Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #23 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

Adam will add his top5 list later, but enjoy this belter of an episode. Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here and you can't catch Corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a few

quid for the delivery and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time. Sign up now at beer52.com slash word that's our exclusive link that's b-e-e-r-5-2 dot com slash w-o-r-d you'll claim your free case

of beer and for every person that signs up via that link only they slide us a little bit of money that supports the podcast it helps us out it's win-win so do us a

favour pause the pod here go and do that now and then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man

Okie dokie Picking up okie Good morning Jump seekers Oh my god Ok it's happening Catch me outside How about that

Is that Dave No There's no uncle Dave here Ok Who the fuck is that guy Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word, Shut Down Dailies. Let's get through this mess together.

Hi babes. Hi baby baby how are you i'm super thanks for asking i've just been a little walk around my daughter can't work gravity and she fell over 19 fucking times to the point where you're like i've loved this this is great. Why is it difficult? I know you're three, but we need to fucking sharpen up on the falling over. She looks at you like, how the fuck did that happen? Same as it happened the last 18 times.

You're not looking. Yeah, but she's only a toddler. They're called toddlers for the reason because they don't walk, they toddle. I think she's past the toddle stage. I think she needs to be walking. If she can basically tell me what to do and ask for it and whinge and go, Daddy, I don't walk, they toddle. I think she's past the toddle stage. I think she needs to be walking. I mean, if she can basically tell me what to do and ask for it and whinge and go,

Daddy, I don't want that, she can also stand up without falling over. She's just, it just got excessive. But the fresh air, the walking around the woods, pretending to be a Gruffalo, scaring her, love that. That has been good for my body and soul. How the fickity fuck are you, Road Dogg millionaire?

Well, I haven't spoke to Jade for about 12 hours. We had an argument last night and she went for a drive and didn't get back till five in the morning. Oh my God. Where did she drive to? What? Where did she drive to?

She just went out. I don't know. I haven't spoke to her. She just went out. Now, do you want to talk about it or oh yeah sure i mean it wasn't that bad we'll be fine later on today okay it's just like it's just another it's a corona fight isn't it it's you know what i'm in a bad mood and you're the only person in a three mile radius so i'm gonna take it out on you and who started it go on be honest we you know this

is a safe place because she's not listening all right okay so i'll whisper but it was fucking here she's a lunatic yeah yeah crazy she went off on one about what um you can't remember can you yeah i can't it, can you? Yeah, I can. It was because... Did you try and fuck the leg of lamb? It was because my hard drive is formatted for my MacBook Pro. So it would work on a laptop. Okay? And that was it.

Why is that? Right. Okay, God, that is a classic. I don't know why I'm whispering. I just started whispering through. Do you know what I mean? Because it was like... It's like when Etta's trying to get to sleep

and someone rings me. It is me. Yeah, yeah. When someone rings and I'm like, Etta's going to bed. Bed, I've just got to be quiet. And they're like, all right, sorry.

I'm like, Jesus Christ. You're not that loud. You can talk normally in our bed. Oh, God, I've just done the same thing to you. So it's basically a hard drive formatting argument it's not what you want to split up about is it no but yeah she she just she went out for a drive i think she wants me to stop her but i was just like i'm going i'm starting the engine i'm turning out of the drive oh fuck it i'm on the motorway

like the first thing i thought of was I can have volume on me porn. If she's out for an hour, I can have full blast pornography. Oh, yeah, man. That was great. Oh, it's so true. When everyone goes away for the weekend, you're like, you're going to be all right on your own.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to have a really loud porn wank in the living room. And that's my living room. I had a hotel wank in the comfort of my own bed. I actually feel, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always feel a little bit disturbed in a hotel room because I'm like, I just expect to hear some family that are in town for a wedding like, Daddy, what are the noises coming from next door?

Here, I know where the quiet spots are right so how long was she driving for just before we moved on I just I need to know she went out about half one and come back about half four fucking hell yeah I got through some porn hub premium no wonder you've not slept

properly literally it I was up to about five and then tried to get asleep Pornhub Premium. No wonder you've not slept properly. Fuck it. Literally it. I was up till about five and then tried to get to sleep. Signed up to Pornhub Premium. Wow, someone's doing all right. That's free at the minute. What?

They've made Pornhub Premium free. Oh, that's how they get you. That was the Netflix idea. We literally said that three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Netflix should do that three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Netflix should do that because no one will ever go back. Yeah.

It's fantastic. You get full-length movies. You get the story. You get the emotional background. It's not just fucking straightening her ass and coming on her face. Oh, no. You know why she's there, what she does for a living. Big wide-angle shots.

CGI. James Cameron. Big blue avatar dicks floating by i'd want wes anderson directing mine if i was paying for my poor i haven't paid for porn in my fucking life in a land where the plumbers have nine inch cocks Jurassic Dick Jurassic Park Jurassic Park Jurassic Park if that's not already a porn film it should be Jurassic Cock

yeah Jurassic Park's better I think we're wasting what are we doing? Your-astic Park Your-astic Park oh yes I think we're way... What are we doing? Your Aztec Park. Your Aztec Park. Oh, yes! Fucking big CGI dick. See, because it's the tune, but it's like sex noises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing how you make singing gross for me in so many different ways i love song i love music but i'm starting to not enjoy it can we tell everyone about what happened to me last night what happened to you last night um uh one of our listeners kate tagged me into a sophie anderson tweet and sophie and Anderson got right on board and was like, alright Dan, you're right, you fucking ledge. And I was like, hey, my night's peaked. And she was like, yeah, let's wank

together. And I told Laura, and I was like, Laura, it's so funny, you know that pause I told you about? It was like, I'm going to get fucking dick-ficked. And I was like, look, she's just tweeted at me. And Laura's like, that's awful. What? And it turns out, my wife, who's got a very, very good sense of humour, does not enjoy me tweeting at porn stars.

No, she had no humour for it. She had no humour. You know, I was also in a really weird spot because I tweeted and you were like, oh my God, Sophie Anderson, that porn star from the... And you were like tweeting about it. And then people were like, oh my God, there's so many. She was like, yeah, don't just too soon. And we were doing loads of Twitter porn banter as Etta was going,

Daddy, will you tell me a story? And I was, I was in my daughter's bed, in her tunnel bed. And I was like, what I do, what I do is I go, what do you want to dream about, darling? And she goes, and she went, I want to dream about ice skating. And I was like, right, imagine you're ice skating and the wind's whooshing through your hair and it's outside and it's cold and i was looking up and a porn star was like all right dan don't just too quickly i was like okay and i was like oh this is the weirdest yin and yang of like the most innocent beautiful thing ever and then sophie anderson being all right don't jizz on yourself i was like okay just i'm just gonna babe i'm just gonna retweet this now anyway. Nice, Kate.

Oh God, it's just the perfect juxtaposition of being a dad and a fucking podcast knob. So for anyone who's missed an episode or two, I think it was two episodes ago, we were talking about, there's a West country porn star called Sophie Anderson, who, and we were just taking the piss out of British accents in porn.

She now follows us and it's all because of our listener Kate who's an absolute ledge for yeah yeah yeah she's sorted us out there, sorry Katie she's called Katie, she's on Twitter and she tagged me in without that

alright Dan can I tell you a secret? I've emailed Sophie Anderson to see if she wants to be a guest. What? Don't tell Laura. Don't tell... She was like, why are you doing that? I was like, because it's funny.

Because it's funny, isn't it? She's like, I know, but she's got... You don't like that, do you? I was like, no. No. No. No, I like the sex me and you have can I just run a possible

drop by you because I think we've nasty bitch disgusting we've got them all these are becoming classics you didn't like cash me outside that's got bad memories for you can we throw in there I want to get totally dick fecked I really want to add Sophie Anderson to our

drop board really think 100% I'm want to add Sophie Anderson to our drop board. I really think. 100%. Oh, excellent. Right. I'm going to try and get that off Twitter. I want to get totally fucking dick fucked. It's not that I didn't like Cash Me Outside. It's that you were using it out of context consistently. Yeah. I just got

excited because I got a new button. Yeah. Oh, Sophie Anderson. And then I was like, oh oh god i hope she didn't listen to that episode we were like oh yeah well fucking idiot they sound crap don't they then it's and i'm like oh god she's got 70 000 followers retweet babes retweet don't listen just retweet yeah that would be good i'd love a porn star on just to ask some questions really yeah and have it in that accent for the whole time yeah when you're in porn like people just get you in a room and then there's like 19 dicks and they're all coming at your face and

you're like is it is it check to follow is it is it or is it cash on the night i don't understand i bet there's so many comparisons between porn i bet there's like porn hacks who are like oh mate don't work for them they don't pay very well and like right and then we're gonna do this and you're like oh god like everyone else does and then there'll be some really alternative like stewart lee pornographers like yeah stick your dick in the shoe i don't know i'd love to know behind you know i don't really want to know about the industry and then we've not got to tell my wife that that happened that's got to be private little does laura not listening to every episode now is she getting behind she's a little bit behind and she's

not going to enjoy this in eight days when she catches up randomly she's trying to work at home in the other room i'll hear what the fuck all right looks like i'm going for a midnight drive see you later do you know what i did last night? Apart from have a very loud shout, Hotel Wang. I tried some of the beers that Beer 52 sent me. To our sponsor, Beer 52, they sent me me eight free beers. Mate, they're fucking unreal.

I know by the time when people are listening to this, they've already heard the adverts at the start of the show, but if you're into your beers, mate, I'm telling you, go and use our offer and get yourself eight free beers because they're fucking wonderful well i've been i haven't drunk yet on the shutdown i've not been boozing since that fateful night in leicester if you listened about 10 episodes back i got absolutely steaming in leicester and i haven't been the same emotionally since and uh i'm now ticking over to that i just need a booze i want we mentioned it

yesterday i just want a bit of a booze. So I might, yeah, I'm going to get the beer 52 in. That's nice though, isn't it? Tomorrow night, isn't it? We're going to do Instagram live.

Are we, are we really? Yeah. I really feel I'm going to let you down on that. I've been going to bed about 8.30 at night. So you've been going to bed about 8.30 in the morning. Day drinking. In the morning.

As soon as we finish, we'll start on the pod, just start drinking. Yeah. My, my body clock is a bizarre. I'm getting up super early. Like you messaged me and you're like, as soon as we finish we'll start on the pod just start drinking yeah my uh my body clock is bizarre I'm getting up super early

like you messaged me and you're like oh I've not really been to bed I'm like we are basically this is like the start of your day and this is getting towards the end of mine

I'm such a fucking grandad aren't I such a grandad except does your grandad tweet porn stars no I'm up at 5.30 I have an hour for me

that's my time just me and that 5.30. I have an hour for me. That's my time. Just me. And that's what I do. I have me ready break. Have a bit of me pipe. And then the kid gets up. I tweet a porn star. And then I'm off to bed.

Cup of cocoa. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it? I had a bit of a Twitter beef before. God, you've been starting some shit. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it? I had a bit of a Twitter beef before. Oh, God, you've been starting some shit. And you seem like in quite a chipper mood with me. But you're starting shit with Jade. Who's going down on Twitter?

I'm not going to say her name because it's another comic. Don't want to be slagging comics off. She did a video for Joe. You know, like the social media conglomerate Joe? Yes. About people making jokes at the expense of elderly people during the coronavirus and said that it was hate speech. And I was like, no, it's not. Hate speech is a crime and a joke is a joke.

I'm fucking done with comedians calling other comedians fucking criminals. It really, really really really pissed me off well Adam it's not like it's going to go away it's going to get worse and worse and worse and then you're going to get older and then younger crowds are going to look at you going god you're nearly 40 you can't

say this sort of thing and it's so fucking painful you're like I am not the fucking problem there's so many so many and obviously it's easy to be like oh you're offensive we know the rules and you don't but you're like yeah but if you draw the battle lines too close to fucking cunty you just you you're forcing so many normal people with a good sense of humor into like the almost like the alt-right and we're not alt-right we've just got a fucking sense of humor you know the other like the alt-right and we're not alt-right, we've just got a fucking sense

of humour. You know the other day I can't remember whether I mentioned this to you but the other day, so the Manchester City, right said that they were opening up the Etihad their stadium so that the NHS can use it during the pandemic fucking amazing thing to do. Yeah, you made

a joke. I tweeted it and said, uh, this is an extraordinary effort to, to finally fucking fill the place. Right now. It's a football joke. Yeah. There's long history of man city, not selling out their games.

Right. Just a bit of, just a bit of jokey rivalry banter. So, and I do a lot of 40 stuff like that. And I, most of the people who follow me from, who support all sorts of different clubs know that that's what I do. I'm a wind-up.

It's just comedy. I'm just having a fuck around. Someone replied, someone who follows me replied and said, it's not the time to make this joke. I was like, it's the only time to make this joke. You can't make this joke if the pandemic isn't happening. Also,

I bet they've not been listening to the podcast. They might follow you on Twitter. I don't think they're listening to the podcast. They might follow you on Twitter. I don't think they're listening to the podcast because I don't think they get through 18 seconds of any of our episodes since the coronavirus hit. It's not the time for joking. Well, we should have shut this fucker down then. Also, what I don't get is like,

what do you think that joke's going to do? Do you think that joke is going to mean that Man City changed their minds? And do you think that joke is gonna mean that man city changed their minds and and they don't do you think it's gonna infect more people all a joke does is make a few people laugh if you're not one of them then suck a dick and fuck off not asked yeah but it's not even about it's not even about whether the joke is funny or not it's just about this new culture in the last four or five years of everyone having to be more virtuous than the next person and signal signal those virtues so it's just any opportunity because you've got a

bit of a following on twitter to be like oh oh no hey no now i know you're a comedian like if you were an mp if you work for a charity if you were like the deputy head of a primary school then it's a bit different isn't it? Because your role in society is very different you're a piss taking comedian you play to semi-drunk people of an evening and you take you're not making any money

from anything wholesome or family based, it's bit 52 at a comedy club in Vauxhall you cannot, you cannot expect comedians to do anything but they're going to do so if you don't like it unfollow and don't be the cunt that labels hate speech non-hate speech because then what happens is when actual hate speech happens and people go whoa that's hate speech all of those douchebag racist fucking knobheads get to go ah you're always calling

everything hate speech. Exactly. Which is why the battle line needs to be drawn at the right place. Know what is hate speech, what is racism, what is nasty sexism and all of that stuff. And then for everything else, be able to be an adult and judge what's a joke. A joke inherently can't be hate speech because hate speech's intent is to cause hate. A joke's intent is to cause a laugh.

That's all it's for. A comedian, me on stage going, hey, the coronavirus is only going to affect old people and it's about time we got rid of some of them anyway, innit? Whether you find that funny or not, it's a joke. It's not hate speech. It can't be classified as that. If I was running for fucking office,

if I was... You know what that's different about that though there are some racist comedians probably not proper from our industry but so if a comedian from like the i don't know if there's like an undercurrent racist circuit uh like if he was like i'll tell you what coronavirus just just wipe out some black people i mean that'd be all right wouldn't it it It's, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's just a joke. You're like, you can't hide behind, everything can't just, you can't hide behind everything's

a joke. You can't go, oh no, that's a joke. That is actual hate speech. Absolutely, but that's because historically there's a disenfranchisement of ethnic minorities in this country. Old people are not fucking a marginalised group. If if anything they've

had the fucking best of everything they got cheap house prizes you can buy a house for three quid back in the 70s they've had all the fish and they voted the side of fucking europe like yeah i'm absolutely on but i think it's a great joke as long as you're talking about white old people oh only white old people yeah yeah and then if you're talking about old people from an ethnic minority i think honestly i think it's a bit rich actually don't don't enjoy that kind of humor no we need chinese old people black nanas don't do jokes about black nanas what did you say i was singing black nanas it was worth it it was worth it to miss it i don't know what was said but i was singing black nanas go on sorry worth it. It was worth it to miss it. I don't know what was said, but I was singing Black Nanas.

Go on, sorry. I said, we need to keep all the old Chinese people alive. And you were like, yeah. And I said, for films. Can I just say that it's... Upset me, nasty bitch. Hate speech, you know, real hate speech. Black Nanas.

Oh, there's some touchy little fuckers out there these days isn't there and if you're one of them and you listen go i've guys i really feel such a view is appalling and it is it is sexist and you and you have drops that say nasty bitch and bitch is a hateful sexist hate word and you're like and you make jokes about race and you're like if you cannot be a grown-up and see what is malicious and what is just us being knobheads then that's fine you can call us out because there's enough people who get it who know who can who can judge as a fucking adult what's right and what's wrong and i tell you what if the future looks like that like um hi guys here's some of my jokes um everyone's absolutely equal and i believe in fairness for all good night then fucking sign me out of the edinburgh festival well the thing is

though that is what i think that's what i think i think fairness for all and we yeah but you don't do bits about that shit you don't do the bits about it that. You don't do the bits about it. That's not funny to say. That's not funny to say. I did a routine in my, in not, not my current tour show, my last one about how my girlfriend isn't the one. Yeah. But then I'm glad that she's not.

Cause imagine the pressure of being with the one and knowing if you lose her, it's all downhill from here. So I'm quite happy that Jade's the four. Yeah. Cause I know if she fucks off there's three people out there that i can find very long routine not true that's not what i feel like but it's funny to say that isn't it it's funny to say that then to go i'm in love isn't she amazing it's like that's not funny it's funny you're playing with ideas on your bed yeah yeah you're playing with

ideas also what i find funny is with stand-up is when you tell something through the prism of your life people like oh that is an awful thing to say you're like oh just because i'm just because i'm like like i'm basically showing it as an idea and like telling you about something in my life doesn't mean that they are actually beliefs i hold like people find that very like i can't believe you said that and you're like i can because it's a comedic performance you see what it says behind me it says comedy club on the sign i'm on stage with a microphone i'm at the comedy club you paid to see comedy you didn't it's not it's not a fucking quiz is it but but comedians can still get it wrong and and that's fine to call that out yeah but they should be allowed to get it wrong, and that's fine to call that out. Yeah, they should be allowed to get it wrong.

And people on Twitter who say something fucking rank and then go, it's just a joke. You don't always get to hide behind, it's just a joke. But it's really about the people listening be able to go, oh, yeah, that's a nasty thing to say. That's just shit. That's neither funny. Even a shit joke is still a joke it still came from the same place

oh but then all fucking wanky hateful things can be hidden like you are still allowed to call out do you know what i mean do you understand what i mean like it can't no you can't have a a defense mechanism of it's just a joke it's just a joke for absolutely everything. People are allowed to react to something and go, that joke is dreadful, that joke is hateful, and that's not all right. I don't think a joke can be hateful. Right. I think it's actually a joke.

I don't think it's possible for a joke to be hateful. Right, okay, well... I think it's possible for someone to say something hateful and then, okay, well... I think it's possible for someone to say something hateful and then go, I was just joking when they weren't. But that's not what I'm talking about. Okay, yeah, that's what I'm talking about, them defending it as a joke. Yeah, yeah, no, that's

a lying, manipulative dickhead. That's an arsehole. So what you're saying is people need to be able to judge what is a joke and what's not. Yeah. And that's for the next episode of Have A Word Pod. Wow've started what have you i tell you what no sleep for you and a walk in the woods for me and we're taking it down we're taking the industry down society down twitter down i'm gonna continue to joke about this shit you know why because it's funny to do it's funny to do that rather than sit and wallow in self-hate.

I'm also, I can't wait for the first genuine complaint email. Because what, we're 20 odd, 25 episodes in nearly. Someone will ring up an email going, I thought it was awful when you said that Adam's dog was anti-Semitic. Because my nana died and she was Jewish. And dogs do not feel anti-semitism and i'm still waiting for that one and i'm going to read it out it'll be the start of that fucking episode when we get some bell whiff going good and then i'll get my dog on the podcast and we'll get a picture of like i don't

know adam sandler up or something and see if she barks with a little swastika lead should we do some fucking features uh yes let's crackety crack the fuck on send in your questions and suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. It's time for Top 5 with Adam and Dan. Okie doke. We're doing a Top 5, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we are terrible for sort of saying we're going to do stuff.

We should stop doing that, by the way. We should just do the stuff and not go, tell you what, everyone watch Tiger King because we're going to talk about it tomorrow or the day after, ten days later. No, we're not doing that. Not everyone's got Netflix, don't know what you're on about. But we've actually come good with Top 5.

You've been fucking hyping it up. And here we are. We've had people sending them in, but we've gone for the original one we mentioned. Sorry, Adam, I interrupted. You did. Very rude that time. That was hate speech, me interrupting. Hate speech, yeah, yeah. Made me hate you. So that was

speech that caused hate? Yeah, that's true. So there you go. Hate speech. An actual crime. So, I've done what i said i was gonna do and got me top five stand-up specials ever uh it was hard i've got some honorable mentions as well you've done something slightly different haven't you yeah well let's do yours first and then we'll get to mine okay you don't want to tell people what you've done you're holding it back? I've got top five racist comedy specials because a joke cannot be racist, okay? So go on to www.edl.co.uk.

They won't use.com for obvious reason. No, I've done my favourite five specials that are available for free online because I thought this might be a slightly annoying feature if you're like, yeah, I fucking love the idea of watching Nate Bargatze but I don't have Netflix. If you haven't got Netflix, then fucking

what are you doing with yourself during this pandemic? I'm trying to get through a difficult time, dickface. Everyone has Netflix. I've got it, I'm not a fucking knobhead, but some people don't and they might hate you for saying that, so that was hate speech, and you should be cancelled.

They're in no particular order, but I have got five, okay? Oh, that's controversial. Yeah. I'm gonna start with the oldest one, which is Richard Pryor live in concert. Yeah.

Another one I'm talking about? I do, yeah. He's got a red shirt on, couple of top buttons undone. This was the first... By the way, if anyone does want to go and check it out, this one is on Netflix. It's called Richard Pryor live in concert

and you want to look for the one where he's got a red shirt on stage. And if you don't want to watch it on Netflix, if you haven't got Netflix, it is free online as well. It's one of mine. I think every comedian loves this special it's all time great in it well the thing is with it if it was if it came out today it would still be phenomenal it's still relevant bang on the morning comedy do you know i mean it's not like aged at all it's it would

fit in as a modern classic if it came out today immediately and richard prior is a hero to so many comedians isn't he an absolute like all you hear burr and louis ck and joe rogan he's held up as one of the all-time american masters because he is it's fucking it's flawless it's absolutely brilliant he's the about heart attacks, when he goes, he literally portrays his heart fucking him over by going, oh, you think you're going to... Should have thought about that when you were eating all that pork. Yeah, like, to do a routine about having a heart attack and make it piss your parents' people falling off their chairs funny.

The bit about his wife trying to steal the car. There's so like hard-hitting real life bits in it um the bit that i always remember from this special though is not like one of those routines it's just a silly bit this was this was actually the first stand-up special i ever seen ever i was about nine ten years old how fucking cool is that that's, it's like, that's two, that's like having your first ever album be, what's the story morning glory and not like some shit like snap or go on. I'm annoyed. My mom was watching it.

So when, when my mom and dad split up, uh, when I was a kid, what would, what would happen is we, me and my brother would be sent to bed at the same time. But,

uh, as soon as he went to sleep I could come and watch the telly with my mum she just wanted a bit of company I think and she was watching this and I'd never

seen my mum laugh like the way she laughed at this and the bit that I always remember because she fell apart laughing it was one of the

because I was so young it was one of the most it was the easiest one for me to get do you know what I mean because it's adult comedy it's the routine about his wife taking a piss in the woods.

Do you know the routine I'm talking about? When he's like, we're walking through the woods and she's like, I'm going to have to go for a wee behind the tree. And he's like, I'll wait until she gets mid-flow so she can't stop.

And then he's like, somebody's coming! That would work today in any comedy club. If you had that bit in your set today it would still work you watch some that's from 1979 or is it 77 something like yeah it's one of them it's older than me and i'm old and those bits would still work done properly by a good comic yeah it's uh yeah richard pryor live in concert one of the all-time greats. What else you got in your top fizzles? Okay, where are we going to go

next? I reckon, so this is the three of my five are sort of either recent or I've got into them since I started comedy. So this is the only other one that I knew of before I got into

stand-up, myself, and it's is the only other one that I knew of before I got into stand-up. Myself. And it's also the only British one. Oh, I can't say that. He's not British. He's Irish. Any Irish people on, I'm sorry. He lives in Britain. This is Dylan Moran. Monster.

You seen it? Yeah, we've talked about it. Yeah. I've watched this, I reckon 50 plus times. It might even be 100. It's the only sort of one from the British Isles in my top five.

You really... You just call it Ireland. Just say Ireland. People from Ireland do not appreciate, oh, we're from the British Isles, are we? Go fuck yourself. We're from the island of Ireland. I can't believe I called it British. I'd rather be Irish than British.

That's such an American thing. When I listen to American podcasts, they're like, oh my God, yeah, you know in England, you know, because Scotland's in England. You're like, careful. I've got Irish family on my dad's side and they live in Dublin and they listen to this podcast

and I know they're going to be texting me in a bit going you're fucking kidding me we're not fucking British you cheeky fucker oh Jesus that's not going to go down well Darren Dobler

but it's so it's just so silly Irish it looks like the drunken ramblings of your uncle at a funeral this special he's just like it looks like all theunken ramblings of your uncle at a funeral this special it looks like all the thoughts are unplanned

and disconnected but they're so not it's so his discombobulated is way more enjoyable for me than Eddie Izzard's with Eddie Izzard it just creeps into like get the fuck on with it the height of his powers was a funny

discombobulated yeah and my favorite bit in this one is uh how different alcoholic drinks affect you like you've got like vodka which is like it's very subtle vodka because it's like oh what's this is pointless you can't taste it you can't smell it i mean what why are we on a traffic island that's such a great line and whiskey makes you go up to people makes you go up to

complete strangers and goes no no come into my house for god's sake have something have my bed and it makes you go up to people

you've known and loved your entire life and say get the fuck out of my house and leave a tip I love it is that how you say his surname I always say Moran

is that wrong Dylan Moran it's Dylan Moran it's Moran yeah I used to say Dylan Moran and then I got educated on the history of Irish culture Dan you mean British Isles

Irish culture hello there Dublin hello to Adam's family in Dublin you'd be writing thinking who the fuck is that guy that's your cousin that's your fucking cousin

he's my favourite British UFC fighter as well Conor McGregor yeah Dylan Moore and Monster that's on YouTube as well you can go and check that out it's about an hour and a half long it's a fucking long special and it's start to finish hilarious I think now

we're getting into the more modern ones. Bill Bear is obviously going to land in my top five and I think I love Bill Bear's entire back catalogue but I've plumped for Let It Go

which is on YouTube which is one of his earlier ones. I think it's between this and I'm Sorry You Feel That Way as Bill's top specials, which is his black and white one, which is on Netflix. But Let It Go, it's sort of before he was as enormous as he is now. And he murders, like murders, completely destroys the place in a way that I've never really seen over an hour. murders, completely destroys the place in a way that I've never really seen over an hour.

I've seen you at the Frog and Bucket do what he does, but for 20 minutes on a club set on a weekend. He keeps a club set energy up for the entire length of this special. It's hard to do that. It's phenomenal.

To keep it building and not go too big too quick it's oh and my favorite bit in it is uh how being a mother is not the most difficult job on the planet so he's like i was watching oprah winfrey with me me missus and oprah winfrey is like introducing a guest she's like she's done this she's done that and she does the most difficult job on the planet she's a mother and then he spends 5-10 minutes just deconstructing the idea that being a mother is a difficult job

it's like there's so many more jobs I thought Rufin is a redhead in July but apparently sitting around in your jammies putting DVDs into DVD players I don't know how they do it is that is that the one where he does the um uh watching like black history films and in the end

you just you run out of white guilt and like it feels like they've done so many all right that's why do i do this that's one of my absolute favorite bill burbitts like i just what they're all the way they've even done like cuba goodr bits. They're all the way. They've even done Cuba Gooding Jr. and Diving all the way down to ping pong. They were the first black ping pong team. You're going to steal the paddles. Denzel Washington.

Oh, funny as fuck. Who else have you got? Billy Burr. Billy Red Bulls. Oh, Jesus. Right, two left. I'm going to go now with Patrice O'Neill, elephant in the room.

You want it? Have you seen it? I have, yeah. It's been a wee while since I've seen old Patrice. Yeah? Was this not on your radar? No, it's not one of my favourites. I like Patrice O'Neill.

I like him more as a radio guy. I think his stand-up's fine, but he gets held up as this absolute visionary and I watch it and I think he's just a really really good club comic I'm not as blown away by Patrice O'Neill's stand up as a lot of people I think it's really don't get me wrong really good but I don't think

he was I don't think he died before he could get as good as he was going to be. I think Elephant in the Room's great, but it looks to me like a very, very good headline set at a comedy club. I don't think it's as outstanding as some of these shows you've mentioned. I think you need to go back and watch it again. Maybe.

It's great on opening day, Anthony, though. To be honest with you, I think if I had to whittle this down to two, this would still be on my list. Well, I'd put it in the top two ever. I think he's just so unapologetically himself. Like,

there's no, there's zero filter at all. He's saying what he thinks is funny. And if you don't like it, he's not asked, which is something I herald as we've heard oh yeah i like his style i like his style it just doesn't have as i don't think the bits are as great as he's he's incredibly watchable and i love him on everything like all the podcasts

that i've heard it was before podcasting but like on ona which i was i got into after the fact but yeah i like it it's good it's just wouldn't never it would never be in my top five it's fucking unreal i think you mentioned that he was taken too soon like he was a fat black guy so i think it was the blood pressure that got him and he references it in the special now this is his only sort of full-length special and there's another one called HBO One Night Stand, which is also great. But he references in the special how old he is. He's like, I might be like 40,

but because I'm black, I'm 173 years old. God knows how good he could have become. Because for me, as I say, this is one of the best specials ever. And he comes out the gate with a joke about how do you know how valuable how you put a value on a woman is how long that you would look for them if they went missing yeah that's that is an absolutely amazing amazing bit about the white girls going missing yeah yeah um if you want to find out more about Patrice, just YouTube some of Bill Burr and Kevin Hart

telling stories about Patrice on podcasts because some of Bill Burr's stories, I mean, Bill Burr still does a fundraiser every year for Patrice's family, his missus, and all the people he's left behind that he was looking after. And they do that, and that's been going strong for like 10 years or so. Some of Bill Burr's stories about him and patrice and there's

the one about the transvestite when they're all outside the comedy cellar uh transvestite uh drag sorry a drag queen came out um is that hate speech um came over and patrice gave her some shit and he gave her some shit back and apparently there was loads of comedians around and they all stood back as patrice o'neill took on a drag queen and it was like the ultimate like like on street fucking roast battle like a grandmaster against like a fucking drag queen and some of those stories have really added to the legend of patrice because i think his stand-up alone might have got forgotten with his death a little bit like it's still very very good stand-up but i think his mates at the time have gone on kevin hart and bill burr and so many of his mates his best friends have have

gone on to be like legendary comedians they've kept his memory alive and on a pedestal. I've seen him on Facebook the other week. The head of stand-up at Netflix is a guy called Robbie Praw, and he used to run Just for Laughs in Montreal. I've got him on Facebook, and he posted a clip of Patrice O'Neill absolutely murdering her, Just for Laughs. He's like, I love this set because this was a year after I first booked Patrice. So this tells you everything about Patrice O'Neill's

attitude. He'd booked Patrice a year before and gone, right, it's going out on TV, so no swearing, keep it to this whatever, don't push things too far, it's got to be a TV-friendly set. Patrice went out, swore as often as he liked, did the routines he wanted to do

fucking murdered, destroyed the place but it wasn't broadcastable and he come off and just for laughs the biggest comedy festival on the planet which getting a TV spot at that is like career made back then they're like what the fuck are you doing but we can't broadcast any of that

and he's like hey you know what man you knew what I did, you know what my stuff is don't fucking book me if you don't fucking want it oh that's so good now every every comedian relates to that when you're like oh i'm like well we didn't really enjoy that you're like well why am i here then you've seen my shit on youtube where the fuck did you book me but then a year later he went back and behaved himself. It's still a classic Patrice set, but it adds to the legend as well.

Who's your number one? Who's the big dog? Who's made it? Who's top of the charts? Especially with, because there's quite a lot of comics who listen to this, and this special only came out last year. It's Dave Chappelle's Sticksappelle sticks and stones now divided opinion because it's a it's a it's a controversial show but it's called sticks and stones for a reason and i think if anyone hasn't seen this it was dave chappelle's fifth

special in three years eight minutes huh and it's about his fifth special in three years. In about eight minutes. Huh? In his fifth special in about eight minutes. Yeah. He started whipping him out. He comes out and he takes so many shots. He's talking about so many subjects in the most offensive way possible. He's literally trying to wind people up. But because he does that, it means you've either got to say the whole special,

you hate it all, or you've got to enjoy it all. Because there's so many, you can't just get offended by one bit because there's so much other stuff in it where you're like, well, you can't get offended by that and not by that. And I love how he sets it up.

It's so well put together. And when it came out, there was a lot of like blog pieces and people going, oh, this is a blah, blah, blah. I can't believe he's done this. Blah, blah, blah blah whatever either either heralding it or slagging it off and not one not one article that i read because i read a lot of them because i love this special so much not one of them mentioned the song he sings at the start and i've said this to a few

people um since this came out and even comics like like, I didn't even get onto that. So the special starts with the credits rolling, but you can hear Dave Chappelle. He's on stage, but you don't see him yet. You can just hear him. And he's singing a verse from 1999 by Prince, right? So it's, I don't think people realize that song is setting up everything he's about to do.

It sets up the whole show and the reaction to it. So he says, I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. When I woke up this morning, could have sworn it was judgment day. Sky was all purple, people running everywhere, trying to run from my destruction. You know, I didn't even care.

They say 2000 party over oops out of time but tonight i'm gonna party like it's 1999 now to to sort of the ill-informed or someone who doesn't know stand-up or doesn't analyze it to a nerdy level like me just seems like he's just picked a song to sing at the start of the show it's not that at all so he's starting with um i was dreaming when i wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. When I woke up this morning, could have sworn it was judgment day.

And I think what he's saying with that is I'm going to get judged for this. This is judgment day. I'm sorry if this goes all over the place, but I'm going to get judged for it. I'm going to say what I want, right? Sky was all purple. People running everywhere,

trying to run from my destruction. I don't even care. And what he said is people are going to lose their fucking minds about this. People are going to kick the fuck off and I'm going to disappear. He hasn't done one interview about this special. I'm going to go away because I don't care. I'm not asked. They say

2000, the party's over. Oops, out of time. But tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999. I think what he's saying there is you can't say anything anymore. It's the year 2000. You can't say anything. The party's over. You can't joke about anything.

But tonight, with this special and this show, I'm going to party like it's 1999 and say whatever the fuck I want. And that is literally what he does. And he's predicted not only what he's about to do, but also the reaction to the special I think it's a fucking phenomenal way to open a show yeah

okay it must be nice yeah it's like I can't disagree with you can I it's not there's a few points in it where I think sort of let it down as a special but there's some absolutely incredible in it where I think sort of let it down as a special but there's some absolutely

incredible points I think the LGBTQ lift share thing is a fucking undercooked bit I think that is the best bit is it fuck the best bit but maybe what do you think it's missing

that bit I don't know I just didn't enjoy I just felt it forced I felt like But maybe, maybe. What do you think it's missing? That bit? I don't know. I just didn't enjoy it. I just felt it forced. I felt like it's one of those ones where you're like, yeah, it feels like everyone's expecting you to do another bit about LGBT. And I just thought it was a really forced analogy and just didn't make me laugh that much.

I don't think it's his best special. I think equanimity's better. But, I mean, we're talking about two very good specials. I just didn't. I just, I don't know it's his best special. I think Equanimity's better, but I mean, we're talking about two very good specials. I just didn't, I just, I don't know. You know what? I watched that special and the song at the start, I didn't actually read as much into it as you've read into it,

but he's phenomenal. I sometimes watch guys like that and think, wouldn't it be amazing to perform to a crowd that is that tuned into your sense of humour already? Because we have to play to so many people like, it's Leanne's birthday and why did you say something like that? And it dilutes what you attempt with like a promoter. Promoters are like, oh yeah, we love comedy.

Promoters on the circuit love comedy that works and they don't like complaints. I mean, there's some that purport to be amazing fans of comedy what they mean is i really like you because you do a good job they don't really want some are honest enough to be like just don't want complaints just do a job they will literally take seven and a half out of ten all over the bill they don't want someone taking a risk and and pushing the the envelope but i watched guys like Chappelle and Bill Burr and even Segura, and I think, yeah, it's incredible

because you're afforded the right to push the envelope because you've found your audience through being brilliant. But sometimes I watch some of their bits and think, this would be better if you'd have tested it out in front of people who didn't worship you because I think it would have ironed out some of the faults in the thinking. And this is, from watching your tour show when I supported you, the height of your power is because your brain works the same way as Chappelle's and Burr's,

more so than mine, more so than nearly every comic on the circuit, but your reasoning is very strong because you do those bits in front of people who don't know who the fuck you are and it's all very well saying chapelle's sharp man because he goes to clubs and just does his set everyone knows and loves chapelle he walks around like a fucking demigod in the us and i watched that special and there was a couple of bits i think the car car share of the LGBT, where I was like, yeah, it's not bad stand-up, I'm not saying it's bad, but I think he's capable of far greater stand-up,

and I think it's because where does he find the place to sharpen the fucking sword edge? Because everyone's like, oh my God, it's Dave Chappelle, woo! And they just sort of worship him right from the off. He just, and that's not really his fault. Where can he go to really sharpen things in front of people like, well, I'm not that bothered about Chappelle. Whereas you, I watched that whole special, that tour of yours special.

I watched that whole tour show of yours. Every one of your bits is sharp because you've had to do them in front of people who don't know you at clubs and whatever. Well, I don't do anything in my tour show that doesn't work in a club. It's sort of a policy I've got. If it won't work in a comedy club, I'm not doing it in the hour. If you keep getting bigger, though,

where are you going to go? That's the problem, isn't it? Where do really famous acts go to get those bits? I think the only thing you can do when you get to their level is to do what they're doing and drop into comedy clubs because at least although you do get that whole oh my god it's just dave chappelle i think that it's the closest you can get to people not knowing you're not necessarily being a fan of yours i think he's so big i think he struggles to find that

he he he if he jumps into the store in LA, they're like, way! Yeah, but there'll still be 10% of that room who are like, I don't like him or whatever. It's still better

than putting a work in progress on when it's his own show. That's my five anyway. I think, I think the LGBT car routine is It's not.

It's not the best bit. The best bit in that whole special is that bit. What do you think the best bit is? To bit in that whole special is that bit. What do you think the best bit is? To be honest, I don't know the special in and out, but that really stuck out for me as not the best bit.

Oh, no, I love it. Well, that's the end of the podcast, and that was hate speech, disagreeing with me. So just before we crack on to yours, I've got a few honourable mentions. To be honest, I think we're going to have to do mine another day, mate, because this has been juice. It's been a fat one.

I think we should save mine for another day. Okay. That's on me. We'll do it whenever. Honorable mentions, just got a few because I couldn't fit them all into the five. There's more British ones here as well. An audience with Billy Connolly, which was like a TV special on ITV. Kevin Bridges' most recent DVD, the brand new tour it's called.

Great. Bill Bear, I'm sorry you feel that way. Eddie Murphy, Raw. Peter Kay, Bolton Albert Halls. Michelle Wolfe, her most recent special The Joke Show, and Bo Burnham, Make Happy. They're all brilliant. Go and check them out. I did top five sexual positions

because davina asked so just quickly i'll run through my top five sexual position at five um on your side and you're both a bit hungover and you just sort of start prodding her in her in her back and she's like oh fuck it go on then four missionary absolute honestly it's a classic three doggy it's exciting particularly over a desk i really enjoy that to her on top i'm old i'm fat i'd like her to do the work number one there is no number one because that's all the positions i can do at my age so that's it that is it one's just having a wank it's just easier in it you don't have to apologize my number one is um one of my fingers up my bum, and hair tweaking both of my nipples whilst stroking my dick with their hand

and the dog licking my balls. Okay, I want Have A Word Out Of Context to clip that shit off. If you've not followed Have A Word Out Of Context, someone has set up a Twitter account that just clips off five seconds of our worst nonsense without context. And it is fucking great.

I don't know who it is, but they are a secret Hall of Famer. Yeah. Oh, baby, let's have a word from our sponsors. Now that I've thought about your fingers in your own bum, I think it's time for a word from one of our sponsors. fingers in your own bum, I think it's time for a word from one of our sponsors. It's time to give some love to one of

our sponsors. The original gangster sponsor, Vauxhall Comedy Club, is proud to present bottomless booze comedy every Friday and Saturday night, coming back some point soon. Hopefully. Possibly. This frankly bonkers offer gives you 90 minutes of comedy from top circuit in TV comics, as well as 90 minutes of comedy from Top Circuit and TV Comics,

as well as 90 minutes of bottomless booze from just £25. That's bottomless beer, wine, cider and hand sanitizer for just £25. Spirit and Mixer bottomless tickets start at £35, and entry-only tickets for the straight-laced purists start at £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is normally open Monday to Saturday and is also right next to Vauxhall Street Food Gardens. Loads of really good street food vendors. That's open Monday till Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable

future. But instead, follow them on social media and sign up to the mailing list and then they'll announce their triumphant return. Hopefully fucking soon. Mailing list is voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, at voxhallcomedy on Twitter, voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, at voxhallcomedy on Twitter,

voxhallcomedyclub on Facebook. The show is 18+, no ID, no entry, and we operate a challenge 25-door policy. What up? For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse, choose Voxhall Comedy. Do you want to sing the intro or do you want me to do it? Yeah, I'll sing it full operatic.

It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all your problems that you have with your friends. I've just realised you could do that. What's the opera song in Step Brothers? Time to Say Goodbye. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Oh Jesus, you're getting me over to the evil of singing. What have you got for us? Let's solve some fucking problems, you know,

not just your knowledge of the British Isles and the independent island of Ireland. Okay, so we're starting here. Thanks to everyone who sends these in. We're getting a few more have a words now. Still not got quite enough but keep them coming. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Keep all your domestic

disputes coming in. If you're a musician, keep them coming in. Keep all your would you rathers, everything. Keep them coming in. We still need a lot more content. Have a word pod at gmail.com. If you're a musician, keep them coming in. Keep all your would-you-rathers, everything. Keep them coming in. We still need a lot more content. Coverwordpod at gmail.com, thank you. Absolutely. Okay, here we go. Hey guys, please keep this one anonymous.

Please have a word with my mate. I don't make friends easily, but I'm a northerner living in London for nearly a year now, and I've made a best mate. Aww. I love him to bits because he's a scouser and I naturally have so much in common with him just from being from the north sort of

he's definitely from like fucking Watford or something and I think it's the north I honestly love the lad but he is a serial bellend in not listening to no for an answer what? it's not penis nose um he's the type of he's the type who on a night's hours i just fancy literally two or three pints and and he'll get the fourth in case i change my mind or he'll agree to a weekend with

no drugs then tells you on the slice order somebody's got more than he will do because he knows he can talk me into it after a few pints. I've got no problem with drugs, but honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't have many other mates, especially lad mates and especially during lockdown. I don't want to be on my own, but I can't financially or mentally deal with how often he can't take no

for an answer. Sometimes I just want a couple of pints and I don't want to get on the Mozambique. Thanks from a randomer. I mean, is this really this is about before the shutdown in it because yeah yeah this is sort of not i mean he mentioned the shutdown there but this is more for like when we come out of this i mean this this guy this his mate is going to come out of the shutdown like a fucking it's going to be like a firework in he because he sounds like an absolute menace on a weeknight on a school night what's going to be like after two and a half

months shutdown he's going to be like fucking juddering down this to be fair all of us are i feel that coming for me i'm having a big one at the end of this can you imagine if the pubs reopen on the day Liverpool win the league how do you mean they're going to win the league how? how will they win the league? what do you mean? so they let us out of the shutdown, how are you going to have won the league at that point?

because they'll play a few games behind closed doors oh is that on the cards, seriously? yeah, so they're going to play a few games behind closed doors so it is my that on the cards? Seriously? Yeah. So they're going to play a few games behind closed doors. So here's my dream. How do they do that behind closed doors things on a shutdown, though? Because the amount of staff it takes to put all the TV cameras, how can they justify having hundreds of people in a football ground? Well, it won't be anywhere near as many as normal, will it?

Because there's no crowd to control. No, it takes hundreds of people to get Premier League football, even in an empty ground, doesn't it? With all the TV crew, all the staff, all the players. Can I just track back? Yeah, I think that's definitely going to happen. That's going to be amazing, Adam, all those closed-door games, and then you'll win the league, and then we'll go drinking.

I don't know why I question that. Why am I trying to put him in a bad mood right at the end of a fucking episode? It's been interesting. You're a fucking twat. You're being a twat. You're being a twat. Oh no, I've started him off. You're fucking in laws of twats. Fuck the lot he is. Oh God. Javi Moreno.

Did he play left back? No? Alberto Moreno. Oh, that's it. Alberto Moreno. Y, that's it. Have him, right? Alberto Moreno. Have him, Laskar. Yari Lepmanen. He looks like my mum. No.

Is that a good one? No. Sammy Hoopie. He loves hula hoops. Hoop. Yeah, Sammy Hoop. Hoop. No.

I don't know the Liverpool songs. I'm sure I probably got them quite. That was one of them. That was one of them. Yeah. I don't know the Liverpool songs I'm sure I probably got them quite That was one of them Yeah so this lad wants to Have a wee with his mate because he He's always getting on the beak when he says he won't And always getting the odd extra pint I feel like I can't here because I don't do drugs

But like I'm really bad for Let's have one more pint Do you know what I mean It would be hypocritical of me for me to tell his mate to pack it in Because I'm really bad for let's have one more pint. Do you know what I mean? So it would be hypocritical of me for me to tell his mate to pack it in because I'm that guy. No, mate, we've all been that guy though, haven't we?

But it's not just, like once in a while when you've got the little demon in you, you know when you've got the little demon and it's inside going, Adam, I'm thirsty. Adam, take me out. I'm thirsty.

Fucking Jade's been banging on about fucking SD cards. Take me drinking. Fucking quench my thirst. You know when you've got that thirsty adam take me out i'm thirsty and fucking jade's been banging on about fucking sd cards take me drinking fucking quench my thirst you know when you've got and you drag your mates into it don't you like come on though carl come on i want to go drink he's like oh i don't really want you like you know come on that's fine once in a while every one of the it's like a little mate card that you're allowed you should be every three months you'd be like listen i know you're not in the mood for it i don't want to get out of the wallet i know it's invisible i know it's imaginary but i'm pulling out the mate card you're my best mate and you've got a this is like a

voucher for dickheadry and i need to i need to claim it that's it i'm putting it in but this guy is every fucking time so this is every time they go for a pint it becomes three pints it becomes five it becomes i know you didn't want sambuca but i brought one back i know you didn't want coke but i've got two grams and just a bit extra you know i'll probably just do one here's one for you i'll just put it in your pocket i know it's illegal and i know you don't really do it but it's in your pocket now so you might as well snort it that is a hassle in it it is but i still i feel like a hypocrite like you're not that bad lads speak to Carl, Carl has left me in town on my own so many times

I'm known for if people don't want to do what I want to do on a night out I'll just fuck off on my own to Pop World now if you don't know what Pop World is it's a night club that just plays cheesy 90's shite, S Club 7 5 steps don't stop, all that sort of stuff

Spice Girls, all that crap, right, I fucking love it in there I'm in my element, and I've been known so many times on a night out to just disappear on my own and go to Pop World, and like a few hours later me mates will turn up and I'm in Pop World

dancing on my own, holding a fishbowl full of cocktail, right,, to the point where on the day of my mother's funeral, we had the wave, we had the beers in the pub in West Derby and I was absolutely

fucking ballooned. I was hammered, destroyed, fucked. We'd been drinking since like 12 in the afternoon. This is like 11 o'clock at night when the pub's calling last orders. I went home. I just took myself off. Didn't say goodbye to anyone. Was too drunk for that and walked home and got in bed, okay?

About an hour and a half later, my phone rings and it's my cousin. My cousin, my other cousin, and my little brother were all together. Guess where they'd gone? They'd got a taxi into town, which is miles away and gone straight to pop world because in that they checked pop world before they checked my bed they're like where are you we're in pop world looking for i'm in bed you daft cunts he was like oh we just assumed you'd come here that seemed more logical to us than you going home for an early night but again you're telling me that story like you're an absolute menace but it sounds like you're fucking basically doing it on your own that's not a massive like you're going you know

what i want to do it and then you go you're sort of the opposite of that this guy you're going fuck it you don't want to do what i'm doing i'm going to go and do what i'm doing that's almost not a problem like if you want to go and be a little one-man fucking adventure that's you're not lean this guy is like a little pusher isn't he like no go on go on no go on let's go on get in there i know my attitude isn't you're doing this it's i'm doing this join in if you want or fuck off home but what uh i don't want to seem like i'm being an arsehole to someone that listens, but I'm going to have to say this to our listener. Mate, you're a big boy, and I know you want mates, and I know you get on with him,

but you need to put your big boy pants on and say when you do and don't want to get a drink. And if he is a bell sniff, you're just going to have to fucking jib him off. You can't have a fucking pest as your only friend. Just go home. Just say I don't want it like if you if you if you give into peer pressure that much it's actually your fault not is i don't think it's me

being a pest as a problem i think it's you being a fucking whiner going oh it always convinces me take responsibility for your own actions and p.s if you're that easy to sway don't go for a drink on your own in a gay club because wow you are going to meet some gentlemen who can be quite convincing. And at the same time, don't go to any radicalised places of worship because we don't want you in Al-Qaeda. Like, I know I'm not actually a fundamentalist Muslim, but when I met... Go on, say a name.

Pick a name. Pick a name and stick to it. Jihadi Brian. Brian. Brian, the jihadi.rian brian brian the jihadi there is voice all right i'm brian oh i choose not to do it today i think we've we've talked about what's hate speech and i just don't want to end up with me going all right my name is brian the jihadi bro oh there you go oh jesus but yeah it's come on man you're not that much you can't be that much of a fucking pushover i know he's you're in are you in london you can only find one northerner

like there's another eight million people i don't like friends from anywhere else i just like friends go into any pub and you'll either find a scouser or an australian and we're basically the same thing find pop world in london it's i'm sure there is one there is do you know what do you know where pop world is in london do you know the boat show comedy club yeah comedy club on the the tassel castle boat yeah when that room becomes a pop world after the comedy the whole of the west end all all of that culture at your fingertips and you're like I just like music from the late 90s and then you know, disco that was a good one but you've got to be a big boy find some new mates

come on let's have another word, I want to do another one you want to do another one? can we whip out another one? I've got another one for you okay alright lads, I've been a listener from the start, I got a recommendation Okay. All right, lids. I've been a listener from the start.

I got a recommendation from Chris Pajak on the Redmen TV. So thanks for that. He's an original. A word is original. Oh my God. You didn't just say that out loud. That was hate speech. That offended me. So I'm a long-time listener,

and I've got my business partner, Nick, into the pod as well. We have an employee who is a lovely guy, well-meaning, and fairly intelligent, but he has no common sense. He's terrible with money and is always in debt, but somehow this still seems to surprise him every month. He recently asked us to help him and give us access to his bank so we could tell him where he's been going wrong. He's married with two help him and give us access to his bank so we could tell him where he's been going wrong. He's married with two children and his wife doesn't work.

This is the issue. As despite paying for one of the children to go to school and one of the children to go to nursery, his wife has never once worked. More than this, she stays at home cooking, often drinking and posting about her day on Facebook our colleague is paying for everything, which as you might expect includes money for food, outgoings what shocked us though was on top of that he's also paying his wife a grand a month so that she has some money to

spend, we're doing okay at work but he's getting more and more into debt every month whilst his wife sits at home spending huge amounts of cash and posting it on Facebook. She is ruining them financially and spending way above their means and our poor mate, unnamed, is too

afraid to have a word so we thought we would get you guys to do it, then play it to him. If you can keep our names out that would be appreciated as it might cause some trouble in the office. Well done for what you're doing. Dead happy it's taken off for you and dave oh cheers lads oh that's a lot of pressure isn't it i really wish we could get a touch more one

i'm just shy of one bit of information before i can fully like judge it does she know that they're getting in debt because if she doesn't it's on him and if she does know that gradually that £1000 a month is the thing that's pushing them into debt she is a colossal bellend if she doesn't know how

can you judge because he's just like I didn't want to say and then it's on him to again big boy pants on I think we need a little bit more information from the lads okay i reckon yeah how about this then we'll do two first of all we'll do let's pretend she doesn't know let's work on that assumption and then we'll come back and we'll do it as if she does know right if she doesn't know yeah p.s There's a lot of fucking partners, women around the fucking world, going, I don't have

raised kids, I like a Prosecco in the afternoon. Leave me be! By the way, I've figured out some really great systems to stop myself drinking in the morning. What is it? I just don't get up till the afternoon. Wake him really well. Oh, God. Unemployed,

love the Floyd. Yeah, if if she doesn't know and she's an innocent in this and she's like well i just wanted a bit of spending money i've got needs to i need to look after the kids at half term and all that shit if she doesn't know any of that and it doesn't know it's getting you are genuinely giving a thousand pounds and you're pushing yourself into that get your fucking big boy pants on same as like muggins down in london and just sort your finances out mate get on the banking app and be like susan look at that that's fucking you mate i'm not saying you need a job but you're definitely not having a thousand pounds a month she possibly be this naive though like that's what we've got to think she knows where he works she knows what he does for a living i imagine she's got to have some i don't know

some people are weird some relationship you can't assume it i mean you'd think so but maybe he's like no everything's fine oh you can have what you want maybe it's like just a bit of a maybe he loves her to bits and he wants to give her everything and he's just falling short money-wise, but he's not sharing that information. That happens. If, however, if, however, she knows, mate, shouldn't have married a dickhead. She's being a twat. She's a cunt

fuck twat. Oh, no. Every fucking time. God almighty. It's even worse now you've had an argument with jade she'd be in a leech that's what she's being she's being a little leech who's like i don't care about the kids i don't care about him i don't care about because everything's in his name anyway because it can't be in my name because i ain't fuck all and she doesn't give a shit okay but then he's still but then it's still down to him to be like stop enabling that then stop so a lot of this is on

him to be like come on mate because if you start losing houses then that whole thing about i just wanted to keep her happy she's going to be more pissed off even it how we don't know the content of her character but if you lose the house no one's fucking happy just short sharp look susan we're cutting it down to 350 quid and you're gonna have to get prosecco from aldi sort your shit out they do some good prosecco as well i look i i've got a bit of um relatability to this because it's nowhere near to this level at all but like jade doesn't do she doesn't work much she has the odd part-time job every now and then um and she earns a little bit of money and pays for the car insurance and stuff. But on the whole,

especially like, this is all pre-lockdown. I pay the chunk of everything, but I'm more than happy to do it because I earn more than Jade does normally from gigging. And you're not getting in debt. No, we're not getting in debt. Like I even,

like, you know, you can set up your bank card to be on your phone to pay contactless with Apple Pay. My card is on Jade's phone because I'm always like, I'm like, if you go shopping, just use that. Pay with that.

Do you know what I mean? Daddy bowling. Daddy bowling. She doesn't take the piss. I don't ever come home and she's like, do you know what? I've spent, I've bought myself a gym membership. It was 17 grand for the year, but I get a personal trainer called Julio and he's got abs and he just looks a

little bit like you, but sexier. I've done that. That's all on your card. Is that OK? You just in a relationship, you've got to be able. You can't be in a relationship where you've got two kids and not be able to go. The fuck are you spending a grand a month on? You daft fuck. It's not about her. It's about him, though, isn't it? Just to try and move your aggression away from women just for one episode.

It's about him. he's literally got he's got to fucking sort it out and that's what they're saying they want us to have a word with him whether she knows or not like you're married to her i mean so whether she knows or not it's about him sorting out his family finances it's serious right into you it's the kind of shit it's the kind of shit that will send you under this sort of stuff just nip it in the bud and if she goes i'm fucking leaving mate sounds like yeah i sounds like you're gonna be all right i'm taking the kids it's fine just get porn up premium you'll be all right you'll be lonely but you'll cry a bit loud wank yeah you can use the tears and on that bombshell

I don't think we're topping Pornhub fucking divorce wank we'll call that a podcast then thanks again as always to our sponsors beer52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club

got a song for you Dan to play us out nice one nice one today's song comes from I think the pronunciation is Kewen. It's K-E-W-E-N. A North East based singer-songwriter who is also a frontman of the band Kewen and the Crosswalks.

They can be found on social media under the name Ah Kewen Crosswalks. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. And their music is also under Kew on iTunes, Spotify, and SoundCloud. So playing us out today, this is QN with his song, Take a Walk in My Shoes. We'll see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow, Z-Lit. I got a home and some seeds in the ground

Not here alone, I just live by the sound I don't need toll Got this sweat on my brow Let me put gold on this family now Please don't forget my soul I won't forget you

I won't forget you, won't Left you at home with a love that's so strong And day by day I did no wrong Gotta do it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes Lost by a mind but never much harm One of a kind, doing no harm Was perplexed, or so you believe On to the next discovery Please don't forget my soul I won't forget you

Left you at home with a love that's so strong And day by day I did no wrong Got into it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes I'm all shook up by this summer wind It's making me walk the line If it's the road to hell or the room up the stairs You'll see me singing that's amore That's amore

That's amore, that's amore Left a straight path so you could come Straight up the grass where we would run. Mimic my soul and mirror my style. Try to keep up with these 1,000 miles. Please don't forget my soul. I won't forget you all Left you at home with a love that's so strong And day by day I did no wrong Gotta do it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes Gotta do it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes. Gotta do it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes.

Gotta do it my way and then you take a walk in my shoes. Bye.