Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #223 with Michelle de Swarte - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 7, 2023

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What's happening lads, how are we? I don't know about you, but my nipples are tingling, which means this week's episode is going to be a bell set. Do you know what's going to be even better though? Why don't you tell them that? A live show, a podcast live show. The first one outside London and Liverpool, Birmingham, Thursday the 11th of May, 2023. Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham, we've got a couple of hundred tickets left, and it is the first show outside of Liverpool and London and we are going big when I tell you we got some special guests lined up for this one oh you do not want to miss it you can go to haveawordlive.com right now snap those tickets up we also got shows coming up in Newcastle Dublin and Glasgow he's on tour I'm on tour haveawordlive.com for all of the live show also if you haven't signed up to our Patreon yet,

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in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have a word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go, Ed. Get on. Hello. Literally, as you pressed it, it went to 11.12. to you by Manscaped.com the very best in below the belt men's grooming go Ed get on

hello oh literally as you press it it went to 11.12 I fucking it's gonna be a shite episode Carl wanted us to go

on 11.11 because that's the number where women are like hey my god 11.11 make a wish and you make a wish I just saw it and thought you know

it'd be nice to press the button and as you pressed it it went to 11.12 so we all know what happens now not good thing so 11-11

we all get a wish yeah no we can't now if you wish now 11-12 you're fucked yeah someone gets a wish

against you right I'm big into these things you know you're not superstitious at all are you walking over grids wow

do you do all three oh why I'm a grid maverick mate what for I'm Walking over grids. Wow. Do you do all three? Oh. Why? I'm a grid maverick, mate. What for? I'm on the grids. What do you do? I am the grid.

I'm the Matrix, mate. I'm Neo. He just doesn't care, does he? It doesn't matter. It doesn't affect your day. You just move out the way of the last one. You know what? I don't know.

Just in case. Why tempt the gods? Just in case the grids do what? The gods could smite you down. You know, what have you heard? When have you heard of someone stepping on three grids... The gods do what? The gods could smite you down? Yeah, but what have you heard? When have you heard of someone stepping on three grids and then they get shot by...

No wonder you're going to step on a third grid and it's going to give in and you're going to fall to the fucking depths of hell. And we're going to be stood there going, told you. Are we teabagging you? Yeah, I think.

And I'm suing someone. Yeah. If that third grid leads to the depths of hell, we're getting a fucking payout. Who got the planning permission for that? I Whoa!

Well that's a reveal. The devs need planning permission. You'd expect better at L1. I think because it's the the odds isn't it? The odds are increasingly falling through a grid

the more you walk over. What? I think that's what the superstition comes from. So there's some weird Bet365 grid god watching like we've got to get the odds.

Ray Winston. Would you walk over a thousand gr. Ray Winston. Would you walk over a thousand grids? Yeah. Would you? What in grids? It's got nothing to do with that for me.

If you could walk next to it instead, would you walk over the thousand? No, but I don't walk over one grid either. I walk over two. Yeah, me too.

I'm the same. Hang on. This isn't superstition. You just don't trust grids. You've taken a superstition and gone, Matt, grids. It's meant to be superstition.

You're going, I don't trust fucking grids. I don't trust grid makers. The internet's not working. You're a joke. Oh, fucking hell. He's off the grid. Hey.

I let on to magpies, you know. I don't... What did you do to magpies? I let on. Let on? You haven't heard that phrase? I'm letting on. I'm here, mate,

and I'm fucking watching you. Are we nearly three years into... No, to let on. To let on. I was like, are we letting on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you genuinely never heard that before?

I sort of have, but to let on is like to let on that you're there. I suppose it's the same thing. Let on is to say hello, essentially. All right. If somebody's like, you're like,

Magpie, you're there. What if the Magpie ignores you because he's a cunty Magpie? The Magpie's always ignoring me. That's not the point. Do you do the certain amount? If there's too many, you don't do it. So if there's one magpie I let on,

if there's two, I say two for joy out loud. If it's any of the other numbers, I count and see which, what the thing is. What? So if there's 27 magpies, you go...

No, but it doesn't go that high, does it? And who's ever seen 27 magpies? And who counts them? Yeah. You go to your missus stop throwing trill in the garden trill what the hell one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy five for silver six for gold seven for the secret never to be told what's what's a boy what what do you mean a boy i don't know he doesn't know it's just shit he heard from old people

and now he's doing it so far as a boy yeah like maybe you're gonna have a boy maybe you're gonna meet a boy who's like gonna be your mate maybe you're gonna boy maybe you're gonna bum a boy maybe you're gonna get bummed by like one for sorrow one for joy i would like to bum a boy little drummer boy mr magpie cool yeah i do i'm gonna do that from now on you've got none no nothing

not a single thing do you like put your do you put a certain sock on first what I put my right sock on first and my shoe on first

I don't know why but I do I never don't I notice you are a crazy lady I have to start every set of

walk on my right foot and end it on my left. Yeah, I always finger my wife with my ring finger first. It's a weird one. Would you ring finger? Oh, there's not much power in that. Yeah, I know, but it's just a superstition. It's a family thing. It's been passed on from generation

to generation. I remember my gran saying, you know, always use that finger first. Lucky, then you'll marry. Yeah. It's a family thing thing it's a present thing I've never told you about that in three years you only finger the one

you want to marry god you guys that is going to be a bad fingering isn't it it can't even yeah there's no power in it yeah but then again

it is part of the greatest twosome in fingering history yeah oh is it yeah but the middle one's carrying a lot of the weight oh yeah yeah yeah

and he's just like tagging along for the ride the middle one's carrying a lot of the weight oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's fucking and he's just like tagging along for the ride the middle one's doing the this is this is Eric Morecambe that's Ernie Wise

yeah but look this one there's a reference for all our young listeners Trill and Trill all our listeners are like fucking hell

there we go Morecambe and Wise they were great have you looked at nothing in your life and you go I've got to do that it's just a part of your day

there is a superstition there's a difference between superstition and routine isn't there yeah he's like the most OCD but he's not doing it to please the gods

he's doing it to please himself what do you do to please yourself except for masturbate yeah he cleans up doesn't he you're always fucking tidying.

One of my superstitions is a seatbelt. A seatbelt. I just put it in a car. Mad. I just put the seatbelt on, click it in, and I'm like, oh my God, one crash for Thor. Do you wear a seatbelt in the back of a taxi? Do you know what?

I genuinely judge it on the driver and the car. Sometimes, yes. But not in a black cab because they're invincible in an Uber or in a minicab yeah because that's just a car

abroad it goes out the window yeah abroad I'm not going off the windows I never ever put a seatbelt on if I'm in the back seat I don't know why but I just feel like you're safe it's fine yeah well I'm in the back seat. I don't know why, but I just feel like... You're safe.

It's fine. Yeah. Well, I'm going to die and I'll kill everyone else as well. I honestly thought, as we got on a taxi one night, you in Nashville, you got in and didn't buckle up. As I buckled up, I was like, why am I buckling up? Because if we crash, I'm going to get killed by a flying Adam Rowe. And that's sort of how I want to go.

I like the person behind me to buckle up. I kept telling Jack off. Yeah. Because I was like... We're all traumatised from Julie Newey killer, aren't we? I don I want to go. I like the person behind me to buckle up. I kept telling Jack off. Yeah. Because I was like, we're all traumatised from Julie Newair killer, aren't we? I don't want to know me killer. Jack off. Was that an advert?

Yeah. Julie Newair killer. And it was just this son or something. So it must have worked. And he stabbed her. Yeah. I don't want to go to bed. Yeah, the thing is,

you drive home fine and you just get in and blows it up. Those fucking adverts are bullshit. The Think Motorbike one, we're like, did you see it? And they go to the lights and he turns right

and there's defo no motorbike there at all. And then on the next clip, he's like, look again, and there's a motorbike. I'm a motorbike! Yeah, he's got about

400 miles an hour. That's like, what can you do? Think Motorbike. No, that stuck with me, that one. I don't want to know my killer. And also the mobile phone one, have can you do? Think motorbike. No, that stuck with me, that one. I don't want to know my killer. Yeah, I know.

And also the mobile phone one. Have you seen that? So, like, it's the... The mobile phone advert. No, for crashing. She looks down on the mobile and answers it. And there's an elephant. And then she crashes and dies.

And the fella's like, hello, are you there? And he's, like, getting upset and she's dead. And she's like, no, I'm dead. Oh, God. It's probably hack, but the little girl one traumatised me when I was little. Stop hitting me. If you hit me at 20, I'm all right. If you hit she's like no I'm dead oh god it's probably hack but the little girl one traumatised me

when I was little stop hitting me if you hit me at 20 I'm alright if you hit me at 30 I'm fine if you hit me at 40 I'm dead

it's slow mo with a kid getting fucking bonneted into the air she's like she's looking right down the camera she fucking dabs

if you hit me at 120 you're in the Guinness Book of World Records it's a 20 zone yeah they work though If you hit me at 120, you're in the Guinness Book of World Records. It's a 20 zone. Yeah. They worked out. We remember them all.

I don't remember the one that you said. The phone one. It fucking... I remember being really angry at your mum because I called her. Not knowing where she was and she answered. I was like, are you driving?

Since before it was really bad. And I put the phone down now and never answered it if you're driving. She's like, okay, sorry. She's a proper snooker, me. Good adverts. Going back to superstitions,

I reckon you've, you do the lawn in a specific way. That's what I imagine. Put his pants off. Yeah, because I don't want to anger the turf gods because they will smite me.

None of it's superstition. Am I wrong though? Do you do it in a specific way i guarantee he does it in a specific way but it's not because he's like oh i've got to do this he's just like oh i've got to do it this way because i've always done now we're talking systems systems get on me i will let on to systems make your life work better. That's not superstition. Dad, what? Is JK Rowling the turf god?

Oh. Trans exclusion, any radical feminist. Yeah, and that's why I mow the pride flag into my lawn every time. I don't know where I get the pink dye from, but I make it work. Go on, watch your system. You've got to be careful that no one confuses that for Russia when it's all green. It's a different message isn't it um i uh what systems oh yeah you've got to mow the lawn in a certain way there you go then you have got these things i'll talk you through it i go once around the edge and then i go twice around the edge that creates a sort of frame a border and

then when i've gone around twice i then stuck the a border and then when I've gone round twice I then stuck the lines in and then obviously you've already mowed on that edge part because obviously you can't struggle so

you get a turning circle for the lines where you've already cut have you got a sit on one? what? have you got a sit on mower? how well do you think we're doing?

I know what are you doing? you've definitely got a sit on mower Dan you've got like seven cars it's not out of the realms? You've definitely bought a sit-on mower. Dan, you've got like seven cars. Hang on. It's not

out of the realm of possibility. You've got a fucking sit-on mower. You bought a BMW for a week last year and it was like, I'm bored,

so I'm like... And a Jag. Hang on. That's not a ridiculous question. The Seat is not the problem. I haven't got

How else are we going to do it? I think I've fucking made the money buying a Nike and a Adidas no I'm a goaler man I'm staying that way

goaler he's never done my voice like that hello I'm Don Nightingale that is what you sound like I've got a fucking Jag a BMW and a ride on

moo I haven't got the lawn to justify a a ride on. It would look insane if I trundled it out of the garage, started it up. Oh shit, it needs a service, a bit of fuel. Be around in four minutes

and Laura would probably divorce me. Why, she can have a go. Although there is a green on the front, the council aren't mowing it. I have thought about... No, then you're a paedophile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is number 17 on his ride on m green on the front the council aren't mowing it I have thought about now then you're a paedophile yeah yeah yeah why is number 17

on his ride on mower oh I know but Oliver across the road plays football on it and he's like literally playing in fucking dandelions how old is he I don't know

he must be about 10 but you appreciate your neighbour that does the stuff for the community yeah we just get on a ride on mower I know but we've already got one of those

haven't we fucking Martin Martin the cunt oh he's an absolute that's not his real name is it that blew my mind yeah it is his real name I know, but we've already got one of those, haven't we? Fucking Martin. Martin the cunt. Oh, he's an absolute... That's not his real name, is it? That blew my mind. Yeah, it is his real name, Carl. Well, it doesn't matter if it isn't

because there's lots of other names. Yeah, there is. Oh, yes. There's two names. It's Lucinda. I can't be that guy. I can't get a lawn because the council came around

we're going to plant loads of shrubbery in it and just let it grow and everyone booted off and went can we just have a little green where the kids can play football and they were like right okay fine but we're not going to cut it much and I in protest nearly bought a ride on lawnmower but then I am the absolute hard on going

I'm doing it for the community I don't think there's a problem with that. I'm all for that, me. I'd love a ride on my way eventually when I've got a big garden. I can't imagine having to buy an extra parking space in your flat. I know, I'll take the bunk,

but this doesn't make sense, love. Please don't mow in the corridors. There is a new rule. No, what you do is, because you like the biggest and best, you buy like a tractor or like a combine harvester. This'll do it.

Oh, and then there's just a line of tractors. Yeah, that's an old tractor. I've got a new tractor. I've lost the keys to that one. Oh, that one's, I just don't know. I've never liked it in green. I've got a red one. You don't need two tractors.

No, I do. Fuck off. I don't think I'm as frivolous as you lot make out. Oh, come on. Oh, I've just hydrated myself. I know, that coffee is from Pret, so. Yeah. Yeah.

I get my money's worth out of that subscription, mate. Easily. And I get my money's worth out of sneak hydrate. Are you going to be like a home guy yet? Like a proud of me home with a mow the lawn and shit? Yeah. You're not going to get a gardener yeah yeah he is

I might get an assistant yeah yeah yeah but he's working to my instructions you know what I mean oh get mine get mine former pill head Neil

he's absolutely amazing hello Dan what are you doing hello literally text him the night before are you coming this week I might come Thursday

turns up Wednesday morning hello please don't please don't do the front lawn we've got some Chelsea van we've got some seat down hello

hello gardening gardening don't break them ones he's just on his phone he's like he's got his little team mowing

and he's like constantly team oh he's got a little team you have a team of gardeners but you can't get a ride on the line blitzkrieg how well do you think we're doing we've got a little team you have a team of gardeners but you can't get a ride on mower blitzkrieg

oh well do you think we're doing we've got a fucking eight man gardening team we've got a ride on mower they're not on PAYE I just rang a guy who was called Neil and he turns up

with his son and his mate they're all sound I genuinely really like a son you got a son I think he's got a son yeah oh oh yeah

because he sounds you know like a he's great I really like him. Oh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he sounds, you know, like a... He's great. He's still kind of feminine. I really like him. Do you remember LaRue? Yeah. Bulletproof.

Bulletproof. In for the kill. Going in for the kill. He was like, my mate produced that. I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? The most random conversation. Oh, hello. Oh, yeah, lovely.

Rama, though. And I have to text him and go, do you want some money? He's like, oh, yeah, I do, yeah. Oh, yeah And go do you want some money He's like oh yeah I do yeah Oh yeah I do yeah Oh yeah Oh fuck you I might be exaggerating

His voice But he seems dead sound Is he Sam You better I really like him I really like him If you had to take A stab in the back

Would you say he's you know What No he's a disco kid He's a He's a space cadet Sean Ryder That's my guess Just melted his head.

It's not a... I don't know. You know. Oh, you thought I was making him gay? I didn't think you were making him gay. I didn't think you were... He was like, do you know what?

I've met Dan. Do you know what? He's made me gay. Your flower beds are so beautiful. I thought he was a gay person. Oh, no, no, no. He's just a space cadet. I bet if he gets...

If he talked like that genuinely, women love all that, don't they? He must get so much attention. Love all what? People who sound like they're talking to death. I'm doing... I'm doing... He's a bit mental.

I'm not doing like... Women love campings. I think I've maybe... I think women feel comforted by it and then they lull themselves into a sense of security yeah women love that and then also they can share eyeliner and they love that

that's handy, you've both got handbags shares the load they love that women love gay men what the fuck most of them have a gay mate it's like an accessory is it? gay men. What the fuck, innit? Folks have got a gay mate.

It's like an accessory, innit? Is it? Yeah. I've got a gay mate. Oh, right. Like women in comedy, they must,

like, you know, do quite well. You can, like, really fucking move yourself up, can't you? I had a straight female friend, but this one's doing even better. It's one of Barney Stinson's plays,

innit? So, I know you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother, but Barney Stinson's plays, isn't it? So I know you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother, but Barney Stinson's got a load of elaborate ways to pull women. And one of them, he pretends to be a gay hairdresser with a straight twin brother. Gets to know them as the hairdresser.

And then when they're like, oh my God, you know, every fucking day, you go, oh, it's fucking terrible. I'm not, no, it's fucking weird. And he's like, do you know what? I've got a fucking straight twin brother. And he's just exactly like me. And they're like, oh my God. And Barney fucks him.

Right. It's an absolute sex pest. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a lethargian. We love a sex pest in sitcoms. As much anymore? What? Like a Joey. Do you think it's dated? Yeah, probably. Barney Stinson's much more of a player than Joey.

That is quite sinister though, isn't it? Like Joey was like, I love eating and fucking. Yeah. And how'd you do it, Joey? Is there any gaslighting? No, I just go, how you doing? It was quite a simple, like, Joey's character was the most simple, wasn't it?

Yeah. He's attractive with, like, he's a big gold heart. Like he's a big gold heart, like he's a big cuddly boy. Loves eating, like a, loves his mum, family guy who's attractive and is good with it.

But it's, it wasn't a complicated character. No. Barney Stimson? Stimson. Stimson sounds, that's a bit more advanced, isn't it?

Oh yeah, he's a psycho. Setting up a lab. He's a complete psychopath, but lovable. I think it's a bit, like Joe Barney in The Simpsons

doesn't drink beer no more he's not a alcoholic he's addicted to coffee no because you

don't want to have a character who is an alcoholic it's like they took Apu out because he wasn't voiced

by an Asian man I understand that one a bit more that was a campaign by Harry Condor

thingy Condoleezry condor lisa rice harry conduit um yeah and like it it's also divided the south asian community that because a lot of people were like this was a really offensive character people used to call me a school and then there was all the people who were like, that was my only representation on TV. On telly, yeah. So controversial. But I hate this sort of,

the way we're going with characters, where it's like, oh, characters have to be perfect and no character can be problematic. Like the musical Dear Evan Hansen, like got like rave reviews. It's just finished. It's London run. I think it's still running on Broadway in New York.

I loved going to see that. It was great. But it started getting criticism because it was like, you know, by the end of the play, everyone's sort of like thinks Evan Hansen's sound, but he's actually a really mean guy and he's not really,

he's not like a perfect character. So it got like criticism from people because he's not a really mean guy and he's not really, he's not like a perfect character. So it got like criticism from people because he's not this fucking angel. And it's like, he doesn't have to be. No one's perfect. And when we start sort of removing the chance for characters to be wrong, to have flaws,

what the fuck are we doing? Realistic. It's not admitted on life. Like it's meant, sitcoms and stuff are meant to be like, these people exist. Yeah, be a grown-up and be able to deal with

just more layers to a character. Kids get that, don't they? Who's good and bad and everything. It's not as clear-cut as that in adult life. That's healthy, isn't it? These people exist. This happens. Not everyone's perfect

and then when someone isn't, you're like, what the fuck? The world isn't't perfect surely the most interesting writing does have that doesn't it does have that like push and pull of good and evil yeah and you're not meant to like you're meant to love a character despite their flaws that that's the best writing isn't it is when a character is not a perfect person but you're like ah but, but they're still, like you still connect with them. And you're like, yeah, they fucked up quite a bit, but that's not okay. But it doesn't matter.

Modern sitcoms, I think Ted Lasso's nailed that in terms of depth of character and they've all got different flaws and stuff. And they're all, they're not just cartoon like Joey, like they've got two things about them. They're all proper people. The only, like I love Ted Lasso. The only thing I think about it is it's a little bit into the unbelievable.

This season especially, yeah. Like the characters are not potentially real people. I think in the first season they would have been. Maybe. It's the flanderization of characters, isn't it? Eventually, they become just a little bit

they become like a parody of themselves. Yeah, but like I found that even in season one, to be honest, like Ted Lasso, so the main storyline

of Ted Lasso is he is an NFL coach who gets hired to coach a British football team. And he comes over and he's got zero knowledge of the game, but to a cartoonish degree. Yeah, so he wouldn't have got the job.

So it's not believable. Well, now the reason he gets the job, sort of spoilers, this is revealed in the first episode, is the woman who owns the club has gone through a divorce. Her ex-husband was the owner of the club. She got the club in the divorce. Her ex-husband was the owner of the club. She got the club in the divorce. Her ex-husband loves the club. She hires Ted Lasso because she wants him to fail.

That's a fucking up. Because it will hurt her husband who owned the club. And obviously they go on a bit of a journey where she ends up developing a relationship with Ted Lasso on a professional basis. And that's the, without doing any more spoilers. So she's hired him because he'll be shit at it.

But like, there's a good set up if you're trying to, if you're trying to make that set up work. It's really good but like there's moments where he doesn't know

the offside rule and it's like, he'd have read that on the plane at least. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like there's just moments in it where it's like, it's amazing and like on the plane, at least. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's just moments in it where it's like, it's amazing.

And like, I can't, the new episode dropped today. I can't wait to go and watch it tonight. But it's not real. No, no, you have got to suspend disbelief. I'm talking about in terms of like- A little bit. Especially the Roy Kent character, who is just Roy Keane, is a hard man.

And a few decades ago ago he'd have just been the hard man but he deals with his mental health and has a deeper level of character and you go oh he's yeah it's not the first it's not this is the character this is his trait yeah yeah there's there's more more of a human side to it yeah i mean friends was fascinating wasn't it because everyone loved it and it was beautifully written but you did have to suspend some disbelief didn't you because it was they weren't it was it's still a very artificial situation isn't it well some of them are unemployed three there's six friends and they don't really hang out with anyone else and it

and although they weren't like really shallow characters, they were just like two, three points, weren't they? Like Joey's maybe the extreme example, but then you sort of just buy in, don't you? You do suspend a bit of this because you know it's a studio recorded like sitcom. You have to sort of just buy in. That's what I'm saying.

The same with all sitcoms. Eventually they just become, well, pretty much every sitcom just becomes a caricature. The first few seasons tends to be, you could buy into it. And then by season seven. It's like, oh, that's funny because he's Ross. He wouldn't say that.

Yeah. The Simpsons is the term, Flandernization comes from The Simpsons. The Simpsons is the epitomelanderisation Comes from The Simpsons Yeah The Simpsons is the epitome of that Everybody became a parody of themselves Homer became this fucking idiot And that's why The Simpsons has gone shit Because everyone's just doing the thing

You expect that character to do So you're like Yeah there's no comedy Because Yeah that lost its heart Comedy comes from the surprise Doesn't it Yeah

If you've got an original writing team And you achieve massive success That's the thing that keeps it together the cast is obviously important but who's writing it who's because once that changes it's that but it's also it's also just over time you've run out of ideas ideas that are based in the real world like south park did it in the first few series. I think there's an episode called The Simpsons Did It where they, I think it's, I might even think it's Butters maybe, and they just go through all of the things

that a cartoon has already done and they just go, fuck it, doesn't matter. Yeah. Well, it's The Simpsons starter. There's like, oh, this is an American family, 2.4 kids, you know, housewife, it's like father. And it's like, oh, this is is a an american family 2.4 kids you know housewife it's like father and it's like oh this is like a mirror on the world and we're going to parody the world and this is what happens and then homer goes to space and become like yeah you're like okay

jump in the shark literally but i still love it and i watch it all it doesn't bother me but i can i watch it go downhill from a certain point that's the argument for uk shows isn't it like the office you leave it at two and then yeah the us seems to milk it a lot more than the uk there's too much money involved isn't that like a big american hit is hundreds of millions of dollars whereas a british one is six episodes. Like, it's the difference between a six-episode series and a 24-episode series. It's just insane. And the market's so much bigger.

But the amount of times you go, oh, the first, like, Homeland, the first season, unbelievable. Killing it. Westworld. Like, that's British, is that? Oh, yeah, but I'm saying the first season was great. There's so many examples of American stuff.

You're like, oh, the first season, the first two seasons are sick, and then it goes shit. You'd think somebody got it right by now, but they haven't. Breaking Bad got it right. Yeah. But Westwell fucked it.

That could have been the best. Game of Thrones fucked it. I know that's based on the book, but there's so many examples of them going. Game of Thrones just didn't land it. Stuck to London. They weren't fucking it. It was building brilliantly.

By the time the last few seasons were coming on me and laura were hyped like it was it was one of them ones where you cannot watch this without me there will be murder yeah and then they just went and couldn't land it if like the in between is perfect three seasons pet like the uk just seems to get it right a little bit more and it probably is based on money yeah but then when it comes to comedy maybe we do want a little bit of an escape like how many messages do we get about this like i literally saw a tweet yesterday from a lady who was like do you know what i've stopped doing i've listened to i've stopped listening to self help and self-improvement podcasts and i've started listening to have a word from the start

and it's doing my mental health the world of fucking good because there's a level of like we're not trying to fix it we're just fucking around just trying to make you laugh maybe there's a lot to be said for those sitcoms who are like not trying to change the world yeah just trying to make you laugh the good place is perfect for that yeah the good place is so good like it's like suspend all belief and just enjoy what you're watching because not everyone can handle the reality like i know kirby enthusiasm isn't like brutal reality but there is a lot of realism in it and it makes a lot of people cringe because they empathize and then can't handle the that's the cringiness as well yeah the office gets a team of rum as well yeah what i love about the good place is it feels

real to me because of the setup the setup is this is the afterlife and then they make everything make sense like there's logic behind every yeah everything you have to suspend your belief for you're like they explain it oh yeah it's not just this for this it's yeah yeah because of this have you watched the good place i've watched a little i started it and then it just didn't care short episodes so you can just watch them in little bites they're funny um they follow on from each other but some of them stand alone great like great writing the perfect length great cast it's a proper it's the writers with that again it's the same team as the american office parks and rec it's all those yeah those ones mike sure who created that it's so good it's just genius that's

also why i like stuff like Rick and Morty. And I know you're not big into animation, but you don't have to suspend disbelief because it's a fantasy world. And if the writing's good, it can be as ridiculous as it wants because you are enjoying how creative the journey is on those episodes.

And also it's just so well written so much fun stuff they get very meta as well don't they they take the piss off itself and they take the piss out of you watching it

it didn't start like that and Solar Opposites is just an extension it's fucking amazing yeah erm and that's what we think is good there's the have a weird list

of good things what do you think is good? erm it's a little short but let's have a weird list of good things. What do you think is good? It's a little short, but let's have a break. Yes. That's spot on. Had my first therapy session yesterday. I could sense a change. I don't think you'd get up.

What? Because you were hungover to fuck. It was half five in the afternoon. Oh. That's weird. Me and you had therapy at the exact same time yeah I felt that as well

yeah yeah did you um turns out I'm sound she just said don't need to come back I'm just 20 minutes in

I'm gonna stop you there you're done I don't even know what you're doing here in fact could you give me therapy Adam and also

do you want a blowy have you done it have you a blowy have you done it before have you done it before done couples therapy before have you with the next girlfriend

yeah didn't work out what couples therapy was funny because she basically just told me that I was right

about all the arguments she was wrong that's what they're for they're judging the arguments he wins that one next 2-0

wow fucking hell he's doing well clipped to that actual company therapy that's pretty much what it is what are you all about I've never heard anyone

who's so wrong and I'm like yeah that went my way I'm happy with that what I'm right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

next time I think we should get a couples counselling by a man What? I'm right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Next time, I think we should get a couple's counselling by a man. Loaded the bases. I had a counsellor go yesterday. Yeah, sounds. Basically, she said,

you don't need to bother coming back. Yeah. This is Susie down on the docks. Yeah. Yeah, right. Sounds like an old indie song,

doesn't it? Susie is talking on the docks Susie on the docks just sit on a pallet I'll open up the warehouse come in sit down

yeah I'm definitely going to I'm going to write some stand up about the therapy stuff you're not going back what

you're really not going back she said I don't need to go back she said you seem healthy confident of anything I don't believe you is back she said you seem healthy confident of anything I don't believe

you is that real and your dick looks great did you ever spoke to her no he carried it on

for so long it became believable I believed it yeah there's things he started three years ago that we're still doing

his python dick you just keep leaning into it and everyone's like no it must be true how did it go was it helpful it was good yeah

yeah it was nice to get a few things off my chest I didn't realise how much had happened we did a lot has happened hasn't it

yeah fucking hell I don't usually do five hour sessions but we just kept rolling I found when my first ever therapy session that I just blurted loads

I just tried to do you know what I mean yeah that's the point isn't it you have to go hang on let me just tell you here's why I'm fucked up

let's talk about everything first couple of sessions were just me going and then this and then this and then all of this and then this and I

like how did you find that? Did you find yourself just... Where did you start? She said, I'm very detached from my problems. Because I say them. What? I say them like I'm reading them about someone else. No.

I'd love to see the start of that therapy. Right, Adam, what's the biggest problem? Like, it was last season. We were going for the quadruple and I think that's where it all started yeah me mum's dead

but never mind that was one of the best Liverpool teams I've ever seen play and to just get was it two trophies did you lie at any point to then realise

and tell the truth nearly because I feel like I'd do that to protect myself I'd be like what am I doing I nearly lied about

something that I won't mention I nearly lied about something I'd done and I was like why am I lying to protect myself i'd be like what i nearly lied about uh something that i won't mention i nearly lied about something i'd done yeah i was like why am i lying to her 9 11 just say that you were there that was me in it i don't want to ruin too much of the the routine i'm going to do but she took me through like the like the ethical stuff at the start she's like so you know if you talk about any of this, I don't tell anyone, but if you talk about this, this, this, and this, then I have to inform the authorities. And one of them was terrorism.

She's like, if you're plotting any terror attacks, I do have to tell the authorities. She doesn't usually say that, but she got a sense of you in the door. I'm just going to have to... Terrorism, what? It looks silly. So did you catch yourself about to lie

and go, what's the point? Yeah, what am I doing I feel like I'd do that but it was only once everything else I was just like yeah oh I

I yeah you tell a story and then the first few sessions I was on like session 5 or 6 and I was like and now I'm going to tell you all of that story

like I I found myself omitting stuff hell holding stuff back and then later on in the process you go what's the point I found myself omitting stuff holding stuff back and then later on in the process you go

what's the point I found myself just remembering stuff that I'd forgotten happened I was just like in the first session you've had a a phenomenal first session

I'm an open book though aren't I yeah you know what I mean yeah you know you're literally a locked book that's why you're there

no but like what I mean by an open book is like it's not like I naturally hold things back no he's you can't oh you just lock things away

you can't do this podcast for as long as you've done and be like I am now I'm really gonna tell you what I think do you know what I've spent the first

250 whatever now erm yeah but yeah I've never done what I'm on therapy before

it was just the couples one and the couples one genuinely was like right here's the argument we're having right and then yeah but you sort of

do do that it's like I feel like this she feels like that they're at odds with each other who's right that's sort of what it she was herb Dean

essentially yeah but then she kept going it's over oh 1-0 you'd let it go on for far too long

yeah yeah yeah hey nice Herb Dean reference thank you I didn't want to go to the couples counselling but er I was talked into it by me

my girlfriend at the time and then she was the one who stopped us going because she was like she's fucking silent with you all the time we're getting a different one

my mate Mandy do you use fancy doing a top five no no okay I want to hear more about his therapy top five therapists

top five therapy moments I had them all yesterday did you feel light after did you feel like oh I feel a bit better I still felt hungover

so it's when the therapist started clapping that's when you knew you'd had a good one that's the best first there's had a good one got an encore got an encore there's something that happened

that I'm not going to say just because I'm going to do it in the stand up but it's so funny right are you going to therapy for stand up

yeah basically I do everything buy tickets and you'll see what happens these click bait and stand up tickets fucking rat I want to know

am I buying tickets you can get fucked you are gonna see this show though I will see it by accident oh Carl I'll be there

for some of them obviously play me real is it in real you going to real yeah I'm going to real

kicks off real oh we're all doing real yeah let's go real I hope real doesn't crash where am I baby yeah oh you can get some of that pizza we can get Chris involved Oh, we're all doing real. Yeah, let's go real. I hope real doesn't crash. Where I have me birthday. Yeah. It is. Oh, you can get some of that Peter.

We can get Chris involved. Mmm. Lovely. Oh, you've got to invite Chris to the show. He's just standing there with his guitar for three hours. Chris is opening for me. Go on, Chris. So are you guys.

Right, let's do a top five. I think Finn, I think you're right. Yeah. You want to do a top five? Yeah, I think you're right yeah you want to do a top five yeah I felt a natural roll that's what we're going for ready yes where is it

you tell me do you remember yeah remember the person again though right top five this is from Dan Allinson top five simple pleasures something like a sit down

that is absolutely class but not life-changing just dead nice a few off the top of my head would be fresh bedding good cup of tea getting a snow day when you're in school funny sounding fart a wank etc etc so life simple funny sounding wank funnyank snow wank um my number one is my number one's sitting down sitting down is the best thing in the fucking world i love sitting down so much someone else cancelling a plan that you didn't want to do anyway oh yeah nice so beautiful you get the fucking all right i've got that fucking thing on friday and yet friday and someone's like adam just can got that fucking thing on Friday and you get to Friday and someone's like

Adam I can't make it and you're like you owe me one then the fucking Ronaldinho on a couch George's a good one have you

do you ever order takeaway and it's shit and you're very disappointed but you're full because you've eaten some of it getting a good takeaway and getting it right

you ordered the right thing from the right place yeah and they put it all in the bag yeah that's a simple pleasure when you're like

oh my god it's all there yeah they got it right it's what you wanted it's cooked I got the takeaway order right

because you can do this by reversing it you know when you go what were you getting for tea and then you flip flop and then get the wrong thing and you're eating

and you go nah I didn't really want this and then get the wrong thing and you're eating and you go nah I didn't really want this getting food envy's the worst isn't it when you order something and you're like you've ordered sounds good as well and then you look at it

and you're like fucking hell I wanted that yeah oh they're the worst when everyone's like can't be arsed cooking what do you want to get let's order something in

and then there's debate about it and then it's disappointing you get it wrong and you fall off and you've spent money and you're not satisfied and no wipe poo

yeah can I just say any any form of satisfying plop I'm guessing I know for sure

just any form of satisfying plop I really like that a proper empty like a big solid one that like pushes

on the like every inch of your bum hole and it feels like a fucking car's coming out your ass yeah but wow no the last 20 percent of that is like i reckon that's what getting bum feels like no hang on that's not the poo i meant i like the poo where you go oh i need a poo and then you go i bet that's all the poo you know what it's just like yeah like i don't like the feeling when i'm like I need a poo and then you go I bet that's all the poo you know when it's just like oh yeah I don't like the feeling when I'm like when I can feel my sphinx

going oh god this is a big bum boy I like it when I feel like that sneak cup's coming out my ass oh no yeah because you know you're empty and the last bit's like

a little it's fucking superb tickle this is why I think I'd make a good gay I think I'd love getting bummed you'd love this up your arse I think I'd love getting bummed you'd love this up your ass I think I'd love

getting bummed yeah I reckon you would as well oh well then count me out I'm not doing it because I've got internalised homophobia

but I think I'd love it you have internalised cock as well I think some of that's on the exterior seeping out do you know what's good as well

you can change the drink the first sip of Lucasade after the game of footy when it fucking burns your mouth it's just dead bubbly oh my god

that's just taken me back to playing footy on the fields at school and I just you know when you you've just played and played for the whole hour we got

and it's baking all day and I basically just downed a can I can't even remember what it was do you know what's gassy it's like burning your mouth but you're like yeah when a stranger just downed a can I can't even remember what it was so it's gassy it's like burning your mouth but you're like

yeah when a stranger's dog takes a lichen to you like when you're in the park and the dog's like fucking hell he's sad and they jump on you yeah you look like a kid

you look like a king there don't you when you wake up and you think you know when you've you have to get up early so regularly and then you wake up

and you go oh no what time is it that's my one and then you go oh there's nothing to do I don you wake up and you go oh no that's my one and then you go oh there's nothing to do i don't have to be anywhere no oh no it's when you've got more time than you think yeah oh my god the bit of like oh my god i've got to be up at eight and it's definitely gonna be two minutes to eight what time is it it's quarter past five get in

no the best one's like it's like you feel like you've been a kid for ages and you wake up and it's like half one. You're like, oh my God, I've got like fucking five hours left here. Six hours. Get in. Yeah, no, I was up across my six. I get up at seven o'clock every day.

Can I throw in feeling my wife's bottom? Ten to seven. Yeah, I love that as well. If anyone's not tried it. Yesterday, she was just drying up. She was doing her hair and she was like, and I was like, can I just have a little feel of your bum?

She was like, of course you can. Oh, what a simple pleasure. I feel Seneca's ass. Just having a little touch of the person you love's bum. 80% of the time I'm with her, my hand's on her ass. It's great. She's got a great ass. Going up the stairs in front and giving it a slap.

Oh, yeah. That's good. And they know it's happening. They're like, oh, no. You're like, fuck off. If I moisturise my whole body like Laura does, do you think my skin, is it just men's skin is not as nice and soft?

Or are they just maintaining it better? They're maintaining it better. Because Christ almighty, so smooth. Her arse is soft. My? Yeah. Mrs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

Getting sucked off to completion. Simple pleasure. Penetrative sex with an orgasm getting sucked off from start to finish and you don't do anything else though like you haven't even

got them warmed you haven't fingered you haven't licked put you're just being lazy lying down and they just for no reason just suck you off

unannounced? yeah what? they just start playing with your dick and then they put your dick in their mouth and they suck you off unannounced yeah what they just start playing with your dick and then they put your dick in their mouth and they suck you off

until you cum that is such a subtle one it's a simple simple pleasure that everyone enjoys women children just getting sucked off

don't be a fucking nunce now I'm talking about an adult woman sucking my dick that's a simple pleasure. I've got one. Good free public Wi-Fi. Oh, yes.

When it doesn't do the... Yeah, you can pay for it on this BT thing. Wi-Fi, like a public Wi-Fi thing where you click it and it just goes, you're connected. You don't have to sign in. There's no email. There's no name. It just goes, have some internet lad

yeah there you go look for whatever you like here Dan I feel like you'll agree with me on this one a hotel bath yeah oh I'm with you yeah

laptop on the toilet Netflix on in the bath hotel wank I love a hotel wank you famously love a hotel wank yeah yeah a bath in a hotel is.

Going for fresh bread or pastry at the shop and they've just put all of the new stuff in there. It's warm. It's warm. Wait, I was doing that. What? Did you do that? Which?

Go for fresh pastries in the shop. Fresh bread? Yeah. But literally, you're walking and she's just put all the fresh, or he's put the... Yeah, you're like, I'm fucking getting it.

Oh, you might love that fucking warm baguette. And then being sucked off while you're getting fresh bread. Hang on, hang on. Can I say with all of these, it's better if you also get sucked off to completion? Yeah. So when the woman brings fresh pastry, and they're all warm,

and then just without saying a word you know just sucks you off to completion in the car you're in subway and they cut the bread perfectly like it's right down the middle there's no like you know when like you get a subway and they cut like fucking 10 and like there's 10 to 90 of the bread and it's like the wrong ratio yeah when they just get it at like that perfect 60-40. So it holds the film. Are you allowed with a subway to go, lad, that needs recutting.

I mean, they can't recut, but. Like, it's just whether you want to make a scene, isn't it? You love making a scene.

I don't. Do you not? No. Unless I'm in the mood. I've got two driving ones. I've just thought of a driving one. When you're approaching a red light

and one lane's busier than the other you switch lanes it goes green you drive past them all yeah that was great I feel like I'm winning

at life there do you know why because like they've beat me to the red light but now I'm ahead of them yeah so I've like

I've overtook and they couldn't have done not on a body yeah another one driving when someone's a dickhead and they're behind you and you get to the red light

just before them to the green and stops them at the red yeah someone was's a dickhead and they're behind you and you get to the red light just before them to the green and stops them at the red yeah someone was being a dickhead on the motorway a few weeks ago on the M62

just being an arse I was overtaking I was in the second overtaking lane and he did that thing of like well I'm going faster than you so I'm going to get right behind you I just

I was doing 79, 78. So I moved into the lane. He put his foot down. Oh, I got a flash. Did he? Oh, wow. Wow. Have you not told us that yet?

Jesus Christ, that's the dream? That's wonderful. Oh. Oh. Oh, you're going to be so annoyed do you know what I do to me because my car can move

I let people come up my arse the car can move shoot mate whoa come again I let people approach my car to the rear

and be close and then fuck you and then I'll move over to the middle middle lane but then put my foot down just to be that guy if you want to overtake me fucking earn it and I'll move over to the middle lane but then put my foot down so I'm like

if you want to overtake me fucking earn it and I'll go like 115 in my head miles an hour obviously I'm doing 70 at all times

and then they can't overtake me and I'll just go back again and be like well they gave you the chance you just didn't take it love it can we get into the bit

of Simple Pleasures where other people are suffering misfortune this is like there's an also in a layer of like Simple Pleasures where other people are suffering misfortune There's also a layer of like when people are being swatched like oh fuck you What about when you've got an itch on your back that you can't quite reach

and you ask someone to itch your back for you and without any directions they get it first time Who's your go to back scratcher? Your lady Can you scratch me back? Oh yeah there time. What? Who's your go-to back scratcher? Your lady. Oh yeah, your lady. Can you scratch me back?

Where about just like, oh yeah, there, there. And when it moves, they move with it. Yeah. Oh! They get in it each time. They move because the scratch moves. We all know that. And they're like bam, bam, bam, bam.

There you go, kid. And you're like, bam. I feel like this is a similar one. I don't know how, but it feels similar. When you've had something stuck in your teeth all day and you managed to get it out yeah yeah when you're hang on got it got it people don't like it but i really i think earbuds is a really nice i like that feeling not everyone use loves them but i like that feeling that's a when when your hostage finally falls asleep yeah Yeah. You're like, shut up, I'm playing FIFA. Yeah.

And then you've gone to sleep. Oh, we all know that one. A last minute winner on FIFA is up there as well. When you've been down. I was six to the open in the 84th minute last night and drew six all and genuinely nearly put my arm through the wall. I tried to snap my pad in half.

I tried and they put me up to the wall. It's gone unless when it went on FIFA. I love going in a restaurant, like a busy restaurant, going, have you got a table for like two? And they go, yeah.

It's like, oh, why is it? How can it always not just be like that? Any success that feels like it's not possible. Like that is like, not gonna have a table, but we'll ask anyway. And they're like, oh going to have a table, but we'll ask anyway.

And they're like, oh yeah, you're like, wow. Anything like that. Seeing a big pair of tits. I saw a girl with big boobs on the London Underground

eight years ago. And I think about her every six months. There you go. Like, they were just so colossal. she'd been to whatever like a festival in the day or something i don't know she looked like she'd been out the big 2015 i think she'd been to big boober armor and i you don't say anything you're not allowed to say anything and she got off no we

got off and she stayed on the tube and i just matthew started my mate matt started talking to me and i just went big boobs i just literally had to go tits appreciating some sort of sexual attraction on a woman a lovely lady boobs bum legs something good pussy with a stranger man the you know when you're just like in public and you both you're like and then you look over

and you're like yeah and you're both like yeah are you seeing this how can women do that yeah yeah

look at his cock he's like fuck is that Adam Rowe god you were looking as well he can have my tits god I'd like to give him therapy if you know what I mean

blowjob to completion how far away are these people are they stood next to each other they've been lip reading Chelsea Vance I'm on I've just finished some gardening I think simple pleasures

is a thing we can carry on with over different episodes comment below what your simple pleasures are as well because we definitely missed pleasures is a thing we can carry on with over different episodes. Comment below what your simple pleasures are as well, because we've definitely missed some bangers. Do you reckon we can get a top five, or do you want to just keep it on? Do you think we collate even more, and then do the top five?

Yeah. Do you think there's more to Garner? I think there's more. There's loads. I'll ditch your bum all with a shite. With a fart I can get, you can angle it. You're not an angler of shit, are you? Just all- all with a shite with a fart I can get you can angle it you're not an angler of shit are you just all encompassing shite like just

and it's just like oh yeah I got that as well oh I know when you need a piss and a shit at the same time you just empty both of them you walk out like six stone later needing a piss if you're desperate for a piss

and you've been desperate for like 20 minutes or something that is better than coming it's up there the first piss on a night out you've broke the seal you're like oh my's up there the first person i've made out you've broke the seal you're like oh my god this is the best piss i've ever had and you're telling yourself it's a top three this week clean public toilets i do that yeah clean public toilets are so rare what a country we are simple pleasures clean things yeah well it's difficult isn't it but you know like anandos has got good toilets

no matter what whereas Starbucks and Costa they're fucking animal Starbucks and Costa one toilet for fucking everyone

and it's always oh it's so they're all they can be so grim those fuckers yeah remembering to skip the advert

on something you've recorded yeah because if you forget that's the opposite of getting time back you're like I've just literally wasted my time a stream that doesn't lag when you're watching the footy a dodgy stream that doesn't buffer

a good stream that you've found not given to you skippable adverts instantly or get YouTube premiums that being a myth yeah this is a good feature finding

finding money in a a jacket pocket is obviously such a fucking I found just so I love that feeling

I found the £5 note on my doorstep today Brian mate do you know what it might have been and then it was useful that day

yeah cost of living crisis that's for you I never need cash and that day I needed cash he was there it was useful that day yeah cost of living crisis that's for you I never need cash and that day I needed cash he was there it was like someone

had gone you're gonna need that later yeah bosh I like this there's loads we'll keep it going comment below

and we'll collate the best ones do you know as a married man just even like this is not this is not like

I'm not wanting to cheat I would never cheat but that little moment where you just get a little smile or a little knowing sort of like

she wants to fuck and it's a little like oh there's an attractive lady and they're like hello and then you don't do anything about it because it's not who you are but you just know

that you could you know if you were single you'd be bowels deep in 20 minutes bowels 20 minutes you'd be bows deep in 20 minutes bow 20 minutes there'd be something afoot there

a tryst perhaps I like that that's a nice little moment is the one where you like when Etta wipes her own arse what? does she wipe her own arse

no? she forgives it a good girl but I'm saying if she gets it right no yeah she doesn't flush

she just wanders off the amount of her shit that I have to deal with do you know I have failed to flush the toilet twice recently in my house because of the toilet you've got me oh yeah sometimes you just stand up and you feel done yeah well Etta does not have Japanese

technology on her side she just shits and leaves she's like have you washed your hands? Have you done anything that you're meant to do? Oh, mate, I'm a busy woman. I've fucked off. If I could also

have a shower without her coming in and doing her shit, that would be really nice. I swear to God that last week I was having a shower. Etta came in

and went, sorry, daddy, I need a poo. And I was like, right, cool. Then Jack wandered in to be like, what's everyone doing?

And then Laura came in to get Jack. So I'm having a shower and I've got etta going sorry daddy and then poo in jack's like oh my god fucking stressful simple pleasures just having a shower on your own in fact if i could go through a load of parenting ones when you put the baby down when jack goes to and you put him in the car don't say it and you give him his Oh no I saw the cogs move and I was like

he's not said it I've never said it And then you've got one less kid Oh it's such a nice feeling when you just when you give him the dodie

give him his little milk You've got the dodie Night night Alphired Give him a picture of dodie Alphired Dodie Alphired dog Yeah Because Jack doesn't miss Diana Night night. I'll fire. Give him a picture of Dodie. I'll fire. Dodie, I'll fire.

Dope. Yeah. Because Jack doesn't miss that. On your remote control car. He misses Dodie. Give him a Dodie. Oh, I love you, Dodie. And his little Fulham scar.

Fucking great. When he just goes to sleep. I love it. His little Dodie. I'll fire that. Come on. Come here. I miss you. Daddy, I want Dodie. Go and sleep little Dodie Al-Fayed action man. Come here. I miss you.

Daddy, I want Dodie. Go and sleep without Dodie. Here you go. Where's his Dodie? You always have more than one Dodie. Always. He's in a tunnel in Paris. Well, he was.

I don't think he still is. I think that would be... Obviously, we got rid of the princess. It's an act of crime scene. Don't move anything my nan wrote to Mohammed Al-Fayed when

Dodi died just apologising did he die though Dodi did he die though Dodi did he die I think he did die though

he died Dodi died Dodi died and your nan wrote to Mohammed yeah saying I'm so sorry for your loss

everyone's everyone's talking about Diana no one gives a fuck about you I don't mean to say fuck fucking And your nan wrote to Muhammad. Yeah, saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone's talking about Diana. No one gives a fuck about you. I don't mean to say fuck. Everyone's talking about Diana. No one gives a fuck about you and your brother. Wasn't his brother? His son, wasn't it?

His brother. Is this your Welsh one, not the Turkish one? Yeah, not the Turkish one. I don't know. Do you know who Muhammad Al-Fayed is? I feel like I should. The old Terence. Oh, it's funnier when he gets his. What else does he own? Do you know who Mohamed Al-Fayed is? I feel like I should. Go on. Oh, it's funnier when he gets his. What else does he own?

Is it Fulham? Yeah, he used to have a stake in Fulham. And he's Michael Jackson's mate, isn't he? Was he? Yeah. There was a statue of Michael Jackson outside Fulham. The Finn has had his picture taken with. True. The quiz.

Fact. There's an answer for the quiz. It's in Manchester now. Because he's a cool guy. Yeah, it's in the National Football's in Manchester now because he's a cool guy yeah it's in the it's in the National Football Museum in Manchester

oh great Michael Jackson statue the footballing paedophile I had a picture of it he's not a

paedophile no he's dead no he was a paedophile but he had thought he was his son simple pleasures

Carl calling people paedophiles honestly you think I don't enjoy it but I do enjoy it we've enjoy this before he slept in bed with kids he admitted that simple pleasure hearing one of Carl's jokes thank you that is because sometimes I miss him what's the difference between

Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson. Go on. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson fucked little kids. See, I thought you were going to say moonwalked. I think everyone... Are they mutually exclusive? No,

it's a joke, Carl. Buzz Aldrin could shag kids. Pull back and reveal because you expect it to be a moonwalk-based thing. I've seen it from a comedian. Jesus walked on water.

That might be... Even awesome drone batteries. That might be the third joke we've told in the history of have a word on the pod I've got some others

if you want but a lot of them are racist so I can't do mine you've got to internalise that yeah it's better it's definitely better

well send in your well I don't think we should put the top five together yet I think we should ask for more input send in your

simple pleasures haveawordpod at gmail.com and if you want to definitely get it read sign up at patreon.com five together yet. I think we should ask for more input. Let's see if we've got Send in your simple pleasures. Haveawordpod at gmail.com. And if you want to definitely get it read, sign up at patreon.com

slash haveawordpod and DM Harry Robinson. Let's get Michelle in. Love you. Bye. And we're back and Dan has been

crying for the entire interval because he's allergic to wasps. Life. No, it's gone that past. Why? That's because he's allergic to wasps life no his grandad passed why that's why he's crying he was actually

surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised

he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised he was surprised they oh really yeah yeah yeah skiing accident at 97 you'd ask him for real yeah that's great isn't it yeah i mean it would be weird come on when was the last time you went skiing well exactly yeah a couple of months ago and you survived he was on he was on end of life care at a nursing home but you know when they have a day out they really go for it they really go for it a lot of people said you know you shouldn't drive

to the alps to ski for 97 year olds but he was like no i'm fucking doing it he went how he wanted to go was he was he rich no okay oh he was that would be perfect wouldn't it do you know what i mean you die on the slopes at 97 loads of money you go with your family he won the trip fair suggestion how did he win the trip done probably cross crosswords it was a big it was one of the big crosswords how did you win a crossword

listen that's what he did have you never seen those like crosswords in like magazines where it's like you've got to find out like the answer to this line is like a word

or a phrase as you enter and then you enter. Yeah. And then we always said crosswords would kill him. And in a way. But we meant fighting at the pub, but you know, that's him genuinely did die. Not in a skiing accident.

So he did die. That's all bullshit. And you're already joking about it. And it happened today. Yeah. Well, last night. Last night. Can 97 97 years old yeah but it does that 97 years old yeah but still it's a win let it let it simmer let it marinate

for a little while the thing is though he doesn't listen to this so he can't know it's fine do you know what i mean though you know like you'd give it like it just it says something about you we gave it a section but it weren't even a good joke like It just It says something about you We gave it a section But it weren't even a good joke Like you just came in And just started like Yeah Banter

Like And your grandad's dead bruv I never said nothing about skiing We've recorded for an hour And I didn't mention it once Do you know what I mean? Huh? We've already recorded for an hour today

I didn't mention it once Yeah So you sit out of respect innit? Exactly You give it that hour And then you're like Do you know what? You're a good person Yeah He did mention the skiing out of respect, innit? Exactly. You give it that hour and then you're like, do you know what? You're a good person.

Yeah, he did mention the skiing out of respect, but that's not, you know. Wow. It's one of them ones where you celebrate,

not celebrate the dead, but you celebrate their life. Oh, 97. He's had a result. Died in his sleep. Yeah, that's the way.

Yeah, but that's not a good way to ski. In your sleep. Oh, are you laughing, Michelle! Ah, Michelle's laughing. That's the way to go. At 97, just go for the kip and don't wake up.

Oh, I'm telling you right now. If you could pick, that's what you'd pick. No, I told you what mine is. What would you pick? Supermodel Avalanche. What would you do, right? You're 97. You're not getting a hard on at 97

I don't need to you're probably not going to get a hard on at 45 so get ready for that but you're not getting a hard on you've just got

all of this fanny flying towards you what are you doing just wishing gasping for air yeah no you get to put on

your headstone died by pussy that was too much for this you went no you know what you know what because I'm thinking like if I heard that someone died That was too much for this. You went, nope. You know what? You know what? Because I'm thinking, like,

if I heard that someone died by a pussy, I'd think in some, like, medieval way that, like, they slept with someone and it was, like, rotten. And do you know what I mean? Like, a couple hours after they're breaking out in a sweat and they're like, I shouldn't have done that. Well, how do you want to go?

Do you want to go in your sleep? I wouldn't mind going in my sleep, actually. Well, you know, like, how you always think, oh, I'm going to do the hard drugs? I wouldn't mind going in my sleep, actually. Well, you know how you always think, oh, I'm going to do the hard drugs when I'm older. Like, that's what... You know what I mean? Just like one last hurrah. Get to 80 and do heroin.

Exactly. 100%. I guess you do anyway, right? If you've got cancer or something, you end up on like morphine and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Morphine's great as well.

In your sleep's good. I think I just... I want a spectacular death, me. I want people talking about my death for fucking centuries to come do you know what I mean go on

well I haven't talked it through Michelle but like maybe I'm on a motorbike on fire with two machine guns like people are gonna talk about that

how long are you lasting on the motorbike doesn't matter doesn't matter all I need is one photograph I'll bring Jack with me be like

get ready I thought you were doing two grenades off the lava buildings or that anything spectacular he gets on the motorbike machine goes

set me on fire oh fuck I've fallen off on the side dead burning just didn't work out you know what you know what would be good right

you've got a terminal illness you know you've only got like a month left to live. Maybe a week. Yeah? Maybe a week. There's some kids drowning. Everyone's like, ah! And you're like, da-da-da. And you save them. And then you get like a couple of minutes

of everyone just going, fucking! You're just like, it's fine. Or you're knackered because you've got a terminal illness and you just die with the kids. Yeah, that would be pretty bad. But do you know what I mean? You already know you're going to die. You. Or you're knackered because you've got a terminal illness and you just die with the kids. Yeah, that would be pretty bad. But do you know what I mean? You already know you're going to die. You already know you're going to die. So you save them.

Terminally ill man drowns two children in murder suicide. Talked about for centuries to come. Adam Rowe. Yeah, you do something like that. You like push it, like push a kid out the way and jump in the way of the bus the way you jump in the way

but say you do something right yeah yeah not just like you he's just gonna fucking sit on a bike in flames

with two machine guns in his he's just shooting him in the air here's the thing I don't there's not many things I believe Michelle

right like spiritually I haven't got like any, any hard-set beliefs, but there is one thing I believe, and I've said it on this podcast before, and I will say it again. You die twice. You die when you die,

and you die the last time someone ever says, you know, you mentioned you. Isn't there, like, a Mexican... Yeah. Yeah, belief that's, like, that kind of... Is it Cinco de Mayo? Yeah, that's how you celebrate the Day of the Dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah legit innit you know what I mean it's like culture no no no actually I don't know I don't believe so if I'm the fucking flamethrower machine gun man on a motorbike right

I'm gonna be Cinco de Mayo until the fucking early 3000s you know what I mean but don't you want to make what you do in your life the thing that you remember for

not your dad both just cover all bases you don't just need to do one you know what I mean like comedian just keep putting specials out people keep watching them

and also it's like KC McColl she's not remembered for being a singer she's remembered for the speedboat exactly you don't remember for that

you don't remember for the good shit both KC McColl was in the pokes oh okay she got hit by a speedboat that's how she died is it

I don't know why she got hit by a speedboat but yeah she was saving her kids on holiday talking yeah like her kid

was in the water she was trying to save the drowning kids did she did she actually save a kid yeah she saved her son

her own kid yeah she wasn't seemingly alone it was in Mexico Mexico there you go

it was in Mexico it all connected do you think you'd get more props after you're gone for saving your own kid or someone else's?

Someone else's. Someone else's, isn't it? That's heroic. Like, there's an instinct to save your own kid. I've seen someone else's kid drown and I'd be like, fucking hell, nightmare that.

Is that? Not really my... Back of your phone. This seems like a new problem. Yeah, it seems like, oh, this kid's drowned or someone... That's a good question, though.

Do you know if there was a body of water say like the doc and you saw the child and they're struggling yeah but there's nobody round would you jump in

no I'd ring someone even if you could tell like he had a minute or two and it was like of course you would you would you would

but you know you would you would no but you know listen I wouldn't video it. No.

I wouldn't jump in because I don't like the water. So I feel like I'd be more of an issue. Yeah. And I don't like kids drowning, but I really hate water more. I guarantee you, I would jump in. I'd immediately have a panic attack. My shoulder would dislocate. And then I'd just drown with the child.

Why are two families suffering? I'm telling you right now, that will get talked about for a while though. Also, you do get more valour for saving someone else's child. Because if you save your own child, there's also that extra layer of like, well, you were responsible for the fucker,

so why is he in the water? If it's just someone else's child, that wasn't your... Unless he's ran away from home. Yeah. You jump in. Yeah. Because I know someone loves that kid

as much as I love my kids what are you doing what's your plan you say he was an absolute gobshite and you die doing it and you've let a gobshite live and your children are now fatherless

so if I jump in and swim over and he's like oh yeah you're the fucking old cunt who's not funny I'll have a word I'll be like but what would your plan be though

what you're jumping in what do you you do just swim to it you do you do that thing in it yeah right yeah well you do that around their neck and then you're like when the world trade center was you know but got got attacked right they they did some report after and they sort of broke it and they realized that people go into like four sections right there's like four categories of people like some people were willing to just like they just wanted to save themselves instinctively right they were just like i'm gonna fucking step on your head to get down these they just wanted to save themselves instinctively, right? They were just like, I'm going to fucking step on your head

to get down these stairs. I'm going to save myself. Then there's another group of people that were like, let's brainstorm this and try and see how we can troubleshoot this situation. And not one of them survived. Carry on. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Because they're having a team meeting. They're getting a PowerPoint talk. Hang on. There's people that are frozen in fear right couldn't do anything just frozen in fear and then there were people that wanted to help and they were like these weren't really thought about this is just instinctively that you just fall into one of these categories all right well adam's crowd surfing down the stairs That's not true. Everybody go surfing. That's not true. No, me shoulder might go, I've got to get down,

because if that, I'll have a panic attack. Do you want to see this tower go down and me have a panic attack? No, that's not true. Do you know what I would do in that situation? I know for the fuck what I'd do. No, no, the thing is you don't know what you're doing. That's the whole point. No, I've been in similar situations.

Not the exact same. You've been in a similar situation? Ooh, ooh. What? Similar? Let's lower that word. Like when I've been in work- Ooh, ooh! Ooh! Ooh! What? Similar. Ooh. Let's lower that word.

Like when I've been in like a work and the fire alarm's gone and you're like, right. Yeah, that's 9-11. Oh, oh, oh. That's 9-11. Oh. And then you've got to have a cheeky cigarette outside. That's the same. It's 9-11.

Bro. Smoking. Oh, it's awful. Here's what I would do. I would, you know they're like- You don't fucking know what you would do. Well, here's what I think I would do. Okay. Okay, here's what I think I would do. I would, you know, they're like, let's... You don't fucking know what you would do. Well, here's what I think I would do. Okay.

Okay, here's what I think I would do. You know those people who are like, let's brainstorm a plan. I would skip that step completely and I'd be like, right, this is what we're doing and I'm doing it now. Yeah. So just follow me. It's a lot of his tactics in life, to be honest. I wouldn't be...

We're not discussing it. I'm right. You can all shut the fuck up and listen to me because I know how to get us out of here that door there just a fire alarm I've got to calm down

oh god do you know what I'd do I'd save one person who was less able than me because you're able to save one easy and you've still been a hero yeah

you've saved one exactly don't try and save everyone because you can't you can't save one person exactly can't save one person exactly so you save one person

and then crowd surf down the stairs I can't save them down the stairs I'm surfing on them sorry sorry sorry I'm helping one yeah you get one

old person or one young person you save one person you can't save ten but that's nicer because your your version is like I'm gonna make an

announcement that we should all be selfish cunts no we're not selfish cunts no they shouldn't be selfish they've got to make an announcement that we should all be selfish cunts. No, we're not. There's the door. Let's go. No, they shouldn't be selfish cunts. They've got to listen to me.

We shouldn't all be selfish cunts. I want to get us out of here. And I'm going to lead us. I'm like a lion, Michelle. I'm just a natural born leader. Just fucking follow me. Is this the five lamb or 9-11? Which one's this? Lion's famously good in 9-11 situations.

Everyone's like, yeah, this isn't a war. Where's it go, Adam? No, no, no, no, lad. We go through the kitchen. Follow me. You would have never listened to where the fire exits were if you worked in the trade centre. Where's ours? What? It's right there.

Where do we stand? I mean, outside. Outside? Yeah. You just follow Adam, he'd be like, right, suck the fuck up! Everyone, pick up an elderly person and fucking run I'll just get carried out Carl

could you help me I just I can't be dealing with like too many cooks in a situation like that it's just fucking too many cooks yeah

alright like in the kitchen same in the kitchen yeah if I'm in the kitchen cooking right let's say me and my missus are cooking dinner

right that's never a thing we're not cooking dinner either i'm cooking dinner and you can help under very strict instructions or you're cooking dinner and i will help under your very strict instructions but this team effort shite needs to go in the bin you need a boss you need a leader you need someone to take charge of the whole system and the other person's there to listen and do what they're

fucking told you're my favourite person to cook with I'll be like you take charge no it's all on you I'll do the cutting I'll get the bin over

and push all the crumbs in yeah exactly you're welcome you go in the toilet I'll stay in it but just never let him take over a country because it's going to

get pretty totalitarian no you listen to me there's no fucking elections. We're doing it this way. I swear to God. I think when it comes to country size, you do need democracy.

But any other time, anything smaller than a country, you do just need a dictator. It's just a better system. Just shut up and listen to me. Yeah. But what if you're wrong? Then it's egg on my face, isn't it?

Everyone's dead. Egg on Adam's face. You're never wrong. Just, just... You end up in Relate going, no, it wasn't undercut. Have I ever let you down? Nope.

Look at us. We're flying, okay? We're flying. Because we just do things. Do you run things at home, Michelle? Are you the boss at home? Yeah, I live by myself. You do and I'll help.

We're going to have a meeting. Yeah, you know what? Every day I get up and I'm like, I'm the fucking boss. Yeah, yeah. I live on my own as well. Do you? You know, sometimes guests come round

and then they get given a job. Is it? Okay, cool. This is your job. Have you got pets? No. Oh, so it's just you? It's just me.

Yeah. Do you live in like insane cleanliness or insane rubbishness? You know what? I go through moments. Like it's mostly clean. Yeah, it's'll go through moments like it's mostly clean yeah it's mostly clean but like it's not dirty but i say that i can say that there's no one here to tell me that actually michelle you're a bit of a filthy cunt but it's mostly clean but sometimes i like to

like celebrate the fact that i can do what the fuck i want yeah just by letting everything going yeah exactly exactly Putting clothes on just so you can take them off and throw them everywhere. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but you have to pick them up. You don't. You pay Jackie.

She comes round and does it. Oh, you put them in a bin bag. Get rid of them all and buy new clothes. He's done that as well. Are you a bed maker? Do you make your bed? Yes.

That is one thing I do as soon as I get up. I do that as well. Are you a cushion on the bed? Do you know what man i i okay i think there's not many women out there who hasn't had a big fucking pillow moment all right and now i've passed it and i have as many pillows as i need to sleep on and that is it yeah because i've been i got lost in the fucking the pillows have had me in a chokehold yeah you know the whole

of the noughties it was just like pillows pillows pillows pillows oh dean on cushions yeah yeah it was too much man cushions yeah themed cushions i got this from the i used to treat cushions like fridge magnets do you know what i mean they won't stick to your things no no they fucking wouldn't but you know what i mean like i'd go somewhere and be like oh that's a nice cushion yeah i'm gonna get that really yeah no they all have to be matching for me. You know what I mean? I have a lot of cushions

on my bed. On your bed, do you? How many? So I have three on my side, three on the other side. No, they're pillows. They're pillows and then I have two cushions,

one on each side and a third cushion that's different to the other two in the middle. That's a good format. That's like the 4-4-2 of cushions, isn't it?

Really? that sounds like really tacky hotel vibe that you've tried to recreate in your bedroom it's that vibe isn't it

no is there anything sat in in there me and this the couch that was a very hurtful thing to say Jackie will be

really upset about that there's no crushed velvet there isn't? No. All right, cool. Is there? What colourways are you going for in your house?

Grey. Grey and blue. Like cobalt. Really? Cobalt blue is a good colour. I like Yves Klein. Klein blue. So it's like this artist called Yves Klein.

You know, like every now and again, an artist is like, I'm going to have my own colour and no one else can use it. Yeah. Klein blue is one's like this artist called Yves Klein you know like every now and again an artist is like I'm going to have my own colour and no one else can use it yeah Klein blue is one of my favourites Klein's about like Calvin

do you know what I'm dyslexic so I've got Sensei Red my red exists as a colour what you've named it Sensei Red yeah

the person who done my graphics has made Sensei Red you just can't see it really yeah I can't see it I'm colour blind though, so red and green.

Won't even mess. Why is it not tapping shit? So you've gone in and gone, this is exactly what I want. They've matched your tone. No, Alex just did it and said this is Sensei red and there's the hex.

Oh, that's a very good blue. Isn't it? Yeah. It's fucking special. I think the whole of like Frida Cole's house is painted in that colour. It's royal blue blue Like a royal blue

No no It's like Almost like a Ultraviolet blue Did you say that It's popping It's popping isn't it You can't have a whole room

In that can you No you can't But it's nice I like a midnight blue That's quite similar to our curtain Up behind you Kind of yeah But if you like

Colbert blue Then it's kind of similar What have you got in Colbert blue in your house? Like, walls? Just cushions? Quilt cover. Bedsheets.

The couch. Everything. The fridge. The doors. Me balaclava that I sleep in. Me gloves. I think he's a secret Everton fan. Got fucking blue everywhere.

In the flat. Now, I've got a few things. A lot of dark grey dark grey though as well okay like charcoal love of charcoal just gives off very masculine vibes

you know what I mean when I was a single man women would come round and go fucking charcoal he's a keeper yeah is that what they'd say out loud yeah

charcoal and cobalt where's the ring I wasn't going to shag him but look at all this fucking charcoal I'm in if you've really got is that is this real you've been to his house I wasn't going to shag him, but look at all this fucking charcoal. I'm in. If you've really got... Is this real?

You've been to his house? Apartment? Yeah. I can't remember the charcoal. It does ruin the fact that... Because the apartment I'm in was furnished. Yeah. Like, a lot of the stuff I've added.

But, like, you know, I have come for very masculine colours in cobalt and charcoal, but then the headboards are all yellow. Yeah. That sounds like it goes together really nicely. It does. No, it does. It does.

Yellow, blue and grey. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I know you're not picturing it right. Wait, wait, wait. What am I not picturing right? You've got a yellow headboard. I can just tell from your answer.

A yellow headboard. You walked in that flat and he was like, wait. What am I not picturing right? You've got a yellow headboard, bro. I can just tell from your answer. A yellow headboard. You walked in that flat and you was like, yeah. No, to be honest, I was in the middle of a mental breakdown and I thought I just wanted to live in town for a bit. So I just took the first one that anyone would give me. That's beside the point. No, no, no. It's not beside the point

because you would need to be in a weird mental state to see that and go, I'm fucking taking it. That is actually... It's a nice yellow though. What kind of yellow? It must tell from your attitude that you think it looks shit. Oh though and you're not picturing it it's mustard that you think it looks shit oh okay mustard

yeah alright then yeah that's alright I don't mind that a mustard headboard yeah right I don't mind it

but you haven't really matched the colours to it but I do like it is it a fabric headboard yeah it's a velour kind of thing yeah

oh is it yeah okay so there's the velvet. Feels good. Yeah. That sounds so weird by me. Feels good. Feels great. My mates just spent

£1,600 on a mattress. Just moved into a new gaff. Yeah, Simba. I got a Simba a couple of years ago and it was too firm. That was because I bought the firmest one they do and I wasn't happy. Don't they do a 200-day back guarantee? Yeah, yeah, but then...

You're 200 days back. He's not sending that back. Who's sending a mattress back? It comes in a box. You've got to try and get it back in a box. See how comfy is my bed? My bed is insane. I have never spent that much on a mattress.

But spending on a mattress... You can get dead nice ones for 300 quid. It makes sense, though, doesn't it? Spending on a mattress. But spending on a mattress... You can get dead nice ones for 300 quid. It makes sense though, doesn't it? Spending on a mattress. Couch and mattress. You should spend on. You spend most of your time. It's a 10 to 15 year investment.

I spent £1,400 on a mattress once. And to be honest, the one that I had after, it was like, remember when everyone's crazy about Tempur-Pedic? Yeah. I bought one when I was living in New York. Super expensive. And then after that after a while it started to like hurt my back it sort of did too much do you know what i mean

and then i've got an ikea one after and i was like this is actually more comfortable how much 400 quid i think it's like 200 ikea ones are sick they are 300 quid memory foam ikea hoxton hotels i want to find out whatever matches they have because that is the best night's sleep i ever have really we've got a super king as well so it's uh eight foot wide massive yeah i can't i can't see it i can't see getting spending that much money on a on a mattress because it's the thing aside from your couch is the thing you spend your most no i get it i'm not i'm not sleeping on cardboard it's not like 1600 quid or i'm on a like a fucking concrete slab i get it i just think you can get a decent uh mattress for 400 quid i just'm on a fucking concrete slab. I get it. I just think you can get a decent mattress for 400 quid.

I just don't. I just feel like it's... I don't think you've tried it yet. No, it's true, yeah. What did you do with yours that was too hard? Your 10, 15 year investment? I just kept it until I moved out. Yeah.

Good investment. And left it in the house. Why was you having a mental breakdown, if you don't mind me asking? Well, I went through a breakup and I thought I was fine. But as it turns out, I think I just, you know, bought a Range Rover and moved into a 2,500-month apartment

within the space of two weeks. So it was, you know, it was a fun breakdown, you know. I could have been throwing my shit at the walls and shouting at traffic, but I wasn't doing that. No, I was the traffic in my Range Rover, driving into my apartment, bribing women to give me parking spaces. It was a good time.

I had a really nice time. Hang on, you're still driving the Range Rover and you still live in the flat? Yeah. And you're still bribing people? It's not a breakdown. No, he's through the breakdown. I mean, it can't be.

I signed a two-year lease on the apartment. You can't just walk out on that then and the car's going to take me five years to pay off. The catalyst of all them things were the breakdown. He's through it now and he's enjoying the stuff yeah yeah but I think

that breakdown looks like it's worked out yeah totally that's a good way sometimes people have a breakdown and they do something mental and then they

regret it have to go back yeah you've made all of that breakdown stick yeah totally and also he could walk out on a two

year contract he's definitely got it in him leave the lights on wander off 100% Michelle we went to the States three weeks ago i was away for two weeks and his heating was on the whole time oh my god do you know what i've been fucking talking about this man because i left my heating on by mistake and i literally came home opened up the door it was

like when i was like because i haven't had my bill yet i was like i'm gonna have to suck off an old man to pay for this like the fear was there do you know i mean my bill first so i'll let you know exactly i left my heat you know and i'm ready for the nosh off if you were the on you have to suck off ian he's irish did you leave it on full blast so i haven't got what you would call central heating. It's your radiators. I've got a heated towel rails that essentially heat up the whole. You mean you've got a

radiator, bruv? Radiators? It's called a radiator. No, but they're like they're vertical. It's a heated towel rail in your bedroom. Wait, if you can put a towel on it, then it's a radiator okay well we'll use your word

all radiators are towel radiators that's the word it's a radiator it's not my word that's the word where's your

towel rail you made it sound like the whole flat got heated from the bathroom it does what it did

on a winter's day if you're at the other end of the flat I haven't got any other radiators there's one in each bathroom so what the fuck are you worried about then who cares

you lift your heating on in one room two you've got one radiator for your whole place two one in the en-suite one in the master

yeah also it's all bills in innit no no I thought it was a couple of months ago I mentioned on this podcast where I live it's great

all your bills are included and then I was walking in the building like a week later, and I'm like, can I just have a wee bit, Adam? One of the residents listens to your podcast and has come in saying, why is Adam Rose getting all his bills included and we're paying for ours?

So I just wanted to let you know, your bills aren't included. You haven't paid any yet. All right, cool. Have you paid any yet? Yeah. Oh, that's going to be some expensive towel rails. Thank you, Pootie.

I'll just figure it off. Did you like, did you like New York? Is that where you went? We went to Nashville and then Adam and Jack went on to New York. Yeah,

we went to Nashville for 10, 10, eight days. Eight days in Nashville and then they did four in New York. Really?

What did you eat while you was there? What was your favourite meal in New York? Do you know what? It probably would have been Peter Luger's Steakhouse. Yeah. Really?

I was too hungover to enjoy it properly. Okay. Did you, Peter Luger's right. Did you have, because they're like, we can, we do two sides.

One is chips. The other one is raw onions and tomato. Yeah. The fuck is that about? I didn't order that one okay cool that's not a side because everyone goes crazy but they're like you and it is it is a great steak but but as the size i've ever had the crust on it was i don't know it's amazing is it you as you eat it you're like i'm gonna get gout like it is it's definite and i love it as well yes if it says

on the menu this comes with gout yeah sign'd be like, yeah, sign me up. Yeah, it's good. We literally just walked in and went, can we have the biggest steak you do for us too? And some chips. And that was it. It's amazing though. That was before our flight home.

We did that and then went to the airport. When you lived in New York, did you ever cook? Did you ever make food home? Or were you just eating out all the time? No, man. Also, the way your apartments are, it's like, it's not, it's not big enough to like cook and like you've got a cooker, but you know, you're not using it at all. And like, I can't cook anyway, but no, is the short answer.

Constantly eating out. Always. Cat's Deli for a big pastrami sandwich. That's always like me first stop. Cat's Deli? Yeah. Do you know that they um sold the airspace above it for like millions of dollars did they yeah because they were like oh

we can build above this and that there was some big thing in the in like the press where it was like they they sold the space above it for millions because they can't knock the building down because they're sort of listed so they build sideways and over sort of i've seen i've seen a few pictures of buildings like that where it's basically like that one's you can't touch it but you can sort of build side and above i don't know if it was that i think it was like they they owned the actual space the cat's daily space they own that and so these developers came in and were like how much and? And they were like, we're not selling it. And they were like, but for above. You know what I mean?

I think it was like that. A lot of money. Like it was just flat and it just built on top of the building. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. What was your go-to in New York when you lived there, food-wise? Where was my go-to? Yeah. For food.

Do you ever go back? Yeah. Regularly? Yeah. Well, pandemic, no. But yeah, I mean, I only moved back here in 2019. But yeah, I'll go back. The first couple of times we met, which was at Top Secret in London,

I was sort of introduced as, oh, that's Michelle from New York. Yeah. So I thought you were American. Yeah. Because when you're talking to each other in the basement at Top Secret and there's loads of noise, I just didn't pick up on your very obvious British accent. Yeah.

And then I always thought you were from New York until like two years ago. No, I would seem just like a right dickhead if he was just like, she's only been here a couple of months

fucking listening. You all right, mate? Yeah! How long you been here? Six months, brother! Golden Diner was good as well. That was it. Is that what it's called Jack?

yeah where? it's sort of what's it called? The Golden Diner oh what street's it on? 5th the diners are just fucking amazing

like you've got all of that on the the menu's just like got like a breakfast thing and a brioche bun but also a side of Korean chicken wings at breakfast time yeah it's just oh it's legit you're not living this fucking shit you know what okay this would be this would be my um oh by the way man that fucking um recommendation

that you gave me last time i was here i was amazing that food was out of town that italian place fucking it's the best saying in saying but my go-to if i was in new york would be i get up i go to any random deli and i get a bacon egg sausage and cheese roll and i get a coffee and fuck it i'm on holiday i get a packet of cigarettes as well and i just bosh them can you do that can you can you smoke a pack of cigarettes on holes and then leave it no when you get home? No, I always come back and then I'm smoking again. But you know what I mean?

I delight in myself. I'm like, ah, it's fine. I just do it while I'm here. And then six months later, I'm like, yeah. But no. Have you ever smoked? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you smoke? I used to. You don't anymore? Do you vape? I do, do. Oh, he vapes like watermelon sugar shit. anymore? Do you vape? I do, do. Oh, he vapes. Like watermelon sugar shit. Watermelon sugar. Vape.

I got hypnotized to get off the vape. I got hypnotized twice. What? It was bad, man. Hypnotized? I think, I've been hypnotized a few times for smoking, but I think vaping is...

Awful. I think it's worse than cigarettes because you just do it all the time. You just always fucking got it in your hand. You put a lighter cigarette and put it out and like there's a thing that you can just pick it up. Well, okay, done. Yeah, also you can do it in people's houses.

Like you would never smoke in someone's house, but like I would be vaping. Like I'd go into someone's house. I wouldn't ask him, do you mind if I vape? I'd just like maintain eye contact while they're chatting and I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if they don't say anything, I'm like, I'm fucking doing what I want.

Do you know what I mean? What was your flavour? I'd go cream tobacco, elf bar. Yeah. I've never had that flavour. If you've had to be hypnotised multiple times, surely it doesn't work. Shut up.

The first one didn't work. But you're off then. So this one's worked. For now, for now, for now, yeah. Till you're on holiday. Till I'm on, well, the last time I was, I went to Dubai and you can smoke inside there and I was just like, wait, what?

Cigarettes are well, they're just. They're delicious, man. Yeah, you can hate, you can hate vapes and everything, fair enough. But like the actual, the smell of it, the fact that other people have to smell it and that you fucking stink. And your fingers, I hate it.

I hate it. Take my little sugary fucking candy vape like fine but don't but don't you just miss like if you could that's what that's why dubai got me i was like i was inside i was visiting my friend and she was just like oh can i get an ashtray and i was like what the fuck is going on she's like yeah yeah you can smoke inside i was like I'll get the fag then it's fucking horrible over there what Dubai in general I mean in general yeah anyway

but like that's the worst bit of it every bar is just everyone smoking I love it I was like I'm back baby I'm back

see I think there's people who smoke who are like yeah yeah I smoke a bit and then there's the people who love smoking like our Will who's not here

today he's editing but like he's editing his grandad's ski footage who love smoking like our Will who's not here today he's editing but like he's editing his grandad's ski footage yeah it's working quickly

for the funeral it is too soon he's gonna slide his coffin down a slope he's sick but okay I did the eagle

off he goes wee yeah Will's a 30 a day kind of guy. 30, 40. What's your grandad's name? Literally like... What's your grandad's name? Bob.

Bob Nightingale. 97. Ooh, Nightingale. Bob the Blue. Tits. He's like an Eddie the Eagle. Alright. He did just die though today.

Today he died. I don't... What's his name? Because I don't actually give a fuck. I just want to do a joke. It doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter. It kind of does.

Does it? No, it doesn't massively. I get what you mean. He still loved his grandmother. I love my grandmother. He's dead as well. Have at it. Yeah.

Did he die this morning in his sleep? No, he fell off a cathedral ceiling. Michelle, in the first section, it sounds like you have a lot of simple pleasures. We will listen to our simple pleasures, everyday little things that so like you're smoking indoors were you a dappy one uh no well if i was somewhere else i wouldn't smoke indoors in my own house no i mean you're oh yeah yeah yeah that i mean that is that's beyond simple pleasure this is like a unique bit of excitement that doesn't happen anymore do you know what i mean but um simple

all right do you know what actually and i i fucking wish i didn't but i'm a picker i'm a spot picker and like that i feel like it's like mild scab off your arms mild self-harm do you know what i mean like it because i'd like i've got like a magnifying glass and i just pummel the fuck out of my face and just and it also like if i'm seeing someone you know do you do theirs uh well you you gotta you gotta find your right time because you don't want to seem but like there are people that i've dated and now i think about like i wonder how their back's doing when i lie on the couch say like I'm little spoon she will just pull my t-shirt off

exactly and just go for it yeah do you have any of the implements though have you gone that far bro I've got everything you're crazy

listen you'd think you'd think I was operating I'm steaming I'm sterilising have you got the sucker yeah I've got the

fucking yeah I've got the sucker you know what I mean they're mad then yeah yeah Yeah I got the fucking, yeah I got the sucker. You know what I mean? They're mad then. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking amateurs.

I don't like doing it. It knocks me sick a little bit. Really? Yeah. And I'm not like Dr. Pimple Popper. That's not me. I'm not like sitting down watching, but like definitely my own face.

I'm like picking things that aren't there is it not just better to let it like run its course with stuff like that I don't know it's self harm I think yeah exactly like I think that I can I think I'm

fixing something I know it's not working but there's something about it that calms me down you know how people pull their eyebrows not working, but there's something about it that calms me down. You know how people pull their eyebrows and stuff like that? There's something about it that calms me down. I know I'm fucking up my face. Pull their eyebrows? Yeah, you know how certain people pull their hairs out of their eyebrows?

Or bite their nails or something. I bite my nails. I've learned such self-control, that I let them grow so they're quite long. So then you can dine out. Then I can fucking save and up. Itphone. So then you can dine out. Then I can fucking save and up. Right.

It's like I'm saving up for nail night. Yeah, exactly. I know what you mean by that. It was nail night earlier this week, and especially if I'm pissed as well.

If I'm drunk and I'm like, I see me nails, I'm like, oh, that's so shitty. You can't like, open the can of it and stuff. Yeah.

I don't like that. Who gets pissed on a night out? It's all over town. Then goes, lovely. Me. Don't need takeaway. Everyone's got something grotty in it that they do. So that's me.

And yours is biting your nails. What's yours? I still pick my nose and eat it like a fucking child. Do you? Oh, I'm gross. Do you know what's similar to eating boogies, though? I used to, like, eat the burnt heads of matches. It's got that same, like, grainy sorting.

Right, yeah. Now, that did make you seem like a murderer, didn't it? Is that a model thing? What? Is that because you were a model, weren't you? Yeah. No, mate, it's not a model thing. We're about to go on the runway.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, you bought a whole box. No, it's not a model. You're trying to last all sitting back still. We're about to go on the runway. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, you bought a whole box. Maybe some swans. No, do you hear models have like diets that aren't healthy to keep their figure? Yeah, someone will eat sticks

in that country. Like a box of mascaras for tea. No, they just do coke. What is this? What? You know, we eat sticks. No, but there is some models out there who are eating

fucking cheese and that. Some of them eat cotton buds, don't they, to fill their stomach up? Cotton buds? Yeah. Yeah, there was chat about cotton wool balls but i've never seen the closest thing i used to see when i was modeling is like eating binging throwing up that that that is probably closer to it or just starvation do you know what i mean just like you'd see people and you're just like okay you're in deep like i was lucky when i was when i was modeling i was just naturally healthy skinny no skinny do you know what i mean yeah but

you were healthy with it you weren't like punishing your body i weren't i didn't have a good diet she was eating matches yeah yeah munching matches um yeah but uh i've never seen anyone eat a cotton ball right do you know ever so it's just like a myth i just feel like yeah it's like some urban legend thing like i would joke about it but i'm like i've never actually seen it with my own eyes i've seen girls hoover up mountains of cocaine that helps you with your appetite do you know what i mean i've seen just blatant starvation or if you'd see back then you'd see someone like eating loads of food and you're like and then they'd go toilet and you're like you're gonna go throw all of that up with them with the coke is it it just an

accepted thing like a fashion show if you're on a shoot is there just some coke on the side or is it hidden no not not now definitely i don't think now but like back then it was it's not even necessarily that there were certain pockets where you could do it. Like, especially if it was the shows. I remember I always had an agent when I first started. I didn't, I was like just a weed smoker then. And she'd, I'd go to Paris and she'd go, if you want to party, come to mine.

And I didn't understand the coding. I was just like, no, I don't want to fucking party. I was like, party? I was like, no. The gin and tonic. That's the puzzle. It's a well-known euphemism for cocaine now. Yeah. I've picked that up over the years kids party that's not it's a different euphemism yeah yeah yeah yeah just to let you know if you

get a party invite like in that seven it's probably going to be a party you pick your nose and eat it do you do you try and like are you because i've got a friend who picks his nose and eats it and i can watch him out the corner of my eye and he'll pick his nose and then he tries to like and I'm like I fucking know what you're doing oh yeah I do that if I'm ever going to eat it

I try and play it off so I'll just be like yeah no no there's nothing in my hand no no I'm just picking my tooth oh bogey don't say that

give it away not wet bogeys dry bogeys right this is why I'm saying burnt match edge you're not doing like a sloppy wet bogey I saw bogeys, right? This is why I'm saying burnt match heads. You're not doing like a sloppy wet bogey. I saw someone sniff the fingers the other day.

It was the most like in a dressing room. Someone, I don't know how long, I didn't see the scratch. I didn't see the itch. I don't know where that finger had been, but I just saw a, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You've had a fucking little rummage.

And then in your head, you're like, don't smell it, don't smell it. Is there a female version of that? You just go like that, yeah. Well, actually, to this, well, most of the time, if I go to the toilet, I sniff the gusset of my knickers. I've got to press a button. I don't know which one it is. I'm just deciding.

It's this one. Mama like that. Because imagine it. Mama like that. You pull your knickers down and they're right there. And you're weeing. I just go. Oh!

Why wouldn't you? Oh! Why wouldn't you? Oh, Michelle! Why wouldn't you? I'm so appalled. I'm turned on. Puff!

You eat your fucking boogies! Do you know what I mean? Sniff your knickers! Bro, you wouldn't! You wouldn't! Boys don't have the underpants around their knees. Well you're not sitting down and going toilet, you probably are, you bitch.

I am. We do poos. Do you know what I mean? Most people. She's got it too. We do poos. What? We do a poo.

Yeah but it's not the same because you're wearing boxer shorts right yeah but they're round by our ankles as well yeah but if you had like a leaky lady hole do you know what I mean you'd have a sniff as well

you just want to know what's cracking yeah but like my gooch probably leaks just as much as your vagina yeah but we know what comes out of there there's no surprises

it's like your arse smells of fucking shit do you know what I mean is the surprises coming out of your kinder egg no but it's just it's a delicate ecosystem

I love how little Michelle gives a but it's just a delicate ecosystem. I love how little Michelle gives a fuck. It's so good. So soothing. Are you ever disgusted in yourself? Yeah, come on. Oh, yeah.

Femme fresh. I use that on my day. Yeah, femme fresh is great. I love nicking Laura's femme fresh. What for? Just a good... I use it as shower gel.

What, for your whole body? you use Femme Fresh well I haven't grown a vagina yet shower gel I don't think that's how it works yeah but it's just like it's your girl's it's your girl's intimate wash

and you're just using it on your whole body yeah you selfish cunt do you know what I mean? imagine she's got a one thing that's for her and you're just like

it's my house it's my Fem're just like... It's my house. Do you know what I'm saying? It's my house. In his defence, he does let her have a go of his ride on Norma. On the what? His ride on Norma.

That's not a euphemism. Oh, okay. That's all right then. She's allowed to have a go around the garden. How often does she... Does she know you use it or is she like,

shit, I've got a piece of money? Yeah, do you know what I mean? I've had to change this all the time. Well, she'd know now if she was listening or watching uh i don't know but it goes down pretty quick she must be like god i really go through this she must think she's got a massive funny what she must think why have i took three days go through this later bottle of food imagine if she was going to the doctor and

going i think i've got massive funny i'm like why la Laura it looks fine she's like I don't know I keep going through a bottle of this every three days I've done the math try it try your fem first I've done the maths and it comes out massive I've crunched the numbers

hang on M-A- oh god not taking the calculation upside down massive also feminax which is meant for period pain the painkiller

that is amazing great for a hangover yeah is it feminax is the boll for period pain, the painkiller. That is amazing. Great for a hangover. Yeah, is it? Feminax is the bollocks, man. I use Iron Brew. You can't buy it in America, weirdly. Feminax and Iron Brew, your vagina wouldn't hurt. I promise you.

Iron Brew and diurelite. Yeah, I've heard that's good. Put them all together, you can go out with a boss morning. And some nails. Yeah. I've had them the night before. Nom, nom, nom. Wait, is that it then?

You bite your nails, you pick your... And also, you didn't say, is it a wet bogey or is it a dry bogey? Because that makes a big difference. Oh, succulente. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I'm not... Really? Yeah, it's organic produce.

I scratch me gooch as well. Everyone does, mate. Do you scratch your arse? No, me gooch. What's your gooch? The fucking Gaza strip between me balls and me bum. Oh, your taint. Yeah, yeah. That's the American word for it.

It's fine. Do you sniff your fingers after though? Yeah. Let's play a game of truth. Walk all the way to Anfield and then not watch the match. You know what I mean? Oh, fuck. It's about to kick off. Get me a pint. Gooch Anfield and then not watch the match. You know what I mean? Oh fuck, it's about to kick off. Get me a pint.

You should go to Anfield. That's dirty. So your simple pleasure was? Picking spots. Picking spots. Yeah. I think that's going to be a common one as well. Picking spots that aren't there really. Yeah, that's what I be a common one as well picking spots that like aren't there

really yeah that's what i'd say picking a scab picking a scab where are you getting scabs from as an adult um i drink a lot and fall over on his knees oh how did you get that though from i drank a lot and fell over fell down we fell on concrete stairs and i'm pissed on my girlfriend's window simple pleasure really and oh yeah and and

oh no and I don't think she'd let me tell that one okay just know it was worse there was layers

so just think he pissed on the window ledge what's worse I didn't do that but there's also a layer of that he made that worse as well and shit on the window ledge. What's worse? Adam did that. But there's also a layer of that. He made that worse as well. I didn't shit on the window ledge right away. No, you shit.

It was worse. Is this from inside or outside? I was stood in her bedroom. Thank God. Because the idea of her waking up and you're just outside. The window cleaner's here. I'm not cleaning it. It's not on the first floor

is it no I've just like I was in her bed so she's on that side and the window's there and instead of getting up and going to the toilet I've just got up

grabbed the microphone Adam's that's alright I've had the situation not quite like that but similar it's fine what's happened

I went I attempted to have like a one night stand. I'd taken, but first of all, it was my friend's birthday earlier on in the day. And I, and she grew up kind of religious.

So she hadn't had like a proper birthday growing up. So I was like, I'm going to do you a cake and all of this stuff. So I bought all these like veggies and dips and whatever. We're drinking. We take some MDMA. We go out to the party. It was me,

my girlfriend and our mutual guy friends. You bought MDMA we go out to the party it was me my girlfriend and our mutual guy for a woman who'd never had a cake fucking baby steps some poor quaker girl I got her a cake as well so anyway we're out we're all having a good time I'd like lost my door keys or whatever so I was like

oh we're going back to your house and at that moment I realised that my girlfriend and my guy friend were actually fucking because they were like no we're going back together

so I was like alright because I was on MDMA I was chatting to this guy and I was like I'm just going to go back to his house anyway

went back to his house and I'm like straddling him and I'm like kissing him and I come up and I was like I feel really hot and then I went down to kiss him again and i'm like straddling him and i'm like kissing him and i come up and i was like i feel really hot and then i went down to kiss him again and i was like oh my god and i there was a window next to the bed so i just pulled up the window chucked up out of it and obviously after that i

was like okay no sex he leaves in the morning right i wake up when you're in his house yeah and he left yeah he left to go to work all right okay i thought you'd like you're out the window and gone and by the way he means but i woke up in the morning and the sick had um because it was winter the sick that i'd done on the window so after eating all those veggie dips and hummus and stuff had like expanded like a giant cabbage and sort of like free insulation in, and it cost 11 cases, who's complaining there? Yeah, it's like expanded and I was like, I've got to get it off.

So I thought I sort of went, shimmied it open and tried to like melt the big cabbage head of sick off. And while I was doing that, cause it was a studio apartment, some dude just sat up on the sofa and was like, you all right i was like what the fuck is going on and he'd been there all night watching the whole thing i didn't realize someone was sleeping on the sofa anyway it's all very embarrassing but um yeah don't worry about it can we have a break immediately please i think that counts as pretty rude doesn't it oh, I didn't tell you about Nigel.

Let's close this bad boy out. Let's close it out. You've been a wonderful guest as always, Michelle. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for coming back. You're welcome. Got nothing to plug, have you?

I mean, I just can't be arsed. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, follow me on Instagram. Oh, you know what, though? The last time I was was here um i was like what the fuck is going on i just got like this influx of like white guys following me i was like what the fuck is happening man it was just coming in thick and fast i was like david kevin trevor adam david kevin like i like, what the fuck? I did follow her back. Yeah. Our fans will take you in

and then you are, they will buy your tickets, they will support you and you're one of the family. As soon as you come on and you smash it, they'll take you in. I should have come here,

I should have come here before I went on tour. I think we tried to, innit? Yeah. Fucking train strikes or some shit. And you didn't record your tour as a special?

No, I didn't. But to be honest i'm gonna go i'm i like it was my first time touring around the country and i was like okay by the time i get back to london i was like i really want to make sure that it's like nicely tight and so this i'm not done with this hour do you know what i mean i'll i'm writing a show at the moment so I'm in the middle of like a pretty heavy writing schedule. But when I finish with that, I'll take this hour on tour again for sure. Sweet. Are you writing a TV show?

Yeah, yeah. I'm writing a show for BBC two that come out this time next year. What's it? Any details you wanna drop or can you not? Is it about your life yeah kind of like loosely based about you know a sort of aged an aged model comes back to like london and she's basically like homeless but she's trying to front like she isn't do you know what i mean so she's got like keeping up appearances kind of thing going on but but like better yeah nice is there is the puking out the window story in it fucking no and also morning

yeah no no no that's not in there um should we do some underrated overrated yes hit the jingle hit the jingle this is just a thing where we say a thing and you say, that's overrated or that's underrated or that's just great. All right, cool. Could be anything. So the first one we've got is Primark. It's fucking overrated.

It's a shit shop, isn't it, where you go when you're skinned and you need cheap stuff? It's good for socks. I think if you're skin you skin it's pretty good rated yeah but everyone rates it you don't need to

over it like oh do you know what people don't give enough time and attention to Primark it's like yeah

everyone loves it so overrated but is it as good as people say it is that's what we're saying it's as cheap as people say it is

yeah do you know what I mean yeah and like you go in there you're gonna go in there you're gonna find something and you're gonna go that's a fucking bargain and you're gonna leave with it and then it's gonna disintegrate as soon as the air touches one wash and it's done one wash my friend and it is done t-shirts are finished after the walk like if you want like a throwaway t-shirt for whatever reason it's good or if you want 20 t-shirts for

Sensei Carl's chaotic quiz that looked mental when I was buying 10 orange t-shirts and 10 purple ones different sizes but yeah

also the queue in Primark is never not like it's never not stressful yeah it's 40 people yeah

yeah 40 pissed off people but they're quick I will give them that like the till people yeah it's 40 people, minimum. Yeah, yeah. 40 pissed off people. But they're quick, I will give them that. Like the till people. Yeah. It's like fucking supermarket sweep for them. Yeah. It's like they're all on a challenge.

They're like, fuck, do you want a bag? No, where's your clothes? Fuck off, next. Yeah, no, they're good. They're good. They don't even charge. They could do sort of those car, like, the paper bag bags and shit.

They're poo. People are buying 40 quid of clothes at a time, which is like 80 fucking items. They're trying to protect the environment, you pair of heathens. They're also selling 40p jeans. What? They're selling jeans for 40 pence. They get thrown in a landfill.

No, but I mean, like, they're not trying to save a da-da, are they? Yeah. Everything helps. I never leave there. I never leave there happy. No? I'm never like, fucking yeah, I'll just leave there. And never leave there happy. No? I'm never like,

fucking yeah, I'll just leave there. And I'm like, thank God I've made it out. Can you name a shop for me where you do leave thinking, fucking yeah. TK Maxx.

Okay. And that's why I was asking you earlier. I said, what time do you want to start? Because I was like, I'm going to go in TK Maxx, go and have a little meet you around the gold label, try and get some bargains.

Similar jumble sale vibe though, isn't it? TK Maxx. Similar. Better clothes you think? Yes. Well, well tk max's brands that have been like so it's like a it's like a um outlet store for every brand in it yeah yeah i so my idea of hell like if i get to hell it's uh like the devil will go here's a phone and there's a pile of uh virgin tv contracts and you've got to call virgin and cancel all of them one by one that would be however i would i would never a close second

would be go and find an item of clothing that fits you and you like from tk maxx yeah i found shorts in there in glasgow once and they were like extra small or like 4xl I hate it so much. So where do you go and get your clothes then? Like shops where like you walk in and they go,

right, you see that jacket you've got in the window? Have you got that in every size? Yeah, can I try the large and the extra large? Cool,

take the large. Like Zara. Okay. Zara's solid, isn't it? Take him actually go and you go, I'll find these shorts. They're like the perfect ones

that I'm after. Have you got these in my size? No. Yeah. But we have got them to fit either a baby or Rick Waller. So,

which ones do you want? All right. So when I go there, I'm going specifically to the gold label. So that is a, that is like a smaller bit of,

you know, things that you can pick from. Don't they have the mod shop as well? I don't know. TK Maxx have got like a, like the cooler clothes. Haven't't they they do it like a section called the mod shop i know they organize the shoes in order of size rather than fashion i like design which is the most insane thing ever what that's great man i just want to see what's available i don't want to see a pair of shoes

and then be like oh it doesn't fit although i don't really buy shoes from TK Maxx, but whatever. I don't either. I mean, come on. It's not the most insane thing ever. No. Like, I get what you mean. It might be not. But like, it does sort of. I think that works for their shop. If you want a size 8, you can see them all. Aesthetically, it's ordinary. Yeah, it's a jumble, sir.

I'm underwhelmed by the suggestion of Primark in this section. So it's overrated. What's your idea of hell then? Adam said there's an unending contract. Probably the same, man, because Carphone Warehouse keep on calling me and saying, you're ready for an upgrade.

And I'm like, I don't care. I would rather keep the phone that I've got so I don't have to fucking talk to you. Which is an iPhone 5C. Put them on a 12. It's not bad, isn't it? Yeah, I'm just like, I don't care because I just don't

want to do the admin yeah admin my idea of hell is watching a romantic period drama on repeat forever

dear John no is that period period drama where nothing happens and I'm like I fancy him oh you can't

he's skimmed yeah although that's alright actually on your couch no just having to sit and watch it just put me on a chair

and I've got to watch period dramas on repeat oh my god like Downton Abbey like is that worse than musicals yeah he's never seen a musical

I have I've been to Broadway in New York I've seen Phantom of the Opera I've seen School of Rock I've seen other things I haven't seen the garbage

you like Dean Evan Hansen, shite. Fucking sick. All this, you know. Waving through the window. But certain much opinion dramas where nothing happens, they're just like,

oh, I love him. Well, I can't love him because he comes from a family I'm not allowed to love. He's written a letter. Yeah. Oh, read it out, read it. Quite like him.

Finn? Another overrated, underrated, full English breakfast. Underrated. Yeah. It's just... Because some people are just like, quite like him Finn another overrated underrated full English breakfast underrated yeah it's just because some people are just like oh breakfast food

shit it's not it is a perfect meal to start your day got a good amount of like meat the more bacon the better

one or two sausages is fine two eggs ash brown black pudding beans in their own little... Ramekin.

Well done. Is that you? Is that you? That's better. Yeah, but if the beans are in a ramekin, if I went into a caf and the beans were in a ramekin,

I would question the authenticity of that greasy spoon. No. Right, because beans in ramekins is also cherry tomatoes still on the vine. That's not giving me

proper good English breakfast. Yeah, you can shove them right up your arse you know what I mean I don't want the tomatoes at all to be honest with you but then oh because all tomatoes

are heavy I don't like tomatoes but beans in a ramekin you're not getting a decent English breakfast you are beans in a ramekin is just

that's like beans in a ramekin sounds like a fucking great album it's just beans in a ramekin I understand what you're saying I I understand what you're saying. I do understand what you're saying.

I don't like that hand. That hand's like, but go fuck yourself. Yeah, well, I do want you to go fuck yourself because I will take beans in a ramekin over the possibility of the beans touching me. All right, all right. What's a fucking ramekin? Hold on, hold on. It's a little bowl.

A little bowl? The little glass things. You know, like those like goop desserts come in. Oh, there's ramekin. Oh yeah. Yeah. We've got loads of ramekins.

Do you sound like someone who eats one thing at a time in their meal? Because otherwise you'd be fine. Are you putting a bit of everything on your fork at the same time?

What? Like a pedophile? No. They're lizards. There you go. There you fucking go so you're eating the beans at once and then you're eating the bacon a bit of sausage beans i'll have a fork full of beans and i'll eat them and then i'll have a bit of sausage yes off whoa that's

the right way to do it dude what i'll have an are you the person who squashes it on one fork what are we doing no that makes i'll put i'll make a little Bacon butty With me toast I'll put me bacon On me toast And make a little Bacon butty And have that And I'll dip that

In me egg Little tiny meals In one meal Why do you think They put it all together? Just have a bacon butty All in ramekins No you need a fucking

Blender That's what you're after You might as well Fucking just neck it Is everything in a ramekin? I won't eat bacon In a ramekin No you have little bits My napkins in a ramekin? I won't eat bacon in a ramekin. No, you have little bits. My napkin's in a ramekin.

You save your favourite things and near the end, so you're happy about it at the end. How is your mouth dealing with the texture mixture of mushrooms and sausage on the same fork? What are you talking about? Why would I order the meal if I wasn't going to put it in my mouth at the same time? Because you don't have to put it in your mouth at the same time. Because you don't have to put it in your mouth

at the same time. You're a fucking idiot. That's what I think. Do you put chips on your pizza? No. Why? This is not the same meal. Don't try to swing the pendulum too far mate.

Chips on my pizza. No, who's having chips on their pizza? Well you put all your meals together in one big bite don't you? So have you had pizza and chips? I wouldn't have pizza and chips because I'm not a fucking tramp. Do you know what I mean?

Like, those are two separate meals. But what I'm talking about is the... Wait, does everyone in this room do that? You're staying quiet. What about you? He doesn't eat. I don't trust ramekins. And I've just decided.

But what about the fire? Do you eat one thing at a time? No, I'm not... Do you eat a burger and then go, I'll finish my burger now. Now I'm going to have the chips. I mean, I think we're describing autism, aren't we?

Can we stop for a sec? It's a bit spectrum-y to me. Burger and chips is a perfect example because pizza and chips, I understand. No, can we stop talking about pizza and chips? I don't know what you lot fucking do in Liverpool, but this is savage. We can, listen.

Let's not, I want to take this off the table as an example and now move to burger and chips. Burger and chips, right. So you've got a burger and chips. Take this off the table as an example and now move to burger and chips. Burger and chips, right. So you've got a burger and chips as your meal. Yeah. Are you telling me that you put chips in your mouth at the same time as the burger? No, you know why?

Because I'm a fucking lady, all right? I'm not like... Yeah, so you have them separately? And then I'll go... And that's what I do with me breakfast. Oh, so you have burger in your mouth and go, chips as well? Yeah.

Wow. No. Michelle, get off this hill because you are going to die on it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It is psychopath behavior. No. You lot are on a little shitty hill together and I'm on a mountain with the rest of society. No.

No, no, no. You are on Michelle eats burgers like a twat mountain. All on your own. I'm telling you right now no one in the history of food has ever took a bite of their burger kept it in their mouth and added chips to it you are on your own hey do you know what i'm not fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you you lot are fucking idiots adam deals only in in absolutes. Of course. Why is it absolute fucking twat? Because that is a shitty suggestion.

You take a burger, you're chewing it, you're throwing a chip. Also, I don't care. You lot fucking put chips on your pizza. That's right. No, we don't. I was asking you.

No, we don't do that. That's what we were saying. You don't do that. Because you would never do that. Because you eat chips and pizza together. At the same time. Who doesn't have a side of chips? Chips improve every cuisine as a side.

Can I ask one? Anyway, underrated. Next. Can I just ask? Because I'm kind of in the middle of either of you. Just come over here. Stop fucking sucking up to these knob cheeses. Some meals are separate.

But, for example, sausage and mash, you have them on the same fork. Obviously. That's because you get the sausage and get a bit of mash. Oh, don't prove me wrong. I'm just saying that there are examples where the stuff is meant to go together. Examples, examples.

It's on your side. What are you on about? I'm sticking up for you. No one's eating sausages and then eating the mash. Michelle's just come for more. No, I'm not. Finn's like, you got a good point there. She's like, no, I haven't.

Fucking shut up. No, but that's not a good example because everyone's eating sausage. It's like, you got a good point there. She's like, no, I haven't. Fucking shut up. No, but that's not a good example because everyone's eating sausage. It's just, you know what I mean? Fish and chips. Bit of fish, bit of chip. No, I have a bit of the thing on the plate and then the other thing on the plate

and then I'll alternate. Sometimes I eat like six chips, a bit of fish, loads of fish. I'll mix it up and then I'll finish them all together. Listen, I appreciate what you were saying. Thank you. I'm not saying that I'm not in need of an ally,

but I would just like a better example. Okay, roast dinner. Roast dinner. Thank you. You've got a bit of everything. A bit of everything on a roast dinner. Thank you. See, that's what I'm saying.

Absolutely not. Before we move on to a roast dinner, and yous are already wrong before we even started talking about it, here's why the mash thing is the exception or part of an exception yeah and with fish and chips there's the same exception because like if i have fish and chips i'll also have mushy peas with it okay and mushy peas i would have with either a bit of fish or the chips

because it's runny and the mash is like runny you can mix stuff that's runnier than what you've got with the stuff right Right. Like beans? You don't have fish and chips. You don't have a bit of fish and chip together. You have a bit of fish, you eat it. I think Dan was saying he does. Is that what you were saying? I mean, it's not unheard of that you are munching on a bit of burger

and then you get a few fries in as well. Thank you. I mean, is that... Oh my God. Yeah, exactly. Oh my God. He's like, how could you? You've never said that in three years.

Roast dinner dinner surely you mix some stuff up like like I know this is probably a weird example to the nth degree of what you were saying

roast dinner by the end of the meal I will have a tiny bit of all my favourite things and they are ready for the last bite I'll have a

a spud and then I'll have a bit of me meat and then I'll have me but then but then but then a bit of a roast I'll have a bit of me meat and then I'll have me... But then a bit of a roast potato with a bit of meat is like a chicken...

No, I just don't do that. I want to enjoy the spud. Oh, I did that with your Christmas roast. I had a little bit of... Do you know what? This is actually blowing my mind because I thought that people that only eat one thing at a time

were like in a really small minority and I'm just not I'm not sure that all of that minority is in this room like do you know what I mean I'm just like

what the fuck oh we agreed though that if you eat everything individually in order that is full on spectrum stuff that's awesome yeah

yeah yeah either side while I'm eating that fish was nice I better chip after that I'll be good oh them chips are great I'll have five chips. Right, Adam's fucking counting the beans.

He's like, one, two, three. No, man. I'll do a fork full of beans and I'll be like, right, a bit of me sausage. Oh, that was nice. Bit of me egg. Do you know what?

Bit more egg, actually. I'll double up on me egg. You might finish the egg. Yeah. And then just throw the ramekin. Wow. I honestly have never... Ramekin's the greatest thing to happen to the English breakfast, I've never, the greatest things happen to the English breakfast.

I've never heard anyone talk so passionately about something that I could give less of a fuck about. Yeah. It's an amazing few moments. I am. I am going to say though, I would like, I think if you're having an English breakfast and there's a ramekin there, you're eating at the wrong place.

I'm not, that's more brunch vibes. That's it. Okay. What do you mean? Whatever. I understand., that's more brunch vibes. That's it. Okay, what do you mean? Whatever. I understand. As an olive branch,

I understand your... As an olive branch? I don't fucking want it. I don't care. You're wrong. Do you know what I mean? She chops down the olive branch. As an olive branch.

Oh, thank you. Ah. What's next? You never mentioned it. Sorry, everyone who was waiting for that. Should we just have a little middle ground here?

Absolutely fucking not It's an argument Me too Right Should we do some advice? Yeah We've got to wrap it up Oh

Do you want to have a word then? No do the advice Fuck the have a words Do the advice Okay Are we having the jingle or are we just going for it? Can I say it in Fede?

Start off then Here to help I'll solve your problem Oh not start singing Can I say it in Fade? Start, Finn Here to help I'll solve your problem Oh, not start singing I think the producer told me to fade it Right, okay So Dan

Go on, Finn This is from Agony Adam This is from Rees Mulkerrin Wag wag boys Hopefully this is the right email Otherwise I'm fucked Sure

Basically I've always told my missus how strongly I feel about things that are unattractive to me, such as short hair on girls, piercings, et cetera. She's now contemplating the idea of an eyebrow piercing,

the kind of one that 14-year-old boys get. If she actually does it and I don't find her attractive anymore, do I tell her before or after? Love the pod. How can you tell her before if you don't know what it's going to look like yet? Hasn't he already told her before by saying he doesn't like him?

Yeah, but if she goes through with it, is that a blatant disrespect? You know this? You lived this situation. You literally lived this situation. I did live this situation. So Finn's ex-girlfriend knew he was allergic to cats and bought 12 cats.

Right, that's why she's your ex-girlfriend. And this is the thing. When we do that, what we're doing, it's just a little test. We're not actually going to go and get our eyebrow pierced unless your ex-girlfriend, she was like, I'm really going to fuck him off. Do you know what I mean?

It's just a little test thing. She's not actually going to go and do it. What she's doing is she just wants you to tell her that you love her regardless and it doesn't matter what she does. That's it. And if she does it... See, women love being regardless and it doesn't matter what she does. That's it. And if she does it, if she gets the piercing,

she actually wants to fuck him off. Yeah, but she's a fully grown adult. Who's getting an eyebrow piercing as an adult? Also, can I have a ruling on the girls with short hair?

Because I think it looks great. It depends on the face. I suppose so, yeah, a little bit. But I've never, I quite like short hair. Don't think it's a bad thing. It very much depends on the face I suppose so yeah a little bit but I've never I quite like short hair don't think it's a bad thing it very much depends

on the face that guy's dead against it if a girl can pull it off it looks incredible but if they can't it doesn't he's got nothing to worry about

she's not gonna she's just testing him she's like mum I'm thinking about it how do you feel if I got a neck tattoo do you know what I mean and then he's just

gotta go I'd love you regardless look out for that face that face is a giveaway if she does that face Michelle are there any like red flags with you when you see someone

you like them like facial tattoo eyebrow piercing I mean a facial tattoo would be nose piercing tongue split do you know

to be honest I'm like what would it be maybe maybe a man bun that would probably do it but I'd do you know what I mean honest, I'm like, what would it be? Maybe a man bun? That would probably do it. But do you know what I mean? If the person was cool, nah.

Do you know what I mean? Even if a teardrop? Yeah, no, that's hot. No. I believe that. Yeah, no, probably more clothes, to be honest. What about the tattoo of another woman's name from his past? Well, it happens, doesn't it? On it on his cock well how long's their name that could be exciting well it's alex and he

gets hard on it's alexander yeah whatever man do you know what i mean like everyone's had a life innit i went out with a guy who had some really bad like 90s tattoo that was kind of hard to that's kind of hard actually boys on his forehead yeah exactly but no no no no nothing like that I saw him till he started dating hiya love you alright? yeah yeah

no I'm warm question do you remember Euro 96? because I enjoyed that tournament quite a lot it's Euro 96 it's Gaza Crown no it's the actual emblem

the official fucking you wait for emblem it's Galion I can do it I don't know if I've got

a particular red flag that would Carl's got a fucking long list have I I feel like

you're quite pernickety I think if a woman got her pussy I was in the restaurants on a first date, that might put me off. Right?

Yeah. She was just like, hey, I'll look at that. I'd be like, do you know what? You're a bit too far. Can we get the bill, please? Yeah, maybe, yeah. No, I haven't got any.

It's not, like, behaviour stuff. Yeah, loads of behaviour stuff. But if we're talking about, like, physicalities. Piercings or hair. No. You just said clothes. How important is that? No, I'm saying maybe, but how important is that like no I'm saying

I'm saying maybe but it's not like I'm saying if it was anything it would probably be clothes because that's something you can't like it's not like

things that you can actually help you know what I mean so what's like if he turns up in a top hat is that a no-go I mean

yeah to be honest that would be a no-go yeah nobody's gonna Rolls Royce and he's dressed in like top hat and tails yeah

he's like let's go to the ball yeah then I'd probably be like fucking hell this guy's a bit eccentric I'm going to the ball let's see what's cracking but then

when he gets to the ball he just meant a Tottenham game yeah I don't know what else oh Dan Dan what a fitting tribute this episode has been to my late

grandfather thanks for coming in michelle good um you know what it's been an absolute pleasure and i'm happy that i could like remind you that this is actually no joking matter about your granddad yeah it's fun it's fun it's like when you're trying to make light of grief grieving it's great for someone you don't seem like you're grieving though you're just here for the bands do you know what i mean yeah this isn't the wake though is it i kind of get what you mean but we are on an episode of have a word and if i don't turn up if i imagine these fucking animals if i came and go guys could we just do a sad one today adam would be like yeah like come on yeah but no one's sitting there going oh god he hasn't mentioned yet

that his grandad's dead like no one's saying that so he could have just not said anything I woke up to that news I just wanted to know I'm crying for an hour were you

and then you were like fuck the skiing joke I've got to do that he would have loved that never met him but I was so I thought I wake up just because

i found out first thing yeah i'm gonna message the boys so that i don't turn up and have to go i just so i thought i'd get it out of the way everyone was nice over a message and then it's fine we get on with it i do you know okay well thanks for pulling me i'm sorry for your loss and i guess it's that kind of thing that like, you know, that sort of toxic masculinity where everyone's got to have a joke about it. Cause you said that you're feeling sad and actually what we should have done, you should have come in big group hug. Yeah, no,

but I'm getting a bit of inheritance as well. So there's a bit of a balance. Yeah. I got three grand with my mum and dad. He got three grand off my granddad as well this morning. That's why he's not asked. He's well happy. How much do you think you're gonna get

no let me have it how much are you gonna get enough for a ride on mower see you at mine this is dedicated to Mr Bob Nightingale oh Bob Nightingale

yeah oh Bobby Night oh Bobby Night last of the fucking grandparents and what Bobby loved was independent music yeah he did

he loved it and this is his song my grandad wrote a song sorry Michelle it's his favourite band oh he loved the punk rock band I Tell Lies he loved I Tell Lies

they're booked for the wake is he dead? my dad is on so much glue that if I honestly suggested booking these for the funeral, he'd probably do it. Oh, please. It's better song.

Ski lift or something. Ski lift. It's better song. It's called like, it's called, it's called Limbs. This is fucked up, actually. Like, I feel like,

no, no, I feel like, I feel like, Adam should just, I feel like, I feel like Adam should just reach over now and just give you a hug. Do you know what I mean? Just. He's too warm.

He's too sweaty from laughing. That's dead limbs. Just want to say, I picked this out yesterday. This isn't a. Did you know he was an amputee? Yeah. RIP. I'm really sorry for your loss thank you michelle this is

how we deal with it yeah bob langale was a legend clearly yeah he was a legend anyway uh enjoy enjoy limbs limbs Limbs Limbs Limbs, give me limbs Head, shoulders, keys and shins Limbs, give me limbs Your mouth's throwing up the pins Limbs, give me limbs Fuck the Tories

Limbs, give me limbs Fuck his majesty the king Limbs, give me limbs Better lift at the door Limbs, give me limbs No scraps on the floor Limbs, give me limbs Is this Ziggy for dindins?

Limbs, give me limbs Are you keeping score? Limbs, give me limbs Just give me some limbs Limbs, give me limbs Just give me some limbs Limbs, give me limbs Just give me some limbs

Limbs, give me limbs Just give me some limbs I'm not sold on your high street I'm in the lost and found I walk on cobbles with bad feet Just a trick you never doubt Lens Lens Lens Let's give me that

Head, shoulders, keys and shins Let's give me that Dinner at Kanye and Kim's Let's give me that Don't be under the influence Let's give me that Of your influences Let's give me that

Just keep on bonfitting Let's give me that no sheeps to the fox So we keep on breeding, just chain me the stocks Just give me some limbs, just give me some limbs Just throw them up, just give me some fucking limbs I'm not sold on your high street I'm in the lost and found I'll buckle colds with my feet

Just a drink, you never die Just a drink, you never die Just a, just a I'm not sold on your high street I'm in the lost and found I walk on cobbles with bare feet Just a judge, you never die I'm not sold on your high street

I'm in the lost and found I walk on cobbles with bad feet Just a dregs, you never doubt Lens, give me lens Lens, give me lens Lens, give me lens Lens, give me lens Just give me some fucking lens I'm not sold on your high street, I'm in the lost and found.

I walk on cobbles with bare feet, just a dregs you never down. I'm not sold on your high street, I'm in the lost and found. I walk on cobbles with bare feet, a dregs, you never doubt Let's Just carry some fucking lead you