Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #231 with Janine Harouni - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 2, 2023

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Welcome to this episode of the Have A Word Podcast. How are we, lads? We've got some stuff to tell you about. Before we tell you anything, we're live in Dublin. A live podcast in Dublin, Thursday, the 6th of July. We've got some guests for you. Do you want to know who's on? Why don't you tell them who's on, Dan, or do you want me to tell them? What way do you want to do this?

I'll do one, you do the other. Okay. With my first pick, I'm going Darren Conway. Darren Conway, local legend to the Dublin area. Irish hero. A man of the people. And he's going to be joining us for the podcast section in Dublin. Also joining us for the podcast section

and doing a little bit of stand-up is local legend Willa White. I met this lad in January when I was over at the Laughter Lounge. He's absolutely fucking brilliant. And we're very, very, very excited to have both of them. them have a word live.com that's where you get your tickets for the live shows we're very excited glasgow's nearly sold out dublin there's a couple of hundred tickets left and now that these two guests have been announced they're gonna go quickly go to have a word live.com and book your tickets now also we've got the biggest patron in the uk one of the biggest in the world you know why because it's the best and it's value.

If you love Have A Word, sign up to patreon.com slash haveawordpod for as little as £3 a month. You get some good shit, Adam. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode exclusive to Patreon every single week. And you get access to the entire back castle,

not just of those Patreon-exclusive episodes, but the Patreon specials, every lock-in we've ever done. Nashville, the Amsterdam special, the ghost hunts. There's so many things there. There's hundreds of hours of content. And you get it all for three quid. Go and sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod now and see why we are the best Patreon in the world, pound for pound.

You know it, baby. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go, Ed, get on get on me dan how's your bummo you're looking like you've had some rikito peppers do you know what you know me so well now that you can just instinctively know that i'm having some sort of digestive gestational it's

easy easy i'm gonna start again. Digestive issue. Wheat biscuits? Yeah, I've had too many biscuits. Like a diabetic kid. Do you know there was a diabetic kid in our choir and he made diabetes look fun? He just got to whip out fucking biscuits whenever he wanted them. Oh yeah, he had one of them.

And obviously I wasn't seeing the insulin shots and I wasn't seeing any of the problems with childhood diabetes I don't even know what they are but whipping out biscuits whenever you want looked fucking great

there was a kid in our school who didn't have the biscuit one but he did have to have the insulin yeah he stoked his willy as well we've thought about him

he wanked over the Spanish teacher and that was one of his yeah that was one of the his name was Path right five years because the Spanish teacher

was called Path oh I thought you meant psycho right yeah it does work so he had the shit diabetes which is the non-biscuit one so i listen no i'm not a doctor and i think i've proved that listen lads you've got diabetes which one one, doctor? Tell me it's the fulgur and chocolate digestive one. It isn't. It's the spiky one. Are digestives to help you digest things? They were initially, weren't they?

Were they? Yeah. Or is that like the Guinness is good for you thing? It's like when they were invented. When they were invented, this has got fibre in it. I can tell you based on how I feel right now, Guinness is not necessarily always good for you. Oh, dear.

I had 12 of them last night. Oh, we see. I've had three hours sleep. I've got a long day. But I'm here. Well, I've had raquito peppers, so we're all struggling. I had a black poo before. Is that a pepper? That's one of the really spicy ones. We make a

discardi with the black poo peppers. They're very spicy that was what Paul Rudd was eating when he was like look at us look at who'd have thought

we got the scotch bonnet we got the black poo the black poo and we got the digestive biscuit that's just for the diabetic kid I love a digestive do you know you eat digestives wrong

you meant to have the chocolate on the bottom what no I will whip the shellac card out. First of all, you don't know what way I eat my digestive. So don't tell me what I'm doing wrong. And second of all,

I bet he's got a fucking inkling. Google it. I don't do it because, you know, I'm a fucking psychopath. Thank you. But apparently you're meant to eat the digestive with the chocolates on the bottom. Because then your tongue,

it's like you're mottling out a with the chocolate on the bottom because then your tongue it's like you motton out a digestive and you get another chocolatey goodness and that's what you remember the adverts for chocolate digestive it's like you're

motton out a fucking digestive chocolate side down the only biscuit advert I remember is BNBN do do do do BNBN

do do do do best shite yeah best advert is the Chewits one fact mamma's using buses as roller skates through London

oh the dinosaurs were they dinosaurs or monsters what were they like a kid what were they were they dinosaurs like millions of years

ago on earth I mean they were both they were dinosaurs it was a big Tuart dinosaur big dinosaur back when Alberta were good I went to Puno

I saw Tuarts the other day, cola flavour. Bit of a sucker for cola flavour. I met a guy last night in Belfast who only found out this week that

dinosaurs are real. Fully grown man. And that was who? St. Patrick? Who was? He was just a friend of one of the comedians in the green room

at Lavery's Comedy Club which is very good. And he was like, I found out earlier this week dinosaurs are real. So I thought he was just made up. Wow.

He sounds like the digestive biscuit kid. What are you talking about? Finn asked where Charlie was and I told him. Huh? That was it, sorry. Just fucking concentrate, guys.

He's doing a dinosaur bit. Blame Finn. That was my fault. Finn, what the fuck is that guy doing here? To be fair, dinosaurs are made up. You think he's coming for your job?

Well, he is. Dinosaurs are made up. What? Someone made them up. No one knows what a dinosaur looked like. Yeah, I've thought that before. We've just got the skeleton. They could have been...

No, there's photographs. ...fairy things. Yeah. But they're not made up then, are they? That's not made up. They're a best guess, aren't they? They're imagined. There's photographs of them? No, they're not. Yeah. Phot are they? That's not made up. They're a best guess, aren't they? They're imagined then.

There's photographs of them? No, they're not. Yeah. Photographs of what? Dinosaurs? Okay. We're playing who can be the biggest dum-dum this morning. And it turns out the guy in Belfast isn't winning yet.

Dinosaurs were literally made up. No, they were. For someone who knows the English language so well, it's not literally made up, is it? They were imagined then. What are you talking about? They are imagined. No, they were. For someone who knows the English language so well, it's not literally made up, is it? They were imagined then. What are you talking about? They are imagined. No, they're not. No one goes, that's what it looked like.

Bam, bam, bam. It had two eyes on its head, a mouth, big tail, bosh. But paleontologists have been able to put together the skeleton. I was with you a minute ago. But that's not literally imagined, is it? Yeah, and they've got roller skates on the shoes.

That's how the Tuits adverts knew. And they have laser beams. I'm just imagining it. I'm a paleontologist. We're all fucked anyway. So you think they found an entire perfect replica of a Diplodocus? You just wanted to say Diplodocus.

Like, it's just sitting there. A Diplodocus? In the perfect form. We don't think, you think they went, yeah, look at that. Whoa, we'll draw around that. Easy. I just, I really just don't think you're using the word

imagine properly. It's all the closest guess. Whoa, boy, we'll draw around that. Easy. I just, I really just don't think you're using the word imagine properly. It's all the closest guess. Right. I think dinosaurs built the pyramids. Dinosaurs built pyramids. Adam's winning the game. Tell me how they built pyramids and tell me the fucking dinosaurs

didn't have lasers in their eyes and went, oh, brick on that, brick on that. Look, a fucking big triangle. And then skate it off. Isn't it mad? Right. You know what? The Egyptians definitely never built pyramids, right? And I'll tell you that, I don't know that for a fact. brick on that brick on that look how fucking big triangle and then skate it off isn't it mad right you know what the egyptians definitely never built a pyramid right and i'll tell you i don't know that for the fact because you know what a youtube video is called you know there's loads of hieroglyphics

there is yeah right and it depicts like egyptian life don't it's like oh dog carrying a baby we're all doing that i'm I doing this? Yeah. You know, weddings. There's not one hieroglyphic that depicts them building the pyramid. Why? The best thing they've done. And there's no pictures of them going,

oh, look what we did. Because they didn't do it. It was fucking... I've told you, I won't believe history unless I can see it real. That's why I don't like... Oh my God.

So you only believe oh you're so intelligent 150 years ago stupid unless i can see it real no that's why i don't like ancient hit i like can you prove to me that 1974 existed no because people just telling me about it and showing photographs they could be doctored so it's not real no that's why i didn't see 1974 my history begins i told you this and all these suffrages onwards because it seems real you chatting about henry the eighth eating chicken legs in his house and that yeah i remember that conversation do you remember that conversation we had about henry the eighth in kfc yeah remember that i don't like history unless i i can totally believe it right that's why i don't like all this fucking pyramid gear

because no one knows so I'm not even gonna bother no yeah yeah yeah but still you'd be like they didn't build them I'm not even gonna bother not even interested

but they definitely didn't build them there you go no they did build them obviously someone built them yeah so that was history with Carl that's why

don't get it if I don't see it no but I don't like it I No, but I don't like it. I know what he means, though. Yeah. Like, we are just taking people's words. Exactly. That, like, Henry VIII existed. Exactly.

We don't know anyone who knew him. No. No. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, we had six wives. Did he, though? Or was it just the same woman with different hats on?

Yeah, my cousin Gaz. That's amazing. He was gay anyway. Anne Boleyn not Anne Boleyn lad he was gay anyway yeah Anne Boleyn that's how the sit's done yeah changed the name

to Anna Cleavage nailed it nailed it I love it Dan's on a mood to have a a wind up with history he loves his history

little history wanker well you wrote the whole book about erm yeah what did you learn yeah but there wasn't any there wasn't any what did you learn? Yeah, but there wasn't any... There wasn't any photographs in it. So, it's bullshit. Carl's right. No, but you're taking that man's

word for it. Yeah. I've told you this. I could write a history book and in a thousand years people go, wow, madness. Yeah. Yeah. Where would that be published, Carl? Easy. Penguin. We could just start writing books, though, and saying we've all got six dicks. And in like a hundred years they'd be like, why haven't we got six dicks and in like 100 years they'd be like why haven't we got six dicks all i have to do is be like samuel peeps better people dig it up and go mad this has been hidden for reasons

and then i say like all lies and then a thousand years like now heavy it's like podcasting with eight-year-olds i could bury it and everybody all lies and then like samuel peeps who probably didn't exist don't you think he's got a because i never met him like why why should we listen why will you listen to people about the tudors but you won't believe the bible it literally perfectly put yeah like the bible's like oh god like said to moses that bush is on fire over there and tell them not to do these seven things. And you don't believe that. But you believe that Henry VIII was chopping birds' heads off.

The seven commandments. Because there's... Because it's documented history, isn't it? It's documented history. So is the Bible? The Bible's documented? Tudor England is documented history. There's literally thousands of documents that

back up like it's it's it's the bible is another whole what 1500 years before and then when was that written 300 years after the the time of christ and it's all just fucking myths and stories brought together added to the old testament which is more of the same and then you're going yeah it's all old so it's all the same. You put all those documents you're talking about with the Tudors, could be fake, couldn't he? My mate's got fake passports. Are we actually doing Tudor conspiracy?

It's a fucking Illuminati, mate. They've been at it since fucking William the Conqueror. Who could fly and had laser eyes? Prove me wrong. Who were the Stuarts? Who were the Stuarts? were the stewards? No. Even more bullshit. They fucking brushed over that very lightly in school.

Oh, they existed anyway. I've never got onto that. There was the Tudors and they were doing all this and then the stewards did and then it's modern day and anyway they don't even look at the stewards. The stewards are snide, God's sake. Was that your history? Was that your history?

I just want to see Scouts history? There was about three sentences in the book. I just want to see Scouts history. Like, there was the Tudors banging on about the Tudors. Then Stuarts, no one even goes on about them. And then modern history.

So it goes Tudors, Stuarts, and then fucking... It is though. It's Tudor, Tudor, Tudor, Tudor, Tudor, Tudor. Off with the head. Off with the head. Suck me dick.

Gave me a son. You can die. Oh, the Stuarts aren't Nazis. That's history. Three lines, by the way. What did the Stuarts aren't Nazis. That's history. Three lines, by the way. What did the Stuarts do? Were they just... They're boring.

Well, Queen of... Oh, yeah. You're making me be the goon that I don't want to be. Big Liz, the first, didn't have kids. No. So, Mary, Queen of Scots, son, James... Oh. You know, you say she didn't have kids.

James I of England and James VI of Scotland was made king. Right. But you say she didn't have kids. Was that by choice or was she just not getting any action or was she a lesbian?

Well, they reckon, they reckon she was the first lesbian. She invented lesbianism. She actually had 17 daughters all Muslim lesbians. She's shagging a Spanish guy if I made that up. Yeah, you have made that up. Yeahians she's chugging a Spanish guy or I made that up yep you have made that up

yeah she was a Spanish guy and we came places yeah well I read Spanish Armada I just thought he was an Armada

of all the dick she was getting from Spain and she she's literally literally at war with Spain yeah I think she was fucking the Spanish

I think she just wasn't... I was a cover. The King of Spain, Philip, he thought that she wasn't on the pill, and she was. So he was giving her that Spanish dick. You're mad, you. The Pope hates you, but makes you naughty.

He's not really either. Wow, you found one of my buttons. The Stuarts wear sozzy gob shapes, though. Yeah. Who is he? Wow, you found one of my buttons. The Stuarts wear sozzy garb shades though. Yeah. Who is he? Who is he? Yeah.

Who's the King of Scotland? Stuart. Yeah. King, who's James I? James VI of Scotland. It's Rod's great-grandad. It's true. He probably is. That's a tough spanish guy it's just not it's not a popular bit of history i find it boring as soon

as big liz dies and she fights off the armada it becomes tudor england is you don't hear about a lot about like the war of the roses and everything that set up the house of tudor the the 15th century is not as popular no no she's that's that's mary jordan the tudors isn't she mary queen of scotts is the mother of king james she fit her yeah she was banging ginger one she apparently was quite oh yeah why she wasn't they all look the same on those little pictures though don't they yeah like none of them are flattering i've never seen one picture of like the old queens. I'm going, she get it. I've never once thought that.

Have you ever seen a picture from the 80s and thought that? What? Everybody in old pictures looks about fucking... You look older 10 years ago. And that's not the 80s. There's pictures of you in the 80s, right? And you look old. You're 36.

But everyone used to look old, didn't they, in old pictures? No. They did. Yeah, people look younger now for longer, don't they? Yeah. Have you ever seen the guy from Cheers? The fat guy from Cheers?

There's a picture of him. That is a record from Mary, Queen of Scots, to the fat guy in Cheers. I will have you show me any other podcast that can do that. I honestly want my diabetic biscuits right now. Guy from Cheers looking old, type that in. He's like 30 and in his picture he looks... You mean Norm?

Yeah. He's the fat guy? The one that propped up the bar? Yeah. Looking old. God doesn't know. Fat guy from Cheers. Yeah, pick that in.

There's the Italian. Italian. Italian. Right. looking old. Carl doesn't know. Fuck, I have fun with chairs. Yeah, I picked that up. The telly's not on. Turn the telly on, then you've got the nose. Right. So, is this your example of how everyone looks younger, older in the past?

No, he's one of the used examples within media, i.e. YouTube videos that I've seen. Has he just looked after himself? No, he's 30. He's like early 30s in this picture. Right, well, can I counterpoint with Sean Ryder

from the Happy Monday? No, I'm saying people back then looked... Because back then he looked young, and now he looks like... Because he's gotten old. That's what I'm saying. He's in his 50s. Yeah.

And he's done a lot of gear. Younger when they were younger. So what are you telling me? We're saying he looks like... If he was around now and he's 31... I genuinely thought you were telling me, look saying he looks like he looks if he was around now and he's 31. I genuinely thought you were telling me look, he looks older, but now he looks dead young. 35 years later.

People used to look older. He's 30 in that picture. Look at him. The one I've seen is David Moyes playing football. Have you seen it? He looks 53. He played for North End, didn't he? He's my age in that picture. It actually looks a little bit like you, you know.

Case and point. Can you just click on the Preston kit, the Baxi kit? I'm not messing. That was such a pop. The Baxi kit. Yeah. That is a... He's just spotted someone in the car with big jugs.

Oh, fucking hell. That was an absolute classic. Go back to that first picture. Oh, for fuck's sake. That's Scottish Finn. I'm back to that first picture. Oh, for fuck's sake. That's Scottish, Finn. I'm sorry, but it is. I think it's Danny Davis. But because of hairstyles and fashion

and wear skincare and stuff, people look well older in like the 60s. If you look at your mum's wedding pictures, you're like, fuck, I look about 80. No. Yeah. No, no. I've seen my mum's wedding pictures. She's like wedding pictures you're like come on easy no yeah no i've seen my mum's wedding pictures like 22 i bet she didn't look like a 22 year old now though she didn't she is that perception no or is it just the people it's skincare and shit and she got married in tweed i mean oh what a teenager late, early 20s she is. Tweed.

That's bad. Her wedding pictures are mad. They didn't do church. They just did a registry and they look so 70s. It's unbelievable. But people used to look... I wonder what we'll look like in like 50 years when all the robots are looking back. That's been a mad ride, hasn't it?

Mad ride. I haven't finished with those Stuart bastards. I might just have to go and have a poo in a bit. This might be the first time when I am the one who goes, we're going to have to have a poo break. Do you want it now? No, it's not happening. But I can feel the raquito peppers from that Polo Forza.

That what? I went to Pizza Express yesterday. You mean Pollo Forza? Polo Forza. Let's go chicken. Polo Forza. Oh, come on, chicken. Up the chicken. that what I went to pizza express yesterday you mean pollo pollo forza let's go chicken pollo forza oh come on chicken up the chicken come on chicken

I'd come on chicken and it's really disagreeable forza's like let's go come on like vamos isn't it vamos chicken forza

forza means let's go so it's let's go chicken it's excitable chicken yeah right well they had come on it and it's really disagreeable

where did you have that at pizza express it's really disagreeing with me. Where did you have that? At Pizza Express. It's a fucking fiery chicken one. Have you tried it? Oh my God. Might have been the cheese as well. Is it good enough that you eat it again?

Because that's a test of a good spicy food. That's my go-to at Pizza Express every time. Even with apple. I don't get to see it every time. This is worse. But in,

this is worse. I haven't had it for a while. Laura, her ex, loved pizza express and uh she is one of them apparently always wanted to go to pizza express really and now she's a bit like i don't like so she's women are fucking mad yeah i know loads of people who are like that you know like women in relationships you see me look at my phone? Just to check. I was like, shit.

Am I on the phone too long? Forgetting that we're on a podcast that she can listen to. Oh, that's such a typical female thing. Me ex used to go to Pizza Express, so now I won't go. That's so fucking stupid. Good thing to do is ruin something for someone you're about to break up with. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go to Asda, like, every day. something for someone you've got to break up with. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go to Asda every day.

You bastard. You've taken so much from me. He used to love Asda. I just can't go. Oh, God. I'll never eat a whoopstick of food again. Is there anything that reminds you of your exes? Strap-ons.

So I just won't go near them anymore. But seriously, like Pizza Express reminds Laura of a certain ex is there anything that reminds you of a certain ex groovy chick some music

some music genres or songs is it just like if you hear any like you ever heard the drum and bass band

Kashin yeah he loves them no you haven't no Kashin reminds me of He loves them. No, you haven't heard? No. Kashin reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, Faye. Where again?

Oh, it's a banger. Faye! Faye, will you just get in touch with him? He wants to fuck, love. Faye, Faye, Faye, Faye. Please don't get in touch again. I don't. She was lovely.

She was dead nice. So I don't have any bad memories. It was just nice. So you keep saying, yeah? We split up on holiday. That was dead nice. So I don't have any bad memories. It was just nice. So you keep saying, yeah. We split up on holiday. That was a bad move. I've been there. Yeah.

What holiday? Mine had been using my card in Asda. She took so much from me. Can't even go back now. We went to we went to Crete to on holiday this was 2005

I took on holiday and then we had a nice time and at the end of the holiday I don't know what you know when you were talking about your therapist it was like

sometimes you just want the mayhem yeah like it's a it's a destructive thing like oh I've got a i've got a fine yeah i should pay that otherwise it doubles and then there'll be court proceedings yeah see what happens we were on the beach and the holiday been good and i got to the end of the holiday and i

i can remember going don't start this conversation i went do you think i'm the one oh damn and she was like why i was like i don't know do you think i'm the one? Oh, Dan. And she was like, why? I was like, I don't know. Do you think I'm the one? We'd been together about two years. You were a gobsmacked, weren't you? And she went, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. I went, do you think I'm the one?

And I was like, nah. Fucking hell. And she was annoyed. Was she? Women are mental. Madden it. Madden it. Did you break up then? No. No. Maddening. Maddening. Did you break up then?

No, we had a very difficult flight home. Oh God, what are you doing? It was stupid. It was really stupid. I don't, yeah, I was a gub shot. No wonder you still love her. And she she was so lovely.

She's just a nice, we got on them really well it's the first relationship i'd had where do you know when you get on with someone you're like oh this is sound because i'd gone out i'd been out with girls at like college and it was just dead childish and there was arguments and you know i don't know how like my first girlfriends at um college it was just so stupid and everyone was it was everyone had like a girlfriend or boyfriend in the college and by the end of your two years so and so been out with so and so and it was all just so like college dudes were like so political almost what what and um like going out with faye i was like it was it was nice and apparently i'm too much of a prick to maintain nice so yeah just

ended a holiday like that if you're thinking about um questioning too much of a prick to maintain nice. So yeah, just ended a holiday like that. If you're thinking about questioning the validity of a relationship, don't do it in Crete. It's a long flight with an angry woman next year. No, the beach is the best place to do that. Don't do it in the kitchen. Why?

Because she's on the beach. I'd be in ruined beaches. I hope she's been able to go to a beach again. That would be bad. Ruin the kitchen. The worst place you could break up with me why the kitchen no I mean like

just somewhere like you're cooking oh I'm cooking you dinner you're not the one the worst place you could break up with me apart from like the golf course would be like halfway down a water slide

you know on those ones that you share that'd do my head in there I think the gun range might be the worst place can I ask you a question just before you you shoot that semi-automatic weapon, do you think I'm the one? That's a counter-argument.

I don't think you are. Two years in, and you didn't think she was the one? No. Mad. Was she fit? She's beautiful. Really nice. Great girl.

Just a tit. Your tit's 24. What? girl. Just a tit. Just a tit? She's 24. She was just a tit? That's what I didn't wear. She was just one big boob. We made a nice pair. Oh.

Of tits. Well, I'm glad this is a public episode. She's a really good person. And I've just dragged this all up for no reason. What's she up to now? I think she works on a beach. I left her there. I left her there.

She's still in Crete. Oh, that's a nasty. No, I can't go to Pizza Express. I wonder if she can go to beaches she'll be fine is that your worst breakup have you had worse than that i got dumped and i didn't realize i've never been dumped before what was her fucking name fay amber amber amber it was a girl that were it was when on my 30th birthday my sister went look I work with this girl

she's great she's really she's really fun and she's a bit older than me she's about your age and she's I think you'll really like her and I've said that

I had a party in Manchester for my 30th traffic light party what? I had a traffic light party it's very good I don't know if it's good because I don't get the reference.

What? Her name's Amber. Oh! Honestly, if I don't get the joke, I'm like, oh, it's just two pints every time. I've got one load of them as well. I'll see if it fits. And she turned up.

Amber traffic lights? No, no, no. Must be two pints, that. Anyway, back to the story. I'm still on the beach. And so we went out for a bit. She was nice. She was very, she was fun.

And it, you know, it was all right. It's a couple of months. I liked her. I wasn't that bothered. And I don't think she was that bothered. But it's one of them, you're 30. You probably need to meet someone. I'm 30

yeah it was I met her on my 30th birthday oh wow so yeah it was just up in the air didn't feel like you wanted to definitely go or stop

I liked her yeah no yeah and then I went she was like can I went round to pick her up we were meant to be going

to do something she was like can we talk come on I'm just trying to get the story out you do the jokes i'll do the story okay and um and we're at these lights and um it was one of them moments and uh she was like i just i'm not i'm not feeling it do you think we could just be friends and i was like you know what?

Yeah, we absolutely can. It's a good idea. Cause I'd have been a bit up in the air. So she was like, great. We should just be friends then, shouldn't we? I was like, do you know what? This is a fucking great idea. Brilliant.

Drove away going, sound that, want it? Sound. Spoke to my mate Bondi. He was like, oh, how's that bird? And I was like, oh yeah, we just, we split up. It was mutual. And he went, all right, cool. What happened? And I was like, i was that bird and i was like oh yeah we just we split up it was mutual and he went all right cool what happened and i was like i went round and she went listen i've been thinking about it we should just be friends and i went yeah yeah we should so it was mutual he went no it fucking wasn't you got dumped and i was like i went no i didn't it was definitely

you know when you're like i've never been dumped before I went oh yeah I did get dumped it's a soft it's a shit house dumping though no but I took I honestly had never been dumped I'd been the cunt that was like

on a beach going I want to talk big picture before we fly home like I was the bell and the end of it and because I honestly thought because I agreed

I was like it's mutual but it's not mutual I got dumped and then just took it like a trooper didn't I I thought you said

you didn't know like you were still just going to A's yeah that is how you set that up by the way like you didn't know you'd been dumped

yeah let's just be friends and I'll be back tomorrow to fuck you as friends come on I drove away going oh that was nice that was mutual

and Bondi was like no it fucking wasn't you got dumped and it oh that was nice that was mutual and bondy was like no it fucking wasn't you got dumped and it yeah that was my uh you ever had a girl take a dumping badly apart from fay she's not dead by the way she could be you know i'll tell you what though um if you could just wander out to see if at all you know no it would be weird i mean we did fly home together that would be

yeah on Crosby Beach that would be that would be irresponsible if you dumped a girl on the beach and went well I'm sure she'll get home she's not there nah she'll have worked it out

she probably swam used her grief I can't I don't know I've had girls there was a girl I was seeing from Liverpool before I met Laura and I was like I was really've had girls, there's a girl I've seen from Liverpool before I met Laura and I was like,

I was really like, oh, this isn't working out and I rang up and I used the line, I'm just not feeling it and she went, she went,

well, if you're not feeling it, there's nothing else we can do. She went, that's a shame, I really like you, man. Anyway,

look after yourself. She's Jamaican. And I put the phone down, it was Holly Willoughby and I put the phone down and I was like, oh, that was the best dumping ever. That was so good. Did that give you any regret?

No. I reckon if I dumped a girl and she was like, sound, I'd be like, no, stay. If she was like, all right, cool, what can you do? Do my head in. Why? Yeah. Are you a millionaire or something?

Yeah. Be upset now or we're staying together. Yeah, I agree. But you feel like it's gone too easily. No, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So if the girl had gone, what, I love you.

You're like, yeah, I win. One nil. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I need that. I do. I do.

Being able to end a relationship without feeling like a piece of shit is such a win for me. Because you get to go, I'm not feeling it. And she was like, cool. What can you do with that?

Nothing you can do with that. See you later. Yeah. I want them to be devastated when I leave. Inconsolable. That rings true. Yeah.

I'm a loss. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Who's going to take the piss? Constantly. Who's going gonna leave stuff for you to tidy up which I know you like doing

who's gonna have to stop conversations from poo breaks you only get that with me baby I'll go to Asda Morrison's I'll go to all of them

I don't give a fuck so yeah Laura's ex love pizza express is what I was trying to say are you sure that's what she said so I have to go on my own

I had a little damn day yesterday that makes a bit a euphemism. What? For what? Bumming. I didn't say that that way. I can't go to Pizza Express anymore,

if you know what I mean. Remind me, John. I used to love Pizza Express. I can only come love Pizza Express. Yeah. I can only come via Pizza Express. Can I go there no more? I've had an anal prolapse, you know. Too much Pizza Express.

Those rockito peppers really do some damage on the way out, if you know what I mean. I don't. You're insane. Have you had any traumatic breakups, Finn, apart from the cat one no it's his only breakup have you got any

like genuinely that's the only one that I know of I haven't got any built up it's sad here this is sad because of that like pizza express is obviously a thing for Laura so yeah bald cats. Can't go near them now.

Bald cats. Now, that's a euphemism, isn't it? If Pizza Express is a euphemism, yeah, I can't go near bald cats. I couldn't anyway. Shave them, bossy. Oh, yeah. Pizza Express is a euphemism.

And I'm not doing five guys again. I mean that literally I'm not taking five guys to pizza express I'll sit down for a week press the button section two of four. It's Have a Word.

Adam's just brought up a very, very viable conspiracy. How about the submarine people? Yeah. This is not going out for a couple of weeks. So this might be widespread by the time this goes out. Yeah, it will be. I think they faked their death. There you go.

I think they faked it. Billionaires, they've got a lot of money, right? Billions. You could say, right? It's a lot. And to get around taxes, it's on the self-assessment.

Have you died in a submarine recently? Yes. We won't. Shit, you're free. I think they faked the death to hide the money from the IRS. Yeah. The Inland Revenue System.

Service? Or system? Wasn't one of the billionaires Indian? If you want. All right, cool. Still hiding from the IRS, though. Because he really hates paying taxes. Yeah, but that's just like,

that's the commensal, isn't it? Where's he from? Did he live in India? I don't know. That's the commensal though, isn't it? Oh, we haven't faked our death. We've got this Indian fellow. We haven't faked our death with Indians.

Nobody fakes their death with an Indian. Yeah, it's a good one. I think that will be widespread. By the time this goes out, everyone will be like, God, this is old news. Titanic 2 is coming out, don't. I know this is all old news,

but mate, Netflix jizzed their kecks yesterday when they had the badly explosion implosion. Explosion implosion? Yeah, it's a good album name, isn't it? Yeah, they jizzed their kecks. The concept of an implosion is a bit mad to get your head around, isn't it? Just in.

It's the opposite of X. X goes out. Im goes in. Jamaican. Im goes in. Real quick. It's impossible to die that quick. It's just a bit like a water speed record.

They've just died the fastest ever. Which is well better than what I thought it was going to be. Just like going to care. Just waiting to die for four days. Well, they have been waiting to implode. So you... Oh, okay. So how long do you think before it imploded?

Within 0.3 seconds. How long have they been sat there going, this is bad? I don't know what they've got. So did you hear the knocking noises? Oh, I heard the banging sounds. Good sweet. Did you hear the knocking?

Have you heard the thing? It's like them banging on the side of the submarine, which is... Maybe they caused the banging sounds. Good tweet. Did you hear them knocking? Have you heard the thing? It's like them banging on the side of the submarine. Maybe they caused the implosion. But they're going to pinpoint when it happened because they had sonar boys in the air. I'm a sonar boy. Yeah, sonar boys. Don't worry about it.

Sonar boy. They're going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment it imploded. So they'll be able to say it's hammer death. So they knew it was bad. They were hoping they would get rescued. And then in 0.3 seconds, did you say, the whole thing just crumpled? Just crumpled like a can. And just 16,000 feet away from the Titanic.

So they drifted that far. So they were literally just lost. Yeah. Twitter has loved this story, hasn't it? Loved it. I think just going a kip in a slightly too warm submarine sounds better. Do you not?

You don't sleep if you're about to die. Oh, shall we get my head down? No, you misunderstand. They didn't go a kip because they're like, boring this, isn't it, Diane? Shall we just have a sleep and see if it's all all right when we wake up? Yeah. Why don't more people do this in peril? Oh, Diane? Should we just have a sleep and see if it's all all right when we wake up? Yeah.

Why don't more people do this in peril? Oh, we're about to have a car crash. Close your eyes, everyone. And maybe we'll wake up. Maybe we won't. All right. See you later. Bye.

They just, it's the lack of oxygen. Doesn't it just make you pass out? Yeah, but they had enough oxygen. It wasn't that I killed them. It was the implosion. So the death hole felt it. Yeah, but they didn't because it happened so quick. Yeah, but the death hole, they would have. I'll take implosion. So the death-o felt it. Yeah, but they didn't because it happened so quick.

Yeah, yeah, but the death-o, they would have... I'll take, yeah. By the time this episode goes out, there's probably another one that sank. Now, that would be silly, wouldn't it? Do you know what? Let's do tomorrow morning.

Now. Because this is going out so far in the future. Dan? Welcome tomorrow morning. Guess what? 19 ships gone down to see Titanic.

Crazy. All of them imploded. One exploded. That was a big fart. That man had bare rockito peppers. I don't, mate. That has got to be off the table now, hasn't it? Forever. Now is the best time to go down. Yeah, get a discount.

One, yeah. And two. There'll be more of them now the odds of it happening are insane it's like flying on 9-12 you're literally flying mate flying on what? flat 9-12

yeah it is there was no Saturday attacks the day after 9-11 no there wasn't when something bad happens be the first after

the odds are mad right but the odds are higher if you get a piece of shit that can implode yeah that one was basically there will be more submarines in the Titanic

that'll become a thing now and they'll be like ah we survived like them dickheads no there are 100 James Cameron has done it 33 times yeah but properly

yeah so this was just a really bad one and apparently he got loads of letters going hey lad turn it in yeah

this is naughty he was like nah banter and that and then he's killed people he refused to hire old white men he was like i don't want any 50 year old white guys from the navy there's a video of like this 25 year old girl and they're going i'll just work it with this remote a tiktoker was hired she there's a tiktoker ever watching the submarine go down going when you watch the submarine go to the titanic and it's them dying we'll not die in them but the start of their death cool the way and there'll be more yeah we've got some prep so uh we'll do a question and we're going to do a top five we're not doing a top five for a while so this one is from danielle uh i've changed it a little bit but it's the general idea hi lids if you had to put together the have a word space program

uh who would you pick out of all the Havowood space program, who would you pick out of all the guests that you've had so far? You're allowed three picks and one celebrity wildcard. Like Star Trek? What? No, just like first trip to Mars. Oh. So we've got to spend

how long would it be? Eight years or something, let's guess. You've got to spend eight years every day with these people. I don't want to do that with yous. I know, but you've got to for the question. Tom Stade. Who are you picking? I love him, but two hours is enough.

A few pints with Tom. Look at this fucking alien guy. What's going on? I love Tom, but like a night out with Tom, you need a little break from Tom. Because he's a lot. He's great, but he's a lot.

An eight year space mission seems a lot. On the space mission, do we get Sky Sports? Can I still watch the match? You get all the amenities you want. So you're just living in a rock, on a spaceship for eight years. Take Alfie then,

so I've got someone to talk about the footy with. I know you're a Liverpool fan but I don't respect your opinion. Hang on, do we have to repopulate the new planet? No.

No. Don't pick women we're going to fuck when we get there. If we have to repopulate, Alfie's fit. Yeah. We'll fuck the Martians. There's going to be some women, though, if you want.

I just want people to get on with. Yeah. So, Alfie, two more. Are we all doing our own, or are we doing one as a team? Do one as a team. Okay. Well, I want Alfie. I'll take Ishan.

I've just done eight days with him in Tenerife. What? What? What? No. Who am I taking? Probably Lee Sogola. Okay.

What a good choice. Next. So I get the celebrity wildcard. No. Carl, who are you picking? Lee Sogola. Who are you picking? Ooh.

Fucking hell. It's going to be the new one. Probably Lee Sogola. Who are you picking? I don't know. Whatever name he's ever been on. Sean Walsh. He's sound.

That's good. Oh my God. Sean Walsh for eight years on a space. Like Tom stayed mad as fuck. Sean Walsh is just I love the guy he's one of the best comics I've ever seen he's brilliant

but he would do his own nutting within the first three weeks although he did well in the jungle to be fair he did he did alright in the jungle who are you going for Finn

Celebrity Wildcard Celebrity Wildcard Lisa Ogola Barry Manilow to provide some entertainment isn't he dead do you like him or his music

Copacabana's good you could have Noel Gallagher and you go with Barry Manilow it's not it's good is it alright

Tom's pissed and Sean Walsh has gone mental and these two are arguing about the match right Barry play the song down at the

Copacabana I like the idea of the celebrity wildcard being an entertainer, though, where we can just be like, fucking sing you, like, at any moment. Right, so no one country.

That's... Michael Bublé. Ooh, Luke Combs. Or what about one of them, like, old-fashioned, like, British all-wowsers like Shane Ritchie or something? Luke Combs. The British all-wowsers.

Are you all right? Yeah. Are you all right? Barry Manilow and Shane Ritchie. Shane Ritchie, he could do Don't Forget the Lyrics. Yes. I swear, we could play that for the full eight-year flight

and I would not get bored once. The only problem that show had was that there was too many advert breaks in and they didn't do enough of the game in the show. Oh, what a TV programme. I'd love for one of you two to reboot that. Don't Forget the Lyrics. It'd be great. Well, let's put together a Don't Forget the Lyrics game. Yeah. Okay. I'm forget the lyrics. It'd be great. Let's put together a don't forget the lyrics game.

Yeah. Okay. I'm on to it. Cool. Okay, so we're going to do a top five. I can't believe Shane Ritchie got in. I was like, everyone's going to take the piss out of him. No, that's great. Shane Ritchie nailed it Finn. We can get him to do his Alfie Moon when we get bored. Be Alfie Moon for a bit.

Oh, he's in it. He can sing. Don't forget the lyrics. And he can be Alfie Moon for a bit. Oh, he's an idiot. Go on. He can sing. No, stop forgetting the lyrics. Hang on. And he can be Alfie Moon. Is his accent different to Alfie Moon? I don't know. What was he going?

I'm Alfie Moon, no. Nobody else's face different. Donnie's is different. It's a character, isn't it? It's like when I'm Draymond Weatherby. I don't change too much, but... Oh, my God, he's doing... He's doing his Alfie Moon face.

I know, sh's shitting. Right, top five. We've not done one for a good while. So. Top five. You got it? It's top five.

Top five men who were influential in modernizing homosexuality freddie mercury oh i don't know did he i think he did you know i modernize i mean like make it so like people aren't like really homophobic neil patrick harris i know there's still homophobia but like there's which gay men have influenced the straights and the gammons to be like do you know what the gays are all like

I reckon we should do fizzy drinks instead no I wanted the gays it's a euphemism for gay men so the fizzy drinks oh is it right

fizzy drink do you want to actually do fizzy drinks yeah alright I'll do the gays next week sorry gays I wanted to get you involved i don't

know if freddie mercury did you know i think he was he was a bit because he's a very high profile he's closeted for a while as well wasn't he do you know i used to think closets are gays just shagged each other in closets so that no one would see them i'm not even messing i mean technically yeah it makes so much sense he He's in the closet. It's so expensive being gay. I can't afford to buy wardrobes. And I'm not welcome at Ikea anymore. My number one fizzy drink is this.

Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. I think I've only had Dr. Pepper three times in my life. You're lying, aren't you? What? I think I've only had it three times. Why? It's just not...

It's fine. You're a fucking head to balls. Shut up. It's completely fine. It's in the top five. I don't know. It wouldn't be for me, but if it's two of you...

Okay, what... Tell me five that beat that. Canned water, probably, or something. Five that beat that. Rio, Rubicon, Cherry Pooh. Rubicon?

Rubicon? Yeah. Wait, do it. You Poe. Rubicon? Yeah. Wait a minute. Make a side, please. Rubicon? Rubicon. Yeah, Rubicon Mango. Mango Rubicon in the top five fizzy drinks on the planet.

What are you doing? It's Fanta Lemon. Fanta Lemon. Wait. Fanta Lemon. And then Old Recipe Fanta, the orange the orange one mate that's such a hipster top five fizzy drinks of all time it's a lie as well ah can we just say coca-cola has to be in the top five it isn't it isn't it tastes like sugar soup coca-cola pepsi is better than coca-cola oh i

disagree well you're wrong coca-c has got to be in a top five. I think with Coke and Pepsi, there is different containers that make it better. I have to agree. Out of a can, it is Pepsi. A can is the best of any... Oh, no, a glass bottle is always the one. Oh, sorry, glass bottles up there.

Glass bottle Pepsi is unbelievable. But Pepsi out of, like, a drink dispenser is shit. Like, Mackey's Coke's unbelievable. But Pepsi out of like a drink dispenser is shit. Like Mackey's Coke's great. But a good post-mix drink shits on all of it, I think. If it gets it right. What, from a pub? If it's a banging one, when they've just done the syrup and all the proportions are right.

And Mackey's Coke is the only one that comes close to being able to hang with glass bottle. Glass bottle's the best. Yeah. Why do plastic bottles make it taste not as good? Because they've got plastic in it. It warms up quicker, doesn't it, with your hands on it? I don't know what it is about that.

So what would be your number one? Coke. I'm trying to do a consensus top five. Okay. I would say, I just think, as soon as we got on holiday, I wanted a full fat Coke as part of like... Cherry Coke goes in my top five, but not Coca-Cola. Cherry Coke is sweet, sweet, naughty ting, innit?

Cherry Coke. Ting's in there. Pepsi. Dr. Pepper. Rio. Go on, say the last one. Say it. Go on.

Dirty bitch. You know what you want to say. Come on. Orange Fanta. I want to give an honourable mention to Dandelion and Burdock out of a can yeah I don't know

if it can make top five it is very good though but it needs an honourable mention it's almost like our British version of somewhere between like it's like Dr Pepper

yeah not being in the top five doesn't mean it's bad because you've got like cream soda as well Iron Brew they're still amazing drinks they just miss out in Scotland that is absolutely first ballot hall of fame Iron Brew they're still amazing drinks they just miss out in Scotland that is

absolutely first ballot hall of fame Iron Brew see I like root beer but I wouldn't argue for it to be in a top 5 because I know it's not it's a specific taste

that not everyone likes yeah in my top 5 fizzy drinks there's Mouthwash Bovril fizzy bovril fizzy bovril

you might as well if you're having fucking root beer mate so so far cherry coke has been pretty unanimous so cherry coke dr pepper

it's so good cherry coke me and adam both said rio i think that's a rio's in there and it's got in there recently as well i kind of i know this might not go down

i fucking love a fizzy vimto oh yeah yes it's really good it is in there it's not above any of the five

I've just said not for you no it just isn't it's not above three top fives with Adam no I've said the top five

so you argue about the rest and you're wrong and that's how we'll do it I honestly think there's something about the old

chip shop drinks like Tizer no but I do I love what flavour is Tizer electric you're a Lilt fan aren't you

Lilt rest in peace mate I'm not buying that fancy shite it's your dream top five go back in time that's why nope

it doesn't matter it doesn't the receptacle and the branding is important I think it's the same receptacle no but I mean like the look of the receptacle and the branding is important, I think. It's the same receptacle. No, but I mean like the look of the receptacle.

It looks the same. Doesn't. It does. It's called Lilt, honey. Sorry, what's this? Lilt's rebranded. Lilt has been rebranded as Fanta Grapefruit and Pineapple or whatever. Oh, the shit.

Yeah. Lilt's a good one, but I don't think... No, I don't think it's top five. It's not top five I do like it though right so so far Cherry Coke's in Cherry Coke

is Dr Pepper in yes yeah yeah yeah Dr Pepper's great shut up Finn is Rio in I'm not as arsed about Rio

have you had one yeah it's nice yeah it's alright if you go to a chippy and they sell Rio and you get anything else

you should be shot before you leave yeah before you've. Yeah. What have you even paid? Bang, bang, bang. Shoot them in the head. No one's mentioned any form of lemonade.

Is that just out of the question? If you buy, if you, can I have a Schweppes? No, but you know like an original Sprite used to be class. It's shite now

because they don't do it with any sugar in it. Sprite's my favorite of the lemonade. Yeah, Sprite's the best lemonade but it has fell off there's no way you're buying it as a can

it's a mixer isn't it sometimes I might fancy it again a holiday changes my power very rarely so Fanta lemon? no it's overrated

really? it's massively overrated people cream themselves over Fanta lemon they're like ooh give us a Fanta lemon shite it's not shite but it People cream themselves over Fanta lemon. They're like, ooh, here's a Fanta lemon.

Blah, blah, blah. Shite. It's not shite, but it's not the best Fanta. It's behind orange and fruit twist in the Fanta. Fruit twist gets a bit sickly, though. I do like a fruit twist. Yeah. Fanta lemon leaves like a horrible taste in me throat.

It can be a bit bitter. Like smoky and bitter, yeah. Right. So, Cherry Coke. Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. I think, is consensus Rio?

Rio's in there. I know Dan didn't say it, so Rio. And then we've got two more spaces to fill. My vote would be OG Fanta Orange. Yeah. It is just a staple,

isn't it? And you've got to have a staple in there. That means you've got to have Coke in there, though. Actually, though, I had a Tango the other day and it was much nicer

than a Fanta. No, I don't like Tango. Tango's second-rate championship than a Fanta. No, I don't like tango. Tango's second rate championship. Fanta is better. Hmm. Is tango British? Is it?

It's Pepsi, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. It's Pepsi make tango, I think. But like, I'm not putting Coca-Cola

in there when Pepsi's alive and kicking. Question, where does Sarsaparilla come into it? Oh. Yeah, it's pretty big.

Yeah. That's really... San Pellegrino as well. I come into it? Oh. Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah. That's really... San Pellegrino as well. I do like it. Oh, damn fancy. The pomegranate San Pellegrino. I like the lemon one. And the blood orange.

Blood orange is good as well. Get a list of... I'm looking. Fizzy cans. I'm looking to see what we've forgotten. San Pellegrino feels like it's that fancy pop in it. I feel like we've hit all the big ones, you know? Just Iron Brew, but we've not really spoken about it.

You can make a case for Iron Brew. I really like it. It's because it's their own unique flavour, isn't it? It's so out there. It's great with a hangover as well. Iron Brew's something that I go to hangover-wise. Also, Vimto made me and you both go, mmm, yeah.

So is Vimto the last one? I think Vimto is an alternative to Rio. It's in my top three, Vimto, though, yeah. So is Vimto the last one? But I think Vimto is an alternative to Rio. It's in my top three, Vimto, though, I think. Nah. Like Cherry Coke, Dr Pepper, Vimto, they're my staple ones.

I'll go Fizzy Vimto. Yeah. What about a Lucozade? I've never... Old recipe, but not the new stuff. But you can... You can have old recipe.

Can I, though? I'm going on what I could go and get from the shop now. Okay. I've never had a can of Lucozade, I don't think. from the shop now okay so i've never had a can of um lucasade i don't think what i don't think i've ever had the kind of lucasade i have it's fizzy drink so it doesn't have to be a can yeah uh right i'm just limit myself to cans then the only one we've missed is orangina but i don't think that should even be

orange and a root beer I mixed them me Sunday morning watching the sunrise with my orange in a root beer mixer

the last one what we got frozen yoghurt float that's you

that slam what's the last what's taking the last spot um

I'm putting vimto in there for me I'm putting vimto in there for me I'm putting Pepsi in I'm putting Vimto in for me Vimto's in Fuck Adam

Yes Consensus Vimto Cool Yes Sweet Right Got a bit of advice For me

Oh shit Got a bit of advice Oh people are asking for it Or are you giving it to us What the fuck This button never goes off What's the advice Jesus Christ My vice is green

feathers it wasn't that wasn't the problem it was the top five was still going here to help show your problems so this is from taylor white hi hi lads need some advice basically my brother had a pet gecko in his room and one night when me and my mates were drunk we went into his room and took it out of its cage we had it out for a bit before someone dropped it from quite high at first it was fine but then someone turned around and stood on it completely obliterating its body not knowing what to do we flushed it down the toilet what this was two days ago he's not realized because it always hides in the leaves so you can never see it anyway and also i've had to take some food away when he's not in so he thinks it's eaten.

I don't know what to do. How should I tell him? And should I even say anything? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. Rest in peace, Pico. The gecko's name. Is this the brother?

This is the brother. Oh, he hasn't killed his brother. I mean, he's got himself really in too deep by hiding the gecko's food, isn't it? That's mad. He just stood on his... I can't believe you can flush lizards

down the box. Oh. How big is a gecko? Oh, it's flushable, isn't it? Yeah. That's what they say in the pet shop. Oh, babe, it's flushable.

You know those flushable geckos in that? I don't want to clog my toilet. These are the flushable lizards and these are the ones where, yeah, you're going to have

to bury the body. Big cunts. You can't flush kimono then. Kimono dragons. That's rough, I don't know what you do. Say you've escaped. Or wait for him to say he's escaped, just shut up. I mean, this is gonna be a clip on the internet, just show him this.

This is your best bet, innit? If you've got a gecko, go and see if you have. You never have a gecko. Check on your geckos, boys. All our lizard owners, go into your room, check your geckos still there. Would you ever have any exotic

animals, Dan? I know you'd eat dogs, but where do you stand on lizards? and don't say in the living room I drop them first so I've got concussion I've stood on a lizard

flushed it down the bog what counts as exotic something that you wouldn't get in a pet shop reptile I could see you with snakes you know

you're not looking probably I mean no I'd welcome him and imagine like when a snake are you being horrible cunt

for a reason why is he turning on me today you're not looking properly. No, I mean, no. I'd welcome him. And imagine when a snake lands. Are you being an horrible cunt for a reason? It's because he looks like Voldemort. Why is he turning on me today? You're a right rat. Adam. You fucking root beer, fucking weird owner in Gina. You fucking snakes. It's because he looks like Voldemort.

I ate. You ate snakes? I'm not being horrible to you. What's going on today? That was the funniest joke. What's going on? I think you're just on your little period, you know. You have your little damn day once a year, don't you?

I think it's today. Do you know what brings that on? You've been horrible about root beer, orange ena and snakes. Fucking hate snakes. I hate snakes. Once a year. Once a year, Adam has that day where he comes in

and he won't show up about root beer, orange enenan and snakes and it just puts me in a mood. What? I think that's a compliment. What? No, you don't. You look like you have snakes. No, you don't. You fucking liar. If I said to you, oh, by the way, John's come along, he looks like he likes snakes. He looks like he keeps snakes.

Oh, what? You mean that was a along. He looks like he likes snakes. He looks like he keeps snakes. Oh, what? You mean that as a compliment? Yeah. Are they flushable snakes? Or the really big ones? I've had to get a plumber out. Yeah. Try to flush an anaconda.

What exotic animal would you keep, Dan? I don't... I really... The ones where they have to have the heated cage. I'm out. I'd like a liger. What's a liger? It's a hybrid between a lion? I'm out. I'd like a liger. What's a liger? It's a hybrid between a lion and a tiger. And it's like a mule.

One of them heated cages. And it can't reproduce. Right. So you can fuck it without worrying. Google liger. Get off the floor from one of these boys, man. It's basically, it's a tiger on the pill Get here you

You mule Can't fucking have babies Can you Fucking raw Don't get me liger What are you all Mocking Is me

Get me here you mule You're giving it a blow Get me here you Get me here you Look at the size of them They are big boys but you just enjoy that picture i've seen a liger yeah he's got a like we said you can't sexually assault a liger it's gotta want it oh you have to whine and dine it yeah like it's a big boy is on you see that oh god my favorite lag is the ones with the um the mains the liger tops this one looks interesting

i'd have a cap of bar or a quokka what's wrong with that one? That's what I'm asking. That's wrong with that one. You're getting fucked. Oh, dear. Oh. I've showed you kawakas before, but Google kawaka. I'm having 10 of these in my house. That liger looks like it keeps snakes. How do you spell it?

A-Q-U-O-double-K-I. You've only talked that to us, haven't you? Just fucking, like, slamming me. Just because he gets tired and he's like, you know what, we'll fucking shoot off of you. Fuck off, mate. Get a fucking snake. He's still going.

He's fucking fuming. Oh, my God. He just brought it up again and then went, oh, God, what's going on about it? I'm being gaslit to fuck today. Man, relax. It's just a snake. It's grand. I'll have ten of them in me house. Ten kaw fuck today. Man, relax. It's just a snake lake. Snake lake. It's grand.

I'll have ten of them in my house. Ten quokkas. Little butlers. Don't let them round down the snakes. Why do all these animals look special needs? That liger looked properly special. Look at that one. That's an overly happy quokka.

The ligers look special needs because they've been inbred, basically. It's like when you go to Cornwall or something. Oh, great. I'm from Cornwall, am I? They all look special needs to me. Dan, you look like you're from Cornwall. No, you're proper Preston. What, Adam?

What have you ever done? Dunno. Snake? Dunno. I genuinely hate reptiles. I think they're fucking... Don't get a reptile then. What about a sloth? I don't know. I genuinely hate reptiles. I think they're fucking... Don't get a reptile then? What about a sloth?

I feel like that'd be... Do this for me. What? Do that. You know. Think I'd look good with a falcon? Yeah. A sloth born, don't you?

What? A sloth born, innit? Do nothing. And he's got big audible hands as well. I'd love an otter less exotic I'd love a seat an otter's pretty exotic

not as a sloth it's as exotic as your thing I've seen more otters than I've seen kawakas what are people's houses are people's houses if you went round

and said you know this is the new kitchen we've had done and that's the otter cage. That's not. It's like, oh, yeah, I'm bored of otters. Stop going on about otters.

Everyone's got a fucking otter. Look at that knobhead walking his otter around the park. There used to be a man in Japan who walked his otter. Of course there was. Of course there was. There was a man in Japan. Yeah, in Sakai. Walking his otter.

He used to walk his otter. Down the road with his sparkling chain bleed if there's a house fire do you think a

sloth can like speed it up what like make it worse you're gonna do crimes with petrol bombs yeah

that's what happened that's what all the wildfires and I was just sloths. Just petrol bombing the fucking woodland areas. Just slowly pouring out.

Do you want a crime sloth? Do you have anything that we do arson? I'd love a crocodile me. Imagine having a crocodile that you've trained and it was just at your whim. To do what?

Just like fend off danger for me. Are you training it? Yeah. What are you wearing to teach her? What? If there's danger coming towards you, what are you shouting? Hey.

Get him. Get him, John. John the crocodile there's any crocodile called John yeah where are you keeping him in your flat

I've got a spoon in the bath just eating webs oh I can't pay that bill my crocodile lesson you'd love a crocodile as a pet so when fucking everyone knocks on to get you to pay bills i just don't you could just release john the crocodile i need a pet i can close the blinds quick that's lost no good there he's trying to burn the house down

i'm really sorry i didn't mean to upset you so what should Taylor do about the pet gecko he should fuck off no they are goths though sneaker owners are goths I think they're cool I think they're cool

you too I do owners of golfs? I think they're cool. Oh, you do? I do. If you met a girl and she was like, I'll come back to mine. Yeah. And you were like, nice one.

And she was like, oh, hang on, before we get down to it and fuck, I've got to feed my snakes. And you feed mine, yeah. How long

before you just go home? Oh, it depends on how fit she was. Yeah, that's true, actually. That's the international rule on... There's a scale. It's an internationally recognised scale, the snake fit scale.

And they have to be above the line of... Oh, my God, she's five snakes fit. That's so fit. Yeah, I think people who own snakes they're often really sound people ambitious you look like you keep I didn't say that

I just said he looks like I could see him with snakes I didn't say he looks like he's got them I'm saying it looks like it's in your future yeah it's not a compliment I hope his crocodile fucking eats him John

get him John not me I didn't say get on me I'm going to have a root beer in this break just to piss you off. Does Taylor need to do anything with the gecko? No, he's fucked, isn't he? He's killed his brother's gecko. Why are you getting your brother's gecko out? Why has he got a fucking gecko?

You're a pair of fucking lizards. Because you bought all the snakes. I've got five. Because I'm fit. Please let me end this section go on press the button now tell your brother you've killed his gecko your fucking child hi Janine

Janine Hi Janine Haroon is here Hi How are you? I'm pregnant You are pregnant I'm so You're pregnant as fuck

Is what I'd say Seven months Christ Four to go Four to go Hey Yeah And I've just started feeling

I'm really kick Yeah Is it a boy? It's a boy Okay You got a name yet? I don't want to tell yeah and I can I've just started feeling I'm really kick yeah is it a boy it's a boy okay you got a name yet I don't want to tell I'm not allowed to tell you

the first name but I will this is really weird his middle name I'm going to tell you his middle name it's going to be Adam but it's not

middle name is going to be Adam yeah yeah as if Mr. Brace yes it is yeah yeah yeah it's not after you not after him no no no

it's about Adam Brace who recently passed away yeah yeah rest in peace what a way to start what a way to start the podcast It's not after you, not after him, no. No, no. It's about Adam Brace, who recently passed away. Yeah, I know. Rest in peace. What a way to start. What a way to start the podcast. Seven months.

Seven months, yeah. All gone to plan. This one has gone to plan, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. We had a miscarriage last year. Oh, my God. Talking to my dead friend. To my dead baby. Talking to my dead baby.

Wow. Okay. Cool. How editable are these? How editable are they? Yeah. They are. That you don't want to talk about.

Do you want to stop and start again now? No, we can talk about it. Okay. It's a really common thing. We can talk about it. It absolutely is, yeah. Yeah. A lot of moms who've had babies have had miscarriages first.

Yeah. How far gone were you? Three months. So we found out at the 12-week scan. yeah a lot of moms who've had babies about mass colleges first yeah yeah they say it's one in four three months so we found out at the 12-week scam but uh but then because my husband's insatiable we got pregnant again straight away so i've done like back-to-back first trimesters i'm sure you know from your wife they're the least fun one although laura hated third trimester the most right because she was super uncomfortable yeah aggressive when scary when are your kids born are they in summer months or uh february with etta um three days early and april with jack a month early okay emergency c-sections both times what happened whoa what

happened she got so angry she went into labor that's how it felt a month early yeah but that's that's not that but that's not that bad they say from 30 so 40 weeks is full-term pregnancy but they say anything from 37 is is actually all right all right well that makes sense because he speaks with the chinese accent have you seen that video of the person who had a traumatic head injury have we oh it's our favorite isn't that my favorite? It's my favourite thing. And I try and forget about it, but then people Instagram DM me all the time, like, damn, this is your favourite.

Do you think it's real? No, but genuinely, his son has got a Chinese accent and no one really knows why. The two-year-old. It's not always Chinese, and it's levelling out now. But initially, when he learnt to ask for a drink, it was, whata? Whata?

And I think that extra three weeks in the oven might have done a lot of good to a lot of people but the lady on the video oh amazing had a migraine apparently a really bad one came out and went all right and you know did a voice it feels less offensive when i do a playful one of my two-year-old. But she came out full. But it's not offensive because you're doing an impression of a white woman who's doing that voice. You started pretty intense. You've just tuned into this podcast.

It's when she's like, I just want to hear my own voice. It's unbelievable. Sean Connolly. The thing with, so we discussed this recently on the podcast, the lady with the head injury who speaks in a Chinese accent because Carl and Dan think that she's had a head injury

a doctor commented and said that's the point that's real a doctor commented and said they're right a doctor messaged me and said Carl and Dan are fucking idiots

no that doctor messaged me and went I've changed my mind I was bullshitting to Adam they think like she's doing a Chinese accent and she's not just got a speech impediment that sounds like one. I thought she was doing a Chinese accent.

She is. Because there's Italian ones and everything. She's heard a Chinese person before. It is a disorder. It's called something like foreign accent. Yeah, yeah. No, but Adam thinks it just sounds Chinese. If she'd never heard a Chinese accent, she'd never heard a Chinese accent, she'd still be doing the exact same noise that she's doing.

No, no, no. No, she's doing. Something has gone wrong in her head. What's the difference? What's the criteria? If anyone heard that, they would say it was a Chinese accent. Exactly.

It's true. Oh my God, thank you. How long is that? Good night, everybody. I'm leaving. Yeah. If you were going gonna have a head injury and you were gonna wake up with a foreign accent what one would you choose if you could pick one if they woke you up and they're like janine you fell down the stairs love right and now we've we've had a look at your brain and you've got foreign accents you know but we can tweak it and give you the one you want. What one are you going for? I would say Spanish maybe.

Something sexy, Latin. Definitely something that looks like what I look like. This woman, people must throw things at her in the street. No, I think they celebrate her. Plus she's from Plymouth. It's better than having a Plymouth accent, I guess. I don't know.

Shots fired on Plymouth. They're all like, I don't know what Yeah. Shots fired on Plymouth. They're all like, I don't know what you mean. Daniel really enjoyed that. What? The Armada. The Armada? From before, and it's true.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd go French, me. It's the sexiest accent. How you say. How you say my head is hurting. I have had a pretty bad migraine. But this is not a French accent this is just the voice i am doing it just so happens it sounds a little bit french speaking of head janine

if i had a dollar for every time someone started the conversation with me like that you mentioned some other 98th percentile with your oh my baby's head is in the 98th percentile right what does that mean because that sounds to me like a math problem it so it at first i thought it was fine because i thought well 100 is the best but 50 is normal so that means that if 100 babies were measured there's only two babies heads that are bigger than my baby's head so it's it's an a plus oh yeah baby actually planned i'm gonna do a planned c-section i think okay yeah yeah just because 98th percentile heads they're gonna do some damage on the way out let's be honest it's just a good tactical decision 100 yeah and my husband has a huge head so i don't

think it's gonna level out right okay yeah so yeah i'm gonna wonder what my kid's gonna be like edwise 99th%. What were you? Do you know? I don't know. I think they had to pull me out with like... Or forceps. What? Forceps. Yeah.

From a bread oven. Fucking loaf head. Just got the tongs out of the kitchen. Get them here. That's where the nickname came from. Fucking loaf head on that. I was called loaf head at school because I have a long head.

It looks like I haven't got a big head. Like if you just look at me straight on. Yeah. Just look at me straight on. Okay. If you look at me side on, I've got like a really long head. So if my baby comes out like sideways, then it's going to fucking ruin me wife.

Do you know what I mean? But if it comes out straight, then it'll be fine. Sideways like this? No, but I mean like if the owl's there, if the baby's coming out like sideways like that, then it's like if the owl's there if the baby's coming out like sideways like that then it's but if it's going straight

yeah they can they can do a little spin on that yeah yeah yeah like Monty Python like they're not knowing your kid it might be

stubborn enough to be like no I'm going sideways but I don't understand it's a circle so whichever way is going to be what's a circle is it a circle

the vagina okay I think the c-section might be best for you if you're asking to have a word So whichever way is going to be... What's a circle? Is it a circle? The vagina? Okay. I think the C-section might be best for you. If you're asking to have a word to him for vagina, it is a circle. Is it a triangle? What's a circle? What's a shape of my vagina?

Anyone? Unless it's coming out like this. Like an oasis. Face first. Stop crying. Yes, Laura. Like a luge. Stop it. A luge put me back up i want to go again i've had so many silly questions about pregnancy that can you feel like can you just feel a person

in there yeah it's really weird that's not a silly question at all it's super weird like the outside kicks are cute but then you can also feel them kicking you inside. Like I can feel them kicking me in the colon. Like it's pretty crazy. Shit. Yeah, and then... I'm having the same thing with some Rikito peppers. So I know the feeling.

I've got IBS. Can you hit... Have you had hiccups yet? Has the baby had hiccups? No, no. Yeah, we had... Jack had hiccups. And you the baby had hiccups? No, no. Yeah, we had, Jack had hiccups. And you can...

And what, you start shaking? I have an IBS, man. That really tickled me. It's trying to one-up you. I have an IBS. My baby's kicking my coal. Well, you know, I've got an IBS. It's all difficult.

Have you not got any, like, really... I mean, you won't because you've had a baby, but have you not got any really obvious, silly questions about babies no I honestly just think it's a lot simpler than people make out I understand that there's difficulty

for the person carrying the child but I do think it's a bigger deal than people make it out to be like it's just a baby isn't it Adam's bringing a book out about it pregnancy the Adam Rose story I hate you I hate you right now. Why do you hate me?

Because it's so hard and it's so weird. I'm not saying it's not difficult for you. So many things happen that you just wouldn't expect. Like you break out in acne because your hormones are going all crazy. I've got some better than any. Also, if you're having a natural birth, you're not a natural birth you're not going to shit yourself not going to shit yourself no because you shit yourself and you have a natural birth don't you

can do yeah anytime you're pushing i think i think it's like not 90 percent of people and you're going to make them all that do you think there's ever women have literally elected to do a c-section just through worrying about plopping in front of imagine doing anyway birth team i think by the end you just want it out of you so you don't care who you're shitting in front of yeah i would that's not i'm having one because why not like why wouldn't you you can have one on the nhs i thought you had to have to be medical now no you can just uh opt for one oh really they try and persuade you against it but you can you can just opt for one. They try and persuade you against it, but you can ask for one. And having seen both sides of it live

in that birthing suite, 38 hours of actual labor looked pretty rough. And within 40 minutes of Laura... I mean, it's nothing compared to IBS. No, it's not IBS. Or a mild sunburn. So sorry. But when Laura had the diamorphine,

it looked way more fun when she went from I'm in pain to being like I feel good well she was doing it without any drugs what?

she was doing it without any drugs she went gas and air whoa she went gas and air hard she originally said she wasn't

which apparently does nothing I've heard I had a go felt good it just fucks with your voice gas and air it works for them you were absolutely swatted but it didn't do anything for the pain good. It just fucks with your voice, Gasson. It works for them.

You were absolutely swatted. But it didn't do anything for the pain. No. Hang on, it messes with your voice? Have you had a helium balloon? Lad, his voice went insane.

Have you not, have you not had, put the deep voice on, for me. This is, this is what Adam thinks Gasson air feels like. No, put the deep voice on.

Right, for you. Yeah. Oh, lad, that is literally, lad. If, if you knew Right, for you. Yeah. Oh, Lord. That is literally Lord. If you knew... This is your car.

Oh, wait. These two can't hear that. We've got a sound effect, so it was a very deep voice. I followed. Oh, right, okay. I was just keeping... I understand the power of the...

I was like, Lord, this is good. This is any flavors? Yeah. Definitely get the dimorphine on. Isn't the scar really small as well? It's tiny, yeah. It's maybe like five inches.

Yeah, so why not? I think so. That's not five inches, is it? My husband says it is. Edit that out. No. Apparently all OBGYNs so all doctors

and their partners get what did you say sounds like a rapper doesn't it OBGYN Dr. Trey OBGYN

OBGYN OBGYN RIP that's gynecologist isn't it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but they all

they all get C-sections elective C-sections because they see what goes, can go wrong. Are you going to do drugs? No, I'm not having major surgery

without drugs. Yeah. She's going to do a natural C-section. It's pretty left field, but Janine's like that. She's like, you know what?

I want to do a C-section, but I don't want to do drugs. Oh, do you always do drugs with a C-section? It's major surgery. They're cutting it in seven layers. major most surgeries you do drugs as well i'm i know you get like a like a local anesthetic but are you going to do like the like diet smack in there i'll do that i'll do the epidural yeah yeah yeah

are you gonna have morphine i don't know i don't know what the morphine is the best thing in the world go for the ibs it actually makes you really constipated huh it makes you really constipated oh it really is good for ibs maybe that's what you need to be doing get on the morphine i'm still laughing at the natural c-section cut me i can handle it i'll hold my partner's hand. I know so little about childbirth or pregnancy or any of those things, but I feel like a god in this room right now. Yeah, you know.

Although you definitely know more than I do. Yes. I got given a book to read when our daughter was born. She was like, listen, I know you've not read up about stuff, but Laura reads about anything. No, it wasn't like a, this is what happened. It was a...

Was it the week by week book? And she was like, right, have you read it? I was like, ah, a lot of it's instinctive. And she was like, cool, how often does a baby need to be fed? And I guessed at two hours. Nothing but net. Fucking loved it.

Got away with it. Didn't read a page. Every two hours. That was the one question she asked you? Yeah. Wow. And I got that right. If I was having a roast in it every two hours, you'd all question she asked you yeah wow and i got that right and i've if i was having a roasting in every two hours you'd all be having a weird with me why is this

kid getting dinners every two hours i think that's why etta was so healthy we had a sunday dinner every two hours laura was tired you know because she had to prepare 12 a day um i didn't read anything do you did you have you i'm not i'm exactly like you oh exactly like you but I feel like I'm dealing with it physically so my husband does all the reading and then just tells me what it all is which is great, it's really good because I can't read, I'm not a reader such a comedian thing isn't it

I like doing, I don't like reading I'll do the both I bought one and read 22 pages on the way to Belfast anyway AI is better than reading as well I bought one and read 22 pages on the way to Belfast anyway it's better you've been reading as well I win tonight

we were talking just before we started about Finn's ethnicity because you got a vibe straight away I was like what's wrong with Finn two in a row, Tom stayed slanted and you were telling us that you're half Lebanese half Lebanese what's through the half uh Irish and Italian okay classic combo in

New York Irish Italian Lebanese my well Irish and Italian is a classic combo I think you know that because they were like a Romeo and Juliet situation you know because the Irish hated the Italians so their kids loved each other because it's forbidden so my mom's parents her dad is italian and her mom is irish wow yeah yeah and your partner's irish yeah keeping the gene pool real tight yeah um you you were asking finn before whether he speaks oh yeah that's right well turkish is different than Arabic, isn't it? Yeah, it's a totally different language. Yeah, yeah. So in Lebanon, it's Arabic? Arabic, yeah. But I was saying that, because you asked if I spoke any Arabic, I only know the curse words because my dad didn't want to curse in English around us. So he would just curse in Arabic. Like if he's

building a bookshelf or something, he'd be like, Sharmuta. And I just know all those words. And then when I got to high school if he was building a what a bookshelf a bookshelf each out which is like books oh yeah no no curse words okay uh but there's but arabic curse words are so intense like one of them means your mom's a whore and i fucked her in her pussy like they're so specific that one is kesemek kesemek that is a lot of information isn't it for kesemek yeah yeah yeah they're crazy do you remember your turkish swears i know two what have you got i don't know what shit like shit and crap it's like the same thing is bach bach bach and then like bastard is peach as in like the fruit a peach yeah peach fruit and then to like flips either flip the bird is uh is that a thumb

through your nose yeah i've got your nose bread what you just said what's the big long one again no i didn't i said restaurants and just see what happens we uh we used to play this game with this welsh guy at my drama school where we would all just speak jimberish at him and then he would stop us when we accidentally said a welsh word i don't think it'd take that long eight seconds yeah really yeah hello Hello. Hello. It's just hello. You just put the accent on. You just put the accent on. Hello, baby. Hello. Hello.

Sit, how are you? Oh, what's a microwave? It's pingity. Popty ping. Popty ping. Come on, that's adorable. The best one was always like to play squash because squash is spunking.

No. So that was a fun one. Have you been abused? We're going to play squash. We're going to go round here. We're going to have a game of Spunkin'. No, you don't need your racket. English people call it Squash.

I'll tell you what, it's Squash. Can't get a bastard out of the kitchen. It's a peach, by the way. I got it. Spunkin'. Spunkin'. Spunkin'. Spunkin'. So are you a Welsh speaker? A little bit. I did it in school. Sponken Sponken Sponken Sponken yeah

so are you a Welsh speaker a little bit I did it in school but not fluent have you got a do at GCSE yeah I got an A at GCSE I could

I could do it I could understand better than I can speak or write but yeah it's not fluent I can say one sentence

go on in Welsh or Arabic in Welsh uh Dwi'n Gary no Dwi'n Carrie Ducoc where's Gary in his car I can say one sentence. Go on. In Welsh or Arabic? In Welsh. Dwi'n gery du... No, dwi'n gery du cock. Where's Gary in his cock? She loves cock. I love cock.

I dated a Welsh guy. He told me one sentence and that was it. You dated a Welsh guy and the only sentence he thought you'd is, I love cock. You know, for when I met his parents, yeah. She's a lovely girl. She loves squash. Happy birthday. Pwembly hapus. Pwembly hapus. Okay. she's a lovely girl she loves squash happy birthday Pembley Happis

Pembley Happis okay yeah how long have you been in the UK uh 11 uh

2012 I got here that was a big jump from 11 11 years did you come to do stand-up or were you came to do

I went to drama school here okay cool yeah yeah yeah didn't start stand-up till I was 30 i was too scared which drama school did you go to lambda lambda darling that's the good one isn't it it was good it was good back in the day now they've yeah yeah yeah it was all right i mean no one from my class works um one guy was the villain in the new the new 24 series the one that came out a couple years ago he was like the main bad guy but you were in the batman shot in liverpool weren't you played a sex worker got paid less than an actual sex worker yeah

how what happened there it was so weird i did my my first edinburgh hour and i impersonate my mom a lot in the show like i do stories about my mom and they needed a sex worker who was from new york in this movie and they'd come and seen the show the casting director had seen my show and they were like you know that accent you do is your mom she'd be perfect as this prostitute so i went in and i got the part just by impersonating my mom you So you played your mom as a prostitute in Black Man? Yeah. Can we have an example of this voice? You know, she just talks like this. She's like, hi, everybody.

How's it going? I'm Mary. Nice to meet you. I just did that in the movie. That's sexy, I think. How the fuck is a director going, prostitute? So that's how your mom speaks. And did you say your mom is the Irish? Irish-Italian, yeah.

Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Mary, my parents' names are Mary and Joseph. They're so Catholic, it's crazy. Isn't that nuts? Yeah, they're the most Catholic people I know, and that's their name. Are you religious?

No. No, have you never been? I was super religious when I was a kid. And then I think like 15, 16. Like most people, I think think who grew up religious, you start questioning stuff. Yeah. But they're still religious.

Really religious. Did you have to like come out to them? They just don't want to hear it. They think I'm still probably religious. Right. They were really happy when I married an Irish Catholic guy. He's not religious either. Because one brother,

my sister-in-law, one sister-in-law's jewish and the other one's uh protestant so they were really happy when oh so you're the best of the three yeah yeah yeah it's amazing having a jewish sister-in-law because she comes to all like our like christmas or things like that she'll come to church with us and she's like what is this religion it's so violent to her because she doesn't have jesus so she'll see like a man hanging from a cross with like blood coming down and that's just in front of everyone at every single church and there's so much in catholic um anyone else catholic here i was raised catholic

raised catholic but we all chose to recovering catholics yeah but there's so much in catholicism that's like and we shall be saved by being bathed in the blood of christ and she was like what is this religion it's so crazy to me cult isn't it is she from new york she's from arkansas because adam can do a new york jewish accent go on i think we could have role played what i'm realizing now is he can do a jewish uh sorry a new york sex worker. If a Batman Casper does that actually, isn't it? It's really good.

Can you do it? What sentence? This is going to be like being at home. I don't know. Janine, you've left your socks on the London.

Perfect. Clear the deck. It's like she's in the room with me now. No, that was just me. I know, I know, I know.

She sounds like Scouse. Janine, you've left the socks on the landing. But why is that specifically Jewish, though? Oh, I don't say it's Jewish. I just like old New York lady. It's a good New York accent. It is, yeah.

You've left your socks on the landing. It's Estelle, isn't it? Yeah, it's Estelle, yeah. Yeah. That's exactly who it is. Yeah. And then there's like, obviously italian american this is gonna offend you he went to lambda as well i don't know if you can tell oh what am i not italian What am I, not Italian? Go on, I'm walking here.

No, that's just too hackenick in here sometimes. All right, don't get your socks off the landing. Oh, do you mean get your socks off the landing? Move them. That's pretty good. It's better than my scouse. Go on. All I can say from listening to your podcast,

because you say this word all the time, is coch. Do I say coch? The episode I listened to on the the way here you said it so many times it was crazy that's only quite welsh though that means red come on let's go play red squash yeah come on let's go play red squash seen a lot of reddit squash spunk and cock it'd be cock spunk cock spunk actually you bastard was drama school as hard as everyone made out when I was at college

everyone was like it's nine till six and you yeah it was like nine to nine but it was fine but you're just playing make believe and everybody's making out with each other all the time it was great oh yeah so just a big fuck fest yeah i guess so yeah but uni is isn't it like university drama school is a different level because like you're like rolling around on the ground wearing like late you know spandex clothes it's so weird i imagine it's a very ego heavy as. Everyone thinks they're the best.

No, my drama school was really good. I don't know if it was just my year, but everyone was really chilled out and cool. And the motto of the drama school was the ensemble. So it wasn't about like being a star. It was about like all working together to make the show good. And then none of us got hired as actors afterwards.

We had a good time rolling around. I understand what you mean about like it being even harder as an actor because i watched the tiktok the other day and it was uh there's this improv dance class in london right five rhythms i'm not sure okay so like there's like 30 people and like the woman who runs the class will go, Dan and Janine, and play a song. And you two, having never danced together before, have got to dance to it

and make it fucking work. And I fell in love with both of the people. Why? Because they were just incredible. Genuinely, I was like... I say I fell in love with both of them. I fell in love with the woman and I wanted the man dead because I was like, he's dancing with my the woman and I wanted the man dead because I was like,

he's dancing with my missus. That feels like your love, though. Because I did drama for a few weeks at uni and I left after, like, maybe the second day and then I just didn't go back for a few weeks. Why? What happened? Why was it just not feeling it? Did they make you play squash? The first day, we all walked in and the the the lecturer went right everyone take your shoes off

right get in a circle okay close your eyes hold hands we are now a tree i went no this isn't for me and i was done they were like we are now a tree what did you expect i just yeah if i went to drama school they were doing all that shit i'd leave straight so i'd be like give me a fucking soliloquy and watch me work every every drama professor feels like they're just half a lager away from sexually assaulting someone and barely even that yeah they're very like let's so let's do this we had a teacher who was like i think she was a voice teacher but we had to go around this was insane we had to go nose to nose to each other and say i have a body and it is expressive and then we would walk to the next person and say, I have a body and it is expressive.

And then we would walk to the next person nose to nose. I have a body and it is expressive over and over and over again. Like I, I couldn't keep a straight face in drama school. I think people thought I was a really bad student, but it's just, that's too funny. What, what does,

what's the benefits of this? It's breaking your down. I think they get a lot of money from a lot of desperate people. It's just a money making machine but so you're not like if you're in a role you're like oh this is weird you're like i've done weird shit this is fine i think you just pretend all that fucking theory shit's a load of rubbish just pretend to be someone else in it yeah but that's hacked in that's what i mean yeah all right okay yeah but i think you're dead right i didn't see anyone improve much if you were good at acting when you

came in you were good when you left i think it's just a money making machine i wouldn't see anyone improve much if you were good at acting when you came in you were good when you left i think it's just a money-making machine i wouldn't if anyone's listening and thinking about going to drama school i wouldn't go just go to the gym and go to a therapist and you'll be fine how much of a relief is is stand-up though when you've got used to i i didn't go to uni but i did loads of drama groups and then did a level theater when you find stand-up and you go oh my god i get to write the script and i don't have to rely on anyone no one's fucking up their lines i'm being in plays just looking at someone going oh how thick are you mate you're fucking up a scene and then in stand-up you're like and people like oh god i don't know how you do it it must be so nerve-wracking you're like yeah but at least it's

all on me like when it goes if it goes wrong you're like i wrote everything but at least i'm in control of that i can stop it being shit you don like i wrote everything but at least i'm in control of that i can stop it being shit you don't have to rely on anyone else yeah yeah it's such a fucking relief just turning up no rehearsals every gig is its own thing oh it's beautiful compared to it's so much better you're completely right yeah yeah how long after drama did you start stand-up so i graduated when i was 26 maybe and four years. So I was trying to be an actor for four years. And then I was barreling towards 30. And I just thought I've always wanted to try it.

I was always too afraid. So I just thought I'll just do it. So I booked in at the comedy school and did like a six-week course, which was, oh, my God, run by a teacher who was like a failed comic who hated everyone in the class and hated himself. I know him. run by a teacher who was like a failed comic who hated everyone in the class and hated himself and uh yeah you just like work every week bringing in jokes and at the end you have a five minute set so that i could go and do open mics and i felt like a little safety net there yeah it didn't take you long to make a bit of a dent though because you got nominated for best newcomer

in edinburgh yeah you can't have been doing comedy long when that happened I think I think it was almost three years yeah so I did two years two years it was terrible I was really bad and it was awful and then that that final year I got like a good like club 10 minutes and that was good for competitions and stuff and then from there wrote wrote a show credit to Adam Brace who I'm naming my baby after who directed it and really like taught me everything yeah it was great you got who you knew but missed the idea talking about him because he passed away recently he's directed a lot of uh people stand-up shows people who've been he directs a lot of alfie shows alfie shows alfie was obviously very upset when that happened sarah keyworth he directed oh my god Sarah Keyworth the show he directed with Sarah Keyworth

was about her director who passed away yeah then she worked with Adam then he passed away so don't work with Sarah Keyworth Jesus Christ although I do know

a few directors I wouldn't mind sending her away but um yeah um yeah it was really good

I think it's time for a little break that was a nice little section lovely sorry if we're talking about death so much so instantly. No, we like to talk about everything. We've got pigs and troughs.

Yeah, we do everything. That's right. He's talking about it. We'll do all the Willie stuff in the next bit. Then I'll have some prep ready. Let's get some red. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break here, isn't it?

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online. All our socials. At Have A Word Pod. Give us a follow. If you see a video, like it and share it. It costs you nothing. It makes the world a difference to us, you know what I mean? Don't be sly. Share it, you fucking little... world a different source you know what I mean don't be a dick about it don't be sly share it you fucking live don't be a fucking rat that IBS really kicking in

irresistible back syndrome nice please do the now I feel like I want you to do the part four yeah of four

erm yeah Finn go on before you get going Janine's doing the Edinburgh Festival. Yes.

And you should go and buy tickets to see her. Especially if you're a midwife. Because she's full term at the Fringe. What's the name of the show? My God. Manoush. Manoush? It's my family's nickname for me.

It's an Arabic word. I thought you were about to say Manoush show's called this. Manoush show. What does Manouche mean? I thought it meant something nice. It just means pizza. So, I don't know.

I haven't written that part of the show yet. Get me a Manouche. Marie, where's the Manouche at? I think you're getting better at it. I think under pressure with a new yarker. You're making my dog cry. Am I home? Oh my God, there's an Italian man in here.

Oh my God. Charles Barkley, what are you doing? There's a dog over there, by the way. Yeah, it's not the former NBA star. And it's called Charles Barkley as well, yeah. The basketball player Charles Barkley has just been sitting quietly in the corner. Shout him over so we can get him shot.

Will he come up to you to be shouting? Come here, Charlie. Come on. So most people have dogs that are trained. Charlie's just like a guy who lives in my house. He responded to that call like he'd never met you before. I don't know who that lady is, but I'm not going anywhere near her. He couldn't come before because he wants to be out there trying to bum Wallace.

Oh, he loves sausage dogs. Yeah. Oh, he loves sausage. Yeah. Oh, it's Charles Barkley, ladies and gents. Hi. Everyone loves when there's puppies on pod. No, don't go.

I can't wait to get a dog. I'm going to get three. He looks cute, but he fucks. He's so horny. It's terrible. He's got a big willy as well. No, he does. It's huge.

Why are you looking at my dog's dick, man? You showed me. I did send you those videos. I'm glad you got the email. You got a big knob, Charlie. Oh, you responded to that? Fucking right, mate. His master's voice, nothing.

I've got a big dick. You know I've got a big dick. Charlie knows how to fuck. He gets these long-lasting... I mean, we're just talking about pregnancy, but he gets these long-lasting erections that are actually quite dangerous. I Googled it. He'll have an erection that this might happen to Wallace because he's not a new dude.

It might happen to you. But they'll last for like six hours. And so I Googled it. It's actually really dangerous. Your dog can suffer something called penis death where they have to have their penis amputated i haven't done this for a guest for a while but if you're making this up i'm sorry google it yeah it's uh it's like phyllis phyllis or something like that so he's not trying to hump wallace he's trying to save his own life yeah well the article that i read called it penis death and

i realized that that article sounds like it's written by a dog but i'm pretty sure you have to make a paste out of sugar and water and put that on the penis because the sugar acts like a vasoconstrictor and makes the penis go back inside are you sure this wasn't just invite somebody likes wanking off dogs well i've been doing it a lot you've been putting jug of water on his cock tastes better

than that yeah definitely wanking him off would be way easier that was just disgusting have you ever

done it stop talking about me knob mum stop telling him what you do no wonder

he won't come to you he's like someone help me out Stop talking about me knob, mum. Stop telling him what you do. No wonder he won't come to you. He's like, someone help me out. Tell us about the squash we play, mum. Oh my God. Shall we do some underrated, overrated? Yeah. I want to learn about penis death.

Go on. Right, okay. Underrated, overrated. Underrated, overrated. They hit you hard for real trouble. Penis death. Underrated, overrated. Very simple section this, Janine.

He's going to read something out and you're going to tell us whether it's underrated or overrated and we're going to join in. Okay. Okay, this first one is from Kirstie and that is splitting the bill on a date. Rated.

I don't know if it's under or overrated. I would just rate it. I think you should do that. Okay. Have you always done it. I think you should do that. Okay. Have you always done it? Yeah. Except for one time when this guy with a snaggle tooth, I was sure he was going to date rape me.

So I just kept going up and buying all the drinks from the bar because I didn't want him to touch the drinks. And so basically I just paid for everything and then I left. So I think he probably thought like, that was so weird. That girl just spent like- I've got so many questions about this. Right, okay.

So you're on a date with a man, you are certain, that's your word, that he was about to date rape you. He had a real rapey vibe. That's okay, you didn't believe him? I absolutely believe you. But at that point you didn't go, do you know what, I'm going to leave.

You were like, more drinks, but I'm buying them. I had ordered some French onion soup, so I was waiting for the soup to come, and it took ages. So, yeah. I ordered the soup before he got there, thinking it would come quickly. It's just important that you know,

just to paint a picture, that there was something not right in his mouth what was he doing that gave off the rapey vibes i don't know just either too much or too little eye contact i'm not sure which one it was but it was blind it was just it was just you just get a vibe when you're a woman i think and it was just wasn't right. So I'm waiting for that effing soup. I must've spent like 60 quid on drinks for us and then just left. Did you ask for the soup during this time?

No, before he came, I ordered the soup thinking it would come. I got there a little early. Wait a minute. You come to a first date with someone and before they arrive, I might just get myself a drink. Oh, actually, I'm going to get a soup while I wait.

Do you know if I've ever been to a first date with a girl and she was not only there before me, but sat there alone eating French onion soup? With 60 pounds worth of cocktails as well. The fuck are you playing at? He thought you were the fucking week of the life. I know, I know, yeah. He tells stories about you.

I was on a date with this girl. She kept talking. She fucking drank a lot. I think she was embarrassed about how much she drank because she kept going back and forth. Whenever I arrived, she had a French onion soup. We weren't even eating. So intimidating, I couldn't even look at her.

Yeah, you've solved that story your side very heavily I think it's overrated you know why because I think it's the modern thing is to say of course you split the bill

and that's what everyone will say is the right thing to do but really there is still an emphasis on the bloke to pay the bill I think

I'm with 50 cents on this 50 cents says first of all it's 50 cents well when you're in the club i really want to know what 50 cent has to say about this he says the person whose idea the date was should pay the person who invited you on the day yeah so if a girl asks a man on a date, you know, she should pay. When she says date night and she organises it, she pays. Yeah. And then if it's mine, I can't go get your card off. I've booked like fucking, I don't know, Brazil or something.

I've booked Brazil. We're going to half. I can kind of understand that because it would be very unfair to ask someone to split the bill when you've organised like a very expensive date that they can't afford So Fiddy's got it nailed The next one from Ryan and that is just box standard gravy

Gravy's fantastic. Yeah, it's so great. Yeah, it's great. I think it's probably underrated I think some people who think it's shite and they're stupid. I always ask for extra gravy on a Sunday roast. It's the best thing. Can I have a Sunday roast, extra roast potatoes, extra gravy? I like my Sunday roast as wet as a French onion soup. So Dan has never in his life had gravy. I love gravy. I feed it to my snakes.

I drink root beer and orange juice. He's never had gravy? Or eggs or baked beans. Janine, can I just ask you a quick question? How old are you? Sorry, just before we carry on, because we will come back to his food stuff. I've just got an important question to ask you.

I want you to look at Dan. Right. Just have a good look at him. And if he was going to own an exotic animal, what animal do you think he would suit? He would be a good dad to? Like what kind of animal do you think he would have? Watch the hands.

Well, like this makes me think like a Britney Spears sort of anaconda. I think the hands help there. And the fact that I already said snake. Do you have a snake? I'm getting one. You're getting a snake? I'm getting a snake

do you listen to Slipknot? yeah loads and I love gravy this is me it's my life now are you really getting a snake? I get harassed by scousers and I'm gonna get

someone's gonna buy me a snake and it's probably him do you know he starts every morning with a root beer float with a frozen yogurt in it this is terrible and he says I had Orangina

yeah he's never had an egg or gravy or beans. That's actually true. Is it the texture of it you don't like? I just... He's never had it to know the texture. But you can see something. What is it? I don't trust the texture. I just don't trust the visual

on it. The smell? It's a visual thing. You should go to that restaurant where they serve you, where it's pitch black and they serve you and you just have to eat what they give you. Honestly. That would be a good Patreon. That is a torture.

That is honestly, you're all described. I would rather own a snake than go to that restaurant and I fucking hate snakes. Do you know what? I wouldn't have said snake if you hadn't done that. I would have said like a ferret, like something cute. Thanks, mate. Actually, you give off real just dog vibes,

but I know it's not the exotic animal. He hates dogs. That's not what he wanted. I really don't. I just don't own a dog. He loves dogs. He hates dogs. I love snakes.

Oh, I nearly did something there. Go on. No, it's just going to have to be cut out. I never owned a dog. I've never owned a dog. Yeah, because you ate them. You're not allowed to. You're not on the list.

But I've also never given one back. You owned a dog yeah because you ate them you're not allowed to you're on a list but i've also never given one back uh nobody did you give a dog back yeah whoa what happened she made a very bad decision on getting a dog and literally two days later was like this is such a fucking stupid thing to do was it a rescue no so I gave it back to the person. Gave back a puppy? Gave it back to the horrible place. I gave a puppy back? Gave it back to the person who was selling puppies. No, she said, is it a rescue? Yeah, no, I didn't take it. I didn't get a dog from a rescue center. I go, do you know what?

No, fuck off. I've never done that. No, but sometimes people do that because those dogs can have like behavioral problems, but a puppy. It was just, I knew I'd made a mistake and I was like, the longer I let the mistake run, the worse it gets.

So just give it back to the people who were selling puppies to nice homes and did they give you your money back not all of it now yeah how much did they it was a good deal for them he basically looked after it for two days he paid him a lot of money he rents dogs which sounds worse than it is what kind of dog was it it was a beagle are you really going again? Is that, like, is it? I am going to get a dog. It's a better time to do it now, but also.

Are you going house? We're going to get a house first. Yeah, have a garden. And a helicopter. Have a garden, yeah. Helicopter you want to get? What kind of,

what kind of life is a dog going to have if it hasn't got a helicopter owner? You know what I mean? It's going to be shit. Yeah, I'm going to buy a house and then buy two dogs. Yeah, that's nice. Wow, you're doubling down. Yeah, I'm going to buy a house and then buy two dogs.

Wow, you're doubling down. Yeah. I'm going to get two puppies over this. Two is as hard as one dogs. I know. Puppies. They kind of entertain each other, don't they? Are you going to get another dog? Am I getting an Italian greyhound?

Wow, what a difference. Yeah. They're lazy. We like lazy. Greyhounds, they're so fast. No, Italian greyhound. Oh, Italian, yeah. Very lazy. Fucking lazy. Fucking lazy. Not one of them hard-working greyhounds they're so fast no Italian greyhound oh Italian yeah very lazy

fucking lazy fucking lazy one of them hard working greyhounds a greyhound is like maybe what two feet off the floor this is like

as tall not much taller than him no a tiny little oh I've seen those in the dog park they're very cute they're tiny really like

whenever I wash my dog Charlie he looks like a little greyhound because he's so skinny underneath all that fluff yeah that's the like they're just really small very lazy really like um soft why wouldn't you get another sausage dog um no he's special so no one's gonna be better than him so let's get a different

one they say to get a boy and a girl dog though they say it's better to he would be fucking yeah can't do that yeah yeah yeah he's fucking anyway and Charles Barkley's a boy. Yeah, he loves, no, he's getting fucked. He's so bad round girl though because he's like, let's go. You need some sugar paste and then wank him off.

So is gravy under or overrated? Underrated, love it. Love gravy. Gravy is one of the best liquids in the world. Oh, 100%. I reckon it's near water if i get yeah totally if i get lost in the desert i hope i find gravy you think of many better liquids than gravy yeah it's top five fizzy gravy let's get it in the top five give me a fucking break what's the

what's the weirdest thing that you won't eat the most plain thing that people think is normal that bread no type of hard-boiled egg. Do you know how often until Christmas last year he didn't eat roast potatoes? It's the worst type of potato. It's the best type of potato. Apart from the other ones I don't like. Mashed potato. You got a mash? Mashed potato's delicious.

No one calls it mashed potato. Mashed potatoes. You got a mash? Can I have bangers with mashed potatoes? potatoes mashed potatoes can i have bangers mashed potatoes right oh no the dogs are no i think jack's arrived that's the

noisy mix right last underrated overrated this from nathan bradley he says botox and or cosmetic work get it done. Underrated. Do it.

Go for it. Do it. Have you got Botox? I've had it done. Yeah? Oh, you look good though. You don't look like... You can't have it

when you're pregnant. But that's the thing is you only notice the cosmetic surgery on someone You can't get Botox on your head when you're pregnant.

Can't get... They don't really know. It's nowhere near the baby, is it? It goes in your bloodstream, I think. That's not how that works. I can have i can have heroin my arms here i had it done when i did the batman movie and there's a part in the movie where like batman mistakes me for catwoman from behind so he

has to like tap me and i turn around and the director was like you're really scared like girls at the club are being shot every day your friend is missing when you're startled when you turn around. So I thought I was turning around and going like, oh my God. But because I'd had Botox, I was just turning around just gormless. Like he kept coming up to me and saying like, we need a little more. And I'm like, God, he really wants me to overact. And then I saw it back in the cinema and it just zooms in on my just like dead face for 30 seconds.

Apparently some men get Botox in their balls now. Because they don't want wrinkly balls. I don't mind, don't I? What? I love it. On me. What's Batman like? She's met him. Apparently someone, you know, they get him in the balls yeah i'm not asked what's batman like

she's met him what happened was it robert patterson yeah no i've not watched i've not watched it yet she's met she's met no he is all right boys love batman you love batman yeah batman's the best yeah i don't he He's the best hero. Batman is the best. He loves Twilight as well. He's a big Robert Patterson fan. And the Goblet of Fire. Oh yeah? Cedric.

Cedric Diggory. Cedric Dead, isn't he? People, I think men love Batman. I think it's because, but I, there's no, all the other comic characters are funny. I mean, apart from Superman.

Maybe all the Marvel ones are funny, but Batman's so serious, it's a drama. Yeah, he's sick. They're, apart from Superman. Maybe all the Marvel ones are funny. But Batman's so serious it's a drama. Yeah, he's sick. They're always better films, though. He just batters people. Do you think? Yeah.

The one you were in was great. I like a bit of humour with him. No, he's what every boy wants to be. He's just super rich. He's a dead-ass billionaire. Yeah.

Loves leather. Yeah. All the other billionaires are gimps. Oh, Janine. There's costumes. Oh, my God. Elon Musk's better than nobody, is he? I thought you said Elon Musk yeah all the other billionaires oh Janine oh my god Elon Musk's better than nobody is he

I thought you were going to say Elon Musk is Batman they're in a fight though aren't they him and Zuckerberg are having a fight they want to do a cage fight have you seen this oh my god that would be the shittest Dana White's commission yeah he's organising it it's going to be a hundred dollar

pay per view and it's all going to charity. My money's on Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg will batten him. He does Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. He's just got those dead shark eyes. I'm like, I wouldn't trust that man. Oh no.

I've watched it like fucking two months. When are they doing it? It's going to be awful. What the fuck? I can't wait. It's expensive. I'm going to donate the money to. Okay. Now they just give some money to charity between them and just don't do it yeah they're worth oh i want to see them i want to see they're worth like 300 billion combined

more is that what he's just doing zuckerberg's like i am so loaded that he's he's got ju jujitsu instructors on his staff they're not jewish he's got ju jujitsu Oh my god Wait a minute, Kimora Use your weight against him Yeah, mash that one in Again Botox, overrated I think it's overrated Overrated, you look like a fucking Barnes victim

I'd say there are more people who've had Botox that you haven't noticed that and you think that they look good you only notice it

when it goes bad yeah the girl at Nando's is quite something it goes bad off but that's filler what you're doing that's lip filler

oh sorry I thought that was Botox is just it stops you from expressing yeah oh I'm too expressive i might get botox do you know it's crazy you put it in it takes two weeks for it to work so slowly over two weeks you start losing muscle function wherever they've put it uh and it you it's a it's a dead form of botulism that's why it's called botox oh yeah the bubonic plague is that what botulism is i know botulism is a thing you it's a naughty thing that you can die from no

oh yeah maybe i don't know whatever the bubonic plague was a rare but serious illness caused by a toxin that attacks the body's nerves yes sounds like the black death so it's bad but it's people but they use like a a non-active version of it oh yeah so just to just like it's bad, but people are using it for good. But they use like a non-active version of it. Oh, yeah. So just to, it's the black death put into your face. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say overrated. I'm all right.

I'm all right. We've got some advice. Oh, have we? People ask us for advice, Sinead. Why? Because we've just got our shit together, you know? Mainly about pregnancy. Because he's an expert.

He knows. I'm an expert on a lot of things. Right, this is from an anonymous lady. All right, lids, how are you? A bit of advice needed. I met a guy at a festival recently, and he managed to find me on Instagram and message me afterwards.

Fast forward a couple of weeks of talking, we met up for some drinks and activities. My issue is I currently still don't know his name. I have a vague idea, but my memory of the festival is somewhat muddled, so I can't be sure. My question is,

how, after three weeks of knowing the lad, do I subtly find out his name? I've done all the appropriate stalking online with no result and feel like it's definitely been too long now to fess up. How did he first get in contact with her? Instagram.

And his name's not on his Instagram? Some people aren't, aren't they? They've got like weird names on it. Yeah, that's a red flag, isn't it? That's like soup level red flag. Steal his post. Go to his house and just look at his post. Fine, we can change it.

How do you cope with not knowing someone's name after you've met them a few times? I'm rude enough to ask. Not rude, but I'm like, do you know what I'm saying? I'd like i'd just be like oh sorry what's your name again yeah no i'd either ignore them completely and pretend they don't exist or book as a holiday together and ask for a picture of the passport because i'm dealing with ryan and then dump him on the last day you go i dumped a girl on the last day of holiday i don't think i did i just sort of wait can you no I want you two to do it

be the people and you see if Adam's getting dumped this is what happens so I will play Dan's ex ex-partner so

Dan's ex-lover no she always wore a cap backwards yeah yeah she was a skater god it's like been with her

all these years later no she's holding two drinks from the bar there, isn't she? Oh, God, yeah. Thanks, babe. Love her to the better. This is what he did on the last day of a holiday. You're in Spain. Isn't it lovely over here?

Yeah, it's all right. Sunshine and life's never been better. God, you fucked me good last night. Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't come like that in weeks. Five inches. You're looking at the sun.

I don't trust you. There's not enough eye contact. Yeah, it's been a really nice holiday. Trying to fuck on the plane. Before we get there, can I ask you a question, Faye? Yeah. Am I the one oh you've got

shite on you I have done some coke that's why I'm feeling confident enough to ask this question tastes like tit should we get some pets when we get home

I think we're ready for pets right what do you see me owning you know we've been going out for two years Faye and this is 2005 what animals do you see me owning you look like a snake man to me

fuck off love get out I basically went do you think I'm the one and then said and she went I don't know do you think I'm the one and I was like nah two years in why did you ask it

two years in oh no she's a really nice person that might have the internet and this is a public episode Janine and we say awful things on here but this has got me nervous I don't know

that's bad isn't it that's a dumb pen isn't it because I wasn't feeling it. Did you really say nah like that? Yeah. Whoa. It was similar. I was like, no.

And then we got a taxi to the airport and we flew home and she was, I'd say, to sum it up, annoyed. It's pretty eggy. Bad move, wasn't it? So you just sat next to her on the plane? Yes.

Wow. Did you clap when you landed yeah it's finally done that's why you're not the one you don't clap when you land paid for extra leg room you'd had a terrible time on the holiday I guess no it was good I quite enjoyed it

and that was it you parted ways that was the end of that we got back together a year later Shag him and check his letters Yeah Go to his and go can I come to yours and play Scrabble And then go oh John Just ask

What nicknames did people have for you as a kid And then just call him that Yeah This is me fella, bingo What's his real name It's going to be really awkward if you never find out his real name and then he meets your parents you're like mom dad this is bingo also known as shagga my mom was engaged to my dad when she found out what his real name was and it was only because so he's whoa yeah his nickname was jaco because he was he played sports and she just thought it was an arabic name she

thought his name was jaco or something like that and then one day his mom called after they were engaged called my mom's house and was like is joseph there and she was like no there's no joseph here and she just kept calling back and eventually my dad heard the phone call and was like i'm joseph they were married a month later how long have they been together like a year and a half probably yeah choco they were engaged I'm choco

right I have a word to round us off oh let's close on the old classico it's been a fun one so people just have a

wind and we try and fix it for them. Something. Is this them or someone else? What? Go on. Do you have a word with them or someone for them?

This is, no, someone, but they're having a go at someone. So this is from Matthew Graham. Hey lads, I need you to have a word with my mate Tom. Basically, Tom got a dog around six months ago and since then has talked

about nothing else. When we're out together, he hogs the conversation, banging on about his Labradoodle. It's not even a cool dog. He's even got to the point that he's telling me that having a puppy is much more difficult than raising a kid. It is. Can you have a word with him and tell him that having a dog

is nowhere near as tough as having kids and that being a dog dad can't be his whole personality? Cheers. You can. This fella who's written in is a fucking prick. Sounds be his whole personality. Cheers. You can. This fellow who's written in is a fucking prick. Sounds like he likes snakes. Yeah. What's this, you?

I bet he's never... I bet he wrote this. Are you writing in again? I know as well. I know that someone's going to do a graphic with me and snakes. I just... So before you got here, he had a go at me

a couple of times and I got my back up and the snake thing and it's not like once in a while I get in the mood and I was like don't be in the mood

don't be in the mood and for some reason I couldn't help it and he's like a fucking shark that can smell blood in the water and I was like lad are you upset

because you because you own snakes you can't hide anything you wear it everything on your face I've got no snake face no you've got an like you've got a smile you go Are you upset about that? Because you own snakes. You can't hide anything. I've got no snake face. No, you've got a smile. You go, and we know we've got it. That's it.

You've resigned yourself to the fact that someone's going to Photoshop something. Can you just pose for it and just get it over with? Move the mic out of the way. I think they're going to photoshop something else they're going to photoshop something totally different well enjoy that so raising a dog is harder than raising a baby

I don't think I'm going to ever have to put a sugar paste on my baby's dick and I hope you hope not I hope I don't have to because it's just something I share with Charlie dogs can't speak English exactly fact I hope I don't have to. Yeah. Because it's just something I share with Charlie. Dogs can't speak English. Exactly.

Fact. My dog just shit in the room. Babies can't. Neither can babies. Just to let you know, babies can't speak English. All right. Dogs can't learn English. No, you're right.

Now you're right. But if you have a kid and he comes out and goes, all right, dad, what's up? What's happening? Fucking hell. Just came out of that fanny. Sideways though, because fucking, do you know what I mean? The fanny Sideways though Cause fuck him Do you know what I mean

The doc was like Nah man Come round I was like Fuck off Are you even a doctor That's possible you know Do you know

There's all like Mad things If they're listening to you Yeah You don't have the motor What's going on here Of course a baby can't talk What

Do you hear about That 40 year old Autistic fella If this isn't a joke It needs a punchline Do you hear about that 40 year old autistic fella? If this isn't a joke it needs a punchline because I swear to god you delivered that like one of the best pub gags ever. He was non-verbal autistic

you know where they can't talk. And then he was just 40 one day and just started having full blown conversations with the parrot. Yeah because they still take in and learn language. and then he was just 40 one day and just started having full-blown conversations with the parrot. Yeah, because they still take in and learn language. Yeah, so he could speak. He was just choosing not to.

But crucially, he wasn't a newborn baby. So less weird than a baby coming out of a vagina going, fucking hell, that was mad. I'm not even all out. Anyway. Smoking a cigarette. Are you going to parrot? Because I fancy a chat no i reckon

a baby could come out and i've heard like hey or like something like hello and it comes out and makes that noise so i've googled it the the record the world record is seven weeks old for a baby to say hello and be repeatedly saying hello there you go the death the air like are you not talking to your baby yeah i'm sorry seven Seven weeks and he's saying hello? It's an Irish baby called Killian McCann. They love to talk. My husband never shuts up. That is Irish people trying to con people.

I attacked a one. Ten pounds. Jesus, man. That baby's talking to me. I swear he's talking to me. Come and see the talking baby. Come on. Line up.

Grab it. That's death all this it. That's terrible. He's literally stood next to me going, hello. Oh my God. Hello. It's the talking baby of Ballymore. In seven weeks. Are you not talking to your baby?

I am, yeah. Yeah, so it's listening, isn't it? Yeah, worryingly, it might be listening now. It's going to be a rough hour. Your baby's going to come out and go soup no soup

fucking hell Matt is that a pod isn't it that's a pod yeah that's dad you can't follow

soup Janine what have you got coming up and where can everyone find you on the internet I am doing

the Edinburgh Fringe at eight and a half to nine months pregnant maybe yeah or postpartum we'll see I'm doing the month

and then you can find me on I don't know my Instagram handle I think it's just Janine Hironi okay I'll have a look for you

be on the screen I will find it don't worry yeah yeah but there's audio listeners as well isn't there or TikTok I think it's Janine H I will find it, don't worry. Yeah, but there's audio listeners as well, isn't there? Or TikTok. I think it's Janine Haroni Comedy.

It's in the audio description every week. And what's your website? www.janineharoni.com And tickets available there. And you've got a special out on? Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. And I'm touring next year.

Lovely. I think starting in January. Go follow her everywhere. She's absolutely brilliant. First work together at that stand-up sketch show gig. Opened for me in London last everywhere. She's absolutely brilliant. First work together at that time the Sketch Show gig opened for me in London

last year. That's right, yeah. Took you a year and a half to pay me but Yeah, I forgot. That's quick. That is quick. Oh God.

You're one of his favourites. I actually haven't been paid from that show yet because I have an invoice for it. What are you doing? I've just hired a PA to get it all done. Yeah, you need it.

what are you doing i've just hired a pi yeah you need you need it yeah gives me like a vicarious anxiety oh god um adam's on tour i just feel about this it's the smile it's the face again adam's on tour go and's the face again. Adam's on tour. Go and see Adam from October, and you're also in Europe. Yeah, Glasgow's nearly sold out now in the pavilion, so get on that. Oh, yeah, I've just added Glasgow as well.

Sorry, go on. What are you doing in Glasgow? I'm doing the Glasgow Glee, and we're adding a second date. Good fucking... Love it. Two Glasgow's. Sorry, go on.

Lovely. That's all. Dublin and Glasgow for us. I think Dublin's done, isn't it? By the time this goes out. Now it'll be when this goes out. Is it off? Yeah.

Haveawordlive.com. We've got Dublin on Thursday, the 6th of July. And on Saturday, the 15th of July, we're ending this podcast live tour in Glasgow. Finn. Yes. You sing sometimes, don't you, love? I do.

It's you again. It is me again. Could we allow that? Yes. It's my section. It's just me from now on. So it's my song. It's the title track

from my EP that's been out for a couple of weeks. It's called Do You Know? Check it out. Next week, put Nashville on. Next week, we've got another one,

but the week after we could put Nashville on. It's your best one, though. Janine, it's been an absolute pleasure good luck with the bebe thank you it's been my pleasure thanks for having me Charles Barkley's Duke all at once

there was no time drunken dream look on my eye Drifting in, drifting out Sounds so good what it's all about You know who you are You know who you are Take a breath

Let it change And deep down It's never gonna be the same But it's okay, okay, okay, okay to hold on. But it's okay, okay, okay, okay to hold on. Do you know who you are? Do you know who you are? Do you know who you are? So the light shines within the shadows

I can't run from you Through the dawn break, through the upshake What am I meant to do? I know nothing else Comfortable in the thing Living in someone else's dream Checking out Let it go

Oh sometimes Here's the engine, oh You know who you are You know who you are Thank you. Comfortable and clean living someone else's dream See the light shine in the shadows I can't run from you In the dawn rain through the upshake What am I meant to do? I know nothing else Comfortable and clean living someone else's dream I know nothing else. Comfortable and clean.

Living someone else's dream. Thank you.