Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #212 with Josh Jones - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJosh Joneshttps://twitter.com/JoshuassJoneshttps://instagram.com/joshyjones92ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? We've got some big news. You might have seen it already. It's been on sale for about a week now. But the first ever Have A Word live tour, live podcast shows, not just stand-up, we're doing live versions of the podcast, is coming to Glasgow, Newcastle, Birmingham and Dublin. Where can you get tickets Dan? I don't know. Haveawordlive.com. You get them from haveawoodlive.com. There's also a handy link on there that links to your website. Oh, and I'm on tour, so that'd be nice. And I go on tour as well, but my tour is not getting announced until next month. Come and see the lids.

Yeah, Havawoodlive.com. Come and see us. Every different city is going to have different guests, different shows. First time we've done live shows outside of Liverpool, apart from one we did in London. We're very, very excited. Anything else we need to talk about?

We've also got a fucking Patreon. Oh, it's Peter the Havrewood Snake. Hello. So when you say Patreon, Peter, what is a Patreon? A Patreon is basically a subscription scheme, theme, where we give you extra content every week and you give us just £3 a month. So for just £3 a month, people could sign up

and they would get, what, an extra episode a week, early access to public episodes, and on top of that, they'd get a monthly special. The most recent one was the Amsterdam special, you mean? Oh, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking potted off our twats. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show, we've got the restaurant special, the footy special,

both ghost hunts, but the lock-ins are legendary with Ishan, Jamie, Johnny Bongo. But this Amsterdam special will go down as one of our best. If you sign up now just for £3 a month, you can sign up for £5 or £10 as well. You get added benefits. But you get all the content just starting at £3 a month. And that doesn't include the forthcoming episodes.

You get the entire back catalogue, every special we've ever done, and also all the back catalogue of the weekly. You get an extra episode every single week. So go to patreon.com slash have a word pod right now. If you don't do it, I'll bite a child. You've got to do it. And that's how we've got to be the biggest patron in the UK.

Biggest in the UK, mate. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl, and Finn. Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com. The very best in below the belt men's grooming.

Go Ed, get on with it. And here we are in the Have A Word studio with soon to be-be-deceased Adam Rowe. Yeah. Oh, and I'm soon to jizz. Oh, Mike, is that your real laugh? Oh, damn. Adam has aged 48 years in the night. I don't know what you're on about. Oh, fucking hell.

Sound like a game, Robert. Some form of throat disease. I woke up with a sore throat. I did sleep with my mouth open and the window open. I don't think that's helped things. Nearly cancelled the pod stay. What? No, it's right.

What? If you sleep with your mouth open, especially with the window open. And an eagle comes and shits in it. What? No, that'd smooth your throat, if anything. Well, yeah. Sorry, I just don't know.

That shit's white, isn't it? It'd cover your throat. What I need right now is a bit of eagle shit down my neck, to be honest with you. Got any? Yeah, if you sleep with your mouth open, and, like, all the air con,

and all your foot. Yeah, I'm always doing that, sleeping with my... You don't decide to. Middle of winter, window open, mouth open, like a fucking lunatic

like who does that no I'm not I wasn't sleeping like that was I I'm scared of eagles I wasn't sleeping like that was I I'm sleeping like this

yeah you do sleep pretty scary yeah yeah window was open eyes open it was a warm night eyes open

mouth open a romantic valentine's meal soul open and the flat wouldn't cool down oh this is the voice you've done so much last night you've gone super sexy in the morning i made a roast essentially that roasted the whole flat

roasted my voice boss I've never made cabbage like that before with eagle shit oh yeah I think they were the best roasties I've done in about three years since the great roasties of 2020 have you

that was what everyone will remember that year for innit that's what that'll go down in history for 2020 when we all had to stay in

for two and a half months because Adam was making roasties everyone else was fucking about with banana bread I took my roasty game to the fucking next level do you know what I said

then I wonder when the first day will be we don't mention COVID I remember me and you going it'll be a decade away it's already kind of

just gone hasn't it yeah I think this might be COVID I just mentioned it no no but you didn't mention it yesterday yeah you know what I mean

oh the first day the first day where you just life is normal not the first day of it never being mentioned again right okay I just mean the fact because every first day of it never being mentioned again right okay I just mean the fact because every day

it was it couldn't not yeah yeah yeah but what added to that was people didn't want to talk about it anymore yeah like people were dying

to not hear about it you shouldn't have talked that long of a pause after dying with what we're talking about people were dying to not talk about it

um yeah do you know anyone who died of covid yeah I do yeah talking about it. People were dying to not talk about it. Do you know anyone who died of COVID? Yeah. Not personally, but... That's what I mean. It got put on the death certificate. Yeah, but hang on, hang on.

It's like people I know and their dads, that doesn't make it not real just because... I didn't say it wasn't real. Oh, right, yeah, but that's what you went. You went, I don't know.

That's what I mean. You're saying you don't know anyone that died of it I know more people who've died in motorcycle accidents than of COVID yeah

you probably know more people that have killed people yeah it got one of my nan's death certificate and it just wasn't true like she didn't have it she got bummed to death she did

but that was just trying to yeah they just didn't want us to put that on the phone she had so many cocks in her mouth they were like she was struggling to breathe

that's a symptom of COVID put that down she slept with the window open hoping someone climbed in and stuck a dick in her mouth but that you know I don't know how that went to be honest with you

look I argue because I'm the worst for it but not true oh well thank you for clearing that up but I know people

who's been it's been put on their vestibule and I was like what I don't know I don't know anyone who's directly died

from COVID I'm not saying this is a conspiracy I'm just saying I don't and now it's just like everyone's just like what did he die of what

AIDS right AIDS now is that what they're doing now totally the other way it's just all conspiracies isn't it the great AIDS conspiracies of 23

it's probably what you've got yeah you know eagles have AIDS it's nice isn't it when you look back at all the mad shit we did

you couldn't go out you have to go home at 10 o'clock you had to you had to have a pizza with your pint you had to legally with a pint you're going to have a tikka your pint? You had to. Yeah. Legally.

For a pint, you're going to have a tikka masala as well, with that meat. Cool. Yeah. And you're going to go home in 10 minutes, it's 10 to 10. And we did it.

The really, where we got, we was getting batshit when, like, nightclubs and bars were like, listen, we're going to open, because people want us to open.

And we're going to put a DJ on, because people want DJs on. For the love of fuck, do not stand up. Like, but you were getting bollocked for standing up. Like, oh, do you know what? Mask on, I'm just going to have a dance. Sit down! You're like, oh yeah, sorry, yeah.

You're going to be in sixes. I went to a nightclub at one point, Jordan, COVID, when it was that, when it was like, everyone has to be sat down. Everyone was fucking having the time of their lives. and then a security guy ran in and went the police are here and everyone like the fucking like what were you saying whip out the crosswords fall down there lad isn't it matt when you look back the things you have to do is insane it's in i wasn't here for

the for the bad one but and no one really questioned it like most of us went this is bollocks but no one went like there should have been riots outside like number 10 going why have i got to have a pizza to have four pints why am i having to buy that it doesn't make any sense what was the logic behind that she didn't get too drunk and then like spread it no the the logic behind it was didn't get too drunk and then like spread it no the logic behind it was you if you're in a restaurant oh yeah yeah

there's no point stopping you having a drink but they didn't want people just going out and having a pint because they'd be like whatever trying to save

certain parts of also meant you had to sit down it had to be a substantial thing as well it couldn't be like an all of us a substantial meal yeah you couldn't yeah

so they were like well listen we need some of these venues to be open but we've got to restrict it so then everyone's just like you can have a pint but obviously it comes with a cheese toasty and that's just it's like you know like people like you know people saturday night you're like do you want to do you want to like a shot with it as well just a cheese toasty there i'm gone anti-barrel if you want a shot of tequila did you have to get like a fucking you didn't have to get a food with every drink

you just had to have it on your table look at us talking about it like it was 20 years ago I remember spring and summer I went on

a first date and we got given a pizza on a different table to us like because of social distancing

they were putting groups of two on tables of four and splitting the four into like, they put a little gap. So they'd be like, yeah, yeah, this is your table and we're just gonna have to put your pizza on this one. You can pick her if you want, but the food that you've got to have

would just put on there without your wife. Remember the one we got in Hannah's? Yeah. I think they just draw on a pizza on a plate. It was the worst thing I've ever seen like yeah shit you don't want it that tea is warming my vocal cords eat out to help out was pretty fun

eat out to help out I got confused with that I had so much pussy that's what Rishi wanted you know why because I love a bit of cunnilingus that's actually Rishi Suna cunnilingus that's actually reishi sunac did not spread it well though cunnilingus

yes cunnilingus get the pussy out of your mind did he tell to help out like exacerbate the situation yeah probably yeah yeah

good though it's almost like those Tory fuckwits didn't know what they were talking about do you know what as much as we all hate the Tories

right it was a bad situation like and I think the disgust and they made so many mistakes and fucked everything up do you know what as much as we all ate the soddies right it was a bad situation like and I think the disgust and they made so many mistakes and fucked everything up no one knew

what they were doing did they no well if you're a Labour supporter you could almost argue it was a good day and that's yeah because

they were so feckless in places you never know Labour could have been would have been feckless as well but if you want a Labour if you want a Labour party to get yeah you might as well have it on their watch because no one would have come out not from a humanitarian point of view yeah but to think like

a tory for a minute from a political agenda like perspective and for political longevity it was good that like they had to deal with it because now Labour and Keir Starmer can go, hey, you fucked all that up. I didn't fuck it up because, you know, I didn't have to do any of it. No one would have come out of COVID politically well

because it was just... I don't... Maybe. I don't see how. But I just... No one's ever going to get that money. But I mean, they are... The fuck-ups with the PPE and...

Can you imagine? And the way they enforced the laws and then broke that. To have people prove that they put these very stringent rules in place and that they couldn't have given two fucks about them and were so blatant with it and are such a backstabbing bunch of cunts

that someone gets fired and then two months later they're snitching on the whole thing. They're just such an awful bunch of cunts. Can you imagine how long we would have had Tories for going forward if Jeremy Corbyn had won the 2019 November election? Yeah, he would have got blamed for it.

He caused COVID. Look what happened. The economy crashing and all that. Like, even if his policies were perfect, the Tories would have had a field day with that. We told you. Now, look, you had 12 years of us and now you've got this and COVID and Brexit and all that.

We'd have been so fucked forever. It would have never gone back to being a Labour country. There's a chance that they get absolutely eviscerated, this Tory government. Great time to stand as a Labour MP. I'm going to do it. I honestly think you could just be like,

lad, I'm not that cunt. Nice one. Woo! Breath of fresh air! Do you know when you just have to go into a gaff and go, here's my phone number?

In case there's someone else who used to know you. Scanning, yeah, yeah. Scan. We've scanned it, yeah, yeah. Scan now. Put your email in. Put your phone number in

what just put michaelbarrymoresbigdickgmail.com and just put me the babalos pizza restaurant don't phone number in say it out loud what was that

01512522212 do you know under pressure I got into a place once and they were like could you put your it was Morrison's Cafe fucking hell where they were like

oh could you could you write this down and I went I'm not i don't want to write my name down and then you know when you like it was the weirdest thing under pressure i just went think of a name and you know when your fucking mind is mental i picked out dave ingram who was an open spot in manchester in 2004 2005 and then stopped doing comedy just under pressure. I was like, Oh fuck you. I'm not writing it.

But I went blank. He's dead now. He actually, he got shot. By Morrison's, the cafe staff. In fairness to Morrison's cafe, they do have a lot of customers that were like needing protection.

Yeah. Like if you're going to have to scan into anywhere, Morrison's cafe. That was a safe haven. I like, I like to buy a tea cake and watch people shop I remember my mum

once sent fried eggs back in Morrison's cafe because they weren't dippy enough I agree did she ask for them what did she ask them to be dippy

I think so but it's Morrison's cafe isn't it what the fuck you're paying for the service mate pretty stringent feelings about Morrison's cafes my mum was such a complainer

or was she like a real like what in the moment in the moment or like what tried to get like as well oh my god karen complainer uh anro and norman nightingale would have got on fucking brilliantly she was such a polite assassin whenever there was if ever we weren't on a train journey or something and it was a little bit late we i honestly think we were getting train journeys for seven fucking years we'd like maybe go to to manchester on the train or london on the train we'd only do like that trip once a year i think we've got free train travel for about seven years from one initially late train because she went on and went i was actually i was there with my children she did it any any time there was actually, I was there with my children. She did it.

Any time there was an issue like that, there'd be a really nice complaint and then we'd end up with a voucher or something. She fucking loved it. My mum used to go on nights out with me auntie Sue and she'd come home the next day

and I'd go like, oh, how was your nights out? And she would, without taking a breath, tell this like four or five minute story and they would always end with anyway,

oh, Sue's putting her complaints in. Great night. Honestly, time of our lives. Just so good to spend time together. Anyway. Our Sue. Do you reckon it's worse, young people or old people? COVID.

Yeah. Young people. Do you reckon? Yeah. Old people lost the end of like... Old people lost like 2% of their lives. Like young people lost 10. What?

What they've had so far, you mean. What do you mean? If you're like 50 or above. Yeah, but... And you lost two years. Yeah, yeah, but those percentages are also stacked against life to come, just on expectancy.

Yeah, but they've already had it and they fucked it up. All years did. Imagine being 17. The old people stay in anyway, but when they do spend time with other people, it's massively important

because they haven't got much else. You take that away. And also they were scared. Good. Like you lot couldn't have given two fucks. Oh no, that's not fair actually. There was a point.

No, I didn't care. No. I cared as in i protected people but personally i wasn't like i'm gonna die i was like i'm not gonna die now watching you during that it wasn't the first lockdown everyone felt a bit batshit in that first lockdown but at least it was it was new and everyone felt like they were locked down. Like you were sort of in it together. When it was getting mental was the spring of 21. Coming out of that, then all the rules were just stupid.

And you two really seemed frustrated. Like you were feeling a frustration that I wasn't feeling because your life was your social life. Like you lived in a house that was, you know, it was was fine wasn't it you were alright there but you gigged

like as much as anyone else you were always out socialising that's more to have taken away and you're happy with your books and your record player

yeah I like it can't play books and a record player I've got my budget regarding his things the only thing the only thing

the only thing we lost was Etta's birthday which was heartbreaking and then Tash and Connor who you know Connor

don't you the bouncer from Teddy's were like look we've got a soft play and we'll just open it up is that in Chewbrook

is that am I saying it right Chewbrook Chewbrook it's one word even though it's not Chewbrook

so it's Chewbrook Chewbrook. It's one word, even though it's not. Tubrook. So it's Tubrook. Tubrook. So we're in Tubrook. And literally went on the show. It's like looking. Like fucking badass. Just to go and have a play in a soft play.

But apart from that, when you've got kids, you're in a lot. Alfie Brown got himself caught by a taxi driver onto a Tubrook. Because Alfie Brown used to play this game where whenever he came to Liverpool and got in a taxi he pretended to be Scouse just to see if he could get away with it so he'd just be like

yeah lad and the taxi driver was like five minutes in and was like where about you from then lad and he went to brook I'm from to brook

oh no you're fucking not it's like hearing Glorious Bastard three glasses that's it where would you say you were from if you were trying

to be a Scotsman I'd say I'd say I was born in Khazakhali like you do and I'd say you're Iranian Khazakhala

I'd say where would I where would I try and do it let's play alright mate can I hello lads do it, where would I bullshit? Let's play. All right, mate,

can I, hello lads, do you take card? Yeah, take card lads, of course I do, yeah, extra 20% on card though,

like for the tax money, you know what I mean? Fucking hell lads. Been doing cash since the 90s. Fucking hell, that's heavy, but I need to get, I need to get in this air con taxi,

because it's proper jazzy out here. Jazzy? You know, jazzy Jeff, fresh. Oh, nice. You spend time abroad? Jazzy? Yeah no Jazzy Jeff Fresh Oh right You spend time abroad? Oh yeah I've been to St Helens

By the way I'm swerving all over the road here I don't know where I'm pointed I'm the first person in history to be in this position Yeah I'm in a taxi back in a taxi I've gone for a diagonal

You're in your wheelchair Let's not do that again Back in a taxi. I've gone for a diagonal. You're in your wheelchair. Let's not do that again. So what happened, lad? Born with it or? Eh, what? Bald. Oh, no.

Were you born with it or? What, me hair? Yeah. Late in life alopecia. Although, I don't think a lot of people get early life. Anyway, never mind. What do you do for a living, lad? Yeah, I think a lot of people get early life anyway never mind what do you do for a living lad yeah I do a bit of stand up

do you yeah yeah yeah do you know hot water I've been to see that post if he shites him all he does is fucking talk to the audience yeah a bit of a nasty cunt

I'm just thinking you ginger cunt tell a fucking joke yeah that's what we say in the dressing room you know what I mean when he's just like what do you do doesn't matter what he does

he's here for a night out actually also why has he got to give you your jokes you know what I mean tell us about you closeted homosexual that Adam Rose great isn't he Just like, what do you do? It doesn't matter what he does. He's here for a night out. Actually, also... Why has he got to give you your jokes? You know what I mean? Tell us about you. Closeted homosexual.

That Adam Rowe's great, isn't he? I fancy him. He is all right. Yeah, he is all right. Do you know that Adam Rowe? Yeah, he bums dogs, though. Does he, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

He gives off a dog-bumming vibe, but you know what? People don't know that. I think when you're that good-looking and talented, people just do whatever you want. You're allowed to bum dogs yeah just do what you want it's just left here mate

are you going this way indicate indicate it's broke lad yeah so where are we up to do you actually know where I'm going are we just talking about

Paul Smith being gay and Adam Robles there's roadworks lad I'm just getting us out of town I assume we're going out of town. How am I doing so far? Am I doing all right? What do you mean doing all right?

I was just, I was looking for a friend out the window. All right, Carl. I like looking out. Are we in the Spanish Quarter of Hightown? Which way are you going here, mate? So where are we going, lad? Fajajajajli.

Where? Fajajajajli. Fajajajajli. Fajajajajli. Fajajajajli. Near the hospital where do you Fazatwaki

Aintree Hospital Aint what you going to Aintree Hospital you've got them near the horses yeah near the no no

I'm going Fazakali Hospital and you've that's where you've failed yes the same hospital same hospital no it's the trust

Aintree Trust it's called Aintree Hospital oh well it was a good I had a really good time thanks for letting me play along and I've just had

a really lovely day thanks for letting me play fake taxi driver have you ever used to watch Cash Cab no when you were off school sick

have you ever seen Cash Cab no but what I'm thinking of is fake taxi you know the porn fake taxi where she gets in and she's like,

I'm going in. He goes, do you want to pay me, love, or do you want to suck me dick? Have you seen the new one where they've empowered women? Yeah, she's the driver. And she's the porn star. She's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm a taxi driver and you're a big fat fuck. Spends half an hour parking.

The video's finished. Why? Do you know? She can't park? Honestly. Because? Because of her tits. No, she's got a car on her mouth. Oh, good. That's a valid point. Why? Do you know? She can't park? Honestly. Because? Because of her tits.

No, she's got a car on her mouth. Oh, good. That's a valid point. Cash cab. Cash, should we talk about cash cab, Karl? You would get in, right? And you go, all right, mate, I'm just going to Aintree Hospital. And it would go, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Right? And all these lights would go fucking like bizarre. Just a question. Every time someone asked to go to like berserk just question every time someone asked to go to Aintree Hospital no no no wherever you're going

yeah yeah yeah and then you had from where you were to where you were going to answer as many questions as possible and every question was worth like 20 quid

right yeah I've seen I seem to remember it yeah it was fucking sick that was like one of my favourite you know a day off

school sick unbelievable what were your day off school sick TV what were your day off school sick TV shows Brum what I wrote the kid

in the morning the number the number fella the little like I used to love a bit of Jeremy Kyle I'm fucking I'm talking the cartoons

in the morning when you woke up are you talking like midday TV once you're off at nine then you're in an uncharted territory of TV aren't you yeah you're like fuck it'ss? Oh, no. Once you're off at nine, then you're in an uncharted territory of TV, aren't you?

Yeah. You're like, fuck, it's Wednesday. Day off school. I'm talking not before school. No, I'm saying, yeah. Bargain on. Frasier. Frasier was before school.

Frasier sort of went from like eight till half nine. It was like three episodes sometimes. Oh, right. I used to watch Air Hunters. What? Air Hunters? Air Hunters. It's weirdly addictive.

It's like... Is this an S4C thing? Es Pedro Ech. No. Oh. That's the most offensive thing that's been said so far. It was on BBC One at like half ten. And basically, someone would die

and they'd leave no trace of like family or anything. Oh, Air Hunters. I've seen this. I thought you meant like people who went chasing other kings in there. Hair hunters. Hair as in H-E-I-R. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. And they'd like track down their family. And they'd be like, oh my God, I've just got 250 grand from someone I don't know. That's good, I don't remember that. That was sick. I remember hair hunters. I used to dream about that happening to me as a kid though

like someone would knock and go you adam go yeah i'm like you've got fucking half a billion quid from your fucking great nan's uncle right yeah and then my dad would be there going why aren't i first in line they'd be like no setting his will leave it to adam i'd have that fantasy like because adam was so good adam was great and even though we'd never met him, he's great aunt's uncle. Fucking you. I can't remember anymore. Get your own back. No, that was after school. That's Saturday.

Get your own back. Off school. It was on in the week. Yeah. Yeah, that's after school. The Queen's nose. You're not putting a kid's show on when you're meant to be in school.

No, fine. That's what I mean. All right, loose women. What do you want from me? Oh, you didn't. No. The Queen's nose, remember that? What was the one with Dick Van Dyke?

I remember her whole face. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Yeah, I watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It had just come out. What was the one, Diagnosis Murder? Oh, yes. Murder, she wrote. Yeah.

As well. Murder. Isn't Daytime TV fucking mad? Yeah, it's awful. We're just Michael Parkinson threatening old people about getting free pens. Do you want a pen? Yeah.

Coffins are expensive. You're going to die. If you spend all your money on a coffin, you're not going to have money for stationery, love. Get a pen! Sell a part of your house now, and then you can pay for your own funeral. We'll keep a little, but you'll get an alarm clock.

You're eight years from the Sun Life Letter. What? Dan's eight years from the Sun Life Letter. It'll drop through your door in eight years. Oh, yeah. Oh, you. You get a free pack of pen in eight years. You fucking horrible prick.

You're paying for my funeral. Okay. Nice one. What happened in 2015? Oh, fucking hell. Name something that happened in 2015. Newsworthy. Or in our lives.

In our lives? In your life in 2015. I started that diet. Right. You are as far away from that diet as you are from a Sun Life Guaranteed over 50 pounds.

I can tell. And the lack of doing that diet still is getting me closer to the fucking free pen. What? I left high school in 2015.

How do we get on? We're doing quite well. Chill. Do you know what I mean? We talked about it in the Patreon episode yesterday about when you're my age dating an 18-year-old. You could date if you want.

18, 19-year-old. The Charlie Abdo attacks. Sure. Cool. Just came off the top of your head there, didn't it? Je suis un Charlie Abdo. And the Charleston church shooting. Cool. go on Charlie Abdo and the the Charleston

church shooting cool it was more fun when it was just off the top of your head wasn't it finish school diet

people died people died thanks Google why why is that what you're doing you're just trying to

get me the Charleston fuck you know this is a this is a speakeasy, see? It's prohibition, see? Prohibition. Fucking hell.

Remember that? Yeah. Made a lot of money. It's not Parky on the Sun Life anymore. It's Carol Vorderman oh she looks fucking

battered and glued back together apparently she gets like regularly pounded by five different men yeah special friends

she calls them yeah good on her she's got like a good on her she's got a rotation of cock she looks like

she's gonna lose a hip she you see her on I've seen her on Good Morning Britain and she comes on she's going to lose a hip she you see her on I've seen her on Good Morning Britain and she comes on she rallies against the Tories

and it's really because you know they're not really about that but she's all about all the donors and all that it's amazing to watch

but Carol Vorderman in her time has been a very attractive woman but now she's like she's smoking off the injuries she's 60 odd and she's spent a lot of money

putting it all together. And it... Get Carol Vorderman up, please. It's mad because Rachel Riley is a fucking little rat. Yeah. She took her job. Rachel Riley is more attractive

but I'd rather spend the day with... Carol Vorderman, 23. No, no. I want 20, 23. Okay. She's 62, to be fair. There you are. That pic...

No, hang on. Am I a Katie? Honestly, go down to the right, to the right, there, in blue.

That's literally... That's a bad screenshot photo, isn't it? Yeah, you'd kiss her. That one's saying that she looks great. She's aging in reverse. Where's her eye going?

Has she always had an eye like that? Someone's pulled a pack of cherries out over there. She's from Rhyl. Is she? Or she went to school in Rhyl, something. Yeah, she still lives there. She's looking at Rhyl with an eye. You can take the girl out of Rhyl.

Do you reckon if a man her age was like, yeah, I've got five fucking women, and I just goose one by one, do you reckon he'd be as praised? No. By the way, you know this thing about her getting

banged by five different guys? It's not like everyone, like I've never heard that. It's true. It's a recent thing. She literally tweeted about it on Valentine's Day. Oh, I'm sorry.

Because you're not up to date with pop culture. No, I don't get the Carol Vorderman newsletter. Everyone's nodding it. Steve's behind him. Yeah, lad. Have you not got notifications turned on? Nah, I've not get the Carol Vorderman newsletter everyone's nodding Steve's behind him yeah lad have you not got

notifications turned on nah nah I've not got the app doing transfer gossip oh you fucking yeah because she was looking at a twapping one

for Benny McCarthy on Transfer Dib Rambla oh the South African bags man that's what she calls them how do you know Carol Vorderman's getting the

it was on the internet it's Google it's Colin Knowledge Google she's got Carol Vorderman's wife called Carol Vorderman she's got five friends

with benefits yeah she's got a team she calls her special friends five-a-side socks look Carol Vorderman wishes happy Valentine's Day to us

five special friends oh my god she might be the old woman that came in and got five fucking Valentine's cards Carol Vorderman wishes happy Valentine's Day to us. Five special friends. Oh my God! She might be the old woman that came in and got five fucking Valentine's cards. Carol Vorderman's been at Ellesmere Port fucking card factory. She's not old. She's 62. That's not old.

It is old. Is it? Mate, I'm 41 and all I get called is old. You're now 62, Carol Vorderman. Oh, fuck her. I'd be a fucking sick special friend. Obviously, I wouldn't because I'm in a very committed relationship.

What a beautiful woman. See, when I see someone like Carol Vorderman, you know that question of how old would you go? I've got a joke. She's twice my age and I'd have absolutely no problem being one of those five. Can we go back to the five?

Yeah, go on. Do you reckon she asked for one for the top and four on the bottom? Yeah, go on. Do you reckon she asked for one from the top and four from the bottom? Nice. Nice. I thought he was annoyed with me, but he was just waiting to do a joke. I looked over and Karl was going,

we could improve it. So when does she ask for, I'm just, let's workshop the joke. Okay. So one from the top and four from the bottom. In the bottom. So yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, that's not right.

It doesn't help. So is it one in the top and four all in the arse In the bottom. So, yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, that's not right. It doesn't help. So is it one in the top and four all in the arsehole? Yeah. Or is the bottom a combination of bumhole and pussy? This is how jokes

get workshopped. Arsehole. It's difficult to have two big numbers, isn't it? Yeah. So one of the four little ones is what you want. So they're all in the bum,

all at once? All in the bum at once. And their vagina's just left. Yeah. Five special friends at once? Is that, I mean, is that I mean is that just for the joke

or do you think Carol's like no she is one at a time she dates them all she's in like five relationships oh shit I wonder if she's got

like a I wonder if it's like a little league table sex topplet I wonder if she's got like a little league table of like he's

you know absolute champions league number one third place you don't have the champions league spots I wonder if she's got like a little league table of like, he's, you know, absolute Champions League number one. Third place. You don't have the Champions League spots in this division. I'd be around at five, Carol. Oh yeah,

well it was half past. Down a slot. Benny McCarthy. Into the ass. Up he goes. Into me mouth. Carol Vorderman, ladies and gents. The Carol Vorderman round. i think she looks a bit fucking

pasted together i bet she's fucking sound though you've been really honorable about women lately every time a woman gets brought up you're like oh she's old and ugly and i don't want to fuck her why he's not wrong that's the last five women i think you've said they're fucking stupid From Kath Dealey and Amanda Holm. And Ted Staley. Literally. And Maya Jammer. What? She's fine. No, he said Maya Jammer was okay. She's all right. I get that she's...

She's fucking spice. Yes. Hang on, let me try and get up from that one, Finn. Listen, everyone in here is allowed a strong opinion on fucking everything. And then I go, yeah, I'm not asked about these.

I think they're a bit beige. Oh, fucking hell, that's so tough. Who's your dream woman, Dan? Someone proper dirty. No,

like someone who exists, obviously Laura, but like in the fantasy world. If Laura had gone. Yeah. If Laura's gone. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause she's Carol Vorderman's new lesbian sixth. She's gone to work for the lesbian sixth. She's gone to work for the Peace Corps. She's always on about that. In the Yemen. She's always on about that. I might just go...

Is the Yemen like the widdle? Because it's just called Yemen, isn't it? Yeah. Both war-torn as well. The Yemen. But you say the Yemen, don't you?

Like the Yazda. Maybe it's a skull swing. Oh, yeah, because the Scouses are always talking about the Yemen. Have you heard about that kick-off? She's gone to Namibia to join the Peace Corps tonight. The Peace Corps in Namibia? Yeah. Because there's been war?

Yeah. The Namibian War. Yeah, yeah, I'm just remembering that. She actually calls it the Namibia, but that's just, that's a Nottingham thing. Fucking hell, dog, you going to the Namibia?

Right, have a good time, dog. She's gone over there, she's got the kids with her. Oh, what? Yeah.

Oh. Because Jack's first words were, I feel Namibian. And she was like, do you know what? Just sweet, Namibian.

And Etta was just like, I want to go with them. Oh, that's nice. That's the saddest bit, isn't it? So, they're in Namibia and Etta was just like I want to go with them oh that's nice that's the saddest bit isn't it so they're in Namibia are they

the Namababubu are they who's your dream woman Laura's taking a new husband as well who's that John John

John Namibian Namibian John John Namibia John oh yeah country was named after this family oh so she's

bit of money well not he's a guitarist oh musician and he paints oh an artistic king yeah The country was named after this family. Oh, so she's a bit of money. Well, not love. He's a guitarist. Oh, musician. And he paints. Oh, an artistic king. Yeah.

Classic Namibia. Oh, he's a baker by trade. Okay. Just keep saying words. Busy, isn't he? Got a great left foot. John. Oh, he's a winger. He's right-footed, actually.

Oh, it's sorry. Left-handed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's happened. So that's where Laura is and you can pick them all up she's in Namibia

she's now called Laura Namibia she's thinking of getting married yeah alright cool queen or no

and she's got a pet salamander queen consort she's queen consort sounds hoary doesn't it yeah and in her garden

instead of dogs because obviously everyone wants to get it John because he's the fucking guy she's got 18 tigers oh

interesting and they're all under Etta's control Etta is the tiger Etta tiger mind control tiger mind control she's now the queen of the tigers

and protects the whole family that's amazing fucking hell she can't write yet but she's got tiger mind control down interesting so do you need a place under the window so yeah so yeah yeah who do I want to anybody fucking hell she can't write yet but she's got tiger mind control down it's interesting so do you need a place

under the window so yeah so yeah yeah who do I want to fall anybody no because we can all dream woman

to live your life with anybody monogamously obviously it has to be someone famous can't be like Sophie in the road yeah that would be bad

if it was like fucking hell Charlotte 27 yeah somebody unattainable I think Dua Lipa is phenomenal. You going with that, yeah?

She's very beautiful, but I like a little bit of a bit more junk in the trunk. Bigger bum? I think so, yeah. Okay, go on then. That makes no sense of Maya Jama. What? She's got all that junk.

I think she just looks like... Maya Jama is basically Dua Lipa with a bigger ass. Yeah. Is she? I don't think she's what more could you want? oh well maybe I need to

reassess Maya Jammer that'll cheer her up today when she hears that she's back in the reckoning so who are you going with then? because Namibia's a a real thing Namibia is a real thing

it's on the map very progressive Dan yeah not a skinny mini someone Eva Mendes there's probably going to be tattoos there yeah very progressive Dan yeah not a skinny mini someone even Mendes there's probably going to be tattoos

there yeah even Mendes a teacher yeah some curvaceousness because I've just I've got some

I've got some junk I don't want to feel like Dewey Leeper as attractive she's so beautiful but would she just be like get off me no she's falling for you

in this she's like oh my god Dan I love it I'll just get on top you know she does all that fucking gyrating she does yeah

I'm trying not to just say some of the porn stars I like but in truth no probably she's picking a porn star

over Maya Jammer stop saying Maya Jammer I don't give a fuck about Maya. I don't know who she is. I'm not, I'm not arsed. She seemed nice.

Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie. Two, two, two. Emily Ratajkowski. Who's that? Too skinny for Dan.

Yeah. She can be mentally Ratajkowski's. She can all that AF and boobie. Girl's 80 though, cause she's a cool girl. Oh really? She's like the archetypal cool girl

I think maybe a South American like a Sofia Vergara yeah nice oh I mean from Modern Family oh

what Sofia Vergara you do from Chef never seen Chef either Britain's Got Talent Sofia Vergara oh yeah

I'd love I think honestly she might be my dream woman is she is she moving into Sorghal because I think it would make it so interesting

she's a lot older than you yeah how old is she I think she's like 55 or something old no 50 she's 50

50 bang on yeah she's going to do a life letter but Dan we have to move to Sorghal I want to do Sorghal Europeanage and I've got a parka pin

That was sent to me By Carol Voderman Get in Do you know what I mean? And I can go to see my friend Carl Who I might be related to Come and see me

Yeah So I think I'd go crazy South American with some of that bootay tay tay have any of you seen Louis CK's stand up routine

about Good Will Hunting and about the fact he wrote the movie and that's why he wins the movie have you seen it yeah that is such a better

example than Good Will Hunting Chef the film I was talking about before have you seen Chef yeah that is such a better example of he wrote the movie than Good Will Hunting Chef the film I was talking about before have you seen Chef yeah that is such a better example of he wrote

the movie than Good Will Hunting because Jon Favreau you know who that is I do Jon Favreau wrote it and starred in it and that is his ex-wife

who is still in love with him and they end up back together and in the meantime he fucks Scarlett Johansson have you seen the other guys yeah when will

federal state neva mendez and all these beautiful women love him it's kind of like that but that's like a parody of it isn't it yeah yeah don't play that shit don't play no shit john favaro is like at his biggest and most like red face oh he is a rotund man. I love Jon Favreau. He's been great. Specifically in Chef, he doesn't look good and he's an angry, bitter chef and he's like,

yeah, and I fuck Scarlett Johansson and then I was like, oh, my ex-wife, I don't really love her but she loves me and I'm going to figure out a way to make it work.

Spoiler alert. And he cooks. Chef is probably one of my favourite. I don't think it's one of the best ten films ever but it's in my favourite ten films ever. I enjoyed it. Chef is probably one of my favourite. I don't think it's one of the best 10 films ever, but it's in my favourite 10 films ever. I enjoyed it.

I'll have to watch it. Have you seen The Menu yet? Yeah. I went to the cinema to watch that. It's fucking great. Really good. Voldemort in it. That's all you need to know.

He is. He's a chef. It's a bit of an off-the-wall one, isn't it? Don't go into it knowing anything. That's what I did, and it was much better for it. I think a lot of films are like that. The less you know,

the better a lot of the time. How do you like musicals? Just going blind. Can we go and watch Hamilton on Friday? I'd rather cut my arm off. Could we go and watch Hamilton on Saturday for the matinee before we come home?

No. What, work today? Finn, see if there's six tickets seven tickets for Saturday no don't you I'll pay for them

to be changed oh shit Laura's just texted she's back from Namibia she's coming back Saturday please Saturday

I need to I've got work to do oh you haven't I have because I can't do it on Friday because we're winning awards Oh the unknow the unknow

did we win? Let's do both reactions So we won Oh Yeah Yeah We knew it Now if we're going to do it

then let's actually do it properly Let's do two reactions Okay Let's film both Let's not be like hey like how will we actually feel

if we win should we leave both in yeah well I'm not editing it again how will we actually feel yeah oh we won

yeah fuck off Jimmy Carr you're right comedy award winners 2023 and do you know what I want to just say

to all the other nominees if anyone had won this it would have been fair it was a fair vote and they're great people like they're all dead sound

you're the comedians and every other podcast was nominated for a reason top top top comics friends of ours and you know what respect them

yeah I'm glad we won obviously I'm happy for them as well to get nominated yeah let's do the other one. Do the other one. Right. Those cheating voles, shagging cunts.

No, it's a conspiracy. As if. They don't want us winning. Cheating. Yeah. Like, fuck them. Using their industry power to beat this indie podcast that we've built from the ground up and you've had not on handouts from daddy and his friends. It's a fix.

It's a fix. Shite. You've never been funny. Not good people. You've never been funny. You've never been funny. Ever. All six of yous. I don't care which one of yous won.

As soon as I found out we didn't win, I stopped listening because it's an invalid vote. Someone's cooking the books here. I've always felt like this. Yous are fucking shite and I've always thought you're a bit creepy as well. I've seen you around women and dogs.

And dogs. And dog bummers. And voles. You don't want us winning. Where the fucking, you know, where do and voles you don't want us winning where the fucking you know where do you like don't get them winning

because they'll change the world gang of charlatan chants and twats and we'll stand by this enjoy your victory I hope it makes you very happy fuck off Withicombe hollow cunt

and Withicombe's fitter than you there you go great recover from that what are you smoking? Spice. It's a streets reference.

I thought you'd have got it. I love a bit of conilingus. Yeah. Josh Whittaker. Shall we have a break? Yeah. We recently asked our listeners, what are the funniest nicknames you've ever heard?

And these are what have been submitted. If you're watching this on Instagram or TikTok or somewhere, and you know of a funnier one, comment them in the comments. Let us know what the people in your life are called and why they are called it. Dan, you've got what has been sent in already. Yeah, and we want more.

So send them in at haveawordpod at gmail.com. I'm just going to put a disclaimer out. There's been a lot. We've had a lot. Some are great. Some are way over the line, and I'm not always good at judging what's over the line. I think we all know that.

Okay. First one, Patrick Farrell says, used to work with a guy called Richard Clifford. He got called Riff Clitchard. It's not over the line, is it? No? There's no line. All right, okay, cool.

That's not even over the funny line. No. Robert Woodruff says... That's one of the least funny things I've ever heard in my entire life. Can we give a ding for when you like them? When you deem them a good nickname. Robert Woodruff says, I worked with a guy who was

4'11 and his name was Anthony. We called him Shetland Tony. Yes. That's good. Oh, that's great. What was what was that first one there's loads there's loads some of them are bangers some of them

not bangers some of them are just like mean but then funny as well Adam Moore says morning lids we had a lad in the year above us called Monster Munch

because he had four toes. Yeah, that's quite good. Troy Peters says, Funniest nickname I know is our friend Rodney, real name Jack. He got the nickname Burger King because he has a habit

of only pulling whoppers on a night out. Do you know that Monster Munch one? It's wrong. We didn't react to that properly then but can you imagine when you were at school if someone like

in the changes had photos and one of your mates pointed it and said fucking hell monster munch can you imagine how much you'd have fucking died

did you know that monster munch things is actually it's arms and legs and the circle is it's head that's not true not a foot no it is what

no it isn't a monster munch is not a monster's foot it's the monster it's the arms and is. What? No, it isn't. A monster munch is not a monster's foot. It's the monster. It's the arms and the legs and the sacrum. No, it isn't. You've seen a tweet and fell for it, like a big stupid cunt. Google it. Google it? You're wrong. I'm not. Well, I'll tell you what,

Adam Moore, you've really kicked it off here with the monster munch one. I think at school, that would have been legendary. There you go. Stoodle. Yeah. They're in a stud up. Yeah. They're claws. Walker's officially confirmed. You've read something on Google and believed it?

Yeah. I've seen it with my eyes. Yeah. Use your eyes now. I'll just try this once. Just go. Oh, sorry. I thought it was the other thing.

It's on the internet. So you thought it was that way? I've seen it with my own eyes. You thought it was that? The monster on the right? It is. Which is with the claws facing down. But that doesn't look like was that the monster on the right it is which is with the

with the claws facing down but that doesn't look like any of the monsters on the packet does it on the what on the packet well I've seen it with my own eyes

it doesn't look like that Carl does it it does yeah look at the how it look I love it I love how we managed to have a fallout

about fucking monster munch because he's a stupid cunt and he does me head in it's too stubborn I love it. I love how we managed to have a fallout about fucking Monster Munch. Because he's a stupid cunt and he does me head in. It's too stubborn. Hang on, wait. The whale just inverted. I'm the least stubborn person in this room. Oh, come on!

And he will die on that hill. If you can tell me I'm wrong and prove it, then I just accept it. You never do that. You're not capable of it. Am I being gaslit? The hill... You have the Pyrenees of the hills you die on?

Name one thing I've ever dug my heels in on that you've proven me wrong on. Name one. That's not what stubbornness is. It is. You're being stubborn now. No, I'm not. You're just going, you're stubborn not you're just going you're stubborn

I've just proven you're stubborn Eve leaves me weeding weeding weeding anyway back to nicknames

no no no no okay now you're not stubborn you're quite easy going yeah

next yeah erm it's the monster I've seen it no Cam says when I was in year 11

a lad in my year had twins in year 11 yeah so I was doing some shagging in year 10 er

er a lad in my year had twins everyone in the whole school called his brother who had just started year 7 at the time Uncle Henry

and that lasted for the rest of his school career can I ask you a question yeah have you done any sifting on any of these yep

I just sort of I suppose he is an uncle at a young age but it's alright I didn't write them don't turn to me and go

this is fucking this is my feature that I wanted done and it's not good enough I'm just throwing them out there they're not all going to be don't turn to me and go, this is fucking, this is my feature that I wanted done. And it's not good enough. I'm just throwing them out there. They're not all going to be bangers. Dan Widwood says,

all right, lids. I have a mate who is called Tesco has yet to have an emergency colostomy bag fitted a few years ago. So like Tesco, he now has a bag for life. That's good. Sip your own fucking shit. Greg Wheeler says,

I'm in the RAF and one of my old officers at training base used to have alopecia and his nickname was Apache. Ryan Mander says, That's not bad.

Ryan Mander says, We had a girl in our school called Kelly and she had a stutter, so we gave her the nickname Machine Gun Kelly. That's not true, but I think that's true. Machine Gun Kelly is not that old. That's a good one. Darren Young says,

Got a mate called Jamie who gets called Jamie Two Toss because we were once in strippers in Manchester where he got two separate lap dances after each one as soon as they finished

dancing on him he ran into the toilets and had a wank over them in the cubicles hence the two toss he spent £500 in the strippers that night

using his joint credit card which he had with his girlfriend which they were using to save up for a house deposit he has a joint credit card with a girlfriend credit card, which he had with his girlfriend, which they were using to save up for a house deposit. He has a joint credit card with a girlfriend? Credit card?

With a girlfriend? You can't have a joint bank account until you're at least engaged. I'm sure he means joint debit card because you can't save for a deposit on a credit card. I mean, that would... I mean, you kind of did.

Touche. I don't know what you're talking about. Send in your nicknames to havewordpod at gmail.com and send loads, because apparently I need to sift a lot more. We had loads. We had on the phone

Katie sucking dildo. I was quite on the nose. Toe finger. I was just saying what you see. Real Ron Seal fucking nicknames. On the phone.

She sucked a dildo on camera. Katie sucking dildo. Toe finger. Toe finger. Did you have any? Yeah, but did they how do you ever get rid of them?

I got called Moomin Because I looked like a Moomin You're dumped He fucking does Yeah he does Get a Moomin up now When did you look like a Moomin? I was very pasty

I was called Quasimodo When I was a little kid Oh yours were fucking legendary mate Yeah I did look a little bit like Moomin Troll. Aw, they're cute though. Once when I was in, this is going to get absolutely hounded.

Once when I was in Air Scouts, we went to REF Finningley for a scout camp. Was it you? And because it's all like plain nonces, there was a stall where you could buy like shells of bullets. And I was like, oh, they're cool. So I spent all the pocket money I'd be given, not on sweets or anything, just on bullets.

I just spent five pounds on bullets. That's like 3 million quid in today's money. I got called bullet. I could have bought a fucking house. I got called bullet. So Moomin and Bullet. I mean, at least bought a cool one. I did look Bullet. So Moomin and Bullet. I mean, at least Bullet's a cool one. I did look a bit like Macaulay Culkin as well,

so I got a little bit of that. I'd love to be called Bullet. What a name. It's not bad, is it? Where's Bullet, lad? Yeah. But then you get called Bullet. It'll naturally just change over time.

I think uni's the one where you get the most nicknames. Like, there was a girl in our uni that just got called Scouse, and I can't remember her name. She was just a Scouse. She girl in our uni that just got called Scouse and I can't remember her name. She was just a Scouse. She was Scouse. So she got called Scouse. There was on sweet John

at my mate Bondi's uni. He was the only John. There was loads of Johns. He was the only John with an on sweet bathroom in his room. So they called him on sweet. And I don't know

his actual name. It's on sweet John. It's John. No, I know. But if you say John, you're like, who? Was he not French? If Bondi goes, oh yeah, I was out with John. I'm like, I don't know who you mean. actual name it's on sweet john it's john no i know but if you say john you're like who was he not if bondi goes oh yeah i was out with john i'm like i don't know which who you mean if he goes i

was out with on sweet i'm like oh yeah on sweet john he's still on sweet in my head we had a lad called thomas grafton who looked a bit like dame bowers he got called dainey the whole time that was the whole time and when we're in drama group when we were young our mate alistair got called steve and no one knew why we just called him steve he was alan and someone went mate what is this steve thing he just looks like a steve i was alan i used to call him alan no no one really knows but like as in like not even like oh i was alan and then that evolved into power ballad alad power ballad alan and then that evolved into Power Ballad Alan Power Ballad Alan that was Josh wasn't it

right nice and then in year 11 I was called the handsome king I didn't call you that was that just when you were masturbating I think uni's the one where it gets

that's the one where stuff sticks my high school one I got a little bit was Osama bin Laden. So insensitive. It is, isn't it? It's disgusting.

But there's a guy, one of my close mates who... Where were you in 2001? 2001? Yeah. I was two. He had knocked them down with them. Wow.

Yeah. Another finger has hit the tower. It's a great excuse. One of my mates the teachers even called him by his nickname which is boob

so the teachers I've met boob you have met boob oh he's a nice lad boob so the fuck are you talking about the teachers and his mum boob

his mum calls him boob because that's his that's his nickname why is he called boob because his name it's a fucking shite story basically

there's a little boy that couldn't say his name so call him boob his name's jacob and he just used to go boob so that kind of stuck and now like all the teachers they wouldn't i think a lot of people don't know his name and his name's jacob but everyone calls him boob his mom his dad mate that a nickname's really got a stick for your parents to be like do you know what I know we gave him a name, but this is great.

Boob? Yeah. Did you ever have nicknames? Moom and Bullet? Anything like Union? I don't know. Not when you grew up? No, I think that was,

I think, yeah. By the way, I didn't get to Union and be like, guys, pick. Moomin or Bullet. Run with it. Carl used to get antisemitic hate

because he had a bigger nose than most people. What? That's just not true. Oh. Maybe he'd be at me back then. No one's ever... You used to call me it, you mean?

Yeah. That's what he means. Before I realised how problematic it was, he was just called... I think at one point he was just called the Jew in me phone. No, it wasn't. I know what it was.

Oh. Barry the Kung Clan? Yeah, and there's others. Oh, God. Adam is still Grand Pair the Jew in me, fam. No, it wasn't. I know what it was. That was Barry the Cunclan. Yeah, and there's others. Oh, God. Adam is still Grand Pair the Pope in my phone. From Loretta Marr. Yeah. I didn't know I was called a Jew.

Or Jewish, shall we say. No, I don't think that's what was said. Should we do some advice? No, I was Oh This Cunt again, wasn't I? Yeah. You've had several nicknames. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang, this cunt again, wasn't I? Yeah. You've had several names. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. We need to come up with some nicknames.

We're, you know, lads working together. What's the... Well, Carl's nickname in my phone for a while was, oh, this cunt again. That was his name in my phone. And then he found out his half-fellas are Spaniard. And about four days after that, when he was still processing it,

I changed it to Oestra Contra Vez, which is Oh, This Comes Again in Spanish. Oh, nice. I mean, Carlos is stuck, hasn't it?

If someone goes, Oh, Carlos, I think, that's sort of a nickname. I got that anyway because Carl just like, it's just not. Sensei is your nickname, isn't it?

Yeah, I've got Sensei. Yeah, you've got Sensei. People still call me Grandad. Robbie Bags, people call me that. Yeah, even though that was a joke. It's Robbie Bags, isn't it? Yeah, I've got Sensei. Yeah, you've got Sensei. People still call me Grandad. Robbie Baggs, people call me that. Yeah, that was a joke. It's Robbie Baggs, isn't it? Yeah. And he's the infant or something.

I put a picture of me and Laura up for Valentine's Day just because I don't do loads of that stuff, but I thought it'd be a nice gesture. And someone just commented underneath, Bev. Bev, Dev. Bev, Dev. Just a very subtle nice callback

does anyone comment chicken legs no it's the same clip you know is it the big piece of chicken no but she's chicken legs

now isn't she chicken legs like whether she wants to be the big piece of chicken or not she's chicken legs she's so sound apart from when

I clip out things from my special. And then she gets a little bit touchy. You know the Viking dad bit? Yeah. Ooh! Apparently that needed clearance. And it had already been subbed and put on the internet.

She was like, that is, I have to do the school run. And these are people, no, it's fine. Is he real? Yeah. she doesn't fancy him it was just fucking she did it to make me laugh like oh god viking dad and i ran with it as a as a bit and it is funny but one of the other mums came up on the school rooms i was like that's the on our school run there are i'd say five, six parents who you can tell would be sound

I'm actually we're like Laura's mates one of them like Neil that lives a few doors down is dead sound I actually consider him

a mate there's other parents who are sound there's other who just you don't even see them they just keep their head down there's some dry fuckers

who are the repetition gets you but one of the sound mums came up and went morning I went morning how you doing alright she was like yeah. But one of the sound mums came up and went, morning. I went, morning.

How you doing? All right. She was like, yeah. So which one's Viking dad? I was like, oh shit. Laura was right.

And then she guessed and she was right. Are there any really old mums or dads? What do you consider old? Oh, Finn. What do you consider old?

Cause I'm, there's a, there's a, there's a mum or two, like my age but they've probably also got older kids you're not old

don't worry I mean not dead dead old but it is like morning morning good morning I so irritate morning

is it really cold is it Friday morning fuck off t-rexes yeah I'd love to just I don't know

every day for how long another 10 years fuck it no they start walking'd love to just... I don't know. Every day. For how long? Another ten years? Fuck it. No, they start walking home when they're like 11, don't they? How far do you live from the school? It's a five minute walk.

Yeah, she'll start walking home next week. I don't think so. Because Laura, you know, she's got to take everything. When you catastrophize, like Laura does, you've got to take into account nuclear disasters,

terrorist strikes. And you wouldn't think Sorgel's going to get, you know, a terrorist strike, but that's what terrorists want you to think. Yeah, but she's prepared

Nessa to not be ready by mollycoddling her. Right, cool. I'll give her your number. You've probably got it already. I have a chat with Lach. I have got the horse number. Yeah, I know you have.

Save his chicken legs. Just before Christmas. She needs to be actually... In Spanish, though. Yeah, I had to text her your shoe little bit of advice yeah you're good at giving it i'll solve your problems i'll tell you the best thing to do

if you want to do it you'll be fine if you don't you might do time I'm loving this fit Pull and bear mate I'm into pull and bear Pull and bear sponsors Yeah I like it Small sizes though What? I feel like they run small

Well you're a big man It looks like a good quality garment. Thank you. It does. What's on the back though? That's the question. Oh God. Okay.

Kill them. What? Said bullet. Harry says, so many Harry's, prison officer tips afternoon boys got a question

for the all-knowing agony Adam I bagged a job as a prison officer in Doncaster I was wondering if you could give me some advice

as to how to assert dominance over the Scallies and Rongans good it's a Doncaster accent so easy. Bring one of your mates in. To the prison?

Yeah. Oh, okay. And fake his death. It's like the second thing on Monica. You sack someone to see him. Or I thought it's the... So get a fake... You beat your friend to death.

Yeah. Kill him. But like, obviously don't really. Right. In front of the whole prison. Okay, cool. Day one. Nice. In front of the whole prison. Okay, cool. Day one. It's like you find them in possession of like,

you know, a hot dog or something. A hot dog. That's the other thing. It needs to be like small phones, shivs and hot dogs. Like, yeah. Right, this guy had just this little tiny thing

and I've beat him to death. So imagine what I'll do to you if you've got a blower. What's that? Pokemon cards on Ward. Not Ward.ower. What's that? Pokemon cards on Ward. Not Ward. Ward. What is it? Wing. Wing three. Usually we

beat the shit out of him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave him in a puddle of his own blood. Clean yourself up you stupid cunt. He's dead. And get your mate and just get your mate to do that thing. Yeah. With it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's genuinely like good advice. Yeah.

Or pay someone and they go, listen lad, I'm going to fucking smash your head and put it as a one. A one. Yeah.

Or move to the Cotswolds and become a painter. Oh, other advice. The other advice is even though you've just got a job in a prison in Doncaster, move to the Cotswolds

and become a painter. The only problem with that is you'd just be surrounded by all those ex-prison guards from Donny that's the problem, it's saturated market innit if you go to the Cotswolds and use the beautiful view, you're fucking hell look at that hill

hey! you're driving a bus painted what would you do how would you assert dominance oh Kelly she come

what how would you assert dominance erm yeah I don't know if you're going to be able to get

your mate in what if there's you know pretty stringent rules get your mate to kill someone but I would yeah

so then he gets put in prison ah god he's a good mate this one isn't he pardon him yeah could you isn't he pardon him yeah did you get that power

pardon him do you know what you seem sound on your go and here's a free painting just a hobby I can't afford

property in the catswolds you'd be a fucker if you got your mate to kill someone and then he got sentenced and got sent to like

HMP Sheffield or something shout out Happy Valley first prison I thought of. Fuck me, Happy Valley was fucking amazing. Sounds like a kid's show though, doesn't it? All the porno.

Happy Valley, Happy Valley. Welcome to Happy Valley. Happy Valley, Happy Valley. Your daughter killed herself because of this guy. I haven't watched it yet. Right, that's not a spoiler. It isn't. I didn't know that.

You find that out in the first second. That's the premise. Did you know before you turned it on? It's not a spoiler, though, is it? Yeah. Catherine Kay Wood. Shout out. Is she in it?

Yeah. Oh, stop ruining it! You're ruining it, innit? It's about a policewoman. Oh, spoiler. Spoiler. Be the silent prison guard. You see someone smoking a pot doobie,

look the other way. Gain the respect by being one of them. Oh, that's interesting. Just be a bent screw. No. Yeah. No? Hey, what do you want?

I'll snick. What do you want? Bit bored in here. Don't worry about it. I've snuck you out. MB Games Connect 4. No, you're not bent. Have fun with that.

You just... That's what prisoners want, isn't it? It's choosing your blindness. Oh, I didn't see it. You know you did. You haven't done anything wrong. Now, where do you draw the line

on what you're not looking at? Someone's getting dry bummed. I don't know. Eddie Watney? Yeah, maybe not. I think bought me? Yeah, maybe not. I think a dry bumming suggests maybe not. Are you enjoying this? Hang on.

Let's kind of stop this. It's consensual. All right, carry on. Did you say, I think a dry bumming would suggest that he doesn't want it? Yeah. Why?

You don't get wet in your arsehole, do you? If you turn on. What? Bummers aren't like pusshole, do you? If you turn non. What? But most aren't like pussies, non. No, you're right. What do you think if you're a gay man about to make love to your partner that you might think,

I might, you know, lube this up a little bit? It depends on the situation. I mean, it'd be a weird touch for a gay guy to be like, it's not how God intended it. You can't get Lubin to prison Dan yeah

what really no yeah where's all this margarine going from the fucking canteen yeah just look the other way on the odd thing

and be like listen lad you know I saw that be cool or I'll smash it there you go I'd be mental

I'd just be like the slightly skitzy one no because you'd be dead within hours really you need to be able to trust you

alright if you're the screw that you can't trust you're gone you're dead you're dead you're a fucking skit mate he knows

he fucking knows they need to know what to expect from you whether that's like you know passiveness or aggressiveness it can't be both you can't play good cop

bad cop not on your own that's mental innit yeah but I think... Hey! No, I think... Listen, lad.

Just here to get to the truth. All right, lights out, everyone! Apart from you. And Cell 19. Then he's dead. You can keep the light. No, Cell 19's dead then. Just here to get to the truth, lad.

Do you know what I mean? I mean, like, let's help each other. You helped me find who actually did it. And then you're off, aren't you? So that's what we're here for. But was you what hey you're murdering cunts but if it wasn't like just trying to find out who actually did do it do you know I mean like don't want the wrong person to go down for this and they won't because it's going to be you I know you did it got you on video you little prick couple of questions couple of Got you on video. Couple of questions. It was it. Couple of questions.

Is this a prison officer? Prison, this is in. Or a detective? Detective. Because he seems to already be in prison and you're trying to solve the crime. No, he's not in prison. He's in jail, like being questioned.

Right. Can't play good cop, bad cop in prison, can you? Oh, I think you can. He's already been copped. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want a shower? You've only been copped. Yeah. Do you want a shower? Everyone's gone for a shower. Yeah, you go.

As soon as he gets his towel. Did I say you could have a shower? Like that. You didn't actually say you could have a shower. That's what it was meant to be. Yeah. You just didn't fear that everyone was having one. Yeah.

A lot like fucking Detective Screw, who's like, yeah, don't worry. Go to bed. You've already got 15 years. We'll solve this crime. It was you. We'll get you off. We're trying to get you off.

Even though you've already been fucking convicted. It's been 11 years behind about next year, boss. Harry, I reckon you're flying. Some people get convicted falsely. A lot of people, especially in the States.

Oh, yeah. And especially in Doncaster. people, especially in the States. Oh, yeah. And especially in Doncaster. Because of the pig scum. Oh, here we go. Planting evidence. Planting evidence. Hiding evidence. Planting evidence.

They just want the fucking... They just want the stats up, don't they? They don't care who goes down as long as someone does. Exactly. They're all numbers, man. Oh, 100%. They are. Good luck, Harry.

I think you're going to get murdered on day three of your new job you ever seen Lord of the Rings and Citizen of Dan oink oink have I top five film get in there

yeah he's a fucking bent yeah lawyer lawyer there you go numbers guys interesting fact about Lord of the Rings

here we go here we go were they the original roles Adam I don't know alright should we go and have they the original roles, Adam? I don't know. All right. Shall we go and have some lunch? Oh, shit, yeah.

I'm starving. Lunch. Good luck, Harry. You're going to get murdered in a prison. Don't listen to any of that advice. It's very dangerous. No, listen to my advice. Don't listen to Dan's,

because he's a fucking idiot. Bullet. Here we are. We are? What have you got? That's so horrible. Josh Jones is here! Sex toys everywhere, Josh.

We're sponsored... Get off my sex toy. We're sponsored by Love Honey. And they've sent us... They've sent us a lifetime supply of sex toys. You're meant to stick your willy in that. Not right now, kid. It feels...

Oh, it's like those... Do you know what you do when you were in school and you went to the zoo? Yeah. And then you have those things you can pop your finger in. Yeah. What, monkeys? The little snake thing?

Yeah, the monkeys. Josh, pass that. Listen to this. What do you do? You put your willy in there. Yeah. Has anyone used this? I haven't double-ended it.

Yeah, of course. Watch this. Listen. The noise it makes is horrid. Oh. Ooh. It's a bit like a slinky, isn't it? Oh, it's not.

Oh. Oh. Ooh. Hey. What else did they send you? A seven-inch dildo that could honestly be used to take down the wall in a house. There's one, though. There's one though. There's one that disturbingly

is just my cock. Yeah. The realistic one is just my cock. Did you send them photos? No, I would do that now though because now that I've seen it in dildo form, I'm really proud of me cock. Smooth it down.

I really like my penis. Do you like it? I like my penis. Are your penis proud? Yeah, I'm really proud of me cock. Smooth it down. I really like my penis. Do you like it? I like my penis. Are your penis proud? Yeah, I'm actually quite annoyed I can't get fucked by myself. It's a great one. That's a Kanye West quote, isn't it?

Is it? I think his one is... Is that Adam's? That's the real list I can't believe in it. It's heavy, by the way. It looks like, did you ever see Starship Troopers and then the big bald thing comes out at the end?

Did you see that in the 90s? And it comes out the tunnel. Did you ever see that? I mean, what are you doing with that? He knows what he's doing more than we do. That's the realistic one, Josh. This is my one. Welcome back to Dildo Chat.

I might as well just stay at home with all these. We've got so many. Like, it's such an... Like, if I was a gay man and someone pulled this out, I'd really enjoy sucking that. Yeah, that does look like a good one. Do you know what I mean? This one is...

No one wants that. No one wants that. We're trying to get Blue Peter badges or something. Blue Peter after that. But I, yeah, I'm actually, can I just put that down there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Scary, isn't it?

We've done so much dildo stuff. No, stop. Oh, please stop. We wonder why we get demonetised. We don't wonder at all. No, we don't wonder. Stop it. Is that how you would wank someone else off?

Interesting. Is that not a good way to do it? No. That's how I wank someone else off interesting is that not a good way to do it that's how I wank myself off if he's like circumcised like that you get one hand now that's pulled back alright okay

well pull it back and then I'd spit on it with one hand give it a little massage oh you're a bit of salt and pepper see that that's how women do it to me

but erm cause like I'm uncircumcised for now. It's getting chopped off soon because I've got too much cock for me foreskin. But I have me foreskin still on when I'm wanking. Does it hurt when you have...

What? What? I use me foreskin as like a... Slip and slide. Yeah. You leave it up the whole time. Until I'm coming and then I pull it all the way back

what what that is that is so rogue is it I've got no I've got no horse in this race

it's meant to be like move oh my god that is rogue isn't it he hasn't got one so he doesn't know it's nice that you're cock proud that's nice

are you a dick pic sender I'm from an era no not anymore I am I used to send sketches of my penis like it was a courtroom did he That's nice. Are you a dick pic sender? No, not anymore. I used to send sketches of my penis like it was a courtroom. Did he? When I started comedy, I was like, right, I should probably stop the... Oh, really?

Yeah. Your agent's got him on. My agent did have a conversation with me saying, have you ever done that? And I did tell him honestly there is an ex of mine did film was having sex and he told me he deleted it but he might not have done but it was like 10 years ago and he had a six pack so if it came out i'd retweet it and i'd pretend it was yesterday i'd be like oh this happened this week oh

the thing is though i think the days of a sex tape being like a career problem, especially for a comedian, are gone. Yeah. There's possible sex tapes will be out there. And I'd own that. I'd be like, yeah, I fuck, mate. Yeah, and people are going to be like, oh, what?

He be GB CCTV. But people will just be like, oh, he's funny and he can deep throat. What a villain like I'm not that bothered do you know what I mean yeah it ruined Pamela Anderson's life though

have you seen have you seen any of her the what Pamela Anderson when her sex tape got released oh is this her new Netflix special so I've watched Pam and Tommy on Amazon Prime

and I've watched the documentary as well it absolutely destroyed her life yeah it ruined her life yeah because it was a time when you know it was

it was starting yeah she was the first viral video we had having sex it got stolen from the house I mean that is awful yeah it's so

it's really hard to make comedy out of right now Josh Jones hasn't been in Baywatch though so it's fine but yeah I should do the reboot me on the beach

real I've just started swimming so I go swimming every morning every day? about four days a week, five days a week I try to do it when I wake up in my own bed I go swimming

so not when I'm travelling for gigs are you going to swim in your house? no, it's a leisure centre down the road so I either you have to book in advance

so I go at half seven or half eight in the morning oh wow and I've just graduated to the medium lane oh you said the adult pool

I go four days a week in the little one it's warmer but I was in the I was in the little one. It's warmer. But I was in the slow lane, but it was just me and all these old biddies. And there was this one woman, because I go with the goggles and the cap and everything.

I go all out. And then I could see this one old woman. She's about 90 and she's got proper old hair. I don't know how she's doing it, but she's not moving. Oh God. But she's floating. No, women can do that. Have you ever seen women do breaststroke?

Men go up and down, don't they? Women just go down. But her legs, her legs are like, it's like when you swim, you're like that way. She's still stood up.

I don't know how she's doing it. She's just walking. Honestly, from the top, it just looks like a top of broccoli just floating on the water. What's she doing in a lane, bro? There's a whole extra bit of swimming pool.

You can just meander around there with your mate. She's really sassy as well. She kicked off because someone backstroked into her. It was great. I loved it. Get swimming. Watch your strokes. I'm breaststroking at the moment.

Oh, and that's fine. Yeah. That's why you're the most comfortable one. Carl is literally I can feel him wanting to pull the trigger on all these jokes it's fine I can breast stroke

I can stroke a breast yeah that one I'm not that's too much work for me going in the morning do you know what I mean backstroke's backstroke's a bit triad innit

because you've got like butterflies triad oh butter heart butterflies for Olympic paedophiles that is a fact yeah I don't swim with me Backstroke's a bit triad, isn't it? Yeah. Butterfly's triad. Butterfly's for Olympic paedophiles. That is a fact. Yeah. I don't swim with my legs, me.

I don't use my legs when I'm swimming. I never... What are you talking about? So you don't swim with your toes? So you drown? What? What do you mean? I just use my arms. No, you don't.

That's impossible. No, it isn't. No, it is. That's what this old lady's doing. Her legs don't move. She's walking, Josh. I me arm. No, you don't. That's impossible. What with your shoulder? No, it isn't. No, it is. That's what this old lady's doing. Her legs don't move. She's walking, Josh. I never learned to use me legs. She does it in the deep end.

I watch her with me goggles. I honestly go just to watch her underwater. It's weird. You can't swim without your legs. I can. I've seen it happen. This old lady. I don't kick.

I never learned to do it so it's not I haven't got the habit just add them in octogenarian are you quick you can't be quick like almost made the Olympic team

right shut up do you want to watch I will yeah I'll shut up I'm talking shit I'd love to see that no I'm fairly slow

do you when you're on holiday do you do pencil diving or like diving diving what's pencil diving or like diving, diving? What's pencil diving? When you just go like a pencil.

Do you know what pencil diving is? Oh, I love a dive. I think there's something really, I just love. Do you dive like that though? Yeah, you're elegant. Oh no, I give it a proper try. I step in, I go on the stairs. How old are you?

It's just you and fucking no legs. But I'm enjoying it. You just get in and then it gets warmer as you get down. Swimming. Really? I like bombing me.

Yeah, same. What, just one of them ones? Yeah, I'll just like... If I'm going into a pool, I'm just like... Right. Oh yeah, that's bombing, isn't it? I don't know how that was.

For the audio listeners, Adam did exactly what you think he did Adam's never been swimming in a gym what Adam you've never been swimming in the gym then

yeah you're not if you've bombed into that pool you are out there's so many politics in a gym like I'm thinking like off a boat yeah

off a boat and then you swim into the sea I bomb off a boat and don't use your legs in the ocean can't you give me anxiety i've never heard to you i don't shoulder and two fucking legs i don't swim in the ocean though no i'm scared of sharks i was actually saved by a lifeguard once when i was on holiday in france with my family um i'm landlocked that was a weird thing we used to go

on caravan holidays to france and my dad took me we went to the beach and i swear i saw the shark and then i was like oh drowning and then the lifeguards are coming like proper push water out my chest i was only about five oh i know but like apparently when i woke up i was like there was a shark in the water they don't be like they definitely want i was like they is my aunt had to put me back on a lilo when i was four what i went to grand canary as this with my auntie yeah and my uncle and i fell off the lilo in the pool and i panicked and i've got a really vivid memory of it just picking me up and putting me back on the lilo

and everything was alright again your family's so odd Adam's drowning get back on the horse I got poisoned by a puffer fish when I was 16 in real life

come on here we go I've been stung by a jellyfish what? I've been stung by a jellyfish did you stand on it

on the beach? yeah yeah that's not the same is it? what is a jellyfish. They just stand on it on the beach. Yeah. Yeah, that's not the same, is it? What is a puffer fish? Is it the... It's a... Is it the fat one

in finding neem? Yeah, it starts small and then it... But here's a fact for you, Josh. It's full of water, not air. Yeah?

Yeah, because there's no air in the sea. You think it's full of air, don't you? No, you think it's full of air. No, when you're a kid. Yeah, I give you that. You're stupid, Carl. I give you that.

You got attacked by a puffer fish. I was in Turkey when I was about six or seven. We were on a beach and I went in the sea and I came back out and I was crying, going, I've stood on something and it's really hurting. Mum was like, you're fine, you're fine. Oh, you've told us this. Oh, have I? Yeah. All right, I just have an injection in my's really hurting. Mum was like, you're fine, you're fine. Oh, you've told us this.

Oh, have I? Yeah. Oh, right. I had to have an injection in my arse. That's the end of that story. That's what the doctor said. In the arse cheek. Where did it stab you?

In the arse cheek. No, it was on my foot, but apparently it was the quickest way to get it into me. I bet it was up your arse hole. Don't look, son. It's quite a meaty needle.

Are we playing up to Josh being here? I got attacked by a puff of fish. I've never had it in the ass. Have you not? Of course I have. Are you...

Absolute fucking pro, son. Four mornings a week when I wake up in my own bed. Josh, that's what I live for. Are you the postman or the postbox? We know this. No, I... Do we? Well, I'm actually quite a gifted

person i can do anything yeah yeah yeah he's a james no more being any role and i'll shine he's every royal male but yeah i would prefer to be penetrated all right just because it makes me feel like i'm precious is that how it felt for you i'm a a woman I love it But if I have to I can fuck Gay Adam? Yeah But I'd rather not You'd rather not?

I'd rather Like you know I like eye contact And you know Kissing Gay Adam Oh I want a ruling on this I want a ruling on this

I want a ruling on this this is from yesterday last week's patron I know what you're going to ask here it's not going to make any sense last week's patron right we were talking about

when you come when you come now Adam likes kissing we all like kissing I like missionary because I like kissing Adam really likes kissing but when you come

when you finally get to the point you're not still kissing are you? It's harder for a gay person to come while they're kissing, isn't it? Yeah, I do. If he comes and then walks off, I'd be like, hey, dickhead, back. No, no, no.

Whilst he's coming, he's kissing, during the emotion. That's quite difficult logistically for a gay person, isn't it? Because they're normally facing the other way. I like it when a woman's face no we're not we can face each other can you

yeah your arsehole an arsehole's only about that far away from a vagina I can bend my arse a bit more like that so missionary

yeah just ignore the tackle yeah I'd never really yeah Adam's learning I prefer gay missionary interesting we basically can do all the same positions no but no I'd never really... Yeah, Adam's learning. I prefer... Oh, game missionary? Interesting.

We basically can do all the same positions. And we can vote. We can do all the same. Vote. Vote. And swim. In a public pool. Matt.

Matt. Yeah, I like kissing while I'm coming. No, that's too much. You have to go to the free... No'm coming nah it's too much you have to go to the bathroom no I am is this too much oh no fuck it

I feel like Jack knows what I mean I like why why does Jack know because you've come and kissed at the same time Jack knows

we always kiss when I come I've actually yeah I kind of agree with you sometimes if we was coming at the same time.

The thing is with gays, you want to try and come at the same time. So that's like. Why? Because do you want a dick in your mouth if you've already come? I don't want a dick in my mouth. Do you go all hetero? Get that out of my fucking mouth. I've had my fun.

Fuck off. I'll see you at the leisure centre. Oh my God. So he's'll see you at the leisure centre. Oh my God. So he's trying to come at the same time. Do you ever like count it down? I'm quite good at like, I've got a special skill of being able to like hold off and then go for them.

So I kind of, I'm like, I just jump in when they're ready. It's like jump rope. Do you know what I mean? Have you got that control? Yeah. It's like gold. do you know what I mean have you got that control yeah it's like go

yeah oh nice I have no control like that because you've never had to learn it but I've well I've tried to

hang on can you not stop the lane how far down how far down the road are we you're about to go but can you not just go

but I think it's easier for me to stop it if I'm getting penetrated okay do you know what I mean But I think it's easier for me to stop it if I'm getting penetrated. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's easier to stop then? For me, I think it is, yeah.

Right. Yeah. Well, that's been a very informative section. Yeah. That's the bumming section. No, we don't know about gay sex. Why not? You can educate us.

Well, we do. We've spoken about it last time. He's been on before. We spoke about it in depth. It does feel like we've got a man hang on since we're last here we've learned nothing

about the gays so update us last time when I when I did your live show it wasn't filmed but I got pissed

on stage and was like is the only faggots in the crowd and there wasn't there was none no there was one

because I spoke to him on Instagram did you yeah he had nice hair I was to him on Instagram. Did you? Yeah, he had nice hair. I was telling him before. Oh, I remember this guy. He came to the bar. He came to the bar.

Yeah, we're not subtle, Josh. We get a guest on, we know what their strong points are, we go with them. We've got inquisitive minds, Josh, and you are the representative of all the gays. I'm asking my straight friends about straight stuff. What do you want to know?

I'll tell you. What do you want to know? What do you ask. Come on. What do you want to know? What do you ask? I guarantee you, whatever you want to know, be in there and done it, mate. Because as well, I think like people get a bit shocked

that because doing comedy, 95% of my friends are comics and most of them are straight blokes. But I think people wouldn't expect me to be as friendly with straight blokes. But most of my mates are straight. So I already ask loads of stuff. And they've been reluctant to say it.

I'm an open book man. I have a theory that I'm working on, but I feel like it could be quite offensive to straight people. No go on. I think that 70% of straight relationships are absolute garbage. Okay.

And the reason is because like straight people are conditioned to be like, so if your partner's pissing you off, you're like, oh, women. Or she's like, oh, men. Whereas if my partner pisses me off, it's not because he's gender, it's because he's a dickhead. So instead of just like going, no, they're a dickhead, you just blame their entire gender and then stay with them when actually you're not well suited.

That's my theory. I know what you're saying. I do understand your theory. But from my experience, all women are the same. Yeah. They've all got exactly the same problem. But I think you've just proved my theory. So because if you're straight

and you've grown up in a heteronormative society that's very like men, women, married, kids, you get stuck in that lane, you're less able to go, actually, you're shit. Because you've just funneled into an easy lane. And there's more timeframes frames on like you know eggs and stuff yeah having babies and that yeah so it's like people are just like oh i need to i've been with this person for three years i can't end it whereas i'd be like oh fuck them do you know i

mean but i think you're you're staying in stuff that shouldn't be stayed in i feel like i've just offended loads of people no No, you're right. I seen a thing this week that I loved. It was a fella who I think was on an episode of Rogan or whatever. And he was talking about how stuff being worse can sometimes be better for you. Because some people are in a relationship

that's a bit shit. But they go, oh, it's a bit shit, but it's not awful. So I'm going to stay in it. But they's a bit shit but it's not awful so i'm gonna stay in it but they're not happy but it's not bad enough or like a job for them to do exactly like it's just a bit ugh and it's not bad enough for them to do anything about it but if it was much worse they'd end that relationship or leave that job which would be better for them yeah so something being worse can be much better for you yeah mediocre, mediocre is just stifling all around, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, shout out all the couples who you absolutely know are in a fucking horrific relationship and you're going, guys, come on. Stop putting everyone through this. Yeah. There's loads of relationships where you're like, yeah, they're fine. They don't seem great.

Obviously you get some gay people in bad relationships, but I do think it's more, like, majority-wise, I think straight ones are worse, because gay ones don't last as long. Yeah. Well, I remember that, because I used to, when I used to go clubbing, we hung around with a load of gay guys from the gay scene.

We used to go clubbing to the hard house nights and whatever. And, like, that whole thing about, like, relationships in gay years. Yeah. Is a, like, we've been together three years, but obviously in gay years yeah is a like we've been together three years but obviously in gay years that's 12 yeah it's such a it's such a little inside a bit of trading that you've got to know that but like the young gay lads that were in our group of mates there was girls it was a you know there was a lot of us were like oh yeah that we've been together three years yeah but to a 22 23 24 year old, that's like, that's a lot of years.

It's like three years is my longest relationship. Why is that though? It's not because you're gay? Maybe because of exactly what Josh said. But as well, like now, I'm happy being single, but I'd love to meet the love of my life

and fall in love, but I'm not just going to settle for anyone. And he has to be like piss funny and dead smart and all that sort of shit. i'm not just gonna settle for anyone and he has to be like piss funny and dead smart and all that sort of shit i'm not just gonna get with any dickhead that's the right way to be i feel like i'm on this morning so you uh so genuinely like oh are you actually looking to meet someone or you just are you not are you just waiting to meet someone or are you just are you not

are you just waiting to see what happens so now because you know I'm living in London at the moment so now I'm living in London I've just turned 30

I'm living me Bridget Jones fantasy and I'm walking about it's like my life is a rom-com and I'm just going on a date with psychos

and I love it oh really are you leaning into the mentals well no I'm just enjoying like just having fun do you know what I mean on a date with psychos and I love it. Oh really? Are you leaning into the mentals? I'm just enjoying like, just having fun. I mean,

it's great. And then I love like walking about like with my shopping bags in central London and like see a red bus. I'm like, I'm in a movie. I feel like I'm living a film. It's so cool. It's so cool. It's so brilliantly normal.

I've got like a cool job. Like I could do whatever I want with me life. Me flat's nice. I'm just running about. And he's like, Red buses and a binning Zara. And I'm like, this is great.

I've just got an image of Josh in the middle of Trafalgar Square with his Aldi bags like, look at me. I'm living. I'm living. Did you have to get the tube to get it yeah never mind that

so where about in London did you live so I just moved the first year was a bag of shit I was living in an house share

with a capoeira instructor with a what it was it's like a martial arts dance no it's not it's like martial arts

dancing it's fucking it's dance fighting It's like martial arts dancing. It's fucking dancing. It's dance fighting. It's a lot of that. But he had bongos in every room, so he was playing bongos in the house all day and it was an absolute nightmare. Every room.

Can we get him on as a guest? I think Adam would love him. It was crazy. And he was a nice guy, but I just couldn't take the bongos anymore. And I think, I thought I was quite a nice person, but then I felt I was quite a nice person but then I felt

I was just coming across too northern because I was like just pull yourself together this is crazy put the bongos away stop dance fighting but now I've got

an alright flat and I quite like it actually do you have a flatmate again one flatmate but he's my mate so it's fine

that's good yeah it's nice no bongos no bongos it's quite clean people are coming. Yeah, it's nice. No bongos? No bongos. It's quite clean. People are coming round and doing roasts. I'm cooking. I've got like, I'm living me a little fantasy.

It's nice. Look how happy you are. I love it. It's great. Yeah, because I'm probably going to move back home in a couple of years. So I'm just enjoying it while I'm there. And I do genuinely feel like Bridget Jones. I'm not even joking.

Is there any musical instrument that you feel would improve your housing situation if your flatmate would take it up like if he took up the harp would you be alright with that no well my current housemate

I live with now is a musician but he can actually play and it's not the bongos so it's like a piano and guitar and that's quite fun he's got a piano in the house

a keyboard oh yeah DJ so what's that dictionary So it's like a piano and guitar and that's quite fun. It's got a piano in the house? Keyboard. Oh. Yeah. DJ! Sound good with that? Dictionary! And I can play a little bit.

I can play the first bit of the Titanic song. I can play Imagine. I know we learned that in the- Yeah, the music. Yeah. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. That's all I know. We learned that in music constantly. You heard Imagine before? Yeah. Have you? da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Do you know what? After a gig and you need to bring yourself down, I'll put Susan Bailon on the train

and just zone the fuck out. Where's she gone? She's just... Do you know what? She did a house tour for Heat magazine the other week or whatever on YouTube. And it was just a house that she grew up in. Very humble.

I liked it. Does she still live there? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. She's just having a great life, really. I suppose so. Does she look any different? No. Oh, God. Yeah. She's just having a great life, really. I suppose so. Does she look any different?

No. So she's just done, she's just gone back to her normal life. She's like, yeah, I'm a great singer. She must feel better than Buddy. Does a couple of albums a year. Yeah, I think she'll do the odd tour. She looks well different.

She's having a laugh. She's got an haircut and put some mascara on. Yeah, that's what I mean. But it's not like, oh, man. Subo. It's not not like, oh my God, it's like Catherine Zeta-Jones. No, she looks exactly the same. She's had a new haircut. Made Subo get it though. She looks better than Lewis Capaldi.

They're from the same place, aren't they, I think. Scotland. No, but the same part of Scotland, you dickhead. I love Lewis Capaldi. Of all the musicians that I would love Lewis Capaldi on that couch. He's so funny.

I DM'd him when I was drunk and asked him. What? Did you slide into Lewis Capaldi's DM? Yeah, he hasn't really. He's actually like

the only celebrity who is, do you know when they're like, oh, you're funny, you should be a comedian. He's actually one of them. He actually do you know when they're like oh you're funny you should be a comedian he's actually one of them he actually could do it

yeah tweet him tweet him everyone who's listening to this tweet Lewis Capaldi and all the tigers in it and say get on have a word

go on go on harass that musician he'll do it eventually no he's got management looking after the socials first then and stuff no he does a lot of it himself doesn't he

yeah that video of him in a tracksuit I watch that every time I'm hungover like really hungover I watch it I like fucking

class man they're giving a tracksuit for doing like a a photo she's like green and blue it's so funny he's just a normal guy who's a very good singer

isn't he yeah he's the one that we're at the channel for comedy awards and he's won whenever I see him win something.

It's got a bit of a, you know, they can be pretty up their own arse, can't they, music awards. He just comes across as dead fucking sound,

a little bit on the piss and just good at what he does and appreciative. Nice, nice way to pitch it. Whenever you've got Buckfast, a music award,

I think you're winning, aren't you? Are you excited for the awards this weekend? You are aren't you are you excited for the awards this weekend you are love are you excited for the awards

well by now we know if we've won or lost so we've done a reaction to both yeah a very gracious but I just mean the day

I'm fucking I'm not up for anything but I've managed to wing myself in a ticket so I'm just gonna sit there I think there's a potential

phenomenal piss up happening after this awards, you know, because I know some of the names that are going down. I didn't realise you were there. Ishan, Alfie, there's some fucking good eggs.

Obviously Adam's not drinking so that's, and we respect that. Josh, I expect you to stand up and scream if we win. Yeah, well, I do like it. How's your pod going? Nice one.

It's good. We've not done some for a couple of weeks because I've been a bit busy. Is it with... It's supposed to be every week, but sometimes, you know, and... What's it Cherubs? Chatting with Cherubs.

Chatting with Cherubs. Me and Morgan Rees. It's really fun, actually. It's just a bunch of gays that listen. It's quite nice, actually. Because Morgan does very well, doesn't he? He he's bisexual and oh he's a fucking whore oh he's a phenomenal looking guy funny guy do you know what he's supporting me on tour at my southwest states just so i can look at him do you know what annoys me we've been friends for like seven years me and

morgan and i genuinely thought I was the fit one. And then, now that everyone wants to jump on his dick, I'm livid and I wouldn't have done a podcast with him. Why is he a whore? What do you mean? Oh, just because. Have you seen his Instagram? No.

Oh, he's begging for the dick. His photos are so dirty. Whether or not, it's like, he'll do like a topless photo on his stories but I've been swimming every day so in a couple of months I'm gonna so follow me

get some dick pics oh here we go here is his Instagram page it's very sound it's very sound I mean oh there it is

oh my god yeah oh you young bear oh you fucking young bear oh look at him oh he's yeah oh you young bear oh you fucking young bear oh look at him oh he's definitely going for it

to be fair yeah I'd have a go he's like he's one of my best friends so but I

but I was friends with him when he was fat so I'll always see him fat and I back down you you can lose all the weight you want I yeah I genuinely thought I was better looking back down you you can lose all the weight you want I

yeah I genuinely thought I was better looking and then when you read but we both get a lot of DMs actually but because I used to joke a lot about it but he gets a load of like skinny little twinks being like come fuck me Morgan the guys that message me want to wear me skin

it's intense it is wild I had this priest for ages who just wouldn't leave me alone priest or vicar a vicar kept wanting to drive me to all my gigs no petrol money he kept saying that all around the uk to all my gigs it's a good deal did you do any no i didn't everyone in there. If I get in his car, I'll wake up the next day and the police will be like, what the fuck did he expect?

He's a man of God. If you want to be the talking, like the talking point of the whole circuit, keep turning up to comedy gigs with a fucking vicar as your driver. Are you mad?

I don't, oh my God. I can't believe you haven't done this. This is an opportunity. Got in the car with a stranger. Yeah. Yeah, vloggy. You in the car with a stranger. Yeah. Yeah, vloggy. You're not a fucking eight-year-old child who's been lured with sweets.

This is a vicar's dick we're talking about. Yeah. I am. Is it? I'm very easy to attack. I don't know why. I look vulnerable. I've lost weight.

Thank you very much. You should have done this with the story alone. I'm not putting I've lost weight. Thank you very much. You should have done this with the story alone. I'm not putting my life in danger for 300 followers. He's not a murderer. He's a vicar. Yeah, he won't leave me the fuck alone.

Yeah, you share your location with a dear friend. Do it with me. Share your location with me and I'll keep an eye. I can't believe you two think that I should get in his car. Get in his car.

Snap a camera onto the windscreen and vlog it all it'll be fucking hilarious this is the first car do you know what I mean you fuck your way up the ladder you'll be you'll be sitting in the little

glass one with the pope yeah my son have you got the gig in Middlesbrough brilliant but I yeah

but I can afford Ubers I know but you can afford free as well yeah I'd just drive it you're telling me if there was an Uber option right But I can afford Ubers. You can afford free as well. Yeah, I just drive it. You're telling me if there was an Uber option, right, on Uber, and it was free and it was driven by a vicar, you wouldn't click that one?

No, I'm not bothered that he's a vicar necessarily. It's the fact that he was messaging me every day being like, where do you live? I'll drive you to all your gigs around the country. No petrol money. You don't think that's a bit... No. I think it's an opportunity. You think that's like, all right,

cool, get in the car. There's a fucking fuel crisis, mate. Jump on. Yeah. Well, there's a few years ago.

We might not be, might be a bit old for him now. Text him. That's disgusting. Watch his Instagram. I'll message him. He can drive me. Honestly,

just for just one time. We'll come with you. We'll do a little patron special I'd rather not Dan would you suck a vicar off and lift a daggingham okay

where's the blowjob coming from daggingham as well what gig am I doing in daggingham are you gigging down in London no I'm gigging in

really one of the rough bits in east east London I'm guessing this vicar has ulterior motives with Josh well he saw me at a gig in Yorkshire.

And then when I got off stage, all the comics were like, everywhere, that was great. The vicar loved it. And there was a vicar at the back of the room. Do they wear the thing? What? Yeah, the dog collar. Yeah, yeah.

Shaking his keys. But he's just one of the, yeah, I got a lot of creepy. So I mentioned recently on an episode of this that a girl had just put in me DMs, Daddy. Obviously I ignored her. I've had several men now just message me Daddy. Yeah, I'm getting a few of those.

Daddies. They do banter. Then there's like a paragraph. You, I'd love you to fuck me. I get a lot of like oh I like your comedy and I'm like oh thank you

and then it's just a dick pic I'm like straight to the point how do you feel about unsolicited dick pics as a man because I know a lot of women

don't like it I don't really I'd rather not see it yeah it's never anyone's who I'm like oh great where's your postcode

I'll get around now he's always one like are you okay see a nurse and a dildo pick that's more sinister really if it's just a picture of that on its own yeah like but this is not a cock this is just a piece of plastic so if i was single if i was to send a lady a picture of that is that any more offensive than sending a picture of this yeah they're both offensive it's not offensive it's just a piece of plastic it's recycling if anything love if i'm sending a picture of an axe or a dildo both of them okay more than this yeah which bell shall I send

we need to get a dildo when you press the bell it makes the bell ring have you have you

sent sent willy pics what have you sent dick pics only ever

solicited yeah yeah and I haven't done it for a few years this story I have told

before but I sent a picture to a girl who lived in Aberystwyth on snapchat and she screenshotted it and i was like why has she done that is she like trying to get nudes of me because i'm a

comedian yeah i was like oh well she there's no way to show it's mine because it was taken from like yeah but in the background uh on my uh bedside table was a picture of my mum. Mumma like that. Mumma like that. That's half of it. So it was either me or my dad, wasn't it? And what would around the head like be? Or your brother. Someone could have broke into your house. And took a dick break on the bed.

I love that. I was hacked. Have you seen the girl who's stuff in her bedroom kept getting moved around for like six months? I love that. I'm attacked. Have you seen the girl whose stuff in her bedroom kept getting moved around for like six months? She didn't know why, so she put a camera in

and homeless people were breaking into her house. I know, it was the smell. It was the smell. She kept coming back into her student's, I can't remember what uni it was, but she was on the ground floor

and they kept coming back after nights out and she'd be like, guys, I'm not even joking. There's a fucking smell in my room. Which obviously the first few times, the rest of the housemates are going to be like, what's your fucking shit, dude?

But yeah, she put cameras up and three homeless people were coming up having a gangbang. Constantly. Can you imagine the first time she watched that? Saying that in post now on a podcast going

yes that's like one of those mental things that happen when you've been trying to figure out what that is and you're just

watching going I'm telling you someone's doing something and then three homeless people walk in and gang bang and leave and you're just

going to look at your house and it's like the fuck's going on why my room every time why why did they choose room four yeah it was a window bro did they get him i'm guessing the other way to like get him because uni flats i suppose you can get in the entire place and then i'm guessing i think it's i think i look the the way it read was it was a shared, a sort of shared house set up. She's obviously just not been very security minded.

What a first watch that would be. I've got the footage. Oh, oh God. Oh no. Not on Graham Graham's blanket. You'd have to be in the house then. Homeless people.

Not with them in it. I wonder if he did, was it free gay homeless? No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Are you sure? I watched the video. He looked pretty gay. Was it free blow?

Yeah. I thought it was a woman as well. No, it was three men. Oh, if it were three men, I wondered if they did the full thing. I wondered if they used the sink, did a bit of douching and everything. Oh, yeah.

I don't want to stereotype. Look, I want to say, first of all, homelessness is a massive problem. It's contributed to by a Tory government. I'm ever a passer-by and I've got some money, I give them some. But they don't fucking douche. I'm not sure douching an arsehole is top of a homeless man's priority.

If we had a Labour government, there'd be douches for gay guys on the street, bumming in fucking Sarah's student room. But if you did, if you, because say they needed to keep using the same room. Yeah. They probably would douche,

because that'll help give rid of evidence. Do you know what I mean? If you don't douche. You're so pro douche, aren't you? You're very pro douche. I just feel like everyone should do it, but I just feel...

I've got a toilet that douches me now. A bidet? It's not a bidet. It's a Japanese toilet seat. It does the job of a bidet. It's a robot sex worker. That's what it is. Do you enjoy it?

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's the best thing that you'll ever own in your entire life. Sometimes I don't even go to use the toilet. I just go to squirt me arsehole. Yeah, he's having to keep his flat address really quiet from homeless people

because they'll be right in there. Where the fuck's Carl gone? They're going for a douche. Yeah. You can't mention anything to do with sex. Oh, was that from love or nef? Of course it was.

Where else would you get your sex toys from? You'd get them from love, honey. And use the code word 20. Can we have the one that's not been used? Do you know what that's getting used for can you read

oh my god can you read the label I'm straight I'm cured Josh can you read out the label please um um that's so funny sensor cleaner Josh can you read out the label please um um

that's so funny sensor cleaner no anus we use it to clean our cameras douches oh to get rid of the dust

yeah oh so you just yeah ah it's a lovely contraption but is that did that sticker come when you bought it

or did you did you print this out? Have you, hang on, have you printed on one of the Love Honey douches? Don't use this for anyone's anus because we use it for cameras. Love Honey don't just sell sex toys, they also sell camera equipment. It says

camera sensor, no anus. Word something. What's the code for Love Honey's day? Word 20! 20% off all your orders of sex everything go and get yourself

an Adam Roe cock and we'll see you after the break I was saying before I do use one of the things you've advertised the manscape I told you I already used that

yeah you do you've been using it a few years you said before you this squat over there this one catch it oh my god oh no he is gay

but I had a razor on it shut up there's no nicks with manscaped I erm but I use it on me bum hole as well shave your pubes

use it on your bum hole I use a gillette on me bum hole throw it at your gay friends what do you just use a razor razor on your bum hole that's insane

we've said this before it's wild that is that's dangerous I've done that once and it didn't end well but I cut myself well I've done it

a lot of times and it's always fine but I no I put a mirror on the floor squat over it with this great

so you've seen your own arsehole oh look yeah weekly yeah and if you haven't got a mirror Reminisce Just ask the vicar

Moisturise it What? I've got a skincare for my bum I moisturise my knob now I started this year You moisturise your bum hole? Yeah so I have

I have a skincare for my face And then I put some on the top of my arms And then I put a little bit on my bum cheeks and my bum cheeks and my bum ring oh bum ring oh just a little bit

just a little do you rub it in yeah well don't just let it fucking clog up that way just someone gets there

they just white blobs and is yours more moist than the average bum hole no I've properly rubbed it in no I'm saying it's like do you feel the effects I don't know I don't really know if it. No, I'm saying it's like, do you feel the effects? I don't really know if it's making a difference or if it's just in my head,

but I feel good and I quite like me bumhole. Oh. Stop. Yeah. It makes a difference. Have you ever done the bleaching? Have you ever done the bleaching?

No, I've not bleached I want to bleach mine I need to think about it I think so Like a Romanian In the football team Yeah 2002

Shall we have a break Yeah Shall we have a break Yeah Let's have a break The final section Lots of punch Lots of energy

Come on Tips and tea I haven't had coffee For three days It's starting to get to me I haven't had sugar In hardly anything He likes me a lot less

Without caffeine I never have caffeine Well I have like Fizzy drinks Does that count? No I don't have like Hot drinks though Not like a cup of tea I occasionally have caffeine. Well, I have like fizzy drinks. Does that count? No. I don't have like hot drinks though.

You don't? Not like a cup of tea? I occasionally have Bovril and I like an Arlix and that's about it. Oh, Arlix. When you walk around London like I'm just living me dream

with a Bovril and me Aldi bags at Buckingham Palace. This is my route back from Big Shop. Adam, get your sugar through your fruit. Make grapes. Heavy. I fucking put it in grapes. I just don't want to eat anything until Friday

because I want to look skinny on the red carpet. Great. Adam's going to pass out on Channel 4. We've won, Adam. Oh, he's gone. I've been eating well. I'm just having two meals a day. Have you been dieting?

Yeah. I did like a... a three days i did a juice fast so they send all this stuff for your house and it's supposed to be two soups and a smoothie so you have the smoothie and then um the the two soups and then i was like right so i started it on the Monday and I waited for months. I was like, it's a gig where a week where I wasn't traveling for gigs. I was like, I can do it in this week. Cause Sophie Willing told me she did it and she lost like six pounds. So I was like,

right, I'm going to fucking do it. Started on the Monday, on the Tuesday, I had a massive cry breakdown and I didn't have those. I did one full day and I was like, this is awful. So I don't recommend last night

I made sugar pit bacon chops I suppose they've got sugar in and I made roast potatoes and a bit of cabbage it's in the name isn't it and then he had a

crying order on this pod occasionally we do something called underrated overrated where we have where we throw something up for suggestion, overrated, where we have, where we throw

something up for suggestion and you put your two penneth in, whether you think it's underrated or overrated. Simon Hope says, wag wag lids, is having a naked poo overrated or underrated? I don't think it's rated, is it? No.

It's not rated at all. There's no like general consensus as to whether that's a good or bad thing to do. So it can't be overrated or underrated. Next question. I feel like I get poo all over myself. Someone go and get in my fucking breath. What are you doing? What are you doing?

No, but then you would get poo on your clothes. No, I just feel like I get poo everywhere. I'm more slippy, do you know what I mean? What? Why? I'm more exposed. I feel like the poo would be everywhere. Right.

Because if you were naked, you'd just start rubbing Well I know I told you I know somebody Who used to get naked For the perfect time Even in public Fully head to toe naked

It's absolutely fucking stupid Here's the thing What even socks Yes Yeah It's Josh So he'd go into like A Max and Spencer's toilet

Take his socks off Yeah Folded Yeah He did it in wave You can use that. No, he didn't. Give it a ding.

His name was Filth. Yeah, come on. Filth was his name. Absolutely Filth. Come on, he can't. He can't. He did. He did.

He's not messing. Apparently some people do it. We had this discussion on pod and then people emailed in and tweeted us going, yeah, I do that as well. Oh, I know someone who does it. They're mental.

Here's a question. What, does he get like a candle out and everything and just make himself comfortable? No, he literally just wants to poo naked. It's stupid, but some people do it. I've got a question. If you were going for a poo, you've just had Marks and Spencers toilet,

which I love a Marks and Spencers toilet. I need to poo on the streets as well, but not the street, but like, when I'm out and about, sometimes I just need to go. You know what I and i will i will find somewhere that i like marcus spencer's in liverpool well we travel loads so we're pooing on the go yeah just constant if you had a jacket on yeah would you take it off in the toilet and train station because i have because they have me backpack because going to gigs and stuff and in that I have my Andrex wipes

because I'm not just using toilet paper because I'm not a fucking animal. And then so I have my Andrex wipes and I hang my coat up and my bag.

Do you know why you take your coat off? You don't want to get poo on your coat. You've told me before you keep your coat on. No, I haven't. You have?

Only to stop him rubbing poo on himself. No, I think he's... Always take my coat... If you poo with your coat on, you're going to get poo all over the back of your coat. I know.

But that's not... See? It's not what's coming out of me. It's more the back of the toilet seat that strangers have been using. I just feel fucking stupid with me cock out and me coat on.

I think, yeah. I think jacket off is international rules, isn't it? Yeah. Jumper's fine, but anything that's like hangy, you're going to get poo all over that. Jacket? with me cock house and me coat on I think yeah I think jacket off is international rules isn't it yeah jumper's fine but anything that's like hangy you're gonna get poo

all over that Jack pooed in the bath last night quite a moment with his coat on just stood up stood up and looked at me

and went poo and I was too I was too he went poo I was like I was like do you need a poo

and then he went poo and he dropped one of the He went, poo. I was like, do you need a poo? And then he went, poo. And he dropped one of the illest looking shit. Do you know afterwards when Laura went, you should have just caught it. I was like, well, there's so many problems with that, Laura. I'm not doing a fucking NFL dive to catch it. Apparently, if he does that, she goes, don't worry, love,

and then catches it. That's true love. I just let it happen wow then I got him out of the bath and he went mum but then he's gonna grow up

thinking every time he shits his mum's just gonna be like no worries well he's gonna know that his dad's not I just went it was great there's no way

that I'm catching my kid's shit no I love that kid so fucking much you're just gonna like fish in there show it dead easy fish in there just get a this is what you have to do this is the rules so the poo in the bath is international rules for being a parent it means everyone in the house

has to mobilize because you have to get the kid out there's now poo in the bath it's horrible you've got to move quickly but he managed to do it all his toys were at one end and he was at the other he stood up went poo oh poo and then dropped it so I quickly just lifted him out

and he was at the side and he went because every time it happens I go Laura Laura poo in the bath right

she wasn't in she was collecting etta from her mate's house so Jack so Jack Jack went Jack went, Jack went, mum, mum,

look, look, mum, look. And he didn't understand where she was. So he's like out on the landing going, mum, look,

look. That's what you're shouting for. Look at this. I've got an absolute belt in here, love. You fucking, you didn't catch this one, babe. Bev, look at this shit I've got an absolute belt in here, love! You fucking, you didn't catch this one, babe! Bev, look at this shit.

Fucking great. Really well done, kid. Did you just fish it out? No, so this is what you do. You have to, like, because he pooed at one end, I took him out and then quickly took the toys out before the particles get up, right? Which is a bit skanky.

I was at one piece now. Right, it was one piece, but you've got to, there's poo particles at play in there right so you have to stand him there the first problem is him so i've got to get toilet roll give his bum a quick wipe that goes in the toilet then you don't want to be getting like a floating plop so you just let all of the water out let it drain and then get a piece of tissue get the plop oh it's so poo-based, it's unbelievable.

Last night I just watched the telly with some... I'm just going to see to it that it's not a shit and so. I didn't think drain in the bath first. I would have. Yeah, yeah, same. I would have just gone for the... Then you've got to get the...

We've got a shower, but we've also got one with the shower head. Then you've got to rinse it all, and then a bit of, not bleach, but a bit of sift but like bit of sift bit of sift round the back

it was just the way he went he just looked at me like stood up and went oh poo oh poo can he talk now he can say poo mormon look

mormon look poo look mormon poo look look mormon poo he's also

starting to weirdly he's learning to speak but he has a Chinese accent for a lot of words Look! Look, man! Poor! He's also starting to, weirdly, he's learning to speak, but he has a Chinese accent for a lot of words, which I'm not teaching him. He can't say water without sounding racially like he goes, water? He's like,

water? Water? Juice? Water? Water? Juice. It's great. it's so good what if it turns out that he's Chinese well actually

I'm thinking what if he grows up to be Chinese do you remember that woman on GMTV we know them all just what he went

about on the air the foreign accent syndrome yeah yeah oh it's the greatest thing ever yeah it's so funny

you always get weirdos on the internet who accuse me of putting this on like do you know can i tell you when i first worked with you you know when you were at salford uni yeah i compared one of your first ever games yeah yeah i went i i'm not trying to be offensive because we're mates now and I love your stand up but I was like he needs to tone that the fuck down and then you also I don't know if you still do it

in your stand up but you right from your first gigs you had the bit where you're like I'll fucking kill you yeah but I I was like

he like I get he might be gay but he needs to I thought you were putting it on no but a lot of comics and then they're like no no you just then you you hang out with you like well i am but yeah a lot of people if any abuse i get online is always you're putting your voice on but i went to school sounding like

this do you know i mean i didn't get back from my first day of high school and think that one hard enough go back into mana try this so yeah you get people and then if you google it Josh Jones comedian one of the things that comes on is disability and people have heard my voice and assumed I'm disabled oh god bless he's had a car crash he's crazy

he's got a gay voice syndrome people are like oh he's just putting it on which I wouldn't do because now we know as well, a lot of comedians do all the voiceovers for adverts and I've been told my voice is too distinctive to sell stuff. And the money that they're getting, I'd do prison time for. What could you sell, love?

Honestly, I think it's distracting if anything. No, but it's more than that. I've done auditions for voiceovers for like reality TV and stuff and then they send you, they send you the, like the person doing it

with like a generic novel, like a generic accent and then I go in like, look at Sally, the daft bitch. And it just like makes everything just too stupid. You can't control.

Because I can't do anything with this voice. Why? Because honestly, I used to want to be a detective. But imagine me delivering bad news. I would. Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Smith, but your husband's dead. No one's going to be listening. I'd pay my TV license to watch.

Terrible news. He's fucking dead. No one's going to be listening. We've got license to watch terrible news. He's fucking dead. Josh, I would pay my TV license to watch you become a television detective. Well, oh, because I've been thinking this. That's not the compliment you think it is. I would pay the thing that I already should pay.

I don't have television in my house. The fella came in the day and knocked on the door with the letter. I didn't answer because I was going to be arsed. Postman. We've seen, we're coming to your house. I was like, come in. If you can turn the telly on,

I'll pay. Fucking daft swat. Back to Josh. Happy Valley. I think he won't pay any direct debits. I love it. Happy Valley,

Sally Wayne, right? She wrote Happy Valley, Scott and Barry. Spoiler alert. Loads of the absolute best ones. God, wasn't it good? Don't you think it'd be great if she'd write a detective one for me and then I have like

an older cop, so I'm like the new cop and then me and Mick Fenner. Wouldn't that be the best TV show you've ever seen? Why are we waiting for this? It's an odd couple Northern and we'll call it

really happy valley yeah just me and Mick going out to Oldham yeah that'd be great solving crime in liquid

if it's still open or something like that I'd love that Tokyo's yeah I've been to Tokyo's yeah I've had a great night out in Tokyo's

fucking massive Oldham's one of the most mental nights out yeah the fucking land. Yeah, it's awful. I wouldn't go there now. I'm scared for my life. But I went college there. Yeah.

What did you study? Drama. Yeah. When I was there, I did Oldham College's Got Talent. I did. I saw that. But I lost to a guy who did a rap about his dead mum. Dead mum?

Yeah. So you're not going to win that high really Edinburgh Festival Oldham College it always works what did he say to a beat yeah I can't remember the lyrics but I just remember the sentiment his mum were dead

and I didn't win a cape second got 75 quid what did you do I did a sketch I can't remember. I came second. Got 75 quid. What did you do? I did a sketch. I can't remember if that was a holiday. I used to do sketches before I did stand up. And it was either me as a bitchy NHS receptionist, or it was I used to put pseudocrem on my face

and pretend I was a sperm, and then I would smash an egg on my head. So it was one of them two. Second place. Second place. Second place. Who was third? Who was third?

So just to clear up. So just to clear up. Overrated or underrated naked poos. I don't mind a naked poo, yep. I don't like a naked poo.. I don't like a naked poo. No, I think... I just feel too exposed. Like, they say the worst time to get burgled

is while you're pooing. The worst time to get burgled is while you're pooing naked, innit? Yeah, that's a great point. Or the best, if you approach them naked whilst pooing, they're leaving, you know, it's probably hard to... If I was getting burgled while someone... If I was pooing while someone burgled me,

I would throw my shit at them. I think a burglar would get... I think a burglar would get, I think a burglar would be a bit thrown off if you ran at them naked. No, I think you go overly sexual with a burglar. Yeah. Come here, you're in a porn scenario. Yeah, he breaks in.

Pull his kegs out and go, come here. You'd be like, I left that door unlocked for a reason. I've been waiting for you, you dirty. You actually suck him off, Carl. You go to suck him off and he goes, oh my God, what the fuck? you dirty you actually suck him off Carl you go to suck him off I thought you actually sucked him

off this will show you no but you go overly what if he's into it then you just have to do it don't you

I'm a man of my word when you're distracting him though as you're sucking him off you're ringing the police with the other hand

Rhys Williams says underrated overrated fast foods can we start with McDonald's I reckon it's bang on rated McDonald's breakfast

overrated as fuck I like yeah same here and the other ones are more McDonald's is McDonald's breakfast

is overrated as fuck it is yes I don't not like it. I like it. But like this thing, people are like, oh, I'd love to be able to get up before half ten

and make it for Mackey's brekkie. No. That's pretty quaint. It's not that good, is it? No, it isn't. It's not as good as Bold Street coffee. Hey, but this is why I always go,

like, I don't live near Bold Street and we don't have a cafe that good near us. If I could drive with a hangover to Bold Street Cafe and just drive next to it

and have them in four fucking minutes give me that level of breakfast, like, I would hold McDonald's in a lower regard, but it's that,

that's also part of it, isn't it? Yeah, but so you're prioritising convenience? That doesn't but it's that. That's also part of it, isn't it? Yeah, but prioritising convenience, that doesn't mean it's good. Exactly. The service they're offering is part of the rating. Do you not just deliveroo stuff, though? Now I don't really go anywhere.

You shouldn't be delivering breakfast anyway. It gets called very quickly. McDonald's is solid because you can trust it everywhere in the world. You're in a city you've never been. You know Mackey's is solid. Mackey's breakfast is good. It's like three and a half stars.

Yeah, I agree. Burger King. Shite. Josh, not asked? I don't know if I've had it much. Burger King is putting service stations in airports because they only get customers by trapping them. Oh no, Burger King is where I go where I can't find a McDonald's. Exactly.

So, overrated I think because people do kind of like it. I like the chicken fries, they're good. I go where I can't find a McDonald's. Exactly. So overrated, I think, because people do kind of like it. I like the chicken fries. They're good. I'll get Slate for this, but the veggie stuff's better than Mackey's. Chili cheese bites are good, actually. Chili cheese bites are good in there.

It's actually the best place in the world. I've only just... Burger King! I've only just started eating meat again properly because I was a veggie for years and now I've not tried burger king's burgers yet so that the what the beef in baking just the beef without anything else is better than the beef in mcdonald's all right yeah yeah like the actual composition of the burgers in mackie's is better

why just had a break for moral reasons and i kind of started about in lockdown. I ate meat and then for like a week. And then from then, I've just gradually been having secret food. But I was a vegan and a veggie for ages. But then I got offered a job, a telly job. And they were like, do you eat meat? And I hadn't had meat in about seven years and i said yeah i wanted the money and because i can't get any work with this voice yeah so then i was on tv in like steak fries and then i remembered how good it was and then now i'm just finding it quite

difficult and i do think as well obviously you can have a dead good healthy balanced diet being a veg but you have to prepare loads at home and i'm never home so it's just easy and vegan shite okay yeah i love it but yeah i really like it well that was one of the foods because then i ate meat for that week and then didn't eat meat for like another year and then a couple of months ago i had kfc and then didn't eat meat for like another year. And then a couple of months ago, I had KFC, and then I had meat for a year, and then that wasn't good for my stomach. And I had to get off the train. I was doing a gig in Birmingham,

and I had to get off the train in Milton Keyes because I was like, I'm going to shit my pants. It was awful. And I ran to the toilet, and I only had like two bits of Andrax wipes in my bag left and there was no toilet roll in the train. Oh, I was going to say, why didn't you do a poo on the train?

Because there was just one Pret-a-Manger napkin and I was like, this is awful. So then I had to get off in Milton Keynes and I was there for a good hour and a half. KFC, I like the flavour of, but I do have to like set a timer of 46 minutes. Until it, I'm going to the toilet. When I tried to eat healthy for the start of the year do have to set a timer of 46 minutes until I'm going to the toilet

when I tried to eat healthy for the start of the year I lasted 10 days I went for a slim chickens just because I was starving

there's something about fried chicken when you've been trying to eat healthy it hits your stomach hard it's just amazing

and the gravy you can just drink the gravy but I don't think it's overrated or underrated. I think KFC is held up where it needs to be held up. I think KFC goes at a level with Mach-E's. I think they're both different moods. I get rinsed a lot for how much I love Subway.

Oh, Subway was next. I fucking live for a Subway. I have it about three times a week. Go for the veggie as well. Yeah, I like Subway. I like veggie. Yeah, I'm not on. It's just so under.

Subway, recently, like the pork, like any pork it's just so under recently like the pork like any pork in there just makes me feel sick it's like it's they're not transporting the meat properly I've had a few bad experiences with Subway recently

I normally like it but the salad options in Subway as I've got older I really love different salad yeah it's like we got a kebab

for our lunch before from a place in Liverpool called Olive Branch hashtag not an ad. Oh, it's great. Cannot recommend it enough. The salad options are great

because you can get a chicken kebab with rice, but then you can get lettuce, cucumber, gherkins, pickles. Gherkins are pickles, sorry. Jalapenos, olives. And they do a few other things that I don't like as well. But the salad options are top tier. And Subway's salad options

have always been great. This is controversial but a good kebab place like that I will take if I had to over all of them. 100%.

Oh yeah. I just think it's so much I'd prefer it so much. Can I put it out there by the way Domino's is so overrated. Yeah. It is.

Ridiculous. If Domino's wasn't as expensive people wouldn't get it as much. Yeah. It's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled. Domino's wasn't as expensive, people wouldn't get it as much. Yeah. That's insane. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled.

Domino's are like, we're 19 quid a pizza, but you know, there's this offer on, which means it's always a 10 a each. Pizza Express is my favorite chain pizza because it's like thinner. And I'm like,

oh my God, I'm a model. American pizza slice is the best. There's only, they're only in Liverpool, but there's two of them. And it is. Yeah,

it's the best. It's the best pizza in Liverpool. But yeah, of them and it is yeah it's the best it's the best pizza in Liverpool but yeah Domino's for the price is ridiculous you always have the guilt after it

like why have I just paid 40 quid for I tell you what though marketing department two for Tuesdays whoever came up with that is a fucking genius because that

that basically keeps that keeps them going doesn't it if you look hard enough that's every day the sauces from Domino's are top tier garlic and herbs do you know the garlic and herbs you look hard enough, that's every day. The sauces from Domino's are top tier.

Garlic and herbs, everything. Do you know the garlic and herbs? You know a big tub of that? It's like a thousand calories. It's the same as a Big Mac. Did Domino's invent stuffed crust? No. Surely not.

No, that's Pizza Hut. How is it? Pizza Hut is okay for the kids' birthday. I think Pizza Hut's a lot worse than Domino's. Pizza Hut is not very good. I don't mind it. It's dirty. I'd rather have a shit takeaway pizza than a Pizza Hut. Pizza doesn't, is not very good. I don't mind it. It's dirty. I'd rather have a shit takeaway pizza

than a pizza doesn't. Yeah. Oh, Botan, Botan pizza, me, shove that up my arse. So is Nando's a different tier?

Is that a different, are we talking, it's not fast food. It's not fast food, is it? Yeah, okay. What about like the,

the bakery, not the bakery, but like Greg's. Oh, Greg's is the best one, just because it's decent, and it's quick, and it's cheap.

Can I throw out that I think that's a different category that we could... That's not fast food. Yeah. I know it is food that's fast. Yeah. But it's more of a...

It's a bakery. Yeah. They're basically just fucking throwing it at you. You just walk in, you're out. Have you had the Popeyes yet? Oh my God.

I've just remembered the caramel donut from Greg's. My favourite is... Now I know what I'm doing tonight. My favourite is the caramel donut from Greg's. My favorite. Now I know what I'm doing tonight. My favorite is the festive bake from Greg's, and they only do it at Christmas time. And once when, like about 10 years ago, I got 12 of them, one for every month,

to put in my freezer, and then got quite stoned and ate them all in a day. You know they just sell them, right? No, but it's just Christmas time. No, I mean they sell them at Canaldi. Oh, no, but I think this is Iceland. They started doing freezer ones. But I think this is before they started freezing them.

Yeah, so they got that idea from me. I started freezing them first. Dan, you need to try Popeye's. You'd love it. I'm into it. It's a good burger. Only if I've been eating shit all week. I'm starving now.

I just remember, it's Popeye's chicken. Yeah. That's American. Yeah, there's one just opened. I just feel like, is it from Little Nicker? The Adam Sandler film?

It's been very big in America for a very long time. It's bigger than Perth. I feel like Taco Bell is so, I feel like I know Taco Bell so well from films and music and I've never been in one. There's one in the Arndale Centre.'ve never been in one there's one in the

Arndale Centre there's one there there's one across the road that's not as nice obviously as the States it's nowhere near I've had one I think

there's one in Nottingham when you gig there there's one there shall we do some other words it's what we name the podcast after after you can't hear the music Josh but it's going off

I didn't do this last time we didn't get to it last time the whole podcast now it's just the final 10 percent i love it hey thanks for it um i love a bit of the name tacklebell anymore right Right. Without hearing this. Weird is it? I love a bit of Conalingus. What was it? It's a girl who does weird little song videos and she did one about Taco Bell in lockdown one

and it plays in my head. Did she call it Taco Bell? It will be in my head for days now. Did you have that made? No, we've got about 20 of them. People send them in all the time. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Josh, you can do it. Believe in yourself. No, sit down and throw it. Come on. Throw it. That was good. Should I do all of that? Yeah.

That looked quite good actually. I'm really proud of my hands on this part. Believe in yourself, Josh. Sign me up. This one comes in from Ayla Payton boyfriend has sexual banter with his mate

it's from a lady alright lads have a word with me or my boyfriend we are long distance and we do a lot of stuff with his friends when I'm home whenever we all spend the night together he wants to spend time with this one particular guy he even spends the night through with,

he even spends the night through with him rather than me. I don't know if I should be worried about how close they are and their sexual banter, which assures me is just boys being boys. Should I be worried? Cheers. But what are they doing though? Is he like sucking him off?

He's like, it's just a joke. It's fucking me. We play rugby. How funny is this stop crying oh my god Josh was that good form per day was that good form

I only saw it from the side but it just looked like he was just he didn't really look like his mouth were doing much

oh he's having a hard time he's having a hard time what no what should I be doing? Someone needs to commentate this for the audio. First of all, you take it out for dinner.

Adam's sucking a big dildo. That's quite too fair. Don't get locked jaw as well as a bad shoulder. Well I'm not fucking experienced, I hope not. Ayla Payton's got a gay boyfriend anyone else? I don't know it depends on his age and what he does

so hang on he sleeps with his mate and not with her that's weird he'd rather spend the night over at his mate's I don't know what's going on

has he like seen his mate's can I just say how well does that make sense I know this is a bullshit but it I thought I thought they were all together and then

he went to bed with his mate and she went to bed he's going to his mate's to stay over. That's not that awful, really. What, when they do a long distance relationship and then she's home and he doesn't see her. Something's not right.

He just wants to play Xbox. Yeah, I just feel like something's not right here. Maybe she's feeling, maybe the sense that she's got, maybe it is. I know some lads do sexual banter. There's some lad groups that aren't asked about that is but I know some lads do sexual banter there's no there's some lad groups that aren't asked about that stuff I think the red flag comes from like

when you're out he wants to spend time I think that was like lads want to spend time with their mate lads that's fine but when it comes to if your missus is

if you're in a long distance relationship spending time with the boys is fine when your missus comes over she's the priority isn't she always

especially with the long distance thing see this is what I'm talking about your missus comes over, she's the priority, isn't she? Always. Especially with the long distance thing. See, this is what I'm talking about. I don't really know what she's saying though. Is she saying they have like an house party and then she goes to sleep in one room and he sleeps with him? Is that what she's saying?

She's saying even spend the night through with him rather than me. I think she's from somewhere where there's a different turn of phrase. I wouldn't be surprised if she was Scottish. I don't know either. I don't know. I think she's spending, he's in the bed with him and she's like yeah yeah that doesn't sound great really i think there's a an intervention coming what do you think well this is what i said before when i said 70 of relationships i've got a night that seems like

i've got an idea suggest a threesome to him and see if he wants to bring a man or a woman on board well yeah looks like he's knocking on to but then what if she doesn't want a threesome she doesn't have to go through with it yeah yeah if he turns yeah if he's like, Rhys? Rhys, you don't even have to come. Suggest a threesome and say you can bring whoever you want, male or female.

If he's into his mate, it'll be him. What, like, sexual banter, though? Is that a bit weird? I think it's weird yeah do you me and Carl

like I'm if me and Carl were on a night out in a big group with our missus and whatever it's not unfeasible that I spend most of the night

talking to him yeah rather than just yeah but if you were like hey me and Carl have been talking about our cocks I'd be like no we haven't

very sexual but even even my friends who are gay we don't have sexual banter. But even my friends who are gay, we don't have sexual banter. No. If you've got sexual banter, just fuck. Like, I don't see what you're saying.

I think that's what Ayla's worried about. Yeah, but that's what I mean. I feel like if there's loads of sexual banter, they just want to shag. I think that's the truth. I'd like to hear an example of what the sexual banter is hey can you get in touch again yeah can we have more information because first of all your email doesn't make any fucking sense well it does it makes some sense it doesn't make a lot but he hasn't had coffee so he's annoyed with you yeah you've pissed him off you

just put your send in another email tell us tell us exactly what he's doing and whether he's shagging like sleeping with his mate and not with you or whether you mean he's just hanging around with his mate when you sit out together because it's not very clear what you want us to help you with and we do want to help you but you know you need to be less stupid help us help you there's not red flags there's little there's little rainbow flags going yeah i really think i really think and that's great we've got one there? Yeah. Cool. Next one. Abby says, pervy neighbor wears his wife's keks. Have a word with my pervy neighbor. So me and my fiance, we're lesbians,

I'm 22 and she's 29, moved into our house three years ago now. The couple next door to us are in their 40s and the fella has always been a bit weird. They don't live in Sorghal. Has always been a bit weird. He found us on Facebook when we moved in and only messages us when his wife is at work

or out of the house he sent us pictures of his wife with clothing on which he clearly took on the sly and a picture of his dick which he claims is all accidental and his phone doesn't work properly he told my fiance that he wears her underwear and pulled his shorts down

and he had pink lace knickers on. I can't even go in my back garden without him shouting over the wall, asking if I'm decent before putting his head over the wall and trying to hold a conversation with me. Who's not decent in their own backyard? Carl.

He sends us pictures of dildo. Oh, this is horrible. He sends us pictures of dildos and strap-ons and asks which one he should buy. And whenever he takes a parcel in for us, he sort of jokily holds it hostage till we give him a pair of knickers and an orange Lucasade,

which is, I think, one of his jokes. Although he has no kids, he is old enough to be my dad and he's just pure creepy. And I know full well he wouldn't do any of these things if we were a heterosexual couple. What the fuck? Have a word with him, lads.

This is a bit much, this one, isn't it? Yeah. The comedy podcast. Call the police. I always go, original Lucas Aide over Aaron. Yeah, that was the problem. But I just report him.

Yeah, you should be able to call the police. Yeah, that's... Not the have a word podcast. This is... Oh, no, absolutely. Come here first. That's so odd. And then we can refer you to the police.

So when they've got an ASAS, he's like, I took this ASAS, give me this. No, I think that's the jokey bit. She put it in sort of quotation marks. Like he's like, you know, he's an absolute cunt, isn't he? Yeah. And a wrongan. I know.

I'd report it. Or order a letter bomb and never get back off him no I'd see if he wants a threesome no hang on no order the letter bomb

and he goes where you going no don't keep that but if he knows and where do you order that from Carl letterbombs.com oh yeah I love them I use.com

do they give him do they give him pants is that what that said they give him pants no I don't think he just he asks for them

and a Lucas aid. No. Also, can I just tell you girls, you know, when you like get deliveries, you can select an option where you can choose what name would they give it to? Yeah. The non-rapey one. Yeah, the non-rapey one. Just put the non-rapey one. The guy will know.

DPD will know. He's a freak. He needs someone else. I wonder if he asked the postman for his underwear as well when he dropped it off. Oh, hello, Pat. It's your knees, lad.

Pat. But, yeah, I think, honestly, just, yeah, report him, actually. Yeah. That's quite bad. Report him to... I'd start. I'd grass him to his wife

and just watch that kick off. Because he's... One of the creepiest things in there is he's taking pictures of his wife. The last thing you want is his wife lifting her scares up and going, I've got his undies on, we're both the same.

Don't... She's got F and F fucking... I'd grass him up. He sounds like an aura. No, get him back. Fuck with him. Have you ever worn your wife's knickers? What?

Have you ever worn your wife's knickers? Oh? Have you ever worn your wife's knickers? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you? Oh, they're well comfy. She wears big knickers. I've worn Mrs's leggings to go down to the ground floor and just get delivered, hasn't I? Yeah.

Leggings. Really? Not jogging. I don't want to put jeans on, so I mean, trackies are on the wash. How does your arse look? Really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have sharts? Fish nettle. What? Sharts or anything? jeans on so i mean trackies are on the wash how does your ass look really good yeah yeah fish net or something there's sometimes it's just like the effort of going to find them when

their leggings are just on the floor just put them on oh sorry in my head it was stockings then then it was more weird no i honestly thought you went yeah i just put a stockings on no if the liver do's here i'll just put the leggings on and I'll just go down yeah fair enough feels nice it's fine it's comfy yeah that's Adam's leggings

he's talking all this shit it doesn't matter it's just like what you'd go dancing in a word of a code if he was like I don't know in a ballet if he was a ballet dancer or something

yeah it's yeah comfy Abbey he's a wrongan and you, and you need to sort it out. You need to do something, because he sounds like an absolute pest. Tell his wife and the police,

or get someone to just like, and change the delivery settings on DVD. Yeah, just tell the police, please. I'd do that quite quick, actually, because it sounds like it's getting worse. Yeah. You're decent and congratulations on being in the house for three years

because obviously in lesbian years that's 12 lesbians are more the opposite of gay men are they are they are they lobsters ours is that we can't stay together and lesbians is that they get together

after a week they've moved in that's it oh really joking stereotypes and ours is that we're a bunch of whores they've moved in that's their joking stereotypes and ours is that we're a bunch of they've actually only been together for nine months

so congratulations on your new relationship and I'm sure the cats are lovely it's been lovely having you Josh yeah it's been nice I'll see you on Friday

at the awards you will you going on tour this year yeah we've not finished booking it yet so I've not announced it where can we find you

on your socials Instagram joshyjones92 there we go can I say Josh you make me laugh so fucking much thanks mate

you too you're so funny thank you we love having you you've asked me before and then we couldn't do it you're a busy man I'm busy

but that live show we did in London together was that was so much fun I was shit faced we was doing shots on on stage

that was off me fucking rocker yeah erm cool my tour goes on sale next month keep an eye out for that

the Have A Word tour is on sale right now haveawordlive.com Dan's tour is on sale now please buy tickets you can get tickets sale right now haveawordlive.com Dan's tour is on sale now please buy tickets you can get tickets from that from haveawordlive.com or from Dan's website

dannettingill.com and I think you've got some fucking song or something yeah my mate Felix Leiter who's a very good DJ

we used to do Show Me The Sample together has got a tune out and it's kicking off so Fish played it at the Warehouse Project and a beat for last year and it's sort of gained momentum in the clubbing scene it's kicking off. So, Fish played it at the Warehouse Project and a beat for last year

and it's sort of gained momentum in the clubbing scene. It's been played on Capital Dance and everything. He's a really good DJ is our Felix Leiter but this is

a fucking scorcher. It's Gotta Let You Go featuring Dominica. It's out now on Spotify and all major platforms. Go and have a look at the Show Me The Sample as well. He did a special one

because he's brought this back out. So yeah, I love this. I played it for Laura and she's not into her dance music, but Etta was fucking going for it. So enjoy. My mate fucking got a hit on his hands.

Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Bye-bye. Thanks, guys. I gotta let you go I gotta let you go I gotta let you go no more superstitions I gotta let you go

I gotta let you go I need a metal train to ride I gotta let you go I gotta let you go no more superstitions I gotta let you go, I gotta let you go No more solicitors I gotta let you go I gotta let you go I gotta let you go I gotta let you go

No more sweet goodbyes I gotta let you go I gotta let you go No more sweet goodbyes I gotta let you go, I gotta let you go, I more sweet tonight I gotta let you go, I gotta let you go I need a man who'll treat me right I gotta let you go I gotta let you go No more sweet tonight I gotta let you go

I gotta let you go I'm in a middle to be right I gotta let you go I gotta let you go No more sleep tonight I gotta let you go I gotta let you go, I mean a man will treat me right. Bye.