Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #215 with Jim Jefferies - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan's New Material Night in Manchester Sunday April 2nd. Tickets: https://www.edgetheatre.co.uk/new-bits-with-dan-nightingale/As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "Take A Ride" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJim Jefferieshttps://twitter.com/jimjefferieshttps://instagram.com/jimjefferiesADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? How are we? I've got some big news. I have just announced my brand new tour, Adam Rowe, What's Wrong With Me, which is going all over the UK and Ireland, and there's still some European, Australian and maybe American dates to add. But the UK and Ireland leg of this tour is going on general sale on Friday the 17th of March, with a Patreon pre-sale on Monday the 13th. This is the biggest tour I've ever done. There's dates all over the country. I'm going to cities and towns I've never been to before. And in the cities I've been to before. We're going big. In Manchester. It's not the Frog and Bucket this year.

We're doing the Manchester Apollo. This is a place I've opened for two of my heroes. Bill Bear and Jason Manford. To be able to headline it myself. It's dream come true stuff. Newcastle City Hall. The Pavilion in Glasgow. This is a proper step up.

And I need it to be justified. So do me a favor, go out and buy all of these tickets. I'm going to make this my best show yet. If you've enjoyed Juicy or Imperious, I guarantee you'll enjoy this one more. Comedy is better live. Come out and see us. Tickets will be at adamrowe.co.uk. They'll also be available on Ticketmaster. Please come and see us on this new tour. Adam Rowe, what's wrong with me? I'm going all over the gaff. And if you look at the list of dates that are on my website right now

and you see somewhere that I'm not going, you want me to come, send me a message and I'll do my best to add it to any tour extension that we put in place. I'd really appreciate all the support. Please come and see us on this tour. I'm dead excited and I'm going to make it my best one yet. Au revoir, enjoy the episode.

It might be the best one we've ever done. What's happening lads? We've got some big news. You might have seen it already. It's been on sale for about a week now, but the first ever Have A Word live tour, live podcast shows, not just stand up. We're doing live versions of the podcast. It's coming to Glasgow, Newcastle, Birmingham and Dublin. Where can you get tickets, Dan? I don't know. Havawaredlive.com. You get them from havawaredlive.com.

There's also a handy link on there that links to your website. Oh, and I'm on tour, so that'd be nice. And I go on tour as well, but my tour is not getting announced until next month. Come and see the lids. Yeah, havawaredlive.com. Come and see us. Every different city is going to have different guests, different shows.

Third time we've done live shows outside of Liverpool, apart from one we did in London. We're very, very excited. Anything else we need to talk about? We've also got a fucking Patreon. Oh, it's Peter the Have A Word Snake. So when you say Patreon, Peter,

what is a Patreon? A Patreon is basically a subscription scheme, theme, where we give you extra content every week and you give us just £3 a month. So for just £3 a month,

people could sign up and they would get, what, an extra episode a week, early access to public episodes and on top of that, they'd get a monthly special. The most recent one

was the Amsterdam special, you mean? Oh, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking potted off our twat. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show, we've got the restaurant special, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking potted off our twat. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show,

we've got the restaurant special, the footy special, both ghost hunts, but the lock-ins are legendary with Ishan, Jamie, Johnny Bongo, but this Amsterdam special

will go down as one of our best. If you sign up now just for £3 a month, you can sign up for £5 or £10 as well where you get added benefits, but you get all the content

just starting at £ quid a month and that doesn't include the forthcoming episodes. You get the entire back catalogue, every special we've ever done and also all the back catalogue of the weekly. You get an extra episode

every single week. So go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod right now. If you don't do it, I'll bite a child. You've got to do it. And that's how we've got to be the biggest patron in the UK.

Biggest in the UK, mate. Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com. The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go, Ed Ed get on me oh yeah

oh snow day for fucking hell not bad for you did you just like ski over it's actually cleared up by the time I left the house

yeah it's fine erm yeah it might be bad on the roads later I've got to drive to Stockton ooh that's not a fun two and a half hours, is it?

To host a gong show. In the snow. Oh. Yeah, good. Well, at least they're giving you a chance. Did you ask to host that gong show? No, he got in touch with me and offered me decent money. Yeah, it bombed it down last night.

Bombed it down. The kids were straight out. 10 past seven in the morning. Not to go straight into the feature, though. Snow, very much overrated, isn't it? It is now. Especially in March.

Yeah. That makes me sad. Who's overrating it? Me. Adults. I think kids overrate it. No, it's so overrated.

But for kids, yeah, but like I was watching my kids today, I was like, yeah, I can see why you think this is wicked because you don't have to drive to fucking Stockton.

And school's off, whereas it's just an inconvenience. Instagram stories out the window going, yay, snow day. It's like you're 42. What are you going to do? You big stupid cunt. Oh dear.

Luckily I'm 41. Five days. So that wasn't about me. Yeah, the school's not off. Head teacher's old school. Yeah. Head teacher's like off. What? Head teacher's old school. Shedica's in as well? Yeah. No school's off. Head teacher's like fucking getting.

Is there? Oh, Shedica's doesn't work. That was the best though, back in the day. Snow day. Snow day. I don't think we got many off, did we? I don't think I ever had a snow day. No?

I just remember like throwing snowballs at the teachers. We weren't maggots. We just went in. You threw snowballs at the teachers? Yeah. We rocked them. I don't think you've fully got a grasp on what our school was like.

I've got a grasp of what you think your school was like. They threw snowballs with explosives in. What's that, lad? Our school was a prison, but they had teachers as the screws. It looked like one. It doesn't now. Yeah, screws.

Snow day. Why are they called screws? Because of... Screw the bars in or something? They screw the bars in. Or they screw you. Google it. It's supposed to bum all the people.

It is supposed to bum everyone. I think it's better if we don't Google it. Google it. Our own definition. That's a lost Americanism for fucking it. What? Bumming? Screwing.

Oh. I screwed her. Imagine if you said that. See, that's nice. I screwed some woman. Yeah, it's out, isn't it? Which is still in shagged. Shag is still in.

Bummed her head off. Bummed her head off, yeah. Bummed her head in. Very scouse, that. Fisted to within an inch of her life. No, that's just your nan. The screw was originally slang for the key. One of the most important functions of prison guards

or turnkey is to see that prisoners are locked up. So they're the screws. Right, well, they should be called the keys. Leathered. Oh, yes. Smashed. Rodged. Right, well, they should be called the keys. Leathered. Oh, yes. Smashed. Rodged. Again,

can I... Banged. Leathered is also drunk, isn't it? If you got leathered last night. Yeah. Well, we're just going to have two meanings then.

Yeah, no, they can, but I'm saying you're throwing out words. If you say to most people in the world, I bummed their head off, I think they're like, well, it was just all anal from start to finish.

Yeah, you can actually bum someone's head off without going anywhere near that asshole. Yeah, that's what I've learned from you guys on this journey towards my Scouse citizenship. I can't say that word. Citizenship. Citizenship. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's the one. Leathered, yeah, I leathered it.

Rogared. Ploughed. No. No, no. Rogared? Again, rogered. A rogered sun Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's the one. Leathered, yeah. I leathered it. Rogared. Ploughed. No. No, no. Rogared. Again, rogared. A rogared sunbird. No, no, no.

Screwed is out. Rogared's definitely out. What? Goosed is like tossed in and porked. No. No. You can't be like, I porked this bird. You'd be like, what are we even talking about?

Wellied. Wellied? Wellied. Yeah, that's up there you know well eat yeah well eat well eat yeah you're coming to wellies not on a snow day there's ice and fucking jizz in me wellies it's the merely goose is the is the best one yeah it's also, I don't know why. I think Goosed is like the most disrespectful as well. I don't know why I goosed her.

It feels like she wasn't involved. Yeah. Right. It's because she's never going to catch you in Duck, Duck, Goose. Oh, yes. It's because she's never going to catch you in Duck, Duck, Goose. So you've got the advantage. Head down, cocks up.

Is this all? That's the way we like to goose. And you get sucked off. Pinch it. Oh. Smoked. I fucking smoked air last night, lad. Sounds like you sucked her off.

Yeah. You might have. She had a great dick. Yeah, I think goose, didn't it? It's just goose. Banged. He's goosed there. Banged.

No. Oh, he bangs out. I banged. Oh, no. Bangs well in. No, he wouldn't say, ah, he's banged. He'd say, ah, he's goosed there. Yeah, but, bangs well in. No, you wouldn't say ice bang, you'd say ice goose there.

Yeah, but if I did say bangs, you wouldn't be like, what are you saying? I don't get it. You hit her with a hammer. Fucking hammered her last night, lad. Fucking chiseled her. What would you say, Steve?

If you like, drunkenly took a girl home from Pop World? Yeah, yeah, yeah. After a live show or something. Not a man, that girl. Probably, yeah. Probably best After a live show or something. Not a man, that girl. Probably, yeah. Probably best he doesn't have a mic. I rogered her.

A mic? That wasn't her name. Like, if you were just stumbling out and I was trying to stop you, like, you don't want to do this, and you were like, I fucking do. I do. Like, what would you call that?

Silence is what he called it. Non-consensual. You can't say that. That sounds like he was non-consensual. Oh, no, he wasn't capable. You all right, Steve? Well, what a lovely journey around the fucking... Is it more disrespectful?

Is there a difference between if you're talking about your bird and if you're talking about a girl on a night out? When I'm with someone, I just say, made love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always coming in here and I go on. I made my missus made love last night. Even if you don't, sometimes I'm like, Adam, did you make love to your missus last night?

Because you can just see there's a pep in his step. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I never go, did you goose your... If he came in, I went, yeah, fucking, you know, bummed it out last night. It depends what mood I'm in.

I either say make love or service their pussy. It depends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird because Laura listens to this pod and she's changed how she talks as well. So sometimes she's like, Dan, I need you to bum my head off. And I'm like, cool, thanks. I want a pussy valet.

That's... £25 premium wax. What, the platinum? Yeah. All right. And parking as well afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give the keys to someone else.

What? I wonder if there's any colloquialisms that like... You know, like there's loads of Scouse ones. Like leathered is probably a Scouse one, isn't it? Have you ever heard that before? Well, no, leathered to me means drunk.

Right. So like, I wonder if there's like, you know, like somewhere like in the Cotswolds or like Plymouth or something. Burnt on the water. Yeah,

burnt on scent. Right. If they're like, oh yeah, we had jelly bean there last night. You know what I mean? Oh, we'll give it the right scum

jam and cream you know what I mean jelly bean bum and pussy oh I thought you meant jelly bean wondered if there is any if there is

wherever you live write them in have a word pod at gmail.com what do you call sex I truffled her last night I think you know what I mean

nope maybe some farm analogies I don't like that on there mate I squelched her wellies Oh I sent her to the abattoir Oh

What? It's a divorce In common Sent her to the abattoir I bet he did in a big pile of shit With a spade I'm gonna tattoo it on my ass I spread

I spread I run-eater last night Did a bit of muck spreading last night I think you know what I mean Oh no Got the old combine harvester out Laid me seed I mean that's a bit on the nose isn't it

I ploughed airfield I've travelled 1000 miles to give you my seed Me cowboy elf has arrived yesterday Cool So that's for the Making love tonight is it yeah

it's for country to country music festival on Sunday where's that outfit what I say outfit

I've got a cowboy hat I've got a lovely cowboy style waistcoat and I've got some cowboy boots does everyone dress up you fucking hope so

you fucking hope so otherwise everyone's going to be like look at that special kid you're wearing cowboy boots and a waistcoat on Sunday don't break my heart it's a tweed cowboy waistcoat you'll see it on Instagram what cowboy boots have you bought

what cowboy boots have you bought I don't know the name of them they're just lovely cowboy boots have you bought? What? What cowboy boots have you bought? I don't know the name of them. They're just lovely cowboy boots. There doesn't seem to be many cowboy hats in this picture of last year's. Because they've all took them off to bow their head for Christ's sake. The guy on the stage has got them.

And the boots. There it is. On the left are two girls who've got one on. Yeah. Of course people are going to wear them. My cowboy hats are belted as well. I'd take them to the abattoir. You're a cowboy. Yeah. Do course people are going to wear them. My cowboy hat's a belted as well. It cost me eight to the abattoir. You're a cowboy.

Yeah. Do they just like chase cows? No. Or horses? No, no, but are they just like... They're cattle wranglers. Yeah. So why is that pocket...

That's actually a slayer to my people. Why is it cool to dress like someone who just works in a field? Because it's... It's like going to Comic-Con, isn't it? Like I'm just... I'm Iron Man. Yeah, you are. Special needs kid, cowboy Iron Man. They still do it though down in the south,

the southern states, don't they? Cowboys live there? No, they're not. No, I mean, they're there, aren't they? I mean, there won't be loads of cowboys still knocking it out. There are, but there's no cowboys here. It's a cult. It's a culture.

It's a culture. Get involved with the culture. And Adam loves that culture. It's the same reason we wore the fucking stuff with Isham when we did the Bollywood dance. It's a homage. I respect this culture, so I'm wearing this thing. I hope you're the only one there. I'm not going to be thing I hope you're the only one there I'm not going to be

because my missus is dressing up as a cow now she is an attractive lady respectfully and I think she'll look cute I'm worried I'm going to look cool as fuck and she's all going to rue the day

on Sunday like oh god he gonna rue the day oh wow rue oh on Sunday like oh god he was right the day's over I'm doing a new material now in Chester I wish I was dressed

as a cowboy I rue the day I'm gonna look cool as fuck it looks great what are you wearing like a like a plaid shirt no

a solid coloured shirt oh interesting have you got chaps what have you got chaps leather chaps Like a plaid shirt. No. A solid coloured shirt. Oh, interesting. Have you got chaps? What? Have you got chaps? Leather chaps. Not to be sniffed at.

No, like a chap butty. You've got to give him. You've got to give him credit. There's some gold and there's some fucking weird ones. A chap butty. Maybe like arseless leather chaps. Oh, no.

For later, though. When he's making love. When he's... Blue jeans, of course. I've got my blue jeans. Oh, no. You went blue. You got blue jeans.

What's on your back? I don't know, right? I got my blue jeans. She doesn't think like that, though. That's the power of the one TV. Blue jeans. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, please.

I don't think you know what cowboys are. That's not to do with country music. That's like cowboys, isn't it? Oh, that is everything to do. Chaps. I'm not going to cowboy pride. I'm going to country. No, cowboys wear chaps over the jeans

so they don't get fucked with it. I'm not doing that. No, I'm wearing jeans, brown belt, brown cowboy boots, a tweed waistcoat, a green shirt, and a brown, very dark brown hat. No bottomless leather chaps. Arseless chaps, mate. I know. What a shame. What a waste. You're going to look stupid.

There was an arseless girl who went to my school. I don't know about that. there was an arseless girl who went to my school have you got the fucking things on like the razor blades spinners on the back of your shoes

I'm not going as Woody from Toy Story I'm going as a real life boy Pinocchio I've got no chaps for my bottom what are they called stirrups

I'm going respectfully spares Tottenham yeah can I have just got one pair I've got no chaps for my bottom. What are they called? Stillips? I've got them respectfully. Spares? You're not going... Tottenham? Yeah. Can I have just got one pair? You're not thinking about... What happens if you've got two pairs of spares?

You spare spares? Have you... Have you thought about riding a horse into it? Is there any part of it? I don't think you can ride a horse into it? Is there any part of it? I don't think you can ride a horse into the O2. I just don't think anyone's tried. Jack White's older than it. Yeah, I think it's defeat, is that?

If you respect the culture, you're a cowboy. Get on that fucking steed. Yeah, I don't want to disrespect the culture by not riding a horse properly. Does it say no horses anywhere? Yeah, don't think. On the ticket, on the front.

Because if you go, what do you mean? It's my horse. No arseless leather chaps. No horses. I'm very excited. What's happening? What is it?

Nice. It's, you know the way they do Redden and Leeds? Yeah. And the line-ups swap over. Yeah. So like Saturday in Leeds

is Sunday in Redden and vice versa. It's just like that so we're country to country it's a country music festival but they do Dublin Glasgow and

London and they swap so it's Friday Saturday Sunday and the Friday line up is Dublin then Saturday and then Sunday

who's the biggest ones who's the biggest ones name them I mean the household names the Zach Brown Band are headlining and the main support is the old Crow Medicine show with the original ones? Name them. I mean, your household names. The Zach Brown Band are headlining. And the main support is the old Crow Medicine Show.

Steve's in them. Steve's in them. The old Crow Medicine Show. Steve just loves their version of Wagon Wheel. Keith Axe Handle. He's there, isn't he? I don't know anyone else who's on. Billy Turpentine.

He's great. Old Slaggy Maggie. She's Old Slaggy Maggie.'s Old Slaggy Maggie Rod Blue Jeans Rod Blue Jeans and his brother Zach Brown Man of Sick

Phil Phil Blue Jeans No He's like Black Jeans crazy They are good aren't they I saw that one You've listened to it

Yeah It's a belt of a song It paints such a lovely picture. Can't wait for Nashville. I like First Aid Kid. First Aid Kid, great band. They are a band.

They are a band. That's what I said. No, they're not. Yes, they are. They're the Swedish duo called First Aid Kid. What, the country? The country and western?

Yes. You're absolutely right. Oh my, my silver lining. My silver lining. You know the way there was the Saturdays and they were like, S Club Juniors. There's also the First Aid's kids and it's just a load of kids. You know the way there was the Saturdays, and they were like, S Club juniors.

There's also the first AIDS kids, and it's just a load of kids. You've only got six months to live, living their dream. You can all do CPR, though. Yeah. If you've only got six months to live, you don't want someone dying in an accident.

Jesus Christ. First aid kits are sick. Right. Two Swedish ladies. First they get sick. Right. Two Swedish ladies. Slaggy Maggie. I want to thank Alex, our promoter. Oh, thank you, Alex. Have a word.

Like, live shows. For getting him the tickets and not getting me any. He'll be powering routine tickets as well. I'm waiting for my tickets. I got my blue jeans on. I'm going to kill my wife. Mr. Button. They haven't heard it yet

I know That was Billy Cobb It's going to be really funny for the listeners Because their introduction to that Is the episode after this I'm dead excited I'm going dressed as a cool cowboy That is the episode after this. After this, yeah. I'm dead excited. I'm going dressed as a cool cowboy.

I'm going to look sick. I'm excited to see the picture. You will. We will. I will. It'll be on all the socials. What would you go to? He's going to a country gaff.

Country and western. Would you go to a techno? Yeah, I'd love to go, right? A techno? A techno? Festival. Lads, are you going to a techno yeah I'd love to go rave a techno festival lads are you going to a techno I am a techno festival were you a ministry of sound

kind of guy no I wasn't too a bit too not chavvy but a bit too mainstream I like techno nights

that were who did Errol Alcom was really good when I was when I was going for it he was one of the few DJs that I remembered I would love to he was one of the few DJs that I remembered I would love to go

to one of those Berlin like house like technical places where it's all just like nipple tassels and like Germans going unsk unsk unsk don't look at me

that's my idea of hell what? that's my idea of hell yeah you're not invited it's fine you didn't invite me to Sunday I'm going to the you were welcome

I can get you a ticket for sunday sunday yeah a german thing carl i'm thinking making me breakfast on sunday because i think you're secretly a little bit you've got a little bit like quiet king kong car he's very you know very respectful very respectful but i reckon once he got into like a berlin basement and there was just like unsk unsk unsk unsk and they were all just like fucking after I'm in town I'd love to see him

on a pill a bottle of fucking Corona gone yeah that's me and a guy called Gunter comes up and goes are you naughty fuck off Gunter

what do you drink in Corona and then a German woman will come over and he convinces her he works for NASA for a laugh for two hours and then he just gets off

Gunter that's why you're here there's no NASA bus here good luck on the moon tomorrow I will miss you and he convinced her that he works for NASA for a laugh for two hours and then he'd just get off. Don't go to fire here. There's no NASA bus here. Good luck on the moon tomorrow. I will miss you. Maybe she'd enjoy it being wound up. Maybe she's a masochist and she's into it.

Wind me up, fucking. This is torturing me. I'd love that. The problem I'm going to have on Sunday is if the stage is like over where Carl is, I'm going to have to just

face this way the whole time because this is still fucked. I went to see the doctor yesterday and I paid 200 quid for the doctor to look in my ear. And now it's time for Adam's health update. I paid 200 quid for the doctor to look in my ear and go, yeah, can be bad, da. Was Yusuf everything he

was cracked up to be? He was a doctor, I assume. And he went, yes, it's bad, Dad. We normally wait for three months because what's happened is you've got a little bit of fluid behind your ear.

We need that to go away. Normally goes away on its own within a month. Can take up to three. And we'll wait three months. And if it hasn't gone away in three months, then what we do is

we put a hole in your eardrum and drain it. And then we just wait for your eardrum to fix. But for now we'll get you to hair and test

you're not flying anytime soon are you I went I'm going to New York on Tuesday he went that's not going to help he went is that your last one for the next

like couple of months I went to Nashville in April and he went both of those things are going to be really bad for your ear so you need to

constantly on the plane be like popping your ear and take Suda fed spray for your nose have a sweet boiled always be chewing he boiled always be cheering he said always be cheering

like men off yeah just suck loads of dick on the plane yeah so and then he went go and get a hearing test done

and he did the hearing test he went your ears aren't that bad you've got a slight hearing loss but that's to be expected at the minute and we'll do another one in six weeks

what happens if you get to New York and the other one goes what are we doing there what's the plan just going on fucking podcast going, hey! Sound language. I have thought about that, Dan,

and I haven't got a contingency plan. Okay, cool. I had to have a month, and it was both years, and it was... It sounds like the thing where, I know it's worse, but it sounds like the thing,

you know when you've had a bath or you've been swimming, and you can't get the water out. No, it's worse. Oh, of course it's worse. The lack of hearing's not the problem at the minute. It's the tinnitus. Like, I'm going to sleep and it's keeping me awake.

Because there's a fire alarm in me head. Is it just like... There's a fire alarm in me head. It's not in me building or the house over. There's a fire alarm going off in me head at all times. It's going to be a fucker if you burn to death, isn't it? It was a fire alarm. I thought it was just in me ear.

They're just going to find a choose interview after I've burned to death. You all right, son? We found a dead cowboy. That's how he sleeps. I'm a cowboy. Oh, you don't want to die dressed as a cowboy

do you no that's not how you want to go fucking broke back mountain on 13th floor no you don't want to die dressed as a cowboy no

you don't I went to the darts last night oh you went to fucking errors mate fucking errors it was the cunt you're messing on those

yeah Gavin Price yeah he is a gob shite he's such a gob shite right I've got a picture just for some i've got a picture so alex would laugh on it i went i let him finish his food obviously because you know that's disrespectful and she stood up and put his coat and i went gavin can i grab a

picture he's like yeah yeah and i just stood there like this and i went i'm coming later he went okay and then walked off good chat and then he lost his first game and went and fucked off. Who won? Michael Van Gerwen. Oh. Beat world champion... That's the Dutch ball guy. Yeah.

He's got a mad head. Uncle Fester, basically. Yeah, we had a sign... His head looks like a full human body, doesn't it? Yeah, it looks like a baby. He's got a baby for a head. Yeah. Yeah.

We had a sign that says Michael Van Gerwen drinks custard. Tried to get on the telly. I don't know if we did. Great band. I might get on the telly. I don't know if we did. Great band. I might be on the telly while I'm in New York. So I've got a ticket for the New York Rangers game against the Pittsburgh Penguins,

and I'm sat right behind the players. Sick. Are the Pittsburgh Penguins real? They're quite... They're a real ticket. I'm going to do that but also they're a good team

aren't they the transfer window is just shut in hockey and the New York Rangers have bought the three biggest superstars in the game and all the other

big superstars play for Pittsburgh so this is like El Clasico it's like PSG against Man City sick who are the other

NHL teams I like the Detroit Red Wings I like their branding there's the Boston Bruins the BruinsL teams I like the Detroit Red Wings I like their branding there's the Boston Bruins the Bruins are good I just basically got off that because Billy Bear likes them so

the New York Rangers at the minute are in the playoff positions and the Penguins are in the wildcard position so it's going to be a big game Houston Hippos are good the Houston Hippos the Baltimore Big Sticks they Yeah. The Baltimore Big Sticks. They're good. The Baltimore Big Sticks.

They're not bigger sticks than everyone else. It's a big controversial thing in the league. But yeah, at the end of it, it got that like England football, and everyone started throwing points at each other. What, the darts last night? Yeah. So where was it? In the arena. In the arena, and what is it, the pints at each other. What, at the darts last night? Yeah. So where was it?

In the arena. In the arena, and what is it, the Premier League? Premier League. So they do fixtures all around the country, or Europe, or what? Yeah, so there's eight of them in the league, and they tour. And it's a tournament every night. So it's eight players? Yeah, there's only eight players in the league.

And can you get relegated from it? Yeah, it's a league. Oh, cool. But we were sat on a table on the floor, and there's like banter between the people who haven't got tables you can't afford the tables like a song

and then they were throwing pints yeah not good chat in Liverpool people were singing fuck the Tories and then singing

I was like pick one act like a Tory people are stupid though aren't they if you've got a table don't ever do that look at you

in the cheap seats. Fuck. I mean, it's a lot, lots of lovely lands, but there's obviously, you know, the darts, any sporting events, there's a lot of dickheads as well. But at the end of it was like throwing the pints. And I was like, yeah, it's time to get out of here. Yeah.

Cause everyone's just like, oh fuck. It's the end of the night. And it was getting. Just get everyone's like, I don't know when they leave and they feel like they did what they want. There was the. Is that the absolute. is that the cast? Yeah, all right.

Yeah, stand up if you love the darts. Stand up. Stand up twice and I was like, I'm not doing it no more. I wouldn't have stood up. I'd have been like, I quite like the darts, but I wouldn't say I love them. Yeah, but there's a separate song for that. It's hover above your seat if you quite like the darts.

And that would have been you like, nice. No, but I stood up twice and I was like, right, you've got it now. You know I love the darts. You're questioning me again. You're making me not love the darts. Yeah, so I stood up twice and I was like, right, you've got it now. You know I love the darts. You're questioning me again. You're making me not love the darts. Yeah, so I stayed and ate me Cornish pasty. Got a Cornish pasty.

You're an absolute lad. I'm trying to collect sports now. Did you get shit-faced? Afterwards. I'm trying to collect sports as well. You know what I mean? Like, I want to go to the darts. Yeah, I've got darts. But that's why I booked the hockey

and not the basketball this time I'm in New York. Well, that's top of your list. Hockey was up there. I know where you're going gonna go when we're in Nashville probably because it's the last game of the hockey league season when we're there but the Predators who play in Nashville are not in playoff contention so it might be a bit yeah the Nashville pedophiles oh that's a really awful name um I've done basketball I've done the NFL over here but I would like to do that oh my god yeah it's different in America also one of the good ones Wimbledon I want to do

I'd love to do Wimbledon I'd probably do that this year Wimbledon's top of the list centre court at Wimbledon this year that'd be amazing NASCAR would be cool biggest spectator sport in the world I also

I'll do cricket I'll do a big cricket game boot's off boot's off a T20 game with Ishan and Alfie yeah it's just day drinking you'd have a fucking great time.

Me and Ishan hyped that up this year and it didn't happen. We've got to make it happen. Summer sports, innit? Oh, it's such good day drinking. Yeah, I'm trying to collect as many... Snooker? In Sheffield?

For the World Championships? I'd watch the Championships and the Crucible, but I wouldn't go anywhere else. Going to the snooker, I don't see it as fun. Because everyone's just like quiet. And it's just, you're literally just watching two fellas have a game of snooker I don't see it because everyone's just like quiet and it's just you're literally just watching

two fellas have a game of snooker there's no like thing to it that's not I'm not arsed about that I don't see that as any different than watching it on the telly

if you're not bothered about cricket you could go with your mates who are into it and the sun's nice T20 is basically just slogging it there's no fucking tactics

yeah you just have to welly it that's great fun and you're there for what five hours oh that's fucking great going to the snooker and like

just fucking sneezing and getting shushed by someone that's a bit more intense the rugby doesn't interest me I mean I know we went in Spain I'm a big rugby lad but my mates

my best mates are Wales fan and we got tickets for Wales FranceFrance in the autumn tests. I would love that. If you're going to do rugby, I bet you'd get in a stadium of 80,000 people when the atmosphere is amazing and have a really good time. Again, because you can just drink and you're, you know.

I think the key to this is to go, if you go with someone who gives a fuck, that makes it more fun. I want to do baseball so next time I'm in America probably towards the end of this year

no probably be early next year I'd like to do NFL and baseball baseball's up there there's not one at the minute erm when are you going again

I don't know yeah right yeah that's the problem with the NFL you've got a small window do you know do you know bowls do you have to be quiet yeah small window. Do you have bowls? Yeah, crown green bowls.

Do you have to be quiet? No. We could just go there. It's rowdy. Stand up. If you love the bowl, stand up. We could go and do that. Everywhere we go. Everywhere we go.

It's the bowling boys. Everywhere we go. Look at him. He can still do it. When I go to Australia, I definitely go to an Aussie duels game. When I do the Ireland leg of my tour is Limerick, Galway, Cork, Dublin.

I think there's one more. And the Saturday I've got off, I'm going to go to a Gaelic football game. Yeah. Very nice. What else? Yeah, definitely. What else? I'd love to see Sumo. I know. I've never got... When I'm going to Japan, yeah very nice what else yeah definitely what else

I'd love to see sumo I know I've never got I don't know when I'm going to Japan but every time a clip comes it looks fucking amazing quite slow if we're collecting sports

that looks pretty cool quite slow what about wrestling I know it's the real wrestling oh I'd go to I mean a proper summer slam

if you had tickets for summer slam oh I'd go but like it's not sports it's theatre like 15-20 years when we were kids as of

oh my god SummerSlam 92 93 was at Wembley it was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me in my life so important

Legion of Doom had fucking gold like oh my god it was fucking cool it absolutely does my head in that wrestling is considered a sport because I totally get

that I'm not having to go to people who do it or the people who like it I get that it's like physically demanding and you have to be in unbelievable shape to do it but the winner is written it's an entertainment it's not sport

is it legally classed as a sport? You can bet on it? You can bet on it? You can? You can't bet on it. How can you bet on that? If you want to watch WrestleMania, don't bet, because the odds are like 1 to 1,000 for one, because you know it's going to be them who wins. So if you go

on the betting things, you'll ruin it for yourself. Oh my lord. Yep. That's so stupid. Like, that's like betting on Corrie. But you can do that as well. You can do that as well, yeah.

You can bet on whether Les Battersby is going to win the lottery. You get great odds on that. You can bet on whether Les Battersby is going to win his bet in this week's episode of Corrie. Yeah. But don't do it needed. You can bet on scripted stuff.

It's insane. That is mental. It's not a sport. It's all. That is mental. It's not a sport. It's all dead hard and that. People who can wrestle, don't come for me. You're all dead hard. No, they're not hard.

It's a dance at the end of the day. No, but they are hard. They are. Like they're physically incredible, but it's not a sport. You suggest actors. Honestly, 10 year old me would have been fucking fuming with this chat.

Because it was the most important thing ever. I tried to like it. Oh, even the Hasbro toys were the coolest toys ever. Someone brought a wrestling ring in for toy day in school. Oh, my God. The Undertaker. Love Macho Man, Randy Savage. I was like Michael Owen when it came to wrestling.

You wasn't a wrestler, was you? You are? No. You love Michael Owen, who's your favourite WWF wrestler? I mean, I couldn't. I was just like, this isn't real, so it's not for me. Is that what Michael Owen's like? Yeah, he can't watch films, can he?

Oh, he can't watch films, yeah. Yeah, how old are you? But when I got into wrestling, it was the shiniest shit I'd ever seen. So Americanised and everything. Sky were pushing it. But I didn't know it wasn't real. I thought it was real. I was young enough that I was like,

I was in primary school. I was like, this is the best thing ever. I did. It was like being a Jehovah's at Christmas. I just knew it wasn't real. So I ruined it for all my mates. But people jump off shit.

It's real. Fun kid. When they jump off high places, they've still done it. It's still demanded. Obviously, it's not like they're not punching each other. I did it before. I can't believe I ever still done it. It's still demanded, isn't it? Obviously, it's not like they're not punching each other. I did it before.

I can't believe I ever fell for it. Like as a kid. I was arguing with my nan that it was real. And they're literally going, hey, fuck off. And you're going,

oh, oh, oh. You didn't see it. It's about a mile and a half away from his face. I love that. When they stamped as they hit. If you got offered to be one of the people,

you'd jump out, wouldn't you? Yeah. Because one of the people though, you'd jump at it, wouldn't you? Yeah, because it's fun, but it isn't real. Mate, I, honestly,

I don't know if they do like a legends tour of the WWF. I know they've all died of like their hearts pop when they were 49. It's WWE now, isn't it?

Because the Pandas won. Oh yeah, Pandas won. In my head, it's WWF. I'd see Ric Flair do anything. I'd love to go

and see Ric Flair. Would you see him shag a panda? If I said to you, Adam from our tour promotion has got tickets to see Ric Flair shag a panda at Edinburgh Zoo. I'd be there, yeah. The WWE-WWF crossover would be amazing. Just animals fighting wrestlers.

Mate, pandas aren't winning anything. He's definitely losing a lot of controversy Chris Benoit and the likes what a lot of controversy within the wrestling what happened

with Chris Benoit what happened we all know what happened with Chris Benoit don't we listen stop looking at everyone

like we all know Steno's yeah what do you know killed his wife and children Carl we were doing a bit about wrestlers fighting animals. I was like, we could be really silly with this.

Yeah, but that one guy killed everyone he loves. I don't know. Is it right to fight a panda? Children are dead. Hungover, Carl. I've seen the dart. Now I feel melancholy. I'm hungover. Yeah, Carl. I've seen the dart. Now I feel melancholy. I am hungover.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is this your twice a year game of piss? No, no, I didn't get that well. To be honest. Look at that. Are you got fucked? Did you get leavened?

I wasn't that drunk. By Gerwin James? I had to wake up with a puppy and it was slower. I was like, oh. Are we going to get drunk on Monday at the lock-in? I'm on antibiotics right now.

Mate, I'll do your antibiotics and I'm going to get drunk on Monday at the lock in I'm on antibiotics right now mate I'll do your antibiotics and then I'm going to get so fucked up honestly with the the German one what was it the Oktoberfest one

my head was in the tour I'm free of tour now it's not for ages it's months away I'm getting fucking pie eyed on the Paddy's Day lock in it's what the Irish would want

yeah we've not announced that we haven't announced that yet we sort of have I have Paddy's Day lock inin. It's what the Irish would want. Yeah, we've not announced that yet. We haven't announced that yet. We sort of have. I have. Paddy's Day lock-in next week. 17th of March, 6pm. Only on Patreon. Patreon.com slash have a word pod

to go with all of the legendary lock-ins. We're going to have a couple of Guinness. Some Jameson's whiskey. And we're going to have some baby Guinness. Baby Guin-I. And I've got this Irish tequila. St. Patron's. And I've got this Irish tequila. St. Patron's. And I'm bringing that in.

It's a distillery out of Sligo. It's actually, that is actually Irish. It is, yeah, yeah, yeah. St. Patrick's surname was Ronald. And they've just... Patron. Yeah, St. Patron. The Patron St. Tequila.

They used to call him Patron. Yeah. I like Patron, lad. Yeah, I'm just going to get some milk. And he had that accent. I'm going to get some milk. And he had that accent. I'm going to get some milk. Milk? Are you all right?

Yes, I'm going to get some milk. What wrestlers can fight animals? I don't know, but people die in car accidents, so I've got to think about that. I thought you knew about the Chris Benoit shit. I don't want to know. No, because obviously CTE is a thing, massive in that, and it gets to a point where they all lose their mind.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same, be aware of it. Oh no. Be funnier when they... Here you go. For any WWE wrestlers watching.

Tell you what. Be aware of the Chris Benoit scandal because that could be you. And if anything, if you're going to have CTE, don't kill your family. Fight a kangaroo.

Yeah. Think about that. That'd be funny. Yeah, you'll die. But everyone will be... Rest't kill your family. Fight a kangaroo. Think about that. That'd be funny. Yeah, he'll die. But everyone will be... Rest in peace Eddie Guerrero as well, of course. Who did he kill? No, he just died.

Oh, good. Is Ray Mysterio still doing things? Didn't he? He's killed someone, hasn't he? Oh, cow. He killed someone in the ring, Ray Mysterio. Was it a fucking... Was it an otter?

Yeah, he bummed an otter in the ring. Now, Ray Mysterio killed someone in the ring, Ray Mysterio? Was it a fucking... Was it an otter? Yeah, he bummed an otter in the ring. Now, Ray Mysterio killed someone in the ring. Like, scripted or... Yeah, scripted, Finn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scripted. The odds are on that one.

Mental. Yeah, he killed someone in the ring. There's a fact. 619, Ray Mysterio. Fucking Ray Mysterio my missus last night. Yeah, I think you know

what I mean. What other controversies am I over? Let's have a break before Carl's. China's dead as well.

Oh, what? The whole country? Let's get you a Lucas aid. Dan's in a mood.

Just slightly hungry. Slightly hungry. Slightly hungry. Dan's in a mood. Just slightly hungry. Slightly hungry. Slightly hungry. Dan's in a mood. When I'm in a natural mood, no one calls me on it. When I'm not in a mood,

everyone's like, he's in a mood. He's in a weird one. We know when you're in a mood and when you're like untouchable, like when it's just like, don't come near Dan. Untouchable, untouchable.

I'm not telling you this, Finn. It's horrible. That was a skater. I still got a mark. Hit him. Noid ace, that. How do you mean? Hit him. No. Oh, sorry. You sweeped his legs in before an elbow dropped him?

Because you didn't sub a clip on time? Yeah, that sounds like me, doesn't it? I'm a fucking ball breaker for that. And that's just because I hadn't had a bag of hula hoops. Should have just given me fucking snacks. Did you get a test when you were hungry? That would do my head in if I was happy. How's everything at home? Is everything all right?

You're coming with a weird energy thing. I'm not getting snacks. It looks like you're drinking Terps as well. Those bottles do look like Terps. I always think that. It is Terps. I'm in a fire breathe it's Billy

Turpin time mate we've got some questions would you like them Josh Reynolds says

I know Dan's tour is already announced and Adam's tour is about to be announced I'll be getting tickets for both

for Leicester what's the tour date you're most looking forward to and why? Well, I'm glad you asked. Well, it's out now. Like by the time this episode goes out. Yep. Oh, no.

So this is going out tomorrow, isn't it? Tomorrow. Sorry, no. For Patreons. So the Patreon presale is Monday, the 13th of March. General sale is the 17th. And the presale is limited because the venues... of March. General sale is the 17th. And the pre-sale's limited because the venues...

Can we just be honest? A lot of venues in this country are stupid cunts and don't know what they're fucking doing. Whoa, careful. Get that apology ready. No, I'm not being specific. I was.

Ready? Some venues are like, right, we've got 1,000 seats and we know you'd probably sell that I was on your pre-sale. But why would we want that? Here's 200, and we'll put the rest on general sale. We have a mailing list.

The Philharmonic did that last year. They were like, you can't have the whole tickets for the pre-sale. No, we've got a mailing list. Do you know how many tickets they sold me on their pre-sale? 4,200. Zero. Zero. Zero, I think.

I think it was two. Pathetic. So, the Patreon pre-sale is limited, but then there's more tickets going on sale on Friday. The most, the date I'm most looking forward to is two. I'm doing the Liverpool Empire, where we're taping the special. That's in March next year.

The big one for me is the Manchester Apollo. Yeah. It's the biggest date on the tour. It's bigger than Liverpool. And I've done it three times before. I opened for Bill Bear there, Jason Manfred, and I've done a charity gig there. It's just so cool to be headlining

the big theatres that I've opened for other people. Do you know what I mean? This tour is such a massive step up and I just hope everyone goes out and buys tickets and comes to see me in the venues that I've always genuinely dreamed of playing. And it'll be a year today from the arena. Yeah.

The 9th of December, 2022, the arena in Liverpool. 9th of December, 2023, Manchester Apollo. I'm looking forward to the Philharmonic at the end of the tour. Because of you and because of you guys, Liverpool has become my biggest seller. Obviously, this pod is Liverpool based in it and a lot of the lids are in and around Merseyside.

And obviously having seen you do tour dates at the Phil and then to within a year be doing it on my own tour is fucking amazing. But there are, it's weird how you have affection for, it's not even about size there's some places I'm looking for like Cardiff was amazing

and Glasgow's amazing and just being in Belfast and Dublin is quality Don't get me wrong I'm looking forward to this whole like every venue I'm doing is completely a level up from before

apart from London where I'm doing Leicester Square Theatre again because I love the room and I think it's right for me in London for now we're just goingicester Square Theatre again, because I love the room and I think it's right for me in London for now. We're just going to do a couple more shows there, I think, if the first two that go on sale sell out.

I'm looking forward to all of them, but to answer that question, I can't look past the Manchester Apollo, where I opened for two of my genuine heroes. I'd love to be there. I think I might come and watch. Carl, what about our tour? What are you looking forward to? I don't know. I need new footy,. I think I might come and watch. Karl, what about our tour? What are you looking forward to?

I don't know. I need new footy. We've got a goth slide tackle on tour going on sale. The goth slide tackle with you just sat on a on a desk to the side.

People queue up and then we just slide tackle the goth. You just comment on there's a goth. No, he does the slide tackle. Oh, are you actually tackling? Are we?

Huh? We're going on tour? Yeah, me and you. Are we? Huh? We're going on tour? Yeah, me and you. Are we? Yeah. Where? Belarus. Imagine how shit that'd be.

I thought you were telling the truth. I was like, I've like, fuck off. We are going on tour. We're going on tour. Yeah, but you said we as a community. Can you imagine how shit a tour would be with just you two? I think, you know, annoyingly, I think it settled pretty well. I think it was as well.

Initially. I think it'd be so shit. I'm having a little tour at the end of the year, possibly. Oh, here we are. It's trying to be funny.

Trying to have a laugh and everyone's talking really seriously and you've done me head in. Go on, tell us about your songs and that. That'll be shit.

Yeah, that'll be shit. That will be shit. Are you going? No. He's opening. He's opening. We're footy facts. He's opening. He's opening. With footy facts.

I'm going in a cowboy hat. Go on, Finn. You talk about your tour. It's not finalised yet, but there's definitely a date. Well, then fuck off. There's a date coming in Liverpool. There is a date in the summer.

I hope you all will come too. Steve's going on tour as well. Shag him. What's it on? Don't cut it out! He's opening for them. Yeah! You've got to keep it in.

You've got to keep it in. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no..'s the best bit of the episode. Dear. All going on tour. Very excited. Please go and buy tickets. The show is called What's Wrong With Me. Where do they get tickets?

Adamrow.co.uk. Dan? Do it. DanNightingrow.co.uk Dan? Do it. DanNightingale.com Get on me. Craig McMillan says, Wagwag Lids, what's the worst rules

you've ever heard of being put in place in a venue, comedy or otherwise? My mates and I went to see Frankie Boyle a few years ago at the Fringe. It was a Saturday night and we were all drinking before it. When we got to the venue, there were signs up everywhere

saying that if you go to the toilet, you won't get back in. When we asked about it, we were told it's Frankie's rules. Given that we'd all broke the seal it was a struggle and out of our group only of 10 only two made it at the end of the show which was about an hour and 45 minutes i get the thought behind it but given it was a festival most people have made a day of it it would have been nice to have a bit of warning prior will there be any rules on the tour what's i absolutely agree with that rule,

and I think you and your mates are fucking children for not being able to hold you in. Alex, we did that every week. Mate, that is on an hour and 45 minute show. There's no way at the Fringe the show was an hour and 45 minutes. It's an hour. It'll have been 45 minutes. No, they're not all hour long slots.

There's bigger acts doing tour shows at the Fringe. With nobody? No, there isn't. An hour and 45? Yeah, there is. Ricky Gervais did a show at the Playhouse while we were at the festival. It's not universal hour-long slots.

If he's writing it's an hour and 45, which I don't believe, then fair enough. There should be an interval after an hour, but you should be able to sit down for an hour and not have a wee. And if the actor doesn't want to let you back in, you've got no idea how annoying it is to be on stage and have groups

of people go in the toilet and coming back. It disrupts not only the bit you get up to go the toilet, but the bit when you come back. And if more than one group is doing it at a time, it ruins the whole show. So if you go to the toilet during the show, if the show is an hour long or an hour and ten, anything from fifty to an hour and 10,

I'm totally on board with that reel. And I do not believe that Frankie Boyle did an hour and 45 minute show with no interval. Yeah, that's a mad one. Well, I do. Because some comics go long

when you get to that size. We were doing it when people were coming in, in Alexander's, when I was running all them shows. But that's an hour. Yeah, okay. Because it's that small.

If you stand up, you've fucked an entire Rose view. You've got to come back. You're kicking glasses over. Just sit and enjoy for an hour yeah okay because it's that small if you stand up you've fucked an entire Rose view you've got to come back you're kicking glasses over just sit and enjoy for an hour do you think you'll ever

get to the point where you're doing the phones in a bag thing yeah Chappelle and Rogan I'd do it now if I could afford it it costs you like

four quid a phone lad it adds to the ticket ticket price doesn't it yeah but I don't want to add four quid to the ticket price at this stage

that's what you do yeah but yeah if I could afford to to add four quid to the ticket price this stage that's what they do yeah but yeah if I could afford to do it now I would absolutely do it I mean if I could legally afford

to have someone shoot the first person that acts the absolute twat starts heckling or talking that would be good wouldn't it just have the sniper

off to the side I'm tempted to take someone on tour like a tour manager who heckles in the first five minutes and literally gets like armbarred and thrown out the room so that just sets the tone Ric Flair is mine we're going to get someone on tour, like a tour manager who heckles in the first five minutes and literally gets like armbarred and thrown out the room.

So that just sets the tone. Ric Flair is mine. We're going to get him on tour with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to sell the merch after anyone starts up. Pow. I would love that.

I didn't tell you about this, but last week I did Hot Water on Wednesday. Do you know the new material? No, it's as seen on TV, but essentially my set, although it's coming along, is newer stuff.

I was closing. And because they advertised it, loads of lids turned up, and they went from an early show to a late show that I didn't know was a thing that could happen. And then I was on stage at 20 past 11. A couple who had been a bit chippy in the first bit, I asked a question, they were the first to answer, decided, and they were pretty drunk at the first show,

to stay for the first show, to stay for the second show. So 220 people, 230 people in the first show, they stayed, got wellied, even more fucking hammered. Yeah, they shagged. And then sat in the front row and were chipping in to the show for the other acts and everyone was like, like yeah they are drunk and then i got on they'd like we're waiting for down and um started doing because they'd seen the

set two hours before oh no started doing the bit as i was getting to it started heckling with the end of the bit i would have the first time they that, I'd have literally been so audible to them that they'd never come and see me again. Fuck off. They waited. They did all right. They did all right. But I was getting to the sort of last bit and they literally wouldn't let me get a bit out

because they were going, oh yeah, the thing. It literally stopped the gig. You know when one of them things happens where you're like, there's no coming back because they were so pissed I couldn't go right I basically

just dealt with that and he was like I was like are you one of our lot from the podcast and he was like yeah I'm a Patreon

I was like oh my god I dislike you so much you can't even say Patreon I'm a Patreon oh I was like you should know better

well you should know then to not do so we just closed the show with those fucking donuts i saw some comments about that i think they were yeah the thing is they genuinely wanted to come and see one of us and they and they'd been sound but don't get that pissed and then no they were until they got too hammered and then went oh we've seen these so we'll help Dan with the next bit it's a level of special I have never encountered I've never seen

anything like it stupid stupid did they get kicked out? it was the end of the show it was the end of the show but you know and I could see it coming Kay Nicholson was on

doing a great job and they were chipping in she's got there didn't she? oh she's great I love Kay she's got she's gonna be

proper but yeah that was so I've never had it happen Oh, she's great. I love Kay. She's going to be proper. But yeah, that was so... I've never had it happen. It's so weird. And it's not like I can do other stuff. I've got a 25-minute set that's new. God, don't do that. God, don't do that.

Yeah, that stinks of poo, that. Shall we do a top five? We haven't done one for a few weeks. Oh, yay. Shall we do a top five? We haven't done one for a few weeks. Oh, yay. Top five? We sort of forgot about it for a couple of weeks, didn't we?

We don't want to do it every episode. Don't want to burn it out. Top five. Oh, what is it? Top five hangover foods. We're going to come up with the half a word definitive top five hangover foods. We're going to come up with the Hathaway definitive top five

hangover foods. I think we've all got the same one. If you feel like we get it wrong, leave a comment both on the YouTube, on the social media clip

that this inevitably becomes. We want to know what your hangover foods are, but these are ours and you're wrong. Correct. Can we also add the beverage that you go with them?

Because I feel like it's an absolutely integral- To me a beverage is one of the, just a food on its own. No, it's got to be a meal, ain't it? No, there's beverage on its own. So we'll do beverages that go alongside it as well, yeah. Okay. I'm going to pretend I'm not vegetarian and go back to those days.

Right. I'm throwing it out there. Can I just ask you a question before we do? Yeah. Finn, if you weren't allowed to do that and you had to go veggie, what veggie hangover foods even exist? You can't be having hummus on a hangover. Suicide.

Falafel. Suicide. Yeah. It's a good food. Oh, get me some falafel. I'm so hungover. I'd love a hummus wrap. That wouldn't be too bad, actually.

Halloumi. Halloumi's quite good, actually. Hot bread with a hummus dip, mate. Goes off, you know. Hungover dip. Not on a hangover. Not on a hangover, no. Can't have fucking grinded chickpeas on a hangover. Not on a hangover, no. Not on a fucking grinding chickpeas on a hangover.

No. Surely we've all got Chinese in there. I think you've got to be specific. You can't just say Chinese. Anything's Chinese if a Chinese person makes it. If he makes you a fucking...

If he makes you a bolognese, it's Chinese, isn't it? No, no, no. No, I don't think that's how cuisine works, is it? If a Chinese fella makes you food, it's Chinese food.

If you go to an Italian restaurant and there is a Chinese pizza chef, I'll give you a bit random, you're not eating a margarita going, fuck, this Chinese is amazing. If I looked into the kitchen, I was like, fuck, John Chan. I'd be like, John Chan, the pizza chef.

Then I'm going to go with a solid down the line just a sweet and sour chicken then really fatty and sweet yeah no I'm not giving you that

salt and pepper chicken salt and pepper chicken 100% on a hangover yeah no you're wrong lad you're absolutely wrong

if we're putting our Chinese in this top five it is salt and pepper chicken salt and pepper chips as well they're hitting sweet and sour chicken doesn't come close to salt and pepper chicken. Salt and pepper chips as well. They're hitting me. Sweet and sour chicken doesn't come close to salt and pepper chicken

for a hangover. I didn't say it did for you, mate. This is my opinion. Well, your opinion's wrong. We're trying to create the halfway definitive list and you're fucking doing it with your shite shouts.

What's yours? Maccy D's. I'm going to go Maccy D's because in my head, the Chinese and like the Indian and the D, I love that, but that's the tea time order for a and the D I love that

but that's the tea time order for a hangover I in my head I went to the you know when you wake up and you're wobbly the first thing I want

I don't the lunch time the lunch time hangover early afternoon a mac and cheese a box of chicken nuggets and the fries I'd smash that now

and then whatever drink it is I could honestly I don't mind but it cannot be diet I need full sugary coke or Fanta

I asked Laura this this morning she was like it has to be full fat Fanta cherry coke shit's all over proper coke on a

a hangover so does Dr Pepper orange Lucasade orange Lucasade's number one anything Ribena and Iron Brew at lunchtime on a hangover what i normally do is go to the shop and just get like six drinks that's when you're ropey yeah i'll get an orange oasis orange lucasade a ribena and iron brew i've got two different

fizzies two different flats and i just like the like the levels come down at different speeds. Fucking absolute scientist. Orange Lucozade is a vital. Yeah. What about a fresh orange juice? That's good on a hangover. Do you know what I don't like? Here's the thing. So, you know, every time I've been hungover the past year,

I've thought I've had multiple sclerosis. It's oranges. That's the problem. A big part of that is my saliva gets thick and difficult to swallow, which is a symptom of MS, which is why I was convinced I had it, right? That's why I went for the MRI.

Orange juice makes that a lot worse, so I can't have orange juice on a hangover because it makes my saliva more thick. And you think he's got MS? When you go to the shop

for those six drinks, you're not fancying some crisps to just... Crisps. Crisps. Occasionally, but no but no very rarely i don't eat like i'm hungover now and i i haven't eaten yet i normally eat about nine o'clock at night haven't had nothing all day but i get fucking loads of shit oh yeah go into a coma of food

oh i need i need some toast at some point if i'm waiting for toast oh just some bread some just something to get in your putting toast in your hangover foods? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just, I can't believe you can't eat anything hungover. I'm straight to the carbs. Sometimes I can, it's rare though. Normally it's like nine o'clock at night before I even touch any dinner.

I'm shouting out Maccy D's when you feel like shit and someone goes, I'm going to do a McDonald's run. 20 nuggets. 20 nuggets. 20 nuggets and Maccy's chips. Yeah. There's something about them. The chicken nuggets

is just not too greasy. I've never shared a chicken nugget when it says share box on it. That's a fucking joke, isn't it? When you hung over? Have you ever shared a 20 box? Oh, it's ridiculous.

I asked you for a chicken McNugget the other week when you had a 20 box and I genuinely felt like I was testing our friendship. Yeah. And if you go and buy

nine nuggets as well, you're a lizard. Just buy 20 and don't eat 11. Just waste food. Cost 11. No, someone else can have them. Just buy food and throw it away.

No, someone else can have them. It's like a fucking 60p more. All right, you've said Chinese. Bacon! Right. Bacon. After the arena show, I went to meet Finn Taylor,

Garrett Millerick Alfie Brown and Rob Mulholland at the Clockworks RIP it's now show is it? is it?

oh can't plan any more shows in there oh no on the morning of and I ordered a slice of toast and four portions of bacon and didn't eat the toast

and Alfie Brown keeps bringing it up every time I see him because I just ate the bacon ooh hang on listen I'm with you bacon and didn't eat the toast and Alfie Brown keeps bringing it up every time I see him because I just ate the bacon oh hang on listen I'm with you with bacon but it's got to be in between some slices it hasn't oh what but he likes ham from the packer as well which I don't disagree with but I'd never go for it that's on my list if it's in the fridge I will slice me's in the fridge from the packer just proper cheap stuff as well hung over ham from the packer fridge from the packer. Just proper cheap stuff as well. Hungover ham from the packer.

Chicken from the packer. Turkey from the packer. And he's turning on me for toast. Oh my God. What about turkey ham? No. I don't get it. I don't know what it is.

What is it? What is turkey ham? That's the one thing that TikTok flags and you're like, oh shit, we've done it again. Don't put it in the clip. It's not my job. It's their job.

Just don't put the pedophile thing in the clip. That's not my job. That's their job. Just don't put the pedophile thing in the clip. Stop saying that. Turkey ham is for people who suck kids off for a living. It's the same thing, isn't it? It's exactly the same.

That's how they catch pedophiles. If you're anywhere near Bernard Matthews in Morrison's, they're like, oh, cool, sex offender. What is turkey ham? It's an abomination

to our Lord Jesus Christ. Is it pigs and turkeys I don't know what it is it must be reformed turkey and pork together it's two meats mushed into one listen I'm with you on bacon corned beef from the packet

you're regressing mate oh it's just turkey but it's the same shape as ham there you go slices of any meat just from the packet, just, oh. Can I throw pot noodle out there? You can. I'm throwing it right back at you, though.

It's a simple four-minute. You don't have to get up. You just have to boil a kettle, pour it, and sit back down. It's the emergency hangover food. It's four minutes. You can sit there, let it brew for a bit, and then it gets you warm. A pot noodle for me, a king size chicken and mushroom pot noodle

is a proper emergency hangover. Don't have to bring it all on, don't have to pay for it, it's there. I'm going to say a pasty of some sort, like a Greg's or a Pound Bakery or something like that. I love a pasty,

but on a hangover, I can't think of much things I'd rather not have. Not a sausage roll? No. Oh, I'd have to have four. It's too dry. I'd have to soak it in red sauce or brown sauce. Oh, I'm starving.

Mate, if I can get... No, not for me. A pasty. Like, I don't want anything too wet either, though. Like, that's why I don't want sweet and sour chicken. Not that I like it in any way. But, like, it has to be salt and pepper chicken because it's dry, but a pasty's too dry.

Oh, if you have honestly thought, when are they going to say soup you need? Come on. It's a massive soup with loads of buttery white bread. No, it's nice. Not on a hangover. It'd go off. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. If someone made me, I'd have nailed it. Yeah. He'd have soup with bacon on the side. It's a yellow card. Dip the bacon in it. Just bacon. Just bacon.

Just bacon. If I can get to tea time get down to Caspians and get the takeaway and get a chicken chicken kebab with chips and a garlic bread and cheese oh my god

it's so stodgy oh that is so my hangover tea time choice if I can get there I think garlic bread and cheese is the best pizza you can get on a hangover

I'd rather have that than like a pepperoni I can't have any you know a pizza it has to be margarita if I'm hungover it has to be margarita if I'm hungover it has to be plain as fuck so a pizza

but it's no meat yeah plain marg but cheesy something about garlic bread I think it's the grease what you're looking for

with a hangover is the salt in it a little bit of salt and a bit of stodge soak it up and then the sugar of the drink where's Indian here

is Indian even in the options for a hangover no it's too much hassle no yeah it's too much hassle of the drink. Where's Indian here? Is Indian even in the options for a hangover? No. It's too much hassle. No? Yeah. You've got to set the table up, haven't you?

You can't eat an Indian in bed. No. You've got to set the table up. Also, do you ever spill a bit of curry and it gets on the dining table? Oh, the stains, whatever. And you're like, what is that doing to my insides because that doesn't look good?

It's literally... But your insides aren't made out of dining table, are they? Fact. Do You know what? You're so right. What are we saying about sweet, sweet stuff? I like ice cream. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, but we mean hangover food, how the money be gone? What a hangover, like, bacon and ice cream. Ice cream from one of those dessert places. There's gelato by ours and it's heavy. Heavy. But it's got to be after one of these.

Top five is, you've been over-doodled on the Chinese, it's salt and pepper chicken. Yeah, I agree. Go for it. Nuggets from Mackey's. Yeah. Pot noodles in there.

Pot noodle is in there. It's not getting my vote. It's so easy. You go and it's just four minutes. Meat from the packet or pot noodle, if you had to pick one? Pot noodle. No!

Is that the stay-at-home option? Yeah. Meat from the packet? Yeah. All day. Well, he's a veggie, so he's not buying meat from the packet, and a pot noodle is veggie.

But I did used to scram loads of ham from the packet. Ham from the packet's heavy, but I'm going pot noodle for me. Sorry. I'd go garlic bread above that. Yeah. Garlic bread and a kebab. So it's Chinese,

Maccies, garlic bread. If they don't leave the house or order, this is like, it's in the kitchen, pour a kettle on it, bam.

It's easy, it's the emergency. Yeah, it's emergency. It needs to be an emergency. That's why I said toast, man. It's just the easiest thing when you're ranted. Pot noodle shit on toast.

Me from the packet's number four for me. Pot noodle's in there. It is. Listen, I know that I have them for Christmas, but my nachos when I'm on Gover

is unbelievable. Are you going to make them? Well, they don't take long. They take two minutes. Orange lucasade is going to be its own thing. If there was a place around the corner

that were like, yeah, nachos and they brought them around in that voice, I'd go there. See, this is the thing, isn't it? If it's in the house, is it more valuable

than the fucking takeaway because sometimes if I'm really ill I will go the option I've had dominoes where you're like I don't even want this but I know it's just

getting delivered at midday yeah yeah that's why I'm going pot noodle because it's a solid I think pot noodle

is a wild shout and I would have crisp above a pot noodle yeah so mine is bacon chicken maccies nuggets wild shout and I would have crisp above a pot noodle. Yeah. Mine is some bit of chicken, Maccy's nuggets, some sort of pizza with no meat on, garlic bread or margarita I'll give you.

Fourth, I'd go ham from the packet or another meat from the packet. Fifth, I'm going crisp. No sweet. Not in the top five. It used to be salty on a hangover. You're replacing the salt. Mate, give me a shout if you agree.

That bacon is a great shout, but it needs some form of bread or toast around it. Bacon's above meat in the packet, and then that's there. Get in the comments, because he's always so right in his head. That bacon is such a good shout. You need to put it between two slices of bread or toast.

You don't need to. Come on, bro. It's better if you do. You don't need to. it between two slices of bread or toast you don't need to come on bro it's better if you do you don't need to what about plumes well I need them at my age clear me out

where there's originals if you see a man at the counter with where there's originals and turkey chicken turkey chicken what is it turkey ham

turkey ham I got turkey tuna could be chicken from turkey Turkey chicken. Turkey chicken. What is it? Turkey ham. Turkey ham. I got turkey tuna. Could be chicken from Turkey. Yeah. There you go. And what's your top five? Because we're right and you're wrong,

but let's see it anyway. Fuck, I love nachos. I'm so hungry. Should we do a quick... No, we're fucking that's that's jim jeffries is here yeah let's do jimmy jeffries jimmy jeffries which he's never been called jim jeffries absolute ledge let's go get him on baby welcome back to part three of this week's episode and we have got an absolute hero in the building jim jeff. Welcome to the show. Oh, thanks for having me, lads. I appreciate it. Have you pressed the wrong button?

Have you pressed the wrong button? Fucking penis. Is there meant to be a sound? Just want to be a bit cheering. Oh, I don't have the headphones. I can't wear the headphones. It makes me head-ottie. I like the headphones.

I can hear how I sound. We can give you the pen a bit. I can hear the cheering. No, I don't have them now. I don't want them. I don't want fucking... You're projecting beautifully, mate. Oh, thank thank you it's when the guests come on like i've known you for 20 something years dan i was just thinking about it you were working at the

hyena as a sound tech as a sound tech and i used to live in that apartment above the hyena when performing i didn't live there all the time that was always a good that was that was uh for meeting girls that was a good club because you lived right upstairs they gave me they gave me the the flat above the club they were like it was muhammad that owned it and he was like if you live here you're so annoyingly into all of the comics and like you want to hang around with them you can just live here and then they'll stay here and i won't have to pay for hotels and i think it was about three months into that arrangement jim turned up and he was the you were the first guy like in your mid 20s at the time or like early 20s early 20s who was fun and cool because i'd been like i want to be a comedian and then a load of dad comics like three months of

dad comics who did the worst and then jim turned up and then jj whitehead turned up and i was like oh thank fuck for that being a comedian's gonna be fun and 20 years turns up and you've still got a sound desk jj whitehead opens for me in america and he's i think he's a year older than me but he's still that dude man he's like fonzie like you know like he's still that dude, man. He's like Fonzie. You know how like Fonzie was like this guy who we thought was cool, but he really just lived in a studio apartment and shagged teenagers down at a milk bar? You know what I mean?

Sounds great. He was a fucking middle-aged guy. His bathroom was his office, and his kids were like, that's the coolest guy that ever lived yeah it's still fucking but i remember we'd go upstairs and and it was always funny when you live in apartments with comedians when you have to do gigs because there'd be comedians you wouldn't get along with or there'd be comedians that you get along with but you shouldn't be living with them yeah i used to bug this shit out of michael Michael McIntyre and I did fucking two or three weekends in that club

and my lifestyle did not pair up with Michael McIntyre's lifestyle whatsoever. Made Michael McIntyre say, I can't remember anything about Michael McIntyre. I can't remember him saying, I've got so many mental images of you and me on the pier. Paul Sinner was always... Paul Sinner was still doing that now.

Paul Sinner has been diagnosed with Parkinson's. He's still got that lifestyle. He's like, I'm not letting it beat me. I think he's married now or whatever, but he picked up a lot of men at the hyena. I remember I heard a lot of gay sex through the wall. Which you told them on stage. lot of gay sex through the wall you know yeah yeah there's only so many times i can have a wait before i'm empty and i just want to go to bed you know but but uh but yeah paul i remember

i'll tell you my favorite michael mcintyre story so there's the infamous me getting punched on stage in manchester right and a lot of people don't know that the other comic was Michael McIntyre right so he'd gone on before me and so you know the Manchester Comedy Store there's like the stage is a spiral staircase to get down to the basement then you walk through to the dressing room right so the guy comes up punches me the audience comes up and tries to you know defend me or whatever I duck out through the back door I go say, I'm clutching the side of my head. I've got a black eye. And I'm walking down and I'm sort of swearing and huffing and puffing.

Now, Michael was very clearly watching the whole show on a TV in the dressing room. But as he heard me coming, he quickly changed the channel. And when I walk in, the cunt's just sitting there watching Snooker. And he goes, he doesn't even turn around he goes how did it go and i go not good michael i just got punched in the face and he went no one can follow me do you know what considering he's like the Mr. Saturday Night family entertainment comedian, I'm just glad to know he's got that sense of humor.

Oh, yeah, he's a fun guy, Michael. Yeah, he's funny. To put the fucking snooker on and face the wall. But the fact is he didn't even show concern. He wouldn't even look at me. He was just like... And then I remember we were watching the surveillance footage and he was clapping going, it doesn't disappoint.

I'm just so happy that that punch to the face happened before camera phones because, you know, like we just had that one angle, you know, and then if there was camera phones, maybe people would have seen the jokes before or whatever. I can't even remember why I was here. Did he really? I mean, it was very famous very quickly on it like but did he really clout you was it an it was just i had a little sort of crescent moon sort of bruise i didn't have a full black eye he he was at full extension and just went dunk but if you watch the

beginning of it it's very clear that i hadn't been speaking to him or anything like that because when he comes on stage, the first thing I say is, oh, hang on, mate. I thought this was a guy who couldn't find the bathroom. I was like, oh, hang on, mate. You shouldn't be up here. So I went and saw Netflix is a joke comedy festival happening in Los Angeles.

I live in Los Angeles. And I was hanging out with Jimmy Carr, did a show, so I hanged out with Jimmy. And then afterwards, Jimmy had also opened for Chappelle at the Hollywood Bowl. About six comics did, but he did the Hollywood Bowl gig. And then afterwards, I get invited to, they have a show called Dave and Buster. Dave and Buster is a video arcade in, so it's a pun on words,

but it was Buster Rhymes concert, right? So we go to this Buster Rhymes concert with Dave Chappelle. The height of COVID, by the way, this was just, we were still all meant to be wearing masks. I was like, oh, I guess we're getting it. Like I was the second most awkward person in that room and I looked fucking awkward, but Jimmy Carr looks so out

of his fucking element the cunt had a briefcase at a buster rhymes concert is he still suited oh yeah yeah he's in a full suit with his fucking briefcase man and ronnie chang was there as well we just that that grouping we didn't look right in the buster but anyway so buster rhymes is getting older. This is off topic a bit because he's like, he's like singing the song, the whole room's jumping up and all that type of stuff. And he goes, before the next song, I want to talk about something that's important. Get your prostate checked.

That made me feel so fucking old because I remember Buster Rhymes he goes get your prostate checked I got my prostate checked and it saved my life and then he pops open a thing of champagne

and goes now let's slap this bitch off right there and so like in between in between songs me and Ronnie Chang

were turning to each other going I want to talk to you about reverse mortgages. You know, you go and hold when the rappers you grew up with are giving you medical advice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of that. So I get called over to Chappelle.

I get, like, Dave wants to meet you. So I'm like, all right. So I've never met Dave Chappelle, so I walk up. Dave Chappelle says to me that night, he goes, I watched lots of your stuff, blah, blah, blah, all nice stuff. And then he goes, Bill Burr backstage tonight just showed me a video of you getting punched in the head. That shit was insane.

And then I talked through the whole story. This is what happened, blah, blah, blah. He goes, that's crazy. How did they let that happen? The next day he gets tackled by a guy with a knife at the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, shit. Was that the next day?

The next day, because there was two concerts. It was the second concert where it happened. The first concert went fine. Well, do you know what? And Jimmy Carr was allegedly standing next to the cunt in the wing. The guy got to the wing and just sort of... Not long after that happened,

Chappelle came over to do the Liverpool Arena with Chris Rock. They did like a double headliner show the night before it chapelle dropped in to hot water comedy club and did like three hours on stage with jeff ross and had security stood like you're the first guest we've had on who's brought an eastern european security guard with him chapelle had like six of them and they were stood in the aisles of the comedy club there's people who just couldn't see the show because he's just got people now

with him stood around the stage afterwards we had a chat with him and stuff and he goes I want to go and get some Chinese for a work and a go

I was like I'll take you down the road and he goes well I'll meet you there I'm going to get in the car and we were like oh he's just fucking us off

and going home he went to the Chinese but he was like I can't walk the streets at the minute because I'm worried that I'm going to get tackled with a knife again because of the Hollywood Yeah, yeah.

It does say gap. Well, yeah, I think he does a whole lot of routines now in his new show about how bodyguards are kind of useless. Like they clean up the mess. Because I had a couple, I had, I had, I i got it like so i had two incidents in britain this one was actually actually much worse than the comedy store one but i i'd done some you know it was the height of the iraq war i think bush was in government i i may have done some jokes about the iraq war i don't know but there was some soldier who had just come back who was a little... And he fucking...

I was just standing at the bar talking to another comedian. I wasn't doing anything and I was grabbed by the back of the hair and he smashed my head into a table and I fractured just my skull

here on my nose because it was hit here but that's the softest part. So above the bridge of the nose. Do it on stage, mate. Yeah, do it on stage. No one's recording. Yeah, but that's the softest part. So above the bridge of the nose. You're like, do it on stage, mate. Yeah, do it on stage. No one's recording. Yeah, but I fucking, I went down and I fucking, God bless the British, man, because I was on a work permit.

I wasn't paying much taxes, right? I was very, you know. And Jim Jefferies is my real name. My real last name is Nugent, just the stagey thing, you know, when you're young, right? And I went into hospital for five days and the NHS never asked my real name. Never asked my real name. Fucking gave me morphine and fucking I was there for five days

and then I just sort of left like basil faulty with the bandage still around your fucking head what a great health care system we don't need to know who you are just have some fucking immigrants i showed up at the reading festival was my next gig with a fucking bandage around my head clearly was some still brain damage like i was still a bit off i was on a lot of a lot of pills i got a clee story i'm sort of i'm telling her on this tour at the moment when does this come out this podcast tomorrow and monday so tomorrow's right patrons and monday public we've only got two more gigs to sort of plug we we all this the two are sold out we've got an extra show in manchester we had an extra show in london so if you want to in Manchester, and there's a few tickets left in Birmingham, but they'll go. But so during COVID, I'll tell a very abridged version of this, but during COVID,

I get a phone call from Rob Schneider. And Rob Schneider was writing a movie with this Australian comic called Monty Franklin. And it was set in Australia. And he wanted me to put some sort of Australian jokes or whatever into this script and he says, oh, can you come and write this movie with me? And he goes, I'll give you additional credit for jokes. Like I didn't write the story, you know. And so I was like, oh, my wife's pregnant, we're at the height of COVID, I don't want to leave the house because she's worried, blah, blah, blah.

And then he's like, well, I'm living with John Cleese in a house in Phoenix and he's writing the movie with us because John Cleese is going to be in the film. And so I'm like, I want to live in a house with John Cleese and write jokes with a guy from Monty Python. So fuck yes, I just left my wife like, I just said, just stay in the house and I'll post mate your food or something you'll be fine and i drove out to phoenix and i fucking i lived with like john cleese and rob

schneider for for a couple of weeks that's insane and it was yeah it was me deuce bigelow and basil faulty fucking swimming around in a pool every day we'd swim and we'd hear all these stories about fucking how he wrote the dead parrot sketch and all this type of stuff but anyway right at the end of it rob's mother passed this is a very abridged version rob's mother passed away so then for a while and then monty went for a while it was just me monty john cleese's daughter, Camilla, in this house. And then I went to get a COVID test before I came. And then I came back and, John, we'd been doing this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle together.

And I said to John, I've got to go. And he goes, oh. That's some ridiculous stuff. He's like, how about if it was a Hungarian castle that John thinks he performed in once? And so we were like, he was like, do you want to finish this jigsaw? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll fucking give it a go, you know. And so we're doing it.

And then what I'm doing then, I get a text and it says, you have COVID. And I'm sitting across from my 82-year-old unvaccinated hero. That jigsaw's not going to finish itself. I just sat there for minutes And he's going And then Chapman didn't want the parrot to be dead And blah blah blah

And I'm like Fucking hell I've just killed John Cleese But it turned out It turned out it was a fucking false positive And back in those days There was false negatives But there was no false positives

And the drive from Phoenix to Los Angeles is six hours, but the only thing between it is desert and butt-fucked towns. And every single little butt-fucked town I went through, I stopped off and got another COVID, and I was clean, I was clean, I was clean, I was clean. So by the time I got back to the Y. There was definitely false positives in the end because kids in Liverpool were pouring Fanta on the tests

because that came up positive Fanta would give you a positive test yeah and trust Scouse kids to figure that out nothing Dr Pepper nothing coke nothing I've got it yeah who still drinks Fanta as an adult have you ever sat down for a lot? Do you still drink? What? There's loads of them 10 minutes before you got here. Really? You have orange soda?

Oh, I don't. I'm strictly Mexican soda now. How do you toss? What? How do you toss? I thought you said, how do you toss? Same as everyone else, mate. Like Mexican coconut, that type of stuff.

They're the best soda it comes from mexico they they still use cane sugar and the old recipes and all that type of stuff and less additives yeah it's a hell of a news agent that's selling mexican fucking pop around oh i didn't know you got it over here yeah yeah yeah it's a lot more expensive though oh yeah yeah it's like american candy stores over here and you'll get it in there. Fuck American candy, man. Yes, chef. Fuck American. You guys, I came in, you had fucking Cadbury's, you had some Crunchies. I was over the moon.

I'm taking some home with me. I've taught my 10-year-old boy, fuck Hershey's, son, right? And I only have British or Australian Cadbury's in the house. I'll have some Mars, but if Galaxy gets in there, I won't turn it away. Right? But I won't eat fucking American candy. It's all shit. It's bitter, isn't it?

It's all salty as fuck. It's grainy. Yeah. It's great. Like, I like the idea of a Reese's peanut butter cup. I like the peanut butter, but imagine that with Cadbury's on the outside. Wow. It's like when I was out here for my sister-in-law's wedding

and there was one of those adverts, like those Channel 4 ones where all the bricks fall down into the corner, you know, and they're like this, Easter's coming and cabris. Cabris. Is cabris really as good as you think? And I know what the documentary's going to fucking be. There's some slave labour or some child labour with the cocoa beans, right? Yeah.

I fucking assume this. I don't need to know, right? I was watching this on my fucking iPad, you know what I mean? Like in my Nike shoes. Don't fuck up Cadbury's for me. I won't have it. Cadbury's has been there my whole life. I fucking, that's the chocolate we were

arguing with uh finn about this a couple of weeks ago so finn uh thinks that galaxy no lint lint lint's very good but lint's slightly oily lint's a fine chocolate a real good chocolate but if you only have one chocolate for the rest of your life you just just have Cadbury's. Like Lindt feels like a special occasion, but then sometimes you can eat shit tons of Cadbury's. You can just keep eating it all day. Lindt, you have two or three Lindor balls and you go, yeah, I'm done with that. It's so good.

Yeah, yeah, I'm done with it. It's very good. And I think my wife's British and my wife prefers Galaxy, but, you know, look, we make the marriage work. You know, but it's a solid, you know what's good about Cadbury's? It doesn't fucking, it's a good, honest chocolate. It's not up its own ass. All the other chocolates are like this.

Here at Lindor, it's got a guy with a big fucking white hat, right? We know who's in the factory. We know the type of people who work at the Cadbury factory and they're not there with a whisk and a bowl. I think chocolatier sounds really ego-y, doesn't it? As soon as you say the word artisan, you can fuck off. Our artisan chocolatiers are doing this. You're like, our artisan bread, when they start doing this shit,

you may either make good bread or bad bread. Don't give me this artisan bread. But what I like about Cadbury's is this, like this, a glass and a half of milk. That's their secret to their recipe. You look at that bar, it's got a full glass and a half and then not just any milk full cream dairy milk like of course it's like my wife's vegan so she's always trying to push oat milk chocolate

onto me or something like that my dad gets into arguments with my wife because my dad my dad's old school and it's like so she has has oat milk and my dad goes, this milk is bloody not good. It's made out of oats, Dad. And he's like, look, it shouldn't be called milk. It's not milk. Milk comes from cows. And then there's the debate. Well, then don't call it peanut butter.

There's no bossa today. What? There's no bossa in peanut butter. There's no butter in peanut butter. It's just crushed up fucking peanuts. Is there? Do you think peanut butter is a dairy product? Yeah.

It's not a butter, is it? I thought it had been mixed with a butter. So did I. I also thought it's a... You can't milk it out. No, you can have cashew butter. You can have macadamia butter. I agree.

Surely something happens to it between being a nut and... It's just peanuts. They might put some oil in there and stuff. It's just, there's no... It's paste.. They might put some oil in there and stuff. It's just there's no... It's paste. It's paste. Yeah, vegans can eat peanut butter. Is that true?

I didn't know that until right now. He's a vegan. No, I'm not. I'm veggie. Yeah, you're a sensible fella. Yeah. You're a sensible fella. The vegans are ridiculous, folk.

Like my wife sort of has a fondness for Paulul mccartney because of his diet not his music which is always pleasant right and then and then in the interview he's like oh i gotta watch me work you know because you know too much cheese and then my wife went off the couch i try to do like i can do that old ringer like, hello there, John, we've had a nice day. That's good. That one, you know, when you do ringer like that. But I just, okay, so you know Lee Mack's show,

The 1% Club? No. It's like a game show here in the UK. It's like those people in like booths. Yeah, there's a hundred contestants and they all go well i host the australian version right it's fucking weird it's like a proper game show man like with lights that go and then like time for the 40 question i'm a fucking fraud it's it's it's it's like not stand up and like people are going to go me for it

but you know when you get asked something like do you want to host a game show and you're like sure I'll give it a crack and I think I cost the show a lot of money because my dyslexia one time I had to read the question twice and the guy got it in the final second and I think it cost him a lot of fucking money

I would have been a good host of like is it cake the host of like is it cake I could have I fucking hate the host of that program is an awful man yeah

either way the most boring man ever yeah he's Mikey Day isn't he is he a comedian he's a sketch guy you meet him as well so no

but it's very strict it's for kids you can't be doing like cutting edge fucking stand up no nobody it's a bited. Mate, it's for kids to watch. You can't be doing like cutting edge fucking stand-up. No, nobody's... It's a bit boring, isn't it? Yeah, I want to do one. One question game show, just fat or pregnant.

That'll be the whole thing. Fat or pregnant will be the show, and there'll be a person, and I won't say what gender they are because I don't want the show to be political. Okay? But it'll be a person who could be fat or pregnant, but I won't say her gender. And there's one question.

How would you win? Ah, just the joy of knowing. You have to get like 10 right in a row for like an underground race. But if you get it wrong at any point, you've just lost. Cool, I like it. Yeah, fat or pregnant. Some of them might be very pregnant, And some of them won't be very pregnant, and some of them won't be very fat.

They're the difficult ones. Yeah, you'll just look for like, you go, I think that one might be pregnant. Don't call them that one, of course. They're still people in a way. Oh, it's a horrible dressing room. Oh, yeah. Casting of the show

is very difficult like trying to get actual because the people the people you ask the question about they don't win any prize money

they just get the joy of knowing what people think about them just had a nice day out potentially I always think that in like sitcoms and stuff

when someone's clearly being hired to be ugly or fat oh I always think how the fuck do they hire chandler's friends like chandler's dad in friends is a woman yeah a famous woman yeah a famous woman that i used to wank off to as a kid she was from romance in the stone i used to wank off to it as well but only as chandler's dad do you know what I mean do you know what I mean someone's meant to be famous no what's her name Turner she was a famous

she was a hot thing in the 80s do you remember in Home Alone Buzz's girlfriend when Macaulay Culkin's going through Buzz's room he goes woof

and there's a picture and he goes Buzz your girlfriend woof yeah they didn't want to upset any like girl that they had

the picture of so they got the director's son to dress up as a girl with a wig and they took a picture so it wasn't offensive well when we did my my sitcom legit right so i had a scene with uh ginger gonzaga now ginger gonzaga now is she's the lead in the new true lies uh tv show she was the second lead in she hulk right very pretty. And when you write the script, it was from an old stand-up routine

about how good-looking women don't know how much a drink costs, where ugly women, they know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And when the bill comes, the nice ones will reach for the purse, but when you say, no, I've got it, they're very quick to pull away. So I was doing that thing with Ginger. And when you write the script, you just go, the character description was just ugly girl, right? And when you're writing the script, who gives a fuck?

You just go, ugly girl. I turned to ugly girl. How much are the drinks here? And she's like, a beer is $ dollars and a spirit is eight like that right and then when you actually cast it and the girl shows up and you're like hello you're not that ugly are you but what's the place what are you looking for we're looking for ugly people how do the they'll have terms for it won't't they? A challenging aesthetic. Non-traditionally beautiful. Well, there was another episode where there was a bar

that we couldn't get into. And when we did get into the bar, the bar was filled with really attractive people. And then there was this other bar that we could get into where there was just duggos in there, right? And that one, that's just extras. It's just people who are never going to be a leader they're just people who are getting 50 bucks for the day and a lunch right and so they show up and then you send like a guy like the ad the assistant director goes up and he

just goes you there you there you there you there and they're not told why right but I think when he's like ace into you there you there I think there becomes a period in the middle where you're like oh no and at first

they'd be like I usually get put in the back how did I get picked first And at first they'd be like, I usually get put in the back. It's just my big chance. How did I get picked first? Never been picked first before. Yeah, I've always wondered that. Are they looking for like ugly? Is that on the thing?

Well, you can imagine Paul Giamatti and Steve Buscemi don't go, maybe I'll get a good-looking role today. But it's a fucking tough business, man. You know, like you have to – I think what's worse is when you start off good-looking and as your career goes on, you go up. So like Marlon Brando was the most handsome man in the world and then it's just like fat slob on an island

that's when they got mental innit when their looks were the thing that held them up and then all of a sudden it starts going a little bit

Johnny Depp creaky Johnny Depp's going off a cliff isn't he but he's in his 50s you know what I'm saying he used to be like held up like

you know oh no there's still nothing wrong with Depp you'd be happy to look that good I'd have a go of him as well I'm just saying He used to be held up like, you know. Oh, no, there's still nothing wrong with Depp. You'd be happy to look that good. I'd have a go of him as well. I'm just saying he's nice.

No, but have you seen him since the end of the trial? Because Jordan, the trial, he was like, man who used to be really good looking in his 50s at the trial. And since then, he looks like he could easily be his own dad. He looks like a little, no. Like he's gone. Well, I bet you the trial aged him. You know, I've gone grey in marriage, you know, like it ages you.

Oh, that was poor old Johnny Depp. Well, it's good of him to stand next to Alice Cooper there. That'll set him off. Yeah, when you've been doing two kilograms of coke every six months. I mean. That's him there. Yeah. That's him.

He looks like his mum yeah exactly he's gone off a fucking cliff mate you've what you've gone grey

a little bit you've broken a salt and pepper Jim everything's fine look at the fucking state of his head he's fucking fuck me

even in court he looked alright oh that's with a filter they aged that picture up made him look a bit no they really haven't. No, they have. They have a little bit.

Only slightly, though. Someone stuck a rancid filter on that. The court's taken it out of them, should we say that? Yeah, we've all been in there with crazies. And also, let's not put it back to him next to the crybaby picture. That's fucking 21 Jump Street days. You can't go 21 jump street now give us a bit of pirates of the caribbean now something comparable you can't go back four decades

and get into the country he doesn't look as good as he did when he was 20 beautiful androgynous johnny depp at 19 yeah oh yeah he was good looking well you ever heard the story i don't know if you'll ever tell it. I don't think it'll be. I was just partying with his, well, I don't drink, but I was getting high the other night with our good friend Tom Stade. Tom Stade. Tom Stade, man.

I tell you what I'm going to do for you, Jimmy. I'm going to bring you some weed, man, because it's been too long. So him and Trudy comes along and it's always me and Trudy, you know. So he came along. But try to get the story out of him. It was filmed in Toronto and I believe that Tom Stade was the original casting over Johnny Depp for 21 Jump Street. Yeah.

I don't know the full story. I know a very blanket, but there might've been, I just didn't show up, man. You know, like there's something like that. There's some Tom stayed story. I don't want to say it because I might get the facts wrong. But next time you interview stayed. That feels a lot like when I tell people I could have played for Liverpool if it wasn't for me and me.

Do you know what I mean? Look, he... He's a beautiful man. He's still a good looking man. And he fucking drinks and smokes and fucking he's partied every fucking day of his life. It isn't a major, major role either, is it? In 21 Jump Street.

No, no, no. It was Johnny Depp's first role as well so it wasn't like Johnny Depp was a star and Tom Staple it was like they were all unknown cast members so you know like it doesn't mean that he was going to have he I remember the first time I got to Hollywood I did some auditions for some movies and there was a movie that I got, I was down to the final two and I'd been there for like two weeks and it was a Mike Judge film and I like Mike Judge and I was like, oh, this is great.

And then What's His Name from Ozarks was the lead in it. Jason Bateman. Jason Bateman was the lead in it and Mila Kunis was one of the leads. It was a movie called Extract, right? And I don't know if it did very well or whatever. It was a comedy film called Extract about these factory workers or whatever. And so I auditioned and auditioned and auditioned.

And then I got to screen testing and then I actually screen tested with Bateman. And I was like, I never had any acting. I was like, fucking hell. And they're like, it's between you and this other guy. And then I get the phone call. They went with the other guy. And I said, who's the other guy?

And they went, Ben Affleck. And I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Why? How is it? Was Ben Affleck going for all these auditions? And they were going, they were just looking at the $20,000 option versus the $2 million option.

And they were doing the calculations whether he would bring in that amount of tickets or because it was just a bit part. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's how I lost out

that role. I had a very similar thing with Who Gets the Date, Jennifer Lopez. It was between me and Ben Affleck and he just tipped me to it. Two nil.

She went back to him. Yeah. That's fucking... That's the devil you know, she said. Well, we'll see. Did she tell you That's the devil you know, she said. Well, we'll see. Did she tell you that yet? Yeah.

She's actually that. Are you still upset about J-Lo getting back with Ben Affleck? You've got to let this one go, kid. Is that your gem, Jennifer Lopez? I mean, it's everyone's gem, surely. She's getting older now. She looks good older. She still looks good.

Let's get her compared to Johnny Depp. You're still only getting 10 years out of her before you go, what have I done? Yeah, but you've got to understand. No. No. You know what I mean? She still looks very good right now, but 60-60, man.

You can't fucking fake 60. No, but you've got to understand that if that's my option. What do you mean you can't fake 60? Look, she's doing, that's 50. Yeah, she's got 10 more years. What are we talking about? I'd take 10 more years. I'm guessing.

But I would fuck 60 year old Jennifer Lopez. I would fuck 60 year old Jennifer Lopez, but I don't want to be in a full blown relationship. Oh. She's got a good pension. No. Look, okay, this is the thing, right? You take Pamela at 35, I'm a Bruno Shado at 20.

You know who's more fun at 60 is a beaten up Johnny Depp. To look like that, she has to eat clean, get to bed at 8 fucking p.m. She's no fun. No fun at all. Although, Christy Brinkley at 70,

you'd back and you'd go you'd do it christy brinkley's the best looking 70 if i got to go through the decades that's my best one my best looking is helen mirren 80 yet she must be she's gotta be she's who is that christy brinkley you young kids you don't bloody know christy christine brinkley i don't know sorry oh you're so bad at the internet you don't know who christy brinkley. I don't know, sorry. Oh, he's so bad at the internet. You don't know who Christie Brinkley is? No, he doesn't know letters. He's Welsh. Have you ever heard the song Uptown Girl?

Is that her? Uptown Girl. Yeah, she's 69. 69? She's 69. She's still holding on to it. She was married to Billy Joel for a while. Billy Joel as well?

Yeah, she... Oh, yeah, yeah. Would you fuck Billy Joel? I'm going with Billy, actually. Yeah, she had a kid fuck Billy Joel? I'm going with Billy actually She had a kid with Billy Joel Who sadly had the talent of Christy Brinkley In the looks of Billy Joel Where's Helen?

Helen Mirren's 77 Christy Brinkley all day I'm coming across as a pig on this podcast. I'm just going to be in. That's what we built it on. I've just played a game called Fat or Pregnant

and now I'm judging 70-year-old women's looks. I'd be quite happy to retire to me Poirot years with Helen Millen, me. Just sitting all day

watching Bargain Hunt and fucking Murder, She Wrote, with her. Do you think she wants to do that? Oh,

yeah. I reckon she would for me. All right, what era of the Queen would have you gone All right, what era of the Queen would have you gone? What? What era of the Queen would have you gone? So we had this conversation when she was alive. Yeah.

I just look at the old Australian coins and go, yeah, that was a good time. I'd have been with the Queen right up until she left us, just for the story alone. To be able to turn to my mates in the pub one day and be like, I fucked the queen back. Like the day she died

when everyone went to the pub to be like, just so you all know, I've kept this under me for a while. Why do you have to turn to your friends? Why can't you be facing

them in this conversation? Why is there a big reveal when you're at the bar? We're all sat round watching the telly so I have to turn and be like, I fucked her by the way.

Well, there is someone who fucked the queen, isn't there? It's in the crown. No, before Philip. fucked the queen isn't there it's in the crown no before Philip it's in the crown yeah but it's not do you know

two years before she died no it was lad lenders a tenner funny story guess what I got stuck in the UK when because I was

I was here for my sister-in-law's wedding and that just so happened the queen died that day that I landed and so I was not doing comedy I was just out here for a wedding and then I couldn't get fucking back into America because of the funeral just so happened the queen died that day that i landed and so i was not doing comedy i just

out here for a wedding and then i couldn't get fucking back into america because of the funeral and there was to be no planes flying overhead so it seems so weird because i remember when my mother died and it was it was a race against the clock for me to get back to australia before to see her before she died you know i had to race back there and get there just in time there would have been people in this country who had to rush to another country to fucking see their dying relative but oh no the queen had died you know we can't fly over so fucking stupid they cancelled comedy in most cities they were like we can't have comedy now well my sister-in-law's wedding,

there was a strict no confetti rule. Because of the queen. No confetti, because we're in mourning. There was to be no confetti. I reckon that's just the cunt who had to clean up made that rule. I reckon he was just down

the church steps like this, go, tell them they can't have confetti. Why? The fucking queen. Just say the queen. So before mine and Dan's tour last year, separate tours, like this guy tell them they can't have confetti the fucking queen just say the queen so before mine and Dan's tour last year

separate tours we made a bet with each other and it was Dan could pick my walk on music for my tour and then I got

to pick his I had to go first so I panicked because I was like if I piss him off I'm going to ruin my own tour it was a queen toss

to see who went first no he was on tour first. My tour was earlier. Why don't you just write them down simultaneously? Ah, good thoughts that I didn't have. Adam? So he picked I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Yeah.

Who doesn't like that song? Yeah. Bit of fun. I gave him the national anthem, right? Which was funny anyway, as an anti-royalist. But then his tour kicked off the week before she died.

In Belfast. Ah, yes. I did Belfast, Dublin. And then finished. And is there recordings of God Save the King? Did they whip them out right away? No, it was a couple of months after. So the venue he was doing the weekend she died,

I had to ring him and go look we still want your show to go ahead at the weekend you know you've sold the place out whatever but we just want to make sure

there's nothing in the show that could be misconstrued as taking the piss out of the Queen and he had to be like well I've got a bet with me podcast co-host

and I am walking on to God save the Queen well he said it'll be like a tribute to her yeah i also had a catholic northern irish opener that was that was another layer did the audience enjoy it um it nearly got pulled the bosses of the place nearly pulled it and then the top boss went everyone's a professional let's not piss everyone off people have bought tickets as long as he doesn't go out of his way to upset anyone it's fine and so vittorio my brilliant opener vittorio angeloni i had to go to him look i can't

tell you not to say anything but if you have to take the piss we have to move the gig because we can do this all again in four months time. I don't want my mates who promote their gig there to lose the gig. He was like, I'll be sound. We'll just get through it. Why don't you just let him not have this song?

No, no. I wanted the song because if a venue turns around and goes, Imagine if Rod said Fred died, how hard it would have been for you. You know she doesn't sing the song. I know, but it's... I reckon she would have sung it once or twice, right?

She has to have sung it round the house, surely. She's probably singing it round the house. No, I'm too sexy. God save me. Finn, did you think we were talking about the Queen singing her own anthem? Yeah. No.

I will say this about the Queen, right, because I'm not a monarch. I came from a monarchist family. My mother loved the royal family, adored. I used to have to stand on the side of the road with flowers as a child. I was pulled from school whenever the royals visited because that would have been my – if I could have given flowers – I got some flowers to Diana, but they didn't – and I was quite old by then i was like 12

you know and i had to do it i had to do it my mom made me she fucking my mother would watch the royal wedding between charles and diana about once a month right up until the day she died years after diana died years after they were divorced, my mum was still watching that wedding. And I imagine when we left the room, she put one leg up on the lazy boy and flicked a bean. Because she fucking, she, my mother fucking loved the, loved monarchy. Like we had, we had, we had a picture of the queen,

like plates, commemorative plates. And all that shit, man, living in Australia. She'd have fucking hated my tour show in Nantwich. See, I'm an Australian Republican. I want Australia to vote for a republic. I've campaigned for it. Like when we had a vote for it, I actually stood out and hand flyers to people. I think it's a thing that Australia really needs to do.

The Queen's off your money now. What? Okay, still on the coins? Because this is what happened with Australia. She was only on the $5 note. She was still on the $5 note. And there was a way you could fold the $5 note to make her chin look like a ball sack

and a rod of a cock going into a vagina. But it was just her pearl necklace. If anyone can find me an Australian, I might have one on me. No one's going to do it instantly on a guy hang on no that's the australian i've never thought about it the amount of cocaine that has whistled past the queen's fucking face so so on the australian five we had the queen and then when she dies they're like this is a real debate. What, are we going to put Charles on there and replace the money

in seven years' fucking time? We're not doing this. There was talk of like, there was talk like, oh, maybe we could just go straight to George, you know, Prince George. Like jump a couple of monarchs, right, so that the money will always be there. You know, just have a picture of him as a baby. You know when he was red-faced at the rugby?

At the Euro Cup. Just that picture of him looking like he has gout. Fucking five-year-olds. Gout. On the money. No, but you see him at the Euros? Yeah. When he was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

George, he's fucking ready to go. I'd have him as king tomorrow. I'd go back to the days. I'd let him cut off people's heads and all sorts of shit. But anyway, so I reckon they're going, oh, we go straight to George. And then someone said, I silly idea. How about we put an historical Aboriginal woman on the makes a bit of sense for Australia.

Now, when we say historic, now look, I haven't lived in Australia for 20 something years. I don't know who the lady is. I'm ashamed to say, I don't know who the lady is or what she's done. I'm sure she's done something important in history.

She's on the money. Yeah. But alas, they did not teach me that in high school in the 1980s in Australia. It's been a progressive few years. That was, we were taught about the guys coming into the boats. That's where our history started. No one really talked more than that. Okay.

So, okay. So there's the note. Now try to find the folded up way to make it look like a cock going into a vagina. This is Jim 10 minutes ago. I'm coming across as a pig on this. All right. No, I'm not sure. There it is.

On the left, top left now. Yeah, they haven't done it perfectly. Okay, so if you do it, then you should fold it again so it looks like that. You see that? You have to do the extra fold. These people haven't done the fold.

I know I'm not on the microphone. I love the way you know that. Look, on the right. That's so good. Yeah, and when you know that. Look, on the right. That's so good. Yeah, and when you're a kid and you find that out, that's some good stuff. Yeah. Making the queen's neckline and jawline into a cock and balls

when you're a kid, you can't improve on that. No, that's as good as it gets. But there was always that thing with the monarchs when they go every 10 years they go oh let's age up we gotta age up they're looking too young now age them they can't do that every year can they that's too much that's the good thing about american money you just get your benjamin franklin just in the fucking just the old fucker it should always be someone dead because then they never have to update it. Alright, Lincoln.

Lincoln's an easy one. You can put any cunt as long as you got the beard right. I don't care what the picture is. It's him with Lincoln's beard. Well, the thing with Lincoln is, I say, you watch that Daniel Day-Lewis movie or something like that. My Left Foot. Yeah, your left foot. Where he played Lincoln.

In his last year like just after he was assassinated and was twitching um i'm upsetting all the countries don't worry i'm not just after your queen anyway so the thing about lincoln is so you go to a lot of like i go to museums and stuff on the road or if there's some kitschy thing to see, there's a lot of animatronic Lincolns across America. There's a lot of like when you go in, like Lincoln will be there, four score and 20 years ago. And then like the same thing with Daniel Day-Lewis, four score. We've just decided that's his voice.

There's no recordings of the camp. He could have been the campus. There's no recordings. He could have been the campus fuck that ever lived like no listen we're stopping slavery now but I'm not doing it I personally like the slaves I like the slaves

and I think they should be free before we have a little break I've got one question I wanted to ask you stand up wise and it's probably one you've answered before and you might be a bit bored of but I'm really interested in it as a stand up fan and a comic myself Coming up in the UK

and your early work like Alcoholic Holocaust and stuff like that you were sort of you developed a reputation as a comic who sort of pulled no punches and was on that side of the comedy spectrum sure and then the gun control stuff is to the untrained eye seen as the total opposite side of that yeah and i imagine that sort of affected who was coming to see your shows and i wanted to know what that was like to have like the lefties who would traditionally not have

necessarily been a Jim Jefferies fan now go I'm gonna go and see this guy he's got the same opinion as me what's happened to me is and it looks I used to give more of a fuck about this but I don't really as long as people are still showing up to me shows it doesn't really matter you know but I'm the extreme left and the extreme right fucking hate me on both sides on both sides so the extreme right because of the gun thing uh the left like me because of the gun thing but because of the misogynistic jokes and all that type of stuff think i'm a fucking pig and so i feel like i'm just in the silent majority the middle i think that's where the comics meant to be as well and it's also, it's one of these things,

it's like I can have an opinion on guns and that doesn't mean that I can't. But what happened, my audience showed up and there was a lot, I'd have to say on the next, because the next two was all just cock jokes for whatever reason, because that's just what I was writing that year, you know? And I was like, so I'm coming out,

cunt fuck, cunt fucking, all this type of stuff. And then they're like, well, this is nothing like The Gun. There was about two or three years there where I was shocking audiences again, like I was just showing up at a comedy club. And I was like, you people have gone. And what upset me about that is you didn't even watch the whole special. You watched that 15-minute clip And you didn't

Watch the whole Because the next routine is me dragging Myself along the ground as Oscar Pistorius Without legs After he shot his girlfriend And me saying that he should have Because good looking girls have been getting away with shit for too long Like it got pretty dark

And then he goes up to the safe And he was going to get his guns and then he puts his legs on and then, you know. Like that. If you just watched that bit, you would have gotten the sort of feel for it. Yeah, they didn't need to watch the whole thing. They needed to watch the three minutes after the gun control bit. Yeah, you just got to watch the next bit.

There's a callback in it. That's horrendous. And so I'll tell you how I wrote the gun bit. The gun bit was all written over the course of three days and then it was completely written. So I had my sitcom legit and in the sitcom was John Ratzenberg, really nice guy, super right-wing guy, American fella. You'll know him as Norm from Cheers, right?

Okay. And Hermie the Pig from toy story you know that sounded like more like norm then yeah but anyway but um but so i'm i'm sitting next to him when sandy hook happens we're on set sandy hook happens we shut down production everyone just rushes to the it's one of those sort of 9-11 type moments you know and we're like fuck all these kids are just being shot and he turns to me and goes hey jimmy none of this would have happened if those teachers had guns. When will these liberals ever learn? And I must have argued with him for three days.

I was like, you can't be fucking serious. Why doesn't this happen in other countries? And by the way, it was just all arguments I had with the postman from Cheers. And by the way, it was just all arguments I had with the postman from Cheers. And by the end of that, you've sort of, you've got every argument from the other side that you can reply to. I needed a real, a person who was heavily into guns to be a friend of mine to chat with, or that routine never would have happened. Because otherwise I would have just read things on the internet and they think this or watch some video. I needed a person who I could actually chat to who was the other side

of the coin. Yeah. But, like, look, he's a great guy. He's fucking one of the funniest cunts you'll ever meet. I had him, he was, you know, like he doesn't like to buy fluorescent light bulbs because he calls them Obama bulbs because they're made by the Chinese government to fucking make the Chinese take over and all that stuff.

So he goes to all the hardware. Yeah, they don't make the ones with the filament anymore. They need to have a filament in there. So he goes to the hardware stores and he stockpiles the old light bulbs because he reckons you can read better and these other obama bulbs fucked you up you know and then the other person who played a dad in the show was originally i wanted paul hogan to play my dad right crocodile dundee right and he said he would do it and then he pulled out the last minute and i was like we didn't have anyone cast play my dad and then they went do you want james bond so i had fucking

george lazenby, who is the only Australian to ever play James Bond, the only person to play James Bond for one movie. And fuck me. Do you want James Bond to be your dad? Yeah, I was like, fuck yeah. I want James Bond to be my dad. Fucking George hadn't worked since on Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Hadn't worked since. So he didn't even know about digital cameras. He's like, how many fucking takes are we going to do? Surely we're out of film. And he was great. If the Me Too movement was happening during Her Majesty's Secret Service, the production would have been shut down. Because George fucked a lot of women and he'll tell you every story. There's an article about George where they've just done,

they're doing around Australia, they've got an orchestra, the music of James Bond, right? So they're going to play all the classic Shirley Bassey songs and play the theme song, have the movie screens above it. They do these shows all the time. And so what they thought they'd do is they'd bring out George Lazenby to fucking be interviewed, you know, as a guest for the show. But people would bring in their kids, right? And George Lazenby's like this, Ursula Andrews, fuck that.

Like everything. I once said to him, I said, George, you ever fuck any Bond girls? And he goes, it'd be easier to tell you the ones I haven't fucked. He goes, they all come to the conventions. So he's the only James Bond who shows up at the conventions. The rest of them have got fucking careers. And so, like, he wouldn't be doing the top ones, and he wouldn't be doing them in their prime.

This is like an 80-year-old Ursula Andrews, like, got a whole lot of head shots on a Motel 6 in a fucking Albuquerque, right? But, yeah, he once told me a story like this. The story is he goes, it was the 60s. I was the number one male model in the world. Picture it, boys. And so me, Dan Bacchanal, and DJ Quarles are like, oh, this was the 60s. I was the number one male model in the world. Picture it, boys. And so me, Dan Bacchanal and DJ Quar's like, oh, this is a good story.

And he goes, my dick's here. Peter Sellers' dick's here. John Lennon's dick's there. And there was naked women all over the floor. And then he just stops. And we went, and what happened? and then he just stops and we wait and we wait and what what happened

he goes well we fucked him didn't we I don't think we're going to top that for the end of this first section with Jim let's have a little break

have an advert and we'll be back in a sec final section absolute pleasure having you here Jim so you were telling us before the end of this first section with Jim. Let's have a little break, have an advert, and we'll be back in a sec. Final section. Absolute pleasure having you here, Jim. So you were telling us before you've got a few tour dates left in the UK. Well, I've got a lot of tour dates.

We're only two days into the tour at the moment. But any major city we're sort of going to, we're back up to Edinburgh tomorrow. We're going to Birmingham. We have an extra show added in Manchester and an extra show added in London. And they're the ones Birmingham we have an extra show added in Manchester and an extra show added in London and they're the ones

that still have tickets and tickets what's your website? just go to jimjeffries.com do you look forward to the UK touring? I do

you were here for nearly 10 years look man I fucking I came out here in 2001 and stayed until about 2010.

And, you know, a lot of comics now come up through podcasting or they come up through viral clips or something like that. I was one of the last blokes who did it through the Edinburgh Festival. And so I always, for any success I have, I thank the British for. And I identify as British in many ways. I'm a pale guy who likes to sit in dark rooms you know what i mean like i i the rain doesn't fucking bother me australia i go back i'm covering myself in sunscreen the whole fucking time you know like i'm very proud to be an australian but

i do identify with the brits more than the americans also when you when you came up to newcastle that was the year of a load of acts coming up from London where you I think you lived in like Muswell Hill at the time or something

and there was loads of London comics were coming up going the hyena Newcastle and then you know and then the frog and bucket Manchester and you were always like

these are the best fucking cities you were like you were like rawhide in Liverpool frog and bucket in manchester oh yeah i wanted to gig up north all the time i moved up to manchester of course for a while before me and steve hughes got robbed with machetes and hammers well one machete one hammer i'm i'm

embellishing do you remember i was there that night yeah yeah yeah me and seymour fucked off yeah yeah and when the guys came in with the machetes, you went, oh, it's these pricks fucking about. Because whenever it was skinny, I thought it was Seymour Mace coming back in. Ran in with a fucking balaclava with a ski mask and a hammer was the first plug. And then a machete came to me. I thought, what are these cunts coming back in?

Hang on a minute. The very famous story of you being robbed in Manchester where people broke into your flat with machetes and hammers. Yeah. One of your first thoughts was that it was him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And much more confusing, one of them was black and I thought, they've gone to a lot of efforts. It was a different time though. Yeah, yeah.

Like, it was a different time. Like me and Seymour, Seymour the biggest stoner ever would get out do you know it's funny yeah me and steve hughes were watching the unforgiven i remember that that was the film and my my girlfriend was asleep next door and yeah i was like i had one person go go steve hughes tells that story and i'm like yeah i'm jim in the story but yeah that we went through a whole court case i was talking about it on stage last night because we're in manchester and i was talking about it last night very briefly i didn't do a routine or anything but it just dawned on me that they got 12 years now with good behavior probably out in seven right but even with bad behavior

they're out this year and i've told that story a lot do you reckon they get netflix in prison though oh it would have gotten back to them do you reckon yeah no way of course i've told it i've told it on a i've told it i think on a special somewhere i believe and i've told it i might not have told on a, I've told it, I think on a special somewhere, I believe. And I've told it, I might not have told it on a special. I don't know. I've never watched them, but I've definitely told it on podcasts. I've told it on TV shows and stuff like that.

And Steve's talked about it. And yeah, the chance of them, you know, cause we had, I did an episode of legit about it where we had a break in and we sort of reenacted what happened and the whole thing. And I was on the stand for a day and a half or something. Steve wasn't good on the stand, too angry. He got there, yes, what? They broke in, yes, weapons, like this, right?

And then they said, and they tied Mr like this right and then they said and they tied Mr Nugent up because they used my real name we were in fucking court like this who's Mr Nugent oh god Steve Steve

you see my mail and you mentioned your specials there you've got a few specials on Netflix now but the latest one which has just come out is called High and Dry and it gets the title from the fact that you're no longer drinking but you've got a few specials on Netflix now but the latest one which has just come out is called High and Dry

and it gets the title from the fact that you're no longer drinking but you've discovered a bit of I've turned to the weed they call it California sober but I think high and dry is a better term because you know it's not just California but I have like yeah I have five weed

dispensaries within 700 metres of my house. That's how popular it is in the area. We went to Amsterdam recently and I had puff for the first time. Why are they called dispensaries? It sounds so... Because they dispense puff. It's a pharmacy, isn't it?

It's a shop, isn't it? It's a fucking weed shop. It's a shop where they have to check your ID before you go in. They scan it or whatever. And then you go in. But it's so mainstream now that like Pabst Blue Ribbon, who's like one of the oldest beer companies

out of Milwaukee, I believe. Ballast of a beer. Yeah, Pabst Blue Ribbon now have high seltzers. Like they're selling weed. Pabst Blue Ribbon are selling weed. Budweiser is coming out. Like they don't give a fuck. Pop beers.

Still legal over there. Yeah, yeah. And so it's like in 10 milligrams so you can now you can have a drink in your hand so you just have the weed drink you can have one you know and then there's like starburst ones and all different shapes and this the thing that doesn't even sell in these shops is the actual weed they still have it in jars and everyone's like no i'll buy the yummy candy thank you very much but it's like when are you doing when it when in in light of a beer are you getting to after a show and have a what i do what i do is when i get i don't i'm not high on stage i i take an edible the second i when i'm at home i do it two or three times a week maybe and then but when'm on the road, I take an edible. The second I get off stage, 20 milligrams, 10 to 20 I take,

and then I do my meet and greet, right? And so I have 100 people. I have 100 people pay 100 bucks to meet me, right? And now I tell you when you know you've gotten too high. When someone who's paid $100 to meet you stops the conversation. when someone who's paid $100 to meet you stops the conversation. They go, well, it's lovely. We have to get going.

Oh, okay. All right. 20 is a nice amount. Yeah, 20 is a nice amount. Fins are in-house sort of potter. Yeah, you can go silly. Like they sell like 1,000 brownies. 250 milligrams is what sent me vegetarian yeah yeah that that can make you go i had a vasectomy and i did 60 and

that was too much for me i thought i'm gonna lay in bed all day with my swollen balls and just fucking you know um so what you had a all right fuck man i'm not having any more kids not that way around it's a different way right cool you didn't have them and then get a vasectomy yeah yeah you know you're high when you get a vasectomy i had a vasectomy and the doctor goes to you at the end he goes ah he goes and then you have to ejaculate 30 times and once you've done 30 ejaculations you have to come back in uh with a sperm sample and we'll find out if it's all dead. Because you've got to clean the balls out. And then as I leave, he goes, and by the way, the record's 17 days. And I was like, I can fucking give me a VR set in a hotel room.

I'll fucking, on the road, I'll bang that out. Hang on, the record was the shortest someone's time of talk was 17 days? For someone to bring their sample back in. Yeah, and this guy's done thousands of vasectomies. And I thought, that's very manageable. I can definitely do that. Rocky numbers? Yeah, but what they don't tell you is the first seven days,

there's still a couple of stitches and a scab, and you don't want to pull on it. So you lose seven days. So you've really got 10 good wank days. Three a day? Yeah, three a day, yeah. Well, you're saying ten good wank days. Three a day? Yeah, three a day, yeah. Well, you're saying that's achievable or unachievable? Easily achievable.

Yeah, easily achievable. Yeah, yeah. But here's the thing, right? So I didn't meet the 17 days. I got very close. And then I went for a tour of Australia. I went to do the game show in Australia. And so then I was there for a month.

So then I was already fucking 80 wanks in before I turned in my sample. But once you do this, and then I had to come here on tour, right? And once you do the sample, you only have four hours to get it into the doctor and actually bring it in. And I was busy coming here. Now, I have an assistant. Now, I ask him to do a lot of things. My assistant, Jack, if you're listening, I'm sorry, mate,

but the last thing I made him do before he came to Britain was give him a cup of my cum. Oh, Jack. I said, no, you've only got four hours, Jack. And even worse than that, he goes, he's very efficient. He came in with my list of things to do. You have an interview, you have a this, you have a that. You have to get to the plane by here.

He goes, you have to send your sample in. So I had to go upstairs and make the sample. That's a weird feeling as well. So I had to go upstairs, come in a cup, then come down. It was still warm. And give it to him. But he's a good lad. He got it in on time. And I...

So I've got to tell you, I can't name more babies. Pretty happy about that. Oh, it's phenomenal. This is how competitive I am. I want kids and I haven't got any yet. And I'm tempted to get a vasectomy now, just so I can beat that. Look, you'll be doing it in Liverpool.

It might be faster. I remember at the end he gave me a certificate like to hang on my wall. It said I had a vasectomy. Like you've got to give it up for women, man, because when a woman gets her tubes tied, she'd never expect a certificate. But men like this, I achieved something. My wife got a sticker right there in the surgery.

Did they? No. Did your wife get her tubes tied? Yeah. You got kids? Yeah. While they did the C-section, they were like, while we're here oh yeah yeah

they gave us a two for one gave us a baby and then assured that we'd never have babies again how many kids you got? two two that's all you need

I'm done you don't need any more oh yeah totally no no no that's all you need mine's just shy of two years old I've got basically a year and a half year old

I never want another kid love him you've got to say that no more though I get in trouble all the time with my wife because, so Charlie's a year and a half and Hank's 10, and two different women, right? And so my wife always goes,

are you like Hank more than Charlie? And it's like, no, I love them both the same, but I've known this cunt longer. Like, Charlie's like a new friend that I've met that I think's awesome I met down at a pub not much chat

you know but Hank me and him have tails we have inside jokes and you don't have to clean his shits anymore that does affect barely no yeah

there's the two best days in your parenting is when they figure out how to put their own seat belt on that just changes your life it's a little thing but it's like fuck i don't have to put this kind of seat anymore and then when they stop shitting their pants that's a good day fuck that's a good day one day that's it that's like that's I would put that up there with me playing Carnegie Hall the day me son the day I had to stop

wiping me kids ass that was that was belter if mine could just stop shitting in the bath that'd be great oh yeah yeah yeah the little kids

in the shitting in the bath I'm not joking it's if you hear poo in the bath everyone in that house fucking runs your missus, your fucking PA have you ever had like a full nappy and just thought

I'll just ignore that because she'll hold him again soon yeah totally I would defo do that I've pretended that cocaine abuse has completely killed my sense of smell I'm like it's all the coke, man. What am I going to do?

My brother, now my nephew now is like, he's 25 or something. But when he drilled it into his head, the first sentence his child knew was, no, no, I want mummy to do it. Right? And he kept on Whenever he had time alone No no I want mummy to do it

No no I want mummy Until the kid eventually Got this sentence And he's like Fuck what am I meant to do The kid The kid wants what the kid wants

He's a mummy's boy Yeah yeah We had a game Weren't we meant to be playing a game We were talking about baby shit I'm for it I'm against it Oh shit yeah

We're doing a Overrated Baby shit Overrated I'm for it I'm against it oh shit we're doing overrated baby shit overrated right you can go as deep into these as you want but

Chris Theesom says overrate his opinion on this is overrated massive stag do's with like 29 lads inviting everyone you've ever met

and the groom's fucking dad and uncle overrated massive stag do's with like 29 lads inviting everyone you've ever met and the groom's fucking dad and uncle overrated massive overrated yeah definitely massive gatherings of any kind where you like parties are good a massive party's good oh yeah but as soon as you leave a building and then you're like like go to vegas you're gonna have one cunt that wants to gamble the whole time one cunt that's obsessed with strippers the whole fucking time one cunt that wants to see a cirque de soleil fucking show and it's like herding fucking cats i'm all of those people yeah yeah oh yeah and you you don't you don't you don't want you don't want you don't want any of those okay my stag do happen in the middle of covid right so all we could do is just you and john cleese no we got we. No, we got a few comics that I know,

a couple of mates of mine, about 10 of us Airbnb'd a house in Joshua Tree. We took bags of mushrooms and we just tripped balls the entire time. You couldn't get a stripper. It was illegal to get one because of distancing, right? So there was no strippers. time you couldn't get a stripper it was illegal to get one because of distancing right so there was no strippers and for whatever reason this bat decided to swim over the pool because the pool was

lit up and this bat just went just for hours that was the best stag do ever we were all tripping on mushrooms watching this bat fly around a pool for hours i couldn't have asked for a better time i if if and when i get married i want my stag to be abroad but like i think i just want to get a villa and have a party in a villa 10 10's good 12 but when you're getting up to the 20 25 30 we got married in vegas and because i play the casino that I actually stayed in, they gave me like their suite that Elton John and Celine Dion live in. And this had its own swimming pool. It had a massage room, a sauna, its own hairdressing salon.

And then we just got six friends and we spent all the money we would have spent on a fucking big wedding, gambling and fucking eating good food and just hanging out with our mates and it was the fucking best. And because I'm Australian, my wife's British and we were in America, we didn't have to fly relatives in

or anything like that. Everyone watched on Zoom. It was the best wedding ever. It was one of the best weekends of my life. That sounds great. Lynch says, overrated, underrated, wearing socks to bed.

What? What? Delete the email. That, overrated, underrated, wearing socks to bed. What? What? Delete the email. That's overrated. You shouldn't do that. Your feet need to air out. What the fuck's he on about? You wear socks in bed? What, on a winter's night? What? You wear socks in bed? No, you don't. Absolutely.

No, you don't. No. No. Listen. Can't believe No. No. I can, listen. Can't believe it. You put socks on to get in bed? No, that's, no. I'm just the only one. You just leave your ones on from the day.

That's even grosser. You have special bed socks. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. I'm sorry. Look, this is a friend and business partner. I'm not fucking accepting this. I don't put my Barcelona away socks on That would be better

So you get in bed With the socks you've had on all day In the winter Sometimes You're very successful there You're on a great Turn the heating up a bit On a cold night

After I get the hot water bottle out of there And fucking the bedpan Like fucking hell Socks on bed you need them when you walk to the outhouse hang on

do you wear anything else no just socks your dick needs to breathe hang on hang on I'm coming around now are they knee high ones yeah

stockings yeah yeah yeah imagine if I just wore fucking gloves to bed like Mario Balotelli I don't think. Imagine if I just wore fucking gloves to bed like Mario Balotelli. I don't think it's any more ridiculous to wear gloves to bed

than it is to wear socks to bed. It's the same. It's the same. That's going to be a very... Hands are just the feet of your arms. Another classic from Adam. They'd be very jizzy gloves after like one night. So if you get up,

if someone bagels your house, you're getting woke up with like Pringle socks on your dick. Slipping around with his socks on. If someone burglars my house, I'm straight in the shoes. I'm fucking chasing the cunts down. Shoes, socks and nothing else. Dick out.

That's how you scare them. I'll tell you what happens if someone breaks into your house. What do you want? Back off, Seymour and Dan. Oh, yes. We've got some of the eyes here. Do you want to show us that? I'll have them

for bedtime, thank you. There's nothing I could do about that. Oh, I'm telling you, they are coming home They are yours.

They are yours. Simon says, overrated, in his opinion, bum play. I know everyone reckons it's ace, but I'm not into it.

Feeling like I'm being licked out. There is absolutely nothing better in the human experience than get your bum all licked no i i don't like it i've had hemorrhoids for the last 20 years and my arsehole is a fucking car wreck of a fucking thing i've had hemorrhoid surgery i get rubber banded now i go in in the pro i i i know my proctologist so well that he's doing my podcast in a couple of weeks.

I'm not kidding. And I don't want fucking, just for your comfort, I don't want the person licking my fucking arsehole. Plus, I've had it done and it's like, it's all right. I'd rather have me balls sucked on. No, what are you talking about? Ball in mouth yeah

oh no not like not like pressure a bit of nice licking yeah a lick not a suck not a suck

a nuzzle in the bag but don't grab the ball I once asked Carl what he would like a woman to do to his balls and he put it so perfectly and I'll never forget it Carl

what are women supposed to do with a man's balls take the weight off them that's it just that's all you need just weight off them. That's it? Just cup them. That's all you need? Just cup them. Take them.

He's got really heavy balls. I like my balls fucking slapping against the woman. You can be rough with my balls, girls. Oh, no. I'm married now. You can't be rough with me balls. I tell you, it was at Vegas at my birthday. My wife, very nice lady, and she had a cup of drinks

and she went, maybe for your birthday. This is totally out of character. She goes, maybe for your birthday we could get a prostitute. I should have played it cool. I got overly excited and found a web page a little bit too quickly yeah when it's a bookmark

yeah yeah and she goes she goes would we have to get condoms and I'm like nah they bring them she's like how do you know

I don't know oh god what's the next one sorry I blew that. I know this next underrated is going to... Matthew Foley says, underrated, overrated, water parks. Oh, I love a water park. Who doesn't love a water park? Underrated.

And like water... Okay, water park in Britain. What? That would be overrated. There's one in Stoke-on-Trent. Oh, no, hang on. I honestly don't think it's fair to think of a water park in Britain when you're doing... No. No. No, no, hang on. I honestly don't think it's fair to think of a water park in Britain when you're doing...

No. No. No, no, no. A big luxurious one in California or Florida. Siam Park in Tennessee. Yeah, those ones where you're like in a tube and the floor just falls away from you. Yeah.

I like that. Better than theme parks? Better than roller coasters because you're not strapped in and it feels more wild. And I love me... Come on, Boris. I love me a roller coaster. Question.

Question. Can I wear socks to the water park when we go? You wear the special water socks. Yeah, you can wear those water shoes. No, you wear those little shoes, those little wetsuit shoes because the concrete's hot afterwards. Oh, aquatic paedophile shoes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the concrete's hot. Yeah. And you're not allowed to wear your sliders on the... You can wear sliders walking around the park, but then you have to walk up the concrete stairs without your sliders on. And then get them at the bottom.

And get them at the bottom, which is bollocks. You buy the special water shoes, they're about 12 quid, and you can wear them all day because they're tied on. Next question, because we're going to Tenerife in June, and we're going to the water park. It's the reason we're all going to Tenerife, is because he loves this water park so much

I am bald very shiny bald yeah you'll go down faster no what am I wearing on my head a swimming cap no

sunscreen but a skin coloured one oh god so I look like the water park you just gotta wear sunscreen man that's all you can do

you're gonna have to lather up in 50 just wear exactly what you would wear at the beach. Right. No, because the water reflects. You get bouncy in the water, don't you? You need to use a lather. Yeah, but this is the thing about the water park.

You're never in the water. You're in the water for like five seconds. You're lighting up most of the time. Unless you get those wave pools. There's one in one of the Disneyland parks. It's called Thunder something or what. It's in Orlando it's in Busch Gardens

and it it's one of the scariest experiences you can do in any theme like you hear this crack and then the wave comes and then just

20 kids are flying towards you you'd have a head injury like it's the fucking Wild West the fucking wave pool is this a family trip or you're just going with the boys no i okay with me kids you're all going you got no no no no no we're going to this

as a works trip oh no no i i uh no i i take my kids now but i used to go before then as well but i'm so excited but i i even like like a cruise ship that has a water slide on it that's like that's how those big cruise ships you go has you has a water slide on it. That's how... Those big cruise ships, you go, has it got a water slide on it? I'm fucking in. I can do that all day. Underrated.

Underrated. They should be over and above other theme parks. We'll do one bit of advice. Have you ever been to Wild Waddy's? What? Wild Waddy's is the water park in Dubai. I've been. I went there 20 years ago there's like

people in burqas doing it man wetsuit burqas he's not even messing yeah yeah i can wear a burqa you can wear a burqa no one's gonna be able to say that oh you can't wear that i'll just convert to islam in the morning and then i'll be fucking just just transition and wear a wig you don't have to go convert to islam you don't have to be that extreme just cut your dick off and wear a wig. You don't have to go convert to Islam. You don't have to be that extreme. Just cut your dick off and wear a wig and you'll be fine. Don't go too extreme. You've already got the kids, man.

It's absolutely fucking wild, by the way. Like, obviously, you never want to be surprised by anyone from any, like, minority group. And obviously, over there, they're not the minority group. But you never want to be surprised but like fucking hell you're you like water slides as well but it does take you back a bit now when i see a woman in a baker wetsuit that's that's how good water parks are that you that you you would do it in a burka like think about think about how uncomfortable that would be to be in the water in a burka and it's like a special wetsooty burka the head's not wetsooty that's just the normal cloth but then the

rest of it's uh wetsooty right one bit of advice and then let's get out of here jim this has been absolutely fucking brilliant uh and i'm chuffed that you've not done anyone else's podcast that's my favorite bit um stevie b says bit of advice here wagwan lids uh been married to my missus for a few years now and i want to keep things fresh been watching pegging videos and think it could spice things up in the bedroom i've got the gear but no idea how to broach the subject with her is it too big an ask or should i have a word with myself and just go for it well you know the show and Adam's special. That's Stevie B from Tulsa.

How would you go for it? From Tulsa, Oklahoma. Okay, Stevie B from Tulsa. First of all, I didn't know it was called pegging until a couple of years ago. That passed me by. I thought that was when you saw porn where people put a lot of pegs on themselves. You know when there's like loads of pegs on their nipples? That must be pegging. But as for putting a strap-on in your ass,

how do I broach the subject? Leave the strap-on out. Just leave it on the bed or in a place you can find it. Doesn't that look like you've used it with someone else? No, no, no. Leave it in its box. It doesn't come just fucking free. Leave it in its packaging.

Yeah. Oh, we've got one here. Steve, could you get one out? Yeah, leave it in the packaging where she can find it and let her bring it up. Or gift it to her for the birthday. Happy birthday. I think it's absolutely wild to have already invested in a strap-on.

Why have you guys had to bring this out like I've never seen a strap-on? You think I've lived on this planet for 46 years and never seen a strap-on? No, this is how we end every episode. Oh, all right. I'll get ready. Here we go. Gryffindor! Gryffindor!

Yeah, I think it's wild to have invested in a strap-on before you've broached the subject. I just hope he used lovehoney.co.uk. You know what I mean? That's what I'd use. What you do is you go to like this, so you use like one of those webpages and they're always giving you a free gift

if you put in a special podcast code or something like that just saying that they went to you got an advertiser who's yeah okay just say you went to that thing put in the special code i got a free gift what was your free gift it turns out to be a strap-on well so there's two ways you go maybe we can use this and your wife might say oh yes you can watch me fuck a girl with a strap on win win

win win you're already in the winners column or you could go and then you could jokily go oh you can fuck me in the ass wouldn't that be weird

and then you just sit there waiting for a response oh that would be crazy how's you pulling your pants down I'm not be fucking mentally

no no I wouldn't thanks for pulling if I was if I was a gay fella I would have had to retire my ass 20 years ago

because of the hemorrhoids I'd have to be a top all day I could never be a bottom I'm not getting my ass fucked but me hemorrhoids are too bad

you could still suck people off look my ass was, but me hemorrhoids are too bad. You could still sock people off. Look, my asshole's so bad that if I was in jail, they'd only rape me once. They would bloody, they would, if I was in jail, they'd go, the amount of blood and pus that came out of that thing, I'm not doing it again. And I know how my mental state is. I'd be upset by that because I wasn't desirable anymore.

Oh, come on. Come on. And I'd be like this, why not? It'll be all prolapsed out like a chimp. I don't think we can top prolapse chimp's arsehole to end an episode. Jim, we've got you a little gift. We've got you an Australian fart. Ah, okay. I'll fold it like a ma gift. We've got you an Australian fart. Ah, okay.

I'll fold it like a maestro. You can do it very quickly. See, a lot of people do just the straight up like that, but that's too big a dick. You want to go a bit down. Show it to that camera. You want to do it a bit. Oh, there's too much chin there.

I've given too much ballsack. Too much chin. There you go. And you want to fold it down like that. While Jim is folding that up, I will say, please make sure you buy tickets to his extra dates in the UK

there at jimjeffries.com. That's the perfect cock and balls into a vagina. Bit of Australian culture for you. Jim's new special on Netflix, High and Dry, is available right now and his podcast,

I Don't Know About That, is available on all podcast platforms and on YouTube as well. Jim Jim it's been an absolute pleasure thanks lads I appreciate it Adam's tour is next week is on sale next week Friday the 17th it goes on general sale goes on Patreon pre-sale

on Monday the 13th biggest venues I've ever done Manchester Apollo Liverpool Empire a load of dates in London at Leicester Square Theatre Pavilion in Glasgow, Newcastle City Hall. We're going big, so come out and see us. I've got a new material now in Manchester at the Edge

Theatre in Chorlton on Sunday the 2nd of April. There's only a few tickets, they'll go quick. Jamie Hutch is coming on, hopefully a few more legends. Just doing new material, the link will be in the description. Finn, do we have a song oh can i also just do one more plug on the tour on the tour normally i pick like sort of up and

coming comics to open up for me and all that stuff but i picked andrew maxwell and glenn wall who are two of the greatest comics that have ever fucking lived yeah uh so even if you don't like me come along to the show because i've got two better comics than me opening for them they are two of the best to ever do it Glenn has been on Have A Word Twice Andrew I'm going to approach to get on

soon because it's long overdue that we invite Andrew back for long because he'd be excellent on this I'll talk to him today yeah nice

please do wonderful stuff Finn who is this week's musician obviously you only get this on the audio you don't get it on YouTube but if you're an audio listener

got a song for you just before we introduce this one please go and stream my new single take a ride the live version that we recorded in here will be out on monday so if you're listening to this after monday go and check that out nice this week we've got a local band who myself and carl talk about quite a lot red room club um simon the bass player is a big fan of the podcast and they're great check them out this is massive as well yeah this. This is their single, Vanilla. Wonderful. Thank you very much.

Cheers, Jim. Thanks, man. Love y'all. Come of age 25, a little late I know All I seem to do is drive up and down this road Tomorrow I will do the same Mondays got my hands tied Tuesday round the throat Wednesdays a landslide and Thursdays low Then Friday comes to ease the pain

She said my darling, my, I'm filled with a fear Concerning a flaw that continues to appear You're missing till Sunday, forgiven by Monday Your presence is a killer, your flavour, vanilla Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla Have to get my money right to keep the ship afloat Ask me how I sleep at night, I'll say I don't What do you care anyway?

She said, my darling, my dear, I'm filled with a fear Concerning a flaw that continues to appear You're missing till Sunday, forgiven by Monday Your presence is a killer, your flavour, vanilla Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla Vanilla, vanillalala She said, my darling, my dear, I'm filled with a fear Concerning a flaw that continues to appear You're missing till Sunday Forgiven by Monday

Your presence is a killer Your flavour, vanilla Vanilla, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla Bye.