Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #241 with Gabby Bryan - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastGabby Bryanhttps://twitter.com/gabbyisbryanhttps://instagram.com/gabbyisbryanADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Have A Word, the podcast, the greatest podcast on the planet, pound for pound, that is official, okay? First of all, before we start with our usual spiel, do us a favour, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and hit that bell. We're closing in slowly on the 100k that gets a nice plaque, so do that for us, okay? okay now listen not only are we just the best group of lads on planet earth me and this fella we're comedians stand-up comedians and we're on two separate tours at the minute i'm doing my tour dan's doing his tour dan's going all over the uk as am i tickets for dan at dan nightingale.com loads of shows already sold out tickets for me adam rowe.co.uk come and see both of us separately two of the best hours of stand-up you'll see this year and i don't mind bragging about it i'm on fire at the minute mate i'm burning gaffs to the ground and so is he as he's been doing for 20 years and you'll know that if you've been a fan

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From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Wow. Wow. Wow. If I need to rush out, it's because I haven't plopped properly in about four or five days. Like you're doing too many poos?

No. Not poos at all? There's no movement. Are you constipated? I'm the Suez Canal, mate. Is Sue? I'm jammed up. So I've been pooing less.

But I think it's because I'm drinking less yeah yours is healthy his isn't I'm not enjoying it though I want me shit back like someone who's broke up with a fella I want me shit back get my head right

I used to just like it was it was a problem but I knew how to deal with it do you know what I mean as soon as I got the alert I need to go to the toilet and then the world would fall out my arsehole now i i feel like i probably do should maybe need to

go to the toilet and i have to sit on the toilet and fucking squeeze it out oh who's these weirdos going to try i am i'm literally there's no warning i've literally said trump no i mean all the time though yeah i take a paper in the time no i like that's why i have magazines in the bathroom no don't go and try just wait till your body's like it's now people who live in like a doctor's surgeon no there is definitely people who get up in the morning and just go and sit on the toilet it's what they do they go yeah that's when i try i sit in the morning because it's warm on me bum i wait till it's red alert time literally the whoop whoop whoop, whoop. And then I go, fuck, I've got 30 seconds. And that's always worked for me.

I have been on amber alert for about 48 hours. Have you not pooped for 48 hours? It just doesn't, nothing. But it feels like it's about to go to level red. Nothing's happened. Constipado. Have you been eating? Well, I don't think you can claim constipatione, you know.

Le constipage. You are constipated. Until you're trying and it's not happening. This is all just like, it feels like the biggest back swing. Is that what constipation is, yeah? Constipation is, I can't poo. I'm trying. Are you trying to poo and you can't?

Well, it's like when you're actually doing the job and it's all- You can't. It's not that you haven't, it's that you can't. Oh, God. Oh, that pack of party rings at my sister's, I'm guessing, sixth birthday. Oh, that did me a fucking misjustice the next day. I ate a full pack of party rings.

Whoa. Peter? Go on. The poo was honestly awful. Rolling pin light the next day. Oh, my little nine-year-old bumhole. Like, this is disgusting, and I, you know, we're a highbrow podcast,

and I hate it when we start with talking about poo, but do you know when it is like a rolling pin? Don't you kind of enjoy it? Yeah. That's why I'm sure I've said this on pod before. I think I'd enjoy getting bummed. It's like getting bummed, innit? I always think that.

Because when I have a big old fucking schlong of a shit come out my arse, I feel good. Yeah. I don't cum, but, like, I enjoy it. Right. No, you enjoy the finish of it. Oh's gone you don't enjoy them yeah but that's so much actual pain no you don't what you like oh my god no are you like the owie not the oh i'm just like the whole time i'm just there's a pleasure to it wow i imagine it's like when people get a tattoo.

Yeah, their favourite bit's the tattoo, the end of it. But they also enjoy the pain that the tattoo... Ah, well, let me tell you about my tattoo. There was about 2,000 people watching online

and 200 people in the room and it hurt my bottom. Yeah. Well, you can't see your... You can't look at your tattoo on a daily basis, can you?

No, I just do it sort of in the mirror. I think jujitsu has been described to me as the same thing. Jujitsu, the sport. It's actually not fun while you're doing it particularly, but afterwards you just go, oh, fuck. I feel amazing.

Yoga's like that as well. I'm like that in the gym at the minute. I don't want to go to the gym. But you never regret a workout. That's what I've come to learn. You never finish never finish your workout and go i wish you didn't you could do though couldn't you yeah if you died or something but i haven't done that no but then you don't regret it well all right then i could have a stroke and be paralyzed oh shit there was a fire at home i did just drive off i've regret this workout yoga is the same after yoga even though it's hard you're like fuck, fuck, that was amazing. I feel good. Yeah, same here. When I go to yoga.

You'd love yoga. I've done it twice. Hot yoga? Mm. Gorgeous, isn't it? Sexy hot yoga. All yoga is hot yoga and Dan's there, being all sexy.

I'd take it. What can you take for your little naughty belly? What's it called? Well, the last time I fought with laxatives, it went very wrong, and I pooed my pants in a car park in Sheffield. Why are you taking laxatives? In a car park?

In a car park? You take laxatives at home? It literally says on a bottle, don't take this while you're out and about doing shopping. How fast do you think this is? Right, we're in a car park in Sheffield. There's no better place to take these laxatives. Oh God, they're not like...

I took them well before. Yeah, and then when I was out i had a gig what are you doing you're not i hadn't pooed in nine days you can't take laxatives i thought i was gonna die nine days you take them after your gig on your way home i'd already done that 24 hours before i thought i'd wake up in the night and flush it all out i thought i'd wake up in the morning i panicked i went to my granddad's he was like i've got some fucking laxatives for you and absolutely od'd on pensioner cosmonaut laxatives and on the way to sheffield i was like laura my tummy doesn't feel right i think i'm getting stomach cramps i must be hungry she was like it's not that is it dickhead and then we got to the car park and i tried to do a little fart and it wasn't hang on and she laughed so hard you're a fucking idiot

yeah so you you took standard laxatives they didn't work in the time from you expected so then so then in the afternoon of the next day before you had a show i had about eight like you took nuclear level laxatives? Yeah. And then trusted a fart in a car park? Yeah, but when you've not pooed for nine days, it's recency bias, isn't it? You're like, I'm never going to poo again. So I was like, this is just... Just cramps.

I was literally driving on the M1 down from Leeds. I like that. Oh, it was awful. So I don't really mess with, you know you know no but why don't you just take them ask the right time what is the right time do it at the end of the first section now and see what happens yeah you're not a doctor and take them when you've got like a free 24 hours yeah loads okay i'm always thinking yesterday you're on ross on c could have done it then what was take like stives and go to the beach?

It is Ross-on-Sea, isn't it? Ross-on-Sea. Oh, God. I'm not saying. Rose. Yeah, I went for a lovely little day out with my daughter yesterday. Last day of summer.

Hickories. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Everyone's like, where should we go for the beach in North Wales? Let's go to the one that's got a hickories 200 yards up a hill. Yeah, yeah. My new fucking little beach.

In the raw sun sea. I'm so excited for hickories on Sunday. I'm not eating now. I'm stopping eating until Sunday. Well, I texted me personal trainer and nutritionist yesterday. Oh, nice. And said, ladders of Ava go on the hickories website,

have a look at their platter for one and tell me what I've got to do this week to make it okay. And he drove round. I ate all of that. You just heard a screeching sound. It's basically 3,000 calories per person. It's just the whole day.

Yeah, so he said, don't eat anything that day. Have like a protein shake at lunchtime. Fucking half a farm. He said, I'm trying to take like 100 calories off every other day this week and you'll be fine.

Yes. But also don't weigh yourself Monday wait till Tuesday and you're not gonna drink no you're just gonna eat all the farmyard animals

at once and then yeah yeah okay cool you're food drunk aren't you football's back I'm just kidding

I'm there for the meat I'm there for the game and the meat who's playing the dolphins I don't know who's playing but I am interested it's the six o'clock kickoffs and then the nines and then the nines I'm there for the game and the meet. Who's playing? The Dolphins? I don't know who's playing, but I am interested.

It's the six o'clock kickoffs. And then the nines. And then the nines. Oh, the table's booked for... Yeah. Six. Yeah, it'd be great. I love the Chester Hickories. We're going to West Kerry.

West Kerry, that's on you. You won't be able to move now. Cars. That'll be it. We'll be mobbed. We'll be mobbed. Are the Beatles here? Who's saying that?

Circa 1964. Do you know, have you seen these people who are going to try and see Taylor Swift when she's having a buddy and that? Did you see the wedding they ruined? are you doing thing 1962 well they didn't have people mobbing them in 1964 shut up bitch 64 they were massive don't fucking you know do that i actually know the beatles um they ruined the wedding didn't they what when she went to her friend's wedding someone famous i can't remember who it was. And it was in her house.

And someone found out and then he basically formed a massive crowd outside and she had to leave the wedding. Who was this? Taylor Swift. She's basically too famous to live now. Yeah. And the Swifties want a bit of the action. But I don't know what the point of it is.

Like if I said to you, Taylor Swift is in Subway in subway in kenny i'd go but what are you going for just to see what she orders footlong i don't know have you seen what um swifties are doing they're trying to get bellingham to win the golden boy award yeah because uh balday the fullback said he doesn't like taylor swift songs so they're voting bellingham to win they're fixing football things now. Well, that's like K-pop, isn't it? They get militant, don't they?

It's just young people, isn't it? To go, I guess where I was. There. Look what I've got a picture of. A crowd near Taylor Swift. It's important. But I could just download their photo and slightly change the angle of it and go,

I was next to that person. Like, what do you mean? Right. You could? Yeah, you could. Yeah. photo and slightly change the angle of it and go i was next to that person like i mean right you could yeah you could yeah but you're not you don't give a shit they don't they care about being there they're not like oh mate my dad's got a photo i'm so excited to go and see you though we've got tickets to see it at anfield next year yeah you know i'm dressing up by the way what year are you going i'm going as a subway before or after huh do you think she'll go Kenny Subway before or after? Huh? Do you think she'll go Kenny Subway before or after?

By the way, I honestly think we're becoming like the Simpsons where we predict stuff sometimes. And I think it's entirely possible head or head entourage in Subway and Kenny because it's like

two miles away from the stadium. Yeah. If she's like, I just want some American food. Like, is there a Subway around here? And then they go and go, Taylor Swift. Oh my God go and go, Taylor Swift. Oh my God, I'm fucking Taylor Swift.

I need a fucking Subway. Subway. Get me one. But I'm on a Swifty TikTok now. Like, I get a lot of Taylor Swift-based TikToks sent to me algorithm. It's mad, isn't it? And her tour looks unbelievable. Yeah.

What are you going as though I don't know what you mean Cal so it's the Eda's tour you have to pick an Eda to go dress up oh yeah he's going he's already picked his Eda well I'm going as the lover

lover Eda I don't really get what that means I'm gonna I'm gonna have like heart sunglasses and fucking I'm gonna go as Weimar Republic Germany

you know after they paid the reparations there's a country Eda so you could go as like a country country five has could go as like a country country fide has she got a handsome 32 year old

who's in the shape of his life because he's been training for nine months yeah that's the last album with a cowboy hat on yeah that's the last album yeah I mean if I can wear my cowboy hat and not look stupid

I'm going as well you could wear your Luke Combs outfit of course she's got a country era order not in Anfield mate come on respect the fucking ground you cannot go dress like you're by curious cowboy not to anfield we all put up within nashville i'm tucking everything in i look great we were like live your life live your life live your life

listen a guy walked past and went whoa is he tugging that in that's a bold move which is basically Tennessee for like gay like I'm just saying yeah don't look gay

at Taylor Swift you'll really stand out I mean if it was anywhere else live your life not at Anfield mate come on no I'm doing what I want

no God don't do it don't go and you need your friendship bracelets as well to swap with people yeah oh my God no No, I'm doing what I want. No, God, don't do it. Don't go. And you need your friendship bracelets as well to swap with people. Yeah. Oh my God. No.

Mate, I'm going full Swifty, mate. You see how much it's making? Yeah, she's a billion. She's got two billion dollars this tour. Two point two billion. Yeah, but how much is she spending on subways though? That's really affecting the overheads. Did you see what she gave to her team?

So like the people who drive the trucks and all like the roadies and that. $100,000. She gave them all a complete Panini Premier League stable. You what? She gave them 50 mil. Each?

No, not each. Yeah. A pool of 50 million. Yeah, so it worked out about how much? 100 grand. Probably a lot of money for just a bonus.

I think it worked out 100 grand. Yeah. Just lovely, innit? Well done, her. I think it worked out 100 grand. Yeah. Just lovely, isn't it? Well done, eh? Yeah, but she's making 2.2 billion. Yeah, but she didn't have to do that. No. No, she doesn't.

And that's what... I'm fucking Taylor Swift. You haven't given 100 grand. You're doing well. Yeah, my tour is selling 2.2 billion tickets, but he's not doing anything for it. I'm fucking Taylor Swift. What?

Oh, my God. What's that gay cowboy doing? At Anfield? Dude. No, I will wear me out. I probably won't wear the boots. I wear more like understated boots than I wear me out.

I think you should wear your boots. No, wear those boots. Come on, you spent a grand on them. I didn't. They were only a couple of hundred quid. You idiot. What are they?

Yeah, they were like $ couple of hundred quid idiot what are they yeah they're like 190 dollars really yeah they look spenny mate in the mall because I know how to do that

this is what you think you think I spend loads of money what I do is I find bargains that is a level of bullshit

we will not accept on this podcast that will make that level of hypocrisy will make me poo right here. What a load of shit. You see it, you like it, you buy it.

I know for a fact that you've walked in this studio with bags and you're going, what have you got? And if I had to get, you couldn't be within 20 quid of the price. What have you got? I'll have that. You 100% have bought things in your life

without even checking the price recently. Come on. Only in a shop that I know it is, that they're in a certain window of price. Bargain hunting. Kiss my flat. It goes shop to shop to shop and then goes back to the first one with the cheapest.

I actually do do that. Yeah. You do do it? It's a receipt. Yeah, it keeps the receipt to be 18. Listen, Zara, can you match the price? I'm just saying you should. Zara do that. Yeah. Again, he gets a receipt. Yeah, he keeps the receipt to VAT and all that. Zara, can you match the price? I'm just saying you should.

Zara do their own stuff. What price are they matching? Very good point. Good point. Aldi placement. Oh, shut up. We went into the shop in the mall and these ladies went, hey y'all, you want booties?

And he picked the ones he wanted. He didn't go, I'll have them. They said what? Hey y'all, you want booties? Hey y'all, you want booties? I was very, very frugal. we talked you into getting them as well yeah okay okay hat was expensive though that was expensive that was expensive but you know it was for the content and it went on the company card you just don't know about it nice nice

you know it was the content of me getting the hat and it got stretched and it was all yeah it's a fucking good bit of content you can claim that back you can claim a cowboy hat back

which is sick famously need a receipt though so that's something we need to work on as a company innit but yeah I'd wear me cowboy hat

to the thing if she's got a country hat it's a hat a receipt well their first couple of albums were very country weren weren't they? Yeah.

Man's going as lover, though. What's lover? What songs? You're my, my, my... My favourite is not a lover. Lover. Cruel Summer's a banger, mate. Yeah, what era is it?

I don't... Do you mean what era is it? Yeah, but what years? I don't know what years they are. I'm not that much of a fucking Swifty, mate. You just like the bangers. 62. 62.

I've started just putting albums on in the car with songs I don't even know, just so I know them by the time it comes around and put a lot of effort into this concert. I just get in the car with Seneca and that's all that goes on. She's a massive Swiftie. I think she will die for this woman, yeah.

And she's going. You're going together? Yeah. Oh, nice. It's really nice. Is're going together? Yeah. Oh, nice. It's really nice. Is there a male equivalent of Taylor Swift at the minute? In terms of... Ludacris.

Yeah. It's Toss-Up. Oh, I forgot. Yeah. I mean, like, in terms of someone that... Harry Styles? All the... No, all the lads like.

I always thought that when I was a kid. Who are lads allowed to like? Because you can't like girl bands. It's footballers, isn't it? Because you can't like girl bands. It's footballers, isn't it? Because you can't like boy bands. No, you just like bands. Yeah. Lads are into bands.

Like boy bands, though? No. Not boy bands. Like Arctic Monkeys. Boy bands are for girls. But so are girl bands. Yeah, I know. What do we get?

Bands. We get the Arctic Monkeys. Steve Brookstein. Oasis and Blur. Yeah. You gotta roll with it. Stuff like that. Blur. Yeah. You gotta roll with it. Stuff like that. Blur.

Or rap. Or rappers, I suppose. Yeah, hippity hop. That's for us. I just think girls get more. What? I think girls get more. Women are so privileged,

you don't even recognise them. Yeah. Oh, don't have to go to the basement in the shop, do you? It's all in front of you. Yeah. Suffer a jet of that meat. Tell you what

the pricing he has to do he's always up and down them stairs the new Hugo Boss shop in town all the men's stuff is right in front of you the women's are upstairs

yeah climb the stairs you twat that's what the fellas have to do that's privilege mate oh we've got three floors you've got a corner over there

apparently when we go to Vegas it's going to be so expensive for us to get drinks and all the birds drink for free. Because they want the places full of women so that we'll pay extortionist ones

for our tables and drinks. And it's what, like eight to one in the city for a fight weekend. I would guess the amount of lads going in. We're not there for the chicks though. We're there for the fighting,

the booze and the gambling. I would like to look at something though across the table. Do you know what I mean? I'm not going to talk to them, but I am just there for the fighting, the booze and the gambling. I would like to look at something, though, across the table. Do you know what I mean? I'm not going to talk to them, but I am just liking me. I'm just like, how fit that one is. Like, you know, we do enjoy that, don't we? And you're doing polka dice, don't you?

Lad, car. Over there. Why don't you just go to a place where they've got attractive girls working there? The hired gun, is what they call it. Hooters. They're grim. Are they? They're a bit grim.

Even in Vegas? Surely they've got just every other cunt in there I hate that's always like one of my problems with them gaffs you're like

all these are fucking mefs don't talk to the fellas then no but I mean you're just there in a damn I'm too hoot this is a stuck up conversation with all the fellas

hello boys god I'm gonna kiss all of these guys you know what I mean though if you're in a place and you're like everyone here is a fucking idiot. Yeah, it's because it's like-

You are like, by association, I'm a gimp. We're going to the Rippers, mate. That'll be heavy in Vegas, that. Shit. Yeah. The strippers in Vegas

are going to be nasty. Pool parties, you know, in December. They're going to be good. Hyper-savvy on the way home. We're going to the strippers. Sick.

Mayweather will be there. We'll fucking get a baby with him. Is it pool parties? There is in Bill Pies that isn't a summer I don't know whether they continue into December undercover but we'll see we'll find out won't we

who's your links what are we like I've got a few guys who've been in touch with me oh nice the Vegas lids yeah

what someone offered me a time sharing in Fiji Dan Vegas he's not doing the podcast it's just knocked on his door hello sir I'm sending timeshares into Fiji

Fijian it's been a long time coming but here is Adam doing a Fiji hello I'm from Fiji I didn't say that this guy's from Fiji he's just selling the timeshares I don't know I didn't say that this guy's from Fiji. Where's he from? He's just selling the timeshares. I don't know. It was just funny.

I didn't ask him where he's from. Bradford. And I was, all right, bro. Hello there. You know what? My little timeshare in Fiji. Shut you up, bro.

I'm throwing a Ford Cortina. Wow. He's actually Spanish. He's, you know, he's Spanish Yorkshire. Wasn't there a Fijian golf player? Was there? who was it what that's another cartoon

time travelling lesbian the Fijian golf player they go to rugby the Fijians Vijay Singh I nearly said Vijay Singh in the back though Carl back yourself his nickname is the big Fijian wasn't Vijay Singh and I backed out. Carl back yourself. His nickname is the Big Fijian. Can we go back? Wasn't Vijay Singh Fijian?

His nickname's what? The Big Fijian. That does sound like you're talking about a woman with a rather large vulva doesn't it? What you doing? Who's coming out? Jeff. Ian. Right, it's the Big Fijian Jeff Ian Big Fijian spitting bars in the booze of me lad

Jeff Ian and the Big Fijian what were we saying I can't remember you're going to pool parties in Vegas yeah there's lids you can hook it up

with anything mate trust trust yeah what do you want put it out there now put it out there now I'm impressed Yeah, there's lids. You can hook it up with anything, mate. Trust. Trust. Yeah. What do you want? Put it out there now. Put it out there now.

I'm impressed. I guarantee. Oh, oh! I want someone to give my car a bit of love. It needs the... Gemstone detailers. There's already one. Is there? Shout out.

Well, if there's anyone else who wants to give me a price, because I've learned so much from Adam about looking after your money and being frugal I would like the alloys yeah like judged up are you going to get spinnies

oh I can see you with that you and your snakes with your spinning wheels there's a minute trigger there's a minute oh shit that's from only

fills and horses right yeah yeah I'd like that done and also maybe the hot the body work as well. You want a detailer? Do I?

Yeah. Can you give us a shout out somewhere in the Northwest? Gemstone Detailers? Give me a Carl Dealdis. They're literally based in Liverpool. I'm big fans. He's telling you about them. I know.

And then they'll give me a prize and then someone else will give me a better prize. Oh, he's playing along. I told you what I was doing. You're playing off favours. I'm just saying. I don't do that. No. Do you you what I was doing. You're playing off favours. I'm just saying. I don't do that. No.

It's bad. Do you know what? Fuck him. Do my car for free because I backed you. Wow. Wowza. I want it to look all shiny.

You're going to sell it? No, I just want it. You said you were finished after the tour. You're going to get yourself a new one? No, I'm going to keep it. Because it's great. I like the car. It's just starting to look a bit like

battered up. Get yourself a new one. Please. I don't. I want. Because it's great. I like the car. It's just starting to look a bit, like, battered up. Get yourself a new one. Please. I don't... I want to pay my mortgage off. I don't want to need a new car. You bought four new cars last year. I know.

And that slowed me down paying the mortgage off. I want it shiny. So just come and give me some love. I'm thinking, as a reward for the end of my tour, that I might get myself a motorbike. What are you on about? We need a permanent guest host. Oh dear. Adam's killed himself in the Isle of Wight.

I think a proper... You would kill yourself at the end of the road. That is... Come on. What are you talking about? You're not... No. It's like riding a bike, literally, but it's motorised. Yeah, it's just like riding a bike. It is. Because you're on a bicycle, you're doing 95 no it's like riding a bike literally but it's motorized yeah it's just like riding a bike you know when you because you're on a bicycle you're doing 95 miles an hour you've already got the practice haven't you people don't just die on motorbikes do they when was the last time you

heard of a motorcyclist being killed what when was the last time you heard of a motorcyclist being killed yeah that it's the most dangerous form of transport. No, it isn't. It isn't. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. That's trying to fly your own helicopter. Oh, yeah, apart from... Walking. ...peermaking and travelling their own... Like, no, don't.

Please, God, no. Are you joking? No. Oh, no. Are you getting a dog and a motorbike? Oh, no. Yeah, a sidecar for me, dog. Oh, we're going to die.

Don't get a motorbike. That'd be safer, though, with a sidecar. Yeah. And it'd look cooler. It would, yeah. You can come in here. I mean, you can go off gallivanting. The eras.

The Wallace and Gromit era. Don't get a motorbike. Why? What kind of motorbike do you want? A Harley? At least a 1200cc. I think they're safer because you're behind the handlebars, so if you do fall, you're just going to hit the handlebars

rather than the other ones. You're above the handlebars. You go, fuck off. Them spongy handlebars yeah that's how motorbike crashes work innit I was low down

so I stayed on that car's on fire but I'm low down I would love to see people seeing you at the lights on a Harley when you're on your phone no helmet on

you can get them protective suits can't you so you don't like scrape your elbow and that when you come off your phone no helmet on you can get them protective suits can't you so you don't like scrape your elbow and that when you come off oh you need them leather sure

I've got loads of leather jackets as well bargain again nice you know I'll put you there fucking Zara brown leather protected helmet not wearing it

me hair handlebars nice and high I'm invincible do you know if you come like the leather hair. Handlebars, nice and high. I'm invincible. Do you know if you come, like, the leather keeps your body together if you come off. Yeah, if you come. What? Oh, sorry. If you come off the bike,

the leather essentially acts as another skin and keeps your body from just breaking apart. Yeah, unless you hit something hard and then leather can do so much. It's going to be fine. I don't know why you're assuming I'm going to crash. Like, why can't I just drive my fucking motorbike? Where are you going to be fine. I don't know why you're assuming I'm going to crash. Like, why can't I just drive my fucking motorbike? Where are you going to drive it? Just go on some day trips

up to the lakes in Wales, isn't it? Yeah, on those windy, fast roads. Good, good, good, good. Who are you going with? Me own. It's a motorbike. You've usually gone on one seat. Like a crew, don't you? What? You're like a multi-crew. You can get a biatch on the back.

Yeah, but I don't want to be trusted by someone else's safety at all. They're dangerous enough with me, aren't they? It's not dangerous. That's the safest form of transport on the road. Apart from headbutting lorries. That's dangerous. I'll give you that. Get a bus, actually.

I do want a tour bus for the next tour, but for now, I just want a motorbike. I want to live my life a bit. I feel like I'm playing it too safe lately, so live on the edge a bit. Put a bit of danger in. It might zhuzh me up. Zhuzh you up?

Yeah, you need zhuzh me up. Do you look at yourself recently and go, I need a zhuzh? Yeah. Right, okay, cool. It's all just a bit boring, isn't it? Same old, same old. But you're going to have to get a fucking 125cc

and have a learner plate on it. I can't see you doing that bit. Why? I just... It's only a day, isn't it? They just look like gimps. You can pass it in a day. You look like a Deliveroo driver.

I fucking won't. I'm not getting on a fucking bicycle or a scooter. I'm getting your Harley Davidson. Right. Any Harley Davidson people can hook us up. What bike is that? It's're Harley Davidson. Right. Any Harley Davidson people can hook us up. What bike is that? It's a Harley Davidson. I'm just done.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think you should all be a mental. Right, cool. If we could get a bike dealer. Are you telling me you've never thought about this? What? Getting a motorbike. Just think I'd come off it and die.

Back yourself, you know. Also, you could just land and run it off. Yeah. If you fall off. Tuck and roll. Yeah. I used to jump off the extension when I got grounded. Exactly.

In his leather jacket. Safe as ours was made. No, the pod's got a year left. So let's make the most of it. Someone's going to open a car door and be like, fuck, I know that hurt. I was low.

I don't get it. That's what freaks me out about motorbikes. That you are not protected when, it's not even if you fuck up, if some dickhead just does something stupid. Like, he's on their phone and you're sat there and they just take you out.

I don't like that you can't do that thing though where you're just riding through traffic that's sick that is well that's one of the big advantages

no comedian with a motorbike is ever late for gigs yeah because they just get and they're never dead are they Rob Rouse has never died on the way to a gig

no it's famous he's famously still alive it's one of the things he's known for well known for it Craig Campbell we should all get one special we'll all go to like Vietnam on a bike oh good yes Things he's known for. Well known for it. Craig Campbell. We should all get one.

Special. We'll all go to like Vietnam on a bike. Oh, good. Yes. Let's go somewhere with less safe roads. What are we doing? Why? Top gear, did we?

The motorbike special. Yeah. We all get like our own bikes and mod them up and that and fly around the world. Tell you right now, I'm picking the safest looking con and I'm getting a sidecar. I'll be there.

You're not getting on my bike. You're not. In my lunchbox. Speaking of lunchboxes, I could do a sidecar. I'll be there. You're not getting on my bike. You're not. With my lunchbox. Speaking of lunchboxes, I could do with some lunch. Are you ready? Mm. Let's do it.

Hook us up. I want my car looking all shiny. Fuck him. He's trying to play us off. I just want a Harley for the really reasonable 300 quid. DM me. Welcome back to part 2 of 4

we've already recorded parts 3 and 4 with this week's episode she's very good, she's brilliant Gabby Brighton, yeah, her dad's Bon Jovi we didn't know her dad is not Bon Jovi, her dad's in Bon Jovi her dad's in Bon Jovi Bon Jovi's the band, Jon Bon Jovi's the head guy

no he's in Bon Jovi he's the keyboardist, he controls him we didn't know that so we didn't ask her about that also she's won an Emmy, we didn he? No, he's in Bon Jovi. He's the keyboardist. He controls him. In Bon Jovi, yeah. We didn't know that, so we didn't ask her about that. Also, she's won an Emmy. We didn't know that, so we didn't ask her about that.

But, you know, we talked to some Scouse words and you'll enjoy it, so wait for that. That's the same, isn't it? Lids in the Northeast. I'm playing in South Shields at the Customs House on Friday the 15th of September.

This week, Saturday the 16th is Middlesbrough and Sunday the 17th is Leeds. I've got about 30 odd tickets for each of those shows.

It will be lovely to sell those bad boys out. DanNightingale.com The tour is really flying. It's great. I'm just going to quickly have a little look

at my tour schedule because I know my first show of the tour is sold out in Carlisle on the 5th of October. However, 6th of October Leicesterester, still some tickets left,

as there are in Crewe on the 7th. Wednesday, the 11th in Leeds is sold out. Very, very limited left in St Helens. Harrogate Theatre is selling really well, but there is a few left there. Scunthorpe, I can't remember. Nottingham is getting close to what's sold out. Southport is very nearly sold out. Blackburn is, I think, sold out.

Newcastle and Glasgow have about 20%. I think Glasgow, we actually opened the top tier in the end, so there's a few tickets left for that now. Newcastle's got a chunk left, but it's a big old room, and I'm very excited by even what we've already sold. Bristol, halfway. Loughborough, halfway. Malvern, halfway.

And that takes us up to the end of October. The first weekend in November is London. Two of the shows are sold out. There's three other shows with tickets. Last date on my tour is Wednesday the 22nd in Liverpool at the Philharmonic. There's about 200 tickets to go. And I've sold out the biggest show of my career.

So, appreciate you. Finn is doing the prep because I'm on tour, mate. I'm so creative now. Head's not in the game, is it? Well, I tell you what, watching Shane Gillis last night got my head back in the game a little bit. I have been just doing this show, literally just thinking about the show. The previews were amazing.

Then I started tinkering and then we've had the first four shows. Chester, both Chesters were so good. It made me go, oh, I know it's not always going to be that good. Grimsby was loads of fun, but sweaty as fuck. And then Lincoln was not as Lincoln as I thought it'd be. I thought they were quite lively, but it's made me go, I can breathe a bit. The show's going great and I know I can do it and it will get better as i go so i actually watched shane gillis last night with laura and got to watch it without fucking ferreting around my head you know when you're working on something it's hard to go i stopped thinking about that it was

great to watch it i had a great day yesterday topped off by shane gillis go and watch beautiful dogs on netflix it's very fucking good it's's really good. I think it's as good. If not, I think it's probably a bit better than his first one. And that was... No? I'm not there. But maybe I've just... I don't know.

That might be one of my all-time favourites, Austin. But I laughed, like barely laughed, to the point of having to pause and rewind like three or four times last night. That's a pretty good sign. The bit about coming on a girl's face and the analogy uses after that really fucking got me yeah and i was sat next to my missus trying my best not to cry laughing at what i just it's so funny uncle danny is just we just re-watched. It's so funny. And it's 52 minutes, which made me feel better

because my special last year was 52 minutes or this year from last year's tour. Just don't mind that. I think 50, if you just go, this is the best stuff.

I know when Chris DiStefano did it, it was more like 35. That does feel fucking, that feels almost too quick. But again, it's just quality over quantity in it. Go and watch our boy Shane Gillis because he wanted a best.

It's so good. Right. We've got some questions. What? I know. Mental, isn't it? This one, this first one's from Fred Adams.

He says, a twist on the death row question. If you got to choose one last film to watch, a game to play, and a song to listen to, maybe with one last choice of drink to enjoy them with, what would you choose? The game is hide and seek,

and I'd get my passport out and fuck right off. And see if I could make that last for about 35 years. Or the drinks are bored and pass. If it's a film, if there's like a trilogy, do I get to watch them all or is it just the film? No, one film.

Right, okay. Trying to make it last, you know what I mean? We kind of did this recently in a different way. I think you were dead or something. Oh, right, I was dead. I picked Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Yeah? Because it's long, you can dip in and out of it and it's good. And what dip in and out of it, and it's good. And what about game? What games are you going for? Am I on Death Row?

Yeah. Well, film I'm going with The Green Mile. You know? A bit on the nose. You'd be able to see him. Bit of a busman, isn't it? He'd be able to see himself in the character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of a busman.

He really would. Yeah. Are you John Coffey? I'm Wild Bill. But I haven't done what he did. It'd be amazing if I was, yeah, I'm John Coffey? I'm Wild Bill But I haven't done what he did It'd be amazing if I was Yeah I'm John Coffey Yeah I'm an angel

Game As in like Yeah FIFA PC game Whatever you feel Halo 3 Nice

But it's got the old Online servers back up Dan you're playing I'm just playing FIFA It's all I play Does it have to be a video game it's some sort of

yeah I've just I've taken it as console game but if you want to go for like Kaplunk or something I want to go for Monopoly I'm playing Monopoly

with all the guards yeah you're going to take my life well I'm taking Park Lane you fucking prick think it'll still feel good yeah you owe me money

well I'm going to kill you in about 25 minutes well Monopoly takes ages doesn't it like days sometimes it might be a stay of execution yeah you owe me money well I'm gonna kill you in about 25 minutes well one all Monopoly takes ages I've done it like days sometimes

it might be a stay of execution because the game's not done yeah just keep flipping the board over yeah nah I've lost it yeah chess

cock can it be a sex game because then you have to get women in sex game yeah what sex game hide the sausage hide the sausage fuck the pussy women love women love that game because then you have to get women in. Sex game? Yeah. What sex game? Hide the Sausage. Hide the Sausage.

Fuck the Pussy. Women love that game. Hide the Sausage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically put your penis in a hole and see what it goes. Yeah. Same way it goes.

Can we play Hide the Sausage, Carl? That's what she says. Right, okay. And what's the song to listen to? Yeah. November Rain. It's about nine minutes long, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Why do you want it long, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

Why do you want it to be long, Will? 1997, that was put on the music video stations a lot. I can't remember which one. Chris Stapleton's Tennessee Whiskey. Everyone loves that song. All the guys. He's got better songs than that as well. You just don't open your mind.

Long head, tall bottle. Never broken my arse. Long head, cold beer. Shoot me. That one. I'd listen to that one. Lucas Combs. That's on my pre-show playlist.

Lucas Combs. The one that doesn't have one's head in. Takes a long beer no that's never diet go for right the things we individually do not have a sense of humor about the nfl ufc luke combs i have kind of you just look i'm enjoying it you are singing it wrong dying to do this but i but i feel like you're trying to sing it right aren't you dying to do this but I feel like you're trying to sing it right

aren't you I'll try and sing it right long head no long head neck long neck cold

ice ice cold long neck ice cold he's had a stroke long neck ice cold beer

never broke my fuck my mum oh nearly Ben ever fucked my mum didn't she liked a martini mine like a vodka bit fucker though in the end Beer never broke my mum. Oh, nearly. Beer never fucked my mum. Didn't. She liked a martini.

Mine like a vodka. They'd fuck about in the end. Didn't drink. Yeah. Yeah. Metaphorically. Halo 3, Chris Stapleton, Tennessee, Whiskey. What was the one?

Film. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Bosh. Adam. Halo 3. Ah, you've got him. The Lion King. Yeah.

Wagon Wheel. Yeah. And Monopoly. I don't know why I got the giggles then. I don't know why. Stupid. It was the least funny thing that happened, but I was like, I'm going to go. What's yours, Dan?

Some combination of all the things I've already said. Okay, cool. Right, the next one. I have porn. Getting in my DMs telling me not to watch porn. You freaky Christian. Back off.

Why? Christian Benteke messes them up. Christian Benteke. He's like, mate, I held the ball up well. Stop watching porn. Some fucking god-bothering cunt's been DMing you.

Yeah. Like a crazy. Dan, Dan, Dan. I think it was a Partridge reference. I hope it was. Otherwise, he's already dead. This guy killed himself. Right, this next one's kind of related.

This is from Tilly Mint. Hi, Lids. If you saw one of the others being arrested and put in the back of a police car and you didn't know why, what would you think they had done? Shagging kids. For the audio listeners?

Pointing at Dan. Shagging kids in the the audio listeners, pointing at Dan. Shagging kids in the bum. Again, Dan. Finn, you would be possession of too much pot. Or like, sitting somewhere with a guitar or something because he pissed you off.

No, definitely. He hasn't got that in him. He's a fucking maggot. Plus he can't afford to replace the guitar. No, I'm not having that. He'd be like, this is the good one. He hasn't got that in him. He's a fucking maggot. Plus he can't afford to replace the guitar. No, I'm not having that. He'd be like, this is the good one. He's part possession, 100%. You, I think, is an act of violence

against someone who's wronged you. 100%. Like putting a brick through someone's window. But they wronged you like 16 years ago. I already know. They were on the next road, spat at my car about 10 months ago. And I've got plans.

Just let me tell you that. They involve big beans. Carl, are you on the next road, spat at my car about 10 months ago. And I've got plans. Just let me tell you that. Ooh. They involve baked beans. Carl, are you ruining the plans? You've played Possum for so long and now you mention it on one of the biggest podcasts in the country. He doesn't know where I am

and he doesn't know where he lives. He doesn't know that I know where he lives. He doesn't know where he lives. This plan is flawless. He doesn't know where I am. He doesn't know where he lives. It's a man with Parkinson's disease and he's got dementia,

which is a different thing. Was he spitting or did he just dribble? No, he spat at me. Oh, okay. I'm starting to worry he's not in control. He's got flowers in his front garden and I plan to put beans all over them because that's the one thing you don't want on your flowers.

You're a bad motherfucker. I'm just going to open a tin of beans and walk along and just pour them all over. That's the plan. I haven't done it yet. Yeah. But if you're listening. Ten months, that's the plan. He's taken ten months to come up with that. and walk along and just pour them all over. That's the plan. I haven't done it yet. Yeah. But if you're listening. Ten months.

That's the plan. He's taken ten months to come up with that. No, I thought. But you don't. Revenge is a diff. Revenge is a biff. Served stinky. Revenge is a dish best served cold, Dan.

And these beans are going to be cold. Oh! Yeah, little bitch. Spit at me. I'll fucking bat at your wife as well. I won't do that. Go on. In the plane from Anunized. Oh! Yeah, little bitch. Spit at me. I'll fucking bat at your wife as well. Go on. In the plane from Anunized.

Anthony Greenwood. Both of them. Anthony Greenwood. Adams would be... I think yours would be Road Rage. Fraud. I don't do any fraud. Parking-based fraud. Parking-based fraud.

I don't know. You love a bribe. Bribery. That's who it is. Who was that, by the way? Because it wasn't me. Definitely not. It wasn't.

It's usually me, but it's not me. Thanks, guys. I think it was your macho, wasn't it, Steve? Is it be road rage? He'd, like, end up crashing. You can't get put in the back of a van for road rage. Oh, you shouted at that man who can't fucking drive. put in the back of a van for road rage oh you shouted at that man

who can't fucking drive get in the car he's on your team by the way that's all he did not bad what about if you shot him afterwards

I haven't got a gun oh right okay in my head you're gonna crash into someone is that why you don't drive you don't drive

with a gun for that reason smart if I had a gun I would have used it by now oh I'd have sellotaped it

to the fucking car yeah yeah 100% Dan yours would be I think yours would be some kind of smart if I had a gun I would have used it by now oh I'd have sellotaped into the fucking car yeah yeah 100% Dan yours would be I think yours would be some kind of like fraud larceny

really some VAT fraud I'm a bit of a pussy with that sort of stuff gives me the fear so I don't I don't mess with it um

bigamy yours would be trying to import snakes that are banned yeah breeding illegal snakes illegal corn snakes big snakes I think I want more wives Yeah, Bigamy Oh yeah, you never pay full price for a snake

I pay cost I get them from South America I love those deliveries There's an island in South America that is entirely populated by snakes It's called the Island of Snakes Dan's been There's an island in South America that is entirely populated by snakes. It's called the Island of Snakes. Dan's been. Dan went on his honeymoon.

Yeah, we're going to Seychelles, Laura. Oh, what's this? Snakeshells, my. That's what he said. And I was like, what? Where's the joke there? Shut up. He's saying it in his head I'm gonna buy a snake

we should get a snake I mean now we've got dogs we'd have to make sure we close the tank but we should get a snake for the studio

you can't be keeping dogs in a tank just because there's a snake around my mouth can we get a snake Dan? I'll keep the tank clean well he's thinking about getting more dogs you've got a dog now will's got a dog and jack's got a dog so i don't know if i like maybe more

dogs just don't let the snake as a company what recently what we've come up with as a policy is more dogs i don't know if any other creature involved, because when you came round to mine, Wallace was like, oh, new garden. Oh, kids to play with. And then I was like, you could see him go, what the fuck is that little thing? You.

And was all around the guinea pig, like, Yeah, because he's a beast. He was ready to kill. And you were like, no, no, we'll be fine. He was ready to murder one of them fat little fuckers. Yeah. But we can get a snake and keep it in a tank. Right. A little corn fella.

A little python. Oh, no. We're not getting a little, yeah. We'll get a proper one, innit? Keep it in the studio. Keep it in studio too. Get a cobra. Cobra? A cobra. What's a bad snake? A rattlesnake. Steve Austin I just

honestly I'm realising now for all of the jokes I don't know snakes that well cobra rattlesnake python

oh yeah acting dull are you pymees pymees an anaconda anaconda nice

what do you call a snake that you win in a competition an anaconda a raffle snake I don't like Anaconda. Anaconda. Nice. What do you call a snake that you win in a competition? Anaconda. A raffle snake. That's not my time. Well, that's the end of that section. Can't follow that. Right, we've got a would you rather.

Oh, have we? We haven't got a jingle for would you rather. By the way, Harry really loved me. Raffle snake. Harry's gone. By the way, he's completely gone. Raffle snake's fine. I don't get anywhere

near the credits I deserve in life all on this podcast sorry let's do it again another take another take I don't know snakes that well what do you call a snake

that you win in a raffle a competition a competition snake well done Adam fucking hell buy them tickets we need a jingle for Would You Rather. No, we don't, because we don't use them anymore.

Yeah, but it's funny, isn't it? Right, okay. Adam, go on. You got two options. Option A and option B. What's it gonna be, pussy? Yep. Yeah, perfect.

Charlie, I'll make that one. That's the one. This is from Peter Brindle. Would you rather be always horizontal or always vertical? For me, it's horizontal is the best things always happen there. No, he's talking absolute shit. What's he talking about? How do you walk?

Always horizontal. You just mean sleeping and shagging. Yeah, he's going, hey, I shag my missus all the time. How do I write dilettante out of a word without fucking just saying that? I like being horizontal. Do you want to be vertical? Ah, you fucking gimp.

You don't have any sex. You can do both of those things vertical. Sleeping? Yeah. Vertically? You would eventually. If you're tired enough.

You just lean, don't you? Yeah. You'd learn to do it. You can get sucked off, stood up. Fuck. Fuck.

Well done, So what can you do stood up that you can't do laid down? Go to KFC and I have a fucking wicked zinger tower meal you could but we'd have to have you on like a bed a trolley and how am I going to swallow this thing

have you ever tried to swallow a wicked zinger tower meal lay down it's not possible. Sometimes your reasoning is undefeatable and this is another one of them. If you've ever gone into a cave city, ordered a Zingertower burger and then lay down to eat it.

You can't go on Aldi. What do you mean? How do you get through the security barriers if you're on your back? They'll tell you to stand up and you won't be able to. Scam me there, lad. What do you do there? How do you get on a back they'll tell you to stand up and you won't be able to scam me there lad what you do there how'd you get on the plane where'd you business class

oh yeah yeah how'd you get on the plane spenny not what do you do once you're on the plane how do you get up the stairs fireman's lift

what fireman's lift yeah it just seems like a much more complicated life I'll stand up thank you very much stand up

you can do everything everything sweet can't do lie down comedy. It's not a thing. It must have been at some point. Someone's done that joke, surely. Someone must have tried it.

Why? I don't know. Edinburgh Festival. Yeah. I haven't got actual jokes or a show. I'll tell you what I'll do. Lie down. Right. We've got some underrated overrated

press the button oh yeah we fucking have overrated very dangerous so we've got a round the facial hair edition so the standard moustache. On a lady? Go on, sorry.

Do both. All right. It's coming back. Overrated or underrated? Are you going to be tall? The moustache now is coming back, isn't it? Definitely coming back. But I, yeah.

My moustache isn't thick enough for me to go just muzzy. Yours probably is now. Probably is, you know. No, I feel like from like the depth of mine isn't as, you've got a deeper muzzy than me. The gap between your lips and your nose is cavernous. Whereas mine's like, do you know what I mean? Like you couldn't get away with a muzzy.

Oh, that's pathetic. That's pathetic. And I think. Oh, he's got thick couldn't get away with a muzzy no no it's pathetic it's pathetic and I think oh he's got thick I'm closer to your muzzy than I am to Carl's but am I tall enough for just a muzzy

I think you could do it you know do you reckon yeah I'd love I know you would I'd love to have just a muzzy and I'd also love

to see you with just a muzzy you should have just a muzzy the muzzy special that could be confusing we're going to see my with just a muzzy. You should have just a muzzy. The muzzy special? That could be confusing. We're going to see my family, are we? Oh, there you go.

He's allowed his Turkish guys. Handlebar moustache. With a Hulk Hogan. Very select breed of mental lad can pull that off. Like, you have to be pretty... You have to be a wrestler. Bit of a character. I might go for this muzzy thing. I'm thinking about it now. I reckon you rock just the muzzy, you have to be pretty. You have to be a wrestler. Bit of a character. I might go for this Muzzy thing, you know.

I'm thinking about it now. I reckon you rock just the Muzzy, you know. You can use a manscaped beard trimmer. What a piece of kit. Movember's your chance, isn't it? There's got to be a depth to it.

Movember, mate? He's underestimated his own depth here, lads. Yeah, Movember, you can try it and then if you look like a tit, it's just for charity. I would instantly become Italian.

Yeah, I could do it for November couldn't I and see if I like it are you on tour in November yeah doesn't matter does it it's my opening joke hey look at me face charity never ends

Finn it doesn't you're right or start a goatee that looked like a big tit

I'm going back to goatee eventually I like it I liked it as long as back to goatee eventually. I like it. I liked it. As long as you never shave your face fully again, I'll be fine with that. That was bad, innit? That was bad. Fat little baby.

It just didn't look like you. Oh, no. I don't think anyone here that's got facial hair looks great without facial hair. You're not that bad. I don't think I've seen you without facial hair since like 2000 and fucking 11. I'm so damn that bad. I don't think I've seen you without facial hair since like 2000 and fucking 11.

Amsterdam Goaty down was heavy. He was a madman. I wouldn't have fucked with him. Yeah, he was scary. You looked hard. Yeah. What, the Albanian

pill dealer? In that Roma jacket. Yeah. Looked like a fucking Roma ultra. He'd have got so much pussy with that. I'll tell you what,

if we ever go back to Amsterdam, it's coming back. I think we are going to go back to Amsterdam, aren't we? Right next one russian that's what i was referring to i was making sure they knew because some of our listeners are stupid i disagree carl but i love you i love them all right you were joking again yeah i get you any questions russian mma bottom beard with no moustache oh the tuft oh no no like the chin strap

it's called the chin strap oh yeah but my man has to have it because he's chinless Hamzat Hamzat yeah it's unbelievable

it just fucking slopes into nothing yeah but he could also just have a full beard couldn't he yeah he doesn't have to have that he just has to have

something here like it does look stupid is he Dagestani or is he Swedish have to have that. He just has to have something here. It does look stupid. Is he Dagestani? Or is he Swedish? Is he Kazakhstan? He's Swedish. I'm not hearing you right. Trying to make up a

stand. He doesn't look like it, but he's Swedish. He's from Sweden, but I'm going tomorrow. He's from Sweden. He is. Yep. The last one. A Barry Sweden but I'm going tomorrow. He's from Sweden. He is. Cool. Yep. The last one.

A Barry Dodds soul patch. Underrated or overrated? I just love my Barry Bear. They genuinely look like they've got lizards. Not snakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But lizards.

They all look like they've got like a gecko or two just on their person. In the pocket. Got a gecko in the pocket and a soul patch on his feet. Barry's got lizard written all over him. Right. Freddie a gecko in the pocket and a soul patch on his feet. Barry's got lizard written all over him.

Right, Freddie says, get in post or packages, feel like a child at Christmas when I get a parcel, think it's underrated. Speaking of Freddie, Freddie is

still in intensive care. Is he, might be dead, we'll let me know. No, I spoke to him last night. No, I messaged him as well.

He was dead last, wasn't dead last night. No, that's true. He's got Legionnaire's disease. Isn't that where the old people go That's true. He's got Legionnaire's disease. Isn't that where the old people go to the club? So he's had pneumonia

that is now Legionnaire's disease. Yeah, his official diagnosis is Legionnaire's disease. And he looks like an astronaut from 1955. Yeah.

Buzz heavy gear. Isn't Legionnaire's disease, because in my head, do you know the Legion? Yeah. That's where all the old people go.

That's all I think of. What is it? You just go there loads and get racist. that's all i think of what is it you just go there loads a fatal form of pneumonia oh shit but everyone's susceptible to it it's a you're more likely to get if you're over 45 a heavy drinker or a smoker but you can get it like if there's an infection in the water in like a flat that you're staying in you You don't have to drink the water. If you get a shower, you'll get it, which is what he did. He got a shower in a flat. I won't say where it is and I'll tell you why later,

where he was put up for a gig and he's caught Legionnaires disease. Did he pay him? Oh my God. So it's not COVID? No. Did they think, did someone, someone told me, he thought it was COVID because he was COVID positive,

but that could have been either a false positive or he could have had that as well. He might have been lifting Yen Code. Who's put Legionnaires in the water? Is that what it is? It might have been still just little dudes with flat caps going, Bunch of mild.

I'm in the Legion. Right, well... He texted little dudes with flat caps going, behind your mild. I'm in the Legion. Right, well. He texted me yesterday and he was like, do you want me to make your health anxiety worse forever? And I was like, go on. And he told me what's going on. And it's made it so much better. Because I'm like, if he can survive that,

I could get cancerous AIDS and I'll be all right. Yeah. Who was your one for COVID though? Freddie. If Freddie gets it and beat it every time Freddie survives something he's your canary tells me with confidence

he's your canary in the mind whenever Freddie's alive you're like I'll be fine yeah feel better Freddie hopefully by the time this goes out

you're alright I had seen so many piss take things of him in the breathing mask that I was like ah yeah Freddie's fine and then just I got back off tour and went oh yeah he's my friend i've got to check on him i like because freddie's such a piss taker and he's the first one to do the most brutal joke that you you forget to do the human thing of going are you all right yeah so i just went i hope you

know i've been there texting him if he's all right, seeing if he needs anything. But he's basically been sold by a doctor. It could be a week, two weeks, or a year before he's physically capable of doing 20 minutes on stage again. He's got no idea. Because it's fucked as long. Dead men fucking sat there doing nothing more like that. I think he'd be lying down everywhere. Freddy, new angle.

Lying down comedy in a garden, in a tent, on your head. Right, we've got a couple of bits of advice. Are we in the mood for some advice? The advice was getting postal packages, but I felt like we were... Well, no, it is nice, but it's been ruined by the delivery service of Amazon, all the DPD stuff.

It used to be special, and now it's like, oh, yeah, we've just... You weren't in, so can you go to the dep and now it's like oh yeah we've just you weren't in so can you go to the depot now in these specific hours and it's a ball lake and it just it's not as fun post is scary are you getting post it's always bad news no like present no he said post on packages so no like so like a like a what is great not just a fucking letter like but a handwritten letter again i know what you mean yeah

if it says DVR on the back I'm trying to kill myself right but more like the parcels you think oh it's going to be a gift yeah DVR and something like mugs with like

you've got a parcel or whatever I don't know yeah fuck just hate going to the fucking depot right yeah couple of bits of advice are we doing the jingle

yeah we will we're good thanks for looking at me swedish no yeah yeah first bit of advice we got is from tomm Yes, lids, just use my first name, please. Basically, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend or more she broke up with me about a month ago. And in the past week,

I've jumped back on Tinder and Bumble and that. Problem is, I've now started to get messages off her mates that it's out of order that I'm on dating apps so soon after we've broken up. And apparently she's pissed off about it. Am I doing the wrong thing here to try and jump back into dating? One shit, that is the

biggest load of bollocks in the world as soon as you're free you're free she doesn't hold any keys to any shackles anymore sunshine she broke up with him she broke up with you you should already shag two of her mates by now are they booty calling or whinging they're whinging booty calling the day you give a fuck about what your ex-girlfriend's mates are messaging you. Damn, you in too deep. Yeah. No.

She's obviously not going to be, like, thrilled with the idea because she'll be getting the regret by now. You know, she'll be sat on the couch at home stroking her cat and then no one to stroke her cat. You know what I mean? She'll be like, oh, I miss that.

I wonder what he's up to. And then she's seen... Also, to see that you're on a nap she must have been on a nap yeah she's someone's been on she's taken pole as well in a month i mean i'm all for be like just because you split up doesn't mean you just have to cunt your ex off there's a there's you can be respectful and still be like, no, that infringes on my, I'm single, jog on. She doesn't get to tell you how you are. Now, it would be different if you were trying to crack onto her mates.

That's a bit different. Drag her mates. Yeah. One of them will be up for it. They will? One of them that's whinging like, I can't believe you're on these dating apps. One of them will have figured themselves

off to the thought of it for decades. Yeah, decades. How ever long have you been? So when you're playing Jenga and you push one of the things and it's going, ooh, there's one of them. Push them all.

Ooh. Yeah. Are they? So no, you're making your pull a Jenga piece on there. Yeah, yeah. But yeah,

you've got nothing to worry about here, lad. That is water off a duck's bum hole. Don't even fucking give a shite about that. lad that is water off a duck's bum hole don't even fucking give a shite about that is that what that saying means near enough

right no no no that's water on a duck's bum hole no hang on hang on let's get into it water can't just seep into a duck's bum hole otherwise all ducks would sink so actually spot on but what's water off a duck's back going to do with it well they've got like an oily feather on there what they're saying oh it should be water off his back ducks would sink. So actually, spot on. But what's water over ducks' back going to do with it?

Well, they've got like an oily feather on it. What they're saying. Oh, it should be water off his back. Water off his ducks' bumhole, yeah.

I hate to get it. He just made it more fun with bumhole. But I think it stands. I don't think they're, you know, sponge-like.

You've properly AR'd me there. You've got the lines and everything. And look at that. Fucking eight yards on side. Eight yards with the lines.

Get them on. Oh, he still opening it? eight yards but they still flagged it the lines were like I'm a picture bear you're the linesman I don't know why you're doing that

I'm on side talk about yourself you right this next one's from Davey hi lids might need some advice here so for years my missus complains

when I go for a shit or even fart in the house says it's disgusting and makes her feel sick didn't realize how serious this was till the other night when she was taking a shit herself and made herself sick at the thought of it the sound of her being sick woke me up and when i asked if she was all right she sheepish sheepishly said yes told me if i was uh told me it was because she was pooing woman can't even do a simple shit without being sick. Can you give me advice on how to deal with this

or does she need to give her head a shake? Have you ever pooed when you're pooing? It's like a weird... I'm only going to hang over, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like you're going, listen, this is bad now, but it's definitely going to help in about 20 minutes.

Has your poo ever made you sick? What? No, that's like a mental... She's scared of poo. She's got like poo phobia. Hasn't she? That's what it is. But her own poo though?

Any poo bad looks of her. Here's the thing. Look, listen love. Yeah? We all poo. Yeah? Every now and then, we all need a poo.

I understand the fart. Anytime soon it'd be great. He should be doing whatever he can to go elsewhere and do a fart away Anytime soon would be great. He should be doing whatever he can to go elsewhere and do a fart away from you to be respectful. But you can't moan about him pooing as long as it's in the toilet. Correct. Do you see the video of the mum whose kid uses the toilet for the first time?

And I think it's like whatever security camera picks it up. And she goes and she's like, oh, honey, well done. Oh, you did so well. Because you've got to encourage that first poo and then start going, because she's got the same thing. The mum's like freaked out by all poo. So she's going, no, I'm not.

You're doing really well. What's he lost to that? What's happened to them? Go on. It's not going to be funny. But you know, do you ever just have like your brain just does a joke for you? And I don't even think it's possible for me to explain it. But you said the video where the girl uses a soda for the first time.

And then my brain immediately went to, have you seen those videos where it's like deaf babies and they can hear for the first time versus they get something put in. So I had a vision of this girl getting like a new bumhole and it's like, go and have can hear for the first time they get something put in so I had a vision of this girl getting like a new bumhole and it's like go and have a shit

and it made me laugh I love them YouTube videos women use a saw for the first time the old new bumhole oh my watch this kid use her bumhole

for the first time I don't know why I'm pushing I can't what is she bearing a man in yeah I don't know why I'm pushing I can't What is she bearing a man in? Yeah I don't know why I'm pushing

58 year old racist Rochdale baby Oh fucking hell I'm five You alright? That's what five year olds sound like in Rochdale Fucking hell

School were a right cunt Go on Finn We've got some confessions Now if she needs to just grow up if she's scared of her own shit go on finn yeah we've got some confessions now if she needs to just grow up if she's scared of

her own shit she must have a torrid day every day because she shits every day what a stupid woman no but there's

occasionally when you when you fart and you're like no that's not the worse the better i bathe in it yeah there's not a level

where you go no no there's something wrong here no yeah but i don't hate it it doesn't smell bad to me though. Me poo does though. Like I not, like my poo is just as bad as anyone else's.

And I can, I can confirm that. It is pretty bad. Confessions? Is that Baz? I haven't had any coffee today and it's starting to affect me. As always, these confessions are anonymous. Send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com

if you've got anything to confess. I often park in the parent and child spots at the shop. The few times I've been called out on it, I've said, I'm really sorry. It's just forced a habit that I haven't broken since we lost little Jamie.

What's my penance? Wow. I respect that so much. I'm giving you no penance personally. You can all disagree with me, but do you know what? You get a pass for having the gall to say that.

For having the absolute set of bollocks on you to be like, I lost my baby you're gonna tell me i can't park here with a straight face to a stranger who cares who mentions that as well by the way because all it is is a picture of a mom and a baby doesn't say you can't park there that's like saying it's just a picture of a wheelchair doesn't say you can't park because like they get they have special no carl Every time parent and child parking comes up, it's the same thing.

Load of bollocks. Load of bollocks. But that's next level. Like, no, I don't respect that. I can't even make out what that is. Small wheels, triangle. No, no, no. I don't know what that is.

I'm parking here. I'm parking my 60 gram fucking car right next to the shop. I just don't get it. What does the baby, what does the child do? What does a child end at? What age? We're all children. Great. Great.

What a great legal argument that is. Why are you trying to go to this primary school? I do actually agree with Carl. And Peter Kay's older thing. I'm with my mum. Just because the child was driving the car child He was like I'm with my mum Yeah Like just because the child Was driving the car

Doesn't mean that I'm not Like That's a great joke Yeah But it's parent and small child Isn't it No Why

It doesn't say that Why Yeah So that they're closer To the entrance So when you've got small kids Being fucking fannies You don't have to go

All around the car park Essentially If you're an able bodied person You can park a bit further away you're not a risk so it just gets them closer when they're faffing around with prams and all that shit

I know you don't give a shit yet add new ones then but you will give a shit add new ones men with dogs men with dogs just men yeah

women have got one with kids men with dogs men with snakes yeah no it's not women with kids. The picture's a woman now, isn't it? What? It's mother and baby in it.

Isn't that what it's called? No. No. You're thinking of comedy clubs? It looks like it. You've got the skirt on. No, that's the prime, I think. What was it?

It's just parent and child. Add new ones. Men with geckos. Yeah. Lads and their best mate. Yeah. Going for a midnight snack. 32-year-olds who need a shit.

I mean, they need to be right at the front. Exactly. So any penance for this lad? I love that. No, I respect it. I don't know what it is. I don't think it's fake. Obviously disabled.

Respect that. This one, bollocks. I was never taught what that means, so. Just piss, innit? Just piss. Women who are squirting I mean if anything at the back of the car park just piss

just piss it's just piss that's the end of the section we've done it we've done it Finn you don't know how long we've done we've done an hour and 12 minutes anyway Bon Jovi's sister's joining us in a minute

so enjoy that can't wait to see Jon Bon Jovi he's on next just want to ask her for playing Jon Bon Jovi's ma that's who's on next enjoy Gabby welcome to part three

of four but we haven't recorded the first two yet so is it really part one it's a good question it's part three of four, but we haven't recorded the first two yet. So is it really part one? It's a good question. It's part three. It's part five. Gabby Bryant's here! This is our longest ever record day.

Yeah, everyone feels really ill in here right now. Everyone's looking, everyone's struggling. People are tired. It's just, you know, we wanted to get you in before you fly back to the states i'm thrilled thanks for having me um and you know we've recorded with thomas green already today but we're like you know we're gonna get gabby i'm gonna change my t-shirt so that the people don't know that we've done that hell yeah we haven't told them immediately we haven't done this for anyone else so you uh you've gone vip here this you. VIP. Very important, Gabby. Let's go.

He's ready. Clip it. How are you doing? I'm good. I love that you had two blondes in a row. That makes me feel incredible. Who's the other one? Thomas.

Yeah, he's not really blonde, though, is he? I mean, he's blonde. He's bleach blonde. Do you guys ever bleach your hair? I nearly did when I was young. I did. And that's how it ended it did not go good my friend

do you want to see a picture of Dan with his bleach blonde hair obviously when Eminem's Stan video came out I did want to do it then but then when you think about it that's a really bad idea isn't it because that video doesn't end well for the superfan he dies as does his child

and his girlfriend and I didn't want any of that to happen to me of course for the superfan. Sure. He dies, as does his child and his girlfriend. And I didn't want any of that to happen to me, really. Of course. Yeah. That was an epidemic of white men dyeing their hair blonde.

Hello. And we have a survivor here today. My name is... And there we go. Can you see the television? Yeah, I can see it. Oh, there it is. Oh, there it is.

No. Yeah, that's done. Oh, Lord. How does that make you feel now? I think I was on pills. You think? During that's done. Oh, Lord. How does that make you feel now? I think I was on pills. You think? During that photo shoot. You look older there.

Yeah. Oh, dear. No, he doesn't. You look old. He looks like a school shooter there. He doesn't look older. He looks really young. Well, he looks like a school shooter now.

Oh, God. You big chubby bastard. Chunky there. And people say I look like a pedophile. You look chubby bastard. And people say I look like a pedophile. You look like a magician there, honestly. That's worse.

For the audio listeners, it's not good. It's not good. Can I ask you a question, Gabby? Yes. With no influence whatsoever. Sure. Just look at Dan.

Okay. And also you can judge from the photos you've seen there, but just have a good look at him now. And if you were to guess what pet Dan has, any pet, just go with your flow.

Don't just go for the obvious. It's not a dog. It's not a dog. I know it's not a dog. Oh my goodness. She reads people. Okay. Just have a good guess.

You only get it in the end. Is it like a parrot? That's like worse than a guy with an acoustic guitar like you have a parrot that's like you're a cunt or whatever and then you're like isn't this hilarious and we're all like yeah that's way too funny joke that's worse than the truth but if you're like, isn't this hilarious? And we're all like, yeah. That's worse than the truth. But if you're dressed as a pirate, you've taken it to the next level, haven't you? Right.

Fancy dress. Sure. No? No. By the way, I'm never doing a guest episode without asking this question ever again. What do you have? You have to tell me.

What do you think? Just think of a reptile long... A snake. You can't make the sound of a snake it's a long reptile that goes go ahead guess carrot or snake fuck my life what a game that is

you have a snake no no but i'm being gaslit into buying one i'm thinking about getting one he's got snakes. You have multiple snakes? Just like about? That's not how this works. You have three snakes.

It would be less funny if I did. They are having the time of their life labeling me as the biggest pet owner, the biggest pet snake owner in the country. I haven't been anywhere near the slithery cunt. But I'm thinking about buying one. Would you be like a snake charmer? Would you have a little flute or whatever and have it?

Well, I would now. You looked like one. In that picture, you looked like a snake charmer. Oh, God. Oh, dear. Just being nice to snakes. Oh, I can't wait for our fans to get old enough. Oh, no.

What would you name your snake? I'd get two and it'd be Adam and Carl. Yes. That's got to happen. Why? He just thinks we're both cunts. Oh, sorry.

Carl, by the way. I was... Sorry. I love you guys. Sorry. I'm in love with you guys. A while back, I just said,

Dan looks like he owns snakes and he took it really personally and got really wound up. So I've just sort of, you know, really dug my heels in with that joke. Sure. And everyone else has, using AI to send me pictures of me with snakes.

I get that. I mean, I just had a really fun time with it. So I totally get the joke. I've got to roll with it. So I hate life. Yeah. Is this what success is? Is this success?

I feel like I'm very successful and also bullied. Yeah yeah you've just finished your debut edinburgh run were you doing an hour i wasn't doing an hour okay it wasn't my debut i was doing two shows i was doing a comedy play during the day and then just like a showcase stand-up show at night okay so never been a fringe before wanted to see what the fuck was going on what do you think it's crazy it's demented adult summer camp first of all it's like everyone's having sex with each other and that part's cool obviously um and then you're doing two shows a day you're exhausted you're drinking

you're not eating one single vegetable like i said everyone in scotland is ugly i see a clip of you on either your podcast or someone else's saying you you'd fucked an ugly person you felt quite regrettable like you you could have fucked an attractive person but you chose fuck ugly yeah because it's easier to get rid of them i'm i'm 29 which is 30 right and i'm getting tired and hot men have an attitude and i don't have the patience anymore so really at this point bless your heart they really do today where um i i'm at a point in my life where if you just come up to me and say something funny do not get any ideas if you just come up to me and say anything funny i'll have sex with you that well i actually feel unsafe in this room saying that so let me let me take that i'm surrounded recently engaged not funny there recently engaged oh thank

you you can stick to yourself congrats stick to yourself is that what you say to women who aren't interested i don't want to fuck you well you can finger yourself love because me i'm already engaged i'm engaged also why are you showing your hands if there's a ring on your finger you're like can't you see i'm engaged huge diamond i put a ring on it not this one yeah so no one's trying to fuck you. You're all right. You're okay. Calm down. You can stick to yourself. Oh no, I'm trying to fuck her.

Everyone. I'm engaged. Are you? No. Oh, I had sex with an ugly guy in Portugal and, and it's my fault. I take full responsibility,

but he came up to me and he was being funny. And then I asked him what he did for a living. And he told me, have you heard of parkour? Yeah. And I was like, what? And he's like, you know, parkour. And I'm like, yeah, that's when you like, you know, do a little flip off of something. And he goes, I own a bunch of parkour gyms in Sweden.

And I said, that's fucking tragic. That's a disaster. do a little flip off of something and he goes i own a bunch of parkour gyms in sweden and i said that's fucking tragic yeah that's a disaster yeah and but then i was like well why don't you do a flip and prove it and he did a flip and he did a flip ah i had shagging and then i had sex with him yeah i get that yeah because at that point it's about talent yeah absolutely if someone's doing what he looks like he can do a flip yeah if someone backflips You've got to fuck them I think Yeah Yeah If I could do a backflip That's the rule That's the rule If I could do a back

A standing backflip I'd be doing them all the time You'd never You'd have to be like Adam you can't speak into the mic While you're backflipping love You should never go to gymnastics Was there any more

Sexual sort of Did he You know because he does parkour Yeah In bed were you like Wow Like did he take a Like a because he does parkour. Yeah. In bed where you're like, wow. Like, did he take a, like a jump off the wall and then. Yeah, off the duvet. He was like, whoa.

Oh, sick. Bounce off the wall and dump it. Parkour. Wow. Oh, and then I was like. Parkour, what is it? Isn't this parkour? He just beat the shit out of me.

And then I was like, and then I went, well, how did you get into parkour he just beat the shit out of me um and then i was like and then i went how well how did you get into parkour and he goes well of course through the world of breakdance and i was like actually this is no longer consensual this isn't me too you said this to you jordan sex what jordan sex you asked him how he got into parkour no it was on the way to sex. On the way to sex. Yeah, and I still had sex with him. Yeah.

What's a parkour gym? Because surely... It's the road. No, yeah. Isn't it just... Isn't that the whole thing? It's a cobblestone. Before you start

running around over there with fucking pavements and fucking bollards, just train indoors. But that's like saying what are treadmills for? It's probably a padded area where you can run

and jump and not be risked of hurting yourself yeah he's definitely just prints loads of stickers off and just put them

on benches my benches it's just planking it's a lot of planking I just didn't know that was a thing you can run wherever you like

but I still go and run on a treadmill because the treadmill then controls the it's like if you're a climber going to a climbing gym because you've got mats

I understand what gyms and training facilities are I just for parkour then controls the whole place. It's like if you're a climber going to a climbing gym because you've got mats. Hey, I understand what gyms and training facilities are. I just, for parkour, which is just basically, oh, there's a wall. Wow, I ran off a wall. Why would you then be like, you've got to want to do that indoors?

So you don't hate yourself? All right. He was doing a lot of flips in a row. Not to brag. What? But he was doing flips. And what were you doing? Are you sure he wasn't just trying to

go away from you i'm kidding he's back flipping away come here oh fuck yeah that was gross um i was just watching i was hammered drunk obviously do you think it easy with ugly guys because they're like appreciative they're like thanks and if you go now fuck off, they just sort of backflip out the door. Yeah, exactly right. I don't want this to lead to anything. Okay, pack up! Ah, my heart! Pack up! Do you ever feel, as a woman, we never feel these things. Can you ever be nice to people in public?

Wait, what? Because I feel like if a woman's ever nice to a man, like, just like in general, like, oh, I've bought, like, I don't know. I don't know, a nicety. The man automatically thinks, oh, she wants me. Can you ever feel like you can ever be nice to men? No, you have to be just brutally mean to them immediately.

But then they also like that. So it's a disaster either way. Yeah. No, it's a loose loose. That is such a perfect depiction to how the male brain works if she's like oh yeah you know like you actually see that she wants to fuck me hey fucking don't even talk to me hard to get yeah because because you if you're nice you might have to then go oh

by the way i've got a partner and you're like i don't give a fuck and then you look stupid there's no win is there yeah sorry i have such a hard time understanding your accent sorry about that it's okay i'm just basically saying it's hard to be a woman, isn't it? But that is progress for Carl. Well done, mate. And I'm like, huh? Basically. Can you understand me?

I'm getting like 80-20, I'm going to be honest. What about him? I haven't listened to a word. She likes me. You're in New York. What's the catcalling situation like? Because I've seen some videos where it just looks mad

walking through the streets as a lady. Yeah. Is it just a lady? Is it a bit much? It is, but also, you know, women in New York are so psychotic as well that now we're just screaming at each other. Do you know what I mean? Yeah are so psychotic as well that we're now we're just

screaming at each other do you know what i mean yeah it started off with a lot of cat calling let me see your fucking cock then and they're like whoa um yeah it's it's screaming on either end i am i've been to new york twice this year and i love it it's one of my favorite places in the world uh but i told these guys when i got back that the crazy people in new york like the street I've been to New York twice this year and I love it. It's one of my favorite places in the world. But I told these guys when I got back that the crazy people in New York, like the street crazies, they're such a top shelf mental. Yeah. Like there was a guy just asking me if I had his money.

The whole time? He kept going, you got my money? Just again and again and again. Following you around? No, to be honest, it was on me for not moving. You just stood there really still? I was hearing him out, you know what I mean?

He convinced me I did in fact have his money. But someone had his money. Someone else had yours. Yeah. You engaged. That's the... Yeah, you can't make eye contact. I don't know. Let's find it.

I was just like, me? He's like, yeah, you got my money? I'm like... You're checking your pockets? You're like, I don't think I've got your money. Someone got my money. I'm like, no one else here. You're checking your pockets. You're like, I don't think I've got your money.

Someone got my money. I might have your money. Yeah. Well, I thought, you know, there's no one else around. If someone's got his money, like. It's got to be you. Like, it must. If I was in his position, I'd be my first guess as well.

He wouldn't lie. Yeah. Well, we're the capital of men jerking off. What? In the streets. I don't think that everyone's done their total numbers on that because this man's city would be quite... In the street?

What? She said in the streets. Oh, in the streets. Oh, not just like men jerking off in their homes, safe and sound. I love it how I'm dragging up the whole of Chester's stats. You definitely are. You wank more than anyone else in Chester.

Fact. In your age bracket. In my age bracket? There might be some little horny 13-year-old who's going bananas on it. Oh, I can't fuck with the under 18s. Exactly. 41-year-old.

There's not a 41-year-old who sorts himself out as much as you. How do you know that? Because he does it a lot. It's not possible. He's got his own bedroom. Him and his wife have separate bedrooms and he just,

he has three or four a day. Does parrot have its own room my parents in with me is that your the first word it said was like why why not again i've got a new york parrot oh my god oh my god oh my four time today you're gonna pull it off How often do you see men masturbating in the street? Every day. Every day? Every day. No. Yes. I think you're going

looking for them. In the same place at the same time. It's weird. Every train. If you walk on a train, there is a man jerking off. Really?

Yeah. What? On the subway? You guys don't know about this? Is it illegal? I've been. Of course. Four times and I've never once seen it.

No way. Or done it. Did we see it when we went, Jack? No. What? That's so sad you didn't get the full experience. I didn't go and see the Statue of Liberty either. Well, if you look closely, she's also drinking latte.

There's a tann a wanking on the chain in the Statue of Liberty? Got it. You have a tour guide? So what do you do when this happens? You just sort of avert your eyes. Avert your gaze, yeah. Yeah.

And you say, you go like that. Are they doing it at you or just like in general? Depends on their type, I think. If they like blondes, then sure, they're doing it at me, but maybe they're...

I love the idea. There's a man whacking on the train, but he's picky enough to be like, I'm a brunette man. He turns away from me. I'm not looking at that. Oh,

that's rough. It is rough. Well, you get so used to it. You really do. You have to. You just are like, that's a man's dick. And, and this is my latte and it's 9

a.m it's like a part of it and that's all that's all the thoughts that you need that's it yeah he's gay man are you homeless yeah yeah on the way to work he's not like a wall street man through his blazer you know I'm a brunette man no you suck I won't bother you spinny chair he's got his office chair that's how you know he's a businessman on the train

fortune 500 wank to wall street how many seats do people leave free before they sit next to them I mean you'd be surprised

like if it's a busy train people would be like and just they sit next to them i mean you'd be surprised like if it's a busy train people would be like and just sit down next to him oh you can't sit next to a wanking man oh that's wild not really we like they would get instantly arrested in the uk i'm like they wouldn't get away with that here yeah but you guys have like um the class like in new york where it's all it's a wash i don't know how long you've spent here if you think this is a classy country i think you've seen downton abbey and thought that's it that's everything this is it this is everyone's a lord that's not what it's like i don't think they would get instantly arrested over there i think i could wank all the way from crosby to

chester on that maze yeah that's quite a short journey. Ex-patient special. You got an £80 fine for putting your feet on a seat. I'm sure there's a fine. Like, I don't think you're going to get all the way. You're going to get at least a letter in the post that you'll then ignore. What a great way to end up with five grand. Yeah, maybe not me. I don't reckon you'd get away with wanking

for more than three stops before someone goes, I'm calling the police. Surely. Standard premium on the way back from London. Yeah, you're paying for the train. Once you get your ticket sorted, no one will walk past. That's a good point.

But the key to jerking off on the train is that you have to make eye contact with people or it doesn't count. Yeah, that's true. For you or them. It can't be a private. It's not for...

No, yeah. It's not the game. It's a public show yeah it's showtime god i want to see it no does no one ever just sort of like step in and go that's just not the new never it's like a part of the cityscape you just accept it they're not finishing are they i i don't know the end of their story i don't wait i'm not like well let's see if he finishes i would wait i think next time i go to new york if i see that i'm gonna stay with them i'm gonna give them the eye contact he so desperately desires i'm like go on you finish up

now my stop was six stops ago i'm waiting with you you're in the bronx you're like oh my god you did it for so long it starts turning you on you're like ah this is a kink that i didn't i've never been up to the bronx you don't need to is it is it still bad up there no it's some parts are nice but there's nothing exciting happening okay people are just living in the bronx yeah okay i do i've started to prefer brooklyn when it goes to York. Yeah. It's just a cooler. Williamsburg. Okay.

Yeah. Stayed in the Hoxton last time I was there. Okay. Very good around there. Yeah, that's good. That's a little hipster of you. It is a little, but you know, I like nice food and like dive bars and there's just, they're everywhere there. Yeah.

It's like little Adam's City. People are rich in Williamsburg now. Huh? That's like the rich area of. We're full gentrified. Yes. How much are you paying for rent can i ask i i feel like i've seen so many like instagram videos before you before you

answer that you're from the jersey shore do you now live in new york live in new york for 11 years okay i now live in a one-bedroom apartment in a neighborhood called red hook no trains go to red hook you have to drive it's like a secret little neighborhood where is where in new york in south brooklyn right i pay 22 000 a year a month no wait sorry 22 $2,200. Oh, Jesus. Nail me. What if I was the richest person alive?

I paid $2,200 a month. Is it a nice area? No, it's fine. That's cheap for a one bedroom. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Because I pay £2,200 a month month but i've got a three bedroom yeah in in the middle of the city this is over the water down out of the way my god what are you paying in like central manhattan surely it's like tens of thousands like what you've just said six thousand a month that's not awful for not awful. For a one bedroom. Oh, for a one bedroom. And that one bedroom is like a cupboard. It's not like, they're not spacious one bedrooms. Right. Oh, the apartments get smaller and smaller when you go into Manhattan.

You couldn't swing a cat in it? She wouldn't buy it if you were a cat swinger. No. Can you swing a parrot? You could try, buddy. You could try. Why? Oh my God. How long are you going to be over here and you said you're coming back in november what are you coming back for i'm going to do a bunch of shows i think i'm going to do a live podcast um i think i'm going to throw a show um that's

what's your pod my pod is called the podcast la podcast la podcast l apostrophe podcast it's french for podcast it's french for podcast it's not and i've been to france once we were like oh you say um and it's me and comedian zach senior and it's the gayest dumbest podcast alive why is it gay because he's gay oh he's gay yeah and i'm dumb and that's what it is the gayest dumbest podcast i like that yeah and the podcast works because france is a bit gay in it yeah why have you put the apostrophe in yeah we realized that was wrong but we were in too deep so that's just what it is now but that makes it funnier yeah nice is it audio only no we have, we have video. We have a YouTube. We have a Patreon. We have a TikTok.

$22,000 a month rent. She's doing all right. I'm on all the platforms, baby girl. Oh, nice. What have you done in the UK apart from gigging? Because I'm always fascinated by, is this your first time in the UK completely? No, I famously, I'm on my third British boyfriend. Boyfriend? Yeah. Third British completely? No, I famously am on my third British boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Yeah. Third British boyfriend? Yeah, I've had three. Okay. And one of them was from Bradford. I can see where you get the classy thing from. How the fuck did you meet him?

They can't travel outside of Bradford. I know. Did you go to Bradford? And I like that. No, I met him in the woods in upstate New Jersey. You all right. I'll be honest, love. I'm fucking lost.

I'm trying to find Halifax. But I found love. He had no front teeth. Yeah, checks out. But he has an accent. You don't understand, like, when an American girl hears a British accent, where, like, you could- But hears a British accent, we're like...

But Bradford isn't British. Bradford's Bradford. I've been there. When he come up to you, did he threaten to bang you out, bro? Because that's... Bradford in my head, innit? Fucking bang you out, bro.

Wait. Do you have no teeth, though? And it's lisp. Kelly. Hang on, so... Do that again. Kelly. That's not the only thing I could say. That's good. I know. Kelly. Kelly. Hang on. Do it again. Kelly. That's the only thing I could say.

That's good. I know. Kelly. Kelly. Why was he calling you Kelly? He didn't know my name. Every girlfriend, they've had to have a girl.

Kelly. You met this man on the boards, he had no teeth, and he didn't know your name. Yeah. And he was your boyfriend? He was my boyfriend. How long were you together?

A year and a half. Okay. And did he live in new york new jersey he lived in he lived in manhattan but he was from bradford he escaped bradford clearly yeah and then went to manhattan but got his teeth knocked out on the way yeah okay i genuinely he had gold teeth as well he had gold teeth as well no two front teeth and then he also had gold teeth right okay so he's a drug dealer? Yeah. Of course.

Bradford's a New Yorker. He was a musician. Oh, yeah. What genre? Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll star from Bradford living in Manhattan with no front teeth and gold background. And that's my type, baby.

This was a fever dream, Gabby. You did ayahuasca in the woods and invented a man the fuck are you talking about if i invented him how can i say color so good color oh you know what there you go case closed case closed okay so he was your was it your first or last last and then um the And then I dated a guy who's now in the royal family and I could say no more. He's now in the royal family?

The show or the... Andrew, how old were you? Six. He's now in the British royal family. So he's Meghan Markle's family, isn't he, married in surely?

No, I can tell you nothing. But you can't be now in it. No, but he's British. He's British. He's now in isn't he, Mary, then, surely? No, I can tell you nothing. Well, you can't be now in it. No, but he's British. He's British. He's now in it. Yeah. Yeah, you can be... We'll be able to figure it out.

You can marry him. We'll work it out later. He doesn't sound like he's from Bradford with no teeth. He was not from Bradford. Yeah, yeah. I'd fucking bang you out, bro, innit? I'm fucking Prince Charles's brother, mate. Wait, you know what I learned?

That British people call a vagina a rat. Yeah. Let me see your rat. Get your rat out. Let me see your little rat out. What happened in these woods? There's no way someone has gone to New Jersey and told you to show that you're a rat.

What? No, he's gone. Yeah, I'm in the royal family. Get your rat out. Did you date my mate Josh? that's the easiest let me see your little rat i love that i'm in the royal family that's so insane can we get a nice clean cut on that and then again at this camera wait let me see your little rat hello love let me see your little rat he sounds like a charmer he's in the royal family that was a different no he isn't in the royal family

i'm in the royal family i'm like okay this does feel like a lie do you mean it feels like you've been hoodwinked here no yeah yeah no that the okay bradford boyfriend yeah royal family boyfriend i found out about the rat thing completely separately oh right okay yeah okay so he this wasn't a member of the royal family telling you to get your ass out no that was a random person all right okay on the street hello love show me your fucking rat will you i'm like are you in the royal family you're so classy. Oh my God. And who was the first one?

The Bradford boy? Oh, he is an Indian British man who does Bitcoin. And we won't do that voice. I kind of have been doing it for a while. I thought you were doing Dynamo. That's absolutely... So I think I've really dated the spectrum of British men. You haven't gone true Scouser.

What's that? You know what a Scouser is? Us. Oh, okay. Although the rat thing, that might have been a Scouser on the street. Okay. It's quite a Scouse thing.

We wouldn't say rat, though. I think rat's like... Not to a randomer. What would quite a Scouse thing. We wouldn't say rat though. I think rat fight. Not to a randomer. What would you say? Moggy? Moggy? Moggy. Moggy.

Get your moggy out. Please, please. Moggy McCann. Please teach. Wait, give me some good phrases. Yeah, please teach Gabby some good Scouse so she can take him

back to New York. Moggy McCunt? Whoa. That's what you said? That's when you're asking a man to lick you out. Yeah. Moggy McCunt. No. Whoa. Is that what you said? That's when you're asking a man to lick you out. Yeah. Moggy McCunt.

It sounds like a- Jesus Christ. Yeah. That sounds like a drink at Dunkin' Donuts. I'm tired. I've had a long day. I just want an orgasm.

Moggy McCunt. Moggy McCunt sounds like a rough pub, doesn't it? Yeah. Right. Moggy McCunt. Wait, John,

you're having a few booners down in Moggy McCunt. Is that where you were drinking those pints last night? Jazzy as well. We'll teach you jazzy. Jazzy? Jazzy's hot. Oh, like you're jazzy.

No, no, no. The weather. So it's fucking jazzy today. Okay. It's jazzy today. Feeling a bit jazzy. It's jazzy today. That's ridiculous.

Yeah. We are ridiculous. Yeah. It's a ridiculous place. But you say you haven't had this. We need to get you a nice scouse. A Liverpool boyfriend that you can do long distance with. yeah are we all ridiculous yeah it's a ridiculous place but you say you haven't had this this is we need to get you a nice scouse

a Liverpool boyfriend that you can do long distance with you'd like it it's good why would I like it because the scouses are just

a very friendly kind people but they just don't know how to convey it yeah there you go there had to be a

but at the end of that they're very loving open people but you can't tell at all the entire time? No, you can tell a lot. I'm also scouting about how he talks about and to his nan. Okay. No, I mean, give me a little impression.

Like, oh, me little nan. That's just how much he loves her. Me little nan. That's me little nan. Who's the fella from X Factor with the orange face? Chris. Louis Walsh. Chris.

Chris. Chris Maloney. He's the archetype. He released an album called Songs for Me Nan. Yeah. Just Google Chris Maloney Songs for Me Nan. There you go. That's a straight man.

No, that's not a straight man. No, those eyebrows would suggest. He's a homosexual man. I was going to say. I love his man. He released an album called Songs For Me Nan. Is he actually gay, by the way? And there he is on the train in New York.

Oh, there's his number. You ever seen Heart Attack? Huh? The show. He looks like the head of Heart Attack. Get the head of Heart Attack up. Look at his face. There he is.

He really doesn't look exactly like that. You've nailed that. Yeah. So he loves his nan. Okay, how do you say like, like what's a phrase for like fuck off? Fuck off. Yeah, but you have to have like.

Bail it, whiz kid. Say that again? Bail it, whiz kid. Bail it, whiz kid? Yeah. Bail it means leave. Bail it person give gabby some good turns of phrase gas wise bail it was good um bail it was kid oh nice too jazzy for you around the area what else have we got uh ask us for some yeah especially if you ask us what you want to learn to say like how do you say eat ass eat ass yeah scran your purple star there you go there you go what that famous scouts phrase i'll so scran is to eat or food scran yeah purple star purple star is your anus why is it purple your assholes purple mine not not mine personally the ones i've seen

guys what's going on with your assholes here is it all the gregs why is your asshole purple okay so if you say i go let me scan your purple star there girl what's the end of it girl like it's just a term for the lady a girl girl you're like girl yeah girls very common in liverpool not like the species but like the word the species go on keep going we have girls here if you could believe that go on any other phrases wait i want to get that one. Let me scran your purple star there, girl. Let me scran your purple star there, girl. Purple star there, girl. Yes.

That's fucking horrific. Yeah. You asked a horrific question. What did I expect? Exactly. Okay. How do you say, like, is there a phrase for a blowjob? Yeah, gizzo chew.

What? Gizzo chew. Gizzo chew? That sounds for a blow job yeah it gives a chew what gives a chew gives a chew that sounds like a hard candy like give me a chew like a blow job is called a chew so if you would ask him someone for a blow job he'd be like oh i don't long day at work there listen ask it on your fucking purple style in a bit yeah but for first just gives a chew they don't actually chew yeah i was gonna say is it are they teethy blowjobs what's happening here it's just yeah but you also don't blow on a cock do you so it's not really a blow job but it is a job yeah go on

keep going this is fun okay um okay like how do you say like i got hammered last night i was bingoed me last night i was bingoed yeah bingo yeah it's after an old were you drunk last night were you drunk last night yeah i was bingoed me there's an old english footballer called um was it ryan yeah and he was just a bad alcoholic. It sounds like you're doing Mad Libs. Do you guys have Mad Libs here? Yeah, it's constant. Yeah. This is my life.

This is why I'm thinking about buying a snake. It's a trauma response. Ryan Bingo? Do you know who Raul Motis is? No. Who is that? He's a local fisherman. He was a local fisherman.

He was a, he was a, not a serial killer. He was a rampage killer. What's a rampage killer? He killed one person. And then went and sat. He killed someone and then tried to kill someone else.

And then Ryan Bingo, this famous footballer, tried to talk him down. It was very odd. But so he'd say, so it was on the news. Ryan Bingo has turned up at the lake with some Kansas Stellan

and fishing equipment saying he's a friend of Raalmote and then he just fished with him until the police were closing and arrest him what england's weird you know you've got we've got ralmote and ryan bingo meet there's only one bingo one right some more what? Okay. This isn't English, by the way. This is Scouse. This is only in Liverpool. How do you say, like, that girl's ugly?

Fucking hell, mate. Yeah, you've got to be subtle about that. You've just got to nudge your mate and go, Christ, fucking hell. What about, like,

the state of it? Isn't that a British thing? Yeah, state of it. But is that a British thing? Yeah, state of it. Kip of that. But is that good or bad? Kip of that. It's how you say it. Yeah.

Intonation's important. But you're like, oh, the state of it. That's ugly. The kip of that. And then you're like, the state of it. The kip of that. Kip of that. Kip of that.

Kip. Kip. K-I-P. Kip. Kip of that. Kip of that. Nice. Kip of that.

That's ugly. She's ugly. I'm not standing there. Purple star. Look at the kip of that kip of that nice she's ugly purple star i wouldn't touch her with ryan bingo's that famous saying heard that as well wouldn't touch her with ryan bingo's fish i'm not wouldn't even let her gizzard shoot i'm just gonna have an air chocolate starfish change that not chocolate starfish that's a that's like an elite level one that's high that's class one more one more thing one more sentence or phrase what do you need how do you say um everyday phrases yeah yeah like i fucked your mom every day and she's a whore i fucked your mom and she's a whore?

Yeah, I fucked your whore mom. I bummed your ma's head clean off because she asked me to. Wait, say it again? I bummed your ma's head clean off. Or I blow your ma's head off with a shotty. With a shotty? Yeah, a shotty's your cock. Yeah, well, sure.

Beautiful stuff, guys. You're really poets up here i'm i'm blown away friendly loving city i blow your mum's head off with a shotty just a nice just a warm open sweet population we are lovely people made me sad thinking about ryan we're very similar to the irish Okay. And Irish are very, you know, New York's very Irish as well. So we are quite linked. Liverpool is very,

Liverpool is like a mixture. It's obviously a lot smaller of New York and Boston. Like the people. Right, right, right. The attitude is very, like, you know, like New York sort of knows it's the best city in the world.

Yeah. And Boston thinks it is. Right. Well, Liverpool is like both of them. Like we know it and we think it, but everyone else disagrees with us. So just a lot of like thick necks and racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But without the racism. No racism. We famously chased racists out of the city. Yeah. There's no... And we used to be really like anti-Muslim, but then Mo Salah signed and he's broke every record.

And it's hard to hate Al-Assad when you're fucking your right wingers scoring so many goals we're inclusive but we're not nice to everyone

who we include sure do you know what I mean yeah come here lad that's very Boston though isn't it and very New York

it's like we're friends this fat cunt's my friend like that that's how we are here the insult becomes the compliment right we're right this is me mate John he my friend. Like that, that's how we are here. The insult becomes the compliment. Right, right, right.

This is me mate John. He's a fat knobhead. And John's like, I am. So how would you all describe each other? Oh no, you don't do it to your friends. You do?

Oh, I've been called a fat knobhead. Is Adam the fat knobhead? You're telling him he has snakes. No, we're all lovely in here okay okay don't worry

should we have a break yeah let's have a break I can't wait for you to go out into the city and see these things in the wild and say all the things

I learned say them all here we go final part of today's episode and the episode that this is going to become. Oh, wow. Six of four.

Beautiful. They don't... No one cares. They're just listening to the episode. It's the end. This is the last section of the episode. Oh, Dan's called... Oh, nailed me there, kid.

Mark says, have you seen the new laws in California that means you can't be prosecuted... California. That means you can't be prosecuted for California. That means you can't be prosecuted for stealing stuff worth less than $950. Looks like a nightmare for business owners who I reckon are going to start tooling up

to defend their shops. If these laws were in place over here, where are you heading for a good old £950 prosecution-free shoplift? Remember, you still have to sneak it out the shop past the staff. That's from Mark. So what is the consequence? Because you can't just steal and get away with it there's

going to be something the police won't come if it's less than 950 dollars it's it's just a rat all right they won't come um because it's just a misdemeanor it's not they're not going to prosecute it that's mad so it's the apple shop that'sanor. They're not going to prosecute it. That's mad. The Apple shop? That's what I was going to say. A little iPad or something. Loads of iPads, yeah. Do you reckon like Apple are going to,

you know like every product in the Apple store is like £949. Do you reckon they're going to make it £951? I feel like that's going to happen. That's madness. You should just make all products for everything 950 dollars what's the point of that like is there too many prosecutions happening i don't know they just tried to get really lenient with it apparently we were talking about this the other night well

here's the thing california is burning to the ground i don't know if you've noticed so i think that it's just all chaos steal what you want take what you want abandon ship take all the ipads in the apple store it's the last days of california yeah what's so why is that happening what's happening well there's fires there's hurricanes there's earthquakes like california i think because the taxes are dead high. Right. Yeah. That's why Joey Rogan and Tommy Segura and all that

all went to Austin, because the taxes are better and they can gig more and there's no fires. So it's just like, it's going to be like desolate. It's going to be desolate. The only thing that's going to survive is like fake tits and lips and stuff like that just floating in the ocean.

So you might as well just steal as many iPads as you can oh wow i didn't know that let's go to california sounds boss doesn't sound like a great place to own a business no that sounds like a hard fucking one open a business there we'll just go for the big fire looting party yeah tits and lips there's tits lips and free ip. Why are we still here? It sounds awesome. Shall we do some pet peeves? Yes. We've got a new jingle. You can't talk over this. It's you talking.

That doesn't have to do my head in. Do you have any pet peeves? Little things that just bother you? Oh, it's a new jingle. You've got to let it breathe, man. You want a new jingle? Do you have any pet peeves, little things that just bother you? Oh, it's a new jingle. You've got to let it breathe, man. You want a new jingle? Do you have any pet peeves, little things that just bother you? When men put on chapstick. That's hard for me.

That's an ick. That's an ick. That's an ick. No, this is an icks. This is not icks. It's like... It's not like... It's like, you know, like...

So one of mine was when I get in a lift and I'm going to like the 12th floor and someone gets in and presses the first floor and I'm like, just fucking walk. Why are you delaying me getting to my floor for one floor? Like little tiny things that ruin your day. Like not catching the traffic light. You get, you're the one that gets stuck on red.

Okay. Little things. We've got some examples here. So we'll go through these first. I still stand by men putting on chapstick. I don't know if you've ever seen that, but it's not even just a nick for you. That actually ruins your day.

Imagine getting in that elevator that we talked about and that man presses one and then he puts on chapstick looking you dead in the eye. Yeah, look at me dead in the eye. But that's what's bothering me rather than, like if he didn't look me dead in the eye, the chapstick, I could eye that but that's that's what's bothering me rather than like if he didn't look me dead in the eye the chapstick i could get over but if he's looking at me going hey look at me i'm going to the first floor you cunts that would bother me yeah i love how you're less bothered about people wanking and making eye contact than putting on

chapstick you fucking weirdo should men just have chap lips then yeah but they could jerk off all they want deal what about what about if they use chapstick privately and as part of their morning prep are you okay with that that's fine i do i do give myself a little i want to chap at me because i feel like it's one of them when you use it you start to need it yeah it's like yeah yeah it's not though is it it not? No. It's bollocks. But no man confident. That's actually I'm not moisturising because I'll get too moist. Bollocks. Sorry. What?

No man confidently puts on chapstick. That's the issue. Yeah, because you go do this. They're like, it's the embarrassment of it all. Yeah. How do you put chapstick on? Are you confident?

So you're like, fucking look at me with my chapstick. Yeah. Yeah. I just go for it. Fair enough. Robin Mack says, pet peeve when you cut your nails too short.

Yeah. You can't open a can. I'm not allowed to bite my nails anymore and it's getting a bit out of hand. And then you can see they need a bit of a... They need a clip. And it gets all like sensitive. When you misjudge that

and you go too close to the line. Yeah. Fuck me, that is a sore thing. Yeah. Yeah. These are very sweet and cute. See, we've got levels, Gabby. Oh, I don't.

I'm a female comedian. I only talk about cum. George Warner says, pet peeve, stopping too far away from the toll booth machine and having to take your seatbelt off to get out of the car and leave

yeah I have this every time I go into me building because I've got a private park I'm below my flat not to brag brag

and I have to like buzz myself in with me fob into the car park and if you're at slightly the wrong angle in my car I have to get out of the car

you can't even just open the door and do it that's the Leonautas Range Rover oh god it's a horrible life you know people think you know

it's easy for people like me but at the end of the day picking at your two short nails right now they're too long at the minute actually

shall we do some underrated overrated we've got a New York a New York specific one okay help us learn is some underrated, overrated? We've got a New York specific one. Okay. Help us learn. Is this underrated, overrated, or properly rated? Underrated, overrated, pizza by the slice.

What are you saying, Gabby? Underrated. Perfectly rated. What was that? The middle one? Well, it's not a thing over here. Really? Not really. There's one place inpool where you get pizza by the slice and it's called american pizza

slice no and it's the best pizza we do everywhere else you have to get the pie you have to get the whole damn pie oh my god but it's just a smaller pizza we do pizza by the pizza which when you think about it isn't insane i want pizza why the whole thing yeah yeah cool like yeah you can't buy one slice not in many places in the one american pizza slice place in in so you don't have dollar slices no wow one dollar slice have you never had a one dollar i got it just so the first dollar I ever owned the first dollar I ever owned was put in my

bucket at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2016 in 2019 I went to New York for the first time and I took

that dollar did you take out the shiny dollar no way you kept a dollar for three years I did I didn't believe that

what were they going to do with it? That's cute. Loser. I took that dollar because I always said to myself, that's going to be what I buy my first dollar pizza slice with. That's cool. Did you change other money as well?

What? When you went to New York, did you have other dollars? Yeah, but I used that one. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. That's beautiful. It is, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. That's sweet. How big's a typical pizza in America, if you wanted to buy a whole one well we have small medium large 18 inch yeah yeah like they're big slices but you get them everywhere you guys do have these miniature little personal pizzas oh yeah yeah that we don't really do that no but like there's good pizza places in new york that you can't get slices like john's yeah you can't get slices. Like John's on Baker. You can't get a slice. Yeah, but you don't want just one.

No. You want a par. You want a goddamn par. Is it really called John's? Yeah. Yeah. I got the best. You know that pizza place,

John's. I had the best pizza in Naples the other day. Voted. And it was great. Even though it's Neapolitan pizza. Isn't it? Shite.

It was good though. Italians don't know how to make pizza. This is so good. Whoa. Shots fired. Italians don't know how to make pizza this is so good whoa shots fired beautiful New Yorkers know

how to make pizza true and bagels people in Italy are just like oh we've got this gooey bread we've put a bit of

green shite on it and that's a pizza that fucking bollocks I had to wait two hours shove it up your ass Fabio

couldn't give a fuck mate two hours to get in and then 40 minutes to get served and then like half an hour to come and it was worth it and it's still worth it.

Underrated, overrated. Bagels. I mean, where? In New York. In New York. Flawlessly rated. We have the best bagels in the world. Everyone knows it.

Fact. But bagels in New Jersey and Long Island, even better. So then New York's not the best bagels in the world. Well, it's all the same. It's not the best bagels in the world. Well, it's all the same. It's all the same thing, though. No sentences back to back, to be honest with you.

You're right, you're right. You're right, you're right. Everyone in New Jersey is basically just New York moved out. Is that right? It's kind of the suburbs, almost. There's a lot of Brooklyners in New Jersey, but you have to find where the Jews are, okay? Why? For the bagels.

Yes. Bagels and salmon is... That's our thing. Yeah, that's the Jewish treat. Salmon bagel is the classic. A lox. A smear. Oh, this is crazy.

So we call what we put on a bagel a smear, and you guys don't call that. No, we don't. If you go for a smear... I've been ordering a lot of smears and getting something a little different than what I want. Yeah, that don't. I've been ordering a lot of smears and getting something a little different than what I want. Yeah. Yeah. That's a rat check. Show me a little rat. That's a gynecologist here. It's not a doctor, by the way. I know you've had, I know you've had, no, I dated

a doctor, an English doctor. No, you didn't. He told me, let me see your little rat so I can give it a smear. And you're expecting a bagel. He was in the royal family. The Empire State Building. Underrated, overrated. It's just a big building, isn't it? Overrated. It's way overrated. It's a cliche.

No one goes. Surely you only go to Rockefeller so you can see the Empire State Building in the skyline? I've done it. I've done it once. I've done it at midnight. There was no queue. The Empire State. But you can't see the Empire State Building? No, you can see the Empire State Building in the skyline? I've done it. I've done it once. I've done it at midnight. There was no queue. The Empire State. But you can't see the Empire State Building?

No. You can. You're not in on it. Locked down. I was doing crowd work at a show once, and the girl in the front row ran the TikTok for the Empire State Building. And they have a million followers.

That's weird. Isn't that ridiculous? Mad content. Still here. There it is.? Mad content. Still here. There it is. There it is. Still standing. So tall.

Look at the point. The Empire State Building is the Matt Reif of buildings. Fucking everywhere, mate. Everyone knows about it. Great bone records. Great bone structure. Underrated, overrated.

Gabagool, which I genuinely don't know what it is. Gabagool. Oh. Isn't that like a naughty thing for an Italian person? No, I think it's food, isn't it? You're thinking of a purple star or whatever. Gabagool.

Oh, my gabagool! What's a gabagool? A gabagool. Gabagool is like a... like Italian mush. I don't even know what's in it. I knew it was a naughty Italian. What the hell is a gabagool?

No, it's a dish. Oh, I knew it was a naughty Italian No it's a dish Oh I thought it was like hey you big gabagoo Oh it's It just reminds me of the Sopranos Yeah And finally New Jersey Oh no sorry watching a show on Broadway As long as it's a good show

It's fantastic But if it's a bad show and you're trapped That's tragic. You can leave though, can't you? No. Why? Well, you just don't. I would leave if it was bad enough.

You would? Yeah. If you were sitting front row, someone's in the middle of a full song, would you get up and leave? I'd probably wait for that song to finish, but I wouldn't wait for the play to finish. Okay. Also, most of them have intervals, so I'd definitely just leave in the interval if I'd got that far and hated it. That's true.

But did you know there was one play on Broadway, there was a plug on stage and someone tried to get up and go plug their phone in? Oh my God. In the set?

Like a plug socket? Yeah. That's fantastic. Have you ever walked out of a movie? Because I've only done it once. Yeah, but Jack Nicholson can't see you leaving.

Yeah, they're not there. They're in the tele telecom it's just a similar question basically the same lines that's the only i think the only film i've walked out of was a jack nicholson film anger management it was absolute dog shit i just got so annoyed with it i thought it was poor i walked out of as a bird of pride the harley quinn film yeah with margotgot Robbie no did you guys see Barbie yeah it's so good I haven't seen it I love you you haven't seen it

I am going to see it did you see Oppenheimer yeah and I had tickets to see Barbie the same day but I felt sick so I didn't stay out I'm so curious

what all of you think what about you Snake I don't want this to be my nickname that's a good nickname hey Snake Snake no I've not been to see him I'm looking forward to it my wife and my a good nickname hey snake what's up snake no I've not been

to see him I'm looking forward to it my wife and my daughter have been to see Barbie both loved it you guys have to see it it's incredible I loved it so far

it's what's it can we just pull up what it's done box office it's done a bill has it done a bill yeah

because it like films are not doing these kind of numbers anymore without being like the Avengers or something. No, but I've never seen a marketing machine like for Barbie and Oppenheimer. $1.3 billion.

$1.3 billion. And it's been out a month. Barbie and Oppenheimer became like this co-promotion, but now Barbie's sort of gone off on its own now, hasn't it? It's like dwarfed it. Yeah. Yeah, it's dwarfed it. Oppenheimer did well off Barbie.

Barbie didn't need Oppenheimer. Exactly right. That is correct. Did you guys play with Barbies growing up? Yeah. Action Man. Yeah.

Action Man. Action Man. Action Man? Do you know where you have Barbies and then a Ken just have a fella around? We didn't have Action Man with a Barbie.

Or did you? No. Did you and Action Man have a bed? No, but I think that's because romance is marketed to little gals, whereas we just wanted to shoot things because we were little boys. Like, our men didn't have girlfriends, whereas your girls had. But you never made two, like, G.I. Joe's kiss?

No. No, we made them fly at each other. They had no pants on, no. Fly at each other. Oh, mate, when you were doing an all-out Royal Rumble, though, I'd get some of my sisters, like, My Little Ponies and twat them with a transformer that was whoa oh 100 when you were like when you're setting up a battle scene i would include any shit that my sister had left around having a thundercat fucking not fuck out of a little pony was great

it was i just used everything i had all the action men, cars, bungees, everything. There were no romantic storylines in your... There's no romance in the world of Action Man. This is a story I've told several times in this podcast, maybe twice before, but just because you brought us up Barbies. I once went for a one-night stand with a girl who was in university here, and when I got to her university room,

she had, I i would guess a thousand barbie dolls no in her room no and um while i was fucking and she put a barbie up her ass no hair first hair first can't go fetal can you she was weird breach that's so weird barbie that's proper weird how How did she... Did you see her grabbing for the Barbie and you were like, oh, where's that going to go and my ass or hers?

Yeah, but men are such pigs, they're like, oh, let's play it out. To quote the great Billy Connolly, there isn't a herd of wild horses that could make me arse go in that direction. The famous Irish Billy Connolly. What Barbie was it?

No! We're the old Billy Connolly. What Barbie was it? No idea. No! With the old Billy Connolly. What Barbie? Dr. Barbie? I wasn't paying that much attention, to be honest, Carl. Convention. What did you do?

What did you say? I finished. Rock and roll. There and there. Wow. Just on my first season. I just didn't follow up on it. I just went away

and told everyone else I've ever met. And then did it go around your school? School? Didn't you just say you met her at school? No, she was in university here. I was just one of the local vagabonds. Oh, you were a townie. Yeah.

Wait, university here is 18 onwards. It's not school. Oh, we call everything school. So like all schooling, including college is school. So school for us stops at 16. Then it's sixth form. And then it's university.

Okay. Yeah. So if you go to college over, it's 16 to 18. The American colleges is universities. Right, right, right. Don't colleges make up universities in the States? Is that right?

A college and a university is the same thing. Yeah. Universities made up, like Oxford's made up of colleges, isn't it? Did you guys have Bradstalls? A college and a university is the same thing. Yeah. University's made up like Oxford's made up of colleges, isn't it? Did you guys have Bradstalls? That's not what they do.

We didn't have personally, but I've heard the rumors. What rumors have you heard? There's Bradstalls. What else? I've seen a girl who looked like a Bradstall.

She just had a fucking massive head and a tiny body and she just looked a bit fucking in a hot way or a special way? No, in like a special way no in like a special way okay do you know in the barbie film yeah the girls who don't like barbie yeah on the

table they're named after bratz dolls i know fuck me that's inside how do you know that that's not for boys it is all name but they changed the name they got they changed the names they didn't match the brats so they couldn't like go it's definitely that yeah it is you've been reading like blogs about barbie haven't you big into it like this is why he's engaged that's why exactly uh how are you at giving advice i find most comedians love trying to sort other people's lives i would love to i would say it's going to be bad but let's rock uh let's give some advice. Right, James says, need some advice, Lids. Me and my girlfriend of four years had booked a holiday to Lanzarote for two weeks,

was a pricey one, and I've paid with the proviso that she'd pay back her half. We're now two weeks away from the flights and she's ended it with me. After our back and forth, I mentioned the holiday and she said that she wasn't going to pay for her half or any cancellation fees as she has no intention of going on holiday with me now.

We've ended. What do I do? I'm skint and I don't fancy going on a sad, broken hearted, all inclusive holiday by myself. Grow up. Love the pod.

James. Go on the holiday, take one of the boys, just wipe your fucking tears. There's nothing you can do. She doesn't actually owe you there because she isn't going on the holiday and it's in your name. You've got to swallow it. There's nothing you can do. She doesn't actually owe you there because she isn't going on the holiday and it's in your name.

You've got to swallow it. This is what you get for not making a bitch sign a contract. Oh, shit. And by, I mean, bitch lovingly. And as a Jew, you take her to court. That's what I think. You say you have to pay this back.

I don't think he is a Jew though. Oh. Well, that's my advice from a Jew. Okay. Fun relationship advice. You're doing prenups for holidays. Always have a contract. That's what I say.

Take her mom. Take her mom. Or take one of her mates. That's evil. Or one of her mates, like her best mate. Do you want a free holiday? Yeah.

Come on. We don't have to kiss. Just hold on. Or sell the whole holiday on like craigslist to other people oh that's not as fun just take any mental lady that you meet and just see if something insane happens it'll be mad but if you meet a girl like even on if you're on like tinder or something yes and you both just get your tinder bio i'm going on holiday on this day he doesn't want to come who wants to come with me i want to just change the name like 100 quid

yeah she has to cover the 100 quid she gets a holiday for 100 quid you've got to pay for this shit anyway yeah you might as well and it'll probably be mental i tell you what if you can convince another girl to go with you and you can prove that you've done this i'll cover the name change nice we'll cover it we'll cover it have a word podcast we'll cover it we'll cover the name change if you can get something to go with yeah i think if you get on bumble so the women know you're safe and you're a feminist you get on bumble and offer them a free vacation i would go if he if this guy can backflip gabby is going to lose her life that's such a good point I'll go on this vacation

just send me a DM I'm there there you go I'm not paying for that name change but that was too easy no you promised you have to pay for it

if you can do this we'll pay for it I've had a mate in the past I can't remember who it was I'm sure just had a holiday and it was last minute and just basically they'd known each other

two weeks and he was like should we just go and do this holiday why not that's fine that's never gonna happen again in your life eventually you'll probably settle down

and it'll all be very sort of safe why not fuck around just see what happens go for it or yeah just take a meet because you know

you still have a screen won't you with your mate yeah at the end of the day take your mate take a mate because you don't still have a scream won't you with your mate yeah at the end of the day take your mate and all these to Lanzarote have a bit of sun

couple of beff I'm not covering that though that is the that is the that is the sensible option isn't it where's the vacation did they say

Lanzarote it's about four hours away it's always warm bit windy kind of a nice place to go on holiday Brits abroad but not too bad

I'll go beaches this has worked out really well James isn't it rock beaches though nice place to go on holiday. Brits are broad, but not too bad. I'll go. Beaches. This has worked out really well, James. Isn't it rock beaches, though? It's not sandy beaches, is it? I don't think London's rock is too bad. I think it's just a bit of volcanic sand.

It's not too bad. That's nice. I'll go. I called it. There you go beautiful one more bit of advice this is from Anonymous don't know if this is

a confession or advice but we have recently been made aware of an OnlyFans account of a bloke in our local pub where he showcases his micro penis

he seems to be making a success of it because he doesn't he doesn't work anymore but always has wedge on him and he's always buying everyone drinks the sly it because he doesn't work anymore, but always has wedge on him and he's always buying everyone drinks. The sly thing is he doesn't know that we know and people are laughing at him behind his back

and I feel kind of guilty. So I write to ask, what should I do? Is it better that he doesn't know what we know or what? Thanks, lads. Keep up the good work. He's putting his fucking little todger on the internet. He's not asked what any is doing behind his back. Tell him to his face. He's getting paid.

Can I just ask, is this a thing? Is there only funds for micropenises? Can we define micropenises? Why are you asking me? We're going to define micropenises. Dan's got a micropenis. Is that a thing? Less than 3.6 inches when gently stretched.

When gently stretched. They didn't have to add that part do you think you've got a micro penis based on that definition is that why you have to buy a snake no i'm annoyingly yeah it's an extension i'm annoyingly about 0.3 above the fucking dan i've seen your willy it's not small it's not big it's not small it's it's all right well then thanks why is everything measured in stretched penises? 2.5 standard deviation is shorter than the average stretched penis.

Yeah, surely the measurement is when you're hard, isn't it? Stretched probably means hard. You can't stretch it hard. Yeah, I'm going to say stretched is hard. You can't stretch it hard, Dave. He's like, what? I've tried so many times. By the way, just this fella's making his bag he doesn't give a

fuck what you're saying in the pub so tell him have you have you subscribed support him have you encountered have you encountered a micro penis in the wild one time really yeah one time how small how micro small to the point where i was like i'm tired oh you didn't even no he didn't fuck it no why well you can't make a No? Oh, you didn't fuck her? No. Why? You can't make a man get his willy out and then go to sleep. You can't. You can't do that. How stupid was he?

By the way, get your kicks off. Wow, I'm suddenly so tired. It was shocking. So bad you just didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know what to do. it I didn't know what to do I panicked I went to sleep and he's just sat there

with his willy out yeah do you still have his t-shirt on I'm just trying to get a picture no he didn't poo bear it that's the least sexy a man can ever be by the way

t-shirt no pants if you've got a micro penis don't ever go t-shirt and nothing else that is not a good look is it for anyone no

it's the worst look it's awful oh god men with no pants and you have to lift the shirt and nothing else. That is not a good look, is it? For anyone. It's the worst look. It's awful. Oh God, men with no pants. And you have to lift the shirt. Having said that though, guy with a micro penis probably good at other things.

Like what? I don't know. You've got to learn some skills. That's true. You've got to learn some. How do you say eating pussy again? Let me just get on you purple star there, girl.

Moggy me cunt. Or moggy. Moggy me cunt. Wait, I thought purple star was asshole. Yeah. He was probably good at mogging me cunt or moggy moggy me cunt wait I thought purple star was asshole yeah he was probably good at mogging me cunt

moggy me cunt is an invitation so moggy is the act so he's good at moggy moggy me cunt is yeah or a valet he's good at a valet

a valet yeah you're getting valeted that's hilarious you're not getting your car cleaned not parked yeah

like getting it cleaned you give someone the full valet? Yeah, you're getting valeted. That's hilarious. You're not getting your car cleaned, not parked. Yeah. Like getting it cleaned. You give someone the full valet package. Imagine the girl that actually has used the phrase, moggy me cunt. Whoa. Tragic. I give her the premium valet package means you want to moggy me cunt.

Just saying as old as time around the other. That's so specific. That's such a riddle. Yeah. I want the premier valet package to moggy me cunt. Just say eat pussy. It's like quick to the point. I can go to a girl in town and go,

let me eat your pussy. But you can say. In your accent it sounds good. We sound aggressive. Is it weird that Perry just turned up at that point? What are you, Jack, what are you training him to respond to?

If a girl says moggy me cunt, go to her. Go to her. You'll get a treat. Go to her right away. Pez? Petty? You all right, lads?

Do you want to say that's the end of the podcast? Speak. Speak. Petty? He looks so fucked off with podcasting. Speak.

He's dumb. Gabby, where can we find you on socials and all that malarkey? You can find me Instagram, TikTok, at Gabby, where can we find you on socials and all that malarkey? You can find me Instagram, TikTok, at GabbyIsBrian, G-A-B-B-Y-I-S-B-R-Y-A-N. And I have a podcast called Le Podcast.

Check that out. Le Podcast. Le Podcast. And I perform all the time in New York and I'm coming back to London in November. So follow me and come to a show. Oh, nice. You were great. Thank you so much for coming in. I'm really glad this worked out. I'm going to to London in November so follow me and come to a show oh nice you were great thank you so much coming in I'm really glad this worked

out I'm going to hit some balls with six I'm on tour right now so we'll see come buy some tickets adamro.co.uk going all over the world the fucking world if you're a American you've tuned in for Gabby I am coming next year so keep an eye on my socials adamro comedy

dannightingale.com. I'm going mainly all over the North. There's a few variations. There's no song again because Finn is still sick. Finn's fucked it. He's fucked it. Pleasure to meet you, Gabby.

Thanks for having me. This was psychotic. I learned a lot. See you, lads. Bye, Felicia. Bare flisjum.