Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #216 with Vicky Pattison - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan's New Material Night in Manchester Sunday April 2nd. Tickets: https://www.edgetheatre.co.uk/new-bits-with-dan-nightingale/As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "Take A Ride" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastVicky Pattisonhttps://twitter.com/vickypattisonhttps://instagram.com/vickypattisonADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? How are we? I've got some big news. I have just announced my brand new tour, Adam Rowe, What's Wrong With Me, which is going all over the UK and Ireland, and there's still some European, Australian and maybe American dates to add. But the UK and Ireland leg of this tour is going on general sale on Friday the 17th of March, with a Patreon pre-sale on Monday the 13th. This is the biggest tour I've ever done. There's dates all over the country. I've gone to cities and towns I've never been to before. And in the cities I've been to before, we're going big. In Manchester, it's not the Frog and Bucket this year. We're doing the Manchester Apollo. This is a place I've opened for two of my heroes, Bill Bear and Jason Manford,

to be able to headline it myself. It's dream come true stuff. Newcastle City Hall, the Pavilion in Glasgow. This is a proper step up and I need it to be justified. So do me a favour, go out and buy all of these tickets. I'm going to make this my best show yet. If you've enjoyed Juicy or Imperious, I guarantee you'll enjoy this one more. Comedy is better live. Come out and see us. Tickets will be at adamrowe.co.uk. They'll also be available on Ticketmaster. Please come and see us on this new tour. Adam Rowe, what's wrong with me?

I'm going all over the gaff. And if you look at the list of dates that are on my website right now and you see somewhere that I'm not going, you want me to come, send me a message and I'll do my best to add it to any tour extension that we put in place. I'd really appreciate all the support.

Please come and see us on this tour. I'm dead excited and I'm going to make it my best one yet. Au revoir, enjoy the episode. It might be the best one we've Au revoir. Enjoy the episode. It might be the best one we've ever done. What's happening lads? We've got some big news. You might have seen it already. It's been on sale for about a week now, but the first ever Have A Word live tour, live podcast shows, not just stand up. We're doing live versions of the podcast. It's coming to Glasgow, Newcastle, Birmingham and Dublin. Where can you get tickets, Dan?

I don't know. Havawaredlive.com. You get them from havawaredlive.com. There's also a handy link on there that links to your website. Oh, and I'm on tour, so that'd be nice. And I go on tour as well, but my tour is not getting announced until next month. Come and see the lids. Yeah, havawaredlive.com.

Come and see us. Every different city is going to have different guests, different shows. Third time we've done live shows outside of Liverpool, apart from one we did in London. We're very, very excited. Anything else we need to talk about?

We've also got a fucking Patreon. Oh, it's Peter the Have A Word Snake. So when you say Patreon, Peter, what is a Patreon? A Patreon is basically a subscription scheme, theme, where we give you extra content every week

and you give us just £3 a month. So for just £3 a month, people could sign up and they would get, what, an extra episode a week, early access to public episodes

and on top of that, they'd get a monthly special. The most recent one was the Amsterdam special, you mean? Oh, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking

potted off our twat. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show, we've got the restaurant special, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking potted off our twat. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show, we've got the restaurant special, the footy special, both ghost hunts, but the lock-ins are legendary

with Ishan, Jamie, Johnny Bongo, but this Amsterdam special will go down as one of our best. If you sign up now just for £3 a month, you can sign up

for £5 or £10 as well where you get added benefits, but you get all the content just starting at £ quid a month and that doesn't include the forthcoming episodes you get the entire back catalogue

every special we've ever done and also all the back catalogue of the weekly you get an extra episode every single week so go to

patreon.com slash have a weird pod right now if you don't do it I'll bite a child so you've got to do it and that's how we've got to be the biggest patron in the UK.

Biggest in the UK, mate. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com. The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Why have you got the guest mic up below the belt men's grooming go Ed get on me

why have you got the guest mic up on the thing it doesn't make any sense I'll pick up reverb that's oh yeah can you hear that reverb

shut up you floater just be a professional you know what I mean fucking standards standards round here hello boys how are we all

I've decided I'm going to change my ways again back you going decided I'm going to change my ways again. Back. You're going back? I'm back. To what? Adam, just pick one thing.

I'm going to get a... Pick one thing, you big child. I'm going to get a steam every morning. It's going to get steamy. We are the boss. How's that changing your ways? Just going for the spot? Listen.

Right. So here's the thing Listen Because this one's real No listen The ones before were silly But Adam Your books will get all soggy In the steam room

I know He's going to get waterproof books Where is the dog? What? Lift the flap Fuck you know That's a chicken Right

So That's not a that's not a this episode is going out in the future innit I know they all do but this one in two weeks

yeah do well to put them back you know back in time right so you might remember ladies and gentlemen if you're a patron I revealed on a recent episode

on patreon are you planning Wednesday's material no no no that I've gone deaf in me right here oh yeah right that's this is then now in the future yeah so could be fixed could be fixed who knows as i've read the second at the time of recording it's not fixed right i'm going the uh going the ear doctor someone i... I didn't hear that. Oh, yeah, sorry.

And now it's time for Adam's health update. Because it's getting worse rather than better. But are you going more deaf? Well, it was getting a lot... Last night at that gig we did together, it was really annoying me. Like, trying to... It's when there's a lot of noise, it's a problem.

It's discombobulating. That's what it is, right? By the way, when it unblocks, it feels like cupboard. Listen, so... Especially if there's a lot of noise, it's a problem. It's discombobulating. That's what it is, right? By the way, when it unblocks, it feels like cupboard. Listen, so... Especially if there's a dick in there. Jack Finnegan, our photographer and all-round Guinness drinker, he told me that he had this problem before and steam helped it. Ah!

Right? Yeah, I said steam. So he... So he said, what you should do, boil a kettle, put it in a pan. That's the council spa. Stick it out of the pan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And put a towel around it and just sit in that for a bit.

I didn't want to do that, right? In case I burnt my face. So this morning, I've been to the spa, the gym, that's got a steam and a pool in. And, uh... Boiled a kettle. Boiled a kettle. I used the steam room this morning. And?

It hasn't fixed me yet, but I feel good. But I'm refreshed. Yeah, and I got a cold shower afterwards. I've been watching TikToks. People get, like, cold showers in the morning. Apparently it changes your life. And adding steam on top of that. You steam first, then you cold shower.

I just feel like it's the secret to happiness. Yeah. Wim off. Or, yeah, it's maybe the secret to deafness. So that's it.

If you suffer with hearing problems and you're listening to this, that's weird. But yeah, just get a steam. That'll fix it. What? Just get a hearing aid?

Yeah, go straight to it. The source of deafness. No, you're thinking like the old, like fucking where there's originals ones. They're all new items now. Oh, you mean, I thought you'd warned them before. No.

Oh, they knock me sick. It's all weird. When I see someone with a hearing aid in, I don't know, I don't trust them. We love you, Richard. I feel like they could be a spy, do you know what I mean? And they're just trying to get away with it.

I just got a disability. Oh, I'm deaf. Just got a disability trying to get through the day. Fucking. Don't trust you. Weird. Yeah, maybe he is deaf, maybe he's fucking got perfect hearing and he's trying to hear too well. Are you listening to my conversations?

This is to be thought. Sneaky fucker. Yeah, so I'm going to see Dr. Yusuf tomorrow. That's when he went to our school. No, no, no, no. You had a Yusuf. Did you have a Yusuf? Oh, we had a Yusuf.

Oh, you had a Yusuf at Cardinal Heenan. Was he like a transfer? Yeah, he was a transfer, yeah. Right, yeah. I'm going to see Dr. Youssef. Apparently, he's the best in Liverpool. What, Youssef from school? Oh, no, Dr. Youssef.

Dr. Youssef is apparently the best ear, nose and throat doctor in the game in Liverpool. No, you need a specialist. No, he is a specialist. That is one area. He's a jack of all ed trades. He's fucked with eyes, mate doesn't do eyes get him ear nose and throat yeah if you've got a problem with your forehead he's not interested but as soon as it's ears nose and throat where is he in town spire oh yeah that's

all the pool players going yeah yeah so uh spar in the morning talk to yousef in the afternoon yeah so spa in the morning talk to Yousef in the afternoon Adam's not changed yeah so I'm going to see him

and you know he's good because the email that come through because I had to go private because the fucking doctors were like yeah you can have an appointment in 2027

so they got in touch and were like consultation and treatment like the prescription is it costs between 125 quid and 150 quid and i was like

right well it's worth it if it sorts this out because the anxiety it's given me is a lot and then on the phone they went yes you can have one of the the doctors for that or you can have dr yusuf and he's too tall and i was like oh too tall for you yeah i'll have a bit of you they've done you like my my cocaine dealers used to do me well it's 40 a gram for that but that's 60 and you're like if it's 60

it could be the same shit in a different fucking bag I think he's got his own special status you want a fucking what's Yusuf gonna do you want a gram of Yusuf what's he gonna do

that like Dr you know Ian couldn't do no he's just he's just a more... Pay cheap, pay twice.

That's what they say. Yeah, pay cash. Concerning. Yeah, Dr. Yousef is two ton, but he likes it in a brown paper bag and he does accept meat. All right, Dr. Yousef. There's some fucking sugar pit bacon.

Sort my fucking hair out. I would be wary about giving someone called Yusuf bacon. Just, you know. Oh! Just, you know. Cultural! I'd just, I'd also stay away from beef

in case he's Indian. Hindu. Yeah. On a Hindu. You don't want to be having beef on a Hindu. Or fish

if he's very pussy. Yeah. Have you got any health updates, Dan? Yes. I feel like you never updated your health. I have or fish if he's fussy yeah have you got any health updates Dan? yes I feel like you never have updates of your health

I have foot cancer oh yeah oh shit that lump yeah well it could be I've just

forgotten about it I have a very different sort of tactic with my own health something happens until it hurts a lot or Laura cries

I don't do anything about it is it a bunion? I don't what's a bunion? it's or Laura cries. I don't do anything about it. Is it a bunion? I don't. What's a bunion? Like a little grape. I don't know. What's a bunion with you?

Might be up dog actually. What's a bunion? I don't know. Fuck that up. A bunion's like, I've got bunions. Yeah. Let's have a look.

It's when you feel. Ludicrous over here. It's when you feel. I've got bunions. I've have a look. It's when you feed fuck off. Ludicrous over here. It's when you feed fuck off. I've got bunions. I've got bunions. See the way my feet sort of fuck off? Yeah, but yeah. You get that stick?

Oh, God. See that V? I just want to be like you. Is this what your foot's like? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a fucking mean free kick though, mate. What, in the Special Olympics?

Fucking hell. Swaz Roe. Sort your fucking flippers out. That's what I've always had them with me. Oh, Lord. No, it's not one of them. Well, get yours up. No, I don't want to get my feet out.

Why? It's just a lump. It's more like a dome. Oh. That is fucking... Oh, shit. Domes. Don't they say about domes, don't they about domes don't they yeah you don't want the doctor i forgot you can take your shoes off you know i'm taking my shoes off actually i don't start it's got to be pretty bad before i uh yeah but it might be already bad seek dr yusuf whatever

they get there dr lucius doesn't do feet't do Feet Mate ENO. He does. 250 quid. Some lovely chicken. Two weeks ago, we'd have saved a foot, but we've got to take it now. Right. Two weeks.

Yeah. I'll lose a foot. It'd be great for content, though, wouldn't it? No, you'll be able to walk. What? I'll just get an Oscar Pistorius. I'll ask them to take both off,

and then I'll fly. Shotgun. I'll get one of them. off and then I'll fly. Shotgun. I'll get one of them. You just blew the door. What are they called? Fucking put my foot back on. They give you that when they... Get out the toilet!

What are they called? Wing. What are they called? Winkle pickers. The blades. That's what they're called. I'll get a fucking blade. Be specific when you ask.

Don't just ask for a blade. Someone might give you a knife or a Gillette. Yeah, Dr. Yousef. Don't worry about it. Two hundred and fifty cash a knife or a Gillette yeah Dr Youssef don't worry about 250 cash there's a fucking blade look after yourself

would you rather lose an arm or a leg what would you rather lose an arm or a leg mate I saw Adam Hills take his foot off on stage

when I was starting out in comedy and it's the most mental thing because no one knew that he had because I don't that he had,

because I don't think he lost it. I think he was born without a foot from like just below the knee. And he's got a, he didn't have a blade. He had an actual sort of prosthetic leg. And Adam Hills is a brilliant comic and always was, even when he was back on the circuit. Never mentioned as anyone's favourite comic. I don't think we've even, we might have said his name once in three years but fuck me that guy was just so entertaining funny smart and never did

anything but a brilliant job and he once smashed closing the hyena in newcastle which wasn't always easy if you weren't doing sort of route one or sort of balls out like canada the canadian headlines always ripped because it's very alpha male he never did that but he still ripped and then one night he was basically having getting an encore and he was like do you want me to take my foot off it was it was so amazing because he hasn't got he hadn't had any material about it and this is maybe 11 o'clock on a saturday night in newcastle and everyone loved him and it was brilliant and all the staff were like loved him and he was like

do you want me to take my foot off and you could feel the room go what the fuck are you talking about what's going on and literally just detached his foot it's the most amazing way

to get a standing ovation well he's not standing is he no he's just got good balance just had the mic stand yeah just took his fucking foot off.

You would defo rather lose an arm? Do you reckon? Defo. You think you can't clap anymore? You can. Like you're at a battle rap event? At the opera? I'd rather lose a leg.

Yeah? Yeah. What did you say, Finn? I'd rather lose a leg. No, you wouldn't. I would, I wouldn't be able to play guitar. You would? Oh. You'd you say, Finn? I'd rather lose a leg. No, you wouldn't. I would. I wouldn't be able to play guitar. You would? You just get a blade.

Just get a blade on your hand. Get a bow. Or you could just use it as a slide. You just have to go all blues. Just fully go to South Carolina. I sort of know what Adam means, you know. If you lose, it depends which... I'm right-handed.

Walking is such a fundamental thing. And like, yes, you would be able to walk with a prosthetic, but that's going to take a lot of rehab and it's going to fucking hurt, isn't it? My mum only had one leg. It did sound like a joke, didn't it? It sounded like, how did she walk? What did she smell?

She used to get itchy toes on the foot that wasn't there anymore. Phantom limb. That'd be awful, that wouldn't it? Yeah. Phantom limb pain and phantom limb itches. Imagine having to itch your face

but you haven't got a face. Yeah, she was born without a head. It's hard work. I think legs is... What can't you do with only one arm though? You can't carry an Atlas stone.

No, you can't. Fuck. Your tribute band can't ever do the YMCA. Yeah. It'd just be aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, wouldn't it? It's fun to stay at the... Aye, aye, aye, aye. It's just what stay at the I I I

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I IH, I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I'm a good. I shout out all my amputees yeah I'd rather lose it's definitely arm probably arm yeah only because like yeah running in there also they've got you know technological advances

aren't they so they've got in there you know when they're like have you seen that glove that they put on when they go that's Iron Man no I've seen it

but it's happening there's like mechanical advances isn't there? Yeah. Into your brain. Yeah. So you literally put a glove on. Have you seen they've reversed the agent of the eyes in mice?

Press the button. For what? It's Adam's health update. He's updating us on the health of mice. For mice. Now it's time for Adam's mice update erm John Rodent

or whatever his name is right we didn't have to give a name we didn't expect the name it makes it less believable if you go John Rodent

that's how he ended up you know being a scientist with mice no he wants to do it in people but they were like come on John

before you sign in fucking the lads have a go with this mouse get the lads around have you been writing down Johns recently yeah but it's it's not just having a pint

is it it's medical research so he's reversed the aging of the eyes 80% in mice and it works even better on the skin

and he reckons that one day they'll be able to just reverse aging and there's been no in all the clinical trials, they're now doing it in non-human primates. Right.

Monkeys and that. All right, cheers. Squirt. But he's done well with mice. They can't cure cancer. They can't fix heart disease. Cancer was cured in the fucking 20s mate oh here we go

fucking Lambert and Butler paid everyone off exactly L&B there's yeah good conspiracy Marie Curie

makes a quarter of a million she's minted they can't cure cancer but they can make you look younger so you die of like prostate cancer

looking 14 is that the future sounds grim but they they will cure cancer you know what I mean right like John Roden that is a conspiracy of like prostate cancer looking 14. Is that the future? That sounds grim. But they will cure cancer. You know what I mean? Right. Like John Roden.

That is a conspiracy. I'm fully on board. But by the way, they know how to cure cancer. 100%. Just makes too much money. They're fucking laughing at our faces. The fucking charity's called Marie Curie. Curie?

What makes too much money? Do you think they wouldn't make more money from a drug that cures cancer? No. You think Macmillan's is trying to suppress no no little fellas cancer research big farmer and the illuminati they make the cancer research i like we're making the money see how much the cancer research uk ceo mix i bet you it's more than but it's more than half a mil considering he works for the charity yeah well. That's good.

Now we're all fucking... 170,000. Oh, that's too much. No, no. 240,000. Oh, he's had a bonus. Harpal Kumar. Makes a quarter of a mil trying to fix something. He gets to drive around in Range Rovers.

Right. And that's what's suppressing the curing of cancer. Harpal Kumar, the CEO of Cancer Research. Yeah. Right. That's wrong, isn't it? They definitely cured it back in the day. They definitely didn't, though.

Come on. Nobody thought they invented the car that ran on water. It was found dead two weeks later. Right. And all those plans went in the bed. Drowned. How did it run on water? We never found out.

I don't know, do I? It wasn't me. I'm Sleer. It was Steve Water. Apparently they made an electric car fucking years ago, didn't they? Who holds down the electric car, Dan? We do. The Masons. No, it's not the Masons.

Stonecutters. Stonecutters. And also like hemp, innit? They've been, hemp could have been used for so much. Pot cures pretty much everything. Yeah. But that's, they're like, they're big conspiracies that I can get on board with. And then you go, yeah,

cancer research is making loads of money so cancer could have been cured no i'm not saying there's no you've you've gone too far this is what happens with all the conspiracies you have some information and then and then say something fucking dead daft that's on purpose lose you that's to discredit people the term conspiracy theorist was invented by the f FBI to discredit these kinds of people. Who? It was to do with JFK. When JFK got fucking shot. Nice.

When he got fucking bingoed by fucking Lee Harvey Oswald. That was his name. I know. You ever heard that wasn't his name? Was it him? His real name was Mike Gunn. Go on. They covered that up um when people were like hang on this doesn't make sense they they invented the term conspiracy theorist it was invented that term was invented after the assassination of jfk to the scredder people right yeah yeah and my point

is that some of them are very valid but uh conspiracy theorists and the people who love all of this can't help themselves but get carried away and make themselves look like fucking wallies. But these are the people that they're using to discredit these

these things. Their heads flattened. Pizza Gate is real but they've made it so ridiculous that it's now unbelievable. Two for Tuesdays they just covered it up

with that. Two for Tuesdays is part of it. Yeah. Two kids. I ordered ham and pineapple. I've got two eight-year-olds. You know about the Wayfair one, don't you?

Do you know about the Wayfair one? Go on. That is mental. Do you actually know? That's mental, that one. Oh, I can't wait. Buckle up. You know what Wayfair is?

Yeah, go on. Do you actually know what it is? No. The Pink Panther ones? The what? Wayfair is, it's a furniture company in the US. They're really good.

I actually buy stuff off them. Yeah. But apparently, there's certain wardrobes and that's called like, John, Stephanie. What?

And they're really expensive. John and Stephanie? Like, there'll be like a coffee table listed as John, right? But it'll be like seven and a half million quid. John and Stephanie. Like, there'll be like a coffee table listed as John, right? But it'll be like seven and a half million quid. And if you buy that,

you're buying a kid called John. Yeah. Right. Why would they call it John? We're back to... It's a kid's name. All conspiracy theories sound like Wally's. I believe it. Did you pull that up then?

Yeah. Pull the John up. So on... Pull it up. On a furniture website, conspiracy theories sound like Wally's I believe it did you pull that up then yeah pull the Jono so on pull it up on a furniture pull it up on a furniture website that's that unsubtle

and two knobheads three knobheads in Liverpool know all about it oh see heavy watch out they fucking control Google

as well now queuing on oh that's fucking just be careful Dan when you're Buying furniture You go to Ikea And you get the fucking I don't know

Kevin Yeah The bookcases are called Billy Billy fuckcase More like Yeah you've got to be careful Bookcase called Kevin

I wanted somewhere To put books in And retired footballer Kevin Davis turned up being made up I feel weird did you build a Billy bookcase for me

now he delivers for Ikea do you have a flat arse no he doesn't deliver for Ikea you just got your bookcase he doesn't deliver for Ikea he is the bookcase

I just have to I'm like he holds your books he's like do you remember when I signed for Blackburn I was like

I do Kevin just give me the fucking hungry caterpillar that was for loads of money wasn't it yeah, I do, Kevin. Just give me the fucking Hungry Caterpillar. That was for loads of money, wasn't it? Yeah, Kevin, you held the ball up well. Give me the book. It's weird, isn't it? If you don't think it, you're the idiot.

Idiot. He had a fucking fat ass Kevin Davis as well, didn't he? He was from your breed of like, bodonkadonk. Oh. That's how he held the ball up he just booted it up to him

and he just fucking caught it in his ass cheeks get off Vinnitch could you do that I was just thinking that could you shove the ball up your ass and throw it around

could you hold the ball in your ass cheeks if you had a big enough bum yeah yeah it's an obstruction Alison Hammond has wasted her career it's an obstruction Alison Hammond has wasted her career on

good morning oh Alison Hammond could have done such a good job up front for Bolton couldn't she with Jorkaeff just playing off her

even Campos with the long balls just a cocher with the ball stuck to his foot oh yeah yeah yeah run Alison she dives into the goal

bit of flicker bit of fucking skill flicks it over she catches it envelops it in her butt fucking cheeks. Runs. I honestly don't... I think you could. It's obstruction.

If you hadn't... No, it's not. Of course it is. You're obstructing the ball. If you put the ball between your legs and run with it, is that obstruction? Yeah. Oh, is it?

You're obstructing the ball. Then I'm at your ass. I think if you shoved it up your ass, the ref would have an issue. Just VAR. The screen's not big enough. You can hold the ball between your knees

no because then when people try when people are doing that on the floor they give a free kick don't they yeah

yeah but what if you're running free you're running if you're running I don't know where's that ball gone let's get Mike Dean on you can have it on your chest

can't you you can yeah so why don't you right from a goal kick get someone to lie down put it on the chest and then you just all pick them up why don't you right from a goal kick get someone to lie down put on the chest and then you

just all pick them up get an arm each the rest of your team runs like a fucking an NFL offense fucking blocking them and you just run them into the

opposition goal open his arms and legs you've just described rugby what about if you've got a massive pair of tits are you allowed

to just like balance the ball on your tits and you allowed to just like balance the ball on your tits and run with it yeah it's not handball no it's not tip up these strikers need to get some tits you know it's not going to be the champions league players but like you know like of someone just like fuller more barnet ladies oh no no, I'm talking about men getting tits. Oh, men getting tits. Oh, surgically to improve their performance. Of course, taking advantage. You know, think about it.

I am. And if you don't, you're the idiot. Can you get surgery as an athlete to sort of enhance your body? Well, ladies and gents, we are in interesting territory. Can you just have a foot operation and get massive feet? No, it would make it better to swim, we are in interesting territory. Can you just have a foot operation and get massive feet? Yeah, but what's that?

No, it'd make it better to swim, wouldn't it? Yeah. Wow. You just get like feet as like flippers. Yeah, what's the rule on medical enhancements? Don't they just basically convene the fucking IOC and decide on the spot? Because it's not getting done loads. Surely.

So the goalie got massive hands. Yeah? Like his hands are so big. Yeah. Like the thumbs that you have. But what do you mean he's... Surgically. Like two fucking...

Striping pans. When you're a goalkeeper... When you're a goalkeeper, I can't hold my children. Yes, I have 79 caps for Wales, but I can't hold my children. Yes, I have 79 caps for Wales, but I've never held my newborn baby. Yeah, but he can knock two omelettes off at the same time.

I can feed them. I just can't hold them. Do they test your palms when you're... Why is this? Southern black American got 79 caps for Wales. I can't feed see my children. You've never been to the bit of Aberystwyth that I've been to. Oh, welcome to the south side of Aberystwyth.

We don't get many visitors. And this is how we talk. Wales. Wales. Hang on, let's improve once. Golf. Your foot's the driver. Yeah. But you kick it. Yeah. Well, that's improve once. Golf, your foot's the driver. Yeah, but you kick it.

Yeah. Well, that's illegal, isn't it? Why? Your foot's a driver. Yeah, but you're not allowed to kick the ball in golf. You're not? So it doesn't matter if your foot looks like a... No, your foot, it doesn't look like one.

Your legs come off and you've now got a fucking seven iron as a leg. So like a goalkeeper taking a goal kick, you've just got to welly the ball. Yeah. I don't think you'd be as accurate as you would with a goal flop. Just saying.

I want to get back into my golf. My shoulder's feeling better now. We need to start going. High jump at the Olympics. Sprint. They had long legs. Springy shins. Springy or Jack would have been great at that.

What a wasted life going around murdering people when you could have been an Olympic champion. Tennis. Your arms are tennis rackets why is that best than just having a tennis racket Carl's got it in his head the club or the racket

sewn in makes sense because you've got two like Darth Maul yeah or what's in boxing you'd have boxing gloves

on your hands sewn in can't take them off it's well better what if like you get like Yeah. If I wasn't boxing, you'd have boxing gloves on your hands. Sewn in. Can't take them off. It's well better. What if, like, you get, like, knuckle dusters put under your skin?

So, like, when they examine your hands, you go, no, they're not knuckle dusters, they're just what my hands look like. What, like, fucking Wolverine is actually in?

Yeah. Then you're just a boxer and you're just fucking... Oh, mate. You know, you're into the UFC can you do you fuck with all this bare knuckle stuff

no I don't like it and the slapping shit is horrific have you seen the ass slapping one there's a new one with women just slapping asses I I just get knocked out

by slapping someone on the ass it's just recognition if you watch if you watch Instagram for long enough it will show you a sport that you didn't know existed. Competitive battle juggling is something that I...

Oh, I saw that. Patriots special. They're like shoving each other out of the way. Battle juggling. They're trying to catch and go, fuck off! It's fucking stupid. But you can't not watch it.

The one that looks the most fun is the balloon. Like, do you know that game you used to play? Just keeping the balloon up for you. I want to compete in this internationally. It's in like a living room. Yeah. You can see into it, like in the cage. Right, so it's just a balloon in the air.

Keeping the balloon in the air. How long does a game go on for? Quite a while, you know? It can go on for quite a bit, you know? Like, honestly. It's called the Balloon World Cup. Peru are the world champions. It's because of the altitude.

Oh, look at it. Oh! Oh! Oh, mate, yes. Oh, and they've got a fucking... Yeah, they've got obstacles. A Volkswagen in there. Look at that for advertising.

That's great sponsorship. Oh! Oh, this is... So once you've touched it... Woo! Mate, I get it. I get it. Yeah, so it's essentially that game you played

when you were younger, Don't Let It Hit The Floor. Yeah. Yeah. What a game. That is... I'm into it. Mate, I get it. I get it. Yeah. So it's essentially that game you played when you were younger. Don't let it hit the floor. Yeah. Yeah. What a game. That is... I'm into it. I've got it.

Balloons for the arms. He's joking. He's being silly, isn't he? The static. That wouldn't help with that. What other games from being a kid would you like to UFC

The Floor is Lava The Floor is Lava I mean that that's actually been made into a TV show isn't it The Floor is Lava is a TV show now

have you seen it on Netflix yeah The Floor is Lava The Floor is Lava is a TV show yeah it's got a real

crystal maze vibe about it and you've got to get across and there's obstacles and there's like a liquid crystal maze vibe about it and you've got to get across and there's obstacles and there's like a liquid that they're pretending is lava. But Etta loves it

because in her head it is fucking lava. Might be. Yeah. It's not though, is it? You don't know? I don't, but it's Netflix so it's probably not. Did you ever play German Bastards

when you were growing up? What? Yeah, GB. German Bastards? Never played German Bastards? What? I don't even know what it was called. Something from the war?

I think it's just a bit racist, yeah. Cool. That sounds like a game I would have played in my past that was, you know, ages ago. Do you remember German Bastards? Do you never play the Crimean War? Did you play German Bastards? What about you, Finn?

No, I don't. Maybe it's got another name english bastards so uh german bastards was essentially i didn't see but when you found them you battled the shit oh yeah yeah wow play murder in the dark oh what a game not a cardinal heenan i can't remember i said this i think many of you worked here, and they were like, oh yeah, sounds like the most pedo game ever. Oh no, was it? Yeah, I remember, yeah.

Maid in the Dark, I can't remember how that goes. So you hide in a bedroom in the dark, and the person who's on has a blindfold on as well, and if they touch you, they've got you. So you basically move around the room quietly. We played this differently. Will he's out? Finn's gonna do a really brutal version.

I'm cold and he sucked me off. We played secrets at the sleepover and you weren't allowed to tell anybody. I had jobs at the dark. Murder in the dark was just, you turn the lights off, make the room as dark as possible and it was just a free-for-all to batter each other.

Oh, cool, cool. You didn't all fuck. No, no. It's not gay if you can't see anyone yeah you just battered each other in the dark

do you ever play great British Bulldog what? great British Bulldog oh yours was better than ours we just called it British Bulldog no there's both the Welsh

and the Scottish involved as well very inclusive school Carmelian British Bulldog was just basically rugby league without the fucking ball, wasn't it? Yeah. Twatting through a line. So there's a line of people,

you've got to get past them to their wall. And if they grab you on the way, you're now on their team. You become part of the wall. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. I won six years in a row. The Dovey Championship of yeah

yeah well I've seen the I've seen the plaque the great British bulldog what games did you do did you do games in like class like did you do heads down thumbs up mate

yeah duck duck goose heads down thumbs up that's the way we like to fuck heads down whoa let's have a game right now heads, thumbs up. That's the way we like to fuck. Heads down. Whoa. Let's have a game right now. Heads down, thumbs up. Yeah.

Cheap. Are you looking at the shoes? You do this. Like this. Someone would pinch your thumb. And if you got it, you'd have to guess who it was. It's all lined up at the front.

It was always the beard. Do you fancy it yet? Yeah. You know? Yeah. You'd play tactically though. You'd overthink it. You'd be like,

I'll go for my best mate because they'll go. It's not him. My best mate wouldn't have picked me. But you'd cheat by looking at the shoes. Yeah. Do you ever play Duck, Duck, Goose? We've done this before, haven't we?

Duck, Duck, Goose. Have we? Yeah, we've talked about it before, yeah. I don't know. I'm usually good at that. No, we never did Duck, Duck, Goose. Duck, Duck, Goose was impossible to win if you were the one on the floor, basically, wasn't it?

You'd have to volley them. Talk me through duck, duck, goose. So you'd all sit in a circle. Right? It's like a big circle of you on the floor. Right? And let's say it's my turn. I'm on.

Got to go round the circle. And you touch everyone on the head. And you say, duck, duck, duck, duck. When you say goose, duck duck when you say goose that person has to get up and chase you around and beat you back to their seat

fuck we did do this game but it's I don't think we called it duck duck goose I remember something like it circle circle run run circle circle run run roundy roundy

T-Rex T-Rex T-Rex tenodactyl was that long ago bit laboured bit laboured bit laboured but you were good at that as well every year

oh yeah yeah two weight champion two weight weight Adam won before now he's had a shit he's won again

that one else two weight champion do you ever play construction site in class go on I haven't got any I just thought

nah heads down thumbs up if you played that at the end of the day mate you had a good day yeah

oh my god squeezing all the birds fingers isn't there I thought there was no birds at your school no this is a little you didn't play

in a big school you didn't play duck duck goose at Cardinal Heeman you just bought you've all been running around in your sats boys come on we're going to have a game of duck duck goose I'm chatting some birds what about high school was it just footy or just talking about

how to hide a body have you ever played hide this body with me and don't fucking snitch that was definitely played by some people. Mr. Evans. Wink murder. Ever do that? What?

Wink murder. Wink murder was great. Never played it, but I know what it is. Do you know what it is? Is it like Mr. President? Do you think I know what it is? I honestly believe. You went to like drama club.

It was more like that sort of thing. I believe construction site was a game. I was like, what was that? He was like, I made up. So wink murder was this. No one in the room knows who the mayor that it is right but one person's been nominated as the mayor today yeah yeah the teacher goes and taps them on the shoulder you're in a circle again yeah and then so like let's say

let's say i'm on but none of you know i'm on i just like look at you and wink you're dead oh there's a detective as well we forgot dead. Oh, there's a detective as well. We forgot to mention that bit. There's a detective that's got to work out who the murderer is. But you've got to catch them winking. It's like a government-funded thing. They'd send an actual detective in to play with you. Yeah.

So I just wink, you're dead. So you're dead, but someone's got to have spotted that I winked at you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Was the internet invented at this? No. Oh, okay, cool.

Bitch, you know. This is pre-internet. This was little school. Right. Cool. Plus the internet back then was? No. Oh, okay, cool. Bitch, you know. It's pre-internet. This was little school. Right. Cool. Plus the internet back then was shit, wasn't it? Google. You just look at cars.

Is that what you did? I used to love to Google the word cars and look at all the Lamborghinis in there. Did you make yourself some footy boots? Oh, every day. I don't know why they're 600 quid. I can't buy them. Yeah, make them Nike ID 40 boots

what did you play in school Roberto Baggio's free kick game oh I played that instead of doing IT and I go the chippy

slime soccer yeah oh keep it on your head oh I've chipped you your guns and I've gone behind you oh

there's jumpers for goalposts when you were in school was that the volleys one yeah you could do a bit of everything and the match of the day free kick game absolute fire what about this one um when she'd run fast track and field in school. Was that the volleys one? Yeah, you could do a bit of everything and the match of the day free kick game.

Absolute fire. What's this one? When she'd run fast. Track and field. Yeah, but it was Denise Welsh. Lewis. Not Welsh. Denise Welsh.

It was Denise Welsh. Track and field. Loose women it was. Loose women. Chatting shit, chatting shit. Ah, it's like tap this as fast as you can to get your son off

that 17 year old in his crowd. It's untwisted that. Bad boy. He's f***ing the you can to get your son off that 17 year old in his crowd. Someone make that game. I don't know how she said it. Someone please make that game. She gave a name for the rights. It'll sell. It will sell.

Fucking hell. Let's have will sell. Fucking hell. Let's have a break. Part two. Part two of four. This episode doesn't go out until we're all like 45. It's only a week. That's in three weeks for me.

Oh, it is. Hang on. This goes out. I'll be 42. He will be older. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All of us will. No, but you'll have a numerical value be older. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All of us will.

No, but like, you'll have a numerical value to show you're older. Ooh, numerical value, Carl! Ooh, lovely use. 42? What a lovely age. 42.

42. The answer to life, the universe, and everything, isn't it? How does it feel? Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. No different. That is the meaning of life, isn't it? Imagine if you wake? Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. No different. That is the meaning

of life, isn't it? Imagine if you wake up on your 42nd birthday and you've just got an absolute fucking pipe of a cock. Imagine if you just wake up and you've got

an absolute Lenny. Oh, wouldn't that be fucking great? I would love... Is that something that happens in your middle age? Your dick gets bigger?

Meaning of life. What is the meaning of life? 42. Yeah. What is the meaning of life? 42. Yeah. What's the number 42? What's the significance? There you go.

42 is the ASCII code for the symbol, also known as the asterisk. This symbol is often thought to translate to anything or everything. In this instance, 42 equals everything, the meaning of life. Well, I'm so much wiser for reading out that paragraph.

There you go. So you're going to find out what it all means now when you're 42. Yeah, hopefully. Honestly, would you rather swap the meaning of life or an absolute weapon?

I'll take middle-aged weapon. It'd be great. It's from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way. Yeah, there you go. I remember that. Is that also a game you played at school? Yeah.

We played Massive Weapon. What? It's a film, isn't it? Don't be silly. What? You're being silly. Don't, I'm not biting. We're not even Googling.

That's not saying Goodfellas isn't a film. The Hitchhiker's Guide to... The Milky Way. Yeah, cool. I've seen itellas is in a film. The Hitchhiker's Guide to... The Milky Way? Yeah, cool. I've seen it. It's a good film. Martin Freeman's in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so confusing. I'm not buying. That is so confusing. The BBC News is not real at 10 o'clock. Are we on a boat? This is my birthday present. So he's so pissed off. These cunts.

What are you getting me? Oh, we don't do birthdays, do we? We don't do birthdays. Do you want me to get you a present? No. From New York. Oh. No.

A massive weapon. Bring me back a gun. Okay. What are the gun stores like in New York? I'm not going to get you a gun easier over the gun stores like in New York I reckon I can get you a gun easier over here one phone call mate when we

get it dropped off quicker than RKO grill it's a 45 minute wait who wants a gun put it on the phone garlic please get the gun on Steve's phone though

erm when we're when we're in Nashville what are the chances of Adam getting inebriated taking the company card and trying to buy a firearm? He did something similar in Spain.

If you remember. I bought a bow and arrow off an African man on the beach. I'm talking about something else. We, Oh yeah. We cut it out. Oh yeah. I don't remember what we're talking about.

You bought a big knife. Oh yeah. I did, didn't I? Yeah. Your arse was fully out. You just wouldn't let me sit on the plane. No.

It was those who stopped. That was a mental walk home, wasn't it? Yeah. We literally got cock-flavoured fucking waffles. No, not flavoured. It was yours,

cock-flavoured. There you are, love. Yeah, I'll have the... Mine wasn't even made of waffles. It wasn't even shaped like a cock, it was a cock. Gareth, come on. What was it? Was it a waffle? It was like a waffle.

The penis waffle. It was lovely. He bought a knife, then we all just wandered off innocently. He was like, you left me in the shop and Powell walked home. Fucking intense half an hour, that. It's the most intense half an hour that it's the most intense half an hour of the

retina you literally hammered in the shop we just sort of walked out a little bit and that was it you should have fucking two and a half miles away

you gotta go back after us you never leave a man after a cock flavored waffle fucking rules no what's the chance in Nashville of... Can you buy a... Is it open carry?

I don't know. It sounds open carry, doesn't it? Tennessee. Apparently Nashville's pretty liberal and like... Can we open carry weapons? Because we abide by their laws, don't we? Permitless open and concealed carry for anyone at least 21 years old.

I'm getting a gun! We can have guns! Can we all have a gun? Like, you know, we all get a bit of money. We can walk into Walmart and just buy a fucking Uzi. Can we do that?

That's fucking mental. But we can't bring it home, obviously. Can we ask them to, like, store it somewhere on the plane and we can have it on the other side? Yeah, famously, you have to pay extra for the gun store. They were like, have you got a gun in this bag? 20 quid to the final security.

Yeah, I've got some pot and a gun there. Tell it before you, but I haven't. That's for you. That's for you. We should all buy guns. No. We won't buy bullets. Surely it's quite easy to get a gun on a plane. Because you've got should all buy guns. No. We won't buy bullets. Surely it's quite easy

to get a gun on a plane because you've got a gun. Put me on. On a plane? Is there a gun in this bag? No, there's a gun in my hand. And my other hand is a gun. So you've got to let me on the plane

because I've sewn guns into me hands. So no. Yeah. Call me Edward Gunhands. What happens if your gun is a gun? What happens if your hand is a gun? Why do you always ask me that? Well, let me tell you about Tennessee state law.

I actually think Gunhands is federal. Interesting. It is federal law. Oh, we've got to buy a gun. Even if we give it back. Right. To who? The shop owner.

Just return it. Yeah. We've decided we don't want this gun, you know, because we can't sew it into our hands. I thought this was

a hand-sewing gun. I imagine us all just like, bah, bah, bah. Yeah, I'm buying a gun. Yeah. There's no way we're going to a place

where you can walk into Asda and buy a gun and not walking into Asda and buying a gun yeah there's no way we're going to a place where you can walk into asda and buy a gun and not walking into asda buying a gun are they exploding ney bogazzi's got a great bit about it where he goes and they're literally like here feel it feel the weight of it next door at like verizon you can't even get a phone to your ear because it's attached but in in the gun store, I was like walking down an escalator. I want a sniper rifle. I want two. It's for self-defense. Is this for self-defense?

Yeah, just, you know, once that cunt turns a corner, right, the end of the fucking road. I know. I know what he's coming for. No, but we just don't buy bullets and we're safe. We can walk cool. Yeah.

Cool. Well, let's get tooled up. Sometimes you don't want to do a podcast with a fucking band in your pocket, mate. Killshot and all that. No bullets. I would shoot you if I could afford bullets. I like this rock.

Right, okay, cool. Well, someone's going to die, isn't it? I think it'd be ridiculous for us to go and not buy guns. I think it'd be ridiculous for us to go and not buy guns I think it'd actually be stupid I am buying a gun yeah that's why I asked the question

because it was definitely happening it's worrying when Carl's on board with the stupid I really feel Carl are getting a shotgun each mate oozing in the back pocket when this business is in trouble is when

two of the three people that own it are like lads it doesn't make any sense not to. With the price of guns going up. It's an investment. I haven't got a pension, but I've got a fucking arsenal. Oh my God, I'm so excited now.

It's soon as well, isn't it? Yeah, it's in a month. It's a month today? It's a month today? Yes! Pow, pow, pow, today yes I go to New York next week and come back and then go

back to America so stupid oh my god so many guns this is tracking back to the international waters conversation we had on a previous

episode Jordy Andy has emailed in have a word pod at gmail.com if you want to talk about gun ownership or sewing them into your hands

or ask a stupid question or make up a lie and expect us to read it or tell us about the laws of international waters. Wag wag. Geordie Andy here. Patreon. You were talking about international...

Away. Harry. Fucking Geordie Andy here. Patreon. You're talking about international waters, like, and how to kill someone. So I thought you'd better

know the fucking rules league you are correct that 12 miles offshore is international waters bound by the

laws of the country oh sorry and essentially lawless but whilst on a ship in international

waters you are bound by the laws of the country the ship is registered to so if you are on a cruise ship

registered in England and killed someone you'll be handed over to the police when the ship docked to. So if you are on a cruise ship registered in England and killed someone, you'll be handed over to the police when the ship docked in a British port. Also, fun fact is every cruise ship has a brig, which is a small prison, and the captain has the power to detain you. Also, the security teams are generally ex-special forces

to fight off potential pirates. But again, here is the interesting part. If you are on an unregistered vessel in international waters then you aren't covered by any law so say for example you bought a blow-up dinghy on your cruise and whilst in whilst in international waters you took some prick on the dinghy and done him in and then returned to the ship you've just committed the perfect crime so does anyone want to come on a cruise love the pod keep it up ge up. Geordie Andy. P.S. Dan, you do a great Geordie impression for a massive nonce.

Do you know what I struggle with? The fact that pirates exist. Yeah. Arr. Yeah. That's a pirate noise, isn't it? Yeah, but that was entry all over again, that. Those are Somalian, aren't they? Some of, that. The Somalian auntie,

they have a difference. Some of them are. The Somalian ones are. Oh, mate, the Somalians are like... Belarusian pirates as well. Mate, mate, the Somalians

are absolutely bossing international piracy. Look at me, mate. I'm the captain now. Foot and cap. Late hour. Eh, eh. Oh, no.

Oh, sorry. They wouldn't say that. No, they wouldn't. They go, Howie! Howie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a...

What do you think a pirate... They haven't got like buried treasure and like crocodiles with like alarm clocks in them. What? They just want to rob things, don't they?

They're remaking Hook though. Yeah. With all Somalian pirates. It's what... It's a big-ass one. It's like some female ghostbusters. Mate, there's a black... There's a black little mermaid. We can have proper Somalian pirates. Hook what it's a progressive one it's like some female ghostbusters mate there's a black there's a black little mermaid

we can have proper Somalian pirates hooks for hands he's thinking you used to work in Topman you've gotta let me on the fucking ship Somalia

absolute who's the next who's the next country down for pirates league table yeah where are I mean the Somalians are somewhere in the Caribbean the Somalians are like Absolute. Who's the next country down for pirates? League table. Yeah. I mean, the Somalians are so... Somalians are like...

The Somalians are like buying Munich. The British Virgin Islands. The British Virgin Islands. I'll try that again. Somewhere in the Caribbean. The British Virgin Islands. Is that in the Caribbean? It doesn't sound...

Nigeria. Indonesia. Number of incidents? Six. Oh, look at that. So Singapore straight. I don't know what that is. The what?

The Singapore straight. And the British virgins. The non-gay ones. The Singapore straight. It's a good funny scene. The Nigerian gays. They've had 35 since 2021. Oh, no, just in 2021.

So everyone was locked down and they had 35 pirate incidents. And that's why you need to obey lockdown rules. Because you wouldn't get attacked by Somalian pirates if you just stayed in your house. And Peru is in second place with 18. Fucking hell. That must be a different... Are the Somalians

getting to Peru Singapore straight the Peruvian pedophiles and the Ghana gays what a fucking league plays for Everton doesn't he Adam's fell on the floor for the audio listeners for the audio listeners and there's loads of you

that big thump wasn't just Adam's dick falling out of his pants what a league oh and you've trumped while you were down there oh oh it's an absolute

oh my god oh Adam you've pooed your pants oh my god thank god you didn't do that in the steam room no I thought we were getting

a bit of backdraft there but we're not oh it smells like hot pot that was superb really enjoyed that right so just steer clear

of Adam Rowe and a dinghy you're fucking gullible if you're getting on a dinghy with someone yeah we're on a cruise

we're so far out lad do you want to just get in this dinghy with me you've seemed really annoyed at me for the last few weeks nah

let's go dinghying but we're in the singapore straits um mitchell lambo rye says this is a scouse based question mitchell lambo rye says wag wag from sydney uh question tiago alicantra born in italy but he's spanish raheem sterling born in jamaica but he's english erling harlem born in england but he's Spanish. Raheem Sterling, born in Jamaica, but he's English. Erling Haaland, born in England, but he's Norwegian. How does Scouse citizenship work? Can you qualify through a residency period?

Can you qualify through ancestry? I was born and raised on the Wirral, but both parents and all four grandparents were born and raised in Liverpool.

Wool or eligible for Scouse citizenship? Now, he's a bad fucking game. Yeah, you can, that's not a wool. You are. His family are sound, but he's a bad fucking gimp. Yeah, you can hand that. It's not a wool. You are. It's family of sound, but he's a wool. What happens if you're born and raised in Sydney

but move to Liverpool at, say, 15 years old? No. You're a Sidneyan. Never a Scouser? Or after 10, 20, 30 years, do you qualify as Scouse? No, you're born. Thanks, lids. Mitchell Lambeau Rice.

You could give birth to Scouse children, but you'll never be a Scouser. You'll never be us. Well, I mean, be us yeah well he's I mean by your rules he's going the wrong way as well isn't he he was born on the Wirral

and then fucked off to Australia so he's not helped his case yeah but he can't claim Scouse citizenship I think you've got to be yeah before the age of

accent development you've got to have an accent you've got to live I live in I live in Australia but I've got an accent I get a Scouser you can't go

oh I've got family there I think it's probably like yeah but Scouse hang on accents can change we had a lad called we had a lad called Ross at our school

who turned up in like fucking year 10 and by the end of year 10 he'd gone from being Scouse to talking like he was from Burnley he changed his accent he sounds like a gobshite

he's just I think you can still change your accent pretty late can't you I think six I'm calling six I'm going ten

ten because you're more you're a person aren't you I think so someone turned up at nine years of age they can become a Scouser what about

for like honorary Scouse citizen like Lucas Laver if someone's done like I mean Dietmar Hammann was here for a while What about for like honorary Scouse citizen, like... Lucas Leiva. Yeah, if someone's done like... I mean, Dietmar Hammann was here for a while and then started speaking... He's a stupid German.

That's fucking... Yeah, that's the game. That was the game at Cardinal. It was called German Bastards. You just go round to Dietmar Hammann's house and fucking sweat. He talks absolute fucking pants, him. Is there anyone that's you know

that qualifies sliced alone well because he came to an Everton game that's all you need Lucas Laver's a scouser is he

yeah how long was he here or is that not important a while yeah it's just the unlucky thing isn't it said all

yeah he's a scouser Costa Simicas is a Scouser Costa Simicas is a Scouser Albert Moreno maybe maybe outside chance

not the Man United no he's just he's a Spaniard that's sad he's gone back though hasn't he he's not even here anymore yeah but he still

he still loves the Reds Cardio Scouser Buffer Heaven yeah CRC Scouser Mitchell Lambeau Rice you're out mate

oh he's a fucking the fact that he's at the right he's the lowest of the low what he was never a Scouser he's below

the lowest of the low he's in Sydney somewhere going lad I am a fucking Scouser it's mad the way he probably lives closer to Adam

than I do but because it's on the wrong side of the closer to Adam than I do but because it's on the wrong side of the water well he lives in Sydney so he doesn't know what I mean when he was born

what was he so when he was born yeah maybe lives closer to the city centre than a lot of Scousers but that water mate makes all the

fucking different yeah it fucking does erm I like wolves I think they're all they're alright but you're not they're not Yeah, it fucking does. I like wolves. I think they're all right. But you're not.

They're not. Not real. You're nice people. And, you know, I'm glad that they exist. The choice of footwear makes me sick. All of them? All of them. All people from the world?

No, not the world, wolves. Oh, wolves. Sorry, go on. St. Helens. They have the same shops as us, but pick the wrong stuff every time. It's madness. You go in, you go, no, to all of that,

and they go, oh, actually. Look at these, Jono. Look at these shoes. Wouldn't these be really good if they were all white? Oh, look at these. Fuck off. Do you like my new Lacoste trainers? Got them from market.

Same shops. You go down the market. I'm always in the market. Always in the market buying fucking webs. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's math. Like 10 miles.. Yeah. I don't know. It's mad.

Like 10 miles. He's just, people don't know how to dress. It's intense. Right. We've got some underrated, overrated. We've got a jingle for it.

Have we? We've got two jingles. Oh, see. Right. This is from, let me find the name. Sorry. That's not his name though.

Don't say his name though. Yeah, no, it is his name, but he's got another name. He doesn't say his name though. Yeah, no, it is his name, but he's got another name. He doesn't want his name said. This is... Is that good enough?

No, no, he didn't say don't say it. No, he doesn't want his name said. He's told me before. Ah. He's a teacher. He doesn't want his name said. So this isn't from someone called... So this is from Dench Jetski.

Hang on, is that enough of a cut? Because that needs to be cut out. No, don't blank it. Just cut that out. So it's aka, this is Dench Jetski on Twitter. Right, okay. You've got two to choose from. I know which one you're going to like already, but...

Whoa! Now, I'll agree that that one's not subtle, but it makes me want to do pills. This one, I don't know. I think this one might go down better with Adam. Ready? It's overrated overrated they keep you alive with each other What the fuck?

Who's made them? Dentsch Jetski Dentsch Jetski. Well, it's the second one Yeah Yeah Wow Which one was... It's fine, I'll do it.

Dan's lost all humour. Nice. I knew it was coming though though You could see in Carl's eyes Before he was like So we're going with this one The underrated overrated If you're listening to Have a word for the first time We haven't just thrown that in.

That's so stupid. That was just me taking a piss out of country and western music and I ad-libbed that. Don't hit your wife with a shovel. Underrated, overrated. Overrated. It's overrated. Overrated.

That's my favourite jingle by so much distance Lee Stockley says underrated overrated hot tubs just an outside fizzy bath for me

bollocks underrated on a boat this guy's a prick he's a knobhead oh and he's from The Wirral Good

Good No hot tub What do you mean Fizzy bath Hot tub improve Any situation I don't see why What

Funerals You don't get any Funerals You don't Go home from a funeral Get in a hot tub No I mean At the funeral

You wouldn't rather Watch a funeral From a hot tub I mean I would But I think you'd get I think you'd get judged No That's where they do Their speeches from Yeah no You don't bring watch a funeral from a hot tub? I mean, I would, but I think you'd get judged, wouldn't you? That's where they do their speeches from.

Yeah, no, you don't bring the hot tub because that would be weird, but there's a hot tub there. You get in it, don't you? There's a hot tub at the Jacksonville Jaguars Stadium.

I've seen it. Where they get to, it's because they cannot fill that fucking stadium. So there's like a gimmicky thing. I'd like to say hot tubs are rated

perfectly. No, they're underrated. They're absolutely incredible. No, but that's what you... You know that they're a luxury, so they are rated as such. I wouldn't... The second I buy a house and build me home,

I will get a hot tub built in the backyard. Have you seen the... There's a lot of incidents of people who have sex in hot tubs and they get stuck inside because the water... There's something with the heat of the who have sex in hot tubs and get stuck inside because the water, there's something with the heat of the water. Water is not a lubricant.

You can't get it docked in there. Yeah. Can't dock it, it's cold. There's actually a hot tub. It didn't happen to me. Yeah, same. It's fine. But just PSA.

Watch out. Do you want to do it for everyone? Yeah. Hot tubs are fun yeah unless you're on unless you're on your stag day

but they are rated and you're there all weekend and you don't realise that the water is just a I honestly thought the water was being filtered out and cleaned I know you're pissed

it was an absolute fucking cesspool by the end of it it was horrible I thought there was like a filtration system it is just a fucking

fancy bath innit chlorine innit oof chlorine innit yeah in your hot tub yeah damn

go on still overrated Rhys Williams says Jeremy Clarkson underrated overrated I mean he smells

magnificent wow I love a bit of kind of there's a story here so you play Maiden in the Dark

with Jeremy Clarkson I went to in uni I'd go to a lot of TV show recordings just because there's nothing

else to do and it's free I went to watch you know most people like get drunk and have sex and that I went to watch. You know most people like get drunk and have sex and that. I did that as well but in the daytime.

Sex is free. Because it was at Media City so there was loads of shows that I went to. TV shows were just full of bored students. Yeah,

they are. It's either weed or Jeremy Clarkson or both. Did you get stoned? Yeah. Oh, what did you go and watch?

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Oh my God. Fuck off. Yeah, and he was stood next to me and he said some, or Jeremy Clarkson did you get stoned yeah oh what did you go and watch who wants to be a millionaire oh my fuck off yeah and he was stood next to me he said some I can't remember what he said

we had a bit of banter and you went me and Jez you had a bit of banter with Jez yeah I was the closest person next to him

I'm on the first episode of the reboot of who wants to be a millionaire if anyone's got ITV hub go and watch it I'm there just sick

and he smelt do you get to do fastest finger first yeah yeah we got to do he smelled do you get to do fastest finger first what yeah yeah we got to do no i didn't get to do fastest finger first that's the audience i'd have been given the wrong answer fastest finger face from the audience it's a man in the crowd do you not remember what banter were you genuinely stoned yeah oh god i did it with paddy mcness. He asked me to say the long Welsh name. He went, is there any Welsh in?

Like that. Yeah. That was on Benchmark, a cancelled show after six episodes. It was fire. Paddy McGuinness, overrated. I went to his farm last week. No, he's not. I went to Jeremy Clarkson's farm last week.

Diddly squat. Is Patrick McGuinness a made-up name? Go on. Is that not his name? I've only just realised that he's... Oh, Paddy McGuinness. Yeah. Irish McGuinness.

No, it's his name. Patrick Joseph McGuinness. You can't have a say in a McGuinness and call your son Paddy. Paddy, no. Yeah, I went to his farm last week it was shit you went to

Paddy McGuinness's farm yeah in Bolton turkey baklava that was my original name

where's turkey baklava it's a great effort turkey baklava er Jeremy Clarkson's farm yeah he's got like a farm shop and a It's a great effort Turkey Beclava Er Jeremy Clarkson's farm Yeah

He's got like a farm shop And a restaurant and everything Yeah so I went And I got in the queue And he went Oh you're not going to get To the front in time For us to not close

He said The queue The front of the queue Is two hours away What and Clarkson was there No Alright I thought you said

Jeremy Clarkson came up No no So the queue was too long For me to get to the front, so we just had a pint left. Yeah. Yeah. Jeremy Clarkson is just,

everyone thinks he's a twat, and he is. There was a few years where Top Gear was class. Top Gear is class, even when he's a twat. But it wasn't good because of him. Yeah, you're not lying. No, it was everyone, wasn't it?

It worked really well. Yeah. The BBC trying to. No, it was everyone, wasn't it? It worked really well. Yeah. The BBC trying to keep Top Gear going is like, it is a bit painful. It's Paddy McGuinness. That's weird. But it is honestly like, have a word. It's almost like someone comes in and buys it out, the name,

and then we go and go, we're going to do our own podcast and call it a completely different name. And they just keep everything the same and just pick three random blokes it's never gonna feel right is it but yet no one watched top gear because he thought jerry clarkson was sound he watched it because it was funny lingus you're on you're on permanent play i love love a bit of Conor Lingus. I hope that was muted. You're overrated, overrated

to hit your wife with a shovel. Jack Lucas says, lesbian porn, underrated, overrated. Properly racist. It's just good, isn't it? I'm not into it. You're not into it? No.

I'm not into lesbian porn, no. Never you just think No because I have to Imagine myself in the situation To like Get into porn I can do that With lesbian porn though

You just watch it My name's Mandy And I am Dominant No I just imagine Walking in and they're like Motting each other out And they're just like

Oh here's a cock What? Yeah But if a cock gets involved And got back at you I don't know Motting each other out Yeah Licking each other out Yeah

Licking each other out Mot mot mot Mot mot mot Is that the noise you're making Motting R.I.P. John Mottson Isn't it

She's fucking Mottying him out It's John Mottson He's dead Get that sheepskin on I've never heard that before Lovely hand gesture Keith Lemon You've never heard of before lovely hand gesture Keith Lemon

you've never heard of Martin no Keith Lemon made it I think I think it's overrated I think it's like a teenage

boy thing and it's like that's why it's a well better porn I think it's well overrated I think it's

fine but honestly if you had to categorise it and then league table it you like to see a plough

honestly I'd love two lesbians to be there but I want we need some dick in you need to see cock

I need to see large cock otherwise you're like also that little one where the guy's like not got much because that's also like a

almost like a fetish thing in it where a guy's got a little penis what are we doing? What's that got to do with it? What? What's that got to do with what we're talking about? We're talking about types of porn

Oh We're literally just talking about cocking porn and I talked about a cocking porn Go Oh I thought you were talking about what you liked Right

That felt special didn't it? are we talking about cocking porn oh it just sounded like you were listening the cocking porn things that you like oh if we're talking about that i don't know yeah yeah i'm a it's big or little in it's i just need that also i think having two lesbians there is great, but then, ship the dick in. 100%. Yeah, I guess. One more. Is it overrated

or underrated to hit your wife with a shovel? Dean Mallon says Netflix underrated, overrated. Just rated, innit? It's expensive. Now. says Netflix underrated overrated just rated isn't it

it's expensive now it isn't have you ever noticed they come out of your bank ever no because I don't pay they are about how much

stuff you get for what and the guy who pays yeah but patreon.com slash have a word pod is much better value for money yeah

out of a pound yeah like we're in a league of our own can't be comparing us to these small five companies I think Netflix was

when they're not running the game as much as they used to now everyone else is like cool you're not having our films we'll have Sony Paramount

Disney that sort of they've taken some of the staples away that I used to watch all the time The Office no

The Office is still on there thankfully UK Office Modern Family used to be on there I used to watch that the time The Office No The Office is still on there thankfully UK Office Modern Family used to be on there I used to watch that all the time and now that's on Disney

and you've got to find where everything is You need them all You need Disney You need Prime You need Netflix That's fine Just have them all

But if you can only afford one I think Netflix is still the one It's still number one Has anyone watched Yellowstone yet? No It's meant to be good

It's meant to be amazing Kevin Costner running a national park. Ooh. That's on Paramount, I think. Sounds great. I think Netflix might be

not as good as it used to be. I think it's losing some of it. I can see how someone could think it is overrated because it just doesn't have all the stuff that it used to have.

Yeah. And a couple, even though I do enjoy it, I'm not counting the Netflix. But it can't be overrated, can it? Because it's not like

people are walking around going oh my god have you heard about Netflix it's the fucking best thing since sliced bread like no one's doing that are they no they're not

I haven't heard anyone do that for ages when Stranger Things comes out every time that's like all you fucking see and if you're not involved in it

it's a bit annoying also Prime's annoying oh I'll watch that are you going to pay £54 to watch it oh Prime's I think one of the worst I'm going to pay £54 to watch it oh Prime's I think one of the worst ones

does my head oh you've got Amazon Prime yeah come and watch whatever you want oh that you want that oh I don't know about that hey Amazon Prime

is just because I want free delivery the next day and they're like we make TV shows as well I couldn't give a fuck no but they've got some good stuff on there

they've got a little bit of good stuff it's not a lot what I do like about Amazon Prime is even though because I only really get it for the delivery

as well you do get some free TV with it but I like to be able to go I want to watch any film in HD I can just get it

I can just buy it yeah there isn't a film that you can't get on Amazon yeah Sky's got Sky Store we bought Lost in

Translation today and we've bought it just because it's there. Got it forever. Yeah. It was International Book Day last week and Etta went as

Hermione Granger. So she was hyped up about it. She had the outfit. We were like, oh, cool, we'll watch Harry Potter. We'll watch The Philosopher's Stone and they've taken it off.

Turkish Netflix. Sky. NordVPN. I needed NordVPN. Yeah, if you'd had NordVPN using our code, word. Word. That one. It's in it. NordVPN I needed NordVPN yeah if you'd had NordVPN using our code word word that one

NordVPN.com slash word yes if you're saying to Turkish Netflix Steve would be so fuming if he was still in here all the other parties

it's break time I'm hungry break of time how we how we Somalian pirate. He's getting good at voices. Foot and Vicky's back in the Foot and Studio.

All-time Hall of Fame. Hey! Lids, lids, lids. How are you? I'm really good, thank you. How are you? You said before you were nervous about coming back on because you were loved so much last time.

You feel like you've got to match it and you're worried your mates have lost it. This is all completely correct. thank you for adding to my anxiety that's what i put the pressure on do you know i mean let's get the best out of you yeah i mean i've always always tried to be on the a game but like last couple of times i've been there was no expectations you know we just had a nice chat i thought yeah i'll call them i'll say what it's about second time i thought oh yeah i like itads are lovely. But now, I've set the fucking precedent, haven't I?

And people are expecting big things and I always just get worried, like what if I've lost it? It's like your title defence this. You've got the title. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, do you know what I mean?

That's exactly how I feel. I also feel like, Dan, you're giving me hacky looks. Is it because I was in your seat last night? You are, Dan. You are. I feel like you're being really bitchy.

I'm getting vibes, man. Give it a break. All break alright I was a little bit threatened I was on my holidays in my Yorker and it was already shit and then everyone was like lads just do the right thing Dan

I know you started the podcast step aside step aside for anyone who hasn't seen sorry I'll do this for anyone who hasn't seen that episode when Callum Oakley

was the guest Vicky was my wonderful co-host and it's arguably the best episode we've ever done I agree I agree

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I agree I agree I agree I agree I agree I agree I yeah so now I have two yeah what breed another Labrador okay it's called Max we adopted him from Wales adopted oh that's very good Vicky

you know you've got the energy for the Labrador because these these like fucking throwing down money on dogs I'd rather adopt a dog

he's worth the money I'd rather adopt a dog I just don't want some fucking scraggy one that was pulled out of a river and now fucking can't sleep you don't have to have a Vietnam War veteran

like I've seen some bad shit is that a bomb dog yeah send him out to a field to look for mines and the fucking dogs just make you jump through fucking hoops

not the dog ironic me make you jump through hoops they've got a little course come on they come round they're like oh

you've got plants in the garden you might eat them you can't be having a dog you but if you just go they're like oh you've got plants in the garden they might eat them you can't be having a dog you but if you just go to some cunt whose dog

has got up the duff in Wigan he will give you it for a reasonable price and you don't have to deal with the fucking bureaucracy of fucking

the dog's duff it's the same with babies isn't it anyone can have a baby but you can't adopt a baby easily but you can have a baby too much red tape mate

you buy one from Wigan that's a classic thing red tape, mate. You buy one from Wigan. That's a classic thing with babies, isn't it? Just buy one from Wigan. There's a list of the Shiba Inus in Wigan at the minute. There's a litter of what?

Shiba Inus. Do you know Inu just means dog? There's a list of the Shiba dogs. Shibus. I want a Shiba Inu. What's this?

You want a Shiba? Can you get a Shiba Inu? I want a Shiba dog are they the ones that look foxy no s-h-i-b-a they're very s-h-i-b-a yeah inu let's have a look let me see oh it's them ones it's just a japanese dog they're just like little foxes but they're actually dogs it's like a fox had sex with a dog in it yeah yeah it's nice that yeah i want to call him vinnie you want to call everything in your life Vinny? Your dick's called Vinny,

your son's going to be called Vinny, and you're going to have a Shiba Inu, which sounds like a hatchback, called Vinny. I say, you've got the energy for Labradors. I feel like you've got to be a certain type of person to have a Labrador. I feel like that was a backhanded comment.

No, it's a compliment. No, it's because you said Wallace is a shit name. That's why. I haven't forgot that, to be fair. I didn't say Wallace was a shit name.

I just want to clarify. I felt like it was a big name for a small amount of dog. It's ironic. Yeah, is it ironic? It wasn't meant to be, but it is now. Vicky, Ian's right though.

If you were a dog, you'd be a Labrador. A hundred and ten percent. Yeah, like what we're doing next when we're going on me mum's home what a fucking buzz that is what you want

with a dog though really innit you don't want a dog who's like no but you have to have you have to match it's energy if you get the wrong dog

for you you're fucked he's lazy I'm lazy easy it is nice when you see a pensioner who's like hobbling along

and the dog's also a bit fucked. No, it'd be funny if they had like a husky. Pulls an arm off. An 89-year-old with a border collie. I can't entertain him. You've got to match your dog. I'm looking for a dog that exudes confidence but is used to procrastinating.

Sheba? That's perfect. An arrogant ADHD suffering dog. The dog just wakes up like, honestly, there's something wrong with me. I'm not even joking.

Check this paw. I'm going to need a fucking cat scan. Ironically. That's nice that you've adopted. Because in my head, even though I don't want a dog, I like to pretend

that I'd be the kind of person who just walked in and was like, I'll save a dog. How many? Just one. All of them. I'd save them all if I could. But honestly, I don't feel like I quite deserve any like, yeah, I'm not exactly the most self-righteous.

I got the cute puppies from like, you know, the many tears rescue, the dogs trust places. Like I didn't take the old dogs that have been over bred and stuff like that like i i did do a cop out i adopted and i used my platform for good but yeah i'm not exactly deserving of a medal or anything like that they're class dogs and anybody would have took them i think anyone it was like staunchly you should adopt dogs don't get a brand new one, get one of these ones because these need homes and it's sad.

Anyone who's that righteous about it should have to get like a vasectomy or their womb, a hysterectomy because I think... It's really dark, really fast. Don't admit it then. Go on. What?

Go on. If that was your opinion, just keep it to yourself. No, but there's kids that need adopting. Why are kids less valuable than fucking dogs? I thought you meant

dogs. I thought, I missed the kids bit. If you are so into adopting dogs, then you should have a hysterectomy. Yeah, that's what

I'm saying. That's what he said. That's what I'm saying. I think if you are so staunchly against people buying dogs, you should have to

get a hysterectomy or a vasectomy because you shouldn't be allowed to have kids when there's kids that need adopting. No, my theory is if you're allowed to buy one dog, you've got to rescue a hysterectomy or a vasectomy because you shouldn't be allowed to have kids when there's kids that need adopting. No, my theory is if you're allowed to buy one dog, you've got to rescue one.

You can have your fucking Shibu Inu. So when are you adopting two kids then? I'm getting to it. Yep, getting to there. Wigan's the place to go. Yeah, I'm going Wigan. I just want to go home. You're coming home with me now.

Hello, daddy. Fucking hell. Teenagers. Your're coming home with me now. Hello, daddy. Fucking hell. Teenagers. Your house has got so many windows. Is this kid in an orphanage or are you just knocking on doors? Oh, no. Taking the first kid.

Oh, I just went, I just go to Wigan Town Centre and steal a child. I don't want to go with you. I want to go home. Would you have adopted Jack? That was just a joke, Carl. Stop taking everything today at face value. Why are you talking about Jack's? Why are you talking about stealing children? Would you have adopted Jack? It was just a joke, Carl. Stop taking everything today at face value.

Why are you talking about Jacks? Why are you talking about stealing children? Would you have adopted? Like, you know when you wanted babies? Yeah. You would have. Oh, I was all for it. I was all for it.

Yeah, but I wanted international adoption. I want to look like Madonna by the end of it. People are like, oh my God, he's incredible. You look like Madonna. You do look like... He does look a bit like what Madonna looks like now I'd adopt

if we couldn't have kids I would 100% adopt and I wouldn't feel any stigma about it at all really would you rather here's a question

have you got kids in your plans in the future or you don't know or you're not bothered I'm trying to freeze my eggs at the minute are you yeah

here's a question if there was an issue but you didn't know what the issue was would yeah? Yeah. So that's what we're talking about. Here's the question. If there was an issue, but you didn't know what the issue was, would you rather adopt a kid that's completely not yours? Yeah. Or, or buy one. Or get like a sperm donor or an egg donor

so it's like half yours or your partner's. Or like one that's completely not yours. What's like the, what would you rather do? So would you rather, Lauren, have had like a sperm donor and the kid is hers and not yours but you've got to raise her or get one that's

neither of yours completely I don't think it matters yeah I mean it really wouldn't bother me can you pick who you get in what do you mean well it's like

it's like a file of oh they do do that yeah you do yeah oh you can pick their job and their whatever and their height and like you can see if they've got like

a history of cancer in the family like it's fucking sick it's like a catalogue for sperm I'm telling you right now I'd be picking a fucking

dwarf sperm because I'm not having my son towering over me when I'm telling him to clean his room I know I'm going straight

for the NBA fire fucking yeah great my bronze tears that would be amazing expensive that wouldn't it yeah

my bronze tears my bronze tears no but you amazing expensive that wouldn't it my bronze years my bronze years no but you can it's like you can have a choice yeah like

it's the same I know it's silly but it's the same with dogs like you learn a past history of like illnesses and stuff like that so

I I'd rather just get one that's neither of ours I couldn't have that be held over me who's holding it over you? The woman. What?

I've had so many arguments with people. You know what she'll be like. Disagreements about parenting, where like one of you thinks one thing and one of you thinks you're there. She'd definitely be like, well, he's mine anyway, and he's not really yours.

He's fucking LeBron Jizz's. You shouldn't be with her. She sounds like a bitch. That'd be so much hard work. Tidy your room. You're not even me real dad. LeBron James's. It much hard work tidy your room you're not even my real dad Lebron James's it's hard work innit

how many fucking NBA titles have you won Lebron James dad I don't think I really would give a fuck

I would I think if I wanted a baby that much no I think that's a very genuine concern mate like I wouldn't like the

I wouldn't like that in later life you know and you know it's gonna get brought off there's just no way if it was like my egg and not me fella's sperm like that every time I

hadn't had a row I wouldn't be like well I'm going and taking my fucking baby that's who I'd be I'm telling you would you yeah oh I'd be that

knobhead yeah you're not being a knobhead that's what anyone would be like if it was my sperm and another woman's egg I'd be like he's getting a fucking motorbike

because he's my son I don't care if you think they're dangerous you didn't make them that's my sperm this is mine I'm Neil Aquinas' kid it would be difficult

if he was six foot seven and mixed race as well you'd be like listen you I'm your dad it's hard work isn't it no you're not

where's the if I don't if this is too private but where do where do you go to where do babies come from where do

where does the willy go dad Wigan I would love you to ask that where do the actually come from

been married a while can I get a refresh where do the eggs get where do you go where do you I don't even know I can't in Newcastle

yeah no so I mean I imagine they do it all over like because I'm based down south now that's where I'm doing it and it's just like a place called

the London Women's Medical Clinic and they're dead canny had loads of appointments and stuff but is there like a big freezer around the back you have to paint rent literally it's just Iceland out the back London Women's Medical Clinic and they're dead canny. Had loads of appointments and stuff. Is there like a big freezer around the back? You have to paint rent?

Literally, it's just Iceland out the back. No, but is it like a special freezer or is it just like a fucking the bottom half of a smeg fridge? Yeah, I think it's like medical grade.

That's for the jizz. That's the worst. Smeg. That's for the jizz. Isn't that the's the dirty part At the top of your willy Isn't it Oh no

No Vicky I've got No Do you know A smeg blender It's called a smeg bullet Oh no

Genuinely called That needs cleaning out Regularly Don't it That's a horrible bit of mark Put it in the smeg bullet Yeah But yeah You have to pay rent Don't you You have to pay for them To keep it Because we're looking At doing it regularly don't it terrible bit of mark put it in the smeg bully yeah but yeah you have to

pay rent don't you you have to pay for them to keep it because we're looking at doing it and you have to pay every year for them to keep your stuff

so I think you get like 10 years don't you and then afterwards if you haven't used them so to speak then yeah

exactly like you say you have to continue to pay for your space in the freezer like yeah but I'd like

I mean fucking hell if I haven't used them after 10 years I'm fucked I'm 35 now so i couldn't really do much after that yeah yeah i wonder if what happens if they just don't email back do they just turn the fucking freezer off oh no what if there's a power you can tick a box i always think that that says like if you don't use them you can give them to someone else which is how you'd end up with you like jabron what's he called lebron james lebron his eggs or sperms his eggs

whatever he gives i always wondered do the men freeze the sperm so it stays at that like age so what we'd make we'd make we'd take my eggs and we'd take a can sperm and we'd create an embryo which is like what would happen in the woman's uterus anyway so it's kind of essentially like a pre-formed little baby and then wait this really isn't a conversation i thought would be having today by the way i'll give you that every day is a school day um so yes so then you freeze those so the sperms are technically in there you know and if you're a single woman you can just do the eggs and then you know hopefully you'll find a fella and everything will fall together nicely but if not then yeah you're looking so it would be a

child from you at that age wouldn't it that's why you do it i so it my because my eggs would be i'm trying to do it this year so my eggs would be 35 so even if i go and you know decide to do it at 40 41 whatever the egg is exactly baby the egg's still 35 which can they stay in there forever or is there like is there an expiry date on it because like i've got a so a couple of weeks ago i bought some sugar pit bacon and it says on it best before the 3rd of march but if you freeze it oh yeah it's best before febru February next year so you get like

a year on it you get like 11 months do you know what I mean how did you get sugar per bacon into this tell us about your embryos it's interesting that

because I can cook I'm guessing it's like forever yeah surely I think it's a pretty long time yeah because like

it's like a big medical grade fancy face freezer but I don't know I haven't looked into it that extensively if you're a woman you can go on your own and go

listen I want to freeze my eggs is it suspicious if a guy turns up turns up and I want to can I get an embryo for my jizz

yeah I mean is that allowed yeah because you you stay virile your whole life but not no but about

you know like because single women get to a point where they they want to be parents mums and they go

do you know what I'm just going to empower myself and do this I can afford to have this baby on my own if you turn up as a bloke

and be like I want a strong oh shit I don't know I don't know I don't know if, I don't know. I don't know the rules around that. I mean, legally,

I suppose, in terms of equality. So I want a baby, I've got one half, can I have two other half? Surely you can. Oh, I just don't know how that works.

Not that I'm being sexist, I just don't know. I thought what you were going to ask. Can you get a surrogate? Is that not what you'd do? Well, that's if you've got like a, if you're in like a sort of,

if you're in a same sex relationship with fellas, like I've got one of my hairdressers, he's got a surrogate now. So I know it can be done if you're in like a healthy, happy relationship, but if you're just a weird

fucking single man. Oh yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I thought what you were going to ask is, can you just go and put your stuff in the freezer? But you don't need to do that. Do you know what I mean?

No. You can't just be a man and walk in and go I've got some cum can I put it in your fridge because you don't need to do that because your cum

is still potent way into your 90s no but it's less potent it degrades that's what I mean does it yeah of course it does I don't know why

I've not been asked for some jizz at this point who else well if they've got Lebron James and like neuroscientists they haven't got

comedians podcasters, and I look like Madonna. Oh, I bet your DMs will be full of it after this. I don't know if it does get less popular than Dez O'Connor. I had a baby when he was like 92. I thought you were going to say, Dez O'Connor was in the giz file. LeBron James, Dez O'Connor.

Hey, I'm going Dez O'Connor. There are all the options. We had a power outage last week we've lost a lot of jizz I think you lose a little bit of virility you stay virile

but it's not always like as you get older you get more chump you would take Dez O'Connor's jizz though talented man and what a tan he was an all rounder

wasn't he yes singer, dancer he was an all rounder TV presenter comedian, singer dancer always looked like

he just got back from Mallorca. Lovely fella. They always, all the comedians from back in the day had to do a little bit. They'd come from a different era, hadn't they? They'd have to have a song. Yeah. I would love it if in British comedy,

it was the norm that at the end of your special, you had to be like, yeah, that's the end of it. Like the end of Juicy. You know? Yeah, and that's the end. Fly me to the moon. Fuck it, bro. Have I never told you about the fella on the train

when I was coming back from Manchester? Have I told you about this? Perhaps. So I was just sat, and I'd had like a really good gig doing like a tryouts at the comedy store. Oh, I did. And the fella goes to me, he goes,

it's just like an old fella sat there, and I think I was on the phone to me dad going like, I can't remember, but I was like, oh, yeah, the show, whatever, whatever. He goes, so and I think I was on the phone to my dad going like I can't remember but I was like oh yeah the show he goes so what's this show you're on the phone there lads

what's the show you've done I went I'm a comedian mate I've just done a gig in Manchester he goes oh right nice comedian

young enough to tell strangers I'm a comedian he's like yeah yeah great yeah sounds oh comedian oh nice nice

he's silent for about a minute and then he goes so can you you're singing and dancing now do you want to sing and dance as well and I went no no just comedy

and he went you'll never make it but you wouldn't have who was the who was the I can't think of his name BBC Bruce Forsyth

he was one of them yeah but was he funny though I thought I'd nailed it there go back and watch old Bruce Forsyth he was one of them yeah but was he funny though I thought I'd nailed it there go back and watch old Bruce Forsyth he was a fucking Les Dawson was one of the funniest

comedians yeah who what yeah like someone would come like come on down say it was like a larger lady

like oh look at this like it was all and that's not an exaggeration of course it's not an exaggeration how could that possibly be an exaggeration oh look at this and I'm not an exaggeration of course it's not an exaggeration how could that possibly be an exaggeration oh look at this

and I'm not exaggerating he does a joke do you remember Lisa Riley she was the host of You've Been Framed she was in Emmerdale oh she was in Emmerdale yeah he was like

oh I got Lisa Riley's dressing room today you can tell because the doors are wider and I was like ha ha ha it's just like prime time ain't it

yeah and then as someone else is coming down he goes fat bitch into the microphone on the telly the doors are wider. And I was like, ha ha ha ha. It's like primetime ITV. Yeah. And then as someone else is coming down, he goes, fat bitch, into the microphone on the telly. It's mad,

fat bitch. Stuff he got away with. Honestly, someone was walking down the stairs and he went, oh, look at this.

Come on down. He's like, that's gay shit. He's wearing a nail. Look at this gay shit. Do you know why they know this, Vicky?

It's fucking mad. Do you know why they know this? Like, then he got away with it. That's what it does. Because in the breaks, if they're left in control of the TV,

we start watching fucking supermarket sweep, family fortunes, and honestly, it never gets put on if it was recorded after 1994. No, they're horrible. And the woman's legs are... Have you ever seen that little clip of where Dale Whitten gets caught slagging someone off

because they're getting the wrong stuff? No. It's like, you know, they got a clue and it was like, you've got to go and find this. off because they're getting like the wrong stuff it's like you know they got a clue and it was like you gotta go and find this and the woman went marmalade but it

was jam and literally there's a video on YouTube you can watch it later Dale Winton he's just caught going you fucking daft cunt

no he's not he is you're full of shit I'm not honestly it's insane someone

it's all on YouTube they were that was on like nine o'clock in the morning on ITV Dale Winton called some woman a daft cunt

because she got jam and marmalade mixed up. I thought he looked like... Different time. Different time. Early 90s, you could call people daft cunts because all the kids were at school. Bullshit. Oh, my God.

Oh, is that the bullshit bell? It's true, though. Honestly, they were mad. And they used to just grab people by the neck right i'm googling this because these are all getting on me tits right let's have a look dale winton calls someone a cunt we got to this really quickly from freezing embryos it asked if i need help. I fucking think so.

So he'll have said something snide like oh god look at the size of you or something. You're just assuming though I've had no proof. No we haven't got the time right now. In the second section I will show you hard evidence. The Dale Whitten one's very famous. It was on the night back in the day.

There was nothing on my Google. Yeah because it's, he's part of the, he's part of the group that controls the media. Oh, you know what I mean? Isn't he?

Yeah, yes. From beyond the grave. That's how powerful he is. That's why we're slagging him off. Because we were all came out after he died. I'm just saying,

90s presenters were fucking dodgy they're powerful weren't they yeah because they controlled everything didn't they they did though

you're not getting a job in show business if I say you don't and people go okay I mean it's famous I thought people

used to go on to 90s game shows for it as well to get a job in show business I hope this leads to me hosting the big break it's Jim Davidson game shows for as well to get a job in show business. Wow! I hope this leads to me hosting the big break. It's Jim Davidson.

John Bogle. Is it weird when you come on something like this compared to when you do TV? Because I feel like this last five minutes has just summed up perfectly. We are the wild west

of entertainment, aren't we? I feel like my PR just gets so nervous before I come on here. Like, I've stopped telling him I'm coming.

It just, it fucking just ages him, bless him. He's a nice lad, so I just don't tell him anymore. I do love that though. Yeah. It's so funny that there's people, because this is getting I do love that though yeah it's so funny

that there's people because this is getting bigger and bigger we've had comedians say it recently haven't like oh I want to come on but

we were talking to Chris Ramsey oh I love Chris so Chris was Chris texted me and was like can I come on soon like our new TV show

is going up want to come and and stuff and he was like absolutely come on and at the comedy awards he was like did he regret his offer he was like no he was like absolutely come on and at the comedy awards he was like did you regret these offers

he was like no he was like I've spoke to like my manager and that and it's just you know you can drag me to waters that I'm not allowed to be in and we just need to make sure

that doesn't happen yeah it's so easily done though like I think in a podcast sort of environment full stop you relax

because it's not like all singing all dancing like tv is you know you don't feel that pressure you do sort of just chill out but here we use like I feel like I'm in somebody's fucking kitchen at 4am and I just get weird really like really fast so yeah I can understand it Chris's horse would fucking see BBC or something, can he? What's the Children in Need one?

Is he doing Children in Need? Chris hosts that now. He's going very, and we can talk about it. These are people we know and like, but like Jason Manford and Chris and there's a way in comedy to go like, oh, you want to go the Netflix specials route

and be like, oh, more like one of the American comics. And then there's the Saturday night option in there which Jason Manford definitely is and Chris Ramsey is starting to get towards and then

that 4am in a kitchen banter doesn't match up perfectly does it we've got that lockdown though the 4am kitchen he's a really good

guy is Chris Ramsey and Shagmarid annoyed is massively popular you're not seeing that clip of him on Strictly though where he calls

Bruno Tonlioli a cunt he just booted a toddler just under his mic like line goes six and he goes oh fucking golden cunt man very famous clip

it was on at all he's on the night very famous he's going on Strictly by the way I can't wait for it I can't wait for the offers to come in

I can't wait for you to be on and your shoulder dislocates live does that do that yeah my shoulder dislocated a couple of weeks ago

at 10 o'clock in the morning in a hot tub in a spa because I was reaching behind me for me champagne Taylor's all the time that's like

that fella off what's that show oh Lethal Weapon he does it show the film yeah

yeah Griggs yeah he does that he's like banging it on the wall to go fuck him yeah

I just need a gas in here that's quite sexy oh you need a gas in here it's not sexy it's not sexy I've got to be honest with you it isn't sexy when it happens to me

and I don't want to ruin it for you I don't think Mel Gibson was a method actor I don't think it actually came out and that's not a real representation of what it's like it's not sexy they had to shut the jacuzzi.

Vicky, I had to break into his house and put his underpants on. Oh, babe. You're such a good friend, aren't you? I had to put his underpants on. It dislocated in me sleep. And him and Joe Paul... Babes, what are you doing, man? Like, I sleep to dislocate your schlunz.

I just sleep a bit weird. I sleep with my arm behind my head. And his eyes open. Sleaze lies. Sexy! Yeah, sleep to dislocate your shoulder. I just sleep a bit weird. I sleep with my arm behind my head because it's comfy. And his eyes open. Sleepless. Sexy. Even sleep sexy. I sleep like this in case I get like a sexy burglar come in.

It's out of the mood. Takes her, do you know what I mean? I'm just like, ready. Have you come here to steal my heart? Oh, God. Yeah, Carl and Joe Paul Smith, comedian. No. Ginger Lad from the Pill. Do you know her? do you know Paul Smith, comedian? No. Ginger lad from the Pilgrim's Hour.

Do I know his bird? Yeah. I do. Yeah. That's so funny. Hiya, Paul. You just got spanked there, mate. Paul Smith and Carl had to break in my house

because my shoulder dislocated in my sleep. I slept naked that night. So Carl had to put undies on me because the ambulance was on the way. I can still feel the warmth on the back in my sleep. I slept naked that night. So Carl had to put undies on me because the ambulance was on the way. I can still feel the warmth on the back of my hand. It's a warm area. When you pull on the... I was like, oh, it's warm.

I've got radioactive bollocks. So have you seen his willy then? It was under the... I've seen it before, but this was under the blanket. Does it look like the... I didn't really think to look properly. Does this look like a dildo in the future?

You've missed a trick there I have missed the trick I've seen is a wrecked penis that is impressive as he makes out I wasn't impressed I've only seen your penis once and it was erect why was it erect when you saw it tell the fucking story you can't say that you've seen his erect penis I was having sex with a girl on my dad's bed and Carl was trying to wind me up so he kept knocking on my dad's door I was bladdered

with his little brother his little brother's of age by the way he kept knocking on the door. So eventually I got wound up and I just opened the door with me cock hard. Took it out the lady and I went to, you know. Like he answered the door like that. That's good, haven't you?

She wasn't still on it when you answered the door. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only time I've seen her. Did you then go, this isn't fun anymore and go to bed more things happen eventually yeah we don't need to go into it again we have told this story before but yeah they kept knocking on the door and i just kept shouting fuck off yeah and in the end the girl was like just go to the door so i was like fine so you know i

undocked it i went to the door opened it and they're like what the fuck are you doing i'm like how am i the bad guy in this situation yeah that was fun though that was just genuinely that was a tuesday morning wasn't it see this is why Chris Ramsey shouldn't come here yeah I broke my dad's bed that night you did did you I know that

oh oh but his shoulder stayed in that's the nice bit broke bed that's a fucking win never been

naked mates oh no yeah I suppose when you're growing up i don't get in some mates are like yeah not asked just you know like oh but that's a thing like you either grow up in like a naked house i think it's different for guys and girls as well yeah yeah but the same same like some girls are just like oh i grew up in a naked house like i walk around like this this is fine and then some people are like fuck and put yourself away like i'm the latter i didn't grow up in a naked house but like i've got like some lasses in the gym man just walk around the changing rooms who have blow drying their fucking pubes and that like with the hair the public hair dryer like they honestly just don't fuck off oh babe i swear to god it's always like mad posh birds as well you imagine walking in to the open changing rooms

and there's some fella just there like what what no blow women blow drying their pubes in a public hair dryer like you make like it's not like a handheld. It's like, you know, when you're in fucking... Fuck off. A hand dryer. Dyson Airblade? No. Where are the legs? No, that's the ones

where you go in. Are you struggling? I'm not going in. I'm just like... AI, is it you doing? Right. No, there's not. There's always people

in the gym changing room who are just like, absolutely, it's the old guys. I'm not blow drying the bollocks on the air. I swear to God, there are some people in the gym change room who are just like absolute it's the old guys I'm not blowing down the bollocks on the edge I swear to god there are some people

who are so naked they just wander around and you're like dude come on do you knock it naked do you get in your own little no but yeah

I just do you've got the decency to be like I just face a locker I don't then go oh shit do you know what I need on the other side

of the change room and just have a naked wander fucking flip-flopping there's two sides isn't there of it I'm more of a Heidi Oh shit, do you know what I need? On the other side of the change room and just have a naked wander. Fucking flip-flopping. There's two sides, isn't there, of it? I'm more of a Heidi. Yeah, I just turn away and do the pants. That's fine.

That's totally normal. You don't have to go in a fucking disabled cubicle just to hide your little knob. Speak for yourself. You know, I have done. But it's the guys who are just, there's just too much freedom with the, just the wandering. I do wish I had the confidence of the men who do that, there's just too much freedom with the, just the wandering.

I do wish I had the confidence of the men who do that, who have a tiny willy. The little knobbed men who just have it out and they're just like, this is me knob and I don't give a fuck. That is true. Self-confidence in it. If they're saying that as well,

then fair play to them. When we did gigs for the forces, we used to go over to Cyprus as they were coming back from afghanistan we used to come back and they used to have a day where they'd have a show they'd fuck around the beach and they'd have a show yeah and uh these shows were famous like two comedians and a bit of music and uh one of them shouted naked bar and they all all of their squadron or whatever just all stripped off off and just ran onto the stage.

And I looked behind me, you can't be like, what is everyone doing? Because then they've won. So you just have to just go like, cool, this is just going to let this happen. And I looked behind me and there was a guy windmilling with something that could have honestly had him take off.

It was unbelievable. The slapping sound was unbelievable. And then I looked to my right and there was a guy with the smallest little knob. Was it you? Just trying to do the same. Just trying to do the little windmill. Fantastic.

Bold. Comedian's like, okay, I'll play. Bless him. I felt, I'm so proud of him. Yeah, good for him. It's easy to try and windmill naked in front of everyone when you've got a fucking eight inch dick. That guy the hero there yeah little nubbit just going like this you know i'm quite surprised that like there's i don't know whether this is inbuilt sexism in me

but in women's changing rooms i just assumed you would all walk around naked and pillows. Yeah, we'll fit in. No, but like, my girlfriend's happy. Necking on and that. Yeah, in my head, that's what happens. Oh, it's a lovely place to be in your house. It is if you make.

In your fucking day of life. No, we love each other's boobs, don't you? And like, girls are like, oh yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, he'd never go, look at me knobbing. You've watched too much porn, babe. No, my partner with her friends are like,

oh yeah, I've seen their boobs and I've seen them all fully naked many times. Vicky, just pull the mic a little bit closer to you. So sorry, you've watched too much porn. No, my partner with her friends are like, oh yeah, I've seen their boobs and I've seen them all fully naked many times. Vicky, just pull the mic a little bit closer to you. So sorry, you've watched too much porn. No, this is true. Girls are more comfortable with each other's bodies than men are.

Put it that way. Oh, I don't know. Maybe my mates are a bit laddy then in that respect. Probably wouldn't surprise anybody, but I fucking never touched any of my pal's boobs. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with it. Even probably fine with it and if I never do even the ones

that have gotten done because I find sometimes I've had mine done and I've never asked any of my mates to like have a feel alright I just feel like

it's mad mate like no I don't know if I had my cock done I'd have you having a feel if I had my cock done I'd be like Carl

come on feel the weight of this can you get your cock done can you get my cock done, I'd have you having a feel of it. If I had my cock done, I'd be like, Carl, come on, I'm feeling a way to this. Can you get your cock done? Can you get your cock done? In Turkey? No, in Turkey. You get Denmark there. No, like Turkey teeth.

Yeah. You get Denmark there. Honestly. They use like a luncheon meat. Right. Is this like the Dale Whinton calling people cunts thing? No, get it on YouTube. No, it's called penoplasty.

Yeah, there you go how much is it 10-15 grand you'd want to show someone for 15 grand wouldn't you yeah I don't know

depends on the results doesn't it 5,300 for penis enlargement surgery or you can get filler Dan why don't you

get some filler in your dick is it a girth issue for you it's a confidence issue just recently since we started this conversation it's length and girth it's a really well proportioned small penis honestly dan's gonna look like strawberry laces a A lot of people have said to me, what a really well-proportioned two-third size penis.

It's not like a fucking little stubby can of Coca-Cola. With the surgery. How am I going to justify to that? Laura's like, we should pay the mortgage off. I get it. We've been married seven years. I think what I need is dick filler. With the surgery, so this isn't the filler,

the surgery, you can add't the filler, the surgery, you can add one and a half to two and a half inches. Not a lot. To four. For five yards. That is a lot percentage wise. Think about that. An inch and a half.

What the? No. I don't know inches. An inch and a half. Oh, great. I've got an eight inch dick. That's about an inch and a half. Is it?

Oh, then. No. Oh, no, Adam. That's about four. and a half. Is it? Oh, then. No. Oh, no, Adam. That's about four. Is it? Yeah. Two and a half, I mean, yeah. That's not a lot for five girls.

I was going to say. I'd want like 15 inches. What would you do as a lady? If you met, if you were single. Yeah. You know. And a guy was like, listen, before we get intimate, I've got something to tell you. Yeah yeah i've had a penoplasty i wouldn't be bothered as long as he was happy i'd be upset

that he felt the need to do it i think yeah because like i feel like you know big dicks small dicks whatever box yeah carl's been on fire today oh god but willies are willies you know and i just feel like as long as someone knows what they're doing with them i'm not really bothered about the size yeah yeah so you know where to put it and move and that movement oh it matters no it's like Bob and Weave like Stanley Matthews isn't it

oh your girlfriend's so lucky she is a very lucky woman and I'm a lucky man he's very he's very lovey-dovey with her online

is he Laura commented she was like oh god Carl's so nice with Sarah Caron yeah and Clive Storrs and I felt like

she said it I felt like she said it as in yeah hi 12 years in as well mate 12 years of slave

12 years of love okay I was gonna do a joke but straight in um yeah let's have a break isn't he so romantic

he's you know he's a lovely boy could you just send me the link for the penoplasty there we go well I mean watching you try and Could you just send me the link for the penoplasty? There we go. Well, I mean, watching you try and yawn your deafness away is something I'm glad I didn't see face on.

Because you look like you're... Let it go! Let it go! Go on, son, you'll get there. And then you'll just get that really satisfying squeak out. Oh, my God god I can't wait Such a good feeling Fuck sex

Let's just do me fucking head Listen I'm not trying to annoy you I am But earbuds They're not meant for your ears What do you mean babs If you get it far enough in

It's going to pop something No Yeah Eardrum Yeah You're meant to stop When you hit resistance With them mate

You've been sticking them right in because the pants are so long I hear a little tapping it's just air isn't it there's something wrong with it

that's all I know I went for the steam this morning not unwaked what if Carl if you close your mouth and Carl puts his mouth over your nose

and then blows I've bought one of those nose balloons yeah I'd have ignored that as well we've tried that before with you remember yeah puts his mouth over your nose and then blows. I've bought one of those nose balloons. Yeah, I'd have ignored that as well. We've tried that before with you, remember? Yeah.

Babe, have you... I know this is stupid. Was his dick out at the time? No. It was on the studio. Oh, oh God. Oh, oh no. Oh, Adam, please don't die on pod. No, no.

Imagine if he just... Was that good? That was helping. Oh. No. Oh God. Oh God. If you're going to die...

Oh, God. Oh, go on. Mine took a month and it was both ears. Did you? If this was in both ears, I would have had to just not do the show. Yeah, I just happened to hide my headphones up. Advice.

Hit me. Now, Adam gives great advice and that's a myth that we've been pushing for a long time I'm very much a do as I say not as I do

kind of guy fair enough do as I say I'm gonna do if people if people live their life the way I say I'm gonna live mine

they would be intelligent well-rounded people in prison what? in prison yeah they'd get time to read I think you give a good advice though every time you've been

on there's been some sage fucking words oh yeah yeah yeah i just think i provide a female's perspective which is probably slightly more i can do that as well though because i know women do you know what i mean oh do you yeah it's international women's day out there isn't it what international women's Day today. It is International Women's Day. And I knew that. You love international women. I like local women. From round here.

Let's do some advice. Shane Beale says... Shane what? Shane Beale. Shane Beale. Brother of his cousin. Oh, cousin. Do you know why

is no one taking me up on this if they make up a name I'll read the name I feel like I'm not getting more I need more out of it Shane Beale says hi lads and Vicky Patterson

he knew you were coming on I'm after some advice I'm 20 I'm fucking so gullible oh what a refreshing drink of sneak oh god what flavour is that then?

well that's actually I got it from a smeg freezer oh no what's a freezer smeg or that's the blank that's corn flavoured it's labran flavoured

no I went Des O'Connor he's been a busy lad hasn't he that's what killed him sneak LeBron favorite. No, I went Des O'Connor. He's been a busy lad, hasn't he? That's what killed him. Sneak. Do you like energy? Steese. No, no, no.

Let me do it properly. Sneak. Lemon Blizzard. Use code word 10. Me is starting to crack a little bit. Oh, that's good. You should try sneak. There you go. I think that was subtle.

Yeah, so great. So are you sponsored by them as well as the dicks? Yeah. Love Honey. Yeah, yeah. They send us the dicks. Love Honey and sneak. No, I only realised yesterday that Love Honey means like jizz.

Oh, does it? You know what I mean? Like I've given you me love honey i had no idea either yeah i thought it was like love honey no no it's like i've my love because i'm about to love honey that's just beans in it i love honey oh it's jizz uh shane bill says hi lads i'm vicky patterson i'm after some advice i'm 23 oh should we get sad song i'm 23 and over the last year or so i've really noticed my hair at the front getting thinner while the back is not doing any better to the point i've got no air this isn't me

i've got all to the point my next haircut will have to be a style change in order to hide it instead of a quiff we'll be having it down and push forward of course this is making me panic looking for answers to solve it and it generally making me feel so low about myself i have hair currently but at this rate i won't have it for many years more at least like this anyway so what do i do i'm honestly scared my partner might leave me i've looked into the drugs i've looked into the drugs you can take but the side effects are wild the more safe one I might try laughing face

but even that is worrying I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but I'm panicking please help and that's from old baldy Shane Beals wigs

wigs yes oh you can do fantastic stuff for wigs these days exactly my pal's got one right who shall remain nameless, but he literally is such a handsome fella,

and they just, like, shave the top of your head like a monk, like, in case there's anything there, and then they stick it on, and then they style it, like, as if it's your actual hair, and honestly, you'd never know it's fucking class. Like this one? Oh, not like that one. Give us this.

This is yours, Adam. I know. But it's so realistic. Can I get a link for that? Yeah, I'll send you a link. Discount code Vicky10. I mean, they have come a long way, but I honestly feel like that glued on thing,

my brother-in-law's got one. He'll have a net on her. And I think that's last, last resort. Yeah. Are we saying that that's where it's going? Some people look good bald. You look good bald. Jason Statham also looks really good bald.

Paul looks great bald. Some people suit it. So just lean into it. Who's that football fella who looks lovely bald and all? Who's that? Well, it's the one with the bald head. Andy Johnson. Yeah, I think.

Titus Bramble. Oh, there you go. You're looking haily off-lost. Who did you... The biggest goth ever. Why are you so much a goth? That changes so much. Shane, it's not often we give visual advice,

but there you go. Yeah, audio. For the audio listener. I'll just fix the fringe a little bit. Fix your fringe? Because that's the issue, yeah. Shania Twain, man, I feel like a fucking bloke. Oh no, stop doing that. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Let's go, girls. Let's go, girls. Why would they change your voice? Oh no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. It looks so real. It's the sage expression for me. My name is Melanie.

Because your dad's the size of a melon. Hi, Melanie. Hiya. My name is more like a Stephanie. Hello. Hello, my name is Stephanie. Oh, Melanie Stephanie. I know how sexy I am because my name is Stephanie. Oh, Melanie Stephanie. Tell you now how sexy I am because my name's got a Fanny in it.

I nearly went Mel Fanny then. Steve Fanny. No, it's Steve. Stephanie. Oh, sorry, Stephanie. Hang on. Are you now a woman? What do you mean?

I don't know what's changed. You put a wig on and you're a different person. It's 2023. No, no, I'm asking. It can be anything's changed you put a wig on and you're a different person it's 2023 no no I'm asking it can be anything can you put it on Dan I think weirdly Dan's going to suit this yeah he will

thank you babe I'm taking that home take the hat it's yours what for there's a black one as well let's go girls you look like a middle aged woman

You go to Slim and Wild and me There you go Now I'm a lesbian And now you look like a hairy biker Yeah what about Oh my god That's such a good show No it's too far back

pull it forward no it's my style no babe pull it forward get your video up babe pull it forward for the love of god are you sure

yeah how far forward like no that give us some forehead Dan can you see that on the telly no it's still your phone oh is it

sorry getting homer right so what we're saying is Shane you can't wear that it looks too weird there you are

because Adam wants to use it later what's your feeling about and I'm not I'm so far past giving a shit I went bald at 23

whipped it off and I've never grown it back I'm alright with it I wear a hat on the pod because it looks terrible if I don't. It doesn't look terrible? That looks fucking awful.

I look like a German techno DJ like, yeah, let's drop the beats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's going off for the ugly girl called Stephanie. You do look like a German techno DJ if you say all of that. That adds to it. that adds to the character what's your feeling about bald?

have you ever been bald? is it something you should just own? it's different if women go bald are you asking me how I'd feel if I was bald? no, for Shane he needs a bit of advice so I feel like loads of hair

totally bald either extreme is not it doesn't matter to me at all i kind of feel like it gets to be a little bit of a gray area when you're you're going there and you're trying to hide it that's the problem yeah that's and i can understand what he's going through like he's so young potentially none of his mates are but yeah like i just think you've got to own it like it's like with anything. So the comb-overs that don't work, like trying to hide it, these different hairstyles, like it's all just,

it's all just a little bit shit, isn't it? Like either shave it off, totally embrace it. You might find like you fucking suit it. Or if you've got like a weird shaped head or something or a birthmark where you don't want to have one and it isn't for you, then do the like, do the wig thing. Like, not like Stephanie there.

I mean, like- You've got to have to have honestly as if you've got mates and you get a fucking wig glued on yeah you are gonna have to ride out a good five years of piss take before everyone gets bored of it if i went bald i'm going to take it would you do the full hair transplant thing yeah yeah honestly they're meant to be so good but Wayne Rooney had some like four didn't he before a tuck like it's not always

like gold straight away and also I'm saving up for a penoplasty so do it at the same time they might do a bog off are you yeah

buy a cock get a wig free it's like you buy a cock you get a wig free right now if you ever cock you man I'll give you a wig absolutely free.

It's a great Turkish accent. Reminds me of my eldest son. Do you get it from the back of your legs, like your arse? What, boobs? That's where they get the air from. Is it? Yeah.

No. Yeah. Is your arse that hairy? No, like the back of your thighs. No, like they get the... The follicles. The follicles from there. They don't just shave

the back of your legs and stick it on here you go Wayne let's hope that takes it fucking stinks loads of people are doing their hair transplants now as well aren't they

I'd be there honestly the second I thought there was a chance it was going I'd be gone me barber has reassured me

that it's not going to happen to me he's like there's already been a couple of signs. Yeah. A 31, you're going to be signed. Yeah, I think you've got a fantastic head of hair. Erkan's dad's like bald as a billiard ball, you know?

What? Erkan's dad. It's never been said before. Can we have a translator on that? What was that again? Erkan's dad's bald as a billiard ball. Bald as a billiard ball bald as a billiard ball right okay

there was too many L's in that do you know what I mean is that not how you say that you know what the baldness doesn't come from your dad though it comes from your mum's dad

it comes from your mum's side really your mum's dad your mum's side on the male though like your mum's dad so your grandad on your mum's side yeah you don't get your hair from your nan

you never know you never know that's mine it's gone blue yeah Don't get your hair from your nan. You never know. You never know. That's mine. It's gone blue. Yeah, my granddad. Bless him. Absolute bald as fuck.

And when we were at school, I used to take the piss out of my mate whose dad was bald. He'd be like, are you going to go bald? It was me. The comb over is the problem in it. Don't be that guy. Just don't.

Either own it, but don't fucking wax down a cat wig. Did you do a come over ever? No. What did you try? Did you try salvaging it? I was still spiking until the realisation hit.

You look like, what's his name from Prodigy? Keith Flint. Keith Flint. Looked a bit like him, didn't you? I mean, I'd seen the photo of him with his spiky blonde hair. Yeah.

It's bad. It's very low res though. It's pretty bad. I don't know if you look like him.'t you have you not seen the photo of him with his spiky blonde hair yeah it's bad it's very low res though it's pretty bad I don't know I'll get it and I'll put it on there I I why is it

I've got it saved just back it on yeah I I was still spiking so were you a bit in denial I just didn't I just

I just sort of didn't know I just didn't I just didn't I just sort of didn't know I just it was stupid another comedian at a comedy night we were doing a bit of piss take and someone shouted

just accept you're going bald and it and it was which is from a comedian to a comedian is absolutely acceptable yeah yeah but I remember going

what and then I actually looked at it and I was like it's absolutely obvious. I think it's gone off Google. I know. There it is. Get it off because it's not letting me... Is that working?

No, you need to get it off Carl's phone. Twisted Firestarter. I haven't got the remote. I haven't got the remote. You took the remote off me. Borderline. Oh my God. I know. I've got a good arm. It's on Virile. Listen, it was just a young

beautiful lad who had spiky hair you look older there right I'm sick of this pod getting slowed down by fucking waiting for pictures yeah just keep going

Shane Beals don't do a comb over there you go there it is oh fuck me Dan honestly I would have done no it's so much

I lived in Newcastle did you yeah Jasmine Lake ye you fancy pants I know no it's so much better now that you've just owned it I love you bald

I think it's class it's fine isn't it Shane should be bald as well if he wants to be oh there is this thing you can get called PRP and I've had it done actually

because yeah because I had loads of hair extensions in for years and like when I was younger I was a bit of a terror. And I used to fight in nightclubs and that. And lasses used to pull my hair out. No! Like, cockfighting!

On the boat. On the tuxedo princess. On the revolving dance floor. She's come to defend her title it's Vicky the Viking Patterson Ian Stirling's doing the voiceover that was so Ian Stirling so you've had to have PRP

did you get a nice payout no so obviously I was left with like patches and stuff which was just awful and when I, so obviously I was left with like patches and stuff, which was just awful. And when I sort of decided I was trying to be a bit nicer and evolved and a bit more grown up, I had to go and get that. So they take blood out of your arm

and then they whiz it round in like this whizzy machine. Yeah. A smeg bully. But then they take it out and then it basically separates the blood from the protein in your blood and then they re-inject

the protein directly into like the patches of your head that are affected no you can get like protein shakes and that's just from like the shop

yeah but it's called directly into the sauce get a chocomel around you chocomel is this another promo for sneak right lads if

if I yeah drink sneak and you'll grow a full head of hair is that right Steve that's illegal that if I

buy one of these high end and get it glued on to pay will you promise not to take the mickey you won't even mention it yeah

when you have that goatee you'll notice it I think right Finn could you find me one we'll put it on the business card right

are you going to BMX you'll get a fucking another pleasant day I'd look so cool and fucking win this is from anonymous anonymous advice

got a weird one here that makes me look proper tight but it's my missus birthday coming up, and she's asking for a load of different things. Makeup, an Apple Watch,

and also wants a weekend away as part of the presents. But right now, it looks like I'm going to be out about 1,200 quid. This is the pisser. She honestly spent less than 100 quid on me. Maybe a bit more, but not loads. We earn about the same money as well. It's not like I'm minted and she's skint. What should I do here?

Tell her to fuck off! Is this just boyfriend tax? well. It's not like I'm minted and she's skin. What should I do here? Tell her to fuck off. Is this just boyfriend tax? No, it's not. It's your missus being a greedy fucking cunt. Ask him for it. It's mad, isn't it? Shut up.

Now, leave her. It's just a day of love. This isn't very International Women's Day, is it? If it's International Women's, you don't get presents for International Women's Day.

You get rights and she's got the right to fuck off. They get rights. You get more rights. Only today do you get presents. You get one day. No, it's mad ass.

No, we do. We do. Birthday, we ask, we go, I'd like this. No, but like, I want this, this and this. That's a bit like, oh, I'd like an Apple Watch or like, I want to go away and I and this. That's a bit like, oh, I'd like an Apple Watch.

Or like, I want to go away and I want this. That's a bit mad, isn't it? If he's nice enough to do it, yeah, but don't ask. What's your thoughts on this, Vicky? Could you just get the mic closer? There you go. Oh, controversially. I agree with Adam.

And where we go? I feel like feminism just took such a huge step back like as those words left me mouth oh but this is equality well i just think like in a relationship things should be equal and like you should match each other's energies otherwise it just breeds absolute resentment like i i don't care whether like your wife works or you work or whatever but everything should be matched, you know? And I think if she spent a hundred pound, he should spend a hundred pound.

If she spent 1200, he should spend 1200. And like, I think it's a bit, it's audacious, isn't it? Like to demand things like that in this day and age. She's an absolute gobshite. I think it's a bad sign of things to come. It's a bit different when you're married because Laura's like not working to raise our kids. So I can't be like, well, where's, I've spent things to come it's a bit different when you're married because laura laura's like not working to raise our kids so i can't be like well where's i've spent this much

where's my like there is a bit of a change when you're a bit further down the line but if you are if this is in the first two years of relationship this looks like it's going to be not just this year that's going to be expensive but at least here back into the wild my friend you'll have a much nicer life. She doesn't deserve anything. Or teach her a lesson and just go spend £10 on boots, number five, make up. Yeah.

Get her a nice little Casio 1295 from Argos and just book a weekend in real. Stay at Finn's house. Ooh. I always spend more, but I'm unexpected. When she gets to something, I'm like, oh, I've spent a little bit more,

but that's fine. I'm never like, well, you should match it. Yeah. If I've spent more, but like, I'm going to expect, like, once you get to something like, oh, I've spent a little bit more, but that's fine. I'm never like, well, you should match it. Yeah. Like, if I've spent more, that's my choice.

I don't go, well, I want this much spending on me. Yeah. That's fucking insane. If you want to get in all that stuff, Sam, if you want to be that guy,

if that's how you, like, and you're going to go, look, I don't expect this back, but I wanted to spoil you. I'm quite overly generous, especially like in a relationship,

like, with like getting people stuff, but you can't just do that. She's just a bit of a walking red flag, no? Yeah. Yes. I think she sounds quite toxic. Is it early doors, did he say?

Yeah. He didn't really say, but it's girlfriend. I don't know, he said Mrs. I don't know. I just think it's a is oh no he says Mrs I don't know I just think it's a bit weird to demand it I want this this and this if he's nice

it's not unheard of though Carl this is not that I'm I'm sure he's not the only person to I thought

I would think I would like drop the hint or we should go there they'll be like I want this I want this I want that

like fuck off do you know what I'd do I'd break up with her on her birthday in the card she's yeah I feel like

that's a bit harsh wearing an Apple watch yeah oh you could have had this do you know what do you know what time it is I'd turn up holding an Apple watch

what's she asked for tell me what she asked for make up make up yeah weekend away an Apple watch and a weekend away

okay so I'd I'd turn up with the weekend away, like booked, right? And with an Apple watch in my hand and I'd give her a card

and go read that first and it'd be like, I'm leaving you. You're a greedy cunt. You don't deserve it. And then I'd put the Apple watch on. I'd bring a taxi to the airport.

On the watch? Yeah. That's what I can do. And I'd go on holiday on my own. At the end of the card, happy International Women's Day. She's giving Veruca Salt energy. Yeah.

And I feel like we need to just chuck her to the Oompa Loompas. Veruca Salt was the one that got everything she wanted and she wanted squirrel. She wanted a golden egg. She want, didn't she want,

yeah. Golden egg. Didn't she want to eat the chewing gum or something or the golden egg? That was not violent. She was one of them who fucked it. Wasn't she? Yeah. She got egg. Didn't she want to eat the chewing gum or something? Or the golden egg? Anyway, she was a right cunt. She was one of them who fucked her. Wasn't she?

Yeah. She got fed to the Oompa Loompas and it was what she deserved. So, fuck her off the moon. Feed us some Oompa Loompas. Feed us some Oompa Loompas. Hey, if you want to watch the shit film, the Johnny Depp remake of Charlie and the Chimney.

I love that. I don't mind it. It's so bad. Is it? They've got a Mexican little person and photocopied him for all the Oompa Loompas. And it's a lot to watch. It's a lot.

There is a little Mexican dude playing 17,000 parts at the same time and dancing. Like the clumps. I don't mind that one. The old one's too old. The CGI is awful. This is so stupid, this one. I don't mind that one. The old one's too old. Like the CGI is awful. This is so stupid, this one.

I loved it. Let's do some have a words, why we named the podcast. Have a words. Dave Brown says, wheelie bin nonsense. All right, Lids, can you have a word with people

who put their house number on their bins? Why are they getting possessive over something filled with shit that council gives you for free? Fuck off. West Eds. You haven't got a bin. What? You haven't got a bin. I used to. He's got a chute. He's got a chute. Why do you have your number on it?

Because it's my bin. Is it the same as next door's bin? Do you have a license plate on your car? I don't know, it's mine. Dan, what have you done? It isn't the same. Oh, we've got the number. Yeah, he's a fucking idiot. That's right. He wants to go around

stealing other people's bins. Wait, stealing and put them where? People collect bins so that they can put more rubbish out. We've got nicer bins than everyone else.

Oh, everyone on our road has got one bin. Yeah. And they've all got the numbers on so you know it's yours. Yeah, they have. Vicky? Where do you live?

I'm so sorry, Vicky. Vicky, have you, have you numbered bins? No, I don't feel that passionate about my bin, but I can completely understand where yours are coming from. I'm not, like, judgmental about how much you love them or anything. I had an argument with a fella that I used to live near because he stole my bin and he tried to pretend that he hadn't. He?

Did it have your number on it as well? No, it... No, this is why I ended up have your number on it as well no it no no this is this is why this is why i ended up putting the number on mine okay because i i knew it had a very um on like the handles yeah it had like a mark because one day like the adhd probably somewhere on the spectrum kid that i am i just like scratched my key into it for a little bit so I knew that was my one but I didn't do it on purpose for that

it's just I'd scratched it and I was like that's mine because of that and he's like oh yeah did he concede? yeah

did it get quite heated? no he gave up I think he was scared of me I'm not surprised very intimidating but you only get one bin don't you so how are you claiming to have two?

we've got more than one bin we've got recycling bins we've got the grey bin we've got the green bin you get your pair all your blue i get how someone would be like i don't even uh give a shit why this is important but laura was like we are numbering these bins and it's one of those ones that i can blame her but i was like yes that's very satisfying depends on your neighbors didn't it if your neighbors are not all our neighbors blinders are bins, you've got the best neighbour ever. We don't have purple bins.

It's the road to... You don't even pay fucking council tax because Brian just does it for free. Is your neighbour still being a cunt? Martin. Martin. We just don't... Dan's next to our neighbour Martin.

At number 11, isn't he? Number 11. We don't even talk. We just don't talk. I have got to have you licked on shitty neighbours. Go on. My neighbour. Well, actually, like,

whatever you call the person who lives across from you is such a helmet. I fucking hate them both. Why? It's a man and a woman, and, like, I think they've got kids, but, like, I honestly just don't know. They've called the police on us three times.

What have you been doing, though? Note, mate. You sure? Hang on. Why have you been doing though? No, mate. You sure? Hang on, why are you already on their site? What were the police saying? Have you had fucking... on the podcast and I didn't know about that? What did they call the police for though?

Like what was their claim? Milo, me dog. Yeah. So basically Milo's like a very, as we were talking about earlier, he's an adventurous, excitable boy. And like our street is kind of like closed off. It's a gated community and there's eight houses.

And I suppose by the law of averages, we're always going to get two knobs out of 16. Anyway, when we first got Milo, he like loved to play out in the street and run around and have a little like, just meet everybody and that. And everybody loved him. He had such a nice time,

but he always goes on their grass for some reason. And I wouldn't be half surprised. I think my paranoia's got a hold of us here. But if they put something fucking special on that grass just to get him across there, and then they can complain about it, right? I know that sounds mental, but this is how they've got us anyway.

He does. He goes over quite a lot. They rang the police and said that their son is scared. So the police came to my house. Get on this. Police came to my door. And I was like, are yous all right? Obviously, mad PTSD about fucking police coming to me door.

Just terrifying. And then they said, yeah, we've heard you've got a dangerous rescue dog living here. I have a Labrador puppy. Like, it's not like I'm walking around with a fucking XL bully who's chinned loads of kids. I have a lab rat and I was like are you joking me and then the police came in

and were absolutely mortified when they realised like when my lodges tried to lick them to death you know and then they went away police said

oh we're never going to come back again this is absolute madness I sent them both a message saying you're so fucking mental stay away from me and me dogs and stop rubbing legs

of lamb on your lawn did you text somebody and said you're mental leave me my dogs alone i actually sent such a really long message but i just thought i'd like give you the synopsis i was like don't you send irkan any more sniveling messages like i basically just really went in in a proper group chat with all the neighbors as well. Cause I was so furious. Oh my God. Have you got a, a close WhatsApp?

Yes. We're 110 cent those knobs. I'm so sorry. Oh God. And all they talk about is bin cleaning and stuff as well. Yeah. I thought you might like that. It was a suspicious character.

At 1.10am. Did anyone else see them? But then no, after all of that, they rang them again. And said the dog had gone in the house can you imagine Milo

opening their door and just going in these are cunts aren't they these are cunts because they've gone after the dogs that's like

that's like it's one thing my neighbours are bell end but when Etta says hello he goes good morning he's we've beefed

about fucking fences but he's not a thunder cunt no we just have fallen out when if he was like

Etta goes morning and he goes morning he's fine it's just me and him that have got even his voice makes him sound like a cunt I know

why don't you try Etta's voice but if anyone rang the like over the fence morning and he'll say back oh I got you try Jack's

morning if I swear to god if someone rang the police Over the fence, morning. And he'll say back, oh, I got you. Try Jack's, morning. If, I swear to God, if someone rang the police on my kids, oh, I'm ringing the boys. We're having a team meeting. I'm going full Scouts. It's a bit different. And Adam's coming to the police.

He has got a dangerous rescue child from Wigan. Adam will shit on their lawns. Oh my God, we're getting Scottish John and we're doing something about it I'd have shit on their lawn

by now me yeah oh honestly what was the third one like he was in the bed at Goldilocks he's eating all our scone

he's watching the telly he's had all me mullet corners he's put the Christmas decorations up it's only March. This dog needs to go. Oh, thank God.

He's fucking deleted half of me fucking Skype Plus. Third time was just like an escalation. They claimed their son was phobic or something. Like, fuck off, you. How old are this couple? Are they like old, old? Nah. Nah, not even that like,

like not old enough to be like cantankerous, you know? Like you can't, that age definitely can't be an excuse. They're slightly older than Erkan and myself, but yeah, they're just utter nobs, man. Like honestly, and I just feel like, oh, just fucking move, will you?

I judge people who don't like dogs. Yeah. People who don't like dogs aren't nice people. That's a fact. And I've tried so hard't like dogs. Yeah. People who don't like dogs aren't nice people. That's a fact. And I've tried so hard, like, so hard, but honestly, no. Just move.

She's ginger as well, right, which I've got no problem with. But now you bring it up. No, but they're both ginger, actually. But she's ginger. What? Double ginger? A double ginger couple.

That is orange flags. Call the police. Absolutely not. Call the police on the police Call the police on them Call the police on them Child abuse Is the kid ginger? No but this is the maddest thing the kids aren't ginger They're black I had a point

And it wasn't gingerist I swear She's from Brazil No she isn't. I didn't know you could get Brazilian gingers. I didn't. The two words have never been said together.

Brazilian gingers. Have you ever got them on their own? Have you got them on their own? I'd be a hell of a nut. Have you ever got them on their own? One of them on their own? Like have you ever spoke to one of them on their own? a hell of a nut say that again have you ever got them on their own one of them on their own like have you ever spoke to one of them on their own yeah she can go that

you know like she had she shouted at one of my neighbours so it all escalated because one day she told us to put Milo on a lead

in the street and she started shouting at us about rules about kids and dogs and I just was like oh and I says

I know I bet you can't wait to tell us about your rules about kids and dogs I says but go back inside your house this is because i'm in no mood and then she just started like shouting at us and my mom was there at the time and i said get back inside your house get back inside your house she wouldn't listen so then my mom made me go back inside because she was like i'm not having you have a fight on your garden you've had your pcp no more do you know what i just love is Yeah. Is that there's probably like,

where you live in this gated community, there's probably posh people, like old, old money who've ended up living there. And they're watching Vicky the Viking Patterson and Sophia from Modern Family scrap in the middle of the street about fucking dogs. Just wondering how the fuck

they ended up in this situation get back inside your fucking house I think Dan's dribbling from a joke he said

five minutes ago I feel like I've had much shrimp there he is was it the ginger nut joke Mickey will you move to the north west listen was it the ginger will you move to the

northwest listen sell your house to martin you can come and move near us we need you on this podcast so much more oh i would love to move next to you then martin

can go and live next oh yes um should we call that a pod, boys? Yes. As ever, it's been amazing. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having us. You have a book?

Like, not on us, but I have one. Can have it. I have a book called Vicky Patterson, The Secret of Happy. How to build resilience, banish self-doubt

and live the life you deserve to live. I feel like I could write a book like that. Yeah. Yeah, I really hear you saying that. You're so, I forget how modest you are every time. Yeah.

It's one of my best qualities. Yeah, it's lovely. He's the most modest idiot, I think. Adam tried to employ a PA to sort out all his admin and didn't do it because it was too much admin getting a PA. No, he was going to genuinely get a PA, to hire his PA. This feels like a cycle, babes.

Oh, I've got so much to do. Never have I seen someone so relaxed and say that, though. Sunday scaries, everyday scaries. So get Vicky's book and your podcast. I have a podcast. Vicky Patterson, The Secret To. There's a theme here. But if you want to listen to it, you can.

And you are hosting on the radio. Yes, I start Heart Radio 10th of April. So by then this goes out really soon. First full-time job, you know. So good. I know. Since your cage fighting days. That was really more

of a hobby actually, Dan. And this week's Love Funny product is the is the Mon Ami. I think it's how you say. The Mon Ami.

Is he from monica oh wow for the lady so this is uh it's got control

buttons it's waterproof thank god and um they're all waterproof it says on the box

all right yeah um this is for the the woman of course box contains it's got a usb charging cable as

well when did we start doing product of the week product of the week it's the product of the week strong intense vibrations that'd be good

to have for a hand damn that looks like the adult version of Captain Hook sexy Abu Hamza oh has this been used oh no it's not sexy Abu Hamza come on you've got a call do you want to hiya Sadio Oh, has this been used? Oh, no, it's not. It's sexy.

Have you had one? Come on, you've got one. That's what it's called. Do you want to... Hiya, Sadio! Great hands. Yeah. I reckon you could use that for kitchen purposes as well.

What? You could, like, fucking... Well, it's sitting around in a pan with that. It's fresh out the box, don't worry. I was just telling it. You may need to put them on the end of your nose aren't you to test it I'll just see how strong you want to

because the end of your nose is probably similar to there it's got some nerve probably take it into the mic yeah no my nose is not unlike my cock no I don't think it's like a cock it's like it has something like one eighth

of the amount of nerve endings that your nanny has yeah yeah so if it's too strong for that it's too strong for that well it'd be eight times too strong for that if it's too strong for that. Well, it'd be eight times too strong for that if it's too strong for that, yeah. But if it's all right on here,

it'll be class doing there. So that's the monomy. Here's the trailer. Love, honey. Don't put that in. It's not being called that. Is this the Mother's Day advert? Oh, I'm on daytime telly sometimes.

Not anymore. For all your Mother's Day needs, love, honey. Buy tickets to my tour. Buy tickets to the Have A Word tour. Buy tickets to Dan's tour. Listen to Finn's music. Follow me on Twitch.

Follow me on YouTube. Follow me on TikTok. Go live your life. Is there any song this week for the audio, Finn? There is. So Josh, who's just started working with us, is in a band called The Night Cafe, who are class.

I've heard them before. And this is one of their tunes called Turn. So go and check them out. Ooh. I'm having nephesis with this podcast, mate. Thanks, Vicky. You're so welcome. This is now giving me like Sunday brunch of podcasts.

Do you know the Sunday brunch? Yeah, we do. You know, we've got the music. We've got like the family. Oh, we're getting better and bigger every time. Honestly, if you just turned that into like a cooking station,

Simon Rimm, I came sometimes, you'd be fucking right. If only one of us could cook. It's your turn now They left me waiting all alone And I said they'd run It's my fault now Cause they knew I'd give it up And I said they'd run

I should go I should leave But you don't know You're not asking me I should go They won't learn I'm told It's my turn

Am I alone or is there me in the zone of my head again? I don't care I don't believe it when they tell me that it's alright I'm overthinking things, my dear I don't care I should go, I should be But you don't know, you're asking me I should go, but they won't learn Diolch yn fawr am wylio'r fideo. It's my turn I should go

I should be But you don't know You're not asking me I should go But they won't learn I'm told It's my turn now you you