Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #227 with Stephen Tries - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 4, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig (24th June): https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJack Whitehallhttps://twitter.com/jackwhitehallhttps://instagram.com/jackwhitehallTickets for Jack Whitehall: Settle Down are on sale now. Ticketmaster have also waived their fees on select tickets. Tickets on sale now from ticketmaster.co.uk/jackwhitehall”ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Adam Rowe. This is my podcast co-host Dan Nightingale. This is the Have A Word podcast. And we have some exciting news, although it's not news because this has been the case for quite a while. We're on tour. We are going on tour.

Tickets are available at haveawordlive.com. Now, here's the thing. We're doing a live version of this podcast with many special guests joining us. We've already done one show in Birmingham. Huge success. And we have shows coming up in Newcastle, Dublin and Glasgow. Newcastle and Glasgow.

Very close to sold out. But Dublin needs a bit of a push. You know what I'm saying? Vicar Street, Dublin. Thursday the 6th of July. Get in it. Irish lids, come on. There's still a couple of hundred tickets left and we'd like to sell this big old room out. But we're getting there. In the autumn, I'm on tour, dannightingale.com,

all around the country. And then Adam's on tour. Pretty much the same time as Dan, adamrode.co.uk. I'm going all over the gaff. Europe, the UK, Australia and America still to be announced. I'm very excited about it. And on top of that, the primary purpose of this little pre-roll is to tell you about this podcast's Patreon page.

If you're not already a Patreon, what are you waiting for? 22,000 and counting. We are the 18th biggest Patreon on the planet. Patreon.com slash have a word pod starts from just three quid a month and you get all of these extras. You get a Patreon exclusive every Wednesday. Just me, Adam, Carl, and the boys,

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Every bonus episode that we've ever done, you get as soon as you sign up. And like Dan said, we do a special every month. We've done drunk episodes in here, our legendary lock-ins. We've been on two ghost hunts. We've done the Amsterdam special,

which is the most popular one we've ever done. And coming this month, we've got the Nashville special. A two, maybe even three-part special coming this month. And if you sign up from just £3, you get access to all the content. £5 and £10

get extra bonuses for signing up for a bit more money. But if you're just after the content, you can get it all from just £3 a month at patreon.com slash have a weird pod. 22k. Get on me. Have a weird live.com for those tickets, yeah. All the live show tickets, all my tickets, all Dan's tickets. Come on me. Have a word live.com for those tickets, yeah? Yes.

All the live show tickets, all my tickets, all Dan's tickets. Come on. All in one convenient place. Come see the lids. Wag Wag Lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming.

Go, Ed, get on me. Al Pacino's having a baby. Is he? Al Pacino's 82 years old and his 29-year-old missus is about to give birth. Whoa! Oh, yeah. No, that's not nice. This is a great choice.

Planned? I haven't spoke to him. Have you not? Drop him a text. Drop him a text. I'm guessing she at least planned it. Oh.

Oh. See what you're saying? Yeah. Because she wanted a baby and some of that. She wants that godfather money. She wants that cash. She. She wants that heat cash.

She wants one, two or three. All of it. Two shit, innit? All of it. She wants that cash from Devil's Advocate, from Heat. Oh, she wanted some of that Heat money. Yeah. She wanted some of that...

What's the one money can't see? Insomnia. Yeah. Wanted some of that dog day afternoon money. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Irishman. Wanted some of that dog day afternoon money oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah the Irishman wanted some of the

Irishman money oh goodfellas they all run out of fucking films I know he's not goodfellas is he no he's not yeah

she's gonna have to work harder for that goodfellas money cause he's cause he's not in it can he still get it up do you reckon that was like a proper consummation medicine has come so far Carl so Al Pacino can get an absolutely Can he still get it up? Do you reckon that was a proper consummation?

Medicine has come so far, Carl. So Al Pacino can get an absolute fucking stonk on me. How fucking dare you? Both of you. What? Al Pacino needs fucking medicine. He's 82. I can't give a shit.

Pacino is still raw dogging, mate. Well, he is, yeah. Yeah! Do you think you're still getting hard? Double your age. I can't give a shit. Pacino's still raw, dogging me. No, well, he is, yeah. Yeah. Do you think you're still getting hard? Double your age. Yeah. Maybe not me, but Pacino. Do you reckon you have a finite amount of erections?

Oh, well, I am nearly used up then. You know what I mean? Yeah. Is there a finite amount you get, and then it's just like it's over? Question? Addendment? To completion?

A stiffy to completion? Or are you saying finite number of stiffies? Stiffies. Wow. What if you were just had a quick trick Quick trigger stiffy. Quick trigger stiffy. What if you just get

quick trigger stiffies? Oh, you fuck. It's a waste, isn't it? You only get a bucket of cum. And that's a fact, is it? Yeah. You only get a bucket. I've got it. I'm hoping I've got a big bucket.

Genuinely. Because otherwise I'm nearly out. That'd be scary. If you stopped having the urge to sort yourself out at this age, would that be a relief to you? Would you be quite happy to never want to fuck again? 42. A relief.

What do you mean? How am I going to sleep? Well, you know the way you're a wanker, aren't you? Famously. You love it. I love a chously. Like, you love it. I love a chuff. I love a chuff.

Yeah. Oh, I love a chuff. Now, be honest. Who doesn't love a chuff? Sometimes I feel like it's a bit of a chore. What? Sometimes I feel like I've just got to get the demon out of me. You know what I mean?

Occasionally, I'm like, no, can we be bothered? But I'm putting up some stats. Yeah. Okay. I get what you mean. Yeah. Would you quite, would you like to lose your love of the game and just be like, you know what?

I just want to watch the cellies. I'll be using SMK. So that's going to be my, what if I'm like, oh my God, this is turning me on more. Tinky winky. Which I've got um oh i would eventually i'd like it to just i don't want it to just be one one one day it's gone that that'd be worrying but if it faded out just you know wouldn't make your life easier just went down a division played a few less games you know know, if I end up at Reading,

just, you know, controlling the midfield, that's sort of, I don't want, you know, I can't, I'm no internationals anymore. I do want to go down, but it's not happened yet. You're still a Virile motherfucker, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to be over with it.

Or just be done. Yeah. I think the age to fuck is holding me back. I'd get so much more done and I I think you'd lose some of your va-va-voom yeah

I wouldn't worry about you Adam if Adam just came in and went lads I'm just gonna be honest the urge to fuck is gone and I'm just I think so much of my creative energy

is like perfecting new fuck techniques when I could be using it to write new jokes yeah yeah Adam Rose new special good

but I just get a sense he wants to fuck too much do you know what i mean where were the callbacks his new specials called fuck techniques he's called fuck techniques i'd be into it i'd worry about you if you if you lost that you know the pacino i think you still got a bit of it in it you genuinely not think pacino's on yeah he's on the blue pill isn't he no no I think you

I think you honestly need to look at yourselves for even suggesting it the man's a fuck he's a goat shagging he looks like a goat now actually

he's a goat shagger we've seen the state of him now yeah he looks like like he's been he looks like a body that's been electrocuted

in a Home Alone film yeah getting some of that Home Alone oh no lads I just I hope

I hope for all mankind that Pacino is still like she's a great ass and that's and that gets him going do you think it's okay

for 82 year old men to be father and children do you think there should be a limit on when you can yeah yeah absolutely yeah well i mean if you want to write a decent stand-up special then yeah but i mean these are just the fundamentals of life aren't they you gotta you know you can't you can't stop people who want to fuck i don't think and if you can find a 35-year-old who's like,

I want a baby, 29. 29! Younger than us. He's a fucking king. And I don't want any of this chat. What are we doing here, boys? He's living the dream.

Are we questioning his erections? Come on, lads. If you're wearing Velcro, you shouldn't be allowed to fuck. You should be looking up to him. You look like a young Pacino. You should be fucking, that should be the example.

He wears Velcro. What? If you're young enough. All right, he's a fucking nonce then. We're done. If you're young enough to wear Velcro and old enough to wear Velcro, you shouldn't be allowed to fuck.

It should be the Velcro one. If it would be reasonable for him to. That's great. As soon as Velcro's out your life, If you need Velcro. Yeah. Once you're relying on Velcro, his fucking laces.

Yeah. Horrific. Yeah. Yeah. If you've thought to yourself as a man, do you know what? A wallet with Velcro would be safer. It'd be safer, you know, on holiday.

Yeah. No fucking for you. No. You should be executed. 29. I'm guessing she's a beautiful woman. Have you seen her? She's a bit of a chunk like

She sounds even better So unnecessary She sounds better though I mean she's heavily pregnant Do you know what I mean? Is she thick Spelled wrong? Yeah

Yeah That's great She looks like a A Latin Lady to me A Latin chunk? Wide set When I said she's a bit of a chunk

I'm just joking she's pregnant isn't she yeah yeah yeah women get bigger when they get pregnant oh that will do it thanks for letting me know I wonder what happened to Laura

those couple of times but now I'm looking back I was like oh you were heavily pregnant I was like bitch you need to start eating pastry that's what I said to her

she was annoyed where did you actually meet what where did they meet I don't know the Velcro shop she had been down yeah Velcro world Velcro world it don't know. The Velcro shop. She had been down.

Velcro world. Velcro world. It's on 5th. The Velcro district. Yeah, it's the Velcro district. Velcro. Velcro, Velcro, Velcro. Does he still live in LA?

I don't know. I think he's still LA, isn't he? I think 29 might be too old for him, genuinely, from what I've heard about LA. What is he, into milfs? When his kid turns 18, he's going to be getting a letter from King Charles. Is he?

He sends him around the world. And everyone gets a letter? Everywhere in the world? He's turning 100, you get a letter from the Queen, don't you? But she's fucking... So it's the King now. Do you think he's like one of them jobs where he's like... Do you reckon it's the King

or do you reckon Camilla's doing it? Do you reckon it's like the female lead does it? He can't hold a pen in. Fucking messing at you with a big crayon. Like a finger painting. We're going to need bigger paper. But when you're 100, you get a telegram, don't you? Which is a letter.

You get a letter from the queen saying congratulations. Yeah, if you're a citizen of the great United Kingdom. Oh, I thought it was everyone. No, no, they won't pay postage. They won't pay postage. How do they know? I don't know. How do they know when I'm 100?

Because I don't know her birthday. You're the citizen of the UK, so they know. I said, do you know her birthday? It's the 29th of February, wasn't it? It was. No, they use Royal Mail because they get it for free. That's one of the perks of being on the fucking stamps. She's like, I've got these letters to post.

They're like, that's a little fucking quid of first class. She's like, I've got these letters to post. And they're like, that's like some little fucking quid of first class. She's like, I don't think so. My head's a stamp. Just look at my head and put it in the letterbox. She just headbutts a fucking envelope. Fuck off. Post it. Can't.

That's what she was like. I want a letter, though. I want to see what it says. Because is it personal? Yeah. Yeah. She becomes, they send her your record of achievement

of all of them school oh sick and she uses that that's what a record of achievement's for it's in case you ever say it 100 that's how she died

just a lot of ROAs fell on her they are quite heavy you have good communication skills no she was ill for ages oh yeah yeah she was old age

she was like Dumbledore she got the hand she was like Dumbledore. She got the hand. She was like Dumbledore? Yeah. He got the hand. His hand went black. You get old, your hands just go black

and you die. What? She died of... Black hand? She died of getting black hands. She died from the black hand? Yeah. Dumbledore got it.

She got it. Look at her hands before she dead, mate. Oh, you shouldn't be looking at hands. They get to an age where you're like, there's nowhere to look let's be honest at the blouse um yeah i don't think it's just uk it is just uk it's a bit fucking lazy isn't it give everyone one not that many people not that many people turn it under isn't like she's inundated with hundred birthdays

give al pacino his fucking hundredth birthday letter. You fucking tight bitch. He'll just text them. Have you seen this dog that's just turned 30? What? World record. In fact, it might be 31. A dog, it was born

the same year as us. Small dog. Not necessarily. Nah, them big ones don't last. It's not a big boy, but it's like... Those big fucking... They're gone. Pray last. It's not a big boy, but it's like... Those big fucking...

They're gone. Pray God. It's in like Guatemala or something. Oh, it's the... Why is it small ones that live longer? Surely like the... They just dodge things quicker. The big ones are like...

It's like tall people don't live as long, do they? Yeah. Also the big ones get banged out. The big ones get banged out just for being fucking massive. You have to be in the middle. Small people don't live long. Apparently. And tall,

like really tall people don't live long. Short kings live, live a good life, mate. If you're around 5'8", 5'9", you're doing... No, that's not short, is it? That's like in the middle.

Slightly below average. Yeah. I had therapy yesterday. What's the score? Well, she said something to me, about me, that I thought I'd run past both of you because I thought it was quite interesting. Now, did she say it when your dick was out of her mouth or in?

Don't say that about this lovely woman who's helping me. All right, sorry. I want to say this is flattering to Adam. I think it was in. Don't say that about this lovely woman who's helping me. Alright, sorry. I want to say this is flattering to Adam. Ooh, I think it was in. I don't know what it is. Flattering is just an observation she's made. Go. She thinks I'm too humble. Stop

fucking her, please. She doesn't know who you are then. I'm being honest with her and she thinks I'm too humble. She went, she is wrong. If this fucking idiot starts talking about golf, this podcast is in dire straits, mate. Do you know what?

I think you're too humble and don't talk about golf enough. Go on. She's just wrong. She doesn't know you? She does know me. She knows more about me than you two do. I've told her loads. You've curated it then.

She said, whenever I sort of bring up any of my achievements, I always precursor it with stuff that sort of plays it down and that's a sign of being humble and I don't want to show off how good I am at stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how your social media comes across to me yeah well i said to her on social media it's a bit more sort of loud and she was like yeah but you've got to do that for work

like well from speaking to you in person i think you need to be um more confident not confident she knows i'm confident she just thinks i'm humble. This is the new Adam. I am so great. I am so great. I'm not telling- Everybody loves me. What's the antonym of humble? Is it arrogant? Yeah. But that's a negative, isn't it?

You need to be less humble. Yeah. But does that mean more arrogant? She thinks I'm shy about my abilities. Wow. That's new. God, because you've been so honest with her. I don't think you've ever been honest with us. She thinks I'm shy about my abilities. Wow. That's Nick, yeah. God, because you've been so honest with her,

I don't think you've ever been honest with us. It's just not what you've projected, young Rel. Finn's speechless. Finn gobsmacked. He nearly dropped the dick in his hand. And that's not like him. Yeah, so something for you two to think about. Maybe you've been wrong all along, and I'm right no you know we are right i can't can you can we come yeah we're just gonna sit on the side and

go uh this is an amendment to what he's just said constant var hang on um i'd like to book in with this woman because I've... She sounds great. Confidence booster. Do you know what? You're not as bald as you've been making out. Let's have a look at that dick. 4.1's enough.

10 speeders. Is she just a confidence coach? No. And you've accidentally booked her? No, she's a therapist. She's looking at why I act the way I act and she thinks you know

I'm too shy about my abilities and my ferocious intelligence did she use the word ferocious she did yeah she's fucking

killing me let us come to one we won't speak is anyone else getting a rash do you ever get stress hives Let us come to one. We won't speak. Is anyone else getting a rash? Do you ever get stress hives?

So, buckle in, everyone. If you've been watching the podcast for all these years and thinking, God, Adam needs to just be more confident and tell everyone how good he is at stuff, then it's going to start now. It's going to start. She thinks I don't talk about my intelligence and my achievements enough around especially you guys because I don't talk about my intelligence and my achievements enough around, especially you guys,

because I don't want to make you guys feel bad about not being as good as me. You've told her about your maths in school though, surely? Yeah? Yeah. So she knows that, definitely. I'm going to fucking punch her. She needs punching.

To be honest, Dan, you don't punch enough people. Again. Yeah. to be honest Dan you don't punch enough people again yeah she's like I'm worried about talking about how good I am at stuff in case it makes other people feel bad about how shit

their lives are that's a paraphrasing be your true self then okay cool go on I think she's gonna make a lot of money

as a therapist is she new yeah she's just started she's going to make a lot of money as a therapist. Is she new? Yeah, she knows how to get you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone just comes away from therapy going, do you know what? Turns out I'm fucking Brill. Is that good?

She's going to be a nightmare if she does couples therapy. You're both great. We'll see what the problem is. Well, you know. I can't wait to see the real you then. She is worried that I use humour as a defence. Isn't that all comics? No shit!

Where did she pull that out from? The first 11 seconds. You're a comedian. Well, I think you use humour for different things. Earnings. Confidence. That's a lot of comedians anyway. Yeah.

I just said I find it easier to deal with stuff if I just make it funny straight away. She's like, yeah, but you know, it's good to be sad. And I was like, it isn't though, is it? She's like, it's useful. I was like, yeah, it's useful, but it's not good. Like you don't enjoy being sad. She's like, yeah, but there's value to being sad

and staying in the sadness rather than making it funny straight away. And I was like, yeah. Because you just do'd do it you'd laugh forever then you die and you've never been sad really lean into the sad yeah but you didn't analyze it it doesn't go anywhere is the um lean into being sad do 20 minutes at hot water sad lean into it i think they'd love it it's the analogy hughes right she was like if a sadness is like a load of hot like boiling up water you dip your toe in it and you go oh i don't like that so you come away from it but then that water stays boiling off whereas if you just get in it then it'll slowly become

burn juni wow sorry if you dip your toe into boiling water you go wow that's boiling water boiling water i've badly burnt and scalded my toe and and and it'll stay boiling like boiling water does forever you know because it's a geezer or you could get in it and fucking die like a lobster, you know? And then you're a sad dead lobster. Have you thought about that, Adam? Also, second point, I think you're working too much on your fuck technique.

That is it. Your fuck technique is like boiling water. You pour it on your crotch, you scold your dick. What about pour it everywhere on a lady's labia labia that is a bad analogy it's a great analogy

it's a great analogy and Adam's like yes yeah I'm gonna remember all of that I miss out a few key bits and make you sound special

yeah yeah life is like boiling water if you you know if you throw it on someone, that's illegal. Don't throw life onto someone. But if you let it cool down until it's tepid

and then stick your toe and your dick in, you're not a lobster. Do you know what I mean? That's 45 quid, yeah. PayPal me. See you later. You're great. Just getting that cheers off me

this is her first you're her first client she's very experienced actually award winning she won therapist of the year is it on a mug

is that is that got in it for a birthday I won that oh my god I can't I can't

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I my god I can't believe I was there I was at the therapy awards who wasn't I love it I've got tickets for next year Joe Dan's won world's greatest dad

as well oh my god top five that's a shit mug to get world's top five dad means your fifth try harder this year

yeah madness I avoid the sadness I saw a tiktok about it yesterday it's bad for you and I'm like but I'm not sad so that's good innit no

it is like if there's like a sad video like a dog I won't watch it oh I do no why there's a video I watch I might have told you about this before

sort of maybe like four times a year the wedding one the wedding one butterfly kisses Why? There's a video I watch. I might have told you about this before. Sort of, maybe like four times a year. The wedding one? The wedding one. Butterfly kisses. You watched it before therapy? What are you laughing at? What's butterfly kisses?

Oh, you're on fine form today, Ro. There's a woman, right? And she's getting married, as they do, you know? Fucking women are always getting married, aren't they? Idiot. More for you. And her brother's doing, like, an intro to the first dance. And he goes, look, as some of you might have noticed,

my dad's dead. Not here. Noticed? Subtle. Is he there? Subtle. He goes, like, some of you might have noticed that we're missing someone today. Oh, right. It's because he's dead not here noticed subtle is he there subtle he goes like some of you might have noticed that we're missing someone today

oh right it's because he's dead we didn't tell you about it when it happened we kept it quiet we buried the body it was 12 years ago a lot of people

have been asking where's Graham we've never told anyone but we waited till today and now there's an empty seat we've still paid for the meal. That was a bad decision. And he says,

you know, my sister who's been, the one who's getting married there, she loves this song and this was our other sister's first dance at her wedding that she danced with me

and I'll tell her too. But today, obviously, she can't dance with me and I'll tell her, but I sing so i have recorded myself singing this song and then they play his version of it and several of them like a brother then like an uncle and a granddad they all dance for her and she's just crying the entire time

it's dead sad and i watched that about four times a year. Sounds funny. How do they... How do they all... All at the same time, they dance. Oh, right. I thought it was like Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses. Like the Hokey-Kokey, yeah. We all fall down.

Oh, shit. That was like Graham. It's beautiful. I avoid sadness. No videos. I just watch her because it makes me happy. Oh, you've got to listen.

Sadness on a hangover is great. Oh, you full lean in, don't've got to listen sadness on a hangover is great oh you lean you've you full lean in oh sadness i went to a funeral yesterday so i got sad yeah it's good it's as good as a funeral could go yeah it was another humanist service oh i go the other way on a funeral i laugh it up i enjoy it that's genuinely that's when i block out sadness i think i've got a uh it's like a almost a protective instinct to be like i can't get into this because it's it's too much i don't ignore sadness there's moments when i let myself think about sad stuff i don't want to be one of them people that's just tuned up and like everything's fine everything's fine because i think that's actually more

unhealthy but there's something happens triggers me in funerals where I just find it absurd more than I do sad. I end up focusing on people doing fake. And a humanist minister like me. I just, I don't find that sad. I didn't find it sad, but it was where we did it dad, four years ago. So you're sad about the memory of that.

I genuinely wasn't sad about being in the funeral. It was a nan who passed and obviously that's sad. But all I can think about was a dad and I was like, oh, this is- Yeah, maybe I've just been to some fucking old people's, the last few funerals I've been, it's been old people where you're like, you were done. No, yeah, same. You were done.

I was like, oh, I was here four years ago for something. That's one of the worst days of my life. That made me sad. Yeah. And I kind of, not like bathed in it, but I was like okay I'm in the sadness and I'm just going to be sad

for like a couple of hours and I was okay with it Laura said this to me the other day I cry at films a lot and she was like but you don't cry in real life I'm the same and that is defo

a comedian defence thing I just know it is and I've thought this for ages like the moment in Click where he sees his dad for the last time. No. No, it's different for me. It's Click, but it's a different...

Oh, I cried at that the first time. Right? The moment where he sees his dad for the last time and he pauses it and he goes and gives his dad a little kiss on the cheek and his dad walks away crying and neither of them know that was going to be the last time they see each other.

Kills me. And then I got told my mum was dead and I was like, cool. What are we doing? There's a party. There's a funeral. Yeah. I was in got told my mum was dead and I was like, cool, what are we doing? There's a party, there's a funeral. Yeah. I was in shock at my mum's funeral. Definitely.

I remember smiling. Just in shock. And I have a weird response. Like, I can't remember crying at a funeral. Yeah, me neither. But, um... I cried at your mum's. Did you?

Yeah. Is it because you were detached from it? I suppose you weren't you're pretty close to it i barely knew his mum oh right you don't even matter once like so briefly kissed her no oh it's always behind yeah yeah yeah um that's that's a fucked up i think it would be healthier to be like oh i'm at a funeral this is dead sad well i feel sad but i i think that's a weird maybe a trauma response thing if we're talking fucked up childhoods where you're like no no and then i'm literally i feel it in my head i can feel like me draining the tears and just keeping them in

my head you fucking meet joe black it's weeping weeping god that film got me i i know the bit where he talks in a Jamaican patois yeah I mean that's just one of the funniest things in the history of cinema no I see it there you're going to sleep

no don't worry about it Joe Black I think is possibly in the bottom three films I've ever seen oh my god I've never seen it

it's wet but I need to watch it because you'll you will 100% agree with me it is because I expected

it to be really what yeah Anthony Hopkins one of his only stinkers then surely I don't think I'm throwing it out there

I can see why people don't love it I don't think it's an out and out stinker it's horrific where's the Space Jam 2 it's in the bottom

three with a it gets relegated same season it's the lead to Space Jam 2 South It's in the bottom three, really. It gets relegated same season. It's the lead to Space Jam 2 Southampton. Southampton, yeah. That's my favourite.

Watch your criers. Watch your criers. Miracle on 34th Street with Richard Attenborough when the deaf girl comes over and she's like, the mum's like,

she's deaf. She just wants to meet you. And he goes, oh, and then signs and her face lights up every time I'm crying. Side just wants to meet you. And he goes, oh, and then signs. And her face lights up every time I'm crying. Side note, we all come back to your question, but you know, I've thought of something

and we need to talk about it. Have you seen the fella who stands on Church Street in Liverpool in town? This is absolutely deserving of a screech, isn't it? No. No? Is it not a screech? Because it felt screechy.

Listen. All right, cool. Okay. He does sign language. Oh, yeah. So he plays a song and then he signs and then he's got a book

he collected for deaf people. Right? So he's not singing. He's doing sign language music. But here's the thing. Right? Here's the thing. We've said this.

Have we? We've spoke about it. So he could just be doing anything. Yeah. Because he could be doing any song doesn't have to match the one that's on because the people

who can read it can't hear the music yeah and the people who can hear the music don't know what his hands are doing yeah and he might not even be in tune

he could literally just be you know deaf people might love him though because he might be signing look at all these stupid fucking pricks what what he said he might not even be in tune might be signing, look at all these stupid fucking pricks. What?

What? He said he might not even be in tune. I think it was a throwaway. He could be doing anything. He could be literally going, yeah, he could be going, hey,

you're deaf, but all these are fucking knobheads. Yeah. Ah. It's animals. Stick a quid in there for us. Have any of you ever watched Marley and Me once? If you're a dog owner owner I know it's a proper cliched one but

that got me Up as well Up doesn't do it for me it's a cartoon I can't get involved no no but still put yourself in that situation isn't it

that's what makes you cry you're not crying because you stopped drawing the woman oh man cartoons don't get me I like watching them but they don't make me sad

and can't tell I don't know why I like watching them But they don't make me sad Encanto I don't know why that got me Got it Got me What else? Daddy was Etta was like Daddy you've got feelings

I was like I have Fucking Rough Wasn't that bad I haven't seen it But I enjoy it I think Sophie's

Choice would get me You know what Sophie's Choice is? Which is in the bakery What? What? What's Sophie's choice? The is in the bakery what what what's sophie's choice the more master decide which daughter dies oh yeah you thought it was the greg's the greg's biopic

yeah i haven't seen it but i think what she does is she can't picture she just says take both of them right what take them where dead oh all right cool so that's one of your top picks for saddest films I'm not seeing it but sounds really bad also Titanic not seen it

but loads of people die and I like boats so imagine that's a real tearjerker it's not sad at all Titanic because it's real it's too cheesy

I think that's Meet Joe Black is so cheesy that you can watch you need to watch Meet Joe Black before the next episode so that we can talk about it.

Because it's stupid. Also, Brad Pitt speaking to the Jamaican grandma is in Rastafari. Everything grand me irie. Oh, bad man. You as a bad man. Because she knows he's deaf. No, what you come for me, bad man?

And he's like, no, sister. Everything going to be iried. I'll watch it. And no one bad man. And he's like, no, sister. Everything's going to be iried. I'll watch it. And no one's laughing. It's fucking great. Do you watch our films on purpose? I'm drawing a blank on films I get sad and cry about. I'm trying to get them out of you guys.

What are our... Right, haveawoodpod at gmail.com. Your best criers. For next time, Rose hungover. And I, by the way, I totally agree. Lean in. Let criers. For the next time, Rose hung over. And I, by the way, I totally agree. Lean in.

Let it happen. Because if you can't cry at funerals. The vow. The vow? The vow. Have you seen The Vow? No. True story as well.

So there's a couple come out to cinema and see a film. And they get in the car and they're driving, right? And they get to a traffic light. And she's like, do you know what? I'm going to fucking suck your dick.

So she takes her seatbelt off and goes to nosh him off. And at that moment, a truck hits the back of their car. Shit. She goes flying out the windscreen. With his cock in her mouth. Oh no.

They haven't quite got it. Whoa. Oh, me cock. And Jill. When she wakes up, her husband is at the end of her hospital bed and she calls him doctor because she doesn't remember him.

Because basically, like the last 12 years of her memory is gone. Or like the last few years, I don't know how long it is. So she doesn't remember him. We're doing Scal synopsis by accident. I don't know. Sophie's choice.

Scott's choice. But she can't make up her mind. Fucked. Kills him. Gone. So she's like, I don't remember this. So she,

there's loads of complications. Anyway, it's about like sort of her husband who's obviously still in love with his wife and they're the most in love couple you've ever seen.

But she doesn't remember him. And this is a true story. This happened. But she's like in her head still with her ex-boyfriend oh shit like it's

and it's so sad watching him like cope with it million dollar baby that's the vow million dollar baby million dollar baby that's the sequel

to Sophie's Choice that's when she sells one of them it's a boxing it's the alternative ending Sophie's Choice oh shit

Signs by M. Night Shalom man have you seen Signs Justin Timberlake with Joaquin Phoenix and Mel Gibson

where the kids just leave have you not seen Signs bruv have you not seen Signs no oh my god oh my days

what are Signs innit Signs at the end. Swing. Oh shit, that'll get me. Forrest Gump. What's her name? Jenny.

Jenny. Jenny. She's a bitch, isn't she? Jenny. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Is that your therapist again? Life is like a box of chocolates. You stick your boiling water in the box of chocolates, they're going to get. Is that your therapist again? Life is like a box of chocolates.

You stick your boiling water in the box of chocolates, they're going to melt. But you don't put them in the... They're going to be tasty. £45, please. Let's have a break. Sabfilms, haveawirdpod at gmail.com. I'd like to know how to cry.

Thank you. Phil, you got any questions? Phil got no question. All right, bad man. He's doing well, isn't he? He's checked out. I think he's having a bad day. The Comedians Club Chester is on Saturday the 10th of June.

Please come down. Scott Bennett, Rob Mulholland, Phil Ellis and me. ComediansclububChester.com for my comedy club in Chester. And my previews start this month. Wednesday, I think the 25th of June. I've got 20 tickets left in Northenden. The Thursday is sold out.

DansPreviews.com. I get to do my new hour, which I'm very excited about. You've done your hour. You did your run. I've done a hour. I don't think it's my new hour yet.'m very excited about you've done your hour you did your run i've done a hour i don't think it's my new hour yet no okay um there's a a bit that i haven't even started working on yet that i think is going to be 20 minutes um so you're building up to go long to to edit it down there's there's a couple of bits in the hour at the minute that audience is like

but i don't so i've either got to fix them or record them and release them or just get rid of them nice um but there's there's two bits i like i remember when i did that uh guest spot opening for shane gillis last year in london when we were backstage afterwards i was like that knew i was fucking great mate and he went oh he went it'll get there he went I think I've got like one bit finished he went but he said I was speaking to Louis CK about it and Louis's like you need four and ideally five for a great special even you can't just have a special that is pulled along by having one great bit he went if you want the special to be great, five of them have to be great.

And you've got one at the minute. That's the standard that Louis CK hits. Shane Gillis can, you can. There's two bits in the current hour where I'm like, they could become great. And the other bit I've got an idea for that I'm going to be working very... That will be great, that bit. You told me that. Yeah. Yeah, that'll be good. You'll like an idea for that I'm going to be working very that will be great that bit

you told me that yeah that'll be good you'll like that as well I'm not yeah I think I told them the Jack Aranda the idea for it

but if I can get three where I'm like okay and then I think the fourth will come from somewhere or an edit of

what is currently in the show then we'll be looking good I've been gigging a lot. I've been doing a lot of sets and I am ready to start doing hours. I've got two a week all through the summer. Newcastle Underline, Runcorn and Phase One

have got some tickets left. The rest are selling out and I am dead chuffed about that, but I cannot wait to just run out the hour it's it's uh this time last year I remember when I first did my previews you said to me you're enjoying doing the full show and it's a different feeling when you get to just it feels like you you get to just unfurl the wings a bit like I went down to do new new material at hot water last week and they were like yeah it's 10 she's cool it's useful but it's not enough useful no um i'm a hot water all week uh this week i'm not there tonight weirdly um but thursday friday saturday two shows a night

that'll help last night i did a gig for aaron wood in manchester city center at a place called disorder there's only like 20 odd people there. Good? Well worth doing. Oh, right, great. And Aaron was like, because he'd asked me to pass on to you that it was a good gig,

but he said to me, do 20, do 30, and if you want to do more, do whatever you want. I must have done 35, 40 last night. And they didn't get bored. They were happy and they were there. All right, shit, I might jump on there.

Aaron Wood of the Spread Negativity podcast. Yes. That he does with Liam Tuffy. Liam Tuffy. Liam Tuffy's day. Tuffers. So, shall we do a speed round? Shall we do a speed round?

Yes, Finn. Talk about your boyfriend, mate. Finn. I've got control of the prep and the buttons. Watch me fuck it up. Cam Alto says, Hi, Lids. What are your thoughts on James Acaster's new music venture?

I don't know he's got one. Yeah, he does dubstep. This is a famous thing. I don't know about James Acaster's thing. I just assume you're well tuned up more than me on this. I haven't got a clue. That's when Finn lost the pack, isn't it?

Cam. Oh, shit. Speed round. We're going to research that, Cam, and then come back to your question. God, I miss Finn. Finn, why aren't you doing this prick by the way for the audio listeners finn's just being really quiet

you're gonna move um sean griffiths says wag wag lids i was listening to a podcast recently where they were talking about soy being widely known as a food for the weak. Yeah. And unmasculine. Soy boys. Are there any foods that you would not eat in fear of people thinking you're a pussy,

a nonce, or a serial killer, et cetera? That's from Sean O'Griffo. Griffey. Yeah, they're known as soy boys. What? I've never heard. Just an internet meme where these soy boys is like... I hate people, you know?

Yeah. Like, just shut up I'll eat what I want I probably wouldn't eat a pear because I think you look like a twat just have an apple pear pear's a boss

just have an apple pear's a what's the difference fruit they're not so hardy yeah they taste so different what about a plum

would you rather have an apple I don't like plums is there any fruit that you're against? Nectarine? Pretentious fruit. Like a kumquat. I don't even know

what that is, but I just feel... It sounds like a gym move, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 10 kumquats, 10 J-star jumps, and then you can go home.

It sounds like a slur, doesn't it? It's the PT, isn't it? It's a proper kumquat. No, I just... I don't eat pears because I just think it's too close to the apple. And I can't be arsed.

Like, I'm going to have one of them. I'll just have an apple. I don't trust grapefruit. Just a fucking big fucking orange. Satsumas, just shit oranges. Get an orange. I like any of the oranges. Oranges, tangerines, satsumas. Clementine? I like any of the oranges oranges tangerines

satumas clementine yeah any of them they're all nice a nectarine do you like a nectarine can't remember

a fancy plum I don't like plums I love plums I don't know if I'd feel totally comfortable as a 42 year old man I think having a candy floss like just standing there having a candy floss like just standing there

that's not fruit eating a candy floss have you ever had candy floss grapes I know it's not fruit the question is what food oh

it wasn't just fruit candy floss grapes are good though yeah but I mean do you know what I mean I feel like there is an age limit where you do look like

a paedophile if you are stored just eating a candy floss it depends where you are if you're at a fun fair then you can just be stood there with a candy floss that's fine at a funeral if you are stored just eating a candy floss it depends where you are if you had a fun fair then you can just be stood there with a candy floss that's fine

at a funeral if you had a funeral then it looks mental doesn't it this is how I grieve through candy floss have you gone to a fun fair I went to a fun fair yesterday I got a hot dog

is that in your diary for school what do you do on the weekend don't this isn't funny look at his face there's a fun fair at Crosby Marina my therapist said

I should go to more fun fairs because I've been very shy about amusements and fun fairs. So fuck you. You look like a paedophile if you drink a glass of water in the street. Where have you got that from? Have you ever seen someone drinking a glass of water? Just walk around with a glass

that they've brought from the house on for a walk. You'd be worried, wouldn't you? You'd pull that out closer to you. If you ordered milk, just a glass of milk anywhere, I just don't, I don't know what's going on there. I wouldn't order it somewhere,

but I'll do like a glass of milk. Publicly? No. No, yeah, yeah. Looks murdery, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it does. What else is there? Dates?

There for pedophiles. What are dates just like shit prunes alright yeah yeah I need them for there's a couple of lads I get a lot of TikToks from

and they did a would you rather and I want to run it pastures I think it would provoke good conversation speed round

keep it outside the pot in pod production there go would you rather right we shouted it this is a Go. Would you rather... Right? We shouted it. This is a serious one.

Would you rather get given 100 grand right now or get given 100 million? But with the 100 million, I give you a marble. And if you ever lose that marble, you die. 100 million.

100 million, I put it in me foreskin. The money? Yeah. I put the marble my foreskin the money yeah I think I put the marble what is it 100 grand yeah

in my parka no questions asked can it go straight can I get a backs transfer I just feel like it's going to be annoying having to put that much money in the bank

right yeah yeah or 100 mil but you can never lose a marble or you'll die the second that marble is not on your person like you're in the shower you've got hold of the marble

no you've rambled up your arse oh gone i'm gone right you can't lose the marble you've got to have it on your person this is different this is totally i thought you were giving me a marble you know like your fucking your log book for your car and i could just put it in the drawer no no on your person at all times so easy night out you're on the charlie you're having a fucking bevy you know what I mean

big line bit of pot you've got the marble he's lost his marble I get a third sack made in my testicles with 100ml and I just put it in there

so what happens when you put you know put under anaesthetic to get your new ball bag sewed in where are you putting your marble

up my arse yeah what if it disappears up there that happens then you're sorted forever aren't you yeah but you might shit it out what if

you wouldn't know that's a bad shit well you would because you'd die instantly I'd sew it into my body somewhere 100 mil is so much different to 100k

it's like calls it calls's into the marble going somewhere I'm gonna have to I wanna take the 100 million but there's no fucking way why it's instant death you wouldn't even know

you're just living a boss life and you're dying got a two year old be like daddy daddy marble and I'm dead you killed your dad

nice one he's like, oh my God. Yeah, but he's inherited loads of money. There's the money that's made as well. I don't think two-year-olds

think like that, you know. Oh my God, my daddy's dead but I'm very rich now. I've got to think about inheritance tax. That's how he talks about it.

You've never met him. What are you, are you taking the marble? I'm taking the underground. Oh, yous are weird. I'm that weird? Are you, yous have got that?'ve never met him. What are you, are you taking the marble? I'm taking the underground. Oh, yous are weird. I'm not weird. Are you,

yous have got that? Have you met him? Have you never met him before? He'd, he'd be dead in 20 minutes. Where's that marble? Lad? Is he with some money yet

and he's dead? The check wouldn't have cleared. I'd have lost it. You're joking, aren't you? I've never lost a phone though I have never had to have a phone

on your person at all times though but I do yeah it's a bit when's your phone never not next to you on the beach in the water in the water

oh you'd never be able to go in the sea again which you don't mind but I love oh no you can't get you out to sea 100 mil or never go in the sea again you've got a hundred million pounds not beds not beds a hundred million pounds

how long before you are you're at the seaside you're on holiday i just won't go within a week i just go to the pool i mean i i'm taking 100 grand because I'm a liability but your argument here is a waste of time the sea or 100 mil or 100 million I am missing a few

public episodes I'll have a pinot carlada yeah but you just don't go in the sea Dan yeah dead easy torture

100 grand by the way this is how much I love the sea I'm scared of all those horrible pedophilic floating cunts fucking

I nearly said sea horses don't trust them don't trust them where have you fucking wandered off from why is the man having babies what

yeah exactly hermaphrodite weirdos yeah they're not hermaphrodites sorry the male sea horses

haven't got a pussy have they how do they make themselves pregnant then they they just they swallow No, hermaphrodites. Sorry. The male seahorses haven't got a pussy. Have they? How did they make themselves pregnant then? They just swallow. They have the baby, don't they? They swallow. I thought it was just one of them.

I don't know what a hermaphrodite is. It's menopause. Hermaphrodites is pussy and cock together. Listen, they're in the ballpark. They're in the hermaphrodite ballpark. They are. Where's that? In and around. It's in the water. With the jellyfish. Horrible.park they are where's that in and around it's in the water with the jellyfish

horrible sharks it's the old Charlie jokes the hermaphrodite ballpark it's specifically for hermaphrodites by the way

as the weather is heating up we have approached oh no oh no order order there's been

some nice days so if you live near a quarry... We have approached that time of the year where you all think I'm joking. Please be careful near open bodies of water. Please. Yeah, because you'll get eaten by a hermaphrodite. Within the next month, we will hear

of a teenager. Oh, he jumped in, you know. If only he'd listened to have a word. You know, his pogs fell in. His pogs? His pogs fell in and stuff. His pogs? His pogs fell in and he thought, I want to get in there. And he died. Oh no. And six men jumped in to save him and they all died. Now there's seven people

dead. Just don't get in the water. Be careful. Six men. Six men jumped in. Loads of pogs. The whole village people. You think I'm joking, but it works. Because I say it that much and joke about it it spreads

please be careful Neil I think you're undermining your own message by doing it on here because we're it's just like lol sensual isn't it no because they're laughing

when they're near the water like car set he's the funniest one on them podcasts and that thing he does that thing he does when he fucking warns everyone about bodies of water

that's so funny because he does it dead dry and that's why I'm going fucking kayaking with no one else. Kayaking's fine. You've got a flotation. On your own? In a quarry?

Jesus Christ, Carl. Grow up. Just think. Are you going to get in the sea when we're in Tenerife? Not with me marble. Get in the sea as in I walk into the sea? No.

Like if we go out on a catamaran if we go I was on a catamaran watching whales have you booked a catamaran do you know what a catamaran is if we all put I was on a catamaran before if we all put 150 quid in

say there was a thousand pound pot and I got everyone a marble who on that holiday would have the marble the longest we're going to Tenerife we're going on a lads holiday you're out

Finn's gone you'd get competitive it's like a marble each but we all have to put 100 quid in we have to put 100 quid there's 7 people going on the holiday

it's like the thing we did with the ducks isn't it we did with the ducks in Nashville is it 6 people going on holiday we're playing the marble game

this is great 100 quid in we get a marble each Nashville. Is there six people going on holiday? Oh, we're playing the marble game. This is great. 100 quid in. We get a marble each. I've genuinely got some marbles. Yeah, but you just put it in your room, wouldn't you? No, because you have to do a marble check at any point on the holiday. If someone goes and shows you a marble.

Marble check! And you have to get your marble check out. Right, okay. Cool. No, we all get one marble check a day. A day, yeah. Great rule. Great, great. So you can't just be doing that every 15 minutes. So, okay. Cool. No, we all get one marble check a day. A day, yeah. Great rule. Great, great.

So you can't just be doing that every 15 minutes. So if you've both marble checked, I could put mine in my room then. If it was on your street. Clever. Because then you can't marble check me for the rest of the day. Clever.

Oh. Clever. Oh. So who's the cunt that's marble checking at 1am? Me. Yeah, it is Carl. Because I'd forget. Yeah, but then also

like you don't want to risk that because then if you do it if you leave it thinking I'm going to do it at night and I check your first thing in the morning

you haven't got it yeah well get ready for me wearing a bum bag at all times on this holiday I'll put it in my bum bag

bum bag's my nickname for Carl's mart that's what I meant she come in yeah yeah yeah she hasn't mentioned it oh no I've put her on

little treat she deserves it I mean she does after what she's been through with me she doesn't need a seat she's my bum bag I'm gonna check her

oh god just saying do you know what I'm such a pussy he does this banner all the time and when I do it I'm like

god I've met her she's a wonderful woman. Let's go to the reservoir. And Carl's brother's fucking nailed. Let's go to the reservoir, boys. Just think. I've saved lives with this. Defo.

Saved? You've saved them? Yeah. I have. I've not stopped them dying. As in, if they're dying, I haven't saved them. But I've definitely stopped people jumping in and dying. Just stop jumping in and dying.

It's all about you, isn't it? Yeah. Just be careful. Young man. Marble game. I'm getting some marbles. Right? Cool.

We're playing. What if we go down the quarry together? In Tenerife? In Tenerife. We are, but that's booked in. That's after the carton. Oh my God.

Carton and I'm quarrying. Oh my God. I've dropped me marble into that open body of water leave it with your pogs it's not worth it a couple of would you rathers

as Adam has started the ball rolling speed round Stephen Elliot says would you rather have to dress like a beefeater for a whole month of the year you choose the month

or spend that month wearing a wig that the other lads choose for you a bottle of gin so you've got to go full tower of london beef eater for a whole month or a wig or a wig for that whole month oh they're wearing a wig aren't they so it's just wig plus more no you just look like you're on a

stag do with the beef eater outfit i haven't got the big stag do what's like two have you been on where everyone's just as beefy this is what you're talking about there must have been you look much more like you're on a stag do if you've got a you're talking about there must have been you look much more like you're on a stag do if you've got a wig on I think there must have been a stag do a beef eater stag do

at some point probably a papatory nonce one yeah yeah not a great one don't they wear the big hats though yeah well that's more stupid

than a wig in itself and you've got the rest I'm taking the wig yeah because I'd like I wouldn't mind people being like oh Adam Rose

and he's got a wig on rather than why is Adam Rose dressed as a beef eater? Fucking stupid question. They're all stupid. Finn is so much better at this, bro. That's great.

That's why he does it. Do you reckon, Finn? Yeah. Fucking mother. What month would you choose? What was the month, bro? You can choose the month. Where to wear the wig?

Yeah. January. For me, birthday. Dry to wear a wig yeah January January for me birthday dry January with a wig we don't know when in the summer because you get an arson of on seizure

and Christmas is too big yeah too big for a wig yeah February maybe no that's my birthday you know I want a wig for my birthday

Stephen Elliot says we've doubled up on Stephen Elliot Stephen Elliot loves the would you he's the only thing that's keeping it going that and adam watching other people's fucking tiktoks would you rather be a prop comic you can't do any joke without a prop for a year or work as a living au pair for boris johnson for a whole summer three months you've got to be a prop

comic for a year you literally cannot do a bit of material without a prop. Isn't the second one just like ammo for life material though? Yeah, I'd wear it as the au pair for Boris Johnson, joking, aren't you? I'd be teaching the kids like fucking socialist ideals and everything. You big dirty boy. I think you should spread the wealth.

Ridiculous. I'd also be like poisoning Boris Johnson's food and stuff. Not like to kill him, but to make him ill. Oh, long game it. Just like oven fucking Johnson's food and stuff not like to kill him but to make a meal oh long game it just like oven fucking raw chicken breasts all over his like freshly made dinner

and I enjoy your stomach bug you fat cunt what's the scouse au pair doing here the dinner again the scouse au pair's a bit weird what did he say

nothing yeah that scouse au pair's weird um keeps rubbing raw chicken on the food the chef's fuming. He's like, lad, fuck off. I won't tell them or show them.

All right. I've distracted the chef. Talk me through it. Have you seen that farmer's market that's outside? You might want to go and get some ingredients. I'll finish up in here. Go on. Go on, John.

Go on, I'm loud, son. There's a mobile farmer's market. Yeah, no, there isn't. There's a light in it. Whoa, what's over there? I can't see it. No, keep going. Oh, just do what? Wow, what's that? Yeah, no, there isn't. There's a lion. Whoa, what's over there? I can't see it. No, keep going. Oh, just do what?

Wow, what's that? Whoa, what's that? Rubbing chicken. Fucking space battles happening outside. The au pair's weird though, mum. He just, he has chicken on him

all the time. He smells like chicken. In his pockets. And they'd be like, where the fuck have you been? Be like, I went to get some sinks. And then I remember

we had yelpsums. What was that a reference from? What's it always a reference from? Is it two pints? Yeah. Yeah. I had to go, that though,

rub chicken on his stuff, tell his kids to give them Indoctrinate his children into communism. Three months. Three months. Busy summer. Yeah. Busy summer. I just want to go in a paddling pool. Never mind that. stuff tell us kids to give indoctrinate his children into communism three months three months busy summer yeah busy summer i just want to go in a paddling pool never mind that let's learn about marx underrated overrated oh shit underrated overrated oh excited i'm really excited

smooth there we go. Yeah, it is. That's why. Francisco. Cool music. Yellow. Underrated. They hit you with a shovel. Fuck you. Callum Ward says, all right, Lids, overrated or underrated chips with an Indian curry? Totally underrated.

I like a chip with a curry. Totally and utterly underrated, especially by the people who claim to have invented this food. Yeah. South Asians. Do you feel judged by them? I think they don't.

Indians, I don't think they really give a fuck. They're making money off you. That's why they sell you all the chips. But like Ishan and his boys are always like, oh, you can't be having chips with a curry. And I'm like,

shut the fuck up. Chips improve everything. I did a little stand up bit about this for that documentary. Chips improve everything. Fact. There isn't a lot of meals that I don't want chips with.

Yeah. I'll be honest. French fries, but my favourite. No, I'm a home chip, mate. I love a... It depends on the day of the week for me. I do like a French fry,

but I'm a home chip guy. Brad Stockley says, under-rate, over-rate, flavoured gin? It's over-rated, but it's good. That rhubarb. Yeah, the rhubarb one's fantastic. Pink isn't a flavour. Women., but it's good. That rhubarb. Yeah, the rhubarb one's fantastic.

Pink isn't a flavour. Women. Oh, pink's terrible. Pink gin's horrible. It tastes like flowers. I don't like it. But the Whitley Neal-flavoured one. Whitley Neal's are good.

The rhubarb one, the raspberry one, the quince one. You don't like pear, though? I didn't say I don't like pear. I'd just rather have an apple. I just think it's, yeah, like, I just think you don't like a bit'd just rather have an apple I just think it's yeah like I just think you look like

a bit of a cunt while you're having a pear do you know what I mean when there's apples like you don't know do you know there's apples no oh my god

yeah I'm eating pears I think flavoured vodka is a bit shit no I like a flavoured vodka I think I don't like I don't drink it

but I did drink it no vanilla vodka is better than normal vodka yeah fact oh yeah I'll give you that but then I think that's the only one

we went to Revolution last year we went for some beers me and Antonio and Rummy from the the comedians club and

we were just passing Revolution I was like we should go in because I sometimes love a shit pub and they were like you know in like for any foreign listeners by the way we were just passing Revolution. I was like, we should go in because I sometimes love a shit pub. And they were like, you know,

and they're like, for any foreign listeners, by the way, Revolution is the name of a vodka bar. It's a, it's a chain of bars. It wasn't just passing like a, a revolution. Like it wasn't like

they were trying to overthrow the government and Dan was like, Boris Johnson's kids. Hang him down. Fuck the patriarchy. Um, I think, I think we got a little,

I think revolutions can be all right. I think most of it, it's like uncool now. You know what you're getting so there's nothing wrong with it. We got a rack, we got a rack of flavoured vodkas, you know,

and this used, 20 years ago, this was a thing. Oh my God, you get six for whatever. How much? I don't know, like a tenner or something.

Fuck me, they were all abysmal. They were so bad. And like, just rank. We did a bit of shot tasting in Nashville, didn't we? As you'll see in the upcoming special.

They were great. Was that bourbon? No, it wasn't, was it? Bourbon and moonshine. Moonshine and bourbon. Holy shit,

it was so much better than the rubbish and revolution. I got blathered in under five minutes. I went from sober to blathered. Yeah, because we hadn't had breakfast. Yeah, it was 11am. Half an hour in the morning.

Yeah. So good. They, so on the little route,. Yeah, it was 11am. About half an hour in the morning. Yeah. So good. So on the little route, you'll see it on the special, on the little route, the guy's obviously got a thing where he goes, we'll take you here and you get some free samples. And I don't know if you realise

that those guys were going to make $400 that day. Yeah. But we, three shots in, just started buying merch, memorabilia, row I'd like two. Did you get two bottles? Two bottles. I bought a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of moonshine.

They're both here. Yeah, and we all bought, like, shit. They made so much money off us. Still on Bradstock, Lee. Monopoly. Underrated, overrated. As in, like, getting control of several businesses or the board game?

Yeah, Monopoly's emergency he's talking about. Yeah. Monopoly, the board game. It just frustrates me annoys me I'm good at it but I don't like a game lasting that long

it's the number one cause of family drama in the world that and affairs yeah and do not combine the two that's awful

I buy Park Lane what with this I just honestly if someone goes we should have a game monopoly i've never thought about that but when you're playing board games there's no rules that you can't offer sexual favors instead of like in-game currency i mean if there's kids present it's going to be frowned about but there's some rules you shouldn't have to why would i be playing monopoly with kids no no children in the family? I wouldn't play Monopoly with them

because they won't respect the rules. He'd batter them. Right. That's the point. It'd be over in six minutes. It'd be a fun Uncle Adam. Should we play a ball game? Grow up.

Sexopoly would be good. Kiss partly, kiss a chew. Yeah. Christopher Blackwood says, this is going to go down like I know it's going to go down like I know it's going to go down Christopher

and I think it's why you messaged in got an overrated or underrated for all use British ice hockey do you know what it's so weird

because we talk about it a lot and it's great that someone's actually brought it up we've exhausted it Charlie I think it's just a bit too much sometimes I think it's overrated

Josh plays it because everyone loves it who? our barber Josh plays it. Because everyone loves it. Who? Our barber, Josh plays it. Which one's that? Ginger Josh? He cut your hair? Oh no, he cut your beard.

He fucking didn't, mate. I think some of our listeners just don't understand the concept of an underrated, overrated. It has to have a rating, doesn't it? For us to discuss it. It has to have like a known rating well you're not

you're not a fan of the Blackburn Hawks like it has to have like a like a consensus that we discuss whether that consensus is accurate

everyone has to have an opinion on it everybody whether it be good or bad British ice hockey is un un-clarified

there's no rating on it they don't even know it exists oh yeah it's massive I say a friend plays it they're putting on three four hundred is un... Unclarified. There's no rating on it. They don't even know it exists. Oh, yeah. It's massive. I say a friend plays it. They're putting on three, four hundred a fucking game.

No, it's Shaq. Daniel Rogers, last bit of underrated, overrated. Wag Wag Lids got an underrated, overrated, speed round,

American live audience sitcoms that I haven't heard you talk about loads. Frasier. I don't know how good British ice hockey is or what people think of it. It could be incredible. It's not. I don't know how good British ice hockey is or what people think of it. It could be incredible.

It's not. I've been to some games. Right. I mean, it was 1989 and, you know, and they were called the Black Hawks then and then they changed

the name to the Hawks. I don't think, I wonder who complained about that. I know. Like anyone thought, do you know what? That's really racist.

For us to have an opinion on something, to have it overrated or underrated, we have to know how it is rated and whether it is good or not. We have to have an opinion on something, to have it overrated or underrated, we have to know how it is rated and whether it is good or not. We have to have an opinion about it

and then we compare that with the general consensus and then if there are odds, we have to decide whether our opinion is higher or lower than the general consensus. That's where an overrated or underrated is and none of us know how good British ice hockey is apart from Super Danny, yeah. And we also don't know

what people think about it. So how could we possibly? What's the other one? Frasier. You all right? It's a good question. This is American live audience sitcoms that we haven't mentioned loads.

So Frasier. Good. It reminds me of getting up early in the winter for school. Yeah.. So Frasier. Good. It reminds me of getting up early in the winter for school. Yeah. I like Frasier. I thought it was, but it was rated.

He got $53 million for the last two seasons. That's a lot of money. That's friends money, that. Kelsey Grammer. Jesus. Isn't he Sarcho Bob as well? Yeah, he is.

He is, yeah. I'll wait to know. And where his career started. Cheers. I've never seen it. No. It was massive in its day. I'll wait till then. And where his career started. Cheers. I've never seen it. No. It was massive in its day and age. Where everybody knows your name.

That theme tune might be one of my favourite theme tunes, though. It's a fucking banger. Never watched it. I only know from the episode of Friends where Joey's missing home. Third Rock from the Sun. Never watched it. It was great. I thought it was really good.

Just call it Earth. Joey. I watched it all i never i watched all of them no i think i watched an episode or two and was like oh i watched i think there's two seasons was it bad uh no because it wasn't like it wasn't friends good but it wasn't it didn't diverge enough away from what it was in friends so it wasn't like this is awful it was still joey it's just in worse places worse scenes. So if you like Joey, you still liked it, but you weren't like, this is good.

It wasn't good. It flopped for a reason, eh? Yeah. Seinfeld. Never watched it. Never seen it. It's great. But I mean, it's rated.

It was the biggest thing on American TV for about 10 years. Big Bang Theory. So I liked it for a month and then realized I was being stupid. You only have to watch it without the laugh track on to realize how bad it is yeah it's actually weird how people rate it there's moments in it that are great it's the same joke on repeat i think if you were younger this is one of those ones where you know you love two pints and stuff i think if you were 10 15 years younger i just think it's i think people would be like yeah

it's what was on when i was like 12 and it was hilarious i just think if you get past the point with these things you're like i don't give a fuck i think it's the same i think what a big bang thing doesn't get credit for and it's because they haven't been overt with it is sheldon is quite clearly severely autistic and i think it's done quite a lot for people understanding how autistic people can behave it's got its own show now hasn't it

Young Sheldon yeah but it's like I think it shows that autistic people are not just being a dick for the sake of it in the first few series it's just like Sheldon's

being fucking annoying but I think in a lot of it and I haven't watched all of it but you sort of start to understand why his brain works the way it does and why he acts the way he does and I think it annoying but i think in a lot of it and i haven't watched all of it but you sort of start to understand why his brain works the way it does and why he acts the way he does and i think it adds an understanding to yeah it's definitely done that it's definitely helped uh and also

kelly kakoa or whatever name is he's fucking banging yeah gorgeous uh one bit of advice and then we'll uh call it a break this is from an anonymous lady hey up i need some guidance from you wise men of the world i've been divorced for a few years now it all dragged on and finally we agreed to move on nothing horrific just a bit of a tit glad to be rid of him here's the main thing since we've split up i found myself enjoying the milf roll maybe even a cougar and shagging younger men i've had enough of asthmatic 50 year olds i'm enjoying messing around with 30 and unders but Me too. teens this is all fine and above board what's my cutoff age-wise in the eyes of the king lids uh well we've discussed it before the international rule uh is half your age plus seven so if you're 40 ish then that's 27 and up on your sound but al pacino would tell you you could have a fucking

18 year old and there's no problem in fact if anything wait another 10 years and then fucking 18 year old what would schofield do also just think about who's receiving the blowjobs just think about who's getting the sex some fucking grateful 24 year old who's just got this horny milf turn up and be like do you know what i'm not looking for anything do you want to bang and p.s i know exactly how to do it i think when people are really young adults when they're like 18 and 19 it still is it's very icky even though it's legal and technically fine and then i'll tell someone about once someone is a grown once you can hire a van at 25 you can fuck anyone yeah yes totally if you can hire a van you are a consenting adult

and you can fuck anyone as high as you want mate if you can move your mate's couch you can fuck their mum people are like people are always

going to be a bit icked out by it because like an old man like Al Pacino and I love how this section's come full circle really Al Pacino having sex

with a 29 year old and getting her pregnant and whatever to anyone outside of that is going to like to a outside of that is going to like to a lot of people is going to be like

ugh like because it's the image and they're so far apart and their lives are so different and whatever but at the end of the day it's down to the two people who are doing it

and if that 29 year old wants some Pacino cock then it's up to her isn't it she can hire a van 29 years old is a

is a they're a real adult age thing? Grown-ass woman. That was my older lady when I was 19. I only bonked one older lady. I was 19, she was 29. I remember at the time being like, oh my God, she is a grown-ass lady. And now we're all like,

fucking hell, she's young, isn't she? Don't give Scrooge the older fan. I really miss the window on sleeping with an older woman. You could do it now. Yeah, but it's just a woman, isn't it? No, like, you could go for like a 75-year-old. Oh. Game.

Take her teeth out. Sloppy jobby. Oh, yeah. We'll see you in Tenerife. Right, let's have a break. I'm thinking of getting myself a cold water plunge tank. An ice bath? Yeah, one of have a break. I'm thinking of getting myself a cold water plunge tank. An ice bath? Yeah, one of them.

Three weeks ago, you went, just fucking eat sensible and exercise. Yeah, but then I listened to a podcast yesterday and it's changed my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I need a cold water plunge tank. Three to six minutes every morning, they reckon. 50 degrees Fahrenheit

will do it for you. Is that how you work? Temperatures? Fahrenheit? Yeah. Yeah, cool. Well, the fella was American, so I'll Google the translation.

50 degrees Celsius because that's a different ice bath. Stevie Trancy! To be fair. He's selling ice baths. His therapist told him to get a boiling water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's getting the lobster it. You know, life is like an ice baths. His therapist told him to get a boiler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's getting the lobster it. You know, life is like an ice bath at 50 degrees. Apparently it's better than any cardio for stripping fat off the human body. Wow. He's a changed woman. I never need that. Stephen, we need your opinion on something.

Adam's therapist said she thinks he's too humble. Genuinely. How do you feel about that? I don't know the PC term for this. Was your therapist as simple to... Do you change who you are when you go in there? Yeah, I'm honest there, do you know what I mean? There's no persona.

There's no mask. I'm naked. Metaphorically. Strip back row. Perfect for the ice bath. Yeah. naked metaphorically strip back row ooh perfect perfect for the ice bath yeah I'm getting

I'm getting a cold water plunge tank you live in an apartment where are you going to put it on the roof just put a put a normal thing up there and wait for it to get cold

which means no it has to be a certain temperature can we get a work one yeah can we get one for here yeah and I also want to start

taking vitamin D3 supplements I do every morning I do every morning you left your fucking supplements in Nashville you know but I need to buy new ones

I don't know is that a metaphor for something I'll leave my supplements in Nashville all over the couch leave it by your front door I have my vitamins

by the front door so remember with the milkman on the outside any thieves watching Ouch. Leave it by your front door. I have my vitamins by the front door, so remember when we leave. With the milkman? No, outside. Any thieves watching, straight by the front door. I mean, inside.

I thought you got them delivered. How healthy are you? No, so when I get my keys, I'm like, oh shit, you sent me vitamins, and never forget them. Yeah, you tend to keep yourself in good shape, Stephen. Are you a cold water plunger? I'm not.

No? I used to have cold showers but it's because the boiler broke it genuinely is and I used to get in arguments with my roommate at the time saying you're having a 10 minute shower

we have 30 minutes of hot water a day because he'd use it up loads and I was livid and I didn't feel any benefits from a cold shower so yeah I don't have a benefits from a cold shower so yeah I don't have a cold plunge tank

people swear by it apparently it's meant to be amazing for you just cold shower yeah don't have a girlfriend don't have a wife cold shower

get yourself a gun Wim Hof former militia what? Wim Hof what? Wim Hof oh yeah

he's the expert well my man who I've been listening to who's changed my life he says comfort goes hand in hand with ageing

so if you're comfortable and you're not like challenging yourself that's how you age faster so cold showers stop you from ageing because it's uncomfortable but if you get a nice

little temperature on and you're like ooh love a little shower then you're just basically you're as good as dead get rid of your bed oh yeah die young get rid of that bed put the bed on the roof with the ice bath yeah middle of winter god i'm gonna live longer climbing up on a roof old people are stupid they never climb up on roofs

that's why they die no but you know like when your nan's all frail and everyone's like oh don't go outside and it's too hot too cold stay inside and lie down that's killing it what am i doing gaslighting your nun don't go outside it's too hot it's too cold it's both it's icy sweaty stay inside sign that will get in this ice bath it's 50 degrees yeah yeah Fahrenheit are you a gym bunny Stephen I've been going to the gym more recently

I bet because last time I was on this podcast Dan had a debate with himself if he could batter me so you've changed your life I thought

I need I need people to look at me and go I can't just batter him there'll be some restraint what would be your top 12 gym tips for our listeners? Hey guys, I know this

is why you've tuned in. Step number one, don't stare at other people in the gym. Because they're filming and if they catch you, you get exposed and that's awful. Oh, is everyone filming now? A lot of people are. I've seen all the women.

In the gym. Are they allowed out? What's his name? Johnny, what's Joey Swann? You can't go to the gym, it's too hot and cold. There's a man who calls a lot. There's loads of women like filming themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then when they catch men having a look at their bundas, they are, they put it on Twitter. Their bundas. Famously on this YouTube channel, we love the bunda, don't we? People are like, oh, like they put it on Twitter they're bundas famously on this YouTube channel we love the bunda don't we people are like oh

like they put it up and go oh look at this man looking at me tear days they're all Irish they're waiting for it to go viral

aren't they just someone fucking stick that camera up your fucking ass your big oestrogen head now there's a man who calls them out

on Twitter Joey Swole yeah that's big you never filmed yourself what's the point. Yeah. About gym etiquette, that's big. You never filmed yourself. What's the point if you're not filming yourself? I mean, that's life. I know, yeah.

But I just go on the stir stepper really and block out the world. Compete with other people that don't know you're competing with them. Oh, yeah. I love doing that. I went to a class on Saturday. My girlfriend goes to it

and then it was just full of women and it was, I said that in a way that would suggest I'm gay, I'm not. Women are all right. There was a treadmill and then there was this

mat bit where you do some stuff and then it was the thing where your legs and arms move at the same time. Spin class. No, that's a cross trainer. No, that's a cross trainer, isn't it? Assault bike, sorry.

Oh, that's horrible, yeah. Spin class is just so good. Oh yeah, that's the worst one, the assault it? Assault bike, sorry. Oh, that's horrible, yeah. Spin class is just so clear. Oh, yeah, that's the worst one, that. The assault bike. It's great for burning fat, though. It's up there with a cold water plunge. Tip number two. So I went to one of those.

I just went for a Nando's and he's come back a changed woman. I had a big Nando's today. Your big oestrogen head. That was a big Nando's. You're going to be in the fucking Mersey. Yeah. What did you have I had a sunset

burger with chips and rice wow banging but you know the way you compete with people in the gym

I compete with people at Nando's there was a fella on the table next to me and I smoked him I got mine well before him

and he got his before me as well yeah I compete in the steam room that's where I compete that's a good place to compete king of the steam room that's where i compete oh that's a good place to compete king of the steam room how much cum can you swallow you come in after after i got

in you leave before me muppy one nil yeah and then i see him in the gym i'm like so how was the ladies class steven it was a they're a different breed um they just don't stop the worst part was um the instructor she was sort of amongst all the other women and it was a dark room and she had a she had a headset on so i could hear her but i couldn't see her so she's showing me how to do these moves i can't see her i'm looking at the wrong woman so i'm staring at the wrong woman rule number one don't stare at people uh i burnt 500 calories a lot of that is probably down to just me being surrounded by women that I don't know. Just anxiety. Exactly.

Anxiety class. Oh, shit. You're uncomfortable. You will live longer. Welcome to exercise in the dark. Do whatever exercise you want, but you're going to be terrified of the dark anyway. Burn loads. There is a man in here with a knife.

You don't know where he is. Imagine that. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be really good. It's an hour. Yeah. And you get a lavender flannel at the end um sort of you know calms you down neutralizes you as you go back on the streets on the streets were you allowed in that was allowed in oh right it wasn't it wasn't all women's class and they

were like it's 2023 we don't want to question what yeah they didn't even bat an eyelid as i walked in um but i i i outdid my girlfriend which was the real trophy um yeah quite quite a bit uh she's younger than me as well you know she should be doing more pathetic joe when you play your girlfriend that sports do you beat her like i beat her before and after she beats me we don't really play sports no I mean like if you play like a game of pool in the pub or something do you try and beat her

I would do I do but we don't do anything like that she's more into gymnastics and I can't really compete with you know that that's a weird date night

isn't it get in the garden yeah go down to local Webberspoons have a few boners over the gymnastics a few bononers and do a bit of gymnastics.

A few booners? Wetherspoons? Shall we go down the local Wetherspoons? Ooh! Usually we travel to a Wetherspoon. Do you still go to the same places you did before this started being really successful?

No, not exactly. But that's just because I've matured as a man. You know what I mean? I've grown up a bit. I'm more of a pub than a club man now. Yeah.

I don't like the oomph, oomph, oomph. Oomph, oomph, yeah. I like the fiddly diddly dee. You know what I mean? He's right. Yeah. I shop at M&S now.

Wow. The M&S food hall is one of man's greatest inventions really is yeah I've changed as well I mean I live in the same house

the same family but I actually water my house plants with Evian so you've got seven cars I'm doing fine thank you Dave

I've had to sell two of them what do you splurge out on I don't say remember the cars my trainer spends has gone up you out on? I don't say remember the cars. My trainer spends has gone up from where

it used to be because I was actually I was getting just murdered and they still don't like what I'm wearing but it's show us

what ones you got on today. I think you're dressing nicely. Yeah. These have become the standard. Oh yeah.

What are they called again? Height up blazers. Yeah. Yeah. So I've that's the thing that is, no, nothing else is different. Even with the classic pampers on?

Yeah. Just like every other cunt going around these streets. Am I right, guys? He nodded. Matthew knows. I think 100 quid is the most I've, no, back in the day I spent 150 quid on some Reebok pump. Calm down. That's it. I've... No, back in the day, I spent 150 quid on some Reebok pump. Calm down.

That's it. I've never spent more than 150 on trainers. Yeah. What's your PB on trainer spends? Probably ones for my partner. Because you're a good guy. She's got an expensive taste. I don't mean to pay to lick her out.

Yeah, I love it. It's's 40 quid now get your pussy out I know what you're like in a local Wetherspoons were they hypebeast trainers or like shoes like lady shoes no they're from Kirsch Kicks please give me something they're like Yeezys

that kind of thing the ones where they're different colours and all that shit's going on I know what one's you mean different coloured Yeezys I don't get it I don't even get Yeezys

they look no they're finished now good because he's the point of them was no one he's gone a bit mad yeah

the point of them no one had them when I got a pair of V2s and no one had them, I felt like the most special boy in the world. I was like, I've got these webs and no one's got them. I want them in the raffling size. And now everyone's got them. It's like, that's pointless now.

And he's an anti-Semite. I don't buy him. I don't buy or not buy you based on anti-Semitism. Oh, I do, Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bought your car? Oh, massively. You love Hugo Boss? What?

Hugo Boss. That's true, actually. God, yeah. Yeah. Any of these big companies. There was a report on a website, I imagine like Rooters or something, that anti-Semitism in Germany is at an all-time high.

Oh, yeah. It's definitely not, is it? Yeah. Come on, l all-time high oh yeah so it's definitely not is it yeah come on lads well i mean even if it's halfway there chill you're fucking it can't be at an all-time high can it no i know that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying jews die but even if it's a half remember yeah yeah yeah come on now come on yeah i've been bad take those yeezys off it's tempting i've got two pairs of Yeezys off. It's tempting. I've got two pairs of Yeezys and two of the most comfortable trainers I wear

and I'm keeping them. It's not my fault that he's got an old fucking Jew hater. Yeah. It isn't your fault. I mean, we should have seen it coming when he released the Yeezy Jew hater. That was writing on the wall. I didn't buy them.

And he wrote it on the wall, which is, you know, that was a Jewish person's house. So we should have seen it coming but i don't connect those two things you're right they're quite separate the art from the artist exactly totally yeah you're wearing your jew haters and they're comfy and you're fine with that shoes that look like them by the way i can see you know you're reading your correspondence from routers and you're just like which is a porn website is it?

yeah I mean I'm sure there is one called Reuters do you like Disney Dan? because wasn't Walt Disney a naughty man? not Reuters as in like fucking

rooting a woman with your car Reuters yeah yeah yeah yeah that's just I was playing around with the fact you said it wrong

Disney? Disney? ever went to Disney asked that's what I did ask ever went to who are he asked. That's what I did ask. Ever went to... Who are you going for? Nala.

What? Do you listen to me? Adult Nala. Who's Nala? Simba's bed. Wow. When she grows up, though. Yeah.

Not like, pinch again. You're like, oh my God. No, not her. That's a child. Yeah, Dan. That'd be weird if I even brought it up. I've had a Pumba wank. Who hasn't?

Singing walk. Pumba would be grateful, though. Who am I going for? Oh, isn't it Incredibles? Is that it? Are they one? She's incredible. She's everywhere.

Katy Perry just did cosplay as the mum in The Incredibles, is that it? Are they one? She's incredible. She's heavy, yeah. Katy Perry just did cosplay as the mum in The Incredibles, and it was wonderful. Yeah. Dead ace. Is she the one you can stretch? You don't have to sell me on cosplay, mate. Go on. I'm just all for it.

Favourite cosplay you've experienced? Ooh, French maid. That's not cosplay. Cos cosplay is a fucking menial job that's fucking that's not cosplay no we're talking about Jamaican plumber for me Jamaican plumber

my girlfriend was cancelled shortly after what are the chats doing too sir let me look at them pipes Stephen I think you know which one I mean. Get your pipe out. You're lucky you got me out because it's hot and icy. I'm hot and icy.

Can we cut to a break, please? Shut up, Finn. Shut up, Finn, you fucking idiot. Why is it made? Not cosplay? It is. It is, sort of. But if you turned up to a cosplay convention, you'd be like, yeah, French maid, you fucking idiot. Why is it made not cosplay? It is, it is sort of, but if you turned up to like a cosplay convention, you'd be like, yeah, French made, 26.99, Amazon. You can't go to Comic-Con in like a Greg's tabard.

Is that a cosplay? Just a fact, innit? Yeah, she's just a woman serving lunch. Look at her cosplay, it's so realistic. No, she actually works here. She's the comic con Disney lady no I mean like

Chun-Li from Street Fighter I've seen that done pretty well you've had sex with someone dressed as Chun-Li that's what we're on about I've seen it done well

one of my favourites hang on I've been married nearly 10 years do you think Laura's going cosplay night tonight it's Wednesday night Chun-Li or something from The Avengers what are you fucking on about I've been married nearly 10 years. Do you think Laura's going, cosplay night tonight? It's Wednesday night. Chun-Li or something from the Avengers?

What are you fucking on about? I'm just going to pretend here. Velma from Scooby-Doo. Yeah. She's the one with the glasses. Yeah. No, who's the other one? Daphne.

Yeah, but that's the thing. You're wildly off. Finn. Mate. Daphne. Wake up, man. Finn. Mate, Daphne. Velma from Scooby-Doo Cosplay is sexier than Daphne. Yeah, because Daphne, she knew she was fit. She was fit, but she knew it.

Oh, I hate that. Velma was like, I'll put him anywhere. I love that episode. Scooby-Poo episode Scooby poo Scooby doo Daphne who's this is this you Steve put Velma

Scooby doo cosplay oh my god no I like Scooby doo cosplay let's end the fucking take safe search off Steve

this is gonna get oh that's a child well Instagram have done this better but lard lard

yeah mate we can't be looking at these ones Steve that's a six year old girl on her way to her birthday there we go Well, Instagram have done this better, but lard, lard. Yeah, mate. We can't be looking at these ones. See, that's a six-year-old girl on her way to her birthday party. What have you seen? There we go. That's what I'm into. Look at that. Look at that skirt, mate.

Whoa! That's just an orange skirt with a jumper. Oh, my God! Steve, can you get Pumba cosplay up, please? Ooh. Who am I going for? Yeah, Mrs. Oh!

That's cute. That's lovely. Oh, it's a shame! It's leaving my name! And I got down hard! How did it feel? Every time that I... Pumbaa.

Not in front of the kids. Would you fuck Timon? No, he's a busy little cunt. Not into it. Get ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always fucking yapping. Can't wait for Ted Lasso to be out.

Have you watched Ted Lasso? It's the last episode tonight. I'm not sold on it, you know. I don't think it's funny enough. I was thinking. But it's heartwarming. Yeah, but... I don't watch it for laughs.

I watch it to feel good about the prospect of strangers being lovely. american though isn't it yeah i've never watched i was watching i was thinking when was the last time i laughed at this show and uh it was a while what's it classed as is it a drama no it's comedy it's just straight comedy oh you've got to be laughing then it's comedy uplift and heartwarming they do three things on netflix yeah are you a generous laugher though steven like when i watched mickey flanagan one of his stand-up specials this week and i got to the end and i like mickey flanagan and i'd seen a few of the best bits clipped out i got to the

end i went fuck i didn't laugh there i just don't maybe it's because i'm in the room i think i would laugh i think flanagan's fucking great but i don't think I'm a very generous laugher when I'm watching stuff. I think it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud. Yeah, that's true. On my own, I won't really laugh. The people watching it, yeah. If I'm there live, I laugh a lot.

To the point where I'm trying to steal the show, really. Who's that guy? Stephen Charley's laughing over there. It takes a lot to laugh on your own. Like a laugh-laugh, doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. When you're on your own like a laugh yeah it really does when you're on your own if something gets you you're gone yeah but like yeah i laughed a lot at john mulaney's new special and i was on my own when i watched that for the first time yeah it's so because it's so stupid is he the one who went to rehab yeah right but some of the things he did it's it's called baby j it's on netflix it's so

good that is a full recommendation from both of us it's one of the best specials i've watched in a wee while the al pacino bit in it doesn't work which ones so he's got a bit in it spoilers about how pete davidson always changes his phone number oh Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he saves it as random celebrities. And when he was in rehab, he'd saved it as Al Pacino. So the nurse will come home and be like, Al Pacino's ringing you while he's in rehab. And it's Pete Davidson. And it's just, he acts out what the nurse thought was happening

versus what is actually happening. And it just lifts right out of the special. It doesn't need to be in it. And it doesn't go anywhere. It just... It doesn't live up to some of the other bits the selling selling a rolex that he's just bought yeah for coke money is oh my god some of the best stand up yeah have you ever been stung by netflix yet you changed all the rules haven't they not seen it when you log in now it scans your ip of all your devices

in your house and then if it's not on that IP, it's £5 a month extra. I've got to watch Netflix. People are getting fucked. You're not into this, dude. If my ex-girlfriend is still using my Netflix,

then there's going to be murder. Or another special. My sister's definitely got my login details, so it's password time innit me little brother and me dad use it

I'll just pay the five quid a month for it alright I will yeah I will as well for your ex no for my sister oh because he's doing it

I've got to do it good of you it's five quid a month yeah I know but you know cost a living mate get some of that sensible woman money

and use that I need an ice bath. I'm saving up. Yeah. Can we actually get a cold water plunge tank for any of you? A hundred percent. Where? On the balcony.

What? I hate to be practical, but there's a lot of electrical equipment, guys. Just do it in there. They do well, but they'd be stupid. In the disabled toilet. Loads of space. It's where he poos.

I'll slap over in it. Thank you. But if you're uncomfortable, you live longer. So in there he poos. I'll slap over in it. Thank you. But if you're uncomfortable, you live longer. So in there, once he's shit, you're in an ice bath. You're in there while he's shit. That is 15 to 20 on the end of my life. You could both be in there. Yeah.

Be really uncomfortable. Oh, it might make you uncomfortable. No ice bath. Just go in there without it. I had a shit the other day that was fluorescent green. Wow. Was it a baby? No. It wasn that was fluorescent green. Wow. For baby? No.

It wasn't like sick green. It was green. It was golf course green. Enjoy your breakfast. Do you know what it was? I'd had a slush. I don't think that correlates, you know, unless it was green. No, it was blue.

I had had a blue thing that day. I don't think an ice bath is going to fix this. Yeah, I don't think the vitamins are going to do enough there. Well, apparently, if you've got a deficiency in vitamin D3 and you start taking supplements, your grip gets stronger and your bowels get better. And a lot of people think they've got IBS, but they've just got a D3 deficiency.

Just notice my grip has got stronger. I've been taking vitamin D for like a month now. And it is. Yeah, my grip gets stronger around the vitamin d you're right oh shit nice oh you mean yeah put it by your front door you'll never forget i'm not but i always say put everything by your front door i'm trying to get up i'm trying to i'm in the process of doing it's difficult but i'm trying to get myself two routines one for when i'm not at home i'm on the road gigging because i'm going to need that when i'm on tour and one for when i'm at home so half eight is my wake-up time now adam's health i'm trying to have an hour before i do anything where i just sort myself out and do a

bit of breath work what have you been watching lad i've hit my bullshit limit i've hit my adam's bullshit limit i just hit it we've done pretty well i've been pretty good for it today but i do i sort of hit my limit yeah are you actually in therapy yeah are you in therapy dan i was yeah but then adam stole her oh he was like yeah she's great company therapist it's a great she's great's like, are you in therapy? You're so good. Are you? Yeah. Oh my God. Are you winning?

Am I winning? I think it's four or two up. I think so. Yeah? I think so. They're 50 quid a week. Is it a man or a woman? Man.

Can't speak to a woman. Especially if you don't know where she is turn the lights off is this therapy in the dark I just went because I was told to go by my girlfriend that sounds healthy only recently so she told you to go

told you to go was it a birthday present she thinks it'd be good for me that's a fuck off birthday present isn't it are you to go? Was it a birthday present? She thinks it'd be good for me. It wasn't a birthday present, no. That's a fuck-off birthday present, isn't it? Yeah, it is. That's three sessions. Are you enjoying it? Some weeks.

Yeah. When I need... Do you know when you feel like you need it? Something like a poo. I just need to get this out of me. The other weeks, I'm sort of thinking, what can I make up? That would be me.

That would be me. What's wrong with me today? Is that what you're actually doing? No. I just... It'd be great. Don't feel like sharing today. Is that what you're actually doing? It beats great. Don't feel like sharing today. How's things been going, Stephen?

I want to burn things. I did that in confession, my first ever confession. I've said that. It's the first confession in school. I had nothing to say, so I was like, oh yeah, I was throwing stones at windows in there. I remember saying it. He's like, oh God, yeah.

I was like, yeah, you you're forgiven I was like laughing yeah they shouldn't have blasphemed either how chilled out was that fucking priest you've been throwing stones at windows which fucking windows

are for church yeah yeah yeah no worries man it's a fucking pebbles or stones or what and the thing is Carl had lied about doing that

so then he's got one in the bank oh shit yeah you can throw stones at windows now and you're already at peace with God God's laughing

I mean God's in debt to me yeah for a stone thrown that's how that works I was like yeah you know start throwing stones at windows

I was like five wow I'm bad aren't I I had nothing to say I was five don't say that to a priest yeah I'm bad aren't I

that's a big test fucking hell I've told you about the time I got entrapped by the priest by the priest yeah

I threw my mate's jumper over the fence in school and I wouldn't tell the teacher so they made me go to confession and as soon as I confessed it they were like yep he did it they were all in on it

corruption at the highest level mate St Margaret Maney's it goes right to the top. The headmistress. Inadmissible, I've told you that. You can't use that. Not a lot of six-year-olds know that word, though, do they? Excuse me, miss. Fruit of the poisonous tree.

That's inimitable. One of them, anyway. You rat. It is. You ever get in trouble for anything big at school? No, I was very good. I was a very boring kid. Growing into a boring adult.

Yeah, I was very quiet. I think you're quite a fun adult. You know, you create some good content. You do your sketches, you know. You've got your show. Why do you say it like that? What? You've got your bloody funny sketch. You're doing your create some good content. You do your sketches. You know, you've got your show. Why do you say it like that? What? You've got your bloody funny sketch.

You're doing your stuff on the internet. You've got your girlfriend now who wants you in therapy. There's still a win. He's still doing your sketches, son. On the internet. You're busy, aren't you? You've got your class on Sundays. No, you are more of a fun adult than most.

I hope so. It's because I don't have as much responsibilities. You know, they've all got bills they have to worry about. You just don't pay your bills. Yeah, he's not making money, he's just ignoring bills. And what, kids?

You want kids? Yeah. Any, any will do. Please put my address across the screen. Hello! Now, do you want children in your future? Yeah, but not for a while. You're a young guy. I want to be like a 50-year-old when I ever get...

No, I don't. I want to be probably 35. Yeah. You want to be 35? Ideally. Biological clock's ticking there, son. Yeah. It's good age, that's how old I am.

We joked about this a while back right but it was only when i was talking to someone else recently that i actually truly thought about it not in a funny way you know before you were with your lady yeah right and you were out there you know putting your dick about fucking i was a virgin adam thank you fuck in my hand thank you imagine i was fucking fucking crying in the car to my sister saying, why don't women like me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking, I know you mean.

You big fucker. Just, same for you. It's possible, isn't it, that you've got an illegitimate child out there somewhere? Yeah, and I know which night it possibly came from. Really? Is it just one chance? Oh, 100%.

Oh, mate, I could have fathered many and many oh no there's more than one chance but there's one that's a bit like like about a year later she'd had a little kid oh shit yeah yeah yeah you could do like a patreon special and do a DNA test with him. Jeremy Kyle special? Yeah. Not him, no, he's a gobshite. That was 2004. That's when I was a kid. 19. Wow. Yeah. Get him on. It's still Ryan.

I'm his dad. There was one woman I had an encounter with at one point in time. A fight? Like Pokemon? Of the third kind. And she was joking about getting pregnant in order to make me pay for a baby. How long had you known her?

About an hour and a half. What was this, in the envy days? And you still shagged her? No, I stopped after that. And she asked me to shag her again. After an hour and a half. What was this, in the envy days? And you still shagged her? No, I stopped after that. And she asked me to shag her again. After an hour and a half? Yeah. What?

Hang on. Talk me through it. I'd already fucked her. Oh, right, right. And then she was like, yeah, I could, you know, just... And I hadn't cummed in her. You're making a romantic bastard. It's inadmissible because I haven't

cummed in you and I ain't thrown no stools at no windows. Can he cum now? Yeah. But then she was like, yeah, I could, you know, I could get pregnant

and then you'd have to pay for the baby, wouldn't you? Like forever. And I was like, yeah, yeah, don't do that. And then she freaked me out and then she was like, right, let's go again.

And I was like, nope. Did you go to, you need to keep some of the thoughts you're having in your head from now on with men. She wasn't the type of girl who was capable of doing that. Did you go to... You need to keep some of the thoughts you're having in your head from now on with men. She wasn't the type of girl who was capable of doing that.

And you were going in... It's a bit much to just lay there. I could murder you with a knife. Just saying. I'm not going to do it. And you were going in... What? You were going in bagless, yeah?

You don't have a bag for life? I've been in bagless. Did you steal the bag or pay 20 bucks? Oh! What, and put a bag on? No. I was about to call bullshit on that. No one goes on this.

I'm about to come. Let me just put it on. I've had a good five minutes. I'm nearly there. I'm just going to... Let me ruin it, Seth. Hang on. Fucking wrong way.

It's like a USB, innit? There you go. Get here. It's just like a USB. She's like, oh my God, you There you go. Get here. It's just like a USB. She's like, oh my God, you sexy bastard. Oh my God, I've made you wetter. She loves tech. Yeah, but I was just,

I was panicking for like a while that I had pre-cummed and gave it a baba. What was this? She was one of the six. Oh, she was one of the six! The six is growing it was recently I honestly for some reason

I just slightly missed the start of that story and I thought this was like ten years ago and you're working in envy actually you could pee for the fucking baby you could pay for a bus fare

what's one of the six is there like a is it in a week it's in the film it's a Tarantino film one of the six it's really good so last year I've seen seven when Adam was a single man Adam was in the film. It's a Tarantino film. One of the six. It's really good. So last year when Adam was a single man.

Adam was in the box. He only had sex with six women. He didn't. Isn't it? Oh, he did. Sorry, he did. Right. But he didn't.

It depends how you count. One, two, three, four, five, six. That's six, isn't it? It takes a piss, but it was on you. It's six isn't it it takes a piss but it was on you it's six in dog years yeah no

six it's such a lie it's inadmissible what would you do if you're fucking hello and he looks like you is that what's happening

I asked Laura the question the other day the other day the other day? yeah we were talking about it what did she say? because there's every chance

that me and my sister have got siblings a sibling that we don't know about I think I think without getting too much into the details

you know it was the late 70s early 80s there was no incident it was the early 70s early 80s there was no it's the early 80s summer of love it's a norwegian bird get on my fjord um so i don't know. So were you talking about the prospect of a sibling, not a child for you?

I was just saying, what if there was a knock at the door? Because we- From your sibling or from your child? From my sibling. Eyes and back. From my sibling. And I was like,

I'd be, I personally would be like, yeah, cool. Nothing's your fault, is it? No. And I've got a sibling out there. I know about that. Nothing's your fault.

We've had a family member who had a kid really young uh put up for adoption and then they tried to get in touch with our family member and they just said no where would you want them and i i this is no judgment but i think that's that i get it it's difficult for you you're giving up a baby and all of that stuff but to then turn around when they're an adult and go no well i'm still not interested is such a like at that point yeah you give them a bit of fucking closure yeah just go i tell you what i was young this happened and now you're here just give them that but she was like i'm not having like got to the point where she was like

i don't even want to deal with it so i would deal with it law and then i asked laura the question i was like what if there was a knock at the door and someone was like like that 19 years ago yeah if it's a baby then laura's got every right to be human yeah how did you get it what are you knocking for where would you want them to be from because he's for the chinese one no no i want to this is a serious question right she's not's not Chinese, she's a quarter Asian, but I don't know which Chinese country. Did you mean that? Did you mean that? Oh, my God!

He was really trying! He was really trying! I don't know which one of the, you know, Chinese he could... He was really trying. I don't know which one of the, you know, Chinese he called. No, Carl, I'm going to be serious here. She's a quarter Asian, but I have no idea which one of them, you know, bloody, bloody.

Question. What did Laura say about that if you had a child turn up? And second question is what would you do if a if a child turned up and it was laura's and she didn't know about it she fell out on the bus more questions more uh part two jack's going more questions on part two oh my god, wow! Shopping at Laura's t-shirt. Laura's just like, fuck, I had no idea. Jesus Christ.

I just thought I had constipation. She's so surprised she's taken up smoking. I'm going to go. You're walking out. I can see it in the forehead. Anyway. Someone knocks and they're like, get on there and he looks the image of you

unlucky no so is there no chance you've got a baby out there it's fucking impossible yeah I'd be fine same really

I'd be fine you know there'd have to be a bit of a vetting period because just because it's mine take them to the vets yeah

take them to the vets get it neutered check he hasn't got fleas yeah this is my daughter I don't even know her really can we have her space I don't want any more of this do they

wanna do they wanna be involved yeah proper 22,000 patrons Dan oh oh yeah

I'd be suspicious oh yeah three years you gotta get a DNA test you can't just take the word for it oh 100% three years ago Oh, yeah. I'd be suspicious. Oh, yeah. Three years. You've got to get a DNA test. You can't just take the word for it. Oh, 100%. Three years ago, I'd be like, nice one, you can drive me to gigs.

Now, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be suspicious. No, well, he's like, Dad, I just want to go to the Wofford game, isn't there? Come on. It's a long drive, isn't it? How's that?

Actually, that was his answer on the door. It's a long drive, isn't'm driving and he's got a big RV no championship football isn't for me so who do we support no

he's got a big he's got a big RV he's like what if he's from Watford that'd be great stay at his for home games that'd be class

you'd be a great dad to this I'd be I'm open to it what if I'm open to it does if I'm open to it does he want money what if it's your daughter

right yeah and she's like how old 20 she does her dad 20 is she fit

oh no 20 how many pints 20 right 20 pints 4 she is addicted to crystal meth right but all of her family's dead apart from you and she wants to move in right what are you doing she's told you all this in the first 30

seconds hello dad is dna says i am yours my mom's dead me and my granddad are dead everyone's dead i'm addicted to crystal meth this is me crystal meth I'm just going to come in and smoke a piece of crystal meth do you want some? right well initially it's a no I don't want to seem you know unkind but I can't have crystal meth

around me I'm terrible for people having drugs around me and me going I'm fucking winning Rome I'm bonding Laura I don't even know how to do crystal meth

if she was a meth head I'd help but she's not coming in put her in the shed stay in the garden she's not going in the garden office not even allowed in the house at all not coming in a crystal mess she's not staying she's not coming in listen she's not going she's not coming in the garage so listen i will talk to her and help her from the front lawn. And I don't think... She's a fucking method. That's terrible. It's not all my fault, that.

Through the letterbox. And I will... Listen, I'm going to help you. Watch your PayPal. I'll help, but she's not coming in yet until I see some... You know, I've had to go through some, you know, drug treatment. She goes and has a big bag of flea.

She's a coke head. Now she's on the porch. Keep it. Keep coming. Right, she's in the hallway with a, yeah. What if she's a meth head but she's also

the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? So she's a multi-millionaire meth head. I've got a new podcast. You love Fortune 500. Make this interesting. Those would-you-rathers before were stupid, but this one will get you. Your daughter, you've just met her.

She's 20, about a seven. Right? She comes to the door. You had Fortune 500. Crystal meth, Fortune 500. It's doing well. She owns shares. She's the CEO shares she's the CEO

she's the CEO yeah she's just yeah turned up bag of flake every summer she goes and juggles

with the Moscow State Circus right the podcast is flying I'm telling you lads I've got a second project Dan and his fucking crackhead CEO daughter

whoa whoa whoa oh sorry meth head she's a functioning meth head thank you yeah what does meth do makes you like mental it's like the zombie drug isn't it crackhead CEO daughter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, sorry, meth head. She's a functioning meth head. Thank you. Yeah. What does meth do? Makes you like mental, doesn't it?

It's like the zombie drug, isn't it? It's high energy, you know, they forage, don't they? Have you seen the video of the Trank place? They stayed somewhere and they're all just in like a car park and they're all just like goosed. Is that in like Philadelphia or somewhere?

Yeah, but heroin sleepy crystal meth is like you can bonk on crystal meth can't you yeah you do as well right well i'll have a word with my daughter about that i'll be like she turns up scratching at the door right well i'm gonna try and help her but uh you know it's mad that you could actually this could be real i mean not a fortune 500 method but you could have a child another one yeah I had a one night stand 19 years ago

and a year later someone had gone yeah she's got a kid now you know about two or three months old I was like who knows what is it

part of a gangbang now good question so it might not be yours oh god yeah I should have thought of that god that was 2000 what did I say 2004 that was my gangbang now? Good question. It might not be yours. Oh, God, yeah, I should have thought of that. God, that was 2000, what did I say, 2004? That was my gangbang year.

That was the year of the gangbang. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gangbang style. Yeah, there was Euros on and we just got into gangbanging. That's a weird balloon, that. That was a gangbang, love. No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it was. You were on meth. Now get back to your fucking Fortune 500 company. We need a break. Oh, is that 40? Is Sneak good, Dan? Yeah, Carl, it's dead good. Why don't you start doing the Sneak advert?

Sneak, I drank some earlier. And this is Yuzu Mandarin, which is... Why don't you start doing the sneak advert? Sneak? I drank some earlier. And this is Yuzu Mandarin, which is all types of citrusy goodness. Yuzu is a lemon and lemon. You're the bunny. Can I smell it, please? Do you want some? Stephen, do you want to try some sneak?

Oh, my God. Come on, you have smells delicious. I'll smell it. Snort some. That's his delicious face.. I smell it. You're snort some. That's his delicious face. Don't throw it, you haven't closed it. Are you off?

Do a line of sneak. No. Oh my God, sneak just shit. No. Gorgeous. Nice, isn't it? Gorgeous, isn't it?

It's not meant to be sniffed. Drink it. It's mmm. All types are great. Do you want to find out about your crystal meth daughter? Sneak. That's lovely. Yeah. Don't read the ingredients crystal meth daughter? Sneak. That's lovely.

Yeah, don't read the ingredients. There you go, sneak. That's gorgeous. Stephen, don't read the ingredients. 20 servings. 20 if I get my hands on it. Sneak. Part four of four of this Have A Word podcast. I love the fourth part.

Now, we have got 22 nearly and a half thousand Patreons for this bad boy. Starting from just £3 a month. If you're a pube, sign up now. You know you want to. Nashville is upon us.

Nashville's out next week. And when we get to 30,000 Patreons... Not if, when. When? Thank you, Steve. That's the mindset. When we get there... Three weeks. When we get there three weeks

when we get there Carl is doing a stand-up set written by them I also think Stephen that should be your return to stand-up comedy

that hallowed night nice Tri-Z's back on stage come on for the Patreon special that is

Carl's first stand-up gig I need me hand-holding did you see my charisma when I roasted you on stage or lack thereof I just stood there shaking with my phone it was everyone's favourite bit

of that whole thing yeah and you fucking smashed it it was so good we went we should do a roast night and then fucking had an amazing roast night and no one got a place

yeah that's another venue on the ropes I I'd look come on let's you know let's think about it honestly i can't think of anything worse than having you to write a stand up set for me to do i my main nerves was what if i forget what i'm saying so i guess you've i lose that because you've got it the thing is though like i'd rather call do his own sound i'm sad but he wants us to write it was stipulated yeah i think you can write your own come on you you know you know what you're doing no no interest have you are you don't do you think you're done with it a little bit the the the happiest i've been on stage was when the Jack Whitehall roast the other

week and I walked out there and I was like this feels nice because normally I'm going oh god just get through it and run off how did it come about here we go really shit story I wrote it on a whiteboard Jack Whitehall's

name lo and behold a couple of days later he messaged us saying, I'm in Blackburn in a few weeks. Do you want to do a video? And I pitched the idea, and then I went back and forth with his management. Really, he's just Jack on another email, I think. I'm not fooled.

And then, yeah, we did that. So we filmed during the day and and I got quite drunk from the filming and then he did his Blackburn sort of warm up show and I

I didn't realise how big it was and he said oh just roast me for that so I prepared a roast but it was wasn't my best but then

the Blackburn crowd was very good Is that the King George's Hall? Yeah Big old room innit yeah it's like 1500 and then

then I watched Jack do his show that was good because I was thinking I'll try and make a note of a joke to give him and then

I didn't have anything see there are not funny or a show's good probably a shit show but yeah it was that was a good night who would you say you got the choice of any comedian or celebrity we're like you know this really works in terms of content getting steven tries to roast you who would be the one you wanted they have to have a bit of controversy, otherwise you're just going,

making up shit jokes about the name or whatever. So a little bit of an edge to them is ideal. Schofield would be the dream. That'd be a bold move from him just now, wouldn't it, to be like, this could go viral. That's what True Geordie did, although he hadn't committed a crime, to be fair.

But Philip Schofield, yeah, I feel like he'd win a few of his fans back if he did that. I think so. If he just sort of laughed it off and walked off, and he'd pinch my bum as we walked off. He'd get a laugh. And then, yeah, get him back on This Morning with Holly. But I reckon Prince Andrew's probably the dream. Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah. Is he in on it? Yeah, he's got this morning with Holly. But I reckon Prince Andrew's probably the dream. Yeah,

that'd be good. Yeah. Is he in on it? Yeah, he's got to be. Yeah. Where? Where is this?

It's a roast sting. No, he goes, he thinks he's going to watch like the Lion King or something on the West End. And then the curtain opens and he just starts

being horrible. He has to be on stage as well. So he thinks he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he he has to be on stage as well so he thinks he's he's just do Prince Andrew's Blackburn date when Prince Andrew's on

Prince Andrew look this is going to seem like a bit of a wild one but we've we've got an idea to rehabilitate your profile

you've been cast as Scar in The Lion King so if you could just get your clothes on lad we've got to get down to the theatre

can you sing this to one of his advisors get your clothes on lad you know get going right it's okay yeah yeah and then the curtain opens

and he's like hey I'm a lion and I'm going you're not you're the pedo nice nice and there's me

fucking Pumba in the corner dirty little bitch really takes the edge off Andrew though I reckon if he was just cracking up at all the jokes Nice. Nice. And there's me fucking Pumba in the corner. Dirty little bitch. Really takes the edge off Andrew, though. I reckon if he was just cracking up at all the jokes, just loving it, just having a drink. Yeah.

I am. Yeah, just... I haven't had this much fun since the island. He's just going, I'm what? I'm what? And if he just don't duck to it... Andrew likes 12-year-old scotch. Boys. Nice.

Kids. He needs a bit of work. And Andrew's like... 12 year old scotch boys he's just shaking it wait till I get up there he says that'd be great so to answer your question Prince Andrew yeah he would be a good one

the Beatles because there's a lot of their success to Brian Epstein but he wouldn't have had success of Shagging Kids without Jeffrey Epstein And all the staff Awful

Just all the ushers Don't let it burn All yours kid These are my confessions I'm a paedophile I don't know what's your songs but

sorry guys quite the showman come on let's get some correspondence let's get some correspondence going to do some

advice Philip Schofield more like filling kids with cum in a school field yeah and there's me with Pumbaa Philip Schofield more like filling kids with gum in a school field yeah and there's me

with Pumbaa you should go back to the therapist Dan Hakuna Matata Max Rutherford says in a serious note what's this advice

advice advice Carl advice this is from former golf club employee Max Rutherford What's this? Advice. Advice. Advice. Carl. We can give advice now. It's not just have a word anymore. This is from former golf club employee Max Rutherford. The guns and the lions. Old rough dogs.

Are we going to fill Stephen in on what we told him? What's happened to the golf? He wanted to... It's going to be related to my new part-time job. What's your new part-time job? Golf. Oh, you playing or a caddy? No, I'm a golfer, yeah.

Oh, wow. Congratulations. I'm a golfman. Yeah, I bought the shoes and everything. You're halfway there. He's a putzman. Halfway. Bit of a putzman.

Oh, yeah. So this is a guy who worked at a golf club and he wanted to make his staff respect him as a manager or supervisor. And the members. And the members. Adam, sorry, what's your handicap, apart from your eye. Adam, sorry, what's your handicap? Apart from your eye.

Oh, sorry, we're not turning it into that. Jesus, Stephen. Cut that out. Disrespected not only my eye, but my golf ability. You ever heard of people who smoke weed? They do puff, puff, pass. I do pop, pop, pop. Three-putting?

That's not good, is it? It's a bogey in most holes. Just all the way around. Putting. You're fucking driving, you pussy. Do you know what I don't like in golf is when they say, oh, can I have that?

Do you want me to just right by the hole? Put it in? What's the point of that? Really upsets me. Open with that when we do your game. Hey, Blackburn. Ignore Prince Andrew for a second. Anyone play golf?

Just the sky. No! Ignore him. What? He's not meant to be out yet. Fucking hell, Andrew. Ignore Prince Andrew dressed as a lion. Golf!

ignore Prince Andrew dressed as a lion go golf so this guy was trying to get respect and we said he should get a gun and a lion and take it to the golf course

just walk in a lion alone wouldn't that do it the gun adds to it no the gun's for when the lion kicks off it depends because then if one of the members

is a lion tamer then they're not going to be scared but they'll still be scared of the gun it's a big crossover isn't it of the members is a lion tamer, then they're not going to be scared, but they'll still be scared of the gun. It's a big crossover, isn't it? No gun tamers there, mate. What do you want now? Fucking moaning ass.

In a few weeks, Max says, I'm going on a trip to Ibiza with da boys. Looking forward to it. Only problem is they like to partake in the drugs. And I'm a drinker and don't want to do pills or Charlie. Needing some advice from both of the other lads how toake in the drugs. And I'm a drinker. I don't want to do pills or Charlie. Needing some advice from both of the other lads how to deal with the situation. Love the pod.

Max Rutherford. That's a real problem there. Yeah. You need to get one guy who's on your level. There's usually one. Wayne Lineker. He'll be on the island. Wait for the roast.

God. Go and find Wayne Lineker and just go, listen, Wayne, the lads are on there, Charlie Wait for the roast. God. Go and find Wayne Lineker and just go, listen, Wayne, the lads are all on the Charlie. I'm staying with you. Because Wayne Lineker. Tonight, you're my boy, Wayne.

I'm staying with you, Wayne. Off we go. They're all on the Charlie, Wayne. Do you want a Corona? Shall we leave Ocean Beach? It's a bit overpriced. Fucking riff off here, babe. Wayne's like,

fuck off. Me and you, like that. Wayne! Wayne! He's all on the Charlie. Wayne's like fuck off me and you like that Wayne Wayne he's all on the Charlie I just wanted to cue you

crone couple of bottle backer is he behind the bar is Wayne Lineker a famous non-drug taker no

he's famous he's famous in Ibiza oh is he he smashes on young women smashes on young women. Smashes on?

Yeah. Right. Yeah, it's sort of just laughed off, isn't it, with Wayne? Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Prince Andrew doesn't have that, but Wayne does. Yeah. But the girls on Ibiza chose to go to the island, so. Ooh.

The White Isle. Thanks, Finn. Thank you, Finn. Can I get a... Can I get a... Calm down, Finn. There. Cover your bloodshot eyes. Tell you what,

it's my favourite episode with Finn so far. I think so. He's been great. He's not big as that. So basically, you just need one other Christian to just be your little non-drug mate. There's always one guy on your level.

There's always one. Well, I've been to Ibiza and not done drugs and just drank and still had a good time. Yeah, so you need to find Stephen Trice and Wayne Lineker. If he takes me, I'll go. Although, the boys sound a bit... I added that. He said the boys.

I actually think Max is pretty sound. You are despised. Yeah. It is. Yeah, you can still have a great time. Although, alcohol's really expensive over there

smuggle your own alcohol into the country yeah hope you're having a good time using a mule and have the mule

be your friend for the week a camel a booze mule that's yeah unusual that's genius

it's an actual donkey they're not suspicious no it's a person oh sorry I thought you meant a little donkey and how are they getting the alcohol in for us That's genius. It's an actual donkey. They're not suspicious. No, it's a person. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant a little donkey. And how are they getting the alcohol in? Their arse.

When they're looking for drugs on people's arses, when they just move a bottle of vodka out the way. Caffrey Sun. Morgan Spice rum. No cocaine, no. Hang on. What do you get in trouble for that? Do you know what you got on a plane with a bottle of Morgan Spice up your arse?

Are you getting in trouble? I think they'd be worried about why you've got it up your arse and not just left it in your safety bag. It's none of their business. It isn't any of their business, no. Hang on. They'd be suspicious of it. So you've just bought a bottle of Morgan Spice at the airport.

Yeah, so it's all clean. Shoved it up your arse. Yeah. I think what's up there is your worry. If you had a dildo up your bum, can they do anything about that? Through security you will go off Really? Oh yeah that'll make you beat

A rubber dildo? Oh sorry I was thinking the full Yeah mine have got batteries in Doing well What's the pilot saying? I'm still using a rolling pin Or my dad's fist Depends on the day Or my dad's fist. Depends on the day.

Use your dad's fist? Give Danny a dad's fist. He's watching the telly. It's not consensual. I should apologise to him. No, but are you getting in trouble for smuggling stuff you're allowed to smuggle?

Like a Walkman up your arse? No. You're not called. Try it. When we go to Tenerife. Using it wrong as well. That's what I'm saying. I'd start off with a shuffle.

Ooh, nice. Yeah. I don't see them anymore. Shuffle. Next bit of advice. This is from... Wagwag Lids. I may need some of your wonderful advice.

Basically, I think I fancy my best mate's ex and don't know what to do. They were together for nearly three years. We met a couple of times while they were together. Got on really well, but genuinely purely plat platonic and i wanted them to stay together and actively tried to stop my mate from leaving her they've been apart for nearly a year now in which time we've stayed in contact my mate told me to carry on being a mate as he knew how much we got on he also knows that we're still talking it is genuinely over the moon that we have stayed

close we've seen each other a few times since and chat semi-regularly but nothing has happened between us. I know he is over the breakup as he's already been in one other relationship. There was no drama when they broke up. It was simply that they weren't compatible but I just don't really know what to do.

I don't want to seem like a rat and that I waited for them to break up and now I'm moving in or anything because that's not the case. Don't move in's not the case however i can't deny the fact i'm getting feelings for her i also don't want to cut her out of my life as we genuinely get on and if i could drop the emotional side of it it'd be all fine the icing on the cake for all of this is that i saw her the other day for drinks and while we're out she openly asked if we are going to fuck. I avoided the question because I didn't know what to say but the fact

that she's clearly into me as well makes it really tough. Hope you can help, dead excited to see you all on tour next year, have a belter. I can't stress how much I need this to be anonymous. to be anonymous every time every time harry you have absolutely sold me up the fucking river on this one it says his name at the start oh my lord right You have to cut that out, Carl. You're just making it harder for yourself. Making it funnier. Every fucking time. You've got to talk to your mate first. But, I mean, just... You've got to try and avoid this as best you can.

Fuck on. Shag on. Yeah. It's made clearly fine with her. She's into you. If I shagged your ex-girlfriend, would you be happy about it? It's been a long time shagged your ex-girlfriend would you be happy about it it's been a long time

like but would you be happy about it I'd be happy about it but I'd be like whatever I don't think you would I would it's been 12 years what about if it was

Sereka what about if it was Sereka in a year no why you broke up as well by the way it's not just

next year I shag you I'd say fuck on. No, no. Why? Why is that different? Because I'm not this person. I'm a... I mean, anonymous. Stephen, where do you stand on the other people's XX?

The OPP, X-O-P-P. The vibe I got from the email and the length of it is uh he knows it's wrong just constantly you know trying to clear his conscience as he waffles and waffles you know um i'd say i'd say just fuck off uh blake um and and think on yeah. There's so many women out in the world. Go to one of my exercise classes. Please. Yeah.

But yeah, just, just pathetic. He's just, I hate that. Anyone who gets close to a female and then just stays around

afterwards. I'm so happy that you've stayed around my ex-girlfriend. Fuck off. Yeah, I feel like he made that bit up yeah he's made up he's made up every time i see him he he sets up a party proper and he goes that's for you and her thanks so much because she was really upset when i dumped her but thanks so much for being her friend here's a 50 pound pizza express 50 pound pizza take her out again yeah yeah

I don't think his mate's into it but I think he should do it anyway I honestly think you can't be banging your mate's ex really it's but it's

come on there's so many more options yeah just fancy someone else what if it's real true love of course and that's what they're going to say innit

but er do you want to fuck that's real love I'd be fuming if Stephen also she sounds gay as well by the way

if that's true do you want to fuck we went out for drinks and we sat down she was like so how's your mum are we going to fuck she didn't say

anything else he just sat down he went to say hello she went are we going to fuck openly listen I'm no d*** but I don't know

what to do here I think I think Finn's got the answers for us yeah oh his head's fallen clean off why are you doing this

to yourself I don't know the only person who suffers is you future me hates me but now me loves it it's you editing it. Actually, we can't say ****.

One thing we can't say is ****. Harry, when you send me the prep, you literally have to take the names out if it says at the end. Did Harry write this or did **** write it? Oh, no, no, it's annoying. I'm sorry, Future Carl. I'll just call him ****

that sounds **** just a role play well that was a audio mess wasn't it last bit of advice Steve says

this isn't for **** we haven't heard from **** in months you started this bit you started the bit yeah yeah yeah i was slipping it into quiet bit you's a fucking put it in combo mate uh steve says i'm just leaving in i will just leave now you can't well shut, you can't. Well, shut up then. You can't. Steve says... What does Steve say? Advice, I think.

You need advice from me. That's the last one. It's your last one. It's defo not. Advice, I think. I'm a bloke. And that's it. Let's call it...

A few years back in college you're gonna have to start again steve says stop it now steve says advice i think i'm a bloke a few years back in college i went back to a classmate's house after a night out there were loads of us they're all drinking and whatnot end of the night comes and i settled down on the couch for a kip, classmate comes out and says you can sleep in my bed I didn't want to because she was rotten but the couch was small so I said fine I got into bed

she tried to get me out of my clothes I refused saying I was comfy in that long story short I'm comfy in that I'm story short, I'm comfy in that. I'm comfy in that. I'm comfy in that. No, no, no. Long story short,

she demanded a cuddle. That's the most virgin answer. I'm comfy. I've got my PJs on. I like this belt. Belt? With his PJs. These are my favourite jeans

get off get off my favourite jeans I've got my Timberlands on I'm comfy shut up she demanded a cuddle which turned into a handjob

which turned I don't know that move UFC move that's a bad one whoa there I don't know how you nan cuddled, but... She demanded a cuddle. She had, like, Finn.

Which turned into a handjob, which turned into a blowjob. Wow. She's a supple woman, eh? That's like her taking a back in UFC. This doesn't sound very subtle at all. Supple, not subtle. I thought that was the joke. Don't ask me, my dick's a prick.

I wanted none of it, but felt like if I stopped her, then a row would ensue, followed by who knows what, kicked out on the street, et cetera. So she fired away figuratively and I literally... Come.

Go on. she fired away figuratively and i literally come go on so i she fired away and figuratively and i literally that's the end of the sentence so my quandary um it must be fired away no i get it she fired and i literally as in he come right he's just's just more common. Oh, sorry. So she fired away, figuratively, and I, literally. Right, sorry, I misread that. So my quandary, was I sexually assaulted? I mentally didn't want it to happen, but she made it happen.

I'm not traumatized, but it was defo not my choice. And that is from Stee. Got sucked off at a party? We went in for a cuddle, officially. And then ended up getting sucked off at a party. We went in for a cuddle, officially. And then ended up getting sucked off. I don't want to use the term sexually assaulted

because I don't think in many cases they go to bed with them because the couch is too small, you know? That won't wash with me, Stee. But it does sound like a bit of a nightmare. A bit of a people pleaser is Steve. Suck me off to completion, I want to make friends. I don't want to rout or disturb the other party goers.

You knew what you were doing there. I don't think you can get sucked off against your will. You just piss. Oh, there. Get off. You couldn't suck my dick if I didn't want you to no I couldn't let's see

let's see that's a patron special 30k what's Carl's doing he's standing up he's just in the background Prince Andrew

Adam down in Plum Bay hey it's a fucking it's like the plums and steven opening for you hey the crowd's just not having any of it now i've ruined the evening no i don't think you can get sucked off against you well i think he's very complicit in this yeah it's regretting it yeah regret doesn't make it rape let's go on like you've gone I don't really want to do this

but I will get in a bed oh I don't really want to get naked but I did get naked oh I don't really want a handjob but she's giving me a handjob and oh I don't really want to but she's sucking me off and then I fucked her

and I was like oh I didn't like that I think I might have been assaulted he's made he's made three or four conscious decisions there yeah it makes it rape happy

and break by McFloodies I still love that line it's so good for conscious decisions there. Yeah. It makes it very poppy and break by McFlurries. I still love that line. It's so good. That's one of my favourite all-time Adam Rogers. Not only does it put weight on me, but it makes me poo very quickly. Yes, D.

I do. Yeah. Hang on. Not very supple, Adam. No, it's Carly. Sutt. Aye. Yeah. Hang on. Not very supple, Adam. No, it's... Kyle, it's... Sut. Aye. Shut up, Steve.

That's it. I hate all the other prep. Have you not gone with the rated R rated? It's all meh. Stephen, have you got any simple pleasures? A simple pleasure of mine is... when I get some blueberries

from Morocco sort of lost touch with the working man just blueberries Moroccan oh what a simple pleasure yeah what do you have

for breakfast Stephen oh hello ooh don't clip this it was porridge I like it thick my mate he loves he loves cheers Don't clip this. It was porridge. I like it thick. My mate... He loves chia seeds. I say, none of that, please, because it goes through me.

Simple pleasure would have to be just needing a poo than going for one. You know, it's right by me. And sometimes you don't realise that until you need a poo and you're nowhere near a toilet. Yeah, I'm pretty woke. Be within a poo's distance of a toilet yeah that's lovely being within a what a poo's distance like you need a poo and you can just go and have a poo right that's a funny way of measuring that distance isn't it a poo's distance

that's a cow's opinion it's me that's the end of the episode, ladies and gentlemen. Can't end on that. Stephen, we're all looking forward to your stand-up special. That'll be out when we hit 30k patrons. Yeah, if you could just slow down. One episode a week would be good. Maybe a month.

I'll just keep coming on as a guest and slow this thing down. Tickets for Dublin. We're playing Vicar Street on July the... Something. Eighth. Sixth. It's the sixth. slow this thing down tickets for Dublin we're playing Vicar Street on July the something 8th 6th it's the 6th 6th

haveawordlive.com come and see me do my previews danspreviews.com it's the Wednesday the 28th tickets are available in June

in Northerndon I've never seen you two live haven't you no I should do well I've seen Adam live but I was I was technically performing so I wasn't listening.

Sorry, Adam. Come and see our tours. It was many years ago. Come and see our tours. We're on tour in the autumn. I should do. I really should.

Adam Road, I've got the UK for tickets. Thank you. Good night, you guys. I've got a good bit if you want a warmer face. Thursday,

the 8th of June, we're in Newcastle. Thursday, the 6th of July, Dublin. Saturday, the 15th of July, Glasgow in Newcastle Thursday the 6th we're in Dublin Saturday the 15th of July

Glasgow song at the end why not a Thursday for Glasgow what why not a Thursday for Glasgow no we go big

in fucking Glasgow we would have liked four Saturdays ideally but we just couldn't make that work Stephen and on the audio it comes down to the availability of us

and the theatres have you got a song done yeah we've got a song I was going to say we should sing one song for the end of the episode is by the Dead Stilettos

and it's called Love is Extinct it's not available on YouTube because of licensing but on the audio podcast we play out with a song if you'd like to be featured

as an unsigned band or you've just got mates who are musicians avowordpod at gmail.com Stephen could I dedicate this song please yeah please this one's for you going through a rough time avowordpod at gmail.com Stephen could I dedicate this song please yeah

please this one's for you going through a rough time your mate and his ex you started it Carl well I started it but you fucking took it on the next

and what's coming to you Thank you. How'd you like to? Well, find it in a restaurant A pub or a bar Well, find it in your galley Or the back of your car Stare at the square Find a love in your life Your dead man or husband Your weak, long wife We'll be right back. Keep it in your pocket

You're up on your mind Love is so old So let's leave it behind Don't stop watching The one I saw Scatting freaky In the toilet After watching the band

11, 6, 8, 9 Love is extinct and it doesn't stand So are we looking at the blue square Love is extinct and it doesn't stand So are we looking at the blue square Love is extinct and it just isn't there So I went looking at the blue square Love is extinct, it just isn't there So come with us for heaven's sake I see fear

But you just don't care I'm screaming out of my mind But I'm just in despair And I don't break out I find myself again I just never saw What I'd like to I'm out. you