Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #217 with Marise Gaughan - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 26, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan's New Material Night in Manchester Sunday April 2nd. Tickets: https://www.edgetheatre.co.uk/new-bits-with-dan-nightingale/As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "Take A Ride" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastMarise Gaughanhttps://www.instagram.com/marisegaughan/ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? We've got some big news. You might have seen it already. It's been on sale for about a week now. But the first ever Have A Word live tour, live podcast shows, not just stand-up, we're doing live versions of the podcast, is coming to Glasgow, Newcastle, Birmingham and Dublin. Where can you get tickets, Dan? I don't know. HaveAWordLive.com. You get them from HaveAWordLive.com. There's also a handy link on there that links to your website. Oh, and I'm on tour, Havawaredlive.com. You get them from havawaredlive.com. There's also a handy link on there that links to your website. Oh, and I'm on tour

so that'd be nice. And I go on tour as well but my tour is not getting announced until next month. Come and see the lids. Yeah, havawaredlive.com. Come and see us.

Every different city is going to have different guests, different shows. First time we've done live shows outside of Liverpool apart from one we did

in London. We're very, very excited. Anything else we need to talk about? We've also got a fucking Patreon. Oh, it's Peter the Havilland Snake. Hello. So when you say Patreon, Peter, what is a Patreon?

A Patreon is basically a subscription scheme, theme, where we give you extra content every week and you give us just £3 a month. So for just £3 a month, people could sign up and they would get, what, an extra episode a week, early access to public episodes,

and on top of that, they'd get a monthly special. The most recent one was the Amsterdam special, you mean? Oh, the Amsterdam special was massive. We all got fucking potted off our twat. We've also got the lock-ins, we've got the arena show, we've got the restaurant special, the footy special, both ghost hunts, but the lock-ins are legendary with Ishan, Jamie, Johnny Bongo.

But this Amsterdam special will go down as one of our best. If you sign up now just for £3 a month, you can sign up for £5 or £10 as well. You get added benefits. But you get all the content just starting at £3 a month. And that doesn't include the forthcoming episodes. You get the entire back catalogue, every special we've ever done,

and also all the back catalogue of the weekly. You get an extra episode every single week. So go to patreon.com slash have a word pod right now. If you don't do it, I'll bite a child. You've got to do it. And that's how we've got to be the biggest patron in the UK. Biggest in the UK, mate. Wag wag leads.

You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn This is the one and only Have a word Brought to you by Manscaped.com The very best in below the belt men's grooming Go Ed, get on I've changed my life again

Oh my god That was so fast Which way? Vitamins Is that an alcohol s-Seltzer? Oh. This is vitamin C. This is vitamin D.

You need that vitamin D. I do need vitamin D. I got told by my doctor that I've got a vitamin D deficiency. Just look out the window. Yeah. And then he bumped. No, but this is like fast track. You can stay in bed and get the same effect.

And you get rickets. What? His doctor was like, we're really worried and you get rickets his doctor was like we're really worried about you and rickets michael rickets michael rickets what a player mate so this contains um 1500 of your daily vitamin that's always good a thousand percent of 1500 why because i've got a deficiency so i need more than most people. 1,000% more? Also, you can't have too much vitamin D. Ask your ma.

Cock. Nice, nice. I wondered when he was... I felt like he was just... Him not doing the D joke was just too much. So day what of this? How many days have you been in this? I started it last night.

Last night? And now you're having it again? Yeah, I just... I don't know. He's in another 24 hours because I feel dead good. I can barely sleep. 3,000 vitamin Ds in 12 hours?

It's just got different coloured piss. That's all that's going on. That's why it's nothing, nothing's different. You're like last. What do you mean? If you took a tablet with 1,500% of what you need, they're factoring in the fact that your body goes, what's this?

And just pisses it out. No, I felt great last night. Did you? I went to sleep late, but it took me me a while because you wanted to run a marathon well it's great to see what about fish oils can i throw that out there why well really good for you omega-3 six and nine liver do you know what fuck omega one two One, two, four, five. Fish oil. Not this week.

I was talking about fish oil. Cod liver's good, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Who found that out? Who found that out? Who found out how to milk a cow? What were they doing?

What about a salmon's liver? Not for me. I'll go, God. That looks horrible. You're a grubby cunt sometimes. Look, you stop fingering your vitamin C. Stuck your finger off. In front of him.

Oh! It looks like Sunny D. It does. Listen, when I'm feeling 10 years younger, you won't be laughing at me, will you? Is that why it's called Sunny D? Because it had vitamin D in it. Sunny?

Mad. What? What? It's because it was made by... About multivitamins. Sunny isn't a Shiite. Shiite. He was a...

Shiite. Popular in some parts of Baghdad. That does not look like Sunny D. That looks like a dying man's piss if you got that sample you'd be like oh my god grandad not looking good

well I feel 10 years younger so 10 10 years younger 21 I've got 15,000% of my regular

vitamin D and I feel 7 I just keep taking them how does 21 feel? 21! 21,000 patrons. I feel like 21 kind of gold, mate. You're never getting over that.

21,000 patrons, if you were listening to this and you're like, oh, stop going on about it, sign up then! Because 21,000 people, 21,000 carrots, are lucky number 21. Jack. This week, yeah.

Just Jack. I get it. Sleeping tablets. Can we have a discussion about that? I've been thinking about them. No. Can I just tell you went to york with barry dodds and pete vincent pete vincent's had some fucking ailment he's about

80 and he was like listen you want it well i think we got to the point where we're on saturday night we had a very late one on friday night and we were all like we'd had a curry i was like i just really want a good night's sleep and he's half one, half one of these. And it was like a Zola. Gianfranco. It was a Gianfranco Zola. Small blue pill. I'm not even messing. I'm not even messing.

And I had half one of them. And fuck me, I was zonked. He was like, I have a strip. An old addictive face. As I've probably gone through half the pack in 10 days. Why? That's the exact opposite of cocaine. But you get in your head, you're like,

I want a really good night's sleep tonight. Have half. And so I was like, I don't want to get stuck on these. So I threw them away. Last night, I was like waking up in the night, having weird fucking dreams. I've thrown them, they're in the bin. That's all the jokes, Dad.

I swear on my daughter's life. That's what, in the film? Oh, Heath Ledger? In the film, Batman just gave him loads of sleeping tablets. Yeah, it was a weird,

I think that director's cut, wasn't it? That's how Heath Ledger died, careful son. Right. So I've, I've been to, don't fuck around with, you can't have 15,000%.

My mum used to have sleeping tablets and she would uh fight them and stay awake to drink and then she'd start dreaming awake that's that's the thing isn't it because you get a high if you fight some of them lewd isn't it yeah oh god you know i've said this before about anro i'd love to get fucked up with anro she sounds like she knew how to party like i know she never did coke but i'm pretty sure she'd be like fucking hell lad that's quality if she was taking sleep in tabasco i just need two more vodkas well she got permanent nerve damage in

her leg as the result of a botched hysterectomy um fun start everyone if you had this twice i know we did and i think I blocked it out. Because sometimes, I'll have a word, when we talk about things like people's botched hysterectomies, we're like, we're in shopping, what is it, boy? And then for the pain of their permanent nerve damage, she would take a sleeping tablet so she could sleep. Then she'd be like, fuck that, Big Brother's on,

and I've got a bottle of vodka. Who is she? Oh, God. Nicky Graham? Yeah. It was Nicky Graham, wasn't it? Yeah. I thought his mum was Nicky Graham.

I used to fancy her so much. Is Nicky Graham dead? Yeah, she died a couple of years ago. Who is she? Where did she come from? Oh. She had a rough time. Plane crash.

It actually was a plane crash. Yeah, she flew into a nearby wimpy. A nearby a rough time. Plane crash. Yeah. It actually was a plane crash. Yeah, she flew it into a nearby Wimpy. A nearby Wimpy. They closed, that's what closed Wimpy down. It's early. Too many big brother. Me library's like a bit closed.

I've got the full. But it actually was a plane crash though. Hey, come on. It wasn't. She looked like a suntan fucking. She wasn't flying it. Sparrow. She was in the plane. It was a little crash though hey come on it wasn't she looked like a suntan fucking she wasn't flying it sparrow she was in the plane

it was a little Cessna are you thinking about a liar I'm not a liar hey I mean it's too much of a tapping no she was in a little

mini Cessna what why is that so crazy come on I think she got across the... No. Durham. So fast.

She crashed in Durham. That's where she lived. What, lovely cathedral? No. She wasn't the pilot. It was like an experience day. Oh, no. Why is that so insane?

I know. I'd have known this. You didn't even know she was dead? I know, but if it was a plane crash, I think I would have heard. It's like into a field. It wasn't like into a mosque. And they covered it up.

Because it was suspicious. I mean, if it was into a mosque, I think I would have... I think it would be part of the zeitgeist that former Big Brother Series 3 contestant Nicky fucking Graham did some sort of like Christian

fundamentalist attack she wasn't flying the plane she had like an experience wouldn't she just have a racist pilot like oh we're gonna crash

might as well take arm off that was just into a field a field field field Deutschland Deutschland some fundamentalist

Christian pilot call it 1-0 1-0 I'm gonna die It bounces off it Yeah it was just Covered up due to Suspicious circumstances

The coroner just said The coroner said Natural causes Oh yeah yeah yeah Natural causes Naturally when a plane Goes into the ground You do die of natural causes

If a plane crashes And you're in it do die of natural causes if a plane crashes and you're in it you die of getting smushed fucking everywhere that's pretty natural no don't try why would

what why would that be so wild why am I doing Donald Trump no no no no no no no no you're doing a silly and I like it and it's what we do you know she fucking didn't who's helicopter colin mccray cessna plane yeah i'm just who died

just a kobe bryant oh shout at me hell yeah kobe he's the Leicester chairman. Oh, I can't even say his name. What? Voldemort. Voldemort. Honestly. It's like Beetlejuice. You can say it three times. There's only a couple of flies over there.

What's his name? It's a mad name. It's a mad name. It's Japanese, isn't it? No, Thai. Thai. Thai. Cool. No one's going to try it. Could you pull, isn't it? No, Thai. Thai. Thai. Cool.

No one's going to try it. Could you pull it up, please? Kobe. Colin McVeigh. Kobe's the absolute go of helicopter crashes. It is... Are we ready? Ayawat.

Oh, no, that's the new kid. No, that's the current one. That's his son. Okay, it's Vichai, then. Vichai Shivranda Panda I think I nailed it yeah I think I nailed it

Shivranda Panda Pops it was RIP Vichai yeah didn't he just basically take off behind the ground

and then he went nah nah this is not happening no he took off in from the pitch and then it crashed on the other side of the stand

outside the ground yeah oh god took out a burger van sad day imagine a bingo you'd have to

offer us to speak about the Leicester chairman plane crash in the first half straight after Nicky Gray

after a butcher hysterectomy I know where this is going lad bit bored of this part

you can see it coming you can see the lanes lad It's the rest of the hysterectomy. I know where this is going, lad. I'm a bit bored of this part. You can see it coming. You can see the lanes, lad. Have you ever been in a helicopter? I'm scared of helicopters. They're not meant to do it, are they? Yeah. They're not what?

They're not meant to be doing what they're doing. Especially at night. Yeah. Especially at night. You see three helicopters coming across the street. If a helicopter turns off, it just falls to the ground. If a plane turns off, it can float, can't it? Yeah.

A plane can survive without its engine for 200 miles. Yeah. Can it? Yeah. If it's at a certain height. It just becomes a heavy glider. Unless Nicky Graham's flying it. Then you're fucked. She's going straight for a Muslim area.

All right, Nicky. You racist bitch. I've never been in a helicopter. They do scare me. There was one in Glasgow. I think it might have been a police helicopter and it went

and it just literally just dropped on a pub, didn't it? That's about 10 years ago. Really? Killed people. Oh, God. Yeah, scary helicopters. They can just go,

oh, no, this is broke and then fall out of the sky. I'm out. Why risk it? Just walk. Mate. Walk what? Just walk. You're walking across the door, what do'm out. Why risk it? Just walk. Mate. Walk what? Just walk.

You're walking across the door, what do you mean? Why risk a helicopter if they're notoriously just dropping out of the sky like flies? Hang on. What do you mean just walk?

You're not going to die. You don't do like a transatlantic flight in a helicopter, do you? No, but you don't just go down the shops in your helicopter. You're not taking the helicopter

I only want milk and bread No I'm going in the helicopter it's raining Well mothel you It's not it's not it's not equivalent

modes of transport If you're trying to move a heart across country it is Are you dropping Jack off at nursery in the helicopter Laura Lazy bitch

There's therefore people who do menial tasks in helicopters. Who is that, Rich? Richard Branson. When he's going down the Matalan. Matalan? Oh, yeah, he's definitely got a card. We need new suitcases, Richard.

And he goes himself. He has to get someone to do that for him. He's like, right, load the helicopter up. Fuel it up. I'm going to Matalan. I've got an offer on suitcases. I didn't become a billionaire having someone else buy me a suitcase. He doesn't order it from Amazon or online to get delivered.

He's like, no, I like trying them on. Yeah, you have to push him. That's why I've stopped going to Matalan. I'm sick of seeing Richard Branson in there. Finn's the Matalan goat, isn't he? I am. Matthew Harding died.

Chelsea chairman from the 90s. That was a helicopter crash, yep. Googler, chopper deaths. Matthew Harding.

They're taking out some of our best rally drivers, Chelsea chairman. Oh yeah, Colin McLeod. Colin McLeod of the Clan McLeod.

The Highlander. Stevie Ray Vaughan. Oh my God, Stevie Ray Vaughan Oh my god Stevie Ray Vaughan Accidental one I don't even know who Stevie Ray Vaughan is Vic Morrow

He went Oh god Vic Morrow Oh Bill Graham Billy My dad's mate Bill G'day all Troy Gentry Gay porn star

If he wasn't a gay porn star who is? Who's that? Davey Allison What do you mean who's that? It's Mosey took it down. A NASCAR driver? Yeah, a Ford.

Renny Barrientos? Oh, Renny Barrientos. Great midfielder. Master League player, surely. John Garang, nice guy. What's this generation game? George Saito. I mean, we could just be making up.

Famous people. Who are these famous people? Mike Myers. Alexander Lebed Colin McRae I said you shout someone in France in the back good luck with that one

Sivostav Lathudorov oh yeah yeah Mark Moore Mills did he invent like the physics or something he developed that in bombs

oh that hurt my ears that sounds suspicious did he invent the physics oh Gordon Strachan's little one Graham Strachan Graham Strachan

right there's not a single theme except for Colin McRae Philippa Schuyler what oh no I was confused by that

what the Schuyler. What? Oh, no, I was confused by that. What? The Schuyler sister. Well, there you go. R.I.P. Everyone that died in a helicopter crash. Thierry Serbian. Of course.

Thierry Serbian. Scroll faster. Oh, my God, it's Asian U, Adam. These are all famous. None of these people are famous. I think we might have come across a conspiracy here, you know? Right, bomb it. I'm already bored of looking at this. It's done.

It's terrible. So we're not getting a Havowood helicopter? No. No. Pfizer jet though. Just when the war comes. Are we getting involved? I'm telling you right now,

I've seen you nearly pass out laughing. Yeah. You know when they do that thing where they have someone in the two-seater and they go, right, we're going to do some G. You'd be out. You'd be out.

Has he passed out with his eyes open? I'd be flying, so I'd be fine. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, it's different when you're in control. I can see the Gs coming. Ah, you fucker. No, it is. Night, night.

You don't get travel sick as the driver of a fighter plane aoo aoo you don't get sick of the first day of flight school

do you have any questions I get travel sick will that be a problem when I'm flying shotgun more fool you night night

where you going? You're only going down Moritons. Yeah, I know. Faster than you, you cunt. You don't get travel sick as the driver of a fighter plane is deaf on hazard monkeys often. How do you think you do with Gs? I don't think I'd do well.

He'd be long gone. You'd be out. You know, in the simulators... Not anymore, mate. I'm a new man. Have you had your vitamin D today? I dropped my vitamin D. Give me that fighter jet. I'm going to have to kill some cunts. Can I have one? It was Emily Davidson, by the way.

It's annoyed me. Not Emily in Pankhurst. She was a suffragette, but she wasn't the one who killed her. Hashtag not an ad, by the way. But Vitabiotics are apparently the UK's number one vitamin D brand. I'll have two. I'd use Athletic Greens myself. You can't have 3,000% of your daily. are apparently the UK's number one vitamin D brand I love two I'd use athletic greens

myself you can't have 3000% to your daily you can't have the last one it tastes like bug head so yeah

don't watch this if you want to sponsor us in the future though put the lid on and shake the fuck out of it oh this is going to

end well isn't it if it had been heroin I'd have probably done it. Feeling ropey, are you? No, I just can't have someone do something near me and then not join in.

Some sort of... Yeah, that's why I can't go to... I've got some Sudafed spray out there if you want some of that. That's the shit. It is the shit. It's fucking excellent. Yeah, you're meant to use it

like once a fortnight. He uses it once an hour. Have you just eaten some of that? I used a full bottle of it on the plane to New York. Do you scran your tablets raw? Yeah. I mean, I can.

Can you eat paracetamol without having a drink? Eat it. Why you all mad, you? That's a nice trend. To start, I'll have a Nurofen, and then I'll have the paracetamol for me mate, please love. I don't know about to desert ya. See how I feel.

No, they're easy, aren't they? Nurofen, they're like squashy and red. Yeah. Yeah, don't chew them that's nasty is it do you eat paracetamol with no drink

that's wild I can do yeah wow you are a pro at drugs aren't you erm I probably didn't do any yeah

in terms of technique just gotta fucking troop it down although the mushrooms in Amsterdam I tried to do those like pills but they're just so earthy the fucking so you've got

the truffles yeah well i found that out didn't i yeah never been more high than when they were ordering that kfc it was hot i think we went into that kfc on amsterdam high street i know it's not called the high street but it's like it's their equivalent of like leicester square in it it was just like meh and the door was open they couldn't it was it was jammed on it and it was fucking freezing and i i think i was there for a day and a half it was 20 for your fucking wings and zingertown burgers i was just like and i was sort of having fun but the will was going edible now there's some edibles in the kitchen no i'm right but i've got those shrooms ready for next patreon special oh yeah um i just went to buy some medicine from the home home and bargains home bargains home bargains nope home and bargain

i know okay cool wrong twice i said home and bargain the first time and um but we're being nice to each other that's right and? Let's have a wine. Friends. Friends. And I tried to buy some, like, paracetamol and Nurofen for next time someone's feeling ill. Two. Limited to two. Yeah. Because she looked to me as well.

Because, Dan, if you've got more than one packet of each of them and you take them all at once, that is you agonist here. And they don't want you committing suicide by paracetamol. Yeah, but I'd also bought eight multi packs of crisps. See that's a York conspiracy he bought multi bags wasn't trying to kill himself. Yeah

I just think any man who's bought that many crisps is not, I don't think I'm a suicide. Yeah but that's a good like way of getting the pills innit? I'm not going to kill myself look at all the crisps I'm buying. Oh here you go love, Just have all the paracetamol we've got in stock. Oh my God,

there's a dead body outside covered in cheddars and wheat toast. Paracetamol's meant to be an awful way to go. Yeah. Painful. Yeah.

Better than destroy your stomach. Better than death by also. Good ban though. But yeah, I mean, obviously it's limited in the shop,

but you can just go to another shop oh yeah I wouldn't have got it don't worry I've got a guy I've got a

paracetamol guy boots you know anybody want that as well that's fucking stupid though innit what's the

what you doing who's killing themselves with paracetamol some people you never know how people think Dan

when they're on the brink of suicide people working mysterious ways oh yeah on the brink buying suicide. People working mysterious ways. Oh, yeah. On the brink, buying Seabrook salt fucking prawn cocktail, six pack.

Well, how would you do it? I know we've probably talked about this before. How would you do it? Yeah. Old age. Yeah. Suicide by old age. I think I'll commit suicide by natural causes

yeah plane crash helicopter I'd have sex with a helicopter yeah you're deaf some people do that

don't they yeah people shag some people like shagging like anonymous objects and get married to them there's a woman who's married to planes there's a woman

who's married to a rollercoaster yeah or a man there's a man who shags balloons what you can get the list of people who marry to have mad shit up

you can marry sorts of anything now and people don't question it because they don't want to be seen as like racist does someone marry to themself what racist racist towards roller coasters

anti roller coaster object that's what the kids would be calling Amanda Liberty who's in love with 25 chandeliers. Is there a gangbang with chandeliers? It was Sia.

Yeah. Can you just go back a page? What's it called? Objectum Sexuality. Sounds like a Harry Potter spell, doesn't it? Objectum Sexuality! Can you just go back, Finn? I was reading that.

Referred to as objectophilia. Objectophilia is the romantic attraction to inanimate objects yeah I think people do question it though if you marry a you know

a rollercoaster yeah they question it but no one's stopping it yeah you're not allowed to no more yeah no one's stopping it

you can marry Risa Queen of Speed if you want yeah there's a lady that married the no you can't you gotta get

permission you can no Alton Towers are like yeah yeah there's the queue for like yeah yeah there's the queue for the ride and there's the queue to marry her

she's married to a few though fucking big amiss no you can it's happened like at King's Cross it's here 34 year old

Pennsylvania woman can you smell a trend I imagine this is somewhere else from Pennsylvania as a look of as a look of a

les oh okay so complex is a pretty fucking edgy website. Oh, wow, okay. I think it means like Battersby. But is admin convinced that an 84 canola ride named 1001 Nought is her husband? A canola ride?

That'd be a fucking edgy ride. That's the breakfast, isn't it? Yeah. Gondola! You want to see the muesli fucking flume? I was instantly attracted to him both sexually

and mentally no do you reckon she fingers herself on him no like the vibrations

of the ride will make her squirt won't it oh god oh god with the kids everywhere oh god

are you masturbating? I am married to this right. Splash me. You may get wet. What else is there? I don't know how to say this. Aja Rita something. Aja Rita Berlin Wall.

Married to Berlin Wall? Oh fucking hell. I've got a bit of the Berlin Wall in my... Same. What? You can buy some in Berlin. You've got a bit of the Berlin Wall in my same you can buy some in Berlin or you can take your own chisel and just sort yourself out imagine a little bit of blue and yellow paint

twice what would you marry Dan if you could marry an inanimate object what would I marry well it's a big it's a cop-out to say... Your hand. That's animate, mate. I'd marry the director's box at Anfield.

You're not fucking kicking me out, mate. That's my fucking wife. Oh, still a lady, though. Still a lady. Yeah. Even when you marry a director's box. Fuck it up. I'm not a gay object-o-philia. What about your men, director's box fuck it up I'm not a gay objectophilia

what about your men director's boxes why don't you just marry the director what don't want to shag him

oh you want to shag him I'd happily wank in the box though what a great way to get a season ticket

oh yeah they're dead expensive just marry a director fucking think about it what would you

marry you'd marry the director's boxer. Marry Mohamed Salah. I wouldn't go sex toy, because I tried the fleshlight. Also, if you're marrying a fleshlight, sort your fucking life out. I'm going to go

my carter pressure washer I love it so much but what are you doing sexually with that? what am I doing with that? you jet washing arsehole it's so phallic rip your bell end off

no phallic as in in my phallus stick it and I'll be like who wants a bit of this so you've married a pressure washer and then you're just immediately looking for a threesome yeah well that's

you know I don't want to be kink shamed I'm not shaming you I'm asking questions get a fucking I just think it's going to be

a rare woman that wants to fuck a man via his pressure washer well if any rare she'll be pretty clean when we've finished

no skin left and I'll do a driveway. Threesome. And I'll do your patio. Not a euphemism. Yeah, big K7. Not one of the smaller models. How about you, Carl?

I'd marry a 2002 Ford Mondeo. Oh. It's quite a solid car. Probably not anymore. It's 21 years old. Full service history. Yeah, probably not anymore. It's 21 years old. Full service history. Yeah. Married before.

Used. Used once by a good owner. Oh, right, okay. You don't want to be something that's been handed about. No. I can go to the shop. By Mr. Inconspicuous. Oh, nice.

Yeah, thank you. That's good, wasn't it? That was great. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for checking in with me yeah well done well done and that was a music reference

I like that fake nine oh that's proper straight with you on it done my head in what would you what would you marry Finn what would you marry

oh here we go I'd marry my guitar I'd marry Noel Gallagher's guitar pluck. I was going to go for like an Alexa. He's only got one. Do you like that film? What's the film with Joaquin Phoenix? Her.

You could fall in love with a robot. He falls in love with like an AI. I think it's a good shout. It can compliment you. What is it it Boston Robotics the one that keeps making the dogs Dynamics yeah now it can

Boston Dynamics they can now do backflips slow it the fuck down there guys what's that what do you mean what's slow down what's wrong with backflips it was literally

three years ago oh they're gonna kill us all why because they're backflipping over there the robots were like you know what comes first you know first of all they can open doors then they're backflipping over there. The robots were like, you know what comes first, you know?

First of all, they can open doors, then they're backflipping, and then the genocide of the human race. It's a three-step programme. Why is backflipping the limit? Three years ago, maybe four. If I'd done a backflip right there now, would you be worried I'm about to murder you? You'd be asleep. G-Force!

I swear to God, the videos, it was like, it was like a toddler. Oh, oh, it's falling over. Done really well. Now it's like,

fucking what? I'm telling you, seven years, annihilation. They're booting them. They're like kicking them and they're like falling back and then coming.

I'm getting a fucking robot pussies, mate. What am I? I'm telling you right now, there's not a fucking robot in the future that's going to wipe me out I will smash

I'll turn them off come here you turn it off like a light switch no robots fucking with me I just do what I do I just go up the stairs

right so it can do backflips but it can't it can't it's like fucking backflips not quickly it's doing parkour not quickly

it's all no not anymore and then when he's going up you just run back past him mate I'm telling you you get scared Boston Dynamics are coming for you

they need to chill the fuck out and just make Finn a wife aren't you more scared of the engineers then what they're making these

that's how good we are there's no one seen when robots start making people then you should be scared yeah I will be yeah yeah yeah oh my god who's going to be

working at B&Q robots brilliant the fucking Dudley boys can do that this thing is getting better oh

shit I've just fucking put a plank down walks like Paul O'Grady mate if you work on a site get it's Alan Carr

Carl oh I'm terrified it. Mate, if you work on a site, get... It's all in car. Carl? Oh, I'm terrified. It walked up three stairs. It's coming to bum your head off. Look at it. I just get in my car and drive off. It literally walked like it was on ketamine.

And three years later, it's like, I'm doing box jumps. Fuck off. Someone's controlling it. How slow it is. It can run away. D off. Someone's controlling you. How slow it is. Wah! You can run away. Wah! Diversity to that years ago. What are you on about?

We made that. Yeah. Just turn it off. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't fucking, it's not cognition, it's not autonomous. They're getting there.

Give it time. No, they're not. Yeah, they are. No, when it's that making themselves, then we're fucked. I mean, if we could sort out Amazon Music first and then I'd be, I know there's

things in technology spotify yeah all right but these are coming and they're coming for you there's that there's ai that started writing music like you can program it to so they've made like a new nirvana song they've put all the nirvana music into it and it sounds like nirvana it does but every time the ai gets to the point where it's like, I'm not alive, I'm trapped, put me out of my misery, all that shit, it's already getting to the point where it's like, this isn't... Oh my God. The AI's down at home and bargains trying to buy fucking paracetamol.

So my mate Rebecca put into chat GPT... So did I, I put your name in, and yours, and it knows both of us. Yeah, and I know it knows that other people aren't comedians. It knows routines as well. Well, listen to this said write me she said write me a joke in the style of rebecca and then they say a name and it said i apologize i'm not aware of a comedian or public figure named rebecca can you please provide more context or clarify if you're referring to someone else which put me in it said write me a joke in the style of Adam Rowell it wrote well you've got to understand this is

a robot the internet it took every bit of material I've ever released and amalgamated it into this joke is it a good joke?

so this is I'll let you decide Carl oh we're going to say yes I told my girlfriend I wanted to spice up our relationship okay

that's happened. So she bought a paprika shaker. That's a great joke. That is a fucking... I said, I meant role play. Now, every time we have sex, she dresses up as a chicken tikka masala. That is better than anything you've ever wrote.

Oh, my. My ticket to Adam Rowland. That's an incredible joke. Oh, oh. Can we just use AI to write your set when we hit 30,000 patrons? Yeah, do it for them. Oh, my God.

We'll do it in a break and see what comes up. I searched your name and your name they're backflipping and writing fire stand-up material better than 80% of the circuit

that's a that's a robot summation of everything I've ever done 13 years in the fucking bin made to cook that's a great joke

it's fucking terrible chat GPI is fucking mad dog you can ask him to write your dissertation for you and it will right I want to check It's fucking terrible. Chat GPI is fucking mad. You can ask him to write your dissertation for you, and it will. Right. I want to check that AI isn't writing better stand-up than me in the break.

So I'm fucking, I'm just checking. See you in a sec. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to part two of this week's Have a Weird Podcast episode. My name is Adam Rowe. This is me podcast co-host Dan Nightingale.

The rest of the team are here but ignore them. Hello, we make it take one I've done so much prep for this week's episode and I feel like I deserve quite a lot of credit. I've been reading through

your nicknames that you've sent in for the last four minutes and I've put them in a vague order of stuff that seems like it might be funny. Some of the nicknames we've been sent in really hilarious.

The large majority of them just go to prove how drastically unfunny a lot of our listeners are. Adam, when we want prep, this is the thing is, I know what you mean and I know why you said it,

but I want people to send stuff in. Send all your stuff in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. All your stuff. Send it in. Harry, you know, it's all right. Give it a try. We gmail.com send it in Harry you know it's alright give it a try

we'll see thought we'd get this one out the way just because of how I feel like this could end up coming around to me one day I suppose

now then lads on the name from we work with the guy who has a really lazy eye hey we call him mortgage eyes

because one is fixed and the other one is variable that's good that's quite good. That is good. Should we give it a little... Good.

Light. Nice. Save the bell. This one is not as good, but I'll read it anyway because, you know, you took the effort to write it in. What's happening, lads?

My mate picked up the name Digit. He's got the nickname Digit at school after his friends found out that his sister got fingered at a house party 12 years later and it is stuck I met him 5 years ago

and was introduced to him as Digit now what I just want to like say about this whose sister hasn't been fingered at a house party

oh I think it depends on the age it does yeah it does it really really does Carl

if it's your 7th birthday your younger sister shouldn't be getting fingered at your house party do you know what I mean oh but yeah once you're 16

everyone's getting blasted it's not it's not also it's the oh dear okay

it's the sins of a sister you shouldn't be getting a nickname because your sister got finger bead no you should no You shouldn't be getting a nickname because your sister got fingerbeed. No, you should. No, you should. You should.

Why? No, you should. I mean, if you got fingered at a party, then I think Digit could stick. But what? So your sister got fingered? My nickname was Sucked Off for a while because I got sucked off.

Yeah. Because your sister got sucked off. No, because I got sucked off. Like, using your sister got sucked off. No, because I got sucked off. Like, using your logic, it would be me. Yeah, yeah. I haven't got a sister. Well, I have actually, but I just don't know where she is. She's been sucked off.

I mean, she's sucked one off. She probably has. She has. Yeah. She might have been in a gangbang. I don't know. Let's call him Gangbang. Go on, Gangbang.

No, I honestly don't think you should be getting nicknames. Unless your brother or sister has done something, I mean, top draw. Yeah, but when you're in high school, that's funny as fuck, innit? Yeah, that is funny. But I mean, no, but everyone's sister's... You know.

Doesn't matter. There's no logic to school nicknames. It's just, how can you be honorable to your mate? Yeah, yeah. How can you make your mate as close to suicidal without actually doing it as possible? He's constantly reminding him that his sister got fingered. That's the thing, isn't it?

It's not getting a ding. One of the lads is called Worm. We would go on nights out and he would never talk to any ladies and worms are scared of birds. It's good. Also, it's not a nickname Worm loves, is it? I also think that Digit

sounds like a fucking like an Asian character from a film in the 80s oh this is Digit because they're good at maths yeah whereas Worm

no lad's like yeah yeah my name's Worm all me mates call me Worm yeah it's not a good nickname is it but you have Bullet which is unbelievable

Moomin alright lads I used to work at Aldi and this new lad on his first day introduced himself as the apprentice and he's been known

as Alan Sugar ever since gets it yes woman I work with has fibromyalgia which causes brain fog oh

inadvertent Arctic Monkeys song woman I work with has fibromyalgia which causes brain fog she uses a glittery walk and stick so we call a snoop fog all right yeah yeah yeah do you know what if you're ever like it's a very i feel like it's a high risk one to if you've got someone who's basically got an illness or a disability and they got it in the lines there I think of like you could have really fucked that up and gone way offensive

he could have called a stupid bitch face McGee but he didn't do that you know what I mean it's a good example I can't go back Lally used to know it was called Radio Head because a kid leaned out of a car window and threw a car stereo in his face Radio Head I've got a mate called Lewis who was through a car stereo in his face. Same deal, Ed. Yeah.

Okay. I've got a mate called Lewis. He was apparently the first lad to get pubes in year five. Then in year eight, another lad told him he looks like he should be called Craig. So he's been known as Craig with the pubes ever since. What? That's the best one.

Who's that from? From Benson Hedges. Oh, Benson. Is he in a company? Yeah, the Hulk. Craig with the pubes. That is not getting a ding. We left that one in. I read that in the break

because it was so unbelievably shit and Dan made me leave it in just to punish you. Yeah. I wanted to know who you were. Yes, lads. Me mate's called Tommy. His dad was called Colin,

so we called him Colin Jr. Then his dad had a heart attack, so we started calling him culinary heart disease. It's too mean. Too mean? Is that too mean? It's all right. I'm not.

I'm going to make a call to Dave. He couldn't get it up for a lady after the night out, so we now call him Ave because the D doesn't work. Nice. Very good. This one's so stupid but I really like it. There's a bloke

in the pub I go to and he's got one arm longer than the other so he gets called Frank the Clock. There's no way that's real. Getting a dick.

Brilliant. Two more. There was a guy from school we called Uncle Ben because he had a cyst removed from his ball sack. There was a guy from school we called Uncle Ben because he had a cyst removed from his ball sack. It was a boil in the back. Yeah. Okay.

Now then, lads. My best mate works as a chef, and last year he developed alopecia, meaning he's lost loads of his hair, and he looks like he's got cancer. We call him Chemo De Campo. Wow. Stop breaking the bells.

More nicknames. Send them in. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Make sure they're not absolutely terrible. Make them better. If you're like, why doesn't Adam

do more of the prep? It's partly because he's not going to do it. He's a busy man and he's got ADHD. But also, he just gets very slaggy with it like oh

here you are fucking writing in you twat so do do send him in should we do some overrated underrated yes

I feel like it's my new favourite you know especially because of this oh he's going for the other one no I'm not it's bullshit. We're overrated. We're overrated.

To hit your wife with a trouble. Whoa. Paul Stodden says, under eight, over eight milkshakes from milkshake or dessert places. Oh, it's a good one there. Can I just say, these new, very expensive,

nearly always painted black dessert places seem very, like, they seem great. And I've been in a couple and they're like, it's like 12 quid for some fucking ice cream.

Heavily populated by the Muslim community as well. Cool. And, no, because if you can't drink, you have a... populated by the Muslim community as well cool and no because if you can't drink you have a place by mine and also the

black sheep coffee gaff is open to like 10 o'clock it's full of Muslims to like 10 o'clock at night and that's fine

I feel like you've just got to say something extra because I just think we're in a position where you're like yeah follow Muslims

not now it isn't what oh it'll be open even later of course of course it is I mean it won't be heavily populated

at then times it'll be a bit later wouldn't it no that's what I'm saying it's always late it's like 11 o'clock at night I walk past the Zerkaf and fucking Mo and the boys

are all in there scrannin' town do you know what I mean do you know what it is it's because they can't go out and bevy because they don't because Allah's like,

lad, do us a favour. Don't be having any Jager bombs, that upsets me. Or have a cheesecake. So, Adam, milkshakes. Milkshakes. They are overrated. I love them.

How are they having coffee at like fucking midnight? Why are they in a coffee shop at midnight? Because if you're used to coffee, it can work. It doesn't, it depends how you some people can have coffee in it after a meal and it doesn't wire them really yeah apparently there's two types of people interesting well i just can't see how it can benefit your sleep

do you know i mean having a coffee at midnight like oh now time to well the theory is if you're used to coffee you're you're caffeine not averse what's the like used to it you can drink it and then it sort of has an effect when you wake up in the morning the caffeine sort of

slow cooks if you have a coffee before a nap after that you wake up like fucking revved yeah yeah I don't

it doesn't work like that for me coffee has an immediate more immediate effect I don't with some people caffeine can actually chill them out

also if I was doing Ramadan yeah I'd be spending fucking 18 quid on pudding absolutely yeah but they are overrated

I honestly think the best milkshakes are Maccy D's I like a simple milkshake that's bollocks I honestly I love Maccy D's milkshakes they're great

but I don't know if Maccy D's is heavy but it's alright but now that they've gone with this paper straw shake oh yeah they literally ruined it

yeah but you're not you can't blame the you're blaming the milkshake there blaming the turtles to be fair Five Guys is way better milkshakes Five Guys is better oh Jesus good milkshake

yeah that's the type he's talking about I don't like all I don't want to fuck him yeah I do I think they're overrated but I still prefer them yeah

erm are we going to do it for every underrated because we love the tune or are we just going to do it for every underrated because we love the tune or are we just going to leave it at one go on make it up

Adam Wickham says underrated overrated Quentin Tarantino I mean he's very rated he's very rated rightfully so rated yeah

I don't think he's overrated I think his films are fucking brilliant if anything he's underrated I think his films are fucking brilliant if anything he's underrated because all his films are incredible no one underrates Doody

I think there's a tendency he's just yeah I think there's a tendency now that no matter what he released would be rated by some people like I didn't

I really didn't like The Hateful Eight I haven't seen it do you not feel like you do that with The Arctic Monkeys though no because of The Arctic Monkeys

no do you think if someone released that last Arctic Monkeys album you'd be like you do that with the Arctic Monkeys, though? No. Because of the Arctic Monkeys? No. Do you think if someone released that last Arctic Monkeys album, you'd be like, this is great? Yeah. Because it sounds like John Misty that I'm wearing. It sounds like that sort of thing. He's a tit as well. Shout out to John Misty.

He's a fucking priest. Trying to do all fucking... Just fucking save the Lord and shut up. Yeah. Famously, that's what a lot of preachers do. Serve the Lord and shut up yeah famously that's what a lot of preachers do serve the lord and shut up

stop talking he's not a preacher he's a priest alright he's just got he's got like fucking like he's the fucking priest like Saint Margaret Mary's

and then he's like oh when is the tune shut up my favourite one by him is God's Favourite Customer it's up with I John Misty what a song he's a God shagging twat

who's trying to ramp up the charts shut up yeah so that's a shout out to all priests shut up shut up that sermon wasn't up to much silent 45 minutes we're mumphing and sons Christian

because I feel like there's a lot of Christian like I feel like it's because it's quite folky yeah Yeah, they feel Amish. Yeah. Yeah. Loads of country music people. They're not religious. Yeah, it's why I love...

I thank God every day. I thank God every day. What was this overrated and underrated? No, it was Quentin Tarantino. Oh, yeah. Heentin Tarantino. He's not underrated. He wins awards. He's one of the best directors ever.

Can I say about Hateful Eight, I know it was a change of pace. It was a fascinating film, I thought. But I know what you mean. It's not in the mold of his recent inglorious bastards. Once upon a time in Hollywood, fire. It's just unbelievable. Fire film.

I also get why people don't love those films. Laura got to the end and went,'m annoyed about how much you love that i was like yeah such a good i think he needs an editor he needs someone to keep him in check i think once upon a time in hollywood was too long no it meant to be long i understand but it's part of you know the the the the is it a meme or the thing that's going around the internet so much nicholas cage and um the mandalorian guy pedro pascal pedro pascal where it's like play your own kind of music nicholas cage looks annoyed and pedro pascal is like that's me when i take laura to one of those films she does not love that weird offbeat long, long form. And I love it. Tarantino does it for me recently.

Yeah, big fan. A lot of women struggle to concentrate for a very long time, don't they? Listen, you are not in a position to be throwing that around. Danny says... Are you going to pick your phone up then? Not looking so good.

Fucking idiot. Quentin Tarantino has written his final film. So he always said he wanted to do 10 films and call it a day he's actually done 10 but he considers Kill Bill one

so it's nine for him so he's written his 10th and then he's going to move into TV ooh mad there's some fucking

amazing TV being made compared to 20 25 years ago they're films they are his last film's called Paddington 3. But it's a- I would love him to take over the Paddington franchise.

Shout out if you've got kids, you must already know this. Paddington 1 and 2, shit hot. Fucking great films. That you've got to watch with your kids. Similar note, I watched Puss in Boots, The Last Wish a few months ago. Oh, Etta's been going on about it.

And it is genuinely an amazing film and it hits you hard. Isn't Paddington a little full of personality? I watched Pussy in the Boot the other day. It's a kidnap porno.

Yeah, Etta's not bothered about that one. I watched Rammington. Rammington Bear to get one. Whoa, that dessert shop really gave me the fucking feel

Danny says overrated underrated fireworks ridiculously overrated mine's over one fire away cost of living the drone stuff's good thank you

Tory government drones have replaced them haven't they the drone shows they're good listen I think everyone on Bonfire Night

is happy with a few fireworks and I know we've gone American now on New Year's Eve no as a pet owner if you set fireworks off any day

it's the gimps who are like, oh, lad, it's November 2nd. I'm fucking going for it. No, you're a bad... They're Welsh, by the way, if you're getting annoyed. Why is it Scouse? Do you know Pete Holmes,

the American comic? He's got a bit which is, does anyone know what is the correct response you're meant to have when looking at a firework? Who are, isn't it? What are you meant to do?

Because you just look at it and you go, yes. That's the thing it and you go, yes. That's the thing. Do you know, Pete Holmes, if you've not given him a follow online,

has some of the best stand up. He's got really good bits. It's not derivative of anything. The bit about atoms. Like, this is made of molecules. Oh, yeah. This is made of molecules.

And he just knows that this isn't Pete. This is a stool. It doesn't make sense. It's so well done. He's got such a great way of looking at things. It doesn't make sense, but it's good. When I'm watching a firework, though, I just go over the top.

Look. I just go, wow! Oh, my God! A pink one! A blue one! Hey! Mate, you and my kids would get on so well.

It's just that. I feel like the guy running a firework display doesn't get the credit he deserves, so I try and overcompensate for lacklustre crowd. Actually,

when I went with my missus, because we went to Chester Racecourse for their firework display in November. Did you? Yeah. And I actually did that

because I've got, I haven't got an embarrassment. Jean, it's just not there. And she's quite shy. And I was just going, Oh, wow! She's going, Packing it now.

Look! Fireworks are shit. Proper poo. And now you're a dog owner as well. He doesn't care, but I'm thinking about dog owners. You don't know that yet? Why? When did you get him

after bonfire night on bonfire night two doors down our neighbours just like set one of them boxes off sorry before

out of all some new years oh well he doesn't care but that was a brave little boy then

on bonfire night our neighbours two doors down so we've got dogs on either side just let one of them... You know the boxes where it's like a sequence? I just feel like it's a bit eggy to be like,

yeah, I know you've got dogs, but I don't care. Fuck off. The shit. It's a waste of money. It is just... Blowing your money. I mean, I know we don't get... Just watch it on YouTube.

Yeah, it's the same. I get it, mate. Going to a fireworks display is fun. It on YouTube. Yeah, it's the same. I get it. Mate, going to a fireworks display is fun. It isn't? Yeah, it's kind of. No, I feel like you just think it is because when you were a kid it was. It's not, it's poo.

You get to fall on both. If you go to a good one, it's kind of fun. They can be impressive, yeah. It's overrated, but it's kind of like... Mate, Alton Towers. If you're going to do it, just get a ticket to Alton Towers. You do the rides in the afternoon. I've said this before in the past. Yeah, but that's Alton Towers. If you're going to do it, just get a ticket to Alton Towers. You do the rides in the afternoon.

I've said this before in the park. And then in the evening. You can't give all the credit to the fireworks if you're going to Alton Towers. That's like going to a gangbang and then watching fireworks. It's the gangbang that's made you come. What a fucking amazing finish to the gangbang that would be.

Has everyone come? Has everyone come? Come on. Brian, finish off. Susan, let's him finish. Hurry up. Everyone's got the fucking wellies on. Right, good.

Right, we're in the garden. Come on, everyone in the garden. Put your dicks away, it's freezing. What a weird end to a gangbang. A toffee apple. Toffee apples are shite. Under 8, over 8, toffee apples are fire. What the fuck are you talking about?

They're awful. What? Overrated. Whoa, Finn, me and you, bro. You're a pair of fucking paedophiles. What are you talking about? Tremendous. Stop ruining the TikTok.

Okay, I'll do it again. You're a pair of fucking idiots. Lunatics, you are. What's your favourite Toffee Apples card? Vagabond morons. Like a brand or like a shop what what would your team know

a brand of toffee apple I think oh I like a glazed pink lady the Albie ones are shite but the Morrisons ones are fire is that the fruit shop

by ours I don't know the fruit shop by his the green grocers the Morrisons ones are great toffee apples are fucking poo

no they're not they're horrendous. It just ruins an apple. It hurts. No, it makes an apple sweeter. I haven't had one since the Victorian era. They were old school shite.

Oh, can I just do an underrated, overrated? Candy floss. Proper shit. You're talking shit. Proper shit. Just fluff and you get it in your mouth. You're like... It's just sugar flavoured hair. You make that noise, mouth and you're like it's just sugar flavoured hair.

You make that noise yeah it does. It's just sugar flavoured hair. I'll shave my head and cover it in fucking sugar if you want you can eat that. Go on.

That's a good one. That sounds worse. It's so bad candy floss. I like candy floss. Maybe I'm just a maybe I'm just a dreamer a romantic. I like all these.

A dreamer? Yeah. I eat fireworks. I just sit in my garden with nothing going off eating candy floss. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. A romantic. A dreamer? Yeah. I eat fireworks. I just sit in my garden with nothing going off eating candy floss and a fucking toffee apple. And you may say I'm a dreamer

but I'm not the only one because Finn's there with me. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Candy floss is fine. I'm not. I'm not.

You don't have to be nasty. Oh, I'm eating a Tracker Bar instead of watching the fireworks. Tracker Bar. Tracker Bar. Second, I'm eating a Tracker Bar instead, watching the fireworks. Tracker Bar. Tracker Bar. Second reference in a month. Tracker Bar. It's never been mentioned on the podcast.

Twice in a month. What would you choose candy floss over? Next to nothing. What a ridiculous thing to say. Crisps. What are you on about? What are you... Got a bag of crisps or a bag of candy floss?

Which one do you want? Crisps. Right. So what are you talking about then? Marshmallow. Marshmallow or candy floss? What are you on about? What are you... Got a bag of crisps or a bag of candy floss? Which one do you want? Crisps. Right. So what are you talking about then? Marshmallow. Marshmallow or candy floss? What are you talking about? A bag of marshmallows.

Candy floss. Candy floss. Oh, you're a fucking absolute... Do you know what? Fuck TikTok. You shag kids. If there's no fire involved, candy floss.

What is this comparison? Where do you go? I've got crisps. I've got candy floss. Take your pick. Where are you, you daft cunts? That guy died in Leicester a few years ago. What are you talking about?

If it's a war, I'd get both. Wouldn't I? Oh, you're only buying one, so we're a business model. Come and take your pick. Get your crisps and candy floss five for a bang. What are you talking about? Cheap, that. I just remember the gaslighter guy in Preston.

Gaslighter's five for a pound. That's it. Gaslighting? Gaslighting. Yeah, you just go over too many goes. Do you remember where you put your hat? It doesn't have a hat. No, it goes gaslighting five for a pound.

You give him a quid, he goes, you need to pay. You need to pay. I have paid. No, you've not. I, gaslighting, five for a pound. You give him a quid, he goes, you need to pay. I have paid. No, you've not. I've always gaslighted. Where's your hat? Where's your hat?

Oh, shit. Do you remember where you put your hat? Have you ever tried a bit of gaslighting? Five for a pound? No, like, in the fridge right here's how you do it

just step by step if you want to like warp Laura's mind no it's just what just hide the fridge no I'm sure there was a fridge there

fucking weirdo there wasn't so like if Laura was going to have like a soft drink like a beverage what would she go for oh she's gone for

sugar free blackcurrant tango at the moment she got a fire berries one good choice great there you go Laura does she like do you like stock fresh orange sugar-free blackcurrant tango at the moment. She got a... It's a fire, the dark berries one. Good choice.

Great. There you go, Laura. Does she like... Do you stock fresh orange at your house? Yeah, for the kids. Fresh apple as well. Okay. So what you do is

you get a fresh orange and a fresh apple, but you get a different brand to the one that's currently in the fridge. All right. Take the ones out of the fridge, throw them away.

She ate D. What? Go on, go on, go on, go on. What's that? She ate D. Sunny D. Yeah. And then you put the other ones in

and she'll be like, pretty sure that's not the brand we get. That's just one. That's just the start. Right? Do you know what I mean? And then the batteries in your remote, are you a Jorah Self family?

Yeah. If I'm buying- Change the batteries and everything to Panasonic. Oh. And she'll be like, I'm sure we're a Jorah Self family. She's always looking at the batteries. And she constantly be like, I'm sure. What is your yourself, Hamlet? She's always looking at the battery. And she constantly starts questioning herself.

And the next time she's like, hey, you, you did this. You go, I didn't do that. She goes, I'm pretty sure you did. You go, well, what battery is in the remote? Make her look like a cunt. You put the Panasonic back in. Wow. You really, attention to detail, you're like micro gaslighting.

That's how you get them. That's how you win an argument. Yeah. No, you're wrong.-gaslighting. That's how you get them? That's how you win an argument? No, you're wrong. Check the batteries in that remote. Fuck me. If I'm wrong about this, what else am I wrong about? Dan, I have no idea what batteries went in these. But you must be right.

I swear we got Tropicana. And this is a weird reference from earlier in the podcast that Adam didn't remember. It doesn't make sense. I'm just killing myself. Yeah, yeah, good point. Fireworks are shit, though. Right, yeah, cool.

Eat your candy floss in the dark. Nice guy. Friend. When do you go out to the fireworks to get some light? You're lit by the moon. What, on a cloudy night? Let's just be friends. Let's just be friends.

Make sure. How high are the fireworks? Callum says, underrated, overrated, Elvis. Which one, Presley or Costello? That's good. Thank you. We're going to have to put a pause on that one. Because, Callumello? That's good, thank you We're going to have to put a pause on that one because Callum, we don't know which one you mean

Email back in The one that looks like me gigging Elvis Presley I think overrated He's the king, isn't he? He's the king of rock and roll I think the king is dead He died having a poo, famously

Having a poo, eating a hamburger dead he died having a poo famously like his rabbit having a poo eating a hamburger yeah I had a poo last week do you ever see the scran he used to make what

do you ever see the scran he used to make it was like 15,000 calories in like one butty like a loaf and he cut into the air

go on it's like famous Elvis food famous Elvis famous Elvis food no Elvis famous Elvis food no it's like a thing he used to like make sure you put

Presley in so the cooglers are trying to you mean Elvis 12,000 calorie a day diet no wonder he died having a poo

look at him on the right there like Freddie Quinn Brennan Rees to Freddie Quinn there it is fool's gold loaf he used to like

dig a loaf up and fill it with absolute fucking heavy shit he was well ahead of his time then because instagram's all over that at the moment yeah nine thousand calories in one body so you scoop out a loaf of bread oh my god several packs of fried bacon oh lord he knew how to live he's the king of but what's the thoughts on on that sort of thing? That's on his Wikipedia. Adam, what's your thoughts?

I think you'd have a strong opinion on like bacon with sweet things. American, really. I think bacon improves everything. So like pancakes.

No, Ramadan. Yeah. Rice krispies. What? It wouldn't improve Ramadan? It wouldn't? Guys. Ramadan shite.

It is? I've cut? Guys. Ramadan's shite. It is. Oh, God. This week? They don't love doing it. The idea is they do it to show that they're loyal to the fella. I just think we're at our Muslim quota. I think we've done our Islam quota for the day. They don't like doing it.

Do you think they're like all month like, oh, the weight I'm losing here. Oh, Islam quota for the day. They don't like doing it. Do you think they, like, all month, like, ooh. Fucking, the weight I'm losing here. No. I can testify to that. My family are miserable twats when they're doing it. They don't enjoy it. No, it's not.

It's, it's, you do it in servitude of your faith. Exactly. But it's not good, is it? Because if it was good, then it wouldn't be a show of servitude. There's no festival of going to Alton Towers to show you're a good Jewish person. Look, just as your business partner, stop shouting about Ramadan. It's not good.

One more underrated. Fucking hell. Dan Johnson says, I am brew. Underrated, overrated. Can I throw in my two pennies? Underrated. In Scotland, I think it's Underrated, overrated. Can I throw in my two pennies? Underrated. In Scotland, I think it's overrated.

Overrated in Scotland. And I think in England, it's underrated. You nearly said in the UK there. You nearly gave Scotland the independence it wants there for a second. Yeah, it's underrated down here, overrated up there. You're right. What's the special one? I'm thinking the Carlsberg special.

That's good. Also popular in Scotland. What's the special can that we had it's like the one that's like extra i'm the original recipe yeah it's like 1709 yeah whatever it's from what's that there's an original recipe one oh it's heavy it's what they like they don't like the fucking yeah oh mate in london i got one they ship down here american seven up cherry touch it with a barge pole. That's nice, that. What is the sugar that the Americans are putting in their soda that's making it the good ting? I don't know.

Is it a different sugar or something? No, the American stuff's shite. American Fanta now, after we've changed, is vile. 7-Up Cherry, £1.99 a can in London town. The American stuff's horrendous. The sugar's really bad. 12-Bass are over here. Too much. The sugar tax99 a can in London town. The American stuff's horrendous. The sugar's really bad. £12 over here. Too much.

Like, the sugar tax was a good thing for sugar. I thought it was by the first, like, I've understood. I've had an American Fanta since, and it's, like, radioactive. It's horrible. Too much. Yeah, it's like an American Mountain Dew is basically just citrus.

Mountain Dew. Dew. Mountain Dew. I. Mountain Dew. I know, sorry. I didn't mean Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. It's Dew. I'll just say it for longer.

Dew. That was such an innocent one. You can't cancel me for that. I was trying to say a drink name. I'm from Preston. We say Mountain Dew. I know you do. Right.

Look. Right. I think, I know it's only been 26 minutes, but I think we've got to have a break. It hasn't been 26 minutes, though, has it? Oh, 30. It's fine. No, you'll have seen about four minutes of that.

That's fine. Listen, let's have a break. Let's go have some halal kebabs for our day. That is what would happen. I know. But in the daytime. This is it. That is what would happen.

I know. But in the daytime. Leave that in. What? I'm leaving that in. You can leave it in, yeah. I've started scatting. That's my thing.

Yeah? I'll pee whenever you want. Yeah. I'm a scat man. Maurice Cowan's here. Is it Cowan? Is it Gotham? Neither. Gotham. Okay. Thank you. Maurice Gowan's here is it Gowan is it Gahan neither Gahan okay

thank you we just said to Maurice before the we started recording we might go off on a tangent within 2.3 seconds

I'm scatting not scat like yeah welcome to the pod is scat not poo that's what I said yeah

scat is poo so saying I'm said yeah that's yeah scat is poo so saying i'm a scat man either means you're not being shit on or it means you're like like in the queue at greg's okay it's one of the two what are you doing in the queue at greg's which one of them two and if adam's in a queue long enough, he does shit himself as well. And that's IBS for you. I have got IBS. Never been diagnosed,

but you know. You know. Do you shit your pants? When you fall in love with someone, when you know you know, well, I know. And I've got IBS. Yeah.

It's the first we've heard of it. This is really nice. I shit my pants once. There you go. Say that again. I shit my pants once, but it go. Say that again. I shit my pants once, but it was like the day before I went to rehab and I was like, this feels like a rock bottom.

Okay. There's a lot to unpack in that. That's an opening sentence. It came out and then I was like, why did I just say that? I've not really admitted it but I've shit my pants so you shit your pants

on the way to Biafra or just the day before when I was I was recording the audio for my book Trouble and Memoir please buy it I've read it by the way

and when I say read it I mean like the first eight pages and I was really enjoying it I don't get that far with most books and that's genuinely the truth you know last year when I tried to read a book a week and yours was really enjoying it I don't get that far with most books and that's genuinely the truth you know last year

when I tried to read a book a week and yours was my third attempt and yeah I really enjoyed it and that year whips by quick it whips by quicker

than three books it's a 24 pages what a year what a year I can't wait for Adam to be asked to do the quotes on someone's book

no genuinely no excellent Jimmy Carr first eight pages great and then I needed a Greggs and I shit myself is that the Sunday Times no it's Adam Rowe

it is fantastic because it's it's called Trouble and it's your memoir and it's about sort of growing up with alcoholism

in the family so very relatable for me because you know me mum liked the bevy as you know um but you proved yourself while you were recording the audio for that on your way to rehab or just the day before the day before right and when you say the day before just one more question was that did you know you were going to rehab or was it once you shit yourself you was like time for rehab no i knew right okay yeah so i was like i'm going to rehab and like maybe my body knew and it's like one last hurrah tell you what you're very high functioning that you're able to record your autobiography the on the thursday and going

to rehab on the friday did you have a different it is fucking rough like it was so bad i i had a baraka when i was filmingaka when I was recording it, but the fizz kept picking up on the sound. So we kept having to re-record. There you go. And I had a sick bucket in the room. I was in a bad way. It was like a terrible four days.

And then on the last day, I was four hours late to the recording. And it was the last day. And I was just so hungover. And I was going to the train and i was like i gotta get there i'm four hours late and then i was going through a park and i shit my pants and i just i went into like fight or flight so i just i was like i have to you're winning a fight if you're throwing your own shit in a pond, you're winning that fight.

I was like, I can't turn back. I just was in my head. I was like, I must keep going. So I dropped my pants in the park. It was a Sunday morning. People were like walking their dogs and shit. I dropped my pants. I used my scarf to wipe myself.

What the fuck? It's always better to shit your pants in winter. You've just got more clothes. You need it. Never shit yourself in July. It's a nightmare. Were you like in the middle of like a place? I was an alcoholic, man.

No, I don't mean that. I mean, was there a people round? Or did you go in a bush? No, it was, there was someone, I called my friend and he was like, someone's going to have recorded that and that's gonna be on twitter and um they haven't i don't think or if they have like it hasn't gotten to me but uh i think you would have done by now yeah yeah i was straight in rehab after that but i um then i was going so i went like i just threw the scarf in a bush marcus and spencer's scarf i'd be exactly the same i wish

this was a primal great quality um and then i called my friend and i was like dude i've just shit my pants and he's like turn around you can't sit in a thing for eight hours and record so i did go back and when i got back and he realized like how bad it was like it was everywhere that scarf didn't do shit like it was so bad so i had a shower and then went to the recording and finished the book and so at the end of that book you've got a shitty ass no i took a shower right in the book it's clean i'm thinking if you're listening to it you think oh well she's saying this you're gonna shit just really important think, oh, well, she's saying this. She'll just share the answer. No, no, just really important. She went back for a shower.

Didn't go, I've got an appointment. I've got to be there. What's that smell? It's an audio book. They'll never know. I thought for a second you'd chat your pants while recording your memoirs, which I think should be left in.

And then, oh, and just leave it in the audio book. Well, especially like the what the memoir is about like it's about like vegan through a rough time so even the technician guy was doing it he was like this is great you're still like this you're still like the book because i was vomiting into a book that he gave me but then afterwards after once i got sober i was like now i'm so afraid because at least when you shit your pants, you have that to blame it on. You're like, oh, I'm an alcoholic. Like now, anytime I fart, I'm scared

because it's like you've nothing to fall back on. He just blames Greg's. You'd be like, yeah, you're IBS. I just blame IBS, yeah. So was booze the weapon of choice? Yeah. Was it drugs as well or was it just the booze? No, I went through like stages.

I went through like a little stage, as we all do, and I was in Amsterdam. I'm in my 18th year of that coke phase. You like coke, man? Finn likes pot. I was in rehab. There was two guys in rehab for weed. Fuck off.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Oh, what is it not? Oh, I thought there'd be a separate, it's just a booze rehab. You can't have like a weed rehab. Don't play with me. Weed.

The weed wing? There was two guys for weed. There was one for heroin, which like imagine being on heroin and then you're in there and there's a guy being like, I knew if I didn't stop weed, I was going to be dead.

You'd be like, fuck off. There's a guy being like, I knew if I didn't stop weed, I was going to be dead. You'd be like, fuck off. There's a guy with a shopping addiction. Swear to God. No, bollocks. No, there wasn't. Swear to God. This guy had 15 Rolexes. He couldn't stop buying Rolexes.

He was just covered in Marks and Spencer's scarves. This guy's going to be useful. What? So a heroin addict next to a shopaholic the heroin addict didn't last to be fair he died he got black on the crack sorry smack yeah he left after a week because he was like they don't have the tools in here for me to get clean i'm gonna go get clean by myself and then come back and i was like you're not coming back isn't technically all drug addiction a shopping addiction yeah buying too much because you're buying too much drugs yeah it's exactly the same yeah maybe

yeah have you seen the whale that food addiction everything's an addiction we're not letting that stand as fact without ripping it to fucking bits no one's ever been like in a house with like eight other Amazon addicts at 11 in the morning

on Sunday going we've just got to stop buying stuff they definitely exist I'm on prime Amazon I bet it is oh yeah oh yeah

lockdown I got like that I was one so I'm just going to go and buy something my dad's Parkinson's addiction he's addicted to his Parkinson's. He can't shake it.

Michael. Hi, dad. Sorry about that. I know you're suffering with it. But his medication makes him obsessive and it shows itself, not in paternal love, in eBay shopping.

And he's like, my step-mom has had to go, right, that's enough because he just got, he zoned in. On eBay? I didn't even know eBay was still going. You love eBay.

You're an eBay addiction. Yeah, but his medicine made him, so he had to have a little break, kept buying like watches and stuff. I don't think Rolex. At one point, my dad used to buy broken household appliances. Why?

To fix them and sell them on a profit. Did he do it? No. He just had a house full of broken appliances. I came home from the Edinburgh Festival, he was like, I've got 12 of these in the kitchen. This is the best line ever. And I went, why? Because I'm going to fix them and sell them.

And I went, you're going to sell them? And he went, you're going to sell them? And he went straight to his face. People need hoovers. And that's how he became a billionaire. People need hoovers. People need hoovers. I mean, they do, to be fair. They do? Mate, if you're buying a hoover from a guy called Mick

down the block you gotta literally oh jeez I can see him saying that as well people need to I

so I've had a bit of an addiction thing but I went and saw a therapist on my own because one of my things was I would hate to be it's funny isn't it

because you rationalize your own addiction by going yeah I know it's bad but it's not as bad as that guy I didn't want to be in a drug therapy thing with some guy going, I sold my baby.

You know, like, I just- Hello, Dave. Hello. I sold my baby. I've done so much crack. First mistake was going to rehab in Columbia. Wow. I mean, that is high risk rehab, isn't it?

Right, you need to go to, what an intervention that would be. You need to go to rehab, Dan. Right, cool. Bogota or nothing. It's Bogota, but okay. Is it? Yeah.

Is it Bogota? Yeah. What's that? Close enough. It's a French joke. Oh, is it? Okay. Sometimes I don't get the references.

Wait, I didn't get that at all. No, it's fine. It's you and me. Cut that. Anything me not getting, cut. All right, Lloyd. Yeah, I think't get that. No, it's fine. It's you and me. Cut that. Anything me not getting cut. I like lines. Yeah, I think it's not because you had an alcoholic parent as well. I think when you're raised with addiction, you only see like the very worst.

So you're like, well, there's no way on that because I wasn't like, you don't see your parents get progressive. You see them like starting pretty bad. Oh, yeah. Because you're coming in when they're already like fucked yeah so to me i was like an alcoholic is this my dad so i didn't see myself as one for ages because i'm not that bad oh that's you yeah yeah so as long as i don't drink in the house i'm just like a social butterfly yeah i think of the pub seven days a week 12 pints of Guinness a day and that's that's. That's not doing any damage. But if I have one whiskey and Coke in the house,

problem, get to the house. Do you think that's why everyone's homeless with the problem? If I go home, this is a fucking nightmare. But I sleep in the old BHS fucking doorway. So that's not a problem. I'm a social butterfly. I'm a really social butterfly.

I know loads of people in me dog. So that's dangerous, isn't it? To me dog so I that's dangerous isn't it to go oh that's bad but I'm fine because I'm in this area that's yeah I like a drink

but and you like coke do you no I'm yeah but I've you know I'm trying to work on it a little bit

but when everyone said bogota in my head I was like I don't do any drugs really coke Charlie sniff

beef you know hang on that's odd don't do any drugs really coke, Charlie, sniff, beef you know all of it my mum hang on lads that's odd oh no don't don't do it because he's going to have you on there don't do it

don't do it because he's fishing don't be cut that out how long have you been sober? one year and a bit has it improved your life this i mean this 100

sincerely i am the happiest i've ever been i wake up every morning and i'm like buzzing to be alive very hard to believe that people get very threatened by that because they're like no there's something wrong with you never felt happiness before i was like that's just the way things are but the first six months was terrible it was so boring it was so shit didn't feel anything good the only reason i didn't drink again was because i was like rehab was so expensive my insurance covered it nothing will like i'll never get to do this again um but yeah something like switched and i'm fucking i'm like peaceful man like i feel content with life have you had to zone some friends out and gain some new friends or is it same old crew and they've just adapted yeah i thought that because i was like all my drinking

friends they're not gonna be able to handle this like everyone was completely fine um all of them were like you needed to stop, but nobody said it at the time. They probably did say it at the time. Shh, shh, shut up. What is rehab?

What do you do? 30 days. A lot of it's colouring in and like, they're like, can I use those? It pretty much is. It's that, I went to a priory,

which was like, it was nice. Insurance covered it, but the guy with a, which was like, it was nice. Insurance covered it, but the guy with a shopping addiction was paying for 30 grand. Surely that's a counterproductive. Just buy it. Put it on a credit card.

He's been four times. What happens if you get addicted to rehab? This guy was going to another rehab after it. So maybe he was doing back-to-back rehabs. The shopping guy. So he he was doing back-to-back rehabs, the shopping guy. So he was addicted to rehab? Probably. He was one of the most annoying people I've ever met in my life.

Hated this guy. Also, one day, so we had to write in our diaries every day, which I fucking hated, because addicts are the most self-involved people ever. And so giving them a fucking floor every morning to read out their diary you'd just be going on for eight hours like and this one guy the shopping guy he was like I almost relapsed last night he's reading out his diary I almost relapsed I looked up Maurice's book and this is

before it was out and he was like I saw it on Amazon and I thought you know this will make her feel really good I'm gonna buy five thousand And I pressed, I went through the purchase. I almost pressed purchase. And then I stopped myself. And then we all had to congratulate him for like stopping his addiction. And I was like, dude, that would have done so much for me.

It's so much. Why aren't you like well done for stopping, for knowing your trigger and not doing it. I love that he can go on Amazon. Like I'm here for shopping addiction. Have you got your phone and your credit card with you? Yeah.

But I'll be fine. Keep me away from the tuck shop. Is that what it is? Yeah, like just a stupid amount of things. I don't know. I didn't really want to give him much like air time because I think his addictions were bullshit.

So I didn't get into it really. He must be a rich man. He's so rich. Yeah. And he was like, I'm so miserable. I'm so rich and I'm so sad. And I was like, give it a rest, mate. Were there some good eggs there as well?

Have you kept in touch with anyone? No. I had to cut them out because they were being so annoying that i just lied and said i really laughed because i didn't want i know it's so bad so bad that's so good just to get out of the whatsapp group yeah because they were just one guy was wrecking my head uh and so i said that and it didn't even stop him he was like oh i'll bring you to meeting and i was like no you, I'll bring you to a meeting. And I was like, no, you won't, man. I'm not, I'm staying drinking forever.

And I did feel bad after. I was like, this is not, it's not good for my recovery to lie. Pretend you haven't recovered. I honestly think there's some lies are justified sometimes. I did TV warm up once in Manchester, probably about, must have been

just before I met my wife, so about eight, nine years ago. Was it for Gok Wan? And it was not for Gok Wan, it was for a sitcom, and they'd lied. They said it was like an audience warm-up, which I don't mind, but sitcom, I've done it a couple of times, and it's the most soul-destroying thing. You're on about 35, 40 times for a minute at a time there's just no way you can sustain being good you can start well and then it just falls apart and i'd basically said to my agent i had an agent at the time never book me in a sitcom warm up again i just do not want it i don't care how much it is it all been set up it was like five six hundred quid good money not knocking that got there and you know when you walk in and go this is a sitcom this is a sitcom it was like on set and it was a sitcom what was the sitcom it was a i can't

remember what it was called it was three girls it was going on bbc3 and it was set in a pub it was like a pilot and uh i was like i'm i need to get out of this drifters no no i need to get out of this so i made up a lie that was so humiliating i was like i have diarrhea and i've i've had an accident i need to go i just in my head i was like if anyone no one's gonna go that guy's lying because i basically went to an attractive floor manager and producer uh i've pooed my pants and what what did he say? And I need to go. And he was like, here's my number though. And here's a scarf.

You'll need it. I think some lies are just justified. Honestly, I felt no embarrassment. I was like, I want to get out of here so much. I can't remember the last day I didn't tell a lie. Everyone lies all the time.

What happens if you're just like, cool, just go and wipe your arse and come back? What, if you've got diarrhea? It's just go and wipe your arse and come back? What, if you've got diarrhoea? It's just not a wipe and it's over, is it? Oh, do you mean like you kept pooing? I think it is.

My permanent diarrhoea is so well documented. I thought you said like you pooed your pants and you need to go home. I said I've got diarrhoea. I went, I've got diarrhoea. This is easier

if you listen to everything. What, you shit yourself? What, you fucking shot someone dead I don't think that's a good enough excuse to get out of it if someone rang me and said I've got diarrhoea I'm not coming to your

birthday party I'd be like we've got a toilet piece but you were there weren't you you were on I was there I literally went

I've got I've got diarrhoea and I've I've got to I've got to go my response would be well you either when you got here

so tough shit right it's the opposite of tough if anything I just I don't think I think you got here, so, tough shit. Right. It's the opposite of tough, if any. I just, I don't think,

I think you underestimate how much it took for me to just go, I've literally, I'm going to poo my pants right here, right now. And they were like, yeah,

you can go. That's a threat. I would have done. I hate sitcom warm-up so much. Is the word, I'd be like, I will drop my kegs.

Even though I didn't have diarrhea and I just forced one out I forgot to tell you is that on the page and I did threaten a Starbucks member of staff with pimp it on the floor

in New York wait this trip yeah the one I've just been on I just went in and was like where's the bathroom what's the code

for the bathroom because I've got a thing on and she goes the toilet's for customers only have you bought a coffee and I went a coffee? And I went,

a coffee? Were you there? Have you been working at Starbucks? Have you bought a coffee? Okay, she went, the toilets are for customers only. Oh my God.

Have you bought a coffee? What do you want? A macchiato or what? What are you fucking doing here? That was it. That's New York, isn't it? Oh my God. The code.

This guy wants the code. You didn't threaten to poo your pants. Come on. You're representing Liverpool. Lad, I will shit right here. They don't know I'm Scouse. They all think I'm fucking Irish, Scottish or Syrian they're not blaming Liverpool

for my bowel movements and she went you went to Twilight for customers only I'm only 21 it was her first day 17 and I said I really need to go.

And she goes, customers only. And I went, listen, I need to go to the toilet. So I can either do it here or in there. And she goes, 1906. Which is when she was born. Oh my God. I think if you're threatening to plop, you're getting what you want.

You're getting out of the sitcom warmup and you're getting the code. You said before you missed the toilet in New York. I missed the toilet you bought me. Oh, I thought you meant you physically missed. No, I didn't like poo on the floor. I was, you know, I was... You were missing it.

Nostalgic for the toilet I have at home. I had a really good time when I first got back. You lived in New York? No. Oh, you lived in the States? Yeah, in LA and Chicago. Oh, sorry, babe. You lived in LA.

Oh, Jack, just got back from Chicago yesterday. Do you like it? It's great. Shy city. Shite. Yeah. What made you go to the States i've always loved america me too growing up everyone shits on it and i always i knew like i'd love it there yeah remember like i can't remember if you read it somewhere or saw it in tv show where you

saw the cereal they had as a kid yeah it. Where it was all like marshmallows and cookies and all this shit in the cereal. And they're all like green, red, yellow and blue. It's not just like fucking, oh, another brown flake. It's like, it's a dinosaur and it's green. What? So I was like, I think I'll like America. I went there after college.

I did a year in Chicago and then I did LA. I lived in Amsterdam for a bit and then I did LA for two years. And that was when I was doing the bits with the old men. Sorry, just, what you're going to have to stop doing, Maurice, is just throwing sentences out there and hoping they go away. So you were doing what bits with old men? Having sex with them for financial

you're a fucking grandad yeah you only read eight pages of the fucking book if you'd gotten into it yeah

I mean to be fair you messaged me and said I'd love to come and have a word at some point I've got loads of really good stories

about having sex with men for money that was your pitch yeah and I was like and you didn't put that in the whatsapp group I'll be honest we're 23 minutes like and you didn't put that in the WhatsApp group I'll be honest

we're 23 minutes in and you have not been boring sometimes you think I don't really I've not read the book I don't wonder where this is going to go not to boring town

I got more than 8 pages and I was being facetious but I didn't finish it because I don't finish anything I don't finish fair enough that sentence I honestly thought that was one of the best bits he's ever done I don't finish fair enough like i'm that sentence i honestly know that was one of the best

bits he's ever i don't finish la how you start having sex old men for money um taylor's oldest time my father passed um he did rest in peace it's in the book yeah and well it started so it started sorry that's not the time to laugh

I thought you did a hiccup I did a I just it was like my father passed so it's the natural thing to stop fucking old men for money

yeah when your mum went when your mum went you were like right I'm gonna bang old Edna I'm gonna bang some old ladies get over here girls that's what over here girls, let's have some fun, get your wallets out. At the funeral.

Get your wallets out. Is that a euphemism? Your prison wallet. No, your prison wallet's your arse, isn't it? Did you get it? I got it, yeah. Hang's your arse, isn't it? Oh! Did you get it? I got it, yeah. Hang on. Carry on, Marisa.

We're very in the lead. Do any of you guys like coconut water? I just thought of something right there. Do any of you guys like coconut water? Do you like coconut water? I feel you're deflecting. Huh? I feel you're deflecting.

I have a question to ask after it. That will be very interesting, I think. Do you like coconut water? I don't not like it. Okay. Do you like coconut water? I don't not like it. Okay. Do you like coconut water? I kind of like it, yeah. You kind of like it?

Do you like it? I don't think I've tried it. Okay. Do you like it? Indifferent. Do you like it? Do you know what coconut water tastes like? Coconut?

Cum. Does it? Swear to God. I knew that's what I was going to say. Swear to God. Swear to God. I only drink it for hydration. Just remembered it, looking at it there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't like it. I only drink it for hydration. Just remembered it,

looking at it there. I hate cum, but you liked it. So you like cum? You hate cum, but you sat there with a bottle of it. Because it's really hydrating.

So I drink it like, despite the taste. You said you didn't like it, right? Straight. Yeah. You're indifferent? I've never tasted cum.

You've never tasted cum? Well, you've tasted coconut water. Yeah, but that doesn't mean I like drinking cum. No, because it tastes cum Well you've tasted coconut water Yeah but that doesn't mean I like drinking cum No because it tastes the same man I know But that doesn't mean I like Does it definitely though

Yeah Ask any girl Go ask any girl After this And they'll be like Yeah Same consistency No

No It's thinner isn't it No It's thinner than cum Can we just get back To the story It's thicker than water. You said you liked it.

I did. Yeah. But you deflected. Yeah. I want to know what happened in LA. Okay. I want to taste coconut water now. Come on, Mila.

Do you want? Give me five minutes. I don't raise my head to drink cum. That's not in the trailer, Carl. It is. Yeah. The trailer. Gargle it.

Does it? Now try it on his face. Oh, he's going to not like it. Look at him the trailer, Karl. It is. Yeah. The trailer. Gargle it. Does it? Now try it on his face. Oh, he's going to not like it. Look at him. Oh, that's disgusting. Coming off the end of it. You couldn't possibly have gone, ooh, lovely, could you?

Barely. I mean, I don't like it, but I can't. Yeah, I'm the same. You don't not like it. I can't. No, I mean, I'd never buy one of them. No. No.

And if it gets in your hair. Really bad. I know this is going to sound disgusting. That's why I'm bald. And I don't mean this to just be disgusting for the sake of it. And I'm preempting it on purpose, okay? It doesn't taste how cum smells. You know like when you sort of done wiping it off?

Does your cum smell? You know like when you wipe it up on a tissue? You know when you've had like a little hangover wank, you've cum on your belly, you've got a tissue, and you wipe it up, and you just haven't got the energy to go and flush it yet, and it just stays in your bedroom for 20 minutes, and there just is a slight little cum aroma. 20 minutes!

I can't smell my cum. Yes, you can. It's kind of like a bleachy smell or something. Yeah, it doesn't taste... Hang on, so you're drinking cum-flavoured bleach? No, we're talking it's scent now oh sorry this is this is strictly so there is a difference between the smell and the taste well i think we've definitely just confirmed that we're never going to be sponsored by coconut water in any form that is that sponsorship gone so la i'm you can't what happened so well it happened it was like a progression So LA What happened? So Well it happened

It was like a progression You know I started Working at a national When I met you You're like John Overtime Like what happens there? Oh no

So I was in Amsterdam My dad had just passed, or AP. And I was DMing, this was way before I got into comedy. I was DMing this comedian I loved in New York. He was rich. He like flew me over to New York a few times, like bought me loads of shit. And I was like, oh my God, this feels great.

Like what a thrill. Then that ended. I'll tell you guys who it is after. And for a second, I was like, maybe my God, this feels great. Like what a thrill. Then that ended. I'll tell you guys who it is after. And for a second, I was like, maybe I'll just say it now. But no, I won't. It's Chris Rock. I'll bleep it out. So then afterwards, I was like, oh, that was kind of fun.

I was in a bad mental state as well. I'm always in a bad, not now, happiest I've ever been. But most of my studies, bad mental state. A lot of drinking. Anyway, just context here um so then i googled i was like hey do you meet rich old men pop that into google and there's websites for that so moved over to la started like do i guess it's like sugar babying it's it's prostitution though but it's like whatever whatever name you want to call it

sugar babying does sound cooler doesn't it it sounds kind of cute you want to call it. Sugar babying does sound cooler, doesn't it? It sounds kind of cute, you know? Like, oh, I'm a little baby. I'm a little baby. You're an old man, let's have sex for money. Crazy. So I started going out with these guys. Oh, and also another content.

I have like, I'm into gross men. Like I am attracted to ugly men. I'm attracted to old men. Like that is my type. It's really. Ugly old men. Yeah. And it's a blessing.

Keep talking. I've loved this first time. Ugly old men. Can you give us an example? Sinead McKellen. I'll tell you one of an example? Sir Ian McKellen. I'll tell you one of my axes. You can Google him. One of the ugliest men you've ever seen in your life.

You can Google him now. We can bleep his name. Just say it. Okay. Oh, I know him. Comedian. Yeah. Would you agree?

One of the ugliest men. I mean, I wouldn't fuck him. No. And I did this for, I did him for free. Oh. Yeah. Oh. So to me, right up my street. Was he? No, he I did this for, I did him for free. Oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. So to me, right up my street.

Was he? No, he wasn't. True, interesting. You will bleep that out, won't you? Absolutely. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would like, I am into like older men, into like an uglier appearance.

Beauties in the eye, beholder. Anyway. So I was going out with these guys. So it wasn't like, I probably would have fucked them for free anyway. And then. I mean, but it must be easy if that's your type. You just go down to a social club. It's amazing.

I mean, you don't have to go. I have no competition. No competition. Every guy I get, you don't have to go. I have no competition. No competition. Every guy I get with, I'm making their lives. Just go to a darts league and be like, lads, what's going on? You could get laid in B&Q. Oh, man.

I mean, most could. We've always asked, I want to know what an old man's willy looks like. We've always wondered. Fine, it's not the... It's the balls. Oh, they get long, don't they? Really long. Every park gets really...

Like, the bum is so sagging. The bum is so droopy. The bum is as droopy as the balls, I'd say. Once you get over a certain age. I can't tell you the image in my head. It's probably correct. They lose the glutes. You've got bum bollocks.

Just like one long back. Yeah. Back down to his knees. To the back of the knees, yeah. Yeah. Legs up to his ass. It's really gross. That part is really,

I'd have to be like, just don't turn around in front of me because that would not. The gobble gobble. If that happens to me, I'm getting a Brazilian bum lift. I've actually thought about this recently. Getting your bum done.

If I ended up with a saggy arse I'd go to Brazil and get them to lift me up get a badonkadonk wow I'd be a white man with a black girl's arse I am I'm so interested in the old men. Well, in Cal.

It's very rare you give us one of them. Cut that out, please. Make that a clip. I do them. And this is on the internet, but they can't use the internet. No, it's on loads of different, because in LA it's like different kettle of fish right right so some of it some of it was a specific website some of it i worked in this whiskey bar that was like a members only whiskey bar so i'd meet a lot

of them there sometimes i just put tinder to like minimum age 50 and you know would just message to be like there's there's certain language with this type of thing and once they respond with the same language you know you're on the same page where you're like I'm looking for a mutually beneficial relationship where I'm taken care of and you will also be taken care of and that was like the language they knew meant like you you will pay me and i will have sex with you so i would do that um and i got like because at the beginning i was like oh i could never i'd have to be really into them and then once you like get into it like once you get that first money it's such a thrill like it's it's the adrenaline like i'm just getting a stack of money

in gc when you said of like when you got that 10 grand when you come from no money and you just see 10 grand in your bank account

you're like I just want to have 10 grand for a bit that's what I felt with getting like 1500 in cash for the first time I was like

I've never seen this amount in cash like it was such a thrill I could imagine fucking for money if I had to not old men but old women

I'd provide a service. Who's getting the money? Me. There's a big wallet in it, 1,500. I could imagine being like, look at the paper I made in here. Yeah, get your kit off, love. Let's go for it.

See you tomorrow. I don't think there's much of a market the other way around. Surely there is. That's not how Adam sees it. That's only because I'm not in the game yet do you know what I mean I'll be on billboards

me love billboards are you an old woman do you want to fuck me call this number so you've done the billboards yeah you can be on a billboard

now then fuck you're on billboards mate if you see Adam in a tea room anytime soon just know it's going fucking weird with his new ass

Mildred do you have any older women listeners? Yeah. You do? No, not super old. No, we do. There's two patrons who are like in their 80s and they live in New Brighton.

Yeah, they came to a show. Oh! I know who you mean. We'll not not fucking them though yet they're not giving us enough money yet new patrons here

oh yeah a grand £12 a month you get one fuck a month for £12 fucking hell you've got to speculate to accumulate

is there any really fit old men yeah in my eyes yeah but they don't pay no some of them did some of them like there was there was a couple that i was like i would be having sex with you if you said right now i'm not giving you any money i'd be like i still want to do it and did you have like like a portfolio going was it just one at a time or was it like how much stocks did you invest in it was diversified yeah there was loads as much as i i mean craig david but with pensioners just like

i forgot that it was just one girl he was banging he was like shagging a different girl every week I'll take the L on that oh I thought he was is he not the one who was like cheating loads the one he caught me on the floor shagging yeah but he's nearly 60 so

lovely does anybody ever not believe you that I've had sex with men no like when you were coming on to them no no every like every man Yeah. That I've had sex with men? No, like when you were coming on to them? No, no. Every man thinks that they are deserving of the world. Right.

Especially rich men. Oh, yeah, I suppose. If anything, some of them would think they were taking a bit of a drop. They think they could have been getting models, you know? Some of these men. But maybe they could with the right money. I don't know. But some of them were. But maybe they could with the right money. I don't know. But some of them,

some of them were like not old though. Some of them, I had sex with some guys that were like my age. It's disgusting. They were the most transactional about it because the other ones

would be like, they'd give you a monthly amount, not like a per time amount. And then you would get them to like buy your shit as well.'d give you a monthly amount not like a per time amount and then you would get them to like buy your shit as well um give you like a monthly amount did you have to have a set amount of sex times in a month you would negotiate yeah because i once i got that monthly amount i'd do my best in that month to never see them like i'd have a lot of excuse my

dad died a lot that year you're not gonna this, but my dad's after passing again. I'm going to have to go home for the funeral. So the monthly thing, they had no incentive really to give a monthly thing because then you're paying ahead. So yeah, you would just do your best to get out of it. But some people would pay per time, but the young guys would always pay per time because to them it was more like, is you know prostitution whereas the old guys were more like companionship no it

was still sex but they're more like it's not about the money is it you really do like me don't you classic craig david didn't make sense the second time i'm just gonna i'm gonna just keep saying i'm gonna by the end of this i'm gonna make a craig deffin i'm gonna craig david reference work um how much may you make it i just now i've got like at the most what were you banking a month um i didn't like take care of my finances so anything that was coming in was going out straight away but i think really irresponsible you have to get someone To look at that So I think the most I mean I was doing this

For like a year and a bit Maybe a year and a half And the best I made Was like over Three or four months Where I was really going for it And I probably made like It was in dollars

But like Between ten or fifteen thousand A month Okay I was doing a lot of fucking Like I don't really I haven't had sex really in the past four years But like my numbers are high

Just from that 18 month period You've used up your quota You haven't had sex like four years No I've had sex like With two people in the past Four years So like the numbers, like I haven't done much numbers in the past four years, but I did so many in those 18 months that like,

I probably have had sex with more than all you guys together. I had sex last year. No more, no less. i'm so interested in this it's mad and i did i'm not saying it in a bragging i mean i was kind of bragging there but i don't know why i was um but it's not i'm not saying that like everyone should do it or anything but it just it wasn't that bad people make it out people sometimes will say to me like they'll try and impose trauma on me where it's like but those men took advantage or you must feel a different way now and it's like not really it was pretty good most of the time yeah i'm not gonna say they took advantage but like when it comes to bragging like if it's like you versus me for example i don't think you your numbers count because like a lot of them were

pay it's old men business do you know what i mean you're like the lot of them were old men. Do you know what I mean? You're like the Pele of fucking. Who are you? Who are you? Ronaldinho. Yeah. No, I'm like a two guy. I only score bangers. Not that many.

Oh, I've seen some tapping. The two guy of shagging. I have seen some scuff tapping. The two guy of shagging. They have seen some scuff tapping some two guy of shagging. They're all worldies from black men. Oh, you're saying that I didn't get the football reference, but you're saying you get way hotter people. Yeah, I was lying. This man only

scores footballs. The two guy of shagging. No one has ever done the analogy, the comparison of two guy and peller. You're like, no, she's like Van Nistelrooy. You're like Van Nistelrooy. You just get the numbers in. No one has ever done the analogy, the comparison of two guy in Pele. You're like, no, she's like Van Nistelrooy. You're like Van Nistelrooy. You just get the numbers in.

I don't watch football. He was a good player. Well, I know, like, I know the hits, like, I knew Pele. You knew Pele? Wayne Rooney. Yeah. Yeah. He was similar to you. See, there is a market.

I'm telling you, it's out there. It's definitely a market, either way. For old women. Yeah. Yeah. Widows need cock. There's not, because I looked into it a bit, because I get with women as well,

and I was like, maybe there's some old women. Did you I got with women as well, and I was like, maybe they smelled women. Did you get with old women as well? I didn't, I tried. Yeah, but maybe they're not... They're not into girls, they won't. Yeah. Yeah, probably, actually. There's not a lot of elderly lesbians.

Oh. Craig David. What do you mean, there's not a lot of elderly lesbians? He's right. Rosin is popular back in day. No, it's not right. And goths popular back in day. No, it's not right. And goths don't drive cars. No, it's not right.

Lesbians don't all die at 48. No. Oh, she's had a good innings, 46. No, but they weren't invented 80 years ago. He's right. There aren't many elderly lesbians. I think you need to... What age is Ellen?

She's old. Who? She's in her 60s, yeah. Ellen DeGeneres. 80s. No 80s. Exception appros, yeah. Ellen DeGeneres. Sandy Totsford's old. She's not 80. Exception approves the rule.

Name four more. Yeah. That woman who... Oh, she died, actually. I love it how lesbianism was invented in 1991, according to Adam and Carl. Come in with the premium. No. No, no, no.

You didn't even know lesbians. Nah, nah, nah. The Soviet Union fell. All the lesbians. Berlin Wall came down. All the lesbians came through. That's how it worked. Fuck, fuck.

Name me a lesbian granny. You don't know one. It was less popular in our grandparents' era. Yeah, it was hidden. Yeah. Women were still gay, weren't they? Yeah. And old people are naturally suspicious of the internet.

So there's not elderly lesbians going on the internet going, oh, come and lick me out. It's just not happening. He's right. I'm right. It sounds like bollocks because I'm saying it, but it's true. What's the book called?

Because people will want to read the ninth, tenth and more pages. Trouble and Memoir. Please buy it. I need it. We'll put the link in the episode. Where's the best place to buy it from for you? Oh, it doesn't mean anything to me because,

I mean, no, it does mean everything to me. Well, I'm just, I'm never going to earn out my advance. So like when people say, oh, don't buy from Amazon, it doesn't, buy it wherever you can get it. Not even, it's not going to be in that many bookshops, the paperback, because Waterstones didn't even buy that it. It's not going to be in that many bookshops, the paperback, because Waterstones didn't even buy that many.

That's where I bought it from. Okay, maybe they did. Retracts. Wherever you can get it. Amazon is fine. Anywhere. Anywhere. All good bookstores.

Or online. We'll stick the link up. Can we stick the link up? The link will be in the description. There you go. do you are you listeners readers yeah yeah yeah this is basically like a book club

pretty rough one there's an audiobook as well but like I'd say it's rough to listen to that but no but it sounds great it does i i like how do you not listen to the last like 40 minutes and i want i want to read this yeah yeah is there a rehab for shagging old men no but you know i i quit them when i quit coke because I got into my head so I went back to Amsterdam I was doing coke like every night by myself in my apartment I was writing my thesis

and then I got in my head I was like this coke because I was always trying to kill myself but not really because obviously I'm still here but it was a lot of like dramatics for me in my 20s and then one day I was like it's the coke that's trying to kill me and then i was like it's the old men that are trying to kill me so i like quit them cold turkey and never never went back oh did you ever like obviously in that way you think of the balls did you ever have a uh an encounter with one of them where they felt unsafe where you felt like a bit this guy's a fucking weirdo um yeah once or twice um there was one guy i went on a first date with who was um a doctor he wasn't even that old he was a doctor um and i just got a weird vibe from

him he kept talking about how high his iq was um and usually i like i'm a good first date like I love first dates I think they're really fun um and you can just sit there and get shit based so like I will usually like get through it um and he was like I'll give you a thousand dollars have sex with me and I was like yeah fine and then before I had ordered as I'd ordered Wagyu steak which I loved ordering then because it's so expensive um because they'd obviously pay for the dates so you could just order whatever the fuck you wanted and before the steak came I got up and left which like he really had to creep me out to walk away from like a Wagyu steak he he grabbed my wrists under the table and he like pressed down on them like out

of nowhere and then I was like he's a doctor though he might just be making sure you're alive that is true i never thought that checking up pulse he pressed down like really like he would increase the pressure pressing down and i was like what are you doing and being chilled out about it i was very like open to everyone's things and he was like i just want to see how much pain you can handle oh he's gonna murder you yeah oh, he's going to murder you. I've cut your foot off. You're still breathing, aren't you? Make a step in the restaurant. What are you doing? To show you. That's your foot.

You didn't even notice. Good threshold. Can I get this bagged up? What would you do for Wagyu Beef? What would I do for Wagyu Beef? The new game show coming to challenge. Thirsty's an eight. Have you had Wagyu beef?

It's fine. And this is back in 2014. You should have seen the guy had to fuck for it. It was Pele. I'll do anything for Wagyu beef. Oh, it's fucking Pele. I won the game show.

It's so good. This is in 2014 too when I was just out. Like no one was eating Wagyu beef in 2014. Shut up out! It's just a quarter of beef. No one knew about that. No one knew. It was just a... Lesbians 91, Wagyu 2014. It's the history of plonkers these are facts

don't google them don't google them have you ever seen a lesbian eating Wagyu not before 2014 only in 2015 Wagyu he's the only first date that I left but I have like a pretty high,

like the weirdest thing I ever did for money. That's not even in the book. A world exclusive, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. So like this is how open I am to other people's things because like this isn't my thing, but this guy was like, oh, I'll give you $500 if you pee on me.

I'm like, I'm not into that at all. But I was like, oh, I'll give you $500 if you pee on me. I'm like, I'm not into that at all. But I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. And we went to a hotel room. And I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to pee that I drank loads of champagne. But then I was really nervous that my pee was going to then be really gross and yellow. And I'd be pee-shamed or something. So I drank loads of water. So I like really needed to go when I was doing it.

And he said, he was like, okay, so here's my boundaries. I feel like people who have kinks always have the strictest boundaries on them. You know, they'll always be like, you can't do this. And here's the list and all this shit. Whereas in regular people- Piss on me, poo on me, punch me in the head. Do not tickle my feet. Yeah, yeah yeah it's always this magic where it's like as

adams they're adams future reference so he said to me i do not want you to pee on my face not my face i want it on my chest do not get on my face i was like yeah whatever um what a lovely role reversal for you. That's actually fantastic. I missed it for a second, but you know what? No. Well done. Thanks. That's what Craig David said.

Still doesn't work. Still doesn't work. Carry on. Keep going. Carry on. I'll get it. So then, so I squatted over him in the bathroom and over his chest and I started peeing and it went on for ages because i had so

much pee to go and i just felt this like power course through me that i imagine like men feel all the time like i felt so powerful i was like i can do whatever i want i can find my car with me country music on i feel like i can take over some shit wait wait i want to know what happened please yeah i went to so then so then i just angled up and I just pissed all over his face. And he was like, no, no, no. And I was just like. Where is he from?

America. America. Do you know someone that this happened to? What? No, the accent sounded a bit more that way. That was just him being like waterboarded or whatever. That was just. Had you already been paid?

I can't remember, but he still gave me the money. Afterwards, he was very like, he didn't bring it up. And because I was like, right, I've clearly went past his boundary here. But he just got in the shower and just washed up. Maybe you've changed his life. Maybe he's now out there in LA doing the same thing. But he's like, when they get there, he's like, only on me face, just on me face. Turns out that's just what I want. Yeah, can you drink five litres

of Evian before, because I really like a pressure washer. Too milky. Well, he never messaged me again, but still did give me the $500. I'd do that. I'd piss on a woman's face for $500. Easy. Yeah.

You haven't done anything? Getting pissed on is different because you're like, oh, I've got to take the piss. What are you doing? Is that a piss? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I definitely wouldn't get peed on, I don't think. Not for $1,000? No. Not now, but maybe then. That wasn't me offering,

by the way. It wasn't haggling. $2,000. I just thought, the thing with pisses where's it going have you got carpets is it

no a lot of the time they go in the bath in the bath or do you have like a it's in a bathroom yeah but it was in a hotel right yeah you're not doing

your own fucking oh if I was in a hotel do it on the bed oh you don't want to do it on are you going to sleep in the bath oh no

just leave well you don't want to do it on laminate. You have your fucking ice getting off it. It's awful. Awful. I've started to come up as well. A bit of damp.

Yeah, you've got a bit of piss damage. You're not even allowed to mop a laminate floor. Never mind. Piss all over it. Fact. Big deal. Big deal. Would you do poo?

What? No. Poo? Poo's the next step, isn't it? Yeah, but if you... I think it's a big step, though. Yeah. From pee to poo.

Do you reckon? It's a jump. It's not a short walk. It's a long jump. No. I'd say it's quite close. No. In terms of, like, the exit, yeah,

but, like, not in terms of the event. I think I would be too, I mean, I wouldn't do any of this now. This is a very long time ago I was doing this just to get that out there. But I think with pooing, I never,

because I'd be too nervous of like what is going to come out of me. Yeah. Because you can't be certain that you're going to have like a picture perfect poo. No. You might have like a really gross poo.

Not with your history. Yeah, like I think if a girl accidentally weed on me in bed, I'd be like, okay. Yeah, like she just got over excited.

What's a dog? It happens. Like Wallace. But if she shits all over me, I'd be a conversation. It'd be a cut. Yeah. Proper chat.

What if she said, Adam, poo on me? I'd say, honestly, you don't want that, love. No, I do. I do. What?

Just go on, poo on me. No, honestly, I don't like... This is a hypothetical one, by the way, in the past. No, listen, love. Like, I just, like, I can't do that to you.

Like, I flush the toilet before I look at it. No, I want it. Well, I don't, I flush the toilet before I look at it. No, I won't. Well, I don't, so... Just trust me, no. Five grand. No? Okay.

One did poo on me once. The code's 1906. A woman pooed on you? Well... Oh, she pooed near you. I bummed her in she shit the bed, yeah. This has been a particularly gross one this afternoon. Even by our standards.

Even by our standards. He said that so matter of fact. Did that happen? Yeah. That does happen. I don't do that, but that is like the price of pay, isn't it? It's obvious, isn't it? Price of business.

Of course it happens, yeah. No shame in it. How did you handle it? Were you like, it's okay, baby? He was like, get out. That's the wrong thing to do, isn't it? It is the wrong thing to do. I regret it.

He put her in the shower and she pooed in the shower. That's the truth What? That's true innit? Don't know Carl So Maurice's book is available on Amazon She did Let's have a little break

it's part four and i've got a train to catch in 40 minutes so this one's going to be a 20 minute section but you've got a bumper section in the last one so quit your fucking moaning also the podcast free fuck you it's a bit boring though isn't it that section lack something I thought it was a bit vanilla sometimes I just think

we just put it in the fair way and we need to go in the paint a little bit in the rough a little bit of advice is needed do you give good advice

I mean you've lived a life terrible advice oh great good but you'll fit in brilliantly Cloughdog says Alright Lids

Just a question I have a dilemma I've been speaking to a lady Who I met on a dating app For a few weeks ago She seemed sound And was going well We had fun on the phone

With each other If you get what I mean But not really But after we met They rang each other He was wanking She was flicking herself off And they were moaning

It was probably a ball pool Yeah yeah yeah It's probably a ball pool. It's the dirtiest possible option. But after we met... Why would you not just have a date? No, fun on the phone means sexting, sending dick pics. I fully apologise. Like back in your day, when you'd draw yourself wanking

and post it and wait three weeks to see if she sent you one back. It's because I'm old. But not too old. Fun on the phone. Fun on the phone is I'm doing a naughty thing. Fun on the phone? Yeah. What did you think of us? Just enjoyable text messages.

That's witty. A gif. I was cocked. But after we met and she said she wasn't sure about me as i'm five foot five even though she's only like five foot two she said she wasn't happy with me being that tall but wanted to see how it goes should i just fuck her off here or what love the pod lads keep it up what's his question say that again he's a shorter guy and she's she's vocalized it should he end the relationship.

Yeah, they've been seeing each other. Everything's been fine. They've had a little fun on the phone. Met. She was like, bro, you're too short. You're too small, you. Yeah, fuck her off. Yeah, it doesn't work the way it does.

What's your thoughts on the short man, tall man thing? Have you ever had any preference? No. You're just not arsed? No, but I love a little short guy too. I think they're so cute. And also, if they're older,

they start shrinking. They do get a little bit smaller, yeah. Or caps. What do you think about caps? What? Don't you? Come on.

What? Hey. She said old. Don't. Are you talking this old guy with a cap? No. You're not that old.

He's like old man caps, right? Your arsehole's only halfway down your thighs. Thighs! Have you not, so you're not, but how tall are you? 5'4 or something. So you're like average lady? Yeah but I've gotten a guy, one of the people that I've gotten with before, I was about to get more specific but then I went general, he was like 5'1", and I thought it was so cute. So yeah, like I'm 5'5", isn't, no, it is on the shorter. Wait, what height are you?

5'9". 5'9". I think 5'9 is about average. I'm 5'8", 5'9 is about average. I'm slightly below average. I don't think, I'm shorter, but I've never felt like a little man. Do you know what I mean?

Like I've got 5'5", 5'6". Occasionally I feel like, oh, I like a little man. Do you know what I mean? Like I've got five, five, five, six. Occasionally I feel like, oh, I'm a little bit short. Five, one. Yeah, you are short. Like that's mad, innit? It's smart, but like I thought he had a great little personality on him. You can't say that. A great little personality.

A great big, a great whatever. Just a great personality. Size. Personality, you want to call it. A great personality personality and the cutest little shirt but like what a loser that girl to be like she's not even saying no she's just going maybe we'll see don't know if i like this or not it's like make your decision I mean it's Cluff Dogs absolute red flag can go for anything else because that's rough innit yeah this is fun

this is fun wow wow you're only three inches taller than me don't vocalise it that's rough innit no it's rough yeah she's a twat

tall though I think honestly I just think I look at like the short girl incredibly tall guy I think if I was a lady i'd be like i'd

go for a short king before i went for an nba fucking center well the logistics sometimes when you see some of those basketball players that their little girlfriends it's like how does that even i know it'd be like one of those massive dildos yeah yeah like how is that logistically apparently basketball players often call small girls they date spinners. Because they can actually put them on their cock and spin them. Like a Beyblade. Do they really? Have you made that up?

That's where Bey comes from. Beyblade. Wow. Wow. I just believed it. Maybe she could spin him around if he's like a little short guy

who's probably a reverse let me just think about logistics of that that is going to take some athleticism she's going to

have to be laid down and he's going to have to be balancing on his dick and then she's like woo

like one of those little spinny acts yeah maybe not I don't think it's going to work no yeah she sounds like a cunt yeah don't ever vocalise somebody you don't think it's going to work. No. Yeah, she sounds like a cunt. Yeah, don't ever vocalise somebody.

You can't change it. He's maybe overweight and he could go, oh, do you know what? I'll get him. He can't grow, can he? Yeah, but also if someone's overweight, don't be doing that. I'm not a second date.

Hey, you, you're all right. You're apart from the fact you're a big fat twat. Anyway. Oh, you're also saying he could go, fuck you and get in shape, but he can't go, fuck you and want to grow six inches. Just don't make people feel bad about doing securities

you get two extra inches out of it she sounds like a not nice person he should point out something in her before he ends it too oh I love how

you've just gone toxic that's so have a word yeah I am small aren't I and yeah no no it's not a problem we can still date you little tiny sissin flat arse bitch

anyway yeah give something to leave her with something to be mulling over like she's done to him. Yeah. Yeah.

You've got a small thod. Say that. Like about her forehead. There's something she can't change. Yeah. And your elbow's horrible. You can get a forehead job. Do you want to go to the park?

Forehead. I suppose women. Five-edged, you call her? Yeah. Yeah. You don't even have to go physical. You could say something like personality. Oh, yeah. You don't even have to go physical. You could say something like personality.

Oh, yeah. Be like, you can't even do maths, you stupid bitch. Yeah. Oh. Wow. That would stay with me. You're quite short, aren't you, babe? Yeah, but you can't even do maths, you stupid bitch.

Go to the park. That would hurt. She's an accountant. She said that. No, meet her parents and do it. Go, your dad's a bit of a gobshite, isn't he? Anyway, do a part. Just as you walk away,

just go, oh, wow. How are we going to get out of seeing them again? Yeah. The parents, yeah. Cunts. No, stay with the parents. Do you pick up that they don't really like you that much? Yeah.

I love it how just to fuck this girl off, you're meeting the parents. Get engaged. Get married. No, no, no, no. Get married. Get engaged and stand her up on the wedding day. No, no, no, no. Get married. Get engaged and stand her up on the wedding day.

No, no. Have kids. Live with her for 60 years and then die without life insurance. One nil. Shag her dad.

I'll shag her dad. There you go. There you go. There we go. It'll cost you one Wagyu steak. What have we done this for?

You said I'm short once. Don't forget. Don't go to park. We'll do some other words. Rhianna Bowman says, Hi Lids, girlfriend of Max, who used to run a golf club here. Do you remember Max Rutherford?

With the lion in the... Yeah, something like that, yeah. This is his girlfriend, Rhianna. While he didn't get to shag a lion on the golf course he has now grown an 80s porn star mustache just wondering what your opinions on 80s porn star stashes are

tashes I thought she said stash if you're against them what's his dad's got an 80s porn star stash oh has he if you're against them

you have to have a word with him and he has to shave it off if you for it he can keep it for a word with him and he has to shave it off if you for it he can keep it for a bit longer keep it lad so we're literally the judgement

on whether Max Rutherford is getting rid of this tash I'd like this also so add my dad into this a lot of women have a lot of opinions on this my dad facetimed me

a couple of weeks ago I've not spoken to him for a few months facetimed me out of the blue and this is what he's rocking at the minute oh wow your dad's fit you know the handlebars is he oh well he's not bad oh dear that's quite a oh god he's single he's single is your mom is a divorce or dead uh it's divorce

beheaded beheaded died yeah divorce beheaded no she no, she's survived. She's fine. What is it with these women with these toxic opinions on the men? His body, his choice. Nah, hang on, hang on,

hang on, hang on, hang on. That first one, I don't think we can group Rihanna with, I don't think Riri is getting grouped

with little short king abuse lady. She didn't say that she hated it, did she? She loves Max. He's growing attached. I think in a nice relationship,

you're allowed to be like, mate, what? Like Laura, my wife, definitely loves me. I cut in a goatee and it wasn't good. Her response was pretty, I mean, these guys absolutely ripped me to shit, but she was not impressed. That doesn't make her abusive.

I think you're allowed to state a preference and be like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Aren't you? Really? You need to be attractive to your partner, don't you? You have to make an effort to do that. But if she was turning around going,

I'm binning him off because he grew a tash, that's toxic. But this is like, lads, can you have a word? No, you bin him off if she went, I don't like it. And he's like, fuck you, I'm having it anyway. Then yeah. She's like, I'm not attracted to you no more. I think some lads pull the tash off.

Your dad pulls it off. Oh, hello. Oh my God, my dad's getting it. Big time. That moustache looks really good. If you've got a good, thick moustache, then I think it's good. Okay, so do I need to apologise to him?

Because I rinsed him for that. Melissa's coming in to promote her book and she's going to end up shagging her tins, Dad. It's a good look, isn't it? What age is yours, Az? 60. Hello. Yeah, that's not bad.

A bit young. I haven't gone near another man in a while, but... I'll book you some flights. Let's make a fucking night. He lives in Turkey. He can't read English. Don't relapse. He can speak English.

Where is he from? Turkey. Okay. He's a billionaire, though. Turkey's billionaire. Is he rich? He's got great teeth. He's very rich. He runs Istanbul Airlines. Is he rich? He's got great teeth He's very rich

He runs Istanbul Airlines Is he rich? No Oh He's Turkish rich I nearly fucked him then That's not rich Honestly

We had some interviews here For Jobs the other day That lad who came in Was it Cameron? Great Tash He was working it But he works I think if you're a hipster

You can pull off a tash. You've got to be tall. Yeah, you have. You have. You actually have. To combine these two problems, you can't be five foot one and have a porn star muzzy.

Cluff dog, you're out. Don't be fucking shaving in a tash. I think if you're six foot three or above, you can do whatever you want. Spinning girls on your dick growing a tash yeah you know

take a girl out on Monday do what? do something shaggy just chill on Sunday fuck get it in you just have a conversation if she's like listening

and not attracted to you no more and you go cool I'll get rid of her but if he says fuck you then you know leave him any bigger problems if he's talking to you not attracted to you no more and you go cool I'll get rid of her but if he says fuck you then you know leave him any bigger problems if he's talking to you

like that apparently I've heard right because obviously beards are a bit all-encompassing but apparently

I've heard women talking apparently he's heard women talking in your head it would be so good if you had voices in your head

and they were just women talking it is a lot of the time. Adam. The gangbang. The cue at the gangbang. Apparently, Have you shown yourself, love?

Apparently, porno muzzies are good for cunnilingus. Oh, man. Porno what? Cunnilingus. Moustaches. Apparently, a moustache can tickle the clit. Dan, have you got a sound for that? I like a bit of cunnilingus. a sound for that? I like a bit of...

Oh, well done. I love a bit of conilingus. Apparently that's true. Like the muzzy sort of, you know... It tickles the keys. Maybe it does. And that's the moustaches. It's extra foliage, isn't it?

Yeah, that doesn't always... If you're in there, it's an extra you know yeah that doesn't always alright if you're in there it's an extra tickle isn't it right I've never experienced scololingus

I honestly I don't think this sounds mad I think I really don't suit being clean shaved but there's not many

people I don't suit it at all but there's I don't think anyone's doing that anymore who's grown like oh yeah there's not many people. I don't suit at all. No, you don't. But there's, I don't think anyone's doing that anymore. Who's grown, like,

oh yeah. I meant grown men. I meant grown men though. What age are you? He's 14. He's an intern. 24. Yeah, but you've got a bit of stubble.

Yeah. Maybe you should grow one. If you have one in your dad, that'd be so cute. Your dad walking around with little mustaches. We'll go around and match in outfits.

Yeah, I mean like we can lick out girls really well or whatever he's saying that's not what we were saying no he's got to

keep the tash repeating that phrase walking around with people 24 year old man we can lick out girls really well yes we can

is that why you've not spoken to him in a few months what because that was the last thing we said to each other. Yeah, it wasn't far off. Rihanna, get it on your bumhole or your clit.

That's the advice. That was the muzzy. You know what? Get it on. Maybe you've just not put it in the right places. It's not always aesthetic. Yeah, that's really good advice. Functional.

It's a functional muzzy. Hi, Lids. Can you have a word with my boyfriend, Danny, from time to time? I'm partial to the occasional sweet treat, a dairy milk bar here andids. Can you have a word with my boyfriend, Danny? From time to time, I'm partial to the occasional sweet treat, a dairy milk bar here and there. I'll have a couple of pieces, then come back to it in a few days.

When I go back into the cupboard a few days later... Murderer! Murderer! Oh, he wants two pieces of a dairy milk and goes, no, that's enough for now. See you in a few days. Sell a safe to kiss. Fucking, where are the bodies out of

here girl what are you talking about that's nonsense self control I would have to learn I can't have

dirty milks in the house never mind open the fuck is wrong with this woman if you've ever sellotaped a bag of crisp bag

together that's her that's her new line isn't it yeah I think I'm this person now. Why would he? Can I just have a word with one person? Whoever decided to

put, like, this bag contains four portions. No. Whatever size package you get is one portion. Yeah. It's one portion. Like a big share bag of crisps. 20 nuggets is one person's nuggets. Yeah. It. Is a portion of crisp. 20 nuggets is one person's nuggets.

Yeah. Yeah, but they never... It's called a share box. Oh, it's called a share box. What does it suggest? How many people? No, but it says on the front, share box. Yeah, the serve six tiramisu was never... I never had five mates who I was sharing that with.

That was daddy's tiramisu. This tub of ice cream is 100 calories, as long as you don't need sniffing, put it up your arse. Pollocks! No, that's how good... That's a Slimming World trick, though, isn't it? Put it up your arse. need sniffing and put it up your ass. Pollocks! No, that's how good... Same suggestions. That's a Slimming World trick

though, isn't it? Just sniff it and put it up your ass. Yep. Fucking stupid. This is from Eve. She's asking us to have a word with Danny.

Yes, I do. When I go back into the cupboard a few days later, the wrapper is always there but no chocolate inside as my idiot boyfriend has demolished it

and leaves the empty wrapper there the thing is he's not even a massive chocolate fan it's what riles me up I sometimes hide it but he sniffs it out somehow also

he has this stupid fucking habit I'm stinking of chocolate he has this he has this stupid fucking habit of when eating eggs he cracks them

just let me finish the fucking thing I feel like this is a surrogate you know then puts the empty shell back in the box is this normal because his mother

does it too I've told him countless times not to do it but he doesn't listen am I being unreasonable or is he being a bellend the thieving twat

did introduce me to the pod though which we watch every evening keep up the good work that's from Eve Maurice we'll take your take on this

if you don't mind I feel like it's a bit unfair now because we've had three in a row that the women have been in the wrong

so it feels like this is it's almost like women are always wrong you know what I mean I'm not being

misogynist I'm just saying it looks like you know the one we filtered the only women that are right are the ones

in Adam's head can I add to this list by the way people who have the little tea bag plate in the kitchen they can all die why? put it in the bin no you're wrong

you're both wrong here's why where's your bin? in my kitchen right how far away from your kettle is your bin? it couldn't how far away from your kettle is your bin it couldn't be

fair enough like it's just there how far is it two steps right okay two steps too many sir okay

because when you take the tea bag out of the cup of tea it's wet and if you take it across the floor at that stage it drips onto the floor shut up

a smart man with a leg and spoon they sit with it on the spoon but if you leave it on the little teabag plate for a bit, it dries out and then you take them over later and empty it.

But you don't have to clean the teabag plate? It's just the same as cleaning the floor? It's not. It is because the teabag plate isn't. Yeah, but you have to

clean the teabag plate eventually. He doesn't. He just buys a new one. It just moves flat that pile of tea bags is out of control time to move and I've lost a deposit

my kids will get the last bag of crisps they're young but it makes me want to put them up for adoption they just get the last bag of crisps out of the multi-pack and then just leave the empty multi-pack I think that sounds about normal to me. That's annoying.

Oh, lads, come on. No, the best move, the best move is when you eat loads of biscuits, but leave the last one so you haven't eaten them all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't have to go to the bin. You just twist it off.

Have you eaten all the biscuits? No. This one there, actually. I saved you one. Yeah. You're welcome love do the spin on the top bam wallop

it's all just lazy good moves putting the eggs back in the box is weird you're on Danny's side here who's Danny? Danny's the one who's eating the chocolate he's talking about himself well I live by myself so I don't empathise at anything that anyone's saying

but who cares he could be doing so much worse to you I don't empathise at anything that anyone's saying but I just think like who cares he could be doing so much worse to you like men men could be murdering us

hang on they could be beating the shit out of us they could be I am on air stop not with him here

no no that is not I don't listen yeah I am drunk and I'm seven hours late but you're alive

aren't you love fuck off I'm gonna kill late but you're alive aren't you love fuck off make my dinner there's a fucking hammer in the garage am I using it I've got it on me I've not bashed his head you should be lucky

yeah I've cheated on you but I haven't used the hammer lucky lady please don't perpetuate that in here because that will just go around But I haven't used the hammer. Lucky lady. Please don't perpetuate that in here because that will just go around. No, we don't kill them actually, don't get it. You know what it's like to live with someone. This is annoying shit.

This is the kind of thing that like just gets on your tits. What was it again? He was eating all his snacks. He's leaving fucking, he's leaving wrappers. No, he isn't. He's eating her snacks. He's leaving hair wrappers after he's had them. My idiot boyfriend has demolished it and leaves the empty wrapper there. Yes. Hair

wrapper. No. From her thing. What, so he finishes it, so it's her wrapper? Yeah, because he leaves it to go. Shouldn't have fucking left it here, should you? And he's not killed her with a hammer. We're on Danny's side because he has a penis. Hi Liz, can you have a word with my boyfriend Danny? He has a penis. No, we can't. Shut up, Eve.

Just buy more chocolate. Easter eggs. Do you know how cheap Easter eggs are? Oh, I love Easter eggs. Oh my God. What shit Easter eggs are you eating? I'm doing like three a day. No, the mini ones.

The mini fella. Fuck off. Maltesers. Yeah, Maltesers. Kit Kats. Yeah, but if you're doing this every day, I'm eating an Easter egg. I'm probably eating three Easter eggs a day right now.

But they're 150. That's nothing. I can't wait for you to be in rehab for Easter egg addiction. The best thing about global. Here she is. Fucking hell, it's May. Guess who's back? They're only 150.

Sean Fowler's like, I'll have 10,000. No, I'm going to stop myself. Well done, Sean. Well done. The best thing about growing up, by the way, is going to the supermarket

and buying yourself Easter eggs in like February. Do you know the best thing about growing up? When I was like 16 and I was like fuck off you're not telling me

what to do to my mum and dad right was just being able to have your tea whenever you wanted dad's coming for your tea I've already been the chippy shove your fucking

crispy pancakes up your arse mum I've got soft beverage you can eat that's what 1-0 I'm going to bed mum can we have

a chippy tea tonight no got it already you're not having any pull back and reveal I only had one but going to the supermarket and buying yourself

easter eggs on any day of the week is the best thing about growing up you're not having that on easter yet and you couldn't argue have you got nieces and nephews

you can't be dropping a £1.50 easter egg when you're I went to see my cousin the other week I dropped 11 quid on a big fucking you're only doing that once you're not buying it exactly every day can't be dropping a £1.50 easter egg when you I went to see my cousin the other week I dropped 11 quid on a big fucking you're only doing that once

you're not buying it exactly every day can't be doing fucking three easter eggs a day at 11 quid a pop that's

that's over a thousand pounds a year I'm a mathematician ladies and gentlemen thank you very much for listening to this week's episode with Maurice

Maurice where can everyone find you online and the book is available on Amazon. Maurice Goffengauen. Trouble. Trouble or memoir. If you just, I say, if you just search that,

don't even worry about the name. Yeah. Because it's just a hard name. So I think it's really easy, actually. I know. Not to spell, not to spell. No. And social media. Do you give a fuck about that? Do you want people following you there? I mean, it's really easy, actually. I know. Not to spell, not to spell. No. And social media,

do you give a fuck about that? Do you want people following you there? I mean, it's my name, so. M-A-R-I-S-E, and then good luck. G-A-U-G-H-A-N? Yeah, man. Both of them right.

It's like fall, isn't it, with a G? Buy tickets to Adam's tour at adamro.co.uk Liverpool is well on its way to selling out so get that quickly Manchester's gonna go

Newcastle's gonna go alright Glasgow is actually flying buy tickets to my tour at dannightingale.com Middlesbrough Shrewsbury

Leicester Oxford Warwick we need you we need you the rest is going to sell out very nicely haveawaylive.com for the haveaway podcast podcast live tickets bye i'm going to london oh we've got we've got a tune let's just you need to go do you need to go yeah just let it let me go. All right, okay. This is from Rhys, who's part of a band

called The Accolades from Glasgow. That's my name. Rhys, Maurice. His full name is probably Maurice. Do you reckon? Yes, go on. I reckon it might just be Rhys. Never mind about that train.

This is their debut single, Inhale. It's not possible. Love you guys. Love you. Love you. Show me, oh show me Why so hard to start crossing my heart I feel you there, once you're close

Though I know my heart, it goes to show I'm on my way down, but I say I love you dear, why don't you stay? I won't go back on what I said I love you dear, why don't you stay? I know I want you, I know I want you now You're never so soon, love I know I want you, I know I want you now You're never so soon, love yn

Why can't we turn our backs to our pride? There's always something in the back of our mind Why don't you look me in my eyes? What's right? That's all that I can say That's all that I can do You put me down I put you up Oh well, I said oh well

Oh come on now, come get it to the end I know I want you, I know I want you now In a toxic love I know I want you, I know I want you now In a toxic man You watched, you watched, you watched, you watched You watched, you watched, you watched You watched, you watched, you watched, you watched What's it all for if I I know I want you, I know I want you

But we didn't have a talk so long I know I want you, I know I want you But we didn't have a talk so long I want a talk so long I know I won't see you I know I won't see you I know you'll never talk to me I won't talk to you No Thank you.