Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #22 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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favour pause the pod here go and do that now and then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man

Okie dokie Picking a pokey Good morning Jump seekers Oh my god Ok it's happening Catch me outside How about that

Is that Dave No There's no uncle Dave here Ok Who the fuck is that guy Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. Shut down dailies.

Let's get through this mess together here we go, baby. We've got new equipment. We've got... I've got me roadcaster. It's the future. We've got the soundboard back. Thousands. Thousands of pounds.

Thousands. Who the fuck is that guy? Which, I mean, which have you missed the most? The sustain! Nasty bitch! Yeah. Upset me! Nasty bitch!

Yeah. Can I tell you... Can I just play quickly what I uploaded for the first episode of us being remote? Because I knew I was going to miss you. Hello. Lid, it's me. I'm in Chester. After all these years you've lied's me. I'm in Chester.

You cannot fucking sing this, mate. You're not Adele. They say a town's supposed to heal. Oh, mate. I'm not healing. I have kind of missed you. I have kind of missed you, senior. It's different when you're doing a weekly podcast And you come out and you're like

It's felt very different Yeah it is It's definitely a different vibe Doing it every day via Via interweb I'm so glad we got the soundboard back I've missed it and I know the fans have missed it too So it's good to have it back in the game.

We respond to the fans. We love you guys, and we want to be able to play your borderline racist. Ah! Upset me! Nasty bitch! That's our flavour. That's our flavour, baby. I'm having a bit of a trouble.

I'm having a bit of a problem with the biscuit supply, Adam. I don't know where you're at with this, but we bought sort of two months shut down biscuit supply, and I've eaten about a month and a half's worth on my own. In 10 days. Oh, yeah, we fucking just keep eating biscuits all the time, mate. Well, I did a big shop yesterday. I got a leg of lamb and it's going in the oven

as soon as I'm done talking to your fucking face today. A sex prop. Oh, mate, I'm so excited, you know. What, where did you know what where did you do how did you do the big shot went to did you go late

oh by the way let me say a massive go fuck yourself like this very rarely happens to me okay I'm not

well known enough I'm not like Paul Smith or John Bishop but occasionally when I'm out and about someone will try and get like a selfie

someone tried to do that yesterday in Tesco I was like no like Paul Smith or John Bishop, but occasionally when I'm out and about, someone will try and get like a selfie. Someone tried to do that yesterday in Tesco. I was like, no. I was like, mate, I can't do that right now. We can't be getting right next to each other and taking a photograph with your hand on me. And he was like, oh, getting a bit too big for fans and getting photos. I was like, it's nothing to do

with that, lads. I love taking a photo with a fan. I'm blown away when people stop me and they say that they enjoy my stuff, it's nothing to do with that, lads. I love taking a photo with a fan. I'm blown away when people stop me and they say that they enjoy my stuff. It's nothing to do with hubris. There's a fucking global pandemic on you, daft cunt, and I want to kill me, dad. Oh, I can't believe people are so unselfaware

that they're like, oh, yeah, it's because you've got an attitude problem. It's not because I'm a thick cunt who doesn't get social distancing. Oh. Jar! Upset me! Nasty bitch!

Yes! So good to have him back, innit? Oh, hey, we need to note this down. Can we ask Kane Brown to be on this podcast? 100%. You know, we were just going through the names of people. People have been like, we definitely need Freddie Quinn,

Kate Curd, Rob Mulholland. Loads of people have been asking, Tess freddie quinn cake herd rob moore holland loads of people have been asking tesla ass but shit i've totally forgot we gotta get kane brown on oh a little exclusive here coming on in the next couple of weeks is andrew schultz he's agreed to a new york juggernaut comic andrew schultz is coming on the pod baby oh king i'm gonna not talk about wanking so much on that episode. Who is this fucking lid? Was this a late night, midnight, corona, right in the middle of the roller shutdown? You were right.

All the shops shut at 8 o'clock now. There's no 24-hour supermarket. Thank you. I went about 6 o'clock yesterday. Still busy. Between like 6 six and seven i was there i did like a full shop to get us through like a week or so got loads of snacks mate oh the genuine joy in your voice then got i got like popcorn i got a bag of sweet a bag of salty oh got new crisps oh what crisps you got a lamb all right with the lamb mate crisp crisps and lamb when this leg of lamb comes out the oven later i'm gonna send it to you you're

gonna be blown away is there any other uh like limbs of a lamb you like arm of lamb or arm of lamb or is it just leg did you run out of limbs then I was going to say tail lamb tail like the arm and the and well you do like the leg yeah so

okay end of humour end of the humour who was he how did he do it I'm annoyed for you but did he just genuinely come over and go alright lad I've seen you on fucking

he's like alright Adam lad watch your videos let's get a selfie lad and I went lad we can't do that at the minute can we and he went

what you mean you're too big for your fans now can't even get a photo I went lad it's nothing to do with that is it it's a global pandemic

we want to stay two metres away from each other you're already too close yeah you see that person who works here that's shouting please stay apart

that's not for celebrities walking around the West Derby fucking Tesco getting pestered I'm not yeah she's not with me

hi I'm just ringing up ringing up hi it's Adam yeah I will be coming to do a big shop today could you get a member of staff

with one of those pointy things just to shout at people who try and get any form of selfie with me? Thank you very much. Pam, you're on road duty. If he listens to this podcast, maybe he does, never know, then lads, chill your fucking beans. I cannot wait to get back to doing gigs and mingling with people

and taking selfies and shit. That's what we're all waiting for. But for now, protect your nan, la protect your nan oh mate, the thank you gig that we do for all the Patreon, oh, there's going to be touching, hugging Pam's going to be there, there's going to be a bit of banging

oh, it's going to be great oh, I'll sign your dick, I'll sign your nipple bring a leg of lamb Adam will nibble it, then sign it bring it over. But for now, keep your fucking distance. You know what I've seen before online, just while we're on the shutdown subject,

there's some lad, right, and I'll put a photo of this on the Instagram and the Twitter, we'll put it in today's episode release Photoshop. He says I've clocked the conspiracy because there's a big conspiracy going around that there's no virus. There is a virus, but it's being caused by 5G, the new

wireless internet for the next generation of phones. Look, I'll show you via the camera here. On the new £20 notes, right at the top, there's something that he thinks is a virus.

Can you see that? Yeah. Right? And then that little thing below it is a tower. Yeah. Right?

And I just love that these conspiracy things, like I love a good conspiracy. I'm fully in that Bush did 9-11. Jeff Fuel can't melt steel beams. I'm fully in on board with

all that shit, right? If there is a mass international Illuminati co-government conspiracy, they're not leaving fucking clues on the money. Do you know what I mean? If this is happening, they're keeping it to themselves.

It's not hansel and gretel they're not leaving breadcrumbs for us to go and find and put it together they're keeping it behind closed doors and that would suggest that the british government were in on the plot and i'd say if you watch the absolute fucking stuttering clusterfuck that was the start of policy on covid19 from this government i don't think they had a lot of prep time for this like this is why you're stupid man this is why you're stupid that's what they want you to think that's what they want you to think yeah that's what they want they want they put an idiot in charge they the boris johnson's far more intelligent you give him credit for he knows oh he is oh i'm not saying

he's exactly what he's doing that man and he has got you he he's made you a sheep bro he's made you a sheep you he you think exactly what he wants you to think oh my god if he if he's at the head of the conspiracy i'll be fucking surprised what what international conspiracy fucks every country which ones who like you're like if one country gains and everyone else loses out you're like yeah maybe there's something going on there you haven't been googling russia much lately daniel you haven't been looking into russia they've had 11 cases 11 it's the biggest country in the goddamn world they've got they've got ships going around the world getting ready for war daniel that's what they're doing

they're weakening the whole world and russia's gonna invade us all you're a fucking idiot daniel that's what they want you to think they want you to think no one's getting Vladimir Putin. Vladimir is going to be Putin on your head, motherfucker. You're going to be dead. I'm going to be living in the garage with my tins of soup. Oh, my God. This is my new character. I live eating all my biscuits.

So fucking sad. I think you need this leg of lamb. I think you've gone fucking insane, mate. One selfie and the prospect of a leg of lamb. Today's going to be the day I snap, you know. Really? Yeah. You felt really normal until you started doing conspiracy theories.

This is my problem with conspiracies, is I dislike them so much, but I dislike the people who come up with them more, and so I completely shut down like an absolute shill. I'm like, you're all fucking morons and I don't care. If one person I like comes up with a good conspiracy theory, I'd be like,

well, it's interesting. Yeah. Kind of do. Yeah. Interesting. Challenge accepted. Well,

don't, don't fucking slide into my conspiracy. I hate DMs. I love a good conspiracy. Yeah. It's a good one. You what? Like a good conspiracy. Like 9-11.

That's a good one, isn't it? No. What do you mean, no? It's not a good one, is it? Do you think 9-11 was nothing? Do you think they didn't know about it? Who? The American government. Do you think it was11 was nothing? Do you think they didn't know about it? Who? The American government.

Do you think it was a surprise to them? Do you not think they were involved at all? Do you think they blew up the World Trade Center? I think it's very possible. Cool. I doubt it. I doubt it. I just don't think people are not stupid enough to keep...

Just tell. You've literally found out by now everything comes out don't like we'll see when we're when we're old men when we're doing episode 1872 like bloody hell i can't believe we've been in shutdown for 36 years then when all the papers come out it's like oh yeah 9 11 but until then fucking what a load of shit. I love it how everyone's like a fucking structural engineer because they've watched three YouTube videos. No, no, because steel doesn't melt. Oh, shut the fuck

up. You've got a GCSE in fucking art. No, no. Nah, I'm convinced that that was an inside job, 9-11, man. I've went down the rabbit hole on that one. Mate, I've not even found out who my real dad is never mind who fucking did

World Trade Centre George Bush is your dad no motherfucker no now watch this drive yeah you've literally conspiracy yourself into a corn like

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know anymore your character's left you tired I nearly killed my daughter before with you know the prison cell that I'm doing all the recording editing and sleeping in which is

I thought about that you know I thought about you know the weapons for the old chainsaw and the weapons thing it I thought about that, you know. I thought about, you know, the weapons for the old chainsaw and the weapons thing. It sounds really good having it, but I've bought an electric one, so it's really one of the most fucking pointless zombie attack weapons you can imagine.

You'd have to plug it in. I'd have to fucking go and plug it in. What an absolute... The zombies are like, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me going, Laura, where's the extension? Where's the extension cable, Laura? That'd be the fucking,

that'd be the lamest zombie film. Look at that bald dickhead getting eaten. It's not plugged into the wall. It's not plugged into the wall. Walking into this cafe in aero, can I charge my chainsaw? Guys, I'm so sorry. I'll buy a coffee if if i have to but there's 18 zombies chasing me outside and i just need to charge my chainsaw have a latte at lacto free can i just pop the cab like this in thanks very much

deal with this zombie fucking for that anyway uh she came in the room and i've put stupidly put the bed near the window and i walked in my room to see my daughter on the bed just looking out the window that she could have climbed onto the ledge and then i would have been uh down one daughter which oh fucking awful moment you're like oh god that would have been a nightmare that wouldn't it because i'd have had to do this on my own how many pods do you have to take off for a fatality that's a good question actually if your daughter comes in no okay let's let's put an amount of pods yeah let's put an amount of pods i have to miss for each each death you know because like death is tiered isn't it so we got one on start with the that my daughter

dying is like the champions league one where i'm considering not doing comedy again uh granddad 94 he's 95 in september he is now quarantined and fucked off with it they've uh i'll give you half a day for that they've turned off the premier league if he dies in the afternoon, right, before the pod, then we'll miss that day. But, like, if he dies of a night, you should be back on form by the time the pod's around the next day. You know what I mean?

You get 12 hours there. So you're potentially giving me half a pod off. You're like, all right, we've set out the first bit, but you've got to listen to the other words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Justice must be served. Right, all right. My dad. Parents. What are you taking off for a parent? listen to the other words yeah yeah justice must be served right all right my dad's parents what

what are you taking off for a parent i mean i hardly ever fucking hear from them anyway so i think that might be i think you know i might not even find out about it for a while just because it's one closer to you and i'll give you a full day for that you give me one you give me one pod off yeah i'll get a guest hosting um well i'll do tweet or two for you, say that I feel sorry for you and all that. You get a full day. What for Laura and Jade? I reckon we can just crack on. I'm not going to be able to just crack on, am I?

Because someone's going to have to look after Etta. I've got to think these things through, mate. You've got your brother-in-law there. James. What's his name? Is it James? Sam, can you imagine everyone's like, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Who leaves a

fucking chainsaw plugged in? I can't believe it. She chopped her own head off because she never uses fucking gardening equipment she didn't know how to she's decapitated herself and i'll be like i know it's so awful in it could you just hold that to her i'm just a pop-up can you just keep it quiet can you keep your morning to a minimum just turn the volume down because these microphones for the podcast are very close she's still going to be dead in an hour. I have got to feed my daughter. Patreon is a demanding

mistress. How about this? Look, if Laura dies, okay? Oh, I've got to have a week off. I've got to have a week off. A week? Oh, I'd have to have a week off. A week? I just don't. How could you do a wanking story before the funeral? Well, you'd probably

have more. You'd probably have more wanking stories if you were single. Oh, death wank. A grief wank. That's a good question. How long would you wait to have a wank if Laura died? I could use my tears as lube yeah pre or post funeral

you've got to crack one out pre funeral that would trump Eshan's mum story if you were just wanking at the side of the grave just lowered her in with my dick this is the darkest episode we've done and we're only 15 minutes in yeah I think you'd have to crack one out pre funeral load her in with my dick. This is the darkest episode we've done and we're only 15 minutes in.

Yeah, I think you'd have to crack one out pre-funeral because otherwise you're just going to be a bit horny, aren't you? Then you're like, oh god, it's a condolence, it's done. And then, you know, someone's helping me grieve and I'm like, oh god. See you at the wake. I reckon I'd do it as the buffet opens

so that everyone else is distracted. You know what I mean? You'd have to wank at the funeral, that wasn't the wake. I reckon I'd do it as the buffet opens so that everyone else is distracted. You know what I mean? Mate, you'd have to wank at the funeral. That wasn't the thing. That's not what we were talking about. I know I've got a problem. I'm not that fucking bad. You're not allowed to pour scorn on anyone's

masturbation location. I don't. I don't. I'm just saying, even in this imagination, you're not cracking one out at a funeral there's danger wanks and then there's just being ludicrous don't judge me i won't judge you how long would we have to take off if one of us dies it's time to have a word with adam send us all the problems that you have with your friend so it's me again. I'm telling you right now, if I die,

okay, and I'm high risk, I'm asthmatic, fat, I BS'd a lot. People keep asking for selfies when there's a fucking pandemic roaming around. If I die,

I will be pissed off with you from above if there's an afterlife if you don't do an episode that very same day. Just a quick word from our sponsor. Beer52, thanks for doing the catering at Adam's Wake, which was held at Vauxhall Comedy Club.

Jade's looking good. Jade's looking good. What are you saying? Mini. Hi, Guy. You've got a crack on oh I don't I might take an afternoon no I want it like I want an episode in memoriam

as quickly as possible can you imagine if I turn up to the funeral with my headphones on with the roadcast and start like, it's what Adam wanted. That is what I want. That is exactly what I want. I'm going to write a will later.

My last will and testament is going to include, you are to interview everyone at the funeral. Freddie. I want you to set up at the back of the church, because I'm a lapsed Catholic, but I'll have a Catholic funeral. Yeah. And you should interview everyone.

So how did you know, Adam? I want to paint a picture. Just get Father O'Doherty who's doing the... And now, before we pray... Who the fuck is that guy? The Holy Spirit. Amen. In the name of the Father, and the who the fuck is that guy?

Amen. In the name of the Father, the who the fuck is that guy? Amen. In the name of the father, the who the fuck is that guy, the nasty bitch upset. Oh, fucking ridiculous. Freddie Quinn just tried to call me. Freddie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who the fuck is that guy?

Yeah, man. I've noticed a few of our comedian mates aren't as chipper as they were, say, four or five days ago. I don't know. I don't know how you're finding it, but there's been a slight change in the atmosphere of the phone calls. Some people are like, and you're like, guys, fucking buckle up, because this is still...

We're literally coming around the first bend. That's all. It's not like we're near the end. We've been on lockdown for ten days. Yeah. And you think it's going to be long. I think it's going to be two and a half months. I think it's going to be between three and six.

I know you don't like hearing that, but I do. And I am now getting to the point where I'm getting a bit, I need a gig of some kind, or I need to go to the i need something i think tonight when are we doing that um lock-in thing that online drink when do you want to do it i'm game i haven't drunk since february do you remember in leicester i came back like i need a drink i'll give you the login because you haven't got instagram have you i'll give you the login because you haven't got Instagram have you? I'll give you the login for the Hover words Log into Instagram with that and we'll live stream each other

on Instagram and we'll just chat shit and get pissed I've got about 8 bottles of whiskey in the house 10 bottles of gin and I bought a 12 pack of Brewdog Punk IPA yesterday

I'm ready to go I might just get twatted tonight playing FIFA to be honest with you I'll tell you what I'm going to do I'm going to get my beer52.com order in and then we'll do it I'm not going go. I might just get twice as night playing FIFA, to be honest with you. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to get my beer52.com order in and then we'll do it. I'm not going to do it tonight. Let's do it Saturday night. We're not podding Sunday.

Okay. Adam and Dan's locking. Okay. Saturday night. Shall we do it? Okay. Shall we have a beverage? A beverage Saturday night. Instagram live. I need a drink

yeah i just i need to i'm excited right let's do it i'm gonna do a warm-up tonight on my own he's doing that classic thing like we go with the big night saturday thursday have a few i always do that every stag day i've ever been to like saturday's the big night let's hold it back tonight, lads. Don't fucking go too crazy. End of Friday night, I'm like, grabbing off a beacon off my tits. Yeah, I've got form for that.

When I'm lying there in your arms, fighting it's hard to believe. Next tune. Oh, killed the mood. Oh dear, we'll play this at your funeral. It's me. Is it a conspiracy, his death? This is what I sing when I'm hungover,

so I'll deliver him, you take away. Hello, can you hear me? I'm fucking starving. Leave the stuff at the door. I'll come and get it in a minute. I already paid online. I poured a two pound tip on. Now get the fuck out of my house.

Hey, where are they at with the delivery men? Where are they at with tips? Where are they at with tips? Because you know they want money, but you're not... I've been tipping online. You can tip online. Yeah, no, but what if you're being a dick about it and you're like, I'm going to literally get a £5 note out,

which is a good tip, and then I'm going to lick it a little bit, like... Lick it a little bit of their own and be like, got a tip for you. Where do you think they'd be with that? I think they'd tell you to fuck off and stop being a cunt. Why would you do that to someone? I don't know if they would, you know. I think they'd be like, you fucking dick.

And then take the money. Rub it on your balls. Whee! I take this, but I'm not happy about it. Why is he Russian? I am a Russian Domino's driver. Take your fucking chicken three pills, you stupid bitch

because it's a conspiracy you say because russia is still delivering dominoes yeah oh shit that's what they want you to think that's what they want no you're stupid listen to your fucking stupid shit get off youtube be a man eat the dominoes fuck a bear this has gone weird this one my wife died 10 minutes ago I still deliver fucking dominoes stupid

I got another wife and so he should crack on baby right let's have a little interval it's enough silly now we've got correspondence have we? yes

these fucking animals keep writing in with video on YouTube on social media at have a word pod it's have a word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale this is from Johnny Armstrong question question Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. This is from Johnny Armstrong. Question. Question.

Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. Was that Destiny's Child? Question. Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle. Tell me what you think about me. Oh, I see what you did now. Question.

I thought you were just randomly singing Destiny's Child. No, I don't. I fucking love Destiny's Child. Would like you guys thoughts on the following. A few weeks back when everyone went mad and bought all the Luro, all the Luro, my wife and I decided to make our own emergency wipes. I'll say this, Johnny Armstrong, you're already a fucking animal. I decided to make our own emergency wipes.

And then he's put in brackets, cut up squares of old towel soaked in essential oils. Currently, currently, let me finish. This guy's a fucking nutcase. Currently, lemongrass and tea tree.

We'd done the same when our son was potty training and we were burning through wet wipes. The process is you have two Tupperware boxes by the toilet. What I love to do coke with this guy. The process is you have two Tupperware boxes by the toilet. I love to do coke with this guy. The process is you have two... This guy's an animal. He's the guy at the stag do with the fucking itinerary like, guys, please, here's your lanyards. The process

is you have two Tupperware boxes by the toilet. One with fresh, ready-to-go, homemade wipes. The other for used used wipes waiting to be boil washed hang on whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa have they been up someone's ass yes with these uh bum wipes not like face wipes right as in he's replacing loo roll, as in what you wipe your arse with. Now you're on board. Right.

Oh! The idea is that you use standard toilet paper to get the worst... Oh, hang on. Back up for Johnny. Back up for Johnny. The idea is that you use standard toilet paper to get the worst off,

then you use the home wipes to clean and polish. He's winning me over. This guy is winning me over. So overall, I've been pretty happy with the system and feeling clean as a whistle. However, my wife mentioned our system to one of her mates who was horrified and so aghast that she left a nine roll of toilet paper outside of our house

saying that even in times of crisis, there is a standard of decency we should not drop below. That bitch sounds like a real fucking laugh. My wife has now stopped using the wipes. She's been fucking bum wipe shamed, but I kind of like him. So what do you think, guys? Home wipes, ingenious or nasty?

Upset me, nasty bitch! Or a bit of both. Well, I'll give you this, Johnny Armstrong. His name is not Johnny Armstrong anymore. His name is the same as a popular cartoon character. That's Bravo. Johnny Bravo. Johnny Bravo.

Bravo, Johnny, mate, because you're a fucking genius. Oh, that is... Hang on, one minute. Do you want me to just go through the whole check thing? It's basically cut up bits of old towel he's soaked in essential oils babe so hard to not read essential oils in a gay voice like essential oils currently lemongrass and tea tree that's my little concoction i make it you know you know um and then he puts them in two box clean box on one side and then there's a little bit of tubware on the other they do the shit wiping but then for that last white when you're like is it poo is it you know just

the dregs that's when they just and it's a bit like your system dry wet dry wet we're not replacing toilet paper they're replacing baby wipes yeah with homemade wipes reusable wipes i mean yeah but it is still very environmentally friendly friendly. Oh, absolutely. But you do then... Someone has to clean out the homemade ass wipe of Tupperware Box of Dreams. And he says boil wash them. So, like, when he says boil wash, does that mean he's putting them in a pan on the hob?

No, I think he means just fucking really hot in the washing machine, doesn't he? They don't go up to 100 degrees in the washing machine, so you can't be boiling them? Has he got a big poo pan? Has he got a poo pan? Imagine if someone... Has he got a poo pan?

No, he's might have. He's got a boil posh in the poo pan. Boil wash in the poo pan. Imagine if someone comes in and goes, hmm, what's this, a broth? Wow. I think we need more info on this one, don't i mean i mean it's pretty conclusive he's written that he's actually one of the more articulate people that have ever got in touch with this podcast really to know where he's washing it he's boil washing it in a pan i think

you've got to assume it's a pan like you said you've you know you've investigated that yeah surely the fucking kitchen's gonna stink of shit no it's just because it's not poo is it it's just that last bit of ass wipe plus i think it would it would smell just as much of lemongrass and tea tree no that's getting left on the arsehole he sounds like the kind of guy who's like listen love dildos are expensive. I'll make you a dildo. Listen. When the banister went last year, you said, throw out the banister. I was like, no, that's ribbed for pleasure. I've just polished it down.

Oh, Jesus. I think he's a visionary. I'm actually going to cut up one of our old cars and give this a crack. See, it's less disgusting because johnny's just imaginary he's just like johnny bravo is just imaginary and he might have a clean little bum but i don't want the absolute slow fucking car crash that is your bowels i would i don't want to imagine chopped up homemade bum wipes okay first of all my bowels are anything but slow and second of all i'm gonna actually video myself using these and send it to you nice one i will fucking turn off the internet smash my phone and that'll be a conspiracy that's my conspiracy it's with fire i am i i think johnny

yeah i'm on johnny's side i reckon it's a idea, but you can't be doing it in a pan. Just put them in the washing machine. I love it that his wife told someone like, oh, me and Johnny have just come up with, you know what we're like, the Armstrongs. We're just, we, we, and she's literally just gone, you nasty, oh, fuck off. I mean, not in so many words.

She's basically going,'re not a bitch upset me and now the wife's been bum wipe shamed she won't she won't do it she's like johnny issue and i think look right now as we said last week we've solved racism it's gone we've solved homophobia sexism we've solved fat phobia and now now we've got to move on and it's about bum wiping and you should be allowed to wipe your bum however you like okay doesn't matter who you are where you're from if you want to wipe your bum with a tree with a homemade wipe with the newspaper whatever you need no okay don't give people free reign to wipe their ass everywhere on a fucking post box

no but i mean, something that's like, you know, wipeable. Do you ever run out of toilet paper when you're a kid and have to use the newspaper? Mate, I've been, I've got myself in some right situations. Have you ever been constipated and you've had to pull a poo out?

You'd have, like, the headlines. Oh, that's always brutal when you're grabbing your own poo. Transfer it onto your arse cheek. Your arse is like Prime Minister causes Iraq war. Oh, horrible. Fernando Torres set to sign for Chelsea. On my arse.

So, Johnny, you're either a genius or a perv, but fair dues, man. There's often a crossover between those two, then circles of a Venn diagram. Yeah. We've got one from Jamie Moores. I just want to say that I'm loving the podcast. It's been the highlight of my day every day since Monday,

and I adore it so much. I'm re-listening to the weekly episodes and watching you pair on youtube to fill up my days doing nothing else all right were you in uh were you in a supermarket last night by any chance between six and seven because you sound pretty keen adam my condolences for your uncle's passing didn't take it didn't take an episode off. That's how we do. The story about Colin... The podcast, actually, I had a couple of messages that day, you know, when Uncle Carl sadly passed away

and people were like, I can't believe you found the strength to do the podcast there. I was like, mate, that was my escape for the day. Like, it made me feel better doing it, do you know what I mean? And just having something else

to take your mind off it. The day after my mum died, I had the best gig I've ever had. And on the day, my dad was like, you can't, you can't do a gig today. And I was like,

I need to. And he's like, you can't, it's fucking insane. Your mum died yesterday. You need to be grieving. I was like, let me go and do it.

I did a gig at the student union, John Moores University. It's definitely in the top five gigs I've ever had. It was so cathartic. It was fucking great. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, youic. It was fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, you put it in a gear, don't you? It's not all...

Just an escape from reality for 20 minutes, doing a gig. And also, that's the sign of being a pro, as well, being able to be like, click. That's what's happening in the real world? Well, this is my job. You can't just turn up and be like, I'm not in a good mood,

I don't think I'm going to do comedy today. It doesn't work like that. You've been booked six months beforehand. Go and put your foot through it. I gigged with you the day my granddad died about six years ago. Did you really? Yeah, in a ratty little pub in Liverpool

that wasn't very good. I think we were doing a favour for, oh, I can't remember. It was like a midweek gig where you're like, I would not be here on a fucking Saturday, by the way. Just letting you know. You got me, because it's a fucking Wednesday. I will do any gig

on a Wednesday. I'll play it fucking... There's some ropey comedy clubs that we perform at Sundays and Wednesdays, isn't there? Oh, on a Saturday I'm such a snob, like, oh. I couldn't possibly. It's Tuesday, it's 50 quid. See you there.

It's a homemade bog roll fucking convention. Lovely. I'll bring my own mic. Yeah, so he's got a couple of would you rathers. He's got a would you rather. Jamie Moores has done a would you rather for each one of you. I like it. Specialized would you rathers he's got would you rather johnny moore's jamie moore's has done it would you rather for each one of you i like it specialized would you rathers and this is why i picked it out we're getting so many uh would you rather amazing and i still love them and we need more have a words the drunk stories i'm going to say this as someone who's basically been curating them. Keep it tight, guys.

When you're in the eighth paragraph of your drunk hangover story, you are already fucking losing me. You're driving me to... I'm like, it's all funny, but you're like, this isn't a podcast where we're like, it's not Jackanory for alcoholics. Christ, Omar. And then this happened. You're like, Jesus, wrap it up.

Yeah, people who are not used to writing, you've got to be fair to them. They do over-egg the detail, don't they? So we were in Wetherspoons, or it might have been a slug and lettuce, but no, it was slug and lettuce. And they've typed all this out. Yeah, it was a slug and lettuce.

I had a blue shirt on. My mate had a green one, but it wasn't like green-green. It was like blue-green. So we were clashing a bit. Anyway, not important. We were talkingashing a bit. Anyway, not important. We were talking to a girl. She had blonde hair,

and you're like, none of this matters. What did you do, and how did it happen? If you ever need to write, side note, don't write side note. Not in a fucking email to a podcast

that is fairly pacey. In fact, really, unless you've got an absolute cork now, the hangover stories are coming to an end, but we want top fives, suggestions for top fives. Get them sent in. And any questions? We're enjoying the variety that questions bring.

We're going to do our top five. We're both going to do this tonight. We're going to prep it. And tomorrow's episode, we're going to do our top five stand-up specials. So for the lockdown, for you lot, we'll give you five recommendations each. There might be an overlap there because we're're going to do our top five stand-up specials so like for the lockdown for you lot we'll give you five recommendations each there might be an overlap there because we're not going to discuss it with each other we want to bring our own top fives see if there is any common ground um and yeah we'll give you we'll give you our top five stand-up specials that's coming tomorrow

and we're going to do a silly one crisps we'll do a silly one as well so also new feature someone suggested this on twitter after uh i think it was episode 20 or it might have been 19 um pointless purchases we want to know things you've bought that were a fucking waste of money things that you were like i'll use that and you've used it either once twice or just never fucking bothered i'm gonna go through i'm gonna have a conversation with jade later because she's got a memory like a fucking file of facts and she'll remember everything I've wasted money on. So I'll talk to her and I'll find some of mine. You'll remember some of yours and we

want some submissions of that pointless purchases. Yeah, and the more you spend and the more pointless it was, gets more points. Absolutely. And please get these all into the email. It's so much better for us if you email us rather than get it to us. It's getting to the point now where it's not going to get read out if it doesn these all into the email it's so much better for us if you email us rather than get it it's getting to the point now where it's not going to get read out if it doesn't come

to the email because it's just we're getting so many but it's got to be coming through the email because that's the only way we're keeping on so have a word pod at gmail.com that's where you need it top five suggestions pointless purchases would you rather any questions and crucially the have a words and the domestic disputes i think that's what we're looking for now yes you get technical fucking credit for writing a would you rather specifically for adam and then specifically for me adam because i know you love them both disproportionately would you rather snuggle up to 10 mini size jades or one jade size mini so for those who've never listened before mini is adam's dog would you okay would you rather snuggle up to 10 mini size little fucking one foot tall jades or one five foot three dog

big dog do you want a big dog? big dog, I like a big dog anyway the only reason we've got many and they're actually small is me and Jade had an agreement we said long term we're going to have at least two dogs but you want small dogs no, she wants small

dogs right so i said look we'll pick one each and i'll let you go first so the first dog we get is your pick i get like two or three vetoes if you pick an audible dog that i'm not into i'll go nah not having that but minnie's quite minnie is quite small like honestly no name jokes she is quite a small dog isn't she yeah that was her choice. When it comes round to mine, I'm getting what I want and I'm probably going to go with like a husky or something. That is so not fair on Minnie. She's going to be a fucking

living cock puppet. We'll get it neutered. Mate, you need to take this new big dog's dick off. Minnie's going to be as well. She's going to try and be the alpha. You know, when the new one comes in,

she's like, right, speaking dog things. Like, one, we're anti-Semitic in this house. Know that. Two, not the humans, just me. That's how I roll. That's how Minnie rolls, right? Two, I've been here a while. I own this fucker.

And then the husky's going to whap out his big, you know, Arctic knob. And, oh my God, that's not fair. You've got to get medium. You can't, you've got to cap the size of the dog for Minnie.

No, I want a Husky. Right. Look, stop, stop. Has Jade been talking to you? It's going to look like

little and large when you're walking around. That's fine. It's fine. It's going to be great. We walk Simba, me other dog with her, all the time. What? Your other dog? Dad's dog. My dad's got. It's going to be great. We walk Simba, me and the dog with her, all the time.

What? You and the dog? My dad's got a chow chow big one. Called Simba? Simba. You've not seen him? Haven't I showed you Simba? No.

Oh, I'll send you a picture in a minute. He's boss. Is he a lion? He's a chow chow. Looks like a lion. He really does. I can't believe

I've never shown you him. We don't need to watch Tiger King. We've just got your dad. He's the Joe Exotic of fucking Merseyside. Got a fucking tiger. Yeah, I'm taking a dog the size of Jade, and here's my reasoning. First of all, don't mind a big dog anyway.

A mini being that big, I think, would be hilarious with their attitude and their strength. It'd be funny. And also, if I had 10 Jades, you can guarantee at least one of them at all times is going to be in a fucking mood. So I can't be arsed. You get to have a ten way.

No. You get to bang loads of little jades. No, but they're too small. That'd be worse than shag and midgets. What do you mean worse than shag and midgets? What do you mean there, Adam? There's not a lot. Okay right it's not wrong with shaggy midgets i'm not saying there is but what i'm saying is

they don't want to feel like fucking 10 kids wouldn't it because they'd be that small oh this let's go back to fucking midgets um yeah it would be weird but they could just like you know small my dog is if jade was that big, I could... Look, I don't think it's controversial for me to say I don't want to fuck my dog. Right. Okay? And that's partly down to her size.

If she was bigger, I'd be more into it. All right, yeah, yeah. What if your dog fucked you, though? You win some, you lose some. Maybe that's why you want a husky. Nasty bitch, upset me. Cha! Upset me! Nasty bitch, upset me. Cha! Upset me!

Nasty bitch! I think I would like to see... Yeah, I forgot that we had the... You forgot that for a second that you had the soundboard. You thought you had to do it yourself? I don't really want to see you in any porn, but I would love to see you in porn with 10 foot and a half size jades.

Why? Why is this now a fantasy? Would you not like it? Because their little hands would be touching your penis and they'd make it look huge. That sounded bad. Don't cut that off. You know, out of context,

have a word that's been banging around Twitter. That's not going to sound good, is it? Definitely going to cut that off. Their little tiny hands on your big dick. Doesn't it feel good? Do you know? Yeah. There's some things I say.

You can't say shit like that with those glasses and that beard. No, no, no, no. There's some things I say that I wonder what, like, you know, Saskia Preston or Kiri Pritchard-McLean are going to think if they hear it just isolated, like, it's going to be like, what's happened to Dan? He's been hanging around with Adam in hear it just isolated like what's happened to Dan? He's been hanging around with Adam in a shutdown, that's what's happened Oh that's really done something to me that

you're reasonably sized penis looking gargantuan next to ten little naked jades, anyway let's move on Dan when you wake up tomorrow would you rather inexplicably change from right or left-handed to the other-handed, right,

or switch bodies with Laura? Hey, Jamie. Are you right-handed? Yeah. So he's asking, would you rather be left-handed or swap bodies with Laura? What the fuck? What do you think? Of course I'm going-handed or swap bodies with Laura? What? What? What?

Because I'm going to want to swap bodies with Laura. Why? Just to see. You'd rather have a period than be left-handed. And is it not just for the day? Or is it forever? Looks like forever. Is it forever?

Looks like forever. Oh, then I'd have to be a female comedian. Ugh. You'd be on telly. Oh, yeah, shit. I'd have to change some on my set. You know when I walked on as a really attractive 32-year-old mother of one and was like, I know what you're thinking.

He probably looks like a Danish sex offender. And everyone's thinking, no, no, not really, love. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Look at that. Allergies just really kick off when we mention female comedians, don't you? Adam's allergic. You're telling me you'd rather go through the pain and suffering

that every woman does that you know nothing about with Daniel. You know nothing about the suffering. Well, I know a bit about it because I fucking never stop hearing about it. But you don't know exactly what it feels like. And what you're saying is you would, you think that's easier than just being

left-handed? You're a joke. No, no, I do. That's exactly what it is. You're a white male. You don't know you're born. You're a fucking joke. I see what you're doing here. You're doing a basic attack me on sexist grounds, but you are so unwoke that i would want to live through the vessel of one of my sisters spiritually because i'm a male feminist i would want to experience their plight as a woman in the

modern sexist world through their eyes you know so that's actually because i'm more woke than you and also i just want to fill my wife's tits, but as herself. That just made no sense. Would you not want to just have a little fucking, you know, would it not be, would you not like to just, maybe I'd like to, yeah, I think I'd like to be my wife. Can I keep my voice though?

Why? Just walk around like, oh my god, she's quite hot. You alright, mate? And I'd just freak him out. I mean, that wasn't your voice. Just put that voice on. Oh no, but I'm capable of Man Looch. I can make sounds that Laura can't make. Oh.

Anyone can put any voice on. Is that a fact? Yeah. If I can do a girly voice, give me a girl, i'll do an impression right like a famous person a famous uh dame judy dench cool thinking time she's thinking she's emma's and she and bond yeah yeah well so go hang on ladies and gents adam rowe is doing his very serious impression of Jane,

very serious actress, actor of the stage and screen, Dame Judi Dench. No, Mr Bond. Wait, what? I thought you were going to do a comedy voice. You're actually trying to do it. I thought you were going to be like, Hello, I'm a lady.

And Adam's going, going no this is my moment i'm not a casting director stop looking at me try to do it seriously on a comedy but go on go on oh here he is there she is get your tits You make it impossible. Shut up a minute. Go on, do your dance, lad. Go on. Do your Dame Judy. James, you can't do that.

You can't. You're a spy, James. You can't be going around shagging all these women. Now, packaging. Do your Boris Johnson. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't. You can't be going out to see your friends you can't because the thing is

what do we want them to think it's the coronavirus oh god not the conspiracies again shut up Boris go back to Dame Judy anyone can do any voice do Geordie no

no I won't the turn of the shutdown Adam and Dan have finally lost their minds they've clearly actually gone fucking mental have you watched any of the Tiger King yet Adam I've watched episode one how are you finding it? It's fucking mental, isn't it?

Oh, it's... Let me just put this out there right now. Joe Exotic has shagged a tiger. Defo. I haven't even thought about that, but he's fucked a tiger. He's 100% shagged a tiger. He's definitely banged a tiger.

He's bummed a tiger. Did you enjoy the idea of it, though? You know, because you want to fuck a hus enjoy the idea of it though you know because you want to fuck a husky talk me through it I think you do I don't I'm more open to that than fucking a tiny dog but I think that's a very common viewpoint do you know what actually

that's a good point I think bestiality should be allowed as long as you don't pick on smaller animals you know when people are like, oh, bestiality, I tried to stick my dick in a cat. You're like, you're a fucking animal. Yeah. I tried to fuck a warthog.

Yeah. Try and fuck a rhinoceros. Do you know about Jeff? He was into bestiality for about an hour and a half and then he got killed in a zoo. Good. It means no worries for the rest of your day.

Blanking off an elephant. Bestiality is fine with me as long as you're not bullying a tiny dog. I tell you what, Joe Exotic has got some control over those big cats but I don't think he's ever tried to stick his dick in a lion.

I think that might cause problems. Oh, you just sedate it, don't you? Oh, Adam. I don't know. I find that real. That's basically date-raping a lion. Yeah. I'm not saying it's nice. I'm not saying it's a good thing to do.

I'm saying it's death or laughing. The Holocaust happened, didn't it? Where are we going today? Where the fuck are we going today? How did we get from date-raping lions to the Holocaust? I'm just saying, right,

the Holocaust happened. I think it's a very normal opinion to say we don't like that it did. Right. You're not going any conspiracy theories about the Holocaust, because if you be conspiracy theorists about the Holocaust, because if you have, the Holocaust. The Holocaust.

No conspiracy theories about that. Right. Yeah. Yeah, did it defo, though? Yeah. So, but it wasn't a good thing, was it? Thanks. I mean, my dog thinks different.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's sexy bitch now it would be a crime to deny that it happened because that would mean that the suffering of people is being ignored that's the same as Joe Exotic and these big cats he's sedated them

and fucked them in the ass and shit happened one of the more risque analogies you've ever attempted on this podcast old boy I think I'm right though yeah yeah I've watched about five

episodes and it is truly captivating in an awful spazzy spazzy way and I really because i wouldn't have watched it i've just been i haven't made time for anything else but last week you were like right let's watch tiger king it'll be good and i thank you for giving me that gift now you've ruined the last couple of episodes because i'm going to be thinking about bombing lions and tigers and bereth oh my it's happened look i don't like it but it's happened i'll watch a couple more

episodes tonight and we'll chat more in depth about that innit alright lad let's get to some fucking advertising I reckon we have

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What up? For when you need a laugh post apocalypse choose Vauxhall company you know what time it is it's time for have a word with Adam and Dan send us all the problems

that you have with your friends we'll solve them for you sometimes we disagree On the other It's time For have a word Sorry

Trying to fuck you up with a Grammy winner Listen No one wants to hear Adele sing Everyone's tuned in for you. Yeah. Okay, so we're going to go again from the top. Oh, darn.

It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems you have with your friends. We'll solve them for you. Sometimes, sometimes we disagree on the outcome, but that doesn't matter because then we do a poll on Twitter and we find out what the fans think. Did you do that poll yesterday, by the way? No.

You forgot to do the poll. I forgot to do the poll, but I'll do it in a bit. And also, Amy has messaged me. Oh, gee. So we've got Amy's side of the story, but I haven't prepped it, so we're doing that tomorrow.

So if anyone hasn't listened, if anyone skipped to this episode and you haven't listened to episode 21 yet, I go back and listen to at least the Have A Word section because it's juicy as fuck. And on tomorrow's episode, on episode 23,

we're going to do Amy's side of that story. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. It's good. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. It's good. So, time for half a word,

isn't it? Time for the actual podcast. And now we're in. All right, lads. You can say I said Dave if you want. I'm not arsed. It's half-hearted.

It is half-hearted, isn't it? Please, can you have a word with my missus? Basically, she's doing me fucking head injured in this lockdown. Initially, all was fine. We live in a three-bed house with a bit of a backyard. Sorry?

We live in a three-bed house with a bit of a backyard. So getting some distance from each other is okay. We also have two children, aged two and nine. The issue is, she is constantly having a moan at me about the housework. Like if I don't do the washing up first thing or run the bastard duster around the entire house like a clean freak, she gets in a huff and starts bitching about how she's the only one

to think of these things. Don't get me wrong. I'm no slouch when it comes to open house. I'm usually the one to do the cooking, hoovering, chucker wash on, etc. as most blokes do when she is out at work or whatever but my argument is this who the fuck

are we having to keep the house clean and in tip top presentation for no cunts is coming round to visit we're all clean, the house is clean and we're busy keeping the kids entertained and let's be honest, I'm about to throw the older of the two through the front fucking window. Who gives a shit if the pots are left until I can be arse-washing them,

say, another hour or whatever later? Please tell her to wind her neck in, or I'm going to shag her sister when this is all over. Love the podcast. Stay safe. Lots of love from your ma. Oh, Jesus. Where are you on this one, Adam? Oh, yeah, look at you using buttons.

That's where I'm at. You agree with him? Yeah. I think his beard's been a fucking knobhead. Oh, what a fucking shock. You always side with the blokes. And you end up... Please try and do not end up by going,

she's a fucking cunt. She's a twat listen because i'm not some virtue signaling non-sense oh okay see that's why i wanted to live through in my woman it in my wife's body because you know I understand the plight before we call her a twat fuck I think you need to tidy where you live in a shutdown more than normal because you're only here yeah but he's doing it it's just not exactly when he's told

that's what every grubby twat says like no I'm not doing it now. I'll do it later when I want to. When's later when I want to? Uh, November. That's basically what he's saying. He's saying, I'll not do it now, and then you'll do it in a bit.

So you're accusing one of our listeners, and one of our, he's a patron as well, Ben Randall, as far as I'm aware, and you're accusing him of lying on this email. Yeah, because I've lived with grubby fuckers before and that's what they always do like no no I'll do it when I want to do it and they never do it because they're grubby fuckers

shouts to Danny McLachlan that's exactly what I was thinking of and I tried to be diplomatic because we both live with the grubby fucker anyone who's listening to this knows that that's your impression of Danny McLachlan because you've done it on previous episodes.

You have specific impressions of specific people. I want to... No. No. I just totally trust the kitchen. I just can't be doing with it. After living with Danny, I got fucking about 80 percent cleaner and tidier

just because like oh that's grubby i don't want to be like that i'm a grown man and uh now when i hear and you know on a serious note and i'm not talking about danny i'm talking about in this house because i'm here more i i've been more clean and tidy because you're just stuck in it just it feels like if we're stuck in the space, why are we stuck in a grubby space? It's not nice, is it? It's only an hour. If we take him in his way, it's only an hour later.

It's not. It's not, is it? You're so desperate to defend him. No, it's only an hour. He's good for now. Shut up, Jade. He's not talking about Jade. Let's not get angry about Jade now.

This isn't about Jade. Not a big Jade. Not ten little Jades. I just call bullshit. It's not in an hour. He's just leaving it. He'll leave it in an hour. I would have done it in an hour,

but you did it because you're a clean freak. And that's what they always come back. Yo, you're a clean freak. You've got OCD. No, I'm just not a child that lives in his own filth. I definitely would never call Jade a clean freak because she is as dirty as I am. Oh, is she? You're both pigs.

No. No. I'm actually quite good. You've got legs of lamb everywhere. There's a fucking banana that I can see over there that's been there for a week. Adam just pointed with such, like, I can see the anger.

Oh, Jade. Oh, that is... Disgusting! Oh, there's a rank fucking banana in Adam's little spare room studio. Well, I dare leave a fucking cup on the couch, mate. Oh, Jade. See, this is why I'm with you, Ben.

The guarantee is Baird's exactly the same. She's a hypocrite. Oh, right. Well, then if there's a hypocrisy in the air, then I'm coming round to his way of thinking. But if he's just doing the lazy, selfish, grubby thing, I got no time for it. Mate, we're stuck here.

We don't have to be stuck here around each other's crap. Ignore Dan. Ignore your Baird. Go on. Shit, go on. Go on crap. Ignore Dan. Ignore your beard. Go on. Shit. Go on. Go on, Adam.

Go on. You nearly did it. You literally, you've ended the last four episodes taking out lockdown violent anger against whoever has been emailed again. Go on. She's a fucking dick, right? Kick her in the face. Good night.

Dan's a twat. Your beard's a twat. As long as you're being honest, lads. Why are you laughing? I'm being serious. Take your time. If you want to do the fucking, if you want to tidy up an hour later,

as long as you get it done. You grab his dick and balls, Adam. You got to do it. That's it. You just glide up and down his dick and balls. You just wank off every one of the listeners. Ooh, you're right, Ben. Jizz off every one of the listeners oh you're right ben jizz jizz jizz you're right you can be dirty you can be dirty with me you're my husky are you on

the patreon take your time lads you don't have to do things take your time i'm enjoying it all over my tits oh jizz in my milk, in my pubes, in my milkshake. Are you done? Yeah, nearly. So, Ben. Go on, what's she, though? Adam, what do you think of her? What do I think of her? What do you think of his missus?

She's a bit of a twat. I reckon she's probably a hypocrite. All right. I'm not getting too angry. I'm trying to stay calm here. But I reckon she's a dirty bitch as well and she's just do you know what it is? It's projection that's what it is

she's conscious of how much of a dirty bitch she is and she's like she's not Jade if I project it onto him and say oh you're dead dirty you're not pulling your weight, then when he goes, neither are you, he looks like the knobhead for reacting

and just, like, firing it back. There's no banana. She's sending the first shot so that she's, she's like, no, you're only saying that because I've pulled you up on something. That's what she's doing. So what I would say to you, Ben, is find something, find something

that you can do the first shot on. That's what you need to do. Hey, you're fucking this up. You daft twat. Do it that way. Do you know when this is all over, and Laura's probably got bored of me, and Jade's got bored of you,

and she's left bananas trying to murder you. I think that's why that banana might be there. She said it was at the top of the stairs. I think there's a chance that when we come out of this, because I've sided with so many of the women in these emails i might get laid just through being a fucking sniveling little prick but you've got loads of angry mates you can all shout at in the pub like yeah she was a twat she's a fucking twat and now you've just showed your hand haven't you you're just doing this because maybe at some point someone will touch your dick

women like honesty daniel and that's why I'll be the one getting laid in my room. Women like honesty. They see through this fucking facade. Women like honesty. Yeah, I know I've left my underpants on the floor with skids in them, but that's the real me, sweetheart. That's the real me. You love me.

You pick up the skinny undercrackers. Yeah, but you'll be walking around and, oh, sorry, darling. So now I'll do exactly what you tell me to do when you tell me to do it. Is this okay? Oh, is your tea the right temperature? Could I make it any better for you?

Please give me tips on how to be a better man in your life. Stand up for yourself, you fucking waste of... Oh, now he's turning on me. He's going to turn on me. You fucking twat fuck. You're a waste of testosterone. That's turning on me he's gonna turn on me you fucking twat fuck you know you're a waste of testosterone that's what you are oh i'm not i use it really well about twice a day you dick thick oh do you feel do you feel cleansed there all joking aside all joking aside on them how do you feel i feel like we really... I think that Ben guy might be like,

was that definitely about my email towards the end? Guys, it's like listening to it going, guys, what's this? I've wanted to say that stuff to you for a while, and it just gave me a vehicle to do it. Just be a man. Well, stop being a fucking angry, shouty, aggressive, banana hater you need a fucking

husky bang say that we've done a podcast I think we should I'm looking forward to doing these top fives I'm going to go and do my homework I'm going to go and do my top fives homework we're going to hope that this audio is tippity top and tomorrow we're going to link up the cameras and we're going to go and do my top five's homework we're going to hope that this audio is tippity top and

tomorrow we're going to link up the cameras and we're going to have some videos being spat out and uh yeah let's call it a a daily shutdown pod yeah absolutely big shout to our sponsors as always bf52.com and voxel comedy club and everyone who's signed up to the Patreon. Thank you very much for... I'm going to sneeze again. Okay. Say the name of the band before you do. Faran. So the name of the band is Faran. F-A-H-R-A-N.

This was submitted to us by their band member, Matt Black. He's a dead sound lad. They're a hard rock band. Their socials are facebook.com slash farranmusic. Their YouTube is farrantv, and Instagram is farranofficial. This is their song, Take This City Alive. We'll see you tomorrow for our top five comedy specials of all time.

See you soon, Daniel. See you, baby. You've got to sneeze. End on the sneeze. Have you got... No? Okay, good. See ya! Light, heat, spiraling reality

Breaking out in last little step Sometimes the devil's got a hold on you As he rings that bell Three falling, you know We're gonna get there fast, I'll stop Three bullshit, casting out the dust With a concrete heartbeat, pull your tail line Yeah, alright

Let this be the day we take control of our lives Flashing lights and ringing ears All you see is God so fast But oh, just for a second we know We're gonna take this city alive No longer feeling the gravity Holding up a solid ground A canvas arch of adrenaline

Strikes at the speed of sound Three falling, you know We're gonna get there fast or slow Three pulls in, casting out the dust With a concrete heartbeat, boys, hell or mine Yeah, alright Let this be the day we take control of our lives The flashing lights and ringing ears

All you see is God so fast But oh, just for a second we know We're gonna take this city alive I'm a monster Yeah, alright Let this be the day we take control of our lives The flashing lights and ringing ears All you see is God so fast Oh, just for a second we know We're gonna take this city alive.

Take this city alive.