Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #221 with Andrew Maxwell - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 23, 2023

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How are we lads? How's it going? Welcome to this week's episode of Have A Word The Podcast. And if you want to see this thing live, we are doing our first ever live podcast shows outside of Liverpool this year. We're coming to Newcastle, Glasgow, Birmingham and Dublin. They're on sale now at haveawordlive.com. On top of that, if you want to see me and Dan do some stand-up, our stand-up tours are on sale right now. You can get Dan's tickets from dannightingale.com. Shows are starting to sell out. And I've got my shows on sale at adamrowe.co.uk. I'm going all over the UK, all over Ireland.

And there's now some Europe dates added. Shows are going to start selling out very, very soon. So go and get your tickets right now. I really appreciate it. We cannot wait to see you on the road. And please don't forget, as always, you can become a Patreon of the Have A Wear podcast that we cannot wait to see you on the road. And please don't forget, as always, you can become a Patreon of the Have A Word podcast and get access to all sorts of extra content and goodies

from just three quid a month at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Dan, what are we sort of giving these people if they sign up? Well, there's a reason we're the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. Every Wednesday, we do a patron exclusive where it's me, Adam, Carl, and the lads. It's an hour and a half of absolutely unfiltered

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guess what it's gonna be good it's a belter. Fucking HMRC have asked for all of my student loan back all at once. Holy shit.

When when was that thing? I thought I got to borrow money as a fucking child as a 20 year old who was like I got to borrow money as a fucking child, as a 20 year old, who was like, oh,

I need to do drinking and drugs. And I thought they were going to ask for it back at like five quid a week for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's if you earn national minimum wage, Dan, you don't earn.

Well, if you earn national minimum wage, you don't ever have to pay it back. okay, then a low salary. There's a threshold, and apparently, I just bummed the fuck

out of the threshold because there's another threshold where they're like oh cool can we have all that back in immediately how much

it's definitely less than mine because you went with it's like 14 quid do you get interest on it because if it's just from what university costs when you went it's going to be like

14 quid isn't it it's 3 and 6 it's 8 it's 8 shillings they want 8 shillings. How much is it? It's eight grand. That is no money.

Oh, no money. My mum's nine grand a year. Just because that's your fucking yearly webs cost. Get up from that one. Oh, what? Eight grand? Out of nowhere? They're literally going,

listen, you need to pay that. That's out of nowhere. Yeah, but isn't literally going Listen you need to pay that That's out of nowhere Yeah but isn't it going to be nice To get that out the way And just be like Do you know Because it's been a burden on it No

I've been ignoring it That is one less Ivory back scratcher For you to buy Oh yeah Fucking can't move For ivory back scratchers That's my annual

Ivory back scratcher cost Fuck What the fuck is that about HMRC you know what it's about well I don't want to pay all the bonds I didn't know it was HMRC that were doing that I thought the student loans company was like a private company

oh no they're well in with HMRC they're like listen we can't get money but you can because people are scared of it they've got the fucking tax man and I didn't get a degree I did nearly a bit more than fucking Ro I don't think you should have to pay it back. Thank you, Adam.

I owe over 40. And I got a degree that I don't use, which is worse. What? I owe over 40 grand. 40? It was 9 grand a year, wasn't it? 9,000 a year plus maintenance loans. Wow.

Yeah, so stop crying about your eight. Well, I'd stop earning money, mate, because you're going to get a fucking knock at the door. Knock? What's one open? Knock. wow yeah so stop crying about your eight well I'd stop earning money mate because you're gonna get a fucking knock at the door knock what's one open knock

I don't open to the fucking TV license guy I'm gonna open to the HMRC they're gonna be stuck there together just everyone United Utilities behind them

he knocked it again the AA he knocked it again the other day you can go online and say I don't need one I didn't know you could do that I've done that now

and he knocked again I was like you're not coming in no I don't they one. I didn't know you could do that. I've done that now. And he knocked again. I was like, you're not coming in. No, I don't. They don't. I don't understand. That makes it look suspicious. And it's why he keeps coming. I don't need one. I don't have the television. You're not coming in.

No. Just in case you find something. But it's famous TV licensed people. They're like vampires. You've got to invite them in. You have? Yeah, of course you have. You can look through the window. No, of course you have. He's a the window no of course you have he's a TV licensed man they're not coming with

just mowing down the door what have you been watching? you've had radio 4 on fill it full of bullets alright radio's okay yeah what?

the radio'll be alright I think it's not I think it's part of the license the radio the BBC radio do you think I'd make a fucking radio? it can stand on its own I've been a man for a do you think I have a fucking radio it can stand outside mine

for a decade and we'll have a fucking radio in my house I ate them as well you can have a TV you just can't turn it on

that's the rules for the TV it isn't it is no it isn't it is no it isn't it is

it is Adam's done no research and he's short of sleep you realise I did the thing today you can't watch anything like BBC No, it isn't. It is. It is. Adam's done no research and he's short of sleep. You see, lads, I did the thing today. I think you're fine. You can't watch anything like BBC

and you can't use iPlayer and stuff. I can tell you, I've got fucking Netflix. Netflix. Netflix. Bollocks, dude. 8,000 pounds of webz here on Snackflix. I'm doing fine.

You can have a telly, but you can't tell me. Oh, HMRCrc listen student loans come knocking at this motherfucker's door there is a shut up queue of people waiting to fucking like eon like please sir please play it pay i pay they are on the plane i just i just say define television that big that big thing in the corner it's a monitor it's a picture frame yeah all right cool link to a skybox what link's a monitor. It's a picture frame. Yeah. Oh, cool. Link to a Skybox.

What? Link to a Skybox. That's an art installation. Oh. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Nice. We're going to bring Sky. Yeah, you have got a subscription.

One thing on the BBC that you'd miss if you can't watch it. I just like paying Sky money. Have they got anything? Yeah. Have the BBC got anything? Match of the Day. Pedophiles. Match of the Day. Yeah. Yeah, Pedophiles. That's on after match of the day pedophiles match of the day

yeah they've got yeah pedophiles that's on after match of the day though isn't it and now after the match of the day

catch of the day if they had pedo hunters it would be fucking great they'd just have to be walking around BBC broadcasting yeah just to rest themselves

it's a fucking non's nest I'm a paying non I think they've got a nonce nest. You have to turn up like a beekeeper. What are you dealing with today?

A nonce nest. You don't want to shake it. I can't think of anything the BBC has done. I'd love to see you say that to the TV like, man, it's a fucking nonce nest,

mate. Paying nonce on your bike. Have you got a TV licence? Are you a paedophile apologist? Thank you. It's the biggest scam ever. It is the biggest scam. It's the biggest bargain ever, isn't it?

Bargain? Yeah. Like the amount of stuff you get for the TV licence fee. I haven't tamed the television in about five years, so what's the bargain? I know, it's going, Carl.

It's going. Is it? Yeah. It will be, yeah. It's going is it yeah it will be it's going but in the past it's been important yeah but now it's now it's getting outdated in it how much is it 160 for the year right so that's less than netflix yeah but i don't use it who's saying Why would I pay anyway? See, you're... Do you pay? He doesn't pay anything. He doesn't pay anything.

He's literally Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Womp, womp, womp. Yeah, I'm going to Nashville to stick all the heating on every light in the building. The heat was off. Oh, no, man.

There'd be lights in the building. The heating was on for the whole time. Oh no, mate. Oh God. I had a lovely warm poo this morning. The heating was on in your house. You've been out for two weeks. I know. The weather's been nice.

The person who lives in the flat above you is like, I don't know what's happening, mate. I think something's wrong with me. I've got fucking early menopause. I'm just going to text my face to everyone. I've had a 40 minute sleep and I'm fucking... I'm fucking... Early menopause. I'm just going to textualise my face to everyone. I've had a 40-minute sleep, and I'm feeling a bit delirious, but I have had a modafinil,

and it hasn't kicked in yet. Oh, my God. And at some point in the next week, I'm just going to fucking go. I'm telling you what, this section, or one of the sections in this, is going to get cut down by instant poo need,

because modafinils give me the fucking clear out. Does it, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they kick in. I've damaged my bum all over America. poo need because modafinils give me the fucking clear out does it yeah oh yeah yeah yeah when they kick in I've damaged my bum all in America no spoilers what was his name

he met a real nice cowboy because I'm like wiping with toilet paper again and not using just my squirty my squirty went on my bum all and it was stinging

because I've cut it with my paper in America anyway the TV licence because I don't it with my paper in America. Anyway, the TV licence, because I don't want to think about his cut sphincter.

It's a scam and we've got to pay it anyway is the biggest part of the scam. I don't think he's going to be able to concentrate. He's about to come up on Modafinil

and he's got a cut in his bottom and you're expecting him to talk about the TV licence. Holy hell, lad. Ah, asshole. I can't concentrate on anything else

apart from your stingy ring piece. That's called it, right, medically. Stingy ring piece. Medically. How can it be good to have a cut in your body with all that plop round there? Do you know what I mean? No, surely that's lubricating it.

It's coming from your body, though. Oh, Finn. You can't get infected by your own poo. That's a fact. Surely not. What? That's like getting AIDS

from your own blood. You can get ill off your own plop. You can't get AIDS from wanking. You can't. No, you can't have a pulse and your poo going in

and you get sick. I bet you can. No, you can't have a corpse on your poo, go in it, and you get sick. I bet you can. I bet you can. Your body can't make you ill. You can only get ill from exterior forces. Your body can't make you ill. You know? Yeah.

If you grow a lump, that's your lump. How's your lump getting on? Oh, yeah. How is it? Oh, it's solid solid it's still there i thought um the time difference in america would get rid of it you know like yeah but no it's still there but i will get it checked i will we've been away for so long uh like you've been back for four to five days I've been back for like four to five hours We've been away for so long And I'm so tired That on the way here

I heard someone in Liverpool speak with a Scouse accent And I went I was like what the fuck's wrong with me Do you know we didn't get home Do you know the airport was nearly closed Did you Sorry Do you know we didn't get home? What? Do you know the airport was nearly closed? Yeah. Did you... Sorry.

I nearly asked a question. No, he didn't. And we're going to here. No. There was issues. So we're going to do it here instead. I don't know if you know what Adam was going to ask. I do.

No, he's Bob on. I know him inside out. Yeah. Really? I know what he's going to ask. There was just no chat about it in the old group thing. So, yeah. It's going to happen. It's going to happen here. No spoilers. I'm going he's going to ask. There was just no chat about it in the old group thing, so. Yeah. It's going to happen.

It's going to happen here. No spoilers. I'm going to get the lump checked. That was the end of the special. It was going to be a big one. We're going to have an American doctor go, Lee, that's a big one. He evacuated the airport because there was like a dirty bomb or something.

Yeah, yeah, that was it. It was a nuclear terror strike. So they thought that. Some fucking idiot let the pepper spray. Pepper spray? Pepper spray. There was a pepper spray and it went off. It's someone's bag. And they closed a different idiot let the pepper spray pepper spray pepper spray there was a pepper spray and it went off

and they closed a different bit of the airport we to kill time Steve was like lad we're not going to the airport

this fucking early so we were like right cool it was a good idea we were at the west side west side Nashville and we just had to

kill some time so we were like just put a bar in and we drove up to a place there was no houses anywhere. There was just some factories. And then this corner dive bar.

And we thought we'd been to a dive bar. We'd been to a hipster version of a dive bar in the east end of Nashville earlier in the trip, which was cool as fuck. Sandra Bullock with tattoos was serving behind the bar. And I loved her. And then we went to an actual dive bar and as we parked up we were like oh we're gonna get shot we're gonna die here today and we left with everyone being extremely

friendly and offering up travel advice like we honestly thought we were going to the roughest bit ever they were like hey y'all you're right are you a random trucker dudes were coming up going you flying out of the airport you You might want to get there early. It's a really busy day Sunday. There's been a problem. Get yourself, like people we'd not even talked to were coming over and saying, you need to get yourself to the airport.

Have you had a great time here? Everyone in Nashville is super fucking friendly. Even the people who you think are going to be like, a hate crime waiting to happen. Yeah, it looked like it was a truck stop essentially. Yeah. But it was cool as fuck playing pool playing yeah um but yeah the dirty bomb was just someone's pepper spray i mean someone are you allowed pepper spray i think there's a lady you in america you'd want

to protect yourself i'm guessing i'm speculating well they need to stop wearing hot pants then. Oh, that sounded like victim. Oh my God. That's the worst thing you've ever said. That's the worst thing we've ever said on any episode. Oh, here we go. That is. It's a new level of the worst thing we've ever said. Bloody hell, Dan.

I can't believe you've gone for the hot pants. That's a straight red, that. Yeah, it's a straight red. It's a straight red. What I mean is. Because it's become like a meme, it's so stupid to say that. Right, okay.

You've just memed yourself. Well, why do they need pepper spray then? To protect themselves. From the creepy men. Well, what about- It doesn't matter what the- And here comes the modafinil. Sam, I completely disagree.

Yeah, all right. I get what you mean. I get what you mean. Yeah, yeah, all right. Okay, I'll take that Yeah, all right. I get what you mean. I get what you mean. Yeah, yeah, all right. Okay, I'll take that. Or they could just get... Or they could just get... Oh, no!

He's leaking worse than his bum will. Or they could just carry more knives. Can you get pepper spray through an airport? You must be able to. I think you can get a knife everywhere because we were turning up to the Nissan Stadium for Luke Holmes my new favourite artist

and everyone was just walking in with their knives weren't they like of course you can't take guns around here did you actually love it it was really good

I didn't know any of the songs apart from Fast Car and it took too long because you wanted to get there about 45 minutes before kick off

45 we were there for 3 hours before kick off I mean 45? We were there for three hours before kick-off? I mean... Six hours we'd be there for? And I'm dressed like a bisexual cowboy,

like, we need to get there early. Everyone needs to see these boots. And... Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what about Luke Combs. He does a fucking two-hour, 20-minute show,

and I'd have been happy with 40. 95,000 people were there yeah yeah that is madness yeah that's the biggest event I've ever been to yeah

and about and about 40,000 of them turned up at about 8 o'clock which is smart quarter past four bit excessive no lad

lad you need to see the sound check if you've not seen the sound check if you've not seen the sound check what's the point I will concede fucking crocodile

Dundee we could have missed the first two support acts I'm happy we missed the first two the ones after that were sick

yeah oh yeah Laney Wilson's bottom was one of the best support acts ever I've never seen a stadium that full

for a support act like an event like support acts normally are full innit but like even the penultimate support act 90% full for both of them well they're very famous aren't they

Laney Wilson and Riley Green I mean I'm into country now so they're dead they're dead famous so when Laney Wilson came out the crowd were most people were in they weren't asked about the first two

they didn't even stick lights on I honestly i watched them support and i was like you've barely got fucking microphones here oh shit you know there's two while we do all these no they weren't even allowed lights on and then laney wilson came out and the crowd were like fucking yes it's it's her and then i cheered because of her ass um i've been listening to her oh yeah so have I yeah yeah yeah I know some things a man ought to know

oh yeah yeah yeah stop victim blaming me for my hot pants yeah that was a good one I should have learnt something from that song oh she likes flares I have two knives

in my hot pants but my pepper spray in my cooch Yeah, that was a great song as well The fire alarm went off at the New York airport Another great song The fire alarm went off at the airport Love that one I've got a cut in my bottom

The fire alarm went off in the airport? Like, woo woo woo woo woo We was doing all that Who was doing that? Get out! Well, the main alarm was broke so they sent a man out on the shelf. Oh, I'm so fucked. No, the alarm went off.

Have you got any more decano? Have you brought any in? A woman goes, Oh my God, we need to get to the exit! Oh my God! And one of the fucking airport security people went, Ma'am, calm your pants down, someone will have left a door open. She came out and she was like, I love a bit of cunnilingus.

Alright, love. There's a fire. Right, okay. Just wanted to let you know. Yeah, good. Have you brought any Daffy Doodars in? No. Do you want one? Oh, fuck's sake. I can get you one if you want.

Yeah? Just hover back. I got me bullet home what me bullet yeah your vibrator yeah no I got me 50

I left my one couldn't be arsed with the hassle I know I saw it on the side erm you left your room in a tidy manner

a what your room was really tidy when you left why would I tidy my room? manners what? Dan had to tidy it for you did you tidy the room? I literally

just so because we were at to check out of the townhouse at like 11 o'clock Finn just thought everyone was tidying up, cleaning and putting all of their belongings in the bags and then putting them at the top of the stairs.

And then at five to 11, when we were like, lad, are you ready to check out? He was like, what? Had no idea. Everyone was ready. I mean, I told him to leave the door. He's like, I'm parked here. Did you fuck?

I did. You were the last person down. I thought we were checking out at five because it wasn't a hotel. So I thought, all right, we're just chilling until we go to the airport. To be honest, I don't know if they were going to be in at 11

bothering us, but my big fear was that Esmeralda, the cleaning lady, was going to turn up and just go, why? Why? Yeah. Yeah.

You don't have to tidy your room, but I've never seen more like cut off tags on the floor of a hotel room, ever. And two big cardboard boxes. It was the box. Basically, I just tidied up the boxes. I don't even tidy my homeroom. Why am I tidying someone else's room that I'm leaving?

No. Damien Larkin, when we left Edinburgh in 2008, just left all his wanking tissues on the floor of the bedroom. And I was like, oh, I'm done. And we- That's not okay. Oh, that is. Now, can I just say, it wasn't that.

There was basically cowboy boot, cowboy hat boxes open. And I was like, I'm just going to put that with the recycling. And then there was just some tags. I didn't have to do loads. It wasn't that bad. It was, I wouldn't- I scrubbed my skin.

I'll have to back to the toilet. I didn't do that. What was a, I wouldn't- I scrubbed my skid mark off the back of the toilet, so they did do that. What an angel. But- We got that in the notes. But leaving your wanking tissues in a fucking pile of just, oh, awful. That's grim.

We ripped him for that. He was like, I don't see the problem. I'm like, this is grotesque. I had a wanking towel in Nashville. You had what? I had a wanking towel. I used one of me towels. Like a boxer.

Dan, did you tidy his towels away? Where did you leave that? You've touched it. I moved your towel. I moved it. You sniffed it to see if it was fresh. I always lick it out. What's this? Is this clean?

You've had my cum in your grid then, sunshine. Oh, I've touched your wanky toe. I bought you wet wipes. Did you strip his bed? I bought you wet wipes. Yeah, but then you've got to... What? You can't be Damien Larkin. You've got to blot.

Just put them in the bin. No. We made ourselves a nice little bin, didn't we? Oh, yeah. You were wanking loud as well, though. Absolute fallacy. You were jumping on the bed while you were wanking. It was a fucking fallacy.

A fucking hovercraft wanking. No, you go on. I have an Arctic hovercraft wank. No, you go on. I have a haunted monkeys wank. Oh, I touched your dirty wank. I always have it in hotels now as well. Yeah. It's easier. It's easier.

It's so much better. I went to Walgreens and you went, could you get some wet wipes? That was for me, arsehole. You never even took them upstairs. I know. In the kitchen. No? That was for me, arsehole. You never even took them upstairs. They're in the kitchen. No wonder you've got a sore arsehole. I gave you wet wipes.

Oh, good God. I've never... Have you washed your hands? What? Have you washed your hands? No, I haven't washed my hands since I cleaned Adam Rowe's room. Come on.

Just checking. Yeah, it's just a much more efficient way of cleaning up your cum. Fact. It's good to be home. It's good to be home, innit, boys? How am I going to do a gig tonight? What gig have you got?

Adam Rowe and Friends at a sold-out customs house. At 450 people. Just change it to Adam Rowe's Friends. Yeah big when you're doing that people who I've met on a bill sold out in 12 hours oh my god what have you been up to with your four days? Coming back to my lawn not being fucking cut. Apparently, you know, she just has to prioritize looking after the children. She's fine. Did you cut it?

Of course I did mate, straight in there. Oh, it made me feel fucking sad getting back to a home cut lawn. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You all right? Me ears have popped. Oh, I love that. What? Yeah, I didn. Oh, I love that. What?

I didn't even know they needed popping. That's the best when you're not even aware. Are you back? Have you come up? Have you come up off the Jaffy Duda? Ooh. Maybe. The reverse culture shock was big.

Like a day or two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where I live seems very green and scruffy compared to the States. Like, you just know... I don't know. We drove into Sorghal...

Oh, by the way. Oh, taxi driver. Oh, mate, what happened with the fucking... The van driver? He was like, lad, I've got to get back. Oh, he got fucked more than you. What happened?

So, he dropped you off. Might be listening, hello. Dropped you off and he went, so, where are you going? We were like,

Lime Street, where he picked us up. He went, met him towards Kirby. And I'm like, oh yeah, cool. I want to go to Lime Street.

He went, oh, well, I'm going to Kirby. So I was like, I'm just not going to say anything because that's ridiculous. And he went,

I've only got 11 minutes driving left. This is before we got into the tunnel and i was like cool uh it says here it's 40 minutes to lime street oh well illegally i'll be driving illegally for three minutes she dropped us off on fucking scotty road it was something about him needing a break. Yeah. Legally. No, he wanted to go home and bum his wife or go for a baby. It was, he was chatting. Once I do the M6, I need to bum Linda.

It was something else, wasn't it? Well, apparently when you're a minibus driver and you're doing long, you've got, you're like a shift before you legally, before you legally have to stop. Nine hours. But, well, legally have to stop nine hours but well it's less than nine hours

no four and a half hours with a break and then four and a half I've just had an eight hours sleep in the past three minutes he's back but he just started just dropping us off

wherever he wanted didn't he yeah oh it was annoying as fuck last second I thought that guy was going to be our guy for all drives

he blamed you he blamed what he blamed you know when you have a diversion on a drive, it fucks your time off. Yeah, it's exactly how we booked him. We said, oh, mate, he's done, mate.

Well, I got fucked, Scotty Road. Yeah, I got fucked. Not where I live. Five minutes from his house? He's got a walk. Two minutes. Two minutes? It's not two minutes.

Two minute drive. Yeah, why couldn't he just drive us there? Oh, I know. Our taxi driver was... Nothing wrong with scotty road there's characters around there our taxi driver adrian took me from chester to rill we had a long chat he went any uh beautiful ladies in america i went where was he from yeah it was borat we basically got picked up by bar but because in nashville you get in tax drivers and everyone's

like american and mentally ill my sympathy or my energy or like, I just run out of giving a fuck about mental taxi drivers. Do you know the first few days of the States were like, hey, my name's Antonio. Where are you guys from? You're like, yay, he's insane. Let's film him and say, oh, welcome to the Nashville special.

By the time you're just getting picked up at a fucking service station five minutes from your house. I was out. I was like, pretty ladies. I was like, Finn's going to get bummed on the way back to real. And I'm not asked. Was he all right? It was my own fault for what I was wearing.

Oh. Made you look like a cunt again? 2-0 Finn. I want to apologize to all the cowboy girls. Cowboy girls. Of Nashville. I don't think there's a better combination on the planners than a cowboy on a pair of cowboy boots on a woman.

And a pepper spray. I mean, it depends on the woman, doesn't it? What? It depends on the woman. No? Are they wearing anything else? Yeah, Adam, it does. No?

No, I think you might have blocked out the heffalumps. No, but they are still improved by it, the point right all right cool but it is a hell of a look it was it's gonna be our our uh crowning achievement in it that nashville special it should be because i know what it costs but yes it was it was a hell of a time yeah it's gonna be the best i said it's gonna be the best independent british say that's going to be the best independent British production of 2020 for me. And it will be. Laura's like, could you tell me the story? You know when you go on a holiday,

you're like, eh, it was good, and then it all blurs. I can tell every day of that holiday. Yeah. Because something incredible happened. I think we should enter into the Cannes Film Festival. Can we? Yes, we can.

Bob. Can we? Will, Phil I think we should no one's doing that independent, nobody the entire own category, patron special best patron special at the Cannes Film Festival

yeah it's going to be spectacular it was incredible the game me and adam played in the jd this early that's probably the best content i watched it last night you're so annoying i was just remembering you just said you two are so good at being the funniest most annoying cunt if you were at something and there was two lads being as annoying as you and you weren't in the mood, you'd murder them. I honestly, by that point,

I was so bored of hearing about how Jack Daniels get made. And the woman who took us around was so nice. She was so good at what she did. She was also dead annoying. She was annoying. Her face was there in my head. It was so blue, Peter. We're all adults.

She's like, so that's what we put in it. And that's what makes it a good whiskey. I was like, you don so blue, Peter. We're all adults. She's like, so that's what we put in it. And that's what makes it a good whiskey. I was like, you don't talk like that. Speak normal, bitch. What did you expect? Can you put your shirt on? What did you expect? You expected to be like, lads, let's fucking drink.

And we'll just put it through there and there's charcoal. And we put it in a bottle and you drink it with Coca-Cola. Stop asking him fucking questions. We're going round. That's it in a vat that's it going through the charcoal there's the water

not even asked alright gift shop fuck off how do you expect it to that is so much better so much better right guys we're pretending

to fucking taste these if you're going to play boners at the back and ruin three couples afternoons nice one they've paid their fucking

$90 for this. The greatest game of bonus ever played on the line. Full stop. Waiting till you see it. I was at the other end of that. I would have fucking died.

I could hear you. I was like, I'm just checking out. Push canals. Bonus. Everybody in the distillery can hear us,

don't mind that, Rube. Silly cunts. Oh, it was fantastic. You'll see every second of that game. Where are we? If we're playing boners, where's the highest stakes boners? Funeral.

Yeah. Oh, God. Anybody's funeral as well. Court. I'm saying, right, because you're going to get done for contempt. You're going to get thrown out. Yeah, that's higher stakes, isn't it?

No, but it has to be legal. Otherwise, you're getting kicked off on the first one, aren't you? It has to be more socially bad. Can we just say, whoever dies first, the rest of you have to play bonus. Okay.

It's what I want. Be good in a church. Bonus, bonus, bonus. It was so... I want one of you to do a reading, but all the reading is, and you've got to get up to the little, and then just get out a piece of paper and go,

and everyone will be like, go on, Adam. Go on. You can do it. Dan's dead. You get the piece of paper out. And then just go. Bonus! That's it. Just walk off. One super loud bonus. If that's what you want, that's it

just walk off one super loud bonus if that's what you want that's what you want it's meant to be like you don't get caught like oh we've done that

everyone was thinking that you don't get caught I was in the JD tour everyone was like whoa that must be

the gay ghost of Jack Daniels bonus bonus we all knew it was you you fucking idiot everyone was like whoa that must be the gay ghost of Jack Daniels bonus bonus we all knew it was you you fucking idiot good though wasn't it one of the only things

I learned on that tour is that Jack Daniels had a muzzy that was it one of the only things oh your questions are great it's going up to a statue

and Jack Daniels is going excuse me and she's like oh my god could I answer a question did he really have a mustache yeah yeah we think he did mata oh wait until you see this is gonna be the best thing you

ever watch all of it every second i did the same thing that i do on the speed awareness courses which is like i'm just gonna lean in and pretend i really give a fuck about charcoal i was like really charcoal i was like can i touch it and a fuck about charcoal. I was like, really? Charcoal? I was like, can I touch it? And then the guy came in and was like, I want to touch it as well. I was like, well, I'm joking. There you go.

I was just like over the top, nodding at loads of it. You were also dressed differently at every point. It's going to be great. I'm saying it in us. Yeah. Just wait. It's out in June. Sign up now, just for that. and then delete it if you want.

But sign up for June. Oh God. Right. Let's have a break. Don't delete it by the way. That's bad advice. Sign up. That's my advice.

If you want, you know, free will. Yeah, but it's not good advice, is it? Like don't sign up and then stay signed up

because it's... Yeah, do that. Do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that. You've got the option. Yeah. You've got the option. You've got the option. Patreon.com slash have a look.

I'm on a motorbike right now. Guess who's back? We are back. Do you want to give some advice? Do you want to do some underrated, overrated? What do you want to do? I feel like I am on such a good vibe right now and I'll do whatever you want.

Advice. Let's do advice. Evan Drake says, need some advice here. Basics of it is, I think, can you press the button please? Yeah.

Have we fucking forgot our manners since we've come home? Oh shit. Yeah, sorry bro. I am Adam, I'm here to help. Here to help, I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. I love this bit like

G-Funk Warren G G-Funk Evan Drake says need some advice here Lyds basic of it is I think my boss has a thing for me. There's a few issues with this.

First one, he's a gay man and I'm not. Second one is, he's around early 30s, so old as fuck, and I'm 17. And I'm not just saying this. There's actual reasoning behind it. Basically, he keeps asking me when I'm going to be 18. And in the last two days, he's kept asking me to tense my biceps so he can feel it. Basically, he keeps asking me when I'm going to be 18 and in the last two days,

he's kept asking me to tense my biceps so he can feel it. Maybe he's buying you a muscle fit t-shirt for your beard. Am I being too sensitive here or is this bang out of order

and what should I do about it? Bomb your boss. Yeah, bomb him. You bomb him. Eleven, I hope that's the advice you were looking for. Suck your butt.

If you want to succeed in business, don't suck him off. That's gay. Just bomb him. Eleven, I hope that's the advice you were looking for. Suck your butt. If you want to succeed in business... Don't suck him off. That's gay. Just bum him. Bum him. All right. Bumming anyone could be a woman. Sucking...

That's not a woman, unless she's got a big old clit. You know what I mean? Bum your boss. Don't suck his dick. You'll get promoted. That's a fact. Would you?

Yeah. Top bummer. Yeah. Bummer of the month. Bummer of the month on the wall. And by the way, that is not the gay slayer.

That is because you're good at bumming. I mean, yeah. It's not pejorative. It's a compliment. Yeah. You're good at bumming.

Bummer of the month. We'll write you a song for it. Is there no mid-bunny? Bummer of the month, of the month. Bummer of the month. He bummed the boss right in his ass. He just in his bum hole, in his bum hole. Cheers.

In his bum hole. What if the boss is a top and not a bottom? What are you going to do then? What? What if the boss is a top and not a bottom? Then you say going to do then? What? What if the boss is a top and not a bottom? Then you say, listen, John. Okay, John. I don't want a cock on my arse.

Right. And I think we've got background to what Evan's asking, hasn't it? What does he do here? He just wants to feel him. Let him feel you. Yeah. Carl. Yeah.

Imagine if you had a boss who was trying to feel you. Yeah. Karl. Yeah. Imagine if you had a boss who was trying to feel you. How badly that would go. Depends what he wanted in exchange. If Dan came one day and was just like, Finn, can I just have a little... Would you be bothered?

I think that has happened probably at some point. And he's not arsed, is he? And he's had pay rises. He knows where his bread's buttered bread's bummed so we can feel your biceps can we feel your cock

can I have a little cup no no no I do draw the line there oh you draw the line there legal stuff innit yeah you can have a cheeky squeeze

of the arse can I like yeah don't don't like I don't it's just like do you know like

misogynistic like 50s ones just like if I'm walking past don't like can I squeeze squeeze your arms can i suck your finger and just gag on it because it's massive is that too far who's that is that is that for you is that doing something for you well i don't know it's just a you know i went to high five a female comic once she sucked my finger at the dave party in edinburgh i Oh my God, you've been abused. I was abused, yeah. I really didn't like it. You've been really brave. I can't do anything else, can I? What would you do if you said, I'll suck you off?

Because that's all you, isn't it? Huh? You're getting all the good stuff. If Dan said, I'll suck you off. Would you? Just to be clear, everyone. This is not something I've asked. And not something I'm going to ask although if Adam gets me two

modafinils let's see what happens you know I like to buy two Finn get your cock out I'll suck you off

happy Tuesday happy Tuesday what are you saying why is Finn in on Tuesday late record yeah that's that's the issue these days are all wrong

um I'm going to politely decline nice and I'm going to say think of Laura Nice. And I'm going to say, think of Laura, Dan. Come on. Why are you sucking it off?

Yeah, but Laura doesn't have a dick. Oh, right. So it's something that she can't give you. Yeah, I've got needs. Again, I'm going to politely decline. I'd say yes. Do you think you could get hard for a man to suck it off?

Where? In your cock. off um where where what in what situation are we like it's me i'm just bored one day so if you're as if you're as horny as will was when we were away um yeah that was getting intense i was i was scared for at some points because Will could get an erection if he just got in the right position with the air conditioning in America. Will didn't come for 10 days.

So if you'd not come for 10 days... Could Adam get me hard? No. Let me try and tickle your balls now. What if you close your eyes? What?

You close your eyes. Oh yeah, and then it's someone else completely, isn't it? Yeah. It's not... Close your eyes and imagine this is and then it's someone else completely, isn't it? Yeah. It's not Modafin. Close your eyes and imagine this is Melinda Messenger. All right, my lovelies.

All right, go on. What's that? That's Melinda Messenger. You're Melinda Messenger. Come on. Do you want me to touch your car? Do a West Country accent. Do you want me to touch your car?

Not really, but we just spent 10 days together, so. Okay. All right. I reckon you could suck me off, Dan, and I'd let you. I think I could. I think I need mouth-to-mouth. You know what I mean?

Yeah? Cool. I don't know. I don't think you could. Anyway, call me boss. What if this guy's just got nothing in common with this 17-year-old, so that's his point of conversation?

14 years? when he's right this this gay boss is a perv man and this is a double standard because he's and i've seen this a million times in in stand-up on the circuit gay comics have this weird free range to perv over young men in the audience and it's a different set of standards if it was an old dude and a young female in the audience that it's like everyone's gone oh that is pervy because it's like oh he's gay it's just banter it's like it is a total double standard you're saying he's been getting away with stuff for too long oh yeah he's a creep he's a fucking creep what i mean glitter i'm sick of it Glitter.

I'm sick of it. Genuinely, is he just... Why didn't he just... This is creepy as fuck. He's 17. He's a child. Oh, he's only 17! I don't think he is.

He's above the age of consent. It's dodgy. You can't say he's just a child of consent it's dodgy no it's yeah you can't say he's just a child he's not a child he's legally not a child no legally but he's 17

he was born in like fucking 2014 or something it doesn't it's just it's not he was born in about 2014 2006 probably

he didn't even see Liverpool in the final what he didn't see Liverpool in Istanbul did he oh my god you can't bum him then can you he didn't see Liverpool in Istanbul did he oh my god

you can't bum him then can you he can't get bummed you can't you can only be the bummer if you remember Dudek safe

yeah is that the rule that is the rule in gay clubs you're like do you remember Jersey oh I fucking remember Jersey you'll do

yeah erm quit Evan I'd erm I'd honestly what would you do blackmail him

I'd blackmail him go I'll tell the big boss that you're trying to bum me he gives money but what if the big boss is even gayer he gives a vicious circle in it how does that work

excuse me big boss hello yeah that's John's trying to bum me. So am I. Well, I'm trying to bum John as well. It's a really unhealthy company, this. Leave.

Having said that, though, we did just have that conversation about would Finn let us suck him off, so... Evan, don't put up with it, mate. I just want to clarify, Finn, I don't want to suck it off. Thanks. I just wanted the option.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you just want the power yeah he's adam but definitely just wants options it's like when i see like pecan pie on a dessert menu i'm probably not getting a cake but it's nice to know it's there um anonymous lady says so i'm always reluctant to tell people my job and i often say i'm an accountant because it's so boring people don't ask further questions which is what I've done in the past with stand-up because can't be arsed talking to a taxi driver

about comedy. I say I work in a bar. But in reality I work for the police and I'm not not the typical police though. Pig, scum. Pig.

Yeah. I am pink-haired tattooed lady and not a snitch. I work in a department that concentrates solely on catching nonces. Okay. And I work really fucking hard at making the world safer for kids. So my question is, should I be embarrassed to tell people I work for the busies?

That's from an anonymous. Yeah. Say you work for the pedo task force. Sounds better. Yeah. She's a pedo hunter. Yeah. Say you're a pedo hunter.

It sounds dead good. But yeah, you've got to then clarify because you do sound like one of them Facebook gimps. Yeah. She's a pedo hunter. Yeah. Say you're a pedo hunter, it sounds dead good. But yeah, you've got to then clarify because you do sound like one of them Facebook gimps. Yeah. And you've also got to be careful how you say it

because you could say I'm a pedo hunter, which... Also, if you're talking to someone called Hunter, it just sounds like you're a pedophile. I'm a pedo,

comma, Hunter. Or, I'm a pedo Hunter. You know what I mean I go hunting for kids if you're called hunter

you must get into so many difficult conversations I'm a duck hunter you're a duck that's mad you must get into so many difficult

conversations no don't be ashamed nobody should be ashamed of their job no it's look all joking aside you're a pig scum No, don't be ashamed. Nobody should be ashamed of their job. No. It's, look, all joking aside, you're the pig scum.

But that's okay. She's a fucking pedo hunter. Which sounds more fun than it probably is. I think it's fun. You're doing a good... Yeah, pedo hunter sounds fun because you're like, right, there's a live pedo.

We've got a tracer. You've got dogs. You've got... It's like a fox hunt,'re like, right, there's a live Pee-Doh. We've got a tracer. You've got dogs. It's like a fox hunt, isn't it? As long as you've got a lasso, you can get it done. Mate, Pee-Doh Hunter sounds fun, but it's probably just being in chat rooms being like, yeah, I do. I love, you know, Pokemon.

Where are you meeting me? It's horrible, isn't it? Actual being a Pee-Doh Hunter with a gun would be fucking brilliant. I don't think you can get a conviction based on just that. I love Pokemon. What do you mean? Ah! Because what happens if you just do love Pokemon?

Then you want to... I was just now. I thought you liked Pokemon. All right, all right. I don't know. I bought some Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the States. Yo, hello. I think I left them there.

Listen, in a chat room, in fucking pedo book, you're like, oh, mate, I'm 10, and I love yo-yos. Come and meet me to do fun stuff. And that's what they do in it that's that's how they set it up they can't get them with that it's normally like i love yo-yos and by the way look at me there there's normally a bit more hang on i was playing the child in that oh yeah yeah yeah because i think that's entrapment, isn't it? Hello, I'm 10. I love yo-yos. Look at me dick. Ah, you looked. Pedo. So, see you around the back of KFC.

That's a judge. And we'll do some noncy stuff. We're in the wrong place with Adam to be in. We need to move Adam to a more normal way. I absolutely don't want to move him anywhere. It's phenomenal fun. But I'd also say pedo hunting would be way more fun if you could have like hounds

and you were on a horse. That's what we should do. You know, because the fox hunting community is like, they've banned it, haven't they? And they're like, well, what about the upkeep of the stables? If we would just release the pedophile and then you could chase them, that'd be great. Two pedophiles should be castrated. Or murdered.

We've got lots of people who say offending paedophiles. I'm literally trying to do a bit about releasing paedophiles and chasing them with horses. Adam's like, yeah. What about the sort of argument they should castrate paedophiles? Because I think a modafinil in with about 40 minutes sleep in two days,

I'm ready for this chat. Offending paedophiles? Yeah. The ones who fucked. Oh, my God. I don't know. I don't know. It's very...

Oh, wow. Just say offending. I'd rather chase them with horses. Okay. Do you? I think they should have their dicks cut off, yeah. Any jokes with it? Is that actually what...

Are we going to do any bits about it? I think they should have to eat their own cock. Ah, there you go. We've got some add-ons. So we cut the dick off, sew it up.

Hang on. Give them a Ken doll. What do you mean? Smooth it over, get a plaster of it in. Box all that off. And then, time for dinner, Jon. And he's like, ooh. What if they're...

What's that? He's like, it's your dick. Screw on it now or you get in the electric chair. Electric chair. What if they're a vegan paedophile? I mean, that would seem unethical, wouldn't it? Making them eat... Yeah, but like, they're the animal that's died, innit? Or like, been hurt, do you know what I mean? So it's not... It's not like they're having vegan paedophile, I mean, that would seem unethical, wouldn't it? Making them eat meat. Yeah, but they're the animal that's died, innit?

Or been hurt, do you know what I mean? So it's not like they're having a chicken. And you can't get infected by something from your own body. It's clean. Sometimes on the podcast, we just riff on things and you're like, God, that could have been stand-up. And I'm not sure the last three minutes

is going in anyone's door. How long have we done? 15. 15. I say 15 I don't think it was gonna end up feed pedophiles their own dicks

to end world hunger bandaid feed the world a pedophile's penis yeah oh yeah they'd stop

they'd think twice about doing more of it if they had to eat their own cock but you leave them with the balls They'd stop. They'd think twice about doing more of it if they had to eat their own cock. But you leave them with the balls. So they're still frustrated but they can do fucking nothing about it. That's safe.

Yeah, that sounds good. Finn's worried. Finn's resigning. Let's do some underrated, overrated. Thanks for those questions. If you're a female paedophile hunter, be proud of it, yeah? Although it is just you in fucking chat rooms, isn't it?

No, you are genuinely all right. I just want to say that. Like, that's a good job. You're making the world a better place. Is there any other type of busies that get that distinction? Because she works for the police. The ones who let you off. When, like, you were speeding there, lad,

but I know you're in a rush. Off you go. You know the crooked ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you doing 45 there in a... Adam Rowe? Are you Adam Rowe? Yeah, we'll have a golden ticket. Thank you very much.

Adam's got a glove compartment full of tickets. Usually it's just parking fines, but actually it's golden tickets. Oh, the arena show. Well done. I'm on my way now. Some sugar pit bacon this is what you could have won

she was doing 52 in a 30 yeah she's sound isn't she it's a good job she's doing a good job she's doing a good service but she does work with some fucking scum shout out to all our police officers if they're still involved now that is their fault

I feel like I haven't blinked in a while you what? sorry feel like what? feel like I haven't blinked in a while blinking overrated or underrated? I think it's

yeah overrated innit? overrated have you ever had I think it's, yeah. Overrated, isn't it? Overrated. Have you ever written in? Tell you what, blink and you'll miss this section

because bits are getting cut out. And that's not her fault. Now, can I just say before we carry on? So I do some HR. Yeah.

Country music. Now that you've been overrated. Overrated. There was too much of it. So it was overrated. That fella in

The club was a bit more. That fella in Losers was underrated. Everything else overrated. I don't think he was underrated. I think everyone in

the room was going this guy's fucking class. Not the front man. The front man wasn't having any of it. Yeah, because he was cool. I'm a country guy. Saw one shit band in eight days of permanent,

like there was country music in the Maccy D's as you're going through the drive-thru. They're like, you'll want to tune. Me, me, me. It's been in there. There was live music at eight o'clock in the morning at the airport. Yeah, yeah.

Because they're like, we can't sell alcohol without live music. It's against the law. The law of God. That's fantastic. Totally underrated. How can it be underrated there? Because you all think it's shite. Well, I don't say it was shite. It's just overrated.

You have said that in the past and you haven't apologised yet. Yeah. Very overrated. But if I had another one I will kill myself that did really

make me laugh the message you put in the group she must have landed like a minute before that

yeah I just said if I had one more country song I'm gonna blow my own head off yeah would it

be nice to just go to like a hip-hop night or something Hattie B's was playing hip-hop and I felt like I was in a club oh yeah it was wasn't it yeah oh my god yeah that was

i think the only place we spoke to people there and they were like it never used to be like this they said obviously country's always a part of nashville but in the last decade or two the companies have gone oh people love this you've turned it like a country theme park there's people it is a country theme park isn't it yeah yeah people love this. It's like a country theme park. It is a country theme park, isn't it? Yeah. People live there. I like country music, but this is fucking stupid.

But that city's blowing up because of it. Because if you're into country music, that is the place to go beyond all others in the world. And that city is flying. Yeah. I thought it was going to be so much smaller than it was.

It's a massive city. 40 new skyscrapers going up. Yeah. And they're all for country every floor is going to be country music

imagine living there and being like our age and going yeah it's okay and then that's all there is it is mad

because no venue can just be like we sell alcohol and we're just going to put a CD on what you talking about boy you gotta have

a five piece band here's an underrated I like the fact that it was live that's cool literally looks like he's does anyone want

to go jogging right underrated overrated Chris Allen says a cup of tea underrated overrated underrated

I think it's massively overrated underrated what's it taste like a cup of tea after a long hard day what does it taste like a cup of tea after a long hard day what does it taste like you put your feet up

is it better than alcohol yeah no at home yeah yeah really yeah

what does it taste like Adam what do you mean what does tea taste like it's got it's own flavour that's actually like that's what Dr Pepper tastes like.

Fruit? Tea's really useful if you are doing a project at school where you've got to make a piece of paper look like it's from the 16th century. Oh, is that coffee? My mum did that the first time and burnt holes in it. I thought she was like Michelangelo. Because no one else had done it in the class.

I was like, me ma's invented some mad shit here. That's ours, that. That's not from ages ago. I fucking loved it. You've got to make a scroll from the olden times. It looks like this.

With felt tip. Coloured felt tip. It's olden days. I used to love making pirate maps. I used to do that a lot when I was a kid. What? I'd make a pirate map. I'd draw a pirate map and then I'd stain it with tea.

Right. For school or? Just for fun. All right. What is it? A map of Dovecar? It was a map of my garden or Dovey Park. Would you hide stuff?

Yeah. That's quite cool. What? What do you mean? What? It's not hard to get your head down. Did you go and hide stuff? Yeah.

What, and dig a little hole? Yeah. Fuck off. If you're a kid, if you did that for Etta, she would lose her shit. I was like 11 though, so. Ah, right.

I was drinking the tea what the cat along i want to make a pirate map going to college um it's hard for me to talk about too because i just i don't drink i only drink it socially i've said this before i'm never drinking in my own house earl grey earl grey yeah this before? Saturday night, it's Calgary's house. There's a cup of tea there, lad. I'll never drink it in my own house.

Earl Grey. Earl Grey, yeah. If I go to yours and you go, do you want a cup of tea? Yeah, because I want to be involved. But I'll never make

one in my own house. You get PG tips FOMO. Yeah. Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah, I'll have one, yeah. In terms of hot beverages, though, you're a hot chocolate guy, aren't you?

Of course. But if you go to someone's house and go, can I have a hot chocolate? You're going to have to leave pretty shortly after the time. Do you want a cup house and go can I have a hot chocolate you're gonna have to leave pretty shortly after

Tom Lutus says overrated underrated Lego underrated surely it's heavy innit now now it is getting old enough to actually have

Lego you realize how much better Lego is than so much of the shit she buys as toys and people buy her it's so good. But I don't like the build this.

I don't want into that. When I was a kid, I had a box of Lego. And I'd make my own houses and that. It's like, oh, build this fucking shoe. No? I'd just get a shoe. The famous shoe Lego. There is?

Are they the superstar? Not for kids, though, is it? Why is it not for kids really yeah i like the that there's both i like that you can freestyle and get a box of it and just be like yeah look at this shotgun that's not for kids then i also like it's like oh build hogwarts ah adam's shoulder nearly came out gesticulating can I just say now if you've got kids

if you've got young kids if you get whatever you it starts as you get like two builds of that and then it's all just mushed into the other Lego good then you make your own shit

so like we whenever so she's like it's Lego friends that's the sort of yeah yeah it's aimed at sort of girls at his age she'll make it twice it'll get fucked up It's like it's Lego Friends. That's the sort of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's aimed at sort of girls Etta's age.

She'll make it twice, it'll get fucked up, and then it'll just end up mushed up with the whole big pile. Yeah, they've got a shotgun with wheels. What's the... Is it Duplo? What's the one for young... That is a lot of fun. The big blocks. The big blocks.

Even Jack can get involved with that. So I'd say it's it's well rated because it but it's honestly quality i used to build houses for my action man yeah and then little yeah just a big fuck off house with windows and that reaction man could chill jed says overrated underrated laying on the floor at home just one of the more how old is he random underrated overrateds people don't give their age on the underrated overrated

if he's 70 plus because if Tom Lutis is like Lego but I am six

you're like yeah it's exactly Lego I'm 93 I've got cataracts lying down

on the floor can be fun yeah but I've got wooden floors downstairs I'm just saying if you

if you've got a couch if you've got a couch the couch is so much better to lie down on than the floor yeah yeah sometimes your couch can be comfier than your bed weirdly even though it shouldn't be sometimes your couch to have like a snooze on shit's all over your bed also you're allowed you're allowed to lie down and have... You know what I mean? I am, yeah. On a Sunday afternoon, you can lie down on the couch. Try going to bed on your... Like, just out of nowhere on a Sunday afternoon,

just getting in bed and going to sleep. No, if you get in bed, yeah. If you get in bed, people get in bed. We've been doing stuff. You can be like, oh, I'm just watching the Grand Prix. It's a sneaky nap, innit? If you get in bed and, like like pull the covers over and go to sleep yeah

but that's why lying on the couch is sweet lay on your bed because you know what I'm saying if you sneak if you want a nap

yeah the couch means you can be like oh yeah yeah we're hanging out you're on your phone I'm just gonna watch the snooker

it's great off the floor you can't the floor mate fuck off what are you doing Jed what are you doing

stretches when there's people coming to your house though and you haven't got enough seating lying down on the floor you can't the floor mate fuck off what are you doing jed what are you doing stretches when there's people coming to your house though when you haven't got enough seating lying down on the floor is all right yeah oh when you have like a gathering a little and what you have people around yeah everyone's on the couch and then you lie on the floor yeah yeah that's normal i had an intense urge to lie on the floor during the chocolate dinosaur special you did you did for ages yeah because you were you were high as fuck yeah but that just felt as people around yeah i did lie in front of the fire on the rug unbelievable yeah look at this i often lie on that floor right that's unbelievable that's as comfy as i am now yeah all right cool the audio listeners adam is lying down showing us what he'd do if he was entertaining people

in his sweaty flat where the heating's been on for two weeks are you sweating just lie down unfortunately pants off yeah yeah yeah

Bickham row that's what we're doing erm here he goes I can't think of one social occasion where everyone's come round

Christmas I lie on the floor so often on Christmas day yeah maybe I think rules are different at Christmas aren't they you've got to just Christmas. I lie on the floor so often on Christmas Day. Yeah, I think rules are different at Christmas, aren't they? You've got to just, you've got to find the floor space where you can find it. Rhys says, Ikea,

underrated, overrated. It's underrated until you're there. Do you know what it is? The products are overrated, but the trip is underrated. In my head going to Ikea is like ugh then I get there

and I'm like woo I know I'm the opposite yeah I was thinking the opposite the products are great it's a pain in the arse Ikea

just walking around no I'm like let's go to Ikea Evie and get there and buy nothing that would be a great place for a game of bonus

I think it yeah the bonus special in Ikea would be a really easy one for us to do one day isn't it

but isn't the whole the game of bonus is fun if there's someone that's going to bollock you for playing boners in ikea i think the staff are getting angry if you're in bed shopping i don't think they would i think they're so not they wouldn't like it they're just wearing that uncomfortable looking fucking uniform hedge hedge that's hey isn't it you want to get in the beds though and that like in the wardrobes Adam's fucked by the way he's just got so much beans Jordan says

last one and then we'll have a break overrated, underrated, fantasies with a female so overrated the police woman fantasy we're talking your missus dressing up fancy dress I love it like you

know it's like fighting back against the system take me cock your pig scum is that what you'd say yeah i should deep into the role play your missus there actually actually i'm a non-sunner so i'm actually in a chat room right now yeah well i'm in a chat room as well see you behind kfc um police woman doesn't do much for me I don't think really even with a little fucking

nobody don't wear that do they when you see a police woman wearing a miniskirt that's not what he's asking though he's not asking about actual police uniform

realism realism's important I mean if we can't hire a police station there's no point in even doing the role play you've turned up in your fucking

normal car how am I meant to get hard if you don't have a police van? Riot gear, that's what I'd like to do. Full tear gas and then wank me off. Those little skirts where you like, literally, it is a fucking millimetre away from just showing the flaps. It defy it. Oh, it's- That sounds awful.

Italian pulleys. How short's that it's like an inch like fucking not an inch it depends it depends how big the flaps are

on the technicality that's a long skirt longer flaps nurse nurse I think that's overrated mum's a nurse

I actually like it now but she's never worn an inch long skirt either. I think the nurse is overrated. Not for you. I can't get into the nurse one because I'm like, why am I fucking you if I'm sick?

The fucking you're better, aren't you? Right. So you can't play the doctor. You have to play a patient. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had a mate who used to work at Christie's

in Manchester the cancer hospital and she told me some stories about people like you know recovering and dying from cancer

and the nurse fantasy just got way too real for it like nurses put up with horrific stuff in that uniform and then all of a sudden they're getting home

like oh my god yeah I'm horny now like fuck give them a pay rise first then shag them nurse scrubs are quite fit though fucking Cuba and my mum's a nurse

yeah I got my missus to dress up a nurse you know what I did gave her a pay rise I'm sure you said you can't understand that because you're not the patient are you the criminal

in the fucking fantasy yeah or just the husband of a police woman can't you be the husband of a nurse that's a bit lame innit it can't you be the husband of an ex that's a bit lame innit it just doesn't feel the same

what an amazing role play did you have a rough day at work yeah I did now fuck me like yeah that's all I need it's well better being

the criminal innit yeah oh you've been you're under arrest you're gonna get three years unless you let me nosh you off

what was what was your mum's job what I'm asking what your mum's job? What? I'm asking what your mum's job was. She was a pedo hunter. But there's no

uniform for that. She was one of the first. Yeah, yeah. She got them to meet them round the back of a wimpy. She was a teacher.

She was the next one on the list. Teacher's one? Deafo. Sex with the glasses isn't there? I haven't done my own work, miss.

I suck your tits, though. I'll let you off then. And the teacher in that fantasy is my mum. She's a paedophile. Your boss. I've been held back. How long? Years.

You've been held back? Yeah. In English school, you've been held back. He doesn't do his own work, so he's only sucking tits. He can't come. I'm going to't do his own work so he's only sucking tits he can't I'm going to not do my own work

for 12 years so I can fuck you so you're 28 she's like yeah holding back Mrs Prenton do you think you're doing something wrong with Adam Rowe

because he is 28 and he's still in year 11 I don't know. What I'm more of, I'm trying to encourage him, he's sucking me tits. I don't know what else I'm meant to do. Yeah, she'd have been investigating pretty quickly. Or maybe I'm at night school then. Off my own

back. Night school. Doing a floristry course. Floristry. There's loads of tit sucking going on there. Lovely bouquet, you know what I'm talking about tits erm

the boss fantasy I mean Evan is living the fucking nightmare of that isn't he that could be anyone though couldn't it well

Finn erm maid French maid love it the goat G-O-A-T top tier

oh are you cleaning me fucking room are you love well I've got some mess for you come right do you actually make them clean up as well oh are you cleaning me fucking room are you love well I've got some mess for you come right

do you actually make them clean up as well because I don't no they just have to like they just have a duster don't they French maids are fucking useless

cleaners aren't they they're over there like dusting a telly for half an hour and then they get bummed yeah that's why the

whole of France is dusty it's too much bumming going on. French made is the absolute goat of... Does that beat, like, if you had a Wimbledon fantasy? Yeah, because it's the same thing. It's just the same thing.

Everyone is wearing the same skirt. I thought it was specifically tennis skirts. I call them tennis skirts because it just puts a real clear image in your head. I think a lot of these are very sexist, aren't they? Could you put any job with a skirt? Traffic warden. Yeah.

Got a skirt. Oh, I just think it's a skirt, lad. Stop this, eh? Astronaut. Why is astronaut not on this? Yeah, that's what I meant.

Astronaut's got a skirt on that. Astronaut. Foundry worker. CEO of a powerful company the absolute bro for me now is

cowboy and cowboy boots cowgirl hat and cowgirl boots yes and I think they're great and that's an

outfit that everyone can and should wear am I learning yeah yeah great let's leave it at that thank you

for that that's from Jordan of those stereotypical ones I just want to read today French maid oh I've just noticed he's also put

sister's friend step mom and mother-in-law at the end okay when's mother-in-law a fucking my man's a porn fan

isn't he yeah I don't think mother-in-law is a big it's all taboo isn't it I shouldn't be shagging you

it is is that Elaine yeah and it's like no but it's like your parents might and it's like no but it's like your parents might Elaine it's more like

it's more like oh I'm bringing my boyfriend home for the first time yeah that kind of thing oh I'm gonna go to the shop

to get us some ice pops don't shag me mum you've not been married nine years and she's 58 I'll be two hours oh yeah she's looked after

the kids for the weekend yeah I think I'm I think I'm in a different version of mother-in-law. Sister's friend's great. Sister's friend is great. Your sister's mate. Right.

Because your mate's sister's heavy as well. Like when you were a kid. Oh, your mate's sister. If Carl had a sister and I shagged her, I would tell him every day. I'd be like, I shagged you just by the way. And he'd be like, I know. Yeah, but you wouldn't have a house to live in

because he'd have burnt it to the ground. I've shagged his brother and that was fine no he would he would let me shag his sister I wouldn't you would I wouldn't

we'll talk about it can I shag your sister sure I'll have to find her yeah you're a good guy she could do a lot worse oh

growth don't bum her alright I won't bum your Chinese sister well this has been an interesting section I think you'll all agree I think it was 12 minutes long

enjoy the break see you in a bit part three of this week's episode Carl's had to nip out so Finn is in lead producer's seat he's taken Finn's seat Carl's mum has got her labia caught in the fridge

so yeah he's got to come and try and get that Vincey, Carl's mum, has got her labia caught in the fridge. Oh, Jesus. He's got to come and try and get that. It can happen. It can happen, can't you? Andrew Maxwell's here! Changing the subject! When you walk around the house naked, you know, because she lives alone now because Carl's moved out.

And she's got big flaps and a big fridge. Exactly. And you open the fridge to get yourself a nice cup of iced tea. And now it's a smack fridge. And you shut the fridge. Ah! Me flap is in the fridge. I hope she's alright, genuinely, from the bottom of me heart. I love that woman. I love her

like I love her. Andrew Maxar's here! Nice. It can happen though. It can. Flaps and here! Nice. Nice fuck. It can happen though. It can. Flaps and fridges. It can.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It has. That is why Carl isn't here. Oh, no. Roughly. What? Roughly. Yeah. I've got a small dick.

It doesn't get stuck anywhere. That's a great plus point. What about the ball bag? That keeps growing. Oh, I've got a huge ball bag. Do you not think there's any way you could get your dick stuck? What about like a Chinese finger trap?

You know when you're getting out of the car and you're like, oh, my keys, and then you close the door and you're like, ah, my balls are still in the car. It's a nightmare. In the backseat of the car.

Someone else's dick. In a child's seat. You what? Chinese finger trap for your dick. For my dick? Yeah, around that way. I've never stuck it. Yeah, I've never stuck my dick in a Chinese finger trap. I dick. For my dick? Yeah, around that way. I've never stuck it. Yeah, I've never stuck my dick in a Chinese finger trap.

I need another dick for it as well. Andrew, thank you very much for coming in. I'll be that dick. Oh, nice one. We were talking in the first half about how the fact we've just got back from the States and stuff. And I mentioned the States to you as you arrived and you said a sentence that I immediately cut you off

because I didn't want to hear a word of it until we could monetize it. So could you just say exactly what you said to me outside again? Yes. I was arrested for invading Area 51. And we're off. I have a permanent FBI record

for life. I have been banned from all American military installations for life. Why did you break into Area 51? I made a series about 15 years ago for BBC Three called Conspiracy Road Trip. The premise of the show was a particular conspiracy.

I would take people who were true believers in that. We'd be on a coach travelling around America meeting experts and eyewitnesses and we'd bicker and argue about that for an hour. Okay, so just questions along the way, if that's okay. Are you a conspiracy guy yourself? No, no.

Because I am, but Dan isn't, you see. He doesn't get it. See, the thing is, I guess the world is fucked, and there is definitely bad forces and actors, but it's about breaking down the difference between probability possibility and plausibility do you think

Hillary Clinton eats children no always go with the extreme always go with the extreme I don't think

she eats them but she licks them that's the difference you're a lunatic she eats a child and then throws it up yeah

she's she's she's a she's a she eats a cow and then throws it up. Yeah, she is. I'm not going to swallow a child. She's a bulimic, beautiful cannibal. Oh, Andrew's tuned in immediately. It sounds like a great setup, though. That's a great setup for a TV show. Did any of these guys convince you of their one when you were doing it?

No, no, no. Like I said, it's the difference between possibility and plausibility and probability. Yeah. You know? But that episode was about aliens, right? So I was on a tour

like three weeks traveling around the desert southwest. Sorry, I really do want, I don't want to keep interrupting you. No, no, please. Questions away.

But, but, but. How much does she chew them? Lads, I'm not over it. No, so you said none of them convinced you? Yeah. But like aliens in Area 51 is like, but how much does she chew them lads I'm not over it no so you said none of them convinced you but like aliens in Area 51 is like

that's a fact isn't it that's not yeah so we met a couple of different you know NASA people yeah

and they were like the people I'm with are like really grilling them so there is life in space it's a fact and these scientists were like yes I mean we've got them back in the Petri dishes like we've like really grilling them. So there is life in space. It's a fact. And these scientists were like, yes,

I mean, we've got them back in the Petri dishes. Like we've, there is microbes we have found on the moon and coming back from Mars

and on distant comets. Like there is bugs, but there's nothing, basically the world of actual science, they're like, you know, there's nothing.

If there is life in the life that we would conceive it like as a podcast you know traffic jams fingering all that if that exists how do you put humans in three words podcast traffic jams and fingering and if you're lucky all at the

same time that's it my first memoir but basically they were going like if that Podcasting, traffic jams and fingering. And if you're lucky, all at the same time. That's it. My first memoir. But basically, they were going like, if that exists, those things exist. They're so far away in time-space that they might as well not exist vis-a-vis us. Yeah. Right? Because the universe is so vast.

Right? You know, the amount of possibility in the universe is, there probably is something. And the travel time is the problem as well. That's it. They commute. They can, yeah.

Even if they've existed. For us, though, for our transport, but some of these cunts up in the fucking stratosphere, mate, they've got, like, super planes. Yeah, they haven't, though, have they? They have. Have you not seen the footage that got released during the pandemic where there's, like, a fighter pilot follows an alien

and the alien just fucks off? Yeah. And NASA released it and we're like, no, this is a real thing. No, what NASA said is it's a UFO, right? Yeah. It's an undendified flying object. They didn't say, oh, yeah, it's an alien cunt. No, they didn't.

Ah, it's one of them alien cunts. Because they can't swear on the news. That's the reason why they're keeping it under wraps. But like they came out and went, that's a UFO. Yeah. But there's not a human machine that can move like that. So it's an alien, isn't it? It's some fucking juker to cunt.

Also, atmospherics do a lot of astonishing things as well. What's that? Just the atmosphere. Like you get all sorts of crazy, you know, lightning effects and the sky and light. There's a lot of stuff that can look fantastic. Yeah, but it's more fun to think that someone from Jupiter has come down going, let's invade these

because I want to do a podcast, get in a traffic jam and have a wank. And I'll tell you what, those dupe cunts can fuck off go home dupe cunts to your planet your planet let's just make sure everyone heard the P

in that dirty dupes those dupes and those neps as well fuck off those sats they can fuck off where's Uranus

anyway so so this was the premise of the show we're going around we're meeting all these people and whatnot off. Those sats, they can fuck off. Where's Uranus? Anyway, so this was the premise of the show. We're going around, we're meeting all these people and whatnot. And various, the people, there's five, six people on the bus with me and they had all sorts of different, one of them believed that aliens could remotely make her

orgasm from space. There was all sorts of different, there was another guy who was literally prepping for the alien invasion. He was building himself a bunker in his back garden in Swindon. So there was all sorts...

There was a lot of mixed bag of different levels of... See, that guy to me is... Ufology. That guy to me is where I draw the line. Because I think, like,

if aliens are coming, your bunker in your garden is not going to save you. Do you know what I mean? Your best bet is to try and make them something to drink, something to eat. Invite them in.

Get a ticket for the game. You brought a fucking dupe to the game. Easy, lad. Let them breed with your nostrils. Just accept. Just accept whatever their tentacles into your nostrils. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Just let them spore inside your brain. Give them a modafinil. See what happens. See what happens. See if they stay awake or go to sleep. I'm absolutely fucking wired by the way.

I haven't felt like this for a while. Yeah. This is because you don't do enough cocaine. Yeah. Or too much modafinil. Modafinil.

The only time I've had a modafinil was the Champions League final in Paris. Because I'd got overnight drinking and got a flight to Paris like early in the morning and just needed it for the air.inil was the Champions League final in Paris. Because I'd got overnight drinking and got a flight to Paris early in the morning and just needed it for the air. And you're the reason the game was delayed. But back to Area 51.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. Because we ended up in Paris there for the cup final. Briefly. We were briefly in Paris, which was founded by aliens, of course. Of course. Of course. That's why they've got the big fucking thing pointing.

That's where we live. That's where it's pointing to space. That's the direction, dupes. Go home. So we're doing all these things, right? And we've met experts and people who are eyewitness and aliens and whatnot.

And we've been on the tour bus for like two weeks in the desert. At one point, we're out there. We're in Arizona. We check into a hotel i almost get killed it's just give giving a room key in a really shabby motel in the middle of nowhere in arizona i trundled my room we've been in the tour bus for seven hours get in there open the key turn on the light there's a redneck in bed pulls a gun on. What the fuck are you doing in my room? And I'm like,

I thought it was my room. It was my bag. I'm so sorry. Please don't shoot me. And he's like, how do I know that's your bag? I'm like, what?

How did that bag could be emptied? It's still my shit. Like, it's all while he's naked pointing a gun at me. And I'm like, well, I can show you my things.

Do it. So I had to unpack my bag there's me shorts there there's me underpants I'm taking those yeah you can see there's there's dolphins on them that's quite fun we met him last week he made us dinner oh yeah real friendly real friendly don't cross me or talk about Jesus so this this guy, so all sorts of crazy shit. So now this is the final fucking thing, right? I'm, we've,

they're going, we have to go to Area 51. And for those people who don't know, it's a top secret American air base where they developed stealth bomber technology

and it's about two hours directly north of Vegas in the Nevada desert. And it's vast. It's the size of an English county because it's the American deserts's vast. It's the size of an English county because it's the American deserts out west. It's fucking huge, huge, right?

So we get out there and I'm like, you know, what are your plans? What do you want to do there? And I'm like, they're like, it's the alien, global alien prison. We have to, you know, shine a light in the fact that this, but the American government

are kidnapping aliens and torturing them and squeezing their juice or whatever to great, great new technology and whatnot, right? So, and the Turbos,

I'm starting to lose my mind at this stage. And I went to them, I goes, look, there's no way we're actually going to, it's secure United States Air Force Air Base.

There's no way we're going to be able to, you know, meet the aliens, right? But what we can do, and I said this taking a piss, but also just losing my mind. What we can do is try and communicate

with the aliens through the universal language of dance. Right? So we choreographed all these dance routines. You know the way in a movie like the alien language that's on, you know what I mean?

On the headboard of an inside of spaceship. So we were like geometric shapes. Beep, boop, boop, boop. So, and they went along with it because-

With the guy from Swindon? Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, they all went along. I mean, they were all crackerjack but they were also good crack as well.

Like, some of the other episodes in the series were a lot more, you know, more niggly. But they were good fun, right? So they went along with it. So the night before, because it's so far out, we had to stay in the only motel bar near the base. And you just stay in these little cabins in the desert. And everybody else in there was American military

and security personnel. Or aliens in disguise, Andrew. No, no, this guy, this guy was CIA and he was drunk and he tried it on with me. Anyway, the point is,

they were like, this is, so they knew that the BBC and a camera crew of numbskulls were going to do something the next day. They knew we were coming, right?

So the next day we drive out to it. Now it's just flat desert, high on the mesa, roasting during the day, freezing at night, like proper John Wayne, you know, cowboy movie. Middle of nowhere. And we just follow the postcode to it, right in the bus. We get there and do you remember the end of blazing saddles where they try and slow down the baddies by setting up a toll booth in

the desert yeah right that's what the entrance to area 51 is there's just a security post like a big box with all sorts of wiring and you you know, mirrored glass. And one of these ones, you know, a, you know, a railway crossing thing. And then another 50 meters, another railway crossing thing. And other than that, nothing. There's no chain fence. It's so vast. Right. And so few people try and get in. Yeah. So this, and this was before, do you remember it was about five, six years ago, some dudes did try and pull a stunt of, we did this 15 years ago, right?

So we get there and there's the wire thing. And my thing is we'll get there, we'll jump out of the bus, we'll start fannying around doing our dance routines and some American soldiers are just going to come out and go, fuck off. And we'd have that interaction on camera. I could go, look, I told you it's just an airbase.

And they could go, see, they wouldn't let us in. Right. So we'd all be happy. Yeah. And we had some sort of bow to tie up the episode. Yeah. Right. That was it.

That was my idea. Right. So we get there, jump out, beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop. Fucking nobody. Nothing. Right. So we're doing this. jump out beep boop boop beep boop boop fucking nobody nothing right so we're doing this we're like we're doing this

for like a fucking hour right we're just beep boop boop boof what now right but we're getting giddier and giddier

right yeah because you're fucking sweating your dick off in the desert yeah yeah yeah so we get up to the and it's just literally one of those things.

And I went, I went, who dares me to put my arm underneath it? And genuinely one of them went, don't! They have lasers! I'm like, oh my God.

Fucking, fucking beautiful, right? So, so I went, there's the thing. Oh, my hand, as you can see, my arm, let the court notice, was not lasered off.

So we're getting a bit more looser now. And I limboed underneath it. So now I'm actually on the base. You're just trying to goad them into a topper for this episode. Yeah, that's right. Somebody come out and just tell us to fuck off. You know, they had like like, mics up there. They could have gone just remotely,

please step away from the press. Stop dancing. Something, right? So now I'm underneath and slowly but surely they all are as well. Right? Next thing, we all are.

The producer, sound man, cameraman, and all five, six of the ufologists. We're all now between the two security gates and we're beside the security box, which is sort of the size of a, you know, a port-a-cabin.

Similar structure, but it's all, you know, mirrored windows and whatnot. Still nothing, right? So we're standing there on the base. You know, you can see the security cameras are pointing at us. Nothing. So I went

who dares me to knock on the door and we'll all run away right in Ireland we call it a knock and run and you're like an idiot

yeah yeah something anything right we call it a knick knack in Dublin right where do you run to what's that

well just I don't know just yeah exactly the car hooray back in our trundling diesel van

haha we've outrun the United States Air Force in a van right so nothing nothing

nothing nothing they're like yeah go on we're all giggling we're like really losing our minds like we're just

so I went up to them they're like whoo shut up no there's not like I'm absolutely convinced there's nobody here like we've been fannying around here

now for at least an hour. So I'm like, den, den, den, den, ding, ding, ding. Door opens, five dudes with machine guns, get the fuck on the floor! No! No!

They have his face down in the fucking dirt they're like get the fuck on the floor who the fuck are you what the fuck is going on here get the fuck down

right what were they doing were you playing limbo I would explain I was playing so this is so we're now

face down everybody face to right we had our hands behind our back they confiscated everything they took all our cameras passports phones they wouldn't let us talk to each other face down there. Everybody faced the right way. We had our hands behind our back. They confiscated everything. They took all our cameras,

passports, phones. They wouldn't let us talk to each other. Right? There's one bit we're all face down and they're like, silence!

Don't be talking! Don't be fucking talking! And they're like, they're pointing their, you know, ARs at us. Yeah. Right?

And all of a sudden, like, oh my God, there's just Iron Man and we're in a desert and the sun's starting to set oh shit and it's not as funny

as it was five minutes ago it's nowhere near as fun right and I went look I have to explain I'm an Irish comedian we're the BBC I'm a comedian

it's a comedy show I'm sorry this is all my fault they're like shut the fuck up right and they take all our stuff

and then we're just like not loud speak right they take all our stuff and then we're just like not loudspeak right they keep coming marching up and down shut up shut up this goes on for hours

right I alleviate the situation by letting out a really loud fart you know proper right we're like

shut up shut up shut the fuck up right everything our passports phones everything confiscated

The booth is now open And they're like Ringing through BBC, BBC And it's All of a sudden This is They're ringing back

They're like Fucking sergeants arrived Or the captain or whatever And they're going Right This guy's like Fuck This is not good

To the soldiers Not to us. They go, this is, fuck, DC's involved. Fuck, we're like, what's going on? Eventually, he goes, right, you're to be handed over to Sheriff's Department. This is after hours of us lying. They gave us plastic bags. You know, the sort of the ones, they're meant to be like the ones at the end of a marathon to keep you warm. But they gave us plastic bags you know the sort of the ones they're meant to be like

the ones at the end of a marathon to keep you warm but they were just bin bags they made us lie face dirt down in the dirt silently with bin bags

we now think we're in body bags right you can imagine so you can imagine the conspiracy punters are like we're about to be led away

and killed in the desert by the United States government I'm not I'm just like I really need to piss and I'm in a bin bag eventually a, I really need to piss on a minute bin bag. Eventually, a sheriff comes up.

It's Lincoln County, it's called. So it's a massive, massive desert county. And the sheriff has come, deputy sheriff comes from all the way to the other side of county

and he's, he's in a cowboy hair. He's a big fat old boy, right? He is like, literally Smokey and the Bandit type looking sheriff,

right? Lovely dude. Deputy Mike Ray was his name, right? He is like literally Smokey and the Bandit type looking sheriff, right? Lovely dude. Deputy Mike Ray was his name, right? He was, that part of America is all LDS, right? They call themselves the LDS. We call them the Mormons, right? Mormons have loads of cuckoo opinions but are sweet, sweet, kind,

nice people, right? That's their thing, right? They're like genuine Ned Flanders. Yeah, they took her in, you know in the book a Mormon went big on Broadway. They bought

advertising space in the playbill. Yeah, you can't offend them. If you want to hear more about being a Mormon visit the Mormon website. Yeah, you can never

offend them. In a play that is taking the piss out of them. Hey, we've just been in the south in Nashville. Everyone's friendly. There was a guy explaining guns to us

with a machine gun hanging off his neck. Yeah, yeah, they're friendly. And he's amazingly friendly. Maybe I'd be friendly if I had a fucking machine gun. I don't know. I wouldn't have to keep up this exterior, this facade. So in turn, they took every one of us aside, right?

And I was the last one. The first one's one of the most vocal ufologists. He gets up and goes, I know where you're keeping the aliens. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Right? They go through all of them. They're banging on about aliens to the sheriff and the soldiers are still there. And eventually it's my turn.

I'm like, sorry, dude. Like, I'm a comedian. This is all my fault. Right? What's your name? Andrew Maxwell. This is a time, it's the only time I've ever done the live at the Apollo. I'd done it like a year before, six months before. And he goes, how do i know you're a comedian tell us a joke i'm like oh my god oh man dude like you've got google can you not just google me and he goes okay me and the boys are

gonna go away and look at you and they stood there well i'm just like waiting well they watched me and live at the ap they went are they laughing yeah yeah that's a good laugh mate they were like alright he comes back when you're in a bin bag

in the desert that's a big laugh so he goes yep that checks out you're a funny fucker alright well we're going to write you up a citation

and then we're going to let you all go but they confiscated all the footage but luckily we had the driver and one of the girls

had cried out. She panicked and went back on the bus and she sneakily we got some pictures to finish up the thing. But they took the footage of that day.

So you're now obviously not allowed to attack army bases in the States, which I think, I don't think you need a citation for that. I don't think anyone's allowed.

Are you allowed back in the States? I have been back since but my when i go to the you get flagged up it is a long chat in the u.s embassy really long really really really long and somebody has to you know copper bottom great lawyers and whatnot you know i can't i can't just go in off my own speed anymore you can't just be like i just fancy a week in New York I'm just going to book a flight so yeah there's always a little bit extra but they gave us all these

these letters you know permanently banning us and we the citation which is like a parking ticket was like $650 each and as it turns out

I was like we're wrapping it all up and I'm shaking our hands I go listen again I'm sorry lads you know and I got this second hand shirt

right I just thought it was cool it was cool. It was just a shade of blue, kind of army-ish. And it turns out it was a US Air Force fucking shirt. That's what I was wearing. They're like, were you one of us once? And I went, what do you mean?

No, I like the color. No, I just thought it looked really fucking cool. And they were like, okay, all right. So we're now standing around. That could have backfired as well. How come, like, what was it all about? Like, we were fucking around outside for ages. Where were you? Because they think you were in an underground bunker

and you're like, you've got a James Bond layer and you popped up. They were, no, dude, we were watching the Lakers game. We saw, we thought, this is some sort of flash mob. Well, let's just watching the Lakers game. We saw, we thought, this is some sort of flash mob. Well, let's just watch the Lakers game. Until you knocked on the door. Until I knocked the door and they were like, oh, fuck. And he goes, that's why we were angry. Sorry if we seemed really angry.

We just, you disturbed the Lakers game. And that was it. And so we were packing up, we're getting back in the bus. And he goes, goes the dude I went I suppose this happens all the time and he went no

we've never had a mass invasion of the base before we had one Japanese guy 10 years ago demand that we take him back to his planet

but other than that nobody has ever done this this is really why would you how did it come out did it look alright with the footage you got? If anything, it actually kind of looked better

because, you know what I mean? It looked like you got bothered. Yeah, we could, you know, voice it. I think the Air Force shirt could have backfired there. It's good that they were like, oh, it's great. We were in a bar in Nashville and they take serving really seriously. So the guy playing music goes, has anyone served any military in? And they take serving really seriously.

So the guy playing music goes, has anyone served any military in? And they literally, like the pack of cunts they are, all sort of moved away from me and went, this guy, this guy. And I tried to just ignore it. Because you're looking around going, they all look like ex-military. Always.

And he was like, oh, he's so. So I was just like, yeah. And they were still pointing. So I was just like, I just put my arm up. And he was like, guys's so so I was just like yeah and they were still pointing so I was just like I just put my arm up and he was like guys really humble really humble I was like

you're gonna get me fucking shot on a roof bar in Nashville he wouldn't have been able to prove you haven't saved would he

look at the fucking state yeah but loads of people let themselves go have you seen Razor Ruddock Razor Ruddock's let three people

go I've worked with Razor a couple of times Let three people go I've worked With Razor a couple of times Grey crack But oh my god He is a living Mr. Man He is literally

A Mr. Man Yeah and he was in Seal Team 6 as well And not a lot of people Know that Hello Osama you know You could have been

In the army You could have been In with the boys Who entertain you I was at Area 51 Watching basketball I'm obsessed with Area 51 I'm convinced Bob was hard Do you know what was cool Area 51 watching basketball. I'm obsessed with Area 51. I'm convinced.

Bob was hard on me. Do you know what was cool? Genuine was cool. So the next day there was the thing called the black post box. Yeah. Or the white post box

or black box. It used to be one and then they painted the other. I don't see colour. But nevertheless it's a post box. And it is in the folklore

of Area 51 and ufology. It is really important. It's just the postbox of a ranch that's on the edge of this vast, vast space. And we're out there filming at it. And, you know, you've got the desert sky. There's no light pollution at all. Like you see like, you know, not just stars. You can see whole like Milky Ways and galaxies.

And you've got little shooting stars and stuff like that. And it is incredibly cool. And then a stealth bomber from the base flew past and it looked like an alien spaceship. And by that, I mean, it was obviously,

you could see by the shape, it's a stealth bomber, but it moved really fast and really slowly to the human eye at the same time and it was completely silent completely silent the black triangle yeah yeah that's right yeah yeah and it was completely silent as it went across and it was only as it was just leaving her eye line you just heard it was so like i love it how they fly those over like the super bowl yeah that's like listen we're about to play a big game let's just fly over some really menacing weapons of death yeah

well those things you know those things there was a couple of years back when kim il fucking how's your father in in on yes Kim Il Jung yes the youngest one whatever the youngest one Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Un it was Kim Jong Il

that's right and then he died and now it's Kim Jong Un and the grandfather was also called Kim so yeah there's

Kardashian yeah yeah yeah Kim Jong yeah there was another Kim Jong yeah yeah yeah but anyway so there's he had been

threatening missiles and whatnot. And the Americans just sent one of those stealth bombers from America to North Korea, flew over North Korea and back in one run, in two hours. And that was the end of that. It was like, we don't need to,

this is what we could do. Just a little. We could fly the entire planet. Just a little flyby. Just a little, there you go. And they were all like, and they went, aliens exist.

They're called Americans. I have no attraction to Area 51 whatsoever. I'd love it out. I watched a thing with a fella called Bob Lazar. So he did Joe Rogan and then did his Netflix documentary. So Bob Lazar was discredited back in the day when he first came out.

He claims he worked at Area 51 fixing spaceships and has met aliens. And that, what? It's funny, isn't it? Right. So he got discredited at Area 51. He did?

He never worked there. He didn't. He's got a degree from a university. I think itited in 1951. He did? He never worked there. He didn't. He's got a degree from a university. I think it's in Mexico City. And then the university were like, he never even came here. But there's newspaper curtains and stuff of him getting academic rewards for excellence at that university.

So he's been discredited by the system? Yeah. So he would then have a grudge against the system no no he's got that only happened because he came out and was like uh i need to tell you all those fucking aliens in here and then they all went you didn't even work here and you didn't go to that university either like it it came out because of what he was saying and the thing for me was like he said oh at one point he like looked into a room and there was just like a scientist just having a fucking chat with a little green fella like a little alien and it sounds like bollocks but then he

described how they get into the secure bits of area 51 and you put your hand on a thing and it wasn't like doing your fingerprints it was measured in your bones in your hand right because everyone's bone structure is different and it was like oh it measures your bone structure and that's how you get in so that no one can ever sort of fake it. And everyone just laughed it off for years. But then that technology is used at Area 51 and that come out like 20 years after he claimed it. Well, it's like I said,

I've drank in the bar with the dudes who work there. So it's not that bone measuring. It's just a US military clearance. No, but that is a thing. Well, possibly. I mean, maybe the guys you met

work at the airbase bit that's like a ruse that they don't even know about the alien stuff. Quite possibly. I don't think. Within layers. But, you know,

you don't need to measure the bones. They've discovered that it's not just your fingerprints or your irises. Everybody has a unique bum hole. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could...

Mine is especially unique right now as well. But you could bring that, you could just bend over in front of the security. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's Adam Brown's bum. Adam would get a citation almost immediately. That is an international travel ban

if he gets his bumhole out in Area 51. Oof. Everybody, it's nice to know though, isn't it, that we all have, we're unique down there. Do you know what I mean? I like to think that we've all got one. Seven billion different bumholes. No, I think there's three and a half.

I reckon everyone's got one matching bumhole twin. Oh. A bumhole soul, mate. Do you mean like a doppelbummer? Yeah. A doppelbummer. A doppelbummer. Do you remember those Forever Friends bracelets?

Yeah. You could just link up with someone else's arsehole and go, oh my God, it's a fit. It's like the Apple Gangbanger. Yeah. That would be nice. Have you gigged in the States? You've gigged all over, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah. You've done the festivals everywhere. Yeah, I did a festival in Caesars Palace in Vegas for HBO a long time ago. Oh, cool. Yeah. How long have you been gigging? Did you start late 90s? No, no.

This is my 32nd year in comedy. Shut the fuck up. I started when I was 17 and I'm 49. Wow. Fucking hell. A long time. Fucking stripes. That's it.

That's it. There's a special care home I'm going to. What a fun cow. Wow. Fucking hell. A long time. Fucking stripes. That's it. That's it. There's a special care home I'm going to. What a fun cow. We're all quite young comic stars. I was 18. You were in your 20s, weren't you? Yeah, I was 20.

Yeah. I think there's a weird stand-up. You either start at that age, or then you're late 20s, or 35. It's either you start as a kid, essentially, or you do all the things you're meant to do and then you get to your-

I think it's harder if you start later because you've already got like a fucking partner and a mortgage. That's right. When you start early, you're like,

oh, I can't do anything else. This is so good. And then you have to backtrack on a mortgage and stuff. Once you're so far down the rabbit hole of you're a comedian. Yeah.

17 though. Where was that? In Dublin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Started in Dublin, yeah. I heard dublin yeah i heard low handling and barry murphy me gave me a you know gig in the comedy cellar oh nice there's actually the open spot the week before me was dylan moran what trying out yeah yeah is this before the international this was the international oh shit comedy cellars the wednesday night in the international oh my god and that's the little gig upstairs i remember des bishop telling me about this yeah no you've never

done this there's no mic it's the size of this room it's probably smaller than that isn't it it takes 60 70 people rammed in i did the last couple of years ago and just popped over afterwards and i need to get on this fucking it's one of them you know when you've got a list in your head of like the gigs you want to play and just need to tick them off yeah that's's one of them, you know when you've got a list in your head of like, the gigs you want to play and you just need to tick them off? Yeah, yeah. That's been one of the, like, I've always wanted to do it.

Have you guys done Vicar Street? We're doing it. We're doing it on the 6th of July, the Hathaway Live show. Oh, it is the best room. It's amazing. It doesn't look like much,

it's just a, you know, in the world of theatres, it's a black box. Yeah. But the way, it's a thousand people, but the way it's laid out

is you've got 700 people on the floor on bar stools. It's a really unusual arrangement, but wow, it works. So there, you've got a bar stool and the seats are,

it's a unit, so you can't, there's no, you can't move your stool around and make noise. But there's four seats attached to this bar stool around and make noise but there's four seats attached to this bar stool unit

so it's you your best mate your missus his missus four pints and a little table and a table and so you've got

essentially you're gigging in a thousand seat Dublin pub everybody sat at a stool I just thought it was a theatre it's fucking unbelievable Irish lids

please get involved with this oh you'll love it we need to sell this out it's going to be fucking amazing I'm going to do talking bollocks on Tuesday I'm flying over on Tuesday

to do their podcast to give it a pug oh it is it is the best it's so good it's amazing it's an amazing amazing room

we're very excited yeah we're doing that with the podcast and then I'm doing the Olympia january also great but that's a classic you know your classic wall of people isn't it like they're all very close yeah that's your classic victorian you know you know with the balcony and whatnot but it's also a great room it's great it's the biggest room i've ever done it was two christmases it was back here I did there was a big gig on in the Philharmonic and I have to say what I know of Liverpool

is being a Liverpool fan so all I really up to very recently know of Liverpool is come off the motorway park near Anfield

go to the game have a drink in one of the many salubrious establishments nearby the park in is my boozer of choice. And then fuck off.

So it was only when I was, you know, walking around where the Philharmonic was, I was like, oh my God, look at all this. It's not North Liverpool. Jesus Christ. So it's not all Anfield. Look at this. They've got a Philharmonic.

Come on, it's great,monic and then I was staying with my Brett and Mary they live over in New Brighton the other side of the water and the last that same time

they took me out to Lark Lane I was like look at all this Sefton Park fuck me I had no idea I thought

that's where Carl lives Carl who's had to leave because of his mum's vagina God rest her mum's vagina. God rest her mum's vagina soul. Yeah. Let's hope she

you know you never did Hot War and stuff or you sort of passed that. Yeah. You did Rawhide back in the day

though. I did one gig years and years and years. So Liverpool's never been a regular gig in place. I just yeah

I just hadn't hadn't had the chance by the time you know a lot of the gigs were starting to open up here it was I was already off the circuit

you know what I mean so it's just a weird gap but that's what I know Liverpool is going to Anfield you know taking me

kid to Anfield I took him to his first game he's a little posh boy from North London he's 22 now but he was 9 fuck it was so great he was like we were walking back from school he's a little posh boy from North London. He's 22 now, but he was nine. Fuck, it was so great.

He was like, we were walking back from school. He's born and raised in North London, right? And he was a dinosaur boy. He was always in a dine house. He'd never really shown that much interest in football. And we were walking back hand in hand from school in Muswell Hill one day. And he went, dad, I like football now.

I'm like, oh yeah. Do you have a team? He went, yes, I do. And I'm like oh yeah do you have a team he went yes I do and I'm like alright if the kid says Chelsea just don't kick him into the room

to be honest he was born and raised literally in between Arsenal and Spurs so I think it's going to be them but at the time

Chelsea were on top right and I'm like alright who have you picked and he went I like Liverpool Who have you picked And he went I like Liverpool And I literally

Picked him up And just carried him home Like a little trophy Just going Red men Red men Red men Red men

And he went Do you want to go to a game And he went Yeah I'd love to dad And I went That's what we're doing Right And at the time

I was like I have no connection You know I'd only ever Yeah Scrounge ticket From somebody else I was like I don't know how. You know, I'd only ever scrounged tickets from somebody else. I was like, I don't know how to make this happen.

And I got on the Gumtree, right? And I found this dude who was going, selling tickets for the next game. That could have gone so wrong. Yeah, exactly. So it was just, it turns out it was just dude, he's a family of painted decorators from Birkenhead. And they're just like, they've got four season tickets and what used to be the same team.

We stand right underneath the scoreboard so he went it's like whatever it was 200 quid whatever he goes

in cash meet me in this pub right yeah the park inn yeah yeah that's the one so that's all I know so me and Flynn

it was nine at a time we drive up right park the car you know in those weird little gravelly bullshit car parks

and there's a man called Len who's got a limp. Don't worry kids, your car will be here. It's not going to fuck him. So you get there, we go into the pub and I'm looking for this dude

calling him, right, there's just glass all over the dance floor. There's two dudes threatening each other. There's a big fat man trying to split people up.

My son's like, I'm like, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right. I guess we're just going to meet this guy who took it. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, come on. Let's just, we just got to go outside to pub. And Flynn's like, I really need pee. Dad, I really need to use the toilet. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, not here, son.

He goes, no, I really need it. He's hopping from foot to foot. I'm like, oh, fuck. All right. Like the smoking ban had already come in, but people are tabbing away in the booth. Like mayhem. So bring him out to the toilets, out the back, right?

And it's all the urinals rammed because it's like 10 minutes before kickoff. Knock it. Let's go, right? So it's that surge, right? So everybody's in there having a piss. There's people pissing in the urinals, people pissing in stalls. There's the actual toilet, right? There's just an having a piss there's people pissing in the rhinos people pissing in stalls

the actual toilet right there's just an old boy you know just an old fucking big purple nose you know like Desi I know him yeah yeah big fucking Desi with a purple nose and he's pissing into the sink right his big old purple cock and his purple nose

and he's there with his big belly in that and he's pissing in the sink, right? And my son's, I'm like, oh fuck, what have I done? This is like, what have I done?

Right? And he's like, I really need to piss down. And he goes, I'm like, there's nowhere here someone won't go, right? And this guy just edged along

and he goes, go on son, jump in, join in lads. It's so great. I'm going to tell you the most scouse line ever he goes

go on lad join in and my son's like little posh London boy he's like I don't think so he goes don't be like that lad

go on join in lad you deserve it you deserve it lad it's so great isn't it you deserve it you deserve it piss in a sink it's so fucking great oh he. It's so fucking great.

Oh, he's purple cock. So fucking great. Purple bin, purple cock. Purple nose, purple cock. All this talk of toilets means I need to go and do a poo. Have you needed to do a poo for about 10 minutes? Has it been coming? That's the aliens.

That's the aliens. That's the aliens. It's the modafinil. All right, he's going to go and make an area 51. We've just had news come through from Carl. The labia is out the fridge, but now it's stuck in the freezer. I hope she's all right.

I hope Barbara Riegler is all right, because this has been fun. But who's editing the episode? That is not the worst thing that's happened to that woman's pussy. She's going to be fine. Oh, jeez. I mean, But who's editing the episode? That is not the worst thing that's happened to that woman's pussy. She's going to be fine. I mean, I would like to condemn you, but I have seen the brass plaque.

He has known this woman since childhood. He's an animal. You've got a podcast. Just started. First guest, Barbara Regal. No, I'm joking. You've just started a podcast. Yeah, myself and Glenn Wall. Yes.'ve just started a podcast. Yeah, myself and Glenn Wool.

Yes. He's done the, he's been on twice, yeah? Yeah, yeah. So, it's called Egypt's of the World and it's basically

a roundup of what's happened in the news that week. But instead of going, you're wrong and we're right, you know what I mean, where it can get all a bit like that. Yeah.

We just focus on who's been a fucking Egypt. Okay. You know what I mean? And celebrate can get all a bit like that. Yeah. We just focus on who's been a fucking Egypt. Okay. You know what I mean? And celebrate the stupidity. Because if somebody's been stupider than you, then that makes you feel good. What's it called?

What's it called? Egypts of the world. Nice, nice, nice. We'll get all the tags in. Yeah. And you are doing some Irish tour dates as well. Yeah, yeah. I'm just at the end of this month in April,

I'm doing my Edinburgh show from last year, which is called Krakatoa. Now, this isn't just normal stand-up, right? There's an era of stand-up in it, but it's my Edinburgh show from last year.

I've got an interactive volcano. Right? Right? I've got an interactive volcano on stage. And at any point during the show, and I dress up as Magnum P.I.,

so I'm in a Hawaiian shirt and a tiny pair of Daisy Duke cut-off denim shorts. There's a projection, a rolling projection of a spewing volcano behind me, smoke machines. And if any point, for whatever reason during the show, any reason, anybody in the room shouts, Krakatoa, the volcano explodes.

And the smoke machines go off. How many Edinburgh's have you done, Andrew? Because that rings like a man who's done too many. He's like, this smoke and word stuff really needs a volcano. Yeah, 30 years.

30 years. Have you done an Edinburgh show every year? Yeah, yeah. Hang on, so, I started when I was 20 and I'm 49 now and then there was obviously,

there was the pandemic. So, 27, 28. Holy shit. So that's more than two years of my entire lived life at the Fringe. Yeah. Which anybody who's ever been to the Fringe

will know how fucking insane that is. So you've lived in Edinburgh for two years of your, two of the most mental. Yeah. Wow. Two years of Saturday nights. Is that just, you get to the end of the Fringe and you're years of Saturday night is that just

you get to the end of the fringe and you're like cool I'll just be there the next year because I love the fringe and I've done five or six but there's

after a few of them I was like god I don't want to do that again for a few years I'm taking a year off this year I'm going back this year are you

I'm taking your spot yeah you have can he borrow your volcano yeah I'm going to just try and run my tour shall we

I'm not going up to like do the fringe I'm going to just try and run my tour show in. I'm not going up to do the Fringe. I just want to do 20 shows. What's the place for it? Where are you going to go? What are you doing? I'm doing Monkey Barrel 3 at 9.55. That's an awesome little room.

Yeah. Those Monkey Barrel spots are fantastic. What's your pick of the day? If you've done 28, 29 Fringes. What hour slot? Which is because I've done tea time that I enjoyed but then I did a nine o'clock that had so much more life to it

yeah I think the prime time really is eight so either starting at eight eight thirty nine

nine thirty you're late after that it gets a bit it can get a bit sketchy you can just get lunatics in which is what happened oh fuck so last year one night during Krakatawa I was doing some stuff It's a bit too busy. It can get a bit sketchy. You can just get lunatics in, which is what happened. Oh, fuck.

So last year, one night during Cracker Tower, I was doing some stuff about Scottish politics, which is fucking really stupid. Like, it's unbelievably, it's just a fucking goldmine of stupidity.

And I was saying the piss at Scottish politics and obviously needless to say, one Scottish dude got really offended, stood up and went, I paid my money. This is outrageous.

Da-da-da, right? And he's really, really angry. And I'm like, well, you don't have to stay angry. one Scottish dude got really offended stood up went I paid my money this is outrageous da da da right and he's really really angry and I'm like well you don't have to stay he went I paid my money I'm staying right

like anybody in city right somebody just went Krakatoa he then goes shut up shut up

somebody else went Krakatoa he then fucking issued the immortal words you're all being silly And a comedy gig Krakatoa Krakatoa

He fucking Was that the record Krakatoa's for the run Was that the night Where you hit like Yeah The most You never know

Each night like Depends Sometimes it's through the show One night they didn't do it at all Until the end I went Well you didn't even Set the volcano off once and I'm literally

micing the stand about to fuck off and somebody went crack a sour and then they wouldn't shut the fuck up you know that doesn't surprise me

about a fringe audience I know that's a thing but let's just listen to them I'm sure that's what they're gonna say I'm sure he wants to draw us in but no

let's sit back I'd rather just watch this because we're the Wednesday crowd Bradley's got a question about stand up he said proud patron here best in the game

by the way boys nostalgic comedy question when you were getting started in comedy who was the person you looked up to the most that you were gigging with not like famous

TV comedians the guys you had actually met oh well this is fucking gay inn isn't it? Because it's you. What? It was you.

Oh, you little sweetie. And it was him for me as well. Was it? Yeah, it was 10-year-old Adam Rowe. Oh, that's nice. That is nice.

Was it really? Oh, you little... Yeah, you've got to remember, when I started in 2010, and you were just the guy in the Northwest, you hosted all the new acts, all the new acts got to know you, but then you were hosting and headlining

every club of the weekend. And then the cunt caught me up. And now it's fine. And now I rely on him so much. So much of my future relies on him. We're moving to Austin. Oh my God. Laura, I've got some him. We're moving to Austin. Oh my God. Laura, I've got some news.

We're buying a gun. Who is the guy that you... Well, I think Patrice O'Neill. Because I was on the circle with Patrice. We were just doing junglers gigs together. It's so funny. That's when Matt Good did junglers. How long was he over here for?

He did a long time? He did a long time He did a long time just on the circuit Just doing the jungle In fact his ex-girlfriend was from here He had a Scouse Mrs Years and years ago Scouse chick I hope it was me mum

I don't think it was your mum Could be though maybe When I was starting out, it was the guys that, because I was the sound tech at the Hyena and met a lot of really like tired Jonglers comics who made me go, I don't think this is going to be loads of fun.

Then when Jim Jefferies was on the other week, guys went like, when Phil Nicol turned up or Glenn Wall turned up or Jim Jefferies turned up, I was like oh this is gonna be so i remember meeting jj whitehead for the first time who was literally i was like 21 at the time and he was 23 24 and like this is fucking doable yeah but it was guys

like i'm i think i gigged with you in leeds and uh yeah like i've told this story on the pod before, but you're the reason I don't have the phobia, not phobia, what's the, you know, getting paid before a gig. Right. The superstition. Yeah, yeah. About getting paid before a gig. I gigged with you at the Hi-Fi

and Toby Jones was like, look, I'm not there. Can you sort the money out? You were closing, I was comparing and it was 150, 200 quid or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, the opening act, I was like, I've got your money uh so i was like the opening act i was like i've got your money and they were like i can't get paid because it's bad luck isn't it to get paid before the gig so i was like all right cool then i won't i won't offer it i was like i'm gonna offer it to

maxwell just in case i went andrew do you want the money before the game you went give me the fucking money i thought i could eat my dinner on stage and you went you went i'll have it in my fucking pocket and every time i get a laugh i'll move 120 pounds from this pocket to this pocket and genuinely it made having guys to look up to when you're starting out teaches you what you're gonna be like as a comic if you have if you look up to the wrong guys you're gonna be a fucking douchebag and if you look up to the right guys you go i'm just gonna be sound like that cunt i want to be that let's just enjoy it as well you know i mean i always think like the hard part of the job is the road yeah is you're away from your loved ones eating badly sleeping badly fucking hotels all that shit traffic jams

delayed flights oh that's the job so when you actually get onto the stage you might as well enjoy yourself yeah you know what I mean I can't promise you I'm going to be able

to enjoy myself tonight in Newcastle like I love it up there the audience are going to be great but I need to go to bed and then I'm going to let me but you are going to get

to time travel from here to South Shield aren't you you are going to close your eyes in Liverpool and open them up on Tyneside you're going to be in a little box't you? You are going to close your eyes in Liverpool and open them up on Tyneside. You're going to be in a little box

and two peasants are going to carry you. Like a medieval prince. Adam is here! Let's do some have a words. That's why we named the podcast. Ross Kerr says, Wag Wag Lids, Can you have a word With all the women Wearing coats down

To their fucking ankles Looking like Arsene Wenger I'm so happy it's spring So they won't be wearing them Much longer I don't know This is a very specific whinge He wants to be a pervert

Doesn't he No I have seen the coats He's talking about I like them They're like puffer coats Yeah That go down to the...

Yeah, they're quite cool. They almost look like, and this is bad, is it the... What? Is it the burqa? They look like a sort of like... Burqa adjacent. Yeah, like an Arctic burqa.

Arctic burqa. That's a different band name. Yeah, like... Like if North Face made burqas. Yes. All the way down. Yeah. As I'm saying it, I realise what I've said, but I know what I mean.

You're very close, but you still haven't offended anyone. You're there. Onside. Onside. In Greenland. You can feel your breath on the glass of insult. And I think they look kind of cool and also like

you know there's nothing wrong with a bit of mystery now is there walks underneath the puffer absolutely and I say all the time

Andrew I'm a big champion for women don't have to make any effort so I prefer a woman looking really casual

like I don't like earrings they knock me sick what I don't like earrings. They knock me sick. What? You don't like earrings? No, earrings tear me off. I don't know why. Any type?

Are you talking about the big, were you raised amongst the big loopy ones? I was raised amongst them, yeah. But no, don't like any of them. And also lingerie, fucking keep that in the cupboard, put a T-shirt on and not underneath the T-shirt,

that's well better. Makeup, makeup, you're a fucking dream, aren't you? So you're into the Winnie the Pooh look? Yeah. fucking keep that in the cupboard put a t-shirt on and knot it underneath the t-shirt that's well better make up you're a fucking dream so you're into the Winnie the Pooh look yeah nice yeah

I'd Winnie the Pooh if you know what I mean yeah I think I do yeah I think so yeah I don't really get your fucking

nightie on girl I do yeah lingerie the old sozzies and the stockings and that I like fancy dress or casual. I'm nothing in between.

It's the opposite end of the spectrum. I want either a French maid or like a Liverpool top. Liverpool top. Make all the efforts or wear not on a top. A 40 top. A 40 top. What about? 90s 40 top.

Oh, don't. I fucked a girl in a 90s Leeds top once and it was great. Did you have your bowler on the back? Who waseds top once and it was great. Did she have your bow on the back? Who was it? I think it was Viduca. Nice. Did she pull it over her head like she scored? It was Mark Viduca.

That's a yellow card, little lady. It was great. 40 tops, but yeah, and then fancy dress. What sort of fancy dress are we talking about here? Like genuinely anything. Anything. What, a gorilla costume? No, that's the, you have family line.

A horse costume is bigger. Quite quickly. But like, you know, maid, cowgirl. Cowgirl, maid. All that. Which is allowed. Sexy devil. Yeah.

Oh, sexy devil. Sexy devil. Halloween's a fucking horny nightmare for me. NCP car park attendant. made all that sexy devil yeah sexy devil Halloween's a fucking horny nightmare for me NCP car park attendant oh what about Asda staff member

ooh like if she was first as well then I could get on board you mean like and she's in the tabard because she works she's at the deli counter

yeah there's been a spill on Alfa. You can make me a fucking buddy. Get to Askel. He has really been taken by this medication. No, this is it. This is it, everybody. I'll tell you what.

The chick who works in the booth, the tunnel. The Mersey Tunnel? Yeah. They're all automated now. Yeah. No, no. Oh, no, there's one.

There's always one manned. There's one manned. Usually by a sexy lady. Someone else chipping pinners. The thing is, though, I don't want to fuck the one who actually does it, but an attractive woman in that outfit, absolutely. How would the role play go?

you're in the fast tag lane and you need to slow down and come to the manned or the womanned awful there's no role play there yeah exactly you're a leading alpha male, global trotting alpha male and I am man the Birkenhead tunnel

manned booth oh that sounds good actually. See? And go. You're there with an erection. When we got the bus back, when me and Carl were left on it, when we went to go through the tunnel,

because it was a minibus, he went into the camper van section. Right. And there was a fella he's like oh he spotted me here so as we went up he'd like switched the machine off so we had to do it uh manually he was like how many seats you got there he's like oh just a few camper van ah it seems like you got a lot yeah we like to travel in style and he's like looks like a campfire he's like ah well he's like yeah two quids are paid so maybe that could be yeah yeah the guy that drove us to him from london night really nice guy

but as we left the services in rugby he was like fucking hell lads you've not nicked nothing you've not even tried to steal anything we were there when we went down to the cup final they nicked a whole fucking Krispy Kreme donut stand. The whole fucking thing. He was like, he was like really disappointing with us.

Yeah. Where's the shit? What has happened to the fucking users today? Tell you what, the greatest services in this country. T-Bay.

I think, can I just say, not to, I think it's a services hack. I honestly do. I think it, I think people have been saying T-Bay for too long. The Gloucester.

Gloucester M5. Is it the same though? No, it's nicer. What's the one where we went for a Nando's? Skelling Lake. Oh, it's the best one. Is that the Leeds one? They've got a fucking Nando's, a KFC, a Starbucks.

They've got fucking everything. T-Bay and Gloucester are run by the same people and it's exactly the same place. Listen, if you like your fudge, if you like your fudge, your farm, your farm fudge. I'll give fucking everything. T-Bay and Gloucester are run by the same people and it's exactly the same place. Listen, if you like your fudge, if you like your fudge, your farm, your farm fudge, I'll give you that. T-Bay's all right.

I like a Nando's. I like Nando's starters with a Zingertown burger. Because you're a fucking child and you're just like, I like that one food, so I'm just going to eat it forever. You need to expand your horizons, Daniel. What, and eat fudge?

No, pies. They've got a lovely lamb pie the lamb one's great they do a chicken and mushroom one oh they're really good you ever eaten a pie Dan yeah the amount of times

I'm having a Zingertau burger and Nando starters thinking oh I wish I had a lamb pie fuck off the lamb pie a pie at a music festival gets you through

the third day is that true yeah it does i don't think you've been taking enough drugs at these festivals because when i've been to festivals on day three i'm just trying not to have a heart attack i'm not thinking i need a lampy lampy or xanax lampy or xanax lampy um one more and then we will close this bad boy out. By the way, I love sneak because sneak has been looking at me and this can of sneak for the last

15 minutes going, remember to do the sneak plug. I love sneak. If you're at day three of a festival and you can't find lampi, sneak. Sneak. It's like cocaine for your throat. Is that one of their taglines? Yeah, I think so. Also, let's not forget, I'm throat. Is that one of their taglines? Yeah, I think so. I think it might be a new one.

Also, let's not forget, I'm going to drink that can of sneak because I have to drive 300 miles now. Where are you going? I'm going to the end of England in Kent on a can of sneak. What a lovely drive on a Thursday afternoon. Five hours. Please download Andrew's podcast

because that's the reason he's here. He's the no-cunt wants to drive to Kent. Where are you digging in Kent? I live there. Oh, you live in Kent? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you picked the wrong end of the fucking home counties. It's a long, long, long, it's a long, long way. But I live on a beach and I can see

France. Shut up. I do. Oh, it does sound better now. Yeah. Alright. Have a can of sneak. I'm going to have a can of sneak. Can I have that can of sneak? Yeah, it's really good. I'll open that in five hours. Just as you get home.

Go on, Steve, do it. The sneak link is in the description. Yeah, it's in the description. Oh, it's raspberry lemonade. I really like it. Yeah, that was nice. And then you can also... Oh, Dan shoves these up his ass.

And then you can snort these as well. What's that? But I prefer lampai. That's like protein powder, but it's energy drink instead. It's a still version. It's a still version. You mix it with water. That's my preference.

Uh-huh. One more. One more. Because Adam's gotta go can you have a word with blokes who give themselves

nicknames I think it is acceptable when you're 15 and not when you're 45 year old father of two worse when their nickname has nothing to do

with your actual name to give you some idea of what I mean there is a guy here in Australia whose name is Freddy and his nickname is Tiger

and everyone knows him as Tiger and it's also a nickname he's given to him for himself i do believe this is an australian thing tiger is also a serial womanizer who prides himself on sleeping with other men's women i think jay you just hate this cunt and aren't bothered about the nickname thing much love jay ps perthth, Western Australia is far better than Nashville. Well, I don't know because I will never go that far again. Giving yourself nicknames? You can't give yourself a nickname.

You've spent time in Australia. Is this a thing? I sort of have, actually. I'm Rowey Bags and I did that accidentally. But I gave myself that name, didn't I? You auto-nicknamed yourself. Yeah, I didn't really mean to do it. How do you know that was a thing that could happen?

I didn't think it was going to catch on but it has and now it's yeah but we've done three and a half hours of podcasting for three years and we're allowed to say any words right

if I saw him introduce if he went up to someone who didn't know him and go yeah row your bags like we that wouldn't we

it's a yellow card like on the podcast you can say you can say Arctic Berker and it's part of your income you go out there and say that to real people in real life that's not allowed they live different lives out there they do don't they with rules um does finn count he's he's got

his music name which is finley k no it's not a nickname though is it yeah but it's a stage that is my name I know no one calls me Finley but it is my name yeah but it just no it isn't I know I know it isn't it's a stage name that's a stage name

that's allowed yeah I think stage names are alright I wish I'd given myself the stage name Vinny Vinny yeah because that was my

first name for a week we've said this before but it's the name of his penis as well. Your cock is called Vinny. That's little Vinny. Is it L-I-L or little? He's got a sitcom treatment.

L-I-L or little? It's Vinny. Like Lil Wayne, Bob Vinny. It's L-I-L. It's Lil. Raps to him. I don't know whether Giving yourself a nickname

Is particularly Australian No But they're good swearers Yeah There's a lot of Yeah you diddy cunt Oh really Oh look

Oh look Oh look mate You're a red bag cunt A woman Messaged me Or a dead set cunt That's a great one A dead set cunt

Because they use cunt so much Yeah yeah So you're only You're only actually calling somebody a cunt If you a dead set cunt that's a great one a dead set cunt because they use cunt so much yeah yeah so you're only you're only actually calling somebody a cunt if you add dead set beforehand oh cunts just oh this cunt

this cunt yeah yeah this cunt I got a message yesterday off an Australian woman and she swore at me in the second message so she messaged me

and said please come to Australia on tour and I was like I am doing they'll be announced soon. And she replied to that was fuck right off. You cunt.

I already find her attractive. They're great people. At least she didn't call you a dead set cunt. Then you know, then you know. Ah, look, you dead set cunt.

look, my, he's a, he's a dirty cunt. No, you can't give yourself, we'll rule on that. You can't give yourself nicknames.

On a podcast, you can. Has he given himself a tiger cat. No, you can't give yourself... We'll rule on that. You can't give yourself nicknames. On a podcast, you can. But has he given himself a tiger nickname? This cunt is called Freddy, which already makes me not like him. My mate's one of my best mates in Sydney. His best mate is called Uncle Cunt. His real name's Dave, but everybody in the suburb of...

It's called Cudgie. It's the next suburb on from Bondi and he's like he's like the legend of of Cudge and he's Uncle Cunt

everybody knows Uncle Cunt now are you allowed to call him Uncle Cunt as a child like are they are these I'd imagine it happened

after puberty no but I mean Australian kids can't be like that's Uncle no oh my god He ain't got it

as an adult surely No I know but how do the kids refer to him? Are they allowed to call him uncle cunt? Yeah in Australia Oh it's fine

Like cunt's like fucking day one of year two innit? That's how you join the secondary school system Come on in

you dirty cunts Year three It's a genuine time of affection over there there's no offence to it That's how you join the secondary school system. Come on in, you dirty cunts. Year three. It's a genuine type of affection over there. There's no offence to it at all. But the other thing about Australia, it's not what you're saying, it seems. Australia's actually really prudish.

Really? Yeah. All our opinions of Australians are based on Australians abroad. Right. The ones who left. Yes. Fucking right, if I get a couple of

iron beers, then I'll be a man dead in a row of tables, right? Or the ones that have had a stroke. You know.

Had a stroke abroad. But then, when you actually get to Australia, there's an awful lot of, oh no, you better be parking in the right

parking spot. There's no swearing in the bowls club. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Australia's way more conservative than people think. And Perth is particularly dull. Is it?

Fuck you, Jay. Although you're right, but fuck you. You can't give yourself nicknames. Agreed? No. Agreed. We need to get this man on the road, this man on the road. I'm so glad I'm not driving anywhere as far as you are driving.

I'm calling myself Billy Bongos from now on. Billy Bongos? You're going to do some bingo? I'm going to do that. Billy anywhere as far as you are driving. I'm calling myself Billy Bongos from now on. Billy Bongos? You're going to do some bingo? I'm going to do that after every joke. Billy's bingo? All right, cool. Billy Bongo or Billy Bingo? Billy Bongos.

Billy Bongos, plural? Yeah, yeah. Like a Portuguese surname? I've got two bongos. You own bongos? Yeah. I suppose you can't have one bongo, can you? Isn't that weird, isn't it?

You've got to have two. They only come in twos, don't they? It's a sad solo bongo, can you? Is that weird, is it? You've got to have two. They only come in twos, don't they? It's a sad solo bongo, isn't it? I last had my bongo. Right, this has gone ridiculous. Enjoy your sneak. I will. All the way home.

Thank you. I'm on tour. Dan's on tour. The podcast's on tour. Tickets for all of them at haveawayedlive.com. I've got some previews booked in. Going to Stoke or Newcastle

under Lyme got a couple at phase one we've got one Grappenhorn near Warrington one in Longridge some of them

have already sold out but Dan's previews dot com and then the tour is Dan Nightingale dot com buy some tickets motherfuckers

and if you do live in Ireland and you want to come and see us do the podcast live have a word live dot com am I right

come and see us at Vicar Street we're also doing newcastle glasgow and birmingham london the other week was a fucking riot andrew maxwell thank you so much for coming man thanks lads um just sleep in the back of a punto quick song oh it's everyone's favorite bit of the podcast yeah is this the one i said yeah which one oh okay cool we'll work that out afterwards i've been working on some go on that was last that was last time you and i've got to go okay sorry sorry but um this is kate and nolan who we've had on before

this is called there are no futures here we're running uh low on songs so finley at have a word network it's good we got him back because people haven't shut up about us they're like oh get him back yeah yeah also my gig at Jimmy's in June is on sale now and I'm introducing him 24th of June yes Jimmy's Liverpool

alright we're gonna go bye Matthew you'd be happy as a puppy with an early shiny face I'm babe would I be happy as a puppy with an electronic face, I'm babe Would I be happy without, would I be happy with you? I said, you'd be happy as a puppy with an electronic face, I'm babe

Would I be happy without, would I be happy with you? Would I be happy without, would I be happy with you? But I don't take no turns Cause there's no futures here You can look, you can see After all, life is dead There are no futures here Settle down, see the fear Feel the curse curse play the game we are all to blame

you'd be happy as a puppy with an electronic face on babe would i be happy without would i be happy with you I'll see you next time. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't take no tears Cause there's no futures here You can look, you can see

After all, life is dear There are no futures here Settle down, see the fear Feel the curse, play the game See you next time. you