Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #240 with Thomas Green - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 3, 2023

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Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately, starting in... You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

Ahead of that, you've got some previews coming up danspreviews.com yeah very few tickets left but tickets are selling out for both these tours get them now to avoid disappointment and of course if you're a long time listener

of Have A Word you will know that we have got one of the biggest and best Patreons on the planet and the biggest in the United Kingdom

£23,000 and counting starting from just £3 a month, you get an absolute belted of a deal from us. Not only do you get early access to these public episodes, but you get an extra episode every single week, which is where we save our naughtiest humour for. And on top of that, every single month,

you get a special. You get a brand new special every single month, back catalogue included. Legendary. The Nashville special was huge. We went to Amsterdam. you get a special you get a brand new special every single month back catalog included legendary the nashville special was huge we went to amsterdam we've done two ghost hunts we've taken over a restaurant and there's loads more on top of that i think we're up to something like 20 plus patreon specials and then the famous lock-ins when we get hammered in here with our mates some of the best podcasting we've ever done patreon Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up for just three quid a month.

You do get more benefits the more you sign up for, but everyone gets all of the content that we put on there. And on top of that, you get early access to tickets for our shows, for the podcast live shows. And sometimes we do small events and they sell out immediately on Patreon. So if you want to be in the room for those, you've got to be a patron. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up now and enjoy this episode.

We've already recorded it. It's going to be a belter. Belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Episode 260 what? 270? 270 odds. We're here. We all had a few drinks last night. Carl's in a mood. That's happened. He's had a tough morning, but he's brought that mood into the studio with him. He's blaming everyone for his mood,

especially me. I get the brunt of that because we're friends and he doesn't feel like he can really shout at anyone else, so he's been shouting at me. And he's over there being all moody. How are you? It's gone. It'll come back.

It couldn't come back? No, not like that. Ah, no, no no dan's anxious because he thinks there's going to be genuine beef and you know what that might be we'll see how the episode goes how you doing lad you all right we'll get on up so i don't worry about it yeah i mean you're probably like that with your fucking mates six months it is mad than in it like that little thing we've just had there if you had that with one of your mates you'd never speak to them again um yeah that'd be done yeah yeah yeah i go through a lot of mates probably a 35 minute voice a lot of my friends are really punctual because it just it just keeps the friendship on on that's the one thing i'd improve about my friends yeah tardiness Tardiness. Time's hard. We have got to be in. We cannot be in later than this time.

La, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, been prepped. I got a phone call of five to six off a delivery man going, we're there in 20 minutes, lad. Oh, you and big industry. What is going on? It's always painful, Carl. Is this the kitchen you tried to get delivered to?

Yeah. Couldn't have happened. Yeah, I didn't think it could. Fucking hell. Because it's a full kitchen, isn't it? And our lift is just one small lift. Yeah, they would have just died. It took them an hour to move it from the van to my house,

outside my house. Yeah. Where is it now? I've extended, so it's in the gap. Right. You've got your kitchen in the I've extended so it's in the gap right you've got your kitchen in the garden modern

yeah just don't rain for a couple of months and then another delivery came and then yeah now I'm here

said I can't go on that dive as well in the midst of all that but delivering it yeah it was a big delivery it's like

why is he doing it is she okay yeah he was I mean I'm not going to talk about it much but he was but delivering it. Yeah. It was a big delivery. It's like, why is he doing it? Is she okay? Yeah. It was a, I mean, I'm not going to talk about it much, but he was,

he was ill. So it's kind of one of them blessing ones. Yeah. Yeah. No drama. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you want in it to get to the age where you're like,

oh, well, or if something's wrong, oh dear. I'm, I'm so ready for your house to be finished. I know you are as well. Death? Just dear. I'm so ready for your house to be finished. I know you are as well. Death? Just, what?

I'm so ready for you. That was a weird, you've got hangover segue mode there. Yeah, you know, that's just what you want, isn't it? You just want to die in your sleep, if you can, peacefully. Like, that's what you want.

Just like, no pain, no like sudden death, just like a nice peaceful death, and I'm ready for your kitchen i nearly cried when you were fucking having a go at each other before i can't do granddad's dying as well like dan's a bit hungover kitchen he overdid it six pints of guinness yeah fucking hell i started during the special though. I had pints.

You had three there and three in pokes. Like a fucking maniac. Like a young whippersnapper. Absolute lad. Have we gone to talk about last night? We filmed our barbering special. We cut some people's hair. And we did some other stuff as well.

That's all you need to know. That's what you're going to be watching on Patreon next month there's some good ones goes out on the 15th but let's be honest if you're waiting for the barbering special like I'm not signing up until the barbering special like just sign up now and spend the next two weeks watching Nashville

the ghost hunts, the roast like Will is convinced the barbering special is the best thing we've done it isn't it isn't. There is recency bias every time we finish a special. Best one. Best one. Best one.

Nashville is the best one. And there's three episodes of it. Go and watch that. Yeah. And then I had my first pints in a month. I had five of them. And they are going to be my last ones until Mykonos. Because I woke up this morning and I went,

yeah, it's not worth that, is it? Like, I loved them when I was having them as well. Just five, yeah? Just five. And you still feel fucked? How bad were up this morning and went, yeah, it's not worth that, is it? Like, I loved them when I was having them as well. Just five, yeah? Just five Guinness. And you still feel fucked? How bad were you this morning? I'm not bad. I feel all right.

But I woke up. Also, I got done eating chips after that. So I've woke up and gone, that's a fucking day's worth of calories. I've got to cut a day out of my week somehow now. Between five Guinness and a don of eating chips. So I was like, right, I've got to go for a run today. And I'm playing golf.

He's like, if I do both for them and keep my calories down, then I'll feel all right about it. I know I feel rough because we had the Nando's at what, like mid,

what was it? About one o'clock in the afternoon and I haven't eaten again. So I've had those. That's why I feel rough. I got you the meal deal as well. You didn't even eat it. I don't feel like you've ever

eaten a meal deal, have you? Yeah, sometimes. I like a BLT. Is that it? Yeah, BLT, yeah. That's like the thing I'd expect you to not eat. Tomato? Tomato on bread, yeah. That is such a

weird texture for a little fucking food. I don't really like tomato on bread. I don't like tomato. Didn't you take tomato off your Nando's burger? Yeah, I think the tomato's a bit much in it sometimes. You big brave boy. Yeah. I'd like a BL, really.

I'd just like a B. You want bacon and lettuce? Why don't you go into Bold Street Coffee and go, can I have a bacon butty, please, and put some lettuce on it? What are you talking about? It's fucking insane. I like like it i don't like bacon so i just like to you just want bread i just want can i have two slices of brown bread please about a club that sounds like me to be honest what's a club sandwich club is chicken let's chicken

chicken and lettuce under bacon yeah oh shit spells club that done does it yeah yeah i never knew that that's sick i never knew that i've been Oh, shit. Spells club, that, Dan. Does it? Yeah. I never knew that. That's sick. I never knew that. I've been watching The Bear on Disney Plus,

and it makes me want to try an American sandwich, like a sub, a proper... Can I make butties? A hoagie? Yeah. Next week, I'm making butties for the fam. I'm... Are you going to have a... That show is not good.

It is a great show. It's not good if you're feeling... If you want... You know when you stick something on and you're like, oh, I just want to watch something and it'll be relaxing. It is not relaxing. You feel like you've been working in a kitchen. It's so frenetic and like...

I do want to watch it and then it's great. They're all very New york have you seen boiling point it's not about customers it's literally just about the food the chefs the pressure of the kitchen and i've worked in an italian restaurant and i remember that feeling of like oh god i'm gonna fuck it up and you're getting shouted at ask your question have you seen boiling point with steven grayman no so me and him went to see it at the cinema. I think we spoke about it at the time, but it's worth revisiting.

If you haven't seen it, I think it's on Netflix now. It is, yeah, it is. It is one shot, but literally, like they didn't edit it to look like one shot. In all the like promo afterwards, they're like,

it's the hardest thing we've ever filmed. It's one continuous shot. So like it's on Stephen Graham, but then it'll, like as a waiter walks past them it'll like it'll sort of follow the waiter

do you know what I mean yeah so it's really well done it is the most intense thing I've ever seen in my life me and him

come out of the showcase cinema like we'd just finished the shift yeah it's like if if you've worked in hospitality

it feels like you're at work because it's so well done from that perspective. It's been written by people who have lived in hospitality. It's not like, oh, I know what a bar is. It's just poor. Like, it's the things you go, oh, shit. If you've worked there,

you notice the little tiny, minute details that make it so good. Stephen Graham's an incredible actor as well. That helps. And it's so well written, and it's so real and it's go and watch it boiling point netflix so good so it's funny how some people don't want to watch stuff like that do they like oh it's just like it's too much i kind of like it's not for all that i wouldn't want to watch it all the time i haven't seen boiling point but i love the bear but sometimes you really i really like it i've i've

i've really enjoyed watching it and felt stressed, but I have not watched it again for that reason. Normally when I like something that much, when it goes on Netflix, I'll put it on as background noise. I just can't bring myself to put it on.

That's not background noise. No, it's fucking intense. He's an alcoholic head chef and it's about his life as well as being in work. And it's fucking, it's so, Stephen Graham's incredible incredible it's so upsetting about the shit yeah and them because he's genuinely one of the best actors just let's just clarify for people who don't know because that you made him sound

like a pedophile or a rapist there's not um and we don't know whether he's either those things but we've we've heard nothing along those lines um he yeah taking hole! Just to clear up, he hasn't killed anyone. I don't know. He might have done. Stephen Graham is probably our most requested non-comic guest.

There's a photograph of Stephen Graham promoting one of his films or something he was in holding two copies of the Sun newspaper. And as a scouser, he's just constantly

ignored questions about it as far as i know um i believe he mentioned it on a podcast once but then refuses to ever talk about it again in any press or whatever we'd love to have him on and obviously he'd be he'd be a dream guest in any other circumstances but i i couldn't in good conscience ask someone like that to come on we probably wouldn't get him anyway because he's so big um but if we did get him on i'd want to talk about that and find out what what the fuck he was thinking so i just don't see it happening actually a good place to come and sit about it as well to talk about it as well i know clear this i mean not clear his conscience whatever

but tell the story but he's he's he's jodie carman as well another scouse actor who's yeah she's fucking insane a girl I dated for a while was in a band with Jodie Coleman when they were 14 they were in a girl group their own thing or like a

they just started one it wasn't like a an industry one that they put together no it wasn't judges houses no like yeah they were just in a band together

they were just like singing and dancing I think at 14 yeah that's terrifying how do you organise that at 14 she got kicked out of the band who did But yeah, they were just in a band together. They just like singing and dancing, I think. At 14? Yeah. Joe's terrifying. How do you organise that at 14? She got kicked out of the band. Who did?

Jodie Comer. Killing Eve. Incredible. Never seen it. Maybe Waller Bridge wrote the first. No, it's insanely good. Get irritating. No, I'm talking the first series, like a lot of things.

First series is impeccable. Joe's sad. George's houses. I'm talking about X Factor. one of the groups is 25 and over they're the old people yeah the veterans yeah we're six years into that that's awful isn't it right now i i think it's fine it should be 40 and over he wants to see a fucking boy band with me no steve bro Brookstein was an old guy he won it oh fucking five of us oh we've just

taken our angina tablets no one's that pop group do you take angina tablets no I just tried to riff on

something that made you sound old hyperbole sorry a comedy device hyperbole

little orange angina spray me then used to use used to always interest me because it looked like

tango she told me never to use used to always interest me because it looked like tango she told me never to spray it in my mouth though because you know I'd probably end up in the hospital did you have a go though? no but I wanted to I would have so had a go I remember coming down

my gran used to smoke I remember used to coming down the stairs at her house and my sister had got one of the cigarette butts out of the ashtray and was sat there going

like fake smoking and i didn't go instantly go what are you doing i watched for a bit it was so cringy she was like she must have been about six and then went what are you doing i've made a jump so much i was the kind of kid that would always fucking try and like if there was something that looked like tango spray, I'd have been like. Yeah, it looked like a brain licker. But she was like, yeah, don't do that. You put your heart, it'll probably stop or something.

Oh, the lies old people tell. Can't sit in the front seat, you've got to be 16. Lying cunts. I can see that in Etta as well. She's a right fucking sneak. She's a sneak. She's got my little sneaky thing uh laura found a 20 pound note in her money box she was like etta what's this she was like i thought she

went huh i don't know i started looking around i don't know she was like where where have you got this i don't know i don't know she was like have you got this from daddy's room she was like where where have you got this i don't know i don't know she was like have you got this from daddy's room she's like yes she's gone in i had a bit of cash in my drawer she'd gone in and gone i won't miss 20 quid the kids are so thick she was like well i've got this money where does this go a money box fucking smart no one will ever think of me if she came with like a fucking Chinese one day you'd also question

that everyone there yeah papadums I'll get this I'll get this guys don't worry about it that'd be so funny

if she did that he's ordered like a take oh he went to Mackey's and she was like put your money away dad got my own money

it's not Ronald the fucking Queens yeah oh it's so funny because you this is my fault this is my jeans little here oh it's so funny because you i've this is my fault this is my jeans little sneaky like what's really funny though is that's objectively naughty and you have to discipline that out of them but i can see in your face how happy you are that she

did that i don't mind it i don't mind it i do because i was a little cunt for that i used to still still tenors out there was a little set of drawers at home and my mum used to leave like sometimes like 40 quid and I still feel bad about nicking those tenners. And I was such a fucking sneaky cunt with it. What I'd do, I'd never just take a tenner because you're like, well, that's stupid. So I used to take one of the tenners

and then sort of nudge it towards the back of the drawer and under something. And I'd leave it there for like a week or two weeks until the money in front of it had changed. So I was like, yeah, mum doesn't know that that's gone. And the what, like, it's so- That is so conniving. Yeah.

That's good. It's brilliant. I'd never take the, and I feel bad about it now. You should feel bad about it. So when I see Etta... Wow. She might have missed a mortgage payment there and been homeless.

Yeah? Oh, hang on. Yeah, she was. Maybe if you hadn't done that, she might still be here. Yeah, she died. She died from being homeless and mortgageless.

They are quite mutually exclusive, them two things. That was bad. And the one time, she must have been going i'm sure i'm fucking sure there was more money in here and you know you know your kids like i know her she so she knew me so she's gonna clearly be like a little fucker she came and got me she was like daniel come here please there was 30 pounds in here she's got a very similar voice to you you know yeah and i was like and i knew what i knew it was in there so i was like i don't mind i've not touched it such a good

liar i was like mum i haven't i don't know why you're having to go with me it's probably just if i haven't touched it kate is not going to have nicked it because she was not like that i was like it'll be in there somewhere she was like well, well, show me where it is. I fucking knew where it was. I was like, it's probably just got jammed somewhere. She was like, it hasn't got jammed somewhere. I was like, well, what's that? And she was like, oh, right. Right.

Sorry about that. Oh, you bastard. And I literally walked away going. I'm a sneaky motherfucker. Oh, dear. Is it wrong to close? But I. It's bad. dear is it right I'm not close but I it's bad

oh it's bad what as a child he can't be tried for that he was a child how old were you 12, 13 maybe yeah double Geoffrey

he is not of legal age to be tried that is you should have got a BAFTA for that BAFTA should have found out I was about that and come to your house and gone here's this don't you should have got a BAFTA for that. BAFTA should have found out

about that and come to your house and gone, here's this, don't tell your mum. Get a BAFTA. The ultimate was when I nicked my dad's child maintenance

by accident. My mum used, I've told you this story, haven't I? No. She had a child. After my dad left, so I must have been about 15,

he gave checks to my mum and i think it was 200 pounds each for the month or something like that is what it was what he gave so there's a check for 400 quid and my mom had picked up the wrong paying in book do you remember the paying in books that were like like a checkbook but for just putting money in and she hadn't seen it was d nightingale rather than uh n nightingale so just filled it all out, took it to the bank, gave them that. They were like, cool. So I think it must have been like, you know, when you get your monthly statements about three weeks later,

I'm just opening my statements. I had like a kid's bank account that I would always open. Because you never got mail. You were like, I'm opening my mail. Yep, three pence in my account. Seems right. because you never got mail you were like i'm opening my mail yep three pence in my account seems right and i opened it and it said 403 like 400 pounds and three pence i was like the fuck what the fuck is this i was like oh my god something's happened here probably it is mine

it's probably mine i was like there's a chance it's not mine so i was like i asked around at school i hid that went to school i was like can you trace checks or can you find out how money's got in your like this is my mates at school all 50 like i don't know so i found your mates going hey do you know how international bank on those were yeah and just and just let you, if you're late again, that's the end of this friendship. Yeah. So I actually found the customer service number for NatWest

and rang them from the house phone. I was like, can I trace money that's gone into my account? And the woman was like, what? What do you mean? I was like, see if there's money that went in my account. Could I like what what do you mean i was like say if this money went in my account could i trace where it's come from she's like i don't know it's in your account it's been paid into your account she was like off with me and i was like i have done in my head i was like i have done absolutely everything i've done here i don't know what else i could have done

and that saturday i went on the best shopping spree of my fucking life. I had some birthday money. And I'm like, you know, when you bring stuff back, I brought back a fucking two tops, a new Walkman and everything. And then mum was like, wow, this is all nice stuff. You got all this for your birthday money. I'd spend at least 230 quid. And I was like, yeah, I got this.

This is six pounds. It was like 40 quid. The Walkman, 35 pounds. It was such bullshit. I've told you about the newspaper round, haven't I? Where we robbed that money, me and my mate. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a long time ago, though.

Yeah, so we did a paper round and what it would be, every week we would get sent the list of what everyone what everyone owes so like let's say it was like i don't know three pounds 65 for the newspaper for the week obviously if they hadn't paid like sometimes they go i'll give you double next week it's fine and sometimes three or four weeks or whatever so it's always a different number and you're sort of adding up and i I sort of, obviously I'm good at maths and I could see that there was just a number missing off it. So there's a total at the bottom. And obviously at the end of every week,

we take all the money in, just make sure the total goes to the paper man and anything left is tips and we got to share it. So who worked that out? So I would just be given a sheet by the paper man, saying number 21 owes this, number 35 owes this, right? And the total was... The total's at the bottom.

And I think it was like, you know, it was Christmas time, I think, or nearly Christmas. And the total, let's say it was like, it said like three, it should have said 380, but it said 230. Because he's magically missed like

such a round number missed off he's just fucked up and I've got I went I was like he's done that wrong so

I'm just gonna give him that so that's what we did no so this was a this wasn't a Christmas time sorry we did this twice and the second time got us s this wasn't a Christmas time. Sorry. We did this twice

and the second time got us sacked. So the first time we were like, he's missed 150 quid off there. That's his fault. So he wants 230 quid and you're like, there you go. Yeah.

So I give him it. And then that wait afterwards, like, and he come back on the way and he was like, Adam, this is short. And I was like, it fucking isn't.

Like, it says 250. He goes, yeah, but like, it's just, there's a lot more to it it's just the total's wrong there's 150 quid missing and I was like oh we just thought

we got loads of tips there it is and I give him it and he was like he obviously knew I was lying but he couldn't really have a go because I've that's the total

there's your money this is mine yeah the second time technically you haven't done anything wrong and you still had the 150 quid to be like,

there you go. I thought, I'm just so charming. Yeah. The second time at Christmas, we just battered each other and pretend we got mugged. That's,

that's, that's the less advanced stealing, isn't it? Batter each other. Well, yeah, we're going to get someone else to do it.

Just batter one of us. Why? Make the other person the shithead. Okay, let's role play for a minute. Me and you are paper boys, which, you know,

if I'd have lived in West Derby, we probably could have been... Could be a special as well, soon. Right. The paper boy special. So I go, right, we need to pretend we've been mugged

so we can keep this 380 quid. One of us needs to get battered. So I'm going to batter you, but you don't get to hit me back. I'm taking a 70% cut. No. Let's go 50-50. All right, let's batter each other then.

Yeah. I think that is almost word for word out of the negotiation. How did the fight go? Was it one punch, then one punch? Or was it you beat me up, and then I'll try and beat you up? I can't quite remember. Hang on, he sacked you? How did he find out the lie? I can't quite remember what happened i think i had a head injury what a rat he was sat

over the road in the car watching you just battered each other stealing my money i can't i can't quite remember maybe we didn't end up doing it or like we hit each other but then we were like we can't do this i can't quite remember what happened i'm sorry yeah my mum got um her bank statement a month later and the her account was 400 quid light and i have never seen her i never saw her that angry she she lost her mind she went where is this money and look to me and it she just worked it all out with all the stuff i'd bought and just she lost it and luckily she was only four foot eleven so i just closed the door but she was trying to kill me i think she was like i could feel the door she was like but what you hadn't actively stole that it just accidentally got into your account and you

kept it so i got grounded indefinitely and i i was a week into constant bollockings you could even you've risked this whole family's welfare bollocking bollocking bollocking yeah but you and then finally i was like you know when you're just yeah finally i was like yeah but why has it gone in your account anyway because the check was made out to Norma Nightingale. So even if you've used the wrong paying in book, it shouldn't have gone in my account. And she was like, that is not the point. Right, that's, yeah, interesting. Give me two seconds.

So she was in the bank the next day, made that argument and got all the money back. And I got put on a repayment plan from NatWest and had to go in with the manager. And they were like, what can you afford? And my mum was like, just tell him a pound a week. I was like, a pound a week. And they were like, right, okay.

That's eight years. Interest rates now. I think I paid it like three times and then just never touched the account again. But they're getting years. Eight years and Nick, you go. I think I paid it like three times and then just never touched the account again. What? But they're getting... Eight years? Eight years and Nick, you go,

by the way. You know what? Getting out of that got me ungrounded. Even though I'd been a little shit. Do you know what? I think your mum was being a bit of a fucking arsehole there. I think you got a rough deal. She's insured.

That's like Ocean's Eleven when he gets the money back and still wants it off the guys. think you got a rough deal. She's insured. That's like Ocean's Eleven when he gets the money back and still wants it off the guys. You've got your money back. You should be able to enjoy the... I genuinely didn't know it was the... I honestly, like an idiot, thought someone had just

accidentally put £400 in my account. Yeah, I don't think you've done any... It's the lie-in afterwards. It's the... This was £20. So you didn't know originally that it was the child maintenance money? No, I just...

Nah. I'm telling you right now, if this was a courtroom, mate, and your mum was on trial... I'm doing a special. I'm telling you right now, I could have represented you and got you off ground and free, even without that fucking... them getting the money back. That is bollocks.

Money landed in your account. You rang the bank and went, how could I find out where that's from? And they were like, we don't really know. And what were you meant to do? What were you meant to do? Were you meant to go,

oh, do you know what? There's 400 quid in my account and I don't know where it's come from. Do you know what? Send that to me, mum. That's probably it. Bollocks. That's marginal.

Your ma was bang out of order. I thought you knew all along. She's lucky she's not here anymore or she'll be getting a fucking phone call from me, mate. Norma. Yeah, that's rough, that. By the way, I got eight months in the slammer, didn't I, on Wikipedia? Yeah. They've extended it to a year.

Why? What have you done? No reason. Oh, wow. It's probably seen that you've tried to log on. I tried to do ainsley harrier and they've seen it and they've extended the ban a year hang on so they've put you in wikipedia jail yeah eight months you've still gone on to try and edit ainsley harrier i went on ainsley harrier

they've noticed like a fucking carl's in prison for drug dealing he's been given eight months and then he's tried to sell drugs in the prison so they've gone you're standing here longer i've done eight years in my early 20s mate i've been here before a year will fly by don't worry wikipedia i'll be back no vpn it's great but it doesn't work the only thing i've ever done by the way sorry to interrupt is a stole my mom's air dryer once and this is only about three years ago i stole the air dryer and I ate the little thing on the end. You love it, you.

Do the little fucking pointer. Don't like that. Does my head in. The one that makes it thinner. Yeah. The bit that makes it dry your hair quicker in a more concentrated place. I mean, I know that as a barber,

you know, I was there for the first time since 2003, actually in a fucking barber's. I took that and I took that off. Fucking get rid of that shit. Dried my hair. Used it for a couple of days. He's like, that and I took that I fucking gave it to that shite dried my hair used it for a couple of days and he's like

I need my hair dryer where is it and I gave it back and he's like where's the end oh yeah you're a cunt for that though yeah yeah

because you are a cunt for that like every time we've been away together and you never bring an air dryer he doesn't even enter his head

I've started now to bring his air dryer so he's always like can I have your air dryer so I give him the hair dryer in it's full thing and this have your hair dryer so I give him the hair dryer in its full thing and this is how he behaves

with the hair dryer with that end he walks out the room goes oh I don't fucking need that I don't fucking need it does me so then I go Karl I need to dry my hair

now can I have the hair dryer back and he gives you it right at the end and you go where's the end and he's like I don't fucking know I didn't see where it landed when I threw it in the air

I did that I gave it back where's the end I was like there's no end on did that. I gave her the back of the shirt. Where's the end? I was like, there's no end on it. I knew there was. You've done that before to me as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, there's no end on it. She's like, no, there was. I used the end every time. I was like, oh, fuck. I don't know. Probably in your room. And she went, okay, I'll have a look in my room. I knew full well it was in my room somewhere,

but it had gone. Maybe over the wardrobe, something like that. Fucked off. What the hell? Like, vendetta against these yeah he just he doesn't need it

so it doesn't exist exactly do you know all the worst traits you give me because I'm quite sort of outward about them you know what I mean

he's we're the same person you know he's just quieter it's not in my room it's not in my room and I was like it is

because it isn't in my room mate I'm playing FIFA. No full world to be on the wardrobe. And another day, where's the end? She's like, you don't have to buy me a new hairdryer.

I was like, buy a new hairdryer. Go behind the wardrobe. So I went behind the wardrobe and got it. I was like, there it is. And I was like, but I can't say it's in my room now.

You know what I mean? And I was like, you haven't even fucking looked, you. You haven't even looked looked you you haven't even looked how long do you look before you find it on purpose

so I was like I need to look for you I'll look in your room I was like you go downstairs no one knew what you were doing she went no I'm just going to stand here

and watch you look and I was like trying to do slight art in my pocket like there and I was like you haven't even looked here mate

doing all that getting up under a bed what's he just realised this is what mums do you know when mums probably isn't they can always find it

you know when mums always find something and they say you haven't locked they've had it all along yeah and they go in like you know when you're like you it all along. Yeah. And they go in, like, you know when you're looking for something in your room,

they go in and go, edit it, like, immediately. They're doing this, the sneaky little bitches. I've only just realised. You're ready to be a parent. I've done a mum move there, haven't I? Oh, shit.

Anyway, I'm under. And I mean, I didn't dig under the bed. I wasn't, like, going deep. I had it in my hand. I'm like, I'm on the edge of the bed where not only do you have to, you can see it. I was like, move that fucking dildo there, mate.

Move that briefcase full of money. I was like. You ever found your mum's dildo? You're acting like it exists. There's no way your mum hasn't got a dildo. She's just a single woman and she's got needs. Never found it. I found my mum's KY jelly in the bathroom once.

I know you did. Obviously, I didn't realise at the time, but then you get older and you realise your mum was fingering herself in the bath. Oh, God. Was that working more to you? No. No. KY jelly in the bath? Well, I think that's a more comfortable thought was that working more to you no no KY Jelly

well I think that's a more comfortable thought than my mum was fingering herself sat on the toilet yeah or brushing her teeth at the basin with KY Jelly tell you what I need

a good old arsehole fingering anyway I was like you don't want to walk in on that mum where are my shoes not in the bathroom

where are my shoes under the sink anyway I was like you are ready to be a parent that's the parent result they're not in the bathroom

I was like here it is you are stupid you might have make me buy new it was right there and she just went oh yeah yeah so then i was like i'm heavy and she's like yeah there it was go on and then like the next day she went carla what you're taking out your pocket well you've got it now great control from her to like leave it 24 hours. She just laughed at me. Don't you think you're getting away with shit but mum's see everything

she'll do. Innovatingly there we've done a full section of confessions. Send your confessions in to haveawordpod at gmail.com or the Patreon app if you're a patron. Let's have a break. Father old lady will admonish you. Fucking mad.

Part two of four. We're back. Part two of six. We're recording six sections today. Two guest bits, because we're trying to squeeze people in. Got a lot of juggling to do, schedule-wise,

over the next few months, guys. Got some people coming in on some odd days, some big guests, some new guests. Some people you've never heard of, but you're going to get to love them. You know what I mean?

You didn't know Mike Rice, did you? Didn't know Jamie Hutchinson? You do now. Wait until you see these cunts we've got coming in. And some big tings. And some big tings that people you do know. But we don't announce them because they often let us down. Nah, this big ting is a...

They're shortings. Big shortings. And they've managed to ask for days where I'm not on tour, which is very helpful because that would have been stressful. Dab. It's Jeff Be Gab, it's Jeff Bezos. It's Jeff Bezos. Jeffrey Bezos! He's coming to every night of my tour.

He was in Italy when I was. What? He was near when I was. You know who else was? Kanye West. Totti. Francesco Totti. Did he live there?

He's Italian. Yeah, he was there. Possibly. Yeah, Jeff Bezos. I bet he was the man on the boat was the Italian guy we were like

any famous people been you know around recently and we knew Jeff Bezos had been in the bay and he went to yeah yeah last week

Steve Jobs it obviously meant Jeff Bezos and we were like wow that is a big one. He's like, yeah, Steve Jobs. And we all just laughed.

We had Muhammad Ali in yesterday. Shall we do some Simple Pleasures? Yes. You know it's my favourite section. I love it. Because people understand this. They get it. Come on, I want go for a run.

Simple pleasures. Going for the run. Wanting to go for a run. Yeah. I went for a run last week. I'm trying to get off the e-cigarette, the vape. Oh, thank fuck for that. I had a bad gimp. Yeah.

Wouldn't it have been good if you just decided not to start that? Yeah, it would have been good. But the taste. So nice. And nicotine's lovely. What does it taste like? Like cherry. Just have a fucking cherry instead.

It tastes like you're sucking off a gay robot. It's like robot coke. Yeah, that's nice. Beep boop. Fucking LGBT. V? Robo cock. R?

What's the R? Robot. The V was for vape, you fucking idiot. Yeah, people who vape, I hope i hope honestly one of the lids i know you hate it it's horrible i know you hate it um one of the lids got in touch and was like they sell they're selling nicotine lozenges at little so i'm having a look is that you're gonna get a fucking attach to them just stop doing yes well it's well better isn't it that was such a bad run it was so slow it i did 40 a 45 minute jog at a pace that was borderline embarrassing i looked like i was

doing a charity run for an illness if you still had what do you put the number on i never go on a treadmill right i run i run wild i run i do intermittent i do walk and sprint and running i start on eight kilometres an hour. Eight's what you start on, yeah. Incline. I usually end on 14. Incline. I'm inclined to go for the running a bit.

Whoa! I start on eight kilometres an hour, and then I try and... My target is, over the next couple of months, is to get me 5K below 30 minutes. I do eight for five minutes, and then do a two-minute walk, and then just incrementally grow it. So I do eight for 5 minutes and then do a 2 minute walk and then just

incrementally grow it so I do 8 for I did yesterday not yesterday the day before I did 8 for 15 9.2

for 10 10 for a couple of minutes and then up to 12 and sprinted so that I got autistic fitness I do 12 I do 9 for 10

and then do 7 for 2 but then I also do 10.6 for 9.8. You ever tried that? Blast the 14 for 30, mate. Oh, yeah, 14 for 30. You get the ghost legs. What about

what about what about doing 129 at like 403? It's too fast, Kyle. Damn. Yes, call me the wrong name. 129 kilometres per hour on a treadmill.

Yeah, you'll get thin. You'll be on fire. We're doing Simple Pleasures. Jake Holden says, Simple Pleasures, looking in the Mackey's bag after you've finished and seen more chips.

Oh, yeah. Point of order. I eat the bagged chips first. I do. Yeah. Because you take it out and then you look. Yeah, you go,

oh. Also, like, if you take your Mackey's it out and then you look. Yeah, you go, oh, man. Also, like, if you take your Maccy's chips out and there's obviously chips missing from it enough to be in the bag and you don't check

the bag immediately, what are you doing? Go off. So, do you know what? We get it. That would be a simple pleasure, but it is rejected because you're eating

your Maccy's in the wrong order. Last night, I got 20 nuggets on the way home. You love the 20 nuggets. It's just a staple, you know, easy. It's your absolute tap-in. I was so drained last night. I got nuggets on the way home you love the 20 nuggets it's just a staple you know easy it's your absolute i was i was so drained last night i got back to the car and i was like i can't wait to eat them yeah and then someone just went you didn't get sauce someone in my head said you didn't get sauce and i had to sit there for 10 minutes to talk

myself into driving back to the mackeys to get sauce imagine if you actually had voices in your head and all they talked about was condiments. Need sauce. I had to drive back and I went, I have about 40 minutes to go, I've got nuggets. There's only about 45 calories

in a McDonald's chicken nugget. Could that be? Yeah, but if you have 20 of them. It's still less than a thousand. It's like 900 calories. I was in deficit yesterday. Have you ever tried

having 20 at 40? What? Like, there's less calories in 20 nuggets than I had in Nando's yesterday. Ooh, fills me up as well. That's not good.

Doesn't seem possible. I was so happy. Website. I got them. I got in bed. I'm into YouTube scamming videos now. That's me whole. Watched one of them, ate me nuggets.

Oh, I've started watching Trump supporters get interviewed. It's one of my favourite things in the world. Is he coming back? He's trying, but he's also going to prison, so. What was that mugshot about? He's been indicted. Are the Republican Party trying to make sure he gets imprisoned

before he can take the nomination? Yeah. They're trying to, like, it's his own party coming after him to go, please do not. Don't they want him? No. No. It's not like a guaranteed win,

No, it's so divisive. It doesn't matter. He divides the Republican party. Mad. I thought he'd want to win at all costs. No,

they don't want, they don't want to be associated with him really. They want to try and make him run as like an independent, but that doesn't really work. Also, the chances are the Republicans

will win the next election. Because Joe Biden's in the news. No, but it just works like that, doesn't it? Like, unless the... America's a lot more flip-flopped than over there. Because they always think it's shit. So they just blame whoever's in charge and vote for the different party.

Incumbent presidents usually win a second term. But this dude is so fucking old. He'll be dead dead won't he I love him mate he's fucking mad he's really funny see when he got shown the Trump

mugshot no but he's a handsome guy and that was all he said people are trying to bait him into saying something bad and he's like

you see when he fell off the bike yeah unbelievable they were on a bike ride and he just stops and then forgets that you have to put your feet down

and a woman's like oh I'm with President Biden and he just stops and then forgets that you have to put your feet down. And a woman's like, oh, I'm with President Biden. And he just goes, ooh. He's just a normal fella. Go down on him. He's what? Like, that's normal shit. He's got senile dementia, doesn't he? He's really fucked.

And he sniffs kids' hair as well. Yeah, that's a bit mad. That's a fact. He sniffs the hair of children. Could be doing worse, like Hillary. Scramming them. There you go. On Conspiracy Corner.

Simple pleasure. I'll have a meat feast, I'm sure you will. I can't believe he can't be those fucking idiots again. It's going to be... Do you know, as soon as Trump was out of the White House, I just lost interest in American news. Exactly, get him back in. For that four years

it's just a slow car crash that you can't stop looking at it was so funny that the president was just tweeting every day it's so funny just calling people women dogs in there yeah it's just mad you're a dog though aren't you everyone's like yes i loved it man um benjamin Benjamin says hello my favourite simple pleasure here for you is going on a long journey whether it's car or plane falling asleep

at the beginning of the journey and waking up just before you reach your destination well done sir you feel like you've cheated the world

as long as you're not driving it's time travel yeah I mean it's what kids do well it's not it's just travel it's what

I just I'm so like when we- I hope the bloody pilot doesn't do it. Yeah. When Jack just gets in the car within 20 minutes, he's gone. And the next minute he's like, fuck, we're in Anglesey. Great. Every time.

Every time we're in Anglesey. At Lidl. No, this is Asda. Jack, no, it's Anglesey. It's Anglesey. Yeah, that's a good one. I love that. You feel, I've done that on the way home on the flight, don't I?

I did it when Jack took me to South Shields after I got back from New York. Yeah, my son does take him everywhere. They're close. Shannon Taylor says, when you ask someone to scratch your back

and they scratch the exact right spot the first time. Yeah. Cancel the section. They've won. Yeah. I'm going to add to it.

Woo! I'm going to add to it. When! I'm going to add to it. When the scratch moves. And they move with it. Oh, yes. Can you just scratch me like that? Yeah, there, there, there. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ah. Yeah, well done. Who is this marvellous person that's just scratching you back? Most humans, Laura just seems a bit rough on the scratching. Well, she would be rough on the scratching. Well, I wish she would be rough on the scratching.

She won't touch me. I've had to get a back scratcher. A little, looks like a little garden implement. I do like them though. Oh,

fucking great. Do you know what happens? I forget I've got it every morning. I'm like, ah. So I, I normally get one of them

about one every three Christmases, maybe. Someone just gets me as like a little shit gift. And for two days, I feel like my life's changed. I'm like, what were you saying there, Dan? This is just, I back scratch now. And then a few days later, I forget it exists.

And three years later, someone else gets me and I'm like. Yeah. I just need, in the morning, you know, when you just, as you're about to get dressed, just a little scratch with it. I don't need it all day. It's not a permanent itch. Something very, like, pleasing about.

Someone getting it as a person, that'll just feel better. If you're getting your hair cut as well. And they comb it. Do you know what I love? It's like the little itch, and then they just... When they fucking,

when he, like, trims your neck. With the blade. Oh, it tickles. I love it. Yeah. I don't... You could still go to the barbers. What for?

What a waste of 15 quid. Just for the experience. I don't like roller coasters, but I'd go to Alton Towers with yous. You should come to the barbers with me and Kyle. I do. I love it there. Have you got a hairy neck?

Honestly, that barber special last night when we're recording it i've stood in a barber's i think it's the second time in 20 years that i've been in a like a barber's and you go why are you there last time because i actually went to get someone to clip my hair i think i was i think i was away gigging. Hello there. I'm getting emotional. I was away gigging and it sounds stupid, but even I get a bit like, ah, my hair looks like I've just let it grow a bit too much. So I think we might have been in Edinburgh or somewhere and they just clipped it.

And I was like, how much is that? He was like, it's like six quid because you've been here four minutes. He's bumping it's like six quid, because you've been here four minutes. He's bumping it. Six quid? I think the full haircut was... That's the best gaff. Oh, it's great.

They're so sound as well, but it's a nice environment, isn't it? It's a beautiful barber shop. Do you know one of my favourite things in the world is the barbers on Christmas Eve? Smart young man. Oh, yeah, you go for the bevvy in there. The barbers on Christmas Eve is part of my Christmas.

Go for the bevvy in the barbers barbers on Christmas Eve is part of my Christmas. Goes for the bevvy in the barbers. I haven't done it in this one because I just didn't for whatever reason last year. But like,

the old barbers I used to go to in West Arby, they used to get a keg in for Christmas Eve and you'd go in and they'd be like, do you want a pint, lad?

And you'd sit with your pint while you went to get your hair cut and then you'd get another one while you're getting your hair cut. There's music on. Yeah, it's lovely.

The barbers on Christmas Eve mate it's like the man's version of just a little like fucking chill before the you know the chaos it's the best vibe and everyone's in Christmas mode

and there's you know like around Christmas men of a certain age sort of like my age and above I suppose who've got kids and stuff

Christmas day is magical with your kids but the build up's are nightmare isn't it because you've got so much to do you've got rapping to do and your missus is like yeah we need this this this isn't this in the barbers the kids aren't there their wives aren't there their girlfriends aren't there it's the boys in the barbers with a beer bbb and it is the best bloody vibe in the bloody world the bbv well josh was saying so barbara used to have a policy and they still do where women aren't allowed in their shop because it's a men's barbershop

it's just like a gentleman's only kind of thing i love it how he was explaining that in front of a female paramedic yeah but there's a moment where i was like this doesn't sound as good as you think it does no but the what when he explained it as of like it's a place where men go and they can speak openly which is i mean maybe that's like covering it up but going in and just chatting shit with the boys and like getting things off your chest he's like when a woman comes in all the men clam up and they change so he said people come in here and just like open up to us so that's maybe not the reason he do it but it's a suppose it's a good side effect of the odd policy it's it's a sex it's a good side effect of the odd policy it's it's a

sexist policy but i i can understand the argument for it but i can also understand why people get pissed off with it and be like that's a sexist thing but it's a good talking point if you don't mind the flack yeah because they're sound guys but it does i can that does sound i i it doesn't take much to imagine that that's quite irritating to some people. I just want to know who kicked off about it. Who cares? I wouldn't want a woman's hairdresser to go, why can't I?

I don't want to be in there. What about women? Getting their hair cut? Fucking messing. Does that sum it up though? Men are like, why would I want to be in there? And then women are like,

I'd like to see what happens. Sitting there chatting shit, getting our hair cut. and then women are like I'd like to see what happens sitting there chatting shit getting out of haircuts yeah we don't we don't have the same policy on this podcast just let you know

just looks like we do something innovate and leave it there um Adam says when you this this might be you

when you're getting a kebab after a night out it might be you and the boss man behind the counter goes to load it up uh from the sweaty meat box, realises there's none in there, and shaves off the fresh meat straight into the kebab.

Yeah. Okay. Big fan of that. Yeah? Yeah. I got the meat box meat last night. Ooh. It's good though.

Botan. Oh, you can't go wrong in a botan. Botan Donamese, it was good. They use a man's head trimmer. I got no sauce. If it's sweat. It just dried on me. I just wanted it it's like no sauce if it's sweat just dried on me I just wanted it

and I was right I put salt on it but if it's in the little metal tray for too long does it not just go sweaty and horrible it goes hard but I like that

yeah sometimes I've got man I like a mixture of soft and hot yeah just mix it up it was good last night it was good

meat box meat yeah big fan that's a simple simple, shall we say. Yeah. Last one, and then we'll do some pet peeves. Josh B says, walking on a travelator at an airport.

That shouldn't be a simple pleasure. That's just half the course, I think. No, I do quite enjoy it. You know how I know I quite enjoy it? If I'm at the airport, and the travelator's there, and it's not working, I feel really annoyed. Yeah, I know. Well, I say the same thing every time, and you know what is there and it's not working I feel really annoyed

yeah I know well I say the same thing every time and you know what it is it's called only isn't it no it's Sean Walsh is it Sean I don't like

fan people who don't use it it's like why what are you doing I don't like it's the old joke I do like it when I get on it

and someone else hasn't got on it and just what I like doing is I don't walk any quicker but like I try and just match their pace and then smoke them what are you doing i'm like ah you're soft you got here before me and i'm gonna beat you to the gate that's what i think in my head but as you pass them you make

your steps slower so it looks like you're glad walking backwards mate um all the people who get on the travel later and go oh cool i'll just stand for a bit oh you can get shot in the head lazy fat twats same people in tesco move i don't care if you're stood two years fuck off it's like the and also um when people get the trolleys it sticks to the thing in tesco now doesn't it you don't move it to the side so people can pass i don't want to wait behind you the whole fucking time i know what you mean but those trolleys are immovable so you only have to misjudge it by like six inches and you're fucked it's just stuck in the wrong that's where london has got the the elevator thing well better escalator like it's it's it there's a system

people are angry you basically get fucking two-footed if you're in the wrong place and i kind of like it because it feels like in every other town everyone's like i'm being carried up like no one ever does the stand on the right walk on the left by the way london's got that nailed the trolley does move you lift the back two wheels up and nudge it and move it to the side and you can push it all the way down yeah i do it every time yeah look at me like I'm a wizard. But you don't want Nana Beryl doing that,

do you? Yeah. When she hasn't got the upper body strength to stop it just rolling. That's a natural selection. Oh, I listened to her have a word

and look at what's happened. Lift it, and push and you can go down at a normal speed. Fucking move. By the way, Peri's eating the gavel.

Peri? Pez? Pez? Could you leave that for us, lad? Pez? fucking move by the way Perry's eating the gavel Perry Pez Pez could you leave that for us lad Pez Pez nope

could you leave that for us please he's acting like he's doing nothing he's looking for his dad no they ain't doing nothing Wallace isn't here today

I'd love to know what voice Perry's got god damn god damn rolling out this motherfucker pet peeves we haven't got a jingle can we just add lib one quick but you know the one he did yesterday made me laugh so much that that is the jingle so if we do it in the

second section can you remember what it is chat he goes oh some other can we do it again? That doesn't have to be my thing. Nice. I'm going to do it live every time. No, I'm getting Charlie to make it now. It made me laugh so much. Oh, these are shit. What the fuck? Good prep, Dan.

Yeah, thanks, mate. I'm hungover. Minor annoyances, although it winds me right up. When you approaching around yeah sorry pep even dan doesn't do the prep good when dan phones it in yet again fuck my life when you're approaching a roundabout and the car in front stops at the line even though the roundabout is clear that's from tom dove yeah isn't it it's a scam scamola what do you mean what people do it as an insurance jobby no it's not no he's not no not jamming on the brakes and like

it's just someone being a fanny someone getting to a roundabout and they can see that there's nothing coming but they still stop to go, is there definitely nothing coming? Well, then I'll carry on. It's a flow. John with a shout out for that. Why? You see, you bam on the accelerator.

Bam! 600 miles an hour round the roundabout. Also, the people that, like, they're in, there's two lanes of traffic at a roundabout and there's like a fucking truck next to you or a van and the van goes, but they go, oh, I can't see, so I won't go. You're like, just go, man.

It's going to be the van. The van is going to protect you. Being in this lane and just using them as a guard is my favourite thing in the world. I can't die. Even as a bus, I'm all right. Even if he's wrong. Even if he's wrong. if he's wrong he loses

he's your bodyguard use them I don't even look at the roundabout I watch when he goes or she they can drive as well I watch when they go and I'm like

let's go when I drove to the dentist the other day I literally counted on the way there like I tried to drive normally even though I thought about it how many times I would fail my driving test

if I did it now. A hundred percent. You know what I mean? Like, you know when you try and catch a light because it goes to amber, you speed up to open it. Imagine doing that on your driving test. Then it goes to amber,

you're like, just stop it. I hold it at the bottom like that, one hand. I'm not 10 to two, innit? That's harder than that. No. I have the steering wheel quite low. You know, you can move the... Like, Laura always goes,

fucking hell, and puts it back up. But I like it low. So you just sort of... Most of the time, I'm one hand on me. I'm not doing it to look cool, but it does look cool. And other times I'm not 10 to 2, but I'm 20 past 8.

If I've got two hands, I'm 20 past 8. On the motorway I'm 20 past 8 because you've got to have two on the motorway. But usually I'm just like, one hand. Yeah. On the motorway I'm more likely to be the one hand. Oh really?

Yeah, sometimes when you go on a top... They see me rolling. 72, you need to fucking... They're kidding drop I did something this morning on the road and if someone did it to me

I would have wrote down their registration and killed them so it's a single lane I feel like you missed a bit of

the story there I'd write down their registration and killed them single lane I don't think he did miss any of the story

I think what happened was me and you were singing riding dirty and didn't listen to the first any of the story I think what happened was me and you were singing riding dirty and didn't listen to the first part of the story I think that's what happened single lane once you've got the reg

they're as good as dead well no fact going on to Hanover Street single lane lights guy in front of me you can turn left or right but it's not like

it's only one lane so you stay in the middle and then you choose yeah yeah the guy in front of me veers to the left in the lane so i'm like he's turning left i'm gonna go round him because i can go right but i mean give himself a turning circle but i went to the side of him and he's just beeping going lad what are you doing because i'm overtaking in a single lane I'm like I thought you were going left and I just jot in front of him turn and

he's beeping and as I get through it goes on red it looks like I've just overtaken him in single it looked like the biggest dick move ever in your car as well yeah I look I

yeah absolutely I look like a cunt but I thought I was helping the traffic flow but I wasn't I was being a bad gobshite there's no way you even had the cognitive thought I'm helping the traffic flow no but what wasn't. I was being a bad gobshite. There's no way you even had the cognitive thought,

I'm helping the traffic flow. What you thought is, I'm not waiting behind this cunt. Yeah. I thought I was helping the traffic. I was just, yes, officer. Oh, was that a bad move? I was just trying to help the traffic flow. That's what I was doing.

He had to slam onto not crash into me, and I beat him to the light. I overtook him in a single lane and got away with it. Oh dear. Sorry, mate. If you're watching, you know, get over it. So many of my pet peeves are with driving stuff. I find it the most irritating.

Motorways. People just riding up behind you with no braking distance. I know you think I'm like a bad driver because I go fast, but I always no braking distance i i know you think i'm like a a bad driver because i go fast but i am always leave braking distance it's not just your speeds you're just bad in general i don't feel safe with you all right cool even walking have i ever driven you anywhere i try and avoid it to nando so scared um my ego on the motorway is pathetic and i hate myself my male ego is awful do you get right up behind if someone's no i still because i don't want to crash yeah i don't ruin my car but move on my way

but if someone's up my ass i'm going nowhere lad wait and said it's like just move over and i'm like no he needs to learn a lesson and i've got no male ego usually not bad anyway on the motorway my male ego is toxic do you know i do that if someone's being an arsehole and being like if there's traffic in every lane and you're in the second overtaking lane and you are going to overtake someone like it's they think you're in the fast lane i'm going faster than you it's like not how it works but there is a level of mental from them that will make me go i'm not getting involved yeah because this guy's a fucking psycho like if they're like you know when they it's like they're trying to show that they want to overtake like and right up behind you i'm like this is so he's so insane that i

can't be asked teaching a lesson or there's no pride in it because he'll crash into me and i'll end up fucked yeah there is a level of psycho that I just go, I'm letting this creep go. My ego still gets in the way. My mate didn't even, my mates who picked me up from Edinburgh didn't even realise the rules of the overtaken lanes. So he goes,

you're on the fucking, yeah, the fucking knobhead behind me. I was like, really? Yeah. It's a Sunday night, he drove to Edinburgh to pick me up. And he's a taxi driver, by the way. So he should know the laws of the road.

He's like, yeah, I was in the fucking right lane. And this fella was like coming up behind me. And he got, like, he got behind me and was flashing me, even though the other lanes were empty. I was just like, just fucking go. Like, what the fuck are you flashing me for? And I was like, you were in the right lane.

Why weren't you just in the left lane if the road was empty? He was like, because I was breaking the speed limit. So you have to be in the right lane. I went, what do you mean? He went, I thought have to be in the right lane I went what do you mean he went I thought that's what it was I went what do you think

the rule is and he went I thought like if you're breaking the speed limit you have to be in the right lane I went you think

it's written into the highway code if you're breaking the speed limit get in the right hand lane people think it's fast medium this lane is for crimes

yeah the crime lane move over I'm doing crimes. I'm in the murder lane. I was like, you're always in the left lane, I should overtake. And he was like, but then you'd have to constantly keep moving over

when someone is in your way. I was like, that's what you're meant to do. He went, that seems like so much more hassle. Surely it's easier if I just stay in that one. And I was like, it is, yeah. If there's nobody else on the road. Yeah, what I do is, when I set off on a journey,

I pick a lane and then stay in it for the whole journey. Who's the lane? In it for the whole journey, yeah. Fucking hell, he's lucky a lane. Shagging. There's a pep even mine is, I think a guy wrote in, is delivery drivers blocking the road.

We spoke about it on podcast. We spoke about it in there. No, we didn't about it on podcast. We spoke about it in there. No, we didn't do it on this. We brought it up. We definitely brought it up. What was the result? You ordered the skates. Fuck off.

No. Beef and a man just trying to drop some simple hops and barley off. Steve's been saying all this. I think he's given Finn the illness. So he's like, right, I'm on my... Just a level of score here. I was driving. You seem to get in a lot of shit

when you're driving, mate. It's not just him. There's one in Liverpool, one there's a Primark lorry that drove by the post office, the pub. Tiny, narrow, one-way road. Every day, or most days,

they just block the road. Disgusting. And then you have to get out and get them to move and like there's a whole road where you can just park he's doing his job Steve mate

delivery drivers are a bit of a nightmare for that he sits on the corner there's some fucking great ones though I just move into the delivery bay and then you've got

all the space and he's like oh just ask me to move I'm like yeah but I can't do this every time you can't just don't park

on WL lines on the corner road where no one that much spring can be maybe you should just leave for work 15 minutes earlier or park somewhere else

I'd stand in Plymouth no fuck off Plymouth and the other guy made me sound like I was a dickhead who's that for

Martin Luther King Martin Luther King Plymouth disgrace same fight yeah yeah yeah that's what he was about, wasn't he? I have a dream.

Ethical clothing. Three pound jeans. That was the second one. Come on, lady. I have a dream. Three pound jeans. I have some jeans. Three pound jeans.

And a vest. I'm so over. Delivery drivers. Martin Luther King. Three pound jeans. I'm trying over. Delivery drivers. Martin Luther King. Three pound jeans. I'm trying to follow it. There's a delivery driver at two in my road today.

I feel this is our demographic as well. So let's be careful because every fucking delivery... I got two deliveries. I feel like they listen. I got two deliveries today on big lorries in my road, which is small.

And the fella went, you're going to have to guide me through lad I was like right day off park like dickheads so I'm doing it yeah yeah doing all that plenty of room

and he went bloody hell lad if there was a fire down here you'd have to just smash all the cars out the way to get down and I was like yeah probably yeah

he's like fucking hell mate how do you get your bins done and the bin men just drive down here he's like fucking bananas couldn't believe it I was like you're the delivery driver help me out you get your bins done and the bin men just drive down here like bananas couldn't believe it i was like you're the delivery driver did he say the word bananas yeah and he called me mucker which felt great by the way getting called mucker before 7am i felt like

the sickest time traveling from like the early night nice one m hell. I was like, I am the life and soul of this road now. I am so working class and sick. Mucker. Absolutely bananas. From a man in a van. Mucker. I had Ugg slippers on. Mucker.

Ugg slippers? They'd be too warm for my feet. Lovely. That's like Boss Man from the fucking, the kebab guy, innit? Mucker from the delivery driver. Much mine. Can I have a break? Yeah.

Thank you. I need some carbohydrate. Hello, everyone. Welcome back. Everyone's trying to wind me up today. I've been for a run in that little break. You know the little four-second break you've just had? I went and did a fucking 3K run, mate, okay?

Through a bush. I'm starving because someone, someone went to Tesco, didn't get me a butty I got him one yesterday without him even asking and he didn't eat it didn't want it he just got a butty

but I did want one and you didn't get me one why didn't you keep that one from yesterday and eat it today because it was in the barbers wasn't it I'm starving

Thomas Green's here by the way yay yay we love you he's our favourite Adam's so happy I am oh I've sent

Harry to get water from Tesco I could have gone to get me fucking buddy is that on me as well is he still there no

because you've seen the transaction notification oh yeah yeah yeah I'm all over that eight minutes ago I doubt he's still there Kyle

lovely to see you Thomas you too mate it's a real pleasure seeing a lot of you lately some of our fans because you've hosted was it a patron exclusive hosted

with me yes and you were part of the absolute robbery of the master bakers mate that was I'm still affected to be fair.

They don't mean you, he doesn't mean you got robbed. He means he got robbed. No, but if we didn't win, it should have been them who won. It's a fucking joke. Hang on. That my big dick dinosaur won that shit. They should have won. They made an actual cake.

Yeah. It's Ishan's fault for putting like fucking curry and rice on the top of it. Whoa. We did. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. it's Ishan's fault for putting like fucking curry and rice on the top of it whoa he did oh okay yeah I still no do you know the part of the day

that made me go oh fuck I can't believe that just happened was your like chocolatey mint mash bit that just looks like

a whale had came on your fucking tray yeah you won with that yeah do you know what whale cum looks like a whale had came on your fucking tray. Yeah, yeah. And you won with that. Yeah. How do you know what whale cum looks like? It's quite minty.

I don't know. It's not tasty. It's very common in Australia. Yeah. Whale cum. Yeah. All right. How are you getting on?

Good. Yeah? Still vegan? Still a veggie. No, not vegan. Veggie. Veggie, yeah, yeah. Still veggie.

Still having the old fruit and veg. Yeah. Yeah, too much chocolate still though. When did you go veggie no not veggie veggie yeah yeah still veggie still having the the old fruit and veg well yeah yeah too much chocolate still though how when did you go veggie uh is this a recent thing no couple years all right adam's just adam uh always checks in to make sure i'm still i think because maybe you don't because i don't drink either so i don't drink and i'm veggie and i think adam was waiting to see how long I could hold on to it for. How long have you not drank for now? Nine months. It's a long time.

Have you done that just because your missus is pregnant and you're trying to do solidarity? It started with that. And do you think you've done for good? Yeah. What do you mean it started with that nine months ago? She doesn't have the baby yet. No, like when you're trying. You don't drink when you're trying.

What? Huh? What? Keep your core clear. He doesn't have the baby yet. No, like when you're trying. You don't drink when you're trying. What? Huh? What? Do you not? Keep your core clear. My kids were conceived pissed. Were they?

I don't know, but we weren't like teetotal for the bonking. Oh really? Yeah, nah. Soph was like, let's be as healthy as possible. And I went, yeah. And I was smashing all the vitamins as well. Not the pre-pregnancy vitamins, just like male vitamins. And then yeah, just trying to be as healthy as possible and i went yeah and i was smashing all the vitamins as well not the not the not the pre-pregnancy vitamins just like male vitamins and then yeah they're just trying to be male vitamins yeah can you just say vitamin please

can you just say vitamin for me vitamin can you say vitamin for me oh as in the way you say it the way to say it's english can you say vitamin for me go on vitamin thank you does that i've been taking my vitamins i take vitamin d every day i take a multivitamin with iron and i've started to take a magnesium glycinate go for your corner magnesium glycinate go yeah yeah i'm coming i think i i think the pre-pregnancy the pre-pregnancy vitamins would be good i mean it's not like your dick's going to drop off just because you're taking the lady bites. Oh, you mean if I went and got the Pregnicare vitamins?

Yeah, it's all going to be good for you. Sorry, vitamins, Carl. Thank you. You piss most of it out. Yeah. It can't be bad for you. It's such a, like, these are specifically for men, and these are, bullshit.

Take some estrogen and see what happens then. That's not a vitamin, Carl, is it? Yeah, that's estrogen. It's a hormone, isn's not a vitamin, Carl, is it? It is. It's a hormone, isn't it? Basically, they just want you both to jack up on folic acid. That's like that and omega-3 or something. That's what they want you to be smashing. So you're just healthy.

You feel different. It's a new you. It's you, but better. I just, well, we all know last year on the tour, Adam's tour, I just, I learned very quickly that I can't drink very well. I mean, you are sort of, you know, you are sort of sparring with the best of them there, do you know what I mean?

Me. Heavyweight pintsman. Yeah. Me and Will were on most of the tour. Nah, but you're sneaky because you'll be like, hey, hey, hey, baby Guinness. And I'll be like, fuck yeah, this tastes delicious. And it sounds cute, doesn't it? it sounds cute and then what was I remember you saying the next day was the worst morning of my life

and you got up and recorded a podcast yeah I got up and I thought I was about to meet our lord and savior and find out that he actually is real and I got told by you the next day that i'd had 12 baby guinnesses at pokes and then we went out after yeah that was after the frog and bucket one 12 baby guinnesses is like two vodka apples is it yeah it's like juicer yeah yeah but what else are you drinking with the 12 baby guinness yeah yeah yeah we had whiskey at the end too oh yeah and a few it was a heavy night Yeah, but what else are you drinking with the 12 baby Guinness? Guinness? Yeah. We had whiskey at the end too. And a few.

It was a heavy night. But it's a heavy night. A few estrogen tablets. Yeah, you've done before. Like I do sort of twice a month, usually. Yeah. He'd never really danced with the devil before. You know what I mean?

What were you doing in the gym, mate? You were in it. I've been shadow boxing. Shadow boxing? Terrible thing to do to a shadow. Have you ever fought your shadow? What? Shadow boxing.

I feel like I'm constantly chasing my shadows, mate. You're chasing them? Yeah, just trying to deal with the demons that life's dealt me. I'm so confused. He hasn't got a chicken sandwich. Thomas, are them veggie shoes? They are the vegan editions, yeah. Not veggie?

No, they're vegan. They don't make veggie shoes, Carl. Why? I don't know. Because no shoes have got meat in them. Although, great idea for a new product. Meat shoes. Meat shoes.

Meat for your feet. Are you meeting a lady? Get some meat on your feet. Meat shoes. Only at JML. Chopped by. Next to the Mops. You go off quickly.

Would you add some spice to them? Like, you know how you jazz up your Crocs? The drugs. You chuck on some fucking spice on your meat chews? I think if you're wearing meat chews, you're probably on spice. Yeah. Would they look barbecued in the heat? Oh, yeah. It'd smell.

Charred. Oh, look at them charred edition. Would they shrink, though? What's going on here? Let's just be stupid. Stop taking it on. Chard. Oh, look at them chard edition. Would this shrink though? What's going on here? Let's just be stupid. Stop taking it on. Better than JML was the fucking buzzword. This is how businesses...

Fucking rookie podcasters over there. Stop digging to find the logic. You're going on tour pretty soon. I am. I can't wait. Yes, I start on my birthday september 19th yeah i knew that uh yeah start in edinburgh uh in glasgow up north and then uh yeah it's all through october november and then a baby in the middle you know really well planned yeah well what happened was

is to a tour was uh was out and on sale and then uh was like, oh, we're having a baby. And I was like, oh, Jesus. So we switched. We've taken a block out from the middle and put it either end. Yeah, smart. How many cums did it take? Cums? One whale cum.

One cum? You did it the first time? I think it was. Really? Do you? I do. I think it was. Potent common man.

Yeah. Look at him. It was all them? Do you? I do. I think it was. A potent common man. Yeah. Virile. Look at him laughing. It was all them vitamins. We were first bunk. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Laura off the pill. 12 baby Guinness. One baby. 12 baby Guinness. You know me. I did it British style. Hammered. Fire.

How is the pregnancy going? How's Soph? She's good, man. She's 33 weeks or 33 and a half weeks now what's what's full term 38 or 40 40 do it in months come on she's uh she's actually due october 13th which is friday the 13th right before halloween which is a the 13th right before Halloween which that's a spooky day this is the thing I was like

it's like if he's born on that there's a boy by the way I have a boy if he's born Damien we're a Freddy but I know him

well and he will be scared of this baby now if it comes on that day you're going to be terrified of this kid aren't you you are though aren't you I will be

like if that is born on Friday the 13th in October you are going to be looking at it for the first few weeks going what's up with you and there's potential that I will be like if that is born on Friday the 13th in October you are going to be looking at it for the first few weeks going what's up with you

and there's potential that he could be a redhead I'll have a fucking little Chucky running around with a knife is it a boy huh

is it a boy it is a boy yeah I don't think you wanted to tell us that last time or did you it was the name

can you still not do that nah can we still suggest oh yeah Adam it's a ginger boy born on a Friday the 13th. Can you? It's got to be Chucky, hasn't it?

It has to be. Yeah. Or the child Chucky. But they never come on the due date. It'll be more scary if this kid turns up three weeks early when you've got a nice block booked off. Ooh. That will be fucking pointless. Oh, my God.

I've got anxiety for you. When is the last tour day before your little break before i go on break yeah uh it's the 30th of september and when do you start again and i start again on the 25th or 26th of october oh've got the gap. So you've got 25 days off. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. So any early or late, and you are literally fucking goosed.

But what they say is, if it's over two weeks late, they induce. Yeah. So that's why we planned it, so that if she's induced, she'll be induced before that next box starts. Yeah, but then you've got like two days.

Yeah, but you haven't done that, because she's due on the 13th, and two weeks after that is the 27th, and you'll have already done like two dates. Yeah, but you haven't done that because she's due on the 13th and two weeks after that is the 27th and you'll have already done two tour dates. Yeah, my maths isn't great. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

This is why I don't teach primary school anymore. Oh, it's so terrifying that you were teaching the children, you know. Like, I love you so much. But there must have been questions every day from six-year-olds where you were just like, ah, I'm fagging out. Oh, I just said, let's Google it. What? Let's Google it.

So today's Google. Dr. Google, what does he want to tell us today and we just look up stuff is that real you you is that genuinely what you did if there was a question that i couldn't answer i mean to be honest a lot of them were religious yeah questions and i'll be like i don't i don't know but let's look it up and then we'd look into a three thousandold book. But in like a lesson, so obviously you had your curriculum, like maths, English, and all that sort of stuff, and you'll be subject to teach. But then if there was a question that came up,

then we'd have these other like miscellaneous lessons where you have like a free with the class, and they could catch up on work. Because it was like year seven, which is year six, end of primary school. They'd have heaps of fucking questions. So what's the sign with two lines

on top of each other we're gonna have to google that what's this one sir again I don't know we're just gonna have to look that up

I tell you what why don't you just get your laptop out and just leave it open sir what's the date again we're gonna have to give that a little bit of a jingle there

you know we have investigation lessons yeah investigation Say, what's the date again? I'm going to have to give that a little bit of a jingle there. You know, we have investigation lessons. Investigation? Yeah, like when we look up stuff. Right. Yeah, investigate. What do you want to learn? What do you want to find out about?

Because kids want to know random shit, and then I'd find stuff they'd want to learn really interesting. Like how many days are in a fortnight? Because clearly I didn't know. What the fuck are you talking about? And the answer's six. What did you think it was? No, no. He's doing a joke.

Oh my God. How mad's that? I believe that he hasn't talked that. Fucking pro-podcaster. What's really worrying is that Carl was genuinely panicked then. What sort of things did the kids ask that you were interested in? Because I do believe you about that. They would ask questions and you'd be like,

that's a fucking good question, Jimmy. I don't know, like about an animal or something. I thought the liver bird was a real bird. It is? No, I've been told so many. You guys set me up so much and I find out after recording. Yeah, we do, but your problem is you always call bullshit on the stuff

that's actually real the liver beard is real I actually think it got there I think it was just someone just drew it yeah it's an extinct beard but it was fucking

the last of them was in Liverpool and that's why they're on top of the thing the legend which isn't true is that if Liverpool ever comes under siege

under attack the liver beards will return and protect the city that doesn't really happen as you know And that's why they're on top of the thing. The legend, which isn't true, is that if Liverpool ever comes under siege, under attack, the Liverbirds will return and protect the city. That doesn't really happen, as you know. Well, is it like the Eagles in Lord of the Rings that come and save Gandalf? Are they like the Liverbirds? Yeah, yeah. You can jump on them and fly and fuck off.

But Liverbirds are real. Well, they were. Are they really, though? I don't know if you're fucking with me because they look pretty real. They look kind of pre prehistoric so i kind of feel like when you say they're extinct it's like the dodo bird they're just big yeah but they haven't been extinct that long they like they were still around when like liverpool football club was established in 1892 suppose 100 years they just went that's why they're on the shirt yes why are they on your

shirt and not the everton shirt because Because Everton aren't called Liverpool. Yeah, fair enough. And they're called Liverbirds. Everton's a butter of... What would protect the city now? Who protects the city now? Yeah, if the birds are extinct. Ross Kemp.

He comes heavy now and then. Has a wave with the gangs and then fucks off. There's a couple of species, like the Scylla. I think it was Scylla. Scylla Black. There's a black one.

That was Scylla. Like type of liver bird. How many of you didn't know that? Is this the whopper thing? What else have they been lying to you about, Thomas? I've always told them whopper is a compliment to women. Like if you want to talk to a woman and the film's like, you want to whopper you,

that they'd be like, thank you. And I found out that it's insulting. It is insulting, yeah. But no one let you do it. They just tweeted you and told you the truth instead of letting the joke fail. So that heavily pregnant missus is such a whopper. Didn't go down well.

But the Cilla Black is a species of a live bed. Cilla Black? Isn't that a famous person? She's named after it. Her name was Cilla White. You can Google this. And her stage name was Cilla Black because of the live bed. And she's from Liverpool. like her name was silla white you can google this and her stage name is silla black because of the live bin she's from liffield i'm looking at dan here

this is why i need dan silla black's real name dan can you see how when i when you weren't here for that patronette why i needed you mate because they run rampant. Put the telly on. Priscilla Maria Veronica White is her name, but her stage name is Cilla Black, named after the species of liverbird. There you go. Cute. The black liverbird. It doesn't say that name.

It doesn't say that. No, it doesn't. But that's her name is Cilla White. Better known as Cilla Black. It's got nothing on there but the fucking bird. Yeah, but I've not clicked on it. Why would it have that on there? Nah, you guys are full of shit, mate.

You're an idiot. So harsh. What is? You're an idiot. Well, I apologise. Is that too far now? I do feel like you're on one today. I am, I am.

Oh, Carl arrived in a mood. I shoused them at the start of the episode to come and start the episode and he come in and was like, don't talk to me like that. Can you please... No one shouts me from the next room when I had a kitchen delivered.

Can I just ask what you mean by a kitchen delivered? What do you mean you had your kitchen delivered? Let's have a lesson. Let's break them words down, Thomas. The first word is kitchen. What's that? A kitchen delivered? What do you mean you had your kitchen delivered? Let's have a lesson. Let's break them words down, Thomas. The first word is kitchen. What's that? A kitchen. You know what a kitchen is.

It's in your house. Yeah, it's a collection of cupboards and appliances. You cook and, yeah. You lost some moral authority with that. The cook and ting. You're trying to lecture your mum on a kitchen. You know what a kitchen is. It's quite difficult to describe.

Hard ting. Boxy ting. Cold place. Warm place. Thomas. Oh, kitchen. Kitchen. Yeah, and delivered means.

Huh? Delivered. The past participle of the, to deliver, to give. Someone gave me a kitchen. Can I be honest with you? I'm more confused now than before you started. Pass participle. Someone gave you a kitchen. I bought a kitchen

and they gave me a... Right, so you purchased one. Tom, just over here. Just one sec. You do know it's possible to buy kitchens. I thought you just moved into the house. Isn't that all that? It was.

Oh, now when we break it down, it sounds so ridiculous. So you know when someone gets a new kitchen? You've heard of that before, right? How do you think that happens? Well. Well, you've seen the whole thing built in your head and they deliver the whole thing

in the shape that it's meant to be? The two things that went through my head, Dan, were when you build a new house, it all gets built at the same time. I haven't built a new house. Right, so kitchen goes in. But he hasn't built a new house. He's not. Or he's renovating, aren't you?

Yeah. So when you said you bought your kitchen, your house is already together. Like, I've seen it. It's lovely, by the way. It's nice enough. Very nice. And you're wondering at the minute what he's going to do with did it come like yeah i didn't think it was i didn't think of it being like broken down and like you assemble it

do you know what i mean that's what it is yeah that makes sense i thought you my kitchen got delivered and you were saying like the room yes because you were saying... They have to take the roof off. The whole thing gets in by a crate. Yeah, like fucking dropped in because... New back bedroom came this morning on the back of a lorry. The reason why that was in my head, can I just justify my stance here? Yeah. Was because you were so put out by the delivery

that I thought a whole kitchen, as in whole built, was fucking at your front door. They're like, here's your kitchen, mate. We've left it in a safe place. Just a plant pot on the table. It's under the plant pot. With a little slip of the drawer. You can pick it up from your neighbour.

Renovations are stressful, but I'm getting, I'm nearly through it now. How's it going? Is the house fucking pimping? No, we haven't got a living room. We're living in the bedroom. It's getting delivered. going with this is the house fucking pimping uh no we haven't got a living room uh we're living we're living in the bedroom with a cat and a dog and that isn't a kid's nursery and he doesn't know

neither of them next door's cat and dog i've let him move in we've got no way to live in the house except for the bedroom yeah oh that's all right no't. No, we renovated in Nottingham once and we had a microwave in our bedroom. Oh, you have a microwave, yeah? We haven't. You've got a microwave? Because it's a built-in one. It's downstairs.

You should just bought a cheap microwave for the bedroom for your cat and your dog. Are you cooking stuff or doing anything? Is there a microwave in the new kitchen? Got a microwave in the new kitchen, yeah. Is it built in

or is it like, can you take it out? It's built in, yeah. Oh, fuck. So you're still in the same position. Yeah. Thank or is it like can you take it out it's built in oh fuck so you're still in the same position yeah thank you

I haven't had the kitchen for six weeks and I won't have another couple of weeks but it's fine we've been eating out and it's awful it gets so boring

so fast it doesn't it does I do it all the time and it's great I do like cooking occasionally but

I just wanted like a lovely cottage pie. Why don't you go to somewhere that sells it? Do you know, while you were complaining then about your kitchen, on the screen down here they had a promo for like a dinosaur thing. I was thinking like, how hard must it have been to cook food back then? You're upset about a microwave, mate. Do you know what I mean? Who's taking it? Do you mind? Adam a microwave, mate.

Do you know what I mean? Who's taking it? Do you mind? I don't have that one. Do you mind if I? What? Could you just turn the screen off? It doesn't matter. Let's get that set.

Oh, Michael J. Fox got a new program for us. Yeah, it wasn't Michael J. Fox. It was a Giselle Bobani. But that's not the one, Joe. What's that? What was the gavel for? This is just because I was about to bang for attention in the room. Okay.

So walk me through it. Dinosaur times. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to cook back then. A hundred percent. For who? For everyone.

Leave me. Right. Right. For who? What do you mean? For people. Oh, Lord. Why is this hard?

Right, okay. Why? No, I'm sorry. They were humans back then. Don't do it. You've got to leave this for me. Right. They would have been humans.

How long? How? So, right, here's the question. Why aren't there dinosaurs anymore, Thomas? Because they died. They're like the live bird. They got extinct. What happened to them to kill them?

Some say it was a big explosion. A big explosion? Yeah. Shut the fuck up, Steve. Right, okay. That was good. I'm so confused. Oh, this is worrying was good. I think... I'm so confused. Oh, this is worrying me now.

I think what you're getting slightly confused with... Can we go back to the days of the Fortnite? What you're getting slightly confused with, I think, is the Big Bang. No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the meteors, not the Big Bang. Right, so not an explosion, a meteor. I'm not talking about the start. Right, okay.

I'm talking about the... So there's dinosaurs and humans all over the planet, right? And they're, you know, co-existing, trying to share pans and stuff. I think he's getting mixed up with the Flintstones. They were real. So the meteor hits. Yep.

And every dinosaur is immediately killed. Yeah. They're wiped off the planet. But the humans and their cutlery. I didn't say that cutlery survived i said that i was saying they had fire right okay that's a i see what you're saying why didn't everyone die yeah yeah but here's the thing here's the thing they did everyone did die that was on the planet at the time the fact that humans come no no not everyone died right cockroaches yeah they were laughing no mammals as well a couple of mammals waterborne mammals

mammals survived what what what mammals mammals that ended up becoming human human they were animals yeah fish like in waterborne yeah there was no land mammals that survived surely yeah there was was there yeah who humans humans they're animals they survived there must have been some humans i'm i i normally love stringing you along as long as possible but i feel like we really must stress this there was never a time where humans and tyranosaurus Rexes were co-existent. I beg to differ. Jurassic Park. Barney Rollins.

Oh, yeah. Apart from in 1993. Okay. I've just realised. Can I just be honest with you? I realised through this learning curve this is what i mean by the google like when investors investigate we call it as brains i feel like this is investigation time for thomas you know what i mean like i'm learning

you googled some shit fucking cilla black so let's go forward billions of years to when the humans came what you want to know is how do they? No. Okay, let's get to that in a second. What I've realised is, so I, you know, and the cult and everything was taught. For those who don't know, go and watch Thomas's first appearance on Have A Weigh, where he talks about growing up in a cult. A Christian cult.

Go to the episode. A Pentecostal cult. Yeah. Sounds like a term of abuse, doesn't it? You fucking Pentecostal cult. They're even worse't it? You fucking Pentecostal cult. They even wear us if you call it a Pentecostal cunt. That would be worse. That's more on the nose.

That's more on the nose. That's the name of the next tour. Yeah. No, I was thinking that like because, you know, creation talks about everything being together at the same time, right? But then when I started learning about evolution and stuff only six years ago, I got to learn about science and shit. With a load of kids who were asking about it and you had to Google it.

No, this was after teaching when I was here. Oh, cool, cool, cool. Soph was teaching me about evolution. When I met Soph, I asked her questions. I believe you. Yeah. So we're talking about evolution and I was learning about it. And then I was like, fuck me.

I didn't realize all this shit happened. And it makes way more sense than six days and then a day of rest. Like, fuck me. That's crazy. Because come on. He could build a kitchen deck. Builders don't work that fast. Trust me.

Especially on a fucking sati messing out you but uh yeah so i was thinking from that i realized that that there you go the church still influenced me there because i was thinking oh yeah fuck they were running around the same but i was thinking when i learned about evolution i sort of combined the two that humans and dinosaurs were all together billions or millions of years ago billions billions billions no not billions millions hundreds of millions hundreds of millions of years ago i thought we were all together millions of years ago. Billions? Billions? No, not billions. Hundreds of millions. Hundreds of millions of years ago, I thought we were all just chilling.

I think tens of millions of years in between. I don't feel like that's that dumb. You made a joke before that he was getting confused with the Flintstones, but I actually think he's getting confused with Flintstones. In your head. That's how Carl started, Adam. In your head, is there a telephone telephone like a duck kind of thing?

It looks like an animal and it screams when the telephone goes. And when you finish work, you ride off the back of a big tail. Is that in your head real? No. But I did think that they would have used dinosaurs to like do shit. Yeah, the Diplodocus does make sense in construction, doesn't it? It's like the dinosaur crane.

Is he the big... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And like if you want a speedy car, you'd get like a fucking Velociraptor, fucking wing around on that. That's like your Ferrari. Velociraptor.

Fucking hell, mate. Yeah. Your world is better than ours, by the way. Just saying. The ignorance you live in is wonderful. That's why I never wanted to play Turok. Do you remember that game? No.

Oh, it was like dinosaurs and you had to live. But my point being, Carl, is that- How did they cook food in the dinosaurs' time? Yes. How would they have done it? So how did they cave many food? So who were- We're not that-

If dinosaurs went around when humans started, then what were we fighting? Sabre tooths? Yeah. What were we fighting? To survive. There always has to be an enemy, hasn't there? Each other?

Yeah. But you know how this whole thing of like humans are the the the king dicks so to speak they're the big dogs yeah off the food chain off the food chain yeah yeah how what's so significant if you weren't finding dinosaurs like what the fuck was getting you like because mammoths were around and saber-tooths yeah how'd they survive by the way from the big fucking they weren't around before. They weren't around? No.

So hang on. Just a hair of the elephant. How many evolutions were there? Like how many times does this thing start from nothing? Just say that again. Say that again. Just say that one more time, that full sentence. The word evolution is the word you need.

Just say that again. I said how many evolutions was there? Right. Okay. You've got to let me lead this, okay? Do you think like evolution is like finished? Clearly for Tom. I meant the start of the cycle of evolution.

The beginning of it. Yeah. I don't think you've got a full grasp on evolution. So evolution isn't like we were all this and we're all going to be the next thing. Yeah, right. Evolution starts with like one thing and then that one thing evolves into three or four different things.

Then those three or four different things evolve into three or four different things themselves. Yeah, yeah. And that creates all the different species in the world. Yeah. You can trace a lot of things back to one common ancestor where we all started from. So the amount of evolutions, like...

Which is a ridiculous sentence, and I can't believe you just made me say that out loud. The amount of evolutions is infinite and will always be infinite and will... Humans are evolving? I don't think we are, though. I think we've stopped evolving. Thicker bellend skin? No, that's not evolution it is what do you mean you think we've stopped how how can we evolve as a species in our time because it's so much bigger yeah so but there'd

have to be a variation of homo sapiens yeah you've got no balance i mean wiped out every other no you can evolve within a species no but how where how can how is evolution happening i don't i don't the change will be so minute to us that to us with the same but then watching watching i think we put in too many safeguards around existence for evolution to happen anymore. What about the lack of use of your little finger and your little toe and your crane and give you a neck? It's not going to happen in 10 years. Your balance skin's thicker than ours.

I don't think that's evolution. That's just my dick. Are you saying you're from a different evolution strand? No, he's got his foreskin cut off, which is why he's had to evolve thicker skin to protect his will strand. No, he's got his foreskin cut off, which is why he's had to evolve thicker skin to protect his willy. No, hang on, that's not... That's not true. That's not evolving.

No, but I'm saying... What the fuck are you talking about? I cut my dick off. My dick is evolving. I am the next step. What I mean is going forward. It's possible in the gene pool. No, my son's been born... Not that quickly. What?

He hasn't been born with no foreskin, is he? It's not within one generation. Nah, but you do get traits from your parents. Hang on. That's not evolution. That's me cutting my foreskin off and my dick going a bit harder. And then when I die, that's the end of that.

My jizz isn't like, right, from now on, harder dicks. Like, that's not evolution. That's just habitual, isn't like right from now on harder dicks like that's not evolution that's just uh habitual isn't it that's your surroundings you see evolution's not that easy you know what's really funny is we started this to make fun of thomas and i just realized how stupid all of you are all of you didn't evolve himself no it's not because it's not me because you all like humans have not finished evolving

that's absolutely insane bellend skin is getting thicker what are you talking about what are you talking about bellend skin is getting thicker what are you talking about where have you heard this it was on the news

general 4 news I think Krishna Guru Meh if he was talking about he came on and was like ladies and gentlemen this is like the girl at the party

bellend skin is getting thicker the girl at the party was like we're going to have bigger thumbs because everyone's texting she was like, we're going to have bigger thumbs because everyone's texting. She was like, that's the next evolution.

She's got big iPhones now. It doesn't work like that. It means a kid would have to be born with this big fucking texty thumb and essentially they'd like excel and wipe everyone out because we were like, oh, my thumbsore,

my little shitty thumb. Yeah, you could wipe everyone with a big thumb. Can I ask a question? Finger. In in your logic what you're saying there because you're saying like things that evolved right i'm going to come back to the ground level how do you seem smart so animals right like things that were trying to stay alive, they would adapt to the environment and they grow wings or they grow this and that to be able to survive in the water

or whatever, you know? That's evolution, yeah? Obviously, yeah. And you're saying that humans would get thicker foreskin. No. What? Bellend skin. Bellend skin, sorry.

Okay. Fuck, that's the same thing. Thomas, you're engaging with the worst point that anyone's made so far. You're saying the top of your knob would get harder to be safer without the cover. I thought you were saying you'd regenerate foreskin that was harder.

And I was like, why would you do that? This is full TikTok, this. Fuck me. Can we have a break and a little reset? And then can we start the same conversation? Oh, my God. That's like evolution, the reset. The meteor fucking bang. I like when evolution started.

Who is this advert for next for skin we are burn of four of four

4x4 and Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale and Thomas Green and Carlos and Stephen Esteban Esteban

Esteban Esteban yeah that makes sense you look like an Esteban it's because I am it's Spanish is it actually what Steve's short for? yeah

get fucked oh god oh god Stephen is short for Esteban Esteban is Spanish for Stephen is it? yeah I don't know that that sounds way better than the English version what's Thomas Green

doing? Thomas what's Green got any questions? Ryan Scott says what's the cheapest order you've ever made someone deliver example Just Eat, Uber Eats or Deliveroo I heard this on another podcast Sean Walsh uh has

said he just gets a mackey's apple pie delivered on deliveroo oh cheapest ever i i am the wrong person to compete here because i always go ham i always go too much henry the eighth on deliveroo yeah go big i've had um feed them words near my house there are many takeaway places and i've had one deliver and it's 120 yards From my front door And when he walked there That's a short distance You're not going low price

You're going short distance Yeah He went Mate what are you doing here I went Lad I've just paid you £2.50 Why are you complaining He went

Yeah I suppose Or if you don't want to do the order Cancel it and go No we're not delivering to there But don't do it And then bitch at the door He walked He's like

I've just paid you To walk around the corner That's better for him Why would he complain cancel it and go, no, we're not delivering to there. But don't do it. And then bitch at the door. He walked, he's like, I have to walk around the corner. I don't have to page you to walk around the corner. Why? That's better for him. Why would he complain? Because he was like, oh, I'm sticking to piss here,

aren't you? Come on. What? People just like complaining so much that they don't realise what they're complaining about is actually to their benefit sometimes. Yeah, like...

People feel inconvenienced for being asked to do their job. Yeah, absolutely. Like, and people are just like, oh, I can't believe I've got to... Have you ever absolutely like it and people just oh i can't believe i've got it you ever ask like someone like a zara a zara to go and see if they've got it in the back your size you might as well be going oh could you do us a favor love could you just go and climb kilimanjaro and i'll just wait here you tell me what it's like at the top zara is we just had a

window done and the guy said to me like he was in our room he's and he's painting and uh he said i have to come back and i was like okay and then i thought the window was going to be done in a day right and then he said to me he's like yeah i just i hate painting it's your fucking job sunshine i'm sorry you don't like painting yeah i, come back tomorrow because it's taken too long. Were you painting by the hour or by the day? Huh? Hour or daily rate? No, because...

Just the job price, weren't it? Yeah. Right, okay. What a great reason to go home. That's a pissed thing. Do you know what? I'm just going to take half a day because I feel a bit sad. Took some wrong turns and now I'm here.

And earlier that day, right, the reason you get the fucking painting done was because he goes, oh, I'm just going to nip out and get a drink and we live on a high street right there's fucking heaps of shops you just walk and get a fucking drink he jumped in his car and drove off he went home and he come back like an hour later he went home for a nap oh one window is it oh that's a three day job He saw you come No he did it over four days I'm not backing this up One window

One window Four days You're fucking lying What are you letting me What are you doing It's because it's a protected building So it has to match It's an old Victorian sash window.

Oh, so you've got to paint it. What? Yeah. What was he painting? The sills? Yeah, the sills on the exterior and interior has to match the street and everything. It's all very strict.

And so he came on the, it was meant to be last week on Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday first of all, and it was Wednesday, Thursday, and they said, oh, Friday. And then he came back up. Then he, on Friday, he left early because it said oh Friday and then he came back up then he on Friday

he left early because it's bank holiday weekend and he came back on Tuesday he finished this week I could believe how you tell me he didn't like doing the job

he's still well there are these black strips I'm quick but this is my problem is I didn't I can't I don't know

I don't like conflict I'm just like yeah go on mate I'll see you on Tuesday people pleaser to fuck

I'm the same I sent the plasterers home today and I didn't want to you sent them home yeah

so the kitchen's just not done no they're plasterers no that's his euphemism

you know you've got the plasterers in send the plasterers home I'm gonna skim that one out I hate plastering That's funny, that's his euphemism. You know, he got the plasterers in. Send the plasterers home. The plasterers.

I'm going to skim that one now. I hate plastering. Particularly this kind. No, I was waiting for the spark to come and the spark wasn't going to be there long enough. It's going to cut their day in half. So I sent them home and said, come and do a full day tomorrow.

Good lad. But also, I could have told them to fuck on and go on. But I'm a people pleaser and I hate myself for it. Yeah, I'm the same. I like people being happy. I'm like, do you know what? He wants to get a drink for an hour. That's fine.

And then he wants to not paint. That's, you know, his problem. I hate being a people pleaser. That's my biggest flaw. I hate it. I don't think you are a people pleaser, really. I am. I think just occasionally you do something nice for someone

and you go, I'm a people pleaser, mate. No, that's not what people pleasing is. It's putting yourself out when someone else is just doing something nice for someone and you go, I'm people pleasing me. That's not what people pleasing is. It's putting yourself out when someone else is just doing something nice isn't people pleasing. Right. That's not what people pleasing is. People pleasing is me going,

them, You don't do anything you don't want to do. Ever. I mean, of course. I just had to plaster his home this morning and I didn't want to, but I didn't want them sitting in the van for an hour and a half

while his back came on. You won't fucking rack the fucking pool table up twice in a row. You'll stop playing. It's not people-pleasing. You'll stop. You will literally go, oh, I'm not playing then.

People-pleasing isn't your mates though, really. It's other people. You don't want to put other people out. You laughing at me? Oh, you don't mind putting your mates out? No, of course not. Rack them up. But like I said to them plasters,

tough shit, laddies are here. Waiting an hour and a half for the spark. And I went, nah, he's going. You can go home. I didn't want them to, but I wanted them said to them plaster it's tough shit lad he's here wait now and half for the spa and I went nah he's going you can go home I didn't want them to but I wanted them to like me

now they think I'm cool but I've got no fucking I'm a good guy like if they yeah the guy knocked

on the door on the Tuesday and I took a second to get to the door I'm not making this shit up and I open the door and all tuesday there we go and i took a second to get to the door i'm not making this up and i opened the door and all three of the blokes came to they were walking away from the door and then he stopped and he seen me at the door and he goes oh oh you're home uh we're

gonna do the window today i was like yeah great they'll i caught them they were leaving three men one window six days this is the crazy thing porno this is the thing I caught them. They were leaving. Three men. One window. Six days. This is the crazy thing. Porno. This is the thing. All three of them came,

brought shit up into the thing and then left one dude. Another two left. It was one guy. You're getting robbed soon, you. You reckon? How much was this work, Thomas? Just because it sounds like it was about three grand. I don't know because-

Oh, good. Yeah, never agree a price. That's good. No, no. That's the key, isn't it? It's the landlord pays it. It's going to be 15 grand, isn't it? Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, it's not me. I'm not paying for it. All we're going to need is to follow your bank card for a couple of weeks and whatever's left in it, when we give you the back, that's how much the job was. You've never done that before?

Thomas, yesterday, a man who I've never met woke me up in my house having a shit wait how you're a people pleaser i'd rather get robbed than have someone wake it up to someone have been on holiday and the workers they've got access to my house because the builders i've been away so they've not met me because it's too much. He's very friendly with his postman. He lets the postman poo on his down to the toilet. Wait, what?

You just let people in your house? Do you think when I go out the builders just go home? This podcast has been dominated. We've spent half the time with Carl and Thomas looking at each other going... The theme of the episode is that he's just going,

where the fuck are you? What are you? You get contactless access to your house and then they do the thing. No, no. So I stay home while they come in. It's impossible. We've been here for three months.

I would never leave the house. Well, I should do it quicker then. So Carl, he didn't realise you were in and he had a dirty big plot. He hadn't met me yet. He was like, oh, this house is empty. I've been here for four days he's been in Italy

and he'd done a shit which I heard on the Japanese toilet yeah he didn't use the seat though he used toilet paper like a fucking heathen

what do you mean Japanese toilet me and him me and Carl have got Japanese toilet seats Carl got me for Christmas last year it washes your bum off

oh them ones yeah yeah yeah you had a word for that though last time Japanese toilet seat. Carl got me for Christmas last year. It's great. It washes your bum well. Oh, them ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a word for that, though, last time. Japanese toilet seats. No, no, no. A bidet. A bidet. Thank you.

It's not one of them, though, is it? It's not a bidet, is it? I thought it was French. I didn't realise it was Japanese. Look, it's bidet sounds French. It does. Anyway, the man's done a poo. Kamikaze.

And I came out the door. I opened the door in me pyjamas because I got dressed. And he went, hello, do you live here? And I went, the door. I opened the door in my pyjamas because I got dressed. And he went, hello, do you live here? And I went, yeah, mate. Hello, I do. Someone walk around your bathroom

and ask him that question. And I'm seven in the morning. Do you shit here? Yeah, do you live here? I was like, yeah, yeah. He's like, right. Have you been? I was like, I've been in Aldi.

He's like, right, yeah. I was going to go downstairs, cut you the way. I was like, cool. Went in, a little tiny poo skid. Oh! Where's the card? Where's the card?

Where's the card? That's a red card. That's horrific. With a little bit of toilet paper still in. You know what I mean? Like he hasn't- He hasn't second flushed it. No.

Lad. Nah, sometimes a second flush doesn't work though. But that's brutal. You didn't know I was there? There was toilet paper still in there. It would have dealt with that. A second flush would deal with the toilet paper. Oh, that's a fair point, yeah.

Didn't know I was there. I only done a big poo. Oh. I mean, yeah. Would you, are you, at that point, would you rather use the Japanese toilet?

I'd feel like that was a, a level of thought of like, betrayal. How would you feel? If someone used me Japanese toilet seat? Yeah. At the postman.

You know what I mean? You know, he was letting. You told me to use your Japanese toilet seat. You're a friend. You know, you're in the circle. I let all me mates use my Japanese toilet seat whenever they want.

Well, he's at a bevy, you know what I mean? He's fucking amazing. I, uh... Imagine just hearing from you trying to get to sleep and all you can hear is a workman going, oh my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking hell, buddy. You're going to have to have a shit, Jesus Christ. Fucking hell, Benny.

You're going to have to have a shit up here, mate. It's glorious. I'm embarrassed. Who's Benny? Oh my God. Do you know what I've just realised? I haven't, since I've come back from Edinburgh, I haven't had a poo in my toilet.

I was going to say, mate, that's bad. Yeah. I haven't been pooing as much lately. I don't know what's going on. It's because you're healthier. It's because you're not drinking six gallons of Guinness every day. Copy that.

I'm still doing this. I'm not shitting myself. Another question. Craig Feeney says, question for the pod. If you had the ability to stop doing two mundane essential tasks that you do on a regular basis,

what two activities would you choose? Basically, things that need doing, but you'd love to avoid. There's no implication or health risks. You just stay as you are right now. Mine would be going to the toilet and queuing. So you can just take away two bits of bullshit. Going to the toilet has got to be up there.

Do you know what I think is, for me, if there was no health risk, brushing my teeth. Honestly, one of the worst feelings in the world is being comfy in bed and ready to go to sleep and then realising

you haven't brushed your teeth and you've got to get out. It wakes you up. You've got to brush your teeth in the brightest room in the world. You might as well be in the fucking dentist

and then you've got to come back in and get comfy again. How long is the mundane task, like are we saying the time period that it qualifies to be do you know i'm saying that's a quick thing like anything that would be basically his teeth would be fine forever and he'd never have to brush them again and his breath wouldn't stink i think mine would be cooking i know i like to cook them occasionally if i could just have food there i I can do that.

That's Carl's life at the moment. Deliver to exist. Mine is emptying a dishwasher. Oh. And hanging up wet clothing when you've emptied the washing machine. Oh, and I love hanging up clothing.

Blow my head off. Do you? Yeah. Oh, fucking blow my head off. Come to ours then. I'd rather put the clothes in the bin. Do you know what I love doing?

I love getting the iron board out, fucking putting on something on TV and fucking ironing and watching. Oh, I love it. It's so therapeutic. Do you iron en masse? En masse. Do you iron your stuff

and then hang it in your wardrobe before, like, with no plan to wear it? Sometimes. Wow. Wow. You are. Fucking mob. My mother does that.

She'll have a fortnight of ironing. Laura does it. Laura does it she piles it up she's like this is my system you're like well it looks like a wash house

because you never get round to it it's so annoying just get it from the fucking tumble dryer or off the rack and then just hang it up and iron when you need it I don't want to iron something

that I might never wear ever again what a waste of everyone's time that is the risk with Adam all he's doing is ironing for the charity shop. These are absolutely flawless. Yeah, iron as you go. Because sometimes you don't need to.

It's just falling out on the hanger. Sometimes it's on the fucking, the hanger so much. Like I've had clothes up there for so long. They've never been ironed. And you come off and you're like, that's good enough. Yeah.

I took my anti-social social club shit off the hanger yesterday and I'm just like ready to go fine yeah what about

parking your car yeah but right so what just happens you just have a pass to just literally stop your car wherever you are

and just wander off yeah and it's not going to obstruct traffic or anything you just can just park it that's a good one you know

if you could just like arrive at your destination get out your car It's not going to obstruct traffic or anything. You just can just park it. That's a good one, you know. If you could just, like, arrive at your destination, get out your car, and there's no repercussions to that whatsoever. Fucking give me... I'll brush my teeth, mate. I'll have that. That's good. Just get it to Terminal 2,

drive it right next to the door, and be like, that will be there in a week. Yeah, when you come out, it's just still there. It's still there. There's no repercussions. There's no parking ticket. See, Cal? Not so fucking stupid still there. It's still there. There's no repercussion. There's no parking ticket. See, Carl? Not so fucking stupid after all.

Fucking hell, mate. That and the fucking wang in the washing up. Oh, do you know, my second one might be to just be able to walk from that car through the airport terminal

and just onto the plane just to avoid that awful hour and a half of fucking bullshit. That doesn't happen enough. No, no, no. It's not a mundane enough task. No, but it's my least favourite time in the world ever.

What, being on a plane? Oh, God, I fucking hate it. Just get the fast pass. Or just jump in the queue anyway. You get us a ride. Oh, I'd just do an Adam now. Just wander in the fast pass. It's so good hanging out with him.

No one checks. I was flown to Italy. You got fast pass? He's like, yeah. I'm like, cool, yeah, yeah. Said it with confidence. And I'm behind him like, la, la, la, la. The airport is so easy to choose.

In the airport, I just walked to the Fastpass queue. And we didn't have Fastpass, but the queue for the main bit was chaos. And I just walked up and they went, have you got Fastpasses? And I went, yeah. Fuck, why didn't you do that in Dublin? Last year, that was the worst fucking airport. Fuck that airport. That was horrific.

Do you know, that must have been like a one-off, though, because Dublin airports, I've found. I've been back twice. It's fine. It's really fine....is really bad. It was the worst. I went to Dublin on Sunday. Here's a tip to flyers.

If you've already checked in, you can have as many bags as you want. Yeah. You're only allowed 10 kilos. I flew to Italy with a 10-kilo bag, which was about 40 kilos, and a huge North Face backpack, which might have been 20 itself.

What are you taking? Clothes. If you've already checked in, they don't check your bags yeah they do on a incredible i've seen it happen on a busy flight if they're hammered they will go down the line and go that bag's too big it'll have to go in the hold yeah that does happen that's the only risk you're running we're not paying if no they don't make you pay exactly it's it's just because people love getting off the thing and getting straight on to it. Free bags.

Just take as many bags as you want. Steve's bag's bigger than him. My bag's bigger than that. And I took a suitcase. I don't know if you're allowed a small handbag. And how are you not fed? We went to Tenerife. My suitcase was like 40 kilos.

So when she was measuring, she just lifted it up. Yeah. That was really funny. Actually, he did do that. I've seen that. You know, you put your bag on the thing to get weighed. See how much it is. Steve just had one of the wheels in his hand

and lifted it off the thing. It was perfectly 20 kilos. It was like 40 kilograms, but it said like 20. Or he could just take the tray of Lucasade out. He's got five bottles of fucking Lucasade. Steve doesn't empty his air carry-on before he goes to airports. He had 17 Lucasades in his bag.

17? I had one. To be fair, Dan has a spirit level, to be fair. Dan has a spirit level in his backpack. I'm the only person in the history of flight to go, oh shit, and bring out a spirit level. Am I the only person ever to have a spirit level in a backpack? What a song.

And I did it for you. I wanted to balance your pool, David. I got my spirit level here. It's with me in my backpack what a song and i did it for you i wanted to balance my spirit level here it's with me in my backpack i think sleeping i'd just take away sleeping i take away it's not a mundane task it it feels mundane you get to the end of the day oh you can't sleep sometimes it it would be so good if you just didn't have to sleep if you if you didn't get to the point like i know sleeping's good because you absolutely need to if you could just buy back eight hours in the day no it's not more stuff now i think i hear what you're saying thanks for rolling with it no i've decided that that is against the rules no okay i would love to know i think i think he's all right with that i

think you can give him that and i know i i'm quite happy to wipe my ass and brush my teeth because I want to park cars and not sleep, not sleep. I like the feeling when you've had a good sleep. So if you could do like a half hour power nap that counted as an eight hour sleep. Like go in the gym? Oh, yes. So what do you need?

Eight hours? If half an hour's sleep, it was like, you know- Like in a video game. Yeah, like the cordial double concentrate if you could get like how many times more powerful would it be 16 times more powerful

is that right yeah right 16 times strength sleep so in half an hour you've got your full your full night's sleep okay then mine is

going to university and walking he's in a fucking quantum of moods there you go why it's like he wrote the question or even read it this is ridiculous And walking. He's in a fucking quantum of moods right now. It's like he wrote the question or even read it. Fucking, this is ridiculous.

You're sort of being... Craig Feeney has asked a question and we will answer it properly. Mundane tasks leaving our... I'm going to do that again. Mate, I hope you leave that in the edit. Like you get... Oh, I've already emptied in the edit. Like you get, oh, I've got to go into the dishwasher.

10 o'clock. Oh, no. It's that time again. I'm tired again. Bollocks. It is. No, it isn't. It's annoying sometimes.

Oh, it's so mundane. Off to bed. This is why. No, I asked you the question. This is why he's legit. Because I said at the start Getting a PhD I said

How long is a mundane task And you said there's no rule for time Nope Nope So eight hours sleep Or It's not a mundane task Yes it is

It's the most mundane thing you can do mate You're fucking out What is the definition of mundane Mundane is like an everyday thing That you It's the most mundane thing you can do, mate. You fucking... What is the definition of mundane? Mundane is like an everyday thing that you... That is everyday! Yeah, but is that a necessity? Eating? Washing the dishes is a necessity.

Lacking interest or excitement. Repetitive. Boring. Unproductive. It's sleep. Mate, that's literally... Is sleep got the same definition? Fucking fake.

Laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning, placing online orders, driving kids around, et cetera. Or sleeping. Carl. Steve. Can you please type in, is sleeping a mundane task? And Google gets to decide who's right. Can I just say, going back to Adam's point before, Carl,

you are not a people pleaser. Maybe sleep is just another mundane task that you've gotten into a routine. It's got it in the same sentence. See you, Carl. Can't argue. You are wrong, though. Dan wins and you don't have to sleep ever again, mate. There you go.

I'm still picking dishwasher. I love sleeping. You love sleeping because you need to do it, though. Laying out... Becoming a member of Mensa. Joining NASA. I can't wait till your house is finished. Building a lovely desk.

I think house renovations... Oh, I'm going to do that again. Oh, carpentry. I'll solve your bollocks. Are you walking off? I'll do that again. Oh, carpentry. I saw your bollocks. I said, yes, they were cute. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. Are you walking off? Do you want to take five?

Carl's out. Ironically, he's going for a nap. Carl! Come on, Carl. Back in now. Sit down. Got stuff to do. Just one day in this shit.

back in now sit down got stuff to do he's the only one that didn't drink last night I've never seen him he's the non hungover one no way

yeah you got a good night's sleep I'm not hungover mate I jogged it off I've never seen you man I'm not mad we've got some advice anonymous

wag wag lids keep me anonymous please this is from Jake Garrett I need I need a strange We've got some advice. Anonymous. Wag wag lids. Keep me anonymous, please. This is from Jake Garrett. I need a strange bit of advice. Basically, my mum is a care worker and wanted an extra bit of income. I showed her how to sell some stuff on Vinted and she got really into it.

I came back home the other week to find that my mum has now moved onto selling something else. Tickets. My mum has basically become a ticket tout. I've sat in queues trying to buy early bird concert and sports tickets so she can rip people off by reselling. I'm conflicted because she's making more money than she does.

Sorry. She's making more money than she needs, but we're a working class family and she's doing the quintessential scumbag job. What should I do? Mum's a ticket out. Tell her off. Yeah,

it's one of the worst things in the modern world, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit naughty. It's going to get to the point, I think,

because artists hate it, don't they? Especially because if you're Taylor Swift and people are selling your tickets for like a grand, that means you could be

selling your tickets for a grand and making the money. But you've priced them for your fans have you seen what happens with live nation with surge selling do you like the way uber when the the man goes up the price goes up yeah tickets are the same no way yeah so the price if you go oh there's 10 000 people on the site they will up the price of the ticket it's disgusting but an artist can cap their prices they will control the range yeah but they're still they're

still at upper range oh that's stinky yeah i don't think that's the worst thing my mom sold my game boy when i was a kid that was devastating fucking game boy original because she didn't ask she just took it and sold it no but why did she sell it because she was oh she like there was a family at the church actually she didn't even sell it she gave it away sorry she gave it to a family church because she goes oh that kid wouldn't be family at the church actually no she didn't even sell it she gave it away sorry she gave it to a family at the church because she goes oh that kid wouldn't be able to get one

so I just gave him yours no you can't have one yeah but no you're the kid without one so she didn't even get his yeah I had Pokemon Red fucking

Metroid whatever it was called it's really sad I had all these games Kirby have you ever bought other tickets out yeah we bought one oh you've got the Chelsea Chelsea I avoid it at all costs for Liverpool I had all these games. Kirby. Have you ever bought other tickets out?

Yeah, we bought one after Chelsea. Oh, you've got the Chelsea. I avoid it at all costs for Liverpool, but then when I absolutely need to get to a game, it's hypocritical because I think it's

fucking bang out of order. But if I need to get a ticket, I know it's always an option and I'm in a position of privilege to do it. But if I can, I avoid it. How do you know if it's legit

outside a stadium though? You don't really. You don't? You don't really. You don't? You don't. But I don't just go up to someone outside the stadium. There's people that I know. We do.

Oh, okay. I think my man should give his mum terrible advice on who's really... I think it's going to get to a point with tickets. Sorry, what I was trying

to say before. Wait, your ID. You're going to have to buy it with your ID and on your way in they're going to check the name on the ticket against you.

I don't know why that hasn't happened already. Does it? That's how you get into Glastonbury? Your face is on your ticket. What? Yeah, so if you want to buy a ticket to Glastonbury

you'd have to go someone with dark hair you'd have to it would be difficult with you because your hair is quite unique. Or you could just dye his hair. Would you dye your hair

for Glastonbury? What if you grew a beard or you shaved your beard off and you look different to your picture? Yeah, it's not homeland security. I think there's a bit of wiggle room. It is just, yeah. I'm guessing you can to your picture. Yeah, it's not Homeland Security. I think there's a bit of wiggle room.

It is just, yeah. I'm guessing you can take your ID and your passport. Yeah, those lads that got shot. Hang on, you've had a shave. You're not going anywhere near my BAMs.

Get on. No, but you know how some people look really different over the course of... Yeah, but then you've got your identification to match the name.

Yeah. Did you see the lads that got into Glastonbury by just driving up a service road? Confidently. Yeah, with probably got highivers on they just they just had the car they worked out which road was going to get them in and got to a security guard who obviously hadn't seen many cars that day and was just like expecting people to drive up and they're like where do we park one of the acts and he was like oh yeah just keep going there to the right and they just they got

about 15 20 yards in front just started laughing left the car and wandered off most cars no way yeah you can get spun in you can pay like 600 quid and a van will drive you into glastonbury they literally did the thing yeah it's just it's i mean maybe that's obviously not just a scouse thing but there's so many lads i know who don't buy a ticket spun in you get spun in yeah it means like bunking in Right So how do you do it? You will pay a certain amount To a man with a van Who works at Glastonbury You'll all jump in the back

And he'll drive you in Oh my god Like an illegal immigrant Yeah in Calais Yeah It's such a common thing Right And that's cheaper obviously

No it's more expensive Than a ticket But it's so hard to get What? You can't get Glastonbury tickets really It's so hard to get what you can't get Glastonbury tickets it's so hard to get so we would go

I won't buy it I'll add a bevy on top as they say another two three hundred quid and you'll get spun in right I'm so done with festivals I want to do Glastonbury

in the next couple of years play it if it's Spice Girls and Taylor Swift oh yeah Spice Girls next no I don't care about playing it I'll play it if it means

I get the tickets. You get two free tickets, don't you? That's the payment for doing a gig at Glastonbury. Yeah. If it's the Spice Girls next year, I don't care who I've got to suck off. I'm going. Yeah, me too.

I'll suck them off after you. You like Spice Girls? Of course I do. And Posh is coming back for it. Yeah. Spice Girls. What? Victoria Beckham.

You know they've done reunion tours. I feel like Thomas, like, what? they've done reunion tours I feel like Thomas like what they've done reunion tours before but Victoria Beckham has never been

part of it but they're reuniting all of them for Glastonbury all the groups from the 90s are coming back

aren't they apart from Oasis goodbye my friend we can tell you our fans mama I love you. They go through all the slow ones. Mama,

my friend. Is this Spice Girls? She's a real lady. Ask for me. Are you serious? Slap me, buddy, down and ride. I'll run. Slap me, buddy, down and ride. anonymous last one and we'll call an end to this fucking podcast need you to have a word with my girlfriend oh it's sort of advice it's sort of i have a word my girlfriend constantly sends me pictures of models of dresses that she wants to buy for going out. However, all these models in the photos are like size six or eight, etc. My girlfriend is a larger lady.

Nothing wrong with it. I like her that way, but she was always left disappointed when the delivery comes and it doesn't suit her. I then get it in the neck a day before the event that she doesn't have anything to wear. How do I let her down gently and tell her

she should start looking at fits for the curvier lady leave Jack I'm all logged in bro bro danger

you're in a dangerous place leave Jack I'm all logged in on her laptop just randomly what's Jack am I because she she wants to dress

like Freddie Flintoff what or Freddie Quinn right look it's it's really annoying and it's it's funny because i've made fun of like uh people who want like the fashion industry changed in the past because of weight things but they've started doing like fat mannequins and stuff

and it's good because you see what it actually would look like on someone who's fatter and i always am like even when i lose weight and I feel quite good at the minute, I'm still fat. I'm still overweight. And you do look at mannequins and go, that is a lovely jacket. And then you put it on and go, it is if you look like the mannequin.

It's frustrating when you're bigger because it's hard to do it because there's not a lot of like shops and models that show what it looks like on a, a fatter person. And that's because. Like the fucking mannequins that are like green or blue. No one looks like that. What? No,

I'm backing Adam up. Someone's on school in five minutes. When you go into a shop and you see. I don't look like that. I'm backing Adam up here. When you go into a shop. I feel like you are to you, but it's not the same that. I'm backing Adam up here. When you go into a shop- It might feel like you are to you, but it's not the same point.

I got you, babes. You know, when you see the coloured, like they're like a bright green or a bright orange, like the couch. Yeah. Where do you shop at? Huh?

The Disney shop. What? Oh, like Disney Princess Regal, do you know what I mean? The Disney shop. Where do you shop? I look fucking stupid if I dress like Buzz Light I mean? It's a Disney shop. Where do you show up? I'd look fucking stupid if I dressed like Buzz Lightyear.

I'd look like a fucking idiot. I'm not blue. Traditionally, slimmer people are more attractive. It's just the way it is. And we like to pretend in this era of body positivity that that's not the case

and everything's beautiful. And it is. You can be big and beautiful, but traditionally, slimmer people, more attractive. Tighter ass means tighter pussy oh no get a bit of fucking chunk on the pussy oh on all of it everything ankles chubby chunky pussy oh you need a curve you need a curve who wants a tiny bottom no i don't want a tiny bottom. I want it to be fwa. Yeah, toy fwa. Sorry, you want it to be...

You want it to be toy... Woo! But you know what I mean. I'm all about that thickness. But it is frustrating. What you're going to have to do, lad, is just... You're just going to have to constantly live in the state you're in. Yeah. You can never do anything about it.

Great advice. I wondered where that was going, and I'm totally backing it up now. You're going to have to keep going. You'd look great in that. And then when she doesn't go, they must have mismade her. It must be one of those mismade ones. Cheaper fabric. Oh, it's been cheaper. Chinese sizes. Cheaper fabric.

Or he could surprise her with some dresses. What? He could surprise her with dresses. Like a muumuu. He could like, what the fuck is a muumuu? It's like a big. It's what a cow says. That's what I was thinking. That's what the farmer says in the middle of the night. What? No. What is a muumuu it's like a big it's what a cow says that's what i was thinking that's what the farmer

says in the middle of the night no it's not it's not a compliment put it that way it was like a big oversized dress it's like a five-person tent with floral designs that's the brand name like jacamo it's called a muumuu no it's the style oh okay so my question is then why doesn't he just gift her dresses danger danger you can't danger thomas what how what here's a i know you buy like size size 10 but how about this size 16 babe no no no no no if she's looking at those ones don't fucking challenge her on it because then you look like an absolute cunt yeah you would You absolutely agree with that, right? I'm just saying for like a birthday why aren't he surprised

with a nice dress? Because she's not going to look good in that one either. She looks awful in everything. No, she looks awful in everything apparently. Oh, that's that's mean, Carl.

I got my D-mail, Thomas. Huh? Yeah. We're not the ones calling his girlfriend a big ugly pig. That's him. Lord.

That was too far far wasn't it you really can't get involved in this one you've just got to be there to support her and go I don't know maybe it's shrinking in the post babe just ride it out imagine if that's how you could lose weight if you just went out in the rain

and you shrunk and that would end the podcast i've got less intelligent during this thomas is going on tour tickets are at thomasgreencomedy.co.uk uh your instagram is thomas green comedy twitter twitter is sorry again your twitter uh i am thomas Twitter's. Sorry again? Your Twitter. I am Thomas Green. Yes, you are. My tour starts this week. I'm going around Europe. The UK starts in October. And I'm very, very excited. A lot of shows are starting to sell out.

And some of the bigger ones are really trickling towards sellout. Now, Glasgow's got about 10 tickets left. So that's unbelievable. Dan? Yeah, when you sell out Glasgow, come and see me, Scotland. I'm in Nantwich Friday, the 8th of September. That's got some tickets left.

Birmingham on the 10th is all sold out. The weekend after is Carlisle sold out. And then I've got tickets available in South Shield, Middlesbrough and Leeds that weekend, but not loads left. They are going to sell out soon.

It's very exciting to finally be on tour. Yeah. And my first one. Oh, it's so good, mate. You are going to fucking love it. It's the best. Oh, have you got a tune? No.

No. Let's sing one. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do you