Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #232 with Brennan Reece & Steve Bugeja - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 9, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastBrennan Reecehttps://instagram.com/brennanreecehttps://twitter.com/brennanreeceSteve Bugejahttps://twitter.com/stevebugejahttps://instagram.com/stevebugejacomedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this episode of the Have A Word Podcast. How are you, lads? We've got some stuff to tell you about. Before we tell you anything, we're live in Dublin. A live podcast in Dublin, Thursday, the 6th of July. We've got some guests for you. Do you want to know who's on? Why don't you tell them who's on, Dan, or do you want me to tell them? What way do you want to do this?

I'll do one, you do the other. Okay. With my first pick, I'm going Darren Conway. Darren Conway, local legend to the Dublin area. Irish hero, a man of the people. And he's going to be joining us for the podcast section in Dublin. Also joining us for the podcast section and doing a little bit of stand-up is local legend Willa White.

I met this lad in January when I was over at the Laughter Lounge. He's absolutely fucking brilliant. And we're very, very, very excited to have both of them. Haveawordlive.com That's where you get your tickets for the live shows. We're very excited. Glasgow's nearly sold out. Dublin, there's a couple of hundred tickets left and now that these two guests have been announced

they're going to go quickly. Go to haveawordlive.com and book your tickets now. Also, we've got the biggest patron in the UK. One of the biggest in the world. Do you know why? Because it's the best and it's value. If you love Have A Word, sign up to patreon.com slash haveawordpod for as little as £3 a month.

You get some good shit, Adam. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode exclusive to Patreon every single week. And you get access to the entire backcast log, not just of those Patreon-exclusive episodes, but the Patreon specials, every lock-in we've ever done.

Nashville, the Amsterdam special, the ghost hunts. There's so many things there. There's hundreds of hours of content, and you get it all for three quid. Go and sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod now and see why we are the best Patreon in the world, pound for pound. You know it, baby. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. That, that was just what I thought. How are we starting the episode? Were you going? I thought it was a fly. What's that? Oh God. Welcome to the Hoverware podcast. Adam is dead. Long live Brennan. I'm back baby. And by dead, I mean he's holidaying in Italy. He's going on so many holidays.

Oh, we're going to hear all about that for fucking ages. What? He's hurt himself in Italy. He's hurt himself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carl's actually flown out to look after him. That's how close they are. So we just had to do the episode without Carl.

Yeah. Because he just, as soon as he knows Adam's hurt, that's the kind of friendship they've got. He's got a mother's instinct, doesn't he? I think it's more a lover's instinct. Oh, is it? It's like a mother lover, you know? Mother lover?

A motherfucker. He's got the instinct of a motherfucker. I can say that with some authority. They do look like Italian brothers. Like if you saw him over there. No way. Carl looks Italian. Adam looks like he's swam across from Albania.

Yeah, but you get to... Come on. There's two different types of Italian men, isn't there? There's like long ones and handsome ones like Carl. And then there's the ones that are there in the back like, you want a pizza? I work in the kitchen. Are you Mexican? Yes.

So, he's having a good time, isn't he? Yeah. With his lady lumps. Having a lovely time. Even't he? Yeah. With his lady lumps, having a lovely time. Even Laura got holiday envy. Really? That's when you know you're on a good holiday, when you put it online and then your mate's missus goes,

well, that looks really nice. Yeah, but Adam only shows the best bits. He's going to be moaning. He's going to be having cheese. He's going to be shitting himself. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's back from looking after Adam in Italy he's back from Italy is Adam alright?

is Adam alright? I know you've been to Italy to look after him because he's got a broken rib on him no I was on the phone to the kitchen people oh okay yeah that's the honest answer no it's not his ribs innit ribs was last time

he broke his ribs last time he twisted his ankle no he broke his ribs obviously and smashed his phone obviously Adam broke his ribs Adam smashed at least 12 of his ribs yeah

and I mean he recovered within three and a half weeks and it never bothered him again but he smashed his phone and that's going to take now his ankle's broken and he's lost a foot

in Italy but it's alright because he's on a lake, so he can still swim. Where is he? Lake Como at the moment. Dunham Alfie Coast. Goes to Milan tomorrow.

And he's going Milan. He's been Rome. He's going to hate Milan as well. I went to Milan in November and it's cobbly. Really? Well, if you've got a broken ankle. All right. I think actually, no, he's broke both his legs.

We've got an update. If you're going to Italy and not watching a football match, I think actually no he's broke both his legs we've got an update if you don't if you're going to Italy and not watching a football match I feel like I don't know I feel like you're missing out on something there

I'm going next month he gagged didn't he but he went earlier but football ain't on so you just have to go and watch like Sunday League like you know that's what they call it

yeah yeah yeah Sunday League is Serie L I'm a bit off I'm a bit thrown off here that I've sat down you've started I don't like it

well I can see a whole summer of this coming Carl you've got kitchen renovations in the Spanish quarter of Hayten and if we know something about Carl when work's being done and someone rings he has to answer

it's inconceivable mate do you think I'm missing out on something because well sorry lads just let's stop this podcast to 150,000 people. Yeah, all right, yeah. No, I'm going to need an extra three millimetres. I'm not talking about dance, dick.

I'm trying to buy work tops, Dan. How's it going, the work? Because it's a stressful time, isn't it? It's all outside. No, they haven't come in the house yet. You have an outside kitchen? No, I'm getting an extra. Getting an outside kitchen.

Oh, on the roof. Someone's doing fucking outside kitchen? No, I'm getting an extension. On the roof. Someone's doing fucking well. South facing, maybe I like that. South facing outside kitchen. I'm getting an extension done, so they're just doing all the outside work.

Haven't you lived there for about three minutes? Yeah. Are you getting an extension done? No, he's lived there two years. How long have you been there? Just over a year. Oh my God.

Ooh. I'm getting the loft done as well. That's not an outside kitchen. I don't like having money opposite of Adam no like I've got it but Celica goes yeah just spend that on this

so what are you getting a new kitchen I'm getting an extension so I'm making my house bigger and then I'm putting a new kitchen in it and a new dining room and shit yeah but why do you need a bigger kitchen is it small kitchen Brennan do you know that people get new kitchens and extensions? You're literally dealing with this like you've never heard of it. So right now, they're going to knock my kitchen down.

They're going to knock my kitchen down. There'll be no kitchen left. What are you going to do? Buy a new one. In the in-between bit, I mean. How are you meant in the interim? Literally, I take away people's houses and cook. I've got a couple

of houses that I've said I can go in and cook what is that Brian from down the street one of them's

my brother one of them's my mother so you weren't doing like door to door no and a couple

of friends who said yeah come round and do your washing and cooking stuff yeah you can help each other

out can I extend because obviously this is a time of need for you and I didn't realise that friends were reaching out you can come around to ours and get takeaway can i meet you halfway can i you know how much i want to come to yours so can you i nearly invited you on saturday and then the weather wasn't good and we need we need the kids

and the dog in the garden otherwise it's going to be brutal yeah can you invite us in please we're really excited to be talking we're actually talking about it on saturday i would absolutely love to have you at my house i've never met jack i've never seen his house it's you know what i mean he is too though and he can't talk so it's not like he's like no but he's fun daddy hang on what you're one of my best mates now which is just a fact has it ever yeah contractually yeah has it ever taken you 18 fucking blew up, you ain't coming around to it. Oh no, Carl's one of

the ones I'd keep in touch with. Is it? What about him one? What about that one? Oh yeah, Finn, he's like an adopted son. And let's, you know,

call it quits there. It's been too long for me to not see one of my best mates babies. That's all I'm saying. All right, cool. Well, we'll do the

great unveiling. That sounded creepy as fuck. I just want to see that child that can't tell anyone anything. I want to... I wanted to see him younger, but he'll do it too.

Yeah, he's getting fun at the moment. And now? He's starting to get fun. What is he now? Ginger. Yeah, he's still ginger. He's not growing out of that. He's really leaning into it.

Is he still Chinese? He's a little bit Japanese. Is he Japanese now? Oh, what the... Ginger. He's really leaning into it. Is he still Chinese? He's a little bit Japanese. Is he Japanese now? Oh, what the? Ginger. He speaks with an Asian accent. Daddy, daddy. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah. Full Asian. I mean, we're not raising him Asian. No. I know he gets it. He's not like, ah, it's for, hi. What is Asian? Hi.

I couldn't think of it. What's that? Asahi. What type of PG on? Wasabi. this is why a lot of the industry don't like us um no so he's just when he just started speaking it was a very japanese sound chinese sound i've got a video somewhere sounds like you're not giving this kid water shit yeah it was dehydrated he's just like please look at my ginger locks his first word was w for why why yeah he's he's he's, he's getting pretty fun. Bit of a daddy's boy as well. Yes.

I mean, until he wants his mum well more, but every toy is just copying, like, my toys now. I hope not. Not toys. Do you know what I mean? I hope not. He's got a lawnmower. Oh.

What do you think I meant? A bit like a... I bought you a flashlight for Christmas. Yeah, he hasn't got a... He has a flashlight for toddlers. My first flashlight. My first flashlight. It lights up.

She's got Peppa Pig's mouth like... Oh, no. It's illegal in many countries. He said that. That's his words. Yeah, yeah. That's horrible. Do you know what I ate?

I also got them babies who poo and cry. Like my baby Argon. country he said that that's his words yeah yeah that's horrible do you know what i ate i've got them babies who poo and cry like my baby the dolls the dolls so weird yeah yep this baby has a shite yeah the do i want it then right the ones that do all the bodily yeah no has she never been into that um she's got i don't know she's got one I think she might have one that cries but why would you want yeah you want the one that can't barely open its eyes you know when you

like flick it back and it goes they're really freaky old ones aren't they yeah yeah the ones where one of the eyelids goes and it's like

and it the Adam doll the Adam doll that was baby Adam yeah but she had a crying one she had a crying one but she's basically why would you buy your baby a thing that cries i give them what they want to a point

because how do they decide because like when we were kids do you remember when we were kids when we were kids it were different wasn't it but you'd like sit watching like carty network and then there'd be amazing adverts. And you go, I want that. Like what, how do kids now decide? Cause they don't watch telly. The, the, YouTube's pretty smart about adverts. They sort of realise that kids are watching,

you know, fucking Blippi die. What's Blippi? Oh, he's just an absolute orange and blue paedophile. Oh, I'd love him to get nonced. Good colours, though. I would love him to get American YouTube. Yeah, the B&M colours, then. Yeah, and the Hathaway colours.

Oh, my God. Is he like Justin? He's so annoying. Mr. Tumble. Hi, I'm Blippi. Oh. He looks like Mario's gay cousin. Not a big fan.

But yeah, they know what they're doing with a bit of product placement. Oh, is it all like the unboxings and all that? Oh God, that's the biggest load of shit. There's a kid called Ryan, isn't there, that's like absolutely minted. I think that might be why Jack's learning to talk how he's talking. He's American.

Oh, sorry, I didn't get it. Sorry. That is insensitive give him a red you can't be handing that yellow card to this chap mate if we go red this early no you got i mean he's of asian origin isn't he that's you know okay don't back out of the fucking thing it was bad um yeah the unboxing one's horrific because it's like oh my god it's a secret egg it's 20 quid you could just see the dad in the fucking side going unbox out now like like joe jackson you fucking better unbox out now bullshit nothing's in it oh my god there's a little two quid doll what was the what was the one you wanted when you watched the telly is that one that sticks in your mind that either you never got or you did get

that you waited for ages for? Yeah, I remember it was like Power Rangers Christmas and there was the Megazord and then they brought out the White Ranger Sabre and my mum had a fight with someone in a Toys R Us for it because she put it, got it in a basket, getting my brother's and sister's stuff and then a woman leant into the basket

and was like you fucking not that is a red card from Asda that isn't it that's Jingle basically that's Jingle All The Way

with Arnold Schwarzenegger they've done a whole film about that that's a disgrace when the SNES came out the Super Nintendo that was honestly I must have been about

10 11 that was like colour TV yeah I was swimming around in my dad's balls god it was so big i wanted to snag so much and there was an american version and then they brought out the uk version oh god i've never wanted something so much and did you get it no what oh mate you know why because i saved up my money got it yourself didn't save enough and then got a sega game gear instead a game gear was so bad it was like a psp but the size of a boogie board it was ginormous hey i was such an accidental sega kid i had the master system i had the master

system because it was cheap every time i I nearly got there, I was like, I can't, I just had, I had no patience as a kid. Did you ever have a dream, Cass? So pocket money and I got, so I nearly bought

a fucking PlayStation and then I think I bought a Sega Saturn. No! No, the worst! It was the worst piece of poo

I've ever owned. I kept doing it. I never learned. Master system, gay gear. How much were you getting? Sorry, what was that?

It was a gay gear. How much were you getting given a week for your gay gear? Say good gay gear. Hang on, let me think. What was your pocket money? Two shillings. Yeah,

I got a Threepenny bit of her. You know, because I'm old. Now, what were you getting like a five a week or something was I fuck getting

a five a week for pocket money I can't even remember if I got pocket money what were you saving up pockets were invented yeah hand of money

I mean I had a paper I had a paper round did you and you saved that no I just got to spend I struggled to save what did you buy your gay gear with um just birthday money christmas money and then you know when you just so there was an old

man that lived around the corner oh that's how you got your money i've just sucked him off he's called billy he was called billy and he looked after the woman that lived next door to us and he didn't have kids or grandkids and he used to take me and I can hear what I'm saying I can hear what I'm saying now

not swimming he he just took us for these photo shoots what what no what for

and he paid us to just wear these costumes like what this is Joe the echo oh my god fucking hell And he paid us to just wear these costumes. Like what? This is Joe. The echo. Oh my God. Even at six, I'd be like,

mate, I don't even know what the word nonce means. Wow. I shit myself then. He was a really lovely old man and my mum and him got on. Oh, wow. And he used to take us to the sweet shop, but because he hadn't got any kids or anything like if we went to the sweet shop i might get 50p from my mum and that was like oh

when for this bitch feeling general yeah he's good he would like two pound it on the regs two quid like i remember getting like a pound 50 off him and going, like, I don't even know this motherfucker. And he's dropping a pound 50. And this is when penny sweets were pennies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, so I used to go to Diane's, which was a shop on Liverpool Road in Penwitham. And I used to be like,

it was one of my favorite things to do, just go, put a pound down and go, 100 candy shrimps. And she'd go, oh, fuck oh my life but she was so tight she wouldn't just guess she would go oh cool she wouldn't do a handful no she'd get a big bag and go one and literally hate you for every one two three four five six she would have been the same woman that was like two school kids in the shop at once you're like just let us in diane's was they were sound i ended up delivering papers for them later on they were lovely people but at that age where

i who wants a hundred candy shrimps just for some reason i had to be that kid so i could walk out like yeah i'm a millionaire well i went how many you got we had the chocolate box by ours which is the shop the corner shop it's called it's called what the chocolate box and it was owned by if an old man around the corner if a business owner you mean business right an owner of a business he was lovely yeah good man i remember i got a tenant off me now once i can't remember what it was for doing something good in school or something and uh the lad used to live behind me jed we went i went in and we used to love the blue dolphins yeah the blue dolphins they're still around now what are they like sweets yeah they're white on the bottom not like gary's i used to love the misubishis uh so i pick a mixed box like the

thing to get the chipped in is a tenner's worth it's a thousand so when i went i'll have the whole box and me and jeb went home and i was like fucking he was like lad you're heavy you know i beat me honey you've totally one-upped me on that just bought the whole i'll have the box just literally go to the supplier and get it you know v80 you went wholesale yeah literally you want to go to the corner shop i want to go costco mom get? I want to go Costco, mum. Get your fucking card. I am feeling fucking... The fella was like, wow. Yeah. Which is why... Wow.

He's like, I'll have 20p's worth of that. I'll have a quarter of cola bottles and all that. That was the time as well when he would have lifted up to see the Queen's head. Do you know that? Yeah, that was the check. £10 box, £10 note, walked on with a box

and he was like, lad. I was like, oh, maybe, aren't I? Do you know know i used to make my money when i was about 11 so i started a paper round and then i realized that i could sell page freeze at school so what i would do i'd have like 20 papers take all the page freeze out so people would just get page two to page five like these men in the morning were like fucking hate the wives and the job and they turn it and they want to see what kelsey's saying yeah but you've also taken the second page of the sport as well that just went in the bin that oh my god so i'd do that i'd like rip like do you know when you like

perforate it and you just rip it and i'm just going to school with a big big bag full of you sell just like the tit of the day. How much are you getting for them? Like 50p. That's great, isn't it? Yeah. Brennan was an 11-year-old pornographer. Fucking three. He was about 30p, just got to buy the whole thing. But when I first discovered that you could buy, basically I could pay paper full of tits,

like daily sport. The daily sport, yeah. The daily sport. So, and they'd just sell it to a kid, wouldn't they? Yeah. What I would do is I'd have it on my, so I'd go in the alleyway and have it on the handlebars and just have a flick through and have a little go just have a wank in the oh i mean listen there's no there's no judgment here everyone's had a daily sport wank but never on a bike brendan well it's hard as well because you

can't masturbate on a bmx on the floor so you can't get like do you know because you're just a bit too so you have to like burn the last time you told us a story that went viral oh yeah oh mate the worst thing about that so if you don't remember by the way last time benham was here he told us about sucking himself off and coming in his own mouth and now taylor's oldest time i've gigged for over 10 years and people drive by in the street you come in your own mouth and I go fucking hell people go what's your company like lad

like I'm just on a night out and then my mum sat me down so I went to go and see her is this recently this is about two months ago in the light of what you said here yeah oh beautiful

and because my mum shares everything it's the one thing she's not shared in over 10 years What you said here? Yeah. Oh, beautiful. And because my mum shares everything. Mama like that. Everything. Mama like that. It's the one thing she's not shared in over 10 years. Oh, really? And she went, look, it's all fun and games. But this is affecting other people.

That was your brother's bed. I was like, is that what you're taking out of this? And she goes, please don't talk about that on the thing. I go, I know, I just got a bit carried away. And she goes, I know, but your auntie's seen it. I'm like, why?

She went, well, I've seen, I've showed her. She's like a Daily Mary, really, who's like, this is disgusting. Let me send it to all of my other disgusted friends. So now my mum knows. But like- She knew anyway.

She knew. We've got something in common. Like we... She knew anyway. She knew. We've got something in common. Like, we've all done it. What, she loves sucking her man off? No. No, we've all performed. As adults. I've never sucked a man off.

You've never sucked... No, but women, you've sucked a woman's bits. I've sucked a woman off, yeah. Yeah, you've sucked a woman off. I wonder if your auntie's watching this now. Hiya, Auntie Brennan. Your mum's a wonderful woman. She's great.

But I really think she's buried the lead on what was going on there. That was her brother's bed and he's going to have to recover from this mentally. What do you mean by she shares everything? As in like your clips?

Shares clips. Oh, I thought you meant like she'd tell you everything. No, she's not like, oh, just out of shit. Like, you're like, what? But are you, did you have parents

who would talk about sex and stuff? I've never once in my 31 years on this planet spoke to my mum about sex, ever. My mum years ago, when she was, I think, hoping for a gay. She nearly got one. She, I remember coming home one day. It's 25% of the way.

So I've talked quite a lot about gay sex, but never about real sex. And what she, not that gay sex yeah in my reality what do you mean it's just different you've talked to your mum about bumming but not about well i've never said oh that girl there well i didn't lose my virginity till i was still quite late i was 22 whoa all right is that what we're laughing at is it hey you've done some catching up on that kid thank you i won't worry about all these

you've definitely put the stats Jamie Vardy won the league but now I'm a bit fatter and a bit older I have just been relegated back to the

championship but I'm sticking with him so yeah I came home once and my mum she was sort of

sat there on the laptop Lenovo and she goes, product placement. And she goes, what's this? And it was a website for gay celebrities. Now I'm neither.

It was like gaycelebrity.com. It's quite on the nose, isn't it? Maybe it was.co.uk. I can't remember. But there was a fan page for me pictures off my facebook just pictures of me and she goes why have you done that and i went what she went why have you made this website do you think this is how i was gonna come out like that and she was like well who's made it and i went i don't know like someone's just mate and she will what have you

got to tell me i said i'm not gay and she was like well i'm gonna have to tell him and i went who and she's like oh i'm just gonna have to write to the internet are you fucking mad so then for a while i just sort of play it and i'd like she'd be like do you know if you're going out with your friends make sure you know you wear a condom and i go you don't need a condom for bumming which you do actually i didn't know you need a condom for all penetrative sex what sex all pen he got the birds and the bees you sound like uh alex turner at glass so yeah i've talked about bumming never really talk about um This is not talking about that fucking shit. Sex.

So yeah, I've talked about bumming. Never really talk about clitoral stimulation with my own mother. Well, you're not on your own there. I never squeezed it in before she died either. I know you're ill, mum, but there's some things we haven't chatted about and we'll get to bumming later, but no, I didn't have the birds and the bees.

Not with your dad? I got a condom from Affleck's Palace. What's that? In Manchester. That's where I had my first job. It's like where goths go to hibernate. Oh, it's so good. You'd hate it, Carl.

Oh my God. We could do a Patreon special taking Carl and Adam to athlex fuck me four floors of sadness and stripy tights and by the way when you're 14 15 it's the cool it was the coolest place ever i used to want to go and get my hair dreaded oh it was is it like quiggins and a pool what it's, so it's, it's an old, a really old, I would imagine like warehouse or almost like. I think it was like a,

like a sewing factory or something like that. Oh no, I think it was a department store. But it really, it's, it's got a stairwell up the middle that looks relatively new. Yeah. But then all the floors,

it's such a fucking tinderbox. Like if they had even a small fire in the middle of Affleck's I'm surprised they haven't because the amount of incense that's burning you've lost 20 hippies in half an hour they're burning incense because they can't wear deodorant them goths can they? no

it's like incenses say it's deodorant it's like the Sephardians give them blood innit what? they can't give blood can they? what? why? What? What? They can't give blood, can they? What? Why? Too much rum? Yes!

Famously! If I admit, me fam's a full of rum. The Rastas always like a little bit of rum. Give him blood and ting. Do you remember the condom shop in Affleck's Palace? This is in the Northern Quarter in Manchester. And it was called Rubber Plantation. Yes!

Big shout out. I would never remember. Do rubber plantation yeah i went there when i was about 14 15 and i remember thinking i'm gonna live here one day i'm not in the rubber plantation and i ended up living in the northern quarter i it's such a i know it's become a lot more popular but it was quite alternative back in the day now there's just so many cool bars around there yeah they used to be proper old boozers and you had to find the like places to drink, but it was always the record shops. They're like alternative, independent.

Yeah, really cool. Roadhouse. I loved it. And go into the rubber plantation. It was, I think you got, it was either like six johnnies for a fiver or was it sort of expensive no was it five johnny's for a quid that's no part part of the experience of going to affleck's palace

you anyone 13 14 years old could not go to affleck's palace without coming back with a little pick and mix bag of johnny's i went in with a tenner once and went i'll have the box what kind did you like is he all like flavors and that yeah so curry were versed oh yeah they did curry verse one curry verse how is that the first one that's going through all of the fruits were available curry verse it just stuck out that he's like it's before christmas markets as well so it's quite a blueberry i remember blueberry because i blew that one up like, it was before Christmas markets as well. So it's quite a nibble. Blueberry. I remember blueberry. Cause I blew that one up. I put it, I put it on just a fucking idiot,

put it on in my mom's bedroom, then blew it up, popped it. And then just, and then just got a gender reveal. Yeah. When nothing comes out, you're like,

we're not keeping it. What you put a huge joint in your mom's room. I just, you know, when you're just like, Oh, I've got a Johnny. I was probably about 40.

Put it on. I was like, ah, and then there's nothing else to do. So I just took it off, when you're just like, oh, I've got a Johnny. I was probably about 40. Put it on. I was like, ah, and then there's nothing else to do. So I just took it off, blew it up, popped it. On your own? And then like, yeah, there's no one else there. What were you popping it with? I don't know. I just think I was just.

No, I think if you blow something up big enough, it just pops, doesn't it? Yeah, but Johnnies have got to go big. Yeah, well. They put big dicks in them. I left it on my mum's bed. You left it on the bed? I blew it up with a man's dick. Sorry, I really... It was that old guy Billy. And I got a whiskey-flavoured condom. I lost my virginity wearing a whiskey-flavoured condom.

What? Wait, that needs to simmer. From rubber plantation. Did the person sort of just get your balls like that? That was a ten year old scott we've been doing this i know she said a lot for maybe a decade now and you've never mentioned that you lost your virginity with a whiskey flavored condom to a girl called steph and she put boys in the hood on the fucking TV.

Fucking hell. Was it Hennessy Day? She was from Southside LA. I lost my virginity. How old were you? In Compton. In the Compton. I was 22.

No, I wasn't. I was 14. He was statutorily raped? Statutorily? What is... Statutorily? What's the statutory bit? It means you're...

You can consent, but you're actually not... Yeah, you're a minor. You can't legally consent as a minor. And he was 14. And how old was... But I wasn't saying no. 16.

I was saying, mmm, that whiskey dude's good. I was like, why were you tasting the whiskey hang on wait because i blew it up and popped it wait did what did she not go why is this whiskey flavors it was hers we i think we'd been to affleck's you planned it because that's what people do in it no we didn't go to affleck's. Tonight's the big night. What do you want to taste? Which flavour? Well, curry-verse is a little bit on the nose.

And then going to the other shops. Right, let's get a poster. Put that down. What about Anacorticova stroking her ass? Yeah, train spotted. Did you taste it in here? Did you have a go of it? What?

You know, you can go in and out. Shake it all about. No, I didn't really taste it. I was just being silly. But I didn't go down on her the first. Because that is too much, isn't it? I think like sex. You can't go down on her.

Who went down on a girl the first? That's advanced. Possibly me. Possibly. On your virginity. Yeah. Yeah. I feel sick.

I'm literally like, oh God. I don't know if the mic's picked it up, but Brendan's tummy so audibly rumbled then. was like it was like oh i'm hungry for pussy tell me more about this 14 year old strikes before you do the the pokey stuff yeah you do everything else yeah so you've already done all that yeah that's the bill though you don't do all the bases first. No, I had. I'd done everything before I'd done the actual deed. So you'd done... Wait, hang on.

So you... All I remember is poison. No wonder I like Blake. And that's Friday, you know. I'm trying to think. Oh, poison. There's no nice bits, is there? Hope you find your way

down Compton I'm a big motherfucker oh it's the bit where he goes I'm selling this shit for 59.95 and it's the it's like a

who's hang on am I misremembering which one's boys in the hood it's the Cuba Gooding Junior yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you remember him Friday

like me no I'm not in boys in the hood there's a bit where one of them holds up a liquor store and they've got the cctv and he's just repeatedly watching it right um i mean i've watched it for years friday is fuck mate i could we could do a watch along yeah on friday one of my favorite films ever i fucking loved it i do think it's weird when people shag when the telly's on or like when

films are on though because that gets ingrained in your head don't oh yeah i lost my anal virginity to friday i lost my virginity to the and i fucked a man to amistad give us a free go on my mom is the uh 400 metre hurdles at the 2016 Olympics that was a quick shag please tell me it'd come before

before it had finished it was a quick shag there it was just the Olympics the women's I don't I can't remember exactly but it was the

the Rio Olympics that's what was on it was the middle of the night that gets me going as well it was the middle of the night 4am first time let's go

am I the only person who just said it's like the olympics have got sponsored by a can of pop it's the real olympic but yeah you did everything before you did the actual sex you've done everything first but no one wants to see like i don't know how old you were when you first um tasted mother nature 17 17 but that's too young that you've only just been able to buy a lottery ticket. I haven't done that either. I've never bought a lottery ticket. You're not.

You've got to do that before you lick anyone out. Well, I'm lost then. I'm like, I'm lost. You never got a lottery ticket from the chocolate box. Is that when someone's not douched? It's a winner! It could be you. I've never bought a lottery ticket, no. Let's bought a Lottie ticket you bought a scratch card

yeah it was a with it was a with Steve I think we had a tenner and then we kept going back into the shop so we'd go into the car scratchy go back in and go two quid and we did that until we had no money we were there for three weeks

we were there for a while but yeah you did all the things, all the bases before you had sex. You did. You just can't remember. I think if you're 14 and you're getting,

you know, statutorily. You weren't going down on ladies at 14, were you? I honestly don't remember. I just remember a lot of gangland shootings.

I don't think I, I don't, I didn't spadoosh on my first time. You didn't lose your virginity? I didn't think I, I don't, I didn't spadoosh on my, on my first time. You didn't lose your virginity? I didn't. What, you didn't?

Um, did I not though? No. Mine was like a Black Friday sale. I'd literally fallen over through the automatic door. I was like, oh, it was so bad.

My first time was awful. Mine was, mine was, she was a mate that, and it just got out of hand. We were friends from drama group. I think anxiety induced. This is a rare story. Mine was an hour and a half oh my god oh my god was that the 1500 meters

it finishes it's the 2012 olympic 2020 olympics got a beard fuck me yeah i don't know what happened yeah was it her first time yeah she's never had sex have you had sex once yeah i've had sex once you've had sex twice no the burning she must have been yeah yeah she'll be walking around like christian bale in the prestige you wanted to get down the rubber plantation you could you could have got through every flavour. What? Hang on. So you were going first time, 10 minutes in,

you're like, oh. Yeah. This is long. I thought 20 minutes in, let's keep going. And now what is? Let's keep going. It's a new experience.

I was just like, oh my God, I'm amazing at this. This is going well. What? Whoa! Behrbach on your debut, yeah? I don't know what happened. The coverage of the presenters on the Olympics

must have changed over. It was Sue Barker. You've got a raw dog for Sue. Raw dog on your debut? Yeah, it's real, isn't it? That's how they populate the town. Did you finish? Yeah.

You must have blown a bottle. Fucking hell. Must have been like boys know for you as well. The exit wound And a bat A medal And some flowers They shoot it

Oh my god Did she Did she Huh Did she finish Yeah At what point Multiple times

Throughout Bollocks No way Bollocks Bollocks Because there was There was stopping to do some Pulls apart

It's Finn's great It's X-Lays and Jets There was stopping to do some hand stuff as well. Hand stuff. You gave a girl multiple. What, shaking hands, passing over money? The battle. I'm not.

I honestly, it feels like this is a lie. It is. It's not. It's genuinely not. It was very codeine induced as well. Don't know what happened. Oh, you were high. I was high.

Jesus Christ, Rill. What are you doing? 17. So you went, let's pop some codeine and have 90-minute sex at the Olympics. Yeah, fucking Jim Morrison over here.

That sounds like an old couple who were terminal who were doing it for the last time. Should we have a codeine and fucking go at it until one of us dies? Codeine puts me in kick as well. Turns me on, apparently.

That's wild. Yeah. And when did your nest egg start after that? That wasn't good English. When did your nest egg set after that? That wasn't good English. When did your nest egg? Two days later. Mate.

How long did that last? Four. It was still, I think, looking back, it was an anxiety thing. I don't know why, but I think that's what happened.

And it was still like an hour. You fucking player. For like a year, it was like an hour. What? I've never done it for an hour in my life well i can't anymore but like i wish those are the those are the days i had the total different anxiety i just so quick i got so excited i could literally just on the driveway walking up to the

house i was so yeah are you sure yeah did she go to a different school he's like yeah i've done it that's mad she she must have loved you huh you're giving her multiple orgasms every time you had sex not every time later on we got together after that we were together for a few years you did yeah she was locking you down 17 year old but i bet the next one after that when she does someone just down there just like she's like this is dreadful yeah you've ruined that expectation i think it's worse leaving it later like when i because when you're 22 you know that it's like you know when like parents split up as kids and parents split up as adults you know the gist don't you so like when you're 17 14 you just you're just like yeah ay-ay-ay. But like, when you're 22... That was my next... Ay-ay-ay!

Ay is for ay-ay-ay. But when you're 22, you know there's the pressure then. You're like, they've done it with other people. Oh, did you not find your own virgin? No. I didn't find my own virgin. No, I didn't. Are you a vampire?

And I didn't tell her either. She knew afterwards, obviously. But I never told the person. I just was like, oh, I reckon I can style tell her either. She knew afterwards, obviously. But I never told the person. I just was like, oh, I reckon I can style it. Why so late, Brennan? Do you know what? I really loved having it

because it meant when I was at uni, I was probably the last one to have it. And girls went mad. They were like, I'm going to take that. I'm going to fucking have that. How old are these women? Big Northern Berlin. i'm a lecturer so girls would try and it basically had another point on my out of 10 because girls were like i really want to take his virginity like a vampire yeah

and then there was one girl i was nearly said a name then this northern irish girl and she was for nula and she was too much i remember one night waking up in the middle of the night in london london um and she was squatting over me and she was trying to pop pop me knob in her and i went whoa what a playful use of language for something that is genuinely threatening like she was literally squatting like she was doing crossfit and she was trying to put it in and I went what are you doing

and she went go back to sleep no honest to god I swear to god she's married now go back to sleep say her name

I can't that's the disgrace she's got away with that imagine her right now you'd be a nick go back to sleep go back to sleep yeah

I didn't of course you didn't of course well you've asked nicely imagine if you did were you hard yeah i think so yeah i must have been oh shit everyone fucks for an hour and a half and sleeps hard real men on this part but a northern irish female rapist like go back to sleep she called me up she went you've got three minutes to go back to sleep you've got three minutes to fuck me what the fuck so a few about a year later i was on a date in in london again i was i went to london a few times and it was it was christmas time by the natural history museum and i'm skating hand in hand with this other girl and you know everyone

has to go one way around the around track, right? The ice rink. Fanula was on the ice rink, but she was coming at me. She was going anti-clockwise and she was skating like she was playing from fucking Manchester Storm. She was like, arms down. And she'd just come by and she'd go, who the fuck is she?

And then come back around. You're a fucking piece of shit. And she just got like, she'd basically do drive-by heckles. What the fuck? Yeah. She sounds fit. She was fit,

but she was fucking... Yeah, she is. Drop dead gorgeous. She is fucking mad. You cannot be such a rapey psycho and be a munter. That's just the rules. Go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep. I'll see you. I scared him. What did you do when you stayed the week? Did you tell her to fuck off? No, I think I, because I was a bit of a fanny then. I'm too much of a people pleaser anyway. Well, I scared him. What did you do when you stayed awake? Did you tell her to fuck off? No, I think I, because I was a bit of a fanny then. I'm too much of a people pleaser anyway,

but not like that. But like, I just sort of stayed awake and just, I think she was big spoon. Yeah. Wow, that was one of the times

I was nearly raped. You've been hurt. And that one was for Brennan's mum and Brennan's auntie who will be watching this. Auntie Erica, that's for you. Being horrified.

I think that was the lady's name. It wasn't. CM was the initials. Punk. Yeah. Ashton Kutcher burst out and he went, gotcha, and I went, who the fuck are you? You're right by CM Punk.

Wild. She fucking bumped me through a table. Right, let's have a break. There's no following fucking Fanula. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break here, isn't it? There's nothing for you to listen to. So why don't you do us a favour while we're on a break?

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Share it, you fucking lid. Don't be a fucking rat. Ah, welcome back. You can't do that. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm not doing it a fucking rat. Ah, welcome back. You can't do that! Welcome back to the podcast. I'm not doing it. Welcome back to the podcast where we're just talking about good times

and happy memories. Do you know what? You've literally just pulled a pin on a grenade. Yeah. And now I want to know what... Listen, we've all got our lives together so well, haven't we? I mean, that's a fact isn't it so let's give some advice oh the only thing we're gonna miss here is adam because he's sage

agony brennan This is from M who is a lady from Glasgow someone commented on something going why are you saying lady

because you're not Bill Burr it's like it's a Bill Burr reference it's to show we love him shut the fuck up I know so like

she's a lady it's a homage to Bill Burr that's why I do it because he's the best and we love him I'm Bill Burr. That's why I do it. Because he's the best. And we love him. I'm not nicking a joke, am I?

You look a bit Bill Burr-y. I'm just letting you know. I'm letting listeners know that we love Bill Burr. This feels like an homage. You get a bit angry about that. Homage. Homage. This is the most northern thing. A bit of an homage.

Homage. 416 for an homage. A bit of a fucking homage. This is from a lady from Glasgow my question I'll do it as a fucking lady hello hello

I am a Glaswegian lady my question advice I want to hear from you lot is about being social I consider myself to be an introvert I have a low social battery

Finn this is a term I didn't know much about until you started banging around in Tenerife me and Finn are very similar in the sense

and I struggle to stay on a night out for longer than three hours we're talking six p.m right um this is my favorite bit of the question she's gone i struggle to stay on a night for longer than three hours we're talking six p.m till nine p.m or seven till ten p.m etc just to give you a wee idea of how fucking time works that is three fucking hours uh oh how do you all manage to have something how do you all manage to have something to chat about for all of that time do you ever worry about running out of conversations love the pod and think yous are all cracking especially finn you could have two lots of sex over three hours fucking mama like that like it by the way um this is a social anxiety thing isn't it yeah no i don't

i don't anxiety no no but i mean the conversation thing isn't something i've ever ever had i don't think any of us would ever have conversations for our job yeah so we know how to help but in terms of the social battery thing we we it was us three wasn't it on holiday talking about it and i'm so interested by it because i think you've i've never heard the term but you're quite up on your mental health it's just when you get to a point where you are like i'm a bit wiped out with hanging out with everyone yeah i'm not gonna contribute anything to this night i'm just gonna yeah be deflated so i may as well just dip out now and then go you charge i think you charge in a group i think he's both like a solar panel he's

like genuinely energy but as i charge on my own so say there's like a say there's like a group in my house there's like a party if i go and sit in my room on my own for half an hour i'm okay i have to take i have to take myself away it's like i have to be on my own that's how i get my energy back but as adam put adam in a room 100 people and he's charging yeah i'm the opposite of that oh at a party going and sitting on my own for half an hour would not help anything i just no i charge the same with the energy out of the situation okay see i'm a you like i went on a stag do about a year ago never been on one before it was just like 10 lads in a house it was fucking boring because it was like let's drink for four days i'm like not my thing so i'd go to around a test it was like

ip switch just go walk around a Tesco for an hour read the things don't buy anything come back I'm ready for a drink and then three hours later after ping pong you're like I'm gonna go

and have a watch a Netflix and then come down and I can have a fucking not just sitting round for four days being like

drinking's good innit no so they charge in groups I'm the opposite I need to my energy is draining on a night out it isn't going off yeah at that on in tenerife having the day to myself was so good because by the time me and will met for a drink and that was very regularly me and will having a

drink at tea time i was so pumped to see everyone but that's a week That was eight days of intense. I love all of you lot and Adam. And I can't, I can't do eight full days. Like I don't know who can. I was doing the reverse of you. That's mad. I was with everyone all day. Yeah. And then the night I was like,

I need to go scone beyond me own. You ducking out. I was the opposite of you. So I've seen social anxiety because of Laura and she's, she, so we sold the pram that the jack's pram and all the attachments put it on facebook marketplace and laura's like i put it up she put it on for and not there was like they were up for 300 quid she was like i'm gonna put it up for 200 because someone really needs this full pram set it was like over a grand she was like i'd rather get rid of it and i'd also just if someone's nice i'd rather do them a solid and um they came around and then laura came

back in the house she must have been out of the house for all of 10 minutes she put all of the stuff in the garage cleaned it ready to go and came in like oh she was like revved she was like oh god she's like i going to struggle to sleep later. Just through the anxiety of having to do that interaction with someone she didn't know. Like that's how she gets that fraught about a social situation. And she now, because I am oblivious to this.

I'm like, new people, let's make a friend. So one of the mums was walking down the street the other day we just dropped a jacket nursery and we were walking up our own and she got to us and she was like oh it's gonna be nice and she did it in that sort of and and and Laura we were like yeah and then Laura like went on a little bit and she went that's social anxiety she's seen us coming from all the way down the street and gone oh oh God, I've got to say something. I've got to say something. Oh, what'd you fucking say?

I've got to say something. And then got to us and went, oh, it's going to be Delisa again, isn't it? Like, and I would have, I'd have just gone, oh, she's mental. She's, but she's not. She's a lovely woman. But Laura gives me the insight

into what it's like to feel socially anxious. And then you go, yeah, that makes total sense. Because if you feel stressed about those sort of interactions, the longer you've got to think about it, the more you build it up. socially anxious and then you go yeah that makes total sense because if you feel stressed about those sort of interactions the longer you've got to think about it the more you build it all totally yeah um i i it's honestly never on my register yeah like i love meeting new people i'm not totally anxious at all i love meeting new people but your social batteries are different like my social battery is i need to be on my own i'll just watch The Simpsons for two hours. I'm just doing nothing.

I'm just on my own. I just, I think, I think you've just got to do what you want to do, mate. Yeah. I don't think there's a, there's any trick or anything. And I would also suggest that if you're hanging around with the right people,

this stuff won't bother you, I don't think. Because they get it, don't they? Like, do you know if you, well, maybe not now, but if you fucked off. No, I do. I do leave and everyone's like, yeah, cool. Do you know what I used to do at Freshers Week? Because I was so scared.

So you go to a different city and you're like, everyone's just like, oh my God, I'm this, I'm that. I used to write basically like a set list of conversations on my hand. That's not that. No, people do that on like dates, don't they? I've heard of people going with prepared but i was 18 and i have things like jeremy beadle um milky bar kid like just like hits from like when i was like 15 i can see why you didn't lose your virginity till

22 uh this has gone a bit boring did you see you being flamed last night do you remember the Milky Bar kid mad wasn't it I used to lie and tell everyone I was the Milky Bar kid it's just a thing to talk about

but you called lie back then the internet wasn't it I looked exactly the same as him as well blonde bowl cut and then my mum found out and she made me apologise

to some people on holiday your auntie has found out you're calling yourself the Milky Bar kid I used to tell people my brother was in 9-1-1 my mum found out you're calling yourself the milky bar kid I used to tell people my brother was in 911 my mum found out she made me tell

the whole class how old were you? Etta's just started lying it's really good oh how old is she? she's six and she's

the neighbour's kid was like where are your horses? and Etta was like no I used to own horses and Laura went what did you say? and she like turned around like at school like yeah we've got a farm and a couple of horses and they're stupid enough to be like

mate i live three doors down i know for a fact you've not got fucking horses they're like oh my god maybe she does have horses she's like yeah man yeah, man, I've got horses. Let her lie. Yes, fine. Yeah, I used to lie all the time to be interesting. What I would do, so my brother's got the same name as someone from 9-1-1. And so I just used to go, yeah, that's my brother. Not thinking my mum was working in the same school, just in the infants. And then someone went up to my mum and was like,

excuse me, is your son in 9-1-1? And I was like, what? She's like, your other son's been telling us that. So she comes in, year six, I'm 11. Oh no. And she goes, Mr. Wright, can I have a word? Okay, can you just come to the front, please? So I go to the front.

What the fuck's she doing? What? And then she goes, do you want to tell everyone that your brother's not in a boy band? And I was like, honest to God, I think it was the first time I'd ever had an Adam Zappel. It went,

ah, upset me, nasty bitch. That's mean. Yeah. Literally face me with my shoulder like that. I'm stood on the carpet. Fucking awful. Fucking sweating next to like a display about the Tudors.

Just, do you know what you should have done? You should have went, he is and this woman's a liar. Your mum. I've met your mum. She's fucking great. She's such a legend.

Such a gentle lover. She was hands on, wasn't she? She was like, that is, no, I mean, no, I mean, the fact that she still watches and shares everything

and is really like keeping you accountable now. She's making sure I'm not lying. The fact that she came into the class and was like i'm gonna deal with this and i'm gonna get a team together oh brutal i'm just seeing like 30 blinking eyes like you should have just started doing it now mom once i'm like with the brother of someone now i know all the moves so she's lying. It was hard like I don't know whether anyone I guess it's not that

common like having your mum be at the school that you're at. It was it had its good bits so I was always picked to be like

headmaster's assistant for the day. Do you know where you get to sit outside? All the good bits. Oh no. Oh mate. That was unbelievable.

When you work for the office for the day you're running papers around. Student receptionist. What the fuck are you talking about? What's this? Short champ? In secondary school,

big school, high school, you got, your job for the day was you and your mate. You were the runner for the reception. Yeah. Running that. Student receptionist. We had this in primary school.

Office duty. It was cool. Lad, it was the, it was the best day ever. It was. It was sick. What the fuck day ever it was it was sick what the fuck is this our office duty mate

uh Kyle Riegler and Adam Rowe can you please go to the deputy's office no it's like jury duty like you're on office duty

yeah you know you open a letter and you're like can I get out of it and they're like nope you're looking at your

time table going oh what am I missing history yeah and you'd be able to walk into your class where they'd be like yeah I missed

that's that just going to go back to the office and we had a little we had a desk next to the reception chairs can you just run that

to Mrs blah blah please and you're marching through other classes that's what I was like at primary school a little admin drug runner but yeah here's a little package

don't ask questions get back to fucking geography it was like it was a week I'm on off duty next week and it was only for the good kids obviously

unbelievable I think I've done it once just for the good kids you do stapling what happened to the class what have you missed something no the good kids are ahead

tough shit you missed listen you're too far ahead you're making the fucking spanners look bad off you go send a little fucking message

it's still on my CV one week nine years old Ashley Weston private school did you write it down Spanners look bad, off you go. Send a little fucking message. It's still on my CV. One week, nine years old. Did you write it down at Freshers Week? I was actually, I did a run-in for the headmaster. You just opened the Pandora's box there. Office duty, mate. It was so sick.

It was nearly as good as being milk monitor. The person who pushed the computers in. Charles, you ever do office duty in school? No. Maybe he's had good skills. milk monitor the person who pushed the computers in charlie's new office do you think it's good no maybe it was so sick yeah the whole reason i wanted to be a sixth former even though they didn't do the subjects i wanted to do and i knew i should have been going to newman college in town it's because i wanted to be you couldn't be a prefect in our school until you're a sixth former lower sixth were prefects and i did four months there and they went oh this is absolute bullshit plus my mum had died i was like i'm not my head

was all over the shop but in that four months i finally got to be a prefect it was so good i'm getting really sick of you so good doing smoking duty there was a route around there i think i've mentioned this before you had to go there was one place in the school it was behind the old swimming baths and uh that's where the smokers would go and part there was different gigs for the sixth form prefects and one of them was doing a walk around so if a prefect would come you'd shit it because i used to be one of them smokers oh god i'd done that smoking so I knew it was fucking great

and I there wasn't anyone there and I had a fag as a prefect in the bit where you were meant to clear the smokers out it's one of my favourite

bits of 6-4 fucking brilliant I went to another school to do English I think I've said this before so I got to wear my own clothes like

not uniform like a little American but I had uniform on so I'm like yeah i rock up here in my own clothes i see a black taxi paid for from my school to this school i'm gonna go to another drive and more say they want to go to like that girl go like just drop me off and he just dropped me off at ours and i go home you didn't hang around for like lunch there did you just did one class i just so because I can't imagine a kid just coming in with no uniform and everyone's like,

yeah, sound. He's sixth form, yeah. Oh, it was sixth form. No, it wasn't,

no, it was sixth form. Right, right, right. But in sixth form, in St. Eddie's,

you had to wear your uniform. It was like a, what? Sell the scouts. Yeah, St. Eddie's, St.

Gary's. St. Edwards, it used to be a private school. Yeah, I know. St. Eddie's.

St. Eddie's. St. Tommy's, St. Eddie's. St. Gary's. used to be a private school yeah I know St. Eddie's St. Eddie's I used to go there St. Tommy's St. Eddie's St. Gary's have you ever seen have you ever seen Skins yeah

have you seen the first series where Tony goes into the to do the choir have you ever seen you can remember it's ages ago he's got his own uniform his own clothes

and he looks cool as fuck all the teachers are like who are you and he's like why am I but yeah every now and again he dropped me off at ours as well and just go home.

That'd give me social anxiety going in, like, do you know, on a school trip, you can wear what you want. So I was like a bit of a mosher. Hence the love of Affleck's Palace.

But I didn't really have my own like mosher clothes so I'd borrow my sister's. She used to have these, she'd get them from this website called hot topic and she'd get these like massive 40 inch rimmed pants like they were huge honest to god they were fucking ginormous and i remember going to alton towers in a pair of her shorts that were about 30 inches and being on like the oblivion and literally about to feel like my balls were about to rip. Cause it was filling with air.

That's what I was going around. And I'm just like. Do you know what else I didn't have to go before we finish? I used to call Phil Thompson a big nose every single day. Right. Former Liverpool player. Where was he? Used to park his car right outside the front

to pick one of his kids up and he used to have his window down playing the radio and every single day I'd walk past his window and go big nose and he wouldn't even react he'd just

carry on listening to the radio and every day it made me happy I'd walk home like just called him a big nose there was he a assistant manager at that point

he was involved in a club yeah he was like an OG club yeah he was like an OG how big was the nose Phil Thompson Phil Thompson's got a nose you do

from soccer Saturday you do oh yeah he's got a big ocean nose yeah but I used to walk past this guy and go big nose

oh yeah that's a big nose do you know what talking of prefects and bullying I got my prefect tie taken off me because

there was this lad russell ashworth and name him he was all right he was just a bit of a knob maybe it was social anxiety who knows and once he headbutted me in a class that's not social anxiety so i don't i don't really know why but i got an headbutt he was always kicking off with people this little and um i was quite into wwf then and i folded up a chair and hit him with it and then lost my prefect eye and he never came back in school if i'd be dead no he's not because unfortunately i bumped into him in a fucking drive-through what so about six years ago no he was working at mcdonald's And I pulled up just after a gig.

I just went, oh God, it's him. And he was like, hi. And I went, yeah, can I just have like a double cheeseburger? And he went,

we went to school together. I'm thinking, does he not remember me hitting him with a chair? And I'm thinking, yeah, I'll just have that cheeseburger, please. And he went,

yeah, yeah. Order a shot of school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went, what are you doing now? And he'm thinking, yeah, I'll just have that cheeseburger, please. And he went, yeah, yeah. Ordered shots. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing now? And he just went, this. And then he turned to the right and you could see staples in his head. That might be because of you.

He might've been a bright kid and you smashed his head. He wasn't bright. He was headbutting people for no reason in geography. Yeah, and it's not top set stuff, is it? It wasn't my top set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. St. Eddie's.

St. Baz's, mate. We're all fucking headbutting each other. Top of the fucking class for headbutts. One more. Shall we do, because we're running

out of time on this one. Shall we do, Brendan, you can decide, you're the guest. Crazy American. Cunty Neighbour. I feel like we do a lot of C you're the guest crazy American cunty neighbour I feel like we do a lot of cunty neighbours

or someone's been cheated on ooh crazy American sounds like the most interesting one

I'm not gonna do the crazy neighbour I feel like we've done loads of them right neighbours off cheating or

American I mean we can do both it's our podcast go on let's do American okay Leon says hi Lids bit of a weird one

but I need some advice I have an American stalker she's the sister of one of my mates and we messaged for a bit after I met her when we were younger fast forward four years

and she's obsessive about me despite me bunning her off bunning bunning can I get a Scouse translation that's not Scouse bunning I'm guessing it means like you know fucking her off I Bunning? Bunning. Can I get a Scouse translation? That's not Scouse.

Bunning? I'm guessing it means like, you know, fuck off. Fucking her off. I think it's like binning, but spelled wrong. Bunning someone off. Or bumming her.

That's different. Then she's allowed to be obsessed, isn't she? Bummed off though. We've been watching athletics, he's been bumming me. Fuck off. What is bunning slime?

Like a neighbour who's so sick of like kids kicking balls and he's going, I'll bum you off. He bums all the kids. You won't kick a fly away in his garden again. Okay, hang on. So we've got an urban dictionary on bunning.

Inserting your penis into the folds of an overweight person's back boobs until ejaculation on the back of their head. If you're doing that, I get why she's getting mixed messages. She keeps stalking me. I call that Freddie Quinn. Oh my Lord.

I'm guessing it's like, you know, swerving her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's folding her back fat and getting her back fat. She's American. She is.

They are wild. Recently, she got too deep and I blocked her, but then she started sending parcels to my house, gifts of clothes and aftershave worth a shit ton. It all sounds boss, but it's such an awkward one to explain to my bird, so I want it to stop.

But I also don't want to out it to my mate because that seems sly. Any advice? That's from Leon, who has a crazy American lady. I missed the last bit. Sorry. So she's sending him gifts. Expensive gifts. Oh, nice. But he's got a missus.

Keep taking the gifts. Yeah. How do you explain that to your missus? Get her stuff. Yeah, tell her what you want. We'll put an order in. Do you want a toaster? She's like a pay pig. Yeah. She is? She is. Can I have a tanning mitt? Yeah, just a toaster? She's like a pay pig. Yeah. She is. She is.

Can I have a tanning mitt? Yeah, just be like, you know, or a new fridge. Nice one. Send her like some Amazon lists. Yeah. If she's stupid enough to do it,

fucking soak her. I remember when I was about 17 and I used to work at Pizza Hut and I had a stalker. I had a stalker. Well, it was a girl called Potwash Calf who, she worked, she was a girl called Potwash Calf.

She was... She whacks people off. She sounds like a pirate. That is not a hard line. She wasn't... How do you say this nicely? She had needs. Catherine Potwash. Sounds like Captain Pugwash. As if you didn't know that. Catherine Potwash. Sounds like Captain Pugwash.

As if you didn't know that. What needs did she have? Lots of hugs. Lots of hugs. Can a false leg have hugs? I don't know how you... Let's say she had Nintendo DS. DS.

She had Down Syndrome then. She had Down Syndrome. I'm out. Go on. She had Down syndrome then? She had Down syndrome. I'm out. Go on. She was so lovely. Pot wash calf, used to work there. And she was so nice.

I used to run out the front. And then one day, I, there was a knock on the door. Oh God. Everyone's shitting their pants. Go on, go on, go on. So, there was a knock on the door and my mum goes right can you come downstairs i knew your mum would be alone in this story she's fucking everywhere your mum she's all over pot wash cath go on so she's like um there's someone at the door and basically potwashed calf's dad had turned up to take me to potwashed calf's birthday oh oh and i'm like she's like what have you what have

you told this girl i'm like i don't know what you're talking about so we basically go to the back back of the house like dragon's dead and have a chat about it and i go there's this girl she's got Donna Summers and she, she thinks, I think she thinks we're going. So it was a birthday. And then my mom made me go to a birthday. Yeah.

Damn right. So I'm just sort of stood and there's low, there's, there's loads of people there. Have they got Dean Smith as well? Yeah. And I'm just there and like,'s hugging me and all that and then i went on several dates with potwashed calf because i felt so bad we went my dad always took us but we went mcdonald's um just have a walk

and so i know how he feels. I didn't get any... You know how he feels? Well, do you know what you're like, how do I call this off? Because you don't want to upset someone. Did you kiss her? No, I didn't kiss her. How old are you? I'm 17.

She's about 40. Should have put the Olympics on. Never mind. Look at that, Dan. Even the dog's walking out. Well, that was a lovely story, Brennan, and I enjoyed it a lot. And Leon, I don't know what to do,

but at least she's in a different country, bro. At least her dad can't come and collect her. Yeah. Is she in Dire Straits, though? Oh, God. One more. This is from Anonymous. I used to work at Pizza Hut

washing pots. And this snide cunt used to just get free McDonald's off my dad and now he's fucked off. He's aide cunt used to just get free McDonald's off my dad and now he's fucked off. He's a weird cunt. He used to wear these 40-inch pants and have stuff like Jeremy Beadle written on his hand.

Oh, fucking hell. Wag wag lids need some heavy anonymous advice for a clusterfuck of a situation. I've just found out from one of her mates that my girlfriend of almost four years has been cheating on me with a couple of lads, the most recent being a supposed mate of mine. She doesn't know I know yet,

but after finding out, I went and got myself checked at an SDI clinic as my bollocks have been killing recently and turns out this bitch has given me chlamydia so firstly how do i bring this up to my girlfriend that i know as well as um i'm sorry that i know as well as what do i do regarding the relationship and secondly do i tell my cunt of a mate that he probably has chlamydia nice one lads anonymous mate i don't know who you are and i've i've sympathy with the chlamydia because i've been there but the fact that you're like i just don't know what to do she's cheated on me with a few of these lads i've got chlamydia and all this time's

passed and i've still not confronted it. How have you not gone round? How have you not gone round? And gone fucking boolu. I think you need to save it and do something really bad. Really vindictive. Get like Hiv. Cut the brakes of it.

Sorry, what was that? Get Hiv. You've worn up to there. Pass it back. That is actually attempted murder yeah don't do that don't do that and now your mum knows you said that brevin um you need to do something evil and i think we need to help right well i literally cannot who has it would you not just go i'd go fucking skits as soon as I found out. It depends.

Like, I'm... Like, I haven't got the control. To sit there for a year and plan. A year? No, not a year, but it's... But the fact that he's found out and not instantly... I'd just run my stingy bollocks all the way around. Try your hardest, like, your damn hardest to shag your mum

at like a at a family event with chlamydia or is he going to wait till he's like clean yourself up oh don't give a mum chlamydia but at Christmas

just be like insanely overly flirty be like I'd shag your dad off for Christmas yeah at the dinner table yeah

go you're fit you just be flicking sprouts at her tits and that why Christmas because she's there making a family and then she goes what are you doing go you were shagging your flicking sprouts at her tits and that why christmas because she's there and it's yours what are you doing go you wish i can be best mate shut up you little lizard your mouth's getting full on like max branon yeah and then if a dad says something smack him give him chlamydia hiv neither no all right do you know what i'd go nintendo ds to catch

you want to catch them both in the act so i'd say oh no that'll break me out no you're not physically but like if you can extract his cum somehow right maybe a game of like soggy biscuit or something right and then you get that whack it up her right right then she gets pregnant there's a good plan so far and then she's going, I'm pregnant. And you know it's not yours, but you play along. Then it comes out, then you do Jeremy Kyle DNA.

It says, I knew it all along. Oh, Jeremy Kyle, you've got this. He honestly sounds so slow moving that he could end up raising this kid for like eight years. One day. What about faking your disappearance

and leaving a note that it was their fault? The submarine. What? Faking a disappearance. Just for a that it was their fault. The submarine. What? Faking a disappearance just for a couple of weeks or something. Right. Just leave a note

going, I know what you did. Leave your clothes. Leave your clothes. Fake a suit. Fake the clothes at the beach. Get on a canoe.

This is you. Go out into the sea for a couple of weeks. Yeah. This is such a left turn. This is some good advice here. Did you ever hear about the people in 9-11?

Adam? Very sad, wasn't it? Like that. Do a 9-11. Bomb some towers. And be like, it's because you get me clubbed in here. Like that.

No, there was some people who didn't die, but they just thought, my life's shit. And they fucked off to like Nebraska or somewhere like that. Yeah. So all the family think they were in it. And then they've just started a new life somewhere else move to nebraska so do that more so so far we've got wait till christmas ruin christmas day twat the dad

or give her hiv or extract semen and put it in her and raise the child but then on sports day be like i didn't win the race not even my kids and I've had chlamydia for nine years mental advice just fucking burn all these cunts off no because she

does something horrible to you there don't just walk away don't just walk away no do something horrible back little things poor

oh my god poor hair and cream and air shampoo yeah oh what a right I once... That is horrific.

Have you ever nared your balls? No. No. Put that in there. It's hot. It's like the hottest thing I've ever had on me. Like, stinging. Oh, really?

Yeah. Last time I was here, you, you know, you waxed my armpit. Oh, yeah? You were so annoyed about that as well. Yeah, waxed her armpit. I really waxed your arse. Yeah, that was great. I started shaving it now because of it. Good. It was? He was so annoyed about that as well. Yeah, wax her armpit. I really waxed your arse. Yeah, that was great. I started shaving it now

because of it. Good. It was better, was it? Yeah, actually nice. You really notice the difference with the sound of a fart, don't you, when you've... It's so loud.

Really like... Hair removal cream in the shampoo. Arsenic in the toothpaste. Yeah. HIV or Twatadad. It's one of them. Or move to Nebraska. It's more Nebraska. Either way, it's one of them or move to Nebraska

or Nebraska either way it's the worst thing she's ever done she's awful by the way yeah the mate as well what's he doing to the mate he needs something

you need to batter him yeah I think the chlamydia thing is enough just let him have chlamydia don't tell anyone yeah what can chlamydia do

long term make you infertile. Okay, that's a little harsh, isn't it? What does it do short-term? There aren't many symptoms, are there? No, that's why. It's a silent killer. Of future babies.

Of future babies, yeah. I've had the old clam dogs. Have you? Yeah. But what they do at the gum clinic is they test you and then they go, well, we'll give you results in a few days. And you get a letter through from the NHS saying you have an infection.

And so until you have someone go, yeah, you're dirtbag, you've got chlamydia in your mind, you are a thousand percent sure you've got full blown AIDS. Oh my God. And I think they do it on purpose. I think they're like,

cool, let's just sweat them out. Well, it's like the order of the, when you get a text, if you go in and they text you and they used to do it on purpose. I think they're like, cool, let's just sweat them out. Well, it's like the order of when you get a text, if you go in and they text you, and they used to do it and they'd go, so they'd go, thanks for coming to the appointment.

And then they'd go, AIDS, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and all the other things. And you're like, what? And then you scroll and it goes, you've got none of them. You're like, what? Turn that around, you bastards. I once went in because I had a rash on my knob. This is years ago.

And I was like, why is that? What's that doing there? So I go in and I had this guy who referred to sex as rumpy pumpy. We've been having a bit of rumpy pumpy. And I was like- He's so boss. This little bald fat guy.

He looked like the- So dumb. Yeah, him. So lies me down, gets me kept off, and it's really not coming out to play. Oh, it never does. I'm trying to get it out. Like, do you know when you try and get a cat out of a corner?

When you're like... And then he comes over and he goes, do you mind if there's three students here as well? Do you mind if they... So they come in and it's literally it's like that looks like a girl with social anxiety it's going fucking hell she beatboxing

and um he sort of has a little look at it and he goes what's he doing he kept doing that on it unscrewing a pen no he's just like rubbing it like that right

have you been having rumbi bumbi one two three four I declare a thumb war pity bumbi one two three four i declare a fun war pity me cut down one two three fuck um and then he goes what shower gel do you use and this is i'm about 23 and i said like uh you know like it wasn't even a nice one it was like them men sport yeah smell like socks it's like seven in one yeah two-piece as well yeah and it was that that gave me the rash and he went oh you just need to change your thing i'm great oh great there's an audience of four staring at my mushroom cock but what

are you doing with this it was just sort of just i don't know he felt quite nice we've just has everyone been sexually assaulted on this podcast today? I've never shown a professional mind. I don't think anyone's allowed to roll your dick around the thumb. You say that, right? Here we go. Get ready, Brennan's mum. Well, she was at the school. I thought she was at the fucking gum clinic with you. Is she the nurse?

So when I was at school, one of my best mates at school, dopey Luke, right? Nice lad. But he's like, I've known him. We were born in the same hospital, known him, our mum's best friends. But you could get him to do stuff. Like once I got him to sharpen his finger for 50p and he just did it.

And then he had to go to hospital. It's a different story. So about a year ago, we were just like talking about school. And I said, do you remember that day when we all had to go up this? So you had to go up this spiral staircase. And then there was this long bit. It was a few little offices and then a staff room. I said, do you remember when we had to go in there for like health checks?

And he was like, yeah. And I said, do you remember when that woman made us take our pants off? And he's like, no. And I said, honest to God, this this woman makes i swear to you because i remember what boxer shirt i had goofy boxer shorts on right and she she goes right okay now take so she's like check your temperature and that and then she's like right okay get your pants off and then she just she didn't do anything she just sort of like looked at my knob and went okay put your pants back on now no that no. And that's... Was she Northern Irish?

Yeah. She's like, go to sleep. You know what that's? But who do I... A very rare lady paedophile. She's a paedophile. You don't see them in the wild much. She sounds like a genuine paedophile.

Isn't it? Yeah, I think. What was her name? I couldn't even tell you what she looked like. I can just picture a woman you look like a tits I'll tell you what she tasted like it's like a male midwife

you don't see them very often like whiskey oh my god right okay so we've all been nonced I haven't I've never shown a professional my knob yeah Carl when you when. So we've all been nonced. I haven't. I've never shown a professional my knob.

Yeah, Carl. When everyone goes, we've all been nonced. I haven't. Sounds like a regression. But I've never had to like, oh, that was weird, wasn't it? I've never... There's only a handful of people

who've ever seen my knob. Yeah, but I've seen pictures of you as a kid. Not very fuckable. No, I'm happy. That's what you're meant to do. You've really... You're meant to be ugly in school. That's the cheat code. That's the thing. I was all right. Brendan was a hot as a kid. Not very fuckable. No, I'm happy. That's what you're meant to do. You're meant to be ugly in school. That's the cheat code.

That's the thing. I was alright. Brendan was a hot, hot kid. You're meant to be either ugly or basic in school because if you're fit in school, you end up getting hit with chairs and working in machis.

Yeah. It's a fact. All the good looking kids are all fucking nobodies now. And look at Adam. Looking beautiful. Let's face it, most meal replacements are rough, unsensitive stomachs. Not Sperry.

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vibe yeah i'll i think wallace is a let's not drink that a beautiful like so beautiful as a boy dog

yeah but he has got a feminine quality to it everyone thinks he's a girl listen i don't mean this disrespectfully he's pretty disrespect i don't mean it disrespectfully careful but then bitch is loaded though don't say yes if i was a single man taking him to the park would essentially be like shooting fish in a bottle why do you think i still share a dog yeah oh do you share you know what is that a myth because i've heard that before where you walk

around my dog no actually i, I could give you that dog and go to the park by mine. No, but isn't the only people who come up to you are other people with dogs and they tend to be already in relationships who own the dog. I don't actually think it's the most effective way of finding a single...

I've got Victoria's Secret models that are all over the gospel. Yeah, you get old women that dogs have died. You just want someone to look at it. Then you've got the vulnerability that you love, yeah. He's just a beautiful boy. That's a good looking dog. Yeah.

God damn, I love that dog. Last week, Janine said, I thought my dog was pretty, but he's an ugly little shit next to yours. Janine Haruni, ladies and gents. Dog lover. Charles Barkley.

Yeah, it's Charles Barkley. Oh, look at you. God, you're so in the industry, Steve. No, I've just met Charles Barkley. I'm a big fan of Charles Barkley. You love a dog though, don't you? I love a dog. So do I. Well, we you love a dog though don't you i love a dog so do i well we all love it i know what the implication was um love a dog hate a cat saw a cat today in

the tube with a in a bag like a see-through bag it was just in a rucksack and the cat was just there in the like an old sports bag yeah like a kind of bag yeah it was it was hang on like what like like like a rucksack which had a a see-through front oh like a little cat like a body bag yeah it was it was weird hang on like what like like a rucksack which had a a see-through front oh like a little the cat was just in there just like living his life

while she was navigating the central line it was uh yeah important business woman takes cat with her yeah that's London baby

I reckon I could kill a cat if someone no I've got a cat as well I'm not not your cat just a cat why

they're shit no they're not they are shit and i don't care about them no people are cats and dogs i'm a dog cedric is a cat i need why would you say that about your girlfriend she's a cat yeah that's a good thing no they're not they're fucking awful oh no cats i need constant affirmation like a dog and i love you no matter what but actually like fuck you and i love you when i want i'm a bald eagle But actually, fuck you.

And I'll love you when I want. I'm a bald eagle. Just suck that white spell. Don't you fucking dare. You're very dog-like. I feel like you need constantly, you're a good you. You're absolutely right. Come on.

I can see you. My leg's going. My leg's going. Come on, get this treat. Steve, are you dog or cat-like? I don't know. I'd like to think I'm dog, but maybe I'm not. Maybe'm like a little aloof cat sometimes

I think you're cat I think that's horrible but you might be right I do have a slight sort of loner energy that maybe a cat might resonate with oh yeah I get it I like that I think you're a cat dog cat dog

great show how old are you Steve sorry how old are you there you just turned 33 oh you can't he watched like fucking the archers and stuff on the telly back when he did

yeah he watched the radio show yeah that's all he had the clangers yeah where he was like yeah I don't yeah yeah I did Muffin the Mule Where it was like... Yeah, I don't remember. Yeah, yeah, I did.

Muffin the Mule? Yeah. It was exciting that the TV had been invented. There was some Gen Zers on the train on the way up and they were chatting about their favourite kids' TV shows and they were talking about Tracy Beaker. Oh, unbelievable. As if it was the most epic thing in the past.

I was like, Tracy Beaker, that was the back end of my childhood. Yeah, that was in my childhood. It really made me feel so old. They were going, oh, do you remember the dumping ground? I'm like, that was four years ago, mate. Oh no, see, it was the back end, but I loved it. You watched the sequel?

How old were you? The sequel? Yeah, the dumping ground was the sequel. I thought you meant Tracy Beaker 2. I thought there was a- No, there was a, so they rebooted it. After about 10 years, she came back as the person that looked after them.

She wasn't an orphan anymore. Well, she still was, but she- And she's not Miley Cyrus, is she? Is it? Oh no. She wasn't an orphan anymore. Well, she still was, but she... And she's not Miley Cyrus, is she? Is it? Oh, no. She wasn't an orphan? Is that someone else? Danny Harmon?

I think her name is. Oh, right, right. Tracy Meeker? Yeah, she had a mum. Oh, yeah, her mum was in Hollywood. That's the big giveaway. That's the tell. When someone's got a mum,

they're not an orphan. She had orphan energy. No, what? But she was in a foster home, wasn't she? Yeah, because her mum was a bitch. Her mum was in Hollywood. This is a kids' TV show where someone

was an orphan foster kid. Yeah. Yeah. Where was the joy in that? I had like, hey Arnold and our real monsters. Because you had all the fun with all the gang

and they'd all have like adventures and stuff. Where's me and Bloom? What, where like they're opening the letter and they're like, ooh, another parent that doesn't want me.

Not me. That was them storylines. No. Yeah, they'd go, oh, I'm going to marry you and meet my mum today and they'd get there and I won't be there and they're like oh another parent that doesn't want me that was really no yeah they go oh I'm going to my mum today and they get there and I won't be there

and they just go oh can I and that's like yeah and that was Tracy Beaker yeah and that's Miley Cyrus yes

yeah yeah yeah mad isn't it what a career she's had do you remember the demon headmaster yeah oh yes

scary as fuck did you watch that as a dad what when were you watching that do you dad? What? When were you watching that? Do you know Etta's six and not 26? I had this idea

do you remember the like Bernard's Watch and the Queen's Nose Queen's Nose I had this idea that imagine they'd made a TV show now 20 years later

and he's still got the thing and he's just stopping time and like fingering someone What have you been? Bernard's Watch It'd be so good How did that sitcom pitch

go I mean CBBC didn't want it guys got an idea

we've already got a fingering thing so we're not really gonna do another one you go behind a thing you

turn into a dog you just start nuzzling someone's tits off hang on if you have been as

watch you just start fingering people yeah you wouldn't just like do something fun first instantly if you had Bernard's watch you'd just start fingering people yeah well not just start the first thing you do you wouldn't just like do something fun first

instantly start fingering have you ever fingered someone mate yeah it's well fun how far into the show is this that you're I was gonna say like before the opening credits

so do you know how they do the opening scene it'd literally just be a close up on a watch and then yeah yeah yeah yeah and then it'd do the fun Bernard's watch the first be a close up on a watch and then yeah yeah yeah yeah and then it'd do the fun Bernard's watch

the first series is just Brennan getting all the fingering out of the way and then the second series is like when it really like yeah I'm robbing banks and that right

what would you do if you had Bernard's watch for a day right just talk me through Bernard's watch you can literally just stop time so it's a watch

you just pause it everyone's like that like the what was that challenge that everyone was doing mannequin challenge mannequin challenge and then you can like like ruffle people's air fingers right that's that's brennan's foreplay yeah yeah she's ready honestly it's so suspicious that you can pause time and you're like cool who's getting fingered who is getting fingered it's just getting boobs out you'd be getting boobs out before i mean before fingering hang on is this after you've

robbed the bank you can't rob a bank stop on time doesn't help you rob the bank how would you get in um where's got cash um petrol stations petrol stations fucking irol stations. Fucking outworking. Yeah, I film a car. Bernard's watch. I'm rubbing a petrol station. And I'm taking these soft mints. But you'd still be caught on the camera. No, you wouldn't. Why? Because the... Time stopped.

Time stopped. Time stopped. They're just... Am I right? The time codes would be off. Oh, so you can't get caught doing anything? Boobs. I mean, you can, DNA.

So I'd put a latex glove on before I'm fingering. This is so bleak. This is so bleak. Is it bleak? It's a yellow. I'm sorry, are you picking up your first yellow? I've never had one of them. That's the first yellow for Brennan?

Yeah, that's bleak. Is that really that bleak? Yeah. You're telling me, right? We shouldn't need to explain to you why it's bleak? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're telling me, right? Like, Kelly... We shouldn't need to explain to you why it's bleak, Brennan. Why stopping time

and fingering girls with latex gloves? It's a TV show. It's a TV show. That you have thought of. Yes! And also, I'm married, so I have to pause time and then finger my wife.

Well, you have to take your ring off. Oh, God. Yeah. Because then it's not cheating. Brennan, this will be two in three minutes. Yes, sir. Oh God. Yeah. Because then it's not cheating. But then this will be two in three minutes here so be careful. Genuinely,

how do you get financial gain from pausing time? Talk me through it. I want to know now. It's just cash. Yeah, but where do I, I don't even,

where are you going? Well, I'll tell you what you do. You could place, you could place bets, can you? You could be like, just before someone's about to score a goal,

you just pause it, put a massive bet on the goal going in. Or did Burners Watch have a thing where you could go back and forward as well? It's so working class. Right, you could go petrol station, finger someone, or go bookies. It pauses time and it's really, you know, you could save a life. How about that? You could travel the world just, and there's like a kid on the road and there's a fucking bus about to hit them and you could just say you could just move them slightly

start time and then finger them no that's the right thing to say right brother's just getting his fingers back no i want to put money but i honestly don't know in a cash told you petrol station oh i'm sorry which fucking petrol station are you going? That's cash only. What do you mean? No, when people go in and they pay like... Yeah, but you still... I'll tell you where.

You still need to get the... Chinese takeaway. Their machines are never working. So much so they've written it on a piece of A4 paper that's been there for four years. I'm going to pause time after six though. Because Mr. Woo's doesn't open for a while. Actually, the pedalo place I went to on Sunday,

that was cash only. What? So I'm going to pause time and hit a pedalo stand. Just ride around in it for an hour. Don't have to pay that five quid. Just running around, timeless, sexually assaulting people like, woohoo! And you're on pedalos.

I had a pedalo of my own in the river. Dogs are good though, aren't they? You know, that's what I was thinking. Dogs are good. So it's stopping time. Stopping time. Better than Bernard's watched the teenage years. Walking grey.

No, adult years, teenage years, it'd be wasted. Why? Because you'd be nicking cigs. That's all you'd be doing, nicking cigs. Were you a smoker as a teenager? No, but I used to sell them. So you'd get a pack of cigs. I'd nick them from my nan.

So you sold porn and cigarettes. Yeah. Wow. I just needed to buy that fucking watch. Go on. Steve needs to know when. When did you mention selling porn? Yeah.

I mean, it wasn't porn. We've had a whole hour of this bullshit before you got in. Right. Yeah. I used to rip the page freeze out of newspapers on my paper and sell them at school.

With bootleg sons. Yeah. With a bit of political info. And that's why he wants to finger everyone. Yeah. What was the Samyad talking about, kids TV? What was that? That was weird.

Do you remember the Samyad? What's Samyad? Sounds like an Israeli striker. Sounds like someone we're doing a benefit for muhammad samiad the samiad what's that what is it what how are you spelling it you can't be far off there he is five children and it bbc one 99 what the fuck is that yeah the samiad what is it what is that it was of, well, that's the new updated version. That's the HD.

It was like a sand goblin that you found on the sand and then you could ask it for a wish and it did. And what I'd be asking for. Let me finger you. And then it got tired and annoyed and sort of went,

and then went back into the sand. Is it like a Scouse genie? Fuck that lad. I'll give you three wishes, mate. It's like, please don't ask if you can stop time because too many girls have been fingered round that way.

If you had one wish, what would you wish for? One wish. From the semi-ad. And you can't wish for more wishes because the world blows up. So you can have one all-powerful... Just one wish and it happens.

Oh, what I I'd love to I can't soft means but I am I allowed to fuck with time

it's so hard I can't oh yeah because I'd like to be I'd like to be a six foot four mixed race guy no

no you know what I mean it's the same as my heaven everyone was like you can't be a different person in mixed race guy. No, no. You know what I mean? It's the same as my heaven. Everyone was like, you can't be a different person in heaven. No. If I die in this heaven,

I can be a six foot four mixed race guy called Jadavian. So you want to be a... I'm Samyad. Go on, wish. Hello, I'm Samyad. I'm bored of being a tubby, bald, 5'8 white guy.

So would I. What do you want? Can I be a six foot four? Yeah, there you go. Bosh. Now what do you do? Just confuse Laura. Yeah4 yeah there you go bosh now what do you do just confuse Laura yeah go on hello Laura

that's me imagine if I got home it's your voice though still yeah you can't be doing that as a 6'4 mixed race guy I'm not going to be like I can't change

you have to be like yeah yeah where you from I'm from Brisbane exactly that's what brings us down how bad would that be if i ever knocked on the door and i was like laura it's me and she was like thank god for that get in but it's the same cock but it's just mixed

race oh you evil sammy i would evil sammy ad I would rather there's always one I am not joking I would rather be me in this body with this cock than have to be a tall good looking fucking tight end

and then whipping this bruised piece of shit out it's the same dick it looks the same oh no not just be me you've wished it sir be gone can I you gone i'm back in the sand what's your sammy ed wish brother i don't know like because is it fingering

just like unlimited fingering no i think i'd go for it'd be nice to like go invisible a bit wouldn't it but that sounds bad now because it's I think I know what you're going to do right you have got all the daydreams

with 12 year old lad invisible post time fingering and invisible I see some boobies do you remember the film hollow man

no he was a man who could go invisible but he'd have to wrap himself in like toilet rolls so people could see him and um

that's how you could yeah he's the invisible man go on but there was one bit my dad used to burn DVDs and hollow man was one of them

and it come out and he the hollow man come I couldn't like and it just it was

it's stuck in my mind what are you wishing for it's just to be hollow man hollow man come hollow I couldn't, like, it just, it was, it stuck in my mind. What are you wishing for? Just to be Hollow Man. Hollow Man come. I don't want to be Hollow Man's come. Right. I remember on the film, he came and I just thought,

God, that looks fun. What DVD? Are you from a family of pornographers? What DVDs was your dad burning? No, it was a hit. It was like a Hollywood film, Hollow Man. And he jizzed? Yeah.

Into his own tissue suit? No, his tissue was off off so he was invisible and then just come come out midair what have you spent your whole life being sexually assaulted i feel like your dad made this film yes that's a film i mean it was a ropey version text message from his mom that is your dad there's a sequel kevin bacon oh of course it's kevin bacon he's a sex pest nailed on there you go that's when he's wrapped up oh my god yeah yeah i can see why you'd want to wish to be that guy not messing about just pull that picture up you've basically ended up being me before the jade avian swap steve what are you going for one wish remember these have all got downfalls he's gotta come when people see it that's your thing everyone's gonna have to see it no your thing is

no every time you come 10 people see i um i guess more like a superpower but i'd quite like the ability to know when anyone is talking about me oh my god like positive or negative like i'm not it's not it's not a completely narcissistic thing just get on it you'll be fine have you got google there's not enough more access what do you have google alerts on your name yeah yeah big time um and no but you know i just want someone if someone's remembered you from the past and they go no do you have a stupid idea that thing that's going to know when they've said that why i just it'll be nice to know it'll be it'll be nice to know. It would be nice to know. Do you get teleported there or do you just hear it?

No, you just hear it. It's like a little pop-up in your brain. It's so insane. It goes like Emma from year eight is talking about you. I've always thought about when Ross fakes his own death to see who comes. That would be good, I think. It would just be good to know how highly you're valued.

That's what I mean, yeah. Because you never you never know loved you until you die because you if you went during funeral you'd be like actually i'm probably a lot more popular i thought yeah and then you'd feel better about yourself oh you die you die sub 60 oh it's a big old funeral it's a good turnout and it and people would be fuming if you were like hey i'm alive i just wanted to see why are you only going why just go positive why the negative two that's a good point yeah maybe i have a setting where i could like because he's a comedian that's exactly how comedians the setting is no you can't you have to hear the negative well i'll take it because you know my self-esteem is it fluctuates so it'd be good to

have it you know constantly being barraged with abuse would you use use it though? Say like Brennan was like, I hate that cunt. Would you? Well, it'd be good to know if he's been saying that. We've recorded it in the first half. So you're fine. How sinister would that be though?

If a girl from year eight thought about you and then an hour and a half later, there was a ring at the door and you were like, ah, ah, ah. Hi.

It's mad that I'm here. Have you been thinking about it? I had a moment the other day as a festival and uh um this group of people asked me to take a photo of them so I took a photo holding my little last balance in my cup there right and uh the girl as I put the phone down she went um oh my god Steve Boucher and obviously immediately I was like well I've been recognized and then she went uh we went to see six form together and it was like this the hottest coolest girl from six form and i was like oh this is good look at me i've been she spotted me at a festival and then as i did it my cup just went all down i just spilled beer all over me and she then looked at me and went that's the most steve brugere thing i've ever seen you do oh i was like oh i just wanted to be the cool guy in front of the cool girl just once

that's the whole point of my whole career and then i had the moment and then she just went yeah you've got a vulnerability though girls like you well not when you come here mate they don't i don't think they love that 15 years later oh you've done a steve bouger that's the most steve bouger thing i've ever seen do you think you're going to be like this forever though because i've known you for like over a decade. I've got better, haven't I? I think I'm much more, I mean, you guys knew me when I was like 18, 19. I was much sort of more socially nervous.

Yeah, exactly. He hates social anxiety. It still comes out. I've still got it in me. You know what I mean? Like I have, I have. Sorry. He's the sad to be

stood up by a dog is a very Steve Bajet thing to happen trying to get vulnerable and Doug's like fuck off my little my little

thing's popping up going he's talking about you that dog hates you you guys are like best you were like in my head when you all came through

in Manchester because you were at uni in Manchester yeah and you all started out the same sort of era didn't you like one of our first gigs yeah pete otway you will duggan steve like yeah i saw you as like the the up-and-coming gang and you're all mates yeah and we all like looked up to you i remember once this is gonna be too sincere no we did but uh i did frog and bucket beat the frog which you used to host and it was like my first one i was so fucking nervous and i i think i did win it but a lot of my friends

were in and you you said to me afterwards and i was like i was just a bit of a nervous wreck and you went mate with writing like that you'll be able to go pro one day and i've never forgot it it made me so happy and i often think about that genuinely, I've never said that yet. And it really meant a lot to me at the time. Like I really, and I've been poor ever since. So fuck you. No, that's good.

I'm glad there's more of them stories than the people. Do you know when you really conned me off? Nobody thinks that of you. Well, you know what? Same week, and this isn't disparaging him, but it was the Wednesday,

Preston beat the frog. Chris Ramsey was hosting, and I died on my ass, and I was gonged off after like three minutes, and I was, you know, feeling like rubbish. He went back onto stage and went, that was fucking Shakespeare. And look where he is today.

I should have been well meaner to the open spot. If I was on Shag Maradon, I would have told that story. I'd have annoyed him when I told that story I'd have reversed it I would make no sense story about Dan Nightingale now Chris but yeah thanks for that mate

I've never really said anything no it was great it was a really nice it was a really nice era of Beat the Frog because there was just a really good gang of comics

coming through that clearly were doing like proper stuff and all gave a shit i hate when when like a new comedy scene gets really snipey and everyone's against each other and you were all mates and it's so shown yeah and we got into it like quick that like we were just like three gigs a week i think our first gig do you remember the lassa gowrie yeah it's all pub in

manchester and um i think the winner so everyone went up and did like five minutes and the winner won like maybe like 50 quid yeah and we were on the same one neither of us won and then someone won and the host emptied a bag of pound coins onto the floor and made him pick it up oh yeah do you remember that yeah i do remember that oh what a knob yeah that's really bad i don't remember who it was but it was an absolute no i remember that? Yeah, I do remember that. What a knob. Yeah, that's really bad. I don't remember who it was, but it was an absolute knob. I remember that game because it's the only time I did a routine,

God knows what I was thinking, about being in a human pyramid and pissing from the top. What? Being in a human pyramid and then pissing from the top. Just like needing a wee, getting to the top of a human pyramid

and then weeing myself. And I just thought that was the funniest thing. The audience did not agree. I i'd love to we did it once in lockdown me and ro got our notebooks out yeah and and it was like a challenge to just oh no we were doing new stuff but i also think there'd be something to get in old notebooks out yeah because i've i've been like i've i'm going on tour in the the end of august start of september and uh so i had to i've had to turn around a show so like fucked off smasher in november didn't do i haven't done any of that material again i have to put a new show together and i was like cool i've got a back catalog i'll

go through and i've managed to pull out some old stuff that i love and it's dusted up and it feels new yeah some of the bullshit that i've written down and weirdly i haven't got receipts for i haven't got receipts from last week like i i don't keep anything but i've got every fucking notebook from like like an insane like writing has never been my skill and at some point 21 years ago i went these will all need to be kept it's important historical documents some of the bullshit you write down ago absolutely fucking classic that'll work so well and then the first time you say i'll add you i don't know what happened i'm so sorry bring it in please bring a book in next week like an old notebook yeah yeah i've got some i've got some really old ones

i'll bring in the original ones have you got any old bits that died and you were like, that really should have worked and you pissed off that you can't use it, even though it was proper new? I've got bits that I just wasn't good enough to deliver. I think my problem was always like, my ideas were well ahead of my ability. Like, I would think of something really ambitious. And his modesty, that was also...

Yeah, I'm an arrogant piece of shit. No, it was an idea. I can't remember, you probably saw it. It was like the head and the heart talking to each other. Oh, yeah. And then the penis getting involved and then the guts like chipping in with decision making and i just couldn't deliver it i couldn't like i had all these writing and i couldn't and then once i gave it to my mate ian who's written much better at delivering stuff

and he just did it in front of me it's like my own routine back to me and it was it was just like good and i was like that's how it's a stand-up yeah he's telling oh he's telling so i was like oh you that's how you do it that's how that's how i should do my i can what. Oh, it's a standup? Yeah. Ian Sterling. Oh, Ian Sterling. So I was like, oh, that's how you do it. That's how I should do my, I can never replicate it. It's a very performative bit though, that, isn't it? Yeah, so performative. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think I could do it now either. I just can't. I get too embarrassed when I do an act out on stage. Also, when you like lean into a new bit and you go, this is four minutes long or whatever it is. Yeah. I remember once I just discovered who Jerry Seinfeld was.

Cause I used to think he was a politician right because he was on in the morning before like they put seinfeld on in the morning when i was going to school so i was like oh that's an adult thing and then one of us a politician with a sitcom yeah i just thought oh it's like i don't know he was always in a suit um and then one of our friends carl took me to go and see him and i was like oh my god and it's like brilliant like wordplay and things are things um so i wrote a thing and it was all about the words good and bad i was like i might be good but i also might be bad and if it's bad it's good and it's good and it's half good and fuck i looked down and i'd been done like 20 seconds of a four minute

bit and it was it was fucking rubbish it was so bad it was good and bad those bits where your mate's doing something on stage you're like oh i'm drinking this in i just i always i learned over time so if you've had an idea just quickly get it on stage keep it loose keep it conversational and you won't fuck it up by overwriting it like i was brutal i used to go right i'm writing a bit that's a good idea and then whoever i'd been watching would influence how i'd write it like if i'd watch john oliver or something yeah you'd be like god you've just done a shit writing impression of john oliver yeah yeah and then you start performing the new bit and you've made it impossibly hard to do whereas if

you just go oh this is funny and you try it on stage you actually give it a better chance of being funny because you get into the crux of it quicker yeah and then after that you can write it and you add in embellishments but whenever i did that thing of like this will be clever i'll write this and you're writing it for ages and then you've got to learn it and then you try it and it doesn't work you're like i've wasted so much time and some comics are more like they seep into your style like they're too infectious you know like so uh james j cast is the worst i think if i ever watched so many people they come out of the yeah and i i can't i just don't watch anymore because it affects me and i bumped into him on the tube before a gig once just chat chatted to him on the tube

for about five minutes, honestly on stage. I was like, JJ Castile, I was like, that's insane. Like I can't, I can't be near that man.

Yeah, he's got a unique style, wasn't he? Do you two ever think about like, because obviously when people start doing standup, you just go, right, well,

I'm going to have to tell a story or do a thing. Do you ever go, what would you do if you had to do that one minute oh he's well if it's written by you and adam carl's going to do 10 minutes what when we're 30 000 patrons i want to do 10 minutes but it's written by dan and adam sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod and make my dreams come true but if you were to choose um let's say three

minute bit well we're writing it for the Patreon special that we're recording and he Carl's just got this really good new bit about pissing on the top of a pyramid I think he's gonna go pretty well sounds good

and bad you've gotta get on all fours mate it's very performative I don't know Finn have you got any in your head Finn's fucking

leather wildlet yeah I think I'd probably do some Welsh like real or turkey based stories probably Finn, have you got any in your head? Finn's fucking leather wild letter. Yeah, I think I'd probably do some Welsh, like real or turkey-based stories, probably. Get this, by the way. When he lost his virginity, first time, an hour and a half shagging.

No cum. And she came multiple times? 17. Did she? That's what I said, but he said yeah. She said she did. He said yeah. That's not who I'm asking, really, is it?

I'm not ringing her. You sound like a live version of some of those have a words, or, you know, when people write in, they're like, lads, have a word with me. I'm fucking too many birds, and I'm knackered, because all these ladies want a bit of this. I don't think I've ever made up one of the stories I've told on here.

They've all been true. No, Finn, I truly believe you. That's why people love and fear you because who comes out on the hour and a half sex sessions yeah if you could on it if you had made up these stories about year nine at hill high school then you should be writing scripts because it's incredible creative writing well i believe there's probably there's more they'll come out eventually. I think you'd be, I think you'd find it,

Carl doing stuff that would be impossible because I know what not to do, but that doesn't mean I know what to do. I just know what shit. You've got to move that mic stand out the way. Oh my God.

You know too much. I know. I think you'd be good. You'd be, I think you'd be, you'd be massive. I would hate myself because I wouldn't be as good

as all my friends who are an incredible comic. That makes you a perfect comic because we all hate ourselves. And we're all jealous of the people around us. And we're all threatened by our friends. But also, to be a comic, you have to fuck it up for a while. Exactly, yeah. And I just think it...

I couldn't. Yeah, I just think you... I couldn't do it. I could never do it now. I'm two... I'm ten years past it. Oh, I couldn't start now. Even though you started at 18,

I couldn't start at 18. Yeah. 18, 19. Yeah. I was 24 and I was like, why was I hanging around with an 18 year old? I was an idiot.

I like the old dudes. They're my favourite. The ones that come in at 60. I just love them. I love them. I'm like, how have you, I don't know how you've ended up here.

Yeah. Like from the first Beat the Frogs I was doing, there'd be, and it wasn't every gig, it'd maybe once a month, you'd have a 60 year old who was like, well, she's left me and I'm doing this. My dog died, so I might as well fill the time somehow. And I love him. Is there anybody who's done that and come in and gone,

oh shit, you've actually got something. Jeff Innocent. Did he come in late? Jeff Innocent was a late into stand up yeah yeah yeah so Jeff Innocent is what 60 odd

and my guess 70s right my guess and I you'd have to I don't know I'd love to get Jeff on this fucking podcast

I think he's been going a year or two more than me bloody hell really that's it yeah you know he's massive on Instagram now

oh he's just blown up because he's fucking brilliant yeah he's the best amazing thing about the internet is no one has to there's no people decided who goes up he's so good uh shout out to the lad who came and got a selfie so we were at hot water together about a month ago jeff was opening uh rob mulholland was in the middle and i was closing it was a thursday night and jeff was there all week and i was just doing the one night and because of have a word and because of our connection like the lids and and hot water like so many of our lot go and watch comedy at hot water and i've got very used to getting recognized at hot water it's just par for the course even more so adam and then obviously even more so paul smith but as soon as

i'm there i'm almost waiting for someone to go dan fucking can we get a picture and i will do it forever like never worry about asking me for a selfie because i remember when no one gave two fucks so me and jeff were talking and this guy was like coming up and doing all the sort of positions and then just went, can I have a picture? And I went, yeah. So I went to go forward. He was like, thanks, Jeff.

We really love you. And I was like, oh no. So I was like, it was such a good moment. I was like, cool. So I took the picture. He was like, oh, cheers, mate. I was like, nice one. That's how good he is. Some 18, 19 year old kid. And I would have put cool. So I took the picture. He was like, oh, cheers, mate. I was like, nice one. That's how good he is.

Some 18, 19-year-old kid. And I would have put my fucking house on them being a patriot. Was like, that guy who's nearly, I'd guess he's 65 odd or whatever. He's such a fucking good comic. But I think he was late on starting. There's a guy at the moment who's,

I think, a retired doctor who's doing who's doing stand-up has gone come through come through beat the frogs there's something about the ones who start later who kind of need it a bit more like you know the ones who like got a bit more to lose you know you're like 14 you've got a family yeah yeah i'm gonna give stand-up a go yeah and they really gotta get good quick because i was like they're really they're letting down their entire we were just fannying around and yeah you've got no dependence we talked about it on the last patreon with that with ishan it's way easier when you're young to be like i'll just try this yeah that didn't work and like it doesn't matter as much you've got no but i think like

and then there's the guys who've got families and mortgages and shit like that yeah i love the i'm 65 and i want to get out of the house i love it it's just a weird lane of like amateur comedy did me and adam book you for our gig i'm sure we did but we didn't end up putting it on right because you because it was you brennan pete that group of comics who were kind of the trio yeah around the same time the trio we were a trio anybody else in that in that your class yeah will duggan will duggan yeah yeah there you go um but we used to spend quite a lot of time writing just playing fifa yeah going to gigs hanging around gigs remember that basement you just come hang out in my basement i used to live in this basement

flat and it was so bad for me like the lack of light like people in the ukraine would be like hanging around gigs. Remember that basement? You used to come hang out in my basement. I used to live in this basement flat and it was so bad for me. Like the lack of light. Like people in the Ukraine would be like, no. Like it was dreadful. It was so bad. It was like,

je suis si non. Are you definitely Ukrainian? Yeah. I'm from the French quarter of Kiev. It was my first flat at uni and I was like, oh, this is it. Me and my mate living together

and it's the you would come around and i'd just be so sad because i hadn't enough sunlight you don't but you don't know at the age of 21 that you need sunlight so you just sit in this darkness you must have ended up in my bunker in didsbury a few times yeah do you remember when i had that i had a basement flat and uh same thing she showed me around and she was like well this has just come down 25 pounds a month so what it is a bit of an option because no one had lived in it for six months. The back bedroom had damp.

It had bars on the windows. This is like yours. It was so bad. Freedom! I fucking loved it. You just don't realise you need light. Like the first time,

that was a bleak year. Me and my mate Andy lived together. We had no friends in Manchester. I made some comedy mates, but not many. We got addicted to eating custard creams.

Addicted? Honestly addicted. Crushing them up. Addicted is the right word. We'd get for a pack a night. He'd go teaching. He'd go teaching in the day. I'd wait for him

at home. Just wait. You open the custard creams without me. Sometimes I'd start them before he got home. We knew we had got our hand where it got to 11pm at home. We're just waiting. You open the custard creams without me. Sometimes I'd start them before he got home. We knew we had got our hand when it got to 11pm at night.

We'd already had a pack. And we said, let's go out and get another one. We went to the local petrol station, the little SO garage. That's where you want to go?

And we fucking had to ask the guy through the window to get us some custard creams. That is the bleakest. It's weirdly emasculating, isn't it? Could you go and get me, a grown man, get another grown man to go and get him custard cream?

The double pack. We'll get through those every night and then that night when it really, when we had to go and get help, we did two packs. Were you doing them dry? Were you having like a... No, we've seen... You dunk. You dunk them. You put mayo on them. But you've got them with a drink, haven't you?

No. You dunk. Creams in them. No, but you've got oven with a drink, haven't you? No. No. You dunk. Cream's in it? No, if you have more than three without a drink, you're going to be like, your mouth's going to be all dry.

Give me three custard creams right now and I will smash the fuck out of all three. By the way, bourbons are better. No, they're not. No, they're not.

No, they're not. They are. I like a custard cream. You know, whatever. But I'm picking a bourbon every day. Bourbon's got that weird sugar on top

those little granules it tastes like grandma's fingers it's horrible it's disgusting stop eating your grandma's fingers now give me bourbons

all day mate well you know what I have to have bourbons because I've now found out I'm severely lactose intolerant of course you are I think the custard creams might have played them wrong

I think I think taking a pack a night might have if you've never seen Steve Bugey before I think, I think, sort of, taking a pack a night might have, might have caused. If you've never seen Steve Bugey before, I think we've all got,

you must by now have worked out that she's like, listen, I got, it got pretty bad. I was living in a basement flat and me and my mate

were addicted to custard creams and it was out of hand. I was seeing a therapist for a while. Amazing. That's a leash rockstar. I think that is the least rockstar thing

to ever meet. It's one of the lowest moments of my life. You'd come round, he'd be there. Just imagine the feeling of two 21-year-old lads getting back into their flat at like half 11 at night with another pack of custard creams. And you were living near the student area.

There was things going, you could have gone to Revolution. Stuff we could have done, but no one we knew. And we were just on our own dunking custard creams and that is when how bad would it be if you if you went in a shop and the dude was like that's enough yeah no more just looked at a picture of him on the wall i'm so sorry anything with cream in it oh god it was bad this i mean i don't know whether you'll appreciate you telling this. We don't come out great in this.

Oh, I don't. What story are you going to tell? What story are you going to tell? Give me the headline. It would be... Give me the headline. It was a gig. Is it biscuit based?

It was a gig with me. Is it Freshers Week? You. It could have been Freshers Week and Deliso Chiponda. No, you shouldn't tell the story. I should though. I should know.

Deliso Chiponda, the only African comedian in comedy, go! I would like to be the veto. What's the policy on stories? We can say it and I'll cut it out if it's bad. No, you can't. Don't give him that. No, no, it's like... I mean, it's not that bad. I don't think it's that bad. Yeah. You know what? It is around the same time as the

custard cream it's around that cut time so you're in peril you like you could be through rehab you were in a dark place it's very dark no windows i should also say i now still live in a bedroom with no windows i haven't learned my lesson what yeah you live in an easy hotel no i live in a fucking basement flat in brixton but he's moved on he's moved on to pink wafers so it's things are different tell the story oh

I was trying to change the topic I don't think it's that bad no it's not that bad but you were what 21 yeah I would have been 22

35 86 so we've done this gig it's like freshers week we're having a nice time and then after the gig's finished no one wants to talk to us so i leave steve leaves and i'm driving home and then i get a phone call from steve bejea and he goes delisa was just rung and there's some girls that want to hang out with us i have never pulled a handbrake turn in my life

but i fucking did it on a dual carriageway. I was literally like, by the time I'm there, you're already waiting. We're both panting just with excitement. I'd also gone home. You've gone home as well. I'd gone home to my basement. You custard creeps.

I was about to open a fresh pack. So we're both there like, okay, where are these girls? So we meet some girls. Some context also, this wasn't a thing that regularly happened it wasn't this was like yeah it was like oh my god like yeah people actually want to talk

to us yeah not for you but for me it was like that go on so deliso's there talking to two girls and then we turn up and the girls are more interested in us yeah which is great so then we're chatting with them we have some drinks and then maybe an hour later we go back to their halls but their halls and their rooms are right next to each other like is it and you know what halls are like yeah they're thin walls yeah this story's so bad so i go in to my room with one of them and we have a kiss and a cuddle and then we have uh sex oh yeah sexual sexual intercourse with each other let's say this lasts 20 30 minutes. Ooh. Yeah, let's say that. Let's say that, Sharon.

I was there, mate. I was in there for enough time and then I left. And as I'm leaving, I could just hear through the wall, so, what do your parents do? We were getting on It's a polite question to ask Is this pre or post sex?

Is this I didn't have sex with her I was chatting to her About her background And where she was from That's lovely. So nice. Such a nice guy.

I love the fact he was worried about it. He's like, don't tell that one. It's really nice. Follow up question. Have you got any biscuits? Oh my God. It's just bleak that I like changed the whole plan of my night to go back and then just chat to this girl.

We were just young. And then you got stuck in the halls, didn you had to climb a fence you had to push a bin to a fence to climb a fence after finding out her dad's an architect have you seen this podcast before how did you like this is a bad one i honestly like this body's so bad in my head i was like if this is deliso based this could go so wrong he's basically just going these are two ladies they're interested in you and that's the end of me in this story oh my god no i just feel a bit icky about the whole thing but you've had sex in the past not that night but yeah yeah yeah anyway yeah you were it was nice girl let's have a break

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plus all the essential nutrients for sustained energy. Try Sperry and get 15% off at sperry.ca with code PODCAST15. Sperry. Trust nature. We are back, section four of... Part four of four! Part four of four! Here with comedian Steve Bougier and comedian friend Brennan Rees.

You're also a writer though, aren't you? Because you've written a sitcom. Yeah. Yeah, I've written two series of a sitcom. And acted in it. And he was in it. And I was in it. I know, I'm just saying.

Do you know what his character was called? Steve. Finn. Finn. Really, yeah? Yeah. Was it inspired by anyone? We needed a name that sort of oozed beta male.

And that's what we were up for. That checks. But you're also a stand-up, Steve. I'm a stand-up. And you're going to the Edinburgh Comedy Fringe Festival. Yeah, I'm going to the Fringe Festival. I'm doing a show. Not doing your script there, right?

Sorry, go on. When, where, what's it called? How'd you get tickets? Monkey Barrel at 5pm every single day in August. It's called Steve Boucher, Self Doubt, open brackets, I think, close brackets. Please buy some tickets. Buy loads of tickets. You've got loads of Edinburgh followers, haven't you? But you don't, do you actually want people to buy loads of tickets or do you want everyone

to buy the amount that, do you want more audience or do you want more tickets? Oh no, I want more audience. I want loads of people to buy loads of tickets or do you want everyone to buy the amount that, do you want more audience or do you want more tickets? Oh, no, I want more audience. I want loads of people to buy individual tickets. Okay. Please, yes. It's 5pm as well, so I think it's a good slot

because obviously, I'm not your main person. You know what I mean? Like, you want to go and see your favourite at 8, 5, I'm just feeling a lovely little gap there. Oh, 100%.

I had a tea time show for three years on the bounce. Oh, it was lovely. Yeah. No one's too pissed. Everyone's like, I've got tickets to so-and the bounce. Oh, it was lovely. Yeah. No one's too pissed. Everyone's like, I've got tickets to so-and-so. It's like a bonus.

You're just a bonus to the, they're going to see, you know, Ed Gamble, but that you get to just be a little trailer, a little fluffer. Yeah. Take it.

I'm excited. Yes. The link will be in the episode description. It's how you spell my surname as well. That's always a nightmare. Bugger jar. Bugger jar. Bugger. P-U-G-E-J-jar. It's how you spell my surname as well. That's always a nightmare. Bug-a-jar. Bug-a-jar. P-U-G-E-J-A.

Where's that from? Malta. It's very common in Malta. It's like, it's like Smith over there. But, not here, sadly.

Do you remember when you were going to change your name to make it so people could spell it? Yeah, which actually I should have done. The first,

maybe, months of gigs, I called myself my middle name and I couldn't bear spell it. Yeah, which actually I should have done. The first maybe months of gigs, I called myself my middle name and I couldn't bear hearing it. It was out loud. It was Steve Charles, which is also a snooker hall in Manchester. And every time I got brought on stage,

it'd be like, welcome to the Steve Charles. I just like, oh, I just feel sick inside. So I went back to Steve Boucher. Because you're going to be like Stevie Bug at one point. Stevie Bug. Yeah, I could have gone like Stevie bug at one point. Stevie bug. Yeah. Bug. I reckon that would have been a good compromise,

but Jake bug was quite big at the time. And I don't want to look like I was just taking his name, but as he sort of petered out. So yeah, you've, you've outlived Jake, but I've not, I've not reached the heights of Jake bug,

but I've definitely, he's just still alive though. I'm sure he's alive. I'm sure he's doing well. I saw him last year. Did you? Yeah. Where was he? Supported Jedi cinnamon. Yeah. But he just got one album and that's the way he's still alive though I'm sure he's alive I'm sure he's doing well I saw him last year did you yeah where was he supported Jedi Cinnamon

yeah but he just got one album and that's what he's doing okay he's Swedish does everyone know about your name or not is that a private secret thing

no it's not I can't I know your first name because I had to ask at lunchtime me thinking you calling you that makes me sick. It makes you sick?

If I said that name and you were like, When I hear people call you by your actual name, I honestly am like, who are they talking to? Fuck Sticks McSwankles. It's a weird one. Reese. Fuck Sticks McSwankles Reese. It's such a...

So you were called Paul Brennan, and then when you registered at... On the nonce register, they went, that name's taken, mate. Unity. Equity. Unity. Equity.

So I left drama school. You're a rail worker. Yeah. And that's why you're here. Look around, look around. McGlinch was like, no, you can't have that now. So no two actors were allowed the same name. And there was a man called Paul Brennan

who was about 70 odd. So as a kid, I knew he existed because I used to get sent his checks from when he was on the BBC. Because when I was like a kid actor, and the two names must have been on the same database. So I used to get sent like thousands of pounds.

And mum would just put it in your account and they might ask for it back and they never did as well as fags and pornography i was a rich fraud yep you just stole this man's money you dodgy little and then on my 18th i sold this watch i have been so rich ever since is he dead now i don't know because statue of limitations you're fucking in the clear mate yeah but do you want me to go back to pal no i mean all the money you've stole yeah he died because he couldn't afford any food because I don't know. Because Statue of Limitations, you're fucking in the clear, mate. Yeah, but do you want me to go back to Paul? No, I mean, all the money you've stole off him. Yeah, he died because he couldn't afford any food because he wasn't getting any checks. Well, he was getting my acting things

and they weren't going through. So you went, mother's maiden name and then everyone can get in your accounts now. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, just add 08 on the end of that with an exclamation mark and you're in. But yeah, I should have gone stage name

do you reckon Steve Charles would have been better what was what's your mum's maiden name Watts Steve Watts

so you would have been Bujea Watts Bujea Watts yeah using your model yeah using my model I'd have been Nightingale Sharples

have you not been listening no Finn just went don't say that it's just a joke oh I missed it sorry I was googling Paul Brennan

I've sung that don't tell anyone his past words how joke oh I missed it sorry I was googling Paul Brennan I've sung that don't tell anyone his past words how many thousands of pounds did you embezzle from this poor gentleman at least five grand yeah

as a kid as well I think you're in the clear now that's gone that's gone is statue of limitations an American thing that you've seen on American television

yeah take him to American court you'll be alright yeah yeah you're safe in America don't worry shall we do some under be over it yeah yeah you're safe in America don't worry shall we do some underrated overrated

yeah yeah we're gonna explain to Steve how to play he is a grown man and he's quite intelligent no

you have to explain how to play so I'm gonna say something yeah and as innocuous and pointless as it seems we go in the paint

one way or the other underrated or overrated and then less fun is it's just rated yeah innocuous and pointless, as it seems, we go in the paint one way or the other. Underrated or overrated? And then, less fun is, it's just rated. We're going to do this... This is rated exactly the way it should be rated. We're going to do this speed round, because we've got a whole swathe. Oh, nice.

Swathe. Good word. Yes. Bidda, bidda, bidda, bidda, bidda, bidda, bay. Okay, so cheap and greasy as fuck independent chicken shops mine is scunthorpe is fried chicken aka sfc so that's from someone who's had the name deleted but right now you're like no i've written in from scunny um only good if you're really drunk like if you actually look at the food it's not yeah the skin's wet yeah it's not good no one

wants wet skin no i went i went to morley's chicken on the way home the other night sober and uh i regret it so bad like i mean i ate it all but i regretted it as i was eating it and the bones why are they always black and there's too many bones as well snap yeah there's more bones in the chicken than there should be in the chicken can i just say though there are these amazing anomalies nabsies where someone there's a take there's takeaways in certain places where it is a cheapy greasy takeaway but they're just good chilies near the frog shout out as if um i going to say overrated overrated well overrated

yeah just with a slight asterisk for the occasional one if you're bladdered yeah it's good but you could say that

about anything yeah you're right you know actually sometimes when you're gigging away you're like I just need some scrum and it's right there

that is regret four out of five times yeah you should just be getting a chicken shish kebab every time that is true you never regret one of those always trust the shish always talking finn's language now because he's turkish because he's turkish

duncan sharp says a completely clean inbox with nothing unread that is nice that is nice oh well i don't think I can say that unfortunately. Yeah. What's your, should we compare? Mine's quite low. What's your inbox on? 191.

Let's have a game. Is high good or low good? What? You've got 191. Unread. Mine is, mine is disgusting. My phone is just numbers.

I'm embarrassed to say what mine is on. I've got, are you messing? Numbers everywhere. Mine is so bad. I'm embarrassed to say what mine is on. I've got... Are you messing? Numbers everywhere. Mine is so bad. Everyone say their Instagram notifications. The DMs.

How many have you got on the arrow? Oh, Instagram? On the Instagram arrow. Oh, no, I deal with them ones. How many have you got? Oh, right now... Zero.

Right now, eight, but... Eight? But it's more than eight. It's probably about 70 because it... We refresh after a week. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, Gmail. Right, Gmail. Okay, ready? Go. but it's more than eight it's probably about 70 because it it'd be refreshed after a week no gmail right gmail okay ready go unread unread gmail up three three and that's been since i've been in here will's got 2160 okay i've got i've got 11 211 what are you talking about I can raise that just about

11,842 do you know you can mark all as red you know that I know I've heard there's like you can put like

inbox semicolon no you literally just go on are you on an iPhone yeah you can go on your mail app go on edit top right

no I'm on the gmail app though oh you can select all and then mark as mark we can talk about how do you get through the day we're absolutely in the weeds on this what brendan's right i've got 37 unread whatsapps what people are you not reading whatsapps because of that many people loads of people message me so they all get buried it's cool, it's not cool. It's not a reply. My actual mail app on Apple has got 39,302. 39,000.

Steve, you give off the air. I know. Of a man who has a clear inbox. Well, you say that once. Yeah, I do give off that. I went to go and say with Steve, I can't remember where, maybe like London.

Like London. He was staying at his girlfriend's at the time and his room. Oh, yeah. I just had to I did a deep clean well not even a clean it was a tidy it was like but it was a four-hour tidy because it was a fucking bomb I'm not I am a lot better than uh than I was but now it doesn't matter I've got my window you can't fucking see anything in there so it can be as dark as you want do you know what the worst thing was when I cleaned that room right It took me ages. Put all the books in,

like, colour coordinated, all that, sorted out really nicely. And then I picked up a beanbag and the bottom fell out and all the tiny bits went everywhere. And I just fucking screamed in your house and no one was,

I just went, rah! Did you have to clean it up? Yeah. Oh, you're so cute. I remember that beanbag. Yeah. There's my Gmail inbox.

How many? Five. 500. Man's all like, there's a lotmail inbox how many five five on red mine's all like and I there's a lot in there though what do you mean that's all red

oh fine mine's all I've got one off Matthew Dowdy but I don't want that one mine's all just spam art of football yeah a lot of mine I answer my junk every day

Joe it's good yeah but what do you do with your gmail it's a simple pleasure it's my last email it's a simple pleasure I open to my junk every day. George Gordon. Yeah, but what do you do with your Gmail? Here's a simple pleasure. That's my last email. Here's a simple pleasure. Hang on.

My last email is advertising a gig you're on, Brennan. At the beer killer. Simple pleasure. Going on an un... He's got the music playing. Makes me want to do pills. A simple pleasure is having an unsubscribe spree. Oh, yes.

When you go and you go, like these people have been in my free, just bam, unsubscribe. And you do like 50 of them. That feels lovely. It's so nice. Beer 42, whatever they're called. Yeah, Beer 52.

They used to give us money. Another one I like doing is a whole password change on everything. So you know what password you're on. You just go for all your accounts. Change, change, change, change, change. There's a master password that could bring you down. Yeah, there's just one. Or Dashlane.

Can I just say? What's Dashlane? After we've just all said our maiden names we all have to do that LastPass It's basically our maiden name No you suggested password on Google

What about this for a simple pleasure just raising two beautiful children and like building a home with your wife That's nice Just knowing

that you're just you're part of this amazing family unit It's just such a simple pleasure Fingering with latex gloves on Yeah Wallace He, fingering with latex gloves on. Yay!

Wallace! He loves fingering, does Wallace. I've never heard a dog say Amen! Amen, motherfucker! We're still doing underrated, overrated. Don't fucking... Just because you know I love the jingle, don't be simple pleasuring me. But it was. Shayab Alam says, adult scooters. Underrated,

overrated. Underrated. Sounds sexy. Depends when you're on them. Like, if you're on it, it's actually the best one. Are we talking the motorised ones? Yeah. But when you see someone on it, god, I want someone to fall off. Yeah. If I drive and I hopefully die, but if I'm on one, I'm hoping I'll have fun. Canned cocktails.

Shayab Alam says, canned cocktails. I can't say I've ever had one you know I'd say a bit overrated they're never very good yeah you're right they're again the little pink jeans

yeah who was the woman who got fucked by Mojito who was the politician fucked by Mojito Diane Abbott Diane Abbott she what

she got fucked by Mojito no metaphorically she was she was drinking her Mojito on the London Overground and she got given a court order or something like that. That's the worst thing ever when everyone's on it.

Yeah, but Diane Abbott's a badass man. She's a backbencher. She just mixes it up. She gets a mojito, brings down a government fucking... What is backbench? It means you're an MP, but you're not part of the government or the shadow cabinet. Oh, so you're just like freewheeling?

Yeah, you just go... They're in the party, but they sit on the bank. They sit physically. Back of the bus rules. Oh, so you're just like freewheeling? Yeah, the ones who fall asleep. They're in the party, but they sit on the bank. They sit physically. Back of the bus rules. Cool kids. Diane Abbott.

That's what Jeremy Corbyn was for years. And then the whole party went renegade. I went and watched the House of Parliament the other day. You can watch it. Yeah, you can watch it from the public viewing gallery. I took a girl to watch you big sexy bastard nothing's changed such a bad date idea nothing's changed no but you know what because this girl was like oh think of something original for our day and like it's like a dates arms race out there

like you've got to think of more and more original stuff you know like people are going axe throwing people are going pizza making i went too far i couldn't see the wood for the trees and i took i took her to the public viewing gallery of the house of commons and we sat in silence we got there and and you go through security pmqs no it wasn't even it wasn't it wasn't even a main event it was like a farming subsidy debate it was half attended and i it was so bad nothing kills sexual tension like being fucking two chevrons away from Jacob Rees-Mogg. And I was there just like trying to flip in, you know, keep the date alive.

There's no drinks up there. He's just sober in the, you know, looking down. No, a can cocktail. So what do your parents do? It's not BYOB, you know? You can go and watch court. That'd be better. You can go in and watch a court case.

Yeah, you have to just check the docket before you take a date in there why? what's the case that's being tried you picked the best one

yeah okay cool you don't just go cool pick a number between one and five in we go court four yeah

speed round I can talk about it when I'm back Michael McCarroll says we just had to cut someone out oh no I'm so sad

a suggestion for overrated underrated the new rappers for Kit Kat bars ever since they changed from paper and foil

rappers I'm curious to know what the lids think he's so right he's right I used to love pressing down on the top and getting the little

Kit Kat indent and then snapping it and having, oh. It's special. Running your thumbnail through the middle and breaking it. Simple pleasure. No, I like it. Because when you buy a four, you can just have two, put it back.

Three. You eat two and put it back. Hang on, hang on. What? So you like the normal, the new plastic? I like the new one. Oh, no. That fuck that was hard for the phone.

Fresh, very fresh. Fuck off. And in other countries, they have different, they have mad flavours. Japan has them. the new plastic I like the new one oh no that fuck that was hard for the phone fuck off and in other countries they have different they have mad flavours Japan has the mad really sick that's the most

they have the the matcha one is insane Kit Kat Kit Kat over here has gone pretty renegade yeah

there's like Oreo and stuff like that mate salted caramel is such a sweet two thing I've got a new favourite chocolate bar oh yeah

it's dairy milk with crunchy bits in it. Is it the Crunchy Rocks? No, they are. They're like crack. They might be the greatest thing God ever invented. Why is there not that as a bar? There is. I've just said it.

The Crunchy Bar. I'm confused now. It's a big bar of dairy milk and it's got that inside. Where can I get that? There's a telly on our table for some reason, but you need to take them down. Steve's in a meeting with the...

He's doing a meeting, but it's the loudest thing ever. Yeah, he's being too loud. Can I just say someone's lactose intolerant? This whole section has been quite triggering for me. You know your chocolate bar? Listering your chocolate bar. Mate, can I just say, I've recently found out I'm lactose intolerant as well,

and it's one of the worst things that's ever happened. Have you got the pills? What? I told you about them on holiday. Lactase pills? It'll change your life, mate. I did. I sent you the link.

Is it like PrEP? What are you talking about? Everything you needed for it, I sent you the link. I was like, here's where you buy them, here's where you get it, and you just ignore this. You just get them on Amazon,

and it gives you the lactase to digest the lactose, so you're fine. So you're having lacto? Yeah, but you can't, like, I don't take the mick. You know what I mean? I have a few pills. You can't then, like,

have a pizza. That's a bit much. But you could have, like, a chocolate bar or something, maybe. Right. Cool. Thanks, Steve. Thanks for that recommendation.

I wish someone had told me about it. But I'd five years without them, so I know what it's, you know, it's hard. Talking of dairy milk with crunchy bits, have you ever had an island where you're going to go?

Oh, Tato. No. Yeah, it's Tato. No, it's not Tato. It is. It's chocolate with crisp in it. It's not what I'm trying to say. Well, that's better than it. I mean, they're nice, though. The mint one with crunchy mint in. Oh, you sexy bat. Unbelievable. Do you know what? We'll go Ireland.

Get the watch on. I'm going on Thursday. I'm going on Thursday. So what's it called? Mint crisp. Yeah. Oh, mate. And Tato. Tato is chocolate with crisp, isn't it? Shout out Kieran Barlett, I'm going on first so what's it called um mint crisp yeah it's oh mate and tato tato is chocolatey crisp isn't it shout out Kieran Barlett who's sponsored by

fucking tato's it's one of the best things I've ever seen yeah just it's so beautiful um Finn Grossfields

says is he that's my parallel universe twin yeah is it yeah Grossfield

uh underrated overrated cold showers oh i do every morning i'm one of those wankers yeah every morning 30 seconds just blitzer like normal shower cold shower cold shower at the end coach at the end yeah that's the yeah and then walk out you can't go back to hot you've got to come out on the cold why because i'll undo the coldness i think i don't know why do you get what does the cold do oh just like uh it gives you a rush you know just like a euphoria it's meant to be so good for you euphoria ever had a coffee yeah i've had one but honestly cold

shower it's starting to wear off that when you start doing it it's honestly a game changer then you need to go harder and harder it's like custard creams you need to take more and more so to get the same kick so i so i've heard people just go all cold showers now that's like whatever that's half in it whatever time of the year but you can't be cleaning your body with cold water you can't if you're hardcore mate you can't um you wouldn't clean your clothes on cold water finn also says underrated over, overrated, mustaches. I think they're fit, you know. Yeah, I think they're coming back. It depends on the person, doesn't it? I think they're coming back,

just a solid moustache. I like a stubble. It sounds like I'm after a man. Stubble with moustache. Stubble with a tache. Yeah. You look great with stubble and a tache. No, I cannot change my facial hair.

Yeah. These lot squeal when I change my facial hair. The country artist that we saw he's got a muzzy with a bit of stubble and he's fit so mate he could wear a fucking red nose day nose and i would still be into him god riley green oh look at him oh there oh mate tell me you don't want to watch him fix a truck oh oh he's a sexy you're a great example of that of uh you suited different forms of uh facial hair but what the worst one was when you had it without and i just didn't want to talk to you for the

those few days where you had no facial everyone was freaked out i'm telling you this right now kids and dad's in it do you know when your dad shaved his beard off and you go fuck the fuck yes well my kids did the same thing i'm telling you right now that if I go trans, I'm keeping the beard. I'm just letting you know. Like Conchita. I'm going to be one of them lasses with a full ginger beard.

Do it. And I think everyone will be all right with it. I've only recently committed to a beard in the last six months. I thought you were going to say something about being trans. These cold showers have had quite an effect. Yeah, I've recently committed to a beard

and it's changed my life I think I don't know what I was doing before yeah you you it does I suit it and it just I look older but better

it looks good it just yeah you look listen you look great you can tell Adam's not here this has been really like affirming

Manscaped have just brought a new beard trimmer out you'll have seen the outfit and it looks unbelievable oh yeah I'd use it as a trans woman so yeah

you get the trimmer you get all like beer balms everything I'm just going to brush over that what are you doing you'll have seen the advert before I've said this

but this product is insane word 20 I've only got a beard because I've got a fat head yeah I'd rather be clean shaven no

I do not trust clean shaven men but you've seen me when I used to be clean shaven. No, I do not trust clean shaven men. But you've seen me when I used to be clean shaven and skinny. You're not clean shaven. Yeah, you were cute. I wouldn't shave.

I was so cute. You were very cute. I was a cute little boy. I wouldn't shave next week for court. Beers with food, underrated, overrated. Beers with food.

Overrated. Beers with food? Yeah, like if you're out with your boy and he's getting a skedaddle and you get a beer. Nope. Yeah. I get a Diet Coke.

I think it's disgusting. Diet Coke with them drinking. Just a normal drink. You want it to be refreshing. Come on, boys. With a curry. It works with a curry. You just mean a big lad?

You don't want a beer? No, I'm telling you. You would prefer a big Fanta? A pint? It compliments curry. I get it. If you said, I don't have beer with any food,

I'd get it. But there's something about with a curry particularly a lager top or a shandy surely but it's not how it was meant to be was it

because yeah in India curry comes from India where they don't really drink they don't love a beer they love a tiger beer they love a singer

a tiger yeah I know they have beers but isn't it against most people's religion in India oh right just let's ignore the Hindus they love a Bev mate the Sikhs are always on it the other ones but isn't it against most people's religion in India? Oh, right. Just let's ignore the Hindus. They love Abedme.

The Sikhs are always on it. The other ones, not as much. The Dagdus love them. Last one from Finn Grossfields. Cricket underrated, overrated. I don't get it. Oh, shit. I think it's boring.

I think it's like golf. I think it's like tennis. No. Whoa, Nate. I was on board. Wimbledon is on. I was on board with you there. Tennis is okay,

but those slow moving sports, cricket, golf, baseball. Slow moving. The ball goes really fast. Yeah, once every hour. NFL. I'm jealous of people who get enjoyment out of cricket. Me too, because it looks fun as fuck. But the people who are

really into it and spend four days watching it, I'm like, I wish I could get that. Do you know what? I've started working out with the Ashes because the two tests have been really good that I just go in I just start to work out with the Ashes so I get four days. If you just watch the

last day, because everything's been so tense, these first two tests. It's great. And the cheating though. What? That little dirty run out. Yeah, but honestly, Monday at Lord's,

so when's this going public? It'll be a week ago. It was unreal how intense it got. Like any sport, the more you know about it, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. The Cricket World Cup in 2019

was fucking brilliant fun and it culminated in one of the most amazing sporting finals that came down to the last, like, the last moments

and England won it. Like, I honestly, for English football fans or people who've never given a fuck about cricket, I wish I could go back and go,

just watch this World Cup because it's, it's also short, it's like day cricket and it's not the full test. or people have never given a fuck about cricket. I wish I could go back and go, just watch this World Cup, because it's also short, it's like day cricket, and it's not the full test. It's just so tense. When it happens, on Monday,

the Australian wicketkeeper saw Jonny Bairstow, who comes in at five or six, he's our wicketkeeper, but batter, and it was in Australia's favour, and he just, at the end of the over, just wandered out of his... and he just at the end of the over just wandered out of his well it wasn't the end of the over though

that's the point it wasn't no you know he thought the over then because the wicketkeeper had the ball basically they were

the Aussies were in in their right to go you've wandered out your crease so we're taking the wicket it was genuine confusion you would say that in the name of good sportsmanship everyone understood

what was going on but they got the wicket and it got really fucking eddie and those those uh middle-sex members who were like the lords members the absolute epitome of the tories we slag off all the time some of them wear yellow and red pinstripe fucking jackets started fucking heckling the aussie players like unheard of in the hundred and odd years of of lords and it fired up ben stokes it was so quality watching ben stokes just get fucking annoyed and start swinging the bat it was honestly building up to be such a good close to that test and he got out but like i know people cricket, but when you know a bit and you just put a little bit of investment with timing,

it's so, it can be so good. That was building up to be one of the best things I've ever seen. Do you know what? After listening to you speak so passionately about that,

I'd still say it's overrated. Yeah, yeah, cool. What do you think about the NFL, Steve? Hey, be careful. Well, as you said, I went to watch the cricket in the Lord's,

but you know the short one? It's not T20, the newer one. Hundred. Hundred, yeah. And there was a DJ, there was like fireworks and dancers.

So things that aren't cricket. That's what they have to do. Loads of things that weren't cricket to make it good. I think that's why my granddad died, you know, because the hundred took off. Honestly,

I think he's such a purist. He was the biggest cricket fan I've ever known. And I think he's died on purpose, like knowing that that was taking off. He's just gone, I done with this i'm sorry to bring it up mate no it's fine i was joking um that's how he's been working out with the ashes my granddad's um nfl yeah i think uh i used i used to like madden so that's good i used to play the game before i understood the the proper version of it and now that's how I got into it.

It's so good. It's the best. It's better than football. Everything's better than football now. Joe Templeman says, underrated, overrated pate, either on toast or any other type of bread. Had it tonight and think it's a banger.

Pate? Who's having that? Not at Christmas. Pate meat? No, pate's's great it is great but i never have it unless it's between the the time of the 25th of december to the 6th of january well sometimes it's a starter in a restaurant i know but i'm not now i'm veggie but before that it was a start it stinks like it really stinks it's my favourite food sometimes I eat it

with a spoon you fucking animals it looks like poo paste like a petit velout petit velout petit velout what's this new laugh I'm doing

get your pigeon right shall we do some other words and close this bad boy out? Steve, it's been really fun having you. Thanks for having us. I've really loved it. Thanks for coming on our podcast. It's no simple pleasure. Well, we hammered simple pleasures

on the Patreon episodes. Go and sign up to see them. Also, they're too similar to underrated, overrated. I'm just giving you a little you know editor's note have a word says

I don't need that mate do this thing on me fucking own that would be an awkward episode wouldn't it no I mean the

afterwards I do do it on me own oh right okay good but if you did the whole episode wash your car get off from that one Stevie says crummy girlfriend crummy crummy overrated crummy sounds

like your ideal woman company costa cruz dirty dirty girl says how are we lids i need you to have a word with me bird chloe. With me bird. With me bird. At least once a week, and every single time after a night out, she makes toast at night and eats it in bed. Thing is, she knows it makes crumbs, so she eats it on my side of the bed, then rolls over so I'm sleeping on bits of fucking toast all night.

Fucking... Have a word. Oh my God. It's in the bathroom. Chloe, watch this. That's for you. Off you go. That is psychological Chloe, Chloe, watch this. That's for you. Off you go. That is psychological abuse. So Laura does this.

In all truth, this is... She comes in your room? What? She comes in your room and eats toast? This is part of the reason we sleep separately.

You sleep in separate rooms? That sounds heaven. So do I. Do you? Oh, that's so fit. He sleeps in separate rooms from Laura as well. I don't. That's what he thinks. Yeah, oh, that's so fit. He sleeps in separate rooms from Laura as well. Oh. I don't.

That's what he thinks. Bye, guys. Oh, let's go. Do, do, do. Oh, God. He's just there. I could do this on my own. Dan,

have you got your own like actual bedroom? I'm going to have my own house soon. It's very exciting. Everyone's taking everything at face value. We're fine.

We're not splitting up. Yeah, I do, yeah. I love this two rooms so does Carl it's the secret to a fucking Serica wakes up at 5am

what am I doing she goes to bed at 10 half 10 why's she going to get up at 5 because she's a teacher how do you decide

which bed you're going to run it doesn't she goes to bed at 7 when she gets there for her what's she doing at 7 getting there early to work

stretches do you know how teachers are writing their name on the blackboard horribly overworked and overstretched She'll start at seven when she gets there for her. What's she doing at seven? Getting there early to work. Stretches. Do you know what that teaches her? Writing the name on the blackboard. Horribly overworked and overstretched. With two bedrooms, how do you decide which one you're going to... Do you honestly think it's a... You just decide.

They just do it on their landing. We've got our own bedrooms. I pick my own artwork for the walls. No, no. When you want to have sex. Oh, yeah, that is... Yeah. Is it like a negotiation? She's got a double... You've been sex oh yeah that is yeah it's like a negotiation

she's got a you've been to my place like champions league rules every two weeks and yours you get away goals and sometimes you have a friendly in the garden office that's like being in korea um a tall match yeah it's yeah that's a good point um my bed in the big bed yeah my bed just got a little bit of a creak on it it's like creaking i need to remember i'm gonna write i don't know why in my head what every time you describe your bedroom i'm imagining a single bed like yeah yeah it's never it's not a double bed with like a racing car yeah yeah yeah on the

bunk bed with a desk underneath funny duvet cover yeah we're a football team duvet cover yeah yeah yeah don't get it I don't get it

that's a great bedroom Watford border yeah everyone's seen the film Cars and I really enjoyed it no it's a I've got a queen I like a creaky bed by the way have

i got a queen do you like a creaky bed for sex yeah oh because it makes you think you're like yeah because it makes it naughtier well also it sounds like the bed's getting involved it's just like yeah yeah no because when you when you clip it clip it when you're younger and you're in each other's parents oh yeah oh fuck the bed has to be quiet. It's got that little bit of taboo about it still. I think it adds to it. I like a creaky bed. Yeah. Now we've gone full circle so we've got kids and we can't have creaking. It's got to be like...

You can just tell them the creaking's something else. Oh, we're just doing road work. And then pay for the therapy. No, we're just doing dovetail joints in the bedroom. Go to sleep. Yeah, Etta would say that. Oh, it's dovetail joints in the bedroom. Go to sleep. Yeah, Etta would say that. Ah, it's dovetail joints. Don't worry about it.

So with your separate beds, how do you decide? Decide to what? You've got a favourite bed is what you're saying. You've got a favourite, oh. She has like a 50 gram bed. 50 gram? No, 50 gram. That big bed is like the best bed in the world.

Is it? Yeah, it's a Caesar. It's a, that big bed is like the best bed in the world. Is it? Yeah. It's a Caesar. What's that? A brand. No. It's a size of bed. Yeah, it's a small.

Caesar. It's a small, yappy bed. It's a dressing, isn't it? Julius. It's eight foot wide, I think. Eight foot wide bed. Yeah. What, bigger than Cain?

Yeah, Cain could lie on its side, but he's enough. Yeah, and it's's enough Kane the wrestler is that what you're using as a measurement he was seven foot it's between Kane and Big Show

it's got the best simba mattress on it it's like literally the world's best bed is it two doubles next to each other essentially

basically yeah I couldn't be dealing with that gap down the middle though that's two beds that is the best Caesar size that is two beds

isn't it that's not a bed. I can literally see it's nailed together. Your partner has two double beds and she still doesn't want you in it.

No, there you go. That's it. And it's a similar back thing to it as well. Ours is green though. Wow. The beauty of having your separate beds is

you can snore, wank, sleep, whatever. But this toast thing, Laura's constantly on the snacks. In bed? Late night. Yeah, I'm the snack in bed. And I don't care. I don't care because it's her bed the snacks. In bed? Late night.

Yeah, I'm the snack in bed. And I don't care. I don't care because it's her bed. She can have a fucking full roast. Yeah. Have at it. When you're sharing beds, this is annoying.

The food, yeah. Spit. Stevie, you're going to have to lay down some bed rules. Just get your own bed. That's a fucking leggy. Yeah, that's the other one. Or bunk beds.

Bunk beds? No. Or get one of those trays with the bean bags on the bottom. No, just, or eat it downstairs. No. In the kitchen,

the dining room, the front room. Do we toast in the kitchen? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I don't even make it back to the living room. I'm like,

it's going to be cold by the time I get there. Food doesn't come up to bed. Or go to the en suite and have it over the sink. That'd be chat. It's an exaggeration, but... Never eat toast in the West Wing.

Toast has a very short shelf life in terms of from when it's out the toaster. Not so short that you can't move rooms. By the time you've put your condiments on it, then you're running out of time last night i had to eat dry toast because i thought i had butter and it was i really loved it if i had to put it in the bin i've been so angry at myself no it was i was like right well it's made now it was a bagel thin it was delicious it was like a big biscuit oh you would have loved it

the opposite of simple pleasure when in the morning i go i go to pour cornflakes out and then i go to the fridge and someone's had the last bit of my lacto-free milk i can't honestly i can't tell you how much i want he has dry crumpets that's obscene sometimes you might as well eat a sponge not by preference just sometimes before they've even been toasted why do they have to go in four times before they're even good

yeah toasters can't do crumpets this is things on the planet as well pretty hardcore end to this fucking crumpets right let's call it

a pod guys shall we call it a pod is everyone pod go on pod yeah pod uh thanks so much

for watching and listening to thank you to all the audio pod fans we appreciate the tits out here this is where it started oh geez steven bugea what a fucking pleasure it's been thanks for having us i've really loved this um can i come back when adam's here what are all no he specifically but yeah i did wonder as he said like what are your socials steve bugea comedy on instagram bugger b-u-g-e-j-a and then steve on twitter or whatever um come give us a follow and follow brennan for time traveling fingering and court case dates and times. We don't know.

That was left out. Oh, not allowed. And we've got a song, haven't we? Yes, we've got Glasgow as well. And that's this Saturday, if you're listening this week. Yeah, Saturday the 15th of July. I think there's not many tickets left.

Yeah, 15th of July. Yeah, Saturday the 15th of July. If you want to come, we are on the last tickets. Haveawordlive.com. Go and see Adam on tour. adamrowcomedy.co.uk. Is it just adamrow.co.uk? Is it?

No, adamrow. Adamrow. adamrow.world.biz.tv. Yeah. Come and see me on tour, donnightingale.com. We've got some music this week, and it's my mate. It's Boo Kicks. Follow her at Boo underscore Kicks.

K-I-C-K-Z. And you're fucking up. This is the one week where I give a shit. This song is called Fig and Cassis, and you can follow her on Instagram, Spotify, and Patreon. You can also buy her songs on Bandcamp, where the money goes straight to the artist this is boo kit with figs and kisses see you lads Take a minute, go to bed, wash your face, rest your head, it'll be just fine. In the morning, make your bed, dance around and shake your head, it'll be just fine.

Take a minute, go to bed, wash your face, rest your head, it'll be just fine. In the morning, make your bed, dance and shake your head It'll be just fine There's something going on In this world It's bringing me right back down To earth So take a dip, go to bed Wash your face, rest your head It'll be just fine Thank you. Go to bed, wash your face, rest your head, and it'll be just fine. In the morning, make your bed, dance around, and shake your head, and it'll be just fine.

Ooh, there's something going on in this world. Ooh, it's bringing me right back down to earth so something different's happening and it's got me thinking what I might be when I won't need no one else I know I got brighter days

no I don't need to think about why today I just need to breathe today so I take a take a minute take a minute today So I take a Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute I guess I just take a

Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take a minute Take, take, take, take, take a minute Take, take, take, take a minute

I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready

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I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I hear one music it's wonderful it's wonderful summer radio I've come to do everything

Yeah, I'm the people that I love I've come to take what I belong They've taken what belonged. Thank you. you