Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #226 with Jack Whitehall - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 28, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig (24th June): https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtube Love how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJack Whitehallhttps://twitter.com/jackwhitehallhttps://instagram.com/jackwhitehallTickets for Jack Whitehall: Settle Down are on sale now. Ticketmaster have also waived their fees on select tickets. Tickets on sale now from ticketmaster.co.uk/jackwhitehall” ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Adam Rowe. This is my podcast co-host Dan Nightingale. This is the Have A Word podcast, and we have some exciting news, although it's not news because this has been the case for quite a while. We're on tour! We are going on tour. Tickets are available at haveawordlive.com. Now, here's the thing. We're doing a live version of this podcast with many special guests joining us. We've already done one show in Birmingham, huge success, and we have shows coming up in Newcastle, Dublin, and Glasgow. Newcastle and Glasgow,

very close to sold out, but Dublin needs a bit of a push, you know what I'm saying? Vicar Street, Dublin, Thursday the 6th of July, get in it. Irish lids, come on. There's still a couple of hundred tickets left,

and we'd like to sell this big old room out, but we're getting there. In the autumn, I'm on tour, dannightingale.com, all around the country. And then Adam's on tour. Pretty much the same time as Dan, adamrode.co.uk. I'm going all over the gaff. Europe, the UK, Australia, and America still to be announced.

I'm very excited about it. And on top of that, the primary purpose of this little pre-roll is to tell you about this podcast's Patreon page. If you're not already a Patreon, what are you waiting for? 22,000 and counting. We are the 18th biggest Patreon on the planet. Patreon.com slash have a word pod starts from just three quid a month

and you get all of these extras. You get a Patreon exclusive every Wednesday. Just me, Adam, Carl, and the boys, unadulterated, unfiltered, have word at its best. You also get the early release of the public episode. The pubes get it Monday. If you're a patron, you get it Saturday. And then also the back catalogue of all the patron specials,

which are some of our finest fucking work. It's not just patron specials. You get access to the entire back catalogue. Every bonus episode that we've ever done, you get as soon as you sign up. And like Dan said, we do a special every month. We've done drunk episodes in here, our legendary lock-ins. We've been on two ghost hunts.

We've done the Amsterdam special, which is the most popular one we've ever done. And coming this month, we've got the Nashville special. A two, maybe even three-part special coming this month. And if you sign up from just three pound you get access to all the content five pounders and ten pounders get extra bonuses for signing up for a bit more money but if you're just after the content you can get it all from

just three quid a month at patreon.com slash have a weird pod 22k get on me have a weird live.com for those tickets yeah yeah? Yes. All the live show tickets, all my tickets, all Dan's tickets. Come on. All in one convenient place. Come see the lids. Wag Wag Lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed, get on me. Oh, smooth. Mmm, smooth. Welcome to this week's episode with a mystery guest coming in the second half. You'll know by the title of the fucking episode. Basically, we've got a celebrity booked in,

but you know, sometimes they cancel. That's Jim Davidson for you. Unreliable. Would we get Jim on? Yeah. Would we? Yeah. Having a game of snooker?

Big break? Eat smokers? John Virgo would say no. Get Ted Anki in when he gets out of prison. I think John Virgo just turns up every time Jim Davidson's having a game of pool. And John Parris. Would we do?

Would we book Jim Davidson? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. A hundred percent. Why not? Because he's audible racist, stupid old cunt.

He is, yeah. Yeah. There is that, but apart from that, numbers? We'd fucking ruin him. It'd be great. Ooh.

You wouldn't. You'd be great. Ooh. You wouldn't. You'd be fucking sucking them off. Why would I suck Jim Davidson off? Things said at work. Will you get Katie Hopkins in? No. No. Mad.

What? Do you mean mad? We could just ruin it. What podcast is this? What are you on about? I think it'd be fucking great. It's not a fucking wanky alt-right YouTube. No, it isn't, no.

But we could go look at you, you big thumbhead cunt, and if she leaves, it's 10 seconds of gold. Isn't it? All right, yeah. I will see it. She comes in, we're not going to be nice.

If she wants to leave, viral, if she wants to stay. That just makes us look like bullies. Yeah. And that could humanise it. And she's a big horse-faced cunt and she should stay that way. So if this is the first time watching Have A Word

because of the big guest stick around because we've got some plans for this how you doing how's your day been oh really really good

when you're instantly out of nowhere nice to me it's off-putting what's up you alright you okay everything fine I'm good we have a healthy relationship we do have a pretty healthy relationship yeah Constantly out of nowhere nice to me. It's off-putting. What's up? You all right? You okay? Everything fine?

I'm good. We have a healthy relationship. We do have a pretty healthy relationship. Yeah. I mean, it's nearly 98% done here, innit? Yeah. Well, we can't be friends away from here, can we? Because then we'll have nothing. We can't do stuff together.

We can't monetize it. And not film it. Are you fucking joking? If I rang Adam for a catch-up. Oh, I'd be so annoyed. What have you been up to? It would last four seconds. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm not telling you what I've been up to. We've got to talk about it tomorrow. All right, mate. How's things? Tell you what I've been thinking about. Shut up. Anyway, you don't even like being called. No.

No. There's no one who can call me who I am happy when the phone rings. There's no reason to call me. Like, even if you were telling me, even if I won the lottery and the lottery were like, oh, we found out Adam Rose won

and it'd fucking ring him, text me. Yeah, but you wouldn't know it's the lottery because it would come up as an 01 something something fucking number. I've started answering the phone. No! Good.

I will be using the bullshit bell right now. Good. No, come on, no, no. I've started answering the phone From 01773 fucking Norwich Whatever the number is Because I've realised They're not in my house

And they can't get me If I answer the phone to someone And I don't like who it is I can just hang up Yeah If someone rings me and they're like Mr O you've got to fill this form in And come down

I'm like no fuck off And I literally do that I've got no problem Just putting the phone down Same Got a totally new system How long do you last Before the phone goes same got a totally new system how long do you last before the phone goes down i mean how many depends who it is i get really excited now because

when it's one of those numbers if it's like a ambulance chaser twat who's like hey you've been in a car accident that wasn't your when it's them hey all right lads i've seen here you've been injured or had a car crash or felt sad recently recently you need to get some money I love those phone calls because I I had a video of me talking to one of them on TikTok

doing like a million views because I was just winding them up yeah it wasn't one of them it was a phone guy wasn't it phone contract

hello Mr. O we have got new contract for you sir the contract you are on you tell me what it is I give you a better deal and I'm like

alright lads. And I told him. I said I was on an iPhone 5C. I said, I've had it for a while. I'm paying £120 a month for 1,000 minutes and 200 texts. And he was going, oh, sir, my friend,

I can get you a much better phone than this. I can get you iPhone 12 and for like £45 per month, I can give you unlimited everything better phone than this i can get you iphone 12 and for like 45 pounds per month i can give you unlimited everything and i was like wasn't born yesterday mate i know when something's too good to be true lad he's like no sir do you want this deal and then i said yeah but can you bring me back tomorrow because i'm in the media i'm in the middle of burying a dead body no no he goes okay sir when is a good time to call you back tomorrow?

And I was like, oh, well, I think by the time I've buried this stupid bitch who broke my heart and I've washed my hands and got all the blood

out of me clothes, I think about two o'clock tomorrow will be sound and he goes, okay, two o'clock tomorrow, I think. Because he doesn't give a fuck.

All he is, he's on commission and he knows who's mayor that doesn't need phones as well. Yeah, that's not in the training plan for that call centre. By the way, that was a Swansea accent that Adam was doing,

if you're wondering. The call centre was in Swansea. If you go and watch that video, it's a pitch perfect accent of that man. I need to start answering these calls though, don't I? Because I don't. If it's an unrecognised mobile... Why? It could be a hospital.

It could be a hostage situation if anyone abducts my wife and kids it's not going to come up as a recognised number is it I reckon they when a hostage situation happens when they take your wife and kids hostage

they often ring you from your wife's phone they go dial your husband you said that with a lot of authority or 141 yeah clever

what's 141 it's blocking them oh my god they'll never know no but it could be a hot it could be something important i answer every call yeah you could have a long lost relative who's left you billions you're you're on the different side of this call carl you literally speak to everyone for prolonged arguments and phone like every direct debit that you should have already set up is a weird battle online with someone in a call center, isn't it?

Yeah. So you're too far on the other side of the spectrum. My therapist thinks I'm avoiding all my problems because the chaos it brings makes my life entertaining. And if I actually got everything done, my life would just be boring to me. That's why he loses eating on. So you just bring the noise.

Yeah, apparently. Apparently I'm causing myself chaos because i would find it boring to not be in the midst of chaos it makes so much sense i've seen it i've seen it live if adam has admin to do you could sellotape it to his fucking forehead and he'd still be like i'm not doing that to his fucking desk matthew salati something that he had designed to his desk so he couldn't put it in the bin

but in my head all the unrecognised numbers is just boring and I don't want to know yeah but often it's fun if you play with it yeah it's just some gobshite

who's trying to get their commission on something and they've bought all the data and it's like hello sir I have a do you want to buy

a holiday home in Madrid it's Jeff Holidays he's back holiday home in Madrid? It's Jeff Holidays. He's back. Holiday home in Madrid? You've heard of Spain. A lot of people go to the beach.

Don't do it. Go to the biggest city in Spain. Mainland. Mainland Spain. Who needs beaches? We have motorways. Answer your phones, people. I hate dealing with people over text and email.

Because you can go, you can say an email in five seconds. I can't do that. Okay, cool. By the way, I'm saying right now, if that phone rings at any point in this episode, I'm answering it. Because I'm just,

I think the podcast gods are going to be with us and we're going to get a cold call. So you two are the opposite. You'd rather a phone call and you'd rather a text. Yeah. I'd rather a phone call. So how do you two communicate? Text. Because'd rather a phone call and you'd rather a text. Yeah. I'd rather a phone call. So how do you two communicate? Text. Because I just refuse to bow to his demands.

I never call him though, because I know he doesn't like it. Yeah. But I hate text. But at least you're consistent with the form of communication. We talked about this on an old episode. If someone messages you on text, then just get back to them on text.

If they go WhatsApp, they go WhatsApp. If they go Facebook Messenger, just tell your auntie Linda to fuck off. If someone who usually texts me, rings me, I panic. Cause I'm like, someone's dead.

Yeah. You can't text someone saying someone's dead. Do you know what I mean? I assume it's bad if someone's ringing me. Yeah. Because why are you ringing me? What's that important so if you want to fuck with adam's anxiety if he doesn't answer the first time ring four more times knowing

he's not going to answer so he has five missed calls oh yeah that's definitely when someone that's an explosion text message honestly they go right on my shit list i'll cut them out me will you will yeah using you will have you done? Did we sellotape that to your forehead? I've got a last will and testament. No, you haven't. What? When? I set it up last week. Do you have a direct debit for your fucking energy bills?

I set it up last week. Who? You're not married? Who's she going to? Like family and friends. Me. Hey! You know the life insurance you've sorted for us?

Yeah. Because you were worried about your foot. Yeah. Well, I finally got round to answering the phone to them. That's nice. They kept ringing me and I kept answering it and what they do is go oh we've got these uh questions we gotta ask you for the life insurance and i was literally at times just sat on my couch playing fifa or you know just scrolling and they'd be like have you got time now and i'd be like no

so then i eventually was like yeah go and ring me at two o'clock tomorrow and he did so i did it and they were like right who do you want the money to go to to be divvied up and I thought long and hard about this so I gave it to Carl

holiday divvied up to Carl that's going to be a hell of a wake if Adam dies isn't it in the Maldives not a lot of people

do that but I want to give you the send off you deserve have you been to the doctor with your foot yet I'm halfway there halfway to the doctors off you deserve. Have you been to the doctor's yet? I'm halfway there.

Halfway to the doctor's? I've had the phone consultation. Oh, fuck's sake. And what? Doctor, um... Nebljanovic? Doctor McSweeney or something. Right.

He's like, look at that. That's a big fecker. You'll need a doctor for that. And the phone as well. That's mad. You could feel it through the phone. No, I showed him a picture. Actually, he didn't see it. Who was this? He said, you'll need a doctor for

this. So it wasn't a doctor. You're going to need a doctor for this. And I am not No, it's old Tommy McSweeney, you know? You get his number. The butcher. You give him a ring. Jesus, look at the size of that fecking thing. He's triage for the doctor. It's a big boy, yes. I'll fucking triage you.

And I was like triage you he yeah and I couldn't I was like do you want to see it and he was like I tried to turn my phone so it could see it

and I just heard my phone going no I can't it's not clear it's not clear no no I can't see it it's not clear

no it's still not clear it's lower it's not clear okay it doesn't matter I just I couldn't even take I couldn't show him my because you need an angle

I can't show him the foot because there's by angle. I can't just show him the foot. If you've not hurt, I've got a lump on my foot and it's fine, probably. It's about as big as that bell. I'm not even exaggerating. Same colour. You're not even exaggerating

and it's got a little dinger on top. But it is about the size of that bell. Right. Yeah, he's not wrong. I think it's clear you're not taking many dick pics if you can't get the good angle on it. Yeah, I feel like that's indicative of that.

It's a fucking small bump on my foot. Yeah. I rest my case. My dick is a small bump on my foot. Mon's pubis. So,

what's the outcome? Yeah, I've got to go and see a proper doctor. You know, because he was just a bloke in the pub. And you explained it to him and he said,

oh, that's awful. Oh, shit. He went, I don't think it's anything to worry about but i'm laid back don't worry about it he genuinely is uh i've got three bullet holes in the back of my head i don't think that's anything to worry about show me the phone show me the phone i can't see it lower that's not clear that's not clear know so I've been referred oh shit to a consultant to a specialist

do you know what specialist it is fourth it is a fourth specialist yeah it's not a oh shit you're dead specialist it'll be fine won't it what What's feet again? What? Chiropodist.

Podiatrist. What's chiropodist? A podiatrist is a baby doctor. No, no. That's a pediatrician. Pediatrician. If you send your baby to a podiatrist, it's going to be an interesting day.

Podiatrist or chiropodist. There you go. I think it used to be called chiropody. Chiropody. Chiropody? Chiropody. Chiropody? Chiropody, chiropody. Chiropody.

It's a podiatrist or a chiropodist. It's, yeah. Or a paediatrician. Either way, they're going to be like, oh, that's not a baby. That's a lump.

Oh, you've got a pregnant foot. That'd be great. Imagine if you took your baby and they said, that's not a baby, that's a lump. Get that fat lump out of me. I think me baby said, that's not a baby, that a lump i mean get that fat lump out of me i think my baby said that's not a baby that's a lump dr messerini with a pregnant lady i can't see it

it's not clear i'm not sure i think you're just fat so that's me you know i'm virtually or got the all clear apart from i've not seen anyone to see the lump but and the ball's rolling i think you're in trouble. Yeah, I know you do. It's fine. Me and Adam, we know what our payout is. Yeah, now we've got the life insurance.

It's absolutely fine. And who gets the payout? My wife? No. These cunts. So that's a well-planned thing, isn't it? We're going to fucking,

do you know, where do you want to go? I don't know. I've decided what I want to do for my stag, do you know? Are you engaged? I'm gone. I'm gone.

This is a little, a little bit of a scratch scratch and that was Dan's foot update and this is Adam's stag do update just to know

he's not getting married golf holiday get a golf button for fuck's sake cool let's do it hang on Adam you haven't done this yet oh god Fuck's sake. Cool. Let's do it. Hang on, Adam, you haven't done this yet. Oh, God.

This is how bad... This is how bad... So we're not what we're talking about. Here we go. There it is. There it is. Just to let you know, the golf thing is gaining so much traction on this podcast

in Adam's ADHD mind that I'm starting to miss the quadruple chasing fucking reds of this time. They'll be back next year, don't you worry. It's almost like the spring, something goes like, fucking Jürgen said to me,

oh yeah, we're getting Europa, boring, I'm going fucking golfing. No, do you know what, I'm quite excited about being in the Europa League next year because the final

is in fucking Dublin. Is it? Yeah. Ooh. Imagine Liverpool getting a Europa League final in Dublin oh

I mean yeah it's alright isn't it play Red Bull play Sevilla again can they ever fucking do any other competition

don't need to they're so good Europa yeah yeah here we go oh what was that that's me stance I thought he was

going to do a conversion 20s ironing what are you playing beach volleyball oh yeah yeah see more for you wait until your coach gets old you

you'll learn coach I've booked a coach I know you've booked a coach to Dublin come on lads we're going Europa

I've booked us in on a golf course have you what I can tell you course have you booked a hotel already for the Dublin for the Europa League final yeah

did you get a refund for Istanbul that Jürgen told you to book yes oh that's nice I actually did that yesterday when the confirmation came when they rang you

about your phone deal they literally emailed me and were like looking forward to having you stay in this place in Istanbul I was like come on lads

I can get you a new phone deal and also give you money back from my dad's hotel that you booked in for the Champions League final right okay

so hang on let's just you're stag do you're not engaged you're not married that's fine well you're not married but you're not engaged

can't have a stag do once you've managed that'd be silly you can I mean if you're really trying I mean you're big you just need a new wife what what's the plan with your stag do silly. You can. I mean, if you're really trying. I mean, you're big. You just need a new wife.

What's the plan with this tag do? Golf holiday. I mean, Carl will have to book it all, but that's what I want to do. A week in what? Yeah, go on. Week away. Four days of golf. Three days of getting fucking

wild and wet. Bosnia. So there's gotta be a water park oh yeah yeah a water park golf holiday you see water park golf holiday

with autism but also the clubs are you taking the clubs or are you going to the clubs because there's a rule in Portugal you can't take the clubs

in the club what country's got the clubs the golf and the water park every country in the world Portugal in the club what country's got the clubs the golf and the water park every country in the world Portugal has it

I bet it's got a water it has got a water park yeah but the clubs you go Albufeira there's a fucking water park down the road and there's golf courses fucking everywhere

but at the club in the club there's clubs everywhere you go Albufeira's got some clubs there's clubs in Stoke-on-Trent you could go there there's actually a water park in Stoke-on-Trent as well.

Oh, cool. Cheap as stag do. Fucking budget. I've been watching it. My TikTok at the minute is just entirely golf stuff. And I got like a sponsored advert for, why not do your stag do at a golf resort in Portugal? And I was like, I've just decided that is me.

Yeah, cool. Do you remember last week when we had a conversation where we do a patron special golf thing in Portugal? It's already happening. Yeah, yeah, but that's... You want another... You don't just have to do it once, do you?

Yeah, we'll do it for the patron special, but then I want to do it again for me stag do. Right. You just want to go to Portugal loads. No, I just want to play golf. Right. How long do you think this golf... Six months. Is going to last want to play golf. Right. How long do you think this golf fad is going to last?

Six months. Six weeks. No chance. It's not a criticism about you but it is a character trait is being quite faddy with stuff and getting into stuff and then out of stuff. Yeah, but occasionally

I just find... Look at the big balls on Finn. Occasionally I just get something that I know I'm going to run with properly and I haven't had that for a very long time and I just know. And also I was proper going to run with properly, and I haven't had that for a very long time, and I just know. And also, I was proper in...

You've got to remember, I played golf for five years as a teenager and loved it, and the only reason I stopped playing is I got obsessed with comedy. Yeah. He would have been a great golfer. It's the only way out of Cardinal Heaton. It was either murder or golf and you know he chose golf

chose what comedy so I'm very excited you didn't play golf at school though did you I know you played golf while you were at school

there wasn't golf at Cardinal Heenan we had the pitching putt at the school it wasn't massive what just fucking pitching it into the nunnery I mean it wasn't

aimed at the nunnery I mean you did hit it at the nunnery occasionally ah wild it it wasn't aimed at the nunnery. I mean, you did hit it at the nunnery occasionally. Ah, wild. It's like eight holes, nine holes. I used to play,

in the summer holidays, I'd play like most mornings. Early does. Just bunk onto Bowden. Yeah, bunk onto Bowden. Get there an hour before it opens.

bunk onto Bowden. Yeah, yeah, bunk onto Bowden. Bunk onto Bowden. So Bowden Park Golf Course would open at like eight o'clock. So you've got there. But some nights it'd be at six. yeah yeah bunk onto barren so barren park golf course would open at like 8 o'clock

but sunrise would be at 6 so if you got there for half 6 you got an hour and a half of golf before they opened and then the fella

would come round and be like sorry lads you haven't paid yet have you so it's 12.50 each and we'd all be like we'll just

have the goals we've already played oh so they chuck you off at like the 10th they try but I was old in a golf club you had the clubs

bunk on means to not pay bunk on the bus bunk in the game bunk on the booth bunk on the baron yeah and the baron

is the golf course baron bar baron so bunk on the baron bunk on the baron you bunk on the Bowering you're actually making us sound Polish

bunk on the Bowering I'll say it again I'll just bunk on the Bowering yeah I'll just bunk on the Bowering yeah is your bunk on the Bowering yes

yes you used to bunk on the Sawgrass no right okay cool shall we go and pay to play that course then that'd be nice you don't have to bunk on sawgrass? Ah, no. Right, okay, cool. Shall we go and pay to play that course then? That'd be nice. You don't have to bunk on anymore. You're doing all right.

Yeah, and that's a really good starter course, actually. Right. It's not a difficult course. It's over a motorway. What? Like 11 of the holes are on this side of the motorway. You go across a flyover and the other seven holes are on the other side of the motorway.

Yeah, I'd say, yeah. Working class golf course, isn't it? Yeah, there's a prison. You go round that. The shot on the seventh is difficult. You've got to get it over the prison ground.

You get a ball in there, you've lost it. They're trading that. They put them in socks. They beat to death their fucking cellmate. That's classic. But that is the bunk on the barren.

You know, we've never had the open. But we're classic. But that is the bunk on the barren, you know. We've never had the open, but we're hoping to make it the royal bunk on the barren. Prince Andrew has been given a fucking membership. And to be honest, he'll be able to play from the prison when they finally convict the fucking youngster. The bunk on the barren open. No one pays. I, yeah,

I understand everyone's excitement. No, I understand people's scepticism about my ability to stick to something. It was a bold scepticism,

you know, because Carl and I are in a different position. Finn weighed it in like, I'm not having a go, but I definitely am. A lot of people say you're a faddy twat.

What's your response to that my boss well you can't play in the winter can you anyway can you it's obviously

more difficult and it's wet and whatever it's not as icy like whatever snow golf mate I thought it was

proper spring summer autumn sport but also you can go abroad in the winter yeah that's what they used to do before school it's made me

excited about Dubai if I went back to Dubai I'd take me clubs because there's so many good courses over there and I've obviously never took advantage of that but you can play golf

of a night in Dubai you want to because the day time's fucking ridiculous not in the winter the winter's alright the winter's like a summer here

in Dubai yeah we've booked Abu Dhabi for the UFC in October the UFK oh nice going back to

they haven't actually announced the they haven't announced it yet but we know what weekend it's going to be so we've booked our hotel you paid for

everything or you're bunking on the Abu Dhabi bunking on the Abu Dhabi bunking on the Dubai sometimes I bunk on the abu bunking on the Dubai sometimes I bunk on the Bahrain

sometimes I bunk on the Bahrain such a fucking stupid podcast I love it yeah I'm going wait we forgot what he's talking about

do it again sometimes Laura goes what did you talk about today and I'm like today's gonna be one of them days and I'm like today's gonna be one of them days when I'm like right

so Adam usually play golf with a bung on the barrel and she stares at me like I'm a fucking moron but she doesn't have to work so one all one all

she's doing well there four one to you I'm starting the me and Laura starting the diet tomorrow morning I started mine yesterday

this is the last day of carbs because we're going to Tenerife are you taking the clubs? don't take the clubs you can take the clubs to Tenerife I could take the clubs

to Tenerife but I don't think I won't have played loads by then I'll probably have had one game before we go. Should we go and do some pitch and putt then? Just as a little fuck around with some beers?

If you want to, yeah. I'd like to. I'd love to do that. You know I love, you know. That's actually how you get a lot better, don't you? You shouldn't focus on your driving. Apparently the best way to improve your golf game is to start 100 yards from the pin

and learn how to play short. Short game, mate. Oh, my short game. My sand game. Oh, I'm great at it. On the beach. Whoop! And your Mars game as well.

What? Yeah, we're doing the weigh-in tomorrow morning. We're doing a proper UFC fucking weigh-in. What's the diet you're doing? The space food diet. What's that? It's the Cambridge weight plan. Oh, you're going back, are you?

Are you going to be all miserable? No, I'm going to be good. No, you're not? I'm going to be, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. And that's one of my oldest sayings. I think you've got a t-shirt with that written on the back, haven't you?

Yes. It's actually Kate Moss. I have t-shirts with lots of things. Catch flies. Yesterday I had a butterfly chicken with rice and peas from my nose. And then after my gig, I made me and Alfie a steak sandwich and that. Yesterday I had a butterfly chicken with rice and peas from my nose. And then after my gig, I made me and Alfie a steak sandwich

and that's all I had all day. And I think if I have a heavily proteined meal twice a day and don't eat anything else by Sunday for the christening I'm going to, I'm going to feel good. Don't drink calories. Cut out as many carbs as you can. Up your protein.

Drink a footload of water. Don't booze. It will drop off you. You're going to be so miserable. Smoke a fuckload of water don't booze it will drop off you you're going to be so miserable smoke a little bit of crack that'll cheer you up you're not allowed to come in here miserable alright I won't

well let's you know if he comes in and booze we'll just point it out he loves that yeah do you sneak still what sneak flavour have you got there Dan erm

I haven't got I haven't got a stink on the go a stink I ain't got a stink on the go but I got a little bit of stink where's Adam he's got a stink on the go what but I got a little bit of stink. Where's Adam? He's got a stink on the go. What flavour's that then?

This is Rainbow Burst. It's a fucking busy little cunt, this one. That's very summery. And this is the Sneak Hydrate. But they're all zero calories. I didn't mean this to be an advert. But if you want to lose weight... I did, because you have to do it.

Sneak. So yeah, we're starting it, but we're doing it together Laura and I so we're going to keep best way to do it yeah so I'm going to go if she's even looking at a snack

I'll be like what are you doing fatty that's my support I love it I've slowed mine down you've slowed it way down yeah because it was making me miserable

was it really yeah because you had like a positive outlook at the start yeah and I've still I've still lost loads of weight but like I'm not as militant on it but did you drop like a price of positive outlook at the start. Yeah, and I've still lost loads of weight,

but like I'm not as militant on it. But did you drop about a stone and a half? No, about a stone. So the great thing with the Cambridge Weight Plan, which is the one-to-one diet, if you've ever tried it, I used to do it, I dropped about four stone. I went too far. Steve, can you contact the Cambridge Weight Plan and see if they want to sponsor us?

Because we might as well at this stage. But you've got to do it one-on-one with a consultant. So there isn't meetings, you do it one-on-one with the consultant so it's it's there isn't meetings you just go one-on-one my consultant was called k garrett we used to call her the gay carrot she was great she was fucking brilliant she was so good and you what makes a carrot gay is that like when i think men use it as a dildo yes it is if you shove a carrot up your ass it's gay yeah the carrot's gay in her case no the carrot is in her case

it was wholly wordplay having something in your ass doesn't make you gay no but being a carrot that goes up someone's ass that's a gay carrot yeah okay cool

just wanted to clarify just to clear up she wasn't a gay carrot she was gay carrot she was brilliant she was fucking brilliant she was one of the best ones it was when I lived in Leeds

she had like she was just like a master consultant and she trained me up and I became a consultant because I'd lost so much weight. I sold fucking... You used to be a skinny boy.

Yeah. And I've just piled it back on. But I know the techers. You can't go as skinny as you did. You looked mad. You looked like a lollipop. You looked like a brat stall. You looked mad.

So I'm 14 stone now. Brat stall. Don't go to... Do you know what I mean? No. You look like a brat stall. It's mad. So I'm 14 stone now. Brat stall. Don't go to like a marathon. Do you know what I mean? No, you're a bit like fucking massive. If I drop two stone, I look healthy. Everyone's like, oh, dropped a bit of timber, healthy. By the way, when people go, you've lost weight,

you're instantly healthy. It's so wrong. Like, I don't give a shit who loses weight or who wants to or who doesn't, right? If someone has decided to start a weight loss journey or whatever, then it's fine to go, you look good, you know, because you're affirming that, aren't you?

I then got sort of addicted to losing weight, which is classic, like knobhead addiction stuff. Classic you. I went from 12 down to 11, down to 10 and a half at my lightest. And my sister was like, mate, your head is too big for your body. Yeah.

You look stupid. Yeah. yeah um you gotta be careful you do say oh you've lost weight you look good too because if you're doing that like an aids ward that's not a compliment i mean that means they're near the end of the yeah i don't do you go do you go them much do you do a lot of work down the aids ward they've got aids to the point where they can't, they're bedridden with AIDS in this special ward. Yeah. Yeah. And the first part of it is on one side of the motorway and then you've got to fly over

and the other part's on the other. No, but you do get to the point with AIDS that you can't leave the bed, don't you? I've seen Philadelphia. Tom Hanks was fucked, mate. He's always sleeping. It's not with AIDS though, is it? AIDS causes other things in your body

so you'd end up on the... Yeah, but... Human enviorovirus. Now it's time for Adam's health update. And that was AIDS. Yeah, I think, you know, I don't know if there's a special award. Adam, do you golfing?

You know, AIDS... And I saw, you know, my coach has told me, AIDS is really bad for your long game. And that's why I won't get it. It's not going to help my game. Fact. Fact.

Yeah, but don't go around the AIDS ward saying, fucking hell, John, you've lost weight. No, don't do that. That's just not nice. No, don't do that. At the same time, don't go around the obesity ward and say, fucking hell, Karen, you've put weight on. Obesity ward.

The obesity ward. It's hell karen you've put weight on obesity the obesity ward it's next door or no the obesity ward you're a fat get in there come also don't go around the obesity ward going fucking hell karen you've lost weight and the nurse is like come on got a job to do here what's the job to get them less obese okay i believe that's the end of that section and if you take anything away from this remember golf oh here we are i've got to say thank you to uh td tom davis uh who make bespoke eyewear for hooking me up with my new bins. I was looking at those glasses, and I don't like them. Yeah, I had an inkling that this is the route you'd go,

but I really like them. If you want bespoke eyewear, worn by, you know, famous people, and this dickhead, go to tdtomdavis.com. They were just cheap ones I got on online from like one of them opticians online things where they just discount stock and they don't fit you properly these are specially for my fat head famous people very nice yeah name them i'm actually joking they are nice

i like them thanks very much ellery who works for tom davies um sorted me out he's a lid and uh he's just become a dad. He came and they bring out and they get all the fucking different glasses. You try on loads and then they fit them to your head. So if you want some fancy glasses, check out at TD Tom Davies.

Can you list some famous people that wear them? Yeah. Marlon Brando famously wore them. Rolf Harris. Steve Claridge. Off the pitch, obviously. On the Football E! show. And Rolf Harris did not wear them.

He's dead. Dead paedophile. Yeah. He wore Ray-Bans. He died about 15 minutes ago. He's 1-0 up in the dead pool. Yeah. So, Rolf's gone.

I can't remember who mine are, but... That's this year's Christmas song. Rolf's gone. Rolf's gone. I can't remember who mine are, but... That's this year's Christmas song. Rolf's gone. Rolf's gone. Touch the fucking kid. Do-do-do-do. I'll just not go did-ja-dee-do there. Did-ja-ra-do.

Did-ja-ra-do. Should we do some correspondence, Finn? We shall. We've got some simple pleasures. Oh. Simple pleasures. We used to do top four. Is this an opportunity for Adam to sing something

and then we get a jingle? Are you on a simple? No, no. It's a bad one. What have we got? We've got a hip hop beat, a country beat. What do we need, Dal? R&B.

Oh, like an OSHA. Yeah. Drum and bass? Do we have to be singing? No, because we've got that we've got that one for the overrated what

we've got the overrated underrated that didn't work no because we've got that is it overrated or underrated we need the hip hop like R&B

or shit American not French lip hop go on ready there's a simple pleasure American, not French. Le pop. Go on, ready? That's a simple pleasure if I ever heard one. Cool, well, I'll do.

We don't need music for that. No, we need. You look to me when I did the voice for Simple Pleasure, you were like, Dan, that's disgusting. I'll do mine. That's a simple damn pleasure if I ever heard one. Simple pleasure. Oh, mon ever heard one. Simple pleasure. Oh, mon sauvage.

Simple pleasures. Simple. Is that a bit? Pleasures make the people come together. Simple pleasure. That's a good simple pleasure. When you come at the same time. I mean, that's a pretty complex pleasure.

It's not easy. What? It's a movie jizz. I always come at the same time I mean that's a pretty complex pleasure that's movie jizz it's not easy what? it's a movie jizz I always come at the same time what films are you watching? no movie jizz when they're romantic we both come at the same time statistically you always come

at the same time as a woman like somewhere in the world there is a woman coming when you come it's not a movie just because you haven't made your partner come it's one o'clock somewhere Dan

how many women call Barbara a jizz in right now, worldwide? Well, I mean, it's for Carl's Martinsons. Oh, wow. Wow.

Wow. This guy, that's a zinger. She's having a day off. In what accent? A day off. This is some of the pleasure

of Barbara jizzed over. Yeah, right now, there's a jean with like a dick up her ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right now, there's a jean with a dick up her arse. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fact. But, like, yeah, you'd always come at the same time as women. No, but the woman you're having sex with. I don't think you can take credit for it. If they're in Warrington, you can't take credit for it. I'm saying it's movie jizzing. I've not finished while someone else somewhere.

Selfish. All about you, innit? On your bike. I'll get a tissue. Simple pleasures? Go on. Simple pleasures. This is from Connor Simpson.

All right, lads. One of my favourite simple pleasures is being in a good atmosphere in a takeaway after a night out. It's a proper vibe. He's 12 years old. Yeah. I haven't done that

for so long I have to say though I've never clocked it as like oh this is a lovely simple pleasure but takeaways are fucking eggy

aren't they I know what he means from when I was younger like when we were like 19 it was going off in the takeaway having a good time yeah

but now if I'm in the takeaway and anyone is doing anything other than just silently waiting for their food it bothers me yeah it's like when they're doing boss man and all that stuff yeah yeah in a takeaway and anyone is doing anything other than just silently waiting for their food it bothers me yeah it's like when they're

doing boss man and all that stuff yeah yeah the best one I remember being in Machi's it must have been like

20 odd you know like the when you collect your thing and they shout your number they shouted like 15 I went bingo and everyone laughed I was like

so a couple of months a few months ago I'd got out and got a bit pissed but I was still like conscious right and uh i just i'd got to the end of the night and i was like i don't know why i've got pissed tonight i just didn't need to get pissed and tomorrow's gonna be fucking it i was just i got myself wound up and just left right so i went to uh i went to mr. Kebab on Slater Street. I just sat there waiting for my food.

And there was three lads, all Mancs. Oh, Liverpool had beat United 7-0. It was that day. So I wasn't feeling very well. Because we won 7-0, I was like, I'm going out. Went out and was like, I'm going to be fucking violently ill tomorrow because I'm still not better. And I've now had 12 points against them.

You need a medical takeaway. So I was just sat there and these three lads, like one of them was like, you're that comedian, lad, aren't you? But it wasn't like, hey!

He was like, you're that comedian, lad, aren't you? And I was like, yeah, I am, mate, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I watch your videos, lad, some good stuff,

some good stuff. And I was like, I really appreciate that, lad. Nice one, thank you. I just tried to carry on eating. And then one of them just, I could just tell he wanted an argument. And he's going, so where are you next gigging, lad? And I was one of them just I could just tell he wanted an argument

and he's going so where are you next gigging lad and I was like oh I don't know lad I'll have to check my diary my phone's off so like I've just I've had a long day lad

I'm just having my food and you're a miserable comfort comedian like aren't you and I was like yeah lad because I'm just tired and drunk

and I feel a bit sick and I just wanted to have a kebab before bed and he was like right lads right right and then for the next like 10 minutes while i finished eating and they would he just kept staring me out and i was like ugh your team's lost seven nil you've come to anfield to watch it you've had a bad day and you're just trying to cause murder now just fucking shut up i'm eating a kebab as if as if anyone wants to talk with a mouth full of fucking doner meat

end of the night takeaway banter you've got to be so pissed to not be that woman in Glasgow I like you I like you too much does a woman at the end of the night in Glasgow

in a takeaway two years maybe two years ago There's a woman at the end of the night in Glasgow, we're in a takeaway. How long ago? Two years, maybe two years ago. She was fucking pissed. And I'd said maybe three words and she just locked on. I went, oh, I like you. I like you too much.

I was like, oh. Why did you wait two years to tell us this? There's nothing really happened apart from like, I just, did you fuck her? Yeah, of course.

You sure she wasn't looking at a burger? No, but Laura wouldn't mind that because I was in Scotland. Different postcard. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Different. Are you sure she wasn't talking to her food? Yeah. That's a good question. I like you. I fucking like you.

I like you too much. That's why, that's why Slimming World has gone down the drain. Do you think anyone's ever met their wife in a takeaway? Oh, they have, aren't they? End of the night. I fucking like you too much. Well, I'll fucking marry you.

You can fall in love anyway. Well, she did that night. You can? She did. All right, this one's from Stephen Edmonds. That is the feeling of a stomachache leaving your body after a good fart. Oh, do you know, there is something when you're like, oh, there's a mischief inside me.

When you have a movement, whether it be just air or solid, when your body goes, yeah, that was sound. We just needed to get rid of that. That is nice. I get that from a poo. It has seemed impressive. Yeah, yeah.

Now, if I go for a poo and I've got a bad stomach, I'm oh it's gone get in but then 10 minutes later it's back again you're like shit near the eye of a needle there's just something quite satisfying about your body going dan don't worry about this there's something's gone wrong it's your fault but i'll deal with it oh you got you sorry doing a big boff's good yeah yeah yeah you're sticking with that? Cool. So this one's from Mason McConkey. By the way, when you write funny names and just make it that, do you know what I mean?

When you want to make up a stupid name. Camel toe. Finn, will you honour my pledge to read out any name? Great, go. So call yourself what you want. Mason McConkey? This is from Masonason mcconkie is it actually his name scottish i feel like we've not mentioned this but this is maybe the hack one

which is fresh sheets on the bed yeah but who put them there it's not if i put them there it's not a simple pleasure i like coming home and someone's just done it yeah the butler you live when you don't i know someone's just broke in and done your bed that's a good simple pleasure when you come in and all your

belongings have been done but just as like a compensation the burglar's going do you know what I'll make his bed

it just makes me die do you know what I mean I've nicked your jewellery but I've made your bed

all of Adam's jewellery I've took your sovereign rings lads come on I know we do it on pod that he doesn't

wear jewellery he took me eight sovereign rings I mean 48 rings I mean if we know we do it on pod that he doesn't wear jewelry. He took me eight sovereign rings and me four earrings and me necklace. As soon as we turn the roadcaster off, he's like, right, chain back on.

Papa, if you can hear me. Jewelry makes me feel sick. Even on a woman? Even if you fart it out. I just don't like it. Where's that from? Did your mum wear jewelry? Yeah, what's that come from?

I think my mum, you know, she had a wedding ring. She wore earrings occasionally. Disgusting! What? Sorry, I was just wondering. You're making me sick. Awful woman. No, I just don't like jewellery at all. My mum wore a brooch.

You know when a man has a sovereign ring, I just lose all respect for him. I've gotten, like, he could have... No shit. Yeah. He could go, oh, by the way, I was the fellow who cured cancer. sovereign ring i just lose all respect for him i've gotten like he could have no yeah i was the fellow who cured cancer just so you know and i'd be like yeah but you've got that ring on so he gives a what you think so if the guy who cures cancer wears sovereigns i'm not sure we shouldn't keep cancer oh yeah don't worry about it no one was looking at it like i was looking at i just started to take loads of panacea i don't want about it no one was looking at it like I was looking at it

just take loads of paracetamol I don't want to upset anyone who wears them but they're just not people Dan's got a ring on that's a wedding ring though isn't it he doesn't have to wear it though he is married don't he

he doesn't have to wear it though yeah but you know what women are like they'll be fucking screaming if you talk about it oh yeah if I didn't wear this in Glasgow I fucking really like you Finn Borda's Nan's ring

I've got a replacement for my Nan's ring have you she needs one of them as well it's just a different one it's not it's not a wedding ring I know a girl

who needs a replacement for a ring did you your Nan I knew Finn's Nan what she lost it in the sea I lost it in the sea

you lost it Finn's Nan was lost at sea a lot of people say we shouldn't have taken her to the Rete des Morts oh god what was your nan's name? we're not doing that just make one up

okay Bernie we can do Bernie's Nancy Nancy Reagan oh it's so nice Nancy Coulibous Nancy

in France of course was she a good swimmer anyway she's like french kids so jewelry on a man but like proper like chains bling bling not i can we have a separate distinction you're saying jewelry on a lady you're not into it i'm not i'm not into men either cool i'm not i'm not into it at all. Piercings? No. I don't like it.

What? I don't like it. Do you think they never pull it off? No one can pull it off? No, it's not that they don't. It's not like a deal breaker because fucking everyone's up to it, aren't they? But like...

Jewelers are everywhere. I'm like, fuck, no. Do you work at Beaver Brooks? Calm down. But like, I just... Like, if a woman is in my eyes a 10 with any jewellery on, they're like at least a nine and a half, nine.

There's no such thing as a jingly 10. Is that what you're saying? I just, I don't know what it is. Bobby George? He would be a 10. Bobby George would be a 10. But he's, you know, he's down to a five, he's you know he's down to

a 5 you know because he's a greasy old cockney oh Andy where's Julie oh yeah sorry sorry sorry

yeah yeah he was great if you're gonna do it do it Bobby George level oh I'm fucking taking a piss oh that's my Bobby George

impression Idris Elba Idris Elba Idris Elba Idris Elba's playing Bobby George in the film of his life. Is he? Yes. That's a good casting.

Can we get Bobby George up? He'll probably be casting him. And James Corden will be in it. It's time for a black Bobby George. Honestly. Oh, fuck Bobby George to be Bond. Oh, fuck. I don't know that.

Hashtag Bobby George for Bond. Name's George. Bobby George. Is the telly on? It's not, is it? Yeah, it is, yeah. Can you see Bobby George? No.

Can you see Barney the dinosaur? Oh, there he is. Look, what the fuck is that? Looks like your nan's mate. I like his little pocket square. Gone to pot. Oh, hello. Now, question.

Serious question. Was he some kind of gypsy? He is. He's not dead. Oh, is he not? Is he not dead? No.

He looks like he might. You can get a cameo off him. Oh, God. I want one so much. Go and get one now. How much are they? A cameo from Bobby George going,

hello, is he just sober? It's 50 quid oh we're absolutely getting a Bobby George oh five stars he fucking delivers does Bobby we want a bollock off

great video from Bobby cheers pal be lucky play that Mother's Day one happy Mother's Day oh god someone's done a Bobby George saying

I'm sorry to hear your mum's not well right well we can't hear it so that was everything you thought it would be we're going to give Bobby George 50 quid 100% we're getting Bobby George to do a cameo I tell you what the consistency on his content output is brilliant same place in the kitchen

it's going to have to be same camera spot it's going to have to be for one of us though because a business is 500 pounds whereas a personal one is okay

Finn is for you I'm sorry you lost your nana at sea oh old Nancy fucking cupboard love that is it that is that

please get it and play that instead of a song I'm sorry you lost your nana at sea hello I'm so sorry Finn Jiminy

you seem to have lost your nana at sea in Loretta fucking Mar turn the fucking TV off

I haven't got the remote I haven't got the remote I hate this TV just Apple TV go tell you what you should

be distracted by hello hello Bobby Jules I hear you like to get fucking putted hello

no we're getting it hi Finn sorry you lost your nan at sea Nancy yeah I hear you like to get fucking potted. No, we're getting a higher fin. Sorry, you lost your name. Let's see. Nancy. Yeah. Hello, Finn. From all the boys.

Did you call him Nancy because it's Nancy? What an awful place to be lost. I lost my Nancy at sea. That's a fucking tongue twister. I lost my Nana Nancy at sea that was a potman's brain I lost my Nan's ring at sea yeah we'll call her Nancy awful awful

weighed down by her own jewellery oh yeah he's a five we've got my uncle was killed By out of day Poor Graham

Where did he die Old ham I was having such fun So We're going to do A couple of questions We're done with Simple pleasures

Are we done with Simple pleasures No we're not More simple pleasures What about you You fucking dickhead Every single one You just go Yeah this is shit We've all done shit Welcome to my world Yeah I know It's annoying isn't it No, we're not. More simple pleasures. What about you? You fucking dickhead. Every single one,

you just go, yeah, this is shit. We've all done shit. Finn, Finn, welcome to my world. Yeah, I know, it's annoying, isn't it? Just plough on. All right, okay, fine.

Fucking read the fucking thing out, Finn. All right, we're sad about you. This is from Harry Ferneville Doran. Watching a smug cunt try and make a contactless payment with an Apple Watch,

but it doesn't work. Yeah, I do enjoy it. That's shite, man. Yeah, I do enjoy it. Yeah, I absolutely enjoy it. Who in here owns an Apple Watch but it doesn't work. Yeah, I do enjoy it. That's shite. Yeah, I do enjoy it. Yeah, I absolutely enjoy it. Who in here owns an Apple Watch? I do. He pays on his, I don't.

I don't pay on mine. I've seen you do it. Brilliant. I did it like the first three days I had it and then realised how much of a cunt you look and stopped doing it. It's not a simple pleasure

if you're behind them in the queue though. So, it's a... But even if they, even if it fails? Next counter along, they're like, ow, the future. By the way, I nearly murdered a pensioner the other day. Right, cool. so it's a but even if they even if it fails next counter along they're like ow

by the way I nearly murdered a pensioner the other day right cool I went to buy a new kettle right right and it was

no you didn't did you jizz on it no you didn't that was the lie you told someone where you going buy a new kettle on Sunday

on a woman as well on Sunday at 10 to five for what? so the kettle the kettle had broke and I wanted a cup of tea and then I realised

how late it was because I was like I'm going to get up in the morning and go and get a kettle and I didn't get up in the morning so I didn't get the kettle so at ten to five I was like fuck

John Lewis is open till five I'll run I'll get a new kettle and er then that'll be that John Lewis kettle and erm there was an old woman

in front of me who at three minutes to five and the woman behind the till had gone just so you know because I'd asked her where the kettle was

and she was like you've got to be here before five because at five the till shuts off there's nothing we can do three minutes to five there is one man

on the till and there's an old woman in front of me trying to get a partial refund for an ironing board partial? what? not the full refund woman in front of me trying to get a partial refund for an ironing board. Partial? Not the full refund.

So she used it, right? And she said, it puts the little diamonds onto me clothes when I use it. You need to put a towel down. And she was like, and they were like, oh yeah, that can happen. Like it's this, you might have the heat on too hot. She was like, well, I want a refund. And they were like, you've used it, you can heat on too hot. She was like, well, I want a refund. And they were like, you've used, you can't have a refund.

She was like, well, I demand a partial refund. So they had to call a manager over to give her their partial refund of an iron board at three minutes to five on a Sunday. And they moved it to another till so you could get served?

Yeah. Did she get to keep the iron board? Oh, thank fuck for that. No. Oh. Leave the fucking diamonds on her face. Because that's a smart way to make money, isn't it?

Buy iron boards and get partial refunds. Yeah. I don't think you thought the economics of that through 100%. Billionaires started out like that. I'm like a J-Fox. Is that still not off? Has that worked? No, it's still on.

Has it worked? Yes. Yeah, okay. Right. This is from... Just a simple pleasure. It is. Better be. This is from... Just a simple pleasure. It is. Better be.

This is from Carl Wilkinson. Good name, lad. C-O-D-K. C. Good lad. The first sip of your first pint during Noonies in the beer garden. I didn't know what Noonies was.

I think it means afternoon drinking, does it? Can we all agree as a team, as a podcast team, as businessmen, as friends, that we don't engage with anyone who uses the word Noonies? No. Carl, you can try that again, but if you ever engage in Noonies. Someone said, can you stop saying Mackie D's as well?

Yeah. Someone commented that. I've just Googled Noonie. Why? Talk me through that. Okay. They just don't like it. You're the only person I've ever heard say it like, get me through that okay they just don't like you you're the only person

I've ever heard say it like get on the fucking Maccy D's mate right someone commented saying can Dan stop saying Maccy D's yeah

nope it's Mickey Duck Ducks it's Mickey Duck Ducks it's Mickey Duck Ducks but doodle why don't you go and fuck yourself oh god

what do you want for tea tonight Adam I want a Mickey Duck Ducks Maccy D's is international mate Maccy's is Maccy's Maccy D's is international, mate. Mackie's is. Mackie's. MackieD's.

Are you having the D on for no reason? Is it bugging you? I'm going to do it more. Like if I said to you, let's go to Mackie's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have your D's on. Yeah.

Mackie D's. Kiss my ass. Someone commented it. Calm down. I'm not into it. Just passing it on. You also said stop wearing that. It bothers me as well. No. I'm not into it just passing it on you also said stop wearing that

it bothers me as well no I'm big stupid we've had some of them we've had all of us I'm still gonna this whole podcast is ruined by Finn

he is ruining it by just sitting there saying nothing he needs to be loud what you mean Karl ruins it with his jokes don't come for jokes

replace the names and we've all had the same. This would be great if X didn't exist. I'm never going to stop potty seeing. Never. If you ever say that again,

I will stop. Potty seeing. Machi Deez does do my head in. It does my head in as well. I've never mentioned it, but every time you say it, I do go, oh, I hope he dies.

Like every time, but like I don't mention it because I'm going to do it wearing a chain next time I'm going for a Mickey Duck Duck straight after this mate Mickey Duck Duck

or Mucky Duns Mickey Duck Duck it's just Mackey's isn't it yeah it is yeah it's Mackey's I'd rather say everything in Liverpool

is right all the time I'd rather say MacDonald's everything that we say is right no one else anywhere is ever saying anything right I'd rather say... Everything in Liverpool is right all the time. I'd rather say McDonald's. Everything that we say is right. No one else anywhere is ever saying anything right. I'd rather you say we're going for a McDonald's Restaurants Limited. Would have actually named the business though.

And get the VAT number. Yeah, so that's Mackey D's and that will continue to be. So do we think that the first afternoon beer garden pint is underrated? I'm not engaging with someone who says noonies. I hope he breaks his leg today. So I googled noonies. Are we doing Saturday, lads? Oh, I'm going for a few noonies with the boys.

It sounds like they're going paedophiling. I googled noonie and it just says testicles. So read it out with that being in mind. Change noonies for testicles and read it out again. Go on. The first sip of your first pint during testicles in the beer garden. Yeah, that sound.

Yeah, I'm into it. That is a simple pleasure. Now, I'm not engaged with someone who says Noonies. What it means is afternoon drinking, first pint. And that's a good one. But you said Noonies, so we hope you fall down the stairs. The Christmas I'm going to on Sunday,

I'm so excited for that first lager top. On your Noonies. Right, let's get Mickey Duck ducks into the kitchen. Nah, go Mickey D's. We done with simple pleasures? No. Keep them coming. They've been bad as well.

Right, okay. This is your last chance to find a good one, Finn. Managing to get a good night's sleep the night before something exciting. I'm reading what we have. Who's ever managed that? That's impossible. Nah, it's always worse sleeping. Something exciting the next day

and you're like, oh yes, just getting a snuggle in here. Alarm's on. Going to get a good 8.4 hours. Good night. Ooh, 0.4. 0.4 of an hour.

How long is that? 24 minutes. Aye, mathematician. Yeah, it's great. Doesn't happen much though does it I've never done it ever doesn't happen

if you go on an holiday the next day if you're leaving at 4am whilst I go to sleep at 1am who goes to bed at 9 o'clock

for anything Dan aye when you're full of Maccy D's you just need to get your head down

when you've gorged yourself on a Mickey Duck Duck's platter have a Maccy d's and then get to betty bowes you know a platter mixed this is from drew peacock oh go on megan someone after calling it yeah that's quite good actually it's just good as it gets

right we're done with simple pleasures cool no oh finn's annoyed finn want you to make them up finn for me to make them up yeah getting this uh getting the prep we have a meg two people back to back oh and a game of five aside you've done it i've done it i remember this you know you remember the certain things you've done in footy so clearly yeah we're doing a rondo in training and it was two people in the middle i double meg them that's not as good everyone lost their shit no like during a game megan someone and then moving the ball and me double-megged them. That's not as good. And everyone lost their shit. No, but like during a game. Megging someone and then moving the ball and megging the next person. You are an absolute god

for passing. Is that the best feeling I've ever had? No, a double-meg's a luck. It's lucky. It's for you. Double-meg. Like an intentional meg

and then megs again. Yeah. Oh, wow. If you hit the third, I'll leave. For Meg and Srena. What's Rondo? What's a Rondo

piggy in the middle with a football no I'm what's a Rondo with you he's in a mood have you ever played Uplod yeah

what's Uplod Danny's talking to you next one right this is a question from Kapo Pow who? by the way can we have his own jingle?

I think Dan's a little stressed at the minute can we tell them what we did at lunch Dan Wagamama's with the dog oh yeah so we whenever we go out for lunch in Liverpool because Wallace is here is it not that? no something else bothering yeah so we whenever we go out for lunch in liverpool because wallace is here um is it not that no something else but yeah so we when we go out for lunch it's the maffiedees comment you know

when we go out for lunch with wallace we always have to find somewhere dog friendly so today we were like we'll just go to wagamama's because it's quite nice weather and he can just sit outside but us uh the woman called to take our order and it was freezing and I said are we allowed in with dogs and she said only guide dogs so I told her with a straight face Wallace is a guide dog

and Carl then I said who said that yeah Carl pretended to be blind for the entire meal best bit being

when the woman asked her which peppers Carl wanted he took his sunglasses off and went oh number 33

put them back on which was beautiful it doesn't have to be 100% blind to have a guide dog also you used to say any of us are blind you guide dogs are not limited to blind people are they you can buy a guide dog and just have it take you anywhere is that a guide dog yeah yeah i got it from the guide dog shop it It's a guide dog? I could just tell the dog, hey, I want to go to Woolworths. Take me to Woolworths. Try that with every dog.

Just a decommissioned guide dog. Like the dog that I used to have knew where the park was. Yeah. If I said to Minnie, I'd be like, Minnie, do you want to go to the park? She'd be like, yeah, yeah. I'm a guide dog.

Let's go. It's only useful as a guide dog if the blind person just wants to go to the park? She'd be like, yeah, yeah. I'm a guide dog, let's go. So it's only useful as a guide dog if the blind person just wants to go to the park. Yeah. Where else are they going? We've said this before. Yeah. Where are they going?

Also, like, you can teach dogs different places, can't you? Not Wagamamas. They were like, hey. Dogs love Wagga tails. Oh, God. I think this podcast would be better without Carl. Is it you? Yeah, it's me.

Finn's trying to get himself a little promotion now. Waggy M's. Go on. This is from Cabal Pal. That's what's done its end, you know? It's the Maggie Dean's thing. I'm fuming. Look at me.

What's happening, lads? You each have to take one feature from each of the other have a word team Adam's dick what features are you taking can be physical or personality

what where are you taking it just yeah I just want that power like Gandalf with his staff dog erm

he was blind it was a guide dog dad stop what fucking staffy that's why you never see Gandalf in Wagamama's that's a good album name it's the worst joke of all time why didn't you ever see Gandalf in Wagamama's because he's got a staff

don't turn it loud to see Gandalf and Magamama's because he's got a staff. Don't shout aloud. Oh wow. Where's that David Ward bit? You've lost it. I was just questioning. We've got to

take a feature from each of you or just from one of you? Each and it can be physical or personality.

I don't want any of your personality. You should just hold him, you haven't. Finn, I'm taking your height. Is that what you're taking? Is he taller than you? Yeah. I'd take Finn's height, I suppose, yeah. There's nothing else about him.

I'd take your height. Okay. You are more than just your height, by the way. Actually, is Matthew taller than you? I don't know. I don't your height. Okay. You are more than just your height, by the way. Actually, is Matthew taller than you? I don't know. I don't think so. Are we the same height? I'd take Carl's ass, Finn's hair,

and Adam's absolutely unfaltering belief that he's right nearly all the time. And I think my life would be better. I think you don't give me enough crevice for how much I'm not like crevice. I don't give you any crevice for how much I'm not like crevice. I don't want to give you any crevice. I'd take Finn's height. I would take Carl's ass

and I would take Dan's glasses just so he can't see. Am I just a fucking ass to use? Yeah. Great one-liners. What do you mean these glasses from TD Tom Davies? I'd take them.

Dan, I'd take your wit. All right, cool. Thank you. All right, felt like a dick was coming. It wasn't. It didn't. Why don't you take it off me? What would it take off you?

My legs. Take your legs off you? It's damn right. Hang on. Do you get to keep the the person get to keep the feature you don't steal it from them I think you can like replicate it

you can clone it so it's now yours as well alright yeah you can't actually take no Carl's arse so he's arseless like

oh that'd be awful like the last day you know which one of them I'd take your self-belief okay and that's not what Dan's saying Dan's taking your like stubbornness I think Like the last day. You know who's one of them? I take your self-belief. Okay. And that's not what Dan's saying. Dan's taking your stubbornness, I think.

I'm not stubborn. I'm the least stubborn person in this room and it does me head in that you're all wrong. He isn't even doing a bit. I'm not doing a bit. When you can show me that something I've said is wrong, then I will go, fair enough. Give me one example of a time that hasn't happened. Show me.

Print it out. Have you got a document? Otherwise, I do not recognise it. And even if you print it out, I'm like, ah, you're a fucking dick. Give me one example. Give me one. We can't.

So I'm not saying stubbornness is. Exactly. You're putting words in my mouth. I didn't say stubbornness I put my arse in your mouth that was a good question though

what are you taking off Adam Finn am I taking off Adam your raw sexual magnetism give him crevice

where crevice is due I can't even believe I'm just we're very pleased with ourselves today aren't we like how are you guys yeah probably is what you said like self-belief what are you taking off dan dan's personability i think you've got you've got I think Dan's great with people. That's what I always say. Say what you like about Dan. He's a fucking person. Say what you like about him.

He's a person. Adam's mastery of the English language. You're taking personability. He is a person. You are as well. It's a shite ability. Affable. He means you're affable.

No, is personability not a word? Affable's a better word. Okay. No, I mean like he remembers little details about people

attentiveness yeah like when you've when you've met my family before the next time you'll ask them a very personal question attentiveness you can have my dick

yeah he done that with your mum yeah but I'm trying to that was too far I'm trying to hello 36 double F how we getting on girl I remember that you like Poirot

how big are your tits Poirot size I am trying to fuck a lot of your family though we actually love your mum that's fine that's a really personal question

such weird words how big are your tits Carl I'll take your attitude to life thank you he's pretty better than me carefree

I feel like Carl when something goes wrong he's just like yeah and oh no if we're doing it seriously I'd like Carl, when something goes wrong, he's just like, and? Oh, no. If we're doing it seriously, I'd like Carl's self-control.

He's got a real discipline for things that I would love to have more of. No, he hasn't. Like what? Yes, he has. Name something. Getting smashed with all you lot.

He's just very sensible going, I'm done. He's good with alcohol. That does not transfer to one other thing. On that dieting thing, is just very sensible going I'm done he's good with alcohol and on that dieting thing that does not transfer to one other thing on that dieting thing

we were all fucking scrannin and he was like cool I've got my little thing that's so hard to do that is good discipline that wasn't during the whoop challenge

that was when he started Slimming Wealth why are you trying to fucking hate on me you I take Adam's hate ability away and put it in the bin do you think you're disciplined in any way shape or form

I've just been told I am. You know what I mean? I'm just one. Older than alcohol. And the only reason he's capable of that discipline is he hates feeling not in control of the situation. Well, some variation of that. That's self-controlling, isn't it?

With alcohol. You are very self-controlled with alcohol. I'm the same with women. Yeah. I control myself around women. Kids. Self-control. They all want to

fuck him and he doesn't to be fair when I'm playing dominoes you know I play by the rules yeah that's what I meant

as well I love how Adam could not let you have that one no he's not because he isn't I am offended on Carl's behalf

I'm not offended Dan thank you I yeah you know Dan I take your lovely eyes they're mine well this has been

a nice little bit of self exploration hasn't it I take the little freckle on the side of your bollock as well it's lovely it's a lovely feature

I take Dan's ability to not care about the fact everyone's talking about something behind his back I live with it. Because of all that personability. How are we?

Welcome back to part three of this week's Have A Word podcast episode. You changed clothes, Adil. What? You changed clothes. I have, yeah, because we recorded the first two sections three days ago, Carl.

We did, yeah. We are not able to remember what we were wearing. Jack Wilesy! Am I in part three? Yeah. Are you going to edit me into the first two parts? Yeah, we are, yeah, yeah. We've got AI, that's how much. Here's the thing, we get people like

you and Jack with a big profile to boost the views of the podcast. The third part. Yeah. But the first two, we like to show your fans how funny we are without you as well. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

And what ends up happening is I guarantee there'll be comments on this episode from people who love you and want to listen to you. And they'll be like, did Jack just sit there for an hour before they asked him a fucking question? People think we bring people in

and tell them to sit there and shut the fuck up for a full hour and then start interviewing them um when the first 75 episodes of this show we didn't have a guest on yeah and then when we said we were going to start getting guests on people were like that's going to ruin the dynamic yeah um and you know with some guests they're right because some people come in and they're boring as fuck i don't think that's going to be it i've got a good feeling about this and to be fair like i have just come from an interview this morning. I was doing BBC Breakfast

and I was sat on the sofa and you often get this with those types of shows where there's lots of different segments and you never know what you're going to follow. I genuinely had to follow a piece on the reopening of the investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. And they went directly from that

to me talking about my tour. And I was like, that is unfollowable. Are you playing Portugal? I knew that this would be the podcast that I would say something that would destroy my career and reputation. And I wasn't expecting it to be within the first two minutes. But it's the third part.

It is the third part. It's an hour and two minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your fans have long given up. They don't even think you're on they think you're just in the thumbnail

for a laugh yeah well we haven't discussed that in the first half just so you know we didn't go near the disappearance

of Madeleine McCann mainly because I've got 15 minutes on it in my new show so there's a blanket ban on that on Madeleine McCann chat on the show

one of the other segues that i always remember was watching the one show and they it was chris evans was hosting and he was interviewing uh brian may and he brian may was on to talk about badgers or whatever and chris evans really wanted to talk about freddie mercury dying of aids and like kept pressing brian may to give him an answer about like how he felt uh and with the benefit of hindsight like whether he had some observations about how difficult that time was and brian may did not want to talk about it and it was so awkward and he pressed him like asked three questions which he just completely straight batted and then chris evans had to go straight

into a section which was giles brandreth talking about the history of the frozen pea. This like peak one show moment. Oh, I'd love to see the meme of him going, can we get back to badgers? I really want to get this back to badgers. It's so awkward. It's just like, you know you're about to have to start talking

about peas as well. So just like drop know you're about to have to start talking about peas as well so just like drop it so uh brian what did it feel like when freddie mercury died of AIDS how did you feel how did your family feel how did his family feel other friends like yeah we were all sad but my favorite badger chris is this one the long tail badger yay and i'm sure that is uh what was i bet you that's real i bet you that's a real badger I bet you that's a real badger Finn Google the long tail not how have we managed

to Google how have we gone from Madeleine McCann to Googling badger tails because we've got Freddie Mercury in the way and that's how you get there isn't it

that's the logical there is no long tail badger no there's not there's not there's long tailed weasels which it says are a cousin you always get them mixed up I do yeah

sorry have they named a badger after Brian May have they named a badger after Brian May? What? Have they named a badger after Brian May after all he's done for the community? Is he a real badger guy? Yeah, he's like a massive badger guy.

You think there's a Brian May badger? Yeah, like putting Brian May badgers together. He did a song called Save the Badger Badger Badger. Yeah, because whenever there's a badger call, Brian May comes out swinging for the badgers. Did you not know that? He comes out swinging for the badgers, but on not know that? He comes out swinging for the Badgers but on the front line. Yeah, he's on the front line.

The farmers are there trying to kill them all and Brian May's just like fucking happy. He's the queen of the Badgers. Yeah. Hey! What are you doing? That was good aid. I can't wait to see Badger Aid. That's going to be really fun. Badger Aid. There's no S on the end of that, wasn't there? No, no, no.

Okay, cool. Oh my God. i sat behind him on a plane recently and and then i had that yeah no not prime may oh right okay for a mate and obviously i knew it was him on the plane because he's quite distinctive from behind yeah it's either him or share in it and i could and i couldn't help but think we were going through like turbulence and i was like this plane goes down like it's the worst time to die with him on the same flight because he's going to get all of the coverage in the news like i'm not even going to make like page six it's going to be five solid pages oh and he was but at least you'd still be there yeah i mean you'd But at least you'd still be there. You know what I mean? You'd still be on, you'd still be listed.

Yeah. Yeah. I maybe wouldn't get in, like in the Badger Monthly. It would probably be all Brian May and I wouldn't be featuring in that one at all. A non-ally,

Jack Whitehall was there. His folk hate badgers. Awful. Yeah, they do, don't they? Famously. You give up, like to, certainly to the uninitiated,

if someone had to guess what your opinion was was on hunting I think they're going to vote that you know you're into it I'm not I'm not saying you are I would understand if someone was like Jack White or looks like he likes hunting

do they own badges? there's a badge of colours in there I don't think it's for sport badges is machine guns I only use machine guns. I don't think it's for sport. Yeah, badgers is machine guns. Oh, yeah, so, yeah. I only use machine guns for badgers. Yeah, they just fucking, like, they just wipe them.

It's not like, oh, I caught this but there's no sport to it. It's just there was a hundred badgers in my yard and now they're gone. Okay. To blame me.

That's less of a cull, more of a very sort of specific badger problem in one garden. Depends how big your garden is now. Yeah, true. They call North Wales God's backyard.

They do, don't they? They do. Do they? Yeah. They do now. Is Rill in North Wales? Yeah. So Rill's in God's garden?

It is. Yeah, but that's like the bit in the corner that he's waiting to be scrapped. That's the outhouse, isn't it? It's got like, you know, like Machu Picchu, but he's going. It is. Yeah, but that's like the bit in the corner that he's waiting to be scrapped. That's the outhouse, isn't it? It's got like, you know, like Machu Picchu, but he's gone for real. Yeah.

I mean, it's people from North Wales who say that. There's no one in Argentina going like, oh, God's backyard. Yeah, that's... One day I wish to visit Llandudno. Cracking Wales, actually.

It's not North Wales that are beautiful. It's only the towns that are festive and shit. It's always full of horrible people. Hey, Anglesey. Hey, come on. Watch it. Anglesey's nice. Anglesey, the bit that looks like it's trying to get away from wales that's a lovely spot yeah that's just slowly trying to become irish yeah i like like

bala lake's good you know and the surrounding areas of bala lake beautiful but come on you can't you can't defend real i know you're from there well i can defend it as as in like it's very british it's a seaside town and it's perfect for what it is but yeah it's not what is it for it's perfect for what what is it not retirees it's more people on the run yeah yeah yeah we're trying to get fin out of real but he, but he won't leave. It's a cost of living crisis, Dan. It's expensive. Rhyl's cheap. We've offered to subsidise you get a flat in Liverpool.

You live with your mum. That's what it's costing a living. She's charging me 25 for a week. It's real like sort of Marbella was in the 1980s. Yes, apparently. Just full of loads of... Yeah, you've got the picture right in your head. Have you seen the business of Danny Dyer? Yeah. It's basically that. Who had the first wave pool in Europe in the Sun Centre?

That's the lamest flex ever. I've got some more real flexes. Lisa Scott Lee from Steps. She's from Real. Okay, keep going. Did she open the wave pool? Is that how you know that? Well, they had to shut the Sun Centre a few years ago

due to some dodgy behaviour from men. But they've opened the sequel down the road. The Sun Centre 2 has been opened down the road. Okay, I've got a few questions if you don't mind. Dodgy behaviour from men. Are you talking about men being a bit... Yeah, in the changing rooms. In the changing rooms, right.

What did you think it meant? Like white collar fraud or something? I'm just fucking checking before we carry on. So what have they done to prevent that? Were they tickling the books or arses? God, there's got to be

a lot of nonsense going on to actually have to move location. There was a few court cases. Right. Do these men not know where the new one is? A few as well. No, they know where the new one is.

They've just put the price up. So it's like 18 quid now. They've just priced them out of it. So here's my question. So there was a problem with men being bad, gropey in the Sun Centre. And they've gone, right, fucking shut this down. This can't go on.

They've moved it a hundred yards down the road. Right. And all they've done different is put the prices up. So my question is, why didn't they just put the prices up and not move? Oh, it's a good question. I think it was the peepholes in the changing rooms that was the issue.

Yeah, it was in the walls. It was cheaper to build a new something than to get some poly filler. Yep. God's backyard, innit? You know? God's backyard. Famously.

You playing real on tour? No? Okay, good. Are you not doing real? No, I'm not doing real. You are. You're doing real. Are you doing real? I'm doing real. I'm doing, okay, good. Are you not doing real? No, I'm not doing real. You are. You're doing real. Are you doing real?

I'm doing real. I'm doing the real pavilion. Yeah, it's where you had your 40th birthday. It is where I have my 40th birthday. For context, Jack, I am 31 years old, but I've already celebrated my 40th because we went on a night out in real. We went to the theatre for dinner,

not to watch a show. Oh. We went to the theatre for dinner because it's the best restaurant in rill uh and they had told the the staff in advance that we were there to celebrate my 40th birthday so they got me a cake they got me four and oh balloons and i've already had my 40th in a theater by the way we do this everywhere we go as a group someone will ring ahead usually him yeah and the last time we did it he rang rang ahead and went it's dan's birthday and it fucking was he'd forgotten it was my birthday and just by chance did the banner and everyone was like oh it's your birthday i was like it is

and he went oh fucking is beautiful moment we also told the people that because he doesn't look 40 that he's got some kind of benjamin Button disease and it's just his last birthday and he treated him accordingly. I think I could pass for 40 though. No. I reckon. No. Not in real.

You're a 10 in real. I am a 10 in real. And a 9.4 here. What are we all laughing at? In this room. In Liverpool. I think you should think about Real for your next tour. I did.

I think I've only played Llandudno in North Wales. For Silky back in the day. No, I did a touring show there. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. In the venue at Cymru. In the venue, yes, exactly. The venue at Cymru.

And that's, I think, the only time I've ever played North Wales. I was hoping Ryan Reynolds might slide into my DMs and ask if I can do the, is it the race course ground? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're doing lots of concerts there, but no. Everyone around Chester's like, oh, it's Ryan Reynolds. I think people are seeing Ryan Reynolds where he's, like, everyone just assumes he's in the area now

because he's in Wrexham all the time. Yeah. So he's in Chester. Oh, yeah, Llandud, no. That's the problem with playing Wales now, is like back in the day when I used to go to Wales, I think they were genuinely appreciative

that I pitched up to do a show there and now they've got Ryan Reynolds and Greg's the Baker and Beyonce playing the Principality Stadium. It's like,

I don't give a shit about me. And Brian May on your flight. I think you put that list in the wrong order there, you know. You've got Ryan Reynolds and Greg's the Baker

and then Beyonce. You've got to work on ordering these lists, Jack, do you know what I mean?yan reynolds greg's the baker and then beyonce you've got to work on ordering these lists jack do you know what i mean that's the list that's the order i do with it really yeah you have a greg's in between seeing ryan reynolds and beyonce i mean yeah cool good call thank you thank you when did this tour start jack when did you get going um i've been i kind of started doing it before Christmas. I was doing some like warmup shows and then I did a month in America, uh, in February. Um, and then yeah, it kicked off in the UK last week and my missus got pregnant in January. Congratulations. So I was then away for the whole of the first trimester in America. Nicely dodged.

Very tense. And then I came back and I'm about to go away on tour for the final tour. When does the tour end? Uh, it ends on the 16th of July. Oh, okay. So by the time the baby's here, you're done. Yeah.

Special will be taped. You better be. You'll be done. Yeah, I'm done. We want to extend the tour. No, you fucking know. No, but that's what every comedian that I've said,

that's the timing of it. They'll go, oh, you're going to regret that. Yeah, you want to get that tour in like when the baby's six months old and you're just desperate to leave the house and I will have done is it your first baby yeah first baby excited yeah

no i'm very excited i mean quite terrifying i don't feel like i'm fully engaged with it yet and i'm like the minute the baby arrives i'm suddenly going to miraculously turn into a like fully fledged um adult but i don't know a grown grown-up. A grown-up. Isn't that what happens, though? You're a dad. Oh, yeah. I'm so adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to be, so it just happens.

Yeah. You're a good dad, though. Yeah, I'm a good dad, but I'm not good at all dad stuff. You don't learn how to be it. You have to be it, so you become it. Yeah. You just fuck it up, but as long as you're trying. Yeah.

You can't. you don't know. I'm going to be using that excuse quite a lot, I think. I'm trying. You've got to just try. I'm trying. I'm just really bad at it. Yeah, I don't know any of the other stuff. What other stuff?

Well, like, you know, you think when you become a dad, you'll get good at dad stuff, like fixing things. And if anything, I've regressed because Laura's just sort of, my wife's just become that guy. He doesn't need to know how to fix things. He's a fucking multimillionaire. Pay some cunts to come and fix it for you. I know, but there's still a pride about that.

You do that? There's still a pride about that. You've got a gardener? Oh, there is. You've got a gardener? Yeah, I've got a gardener to just do a bit of weeding and whatnot. But I still do a lot of the gardening. But I, yeah, I thought you'd just get to an age where you were a dad

and you were like, I can fix stuff now. You suddenly know how to put up a shelf? No. No. I think I might have tried a few years ago, but now. I don't hang my own photographs. Right. What?

I couldn't put a shelf up. It's just a nail in a wall. Can you put a shelf up? I would not be able to put a shelf up. No. Why would you want to be able't put a shelf up. It's just a nail in a wall. Can you put a shelf up? I would not be able to put a shelf up. No. Why would you want to be able to put a shelf up? Hours you've got to spend learning how to put a shelf up and then the hour putting the shelf up.

Yeah. It's a waste of time, isn't it? When it's someone's job, I am supporting the economy by paying someone to put the shelf up. It is. Job creation. Job creation. Yeah.

I really do want to learn to drive now i feel like that is something that i need to get on with i can't drive and now it's something i've put off for so long and i do now feel genuine anxiety that i can't drive and i'm about to have a baby and i feel like that would be quite useful to be able to do i think the the one thing you can't do is have the baby lens drive for you oh god yeah that's too much oh yeah i don't know how quick you can get that done but i don't think you want to take your baby home for the first time in an uber no you can't have p plates on your cars either taking your baby home no i know i just thought but it's mental that i don't know how to drive because as a comedian it's like it's such a

vital part of it when you're starting out i think like if you could drive you could get so many more gigs and i never learned then i had my mum that used to take me to shows like genuinely on the back of her scooter she had a pink vespa and she used to drive me around london and drop me off at gigs and i'd get off the back like straddling her and there'd be all the other comics in the green room looking out the window what the fuck is that and she'd be like oh bye jack let me know what time you want me to come back and pick you up and there'd be all the other comics in the green room looking out the window what the fuck is that and she'd be like oh bye jack let me know what time you want me to come back and pick you up and i'd walk in there and it was so humiliating and like if that didn't make me want to learn to drive like what chance do i have like that that was all all of the like i want to see your mom driving you and the baby and the baby's in a papoose home from the hospital you've got the

baby on yeah or on the back the back have you seen any backpack babies because it used to be like a papoose didn't it so the baby's like looking at you there and like you've got your baby or like the baby's looking out there's papooses now

for your back where the baby's just looking out and that's such an unnatural thing for the child because you're walking that way and the baby's coming this way so the baby's just constantly like a reversing dump truck

yeah particularly on a Vespa as well that will fuck them up like going backwards on a train just fucks your head up going backwards on a fucking Vespa as well. That will fuck them up. Like going backwards on a train. Yeah. Just fucks your head up. Going backwards on a fucking Vespa. Isn't that dangerous though?

It is, yeah, to have a baby on a Vespa. It's a dangerous fact. Having a baby on your back. Put them in one of those like delivery boxes on the back. Keep them warm. On top of the chips.

So have you never had lessons? I had two lessons in between the lockdowns and i was you know making a little bit of forward progress and then there was another lockdown i was like well i think that's a sign from god i should not drive and then just never got back to it i did yeah yeah i did two lessons in it and my dad tried to teach me once that was a fucking disaster he was just such a like miserable git and just in my ear for the which i know is kind of what you're meant to do if you're instructing someone but i just couldn't hear him from him and it really put me off and i so i did one lesson with him and then didn't do

another lesson for like five years and then did two and then i've stopped and so i i feel now i time is running out but i'll teach you if you want yeah we did a we did a racetrack day and i broke the record for the the fastest lap ever i crashed into the wall i literally crashed into the wall and robbed the car off yeah yeah i'm quite that's my other problem is that i know that i'm quite reckless behind the wheel because i've done lots of driving things for shows and stuff i did you know driving tasks on league of their own and i've driven like a monster truck and every single car that i've got behind the wheel of i've ended up crashing or like being dragged out of and so i just again that has slightly spooked me as it would i'm an excellent driver because i've had

nine points for nearly a year now and i haven't got the other three and that's the sign of a good driver you know what i mean it's not to have no points that's the common misconception having no points that's fuck anyone can do that. It's fucking easy. It's having nine and then not getting those last three. Yeah, that is self-control. It's like-

Oh, self-control is the, yeah, that's the phrase that comes to mind with Adam's driving. So aggressive. It's about just dancing on that line, do you know what I mean? It's just like,

you know, you get like the authorities excited, oh, we're going to get another banner, and then you're like, no, fuck you. Full year on nineier. And then you're like, no, fuck you. Full year on nine points. Adam thinks they're watching him. He rolls on nine points, tailing.

He's going down. I do like 90 miles an hour, right the way up to a speed camera, and then slow down to 69, and then speed right back up to 90. They'll never catch me. He punched the traffic light. That was one of the three points.

You punched traffic light? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just knocked it out. Just doing just knocked it out wasn't changing in time so you went out and well i didn't know there was a fucking camera watching me did you punch that as well i didn't know it was there i would have punched the camera over and knows there yeah got three points for. Got three points for doing 120. That was a bit much. Past the school. Flew over the school.

Yeah, but at night. Yeah. It is what it is, isn't it? But those nine points, you know, another three months and I'm clean and then I'm going to get nine again. You love living on the edge. I do love living on the edge.

My therapist said that to me last week. My therapist said to me, because I asked her why I don't deal with anything when it should be dealt with like if i get a parking ticket you know if you pay it in two weeks it's 25 quid or in a month it's 50 quid and then after that it's like you owe 500 quid my i always end up getting it to the 500 quid because i just can't do the task and i was like why am i doing that with every part of my life why do i not do any admin and she said maybe you think your life would be boring if it wasn't chaotic.

And I've never gone fucking yes, love. And me, like just straight away made so much sense to me. I'm causing chaos so that my life's entertaining. So I don't just have to do this and just get bored. Chaotic part. I'm also going to take that. I think that I'm trying and I'm bringing about this chaos

because otherwise my life will be boring. They're both going to be very useful sentiments to pump out when I'm a father. Yeah. Why are you trying to annoy me? Because it would be dull, love. It would be dull. It would be darling.

It would be so dull if I wasn't irritating you constantly. You could learn to drive an automatic before July. You think? Yeah. I think you book it today. Yeah, book it today. Do it.

I'm doing it. But in London. Do one of them crash courses. You do them in like three days and then you're ready to drive. Yeah, automatic. Driving your child on, you'll feel so accomplished.

Do it somewhere chilled out, Rill. Get a crash course in Rill. Not in London. London seems manic. At school, we had to learn to drive in Swindon and Swindon is one of the worst places

to learn to drive because they have this insane magic roundabout yeah it's like five roundabouts all together and you have to go like like you have to like snake through them depending on which way it's honestly one of the ways insane like it's the most complex like roundabout system in europe and we all had to learn to drive in swindon because it was the nearest town and you'd have to go and do your test and you'd have to navigate your way through the magic roundabout which is why my school just so many people came out of it and they're incapable of driving which is just another reason why it was just a ridiculous school like most of us can speak latin but can't drive a car like priorities were all wrong um and

yeah if you look at like you show that roundabout to a driver it's just like anxiety inducing americans don't even get uh roundabouts today no they just literally don't understand it there's a couple of americans that are stranded on that round they've been there for years i turned down quite a well-paid gig once in swindon because i the thought of doing that roundabouts so genuinely this is true i got like a, there used to be a gig in like a little bar in Swindon, right? And I'd done it like once or twice before. And then on the day, it was like a Wednesday night gig,

but they paid like a thousand pounds to headline it. It was definitely like a money cleaning, laundering place or whatever. So it was like a, it held like 80 people, right? They always filled it. It was a nice gig, like 80 people right they always filled it it was a nice gig but 80 people they're paying the headliner a thousand like how much are the tickets here do you know whoever ran that gig is definitely now living in real yeah yeah under an alias i think they i think they were there at the time yeah and i was so hung over like i was just

having one of those days and i was like oh and they text me and was like uh we've lost our headliner tonight do you want to come down to Swindon and close? And it's a thousand pounds. This was years ago and I was skinned and I was so hungover. I was like, I can't do that round the box today. And I said, no. There's no way around it.

I just couldn't do it. I was like, I can't. The idea of getting to Swindon. Yeah. Presumably it must exist because they want to keep people in Swindon and that's the only way they can stop people from fleeing it's like a moat just kids trying to get to university and end up back in swindon i i the the gig that you could the only the gig that i did in swindon

i did the oasis leisure center on my last tour which was a career low point it was there's no way on your last tour you were playing leisure centers no but i didn't know it was a leisure center they said you want to play the swindon oasis i was like oh yeah that sounds rather fancy and so you know the night before i'd been uh the hammersmith apollo and then life comes at you fast i turn up in swindon and it's an active leisure center there were people um like swimming in in the swimming pool and then I was in a sports hall he's just on the squash court so on the tennis all the lines on the floor and they'd put out fold up chairs it all smell of sweat and deep heat

and I said is this an active like sports hall and they said yeah yeah but you know you know it's a really nice gig you'll you'll love it up there and you'll forget that you're in a sports hall once you're you're doing the routine and i was doing the set and and 15 minutes into the set a shuttlecock floated down from the ceiling and just drifted in front of me i was like what the fuck is going on am i being punked thankfully i had some good badminton material to segue into that was really impressive that bit when jack whitehall made that shuttlecock fall from the sky because then he had that bit he must do that every gig the the tour you're going on now and the one that has just started in the uk is predominantly arenas isn't it yeah entirely arenas no it's a i'm doing two weeks of theaters

and then yeah about three three weeks of arenas yeah unbelievable yeah is this the first full arena tour have you done arenas before i know you will have done arenas before but is this the most arenas you've put on a tour show before uh i think yeah it's about the same as the as the last one in terms of the dates that i'm doing um and it's just a little bit more spread out like normally i do it in like in like a two-week chunk and this one is over a couple of months and uh yeah and the first one i've done for like four years as well i took a little bit of time off doing stand-up but really like missed it so much i was so desperate was there a reason you took the time off

is it just busy with other stuff or did you want a break from it i was a little bit busy with other stuff but also i don't know i i feel like i i needed to like live a little bit of life i'd exhausted so many avenues in terms of like what i could talk about on stage and and then like in the four years that i wasn't doing it i met my missus and we moved in together and got a dog and now she's pregnant and all of a sudden it feels like there's so much faster yeah are you sure you want all this? Yeah. Don't do that. I'll save that for the therapist.

Yeah, it was, it was a lockdown relationship as well. We had, we dated three times and then she, I met her in Australia and then she flew back to England and we went into lockdown together having been on three dates so we accelerated through like the first couple of years of a relationship in like three months

oh mate if you've got through that exactly oh yeah yeah that could have ended on the third week of lockdown yeah christ it was intense yeah but there was no flight back to australia at that point either she was trapped she was trapped trapped over here they could have hated each other and they were saying she couldn't leave me you're here now yeah it was actually harder once lockdown ended because then obviously we were released back into the wild and i was living my normal life and i was a stand-up again and going off and doing gigs and filming away from home. And she was also then exposed to the personalities of all of my friendship group. And she was like, I'm not sure what I've got into here.

The lockdown was bliss. Yeah, there's elements of it. There's a lot. When you've got a new missus and you introduce them to you, especially as a comic, because you tend to have a few different groups of friends. I think introducing my missus to comedians is always sound because comedians just want to be like,

like we're dicks with each other, but with another comics partner. I think comedians play the game of, I might have to do this myself. At some point, I'm going to be overly nice and everyone's dead friendly. Yeah, and we're used to meeting other people. Like I was there the night when I met your missus

and i think ishan might have been there and you can see the skill of having to turn up to different dressing rooms and be affable and likable and and you see that and it's not always the same with every friendship group is it well the lads i went to crowd as well it's like our job is to be able to gauge a crowd and like know what kind of jokes are going to work with a specific type of audience and most of our friends don't necessarily have that skill so they'll drop clangers and and try and make jokes that they think are funny and you'll see your missus just like tensing up i feel much safer introducing her to comics yeah than the lads i went to school with no god no yeah it went okay

but like josh and steve well i say went okay. Nearly had a fight that night, but that's not. Oh yeah, you did, yeah. You got away with it. Yeah. Just. Literally just about. Yeah.

Family's the hardest one, I think. I think the family's the one. Because you can, because if you really like someone and you know you're getting together with them, if they fucking hate some of your mates, you can be like, cool, I'll just go and hang out with them. The family one is the one where you got we're gonna have to do this repeatedly

like that's the one i think i i think my friends are like my partner being okay with my friends is so much more important to me yeah than my friends being okay with my family like there's maybe two people in my family where i'm like they need to get on for this to genuinely work. Like my cousin Dolly, I use her as a good litmus test for any partner I've got. It's like, do you like this person? But like my partner getting on with Carl. No, I don't mean, I don't mean every friend. I mean, you know,

like we were talking about the different groups of friends. If they're not into some, like one, like the schoolmates, you can avoid that i i would trust my schoolmates opinion way more than like me dads yeah or my little brothers like like so much more there's no bullshit every partner i've ever had before they've met my family i've had to be like right look here's how it is okay you know the way i'm a bit fucked up well i've done very very well to only be this fucked up and it's because this is chaos there's alcoholism there's drug abuse there's uh unemployment there's a fucking lot going on over here and uh yeah let's go and meet them and they're all lovely

and they're especially lovely and they put the best versions of themselves on when they meet my partner they absolutely do and i know they're gonna do that but if my dad was like i don't really know about it i'd be like cool don't really trust your opinion on anything never mind this uh i'll just you know you'll see her three times a year and that's fine she'll see carl one more if carl was like what the fuck are you doing then i'd be like cool how do i quickly and nicely tell this girl i never want to see it again i've never used that power by the way no so after the lockdown did you have to do all of this in in one sorry there has been one or two occasions where maybe you could have yeah yeah i've held back and let you fall on your own sword you have to learn your own lessons sometimes the juicy girl you didn't warn

him about her uh no he quite liked it you that happen? You just stood by, let that woman clean your mate out? I didn't know. Jack, Jack. I mean, she did buy me a motorbike once. I was like, how the fuck have you afforded that? Jack, I ordered little red flags to have in this mug. Really? And occasionally fucking flew the red flags.

All I'm saying was, some people knew. It's important to be straight for legal reasons that juicy is a way of fiction beautifully written beautifully written it's uh i showed yeah when i was sort of prepping because i had to prep my girlfriend for meeting my dad for the first time obviously i mean it's slightly easier for me because i can just say here's five series of a netflix show what you have to understand is that this is the sanitized version of him and he has been edited to look nicer in this if anything in real life he is even more extreme so brace yourself he was actually fine with her he's just so intimidating and i think it has always been intimidating for like partners uh and my my sister had it even worse there was a story i always remember

she brought back one of her boyfriends to meet my dad and again like he'd been given the talk and he'd been prepared and i was at home living at home at the time and we were like we need to get to the door first and open it so that we can get him in and just sort of like help him settle in and he was a slightly bigger lad as well slightly thicker he was a rugby player and he rang the doorbell and my dad got to it before we could and answered it and opened the door and he looked at this boy who was slightly thicker set and then like barely even addressed him just shouted through to my mom in the kitchen and went hillary we're going to need more food and we're like this poor fucking kid who was like 18 19 years old meeting my dad for

the first time and just gets slapped in the face on arrival me though i i mean i don't know how he took it but that would make me go oh like the fact that he'd said that yeah i'd i'd take that as a joke and be like oh he's willing to joke with me that would relax me so much more than anything else i think the problem i would have then had is i would have then made an inappropriate joke back yeah and then maybe that would have upset him door shut well it's because he never laughs or never smiles so every single line that he delivers even if he's trying to make a joke is just with that same like resting bitch face so it's so hard to ascertain whether he's joking or not and to a lot of people this they're totally thrown

by that and they just think that they're being insulted but like if you know him you know that everything that he says is oh that would give me such anxiety if i was dating yours like like i've always girlfriends when i was younger charming mum getting on with mum always fine dads were not keen on me i think they saw the little fucking ball bag that i was yeah where mom's like isn't he oh he's charming isn't he funny lad at your your dad being like that would have given me the vapors i know i'm gonna be like that i know if i have a daughter then i'm gonna be that kind of a dad i'm gonna want to fucking you know scare the living daylights you are you're terrifying also the fact that i say scare the living daylights out of any boyfriend. You're terrifying, Jeff. You're terrifying.

Also, the fact that I say scare the living daylights, I think is proof that I will never scare anyone. If you hurt my daughter, I'll get an Uber to where you are. My God. I don't want, I want to be, if I have a daughter, I'd want to be sort of I'd want to give off the air of a man who is

I'm your best friend but I'm also the guy who's going to dig your grave you know what I mean no David I've had that and I hate that what do you mean

I've had someone say they'd drive me into the woods and I wouldn't be coming back again no no but I wouldn't tell them I'd just you know I'd give them a look that said it yeah

you know what I mean just for me I want to I think we all want to see that look so ding dong hi mate you know what i say no it's a pleasure to meet you no yeah i love it even more than you do if you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no welcome to the family oh yeah that little pout yeah i bet you all right that was quite intimidating say that again vaseline yeah your lips oh yeah just blow a kiss at him

do you know if you're having a boy or a girl i do but i'm oh you're not, you're not allowed to... Well, yeah, I was going to try and keep it secret, but I know I'm going to blurt it out at some point. You've already done that. I'm going to start talking about it on stage. If I have a daughter. If I had a daughter. If. But maybe it will be a boy.

It could be either of those two. This is just what you're missing. Could you announce the sex of the child on have a word yes i will okay you're like you're like this detail about the uh the baby which was quite funny i went to have the first scan and i was also before i went into the scan i was like just just try and experience this not as a comedian try and just be present and in the moment and like not thinking about whether you could get some material out of this and she told us the due date and she was a bit shifty and she went um yeah so the due date uh for the baby is somewhere between the 10th of

september and the 12th of september and i was like that appears to be a slap bang in the middle there. But you don't want to tell me. I think it'd be quite nice. And the two dates, 9-11. It'd be quite nice to be born on 9-11, though, because when everyone's talking about 9-11, you'd feel like, oh, everyone's really excited for me, but I think the telly's better.

I don't know where they're about to take. The telly is better. The telly is better? Yeah. I am, when I was looking... What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? I was looking for testicles on the scan.

There's a screen up. There's like a big screen on the wall and they're doing the jelly and the thing round. And you've just, even though you've never looked at a scan before, you're like, I'll know balls. I'm pretty sure. And I was like, like wow this kid's got

big balls yeah i kind of don't know what i was looking at maybe the lungs or something i was like they're too slipped i was like and that was literally yeah i was like laura it's a boy no you're just seeing shapes you're not seeing you know it's a 3d no it's 3d scan no it's not it's a the 3d one's a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah. I wasn't looking for the outline of a dick and balls, but I was sure I could see it. And she was like, it's a girl.

And I nearly went, fuck off. Yeah. Well, we're going to have to sort these testicles out then. Yeah. Because they're huge. I saw a dick and balls, or maybe I didn't. Oh. Because it could be either.

Okay, we won't ask you what child you'd have. What are you hoping for? I genuinely don't care. Well, I do know, so I didn't care. I don't care. But, you know, if it is a girl, then I could still enjoy taking her to the football yeah

of course and if it is a boy then I can still enjoy taking him to the ballet I'm really trying to evade accidentally revealing

this gender and doing a very bad job of doing so no I haven't got a fucking clue what you're having yeah of course it's not a girl my daughter's asked to go to the football

and we're going with Uncle Adam. Uncle Adam? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to the Cop for a European game. Oh my God. Let's just start properly. Yeah.

Next season. It won't be next season. It will be. It will be. You're the one I want to be in. One of them nasty ones. We'll be in the championship. Against AZ Alkmaar.

My first football game was at Chelsea and it was a very, very, it was a night game my mom and dad took me and i don't think they were expecting it to be as raucous as it was and the whole of the i just remember as a kid the whole of the stand chanting oh graham paul is a fucking asshole and it was that for 90 minutes and that was my first introduction to football and they were like you're not being a Chelsea fan.

You can support Fulham or Arsenal. Oh, were you at the, you were in, it wasn't Arsenal vs Chelsea. It was a Chelsea home game. Yeah, it was a Chelsea home game. Yeah, because we lived in Chelsea. And your mum and dad weren't into football at all? Yeah, my mum's really into it. She's a Leicester City fan.

Okay. And then my dad had no interest in football until he was like sort of 60. And then because we all started taking an interest in football he decided that he would rather be involved in those conversations than on the periphery of them so then he became a leicester city fan and now he watches all of the games he's obsessed with it and just yeah completely like took took it took it up as a interest in his 60s that's cool yeah i like it that's about it you're an arsenal fan i'm an arsenal fan yeah we were messaging a little bit about that devastating end to the season.

Yeah. It's still a success, though. You would take it. No, I don't like it. They were eight points clear. They're going to finish 12 points behind. It's quite the swing. Second place you've taken.

Yeah, oh, 100%. You've taken Champions League. Yeah, it would have bitten your hand off for that. But just because we got close and then fell into the trap of allowing ourselves to hope it does feel a little bit i'm gonna have a disappointing oh yeah i mean well thanks for that like the one fucking game you turn up for all season it wasn't that that did it though giant lesbife wasn't shall we have a break let's have a break welcome back to

part four of this week's wonderful episode of the halfway podcast Jack White's all still with us this is Dan Nightingale Carl and Finn sat over there

yeah why do you always laugh when I do a bit of professionalism it actually makes my job easier as well it's just it's the only time

you ever go into that mode hi welcome back part two of and there's four and this is part three and this is also part four mathematician at heart but why i don't know i don't know what's wrong with just adding a bit of uh classic showbiz professionalism to our show showbiz yeah it is

because everyone starts the section of the podcast i have no idea which section this is what are we i think it's hard to pull off showbiz professionalism in shorts. People don't know I've got shorts on, Jack. Oh, sorry. You know what I mean? Jack. Oh, yes. And now he's back. He's got the legs of Ham out.

And now he's got the full Ham out. How showbiz he is. Foresight did that once, didn't he? How great would it be if Hugh Edwards hosted the news like that once? Just one time you tune in and there he is

legs out on the table Bombs and cereal against the day ladies and gentlemen I don't like it me anyway Ladies and gentlemen Hello ladies and gentlemen

Bombs and that That was a news round version Well yeah Bombs are bad Chris Evans on the one show So what was it like when Freddie got AIDS? Anyway,

shut up. Peace. We've got some questions to ask you all. Keep the ham out. Keep the ham out. Keep the ham out. We've got a couple

of underrated, overrateds to start us off. Lovely. You can go for these or just whatever you think. Have a vehement, aggressive, shouty opinion on something or you can just be like, I don't give a fuck. Okay. You can go for these or just whatever. You think they're underrated.

Have a vehement, aggressive, shouty opinion on something. Or you can just be like, I don't give a fuck. Okay. So this, we've got two mini rounds, essentially. So the first one is condiments. So we'll go in. The first one is ketchup. I mean...

Underrated, I think. It's the main one. It's versatile as fuck. But it's overrated, isn't it? Because it's not the best one. But it's the main one. It's versatile as fuck. But it's overrated, isn't it? Because it's not the best one, but it's like the default. It's like the first one. Yeah.

It's the main one. I like it. It gets about too much for my liking. I don't really use it. It gets about. It does. It does get about, doesn't it? It's a bit of a slag.

It is a bit of a slag. It's a breakfast condiment. It's a lunch condiment. It's a dinner time condiment. It's fucking everywhere. It doesn't deserve it. Fucking hell, they do it at you.

Ketchup? Is it also, I don't like ketchup, but is it that it's just, some brands are just off the table and they're awful? It should be Heinz. My missus,

I've never known Fury like it when I buy one of the posh ketchups because they're the Stokes' one, which is very nice that one that one has got a little bit of uh texture to it and then there's another one that's even posher which i quite like and she's like what the fuck is this like what is wrong with heinz like i get it you're posh but we do not need to have this ridiculous ketchup what's the poshest one i bet i've never even heard of it i can can't even remember. I'm going to have to Google it. It's also the only sauce in the world that has like pre-cum.

You've got to shake it. Do you know what I mean? That one doesn't. This one doesn't. That one doesn't. Like when you like empty a little bit of tomatoes and the first bit's like all half secret. It's disgusting.

That's what I've got in my fridge. Wilkin and Sons. I've seen this one before in like restaurants that are trying to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a big boy. Do you know i used to work in a pre-come with that that just blows straight into your mouth i used to work 21 quid you pay that you've been buying that it's weird it's three pounds from a cardo but for some reason, £21.99 from Amazon. Yeah, I've Googled them. The Stokes one's more expensive. Yeah, that one's really good.

No? What has this show become? High, solid. Do you know when I used to work in a pub called The Officer's Mess? It was a pub on Victoria Street, Liverpool. On the tables, on every table, it was a gastropub.

It was a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup. Yeah. But every Sunday, we used to refill them with of Heinz tomato ketchup but every Sunday we used to refill them with not Heinz tomato ketchup so they used to buy cheap tomato ketchup that's all pre-cum

and yeah oh the cheap one I ate cheap I know some people prefer it don't they they've got like a they like the cheap one the like

you know the greasy spoon ketchup a cheap ketchup I'm not used to it daddy's is good. Daddy's ketchup or Daddy's brown. I used to, that was the thing when I worked in a pub once and getting all of the ketchup and mayonnaise out of the massive vat

and putting it into the little jars. That job used to make me like dry heave. We used to just get like a huge, like squirty bottle. Like it was like this big and it had like a, like a hand soap pump on the top of it and then you would get a Heinz bottle

and you would pump all the shite one into it and put it back on and put it back on the table weights and measures are going to get involved there mate that's disgusting

weights and measures nothing was the right it was the right measure it wasn't like that's like selling fake vodka right the next one did anyone ever call you out on it no just like

like got it ouch but like they've got like a uh they're sampling the wine i think that's just a pub called the officer's mess it wasn't like an officer's mess it was just a boozer presumably at some point it was you think i worked in the army's pub just but it's just called the officer's it's on water street or near water street where all the barracks are really it was on Victoria Street. No, but Water Street's at the end, isn't it? Like where the barracks are.

It was just a pub where you go down. And one night, it got really out of hand there. I don't know whether I've ever told this story. Yeah, we have, yeah. Have I told this story on the pod? When we got robbed by accident. No, it didn't get robbed by accident. We sort of robbed it accidentally on behalf of the customers.

Talk me through that logic. So at the arena one night, there was a reggae concert on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reggae concert. So there was a man who hired the officer's mess. And I don't know why he chose the officer's mess for this. For his after party of the reggae concert.

He wasn't like the reggae man. It wasn't like it was his concert. No. But he was putting like... Because an unnamed guy doesn't sell out in the arena. Is it the reggae man tonight? Do you know his name? No, but it's four years ago.

So it was a reggae enthusiast then? Yeah, but he was just like, he was a businessman, right? So the guy... A businessman by day a reggae enthusiast yeah but he was just like he was a businessman right so uh the guy the guy businessman by day reggae man by night so it was the guy that created rasta mouse he hired the officer's mess and in the build-up to it so i was like the supervisor at this stage sort of thing and um yeah i know right and this makes it worse in charge of the ketchup no but the manager was like right here's what's happening we've we've signed this deal with this fella so on saturday night he's after um i think it was on a sunday right so he's like on saturday night after the shift we need to empty all of the fridges and all of the shelves because

this fella who's hired the place is bringing his own alcohol he's paid a premium to have the place with his own alcohol it's like right so uh the next day i have to get in early and we set up the bar with all this guy's beers and all this guy's spirits and all this guy's bottle of champagne and uh all that sort of stuff and we're like so what are we doing like till wise he goes oh no no because his brother's on alcohol it's just you know if someone comes to the bar and the manager was like, we want to get rid of this as quickly as possible.

Like, the sooner the booze has gone, the sooner the night ends. But to be fair, I get why he's brought his own booze. If anything, to go by, like, your antics with the ketchup, he doesn't want to be ordering

a beer and moretti and then, is this special brew? You've just been decanting it into all of the bottles. Nah, it takes a turn for the worse here jack okay oh no so uh my manager was like whenever someone comes to the bar yeah it was full by the way busier than it was it felt like a like a shoulder to shoulder nightclub it wasn't like the pub it normally was yeah and they brought a dj who's playing like the loudest, like reggae, hip hop and everything. We saw that coming.

So he said, whenever someone comes to the bar, if they order a brandy and coke, just say to them, do you want the bottle? And then give them the bottle and give them a jug of coke because then that's a lot quicker than giving them, right? It sounds like a bad idea. So people come to the bar going, can I have a brandy and coke?

And I go, do you want the bottle? And they go, how much is it? Be like, no, no, no. It's a open bar because the guy's brother's so and he's like oh cool so then i would give them a bottle of brandy then the fella comes in who's hired at one point and he's like why are you giving everyone the alcohol and we were like because that's what we were told to do and he starts screaming at like the the girl who's the glass collector she was like 17 and i was like what's going on he's like she's giving my alcohol away she's giving my alcohol away and we were like

that's what we've been told to do it turns out that being a miscommunication between the manager of our place and him he wanted to hire the place out and sell his own alcohol right so he's brought all this stuff to sell and we're just fucking giving it to people who've come to the after party the bottle bottles of brandy but he starts like kicking off and like then it when people sort of realize there's a kickoff and the fellow who they've all bought their tickets from is not happy it just becomes like an app it becomes chaos and everyone's screaming and shouting and it's like sort of mob mentality everyone knows there's a kickoff and i was just like get everyone all of our staff especially the young girls just

get them on the street and we just all went on the street called the police waiting for them to arrive and at that point there's people behind the bar just helping themselves to whatever because we're just like i i the manager was like we can't do that and i was like i won't say his name i was like mate i'm taking all the rest of the staff outside there's too many people in here as it is and now they all know that there's been a miscommunication and they should have been charged for alcohol they're just going to be jumping over and getting whatever they want and we're not getting in the way of that and we stood on the street and wait for the police to arrive it sounds very similar to some of the shenanigans that went on in the swan and labrador the pub i worked in, in Putney, on the one fateful day

when they ran out of Whispering Angel. It kicked off in a very similar manner. Love a Whispering Angel. Bit of icing. What's a Whispering Angel? It's a high-end rosé wine. So just to conclude. So just to conclude.

Ketchup, overrated? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whispering Angel, underrated. Rastamouse, underrated. Right, let's go through these. Mayo, underrated, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whispering Angel. Underrated. Rastamouse. Underrated. Right, let's go through these. Mayo.

Underrated, overrated. I think it's just a white ketchup in it. It gets about too much. And then garlic mayo is its own thing, isn't it? I think you're going to feel like that with a lot of these condiments. Salt? They all get about a bit too much.

Garlic mayo is better. Garlic mayo is much better, in my opinion. It needs to have been jazzed up yeah standard mayo is right hot sauce

underrated so heavy on everything does it not get about enough no no it doesn't get about enough hot sauce should be available in like

a breakfast place hot sauce on your eggs is excellent if you go to a greasy spoon I would have brown sauce as the leader. Like he's the headline act on the table because that's what I want normally.

But above, I'm much more likely to have hot sauce on my breakfast than ketchup. Even on cheese on toast. How are you with spice, Jack? Are you worried you're going to get cold into hot ones? Yeah, I'm not great with spice. So I would say- When you go to Nando's, what spice do you have?

Lemon and herb. Oh, no. Did you say lemon and herb? Lemon and herb. And yeah, I have to have lemon and herb. And nowadays I also have to have an Imodium before I've ordered. You are a dad! Yes, it's happening.

It's so tragic. Could you bring back the mango and lime? So if the call comes, Sean Evans phones, hot ones, are you declining just outright? I mean, I would be like, you know, sweating out of my eyeballs on the first. He's not declining hot ones, is he?

No. I'd do it. Hey! Don't you start. Massive joke. Fucking massive, Jack. Right, last one. Mustard. Overrated.

Shite. It's weird. It's got such a weird taste. I love mustard. What kind of mustard? You love mustard. I love English mustard. £40 bottle stuff.

Oh yeah, I've got this special stuff that I buy off Amazon. Mustard ruins a hot dog. Do you know what? A bit of American mustard on a hot dog actually adds to it for me. But when they put as much mustard as they do ketchup, that's wrong. It should be like three quarters to a quarter

ketchup to mustard ratio. I feel like this will get a bit of stick, but I don't like ketchup, but I think mustard's much. I like mustard. So if you have a hot dog, a veggie hot dog, you just think mustard's much. I like mustard. So if you have a hot dog, a veggie hot dog, you'd just have mustard?

Yeah. And onions. You might be the strangest little boy I've ever met. Little? He's bigger than you. Little boy. I'll take it. Right.

We're moving on. This is going to be cities underrated, overrated. So I know your opinion on this one, Adam, but we'll get everyone else's. New York. It's just the best place in the world, apart from Nashville. So it's overrated. It's overrated so i know your opinion on this one adam but we'll get everyone else's new york it's just the best place in the world apart from nashville and so it's overrated overrated by adam it's not overrated it's brilliant yeah it's underrated i like new york i love new york you've been living in la when you're out in in the states are you in new york or doing a bit of everything uh mainly in la which i don't like right new york i

like because it's like the the people there remind me more of brits it's just everyone's keeps themselves to themselves a little bit more and it's less in your face and it just i don't know it feels like you say it's less in the face but there is those people on the street who do shout at you asking if you've got their money as you walk past you got my money like have you met him i met him what's the next city because you've just said it then yeah la yeah so none of us have experienced it what's it like because i've heard that it's well on paper it's paradise it's great food beautiful people sunshine but then within two weeks of being there you're like i could rather be in a weatherspoon like in a pub garden i don't know i just like you can't live there for too long because

just everyone is in the industry like it all feels quite inauthentic is it like living in the obsessed with kale as well everywhere you go every fucking restaurant is like kale salads and kale smoothies and i walked into some place it had a sign on the window it was like our secret ingredient is happiness it's kale it's definitely kale it's everything that you have on there has never been aware of with with either of those things yeah i don't know anyone who speaks highly of la anyone or the committee like even the comedians comedians whose podcasts I sort of listen to every now and then, a lot of them have moved to Austin now. Like, even Tom Segura's, like, we were all in LA

because it felt like the right place to be, but now that we don't have to be there, it's fucking amazing to not be there. The only big comic I know that sort of stayed there is Bill Burr, and that's just because he's got a family, like, sort of bedded in and that, the rest of them have just upped the move because like i don't know anyone who loves la what's it like gigging for you in america is it if people got a preconception of you as kind of the the actor more than the stand-up yeah i mean i'm not like la la is a

hard place to gig as well because there's just so many like comedians there and like big name comedians as well like dropping in and doing the clubs all of the time so you're normally on a bill with someone whose fan base has come to see them and only them so it's it's it's like a it's a it's a weird experience to go and gig there when you haven't got when i don't have a particularly big profile in in stand standup out there. So I've had some nights where I've gone and I've done a gig and I'm on like, there's a guy called Joey Diaz. Do you know him?

Joey Coco Diaz. Joey Coco Diaz. His crowd is slightly different to maybe my target audience. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. And I fucking died on my ass.

Follow him. He literally did a half hour routine about eating ass. And it was like, I've never, it was insane. Every routine. And then he would be back to eating ass. And I didn't, it was kind of impressive to watch someone able to string out 30 minutes

on ass eating. Was that harder to follow than the Madeleine McCann news? I would say, yeah. God, I'd love to see Joey Diaz on The One Show. Holy shit. Or Giles Brandreth doing a section on ass eating.

Right, the next city is Amsterdam. So we did our special there what did you think i loved it but i think it might be overrated you know there's nothing to do it's great but it's still everyone loves it it's just the weed thing if you don't smoke or drink what else you do sightsee go to the van gogh museum and play a i don't think you can say there's nothing to do i mean compared to all the european cities it's very it's not you can say there's nothing to do. I mean, compared to all the European cities, it's very, it's not, you know. Okay, what is there to do in another European, Paris,

that there isn't to do? There's a lot more, there's a lot more culture and things to see in Paris than there is in Amsterdam. Name them. Versailles, the Eiffel Tower, all of the museums.

Amsterdam's got that bridge that I was looking for for a bit. Ah, that bridge. The Rijksmuseum. The what? The Rijksmuseum. Yeah.

Anne Frank House. Anne Frank House. What is that? It's near that bridge. the reichs museum the reichs museum yeah and then the you know red light amsterdam been ever been ever been a fan ever been yeah i love i love my brother lives in amsterdam no yeah what a great place for your brother to fuck off to great could have been swindled yeah he lives he's been there for a year now lives with his missus she works for just eat who are based in amsterdam and they offered her a couple of years got a job on the bikes well it's the best place to do it so much respect for cyclists there um anyone's ever moved for a justy job got an opening in brussels sound i did my own bike i did a gig gig there a couple of weeks ago and i was i played the afas arena and it was next to uh the iac stadium and they uh they had metallica on in the stadium at the same time which is so funny

watching all of these middle-class expats shuffling into my show and then a load of metal heads just mingling in the car park right a couple of british cities to round us off manchester totally overdated totally and completely and utterly people think it's the second best city in the UK and it isn't. Where is it? Liverpool? The second best city? No, that's number one.

I thought we were all just going to London. Have you seen that thing where it says... What was it? People got asked where the second best city in the UK was. Everyone in Manchester said Manchester and everyone in manchester said manchester and everyone liverpool also said manchester that's good because we said number one then yeah you get it yeah um manchester is overrated good place to go to uni though yeah i think my problem with manchester is i love manchester so much because i was a student there but like i was just infatuated with it because

i'd never been anywhere else other than london at that point and it was incredible to just not be living at home with my parents so I just fell in love with Manchester hard and then do you remember the after party that someone had at your student house yeah we did a student gig yeah yeah and uh it was I think Joel Isott and you had a gig together yeah do you know I've told that to people and they're like you're making it up i was like yeah these two students yeah i remember thinking yeah they're both they've got potential yeah and i was like the paid yeah the paid you know headliner yeah on a wednesday yeah it was your mate i can't remember his name but you and your mate ran yeah like yeah yeah comedy and i got paid 120 quid yeah and afterwards like everyone was like wow you know

wow so you get paid to do stand-up i was like yeah man yeah and i'm literally trying to give jack and joe lice advice i was like you keep on these tracks guys maybe one day give it three or four years you could be getting 120 quid on a wednesday i can see both of you on spiky mags mailing list i really can yeah yeah keep going we had John Bishop do that gig like a couple of months later and we ran out of cash because we hadn't like divvied it up properly and had to give him £70 cash and then some laughing gas.

That's how student it was. The after party was great though. It was so good. And this was like, it got to the point where it was just about to get larry and you were like i'm off to bed i was left with like three or four of your mates crazies i even i called i was like oh dude you're the old you're the old guy in the student party well and there was one party as well i woke up the following morning because i used to do that

i was quite good at a french exit and then i woke up and came downstairs and there was a rather, I would say, feisty homeless gentleman that used to loiter around the bus stop abusing the students. And I found him asleep on the sofa in our living room. And he had unfortunately soiled himself. And I had to wake him up

and usher him out of the house and then walk back in. And I looked at this sofa and i was like oh god i could go and tell everyone about this and then attempt to clean it but i could also just turn those cushions over and get on with my life and i picked up the sofa cushions and i turned them over and didn't tell anyone that's why every student loses their deposit at the end of the year of renting a place our house was disgusting it had like a beer funnel strapped to the top that wrapped around

the stairs and then this like sort of patch of beer on the carpet at the bottom of it but like i remember light bulbs used to go out and we used to look at that happen and be like well i guess this is a day room now we spent our entire budget for furniture on a pool table it was just like it was a proper frat house we lost the front door as well had another party where i came down and someone had nicked the front door ripped it off the hinges and there was no front door so i had to go out and buy um a bin liner and some gaffer tape and just seal it up so that there wasn't a draft like someone had broken your car window that'll do that'll do why do we keep having homeless people shit themselves on the couch i think i've got a clue it might be the bin bag door i think you

just missed conclusions manchester is overrated i think it's good. I actually like Manchester. But it is totally and utterly overrated by every single person on the planet. Okay. Decisive there. Right, we're going to have some advice. Hit the jingle. Yes, Finn, I will.

It works for us. How are you giving advice? You're quite good at advice people write in because they know we've got our lives together and they want to

oh yeah I see how good at giving advice right this one is from anonymous wag wag lids I have a little bit of a dilemma

I've been working with my dad as a plumber for a few months and I've noticed some suspicious behavior from him in the past few weeks

he's been overcharging people for basic jobs we've been doing I'm not sure whether I need to say something I've left it suspicious behavior from him in the past few weeks. He's been overcharging people for basic jobs we've been doing. I'm not sure whether I need to say something. I've left it for a while, but last week, he charged an old woman, probably about 75, over 500 pounds for a 20-minute dead simple job. What do I do in this situation? Keep my mouth shut and enjoy the money or confront him on it.

Ooh, that's stinky. That sounds like a fucking prick. Good. That's all we're saying. Yeah's it here's your advice oh that's it sounds like one of them isn't it cowboy isn't he i mean all tradesmen if they're you know especially if they see guys like me they're like oh a shelf they don't put themselves up but when it's the when it's pensioners i feel like that's really robbing pensioners jack can you i mean i got charged three grand by someone to refit that front door but i think yeah they were within their rights to do so i've got to be honest it's okay to rob you yeah oh 100 you can't%. You can't rob a 75-year-old woman. No, you can't.

What if she was a wealthy woman? I haven't said that. If she's that old, she was probably racist, so, you know, fuck her. No, just statistically. Yeah. One in three, is it? I think it's more like three in four.

I wouldn't work for him. I'd bin it off, just get a proper job. But it's his dad. Yeah. What does he do? Does he... He can't build it. Dad's your scumbag.

See you at Christmas. No, he lives with his dad, I'm guessing. I think you're going to say something. Would you say something? Stand up. How would you confront him? I mean, I haven't stood up to my dad in 34 years. Yeah, stand up to him, why don't you?

Do a Netflix series with him. Yeah, do a Netflix series with him. Travels with my plumber. He's not going to change, is he? Remember the programme, Cowboy Builders? Do that, but from the other perspective. Do Cowboy Builders 2, but you are the cowboy builder.

Oh, yeah. You could snitch him out to Dominic Littlewood. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, that's a good idea. No, no, no, no, no. Just get on board with your dad, right? Just accept that that's what he does

and just film it from that perspective. So you can do, like, before you're going into the house, you're like, right right this one's 89 she's fucking lost her marbles and now we're going to take two grand

off her to put a light bulb in I wonder if they'll be able to how to rob pensioners yeah film the court case as well

what is that BBC yeah it doesn't seem like it I think we're in the age of creating your own content aren't you start a Patreon

yeah so that's our advice charge 400 quid a month our advice aren't you? Start a Patreon. So that's our advice. Charge 400 quid a month. Our advice to this guy is start a Patreon and film your dad scamming people. Monetize it further. That's great advice. Stop working for your scummy dad.

I don't think it's as easy as that, though, is it? Why? It's family, isn't it? What do you do to make him... Yeah, you can get another job. You can. It is that easy. You don't have to work for your dad if you don't want to.

Do you call him out on it, I mean? Well, I don't think he's ever going to change, but you can work somewhere else where you don't have to work for your dad if you don't want to call him out I don't think he's ever going to change but you can work somewhere else where you don't feel the ick every time you rip off someone

I actually do think people do have the capacity for change cool apart from 75 year old racist women yeah they're awful yeah they're sucking

their ways I think call him out and then if he kicks off just say I am bringing about this chaos because otherwise my life would be boring

that's how you fucking podcast baby right this one's from beardy kins uh wag wag lids need some advice my wife and i have been together 13 years and i've always been quite kinky we recently introduced pegging into our sex life oh my god that's where the woman bums the man yeah no no he's been in la darling i was far too quick to go i know what that is i'm pegging you say oh yes i think this one's maybe more for adam after shitting on my wife several times i've actually seen this in the prep. I was like, he's not going to do that one today. Why not? Go on. Why not?

Several times. I tried douching beforehand, but there still always seems to be. This is why I did it. I've almost seen it. She's taking it. This phrase was why I've picked this question. There always seem to be some chocolate hostages left behind. Now this would make a good vt for the one show hello i'm adam and today is the chocolate hostage special

even after one or two douches uh there's still chocolate just left behind any advice to help me completely clean my back door area just only fuck on the couch and then turn the cushions over when you're done. There you go. He's nailed it. He's nailed it in one. Very nicely navigated. Right.

I have a word to round us out. Let's go. Let's go. Genuinely, you just, maybe pegging's not for you. If you're douching twice

and you still, that's still happening. Change your diet, more fibre. There you go. Yeahing twice and you still... That's still happening. Change your diet, more fibre. There you go, yeah. Yeah, get some special care. Or use this doucher that we have. What is that?

It's a doucher. This is an actual doucher. It's an actual doucher. It's what you do is... You fill your bath up, right? And then you do this in it. Fill your bath. You don't need that much water, do you?

No, I think it's got, it's not just gotta be sterilized water. Sterilized water? Does it not? I don't know. It's gotta be holy water. Holy water. It does feel like it.

So then you release it, and this will suck the water off. Is that my gift for coming on the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jonathan Ross, you get a mug and a canvas bag. And on every word, you get a douche. Can we not give him an unused one?

And then you do that and then it cleans out your body. Do you have any unused, that doesn't mean used, does it? Why don't we send this to that guy?

We've got several thousand pounds worth of sex toys behind that curtain. Oh no, don't throw fucking sex toys at us. Because Matthew, our sponsor,

Love Honey, furnished us with their entire catal really yeah all the things wow yeah there was one point when there was too many actually used um in this studio to clean the camera lenses we just do that on it you do the camera lens yeah i am i did a gig in la and it was at a sex shop and they didn't tell me it was at a sex shop and i landed and i turned up to the address and walked in and i was like there must be a mistake and I called my agent he was like no no it's a gig in a sex shop I was like I'm not doing that I mean and he was like you did the leisure

center last week I was like just say my plane got delayed I don't feel comfortable performing in a sex shop and so then I hang up and the guy came over and he was like are you here for the comedy gig and I was like nope and then realized that the only way i could get out of that situation and save face was to look like a customer around like looking at a few handcuffs and dildos buy a butt plug and off i went did you buy a plug no no i didn't i didn't feel like i needed to actually buy something but you were just browsing i was just browsing yeah which actually makes you look like even more of a weirdo yeah that looks like you've gone into a sex shop and you know what they haven't got what i'm looking for i think i need to get that on the dark web

right this have a word is from sam beard he said have a word with my colleague in the kitchen at work we'll call him ben he always lies to us about the most unrealistic things and we've called him out on it, but he still does it. He's a real life Jake Hartwright. Should I call him out or let him keep having a laugh? Here's some examples of his lies. He apparently opened the Seven Bridge

between England and Wales with Prince Charles. Having an over the phone flirtation shit with the lady who used to sell us our vegetables. Apparently she even came in one time because she had to put a face to the voice. Getting kicked out of Pizza Hut

for eating too much pizza and eating 88 pounds of steak. Was he eating pizza off the people's table? From the all-you-can-eat lunch button. Right, okay. He wasn't just like going in, I'll have one pizza, but I'm having some of theirs as well.

Me and Adam ate more steak than that when we went out for steak that time. That's true, actually. So that one- What did he eat? 88 ounce steak in one sitting. We ate more than that, didn't we? Yeah, I think so.

This guy's a big lad. So have you got any, have you ever had a friend that just lies about stuff? Yes. We've got one. We've got one who is the epitome of Jake Hartwright. And he's got similar letters in his name to Ben. Yeah.

It's better. No, it's Ben. This is our mate. I wrote this. You have to let him do it and you enjoy it. Just laugh at it. Not at him. Just enjoy it behind his back.

If you've got a bullshit, it's great. You just have to interrogate them. Not interrogate them, but playfully interrogate them. Pick holes in it. Yeah. Not pick holes.

Just keep asking. You don't even want to pick holes you just want to like watch them try and extend the bullshit so when he's like i opened the seven bridge you don't just go oh cool you go how did that come about how did you get to do that and then they've got to invent that bit and then whatever they say there you ask a question about that and you just make them paint this unbelievable nonsense picture and eventually they eventually they'll out themselves. It's fun. Life's better with people who are full of shit. Yeah, he's insane.

He's insane. He said he went to Thailand once for three weeks. That's the lie. It was part of the lie. It was showing A-level revision. And he was a smart kid, but didn't want us to know. He was too cool to be like, I'm revising for a few weeks

so I'm not coming out drinking so he said to us that he'd been in Thailand for three weeks learning MMA he went yeah I'm gonna go to Thailand for a bit

a week later he was like I'm home I didn't like it and he got a tattoo on his belly he got a tattoo in Liverpool

to prove oh yeah I got it in Thailand yeah and then passed his exams with flying colors because he's a smart lad he felt stupid revising so he said he's gonna go it's like two curls of

revise just like yeah i'm going to thailand to learn to punch people's heads in anyway yeah we're not even making that up and it sounds like we are yeah but that is what he did i seen him the other day got any bullshit mates? I had one at school. He used to lie quite a lot. I think he said his dad ran Nike at one point and then told us that he was friends with Britney Spears and was going to bring in autographs from Britney Spears. I feel like at your school, this is all believable.

Like if that was at my school, I'd be like, no, you don't. You're a cardinal, you know. You can either be a mathematician or a cardinal you know you can either be a mathematician or a murderer and you need to pick one of them what are we the britney spears the britney spears autograph one is one of the lamest ones like everyone's gonna go oh my god they are signed but he brought some in and they were all obviously completely different because he tried to forge her signature have you you seen the conspiracy about Britney Spears?

Oh, no. That it's her sister. Have you seen? Britney Spears is dead, right? Is she? Jamie. Is it Jamie? Yeah.

So there's a TikTok video, right, where she's, like, doing, like, a... She's doing a bit of a sexy, like, dance or whatever. She's going crazy. And when she gets, like, here, it's like a filter breaks. But, like, her face changes for like half a second and you can see the person who's got the Britney Spears

filter on under it and it just looks like her sister so allegedly Britney why would she be on TikTok? why are you going to dead? well she's either dead or you know tied up somewhere or just do something on TikTok yeah maybe

and your friend's the fantasist I just I think it's better to live in a world where conspiracies are real Jack

do you know what I mean and I don't but I have to listen to a few Bin Laden did 9-11 boring

boring too obvious Britney Spears did 9-11 no that's why Boring. Too obvious. Britney Spears. Britney Spears. Did 9-11. That's why she's dead. That wouldn't be boring. It wouldn't be boring.

We found out Britney Spears orchestrated 9-11. Yeah. I know which bit of this is getting cut. I know. The disparity in the lies as well is quite grand, isn't it?

Between opening the Severn Bridge with Prince Charles and eating too much pizza in Pizza Hut. That one I can buy. That is possible. On the buffet, there should be a rule where you cannot be thrown out for eating too much pizza at the buffet. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Come on. But that's the lie, isn't it? He got chucked out for it. So he must have... No, genuinely, can you get thrown out of pizza for eating too much god no can you just stay there all day no the buffet is limited like a two hour limit don't they right okay can you take it out with you because you could just take loads of pizza boxes in no you're not allowed to take it out uh they've got you yeah this guy must have

eaten a lot of pizza then okay right do you want one more one more yeah so this is from couple pow uh wag wag lids one of my mates is getting married later this year and hasn't picked his first dance song yet i'm trying to find the best worst song for him to use such as gold digger and it wasn't me figured you guys could come up with some incredible options it was me so what do you think the best worst songs for a first dancer any plans to get money jack uh yeah have you got your first dance song is the one that you'd go for i mean yeah i don't think i'd get much say in the choice of what that song would be yeah i would definitely be like something that she wanted.

Like traditional. Yeah, I would go with the flow, whatever she... It's a really good tactic for weddings, isn't it? Just keep it smooth. The path of least resistance. You have to pretend to like it. Yeah. You can't go, I don't care.

You're like, that's a good choice, actually. What was your first dance, Dan? There was a Van Morrison song that went into Paul Simon,on call me out because we wanted everyone to start dancing with us that's nice we did a little remix i feel like my missus would probably pick something like cardi b wap or she loves all of that kind of music wow i don't think you can be getting your nan up to sing wet ass but sorry you can't be like pulling your nans come on love come on you can't do that I'd like a

like like something a dance that everyone knows maybe like the cupid shuffle because then everyone gets up to do it don't they are you not doing

a dance on your own no oh yeah you start with like 30 seconds all the boring shit but then you want are you singing it what was that

that was Cardi B that was WAP you know what I mean you start with like one of the traditional boring ones but then you want something. Are you singing it? What was that? That was Cardi B. That was WAP. You know what I mean? You start with like one of the traditional boredom ones but then it just goes in.

With the cha-cha slide. Cha-cha slide. Oh. Classic. So you want to choreograph first dance? I'll do the 30 seconds. I'll be learning to dance

before my first dance. I'll be going to dance lessons. There's no chance I'm going to be the guy like three weeks in Thailand. You just have to to dance lessons. There's no chance I'm going to be the guy like... Three weeks in Thailand. You just have to do dance lessons.

You've danced in front of 7,000 people. I know I have, but it's different. It's like everyone's watching you dance. They're all watching me, whatever. But I want to learn a dance. Oh, that's great. Rather than me like awkwardly... Yeah, but you don't want to be one of them cringy.

It's a bit tragic if it's too well rehearsed. No, no, no. I mean, like I learn how to how to you know slow dance the first dance is just you're just basically

a cuddle with one one arm up it's not you're not spinning and like it's not a tango but it should be though shouldn't it

that's well better live in La Vida Loca ah Adam's singing I'm out I'm'm gonna be so pissed by that point no i want to learn to dance i want to look cool i don't want to be like because i'm not a good dancer at all a bit of this so i wanted to learn how to at least move my feet yeah cardi b tell him cardi b cardi b email back ricky martin once asked me to remove a joke from a script because I was doing the Royal Variety Show and he was on it

and I had a reference when I brought him out to saying the Queen was about to be shaking her bonbons to the tunes of Ricky Martin and he heard it in rehearsal and asked me to remove it

because he thought it was disrespectful. To who? To him or the Queen? To the Queen. Is he a spokesperson? Yeah, what the hell? He's the only person i think that's ever asked me to remove a joke did he do live in la vida loca he did live in la vida loca at the roll of the ice she bangs it's honestly amazing those shows

are just so mental like watching the queen sort of pretending to enjoy Ricky Martin. I'm like, she's far more offended, I'm sure, by your performance than anything that I'm going to say. She loves a roast. Right, shall we call it? Is that the ep? Yeah. Go and see Jack on tour.

Jack is touring. Where can they get tickets? I imagine it's jackwhitehall.com. Jackwhitehall.com jackwhitehall.com and you can come and see me in the overrated city of Manchester or the underrated city

of Liverpool and other places I even think Liverpool's overrated by the people who live here but and underrated by everyone who doesn't

that's my genuine opinion we did that a few weeks ago and I stand by that Manchester's overrated by everyone we're doing a live show in Newcastle. Yes.

On June the 8th. Yes. There's a handful of tickets left. Dublin in July. Glasgow in July. Would you like a couple of guest announcements for Dublin? Oh, yeah. Drop them.

Darren Conway's coming on, isn't he? And Willow White. So. Two local Dublin legends. Willow's going to do a bit of stand-up and join us for the podcast. Darren's going to join us for the podcast. Haveawordlive.com.

Yeah? Yeah. It's good. I'm on tour as well, so is Dan. But you already know where to get tickets for those. Dan, I like your new sneak thing on the table. Yeah, it's all right. We did an advert for sneak in the first section, didn't we?

But sneak, it's dead good. Yeah. Jack, I really appreciate it. get on the table it's alright we did an advert for Sneak in the first section didn't we but Sneak is dead good yeah Jack I really appreciate it thanks for coming in man yeah thanks very much for having me good luck on tour

good luck with the baby thank you got a song? we have got a song this is from a band called Orange Sun and this is called

Dream and Lie I love the song but you know I just think yeah it's your favourite bit isn't it I just think it's very nice of us to, you know,

give a platform to these musicians. And I think more often than not, the song's an absolute banger. You listen to them every week. Never listen to one. Appreciate it. That's it. Thank you. Liar, liar, do your dance Make a smile even for a little while

Liar, liar, pipe the trance Fame and gal, tears of the crocodile Liar, liar, take your chance once or twice Ain't no shame, ain't no game Take a chance. Thanks for watching! So fly and I'll put you on Fly, you're lighter Do you dance? Make a smile even for a little while Fly, you're lighter Wide out of chance Came in wild tears

of the crocodile Lie and Liar Take your chance once over Ain't no shame Ain't no playing game Nothing on the table We'll see you next time. I love you. you