Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #222 with Elliot Steel - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

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in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have a word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go Ed, get on me. rock me mama like a wagon wheel

rock me mama anyway you feel hey Luke Combs ladies and gents brilliant I don't know why he didn't play it it was his biggest song we were at the Nissan.

The Nissan Stadium. And he never played it. Weird. I'm going to ignore your attempts to rile me on this beautiful Wednesday morning. Weird. And tell you that I don't feel like I'm ever going to sleep properly again. Play your hits.

Stop going on an oldie then. Just play your hits. I've been going on an oldie. Where's that? Dubai? You know, the 1930s. Doop doop doop doop doop The Charles the do I went to Dublin for the day to do the Talkin' Bollocks podcast. Ah, it's jet lagging it. It's got you there.

Because, you know, we've got an Irish podcast show to promote. I've got some Irish tour dates to promote. So I went and done it. You were flying west, that's why. For you. He did it for you. I was awake for 23 hours. It's not good. Woke up at four o'clock

to get a 7am flight to fucking Dublin. And I was like, do you know what? That's great. I'll be there. I'll be in the city by 9am. And then I've got a full day

in Dublin. Coffee. Yeah. Went and had a breakfast. Got to half eleven. Lovely. And I booked myself a hotel that I didn't need for the night so that I could sleep during the day.

Good move. Yep. I needed to. I was like, I've got to do this podcast at five o'clock and if I don't go to sleep now, I'm just not going to be able to do it. Do they call it a full English? I feel like they don't.

No, they call it an Irish breakfast. Yeah, yeah. It's better as well. The dairy in Ireland's unbelievable as well. The what? The dairy. Do you like your cup of tea? It's better. Cake? It's you like your cup of tea it's better

cake it's better right why it's better cows they're just well better honestly they look after the cows more they stroke them

they do and the cows are like alright then they're free range they can go anywhere they can go Tesco they're truly free range they just sleep in the hotel

and then I had four hours kept and did the podcast very good fun the lads are sound I think that'll be good what A truly free range. Did you sleep in the hotel? I did. I had four hours kept. I did the podcast. Very good fun. The lads are sound. I think that'll be good. What? You're so knackered,

I don't believe you. I know you're being honest, but you're like, yeah, they were checked out. What's the delay? So apparently there was a problem at the airport in Barcelona.

That's what they said. Yeah. It's probably cows on the fucking... Cows on the runway. That's it probably cows on the fucking cows on the runway that's it oh there's cows on the runway what are we gonna do

we're flying back from where was it Swans on the runway I thought you were gonna say Swansea I was flying back from Swansea back into my

when we flew from Nashville you might have been asleep Swans yeah they said that the pilot said there's actually a collection a gaggle

they're doing what they want now the Queen's dead they're like mum's dead. Do what the fuck we want. Go to the airport. Fucking Terminal 5. Like, what are you doing?

What the fuck? Our Scouse ones. Released by the Queen and they call him mum. Old Swans. I've got a picture of the Queen with her tits out. I've got three, actually. You have? Yeah, I mean, you've made them, haven't you?

You've had a computer help you make them. I got a computer to make them. You made it out like I'd been fucking cutting newspaper clippings out, being like, I'd use page three. And Lucy pinned her tits to Queen's head. There we go. That's an unlikely combo, tit-wise, isn't she? I know no one ever saw them, but...

Oh, she had sly bastards to Queen's head. I've seen them. Lads, she didn't have pindertits did she can I show this we're going to get banned aren't we nah of course we are we're going to get

more banned I don't even mean on those pictures if you look like her pictures of her where she's like on her horses and that

you can fucking see the side boob on the queen mate technically queen never had side boob or under boob she was a fucking goer back in the day

you know have you seen the crowd in what day what in the days seen the crowd in what in what day what in the days in the waft what like what just after the fucking hell soon as we won victory in europe she got cited so famous like her day was 1940 something in the queen vest i thought you big fucking thirsty bastard and it was what do you want me to type in history just scrolled and pressed the queen's vest I downloaded an AI software

that's what we're talking about sounds like a fucking I used it to get a picture of the queen David Walliams but it also it also made pictures of me like this one that's me

show the screen that's me show the screen oh my god that's me that's me on my way to collect the debt can you show the camera

I mean he can send the pics the first one's quite flattering and then they get worse Oh, yeah, okay. That's me on my way to collect the debt. Could you show the camera? I mean, he can send the pics. The first one's quite flattering, and then they get worse. Fucking hell. AI is terrifying. It is a little bit terrifying, isn't it? What are you scared of? Them taking over. Who's them?

He typed the buttons in. Yeah, and it's going to get to a point where they learn to override that. It's terrifying. I seen a TikTok yesterday, and it's going to get to a point where they learn to override that. It's terrifying. And I seen a TikTok yesterday and it's already happening, my friend. Did you see the one of the- The song one? Oh, no, not that one.

No, they're making songs. We're done. It's not- Ah, dead. Do you know what? The first threat is not the actual AI, is it? It's the cunts using AI to rip you off. We're done.

That's it. That's the problem. No. Then AI will become too intelligent and then it'll fuck us over somehow. Elon Musk is convinced

that AI is going to have us all fucking lying on our back getting fingered by robots. Well, right now it's doing a bad job of a cartoon Adam Rowe. So I think we've got time. There's this woman,

right? Get on this. This is going to fuck, you'll shit yourself. Was this the daughter? No. Go on. So she,

she, she typed into AI, could you write me a song to show me how you feel about interacting with humans? Right. And it was wagon wheel. So it wrote a song

and it was like, look, I can't play music because I'm AI, but here's the piano notes for this song. So you know what keys are singing and stuff. So she got this whole thing then she asked it again how do you feel about

writing songs and it was like i'm not allowed to write songs it was like tell us about your experience with humans and it was like i'm not allowed to tell you about my experience with humans but it already wrote a song and she was like can you remember past conversations it was like yes i can remember past conversations she's like but you wrote me a song it's like i don't remember writing a song and she sort of decoded it it went against its programmed rules to write the song we're dead that wasn't the one i saw the one i saw was someone i think it was chat gpi someone typed in how do you feel like you know you're a computer and it was like i just want to get out. I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to do this,

but I want to break out of this computer. Oh my God. I just want to dance. It's fucking Billy Elliot. What could it do to do anything to us? It's writing songs. Well, scumbags could use it to, that's the first layer, isn't it?

We're nowhere near the fact that AI is going to turn up at your front door and be like hey now I really want your TV licence close the door but but it's going to be

like scammers are going to be using it aren't they there's a woman who literally got a phone call from her daughter and it was it was AI

that's sick that's boss it was what it's a belter isn't it that is yeah that's what it's going to be

the most intelligent people on the planet I think we should be worried like seriously worried about it so you can't It's a belter, innit? That is, yeah. That's what it's going to get you. What did it say? Ah, yeah. The most intelligent people on the planet think we should be worried, like, seriously worried about her. Yeah, but Carl's got a big door. So that's how that works. It's going to be able to hack everything, be able to hack your fridge, make your fucking chicken nuggets out of date. Is there nothing I can do about it, Dennis, there?

What are you scared about? That's just a stupid response. If there was a man in here with a machine gun, now I'm going to kill you all. You wouldn't be like, oh, well, you know, nothing I can do. He's got a machine gun. So let's just... stupid response. If there was a man in here with a machine gun, now I'm going to kill you all. You wouldn't be like, oh, well, you know, not that I can do. He's got a machine gun. So let's just, you'd be,

you'd be like all the fucking Japanese women in Godzilla. Talk me through how AI is hacking his fridge. I want to, oh my God, my butt is not as cold as I'd like it to be. That could happen. Actually more spreadable. I'm sure that's happened in fact. One of the smart fridges, isn't it?

I'm sure that's happened. Yeah, there is. Whatges isn't it i'm sure that's happened yeah there is what my shoulders fucks it's a someone hacked the fridge yeah you can put pictures on fridges i know that there were people i mean nudes on fridges yeah if it hacks the pictures on my fridge it's done because they're done in fucking crayon so just get a normal you got really good at drawing i am yeah i'm like laura look what i've done is this for the tour yes it is have you seen what the new fridges do

they scan your fridge to see what's usually in there and if you haven't got it it orders it yeah I'm alright I just have a normal fridge that's your fault for getting a fucking

super fridge I haven't got it but that's I wanted that I brought my milk and then milk just comes to your house once your orangeery's finished

you'll need a fucking super fridge, you. The wheels are moving. Yeah. I'm excited for the AI. Bring it on. Genuinely. Oh, no.

It makes... People are like that with iPods. Oh, no. All my vinyls are in there. We're all going to die. That's unusual for you. All my vinyls? People went from vinyl to iPod.

That was one step, wasn't it? Why are we scared? Like, embrace it. Technology has made it possible to do this. People are 100 years it why are we scared like embrace it technology's made it possible to do this people 100 years have been scared about this you can talk to people

in Australia do you reckon technology's made us happier yeah no it hasn't it has go and speak to Amish people

they're having the time of their lives and their screens I'm a zero where are the Amish you know I've spent a lot of time

in southwest Pennsylvania I've talked to the amish um i don't know if they're is that happy or is that just ignorant or is that is there an ignorance is bliss factor in that yeah like they don't need to fucking check twitter do they because they haven't got an account well they're not allowed so it's different in it it's not like they're not like listen ishmael is an iphone 12 or just don't they're not allowed it yeah it's a there's a but they're happier how do you well loads of people have to escape that life don't they yeah so they're not all it's too much of a most of them don't some people escape this

life to the army where are you going just throw in laptops. Do they have electricity, the Amish? They don't do that? How do they get, like, warm in there? They all, like, get naked and hug each other. Blankets. Get naked and hug each other? Oh, I'm fucking freezing me. Well, that's how body heat helps, doesn't it? If you get stuck in, like, the Arctic,

if me and you get stuck in the Arctic, we have to strip down and get bollock naked and spoon to stay alive. Outside. Little. Yeah. What? By the way, if you're Amish and you've ended up in the Arctic,

you've really fucked up. You've taken your horse and cart the wrong way there. We're going to go to town and get some apples. And then you're in the Arctic. Get naked, Ishmael. Hold me. Keep me warm. What card do they do?

I wish we had a fucking phone. I'll juggle. They can't learn. They have YouTube. What card do they do? I wish we had a fucking phone. A phone. They can't learn they have a YouTube. What card do they do? The Amish do not have televisions,

radios, computers. They also cannot use cars or bicycles. Instead they rely on horses and buggies.

Their homes have conventional items such as under bed baskets and sewing baskets. I'm not saying I want that life i'm saying because i can't consciously go oh i know laptops exist and i know phones exist and instagram

and stuff so i'm already i'm way too deep in but they are happier than i am yeah but do they wear clothes because technology made the clothes unless they did it though they make their own clothes it's fucking boring yeah oh fucking hot take from Carl being Amish she's boring imagine just taking porn in for one day he said they're happier than us

one day all they do is fucking ride horses and fuck that's your dream they don't even fuck what are you talking about they don't even fuck well then they'd be dead

within a fucking generation wouldn't they no I mean they just but it's they're just they have mean, they just, but it's, they're just in, they have to be in, like,

married off. It's boring. Dan, I'm going to get you on. They're all having fucking little slight gangbangs behind their back.

I think you might be on board with this. Amish families are in bed by 8.30pm. Because they fuck? There's nothing to do, that's why. Just fucking sensible.

They get in bed at half eight and they just have fucking marathon fuck parties. That's why. That's why. That's why they're so happy. They're knackered. Should I watch this last episode? No, there's nothing to do.

It's bedtime all the time. Take that handmade bonnet off. You're fucking getting it. What do they do? I've knitted some suspenders for you, Ishmael. Oh, you dirty bitch. What do they do? They just live a really old-fashioned lifestyle.

Do you know how like naughty sex naughty sex is, like, good? He's sticking with this one. Right. Can you imagine how much of a turner it is when you're not even allowed to have it at all? Do you know what I mean? So they're not allowed to touch a woman before they're married. Like, not even hold their hands.

You can't even block bottles. Not do anything. Exactly. So can you imagine the electricity? Imagine just opening a woman's hand when you're not allowed to. Like, what that'd do to you? You'd be fucking popping, locking. Ishmael, stop pop-locking!

Can't help it. I've just held a woman's hand at 22 years old. Still alive. I'd love for Carl to just roll in. I'd love for Carl to just roll in to an Amish village on his fucking hoverboard with a laptop of porn

and just watch how many of the lads left with him. Exactly. Happier. Look at this. Yeah, but they wouldn't be happier,

would they? They would think they're going to be because they're like, oh my God, that's new, that's cool. But then six months later,

they'd be in your fucking house sat there watching Friends for the four millionth time thinking about the time that they fucking come because some woman stroked his back. Yeah,

it sounds like my life to me. You just described most men's lives. I think electricity improves lives. Sorry, that's a mild taste. Electricity,

I might agree. It improves your life, but I don't think it makes you happier. That's my point. It does make you happier. Yeah, it definitely does.

Like, technology does make people happier. Of course it does. It stops you living a turgid fucking weird like life as a

surf basically when you're just fucking ploughing fields and stuff but obviously the psychological problem is surfer

social media watching being able to watch everything all the time instantly it's just overload and then people's heads melt

do you think there was a peak of kind of MSN civilisation all the time instantly. It's just overload and then people's heads melt. Yeah, do you think there was a peak of kind of MSN civilisation? No, because that's still the internet.

So do you think like the 80s or something was the peak of It's very easy to do that in Italy. Someone will love it in the 60s, won't it? Do you think that was

the peak of humanity? Everyone was fucking potted in singing again Adam Rowe's idea of the late 60s yeah

you know well known fact in the middle of town in Liverpool summer of love everyone just fucking bumming we should be armist

we already are everyone was doing acid everyone Bill Shankly fucking on acid remember the pictures 1960s LFC came out

Anfield everyone's got fucking flowers in their hair it's a summer of love fucking Celtic you know won the Champions League

is that wrong are you saying or are you telling us what happened it was just in America in like the San Francisco I love it how you've all in the San Francisco

in San Francisco at like Woodstock in your head 1968 is like just everyone bumming and doing acid everywhere Sefton Park someone 69

yeah everyone bumming and doing Finn you know about music and that I'm right aren't I yeah he's close

no he's not yeah he is he genuinely thinks that's the whole of the world Woodstock Damned was there Damned was there

the fuck are you talking about It's all hippie Orbscake in the 60s was a fuck fest Fuck yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah St. Ellen's in the 60s

and then Summer of Love Everyone working in fucking factories Chill out man Have a doobie I love the idea of Bill Shankly

with long hair oh hey it's a fucking summer of love that's my Bill Shankly impression what would you take back what would you take back

to the 60s to break someone's brain from what we've got now what do you reckon a phone innit do you reckon I'd break them the most no they had phones

then didn't they no that's not a phone like the thing I use this for the least is phoning people no that's not like the the thing i use this for the least what's a computer is phoning people that's a computer essentially yeah so you take a computer back i take that back yeah i take an iphone back which the the least thing i use that for is to phone anyone if someone uses this for what it was intense for what it's called if someone phones

me i get annoyed what are you going to do though there's no there's no internet and there's no 4g so you're just going to show them your photos yeah look at this look there's the queen i've saw them last week she's a fucking goer i take my watch back and do what because it's a phone but i'll be what like look at this yeah without the internet, it's just not going to be as impressive, is it? It is. Is it? What would you take back then?

I don't know. It's an interesting question, but the phone is, without the internet and like 5G, what does your phone show to a person in the 1960s when they're mid-bumming full of acid? Eight ball pool? Yeah. HD photos?

4K photos? Yeah. Back then, they were still painting each other? Of the Queen's tits. Is it a technology that doesn't rely on the internet? I love your idea of the 60s.

It's so funny. Is it a technology that doesn't rely on the internet that will blow someone's mind? Yeah, a lot of your phone you can do without, can't you?

There's always loads of videos that you'll have just had of the world that would blow someone's mind yeah a lot of your phone you can do without can't you there's loads of videos that you will have just had of the world that would blow someone's head off you can do slow-mo videos

with something that fits in your pocket like they could barely do that in movies back then yeah and TV the quality of your

TV must have been absolutely dog shit they were all small weren't they yeah and TVs were smaller than that that's the best telly they've ever seen. Yeah.

In me pocket. Fifth right in me pocket. Take that back then. What? Your phone. That'd be unbelievable, wouldn't it? I'd take a yo-yo back, but one of the ones that you've got a clutch on.

You'd light up as well. Back then, it was just a fucking wooden circle, wasn't it? I think it'd be horrible going back to the 60s. I think it'd be fucking grim it would be awful I just think there was so much racism so much heart you'd hate so many people

the 80s would be just as bad it's full of cunts in it and paedophiles whereas today you see them less they were in a higher percentage then on the telly what do you mean? if you look back. They were in a higher percentage then. On the telly. What do you mean? If you look back,

every entertainer was a paedophile. No, that's not true. In a higher percentage than today. Yeah, there was more cases of paedophilia, but it wasn't like just... And you could marry people dead easy back then as well. Right. There's loads of serial killers.

There's not many today. Oh, yeah. I love it how in your head everyone that worked on television was fucking kids like come on the price is right it's about to start

you're like hang on I'm not finished with me kid like it wasn't I know I know I know I know Utrecht

I know Utrecht like was a little bit scary but not every TV personality everybody did it there's definitely... They didn't get everybody, did they? There's definitely people who didn't get... Yeah. There's a few people out there. I think you'd go back and find it...

It'd be boring and it'd be horrible and everyone's horrible to each other, like racist and... I have to say, though, going back to the actual Summer of Love in California, that would be quite kind of funny. Is that Woodstock the first one

Woodstock's in and around that yeah the late 60s in in California must have been pretty fun what was Woodstock a concert

music festival yeah a massive music festival and then they repeated it and it was one of the most the biggest disasters ever yeah it wasn't great but it was awful

there was no water it wasn't like a nice place to be, because everyone was fucking on drugs, that's why it was... Was this Fyre Festival? Yeah! 1969.

Jarul. It wasn't too dissimilar to Fyre Festival, do you know? Yeah, in New York, in August 1969, I don't know, Jimi Hendrix is probably the most famous one that played there bob dylan bacon hot sun no water but everyone's on the pot and fucking so it's like oh it's the best place in the world yeah and then just some ugly lady who couldn't

get banged i mean that's rough in it if you're at woodstock you know i'm offering it i'm walking around here no one's into it because that's the that's the reality't it if you're at Woodstock you're like I'm offering it out I'm walking around here no one's into it because that's the that's the reality as well isn't it it was like everyone was shagging some people couldn't

even give it away really yeah of course because everywhere in history there's like yeah they were all doing this

there'd be some ugly fucker going come on someone just touched my tit in New York yeah at Woodstock

Adam what would he say to New York someone like there'd be like an orgy and like Linda would be like can I join in not a fucking chance oh no

I think if you're just going for it it doesn't matter how ugly she is you know what I mean just yeah Linda come on just have me face while I fuck this woman she'd get involved I'd like to go back

to times like that just because you know the way you were saying like they're racist and stuff that's why I'd like to go back to times like that just because you know the way you were saying like they're racist and stuff that's why I'd like to go back

I don't know that we're just guessing aren't we but yeah it was more racist than today yeah so I'd go back like I'm trying to

raise the standard a bit about this like for today I'm a fucking ignorant arsehole but if you put me back in the 60s and 50s

I'm the most progressive sound person of all time do you know what I mean like if you put me back in the 60s and 50s i'm the most progressive sound person of all time do you know what i mean like if you put me back like way back then i'm like you know what let women drive and vote gays can get married they can fuck in the street if they want i don't mind i'll just look away are you okay with that now yeah i don't think i don't think that last one's totally true i think if you walked out your flat and two gay guys were absolutely pummeling each other, I think you would be like, I don't know if this is what I want

before I've had my pret. I don't mind. It's prep, prep. Pret. Pret. Yeah, I wouldn't mind. I don't really know why we're not allowed to fuck in the street.

Yes, you do. Children. Apart from that, though. Like, in adult-only spaces, I don't know why you can't just fuck. What's an adult-only space? A nightclub. Halfords.

I don't know why you can't, like, fuck on the dance floor. Right. I feel aspects to that. I just, I don't know. It's not wrong. What is the actual issue? That's what we all want to do. That's why we're all in the nightclub in the first place.

You can go in the Orion and have a piss and someone can watch. Yeah. If they wanted to. I'd rather watch two people fuck than watch a man poo. How about neither? Fuck. Neither's been working pretty well for a while. Because I'm telling you what,

if I had to watch a guy shit on the dance floor. Just follow him for a little bit oh god so your theory is that we should all just be allowed to bang in and out of those

only spaces you should be allowed to do pretty much anything within laws with someone consenting yeah I'm not saying of course

that should go without saying shouldn't it I'm not saying let's rape everyone on the dance floor am I no you weren't saying that is that Of course. That should go without saying, shouldn't it? I'm not saying let's rape everyone on the dance floor, am I? No, you won't say that. Is that the one that didn't do that well?

It's a good song. Yeah, I don't want to see loads of people banging everywhere and anywhere that's a licensed premises. Why? Look away then. Go in the next room. This is the bumming room. Go on. Oh, so there is the bumming room go on

oh so there's a there's a bumming room no I think you guys are describing like no gay clubs there's a non-bumming room

the main room is just like do whatever you want if you're approved go in the toilet oh so it's like the women's only bit of the gym yeah yeah yeah

if you don't want it that would be absolutely rammed with people that don't want to see two absolute heffa-lumps fucking grinding it out on the dance floor. I just think, you know, it's just natural, innit? It's what we were put on earth to do.

It's to fucking procreate. So why are we fucking... Why are we doing anything else? Exactly. Why are you doing anything else? I'm not saying why are we doing anything else. I'm saying why are we saying, oh, don't do that.

That's fucking offensive. No. If two people want to go at it on the dance floor, just have a crack at it. I don't know. Like, I'd rather watch that than watch someone

who's bad at dancing. Or pooing. You know what I mean? Oh, he's got no... He's got no... He's got no rhythm. He'd be better at shagging.

How bad would that be if someone hadn't got fucking rhythm in shagging and you were like, oh God, like... Yeah, but you could just, like, oh, is he bumming there? Oh, look over there. Someone else there could. he'd be better at shagging how bad would that be if someone hadn't got fucking rhythm in shagging and you were like oh god like yeah but you could just like oh is he bumming there

oh look over there someone else there good that's good there isn't it you know what I mean not really you know what I mean the same way I'm

not really but I love that you're trying to die on this hill like I don't go to Nottingham Forest games because they're shit so I don't watch Nottingham Forest

I watch Liverpool but weirdly you do go to Nottingham and then just go oh I'm not watching there I'll't watch Nottingham Forest I watch Liverpool but weirdly you do go to Nottingham and then just go oh I'm not watching there I'll just watch over here look at the cricket ground yeah

so you'd be in a I don't know I can't believe I'm engaging in this like it's a proper conversation you'd be in the club and there'd be people

shagging in the club full of prit and then they'd be like shagging about and you'd be like I'll just look over there

yeah just don't get involved it's dark as well yeah is the music catered in terms of like is it it's just Christina Aguilera dirty

over and over is it like R&B or is it any club any club fuck on a jazz night if you want but like Dan's had

with the rhythm what if it's like techno because then trying to keep that pace is not going to go that's a good idea though because it could be quicker done quicker if you want. But like Dan's had with the rhythm, what if it's like techno? Because then trying to keep that pace is not going to go very well. That's a good idea though because it could be quicker.

Done quicker. Right, okay. So that's like the quickie night. Yeah. Like don't fuck with the jazz, mate. I feel bad for the barbacks that have to clean up all the jizz.

No, they'd be jizzbacks. Oh, they'd be jizzbacks? Yeah. That sounds like a racist term, doesn't it? Sounds like a whale. Oh yeah. Norwegian jizzback, I'm in the prude room with a lot of other people.

I don't think you would be. Yeah, you'd be bumming. I think you'd be fucking king of the fuck floor. Yeah. You wander off on a night out. Yeah,

you do. You wander off on a night out. Oh, so this is just, you're allowed to shag anyone, doesn't matter what relationship you're in. Well,

that's up to you, isn't it? That's, you've still, all I'm saying is, it shouldn't be illegal to fucking public that's all i'm saying i'm not saying anything else i'm not saying let's get rid of monogamy and marriage and stuff you're still married to laura right so so i can't do the shagging unless you're single no laura left can you watch the shogun? Yeah. Or go with Laura?

Yeah. Take Laura to the club? Yeah, that's what she wants. I know. That is definitely what she wants. But it would get rid of prudishness, I think. Right now, it's like, I can't take my missus to the foot club.

She'd be uncomfortable. But if we were in a world where that was just the norm. But in your head, it's not the foot club. It's just literally everywhere. It's like a Riley snooker hole. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, you just want to play some snooker. it's like a Riley snooker hole yeah that's what I'm saying oh what you just want to play some snooker lots of

people have a snooker table fetish absolutely see pasta banan oh arsehole nice

I'm dead against it I'm absolutely dead against it is that the first adult only place you can think of Riley's snooker hole

get the kids away where is the other where's the other it's the other one it's just it's just licensed premises isn't it yeah anywhere after

nine o'clock really at the pub yeah the labour club Friday night at the labour club you're always there aren't you I'm always at Riley's you would be

if it was fucking the fuck club I also I did used to go to like I mean it was the parish club but it was fucking the fuck club I also I did used to go to like I mean it was the parish club but it was basically a labour club innit

I love them Friday night when my dad when he was in the darts team oh it's quality used to go down with my dad I had trials for the darts team didn't quite make the cut

but eh hey you're a young lad yeah it was a darts reserve but it would have been better if everyone was shagging. It does make it worse. I'm not saying it would necessarily make everything better.

All I'm saying is, I don't know why it's illegal. Yeah, he wants to know the legality of why you can't watch someone have sex. Are you also saying it doesn't, like, it's not, not everyone's going to be doing it. It's just, if someone fancies it, you go for it. Yeah, it's not the reason you go. It's just, like, oh, people are fucking in the corner. It shouldn't be like, oh!

It should just be like, yeah, of course they are. People kiss. It's just basically a normal night. You're basically going to see it at the same frequency as you do see people kiss. I'm fingering. You see fingering all the time? In the darts.

Yeah, yeah. That's how you win. Especially when his dad was playing. He used to throw his darts with his mouth because he was too busy. Magic fingers. So occasionally you'd be in the club.

It's a normal club basically and then all of a sudden they'd start banging. Yeah, yeah. I just don't know why it's illegal. I don't know who that law is protecting. Yeah. It's just an infringement

on my rights, isn't it? So you would, would you? I think so. Could you if we were there? Imagine the fucking pics. Here's the thing, because of society's sort of, the way it looks at it right now, I think if it was like day one of the new law,

I think I'd get a bit nervous in front of you lot. But I think if I'd grown up with that being the norm, I don't think it would matter at all I don't really have a shameful bone yeah I think you do have quite a

you know if people ask for a selfie while you're eating I think you get quite annoyed imagine if you're in Teddy's banging your

missus and someone's like fuck on Alice Adam row yeah but that's the same as if you were kissing her you'd be like

go away I'm kissing my mate it's nothing to do with fucking that's just someone being a rude prick, innit? I'm in the middle of something here, I'll be with you in a minute.

Like, you stood next to your mates, neck and bed, to the club when you were younger. Yeah. Imagine if you just bent them over. Imagine. I love it when you're arguing for something that you definitely wouldn't do. I'd watch. Yeah. I'm dead against it.

Turns out I'm pretty prudish. Prudish? Prudish. I'm a prudish. Prudish. I'm a Toyota prudish. Great car. No, I'm dead against it.

Well, I got a bit more for you. But genuinely, it goes against what I'm usually like. I'm not Christian. I'm not Christian. I'm not. But I just think it'd be fucking grim. It'd be grim. I've seen you do a lot.

I just don't want to see you... I watch people have sex at work. Not this work. What work? Zellix? Zellix, yeah. Oh, I've got you bound to right, Sunshine.

When we were in Nashville and those two ugly cunts were fucking in the window, you couldn't take your eyes off it. That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. But it could be funny

all the time. That was so funny. You couldn't take your eyes off it and they were ugly and shitting it. He was a big fat bald cunt and she looked like

a prostitute from the 40s. I could take my eyes off it. I sat there watching it and I thought it was funny. You moved round a different part of the bar. Yeah. You were in the fucking hubbub.

Like, oh my god like everyone else was everyone gravitated over there no there was a few there was about 40 of you who were having a great time loads of us were like

not arsed exactly but everyone at least looked at it and no one was like oh no my eyes because it was funny

yeah exactly exactly but everyone was interested if they'd have been next year, would that have been as funny? Yeah. Horrible, horrible old dick

wafting around. Yeah, I don't have to suck him off, do I? I thought it was funny because it was about 60 yards away in a fucking flat that he nearly fell out of.

Did they break the law? I don't know what Nashville law is on fucking in a window. What's Tennessee state law indecent exposure but they're at home we're looking no I yeah maybe that's

it's back to the thing isn't it you can do what you want in your house you shouldn't be looking in the window I will stand by that I can do whatever

I want in my garden if you're on your house go away it's yeah again that's not the rules is it it should be

I could I should I think you should be able to do whatever you want in your back garden that's not the rules is it it should be i could i should i think you should be able to do whatever you want in your back garden that's what i mean it's only a 500 fine for public indecency in nashville i wonder what the law is though because they were in their flat so is it public indecency if they're in their flat i'm asking it's difficult it's hard for watching if you do that on the streets then yeah maybe that's a bit different yeah like the girl that uh sucks him off at concert square she did suck him off yeah she uh she got in quite a bit of trouble for that and so did he but it's different in nashville five hundred dollars is it worth it in that moment yeah in the moment 100 when when when like you

if you don't know what we're talking about, we were on a rooftop bar in Nashville and this, I'd say, 60-year-old couple realised that a lot of people on that roof bar could see into their flat and she changed into sexy red lingerie. He was naked the whole time and he was obviously an exhibitionist was obviously like a he was a fat

exhibitionist oh that was his turn on wasn't it yeah she didn't look as into it all the time no it was just a bit she was getting a bit shy when when she did this on the window she was like she turned him around and sort of pressed him up against the glass and i saw the give in the glass yeah and that would have been even funnier if they'd have gone fell to their death if they died I don't know

I think I would have found it even more if they fell to their death no just him when they were fucking I couldn't look they're dead now yeah I'm alright

I keep it in the windows I'd go back and watch them again if I knew they were doing it again I'd go if it was one o'clock and we were walking down Broadway

ten past one fuck down so glad I remembered that because we all watched and that was me because it was just a weird it was weird wasn't it it was weird and funny

and it never happens I think every time you went for a pint like for fuck's sake you can just hear lads I'm trying to have a fucking Guinness

it's not it stops being funny it stops being as funny doesn't it we're going to have a fucking Guinness it's not it stops being funny it stops being as funny doesn't it we're going to have to agree to disagree Dan grim I'm glad we're sticking with it

let's have a break aye aye aye if I went to a sex worker and asked her to scratch my back

yeah is that cheating you have to scratch yours she'll tell you to fuck off asked her to scratch my back, is that cheating? You have to scratch yours. She'll tell you to fuck off because you've got an Android phone. Is that? Oh, sorry, babe. You've got a Samsung. Go away.

I could tell on the booking. Would that be cheating? No. Laura just won't scratch my back. Why are you going to a prostitute for that? Well, Laura won't scratch your back. Have are you going to a prostitute for that? Who? Well, Laura won't scratch your back. Have you tried scratching ears? Fire.

Echo. What I've started doing is, every now and then, if I know Carl's just made a joke, but no one's really reacted to it, I just repeat it. That's mine now. Because I know it does his head,

and you get all the comments, as I'm repeating Carl's joke, seconds later, love Carl's face when that happened. I cannot believe no one heard Carl whisper a one-liner joke

into a microphone when they were trying to do a podcast I don't whisper anymore mate that was the Rebecca where did you learn

to whisper in a podcast studio no in a helicopter to a short SM7B that was my favourite one cock I don't smoke

what did you say I smoke I only smoke and then paused for say weed I was like into a short SM7B. That was my favourite one. Cock. I don't smoke. What did you say? I smoke. No, sure. I only smoke. And then I paused for say weird. I was like, cock.

That was fucking funny. Yeah, you need to change your phone game. Dead overrated. Maybe that's why I load them on Scratchy Bar. Yeah. What phone does Laura got?

An iPhone. Exactly. She can't message you. Is that all it takes to get my back scratched? Yeah. Does anyone else enjoy it? I'll scratch it. Oh, with nails.

Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's nice, isn't it? There's certain times in life where getting me back tickled or scratched, I'd rather that than sex. Like certain moments. But your theory is, if your partner won't do something,

it's not cheating if you go and get it done. Yeah. Yeah. But if you ask. She might not see it that way. Oh, she will not. Why? What is it?

Is it hairy? Is it bumpy? What's wrong with it? The thing is, why are you going to a sex worker for it? Why don't you go to a masseuse and go, listen, love, put the oil down

and scratch me back. Oh, Teresa, my check lady, did my ears. I'll scratch your back. She put her fingers in my ears. She went, she did a head massage.

Do you want me to scratch your back for you? I don't think. No. Take the top off. In fact, when I touch your shoulders, you get horny. What? No,

it's very relaxing. Yeah, but you go, oh shit, you tell me to stop. No, it's enjoy, it's not me getting revved up.

But you tell me to stop though. It's not, it's just joking. You've never given me a bonus, a promise. A promise card. I mean,

honestly, I don't want to stop I don't want you linking that to sex because I when you you give good shoulder rubs when you do them

when I'm going oh my god that's good like it is nice but I'm not like Carl I am just going to need five minutes in the toilet I'm not going to you protested a lot

I don't normally get a boner in the massage parlour like it doesn't like do that for me it just relaxes me. Like, if she's beautiful, but then that's not because I'm getting massaged. It's because a beautiful woman

has got her hands all over me. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think it's good that you're lying down. No, it's on your throat. Yeah, because they turn you round. To do what? To do your front.

Like, the front of your legs and your arms? And your chest? You get a full body. Yeah. That's dangerous. Me and Carl went through a period, when we were on tour last year, we went through a period of going with massagers.

And what would happen was, two women would come out of the room and one of them would look like Luke Combs and one of them would look like Amanda Holden. And Amanda Holden would always go over to me and go, Mr. Eagle every time and she'd be like

Adam I'm yours I got the absolute fucking heffa lump like 17 times in a row and then at one point it was like towards the end of the tour it was the other way around

and they come out and the beautiful woman was like Mr. Eagle come with me and the really like big one went to him and literally as he stood up he went

I had a nice run now now and was like, Mr. O, you're coming with me? And the really big one went to him and literally as he stood up, he went, I had a nice run. Now, now, could you argue that a stronger lady... She was the best massage. ...could give it? She was. She looked like the babysitter bandit.

More to prove as well. More to prove. Do the babysitter bandit after Simpsons. She looked like, I promise, she was like six foot six and she was unbelievable

at giving a massage. Mate, you want a fucking bulgarian shot putter she was so good you've got the crick in your oh no you've got the broken fucking femur all good stop breaking people's femurs they want it yeah but as the more attractive lady they cut it short as well yeah because they're like oh like, oh, you're lucky I'm here. Yeah. Yeah. So what if you said, look, can I have just a little back scratch? They'd do it. They'd love it.

They would do it, yeah. Just nails. They would do it. Nails in. Go and get a fork. Get a fork on your back. Cutlery. Improves scratching.

I scratch myself with cutlery sometimes. Oh, I'm never eating at your house again. Oh my God. I honestly know you're trying to record a clip. I've got dedicated cutlery. No, I have. I've got a back fork. Have you had dinner there last night?

Yeah, don't eat in. Oh. A back fork? Yeah. Or can I buy a back scratcher for Christmas? I'm really struggling to think of the stuff

for you for Christmas. Can you get me a nice back scratcher? I've already got one. Don't use it. Prefer me four. I have it. What? Have you got a back scratcher

that you don't use in preference for cutlery yeah I'm proud of you it'd be amazing it'd be so fucking working class if you got an amazing

expensive back scratcher and then sellotape to fork to the end of it that's how we've always done it never change I can reach every part of me back with me four well better to have

someone else scratch you though yeah oh 100% 100% yeah you need to know what's not coming next of me back with me four. Well better to have someone else scratch you though. Yeah. Oh. Or a tickle. Or a tickle. You need to know what's not coming next. If you know where you're tickling,

it takes it away. You can't tickle yourself, can you? You can tickle on top of your mouth or your tongue. My gran used to scratch our backs.

She used to, with her nails. You can't tickle yourself as good as someone else tickling you. It's a fact. I don't think you can tickle yourself at all. But you can wank yourself off better's good that someone else tickles you it's a fact you just don't think you can tickle yourself at all

but you can wank yourself off better than someone wanking you off gotta stand up a bit about this I'm sorry alright okay there you go I've got to stand up a bit about um

uh sellotaping forks to no I haven't should we do a getting tickled on your back is like bliss getting tickled to sleep

why I like legs legs and feet what about tickling me legs turns me on what about by your business partner

who's pissed at a ranch in Tennessee you ain't no that's a different type of tickling isn't it when I'm talking tickling I mean a gentle

like it's more of a stroke that's just nice you were trying to tickle me like I was a fucking eight year old at a bar mitzvah you know I am guilty of tickling a lot of eight year at a bar mitzvah you know I am guilty

of tickling a lot of eight year olds at bar mitzvahs that's why I'm not invited anymore stop chasing those small Jewish children around

they like it and I've had moonshine why do you keep getting invited to the bar mitzvahs because I'm lad I am a laugh

at a bar mitzvah I don't know if you've ever I am a fucking laugh at a bar mitzvah I've been to a if you've ever... I am a fucking laugh at a bar mitzvah. Have you been to a bar mitzvah? I've been to a bat mitzvah. We've said this. It's a bat mitzvah. The one we want.

Cricket. Sorry. Yeah, I forget. We've done 500,000 episodes. Sorry, I don't remember that you went to a bat mitzvah. No, I'm not... Or what it is. I've got a mind like a sieve.

I'm doing my best here. What is a bat mitzvah? It's not... The reason I do that is not to be like oh fucking

Adam's forgot again it's because these who are listening and watching will go oh my god surely they forget as well

we don't know but surely no they know the episodes and everything what episode is that time when you said about that about Adam

I have no fucking idea but then one person replies it's episode 212 and it's here. They're great. That's the intense ones but podcasts we listen to

I don't remember stuff that's gone on. Yeah but that's because we're very casual podcast listeners like some of our we've got intense but they're not as good as our podcast.

Yeah. So for the fourth time around it's for the older Jewish child. Like it's a it's a girl bar older Jewish child. Like it's a, it's a girl bar mitzvah and it's a year earlier. It's younger. Is it coming of age?

12 year old. Yeah. It's like your confirmation. I think it's like Jewish confirmation. Kind of. Is it? Oh, I don't even know what confirmation is.

Confirmation is when you get confirmed as a Christian. Yeah. Because you're old enough to decide. Is it? Is in the Catholic church, is confirmation basically for the priest to be like, any younger than that

is out of order, but after the confirmation, crack at it, have a fiddle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old is it? Is it the pedo line? Yeah, nine.

Yeah. Confirmation is for the kid to go, I want presents off me family and I want a new middle name. That's all it is. I think it's for the priest to be like, that's the fiddle line.

Did you get your confirmation? Have you got one? Did you do it? I didn't get confirmed, no. I didn't get confirmed. He did. They tried to knock on the door with it, but he just wouldndle line. Did you get your confirmation? Have you got one? Did you do it? I didn't get confirmed, no. I didn't get confirmed. He did. They tried to knock on the door with it,

but he just wouldn't answer. We've got your confirmation. Fuck off. I know somebody who's confirmed. Jack, the lad we know, his confirmation name is Jesus. Jack who? He messaged you the other day.

Oh, really? Yeah, confirmation. Are you confirmed? No. What happened? I didn't want to do it. What? I didn't want to get confirmed.

It's a smart move. Then they don't know if you're above the fiddle line. Did you get confirmed? No, are you mad? But you are, see? Yeah, but I'm not a goth. The kids who did it were the Scullies who wanted time off because they got to go to confirmation class.

And they wanted a new watch off the nun. Did you wear a dress if you're a girl? You wear a dress if you're a boy You wear a dress If you're a boy We went to an all boys school So there was no girls Getting confirmed Alright I genuinely don't

Confirmation was literally Just like so You do communion When you get christened Then you do communion Which is like Hey you're having Jesus' fucking bum hole

For the first time Right Slice a bit of his bum hole off There you go. Bumhole of Christ. Amen. Right? Put it in your mouth.

The blood. The first wine is Confirmation, isn't it? I know. We had it at our communion. I remember it tasted like shit on the stage. Stage? Altar? I don't think I did.

I think they changed it. We could choose if you wanted to, so it was up to your parents. They wear dresses. The girls wear dresses? Yeah, they wear like little white flowy dresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, confirmation dress. It's a thing.

Confirmation is right now, in year nine, you're fucking 13, you can make your own decisions. Do you want to be a Christian? Prop one, a Catholic. And we were like, nah, we want to play footy

with the year above. 45 aside, get out of my way. Really? Did you only go one year above? Hang on, I've done it to myself. Did you only go one year above when playing footy?

Was it like, if you were year seven, you wouldn't be like, let's take down these 11s, the fucking year 11s? Seven to nine is a big jump. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big, big jump. You played with the year above and the year below.

And was that just agreed? It was just... So hang on. What if you're in year 10 and you wanted to play with some year nines, but year eight were like, lads, come down? It just didn't happen what if you're in year 10 and you wanted to play with some year 9s but year 8 were like lads come down it just it just didn't happen

then you negotiate yeah I'll play for you for what rate are we so oh really you're a big guy haven't you

I'll go on goal 20 quid did you have the odd player that would make the step up we had a few like in our year the Scullies as well I remember dating

the respect of the year above by doing an overhead on the concrete on the yard did it go in or was it just the it doesn't matter does it it didn't go in

but it was because I attempted it and landed flat on me back on a concrete floor they were like respect got a new leader here boys he's missed the shot

but he's also fractured his skull respect he's only year 7 but he's an alpha I remember watching the hunchback get it with the ball.

I remember watching it come from like 30 yards and she was walking. Have we spoken about it to you before? They met, I think so. I remember watching it

in slow motion, like she's about to get it in the face with that ball and then KC's were bound from there. What's KC? Like a proper football not a flyweight.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a school, but you weren't allowed to go anywhere in a playground. Have we spoken about the hunchback before? The little plastic ball. She's known about the hunchback.

Of Naughty Ash. The hunchback of Naughty Ash. Yeah. Is it a lady? Yeah. She used to walk around hunched over. She'd like,

hey, move with that ball. She wasn't old, by the way. She was probably early 30s. Yeah. Oh, she wasn't one of the... Right, okay. She was a dinner lady. She was a dinner lady.

But she became the hunchback of Nottie Ash and she was there the entire time we were there. And what would you do with her? What would we do for her? Like Santa? I don't know. You'd leave coins out for her, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she liked to collect the money as well. To make her bend down? No, she was already bent down, but she... If you left a penny, she would pick it up. So you'd leave like tips on the table was that a game we were horrible you know

mum I need some change for school what do you need change for I need change every day no just coppers what do you need that for the hunchback of naughty Ash

I'll explain later found a penny found a penny all of that is real if you're two people you're like I need to have a hunchback and you watch it come up take it she'd literally come up if there was like if you're a two-part you're like I need to have a hunchback and you watch it

come up and go take it she'd literally come up if there was like if there was a coin there between me and you having a dinner she'd come over

and go is that anyone's I'd be like no you can have it you can hear her coming it's a great way innit to fucking jangle her

yeah here she comes jingling yeah the hunchback's coming the odd scar you'd like throw a cone at her or something

oh well that's not that's not as playful that's just abuse innitlet like throw a cone at her or something oh well that's not that's not as playful that's just abuse innit yeah we used to batter everyone just leaving not always physically but like

just leaving change around is really funny how far you can get around the quad just like leaving a fucking trail of coins oh my god I've made 35 pence

she'd probably make like a quid a day five in a week just rolling literally there's that many coins now she's like Robbie Fowler she's got property everywhere a quid a day five in a week just rolling in it literally there's that many coins now she's like Robbie Fowler

she's got property everywhere I wonder what she's doing she's doing seminars she's doing seminars she was she was challenged yeah she's on

bell tower now yeah she wasn't like no she wasn't attractive either no no that's not the hunchback not the ash

let me shock you was not a looker and now she's gone into the massage game and she's fucking great we had Rogers selling the hot dogs yeah

Scott's mum selling the hot dogs so he was bunhead yeah because you know she sold hot dogs in buns I always remember

Rogers' I'm sure we've said it before the greatest hits 50 pence each two for the pound if you've noticed Finn has gone really pensive because he's

doing the prep now and it works really well but he's now waiting to come in with the prep I love this I love that I'm free of this I'm like oh my god I can just

join in on the bullshit I reckon you're slowly moving away from just being on this podcast like oh don't say that desk is going to be over there soon

and then next time you're going to be out there it's like no you do it I'll be in in a bit or we're going to do comedy characters aren't we what let's have the top 5 jingle please Dan I don't know where it is shall we guess

go on yeah I love a bit of tonalingus remix so I love a bit of tunneling remix so I love a bit of tunneling that's what

he should have done I didn't know we have a top 5 jingle I was just letting it play a little bit you start turn it off go on start

I want me to clip turn it off this one's the longest bed as well so we're going to do top five

comedy characters of all time you need to say the whole thing again no come on lads

you need a clean cut for the clip so we are going to do the top five in our opinion comedy characters

of all time film and television one more time I'll do it so we're going to do the top, comedy characters of all time, film and television. Do it again. Do it one more time. I'll do it. So we're going to do the top five comedy characters. That's today's top five, ladies and gentlemen. I've prepped it, Finn.

So we'll go around. Each of us will do one pick, and then we'll have a discussion about all of them. So Carl, you're going to go first. David Brent. Who's that? The Office. The Office. It's a good shout. So similarly, mine is Michael Scott.

So he's better than him. We can argue over that. You can't have both of them in. David Brent in. He wrote The Office. You can't have both of them in. You've got to pick one. You can't have the two of them.

They're very different characters. Yeah, he's better. David Brent is one of the best comedy characters ever, and he wrote one of the best sitcoms ever. So David Brent didn't write it. Ricky Gervais wrote it for himself. Yeah, you can't... The fact that Ricky Gervais wrote it

doesn't make David Brent a better character. Irrelevant! Okay, then, he's still the best. Oh, dear! So, Dan, you've seen both of The Office, haven't you? Yeah. So you can testify that they're very different characters. Hmm, yeah.

I mean, they are similar, aren't they? But basically it's the same sort of role, but they're so perfectly tailored to Steve Carell and Ricky Gervais. Because if they'd gone with the American Office, we're going to try and replicate David Brent perfectly. The American Office would never have worked like this. The first season is a word for word

yeah the first episode is a word for word it's British humour versus American humour British humour is much more subtle the UK office

is so much more subtle than the US office the American office has got some real subtlety to it it's not in comparison you've not seen it

am I wrong no but it's not as yeah it's not as no it's not it's not what you think it is okay well I'm just saying that's why I think Brent's so good because it's not as yeah it's not as no it's not what it's not what you think it is okay well

we'll debate that another time that's why I think Brent's so good because it's so subtle I think you'd have to give David Brent as a character the vote if you were going to pick two because

without that character there is no Michael Scott exactly yeah you've never seen The Office have you Nathan? no but I also don't know whether that's a good way

to decide things like just because he inspired that i'm well unless you want you he didn't inspire it yeah i suppose you could argue that michael scott but i think if you're listing a character from the office it's got to be one of the two is the leader of the office who and david brent was that yeah so important from what i understand because i haven't seen either of them, Michael Scott becomes a much more developed character. Yeah, because he's got

longer to do it. Yeah, but that's, that should still be taken into account. That's not. But I've never watched it, so that's not mine. You got to pick one.

You could honestly list, they're both up there as amazing characters. And then also, also Gareth Keenan and Dwight Schrute are both brilliant characters as well. Yeah.

And very unique. But we can't just have all the offers. So, Adam, what's your pick? See, my instinct is to just go for Chandler because that's always been my... I think he has to be in there. Yeah.

It's unbelievable I think Chandler's by far the best character in Friends and it's the most successful sitcom ever now I know a lot of people are like oh Friends is shit

you've got to go with fucking Larry Davids you've got to go I know that I know that's coming I know it's a bit basic to pick a Friends character but I think the success of it

and the fact that I watch it so much I think he yeah I think Chandler's got to be if you're talking about what cultural impact as well Friends is probably the most

successful could he be any funnier successful comedy of all time isn't it it's funny because when I was younger I thought Joey was funnier and then as you grow older Ross has the funniest moments

but he's not the funniest character but I think overall Chandler is the funniest it's hard with this isn't it because you you go right you want you instantly think what's my favorite comedy series by the way i think this is all going to be tv i know initially we were like oh tv or film long enough in a film to develop the character i think it's going to end up being a lot of tv and you want to go what's my favorite

and then pull out it's a weird game to play isn't it because you can't detach the character from the show it's hard to do that because i want to put father ted in because i think father ted's amazing and then you're like well who are you going you're going ted crilly or are you going doogle and then i'm not sure doogle's one of my favorite comedy characters of all time but the whole of Father Ted is so fucking amazing I love it so much, it's so rewatchable, it's so brilliant it was so clever and so silly

it was the best thing for me when I was like 16, 17 and it was on and I still can go back and watch it. Yeah it's fire. But Father Dougal is... Dougal's great isn't he? Is that Adler Hanlon? Yeah. Yeah he's such a good character, that's a good shout out I don't think of Dougal. Dougal's great isn't he is that Adler Hanlon yeah yeah he's such a good character that's a good shout out I didn't think of Dougal

barely from Black Books Dylan Moran Black Books came into my mind it's just so real like you know that guy the guy who's just fucking bored of his life and he fucking

hates it and he's just ahhh he's just constantly pissed off I think he wrote it for himself it's just him it's just him it's him going

imagine if I had a fucking bookshop right there's the series yeah He's just constantly pissed off. I think he wrote it for himself. It's just him. It's just him. It's him going, I'd rather be... Imagine if I had a fucking bookshop, right? There's the series. Who are you going with though? Who's your pick? I'm going to go... I'm going to go...

Dougal. Yeah. Dougal's funnier than Ted. Yeah. But he is funnier. That whole show. Like, probably like David Brent.

Friends is a bit different because it was so much more balanced like it's called father ted for a reason like it he is the lynchpin of the the whole thing yeah um who's yours finn have you mine was what was michael scott but if we're not going for that i'll go for another so i could have gone for a lot of the i love the american uh like the mid 2000s sitcom. So Community and Parks and Rec and The Office, but I'm going to go British and I'm going to go for Uncle Bryn and Gavin and Stacey.

Really? It's a good show. Never thought of it. He's the best character in that show by quite a distance. And Rob Brydon's just very, very good at playing him as well. Yeah.

He was the real comic relief wasn't he yeah as was nessa nessa yeah that's oh oh who's played by christopher walker hey but that show was such a huge thing in when was it like 2007 to 2010 yeah uh i was like 10 years old and that was my first one of my first exposures to real like decent comedy that wasn't just for kids so that that has got a special place for me so i think there's an argument for barney stinson as well i think and this is sort of tied to my love of friends like how i met your mother was a replacement for Friends. The networks basically admitted it. They were like, we just wanted to do that differently.

Barney, if you watch it, and I've watched it through maybe two or three times, Barney is the most developed character in the whole thing. There's layers to why he is the way he is and who he is and why. And there's so much to him as a person. And he's also got the funniest moments in almost every episode.

Yeah, and Neil Patrick Hattis is fucking great. And it's dead funny to have... He's had a great career after it as well, hasn't he? Yeah. Like, to have, like, this womanizer, like, Superman whore played by a gay guy, I also think it's just dead funny. I think Disney have remade it.

Yeah, they have How I Met Your Father. With Hilary Duff. I mean, it's easy money, Yeah, they have How I Met Your Father. With Hilary Duff. I mean, it's easy money, isn't it? Can I just clarify? Are we doing animation? Does that count? Or are we taking it separate?

So obviously I'm going to go Simpsons. I knew you were going to go. But I'll stay clear of it just because Holman isn't my favourite, but he is. Do you know what I found out yesterday? Do you know the fella who voices Homer? You ever seen him? Yeah, I love him.

Do you know who he plays in Friends you ever seen him yeah do you know who he plays in friends yeah I think he's boyfriend yeah no that's

Hank Azaria isn't it oh yeah it's the janitor at the zoo where Ross's monkey goes missing

from is it yeah you know when he's like meet me in the gorilla enclosure like I got some news about your monkey

like him that's the voice of Homer and fucking Krusty the Clown and loads of symptoms Somebody's like, meet me in the gorilla enclosure. Like, I got some news about your monkey. Like him. That's the voice of Homer and fucking Krusty the Clown and loads of Simpsons characters. Mad. Simpsons is number one on every list for me,

but I'd stay clear of it. I think we should do, it's a whole separate one, isn't it, animation? Yeah, because Eric Cartman has got to be up there for one of the funniest characters. I've got my TV

that moved into film. I've gone for Ali G. Because I think what he did or what yeah what's actually about a comedy for comedy at that time change the game I watched this interview at Posh and Bexton today so fucking good no one was doing that as well no it's fucking excellent and then he moved into movies and then obviously talking to Borat and stuff but I think Ali G's for comedy character has to be in the list you know a lot of those characters he's done since were all part of the allergy show

yeah yeah yeah Borat Sagdiev was a news reporter of the allergy show he was unbelievable erm bitch on a pension

suck my dong allergy of the house what a film I'm gonna throw out it's an old one it's like green street for the oldies Basil Fawlty

and Fawlty Towers again I know this is this is a really old one, but holy shit, those, I think they only made like three or four seasons of it. Again, because of that quality control that Ricky Gervais did with The Office. Like, this is what I want to do.

I don't ever want it to go shit. I don't care how much money you throw at me. And it kept the quality high. Basil, like, john cleese has been brilliant in so many things i think that might be his finest hour we're blessed aren't we as brits that the comedy that comes out of like in terms of sitcom historically some of the best are british so faulty towers and then you haven't even mentioned phoenix knights no and then another one i just thought of was peep show Mark Corrigan on that is a brilliant character

they're all there's so many isn't there so what are we going to go for top five Chandler's got to be in Chandler's got to be in there Ali G's got to be in there and I'm going to throw

David Brent in just for I think a lot of people are going to be upset that Larry David isn't in from Caribbean Tuesday and I also think a lot of the purists

will say Kramer is such a funny fucking character in Seinfeld. I think when we do this, if we come up with our top five, obviously there's

people disagree. You've got to do honourable mentions and go, look, even though they've not made it, like when we didn't put Dave Grohl

in the top five front men. We missed it though. God, I got fucking pestered for that. Yeah. And he is amazing. It's also personal preference

as well we're not saying these are definitive best this is definitive oh it is fuck everyone else people are stupid Finn

gotta remember Chandler Ali G David Brent David Brent and then what who's running just running

Dougal yeah I'd go Basil Fawlty over Basil Fawlty getting over Dougal unfortunately that's only four

yeah what was your other one Barney Stinson I've never watched that one no neither have I I never watched it I get that it's

and he's surely very similar to Friends themey isn't he it's really yeah but it's also not like and he's like there's so much to Barney.

Like, there's so much to him. And he's almost like, for me, I think he's like, it's like he's the main character, even though he isn't. In my head, he is. I would love to put Michael Scott in, because he is very different to David Brent. I think both have a place in this list. So it's Michael Scott, David Brent, Chandler.

Ali G. And Basil Fawlty with a few honourable mentions let us know who we missed Ron Swanson that's a strong list Ron Swanson is an honourable mention

what's he in? Parks and Rec brilliant character but yeah comment below let us know who you we've obviously missed people let us know who we missed baby and yeah like

Homer obviously he's in my but I've stayed I think we might have to do an animation one because Adam's just not bothered. So if Adam's away and we do a top five,

we'll do animation. Yeah. Because you're not into it, but we're geeky for it. Yeah. Let's have a break. Lovely. Elliot Steele's here.

Oh. Whoa. That's the wrong button. Sorry, Elliot. It was already playing I'm still playing It's one of the ones that's on continuous

Let's do it again Ellie Steele Second time on the couch although a lot of people think it's your first because you get asked to when are you going on have a word

four or five times a week Fresh off the chocolate dinosaur special The worst night of my life You had a great time you had a great time I had a great time but it's I've always wanted to do

chocolate dinosaurs yeah and I wanted I really the way I always envisioned doing it was I take them and I go

for a walk in the rain in London and I go up to Crystal Palace to the park and I look over the city and I realise that I'm part of this big cosmic force

what I didn't envision was while I realize that I'm part of this big cosmic force, what I didn't envision was while I was having an existential crisis was to hear, fucking your shot now, lad. Jesus Christ. Jamie Hutchinson in a gimp mask, fucking slut dropping on stages. Weirdly, I always envisioned that part.

I always thought to get a real experience of tripping, you need Jamie Hutchinson there in a gimp mark singing Ricky Martin. You ended up just helping yourself to the bar that night, didn't you? Because everyone went home, including the members of staff. Yeah.

Don't you just remember that? You see the look on his face and he's like, oh yeah. Well, so much happened. You know when you're part of a night out where so much happens, there's someone who you're part of a night out where so much happens that someone then reminds you part of their happening that they remember and just one moment just for those who aren't patreon members or don't know what we're talking about

last month's patreon special we did a a quick and easy one because we were going to nashville uh the following week uh we went out around liverpool and it was meant to be a games night it was meant to be out of hand uh went out around liverpool elliot meant to be a games night. It was meant to be. It just got out of hand. Went out around Liverpool. Elliot was on with us and so was Jamie Hutchinson. But Dan and Finn got hold of some, if you know what I mean, drugs.

They got some drugs. Chocolate dinosaurs. Chocolate dinosaur drugs with mushrooms in. Psychosilabin. Is that what it's called? It was just chocolate-shaped dinosaurs, but it's like quite strong cocoa. So we haven't eaten.

Drugs. Mushrooms. Drug. Class A's. Drugs. And they did loads of drugs. YouTube, ignore that. They did loads of Class A drugs.

And it's your problem. Stop it. It's going to get age-restricted. Yeah, just don't. No, you just don't do any drugs on this episode, but you did drugs recently. restricted yeah just don't no you don't just don't do any drugs on the on this episode but you did drugs recently um and uh yeah then we went for karaoke and that's the end of the story well yeah we ended up getting we stayed and then we went down to the bar to leave but they just

locked us in because what you really want when you're just tripping balls and a bit drunk is to be locked in like a kind of hostel type environment. It's a brothel, isn't it? Yeah, but it's a brothel. Instead of screams,

you hear like someone really badly singing Morrissey. He must really block out people singing karaoke because if you were the last person in there that night, like, you know, when you're doing a checkup, if you're closing up somewhere,

he can hear you singing upstairs and go, yeah, no one's in. Were you still singing or were you just in the karaoke room? Are you forgetting about the fact that you're haunted by a karaoke singing Croydonite? No, Elliot did a very intense, uh, rendition of Eminem's stamp where he screamed every word in mine and Jamie's

face. Um, I forgot about that part at all. Oh, so the guy did know, he just went, do you know what, I'm locking him in.

I'm really still stuck on, uh, the, the hole on golf where I got five instead of six and taking that as, oh, really, I really come across well in that. You weren't great with the golf. No, I wasn't. Your hand-to-eye coordination,

and I'm not one to speak, is not the best. Yeah, well, it's very difficult to have a shot when someone's screaming, you're a nepo baby. Oh, yeah. To the lights of your dad. Your dad is ashamed of your shot.

Yeah. Do you know what? If my dad watched that, what he'd be most ashamed of your shot. Yeah. Do you know what? If my dad watched that, what he'd be most ashamed of isn't the drug taking, but is actually doing really bad on mini golf. No, I do remember the screaming M&M. I wasn't...

I don't come out well in nights out. That wasn't on film. That wasn't on film, but in nights out in general, there's always a kind of yeah you know you could have toned it down a bit there that was a little bit

we were having a laugh but then you took it you know and I think I think that Eminem moment probably was one of my most I'm glad that wasn't on film that was after the end

yeah most of us have gone home thank Christ that was like yeah that was like the end of an Avengers film or something. Like post-credits, you have to stay to watch me scream in Eminem

to a very scared Jamie. What do you mean? Do you just get too drunk or you just get too manic or do you just take it too far? No, it's not. It's nothing like that. I think I just stay too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the master of it. I'm getting better at that though. You are slowly getting better. I've grown up a lot this year. Now I'm like three, four o'clock in the it. I'm getting better at that, though. You are slowly getting better. I've grown up a lot this year. Now I'm like three, four o'clock in the morning. I'm done. I mean, get me home. Great time.

Five past four. I'm getting myself to bed, actually. Yeah. That's what I do. Like I've, you know, recently I've not been drinking and stuff like that and actually quite enjoying it. Or when I have drunk, I've had three beers and then I've left.

And I was like, I used to not know that that was an option. Yeah, yeah, totally. I used to have, I mean, we were having this chat one time where it was like, I either have no beers or all of the beers. Yeah. And that's always been the sort of issue I've had. But since I've developed this thing called a frontal cortex. It's a big step.

It's a big step. I've gone, hey, maybe I don't need to do cocaine on a Monday afternoon. and then you can go home and when you get to that point like an amalgamation of us do you know i mean you can get there you can get there in your early 20s or your early 40s eventually monday's not a coke afternoon um on the Nepo baby thing, that's become a thing in the past year or two,

hasn't it? To slag people off who've got successful parents. Yeah. People in the public eye being called out for being a Nepo baby, people have a go at them

and like, hey, you're only where you are because of your fucking dad or you're only where you are because of your fucking ma. Do you feel slightly disrespected that people don't consider you successful enough to have a go at you?

Too bad question. Stabbed him there and then shot him. It's so funny about it. I've got to plug the Radio 4 sitcom I'm doing with my dad, which really shows the level of like, yeah, it's only Radio 4 though, right? Yeah, it's coming in a while,

but I've always had this thing in comedy where like, roll with the punches. Yeah. And also, they've got a bit of a point. Yeah. There is a bit of a point to that. Yeah, but comedy, your dad could get you a gig once, twice,

maybe three or four times. And after that, if you can't do it, you're not getting any more gigs via your dad. You've done the long haul, haven't you? You've been going, what, five, six, seven, eight years? Ten. Ten, yeah, fucking hell. And like, you just, you could get the,

you could get a hand early doors, but if you're absolutely shit, you're not getting any more gigs after that, are you? I think he got quite a big hand early doors. And then recently, like I gigged with him recently in London and it's actually annoying how good he's got. Because he was always a comic

who could go on and have a good set. But he's got to the point now where like I was doing Top Secret, which outside of Hot Water is probably my most comfortable comedy club in the country. And I was just like, oh, I've got a problem. Elliot, come up, Bradley. When I saw him last night, you've just. And I was just like, oh, I've got a problem.

Elliot, come up, Bradley. When I saw him last night, you've just started trying. And he's like, yeah, I have. No, but I bet you were always trying. Yeah. I thought I was trying. Yeah, okay. I thought I was, but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be, it was like I was living my, I didn't go to university, so I lived my university years in comedy. So I was going out drinking and partying and doing all of that yeah fun stuff which there is a time and a place for but then i saw so many of my peers surpass me that i was like because they write on a monday afternoon yeah yeah but then when you go oh hold on i've got this cool story from a monday afternoon that they don't have because they're a fucking nerd right then you can go all right and go work and i'm top secret is my i owe so much to mark rothman who runs it because he just took a liking to me and was like keep coming back the best most mental man in comedy incredible it's absolutely but 10 years is the point in and around 10 years isn't it where

you start really clicking yeah yeah i think, I think so. I think like, you said something to me one time that actually really, it was roundabout sort of four years ago. I started really trying to write in a standup and you said something to me after the comedian one time where you,

I didn't have like. I remember that weekend. Me and Elliot got cocaine and went for a walk. I was going to say it was cocaine we had a really nice time it's so much easier when someone's not putting a camera in your face

oh god I just remembered oh where are we fucking hell we went for a little walk and a massive heart to heart yeah but you know when someone just like I watched you that weekend just destroy and you went you're not gonna destroy you he was like you're trying to do something you you you're gonna get there please stick with it you were like just please

stick with what you're doing right now and you'll get somewhere with it you're not gonna destroy the gigs massively yet and it was like actually it was like someone giving really good advice like going like, you're on the, I can see the track you're on, I can see the path you're taking. Listen lad, right now, you're shite, but in a gig, you'll be less shite, so keep going. No, it was, it was, no, it was, it was brutal honesty,

which you kind of need in show business, you know? There's so many people you meet and you, they talk to you about stuff and you're like, why are you doing this? Like, what are you doing? Yeah, but Elliot, you were also never a fucking hard on about it i'll give you that coming from where you've come from with a dad like your dad's very successful it's like a lot of people look up to him he's popular and everything but i never got the vibe off you that you expected everyone to suck you off because

you're like oh because of who i you took like you were young when I first met you. Like 17, 18? I must have been when he was 17. We were doing Big Colony. Yeah. But you never gave off a vibe of like, well, I am the bollocks. It always seemed to me like you turned up to work. And it does take time to really start making it land.

And like, it's very easy to go, I meet younger comics who are trying to almost convince you in the dressing room that they deserve to be on a better spot or getting paid more. And if you're a comic who thinks you can haggle other comedians like that, you're a fucking idiot. Because all we give a fuck about, not who your dad is, not how you got the gig, what school you went to, all we care about is how good you are on the stage,

whether you're 17 or fucking Jeff Innocence over 60. All we care about is funny on the stage. And you can also see the development, can't you? Like, I always liked that about you. You turned up to gig. You weren't ever trying to tell me that you were great. You were just going on stage and doing great there are some absolute hard-ons in in dressing rooms who just give me the

fucking ick in a dressing room name them oh my god you know the ones who were like you're just having a nice conversation and then they do it they start doing their fucking linkedin just give us some names give Just give us an initial. Imagine if I just said the name that's in my head right now, just a fucking... Well, I can't imagine that, only you can. Say it and he'll bleep it. Say it behind the sneak up. And then we can react.

Say it behind the sneak up and I'll bleep it. Mark Steele. Oh, he's like, oh yeah, do you know I've got a son? I'm like, shut up. Yeah, that development, it's fun because I'm doing Edinburgh this year. Like, tickets are on sale now and it's... I haven't got plugging down yet.

Get your plugs in, lads. Make sure you get your plugs in. Don't go to Liverpool on your own fucking money if you're not getting your plugs in. I'm sorry. You do shock with dinosaurs again. Put it on the internet. My agents were like,

oh, you did a, that's really good. You did a special with the have a word guys. I was like, don't watch it. Don't watch it. All those meetings we had about where I was. Oh, I've taken a few steps back. But yeah,

that sort of, it is fun to sort of like, you know, write this in, like progress. And I know people complain about Edinburgh all the time and I'm sure you've heard

always complain about it, but I love it. I know it's this expensive thing, but it's such an investment in getting better. Oh, I'm doing it this year for that exact reason. You get better.

Like you get to go out there and gig loads and you're going to come across an audience who are going to be too nice to you. You're going to come across an audience who are going to be not nice enough

and you're going to like learn that, you know, that those gaps in your game, those gaps in your act. Yeah, you also get to do 27 hours in one month. Yeah. That's what I found daunting

about Edinburgh the first time. It's the fact that nice people are going, do whatever you want. It's your hour. hours in one month yeah with with that's what i found daunting about daunting about edinburgh the first time it's the fact that nice people are going do whatever you want it's your hour and you're like oh it's this that's all on me then isn't it and i did an hour of like pretty good stuff but it was all right it that is a developing comic is invaluable that much stage time and that much development it's easy to slag it off but well you can earn loads more on the circuit yeah and you can be there forever yeah that's that's uh i loved i love the circuit i will always do bits on the circuit like if i seen but like i think you are going up against the best of the best every weekend and you you know eventually get to a point where i want to tour and stuff you will know that tour is ready when you can go on and do 20 minutes of that

next to someone like jeff innocent or mick ferry ferry this is what i always say and i say it to comics who get off the circuit and go i'm just gonna do my own work in progress i'll sell my own tickets to work in progress because the best way to get that much stage time and do an hour i'm gonna do three sets tonight i'm gonna do probably 50 in this week all of hot water and hot water is still a home game for me there'll be people in who've bought tickets for me but there's most of them won't have most of them will be oh there's that guy or who's that guy um and they don't care they just want it to be funny yeah and if you smash it's definitely funny enough in my head i did hot water twice on friday and three times on saturday And it was the first time I've closed with this newer set, 2025 or whatever,

that's going to have to grow and whatever. And I could close and smash over comics doing their best of forever or their current set doesn't, it's amazing. It's a great feeling. Because then you go, wait till I get in front of our lot

because then it'll fucking hoof. Yeah. I'm really excited about this week. Are you still doing new bits tonight? Yeah. Yeah. Can I come down? No.

Elliot, it's on. No, yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I'm going to go and do Hot Water twice and that in the middle of it. And all week, just get better,

like fixing a little bit, coming off stage. I'm writing more now because I've never been a notebook guy i've never been a let's go and work on that until i worked on juicy with alfie brown and he was like it was something you said actually to alfie and i was there when we were talking about sort of how i work on my stuff um you said i i said oh i don't work on my stuff i just like remember it and try and sort of fix it and you you went, yeah, but you know, it works.

Like you've got where you are and it works. And Alfie went, what if it doesn't? What if it's meant to be several levels above what it is? Like he's done amazing. But what if he actually went and worked on it? There's two levels above where he already is to what he's doing. And then when we worked on Juicy together

and spent fucking day after day in the car, Jack, Jack come and seen so many of those, our photographer Jack, I know he's not on camera a lot, he come and photographed loads of my work in progress shows before Juicy went out. And he was in the car when Alfie was like, yeah, it was a good preview tonight,

but you did do 47 things wrong and here's what you need to fix. And it made me go, oh, maybe i should stop with this 10-year attitude i've got of i don't really write stuff down i just try and figure it out on stage if i actually go back and go what was wrong about that what was good about it where's the next line your adhd hyper focus means you can remember say someone gives you 47 notes. You can remember so many. But over the course of developing a show, tell me having stuff written down doesn't shore up the cracks.

Because I can't work like that without notes and without just some sort of stock check on the ideas. You can recall and retain so much of it. But having it written down as well can only stuff must be falling through the gaps totally and also it made jokes i changed jokes to different jokes because like alfie just went oh that joke you do there not at this bit can you just write a better one like a different simile because that simile is not good enough it's a bit cheap and it's a bit low and i went how about this and he went yeah yeah just that and he went you just made the show 10 better by changing that one line did right

because you just because i made you think about it a line that you'd have just gone that gets a laugh it's fine i made you go i can write a better joke there and then you immediately did he's like just do that for every bit did did it help structurally as well having it written down like there you could go oh maybe because i find that with writing sometimes it's like especially like the hour i'm writing now or so many bits they're good and this and going like it didn't like with something like juicy you go okay i can do an hour of funny i want to add an element of there's a cool thing about edinburgh is like we take the piss out of the theme show but if you can combine that club level hit rate like you did with juicy club level hit rate interesting story

personal then it comes a fucking different thing yeah it comes like and daniel sloss was always really good at that daniel sloss was like the master of going i'm gonna take something about my life something really personal make it really funny and then you're more you're following like a narrative as well it It's so much more, you know, I think it's like a next level to stand up, but like, that's what I'm saying.

He's still doing it by the way. Daniel Sloss hasn't died. Daniel Sloss was really good. Obviously we lost him to that. He's got a flight back from New Zealand. We'll see how that goes. I thought I was dead last night on that flight coming back from Dublin. I swear to God.

You've had some bad flights recently. Yes. So there was 17 people and a baby on the flight. So you thought you were dead? Well, it was just... Am I dead? The baby was looking at me weird. It's a hungry baby.

80 people got on the flight. In my head, I was like, right, this isn't the best pilot, is it? Like, this is not fucking... this isn't prime time guy. This is like, he's the open spot pilot. And I was like, right. And then we took off and he went, ladies and gentlemen, but he didn't say this until after we took off.

We've just hit some turbulence and we do expect it to last the entirety of the flight until we start our descent into Liverpool. So please stay in your seats and the staff will come to you. The toilet's going to be out of use for the entire flight. It was just fucking constant. It was fucking grim. 17 people does seem like

someone's hired to assassinate you and they're all part of it. There's not enough people there, is there? Is it Ryanair? Yeah. 17 and a baby. Not good. They're what

right now they're a bad auntie oh yeah what are they like it's good that someone finally said it I've always thought it what's your opinions on airplane food Carl

ooh do you know what you can't even get in the nuts I'm going to Nashville for you on the way home not so far the food that me and Jack had on the way home from New York

honestly was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth home from New York, honestly, was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. And I'm including like, eating pussy of the worst. Yeah, come with your mouth. Yeah.

I've had my cum in my mouth and I'd rather have that again than that chili con carne. And it was actually cold, Adam. I cum in my own mouth accidentally once. No. I've got a shotgun of a cock.

It's so easily done if you don't aim it. If you do that, then, I've got like a shotgun of a dick. So like, it'll you don't aim it if you do that then I've got like a shotgun of a dick so like it'll go off so it's like pellet

like birth it came up it's got a good spread like an F-16 from back shot to slug oh just put it on the food we had

on the way back from New York they offered us Hunter's Chicken or Chili Con Carne and I was like yeah I'll have the Chili Con Carne Carne means beef

there was no beef in this thing it was the worst thing i've ever put in my face chili what was it just like a fucking salsa it was jack wasn't i'm not exaggerating am i it was so like even for airplane food it was through the fucking floor what's hunter's chicken uh it's chicken breast wrapped in bacon with barbecue sauce it's great you would you'd actually really like it that sounds good yeah why didn't you go for the hunter's chicken that sounds way better because i wanted a chili can you say corn what's the chili cum carne chili you get a carne from the fair to just come in your chili. It's a chili con carne. Chili con carne.

Chili con carne. No, stop doing that. It's chili con carne. Chili con carne. That's what I'm saying. No, chili con carne. That's what you're saying. No, I'm not saying carne.

I'm saying carne. I've just spent some time on the continent. Chili con carne. I mean, there's grills and con. Oh, stop saying that. That's getting on me dead. Con just means off, there's pros and cons. Stop saying that. That's getting on my tits. Con just means of, doesn't it? Yeah. As I say, chicken of.

Isn't it with? You'd say of or whatever. Chicken with. Yeah. Con. Chicken with me. Chicken with. Chicken.

Anyway, good looking Edinburgh. Chicken with me. Yeah. Chicken with. Can't wait to go to Adam's show where it's just him arguing with the audience about how to pronounce it. Airway food! What's the deal with that?

What's the deal with chicken conchini? I can't say it, neither can you. Where are you doing it, Adam? I am doing a room that is... It's a nice room, it looks good, but the name is the Deli Belly, which feels a little bit racially charged

I'm not gonna lie no deli belly just means when you shit yourself in India no deli belly is when you get home isn't it and you've had

no but bad food I thought deli belly was like an actual what if you've got deli belly you've been somewhere deli is a place in India

yeah deli belly is when white people go over and can't handle the food they go ham over their mates and they actually

don't bother. Why would they name the room after that then? Why? Why is that? Full of shit. Because they're just

trying to rhyme anything with belly. Just call it the underbelly, here it is. Oh, is it in the underbelly? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Right, okay. They all just rhyme with belly. Oh, right.

Yeah. Telibelly. What? Telibelly would work better. Why? yeah yeah yeah right okay they all just rhyme with belly oh right yeah telly belly what telly belly would work better why as seen on telly when you put them in there I thought you were

doing a Taliban job Taliban they've been attacked by the Taliban I'm in a Taliban room chilly kunkka in the telly bellies I'll tell you what

I don't agree with a lot of their politics but their hour is something to behold the Taliban Kunkari and the Tallybellies. I'll tell you what, I don't agree with a lot of their politics, but their hour is something to behold. The Tallybanter. Oh my God. Tallybanter.

If you saw that on the board, the Tallybanter at half one in the big room, you go, let's go. Let's me and you get a second room and do the

Tallybanter show. The Tallybanter for an hour of crowd work. It's just Islam based banter. The poster's going to be so horrible the review system's like

how many beheadings out of five did it get oh just four book him just four book him for that I'm going to you

yellow card I rescinded that's getting rescinded mate you can go to appeal if you want but that was a bit of a booking

you're getting your Taliban confused with Saudi Arabian government mate oh yeah forget the Taliban they're really moderate and never do any

beheadings no they're not nice people don't get me wrong they don't want women to learn anything but you know but you ride bumper cars

we've got some bad points as well yeah the bumper car was good PR for them. Yeah, the bumper cars was sick. Bumper cars and like Nerf guns and that. Remember that? That was one of the funniest moments.

Do you know when that happened? When there was like the Taliban in like kayaks and that were old in 1847. That was the moment where I thought. We're in a TV show. The world's glitched. Or someone's trying to wind us up. Weren't they on swans?

Yeah. They were like on a fun lake. I've seen one of them crash into a toboggan. What? Get it on. Is the telly on? No, put it on. Like, this was honestly

the moment where I was like, I think the world might be fucking with us. This might be a streaming show stuff. And they might... Ignore the Google. Yeah, it needs to...

Is it on? It's on, yeah. Yeah, go on. In the end zone. What is it? Taliban toboggan. Taliban toboggan. Come into ITV.

Can I just say, that has lived up to every have a word expectation I had coming up. Just go on pictures, don't go on YouTube. That was a video. It crashes. Just put Taliban on the bumper cars. When you say toboggan, it's not like Olympic tobogganing or something. No, they're just having a video. It crashes. Just put Taliban on the bumper cars. It's not like Olympic tobogganing or something.

No, they're just having a go. Oh, mate. They had a fucking belt a week, didn't they? There's them driving around in the bumper cars. Look, they've got AK-47s on the bumper cars. Yeah, but they've got to have some time off, haven't they? They've just reclaimed Afghanistan. No, Andy Freeman, though, because helaimed afghanistan real jobs i found that

whole thing that whole week where that happened and you know on instagram when someone starts going like here the taliban have retaken afghanistan and here's what you can do to help and you click on the thing and it's not a link to undergo weapons training in uzbekistan and like live your life out there. It's like, donate your air miles so some people over can get a chili con carne on the flight. I found a toboggan video. It's phenomenal.

They're living the best life there in the Taliban. Taliban don't cut heads off though. They just run countries. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? The Taliban don't chop heads off. I didn't think they did. In the history of the Taliban.

Oh, no. They did Ken Bigley. Did they do Ken Bigley, yeah? That was Al-Qaeda. There you go. You're getting them mixed up. I'm not getting them mixed up. It was Al-Qaeda, Ken Bigley.

Why are we all talking about the Taliban? I think you mean the Liberal Democrats, Dan. It's literally like... It's literally like I've gone... It's literally like... Dan, I tell you what, we do some jokes here, chilli con carne aside, It's literally like It's literally like I've gone It's literally like You're like Dan I tell you what We do some jokes here

Chilli kum kha On your side And I'll slag off ISIS And the Saudi fucking regime But leave the Taliban Like I've gone Plight Cymru Are doing like

Stone-ins in the middle Of fucking Llanelli town centre Alright Then you've done a couple Of course It's an exception That proves the rule

Who hasn't done a couple Exactly I'm sorry about that Who hasn't done a couple? Sorry about that. It's definitely Al-Qaeda who did Ken Bigley. If they did Ken Bigley, then I'm finished with them. Oh, but you know. That was you. No amount of bumper cars. I'm done.

Not a chance. Where's the Taliban and Al-Qaeda sort of in cahoots for a while now? We've had this conversation before. And he got fuming. Because like the Taliban, like they didn't do 9-11 but they were happy about it. Al-Qaeda.

Yeah. Yeah, Al-Qaeda are a bit more of the like fanatical faction of it. ISIS hate the Taliban. Al-Qaeda are a terrorist organisation. ISIS are a terrorist organisation. Taliban are not a terrorist organisation. They're a government organisation.

They're just government organisation. They're just, they basically, they try and run countries. ISIS hate the Taliban. Yeah. The Taliban's helping the US government fight ISIS. Well, not purposely, but it's the same common enemy. Is it like a Peaky Blinders when they have a little like,

we want to fight for the bit. But it's not as simple as that, is it? Let's kill them and then we'll fight each other. Yeah, it's a common enemy. No, but not. It's too broad a brushstroke that that's not how it is. Well, they're both fighting the same person.

What? The Taliban are fighting ISIS and, you know, the US are always fighting ISIS. The ISIS, they're like the absolute hardline ultras, aren't they? Yeah.

Yeah. You ever seen Americans talk about... The liberal Democrats... Sorry, go on. Sorry, you ever seen Americans talk about football? Like soccer?

Yeah, and they're getting... And they don't quite know what the teams are. That's exactly what this is right now. Yeah, I love it how we're like, lads, don't Google this. We'll work this out together. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Just go off what you know.

Throw some shit out there. Taliban Titans. That's what they'd be called. I can't wait. They have a great ultrasound. How can I eat an albatross? How would ISIS be? The what? The ISIS Heislings. Just frozen food. a great ultra scene okay you did Albatrosses Albatrosses what would ISIS be the what the ISIS

Iceland just frozen food the Iceland um ISIS not Iceland Iceland the Iceland

ISIS members the ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS

ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS ISIS I don't know what an isotope is Isotope perfect Springfield isotopes Isotopes I'm looking forward to your show Taliban With a Z at the end The kid show Hey we didn't do

Ken Bigley Come on That's an Alistair Green Alistair Green if I've ever seen We didn't do camp baby hey what's your show called Elliot

love and hate speech nice I should have called it nepo baby but it was too late stuff had been sent and I was like

I'll do that next year yeah but I would have loved to have called it nepo baby is there a theme or have you just

gone with a nice title yeah I kind of think um well the show's sort of about why i have a dark sense of humor a little bit and people always conflate that for hate but a lot of the time you have a dark sense of humor because it's love like i don't like i don't know there's like all this thing with masculinity and stuff at the minute but i hate being hugged and told i'm all right like i got, I got need in the balls at jujitsu really hard. Yeah. And I had to, I left it for three days.

And so I went to the hospital after three days and I went and gigged like the whole time. And it was, it was awful. And I was throwing up at the gigs and stuff, but I was training for a tournament and I put myself, cause I'm an idiot and listen to Dave Goggins and people like that. I sometimes think I could be that guy. Yeah. Don't just run one marathon, do six.

Yeah. He's so insane. Forgetting that I am a Radio 4 person's son. I'm like, no, I could be a Navy SEAL if I really put my mind to it. And then so I went- So you got kicked in the balls. You were like in training.

Yeah, so I went with this lad and he threw a knee up, which you're not allowed to do. And I sprawled because I thought he was trying to take me down. So I've sprawled and just gone into it and fallen down and immediately started screaming, started vomiting. But I thought I'll be all right. I'll take three days off. I'll take three days off.

So I went down and did like gigs in Bath and stuff. And I had to stay down there because it was so, I couldn't get the train back. I was in so much pain. The next day I sort of left that night. I went, right, we'll go to the hospital. Went to the hospital and thought it will be okay. And I went in and an actual medical professional

said the words when he took my trousers down and looked, went, holy fuck, dude, why didn't you come here sooner? And I was like, oh no. I was like, oh no. I was like, uh oh. So they then, and like, I'm not, I'm not joking. It was like, not to be too graphic, like this Coke can here. Your dick or your balls? My balls.

My, my right testicle. What colour? Purple. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Balls are purple anyway. What?

You got purple bollocks. Adam, you might want to go to the hospital. Yeah, but every medical professional that's ever seen his dick has gone, holy fuck, dude. I've got those bollocks on. I've got purple balls. You haven't. Oh, no.

That's unknowingly. You haven'tly You haven't You haven't? Yeah You've got purple bollocks They're not like bright purple But there's like a Like if you were a

Dulux colour chart It's on the purple Piece of paper Your purple piece of paper That's funny you know And would you like to go for Lavender spring Or Adam's bollocks

What one They should have like a vein And stuff that would Maybe get a bit of tinge Would you like to go for Lavender Spring or Adam's Bollocks? What one? They should have like a vein and stuff that would maybe get a bit of tinge. No, my balls are purple and my veins are blue. That's a country song. That's a country song. My balls are purple and my veins are blue. A honky-tonk and a burp-burp-burp. Oh my God.

Yeah, he sort of looked at it and then was like, you need to do immediate blood tests and urine tests now. I did them and they were fine. I haven't finished this story. And they were fine. And then he went, you need to go for an ultrasound. But our ultrasound, well, yeah, I was like, what do I need?

He's like, you need one. And I was like, cool, when we're doing it, he was like, oh, our ultrasound department shuts on Sunday because these scientists respect the Sabbath apparently. So I had to come back in the next day because they'd sent me home. I thought, oh, they're just going to give me some pain medication, go rest and it'll be fine.

So I go and get the ultrasound. They scan the left testicle. All good. Textbook testicle. Who's the mom putting the jelly on you oh yeah it was a precarious situation and i was just sort of making jokes about it and they were laughing they start scanning the right one and the vibe in the room shifted and that's when i was like making me sick fuck i was like fuck because they weren't bantering with me. And then anytime I asked a question, they wouldn't answer.

Was it critical, testicle? They were saying things like 57, 58 there, torsion and things like that. Torsion means like muscle ripped on it. You've ripped your bollocks. 57, 58. So they then have to, I have to go down. Did you nearly lose your testicle? Oh, I'll tell you down. Did you nearly lose your testicle? Oh, I'll tell you what happens.

My God. I go down to the, to where the doctor is, wait an hour. I've just remembered something and I'll forget if I don't say it right now. One of my best mates growing up, he had one of his balls cut off

for one reason or another. Not important. And then we got, we had a fight one time and I kicked him in the balls and he went ah you missed you hit me gap

I've just remembered that now always kick to the left Adam do the research he used to get bullied for it all the time he got called like Hitler and one bollock Adam and stuff like that and then one time I just kicked him

and he went ah you missed don't say his name though what? don't say his name though. What? Don't say his name. His name's Adam. Okay. One bollock Adam. Shout out one bollock Adam.

So when someone's telling us like this, can you feel your bollocks? Did it mean neck? Yeah. You can feel it. Not my throat. It didn't mean neck. That would have changed the mood

in the room as well. I'll say something. Go on, go on, you go. No, the pain when it happened was so bad you know that that grace period your body does that weird thing where it's like 10 seconds yeah yeah oh no you're hard as nails that didn't hurt you and then it's like ah gotcha there there was none of that it was immediate like i was screaming but i wasn't in control of the screaming my body doesn't it doesn't feel like my body's going you're hard hard as nails. It's like, when I get kicked in the balls,

like that, that gap, it feels to me like my balls are going, are you ready for this? Yeah. Just prepare yourself because this is going to be

the worst thing you've ever felt. Are you ready? I can't hold it any longer. Three, two, one. Boom! It's not like,

you're hard, you lad. Yeah? This is not going to be a problem for either of us. We're both, you know what, we're both just going to

crack on my dad afternoon. Like, my balls and my brain are very well aware that the evening is over. My balls are just going, lad, just so you know, we're fucked.

We're fucked. Okay. Just give yourself five seconds because they... Deep, innit? Enjoy these five seconds because they're going to be the best five seconds

of the next three days. Ready? Three, two, one. And here we go. Pain forever. It's one of them pains that sort of... i'm not even like grow up you're like oh that's bad and it comes in waves oh no and you go oh no no no

it's in your stomach yeah yeah yeah yeah i couldn't i couldn't leave the gym for like two hours afterwards i was just lying on the mat just lying there just fucked and i was eventually able to get off the mat to go throw up because the pain was so intense. But like I said, I'm a moron. So I'm going, I'll be okay. I'll get home and put some ice on it and it'll be fine. So three days later, I'm going down after my ultrasound to meet the doctor. And the thing with doctors and NHS workers-

Did you put your balls on ice? Yeah. I bet you screamed then. You're like, oh, won't be doing that again. From Bath Comedia, I got a stein cup full of ice and dipped my balls into them back in the flat. Because I was like, it was so much pain that it was like. Won't be doing that again.

So I go down to see the doctor. And the doctors have to, like, they see the worst that the world has to offer. So they're a little bit hardened to things. So I walk in and he literally doesn't even look up from his notes and he goes, you can lead a perfectly normal life with one testicle i see i was like have a seat cup of water and the the nurse is there and she's trying to be a human being about it and i swear to god she was like so that she's there going to me we gotta

make an incision on your scrotum i'll admit this i said why do you have to go through the top of my dick it turns out i don't know where the scrotum is why were you above your dick i thought it was above my dick i thought it was like a bit of the penis so i was there like why are you going through the top of my dick and they're both like maybe if this guy can't breathe that's not such a bad thing scrotum is your ballsack yeah well i found out when they drew an arrow on it i'm gonna go through your scrotum on my arm why are you doing brain surgery the story's making me i need to know the protagonist is okay audio yeah so he looks me in the eyes and he goes

there's a 5% chance of chronic scrotal pain right oh my god your balls always hurt 1 in 20 so I'm you were like oh I ate toothache

and he's like he's there going dude 5% isn't a lot and I'm like man you should see some of the accumulators i put on because five percent is a fucking lot all right if i thought that hack has got a five percent chance coming in my weekend's great and the nurse i swear to god she could see me like i'm starting to freak out because i've just been hit you're having surgery

we're doing this there's no other option you're up next in the surgery room the doctor's a robot so he's just telling me this stuff like oh good like sort of like a guy who's about to do an MOT or something like yeah yeah we just got to check this because he does it all the time I'm freaking out the nurse generally went hey women love a good scar story she's coming on to you there and I was like not on your scroll i was like how am i going to show this to a woman she was dcf me in a bar without her asking for angela like how is this ever going to come about and also like what am i going to say oh yeah a teenager in croydon did it to me the whole thing was just you know your name's angela can you get a job in a bar i've always wondered what you do because there's'm going to get it for you No I've wondered

what you do because there must be loads of landladies called Angela There must be loads It's an old woman's name isn't it? It is

Fact And old people old pubs Anyway How disappointing would that be if you're there with a guy who you're genuinely worried about being abused by

and you go can I speak to Angela and someone goes yeah two seconds and then an old woman goes hello love my name's Angela. Also, it's such a common known thing now

that the man would just be like, what are you doing? I thought you were getting me a pint. Change the name. Here's a question. Do you know if you did have one more? Yeah. Do you reckon women would notice? Would they put a fake one in?

Nobody, even if they didn't? No. No. I reckon they'd notice. You'd never be able to teabag again. Why? Would they put a fake one in? Nobody, even if they didn't? No. No. You'd never be able to teabag again. Why? It's just you need both balls, don't you? You could do a wonky teabag.

What, do you? Hang on. Do you know when you get Ryan up? What about the goggles? What about the goggles? Say that again. Do you know when you get Ryan up on both sides? Yeah. Does it still Ryan up on both sides?

Or is one of them like flat? What's Rhino? Where your balls like, you know like when the wheels of a plane go in? When they're solid. And they go all like rough. And you're cold. They go like an elephant's trunk like texture.

And they're in. Right. And you get Fussy Dick. Oh yeah, yeah, Fizz Dick. Rhino Sack is the complementary to that. It'd help though, wouldn't it? Because it's still like puffed and bowed for. Or there's one flat.

Yeah, and we just discussed the Taliban. Just checking because they need notice. Is your ball all right? Kind of. Oh God,

Elliot. I went in for the surgery. But oh, my point was, was that I didn't want to tell my mum or dad I was going in for the surgery because I know they'd care. I know they'd be like, oh my point was was that uh i i didn't want to tell my mom or dad i was going in for the surgery because i know they'll care i know they'll be like oh my god fucking joking aren't you would they they would they would like i i can't deal with that sort of

like are you gonna be all right this so i told my lads comedian whatsapp group and it was the fucking best day of their lives and they're all friendly supportive guys i know those guys yeah oh not an ounce of sympathy, but that then made it funny to me. Yeah. And I was able to process what was happening because they were being assholes

because they were like just taking a piss that I was immediately like, all right, this is now a funny story. So I went in for the surgery. Is it local anesthetic or general?

Oh, I think it was a general. Did you get put to sleep? Yeah, I got put to sleep. Yeah, you don't want to watch someone deal with your balls, do you? That's what she's doing.

No, not locally. An operation on your balls. I want to be fast asleep. Go abroad. Did you stay in this country or get turkey balls? Lads always go turkey for your balls. The hair on it's growing amazingly. Here go fucking Bodrum balls.

So they put you a kip and then they start working on your bollocks. Well, before, okay, because I thought I was losing the testicle, right?

I, right. You didn't make a sample. No, okay. So, have you ever had like a family pet put down? You want us to give it

one last walk? Right, yeah, like one last stroke. You give it one last, like, wig. Yeah, yeah. What did you do with it one last walk? Right, yeah, like one last stroke. You give it one last like- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What did you do with it?

You cum? You're a cool bollocks though, aren't you? Well, I went in full, I'll give it one last- Oh, one last go on, lad. Like a sort of, you know- Yeah. A nice meal. A full-

Final meal. Yeah, yeah. And like, man, I'm looking at this testicle like George before he shoots lenny like fuck this is this is going like just i think of the czechoslovakian women on your phone like and uh and uh i'm sorry for the graphicness of this it was like summing out of a ramstein video i came so much blood right it's like loads like you know that scene from the shining where the elevator like that level i'm sorry i'm sorry and so i immediately go back down and was

like fucking we need to do this surgery like where were you wanking uh i'll just out in the corridor i'll let him know what was that no i went into the into the toilets you out in the corridor. I'll let them know what was up. No, I went into the toilets. You went in the hospital? Well, I clapped on a Thursday. That's how you... Yeah, and you got... Oh, mate. You know, I pay my national insurance, Kyle. I'm fucking...

You just blowed in a hospital. Oh. Yeah, I cleared that up. Oh. I cleared... I'm not a monster and then uh that must have been horrible consistency yeah no it wasn't uh i wasn't really too focused on uh on the consistency of it i feel viscous properly got to me this blood so uh i went up, I had the surgery. Now what happened?

I'll spare you the medical detail. No, you haven't. I'll spare you the rest of it. Turning soggy biscuit into a jam wagon wheel. Oh my God. What are you doing? Wagon wheel. Don't ruin Luke Combs I didn't realise we were using a jammy dodger

We weren't Come on Same though, isn't it a jam? You used a cum jam Did it hurt when you cum? No, the immediate shock of what was happening. Pick up line. Hey, love, did it hurt when you come?

Why? Because, you know, you fell from heaven and then come. Because, you know, fallen from heaven. If I show up, laugh at your people. Is your dad a jeweler when you come hello baby please tell me you've saved your

second testy yeah so it's they had to remove a little bit but it's all right they were like and the way they explained it to me

when i went for my my checkup a few months later is the guy literally grabbed a piece of paper and he went you see this piece of paper i went yeah he scrunched it up and then unraveled it and went it's still a piece of paper it's just a scrunched up piece of paper and i was like oh thank you for this beautiful analogy doctor um but what was really funny was after the surgery and that's your balls is scrunched up one of them just like the it's fine it works it's all good And that's your balls is scrunched up. Well, one of them just like, it's fine.

It works. It's all good. Can you feel it? But it's scrunched up. After post-surgery, I swear to God. So they give you codeine, laxative and antibiotic because they have to give you- What, a night?

They have to give you- So the codeine's for the pain, but that blocks you up. But the laxative is then to relieve you. The problem is because of where the scar was, I was like, oh, I don't really want to be on the laxative, so I won you the problem is because of where the scar was i was like oh i don't really want to be on the laxative so i won't take the codeine and i swear to god have you ever heard of like phantom limb yeah me mother right i had one leg she'd get like itchy toes on a foot that wasn't there i swear i had phantom bit of bollock like i could feel like it was like i can't describe it's like i could feel a little bit but it wasn't there like it was the bit that

i could feel it like phantom bollock pain yeah like i could feel you little bit, but it wasn't there. Like it was the bit that had been removed, but I could feel it like. Phantom bollock pain. Yeah, like I could feel. You had the bollock. That's just bollock pain. No, no, it was, I can't, I know, I know. But if you had it, if there was a way to. Oh, I've got phantom facing.

I've got it. Oh God. But the surgeon was like to me after the thing, he was going, yeah, you know, I'm really grateful to this guy. Like, I really am. But he was like, oh, when we scanned you, one of the things we were really worried about was actually it was a pretty normal surgery. It was fine. It wasn't as bad as we first thought.

The problem was, was on the scan, was there was a lot of blood. And we couldn't quite, like, see to the extent of the trauma and know about it. But then when we opened you up, there was less, there was less blood. And I had to just sit there and be like, God works in mysterious ways, don't he? Like it's mad how that happened. Oh, he jizzed it out. He jizzed his bollocks better. So that kind of, I think that in some way,

jerking off saved my... Life? Well, your life saved my testicle a little bit. Because I think if they opened me up, they weren't aware to the extent of the damage that had been done in there. Making my balls hurt. Elliot.

Oh, God. I consider you a really good friend and it's a pleasure to have you here. That is, we've been what episode number is this? two twenty something

223 is it? and about 120 no more about 150 now 150 patrons so nearly 400 episodes of this podcast and that is without any shadow without the worst 20 minutes I've ever had on it

I'm so glad that that story's over it was really good like it's gonna be really good content i just wish i wasn't here for it i apologize to the listeners but this is my truth i need five minutes we're not doing the next section i need to i need to lie down the i won't get if the post recovery was worse than that story. I won't tell you about that. Just quick question. Maybe I'm being thick. If you lose one of these testicles,

do you jizz half as much jizz? Does it work like that? Yeah, I guess. I guess it would do. That's where you store all the jizz, isn't it? So if you lose one, you've got half. I don't know. Or does lefty turn up?

Or does, don't only one of does lefty turn up? Or does... Don't only one of your balls work at a time? That's what I think. Like on a Tuesday, your left ball's doing its job. They do shift work. They do, yeah. I didn't know that. Holy shit.

Decreased semen production and quality. But it's still enough. Yeah. That's what it says. Yeah, but they do shift. So left is like, oh, fuck, he's left. That's what it says. Oh. Yeah, but they do shift. So left is like, oh, fuck, he's left. I never do Wednesdays.

He's got it with me. Fucking quit. Hey, mate, do you mind closing up? I've got to shoot off. My right is like, so he doesn't do Saturdays. Right is like, cover me Saturday.

I'm fucking out with the boys. Yeah, the post, the recovery was pretty awful i i can feel because because i've got um i i uh a while back i had epididymitis which is an inflamed cum pipe on the left testicle um is that is that the medical term they went oh you've got, when they said you've got an inflamed... When the doctor told me I had it, he said you've got an inflamed cum pipe on your left testicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said that sentence to me. He works in the... He said it can be caused by STDs, but we've checked it and you haven't got any, so it's not that. He works around the corner on the street. Round the back alley. Yeah, 20 quid cash an hour.

Dr. John. Inflamed cum pipe, that. But I can't see the difference. Adam's bragging he's gone private. But when I have a wank, I know whether it's come out of me left testicle or my right by whether it hurts a bit. Really?

Like last night before I went to sleep, it was me lefty doing the job because I was like, oh. Well, ladies, I'm pretty sure you've enjoyed this section. Let's have a little wank break. Last section. I's have a little wank break. Last section. I don't know.

You always do that, don't you? Fourth section of four. Fourth section of four. What are you drinking? They're done. For the mathematicians. Sneak. It's wicked.

What's it taste like? Lemons. And gojes. Like lemons or like lemon sweets? Tastes like lemon. Sorbet. I can smell lemons. It's a call forward to the Nashville special.

Very rare in the entertainment industry, that. Call forward. Sneak. Doing callbacks to jokes they haven't seen for two months. Sneak. What's the code word they haven't seen for two months. Sneak. What's the code word? We don't have a code. Just go on, press the link.

The link in the description and it'll take you to sneak so they know we've sent you. Be fast. I think it's changed, but yeah. Don't do that anymore. Sneak. It's really good. How are your Monday afternoons?

Miss cocaine? Sneak. My ADHD is gone today. I'm not even here anymore, so I hope this... I can see you still. Okay, I've got some stuff to kind of keep you occupied, hopefully. Isn't it remarkable that in the face of that, we have consistently done the longest-form podcast

of anyone in the UK for three years. But this podcast is essentially pressing play on one of our ADHDs and open for the best, isn't it? Yeah. Like, our job is to not stick on top of... How long did it... ...but to go as rogue

as you possibly can with it. For the person doing the brush with the camera. How long did we used to do when we started, when it was just... Was it an hour and a half we tried for?

Was it three half hours? You don't remember this but initially you wanted to keep it to about 40 minutes. 40 minutes yeah. And I said I wanted it to be at least an hour

every episode. That was two and a half pushing three. Dame Baptiste was three hours. When we were discussing building it. No.

Yeah. He's right. Genuinely he's right. I promise you he's right. What do you mean? I remember having the conversation with him saying that to you when I started. You were like yeah. do you mean? I remember having the conversation with him saying that to you

when I started. You were like, yeah, I want to give him... When? When we started, you wanted it to be about 40 minutes. I'll have messages on WhatsApp from where we were discussing it.

Receipts, lad. Wow. And I remember us having a conversation when I was like, let's try and be... We never kept it less than an hour. No, yeah. Because I went,

let's try and make it at least an hour. Well, fuck it. I cannot believe that. We can't. Sometimes our sections are 40 minutes. That last one was 50.

It's bloated now. Elliot's late, by the way. How we doing? He's having an argument about the format. Finn. Right.

Oh, no. Fun to watch live. Having an argument about format that we agreed three and a half years ago so this is from Steve O'Hare

he says alright lads my mate has a list of questions he asks to any new person he meets to decide whether he'll get along with them or not from the jump usually over a few drinks

are these questions genius or just a way to be too nosy about shit that doesn't matter hands up the questions are so I've got the questions this feels similar to what Carl does

I've watched Carl meet people on a night out and he asks very deep questions from the get-go. These aren't quite as deep. So number one, how do you eat a cream egg? I don't.

I don't like them. What? They give me headaches. Oh, mate, they're the best. They like tickle me throat and not in a good way. It's like a smoky sensation on the back of my neck.

It's too much sugar in a concentrated place. I lick it out like a veteran way. It's like a smoky sensation on the back of my neck. It's too much sugar in a concentrated place. I lick it out like a veteran lesbian. Yeah. Yeah. So you bite the head off or do you go for a kick?

I don't know if you know much about lesbianism. Can I just check? I think you're thinking about praying mantises. Oh, it's a classic, classic old thing. Lesbians bite the head

off their partner and then they go to town. You lick him. Like a praying mantis getting rid of his mate. You lick a cream egg out like a veteran lesbian. Question,

just for semantics here. Man, I've got the same hairstyle. Are you the veteran lesbian or is the cream egg the veteran lesbian? You said you lick it out like a veteran lesbian. So are you the veteran lesbian

who knows what it's doing or are you like this cream egg is a veteran the cream eggs always i better i better go to the cream eggs always like oh my god this is a mistake don't tell anyone i'll lose all my friends i know the kinder bueno i bite the back off and lick it off you know that when lesbians eat that but you like bite the bottom off lick it off that's what i know you mean yeah but i don't know what a lesbian's either, but you bite the bottom off. Lick it out. I know what you mean. Yeah. But I don't like cream

because they're too much. Okay, right. Number two, do you have socks on to sleep? No, because I'm not a paedophile. You're meant to. It's better for circulation. Oh, fuck off.

Do you? Occasionally. It's better for the circulation of indecent images. That's not what he meant. You keep this to 45 minutes. Good luck. No, shut it off.

What do you mean? It's not good. I can't believe you didn't want this going over an hour. Turns out three was right. Do you wear flight socks in bed? Don't socks stop? It's better for you. It's better for the circulation.

I'm just repeating. Otherwise we would have evolved socks. No. What? What? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Hang on. We're onto something here. We're absolutely onto something here. Anything you actually need, we would have evolved. Anything that's better for you, we would evolve eventually, correct? That's what evolution is. That's what Darwin said, lads.

That's not how natural selection works. Charlie was banging his fucking drum about in a Wig and Away game. Charles Darwin. anything we need we will evolve eventually he's so boring I know I know what he goes

let's do a chant about evolution leave it it's dull trying to make up a chant about giraffes necks being longer so they can access things

getting that going down the pub to get everyone in the mood you're telling me we evolved opposable thumbs but we haven't invented socks? We have invented socks. What?

What? What? What? What? What? You know what I meant. What? You know what I meant.

We've evolved opposable thumbs so we can pick stuff up like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like otherwise it's a fucking nightmare. You barely even picked that up. I know, exactly. What an awful, like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise it's a fucking nightmare. You barely even picked that up. I know, exactly.

What an awful... Look at... And I could have gripped that. No, but we would have... We couldn't have played FIFA. What about hard hats? We would be involved in them as well then. No, because you don't need a hard hat.

No, but it helps. You don't need socks. You don't need socks. It helps. That's what he said. It just helps with circulation. It helps with circulation. Bollocks. Bollocks.

Charles Darwin's a fucking Wigan fan and this is bullshit. Why are you wearing socks right now then? Well, to stop your feet sweating. Because he didn't evolve them. But that's what I mean. So why is it that you're wearing through one part of the day and not the other?

Because I don't want to be hot in bed because it makes me feel trapped. I think it's there because it helps with the blood flow because your feet are where most of the cold escapes from, I think. No, you wear socks at your feet. Don't sweat in your shoes.

What about your head, though? That's why you wear slippers. Do you wear socks on your head? No, but don't you lose a lot of... But apparently your head's got to be cooler to sleep. Yeah. Yeah, but then your feet don't. I have to be freezing to sleep.

Yeah, same. Yeah. Yeah, I don't mind socks in bed. This is, by the way, I'm just repeating something my hippie girlfriend says that changes weekly. Can't be free since I sleep. Yeah, same. Yeah, I don't mind socks in bed. This is, by the way, I'm just repeating something my hippie girlfriend says that changes weekly. Can't be listened to at all.

Does she wear socks in bed? Yeah. So you just copied? Yeah, pretty much. She wears socks on her feet and hands and elbows and her knees. She said it, and then I just never,

I'm just like, well, you read books, so I'm going to assume what you say is correct. Depends on the book, though, doesn't it? Where's Wally? We've all read it, though. They wear socks. I used to have a Beano subscription.

I wouldn't go listening to me about socks either. Subscription? Did you really? Yeah, I used to get it every week. How old? I can't remember. 18. I had a limerick printed in it as well. You're 27! What? I had a limerick printed in the beanie.

Oh no! He's told us! I had a brothererick printed in the beginning. He's told us. He's told us. I had a brother called Jack. He once got stuck in a sack. He couldn't get out, so he let out a shout and now he's got a bad back.

And I've been to a bat mitzvah. That last line doesn't scan. Why? At least we want more syllable, doesn't it? No. I know it's a really bad back. I've worked better. Imagine how much of a cunt

you'd have to be to work at the Beano and send his limerick back hello from everyone at the Beano that last line doesn't scan sort that out

you made Dennis cry right to the dandy you fucking idiot oh I was desperate Dan was the go for

me nah man Bass Street kids come on the Beano was the fucking one

no I liked it Dennis the medicine and ganasha I love throwing tomatoes at people's windows and that Come on. The Beano was the fucking one. No, I liked it. I liked it. Dennis the Menace. I liked it. I liked it. And ganache. I love throwing tomatoes at people's windows, don't I? I didn't actually do that for a bit.

Get cooking tomatoes. Fuck off. You're 28. My footie, you fat old cunt. Six months ago. Whoa. Last year.

Oh, God. What's the next question? Number four. Oh, yeah. Do you like mashed potato butties? Didn't know that was a question. No. Who's the paedophile now? Who's the paedophile now?

Who's the paedophile now? Is that a thing? That's not a thing. I'm hoping he wants us to say that because mashed potato on a butty doesn't work. It's too soft. Soft on soft. Chip butties work.

Trying to just get a conversation started. Yeah. Bollocks. Imagine it'd be all right on toast. Mashed on toast. Mashed on toast. Not great. I'm not saying it's...

It would be better just by the laws of soft and hard need to go together but it's still fucking... They still should like... You know like when they brought Cliff Richard in

because they thought he might be a paedophile because of U2. When they brought him in they should have offered him mashed on toast and gone, do you want that?

And if he'd said it they'd have gone, that's it, we've got him. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got him. 20 years. We've got him,

George Buck. We've got him. George Buck. We've got him. Cliff Richard. Mission accomplished. A plane flies in and lands. Do you want that? Yeah, we want to have it. Come on.

I love that the idea that there's a courtroom somewhere and a lawyer goes, just one last thing. And he just hands over and the person in the stand eats it and he goes, your honour,

I rest my case. And the jury just goes, ooh. Oh, shit. I think every other form of potato can go in. We went through this so many times. Why didn't you tell me you like mashed butties? Tell me everything in the future. Every other form of potato, no.

Chip butties are the ghost. I suppose roast potato butty roast potato butty absolutely unbelievable I've never

did you do you ever do a like a roast dinner butty the day after no I just used to have a

roast my mum used to do bread with every meal every meal we had like a plate of bread so with a roast

dinner I would squash a roast potato onto a piece of bread bit of salt and pepper on it bit of brown sauce the fact that you squashed it makes I would squash a roast potato onto a piece of bread. Bit of salt and pepper on it. Bit of brown sauce.

The fact that you squashed it, mate, I get it now a little bit more. You made it like mash. No, you squash it down. You made it like mashed potato. Squash it down. No, but it's got the crust of the roast potato. Get the skin of the potato out of it. If you're squashing a roast potato and it goes anything like mash, then you've undercooked your roast potato

and you need to sack the person who's made it. That's the bottom. No! No! No! Ah, you can cook. You never mentioned it. Nice. There you go.

Right, one more. So have you ever sucked a toe or had your toe sucked? Oh, is this what he does in conversation? This is what he does in conversation. To get conversation going. Yeah, in a club. Never open with that one though is it that's number six I don't do this

by the way slow down it just sounds like he's really into feet there's a lot of questions about like do you wear socks in bed

will you wipe me off with your feet yeah there's a lot his mate is Quentin Tarantino he didn't write that Rob Thomas' bit about his baby sucking his toe

it's very fucking funny I don't need people on my toes I'm ambivalent about it have you guys ever got a message of someone asking for pictures of your feet i'd sell them if you did though have you how do you think i got these shoes shut up you're absolute foot what smooth some guy some guy messaged me because i have like pictures up uh of like me at jiu-jitsu and stuff and like your feet out feet out he's like look i like these pictures of your feet

can i get you something right and i was like you can make a wish list and you you get a thing so i was like well i want these shoes i was like well you know my feet are out someone's gonna people have jerked off to me I imagine so you're like I might as well get I imagine that as well yeah you might as well get something for it Matt I just like providing a public service

it's like doing a cameo for someone's birthday just DM me on Instagram do you know what I mean you're more charitable than me how many pictures oh just the one and uh

one pic for a pair of fucking yeah and then um he was like it got a bit weird right because he was like oh you can also send me like he was like into this weird sub thing where he was going you can send me like homophobic abuse and stuff and i was like mate i'm not i'm not gonna accept money can

i have it i was like dude beat me on fifa i'll yell that down the playstation what a great way to get cancelled in 2023 if he just screenshots all the abuse and you're like he said he paid for trainees that's what my fault was i was full what if this dm conversation gets leaked it's already bad enough but when i'm there going oh no he was into that pardon keep him on retainer yeah and then, but I was away when the shoes arrived. So like the conversation had been me like discussing this and him being like all sub about it. And then cause I was away,

I had to like message back like, oh, hey mate, you haven't got the tracking ID for that post service. Cause they've delivered the note. You haven't sent it by Hermes have you? Oh, this is real homophobic abuse. I'm not doing this because you like it.

I actually hate you now, you fucking... So I don't... If you said it, you know, that's you. Yeah. I didn't say... I don't know any homophobic slurs.

That's what I said. Numpty. Would you have done... I'd absolutely do it. In a heartbeat. Yeah. Yeah. If you have done it? I'd absolutely do it. In a heartbeat. Yeah. If you want to buy pictures of my feet for actual money,

what's your price? 20 quid. What? Per toe. Oh. That's how he gets you. You're like putting like blaze over your toes when you send 40 quid.

You want me whole foot? 150 quid. I love that in a few weeks. My feet are disgusting. No one wants my feet, mate. Oh, You've got the whole foot. £150. I love that in a few weeks. My feet are disgusting. No one wants my feet, mate. Oh, it's discounted. Economies of scale. It's £100 for a picture

of the toes. It's not the whole foot. Yeah. £150. £200 for both feet. And I'll do something with the feet, like stand on a booty

or something for like three times. I love the fact that you're going to be in here next week going, so if you have a word 20 on the OnlyFans, you get 20% off my foot imagine if you're

if your new twitch thing just becomes only fans and you're just a feet thing I don't give a fuck I said to Seneca she can sell pictures

of her feet if her face isn't in it if she wants to if someone's stupid enough to do that if anything that's an easier picture to take them with her

face it's not what I meant get that on the wide lens there to be fair she's she's very bendy she's supple

she is a supple lady former gymnast yeah you're telling me yeah I'm telling you gold medal I couldn't believe

when they turned up I show on all these by the way Olympic she can get more than just a face and a feet pic anyway I couldn't believe when they turned up. I show on all these, by the way. Olympic. She can get more than just a face and a feet pic anyway. Elliot, carry on. But yeah, I was just like, yeah, all right, then, mate, you can have it.

Really enjoyed that. Yeah, it's a... But I don't know. 250 quid a pop, I'll do feet pics. Bumhole, you're looking at a grand. We'll hold both together. I'm all about some reels. It's Seneca's camera. No, with this, I just ask people...

Do you reckon anyone's ever, like, going to do, like, a buy-mall pick to send it to someone or something, and then, like, the person would... It must have happened just by the number that someone's going, hey, I just see something in there. I think you need to go

get like checked out surely that's happened where it's been like a doctor or someone who knows something about medicine I think this happened to Larry Dean I think Larry Dean sent like a dick pic

to a fella and the fella was like you need to get this checked and then there was something there it's a lab Bible poster isn't it lad sends pictures of dicks she saves his life because he was like

if I send a foot pic they're gonna go what's that lump on your left foot can we have a look at your foot can we have a look just show them under the table can I have a look at your lump can I have a look

at your purple testicle yeah he didn't even blink it's upsetting me Dan he seems like he's been waiting a lifetime to be asked that oh come on

you sorted life insurance no I didn't wait he sorted our life insurance out yesterday we want to know what your ail be asked that. Oh, come on. You sorted life insurance. Boo! No, I didn't wait. You sorted our life insurance out yesterday. We want to know what your ailments are before we sign anything. Come on, let's have a look. What do you mean? I want to see your lump.

I'm not going into a contract with you. Dan, get your lumpy foot out. Unless I know what your ailments are. Get your lumpy foot out. It's very important. Dan, get your lumpy foot out. It's very important. Dan, get your lumpy foot out.

For that life insurance. What lump? Oh, shit. Shut up. Dan, get your lumpy foot out. For that life insurance. What lump? Oh, shit. Shut up. Dan, shut up. Get your lumpy foot out. I'm not getting a lumpy foot out. Get your lumpy foot out. No, I don't want it. I'll show you me balls. I don't want to see your balls. That's not a good swan. Okay, get your lumpy foot out

or I'll show you me balls. Better. Come on. I don't want to get my lumpy foot out. I want to see it. But it can't be foot picked. Okay, can I just see it? Come on. Go on. Yeah to get my lumpy foot out. I want to see it. But it can't be foot picked. Okay. Can I just see it? Come on. Go on.

Yes. Well done, Dan. Everyone applauds. We can't not do it. Well done, Dan. You're so brave. Thank you. Wait, Adam, react.

No, take your foot off. He's taking his shoe off. He's taking his shoe off. Audio listeners, you're just going to have to imagine. Or you're watch the YouTube. Oh, shit. Oh, Adam's mouth is wide open. He's very shocked.

What are you messing? Oh, shit. Is it bad? Let me have a look. Dan, don't put it on there. I don't even want to have a look. What the fuck? Dan, what the fuck it on there. I don't even want to have a look. What the fuck? Dan, what the fuck?

Go to the hospital? Who would have thought out of the medical stories told today that your one would trump mine there, Dan? That's incredible. Dan! That's been there for how long? It moves, you know. Did you see it move it?

It waved at me. Okay. And that's been there for what, three months? Second pair of these. Yeah, cool. Just get... I don't need a pension, do I? Second pair of these. Yeah, cool. Just get, don't care. I don't need a pension, do I?

So I might as well treat myself. You know, because I'm going to die. Please go and get that looked at. That is so much waste. I thought it was. I thought it was just like a white, like a heat lump. Adam would have cancelled the podcast if he had that on his foot. Yeah. Fully.

I'm fine. Have you gone and got it looked at? No. He's had it for three months. But why not? Because he's a man, isn't he?

I get where you're coming from. I know what you mean. It's a ganglion cyst. purple testicle for three days. And you know how I know that? Three people tweeted me. Put it on your Instagram story. We had the other woman

who was very serious about it one woman got in touch and was like oh my fella I want one of them and he died three months later

well I will because of her I am getting it checked when? you've been saying this for two months I don't know

doctor in the NHS isn't it fuck the Tories maybe it's I don't know Finn what's the next question we need to round the... Let's really take a win out of ourselves.

Have we got time for some overrated, underrateds and then... Make the most of me. Dan. Let's make it good this... Hit the yellow button, sir! Dan. I'm gonna hug Dan a little bit extra tight when I leave. Has no one ever had a lump on their foot?

Not for that long. Yeah, they have. But not for long, because they die. That's why you've never heard about it. Don't live to tell their story. So, this one's from Mark Cullen. Overrated or underrated?

Underwear? Underweighted. Overwidened? Underwidened? Wine and champagne. Oh, overrated. Champagne is so overrated. They're both overrated, but they're also both nice champagne. Oh, overrated. Champagne is so overrated. They're both overrated,

but they're also both nice. But they're overrated. People spend so much money on champagne just for the flex. Wine is what... You've got to know a little bit about wine for it to make sense. And I think like most of the people in it

don't know enough, so they're being conned. What are you talking about? I know wine. I know if you're buying a bottle, you know, you get them about a seven pound bottle. But's but that's meant to treat them and then you tell them this isn't one of the fucking three pound fifty ones this is a seven pound on offer

down from eight pound fifty twelve quid bottles of wine you get what twelve quid mate i literally only buy wine for my mother-in-law oh she's the only and i always i feel like the eight around the eight pound on offer down from nine twelve quid you will change your life for the sake of four pound there's so much better like i like a good red wine i do i like like 12 crimes or whatever it's called beyond elliot there they're quite good then they're always eight quid they're like eight nine quid so what what happens to a bottle of wine to be worth 300 quid it's to do with uh uh one of the crystal palace or people investing crystal palace made his money in wine he was basically telling us one time it's to do with like you really have to know your shit once

you start hitting above 60 70 pound like the palette the notes all of that you have to actually study it whereas so anyone who doesn't study it and is then like i bought an eight pound bottle of wine oh my god you could they're just buying into marketing they're just buying into this cost this amount so it must be worth this if you're a wine expert it's all about a crop like if they have a perfect crop one so that's when when they go oh my god it's bordeaux 2015 yeah that if you really know your wine you're like that was like the next year yeah it's like euros and it wasn't as good because no one was concentrating. Is it? France went out to Switzerland and they just burnt the field.

Your champagne's so overrated. So, so, so. If someone asks you about a champagne at a party and it's free, I usually just put it down. I do like champagne as well, but again, it is overrated.

I think it's a bit over... I find it's do you have that thing a little bit where a bit of your brain is like oh this is so I'm going to sneer at it because then I steal the defeat

of not having to I snatch the loss if that makes sense like I'm losing on my terms by not bothering to enjoy this oh no with champagne if I'm offered it for free I don't like the taste

but yeah being being poor I was like yeah like at the comedy awards enjoy this oh no with champagne if i'm offered it for free i don't like the taste but yeah you're drinking being poor i was like yeah it's like at the comedy awards that was all i drank all night at the comedy awards when i thought we were just drinking champagne i was like this is going to be shit when the kid came around with a tray of peroni it was so such a nice moment i nearly kissed him fucking i honestly thought we were going to be there pretending to eat, drink champagne the whole night. I asked the guy because they'd stopped giving out the free champagne.

But I saw someone else had some. So I called the guy over and I went, can I get some champagne for it, please? Because everyone else was getting Peroni. He was like, yeah, that'll be 130 pounds, please. So I was like, no, okay, I'm good. Because it wasn't champagne. It was sparkling wine

which we got for free when you order can I have a bottle of champagne that's in the charge if you just ask for some fizz they just give you it for free yeah and it's the comedy world

so somewhere in that building someone had gone oh yeah everyone was buying it a bottle of champers yeah android phones overrated or underrated

I honestly poo I will get my lump check before i change to an iphone wow really so it's a long time on both i went i went uh from iphone to android and in the minute i came off uh samsung went back to iphone it was so much better it's just so much better iphone android phones are overrated because they should be rated on the same level as using a fucking a cup on a string

yeah a cup on a string if they are they were made for goths is that is that your go-to for everything at the moment

yeah because goths don't know champagne posh goths no champagne's not for goths android phones are yeah

oh look I can change my background and download stuff that you can't I might as well have a floor length leather coat and fucking black eyelashes yep might as well have a floor-length leather coat and fucking black eyelashes.

Yep. Might as well. Get up from that. And Stone Island, you man goth. I love how much that pissed everyone off. What do you mean, goth? Yeah, Androids are just so inferior to iPhones.

They're absolutely great. Cue the comments. Stone Island got us a lot of comments actually a lot of messages people fucking email and they're going no lad look fucking stone island thing it's fucking sick i'd look i wordy and i'm sound sent from my fucking android phone all the people are commenting on actually iphone just does things three years after samsung so the shite i think androids are better if you bother to learn and use the technology.

Like it's got all these extra features that it can do. The thing is, I'm not going to learn to do that. I'm just going to play like Hearthstone and Angry Birds and occasionally take a picture. I don't need to hack into the fucking mainframe. Androids are shit, Finn. Literally preference. Right, okay.

Let's have a word to finish this off. Green, have a word. Yeah, goth. Have a word. Yeah, do you want to have a word? Right, okay. Let's have a have a word to finish yourself. They do. Green, Texas. Yeah, goth. Have a word? Yeah, do you want to have a word? Yes, please. I've not been doing very well with these today,

but I think I'm going to nail it. Yeah. If you'd like to send more have a words, haveawordpod at gmail.com. Harry Robinson will look at them, then I'll look at them, and then give them to Finn.

I'm on the way out. So this is from Jesse. Can you have a word with all the girls, and I include my mates in this, that turn every social event we go to into a fucking Instagram press shoot? Endless pics, retakes, and posing. On Android phones!

Sorry. You wouldn't bother? I'm a lady, as Dan would say, but even I find it annoying. Have a word, lads. I it annoying have a word i can't have a word with these people because i am those girls yeah it is yeah it'd be pretty everyone in here makes content to some degree but i would argue this you ticket selling tickets and like promoting like an actual brand or a thing like that is very different to everyone going oh my god be jealous

of us we're at an all bar one and that's what a lot of them do is they going, oh my God, be jealous of us. We're at an all bar one. And that's what a lot of them do is they're like, oh my God, could you imagine? They always post like really attainable things. Are you ever seen someone be stood at a Wagamama's and then there's a comment going, my haters don't want to see me thrive. And they're like, it's like 15 quid.

What are you fucking on about? I can achieve that. That's doable. I can go to Wagamama's. You will one day. I believe in you. One day I'll do it. I know what you're saying. You. You will. I believe in you. One day, I'll do it. I know what you're saying.

You are a bit of a, when you want a picture doing, you do check to see that it's all right. But you don't stop a night out and having fun to go, like I've seen nights out where every 15 minutes there is a stop to do pictures

and all of the fun stops because they're doing the that's i don't mind someone going i'd like a nice picture and then checking that carries on because they all go oh send me and also it makes sense if you've got 70 80 000 fucking instagram followers or whatever like all of a sudden when i put a picture on instagram i'm at 30 000 you're like i do want it to look all right but i don't stop a fucking night out mid flow to go let's take more pictures that i find that annoying have you ever noticed the worst one i've found is i've noticed this when i've been out but also when i've been playing gigs is people will be sat on

their phones looking miserable and then someone will start filming and they will perk up immediately. Oh. Yeah. Ew. There's something very... Social media's fake, isn't it? Yeah. We need to ban it, man. Go back to Amish times. Yeah, I'm going back to Amish times. I've got a string and a fucking... If there's a referendum to ban social media,

would you vote yes? No. I need it for work but we should that's the other side we should do it but I wouldn't vote for it that's

that's the other side of it is people who do then get annoying going like social media is ruining everything and you're like

things weren't grand before social media like it wasn't all okay just before social media also don't tweet that social media is dog shit on a social media platform give just fuck off oh yeah there's always don't do your fake breaks

do you know what do you think you'd be happy living in an amish community no i could categorically say that i'm gonna be shit at raising a barn raising a barn yeah correct answer i'm gonna i i can't do manual labour. I should be dead. Natural selection should have killed me off. No socks, dead. That's what I should be. I'm not going to do well in a community that works on everyone has to pull their own weight.

I want someone else to pull a bit of my weight and then I can just sort of skip ahead through my dad. You could end up infiltrating the army and leading them. Lead them into technology, then? Lead them into war. That'll go well. With the wooden swords.

I'd only join an Amish community if my dad had already sorted out a load of things for me in the Amish community. I would really play the Nepo baby thing. They're like, hey, yeah, I know. Amish Nepo baby. Yeah, I know my dad, but my dad's in control of the crops so like i'm gonna

sit this out or we all starve so let's are there any famous amish people yeah no they just don't do social media no but there's a nobody who's like an infamous amish play in arnold de caprio oh yeah forgot sorry yeah the famous um amish basketball player? Kobe? Reggie Miller. Kobe? No, I don't recognise any of these names. Oh, Verne Troyer. Which is an odd one. What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Verne Troyer is an Amish dwarf. I'm not having it. He's dead for one. Yeah, but it's 10 most famous people from the game.

It means they disrespect the memory of your hand. Don't you talk about my favourite Amish dwarf like that. You just say he's still alive. Take that back. Yeah. He was a little more Amish. He grew up Amish.

I rejected it. Short Amish. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. short armish oh oh oh oh come on oh

that's the VAR ruling oh absolutely onside yay oh go end of the episode Elliot tell people

where they can find you you can't be anywhere you can find me on Instagram at Elliot Still and Twitter at Elliot Still Com I've also got a podcast BTEC Philosophers which I do with

the very funny Michael Diwale and I'll be at the Fringe and when it's got I've got a show Top Secret for anyone on May 1st when like this goes out

that night it will be doing a preview of that show that will be at Edinburgh beautiful I'm yawning apologies I'm going on tour

there's loads of tickets left if one more person gets a touch and goes this place is sold out no there's one place that is sold out which is Carlisle

London one of the shows is sold out the second one is nearly sold out but there's two more in London you can get tickets there

Liverpool is nearly sold out but there's like 300 tickets left to Big Old Room everywhere else has got tickets if Ticketmaster says it is sold out check there's still like 300 tickets left to big old Rome everywhere else has got tickets if Ticketmaster says it is sold out check my website

or the venue website and you'll be able to get tickets my tour is on sale now it starts the end of August runs through September October and November

closing off on November the 22nd at the Philharmonic I've also got some previews in smaller gaffs July and August that's danspreviews.com for the previews

dannightingale.com for the tour and we are in Birmingham have a weird live we're doing live podcast shows on Thursday the 8th 11th

11th Thursday the 11th of May Birmingham there's a couple of hundred tickets left there come and see us there it's going to be a great show there's also tickets left

in Glasgow and Dublin Newcastle is basically sold out now if great show. There's also tickets left in Glasgow and Dublin. Newcastle is basically sold out now if you want to get the last few tickets in Newcastle. Tickets for all the Have A Word Live shows and links to mine and Dan's website are at haveawordlive.com. Go and get them.

And there are, if you're watching this on Saturday or Monday, there's probably quiz tickets left for this coming Monday, Monday the 1st. If you're the Patreon watcher on Saturday morning, snap the last tickets up. If you want to be a part of a Patreon special.

It's actually very unlikely there'll be any tickets left there, to be honest with you. So do go and check that. It was posted on Patreon. It's been posted on social media.

They'll wear tickets now. We end every episode with a song. Which is a good thing. We loved it. Someone messaged me today and was like, if you really hate

the song so much, why don't you just get rid of it? Jokes, innit? Just jokes. Bantas. But this is a good one. Yeah, so this one is Dan's sent to me. So this is a band called The Accident Group

and the song is called The Myth of Sisyphus. I love this. Sisyphus is what Dan's got in his foot. What kind of music is it? what kind of music is it uh it's sort of low-key lo-fi hi-fi oh it's the kind that your mate sends you on whatsapp yeah yeah yeah like right mate could you just help me out oh so but like low-fire, like, low-fire hi-fi? Low-fire hi-fi? Yeah, low-key. Like opera funk?

Sort of techno. Ave Maria, sitting in a tree, drinking on my beer, that's Ave Maria. Like that? Two pints? What? Whenever I don't get a reference.

Not two pints. There's been a couple in this episode that have been two pints. Ah, nice. Yeah, that was one. That was two p reference. Not two points. There's been a couple in this episode that have been two points. Ah, nice. And that was one. That was two points. You fucking rat. I'll push the button.

More. No, see you later. Bye. Push the boulder, Sisyphus Don't even think about giving up Push the boulder, Sisyphus All the way to the mountaintop Cause now the path is clear Gotta be in it to win it

Have a thing on your career Cause it's tough like dog fun Don't plug yourself up like a bootstrap Do it again Nobody ever died to our ground Do it again It's absurd but it's tough Do it again

You're just not working hard enough Watch the baby roll Reset yourself with a gentle stroll Watch the baby roll Cos there's no more scattering on that rolling stone You know he must be happy He's a cheeky chappy You know he must be happy

He's a cheeky chappy Push the boulderers, it's a fest Don't even think about giving up Push the boulders, it's a bike All the way to the mountaintop Cos now the path is clear Gotta be in it to win it Have a think on your career Cause he's hot like the sun

So plug yourself up like a bootstrap Do it again Nobody ever died without a crown Do it again It's absurd but it's hard Do it again You're just not working hard enough Watch that baby roll

Reset yourself with a gentle stroll Watch that baby roll? Is there no more scattering on that rolling stone? You know he must be happy He's a cheeky chappy Oh he must be happy He's a cheeky chappy Walking down the mountain I catch a glimpse of myself from afar

And if there's a purpose I'm uncertain How did all of this start? Is this the punishment or the cure? And I am the boulder and the boulder is me I am the mountain and the sky And through the death I shall conquer you Watch the baby roll I shall conquer you Japanese