah. She's younger then. No. What about Dame Judit? She's up there. With me now. I don't know. She's dancing in the sky.

She's with me. You like old women. We get it. We like young, attractive women. Do you remember when you were a kid and someone like 30

was seen as dead old and not attractive at all? Yeah. And now, I don't fancy 13-year-olds. You know what I mean? Like when I was 13, when I was 13,

I fancied 13-year-olds because you were like, wow, that is the best. Like I don't want a 13-year-old now. It's a good way now. Do you remember when you were 13 and there was a six-former and you were like,

wow, she is a lady. Yeah, on the phone. She's a grown woman. Yeah. Good question, though. Maya Jammer. Fine. You're playing a game there.

Fine. You're talking absolute horse tits. Fine. They'd be like, okay, you can do it, but don't move my hair. absolute horse tits fine they'd be like okay you can do it but don't move my hair I want someone who's going to be like listen grab everything

like come on no? I'm disappointed in you boys should we do some this one's from Amanda Holden why is Maya Jammer so average as well? that's what she's wants some advice

as well she's very self aware I'm going to give her that Why is Maya Jammer so average as well? That's what she wants in advice. As well. She's very self-aware. You've got to give her that. This is from Anonymous. Again. All right, lids. Anonymous, please.

Need a bit of advice. A couple of days ago, my brother-in-law borrowed my phone. He said to read some football news. He asked a couple of times, so I just told him the password. Then a few days after, he got his own phone back i unblocked my phone to see my google tabs left over left open they were everton news site so i knew he'd been on my phone without asking a couple of days ago i woke

up and unlocked my phone again this time porn hub was left open it's been the same for about a week now what should i do confront him change my password, or let my sister know and let her deal with it. Buy him a phone? I think you should write more convincing lies into your favourite company podcast. I've included a screenshot. Dan, let's just roll play this. Dan, Dan.

Oh, I mean, phones, bro. Four. Four. Oh, no. Dan. My phone's broke. Hi, Adam. Do you mind if I use your phone to read some football news?

Liverpool news.com. I just want to to read some football news liverpoolnews.com I just want to check the latest football news alright will you definitely give me but then not take it off me secretly to look at Everton news yeah yeah

do you know what can I use your phone to look at football news Adam I don't want you I'm not going to ask too many more times you're just going to have to give me a can I use your phone

to look at some football news I think you're going to sign up to imbeijersfuck.com the Cat Dealey website so I don't I don't trust you can I use your phone Dan to look at some football news? I think you're going to sign up to imbajesfuck.com, the Cat Dealey website. So I don't trust you. Can I use your phone, Dan, to look at some football news? I'm going to say no. Can I use your phone to look at some football news?

Oh, all right. I want to see the latest transfer news for Liverpool Football Club from around the globe. All right, okay. No, I'm going to say no. Yeah. We're not answering this question because you're lying. This is the screenshot search histories that he sent in.

Harry Robinson went through it. This is why he's appalled and thinks he should be telling his sister because his brother-in-law is some sort of deviant. The first one on Pornhub was bottles have come over Japanese teen. Bottles? The next is Japanese anal porn. The next is unsensitized Japanese teen. The next is... Bottles. The next is Japanese anal porn. The next is unsensitized Japanese teen maid. And the last one is

fucking machine fucking till I squirt. And that's what he was looking at on the Google tabs. First of all, this could easily be me. And second of all... You love bottles of cum, don't you? I like sneak. I love bukkake. Code word 10.

Smooth. You don't like love bukkake. Code word 10. Smooth. You don't like a bukkake? No. It tastes weird. So infantile. Do you actually not like them? Sometimes with Carl's joke, he doesn't do them like in a gap or loud enough.

That one was like, no, they taste weird. Smooth. No, I don't like loads of men's cum. Is that not normal? Do you know when we say we like Bukkake, we don't, it's not Bukkake. Please bring some London. We're not, we're not saying that we like it on us. Romololo Bukkake.

Romololo Bukkake. You know when we say it? He's not sitting here talking about Bukkake. He just said it! Don't throw him in it. You know when we say it? You know when we say it in town and go, Kyle, just quick one before we start. We like Bukakis.

No, no discussion. Just venues now. Can we circle back on Bukaki? It's not meant to be said in a Lancashire accent, is it? No, it's just loads of men coming, isn't it? That's what it is. I know I don't like it.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, fair enough. See, that's why I don't like Amanda Holder. She's not into Bukkake, is she? I think she's dead against it. She's got nice hair. Can that be the trainer this week?

Nothing else. Yeah. No. I can't say Bukkake. Bukkake. You also can't say Talc. Talc. Oh, you said it now. That's just because you said it. You can't say it if you don. You also can't say talc. Talc. Oh, you said it all.

That's just because you said it. You can't say it if you don't believe me. Tolkien powder. Talc. Tolkien powder. Yeah. Talc and powder. Talc, isn't it?

Talc. Talc. Talc? Yeah. Talc. Do you know I can't say school anymore without sounding scouse? School. School.

That's not a Preston accent. I don't... It's not a scouse one either. Oh, it's not. School. School. See? Oh, there you go, Preston accent I don't school school school see school what do you say school

school school school school school I've got school I've got bukkake at fucking nine

alright Amanda yours probably I've got triple bukkake I've got triple bukkake nine while fucking what were we talking about of this fella lying Yours, probably. I've got triple bukkake. I've got triple bukkake. Nine, well, fuck them. What were we talking about? Of this fella lying. He was lying.

Shut up. Even if you're not lying, who gives a fuck? I didn't watch porn. So your brother likes porn. Who are you? Saint Christopher. I don't even get the reference.

I don't even know who that is. My brother-in-law asked to borrow my phone to look at some football news. And he asked so many times that I gave in. What are you talking about? And I left the room while he wanked. Are you just looking at football news? Yeah.

I'm going to just go and make a cup of tea then. Okay. I'm definitely not going to get my cock out. I'm just looking at the latest Everton news. And then he came back. Please lock the door. And his pants were off. Oh, we got Sean's eyes.

Nobody else is wanking over Everton these days. Do you know what I saw yesterday on TikTok? This is a bit of a screech. and then he came back please lock the door and his pants were off oh we got Sean's eyes oh nobody else not wanking over Everton these days do you know what I saw yesterday on TikTok this is a bit of a screech some fella hates his neighbour so when he goes out

he shouts through his letterbox as Alexa to set alarms he said he shouts through his letterbox wake me up at 3am and call me a daft lazy twat that is

incredible oh I love that yeah so good one sec just one sec Alexa set an alarm for 4am

we haven't done that for a while yeah do you want the message to be gone oh the abuse oh you don't I don't want to go

flying oh I fucking forgot to turn it off Alexa ring the police call them tell them I'm a paedophile. Alexa. That's a hell of an Alexa you've got there.

Hello, police. This is Alexa. I'm a paedophile. Alexa, call 999. Is Alexa linked to the phone? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. The Amazon Echo links to the phone. Links to the phone? Yeah Is it? Yeah

The Amazon Echo Link to the phone Link to your mobile? Yeah Fuck Alexa Play the Arctic Monkeys AM album

Alexa I don't think that's Quite as annoying as the Phone 999 one It is at 4 o'clock in the morning Oh yeah it is Especially At 4 o'clock in the morning When your alarm's it is. Especially at four o'clock in the morning

when your alarm's gone off and you've got no fucking pricks and then you try and go back to sleep and 40 seconds later. Alexa, play Welcome to the Jungle max volume.

He was great when he maxed volume. Wag Wag Liderinos. Oh, a bit more advice. Oh no, this is I have a word. I'm going to link it to that neighbour.

Is that right? Go ahead. Wag Wag Liderinos. Hope you're well. Can you have a word with my twatty neighbour? For whatever reason he decides that he needs

to start burning stuff in a barrel in his garden at 10pm on a Tuesday night. He does it every couple of weeks. It makes the area stink of burning shit and all the smoke comes across into our garden which pisses off my dog and myself.

I was just nervous the dog's pissed off. Well, listen, we already know. Yeah, I was just nervous the dog's pissed off. The dog's like, I'm fucking fuming about this. With my asthma. Woof. It's a horse. The dog's like, woof.

I can't even woof. He's burning bodies, isn't he? No. What's he burning every fortnight in his garden at ten o'clock in a bin? Who? Er, debris. Debris?

Debris. Who's she? He's burning bodies. No. Or hard drives. Burn it. Ah, always go. Always go.

Murderer or paedophile. It's, you know, could be leaves. Nah. It go. Always go. Murderer or paedophile. It's, you know, could be leaves. Nah. It's paedo leaves. Can't really burn leaves. They're always wet. Could be the burrito.

I mean, you could burn... Such a stupid... Did you get it? It was cheese. I got it. Oh, yeah. The camembert. Yeah. Oh, you think it was cheese I got it oh yeah big ham and bear

yeah oh you got it great play left back he's got it Middlesbrough erm I'm

I think you should be allowed to burn anything when you want fuck it when you want I love a burn whatever burn get some shit together.

Anything is wood-based. It's going in my... I think fires are good if you set them, but they're really inconvenient and annoying when anyone else has done it. Well, I live next to Martin, and he burns what he wants. You're an absolute gobshite, Martin.

You ate him. This one you ate, and you've wished death on. You always tell us off, Cal, but you ate him. No, I don't. I sit you down and tell you about Bukkake. Two things, Cal.

Sit down. I hate my neighbour. Love Bukkake. His wife. We live next to burners, so we're fine. Set precedent. Everyone's burning shit on our street. But do you dry your clothes in the garden?

What, in February? Who's the paedophile now? What are you talking about? If it's a dry day. In February? Tell me when the last time you put clothes out to dry is honestly.

No. He's never done that in his life. No, I've never put it in the garden. Right, cool, yeah. No, we don't. No. Summer, it's a bit different. In Canadian though,

if you have. This is a middle of winter email that we've just got. You can't be like, I was drying my clothes no you weren't lies not having it 10pm is a little late for a burn though yeah

have you ever burnt anything in your little garden no there's something very empowering about it have you done it in your flat 13th floor my dad used to have fires quite regularly when we were kids I've never known you. There's something very empowering about it. Have you done it in your flat? I do like the look of a fire. Burn. 13th floor. My dad used to have fires quite regularly when we were kids. Talk about nostalgia.

I've got a bit of nostalgia. My grandad used to love burning stuff at the end of the garden. And it was cool. You'd literally go around and when he got annoyed with us... Just there with a lighter and a book. Just love burning stuff at the end of the garden.

Harry Potter. Just love burning stuff at the end of the garden. Potter just love burning stuff at the end of the garden he used to have he used to have a cigar he just got when we got annoying he'd be like he's off down the garden

you just see some smoke fucking cool where are you going to get to in life where's my grandad where do you think he is at the bottom of my garden wearing a blowtorch

in a fucking blow up doll yeah that was it that's how he got rid of all his blow up dolls I love a bit of a burn I know I want you should be like oh he's inconsiderate Tosha's a fucking blow-up doll. Yeah, that was it. That's how he got rid of all his blow-up dolls. I don't think I love a bit of a burn. I know I want every... You should be like, oh, he's inconsiderate,

but just think. Let it burn. All right, Tosha. I nearly said that. And slapped myself. I understand it, but I can't even remember what the question was, so... No, it's about a neighbour.

Kyle Glynn says, I literally have a... Oh, shit, so I have a word. I glenn says eyelids have a oh shit so i have a word i've linked to i have a word so guys this is advice um claire says porn advice advice needed sex hang on should we save it for the lady we've got to save this for rebecca aren't we we don't have to cut it out we'll just save it for the lady there's advice about porn it's the wrong time for it. We've got someone coming in. This one's for Adam.

Ron Arcus says, Wag wag lids. Not sure if this is a question or advice or I have a word on myself. You decide. I've got tickets to see Adam, Freddie and Jamie in Norwich in February. Have you done?

Did anyone poo their pants? No. Great. It's my first comedy gig for years last time was about 15 years ago seeing reginald d hunter who's excellent i'm buzzing for it as maybe one of my few chances to see you guys um now here's my issue i've recently been diagnosed with ibs as you know uh sometimes you gotta go uh so if such thing was to, what's your advice in leaving the gig without making a scene? I don't want to fuck up the show for any comics or fans,

or am I just being a bellend and overthinking and you guys don't actually give a fuck if someone gets up to take a shit? Therefore, have a word with me for being a bellwiff and just get on with it. Thanks, Lids. Keep up the good work. That's from Ron. He's got IBS and he's a bit worried about going to gigs.

Well, my advice would be to just stand up and go to the toilet. Now, can I just check that your advice isn't just sit there and poo your pants? Yeah, just get up. Don't announce it to anyone and just go to the toilet. You'll be alright.

That's pretty standard stuff. Don't shit your kegs. Don't tell anyone you're about to have a shit. But just get out of the venue without being a bellend. Don't kick a glass over. That's so annoying. Don't kick a glass over. Don't be pissed and annoying. Just stand up and go to the bog.

Yeah, you are allowed. Wipe your hands. Oh, stand up and go. I'm really sorry, everyone, but I was recently diagnosed with IBS and I must go and poo immediately. Otherwise, I'll poo right here and we don't want that

and I don't want to disturb the show. Carry on, Adam. You know what it's like for you also have IBS undiagnosed, but I'm going to the bathroom to relieve my bowels. Can't do that. But then just go quietly.

Then just go quietly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get a glass over them. But you've got to make it nice and loud and clear so everyone understands. I'm going to poo now. Whether that's here or in a toilet bowl, it's happening.

Adam's doing that so loudly that Wallace outside is going, Bring a radio mic with you and hock it up that long going for a poo I think that's absolutely standard advice

just get up and shut up yeah or no or do that or yeah it's well better it would get annoying the second time

the only thing is that sometimes sets a precedent if it's 20 minutes in like oh he's going to I'll go you know yeah I might go actually.

Adam, I'm so sorry to stop the show. I need a massive whiz. I had my first kid two years ago and I haven't got good bladder control and you are piss funny,

but it's going to go straight through my fucking knickers. Anyone who goes for a wee in any comedy show that lasts an hour or less should be shot dead. There we go.

No. We're getting to it. I ibs is a bit different but when you're 15 minutes into a comedy set and people start getting up going i'm just going for a wee you're just like what why like i won't like pick them out and whatever but silently on stage i'm like i genuinely hope they get home and like someone's burgled their house and stole all their favorite things because it's just you're an adult and you can't hold a wig in for 15 20 minutes what are you doing it's not being a cunt um yeah another annoying one on a compared show is when there's a break of 25 minutes half an hour you come back on as the compare and you do eight ten minutes and you go right i'm gonna bring the next act on and someone goes

I need to go for a piss now like what the fuck you've managed to not last eight minutes you've had a break when you go to cinema you rarely sit down and go ten minutes in

I'm going to go for a piss you don't do you wait just do the same thing it's a performance to be fair you're not usually getting hammered at the cinema

although the everymans are a bit boozy not even that it doesn't matter how much you are. Either way, you hold it. Be an adult.

Yeah. Or pitch kicks. Or just stand up and announce it. That's all. I'm loving this route. Use any of them. Yeah.

But don't stand up and kick a glass and go. Yeah. Then you're getting shot. That would be weird though. Last one. Last one from Josh Goldsby what's happening lids

I'm after a bit of advice I'm currently living in Brighton having moved here for uni about 5 years ago since graduating and all my mates fucking off to get real jobs I'm feeling a bit bored

of the whole scene down here I'm a lifelong Everton fan and I also like Japanese porn and I've always sorry I'm a lifelong Everton fan and I've always

had a natural urge to move closer to Goodison. Why? Should I embrace the change and move to Liverpool or will I get my head kicked in every time I go for a beer just for having a soft cunt southern accent? Keep doing what you're doing. I love to know what people's perception of Liverpool is.

Josh, that it's eggy. People think that's what it's like, you know. People think they're going to be in a bar and go, excuse me, could I have a pint of Carl and please? And someone's going to go, Lance, you're not from here, you fucking knobhead. Have you met my mate Stanley? Why would you, why? Move further away from Goodison.

Self-love? What are you doing? Why are you a non-Scouts Everton fan anyway? Fucking idiot. What are you doing? Stop. a non-Scouts Everton fan anyway fucking idiot what are you doing stop support Brighton they're good now

yeah but they won't be they're on holiday aren't they Brighton are on holiday I don't think they are they've got rid of their manager and he wasn't the reason no I mean but you know they've got a good structure in place Brighton

yeah I'm not saying 10 years ago they were playing in a fucking hockey ground yeah but they won't ever like get properly said as invalidated. I don't think they're going to be fine. I think they're going

to stick around now. Ah, they could be Stoke. Real easy. Stoke would never play in a football if people are bored of it. Just don't come to move near Goodison.

You can't take away someone's fandom. Like, you can't be like, why are you whenever to... No, I'm just wondering why. He's a blue because he's a blue.

Just happens, does it? You're different blue because he's a blue. Just happens, does it? You're different. You were born in Liverpool. How many fucking people, how many people in Liverpool go, do you know what? I'm going to be a West Brom fan.

I get it. But when you're from different, smaller places, sometimes you grow up loving a Premier League team or whatever. You pick who you pick. Then don't change it. No, don't change,

but he's unfortunate to have picked the world's shittest team but the bigger thing is how fucking mental do southerners think it's going to get

in Liverpool when they come up it's an international city yeah there's fuck loads of scouts I get it but there's people

from all over I think he should move to County Road yeah don't do that then you probably will get his head kicked in move to County Road and then full tilt. Don't do that. Then you probably will get his head kicked. Move to County Road and then just walk around asking

for how to join the County Road Cutters. They're called what? They're called the County Road Cutters. The County Road Cutters? That's the... County Road. Where's County Road? It's on County Road.

It's next... Which area? Is it town centre? No, it's near that Road that it's next it's the same which area is it is it town centre no no it's near Everton it's yeah oh is it

it's Anfield isn't it no it's Everton is it Everton classed as Everton I think so yeah is Everton a bit closer to town like Everton Brow

and everything is that a little bit south of north like that oh okay right right right yeah yeah move to County Road. It's nice there.

I've got a holiday apartment there. It's nice. Get a sandwich board that's wearable and just wear a sign. You know, like Bruce Willis in Diary. And just wear, I want to join the County Road Cutters. I am an Everton fan from Brighton.

Just walk up and down County Road wearing that. And eventually one of them will come up and you'll get to join the fam. And that's how you make friends. Do that. That's great advice. And that's what the university give that advice to a lot of students that come up and you'll get to join the firm. And that's how you make friends. Do that. That's great advice and that's what the university give that advice

to a lot of students that move up. Yeah. There's 15 missing students at any one time. If you want to move up because you love Everton, I get it, okay.

It's nice to have fans but stay where you are. You're not welcome. I'm not from Liverpool and mate, since we've moved here, I'm like, I've fallen in love

with the city it's fucking great do you think you'll ever move here to be close to Goodison honestly as a Prestonian Watford fan something just draws me

closer to Goodison and it's probably because I'm having to do a lot of commuting with the county road cutters because we meet every Tuesday and Thursday night

imagine if it came out Dan was a fucking, absolute fucking head of the firm. What? Do you reckon you'll ever move to Liverpool? What, the CRC? Do you reckon you'll ever move to Liverpool?

Yes. No. Why? Because I live 35 minutes away, lads. Yeah, but like, you live no minutes away, you've lived here. Yeah, but I could live in Liverpool

and it could take 20, how long does it take you to drive to work, Steve? 20 minutes. 20, 25. Takes me 35. He lives in the very north. You'd live in the south. I live in the very south.

He lives in the centre. I live in the south. I'm five minutes. You could live in Egberth. Yeah, I don't think so. I honestly don't think so. Because I feel like I've got... I'm here all the time.

Like I can, if we stay out, if we decide to have a beer tonight, I can leave my car here and get a fucking Uber home. Yeah. It feels like I live. It is better than where you live though, isn't it?

No, I love Chester. I really love Chester. Like I think it's a great little, plus I've lived in cities before. I've done my city stint. I want a big fucking garden and I want a chilled out street and then a nice town you can have that yeah i get it but i can also you like i get to come and hang out in liverpool whenever i want and what if etta looked at you one day and went dad i want to move to liverpool and if you don't i'm running away

well what if she turned to me and went dad are you already talked like this you know because you keep taking me down to the county Road Quarters Juniors. I'm in the under fucking tens, lad. Look at that. Look at that. I've learned that. That's under 12 level. Has Chester got an indoor

go-kart and ring? What? Shit. Quick, get on right. Move. Move me. Mine there. I don't know.

I'm actually going to say that. Just move to Liverpool, please. All right, cool. But because I'm not from Brighton. Yeah. But if I'm from Brighton, stay there. Stay there.

Brighton's lovely. Yeah, it's all right. We made stripper friends in Brighton. We did. I made, we made friends with a stripper and we got a real name and she bought us a beer.

She bought us beers. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff Enear, I heard it was, actually. Bet she looked just like him on the holding. You all right, guys? Do you remember Wonky Donkey? Fuck off. Jeff Jeff Eane I heard it was actually bet she looked just like him on the holding you alright guys do you remember wonky donkey

fuck off fuck off Jeff you've done my head you know I'm not gonna forget that you big fucking old cunt oh wow oh wow Carl's starving again

Carl Carl everyone's like is there a bit of beef between they'll be like fucking hell it's gone off again there Carl only gets like that when a bit of beef between Carl they'll be like fucking hell it's gone off again there Carl only gets like that

when he's hungry have a carbohydrate you big fanny have a Carla hydrate when Carla's all gloated are you well done on the weighing oh yeah

I've lost eight and a half eight and a half stone you're looking well I've lost eight and a half pounds you need a bag of crisps eight and a half pounds mate bam two weeks of crisps eight and a half pounds mate bam

two weeks well done mate I'm starting boxing he's starting boxing I'm hungry as well I'm losing my concentration I've got risotto there and it's fucking heavy

alright lads let's have a break got a kebab on the way got Rebecca Goodwin in hey wait where's the camera it's there where's the camera

ignore it where's the camera yeah but usually it's around about here so so you Where's the camera? Where's the camera? But usually it's round about here, so. So you have the camera on there. But you're a distinguished tax attorney. Why would you have a camera on you, Fanny?

When I'm stuck in my house. Thanks for coming in. That's all right. Thank you for inviting me. It's a really cool studio. I've heard you've made £45 billion from showing people your fanny. Not quite that amount, but we're getting there. It's a lot, though, from showing people you're funny it's not quite that amount but we're getting there it's a lot though isn't it yeah it's a lot of money is it over the mill yeah i've made two and a half million fuck me well done well i said family

then and not fanning that's a different only fans in it it's called jeans reunite two and a half mil yeah that's mad it's not bad's not, it's all right for, you know, laying on my back. Yeah. Not too bad. Imagine being able to make two and a half mil lying down. Like I struggle sitting down in here.

Do you know what I mean? Maybe that's the problem. Get a bed. There you go. Maybe you need to be like, let down. Could Adam make good money on OnlyFans? Anyone can,

if they've got a bit of personality. So I'm going to say probably not that much. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go! Here we go, a slam! A minute and thirteen seconds in! What? What? A what? A slam. I think slammed. Erm, it's basically you've got to specialise. OnlyFans, like, if you're a lady and you're good at, you know, fucking things. Yeah, yeah.

You, traditionally, that's the only fans route in it then there's couples but like if adam started it he's got to be sort of he's got to be a specialist honey i'd say that it applicated to the gay community because obviously men are buying only fans more than women are right so what do you reckon the percentage is 90 95 98 what am i not no i mean like generally only fans well obviously creators women is like a lot but then the people actually subscribing i'd say it's about 80 percent man i've got a lot of women on mine though but a lot of them subscribe so they can shove a traffic up that traffic cone up their bum hole too so they just get the ideas and then they fuck off but it's like i've had my tenor so you've got women following you to steal your ideas yeah traffic but they're not all they're

not all stealing my ideas a lot of them just uh subscribe because they like me and they wanted to help me with my housing project and get my first house and stuff so i could yeah a lot of it is just sympathy subscribers because my fanny looks like a fucking kebab that's been dropped on floor. So it's not that that's happening. You'd do all right. Your arsehole's in tatters. It's not that bad. I don't know what the arsehole looks like, though, do you know what I mean? No, but you can find out.

Only fans slash Adam Rowe arsehole. Not comedy. I've just dropped me a new special. Flappy. I've just realised I a new special. Flappy. I've just realised I don't know what my bumhole looks like. Like, I've never really thought about that before. Have you ever sat on a mirror? What?

No. Never squatted over the mirror, no. What? Like, I know what my cock looks like, don't I? Have you? What, sat on a mirror? Have you ever squatted over a mirror? No, but I know it. Oh, right.

You just said it like, haven't you done it? Every Tuesday. Mirror Tuesday. Yeah, it's slimming well, isn't it? Oh, God. a mirror oh right you just said it like haven't you done it every Tuesday mirror Tuesday yes slimming well oh god I wonder if like my bumhole

so I've got IBS right okay that's one way to introduce yourself what that's one way to introduce yourself I've got IBS

he just lost 10,000 subscribers I just wonder like whether there's on the outer of my bumhole I've done any damage mine's damaged it looks like a walnut that's, I've done any damage. Mine's damaged. It looks like a walnut.

That's what I put on my bio. It's like inside out at this point. That's what I'm wondering. Is mine inside out from all the... No, she's been sitting on traffic cones. You used to have loads of booze. Yeah. I wasn't expecting it.

How is... Don't bring up walnuts. Stays in finchers. He said walnut. Get a walnut. I wasn't expecting it how is don't bring up walnuts Steezy and Finch he said walnuts get a walnuts what was

your first video how did you get into it like what was the first I started off just like oh I'm only gonna show my tits you know

like nothing I didn't even have any tits at that point so I was literally just showing my heartbeat but I was trying just like showing my tits

and then six months like I've got a fucking tent called traffic cone in one hour all this yeah it just went a bit mad but i didn't expect there was steps in between that though it wasn't just one day many but yeah there were not many not many not many from here's me to traffic cone yeah well i blew up sort of overnight it's all that fucking i've got to step up my game i know what can i do that's better than last one so obviously is that people saying to you i want this or were you like i want to step it up and get more money yeah it was more like yeah well you've run out of ideas so it was like i've already shagged men people are getting

bored of that let's move on to women right i've shagged them let's move on to non-binary shagged them and then next thing you know you've got a fucking tentacle hanging out the arsehole it's it's quite a slippery it's a slippery slope he's still squatting over mirrors have you always like because obviously

I know you've just done the steps of how you get to traffic cone but I'm sure there's only fans content creators

who probably don't have traffic cone in their plans have you always liked bum play and things in your

bum or is it just since the only fans that you went you know what I've always liked yeah I've always said you know

there's no such thing as the wrong ho-wol that is my motto so I've always liked bum play your motto that was in your school year book

yeah yeah yeah yeah you have two syllables for the word hole yeah if you want it's the same with row-wol ho-wol

I mean you're allowed to say whatever you want if you shouldn't like, fuck, traffic cones in it, but I'm just saying you add an extra syllable. Traffic co-ends. You know when you say traffic cone, was it like a UK regulated, like, motorway traffic cone? Because I had a crash on the

M60, there was no fucking cone. Where was it? No, it's an actual dildo, it's made from body safe silicone. It's not as big as a normal traffic cone. Oh, it is an actual traffic cone. It's a dildo traffic cone. Do you know the traffic cone conspiracy? No. Me and Adam know the

traffic cone conspiracy. I think I've invented it. Yeah, I think it's real luck. So traffic cones, you know, when they're on the most way but there's no roadworks being done. I think that's because they've got nowhere to store them. Mate, they've always got a nowhere to store them. Mate, they've always got a place to store them when I'm around.

You could be stopping so many delays on motorway. So it's always been a bum thing. Bum's all good. Yeah, I've always like, you know, I think that's great.

10 out of 10 would recommend to a friend, but Traffic Cane was just like, like I say, it was, I've already yeah I've always like you know I think that's great and I would recommend to a friend but Traffic Cane was just like like I say it was I've already done the penis thing you know

let's move on to bigger and better things it's weird with women innit because some people love getting bummed and some people

hate it and there's no middle ground yeah but the people that hate it have not given it chance long enough to like it it's like obviously

first time hurt I was crying you know get through the first season you have to get through the first season you do and then you're like

oh no I'm into it yeah breaking bad just a big crystal meth is that what you think it is with your arse you have to keep going but I don't know about that

because the first time I had a finger in my arse I was like game yeah yeah yeah but with a cock it's a what you think it is with your arse you have to keep going but I don't know about that because the first time I had a finger in my arse I was like game yeah yeah yeah well yeah but with a cock it's a bit different

because obviously well hopefully it's a bit wider and a bit longer than a finger but yeah so yeah it's just the first time

pushing through that make sure you've got loads of lube and then you tend to enjoy it but right okay it's nice to hear about your first finger that was a nice moment

yeah yeah yeah yeah just a matter of time before traffic code isn't it what are we going to do

for the next patron special do not sit on the traffic code no I've already decided I can't put anything else up my arms

to watch stripe like where do you go you're not going to the base no not the base I've not managed to that far obviously obviously the base is easy I'm I've not managed it that far pussy obviously

the base is easy I'm glad it's got a flared base pussy but yeah so it goes obviously orange and then there's a white band so I can get it down

to the bottom line of the white band and I know that because there's a little mark on there the water line the tide mark have you got it

yeah no I've not brought that one I brought something else with me this time because I'm fed up with showing my traffic car and it's stealing

my spotlight same exactly I feel the same have we just been podcast porn hack ah the traffic cone what have you brought

it's always the traffic cone what have you brought I've brought a very special butt plug but I can't remember if I washed it or not so this could be embarrassing it's very special

surely before it does why is it special because it turns you into a foxy lady. Is it a tail one? Mm-hmm. Love this, mate. Get it out.

It's over there. Shall I go grab it, yeah? Yeah, go grab it. It's just... Just as the production... I'm just worried that... Do you know what I've started to realise? What?

She's just about to put a tail up her arse. It's not going up her bum, though, is it? We're just getting it out. Is it not? Yes're just getting it out. Yes! Oh my God. Do you know what that, like, I don't know what it is, right?

I think what I've figured out lately is, because I like fancy dress, and I love this stuff. Like, this does it for me all day long. Are you a fairy? No, I don't want them to wear the full costume. I just want the ears and the tail, right? And I just think I want women to be anyone but themselves.

Anything but women. Tennis player, badger. Honestly. Turn in. Like, if the person that I have to talk to and watch the telly with, I'm like,

you're fucking annoying. I'd rather you be a fucking rabbit. You hit the wrong people then. I'm not fucking you. Get the Batman suits on. No, you're not doing the voice. Fucking hell, Adam.

Do it. So do you just walk around the house at that inn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mad. Usually when kids are at school, but sometimes when they're off, there's nothing I can do. Why are you rubbing it? You're going to make a wish.

What are you doing just cleaning it wipe in case anyone has to touch it I don't know I'm not touching it can I just say I grew up in the 80s

and basil brush was a big thing and as soon as you whipped that out it was really conflicting because I felt aroused and nostalgic boom boom

the only problem with this is it's really heavy so when it's in the bum is it's really heavy so when it's in the bum hole it's sort of it's like a paperweight it's sort of like leaded down a bit and i think that's the reason why my bum hole looks inside out because i have wore this quite a lot right um but it ends up falling out the genuine question would you just wear that for fun just for yourself i'd wear it for like not not for like solo fun but if you don't have a guy in the bedroom asks me to put on

my foxtail I'd be like no questions asked absolutely for a tenner a month sign up at yeah

come on you know is there any this is the one you like but have you been asked to wear anything because obviously if you're

are you single are you I'm single right okay so you're, are you single? I'm single. Right, okay. So you're seeing someone and they're like, oh cool, this is what you're into. Is there anything that they've ever,

have you been asked to do anything where you're like, actually I think that's a bit grim or an outfit that you're not into? No, because I don't really have any standards or anything, do you know what I mean? So anything's all right with me pretty much.

I'm a bit wary when it comes to can you get in a diaper or nappy or something because I get a lot of people I know and your fans asking for that

and it's like I don't want to you know be a pedo baiter but at the end of the day it's a tenner so what can you do

have you not got a line of I will not do that and I will never do that it's probably the AB what's it adult baby have you not got a line of I will not do that and I will never do that it's probably it's probably the AB

what's it adult baby diaper lover yeah yeah like adult baby yeah sucking dummies so you've never been in a nappy no it's not for me

it's not it's very it's pretty specialist isn't it yeah it's a lot of people are trying to say look it's not you know anything to do with

babies or anything but it's like you're wearing a nappy and sucking a dummy. Isn't it like a domination thing? Isn't it all like high-powered lawyers who like all day have to make loads of decisions and then just want to go home and get looked after? Yeah, but...

That's what I was talking about. I know what you're talking about, but that's them wanting to be adult babies, isn't it? No, I know, but it's all part of the same fantasy, isn't it, surely? Well, there is like, obviously, there's something called regression which is

a non-sexual term where you revert back to your childhood that's what I mean but that's non-sexual the age regression whereas age play

is obviously where you take the nappy off and then oh yeah you're looking for the reasoning behind it but first read is that's a fucking

nappy babies wear them yeah I could see where also if you're doing OnlyFans I I'm just guessing, once you've gone down that route, you can't be like, but next week I've got some nice lingerie. Do you know what I mean?

Like you've gone too... Yeah, you have to stick to it. But there are obviously a lot of people that want it, but places like OnlyFans and stuff don't allow that content because MasterCard won't accept payment for any sort of content that's like that. So it's just ruled out completely. But there like websites that use bitcoin and cryptocurrency in exchange for because it's going weird it's going dark okay cool the thing is i've got no problem with a man wanting

to be a baby right and he's like i want to be the baby have a word pot at gmail.com i don't want like one of your fans saying to you I want to be the baby that's not him being a paedophile is it because he wants to be the baby but if he wants

the other person to be a baby that's the problem isn't it well yeah but it's Rebecca's only fans isn't it so they can enjoy

that wearing what they want can't they they could be at home in like a full fucking onesie like

but it's what you're wearing and what you're wearing and what you're putting on your... How many subscribers have you got? 17,000. Oh, fuck. Go on, you're late. We've got like...

Fucking hell. We've got 20 without even fucking wearing diapers. I've got 24,000 on my free one, but yeah, 17,000 are paying $12.50 a month, so. Amazing. It's not bad. It's not bad money. It's fucking brilliant. Are you in the top 0.01%?

Well, top 0.02, I dropped. Yeah, I... But thanks for bringing that up. I'm sorry, two and a half mil, are you all right? Isn't fucking everyone, though? That top, I'm in the top, honestly. No, no, no. Yeah, everyone says it, but that's...

If you're 0.02 two you're well look there's a massive difference between 0.1 and 0.01 and obviously i'm no offense to men but they have zero point and it's the same number like it just yeah there's people saying this so the difference between 0.01 and 0.1 is probably about 20 grand a month so you see that and it doesn't really make much sense but there's so many the one i subscribe to is top 80 you know and she's really trying how is she now well yeah well the diabetes is hard work but when she's honestly when she takes that insulin shot at least she doesn't do it wearing a nappy it's not a perv um what is dating like when you do what you do um i've not really tried it to be honest because it's not something i'm really looking for

yeah i imagine i would this is what i imagine it to be like someone say yeah i'm fine with it you know go for it you've got money you know you you're probably a good five out of a ten so we'll try dating you and then later on at the on down the line we'll start getting into arguments and then it'll be... Jealousy. You do OnlyFans and I can do... So I just think, fuck it, because I've got a foxtail butt plug

and a traffic cone, what more do I need? And I've got millions of pounds, so... It just seems a bit pointless now. Yeah, you can't argue with that. That might be the only time anyone's ever said that in human history. I've got a fucking traffic cone and a fox butt plug and millions of pounds genuine question like if someone if you did start dating someone and they they considered you working with other

male performers as cheating what would your answer be just fuck off it's my job why would you even pursue me do you know what i mean you can clearly see I'm all over the internet getting fucking dicked down. I ain't going to stop that for some Tom, Dick or Harry or fucking TikTok. Will you be my girl now? Would you date him? If you're not happy with it,

obviously there's no romance behind making a film. I'm literally in there, come on, swat it in and straight out again, back home. So if they can't see that there's no romance behind that or love, and I'm still going back to them at the end night still sucking their dick then they may as well just stay away because i'm going to carry on fucking other guys yeah also it's your job isn't it yeah

if you if you if you were seeing someone they went do you know what i really want to get into and they'd never tried it before that'd be a different conversation wouldn't it you can't meet someone and then be like do you know what yeah yeah it's different do you do with a porn away from the only fans like you go and do porn you get you do the scenes like they go on the the websites and everything like you're saying it's just work do you ever get there and like there is a bit of a connection or is it lich because i think lads watch porn going oh she genuinely because I hate porn. That's not the end of the sentence. I love porn,

but I need to think or believe that the girl or woman is like, I'm loving this. Honestly, I'm not even invoicing. This is going to absolutely destroy my career, but not one single time, no. I'm very, very self-conscious about my body. Obviously, you wouldn't think so, but this is nothing but acting for me. I'm not a sexual person. but not one single time no i'm very very like self-conscious about my body like you obviously

wouldn't think so but this is nothing but acting for me i'm not a sexual person like i don't i don't sleep with anybody outside of work like this is strictly work this is me putting on my best show going in there absolutely not liking it and i know people say oh consent but this is like going to work and not liking you know what i mean i do like the job itself it's just when it comes down to the final scene because we do all the like script work beforehand blah blah blah because i do like little lord of my rings star whores like so everything up until the point where the dick's going inside me i love but then when you've got fucking four cameras every angle i've got a mum tom one up me fucking clit one up me arsehole one up me cleavage it's daunting it's scary and the only

thing you can do is just make it look like you're having a good time put it into showbiz mode yes but you're getting you must be getting used to yeah it's getting a lot easier sorry it took me three years to be able to do a collab because i'm not very good around people quite socially you know anxious so it did take me three years to do it but then my first one was with Danny D and he was just so laid back and I like I smoke stuff and he smoked stuff so we were like you know just chilling and then it's like right it's time for the scene and I think that was probably the best bit for my career because that made me think I can do it now like this one was fine and this was a huge name that I was doing it with um so yeah that made it easier and then as I've progressed obviously I've got a videographer that knows what insecurities I've got

and knows which angles to get. Is that Dick Bush? That's Dick Bush, yeah. Good man, old Dicky Bush. Oh, Dicky Bush. We're all nodding like, yo, we know Dick, Mr. Bush. We're all big fans.

George's brother. But yeah, that's it. It's just that bit. And with the lads. Dick Bush and George Bush. That's not like... Would you reckon you would make more money if you were a couple?

So like if you got a partner and he was into it? Do you not reckon? Is there not like a bigger market for that now? No, I don't think so. I think a lot of people like to think that, you know, OnlyFans is a dating site. Oh, they know, yeah. So they're like, oh, I can get,

I get guys on there and they're tipping me thousands thinking that, you know, this girl's going to be with me forever. And obviously that's not the case, but I wouldn't get that if I was in a relationship. Do you ever get anybody like, you have to like, not threaten them, but like, oh, he's a bit worried

and I have to deal with that separately? It's one of those things where I can just sort of turn my phone off at any point you know what i mean like it's money at the end of the day if i don't feel like doing something turn it off and go back to it when i'm feeling a bit better it's the same with hate comments everyone says how do you deal with hate comments simply don't look at them until i'm in a mood where i'm like fuck yeah do you know what i mean if i'm in a bad mood i'm crying at home shoving chocolate in my face the last thing i'm going to do is look at someone saying that i look like fucking Chris Whitty in a wig. So yeah, sort of choosing the right moment

to look at those. Yeah, you do not want to... Yeah, that's not a comment you want to read when you're on your period, is it? I don't think you look anything like Chris Whitty. I did a comparison side to side because people kept saying it and I was like, I need to see if this is true.

Hang on, they kept? This is an actual comment that people have repeated? Well, it was a comment that I first saw Chris Whitty. Chris Whitty upstate. Chris Whitty's walnut arsehole look. Oh my God.

What can you see? It's a black one. He's not a shit screen, James. Just turn that. Am I step ahead of you? Holy shit. I'm fascinated by the... When you said about...

What is he called? Danny D. Yeah. Oh, behave. We've all seen his way. He's so jealous. He's got a massive... Yeah, okay. he's got a massive I didn't want to mispronounce his name

Danny Mickey D your name Danny D so you're working with Danny Deegan are they Danny or Danny Danny

I've never watched porn so this Daniil Dan's quit porn this week you're not making it anymore it's bad yeah just I'm done

I'm done I just I never felt it and I don't smoke weed do you think they're lads that do porn do you think

they're enjoying it or are they in the same are they genuinely in the same headspace of yours like just work or do you think

they have? What I only realised recently is that not many people are in the same headspace as me. Like a lot of the women do enjoy it and they're in that job because they are sexual people. And for me, it was like, I like doing comedy. I've got, I always started with a little bit of a platform on Snapchat doing little comedy clips and stuff.

And it was like, how can I monetise this? And it's like, oh, I'll do a bit of sexy on the side and obviously that blew up more than the comedies did fuck me um but yeah so it was it's for a lot of people they do it genuinely enjoy it and get a kick out of it it's just it's just for me it was just some some way of making money from what i was already doing yeah i'll tell you what if you do go back into comedy, start doing some standup, you've got a fucking hell of an Edinburgh show to put together. Like that's not,

I don't think anyone else's experience, like in terms of just original standup. You must have some stories, surely like stories about like day-to-day life where it's just insane things have happened. Yeah, I've got loads of stories. I used to get shocked as a kid, mate. I've got loads of stories. I've got get shagged as a kid, mate. I've got loads of stories.

I've got a sound thing for this. That is quite effing brilliant. Yeah, that'll probably get you a nomination right there. I wasn't expecting the end of that sentence there. What's your funniest, like, on-set story? Funniest on-set story. Okay, so this one's actually solo. Oh, no, I could do...

I'll do a solo one first. Right, okay, so i'll set the scene it's christmas 2021 christmas tree in the background white rug on the floor i had a guy around to get me in the mood because i was gonna do um a vibrating wand video for christmas is this in lockdown this was in lockdown risky like it naughty So I had a guy around and we were like, you know, let's get me ready to make this film.

Let's get me a bit hyped up. Anyway, he went down the dirt track and he got a bit too excited and his baby gravy went into my bum hole. So I went to the toilet, thought I cleaned it all out,

got on this... Hang on. The dirt track? Are you talking about your arsehole? Yeah, my arsehole. I thought that was self-explanatory. I thought you meant to say Adam Ozenby. No, it's where the bad kids play in school. I need to get revved up for this scene, get the Kawasaki.

I'm trying to censor it a bit. What? I'm trying to censor it a bit. I'm like, you mean your arsehole? Yeah, I'm just going to have some questions. Rebecca, Rebecca, that ship has sailed. Right down dirt track alley. That ship has sunk. So he went in your arsehole?

Yeah, and he came in my arsehole. And then I went and cleaned myself up, got down on this white rug. Oh, no. And I was doxying myself, so doxies are vibrating wands. We've got one here yeah come on

and a kawasaki love honey is a great alternative to doxy yeah love honey is better actually yeah it's cold

so I was doing that where 20 and then I climaxed and you know stuff came out went away uploaded the video went back downstairs

to clean up this set that i'd made and noticed a brown stain on this white rug oh dear yeah so obviously i'd had as i climaxed a little bit of his baby gravy went um out of my bum hole as i was in the middle of an orgasm but i didn't realize until the video had already been up for 19 minutes oh nice so i just shat myself on a white rug and uploaded it to thousands of people. Was it washable or did we lose the rug? You went straight into it. You went to do white wine, hadn't you?

What? White wine. I thought you said red wine. No, not that. No, it's the old rhyme, isn't it? Shit on a white rug, red wine. And then everyone's like, oh, you spilt your wine.

Someone didn't come in your arse and then you farted it onto a white rug. That the thing with red wine covers all sins you know what i've realized recently you know stuff that goes up your bum hole wants to come out i'll tell you how i know so obviously carl got me a toilet seat for christmas that cleans your bum hole for you you messaged me about it, right? You could do with one. I want one just for pleasure. Yeah, well, yesterday I was hungover.

I used it five times. I'm not one to have a poo. I was just going to have a treat. You called Carl 10% off. What? Yesterday when I was hungover. Is it a sexual thing? No.

It's just a really nice time. It's like a hug. That sounds a bit sexual. It's supposed to clean you, right? Yeah. Yeah. it just washes your arse off after you've had a poo but also if you get if you aim it right you can get the water to go straight up your fucking dirt track i do that in my hot tub mate i'm like yeah trying to get on yes and it's japanese so what you do is you you put you put like you pull your cheek onto one side of the toilet seat and pull the other one onto the other side.

How wide's your toilet seat? And it creates a... How's this the second time I'm hearing this? It's so graphic. And then that sort of opens your arsehole a bit. But what I also like to do is, even if I'm not having a poo, like do what I would do, and that opens it a bit. It's like an aperture, right?

And then the water goes right up and it just feels great. But then about 20 minutes later, I feel like I need a shit. But all I'm doing is getting the water out. That's douching your arsehole though, isn't it? That's douching your arsehole. Sort of, yeah.

Yeah. I've seen a douche in the studio earlier because I was eyeing it up. Have we? Have we got a bum cleaner? Yeah, you've got a douche, yeah. earlier, so I iron it up. Have we? Have we got a bum cleaner? Yeah, you've got a douche, yeah. Oh, he's got one attached to his toilet seat. In one of the bum play sets, there's a douche, yeah.

Oh, it's not Matthew. Oh, there you go. All right, Matthew. This is from Love Funny. This is the bumper booty anal sex toy kit. How was that? Because I have used a douche before. It was the first time I was getting fingered.

I was worried I was going to shit down the girl's arm. By the way, this section may be eight minutes long. I don't know how much of this you'll actually see. The first time you got fingered, you got a douche out. She asked me to. She was like, look, I'll finger you, but you're washing your bumhole first. So, I've told you this story before.

Was this in Amsterdam? No. Yeah, he has. He's douched in the bath when his dad walked in. Well, it's well packaged. So what you do is, you do that and put it in a bowl of water.

It looks like a braddle. And it sucks the water up. And then you put that pipe up your arsehole and you go... And you dispel the water in and then you pull it out. Dispel?

The water stays in there and then you essentially poo the water out and it cleans you. And then when you're getting fingered, you don't shit down the girl's arm do you know what a

brad hall is thanks for that the joiners in the other viewers will know what that is mate it looks like a brad hall you'd be able to

fucking you know get your screws in with that holy shit you never doosed I've had an enema doosed what I've had an enema I've had an enema That's the same thing isn't it?

Have you doucheed or enema? I've had an enema I've got an enema douche for you I was like you're pissing me off clean my arse off That showed him I'm going to take the production reins back Hang on Have you got like an end goal an end goal yeah yeah so um you're doing a housing project aren't

you yeah yeah yeah so i've got three well i'm just putting offering for my third property but um the plan is to have nine properties by the time i'm 35 fingers crossed um and then i'm going to be renting obviously eight of them out at a low cost because all the houses are being bought outright which means I don't have to

pay a mortgage on them so yeah the rents are going to be a lot lower because I used to be homeless so I'm trying to do my bit so you've used OnlyFans to buy your first house

and now you're hoping to buy another eight more so no the one that I live in so what I did was I bought the biggest one first that was part of the rental scheme. So this plan has been going on for like two years. So obviously when you buy a house,

you pay stamp duty on your first property. You don't have to pay stamp duty. So I bought a four bedroom free bathroom house that I knew that I would rent out one day. And then I bought a second one, which is a two bedroom terrace, which is currently being rented out. Just buying my third one.

And then when I've got eight, I'll be be buying my ninth which will be my own big forever home and then i'll retire from doing only fans and obviously just taking the payments from so on the property you're and you're not just renting them out to to like going through an estate agent you're literally getting referrals from the food bank that you used when you were homeless and also temporary housing um so just normal b&b's that like take on families that don't have anywhere at the minute or just in there until they can find something because like obviously with mortgages a lot of people can't get them at the minute anyway and credit um but also with council housing you can be put anywhere you could be nowhere near your family i've been through it all before it's like just horrific

and but i've also got friends and stuff that are also in temporary housing it's just so bad like so full of people that you know kids shouldn't be around so yeah it's a it's only eight houses that i'll be renting out but it's eight more than what the government's doing it's that's such a ridiculously inspirational story you were homeless yeah you're now a millionaire yes and you're just giving people houses for like as low as you possibly can basically yeah yeah so i don't want to but i don't want anyone to be buying the houses for me effectively that's why i'm doing it all with like it's obviously everyone's saying it's a tax you know avoidance scheme but it's not because i

have to take dividends out for the houses to pay cash outright if i did it with a mortgage i could just get tenants to pay my mortgages off for me if you know what i mean oh yeah landlords that's how they pay off their mortgages so i don't want to be the typical landlord so the houses i won't rent them out until they are fully mine which obviously they all will be from the offset and well it just means i can charge whatever i want as little as i want so for a four bedroom free bathroom two it's got two off off road parking spaces and that'll be 650 pound a month i love that i'll give you 700 that's amazing that's amazing you should be proud of yourself that's great yeah that's incredible how long ago were you homeless if you don't want to talk about stuff like this no no no it's fine

so um i left i was homeless at 14 i lived on a park um under a climbing frame for two weeks until my school noticed that obviously I was using the gym showers and there was no money we used to have dinner cards and our school would be topped up with money and there was no money so they put me in touch with a housing association who did manage to house me at 14 so yeah obviously I've been not living at homes for a long time now but then that's when i started getting groomed by my sister's fiancee and so at 16 i was pregnant and then back in the same fucking situation again so it's been crazy but it's all led up to where i am now so i'm pretty grateful for it um not to ask

an insensitive question what's the benefits of being under a climbing frame and not just life because you don't get made into a climb you should have gone slide he is right though there's no cover there there's no cover on a climbing frame

there is you know them ones with the wall and then you step over and there's a ledge there's a climbing wall climbing wall climbing wall there you go there you go hey but you have got the swing Can you step over? As you climb a wall? Climbing wall. Climbing wall.

There you go. There you go. Right, okay. But you have got the swings. You got the swings right there as well. It's a good question. It's a great question. It's definitely what everyone's going to take away from this.

Obviously, you know, the traffic home was one thing and the affordable housing is great. What is the best cover in the playground? But I will sleep under a slide. Is that the best cover in the playground? Well, I'd go under a climbing frame, but I would, you know, I'd tent it up. I'd make a den.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, with your school book? No, with bin bags. Oh, with bin bags. Where are you getting them from? Shop. I'd do a shop if there's some bin bags and like padded the climbing. Where are you getting them from? Shop. I did a shop with some bin bags and padded the climbing frame up

and then you've got a little den, do you know what I mean? I'd have done that anyway and I had a house. It sounds like a fucking great afternoon. Making a den as a kid was one of the best things you could do. I'm not sure she was making a den.

My mum just made my dreams come true. Do you know what? I think you're very ungrateful to the life that you were given that you could live every child's fantasy every day

yeah you lived in a den lived in a den every now and then I'd make a den and about two hours later my dad would be like I'll put this away

he was a mean man yeah wouldn't let me live in the climbing frame and that's why Adam's got an affordable den scheme so the kids don't have to, you know,

sleep on the climbing frames. Lads, here's the bin bags. Patron's flying. Go and make yourself a council bivouac. Get in there. Unbelievable. That was a roller coaster of a section, wasn't it? There's no there's no

following that why a climbing frame I'll remember that forever I'm going to make sure I don't say that I need you to know what I'm picturing

in my head like the bars that are shaped like a rocket ship and that yeah and there's holes in it and there's

different sides yeah no stop it it's warm in here isn't it it is warm in here is this this is going to be the Love Honey advert, innit?

This what? If we're going to an advert, this is going to be the Love Honey advert. This will be the Love Honey advert. Oh, did you not have one of them in the local park we had like... He's not over it! No, but look, one of these gaffs. Yeah, right there. The screen isn't being shared. Should be now. There we go.

Go on, what have you got? One of these gaffes. Oh, it's Amanda Holden. Why didn't you sleep under Amanda Holden? There's nothing on it. Top bunk, you've got a roof. There's nothing on the screen, Carl. Finn!

Finn is carrying you! Finn is carrying this podcast! You just switched the telly off. Stay doing it, you daft is doing it She's renting that out For £6.50 Two parking spaces You don't get that shit In Chesterfield

Holy shit You'd sleep in the slide Wouldn't you Yeah Three floors You'd block the slide The whole of year four Could be in there

No you'd take your socks off So you'd never When you run off the slide You'd take your socks off so you never do you know when you run off the slide you take your socks off that's the new orphanage can we have a break yeah oh my god

oh you're gonna down that holding eye contact have you tried Guinness 100% has he split the G doesn't matter because it's fucking tap water

tap water that's darkness oh I tell you what that love honey advert that was good on it i like the bit when adam is exactly out i can't believe he got his dick out and compared it to the and if it wasn't out then you've watched the wrong internet's weird we've got some questions rebecca carl's got a question for you though um you said you've earned good money I want to know what your vice is like what you like to spend your money on

so other than property which is my I mean like yeah not like I like buying houses 420 blaze it up do you like pot

potsman yeah I started my pot journey recently we're all potters now yeah yeah yeah you're a polar red cliff check that one out guys it is out now go and watch it yeah yeah yeah I did I did some pot We're all potters now. You're a Paula Radcliffe. Check that one out, guys.

It is out now. Go and watch it. Yeah, I did some pot and I've got to tell you. Is that it? He's so stoned he's now drinking water as Guinness. That's how much

of a pottsman he is. So you like a bit of pot? Yeah, a lot. A lot of pot? Yeah. How often do you pot I pot every day smoke pot every day like how many times

do they I don't drive I'm probably about what did I ask can I have a lift off don't drive how potted are you for legal reasons I do not drive What did I ask? Can I have a lift-off? Don't drive.

How potted are you, Madden? For legal reasons, I do not drive, but I do smoke about maybe five or six joints a day. And how much pot's in it? Like in kilograms? It's like a sprinkle of tobacco and then pot. And pot's per drink. Yeah, the sprinkles just take away the... Yeah.

So drugs, anything else? Yeah. Do you like shoes? I a nice pair of shoes yeah do you do any other drugs other than pot no no i'm not hardcore would you try heroin no it's one of those things i've tried most things once but not that i did try cocaine once yeah and it like numbed the back of my throat and that was it let's put up your nose i just yeah you're gonna drip back all right yeah um so but i did give a really really good blow job that night that was completely numb that's why i like coke yeah because i get great blow jobs would you try heroin what i can't believe you asked someone that slept under a climbing frame.

Would you try heroin? She owns five houses. Why is that a weird question? She does pot. Yeah. It's a gateway. I love it. One step to crack

and another one to smack. It's a short walk to heroin. So, drugs, shoes, anything else? What else makes you happy? Is that it? Holidays, going away. Yeah, I'm away a lot, yeah. Where's the best place you've been?

Probably, it's a bit shit, but probably Crete, actually. Oh, Crete's in Greece. Zante, Zante. Turtles in Zante are banging. I love turtles. I think the grave. You're shagging turtles in Zante? banging. I love turtles. I think they're great. You're shagging turtles and Zante? Wait.

Not that kind of banging. Turtles are like, what the fuck is that fox looking at? Shall we do some questions? I've got an absolute quality would you rather from Will Standen. Would you rather? Willie?

Would you rather's are all-encompassing, Rebecca? You can't be like, I want to do neither. It's one or the other. Yeah, I'm good at this game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you rather marry your first sexual partner? So whoever...

I am not marrying my dad, no chance. He doesn't know his boss. Or work in your first job forever. So I got asked this on a podcast I did last week oh the fucking hacks what did I hear what I just heard

yeah yeah yeah I think we all just went yeah it's grim it's a rough one I didn't hear it do you know what the weird thing is my first sexual partner was your dad as well

why did your dad shag you I don't why my dad's actually my uncle you know oh god Chesterfield God, Chesterfield. Shout out Chesterfield.

So the question was, would you rather shag your first, and she went, I'm not marrying my dad. Right, okay. Right, so, no, I'd rather stay in the first job. Because, yeah,

I don't like marrying family members. It's illegal. But I'd stay in my first job, which was working in a call centre, robbing people blind. But i didn't know i was doing that until after they shut down old people oh no i should have known because like on the questionnaire i had to say do you receive any disability living allowance or attendance allowance

and also what's your mother's maiden name i should have put two and two together but i didn't because i was only 14 so you're 14 that's that another red flag. That was a red flag as well. And the fact that we got paid £100 a week. Your dad's your uncle? Yeah, so my dad's married to my mum's sister. So it's not actual, like, blood incest, but it's still a bit fucking dodgy. Right, no, I see what you mean.

Yeah, that's okay. Yeah. That's not what I thought it was. You know what I mean? That was a bit disappointing, wasn't it? Your dad's married to your mum's sister. Damn, he's not banging his sister. And I'm still bit disappointing wasn't it your dad's managed mum's sister that's a bit like oh that's

and I'm still horrified that you worked in a call centre at 14 that sounds fucking grim as well did you know Genghis Khan is your uncle as well what

yeah Genghis Khan is related to everyone yeah and he's from Chesterfield okay yeah I got asked this on a podcast today

last week and it was would you rather marry the first person you were in a relationship with which is similar or do the same job forever

and I had a pretty grim answer to it which was I said I'd have the job because either way I'm working with mangled meat so I might as well get paid for it I also had the worst thing said

on the episode he was a butcher I worked in McDonald's oh did you yeah mangled meat they mangle the meat and you know

bad pussy yeah yeah thanks for the thanks for this one's getting age restricted were you the meat mangler at McDonald's

what kind of special needs that was his nickname oh crap at McDonald's you have to be like, he only does one job. He's not allowed to serve the customer. Hello, I'm Adam. I bought you meat.

No, I didn't say I was mangling meat. I said I was working with mangled meat. Oh, you did? You need to listen. Oh, I will. I'll try to. I was the James Milner of Mackey's. I worked fucking everywhere, mate.

I'd sometimes take the road on the drive-thru window, go and make the burger, and then give them it on window three. And you were boring. Would you... I can't remember what my first... Did you work with the three-window system? There was a third window, the middle one,

but it was never used. Oh, was that gone by the time you were there? Yeah, no one's ever known what that was there for. It was for your bag, your straw, and your salt, wasn't it? What a waste of fucking time. On a very busy day, surely that's what they designed it for. It was for your bag, your straw and your salt, wasn't it? What a waste of fucking time. On a very busy day, surely that's what they designed it for. East Lancashire's got a third window. You don't use it, though, do you?

No, we don't. Occasionally, do you? Really? If there's too many cars, you go, oh, go to window three. Then you have to wait there for 20 minutes for a big one. Just a piss-take window. But it used to be you get your condiments in the window. First sexual partner was a girl called Steph

I don't know I was 14 and she wasn't how old was she? well I can't compare fucking I'm gonna lose this game aren't I?

go upwards at least she was the local MP yeah I went I was like I need to speak to my ombudsman

and she went suck my tit she was aggressive how old was she then where's she gonna tit from then she was like 17 16, 17

you got nonced I got statutory nonced I was pretty keen yeah yeah yeah yeah but genuinely isn't this mad when you were 14

you got nonced like that's the way. It is the way. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Nonce crew. Join the crew. Yeah, so everyone that's called me a nonce. Like, you were sexually abused as a child.

Oh, I quite enjoyed it. I asked. No, no, but it doesn't matter. Oh, really? It doesn't matter. It's a grey area. Yeah, it's not a nice way of describing it yeah

so it was it was fine you got nonced it's mad that do you know most people that get nonced actually really enjoy it speaking from experience

but they feel like you know if they don't get nonced on they're like they don't love me anymore so they're like as a six year old why aren't you fucking me

why aren't this 48 year old man fucking me so yeah you got nonced-year-old man fucking me? So yeah, you got nonced and you liking it is just part of being nonced. Yeah. The thing is, Rebecca, I think my story might be a little bit different than yours

because I sort of just had sex with someone that was in my drama group with me. Yeah. And we had... You're getting chagged on the roundabout. We had a few too many hooch. You weren't related? No.

That's a bit weird, don't you? Oh, no, hang on. Just a randomer. Oh, no, no, sorry. It's my auntie, Steph. Steph Khan. I thought you'd gone with a stranger. No, I'm first.

I'm sticking with first job. So I'll go paper boy because I've been abused. Your first job was paper boy? Yeah, I was a paper boy. Like in the books? Well, my first job was paperboy. Yeah, I was a paperboy. Like in the books. Well, my first job was paperboy. So fuck off! P-A-Y-E.

No! Yeah, he was P-A-Y-E. He's still living off the pension from his paper round. You absolute fucking menace. Do you mind, Carl? Could you be nice to me? Because I've been abused. Genuine thing.

Like, you liked it, but your options are be a paperboy forever or marry a paedophile. That's your option. Looks like I'm getting my bike out. And that's not what I call stuff. So, yeah. Manfielders.

That was a good question. You were six. Oh, God. You should. Yeah, a lot of, yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah But like You know that's

Rarely mental don't you Yeah Yeah of course I do now I do that It's the way you're saying it It's like yeah yeah Six yeah

Yeah because It's not one of those things Where like I'll sit and Rock about it like Even with like My sister's Fiance who I had a baby with

As a child it's like something that i consented to and yeah you know i was like even then i was 13 upwards i knew it probably wasn't right and i know now that it wasn't right but it wasn't a case of do you know what i mean like i wasn't being i was like and also you you're obviously by the sounds of it having a pretty rough teenage period of your life, so he's a predator that's gone, oh, I can provide her with some security. Yeah, I found comfort in it.

So I don't see myself as like a victim. I did obviously, I wanted it and I pursued it and it happened and it's just the way it is. I don't see myself as a victim. And I never have until about four minutes ago when you said I was. Yeah, but now you can use it. I will be.

I was abused as a child. Yeah. 25 million? When I was 12, there was a 17-year-old girl who was dying to fuck me. In McDonald's? Until I was 16.

Go back. Give me the numbers again. What's the number? How old were you? What? How old were you? 12. When you were 12?

She was 17. She was 17? So I made it until I was 16. Yeah? So she was 21. That's nice. Seriously? Just maths, Dan.

Yeah. That's good you're married she waited for me she waited for you I was her first waiting for 12 years she waited at window 3

that's what window 3 was for longer takes Adam just fucking piping his dick out fucking hell love I just wanted salt well I've got salt for you love come

that's amazing what is this episode Well, I've got salt for you, love. Come. That's amazing. What is this episode? This is the roughest episode ever. With some genuinely harrowing sad parts. You both look traumatised. I just don't know. The problem is that you don't. Because you're talking about abuse quite openly,

which is honestly probably the healthiest thing. We talked earlier about therapy and whatnot. I don't think it does anyone any good to bottle this shit up, does it? But this is a podcast, so it's another level of openness, isn't it? Yeah, this is my therapy because the only problem I have with therapy

is obviously now that I've got money, everything that everyone does, I have to pay people to do. And I'm really, really reluctant to be like, can I pay you to just listen to me? Do you know what I mean? It's like, do they really care? No. Do you know what I mean? I know you guys don't care.

Professionally, they do. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah. They know what they're talking about. Professionally, I enjoy sex. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sort of thing

but here you can just let it all out and you can't even section me we can't no we can't I never got sexually abused but I had a fight with my dad

when I was nine and the cunts still scare me now did you did you go do you know what I'm missing out here I'm missing out here I haven't got an abuse story And the cunts still scare me now. Did you... Did you go, do you know what? I'm missing out here. I'm missing out here. I haven't got an abuse story.

My dad fought me when I was nine. With no pants. With no pants, right? My dad come in and I was like, where have you been? What time did you call this? What time was it? Half six.

Pizza work. Where's my dinner come here you I'll tell you this Rebecca I do the prep on this podcast and I sort of direct these

second sections I've got and I don't know where to go so you come in right where have you been work

I was like you're late and he was like who are you talking to and I was like, you're late. And he was like, who are you talking to? And I went, get over here, you. I fucking burst you. And he came over. And he went, I'll talk to your dad like that.

So I knocked the cunt out. Spark out. One punch. One punch knockout. Didn't even have to wait. Next day, he woke up, made me breakfast and said he's sorry. Half six in the afternoon and he woke up

12 hours later to my kitchen and he went, I've opened his breakfast. Straight from Weetabix with a concussion. 12 hours. He's not dead,

he's knocked out. Let's go to bed. Next day he woke up and he was like, do you want bacon and egg? And I was like, out. Let's go to bed. God, you're a sick... Next day he woke up and he was like, do you want bacon and egg? And I was like, yeah, but poach them. I'm going to be fucking frying them. Like that. Yeah, yeah.

I started charging him protection. From you? Yeah. 20 quid a little punch in there. 50 qu50 a week to stop me fucking you know getting the guns back out next question

you know that's why they're called arms guns that's why they're called guns because they're arms yeah oh that's clever that is now they're called guns because they're arms yeah yeah oh yeah

that's clever that is it is I don't think Dan is quite as direct as you are Mike says here's one for you

it's also why a lot of stupid people in America wear vests because they've got the right to bare arms Freddie is it hard knowing that you'll never catch this

just in terms of gag quality yeah yeah yeah Dead Man Talking's doing well oh yeah speaking of gag um

what I can gag what there you go what gag reflex gag quality what have you been signed um

you've got a good gag reflex you've got none no no no no reflex. Gag quality. What, have you been signed? You've got a good gag reflex. You've got none, surely? No, no, no, no. This is, you don't have to have a good gag. What's wrong with gagging? What is wrong with gagging?

If a girl is like, mascara down, like, that's going to make you feel good, surely. That's well better. If she just swallows me dick, it makes me feel emasculated. Makes me feel like,

I haven't got a big cock and also I'm just like there's no noise to it it's like I've got porn on mute no turning up a notch love so I do have a gag reflex

but I'm alright I'll do it are you into the my wife doesn't have a gag reflex I don't think are you into the it looks like

it looks evil it looks great no I don't mind the noises and that but if they're all like you know they're all like

mascara we're sorry that your cock is that far down our throats that we didn't have air so a little bit and you are forgiven you don't have to apologise

put one of your bags do you know what's interesting when you talk about all sexual activity you're like nah it's not for me as soon as you start talking about sucking dick

you get excited yeah I like sucking dick no but also like I say behind cameras when there's not for me as soon as you start talking about sucking dick you get excited yeah I like sucking dick no but also like I say behind cameras when there's not cameras and if it's someone I like which is very very very rare

that I find that person so that's why it doesn't happen then yeah I'll be a hoe but if there's a camera there obviously it's a it's a body insecurity thing again but if I'm comfortable with someone I'll be

all on their dick yeah I'd lick the bum hole too but I'm tongue tied so I struggle a bit isn't that a good thing though little bit of a is that your

is that the longest you can get your tongue out yeah right yeah it's going to take me a while to recover from this episode

I feel it's got a combination of horrified and aroused I need to start watching porn again it's my back at goodwin.co.uk

Sign up. Nice plug. What's your website? Put in. What's that? There's something flying around. What's my website? Yeah.

RebeccaGoodwin.co.uk And what's, is that like your link tree, like links to all your places? No, that's just my OnlyFans, but then my links are on my OnlyFans as well. That's out of the middle, man. Clever. She's thought this through. Let's cut out the middle, man.

Clever. Just off this through. He's on the line then. Mike says, here's one for you. Every now and then, probably once a month, I will go to a Thai or Chinese establishment to get a full body massage. They often proposition an additional service towards the end, which I get.

I see no issue with it. Am I wrong? Am I in the wrong? Has any of you guys had a similar experience? Dan, I feel like you need to give it a go which I get. I see no issue with it. Am I wrong? Am I in the wrong? Has any of you guys had a similar experience? Dan, I feel like you need to give it a go if you haven't already. Great pod from Mike. Does it mean he sees no issue with it legally

or is he in a relationship? Is that what he means? He's in a relationship, he doesn't see it as cheating? I think he sounds like he's in a relationship because it's cheating. I'm telling you right now, if anyone, regardless of what their job is, wanks me off,

my missus is not going to be happy about it. Yeah. And a lot of the jobs are going to be confusing, aren't they? If you're like, I went in for KFC and she wanked me off. That's the secret recipe.

Do you reckon Sarah could be all right with it? You're getting, if a random tie wouldn't wank me off. She'd probably have a problem with it, yeah. Just a prerogative, innit? Why would you tell him? That's a really good point, Dan. That's like saying, why would you tell him that's a really good point that's like saying why would you tell me if you cheated i think why is a man saying that like you most people don't tell people no no but that's not how it works is it i'm saying they're gonna be pissed

off if you've like just because you don't yeah i think i wouldn't be able to say that i've been at work all day getting my fucking back doors done in. You've had a wank by a time there, do you? Sorry, can I just check? By back doors, do you mean your bum hole? Yeah. I'm just checking. I need the dirt track, innit?

Dirt track. Yeah, yeah. Back door dirt track. Great film. It depends if you, like, a lot of people don't, like, you won't be able to live with yourself, that's what I mean, so you'd tell them, wouldn't you? I think a lot of blokes could live with themselves.

I think that's the thing, innit? Yeah, obviously a lot do. I think what Mike's I mean, so you'd tell them, wouldn't you? I think a lot of blokes could live with themselves. I think that's the thing. Obviously a lot do. I think what Mike's saying is, do you know what? It's a place, it's a service they do, I don't see a problem with it.

So is a brothel though? Well, it is kind of, isn't it? If I was in a relationship and he came back and said he went for a massage and someone wanked him off,

I would not give a fucking shit. Would you not? No, I really would not care. You wouldn't care? No, no. What? No, it's the same care. You wouldn't care? No. No. What?

No, it's the same if I was with a guy and he went out and he got drunk and he had sex with someone and came back, I would not give a shit. Like, I would not care. And I don't feel like you've met the person who'd make you feel like you wouldn't care yet. You say you haven't got any belief. We're not monogamous. It's that simple.

But I'm saying, if you got into monogamy... How naive of me would I be if I was to think that a guy was to meet me, fall in love with me, and never, ever, ever find someone sexually attractive ever again? If a guy said that to me, I'd think you are bullshitting, you are a liar,

because you do find people attractive. No, you can't, but you don't have to shag them. If you've got a monogamous relationship, say you found someone and loved them, and you'd finished OnlyFans, you got your house... If I loved a person,

then I'd want them to be happy, wouldn't I? And if that meant getting a blowjob behind Lidl by someone called fucking Natasha, then go for it, man. I get the feeling that there is a woman in Chesterfield called Natasha. It works at Lidl.

That's my stage name. That was a sneaky little promo. She's not P-A-Y-E. You're in a very unique situation because you met your missus when you were like fucking nine or something

yeah but I'm oh my god oh my god you've been abused but I'm saying you haven't been in that position yet where you

felt them feelings that you don't want that person no I have I have because when I was younger I would be the same as like

any other person like oh my god my heart is broken but now I'd feel more betrayed if a guy was to look at me and say you are the only woman that I will ever want.

I will never look at another woman again because it's straight up bullshit. Even if he didn't act on it? Even if he went, yeah, you know, I'll find out if he wants. But the acting, as long as he came back to me and life carried on as normal, if he'd shagged someone when he was horny after a drink, I honestly wouldn't give a fuck.

I mean, there are people that have these deals, aren't there, as couples. There's not the minority. You have to be pretty self-assured and pretty open sexually to be like, do you know what? You do you, I'll do me. Most people do the traditional monogamous, you're mine, don't do this, I'll do that.

Yeah, I just find that unnatural. Okay. I did used to think differently. So I do know. My wife finds it very natural. Um, uh, I think this is, I think this is a yellow card.

I'm not saying it's absolutely disgraceful and you should be ashamed of yourself. He's getting wanked off by Asian women behind his wife's back, can you? Oh, he's paying. So?

That's worse if anything. I'm just saying, I think any of the, it's a service. I don't see anything wrong with it. It is wrong, isn't it? Hang on, so if you're telling me, if your wife, I'm saying it's wrong.

I'm on your side. I'm just, I'm not, I'm not like, I'm not like, I'm not turning on Mike going, it's disgusting, you're a disgrace. But I think you need to have a look at the morals of this situation. It's not different. What?

If Laura went for a massage and come back and was like, yeah, he fingered me at the end, would you feel like it's different than it's cheating on you with someone else? This is an internal massage. I don't get the difference between massage and your back and your genitals. What difference is there? Yeah. Yeah, it's either one difference.

Rebecca, I see what your point is, but I think a lot of people, including my wife, disagree. You know what I mean? There's certain zones for the massage. I went for a massage last week. She did my ears. I'm booked in twice next week. I think it's the closest I'm going to get to being fingered by anyone.

What if you've got a foot fetish and you go and you get your feet massaged? Is that the same principle? Is that cheating as well? No, no, because there's no cum involved, is there? What if there is? What if it's such a... Sometimes there might be. Yeah, there might be.

Well, then I would imagine most women would be like, you're not getting your feet done this week. But you said, and this is quote, it's not cheating if your partner won't do it. No, that's a stand-up bit that I am trying to get to work. It's not an actual opinion I've got. Yeah, don't take his stage stuff as verbatim. Yeah, this is when me and Adam talk, though.

We only ever really talk on air, and me watching him do his stand-up. Do-do. So would you be into polyamory, like a multi-relationship? See, I wouldn't be bothered about having multiple sexual partners myself because...

I don't mean sexual partners. I mean, like, partners. Like a... No, like I said, I don't mind the... If I was in a relationship and he went out, got drunk, had sex because he was horny,

that would be fine with me. That's not polyamory, though, is it? No, but for them to go out and have another relationship, then I'd be a bit like, okay. Oh, so that... Yeah, but not just... I don't see sex as about love.

So you separate the two? It's like a game okay yeah yeah that's interesting it's just like he's using her as a human fleshlight that's how i see it's quite hot actually interesting interesting we are very different people car living a different experience you don't want your missus to be used as a human fleshlight by someone else no in the Spanish

quarter of Highton we named the podcast have a word let's do one shall we have a word you can't hear this but it's pretty stylish

sort of problems you have with your friends this is supposed to be erm oh our friend Lee's got a conundrum

he's in a sitch erm he says wag wag lids my best mate has always fancied my missus I've been with my missus

for 11 years and I've known my mate for 9 years he told another mate that if we ever split up he'd be quite happily he'd quite happily jump in there

and get with my missus that was several years ago i found out and i confronted him about it at the time and he apologized and a few years went by and we are mates again we've been going to airsoft a lot and it's well we've been going to airsoft a lot it's already made me not like you lee we're going to airsoft a lot and it's uh nice What's Airsoft? Is it the... Indoor paintball. What was the slosser last week? Oh, not like Nerf guns. Yeah. Essentially, yeah.

Oh, okay. It doesn't sound as bad. We've been going to Airsoft a lot and it's nice to have a friend to do things with outside of work. I haven't got many friends. All I do is fucking work. However, recently,

he's come round for dinner and my missus mentioned that I was supposed to put up a shelf about six months ago and the prick asked where my drill was supposed to put up a shelf about six months ago. And the prick asked where my drill is and then put the shelf up and then paid for a takeaway. The following week, we were watching TV, waiting for dinner in the oven. He asked if there was anything he can do to help, like taking out the rubbish, etc.

Am I being paranoid or is my so-called mate trying to show my missus what she is missing out on? Do you need to have a word with me or he's smooth this gun you know he's married your missus in front of you he's made you look a cunt he hasn't he's done all his fucking work for him yeah but he lad you're naive if i come around putting shelves up in yours i would call the police Adam is feeling on some kind of fucking mind altered existence I would call

men in black he's been taken over by an alien Adam coming around going lad I'll take the rubbish out for you get Will Smith

in here right now erm this is a weird one because on first read you're like oh it's a bit innocuous this

but if you had a mate round and your missus went come on Dan you were meant to put that This is a weird one because on first read you're like, oh, it's a bit innocuous this. But if you had a mate round and your missus went, come on, Dan, you were meant to put that shelf up and he went, don't worry about it, Laura. Where's the drill? You're like,

that's really emasculating, isn't it? Be more secure about yourself. Know that she only wants you and he's doing your fucking DIY for you. Fuck him, get him around to do something else.

The telly's broke. And pay for the takeaway. Yeah, exactly. He's out of pocket. If you're secure with your relationship, fuck him. He isn something else. The telly's broke. And pay for the takeaway. Yeah, exactly. He's out of pocket. If you're secure with your relationship, fuck him. He isn't though, is he? He's writing in to us.

No, he isn't, but if you are, bring it on. But he needs to. He's not used her as a human fleshlight. You don't know. That's his dream now. That's what he wants. He's trying to sneak in.

If you knew one of your best mates lost it after Laura, would you allow him in the house? You know how much I fancy Laura. Do you want me to put shelves on your house? I mean, he's sound with Serica. We're still mates, aren't we? He knows.

He knows. I'll put her shelves up any day. Do you want to put shelves up my house? No, you can't have a best mate who actually fancies, like, you feel like you're being a dick here. Serica's beautiful. She's absolutely beautiful. But but she's your bird she's your missus you don't fancy serica but no but that's the thing

it shouldn't be on the it shouldn't be on the menu it shouldn't be even as like a computation she'll be like yeah she's beautiful don't fucking but you're allowed to think she's attractive but no secretly just keep it quiet I just don't think you can be best I mean he's like saying best mates what about the dreams

you haven't said it you don't I think that like I know you haven't told them about them yeah but

do you not think that means there's a lost there that's a stand up bit I'm working on it's not an actual opinion rat

I don't know what a great bit that'd be alright everyone I had a dream about Carl's missus few laughs of

recognition there who's drinking you know the ones with the chocolate and the champagne and the lacto-intolerant with the races

I feel like if you're insecure in your relationship then it'll affect you but if you're secure then he's just doing your fucking DIY you can't have a mate

right Rebecca be the judge on this why is he not putting the fucking shelves up anyway that's what you've seen lazy cunt no but if someone

come and put shelves up next you would have already taken the bins out before he had a chance to come round is that all women want by the way shelves and bins that's it put the shelves up shelves up next you would have already taken the bins out before we had a chance to come round and offer to take the bins out shelves and bins that's it put the

shelves up when you've got a traffic cone and a vibrator there's not much else that men can do do you know what I mean and where are you going to store them if you haven't got your shelves up in my box I don't think Rebecca's the best person to judge here she's very like just do what you want anyone can pay for anyone's takeaway I feel like you've both I don't think Rebecca's the best person to judge here She's very like Just do what you want Anyone can pay for anyone's takeaway

I feel like you both I don't know If it's your best mates I suppose Lee You know You've written in You've know You know

But what will his girlfriend say? She'll tell him to grow up Put your fucking Put the shelves up Isn't Colin coming round this week? No Because he fancies you I'll grow up

That'll be the conversation It'll be now I won't grow up Fucking shut up Isn't Colin coming round this week? No, because he fancies you. I'll grow up. That'll be the conversation. It'll be now. I won't grow up. Fucking shut up. He's not coming round anymore. I'm taking that shelf down. I'm bringing the bins back in. I would.

I'd take the shelf down, you know. I know you would. I'd take the shelf down and then I'd pay a handyman to come and put it back up. Adam would take a real gun to airsoft yeah Colin meet you down there tonight

8pm you fucking shelf putting up cunt yeah shoot some rice in the head and then pull the alec bald on the fence I didn't know it was in there

I didn't know it was loaded my actual gun didn't they just task like oh the roof's broke this week oh yeah oh stay give that man a mic

do us a favour fix this fucking IED hang on can you polish my shotgun there please while I hold it

oh Colin's nice he's dead yeah yeah oh just get over it and make a list come round on Tuesday

you get the Chinese in oh the pipes weren't lagging the laminate in the back Oh, just get over it. Make a list. Come round on Tuesday. You get the Chinese in. Oh, the pipes weren't lagging. The laminate in the back. Carl couldn't do the list because he's so bad around the house. Pipes weren't lagging. I'm already out. Laminate needs laminating.

And the windows need opening or closing. And the house needs housing. Send them out to get you some sinks. Yeah. And if you can lift them. I remember we already had some. Yeah. Get him to do stuff he doesn't want to do.

See how much he likes your beard. Put him off. See how she stinks. Get him round to watch his shadow box. Terrible thing to do to a shadow. He's asked you to be quiet. Get him around to whisper.

And I call it your fucking shit. And then when he's done it, we're like, oh, we're doing that again. Start on OnlyFans with him Lee like a weird three way DIY one watch me watch me get annoyed while my wife masturbates to Colin doing jobs around the house

oh the grouting right well that's the end of that I mean that is the end of that Rebecca sorry about that last one. I feel like you just couldn't get in on that one. But you're, like, so liberal about this shit, it doesn't matter. Yeah.

Who's asked? You're arguing about things that don't need arguing about. Yeah. We've spent three years doing that. It seems to be doing well for you. That could be the name of the podcast. It's either that or a traffic cone's going up his arse.

So I think we'll keep him the fucking nuts and bolts that's another thing you could do it's been a pleasure rebeccagoodwin.co.uk

and that's your only fans and then all your links yeah cool yeah have you got any

specials coming out soon oh yeah Star Wars episode three is coming out soon is that the one with Darth Mauling

what oh Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars 3 yeah Rebecca do you want do you want any

name suggestions for future porn films I've got one oh go on you go first Star Wars 3 yeah

that's it Star Wars 3 do you have that one Star Wars so you've got Star Wars you've done Lord of My Wars 3 do you have that one Star Horse so you've got Star Horse you've done Lord of My Ring Lord of My Ring I've done yeah

is there any more you've done there was one coming up next month called The Mummy okay instead of The Mummy yeah I was like

milfy stuff I got a DM on Instagram this morning from a girl who just said daddy I haven't replied dirty you should probably do that well congratulations you're a father long lost child what a way to find this morning from a girl that just said daddy. Oh. I haven't replied. Dirty. It'd be naughty.

You should probably do that. Well, congratulations. You're a father. You're a child. What a way to find out you're a dad. It's the second time that's happened as well.

Maybe I just give off dad vibes. Anyway, porn titles. Let's think of some more. Can you think of any more? I tried to do Schindler's Fest, but they said no. You've ended the game,

haven't you? The game's over now how do we be chillers what about a few good men don't have to change it just a few good men yeah but if you type that in you're going to end up

watching Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise arguing in the courtroom aren't you this is a tricky wank this I'm trying to order a code red

the boy in the striped game suit. I prefer Schindler's Fist. The boy? Or the man? No! Yeah, because that's the problem with it. The 100 greatest films of all time. Citizen Kane, my arsehole.

Oh. Citizen Kane. Casabanga. Yeah, Casabanga Kane Casabanga Yeah Casabanga Casabanga Lawrence of Alabia Yeah that's the only one isn't it That's gotta be Pulp Fist them

You're changing these I'm changing these in real time I'm a talented man Singing in the rain of jizz no fingering in the rain fingering in the rain yeah nice

taxi driver fake taxi driver no been done raging bullhead I mean they bite themselves sometimes fox and a hound oh yes fox and the pound twelve angry men

the wizard of cocks we need to stay away from children's films as much as we can yeah come on Toy Story that

that's one in itself isn't it Reservoir Cox. Ground Cock Day. Anything else? Any of these? He's not even letting us play. He's like, I'll do these,

don't worry. I'm doing them for you. Well, you can get them up on there if you want, but... They can't. They'll be looking at fucking Amanda Bolden. 12 years of slag.

12 years of slag would be quality. The Han Shank Redemption. Shall we call it a pod? No, I'm so far away from you. The short one. What's your favourite film? What's your favourite film?

Not porn. Bone with the Wind. There's no such film as Bone with the wind. There's no such film as Bone with the Wind. I'd probably have to say Lord of the Cox Nest. Lord of the Cox Nest is a good film. How can we pornify that? Lord of the Cox Nest is a shit.

I'm not shitting in that. Forrest Cump. Forrest Hump. Silence of the Mans put like masking tape on them some like a cock should we just leave

Adam to it he's happy isn't he Titanic tits tit-anic I think we're done let's no we're not he's not done

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arse. You getting any inspiration? A cock with a conange. Nice. The Raiders of the Lost Arse. Who do you dress up like?

Harrison Ford. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance car Nope Bitch Cassidy Brave ass I've got a song Brave ass I've got a song I feel like I might be doing him a disservice

while you're putting him on this episode Let me just this is your mate who's going to do the music we play a song at the end of the pod the French come action ok French erection no so this is from a band called Fauna

a good friend called Adam sent it in this is called It's The Way very easy listening, very nice. I mean, we put songs on there we probably don't like, but I actually like this song. Oh, we like all the songs.

We've got a playlist. But this is actually a genuine banger. Go and give them a listen. Fauna, F-A-U-N-A, and this is It's The Way. That'll be on the audio only because we get banged on YouTube. Thanks for watching watching the Amsterdam special

that we mentioned before is on our Patreon right now if you're a pube and you haven't signed up to the Patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod for all our legendary specials

this Amsterdam one is going to go up there with one of the very best and also sign up to Rebecca Goodwin's only fans rebecca goodwin.co.uk that's the one you know he's still going on the film he is have you got one of them to finish us on i was looking for one yeah but it just shinless fist there's fucking headline this bit i love you lids appreciate you and uh if you're a patron and you've seen this

over the weekend and you haven't voted for us in the National Comedy Awards one last push let's get me in leather on channel four

votehaveaword.com see you Rebecca thank you It's the way I used to say I could be anything The way where what I want is what I'll get I still believe it, still believe it, I still believe in you And this ain't gonna get my my way I'll do it anyway Cause I'll always feel like I have a day to leave me And it's all the same to me

Cause if it's not my problem I'll go Cause after my heart, when my mind's set I know I'll be there, I know I'll get there One fine day, I'm gonna get my way I hope it's worth it, hope I'm happy I hope I find out what I can be Thanks to you, you're gonna see me through And I'll always feel like I take it or leave it And it's all the same to me

Cause it's not my problem. I'll go. I'm just a man Always dreaming while we're living Thinking the good times, what are happening Cause one pleasant's enough to start a riot I'm just after a good time, gonna ride it I'll always feel like I'm taking or leaving Is this all the same to me? Yeah, it's not my problem, I'll go I'm from the mountains. you you