Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #219 with Jamie Hutchinson & Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

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How are we lads? How's it going? Welcome to this week's episode of Have A Word The Podcast. And if you want to see this thing live, we are doing our first ever live podcast shows outside of Liverpool this year. We're coming to Newcastle, Glasgow, Birmingham and Dublin. They're on sale now at haveawordlive.com. On top of that, if you want to see me and Dan do some stand-up, our stand-up tours are on sale right now. You can get Dan's tickets from dannightingale.com. Shows are starting to sell out. And I've got my shows on sale at adamrow.co.uk. I'm going all over the UK, all over Ireland.

And there's now some Europe dates added. Shows are going to start selling out very, very soon. So go and get your tickets right now. I really appreciate it. We cannot wait to see you on the road. And please don't forget, as always, you can become a Patreon of the Have A Wear podcast that we cannot wait to see you on the road. And please don't forget, as always, you can become a patron of the Have A Word podcast and get access to all sorts of extra content and goodies

from just three quid a month at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Dan, what are we sort of giving these people if they sign up? Well, there's a reason we're the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. Every Wednesday, we do a patron exclusive where it's me, Adam, Carl, and the lads. It's an hour and a half of absolutely unfiltered

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and the Patreon specials once a month. This is what sets us apart. They are legendary. We are going to Nashville next week, and we're going to film the entire week while we're over there. And in June, they're going to go out as our June specials for Patreon. We've also got this week's special coming up on Friday the 7th of April. On Friday the 7th of April,

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All of these have a word legends getting pissed up with us in the studio. The Paddy's Day lock-in, the Cinco de Mayo lock-in, the Oktoberfest lock-in. They're absolutely legendary. It's some of the best content we make. You can get it all starting from just three quid a month, patreon.com slash haveawordpod.

Pause the show, go and sign up to that, get the best content on the planet, and then come back and watch this episode because guess what? It's going to be good. It's a belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening

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Have A Word brought to you by Manscaped.com the very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go Ed, get on me.

What are you laughing at? Happy Passover. Happy Passover? It is Passover. Passover. Pot. Is it a weed celebration? It's a pot festival, yeah.

Is it? Yeah. It's exactly two weeks before 420, so... Passover the duchy. Always Passover the duchy to the left, because the right way is wrong. Did you see Finge was smoking Marie Giovanni? Who?

Paul McCartney, sir. He's done drugs. On camera. A Beatle. Yeah. On camera. Doing the devil's lettuce in 2023. Brazenly.

No fucks given. At 81 years old. And then he jacked up. Fuck off. Yeah. Had a big load of smack on camera on Ellen DeGeneres

on the Ellen show he was like if Lennon can do it old fussage how's it show cold do you fancy me now do you reckon he's banned Joko since he's died

John no there's bitterness there isn't there they had a hate fuck do you reckon John's banned Joko oh Paul Paul's gone

get it you girl big hate fuck oh I thought he said banned no he's banned no he's speculating with oh Paul Paul's gone gonna eat you girl big hate oh god I thought he said banned no he's speculating with a Paul McCartney has ever gone to

Yoko look John's gone shot on the back of the head how would you like to have my shot on the back of your head

back of the head it was an execution coward chest wasn't it it's mad that John Lennon made it it is it's not class

but it's was it Mark Chapman yeah it was Mark Chapman but he thought he was John Lennon made it, isn't it? It is, yeah. It's not class, but it's... Was it Mark Chapman? Yeah, it was. Mark Chapman, but he thought he was John Lennon. Then he got matched for the day, too. Mad. What a trajectory for him, though.

It's a gun redemption story, do you know what I mean? Shows you can kill John Lennon, stick it on the BBC. He thought he was John Lennon, didn't he? And he was like, who's this competent to be John Lennon? Yeah. That's why he killed him. Yeah, I knowennon, didn't he? And he was like, who's this competent to be John Lennon? Yeah. That's why he killed him.

Yeah, no, but why didn't he shoot himself then? What? No, he thought, that's a good one. No,

oh my God. He was trying to kill John Lennon. No, he wasn't. He was trying to kill the man impersonating him, John Lennon. He's like,

I'm fucking John Lennon and this guy is getting all my money and he's shagging me wife. I love a doppelganger, man. Would you like a doppelganger? A doppelganger? Yeah. We've all got one, surely.

Oh, yeah, that's science, isn't it? Yeah. Someone in science said everyone's got a doppelganger, man. Didn't they? Yeah. Someone in science said everyone's got a doppelganger. Brian Cox. So technically, there's only four billion.

Everyone's got a doppelganger. Look at this nebula. There's only four billion people in's got a doppelganger. Look at this nebula. There's only 4 billion people in the world. Technically. What? No, a doppelganger's not a clone, Jamie.

It's just someone who looks a bit like you. There's only 4 billion original lucky people. This is what the government's saying. There's 4 billion people, mate. I know the score.

He's on the payroll. This isn't me, mate. This is my doppelganger. Who's counting people, by the way? Matt Chapman. Yeah, who knows? There's 8 billion people. Is it 8 billion now?

Yeah, it's barely. Do you reckon we're going to top out at 9? That's going to be the peak, and then it'll come down a bit. Because people aren't fucking anymore. No one's having babies. That is true. Women want to work instead of raise children

apparently have you read Sapiens it's a callback from the the chocolate dinosaur special which is out now yeah

go and watch the chocolate dinosaur special it's not on camera but Elliot Steel was having like an existential oh my god crisis proper kitchen chat conversation

at the bowling it's like no if you think i've liked the universe what it's infinite but it's closing in he was doing his ray winston impression when he was talking to jamie and me but the backdrop of dan and elliot having a heart a heart to heart about the universe is I'd be cocked up so we were being dead stupid and they were like guys come on we're talking about the universe

is there anything more have a word than people trying to figure out the secrets of the universe while someone's got their cock out it's a perfect backdrop and then I tried to join in the conversation

and I went oh have you that's so interesting have you read Sapiens they went no no I went oh that's so interesting have you read Sapiens they went no no I went nah I mean

bear good points I've read the blurb it fucking looks what is Sapiens is it about the human race about the homos yeah the development of

uh Sapiens like homo erectus yeah the others uh how we got you know all the social skills that we have. We said today, I said, all of them would battle us.

They wouldn't though? No. Because we're the weakest maggots. The fella who's loaded it. Most of us, I agree, but the elite fighters of this world. No, the biggest weapon thing. The mind. Marcus Rashford celebration

he is a weapon just saying do you reckon Brock Lesnar would bat a homo erectus he would it's not even a debate we are better

in every way and also you could trick them because they're all stupid you just go wah wah fuck off mate got your nose on got your nose smell now mate Fuck off, mate.

Got your nose on. Got your nose. Smell now, mate. I think you could get Brock Lesnar with that though as well. Just trip him up. He's a daft twat, isn't he? Are you drinking coffee to his throat? Yeah, because I'm whitening my teeth.

I want to have straight white teeth, Jamie. I'm making my moves on Hollywood Sunshine. I want bent yellow ones, mate, because I think they're going to make a comeback. When were they ever popular? The Victorian times. I'm ahead of the curve, mate. I'm ahead of the curve.

Does that give you straight white teeth? No. Coffee for a straw. No, I've got... Yeah, so here's what's happened. I've got an Invisalign brace, which I'm not wearing right this second. And. I've got... Yeah. So here's what's happened. I've got an Invisalign brace, which I'm not wearing right this second. And then I've got whitening,

which goes into that and whitens the front of your teeth. And if you use a straw, the coffee misses your teeth, goes straight to your tongue and the back of your neck and doesn't darken your teeth. Oh, so it's preventative.

Yes. It doesn't help, but it doesn't hinder. No. I haven't got teeth whitening in my coffee. Okay. That's good to know. teeth whitening in my coffee. Okay. That's good to know. I use charcoal.

I subscribe to charcoal. How much is that? Eight quid a month, but I've used it once, and I can't. Is this to do your teeth, or to heat your house? It's a cold winter, man.

Well, go to charcoal.com, subscribe, 12 quid a month. We'll send you a load of charcoal, and you can cook your fucking dinner on it. There you go, lad. Jamie's eating it. 10% of the cold board, mate.

I'm getting sponsors. Nah, charcoal, because I'm bad at cancelling direct debits. Same. So I've got two Netflix still. What? I've got two Netflix. Who has two Netflix?

Most people have like 0.3 Netflix. I'm a giver, mate. I'm the payer of Netflix. And I've got it free with my Sky so I've got free Netflix next fly what? I had one, my old email jbob59

forgot my password my first ever email was scran underscore 178 so I loved scran but there's 177 others who also love Scran that was me MSN1

and then I went nah come on lad you're 15 now you need to be mature so I said J Bob 59 pretended my middle name was Robert

and it weren't what's your middle name? John but you can't have J John 59 can you? no that's fucking stupid

but I was into Jay and Silent Bob right back oh are you saying Jay Bob yeah J-A-Y B-O-B

I thought you were saying Jay Bod like gay bod oh no I've got Jay Bod Dad Bob he's not homophobic that's a slur

can I say that again not on my watch sunshine come on lad it's Passover I heard it sorry Passover is huge have some weed

and calm down um what's charcoal charcoal's like um what's charcoal it's like a toothbrush yeah no it's it's it's dust yeah you put on your teeth and there's that new purple one oh yeah it feels too weird though feels like you're having... And I know the sensation of this. It feels like you're eating gravel. Yeah, I can't be putting charcoal on. I can't even use Colgate.

I have to use Sensodyne. I can't be going to fucking mud. And I've had gravel. Why? I was made to. Made to? By bigger men. Men?

Men? This is as an adult last week eat the gravel Jamie okay just don't hit me we had an all weather pitch in high school

it was like shale that sort of yeah like the undertones of an astroturf but harder not rubbery and it used to be used

as a pitch and toss court I don't know what you call it jingles maybe jingles yeah so in high school court And it used to be used as a pitch and toss court. I don't know what you call it. Jingles, maybe. Jingles. Yeah. So in high school- Court?

A jingles court? Yeah, because you start off on- Is it in a wall? Yeah. It's the most northern thing I've ever heard. No, because you scrape your leg, your foot, and you create a little square pitch. So there's like ins and outs.

And then there was 10ps, there was 10p's and it went all the way up to the two quids. Because you know, I'm a two quid, do you know what I mean? I was fucking leavened. And the cock of the year. This is in school. It's like the different tables at a casino. £5 minimum bets, £2 minimum jingles here lad.

Get your 50p's away, you tight cunt. Two quid or get out of me fucking shop. That's the way you play, it's on the two quid ones. It's fucking smart. Usually the £2 coin. It's on the two quid ones. It's fucking smart. Usually the two pound coin. Yeah, two pound coin. Fucking hell.

It was quids, wasn't it? Quid was just a standard. Quid, yeah. Quid jingles. We should have a game of jingles in the break. But I was like fucking... And then the cock of the year used to go around and tax all the courts.

Like, oh, you owe me 50p. You owe me a quid. So you win like eight quid. And then, you know, you give two to tax. And you're six quid so you win like eight quid and then you know you give two to tax and you're six quid up where did you go to school? that's wild

we had murderers in our school no one got taxed it was fucking Harlem very sophisticated system wow

yeah it's class mate how is he how is he enforced on that? is he on his own? he's just the hardest kid in school isn't he? but it's it's all based on's he how's he enforced on that is he on his own he's just the hardest kid in school isn't he but it's

it's all based on reputation innit if you said we were enough of confidence I'm the cock of the school then you just

alright you're the cock of the school do you know what I mean I think it all depends on what you look like yeah yeah yeah if you're an absolute fucking dweeb

who's really good at every lesson and then you're just like I'm the cock of the school I'm gonna be like shut up when we had when you start in year 7 there's instant dweeb who's really good at every lesson and then he's like i'm the cock of the school shut up when we had a when you start in year seven there's instant there's a just a two-week four of like the year eights battering you like a war and i got booted down the flight stairs by mr mulligan first name redacted i thought you said a teacher then

First name we dacted. I thought you said a teacher then. Did you not mean a teacher? No. Where did you go to school? Because we had different ties to indicate what year you're in. I know we had different ties for different houses. Houses? So we had Beed.

I was in Oswald. Wait, how did you divide your year? Every school I've ever been aware of has houses. I was in I was in Oswald Oswald wait how did you divide your year every school I've ever been aware of has houses I was bead no we had like

farm but oh really we had into farm I was a vulture yeah so that's yeah that's your house yeah but

it's only for PE like the PE Olympics vulture vulture yeah it was all named after what were the other ones penguin

no it was all like birds. What were the other ones? Penguin? No, it was all like birds of prey. Hawk, eagle. Eagle. Badger. Cougars.

Birds of prey. Birds of prey. And a cougar. Right. Yeah, they're just all, you know, aggressive animals,

basically. Were they given by the school? Yeah, yeah, the other vultures. So we had a good, we had, you know, really mixed bag of teams.

Because that's a good thing within the form. It's a level playing field. Do you know what I mean? Because you have some forms where they have, oh, fucking hell, they've got Scott,

who played for United. Do you know what I mean? But we had- He's back at school after being released. 22 and all, didn't he? He's in the GCSEs.

We had X and Y. Played? Yeah, so we had X and Y played yeah so we had X and Y so X did French and Y did Spanish and never never I was in love with an X girl

that was Y never gonna happen it's not the bloods and the crips love Ross Kemp on Gangs doing a fucking episode of Jamie's School why'd you hate the X lot

they come over here and they take our beards, mate. They're coming trying to shag our women. Speaking French from that lad. Ross Kemp on bands. What'd you say? Ross Kemp on bands. Oh, yeah.

It's quite good. Yeah. No, I don't think it was. I think it was. Yeah, I love school politics. What was your kind of... I can't imagine you in school. Are you exactly the same as you are now? Yeah, was your kind of... I can't imagine you in school. Are you exactly the same as you are now?

Yeah, I was a piss can. I can imagine you in school. Yeah. I was... When did you start drinking? What age? Do you know what? I did...

In year five, I had to move schools, primary schools. My mum fell out with my gran over my dad's nose. Okay. You're going to have to just let me pause you a couple of times when you tell these stories times when you tell these stories because you tell these stories jamie both on podcasts and on stage and i feel like a lot of your you've become a phenomenal comedian the last couple of times i've seen you've been genuinely blown away but you do say things like that like they're just another thing to say like oh so i was

walking to the shop my mom fell out with me now over my dad's nose and then you don't ever mention it again and i feel like there's more meat on the bone that we need to pull apart so before you carry on so we'll go back to the fact you move skills in year five what was it about your dad's nose that upset your mum or your nan to make the other one what where was the disagreement right so my gran was head dinner later yeah oh were you that kid yeah Don Mafioso mate you had heavy shit don't want to yeah but I was a fussy eater

went gran don't want any potatoes no you went you used to eat gravel no I don't want gravel no mash what kind of fussy eater like look I don't like beans

but gravel fucking load me up mate chips and gravel chips and gravel bit of gravy on that yeah so my grandma's had dinner later she didn't really

like me much she's very you know all my kids are perfect can we ask what her first name was June yeah

proper tabard you know what I mean I can see her. I can see her. June, she didn't like you. No, she didn't.

She liked Dick, but she's proud of her children. Is your mum her kid? No, no. Your dad. Your dad's her kid, but she's one of those

where no one's good enough for my lovely boys and stuff like that. When in reality, my dad was punched above my weight, my mum was fit. So,

my dad... It is that wrong with that she was and she put out evidently at least twice and you got one brother yeah yeah

fuck the calf yeah so she was dropping off from school my dad was having an operation on his nose to aid his breathing and Felly roedd hi'n droi allan o'r ysgol. Roedd fy mab yn cael gwaith opereiddio ar ei nos i ddod â'i dechrau.

Roedd hi'n dal i ddod o hyd yn oed yn anesthetig, felly roedd fy mab yn cwmio'r osbital fel, a'i ddod o hyd yn oed yn ddod o hyd yn oed yn ddod o hyd yn oed. Felly pan roedd hi'n mynd i droi allan, roedd fy mab yn dweud, oedd hi'n Mark, ac roedd hi'n dweud, oedd ddim yn gwybod o hyd. Roedd fy mab yn stwmio ar y llyfr, yn dweud, My gran went Oh how's Mark And she went Oh don't know yet And my gran just Stood at the roof Saying you've never Fucking loved my son You've never respected His nose

And Was she swimming She had a ladle in her hand You've never loved my son I'm going back now Doing best stroke You've Never

Loved My Son Right okay So Right doing best stroke you never no bye son right okay so right so my mum's like you fucking bitch that's rough dad

yeah and my grand nana had like dropped handbags and they was arguing outside the school seeing your gran and your nana fight

and stuff it's moody so my mum was like right that's it you're not going to that school no more you're going to to that school no more. You're going to Abbey A, and then in Abbey A,

because in St Clement's, I was really intelligent, top of the class at everything, quite shy kid, and then I thought I need, and then year five, I was crying outside because I was so socially anxious. I was that socially anxious when my cousins used to come round, because they was so socially anxious. I was that socially anxious when my cousins used to come round because they all looked the same. I used to have to lie behind the couch

because they looked village of the dams, sort of. They all had like shaved skinheads. Did they all have blue heads? They all looked like doppelgangers of each other. Do you know what I mean? Okay, so just let me, because I'm a little bit scatty-brained here. So you've been taken

out to school because your nan had a go at your mum yeah about your dad's nose yeah and your mum's just like oh you're not

seeing him again then so because your nan was the head dinner lady at the school your mum was like she thought she's going to feed me gravel and propaganda

great album gravel and propaganda oh a working class propaganda. Great album name, though. Gavel and propaganda. Oh, I'm working class with an intelligent twist. That's a fucking, that's a bit of a rough decision, isn't it? Yeah, I know. You're moving schools.

Yeah, but I mean, it's only around the corner. It weren't, my house was equidistant. Was your dad dead passive then? Yeah, my dad's a doormat. He just, well, not a doormat, he just wants to do his life. If his mum's fit though, makes sense, doesn't it?

Like a lot of men punch above the waist and then just do whatever their partner says because they don't want to lose them because they feel like they'll never punch that high ever again. You know what I mean? Some people. Some people. Some people let their fit partners get away with whatever they want to do.

And other people draw a hard line in the sand and say, no, not on my watch, bitch. Get out of my life. So I went to IBA and I thought, right, this... And I was shaking like a shitting dog outside. But my mum's friend's daughter was in my class. So she... Your mum's what?

My mum's friend's daughter. I my class. Your mum's what? My mum's friend's daughter. I thought you said your mum's French daughter. And look how you say Jimmy is his nose shit. How you say? How you say daddy's nose is broken. Welcome to Abbey A. Jimmy, how you say? And on the first day, I had B&B and biscuits in tin foil.

Oh, chocolate or strawberry? One each, one of each. What an absolute belt of an advert that was back in the way. Yeah, yeah. B&B and... B&B and... B&B and... B&B and... And then someone robbed them off me at break because it's just like new kid like what you're

gonna do that's that's your thing in it so i was like i need a i need it and you were like no you're not having me putting no i give it him and then and then i had a pr spin. And that is when I went from Jamie to Hutcher. Oh, rebrand. Rebrand. Phil Brown on board. Through a pencil. Through a pencil at Miss Simmons, stuck in a perm. Is that, hang on, is that a teacher? Yeah.

Yeah. And it just- Not just a girl from year eight. No. And it just fucking absolute, I think it was my first off-hours break. Have you thrown it, like, fucking the power to it? I just off-hours break have you thrown it like fucking the power's here

I just I just I fuck off and it stuck in a curl and it just it just landed amazing in a curl who's in charge

me or the teacher I think I'm in charge one getting you cunt and then I went oh yeah you're sick imagine he said that she said that

yeah or the class like the hard lads were like oh you're sound oh, you're sound. Oh, so you're now hard. So then I went naughty and then fell in love.

With a girl on my wing. Do you know, I was so close to stopping the nativity. I was the narrator in Nativity 2000 and Amy was in the choir and she was, listen, there was tension there. Not sexual, but you're like holding hands.

How old are you there? 10. It was like, we just want to roll each other's hands at break here. So bad. Cut the tension with a knife. Were you feeling things? I was feeling so much

Hang on, can I just check You felt this way, did she Was it reciprocated? And I've got proof Still now Got a picture of her Got a voice note, tell everyone You want to hold my hand, do it now

Tell them Into the phone She was just a bit part choir girl i was the head narrator head narrator there was a team part and i swear down i had planned in my head i bottled out but i'd planned in my head because we was making eye contact you were gonna do it while narr. I was going to stop the nativity and say Christmas isn't about the nativity. It's not even about presents.

It's about love. And I love Amy. That's what worked. Did you not do it? No. Oh, lad. Pussied out. But I was doing the narration

and just drifting off and staring at her. She was the only girl in the room not even Mary was isn't it mad that some narrators in some context

are called the voice of God and you were willing to impregnate a woman that would have been fucking great that would have been a literal baby Jesus a Christmas miracle

so then a friend Callie came to me at the end of the nativity she went in hindsight I know Amy's told her she went do you fancy Amy I went no girls are gay do you know what I mean I was still in that immature how did it end well so she didn't like you anyway I went no Sam we're just friends

stop stop putting pressure on us we're just friends stop putting pressure on us 10 years of age then we went to high school I'm drafted in Y mixed

drafted yeah she goes to X curtains year 7 goes by it's a fly I've built my social image from the bottom

of the stairwell I'm now halfway up the stairs socially speaking yeah Mr Mulligan Mr Mulligan Shaggy I've

I've come to have my own way and say get off my wife future wife gravel coming out my mouth gravel what gravel I love you Jamie future wife gravel coming out of my mouth gravel I love you Jamie

you had your chance in 2000 so year 8 dinner time I'm queuing up to get a grav bag a grav bag I'm queuing up there's eight kids in front of me we just all love gravel

it was what we did do you know what I didn't know so we used to I used to I was on free school dinners and that so you used to get

a ticket we know did you get the token you used to get a ticket and they used we used to get a little like it looked like a little washer

in Cardinal Inn because I was on free school dinners. £1.37, I caught you. £1.45, us. How old are you? I'm one year ahead of you. You're older than me?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. 32, yeah. Cost of living, isn't it? So we got less. A year later. Anyway, crack on.

And they used to proper like, it was proper poverty shame, do you know what i mean you you was like right free skilled gravel boys line up here's your raffle ticket now it's equivalent at £1.45 now back then we had to deal burger chips in a can for £1.45 called the grab bag now i thought if you got a meal ticket you was only allowed to spend that 145 on a grab bag so i had a grab bag every day for the year and a half so my mate went why did you never why do you always get a grab bag why don't you get anything else went i'm on my own free school dinners and yeah but you you're not limited stretch your eyes and jamie get a slice of pizza

son a turkey Twizzler because I thought it was just I thought it was just a grab bag voucher essentially like you're not good enough for the canteen queue

I never knew what the the voucher what do you call it like a pog token I never knew what that meant so I never thought I was never poverty

shaming our school I always just thought like some kids got them and some didn't I don't know so you had to join the main queue and then once you got into the canteen

there was like a woman sat there with a bit of paper and you go over and go my name's Adam Rowe and she'd go tick give you the thing and then you went back you went to the little bit

where the food was. Yeah. It was worth one pound but you could top it up like I used to get three quid a day off my mum for school on top of me. Oh that's belter.

Did you get the fingerprints or was that a bit after? That came in like year 10. Did we? Right, okay. Yeah. What for? For paying?

Yeah. So like on my fingerprint. So you could top your fingerprints up, couldn't you? Do you remember that? Oh, the little boxes on the wall? Yeah. So you'd put like three quid in it and then it'd be...

So my one was topped up with one pound something every day for the free school dinner and then anything I put was on top of that. We had a debit card system, like a card that you load up by the end of year 10 and stuff. Past the king. School bully stood next to the till going, yeah, two quid tax on that fucking... First kid in fucking North West England to have an eyes out. I got money for school in fucking North West England to have an eyes out

I got money for school but it was jingle steaks and yeah I was queuing up in year 8 and I just see her in the distance when they all met she's turned into a cool girl now

she used to be you know girl next door all cute and she just turned into a bit of a... Was she a mean girl? No, no. She had her tits done.

She was, you know, a couple of social statuses below the mean girl. Okay. High society kind of people. High society. High society. So I'm queuing up for my grab bag and I over here

we go to Naomi you see him there I used to fancy him like mad in year five and I turn around and went oh my god me too

let's hold hands we don't this X and Y is nonsense Amy we don't need to conform to these letters instead of X and Y

how about you and I and I turn around and I turn around and she round. Oh, God. And I turned round and she went, and Naomi just cut in and she went, yeah, she thinks you're fucking ugly now, though. I went, yeah, I didn't even like her anyway. And walked off solemnly. Naomi's a knobhead.

Have you still got Naomi on any sort of social media? No. I'd be harassing her right now, me. I've been making her life a fucking misery for the rest of her days. Listen to this. So in drama, I was nicknamed Oscar in drama because I performed. After who?

Oscar Pistorius. Oscars. Oh. Oh, he played for Chelsea. He played us for diving. Get away from me. And I was proper good at drama and stuff, so she

she has to be in my play A Suspicious Suicide did you write it? yeah it's how old were you? 15 15?

you're not writing A Suspicious Suicide? that's all GCSE drama is it's a whodunit but suicide that's surely a one scene play whodunit

whodunit he's done it himself thank you I bet you that'll get an A do you want to know how we play I want to remake it so it's set at the wake of this man who's died

and the five protagonists of his life so his daughter, his ex-wife, his trophy wife, his business partner, and his brother. And they're all at the wake, like, oh, it's just the same, Derek's gone and all that. Whoever said that line, they did it. And all that.

Such a shame. Such a shame he's gone and all that, innit? Anyway. Anyway, the buffet's open. So each scene is a flashback scene to their last interaction with Derek. So the daughter's flashback scene is... I'm going to say right now, immediately.

I love the format of this. This is the plot of Knives Out. It's the same plot. When was that out? 2016 or something. You've got some copyright claim. It's 2006 plot of Knives Out. It's the same plot. When was that out? 2016 or something. You've got some copyright claim. It's 2006 before 2016. Yeah, I'm saying you should claim this.

Wait there. I think the brother did it. I think the trophy wife did it for the insurance. Okay. I think the ex-wife did it because she's a vengeful bitch. So it's flashback scene. So the daughter's flashback scene is like, oh, the dad is dismissing her birthday

in favour of the trophy wife. So she's fucking fuming at him. The brother fuming at him. And it's basically all really nasty interactions and he kills himself. So they're all having a wake and they're all a bit guilty because they

all think they've drove him to his suicide then i need to explain oh so he did actually kill himself oh oh okay so i am fucking hooked mate so there's stage directions now i need to explain the stage direction wise because i'm limited. I've only got a school floor. There's five chairs, right? Indicating we're all in separate rooms, all in our separate houses, yeah? And the front row all have a letter. The front row of the audience all have a letter. And I go, no.

And they all throw a letter as if it's... Are you in the play? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you? I was the business partner you're the business partner so you break the fourth wall and go to the front row now yeah right okay yeah i'd give an indicator to my teacher like you know throw the letters so we all get the letters and now this was sick this was high art mate we're all reading the same

letter then so in a row of five, person number one reads the first two lines. If you're reading this letter, I'm already dead, blah, blah, blah. And then the second person reads the next two lines and so on and so forth. And then in unison, we all say, but the person who drove me to my suicide the most was... And then the EastEnders theme tune plays.

Cliffhanger, the audience choose who. It's a whodunit, but I don't even know. You know. Make your own decisions. That went from unbelievable to so bad. What? The EastEnders theme tune. I heard what you said.

That doesn't just make things good. Are you messing? They're known for their, like, I hate your mother. Yes, I am. That's not a cliffhanger, though. She's just found out who her mother is. That's not a who done it.

That was Louise. This is who done it. Louise shooting Phil. There's a cliffhanger. Or who shot Phil? Lisa. Lisa shot Phil There's a cliffhanger Who shot Phil Lisa Lisa shot Phil Lisa Sorry not Louise

Lisa And then they got back together And then they got back together Right Yeah but Then So she goes with Mark Best of the devil you know Jamie

No She goes with Mark HIV Mark Mark Fowler Yeah Mark Fowler He's a little Didn't he have a leather jacket With a motorbike Yeah Fowler he's a little didn't he have a leather jacket

with a motorbike yeah yeah thinks he's cool you give a simp mate um god you're fucking dead you little rat

um so he takes Lisa in and she's just using him and he's just like yeah just you know whatever you

whatever you want it's an absolute wet blanket mate and they plan to take Louise to Portugal Phil's fuming Lisa's to Evo and Steph amazing death by the way because is Lisa It's an absolute wet blanket, mate. And they plan to take Luiz to Portugal. Phil's fuming. Lisa, Steve, Owen, Steph.

Amazing death, by the way. Is Lisa Ben's mum? No. That's Kathy. Kathy's in South Africa with Ben. That's it, yeah. So Lisa wants to take Luiz. Do you watch every episode of EastEnders?

I watch two programmes. Modern EastEnders and modern EastEnders and renaissance EastEnders to be fair it was fantastic it was unbelievable back in the day mate I'd have a system as well I can I can never have fewer than 15 in my bank so I'll do I'll binge moderns I go right I've got two weeks left in the bank I'll skip that to renege on binge that so i've got two weeks in the bank so i've always got an emergency fund do you know what i mean yeah to go into it from one go how are you finding those old episodes sorry i'm just curious yeah but where are they are they available join my channel series link right okay yeah after the bill before Bajorak you're the only person on planet

A doing this by the way that's unbelievable it's so good and and I just but I

I really really annoys me is when they don't respect 2002 so they obviously

obviously what did you just say about Sophie Alice Baxter that annoyed me fucking say that around me sunshine but what so Sharon for example

Sharon's a prime example so at the moment in 2002 she's with Tom fireman Tom he's got a brain tumour doesn't want to reveal it to her ultimately dies

on Halloween getting Trevor out the fire love of Sharon's life oh Trevor Mose fella yeah yeah Tom, Fireman Tom. He's got a brain tumour. He doesn't want to reveal it to her. Ultimately dies on Halloween, getting Trevor out of the fire. Love of Sharon's life. Oh, Trevor Mose, fella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trevor died in a fire. Horrible content. Yeah, yeah.

He's a great villain. Really good villain. Alex Perks, the actor. Alex Perks. You need to go on Mastermind and do EastEnders. So, this is what I'm not... Would EastEnders be

your Mastermind subject? Yes, it has to be. You can pick like a years, can't you? You could do like EastEnders 2005, 2010. Friends 37 would be mine. Possibly, yeah. Simpsons 1 to 13. Yeah, so, but what annoys me is they,

when they bring characters in and they don't, and they're serious characters to a person's life, this fiance has died in a house fire, right? Absolutely bereft fiance, dead, gone. Now in 2023, big man year, when she's reminiscing about her exes and she goes,

because you always have to do a recap. She goes through her main ones. Yes, her main ones are Phil, Grant and Dennis. I'm not saying they're not the main three. Of course not. But she surely is a woman. She wouldn't just overlook Tom. Yes, he was only in her life for 18 months, sporadically.

But that's for another time. But when she goes, you know, I've had my trouble with Grant and then Phil and then Dennis came along. No, Dennis didn't come along before Tom.

Will you respect the man? An ex-divorce housewife, she's forgot. Yeah, Tom, call him old Donoghue. Where were we before you started

talking about Houston? Oh yeah, you ended the play. I was playing, yeah. Play on Duff Duff. Yeah, I love Duff Duff. So anyway, yeah,

I'm drinking this through a straw because I'm trying to keep my teeth white. I'm trying to change my life, Jamie. Trying to become a better man went to the gym yesterday for the first time in a while bought a protein powder

big tub got that on the go if you finish that I'll eat the tub I've done that before to low the shite no it was I liked it as well

chocolate and peanut butter flavour delicious only 120 calories and 24 grams of protein I just like doing the rowing machine Joe and you have like the little figures on, and you pretend you're Matthew Pinson.

Yeah, that's what I do. I went yesterday and had a little run. I did some weights and that, you know what I mean? I've been absolutely targeting today. Been to get my laser hair removal done before I come here this morning. I'm a new man. Laser hair removal?

I've got an ugly back. Like most... I've got an ugly front. Yeah, I've shaved it. What? I've got an ugly back. Like most... I've got an ugly front. I've shaved it. It looks absolutely horrific, so I've got lazy hair removal. It's like someone putting an elastic band on your back.

Like women complain about it. Because they... Because they complain about everything. Women complain about it because they get it done on their pussy. And a woman's pussy is a lot more sensitive than a man's back. It's just facts. Facts. That's in sapiens.

Yeah, so I'm going to have a really nice back come the end of the year. And I've changed my ways. Why do you need a nice back, though? Do you know what it is? It's just the only thing I'm self-conscious about. Everything else I'm pretty happy with. It's just dead airy.

It's not bad. It's just airy. I don't want it airy back. No, it is bad because it's not dead airy. The problem is, like, my back looks like, do you know like when it goes, this is the Amazon rainforest and this is what it's going to be like in 67 years?

Oh, yeah. Mine's the 60s. I've got a 67-year Amazon back. It just looks like there's been fires and, like, you know what I mean? Patchy. There's fucking dead squirrels on me back.

It's just not good. Are you self-conscious about body-wise? Do you have it, if anything? What's your feature you hate the most, apart from your face? Apart from me, my face? I don't know. Do you not have any?

No, I try not to. You seem relatively confident. I try not to, because body is more if it's so easy for everyone to get, isn't it? Yeah. So if you just feel okay

about yourself and then everyone feel like... We can think whatever you want about me but if I feel okay then I don't have to. What about you, Finn? My nose. Your nose?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Is that straight though? Yeah, it's quite big. Big nose. I wouldn't say it was noticeably big. I would.

Yeah. So first thing I thought on your interview? Well, it's grownably big. I would. Yeah. It's the first thing I thought on your interview. Well, it's grown since then. That's my issue. I don't believe you. For no kill. He actually said when you left, who's that big nose cunt?

Yeah. Oh, you, Jamie? My moles. I have matching moles on me, like doppelganger moles. I have matching moles on me leg. Double gang of moles. On each leg? Yeah, there.

That's fucking wild. Why are you self-cultured about it? Swimming and that. I was in dolphins. What do you mean? Was that like vultures? We had three groups and whatever animal you was determined how shallow or deep.

I was dolphin, so mid-tier swimming. What was the... Shark. Shallow end was... Jellyfish. Jellyfish. Jellyfish. They all go in the deep, though.

What? It's not scientifically proven. They wanted a nice, you know, they wanted a bit of, you know, we can't call them goldfish because you'll get bullied. You're like, oh, you're a jellyfish. Oh, don't sting me. It's like in the shallow end.

You can't swim, you freak. Is that the teacher? That's Mr Mulligan. Shagging your beard, kicking you down his nose. He's literally four yards further away. It's like in the shallow end. You can't swim, you freak. He's still stood up.

Fucking swimless twat. Having a fucking pool party in the middle. What do you think your best feature is? I really love my cock. Why? Aesthetically really pleasing at the moment.

At the moment? Oh, yeah, it's grown into its own. It's grown into its face. Does it bend anyway? Well, we have a sort of nickname for it. Whose way? Me and my other half, Quaver. It sort of curls and sticks to cheese.

Mine curls up towards me. Mine's like it's sort of constantly trying to give me a pep talk. It's like, you're the man. Doesn't everyone do that, though? You are the guy. Doesn't everyone do that? No, mine's like it's found a pound on the floor. Oh, go on, lad.

It doesn't always go down, does it? Yeah, it droops. Even when it's on bone? Mine's straight. The shows go down, doesn't it? Yeah, troops Even when it's on bone Oh, am I on straight? Hang on, you get an erection And your dick goes Like a tap It doesn't, it goes You got a tapcock?

Hot and cold bottles. Squeeze that one, love. There you go. Clean your hands. Oh, don't squeeze your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm aesthetically... I quite like all my body now.

You should. That's what I'm saying. If you're confident, then fuck everyone else. Yeah, I don't really I've noticed recently my stomach is uneven yeah but why

so like when I'm like sort of bloated like my stomach isn't like that it's like

like this side sticks out a bit more than that side it's only slight but like my belly button isn't from facing it's sort of

off to the left. Is that an organ in there, maybe? I don't know. Could be cancer. We'll see. Do you know, we're getting a man out next week.

What I would want a better of is, and I'm with two ass carriers. What? With you two. You've both got, I haven't got a bum. And mine is a pancake.

Mine looks haunted no mine's like my arse is thinner than me legs yeah is it really you ever seen

Mike Wazowski's arse no my arse is like I've got less arse than I have thigh like Carl's got a fucking absolute

badonk badonk Carl's is like Carl's like a fucking Carl should be called Shaniqua like he's got a fucking black girl's arse you can sit on my arse I have got the most white man arse like Carl's like Carl's like a fucking Carl should be called Shiniqua like he's got a fucking black girl's ass

you could sit on my ass I have got the most white man ass like you safe? yeah Mike mine's

Jamie what you've got that yeah yeah you've got that haunted look haunted mine looks like

an arse has died and it's you know what mine looks like you know when Voldemort's on the back of Quirrell your arse looks like yeah it's bad

kill the boy it's like the cheeks are stuck together and especially because the arse hair always tangles it's like it's like Velcro sort stuck together. And especially because the arse hair always tangles. It's like Velcro, sort of. That's where I'm getting my next laser hair removal.

Once my back's done, I'm getting my bum hole done. Don't do that to the woman. Yeah, poor woman. Come on, you can't be going and getting your arse hole lasered. Why? She will kill herself. She won't. It's on her price list.

You don't want me to come in and get my bum hole out. Don't offer the service. Her bum hole is on her price list. You don't want me to come in and get me bumhole out. Don't offer the service. Bumhole is on her price list, but she gets beautiful women. I think there's another Robomole layer. Thank you, EG with Weddens. I'll do a bumhole, but 10 grand. I'm getting me bumhole done.

Are Klingons included? From Star Trek? To the ladies of the Klingon? Klingons are more expensive. I'm weirder than cunts. Yeah, I want it. I want it doing. But we've got a lovely toilet seat from Star Trek to the laser the Klingon Klingon's more expensive than weird as it comes yeah I want it I want it doing but we've got a lovely

toilet seat that just washes it off I know but it'd be even better like it's easier to mop a floor than hoover a carpet it's easier

to hoover a carpet than mop a carpet you're mopping a carpet no because if I get it like it's easier to mop like a wooden floor which is what it'll be after if I get it, it's easier to mop a wooden floor,

which is what it'll be after the laser, than it is to hoover the carpet, or shampoo a carpet. Mop a carpet. It's better to apologise than ask permission. Exactly. Easier to ask for permission. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

That's the phrase. Phrases. Part two. It's on red. with Jamie H Hello Some absolute nonsense stories in that first bit Jamie

You are genuinely podcast gold Finn Thank you Have you done some prep because guess what I haven't I have

I've sifted through some of the questions so what we're going to do first, we're going to do some overrated or underrated. Jamie, I reckon you can do this. Can you press the yellow square? Oh, my mum's going to be so mad at me. Don't believe it?

Well done. Nailed it. Well done. I'm going to use the dishwasher. I can't ask you to cut the red wire. Why was your mum going to be annoyed at you? I'm not allowed to use stuff. I washed a toilet brush in the dishwasher once.

What do you mean? Oh my God. I thought I saw you washing. In a dishwasher? Yeah. The stuff you'd have like a sausage casserole on you put your fucking bum hole in. It's quite all cleans anyway.

I mean, I sort of understand the logic. Was it on its own? Yeah. No, it was not. Also, if it isn't dishwasher safe, it's plastic. What? I reckon toilet brush is a dishwasher safe.

I think there needs to be a better invention than the toilet brush. It's 2023, man, come on. Like what though? Like the toilet does it itself. Well, that's sort of what me and Carl are halfway towards. We've got toilets to clean our arseholes. Really? Yeah. That's what of what me and Carla halfway towards we've got toilets to clean

our arseholes really yeah that's what he got me for Christmas bumhole cleaner is it good yeah it's the best thing in the world

is it but genuinely when I'm out now I try and save a poo for when I'm in yeah yeah and like when I'm away for a weekend

like in London or whatever you feel like scum not that I feel like scum but on the train home but on the train home I'm like yeah but you feel like getting a shower after the the train home, I'm like...

Yeah. But you feel like getting a shower after the poo? No. So that's why I used to get a shower after the poo. I like wrapping a towel around me,

like a damp one. What, even in the car crash? In the summer, yeah. Oh, didn't we talk about this at the Christmas show last year?

Yeah. So you shit naked? Yeah, at home. But I have a towel around me. And if it's summer, it's damp. Like a used shower towel. Every time it's naked towel?

Pretty much, yeah. So do you have your pants on? Do your ankles? No, they're off. Why? It's just better. It just feels free. What's the towel for?

It just feels comforting. I did it once in summer because I took my clothes off and it was freezing and I thought I'll just put the towel

on me. Oh my God, it's like getting a hug. That's all he wants. And then in a heat wave I go, I still want the towel around me

but it's hot. There's a used one there from my mum's bath. Your mum's bath your mum's bath because I'm not allowed to poo where I shower anymore yeah that's good because

why would you poo in the bath no no we have two bathrooms oh you spa in the bathroom I'm only allowed to I'm allowed to poo in one and shower in the other

because I've I was being violently sick I was sick that hard shit come out of the room in my mum's show rug. What questions have we got, Finn? Why is there a show rug in the bathroom? Show rug in the bathroom? Wild. Underrated or overrated?

So this is from Simon Richardson. He said, going to watch a film at the cinema on your own. So I'm going to open that up to doing activities on your own. Absolutely underrated. We get so many messages to have a way and to me directly going thinking about coming to your toilet but all my mates you know they don't know yet and i'm the only fan like is it weird if i come on my own it's so much better going to do something on your own rather than with someone who's not asked is so much better like going with someone who like you arsed is so much better. Like going with someone who like, you've got the pressure of, this is the guy that I like and you,

I hope you like him because otherwise I've ruined your night. Do you like it? You like that one? No? He'll get you in a minute. Absolutely. Just go on your own.

I had one of the best experiences ever in my life. And this epitomizes this question, Simon. Thanks for asking. In 2017, 2018, I had a gig in Leicester on my birthday. And so I was staying over and it was like half 10, 11. I'm on my own on my birthday. Bit solemn, you know what I mean? Not with my mates and all that.

But I thought, you know what? I'm going to have a bit of me time. I'm going to take myself for a quick. Because I used to have this anxiety of doing stuff on your own and this cured it. And it was quite late. So there was me and a table of 12, which was another birthday party.

I didn't mean to say a party, but... LAUGHTER There was a table of 12 who was having a birthday and I mentioned, oh, yeah, it's my birthday too. Nice one. And I just had a Harry Potter audiobook in my ears. Stephen Fry in a madras come on and so i'm on my own on my birthday and i said it was my birthday not to like the staff where they all come around like tts

so table for one please love also it's my birthday so if you want to go and let the kitchen know to rustle a cake up and um we both looked at each other with pity Mae hwn yn fy mhryddiad, felly os ydych chi eisiau mynd i'r citchin nawr i rwsleu cacle. Rydyn ni'n edrych ar ei gilydd gyda'i gilydd. Oherwydd roeddwn i'n eu gwylio eu bod yn rhaid iddyn nhw gael sgyrsiau gyffredinol â chadwch sydd ddim yn eu hoffi. Ac maen nhw'n edrych ar mi fel, oedd dim un ar ei mhryddiad a phethau. Ond roeddwn i wedi cael y amser o fy fywyd. Nid yw'r ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y ffordd y not always greener. So I'd say underrated. Doing activities on your own. Shopping on your own is the best. I don't think that's quite the victory story that you think it is.

Why? I had a good time. Would you have had a better time with your friends though? No, I don't think I would. I mean, I had anxiety thinking it and then it just cured it. So I love going for meals on my own.

Do you know what I do before I record? So I record on Mondays and Wednesdays. The Hot Water Green Room podcast. Yes. Jamie and tony carroll check it out where you get your podcasts um and uh i go to a pub we frequent sometimes yeah i go in there before it on my own i have a guinness watch your standards on my clay clay whale what's your clay whale i have a clay whale. What's your clay whale? I have a clay whale called Barry, which my girlfriend made for me birthday. And it shows EastEnders?

No, it holds your phone. Oh, right, okay. So you watch it on your phone, which is being held by Barry. Yeah, yeah. The clay whale. The clay whale. So I just sit there with a pack of Guinness,

watch some EastEnders, then off I go to record. I love that little piece. I like doing stuff on my own. And I've got used to being away. I'm not great at constantly being on my own. I'm better than company. But when I'm away and I'm shopping,

I've got no qualms. I could quite happily go into a Michelin star restaurant and have a full 13 course taster menu sat on my own no problem whatsoever i love my own company where do you rate pints on your own in the grand scheme of things i think like sunday afternoon beer garden drinking is probably the best drinking for me that's not on your own though no no no but i mean pints on a little pint on my own would be like third or fourth in the list so it's still quite high so we were discussing this on a recent episode I think the best pint for me

is the first pint on an early kickoff match day first pint when you get on Aldi the first holiday point, when your bags are dropped and you're just there. Come on, pints and mint, Arlie, man. I love pints. So good.

Yes, doing stuff on your own is underrated. People are scared to do it and I think it's so much more acceptable now. Lindsay, if you want to come to a show

on your own, do it. There's lots of other people doing it with you. Also, films are probably the easiest thing to do. I love going to the cinema

on my own. I've never done it, but I've got nothing against it. easiest thing to do. I love going to the cinema on my own. I've never done it, but I've got nothing against doing it. Like, going to a cinema, like, I love going to a cinema even more now that, like, mobile phones

have ruined my attention span because watching a film at home, I end up just being like, oh, yeah, I'm really enjoying this. It might be the best film I've ever seen, but, you know, let's look at the same

eight tweets that I was looking at 20 minutes ago. In a cinema, it's like it's not an option for me. It's like it doesn't exist. So I watched the whole film doing that on your own rather than with someone who might not be as interested in the film and they start going hey what you think what else is he in oh i was fucking this hey what i think i missed the bit before what did she say

to him what was that hey you know when you go with like you know um similar with stand up though like that's like julie in it do you know what i mean yeah yeah just yeah doing stuff on your own no distractions cinema especially um do you want a cinema tip go on do you want a cinema tip for your for fellow piss cans out there take a gun and popcorn's free that's typical that's a good t-shirt. I'll have a mix please. Say for example you're in a city for a couple of days and you're recording the next day

and you have to check out your hotel at 11 and you're not recording until 5. You've got 6 hours and they don't yet have nap hotels but I'm going to invent it one day. Superb I guess. We need nap hotels. Nap hotels. But in the interim,

in the interim, instead of paying 30 quid for Podworks again, pay 12 quid, go and see a film on your own and just mong out in there until you have to record. Great little tip for you. Or go for like the longest film.

Yeah, just chill. Just not having to sleep in a cinema because it's all it's gonna be quiet i'm not even sleep just doze in between film and it's going to be quiet midweek tuesday also once you're in a cinema once you pass the guy who's like yeah uh screen 12 films are free all day i think yeah that's like a day pass yeah yeah any cinema ticket is, go and see as many as you want. I do it sometimes, just if I've got a weekend away

and I've got a checkout and I'm not ready to go home yet. In Asia, they've got capsule hotels where you can pay by the hour. Oh, so good. Such a good idea. It's good for prostitution. Yeah.

That's a market. You don't want to pay for the full night if you just want to fuck, do you? That's a love hotel. They're different with them as well. Prostitute. There. There's the market. You don't want to pay for the full night if you just want to fuck, do you? That's a love hotel. They're different with them as well. Prostitute. There. There's the Hoxton Hotels.

You can book them just for like their use and you don't want to sleep in them. Could you? Yeah. Yeah. Right, do we want another underrated, overrated or do you want a would you rather? Yep.

Yellow button again. There's an overrated or underrated that can eat your hard With a shovel This one's from Steven Alterson So this is Stone Island clothing Overrated

And it's for absolute Mancots Worn by absolute cunts So overrated Yeah It's like Fucking It's people who've watched

Green Street And just think Every match day is like that And It's a really Boring side of football fan culture, I find that. Get the badge in. Fuck off.

Is there any Stone Island you've ever seen that you've been like, yeah, that's all right? The clothes are half decent sometimes. I just associate it with just goths. Just fussy goths. I remember Johnny Bongo at the restaurant special was wearing a jacket oh yeah

it's that pink one that is a mad jacket well nice it's very nice I couldn't wear I couldn't have that bad job I just couldn't

no it's proper it's the culture surrounding it it's fucking green street and all that kind of stuff boring lad

shut up worn by gims probably not even bad clothes keep your stone island give me a cowboy ass and a waistcoat mate imagine going to footy in that shop. Walked by Gibbs. Probably not even bad clothes. Keep your stone iron and give me a cowboy ass and a waistcoat, mate. Imagine going to

fight in that camp. Okay, similarly then. Do you want it, do you? You want some? Reach for the sky! This one hasn't been written in,

but just similarly, I've been thinking recently, what about this new, it seems to be a lot in Liverpool, is it called the Cloud Foam Shoes? I don't know what the brand is. Ons.

On Clouds. What are you thinking of them? I've got one pair, and I really like them because they're very comfortable. They're ugly though. Like they're not these amazing shoes, it never makes them up to me.

If everyone didn't wear them, no one would wear them. I do know what you mean, wear them. Yeah, because I think they look like... I do know what you mean. It sounds stupid, but I know what you mean. But they are the comfiest shoes I own.

Yeah, probably. Skechers are comfortable. They look like Primark shoes, though, or something. Like, do you know what I mean? No, I think they do look better than you're giving them a bit of credit for.

These are up there as well. These... Yeah, Corsair Levy, that's why. Yeah. What? Corsair Levy. Yeah. What? Corsair Heavy. Yeah. What do you think about

still wearing Yeezy stuff now that you know he's a Nazi? It's fine, but I do judge people for wearing Balenciaga more. Oh, for the kids stuff.

Wilf Saha, how did the Balenciaga jacket on, or jumper, for the boxer? Yeah, but, I mean,

Wilf Saha's different because he's like a footballer and that, but, like, me question about that is, if people have laid out the money for Balenciaga, I mean, Wilf Sahar's different because he's like a footballer and that, but like, me, my question about that is, if people have laid out

the money for Balenciaga, which is a lot of money, just because it's come out that they're like selling kids and that, like, it costs them so much. No one's going to buy it off them.

Yeah, but Wilf Sahar can afford to not wear Balenciaga. Yeah, it's different with him. But like, you know, if your Uncle John's got a Balenciaga,

I don't think you can judge him for wearing it. I think it's, I think it's a Damien but like you know if your uncle John has got a Balenciaga I don't think you can judge him for wearing it I think it's maybe I think it's a Damien Hirst hoax Balenciaga

I think it's all going to come out that it's a social experiment a social experiment to mirror the power of marketing but they've still

done it so the social experiment was still bad what do you mean no no I don't mean I don't mean the kid things. I mean getting shit clothes

and just, you know, like a high-vis jacket with rips in. Oh, yeah. I'd say it's too grand. There's been rumours for years in the underworld that Balenciaga is a social experiment. People are just seeing

what they can push people to buy for a lot of money, even when it's shite. Kanye did it. Kanye's clothes were all homeless shit. It's part of the high street now. I went to find

stress as a pirate once and I couldn't afford a costume so I just burnt holes in the top. Santiago. That happened? Sponsored by Santiago?

That's why I got Santiago. Santiago. I think a lot of brands are overrated. There's a lot of things people wear just because it's a brand. And branding in general is overrated. There's only brands that you think are underrated. I'll tell you what was underrated in 06, 04, 04 to 06.

A door. There were door trainers. Yeah, we used to punch the kids out. Yeah, that's what I mean. I received your fists. But they were good for cherries. What's cherries? Cherries is,

you probably call it something different, bread roll. For kick-ups. So that'll keep you up. Keep you up. Yeah, so you do, you have three lives. You do one,

your mate does one, and you do two, and you build up and build up. Yeah three lives you do one your mate does one and you do two and you build up and build up and you get like three goals at 50 or whatever but they were

good for that they had the good shape for that I mean if Cherries has ever developed in the sporting world I think a door

around to summit yeah if you all had door webs in the floor to you there's a film out I can't wait to see it I think a door around to summit. Yeah. If you want our door webs in, in the front, there's a film out. I can't wait to see it. I might go on my own actually.

Uh, since, uh, Richard prompted me to the devil's where our door is. I know it's a bit air one. Uh, yeah, it looks good.

I love, I love marketing things, man. Yeah. You seen that? I feel like you two would like that. It's the story of how air Jordans came. Oh yeah. I do marketing things, man. Yeah. Have you seen that? I feel like you two would like that. It's the story of how Air Jordans came about. Oh, yeah.

I do want to see that, actually. It's been a weird cast, though, I think. It seems like a weird cast. Matt Damon plays Michael Jordan. In one scene, then it's Ben Affleck in the next, as he gets older. Maybe that's why I think that, yeah. Yeah, I love that

brands in general like there's certain ones that I like and I'm definitely a hypocrite with like North Face I've got a lot of

North Face stuff they're probably not the best coats but they're so they're really good aren't they and they're always comfy and they last you a while

don't really wear much other than Nike trainers but then there's the odd, but like these Yeezys are the Deedas technically, but Yeah, there's brands you rely on. If you get in a coat, you get in an office. Yeah. Usually. Yeah. Because you just rely on it, don't you?

You're like, oh, they're the best. I like them. Yeah. But like my jeans are predominantly from River Island because they fit my ass the best because they do like no bum jeans. My dad had a stage coach coat. Got fucking, I used to get murdered for it. So we used to play this game when we played out

called Laugh at a Man in the Buckies. When we was hanging out. And we used to, you know, you play on the street. What did you do in that game, Jamie? You go in the bucky window

and look who's the saddest. And just point and laugh at them and now you're that man and one week we're all playing it they're all I'm at the back and I go and they're all laughing at me dad

and he's got a stagecoach coat on and he never worked for stagecoach so I used to get ripped oh he had a bus driver's coat on but he'd never done the job. You just got it on the cheap. On the cheap? From who?

Who's selling them? Stagecoach are doing merch. So every time, so every time, you know, when you're ripping each other. New stagecoach merch dropped there,

fuck a beaver. Stagecoach X Yeezy. Get the badging. Do you know how like, do you know how like footballs? stage coach X Yeezy get the badge in do you know how like footballs but what happened was if you see someone else wearing a stagecoach

coat on the street bus drivers usually bus driver coat I forget how much of a gambling man you are what we've been doing lately on this podcast because I've had quite

the run with I've just won 2.5 million pounds in the last are. What we've been doing lately on this podcast, because I've had quite the run with... Adam's won £2.5 million in the last month. So what I've been doing is just putting a couple of bets on during the pod. I won £250 because they were there on the artists. Did you? Okay, so here's what we'll do. He's won a lot. We'll pour...

It's a snooze, isn't it? So yeah, the racing. So the next race is in two minutes, so we'll skip that one. There's one in seven minutes is that Calcutta is that where that is Kolkata oh never heard of it

it's India's probably your favourite okay so yeah we'll go for race seven at Kolkata there's not that many runners

so Sinner looks good to me Paul he's got it chasing other horses yay and quiz show

contestant cock so we'll go with that canal cock what what did you say cock

he's gay he is erm and ooh 66 to 1 is a bit a bit

fucking hell that's putting it against me erm 11 happy valley I did like that programme erm Ooh, 66 to 1's a bit much for my blood, isn't it? That's putting it against me. Happy Valley, I did like that programme. She's overrated. Sarah Lancashire? Yeah.

Why? State how people go on, like, she's a northern princess. It's not like, wasn't she in Corrie years ago? Yeah, yeah, Raquel. So I've done a little double there. Done a little double there on the next two races. We've got Sinner and we've got Gaia Dukagnes on a little each way.

So we'll see how that gets on. What are you reckoning on that, those odds? Got a three to one and an 11 to two each way. I tend to go away from each way with three to one shots just because it's not often profitable because you get 50 odds if it's placed. So it turns into three to five and you don't get your money back, but it's fine if you're doubling it up.

So it's fine. Should we do a, would you rather? Yes. Right. This is from Daryl. This is, would you rather always be stood or walking on a very sticky floor or a very slippy floor?

Sticky. 100%. Slippy. Slippy? I love slips. Why? Do me a hutch shuffle. What?

I used to wear these boots with a buckle, fucking amazing, I had no grip on. And you go into a dance floor, you look, you scout around, you scout around, ah, spilt drink. I head to the spilt drink. So I've got wet and I look like I'm flying.

I mean, you can't see my legs, but they're going mental right now. So I used to, I used to like invert and outvert my legs. And it looks like- That's fine on the dance floor when you're trying to woo a woman, you know what I mean? Cause they love a man who can move cause they associate dancing with pussy pounding, right?

But on your day to day, getting from A to B, A to C, A to D, you don't want to be slipping everywhere. Do you? I do. Yeah. I like it. Joe, what's great about nearly falling is that I nearly fell and I didn't. I love that. See, but for me, though,

the problem is with the nearly falling becoming the actual falling. I live life on the edge, as you said. I gamble. Sticky's safe, isn't he? Sticky is safe. It's too safe. How Sticky are we saying?

Are we saying like when like like a nightclub floor or are we talking like there's glue everywhere glue will clip an angel's wings so it will clip what?

slippy glue will clip an angel's wings what's that mean? if you're being held if you're being too stuck to something yeah

you're never gonna progress oh yeah let them fly oh it's deep alright okay yeah very deep sounds like bollocks If you're being held, if you're being too stuck to something, you're never going to progress. Oh, yeah, that's a fly. Oh, it was deep. All right, okay. Very deep. Sounds like bollocks. So you're going sticky?

Yeah, 100% sticky. I don't want to fall over. I fall over on flat, dry ground a lot of the time. I've got weird ankles. I'm like a fat nine-year-old. I'm just constantly twisting my ankle and falling over. Does me head in yeah

I've never been able like the amount of times I've twisted my ankle playing footy on flat like astro surf is just ridiculous

it's stupid I can't have that's why snow and ice can go fuck itself yeah I hate I hate ice

I see your point there but I just I immediately go to the dance floor with most questions. Right, we'll do one more question. This isn't a would you rather, it's just a question. This is from Stephen Elliot.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever believed? I thought that the windows on a car rolled up like a poster inside the door. Don't do that. When I believed that me budgie flew away and came back and left me a feather. rolled up like a poster inside the door. When I believe that me budgie flew away and came back and left me a feather. I believed that

until I was 17. So I had a budgie called Sparks. Loved this little thing. I was only like three or four. Come home from school one day and my mum gives me a feather and goes,

Sparks has flew away but it came back and left this on the doorstep for you. That's nice. And I was like, okay. She's like, but, you know, it's sad it's gone. I have a couple of pet ones that are stupid. Wait there.

I'm going to let you know how this got revealed. Oh, no. That it was bollocks. So I always believed that. When I was 17, I was sat in my house playing FIFA with a couple of my mates. And my mum was a drinker, you know, not like you. Like, she made you look like a fucking Jehovah's Witness,

do you know what I mean? So she's fucking drunk and smoking and stuff, and I'm playing FIFA, and I'm talking to my mates, and he's like, it's fucking bollocks. Don't fly away and come back and just drop presents off. I was like, mum, tell him, didn't my beard fucking fly away? And she goes no

just told you that so you wouldn't got sad plucked all it's own feathers out and killed itself oh not in front of your mates as well

yeah oh that's heavy man that's so bad like I was so old that it was embarrassing if I was like six you go oh yeah fair enough

but I was basically I had a job I was running a business like of selling DVDs and crisps. Yeah, I have a couple of pet ones. Similar sort of way, and similar age when it dawned on me myself. So you know the phrase, oh, the dog had to go and live on a farm, had to be put down or whatever.

We had a dog, and my mum and dad said it's been scouted on a farm. I had to be put down or whatever. We had a dog and my mum and dad said, it's been scouted by a farm in Australia. I can't. It's too fucked. No. No, because I went, oh, can we still go and visit? And they went, no, it's been scouted by Australia. And then years later, I've become aware of the phrase

as a metaphor for it's unfortunately been put down. Weird thing is, so my dog did actually come and live with my dog. And then the penny drops, oh fuck, that's mean. And the other one I've said before, I think I said it at the Blind Date show, but my mum made me think my goldfish killed itself

because I gave it a stupid name. What was the name? Jonathan. Jonathan, yeah. Because my mate, Jonathan Armour, I used to chew my sleeves. I used to eat my jumpers. He used to eat his jumpers, yeah.

And Jonathan Armour used to eat his chest. So my mum went, oh, they'll get on because they've got the same disorder. My mum and Jonathan Armour's mum, apart from Slimming World, they were mates. They went, oh yeah, and they got talking about,

oh, my son eats jumpers and we call Jonathan the moth. He goes for fucking no one's business. And then my mum walked in on me and Jonathan eating jumpers swapping jumpers so I could off his sleeves

and he could off my chest oh that makes sense that is good you know they say don't waste any part of an animal don't waste any part

of a jumper so my mum was like aren't trying to get me off she went he's a bad influence so I stopped hanging around with him

and she got me a goldfish to replace him because he's my only friend because I was really socially anxious so I stopped me hanging around with him and she got me a goldfish to replace him because he's my only friend because I was really socially anxious so I named the goldfish after him and she thought

I was getting a bit obsessed with him and then the goldfish you know they die a couple of days later sometimes you try to put your jumper in the tank

have a little nibble jump jump jump flakes jumper flakes oh let's give ourselves a little break and then we will get our guest in, which today is unfortunately Freddie Quinn because we had a last minute dropout

and nobody else was available. Welcome back to part three. And Freddie Quinn's here. I mean, you don't even sound excited about that. You can tell there's been a dropout. All quids at the phone call. We've had a few comments lately going, oh, lads, we love having the regulars on,

but we'd like a few newer guests and not necessarily comedians. And then we've got probably the person who's done episodes more than anyone else. Yeah. And a comedian, within reason. the person who's done episodes more than anyone else

yeah and a comedian within reason and it's because we had a dropout last minute and you know there's only so many

people you can ask before you ask someone who lives 40 minutes away Freddie Quinn will be free he's got fuck all going on with his pathetic life and he's got a tour

to promote he'll come down and try and fix that in conversation yeah but I was going on tour actually your tour I Dead Men Talking yeah yeah yeah

where do you get tickets for that deadmentalkpod.com and where do you what's happening with yours mine's on sale next Friday hopefully jamiehcomedy.com

water slide tour and I'm doing some previews in the summer for a product called Rob Riley tickets available comedyinavan.co.uk just so you all know

this isn't Jamie trying to get you into a van I'm doing Darwin Charlton no no Darwin

for a preview Heaton Moor and Didsbury all the big ones in the summer so go and check that out please have you thought about

because obviously we're not at the same level as you where you can do two tweets and sell out a fucking national tour. We have to like think about other stuff. Like, have you had the conversation about PR, Jamie? Yeah, I had a PR meeting with someone. Very reputable, you know.

And, you know, I can, I'm just having a general chat and stuff it weren't something i was going to lean into what if i'll have the conversation anyway see if it's within budget wasn't but i just wanted to play along because she sold like how much i went oh yeah yeah i just switched off there's no way anything with uh if it's got a comma in, I'm not interested. And she went, you know where I can get you on podcasts? You're joking.

You can get me on podcasts? Yeah, I've worked with, I know like contacts with Dan Nightingale and stuff. I could probably get you on Have A Word and things like that. Is she missing? Is that what someone actually said? So we spoke to the same person as you.

We couldn't afford it either. But what we've done instead to try and get interest was a publicity stunt. So we've paid for an aeroplane to fly over the Grand National advertising the website CheapHorseMeat.com which will then link to Dead Men Talking website. That's so good.

And it cost £1,080 in case anyone's interested. When's the Grand National? Saturday. Is it this Saturday? Yeah, yeah. It's I think 14th, 15th. So is this known?

Can this be changed? No this known can this be changed no this can't be changed we paid for it and I'll tell you what I'm praying for a clear day because if it's cloudy that's a gram that I've pissed away on people going

I think that's an error oh fuck it what horse is next they're not going to show it on the BBC though are they what sorry it's not going to get BBC no it's ITV

it's ITV you should be talking for so you're hoping people take pictures of it and tweet about it so what I'm hoping is if anyone's at the Grand National and you see a play

in advertising cheaphorsemeat.com then please take a picture of it yeah sure because that goes to our website but yeah that's all of our money that's every penny

of the marketing budget has gone on that one thing and if it doesn't come off then we're you're either website but yeah that's that's all of our money that's every penny of the marketing budget has gone on that one thing and if it doesn't come off then you're either and i mean this and i say things like this to you all the time you're either a genius or the stupidest content i've ever met oh and we won't know which one it is i do until saturday when it happens it's the second one it's the last you think it's stupid it's funny it's stupid why is it stupid what's what i want to buy tickets even if i went to the website and i didn't know who you were i wouldn't buy tickets they'll see it it's just a joke i don't think it's clickable because

it's in the sky yeah so where were you three months ago jamie with your knowledge of i don't think it's clickable because it's in the sky. That is one thing we haven't considered. I think it's a really good idea, but I don't think people will buy tickets, but it might get more eyes on the podcast. Yeah. Well, it's done now, isn't it?

Are you doing a video about it? Like a TikTok video about that's what you're doing? I mean, that would have been a great idea. You should buy over the Grand National. Here's what it said. You should go to the Grand National. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that would have been a great idea. We pay for a plane to fly over the Grand National. Here's what it said. You should go to the Grand National. Yeah, yeah. I can't be arsed.

What are you all about? You need to put more work in than just buy a plane. Do you know what I'm kidding? How is that a sentence? Do you know what I'm kidding? Anyone can buy a plane, Freddie. Gotta think outside the box. It worked well enough for 9-11 didn't it

come on yeah and it did loads more work that's what it was Ben Lardner's advertising his podcast on it worked really well

all over the Middle East he was fucking flying me to a tower in a cave do you know can you sell

a tape to the poster he had a video about it ready to go when it became Two terrorists in a cave. Do you know a kid who sellotaped the Z to the post at Gunnison? He had a video about it ready to go when it became news. Yeah, you've got to do that. You need to be like, have you seen that? This is us.

Can someone remind me immediately when this is finished and I'll see if we can get it. You need to be ready for Asgore National. You've got to have the reaction to the reaction. You've got to be prepared for it to go viral and go massive. Have you seen this? Because the best thing that can happen at the minute

is it goes viral and everyone goes, that was funny, that. I wish I knew who it was. Well, we basically, we always agreed that whatever happened, any money that we made, we were going to spunk away. So we did for a while try and set up

a fake child trafficking website called webuyanykid.com. And we were going to do it exactly like we buy any car.com and you could you could basically enter your make and model and color which would have been problematic you want sorry would you get a value yeah you get a value oh yeah yeah yeah and we were going to advertise it on billboards we buy any kidcom, but it turns out that that's really expensive. Expensive? That was the problem? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you think, retrospectively, while I'm saying this, that it might be a better idea to advertise our own currently functioning and operational website rather than making fictitious companies, but nevertheless, and it's funny. It is funny.

It is very funny. Me and Adam had a grill market years ago for our first ever gig. Yeah. You did what? When me and Karl ran funny. It is funny. It is very funny. Me and Adam went to the market years ago for our first ever gig. Yeah. You did what? When me and Carl ran our first ever comedy club. We printed off two posters. We were in sixth form at the time.

You did two posters? Yeah, so one of them said free money. But then in really small letters below it, it said not really, but look at this poster. And then right next to it was the poster for the gig. We were in sixth form. That's fucking entrepreneurial

and we had five shows scheduled and three of them happened I'm just thinking yeah but we were fucked by other apps was that in the

beer colour one no that was in the casa Jamie's problem about that is it's not clickable enough can't click on posters can you lad

but then we found out the council got in touch and said I should take all the posters down it's a £2000,000 fine per poster. Really? Yeah, because we were putting it on, like,

bus stop timetables. We were putting it just, doing L1. Yeah. We were just putting it on the wall. Like, where was the love video? What? Where was the love video?

Yeah. Like, Tony 2012. We were putting it in people's left, like, we were just putting it fucking everywhere. We'd spent all the Six Forms money on printing. We didn't spend the penny's left, like, we were just putting it fucking everywhere. We'd spent all the Six Forms money on printing, we didn't spend the penny.

And we nearly lost about 40 grand. Well, speaking of which, you know we did our Task Bastard special. You're not in trouble, are you?

What, sorry? Oh, yes. Shock. What? What? Whoa, hang on. Don't tell me Taskmaster had taken you to task. So the tell me Taskmaster are taking you to task.

So the producers of Taskmaster, Avalon, sent us a cease and desist notice. That's mad, that. What? So you used their format, their font, and put a very slight twist on the title and they're not happy. Sorry, to what show? Task?

Taskmaster. Never heard of it, mate. Don't know. That is wild. Where have they gotmaster. Never heard of it, Mike. That is wild. Where have they got that from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we certainly didn't get it up... Now that you've reminded me about this, the plane's not going to work.

We certainly didn't get the letter up on stage during the show, take the piss out of it, and then spend the whole show going, so how did you come up with such an original idea? Oh, well, it came to me in a dream when I fell asleep on Thursday at fucking nine o'clock for exactly an hour. Yeah.

All you need to do, mate, just fly a plane over Avalon offices, mate. That'll show them. Have you ceased and desisted? No, we continued and... Insisted. Insisted. Is that wise? What, sorry? Is that wise what's that

is that wise well it's fucking happened now it's a very funny live show it is oh it was fucking great wasn't it

it was great Jamie Hutchinson sniffed a lemsip snorted a lemsip he wasn't just lovely that that is seriously heavy, lad.

I've put a lot of things up my nose, mate, and Lemsip is by far the worst. What's the worst thing you've put up your nose that was actually a drug? What's the worst experience you've had whilst, you know, potted, lined, MDMA'd, ketted? Flooded my mate's house on MDMA. Sold loads of her.

I was just chatting about taps for hours just saying how amazing they are. We've got the elixir of life. And all we have to do is that. Do you have your dick out of this place? Oh, man. They're great, Andy. Trust it.

No idea what that means. And my mate went, yeah, I'm going to have a bath. What time of the day and what were you doing? Three in the morning. Was it a party? No, just me and him. You're going to have a bath. I mean, it's the first time for everything when you and your mate sit there.

Wow, yeah, good chance I'm going to have a bath. If he said that to me I'm like I'm going home Fucking great House party mate I broke out the Lush bath bombs

Really treated myself Me and Kyle sat around With rum and cokes Taps of sick I didn't have It's right there Bath So you had a bath

I didn't have a bath Your mate had a bath High on MD I forgot it was running And it flooded the house The second day I had a moose coming round. A what?

A woman off plenty of fish. A moose? Very moose-like. Yeah, it's an offensive way for an unattractive woman. Yeah. Also see dog-faced bitch. Carry on. And your mum.

Moose is the plural of moose as well. Moose-eye. Moose-eye dembele. A dembele of women. A Dembele of women. A Dembele of women. It's a collection of ugly women. It's like an ugly hen do. Fucking Dembele in a...

Moose-eye. Oh, I'm using that for that one. That was a great collection. A group of ugly women is a Dembele. A Dembele. A Dembele. Women's great. Carry on. so you had

you had a singular moose yeah yeah one moose came round so that's me she was so she came round the next day

but I'm on a come down mate's on a come down in the bath and there's a soggy carpet upstairs anyway she me mate's got football the next day so bath and there's a soggy carpet upstairs anyway she my mate's got football

the next day so he goes and sleeps in his mum's bed right leaves me downstairs with her sorry sorry

this was your friend's house yeah yeah yeah and he had football the next day yeah so he slept in his mum's bed yeah good luck

because I was in his bed with was his mum there no she was on holiday okay and when was this 2011

we played footy managers 2011 so I'm guessing like 2013 okay it was just the way you said it like I've got football

the next day I'm gonna sleep in my mum's bed right so you're in bed in his bed with the moose right

so this is a thing yeah sorry sorry woman sorry woman she came round but I'm too cabbaged Which we should probably stop calling her. So this is a thing, yeah. Sorry, woman. Sorry, woman. She came round, but I'm too cabbaged, and we've barely had a conversation.

My mate's gone to bed, and I'm just left with her. So we had a drinking game. Any time an ex went on Britain's Got Talent, we had a shot. Do you know what I mean? Brr. Shot. Do you know what I mean? To get pissed.

Oh, is it like when they got a buzz head? Yeah, yeah. Not just when you were like, there she is. That's her fucking last year. That's her as fucking last year. That's the longest fucking game ever. No, it's the last time. Speaking to you, any of our next girlfriends or fellas,

walk out and audition. Fucking Britain's got Dembele's. Go on. So I'm trying to drink myself into getting on an even keel, which is a problem. Trying to drink myself into getting on an even keel, which is a problem. Trying to drink myself into getting on an even keel. I just don't find her interesting.

She's boring me to tears and stuff. And she goes, shall we go to bed? I went, oh, yeah, sounds. And I turned the telephone. I went, I really, really don't want to sleep with this woman. I just don't want to do it. And we go up and I see my mate's single bed and I see her and I did some quick maths and I go, there's going to be a space problem.

Space. There's going to be a space problem, Shane. Like a reporter from the 30s. Yeah, Shane, there's going to be a space problem, Shane. Like a reporter from the 30s. Yeah, Shane, I'm a space problem, Shane. You appear to be too much of a moosh to fit in a bed, Shane. So I'm a gentleman. Sean Connery by the sound of it. So I pretended to take out my contact lenses for her.

Did you not have any in? No. So I said I'm just going to take my contact lenses out in the bathroom you get you get comfy so I thought

I'll let her get comfy and I can I'm a dog so I can I can sleep in unnatural positions I see what you mean yeah

so she goes you weren't going to bed to sleep were you? no but I just I just say you get in you get in the bed and i had to go out and i could so i get in bed and i'm proper scrunched up on the side i mean falling off but

i don't want to make it look like i'm falling off don't i make her feel self-conscious yeah um and she starts you know you know trying to you know instigate stuff yeah and i very coldly i feel harsh now turn me back on her and go oh oh, there must be something on telly. So I was her little spoon for a bit. Wait, wait. So she tried to fuck you and your response was to turn your back on her and go, there must be something on telly.

How did you brush over that? Like it's not the coldest thing ever. I'd rather watch Cash in the Attic than get my dick sucked out of you. Remember, this is early hours in the morning. What's the timeline? He's watching Hollyoaks with the fucking sign language on roulette.

What's the timeline? You may go to the bathroom at 3am. No, no, no. That's the night before. Oh. So the Friday night, we had loads of MDMA left over. So we just got twatted.

Right. And then the Saturday, then ballet come round. Played Britain's Got Talent and then we retired to the bedroom so she's just big spooned me I just felt so safe

in her arms and I couldn't she had a big hefty breath sorry hefty breath yeah just like

snoring all over me I can't be doing it. So I text my mate, I was like, fucking SOS lad, I'm fucking stuck here. So I come in my mum's bed so I went in,

slept with my mate in his mum's bed and we just watched Sky One's Mad Dogs. While she was asleep in the other room. Imagine when she wakes up and just walks into it

and I'm like, what's going on? Well, morning after while she was asleep imagine when she wakes up and just walks into it and I'm like what's going on well morning after my mate goes goes to place 40 and I get up

I go I'm going to have to fucking check in on this I'm so sorry I went so I went and got checked in and she's getting changed

she's changing her knickers and she's like oh self-conscious about you know finally coming out and that so I was like checked in and she's getting changed. She's changing her knickers. And she's like, oh, self-conscious about Fanny coming out and that. So I was like, oh, sorry. And she went, why did you go last night? I went, ah, my mate's girlfriend rang me because she couldn't get hold of him.

So I went in to wake him up and he was on the phone for ages and needed my phone back and ended up just falling asleep. It's a good lie. It's a really good lie off the top of your head and then she you're smart in such specific situations smart in a way that will allow him to drink and do drugs and not lose his job yeah yeah yeah street smart and then she do you have your hair cut specifically for this? No, it was a mess. Oh, is it? Yeah. So I'm trying to get her out of the house. So I'm looking after my mate's house.

So I go, oh, I'm trying to drop hints for her to go. So I go, I better go and tidy this mess up. And she went, oh, I'll help you. So then I've taught myself into fucking cleaning the house. You need a help, though. I end up cleaning the house. I went, I'm going to have to drop the keys. So i had to leave the house until she left go in a cafe watch her drive off and then go back in that's what i used to when i used to wag work as well leave work go to go to yummies have a brew and a bacon butter all right mum's in work go back home because she

I come home before her so I just had to leave the house and say I've wagged work did you used to get up and get ready though yeah I used to get up and go ready go see you later

off to work no I mean when she came back in did you look like you'd been to work yeah yeah like putting your work uniform on just to sit in the house and play FIFA

I lost a kid on the table today your mum thinks you're a surgeon always hope before they're gone surgeon that finishes at half three every day lost another kid today and even in your fantasy kids are dying

even in your lying fantasy of being a surgeon there's kids every day oh another one playing FIFA what the hell Elton Ex-Devitors

3-0 down in a cup final yeah it's mad that I couldn't save a child innit I always thought one of the

shittest things about being a surgeon is why I couldn't do it is because this will be why you can't do it this is one of the reasons that I can't do it is because you know this will be why you can't do it right this is one of the reasons i can't do it you've pretty much signed up for all your overtime haven't you because like if there's somebody on the hospital table and they're like bleeding out

you can't be like it's five though do you know i mean like if there's like a kid that come in that's been stabbed you can't be like i'll leave in 10 and this is this is an eight but there's not many jobs like you can just leave is that funnily enough though there is a lot of the nhs who do live by that i know some of you need to the very very important scan over christmas and he said oh the doctor isn't until monday and they were like just get him in now because this person's really up night until monday and she had to wait until Monday. How ill? Like, more ill than they thought she was. Did she have Monday in her? Yeah, she's only young, so she survived. Okay.

But, like, she could have not survived because of that. Can't have a doctor do it. What? Can't have a doctor do that. It's specific things, isn't it? Like, it's different... Specialists. Yeah.

So it is, like, if you're not in, you're not in. That is a thing. I think it's different in the States. is like if you're not in you're not in that is a thing i think it's different in the states that's why you should be a vet in it because vets can leave at five i'm gonna call a vet can leave at 50 oh your dog yeah he didn't make it it's all because you brought him in at four it's all you want from a job the ability to leave when you're meant to leave because you're a a comedian. It's literally the only reason I do comedy. If a gig runs past half ten, I'm fucking pissed off. Yeah, but you still do it, you know? Because it's like delaying the show. You're not like, well, I'm only doing six minutes now.

You know what I mean, though, don't you? Like, when a gig overruns, even by about 15 minutes, it's fucking torture. Oh, I don't mind, do you mean?runs even by about 15 minutes it's fucking torture oh i don't mind it me fine torture torture i don't think you've been tortured i like the bit where i let you go home in 15 minutes have some humanity i like the bit where i'm on stage but the rest of the socializing bit is torture. I love socialising, man. We have a nice little pint together sometimes. We do have a nice... I don't mind you. You're fairly

social. I don't think I am. Yeah, with people you like. Well, yeah. I wouldn't choose to hang around with people that I have no opinion of. I have to like you first. I stayed out on my own last night i went to duke's bar and say owns did you yeah great little night oh my god that

fucking on your own in saint helens yeah hey me and jamie me and jamie did a gig last night and we got told there was a woman in the front row who uh like a middle-aged woman, she'd lost all of her toes during COVID. COVID? So they called her Tovid. I mean, you would though, wouldn't you?

Are they related though? Is losing toes a symptom of COVID? No. She didn't lose them because of COVID, she lost them during COVID.

No, I think she lost them because of COVID. What? Are there lungs in her feet? What's, what's, that's not,

how's they, That's like saying, oh my God, I'm going to name an illness. Mad cow disease. And my arms fell off. Like they're not related. How do you lose your toes to COVID? Not a doctor, mate.

You should have asked. Believe you me, the guy that told me behind the bar did not look like a doctor either. Overall amputation rates have risen due to COVID-19 as the disease causes dangerous blood clots that can lead to limb loss there's my anxiety for the next six months oh i can have another mri i think my arms about to fall off if you had

to choose a limb to get rid of which one did it be like one of the four. Yes. As opposed to throwing an extra and losing that. Yes, one of the four. The left arm. Yeah, we chose arm. I didn't. I actually would have said that and choose leg. I chose my left foot. Because it gets harder every day, Lewis.

Your foot's on the limb. What is it? Your foot is on the limb. All right, fine, left leg. It's legs or arms. Left arm, 100%. Okay. I think I'd go with leg, you know. I'd go with right leg. Why? Well, time. Left leg. It's legs or arms. Left arm, 100%. Okay. I think I'd go with leg, you know.

I'd go with right leg. Why? Well, sorry. Why? Because leg's easier to hide. It's easier to replace as well. It's easier to hide. Yeah, just...

I almost never wear shorts as it is. Right. So you just wear jeans. But just stump up. And then a shoe. A shoe. A shoe. And then you're done.

Yeah. Whereas arm, everyone wears t-shirts. If you lost your left arm, I could see it now. So your concern with losing a limb is everyone knowing you've lost one and not the functionality of your limbs. You're just like, I don't need my left leg, as long as everyone thinks I've still got it. Arms are much more functional than legs.

Use your arms more than your legs. Of course you do. I don't really use... But here's the thing as well. If you get a prosthetic, if you get a prosthetic and you get cum in that, that's never coming out, is it? Like, in all the fucking joints and shit.

Yeah, just put your fucking thing in the dishwasher. Like a toilet brush. Like, yeah, you use your arms more than you use your legs. You absolutely do. But your legs are more important. I don't think they are. I don't think so either. Have you changed your mind now?

If you use something more, then that's the more important. That's not necessarily true. Go on. Well, I use my hands more than my cock, but I'd rather lose both my hands than my cock. Would you? No, you wouldn't. Fuck off.

Fuck right off. Shit. Shut up. You'd rather lose you wouldn't. Fuck off. Fuck right off. Shit. Shut up. You'd rather lose both your hands than your dick. Right, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Imagine, imagine if you did lose both your arms and you still had your dick.

What happens next? What do you mean? You're not touching it, are you? What, you're just going to rub it against the door frame or something? I'd fuck me stumps. What are you on about? against the door frame or something. I'd fuck me stumps. What are you on about? You would not, you'd rather lose both of your hands. Right now.

You couldn't do anything you're doing right now without your hands. A cod. Adam. You couldn't do that, you'd have got fists. Right now, try and touch your dick with your elbows. Why? Because you lose your stumps. Yeah. You just put your stumps. Try and get a prosthetic arm. Why? Because you've stumped. Yeah.

You just put your stumps. Try and do it. Why can't I get a prosthetic arm? What? Why can't I have a prosthetic arm? Waiting list. It's a mad waiting list on him. So, you'd rather have both your arms gone than your dick.

Yeah. That's madness. The shoulder. Yeah. What? What? Yes. What are you? He's playing this for the game.

Jack's with me. You can never fuck again. What are you talking about? Oh, you're fucking with no arms, mate. People with no arms can fuck. You look like a T-junction. What the fuck are you on about? People with no arms can fuck.

Yeah, they can, yeah. And you can get sucked Yeah. They can, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you can get sucked off. And rimmed. Is that all? You can get rimmed with anything. Get rimmed with seven arms if you want.

I don't lose my arms. I won't be able to get rimmed anymore. Yeah, I'd take both my arms and then be cocked. Oh, here's the thing. Here's the thing. You have no arms, you wouldn't be able to use your phone. And you use your phone all the time for everything.

You can use your phone now. What? Like you just won't be able to use it. Okay, how? Talk me through it. Siddy. Hey Siddy. You're using your fucking hand! It's in your hand!

Your phone's over there. No, it's not in any reach and you haven't got your elbow, you've got two fucking... You've got nothing. Can you use me toes? Go on, see if you can use it get your toes out I'm fine right now but I'm sure you can go

through training six weeks six weeks and I'll be able to operate me phone with me fucking toes I got beat with I got beat on FIFA

by a guy playing with his feet how have you got a story about this because he was handicapped he had like you know when arms fuse and they bend down so he had no

he didn't have the precision grip so he used to play with his feet it was fucking mad man I bet he still comes on a daily

basis though do you rather lose your arms than your cock 100% Jamie what arms or cock

I'd lose my cock yeah yeah yeah yeah straight away yeah what are you gonna to do, though? Have you not got any sex drive? What's that, really?

Have you not got any sex drive? I'm going to make the most beautiful vagina you've ever seen in your entire life. No, and you could finger it. Yeah. You've got hands. But you've got... There's no feeling to it, is there?

If you lose your cock, you don't have a sex drive, do you? No, that's chemical castration. All the cums out here. No, you've still got a sex drive. It's chemical. But there's nothing you can do with your sex drive. That's the point. there's nothing you can do with your sex drive?

That's the point. Would you rather lose your legs or your cock? And that brings us to the point that arms are more important than legs. Exactly. No, it doesn't. Legs are more important than arms. Because I would lose my arms, the legs is a question. No, legs, you could have a wheelchair, mate.

Wheelchairs are sick. You can have a wheelchair mate wheelchairs are sick you can have a wheelchair anyway you know yeah but it's an excuse you don't get a wheelchair if I lose my cock Jamie was built for being an old man in a wheelchair

oh I'm not built for being an old man he won't be making it in Benidorm I'm not making pensioner levels what do you reckon you're going to make

what's your I'd be happy what would you Benidorm I'm not making pensioner levels what do you reckon you're going to make what's your I'd be happy what would you take right now I'm hoping 40 I'm 80 I won't die

8 years 32 yeah but a great 40 within the decade you'd be happy to die in 8 years living the life

you live now yeah this is hutchy I'm not saying you haven't I'm just saying great life man do you know what I mean

you don't you take that I'll? You don't... You take that. I'll take that. 40 good years. You say 40 good years. You've lived 20 good years. You've had three good years.

Ever since you did The Last Dance, it's been great. Before that, it was a fucking write-off. I don't know. It depends, doesn't it? What would you take? I'm happy with 60.

That's so sad. I actually don't want to... I don't want to live depends on it. What would you take? I'm happy with 60. That's so sad. I actually don't want to live to the age where you just... Because look, most people, when they say I want to... You don't want to be a big puddle. Well, who's a puddle at 60? So here's the thing. Yes, of course. Fair enough, yeah.

Me and Hutchie being fucking admitted to the home at the same time we've got a dem belly a fucking old man coming in tonight um i don't i i want to go out while i've still got a bit of function behind me i want to like i don't want to be one of those people that's oh i want to die when i'm old and gray and yeah but if you die when you're really, really old, you just, like, you become a burden to your family, Do you think you'll kill yourself at 60? Do you think you'll

just get to 60 and be like, I'm done? Blowing your own head off? Even while you're still functional, do you think the age to live on will be

with you then? Well, look, at the moment, I've got no kids and nothing really to live for, so.

How old are you Fred? 35. But if that changed I might put an extra 5 years on it But as it stands 60's fine I've got a fantasy death

Has anyone got a fantasy death? Yeah I've got a fantasy death Pussy Avalanche Not Pussy Avalanche Yep Yep

I'm Pussy Avalanche is a great name for a band Yeah Oh it is It is Pussy Avalanche Pussy Avalanche I'm Yeah so This is me Old man Version Yeah Pussy Avalanche is a great name for a band. Oh, it is? It is Pussy Avalanche. Pussy Avalanche.

Yeah, so this is me, old man version, yeah? I've got no family, I've disgraced myself. In your fantasy, you've disgraced yourself. I'm in a hospital bed on my own, no one around me, and I just wind the nurses up, and it's time to go. I'm going, oh, bedpan, bedpan, it's the time to go. Oh, bedpan. Bedpan is changing. And then it goes, okay, Mr. Hutchinson.

And she lifts the quilt up and I fart in her face and I go, one nil. And you go. Yeah, because she can never get me back. One nil. Soul shower. get me back 1-0 soul shower your fantasy your fantasy death

is a borderline sexual assault of a woman you don't know is a sexual assault to fart in a woman's face hang on I think so

is fancy death is farting in a nurse's face I get it though no and say 1-0 but what if you don't die and she equalizes

by just like fucking yeah what if you think you don't oh mate what equalises by just fucking... What if you think you're done? Oh, mate. What if she pins you down and just shits on your corpse? 1-1, you old cunt. And then that's what kills you.

It's like four ones away. She's won. It's like the Bruno Fernandes goal after full time. You're done. There's nothing you can do about it. What's your fantasy, Def? Have you got one?

Me? Yeah. Yeah. So I've always said that what I'd like to do is kill myself. That's it. He said that with so much sincerity. He does mean it. He's been like perpetually suicidal on and off since he was 20.

But I've always liked once in a while is killing myself so what I do is I'd like I'd take myself to like a remote location

and I'd shoot myself by like but I'd learn how to angle my hand in a way that holds the gun in a way that detectives don't think

it's possible for me to have done that and then I'd leave loads of clues on my body. Like, I'd leave, like, a swimming ticket and, like, a fucking 40,000 drachma in a pocket and then I'd have, like, a tattoo of a random address on me leg just so I'd waste 40 years of a detective's career.

That is so much better than anything I was going to say. I'll tell you what's a good suicide a murder mystery improv night that is a great suicide oh magician's assistant yeah

yeah magician's assistant opening up the fucking box and she oh dear how would you handle a gun

to blow your own head off that makes it look like it wasn't you. The gun's on the floor next to you. They'd figure that out. It wasn't him, why? Bit of a mad angler.

He falls like this. I've got him. No, it was him. That's what. Why's he got so much strike, man? I'm not asking. I don't know. Idiots on CCTV

getting his pounds exchanged an hour ago. It's a tattoo artist right on the corner with his leg. We've got images in the Bureau de Charge. You can have CCTV in Liverpool, the Euro exchange. I love any of their 100 quid worth of drama. Don't ask why.

Oh, where are you going? Paradise. The detective solves it in 25 minutes. He's like, yeah, he did this himself. He's where are you going? Paradise. The detectives have solved it in 25 minutes. He's like, yeah, he's done it to himself. He's on some tattoo artist's Instagram, yeah? Last day on Earth! That's on his mind. 15 minutes.

Yeah, he's killed himself and tried to make it look like someone, didn't he? It's these people's job. I've held a gun, man. Nothing can beat it. Shot myself in the mirror. Which is why I've not done it. No, I don't think you can get away with it.

You'd have wasted your time. The simple way is kill yourself regularly and then just leave a cryptic note. Kill yourself regularly? regularly like don't be getting tattoos and grassmere my way of doing it is to go

to become a vigilante right alright yeah and literally just like amass an arsenal of weapons and go around killing people

that I think deserve to die you think isn't that your dreams Freddie yeah yeah yeah but I just rather than an arsenal

of weapons I work almost exclusively with a sniper and it doesn't matter if they deserve it or not occasionally occasionally grenade launches yeah and also

I go off people that specifically don't deserve it he shoots women and children I'm going around killing paedophiles like murderers

who I know got away with it sorry so here's a question how would you know that they were pedophiles to kill them? It's public record. Yeah, there's an app that shows you. What? You can download an app for free on your phone

that shows you where the pedophiles live in your local area. Yeah, but they don't tell you who they are. They do tell you? There's pictures of them? Also, also. How else are they going to do it? Go, warmer, warmer. What's the point

if you don't know who they are? Yes. I thought it was like, just so you know, it could be anyone. It could be you. I thought that they did it like heat maps on football games.

You know, it was just like patches of where pedos have been. No, you know their face name and what they did really yeah and I'm going

I'm blowing heads off mate anyone who's done anything serious and then as the police come at me I'm just like I refuse to surrender

I'm there with two Uzis one in my back pocket fucking shotgun on my shoulders that I've got strings for I just look like a fucking one man band

of a fucking you look like a fucking blast hoist exactly yeah and then eventually the police are like look we're gonna have to take him out yeah he's doing good work and that one man band of a fucking law hero you look like a fucking blast hoist exactly yeah and then eventually the police are like look we're gonna have to

take him out yeah he's doing good work and that and we actually appreciate it but at the end of the day he's on the news on the BBC news he's actually

Evie Gidd you know but we've gotta kill him so Evie you know and then it's you are such an egotist that even in your death

you want the police force to respect you yeah the chief of the fucking police force you want the police force to respect you. Yeah, the chief of the fucking police force. You want it to be like when Shawn Michaels kicked Ric Flair. The chief of Scotland Yard comes out and goes, look, at the end of the day, Adam Rowe's done something that we've all wanted to do for years,

but we're not man enough. We've still got to offer him. Have you seen the gif of Wesley Slade in Blade? What's it called? What's the film's name? Blade. Blade? When he's crying

with the gun it's with a busy going I'm sorry Adam I've got to blow your head off do it John I deserve it

where do you stood what where do you stood where are you steps of Liverpool one

the steps of Liverpool one in that little bit where the sound goes weird because I want to listen to it one

last time are you going to try and as a vigilante one more time as a vigil. Are you going to try and, as a vigilante... One more time, Ed! As a vigilante, are you going to try and kill these paedophiles? Are you going to try and kill them and not get caught for a while? Or is this just going to be all out in plain...

I'm doing it on Instagram Live. I've got Will following me with a camera. It's very funny. I used to, on Facebook, do all the Paedophile Hunter catcher videos. I used to on Facebook do all the pedo hunter catcher videos yeah I used to defend the

non-slap the car and then just mute it just go listen lad it's a mental illness at the end of the day

you can't be helped so I think you're being too aggressive with him and then you see all the

old flag fucking Facebook status fucking supervisor you just mute it class

class do you know what I used to do he doesn't even speak status is like I don't fucking supervise you just mute it though class hours of fun class do you know what I used to do just even see the record she scores I used to have loads this is going back

about 12 years 15 years I used to have loads of fucking burner accounts for like housing developers no housing developers

I used to go into the better they're called Freddy Queen if that came out Finn how on a scale of one to ten

how shocked would you be if I'd burnt two green kids I've got a CRB certificate you can go fuck yourself that means fuck all that what so that Harold Shipman he didn't fuck kids, did he?

No, he killed nans. Exactly, and I'm happy with that. Happy? Oh, that's good news, isn't it? He wasn't shagging kids. Anyway. He was the Adam Rovers day, vigilante. Doing work the police wanted to.

Yeah, all them nans were pedos, I heard. Yeah. In a place called Hyde. I used to work for the search. What were you saying? You had burner accounts for what? Yeah, I used to pretend to be a housing developer and I'd log on to local Facebook community forums

and go, oh, we're building 400 houses in your area, what do you think? And then just mute it and leave. Or say we're having a complex for escaped pedophiles, released pedophiles. So we're having a complex for escaped paedophiles. Released paedophiles. So we're having a complex for escaped paedophiles. We're just going to assume that they're all going to make their way to your village for some reason.

We've done a survey. Your town's got the sexiest kids. So we think that all the escaped paedophiles are going to congregate here and we're building them houses. Do you know what I mean? They play Xbox and all. Talk to girls and we're building them houses. Do you know what I mean? I used to play Xbox and talk to girls. Game of FIFA. Yeah.

I'm just making that up. No, you did that shit on Twitter, didn't you? You used to be a bit of a shithouse on Twitter. What Carl used to do is he would set up, so he'd set up like SkyHelp underscore and make it look real. And then people will be tweeting Sky Help going

my Skybox hasn't been working for a day and a half I can't use anything on catch up I'm just wondering whether I can get any help with this and any reply

hiya Roger thanks for your message that tends to happen if people are just the big stupid old cunts of this house I'm moving to Virgin so I thought about

I've thought about for like the last week but I haven't done it and I want you all to know that I'm not doing this I thought about I've thought about for like the last week but I haven't done it and I want you all to know that I'm not doing this I thought about setting up a fake account for Wallace the Havowood dog

paying for Twitter Blue and then just tweeting loads of right wing shit about immigrants so I just thought how funny would it be to have the little dog going send him back

he's only got his own Twitter he's fucking active as well to be fair to him. He's frightened. But yeah, Sky Help was, that was partially my finest moment on the internet, though. Me and Carl used to do

a lot of prank calls. That was something we used to spend our time doing. So, like, we'd just ring, like, pizzas and takeaways to places, like, over the road. You know, like, the place where, like, you'd be playing football

and the fella would come out and be like, fuck, I'm here for that ball, you fucking little gang of little cunts. I'll fucking, I'll baste you. You know him the place where you'd be playing football and the fella would come out and be like, fuck, I'm here for that ball, you fucking little gang of little cunts. I'll fucking, I'll baste you. You know him. Right. You ring Peter's or like order him a skip.

Skip to the best. Or a bouncy castle. Skip to the best because you can't move. If someone gives you a skip, you've got to skip. You can't move it. Put it right in front of the path, block the car in. The skip's there for a minimum of a week. And nobody prepaid.

Back then, it was cash at the end. You didn't prepay for the skip. Drop a 10-tonne skip off at ours, bam, you've ruined this week. We spent a full day once. And I mean a full day from like 10 o'clock in the morning till the evening, ringing houses and going, oh yeah, is Shergar there? And then the woman or the man would go, the horse.

And then from the other side of the room, one of us would go, nay! And then we'd go, never mind, found them. We spent six hours doing that one day. The best. I'm sorry, that's so ridiculous.

That's so stupid. The best one we've ever done, and we've mentioned this in our video before, long time listeners, we apologise for the repetition. We were just ringing, just going through the phone book, just ringing random numbers and just being like, you're like, just winding people up.

And this woman, she goes... This is so funny. Stupidest woman in the world. She goes, hello? I'm like, yeah, I'm just taking a piss. And she goes, listen, can you stop doing this, please? I'm waiting for an important phone call. And we went,

Hiya, who from? And she went, Harvey's Furniture Store. What, sorry? She said, I'm waiting for an important phone call. From where?

And we said, who from? And she said, Harvey's Furniture Store. So we put the phone down and immediately rang back and went, hello, this is Harvey's.

And she believed us. And she goes, what's it? She's like, yeah, we've been waiting for the call. We're like, yeah, yeah. So we're just going through your order here. Can you just tell us exactly what you ordered? So that we know we've got the right one. And she tells us absolutely everything.

And we went, yeah, look, here's the thing. There's been a fire at the warehouse when all the stuff's kept. And every single thing you've ordered has gone up in flames. Rest of the stock, fine. But because it's technically been dispatched, you're not entitled to a refund

because it's left the store and she was like this is ridiculous I want to speak to the manager I was like I am actually

I'm Harvey and there's nothing I can do she's like I'll be writing complaints I'll be phoning crime watching

into watch and we were like yeah you're going to have to but you're not getting any of your stuff we had her on the phone complaining to us for about an hour and in the end we we were like yeah you can have two more you're not getting any of your stuff we had another phone complaining to us

for about an hour and in the end we were just like yeah it's us again oh my god that is a work of art that is so good I've said this before

I used to play Neil or No Neil what? Neil or No Neil they played that in the Premier League at the beginning of matches last season

hello is Neil there? no? cool put the phone down you just ring yeah I was too ring a random number so like they played that in the Premier League at the beginning of matches last season hello is Neil there no cool put the phone down you just ring ring a random number so like Liverpool's 0151

yeah and then there's like there's normally about 33 number codes or sometimes a 4 number code so like 252 is a Liverpool number as well

that's like Old Swamp so you do 0151 252 and then it's just a lottery for the last 4 numbers so 0151 252 37 then it's just a lottery for the last four numbers. So 0151 252 3791 and just ring it and then they go,

hello? You go, hello, is Neil there? And if they go, no, you go, all right. You just phone down and if they say, yeah, I'll just get him

or this is Neil. Two of them? You have a chat with Neil? 2-1 meet over and about the span of six years. That is a good game. Okay.

So me and Jamie were weirdos for setting up fake accounts but you two ringing up asking to speak to a meal

when were you doing this yeah good point yeah I do it as myself though were you a little dickhead as a kid because I was a dickhead as a kid

wait the worst thing I ever did was we well we burnt down a derelict house while I was still inside. It just caught fire.

And I had to run out of a burning building. It just fucking decimated. Like M&M? In 8 Mile? Yeah. And we, another one was, I used to live in a house. And then my mate subsequently lived in the same house. So I went, ah, we, you know, we're the Buttman Street boys.

Sorry, what? We're the Button Street Boys. Buttman. Buttman Street Boys. What you said is stupid. So me mate got evicted and that. So they had a new family coming in. And they was decorating it all and stuff.

They had builders in. And we broke in and trashed it, ripped all the carpets out, bricked every window, graffitied, calling all the builders mums, slags and that. Pissed on everything.

Did you ever get caught for any of this? Absolutely ruined it, nah. Absolutely ruined it. And then all the police were there. The builders were stressed, on the phone, like fucking, these cunts and everything.

And I walked past and I went fucking what's happened here just like sadistic that was the worst thing I did so I used to I used to get like you know be a little bit

can we not that was awful that was awful the most ridiculous thing anyone's ever said on this podcast you were taken to the scene of the crime as well

like a murderer yeah they always do I wanted to see the the chaos the horror the jeopardy the

mute everything on Facebook but smashes it out he's like gotta have a look go back when I matured I really had second I really had guilt

after the were you not scared you were going to get caught from it was there no how did you get how old were you 15

I'm so glad that wasn't a two at the start of that. 28. And they never found it was you? No. No. You don't know. Yeah, but it's...

I mean, you've just told them the truth. Statues of limitations, mate. Was 06. He's a... Clear. Scoffery. 06. What was the worst thing you did?

You were a little cunt as a kid? I was just a low-level cunt. But once I... Like, we'd just get pissed and that and just be little nuisances a kid? I was just a low-level cunt. But one time, we'd just get pissed and that and just be little nuisances. We made bin bombs as well. You fucking crazy bastard. Did you have alcohol?

What's her age? Booze. Yeah, but from like 12. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's rough. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't ringing people up

and asking to speak to Neil. We can't all be Gs. Do you know what I mean? We were like 17 when we were doing that. Okay. Another 12, mate. Head of vagabonds. We can't all be G's. Do you know what I mean? We were like 17 when we were doing that. Oh, okay. One of the 12, mate. Head of vagabonds. We were playing football.

We were being quite loud. And there was a woman came out and she went, do you mind being quiet? My husband's ill in bed. And so we were like, well, let's just be even louder and more obnoxious. Hi! Pass us the fucking ball! All this shit. Just being a knobhead. And then this guy came out the house and he was fucking in no like the biggest person i've ever seen in my entire life he was a

bouncer called big harry right and he came out all my mates fucking ran he went straight for me because he was like you know the weakest gazelle in the group do you know what I mean? The weakest gazelle in the group. Do you know what I mean? Fucking, he went straight for me, grabbed me by the throat, put me through a fence, kicked the shit out of me. How old was he? I was about 13 years old.

I was, so I was so like, like, cause he was the biggest person I've ever seen by a mile. And I was drunk. I pissed myself a little bit. And he was kicking the fuck out of me and then afterwards he left and all my mates came and they were like are you all right and I was okay but I was like I don't want to like let anybody know that I pissed myself and so I was like yeah yeah I'm fine I'm fine and then I was like arch I'm gonna go home and just you know like have a shower

I'll come out later or whatever and then then I went home, but I changed my pants and I came back out and everyone immediately noticed that I'd changed my pants and I got ripped for years because they said that I got bum-raped by Big Harry. Did they realise that's a really sad story? Yeah. Also, can I ask, how do you know he's called Big Harry? What's that, eh?

How do you know he was called? As he was kicking down, he was saying it. It's what happens when you mess with Big Harry. Big Harry kicks you off in it,

ain't so sure. Where were you living? One of our, in Preston, one of our mates, his brother was a bit older and he knew him because he worked

the doors in Preston. He can't be beating kids up, Big Harry. Yeah. He's probably dead now. What's that, eh? He's probably dead now what's that right he's probably dead now isn't he yeah possibly

good but yeah Jamie what's a bin bomb we had what's a dirty bomb I was obsessed with fire and that

you're burning stuff yeah I get I completely understand that this is a problematic episode I've spoken about that before I used to set fires and batter bouncers and kick people's heads

and there was this there was this we never did it you know where people could get hurt there was a yeah there's a code of ethics to being an arsonist

isn't there I was just I was just I was into science I was experimenting fuck off and there was

it was like a not like no one goes in most of the time like Tesco like you know it's like a not like no one goes in most of the time like Tesco like you know

it's like an old house that had been knocked down and it was just rubble basically miles away from anyone do you both live have some scram did you and

there we go ring ring call back for Finn Neil there no call back and yeah so we just started setting fire to bins Oh, back to Finn. Neil there. No, go on back. And yeah, so we just started setting fires, bins and watching them melt and stuff.

And then we're like, fucking hell, we need to up our game here. Up your game? The kids the next time are burning dumpsters. I did the same thing. And we put deodorant cans in. Did you ever, did you ever, do you remember ever downloading the Anarchist cookbook and trying to make in and it just did you ever did you ever do you remember

ever downloading the anarchist cookbook and trying to make things from it isn't that illegal I'm not seeing that yeah yeah what fucking Jack remembers

Jack fucking remembers are the people on watch lists in America the anarchist cookbook yeah it's a thing in America and you get on a watch list if you download it should I not google it then

no it's how you build bombs and shit no you can google it you can google it you just can't download it should I not google it no it's how you build bombs and shit you can google it you can google it you just can't download it buy it this was like fucking

you know before shit like watch this existed this was like no it wasn't is it recipes yeah yeah it was recipes to make bombs and stuff

oh I thought it was like what like scones yeah pastries you're making it with like illegal flour or something what's going on illegal flour we were little What's going on here? Illegal flour.

We were little cunts used to. We're just fucking terrorists. Yeah, this is a book that's fully banned. Yes, I just said that. It's illegal. It's out of build.

It's not really a book what we downloaded. It was like a essentially a notes document that you could just print out on the computers at school. He was making bombs. You're downloading illegal.

We used to call people gay if they were shit or footy. That was it. We were homophobic to straight people. That was it. What bombs did you build for him? So, well, none of them ever worked and stuff. A lot of it was like putting stuff inside. The whole thing behind it was like...

Domestic terrorism? There was a Molotov cocktail that didn't work and there was Isn't a Molotov cocktail just like a Flamin' Rag and a bottle of vodka? Yeah, we couldn't get it to work. It's quite easy, isn't it? You are sorry? We're also like 14, do you know what I mean? Oh, silly us.

There was another one as well. I remember so distinctly, I remember being at a I remember being in like this sort of, it was like an abandoned building site type thing. Where did you both live? Chernobyl? Yeah, there was just leveled schools everywhere,

abandoned buildings. So what we did... Gravel. So one of the things in the Anarchist Cookbook is that you could scrape the sulphur off matches and put them

into a tennis ball you cut the top out of a tennis ball scrape the sulphur off matches and then put loads of pebbles into it

and it'd be like a miniature grenade and I remember so distinctly spending hours and hours making because we're going

to throw them at each other and it'd be funny we had water bombs I remember spending hours and hours making, because we're going to throw them at each other and it'll be funny. We had water bombs. Yeah, it's super so good, 3,000.

We had to all make grenades. I can't play, my mum said I can't get my limbs blown off today. If I do, make sure it's both the arms. Yeah, but I remember it took hours and hours

scraping all the sulphur off and it was like people were fucking you know paying doing it

because you had to do so many matches and that didn't work either but none of it worked it was just experimenting I tied my action man to a firework

yeah that's a bit more of a story isn't it yeah I did that you were trying to make homemade bombs you were domestic terrorist

you just need links for you doing a match well I know that now but back in the day I again I think it's

I think it's weird that you're all amazed by this we used to buy cheap bottles of lemonade from the summer field open them a little bit and throw them on the ground

because they'd bounce and then shoot like rockets oh Mentos and Coke as well yeah but we didn't download like illegal terrorist books yeah yeah

yeah well to be fair we're a little bit older than you yeah yeah yeah you know me grandad told me about this yeah

sit down sit down wanna tell you how to make homemade grenades come here come and get those matches let's have a laugh

what else could you could you not do was there nothing to do was the telly a thing then? Was the telly a thing? Yeah. I'm 34. What do you mean,

was the telly a thing? You're three years old and you're building homemade bombs. Were you on a boat? Yeah, but you just wanted to be out with your mates, didn't you?

That was the thing. We played man on some fuzzy. We used to, like every week, we used to say that we were having a sleepover at someone's house and then just stay out all night under a bridge or an overpass. Yeah, we used to say that we were having a sleepover at someone's house

and then just stay out all night under a bridge or an overpass. Yeah, we had a tent in the forest. You know what we used to do? We used to just stay over at each other's house. That's what I teach them, what? We'll stay under the bridge when it goes late that night. And you don't know what we're doing. Yeah, just, like, stay in the woods or something.

Yeah, we used to stay in the woods in the tent, yeah. What? You live about 30 miles from us? And you used to drink like VK or Wicked and you'd span round because it got you more drunk. Yeah, or do it through the eyeballs as well because you'd watch Kevin and Perry. And he was doing it with vodka, not a VK.

Just sticky ice. Packing through VK. I swear I could have swatted. I remember Smyrn off ice as well actually never used to work this will teach our mum what you tell me

I'm in yours I'll tell him I'm in yours what we'll do we'll stay under the bridge stay under the bridge in your fucking eyeball drunk or fucking we also used to have

a mate as well whose whose mum had died and his dad was an alcoholic so they didn't care. What did you fucking point at him? He's talking about me. He used to use his X-Point all the time.

So they used to go round to his house but his house was like absolutely, you know, Jesus, it was bad. But you used to go round because you could do whatever you fucking wanted. Like it was literally totally unsupervised. 14, 15 anything it was like a free open house what were you doing

not really a lot to be honest i remember i remember smoking a lot of weed whatever we want are you gonna do should we go the bridge yeah oh this is the life boys we can do no one in chat no bosses around here used to smoke weed and watch Smash Hits. Yeah, we had a lad who was like proper trampy family and you could go around and do whatever. He didn't have couches, he had quad bikes for chairs. Shut the fuck up. All his houses are small bikes.

How did he get to the kitchen? Did he like, that's the shit. No, he just walked, Freddie. All his houses, motorbikes. How did he get to the kitchen with all his quad bikes in the way? He just walked around.

That was the fat bastard in me going, I'd never need to walk again. What? Yeah, he was dirty, man. He used to just sit on a... Do you know how much more expensive a quad bike is than a couch? Yeah, there was all like, you know, tissues more expensive a quad bike is than a couch yeah there was all like

you know tissues used to rob him just a ropey family and just had loads of just quad bikes everywhere so they just got rid of the couch

and sat on bikes I bet that was a really I can't wait to have a lazy night in watching a movie get on your bike come on babe get on the back

I'll give you the take while we watch a film what the fuck yous lived a mad life you know I bet that was such a funny family meeting where they sat round

and went the sofa's just getting the way really don't they yeah we've got more quad bikes than sofas so the smart move is get rid of the sofa

think outside the box Lance come on yous two have lived a odd life. Not really. I'd say it's just like... He's done really...

He's looking at you. Yeah, this is... It sounds horrific. We just used to play football. Yeah. That was about it. Talk to girls on MSN. Oh, yeah.

I used to love a bit of MSN. Fucking binge, mate. Did you just blow seagulls up as well? I feel like that was the kind of thing you'd do. Blow seagulls up? Did you ever feed... I can tell you from real. Did you ever feed rice tos up as well? I feel like that was the kind of thing you'd do. Blow seagulls up? Did you ever feed... I can tell you from real. Did you ever feed rice to pigeons to make them explode?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't work. Do you know the most sadistic thing I ever did? And I really feel guilty about this. So it's not trashing someone's house and then walking past it. You weren't eating animals, were you? Oh, Jamie. I put a ring of salt around a slug and watched it kill itself.

Part four of what has turned out to be an absolute marathon of an episode. And Freddie, thank you so much for coming in on Three Hours Notice. Yeah, thanks for having me. It's always a pleasure to be one of your top guests. But you are one of our top guests. I like it. I like coming here and doing irreparable damage to my career for no money, and then I fuck off home. Fred, do you always top our numbers?

You always top our numbers? Yeah, because it's just a bunch of people going, I wonder what that silly fat cunt, I wonder which minority that silly fat cunt's going to piss off this time. That means you're good at it. Don't put yourself down. Oh, I am excellent. You're really good at being a silly fat cunts I wonder which minority that silly fat cunt is going to piss off this time that means you're good at it don't put yourself down oh I am excellent you're really good

at being a silly fat cunt do you know what round of applause I am I am I am excellent at pissing off minorities I'd say I was in the

I'd say I was in the top two of all the guests that you've had at it. You're in the minority. Right, before we crack on with section four, Freddie, you are the host of the Dead Men Talking podcast. You and Rob Mulholland. Yes.

It is essentially you and Rob and your producer showing grotesque and the worst videos on the internet to a guest. It's the darkest podcast that you can find. The other day we did nearly an hour about how you could best affix a dead baby to a wall. Cool. Well, we're going to stop that there

because that's not what this podcast is. But if you like that sort of thing, check out Dead Men Talking. I personally think gaffer tape is a personal touch that isn't needed. Gorilla tape? it's the best tape no gorilla glue I think

no not glue it's quite annoying if this one gets monetised you need to fire some staff the problem with glue Jamie the main problem with glue is that you have to

hold it and let it set and so there'd be a 30 second when you were pushing it into the wall as you were going what am I doing with my life

anyway go on check out dead men talking if there's something wrong with you and if going on

tour and tickets or whatever they are Jamie you're going on tour and you're also the host of

the hot water green room podcast hot water green room podcast very minimal dead baby chat.

We have guests on and stuff. Similar format to this. Tony Cattle co-host. Hey! Tony Cattle co-host. Remember when I did your green room? And if you can find that, well done. Has it been vaulted?

Oh, it's vaulted. It's dark web. But try and find it. Have you... You've still got it Matthew's got it delete it Matthew's got all of our careers

in the palm of his hand if we ever do anything to him if he ever finds out what me and his mum got up to honestly everyone's career is in the bin

don't even joke about it what as well as that don't even joke about it let's get this podcast back on some sort of tracks we're going to do a top five yes we want to try and come tracks. We're going to do a top five.

Yes. We want to try and come up with the Hathaway, the official top five of something. So we've done like comedy films and the bass, comedy actors, villains, Finn. What is this week's top five? This week's top five is going to be, I think, an interesting one.

It's top five forms of chicken. So this can be a nugget or a wing or a breast. Battery or free range. That would be a top two, Jamie, wouldn't it? What's the best way to cook a chicken? Okay, so... Am I cooking it? No.

No. So you go into the chicken restaurant, you walk in, it's not called Nando's, it's called Rowie Baggs Chicken Gaff, right? And you walk in and I'm like, I can do you chicken any way. You can have fried wings, baked wings, you can have roast chicken. Well, I'd go with Mr can do you chicken anyway. You can have fried wings, baked wings. You can have roast chicken.

Well, I'd go, Mr. Rory Bags, can you leave the kitchen and go to Mr. Kebab? Why? Because he has mint chicken wings, mate. Go with the wing? Mr. Kebab chicken wings. You wear the gristle, the gristly one. Yeah, on the bone.

I think if we get bogged down in the specific venues of but you're saying wing is your top yeah wing like the KFC style though not a not a wet wing

do you know what I mean don't want the wet wing lad so I I would we'll start with wings wings go right at the top for me no

wings are out I think wings are the worst type of chicken wings are number one and that is that no no no wings are the worst type of chicken but here's are number one, and that is that. No, no, no. Wings are the worst type of chicken. But here's my thing with wings.

Just before we crack on, I just want to qualify this. I actually disagree with you on the KFC style. I think a wing, I prefer it dry, and then I'll put my own sauce on as and when I want. Yep. Normally buffalo sauce, but I don't think you need to do anything to a wing. Just cut it off the chicken,

put its fucking head in the bin, and fry it. You need breadcrumbs on, though. No. Or batter. No, to do anything to a wing. Just cut it off the chicken, put its fucking head in the bin, and fry it. You need breadcrumbs on, though. No. Or batter. No, bollocks ruins the wing. Wings are a scam, because you get the least amount of chicken.

You get a tiny little morsel of chicken, and you have to fuck about so much to get it. Like, the meat near the bone is the juiciest it ever gets. And there's so much bone to meat ratio. Hang on, you're not going to say thigh, are you? Tasty. What's that, eh? You're not going to say thigh, are you?

No, I'm going to say spatchcock. What's a spatchcock? What the fuck just happened here? That sounds made up, lad. Can you Google that please, Finn? Spatchcock? Sounds like a kitchen utensil. Sounds like a fucking carrots and a dickens nozzle.

So what have you done to it? Old spatchcock. How to spatchcock a chicken. I can't believe you don't understand. Butterfly. Like, butterfly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The term spatchcock is rumoured to be a 17th century shorthand

for dispatching the cock. Meaning to open the chicken carcass in order to cook it. That's not a type of chicken though. That's just you flattening it out before you roast it. So you're saying roast chicken. What? No, I'm saying in, all right, okay. A roast chicken like that.

Yes, that's the best type of chicken. Has it got bone in? What? Does it have its bone? Well, you take the bone out and you flatten it. So the spine of the chicken, you get rid of that and then you flatten it down. Yeah.

Or do you know what else is a better type of chicken than wings? Parmo. Oh, no. The middle spread thing. Are you going into his gaffer, Rowie's chicken gaffer, and going, can I have a roasted spatchcock, please? You will be escorted off the premises. I'll have a roast chicken and then a chicken parmo.

So a chicken parmo, for those who don't know, is essentially, it's like a pizza, but with chicken instead of the bread. It's a schnitzel, essentially. It's too sickly. It's too sickly with that bechamel sauce, mate. Can you stick it to the lasagna, lad? All right, okay.

Well, take parmo out and just put schnitzel. Chicken schnitzel. Stop saying stupid words. What kind of fucking travelling paedophile are you? The best types of chicken. I want a spatchcock and a schnitzel, please. No, you can keep your breast. You can keep your wings.

You can keep your chicken burgers. You can keep your thighs. I want a chicken schnitzel. Do I get this? What are you talking about? Spatchcock or schnitzel? Can you spatchcock? Schnitzel looks quite good, to be fair.

What? Schnitzel looks quite nice. All it is, is that just a breaded chicken? How have you never had schnitzel before? I probably have. I'm a veggie now. You just don't call it a schnitzel, do you? What is it?

It's just a fucking chicken burger without the bun. Yeah, but it's not got the depth of a chicken burger. It's shit, lad. It's like someone sat on a burger, lad. You've never had schnitzel, have you? Yeah, I've had a fucking parmo, mate. The dog shit, lad. Parmo and schnitzel are different.

Well, the base is the same. Yeah, but one of them is made by a wonderful Eastern European man who's brought his family's recipes over and the other one's made by some fucking Northeastern dildo in a fucking kebab shop somewhere. Freddie, have you ever had a chicken nugget? They will blow your fucking mind. It's not that big, it's just chicken. Chicken nuggets are in my top five.

So I'd go spatchcock schnitzel. Maybe stand it on. Wait, Fred needs to finish this list. Spatchcock schnitzel. Nugget, go on. Kiev. Come on, lad. It's good, but it's not really the top ten.

It's good, but it's not right. It's not really the top ten, but it is good. Okay. And then Mc... McChicken what? The nugget? McChicken sandwich. So you've got a burger, a nugget, and a chicken sandwich all in your top five.

Yes. Which are essentially three different sizes of the same thing. McChicken sandwich is a big nugget. Wing top of the list wing is top of the shot wing's too much fucking about

how spicy hang on you're pulling a chicken's arsehole out and flattening it out we're on a boat no I'm not doing that myself

it comes having that done to it okay with a wing you've got a fucking I will fucking about

suck the chicken off the bone but also as well you look like such a fucking I will I will suck the chicken off the bone but also as well you look like such a fucking knob eating a wing yeah you look like a dickhead

you look like a fucking high society lord walking in with your schnitzel and your spatchcock hello sir I am high class can I have a spatchcock

please I do eat like I'm an 18th century nobleman you are hey me the 8th ask yeah what was your question?

How spicy are you having your wing? Buffalo. I like it. Frank's sound, it's not going to blow you. It's not a hot one. Four out of five chillies. Yeah.

Well, you've heard about my dip fest, haven't you? What? Oh my God, don't get any... Dip fest two thousand. Right, look, honestly, honestly,

do yourselves a favour. I know he's going to talk about it, but if you're listening to this, save yourself 10 minutes, because once he says this, your brain's going to fall out your fucking arse. Your brain's going to fall out your arse. You think you know,

fire-starting fucking council house smashed up, sitting on a quad bike with his weird, wanky friends, Jamie Hutchinson. Just, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard him say that's the trailer just that

yeah Dipfest is basically loads of breaded products yeah mainly chicken but you know

council house food like a Wednesday night tea yeah yeah where you just read the freezer and you've got like prawns that go in the oven

onion bargees nuggets onion mings when you're in the shop and you go let's justs that go in the oven, onion bargees, nuggets, onion mings. When you're in the shop and you go, let's just get a picky tea. Yeah. That's a big thing. That's a top five in itself. Just a sea of beige. Yeah. On one plate.

It's basically working class tapas, isn't it? Yeah. And the second plate, this is very important now. There's rules. It's like an artist's palette, you know? you know where it's got yeah yeah yeah blobs yeah on the outer rim you have your sources four or five on the outer yeah and you have your central source your headline acts yeah now it important every time you have another dip fest the middle has to change so if you're brand new to the, I suggest mayo because it goes with all of them.

And the outer rim, every single time, you have to try a new sauce, like an open spot sauce, and see if it works its way up to, you know, headline standard. Yeah.

Dip fest. Are you at the end? Okay. So you have a plate, and there's like five sauces on the outside and one in the middle. Yeah, yeah. But next time you do this, next week five sausages on the outside and one in the middle. Yeah, yeah. But next time you do this,

next week, you change the middle one. Change the middle. So it might be reggae reggae for April. Reggae reggae April. Is that like for January? I'm having reggae reggae April.

It's Notting Hill Carnival month. Get the reggae reggae house. Let's be, let's make it appropriate. And then, and then May you might go to a Malaysiangae reggae house, let's be, let's make it appropriate. And then, and then May, you might go to a Malaysian chilli sauce.

No, it's going to be mayo, isn't it, for May? May, yeah. Mayo, May?

Yeah, but mayo is, you know, it's a main stage, I mean, it's, it's, it's so versatile.

What's the, what's the, who's got the best ratio, who's won the most times, is it mayo? Mayo's very versatile, do you know what I mean? I mean,

it's a boring answer, but you need these linchpin sauces versatile do you know what I mean I mean it's a boring answer but you need these linchpin sauces do you know what I mean what's the most you need these linchpin sauces what's the most

rogue sauce that you've ever put on a plate who's been relegated and never come back who's Bradford erm that's so good

what's a Bradford sauce wow that is good. There's different brands of pepper sauce that haven't made it. Like a Thai pepper sauce, but the wrong brand doesn't always make it. And the reason why is consistency, because it's quite runny. It runs. And you're an open spot, you're running into the headline, you're when it overruns.

And it runs in it. an open spot, you're on the sideline, you're when it overruns. And it runs in. Is it a Derby County? Is the one that you're like, oh, that's the worst ever? Or is it a West Brom where every other month it's there, but then it keeps getting pushed out? Oh, yeah, American mustard. It's great on a hot dog. Yeah.

But with a goujon, you need another sauce on there this is my favourite goujons where do goujons go I love a goujon a bit of cake goujon I've got to be honest

with you if we're talking specifically what is labelled as a goujon it's too wide isn't it no

no listen a goujon doesn't come close to the top five, but a chicken strip, which is not a goujon, is a lot better. That's what I meant by wide. A chicken strip has got like-

Things get called goujons, but it shouldn't be called goujon. A dip is a goujon. Like a chicken strip is like you rip the strip open and it looks like perfectly formed chicken breast. Chicken select from Mackey's. Yeah, a chicken select. A chicken goujon is like reformed shite chicken.

Yeah, like a nugget. Is chicken gravy in this combo? Chicken gravy? Because I'll bathe in that, mate. I don't think that's a form of chicken. That's a type of gravy. KFC gravy, bro. Yeah, great.

One of the kinds of chickens, their thighs are loads of shite. Whoa, thighs are lovely. No. Thighs are excellent. Thighs are good. Shin a curry. They're better than breast in a curry,

but they're not like, you're not having a roast chicken thigh. No, you're not eating a thigh. No, all right. Okay, okay. I think the meat on a thigh is so much better. It is if you're putting it in something, I think. But if you're having like a roast chicken thing at home. I about a thigh unless you get it boneless it's not worth the

better flavor is not worth the extra effort yeah 100 i'm going wing yep i'm going roast chicken like a roast chicken i think itcock. Sure, if you need it. I would put like chicken burger, whether that's a schnitzel or some sort of thing, I think is fourth. I think chicken strips, not goujons, are third. And I'd have nuggets in the five as well. So if you want me to put that in an actual order,

I'd go wings number one at the top. I'd do strip second nuggets third burger fourth roast chicken fifth hate to put a spanner in the works i've seen you order a chicken sheesh quite a lot when we've been having food uh that is more for health than that's me that's me trying to be healthy that's chicken donna's good as well chicken shawarma oh chicken shawarma in case you've missed that an you Google in case you've missed an obvious chicken? I haven't missed a kebab. What? In case you've missed an obvious shape of chicken.

Types of chicken. Oh, no, that's good. Yeah, chicken dishes. I wonder how fast spatchcock is on Google. Is there anything we've missed? Because I'd forgotten. A Kiev. A Kiev is a good child.

Spatchcock sounds like the perfect nickname for what you are as a person. Tico? You're an absolute spatchcock, Jamie Hutchinson. With your dip fest're an absolute spatchcock Jamie Hutchinson when you dip fest you fucking spatchcock tikka

tikka is a flavour of chicken yeah yeah yeah what did you call it before it's more of a marinade isn't it oh drumstick what about drumstick

when I was a kid heavy Bernard Matthews nah drumsticks not that when I was a kid they were heavy drumsticks are dreadful

like a chicken leg yeah the waste bit of the chicken. How bad is... You look like you're at a fucking joust. I would not be at a barbecue. No, a chicken leg on a cold buffet is the worst thing on a buffet.

Yeah. All the mini sausages. No, I mean Bernard Matthews ones. Yeah, the old... So cold chicken from the park. What about that? What about a frozen lad? Oh, no, you talk about the one... Oh, yeah, frozen one. I thought you were talking about the... Sliced chicken? Yeah, that's the worst. Like wa that? What about a frozen lad? Oh, no, you're talking about

the one with the frozen one. I thought you were talking about the sliced chicken. Yeah, that's the worst. Like wafer thin chicken. Nah. That can't be. Give me some fucking ham.

That doesn't even make a butter. I don't think we've missed any, but comment below. What's your favourite kind of chicken? I think we've covered the chicken gamut. Yeah. What's your favourite kind of chicken?

I think that people are going to back me and say that wings are phenomenally overrated. No. I think you're going to be surprised at just how many schnitzel fans listen to this. We are, yeah. I don't like the messiness of an open wing.

The what? An unbattered wing. It's all on your fingers and stuff. I don't like the admin of it. There's so much admin involved in wings. It's worth it. So much admin. If you've got a blue roll on the table that you're it's all on your fingers and stuff don't like the admin of it there's so much admin involved in wings it's worth it so much admin

if you've got a blue roll on the table you're fine I'm fucking starving now and you don't you don't get a lot for what for all the fannying about

you don't that's what wings are they're faff they're unnecessary faff wing Wednesday wing Wednesday was unlimited wings you get a barbecue

a dry and a franks unlimited with a blue roll and a bevy I prefer to dip than slather. Yeah, but you can't. I like a mix.

I'll have half of them slathered and half of them dry. Blue cheese is nice with a wing. Dog shit. Blue cheese is the worst thing that's God ever invented. Really? I like a blue cheese. It stinks too much. It's horrible.

It smells like sick. I don't want it. No? You never had it on like a burger or anything like that, no? If it comes on the plate in a pot next to me chicken wings, it knocks me sick.

Then you're upset at that. Yeah. You know, I've got certain foods that I'll never touch. Beans, isn't it? I've never had beans. Yeah, because you're both freaks. I'm saying I'm mashed.

Oh, if you get up a picture of mashed potato, watch him get... No, don't do that, man. Why are you scared of mashed potato? I've never asked. Well, I was really fussy. Yeah, but it's... The idea, it looks like it's been regurgitated.

It's called mash, you know. Yeah, but I mean, I got out of my mushroom fair because when I get my sick... Yeah, that'll do it. Because my brother was on his yoghurt. Pretty sure they had that episode on Freaky Eaters, didn't they? Because my mum was, you know, harsh mum. Do you know what I mean?

And I was a fussy eater, so she had to, like, beat it out of me. So she said, like, have your mushroom soup because your brother's already on his yoghurt. And if he finishes that yoghurt before you eat, like, mushroom soup, I'm going to bat him. So I'm sc your mushroom soup because your brother's already on his yoghurt. And if he finishes that yoghurt before you eat that mushroom soup, I'm going to bat at you. So I'm scramming mushroom soup and the idea of it made me sick. So it's like a whisper in a never-ending bowl

of mushroom soup because I'm eating it, throwing up. And my mum came in and I just had to scram my own sick in that and mushrooms. But I can now, great, I can go overkill mushrooms. Ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of this week's episode

of Have a Word, the podcast. Hope you've enjoyed it. I can't wait till Dan's back. Yeah, we had to have a word, but we're not following that. Nope. That's the carpet. Jamie, what's your social media accounts? Jamie H Comedy accommodate on Twitter

and Instagram, please. Good. Freddie? Freddie Quinn, Freddie with a Y, Q-U-I-N-N-E. Follow us, Twitter, Instagram.

Yeah. There are very limited tickets left for all of the Havoward live dates. There's quite a lot of tickets left for some of my tour dates because everyone thinks they're sold out.

Because Ticketmaster is sold out. That's not the case. There's still a lot of tickets left. Cardiff, for example, if one more person messages me and goes, add another Cardiff date, lad, I will when the 500 tickets that are left are sold.

Please go to adamro.co.uk or livenation.co.uk and search my name. It will take you to the website that has tickets left, whether that's Ticketmaster or the venue website itself. That's it. Have a good week. Very gone to Nashville. There's probably a song as well.

There is a song. Before the song. My show in Jimmy's, me and my band's debut show in Jimmy's is on sale now. You can get that on Skiddle. I would really, really, it would mean a lot to me if we sold that out. It's in June. This week's song is from Weekend weekend wars and this is a song called champagne eyes nice god The silence is easy, I beg you don't tease me

They told me to follow the rain I know it's hard to believe but I can't keep my eyes shut These visions are keeping me sane And I've got a little place down by the sea It's not much but it's enough for me And the tide comes in in the evening If the water's warm they be beating In the morning when we say goodbye

No questions, no I won't ask why He'll call you just as you're leaving Go ahead girl, dig your teeth in You know I'm a slow burner I know you're a soldier I only wanna see you looking at me with your champagne eyes Your champagne eyes Calm me down, I'm coming up My head's spinning, my eyes are wide shut

Hold me back, I'm moving on Jump the moon, I'll run the sun Starry eyes, it's no surprise I'm on my knees, I wonder why Father, father, help me please I'm begging you to see You know I'm a slow burner I know you're a soldier I only wanna see you looking me in champagne eyes You know I was over that

I know you're a soldier I only wanna see you looking me with giant eyes You know I'm a slow burner I know you're a soldier I only wanna see you looking at me With your champagne eyes Champagne eyes Champagne eyes I only want to see you next time. you