Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #230 with Tom Stade - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 25, 2023

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Welcome to this episode of the Have A Word Podcast. How are we, lads? We've got some stuff to tell you about. Before we tell you anything, we're live in Dublin. A live podcast in Dublin, Thursday, the 6th of July. We've got some guests for you. Do you want to know who's on? Why don't you tell them who's on, Dan, or do you want me to tell them? What way do you want to do this?

I'll do one, you do the other. Okay. With my first pick, I'm going Darren Conway. Darren Conway, local legend to the Dublin area. Irish hero. A man of the people. And he's going to be joining us for the podcast section in Dublin. Also joining us for the podcast section

and doing a little bit of stand-up is local legend Willa White. I met this lad in January when I was over at the Laughter Lounge. He's absolutely fucking brilliant. And we're very, very, very excited to have both of them. Haveawordlive.com, that's where you get your tickets for the live shows. We're very excited. Glasgow's nearly sold out.

Dublin, there's a couple of hundred tickets left. And now that these two guests have been announced, they're going to go quickly. Go to haveawordlive.com and book your tickets now. Also, we've got the biggest patron in the UK, one of the biggest in the world. Do you know why? Because it's the best and it's value.

If you love Have A Word, sign up to patreon.com slash haveawordpod for as little as £3 a month. You get some good shit, Adam. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode exclusive to Patreon every single week. And you get access to the entire back castle,

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You know it, baby. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the world, pound for pound. You know it, baby. Wag Wag Lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to

you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on on me it's too hot to sleep i've had no sleep because it's too hot i also had a nightmare last night i wake up you're right no i slept for a bit and then i had a nightmare and then the combination of the heat and the terror kept me awake again am i in the nightmare no all right cool don't tell us about it. A political journalist

was trying to kill me. Russian? No. Alright. Andrew Ma? No. Nina Nana? You wouldn't be capable.

They're not real. Well, they have to be real, don't they? You can't make somebody up. Who was it? Yeah, you can. You can't. It's impossible to make a face

up in your dreams, isn't it? No. I'm sure the face belongs to someone who was the face but it wasn't like you know Shilpa Shetty it wasn't like Shilpa Shetty the famous political journalist Shilpa Shetty's trying to kill me

she's so racist I was at a a Labour Party fundraiser and then labor won like a seat by like a million miles and then a political journalist had been writing for ages going oh uh there's no way labor win this one and then they did and then everyone was like adam said they would to be fair she should be fired so she got fired. But then I was walking home through the streets of Dovecot with our Jack. And she was just on the other side of the road with her husband crying

because she'd been fired. And then she was like, oh, I've got a boat. Do you want to come on my boat? Just go down onto the boat. And I was like, I'll do it another night. And I was like, she's trying to kill me here. To our Jack. And then she was like, I can't be asked to do it another night. Get onto the boat and I was like, I'll do it another night. And I was like, she's trying to kill me here. It's a hard job. And then she was like, I can't be asked to do it

another night, get on the boat. And then she pulled the gun out and then I woke up. So when I woke up, I went and checked me whole flat to make sure she wasn't in it. Shilpa! Shilpa! Shilpa! She's not here.

Do you ever do that though when you're scared? Do you go and check every room what I checked every room I went and checked the other bedroom no I opened my eyes every wardrobe I opened my eyes

and go oh yeah I'm back in the rational world takes a couple of seconds though I love the idea of you're in your dream labour winning a seat that's great that's also not a nightmare

that's a fucking sweet sweet future dream and then the fact that you're walking home in Dovey that's also not a nightmare that's a fucking sweet sweet future dream and then the fact that you're walking home in Dovey

with your Jack and then the political journalist is just across the road with her husband because she lives in Dovecot as well I love it

no she didn't live in Dovecot she lives on the marina it's the fact that people win it's the fact that people win oh yeah Adam

called this yeah but he is having the dream isn't he so she loses her job Adam called this because I was having a go having the dream, isn't he? So she loses her job. Adam called this. Because I was having a go at her. Going, how did you not see this coming?

And she was like the lead political journalist for whatever, like the BBC or something. No, it's okay. The Dove Cock Express. You know, something. Something important. Yeah. That's a weird one.

But it's coming, isn't it? The election. I mean, hopefully you're not going to get murdered by a political judge. I want to talk about nightmares. Right, yeah, fair enough. I've got a very vivid nightmare from when I was a kid. The sun got really big. But I was in my living room.

And it wasn't like I was in Shilpa Shekhi's house in Dovecote, where it's kind of warped. In my dream, I was in my living room. it wasn't like i was in like shilpa shetty's i was in dovecot where it's kind of warped out in my dream i was in my living room so it felt real and then out the window the sun just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger until i woke up and i was that scared i mean that would be that's the end of you in it that's the end of all of us yeah it was like it was like the end well like the end of the world and like like planets where they're big in the sky. It was really scary. Sometimes I dream I have hair, and then I wake up and the nightmare starts.

When I was delirious, when I had a fever as a kid, I had a dream that Gordon Brown was chasing me on my bedroom. Oh my God. You're so political in your dreams. Adam's just there going, Cuba. Cuba. Taiwan.

He's dreaming again. Wake up! The people of Taiwan are free. For now! He's dreaming again. What did the other people think before they clarified that? He's dreaming again. Cuba. He says, what's a Cuban missile?

Like a dog dreaming. Oh, he must be in the park. Oh, he's running from a political journalist. Oh, no. Dreamer like that. He's like this. He must be in the park. He must be in the park. He's mentioned Putin on the podcast now.

He's dreaming about... You can't be mate. That's where Putin poisons... Charlie Sauce. That's where Putin poisons people. Oh, nice. It is, isn't it? In Salisbury, in the park.

Liv and Yanko. Alexander Liv and Yanko, yeah. They were after Peter Gabriel, weren't they? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Peter Gabriel lives on Salisbury Hill that's why he sang

the song do do do do I live on Salisbury Hill do do wasn't it Mark Chapman

what Mark Chapman the sports presenter who killed Lenvin Yanko yeah Chappers

he's a fucking nightmare someone said you're shit on match of the day too and he poisons them you know Who killed Lint Vignenko. Yeah, Chappers, he's a fucking nightmare. Someone said, you're shit on Match of the Day 2, and he poisons them. You know they're two different people? What? The person who killed John Lennon isn't now a host.

It's not like a redemption story. No. It's like a regen on Footy Manager. Home and away. Mad. Different people. I'll never get it. Do you ever get scared?

Hey! Different people. I'll never get it. Do you ever get scared? Do you ever get scared? In my dreams? Like, you know, if you're in the house on your own, do you ever get scared? Yes. In the dark, I've told you. Only if starting wanking with the curtains open. That's one of them that'll get you all...

No, but do you never get, like, scared that someone's broken and they're coming to murder you. Who are you, my wife? No, that's what Laura thinks. She's like, if you don't lock the door, someone's going to get yours. They will shoot me in the head. Do you never go downstairs at night and you haven't put the blinds down and it's dark outside, you think someone's going to go, hey?

Up against the window. That is my biggest fear in life. Someone's going, hey? When I'm in the fridge and the window's behind me i'm like there's someone in the window oh yeah yeah yeah in the in the kitchen yeah with the kitchen window behind you oh my god so do you jump easily if someone's waiting for you and goes boo you must be like oh it's a murderer if i go down and open the fridge and someone goes boo yeah at night on my own downstairs i'm scared see i think when when you hide behind the door and go if people shit themselves if you did it like that um i think i think it's because you think someone could be in the house. Yeah. Like, Laura jumped scared because she honestly is waiting for the murderer.

Hang on. So, if I was in your wardrobe and I went, hey, and you jumped, I'd go, ah, you think there's murderers in the house? No. You would jump. You would definitely. Yeah. If you weren't expecting someone to jump out of your wardrobe.

In fact, I've got a video of you jumping when someone jumps out of a wardrobe on the internet. It wasn't a haunted house, to be fair. Fake news, fake news. I just think Laura thinks it's... I think there's an initial like, ah, God, that's... Oh, I've been surprised.

But Laura's like, oh, he's come to kill us all. Genuinely. I can just walk into a room quieter than she expects me to walk into a room. And she's like, oh, God! Yeah, I'm like that.

That's a maternal thing, I think. No, I'm like that. Yeah, it's a maternal thing. Yeah, he's just so maternal. I don't think she's like, I protect anyone else. She's playing someone's neck. That's you.

I'm a mother. Die. Snapped your neck. Fucking journalist. Someone else walks in. Write a story about that, you fucking journalist. Shilpa fucking Shetty.

Who is Shilpa Shetty? She's the absolute... The one who jades racist to. Yeah. Goody. Oh. Or racist about. Racist to. Yeah.

That's the best way that's going to happen. You now know who she is. Now, now, now. If I'd have been Bollywood actor. Who did you think it was? Why did you say Shubhashetti? Where was your head? Priti Patel?

No, my brain just went for a name and it went, I'm Shubhashetti. Bingo, Gaza, Shubhashetti. She's like the peep best of that trio I can't believe you don't get scared

what's your biggest fear it's a good question god I don't know do you know what mine is people being ambivalent towards me I'd rather you hated me that's your biggest fear

yeah you should have someone going cars I'd rather someone go oh no or's your biggest fear. Yeah. You should have someone going, Kyle's coming to go, oh. I'd rather someone go, oh, no. Or like, yeah. Who are going, I don't care.

People being ambivalent towards, like, just kill me. That shows in your behavior, to be fair. Yeah. Hate me or love me. Don't be. Yeah, you're either a delight or a fucking wind up. Yeah, I never want to be, oh, Kyle's weird.

No one's ambivalent to you. I think you've got that. Everyone loves me. You're the same. You either love or you hate me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's ambivalent to you. I think you've got that. Everyone loves me. You're the same. You either love or you hate me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the best way to be. I don't want someone to think I'm okay.

It's your biggest fear. Ambivalence. You might be the only person that said that in the history of my life. It's bigger than, like, oh, spiders, isn't it? Yours is fucking eggs or something, so I wouldn't fucking pipe up just yet. Eggs in the wardrobe. Putting most types of fish in my mouth.

Possibly. Fear. That's not fear. No. What? You're not scared of fish in your mouth? Yeah, I am. Scared, as in like run away?

What's the yellow one? I always go on about it. Haddock. Is it? Is it haddock? Haddock does stink like oh my god haddock's just like chip shop fish but if a haddock jumped out of my cupboard yellow scale don't know that being just yellow fish oh the yellow fish dance on it that is what it's called place if you if you go to a fishmongers and you ask for yellow fish that's what they give you yellow fish

my mum used to eat yellow fish alright is there not a name for it though because that sounds like no alright she'd say go to the shop

and get me some yellow fish right yellow tan and get me some red meat any of them get me some of that black dick the fruit shop in in Dovey

used to sell fruit, vegetables, flowers and fish. But they never called them by their names. They were like, give me some of the green fruit. Give me some red fruit. And orange. What? What am I scared of? You're not scared of fish.

You're not. You're not scared of ambivalence either? No, you know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of the sea. When I jumped in off the back of the boat, I pooed my pants instantly. You looked down? Did you see it? You looked down? I wore my goggles.

In the sea? Were you there? No, I heard it. Oh my god, it was so funny. The only reason I didn't get in the sea is because I was worried my shoulder would pop out in the sea. Otherwise I'd have gone in the sea. I love being in the sea. All them yellow fish swimming around.

Did you get scared because you looked in the water and couldn't see all the way to the bottom? Listen, love the sea. I love it. I love it. I was at the beach for the whole of that holiday, and then I'd need a piss and go in and look like I was there to swim,

but I was there for a swim piss. International rules in it. Had a swim, and rules yeah in it had a swim and then i swam out a bit and once my feet can't touch the bottom i'm like i'm still all right and then i because i've got goggles on you look down and then when you see the great abyss i start imagining sharks just swimming up and like intrusive thoughts start but i can control them by going yeah but if i just come back a meter or two, I can see the bottom, so I'm fine. And it makes me, like, enjoy the sea.

I jumped off the back of that, whatever it was, boat. Yacht. Yacht. It was a small yacht. It was a yacht. Super yacht. I couldn't see anything, and I shit my pants, and then tried to climb her back up

and couldn't get back up. So my legs were flapping underneath. Oh, it was fucking horrible. And in my head, I'd let all the intrusive thoughts go. I was like, yeah, shark's just going to see my flapping legs. You look like a seal.

Singer. The singer, yeah. Is that a seal? Similar feet. The first reason you got scared was they were fish. No, I didn't mind i don't mind the fish i don't mind little fish coming up the cheese of the fish no but he fed some he fed some cheese to fish no genuinely i'm little fish don't live little fish don't bother

me it's it's not um it's rational i'm scared of sharks and the woman's like there is no sharks i'm like i don't trust you you're not a sharkologist you're just a fit lesbian on a yacht she was yeah yeah she wasn't a lesbian she was fucking choking on that fella defo the second they dropped us off they unlocked that bedroom and went into fork town all right cool she's bisexual she wasn't a lesbian there was some passion there she wasn't a lesbian i There was some passion there. She wasn't a lesbian. I know, I didn't really mean it. She was lovely though. I don't think you can differentiate between lesbians and Spanish women.

You know what? It's been said before. But to be fair, you think Shilpa Shetty's a political journalist. No, I don't. It's one-all. I said it wasn't Shilpa Shetty. Do you know any other Spanish women? He's definitely looking at... I think he was definitely looking at adam there when he

either of you i thought you were talking i was talking to that oh yeah oh yeah uh shakira i thought shakira but is she's not no she's not she's spanish she's colombia yeah she's one of the spanish yeah yeah yeah i don't know christina aguilera iera. Ika Casillas' wife. Oh, yeah. Ika Casillas' wife. The famous Spanish woman. Okay, Jordi Alba's wife as well. Busquets' wife, probably. Yeah.

Gerard Piquet's ex. Chiquit. Oh! Colombia. I'm scared of them in the sea. If you see one of them swimming. A Chiquita? Oh, yeah.

What are you scared of, Adam? Like actual fear? Jellyfish as well. I think my height one's going away a little bit. Why? I don't know. As I've got older, I'm less scared of heights. Just try doing a skydive.

I'm not scared of planes anymore. Or flying. Was that an actual fear, yeah? I suppose I've seen it when we went to Berlin. Yeah, I don't like taking off. I don't like takeoff. That's a dangerous bit, isn't it? Yeah, because whenever there's a plane crash on the news,

it's always like, and it crashed into a mountain six minutes after takeoff. It's always a media. The second we're in the air, I'm like, oh, it's out now. Is it? Is that genuinely the fear? Once you're up, you're fine? Yeah.

He's like, no, you are more safe in the sky. You can't crash in the sky. Yeah, once you can see the tarmac when you're up you're fine he's like you are more safe in the sky can't crash in the sky yeah once you can see the tarmac when you're landing you're like we might we'd survive this now

yeah I think that every time what did Billy Connolly say we're at maiming height and we're safe yeah yeah if we crash we'll survive

it won't be nice I don't love height but that's I don't think that's a fear it's just I know if I fall I'm dead do you know what I mean that think that's a fear. It's just I know if I fall, I'm dead. Do you know what I mean?

That's not like a fear, is it? That's just knowledge. If I fall off this really tall building, I'm going to die. That's not a fear. Are you scared of falling or are you scared of... In love. Scared to trust again. Because he loves too much. Broken your neck.

So what is your fear then? You must have a fear. When I wake up after I've had like a weird dream, I do check the whole house to see if there's any people hiding in the cupboards. I did do that last night. I checked every room, didn't I? She was like, what are you doing?

I was like, I'm getting a glass of water. Just doing a murder check. So your fear is people hiding in the cupboards? Yeah. What's yours, what are you doing? I was like, I'm getting a glass of water. Just doing a murder check. So your fear is people hiding in the cupboards? Yeah. What's yours, Finn? I don't have it. Probably something existential. That's where I tend to go.

Maybe like that we're in a simulation. Why is that a fear, though? You can't run away from that. This is what I don't understand about conspiracy theorists, when they're like, do you know there's an illuminati they're all in the world and i've figured it out from my mars basement space no look if you look at this 9-11 thing that means two packs are alive if there's an illuminati running the world over in a simulation there's nothing we can do about it so just enjoy it and we know because they want us to know

but that's scary well no it's not having control you haven't got control know. But that's scary. Not having control. You haven't got control? I know, but that's scary in itself. What do you mean? Like, just... You don't have control of anything. You're just in the system. Unless you affect change.

And that's when Finn became a Liberal Democrat. I just don't... I don't know. That just scares me. That whole existentialism things. I just don't... I don't know. That just scares me. That whole existentialism things. I just don't like it. I don't like thinking about it. What would you do if you saw the strings?

The Matrix. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Do you mean... If you were watching Top Gear and they hadn't edited it properly and someone was... Puppetting Richard Harkin.

Puppetting Jeremy Clarkin. You were like, I used to think Jeremy Clarkson was real and then I saw the fucking strings. How would you feel about that? If Jeremy Clarkson was a marionette puppet. Do you know, for a second, I thought he said Top Gun.

I thought he said Top Gun. And he said Jeremy Clarkson. And I was like, what? Top Gun 3 with Jeremy Clarkson. This is the fastest plane in the world. I'd be devastated devastated he's my hero i love jezza he smells nice stop sniffing jeremy clarkson it was one time but it's really stuck

with me that's a talent as well i know that wasn't it was it was he wants to be a millionaire that's why uh yeah i don't fear much in like general terms but just the big life's big questions Jeremy Clarkson that is scary this is a classic stoner answer isn't it like what's

like my big fear is like what does it all mean do you know what I mean like what is life is that that's my fear what do you think the meaning of life is is Jeremy Clarkson

gonna be in Top Gun 3 what do you think the meaning of life is what do you think the point of life is, Dan? Is Jeremy Clarkton going to be in Top Gun 3? What do you think the meaning of life is? What do you think the point of life is? Why do you think you're here? I genuinely think the meaning of life is... There's no reason I'm here. No, no, but I'm saying... I am here, and it's just a journey,

and you can make it as good as you can. Okay, then, so what's a good journey for you? What's a good journey? Yeah, like, what... To try and avoid misery and pain and suffering and then try and make as many happy happy memories as you can and just to experience good memories on a journey though if at the end of it there's nothing you can do with them because they're not memories then it's just nothing if you if you know because you can enjoy the memories well you're saying that

just because there's a finality to it then that's's the end of that. If you can't enjoy something for eternity, it's pointless enjoying the journey. No. Well, that's not how I see it. I think you've got an amount of time, you've got an amount of time, and you don't know how long that time is, so just do as many good things that make you feel good

or you enjoy those moments, because life will, we think we've said this before but life will hand you all the bad stuff like illness and like accidents and stuff but you can make all those good moments by surrounding yourself with people you love and doing things that you enjoy that are like even if it's just like i've said it before like if you just like jizzing, just jizz loads. It's nice. If you like playing tennis,

play tennis. That is a big part of the meaning of life is just to come as often as you can. Just to come. And if you like walking in a park, make sure you get to do that. And if you like travel, go and travel.

Not at the same time. And if you don't, if you just want to play PS5 or whatever, whatever it is that you want to do. As I'm saying, what's yours? That making,

making happy memories. Family memories. No, it's not just family. I'm not like, yeah, it is that you want to do as i'm saying what's yours that making making so is it family happy memories family memories no it's not just family i'm not like yeah it's all sorts in it it's what's yours and travel i think like i don't want to get to the end of my life and go i haven't seen everything i possibly could have but you'll never do that but that's only what i'm saying but that's only a part of it isn't it because genuinely the times we sit around crying laughing that's a big part of what i genuinely love and enjoy is laughing my fucking ass off and making people laugh and that is a that's why i've put so much energy into podcasting and comedy and stuff but it's the same with my all of my mates have got a great sense of humor i just love there you go so

you're making people happy no it's not just happiness because because happiness suggests that you're like oh you're having a lovely time i like taking the piss and having a laugh it i love filling my life with that and then family and then travel and then getting a bit drunk and eating good food and seeing lots of different things but if i had to really rank them like having a fucking laugh and enjoying someone's sense of humor and having i love that it's well up there and i'd like to do that in many places in the world with all the different people i've meeting new people and having a laugh with them i i think it's one of the most important things to me proving competence indomitable how how'd you say it indomitable confidence wow confidence or competence oh god yeah that's what he wants to travel the world

i just want to prove that i'm the best and even if you're good i'm better your thing that you said is it's maybe the thing you've said that's not lying though stuck with me the most we've talked about it before is that you you died twice thing yeah yeah that since you told me i remember where we were we were in the on the second ghost hunt we were all around the table it was just before one of you's farted it was classy um it's having a moment uh that thing has stuck with me since then and that's kind of what i've now geared my head towards legacy yeah yeah that is a big thing for me yeah that's why like i'm not just sort of content with what we've already done and like i know people have enjoyed the couple of stand-up specials i've i've put out but I don't think in 100 years anyone's going to watch any of the stand-up specials

I've already put out. I want one that they will. Legacy is important to me. I don't want to die in late. That second death, though, you could just kill 12 people and you'd probably be remembered for ages as well. And if I don't produce a good enough stand-up special, I will.

Ah, right. Do you want infamy, though? It's different, isn't it? No, it's not. Yeah, it is, but what we're talking about... Not for this. We're just talking about dying twice. If you do something horrific horrific your name will be remembered

Hitler will never die yeah it does sound bad just standing on its own like if you just clip that out based on that Hitler will never be dead literally

like literally never no one's going to remember him fucking hell yeah but then it's about how you want to get that second death in it because his is Literally, like, literally never. He's immortal, isn't he? No one's really remembered him. Fucking hell. Yeah. But then it's about how you want to get that second death in it, because his is from being one of the most evil people that's ever existed.

Yeah, but he's dead, and he's just, he's not, like, he's still living, though, isn't he? He's not asked. Yeah. Though that's the point, isn't it? Yeah. How do you want that second death to go? Get him that, I don't know.

Genuinely fucking around and having a laugh with people is so important. If there's a heaven, right? Are we doing this again? This is what happens when we record too close. We started doing bigger picture stuff. Here's my question. There's a heaven.

You get to the pearly gates. St. Peter's like, oh, fucking hell, Dan. You fucked up a bit here lad haven't you that's a lot of fucking beak for one man are you sorry for everyone you wronged what with what with everything beak like every time you lied to someone every time you cheated on someone every time you uh stole something from a self-service checkout like a carrier bag i'll be like yeah yeah, yeah, I suppose. Go on, go on, lad.

You didn't do too bad. You get in. Hitler's just there having a coffee. I'll be like, all right, cool. Like, would you be pissed off? Right at the gates. He's that brazen. He's not got his own little bit of heaven

where he can hide away and be like, I probably shouldn't be here, so I'll keep it quiet. No, he wants to wind people up on the way in. He sat outside a cafe in here with a fucking mochaccino, just like. Yeah, I'm going to have to speak to HR or something I think there's gonna be

an initial can I speak to complaints because I'm pretty sure he shouldn't be here he said sorry just on the way in isn't heaven gonna be full of gimps though

what heaven's gonna be full like Biggie says it he doesn't want to go to hell because it's full of mings he wants to go to hell with all the fun people are like Jimi Hendrix yeah but then it's not it's not a fucking six form social like social room is it it's it's torture for each individual that's what

hell's meant to be it's not meant to be like i don't believe that though you just all right but but you just said you what he'd just be in the sea for eternity you'd be constantly being eaten by sharks fucking hell amen and all luck here peace be with you fella we've only got God's

side of the story haven't we for all we know Satan's chill he's just sound had a fallout with God God wrote a book Satan was like

I'm not even replying not even giving that the time of day yeah and you can have Hitler I don't want him bit of a bit of day yeah and you can have hitler i don't want him a bit of a gimp have him have him up there i think some of my our locals are going to be pretty pissed off couldn't give a fuck i'm chill christians believe that the devil works like in a

really vindictive and sneaky way how do we know that the devil isn't actually the writer of the bible and why is he punishing bad people if he's a naughty man? Shouldn't he be like, yes, Hitler, my man, boxed it there, lad. Yeah, here's a caffeine needle for you, fella. Why is he punishing bad people? Oh, so you think God controls who goes to heaven and hell, and then when they get to hell, the devil's like, do you know what? I don't know what we're all doing down here,

but let's get a jukebox on. Let's get some American style. But the devil doesn't work for God. They're notoriously at odds with each other. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Satan and God are not friends. So why is Satan going,

yeah, God sent them down here. I'll bum them. He's not doing that, is he? Like, he'd be like, yeah, come down here. Join the party. Right. You know, we've got a picture.

You put your head in on the door. Put your fucking little picture down there. There you go. Potwild. Hell will be sick. all the cool kids are there I don't understand the logic of oh god had this fucking kid in heaven

who was being a bit of a cunt so god was like fuck off you can have your own little kingdom down there you cunts sends him down and then he's like by the way you still work for me

you even though I've banished you to hell here's all the bad people fucking put pineapples up their dick and that i just don't see it i don't believe you don't see it i just don't believe it i mean a lot of this makes sense but this bit just something fishy about it get a list of the 10 biggest celebrity deaths this decade let's see if you've gone to hell or heaven are we doing that are we do you want me to overrule that no no don't overrule it let's because we've just in a recent episode we've done heaven and hell like literally last week i just don't believe god's word right we're doing on this we're doing last year it's real, is it? So this is from 2022. Ray Liotta.

Ooh. He's in heaven. He was a good boy. I bet he's done some fucking naughty things. Sniffing Lemo does not get you in hell, by the way. You better open up.

Hell. I think Ray Liotta might have a little bit. This one I think is a guaranteed heaven. Angela Lansbury. I reckon she was a fucking bitch on the side, you know? You reckon? In what way? May that she wrote.

May that she did more like. He's got me. Angela Lansbury's in hell. Yeah. Cool. Hitler is in heaven. But Angela Lansbury's in hell Hitler is in heaven but Angela Lansbury she's down there

I didn't say Hitler's in heaven I said what would you do if you got there and he was just there no you did didn't you I was just making a joke I'm here and I'm not I'm refusing to live absolutely don't I'm offed and I'm offed Olivia Newton-John Olivia Newton-John. Olivia Newton-John.

Yeah. Heaven. Heaven. She's an angel. Yeah. His name's Dan, by the way. Olivia Newton. Where's she?

What? What? Oh, yeah. I'm going to guess that's her little wife. Might be the worst joke ever. That's terrible. Come on, Olivia Newton-Dan. Where is she? Oh yeah, I'm going to guess that's how little I am. Might be the worst joke ever. Come on, Olivia Newton-Dan. Where is she?

She's an angel. She's in heaven. This is my life. This is my life. This is part of my life. Robbie Coltrane. Careful. You asked me to do this. He's in heaven. Hagrid is in heaven. Hagrid is. Robbie Coltrane careful what you asked me to do this he's in heaven

Hagrid is in heaven Hagrid is Robbie Coltrane isn't cotton and then the last one we're going to go for June Brown who's that

Dot Cotton oh she's a she was a Tory she's in hell hell she's rotten all Tories go to hell fact

a biff to smoking cob shaves so that's Dot Cotton and Angela Lansbury in hell Stories go to hell. Facht. A biff to smoking cobshakes. So that's Dot Cotton and Angela Lansbury in hell. And that's where Carl wants to go, because it sounds like a right laugh. Oh yeah, the devil's like, fucking hell, I don't know, I don't work for the guns.

Let's have a party. There's Angela Lansbury, there's Dot Cotton. Don't know where Hitler is. He fucked off a few years ago. He's not been back. Said he had loads of admin to do. Sounds like a right party, don't it? It's capital H for heaven, lowercase h for hell. And they've accidentally put him on the capital H.

He's a boxer. Oh, nice. Let's have a break. Guess who's back? Back again. Have a word. Have we got some prep, Finn? We do. We've got a couple of questions to start us off. I go again have a word have we got some prep Finn?

we do we've got a couple of questions to start us off so this one's from Gaz he says hi Lids if you had to franchise out the pod to another country like The Office what country would you pick

and which comics or celebrities would you choose to host the pod for a foreign audience they don't they don't have to be from that country so feel free to send Steve Chaniasky to Burkina Faso

I'm going Senegal nice and I'm going Cattie Lee and are you Cattie Lee? no I'm Adam Rowell in this scenario Adam

I'm never going to be Cattie Lee no matter how much I want to okay does Kath Dealy play your role sure there you go and Colleen Nolan so you're going for

a female reboot yeah in Senegal yeah don't be shot in days Dan imagine if Kath Dealy

actually agreed to that that's when you know your career's fucked isn't it in a podcast reboot in Senegal things are looking bad for Saturday morning

TV car I don't think it's happening again for you mate I just realised I've got a new dream for us I want us to do arenas in Africa

okay what's stopping us breaking into the African market I think that's my biggest fear you've just unlocked it what's stopping us

doing arenas in Africa like it's global in Africa talking about Card's global, isn't it? African people. Talking about Cardinal Heaton too much. Why? Lads in Senegal going, oh my God, I cannot believe

he went to school with like Demo. Oh, Demo is crazy. Oh God, Demo. No, there's no more Demo. Oh my God, you can't even remember the names of people you don't give a fuck about. Put her wall name there. In its wall name.

Right. Demo. We need to think about more African content to really break Senegal. Come on. That's on you now. I'll have a shot on Sunday with Damo. That's on me. Yeah, more African prep. Think about it.

It's Adam's dream and he's not going to do the admin. So you get us to Africa, Finn. Come on. Okay. We can go to Africa. We were kind of in Africa last week and we did a podcast there. Well, we legally weren't we can go to we were kind of in africa last week and we did a podcast there well we legally weren't which is why we were there if you had to pick your american counterpart who who would you say is would fit the roles most similarly i'm not i'm not aware of any clues uh

like as many american comics as you who would you say you're most similar to American wise? He's quite like Ali Wong. Yeah. A lot of people criticize my last special smasher for being too much like Ali Wong. She's great though. Baby Cobra. She's fucking great. It's funny because she talked a lot about

how she wanted to fuck a load of other guys. She's like, ah, your husband, you want to just fuck people, don't you? And then six months later, guess who's divorced? It's Ali Wong. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you reckon you've seen that bit? I'm going insecure. What's the Netflix show? Huh? What's the Netflix show we've seen, Dan?

What's it called? I forgot the name of it. Broke on that man. Oh, Beef. Oh, Broke on that man. Beef, yeah. She's fucking fire and that. She's a great stand-up. But yeah, it was funny because a lot of her things were like

oh Ali like to get fucked and it just it's a recurring theme of like yeah I've just got to fuck this guy

but you're just going to get fucked have you finished that show yet because she gets fucked in that I spoilers

and it's not about food prep and it's a good spoilers it's a good spoilers it's a good fuck scene as well is it yeah

she's tiny she's like 4 foot 10 it's a good fuck scene it's the dream is it yeah saw something on twitter the other day

what's your dreams Adam to break Africa and to fuck small small women at the same time I saw something on twitter it was like

I can't remember all of it it was like a man's dream woman who's like five foot, size three feet, can't remember what she dresses like, top is see-through. And apparently... Well, you've nailed that.

What are you looking for in a woman? A see-through top? That's where I start. Small feet, cheaper shoes. What would you looking for in a woman? A see-through top? That's where I start. Small feet, cheaper shoes. What would you say is your dream woman thing? We saw her on the beach. This could take a fucking while.

She was on the beach the other day. Yeah, she was. Fucking hell, he fell in love. Oh, that Spanish one. She was a lesbian, definitely.

Was she? Yeah, they were gay. That's a shame. Well, they were Spanish. Tanned, brown hair. He likes Latin ladies. Yeah. It doesn't have to be Latin.

They could be just... I like a bit of foreign. Do you have to speak Latin? I'm a bit of foreign, so... Gotta keep up. You like a bit of foreign? Yeah. You don't want any of those whites?

I'm not against it. You don't want those white-out-with-their-white-out-pusses? Not if they talk like that. I don't want them. White is foreign to. Not if they talk like that. I don't want them. White is foreign to you? White is foreign to me, yeah. What's your favourite colour of vagina? Oh, my.

You know the lips? Do you like a really pink one? Or do you like it when it's bulbous and black? Pokeball. Do people like the bulbous? You ever seen the really dark looking pussies? This clip's not going on TikTok. I know that.

I'll just go for the standard. I don't mean on a black person. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when it's on an Asian lady or a white girl and it's just a bit fucking battered. It looks like mutton. Yeah. It doesn't look...

It's not... I don't know what colour it is because it's not black and it's not brown. It's like lamb. Purple. It looks like mutton. Yeah. It doesn't look... It's not... I don't know what colour it is because it's not black and it's not brown. It's like lamb. Purple. It looks like overdone lamb. Like your steak?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Do you like these, Finn? Yeah, I love them. That's what I want. I want it to look like a steak. A well-done steak.

A well-done one? Yeah. Brown? Yeah. Like rubber? See-through top, small feet and mutton-like vagina. I like a medium rare pussy one. Brown. Like rubber. See-through top, small feet, and mutton-like vagina. I like a medium rare pussy, man.

Pink. Yeah. Pink and brown. Pink. Pink and brown, innit? All pink. I just like the middle of it. Cut the edges off. Ah, right.

Salmon. Salmon pussy. By the way, Senegal's loving this chat, by the way. Right back in. Who the fuck is Demo? You would never have a scouser called Demo. It's so wool. But I love the lamb-based pussy chat. It was top fire.

We should watch these in an arena. Top fire. If only we had arenas. Do you have arenas? What's your idea of Africa? You just picture the Lion King, you're going to hang it? Yeah, I am. We'll play that rock.

Neat lifting Adam what's the most Africa's very developed now the city's fucking everywhere what's the most educate yourself what's the most developed country in Africa

South Africa yeah well it is yeah it's not wrong but every country in Africa has got like indoor stadiums 20,000 a lot of industry

yeah they've all got big arenas and stuff I mean yeah yeah and there's some of the poorest countries in the world so

yeah yeah I'll do an arena tour see you there what is it most developed country in Africa not South Africa

Egypt you would use a Maritius you would use a Booolean operator on Google for that right got a couple of underrated overrated hit the jingle I'm sorry I'm still in my

it's yellow sorry oh shit they've not seen that on the public the pubes are like what just happened yeah I'd say nailed that there you go Oh shit, they've not seen that in the public. The pubes are like, what just happened? Oh yeah, Dan's got funky buttons. I'd say nailed that. There you go.

There we go. We got there. So many buttons. Yellow. Shut up. I see yellow in, I think, country music. Oh, check this. And Saturdays.

So the first one. He's right. The first one is from Philip, and he says, Mackie Saul, who is the president of senegal so underrated or overrated no hang on did is that true have you just thrown that one in there oh you look at it this is from philip i think he went to school with them at cardinal heenan we had philo funnily enough ph Phil-O? Which isn't Wool. Did you?

You actually know Phil-O? You know Phil-O, yeah. You've met Phil-O? Phil-O? No, not like Sandra-O or like Jackie-O. I don't know. Steve-O. What?

Where's Phil-O? I'm not telling you. You'll figure it out. Go on. You won't. He's a comedian. Well, he was a comedian. Yeah. Go on.

Okay, this one is from George Bayliss. Fish finger sandwiches. I think they're unreal for an easy meal. Underrated. Because I forget they exist. Yeah, I don't have them enough. But then when I remember them, I'm like, oh.

Yeah. Get in my fucking gob, you. Correct. I don't have them at all, but when I do, the boss. Yeah. Tomato sauce, salt and pepper, loads of butter. Dan, you'd love a fish finger.

Yeah, I'd love it without the fish fingers. I'd love it. I'd love a butty with loads of butter. You'd actually really like it. I'd love it. It's brown. You've had a fish finger. That white, white meat.

But when I thought it was a chicken nugget, I ate it by mistake. When I wasn't... It tasted awful. It's the least offensive kind of fish. Yeah. Awful. It tastes more like chicken than fish.

No one's ever described a fish finger as awful, ever. Yeah, it's fishy. It isn't, though. It's that white fish. It's like a chicken, which is like thinner meat. No, but it's fishy. Kind of. Your behaviour's fishy chicken which is like thinner meat. No, but it's fishy. Kind of. Your behaviour's fishy.

Ooh. Get up from that one. I'll struggle. Right. This is from Johnny Allen or Joni Allen. Sex or sexual acts in the slightly left field

but standard places. Think car, shower, mile high, teenager in a bush. Totally and utterly overrated. Oh, I'm with Ro on this one like the idea of it is great but just fuck me in a bed will you no i like a little bit i like it it adds to it for me it doesn't though no not for you for me it doesn't it doesn't for you it doesn't he knows no for me it does i like it doesn't go on where's your uh where's your favorite away days i haven't

got a favourite, but I'm saying a little bit like... You're telling me you've been in bed before, getting sucked off and... That's not what he said, is it? I wish I had a case to cut my arse. Do you know what I have for you? By the way, if you started fucking in the bed and gone, do you know what?

We should do this in a park. You're an animal. You don't move, do you? But if you're in a place a little bit like you shouldn't be there, it adds to it. The only time... I don't know what you mean if you know if you're in a place it's a little bit like you shouldn't be there it adds to it just the only time i do know what you mean the only time i've ever moved no you don't the only time i've ever moved from the bed when the bed's being way too noisy i like when the bed's being noisy me yeah but there's other like factors in there i kind of like that well if you if you're in a house and there's kids asleep your kids by the way

stop fucking in a noisy bed oh my god we should stop fucking in this orphanage you've got to move to the bed you've got to move from the bed to the floor

no because your knees can't do it there's no give oh fuck on the floor it's awful that's how I snap my banjo what the fuck how did you get out of the bed dick first well no

we moved from i've told you this story before move from the bed to the floor right we need to get off this bed oh well we moved with me still docked oh well there's the problem isn't it you've got to Undock D-Dock D-Dock Oh no It's because you Slapped on the floor Adam One of these strings Has gone But yeah Somewhere different From the bed

Is It just It gets me gone I think it's overrated though It is The shower's overrated Yeah Because it's

Water is not a lubricant I've told you this many times Oh my god How scared of water are you? Open bodies You is not a lubricant i've told you this many times oh my god how scared of water are you open bodies you know as a lubricant just be very careful of water it isn't a lubricant this is from ross thorne dressing gowns overrated to fuck careful i've got four why in different rooms for different reasons. Kimono car. What? One by one. Room by room. Reason by reason.

Bathroom. A toweled one. So you get out and it dries you. I've got two in the dressing room because Seneca will use one and if she's using mine

it'll piss me off so I've always got a spare. And I've got one in the bedroom. All I wear in the house is either nothing or dressing gowns. That's it. Plural?

Yeah. I love a dressing gown, mate. Unbelievable house code for all you fucking bootle goths. If you wake up and you need to go downstairs, you've either got to get dressed

or just, yeah. You're a dressing gown guy, aren't you? Yeah. I didn't used to be, but it's totally won me over. They make me too warm. I need a thin one, I think.

Yeah, I've got a thin one for winter. I've got a tar one from Carden. They make me too warm. I need a thin one, I think. Yeah, I've got a thin one for winter. I've got a towel one from Carden Park. And it's too thick. Yeah, well, that's the one that he's talking about for out of the bath in your shower. But I don't think they dry you enough. No, I don't.

No, they don't dry you, but it's just more absorbent than a... Do you know what I mean, though? Like, they don't dry you like a towel does. No. I dry it and then put it on. I don't get in soaking. But yeah, I've got them all

over the house mate those mornings though when you get up and you put a dressing gown on especially if you're a bit hungover they are good initially

but then you by 10 11 o'clock you're like get one with a hood with a hooded one I'd never get out of it I love them

yeah I'm a I'm a dressing gown I've just done it for that I don't wear them. Yeah, I'm a dressing gown guy. I've just done it for that. I don't wear pyjamas. Yeah, I like a dressing gown. What's the state of yours like?

Because I'm lining up Christmas presents. I've got one. Is it nice? It's navy. Is it old? It's like two years old. Could it do with an upgrade by Christmas? I'd like a really thin one,

but I've got my eye on one. It's 1100 quid. Cool. Well, then you probably get that for yourself. I used to have a slightly over budget. That's a tobacco one. It's 1100 quid. Cool. Well, then you probably get that for yourself. I used to have a Chewbacca one. What? Oh, of course you did. When I was like 11,

I had a Chewbacca one that was thrown out dangerously too late. Oh, really? Yeah. Dan, don't get me one because mum gets me one every Christmas. It's one of the staple gifts. She gets me new dresses.

Don't get me one unless you're going to spend big. Yeah. She also gets me one. I'll take a dress, I guess. That would be nice, yeah. Don't get me one unless you're going to spend big. Yeah. She also gets me one. I'll take a dress of Gal. That'll be nice, yeah. Oh, lovely. Marks and Sparks. Good quality. Oh, they're great for pajamas.

Oh, yeah. Right. This next one is from John Obi Mikel. Oh, for those who listen. Fully prepared. See, we're breaking into Africa. That's how you start.

Defensive midfielder, John Obi Mikel. Wasn't he Norwegian no yeah yeah yeah oh yeah he was yeah Norwegian in South Africa Africa

he's Nigerian no is he Nigerian he came from Norway he came from Norway that's the song that's the song

he came from Norway but he's Nigerian John Obi Mikel there's something in my head it's Chelsea that's their best song ever. I'm thinking about Gunnar Solskjaer. Am I thinking about John Anarisa? Yeah. Dan?

You are correct. No one. He came from Lynn 1896 Football Club. Oh yes. But he is Nigerian. He is Nigerian. So you're both right. Well done everybody. I'm more of a rugby league man. John O.B. Mikel says fully prepared to be called a pa well done everybody I'm more of a rugby league man Johnny McHale says fully prepared to be called a paedophile

but I'm willing to die on this hill taking a cold drink into the shower who drinks in the shower? right can I say that doesn't ring true to me but if you have a bath sometimes and you've got a cold drink that's different

a bath is a different thing yeah because in the bath you're not having a bit of your Pepsi and then. A bath is a different thing. Yeah, because in the bath, you're not having a bit of your Pepsi in and going, what? I just dipped that in the water. It's in the shower. Then the shower's getting in your drink, innit?

How also, how long is his shower? This fella needs to get in the shower and blow his head off with a double-barreled shotgun. The weird cunt. Easy for clean up. How long is he in the shower that he needs a refreshing beverage halfway through? Bloody hell, I've been here two hours

I'm dehydrated and I can't drink this this is for washing you don't drink the shower I think it's disgusting I don't think it's disgusting I think he's a fucking dickhead drinking in the bath

is needed because you dehydrate you need a bottle of water drinking in the bath is great that's required yeah the shower I don't

can't have Pepsipsi in the bath oh a can of pepsi anyway that's specific it has to be pepsi I associate baths with pepsi there you go

I feel insane the pepsi challenge but only in the bath right last one I feel insane the Pepsi challenge but only in the bath right last one from Daniel tasting Coke and Pepsi oh

I could by the way you could go and get them in the interval I'll do it when Tom Stade is sat there I easily will pass that it's the easiest

if you can't win the Pepsi could you do yeah could you do Coke Pepsi Pepsi Max Diet Coke Coke Zero Pepsi Diet easiest if you can't i know could you could you do yeah could you do coke pepsi pepsi max diet coke coke zero pepsi diet could you do the full get them and we'll film it and i'll put it on my socials okay i couldn't do that i could do full fat and not full fat because full fat tastes like sugar i can taste the difference between coke zero and diet coke a hundred percent it's close

but i bet you can do it which one's better I prefer Diet Coke people bum Coke Zero I'm not a big fan I've been converted to Coke Zero on our holiday yes

it's great Steve drinks full fat Coke everywhere and it makes me dead scared yeah because he's a skinny man isn't he no he is

oh he's yeah no he's getting there though alright cool right last underrated overrated this is from Daniel Smith Christmas telly i feel

like it used to be great with decent specials but i've either just gotten older or the qualities regress massively to now just be in the same two shows called the midwife mrs brown's boys every year thoughts it's both it's growing up and they're getting shit yeah it's it's telling it telly's not as good there's other options you've got shit loads you want to watch. Have you got a Christmas in your head where the telly was at its peak? Yeah, Max Brannan. What? Max Brannan. So like 2007?

Max Brannan in the living room. And he's been shagging Stacey. And it's like a video on a telly of the wedding day. And the shagging before the wedding. Yeah. That is go to Christmas telly. I don't think of that.

Yeah. Max Brannan. I associate Christmas with more with the films. Yeah. Max Brannan. I associate Christmas with more with the films that are on the TV specials. I've never been like someone who watches TV as it's being broadcast.

I've always been someone who catches up. So like Shrek on Boxing Day is great if I don't go out. Harry Potter in the build up to Christmas. Yes. Necessarily.

Yeah, something very Christmasy. Christmas morning. Die Hard. I always watch very Christmasy Christmas more than the first one Die Hard I always watch Die Hard around Christmas Is the film you associate with Christmas That's not Christmassy Harry Potter then? But it is Christmassy I don't know why but it is

The first one is because there's a Christmas bit in it But it's all Christmassy I think it should be related to Christmas Harry Potter's never on And it doesn't make me think about Christmas It's like Pepsi and baths I don't think there is a Christmas bit in there, is there?

In the first bit, yeah. In the first one. You've got, I've got presents! I could strike up the tree through the thingy. Right, yeah, of course. You've got a sweater.

I know it's very wintry. Yeah. It's Christmas morning, you get a present. Christians hate Harry Potter, don't they? That's an invisibility cloak. They're really rare. There's only one of them.

Because J.K. Rowling didn't like it. Christians hate Harry Potter, don't they? Because it's witchcraft. If you're a strict, from a strict church, it's seen as witchcraft. It's not real though, is it? It's a film.

Can they not watch any film? No, but it's a story of witchcraft and it goes against the teachings of Jesus Christ. Boring, isn't it? If you're a proper Christian, can you not watch anything that's against the Bible? Can you not watch like fucking

Saving Private Ryan because everyone's shooting each other? That's not in the Bible, is it? What can you watch? No, it's not in the Bible. Yeah, the D-Day landing's not in the Bible. You're right.

Or is it Dunkirk? No, it's D-Day. What is it? Saving Private Ryan. I can't remember. What can you watch, though? The fanatics is out of because they're blown off.

Remember? It's a Christmas bit, isn't it? That's what we watch on Christmas. Saving Private Ryan. All around. No, it's just certain things like set off the church, don't they?

I mean, we're talking you have to be in a pretty like Jehovah's level strict fucking church. On the war buttons. in a pretty like Jehovah's level strict fucking church. Who was he? One of the War Buttons. So stupid. Hello, I'm the Jehovah's man. I'm one of the War Buttons guys.

I think Christmas telly's gone shit because everyone's watching Netflix innit? yeah yeah yeah right bit of advice

what do you got? yeah advice I'll do the advice button yeah? yeah sing over it with your deep voice advice is green sing over it got new buttons

these are going mad in africa all right senegal what's happening? Hi, my name's Damo. I'm a wolf. Come on. This is from Craig. All right, lads, looking for a bit of advice. I was leaving your Birmingham show and almost got lost trying to get back. Ended up bumping into this lad and I asked him for directions.

Seemed nice enough. He helped me get where I was going. Chatting as you would and we ended up getting along so well that we swapped numbers and actually seemed to be becoming mates. But he's just started sending me Bible quotes and spouting off about how he thinks it's wrong they're teaching lgbtq uh plus in schools how do i deal with this it's now clear we're completely different people do i block him or call him out on it only been speaking since may

nice one keep changing the game last month oh my god he's dating someone then, isn't he? Oh my God. Oh. What do you think, Tom? I've just met a guy and he's turned out to be a fucking gimp. Lesson learned. Don't swap numbers

with people where you get lost in the middle of Birmingham and become bezos with them. I mean, he is not your problem, Lyd.

He's not your problem. Just fuck him off. No, you should be sending him LGBTQ plus articles to read daily. Educate him. Yeah. Share videos of, like, drag queens in primary schools. You're complicit. If you're letting this man go on, you're complicit.

Educate him. Silence is violence. Correct. Oh, my God. Then I'm such a violent, violent man. Particularly on Twitter. violence correct oh my god then i'm such a violent violent man particularly on twitter i couldn't give a fuck about some random that helped me get home just be like oh what a knobhead oh gone gone what if it was gordon brown what if it was gordon brown who helped me get home because i got lost

in birmingham city center yeah and then started sending me like aggressive stuff about it. Or Robert Kilroy. Silk. Yeah. Do you know what that is now? Yeah, that would be more confusing. That would be a different layer to it. I can't. I haven't got time for...

Like, genuinely. That's so annoying. I don't know why I know that. It's so unnecessary. Robert Kilroy. Silk. Honestly, if my mates start going weird on me, I'll fuck them off as well.

I don't even, like, I've got such a short amount of time. That's why I keep a lot of my opinions to myself, because I know you wouldn't like them. Yeah. And then the podcast will be over, and I need it, so. Yeah. You know what I want to know about uh people who come from certain places robert killed just couldn't give a fuck no no i'm wrong okay i remember being on a night out

and in manchester danish people stink oh whoa bacon um and there was some fucking like one of our mates was like having a drunken debate with, like, a young Tory. And they were like, I just can't believe it. They're a fucking member of the Conservative Party. And I'm just like, what are you doing? And I was like, yeah, but we're on a night out and I don't know the little cunt.

So it's not my problem. Yeah, but everyone's a stranger until you know them. Yeah, but if you're a young Conservative, I don't need to get drunk with you and have a debate on. Like, why? yeah but if you're a young conservative I don't need to get drunk with you and have a debate on like why have you never met anybody in the wild yeah yeah I enjoyed it but if they're an arsehole

no but they weren't an arsehole the problem is he wasn't an arsehole I'm sorry I'm saying that yeah in the moment but a month later he's been a fucking gimp via text cool it's not my problem I'm saying that yeah in the moment but a month later he's being a fucking gimp via text cool it's not my problem I'm gone as if you're arguing

like you don't have to feel responsible but like I can just detach from it and go yeah you're a gimp I don't care right

do you know what I mean you debated gun control for about four hours with a man holding a gun in Nashville um that's the there's so many mistruths

in that it's unbelievable um so many mistruths in that, it's unbelievable. So there was, the ranchers in Tennessee were dead sound and I liked them as people and then we started talking about gun control. No, I think he meant in the shop. In what? In the shop. We weren't debating it, we were just asking him questions.

No, I wasn't talking about the shop, I was talking about the ranch. Did Gary have a gun? No. Gary's got a gun. They all had guns. What? They all had. At the ranch, they all had guns. Yeah, and I was asking questions

and we were talking about it. But I liked them. And they weren't being... Now, at what point did you get, lads, shut up? Oh, yeah, I forgot that bit when he threatened my life with a gun. Oh, yeah.

No, but I don't mind that. That's interesting. That's interesting. If you meet some guy and you're like, oh, he seems quite sound. And within a month, he's sending you anti-gay texts. Not going to go, right,

we're going to have to meet up again and I'm going to have to educate this person. I couldn't give a shit. Deleted. No, don't meet them. Just send them a picture of you going, eh. Just keep sending them gay porn. And trans porn.

He'll block you eventually. Yeah. Have you seen this? They're teaching this in schools. That's my retort. Fighting. You sucking a dick? No.

Oh, right, sorry. A picture of a man sucking a dick. That's when you're really... That's when you're really going against the violence is... Silence is violence. I'll suck a dick and then text you it. Not even WhatsApp. I'll pay.

This fella sounds... Like he just, yeah. The thing is, right, the right thing to do is try and educate them. But who can be arsed? Is that Martin Luther King? But that's it though, innit? Like, can you be arsed trying to convince someone they're wrong?

Have you ever spoken to someone about anything they deeply care about? That you're on the opposite side of the debate to and got to the end of it and had them go, I'm on your side now? Has that ever happened? So what are we doing? Let's just let people be honorable

and leave them over there and try and protect people from them. The guys in Tennessee gave me their guns and were like, you know what? You're right. Take these guns. I've got seven at home as well. I'm going to have to send them to you. But you're right. Was know what? You're right. Take these guns. I've got seven at home as well. I'm going to have to send them to you.

But you're right. Was that Gary? That was Gaz. No, of course, you're right. Because they're just, they're arguing their point, aren't they? But if I don't care for the person, that's not my fucking problem.

You were in danger there. Me and Adam saw the danger. I don't think you remember that when it got a bit eggy, when Cowboy come over and was basically shouting at you. Because you were quite drunk. You were blathered.boy come over and was basically shouting at you. Because you were quite drunk. You were blathered.

Yeah. But Cowboy was shouting at you. Saying what? That, like, you don't understand, and if we got rid of them, only the bad guys would have guns and stuff. Yeah, I understand. Yeah.

I remember, yeah, it was a discussion about guns. It's a different country. If you get rid of the guns, it's just the bad guys are going to have guns. And you're like, no, no, no, no. wasn't that's not true i wasn't going no no no you should get rid of your guns i was talking about no i yeah i get what you're saying but it wasn't i wasn't going you're fucking idiots you shouldn't have guns that's what that wasn't what i was saying no that isn't what you were saying that's not what i've just said you were

saying you called him an old senile cunt you see this is why it's so hard to have this discussion because everyone's like yeah i'm bored of the actual truth now you uh you tried to finger him and said shoot me then you've got a gun and then he you know you fingered him it wasn't that it was fine it was an eggy debate for a bit yeah yeah a little bit i was worried for you yeah because i because i think guns are fucking horrific. Yeah. Fun, though, to shoot. Yeah, but to live like that, surrounded in the fear. You know what we were talking about? What's your biggest fear? To Americans, it's people coming in their home

with a gun and murdering everyone. And that's because kind of a chance it will happen. They live in a state of fear. And I wasn't just trying to antagonize them, but i genuinely feel sorry for people in the states that that live like that because it's a it's a fear that feeds fear like shit they've all got guns we need loads of guns oh fucking awful i agree absolutely agree um go on next one right so this is from anonymous all right lids i'd like to stay

anonymous please long time listener first time caller i'll get straight into it like adam i grew up with an alcoholic mum which always puts me off drinking but i started drinking at uni and now i'm 24 i only ever drink when i'm going out out however i want to stop completely as i don't enjoy it but i fear the fomo and feel like i won't get invited to social events etc if i stopped drinking what advice have you got for me you're right get a gum just shut up and have a pint will you you fucking idiot yeah but haven't you said before that you want to quit drinking before you have kids you must have some of the same i think. I think the idea of having kids, I think I would want to drink a lot less around them

and maybe I've thought about it, but I'm not like, before I start trying for children, I'll quit drinking. So something about- I don't think I want them to see me drunk and I wouldn't drink in the house once I've got kids. Yeah.

They'd only see me drunk at like a special occasion, like a wedding or something. Yeah, which is healthy, isn't it? I can't be around my kids pissing on window just coming no is there something about having the alcoholic parents that's just is it is there like a if we're talking about fears like he that kid's got alcoholism in his family and it's setting off an anxiety in him like i don't want to end up like that like you can go one of three ways if you've got an alcoholic parent you can be oh this is what it's like and you just drink like they did you can be people who are like oh i don't drink at all because my mom and dad drank and then there's the only other option is you drink and you try and

keep an eye on it which is what i try and do but, I've got it in me to go fucking on a session for a few days. But I'm quite good at going, oh, I won't drink for a week or two weeks. Yeah, to prove that you don't have to. It's not to prove, it's just to give myself a rest from it. Yeah. Like, I don't need to prove it to myself

because I know I can do it. It's just, I've been drinking too much. I need to not do it for a bit to reset myself. That's it. It's the thing where you go, if you don't know you can stop then it's not about your mum being an alcoholic or whatever it's about going oh i'm not in control the reason i end up i'm probably not going to end up doing coke again is because there's something in it that stops me having that control going don't like if you can go now i don't want to tomorrow or the next

day or for a week or whatever if you know in your heart if you need to stop you can then i don't think it's a massive issue and it's when you go i'm not in control that i think you need to start going right well what am i going to do about it that guy's just worried about the future isn't it but it hasn't happened yet do you know what i mean yeah i get the social anxiety of what am i gonna do when all my mates are drinking and i'm not drinking you need to be okay with going out sober when people are drunk and that's very difficult because when people are drunk and you're sober it's not always fun yeah they have arguments with people with guns in tennessee yeah and it's a worry and they finger them in the ass it's it's just not... We're the wrong people to ask, really.

Well, not really, because I do it. Yeah, I think I was going to say me and you are more likely to do that, aren't we? Yeah, but you actually don't do what he's talking about. Because when you're not having a drink... Oh, I'll just go home. You just go home. You don't stay in the situation.

Because it is difficult. Being sober and drunk, people, is essentially just impossible. Like in Tenerife if you didn't stay out any night no as soon as we were drinking you knew you didn't want to you were like i'm going home the only reason you stay out he wants to be able to do what you were doing but then stay out very very very it's almost impossible staying out till three in the morning is because of booze nearly all the time you can go out for the early part of the night food and drinks and everything

but that point where your mates get too pissed and you're sober there's a tipping point where you're like well this isn't fun because you're not on their wavelength yeah

get someone on your on your level who's happy to do the same maybe but again that's not very it's not very likely but you weren't you weren't going to bed

at like nine were you you were still coming out until like midnight but like but that's the tipping point isn't it where the night goes from like you decide what you want to do

with your night then and also that was a skewed time because we were going we were going for dinner at like 8 and 9 o'clock like it's not like Carla being out since 6

yeah I just I wasn't in Tennessee for night out so I don't give a fuck the older you are the easier this gets when you're 19 20 years old

it's all about what everyone's doing you're part of the group at the time you're Dante you might just want to have a sc about what everyone's doing. You're part of the group. At the time you're dancing, you might just want to have a scrabble night in some cofters. Just play drafts. Sounds unbelievable.

That does sound good. Have a break. Scrabbling cofters for a night. What a special that's going to be. Let's have a break. Fuck, I'm excited for today's guest. You make sure you put the handsome filter on all right it's not working must not be working tom states bye

how are you tommy i'm always good adam you know this is how i live my life this is what i do i'm tom this is my role Let's not make it hard. I can't imagine you in a bad mood. No. Well, I'm never in a bad mood. I bury all my anger down deep inside. I'm mentally unhealthy. That's what I'm going to say.

No, that's a bad word. I'm not mentally unhealthy. I'm mentally out of shape. That's where i am like if i was walking down the road you know i don't look like i'm gonna stab you but you know i don't know you know you were telling us i i told them not to expand on this because you went in the room and we went recording recording. Yeah, yeah. You are going to be a minister this weekend. I'm going to be a minister. Yeah, I'm going to go

and marry, going to go marry Ailey and my good buddy Gareth. Gareth Much, another comma. Yeah, if I can plug the dudes,

plug. How did that work? I'm so corporate. Can I plug something? And Ailey is the Ely is the daughter is the daughter of Jojo Sutherland yes she is

and I'm gonna yeah it's a very comedy wedding this isn't it oh it's gonna be fucking beautiful because I get to riff whatever the fuck

I want I'm gonna tell them God's in the room I'm gonna turn it into the most religious event they've ever seen oh you're gonna

play it straight. You're going to go really religious. I have a job to do here. Leviticus. Have you got a robe? No, I've got pink pants. I've got pink slacks, a really cool tuxedo shirt. And I've also got a fucking Afro wig.

And I'm going to black up. It's for comedians, not like they get the intent. Nobody had to, they love it. They love the idea. If I first, will you dress exactly the same and do my funeral? Or can we not just get Tom

to do it? He's taking booking. It'll be my second one. So I'll be and not just get Tom to do it. He's taking bookings. It'll be my second one, so I'll be better at it the second time. Have you never done anything like this before? I have never done anything like that before, Adam. No, I'm sitting there. I'm going to tease

these two. They got two they've got like two do questionable best men dudes in there. So I'm going to go with that. I'm going to slag.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to slag one of the audience members off. Audience? Yeah, yeah. That's how I even see it. It's not a gathering. It's an audience. It's about to be the greatest performance of my life, really. Are you going to tape it and put it's not a gathering it's an audience it's about it's about to be the greatest performance of my life really are you gonna tape it and put it out as a special of course

welcome tom stayed to tiktok here we fucking roll are you actually filming it though you've got to film we have to i'm pretty sure gareth and uh ailey will and then you know i'll fucking piggyback off of their fucking success you know clips yeah just just tag me in your weird wedding fucking so have you officially have you been ordained have you been ordained no no that's that they've already been married this is just a pony fucking show you think i'm going to go out and get my wedding license? I haven't got the time. Carl's got a wedding license. I talk about 15 minutes on the internet.

Are you fucking serious, man? I can marry you right now, Tom. Let's do it. Oh, hang on. Before Tom. Finn. Welcome to success. Before Tom leaves today, can we get him ordained?

I'll call Trudy tonight. Ordain him now. We're getting him. Tom, we're going to ordain you. We, can we get him ordained? I'll call Trudy tonight. Ordain him now. We're getting him ordained. We're going to get you ordained now. Okay, I'll do it, Matt. Let's do that before Friday. And so, like, it's a real thing. Except I'll divorce them that day.

All powerful. Surprise! Last time you joined us on an industrial estate in Runcorn yeah that was hilarious I always loved trying to find that even my google maps

went where the fuck this place doesn't exist you brought the the wife down last time Trudy yeah yeah yeah no Trudy this time no I'm fine

solo man okay when you guys when you guys gave me the fucking hotel room, and she was like, fuck, I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday. I can't come. And I went, aw.

So sad. Get a break from me judging you 24 hours a day. Hotel's nice. Never stayed in a hotel before. Yeah, it was cool as fuck, man. You know, it's better when you're like on your own. You know what I mean? Like, I like fucking.

Because you can shout wank. Yeah, you can do a fucking like, she's got a thing about towels on the fucking floor. Yeah. This sounds like I'm going into a bit. Like she likes them on the floor. But it's an actual true thing. Yeah, yeah. Does she likes them on the floor but it's an actual true thing yeah yeah does she like them on the floor no she fucking hates them so i do it on purpose adam because i'm my own man and no one is gonna tell me what to do it's called toxic masculinity

and i'm fucking i got a lot of it, man. So my girlfriend a while back told me it drives her mad when I leave the lid off the toothpaste. Yeah, of course. So now I'm very conscious of it. But instead of putting it on the toothpaste, I've just started hiding it around the bathroom. So I leave the toothpaste out, but I don't leave, I used to leave the lid next to it until she brought it up.

Now I go, oh, it's been in the bath. It's been buried in the drawer with all the fucking toiletries and shit. It's been right at the bottom of the laundry. It's been everywhere but on the fucking toothpaste because you don't tell me what to do with a fucking toothpaste lid. You know what I mean? I get winched about where my toothbrush goes all the time. It's a constant.

I'm like, I'm not the problem here. We've got a six-year-old who is trying to brush her teeth, pouring half the tube out and then just rubbing it in the time. It's a constant. I'm like, I'm not the problem here. We've got a six-year-old who is trying to brush her teeth, pouring half the tube out and then just rubbing it in the basin. And I'm the one that's at fault. Like, you didn't put your toothbrush

exactly where I said it should be. Like, it's a fucking minty mess everywhere else. I'm not the issue. Tom, tell me what I've gained.

Welcome, Tom Stade, to the congregation of the Universal Life Church. Easy as that. Look out, Gert and I. I'm coming. The Universal Life Church.

Yeah. Oh, wow. You can legally officiate weddings across the US. Oh. There you go. You can impress your friends, family, and peers. You know what? I really want you to email me that.

I will. Yeah, totally. I'm taking that. That's our wedding gift. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. To say, that's the wedding gift from Have A Word to Gareth and Ailey. Congratulations.

We all know it probably won't work. And it's always good when you get your credentials. People these days don't like staying together. It's amazing when you get your credentials don't like staying it's amazing when you get your credentials and like now you'll want to tweet about it on pinterest or email there you go my god it's legal do you not like weddings you said you don't you're not a fan of weddings i mean this one's going to be a fun one this one will be hilarious but the reason is is it's cost me money already dan like i don't like like i have i've forked out like about 900 pounds to go and see these two cunts if you ask me like fucking hey do you want

to come to my wedding and i can show up in a nice jacket and some jeans and drink your beer fuck yeah man but as soon as like that money could be used for gambling. Could have went to way better things. What's your gambling game? What's your gamble? All of it, Adam. You ever see those Instagram AI things that tell seven successes of life? You ever seen those?

Yeah. Just so I'm not talking. Yeah. Well, I subscribe to those all the time. And every time it goes, five signs you have a weak mind. I'm like, We've just got back from...

Fucking like the weakest. We've just got back from Tenerife and I wanted to go and gamble, but no one would come with me. I just got back from Tenerife and I wanted to go and gamble but no one would come with me I wish you were in Tenerife with us

which would have you done would you go cards like I like I like blackjack and I like roulette yeah okay

I'll do blackjack with you man because that's awesome because I like fucking pissing them cunts off on the table man 17

hit watch some dudes life savings that was my college money I've got like a pound on two squares I like roulette because it's fair it's as fair as it can get yeah

as long as you trust the casino which I do yeah yeah why is there dodgy casinos yeah yeah they can be like

weighted balls etc magnetic balls what magnetic balls yeah not on the famous gambling island

of Tenerife though I'm sure they'll be fine there were they good? I know, was it a good casino? where are the good casinos? Las Vegas, obviously Vegas Atlantic City and Carlisle, those are my top three

yeah, yeah, yeah fucking Carlisle, what a town if you're gigging in Carlisle, you're already gambling just hookers and fucking Carlisle, what a town. If you're gigging in Carlisle, you're already gambling. Just hookers and fucking gambling in the nightlife of Carlisle. End up at a house party somewhere. The first gig I ever got booked to headline was in Carlisle. Yeah. Ever.

I got 120 quid and I took me girlfriend and her friends up. And the hotel cost 60 quid. And that was the good one. And the other 60 quid, we just went out. Old memory lane. There's a tear in Adam's eyes when he thinks of this. Can somebody get a tissue? Such a bad gig.

That's how you know you're new in comedy. We're like guys this is a gig yes it's two hours away but it's going to be worth it because you've heard of Carlisle

and obviously we're going to the casino afterwards you have to my girlfriend got obsessed as well because we were sharing a hotel room

with her friends and I tried to have sex with her in the same room and she was like this is bad they're over there and I was like

oh okay cool I have a question you can't skim by that I have a question on that who tried to have sex with her in the same room and she was like, this is bad. They're over there. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. I have a question. You can't skim by that, but I have a question on that. Yeah. Did you say my girlfriend and her friend? Friends. Friend, so fucking other friends. And her friend's boyfriend

were on the other side of the room in a bed. Okay. We were staying on like a blow-up bed on the floor. Okay. It's time to fuck. Everything about this is, it's time to fuck. Bitch, I've just closed Carlisle.

And I have six pounds. Headlines on the floor. This is happening. She said no until they started to fuck. Fuck, I'm out of breath. You're a simultaneous fuck. Well, they started, like, fucking. So she was like, oh, well, if they're doing it, then we can.

How big was this room? 60 quid in Carlisle would be a big room. That's the presidential swing. Oh, you want the east wing? Would your wife do that she did it twice and that didn't put fucking toothpaste what came out of her vagina was a toothpaste monster. Do you think it's weird? No, no, what I'm saying, like,

damn, okay, so you and your, you go out on a couple's, whatever, and you're sharing a room. Yeah. Would a married person hear them fucking?

Well, Agnes, we should fuck. Agnes? Oh, Aggie, Aggie, Aggie.

Oh, Aggie. Aggie, Aggie. Oh, Aggie. Genuinely, I can't share a room with my wife with everything. We sleep in separate rooms. I'm not sharing with her and then some other cunts. Yeah, yeah. Trudy, Trudy, Trudy. One sec, just one sec.

Tom, just one sec. One sec, sorry. When you go on holiday, do you and Laura sleep in separate bedrooms? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get separate hotels. It's great. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't believe it.

That marriage is going to work. You share a room on holiday? I can speak. Oh, if we're on the same holiday. Well, yeah. It's a weird circumstance you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, we do share a room. You're right.

Oh, yeah. Do you get twin beds, though? What? Do you get twin beds or do you share a bed on holiday? I mean, my preference is twin, I think, because she's a roller, you know? Yeah. She's a guffer and a roller.

A guffer? The noises, the movement, the kicks. She's so hot. If she's guffing, doesn't that mean fanny fighting? That's queefing. Oh. She's a queefer. A lot of things need clearing up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's a guff? I didn't know what a guff was either. But I think it's a cultural thing. I mean, they're loud. I can hear them from the other side of the corridor. No, she's just, she's not an easy woman to share a bed with. No, no, I'm not.

Me and her would kill each other. Like, if we swapped, me and her would fucking fist fight it out in that fucking bed for sure special wife swap yeah yeah just just for the sleeping part you true true it has to turn around so whenever i wake up with her it's always her feet are there yeah because she doesn't want to hear my snoring from all my fucking illegal activities throughout the years

that have destroyed my sinuses. She doesn't like that. So she sleeps top and tail? Yeah, she'll turn around if for whatever reason she can't sleep through the thunder. Okay? Fuck, she'll just turn around.

And I always wake up with her feet, and then I'll just start sucking her toes. This is fucking, and my boner will come. Yeah, Laura's going to love this wife swap, by the way. Stop saying Laura, your name's Agnes. I role play. I love it. I want you to be a Scottish widower.

I've started top and tailing, by the way. No. Come on. In the heat, it's good as well. No. In the heat? No. I've seen your fucking toenails.

You can't have them in a woman's head. I like to wedge my feet in between my mattress and my backboard. Case isn't ethical. I like to wedge my feet in between my mattress and my backboard the case is an earthquake because I like it you're sleeping at sea on your front yeah so I sleep like that

so like I either have to spread my feet out or his feet would naturally be pointing down. So I put them in the gap between the bed and the headboard. Why is that? It's comfy. Of all the fucked up things you've said in the last 15 minutes,

everyone's like, don't know where to go with that. It's comfy. Makes me feel safe. Is another person in the bed with you? Sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. Waking up to those toes. I heard that and I bookmarked it so I could bring that back a little later.

Because nobody's sucking on Adam's toes, man. I've got bad feet. I know. I know. Fucking so do I. Mine go off like a fucking penguin. Weirdo fucking shit. Yeah. Yeah. those are them.

Those actually should be behind... That's how he celebrates V-Day. Everyone's doing that. Adam just gets his feet up. It's the New York thing. It's the 3-0. Two World Cups and one two world wars and one world cup

3-0 lad he's had his feet on this desk so much over the years hasn't he yeah I honestly think

with all those gross things with your feet and all your mangt you've just got to get on with it a little bit haven't you yeah like I know

I take the piss out of Laura snoring and stuff but it's fine you know if I had to share the bed I'd be fine and when she's like oh that's gross that's gross I take the piss out of Laura snoring and stuff. But it's fine, you know. If I had to share the bed, I'd be fine.

And when she's like, oh, that's gross, that's gross. Ew. Yeah, but I'm not fucking you. I'm allowed to be like, oh, God. You've got to accept the gross. You do have to accept the gross. Oh, yeah. For sure, man. Fuck it.

I've got tons of it. There's no way. Yeah. Laura's guffing. Yeah. I think it's funny. What's gutter? She's just in the bed going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah no way. Yeah, Laura's guffing. Yeah. I think it's funny. What's guffing? She's just in the back going,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I was actually with Freddie Quinn. Old Doberman arse. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is she sleeping? Is she awake when she's making these noises? Yeah.

I don't know. Sometimes wakes herself up with a fart, yeah. Yeah. You wake up to the fart? She's a windy woman. Wow. Sometimes Laura farts and wakes herself up, you know, like a dog. Oh, no way, man.

Have I met Laura? I've met Laura. Have I met Laura yet? I don't know, but call her Agnes when you do. I will. It's Agnes and the toothpaste kids. I hear you're windy like a Doberman. She'll know. She'll know.

She'll know. Oh, God, man. You and Dan, you've been talking. Yeah, man. Liverpool, one of your favorite places to gig. You must enjoy it. Did you record your special here? Of course I did, Dan.

Fucking Hangar 34. Fucking just down there somewhere. Over there. Yeah, yeah, we did it. It was fucking called it live in Liverpool. That's how much I love this fucking place. Okay, they said, where do you want it? I said, fucking live in Liverpool. and are you gonna put it on youtube

fuck that shit what was it where is it it's on a paywall because because everybody puts their specials out on youtube now. Yeah. It's not even special anymore. Yeah. Every time I see it go, oh, it's another YouTube special. It isn't, though, is it? Like, if it was the first one. Yeah. So it's like, and then you got to, yeah,

and then you're just out there competing, and then hopefully, whatever, you get however many likes and fuck that, man. Fucking, you know. You want to make some money? Fucking rights. And anybody who says any different is lying. Because even putting it on YouTube,

you're trying to make money, right? From future ticket sales, yeah. For future ticket sales. Fuck, I said fuck future ticket sales. I want current casino tokens. I want casino tokens. Where can they find the Tom? You can go to tomstay.com to my excellent website,

which I barely look at because I've got people fucking working it from Singapore for 50 bucks a month. I'm an exploiter. When it comes to fair trade, I go, fuck that. I want this in my favor, bitch. I don't see anything wrong with

exploiting people. We exploited idiots in Tenerife Airport. Didn't we? In the Burger King queue. There were. I think we just joined the queue that no one wants to join, you know. Yeah.

So we got to Tenerife Airport. We were away last week. And these guys,n was getting racially profiled what's that what happened turkish where are you getting turkish they thought you were turkish yeah he is no no he is turkish huh no he is turkish oh he is turkish i knew i didn't like you if i saw you in my house, I'd racially profile you. Who the fuck let the suit? No, I don't. What are the Turks about? What are the Turks?

Are they the... Fucking get this cunt a hooker pipe. Is it a hooker pipe? He loves a hooker pipe. He loves a hooker. Yeah. I don't know why I said that. He loves a male hooker. What's a hooker pipe? A hooker pipe. It's a hooker. He loves a male hooker.

What's a hooker pipe? It's a prostitute's dick. Anyway, when he got through, it was the biggest queue I've ever seen at a Burger King. What? It must have been 250 people. And Adam was like, yeah, I don't think this queue's for me. There must be another queue for me.

Excuse me. I've got fast track on Burger King and it worked we spent £128 on Burger King so we'd paid for that space I still don't understand what happened so there's a long queue

there was a queue in Burger King that was maybe an hour long and we walked past it and then went we just go and stand over there and basically bypassed about 45 minutes. Oh, you pulled the, I wouldn't expect

any left from a Turk. There was two queues. Yeah. Right. You've not, I'm not Turkish, I'm Spanish. I'm Canadian,

I can say whatever the fuck I want. It's in our constitution. Maybe that's special. Can I get a bottle of water, man? I need some water. Can we get Tom a bottle of water? Yeah, fuck it. Before he's any more racist.

I could get it myself. You're not a fan of kebabs, Tom? Huh? You're not a fan of kebabs? I like kebabs. Yes, I do. Exactly. You got my families to thank forbabs? I like kebabs. Yes, I do. Exactly. You got my families to thank for that.

Your family did that? Yeah. Fucking nice, Ben. I think all Turks should thank your family. They should. What were the Turks eating before they had kebabs? Just Brussels sprouts. Soil.

Oh, thanks. Soil? Yeah, soil. Soil? Just dirt eaters? Yeah. From what I've heard. Did someone throw that bottle in

no no it just appeared in your hand I didn't see it happen what's your last name then Finn just out of curiosity oh good luck Cullivers

Cullivers like Gullivers but with a K oh Gullivers but it looks like Gullivers Cullivers yeah that's not happening Gullivers. Like Gullivers, but with a K. Oh, Gullivers. But it looks like Gullivers. Yeah, that's not happening.

I'll never use Mr. and your last name together. That's fine. Finn's fine. Isn't it a fake name anyway? Yeah, it's not a real name. They made a name up of it. What? Yeah. So in Turkey, I think it's about 150 years ago now,

they had like a census kind of thing where everyone had to pick a surname from a list there was a certain amount of talking about racial profiling that you could pick yeah it was when attatook came in um and they put so the the surname is kill of us k-i-l-a i can't even remember how to spell my own name uh and there was a spelling mistake on the form that my great granddad or whoever it was submitted. So we're the only family in the world with this name. And no one can say it.

Because your grandpa was dumb? Yeah, pretty much. We're actually the only people in the world with this name. Because my granddad was a... Hang on, on the sense of the word... Couldn't even spell right. Can you just write down a name and that's your name no you had to choose

one of them oh that'd be sick I'd be writing all kinds that's what happened at Ellis Island a lot didn't it when the immigrants were coming in

there was a guy with a big piece of paper and they were like if the name was too long and they couldn't be asked they just gave them the shortened version of it so if they were coming

from Italy or say they were coming from Russia the guy would get bored after like the sixth letter and be like yeah yeah that's your name that's why all the italians in like new york have got like mad names like johnny bones it's just easy to yeah that's it johnny it's johnny bones he works down the ship i'm not riding that ship you're johnny bones you're Johnny Bones. You're Johnny Fingers. Short for? Finger roller? No.

Johnny Fingers. That's Johnny Fingers. He works down the docks. Typing. I learned so much on this program. Yeah. I feel like I'm on Sesame Street right now. Fucking Johnny Fingers.

Like, that's how lazy you got after all. Just give him a body part fucking fucking here you are Tony no knees fuck off yeah he's scary Tony no knees

yeah yeah it's Tony no knees he's got straight legs he walks like he walks like a fucking pirate after a hundred years it's just no knees Tony no knees

Tony two tellies you know that one yeah that's a Scouse one what after a hundred years it's just nonis Tony nonis Tony two tellies you know that one yeah that's a Scouse one what people get called two tellies if they go to the gym too much oh right

because it looks like they're carrying two tellies up in Tony two tellies over there in the gym that's fucking great. I got reminded that my cousin

texted me and said I'm working with... There we go. I'm working with a lad called Fudge. He says he knows you. And he called Fudge. And I remembered Fudge. And I remembered, I do.

Oh Fudge. How did you forget Fudge? He forgets him, called Fudge. Who the fuck's Fudge? Yeah, why is he called Fudge? He's fat. Because he was fat. But then he got really skinny. he called fudge he was fat because he was fat yeah did you have nicknames at school tom what did you have any nicknames uh well thanks for asking, Dan. Of course I did.

You can't have the name stayed, not have every fucking... The youngest one was Tom... Was Tom stayed, everybody else left. It's a fucking... It's good wordplay, but it's a bit lost. Everybody loved me stealing a pig in a way i ran i remember that lawn lots and and then they just after a while they just said hey fuck face i just realized i'm getting fudge mixed up with pie what what there's a kid called Pie Pie

oh so when he went oh I know a lad called Fudge you were like oh shit I do know Fudge no I know Pie yeah no there was a lad called George and he got called Georgie Pie

but he had a bit of weight on him so then he was just Pie but then he lost all the weight right Fudge is just Fudge is that how is every fat kid in Liverpool just called something like

Trifle yeah oh yeah do you know Tidimisu yeah an old Tidimisu know Tidimisu? Yeah, I know Tidimisu. Tony Tidimisu. Yeah. Yeah.

He's doing Slimming World with fucking chocolate gato. I'd just be gato, wouldn't he? Saturday. Right, gato, love. Gato is a pelton. Where's gato? He's at the bar. John Gatty.

Yeah, you don't want to be fat in fucking Liverpool man that's fucking what did they call you then Adam porky I was actually porky for a bit buckle in for this thigh eye thigh eye

oh no way man that's class though that's class I would take thigh eye yeah oh no way man that's class though yeah that's class I would take thigh eye yeah well I've got a muscle that was taken out of my leg and my eyelid holy

Adam what percentage of you is really Adam oh no it's still me oh it's not someone else's leg they took it out of my leg and put it in my eyelid

so it got called thigh eye oh I get it oh shit they can do that yeah i was the only kid who could do heads and bollies at the same time and to think i love it when we get an old line in yeah that works can i try to remember all these nicknames? 260. My nickname was 260 for a bit.

Because on own clothes day. Okay, own clothes day. Where you could go in not in uniform. That was every day for us, Adam. It's called freedom. It's called freedom. The days that they weren't indoctrinating us into these schools. I went in and a load of stuff from Hugo Boss, and one of the lads was taking the piss out of me saying, your clothes are shit.

And I said, fuck off, this cost 260 quid. For five years. 260. I love your friends. Here's another one. My auntie's a stylist. It's a long one. Yeah, I tried a new hairstyle at one point.

Mate, I'm going back in the vault for these nicknames. I tried a new hairstyle. Mate. And everyone was going, what the fuck have you done with your hair? And I said, it looks good. And they said, no done with your hair and I said it looks good and they said no it doesn't and I said your opinion doesn't matter because my auntie said it looks good

and my auntie's a stylist and none of that's true so they called me my auntie's a stylist you couldn't deviate away from anything if you had anything different you were fucked power ballad

you were Alan power ballad Alan yeah yeah fuck Adam I don't know

why you're not more scarred did you have any just like fuck nobody picked on me like that man it wasn't getting

picked on it was his mates it was all shit oh that, man. Who wasn't getting picked on? It was his mates. Oh, it was his mates. It wasn't. This was people who I would invite to my wedding. Well, they were. Yeah, we'd like to invite you to the wedding of 260 and Cheesecake. She's lost a bit of timber.

Cheesecake. They've been in love since school. 260, cheesecake, everybody. Oh, fuck. I didn't have one, no, it's just Carl. That's hilarious. Carlos, maybe. Got to push.

Yeah. Easy, man. That's funny, but you hard in school. The hard kids never had nicknames. They just had like one name and then no one fucked with them. Were you a bit like mean? Yeah, I used to batter everyone.

No. Yeah. What fun nicknames did you have, Carl? None. They called me Mr. Carl. Because they fucking knew. Yeah. You saw me spinning.

I kicked some kids out, cleaned off one, seemed like he's just Carl in. Right. You got some anti-Semitic abuse for a while. That was only from you? No, that was only from you? That was you?

And that was in private as well? What you've just said there is I said some horrible things to you once. That was your nickname in school? You did have some anti things to you once. No, you didn't. I was your nickname in school. You did have some semantic abuse, you know, on WhatsApp. Never. He called me. No.

Listen, preemptive yellow card. Oh, what? Hey. Oh, God. Were they, did you have the one psycho kid at school? The that you were always freaked out about yeah michael eaton michael oh yeah let's name the psycho yeah oh michael i hope you're watching if you're still alive yeah michael eaton oh that kid was scary he was kind of bright but something was not there he used to hold on to boiling hot radiators and be like, I don't feel anything.

What? I'm telling you. I'm telling you. No one fucked with Michael Eaton. Like, we had lads in our school. How have we done so much school chat and you've never brought this cunt up? He was.

He was. He was. Right? He was inexplicably cockney. No one knew his history. Michael Heaton, you mean? Michael Heaton. He was inexplicably Cockney. No one knew his history. Michael Heaton, you mean? Michael Heaton. He was Cockney.

No one really had the backstory. It's like, all right, I'm Michael Heaton. This is in a school in Lancashire, and everyone was so scared of him, we really didn't have the reason. You've employed him to do your garden now. Hello? I've caught myself.

I can't feel it. You know, in like old schools, there was like pipes that should not be fucked with because they were like feeding the whole like school. He'd hold onto them and everyone would be like, oh, that's hot. And he'd be like, I don't feel it. I don't feel anything.

I don't feel anything. How long for? Hours. Hours. In fact, he thought it was a fucking contest if he didn't take his hand off this radiator he would win a car

good night and get out yeah Michael Eaton he's in the car door where he's been for the last three months yeah Michael

proving to everybody how fucking psycho he is we've all been off school I've been here all Easter. Do you have any psychos at your school, Finn? Yeah, Callum, he put some chewy in my hair. Oh, what'd you do? Psychopath.

Nothing, it's still there. I didn't know he was new to the school. I didn't know he was hard. We were playing five-a-side. It got a bit heated. I pushed him. I didn't know. I was just playing footy, and I was a little fat kid, so I was like, okay, I can... It was before any of us had pushed him. I didn't know. I was just playing footy and I was a little fat kid. So I was like, okay, I can. It was before any of us had like grown.

So I was like, okay, I can handle myself. I'm fat. I'll just shoulder barge in. Did that. And then later on. Shoulder barge? Yeah.

Four shoulders. Shoulder barge? Fuck off. And later on, he just. Shoulder barge? He came behind me and was like.

Yes. He put like his arm around me. It was like, oh, good game. But what he was actually doing was he put a chewy in my hair. And I had to go bald after that. What happened with his arms? No, I just didn't notice. That's a snide move, that. That's a snide move.

That doesn't really say you're hard, though. Like, that's not hard. He later what he later, what? He, he, he came in front of the librarian. What?

Stop playing. Yeah. He, he came. Wait, how, Finn, can I just teach you how to have conversations?

You know, if someone goes, hey, was any psychos at your school? And the two stories you've got about a man, and he put Chewie in the air, and he cum in front of the librarian. I was making it personal first, and then I'll tell you this.

You always lead with jizz in front of a librarian. What do you mean he cum in front of the librarian? He was having a... And then he put gum in my hair. That's the way it was. Was it cum? And a little bit of cum. He was having a wank

in the library as you do when you're 13 and then the librarian went what are you doing? He was like doesn't matter does it?

And then like revealed himself and came in front of the librarian. What? And got instantly expelled from the school. He got suspended.

I didn't see him again. Suspended? What, he's back three days later? Hey, teach, guess who's back? Did he go to jail for that? He was 13. No, but I mean, you're going to expel for things you get jailed for? What year was it?

What year was it? Yeah. That all depends if you're going to jail or not. 2011? 2011. Yeah. Were they fucking the students in 2011? Not in real life.

They're all fucking psychos. Where did he come on at? No, I think he just came on the table. If you come on at a library or a school. What was his name? Callum. Callum, that's it. You've come on the table.

And do you know what? You're getting punished now. We're turning all the radios off. You can't switch any of them for a week. That's a hot wank. We only had more than us, Tom. I bet you, I bet you, just wait. I bet you, what was his name again?

Callum. Callum? I bet you Callum fucking jerks off to that moment every day of his fucking life man the day like that's the librarian fantasy she was not the librarian fantasy she was not the librarian fantasy

oh yeah oh like really like it doesn't matter she was a elderly Polish woman that's how I like them fuck the Turks it's old Polish women elderly Polish woman. That's how I like them. Tom's a bit like Callum. Fuck the Turks. It's old Polish women with saggy...

Whoa! Whoa! I don't have a car. Who fucks my car? Imagine a footballer doing that. Hang on. How can I set you up?

Yeah, Tom, we only had murderers. Huh? We only had murderers in our school. Oh, yeah, okay. You only had murderers? Six or seven in our year. Really, man? Wow, fucking...

And counting. Yes, that's it. Going up. Were they gangs? No. It was a nice school, but we just had a bad batch of absolute cunts. Oh, Tom, just to clear it up,

there was no murders while they were in year nine. Just since they left school. Oh, like they left and became what they were supposed to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had seven psychos that fucking went out and really caused a lot of havoc. Fucking nice, buddy. You're number eight.

How do I know you're not part of this bunch, Carl? I think he could kill people. I think he could too. Like, look at that face. If you saw that face and said, this guy kills people, the beard gives it away, man. Totally does. But I don't think you do, Carl. I don't? Yeah, good.

I'm a lover, Tom. I'm a lover. Talking about fucking old Polish women. We are just fucking crazy, I'll never forget. Nobody murdered anybody. Go on. But we had a guy, and I know he's dead now, because fucking he got, I think what happened was he was a normal kid, got in a car accident

or something like that. Came back all fucking nuts. And just fucking every day that cunt beat somebody up man every fucking day until i finally fucking had it did you ever fight the psycho guy no oh i fought that fucking psycho oh really yeah it was awesome man it was the day i learned not to let anybody get back up again yeah yeah it was a real life lesson. My uncle told me that when I was a kid. Yeah, man.

Genuinely. Oh no, dude, dude, we were at this place in Canada. In Canada, you don't have these parties here. I'm positive you don't. But in Canada, especially up north in fucking Quenelle, whatever, we had these big parties where you'd have the bonfire you'd steal wood from the fucking mill have like a 30 foot fucking bonfire and then acdc playing put in a fucking shitload of alcohol and fucking let the teenagers rage man and so uh fucking i got tired of daryl stole a whole bunch of beer from my buddy and uh fucking then we squared off and now you square off at these parties probably the same at a bar i'm gonna beat that cunt up and then you walk by

what did you call it huh a shoulder barge yeah i wasn't i didn't look that effeminated that's not even a word but you know what i was trying to say because real men don't say that word so yeah so squared off and i was like going okay here we go let's fucking do this and i punched the guy fucking punch him i got him fucking down on the ground i thought this guy's not a psycho fucking fucking easy and then he got back up, and holy fuck, the fury of punches that came up my face at that time. Jesus Christ, man.

And then not only that, he relentlessly hit my head with a steel-toed boot. And I went back home, face fucking swollen out of my mind. I thought, I'm never letting anybody up again. That was a real fucking eye-opener day for the psycho. When I was like... But did you ever fight, Dad?

I don't think you're a fighter, though. No, not really. I had a bit of a dust-up with a mate of mine. Yeah? What'd you do? Where'd you hit him? Why I oughta...

Why I oughta... See? I told my uncle I was having a fight with someone. he was very drunk as well my uncle i was like i'm having a fight with this lad on monday like we you know a pre-arranged fight with it like monday doing it oh hang on i thought pre-arranged fights were for the friday afternoon you had it you had a weekend to think about it it depends on like which one goes on sky it was the monday night game did you have bike racks

my uncle told me just make sure you finish it and i was like what do you mean he said don't leave it like where he can come back with all his mates and get yeah you've got to finish it and i was like are you telling me to kill him this is where the seven murderers come and he went he went you gotta do what you gotta do like he was hammered drunk and then i'm pretty sure he confessed to a murder so a female friend of his had a really abusive boyfriend and he was like you know i found out about that and you know this is a funny story man he's like yeah i found out about like, you know, I found out about that. And, you know. This is a funny story, man. He's like, yeah, I found out about that.

And, you know, I just thought, you know what? This is what bridges were made for. And no one's seen him since. That's not what bridges were made for, is it? Joe, we've got a river here. We need to hide abuser's bodies. Oh, shit. And we can get to that town over there.

That's secondary. The main thing is you beat up your wife and we'll be able to drop you in the river. And pretty sure my uncle murdered someone who was abusing his bed. Is that what

speaking of fucking Polish women was? No, no, no. Oh right, I know. Don't you talk about Polish women ever again. Jack Finnegan, when we were on on holiday told me he's got a fancy of fucking a really old woman

How old would you go Tom? If you were obviously you're a happily married man I'm at that age now I'm at that age where yeah I would love to be

a 70 year old boy toy Would you? Yeah totally fucking pay for everything. Just a little. It's not a poor old woman. If you're going all the lady, it's not like, I haven't got really far to go out.

The heating bill. We had a date, but she died of COVID. I understood what Jack was saying. Carl was there when we were talking about this. How old would you go? I'd go like as old as I could stomach my age. Just to see what it's like. Do you know what I mean?

So you're saying there's a certain point, there's a certain point where you couldn't stomach it anymore. Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to get hard at a certain point, but I think I'll go as high as like 92. How old's Carol Vorderman? Like 62. 62? Oh, you can go higher than that.

I'm talking like 60. You might be Nan's mate. You're still great, man. You're still good at 60. You're Nan's mate. Yeah. You're still good at 60. That doesn't even count.

That doesn't count. I don't know why I knew that. Old Amanda Holden. She's younger than that. Google old woman. Couldn't even get that out. Well, it's like Helen Mirren, isn't it? It's like a stamp.

No, because she's like got the Hollywood stuff. Old woman, 92. How old's Maya Jammer? Younger than that. See, I couldn't do that. Because that looks like Jimmy Chabot. Jimmy Chabot. I should run a home record and say, See, I couldn't do that because that looks like Jimmy Savile. Don't want to fuck Jimmy Savile.

Yeah. Oh, 100%. I could do that. She's at 92. Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure she was in a British MILFs porn video I've seen. Not the last one. Wait, some of these are like,

these people have been killed. So let's be careful. So you can still see if they're fit. That's what bridges are for. Top right there. Top right. There you go. Yeah, read the headline.

She's got a bit crazy in her as well. Yeah. US woman 92 kills son to avoid being sent into care home. Oh my God. She fucks. My granddad was getting there. He was starting to threaten. Like, I'm not attracted to them,

but I think I could just, you know, imagine it was someone else. It'd be good to see all the noises they made. Then what's the point? Amy Webster. Fuck me in the roller. I wonder if she warned them. Fuck me in the roller. I wonder if she warned him Fuck me in the rosy

And we need a break Fuck me in the rosy Yeah okay She had like the ring The ring of roses The ring of roses Yeah She remembers that

Should we have a break Yeah Whatever Fuck me in the rosy Not my show I'm just here for live entertainment I'm just here for loud entertainment what a really good way of just like yeah we know which section is great i love it tom you're going on tour i am going on tour adam tomstay.com for tickets tom you go to tomstay.com

for tickets we start off in october on october 3rd in in the great city of hull it's really gonna be my make or break gig that night. You got the industry in. Yeah, I got a lot of industry in. If it goes well, I feel I'll get that Netflix three deal special. So we're going to start there, and we're going to go all the way through until next year. Like there's 80 some odd dates. Are you sure your first first night in Hull

because your website says otherwise you know what what is my website oh no sorry yeah sorry but it's not October it's not October

oh what is it August September it's September you're doing Edinburgh aren't you that just showed how stupid I was

and it's the 13th of September I thought after August it's October the 13th of September whatever here's my point we'll definitely edit this out stupid I was. I thought after all this was up to over. Whatever. Here's my point. If I find the gig and you're there,

we'll do it. We'll do the gig. Where's the last gig? I don't know, Carl. Where is the last fucking gig South End South End on C

yeah my stronghold those people fucking love me there are you going to Barnard Castle is that the one with the

Barnard Castle yeah you want to get your eyes tested what you want to get your eyes tested oh you go get my

what Dominic Cummins oh the the fucking guy that went and fucked his girlfriend during COVID yeah

yeah yeah that's my kind of guy they went on holiday didn't they and Tom you're in the beautiful city of Liverpool

on the 1st and 2nd of November yeah yeah I'll be fucking hang around here we couldn't get the hangar 34 where my special's on. You can also go to

tomstay.com and, you know, get that one, because that one's fucking funny. I talk about buying a cock ring at a fucking moto station, and it's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome. You're in the slaughterhouse on the 1st and 2nd. Yeah, yeah, it's a fucking slaughterhouse

here, and then all the other, yeah, totally. All the other dates. Okay, can I say this? Where are you recording it? Huh? Where are you recording it? I don't know because me and my son do all the recordings, man. So I'm at the mercy of that little fuck.

I'm at the mercy of my child. Because even if I, like, fuck it, I would love to work with, like, other people, I would love to work with like other people because they would listen to me, Dan. But when I'm filming with my son, he's always like, shut the fuck up, old man. And we'll do it when I'm goddamn good and ready. And then my anxiety will come out.

So I go, what happens if I'm not on YouTube within a month? They'll forget about me. Tom, was this someone's other cock ring? Is that, let me see it. I can't see. Yeah. Oh, lovely. No, you can't get this out of Modo.

You can't pay three pounds in this slide show. This is an Amazon order. This is a well thought out but yes i will take it we're sponsored by love honey the sex toy company oh that's awesome i love love honey yeah oh dude and that one's uh basically linked to an app i think isn't it so you can put that on and go and you know open your tour i'm gonna get trudy to put it on her fake cock thing i'm gonna i'm i'm gonna get it double vibrating no yeah we've got one for trudy as well well bring it on oh my god i love it so that goes up. So that goes up her asshole?

That goes up her asshole. Wow. Looks like a hearing aid. You know what? You don't even believe me. It's that powerful, your ass is a hearing aid. After being with someone for 28 years, there's enough trust in our relationship

that I'm going to do this. That's 28 years. It's going to be, all right, who are you going to be? I'm going to be fucking Tom Stade, the Lone Ranger that's about to shove this. What is this called? Check the box. Stop it.

I was taking a girl for a little bit, and I made her come on the bus. It's called? There's nothing to do at one of them. It's not called anything. It's not called anything. Sink, it looks like. It's called the sink. Oh, it's not called anything it's not called anything sink it looks like it's called the other side oh it's sink um they are yours they're our gift thanks man you're fun with them i'm gonna i'm gonna try this out on my own first if i like it yeah yeah tom just to read just to recap. What a man does in a travel lodge on his own

is a man does. We've ordained him as a minister and given him two sex toys. What a day. That's our gift. What a great day. What a great... The Lord would be proud.

Hey, Trude, I'm coming home. Get your asshole ready. Ready. By the front door yeah trude's all in her best skimpies phil have you got any questions yeah yeah we got some questions okay this one is from joe if you could relive your best day ever but it meant you had to relive your worst day the day before, would you do it? No. No? So the best day doesn't outweigh the worst day.

We've got some bad worst days. I'm quite happy with just trying to chase like the second best day forever. Like most of my days are all right. The worst day is horrific. What's the best day of your life the ranch was up there the apollo the ranch was up there the apollo was good but no the arena was better than the apollo yeah the arena's up there for one of my best days yeah the arena the

apollo is probably top 10 but then then the ranch, I genuinely think the ranch was the best day of my life. That pearl was one of my favorite moments of my life. What was the ranch? We went to a ranch in Nashville. Oh, okay. And we worked on the ranch for the day.

That was your best day? It was just, it was so cool. Like they did like a big barbecue feast. They had like music around the campfire. We were all just a bit. I nearly got shut by nra members so not your best day then dad it was up there i love antagonizing good nuts is everyone's

worst ain't losing the family member yeah yeah yeah i think so it's good it does outweigh it a lot yeah it's good that i can't think of many awful days. Yeah. You know, but I can think of a ton of good days. Maybe that's a good sign. That is a good sign. I've got a question about the scenario, right? So, obviously, my worst day is my mum dying.

So, do I just have to relive that happening, but I know I'm reliving it? Or does, like, my dad die? No, you're just, you're put back in that day. So, you've just got to relive that happening, but I know I'm reliving it? Or does, like, my dad die? No, you're just, you're put back in that day. So you've just got to go through that again to then have the next day you have your best day ever. You're back there with no cognition of your future. It's definitely going to ruin the good day, isn't it?

When you have to deal with the trauma of that again, where you're like, oh, that was bleak. Oh, today we're going to a ranch. No, no, no. No, I feel like it makes a wish you reset yeah you reset good it's not the day after hey that scouse guy keeps crying near the horses yeah because yesterday he was fucked by his uncle in the basement he lived his worst day how did you know how my mom died that'd be the worst He lived his worst day. How did you know how my mum died? That would be the worst.

John! Not our little 260. Right, this one is from Ash Norris. Wag wag, Adam, Dave, and the rest of the lids. So the scenario is as follows. You have to have sex once in every 24- period in order to stay alive however it cannot be with the same person within any 48 hour period and you cannot tell your other half about your condition therefore you must find someone or multiple some months to sleep with every other day and find ways to hide it in order to both survive and keep your relationship how would you survive right i'm not sure what what

was the end game on that what do i win you've got you've got to fuck someone behind your wife's back every day every day every other day or she dies i think every other or your wife dies yeah let's change it yeah your partner dies i'm gonna miss carl how are you doing how am i having sex with the women yeah because if she dies then you could fuck anyone anyway so like just miss one day yeah just kill her off and then hey baby i'm back this time we can fuck two days in a row tom on purpose forgets to do it on day one. Oh, yeah. That thing. I'm going to miss you, Trudy. Would I do it? No, there's no would, yeah. You're in this situation.

How? How would I have sex with women? Yeah. Behind surface bar. You're a guy, not a sexual. Guy, not a sexual. I just go out and go, hey, do you want to have sex with me? Oh, yeah. Smooth, man. That's how it works. I'd be at sex workers' houses. Hello. I just go out and go hey do you want to have sex isn't it oh yeah smooth man

that's how it works I'd be at sex workers houses hi hello here's my money no no I'm not paying for it fuck that to live go out and earn it

to live yeah I want to earn it because then the jeopardy helps does it yeah 4am you're like shit

on a Tuesday that's a ropey night that one isn't it yeah you're going for the fucking surely it stops at midnight you're like shit on a Tuesday that's a ropey night that one isn't it yeah you're going for the surely it stops at midnight you're only 4 hours into trying

you're going for the 5 to 12ers then yeah it's grim I'm doing it we're all everyone's just I mean Laura

would not be helping because in theory your partner then there's an away leg and then there's a home leg we can tell her no you're not allowed to you're not allowed to. You're not allowed to.

She'd kill herself and me on day three. Could you not hide it? I think I could convince my missus if it was to save her life. But you can't tell her? I know. Are you saying if he did tell Laura, she'd kill herself?

No, no, no. Within the thing, you're not allowed to tell your partner. So it would be endgame. Could you get away with it? No, this is trouble for me yeah because Carl

I'm 42 overweight and bald I can't turn up and be like alright girl how are you no sex doesn't work for me

I doubt it I don't think that worked for anyone well that's how literally Carl give it a go no that was your tactic

yeah what are you doing does that make sense or you plus does it have to be a different woman? I actually really love Tom's answers.

You can have a woman on rotation. Plus, I just say, fucking Dan, you better, or you become a single dad with a two and a six-year-old. Oh, yeah, Laura's getting bummed. Yeah. You fucking cheat on that woman

for the rest of your life. Do it to be a good dad. You don't want to be a single dad. I'd pay two women. I'd pay two women. It can't be the consecutive days. 48 hour period. Yeah, I'd pay two women

to be me sexy people. So you are paying for that? Yeah, just the same two women. Like go in, get the job done, save a life. But you're having them on PAYE. You're getting them on the... All right, cool.

That's going to be an unusual conversation with the accountant,'t it yeah i've taken on staff what's the next question for the next question is from luke barrow hey lyd sorry if this has been asked before but have any of you had any near-death experiences like full-on final destination stuff love the pod keep up the great work you ever nearly died tom yeah totally twice fell under the ice one time in a river classic classic death too young but the other one was during lockdown man fucking i just i don't know it was it was really weird i was like fucking i was sitting in the kitchen and and this is how i think it always happens. This is how I think. Everybody gathering close. This is a serious conversation.

Warm your hands up against the campfire, as I tell you, where your soul is about to go. I was sitting there. I was sitting in the fucking living room and all of a sudden, I swear to God, the fucking room just went, and all black, and then blackout. And then the next thing I remember coming to and not knowing how I got down on the ground and all that shit. And I thought, that's the closest I've ever been to a near-death experience because, fuck, I was really actually shooken, man,

because I was like, oh, so that's how it happens. You're just walking along, taking shit, whatever. All of a sudden it just blinds out and goes down, huh? Did you find out what caused it? Nah, I'm fucking a man. I don't go to the doctor. Fuck that. Bring on another near-death.

Let's go. You really didn't enjoy uh covid restrictions i didn't do any of them restrictions i'm gonna be telling no me and me i would have went to boris's party i was probably there look at me in the background selling weed i suppose the closest I've come is crashing that car into a wall, but that's... I don't think you were close to death. No, but that's the closest I've come to...

If I'd have gone faster, then maybe, but... I crashed my car on the M6. That was near death. Oh, yeah, definitely. I nearly starved to death because that bitch wouldn't give me a McFlurry if I woke up in the morning. Oh, I want to change mine now

that I heard your... Don't start that. I read some tweets about that. That's what people think happened. Hi, look, I have a McFlurry. That's it. I'm going to see your fucking boss. What a question.

What does this guy want to know? Why does this guy want to know, man? Like, did he have a near-death experience? And he's not sure if it was a near-death experience. It's a weird way to do correspondence on a podcast. i've got a question for you who the fuck are you asking just wants a question right out on the thing he listens to that's definitely yours though who the fuck is luke luke crashing on the motorway the percentage you survive in there must have like been scary if i was 100 yards that's not even like percentage of you surviving there must have been scary.

If I was 100 yards, not even under 20 yards further, it would have been a serious problem. I've aquaplaned a bit, and then that's when you just hit water and you're not in control. When the car goes... Oh, we had that? Yeah.

That was very close on the way to Glasgow. Glasgow's a tortured city for me mate I think driving at high speed on British roads we're all quite close to death

but it's just we normalise it by going no it's fine because you're going that way and that guy's doing 65 miles an hour going the other way

and there's a good metre and a half between us so we're safe you know because those little dotted white lines tell everyone you're so much closer to death in all those situations i don't mean you can't

i was in the end of experience no no but i drove to chester but if you had like a little fucking if you were just aware of like you know like a little risk assessment thing that was like oh not percent you cannot die in this situation and 100 where would you be at when you're doing 70 miles an hour on a country road just driving past other dudes who could be fucking about to have one of tom's like oh my god i'm blacking out oh that would be the worst there yeah yeah driving i had that would have been total death i had the aquaplane moment and then just righted it and it was an awful moment when i nearly spanned the car and it was on the way uh towards scotch corner on the country roads and uh my first thought was i lived alone in the flat and i was like oh my god if i died

there's so much porn just everywhere in that flat it's just my loved ones having to be like oh we got a dead wanker like i was literally we were got we were in the right lane and it was wind mixed with that and it jumped us into the middle lane and if there's a car there where they hit it it literally jumped us we swapped lanes without yeah

we had to stop at the next services and just like calm because we were like fuck what the car jumped into your lane

no I was in the car our car got aquaplaning winded into the next lane and we were just lucky there was no car

on the way wow yeah yeah yeah so we just pulled over to the next services and we were just lucky there was no car in the way wow yeah so we just pulled over the next service there's not a pie right you pulled an accidental fast and furious that was close that one i think that's what they're going to call one of the next films the accidental yeah driving at night is a scary business they always have the guy they always have the dude i remember the blackout one fucking while driving you're right that would have been the because

there was one guy that did it wasn't it in glasgow there was a dude in a truck that just fucking had a heart attack well that would be the way to ask them about their near-death experience the worst way to die is someone else's heart attack. Yeah. What a fucking awful way to go. What did he die of? Some other cunt had a heart attack near him. Imagine if you're on your skydive,

the guy behind you had a heart attack, and you're just floating. Yeah, that's me just falling to my death and then definitely being dead because that cunt is on top of me. floating. Yeah. That's me just falling to my death and then definitely being dead because that cunt is on top of me. Yeah. Yeah. Skydiving,

I was so chilled out about, we can say this now because this goes out next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on the Patreon special. We couldn't talk about it until now. I was pretty chilled out about that. A few months ago,

I accidentally turned off the power to Carl's computer when he was uploading an episode and cost him a whole evening and hours and work and he missed out on hanging out with his missus and i said as a as a sorry part of my sorry was an iou and he could do anything and we went to nashville and he had that and he's in his but he actually brought the piece of paper the iou to nashville and and he told me I had to do a skydive and I was actually quite chuffed because he nearly spent the IOU

in a service station on the way down to London. He nearly got me to run into a soft play area in the service station full of kids and go, at the top of my voice and genuinely, I'd rather die falling out of a plane it would have been so bad and i was i was like oh god a skydive and it was all fine until you

start flying up in the air in a rickety piece of shit plane with a 60 year old lady next to me who's literally just like i'm having a great time she never shit she was like that was wonderful they had like mask it gaffer tape in the plane it felt weird and then i was still like i wasn't stressed out i could feel like you had to concentrate and as soon as they open the door and you can see how high you are yeah it all just got a bit real and you're sort of in front of the dude and he nudges you forward and i was just concentrating on getting it right so he's like put your head back and put your feet low so that when the sort of force of the air hits you you don't like have back like

whatever whiplash so it looks like as he's pushing me out the plane i'm there going no but it's because he told me to do that but i think i went a little bit early so he's expecting you to do that once you're out but i was as he was nudging me out going and when we fell you you lose the feeling of like gravity like you're weightless and oh my god i shit myself it was good actually you get used to that but then when they pull the cord i'm 14 stone and it pulled on the on your harness you just feel too fat for the harness and that was it wasn't obviously wasn't near death but you do have the instinct of you can tell this is dangerous your body you're there's so many things going through your head and i felt elated when i landed i felt

great and i i did enjoy it but there was part of it was like, what if you just slipped out of this harness, you big fat fuck? Like in my head, I was like- Being fat makes it harder to slip out, doesn't it? Yeah. It didn't feel it. It didn't, I had like a bruise there and maybe everyone gets that,

but I just felt like, God, I feel heavy for this harness and you're being kept from death here and here. And of course, yeah, it's been checked a load of times, but your instinct, your reaction instinctive reaction is imagine if you just slipped out my little brother nearly fell out

of the pirate ship of gulliver's world same mine too what is that about there's a percentage there is a percentage that exists where the harness just snapped so yeah so if we're doing the zero percent hundred percent you're high aren't you because you are you're eight thousand one failure you're dead yeah that was i don't know if i'd ever have you done a skydive i don't know if i'd ever do it again uh i think i think that's hilarious that fucking halfway down your brain's going this is dangerous like you'd think your brain would have started that process in the pain do you want to fly through the sky, bird man? This will be fine.

I don't have to do that in a bungee jump. I don't see what bungee jumps are about. What's the thrill there? You're just hanging upside down. But again, you're falling for a while. It's the free down moment where it stops. I don't like getting my socks from under the bed. Yeah, yeah.

Get vertigo. It's a shame you can't do that for charity. No, because you're just socks from under the bed. There you go. It's a shame you can't do that for charity. No, because you just hang in there and they lull you or pick you up. Do you know when something's on the floor and you hang off the bed and you're upside down? That hurts me. It's a great sight.

In the brain. So I'm not doing a bungee jump. That's just a big version of it. Yeah, I've done a bungee jump. Those are awesome. Have you? Yeah, awesome oh yeah yeah yeah yeah at the west edmonton mall man when we used to gig at fucking yuck yucks in edmonton we get free tickets to bungee jump into a fucking pool do you want to be dipped of course they want to

be dipped fucking into a pool yeah yeah yeah because like there's a big fucking olympic size pool and then they have the bungee jump cord and you know they you could go for fucking free man like but i always felt like what's the worst that's gonna happen you know what i mean at a pool like fucking when you go to new zealand like that's terrifying you're doing it into a ravine yeah into a ravine you know what i mean Like if the rope snaps in the Olympic pool, I think I'm going to make it. If the rope snaps in New Zealand down a ravine, you'll be hearing me screaming, this is dangerous.

But wouldn't you just smash into the pool, into the bottom of the pool? No, no, no, no, no. Because, okay, they'll go, do you want to be dipped, right? So they can measure, the pool no no no no no because okay they'll they'll go do you want to be dipped right so they they can measure they can measure exactly how far you're gonna go down with your weight and all that sort of stuff so so like if you say they don't and then some fucking asshole guy dips you anyways but there's still 12 feet of fucking water you know what i mean so if it snaps i'm i'll probably still drown because i've

got a big metal rope attached to me it's not like i'm going yeah well of course carl like, if there's little minor things. That sounds dame. Is that what you did? You got a free ticket because you were playing yuk yuks at the weekend. They were like, you want a free bungee. Because the bungee jump, it's fucking barter, buddy. Like, hey, bungee jump guys, do you want to come down to the show for free?

If you give us your bungee jumping, I don't know what the word I was going to say after that but there is definitely trade involved so yeah so that's the closest yeah alright what's the next question last one

bit of advice to round us out okay alright one last one bit of advice to round us out oh okay all right so this one is from oh carl's angry this one's from tom hey lids need some serious advice from you lot one of my best mates from school's mum and dad have recently separated after she found out he'd been having an affair for years i was on a night out recently with some guys from work when i saw the mum in the booze room we had to catch up to cut a long story short we ended up necking at the end of the night when we were both a bit worse for wear we've been texting for a couple of weeks since she's been sending pictures and all and wants to meet up asap what should i do here i've not seen the lad for a couple of years

but we were dead tight in high school. Think Adam and Carl levels. Are friends' mums out of bounds, or should I be getting myself some MILF action? God. Bring her to the library. She is a librarian, you can tell. Sexy. Hello, lads.

Just trying to be a problem here. Listen, I was on a nice out a few weeks ago my best mate's my ass there so anyway I fucking bummed haven't I

what do I do now because there's still shit on me dick let me know I would love he should he should call he should call

does his friends does his mom's friend know that he's banging her mom I don't think the friend knows from what from what he said and what's his full name Tom just Tom he's banging her mom? I don't think the friend knows from what he said. And what's his full name?

Tom. Just Tom. He's not put a surname. Just give him a surname. Garrett. Tom Garrett. Old Tommy Garrett. Tom or Jakey the one. That'd just be... You can't be banging your mate's mum, surely.

Come on. If I had stopped speaking to the mate, I would. What period of time have you got to leave it of not speaking to the mate? Three weeks. Yeah. You didn't answer a text, and look who I'm fucking. I think it would be the mom's responsibility

to tell her son, you know what I mean? To go, look, I've got to sit you down. You have a new dad and I think you're going to like him because I think you might even be best friends I there's only like three or four people

we went to school with whose mum I wouldn't goose now are you still friends I wouldn't goose your mum that's lovely you know what I mean Josh is my off limits Steve Dixon's my

off limits yeah the only other lad I still really see from school is Ryan Shorts like once a year maybe I wouldn't goose his ma

everyone else's ma get on me dick we're losing Senegal with this chat but yeah it's so good of you just you know,

the four mums. You're such a man of... The rest of them, they're just women. I only fuck mums now. Yeah, yeah. I'm 52. They're just women.

If I fuck somebody without a kid, it's creepy. Imagine you were in, like, a bar in Tenerife and there was, like, a, you know, late 40s Scottish woman. You're not going to say, who's your son?

Do I know him? I'd go all out to fuck her. Yeah. Your toilet's first stop. If it's not there, I'd be like, do you know what? Just get in this booth.

I'll fuck you there. Yeah, I'd definitely check I'd got a room key though because you need one. If you got her back to the hotel and you couldn't get in and your phone was on charge, you couldn't.

I think there should be a rule though. If you start, yeah, if the mum has to go, sit down, love, I've got something to tell you. I've got a new boyfriend. Who is he?

Well, you already know him. He's on that picture from you in school. Tom. And you can guess which one. It's bad. Quick question. Okay.

Let's say you were single. Yeah. Trudy's gone. No, not, let's say dream. Trudy's gone. Trudy's gone. gone okay and you're on holiday right i'm rocking it got it if she tried to fuck you in the toilet who the woman she took you to the toilet like the mom yeah but you're you now would you then a try and take her home to the would you just be like, fuck it, let's do it on a bar stool

or in the booth or on the table? Like what Steve did. Would you fuck publicly? Would I fuck publicly? Yeah. Or try to? I got it. Yeah, I'd fucking, this is where I need fucking seven shots of tequila.

Yeah. Let's say you'd have like seven Guinness. No, he drinks Guinness. Baby Guinness. Seven baby Guinness. Yeah. I would go, yeah, I could do it. seven shots of tequila yeah let's say you'd have like seven guinness no he drinks baby guinness seven baby guinness yeah i would go oh yeah i could do it i could do it could you do it adam what what's the worst this would be my thought plan on that like what's the end game here so let's say no trudy single fuck a girl on a bar in Tenerife yeah

the only outcome I see is legend yeah or the only outcome I see or having to adopt

three kids yeah well of course oh did I get her pregnant that night again it's like an annual thing with me in this

because this happened you dirty dog yeah would you Adam would you go public oh yeah I'd watch someone else do it

yeah and what would you say when you saw me doing it you fucking legend I'd go Steve what are you doing yeah I'd go we shouldn't talk about this until the next public episode I go, Steve, what are you doing? Yeah, I go, we shouldn't talk about this until the next public episode.

Shall we wrap it up? Is that a pod? Come and see me on tour, dannightingale.com. It starts 31st of August, goes through to November 22nd. My previews start next week, or this week now,

28th and 29th in Northern Dunn, www.danspreviews.com, and they go right through the summer. Most of them are sold out. There are some tickets available late on. Tom Stade is on tour, tomstade.com. That starts on the 13th of September in Hull. I'm on tour, adamrodocker.uk.

The podcast has got two tour shows left. We've got Vicar Street in Dublin on the 6th of July and then on the 15th of July we're in Glasgow at the O2 Academy and last week when we were in Tenerife Steve tried to fuck someone in a booth. Tickets

Tickets are all gone for that. Steve tried to fuck someone in the disabled toilet the disabled toilet was occupied so he got his dick out in the Dubliner in Tenerife

and then walked into a lamppost No he didn't get his dick out because he got his pants halfway off and she said no Tom stayed ladies and gents all time fucking

gotta be hall of fame now Come on Live in Liverpool buy it Live in Liverpool stand up special Thanks guys you were be hall of fame now come on live in liverpool buy it live in liverpool stand-up special thanks guys you were yeah music music oh it's me this week yeah nepotism is not pop me i know i got the job get ready for two weeks in a row uh so it's my ep came out on friday the do you know ep. Also, the Nashville soundtrack, which has gone down

very well, is out. So, this is a song off my EP called Drop In The Ocean. What does EP stand for? Extended Play. Oh, interesting. What's LP stand for? Long Play.

What does AP stand for? Audemars Piguet. There you there you go okay why doesn't anybody ask those questions see you let's get high and will you say it's only one more night are we kidding yeah these days these days These days Seems you can't get where you used to be No one else is in my tree And I feel okay I feel okay

Living my life up in the sky You can't see me, I'm way too high, too high The drop in the ocean is all it takes I know it's hard but I appreciate The life you're leading Time is short so let's get high I know you say it's only one more night The weekend Yeah, I know, yeah

I know, yeah Love the summer, it goes too fast Betray the water, tryna make this last For real The drop in the ocean is all it takes I know it's hard but I appreciate The life you're leading Time is short so let's get high

I know you say it's only one more night Are you kidding? I know you say it's only one more night, the weekend Falling off the world, life is changing Take me back to when it was so damn hard The wheels are coming up, can you take it? Can you take it? Can you take it? A drop in the ocean is all it takes I know it's hard but I appreciate The life you're leading

Time is short so let's get high I know you say it's only one more night The weekend The drop in the ocean is all it takes I know it's hard, but I appreciate The life you're leading So high Time is yours, so let's get high We'll see you next time. you