Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #234 with Connor Burns - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastConnor Burnshttps://twitter.com/ConnorBurns3https://instagram.com/connorburnscomedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately. You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

Ahead of that, you've got some previews coming up, danspreviews.com. Yeah, very few tickets left, but tickets are selling out for both these tours. Get them now to avoid disappointment. And of course, if you're a long-time listener of Have A Word, you will know that we have got one of the biggest and best Patreons on the planet and the biggest in the United Kingdom.

£23,000 and counting. Starting from just £3 a month, you get an absolute belt of a deal from us. Not only do you get early access to these public episodes, but you get an extra episode every single week, which is where we save our naughtiest humour for. And on top of that, every single month, you get a special.

You get a brand new special every single month, back catalogue included. Legendary. The Nashville special was huge. We went to Amsterdam. you get a special you get a brand new special every single month back catalog included legendary the nashville special was huge we went to amsterdam we've done two ghost hunts we've taken over a restaurant and there's loads more on top of that i think we're up to something like 20 plus patreon specials and then the famous lock-ins when we get hammered in here with our mates some of the best podcasting we've ever done patreon.com slash have a weird pod sign up for just three quid a month you do get more benefits the more you sign up for but everyone gets all of the content that we put on there and on top of that

you get early access to tickets for our shows for the podcast live shows and sometimes we do small events and they sell out immediately on patreon so if you want to be in the room for those, you've got to be a Patreon. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up now and enjoy this episode. We've already recorded it. It's going to be a belter. Belter. Wag wag leads.

You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me.

Seen Tinky Winky's dad? Eh? You know Tinky Winky? The Teletubby? Dave Thompson? Tinky Winky. The black guy? What? tinky-winky black he's purple isn't he tinky-winky's dead the guy inside guess what killed him dipsy uh a massive baby face son aids right okay so not my answer hang on tinky-winky got sacked for playing tinky-winky gay didn't he? Yeah. So, he died from AIDS.

Tinky Winky died of AIDS last week. Is that an episode? Google it. That's a scatty episode if it is. Tinky Winky dies of AIDS. Yeah, but the babies have all grown up now, haven't they? Just put Tinky Winky dead. People have grown up with the Teletubbies.

Oh, dear. Simon Shelton Barnes. Or maybe it's not Tinky Winky. Collapsed. On a Liverpool street and died of Barnes. Oh, maybe it's not Tinky Winky. Collapsed. On a Liverpool street and died of hypothermia. Maybe it's 2018. Yeah. Okay, cool.

Well, breaking news. Five years ago, a lad died in Liverpool. Tinky Winky has passed away from AIDS. Where are you getting this? La la po. Oh, this is not real nudes. It's a joke and satire. Oh.

Nudes. I got sentored this morning. Thought it'd be a good start to the pod. When has that ever stopped us, though? Yeah. No, he's just smacking his nose. Oh, I see. I get it now.

Because Tinky Winky played Tinky Winky gay. That's why I was like putting two and two together. Like, oh, shit. So that's a homophobic joke. And we've started the pod with it. Yeah. Was by accident, though. It it was by accident i love the gays also more pussy for us also dipsy's in our kaida that's true that got sent to me this morning yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was a they never put that episode out when dipsy was like jihad against the west dipsy bengum

you had against the West. Dipsy Bingham. Have you ever seen the episode, the deleted scenes from Friends from the week of 9-11? What? So the episode of Friends that went out days after 9-11 happened.

Right. Right. It had already been filmed. Yeah. So like they went out on like 9-14 or whatever. Right. That sounds like a time in the

morning um and it's chandler getting uh reprimanded at the airport because they think he's a terrorist with a bomb and there's loads of terrorism jokes and loads of like oh yeah i'm gonna blow the plane up aren't i like there's loads of it and uh on the dvd uh that i used to have because i borrowed it from carl never gave it back um the extras no so at the end of that episode on the dvd it goes uh the following scenes were deleted uh because this this episode when i was just days after 9-11 happened, we hope these scenes can now be enjoyed and appreciated with the humour they were intended. Commitment to comedy. The absolute commitment.

One of the most horrific things that's happened in the history of the United States in the last, literally in the 200 years that it's existed and they've gone, yeah, yeah, yeah, but let the dust settle. Literally.

These are some great jokes we wrote. Get it on DVD. We fucking nailed that scene. Let's still stick it out. Our fans will appreciate it. Did you ever give me that back? I gave him the Friends box set. Yeah, you were pretty determined

to get it back at one point and I gave you the back. Lending box sets was such a stupid thing to do. When you had your little DVD collection and someone was around and they were like, oh, I've collection and someone was around and they're like, oh, I've always wanted to watch that.

And you're like, yeah, have it. Bring it back. Never. Always gone. Yeah, they're for a while. Oh, God. I mean, but you don't need them anymore, do you? Who nicked my fucking Studio Ghiblis?

Some cunt. Is that a book? No, all the films had a little DVD thing. Who made my cheese? Who nicked my studio gibberish? Yeah. I don't think they knew, though. Put a DVD on now.

Imagine you've got friends over and you're like, I'm just going to put a DVD on. That's annoying. Because when it finishes, you have to put another one in. You can't just skip to the next thing. Especially when you're watching a box set of like a series, when you're like, I remember having the West Wing box sets

and you get three in and they'll be like, now it's disc two. You're like, oh, I'm on the couch, guys. What do you reckon the next thing is? Because everyone's like, no. Just into your brain, innit? Do you reckon, yeah. You're just going to like put a needle in your head

and you'll be able to watch fucking bad boys too. Little, just addendum to that. I don't think that's the next thing. I don't think we're going from Disney Plus to, yeah, needle in the brain. Yeah, but they also didn't think we were going from fucking VHS to fucking streaming. Yeah, but there was...

People don't see things coming. I know, but there was... Technology moves faster than the human mind can comprehend. You've got no idea what's going on. No, no, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. I don't want to pull you up on everything, but technology doesn't move faster

than the human mind can comprehend. It moves faster than your mind can comprehend. Oh, yeah, no. Don't imagine showing someone in their 20s like a fucking, I don't know, like a whistle lollipop. Imagine showing them a Ford Focus. Yeah. What an amazing bit of time travel that would be. We're here in the 1920s. Wall Street crash has just happened. What kind of Ford Focus. Yeah. What an amazing bit of time travel that would be.

We're here in the 1920s. Wall Street crash has just happened. Look at that Ford Focus. Lovely metallic blue. Yeah, they wouldn't be... Miles per gallon on that. Oh, they've thrown

themselves out of that window. Did they have cars then? Yeah, the first... Well, yeah, they did, yeah. Yeah. First cars were what? When was yours? 1912.

The year the Titanic went down. down oh I've got a conspiracy about that I might save that for later what the Titanic yeah the Roscoe Fellows yes

and how they sank that one yeah the Roscoe Fellows the Lusitania no I'm all over that I've known about that for years did you see the friends episode

did you see the friends episode yeah where Roscoe threatened to sink a cruise ship. Who, Ross Geller? I wouldn't know who you were talking about. Ross. That's right, though, isn't it?

Yeah, Ross Geller. It did look like you were pulling him up on Ross's scene, didn't it? No, no, I know Ross Geller. Apparently, so who owned it? John Rockefeller? I don't know. Him him i think it was him had two ships the titanic and the the diana the jackie does it the olympic the olympic the pussy wagon oh no the olympic the olympic was newer apparently or something was it no basically he facts with

carl he painted the titanic to look like that oh no he painted the o the Titanic to look like that oh no he painted the Olympia to look like the Titanic you've really done your research on this one haven't you painted the Olympia what happened was he insured the Titanic

he didn't insure the Olympic so the Olympic was the one that went down but they were like oh that was the Titanic that yeah and he painted it apparently he painted it

days before to look like it and all his competitors were on board right they all died And apparently he painted it days before to look like it. And all his competitors were on board. Right. They all died. And that was J. Bruce Ismay, not John Rockefeller. J.P. Morgan.

J.P. Morgan, that's it, yeah. Rockefeller was so ludicrously wealthy for the time. Unbelievable wealth. Because they, hundreds of billions in today's money. That's the Federal Reserve, didn't they? JP Morgan was born

in Crosby. What? Is it Crosby? It is. JP Morgan was born in Crosby. No wonder they're all fucking

Tories up there. Yeah, they've got the Tory. That's mad, that. that's mad that's mad got everything here you know is Crosby dead Tory seems just nice it's not

Crosby is like the wealthy bit of bootle it's one up from bootle people think it's Formby but it isn't Formby is full on like fucking

but like Crosby is like on the way to that so it goes literally it goes bootle and then a bit nice Crosby and then you're in Formby Tory no the gap between bootle and Crosby is a on the way to that. So it goes, literally, it goes Bootle, and then a bit night at Crosby, and then you're in Formby,

Tory. No, the gap between Bootle and Crosby is a bit bigger than what you've just made up. No, the gap between Bootle and Crosby is not. The gap between Crosby and Formby is about six and a half thousand miles.

Yeah. People think they're neighbouring butters, but they're not. No, I don't mean, I mean in terms of Toryness. Formby, Tory,

and then you get to sort of Southport and it's just like Nanotories No they're just old Tories who want to go and die somewhere else That's what he said Nanotories Like a dog

Do you want to choose to die in the garden He said they're Nanotories and you said No it's not like that they're just old Tories I said they go they go there to die

They're not born there I don't think we're disagreeing on any of these points mate Don't think we're disagreeing Can you just check Rockefeller's wealth

at the at the height of his wealth? Apps, the man was... I thought it was still a family now. Yeah, but they're not. But that's what happens. You give it to your son who's just a rich kid. $1.4 billion in 1937. Lad.

That's like unlimited money, isn't it? That is a lot of money now. What's that in today's money? 1936. 1936. That is a lot of money now. What's that in today's money? 1926. 13 years. That's fucking till. No, that's fucking shite. That's 26.6 bill.

That's 3% of the US gross domestic product of GDP. My man, how'd you even start that? I just start what? Making that much money. You just like work hard. You know what I mean? That's the famous Rockefeller story. Put the hours in.

He just worked hard. He went from supervisor to assistant manager. To owning 3% of the nation's wealth. Yeah. Yeah. That's, it's a quick,

you know. Some wealth. It's like, you know. Who are our rich cunts? Branson. Who else is there? In the UK.

Sugar. Dyson. Ray Leonard. Sugar Ray Leonard. Sugar Ray Leonard. Sugar Ray Leonard. Mike Dyson. Mike Dyson. That's how he says it as well.

Dyson's all right because he actually pays tax over here. Yeah. Oh, my man who... Lovers, Hoovers, you know. They are goated Hoovers, aren't they? Yeah, but he's fucking with hand dryers, man. Put a better battery in it as well. What's he doing with hand dryers?

It just looks a bit over the top. Over the top? Like, I know hand dryers... You literally do with hand dryers, man. Put a bit of battery in it as well. What's he doing with hand dryers? It just looks a bit over the top. Over the top? Like, I know hand dryers are... You literally do go over the top, yeah. The ones that you put in, have you seen the one that looks like handlebars now and it's like... Yeah, is it unbelievable?

I don't know. I think they're a bit... What, you want to go back to do the ones that's like a fucking asthmatic child trying to breathe your hands dry? Who's going to try it? Where's your hands? Be a man and wipe it on your jeans as you walk out.

Yes! Just hutch and hand dry on your jeans as you walk out. Touch and hand dry as you lizards. Just do this. And everyone knows you've washed your hands as well. It's a universal sign. I've washed my hands there. But then you've got to touch the door. You just rub and poo all over your jeans.

I hate touching the door. I hate touching the door. And someone's not dried their hands properly and it's a little bit wet in yours. I don't touch doors in toilets. How do you get out of the toilet, Karl? Feet. What? Feet.

Excuse me? Either that or a tissue. I use my feet sometimes. Hang on. You open... There is a service station toilet. Yeah, audible. I'm not talking about cubicle.

I'm talking the door out is a pull and you're pulling that with toilet roll. How are you getting out of the fucking toilet? He will just open it. So if it's a slide, you won't. I'll use my elbow. If it's a pull, I'll have you... No, it's not a cubicle.

It's the toilet door from the whole toilet. Going out? Yes. So you've got to pull it. I'll wait until someone else leaves. Nice. Nice. It's a really good lie, that car.

Well, have you not seen the foot handles that they brought out during COVID on the floor? Just put them everywhere, especially in toilets. American bogs are good like that because the flush is meant for your feet, isn't it? It's the little, you know, the little handle at the side. Did you see them when we were over there? You're just meant to touch it with your foot.

You're like, well done, guys. That's smart. I don't want to touch it. Why are we touching it? Until you slip and land in your own shite. Right. I mean, that's on you, really, isn and then you don't shite right I mean that that's on you really innit

I'm just gonna oh oh I'm swimming in poo I am British though not used to this American toilets

are horrible I don't like how high the water is yeah it makes me sick because you just

see your shit just floating around yeah I don't like it at all it's horrible you're not

good touchy. And you're bollocks. I like opening doors with my feet. I feel like talented when I do it. Do you know what I mean? What, like, like you've got like two cups of tea. Yeah.

And there's a handle to open and you go on one foot and you open it with your right foot and you fucking, you boot it open. Like after you've like used your toes and, oh.

Because I'm a little bit a little talented i'm just opening different doors what do you do do what you just give it a little tap to get it away from the the door frame a little bit you grab you grab the handle with your toes you pull it down with your foot and then as it's down you even with like boots on you could do that if you're dexter dexterous chimpanzee feet have you got yeah you just walk out you know you use your dick loop it around open it up. Stop touching them. My toes are a bit like, sort of like this,

from using them for years. Like talons. But I've got like, I've got like growly feet. My toes are not flat, they're a little bit raised because I'm so used to grabbing stuff with them. I can show you if you want. No, I've seen them. I've seen them loads.

It's hard to stop looking at them um i thought i'm not going to enjoy this audio listeners this is going wait what is danger don't worry it's not a troll it's adam with his socks off open the door you see what i mean though? Yeah From gripping stuff? From opening toilets Like this Why are you walking out of toilets with bare feet? I'm not This is not like in a public toilet This is like when I'm walking around the house

No when he comes out of the public toilet he takes a sock Sorry I'm stupid You're opening doors in your house with your bare feet Why won't you touch your own doors in the house? It's only your poo wow no it's when I've got two cups of tea

and I've got to open the door that makes sense when my hands are full you know when you've had a shit with two cups of tea you know what you do is

when you have a shit with two cups of tea you're like I don't want to touch a door no when you go in the kitchen and you're making cups of tea you close the door behind it makes it easier

when you leave it's a fucking nightmare for him he's got an open plan kitchen still walking around you never know there could be a fire. Oh my god, there's a fire. I'll need

two cups of tea for the fire breaking. Fucking mental. Oi, if you own anywhere that's got public toilets, can you make it fucking pull on the way in and push on the way out? Please. This is just sensible. I don't know.

Can you see the telly? Oh, the Gopi Hinduja and family. I don't know. Can you see the telly? I don't know any of these. Oh, the Gopi Hinduja and family. Oh, I know them. I don't know any of these people. Sir Jim Ratcliffe you do know. He's trying to buy Man United. Oh, right.

Jimmy Ratto. And obviously Dyson. Lenny Blavatnik. I love Lenny, you know. He'd be a good bevvium. He's Sir Big Len. That's what they call him. Lenny Blavo know. He'd be a good bevvium. He's Sir Big Len. That's what they call him. Lenny Blavo's coming.

Blavatnik. I don't know any of these people. The Duke of Westminster and the Grosvenor family. They own all of Chester. Oh God, my, what was that? Chester. They live around the corner.

Michael Platt. Isn't that a fictional character from Crown Agency? Why is he on the Sunday Times? Oh, Ken Barlow's number 21. Just go up to the Earl of Westminster because he inherited the Duke of Westminster sorry not the Earl

that 9.987 billion that he inherited that his dad died about 7-8 years ago is that the casino group? the casino owners yeah yeah the own casino Leo Casino look at that mate my man's here Jimmy Ratcliffe Is that the casino group? Casino owners, yeah. Yeah, they own casinos. Leo Casino.

Earth's Maze. Look at that, mate. My man's here, Jimmy Ratcliffe. Chemicals. What a shock. Up 23 bill. Ooh. Someone profited from the pandemic.

Yeah. He's only got 29 bill. He was fucking skimped before that. Yeah, he's had a good year, him. That's mad, isn't he? Fucking Leicester City after Sunday Times Leicester City What do you think about Gopi Hinduja then I'm a big fan, I like his family as well

Gopi Hinduja and family Gopi Shand What's that asterisk for His sister's a prick Let's see Shrikland Hinduja the elves of the fall No She's dead She's dead Oh. Shrekland Hinduja, the elves of the fall. No.

She's dead. She's dead. She's dead. Oh. Oh. So he's more rich. Do you know what though? Money's not going to make a happy goppy. You know,

you've lost your sister. 35 billion wouldn't make me feel better if I lost my sister. I would kill all of my family for 35 billion oh for 40? yeah everyone's getting there's not many things that 35 billion wouldn't make me feel happy about

honestly genuinely you're buying Everton then aren't you? you've got to yeah and then deleting them no I just go on the computer and just delete Everton and go away gone

it'd be very hard to keep doing the podcast wouldn't it? no do you not think? imagine how good the specials would be with 35 billion Release Evan. Evan. Go on. It'd be very hard to keep doing the podcast, wouldn't it? No. Do you not think? Imagine how good the specials would be. With 35 billion. Let's go to the moon for December's special. Adam turning up without a key card like, oh God, I'm worth 35 billion.

You just buy a new office. Smash the door and buy a new one. I'd just have someone walking alongside me at all times, just creating things I need. I need a key card. There you go, lad. What's this, a robot Sherpa? Is this what you've got?

Billionaires have got them. If I was a billionaire, I would have a robot PA and they'd be there all the time. It's a Scouse one as well. All right, lad. What? I am the key card.

Fuck off. Have you just had a shit? Don't put those cups of teas down. I'm the key card. Fuck off. Have you just had a shit? Don't put those cups of teas down. I'm blowing your hands. I'll use my feet. Oh, just open the door for me. I love, how pissed off would you get with any,

if you got that rich and you had like a PA who was like, just come with me everywhere and sort everything out. You'd hate them within about eight hours. but you said new one no i wouldn't hate me robot would i what are you talking about i don't think we've got just be 100 yards behind me at all times anyone i know you're there i just want when i need you and he'd make it have lovely

tits a saudi arabian wife oh yeah like a saudi arabian wife cover them up though cover them up though right like a Saudi radio it's a robot in a full burka it's weird what are you showing me here alright I've had this robot shirt

is it speaking to everyone he's dead happy I'm fucking made up oh yeah what you could spend your money on what was number one

the first thing you could buy yourself a history supreme yacht for 4.5 that's good can't wait to see city on fire on apple tv

if I had 35 bill one of the first things I'm buying is a yacht and one of the other first things I'm buying is a plane what and you're chartered on both things

you're not as in like you put you staff it you get a pilot and stuff yeah and a captain and stuff i'm gonna i'm gonna demand that much money i think i'd learn to fly planes i just want to fly it myself no you won't no adam no flying to australia i'll do it and if no please if you get 35 billion and i've seen you bet on random shit

oh i've got a bet on the 430s today. Oh, cool, 35 bill coming in. Someone I know owns an horse, and that horse is racing, and apparently it's very high odds for how good it is. 60-61. 60-61?

66 to 1. That's Vegas, Austin. 60-61. That's Vegas, Austin. My61. That's Vegas Austin. My mate has got a nose. He's got 3T3T legs. And it goes fasty-wasty-wast. It's 6060 to 1.

And I will put 6061 on it being a guy called John that's given him the recommendation. Yeah, yeah, John. Horse John. Ossie John. It's 6061. I actually wasn't trying to do that. I know you weren't. I noticed. 66 to 1. Nice'll see John. It's 60-61. I actually wasn't trying to do that. I know you weren't, I noticed.

You were nice. 66-1. Nice. 4.30 at Bath. The horse is called Goodersongale. He's a blue. Oh, it's losing then. I had a 50 quid free bet in my account,

so I've used it. 25 quid each way. You would put a bet on if you saw odds of 6,060-1, wouldn't you? Because someone's had an aneurysm at fucking Betfred. If I was a billionaire, I'd bet on every horse race. Okay, these are the runners. At the 4.30 from Bath, we've got Savalas,

Giacolino, Thank the Lord, Griggy, The Cola Kid, Blue Bull Wall, Notre Maison. This is the 4.30 at Bath. Right, who have you put this bet on with? John? That was the 26th of May. May, 2023. Why is that the first one?

It says full result. Adam's got a tip on a bet that ran two months ago. And the horse wasn't in the race. It's just going to win, lads. Still taking bets on Bath, you dodgy cunts betting on races

that I've finished yeah we'll accept your cookies oh I think you're terrible at this I'm going to guess it's on I'm so hard

I've had horse races he's saying he'd have it up by now wouldn't he he loves horses he'd be looking at Baths rum and reggae race night like is it a metal final

I think it's I'm sorry what was that the rum and reggae race night go back what's the rum and reggae race night it's the is it? I'll find it. I think it's after. I'm sorry, what was that? The rum and reggae race night. Go back? What's the rum and reggae race night? It's the first time I've wanted... And they all drink rum. And they have a bit of reggae, reggae sauce

on their chicken burgers. The chicken burgers? Can we go? I'm into it. That's the first time I've been interested in horse racing. Isn't this a reggae night? No, it's never been to races.

I've never been to rum and reggae races. Have you been to the races though? No, part of me would like to see Ladies Day at Aintree because that looks fucking mental. It's overrated. Genuinely, it's overrated.

We should go to a race day though. Just a little staff day out. You know? I'd be into it. Chester races. White shirt day. The dogs. What?

The dogs. No, the horses. Oh, right. Yeah, Chester races. White shirt day. The dogs. What? The dogs. No, the horses. Oh, right. Yeah, Chester races. Yeah. Should just do it. And I know there's ethical problems

and people are like, oh, you know, the horses get treated like shit, but who gives a fuck? I don't know. It would be better not to say it initially.

I know you've got your concerns, but what about this? Shut up, you whinging cunt. They're happy. Look at them running. Okay, this is the 4.30 from Bath. Bobby Kennedy. He's going to get shot.

That's something facing it. Come on. Your horse is getting shot. Goatry. Big Jimbo. Sounds like one of your mates from school. Street Jester. Oh, God.

Maliana. Uther Pendragon. Whoever owns that is a dickhead. Susan B. Quick. That's when you've got your hazards on outside the shop. Rita Rana. Susan B. Quick. Ladies Pack-A-Punch. Ladies Pack-a-Punch.

Ladies Pack-a-Punch. Goodison Girl. Dee's Dream. And Pinkfinsenberg, who is owned by someone who is trying the ketamine. Someone just sat on the keyboard there rather than sending the name in, didn't they? Someone owns too many horses.

What are you calling this one, Steve? Pinkfinsenberg. 66 to 1. That is long wait wait a word adam i'm still laughing at myself do you actually give a fuck about horses um i understand the criticism of it yeah but i just you know me not having a fucking little flutter every now and then it's not gonna fucking change anything is it it will if everyone stops fluttering but don't yeah so i think if everyone stopped fluttering, yeah, then I won't flutter anymore.

If everyone was vegan, I'd be quite happily vegan. Can we buy a horse? I want to go to the races, but why don't we buy a horse? Are we allowed to call it My Nana's Flaps? Is there any rules? No, we'd call it Ron Seal. We'd call it John. John Seal.

Great over fences. Dusty carpet. Great over fences. Dusty Carpet. Never been beaten. Ron Seal is the best name for that. I think we can do better. It's good. Clip Bastard. Clip Bastard.

I don't think you're allowed to swear in them, are you? If you don't do spaces, you can. You can just say it. Oh, like Piffinson's song. Clip Bastard. Yeah. Clip Bastard. I don't do spaces you can you can just say oh like Cliff Bastard yeah Cliff Bastard I don't know how

we made that more offensive the funny thing is people are backy because it's hard arse and it'd be funny and it'd end up being favourite for every race

but being like absolutely ridiculously shit we're getting a good one though like when we were doing favourites for Christmas number one and finished

150th yeah always go with the better the bookies don't lose I love that that picture existed Christmas number one and finish 100 and first. Always go with the betting. The bookies don't lose. I love that that picture existed that we're second favourite behind Elton John for Christmas number one and it's real.

When I'm 90 years of age that will still exist. Shout out to all the Have A Word listeners that put a bet on for us to get Christmas number one because you'd get something back from it but couldn't be arsed buying the single genius we did so well in the betting to the point where all of the betting houses were like i don't know who these are but it's freaking me out drop the fucking odds the buying was fine we came fourth in the buys it was the downloads it was the streams

yeah yeah we sold about four thousand i think we had about ten thousand bets on us in the first week i was 100 quid up on my cash house. I put 50 quid on as soon as it went on. It went up to like 140 quid. And I was like, ah, we've won. Oh, that's mad that we fought with that. And I lost 50 quid. Yeah, somewhere there's an algorithm.

Somewhere there's an algorithm that we've changed just by writing about your wife leaving you. Can we please buy a horse? How much is it? Anyone selling a horse? We'll look after it. We will, won't we? No, we just buy a horse anyone's selling a horse we'll look after it we will we just pay a stable hand crooks from mice and men yeah we'll get him is he white lad yeah um no he's not famously oh is he not famously not oh well that'd be good then um it'd be positive i wish i'd not talked

for the last 35 seconds have you not read Of Mice and Men I have I haven't committed it to memory like yourself

you don't know about Lenny and the Rabbits I'm sorry I remember that bit I don't remember the ethnicity of the stable hand yeah

when did you last read Of Mice and Men did you just like it was fucking hammered home wasn't it yeah like that was like a In school, but it was fucking hammered home, wasn't it? Yeah. Like, that was like a full school year. Carly's wife wore red because she was a fat slag.

That's what we got told. By which teacher? Miss Johnson? Oh, Miss Johnson sounds game, doesn't she? English teachers go, right, I'm going to read too much into this. He wears a hat. That means he's a murderer. Yeah.

Murderer's a murderer. We did get told that she wore a red dress because she was promiscuous Carla's paraphrased yeah yeah good Miss Johnston she's a fucking slagger anyway

we're finishing early mama's whiskey time Kayleigh wore a glove with a hand with Vaseline in it and we're like that's because she fingers her look

did Miss Johnson say that yeah he said that's her finger in her and she's a dirty bitch because she wears red I think she was just horny was Miss Johnson say that? Yeah He said that's her finger in there And she's a dirty bitch Because she wears red I think she was just horny Was Miss Johnson fit? No

But she was the headteacher's wife And she looked a bit like a horse She did Can we call her This is awful if she's listening You had a good teacher in that book You know Do you think she's listening?

I think it's possible Hi Miss Johnson You sound great I think it's possible That people know her to listen She doesn't look that much like an horse. I bumped into one of my old teachers who listens to this. I was in Marks and Spencer's.

And he come up to me and he went, Adam. And I went, I admit you don't remember me, do you? And I went, John. Dean. We used to work together in Mach-E's.

And he went, no. How disrespectful would that have been if it was, if you were saying his teacher, Dean, we never respected you at school. And he went, no, no. I'm Chris. I used to teach him maths. Oh, yeah.

He didn't remember him. He looks a lot like Dean. He actually prefaced the conversation with that. He went, I know I look like Dean, but not me. Yeah, I've made some members. Wild.

You should just make theories up. As far as I can remember, our entire English from year seven to when we finished. Just of mice and men. And Blood Brothers, and that was it. Yeah. Yeah. Another one.

Oh, she's got two sons. That means she's a star. They gave them half a medallion each. Yeah. And it ends with the... It starts with the Enblood brothers. You see the last scene?

Dead. Willie Russell. One of them gets their head blown off, doesn't he? Yeah. Sorry for spoilers there, but you know.

You've only spoiled the first 20 seconds of the play. But we also can't spoil Blood Brothers. It's like Oppenheimer. And that's not easy to spoil.

I've got me tickets. I'm going to see Oppenheimer and Barbie on Sunday. I'm going next week. In that order as well? You're doing the double? Yeah.

Oh, you're going dark to light, yeah. That's well better, isn't it? People are doing it different ways. I'm doing Oppenheimer first. I'm doing Oppenheimer at 12.30. I'm doing Barbie at 7pm. What are you doing in between? Scram.

Yeah. I'm going to do it next week. I think it's mad how this has taken hold as a little cultural phenomenon. It started as them being rivals like oh they're being released on the same

day they're polar opposites who's gonna win and then everyone's just gone oh we're not gonna let you do that we're just gonna

champion them both and we're gonna go and watch them both have they both got good reviews so far from the critics or it's two of the

biggest film releases in over a decade doesn't mean they're gonna be good I think Ryan Gosling's gonna steal the show got a feeling I think it should be called Ken.

It's just about as out. But it's Chris Nolan, isn't it? So that's just automatic. You're going to be incredible. He plays Barbie. Chris Nolan's Barbie, yeah.

Kevin's his brother. He's in it. They're both going to be heavy, aren't they? Let's be honest. They can't be shit after all this. I'm going to be away to hear the reviews.

You're not here next week? Nope. I'm in Anglesey. Why's that? If I go. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm away. Sean Maltz, she's co-hosting next week.

Oh. Fire. Yeah, that's a bit of fucking insight for you. One of the best. What are you doing in Anglesey? Hanging out with my family. Jack's coming. This is the holiday that out with my family. Jack's coming. This is the holiday that he's coming on.

He's not going. He didn't come to Tenerife with the lads. He asked. He said no. And he's not going away with Laura and Etta in August. This is his holiday. That's fucking shit, isn't it? Why does he not get a chance to go? Because he ruins things. He's two. He doesn't know, does he? I know he doesn't know.

But he's gutted. It's mental. He's two. Yeah, but he doesn't know, does he? I know he doesn't know. But he's gutted, isn't he, when yous are gone? It's mental. He's two and a half. He doesn't need to be anywhere near a plane. He can be in a car for an hour and 20 minutes and we'll be in Anglesey. You can't be kicking off. You don't take Wallace everywhere.

You're not taking Wallace to Italy. Wallace would be gutted when yous are gone for 10 days. If I could, I would, though. You know I would. Also, Jack's fucking emotionally abusive. It honestly feels like you're in a... It is hard, yeah. But you can. No, logistically, it's hard to take a dog on all these. No, but's fucking emotionally abusive. It honestly feels like you're in a... It is hard, yeah. But you can.

No, logistically, it's hard to take a toddler on holidays. No, you just sit a child on your lap and fly. No, logistically, it's hard to take a toddler on holiday. Like, you can do it. It can be done. If you can choose not to, I'd take that option. He's genuinely all over the shop at the moment. He's either needy and loves you or just a little fucker.

You going to get him some gifts? Yeah, we're going to Anglesey. He's there. We're having a holiday. No, I mean when she got... Where's Laura going? Laura's going away with Etta. And she's you and the boys, yeah?

They've got a week with me and the lad. We're going to have some fun. You going to sleep in the big bed? You what? You going to sleep in the big bed? I do sleep in the big bed. The bigger bed? There is no bigger bed. I've in the big bed? You what? You going to sleep in the big bed? I do sleep in the big bed. The bigger bed? There is no bigger bed.

I've got the big bed. And he's sleeping in his bed. Is Laura in the single bed? And he's going to go to sleep and then not wake up in the night. I'm going to have earplugs in. It'll be fine. He has to be pretty loud to wake me.

Do you think Dan's got a single bed? In my head, it's a single bed, like a race car, yeah. Do you know what I've just realised? In my head, you've got a single bed as well. Oh, I've got the master bedroom. I don't know how it's worked out i've got a king size in my head you're like in the back like in a little are you not in the room we started the podcast in nope that's uh jack's room now laura's in the other room i've got the i don't know how it

happened laura was like i don't i'm gonna move it around i've ended up in the big bedroom did you have a single bed i uh There was a period during the lockdown where that room was a single bed and then a studio in the corner. It was mad how that was working out. Yeah, in my edge, you've got a single bed. Like a hostel. We've sort of moved around.

I think we're, yeah, I've got the master bedroom. All right. I've got a week on my own with my two-year-old son. It's easier just having one of them because I'm just going to tune into him. But he is a little ball bag. And then also the cutest thing I've ever seen. And he's great.

What are your plans to do with him? No plans. I just want to survive. Please come over with the dogs. That'd be great. Are you going to invite us? No. You are invited!

No, that's only half the team. All right, okay. I want to see Etta. Well, genuinely, if you could come over and hang out, that'd be great. Okay. I'll bring my dog. No, that's only half the team. All right, okay. On a Sieta. Well, genuinely, if you could come over and hang out, that'd be great. Okay. I'll bring my dog. No, hang on. Do you want an afternoon off?

Me and Adam will take him out. Yeah. We'll go to Chill Factor. That 14, 15, 16, when I'm back. That Tuesday, me and Carl can take him out. Yeah. You can take him out. Can we go skiing?

Yeah. Archery? Rubber saw? Clay pigeon shooting? Yeah. Yeah. Would you trust us? No, I think Laura will take... yeah archery rubber saw clay pigeon shooting yeah yeah would you trust us now or after no I think

Laura will take him on holiday rather than why would you tell her exactly that's the best tactics in it and now I would mean

I'd have him come back and he'd be like don't tell women anything they get worried they do yeah about the two year old child getting taken away by

his mad uncle you can do cliff jumping he'll do that i think that's another thing that's money what was it um it's a castle genuinely he's mental at the moment fucking hell you should have a break um that week is going to be great it's going to be full on though make sure you've got plans though wacky weirdos yeah because you'd be sitting in a pontoon yeah so place after enough pontoon he's scared you're not gonna sleep are you it's easier when it's just him it's gonna be fine there's not gonna be loads of sleep he gets up like two or three times in the night what does

he do unless i've got earplugs in and i don't wake up anyone what does he get up and do he's just in the fridge isn't he yeah he's in the fridge clay pigeon shooting cliff diving what if this is the time you realise he's got no respect for you what if once Laura's out

he's just like I don't know you're like he's just perfect like diction I don't know you're fucking looking at I'm in charge you stupid old cunt

looking at he goes so Laura literally drives off and he's like mummy mummy mummy

round the corner right you fucking prick bad enough of your shit let's get a domino you're in the little bed I'm in the master bed yeah yeah no what you're gonna have to do

you're gonna have to lift me into the bed and then fuck off into your bed but we'll make it work give me your car keys I'm going to my keys yeah I've done a massive shit

and I'm not changing it. Wipe my fucking ass. Yeah, that would be a worry. I feel like he does that anyway, doesn't he? Now you're getting him

confused with me. Not in that accent. Not in that accent. Does he still poo in his pants? What? Does Jack still poo in his pants? He does his nappies, yeah.

I don't know what kids do at that age. What age do you start shitting in the toilet? It's not far off, but he's slow. Because he's like, why do I need to change? You keep wiping my arse. It's boys, that's the winner.

I think they are a bit lazier. It's sound, it's going to be good fun. The age that you shit in like a toilet, it's like a bell curve, isn't it? Because you start shitting in your pants and then it's all toilet and then towards the end of your life Because you start shitting in your pants and then it's all toilet and then towards the end of your life, you're shitting in your pants again.

Yeah, it does come back. What part of the bell cave are you on, Adam? I've got much less of a bump. Man's flatlining. I've got a nipple curve. I've had six ones when he was 18. If everyone would like to list all the subject matter we dealt with in 35 minutes i'll be

impressed be a long list enjoy here we are second section if you'd like to see me preview my new tour show stourbridge sunday the 30th of july about 30 tickets left 4 p. 4pm show. Alfie and Dean are on with me. It's danspreviews.com and then we've got 15 tickets left in Runcorn on Wednesday the 16th. That'd be nice. And then the whole preview run sold out. And then it's tour time, baby.

I've got plenty of tour tickets still to sell. The Liverpool show in March next year has got about 100 tickets left. And then we have sold out the Empire, which is ridiculous, so far in advance. Manchester, Apollo in December,

about, you know, 35, 40% of the tickets still to go there. But that is an awful lot of tickets sold in Manchester. Already sold more than we did in seven shows last year because we've gone for the big one. Adamrode.co.uk

I have added a run at the Jacaranda. A third run. So we sold four nights out in May, four in July. There are four more in September. The Thursday is already sold out. The Monday is now down to I think four tickets.

And then it's done. And then Tuesday and Wednesday have a few left. And that'll be 12 sold-out work-in-progress shows in Liverpool. Edinburgh as well. I haven't really plugged Edinburgh, because I always just feel like Edinburgh just sells when you're there. But Edinburgh Fringe Festival, if you go to the Ed Fringe website, type in my name, you'll find me show. It's a five to 10 every night,

apart from the Mondays. And yeah, I'm going to Edinburgh to do a work in progress version of the show. Go and see Adam this autumn. Come and see me this autumn. There isn't going to be another podcast live show. We don't think. We've done that tour.

It was unbelievably good. Also, go and see Thomas Green on tour. Go and see Jamie Hutchison do his debut tour it will be phenomenal there are some fucking good shows affiliated to this podcast where basically because of you lot we get to do stand up to people who really like us and jamie is a prime example yeah he's done brilliant work on uh hot water green room but um it's it's mad seeing him sell out i think he's just sold out the frog for the fat for the fifth time which is genuinely um you two years ago you'd be like well it's not it's not even feasible it's the power of podcasting it's you lot we love you let's do some advice right in between my legs I think he is taking some comfort from

Jack Finnegan has started Editing his photographs from the studio We've given him a desk And that means he's got Perry with him Who is Jack's dog Who is a boxer Who is bigger than me He's a big lad

And Wallace isn't scared But he's also not 100% comfortable yeah And er He literally came over for a cuddle with me like Dan listen I know we don't hang out loads but just need a little bit of backup here so I'm just going to stay with you

you doing the prep Dan yeah yeah I've got it yeah yeah some advice boys can we give it we can give it can't we Kynan says now now then, boys, I need some romance advice from you legends.

I have a proper crush on the girl that works at our local co-op. She's really cute. Been there. She's really cute, has an amazing smile, and has piercing tats,

same as me. She also seems really kind, but also obviously hates working at the co-op, and I hate my job. My worry is, looking like a creep who's trying to

crack onto a lass who's trapped behind a counter at work what's my best tactic for asking her out while she's at work without fucking ruining it help me out here boys wait outside follow her home ask her at her front door she'll feel more comfortable there on her home turf so what if she works nights what she works in the evening and it closes up at 10? Bob shuts at latest 11. So just... Follow her home at 11. So don't follow her home. Right.

But make her aware that you know where she lives. No, you've just got to be subtle with stuff like this, haven't you? How subtle? Like... A flyby. You've got... It's like getting...

You've got to just be gentle and... When you want... A rope at it. No, when you want... It's like trying to fucking grab a pie it's like trying to grab a pie that's in like a cage with like laser beams and stuff and it's like what did the pie do wrong you've got to just like it's a it's in an art museum it's a hell of a pie you've got to like reach in like you know it's a pie in a cage with laser beams.

That pie. You know what I mean? It's a good Greg's. Like, if you go like one, if you go too hard this way or that way, you're going to like burn,

you know, a fucking laser beam or something. Totally. It's like, it's a mental analogy, but it's working. You've got to be gentle,

soft, subtle, hard, like, like stealing a pie. Here's an example. Imagine she's across the room, yeah, you go, Oi, women! And she go, oh, and you go, do you want to see me knob? Oh, hard. Like stealing a pound. Here's an example. Imagine she's across the room, yeah.

You go, Oi, women! And she'll go, Oh, and you go, Do you want to see me knob? Don't do that. Right. Across the shop.

No, wait until she leaves. Across the road. A lot of the tactics involve her leaving work. If you're struggling picking up women, I'll help you. Put a shirt on tonight. I'll show you how it's done. He knows how to put a shirt on. How is it?

And I'm starting to know that the references. It's literally to the point where I'm like, I can tell. I can almost hear the rhythm of them now, even though I don't get the two pints reference. We've done the Pi Laser V1. Oh, no. So many times. I can almost hear the rhythm of them now, even though I don't get the two pints reference. We've done the Pi Laser Beam one. Oh, no. So many times.

I don't know. The Pi Laser Beam is in two pints. Yeah. Oh, my God. I need to watch that. That's not a scene. That'd be great. Singing to her.

I've got it. Is she working behind the counter? Buy things that allude to what you're talking about johnny's oysters dates cucumbers handcuffs

that's a great alluding handcuffs, wheelbarrows co-op is this two pints no handcuffs, wheelbarrows, johnny's, dates hide it in a bag Thank you. Co-op. Is this two pints? No. Handcuffs, wheelbarrows, Johnny's, dates.

What? Hide it in a bag and go, guess what that is? Hide one in a bag? Oh yeah. Yeah, go ahead. See you next Tuesday. What if she just goes,

you're not meant to take dates out of the packet. So shit. Turns out she's a stickler for the rules. Just have a bit of bollocks about her and ask her out. Yeah, just say, don't do it in a creepy way

she'll only think you're being creepy if you're being creepy just go in and be like yeah right love he wants to go on a date with me and when she's like yeah just gradually build up a conversation and then you've got to

check if she's got a fella first you've got to find out that before you make a subtle question. Go on, Adam. No, just be... Like, you just... How are you?

Like, just build up... What's the wording? Gradual small talks. Like, yeah, go in on Monday night. Hang on. We'll role play. Dan, you're this lady. She's called Christine.

What's her name? Christine. She's slightly alternative, has face piercings and tats. And she's called Christine. With a K. Oh, cool. She wasn't that when she was born, was she?

Hello, love you, no lights. Good seeing you again. Just this today, please. All right, yeah. How was your weekend? Poop. Oh, my God. No one's ever asked me that before.

How was your weekend? Full of dicks. Was it? Wow. Just had loads. I've got loads of partners. Do you want another one? No.

The shop's closed. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got loads of partners Do you want another one? No The shop's closed Oh really? Yeah yeah yeah I've had too much dick Yeah Should we try it again? Sorry I've got to do it properly Just had today love This has already been opened

Yeah I just had a bit on the way down That was thirsty Oh you are I don't want anything else though You're a bad boy You don't play by the rules And I like that Boop

I don't play by the rules 25 quid please Do you want me to knock? Yes I meant 25 pounds of dick Let's actually do it Alright okay sorry by the rules and I like that. Boop. I don't play by the rules. 25 quid, please. Do you want me to knock? Yes. I meant 25 pounds a day. Let's actually do it. All right, quite sorry.

Have that for a steak, please, love. Don't worry about the fact it's open. Boop. Have you got a co-op club card? I have, yeah.

How was your weekend? Oh, yeah. It was all right. Boop. Probably just out with your fella or something, weren't you? No.

He died. Did he? Yeah. How long ago? probably just out with your fella or something weren't you no he died did he how long ago 3, 4 days 4 days ago I wasn't that arsed I killed him I fucked him to death

you that cut in bed I sat on his face and I've been eating from the pastries are you ready to move on? Yeah. Do you want to fuck me? Yeah. Great.

Happy? In all scenarios, go with anything. Right. I just hope she's a weird freak who loves this. You just, you know, find out she's got a fella

and if she hasn't, then next time you go in, you know, just ask her. It's like, what are you doing the weekend? Oh, I've got no plans at the minute. Well, how about me

and you go out for a date? I'll pick you up, seven o'clock Friday night, take you for some food, a few drinks, if you're having a nice time, I might try and kiss you. You've got to let me know

whether we're on for a fuck. You know what I mean? Cool. All out. Just all out. All out. You're not choosing the time or day. I am.

But what I will let you do is consent girls want that yeah they do want that no the first bit don't even give a shit we're doing this on this day we're going

they love that they love that do they women do love getting told Friday 7 o'clock I'll pick you up yeah right cool

and she's like boop I work Fridays you know you're off I spoke to the boss okay once you know they're free right you're like we're doing I'll pick you up on Okay. Once you know they're free. Right. You like, we're doing,

I'll pick you up on this date this time. They love all that. Make some froth. Yeah, assertiveness. I hate choosing days and times. This is why you've had no luck with women, you know, because you just do not understand them. Who am I married to?

Order. Oh, yeah. Shit, yeah. I did, when I met Laura, I was like hey are you married cool here's the church here's the time see you there bring some new knickers because they've got frothy fucking cappuccino pants over here women love assertiveness they do they don't like a man who goes i'll do anything that i ate that so women definitely eat that because they like because he's a woman yeah i love women who'll do anything what you want some women definitely hate that because they like because he's a woman yeah

I love women who'll do anything what do you want to eat I don't know whatever you want no do you want him to go I want a KFC and so do you

half seven wow really threatening them with chicken you're having what you're having no because then they go oh my god I don't want KFC

they do love genuinely though they do love that I'll pick it up Friday seven o'clock they love all that without any but you've got another three they're free. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Do you want to try it again? One more time with that? That's it, right? Can I just have that today, please? Yeah, yeah, of course you can. How was your weekend? It was alright. It was doing nothing on Friday at 7 o'clock. You're doing nothing last Friday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if I'd known you were free, I might have asked you if I was on a date.

But unfortunately, that's in the past now, isn't it? What are you doing this Friday? Time travelling. Oh, yeah. Because I want your dick. Sorry, I'll do it again. I'm not were free. I might have asked you if I was on a date. But unfortunately, that's in the past now, isn't it? What are you doing this Friday? Time travelling. Oh, yeah. Because I want your dick. Sorry, I'll do it again. I'm not taking this. I think you're ruining this.

I'm not taking this seriously. You're not taking it seriously at all. I'm not taking it seriously. I'm not playing anymore. Oh, go on. One more time. Can I just have that today, please, love? You sound annoyed.

I am. Yeah, that's £2.10. How was your weekend? How was your money? It was all right. What were you up to last week? Just not much. Probably out with your fellow,

weren't you? No, not seeing anyone at the moment. Are you not now? No. What are you doing this weekend? Don't know, no plans. No?

Alright. Are you working Friday? No. Nice, give me your address. I'll be there at 7 o'clock. Be ready. I've just frothed everywhere. Give me an address.

Give me an address. What are we eating? What? What are we going to eat? I'll be eating you come 11 o'clock. Not right now, babe. We're going to Quasar

and have enough dogs. Nice. Make sure you've got space for my dick. There you go. That's what women want. And a bag, love. Hope that helps, lad.

As much as I'm literally dripping like a radiator, there is a queue behind you. In all honesty, go up and be... Dripping like a radiator? Bro. You're the plumber there, man. I'm dripping like a fucking helicopter, mate. It's been raining and the water is dripping off the helicopter,

just so you know. I know helicopters don't actually drip, but this one is because it's wet. So am I. And you did it. I'm dripping like the Town Hall. I'm dripping like a fucking lampshade, mate. The lampshade is in the skin.

Something wrong with the lampshade. But, you know, I'm still wet. There's a leak in the bathroom above it. What do you mean? Dripping like a radiator. I'm bleeding like a radiator. Oh, God. Daniel.

No. No. That means she's on a period. You don't want to ask her out then. She'll be a nightmare. Yeah, but that's why we're doing it on Friday. Yeah, because she'll be off at Byron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good planning.

In my experience, they're still moody for about three weeks after the period as well. Wow. That's a rough month, isn't it? Go up, have some bollocks. Go, hey, I've looked at you before up, have some bollocks, go, hey, I've looked at you before. You seem all right.

No, no, no, no, no. I've looked at you before. Let's actually try and give the advice. I think Adam got closest. Well, no, I'm saying I've just got- I've looked at you before and you're all right. Friday, seven o'clock. Don't be bleeding. I'll bring the radiators.

Security. You're just, you know, small talk, slowly find out bits about her, make sure she hasn't got a fella, and then just be like, look, I'd love to take you out. If you're up for it,

one night this week, let me know what night you're free. I'll pick you up at seven o'clock. Don't do that. What did you say? Think carefully about your answer. Square up, babe. What are we doing? Come on. what do you say think carefully about your answer square up babe

what are we doing come on you pick the day Thursday night me and you I'll let you pick the day I'll pick the side of the face

I'll book us a fucking restaurant few drinks afterwards and then you know if we're feeling up for it we might have a little smooch in the back of a taxi and if you grab my cock I'll take that as a sign that you want a good fingering you know, if we're feeling up for it, we might have a little smooch in the back of a taxi. And if you grab my cock, I'll take that as a sign that you want a good fingering.

You know what I mean? Yeah, she does. She's going to get it. Women are intuitive like that. This deaf old man who's flirted by a shadow. If you take your pants off, I'll know that you want penetrative sex. Do you know what I mean?

If you lie down and open your legs and say, fuck me, I'll get that you want full sexual intercourse. Do you know what I mean? Use that,

what's his name? Kynan. What? Sounds like a wrestler. What's his name? Kynan. I still can't know what you're saying.

Kynan. Kai's nan. It's Kai's nan It's Kai Humphrey's nan He wants to fuck a girl that works at co-op Hello love Are you free Friday? Cause I'm gonna fucking twat ya Romance in Blythe

Fucking Kynan, Golds, Goose Any of them Yeah Don't mention radiators well that was one dripping like a break pipe swap lagging

oh god this is from anonymous wag wag legs make sure you keep me anonymous I don't know what the fuck. Oh, God. This is from anonymous. Wag Wag Legs, make sure you keep me anonymous. This is from... No, I'm joking. Give him a name. Jake Gallard. It's Jake Gallard.

Is it? Yeah. I love how we make up names. Good, isn't it? This is from Kai Humphries, Jake Garrett. Wag Wag lids. A collab? You keep me anonymous

because I would be in some real fucking trouble if anyone found out. I'm a construction worker and I'm working on this new building for an insurance firm. Two months into this job, I've just realized that I've fucked up with some ground sole shit,

which basically means that anytime soon people are going to realize and we're going to have to demolish and start again this is a multi-million pound building so if it links back to me then i am fucked what do i do to either get out of trouble or minimize how fucked i'm going to be help me lads love the pod jake and you need to go to a like a car boot sale yeah i thought the same i know you're going with this go to a car boot sale is this to get a really old looking what like um like a chalice or something right uh bury it in the foundations pretend to discover it and then be like guys

we're gonna have to knock this down this is is an ancient Indian burial ground. Look, there's a cup here. Right. Right. Just this mug from the tea. So, just first question. Put his name on. It's a quid. Just knowing where we... Number one, dad, this has got to be Indian.

Even if it's in St. Helens. Indians would have made it to St. Helens. Indians got a bout, mate. Ancient Indians. Ancient Indians. Got to St. Helens. Indians would have made it Indians got a bout mate they had ships ancient Indians ancient Indians got to St. Helens they had ships didn't they wow

before the Mersey flow yeah yeah they went round it they got here you know and then went on the leads of Pool Canal stopped in St. Helens

buried the dead back off to India some cups wow they wanted to wash them up. Buried them. I'm a history fan and I haven't heard this. Here we go.

We've got eight in the outline there. You're a history fan and you've never heard about the St. Helens, Ancient Indians? The Crusade? The Native Americans? No. Indians. People from India.

No. You're very, very on dodgy ground there, Daniel. Indians and Native Americans are not the same. You think an Indian burial ground is people from, like, New Delhi? The one in St. Helens is. Right. And when did they come out? I just want to tap.

I don't fucking remember. Oh. 2008. I remember all the details. 2008. Just after the Euros oh yeah yeah yeah I remember that

either that or here's a good one learn how to fly crash into the building yeah there's been some problems with that in the past no one's in it

jump out before it crashes as well oh right right right I think that's more complicated. Do the ancient Indian burial gramphing. Lads, lads, lads, what is this? Planter scroll as well. You know, like when you were in school, you used to make like, yeah, coffee stained.

Get some paper from your local fucking Staples, right? Big one though. Like A2 minimum. But not lined. Draw a map of the world, like, but not perfect. If you're a good drawer, fuck? Big one though. Like A2 minimum. But not lined. Draw a map of the world, like, but not perfect. If you're a good drawer, fuck it up a bit.

And be like, St. Ellen's, New Delhi. That's all they knew, really. Draw an arrow from New Delhi to St. Ellen's. Not even Delhi. And right under that, boat route.

And then get a bit of coffee. Stay in it. Roll it up. Put it next to the cup. The cup's got warm tea in it. New Delhi. It's got a tea bag in it. New Delhi.

St. Helens. Boats. Roots. Loads of foreign muck. Here we are. That'll work Not lying paper Because the construction will have to halt

due to all the conservationists Are we just doing that or are we doing something else as well like an artefact We've got to be careful with that then because that's believable The artefact is the cup The cup

The cup You get that from a boot sale and there's loads of boot sales in St. Thomas You don't even have to go far Yeah Yeah And then

Who is it Tony Robinson What's his name yeah time team yeah Ted Robinson yeah

Tony Robinson he'll come in and go fucking hell mate this goes back hours close this site off it's all getting knocked down I love it how you believe

in the power of archaeology like they're like oh we found something rip this whole building down because archaeology reigns supreme in this capitalist

if it's an ancient Indian burial ground they will in St Helens they think about it I mean we get these in Prescott but this is unheard of

ancient from 2008 they've obviously got Facebook soon to do instead I'll tell you that idea they've obviously got Facebook so the dude is dead well there you go anonymous problem solved good advice today you know

do you know when in Rome I was there recently when you were in Rome next to the Colosseum they were building a fucking a Marks and Spencers or something In Rome. I was there recently. Yeah. When you're in Rome. Next to the Colosseum, they were building like a fucking, a Marks and Spencers or something.

Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. And in the digging up of it, the ground to do the thing. Yeah. They found what? They found more like Roman shit.

No shit! And they were surprised. So they had to stop it. Fucking, that must have been mind-blowing. On the, in Rome. Oh, they're trying to build a new tube line, I think it is.

Right. But they found more shite and they're like, oh, we can't build this here. This is like, oh, Michelangelo got his dick out in this room or whatever. I can't fucking build a train here. Honestly. Make it a museum.

Oh, that hurt my brain. More than the ancient Indians, that bugged me. I don't know why. Yeah, ancient Roman stuff. Michelangelo. Something like that. What are you on about? He painted the roof, didn't he?

He was a tiler. Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. He did, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. In about 1550, I'd guess. In the 1500s. What? Sistine Chapel goes back to fucking jesus times don't it why am i annoyed by this and not the ancient indians

why is that yeah when was the 16 chapel painted uh built between 1473 and 1481 right that's close enough before christ there's probably stuff from back then that they haven't found yeah in 1481. Right. That's close enough, isn't it? Before Christ. There's probably stuff from back then that they haven't found. Yeah. It took me an hour and a half to find me keys the other day. And he was looking.

How do you build anything in Rome near the Colosseum? Be like, oh, lads, big news. And it's a bit of a shocker. There's ancient Roman stuff here. Mad, isn't it? We didn't know.

Fucking dickheads. How do you have known Michelangelo had a stick out in that room? We didn't know. Fucking dickheads. How do you have known Michelangelo got his dick out in that room? Was it a toilet? Bit of paper. He wrote on it. Sorry, dick out in here.

Signed. Best regards. Didn't he do a first dick pic and just put it somewhere on the ceiling? Michelangelo. I wonder who took the first dick pic.

Michelangelo. Google that. You know what I mean? Bill Gates. Steve Jobs. Do you reckon it was a photograph or a painting Oh Oh ancient Greece

They used to love a wang didn't they Ancient Greek Archaeologists in Turkey have found the first ever dick pic Oh shit And it's from

My man there with the pipe. When's it from, Steve? It's a guy literally lying, pulling his knob. Well, we've got a date on it, Steve. Oh, it's ye olde times. Oh, ye olde times. Second century mosaic. The days of yore, yeah.

Second century? Yeah. Wow. Good one, that. Last one, then we'll have a break. An lids need some advice please keep this anonymous for obvious reasons i cheated on my girlfriend with my male friend we were away in a cabin in the woods on holidays as a group of friends and a weird drunk night escalated to us all being naked and talking about having an orgy my female friend was responsible and then removed herself from the situation when it got too weird but then my male friend started

coming on to me and we fooled about me drunk beyond drunk went along with it and we sucked each other off for a bit until i stumbled out of the bedroom naked and passed out the next day i woke up with the ultimate fear no shit shit, and guilt as both me and him had cheated on our girlfriends. I told him it was all a stupid joke and went too far, but the next day he admitted he wasn't sure if his feelings towards me are best friend-y or something more, which explains his sexual forwardness. Help, lids, he's my best mate and I'm worried he might now have feelings for me and blow something up with my girlfriend who he admits he doesn't get on with. I love my girlfriend and don't want her to ever find out about this. We've sworn secrecy but I'm worried.

Love. You shouldn't have sucked him off then. I don't want people to like me. I don't suck them off. It's quite easy. Do you know what? I'm worried he's got feelings for me especially since we sucked each other's dick a bit. That's really the point where I was like, something's not right here. I'm suspicious. Hang on. Are we just mates?

Don't you get any ideas? Glug, glug. He must have feelings because there's no way you... How drunk do you have to get? Do you reckon you've ever been drunk enough to be able to... I'm not going to say me. No, not me. Let's say Josh.

No, why? Why are we changing it from you? Because I to be able to... To suck you off? No, not me. Let's say Josh. No, why? Why are we changing it from you? Because I don't want to imagine you sucking me off. Why do you want to imagine me sucking our mutual friend off? Because I'm not involved. Do you reckon you could ever be drunk? Yeah, hang on. Can I just say, you are now.

It's you two. How drunk would you have to get before you're like, oh, they're not shitting each other off. I think Karl has seen me as drunk as possible a human being to get. And he didn to suck his dick he didn't even lick a ball solid if you ever did

suck me off though if we were I would tell Seneca straight away I'd be like Carl's going around sucking dicks behind your back and it was mine

but that's not the point would you let him finish I'd tell your bed hang on cool would you let him finish? I'd tell your bed. What? Hang on. Cool. Would you let him finish and then go,

I'm grassing on you? I wouldn't. I'd be like, we need to tell her. How do you finish just to suck her? What? It's when you either

swallow her or splash her all out. Did you just have blowjobs explained to you? No. But, yeah. No.

Wow, Carl, you really don't like talking about this, do you? No. But, yeah. No. Wow, Carl, you really don't like talking about this, do you? No. You suck Rummy off. No.

He's a big man. I'm starting with Steve. Bonus. Bonus? I guess so. Bonus. Are we playing bonus on our own pod?

It'll lead to someone. Mate, you're in a fucking pickle here, kid. You're fucked. You've got to start shagging your mate and see if you like it or not. Oh, so that's... You're fucking gay? That's OZ.

What are we doing? I think that could have done without the F in there. You're both fucking gay. And it's fine, but just go and fucking bum each other to within an inch of oblivion. You can't have pussy ever again. No, they're gays. What?

Unless you buy, which does exist. Really? Is that like Adam's Conspiracy Corner? Once you've sucked a cock, there's going to be a bit of lag before you've lost some fanny. Yeah. No, once you're in the ping pong of it, I reckon once you're up to speed

and you're like, do you know what? It's Tuesday. Fancy a fanny. I imagine. I'd love to have one dick, you know. I think it'd be so, like make life so much easier to just.

Would you want both? Because being bisexual although there's a lot of stigma and you still get you know a lot of homophobic homophobic abuse if you're all right with that and you've got past it i mean to be able to be like he's fit she's fit it must be fun yeah it must be yeah but now i i i think you're going full gay do you think they always like one more than the other like kids like 60 40 yeah like do you do you gay? Do you reckon they always like one more than the other? Like kids? Like 60-40? Yeah. What?

Do you reckon, like, if you guys... What do you mean, like kids? Parents of death. I've got favourite kids. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you've said the parent thing clear enough. Yeah, all kids are bisexual. Intentional.

That's a fact. Joke. Get to year nine. Yeah, you must like cock or pussy more. Maybe not. I know some bisexuals uh some of them are like oh i fuck everyone but i only want to be in relationship with all right katherine bowhart said that i think yeah she likes she only dates women but she fucks men what did you say she cleanses the palate with a cock which is a fucking phenomenal way of putting it yeah yeah these these

but if if all like sexual attraction is a spectrum, then yeah, there will be people who are like bang in the middle. I like both equally. Yeah. But if I could choose, I'd be a cock once to me. Oh no,

I'd be bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Baby. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Get off. I think that's enough, isn't it? I've had enough they're both gay their bears need to know they're not they're not

they're at least bi they're at least queer what well if you're bisexual you're queer aren't you no yeah

no what is queer Q's got it's own letter in the fucking what is queer can you gurgle what queer means queer is like you don't know.

I just know there's something queer. I think they're in that ballpark. Strange, odd. Does not correspond to established ideas of sexuality in general. It's not heterosexual, but it's not... Bi is not queer. They're different things.

I don't think they are. I think if you are from the gay community or any of the LGBTQ+, I think there is a self-definition not queer. They're different things. I don't think they are. I think if you are from the gay community or any of the LGBTQ+, I think there is a self-definition of queer. I think that's... No, queer is its own thing. It doesn't encompass the others. That's why the Q's there.

Yeah. Q isn't G. Otherwise, there'd be no need for the Q, would there? Because all L's, B's, G's and T's would all be Q's as well. I've got them as queer because it's peculiar. Sucking your mate off. And then be like, what? That is peculiar. Yeah, it is as well. I've got them as queer because it's peculiar. Sucking your mate off and then be like, what?

That is peculiar. Yeah, it is a little bit. Yeah, for now, they're probably queer until they figure it out. Yeah, you need to define that later. I just think they're gay. Do it again and see what happens. Do you know what?

You could end up much fucking happier, mate. I know it sounds like you're doing the, oh, what have I done? Maybe this is, I don't know, just explore it. Suck a dick.

Live your life you'll be fine who's this girl who like home without the situation as well started a thesis and then got off

it's her fault if you start as a gay orgy and then leave you she's like the David Cameron of fucking orgies no she started an orgy left

made it gay exactly but David Cameron's fucking you know he brought the Brexit on and he fucked off didn't he yeah

beautiful she's David Cameron and you're of gay orgies ow and break time live your life suck a dick

nothing anti-jewish by the way the few of them listen now you alright we had started there Adam oh I agree yeah just cut that I'll remember

cut that out yeah Connor Burns is here but yeah just keep it to a minimum you can't do it just you know what a joke I think

that's a nice way to start though yeah like that's a positive it's rules isn't it it's rules like we care about our listeners you know any if you are from any ethnic minority they did kill Jesus Yeah. Like, that's a positive. It's rules, isn't it? It's rules. Like, we care about our listeners, you know?

If you are from any ethnic minority, they did kill Jesus. I mean, but he was Jewish. Yeah. One of our own. He's one of their own. We kill our own people. He's one of our own.

What a start. If you, you know, if you you know if you're from any ethnic minority and you've recently started listening to the podcast write in

let us know that you're from that community and we'll do our best not to slack them off and to make you feel inclusive within our banter

at the same time you know what I mean we'll rib ya but we won't like fuck like we won't there'll be no hatred in it you know what I mean

ribbed for your pleasure yeah yeah yeah yeah a lot of podcasts don't feel be no hatred in it you know what I mean ribbed for your pleasure yeah yeah yeah yeah a lot of podcasts don't feel the need to say it you know specifically on camera

yeah which ones not to I just want all of the ethnics listening to us to feel comfortable about it are we ethnic though we are yeah

I'm trying not to read into like have you always done this disclaimer or is it just for me or we know what the Scots me or you know what the scots are like you know what i mean sometimes we get a scottish guy in and we have to cut so much

of route like when larry dean was in and he was being like really really racist against south americans and we were like larry do you know the edit we've got on here the gays sloss come in and he's obviously very like he's queer phobic it's weird he just picks the cute like he loves everyone else but it's just why not we love the cute I was noticing a pattern with the Scots

so I thought you know just I'm making everyone feel comfortable before you go off on one of your bands who do you hate Connor? glad you picked up on the Jews

I don't know what it is about me the way I walked in you are really white you know yeah worryingly is there anybody

you do hate? Not as a group Individually a lot People from Kilmarnock Fuck them Fuck them Actually I've done one of the worst Fringe previews ever

I know Fuck Kilmarnock I know I've never been to Kilmarnock They make good But I've been to Rotherham Yeah it's a Rotherham. Yeah, it's a Rotherham of the North, that's what we call it.

You're from Edinburgh? I'm an Edinburgh boy. Originally and still. And currently. Yes. Have you ever lived anywhere else? Nah, nah. We lived at, like, suburban Edinburgh is where I was brought up.

Yeah, a part called Gilmorton, which is... Gilmorton. Gilmorton. Is that where you're from? No. Gilmorton. I have no idea why I got pointed on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gilmorton. Oh, you'd shit as a great snake shop there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gilmorton is a shithole though. Like, it's just like one of those little nothing,

nowhere, edgy town places where everyone's like either now, all my mates from school and that are either dead or in jail. Oh, really? Every single one of them. I'm a real success story. Really?

Yeah, like there's loads of, yeah, like my, so my mum's side of the family, which is all from that part of Edinburgh, there's loads of travellers in that part of the family and other groups from that Part of Edinburgh There's loads of travellers In that part of the family And other groups That we're showing love to Yeah

We like them Yeah We do They're lovely Yeah they're good No they're Do you? Yeah they're always in Blackpool

Do you have a farmer's weekend there? Oh right My mum used to go to like Appleby Fair and that Back in the day She was full on That's their Glastonbury innit That's

Yeah Elton John's playing it this year It's glastonbury yeah elton john's playing it this year it's glastonbury but for people that spin big teacups they're all scabbard each other um but so there's a lot of wild shit in that side of the family um like my uh like they all they kind of like my growing up Gilmourton was one of those places where people like where you from and you say Gilmourton and they go oh really but that was never my experience because it was all my family that was making it like that so I was like oh I've always felt safe yeah I get that like people like think People think the area I grew up in, Dove Cot,

it is rough and I accept that now, but at the time I was like, you know what's all right, we've got a chippy. You don't miss what you haven't got. You were happy there, so. Got a chippy. No, but he's not going, oh, we should live in Chelsea,

because he was not used to living in Chelsea. It was originally George's chippy, then Harry took it over, became Harry's chippy. Nina had the newsagents the entire time. Did you live in Balamore? It's just the same. What's the story? Balamore.

Mr. Kelly had a knockoff co-op because it was called Mr. Kelly's Cooperative. But it was nothing to do with the co-op chain. And there's a place, a shop up in Aberdeen called Singsbury's. I've seen oh so we've we had a Nasda right that's great

the best one though is in the no but it wasn't what it said originally it used to be N-A-S-D-A and it was branded exactly

like Asda but with an N at the front of it and then Asda got involved and went down and was like you need to change this and he was like

go ahead just fucking flip that S round you can suck my cock but there's a there's a great one and I think it's Nazdaq got involved and went down and was like, you need to change this. And he was like, go ahead, just fucking flip that S round. You can suck my cock. But there's a great one, and I think it's in full play. There was, hang on. No, I'm not having it. There was a Nazdaq.

There was a Nazdaq. Spell it with the S, Steve. Promise. Nazdaq, naughty ash. It was naughty ashes behind the area, behind our school. It is Balamora. There you go.

That's it with the Z on. Yeah, you can tell though he's gone for the green theme. Yeah, see, the green is left over from when it was Asda branded. Nasda.

Oh my God. Oh my God, he's just put an N on the Asda letter. That's on the corner, isn't it, by the roundabout? There's one,

I want to say it's in like Falkirk or something in Scotland and it's a cafe around the back of a big Aldi and they've called it Baki Aldis but like Italian spelling so it sounds fancy. There's a Hal-Aldi Oh my god

Hello Type in Lytham St Tans Have you seen that? What the town? Lytham St Tans have you seen that the town what the town Lytton St Tans so it's a town

oh Lytton St Tans Tans Tans mate who's that off the show by the way is it proper rough

what rough are we talking no offence but every time I hear Edinburgh I go oh the most beautiful city in the

uk and culture and the fringe and then when people go no no the other edinburgh i go to train spotting yeah basically i mean it's not like train spotting is like leith and that sort of area right but like it was just old leith before it got fucking gentrified exactly it was just it was just like super working class and every like everyone on my street almost every single household was into something like they had a thing going on whether it was like selling dodgy stuff or just like my i mean my uncle lived on the same street as me and he was like full traveler right and he lived in a mid-terrace ex-council house and he had like two horses in his back garden in his back garden like like it was like he had like a it was like a 20 foot by 20 foot square of grass and he had two like shetland ponies in it and he kept getting in bother with the council

and that people kept complaining i remember i remember i finished it was a friday because i finished school on a half day right and I was walking down my street so it was like half one in the afternoon or something nice summer's day and he kept having

bother with all his neighbours obviously he was a psychopath man he's deep now right but he was he'd like he'd tanned

he robbed like every bookies where we lived and he was like a career criminal in and out of jail his whole life and I was coming home

and it was like there was like music blaring from the back of his garden and he ran out to like catch me as i was walking in the street i was young i was like 13 or something 14 and i was like what you up to what's happening and he was like finally got the neighbors on side he was like i'm just smoothing everything out and i was like yeah it sounds like and he's like come on back and he took me around and it was like all these like pensioners that

lived in the street and they're like going for it half on the afternoon people are up dancing he's got a big gazebo in that and I was like

what's happening and he went I've been putting ekkies in their tea he went that's that's between you and me son

right I went what and at the time at the time and they were it looked class to be fair

he had a gazebo covering his whole back garden he nicked it for being cute it was the one the display line that was built

he tied it to the top of his transit van and just drove away with it like a big kite but it was so big that each each foot was in someone else's garden

so they're all into this casino are the police still there? aye man like he had a he had a horse-drawn like he had a horse-drawn cart in his front garden

and you like you'd see like sometimes he'd be driving through Gilmourton or the near area and you'd be like what is all this traffic man and you like you'd see like sometimes you'd be driving through gilmore and or the near area and you'd be like what is all this traffic man and you get up and he's just like leathering a horse on his hang like he used to ride about on a horse-drawn cart through gilmore he's he's nuts man he got done for robbing a bookies and the police came to pick like they just knew it was him like getting answered on before there was just horse shit all the time

there was a trail of horse shit from the fucking ladbrokes to his front door busy following like Hansel and Gretel to his front door like who do you think would have done it

I don't know we did see seven dwarves but they went they went to his house and they're like, Adam. You know, they just knocked the door. His name was Adam. And he came to the door and he's like, what is it? And like, you know, however they have to say it, you know, we're arresting you under suspicion of burglary or whatever it was,

or armed robbery. And then he just shut the front door on them and went into his house and he was in there for like two minutes they were just standing on the thing and he came back to the front door with a life-size cardboard cut out of john wayne and just put on his front step and went i didn't do it he done it and shut the door and just sat on the couch and they're like adam we're gonna have to come in and get you and you said he's he's not longer here nah nah surprise surprise yeah he sounds like he lived

and killed that was the first time his funeral because they were travellers man I wish I'd filmed it it was sensational and did you like

put up a like event first time I've ever it was open casket right because they didn't like that's how they believe in doing stuff

like they're very much about like sending people off did he just pass of old age? No, no. Yeah, yeah. He settled down just after the John Wayne cut.

Tell me what that does to him, man. Nah, I believe it was a huge heart attack. Right, it was illness. It wasn't like a gut shot. Nah, nah,

nah. But he was, he was only like in his fifties, I think. But, we went there and it was like open casket and that. And it was such a big, you know, they do everything so big and over the top.

So his casket, they didn't realise, but by the time it was all loaded up and all that, it couldn't get through the house, through the door. So they had to get a guy to uninstall the front window of the house and we had to work as a team and like pass them through my auntie had to do that with their telly it's the most uh interesting thing ever because like in Dovey the the front door and the doors of the living room would have such an angle that you couldn't get a 60 inch telly through it.

But it's unknickable. It's an unknickable telly. That's not a barret. Your bookcase should be bigger than your telly. Yeah. Was it? Yeah.

So have you seen that challenge where they put like a bar of gold in a box? Yeah. And so it's like impossible if you can get out you can have it. That's like an auntie's telly. Yeah. Absolutely impossible if you can get out you can have it

that's like your auntie's telly like if you can get out they're flat as shoes so what did you just like slot them through the window I would like

pass them through the window and there was a guy the heaviest fuck as well oh my god man it was it was massive there was like

eight pole bearers either end two Shetland ponies two Shetland ponies he Two Shetland ponies. He got pulled in on a horse-drawn cart. Oh, the pimped out black ones? Full on, yeah, yeah, yeah. And for some reason,

they had like an old fire engine or something in the procession. I think it was like someone stole that on the way. But the other guy, the whole time we were there there was just a guy playing the fiddle like standing next to him

playing the fiddle and I'd never I'd never seen two Shetland ponies eight blokes a coffin a guy with a fiddle and a fire engine

and like hundreds of people because he's like hundreds and hundreds of people turned up and it was like it was on the news and all that because he was a bit of a figure. And then because crime rates went down. Yeah. But like there was a police procession on the way to the way he was getting buried.

Like it was nuts because it was like people there was going to be people there that hadn't they, you know, publicly been seen in a while and all that. It was nuts. But I was standing and he was lying there, obviously, and they make you look as alive as they possibly can. Like, they use makeup and that. So it's weird. He didn't look dead.

But people were like, oh, doesn't he look great? And I'm like, he fucking did. but people were like oh he look doesn't he look great and I was like he fucking did but someone had tucked a half bottle of glens

in his in his pocket right and then in his other one he had someone had put a 50 gram pouch of golden virginia

and one of my cousins I lost it one of my cousins came up he was like that's fucking banging to order that like

and I went how and he was like he's gonna banging order that like how he was like he's gonna get all the whitey wherever he's going and realized they can't give him a Rizla

I want sled dogs for my funeral pulling the coffin yeah yeah like a sled about 12 it looks like you're

having a wankery you know how much you want? I want dogs Tell us more about your uncle Don't spend money on my funeral I won't Carl

What? Why is it everything? Weddings Funerals Christenings He's just frugal man Just fucking kids showing off Ah I love Jesus

you can do that for fucking free don't spend money on my funeral if you spend more than 500 quid on a casket you're a lunatic

why two grand caskets what if when you get to the afterlife or bury it what if you get to the afterlife and the better

your casket is the better your gaff is you get there and you get to trade it in for the house but like it's really skewed people on earth have wasted their money on my gaffers you get in you get to trade they're in for the house but like it's really skewed in terms of

but people on earth have wasted their money on my gaff you've introduced capitalism to the afterlife how are we going to rent a fire engine

with less than 500 people yeah I actually know a guy who can get you one pretty cheap don't spend people who spend loads on fumes

it's mad oh cool well we'll make savings on yours and it'll go on his because that's going to go fucking big what about

would you just get like slid into the sea no I'm terrified because people are doing that what would you be dead that's Bin Laden on it nah but people would yeah

I don't know if that was I don't know if that was necessarily at his request no who's doing that that's getting more popular now burial at sea again

because people are it's environmentally friendly yeah yeah exactly are you giving food back to the fish or not aye That's getting more popular now, burial at sea again because people are... It's environmentally friendly. Yeah exactly. Are you giving food back to the fish or not? Aye, well you're just going back to nature. I've had fish all my life, now you can have a little gobble on me. Such sexual undertones.

If it did it, if it did do that. The whale out, I can only handle it. There was a video went round my high school when I was do you know how those horrible videos get circulated

of like beheadings and all that we had one it was a guy a guy getting sucked off by a fish I've seen it

I think getting sucked off by a fish if it's a video I'm thinking of is a a geninist term he was using the fish as a flesh

like when he was face fucking a fish essentially yeah you made it sound is a generous term. He was using the fish as a flesh. He was face-fucking a fish. Essentially. You made it sound like the fish was keen. Well, it looked quite... It was romantically lit. It wasn't sucking him off. It was being made to suck him off.

He wasn't sitting there. Potato, potato. No, it was dead. Oh, right. Was like this. Can you... Ask him for it. Can you just not be buried at sea? I know this might sound a bit daft initially, potato potato no it was dead oh right it was like this can you ask him for it can you just not

be buried at sea I know this might sound a bit daft initially but hear me out can I get like fucking Tutankhamun you know

wrapped in all the fucking andex yeah and then just put on a kayak in the middle of the sea to just like that's like a

viking burial they send you off and then they burn you yeah I just don't want the burning thing oh you just want to fuck off to like yeah just put me on So just like That's like a Viking burial They send you off And then they burn you Yeah I just don't want the burning thing Oh you just want to fuck off To like real Yeah

Just put me on Just take me Till the boat sinks Yeah Just take me out Into like the Pacific Ocean And just kayak me Pacific

Yeah Not the Not the Irish sea That's just there No Yeah Keeps coming back It's the tide

Yeah Just like Adam Rowe was turned up On Crosby Beach Again I just hate landing in the old time. Yeah. Keeps coming back to the tide. Just like... Adam Rowe was turned up on Crosby Beach again. Fucking stinking. I don't think you'd be under

the water in minutes, wouldn't you? But I wouldn't know that. You wouldn't know. And neither would the people who've put me on it because they just...

What we're pushing him out to see is New York No, you throw him in a kayak you like gaffer tape him into it and he can't come out Kayaks, I don't know whether you remember from our lessons, it's virtually

impossible to roll to the top of a kayak I'd be there for life In the Pacific How do you want to go? What's the funeral looking like? Mine? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Obviously. What's it looking like? Like he's been planning it all week. Obviously you're very ill. Tell us what you want to do. I would like to be burnt and incinerated. What's the word?

Yeah. Cremated. Cremated. I'd like to be burnt. I'd like to be, I just fucking, well lighter. I think that's the move rather than

boxed up I don't know I just don't I think another underrated option would be you know what Sid from Toy Story

tries to do to Buzz rocket to space yeah rocket into the sky and then just blown up Johnny Depp did that to Amber Heard Amber Heard. That was in the divorce, he gets to fire a rocket up her arse. I've won the court case, on the

rocket you go. Yeah, you know the drill. What did you do to his dog or something? I did it to the guy that he played in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hunter S Thompson because they became actual mates. Hunter S Thompson. Jack Sparrow. Fear and Loathing in the Caribbean. In Tortuga. What, he blew his character off?

No, there was a real guy, but he played him in the film and when the real guy died he asked if Johnny Depp would fire him at a rocket and he did it for him and where did the rocket go the speed it was like

200 grand or something where did the rocket go it just went up and exploded with his ashes on it oh his ashes yeah yeah no no

he didn't just strap him to it and whoa Steve's googled Hunter S Thompson's death this wasn't like a euthanasia this is what he did

with his dead body he was high enough he was high enough that he could have done that things aren't looking good this cough's going nowhere

get me on a rocket johnny like get me on the rocket johnny nah i i want to i don't want to be in a coffin either

nah this i'm claustrophobic this sounds so mental because because it sounds weird, but being stuck to a rocket and just being fucking... Off a ship, so you're in the middle of the sea. Oh. A rocket off a ship. Off a container ship, so you're over water,

so you're not like, you know, the blood's not going on fucking Wagamamas and that. You can't be doing that in town. Oh, I see, okay. You seem quite intent on Being put to rest at sea Yeah That's a It's just a space doesn't it

I guess so Plus he loves the Pacific He always does He loves that ocean I do love the water I'm a water boy I'm a water boy You've always said it

I do. You love water. You're a water boy. Mine, if you want. You'd say like water baby, wouldn't you? I'm a water baby. The idea that you

quite like a swim is the reason you want to be duct taped to a cat. I don't actually. He feels at home in water. I do. I want to be buried at sea as long as it's a hotel swimming pool.

Because I don't want Sandy in my fucking ass crack for eternity in fact keep away from the beach Adam just getting launched down a flume right at the toilet roll oh yeah you want to go a firework off the wave pool and put my dead body in the shark tank at the end of the fucking tower of power the last thing that happens at your funeral in the shark tank at the end of the fucking Tower of Power. Just me against the window. Most people go past like, who the fuck are you? The last thing that happens at your funeral is a 16-year-old in a lifeguard thing

just looks at your body and goes... The ride's closed for 10 minutes. Yeah, I think, now that I'm thinking about it, I think I've changed my mind. I've always wanted to be buried on land, but I think buried at sea. Who does this? Is this like a funeral director?

It'll be more expensive, won't it? The 19th century Navy. They do it. They did it quite a lot. Slave ships. They were fans of it. Or, or.

Jack and it's called the Bin Laden now. Yeah, yeah. You know, like with the Undertaker, Jack and he's like, right, do you want to be buried, cremated,

or Bin Laden'd? Which one do you want? Shot six times in the end in an arsenal kit that's a little known fact he was killed in a full arsenal kit bear camp on the back

wearing the suits shin pads boots yeah bear now he was playing interviews in the yard with lads before him if anything

his worst crime was that he was a full kit wife Bergkamp on the back 9-11 now Yeah, Bergkamp 9-11 On you Bergkamp It's a respected talent

He ate a flyer Ed's Invasion with his wife Oh, that was good Some player What did you say? Nothing He ate a flyer Dennis Bergkamp He hated flying. Edson V, he took his wife. Oh, that was good. Some player. What did you say? Nothing. He hated flying.

Dennis Bergkamp, famously, didn't fly to Arsenal games. He'd always fly. He was called the Flying Dutchman. That's why no one suspects Dennis Bergkamp of 9-11. Clever plot. He was called the Non-Flying Dutchman. How was he? He's like, how could it be me?

I drive. On the ferry? Can I check your Bergkamp, how could it be me? I drive On the ferry? How could it be me? Can I check your webcam? How could it be me? I am Dennis Mirkham Do you think the pilot survived? That was his first giveaway The fact he couldn't mask his accent

Do you think the pilot survived? Dennis Mirkham did It was me You know what I'm saying? Could this be What was it? Was it Carl's conspiracy Dennis Bergkamp

Dennis Bergkamp was instrumental in 9-11 he just DB Cooper'd himself out the plane yeah wonder why he didn't fly

because he was practising sorry Dennis imagine imagine we found like a flight simulator in Dennis Bergkamp's gaff and he was like no I swear I was just using it to get my confidence up start this conspiracy I imagine we found like a flight simulator in Dennis Bergkamp's gaff. And he was like,

no, I swear I was just using it to get my confidence up. It's not like this conspiracy on the internet. It says you've practiced the flight over Manhattan 12 times, Dennis. And you've never landed. And crashed every time.

I cannot seem to get away from the towers. Does anyone know what Dennis Bergkamp's actual accent is? I can't place it. It's got to be Dennis. It's got to be, hello, my name is Dennis Bergkamp, dead from the towers. Does anyone know what Dennis Bergkamp's actual accent is? It's got to be Dan. Hello, my name is Dennis Bergkamp, dead to the west. Is he Dutch? Oh, he played in the west.

Please put that in the trailer. Hello, my name is Dennis Bergkamp, dead to the west. Hello, Dennis Bergkamp. What a player, mate. I used to try and replicate that Nikos Dabuzas skill. The flick round and... Yeah.

All of a sudden. Didn't mean it. It's one of life's great questions, isn't it? Didn't mean it. Did he mean it? Didn't mean that goal, but no one questioned 9-11. 9-11, could be.

He didn't mean that goal, though. Fluky cut. Definite. Typical Bergkamp with the assist he fluked down 11 he was aiming for the Eiffel Tower hit the post he was aiming for the Eiffel Tower

hit both of them right so so who sank the Titanic so how would you like to go I'd like to be put into

Dennis Bergkamp's plane as cargo you'd never die I want to get Bin Laden no you are right I liked her or or

just thinking of creative ways like and on me mind I've just realised me mind now is not on funeral it's also death

yeah right so terminally ill doctor's like look you've got 12 hours to live 12 hours where's this doctor been he's on a break how long you've been ignoring a lump on your foot 12 hours to live but you're lucid enough to understand yeah and you've got 12 hours that's a quick drop off someone's put a fucking bomb up your arsehole in your sleep you need a doctor to tell you

it's going off in the hospital it's going off yeah I went in for a routine okay tooth removal how should I say tooth removal

Dennis someone's put a bomb up your arsehole you can't get it out because there's too many I mean it's a fucking mess down there, mate. So that's mainly the idea.

12 hours and then you're gonna die. Mr. Rowe, we've... It doesn't matter what you're dying of, does it? It's all about the game. We've ran every test, Mr. Rowe. We've run every test. We can't stop the ticking. I'm afraid you've got quite possibly the worst case

of bomb up the arse. I've seen in my long career. Who did it? what? oh there's another conspiracy luckily on the scan the timer did show up

you've got 12 hours I'm thinking plane crash how quick are you getting this plane? with a bomb up your arse you're not getting through security what do you mean? I just go to like a little airport I'm not getting a fucking commercial flight yeah he's doing a bird camp You're still getting through security? What do you mean? I just go to like a little airport.

I'm not getting a fucking commercial flight. Yeah. He's doing a bird camp. I'm spending all my, like I've got 35 billion, remember, in the first half. Yeah. I'm buying a plane.

I'm like, look, give me the keys and I'm going up and I am just going to fucking nuke that plane just where no one else can be harmed. Just box me off

just in the middle of the desert somewhere. Somewhere near Blackpool or something. Yeah. What a liberating way to go, that would be. Adam Rowan, four camels. Yeah. Right. The camels of Blackpool.

I saw the video the other day on Facebook and some fellow was Facebook-living his landing on a plane in, I think it was Kuala Lumpur, and the plane crashes. So it literally goes from him smiling, looking out the the window it's about 300 foot in the air to screaming and then you can just see flames next to the phone that goes off i feel like that's where was that uh it was on twitter he was flying no he was a passenger like a pilot not a small plane a commercial plane yeah so it goes from facebook in it goes from not a small plane a commercial plane yeah so it goes

from Facebook and it goes from like I will land into screaming for a second to just total silence just a crackle and a fire

it's horrible I have any do you any use know Gus Limburn yeah comedian not Scotland

I done a drive to Aberdeen with him once and he's he's like I love Gus but he's a legit sociopath like sociopath i like just

has no feelings yeah usually great comedians so good and like a great a great laugh for a long drive but i didn't know really what live leak was and uh on the drive to up to aberdeen he just kept showing me like leaked footage of people accidentally dying. And I've never seen anyone laugh at something so much in my fucking life. There was one where it was a guy and he was an escapologist. Like, you know,

they put themselves in straight jackets and shit. And the guy was like, he was in a straight jacket and his hands and arms were bound and he was filming himself to see if he could beat his record. But he was lying in his bath with the bath water filling up and there's a moment where he just goes like and then he realized he's he's fucked it and he starts jittering and he goes under the bath water and just stops and i'm when to tell you that i looked over at gus and he was fucking crying laughing

he was like ah what a silly cunt it's like so funny someone's gonna have to come home and go and like go into the bathroom he's just lying there wrapped in a big bin bag the stupid cunt there's like a black leather thing god there's another great but it's but genuinely of all the things you i know it's bad i know someone's lost a life but there is an element of you silly cunt but also somewhat whoever found that found his camera and went enough time has passed yeah release it we can laugh now upload it there's another one there's a guy holding on he was like another stuntman this one's just on youtube and he's holding on to a bar underneath the plane and he's attached to the plane by a

like chain and it's like you know the amazing michael or something he comes out and he's got he's got like a fake little um the uh evil kenevel like jumpsuit with a wee cape and that and he's holding on to this plane it's like a little tiny dual engine plane and he's holding on to it and they're like right we're getting it he's up to 8000 feet or whatever and the chain snaps so he's just hanging on by his arms

and the last noise this one's funny the last noise he makes is the bitchiest little sound he realises he's not strong last noise he makes is the bitchiest little sound he realises he's not strong enough and he just goes

ehhh I was like can you imagine that's the last noise you make ehhh oh I'd say something really odd me

yeah oh fuck this no something like it's buried under the patio and then wink You've been watching Brooks Harvest

Jimmy Cork Hill Did they You Found The disease Imagine Quoting Imagine how

Confused People Have been If you used your last line Yeah for a bit of a Bunged up nose Imagine using your last line yeah for a bit of a bunged up nose why should I use your last line

what the oh have you watched that video again in the interval I love it so much that would be class man to leave to leave

Earthway just leave a big minging mystery for your family to unravel if I ever killed myself which I don't think I'm going to

bottom of the earth I'd love to leave it as like a big murder mystery. Murder mystery? Yeah. Suicide mystery. How well are you killing yourself? What, just accuse someone?

Just leave clues that make it look suspicious. So instead of... Try to make it look like someone's made it look like a suicide. Instead of a... Oh, right, okay. You know what I mean? So you're not leaving like an anti-suicide note where like, I did not kill myself, FYI.

That'd be a bit bang on the nose. Two on the nose. Yeah, that'd be a bit bang on, wouldn't it? I didn't kill myself, by the way. I did kill myself. How are you going to do it? I'm just going to make it look like there's been a struggle. Make it look like there's been a struggle,

signs of forced entry, all that stuff. I'd be getting in fucking massive arguments with people over really serious stuff for weeks in the build-up to it. He's cut into nine pieces. Gave them loads of suspects. Cut into nine bits. Adam's got 12 hours to live. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cut into nine bits and sellotaped into a suitcase. Classic suicide. Shot himself in the back of the head six times. That would be fucking unbelievable. Wouldn't try and frame me, would you? What? Wouldn't try and frame me. It depends why I've got to the point of killing myself.

I feel like if I ever get to the point of killing myself, a large part of it is going to be your behaviour. I heard a story about a woman somewhere in, it was like New York somewhere, and she worked in a hospice, and there was a really old woman, never really had any family. She just took to her, she never got visits or that. So this nurse woman just became really friendly with her. She was just this nice, quiet, old woman. And then when it was time, they were like, she's going to die, we're going to switch her off. She asked for that woman to be

in the room where because it was like the closest thing she had to family and she was in there and she was holding the woman's hand and she said the woman was like their whole career she was a nurse at whatever like big hospital somewhere in new york and like right through the 40s and 50s and that she's in her last words right before she like just shut her eyes and went she was like we swapped so many babies and then that was it gone she's like yeah we swapped so many babies yeah she was just like giving folk the wrong kids genuinely happened a lot so do you like people might be kicking about now not knowing

people will be just like one black kid in a white house and be like they should have had an inkling though

the signs were there I'd love to leave on something like that what do they do now just tag them spray paint on

the back what do they do to babies they brand them chip them what did he do like cattle because they're all in like that like big gaff aren't they together yeah i think they just don't i think they have cameras no hang on that's what they do now no do you think a maternity ward is uh about 36 babies behind a window yeah that doesn't happen anymore why yeah because i've seen it in friends yeah yeah it's not

a parking lot it's not like where are we going to leave these babies so i mean the mum's right there we could leave the baby right next to the mum nah we need to get to the sideboard we'll have to put them in a big hold area this is what you're thinking because you're used to your private health care in the nhs stand they're still in big rooms oh yeah yeah yeah there's not even there's not even beds now not even there's not even beds now in the NHS they're just lying about the floor

rolling about that's yours there's another one what were they oh very old fashioned but it's what TV uses and you know

yeah you know I don't I'm just telling you from the point of view of someone who's been there there isn't

just a big awaiting area of babies like which one do you want that one looks a bit gimping on it get a healthy one but that is your one no no no no no you're not mixed race yeah i'm here first yeah dibs daddy's raising a little athlete. Would you do that, Dan? What? Say you gave birth, yeah.

Laura. Say I gave birth? Laura's given birth. Yeah, I'd want an athlete. He's already a fucking achiever. Get out of my arsehole. No, she's knocked it out. Bosh.

Your arsehole. It's ready to come out of. I don't know. Where's my baby coming out of? Probably a cesarean. Oh. Thanks for levelling me out with that. They'll just cut out your womb.

Dan, that's absolutely ridiculous. That's shitting out a baby. It's coming out of your tum-tum. I mean, that's pooper for you. They can do wonders. Laura's done the deed again, but the baby's a bit like, you're like, oh God.

Nah, he's looking a bit mad. Right. Ginger. He looks a bit fucking tapped tapped and he's lying there. Yeah, Jack. And there's one next to it and she goes,

oh, which one's yours? I've got mixed up. What? And there's one next to it, weightlifting. It's like Dostoevsky, just having a read.

Three days old. I was like, oh, he's lying there, oh, I'm all cute and little. And your fella's going, hey,

where'd you go? Yeah, would I have done that two and a half years ago? No. There's no one reading next to Jack. He is mental and ginger.

How far into having your kid if the hospital phoned you and were like, were you fucked up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. If your kid was like nine, would you just be like, we'll just keep this one. Yeah, that's your kid then. Aye, we'll just keep this one. I think. kid then aye we'll just keep this one I think

but if it's like six weeks you go this one's actually a bit of a fucking I think it's probably nine months you know right I think like because

obviously women carry babies like nine months can't I so well I mean anyone can carry a baby out of them yeah totally

about seven and a half months where he's from so so like it's been yours for nine months baby out of them totally about seven and a half months where he's from so so like it's been yours for nine months if you've had one

less than nine months then you've had that one less time than you actually had so then you'd want to swap back but after nine months you'd be like

fine let's keep it what's the warranty thank you for that pop a row nice it was nice it's a good it's a good system

I see it it makes sense like if you've had it in you longer than it's been out. Also, I think it would depend on the kid,

wouldn't it? Like, if you get to eight and your kid's just a bit thick, getting in trouble in school, being a gobshite, and they were like, do you know what?

There's this kid that's already won the Nobel Peace Prize and is going to uni next year because they're that intelligent and it's actually your one, I be like yeah swap them back get yourself a little but if i've got a little mini leo messi who's fucking nutmegging teachers and everything i'd be like this is my kid what have you found out it was greta thunberg because she's gonna win that isn't she as a youth yeah she's 21

your kid's 21 he's a bit of the ball. Guys, I don't know how we dropped the ball on this one, but your daughter, we've given you a nine-month-old baby. Your daughter is actually a 21-year-old autistic. 21-year-old climate change activist from Norway. Swedish girl. Sweden, eh? You wouldn't believe what she's been up to.

Oh, fuck them fucking horses. Yeah, I'm keeping my ginger baby. She potentially got a human trafficker done as well. How dare you? Greta. Oh, yeah. What? Went to war with...

Andrew Tate. Oh, yeah. Top G. Andrew Tate. The guy I live my life by. She had a little spat with him on Twitter and he fucking buried him, made a lot of cunt.

But now he is in prison. He's out now. He's out now. He did three months. Yeah. But they're still going after him, aren't they? Because he's exposing the Matrix. Because of his pizza box.

That's what got him done. Yeah. That's what got him done. He posted a picture of a pizza box and it had the address of the pizza place on it so they knew where he was. That was a Romanian pizza box and he was banned from being in Romania.

So when he found out on the reply, he was like, he's here, let's go and get him. Christ, I bet a Romanian pizza box and he was banned from being in Romania. So when he found out on the reply, he was like, he's here, let's go and get him. Christ, I bet Romanian pizza is shite, I know.

Yeah. There's no way that's good pizza. I don't know, you know, because the Romanians have ties to the Roman Empire and Roman pizza's quite good

because they're Italian. They're the OG gypsies as well. Yeah, Romany. Can we say that? A bit Romany. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, I can. It's my privilege privilege you're not a traveler yes i'm a traveler adjacent just because i've not got wheels doesn't mean it's in the blood if you'd been to that funeral you're a traveler right that's how it works it was like being close to the center of the sun the power of traveler was so strong everyone there just left and like the audio listeners that was all connor oh that's fine they're sound people they're good people

it's got the blood in him He's alright He can do it I can I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm There's different versions of it over the UK, like different dialects, but you'd get by. Like there's loads of wee words that my mum uses them a lot. What's the language called? Mang the cat. Mang the cat would be like, can you speak it? I'm going on tour with your uncle. Mang the cat. Aye.

Not mine camph. Mine camph. Can you say some words in? Calza. So like... Calza. Salad. Salad. in Calais? Aye, so like, Calais, it's all the same. Like,

if my mum would be like, my mum uses it to like roast people in front of them. Go on. She'll be like, dig the mort's takees. And it's like,

look at the state of her shoes. Dig the mort's takees? Dig the mort's takees. I'm going to be honest with you, that's not that much of a roast to say in a different language. I can decipher that.

Dig as in, have a look at the more as women woman's takeys takeys shoes are going to take us somewhere dig the most takeys

aye does make sense though doesn't it it does make sense it's kind of scouse get on in there dig the most takeys another big thing is

is it takey is gadgie a thing in here right for a guy gadgie for a guy like a like a scally aye like a guy a gadgie that's a thing down here like for a guy gaji for a guy like a scally like a guy

a gaji that's a big one and like guys are always called gajis but I've heard like I've heard like a chava

in the new in the north east no not even like a chav just be like guys you'd be like look at that chav like look at that gaji that's just a guy

there's loads of wee words though I've I've I know bits and pieces my mum can have like full conversations in this mad made up accent. But it's so funny though because her family is literally like,

like half of them are like no fixed abode. Like they're just living on the road. Do you describe in Scousers? I know loads of Scousers with no fixed abode and we definitely could have a full conversation that no one else in the room would be able to get into. Do you know any people with no houses? Yeah.

Do you? I don't. It's a few in town. Yeah, but you don't know them, do you? No. Are you aware of homeless people? Yeah. I know homeless people exist.

I don't have an accent. It's a weird thing. People with no houses who don't even make much sense. I do know a few people with no fixed boat. Do you? Yeah. They get mail sent to the mate's houses. Bad men. Not always. Just, like... I do know a few people with no fixed abode do you yeah they get mail sent to their mates houses bad men

not always just like they were always like career criminals but it was never like any mental my half of them

had no fixed abode when he when my mum split up for a bit he was staying in my aunties and my uncles between them obviously they've got

their own lives so he's in the way a little bit and then my mum had a mate called Gayna and my mum and them but obviously they've got their own lives so he's in the way a little bit and then my mum had a mate called Gaynor and my mum and Gaynor fell out

because Gaynor and Billy her husband let my dad use their house for his mail and my mum seen that as a sign

of betrayal because she was like you're helping my ex fella not sort our problems out and be here so I'm not and they never

spoke again shit get out so we'll be settled that score fuck you Gaynor

picky blathers Gaynor and Billy it's not a it's not a very popular one some mad names on that

my mum said the family because of that as well my mum's side of the family Because of that as well My mum's sister was Euphemia Euphemia That sounds like an old illness She died I'm not going to believe it

Gayne has got Euphemia Terrible case of Euphemia I got Euphemia tickets The under 23s It's? I got Euphemia tickets. Beyond the 23s. Yeah. It's the new Hamilton. Euphemia.

I need a break. All right, let's have a break. We're going to have a break, Connor. That was fucking blinding, mate. Par four. Par four. Where are we in the podcast it's the last bit all right uh connor yes everyone will want to know where you are at the edinburgh festival i didn't adam's

just done a little advert for his edinburgh run and his tour we all just enjoyed that where are you at the fringe my friend just the tonic nucleus uh It was its first time being a venue last year and it was fine. So I thought... And that'll do. And then I hate paperwork. So they're like, do you want the same time, same room, bigger capacity?

Because they've got planning permission this year. Nice. Yeah. What's your capacity? 100. What capacity are you rocking? 100. 110, but we can only sell 100, I think.

So that's it. And now it's got a fully usable fire exit, unlike last year. Oh, that's quality. Which is why it was a 60. So just Sonic Nucleus doing every night, basically. What time? Half eight.

Beautiful. Show's called Vertigo. Is that the only selling point that's got a fully working fire exit? No, I'll be there Right And also That's more than you get

At a lot of fringe venues Yeah It was the reason why It was only 60 cap Last year Couldn't They couldn't Because of the

I don't know The fire exit But It's now at 100 Which is good Because it felt good at a 60 So I think it'll be good this year And you're saving

Four and a half grand On accommodation Exactly yeah although that is a sad thing when you realize i'd probably make more money if i just rented my flat and quit comedy my career is a giant financial burden on me we're not going to spare room uh i do but my uh you don't want to put a fucking comedian in your house for months. Well, that's it. Also, my other half has like an actual job. She's a lawyer. And she doesn't want some fucking wreckhead getting in at three in the morning.

Because like, I love Mickey Bartlett. He's a very good mate. But he would put up a thing. He was like, anyone got a room? I was just like... I do. I've got an Airbnb for the month, mate. Have you? Got a little discount by going, listen, girl. an Airbnb for the month, mate. Have you?

Got a little discount by going, listen, girl, take it for the whole month off you, you know what I mean? And she was like, yeah, you can't have that much off. And I was like, fucking sort it out now.

Oh, wow. He booked Airbnb over the phone. I actually booked Airbnb over WhatsApp. Really? Yeah. Spoke to her on Airbnb. I was like, I want you flat.

I want you flat on your back. Friday, 7pm. I'll be in your flat. Don't be there. I was like, I want a discount. And she was like, if you want a discount,

you better take this number and talk to me elsewhere. And I was like, oh, she wants to fuck. You're adding that tone. Just say it. Yeah. So you better take this number

and contact me elsewhere. That's it. When you go, you better take this. That was me elsewhere. That's it. When you go. You better take this. That was a voice note? It was a voice note? I'd be like, I refuse to be... Oh, you want it all month long.

I refuse to be taken to a platform where I'm not blue ticked. All right. Send me a fucking voice note. Wait, because I didn't want to like, what part of Edinburgh are you in? Are you quite central? I'm on Jeffery Street.

Great. Yeah. Jeffery Street's good. Good barbers on Jeffery Street. I'm on Jeffery Street. Right, it's like Monkey Barrel. I'm in Monkey Barrel in the comedy club room. Perfect. Perfect. I could, like, I reckon six minutes I could be out of bed and on stage. Are you going to test that theory as well? Yes, he is. Most days.

What time's the stage time? Five to ten. What time's the stage time? Five to ten. That's an afternoon nap that's gone wrong, isn't it? No, but I might go and have a little chill before my show. A sleepy chill? I didn't say I'm sleeping in the bed.

I'm just in the bed. I often get in my bed. Don't come a knocking When Geoffrey Street's rocking There's another thing I was going to say Especially something At the fringe

Aren't you glad That you're good At this job Because that is When you get to meet people And you go Why the fuck Are you still doing this

To yourself Like people who are like Oh i'm i'm in an eight room flat share but that's for the first two weeks and then i'm just i'm staying in a tent at a field next to the airport and you go fucking stop but you're obviously not good at this i haven't been paid for a gig all year but i'm doing seven shows every day uh start at half 11 in the morning go all the way through till one o'clock in the morning few swift ones to the loft bar

home by three back up to start at half eleven again that's me every day I am taking the third Monday off to every show

the other five are still running I am after 47 flyers to work four hours a day each I am literally crippling me

and my poor wife's life. I've remodeled the house again, as I do every July, and I can't wait to get up there and be part of the madness. See you soon. Two stars, Chortle. Across the board,

all seven shows. That guy exists. We're all picturing someone, aren't we? Oh my God, I know who mine is. I'm not going to... I don't think he's allowed in the loft bar. Mine's a woman. You can find them in a lot of lofts.

She's mixing it up. Very progressive. Good representation. Exactly. There's a lot of women that don't deserve to do comedy as well. Exactly. That's equality. Anyone can be shite at comedy.

Even women. Women, sans people, blacks, whites, Asians, Jews. Everyone can be shite. And men women trans people blacks whites Asians Jews everyone can be shite and men as well that's equality no but yeah the other one that pisses me off

could be great the other one that pisses me off is when they say when they they say producing when they're like oh I'm doing my own show

but I'm also producing three other shows. No, you haven't. You've put on a fucking mixed bill that no one's going to go to in a pub. You're not producing. Yeah, I'm part-time comedian, full-time producer now.

I am flyering for 47 shows every day just to cover living expenses. What's your professional opinions on people, stand-ups using directors? Well, I have one. They're both big fans of it. I have one. I never said anything, but I'm just genuinely...

Yeah, but the fact you asked the question, it's loaded, isn't it? I just can't afford one. I always sort of looked down on it until I used one and it works so it's good I think you need someone to tell you like

oh you stand weird when you say that don't do that it's not that it's just changing it's looking at it and going why are you even saying that sentence

like the audience don't know why that's there because you haven't explained it or it doesn't fit or whatever do you know who is he's an amazing writer for himself, hands down one of the hardest people to write with is Tom Stead. Because he can only write in his own voice. I'd write in

sessions like with him during lockdown and I'd be like, all right I've got this stupid joke like when I was in Australia a woman comes up and asks me for directions and then he goes like, let's just stop there. it's like what's her motivation and i was like was she asking for direction to try to get somewhere she's like where is she trying to get and just what a woman what is she she could be black she could be a jew i'm like i can't say any of that stuff i was like this black jewish woman came up and asked me for directions because she was trying to get

she was actually asking for directions Tom he's a the nucleus half eight yeah oh yeah

aye sorry nucleus half eight and then I'm going on my first little UK tour where you going September October so far we've got um manchester frog

and bucket nice we've got uh we're gonna have laughter house in liverpool uh we're gonna have glee club birmingham stan newcastle nice uh a london date but that should be sorted this week and then a bunch of Scotland dates. All right. The Conor's website is in the episode descriptions. Shall we do some prep, labais? It's an overrated, an underrated Explain it if you're wise with a shovel Overrated, underrated, Conor's, yeah, you get it.

Just go in the paint. Either way. Shall we do a speed round on this? Yes. I fancy doing a little bit of a speed round just because they're not always great and I just... Oi, here we go.

I've missed it. Brett Phelps says, duty-free, underrated, overrated. It's all shite and often more expensive than in a standard shop or Amazon. Good for ciggies, apparently. Good for biffers, that's it. I like the pageantry though

because it's like you feel quite guilt free something about being in an airport doesn't feel like real money yeah no I do know what you mean I like you're about to go on holiday in a good headspace

nah I stand by you I don't get it on the way out though that's what I I don't get it on the way out like of course you'll want all these extra baggage to

lumber into a plane with you because you're usually going somewhere where booze and stuff is cheap innit like I don't get it on the way out

and I understand people buying like a big bottle for the room and Aldi for like pre-drinks when they're getting ready and stuff I just hate people

who cream themselves over it people who are like fucking look forward to the duty free Monday they are weird damn

creep oh I'm profiting people are like fucking hell oh I might be going to the centre reef but I'm telling you I'm looking forward three months they are weird them people like fucking hell I might be going to Tenerife but I'm telling you

what I'm looking forward to mate the orange you see free at Manchester Air Force that's what I can't wait for

I'm not arsed about the sun I'm not arsed about the nest I want a fucking Toblerone people like that are just weird

I want a seven foot Toblerone that costs £16 but per gram it's actually cheaper than the shops the one that pisses me off that is weird is when people go to those duty free shops that are in

actually in the country so like sometimes a strip I'll just have like a strip in Spain or something I'll have a duty free shop on the strip yeah that's a cheap shop

yeah you just aye that's Spanish Poundland Yeah, you just, that's Spanish poundland. Sounds good. On the way back though, do I get it? I sort of get it on the way back. Like Adam buys cigarettes for somebody, so that makes sense. I'm part of a cigarette gang. Yeah, that involves you and your dad.

Yeah, dad. Yeah, you and your dad yeah dad yeah me and my dad the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step I've couldn't have got

the call to fags I've couldn't have got over a thousand ciggies in my flat have you Adam yeah yeah what

I've got over a thousand ciggies in my flat oh wow I've been gallivanting quite a lot this year I haven't seen my dad since I got back from Tenerife so I've got loads a thousand ciggies in my flat oh wow I've been gallivanting quite a lot this year I haven't seen my dad since I got back

from Tenerife so I've got loads of bifters do you buy a block every time not a block what do I mean a block a sleeve

a carton a sleeve that's what they're called sleeve of I get them a sleeve of biffs on every flight yeah sleeve of biffs and they know what you mean

oh yeah I guess I saw them open for biffy Clyde or once I got a sleeve of biffs on the way back from Dublin did you ask for a sleeve of biffs and they know what you mean I saw them open for biffy Clyro once I got a sleeve of biffs on the way back from Dublin did you ask for a sleeve of biffs? yeah

it's a big fanny what's his chosen you can tell a lot about a person he really likes the ones I get him the free ones my mum was always

regal king size oh yeah my dad doesn regal king size oh yeah my dad doesn't like king size he'd rather have two normal ones than a big one aye

that was my brother's nickname in school regal king size two normal ones for the big one because he's tall and our second name's regla

regla king size he was regal king size in my head embassy number one and regal king size were like aye like because that

one was red and one was blue they were like linked Lambert and Butler are they and One was blue It was either white or blue box Lambert and Butler Gold It was like cleaning lady fags Wasn't it Aye aye aye

Benson and Edges Was a bit rough And the cool The cool kids were like Marlborough Gold Aye That was always Marlborough Red was always

A cool kid thing No I got my dad some Marlborough Reds recently I don't believe you there's so many ciggies under his somewhere in his house don't tell the baglers

because they're definitely breaking in but he doesn't want to let them know where they are leave the PS5 by the way baglers you've got as much chance of finding them as he has. I showed you... Ah, shit. They're in me best room. Showed you where I am financially right now,

where the highest value thing I could think of being in a house was a PS5. What's something that dead posh people have? PS5. The thing I'd be most worried about someone taking from me is my webs. My good trainees that I like. I've normally most worried about someone taking from me house is me webs. Like me good trainees that I like. Like I've normally got my laptop on me.

Just on top of him. On his belly. My laptop's been here for days. Is this? I forgot to take it to a... No, we don't leave much in the house. Please come and steal my guinea pigs. I'm fucking sick of it.

Is this your laptop? Nothing. Yeah, this is mine. Rocking the Huawei. How are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? mine rocking the Huawei how are you how are you how are you how are you

how are you how are you I don't keep anything in my house I've got a lock up I've got a that sounds right I've got a Huawei

smartwatch Huawei I've got a safe deposit box yep right from the Royal Bank of Scotland in London oh

why have you told them that why stupid just that's stupid they'll know now that's how bank robberies happen they'll go into the Royal Bank of Scotland in London and go

hello I'm Adam Rowe can I get my box and they'll be like oh cool he knows his name I think I think they're going to be alright and then right is there a bit

they give it to him and be like wait a minute what podcast do you host have words ah so close mate so close, mate. So close. Where have I seen you?

I keep all my stuff off, you know, off property. Bosh. All right, Carl, we get it. It's not in Highton. Brett Phelps says, no, he doesn't. Craig Keating says, overrated, underrated, Asda Pizza. And the Asda Pizza bit.

It's good pizza. It is. I think. Is it Asda that they'll cook it for you as well? Yeah. That'd be great. They'll do it. You've got different bases.

You can choose the topping. Some angry woman makes it. You come back and finish your shopping. And they cook it while you shop. That's the bit, isn't it? It's good. It is good. Yeah.

It's obviously not restaurant quality. No. But it's good. It's good for Asda. I like watching them suffocate it to death on that machine as well, with the cellophane. Yeah.

That's good. Simple pleasure. Yeah, that is. Watching that. Also, when you're skint, getting one of their fat boy pizzas and loading it up for six quid is a lot of fucking food.

Are you a thick crust? No. No, I thought it would be thin. Time to change for me yeah yeah I'm lavish now thin crust thin crust

but back in the days it's a touch of class that when you get thin crust for one I've heard of deep pan me the Asda deep pan is like I don't go to Asda

I don't go there thick heavy boy I get that at Godfellas Gareth Jones says speed round speed round over speed round. Overrated or underrated,

fresh seaside doughnuts. I'm going in the paint here. What do you mean, seaside doughnuts? Absolutely underrated. He means some of those little goth fans at the seaside. Sporting events,

the seaside. They smell amazing, but they taste like, just pure, like, paste. Oh, there we go. Give me a bag of donuts and I'll sniff them all night like you in your 20s

30s and your early 40s but I don't know what I don't like you up until this morning I'd rather sniff

donuts than eat them the smell is better than the donuts they're just a bit much a bit underwhelming they just taste like grease yeah

because they are I don't know I fucking taste they taste good man. Bit underwhelming. They just taste like grease. Yeah. Because they are. I don't know. I fucking taste good, man. Bit underwhelming, eye. I ask for half sugar sometimes because I think they overdo it on the sugar. That's what we're talking about. They like literally throw the sugar around.

If you just get a little less sugar, I think that's a good donut. I think loads of that stuff's overrated. Like see like places, every town centre's got like a, one of those places that just does desserts and it's always like Biscoff waffles and that shit. I think it's all overrated.

It's too sweet. No, some of those dessert places. I mean, that delivery is good. Their cookies are unbelievable. Oh, a cookie dough with loads of vanilla ice cream and syrup in it. There's so many better donuts on there, on that telly right now than the ones you're on about.

Yeah, they're just a bit... And holding them feels like you're burning your fingers. Don't know if that's cinnamon rolls or something. Yeah, you can just wait, though. You can't wait until they're pumped full of raspberry jismy. No, I don't mean heat. I mean, because there's that much sugar on them, it's like it makes your fingers feel horrible.

Yeah, I do mean it. Like, I think half sugar is a good option on them. I really like it. Having said that there's loads of great donuts i'm just saying i'm kind of the one on the beach in tenerife was good that was basically the same thing just a bit fat i would take custard filled over jam filled as well raspberry oh absolutely the best one i love that cause i don't mind custard, but jam is better. Oh, no. No, I don't know. Those custard donuts are so good, man.

Maskbud Dar says, overrated, underrated, drinking while playing video games. What? What, like hydrating? No, getting pissed. No, that's so odd. Yeah.

That's so goth. It's sad. It's like... How to make yourself worse, a video. I also don't know what the rating for it is. Aye. It's another one of them, where he's written something in about, like,

is this overrated or underrated? Is this the only thing that non-Indians have got a rating for? What's that one? That's definitely like a... That thing that no one has ever rated, ever. Is it overrated or underrated? I don't know. That's definitely... His mum has pulled him up a bit, that. Yeah. And he's definitely like Nothing that no one Has ever rated ever Is it overrated Or underrated I don't know That's definitely His mum has pulled him up

About that Yeah And he's been like I'll get the lads on the pod Can you imagine If you were playing FIFA Mrs Dar Mrs Dar

Imagine if you were playing FIFA And you heard like A rattling of ice You'd be like What's that It's a gin and tonic That is a sex offender That is an actual paedophile

We used to have nights When we were younger Like getting pissed And playing FIFA That was getting pissed With FIFA playing FIFA that was getting pissed with FIFA not FIFA we're getting pissed

no I know what you mean talk me through it so we were getting pissed and we played FIFA while we were doing it he's drinking while he's playing FIFA

yeah I can see the difference you can though he was coming to mine to get bladdered and then go out and we go do you want to put FIFA on whereas he's going

I'm putting FIFA on I need a bevy he's on his own yeah games night oh my one caveat to that would be if you're doing a career as a manager a couple

drinks after a long season it's stressful oh you wanted a champ man guys i think i think finally you get beat you gotta get the whiskey out of the

room exactly the other managers chat room all right or you say you get the big sign in lads let's raise a we go what a brilliant way to enable your own your own alcoholism yes lee clark yeah this is just something he does oh it's underrated what drinking whilst playing games unless you're playing like Wii Sport oh that'll be fun Jake says

is Jake Garrett is wearing football shirts jackets etc at musical festivals music festivals and gigs overrated

or underrated so that's football shirts football apparel at music festivals underrated overrated it's not it doesn't have a rating.

It's just a thing you can wear. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I personally, I personally, I think football, I don't know. There's something about seeing a football top in the wild. Sometimes, like if it's clearly one that you just support, but isn't where you're from. No, no. I only wear ones that I don't support.

I think that's fine. I think if I wore a Rangers top out and about. If you see it, I will never. Yeah, but out and about, it's not at a music festival. I wouldn't wear any football. Like I wouldn't wear, I wear football tops in here sometimes.

But I wouldn't wear like a Liverpool top retro or current to go to the fucking ballet. But if I'm at like Leeds Festival. What you wear to the ballet? Beautiful example. I tell you what, I would wear my retro Liverpool away a lot of places, but not the ballet.

Not the ballet. That's training kit for the ballet. So this is a black tie event. It's just fucking hard. I wouldn't be invited. It was just for them. And a music festival. It's just one of the done things.

It's sound, isn't it? It's a Tiger Woods event. Black tie. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. One more. Matt Labnett says, overrated, underrated.

Sort of the things you raise. Is this what he's doing? No, because he's just done a really cack-handed way of writing out, but basically... Overrated, underrated, the things that you rate... Right, okay. Matt Labnett says,

not sure if this works better as a normal question, my opinion, or an overrated, underrated, but here we go. Not that this podcast is one for objectifying women but how do you rate these features on them uh face piercings face piercings i don't like

the nose one i just think they look like a hog i fucking love that hog i love a nose i actually did i actually did used to think what i've just said but i actually quite like it now I love a nose piercing on a lady. I actually did used to think what I've just said, but I actually quite like it now. It should be a quick turnaround. Five seconds actually. You know what, Dan? You have won me over. It used to really tear me off, but now I just don't like it. It has to be a subtle one. Earrings. I've said it before, they're such a weird ick for me.

Any earrings on a woman makes me sick. I think the kinkiest one though is that one halfway up the year that's the day that's to stop migraines that's a bit horny i quite like that so it's to show that you're game stop migraines what's the airing minute like limit i think when it gets to like 10 you're like oh and you're done and you're done do you know what is i don't like and i know it's like universally a thing of like if a girl's got nipple piercings it's like oh she's a bit bit wild they scare the shit out of me because i'm all all i can see when i see a pierced nipple is imagine it getting caught on something like a towel or something

when you're drying yourself and i just i you can imagine like going at it and you whip the sheets back and just both our fucking tits fly or one Have you seen that story? Or one of your cavities. Have you seen what they're doing in Thailand? Oh, yeah. Did we talk about this on an episode? No. Did they get brought up? Because we were talking about it the other day.

No, we weren't. I've seen it in a group chat. So what's happened is women are going over. Go on. Women are going over to Thailand to get boob jobs getting the boobs done and then obviously after the boob job

you get taped up and bandaged up and they've got to heal for X amount of weeks and then when they're taking them off they realise that their nipples have been stolen

amazing Thai people the Thai people are stealing nipples and selling them to trans people who want women's nipples absolute

ladies and gentlemen we've reached the end of humanity and i'm here for it girls are getting on me lads they've got no nipples they've been stolen off their tits i'd buy a few nipples man just i don't like my nipples pair of tits like homer simpson's eyes just i don't like my nipples i'd quite happily get some new ones they could sell me them women Women's nipples? That'd be class. What do you think about that then?

Yeah. What? So there's nipple dealers? Yeah. If you're a trans woman and you want... I just pulled away. If you're a trans woman and you want them to be... You don't want a man's nipple, just bigger. They get in your woman's nipple and sew it on.

You know how the police catch them? They go out on a cold day and you can see them in people's pockets pocket full of nipples he's got a pocket full of stiffies with his Stevie Wonder Piercy Lee Braille nipples do you call hard nipples

stiffies no stiff nips stiffies stiff nips stiffies is stiffy is a stiffy but like stiff nips pocket full of stiffy is a stiffy but like stiff nips

pocket full of stiffies is that a Scouse thing stiffy have you ever said I've got a stiffy yeah stiffy is definitely at least north west

Scottish tends to be like like a stoner or a stiffy a stoner got a stoner a pocket full of stiffies is the sequel to A Fistful of Dollars

and a few stiffies more I haven't said stiffy like properly for years i think we've mentioned this on the phone imagine how disappointed you are waiting six weeks to see your new tits the girl asked me for gymsy too and he be gbs said get those pants off and show me your stiffy she sounds like a busy I'd have been no thanks officer that would be that would be class

if you'd I'd have been on toes mate boot that fire exit open get your stiffy out sir not today officer you fucking busy cunt ta-da you're shagged by a busy

that's entrapment what is it's entrapment what was the busy if you'd have got your cock out you'd have went Indian's's Exposure, bosh. He did get his cock out. Yeah, but she liked it.

Technically, if it's under five inches, you can't have it on your person. She couldn't resist. I've been undercover for five years trying to take down people, getting their dicks out, but that is so magnificent. Fuck it. Yeah, I've missed the last five birthdays with my child but it was worth it yeah i'm not gonna charge you for that one because it's clearly just a bit of personal that's wild that was pants off and show me that stiffy that's brutal

that's demo in your bank no i've nevered over that one And you'd think I would Because toilet sex is a bit filthy Do you do time travel wanks? I've got to stop thinking about it Because I feel like I'm time cheating on Laura But I love time travel wanks Over Faye What's a time travel wank?

You and Faye on the beach. One last fuck before I ask an acqua. Do you think I'm the one? What? Do you think I'm the one? No. Do you think I'm the one? Not really.

At least we're going to have sex on this beach. Now you're crying. Dan, what are you doing? Wait, I've got something to tell you. Oh, God. I'm going to go with some ice cream oh I love a time travel wank

there's a wee packet of hot donuts for you after this just because of bubble not too much sugar do you mean like remembering old ladies

they're all old ladies now Tom they're all old ladies now former ladies a lot of them would have been buried at sea They're all old ladies now, Colm. They're all old ladies now. Four more ladies. A lot of them would have been buried at sea. Just sliding Joanna Lumley off the side of a booze cruise.

Shouldn't recognise him. This one's for the Gurkhas. I'd still fuck Joanna Lumley I watched Wolf of Wall Street again recently Where are you going with this? She's in it Of course she's in it No screech for that one

I'd support her as well She's the I'm Bruce She's rich She's the racy Auntie I'd also definitely still

pump Helen Mirren as well oh we've said that all along yeah but I would prefer to time travel back to 1970

to Caligula era hang on is the question Shag Helen Mirren or time travel or do you want a time travel

and Shagga forgive me no the question was what do you think of face piercings? Carl's got a history of not being able to place the question that he's been asked. But that is next level.

Hang on, what was the question? Was this from Jake Garrett? Would you rather time travel and shag Joanna Lumley or Nicker Nipples? You said I'd happily time travel to the 70s. I didn't know that was to shaghead or just the beater. Or what, the Summer of Love? Everyone had their nipples.

It was a different time. You couldn't move with Joanna Lumley's nipples. Back then, you just had to grow into the nipples God gave you. You couldn't go swapping them about like Pokemon cards. I reckon she can have threesomes if she forgets who you are halfway through? What? If you're shagging Joanna Lumley, then she forgets your face Yeah

And you're a new person You're not a new person, Karl To where you are You're not Why? Because you're not You're still me, Jon How big a break do you take when you're shagging Joanna Lumley?

What, has she lonely What has she got Has she got like She can't ruin people's faces She can't ruin people's faces She can't That's handy What for If you don't

In case you're involved in a crime She's a class She's a class bank robber She never rats anyone out She's like who are you with I don't have a fucking Was I in the bank I honestly don't know You want to rob a bank with her and bruce willis because he's got dementia now oh god yeah i'm stevie wonder what a bank job that'd be

who's doing what bruce willis bruce willis is like are you telling me at't see Bruce Willis Bruce Willis is like Are you telling me At the end of Sixth Sense I was a fucking ghost? Stevie Wonder's like I'm going

Where the fuck am I? And Joe Lumley goes Are you Stevie Wonder? And he goes No I'm Bruce Willis I'm done I'm done

I'm done No way Stevie Wonder's Just got goes back to them he's like who the fuck are you talking to I don't know that's it that is peak have a word thank you mate

I very rarely do this at the end of an episode but what a fucking blinder you just played mate that was fire cheers lids appreciate ya that was class oh shit we've got a song

oh god I love this song Finn isn't even here we don't care it's brilliant should we not do it then are you arsed should we DJ Jazzy Jeff

with summertime summertime yeah we've got yeah up and coming artist oh it's a great song I've actually memorised it it's a band called More In Love-coming artists. Oh, it's a great song. I've actually memorised it.

It's a band called More In Love. Song is called Go Home and is released on the 28th of July. They've got a gig in Casimir Stockroom on the same day to celebrate the release. And those words mean something to someone. And that's just on the audio. We don't do it on YouTube because of copyright. It's been a fucking great episode today.

Sign up for the Patreon. Buy tickets for all these things. Say that. Get on me. We'll see you next time. Oh no, I should be so over this It's so, so, so Pike seems just like me, it's getting so Out in space My head is gone and now I can't see straight Said some things I'd replace, cause it feels like a wonderful night to get

Too drunk in front of all your friends all alone Cause I think it's time that I should go home It's time that I should go home Ground control Spent my last three days inside this home I think it's on my soul One more trip up, they will sort it all I'm not sure One more trip up, they will sort for both

Oh no, oh no. All the pitch makes me, my head is gone and now I'm on the cheese plate. Said something's out of place. And it feels like all the nights again. Two drunk in front of one and two alone. I don't want the rights again To come here from tomorrow And don't I know Cause I think it's time that I should go home I was in space My head is gone And now I can't see space

Did some things out of place cause it feels like one of those nights again two drunken punks and one flinch on her own cause I think it's time that I should go home cause I think it's time

that I should go home