Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #24 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

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What's happening, guys? It's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month, and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Okie dokie Picking a pokey Good morning Jump seekers Oh my god

Ok it's happening Catch me outside How about that Is that Dave No There's no uncle Dave here Ok Who the fuck is that guy Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting.

Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word, Shut Down Dailies. Let's get through this mess together I'm every woman It's all in me Why are you singing now? I just, I don't know, just something just taking me I'm having my first beer I'm having a bloody beer like a bloody big lad

I've had beers the last two nights I've been nailing the beer52.com beers They're dead good Do you know what's weird? My least favorite one so far was the lager. Now, I'm a big lager man. I'm not really into my ales normally, but that tide's changing. I've drank four, three IPAs, loved them all, and the lager,

I was like, could take or leave that. But the IPAs, oh, they were nice. You'll find a couple of grey pubes and then you'll be like but i think crocs are comfortable and i just want to spend time in the garden and you know what i read the daily mail and i agree with some of it we should cut down on immigration and then all of a sudden you're as old as me yes ipas it's like a gateway drug to being a fucking old ball bag yeah do you like ipas is that an ipa that you're drinking there it's like a gateway drug to being a fucking old ball bag Yeah, do you like IPAs? Is that an IPA that you drink in there?

It looks like an IPA, let me talk you through this monstrosity, I just went to our local co-op and I had to do other shopping around, because we've I've not been boozing, I don't really booze at home, but for fuck's sake Adam we've been doing two weeks of lockdown this is our like 13th episode

of being shut down we've been doing two weeks of lockdown. This is our, like, 13th episode of being shut down. We've done more shut down dailies than we did original episodes before we went fucking every day. We were just weekly. And I was talking to my wife and talking to my brother-in-law, and we were like, should we just have a beer? We don't have to go crazy. Just break it up.

We've got into a routine, but it can't go on. Like, if it's another month or two months, it can't be the same every day. And we were like, do you do you know what great idea but i didn't have any booze in so i went to the co-op and i had to shop for other things to make it look like i wasn't putting people in danger just to get to australia dams so i basically got milk like i've got bear but that's and that's for me and got some got some tonic water and, they've run out of lemonade, so I made a mistake. This is where it went wrong.

They've run out of lemonade, which is really weird. Have you put, like, lemon and lime? I've put sparkling limon, which is by Volvic, and it isn't properly fizzy, and it says at the top, no artificial sweetness, and it turns at the top, no artificial sweetness.

And it turns out... I fucking love artificial sweetness. You've put lemon-flavoured sparkling water in a beer. I've made... You've put lemon-flavoured... Answer the question yes or no. I've been watching courtroom dramas at the minute, so... Yeah, I told you.

You're not prizing an army. I literally willingly gave you the information. Yes or no? Yeah, you know. dream dramas at the minute so yeah i told you like you're not you're not prizing army i literally will willingly gave you the information yes or no well yeah do you know because i just answer the question it does look like an ipa did you order the cold red oh and i've just read this it's lemon and lime with a hint of apple oh it's godly oh i wonder what it's let me just taste what it's like independently it's shit right okay so in an australia it makes an australia damn more shit but you know what because it's six weeks since i've had a beer and because i'm in a good mood and because we've got tomorrow off the podcast and it's saturday and i'm shut down mental it tastes quite nice i can't believe you've ruined the good lager as well. I like an Australia Dam and you've ruined it with that.

Yeah, so, Adam, I can assure you, the level of, you know, when you just get a little bit of giddy thirst and then you're like, hey, I'm in that place where it's just nice. Yeah, you're half a beer in. It's the best you ever feel when you know you've got beers coming

and you've had a little bit. Now, I'm pernickety with food, but I'm actually quite pernickety with booze. I mean, let's be honest, when you've got the thirst on, you do just booze, don't you? But I've got a mate, Claire, who's very fussy, but she is such a spanner when it comes to intricate drink orders. And I've taken her to gigs, like, we've been mates for about 10 years and sometimes she's a big fan of comedy and she's come to gigs with me

and she'll be like, listen, I'm just bored, and it's Friday night, and I'm going out tomorrow. Have you got a gig? So sometimes we'll drive, and it'll be like, you know those kind of gigs where if I said to you right now,

if you could do any gig for one night, they just open up the shutdown, and you're allowed to do one gig. None of these gigs that I'm thinking of would be the one gig you'd be. You know, you'd be like, hot water, Saturday, smash one out. Maybe The Frog when it's fucking electric.

Comedy Store London. I'm talking about a working men's club in Saddleworth that's run by a really good promoter, but it is a working men's club in Saddleworth. They can be great fun. I've taken her to those kind of gigs, and it's one of those places where they do, like, Stella, Carlin, John Smiths, those kind of gigs and it's like one of those places where they do like they do like stella carlin john smith's and then cooking gin cooking whiskey and she goes have you got any um have you

got any vanilla smirnoff and they look at her like she's just whipped out a fucking tit like oh what year is the wine from 2020 I got it yesterday what year I don't know I bought it yesterday from fucking Aldi I can be a little bit pernickety with booze like that I'm nowhere near that bad

but today because I'm in the mood this is fine it's a bit weird I'm a proper that bad. But today, because I'm in the mood, this is fine. It's a bit weird. I'm a proper booze snob. It's the one thing I'm snobby with. And I reckon, through talking through this, I reckon our next top five, which we'll do next week, should be

our top five alcoholic drinks. Should we not specialise? I'm just throwing this back. It's a great idea. Top five beers and then top five whiskies and then top five... I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

If it's Saturday afternoon and you're going into a beer garden at 2pm, that's not necessarily the best... But, you know, what's perfect at 10pm when you're on the dance floor, let's do two different... Like, afternoon drinking, evening night out.

Yeah, because you can't have a Jagerbomb watching the match at 12 o'clock. You can't have a vodka Red Bull with the early kick-off. And you always think, oh, fuck, I'll be the crazy one that's going for it early. And then you're the one

that nearly dies at, like, quarter to seven. And you're like... It's also... It'd also be really weird as well it does work both way rounds if you're in like a night club at three in the morning like do you do Guinness I just

feel like a stout yeah I feel like a stout goes really well with cocaine and ecstasy does anyone want a shambuku shambuku shambuku can I have a pims and lemonade I really love Pimms. I think it's Pimms the clock, babe. It's fucking up.

Yeah. I think it's about what the, yeah, certain times you tune into certain things, don't you? So we'll do top five day drinks, top five evening drinks, and top five absolutely bloomed in a nightclub drinks. Yeah, and then when it gets to Christmas, and we'll do like a Christmas top 5

if you've got ideas for top 5 that you want us to do and just people keep, someone's just message going, top 5 hip hop artists of all time and I see why you're asking but you're asking two comedians who don't know much of what they're on about you're gonna be like, no that's bullshit

I'm like yeah because it's not really I know all about hip-hop. Yeah? Yeah. Eminem's the best. Wow, where'd you get that tape from? I like that Juicy One by Biggie. Yeah, good.

So that's it then, isn't it? You've got the top two. Tupac was taken too soon, I think. Oh, mate. If he wasn't dead, he'd have been good. Super. I've heard of Tupac god you really know your stuff

yeah and all this modern stuff is not as good as the old stuff oh totally yeah yeah yeah what about Professor Green it ain't so stereotypical man not very stereotypical so funnily enough I'm actually massively into rap battles

right and there's a UK league and, like American and a Canadian one. Professor Green was like one of the best battle rappers in UK history before he went mainstream. Yeah. I love a battle rap. Yeah, YouTube battle rapping is good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those things where you're like,

oh, I should probably stop looking at this. Yeah. So we'll do some specified top fives. But yeah, where would you go? Say I just released you. In fact, here's a little... No one's asked this. I'm asking you, my old friend, my old podcast buddy,

where if I could just release you into comedy for one night? Like, guys, the shutdown has to happen because of social distancing, but we're all allowed comedy one night. And the comedy circuit opens up for one night, and you're one of the big alphas, top dog. Where do you want to go? You get your pick. Where would you go?

Outside of Liverpool. Because it's too easy. Stop talking about hot water. No, it's too easy, isn't it? Because you're going to say hot water because it's the lids innit? I... It's hard

for me to pick between three. Well, between two I suppose. They're both in London. So it's the Comedy Store in London and Top Secret Comedy Club in London. And a close third would be the Comedy Store in Manchester. Right. The Comedy Store in Manchester, some comedians don would be the comedy store in Manchester. The comedy store in Manchester, some comedians don't sort of rate it as highly. Do you think it's

not as nice a gig as the London one? It's just a different gig. Yeah, it's also a 45-minute drive from your house as well, which makes... But it's because they haven't just copied it and made a replica of it up north. They're like, oh, it's not as good. It's actually just different, and if you play play it properly it's one of the best fucking gigs you'll

ever have top secret in london and i think the the whole branding of it is like a secret gig it's really cheap you get loads like young professionals in it's a fucking banger of a gig top secret comedy club in london yeah just been introduced to the guy just before i've just never gigged there i've got a couple of gigs that I do in London, I'm not there all the time but I really want to press it because you're like the third or fourth person to be like

it is fucking amazing. They're like they're almost doing what Hot Water have done in Liverpool but down in London. Yeah, without the online success as well, it's all word of mouth and there's a proper like, it's like an underground vibe to it, it's like the of mouth and there's a proper like, it's like an underground vibe. It's like the only people who know about this are in this room. It feels

like that. Which is what all good comedy clubs should feel like. They shouldn't feel like a big cavernous you know, like hotel conference room. You want that downstairs New York basement vibe. And I know not all comedy clubs do, but...

I don't know whether you know this. So, you know the original Hot Water Comedy Club, which was on Seal Street? Not Harbour Street. Now, Harbour Street is in a basement. Seal Street used to be on the top floor of a building that had a few nightclubs in. Because it was on the top floor and not in a basement,

Binti, who is one of the brothers who owns Hot Water, he's the aesthetic side of the two brothers who run it. Because it was in the attic, he built some steps. So when you went from the bar area into the gig room, which was separate, you would go up

three steps just so you had to come back down them. So it felt like you were going into a basement that's amazing attention to detail amazing comedy feels better when you you feel like you've gone down into it so i've built it up just so you have to come back all good comedy is subterranean yeah even if it's not and it's a complete like it's like if you know hot war and you've met those boys that run it paul and binti but binti is his attention to detail for the actual room and how it's set out i love that i really love

sometimes he wants to talk about it more than i want to talk about it but i love that he's so into that because when you turn up at gig and they're like what light you're like oh fuck off well what's wrong with this big walkway in front of the stage? That's where everyone gets to the bar. You're like, oh, fuck off. Yeah, he's fucking on it. Do you know what's... If I can't have hot water, then I'm going Top Secret or the store.

Although Top Secret, I love it, I think I'm going to actually go the store because, yeah, I feel like... I'm very lucky that I feel at home at the comedy store now. I feel like I've got the freedom to do what I want to do. Yeah, you're one of the boys. The comedy store is such a big thing within club comedy that when you're sort of trying to get into the store,

it feels like you've got to be on your best behaviour all the time and mind your P's and Q's. Yeah, and also they use a lot of older comics as well, so you do feel young at your age you do for a while and then and then you're better than them luckily I've been in there for a while now and I'm really good at playing the store

and I think that's because I've let those nerves go because once you actually speak to the guys who run it and Don who owns it they're actually dead sound they've got this like they've got this air of like power around them because it's been built

up that way but they actually just love comedy and they properly get it. So yeah. I'll have to find some time in my diary. I'll have to find some time in my diary to come and play it soon. Do you want to tell your story? The old store. My old friend.

Ah, my old friend. Tell the story. I got banned for life from the comedy store when I was 23. Upset me, nasty bitch! 25 years ago. Oh, fuck it. Shut up. There was a second there there I wasn't listening

you hadn't done the maths I was just I was pity drinking you've this did you hear the joy in my voice when we started like

I'm every woman now we're talking about the comedy song I'm like no no fair enough they can fucking fuck you why did you get banned

oh it's because when when I moved to manchester i mean my relationship with the store has never been great i yeah moved to manchester when i was 21 and i went straight to get a job at the comedy store because of course it's the comedy store and i've been working at the hyena comedy club for a year i moved down to manchester on the advice of Craig Campbell, who's a bit of a legendary Canadian comic. I was like, I'm going to move from Newcastle to London. It's where all the gigs are.

He was like, fucking, he was stoned one night. I'm not a big weed guy. So we were sober and he was stoned and he was just on one. He was like, what do you need to do, Danny? You need to go into the, don't want to live in a village. You want to stay out in the woods. Get good. Get sharp.

Sharpen your skills. And then creep into the village. Have a little look around. Creep back to the woods. And he was like, I was like, I've lost the analogy. He was like, Manchester. Do Manchester. And he was right.

It was great. It was great because I was a bigger fish in a smaller pond instead of getting lost on the London open spot circuit. So I, as soon as i got to manchester i was like well i'm gonna work the bar like i've just been in newcastle for a year worked the bar helped out just totally immersed myself in comedy went to the comedy store and at the top of my cv it said i've just worked at the hyena comedy club in newcastle for a year and this fucking bellend who was doing my interview just had one of those airs of like

all right you want to be a bar person do you so she was and i was young enough to not get what was going on she was looking at my cv but clearly not fucking reading it so she pretended to read it for a bit and then went right let me tell you by let me start by saying this you have never worked anywhere like the comedy store and because i was 21 and just keen and i didn't get it i went yeah yeah yeah i am look at the top of the cv and she looked at the hyena in newcastle i just worked at a comedy club in newcastle i'm probably one of the first ever people one of the first few people that's ever turned up having worked at a comedy club it's not as good that's not what i'm saying but it is and she looked at me like i just shat on her leg she's like and that was the start of a fucking terrible relationship with the store

i think i did two or three king gongs one two came runner up on one They were just about to give me my first paid gig. I'd done an open spot, blitzed it. I was like 22 at this point. And then we started Beat the Frog at the Frog. And the Frog's Amateur Night was on a Monday, and it was dying on its arse. And I just wanted stage time. So that's where I'd ended up getting a bar job. I'm just aware that there's some people listening

who don't know the industry terms. So there was a show at the Comedy Store that still is called King Gong, which is, it's called a gong show. Basically, you go on stage, there's a new act, you're trying to do five minutes. Oh, it's a bear pit. But there's three people in the audience who have a card.

And if one of the people with a card doesn't like you, they put their card up. If all three go up, you get kicked off. Now, the Comedy Store already had that running and you and the Frog and Bucket started a different one, They put their card up. If all three go up, you get kicked off. Now, the Comedy Store already had that running, and you and the Frog & Bucket started a different one, to be fair, but you started a gong show at the Frog & Bucket on a Monday, didn't you? Well, we were the first person, first comedy venue.

There's now loads. They're all over the shop. But this is 15, 16, 17 years ago, and the manager at the time at the Frog because I'd been working the bar there for ages I was gigging I was literally jumping off the bar to do the set

and then go back on the bar it was great fun I used to do that it's the early days of Hot Water when it was in a nightclub it's fucking brilliant it's just brilliant if they'd have asked me

to go on stage five times I would I was just so keen that's the thing about being an experienced comic and getting paid for it you do so many gigs that you're much better at it, but you lose that excitement of first being obsessed

and just having it taken over your life and the ups and the downs. It's almost like a relationship, isn't it? Yeah. After the first three months, you're like, oh my God, we're so in love. Let's just bonk here. Let's bonk there.

And you don't actually know each other that well but it's all excitement after a few years you're like i'm not doing it unless it's at least 200 quid laura roll over or find me earbuds for fuck's sake yeah so um the comedy store found out that we'd lifted we the amateur night was just 10 minutes for every new act or whatever and it was dying on its ass the last ever i think it was called red red hot roar or something like that the last ever one uh there was uh i think it was 22 people including the acts in the venue at the end of the show so that was the compare the staff the acts and there was 23 of them and i just went i don't want some stage time

just dead keen i was like can i compare it every week i'll do it for 30 quid they were paying the pros 80 when i'll do it for 30 quid and i'll just we'll do like a gong show format but we'll change the night we'll change the names we'll change the colors of the cards we'll make sure the store don't get pissed off because the comedy store obviously how did that go for you dan the name of the comedy store was was basically lifted from the la comedy store the gong show is a tv format that has been lifted from american tv and then british tv so i was like well as long as we do a few things change the name and whatnot they'll be fine and i've never worked for the comedy store so So not fine. Not fine. Such a fucking shame as well,

because like, you know, I've always, but long before we were even friends, I was a fan of your comedy and your, your comedy, your style of comedy fills the stage. And at that London comedy store, you'd fit right fucking in there. It'd be home field for you in no time. It's so funny when, when people haven't heard that story, cause I don't like literally bang on about it. It's fine. home feel for you in no time it's so funny when when people haven't heard that story because i

don't like literally bang on about it it's fine the comedy store are allowed to book who they want to book like they took it very personally like i'd attack them i was like i was just a kid who wanted stage time i was just naive and it was really another instance of like the interview for the bar job when she was like wow you let me tell you and i was like like if i'd have known better i'd have fucking navigate i was just young and confident and a bit fucking thick uh but uh yeah people are like yeah when they find out they're like yeah fuck him i'm like no i i've tried to get in contact with him about three years ago can i come and play this am i is the dog house lasted long enough i would i'd be there to if they if they after the shutdown were like do you know what clean sweep you know we've all survived covid 19 do you want a gig

there'd be no pride to be like fucking right i want a gig there like there's been no horrific they've not like tried to ruin my career they've just gone yeah you've you pissed us off yeah yeah so let's hope one day that the bridges are built and we get a damn night and get at the london comedy store because i'd be quite excited to see that well we're not doing the live show at the london comedy store we're doing it the voxel comedy club because uh mooch has shown us much love and do you know what right i've only played the voxel comedy club once so that that's that's why it's not on on me me immediate list of where i'd go um no i've never played it Vauxhall Comedy Club once. So that's why it's not on my immediate list of where I'd go.

No, I've never played it. I've heard about it. I've never played it. And now they've supported it. I've heard it. Phenomenal. I played it on like a Monday night. So it was like an open mic night on a Monday.

And I was just running out some new material because I was in London for some film and stuff. And it was dead good fun. And I imagine, because it's such a tight, small room, I reckon on a weekend... Mate, if you've got a good gig on a monday you've got a good gig haven't you any gig that's good on a monday do you know when it comes to if i just had the night off uh like a night allowed doing comedy tonight this is what this shutdown has done to me it's made me go oh my god i hate driving on motorways and i always knew it but this has

made me realize how much more i hate it and i'd have to factor in locality to it i really i genuinely would if you just let me do a gig it's sad that i'd factor in how far do i have to drive for it so yeah you'd be doing alexander's yeah well, Manchester, Chester and Liverpool are so handy from where I am. You know, just when I was talking then about the excitement of something new and you lose that with comedy, I mean, you don't because if you're moving up, like when we did your tour show in Liverpool at the arena, was it the auditorium? The Echo Arena auditorium, yeah.

A thousand odd people. That makes you not, that's not the same. But when you're doing a gig where there's 150 200 people and it's a comedy club venue, I mean how many have you done? Like I've been doing this four or five nights

a week until recently for like 18 years. You've done thousands, haven't you? Yeah. The excitement I'm talking about, I get with this podcast. I genuinely get,

it's the same thing. It's like being a new, it's like being a new comedian again. You're like, Oh, absolutely. And do you know, like that,

I'm like that every day. I'm always like, so Jade got the podcast in 20 minutes. We get to talk shit to each other via the net. I really do you know what i'm really looking forward to like i am enjoying doing these every day sort of remotely i can't wait till we're back in a room together though no it's just a little bit of extra specialness to me when we're just in a room together it's better and then in and anyone listening who's like oh the sound quality on adam's mic's not quite right you're like yeah we are like everyone that's trying to do this remotely we're struggling through a little bit

of tech issue let's be honest it's not horrific it's still pretty good actually better it's going to get gradually better and we're going to get some videos out from next week hopefully we're going to try and get it up to back but yeah totally in the room that's what you want to be can you imagine the atmosphere there's going to be in the room when we do the live show, you know, the thank you show for the patients and the patrons are the most committed people to this. Like we've got at the minute, we've got about two and a half thousand to 3000 people listening to every single episode.

Every single day we get up to 3000 shut down dailies. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Um, and there's about 240 i think now who are patrons which is phenomenal we're so grateful for that they're the they're the super uber fans of this shit they're the people who are like oh my god and on top of that when we do the when we do the thank you show there's we're obviously gonna have to release

some of their normal tickets as well. And the normal tickets will go to maybe the people who can't afford to be patrons at the minute, but they'll be able to afford a ticket at the time who are also the Uber fans of it. That atmosphere in the room at that show is going to be off the fucking scale. I tell you what, genuinely, if you let me out to do a gig,

I can't think of a gig i'd like to do more than the live show of this podcast for that thank you for the patrons and like depending on what venue we find there might yeah like you say there might be tickets available and people will be like oh well i can't afford the patreon will i be able to see it i think we're going to start doing some regular live shows because we're we're live acts with us what always i mean we're newbies when it comes to podcasting we want it to be live i mean we're not going to be doing one every week but we want to do some regular stuff and yeah that's the that's the one that would be fire when we do the live podcast shows as well we're going to do a bit of stand-up as well aren't we i think how we're going to run it is me and you both do a bit of stand-up in the first half we'll have an interval

and then we'll record the the live show after the break i can't and i is me and you both do a bit of stand-up in the first half, we'll have an interval and then we'll record the live show after the break I've taken a bit of time off, obviously we've had some time off and I've been writing so much material, I'd like to try some on you now, I don't know can I just, okay, so I just walk on and be like, who's drinking?

and the crowd will be like yeah, we're drinking because it's a licensed premises and we're all over 18 and it's an evening in britain and i'll be like oh drinking's mental what's drinking like when you're drunk guys you know what it's like you get drunk and you feel drunk i've wrote my first line for the first gig bath no don't do a proper one when i'm doing a fake shit comedy don't write don't So I'm going to walk on. I'm going to go, hey, what's happening, guys? So good to be here. Just got back off holiday.

Hey! You see what you did there? Because none of us have. Because it's been illegal. This is what I'm going to do. You can't tell me that that Edinburgh Comedy Award's not going to be mine if I open my next show without it. I think they'll give it to you even though it's not Edinburgh.

I think that's how good that opening line is. I think they'll literally be like, oh my God, that's amazing. In a weird Glaswegian accent because that's the Edinburgh Festival. I'm going to walk on and go, hey guys, who remembers the 2012 Olympics? Anyone?

Because they were in London. And I've got some fresh jokes about the 2020... 2012 Olympics. Oh, I tell you what, coming down those stairs into this basement feels a bit like Fritzl's bunker. Thank you, thank you. I'm just going to sing. I'm going to become a musical comedian. What other?

That's what I've been practicing with you for. Oh, fuck it up. What other? I can't think. Why, man? Time for stand up with Adam Rowe. Time for stand up with Adam Rowe. He's got some new jokes.

He's got some old ones too. He's going to tell them all for you. Adam Rowe, stand up power. Adam Rowe, stand up power. Adam, Adam, Adam. Adam you adam rose stand the power adam rose stand the power adam adam adam adam rose stand the power i think johnny awesome's gonna be really pissed off for you when you start doing that sort of stuff that's basically i can't why am i being a dick why can't i think of hack stuff like i'm half brexit um why can't i what's i'll tell you what guys uh there's always a fucking moron

in every group of friends, isn't there? And if you're looking around, and you don't know who it is, it's probably you. Thank you, thank you. Alright, settle it down. During the lockdown, guys, I don't know whether any of you

can relate to this, but I walked into my room, mate, wanking, and I was during the lockdown, guys, I don't know whether any of you can relate to this, but I walked into my roommate wanking and I was like, listen, dad. I live with my dad. That's the joke, isn't it? I tell you what, though, I was banging this woman the other day and she was like, oh, fucking, I'm not enjoying this. And I was like, oh, all right, Nana. I got a bit rapey then. I was trying to do a callback with Nana, but it was... As I was saying,

I was like, God, that sounds like there's not been consent. And I think that's the bigger issue, really, than the callback and review. Callback and review. Ooh.

Yeah. Nana rape jokes. And if you want to see more of those, go to the Gong Show at the Comedy Store or Beat the Frog at the Frog and Bucket where new comedians Nana rape jokes and if you want to see more of those go to the gong show at the comedy store or beat the frog

at the frog and bucket where new comedians will say anything to get any form of reaction so I was raping my Nana oh sorry why is she dead it's just the joke died

and murder as well it's just the joke died I killed her with my dick. My Nana's so dead. My Nana's so dead. She smells really bad because of the decomposition. My Nana's so dead.

She was illegally pronounced dead by a medical professional. My Nana's so dead, she was accidentally lumped in with coronavirus statistics. Oh, my nana's so dead, I miss her. My nana's so dead,

I've just got three grand inheritance, motherfucker. my nan is so dead i've just got three grand inheritance motherfucker oh god god my nan is so dead we're no longer paying for a nursing home mate i think your writing's getting sharper yeah it's getting really sharp my nan is so dead i've got a new tea cosy I don't think we should drink on podcast oh shit

you're not drinking it's just me I'm not drinking maybe we should I don't know yeah oh god

do you know in South Africa part of the lockdown is they can't buy alcohol for three weeks it's another reason that i went out and got beer because i've got a mate my mate sean i went to school with uh was doing some teaching abroad like car your best mate carl's doing he did it in shanghai he was in korea for a bit and he met a girl from south africa and now they are happily

married they were living just outside cape Town in one of the rich pits. And he was like, yeah, no, we're fine here. He was like, how's the lockdown? And I was like, yeah, you kind of not allowed to do some stuff, but there is, like, a lot of stuff you can do. It's not the most restrictive thing ever. Like, I went for a jog. He was like, oh, you're allowed to go jogging.

I was like, yeah, you're allowed to go jogging. And he was like, yeah, we've banned alcohol sales for three weeks he was like no it's fine though isn't it it's fine it's fine it's fine i am missing it though i was like oh jesus that would make i think a lot of people's lockdown way more they'll never do that in britain yet there was an article in the independent wasn't there by um some like middle class t total guy and he was like maybe we should do dry covid and we should use it to kick this nation's alcohol habits and if you go to that article every single comment is fuck you fuck it's the only thing getting me through fuck you fuck you have a sambuca you daft cunt fuck you fuck you it's phenomenal it's the entire nation of britain going absolutely

not under any circumstances fuck with our coping mechanism okay we need this shit if if you joking about all people dying and corona is a hate crime is hate speech i think that could be classed as hate speech in britain going guys you know you're locked in your house. Please don't drink alcohol. Let's get clean together. I think that might be Costa's hate speech. It is. I hate it. It's speech and I hate it. That works out well. There we go.

What about this one? No games are going to be played behind closed doors. So it's null and void. The season. Is that hate speech? because you hate it it's hate speech I don't like it so it's hate speech

have you seen by the way in Belarus, the country of Belarus they're just not doing social distancing at all they're prime minister or president or whatever fucking one they have he said it's so nice. And vodka will cure the

coronavirus, so we're just gonna get everyone dead hot. The Belarus football league is still running. You can watch Belarusian football and bet on it. How starved of football do you have to be before you're literally ordering the kit of your favourite Belarusian

team? I am all in on B borisov they're my new oh mate but they're the man united of fucking belarus can you do it can you can you do it to yourself i don't know why why are they all right they're the liverpool uh fucking yeah stop being a fucking little pauper football fan he's like oh it's one of the big teams. You can't follow it. Listen, I'm used to success and I want it. Bate Borisov. Did you just literally get angry as a Bate Borisov fan? That's amazing.

Bate, Bate, Bate Borisov. Football fans are so eggy. It's unbelievable, isn't it? Mate, go fuck yourself, yeah? I'm Bate B for life. Football fans are so eggy. It's unbelievable, isn't it? Mate, go fuck yourself, yeah? And batte B for life. And we all go batte mad. Oi, oi.

Batte, batte, batte, batte, batte, batte, batte, batte. Oi! How depressing would it be? B-A-T-E-B-O-R-I-S-O-V-O, you know. B-A-T R-I-S-O-V-O B-A-T Carol Vorderman how sad would it be to actually watch football play behind closed doors though I know I know

you want to see the season finish but it would be so awful, wouldn't it? It will be awful, but... Do you think it's definitely going to happen, this? The closed doors?

100%? 99. Oh, right. Okay, good. I think there's a little chance that it doesn't, but no, I think it will happen. And it won't be good,

but it'll be better than no football. When they score a goal and they have to just thumbs up from two metres apart, like, great goal. Well, no, they're going to put each team into their own quarantine camp. Right. So each team is going to be sort of isolating. Yeah, without the wives and children. Yeah.

It's not happening this, mate. I'm telling you, it's not happening. You know, if poor people are being separated to keep a disease apart, people who make

eight million pounds a year aren't going to be like, yeah, you forced us to do it, you know, because Sky Sports have got a deal on. They're just, they're not going to have it,

are they? They're lawyers. They won't get paid, though. They won't? They won't get paid. So at the minute, if the season doesn't get finished, Sky are due all of their money back

for the rights to broadcast it. And then the clubs will say they haven't got the money to pay the players. Yeah, but the Premier League can put a three-month holiday on that, I think. No, it has to be finished.

It's worked for my mortgage, so I'm sure it can work for the Premier League. It would be so depressing. Can you just stop? Because Liverpool are winning the league. I'm not having another fucking word said about it. We are the champions.

End of. All right. I'd love the season to be null and void, though, because Watford are 18th. Oh, no! 17th. We're 17th. We've played a game more than Villa. Yeah, you're right.

Liverpool are champions. Let's just call it here. Let it stand. Let it stand. I'm going to have a little top up. Oh, Adam. I miss you. I'm getting emotional. I might even try to have sex with my wife later oh god she does not look like a woman who wants to have sex with me she's just giving me looks like i've started digging up bits of the garden

and you can tell she's like you and i'm like no what it's going to help irrigation love because this bit's a bit boggy so when we rotov next year, we'll have a better lawn for it. And she's, like, humouring it. Are you trying to give yourself a backup job? In her eyes, you can tell she's like, I'm so dry, and I will always be dry. You're sorting out the irrigation, but you're drying my poo-poo. She's not banging me.

Well, I'm doing a lot of gardening, though. Are you trying to give yourself a backup for if comedy doesn't insane? No, I just bought... You're going to be a landscape gardener i just bought a dan and his chainsaw you've been to this house this the reason we could afford such a big house is because the old boy that owned it was a lazy twat and didn't do anything and the garden is wild right and and i am no god i don't know what i'm doing about but i you know i've got time on my hands now i actually read an article today that said they're thinking about really uh like slowing down the social distancing rules within like 10 days two weeks they could really reduce

them and in my head i was like fuck i've got way too much gardening to do you can't reduce it i've got shit to do i've already dug a little fucking trench in the garden so yeah i have been doing gardening but just for something to do in it i just want to come out of it feeling like i've done something there's no skill involved i'm just digging a fucking hole at the moment i want to come out of it losing a bit of weight but at the minute it's not going well because i'm drinking fucking three cans of pepsi are they trying to get them to sponsor us and me exercise bikes being delayed it's not coming till the end of may you're gonna be that guy're going to be the comedian that orders the podcasting equipment like, right, I'm going to do

my podcast next day. You're allowed to gig again. Fucking hell. Big shout to everyone. When you put out the back call for the original Worders, and by the way, it's taken fucking hold that. Worders original.

One of our listeners, one, has latched onto's taking hold, that. Word is original. The word is... One of our listeners, one, has latched onto it. No one else. We've got up to 4,000 people who listen to this. We're up to two. We should call them the Lids and Lidettes. They're our followers. The Lids and Lidettes.

Word is original. Yeah, but, you know, let's have our fun. It's a comedy podcast. I've just got a notification to my phone here, right? it's a comedy podcast don't you know i've just got a notification to my phone here right it's a football notification from sky sports it says steven kenny replaces mick mccarthy as the republic of ireland football manager with immediate effect not with immediate effect is it hello there lads hello there lads we're going to do a team meeting now oh come on Hello

Listen I can't see you on the zoom Would you put the fucking Skype up Look You're looking at the fucking wrong Laptop camera You bastard Come on now

Great Great meeting Could you give us Right now I know you give a fuck about football But Jeff Stelling put that tweet out going I love football Does

When everyone The transfer rumours I'm like I just don't feel like oh no I'm fully invested in it still really all the rumours

I just feel like it's just journalists making shit up at this point that's always what it is yeah that's true isn't it it's very very rare

a transfer rumour comes to fruition there's so many Liverpool have been linked with every 50 million plus player on the planet been linked with every 50 million plus player on the planet.

I thought you said 50 million plus. I did actually. I fucked it up. Death on expensive plus. Can I ask you a

question? Yes. Have we got any podcasting to do today? Have you got any features or are we just chatting shit?

We'll have a drink. We treat this so professionally and I want to... I'm fucking over it the mate. I've just noticed features or are we just chatting shit we'll have a drink we treat this so professionally and I wanna, I'm fucking out of it I've just noticed, we're 40 minutes in and we haven't done anything yet can we just free wheel a bit, do you know my mate

I've had a mate message me and go you know the features where you work really hard to sound like a professional podcast he's like, it's fine, they're all good those bits and have a word, I get it but the best bits are when you just talk shit at each other i'm like but it's pretty good do you want to do you want to do stuff we can do stuff we can just just think it should resemble all right let's have an african woman say something okay boys let's do another feature already.

What would you like to do, Adam? What have you got? Well, I've got, to be fair, I've got a backlog because yesterday we did top fives. I've got some WYRs, which is, I'm never going to call them that again, would you rathers. We've got, yeah, we've got some questions. What would you like to do?

Do you want me to just pick some, see how you feel? Fire a question at me first. Go on, do a question. Then we'll do some would you rathers. And I've got some have a words prepped, including some closure to the Amy and Robert thing from a couple of days ago. People have been asking.

The relationship that is doomed. Yeah. People have been asking. Right. Okay. So we've got some questions. Topic for discussion. This is from Nigel Stapleton in Brisbane, Australia.

Hi, Nigel. Thank you for... Is that me, Nig? That was my Australian. Wonderful. All right, mate. Nice. I've been fighting in Brisbane Brisbane having a few titties

and a fucking shrimp on a barbie. You sound really cockney. No. You're having a fucking shrimp on a barbie. Yeah, that's Australian. Actually, now we're saying this. All right, nice. Am I the only one?

I think that might be why the Australians have that accent. Because all of them got deported from London, I bet. He says... Listen, listen, listen to this. All right, mate, are you doing all right? Yeah, I'm from fucking London. I'm a convict. I've been putting clappers.

I've got stuck on a fucking boat. I'm going to the fucking... I'm going to the island. Right? Ready? G'day, mate. I've been stuck on a fucking boat. I've been putting clappers. It's a fucking... It's not far off. Completely different accent, isn't it? Yeah, I'm pissed.

I'm really pissed. What time is it? What you just did was said the same words in two different accents. I'm like, they're the same, aren't they? No? Yeah, my boy. If you and Adam had to compete in an Olympic event, you know these Olympics that have been We said the same words in two different accents. I'm like, they're the same, aren't they? No. Yeah, my boy. If you and Adam had to compete in an Olympic event, you know these Olympics that have been fucking cancelled? Yeah. If you and Adam had to compete in an Olympic event

and were forced to go to Japan, which event would you choose and why? And just, hey, just be serious with this one, Adam. None of your flights are fancy. So I assume I'm not allowed to compete in the 100 metres because it'd be unfair. I just love it. If they just, just for a laugh,

just let one British comedian be in every Olympic 100 metre final. And you had to take it seriously. Just to see you in the spandex and you had to be last so like you know when they go down the line with the camera and they're like from america and there's always some douchey like steve from america taste it's gay push the next event back from litterpool the hundred meters normally takes approximately 15 seconds to finish, but Adam Rowe is in his eighth minute now. Three asthma attacks. He's going to have to push back the discus.

Literally. So Adam has finished. Twitching on the fucking... 100 metres is far, you know. Like, Usain Bolt runs it in 10 seconds, Donnie, but I reckon they'll have to stop. Shut up. Shut up.

You know all they need? You know the Greyhound track where they've got the bunny rabbit? Did you just tell me to shut up? All you'd need is, if you were, the athletes wouldn't need it, but you'd just get an ice cream van and you'd just run it down the side of the track, you'd be fucking flying. Just put you in your slippers, it'd be like Have you never seen me before?

Upset me, nasty bitch! We'll just get you in your slippers. He'd be like, I've never seen me before! Nasty bitch! Ah! Upset me! Nasty bitch! We'll just get you in your fucking sliders. You'd be fast as fuck. I reckon you'd give them. Just get... I do reckon I could beat Usain Bolt to an ice cream van.

It's all about the fucking incentive. Not sliders, but like, you know, wearing trainees, but where your heels actually on the back like you've slid your trainers on

that's how you run to the ice cream van and I'm fucking rapping me's the only white magnum left in that freezer kid I I would like to be a lesbian female shot putter do I have to be myself

in this? Imagine... You have to be yourself, yeah. Imagine fucking a big female... I think we should change the question slightly. Okay. Do you want to fuck at the Olympics? No. Belarusian shot putter. I want her just to be in control and be like, damn. Oh, fuck it. She's Belarusian.

She's not being social distancing. Yeah, exactly, mate. She's the most cuddly of all the athletes. Fucking social distancing. Disgusting. Come here. I usually like a woman, but you're so feminine, you pathetic Western people. You sound like your child again.

No, this is my Belarusian lesbian shot, but it's a very good impression. You're a Russian Domino's delivery guy. It's the same fucking Belarusian Russian, Belarusian. They're just pretty Russians. Worst joke of the podcast ever.

Easily. And it's staying in, don't you dare edit that out. Here's the question, right? Changing it slightly. You've got to compete in the Olympic event that you think is most likely you could meddle in. What event do you give yourself your best shot to get at least a bronze? Are we talking summer or winter?

Summer. Because I think winter, as long as I was all right with dying, I think I'd give, I'd put a bit of weight on. If I did the downhill, you know, the fucking Eddie the Eagle, the long jump, I'd put a bit of timber on if i just pushed off at the right time i mean i'd die but do you can you get a bronze post posthumously you're forgetting that your weight will mean mean you're less wind resistant i'll just get some lube on um what are you doing i'm doing something what are you doing I'm doing something what are you doing

shut up I'm not cutting this out either my shit joke's staying you texting I'm texting you an edit point for the pod just check it in a bit after the episode why are we doing this on the show god you become so unprofessional

when you've had a beer you can just say an edit point you fucking plumb. It gets edited out. I'm just texting you to check something. Just forget about it. Why? What do you want out? What of that did you want out?

I'm telling you not to cut it out. It's just every now and then I hear something in me that sounds a bit tinny. So I'm texting you to check those exact minutes and seconds. You're very professional. Very professional. Yeah, because I'm not fucking a beer and a half in.

I'm not either. Oh yeah, I am. You're such an old man. Who's counting? He's had half an Australian and he's fucking goosed. This is going to be a dodgy end today, this. What summer Olympic event have you got the best chance of getting a meddling? Well, I'm not fast and I'm not strong.

And I can't run for very long. Sumo wrestling. I've not put that much weight on. I've put a few pounds on. Tactically. I think it's Haagen-Dazs. You could get one of those trainers who teaches you how to use an opponent's strength and weight against them.

Sumo wrestling's not in the fucking Olympics. Yes, it is. Sumo wrestling. Just Japanese wrestling is in the Olympics. Oh, it might be jiu-jitsu. I'm thinking of. Fucking hell. What happened there?

Did you just literally take two Japanese-y sounding words and just smash them together and you had, no, no, it's Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, no, it's fucking sushi. I'm checking this. I think sumo wrestling is in the Olympics. It's 100% not in the Olympics. That's so unfair.

That's like having Morris dancing in the Olympics. Only fuckingapan does it sumo wrestling is in the olympics no it's not sumo granted full recognition as an olympic sport by the ioc when in 2018 oh so it's never been in the olympics but it is it's going to be in the 2020 olympics that's in j Japan and then everyone's going to go I wonder what chances are that a Japanese person wins that Adam, never mind me, my time's done

I'm old, you have a chance the Olympics has been delayed you're a big lad, you've got that beer52.com order, you've had three Pepsis today lean into it, get bigger get stronger, get fucking sumo come on, have a word and on you you know and you the big like fat man fucking diaper that they made you wear you could have

have a word pod slash have the fucking patreon on your just above your tubby little arse cheeks oh Adam you could do it oh you could do it never mind me I'm old I don't even want to travel to gigs I'm not travelling to Japan for the Olympics I think I'm going to actually go to the Japan Olympics actually

next year like I wasn't originally planning to compete but maybe now I will I think you can do it. Can you imagine it's like Jade's face and you're like, Adam, you can't have a third leg of lamb today.

I've just seen in your eyes that this is the bit that you're going to make a picture out of to promote today's episode. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen your eyes go, we've got it. We've got it. This is why we need the videos back because I'd be

fucking have you I'd literally have you edited onto a sumo controversial I'm not that big a fan of the Olympics I'm not really I like the table tennis

I feel like everyone like absolutely wanks over it and then doesn't watch any of the sports for four years like oh it's amazing isn over it and then doesn't watch any of the sports for four years like oh it's amazing isn't it

well why don't you go to you know to athletics you're like yeah it's boring I don't know them yeah it's a fun

no it's a nice event to have every few years and people can be like oh I like the Olymp but I don't I don't really get into it I like the table tennis and I'll watch

the 100 metre final sorry what did you just say I like the table tennis and I'll watch the 100 metre final. What did you just say? I like the table tennis. Why? Because I grew up with a table tennis table in the back garden. What?

I had a table tennis table in the back garden growing up. I'm really good at table tennis. Why are you laughing? I think this alcohol is weird. What? All I can see is just a young, scouse,

sumo wrestler playing fucking ping pong in a backyard in Dovey. I'm really, really good at table tennis. Are you genuinely? I swear to God. Are you our own little Forrest Gump? No, I'm more like one of the Chinese ones

from the Olympics. This is off the rails, isn't it? Should we do have a word? Because I can't. You've got to take control now. That was the least professional middle section ever. It was 11 minutes long.

It included one point when you went, mate, I've just, what are you doing? These are edit points. I'm like, what? What's an edit point? And then I've ended the whole section by going,

making the sound of table tennis playing. I can't get the image out of you. What do they call them? This is the sound of table tennis. You ready? How competitive are you that you couldn't

just let me have the fact that I've done an impression of table tennis? You're like, no, that's fucking bullshit. If you fucking saw out your table tennis impression,

maybe the comedy store will have you back. This is part of the reason that they've no interest. Yeah, you fucking robbed a night off them, but also your table tennis impression's shit.

And I know because I grew up with fucking table tennis in the backyard. Well, all I'm saying is, one of us does a good table tennis impression and they're also booked at the comedy store. So there's a correlation there whether you like it or not, motherfucker. Hi, guys. Welcome. It's great to be back after the COVID- or not, motherfucker. Hi, guys. Welcome. It's great to be back after the COVID-19 outbreak.

We're all great to be out. Who loves table tennis? I've got a few impressions for you. Here's my impression. Okay, I'll be ending with this one as well. I'll be signing table tennis balls at the end. I don't do merch. I just sign paddles.

They're going to steal the paddles. My daughter is not playing ping pong. Have you got any would you rathers? I want to do a would you rathers. I also at the minute really want to leave

you in charge. Oh no. Oh no. You're not serious, right? So at the minute, really want to leave you in charge? Oh, no, don't. You're not serious, right? I think we're about five minutes away from you just having to go for a wee. Mate. And me just filling.

If cocaine dealers were allowed to deliver in a shutdown, I'd be fucking sending some messages out. I'd be sending the bat phone. I mean, cocaine dealers were allowed to deliver in a shutdown. They're never allowed to deliver. Oh, yeah, that's true. I think it must be... The police have been arresting all the cocaine dealers. Yeah, because they're the only cunts driving around.

I've come out for my husband's insulin. That's a fucking likely story, Maureen. Dear Adam and Dan, would you rather fight a Steven Seagal-sized seagull with... No, that's so ridiculous. I don't even know why I've written that down. I'm too pissed. Finish it.

I'm not pissed. I've just got a warm head. Finish it. Would you rather fight a I've just got a warm head. Finish it. Would you rather fight a Steven Seagal-sized seagull with Steven Seagal's head? Oh, right. So like a six-foot seagull with the head of Steven Seagal. Am I ODing on Estrella Dam?

What the fuck is in this lemon and lime thing? Is it LSD? So a massive seagull with Steven Seagal's head or ten seagull-sized Steven Seagal's with seagull's heads. All, you know,

all I can think of is ten jades touching your dick. And there's today's no context, have a word. Tiny hands. I'd rather fight

the 10 seagulls with Steven Seagal's head. Yeah, of course you would because... No, no, no, that's not it. It's the 10 tiny

Steven Seagal's with seagull heads. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was the other way around, you'd be like, mate, you've taken the beaks away. It's the most dangerous part.

Yeah. You could just volley a load of fucking midgets. Mate, that'd be a big fucking seagull, though, wouldn't it? Yeah. With Steven Seagull. That's almost terrifying. He's getting you chips, isn't he? If that seagull wants a chip, he's getting one.

Damn. Regular-sized seagulls are scary enough. They're horrible cunts, aren't they? Have you ever seen them have you ever seen them with blood on the beaks look how drunk you are you don't use the word cunt on the podcast you just call a seagull a horrible cunt

better than a listener's partner seagulls are horrible fucking twat folks Better than a listener's partner. Seagulls are horrible fucking twat fucks. I do hate seagulls, though. I hate seagulls. Everyone fucking slags off pigeons. Seagulls are wankers. Seagulls would eat your face off your face.

Wouldn't they? They've just got that look in their eye. They're like the sharks of the seaside. Everyone slags off pigeons. No, but everyone does, don't they? They're the vermin of the sky. Seagulls are wankers. This is not a podcast anymore. If you left your baby on the beach unattended,

a seagull would eat your baby. A seagull would be like, give a fuck, you left it, that eat your baby. A seagull bat. Give a fuck. He left it. That's my baby. What would a pigeon do? Just they're useless. What's a pigeon doing to the seaside? That's what you're going to sound like doing

sumo at the Olympics. He's getting tired. Another Pepsi. I can't believe how off the rails we've gone today. One of my favourite episodes of all time. You know, yesterday I messaged you, I messaged Adam last year going, you know what, Adam,

although that wasn't one of the funnier episodes, episode 23, I think it was really insightful and I think, well, you know, there was some interesting debate and really interesting. And today, i think we've redressed the balance also bullshit what i i think what we should do right now

is have a word from our sponsors and have a word with our listeners so dan when you edit it put the sponsor bit here. Oh, shut up, you fucking rat. It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors. The original gangster sponsor, Vauxhall Comedy Club, is proud to present Bottomless Booze Comedy every Friday and Saturday night, coming back some point soon. Hopefully. Possibly.

This frankly bonkers offer gives you 90 minutes of comedy from top-circuit TV comics, as well as 90 minutes of bottom from Top Circuit and TV Comics, as well as 90 minutes of bottomless booze from just £25. That's bottomless beer, wine, cider and hand sanitizer for just £25. Spirit and Mixer bottomless tickets start at £35, and entry-only tickets for the straight-laced purists start at £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is normally open Monday to Saturday,

and is also right next to Vauxhall Street Food Gardens. Loads of really good street food vendors. That's open Monday till Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable future. But instead,

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choose Voxhall Comedy. Oh God, it's dragging on, isn't it? Let's deal with some issues. You take control. You take the wheel. I've had too many. It's time to have a word with adam and dan send us all the problems that you have with your friends um have a word so bit of closure from the other day a lot of people have been asking for this haven't they well a lot of people yeah a lot of people what the fuck happened with

me and robert and what i know about our fans is they're an aggressive type. What the fuck? Where the fuck was that? I've watched Tiger King for no reason, you fucking lit. So this is from Amy, who anyone who didn't listen to, I think, episode 21, Robert and Amy are a couple. And Robert wrote in the other day saying they'd broken up and uh uh just go and listen to episode 21 if you haven't um but basically they broke up and amy had bought robert a holiday for his birthday and she was going to keep it because they'd broken

up and he was like i'm aware but i tell her she's a cunt and i told her she was a cunt dan was on her side amy's wrote in she might She might be fit. Wrote an in. Wrote an in. She's wrote an in. Hi, guys. It's Amy here. My boyfriend, Robert, wrote in, and you read this out on episode 21.

First of all, we're now back together. It's the easiest choice, isn't it? I fucking hate you, but you're still here. Get your knob out. We're now back together, and it's partly because I burst out laughing when I heard our argument read out on the podcast. Yes.

So I'm holding you two responsible for keeping me in a relationship with a certified dickhead. That lift us up where we belong. Also, if we put up with each other long enough to get married you two have to come and do comedy at the

wedding I won't take no for an answer well I'm telling you right now you're gonna have to take no because we're not doing it I'll come to the wedding I'll come

for the free bar but I'm not performing I bring my Belarusian lesbian shot putter I get quite a lot of messages you know asking me to do comedy at weddings,

and I always tell them 10 grand. And the reason I say 10 grand is it's too much for anyone. If anyone would pay me 10 grand, then I'd be happy to embarrass myself for that much money. So I did it for this couple, the Cheesemans, who have been...

The what? They're called the Cheesemans. They've been coming... Oh, fucking Carrie and... Oh, balls. The Cheesemans who uh you've been they've been they're called the cheesemans they've been coming oh fucking carrie and oh balls the cheesemans anyway they've been coming to see me in leeds for absolutely years and they were like we're getting married and we would love it if you did it we've been coming we actually one of our first dates was coming to see you at the hi-fi and then they put part of their reception at the hi-fi and they were like, it's at the hi-fi for like three hours. Would you come and do comedy? We'll need you from 6.30.

And they were like, would you do it? And I was like, I absolutely will. Never have you had a better situation to do comedy at a wedding. You're in a comedy club that is a good comedy club. There was about 15 of their mates and them at the front, maybe 20 of their mates, sort of our age, who fucking loved it. And behind them were 70 family members

who hated me with every bit of their souls. You're like, that's why. It's not you. You'll be great. You'll love it. Nana won't enjoy it. That's what people don't understand. No, everyone will love it no

people love comedy when they go to a comedy club expecting comedy and they've paid to see comedy when they've come to see you and your husband get married and celebrate your love

they don't want some fucking dickhead from Liverpool come on I'm going do you know what I think about Victoria's Secret's modelling policy you know

Nate Bargatze I mentioned him in the specials he's got an amazing line about that, where he's asked to do stand-up at one of his dad's shows. His dad's a magician. And he was like, have you ever tried to do stand-up to people that weren't expecting stand-up? It doesn't come across as comedy.

It comes across as a mean speech. And you're like, yes, mate. That's exactly it. Comedy relies on people going, I want to watch comedy. Otherwise, you're like why are you talking like this that's dreadful oh sorry sorry amy amy we're sorry amy but the answer is no but we will come to the wedding how about that we will come if you if you pay for our ale we'll do a live show that's worse it's time for a wedding with Edmund.

We seem to have some problems with your family and friends. We've been asked to leave several times. So. They're back together. So they're going to the Maldives together. That's nice, isn't it? Well, we'll see. It's nowhere near finished.

So I just want to explain why I wanted to keep the holiday and why Dave, that's you, Dan, was absolutely right to take my side. Side note, Adam, you're the twat, not me.

Yes, but I come back. The reason we even booked a holiday to the Maldives is because it's my dream holiday. I've always wanted to go there

and Robert's a tight fucker and would never, ever, ever pay for us to go somewhere like that. He says he'd rather go on two holidays a year to a fucking Benidorm or another shithole, all inclusive, drinking shithale

and not leaving the hotel. I finally gave up on the dream of him ever surprising me and taking me somewhere amazing. So I decided that I'd pay for his half of the holiday as a birthday present to him. But my side of the holiday is absolutely not his present at all. Also, during the breakup argument,

I even said that if he just lets me out of the holidays to take one of my mates with me, I'd pay for him to have a week in Spain or whatever, all inclusive. Oh, he didn't say that, did he? No, he didn't. He said no because he doesn't want to go on his own. I told him he could just tell one of his mates to book on the same week and go with him.

And the cheeky twat told me for him to agree to it, I'd have to pay for his mate too. I told him to fuck off at this point. And that's where he rose into you. So there you go. We've got the full story now. Whose side are you on now, Adam? P.S. Adam, your plan of him coming to the airport with me

and making me go on my own is mental. Do you think that would be bad news? Finding out at the airport that I don't have to have his fat, ugly face? What am I viewing paradise for 10 days? It'd be like fucking Christmas morning, you twat. If Amy's a Belarusian, I'm fucking

well in. She's fucking nailed it. She'll do a double applause from both ends. Superb, Amy. And you. I felt there was something in. Yeah, she's fucking nailed it. She'll do a double applause from both ends. Oh, superb, Amy. I knew. I felt there was something off. Yeah, I leaned into that, and you know what? I've got my fingers burnt there. Amy,

I'm on your side. Robert's the twat, so We're basically on the side of the person who last emailed. He's a fucking manipulative lying cunt. Your fella's a fucking rat, mate. He's a fucking manipulative lying cunt. Your fella's a fucking seagull. Oh, that's too far, that. The pedo of the sky.

You just called a fucking regular listener a pedo of the sky. Oh, no, I was talking about seagulls. I bet. Pedoman. Is that the new superhero? Seagulls are pedos, aren't they? Seagulls are fucked.

Pedoman, pedoman, does whatever a pedophile does. A seagull would fuck a little pigeon. From the sky. Yes, he does. He's a pedoman. That's why you never see baby pigeons, because seagulls will fuck them. Come on, let's wrap it up. I'm running out of Australia.

Do you want to call that a pod? Or do you want to do another Have A Word? No, I want to do another Have A Word. I'm having a very good time. This is a mad one, this. So, this is from someone who works within the NHS. Okay?

And at the minute, obviously, they're the front line. They're the army at the minute, aren't they? Because we're fighting a war, but it's against the virus rather than a country. So. Hello, lads. This is my controversial have a word. It surrounds the current trend of restaurants and takeaways like Greg's, Nando's and McDonald's and the like, offering emergency service staff and NHS staff free drinks and discounts on food at the moment as a thank you for what we are doing in the crisis.

While I agree the NHS and emergency services are doing a brilliant job and I can't thank them enough, they're still being paid. And there's a lot of people who've lost their jobs and are now without money. Fuck right off. During this shite time, a lot of us in the NHS and emergency services are among the minority whose jobs are safe. And if we do get sick, we'll be paid sick leave.

And most of us are on well above minimum wage. Pay that forward. I will not be taking any free drinks or discounts at all. I'll be paying full whack and saying, give the freebie or discount to someone who needs it. There are people struggling to feed their families and homeless people who really need this discount or free drinks. People on the bones of their arse are losing their job.

Everyone in the emergency services and NHS frontline knew what they were signing up for, but these poor lads and girls being called cunts and assaulted in the shops didn't sign up for this and they aren't as well paid as us give them some discounts or free drinks they are the fucking heroes too he's basically saying people who work in Asda and Tesco

should get as much discounts as people in the NHS well we did say that didn't we the other week we literally said it a few episodes they're in a tricky spot as well go on final sentence I know people will say I'm a moan and come for this, but yeah, I am. Saying thank you to us lot is enough. Give the free shit to

those who need it the most. So, what I want your opinion on here, Dan, this guy works in the NHS, so should places like Nando's and stuff like that stop giving free food to the NHS people, or should they do it as a thank you? You're too drunk, so I can't be

No, I know, because really, you can't argue, because it's basically, he's part of the front line, isn't he? So he's also allowed his opinion, and I think it's very, I think it's very, it's abrasive, and it's honest, and he's

probably right, but it's sort of like the's honest and he's probably right, but it's sort of like the public, public opinion is very pro-NHS and we're clapping the NHS at eight o'clock and you're on the front line and we understand that they're the people that are helping. It's not soldiers. It's not the police. It's not anyone. It's not, it's these people. It's just really companies going, we're trying to go with public opinion. It's a good point. Maybe it's a, it's these people. It's just really companies going, we're trying to go with public opinion. It's a good point. Maybe it's a good point, you know.

I'd just like to clarify, he doesn't want us to have a word with the companies. He's asking us to have, and he does clarify this, I missed this. He wants us to have a word with the people who work for the NHS, who are taking the discounts. And that's when I tap the fuck out,

because I might have had two beers, but I ain't fucking stupid. Because you imagine if you clapped at 8pm and you went out and you were like, Woo! Don't take free coffees though! Woo! I've lost all my jobs!

Woo! Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Woo! Good, thank you for doing everything you're doing for the people of Britain. Woo! But don't have a free Greggs, you cheap cunts. Woo!

That'd be a bit much, wouldn't it? It would be a bit much, yes. Look, I can't get on board with this. I think the NHS... I do think that Asda and Tesco staff should be lumped in with them at the minute. I think they're doing an amazing job as well. They're still at work while everyone else is on paid leave.

I think NHS staff, Asda workers, Tesco, I think they should all be given mass discounts at takeaways. I think they deserve it. I think it doesn't matter that they're well paid. That's not the point. They're literally keeping thousands and it's going to be millions eventually people alive. I think the NHS deserve absolutely everything we can do for them. And I'm fucking sick. I know we covered this last week. I am sick of people having a whinge on social media about this clapping for the NHS

when people are like, I don't clap for the NHS actually because they don't need claps, they need a pay rise, it's like yeah well I'm not in fucking charge of giving them a pay rise, it's just a gesture and if it makes one nurse or one doctor feel appreciated and it makes them feel good, then it's worth doing, even if it's just

one of them, they're on the front line like, well, I don't clap for them because what I do is I support them in the polling booth by not voting Tory well guess what, they're not fucking mutually exclusive I voted Labour as well, you fucking miserable cunt, you can do both things clap for them, vote for them, do whatever you else, give them discounts, the NHS deserve

absolutely everything at the minute, mic drop podcast over, we're done, boom Seagulls are pedos oh jesus right I think Dan's gonna need either some cocaine or a nap

I'm gonna get neither I would say that was great fun that was a podcast so we've thanks as always to our sponsors beer52.com

and Vauxhall Comedy Club playing us out today we've got our first cover song yeah very popular song so this is a band called

The Swamp Dogs and dogs is spelt like Snoop Dogg so it's D-O-double-G-S The Swamp Dogs that are a band from Hull

they're fucking phenomenal this is a bluegrass style cover of the classic song Sweet Child of Mine you can find the Swamp Dogs on Facebook this is them with Sweet Child of Mine

we won't see you tomorrow Sunday we're taking off we'll be back on Monday see you then Amen Bye Bye 1, 2, 3, 4 Amen Bye She's got a smile and it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories Where everything frishes the bright blue sky Come to me when I see your face and take me away to that special place If I stay too long, I'll probably break down and cry The love will probably break down and cry Oh, sweet child of mine Oh, sweet love of mine She's got eyes of the bluest skies And if we thought afraid Made to look into those eyes

See now it's a pain Hell reminds me of a warm safe place Where as a child I'd hide Pray for the thunder And the rain to quietly pass me by Oh, sweet child of mine. Oh, sweet love of mine. Oh, sweet child of mine Oh, sweet love of mine guitar solo Where do we go?

Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Where do we go? Oh, where do we go now? Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye

Where do we go now? Sweet child, sweet child Sweet child Sweet child, sweet child Sweet child, sweet child, sweet child of mine